Hi friends, so in this episode I’m gonna get real vulnerable and I have to to
prove my point and one thing about me is I’m gonna prove my motherfucking point
no matter what I have to do so in this one I gotta expose some things about
myself and I do want to say if there is one episode of my podcast that you
listen to fully I hope it’s this one because I’m gonna share some awareness
that I’ve gained that I think could benefit every single human being in
existence I don’t mean to toot my own horn but this is a fucking good
realization I had another thing I’m excited to share is my fucking app is
live it’s finished all the updates are done the journal prompts are ready for
you to use them go do that shadow work bitch if you don’t know what I’m talking
about I have an app it’s called positive focus it was just positive notifications
like to your phone to shift your focus like haha you get the name positive
focus but I just added a whole section of like shadow work prompts and like
journaling prompts basically it’s just questions to ask yourself so you can
gain awareness and figure yourself out so if you want to check that out which I
really hope you do I will put the link in the description of this podcast but
also you can just go in the App Store and type in positive focus and it’s the
blue one with the eyeball so if you do check it out let me know what you think
I really want to know how you feel about it and I hope it helps you so at
the basic level this episode is gonna be about why you need to express the way
that you feel like the actual way that you feel good or bad why you need to
tell people and why you’re a fucking asshole if you don’t but we’re gonna
have to circle back to that as like in business terms circle back I make
myself laugh at the stupidest fucking shit so my entire life I have felt not
considered by people by friends by parents but people in relationships I’ve
been in literally I’ve I never feel considered I never feel like my feelings
matter people have always just treated me like I don’t have feelings and I’m
just supposed to be okay with shit and my entire childhood I was bullied really
bad like in an unrealistic way like it was fucking excessive the shit that
people would say and do to me you know as long as I can remember people have
fucking hated me people have treated me unfairly and treated me like I didn’t
have feelings and like I didn’t matter like I was never considered I’ve never
felt like a human being to other people I feel like this exception and this like
just fucking thing that people just disregard I’m just supposed to have
everything figured the fuck out that’s it like that’s basically it and I know I
sound like a whiny fucking bitch like I sound like a victim a little but it’s
the truth it’s how I fucking feel and I’m gonna take responsibility for my
contribution of that but just shut up and listen okay cuz we’re gonna get to
that don’t throw judgments yet this is a safe space I’m expressing how I feel
another thing is people have just always seemed to expect me to be okay with shit
that they would not be okay with like it’s all fun and games when I’m the one
getting hurt or I’m the one having to deal with something but as soon as it’s
flipped and they’re the one having to go through it oh no then I’m the fucking
asshole then I’m the heartless one then I’m the like the bad guy what that I
don’t fucking understand I’ve always been the outcast I’ve never felt like I
belonged I’ve never felt someone’s favorite someone has always liked
someone more than me and when I say everyone I say everyone for a reason
I’ve never been someone’s number one I’ve never been someone’s best friend
I’ve never been like the closest person to someone and that’ll fuck you up hi you
don’t turn out like me because you had a good fucking easy life you don’t have
the awareness that I have at 23 because you had a good fucking life take that in
for a second so with not feeling considered I went into that and I tried
to see where I was contributing you know like what the fuck is in my control that
will help me be considered and bitch when I tell you I open up a can of worms
I was not ready for because the way that I have been treated is partly my
fault because I act like everything’s fine I act like I have everything under
control I act like things don’t bother me so the way that people have treated
me for so long it’s kind of because I allow it I make it seem like that so I
basically realized I’m a fucking asshole because I don’t tell people the way I
actually feel like I will just let things happen and not express the true
way I feel about it like if something small happens I’ll just let it go and
build resentment silently which is so fucking bad and so detrimental to any
relationship you could have like that’s the worst thing you can fucking do and
I’m over here doing it so I realized in order for me to be considered I have to
present myself fully to people if someone does not know I’m upset how the
fuck are they gonna know to comfort me if someone doesn’t know that something
bothers me how are they supposed to know to change it if I act like I’m okay with
it how the fuck are they supposed to know to change it that’s not fair I’ve
been putting people in an unfair position for a very long time yes we can
get into the why the why is because every time I’ve expressed how I felt
growing up it was met with you’re annoying shut the fuck up why are you
complaining how ungrateful are you that you’re fucking sad right now how dare
you be sad how dare you feel anything other than fucking happy anything I said
about the way that I felt was complaining it was bitching it was
whining it was annoying I was a nuisance and I was not accommodated so when I
felt distress and I said it I was on my own to deal with it and I was told that
I was fucking annoying so what is a child gonna do when you respond to it
like that it’s gonna shut the fuck up it’s gonna stop talking you’re never
gonna know how that child feels because all you ever did was criticize it so the
way that I am is totally understandable and I understand it no shit because I
went through it but I have the compassion for myself to understand how
I got to the place that I’m at and why for so long it served me not to talk
about the way that I felt because it caused me more pain so if I’m already in
pain and I express to anyone around me hey I don’t feel good I’m in pain this
hurt me this whatever I’m not okay with this and their reaction caused me more
pain it’s safer to just shut up it’s less pain like to just shut up and deal
with it so what I wanted when I was younger was to avoid being in more pain
okay so not talking about anything allowed me to do that hiding the way I
truly felt allowed me to avoid being in more pain I am no longer in the place
where I was when this was beneficial so mentally I mean but now I want to feel
connected and close to people I want to be considered so given this new desire
that I have I have to change the way that I’ve been expressing myself which
is by not by not expressing myself I silently build resentment toward people
like a motherfucker like really bad and I didn’t realize how much resentment I
actually hold for so many people over so many little things I don’t know how to
explain myself because I do stand up for myself I don’t let no fuck shit fly but
there are little things that I let go and I air quote the shit out of let go
because I don’t let them go I just don’t voice that they bother me and then
I build resentment over it I need to give you an example so you can like put
this on the terms it’s like if you don’t want someone to use your hairbrush this
is a stupid fucking example but it will prove the point if I am at my house
getting ready and I have a hairbrush and for whatever reason I don’t like anyone
to use it like I just I have it for myself and that’s it I have a weird
fucking thing I don’t want anyone to use my hairbrush and my friend comes
over and asks oh my god can I use that hairbrush real quick before we go out
the old me would have just given them the hairbrush and pretended it was okay
I would just pretend I was fine with it and let them have it they would use it
and it would be fine and I would be pissed the fuck off inside so my friend
is gonna see nothing wrong with it because I pretended like I was okay with
it so next time we get ready to go out she might ask to use the hairbrush again
and I’m in my head gonna be like alright bitch I let you fucking use it once not
quit asking but I never expressed that but I’m gonna pretend to be okay with it
again so I’m gonna be like yeah fine use the hairbrush it’s okay so I’m just
gonna for the second time I’m gonna pretend like it’s fine and I’m gonna let
my friend use the hairbrush my friend thinks everything’s okay I’m secretly
building resentment like why the fuck are you still asking to use my hairbrush
so it’s gonna happen a third time it’s gonna happen a fourth time a fifth time
and it’s gonna keep going and I’m gonna keep building resentment until one day I
fucking pop something’s gonna piss me off enough where I pop and I unleash and
all the resentment I’ve been secretly building is gonna come out and I’m gonna
shame that friend for what the fuck they did and how they didn’t just guess the
way that I was feeling it sounds so obvious but this was happening in my
brain for so long and I didn’t realize like I was putting people in unfair
transactions they didn’t know that they were in it makes sense why I did it it
totally makes sense given my experiences and the way that I learned to handle
things and not express the way that I felt it makes sense but who I am now it
makes no fucking sense like to do that I see how detrimental it is and I see how
damaging that is and I see how you can never truly have a close relationship or
friendship with a person if you’re gonna do this but I’m gonna feel justified when
I pop on my friend about using my hairbrush when I finally do express that
I’m not comfortable with it it’s after I’ve already been pushed past the point
where I’m so fucking mad and I have so much resentment I’m ready to cut this
friend off for it like from my that friend’s perspective they think nothing’s
wrong with it they’re using the fucking hairbrush how were they supposed to know
I was upset I just pretended to be okay with it every single time so that friend
is gonna be completely blindsided and it’s not fair to them what I just did
for so long in my life I felt like I was justified and I felt like people just
don’t get it but like I said awakening and gaining awareness is fucking
uncomfortable and it’s painful because now I have to look back on all the
situations where I thought I was justified and see that I was actually a
fucking dick and I was putting people in unfair positions and then like
getting mad at them for it when they didn’t guess how I was feeling I don’t
do this anymore so given this analogy with the brush because it’s an easy one
say I was the friend that needed the brush if I had a friend that I went to
go use their brush and they were like okay look I know like this is fucking
weird but I don’t like people using my brush you can use it this one time but
like I’m weird about it and just know that them revealing the way that they
feel gives me the full opportunity to accommodate them to find a way for us to
both get what we want you know like if I know something’s gonna bother you I’m
gonna find a way not to do it but I wouldn’t know that I needed to
accommodate you or try to change something if you didn’t tell me how you
felt so next time I go to this friend’s house I’ll make sure to bring my own
brush or brush my hair before I leave the fucking house or I would buy a brush
and leave it at their place that I could use you know like there’s a way to
accommodate people but you have to express the way that you feel in order
to be accommodated it’s so fucking uncomfortable I hate telling people my
little weird quick like kinks and quirks and shit that bothers me because I have
that voice in the back of my head of how I used to be treated of like this is
fucking stupid like the way that you feel is annoying but I have to remind
myself it’s not and what I want is to feel considered by people and in order
to meet that goal there’s steps that I need to take there’s shit that I need to
take responsibility for which is speaking the fuck up which is giving
people the fair chance to know how I feel so that they can choose or not
choose to accommodate that if they care about how I feel they’ll do something
different and it’s not gonna be in an annoying way because if my friend came
to me like I said with the brush thing I would want to make sure I wasn’t
pissing them off and I wasn’t hurting them I would be happy to accommodate
that hiding how you feel about something is not nice it is not considerate like
some people think and I thought for a long time that I was like saving the
other person’s feelings like I was choosing to hide how I felt so it didn’t
hurt them that’s not the fucking case why would that hurt someone growing up
everyone around me took everything fucking personal I felt like I was
hurting people with the way that I felt because they had no fucking emotional
intelligence skills hiding that you’re uncomfortable is not sparing anyone’s
feelings it’s just making you suffer in silence like you think you’re being
justified and like being the good guy by shutting your mouth and just dealing
with something when you’re actually fucking any chance at having a good
relationship with this person so there’s one more layer with this that I
discovered that I shocked the shit out of myself with the whole building
resentment thing and not expressing the true way that you feel you’re suffering
in silence and when you suffer alone it’s worse human beings when you suffer
together you suffer less so that’s just a little fun fact for you to know but
when you hold in emotions emotions are energy if you hold in emotions and do
not express them they will rot your body I personally have experienced this I am
not gonna get into like personal detail the number one cause of acne that people
do not fucking understand is pent up emotions you are not letting things out
what’s happening in your internal world is also gonna reflect on your external
world if you have pent up emotions that you are not letting out that is energy
that is trapped in you it is gonna express itself so acne what is acne it
is a little ball of pus that builds until it expresses out of your skin
those pent-up emotions you’re holding in are the true cause behind your fucking
acne because someone like me I have used every fucking face scrub every
anything you can think to clear your skin up I have tried it and sometimes
acne just doesn’t fucking go away because there is an emotional cause
behind it I’m a big believer in that like it makes so much sense it makes so
much fucking sense with your body and since I’ve started expressing the way
that I feel truly like if something frustrates me expressing it and not
letting it build to resentment because resentment is not something you just get
it comes from repeatedly being pissed off and not expressing it or saying
anything about it you know like that’s resentment is just unresolved shit
happening over and over and you just hold it in and I experienced this
firsthand because like I said since I started expressing my emotions my acne
has cleared up and I’m talking in a matter of like days it’s fucking weird
it’s like magic because if what’s causing my acne is the emotions that are
building up as I express them verbally and get them out of me and feel them
it’s no longer trapped needing to come out of my skin and this goes for acne
anywhere like body acne face acne any kind of acne you got any kind of like
cyst boil anything that has like a build-up and an express look at that
look at what you’re holding in and look at what you need to express because your
body is trying to talk to you your body is trying to tell you to let it out
what’s happening internally is reflecting externally so pay the fuck
attention you can shut out your internal world you can stop paying
attention to it but you can’t ignore the physical you can’t ignore your external
world and that’s the way that your internal world is gonna communicate with
you it’s a mirror I don’t know how spiritual y’all get but I believe in
this shit I’m now living proof of it so if you’re someone like me that just
hides the way that they feel and has hid the way that you feel for most of your
fucking life it’s gonna be scary to start trying to express the way that you
actually feel it’s gonna be scary to show people the real you and hope that
they can handle it and hope that they’re nice and accommodating and care but I do
want to say that you will be shocked at how well people receive it and how
people actually do care how you feel because just flip it if you are with
your friend and they do something or say something that hurts you or bothers
you flip it in your head be like if I said something to my friend or did
something that bothered them would I want to know what I want them to tell me
and that’s gonna make you see that yes you owe that to them like any
relationship you have is like an unknown commitment to communicate especially a
romantic relationship when you commit to monogamy you commit to communication but
also you commit to communication kind of when you have any kind of relationship
like a friendship a partner a parent a child co-worker any relationship you
need communication and if you don’t communicate you’re fucked because like I
said if you’re pushed to the point where you’re like I don’t give a fuck if this
hurts the other person I’m letting it out when you get to that level it takes
you there to express it that’s not fair like I said and after you pop on that
person you’re done because the trust is gone this person will never feel safe
with you again because they know that you’re just gonna let shit like seem
like it’s okay and you’re really gonna be building resentment you’re a fucking
liar like I hate to say it but I was the same way I was a fucking liar for a long
time and I still be hiding the way I feel but this person is not gonna trust
you they will never feel comfortable around you and why would they because
you’re gonna pretend like shit’s okay and then freak out on them again later
so they’re gonna be walking on eggshells the entire time they’re around you are
you actually okay with shit are you not they’re gonna be left guessing and that
is the most draining thing to do that’s the worst position to be in is to try to
have to guess how people truly feel if they just pretend they’re okay with
everything that’s that’s a red fucking flag if someone pretends they’re okay
with everything and they never really talk about anything bad don’t trust that
motherfucker and I’m not saying only express things that are bad if you’re
gonna express the way you feel you need to express everything you need to
express when you’re happy too you need to express all the good feeling things
and the things that you do appreciate so that the people around you feel safe
because if you will express when things bother you people know that they can
trust when you say you like something they feel safe they don’t have to guess
what boundaries they’re accidentally stepping on because you won’t speak the
fuck up it’s so much better and it feels so much better to be around people that
will voice when they’re upset by something because you know when they’re
happy they’re actually happy because I know we’ve all experienced being next to
someone and you know they’re fucking pissed off but they’re pretending they’re
fine and you’re sitting there trying to guess what could have caused it how to
fix it what’s really going on and there’s that frustration you feel I hate
that I fucking hate that so I’m done being that to other people and like I
said if you express things when they’re small it’s not gonna turn into a fucking
fight and that’s one other thing is anytime when I was little I would
express how I felt it was a fight it was an argument like it was a full-fledged
like knockdown drag out fucking screaming match anytime you would
express the way that you felt so of course if you’re in the same boat of
course you’re scared to talk about the way that you feel you think that people
are gonna fight you on it you think it’s gonna become a big fucking deal so you’re
like oh I’ll just I just rather not deal with it but by not expressing the
way that you feel you’re gonna miss out on the people that care how you feel
because any of my friends that are listening to this right now I care how
you feel if something bothers you I want you to come to me I will never look at
the way that you feel and tell you you’re fucking stupid I will never tell
you that you’re annoying I will never act like you’re just complaining and
that the way that you feel is inconvenient I’m gonna listen I’m gonna
try to understand why you’re feeling the way that you feel it’s important to me I
want you to feel safe with me I want you to feel cared about I don’t care how
stupid it fucking sounds like the hairbrush thing if you have something
that does not make sense I still want to know I want to know how you feel I care
and if my friends just decide to never express that they’re gonna miss out on
me being there for them they’re gonna miss out on someone being there to
consider them and when I realized all this I realized it with myself too like
I’m missing out on the people that would actually be there for me by shutting my
mouth so if I want to be considered and I want to feel cared about I have to
speak the fuck up I have to face that and for the people that are inspired now
to talk about the way that they feel bitch I’m in the same boat it’s scary
it’s an everyday commitment and a choice that you have to make to continue to do
this but hiding the way that you feel and suffering and silence is not
virtuous it’s not good and it’s not actually protecting you I know it feels
like it is but it’s not and I’m speaking to myself when I say that too as I’m
speaking to you I do want to say I don’t care what religion you’re from I
just have one message you were not sent to this life to suffer I don’t care what
way you want to cut it I don’t give a fuck if you believe in karma or not you
were not sent to this life to suffer one other thing I want to point out is the
way that you’re feeling might also just be because of the way that you’re
looking at something you might be assuming something is the way that it is
and by talking to someone you’ll see that it actually isn’t like that so that
will take away the feeling that you’re feeling like last night I have to use an
example from my own life and I really hope that my friends are okay with this
but it explains this perfectly so last night me and two of my girlfriends were
at a club and we were dancing and I was dancing with one girl more than the
other because we was getting freaky we was like dancing like we was fucking you
know I’m gay but I very much still like affection I like to make out with girls
I like to have fun like a dance I like to do all the fun stuff so we’re like
going at it having a good time and me and my other friend have like a tighter
bond where we’re more like platonic we’ve never kissed we never we just we
respect each other’s like boundaries on that and I love our relationship but we
were all three together and we looked like a damn throuple because the other
two were like hanging out and like kiki as like the girls do you know but the
one girl was feeling alone and like left out which is totally understandable and
she was kind of like dancing on her own and doing her thing and like dancing
with other other people around us and she was like upset she was like getting
mad that we were like leaving her out and not really paying attention to her
so it started getting to the point like it was building in her and she got to
the point where she was like fuck this I’m leaving and like wanted to leave so
we left and after talking about it the entire time that me and the other girl
were dancing together was because we thought that the our other friend knew
the people she was dancing with like she’s a very independent girl but we
thought that she knew the people she was dancing with like so we were letting her
do her thing so the entire time she thought we were leaving her out and we
thought she was with people that she knew so we were letting her hang out
with them and we were just like like deal like hanging out with ourselves does
that make sense if she never told us she felt left out she would have thought we
were just intentionally ignoring her because her coming to us and saying this
is the way that I felt because of the way that she was seeing the experience
we were able to offer insight of what we were experiencing which showed it wasn’t
that at all which made us all feel better when you let people in on the way
that you’re feeling they could potentially offer you an answer that
will make your suffering end because she thought we were intentionally ignoring
ignoring her and just like doing our own thing and excluding her when that wasn’t
the case so when we finally talked about it everything was resolved like our
intention was not what she thought it was so it didn’t hurt her the way it did
I hope this is making sense because I think that’s a really good example to
use to explain what I’m talking about basically my point in all this is speak
up express how you feel I promise it will help you more than it hurts you
even if you gotta get into a few fucking fights and it’s got to show you some
people that you can’t go to then so be it just because one person responds
negatively to you and the way that you feel doesn’t mean that everybody will
and my final thought I need to add is a lot of people think that expressing your
emotions is pussy like it’s weak and it’s not it’s actually so much harder
and take so much more strength to voice the way that you feel and face people’s
reactions and consequences if there is any than it is to just shut up and
suffer alone because for me to shut up and just handle things on my own that’s
what I’m used to that’s what I’m good at I know how to do that that’s fucking
easy-peasy people think I’m courageous because I shut the fuck up and I don’t
express the way that I feel oh I’m tough stuff because I don’t have feelings I am
a fucking walking robot I don’t have feelings fuck those I’m not a fucking
pussy no bitch that’s the easy way out the actual thing that takes strength is
to voice how you feel so if somebody wants to come at you and say that you’re
being a fucking bitch or you’re weak for expressing that you’re upset let them
listen to this podcast and tell them to shut the fuck up while you’re at it I
don’t want no one being mean to my followers like I’m so protective anyone
that likes me I have like this weird protection over you guys I’m a very
protective person but now that I know you guys like me oh my god I’ve seen a
couple you guys at the bar and like I’m always like watching you after you come
up to me and you introduce yourself to me I’m watching out for you because if
you get in a fight bitch I’m right there I’m Albanian that’s how we are but I’m
like watching out for you once I know that we’re like cool and you like
follow me you know but yeah just let these closed off unable to express
they’re feeling motherfuckers that think it’s weak let them listen to this
podcast send it to them please with no caption with no nothing just send them
this podcast and let them shit their panties I really hope you guys like this
episode I hope you take something from it don’t forget to check out my app
positive focus and if you want to follow me on Instagram I will post my username
in the description of this also with the link to my app so as you could tell I
want you to fucking look at the app okay thank you for listening send me your
thoughts if you have any on Instagram I would love to hear them and I will talk
to you guys next Sunday