Aware & Aggravated - 20. Why You Can't See Your Worth

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Hi friends, this episode is gonna be a fucking whirlwind. I don’t have a notebook. I don’t have this planned out

I don’t know what’s about to come out of my mouth, but I just need to get on here and vent a little I

Need to talk to my friends. I need to talk to the people that fucking get the way my brain works

because I

Had some real big like things to face last night with myself

And I have some realizations and bitch when I tell you I had my first like

Full-on

Emotional breakdown couldn’t control it couldn’t stop it panic like I had that for the first time

Since I can remember like I don’t ever remember having a panic or like what is it called?

Like it’s just a fucking breakdown. You just can’t stop and it’s just like you’re panicked and you’re freaking the fuck out

I don’t remember ever having that but bitch last night. I had that

Just because this fucking boy Instagram messaged me

Okay, I had to make myself laugh so I didn’t get sad but I

Had to be accountable and call myself out on some shit

Like I always preach accountability in my podcast and I want y’all to know I’d be the main one

Doing the shit like I do it too. It sucks for me, too. So I’m gonna go into the realizations I had last night and

Break some shit down, but I’m gonna be like vulnerable with you guys and I’m gonna be really honest about what I realized

and

Kind of like the lies I’ve been telling myself and I like I had to face some scary fucking shit

And I had to go into a lot of hopelessness and it scared the fuck out of me

So I’m about to go to Cabo. Oh, so when you listen to this, I’ll be in Cabo, but I’m filming this or recording this on

Tuesday

March 22nd, so like hi

me from the future

But yes, I have to pre-record because I’m going to Cabo with a couple friends for like a week

I had a whole separate episode planned like I had a whole

Fucking like thing I was gonna make and like have it done and be like cute about it

You know and just schedule it and let’s go

but after last night, I feel like I had the realizations and the awareness that I had because

it was meant to be shared and

I don’t even give a fuck if it was meant to or not meant to

What I’m about to say is gonna be able to help every single person listens to this podcast and I’m not trying to be cocky

I’m just very upset and I need to feel like it’s for something

But I feel like this will be a great way for us to kind of connect about her

You know, like, you know when you listen to a podcast and you just want to be like knowing the host like I’d be nosy

so I’m gonna get

Vulnerable with you guys and let you in a little bit into my life and what the fuck be going on

But there’s lessons in it. There’d be a whole fuck of PowerPoint

There’s a lot of things that you’re gonna realize along the way with me. So

Huh, let’s do this shit, I guess

so my first like

Earth-shattering fucking realization was about dating. So if you’ve listened to my previous podcasts

I’m someone that I just don’t choose to date. I don’t want to date. I don’t put effort into dating

I don’t try to date. I don’t try to find anyone. I don’t give a fuck about getting attention from people

it’s not something I care about and

I realized I’ve been lying to myself about that

like I actually do want a relationship and I would like to be in one and I’m down for taking on the challenge of

working with myself with like what comes up and the problems that arise like I’m

Willing to work through that and like grow with myself and with someone but for so long

I’ve just felt like I’m never gonna meet someone that I’m interested in or that I like like no one

Grabs my interest. No one can hold my attention

For more than two seconds, like it’s really easy to get my attention real fucking easy. Like I’ll look at people

I’ll give you my interest but it’s very hard to keep my interest like I will lose it in 30 fucking seconds

Not even I’ll lose it in 0.2 seconds. If you say or do something wrong, like I’m very picky. I’m very judgy

I’m very like

Guarded extremely fucking guarded and I’m not picky because I think I’m better than everybody. I’m tired of fucking being hurt

So I screen people

To like the nth fucking degree before I let you near me or let you close to me

Like I’m gonna look for every potential thing that could fucking hurt me before I let you near me

Like I keep people at a distance. That’s just what I fucking do and

I’ve told myself this entire time. No, I don’t want a relationship

I’m choosing to be single. But the truth is I’m so fucking hopeless and I don’t believe I’ll ever find someone

That’s why I’ve just decided. Okay, I’m not gonna date but I’ve kind of blinded myself to that

So when I look at the way I’m feeling about people in general

looks are

Important you got to have looks you got to be fucking cute

All right

But I require so much more than just being cute like you got to be with it

you got to be like mentally be able to hold a conversation with me which is a

task and a chore for most and a lot of shit as goes over people’s fucking head like I’m a very deep person and

It’s very hard to find people that can get to that level. They’re out there, but my

preferences and my everything that goes along with that like it just

Makes my pool my on my option pool. Is that the fucking word? I don’t know. It makes it so small

so I’ve just felt so hopeless like it’s not out there and

I

Realized the way that I’ve escaped feeling hopeless and feeling powerless is

by

Telling myself I’m making the choice to stay single

So I’ve been riding that fucking wave and telling myself that I’m choosing to stay single when in reality

I’m so fucking scared. I’m not gonna find anyone and

Telling myself I’m choosing to stay single

Makes me feel more empowered and more in control than saying I’m terrified. I’ll never find anyone

So I did have to call myself out on that and I had to own up to that and it makes sense and I understand

Myself and it’s worked until now because I can’t

deny and I’m not a person that does deny the way that I feel if I feel something I feel it and

The feelings of like wanting someone have been coming up and I’ve been trying to like dodge them like a fucking dodgeball

And I can’t like they’re just coming up and I’m like fuck. Okay, this is what we’re gonna have to do now

So like I’m the type when I have something I want I’m gonna go for it

But I’m having to realize a lot of things in the process of going for it and it hurts like fucking hell

But that’s not a good feeling to feel like okay. My standards are so high

I’m never gonna find anyone like that’s where I’ve been at. I’m like, well, I’m not gonna lower my fucking standards. I’ll be damned

I’d rather be alone. So that’s kind of how I’ve convinced myself is like, I’m gonna just be a single fucking dickhead, you know

but I kind of also convinced myself like what I want is not out there and

then this fucking guy on Instagram messaged me and

He is got a lot of followers like over 3 million and

He’s like so fucking attractive like so perfect

I’ve never like seen nobody look like that before, you know, like on Instagram like everybody look like I don’t fucking Instagram but like

My first thought was why the fuck are you messaging me? What the fuck do you want?

I’m very defensive and that’s one thing about me is I’m a petty fuck

So if people have a lot of followers or they’re verified or they’re famous or whatever it is

And they DM me like I have people DM me all the time that are like big and I don’t accept the message

Because most of the time they’re just trying to like

Sexualize me and that will make me lose interest in a split fucking second

So when people reach out to me if they’re like famous or whatever, I will never act like they’re a big deal

I will never give them the satisfaction of thinking that I’m like fangirling or that I like them or that

I think there’s something fucking special. I look at you like a human being and I play an ego game

I play a fat fucking ego game and I will some of the I die

There’s a lot of porn stars gay porn stars trying to fuck that are in my DMS

There’s a more people than you can imagine in my fucking DMS that haven’t even had like an accepted message. So

The people that I have accepted their messages some people are annoying the fuck out of me, but I can’t like unaccept it

You know, so it’s like I their messages notify me and I don’t like

notifications, so like

Whatever. My point is people that sexualize me. I don’t give a flying fuck to entertain your conversation

People message me all the time. Hey

Like guys will just message me. Hey, and I don’t even accept the message

What the fuck am I gonna do with a hey you dumb shit?

It just shows like you think you’re gonna come at somebody like me with the fucking

Hey one, you ain’t cute enough to be doing that and two I need more mental stimulation. You better make me fucking giggle

Okay, within the first two seconds of me reading your fucking message or I’m bored

I have no interest

I’m talking about like gay guys like guys that are interested in me and trying to like flirt and shit cuz I like all my

Pictures and I want to message me. Hey girl stay and fucking requested. I don’t fuck with that as boring doesn’t catch my attention

Anyway, that’s another thing that has made me so hopeless about finding

Someone is everybody is sex sex sex sex sex sex sex and I’m fucking sick of it

If you sexualize me don’t fucking message me. I don’t give a fuck who you are

I don’t give a fuck if you’re the Pope

I don’t give a fuck if you’re the richest person in the world do not

Motherfucking sexualize me. I will not open your fucking message. I don’t fuck with that. If you want to tell me I’m cute

I’m attractive. Thanks, but don’t fucking try to sexualize me right off the bat

The least fucking interesting thing about me is the way I look and how big my fucking dick is. All right, I know it’s nice

I’m confident in it, but that’s the least fucking interesting thing about me my body

it ain’t even that great like it’s cool good, whatever, but

My appearance is the like least interesting thing about me

So the people that go just for that I see how fucking stupid you are. You’re superficial and you’re dumb and that’s all I’ve been like

Interacting with is these dumbass fucking people. So that’s just shot my hope down for thinking

I’m gonna find someone any like way worse, you know

But back to this boy that messaged me

He fucking messages me and sends me one of my life coach tick tocks and like where I’m talking about

Validating yourself and like repairing your relationship with yourself and

He sent me a message

Acknowledging something that I was saying and saying that he appreciated it

That is the only reason I fucking responded to him. But my first thought was still motherfucker

Why are you messaging me? Like look at you and look at me. Why the fuck are you messaging me?

I messaged him back and then we ended up like

Messaging all fucking day and

Something I don’t do is get giddy over people. I don’t get excited by anybody. I don’t get fucking I don’t look for nobody’s message

I don’t give a fuck like I’m not impressed by anybody

I don’t give two shits

But this boy had me giddy as fuck and like the conversation we were holding was so cute and we were just like bantering back

And forth but like homeboys with it and he did not fucking sexualize me one time

He complimented me and made sure that I knew he like he thought I was attractive

He did great on that and I did it back like I reciprocated it because I fucking like his ass, duh

but the conversation never went sexual and

That’s what kept both of us

Interested because we even talked about it. Like I’m dealing with being sexualized on a smaller scale than he is

Like I can’t imagine how fucking hopeless he’s feeling

Because he’s got it at such a bigger scale than me, but he’s also aware like pretty people that are fucking asleep. Whatever

You’ll wake up in time, but someone that’s aware that’s experiencing all this

I can’t just can’t imagine how hopeless he is because I’m only getting like a tiny bit

Compared to what the fuck he’s getting like that stressed me out to just think about it

but he’s feeling the exact same fucking way I’m feeling and everything about me in that moment and

like my worth and my value was reflected to me and

That’s what caused me to have the full fucking breakdown was I did not know what to do and I fucking

panicked like he doesn’t know this and I hope he never fuckers listens to this goddamn podcast, but this man has

Changed me and given me something I will cherish forever like the realization

I had like even if he fucking goes to me and we never talk again or

Whatever like I don’t give a fuck because what I’ve taken from it and the like the gift he gave me of validating

my worth was like I would give anything for it and

I will always be appreciative of it

like I can’t explain to you how good it felt, but it sent me into a fucking spiral because

He was interested and what was coming out of my mouth

Like I said, I haven’t been experiencing that

So I grew up

kind of weird

With like school and shit. Like I was bullied really bad in school. But like even with like my family

I always felt annoying. I always felt like a nuisance. I felt like nobody cared what I had to say

I felt like I wasn’t important

I was just supposed to like sit there and shut up and like be to the side and just like

Shut up, you know what I mean?

so

It’s taken me a long time to even get to where I’m at now to think that people even give a fuck to hear what I

have to say to even think that what I have to say is valuable and that people would want to listen like I’m

It’s been a hard road with that shit. I know a lot of people deal with that

So that’s why I’m opening up about it

but

I’ve spent most of my life feeling like people don’t see what the fuck is in front of them

Like I was always able to see my value and how I could be so like

Useful to somebody and how I could be there for them and how they should like I’ve made it so fucking easy to love me

and

No one ever picked me. No one ever wanted me. No one ever looked like

Twice at me and I’m talking

anyone

so parents friends like that shit growing up was fucking like rough and

It’s not something you ever get over like it’s it’s something that you’ll never

Fully get through, you know, like I can heal from it

I can like grow from it, but I don’t think I’ll ever

Be able to like kick that like that insecurity is always just gonna be in me

But this is the first time I felt like someone has seen what the fuck is in front of their face

So he was able to appreciate my brain and the way I am

Immediately like he saw it instantly like yeah, I look the way I do like I think I this is the thing

I can’t even say I think I’m attractive because

Growing up. I fucking wasn’t I was ugly and fat and I got my ass fucking bullied. I

hate to even fucking say that because

People don’t understand the extent to where I was like with to which I was bullied

But I think I’m cute, but I’ve spent my whole life

Surrounded by people that don’t think I’m fucking cute. So my entire life was a fucking gaslight for a long time

It’s like I felt cute

But I was being reflected that I was fucking nothing and that I was ugly and useless and people were always like nitpicking shit. So

I’ve like I’m on a comfortable place with the way I look now like I’m confident in the way that I look I like

The way that I look I think I’m cute

It still makes me cringe to fucking say that but I think I’m like decent

But like I said when this guy messaged me I said well, what the fuck are you trying to do with me?

What the fuck do you want from me? And I realized in that moment

What I lack in appearance I make up for in

Personality and knowledge. So it kind of made me realize like I’m on this dude’s

level in a way

So I don’t look fucking near as good as he does

But I’m able to like compensate in other areas that

Make me worth talking to for him like he gives a fuck what I have to say

He sees how I’m valuable and is able to appreciate me like this is the first time

I feel like a motherfucker is standing in front of me and can like

See what’s in front of them?

It’s the nicest feeling but it’s the biggest mind fuck. So

my whole like breakdown about

realizing all of this it’s like I was already feeling hopeless and

I was never gonna find anyone, you know with my standards already set where they were

And my standards weren’t even that fucking high

but after interacting with this guy and being appreciated by someone that I think highly of

I’m no longer gonna be able to be impressed by the standards I had already set

Now the standards have skyrocketed

When I realized that like I’m never gonna be impressed by anyone ever fucking again unless you’re on his level

But people on his level are like once in a lifetime that are aware

Everybody’s fucking hot. Everybody has fucking money nowadays, but he’s talented and he’s fucking with it mentally and he’s hot like he’s

All of it and it’s like to come across that it’s like I already thought I was doomed of before

but now I just experienced like

What I really should fucking be trying to get and

Not like it was just an impending sense of fucking doom. Like I just felt like

isolation utter hopelessness

like anything I felt before was times a hundred and it was like right in front of my face and I broke the fuck down and

I could not stop like it’s kind of a curse. It’s such a curse to be

attractive and

Be aware because someone like him

He is surrounded by pretty people from what he does

He like his modeling shit like he’s surrounded by pretty fucking people by rich people

by like all these fucking people all the time and

He’s still looking for

Someone like me like I am about to fucking start crying again like a bitch. We’re not gonna fucking do that

He’s around all these hot people and successful people all the time, but he’s still looking for more

He’s looking for exactly what I’m looking for in like a person and it’s just fucking insane

and it’s so weird that I’m

It in a way like I’m sure there’s fucking better people, but there I go again with my fucking whatever shut up

I’m just still kind of bugging out. I don’t know what the fuck to do

I don’t know how to go forward from here, but I’m fucking scared

Okay, I don’t say that ever and like this boy messaging me it was like the greatest gift but the biggest fucking curse

because now I know it’s out there and

Now I know the people that are gonna like see my value and appreciate me

Truly are on such a higher fucking level than I thought and I’m just like goddamn

Like I am so scared. Like how do I get there?

How do I access those people because if they’re the ones that are able to appreciate me, how do I get to them like

I’m I

Don’t know how to access this level of people. I don’t know what to do

It’s like I finally see that it’s out there and I’m like, okay. I know that like it’s there it exists

I just need to be shooting higher. I don’t know where the fuck to shoot. I don’t know where to go

I don’t know how to even get in

Contact with them or like how do you even fucking know because like looking at his fucking page you wouldn’t realize he’s with it

But the only reason I realized he’s with it is because we’ve been talking

I’m just like damn but like anybody else I give a chance to there a fucking box of rocks

they’re stupid as shit and I lose interest in two seconds, but

Yo, like I’m just frustrated and I’m fucking sad and I’m like

Appreciative but I’m like devastated and I’m just like what the fuck do I do now?

what the fuck am I supposed to do now because I was able to like

Entertain people a little bit and like feel like yeah, but now I don’t give a fuck about anybody

Like if you’re not on his level

I’m like me like I don’t give a shit because like if I’m able to connect with someone that I see like that

Then they see something in me that I don’t think I’ve seen yet because

I’m still wondering like what the fuck do you want me for?

You know, like I get that I’m like with it mentally, but like is that enough?

I get I am like who I am and how I am but like

Have never felt like enough. I can’t fathom how it’s enough. I can’t fathom why the fuck you would want me

I’m just gonna be really honest with you guys. That’s the way I’m fucking feeling

so I guess

Like he’s seeing shit that I’m not seeing but it takes someone of a certain caliber to be able to recognize it

I I believe that wholeheartedly

but the other thing I realized about him is like the fact that he’s able to appreciate me for like the shit that I say

And how my brain works and he’s able to compliment me on my brain and the ideas

I suggest like it just makes me so much more appreciative

toward him and

It makes me want you even more like the fact that you want me makes me want you and the fact that you can fully

Accept and like appreciate

Me makes me want you even more because for you to be able to appreciate me

You have to be fucking deep as shit for you to be able to appreciate me on the level that he’s like talking

What the fuck?

what the fuck and it’s just weird because I

Relate to him on a lot of shit. Like we relate on a lot of things like we’re so different

We’re in two totally different stages in life. He’s so much more successful and like so much more

Everything but I’m still able to relate to him and that fucked with me. That was weird

so I’m starting to realize like there must be

something I’m not seeing about myself that

He’s seeing and now I’m kind of like opening up to like the quest of trying to see it

But I’m gonna have to let go of all the insecure shit that

I’ve been thinking and telling myself before all the behaviors that I’ve adopted and things that have like kept me safe with people that made

Me fucking insecure. I’m gonna have to get rid of those but that means I’m gonna have to make changes to myself and

Completely change my fucking life, which is isolation. It’s scary as fuck. That’s like

Anticipation of death for a human being like I said in the other episode

Connection is the number one priority for a human being so

Yeah

When you start to see your true worth

you’re gonna have to start making changes to your life and

Those changes are gonna scheduling fuck out of you because now that I think

Someone like that

Can appreciate me the people that I think have been appreciating me aren’t shit

Like I’m just gonna be really fucking honest. It’s like the attention I’ve been getting like now I’m even more unimpressed

I’m like, please you have no fucking clue

It’s just weird because my whole life

I felt like I’ve had important things to say but it was never reflected and it’s

Been reflected on my tick-tock and my podcast like once I started sharing

I started to reflect and it was like weird because like I said growing up

I never felt worth the fuck like I felt I could see how I was good enough inside like I could logically see

How these traits about me or how these things or how I could be good enough for someone?

But they just never picked me. So I was reflected that you aren’t fucking good enough

So I like stopped believing these things were good about myself. So now I’m having to like

Receive them and like reacknowledge them, but I was in the same boat of like, okay. I’m starting to see all these things

I’m acknowledging all these things in myself and I’m starting to see how I’m like valuable and I’m starting to see the impact

I’m having on people with like my words

but this motherfucker

Talking to me and genuinely taking an interest in getting to know me and just like wanting to have a conversation

That shit validated everything in a way that I can’t fucking ignore

Like it’s just so obvious in front of my face. Now. There is no second guess there is no

Be insecure anymore. Now. I have to step into the version of me

That’s like next like I have to step into this level up and it’s fucking terrifying

Like it’s literally

fucking terrifying

It feels so good that my worth has been validated to this

like extent and

It’s so obvious in front of my face that I cannot even second fucking guess it like it’s just so fucking nice

I just don’t know what to do now

Because I feel like once I realize my value and I fully just accept it and take it the fuck in

Any move I make

After I realize my value all the actions I take that actually reflect

The true way I should have been feeling about myself are gonna lead to isolation

Because the life I have set up for myself right now is not one that reflects the value that I now see

And I’m fine if I have to go back to like being alone

It’s just like goddamn like I just I see what’s in front of me

I see what’s gonna happen when I take this step up on this fucking staircase and I like

Go into the next level of myself the next version of myself

Once I do that

Everything changes because when you step up and you elevate you’re gonna see things differently. You’re at a different viewpoint

So you’re gonna see everything fucking different. I’m just fucking terrified. Like I know what needs to be done

I know this step needs to be taken. There’s just a lot of fucking baggage

I have to leave on this step in order to walk up to the next one and it feels

Like I’m being ripped apart from the fucking inside. That’s the way I can explain it

Like it it’s fucking weird dude, like it’s really fucking weird

But I’m just having to remind myself and reassure myself

this is my egos way and like this is your human fucking way of

Staying alive because if you see disconnection and being isolated as potential death

Everything in your nervous system is gonna try and fucking keep you away from that. So like I’m gonna have to

go against the internal fucking wiring of my brain and like I the way that I’m feeling is I

Understand it, but I can’t not feel it

so like I have to reassure myself as I’m like getting ready to fucking take this step that like

You’re gonna be fucking scared. It’s gonna be the scariest fucking shit

You probably ever do to like step into this next version of yourself

But

I’m having to like be there for me and it’s making me like strengthen my relationship with myself, too

but bro, like this is some next-level fucking shit and

I’m excited to see

What’s next? I’m just like stalling and I’m dragging my fucking foot to like not take this step

It’s like I’m standing here with like a bunch of fucking bags

And it’s just like weighing me down and I have to let them go to walk up the next one

But I’m just holding on to the bags

Like I just don’t want to drop them because I know I’m gonna have to take that step I’m not the type to

Gain awareness and stay where I’m at. I’m a type to gain awareness and move like I make the next step

I take the next fucking journey. Like I always that’s how I fucking am

I’m committed to growth no matter where it takes me once I see myself as more valuable and like my worth

I can’t ignore my worth anymore. So I cannot mistreat myself. So

Everything about my fucking life is gonna have to change

Everything the friends I have the amount of time I spend with certain fucking people my family

the way I let people treat me the way I treat other people how I

Prioritize my time and who I let fucking waste it who I let have access to me

the requirements are gonna jump through the fucking roof to the goddamn moon like

Everything is just gonna fucking shift and have to change and that’s a like it’s a whole uproot of my entire life

And I’m just like damn like I know what’s in store

I just need a fucking second to breathe before I like take that jump

I just want to thank you guys for coming along this journey with me of

Like the growth thing because I’m gonna change a lot and the people that have been with me

Since like the first time I ever got on social media when I got on fucking YouTube

All my videos are deleted. They’re all gone now

But the people that have seen me from that version of me when I was 18 19

You’ve seen how much I’ve changed

You’ve seen the fucking progression and the 45 different lifetimes

I’ve lived between now and then you’ve seen how committed I am to change and growth and I don’t fucking say the same

Where you leave me is never where you fucking find me ever

But one more sick fucking twisted goddamn joke about this fucking dude as he lives in goddamn, Germany

Like just slap me right on the fucking dick. How annoying you know, but I did have another realization about

the whole like location thing and when you want something so I

Don’t look at him living in Germany as a big fucking deal cuz bitch. I’ll move there tomorrow. I love him

I’ve talked to the motherfucker for like two days and I’m over here like I love him

I’m ready to move with Germany, but that’s how I fucking am

But in all seriousness

I just look at the whole like the location thing and the distance is not a problem

Like if I want it, I’ll do it like I’ll do what it takes

I’ll move where I got to move and like do what it fucking takes to get what I want

But it’s not even just about the boy

I had a realization about just something that you want when you want it bad enough when you value it enough

You will do what the fuck it takes

because I’ve finally

Encountered something I’ve wanted for so fucking long. It’s something I never thought I’d find that I’m willing to

Make it motherfucking work if it’s gonna even go that far like I’m just forward thinking and like thinking in the future

But yo, I’m not opposed to it. That’s the thing

Most people would look at that and be like, oh, no, it’s a deal-breaker like no, it’s done

I don’t look at it like that. If I want something I’ll fucking get it

I’ll do what it takes to get it, but it’s like with a relationship or anything else

Like I’m the same way

I’m the same level of like driven and ambitious when I want something like the amount of shit that I’ve done in

24 years

I’m gonna do a video on all like five of my career changes by 24 and you’re gonna shit at the amount of things that

I’ve done but

That’s for another podcast

Hi update. It’s Leo from Cabo

I am gonna fill you in on what’s happened since I’ve recorded because I need to it’s important information and I had another fucking realization

Me and guys stopped talking he said he was going to work on some fucking shit

He’s doing to like help build his new apartment. Whatever. He’s doing. He’s doing like some next-level

Real rich shit. So he like gave me a heads up. He’s not gonna be

On social media, so we’re not gonna talk basically

So I’m taking that as him politely being like I don’t want to talk anymore

Which is fine with me like I’d rather have some acknowledgement than just fucking ghosting

But and it made me sad

So I went into that like when someone doesn’t want to talk to you anymore like bitch that should be hurt

That’s shit

Like it doesn’t it doesn’t matter who you are cuz like I’m over here and I’m aware about a lot of things and I’m smart

But should still be hurting that should be hurting my feelings. It hurts everyone’s feelings like we’re all human

We all deal with the same emotions when someone doesn’t like us back

Yeah, it fucking sucks. So I kind of went into what I was so sad about and the realization I pulled out of it

Was this motherfucker messaged me based off of what he saw online?

So what he could see online was enough to make him interested

He has not experienced even the first of me because you can’t experience me

Fully through a fucking screen now if someone met me in person

I’ve never had someone meet me in person and not be interested in me

Okay, so the fact that you only saw me on social media you not wanting to talk to me anymore

I don’t know if he doesn’t want to talk or not. I’m just like whatever. He doesn’t he’s busy doing his shit

I take it as he doesn’t want to talk cuz I don’t give a fuck how busy you are if you want to talk

To somebody you will but if he doesn’t want to talk anymore, or he lost interest. I’m not mad about it

I’m not upset about it because that’s a misjudgment. You didn’t even fully get to experience me before you made your decision. So

You can go ahead and make that decision and I’m not gonna beat myself up for it and let it bother me

Because I know that there’s so much more to me than what you saw

so I’m not taking it personal and I had to like dig into the way that I was feeling to get to that and like

Reassure myself of like Leo. He didn’t get to see the full you

he didn’t get to experience you because

There’s so many aspects. You can’t fucking capture through a screen and I talked about all that shit in the dating apps

Episode I did but there’s just so many elements that he didn’t even get to experience but just me on

Social media was enough to catch his interest. So that was reassuring and that was nice

so I’m fine like I’m

No, I really am NOT upset about it because I have this whole new awareness and I’m focusing on me and all that shit

But motherfucker was in Berlin bitch, like what was I thinking, you know, like now I’m like

Fuck like it wasn’t even gonna go anywhere

I just got excited, you know, and then I got flooded with all these emotions and always fucking realizations

But yeah, I’m not letting it affect me

I’m not letting it like make me hurt my feelings like bitch. You didn’t even get to experience me fully

So I’m not mad that you didn’t want to keep talking, you know

Like you get fucking bored of people online like messaging is not fucking fun. I get bored too as shit

So I’m not mad at it, but I’m just letting you guys know like if you have a situation like that

Happened to you and someone loses interest or they stop talking ask yourself. Did they even get to experience me yet?

before you start getting mad at yourself and getting insecure and starting to like nitpick yourself and tear yourself apart of how you’re not good

Enough and what you said wrong and what you could have done like don’t stress yourself to fuck out over it

if the person didn’t even get the chance to fully experience you because

Their decision is a misinformed decision. They only got half of what there was to decide on, you know

So yeah, that was my realization on that. So back to my regularly scheduled outro

if this podcast helped you will you send me a DM on Instagram and like

Just tell me cuz I really want to know

This podcast was just for me to open up and like help you guys relate or

Just help you guys get to know me better and let you in because I don’t fucking let people in

But y’all my friends we’ve been through this bitch for 20 episodes like you fucking get me

Okay, it’s time for me to let you in

But yeah, let me know what you think

And if you really like the podcast the whole bunch you could leave it five stars on Spotify or Apple podcasts

You could do it like a little five star just hit it. Like just bump the button. Just hit it

Please take care of yourselves. Be safe. Be nice to yourself and I will talk to you next Sunday