I've Had It - Little Dick David

Welcome to I’ve Had It. Thank you. Jenny, tell the listener about our exciting news.

Listener, we are now available on Patreon where you can subscribe to hear all sorts

of bonus content, blooper reels, dramatic readings of hate comments, and you can follow

along in Pumps’s journey. And if we get 1 million subscribers, Pumps will take off her

clothes and balance a wire hanger on her nipple. I didn’t say take off all my clothes. I would

take my top off. I wouldn’t have my vagine out. Let me clarify, listener. Okay. She will

go topless and balance a wire hanger on the sagging dragons. Are the sagging dragons too

far south? We got to get… No, right now we could do it, but I’m just saying like a

year from now, I may not be able to do my hanger trick. Time is of the essence. That’s

right. Get on there. Follow us on Patreon. Welcome to this special edition of I’ve Had

It. I want to start off with a positive comment that we received on YouTube that I would like

to share with you and the listener and Kylie and Richard. Excellent. Lay it on me. Okay.

Sin posted, I literally binged your podcast and now I’m binging your YouTube. I love Jen’s

honesty. Hot as hell. And I love her laugh. Genuine. Pumps, I love your honesty. Hotter

than Jen, by the way. Sorry, Jen. And you are so loyal and honest. You guys make my

week. That’s so nice. That is so nice. So without further ado, I’d like to introduce

myself. I am Jen and the star of our show. Hotter than hot. Hotter than me. Pumps. All

I’m going to say is you can just refer to me from here on out as the hot one, the hotter

one. What about the hot star? The hot star. The hot star of our show, Pumps. That is funny.

I will have to say, I know we love reading the mean comments, but the reviews have been

so kind and gracious. I mean, really nice. I love our little tribe we’ve got going. I

wanted to read something positive and I always love, because our friendship is such, that

I love when somebody like really is overly effusive towards you. Say that you’re the

star of the show or that you’re hotter. I get the biggest kick out of it because I feel

that way about you. And so I share with them in their praise of you. But I don’t want to

get too entirely positive. We don’t want to get too sappy around here. That’s not what

this brand is. But we do love each other and Pumps is a star and a hot one at that.

And hotter than Jen, just so everybody knows.

Before we get any further, I want to share a story that I read in the news this morning,

because you know, every morning I’m a voracious reader of the news. And there is a school

principal in Tallahassee, Florida, that was forced to resign after parents started complaining

because in an art history class, she showed them and taught them about Michelangelo’s David.

Oh, because David’s naked.


Right. But it’s David.

So these parents think that it is pornographic.

Oh, for fuck’s sake. I mean, really? Florida just needs to be annexed off the planet.

I have seen David in person.

I have too.

In Florence. And it is so impressive. And so incredible. I absolutely like when I remember

when I went to see it, and they made this dome that kind of goes over him at the museum that

he’s in. And I was like, wow. Yeah. I mean, David is very impressive. And it really chaps my hide

how prude Americans are about nudity.

It’s so fucking stupid. It’s so stupid. It’s so close minded. Nobody looks at David and says

sexual. Although I do have to say, just as a little backbone of what you just said. So when

we went to see him when I was backpacking here with my girlfriend, we went to see him.

And we were both like, amazing, great. He kind of had a small penis for how big the rest of him was,

didn’t you think?

Total small penis.

Small penis. So that makes me think Michelangelo had a small penis.

No, I researched this.

Oh, you did?

Yes. Back 2,500 years ago, an ancient Greek or an ancient Roman, small penises were more sought

after than large penises. Yes, because a sound Greek or Roman, they valued intellect. And they

felt like a large penis detracted from that.

So kind of like if your penis is smaller, your brain’s bigger and you’re smarter.

Yes. And so it’s not just David that has a small penis. A lot of ancient Greek and ancient Roman

statues have smaller penises. But we’re digressing here. Because listen, I mean,

we’re in the age, the modern age, where size does matter. And I do think David could have

a larger penis.

I do too. I think it just proportionately.

I thought got great ass, great legs, great abs.

Here we are sexualizing. So we’re kind of falling into the nut job.

No, I wasn’t. No, I’m not sexualized. I wasn’t sexualizing him. I thought, God,

what a beautiful specimen. I didn’t want to jump his bones. But I was a little bit discouraged

by the size of his penis.

Right. And I just think that whole-

But I want to talk about that these parents think that their children seeing a piece of art like

that, that somehow that’s pornographic. I think that is so crazy and so fucking nuts. It’s crazy

nuts that they think that there’s something pornographic about that. And they would not

want them to learn about one of the greatest sculptors that has ever lived or walked the

earth. So it makes me wonder what these parents are thinking, A, is so pornographic about David.

And B, are you aware that there is this thing called the World Wide Web?

That’s what I was just going to say.

This poor woman had to resign for teaching about Michelangelo’s David. I mean, like

an amazing piece of art despite his teeny weenie.

His teeny weenie.

You know, teeny weenie on David.

Could have gone a little bigger.

But I have had it with that, with the censorship of art. It’s just it really like it’s so depressing

to think, OK, it’s 2023 and you’ve got some yahoos that are wound up like cheap clocks

over Michelangelo’s David.

Right. It makes no sense. It’s like that’s where you’re putting your time. You’re going

to fight Michelangelo’s David. That’s what you want to spend your free time on.

Meanwhile, parents of Tallahassee, I guarantee you, your kids are beaten off to ass fucking

on YouTube.

100 percent. And probably the husband, too. That’s probably why she’s so mad about it.


He’s probably out with all the girls doing all that kind of thing.

You know, it’s just it’s bananas. It really I thought, good God, they must look over the

Italians must read this and think.

They’re so stupid.

What a bunch of idiots that cannot appreciate art.

See, my thing with art is I know you have to like it. I know you have to go to the museums

when you’re in Europe, all that. But like if you said, would you rather go to a soft

women’s softball game or the Louvre? It’s not even a close call for me.

See, I mean, so I’m I’m part of the problem in that I appreciate art for what it like

what it gives people that like art are smarter, blah, blah, blah, blah. You have to have it.

It’s cultured. But in terms of like if I’m going to spend my day somewhere, I mean, I

probably could do the Louvre in forty five minutes, hit the highlights. I’m out.

I think most lesbians would probably choose to go to

the women’s softball game. Don’t you, Kylie?

I think you’re more lesbian than I am.

I do. I think you’re more of a lesbian than Kylie, who’s in a relationship with a woman.

I know. I just I’m not very cultured. That’s just not my thing.

I can’t believe we’re friends.

I know.

It’s amazing because, you know, we really have like our

are the things that we like to do in our spare time are so different.

Right. Like you love to shop. I hate to shop. I would rather do

anything on the planet. I’d rather go to the Louvre than shopping.

I think art is so compelling and so fantastic. It needs to be protected.

There’s nothing wrong with nudity. Nothing.

Especially in art.

And I bet you those kids are pussies.

A hundred percent.

Nobody likes a pussy.

And I just feel sorry for the kids, really, because it’s not their fault.

OK. All right.

OK. That’s enough. Let’s.

We digress. But I just I wanted to highlight that because I think we need to protect art.

I agree. And even though I’m not a connoisseur of art, I agree with you 100 percent.

Thank you.

I mean, I’m behind it. I’ll march for it. I’ll do all that.

I just don’t want to have to really look at it.

You want to go to the women’s softball?

A hundred percent.

Kylie, do you watch women’s softball?


See, you are gayer than Kylie.

I am.

I did play at one point.


When I was younger.


Is this the time for me to tell about my lesbian dream that I had?

It’s a great opportunity. Let’s hear it.

Listener, hang on just one second. Parental discretion advised.

We don’t want those parents in Tallahassee to come after us.

Pups proceed.

So back in the day when OU women’s basketball was really, really, really good,

I was on vacation with a girlfriend. I took an Ambien, which I don’t normally take.

And I had a full on dream, sex dream about one of the players.

Like it was a full lesbian dream.

Were you aroused?

Yes. Like I woke up. Yes.

Listen, listener, I mean, there is a strong case. There is time for you yet.

Kylie always tells me there’s still time.

There is time for you because, I mean, you know, you don’t really,

you’re not interested in dating men right now.

I’m not interested in dating women either.

All right. Well, thank you so much for sharing your lesbian dream

with the listener and with me.

Yeah. I mean, my whole point is that’s the only dream that I was like sexually aroused at.

It was with a woman.

So you’ve never had a wet dream with a man?


Oh, see, I have many.

Have you? With that basketball or that tennis player?

Tennis players. Yeah.

Okay. Well, maybe I am a lesbian. I just don’t know it yet.

We’ll see.

We’ll see. There is time.

There’s time.

Please subscribe to our Patreon where we are going to follow Pump’s evolution of coming

out of the closet. For only $4.99, once we receive 1 million subscribers,

Pumps will not only balance a wire hanger on her nipple, she will come out of the closet.

At a softball game.

Okay, Kylie, what you got for us today?

Okay. Speaking of Americans being embarrassing.


Jilly B has something to say about that.

Jilly B.

Hi, everyone. This is Jill from Canada, and I have fucking had it.

Fucking had it with American cruise ship tourists up here in Canada.

I live on the East Coast. I don’t know why you come here. I mean,

apparently the leaves changing color is something you don’t get in the US.

Maybe our lobsters are different, but fuck me.

If one more fucking American asks me one stupid fucking question about a country that they share

a huge border with, I’m going to fucking murder somebody.

If I have one more person ask me if I have the right to fucking vote,

or if the Queen, do we vote in the Queen? Do we vote in the King? Fuck.

Do I have the right to vote as a woman? I don’t get it. Stop fucking sending them to us.

Keep them there. We don’t want them. Thanks.

Jilly B.


I mean, love that she’s from Canada.

Okay. Here’s the deal. First and foremost, I completely agree with you as evidenced

by my starting point that people in America are getting wound up about fucking Michelangelo’s

David being taught to children, which is stupid. Secondly, I fucking hate cruises. I hate everything

about them. I hate group activities, and the cruise is like the fucking creme de la creme

of group activities. I’ve never been on one. I will never go on one. I think they need to be

completely, you always hear about somebody falling off a cruise ship, like on a Dateline murder

mystery. Did they fall off or did they jump? Or were they pushed?

You’re probably hoping they all fall off, Jilly B. But lastly, the ethnocentricity of Americans-

It’s bad.

Is so embarrassing. It is so embarrassing that we don’t know much about Canada.

Well, they’re not allowed to study art history, so they’re probably not banging it out on

world affairs or history, period. It’s a cry in shame.

It’s a cry in shame that this shit’s going on, the censorship, the book censorship,

all that shit that’s going on in Florida right now with that, whatever, Ron DeSantis. But I mean,

Trump is pretty good at making nicknames.

Ron DeSanctimonious is pretty good.

DeSanctimonious is pretty good. I mean, I fucking hate Trump, but that is a really good nickname.

That’s a great one.


All right. You guys called Trude Americans. What’s the capital of Canada?


No, fuck.


No, that’s the French part.


I don’t know either.

Toronto? I mean, I do know who the president is.

Is it the president?

Yeah, because he’s hot.

Prime minister.

Yeah, the hot.

Justin Trudeau is hot.

Trudeau is hot. The hot prime minister.

He’s hot. I follow him on Instagram and he’ll do one video completely in English and then he

follows it up, fluent French. Yeah, he’s hot. I like him.

Anybody that speaks more than one language, I totally love them.



Hey, Pumps, did you say Ottawa?

I did.

Jennifer, you were correct.

Yeah. Take that, Jilly B.

Here we’re browbeating Americans and then worst offenders.

I got it right, though.

I know, but I’m just saying.

I nailed it. Ottawa.

Was that your first answer, though?

It was my first answer. Rewind the tape.

We don’t have tapes.

Instant replay.

Instant replay.

Suck it, Pumps.

I can’t remember.

You may be hot and you may be the star, but you didn’t know the capital of Canada.

That’s right. We need to brush up on our history.

Go eat a bag of dicks, Pumps.

Okay, up next, we’ve got Jackson B.

Okay. I just love all the men.

I’ve had it with adults over the age of 21 that still need a lift to and from the airport.

I just spent three hours in traffic in total from Santa Monica to LAX and LAX back to Santa Monica.

And granted, I had to drop my husband at the airport, but still, I feel like this fits for

them as well. Be a fucking adult and download the Uber app and stop trapping people into

taking you to the airport.

He rings me on his way home from like a trip, a work trip.

He’s been away for a week and he says, babe, do you have anything planned tonight?

And I said, no, of course I don’t.

Dinner and a movie.

He said, thank God you don’t have anything planned.

Now, I thought he was going to take me on a date.

No, he goes, I’ve got an emergency in Texas.

I have to fly there for work and I’ve got to go tonight so you can take me to the airport.

Great. We’ll spend some time together.

That is not quality fucking time.

Grow up.


That’s a dick over to asking if he had plans first.

I mean, he just like got him right in there.

First and foremost.

Thank you so much for the Australian accent because that really brought an international

flair to I’ve had it.

Yes, it totally did.

Love him.

Secondly, I could not agree with you more about adults not being self starters on getting

their fucking rides to the airport.

And I’ll tell you a story that just happened this very week.

So pumps, 22 year old son had to go to the airport and he had to be there at like seven.

So he starts texting me at six 30 that pumps is listening to our podcast, cracking up at

herself and me in the car and that it was insufferable for him to ride to the airport.

And I said, well, I think it’s kind of cute that she likes to listen to our podcast and

crack up at us.

And he said, yeah, I’m just not in the mindset for this right now, Jenny.

And I said, Sam, this is why there is Uber.


And he said, I will keep that in mind for next time.


And I just want to remind everybody, if you are new listeners, pumps over mothers, her

children, it’s really, it’s borderline criminal, but she, it, she takes mothering to such an

extreme that she is involved in a group me for her 22 year old son.

Like all the moms of these other 22 year olds have a fucking group me.

And this is a huge fucking problem.

I mean, I can’t with it.

I mean, it really brings up a lot of unsettled rage.

It feels fresh again.


I’m an over mother.

I mean, that’s not a newsflash though.

That’s from the job.

I will say this.

You are a wonderful mother.

Thank you.

And you have such great relationships with your kids.

You just need to let them start doing for themselves what they can do for themselves.

I know he did Uber home from the airport, but we were doing a podcast.

That’s why.


If not, I would have picked him up otherwise.

Tomahawk chopper.

I mean, he would have helicoptered that thing all the way.

I would have with the zero.

I mean, like I went to bed at two o’clock in the morning, got up and took him to the

airport at six.

Never crossed my mind to tell him to do an Uber.

I love my boys more than anything on the planet.

You pick up Dylan from the airport because he’s gone.


When he comes back in town from being away from me for five months in Syracuse.


But there are times where when he flies back to Syracuse, he leaves super early in the

morning and you can book an Uber the night before to be at your house.

And here’s the deal.

My children wouldn’t want to burden me.


We’re not an over mother at the Welch residence, but we sure are over at the Sullivan one.

That’s all right.


Up next, we’ve got Haley H.

Hi, ladies.

I absolutely love your podcast.

It is currently 9.59 at night and it just dawned on me what I’ve had it with this week.

I’ve absolutely fucking had it with girls who have to bring their clingy, weird ass

boyfriends or husbands, whatever, partner, whoever it is with them everywhere we fucking


They are not my friend.

You are my friend.

I cannot speak about how insufferable they are while they’re sitting right next to me.

I’ve fucking had it.

I’ve had it.

Leave them at home.

This is girl time.

I don’t want Chad listening in on how my menstrual cycle is off course again and how my boyfriend

smells weird sometimes.

Like, please.

I’ve had it.

Get him out of here.

He’s got to fucking go.

I completely agree with her.

If somebody, if we were having a girls night and somebody brought their husband, they would

be blackballed forever.


From the girls night.

But people do this.

I mean, do they?


Back when we were more social, there’s always that super enmeshed couple that has to do

everything together.

That cannot create their own path for themselves individually and then have their relationship


And she’s 100% right that this is something that is going on.

And listen to me, everybody.

If you’re involved in one of these enmeshed relationships, you need to first and foremost

try to get out of it.

But if you can’t, don’t drag them everywhere because then you have no identity.

Your whole identity is enmeshed into being this couple.

Well, you know what?

I think when you talk about somebody that goes with their girlfriend, spouse, partner,

whatever, everywhere, that it’s a control thing and that that might be like the next

Dateline NBC.

I mean, if you have a man, first of all, why would any man want to go on a girls night?

I agree with you.

This is going to lead to homicide and murder.

It is just weird.

Breaking news.

I’ve had a podcast.

When you see couples that have to drag their significant other to everything, it is a precursor

to murder, right?

I mean, not necessarily FBI shortlist, but it’s I mean, it’s just a controlling.

It’s weird.

Several steps to getting to homicide.


I would say that’s worse.

What if the couple are both yak mouths and then they have to go everywhere together?

I think it’s going to end in homicide.


Me killing both of them if they’re both yak mouths and he she brings them on a girl strike.

I mean, on a girls night trip.

I mean, that just I mean, can you imagine if we got off the plane for a girls trip and

Josh Welch was there?


I can’t even wrap my head around it now.


I would just blackball that friend and I would tell her straight up.

Probably you have some controlling issues.

Either way, you need to take a look at maybe hit up a therapist.

Or you’re going to die.

Let’s not take it that far.

You’re the one that brought up Dateline.

I’m just going on your track.

You’re the one that’s talking about murder.

I’m just going with it.

I’m just saying that much control that they won’t let you go have dinner by yourself with

your girlfriends.

OJ situation.

It’s weird.


That’s a huge red flag.

Listen, not only on this podcast do we talk about stuff that we’ve had it with.

We’re solving crimes and preventing crimes.

Preventing crimes.

This is crime prevention.

Crime prevention podcast.

It is.

Crime prevention.

Don’t be a yak mouth.

Don’t take your significant other everywhere with you.

These two things, especially combined, lead to homicide and heading a Dateline series.


Keith Morrison could be coming to your house.

God, I love him.

God, I love him too.

He’s Canadian.

Well, look at you.


Jilly B.

I mean, Pumps is just a fucking walking Wikipedia about Canadians.

About Canadians.



Up next, we’ve got Marina J.


I have had it.

I mean, I’ve McFucking had it with this Valley girl affectation, if you will, that people

are talking like nowadays.

Nowadays, it’s not real.

And I can’t even do it good because nobody talks like that.

I asked my mom 20 years ago, 15 years ago, were people talking like this?

No, they weren’t.

They don’t talk like this.

I work with this girl.

She talks like that all the time.

I can’t even focus on what she’s saying because all I can hear is like, seriously, thank you

guys so much.

Like, do you know what I mean?

Do you get what I mean by that?

Thank you.

Knock it off.

It’s not cute.

I’ve seriously had it.

She’s not wrong.

She’s not wrong.

This is going on.

And these are the same low IQ people that misuse the word literally.


I’m literally dead.

And it’s like, no, you’re literally alive.


I mean, I agree with her.

You see this, or I’ll have to do business with somebody in the design industry.

You’ve got some young whipper, snapper that’s a sales rep for some fabric line.

And you’ll call and it’s like, currently that fabric is out of stock.

Expected refill date is January 1st.

Would you like for me to reserve that?

And it’s like, what I’d like for you to do is quit talking like a fucking moron.


And you’re not impressing anybody.

It makes you sound dumb.


And I feel dumber for having heard it.


You know, so I agree with her.

Now, I don’t run into as many people that talk like this because I spend most of my time trying

to avoid running into people altogether.


So I would advise that you make your life smaller and start shedding people from your life.

But I think she said she worked with her.

So she’s stuck.

I think she just quits talking to this woman.

Just ignore her.



So here I have two things on this.

Number one, the movie Valley Girl.

Remember that movie?

It was Nicolas Cage.



So that was like middle school age for me.



And I immediately wrote down all of those things that they said and was trying so hard to be a

Valley Girl.


Stop, stop.

Gag me with a spoon.

You took notes.

Yes, we all did.

I mean.

In cursive.

Oh, for sure.


100% cursive.

I wonder if that’s coming back around, like the gag me with the spoon, or is it just the

affect of the voice?

I don’t think it ever went anywhere.

I think it’s evolved much like, you know.


Pubic hair grooming has evolved throughout the years.

So when we were younger, it did exist, this kind of affected voice.

And they were Valley Girls.

And I think I practiced it and I nailed it for years.

So you’re a part of the problem.

So I am a part of the problem.




I don’t talk like that now.

No, you just sound like a fucking redneck now.


Which I am a redneck.

So that’s at least okay.

We both have pretty big Southern accents.

When I listen, I think I don’t have one.

But I think when I hang out with you too, it really.

Gets worse.


Because it’s like a comfort thing.

You know, it’s like a comfort way to speak.

Kylie, who’s next?

Up next, we got Jonathan G.

I’m just so thrilled we have all these men.

Hey guys, not sure if you’re still sharing these things,

but I thought I would give you an Australian perspective.

I don’t think the I’ve had it has as much impact as I’m fucking done with this shit.

And that’s like the Australian version.

So I’m fucking done with people turning up to my house unannounced.

Like friends, family, anyone.

Like do not turn up to my house unannounced.

It’s such a cunty thing to do.

Totally agree.


It is a very cunty thing to do.

And how international are we?

I love that we have two men, both from Australia.

I mean, it makes me just so happy.

We are hot fucking shit today, pups.

We are.

We are killing it on the international scale.

We are crushing Australia.



But let me just, I could not agree with you more about the unannounced show ups.

I have a very strict unannounced policy at my house that you cannot come over

unless you have clearance beforehand.


But I’ve also branched this policy to my interior design office.

As we well know.

And it is constantly abused.

And I am at the cusp of committing mass homicide in Oklahoma City.

Because I am so fucking mad about this situation where on my door it says,

do not enter unless you have an appointment or a delivery.

And despite this being in cap lock, red, bold, as large of a font as I can get it,

people constantly come into my office lost, asking for directions.

And I have fucking had it up to my eyeballs with it.

I don’t know what to do about it.

Because I am genuinely this, I mean, this, sometimes I think about it at night and I

just get so, to quote him, I’m fucking done.


I mean, it is beyond I’ve had it.

I am fucking done.

Don’t come to my fucking office.

Don’t show up unless you’re the fucking United States Postal Service with a package for me.

Or Amazon.

Or somebody in my staff.

Or Amazon.


Or you have a pre-approved appointment.


End of story.

Read the fucking sign.

Do not enter.

But yeah, but here’s the thing I’m kind of worried about with the office people.

Like at some point.

I’m going to snap.

You really might snap.

I mean, it bugs the shit out of you.

Pam says famous quote about me when she can tell we know each other so well.

When I’m working up, she can read my eyes and my body language.

And she’ll look at those around us and she’ll say, oh, Jenny’s about to blow.

She’s about to blow.

And it’s not pretty.

It’s coming.

The blow is coming for some.

Well, you’ve already called somebody a fucking bitch.

I mean, how much worse could it be without violence?

She was a fucking bitch.

I doubled down.

That’s beside the point.

I maintain.

She got snappy with me that I didn’t know where her suite was.

And I don’t fucking know where it is because I only drive to Jennifer Welch Designs.

It’s not my responsibility to know where her fucking lawyer office is.

Can you not fucking read?

I’ve had it.

I’m fucking done.

Well, I mean, you’re just worked up just thinking about it.

I need to just center myself.

OK, well, I mean, we just got you wound up today.

I just wound up like a cheap.

I mean, you are just on a roll.

We could do this forever.

I know.

I know.

You know, I’m afraid the listener might think I’m wound up like this all the time.

They might not think you’re a kind, gentle soul.

They might get the wrong impression that you’re cynical.



No, I am cynical.

But I in daily life, I’m typically because I’ve navigated as such that I don’t have these

interactions that much to get worked up.


I know I was thinking the other day, I have a pretty drama free life and I like it like


Yeah, we have.

We have.

We’ve lived the drama in the drama.

We’ve done all the drama that anybody could ever do.

But I like having a drama free life.

I agree.

Listen up, listener, that will conclude this very special episode.

And if you would like to see Pomp’s balance a wire hanger off her nipple and follow her

journey in coming out of the closet and joining the lesbian community,

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We will see you next Tuesday.

Nailed it, Pomp’s.

Or Thursday.

Either way.

Either way, it smells good.

That’s right.

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