Aware & Aggravated - 32. When You Miss Someone

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Hi friends, so I’m gonna go ahead and start this episode off with an apology

because I’m sorry for how this episode is about to fuck your shit up okay you’re

not gonna be the same after it your whole outlook’s gonna change it’s gonna

hurt your feelings about 49 times and I’m sorry about it these are all the

things I’ve learned about missing someone something missing memories

missing a certain time in your life we’re gonna get into all of it but it’s

just about like missing something whether it’s a person place thing noun

idea we’re gonna get into each little area but I gotta tell you some things

about how to navigate it and just a lot of shit that’s going on that you don’t

realize so like I’m unpack it all for you I am gonna be vulnerable in this

episode and I’m gonna give you personal examples from shit that I’ve gone

through and I’m gonna tell you how I got through it okay so the first thing I

want to start off talking about is when you miss a person whether it’s a friend

a sibling a partner a parent anything you miss like especially a goddamn ex I

guess the fucking worst thing it makes you want to fucking throw up like I feel

like a cat with a hairball like I don’t want to fucking be dealing with that you

know so I’ve only ever been in one relationship and y’all know that and I

avoid talking about that shit because of how it ended it ended in court it ended

as bad as you could imagine a breakup going like the shit that fucking happened

you couldn’t even make up for a goddamn movie okay like one what happened in the

relationship you couldn’t make up for a movie and then how it ended bitch oh my

fucking god like I don’t even want to touch on it I don’t even want to touch

that topic with a 10-foot pole like one day maybe when I write a book about my

fucking fucked up life I’ll include it but I’m gonna dodge that but I am gonna

talk about missing that motherfucker okay so this person did some of the

worst shit you can imagine to me and I need to point that out and I need to

like talk about that because it’s very important and you’re gonna get how I’m

feeling and like what I’m about to say so not too long ago I started to have

the feeling that I missed my ex and when I tell you I wanted to fucking rip my

soul out and light it on fire like you motherfucker how dare you make me miss

him you know but like it scared the shit out of me it scared the absolute shit

out of me that I missed this person like how could you hurt me this bad and I

miss you like I got so mad at myself and I got so frustrated with myself I was

like what the fuck how are you even considering this you know like I started

attacking the shit out of myself like how the fuck could you miss him and

honestly I got scared I was like no I don’t want to miss him like I don’t want

to deal with this like everything that’s about to come with this like it sent me

into a full-blown panic I was like I know I don’t fucking miss you fuck you

like I was like trying to convince myself I didn’t miss him and then I was

trying to tell myself I don’t give a fuck if you do miss him shut up like I

was just like I was literally being so mean to myself and I was being so

dismissive because I was so fucking scared I did not want to miss him

because I didn’t know what to do with that but after trying to fight it off

for like a week I finally sat down and was like you know what face it okay if

you feel like you miss him motherfucker I want a list then like I literally sat

myself down I was like make a list make a list I want to see what you missed

about him so bad write it out and I made myself write it out like I full-on made

myself write down every single thing I felt like I was missing about him and by

finally facing the fact that I felt like I missed my ex and like acknowledging it

and trying to understand it and going into it like I realized a lot of shit I

wasn’t ready for like I missed a lot more than I thought I did but after

looking at my list I realized everything on this list is just like shit that I

miss about having a partner and having someone to date like I know that sounds

so shitty but like it’s the truth like I was so scared to acknowledge that I

missed him because of everything that came with it but after I made the list

and I got very clear of everything that I thought I missed about him I realized

I didn’t miss shit about him I missed having a person and honestly that’s a

role that can be filled by any human being with a goddamn pulse like I’m

sorry to say it and I’m not dismissing the whole situation like it’s that

fucking small but I have not let myself get into another relationship but this

whole thing made me realize that I’ve been neglecting myself of that for a

while and it’s something that I would like to have again like I miss having a

person I really fucking do so deadass like make a list and full-on fucking look

at everything you think you miss about this person and then be like okay is

this something actually like special to the person or could like anybody do this

you know it’s the voids that you miss being filled that used to be filled by

this person like you’ll see very quickly the person’s not shit and even if you’re

like oh my god I was so close with them closeness if you break it down comes

from spending time with someone to feel close to someone you have to know them

you have to spend time with them that’s something that’s not just like easily

replicated if you meet someone new so you might be like oh no I was close with

them that can’t be replicated it can it just can’t be replicated quickly you can

feel close with more people you can feel close with other people it just takes

time and that’s something people don’t understand about closeness and feeling

connected to people is it comes in those tiny little moments that nobody wants to

fucking do like all the little monotonous things you did together all

the time you spent together the little things that you went through together

that’s what brings you close to someone that’s what makes you close with your

friends like if you look back at all the nights that you have with your friends

it’s like the little moments where you were up late talking the little moments

when you’re outside of a club because it closed and you’re like sitting on the

curb smoking a cigarette like you two just sitting there talking shit and

bonding like those are the nights that I remember with my best friend Genevieve

like when we would run away from the club when everybody was having a good

time me and her would take off and go get fucking food like and sit on the

curb and just eat it like those are the little bonding moments and that’s where

you find closest with people like it’s the tiny things that create closeness so

you might have felt close with this person that you miss but that’s

something that can be replicated it just takes time so you might look at like oh

I’m not gonna find that closest again you will it’s not something you find

it’s something that you build so once you realize that it’ll help you kind of

detach off that motherfucker you feel like you missed so hard so another

dynamic of someone that you can miss as a friend and I swear to God that shit is

worse like thinking back to missing a friend like bro cuz like with the

relationship shit it’s like you can convince yourself to move on and the

friendship thing you can do the same thing but it’s a little bit harder but

the main point I want to get across is you can miss someone and still not go

back to them so just because you feel like you miss them so bad or anything

really like if you miss a person place or thing or whatever it is you can feel

that you miss them you can have it hurt that you miss them and still not choose

to go back so one thing I do is I allow myself to remember the good experiences

I’m like that was cute like I let myself think about the times that I feel like I

miss but I don’t let myself say I miss this person because like with my ex

there are parts of the relationship and things that happen that I do miss and

that I do appreciate like there’s certain parts that were just cute and

like great like that relationship was the best of the best and the worst of

the worst for me so there are moments where I’m like oh my god I I really like

that experience or I miss this or I miss that but I do not let myself say I miss

him because in order to say I miss him that means I miss the entirety of him

which I fucking do not you can miss certain parts of someone or certain

things about someone but not miss others so don’t say you miss a person say you

miss a memory or a feeling save that but these are just a couple things that I

keep in mind to help myself kind of sort out how I’m feeling and what I’m

thinking and it makes it easier you know because the last thing that you want to

do is make yourself convinced that that person is what you want like you left

for a reason it’s over for a reason whether it’s you outgrown a friend or

you outgrew a relationship or some shit happened or there was a betrayal or

whatever it was like you don’t want your brain thinking of all these happy

memories to convince you to go back to them like don’t do that it’s okay to

miss certain things but do not say you miss the entirety of a person because I

guarantee you fucking don’t so allow yourself to think of it think of the

times think of these chapters in your book like these are memories in your

life these are times that you’ve had like they’ve built you to who you are

like enjoy thinking about them they’re fun don’t force yourself to think of the

negative experiences to to cancel out the positive just allow yourself to

think about the good times and be like okay I’m still not gonna go back I’m

still not gonna change anything just because of how I feel like if I know

that I’ve outgrown a certain friend thinking about times that we had I’m not

gonna go choose back into that friendship because I miss you for a

minute like once I come back to my senses once I come back logical I’m

gonna remember okay we aren’t a fucking match anymore like just let yourself go

through the process of experiencing the good shit you know what I mean like

don’t try to hold yourself back from that like yeah it sucks that it was that

with that person but just let yourself experience that little memory and then

keep your ass moving so the next thing I want to get into is another thing I had

a fucking almost breakdown about when I was like do I miss this place is the

place that I moved away from which was Pensacola so I moved to Houston I live

in Houston now I’ve been here for like a month and a half but like a week ago I

started freaking out because I was like thinking about my friends that I had at

Pensacola and the things I used to do in Pensacola and like I started to miss it

and I was like no the fuck you don’t like that aggravated side of me came out

again and I was like shut up I was like you don’t fucking miss it you were

fucking miserable you want to kill yourself shut up like I was so mad at

myself that I thought that I missed this fucking place so I learned from the last

time with my ex look at what you think you miss before you say I miss this

thing so I didn’t have to make a list this time like I just sat down and

thinking about Pensacola so I’ve always emotionally felt alone but in Pensacola

with all the little friends that I had I didn’t feel physically alone because I

knew I could call them at any moment and I could go be around people like as soon

as I want to call them and I have a couple people in Houston I can call but

like they’re always fucking busy or I’m always fucking busy it just doesn’t line

up but in Pensacola I had people that I could like go to if I wanted to be

around them you know I don’t have that here so it’s not Pensacola I miss it’s

not those specific friends I miss it’s the fact that I don’t feel like I have

people at my disposal for when I want to see them that’s the feeling I miss and

I’m about to unpack a lot more shit because with going out like with going

out in Pensacola it didn’t matter if I didn’t have someone to go out with for

the night as I knew so many people around the town and around all the bars

and clubs and shit that I could go out alone and still run into people and have

a good fucking night like I felt a sense of like comfortability and like

familiarity with everything around like I was familiar with all the places I was

familiar with the people nothing was new nothing was unknown like it was all kind

of like a sense of security because I knew what to expect I knew where

everything was like I wasn’t having to use my fucking GPS for everything like I

do here there was a sense of like familiarity and connectedness like not

even connectedness I don’t know the fucking word it was like comfortability

like you I knew I was comfortable there was not really ever an unknown of what’s

gonna happen so that’s a feeling I kind of miss because like going out here I

don’t fucking know nobody like I’m confused and I’m just like I don’t know

what the bars look like I don’t know the layout I don’t know where everything is

like if I’m drunk downtown I don’t know how to navigate it like I know how to

navigate it in Pensacola I don’t know how to navigate here and these are all

normal things that I’m feeling because I moved to a whole new fucking place duh

but the whole reason I’m bringing all that up is because the other night I was

sitting there and I was like I miss going out in Pensacola and as soon as I

thought that sentence I was like no the fuck you don’t like I used to fucking

hate that place like it was a weird I loved it but I hated it but my memory

was just like making me remember all the best times I was like oh my god I miss

all the people I miss the bars like I was just like being a little fucking

whiny little sensitive bitch the other night but as soon as I thought that I

was like it doesn’t make sense because I know I didn’t like it when I was there

but my memory is like gaslighting me like if I think back to how I felt like

I never fucking liked going out there the bars were shit the people were mad

fucking weird once I realized it’s the sense of familiarity and the

comfortability and the knowing people and then knowing where I’m at that made

sense so I was okay that’s what I miss and familiarity with the location of

Pensacola is something I also miss because here I don’t fucking know where

shit is like I’m slowly learning it like I know my route to the gym I know my

route to the tanning salon I know my route to the mall like but I don’t

fucking know shit else like I don’t know really directions like I don’t fucking

pick up on shit and like I don’t know and it kind of like makes me miss

knowing where I was going you know like that’s a that’s something I didn’t think

I would miss by moving but that’s one thing like I’ll gladly take moving here

over what the fuck I gave up like trust me I’m so happy with my decision but

that’s another point I want to get into is by feeling all these things and

thinking that I miss all these things if I miss label this shit and I tell myself

no I actually miss Pensacola it’s gonna make me think I made the wrong decision

and want to go back and that’s the opposite of what I’m doing like I’m too

aware to do some shit like that but my point is like if you mislabel something

it’ll make you second-guess yourself so don’t mislabel it like understand the

way you’re feeling first because when I say I miss the familiarity like I had

spots in Pensacola where I would go to cry like I would go climb the scoreboard

at the baseball stadium and go up there and have a cigarette and I would talk to

myself and I would cry that was like my smoke spot I gotta go up there and like

counsel myself and I would have like a little meeting with me I would check in

with me cuz like I was real high up in the air no one could hear me no one

fucking knew I was up there it was overlooking the water it was real

fucking pretty like it was just my little spot I could run away to and I

loved it like I always love having little spots like that I also had a dock

like my friend had a dock and I could like go out on the dock and sit on the

water at night and just like be by myself and just have a new place to go

like I love little hideouts I love little spots like that and I had this

one church that I used to always go break into I mean visit and I would just

go there when I got like emotional or whatever like I had these spots I would

go to when I wasn’t feeling like all that good and I just wanted to kind of

go explore be by myself or just I don’t know like I just had little comfort

spots that I went to that weren’t home and I miss not having that because I’m

in Houston now I don’t fucking know where to go I don’t know where these

little spots are it’s like I have to go find them but like I don’t know where

the fuck to find them like it took me so long to find the spots of Pensacola

like you just have to come across them you know but a couple places in Houston

I’ve tried to go like I’ve tried to go to a parking garage and like I want to

go get on the roof like of a parking garage like the top at night and just

smoke a fucking cigarette and look out over the edge and look at all the city

lights and look at all this shit but I can’t fucking find one like none of them

are open to the public and it’s so fucking frustrating because like last

night all I wanted to do was go fucking cry like I just wanted to go and look at

all the lights of the city and just cry and be fucking dramatic and I kept

driving up the fucking parking garages and at the top level it would kept being

locked off and I also had to pay to get into the fucking parking garages which

is pissing me off like God forbid I want to go cry in peace it’s gonna cost me

ten bucks and I can’t go the rooftop like fuck but last night was another

moment where I’m just like I miss the fucking spots I used to go to like I

miss my comfort spots because I don’t have those here and it doesn’t mean I’m

not gonna find them but I just don’t have any readily accessible to me while

I’m upset you know and also I miss Publix like grocery store oh my god like

HEB is cool Kroger is cool but like nothing beats fucking Publix bro like

Publix shits on everybody I’m sorry there’s just something about it like I

hate that it’s green but there’s just something about a Publix that like they

have everything you fucking need everything is nice it’s good it’s pretty

it’s like the target of grocery stores Kroger is like ugly as fuck okay why am

I talking about grocery stores oh my god Leo get back to the fucking point

also another thing I miss is like having good restaurants I know where they’re at

that I can go to when I’m kind of like down so one thing I like to do when I’m

down is go eat like bitch I love to just go I don’t eat out a lot but like when

I’m sad I’m like fuck it I’m gonna fucking eat and I’ll like go take

myself a dinner and I don’t know no place here and also like here you can’t

just show up looking bum as fuck anywhere used to I would like go to a

nice restaurant and I would show up like in a wife beater and look like shit

and I would just tip like 50% on my bill so that like I’m just like here like

you just leave me be like let me sit here and be ugly and I’ll ruin the vibe

of the atmosphere but like I’m just gonna tip you good okay so and I would

go somewhere in order like the most expensive shit on the menu so they would

just leave me alone but I don’t know the places here to like do that like every

place in Houston like you gotta dress up bitch there’s no like slum it like you

gotta fucking like dress cute all the time and I like that but like I don’t

know the places to go to that I want to have like comfort food you know like in

Pensacola like George Bistro was my motherfucking comfort place like I could

go there in some goddamn house shoes like a slipper and they would fucking

let me in because I knew everybody there everybody was cool but they had the best

fucking food and like it was it’s like a little pricey for Pensacola but like I

didn’t give a fuck like when I’m sad I don’t give a shit about anything like I

just want to eat but that was my comfort spot and I don’t have one of

those here so like I was missing a little bit of comfort you know what I

mean like comfort spots to go shit to do but yeah I just started to miss a lot of

shit like I thought I was missing a lot of shit was the thing it’s like I

thought I was missing a lot of things about Pensacola and as soon as I was

like did I make the right decision moving I was like absolutely not we

ain’t even considering that like I went into what I was actually feeling and I

came to the realization of like I was missing the familiarity the

comfortability the sense of knowing where I’m going the sense of knowing

people there’s everything that I felt while I was there like it was the

feeling states that I missed not the location or the people so as soon as I

realized it was the feeling states that I was actually missing I felt so much

better I felt so much more relieved because I’m like now I just have to look

for how I can create those feeling states here you know like that’s all I

have to do now like it’s real simple now but moving on into my last point the

last section I kind of want to talk about is missing a certain time in your

life or missing a certain memory so I can look back on a lot of times in my

life where I’m like oh my god I missed that like while I was going through it I

was like you this is the worst fucking thing ever but now looking back I’m like

oh my god like I would kill for that like when I was going through a lot of

shit emotionally and like all the shit with my ex and he was like fucking my

life up I was going out on the weekends and getting like blackout fucked up

drunk rolling on Molly every other fucking weekend I just wanted to escape

my reality like all week I would work and I would get my fucking shit done and

then on the weekends I would just let myself completely like leave my reality

I didn’t want to be in my head I didn’t want to think thoughts I didn’t want to

do shit like I just wanted to fucking escape it you know what I mean so I gave

myself that I started thinking back of like oh my god I missed that and

logically I’m like Leo you do not miss where you were when you were doing that

like you were trying to escape so hard because you hated how you felt so you

don’t actually miss that time in your life so what feelings do you miss what I

realized that shocked the fuck out of me with what I actually missed about

that was it wasn’t what I was feeling it was what I was not feeling that I missed

because back in that time I didn’t feel the pressure that I feel now because now

I have shit to lose now I have so much more going for me that I have to behave

in a more constructed way and I have to be a lot more strategic like I’m known

now like people recognize me I’m seen I’m recognized and I’m not recognized

for like some little bullshit like I’m not a fucking influencer like I’m a

full-on coach like I get people through their hardest times mentally so there’s

a certain level of like respect that has to be upheld with that like sure I show

certain sides of my personality and I’m goofy and I’m whatever but you’ll never

catch me out somewhere like fucked up out of my mind I’ll never do drugs in

public like showing that I’m like fucked up like I will never do that now

like I don’t I don’t give myself that freedom anymore because I hold myself to

a higher standard and really it’s like the person I am now like I don’t want to

do that anymore really but looking back I missed not having this pressure you

know like I have such an important job and so much is reliant on that and it’s

so much responsibility and it’s not even just my coaching business I have it’s my

tik-tok my app I have so much to uphold now I have so much to work on I have so

much to do and also I didn’t care about my job I had before like I didn’t have a

job that I truly was emotionally invested in like I’m so invested in my

coaching I love it so much I try so hard to do my best at it and like it’s such a

big priority in my life that I will not let anything interfere with it like I

will not let anything fuck with it like I will not get fucked up if I know I

have a call the next day like I’m not gonna let anything impact my mood that

will fuck with my ability to coach someone because the people that reach

out to me and the people that are trying to work with me are people that fucking

need me and I’m not gonna let them down and that comes with a lot of pressure

like I chose that pressure I like this pressure but I kind of forgot what it

was like to not have that and thinking back to that time in my life where I

didn’t have that pressure it’s not that I missed that time at all it’s just I

remiss I missed that little bit of relief and it’s like I was a lot more

carefree I had a lot less to take into consideration like I’ve grown up

basically like I’ve grown up and I have a lot that I’m working on and I have a

lot that I care about and I have a lot that I want to do and that’s just a lot

of responsibility and it’s a lot of pressure so it signaled to me like I

need to have more times in my life where I don’t feel like I’m under so

much pressure so that I don’t have to sit here and like miss all these times

where I was like fucked up on the weekends not caring about shit you know

so I just kind of use like those feelings of like I miss something like I

say about feelings they’re a messenger you feel the way that you do for a

reason so try to figure out why like the feeling of missing those days and those

times in my life like I look at it like it’s a message of I need to have a break

from the amount of pressure that I put on myself I need to find a way to

healthily like let loose and have fun you know but then I also think about in

Pensacola I had a couple of friends that were very well established let’s just

put it that way they were like highly known and I used to get to party with

them we used to have fun we would let loose and it was all in the privacy of

our own home or we would go on a trip together we would all just have fun like

I don’t have that group of people to go hang out with anymore and it’s like now

I need that the most like I need a house where we can all just hang out and relax

and not have to worry about our image we don’t have to worry about fucking

anything up we can all just go and have fun and let loose in the house you know

like I had that and now I don’t have that I’m just kind of like fuck cuz like

this is the time that I need it the most but that’s just another thing that I

have been missing I guess I’m just kind of venting this episode so yeah I’m done

rambling about that shit but the whole thing with missing someone or missing

something or missing a certain time in your life I just want you to kind of do

what I did like how I explained in this episode just look at why you think you

miss this thing what feelings are you missing okay what pressures do you miss

not being under like just take a genuine curiosity if you feel like you miss

someone before you freak out because that’s one thing I learned from

freaking the fuck out is like you gotta face it like don’t get mad at yourself

for thinking you miss someone no matter how fucking bad they did you it might

not be them you miss and I promise you it’s not like if you just question and

try to understand what you missed so much it’s never them I just hope I can

prevent you from going through what I did which was that period of like ah

fuck like panic like no you don’t miss them like I don’t want you to go through

that so I’m gonna leave it off there but if you made it this far in the

episode will you leave me a five-star rating please and thank you so much also

if you want to follow me on Instagram I’ve got everything linked in the

description of this podcast my tick tocks my Instagram my everything if you

want to work one-on-one with me and do coaching calls I will also leave the

application to become a client in the description so fill that out send it to

me and I just want to say I’m so fucking proud of every single one of you that

listened to this for going on the journey of self-awareness because it’s a

painful one it’s a fucking bitch and it never ends it’s the ultimate growth like

it’s the ultimate challenge and you never stop so I’m just proud of all of

you for still listening to this because I know how fucking hard it is but we’re

in this shit together I’ve got you but I just want you to know that I’m fucking

proud of you and I will talk to you next Sunday