Aware & Aggravated - 9. Caring What People Think

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hello friends if I sound a little weird and a little fucked up it’s cuz I am I’m

sick but the show must go on so this week’s episode is gonna be about caring

what other people think of you so everyone says that you’re not supposed to

but I disagree I think you should care what people think of you and I’m not

being a smartass I promise like I’m about to get into this but it just seems

like every time we turn around it’s like everyone’s trying to figure out how to

not give a fuck how to stop caring but I’m here to deconstruct why you actually

should care and also why you actually cannot stop caring like you’re not able

to not care what people think of you it goes against everything you are as a

human being sorry sorry to burst a little bubble but you will never not care

what people think of you and that’s normal it’s fine but I’m gonna teach you

some things also in this episode of how to make that work in your favor okay

first things first so when I said you can’t not care what people think it’s the

truth and I’m about to deconstruct that real quick so human beings are

relationally dependent like our species we need each other to survive like you

need closeness with others to survive and your body is hardwired that way

cuz try and fight me bitch try and fight me on it look at a baby if you have a

newborn baby and you put it in the middle of a living room floor and you

just leave it there what’s gonna happen to it it’s gonna fucking die because it

can’t take care of itself you have to rely on other people to take care of you

you have to rely on other people for your survival so your body doesn’t

forget this like when you were a baby your nervous system was hardwired to

need other people because if you don’t have other people it means you die your

body doesn’t forget that you cannot unwire that we are relationally

dependent as fuck so your body’s kind of working against you when it comes to not

caring how people think because when you’re growing up if you don’t behave

correctly or if you do something wrong to make your parent not like you that

means they can withhold things you need so you’re pretty much trained to act

good and right and be a good little boy or be a good little girl so that you

don’t fucking die that’s the message your body gets so that alone explains

why you care so much what people think of you you shouldn’t beat yourself up

for it you shouldn’t get mad at yourself because you do care what people

think have some compassion like loosen the fucking reins a little bit loosen

the leash on yourself and quit getting mad at yourself that you care because

it’s totally normal and what’s funny is everything is different so what one

parent would see as an acceptable behavior another parent wouldn’t if you

look at different cultures it’s obvious like certain kids are allowed to do

certain things in one home but if they were in another home that shit would not

fly so everybody’s definition of what is good and right is just based off what

got them approval as a child and throughout their life and like their

upbringing so no one really knows what’s right and actually wrong everyone’s idea

of it is skewed and different so there is no one-size-fits-all for this is an

okay thing and this is a not okay thing and that goes for things you can control

like your behavior and your personality and things you can’t control like your

physical appearance and your body and attributes it goes both ways for either

of them so one person could judge it good and one person can judge it bad and

neither are wrong it’s just subjective to whoever is judging the situation but

yeah your body is hardwired to care what people think because your ego is trying

to keep you alive and it does that by staying close to people so if you have a

certain behavior or a certain thing about you that people have always told

you is bad or wrong you’re gonna cut off from that you’re gonna stop doing it

you’re gonna stop acting that certain way and if it’s something that you can’t

control or can’t change you’re just gonna try and hide it but you never knew

something was wrong about you or bad about you until someone told you it was

because when you come in this fucking earth as a baby you don’t know jack shit

you are taught what is acceptable and unacceptable and like I said everybody’s

version of what’s acceptable versus unacceptable is due to their own shit

you know what I mean like their own upbringing so no one really knows what’s

going on and I find comfort in that like no one really knows what the fuck is

going on and nothing about you is actually bad or wrong basically your

body works against you because when someone rejects you your fight-or-flight

mode will trigger like your body will have a full-fledged fucking reaction

like it’s a threat so when you wear a risky outfit or you wear something that

could potentially lead you to being rejected you’re gonna be anxious you’re

gonna be nervous that’s normal you’re not gonna fucking get away from that

like it’s just your body’s response to fear so since you can’t control that you

do care what people think about you what you can do is use it to your advantage

and use it as a compass and kind of like a guide to the people that you’re meant

to be around and also as a way to help you stay away from the people you’re not

meant to be around like if someone doesn’t like me I want to know you know

what I mean I care that they don’t like me because how I respond and what I

choose to do that’s a good piece of information to have so if I want to go

be friends with someone and I know that they don’t like gay people everyone’s

allowed to have a preference watch your fucking mouth okay you’re gonna be

polite and respectful but you’re allowed to have a preference if you don’t like

gay people that’s fine but I’m gonna know that and I’m gonna care that they

don’t like gay people so I’m gonna set the fuck away from them or I’m gonna

know if we do have any sort of interaction it’s gonna be superficial

and I should know not to try and go deeper with it because they’re not a

person that’s like a valid connection for me you need to care about people’s

preferences because if my goal is to make a friend that’s not the fucking

friend I should go try to make I need to go find people that are okay with gay

people but if I just ignored that and I tried to be friends with this person

it’s not gonna go well it’s gonna bite me in the ass and if I don’t take into

consideration people’s preferences I’m gonna set myself up to get my feelings

hurt so you need to be preventative you need to read the room you need

situational awareness that is basically the big phrase for read the room but

even a situation like that if I try to tell myself oh I don’t give a fuck he

doesn’t like gay people fuck him for what like why am I gonna go get pissed

off and get mad that you don’t like what I am who gives a shit you’re allowed to

have a preference the other great thing about looking at what people think and

how they think will kind of reveal a lot of shit about them because you can see

the way that they think about others the way they think about topics they way

they think about certain situations and that will reveal who they are as a

person and then you can judge that is this a person I want to be around do

they have an open mindset are they accepting are they loving are they

empathetic or are they the opposite because if they’re the opposite run for

the hills bitch use this inability to stop caring what people think flip it

and use it to make your life better so if you can’t stop caring what people

think use it to your advantage use the way that people think as an interview if

they should be your friend or not or a partner if you’re gonna get into a

relationship you need to care what people think and how they think because

it lets you in on how their brain works and the kind of person they are so when

it comes to freaking out over if people like you or not it comes to really not

trusting your own judgment so when someone criticizes you for something or

doesn’t like you you make it mean that they’re right let’s say I want to revamp

my style and I want to try dressing in a new way so I have a new little outfit on

I like the way that I feel in it when I look in the mirror at myself I like it I

think the outfit is cute I’m like yeah let’s go so when you’re wearing

something new you’re already gonna be a little like insecure in it it’s your

first time in it you’re not that comfortable so when you’re on the way to

go somewhere you’re already gonna be a little anxious that’s normal and then

when you get there if you’re in your new little like getup you’re gonna be a

little worried about how people respond to it you’re gonna be sensitive to

criticism more than usual when you’re uncomfortable and trying something new

so if you’re out and your friend tells you like what the fuck are you wearing

or if they said that they don’t like it or they criticize what you’re wearing in

any way no shit it’s gonna hurt your feelings no shit how I used to be was I

would trust other people’s judgments more than my own so if my friend said my

new outfit looked like shit or it looked weird I would immediately get insecure

and be like fuck oh my god I want to go change I want to go take it off and I

wish I didn’t fucking do this because right there in that moment when my

friend said that the outfit looked bad I believed it I threw away my opinion of

what I thought about the outfit because when I was at home and I looked in the

mirror I liked the outfit I thought I looked fucking good so when my friend

just said it looked like shit I immediately replaced my opinion with

theirs and I made it the truth and that is why I want to go fucking change so

bad I used to not be able to hold space for other people’s opinions I would take

them on and like make them more important than my own so if someone else

said my outfit looked like shit I believed it and something that really

helped me stop doing that is to remind myself that I have fucking eyeballs so

with this example go in the mirror if you like your outfit and you can see

physically that it looks good and you like it then it looks good I don’t know

what used to not click in my brain but I did not trust my judgment of myself over

others so if you remind yourself no I looked at myself in the mirror before I

left I liked my outfit I think it looks cute you can stand there in front of

your friend and not give a fuck what they think of your outfit because you

know it looks good you’re allowed to have different tastes and different

preferences I hope your friend is not telling you yo you look like fucking

shit I hope they’re nicer than that but when you do face criticism for something

that you like don’t just immediately throw away your opinion of it stop

yourself and remind yourself no this looks cute I like it you’re allowed to

like it even if other people don’t and honestly the most ill-dressed

motherfuckers are the ones that want to come to you about the way that you’re

dressed and I think that shit is funny but you don’t have to let that make you

feel less confident you like just remind yourself their opinion of what is

right and wrong and what looks good and what doesn’t is theirs that’s from their

upbringing from their experiences and their life we don’t have the same

definition of what is cool and what is not cool they’re not gonna like what I

like you’re allowed to be different but remember that you have fucking eyes you

know what looks good and you know what doesn’t don’t compare to what you see

and what everybody else is doing look at yourself by yourself in the fucking

mirror does it look good or does it not okay if you agree it looks good then

keep that all night when you’re in your new outfit or you’re in whatever you’re

wearing remind yourself I look fucking good anytime that insecure voice in the

back your head comes up or the fear of what are people thinking no I look good

it might not be what they’re used to but I look good and the same thing goes with

personality just because one person doesn’t like something doesn’t mean

everybody else will hate it because my personality is very in your fucking face

and very like outspoken and I swear a lot I swear a whole bunch because I like

to be casual and comfortable and other people don’t like that they don’t like

people with personalities like mine does that mean my personality is bad no it’s

just not for them some people were raised in a home where swearing was bad

wherever being relaxed and expressing how you truly feel and what you’re

thinking was bad so they’re gonna look at me like I’m bad because I don’t

behave the way that they do I’m not a fucking prude in the club standing there

with my drink not moving bitch I’m shaking ass I’m having fun I’m swearing

I’m taking shots I’m in a great time even if I am by myself having fun by

myself I still don’t give a fuck because I know that there’s people out there

that appreciate me you know just because they don’t I know there are other

people that do like my tick-tock is a reminder for me like I used to be so

fucking insecure so like cripplingly insecure and like to know that people

like me and for you guys that listen to my podcast you have no clue how much it

fucking means to me because my personality has always been received

weird and some people like it and some people fucking hate it there’s no in

between you love me or you hate me or you’re intimidated but we’re not gonna

talk about that but yeah I’m the prime example like there are some people that

fucking hate my guts just because I’m everything that they were taught was

wrong they can have like I said they can shut the fuck up and have their opinion

but they can have their opinion you know like they’re not gonna voice it to me

and expect me to be nice but they’re allowed to not like me so the thing that

will really wreck you and what wrecked me for a long fucking time was trying to

control people’s perception of me and the way that people looked at me or

thought of me because you can’t you cannot control the way that people see

you you can do things to influence it like the way you dress the way you act

the way you walk the shit that you do you can do a bunch of things to

influence it but you can never fully control the way that people perceive you

if someone just doesn’t like you sometimes there’s nothing you can do to

make them like you people don’t realize when you try to control how people see

you you’re gonna lose yourself you’re gonna completely fucking you lose

yourself because instead of being who you are and standing in that you’re

gonna be running around going fucking insane no I have to say this no I can’t

say this no I have to do this I have to do that oh my god no I can’t do that

because they’re gonna think this of me all you’re gonna do is run yourself

fucking stupid and I did it for so long like I had to run myself to a point of

exhaustion and complete frustration where anything I ever did never worked

to get people to like me or to look at me a certain way so now I’m at a point

where I got so frustrated I was like fuck it like fuck it fuck you in your

face I’m done like I’m done with the effort of trying to get people to see me

a certain way if you don’t see it you don’t see it your loss if you don’t like

me okay have fun I tried to fit so many different molds it never worked you can

just tell when someone’s trying to fit a certain mold you know like when they’re

trying to be a certain thing like these people that dress like these tick-tock

people I don’t even have to call them like the little tick-tock kids with the

pearl necklaces and the fucking Jordan ones and the shorts and like the baggy

cargo pants and the fucking oversized t-shirt the Bass Pro Shop hat I don’t

know why everyone’s wearing those fucking hats but you know that typical

style that everybody tries to do that’s for people with no identity the people

that follow the trends really heavily are the ones that are kind of trying to

fit the mold or they’re lost and they’re just a latching on to what is getting

people attention they’re latching on to what is like cool and what is getting

people approval you know if you look at someone like me I don’t dress like other

people I just like a fuckboy sometimes but I always have my own elements to my

style and I’ve tried I have spent so much money trying to dress like other

people I only wear black I have since I was in high school my whole family

usually just we all just do fucking all black all of our cars all black my cat

is black all my clothes everything I own is fucking black that’s just how we are

and I’ve tried so many times to wear color it makes me so fucking

uncomfortable and I just feel like you can tell it’s so forced like I’m

trying to like fit in and wear color and not look like a scary fucking

Albanian you know I mean like I feel like people can tell so I’ve really just

like grabbed myself by the nuts and be like look we’re gonna dress how we want

to fucking dress I’m gonna dress how I feel comfortable and that’s it I don’t

care if I look weird to other people this is what I feel comfortable in this

is what I like I’m not gonna wear no colored fucking shit because it looks

stupid on me it doesn’t fit my personality I got enough personality

okay I need all black to like chill me the fuck out because if I’m out in some

colors and I behave the way that I do that’s too much it’s too fucking much

and I’m tall please get real like that’s like it’s just not me I can’t do it and

you have no clue how many times people have tried to change that about me and

make me wear color and make me do all kind of shit like every once in a while

I’ll wear something with some color on it okay but majority of my shit is

always black but my point with that was like trying to fit a mold people can

tell when you’re faking it people can tell when you’re trying to be something

that you’re not and when you’re trying to like pretend to like something that

you don’t like like these tiktokers the people that dress like this shit and buy

everything off sheen my fucker we see through y’all like well I do the aware

ones to see through it you’re lost and that’s okay we all have to get to a

point where we’re fucking lost because I had to get there to find myself you can

never find yourself until you lose yourself so congrats you’re at the

pivotal point where you’re gonna completely lose yourself and get so

fucking frustrated that you come back to yourself so I’m happy for you it’s gonna

suck and it’s gonna be very fucking painful but big changes are coming for

everybody that’s in that stage but my thing about dressing in black and trying

to wear color it’s not for me I don’t like it so instead of trying to force

myself to like something that I know I don’t like I just allow myself to put my

energy into other shit because if I’m just sitting here constantly like

getting fucked up over what I have to wear and trying too hard to look a

certain way and dress a certain way like that’s energy I could be spending doing

shit that is more beneficial with my time I don’t care if people don’t like

my all black get up in my fucking Timberlands I don’t give a shit I like

it and I have this I don’t give a fuck attitude I think because I’ve spent so

much of my life isolated with no friends no people around me nothing to do that

I’m not scared to lose people I prefer to be by myself I love my alone time if

I spend too much time around people I start freaking the fuck out cuz I need

to get back to like myself I need to go spend time alone you know but my ability

to just say fuck it I’m gonna wear what I want to wear and be who I am is not

something that you can just go to the store and buy it’s not something that

you just have or don’t have it’s something that’s built like I said I got

to a point that I was so frustrated and overwhelmed and like pissed off that I

couldn’t do anything right it seemed that I just threw my hands up and said

fuck it I’m gonna do what’s easier for me and that’s be myself and my whole

thing about not being scared to lose people I am like I am so scared of

losing people and abandonment but I’ve spent so much time alone like I said

that I have no problem with it like once I get over the sadness of like oh I lost

you once I get over that disappointment I’m fine I know how to sit by myself and

I know how to be by myself and have no one but that’s also something that is

built and learned and earned that is not something that you just have and it’s

not fucking easy that is one of the hardest things you will ever go through

if you ever have to go through that and if you have been through that I’m sorry

because I understand it exactly but isolation is like fucking torture

because like I said we’re meant to be around people we’re meant to be

connected to people that’s just the discomfort that I have the skill of

dealing with now I don’t like to deal with it I don’t want to fucking be

alone I’m so scared to be abandoned like I’ll own that shit if I can get my

hands on you I will beat the fuck out of you if you abandon me but I’m terrified

of that shit everybody is and being alone it’s not that it’s comfortable and

it’s easy but I can deal with it that’s a pain I’ve got a tolerance to now I can

deal with that whereas someone who’s been surrounded by people their whole

life is gonna be a lot more scared to lose people because they don’t know how

to exist without them a lot of people’s identities are who they hang out with

and the friend groups that they have and that’s not a bad thing but that

definitely will contribute to people being scared to express their true self

because of being a certain way has gotten you accepted your entire life and

you’ve just been putting on a show and you know that’s not the real you when

you do reveal the real you of course you’re scared you don’t know if that

version of you is accepted or not you know the facade is that you’ve been

putting on this mask you’ve been hiding behind everybody accepts that everybody’s

fine with that that got you closeness but the real you behind that you’re

scared shitless because you don’t know if people will like that one the true

you you haven’t showed it to anybody but I do need to talk about the bravery that

it takes to be the real you and there’s also a hidden positive that comes from

it because if you keep hiding behind who you really are because you’re scared

of what people think that’s all your life is ever gonna be the only way to

find people that are gonna accept you for you is to show them the real you

because how are people supposed to know who you are how are people supposed to

be able to accept you if you don’t show yourself to them you’re never gonna find

the people that you actually will connect with and I will actually love

you deeply for who you truly are if you never put yourself out there and I think

there’s a little bit of relief that comes with that because like with my

tik-tok I’ve got like 90 something thousand people that like me what the

fuck they liked me enough to follow me and if I never took the chance to be

myself I would have never found these 90,000 people do you know how many

people that is I bitch I was lucky if like a hundred people liked me but 90,000

that shit makes me anxious is thinking about it but my point is and I wouldn’t

have found these people I wouldn’t have known that I was actually lovable and

likable being the way that I am until I was the way that I am you have to take

the fucking chance of showing yourself to the world to find the people that

truly are meant to be with you and to be around you if you keep playing it safe

you’re only gonna have a mediocre life and I know not everyone can be special

like some people have to be average some people have to live a normal average

fucking life I’m not gonna choose to be one of them that don’t sit right with me

but if you keep playing it safe you’re committing to me an average so have fun

with that I do want to slam this fucking point into everybody’s head that

just because someone doesn’t approve of something doesn’t mean that it’s bad it

doesn’t mean that you’re wrong it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with

you because just like there is someone that disapproves of it there is someone

that approves of it think about fucking furries like these weirdos that dress up

let me let me stop let me be nice these people these individuals that dress up

in these fucking fur costumes and fuck each other like huh what the fuck y’all

got going on but think about it like the first furry or the first person that was

into that didn’t know anybody else was into that and then they started finding

each other but the only way to find another furry is to tell people you’re a

fucking furry you know you’re never gonna know that people will accept it

until you share it and there will be because if there is motherfuckers that

are into scat if you don’t know what that is that’s where you’re having sex

and people shit on each other and they play with shit if there’s people that

are accepting of that I don’t mean to kink shame but yeah I do that’s fucking

weird if there are people that are accepting of playing with each other’s

shit while they have sex there is someone that will approve of you and

your new little outfit and there is someone that will approve of you and

your true sexuality and whatever weird little quirky fucking thing that you’re

scared to share people are ready and waiting to accept you you just have to

show them you but just remember that anytime you’re scared of being rejected

know that there is people that accept each other and play in their shit

together and there’s people that accept each other and fuck as mascots and like

furry costume that should make you feel better but perfect example I’m sitting

here like yo this shit is fucking weird because that’s my opinion but what does

that matter to those people they’re still gonna do what they want to do and

they should if they like eating each other’s shit let them go do it I’m

trying to be serious and prove my point but this is just a topic that’s funny if

they like to do that let them go do that what does my opinion matter what do I

expect like do I expect them to not do what they enjoy doing just because I

don’t like it who the fuck am I if you like to go play with each other in fur

costumes go do it like for them to let my opinion of that stop them from doing

what makes them happy that’s stupid as long as you don’t try to shit on me

we’re fine if you want to go do it the whole scat thing just don’t get it near

me I don’t want to see it I don’t want to smell it but go do it go have your

fucking fun go live your life go do what makes you happy and it doesn’t matter if

people agree with it or not why should that stop you look at the perspective

from the furry for a second if I’m someone that likes to go dress up in

these costumes and go have sex with other furries I can sit here and

suppress the urge to want to do it so that other people will like me or I can

fully step into that community and I can go be a fucking furry and I can go find

furry friends and we can have a whole little community I will find people that

accept me fully and I go for it versus just sitting here living a life where

I’m unhappy I don’t feel understood by people I’m constantly hiding a part of

myself to the people that are around me it’s just a toss-up of like what life do

you want to live there was a boy at a club that I was at like a week ago he

was a twink like he was a little he had like longish hair to his shoulders and

he wasn’t like to sissy it up where he was like makeup and shit but he had like

a little crop top on he was like doing his little thing and he was having a

fucking blast and if you look at someone like me in the club how I be dressed I’m

gonna snap back in a gold chain like a fucking douchebag you don’t know that

I’m gay because I make out with my girlfriends too but you would never

assume that I would be like silently rooting for him and I’m so happy that he

is being his fucking self on the dance floor like we were dancing like near

each other and I just like kept watching out for him because I’m very protective

of people anytime I see a Muslim or a gay guy or anyone that’s like small I’m

instantly like protective to the max because I’ll be damned if you’re gonna

yell at some fucking woman because she’s wearing a hijab I will fuck your

shit up I will put my gun in your mouth and make you suck it like a dick I don’t

play that shit and like this boy was dancing to doing his thing and I live in

a town that’s kind of close to Alabama so there’s a lot of hicks there’s a lot

of asleep motherfuckers and judgmental people and fucking anti-gay people so I

was looking out for this boy like if someone comes up to him I’m fucking

their shit up you know what I mean but my point is you never know who is

silently rooting for you you only ever hear the negative voice in the back of

your head but you don’t know who’s really proud of you for stepping out in

that weird outfit or being yourself dancing on the dance floor wearing your

crop top but when I was leaving this boy and his little girlfriends were like

walking by so I leaned over and I tell him on a shoulder and I was like yo I

love you and I just kept walking to just let him know like I’m proud of you like

I’m I’m so happy for people when they express their true self but my whole

point behind that was I don’t look like someone that would I look like a

judgmental fucking douchebag when I go out you’d never know that I’m actually

aware and like with it mentally my last point I want to bring up is remember

when I said if you are wearing your new outfit and you looked at it in the

mirror and you thought it was cute and then your friend said it looked like

shit just please remember that other people’s opinions do not discredit yours

like if you went in the mirror and you saw your outfit and you liked it and you

thought it was cute then it’s cute just because someone doesn’t like it it

doesn’t mean that they’re right it does not discredit your fucking vision if you

have eyes you can see that you look cute so if someone says you’re ugly you can

like laugh and be like bitch like where because you know what you look like you

can trust your own judgment you can trust what you see with your own

fucking eyes that’s all I’ve got for this episode I hope this helped and I

hope you see things from a different perspective now and I hope you give a

little less of a fuck or you feel inspired to be yourself but remember

don’t get mad at yourself for giving a fuck if you do it’s normal your body is

wired that way if you like this episode leave it a 5-star rating whatever you’re

listening to it on Spotify Apple podcast whatever it is leave me a little

five stars please but if you’re not gonna leave me five stars don’t leave

fucking shit cuz I don’t want no one star ruining my fucking day okay thank

you for listening I love you all be your damn self and I will talk to you next

Sunday