Aware & Aggravated - 8. Expressing You're Uncomfortable

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Hi friends, so in this episode I’m gonna get real vulnerable and I have to to

prove my point and one thing about me is I’m gonna prove my motherfucking point

no matter what I have to do so in this one I gotta expose some things about

myself and I do want to say if there is one episode of my podcast that you

listen to fully I hope it’s this one because I’m gonna share some awareness

that I’ve gained that I think could benefit every single human being in

existence I don’t mean to toot my own horn but this is a fucking good

realization I had another thing I’m excited to share is my fucking app is

live it’s finished all the updates are done the journal prompts are ready for

you to use them go do that shadow work bitch if you don’t know what I’m talking

about I have an app it’s called positive focus it was just positive notifications

like to your phone to shift your focus like haha you get the name positive

focus but I just added a whole section of like shadow work prompts and like

journaling prompts basically it’s just questions to ask yourself so you can

gain awareness and figure yourself out so if you want to check that out which I

really hope you do I will put the link in the description of this podcast but

also you can just go in the App Store and type in positive focus and it’s the

blue one with the eyeball so if you do check it out let me know what you think

I really want to know how you feel about it and I hope it helps you so at

the basic level this episode is gonna be about why you need to express the way

that you feel like the actual way that you feel good or bad why you need to

tell people and why you’re a fucking asshole if you don’t but we’re gonna

have to circle back to that as like in business terms circle back I make

myself laugh at the stupidest fucking shit so my entire life I have felt not

considered by people by friends by parents but people in relationships I’ve

been in literally I’ve I never feel considered I never feel like my feelings

matter people have always just treated me like I don’t have feelings and I’m

just supposed to be okay with shit and my entire childhood I was bullied really

bad like in an unrealistic way like it was fucking excessive the shit that

people would say and do to me you know as long as I can remember people have

fucking hated me people have treated me unfairly and treated me like I didn’t

have feelings and like I didn’t matter like I was never considered I’ve never

felt like a human being to other people I feel like this exception and this like

just fucking thing that people just disregard I’m just supposed to have

everything figured the fuck out that’s it like that’s basically it and I know I

sound like a whiny fucking bitch like I sound like a victim a little but it’s

the truth it’s how I fucking feel and I’m gonna take responsibility for my

contribution of that but just shut up and listen okay cuz we’re gonna get to

that don’t throw judgments yet this is a safe space I’m expressing how I feel

another thing is people have just always seemed to expect me to be okay with shit

that they would not be okay with like it’s all fun and games when I’m the one

getting hurt or I’m the one having to deal with something but as soon as it’s

flipped and they’re the one having to go through it oh no then I’m the fucking

asshole then I’m the heartless one then I’m the like the bad guy what that I

don’t fucking understand I’ve always been the outcast I’ve never felt like I

belonged I’ve never felt someone’s favorite someone has always liked

someone more than me and when I say everyone I say everyone for a reason

I’ve never been someone’s number one I’ve never been someone’s best friend

I’ve never been like the closest person to someone and that’ll fuck you up hi you

don’t turn out like me because you had a good fucking easy life you don’t have

the awareness that I have at 23 because you had a good fucking life take that in

for a second so with not feeling considered I went into that and I tried

to see where I was contributing you know like what the fuck is in my control that

will help me be considered and bitch when I tell you I open up a can of worms

I was not ready for because the way that I have been treated is partly my

fault because I act like everything’s fine I act like I have everything under

control I act like things don’t bother me so the way that people have treated

me for so long it’s kind of because I allow it I make it seem like that so I

basically realized I’m a fucking asshole because I don’t tell people the way I

actually feel like I will just let things happen and not express the true

way I feel about it like if something small happens I’ll just let it go and

build resentment silently which is so fucking bad and so detrimental to any

relationship you could have like that’s the worst thing you can fucking do and

I’m over here doing it so I realized in order for me to be considered I have to

present myself fully to people if someone does not know I’m upset how the

fuck are they gonna know to comfort me if someone doesn’t know that something

bothers me how are they supposed to know to change it if I act like I’m okay with

it how the fuck are they supposed to know to change it that’s not fair I’ve

been putting people in an unfair position for a very long time yes we can

get into the why the why is because every time I’ve expressed how I felt

growing up it was met with you’re annoying shut the fuck up why are you

complaining how ungrateful are you that you’re fucking sad right now how dare

you be sad how dare you feel anything other than fucking happy anything I said

about the way that I felt was complaining it was bitching it was

whining it was annoying I was a nuisance and I was not accommodated so when I

felt distress and I said it I was on my own to deal with it and I was told that

I was fucking annoying so what is a child gonna do when you respond to it

like that it’s gonna shut the fuck up it’s gonna stop talking you’re never

gonna know how that child feels because all you ever did was criticize it so the

way that I am is totally understandable and I understand it no shit because I

went through it but I have the compassion for myself to understand how

I got to the place that I’m at and why for so long it served me not to talk

about the way that I felt because it caused me more pain so if I’m already in

pain and I express to anyone around me hey I don’t feel good I’m in pain this

hurt me this whatever I’m not okay with this and their reaction caused me more

pain it’s safer to just shut up it’s less pain like to just shut up and deal

with it so what I wanted when I was younger was to avoid being in more pain

okay so not talking about anything allowed me to do that hiding the way I

truly felt allowed me to avoid being in more pain I am no longer in the place

where I was when this was beneficial so mentally I mean but now I want to feel

connected and close to people I want to be considered so given this new desire

that I have I have to change the way that I’ve been expressing myself which

is by not by not expressing myself I silently build resentment toward people

like a motherfucker like really bad and I didn’t realize how much resentment I

actually hold for so many people over so many little things I don’t know how to

explain myself because I do stand up for myself I don’t let no fuck shit fly but

there are little things that I let go and I air quote the shit out of let go

because I don’t let them go I just don’t voice that they bother me and then

I build resentment over it I need to give you an example so you can like put

this on the terms it’s like if you don’t want someone to use your hairbrush this

is a stupid fucking example but it will prove the point if I am at my house

getting ready and I have a hairbrush and for whatever reason I don’t like anyone

to use it like I just I have it for myself and that’s it I have a weird

fucking thing I don’t want anyone to use my hairbrush and my friend comes

over and asks oh my god can I use that hairbrush real quick before we go out

the old me would have just given them the hairbrush and pretended it was okay

I would just pretend I was fine with it and let them have it they would use it

and it would be fine and I would be pissed the fuck off inside so my friend

is gonna see nothing wrong with it because I pretended like I was okay with

it so next time we get ready to go out she might ask to use the hairbrush again

and I’m in my head gonna be like alright bitch I let you fucking use it once not

quit asking but I never expressed that but I’m gonna pretend to be okay with it

again so I’m gonna be like yeah fine use the hairbrush it’s okay so I’m just

gonna for the second time I’m gonna pretend like it’s fine and I’m gonna let

my friend use the hairbrush my friend thinks everything’s okay I’m secretly

building resentment like why the fuck are you still asking to use my hairbrush

so it’s gonna happen a third time it’s gonna happen a fourth time a fifth time

and it’s gonna keep going and I’m gonna keep building resentment until one day I

fucking pop something’s gonna piss me off enough where I pop and I unleash and

all the resentment I’ve been secretly building is gonna come out and I’m gonna

shame that friend for what the fuck they did and how they didn’t just guess the

way that I was feeling it sounds so obvious but this was happening in my

brain for so long and I didn’t realize like I was putting people in unfair

transactions they didn’t know that they were in it makes sense why I did it it

totally makes sense given my experiences and the way that I learned to handle

things and not express the way that I felt it makes sense but who I am now it

makes no fucking sense like to do that I see how detrimental it is and I see how

damaging that is and I see how you can never truly have a close relationship or

friendship with a person if you’re gonna do this but I’m gonna feel justified when

I pop on my friend about using my hairbrush when I finally do express that

I’m not comfortable with it it’s after I’ve already been pushed past the point

where I’m so fucking mad and I have so much resentment I’m ready to cut this

friend off for it like from my that friend’s perspective they think nothing’s

wrong with it they’re using the fucking hairbrush how were they supposed to know

I was upset I just pretended to be okay with it every single time so that friend

is gonna be completely blindsided and it’s not fair to them what I just did

for so long in my life I felt like I was justified and I felt like people just

don’t get it but like I said awakening and gaining awareness is fucking

uncomfortable and it’s painful because now I have to look back on all the

situations where I thought I was justified and see that I was actually a

fucking dick and I was putting people in unfair positions and then like

getting mad at them for it when they didn’t guess how I was feeling I don’t

do this anymore so given this analogy with the brush because it’s an easy one

say I was the friend that needed the brush if I had a friend that I went to

go use their brush and they were like okay look I know like this is fucking

weird but I don’t like people using my brush you can use it this one time but

like I’m weird about it and just know that them revealing the way that they

feel gives me the full opportunity to accommodate them to find a way for us to

both get what we want you know like if I know something’s gonna bother you I’m

gonna find a way not to do it but I wouldn’t know that I needed to

accommodate you or try to change something if you didn’t tell me how you

felt so next time I go to this friend’s house I’ll make sure to bring my own

brush or brush my hair before I leave the fucking house or I would buy a brush

and leave it at their place that I could use you know like there’s a way to

accommodate people but you have to express the way that you feel in order

to be accommodated it’s so fucking uncomfortable I hate telling people my

little weird quick like kinks and quirks and shit that bothers me because I have

that voice in the back of my head of how I used to be treated of like this is

fucking stupid like the way that you feel is annoying but I have to remind

myself it’s not and what I want is to feel considered by people and in order

to meet that goal there’s steps that I need to take there’s shit that I need to

take responsibility for which is speaking the fuck up which is giving

people the fair chance to know how I feel so that they can choose or not

choose to accommodate that if they care about how I feel they’ll do something

different and it’s not gonna be in an annoying way because if my friend came

to me like I said with the brush thing I would want to make sure I wasn’t

pissing them off and I wasn’t hurting them I would be happy to accommodate

that hiding how you feel about something is not nice it is not considerate like

some people think and I thought for a long time that I was like saving the

other person’s feelings like I was choosing to hide how I felt so it didn’t

hurt them that’s not the fucking case why would that hurt someone growing up

everyone around me took everything fucking personal I felt like I was

hurting people with the way that I felt because they had no fucking emotional

intelligence skills hiding that you’re uncomfortable is not sparing anyone’s

feelings it’s just making you suffer in silence like you think you’re being

justified and like being the good guy by shutting your mouth and just dealing

with something when you’re actually fucking any chance at having a good

relationship with this person so there’s one more layer with this that I

discovered that I shocked the shit out of myself with the whole building

resentment thing and not expressing the true way that you feel you’re suffering

in silence and when you suffer alone it’s worse human beings when you suffer

together you suffer less so that’s just a little fun fact for you to know but

when you hold in emotions emotions are energy if you hold in emotions and do

not express them they will rot your body I personally have experienced this I am

not gonna get into like personal detail the number one cause of acne that people

do not fucking understand is pent up emotions you are not letting things out

what’s happening in your internal world is also gonna reflect on your external

world if you have pent up emotions that you are not letting out that is energy

that is trapped in you it is gonna express itself so acne what is acne it

is a little ball of pus that builds until it expresses out of your skin

those pent-up emotions you’re holding in are the true cause behind your fucking

acne because someone like me I have used every fucking face scrub every

anything you can think to clear your skin up I have tried it and sometimes

acne just doesn’t fucking go away because there is an emotional cause

behind it I’m a big believer in that like it makes so much sense it makes so

much fucking sense with your body and since I’ve started expressing the way

that I feel truly like if something frustrates me expressing it and not

letting it build to resentment because resentment is not something you just get

it comes from repeatedly being pissed off and not expressing it or saying

anything about it you know like that’s resentment is just unresolved shit

happening over and over and you just hold it in and I experienced this

firsthand because like I said since I started expressing my emotions my acne

has cleared up and I’m talking in a matter of like days it’s fucking weird

it’s like magic because if what’s causing my acne is the emotions that are

building up as I express them verbally and get them out of me and feel them

it’s no longer trapped needing to come out of my skin and this goes for acne

anywhere like body acne face acne any kind of acne you got any kind of like

cyst boil anything that has like a build-up and an express look at that

look at what you’re holding in and look at what you need to express because your

body is trying to talk to you your body is trying to tell you to let it out

what’s happening internally is reflecting externally so pay the fuck

attention you can shut out your internal world you can stop paying

attention to it but you can’t ignore the physical you can’t ignore your external

world and that’s the way that your internal world is gonna communicate with

you it’s a mirror I don’t know how spiritual y’all get but I believe in

this shit I’m now living proof of it so if you’re someone like me that just

hides the way that they feel and has hid the way that you feel for most of your

fucking life it’s gonna be scary to start trying to express the way that you

actually feel it’s gonna be scary to show people the real you and hope that

they can handle it and hope that they’re nice and accommodating and care but I do

want to say that you will be shocked at how well people receive it and how

people actually do care how you feel because just flip it if you are with

your friend and they do something or say something that hurts you or bothers

you flip it in your head be like if I said something to my friend or did

something that bothered them would I want to know what I want them to tell me

and that’s gonna make you see that yes you owe that to them like any

relationship you have is like an unknown commitment to communicate especially a

romantic relationship when you commit to monogamy you commit to communication but

also you commit to communication kind of when you have any kind of relationship

like a friendship a partner a parent a child co-worker any relationship you

need communication and if you don’t communicate you’re fucked because like I

said if you’re pushed to the point where you’re like I don’t give a fuck if this

hurts the other person I’m letting it out when you get to that level it takes

you there to express it that’s not fair like I said and after you pop on that

person you’re done because the trust is gone this person will never feel safe

with you again because they know that you’re just gonna let shit like seem

like it’s okay and you’re really gonna be building resentment you’re a fucking

liar like I hate to say it but I was the same way I was a fucking liar for a long

time and I still be hiding the way I feel but this person is not gonna trust

you they will never feel comfortable around you and why would they because

you’re gonna pretend like shit’s okay and then freak out on them again later

so they’re gonna be walking on eggshells the entire time they’re around you are

you actually okay with shit are you not they’re gonna be left guessing and that

is the most draining thing to do that’s the worst position to be in is to try to

have to guess how people truly feel if they just pretend they’re okay with

everything that’s that’s a red fucking flag if someone pretends they’re okay

with everything and they never really talk about anything bad don’t trust that

motherfucker and I’m not saying only express things that are bad if you’re

gonna express the way you feel you need to express everything you need to

express when you’re happy too you need to express all the good feeling things

and the things that you do appreciate so that the people around you feel safe

because if you will express when things bother you people know that they can

trust when you say you like something they feel safe they don’t have to guess

what boundaries they’re accidentally stepping on because you won’t speak the

fuck up it’s so much better and it feels so much better to be around people that

will voice when they’re upset by something because you know when they’re

happy they’re actually happy because I know we’ve all experienced being next to

someone and you know they’re fucking pissed off but they’re pretending they’re

fine and you’re sitting there trying to guess what could have caused it how to

fix it what’s really going on and there’s that frustration you feel I hate

that I fucking hate that so I’m done being that to other people and like I

said if you express things when they’re small it’s not gonna turn into a fucking

fight and that’s one other thing is anytime when I was little I would

express how I felt it was a fight it was an argument like it was a full-fledged

like knockdown drag out fucking screaming match anytime you would

express the way that you felt so of course if you’re in the same boat of

course you’re scared to talk about the way that you feel you think that people

are gonna fight you on it you think it’s gonna become a big fucking deal so you’re

like oh I’ll just I just rather not deal with it but by not expressing the

way that you feel you’re gonna miss out on the people that care how you feel

because any of my friends that are listening to this right now I care how

you feel if something bothers you I want you to come to me I will never look at

the way that you feel and tell you you’re fucking stupid I will never tell

you that you’re annoying I will never act like you’re just complaining and

that the way that you feel is inconvenient I’m gonna listen I’m gonna

try to understand why you’re feeling the way that you feel it’s important to me I

want you to feel safe with me I want you to feel cared about I don’t care how

stupid it fucking sounds like the hairbrush thing if you have something

that does not make sense I still want to know I want to know how you feel I care

and if my friends just decide to never express that they’re gonna miss out on

me being there for them they’re gonna miss out on someone being there to

consider them and when I realized all this I realized it with myself too like

I’m missing out on the people that would actually be there for me by shutting my

mouth so if I want to be considered and I want to feel cared about I have to

speak the fuck up I have to face that and for the people that are inspired now

to talk about the way that they feel bitch I’m in the same boat it’s scary

it’s an everyday commitment and a choice that you have to make to continue to do

this but hiding the way that you feel and suffering and silence is not

virtuous it’s not good and it’s not actually protecting you I know it feels

like it is but it’s not and I’m speaking to myself when I say that too as I’m

speaking to you I do want to say I don’t care what religion you’re from I

just have one message you were not sent to this life to suffer I don’t care what

way you want to cut it I don’t give a fuck if you believe in karma or not you

were not sent to this life to suffer one other thing I want to point out is the

way that you’re feeling might also just be because of the way that you’re

looking at something you might be assuming something is the way that it is

and by talking to someone you’ll see that it actually isn’t like that so that

will take away the feeling that you’re feeling like last night I have to use an

example from my own life and I really hope that my friends are okay with this

but it explains this perfectly so last night me and two of my girlfriends were

at a club and we were dancing and I was dancing with one girl more than the

other because we was getting freaky we was like dancing like we was fucking you

know I’m gay but I very much still like affection I like to make out with girls

I like to have fun like a dance I like to do all the fun stuff so we’re like

going at it having a good time and me and my other friend have like a tighter

bond where we’re more like platonic we’ve never kissed we never we just we

respect each other’s like boundaries on that and I love our relationship but we

were all three together and we looked like a damn throuple because the other

two were like hanging out and like kiki as like the girls do you know but the

one girl was feeling alone and like left out which is totally understandable and

she was kind of like dancing on her own and doing her thing and like dancing

with other other people around us and she was like upset she was like getting

mad that we were like leaving her out and not really paying attention to her

so it started getting to the point like it was building in her and she got to

the point where she was like fuck this I’m leaving and like wanted to leave so

we left and after talking about it the entire time that me and the other girl

were dancing together was because we thought that the our other friend knew

the people she was dancing with like she’s a very independent girl but we

thought that she knew the people she was dancing with like so we were letting her

do her thing so the entire time she thought we were leaving her out and we

thought she was with people that she knew so we were letting her hang out

with them and we were just like like deal like hanging out with ourselves does

that make sense if she never told us she felt left out she would have thought we

were just intentionally ignoring her because her coming to us and saying this

is the way that I felt because of the way that she was seeing the experience

we were able to offer insight of what we were experiencing which showed it wasn’t

that at all which made us all feel better when you let people in on the way

that you’re feeling they could potentially offer you an answer that

will make your suffering end because she thought we were intentionally ignoring

ignoring her and just like doing our own thing and excluding her when that wasn’t

the case so when we finally talked about it everything was resolved like our

intention was not what she thought it was so it didn’t hurt her the way it did

I hope this is making sense because I think that’s a really good example to

use to explain what I’m talking about basically my point in all this is speak

up express how you feel I promise it will help you more than it hurts you

even if you gotta get into a few fucking fights and it’s got to show you some

people that you can’t go to then so be it just because one person responds

negatively to you and the way that you feel doesn’t mean that everybody will

and my final thought I need to add is a lot of people think that expressing your

emotions is pussy like it’s weak and it’s not it’s actually so much harder

and take so much more strength to voice the way that you feel and face people’s

reactions and consequences if there is any than it is to just shut up and

suffer alone because for me to shut up and just handle things on my own that’s

what I’m used to that’s what I’m good at I know how to do that that’s fucking

easy-peasy people think I’m courageous because I shut the fuck up and I don’t

express the way that I feel oh I’m tough stuff because I don’t have feelings I am

a fucking walking robot I don’t have feelings fuck those I’m not a fucking

pussy no bitch that’s the easy way out the actual thing that takes strength is

to voice how you feel so if somebody wants to come at you and say that you’re

being a fucking bitch or you’re weak for expressing that you’re upset let them

listen to this podcast and tell them to shut the fuck up while you’re at it I

don’t want no one being mean to my followers like I’m so protective anyone

that likes me I have like this weird protection over you guys I’m a very

protective person but now that I know you guys like me oh my god I’ve seen a

couple you guys at the bar and like I’m always like watching you after you come

up to me and you introduce yourself to me I’m watching out for you because if

you get in a fight bitch I’m right there I’m Albanian that’s how we are but I’m

like watching out for you once I know that we’re like cool and you like

follow me you know but yeah just let these closed off unable to express

they’re feeling motherfuckers that think it’s weak let them listen to this

podcast send it to them please with no caption with no nothing just send them

this podcast and let them shit their panties I really hope you guys like this

episode I hope you take something from it don’t forget to check out my app

positive focus and if you want to follow me on Instagram I will post my username

in the description of this also with the link to my app so as you could tell I

want you to fucking look at the app okay thank you for listening send me your

thoughts if you have any on Instagram I would love to hear them and I will talk

to you guys next Sunday