Aware & Aggravated - 15. How To Actually Feel Lovable

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Hi friends, I’m back

Pastor Leo had to take a little trip. I took two trips. Actually. I went to Texas to go see my family

And then I went to TNC. I took my sale to fucking hick ass

Tennessee y’all and it was shit. Okay, Nashville. Don’t go Nashville is not fun

It’s not the fucking vibe but Texas bitch College Station. I want to go see my family. It’s always a blast. It’s always

So much fine

I had the best time but American Airlines dicked me the fuck around and that’s why I couldn’t put out a podcast episode


They kept canceling and changing my flights

So the day I was supposed to come home and record a podcast and then edit it and upload it to schedule it

American Airlines canceled my fucking flight. So I lost that whole day at home

Between my next trip like I literally got home and went to the next trip

I didn’t even get a chance to fucking play with my dick

I didn’t even get a chance to fiddle my ditto. I didn’t have time to fucking breathe barely

So, I’m sorry. I had no podcast episode

American Airlines can suck a fat one because they hurt my feelings one too many fucking times when my flight changes like y’all piss me

the fuck off and I tried to call and like bitch at them and

They hung up on me

So they just gave me the finger right the fuck back. So I’m done flying with American American. Fuck you

I will never fly with you again. So whatever my Texas trip was a blast

But the flights were fucked and then we went to Nashville, bro. We went for two concerts me and my friends

We went for LS dream and hippie sabotage and bitch. Those two concerts were so good. I

Was expecting it to be like mediocre to be like not that fun

I was more just going to be with my friends and hang out with them

I wasn’t really going for the concerts because I don’t know much of LS dreams music

I don’t know much of hippie sabotage is new music

I know some of the old shit, but I did not think it was gonna be fine. It was fine. It was very much fun

Like the concerts were so much better than I could have imagined

10 out of 10

But then going out in Nashville like we like went so we could stay the weekend and then go out because everybody hypes up

Nashville’s like a party town. So I’m like, yeah, let’s go the fuck out. Let’s go Jersey Shore this ho

No, that’s not the vibe of Nashville. Nashville is not the vibe

It’s fucking ghetto my friend’s car got broken into at our Airbnb. We stayed at a nice Airbnb, but

Nashville is just fucking ghetto is shit. Like I don’t know why people hype it up. I didn’t like it

It’s too honky-tonk at the bars. Like let me set the scene for you

So when you go to the bars on

Broadway every every bar is like five floors and there’s a thousand fucking flights of stairs and I wish I was being dramatic

Girl, you will be huffing and puffing like you’re on the fucking Stairmaster when you try to go to the bar

It’s not fun. You’re gonna sober up in the stairwell. You’re not even gonna be fucked up anymore

You’re gonna breathe out your alcohol. You’re gonna go in debt trying to get drunk again like, uh, anyway

The first couple floors of all the bars is like honky-tonk yeehaw shit, which is expected

It’s Nashville, but no one is having fun. They’re just standing around with a beer in their hand fucking just being hicks

Like they just stand around so I’m like no we go to the top floor because most of the bars have a rooftop and bitch

It’s like EDM house music and me and my friend group when we got up there

We were like finally we can fucking live a little we get to fucking dancing. My friend gets on the table

We’re having a fucking blast and then I realized

We the only ones dancing

Like there’s a ton of people on the rooftop bar

But it’s the type people that are just there to look hot like they just want to look cute. They’re not dancing

They’re not having fun

They’re just standing there with their fucking drink like a dick just like bopping their heads in the music and like we’re fucking throwing down

We’re like sweating. We’re having a fucking blast like when you see the cast of Jersey Shore go out on the TV show

That’s how we behave when we go out. I like to get ugly. That’s how I was raised

I was raised watching that show. So that is my expectation for going to the club

It’s gonna be a good fucking time every time and that is very much not the vibe of

Nashville like everybody on the rooftop. The music is really good. But the people are not fine

So they just be watching you they just watch you dance like a fool and I don’t like that and it wasn’t just like we

Tried one bar. We tried multiple but she’s just not the vibe. She not fine. I don’t like Nashville

I met a couple of my followers from tik-tok and I asked them because they were locals

I asked them where like the good bars and they told us a few that weren’t on

Broadway because we did not like Broadway the little strip of bars. It’s shit

No to touristy not the vibe honky-tonk not for me and like people passed out on the side of the fucking road because they’re too

drunk like please

So we go to the local bars

We try the other ones that my followers told me about and they were a little more fun

Like I’m gonna be honest

They were a little more fun, but they still were just like not doing it for me

I dig it on the stripper pole and climb up to the top and then slide down like them strippers do but it just wasn’t fine

Like the vibe was just not there. I

Did have fun the second night we went out, but I

Would just pass on Nashville if anyone tries to get you to go, babe

Don’t don’t go for the nightlife. Don’t go thinking it’s fun

Go for the nature and shit go play with a cow go fucking hike

I don’t know. Don’t go to go out because it’s not fun

If you like me, that means you party like me. You’re not gonna like it. Hey, we want them the same

Let me save you some money. Don’t go

The only thing that saved my trip was I liked the people I was with so if you do go

Take people you like because I had fun with my friends. I enjoyed being around my little group and

That was there because everything else was fucking moot

Okay, so my trips were fun and cutesy but I need to tell you my realization I had and the realization like hasn’t stopped

Happening since it started in Texas and I’m gonna make sense of it

Just holds on but anyone that listens to this podcast bro

Like this is what you need to pay attention to and this is something that’s gonna help every single person

It’s made me cry too many times. I’m sick of it. Y’all I don’t cry a lot

I joke about crying a lot, but this one has like made me cry a couple a few times. Maybe


so my first realization a

Way that I’ve started to see things about me that are lovable and why people would love them

Basically that I’m worth being loved and I’m gonna give you a few examples of this

I’m gonna have to go really around the bush, but I’m gonna bring it back

So when I was in Texas, my cousin Anissa is dating this boy like Kiki, I don’t know what they’re doing

I don’t know if they’re a thing or they’re dating or not dating, but they boot up

Okay, she’s like boot up with this boy named Christian and it was my first time meeting Christian and we had a blast together

like we

Got along so fucking well, I’ve never really like

Gotten along with someone instantly like a guy I don’t get along with guys usually but like me and him instantly just clicked

We was like friends as fuck

Like we was very much bros

Like I felt like he was like a brother to me because of how he treated me. So when we would go to the bar

he was so conscious of

Me like the way that I am to other people

He would wait for me like if I was in the bathroom

He would wait for me before he went back to everybody else if I was going somewhere. He would check on me

He would like be checking on me just to make sure I’m doing. Okay, he would never leave me alone

he would never like wander off like he would always just make sure I was considered and with everyone and


haven’t really

Had that before like people do that to me

Occasionally, but I’m always the one that’s like looking out for everybody else

I’m always like the protector of the guard or the fucking you know, but for him to do it to me, bro

like it was so fucking just like eye-opening and we got into a couple of like

Tiffy’s not really Tiffy’s but like anytime that there was a potential problem going on. He was right there like had my fucking back. I

Felt protected like that’s weird for me because I’m the one that protects everybody

Usually like I’m always the protector

But he just had my fucking back and like he was he cared about me. He like worried about me

He wanted to make sure I wasn’t left alone

Like when we would go walking in somewhere

It’s like I usually hold the door for everybody and they walk in but he would hold the door and make sure I got in

Like there was just so many little things he would do that made me feel so

cared about and like considered and I felt important and it felt so fucking nice and

I haven’t like experienced that

Before to that extent like there’s people in my life that do these things for me

But like my first time meeting someone and he was just he was everything that I do to other people and it shocked the shit

out of me because I realized

The way that Christian made me feel is the way that I make other people feel and I started bawling my fucking

Eyes out when I realized this because I was like, bro

it’s like I met a little version of myself and it’s like I got to see myself and

experience myself for the first time and

Like I can’t explain to you how good it felt to like

See myself. I don’t know how to explain this y’all

I’m just gonna have to like go off the fucking seat of my pants, but I got to feel how I make other people feel and

It was so nice and it just made me so happy

Because if I make people feel the way that he made me feel

Like I see that I’m so much more important than I thought I’m so much more valuable than I thought I’m so much more like


than I thought but I saw myself for the first time it was just through him and

That was the realization. I can finally see the things about me that are lovable and I could see why someone

Would love me and it’s because the way that I make them feel like that’s

Totally worth loving because like Christian the way that I feel toward him

To imagine someone feeling that way towards me and like seeing the reason that they could feel that way towards me

There’s no denying it

Like I can’t keep telling myself that I’m unlovable and I’m fucked up and I’m all this and that and like why would someone love

me when I can feel it so

Paying attention to this is like completely changing everything for me and it’s changing the way that I see myself and the way I feel

About myself because now I feel valuable now

I see how people are attached to me now

I can see the value that I contribute to people out of just being who I am and the way that I make others

Feel around me if this is like some next-level fucking shit

Like I said the realization kept going that was in Texas and then in

Nashville I was with my friend cat like she was one of the people that was with the group of mine and

when our other friends car got broken into it was like 3 in the morning and

We go busting down the fucking stairs like running outside

I go grab a knife and I’m ready to gut this motherfucker

Like I’m running out the front door and cat was right there next to me

Like she came running right out the fucking door with me. Like I was in my underwear. Yo, it’s like 3 30 in the morning

it’s freezing fucking cold in Nashville teeny-tee and I come running the fuck out the house and cat is right next to me and

I can’t describe to you


good it felt to have someone like

Be by my side like that

Like I just met cat a few months ago and like this bitch was ready to fucking go with me at any

Second like bitch had my back like we were both kind of like what the fuck is going on

Like she was scared and I was a little like panicked but I’m used to that

I am able to handle shit like this. Like that’s kind of like my forte

It’s like when something goes down Leo handles it, but I still get scared too

And I know she was scared

But to have her like run out next to me and like be by my side during that

I can’t explain to you how good that fucking felt

Like her being there for me and was like right we didn’t know what the fuck we were running into

But like she was there with me to go through it and

It’s different when it’s a friend because I have my family like my family is the same as me

We will all run the fuck out in the middle of anything with each other

We got each other’s back

but like in that moment like cat had my fucking back like my family does and I have my friend Genevieve and summer and the

Other same way like those two bitches are fucking crazy and my family in Houston

Like that’s an established like we all just know that like we all just got each other like that

But yo like cat surprised the fuck out of me

The way that cat made me feel like she had my back is how I make everybody else feel

Like cat felt the same way about me in that moment

Like she was scared and I was there for her just like I was kind of scared and she was there for me

I saw myself again of how I’m protective and I make people feel safe

And I make people feel like I have their back and how that is a feeling that you can give someone that can never be

Repaid like people would pay money for that shit, but you can’t like that’s something you can’t get

Like you just have it or you don’t like people just have your back or they don’t they can’t give you that sense of safety

and security

So like I saw myself again

Through cat like the way that she had my fucking back and it like bonded me to her so much more than she even knows

And when she listens to this like oh my god, hey, bitch

Like I love you so much. I

Have a couple more examples

But when you go out in your life

I want y’all to start fucking looking for

The way that other people make you feel that you like and then be like is that something I do because I have that you

Don’t I mean like look for yourself in others and experience the way that you make other people feel because once you feel


Yo, there’s no better feeling. I can’t describe it to you

You’re just gonna have to do it and like once you have this realization

It’s never gonna stop and you are gonna develop a new like appreciation for yourself

I can’t tell it’s better than fucking jerking off. It is better than fucking drugs and trust me. I know

So another example from Nashville is my other friend Kate so first was cat now we got Kate

When we were at the concerts

Kate would randomly

Turn around and hold my hand or like reach out to me and

Just hold my hand for a second and like would look at me and I can’t explain to you how

fucking important

That is and how much I love that like it makes my fucking broken little heart

So happy because it’s like she’s checking on me and thinking of me

Like she randomly would just like check on me throughout the concert

Like and just make sure I’m okay

she would think of me and like her reaching out her hand was like showing that she’s thinking of me like hi and

We don’t speak. We didn’t say nothing

She would just like hold my hand for a second and we would just like beat bop and have a good time

Like it was a positive thing. It wasn’t like I was sad and she was holding my hand

It was like we’re both having fun. She just grabs my hand and we like vibe for a second together. I

experienced myself in that too because the way that I think of other people and

The way that I like check on others and I try to make sure everybody’s okay

she did that to me and I felt myself again like how good it feels to be checked on I

Do that to others and I make others feel the exact same way like bro

There it’s the little things I swear

it’s like the big things where it’s like you’re running out with me ready to fucking fight everybody or

You’re just like holding my hand and like letting me know you think of me like there’s so many little things

That I do that are so much more important that I don’t even realize

And these are the things about me that make me lovable and make me worth being loved

Like how could you not love someone that has these traits?

And it’s not even like I have to earn people’s love and like I’m forcing these traits

Like these are just traits that I have like I’m just a naturally

Considerate person like I just think of others

I’m aware of the way other people are feeling like I just consider them. That’s just a part of me. It’s part of my character

It’s who I am

the way that I’m loyal the way that I’m

Protective the way that I think of everybody the way that I can read a fucking room and I have situational awareness the way that

I care for people

just the way that I have a

Genuine interest and what people are saying and that I want to make sure they feel special and feel like they’re heard I try

To understand people before I judge them

You know, like just these little traits about me that I’ve overlooked for so long. That’s all the lovable shit

So all the things about you that you’re overlooking is all the reasons that you’re lovable. So if you don’t feel lovable

Stop overlooking shit. You’re overlooking all of the reasons why people will love you and why people do love you

You’re the only one that doesn’t see it and I’m talking to myself when I say this, too

You’re the only one that thinks you’re unlovable

Like you can’t fathom why someone would love you and that’s why you feel the way that you do sometimes

But as soon as you start to see it

You’re gonna start feeling worthy of love and you’re gonna have to start treating yourself a lot better because how can someone that’s worthy?

Of love be treated so bad by their self

This is like some life-changing shit, and I know I’m just like throwing it out there. But here it is

It’s different to logically

Like understand, okay, I do this this and that and this is why I should be valuable to other people

It is so much different when you feel it like logic and reason is one thing

But when you feel something it’s totally fucking different

So I’m dead ass like start looking for the shit that you do for other people and then feel it like when they do it

Back or someone does it to you sit in it for a second sit in it and enjoy that feeling and then remind yourself

This is how I make other people feel

Another example of something like this is my sister and my mom

So they’re like my voice of reason when I’m freaking the fuck out

When I’m in a high

Emotional like disarray and I’m like freaking the fuck out or I’m like panicking or I’m upset

I’ll call either of them and they’re always like my voice of reason like they’re my logic

It’s like the situation depends of like who I’m gonna call it’s just random

But I know that when I’m really upset or I’m really fucking mad or I’m scared and I don’t know what to do

I can call them and I can trust their judgment like they’re they have my best interest at heart

they’re not gonna tell me something bad and

they’re gonna be able to think logically when I can’t and they’re gonna remind me of things and

Guide me in the right direction. And when you are in a super emotional place

That person that you can call is so much more important than you realize so I realized with my mom and my sister

Like the way that I can call them is the way that they call me because when they’re upset about something

They call me and I’m their voice of reason so I saw myself again like and I felt myself for the first time

Through them of how I make them feel and how I’m like that safety net for them where when you’re upset

you have somewhere to go because there’s been a lot of times where I’ve been really really upset or really really scared and had

Nowhere to go and no one to turn to but myself and I can’t explain to you

how good it feels to actually have someone there to kind of like comfort you when you’re upset or

Be your voice of reason or just someone to be there to fucking give you a new opinion or a new perspective or like hey

Help me see the situation different cuz I’m fucking pissed, you know

But I am that like just like they’re that for me

I’m not for them and you listening to this podcast you you you’re that for somebody else. I

Kind of want to make this podcast episode really fucking long because I have two more realizations that I can go into

But I don’t know if I should save one for

Another episode and make it its own episode or not

No, fuck it. We’re just gonna throw it in this one cuz I owe y’all from last week

Like we just need a long podcast. So I had a realization about traveling and

it’s about

Getting new ideas and getting into new frequencies

So where you live now and where you spend your daily life or like most of your life, it’s the same vibrations

It’s the same shit. And if you notice you’re like thinking

The same way in the same thoughts and you’re seeing the same perspectives

There’s not much to trigger you to see anything new. So like when you travel

Different locations hold different frequencies and

Different frequencies are gonna give you different thoughts and different ideas

so if you want to think in a new way or you want to have a new idea get the fuck out of where you’re

at and I’m not talking like


Hours and hours away or spend thousands of dollars to go travel somewhere like just drive an hour away from where you live

Go see something different go feel something different go get in different frequencies get in different vibrations get in different shit

Because it will automatically start shifting your thoughts. You don’t have to do anything

It will just start changing by itself because you’re gonna be a match to different


Because you’re in a new fucking frequency

I know this is kind of spiritual and it’s a little bit out there

But I promise like it’s the fucking truth like your brain is just gonna automatically

Start working differently if you’re in a different location

It makes so much sense because in science class you learned everything fucking vibrates solid liquids and gases

You know the little particles and it would like show that it moves like in a solid it moves a little bit slower

But in a gas the like particles or the atoms

I don’t know what the fuck it was like move really really fast in the gas

everything vibrates

Everything and so do thoughts and emotions like they are all energy too. They all vibrate

So by switching the frequency or the vibration that you’re in

Everything’s gonna switch all of the vibrations in your body are gonna be matches to different things

so your thought process is automatically gonna be one of those and

I realize it’s about traveling because every time I travel I have some like life-changing fucking revelation or

I’ll get a new idea for something or I’ll see a new perspective on something. I wasn’t seeing before and

It’s because I’m out of what I know it’s I’m out of the perspectives

I’m used to I’m out of the way. I’ve usually been thinking like it’s not a coincidence. It’s not an accident

It’s fucking real. But anytime I have a problem like I’ve always just been drawn to

Driving somewhere or going somewhere even if I just go to the beach

Which is like 25 minutes away from me or I go downtown and I go walk around

I do like just random-ass shit

Like every time I have a problem or I have like something I’m thinking about or I need like insight on something

I’ll go to a new location

So I can be a match to new ideas because you’re not gonna think of anything new sitting in the same shit

I don’t know. That sounds kind of like wacky, but it’d be it’d be the truth bitch. I swear to God. It’d be the truth Ruth

Okay, so moving on to the next realization, this is something I realized yesterday after getting into like kind of like a pit of

Sadness. Um, I don’t know if it was come-down feels or it was just a mix

But I was pushed to a new realization bitch, and I’m annoyed by it

So it’s basically that nothing is as easy as you think it is

So on social media like the vibe now is to look like you’re not trying it’s to look effortless

Motherfuckers are trying so much more than you realize people are putting so much more effort into

Everything they do then you realize they’re just not telling you

It’s not cool in our generation for some reason to care or to try or to put effort into something

everybody kind of just hides that and

For someone like me. I’m watching everyone have all it just seems like all this great shit

Is happening to so many people it’s not just happening to them. They’re working for it

They are fucking putting so much more effort into things

then I even realized then I even know because I’m trying to accomplish similar things and

I’m having a hard fucking time

I ran up against this realization because I started to have like a fucking meltdown about it

I’m like, why the fuck does shit not just happen for me like it does for everybody else

The shit not just happened for me like it does for everybody else and then I realized bro, it’s not just happening to them

They’re trying

So much harder than you realize they’re just not showing that they’re trying like that

They’re just trying to make it look effortless

They’re hiding that part and they might not even be hiding that part because they want to paint the illusion that it’s easy

They might just be hiding the part where they put in a lot of effort because who wants to see that, you know?

Like that’s not the pretty part of social media. That’s not like what people want to fucking click on and see they don’t want to

See you

Doing all the boring work. They just want to see the success. They just want to see like the benefit of what you’re doing

so I’m gonna be really honest with you guys about what I’m trying to do right now and

Get mad if you want

but I have to share this because it goes with the realization and it’s like what pushed me to it and I’m gonna be fucking

Open and honest because nobody else is so I have two tik-tok accounts and they both just hit over

130,000 followers. I have not had a single brand reach out to me

I’ve had one and then they told me they were gonna send me something and

They never did but I have not had any actual like brand deal opportunities

I have not had a single brand reach out to me

I don’t know what the fuck is going on

Like I thought brands just reached out to you once you like had some followers and once you had really high engagement

I thought they just reached out to you. They just found you know, maybe some people but not me apparently

So I’m like, what the fuck like I want to start making money off of

Tick-tock and my podcast like this shit like this is an example

It takes so much more energy from me to do these things than it seems like my podcast takes me


To do because I have to record it and then I have to edit it which takes me a few hours

Then I have to listen to it and then I have to schedule it and it’s it’s a lot more work than you think

I don’t just fucking come in here and record something and then throw it up

It’s not as easy as it seems like let me just assure you of that and then tick tocks

Like they’re a lot easier. There’s so much fucking easier, but I want to start making money from this shit

I want to figure out how to monetize this because I feel like it’s a missed opportunity

If I don’t like I am NOT just like some fucking rich kid who just gets to live off a trust fund

I wish bitch I would fucking suck God’s dick if he would make me Kylie Jenner’s kid like oh my god

Anyway, I have made like pennies on fucking tick-tock. But with tick-tock the way that they pay you is like

It’s fucking stupid like you can’t touch the money that you make until 30 days after you make it

Okay, so like money doesn’t post to your account to be withdrawn for 30 days

And then you have to wait 30 days after that

so it’s like a 60-day waiting period and I just had a video go viral on my life coach tick-tock and it got like

2.7 million views in a week and all I made was like $83. So

That’s a lot of fucking views

For only 83 measly fucking bucks

you know like people that are making a living off of social media are not doing it just from like tick-tock money and little tick-tock

Coins because it’s not shit

Like what people are doing is like brand deals affiliate links shit like that like sponsored post sponsored ads

That’s where the money is and that’s where you can make a lot of fucking money. So my ass is like, okay

Let’s do it because my app is not

Making me a lot of money like I put

$25,000 into it and

I’m not making shit. Like I’m making less than

$500 a month

From that like I’m already $25,000 in the fucking bucket with this goddamn app

And I’m trying to make it as cheap as possible because I made it as a resource like I was making it like

Genuine to try to help people but it’s like at the same time

I have to watch out for myself financially because I just threw 25 grand into something. That’s not having any return

I’m like, let me go try and find some like brand deals or find out like what the fuck people are doing and

As I’ve been researching it like a lot of people have a manager like a social media manager who links them up with brands

that pay them to do shit and they get like PR and all this shit and I’ve seen a lot of people that have

50,000 followers getting a shit ton of PR and I’m like how bro like I have

130,000 followers on both accounts and I haven’t gotten anything

It’s because brands are not just reaching out to them and sending them shit and ask in offering to pay them money

Like some of them might but it’s not as common as you think

these people have managers and their managers are hooking them up and reaching out to these brands and

Connecting them so that they can get these opportunities

They’re not just falling in their lap and I was under the illusion of like, oh

Once you just get a certain amount of followers

Shit’s just gonna start coming to you. Like people are just gonna start wanting to pay you. No, bitch

That’s not how it has been for me. If it is like that for other people

I don’t know why it’s not like that for me. But from my experience

This is some bullshit. Okay, cuz the way I thought it was supposed to go versus how it’s going

It’s taking a lot more effort

So now I’m trying to like look for a social media manager so I can get like

Advertisements for my podcast for my tick-tock so I can make some money off this shit, bitch

Like why not? It’s a literal missed opportunity

Y’all ain’t ever got to worry about me selling out like I will never come on here talking about no stupid shit

And I will never rep a product that I don’t

Believe in or like anything anything

You will never be able to pay me a certain amount to lie to you fucking guys because I’m very honest

I’m very open and

All I want is to find someone online that I know I can trust and I am that I have a level of trust

Built with you guys and I will never fucking break that because I’m very big on trust. I’m very big on like

Reliability and being able to count on someone

So if the fact that you guys trust me and rely on me, that is my number one priority

I’ll never sell the fuck out like I’d rather make zero dollars and keep doing this shit

Then lose the relationship that I have with you guys of like the trust, you know

Because I’m doing it right now. Like I make fucking jack shit from this

I have not made a dollar from this podcast. I have made like a

Hundred and something dollars off tick-tock off both my accounts combined because I’m banned on not Leo for legal reasons

I got banned from the Creator Fund for seven months, and I’m still not off fucking probation

So that account I make no money from absolutely zero my life coach one

I’ve made like a hundred and something dollars, but all that’s available to withdraw right now is like 40 bucks

But I can’t withdraw the rest of it for another goddamn two months. Anyway

I’m trying to find out how to get a social media manager and I’ve started looking into it and it’s a lot of fucking scams

It’s a lot of bullshit

like I don’t understand how so many people have managers and so many people are making this shit work when

You can’t like trust anything you that there is online like you have to have connections and I don’t have any so if anyone

Listening to this knows a social media manager or knows

Anything about what I can do to start monetizing my shit. Will you please let me know because I’m struggling

I don’t know what if I’m going out and I don’t trust anything. I don’t trust anyone

So my skepticism and my paranoia is shooting me in the fucking ass right now

I would say sure to me in the foot, but it’s really shooting me in the fucking ass

but that’s my realization like this shit is not as easy as

people make it seem or that you would assume because

Them just not talking about it makes us assume a certain thing. So

Girl, it’s a lot harder than you fucking think like just having followers does not

Mean you’re gonna instantly make money because I’m not making shit like it’s fucking pathetic

I see people with so many less followers than me that are making so much fucking money and I’m like so confused

I’m like what like I’m not like acting like an entitled fucking prick. Like I have more I deserve more. It’s like no my

Presence online is not brand friendly and I get that because I’m gonna be honest

No matter what and brands want to be able to pay people that will fucking lie and hype their shit up

I’m not the guy for that

But if you have a good product, I’m the guy to come to because everyone trusts me, you know

Like I’m not gonna ever get on here and run my mouth about some stupid shit

I don’t believe and I’m not gonna hype up a product

I don’t fucking like like in the kombucha video that I made on tik-tok that went viral

I said it tastes like fucking shit

It tastes like vinegar

But you got to do what you got to do and drink it cuz it’s good for you

Like everybody was like, oh my god, they were pissing their self and they were like laughing at me

They’re like, oh my god, you’re never gonna get sponsored by kombucha and I was like no shit

Like I don’t care make something better and then sponsor me, you know

But yeah, I’m just trying to take my social media to a like profitable

Standpoint and I I’m not figuring out the best way to do that

like I’m trying but like I said

If y’all know anybody like DM me on Instagram and let’s talk because I need a little bit of help with this

I’m just like disappointed because I’m like I’ve been thinking this whole time something has gone wrong

Because shit’s not working for me and opportunities are not just falling in my lap like they are for everybody else

But that’s not the reality of it. Shit’s not just falling into people’s lap. They’re having to go out and get it

So now that I’m facing the new reality of like hey, it’s not as easy as you think now

I’m ready to like face it and go after it and like figure it out. That’s no problem with me

I’m just gonna use my platform and ask for help if I can

Cuz I really don’t have connections like I don’t

Y’all would probably assume that like

So much more about my social media than is real like I don’t make fucking money. I don’t have connections

I don’t really talk to people. I like I don’t collab with anybody. I don’t fucking like nothing like I just

Do it I guess

But that was just my example, but this whole realization is about everything

Like everything is a lot harder than you’d expect and nothing has gone wrong

Like if you’re busting your ass for something and you’re like goddamn like why does this seem so hard it’s because it’s meant to

Everyone struggles and no one posts it. No one shares that part. They just show the fruits of their labor

They don’t show the fucking labor

People are not showing how they had to hunt for a social media manager and how they got fucking scammed

Four times before they found a good one. Like no one’s posting that we’re just posting that they got PR

Sometimes you don’t even know that they have a manager, but they do

So just don’t compare your experience of like what you’re trying to do against everyone else’s because everybody

Puts in a lot more work into things than you think like these effortless posts on Instagram

Like Emma Chamberlain is the queen of that shit

Like I love that fucking bitch and all her pictures on Instagram looks so like effortless and like she just isn’t trying

But let me tell you I know that bitch is trying

I know

Like the effortless look is never effortless like if you just take your phone out and take a random fucking picture of something

It’s it doesn’t look good. Like if you want a picture to look good, but be effortless you have to put effort into it

You don’t just randomly put your phone out and get a great picture

And if you do it’s once in a blue fucking moon

Not where you can post three times a week with multiple slideshows of fucking pictures of like air quote

Effortless pictures like these bitches be trying

There be trifling and they be trying like they’re trying a lot more than you think to look effortless

And that’s the thing with social media is everybody makes everything seem so easy and it’s not I promise you and it’s not even

Just social media. It’s like


everything in life is not as easy as you’d fucking think like everything takes more effort and more energy from you and

Has a lot more obstacles than people are gonna warn you about or tell you and I’m gonna reveal a lot of that when I

Make the episode eventually about how I started my app. I’m gonna tell you all the fucking

Obstacles that were in my goddamn way all the things I had a mental fucking breakdowns about all the emotions

I was feeling what I was thinking what I was doing how I’ve gotten it to where it is

Like I’m gonna reveal it all to you and you’re gonna be like you

Like I didn’t fucking realize starting an app was that hard. I didn’t realize starting a business was that hard. Yeah, bitch

It’s real fucking difficult and it’s a lot harder than people make it seem

Okay, I’m gonna run right back to the Instagram thing really fast, you know, I love to talk shit on social media, okay

These people like with their outfits


These people are putting so much more work and effort into their outfits than you can even fucking imagine

Like the baggy clothes and the whole like I don’t even know what to call it

There’s no way to like mark the trend but like the thrifters

That’s what I’ll call them is like the thrifters

The ones that are always thrifting and have all like the vintage looking clothes and they just like have their messy little outfits

But they look good. It’s like the shit that doesn’t match but it looks cute the way that they wear it. These people are

Planning them shits a week in advance. They got their fucking clothes laid out like the first day of school, bitch

They are picking those fits so much harder than you think

They’re not just waking up in the morning and throwing some shit together and going out the door

No, they’re spending like an hour two hours on that shit. Okay, and then to get pictures in it

There’s been another fucking hour with a tripod in the middle of a parking garage by herself

Frustrated try to fucking brush before the Sun goes down

Like I’m just setting the scene for you

People be trying so much more than you think

This effortless look like girls be putting on makeup to look like they’re wearing no makeup

My sister taught me that a long time ago

It’s called the no makeup makeup look and people be putting on outfits to look like they’re not trying like the effortless outfit

It’s not effortless

They’re trying to look effortless

The people that actually look effortless are crackheads or the people on the side of the fucking road

That really aren’t trying with the fucking tutu and the goddamn Dora backpack

Those are the tweakers are the ones that actually don’t give a fuck and I actually don’t care

The people that are trying to look effortless

Are not actually effortless just remind yourself of that

Let me be the reassurance because I need to hear it too

Like I get down on myself because I be wearing like the same outfit three four fucking times if it’s good

Like it’s not dirty bitch. I’m not gross like it’s so clean. I’m still wearing it

It’s just difficult for me to pick outfits like to find outfits. It just seems like everybody just throws them together real quick

No, bitch, not for me. It takes me like a while to make an outfit. That’s why I be recycling it

And when I do find a really good outfit, it’s usually by accident like I’ll stumble upon it

I’ll just randomly be throwing shit on and then it just looks good

I’m like, well, okay, or I’ll change the shoe and I’m like, all right, let’s do this. That’s what I do

That’s why I have so many shoes. I just wear the same fucking outfit with a new shoe done. Oh

Skincare is another thing

People with good-ass skin online you’d be shocked at how many more people be trying as fuck with their skin

Cuz like there was this boy that I follow on tik-tok and he’s not very big

He has like 20 something thousand followers, but this one fuckers cute. Okay, like he’s like weird

He’s like one of them little like I don’t know if it’s like an indie boy. I don’t know what indie boy

I don’t know what the word indie means, but that just sounds like if it’s him. He’s real cute. He’s blonde

He got nice lips for a white boy

But he’s like real cute really really good fucking skin and he went on live

And he’s like a shoemaker. He’s like, oh, I don’t know what he does

Like he makes really cool ass shoes and like he’s just doing his little thing

But everything he posts is about it’s like the effortless look it’s like that I’m not trying shit

I’m just naturally cool vibe. So he was on his live and


Commented like yo drop the skincare routine because that shit’s impeccable and he like laughed and was like yo

I’ve been on accutane for however long and I use this this and this for my skin and my fucking jaw dropped

Like this boy put in so much more effort into his skin

Making it look the way it does than I thought like you just know what a straight boy

They don’t even know what the fuck a toner is. They don’t know what moisturizer is

They use a fucking bar soap in the shower and some goddamn

Air to moisturize when they get out that towel

They just wipe their face with a towel and they’re done like that’s how they do their fucking skin

But this boy like I just was not expecting it cuz his whole brand is so effortless

I’m not trying and then when I asked about his skin and homie like revealed himself. I was like, oh you low-key a faggot, huh?

Okay, I’m just kidding when I say shit like that. I’d be joking

okay, but yeah, like the whole point is like people put so much more effort than you think and just cuz they’re not posting that

They’re trying don’t mean they ain’t trying they’d be trying bitch

but my

reassuring message to you is

Don’t beat yourself up or think something’s gone wrong because you’re struggling. It’s normal

Everyone’s fucking struggling. You just don’t realize it

it’s not cute to struggle like

Society does not make it like where you’re allowed to struggle if you voice that you’re struggling people will think you’re complaining and that you’re bitching

So that’s why no one talks about it

But everyone is struggling

Every single fucking person is struggling with something that they’re dealing with going through or working towards

It’s a lot fucking harder than you think for everyone. It’s not just you that it’s hard for

That’s my reassuring message that’s what you need to fucking hear and replay that shit bitch cuz that was great

Pastor Leo’s awesome shit came back from some trips and here I am Sunday service, bitch

Okay, this episode is not that long

Like I thought it was gonna be longer

Cuz I covered so many fucking big-ass topics and like realizations in one episode

I thought this would be so much longer. I just talked fast like I’d be getting to the point

Sometimes I repeat the point but I get to the point, you know

Like shit, I want to make this longer. I wanted this like an hour and 20 minutes speech

It ain’t even gonna be like 40 something

All right. That’s all I got for this episode. I think that’s all my brain can fucking handle for this week

Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this leave me a five-star rating, but only five stars

Don’t give me no fucking four-star three-star one-star bullshit

Yuki, the only button that works is the five-star. Sorry about it

But you can rate me on Spotify and Apple podcast

All of my social media will be linked in the description of this podcast also my app if you want to download it

You can get it. I’ll put the links. It’s on the iPhone and Androids. It’s on everything so anybody can get it

Go improve your life, bitch

We are back on schedule. I will be back on track every Sunday Sunday service

I will not close the church doors on you guys again

I’m not making no promises, but no time in the future. Will I close the church doors in your face?

All right, love you so much I will talk to you next Sunday you best have your ass in church