Aware & Aggravated - 19. Dealing With Toxic People

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Hi friends! So today we’re gonna talk about toxic people and people you can

get away from people you can’t you know because we got like family that you want

to cut them the fuck off but you can’t and then you got like friends which you

can cut off but sometimes you just don’t want to you know like a little toxic

keeps it fun but as always I’m gonna give you my like honest thoughts

opinions and all the aboves and all the etc about the topic of toxicity because

people throw out that fucking title like it’s nothing y’all know I don’t

like that and y’all know I like to hold people accountable so the motherfuckers

that be saying oh my god they’re so toxic bitch it takes two to toxic just

like it takes two to tango so what the fuck are you doing let’s look it back at

you you know let’s get some self-awareness in this bitch let’s

let’s point the finger both ways and assess what’s going on you know that’s

how I operate and that’s why a lot of people don’t like my advice and don’t

like what I have to say is because I’m gonna hold you the fuck accountable to

what you’re doing too it’s not just about them and how they’re bad and wrong

you’re contributing to let’s just see how but then I’m also gonna give you

some tips about how to deal with these people because most of the time they’re

emotionally stunted behaving like toddlers no emotional maturity and you

want to knock them upside the fucking head but that’s illegal so I do have a

couple tricks up my sleeve and a couple things from my own experience that I’m

gonna share but I do need to knock this one ball out the fucking park real fast

I have a lot of people message me and bitches will be like oh my god my

boyfriend is so toxic like he’s just so toxic and narcissistic and my immediate

thought is okay then why the fuck are you with him like you understand that

this person behaves in a way that’s damaging to you why the fuck are you

still with them and a lot of times people use the excuse of oh well I love

him so in order to love him you have to not love yourself and not consider

yourself like you have to choose to hurt yourself in order to love him how’s that

fair to you you’re basically picking them over yourself so your entire life

is gonna be fucked and it’s gonna be chaos and so you learn to choose you

just a heads up like that’s where I’m saying it takes two to toxic once you

have the awareness that someone is like detrimental to your life do what you can

to get them the fuck out of it like do what you can just period that part do

what you can to get out of it and to not be around them if you can leave them

then fucking leave them but it’s easy to trap yourself in it and like convince

yourself that you’re stuck in it when you’re really not but I just wanted to

get that out of the way and throw that little piece of insight out why the fuck

are you still there once you gain the awareness why are you still there why

are you still choosing to be in that because once somebody shows you who they

are if you choose to keep going back you’re choosing to abuse yourself at

that point if they’ve shown you they don’t care that their actions hurt you

and you choose to keep going forward with them it’s your fucking

responsibility now grab yourself by the fucking nuts and leave like you just

need to become aware of that and take accountability for once they show you

who they are if you keep going back now it’s on you I need to make you aware

that it’s a choice so that’s what I’m trying to explain right now once you

have the awareness they’re fucked up or they’re treating you bad moving forward

from there you are choosing to deal with it you are choosing the abuse you are

choosing the toxic you are choosing it you have to see that it’s a choice so

that you can choose differently you can’t just stay blind to it once you’re

aware like I’ve always say awareness is a fucking bitch because now you got to

make a change a great analogy of this is a stovetop if you don’t know what a

stove is you don’t understand it gets hot you reach up and you touch it and it

burns the fuck out of you now you’re aware okay a stove is hot and it will

burn me if I keep touching it so I’m not gonna touch it anymore but if you go

back and you touch the stove again dumbass what are you fucking doing like

now you know that it’s hot now you know what a stove is now you know it’s gonna

burn you every time you go back and touch it so stop fucking touching it if

you want to stop getting burned does that make sense sometimes you just got

to simplify it and I know relationships are very very complex but just take a

second to look at it like that quit touching the goddamn stove bitch but

that brings me back to my point on accountability the reason I’m so big on

that is because you can’t control other people I always advise to go for what is

in your control so if you want to stop being burned you can choose to stop

touching the stove that is your immediate way to stop being burned but

other people will look at the stove and tell the stove why it’s bad and get mad

at the stove for burning it and try to change the stove don’t be so hot you

need to cool down you know you cannot control the stove if there’s no fucking

knob on it like a human being you can’t control them there’s no knob so it’s

like a stove with no knob you can’t control it so you putting your energy

into trying to change the stove for what it is is pointless it’s a waste now

flip the analogy of a stove into the person that you think is toxic putting

energy into trying to change them is a fucking waste what is in your control

your ability to stop touching the stove so stop fucking touching it focus on

what’s in your control that’s the big part behind accountability because

that’s where you’re gonna make improvements that’s where things are

gonna get better you’re gonna waste your fucking time and be nothing but

stressed out and a goddamn wreck put in all this effort I have to get the stove

to stop burning me oh my god it’s like bitch just stop fucking touching it stop

trying to change the stove it is what it is you know that it’s hot you know it

will burn you don’t fucking touch it okay I did start this off a little ranty

I’m very in your face on this one but I’m about to soften up okay so my first

like piece of advice with dealing with toxic people whether it’s your parents

friends a partner whoever you think is toxic in your life look at them from a

different lens for a second and just try to understand them for who they are I

know hang on hang on before you turn this off and you’re like shut up Leo

what the fuck are you on about just hang on look at them and try to understand

why they behave the way that they do how is it benefiting them and how could

behaving the way that they do have come about for them like why would they have

started to behave the way that they do like narcissists people want to throw

that term around don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about but

narcissism is not a personality disorder it’s an adaptive behavioral strategy

people adapt that okay but that’s for another fucking episode I’ll do a whole

episode of narcissists if you want but if you just look at these toxic people

if they exhibit toxic traits I don’t really like the term toxic so if you

just look at somebody that treats you a way that you don’t want to be treated

why would they think that’s okay like get fully in their perspective for a

minute and try to understand how that came about like how they became the way

that they are and once you start understanding someone you can’t judge

them because once you understand why something is the way that it is you

can’t judge it so hard and sometimes you end up not being able to judge it at all

because now you fucking get it so I know it’s very hard when someone is like a

piece of shit from your perspective but just put down the defense and the

offense for a second and just climb into their perspective and try to see what

possibly could have led them to behaving the way that they do now you know I’m

not saying do it to give them sympathy or anything I’m just saying get a

general understanding because a need is being met for them for whatever they’re

fucking doing I don’t care how twisted and fucked up it is and one thing about

human beings every single action that a human being takes is to try to feel

better at the core of it at the base of it everyone is just trying to feel

better it does not matter what the action is when you boil it down to the

core of the true intention it’s to feel better so you can kind of take on a

little bit of a more compassionate attitude once you reassure yourself of

that people’s intentions are not as negative and is not as harmful as you’d

assume and it’s a lot more going on with them but yeah that’s my first tip

because it’ll help you get a little bit of compassion and a little bit of

understanding for the person that you’re working with you know because like I

said sometimes you can’t cut them off like if they’re family you can’t really

cut them off and my next piece of advice on that is like family members or

someone that you cannot cut off you need to just start going to them for what

they’re useful for so I’m gonna give you some examples so if you’re looking at

your parents like they’re just royal fuck-ups and they can’t do shit right

stop trying to get every single need met by them stop expecting them to be

perfect stop expecting them to be capable of doing everything for you and

this goes for a parent or you want to look at this from a perspective of a

partner or a friend don’t expect just one person to be able to do it all and

meet all the needs you have so if you just keep seeing things and like reasons

that they’re a fuck-up that’s all you’re gonna keep seeing until you deliberately

switch your focus so until you decide okay what is my parents actually good at

and you start questioning it and you start wondering you’re opening yourself

up to now seeing what they’re good at and what needs they can meet so like an

example is my dad I’ve talked about it before he’s not the person to go to for

emotional support at all he does not understand emotions are a thing like

he’s not the fucking one to go to for that but if you have a problem if you

need something fixed if there’s a threat to your safety or you need someone to be

there for you like and come get you or you have any trouble with your fucking

car or like you need to eat he’s the one to fucking go to he’ll make sure you eat

he’ll make sure you’re safe he’ll make sure you have a bed to sleep in he’ll

make sure you have clothes he’ll make sure you’re protected but that’s it like

he can do what he can do but you’re never gonna see where your parent or

someone is good enough when you’re only focused on where they’re not so like my

whole point with this is go to people for what they’re good at if I’ve

experienced with my dad he’s not comforting he’s not like emotionally

supportive or soothing I now know don’t go to him for that but it doesn’t mean

to write him off that he’s fucking useless because I just have one problem

right now there’s other problems that I can go to him for there’s other things

he’s resourceful for for having him in my life and especially like your dad you

can’t cut them off you know like you can but it’s just like a pain in the ass so

I focus on the areas my dad is good at so when I have a problem with any of the

areas that he’s great with and he has proven that he’s reliable I’ll go to him

for that but I don’t go to him for emotional support I’ll go to my sister

or my mom or a friend or whoever whatever the situation is I know who I

can go to for what so start looking at the people in your life the toxic ones

that you think are toxic they might be toxic and 25 different fucking angles or

areas but there might be one area that they’re actually pretty fucking good in

even if it’s just being there to listen to you talk or to fuck it some people

are good at just cuddling like you have those friends where you don’t want to

fuck you just want to cuddle they can cuddle just start looking for the voids

that certain people can fill and looking for what people are good at and then get

that from them there’s nothing wrong with that like let people be useful to

you even the toxic ones like if you can’t cut them out of your life at least

let them be there for you in the ways that they can like if they’re stuck in

your life make them fucking useful is my point I do want to circle back really

quick with an example to the understanding them part so this is just

one example that I see a lot of people deal with is their parents holding money

over their head or like their parent will do something for them and then

will remind them that they fucking did that for them and that means you should

behave a certain way or like you’re in debt to them now you know like they

expect you to act a certain way because they paid for something for you or they

bought you something so if you look at trying to understand a parent that does

this that is a person that feels very unsafe so people that use money to

control others whoo that’s a lot to unpack but that is a person that has

learned that money is one of the best ways to get people to behave the way

that they want they don’t believe that people will just treat them right and

consider them and behave correctly towards them just because they care

about them like these are the people that think they need to provide

something and like put money over your head or do something for you to guarantee

that you will act right or be nice to them so it’s for them to feel safe and

to feel like they have some sort of control because if someone needs to do

that they’ve had some bad experiences where people have like royally fucked

them or not considered them or whatever it is but the attitude of understanding

I’m gonna keep fucking saying that because it’s so much more important than

people realize but the whole like parent holding money over your head they might

do shit for you financially that they know you can’t do for yourself to

guarantee connection with them they want to feel useful to you so they feel like

they won’t lose you but that can become a very toxic fucking cycle because

they’re gonna do something for you and then they expect you to act a certain

way and then when you don’t act that way they feel like ripped off they feel

betrayed so they’re gonna throw it back in your face and be like what the fuck

like I did this this and this for you ungrateful little shit but that is a

toxic situation where like they do something for you with strings attached

with undisclosed expectations and then when you don’t uphold those they feel

like they were like ripped off so it’s like they put you in a contract that you

didn’t know that you were in and by you behaving a way that they didn’t want

they feel like you just voided the contract and just like betrayed them

but their lack of communication is the thing that’s actually fucking them in

that situation but someone that’s not aware is not gonna see that so that’s

their own fucking shit to deal with but that’s a dynamic that can become very

toxic so if you understand that your parent is like that don’t accept money

from them find another way to get it or if you’re going to accept money from

them get very clear be like okay by you paying for this for me what are you

expecting are you expecting anything ask them and that’s their chance to be

very fucking honest and then voice your worry or your concern be like hey I’m

just worried if I accept this and then if I do something you don’t like you’re

gonna try and guilt me and shame me and hold this over my head and like throw it

back in my face say that doesn’t feel good and it makes me want to push you

away when you do that so like if I’m gonna accept this money or if I’m gonna

let you pay for this thing for me I just want the reassurance that that’s not

gonna happen because I don’t like the way that it makes me feel toward you say

something along those lines and be very fucking clear about it and then if they

continue to do it even after you communicate stop accepting money

altogether but you get what I mean where there’s ways to deal with these people

but you have to understand them first you kind of have to get an understanding

of why they’re doing what they’re doing what they’re getting out of it this is

very hard to explain and unpack like I can just do it like if you came to me

with a situation I could tell you exactly how to handle it but girl it’s

just hard to give examples that aren’t like exact you know I’m trying my best

oh and one other good thing to say for like the parent dynamic of them giving

you money and then throwing it in your fucking face say I don’t feel safe to

accept it and then when they ask why tell them all the reasons that you’re

like hesitant but you got to be honest with the way that it makes you feel you

have to be vulnerable and if you have a European parent like me you’re gonna get

probably a lot of backlash and a lot of shut the fuck up you’re stupid but you

know what you need to give them a chance to be vulnerable because once you change

the way you act after that you gave them a fair fucking warning you know like you

tried to give them the chance to consider you and then if they’re gonna

show you they’re not gonna consider you all right now I’m gonna consider myself

goodbye we’re done with this whatever it’s gonna be you know but you got to

give them that fucking chance to consider you before you just stop

considering them with your next move just to protect yourself okay my next

little spiel is gonna be on when someone is always trying to fucking one-up you

like you do something and then they’re always saying how they’re better or how

they can do it better or they actually do it better like they think everything

is a competition dealing with that type of toxicity is a pain in the fucking

dick but I need to show you like I’m trying to share with you both

perspectives so that you can understand it better and realize it’s not really

about you and then I’m gonna get into the topic about shit not being about you

first if you have someone that every time you do something they try to like

you or be better at it it’s because they are so cripplingly insecure the fact

that you’re succeeding or doing something good they feel like it’s an

attack on them they are instantly gonna feel validated that they’re not good

enough they’re gonna perceive you as doing better than them now so in order

to combat that someone emotionally immature is gonna feel the need to prove

their self they’re not gonna sit in the way that they feel they’re just gonna

immediately try and like stop feeling the way that they’re feeling so they’re

gonna try and prove their self and prove that they’re good enough and prove that

they’re good too because you just made them feel less than by being a little

bit better or achieving something that they didn’t have so they’re now gonna

feel the need to prove it so they’re gonna get up and try and fucking prove

it they’re gonna try and be better they’re gonna try and do better but

it’s not because they’re trying to fuck with you or attack you it’s because

what’s going on inside them is in order for them to get back to a baseline of

feeling good enough they now need to level up and accomplish what you just

accomplished or do it better they’re gonna feel anxious and uneasy and like

shit until they get that validation that you two are equal again so that’s that

kind of like competitive dynamic that a lot of parents have with their kids

which I think is so fucked up and like they don’t want their kids to succeed

and now I’m gonna jump into that with when someone is mad or bitter about your

accomplishments so we just talked about the competitive motherfucker now we’re

gonna talk about the people that are bitter when you accomplish something or

you have something exciting happen to you you know like something good happens

to you and they want to throw shit on it or fucking rain on your parade which I

don’t like I don’t stand no shit like that but only people that really do that

are fucking losers because someone that’s achieving things every time you

achieve something they’re not gonna take it as an attack because they’re

achieving things too you’re gonna be able to celebrate each other as you’re

working and moving forward and accomplishing things together the only

people that are gonna give you shit for when you accomplish something or be

negative about it are people who are stagnant and who are not accomplishing

anything because if they were accomplishing things they would know how

exciting it is they would know how good it feels and how much they would want

everyone to be supportive of them and be happy for them so they’re asleep one

and they’re stagnant they’re not accomplishing shit too because they

would have the awareness if they were so I’m gonna give you kind of like a

conversation back and forth example of this so let’s say you get some good news

or you graduate school like you finally achieve your goal and you graduate

people around you that are insecure are immediately gonna feel a sense of panic

and powerlessness because they don’t feel like they can create something good

for their self like you just accomplished something and someone that

has critically low self-esteem is gonna be pissed off because they’re jealous

like they don’t think that they can create it for their self so they’re just

sitting in powerlessness and a way that most people get out of that is by

shaming and attacking the people that just accomplished something so if you

have a family member say to you or a friend be like stop bragging because

you’re celebrating your accomplishment or you got some good news and they say

that you’re bragging that’s their power play because they feel very fucking

powerless where they’re at and your whole good experience and your

accomplishment just triggered the shit out of them and like I said they don’t

know how to sit with the way that they feel they just want to get away from it

so trying to get away from it that’s the power play they’re gonna do they’re

gonna try and attack you for the way that you’re handling something they’re

gonna latch on to any little fucking thing that they can to feel better so

they’re gonna criticize the way that you’re bragging they’re gonna say you’re

fucking bragging it’s not nice to do that it’s not polite they’re gonna

criticize you in some way but I want to reassure you it’s not about you because

you could do everything fucking right but the fact that you simply just

accomplished what you accomplished is triggering enough that they’re

hunting for something to bitch about and they’ll probably make some shit up and

exaggerate things if they have to but if someone comes to you and tries to

shame you for bragging about something that you just accomplished do not engage

in that fucking conversation because what they want is for you to go down

that rabbit hole of like you trying to prove I’m not bragging look I wouldn’t

do this I didn’t like you’re gonna get all flustered and you’re gonna start

trying to prove how you weren’t bragging that’s exactly what they want that’s

exactly what’s gonna feed their cycle and you trying to prove yourself to them

is gonna give them a sense of superiority they were looking for don’t

go down that fucking rabbit hole do not try and prove that you weren’t bragging

if you weren’t bragging if you were just celebrating your accomplishment do not

try and fucking prove nothing else you know your intentions and now listen to

this podcast you’re aware of what this motherfucker is doing okay what I want

you to say to them is how did you come to that like just ask them how did you

come to that like how did you come to the thought that I’m bragging I’m just

curious ask them that because bitch what you’re about to do is flip this shit on

them so hard and bring them face-to-face with their self and what they’re

actually fucking worried about but most of these people are so asleep they’re

not gonna be able to handle it they’re not gonna know what to do but they’ll

most likely start criticizing your actions they’ll say well you this you

that you were this like you’re just throwing it in my face and it’s like

then do not go into the whole thing of like no I wasn’t don’t say shit let them

say what they wanted to fucking say about how they came to the thought that

you were bragging let them get all that out let them attack you and criticize

you and the way that they fucking want and just look at them dead in their

fucking face and be like okay and that’s it and then you’re gonna take the

conversation out of their fucking control and you’re gonna say something

along the lines of why the fuck would I not be excited about this if it’s

something that you worked for like you graduated be like I worked my fucking

ass off for this so yeah I’m excited yeah I’m gonna celebrate fuck yeah I am

and I’m gonna be excited and I’m gonna be happy and I’m gonna be proud of

myself because I fucking should be but if it’s not something that you work for

like it’s just good news or something be like yeah I’m excited who would not be

excited in this situation and then if they try and attack you again about oh

you’re bragging flip it and say if this was happening to you I would expect you

to fucking brag I would expect you to be excited because who wouldn’t be but what

I really want to talk about is why you’re not excited for me because if

this was you in my shoes I will be rooting for you I will be happy as fuck

and I would let you brag like you earned that shit you just graduated school I

would be right fucking there rooting for you and like letting you brag bitch you

earned to have a big head about this you earned the excitement so let’s talk

about that and bitch watch their fucking face fall they’re not gonna know what

the fuck to say because now you just flipped the whole conversation you’re

not entertaining their fucking bullshit and now you flipped it and put the

pressure on them for the reaction that they have you just validated the shit

out of yourself they’re aware that you just accused the shit out of them for

behaving the way that they did it but you don’t even acknowledge it you didn’t

say anything or criticize them in any way and then say to them something along

the lines of like if you can’t find it in yourself to fucking be excited for me

the way I’d be excited for you don’t come around my celebration and I’m not

gonna share anything good with you in the future because you just rained on my

fucking parade and I don’t deserve that say something like you ruined my

excitement now I don’t want to talk to you about good things anymore and bitch

just leave it just leave it be you can pick what you want and don’t want from

that conversation but you get the points I was making and I taught you how to

like control that type shit but you’re not going into their rabbit hole of

trying to prove yourself on anything anything cuz that’s the power play they

want I told you that bitch you’re not doing it don’t try to defend yourself to

them at all they already have a warped perception of every move you make they’re

already judging the shit out of you so nothing you do is like you can defend

yourself on you can’t defend yourself to someone who has a warped perception of

you it’s never gonna work you’re never gonna change their mind they’re gonna

see you the way they want to fucking see you and if seeing you in a negative

light because you accomplish something makes them feel better about them not

accomplishing something that’s what serves them now get the fuck away from

them they’re not someone who’s rooting for you they’re not someone you need to

have in your life or be close to and like I said if it’s a family member or

anything just distance yourself stop including them in these events if you

accomplish something you’re allowed to say who the fuck can come I don’t care

if it’s your mom or your dad say I don’t want them at my graduation and I don’t

give a fuck if they paid for my tuition this is my fucking day I fucking

graduated I busted my ass to go through school now I fucking pick who gets to be

there to celebrate with me I don’t give a shit who paid my tuition you get that

this is reassurance that you get that you get that control and if you don’t

want them at your celebration because they’re gonna ruin it tell them don’t

fucking come you are free to consider yourself and make how you feel the

priority and if you want to be excited and have a good celebration for what you

just accomplished then prioritize that and anyone that is not gonna help you

with that can get the fuck out of the way and for someone that’s like fresh on

this self-love journey and learning how to consider the way that you feel and

make that a priority something that I used to tell myself and something that

you’re probably gonna tell yourself is oh well if I don’t invite them it’s

gonna make it awkward I don’t want to make it weird yada yada bitch I hate to

break it to you the way they reacted already made it awkward they already

made it fucking weird so all inviting them would do would be you overlooking

what they just did and allowing them to come and discarding the way that you

feel because they’re gonna come and ruin your fucking celebration no you ain’t

doing it they made it awkward they made it weird and if they expect you to

overlook it that’s not fucking fair you didn’t do anything they have to overlook

why the fuck should you overlook their reaction and their piss fucking storm on

your parade why should you overlook that you shouldn’t and if they try and guilt

you for it tell me to fucking dick and listen to this podcast ha I have very

low tolerance for that type shit like grow the fuck up gain some self

awareness learn how to be a parent or if you’re not a parent in this situation

learn how to be an adult learn how to gather yourself and be a decent human

being because that’s one thing I don’t stand for is no raining on my fucking

parade all right be excited with me be excited for me because I’m gonna be the

exact same towards you I don’t have time for no intimidated ass people that’s

your problem get away from me okay next thing I want to talk about is

sometimes toxic people’s reaction to you is not about you I’m gonna give you an

example and it’s a very extreme example but it’s gonna help you like get the

point I’m trying to make my friend went to her boyfriend because she was having

suicidal thoughts and she wanted to confide in him and let him know what was

going on why she was behaving the way that she was and when she sat him down

to have a conversation with him she told him she was having suicidal thoughts and

he looked at her got up and left the room and just left her sitting in there

by herself like acted like he didn’t fucking care and just walked out if

someone is very emotionally immature you need to take into consideration that

they have feelings too so by her walking up to him and saying I’m having thoughts

about killing myself that just caused him to feel extremely powerless when

your loved one comes up to you and says they’re like considering taking their

own life it puts you in a powerless position because you can’t control if

they do or don’t if someone wants to kill herself they’ll find a way and that

panic runs over you so her boyfriend is very emotionally immature does not

really get it does he doesn’t know how to even regulate himself to even be able

to be there for her so in that moment he got up and walked out and I was like

maybe he was just overwhelmed with the way that hearing that just made him feel

he didn’t even have the capacity to consider how his reaction was gonna be

perceived he just had to get up and run from the way he was feeling so he got up

and walked out that’s a very powerless feeling and especially when it’s in a

dynamic of like straight relationship man-woman when the woman goes to the man

who’s the protector typically like he wants to take care of her he wants to

make sure she’s okay so that’s gonna get triggered he’s gonna feel like he’s

fucking up if he already has insecurities he’s gonna start thinking

he’s not good enough and he’s doing something wrong and he’s flooded with so

many of his own fucking emotions that he doesn’t even know how to deal with don’t

look at their reaction I mean you have to take it into consideration I get it

but don’t make it mean anything about you do not make the fact that you just

confided in someone and told them you’re having suicidal thoughts and them having

a bad reaction don’t make it mean you shouldn’t have said anything don’t make

it mean anything about you I will say that a thousand fucking times but it’s

not even just that like I said this is just an extreme example but this goes

for anything you go to somebody about you’re gonna trigger shit in them too

they’re gonna be feeling things too and if it’s someone that does not know how

to regulate the way that they feel their reaction is gonna be bad and that’s what

a lot of times people call toxic but it’s like you just think he’s a fucking

asshole and he doesn’t care he just got up and walked out like what the fuck

people would be like oh he’s a narcissist he’s a fucking asshole he

just left me but you don’t know why he just got up you don’t know what he was

feeling you don’t know what he was fucking dealing with and like I said if

someone has shown you like the stove if someone is a hot stove and you you

finally learned that if someone does not know how to control their emotions and

you know that when you deliver certain information to them you can’t expect

them not to burn you you gotta kind of expect they’re gonna have a weird-ass

reaction because they showed you in the past they don’t react right to shit

because they don’t have the like mental and emotional capacity to be mature

about things but the way that can get misconstrued like bro that will make you

think someone is so fucking toxic and fucked up and like oh my god you’re such

a dick how fucking mean can you be like I just told you I wanted to kill myself

and you’re just gonna fucking like run out it’s like I don’t agree with that

response I’m just saying there’s more to that response than you think so don’t

immediately start attacking them don’t immediately everything like I said go

back to my tip one take the attitude of understanding why did you just get up

and walk out of that fucking room you know don’t be so intense I’d be

aggressive with everything I fucking say but my friend was over here thinking

that he was just a fucking dick and that he didn’t truly care about her which

made her feel worse when that probably wasn’t even the result of it and we

don’t even know what the truth is but I just gave her that perspective when she

came to me about it so that she could feel a little bit better and she didn’t

take it so personal and make it mean that he didn’t care he does care because

he’s with her so I had to reassure her of that but also like I had to give her

insight into his perspective a little bit because that shit people don’t think

of they forget a lot of the times that people have feelings and toxic people

like air quote toxic people a lot of their behaviors are just because they

don’t know how to deal with their own fucking emotions it’s not that they’re

like toxic and it’s not that they’re intentionally trying to hurt you or

they’re intentionally like fuck you they just are trying to run from how

they feel and people that do that don’t care about what’s in their way so if

your feelings could potentially be hurt by them running out they can’t even

think about it because their only focus is getting out it’s like when you’re in

a burning fucking building your priority is getting the fuck out of the building

it’s not oh well do you want to sit down on the couch and talk about what you’re

feeling no like they have that level of panic that level of like fear and that’s

their top priority is getting the fuck out and getting away from their emotions

so that’s just to let you in their perspective a little more but I’ll say

it a thousand fucking times till I die just try to understand people try to

understand them a little more that does not discount the way that they treat you

it does not invalidate or like justify their reaction in any fucking way that

is another conversation to hold them accountable for the way that they

reacted to you like if my friend just tried to go straight at her fucking

boyfriend a couple minutes later and was like you fucking piece of shit what the

fuck like how are you not gonna fucking be there for me like if she just went

and started attacking him he’s already feeling all the ways that he is he’s

gonna want to try to get away from it again and he’s gonna say even more

hurtful shit to just get her to leave him the fuck alone if someone has a

negative reaction towards you don’t judge it just immediately think to

yourself now why would they have just reacted that way take yourself out of it

don’t make it mean anything about you but just look at it like that ask

yourself if potentially their reaction was not about me what could they be

dealing with that made them respond that way and this also works to the opposite

extreme so that was something negative it goes to positive things too so you

might be doing something that triggers someone to feel a way that they don’t

know how to deal with or it’s a way that they don’t know what the fuck to do with

because there’s people in my past I’ve given a gift to and I thought that they

didn’t like it because of their reaction to it but when we talked about

it later they actually just were so fucking shocked that someone cared

enough to buy them something that no one had like thought of them in the way that

I had before and it threw them off they didn’t know what to do and then they

also had shit about their past we’re expressing positive emotion or

expressing gratitude for something like led to it being taken away so they were

scared to even show they were grateful to me of what I just did but I didn’t

know this when it happened I just saw that they didn’t really care that I gave

him a gift like I put all this effort into it and I was so excited to give it

to them and they just acted like it wasn’t a big deal and they acted like

whatever so that hurt the fuck out of my feelings and this is one of the

situations that taught me how to catch myself because if you’re insecure and

someone does this to you you’re gonna make their reaction mean something about

you it wasn’t good enough they didn’t like it they don’t care about me

XYZ don’t let someone’s reaction be the reason you start attacking yourself

don’t make it mean something about you I’ve been there I’ve done that and never

goes anywhere fucking good you have to pull yourself out of it and observe it

from their perspective before you start attacking yourself like don’t fucking do

that and a big tip I have for this is if you see someone has a reaction to

something that doesn’t match what they should like when I gave someone a really

really fucking good gift and they had like a poor reaction to it I in that

moment can see this is a good-ass fucking gift like they should be excited

as fuck by it but their reaction wasn’t like consistent with that so there’s

your first red flag if someone’s reaction doesn’t seem to fit that is

your cue to start looking in at them and not attacking yourself there’s something

deeper going on but you have to have the awareness and the ability to like

observe and say okay this gift was good as fuck so their reaction was just off

you have to be able to validate yourself and like reassure yourself of that to

even know to like to even know to think deeper into it you know this is getting

kind of deep and I hope this is all making sense but just remind yourself

that people have their own feelings have their own shit that they’re dealing with

to their reactions to you are not always about you so that’s a huge key and to

stopping the toxic cycle is understanding that because you’re part

of the toxic if now that you’ve just heard this you keep attacking people for

when they react negatively but like I said awareness is a fucking bitch

because now you’ve got to take responsibility for your part in it

because next time your partner has a negative reaction if you just go and

attack them without understanding first you’re contributing to the toxic you’re

making the cycle worse and I’m sorry to do that to you but it’s time to wake up

everybody it’s time to wake the motherfuck up so another big tip I have

with dealing with toxic people is you have to have a strong sense of self and

you need to be stern in your boundaries these type people will make you have to

be that’s one thing about being in a toxic environment is it will teach you

how to have a motherfucking sense of self it will teach you how to set

boundaries so that’s one thing you gain from it like if you’re stuck in shit

right now be happy because at least you get that because the reason your life is

so chaotic is because you don’t have a sense of self so this is reflecting to

you all the areas you need to have one and how to create one and it’s also

showing you what you do want out of your life and how you want to be treated so

the whole thing about having strong boundaries and a sense of self is like

you need to hold people accountable so you need to be understanding yes but

like I said people need to be held accountable for the reactions to things

so if you tell someone that is emotionally immature do not do this

thing and they keep doing it you need to follow through with a consequence my

analogy for this I’ve used my entire fucking life is like if you have a new

puppy and it shits in your house if you want it to stop shitting in the house

you can take actions to make them stop shitting in the house but it’s gonna

escalate so at first you’re gonna like walk them over to it and like make them

look at it and say no and like whatever or like you’ll put them outside in the

grass and then when they do poop outside you’ll give them a treat like you’ll try

and positively reward them when they shit in the right area you’ll get them a

puppy pad so if they do shit in the house whatever like you’ll try and get

them to shit in certain areas and then one day it’s gonna get to a point where

you just gotta smack that motherfucker okay you gotta put that dog’s nose in

the fucking shit and smack the fuck out of it smack its last so it realizes hey

I should stop shitting in the house like you can do gentle things to like get a

point across to somebody but sometimes people are so fucking stupid they’re

like a dog they need to be hit and I’m not saying you need to hit people I’m

just using my example but sometimes you got to escalate that shit because

sometimes people just don’t get it so if the smack in the face someone fucking

needs is you leaving them then that’s the smack in the face they fucking need

if they keep shitting in your house what are you gonna do to make them stop

always try the nice shit first always but you’re gonna have to get more and

more harsh and like stern and set when they continue the same unwanted behavior

but something you need to make sure that you’re doing with people that keep doing

shit that hurts you is let them know that it hurts you listen to my podcast

episode expressing you’re uncomfortable if you need help with that but if someone

does not know something is hurting you to the extent that it is they’re gonna

keep doing it so when you do express that something’s hurting you you have to

get vulnerable you have to let them know how their actions are affecting you if

you truly want them to consider you you have to give them something to consider

you need to make them aware that this action hurts me or impacts me in these

ways and you need to make it serious like you don’t need to make it a

laughing-fucking-matter if someone’s hurting you you need to be serious and

let them know because they might not even realize because people do get stuck

in their own perspective too fucking much and if you don’t have a reaction to

something to let them know that you’re upset or hurt they’re not gonna know it

hurt you that if you just act okay with it they’re gonna assume that you’re okay

with it and then they’ll keep doing it but if you do express to someone how

their actions are hurting you and you were serious about it and you were fully

fucking vulnerable and they continue to do it that right there exposes how

absolutely disconnected they are from you but also their self if they’re

disconnected from their emotions they’re not gonna be able to see how

something hurt you this is gonna get real fucking like spiritual and real

like too much if I go into that part but if they keep doing shit after they know

it hurts you to the extent that you’ve explained it they’re disconnected and

you don’t need to wait around for them to consider you so if they do if they do

the thing again that they know hurts you take it out of their hands you gave

them the chance to consider you you gave them the chance to not hurt you and they

chose to still do it now you are free to do what the fuck you want it is now your

responsibility to consider yourself now you don’t let yourself go through that

again like I said in the beginning you’re gonna choose to abuse yourself

or you’re gonna choose to protect yourself which one are you gonna fucking

choose but once you give someone the fair opportunity to consider you and

they don’t now it’s in your control and you snatch that power back right the

fuck from them and don’t ever feel bad don’t ever second-guess it and don’t

ever fucking feel bad I’m about to start fucking crying but this fucking sucks

like this is so hard and it hurts so fucking bad but you need to look out for

yourself you need to take care of yourself because they’re showing you

they don’t care so why the fuck are you gonna allow them to keep hurting you and

this goes for anyone friend partner parent any fucking one it’s different

when they don’t know that they’re hurting you but once you fully tell them

and it’s blatant that they keep doing it and they show that they don’t care

that’s it their behavior no longer gets to go without consequences start

implementing consequences and be as fucking needy and as mean as you need to

be because you need to protect yourself with boundaries with this person because

they will overstep them they will discard them they will discard the way

that you feel if they keep doing shit that hurts you and they know that it

hurts you they’re showing they’re gonna discard it they’re not gonna care so you

need to set up that fucking wall with them there is nothing wrong with

building up walls with certain people if you can’t cut them out of your life

build that motherfucking wall stop letting them hurt you and hold them

accountable to their actions you can get to a point where you’re like I don’t

even give a fuck why you keep doing it you’re just not gonna fucking do it

you’re gonna put that wall up you’re gonna put your arm out and push them the

fuck away from you you’re gonna protect yourself like I said you need to be

understanding but you need to take yourself into consideration too there’s

an equal balance so if you give them the fair opportunity do what the fuck

you need to I have been in the position where I have begged people please do not

push me to the point that I consider myself because when I do everybody’s

fucked like I hate when people do that to me like can you please just consider

me can you please just not hurt me because once I take it into my control

you’re not gonna like it everything is gonna be done it’s tarnished the bridge

is fucking burnt there is no undo you will never get that version of me again

once I turn cold on you it’s fucking done but they never get to see that side

of me again they never see the side of me that has a heart they never see the

side of me that cares and that’s something you got to watch out for is

people that care a lot like I’m someone that cares more than most people can

even imagine and when I care about someone it’s more than they’ve usually

ever experienced but there’s duality in everything so the people you really need

to worry about and be scared of are the people that care very intensely because

it’s in contrast the amount that someone can care is the equal amount of how much

they can fucking hate so these people running around acting like they don’t

give a fuck they aren’t the scary ones they’re not the ones you need to worry

about they’re not that like hard to deal with it’s the people like me that care

so much and then just get pushed too fucking far but my whole point with the

boundaries thing is you need to do what you say you’re gonna do you need to have

those boundaries no means fucking no if you say don’t do this and they do it it

needs to have a consequence you need to hold up to it you need to like want

better for yourself and expect people to treat you better because you’re worth it

if you got a fucking problem with that go listen to my self-love podcast go

listen to my feeling valuable podcast those are all things that are gonna make

you feel like you’re actually worth being treated good alright I think I’m

gonna end this podcast off there I hope you guys learned something new I hope

this is helpful because I had a lot of you guys writing into my Instagram DMS

asking for an episode I’m like toxicity and toxic people I hope this makes you

feel a little bit more equipped with dealing with them but use your own ideas

that came to your mind as you were listening to this to make shit fit your

situation think of new ways to deal with shit understand more perspectives like

you got this you fucking got this but if you feel like no Leo I don’t got this

well I have good news because I’m currently working toward getting

certified as a life coach and I’m getting a life coach certification just

so I can stand on that I’m not gonna call myself a life coach I don’t know

what the fuck I’m gonna call myself but I’m gonna make it where you can schedule

one-on-one zoom calls with me and we can go over whatever the fuck you’re dealing

with I can give you insight I can help you see shit I can help you with

whatever you need help with so you’ll basically be able to like rent me for an

hour and my brain so you can use it for whatever you want but yes I’m gonna make

myself a resource for you guys so I can work with you one-on-one that shit I’m

so excited for you have no idea so that’s coming soon it’s gonna take me a

couple of months so I’m thinking like the end of May beginning of June I

should be finished with my certifications but if you have anything

else you want to hear about send me a message on Instagram I’ll link my

Instagram and all my social media and shit in the description of this podcast

so send me a message with something you want to hear leave me a five-star rating

please on Spotify or Apple podcasts whoever whatever you’re on you can go

ahead and throw that up there don’t have five star don’t put nothing less than

five stars okay it’s gonna hurt my feelings if you got something to say do

it in my DMS come cuss me out in my DMS don’t do it on my fucking ratings don’t

hurt my heart but that’s it thank you all for listening I love you so much and

I will talk to you next Sunday