Welcome to your Thursday therapy session and a place to dump all of your petty grievances
with myself, Jennifer, and the star of our show, our shining bright little diamond, Pumps.
I almost think you might be just a little bit twerked about that.
I think it’s so fun to say, and the star of our show, our bright, shiny little diamond.
But you are the star of our show and my very best friend and one of my favorite people
on the planet.
Oh, that’s nice.
Now, you know that’s true.
That is true.
I know that.
It’s very, very, very, very true.
So, listener, this is one of our favorite things to do is to get these voice memos from
you because there’s a lot of material out there and we only have those Tuesday episodes
to dive into with a guest, but there is a lot of stuff that needs to be addressed in
these therapy sessions that we have.
So, without further ado, let’s have Kylie start us off with our first contestant.
The first one just goes by Aunt Baby.
This is a good one.
I have two, but I’ll make them quick and, you know, do what you will.
The first one is when you pay for your goddamn fucking plane ticket.
You pay for the seat by the window.
You pay for the extra leg room.
You pay just to have that little tiny, itty, bitty, shitty bit of luxury that is left when
flying through our friendly skies.
And some chode or some dickhead comes up to you and says, excuse me, can we switch seats?
This is my little Braxton, Jackson, McKaylee, Kinsey, fucker, child wants to sit and watch
No, Sharon or Karen, you cannot.
Your child, your precious little snowflake has to sit her ass down in the seat that you
bought for her because you weren’t savvy enough to book your fucking ticket earlier, like
My name is Julia.
Aunt Baby Julia, that is some high quality.
Five gold star.
That is excellent.
And I’m going to tell you a story that’s very similar.
The kids and Josh and I were flying to Europe and we have, Roman and I have seats next to
And at the time, Roman was probably nine years old.
And so, we have these two middle seats.
And then there is a couple that they’re probably in their late forties, early fifties.
And they ask Roman if he can move somewhere so that they can sit by each other.
And I literally look at them, I’m like, well, you know, it’s like a 10 hour flight and he’s
So, I think I’m going to sit with him.
And like, Josh was sitting with Dylan.
Well, then they start, they keep asking the people.
Because they wanted to sit by each other.
They finally get together.
Oh my God.
I hate them.
They’re total dicks.
And they end up, they are the hand holders, the entire flights.
Which means they immediately broke up the minute they landed.
I mean, it was over the top.
So, they’re like PDAing all the way to Europe.
PDAing the whole way.
Every time I’d get up and go to the restroom, I would look at them and they are like, literally
twister the game.
Where they’re just all twisted up together.
And I’m just thinking, why do you have to cuddle like this on an airplane?
Well, if they loved each other so much, why didn’t they buy seats together?
Like Julia says, buy your tickets, assign your seats.
Now, I don’t like all of the fuckery that goes on after you have gone onto the World
Wide Web and selected your very own seat.
You almost like visually can picture it.
Okay, I’m going to be by the window on the left side of the plane.
I’m going to lean my head over.
And then somebody comes.
There’s always some skunk at the garden party that has to come shit on your parade.
And then they drag the kid into it.
Now, I am happy to move though for two kids to sit together.
I mean, a mom and a kid to sit together.
Like if I’m flying somewhere by myself and somebody, I’m happy to do that.
But I could never in a million years imagine someone asking a child to move so they could
sit by their significant other.
I was so shocked that they asked.
And I kind of looked at them and were like, we’re together.
And I was like, this is my child.
Who gives a shit if you’re together?
Fucking grow up and go sit in your fucking seat.
I hate them.
No, they were awful.
Good one, Julia.
That’s so true.
Lots, lots of fuckery going on.
Lots in this.
The next one is Hbriggs13 on Instagram.
Hi, I’m Heather.
And I have had it with random people from high school using social media to sell their
pyramid scheme products.
I don’t want to buy your shakes, your oils, your shampoo, your magic coffee, or your meal
plan where ground beef on bell peppers counts as nachos.
I definitely don’t want to join your bootcamp challenge.
These people never come out and say what they’re selling.
They like to be vague and brag about how they used to be bald, overweight and constipated.
But now, thanks to the nameless miracle, they have thick hair, toned bodies and take large
satisfying shits every day.
You’re not a hashtag girl boss.
You’re taking advantage of your friends and family to sell shit.
And I’ve had it.
Heather, this is something that we are 100% on board with you and it’s called forced capitalism.
We’re going to do a whole episode about it because it is so rampant and ridiculous.
Forced capitalism is a huge fucking problem.
It is a huge problem where people force the capitalism upon you and that is what your
high school friends are doing to you.
This is similar to the kiosks in the mall.
You’re just walking down the mall and next thing you know, people are spraying shit on
you, rubbing lotion on your hands and you didn’t choose to go in that store because
the kiosk is out in the public part of the mall.
And so if you go into Banana Republic and there’s an overzealous saleswoman, you can
just hightail it right on out of there.
It is awful.
The worst is in your home where a friend invites you to a party and they’re selling shit at
the party so you feel like you can’t leave unless you buy something.
Do you remember that time when our kids, remember when we sent our kids to that Jewish
preschool because we had great hours?
We loved that little school.
Anyway, this mom called me and she’s like, Hey Jennifer, this is blank and I have this
great opportunity for you.
And I was like, Oh, okay.
What is it?
I’m thinking she’s going to have a great babysitter for you that I want to share or whatever.
And she’s like, I sell Arbonne and I think that you would be phenomenal at selling Arbonne.
And I’m like, I don’t want to sell it.
I don’t want to have any part of it.
She gets so mad at me and she keeps going on, you would be so good at it.
You need to do this.
And I was like, I don’t want to do it.
I don’t care how good at it I would be.
I don’t want to buy it.
No part of it.
I don’t want to use it.
I don’t want to sell it.
And I want to cease talking to you about it.
That’s how over the whole thing.
To this day when I see her, she is still super icy to me because I did not want to sell Arbonne
and she needs to be stopped.
This is why Heather sent a voice memo to a podcast DM because what happened to me did
not happen in a vacuum.
Anyway, I agree with you, Heather.
It’s a problem and Congress needs to act.
There’s a long list of things that need to be taken care of.
That’s probably in the top 10 for sure.
Maybe we could start a super PAC.
Say no to forced capitalism.
Okay, Kylie, what’s next?
Up next we’ve got Demi W. Okay, Demi.
I have had it with listening to Jennifer talk about pickleball.
So I was curious and put it in my search bar on TikTok.
Now every other video is about pickleball.
I fucking have it.
Fucking love Demi.
She is speaking my language like you have a rare talent that any subject I could say
my dog died and you say, well, pickleball, I mean, there’s no pickleball reference that
you won’t bring in unnecessarily.
So Demi, thank you.
I love that.
She Googled it on TikTok and now it’s every other video that just fucking sucks.
Your phone is just not your friend sometimes.
So Demi, I would apologize to you, but that would take a big person and we all know how
petty you are.
I am a very small little person and I love pickleball and I’m secretly so happy that
in your ugly thoughts towards me that you’re now being tormented and stalked by the algorithm.
So anyway, don’t hate the player, Demi, don’t hate the player.
She hates the player and the game.
I can see why people will have had it with me over pickleball, but I’m going to tell
Pickleball has been something that brought out something better in me.
You are such a fucking bitch.
We don’t have to have a manifesto.
We’re all clear.
You love pickleball.
Oh, listen, I’m going to say something really sweet.
Why are you being such a bitch?
Because Kylie and I caught eyes when you started in on your pickleball and I’m just like, here
I’m just going to tell you this.
I had a no new friend policy for many years.
You know that.
I know that.
A very stern.
No new friend policy.
And I was just trying to shed friends.
And make my world even smaller.
And I have met the most wonderful, awesome people that I now play pickleball with.
And I think it’s making me a kinder, gentler person that has more friends in their life.
I mean, don’t think I’m going crazy.
I’m going to start crying all the time or anything like that.
I mean, that’s not going to happen.
You’re not going to cry and post it on the internet.
Don’t think I’m going to, you know, no, I’m not going to cry and post it on the fucking
Fuck you, Demi.
Fuck you, Pumps.
And fuck you, Kylie.
I want Demi to know that.
That also has happened to me since I started working here.
And my phone’s near you at all times.
I scroll and it’s like by this pickleball racket.
I’m getting pickleball accessories, clothes.
It’s pickleball by proxy.
And the last one is Allison M. Okay.
I’ve had it with these yak mouth grocery store clerks making a comment on every fucking
thing on the conveyor belt.
Oh, have you tried these?
Oh, I’ve been wanting these.
These sound good.
These are my favorite.
Oh, someone’s having a party.
I’m coming home with you.
Just keep it moving and put the shit in the bag.
I got things to do.
Could not agree more.
Could not agree more.
I don’t like that is it’s like judgment and they do it.
Like I maybe I am having some people over or maybe I just feel like eating a bunch of
No, I totally get the judgment thing.
Like if you have a bunch of like snacks, right?
Like little kid snacks or sweets or oh, well, you’re not worried about gluten or something
and you’re like, shut the fuck up.
Nobody asked you to comment on my grocery order.
No, I completely agree.
Or like when you’re buying a bunch of alcohol, I’ve heard that, you know, now they have in
Oklahoma, it’s very new that they sell liquor in grocery stores.
And I’ve heard somebody be like, oh, well, this is a lot of liquor.
You’re sure you can handle all this?
Like why are you making a comment about how much wine she’s buying?
It’s none of your fucking business.
She wants to sit in the parking lot and drink till she passes out and call an Uber.
That’s her business.
No, it’s I can’t.
I don’t like all of the extra yak mouthing.
I hate it.
I absolutely despise it.
It’s bad enough when they say, did you find everything okay?
Because you’re not going to go, you know, I really was looking for these cotton balls,
but I didn’t have.
I always say, yep, I did.
Even if I spent 30 minutes looking for something, I’m like, yep.
No, it is at waiters that talk too much.
Nothing can ruin a nice dinner more than a waiter that thinks they’re part of the party.
It’s just too much.
It’s way too much.
Josh and I were in London once and this waiter just, I mean, he just yacked and yacked.
You completely ruined our lunch.
It will ruin your whole thing.
We were dining alfresco.
It was a beautiful, sunny September day in London and this fucking yak mouth waiter just
He starts in.
He’s an expert on everything.
You know, then he starts telling, he’s an expert on the United States of America, even
though he’s not American.
I’m like, here’s the deal, buddy.
I don’t want to hear this.
I want to eat lunch with my husband, not with you.
It was never ending.
We liked the food so much.
We thought about going back the next day because Josh and I will do that if we like a restaurant.
No, because of him.
No, it’s bad.
I think the grocery store is what we’re learning on this podcast is just a minefield.
The grocery store is a huge, huge problem.
You’ve got cart abusers.
People that whip out their vacation photos.
Let me tell you something that happened to me at the grocery store.
This was about three years ago.
So I was really into the, or am into those, you know, the reusable bags so you don’t have
to have it in plastic bags.
You know, you have your own little grocery bags.
Bring your own grocery bags.
And I had a set of about five that were fantastic and they were kind of big.
Everything could fit in them perfectly.
So I get my grocery cart and I put my bags that I brought from my groceries to be bagged
in underneath my cart, like on that lower shelf of the cart.
So I go to checkout at the checkout counter and I get down to get my bags and they’re
And I was like, I swear to God, I had my bags here.
Hang on one second.
Keep checking, you know, keep scanning all this stuff.
I’m going to go scan the aisles that must have fallen out.
So as I go to start scanning the aisles, two rows down, there is a woman who has every,
all five of my bags.
And so I say to her, hey, those are my bags.
They fell out of my cart.
I need them back.
And she goes, no, they’re not.
And I go, yes, they are.
And she goes, I brought these.
And I go, you realize there’s about 9,500 video cameras above us, right?
So do you want to go down this road with me?
You’re going to give me my fucking bags back.
And she was like, well, I, and I was like, and the guy, the manager, like sees the whole
thing go down because there’s nothing worse than a liar doubled down on the stolen bag.
If she just would have said, oh my God, I saw them.
I’m so sorry.
Here they go.
But she lied and said that she brought them, you know, grocery stores have all the video
So the manager sees that, like, it’s escalating, might have a little desktop here.
And so he’s like, I’m going to give you all new bags.
And I was like, I kind of want those bags.
I want those bags.
So now you’re being just a touch petulant.
Because I took the high road always was gracious.
So you let her keep the bag.
I just, I, I mean, I didn’t want people again.
I took into account that people waiting in line, right?
They don’t want to go in.
I didn’t want to be the problem at the grocery store.
Like this fucking liar, lying liar was, she stole my bags and then lied about it.
That’s, I mean, that’s bad, awful.
I mean, stealing and doubling down on the, on the Reese, I’m trying to be a good ambassador
to the planet with my bags.
And I get dicked over by the lying liar who lies a lot.
Who stole my grocery bags.
What a bitch.
What a bitch.
We hate her.
Tough had it with her.
Alice in the grocery stores are a problem.
From fellow consumers.
And I’ll tell you something that really, really, really, really, really bugs the shit out of
I mean, from top to bottom, couples that grocery shop together and hold hands while it’s so
I don’t get it.
I don’t understand it.
I’m like, there are a lot of romantic places on the planet.
A grocery store is not one.
No, it’s go in, get your shit, pay for your shit, get the fuck out.
I don’t know if it’s a browsing thing.
I mean, I, I cannot imagine why you would take your spouse.
Josh and I have gone to the grocery store together.
I would say divide and conquer.
We divide and conquer.
One hand is on a cart.
The other hand is holding.
There’s no excuse for it.
I don’t care what the venue is.
And it’s an aisle.
It could be a fucking Walgreens.
People have to pass.
I’ve still had it.
No, I don’t.
Well, listener, thank you for joining.
Do you feel better?
I feel better.
I feel better.
We got a lot off our chest.
A lot off our chest.
And listener, we hope you have too.
And don’t get it twisted.
Don’t get it twisted for a second.
Because we have had it with a lot of things.
And we have it out in these therapy sessions.
And then we go out in the world and feign happiness and grace and dignity and respect
And we encourage you to do the same.
But join us when, Pumps?
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
We will see you next Tuesday.
DM us some more voice memos.
Pumps, you nailed that closing.
Did I mess it up?
You nailed it a hard time.
The entry clap you’re getting really good at.
But I’m fading at the end.
You’re fading at the end.
The sorority voice comes out.
Just follow us.
Like me more than her.
I’ll tell you what I’ve had it with.
Let’s hear it.