Aware & Aggravated - 57. When Trauma Revisits You (My Story)

Hi friends, we’re starting this episode off with a shot and y’all know I hate

whiskey for the fucking life of me but I saw this thing about when you’re sick

that like the old-time remedy is like to take a shot of whiskey so I bought some

whiskey I took a shot last night I don’t know if it helped or not I felt good but

we’re gonna do a shot okay cuz I’m sick like a fucking child over here I’m all

like snotty and gross so let’s start this episode off with a shot and then

we’re gonna get into talking about trauma that still fucks with you and I

talked to my mom about this before so I have an example with my life and what

happened to me recently I’m gonna tell you my kind of story about how I kind of

got I don’t like the word triggered but I got triggered from what happened in

Berlin like I thought getting jumped in Berlin didn’t really fuck with me but I

had a situation happen similar that kicked my body into fight-or-flight mode

and I was ready to fucking go again with a group of like five dudes I’m gonna tell

you how I got through all that how I handled it whatever and then I’m gonna

tell you a situation that happened with my mom recently I literally had a full

call conversation with her before this because I wanted to make sure one she

was okay with me talking about it and two I wanted her to teach me how she got

herself through it so I could give you two perspectives about how to deal with

anxiety attacks your body getting triggered your mind getting triggered

like panic attacks anxiety attacks all that so let’s take this fucking shot

okay oh my god I hate this shit

it wasn’t the worst thing in the world it wasn’t good it wasn’t tequila okay

you better fucking heal me and save me now get out of camera we’re not doing a

free fucking promo I don’t know what whiskey to buy I just bought that cuz it

looks cute like with the drip on it I just thought it was cute you know so

let’s start off with what happened to me so I made a video about when I got

jumped in Berlin it’s a couple of podcast episodes ago if you haven’t

watched it go watch it if you’re not watching this episode on YouTube why

bitch I have this podcast on Spotify and Apple podcasts also so you can have

audio versions or you can have like visual versions but I invested a lot of

money into this fucking equipment so watch the video version but basically

what happened in Berlin was me and my friend got jumped by like five guys and

I didn’t think it bothered me I truly did it like I’ve been through shit like

that before I’ve been through worse than that like physical attacks and fights and

shit like I grew up fighting I grew up with a lot of shit grew up getting

bullied really bad but I truly didn’t think what happened in Berlin with

getting jumped fucked with me that bad but it was a traumatic situation and I

just thought I was like above it all you know so I didn’t realize how bad it

fucked with me until I was in Pensacola visiting my family and I went out so I

just came back from Florida that’s why I’m sick I’m fucking dying I went and

visited my family for the holidays but when I was there I went out downtown

where I used to go out in Pensacola and the situation that happened was I saw a

lot of old people I used to see I saw a lot of my old friends all the people I

used to party with and this girl came up to me and hugged me she was so excited

she ran up and hugged me and we like chatted for a second and then her

fucking straighty tough stuff ass boyfriend came over to me and tried to

do that shit where I like trying a big dick you like come up and shake your

and what’s your name like he’s a fucking hick so he does that straight boy

intimidated shit I play that game very well my straight boy act goes on very

fast and I will intimidate you right the fuck back I don’t back down no matter

how big strong scary tough I don’t give a fuck that you play with horses for a

living you hick shit oh my god cool it but this dude comes over being like mad

aggressive so I match it like bitch you’re not gonna play with me like that

so I kind of like shut the situation down I was like alright let me just get

the fuck away from this before it becomes a problem because he didn’t know

I was gay you cannot tell that I’m fucking a faggot by looking at me you

can’t fucking tell so especially when I’m out like I put on my tough exterior

of like let’s not have no fucking problems but the more you get to know me

the more I like sis it up with you you know but when I’m first meeting people I

don’t play that and especially seeing Hicks and people who when I mean by Hick

is like a redneck like a country motherfucker like they’re very

closed-minded they don’t typically like gay people so I try to like prevent that

from even being a topic of discussion like I’m very chameleon with my

sexuality I’ll let you know if I want to let you know or I hide it and keep it to

my fucking self he didn’t know I was gay so he tries me with that shit I got

fucking annoyed so I was like alright I’m going outside to have a cigarette

and I was with my best friend Genevieve so me and her go outside to have a

cigarette we’re standing out there minding our fucking business and all of

a sudden the girl that saw me came running outside to me like after a few

minutes like came to talk to me and was like oh my god hey I’m so sorry he acted

like that he doesn’t know that you’re gay and he was like just doing the

typical like protective shit and I was like no I get it I fully respect it I

just don’t fucking like him now it is what it is you made a bad first

impression I don’t give a fuck what the situation was I understand being

protective but you were an aggressive little shit about it there’s a way to do

it calmly that I execute and he just didn’t do it right and it pissed me the

fuck off so like I get it it is what it is the situation happened whatever then

he comes outside after her apparently she yelled at him and cuts his fucking

ass out and taught him to behave and told him to like be nice because Leo’s

gay he’s not a fucking threat you dumb shit but this dude is like almost my

height so they love to get pissy when I’m fucking taller than them and I’m

cuter than them and their bitch wants to hug on me but anyway he comes walking

out to me and he comes at me with some shit again he comes at me with a

fucking attitude and when he comes walking out the door toward me he comes

to me he’s like hey I want to talk to you and I said oh what the fuck do you

want now I’m standing there with my cigarette I’m like what the fuck do you

want now and I just look at him and he comes up and he tries to be mr. fucking

nice guy oh I just wanted to apologize and say I’m sorry like she told me you

were gay I don’t want to say names and she was like she told me you were gay

and I’m John I just want to come apologize like I made myself look like a

dick he like owned up to the situation and was fine but he was playing like

this passive-aggressive shit behind it like he was trying to be cool but also

being passive-aggressive still trying to be tough stuff and intimidate me you’re

not gonna do it fucker and then he went to hug me and I was like uh-uh I’ll

shake your hand but I’m not hugging you and he apparently didn’t like that so he

just like played it off and then he’s like the conversation died down whatever

and then he said some shit and was like and don’t try me like that again boy and

I said try you like what and his girlfriend like the girl that I knew was

like ah shit here we go cuz the bitch knows how I am like try you with what

bitch try you with what don’t call me fucking boy and don’t come at me with

no fucking attitude like that I don’t know who the fuck you think you are and

I don’t care who the fuck you are like he plays that little passive shit and

then I would match it just stronger and then he’d slip back and he was like oh

no like rejecting my hug like I just want to hug you I want you to know that

we’re friends now and I was like okay fine and at this point I’m just like

frustrated I’m annoyed with this motherfucker I just want him to get away

from me like just go I don’t care that you made yourself look a dick I have no

interest in hearing you out get the fuck away from me like you’re ruining my

night you’re ruining my time this is the first bar we went to the first bar the

start of the night is a fucking problem can I just have a cigarette in peace you

know can you just leave me the motherfucker alone so I’m standing there

talking to Genevieve and then someone that recognized me from tik-tok comes up

to me this guy he was like really sweet he was a country guy too and he was

basically like come up to talk to me about how what I’ve posted online about

being gay has like opened his perspective and he had an uncle that was

gay and it’s helped him understand him more and the whole family shunned him

and I’ve like helped him whatever it was super sweet it was super nice love

talking to him but he’s standing here to my right Genevieve is to my left and

where we’re at is like a circular seating thing so like if you’re at the

front there’s like it’s like a u-shape and I’m kind of like at this back corner

Genevieve’s right here and the guy that I know is right here and then the girl

that I know is kind of like near him talking to her fucking boyfriend and

there’s like a giant seating thing in the middle so there is no quick exit out

of this and I don’t fucking like that I’m very paranoid I’m very scared

everything so I’m already a little like all right whatever but I do have

Genevieve I have this guy that recognizes me we’re all friendly we’re

all fine and then homeboy had his brother come outside and introduce

himself to me he walks straight up to me and tries to do that fucking shit

that straight men do where they try and shake your hand too strong I’ll break

your fucking hand and shove it up your ass do not do that to me because I’m

gonna shake your shit back worse and you’re gonna look like a fucking rattled

little dog I don’t like that oh my god it literally pisses me the fuck off but

homeboys brother comes out and he does that shit and I just fucking look at him

in his face and then his friend comes out introduces me and now all these

people are standing around me and my body remembered what happened in Berlin

and I fucking freaked out like internally I started having like really

bad anxiety I started kicking in like all my like fear all my paranoia

assessing the situation I’m trapped in this corner

Genevieve’s next to me it’s a girl and there’s these fucking men around and I

didn’t see like the guy that followed me and like recognized me as someone on my

side I didn’t fucking know so I just saw a bunch of men around me and I was in a

corner and we already had that like underlying like aggressive shit going on

so my body freaked out my body remembered what happened to me in Berlin

with like a bunch of men around and all of a sudden there’s a giant fight and

you get kicked in the fucking face so I kick into fight-or-flight mode and I’m

literally like standing there trying to smoke this fucking cigarette like I

pulled out another one because this interaction lasted too long so I’m like

trying to like smoke my cigarette and I realized how bad I’m shaking so I just

held my hands down and I was just standing there and like I already saw

the situation for what it was my body went into full fight-or-flight mode my

mind was still logical but quickly after my body started freaking out my mind

started freaking out and it sent me into a fucking like panic attack kind of but

it wasn’t like a panic attack where it cripples you it was like a panic attack

of like let’s get this shit over with I literally was thinking in my head can

someone just do something so we can fight already just standing there

anticipating it was fucking with me so bad I was about to just swing on my own

to just start this fucking shit show and get it over with I just didn’t want to

deal with it I didn’t like the anticipation I saw the situation for

what it was my mind convinced me we’re getting jumped again so I was like let’s

just do it then let’s get it over with let me just fucking swing let’s just get

this party started bitch because standing there and anticipating it and

having my body ready and just being so anxious I was like I just want it to be

over let’s just fight but I look over at Genevieve and she’s like talking to

somebody else like in the corner and I looked at her and I was like I want to

get the fuck out of here and she saw it in my face and she was like okay do you

want to go inside and I was like yes so she grabs me and we walked inside and I

kind of like cooled off for a second and I just had to like walk myself

through everything and I had to calm myself down but I didn’t want to like

give away that I was like as triggered I hate to say that but like my body was so

triggered and I was trying not to give away how like antsy and like anxious I

was to everyone else around me I didn’t want to ruin their night but Genevieve

saw me like shaking and saw me like ready and she was like alright let’s get

the fuck out of here so we went inside found my sister and I just like chilled

for a second I went off to the corner by myself with my people and we fucking

just stood there for a second and then my other friends that I recognized

walked in and I was like okay but I want to run you through what I was telling

myself in my mind to calm myself down because a lot of you guys ask me how I

deal with anxiety attacks or like panic attacks or shit or like you have a

traumatic event happen and it fucks with you again I was basically telling myself

like I assessed the situation for what it was I was aware my body was reacting

the reason I didn’t just swing is because I asked myself is there an

actual threat right now is anyone acting aggressive is anyone doing anything that

you think is gonna lead to a fight and attack anything are you okay in this

moment and I said yes is there a threat no that I could know I’m like aware of I

don’t feel like there’s an actual threat but I was trying to like talk myself

through my emotions and I was like okay once I saw there was no threat I talked

to Genevieve and I was like I want to get the fuck out of here because it

doesn’t matter if there’s no threat or not if you’re triggered like that you’re

not thinking rationally it would have taken one crooked look from one of them

and I would have just went to town you can’t let yourself just stay in a

situation where you’re fucked up like that you need to get away from it you

need to get out of it so like yes there was no threat but did I want to get the

fuck away yes so I told Genevieve and we got the fuck out of there and I went

inside but when I was trying to calm myself down I was just like okay Leo

what happened in Berlin fucked with you more than you thought but we’re not in

Berlin you’re not getting attacked you’re okay you’re safe you’re with your

people around you just take a minute breathe go have a cigarette out the

other door which I did I went outside and just fucking chilled for a second

with Genevieve and I was like just cooling it and I just had to like bring

my emotions back and I had to like breathe I had to focus on breathing

because you want to bring your heart rate down when you’re having an anxiety

attack or when you’re in fight-or-flight mode touch your neck that calms your

central nervous system if you touch your mouth with something like a cigarette or

like you can literally just bite your nails or whatever it is it’s a pacifying

behavior that will calm your nervous system touch your neck hug someone like

I literally grabbed Genevieve’s hand because skin-to-skin contact with

another human being calms your nervous system and releases endorphins so these

are a couple of things that I was doing to calm myself down but I had to

reassure myself there was no threat if I wanted to get the fuck out of there

because I was uncomfortable that’s fine I don’t care about ruining everybody’s

night I don’t give a fuck what y’all want to do if y’all want to do it stay

here I’m gonna go somewhere else like you need to prioritize yourself and take

care of yourself when you are in that emotional state because it’s not a fun

one to be in it’s very hard so don’t worry about considering other people

when you’re not okay consider yourself but don’t be that friend that’s so

fucking obnoxious and annoying that every time you do something you have a

fucking panic attack get it together bitch hold your shit in and like hold it

together okay like you don’t want to be that friend that’s just always got a

motherfucking problem you know like I’m never that friend I can handle fucking

anything but when I’m having like an issue like that like Genevieve saw it

and like was like all right let’s get the fuck out of here but the thing I

want to explain with leaning on someone you’re with is people know what it’s

like to be upset every single human being has been upset they’ve wanted

comfort and haven’t had it so if you give someone the chance to be comfort

for you they will appreciate it and they will love it don’t feel bad about

voicing something to your friends about something that fucks with you and

bothers you like if Genevieve started having a panic attack I would want to be

there for her I would want to take control of a situation and get her out

of wherever we’re at I would like to take that pressure on because I know how

it feels to need it basically people want to be there for you and I promise

they do just open up about what you’re experiencing use your words as best as

you can if you can’t speak really because I know that like anxiety attacks

are very very harsh and you can’t like get words out sometimes so if you can

talk or communicate to a friend do it but another thing I suggest with going

out or like being around people if you have someone you’re close to warn them

and let them know and be like hey if this happens let’s set up some kind of

code word or a situation like something I can do to like touch your elbow or if

I do this certain movement or I say this certain thing it means get me the

fuck out of wherever we’re at so that you guys have something set up when you

go into a situation because the next night we went out again and we were on

the way out I told all my friends I told my sister I told everybody I was like

look if I say I’m gonna go have a cigarette that means I’m gonna go have a

cigarette I’m fine I just want to go fuck with smoke if I say I’m gonna go

take ten that means I’m overstimulated and something’s wrong so I’m gonna go

outside and so they know how to differentiate when I’m walking away

because something’s wrong or I’m walking away to go have a cigarette you know you

need to set that up with your people you need to do it and you need to bring

people in on it because forcing yourself to just sit there and deal with the

anxiety attack by yourself makes it ten times harder trying to be dealing with

what you’re feeling trying to calm yourself down and then also be aware and

considerate of like how you’re looking on the outside and who you’re impacting

it’s too much to take into consideration when you’re not in a logical mindset so

do things to take that pressure off of yourself and those are just a couple of

things that I like to do and all of my friends know whenever one of us is

freaking or bugging the fuck out you tell me I’ve got you I’m getting us out

of wherever we are I will take the lead and get us out and I had a big

realization around this when I was at a festival a few months ago and I was

tripping on shrooms I just love to look around when I’m on shrooms like I just

love to look around because like realizations just hit me in the fucking

head so this girl was standing up and like she was too far away from me to get

to her but it’s like basically when you’re waiting on a set to happen

everybody sits down where you are so it’s like a giant sea of people and this

one girl was standing up like looking around and I could tell she was like

panicking and she was trying to look around and couldn’t find places to step

to get out of the giant field of people she was just trying to like get out of

it but I had the realization when you are panicked when you are upset when you

are anxious if I would have just walked up to her or somebody would have walked

up to her grabbed her hand and said I got you and started walking even if I

didn’t know where I was going if I just grabbed her hand that relieves her of so

much stress and pressure because for you to be freaking out emotionally like that

and then still be trying to find a way out to go like get by yourself for a

second to cool yourself off if you just can hand that pressure off to someone

else it doesn’t matter if I don’t know where I’m going just the fact that

you’re holding my hand and I feel like someone is there to help me will relieve

so much of your anxiety trust me because as soon as Genevieve grabbed my hand and

got me the fuck out of there I could have got out of there on my own but just

having her there meant so much and it helped so much so that was kind of the

realization with my shrooms thing about an anxiety attack but with this girl

even if the girl was like walking her pace out of the people and someone

grabbed her hand in like they were still walking the same pace it doesn’t matter

how quick you get out of it it just matters if you feel like you have

support and someone with you to do it so it doesn’t matter if you’re going the

same pace it doesn’t matter if you’re helpful or not but just having someone

there with you and getting to let go of some of that pressure of trying to

figure out how to get out of where you are will help so fucking much trust me

just imagine it just literally fucking imagine it you’re having an anxiety

attack you’re freaking out I see it you told me you want to get the fuck out of

there I grab your hand if we’re in the middle of a club and I get you out of

the club just having me guide you just allows you to cool down and like it

gives you relieves you of so much so if you can set that up with someone your

friends with or close to or someone you’re with do it even if you meet a

fucking stranger at a party if they seem in tune if they seem with it if you meet

someone like me good luck reading it I don’t fucking know how to tell like I

don’t know how to tell like you could just feel people’s energy but if someone

came up to me at a pregame and was like hey I just want to let you know like I

don’t want to be the weird one of the group but I get really bad anxiety

attacks so like if I have something happen do you mind if I come to you and

I would say abso-fucking-lutely like I would set up a code word I would set up

a like a thing that we could do for her to communicate it like verbally and then

like a touch signal I’ve like get me the fuck out of here and then I would do

it because I know what it’s like to need that so don’t be scared to talk to a

stranger talk to your friends talk to anyone everyone knows what it’s like to

need comfort everyone knows what it’s like to have anxiety so they’re gonna

want to be there for you just trust me give people the chance to be that

comfort for you and you’ll you’ll be shocked you’ll genuinely be shocked oh

one thing else I want to talk about is my thumb I know it looks fucked up and

dirty and gross I’m sick over here so I was trying to make a salad earlier and

I’m like cutting up my lettuce and I sliced my fucking thumb oopsie but I’m

just trying to eat healthy take care of myself cuz I’m fucking dying of I’m sick

so I’m trying to like fucking eat good and I slice my thumb open but I’m not

putting no band-aid I’m just gonna let it bleed you literally I want to cut it

off like just do your fucking thing and leave me alone like why am I like this

when I get injured but anyway let’s move into what happened with my mom because I

just gave you a situation where I had people to lean on and the situation with

my mom she had no one she had no one to go to she had no one to help her she

know what a turn to so I’m gonna tell you how she got herself through the

fucking panic attack of everything that happened but I have to give you a little

bit of a background story of what caused it so a couple episodes back I talked

about my stepdad Josh and that’s who my mom was with at the time he used to like

torture us and physically abuse us in the weirdest fucking ways but one of the

main things that he would fucking do is he would attack us without us knowing to

prepare us like he was very protective of us but he would attack us to teach us

so something he did to my mom one night this is just one of the many fucking

things he’s did it to both of us like he got the weirdest enjoyment out of seeing

people in fear and knowing he caused it so with my mom one night she was at

Walmart and she walks out with her groceries and her shit she goes to her

car and she’s like putting shit in her car he came up from behind her put her

in a headlock and choked her out cold she didn’t know who it was he just

attacked her and like knocked her out and she said that she woke up sitting in

her car with all the groceries in the trunk she didn’t know what the fuck

happened she just knew like someone grabbed her come to find out it was him

but he always told her bitch be ready have your fucking gun in your purse have

your fucking gun in your hoodie you need to walk out of a store with your hood up

you need to be aware of your surroundings shoot through your purse

shoot through your hoodie literally do not ever have your guard down and then

he would test us after he would prepare us and this is something that he did to

her one night and nothing scared this man like this man was literally

invincible and he didn’t care that he had my mom like carrying a gun and told

her to shoot like he wasn’t scared of a gun I’d seen him get guns pulled on him

and he would laugh and still attack the person and beat them with their own gun

like he wasn’t scared of anything so he literally was like attacking her even

though he knew she had a gun on him and if she did shoot him he’d have been

proud but the same way he taught her how to be there and like protect herself

with the gun he taught me how to do it with a knife because I wasn’t of age yet

to be carrying a gun so he prepared me of how to knife fight and like protect

myself so he always made sure I had my shit on me and uh so the night happened

where he choked my mom out in the parking lot and then put her in the car

and left so that’s one situation but another situation he used to do to her a

lot is my mom is claustrophobic so he would like lay her on the bed and get on

top of her and he was like 6 foot 5 and like 240 pounds like he was bigger than

me I’m 6 foot 7 but like I’m like 230 now but like back then he was always

bigger than me we’re like around the same size now but he would get on top of

her hold her down until she would start freaking out hyperventilating and crying

like he would send her into a full panic and got enjoyment from it like he just

liked to take your fear and put it against you he got enjoyment out of

seeing that so he like would hold her down and not let her move and so she

would freak the fuck out and cry and hyperventilate and would like full-on go

into a panic attack like thought she was gonna die and there’s been a lot of

situations where he did like shit with me we’re like he would prepare me while I

was sleeping so like he would attack me while I was sleeping so that I was

always ready and he would like have a knife to my throat while I’m asleep and

wake me up and like expect me to protect myself but like he taught me how to be

on guard even when I’m asleep so I don’t sleep now like my friend Randy the other

day like I fell asleep at his house and I was on the couch because we were like

drunk from going out and I’m over here knocked out on the couch but Randy like

comes up to me with a blanket and tries to put it on me and I woke up out of my

sleep like kicking and like ready to like fight cuz that’s what I was trained

to do that’s what I was taught to do like I don’t sleep out of other people’s

houses I never fucking do but that’s like night I just needed to I was too

drunk you know what I mean but even my drunk ass like I was in that was

ingrained in me to be aware and be ready even when you’re sleeping and it took a

long time it took me getting my fucking ass beat a lot it took a lot of scary

ass shit with a knife sitting over my fucking face when I wake up or like a

knife to my throat or just getting beat in the fucking head to wake up it’s not

about me it’s not about that I’m just trying to paint a picture of what this

man would do and how he would fuck with you so he’s been dead for around four

years now and I need to tell you that because it’s important one of the things

that my mom wanted me to make sure I said was it’s been years but when a

panic attack happens it’s like he’s standing right in front of me because a

lot of the things that trigger her and the same thing with me a lot of things

that trigger her she knows it’s been four years she knows he’s dead but when

it’s happening and when that fucking shit hits you it’s literally like he’s

standing right there doing it all over again because of the way that you feel

so one thing I need to give you like background on before I get into my mom’s

panic attack I know I’ve given you a lot of background but just hang the fuck

on so my mom never wears clothes under her scrubs she never has she’s like

always been like weird about she’s like what the fuck that’s weird so scrubs are

like loose-fitting and I’m almost claustrophobic so she always wears the

scrubs and it’s like loose-fitting it’s comfortable it’s whatever and then she

works but the day she had a panic attack it was so fucking cold outside she

literally walked into work and was like fuck this shit and she left her

long-sleeved shirt on and she left her pants on under her scrubs so she puts

her scrubs on on top of her clothes for the first time and she went into work

and she said when she was working she literally started having a fucking panic

attack because her clothes were tight she couldn’t move and it started

triggering her from the past of like the claustrophobic shit and the shit that

Josh would do to her so she had a full-blown panic attack at work and the

way she describes it was she said her heart was racing she was like full of

fear panic anxiety her chest was tight and she felt like she drank battery acid

like that’s how bad her anxiety attacks get when she like gets triggered and has

to relive shit but she was really like freaked out and my mom is very tough

she’s a very tough woman and she’s able to handle a lot emotionally and

physically so when she gets overcome by some shit it’s a lot like she knows how

to manage it like there’s certain times well she’ll be able to manage it and be

fine and there’s certain times where she has to fucking take a Xanax but this is

one of the days where she had to take a Xanax so I asked her like how did she

fucking like deal with it so she said that she realized what was happening her

heart was racing she got into fight-or-flight mode she was having a

fucking panic attack so she went to the locker room took a fucking Xanax their

prescription shut the fuck up all right when you live with shit like this you

got to have something here and there I used to be prescribed them too because

of what happened with my ex and what happened with Josh and I like dealing

with all that I used to be prescribed Xanax for like when I had panic attacks

too but I don’t take them no more I’m like over it I just like to freak out so

she went in the locker room at work she took a Xanax and she took her clothes

off out from under her scrubs she put her scrubs back on she got rid of the

thing that was making her feel claustrophobic which was the clothes

underneath her scrubs so she got that off but that doesn’t do anything when

you’re already having a fucking panic attack like once it’s triggered there’s

no stopping it a big thing she does and a big thing that I do is we like to get

the fuck away from people so she went outside and sat down on a curb outside

and just was trying to calm herself down she said that she needs quiet when she’s

having a panic attack she needs quiet she needs no distraction and nothing

else to take into consideration like I said before trying to take other people

into consideration other things into consideration you need to get rid of

that shit like when you’re having an episode like that you just have to limit

it all so she went outside and the thing that she said that she had to do first

was like look at her surroundings right now and she had to start giving herself

a talk like she has to talk to herself and talk herself through it but she said

that she looked at the clouds she would look at the birds as they would fly by

because she says your brain you cannot stop it you cannot stop negative

thoughts but you can switch what you’re thinking and you can switch where your

attention is if your attention is on the memories you’re going to relive them and

she says the more that you entertain the memories of the situation that

happened like the more she would think about him attacking her the more anxious

she would get and the worse it would feel so you can’t stop negative thoughts

it’s like right now if I tell you to think of a fucking coke what did you

think of bitch a coke you can’t not think of things just because you tell

your brain don’t think of it you’re gonna think of it so she understands

that and she said her advice is make yourself have something else to think

about or focus on and direct your thoughts in a different way you can’t

stop your thoughts but you can direct them and if you want to try and come at

me and say try and meditate to stop your thoughts shut the fuck up i’m so glad

you’ve been through nothing in your life bad enough where you can just solve

things with meditation it don’t fucking work when you’re having a panic attack

okay so she did start focusing on her breathing and then she started talking

to herself like she’s the same as me like you have to talk to yourself you

have to get your breathing in check because your heart is fucking racing

like you have to get your breath in check focus on that and then she had to

start talking to herself and reassuring herself

focusing on the birds focusing on the clouds what you think you’re experiencing

is not real what you’re feeling is real but the situation is not happening

you’re not being attacked you’re safe you’re okay

josh is dead and there is no real threat like these are the things that she’s

having to talk to herself and tell herself like look around your

environment see with your eyes that what is

happening is not the attack that you remember

you’re in a different environment it’s a different situation you’re being

triggered from the past but it’s not happening again

and that’s what she had to reassure herself of but a big thing my mom said

is you’re gonna have to train your brain and this is something that she’s had to

do and i’ve had to do you have to train your brain how to

shift your thoughts when this is happening like you have to learn how to

observe what you’re thinking what you’re

feeling and then train your brain to pick different thoughts like if you

start thinking of memories of like her getting choked out by josh or her

getting like smothered by him she had to start thinking of other

memories with him because it’s too hard to not

think of the person if it was a person that did something to you

she started thinking of good memories with him and seeing him in a different

light and trying to do that and then she likes to start thinking of

things that make her feel joy like memories thoughts that make her feel

better make her feel good but the whole thing is is like while

you’re doing this you’re paying attention to your surroundings

you’re aware what you’re feeling is not the situation that happened it’s not

happening again you’re safe now you’re safe this time it’s like with me

thinking back to berlin and i’m over here like ready to fucking get jumped

i was not in that same situation i was like leo you’re not in berlin

you’re in pensacola you’re fine these people are not like attacking you it’s

nothing like that they’re just standing there

you have to reassure yourself and remind yourself there is no threat and you are

safe in this moment my mom did it by looking at the clouds

watching the little fucking birds fly it sounds stupid but it’s what fucking

works it’s what helps pay attention to the way that the

weather feels on your skin what’s the wind like what’s the

temperature feel your ass on the pavement feel your ass in your chair

like feel your feet on the ground literally touch yourself touch your hand

like i said touch your neck do something to like pacify yourself and

like bring yourself back to the moment right now of like okay

you are okay and you have to like calm your body down

and give your brain time to realize and fathom the fact that you’re not reliving

it it’s not happening again it just feels

like it is and don’t expect this shit to be quick like you just have to let your

mind catch up as you calm your body down but

this is the way that we’ve both found to go about it

so after my mom calmed herself down she said that she went back inside

back into work and she went into an operating room with no one else in it

because she didn’t want to go be around people yet she went in and just started

getting busy she started doing busy work and tasks

that didn’t require other people because when you’re coming down off of

like an emotional high like that you don’t need to be in an operating

room making life-altering decisions and being under all that pressure

she needed to warm herself back up to that so she went into a room and started

like organizing shit doing busy work and giving

herself a distraction and a task to do to divert her focus but also

nothing that was too like straining on like pressure so she

was just trying to distract herself get herself back adjusted to being back at

work she’s good she’s fine and then she felt

okay to go get back and be around people go back to work and go back in the

operating rooms and do her shit and one other thing that my mom says

that she does when she’s having really bad anxiety attacks

i know this sounds like a weird ass plug but

it’s kind of why i created it my app positive focus

she says if she just opens the app and scrolls through the quotes like if you

can’t get a grip on what your brain is thinking like if you can’t force

yourself to focus and think in a different direction

you need to be prompted go into my app and scroll through the different

questions scroll through the different quotes it’s gonna flip your perspective

and it’s not something that you’re gonna intentionally have to do all you have to

do is open the app and reading the questions will do it for

you because it is a lot of effort to try and guide your focus when you’re

panicking or when you’re going through it if you’re not really good at handling

it it’s a really good distraction for those

moments it will help you shift your perspective

and give you a distraction like i said so my mom actually uses the fuck out of

my app she loves it like whenever a notification comes through

of a quote like she’ll be like oh my god like if she likes it she’ll screenshot

it to me and send it to me and i’m like mom i know i made the app

but she’s so cute about it but she really does say that my app like just

having it there to scroll through helps a fucking ton but if you do want to

download that i truly think it will help you

it’s available for iphone and android the links will be in the description

check it out but you do have to be gentle with yourself you have to guide

yourself back through this and like i said

my mom has been at points where she couldn’t handle it

and she’s had to teach herself how to so these are the biggest tips that she had

that she wanted me to share and i wanted to share

and then i gave you some of the tips that i had but one other thing that my

mom said when we were on the phone is she said

it’s crazy because you would literally walk by us

on the street and have no clue what the fuck we deal with like you would look at

me and never know what i deal with and what i go through

you would never look at her and think that

but everybody deals with it in some way shape or form

and it is worse for some people and it isn’t as bad for some

but every single person you see has their own shit

has their own feelings has their own like chaos and like their own stress

moments every single one of us have them so do

not judge a book by its cover and like i said before people are going

to be a lot more understanding than you even realize

don’t force yourself to sit with that shit alone

allow someone to help you allow someone to be there for you even if they’re a

shit comfort person just be like just hold

my hand rub my back literally just stand there

with me when i’m freaking the fuck out because a lot of people don’t know how

to comfort they don’t know how to fucking do it like or they’re gonna fuck

it up and be weird make things worse but allowing people to be a space of

support trust me more people will want to do it

for you then you realize all of my friends if i turn to any of

them at any moment and said hey if i bug the fuck out we gotta go

they’re totally gonna get it they’re gonna be fine with it because they’ve

all dealt with similar things and i haven’t talked to most of them

about things that they’ve been through or anxiety attacks or panic attacks

or whatever it is but i just know and i fully believe they’d all be there

for me because i’m aware of human psychology

like you allow people to be of use to you and they like it

like if someone let me be the comfort for them when they were freaking out oh

my god like it’s gonna make other people feel

good so allow them that give them that gift to be support to you and be your

comfort i don’t know if that shot helped me

feel better or not i’m just hot like am i sweating out the fever or what

but that’s where i’m gonna leave this episode off we talked about a whole

bunch leave me a comment if you thought this was helpful and if you like this

video leave it a thumbs up and if you’re listening to the audio

version leave me a five star rating bitch don’t skimp me on the five stars

they’re important and also if you do download my app

positive focus leave that a five star of youtube because those help

so much more than you fucking know but all of my links to all of my things and

everything you can keep up with me everything you need from me will be in

the description so check all that out if you’re new here

on youtube hit the subscribe button but thank you for watching and i will

talk to you guys next sunday

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