Aware & Aggravated - 37. Why You're Never Enough

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hi friends so yes you read the title right but this is not gonna be an

episode of me just reading the absolute shit out of you why nobody likes you

nobody wants you nobody chooses you this is gonna be an episode about the

awareness that I’ve gained recently and y’all this shit hit me in the face like

I’ve been hitting the face a lot but this motherfucker rocked me okay like

ko this awareness about like took me out but I’m gonna break it all down and I’m

gonna try and make it useful for you guys too it’s not about what’s wrong

with you it’s just about what’s wrong with what you’re doing but one thing to

get is you cannot make someone care about you you cannot control if someone

cares about you or not but there’s a lot of shit you might be doing that prevents

people from caring about you or makes them not want to care about you and a

big thing with that is safety if someone feels like it is unsafe to care about

you they will hold the fuck back from that okay so let’s get serious for a

second because I have to do my Pisces cry boo-hoo cry cry shit and then I’m

gonna get into like breaking down the awareness but my whole life I’ve always

been the one that cares more like when it comes to people when it comes to

relationships especially when it comes to liking someone or even with

friendships like I always just feel like I’m the one that’s more connected to

them than they are to me I’m always the one that cares more and that fucking

shit hurts that’s a pain that I’m tired of fucking experiencing you know like

when the fuck is someone gonna like like me as much not even more just as much as

I like them like I’m scared the day that that happens though cuz bitch I’d be

ready to kill for anybody like once I care about you I will do anything for

you like you’re gonna leave me I’ll kill you but if you need me to kill for you I

will I’ve got you like I’ll protect you at all fucking costs but yeah that’s

just something I’ve always dealt with it’s feeling like I’m always the one

that cares more and I realized how much this has fucked me up and this is what I

want to break down because experiencing this has made me treat people a certain

way like if you’re the one that always cares more you’re the one that’s always

gonna get hurt more so you’re never just gonna like open the fuck up like who

does that like when you care a whole bunch who the fuck just like lets their

ego down and expresses that not me bitch I got a fat old ego so this game that

I’ve been playing I realized has been what is preventing me from feeling

cared about feeling like I’m always the one that cares more makes me hold back

how much I care like I don’t let the person know like I would never let

someone know how much I truly care for them how special they were to me and how

much I actually valued them like if I didn’t feel like they liked me back I

wouldn’t ever like express how much I did care like I would just care silently

and just get my feelings hurt but the main reason behind this is because I

would be scared that if I shared how much I truly did care that they would

get comfortable and relax like I want to feel special I want to feel like you

care about me and whenever I’ve in the past let people have me like you know

when you give someone a chance and like they feel like they finally get you they

get comfortable and they kind of just like fall back and they relax and like

they stop pursuing you they stop acting excited by you they stop really like

showing their appreciation for you and it’s just I don’t know that’s just kind

of how shit has gone but experiencing that I assigned the meaning to that of

me sharing how much I care for someone is what causes them to pull back from me

and laying that meaning over that situation is what has fucked me for so

long that is not the problem that is not what has happened and I want to give

that reassurance to everybody listening to this expressing how much you care

about someone does not make them like you less I promise and I’m so sorry that

we all share that because I know if you listen to this podcast you’ve been

fucked up in some of the ways that I have and I just want to give you that

reassurance because I have to give it to myself recently but this dynamic fully

fucking gets explained when you give an ugly motherfucker a chance like I swear

to God it’s like as soon as you give someone like lower than your league a

chance like the ugly one like if you soon as you like step out of your

standards as soon as they get you they be acting like they are some fucking

body it’s like bitch no that’s not you’re not the cute one so don’t act

like it I hate that like when you give a ugly motherfucker a chance and then they

act like they’re the cute one like you want to leave me on red no bitch eat

shit kick rocks now cuz now I’m done with you bozo like y’all that actually

pisses me off like when you give a ugly motherfucker a chance and they want to

misbehave no you come correct and there’s no room for error for you bitch

you’re already ugly but that’s another thing in the past that like fucked my

sense of value was like lowering my standards and then not being appreciated

by the ugly motherfucker or like by the person I’ve dropped my standards for

like you can’t even appreciate me you worthless shit are you kidding me but

that will make you question your own value like if people not worth a fuck

don’t value you it makes you question it and it’ll make you not feel good about

yourself so that’s where I got that whole mindset of like if they don’t

fully feel like they have me they’ll never relax they’ll always put in effort

they’ll always feel like they have to earn me and I’ll always feel valued by

them because they’re always chasing me but if you do this you’re not ever

actually gonna have shit that lasts like in order for you to feel cared about you

have to keep people at a distance like that’s not fair that’s fucked up and I

did that for so long and I realized like what I want is like to truly feel

connected and cared about and doing that is the opposite of what you need to do

to get someone to care about you because that’s just a false sense of security

like when you have someone at arm’s length and you give them no security

like they have you you got him at arm’s length and you have them just like

jumping at you like a fucking hungry dog and you have a bowl of food it’s like

they’re only there and so you give them what they want and it sets up that

dynamic and it’s not a good one like it’s not a fun one it never works

there’s no real security they’re never actually gonna like you for you you’re

never gonna feel connected you’re never gonna feel close like just learn from my

mistake and don’t fucking do that shit so like I said hiding how much you like

someone is the opposite of what you need to do to get them to like you and I

realized this because I’m like what would it take for me to like someone for

me to drop my walls and to actually like pursue someone and care about someone

and fully let them know how much I care about them and then let myself care you

know what I mean like you try and hold yourself back from caring but I was

asking myself like what the fuck would it take for me to open up and someone

showing how much they care about me is what will make it feel safe for me to

care about them and this was like earth-shattering for me like I feel like

I discovered a new fucking thing make me feel special and I will open up to you I

won’t play this fucking ego game like someone making me feel valued is what

will make me quit the game like I’m not gonna play the fucking game if I feel

safe with you and in order to make me feel safe with you you have to let me

know how much you value me you have to let me know how much you truly care you

have to be honest about the way you feel towards me and I will literally commit

to you in two fucking seconds like my judgment is so good of people I know who

to let close to me and who not to but playing this game and pretending like

you don’t fucking care is not the way to go so after realizing this I took a hard

look in the mirror and I mean a hard look bitch I had to look at all the

things that I was doing that made people feel unsafe to care about me like

I had to look at okay what would make me feel safe to care about someone and it

revealed all the shit that I was doing that was pushing people away so these

are a couple of things that I put would turn me the fuck off like this is what

would turn me off and this is what makes people not want you okay cuz this is all

shit that I was doing but this is all the things that made me undesirable and

made people not want me because they can feel when you’re putting them at

arm’s length and like I said the goal here is to go for safety and you need to

express how you feel about someone to them to make them feel safe to care

about you because that’s all everybody’s trying to do is prevent being hurt like

no one wants to care about someone they think is gonna hurt them so if you’re

keeping them at arm’s length and you’re acting like they’re not special they’re

not gonna feel safe to care about you and one thing I’m gonna point out is it

doesn’t matter how hot you are it doesn’t matter how perfect you are it

doesn’t matter how much money you have you can be the perfect person and if

someone does not feel safe to care about you they’re not jumping on the sword for

you now some dumb motherfuckers will some simps will but that’s not real love

they don’t actually care about you they just some people just weird in the head

okay but the people that are actually gonna care about you and actually want

to give you like a genuine chance they do not care what all you brings the

table how perfect you are if it’s unsafe like it doesn’t matter that’s another

thing to keep in mind because a lot of us are like why am I not good enough I

have this I have that I’m hot I’m pretty I’m rich I’m this I’m successful like

they have all this shit and nobody wants them bitch you’re unsafe it doesn’t

matter what you have and what you look like you can be the fucking most perfect

person in the world okay so let’s move into a couple of things that I realized

are pushing people away and some things that you’re doing that make you unsafe

and the first one pretending like you aren’t excited to talk to them or see

them like bitch the way to get me is to like jump at the phone when I text you

cuz I’m jumping at the phone too like I’m so excited to talk to someone when

I’m interested in them and if I feel like someone is not excited to talk to

me I immediately like put you at arm’s length like I get scared like that’s my

thing is like I spot unsafety so fucking quick so if someone is not excited to

talk to me it makes me like push you away so if you do that knock it off let

people know you’re excited to talk to them let people know they are excited to

see them and meet up with them and hang out with them like it’s not cool to act

like you’re not excited like that’s one thing that will turn me the fuck off

quick and I’m gonna talk about this as like my turn offs because I’m someone

that’s very protective of myself and so good at spotting unsafety and spotting

what will hurt me so the next one is acting like you don’t like them as much

as you do if you think they’re fucking cute let them know hype them the fuck up

literally everybody’s insecure I don’t want to hear it so literally just let

them know how much you do like them how much you do like talking to them how

much you do like spending time with them don’t act like you don’t like them okay

if you like them say it if you like them express it like be fucking bold and be

ballsy like just say it so when I do let someone know that I like them they

better match the fucking energy back like if you match how much that I say I

like you if you say you like me the same amount and you be showing the same

level of interest I’ll step it up and I’ll show I like you a little bit more

and then you show me you like me a little bit more and it’s back and forth

but if I start expressing that I like you and you hold back and pretend like

you don’t like me I’m done there I’m not letting you know I like you further than

that because bitch it’s a back and forth it’s a push and pull it’s a give-and-take

we both have to let each other know that but that’s another thing that will make

me pull back from someone is if I show that I like them because I always do I

have the balls to do that I’ll always let you know that I like you I won’t let

you know how much I like you out the gate but you get what I mean like it’s

it’s you’re gonna have to feed off of each other but if I show signs that I

like you and I make it clear and you don’t really do that back I’m gonna stop

okay my next one is making it seem like they’re an option and this one oh my god

this one gets me bitch this one fucking gets me like if I feel like I’m just on

somebody’s roster I’m cutting you off like if I just feel like I’m another

like person to you and you have a lot of options and I’m just one of them no

bitch I’m done with you I’m literally fucking running away I’m scared I’m

scared to get hurt okay I’m fucking running if I feel like an option so if

you make people feel like they’re just an option to you and like you’re not

picking them and that they’re not special to you it’s gonna turn them off

I mean if you’re just fucking like whatever that’s fine but if you’re

actually wanting like a relationship from someone like you have to stop

making them feel like they’re an option like you have to make it very clear that

you like them and you’re choosing them and that you don’t have other options

you’re entertaining like that is my number one fucking turnoff like I’m not

competing with shit that is a huge huge turnoff is if you make it seem like

someone is not special to you like that’s what will push me away

immediately so don’t try to be cool and act like you have a bunch of hoes in

your phone and I think you’re talking to all these people like I hate that shit I

literally hate that shit like if I think that you have a lot of people you’re

entertaining I’m no longer one of them goodbye I like to feel special I

literally like cut people off for that shit all the time like if I look at your

social media and you just look like you fuck with a lot of people I’m done like

if I’m looking at a guy’s Instagram and he looks thirsty for attention and he

looks like he’s commenting back to all the guys on his post and doing all this

and doing all that and like following back all these faggots like I’m gonna

get pissed like bitch no I don’t want no guy that’s for everybody bitch you’re

for me and that’s it I want to feel like you having my attention is special

to you I don’t want somebody who’s impressed by everybody I don’t want

somebody who wants attention from everybody I want someone who wants

attention from me but I swear like as soon as I see the first sign of like you

have a lot of people you’re entertaining I’m out so if you give that image to

other people you’re putting them off okay so the next one is acting

unbothered like things don’t phase you like you don’t give a shit or them

saying someone else is cute just don’t bother you no bitch that’s one thing I

can’t hide okay like if you compliment somebody else in front of me or to me

it’s a fucking problem now now we’re fighting okay now I’m pissed off not my

feelings hurt don’t fucking speak about anybody in a positive way that’s not me

okay I’m being dramatic but like compliments don’t motherfucking

compliment nobody to me like if I like you shut your fucking mouth about

everybody else I want to feel special no but seriously I act bothered when

something botherss me like I’ll let you know that’s one thing that I do

absolutely always it’s like I act bothered when someone doesn’t text me

back like if they ignore me bitch oh if you ignore me if you wanted to see me

you just had to say that cuz now I’m showing up where the fuck you’re at

you’re ignoring me uh-uh no but there’s a way to go about this that’s not like

aggressive I’m not saying let people know when shit bothers you like in a

negative way like yes do that but also let people know things bother you like

in a good way like I didn’t hear from you and like I like to I prefer to like

if someone reschedules like let it be known that you were looking forward to

seeing them let them know you’re excited to see them and let them know that not

seeing them you’re a little upset by it like you’re like damn okay like we’ll

reschedule and I’m looking forward to it like that alone is great another

thing I always make an effort to do is text someone after I hang out with them

be like I’m glad we hang out like I enjoyed spending time with you like just

something along the lines of that because whenever you leave somewhere

like leave hanging out with someone you’re both sitting there like oh my

god are they gonna text me just fucking text them be the first one to do it be

vulnerable if you enjoyed hanging out fucking say it if you liked spending

time with them say it just let them know that their presence in your life has an

impact and if you don’t want them seeing somebody else make that clear I’m very

clear about that shit I don’t want you fucking nobody else I don’t want you

talking to nobody else that bothers me like I want you to myself let me know

that you’re bothered when you’re bothered like I want to know that you

care because showing that you’re bothered shows that you care because if

you’re unbothered you don’t care so that’s a big thing like let me know when

shit bothers you and I’m gonna like you because I feel like you care all right

next time we’re gonna talk about that you got to stop doing is hiding any

sense that you’re attached to them like do not make it clear that you will be

just fine without them and that’s the one that I struggle with the most

because I just have that attitude like I am fully okay without people like I’ve

constructed myself to be that way and it’s obvious just from the way that I

talk the way that I talk about things the way that I moved with it I make

decisions just that’s just who I am and you can’t deny it like it’s very

obvious and my friend Dita told me something the other day when I was

talking to her on the phone that really like hit me and she said Leo it’s

dangerous how much you don’t need anyone and that shit like hit me hard and it’s

honestly what triggered this whole episode like this is what made me go

into everything and have all these realizations was her saying that to me

because for the first time I felt seen I know that I don’t need anyone like I’ve

made it where I’m okay without anybody like no one can leave my life and me

suffer like I might be upset emotionally but I’m gonna be fine like I’m able to

operate with a broken heart and that’s something that I’ve trained myself to be

able to do like I can still function I can be just fine I always have been and

always will be like I’ve been through some really really rough shit like I

know how to function with a broken heart I know how to feel like I’m dying inside

and still keep it together and keep on my fucking way like it’s very clear when

people hurt me like I let people know when they hurt my feelings and when they

like upset me but people don’t believe it because I don’t let myself break down

like I don’t let myself fall apart anymore like nothing can break me down

like that I’ve been through the worst of the fucking worst you think you not

liking me is gonna hurt me bitch it is but you’re never gonna see it like I’m

gonna seem unfazed because like I’ve been through so much worse you know what

I mean but if I’m gonna care about someone I want to know that they’re

happier with me in their life like I want to know that they don’t want to

lose me does that make sense if I feel like it’s easy for you to walk away from

me I’m not gonna get attached to you like I want security that it’s not gonna

be easy for you to leave me but I give off the vibe of like I don’t need you

I’m not scared to lose you and that’s one thing that I’m working through so

don’t hide that you’re attached to people it’s okay if you’re gonna be okay

without them but make it clear that you’d prefer not to be without them you

know because if I met someone like me who didn’t need anyone and that was very

clear I would be scared to care about him because I feel like there’s no

security and this really opened my eyes why people have always been so hesitant

to care about me like I felt it I feel it all the time I feel that my whole

life from everyone like everyone’s scared to care about me and now I fully

get it like I understand it on a deeper level people want to know that you’re

attached to them people want to know that you care about them and you’d

prefer to have them in your life people want to know that they’re not disposable

people want to know that it’s gonna affect you to lose them and that’s one

thing I’ve been working on communicating with people and it’s very very weird

like it feels so fucking weird I feel disgusting to let people know that they

would impact my life if they weren’t in it like I know it would happen but I

haven’t let other people know that would happen like literally let people know

how much you care it is so hot it is so attractive the main reason people love

other people so much is because of how much they love them like if someone is

obsessed with me I get obsessed with you right back like if you love me I love

you because you love me like it’s the weirdest fucking thing all people are

like that all human beings got that weird little psychological fucking

screw loose where we all just love who loves us so that’s the main thing I’ve

been neglecting all these years is like to letting people know how much I care

about them and how much I do need them like I need people I don’t want to say I

need people because I don’t like I have I have resistance to even say I need

people because I know that I don’t but I prefer you like I’d prefer to have you

in my life I’d rather have you than not have you is what I’ve started

communicating and I’ve stopped communicating and making it clear that I

don’t fucking need you like that’s for me to know you know I guess just for me

to have like you don’t need to know that I don’t need you and that I’ll be just

fine without you like I will never tell someone that and I need to stop giving

that image like I need to stop acting like I won’t be affected because I am

affected by a lot a lot of things fuck with me and a lot of things hurt me but

I just know how to handle it so well like I’ve I’ve built that I’ve learned

that but when people don’t see you have any like reaction to them leaving it’s

like it makes them question their value it makes them question how much did you

actually care about them you know like it’s the whole safety thing but that’s

the other thing is if you make someone question if you value them or not

they’re not gonna want you they’re not gonna pursue you at least I fucking won’t

like I won’t pursue somebody like that like if I can’t see how I contribute

value to you and I can’t see how I like make you feel good there’s no safety for

me to stay there like there’s no what is the better word for it cuz safety is

like it but I need a better descriptive word I guess it’s like seeing that you

meet needs for them like seeing that you bring them happiness and that you benefit

their life that’s my reassurance that you’re gonna keep me around when I can

see how you’re attached to me when I can see how I’m of use to you and you

like having me around it makes me feel secure it makes me feel like I’m okay to

care about you because people hold on to things that are valuable to them like

think about it anything that you care about a lot or you value whether it’s a

fucking physical thing or a person or whatever like you hold on to it like you

don’t want to lose it so by making someone feel valued it’s sending them

the message that you’re gonna hold on to them but one more thing I want to say

about all of this is if you want to give something a shot with someone you

have to fully be open and honest about the way that you feel if you play this

fucking ego game of pretending like you don’t care when you do you’re always

gonna look back with regret like if there’s any chance of a relationship

going somewhere with someone you have to give it a full shot and giving it a full

shot means making it very clear how much this person actually means to you and

how much you actually care about them it’s not a real shot if you’re not

honest like that if you don’t give the full truth of how you feel you’re not

giving it a full chance to work and I’m someone that never wants to look back

with regret like if I’m gonna walk away from a situation it’s because I know

there was no fucking chance at it and in order for me to have that security and

like reassurance in my choice to leave I have to give it a full fucking shot so

now I gotta be honest to how I feel and I’m scared too and I’m not saying out

the gate go sharing how much you feel and like saying I love you don’t fucking

say that like it do not say I love you to someone before three months like three

months is still too soon I’d say six but nothing before three months and with

expressing how much that you feel do it like I said in increments like express

how much that you care and give them a chance to express it back you know and

then up it from there don’t just full-fledged out the fucking gate be

pouring your heart out like cool it you ain’t gonna do all that but this might

be different for everybody like everybody listening just look at what

makes you feel safe to care about someone and then do that for other

people allow them to feel safe to care about you and you will start to feel a

lot more cared about by people it can’t not happen we are on this journey

together it is not a fun one it is not a fucking pleasant one all right this

sucks okay this is scary it feels like hell but we’re all gonna be okay and

this is definitely like the number one thing I can give you to make people want

you and care about you more like this is what will increase your odds 100% and

it’s not cute to not care that’s one more thing I just want to say it’s not

fucking cute to not care about things like it’s very attractive to care it is

very hot to care like it’s so hot for someone to let their guard down like for

someone to be brave as fuck like it’s not tough to keep everyone in the

distance so you don’t get hurt like it’s so much more tough to take the chance of

being hurt and knowing you’re gonna be okay and dealing with it and facing it

and like moving on from that that’s hot that’s tough that’s real tough stuff

bitch we’re not doing no more pussy shit of hiding how we feel and not making

people feel cared about okay like if you want to feel cared about you got to

take that fucking step and do it too but honestly that’s one thing that is so

funny is everybody operates like that everybody acts like it’s cool to not

care but that’s actually being such a fucking pussy like that is so chicken

shit to do like everybody running around actually they don’t care about you they

act like they have hoes it’s like y’all are the most unfulfilled unsatisfied

scared to be hurt ass can’t handle heartbreak ass bitches and that’s why

hookup culture is so prevalent now because that’s people’s sense of

connection you get to feel connected to somebody while you’re having sex or

hooking up and then you get to detach like there’s nothing there there’s no

fear of being hurt but hookup culture that’s a whole other fucking podcast

that was so babe there’s a lot to break down with that like it’s so fucking

funny but it is sad how our society is like built on it like that’s the norm

for my generation is to act like you don’t go fuck everyone thinks that’s

what’s keeping them safe but it’s actually preventing you from ever

actually feeling loved which is painful as fuck I’m living it but really after I

started looking at this like I’m looking around that everybody and I’d be judging

them but you can actually see how hurt everybody is and how scared everybody is

to be hurt once you can see and like break down this behavior like everybody

is just running around so scared of pain I’m telling you this realization has

changed the way I look at everyone and everything like it’s so sad honestly

like that’s the word like I want to say it’s funny but it’s actually so sad

because everybody is so much more see-through than you realize like I see

through a lot of things but this is just one of them where you can read through

someone’s behavior and the way that they’re actually acting is out of fear

they’re not acting cuz they’re tough and they’re cool like they’re fucking scared

but I’m gonna leave you off there I hope you enjoyed this episode I hope you take

something away from it if you have experienced the same thing that I’ve

experienced of always feeling like you’re the one that cares more I’m

sorry babe but I wanted to make sure I revealed this in this episode so that

you don’t feel alone because people don’t fucking say that like I haven’t

heard anyone else say that so I know that there’s other people out there that

feel like that so I just wanted to share it so that you feel connected to babe

you’re not alone I’ve got you I’m right here with you and in the future like

throughout my episodes I will teach you how to be okay alone like I will teach

you how to deal with heartbreak I will teach you how to deal with continuing to

function like I’ve got you don’t fucking worry anything I know is fair

game for you to know and that’s what this podcast is for is to share

everything that I’ve learned about this fucking shit show we call life okay

cuz they know textbook preparing you for this bitch like the Bible girl please

this fucking podcast is your emotional Bible I’ve had a really deal with life I

will put all of my social media in the description of this podcast if you want

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