Aware & Aggravated - 66. Doing What's Right Even When It Hurts

Is the natural sunlight making me look fucked up or is it giving cute like is it giving like yeah

It looks good, or we look stupid. I can’t tell hi friends

So this week we’re talking about how to do what’s right even when it hurts

And I got a personal example to share with you and the reason we’re talking about it is because I’m going through it

I met a guy

Recently and we all know that I do not meet people I do not date

I don’t like that shit, but I ended up meeting someone that I really connected with and everything was going great

It was peaches and cream and then I ended up having to cut it off

And it was a very hard decision to make so I’m gonna share everything in this episode about

Doing what’s right?

Finding out which decision is the right one to make how to make it and then how to comfort yourself

After cuz dealing with the consequences even when you do the right thing when it fucking hurts

That’s some people don’t tell you about so I’ve got you. I’ll tell you how I dealt with myself and cried

So before we jump into this my birthday is next week. I’m gonna be 25. I’m giving old fucking geezer

I know I look 40 shut up. It’s the trauma. It aged me, but for my birthday. I’m dropping a very limited merch design

It’s gonna be a t-shirt and a hoodie that say in Leo we trust

It’s only gonna be available for my birthday the 24 hours of March 7th mark your fucking calendar, bitch

Cuz I don’t know if they’re gonna sell out

I don’t know

We’ll see if they sell out if they do sorry

But it’s only gonna be available for 24 hours even if they don’t sell out so you only got 24 hours to get it

So it’s gonna be midnight to midnight of March 7th

The link will be in the description to get one if you want one

But I like the idea of doing something very limited for my birthday

Like if you’re around at this time like you get it like you fuck with me like that

It’s like we have like a little piece of like our like journey together. You know cuz my shits like blowing up right now

So it’s like I want to have a way to like know who was like

Around and I’ve talked about doing that design before and you guys love it, but I wanted to make it special

So it’s only gonna be for my birthday. I will be posting about it on Instagram and tik-tok and all that

So if you forget I’ll remind you but set it in your fucking calendar bitch cuz last time I did a drop I had

200 orders in the first 20 minutes and girl if my birthday is anything like that

We selling out

So before we jump into me talking about the guy

I’m gonna tell you a couple of really hard decisions that I’ve had to make in my life

Because I’ve had to do it a lot since I’m very young

this is a skill I learned very early on handling adult situations and

making very hard decisions from a very young age and the first one started when I was 12 and

I chose to move out of my mom’s house and move in with my dad

There’s so much take into consideration and to be at such a young age to have to do that shit

Girl, that was just the beginning of it

Because when I was 16, I moved out of my dad’s and back into my mom’s and then when I was 17

I moved out of my mom’s again and back into my dad’s house and

Every single time it’s such a hard fucking thing to navigate and it’s such a hard thing to do

And it’s a very hard decision to make because when you have your parents like that and they’re split

They kind of take it as like a betrayal or at least like one of mine did they would make it like this huge fucking

Betrayal of like picking the other one over the other

So along with making the hard decision of what was best for little me at the time every time I’d have to choose which household

To go to it came with repairing the relationships with my parents

So there’s a lot of reasons why that was a very hard decision to make constantly

But then my senior year of high school

I wanted a fresh start and I wanted to just kind of like say fuck it and change school

So my senior year of high school

I literally switched to a whole new school whole new everything and didn’t know anybody didn’t know anything and I did it

It was a hard decision to make but my tolerance for making hard decisions is very high and I don’t regret that decision at all

But it was very scary and there’s a lot of decisions people want to make it

There’s a lot of things you guys write in to me about and ask like what to do

And I want to share some of the hard decisions that I’ve made so you can get like inspiration, but also

Know that I’m credible to talk about this shit with you

But another hard decision I had to make was quitting my first nursing job and I went through nursing school

Graduated started working where I precepted so basically at the end of nursing school you work in a hospital for six months for free

Under a nurse, but you’re basically doing all the nursing responsibilities

It’s just not on your license

And then when you graduate you can go work wherever you want

Typically people get hired on where they precept and that’s what I did

so I started working with who I precepted with in that department at that hospital and

Coming to the decision to leave that job after

Literally like three weeks. I think I think it was like a month

I made it a month as an actual nurse there, but like when I was a student there it was way different

So I basically was there for seven months

I worked there six months for free not as like an official nurse and then when I was a nurse

I lasted a month and

Coming to the decision to fucking leave that job was the scariest fucking shit

It was like it felt like everything I worked for

To get through nursing school was there and I had to choose to leave it because I wasn’t happy with it

But honoring the way that you fucking feel will never bite you in the ass

But you can’t just blindly trust your feelings. You have to be very logical

That’s where I’m saying. I’m gonna help you with everything

How to make the right decision another fucking hard decision probably the hardest one I’ve ever made in my life

Was to choose to leave an ex of mine

Who was able to give me a lifestyle?

I’ve always dreamed of so like

spending a hundred thousand dollars a month flying all over the world eating the nicest shit buying the nicest shit like anything that you could

fucking dream of I was living it and

that was probably the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make was to choose to leave that person because it was leaving that lifestyle to

And a lot of people think that making a decision is just like oh you lose one aspect

There’s so much more that goes into it. I’m gonna teach you how to handle all of it

But that was a really hard fucking decision. Am I happy? I made it now

Yes, was I happy for the first year after I left fuck? No, it felt like the wrong decision

I felt like a fucking idiot

But I stuck to my values stuck to what mattered to me and got myself out of a very bad situation

Even though it was so fruitful

and then the last little decision that I wanted to talk about that I made was choosing to quit nursing entirely and pursue all of

My own personal dreams and desires and things and it’s worked the fuck out. So

Let’s jump in to talking about the guy I met you can tell I’m avoiding it

So when I was in LA, I met this guy and we hit it off from like the immediate moment that we met each other

It was like one of those

Like you just feel it and like the feelings was intense bitch

Like everything was just good. The chemistry was there the conversation was there the kissing was there like everything was fucking great

We didn’t kiss till like the second or third night, but this guy I met was like really fucking cool

we vibed very well, and it takes a lot to catch my attention and this motherfucker definitely caught it and

Feelings came to my Pisces I’d be falling in love in two seconds

But this was all heightened like everything I was feeling about this person and about this

Situation was heightened because it was someone I also saw value in it was someone who’s like in the lifestyle

I’m in and like doing all the shit that I do someone that gets it and like the way that we connected was just


weird like it was so crazy how fucking good it was and I’ve been single for the last two years and

Something that I was it like two and a half Wow two and a half years. It’s been what the fuck I was traumatized

But I truly forgot how good it feels to have someone you’re interested in romantically

Like just that connection and the feelings and all the romantic shit like everything on that front

I forgot how good it is. And when I got it again my picky ass who I am now

It’s like when I finally met someone that matched it

I was like what the fuck like it was nuts and it was just like I forgot how overwhelming and good it feels to have a

Person but basically we were compatible on all fronts like everything’s fucking great

But there is one thing about myself

I didn’t know fully yet and usually I’m into masculine guys. That’s my fucking preference. That’s my type

Myself is my type myself just shorter and you can have hair

But the guy that I met was not

Masculine and that was the only real hang-up that I had but I was so overwhelmed by how I felt toward him

I was blinded by it and it made me question if I even had that hang-up like is

Masculinity really something that I’m after because of how good I felt and like the way that shit was I was like I can’t overlook

It and I literally was like having to call into question. Is this even something I’m hung up about like it made me question myself

And what I like and what I prefer and what I desire and feeling so many things so fast

made me think I didn’t care about it and


Fully was just like in the moment and was just fucking feeling it and had a good-ass time

No, we did not have sex. Nothing like that happened. The most we did was like make out and cuddle

I don’t fuck like that and I make that very clear to everyone that I meet you don’t get access to me like that

It takes a lot and it takes me

Getting to know somebody and like a lot more than that, you know

It’s a commitment I made to myself and you don’t just get access no more. Nobody. I don’t give a fuck

But when I was in LA we hung out every fucking day I was there and then when I came home from LA

We were texting and talking on the phone all the fucking time and like four hours a night

I was talking to him on the phone and we were having like deep-ass conversations

And that’s shit that like gets me off is like when someone can keep up mentally

He could keep up and a lot of people are scared to talk about certain topics and deep things. He was with it

He liked it just as much as I did and I was so taken back like what the fuck like you mentally stimulate me

Oh my god, that’s hard, but also with that like having someone to talk to and

Feel cared about and feel checked in on and like having the excitement to like talk to somebody

That’s something that I didn’t realize that I missed. I forgot about that

Like I said, I’ve been single for two and a half years

There’s a lot of things that came up that I forgot how great they were and I forgot how strong those feelings were

but one of the biggest things that I missed about like having a person is

Someone to call when you’re upset and like get comfort like comfort from your partner or like your person that you’re

Interested in or dealing with that feels so good

I don’t know how to fucking explain it

But like I have plenty of people I can call I call my mom call my sister call my friends like I have people I

Can go to for comfort. I just forgot what it’s like to have like an



Comfort you and it’s good. It’s different. It’s nice

I didn’t realize I missed it. But now going through such a long period of being single

I appreciate these things when I have them even more. So this whole situation was just like too good to fucking be true and

I was so into it and I was like eating it up

But the way we communicated was so fucking adult and mature and like like I said, he kept up mentally

he kept up with everything and was just able to hang like the emotional maturity like the

Conversation style the communication like everything was just like on my level which is extremely hard to find

Like according to my past, I don’t know if it’s hard to find but I ain’t found a shit for a goddamn while

Well, actually I haven’t found it

It is hard to find

But basically he asked me one night like everything was great and he asked me and was like will you give me your word?

That if something comes up

Where you no longer want to like pursue things romantically and get to know each other like that

Just tell me and I said yes, like I’ll give you my word that if something comes up

I’ll tell you but I don’t see anything right now and we both expressed how much we liked each other and everything was so

Like literally fucking perfect, but I did give him my word that if something came up

I would tell him and then something came up

So one night we were talking he asked me if there was anything he needed to be concerned about

Dealing with me in a romantic way and I said the only real like concern that I have not that you need to be concerned

About anything, but the only thing going on with me

I was just honest about the way that I was feeling was typically my type is masculine guys

But I’m starting to question if that really even matters because of like the way I feel toward you

So like the only thing I would think is like once all the excitement wears off and the whole like overwhelming feelings thing

Settles down and we get more logical. Is that gonna come back up?

I don’t know but I will keep you posted and like tell you as I find out because I wasn’t fully

100% set and like okay. I like masculine guys

Because of how strong the feelings were it made me question it

But after we talked about it, everything was fine

Like the whole thing of like me becoming aware of shit didn’t set in till a couple days later

So I was still happy as could be love talking to him and like hanging down and like FaceTime

It was so cute after a few days my concern started to set in

About the masculinity thing because the whirlwind of emotions was calming down and like I was on a high

From going to LA and like everything that fucking happened literally life-changing

Then meeting him was a high and it was like all these huge emotions were like so up in the air and so much was

Going on in LA. I didn’t have time to process shit

so when I got back home and I finally could like check in with myself and like

for a second and like sort through what I was feeling and thinking my logical side kicked back in and

that’s when the masculinity concern came back up and I was like

Fuck like Leo like I really think you do prefer

Masculine guys and that preference isn’t wrong or bad. Like it’s just a preference of mine and it’s a desire of mine

It’s what I’m attracted to

I can’t fucking control what I’m attracted to and what I’m not because if I could I would I wouldn’t like men

but basically after sitting down and

Thinking and like assessing the way that I’m feeling like a separate from everything else what I like what I desire is

Masculinity and a guy if I’m gonna date you

So once I was certain and all that awareness hit me in the fucking head

I was just like god damn it because everything is so fucking difficult when you’re aware like when you are more aware

Everything seems more difficult because you have so much more to take into consideration

You’re aware of all of the parts of like the moving piece not just like your part

but once I knew masculinity was a non-negotiable for me a

big sense of doom and

guilt set in because I knew I’d have to end it and

I really didn’t fucking want to because like I said

It felt so good and all of the emotional feelings and the mental things were still there

It was just a matter of like a physical hang-up where I wasn’t really gonna be attracted

To him physically, but like everything else was connected and there and it was the weirdest kind of like mindfuck

where nothing had gone wrong and nothing was like

Bad and I still felt such strong feelings for him

It was just a matter of my new awareness and what I was gonna choose to do because of it

But the doom feeling and the feeling of like dread was like fuck if I do decide to end things

I’m gonna have to like cut off all these good feelings that I have now like having someone to talk to and all the romantic

shit that I talked about that I missed so much this all made me realize how much I missed it and

Now I was like potentially gonna have to get rid of it and like cut all that off that fucking sucks

And it’s not that going back to being single and like not entertaining anyone is bad

I like that because I’m busy but

This whole situation made me aware of a lot of voids

I didn’t know that I had and things that I would like to experience

So it’s like okay, I had this fucking void come to my awareness

full and

Then I have a new awareness that makes me want to change the situation and now I have this fucking void

I didn’t know that I had and I’m about to have to fucking empty it. Ah


So here was my thought process around coming to the decision around ending things or just continuing forward so

Basically, I asked myself. How long are you gonna be selfish now that you know, this person is not someone you would ever like fully date

How long you gonna be selfish because to keep going forward? Yeah, you get all these positive emotions

You get to feel all these things you get to have the safety of knowing it’s gonna end so you don’t get too attached

You’re gonna have this person getting attached to you and it’s gonna feel good for you

But you feeling good is at the expense of them. So how long you gonna be selfish?

how long you gonna allow this to go on because now I’m a fucking piece of shit if I let it go on too long and

When you truly care about other people a lot of people have a fucked up version of love and caring about someone

When you truly care for someone you cannot feel joy at their expense

If you know the person you care about is gonna be hurt or is hurt you cannot feel joy at the same time

That’s a giant disconnect

There has to be so much

Disconnected in between you for you to be on such different pages if you truly care about someone you hold the way that they feel

Right next to how you feel. So if something’s fucking with them, it’s fucking with you. So there’s not gonna be any you feel good

They feel bad when you truly care. So, you know, I always overthink things and I read too much into shit

this is where I

Read into the situation and got very clear about the reality of it because your decision you need to make becomes very clear when you

Face the fucking truth of it because in this situation what was truly gonna happen was I could choose to make myself

be okay with him, even though it doesn’t fit my standards and make him enough and

live with that and that means neglecting the desire that I have and living with that or

I can choose to cut it off and then deal with all of the painful emotions that are gonna come from losing all of this

Both sides are painful

Which pain that I want to choose and that is something you need to fucking get about making any decision

There is pain on both sides. You’re just not seeing one of them

So that’s when you feel like torn is you don’t see like the truth of each side

So when I looked at it like that

I was like fuck because it put me in a position of choose him or choose myself

I could choose to honor my desire and honor the part of me that is attracted to masculine men or I can

Discard it and go for him. It became a me or him situation and I will never fucking pick someone over myself again

Everyone can eat shit me and little Leo come first

I talk about myself like multiple parts because I fucking am me my little protector aspect. That’s another one

No one will come between us because anyone I’ve let come between me and myself and all the parts of me has

Fucking ruined everything and fucked all of us up. So I’ve got me and all my little parts and

No one’s getting in the way of that. I’ve made a commitment to myself a long time ago

I will never choose someone else over myself again, and that’s fucking standing until my day

I die unless I have a kid then they come first, but this is a point

I really want to fucking drive home when you become aware of shit like this and a decision

It becomes very very clear what decision you have to make

so I knew at this point like I knew I had to cut it off because for me to

neglect my desire and not take myself into consideration and choose him and force myself to be okay with it and

Have that void in me for the rest of my life is living out of alignment with myself and what I desire

like you’re supposed to live in line with your desires and what you want what you value and

For me to neglect part of myself is living out of alignment for authenticity and that is one of my biggest commitments for this fucking life

So after all that I knew I had to fucking cut it off and was it fucking hard bitch

Yes, and with realizing all this it put me in a whole different reality how before I was like

Oh, I might have to cut it off now

I knew I did have to cut it off because I faced the reality of the entire situation and it put me in a whole

New one my relationship with myself was on the line

My character and my values were being tested was I gonna act in line with them or not?

And you best believe I fucking did so I knew I had to call him and if I was in person

I would have done it in person because I would have given him a hug so that he knew

How much I did care and can feel it. You know what I mean, but I couldn’t so I would had to FaceTime and

I was so fucking anxious for the call and I knew what I had to do and I felt so bad because I knew I

Was gonna hurt him but lying was not an option. I don’t do that

I had to be very straight up and honest

Like I said authenticity you got to be fucking real you got to tell the truth

Even when it fucking hurts you or them and this situation it was gonna hurt both of us

Like I said, I’m gonna have to literally get rid of all these great things

I’ve just experienced and like the feelings that I didn’t know that I missed but also I was gonna have to hurt him

It was a double-edged fucking sword. But when my relationship with myself was on the line, I’m fine throwing it

We’ll both get cut and one thing about me is when I start feeling anxious

I’ll just do what the fuck I need to do

So I was so anxious for this call and I was like, oh I call my mom. I call my sister

I called like all my friends and was like, oh I have to do it and they were like

Yeah, you have to fucking do it

like this is who you are like act in line with it and I was like I’m going to I just don’t want to

So I was like, alright, I’m gonna call him tonight and it was like 3 p.m

And like as the day was going on, I was just more and more anxious about it

So I was like fuck it just call him now

So I text him asked if he was free and called him immediately was I ready?

No, was I fucking wanting to have this conversation?


but I just did it instead of waiting like instead of forcing myself to deal with that anxiety and like the all day long I

Wanted to like relieve myself from it. So I just faced the fucking challenge up front


Let’s just get it over with and one thing is he was having a good day

Like when he answered the phone he was having such a good day and I felt so bad because I was like fuck I have

To ruin it

But basically I told him

straight up and honestly

What was going on what I felt and what it meant like it’s not gonna go forward anymore

In a romantic way and I was very honest like just genuine and honest

I was sure I didn’t sugarcoat shit

But I said things in a way where he knew it wasn’t about him and nothing’s wrong with him for being this way

It’s just my preference. You know what I mean?

Like you have to be considerate and I wanted to make sure

He didn’t start beating himself up and I wanted to make sure anything he was thinking I could clear it up

Before he made an assumption or like a judgment that would hurt himself and then run with it

Like I wanted to prevent him from turning the knife at himself for like not being good enough XYZ

I don’t fucking like that shit

So we had a really good conversation and he handled it very well and he appreciated the honesty

But I didn’t ghost him and I didn’t lie and make up some excuse and I’m gonna tell you why

First with ghosting if you just like remove yourself out of someone’s life

It’s gonna fuck them up bad

and like I said

You can’t do something to someone if you truly care about them knowing it’s gonna hurt them and walk away being fine

so to go someone

Gives you no closure

It gives you no explanation and someone’s brain is just gonna run fucking free trying to find

all of the reasons why it could have ended or what happened or what was wrong and

If you are insecure your brains automatically gonna jump to all of your insecurities ghosting someone literally traps them in like

Hell their own personal hell of questioning over evaluating over analyzing and it will run your brain fucking stupid

so I didn’t want to do that to him and

then to lie to him and make some kind of excuse for like why we couldn’t be together or

why I wasn’t looking for a relationship or any bullshit like that is it would do kind of the same thing of like leaving him

wondering and

Attacking himself like why he wasn’t good enough or like if I was good enough

Leo would make time for me. So for me to just go about oh, I’m not ready for a relationship

That’s an excuse because if someone’s good enough and they value you enough

they’ll make time for you and I preach that shit and I stand on that shit, so I

Wasn’t gonna just say that because he would have been like, oh I was enough

but I wasn’t good enough to date like I wasn’t worth putting the effort into and I didn’t want him to have that because that

sends you on the scavenger hunt of oh

What’s wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough?

Why didn’t he like me that much and I also reassured him that this conversation was very hard for me to have and I didn’t

want to end things and I didn’t want to like

Lose the connection that we had because it felt so fucking good and like the same way he felt I felt and I reassured him

About I was like you’re not the only one hurt by this and it fucking pains me to say it

then I don’t want to do this, but I have to look out for you and

I don’t

Want to hurt you more than I have to like for me to tell him as soon as I became aware of it

Would hurt him a little bit

But for me to just go months down the line and let him get more and more attached and us keep

Like being a thing and like I’m over here kind of like detached because I know it’s not gonna go everywhere

But he’s getting attached. I’d have to fucking crush him in the future

so the quicker I could get it out was sparing him and

Me because you do get invested no matter how like long things go

but I made it very clear that my decision was like to look out for both of us and

Especially him and it caused me a lot of discomfort and a lot of pain to even fucking say this and do this

But like but I made it very clear

It was in both of our best interests and he really appreciated it

But honestly when you’re trying to make a decision about something when you look at the true reality of the situation

it makes it a lot less enjoyable because I was so blind with all of my good feelings and all this shit and I was

Just able to like freely just blindly run into it and feel all these good things

But when I truly sat down and looked at the reality of the situation how I’m getting enjoyment

But he’s on the line like his feelings are at the expense of me feeling good when you see that

It becomes a lot less enjoyable. You can’t just blindly just go and like feel good and be a happy dick

You’re a fucking dick if you go along with it, but you have to wake up

that’s why like

Looking into shit and reflecting is so important and going forward with all the new awareness that I had of him being at the expense

For me to just keep it to myself and talk to him like normal. It’s no longer gonna feel good to talk

It’s no longer gonna feel good to have him in my life

Knowing this shit in the back of my head because it comes with guilt like the longer I go along

I knew I was gonna hurt him worse. So even for me to just continue talking again, like nothing happened

He didn’t know what was going on in my head

But a relationship is a commitment to communicate speak the fuck up

Don’t get in one if you’re not ready to communicate

Even if it’s what’s going on inside you your partner deserves to fucking know because for them to get romantically involved with you

You’re both on the line

But I couldn’t have just kept talking to him without feeling guilt without feeling like shit and I didn’t want to have to deal

With that, but that’s where I said

I shifted into a whole new reality once I became aware of all this my life before where I was blind and happy was gone

Once I became aware of like my true desire

I was like fuck and like switched me into a new reality where I’m like

Shit, you know, there was no going back

There was no going back to what we had and how things were like once that awareness is there

It’s there and that’s why I always say awareness is a fucking curse

It’s a bitch, but it’s a blessing but it’s just hard to see it sometimes

But it’s really easy to try and just focus on the good times

and if someone is not aware, they’re gonna try and like focus on the good times and focus on how it felt when we were

first together and

Discard the fact that like you’re not into them physically for like the masculinity aspect

They’re just gonna try and jump back and think oh if I just don’t tell them I can keep having this

You’re checked out of the way that you feel if you can do that

but basically I had to accept the new position I was in and

Base my decisions off of that not what could have been and not what we did have

It’s like I had to get square in the reality of right now

Once I realized this desire of mine is not one that’s negotiable

It put me in a whole new standpoint and you have to make your decision based off of that reality

Not a past one not how good things were not what it could be

Not how can I talk myself out of this desire and make myself just accept him and like him?

How can I neglect myself to go forward?

Don’t waste time doing that shit when you want something you can’t not want it

There’s no way around it. Your desire is your desire for a fucking reason. You can’t get rid of it

You can meet it in certain other ways

But you can’t unwant something and it’s just gonna cause you more and more pain if you go against it

So the only option you have if you truly want to have a good life and be happy is to follow that shit

So I have one more thing to say and then I’m gonna tell you how I comforted myself through this situation

Cuz I boohoo’d like a bitch

Flip the roles if you don’t know what decision to make right now or you don’t know what to do about something

Flip the roles. How would you want someone to handle you if you were in the opposite position?

so like if he became aware that

He only likes feminine guys and doesn’t like masculine guys or he doesn’t like guys who are six foot seven my big ass

He’s like, oh I like guys who are short

what I want him to make some excuse and

Lie to me so it saved my feelings or what I want him to ghost me

No, and when you make up a lie to try and save someone feelings you actually hurt them worse

Like I said, you send them on that goose chase of like trying to figure out why they’re not good enough

What I appreciate if homeboy would have just came to me and said I like shorter guys

I would get it like I would fully appreciate that way more. So that’s another way

I knew I’d like needed to make that decision

I knew I needed to do it, but that’s just a good way to know how to handle something is flip it

How would you want to handle it if you were on the receiving end? So the night that I ended things

When I got off the phone, I felt relieved that I handled the situation, right?

But it lasted like a few hours of like feeling okay

and then at night I got very very sad because that was the time that I typically would like talk to him for four hours and

A big thing people don’t realize about relationships or dealing with someone romantically or anything like that

You get in a routine of talking to someone and having that person in a certain spot in your life

And when they’re out of it, you’re still used to that routine

So it’s just gonna take you a minute of building a new routine and adjusting to their absence

Before it becomes okay

It’s gonna be uncomfortable for a minute

But as soon as you get out of the habit of talking to someone and living with someone and interacting with someone

You don’t really think about him that much you’re gonna think about him a lot until you break that

but that time came where I usually would call him and I just got super fucking sad and

So I tapped into the shit

I put on some sad ass music put on some Ethel Cain and I just fucking like laid on the couch and I was like

Leo you’re not crying over this but I was just sitting there and I was running through everything in my head and I knew I

Handled it, right

but I still had the feeling of like loss because I did just lose something that I valued a lot and the thing that sent

me over the edge and made me start fucking bawling was

that I hurt him and

I knew I had to and it was just part of it

but I still just felt so bad that I had to hurt this person because they were very good to me like everything was great

And I saw so much value in them and I’m like to have to hurt them

I felt so bad about it

But like I always say when you are emotional and you’re upset do not fucking act do not act do not do shit

Don’t reach out to them. Don’t talk to them

Don’t fucking post on social media lay your ass on the couch and fucking cry put on some music put it up louder and fucking

Cry do not act when you’re highly emotional because you’re not rational how’d I would have text him?

It would have made shit just way worse. I had to just get myself through this wave of heavy-ass sadness

And the more you do this the more you’ll get better at comforting yourself

So like I was literally just sitting on the couch and I was just like

Thinking like I’m so sorry

that I fucking hurt you and I was having to talk to myself and comfort myself and

Tell myself it was okay

And I was like, I’m just feel so fucking bad and I was like talking to myself like I know like I know

I’m sorry and like being there for yourself will change

Everything for you as soon as you can kind of like do the two points of perspective and comfort yourself

Shit everything changes and I literally like just fucking boo-hooed and cried and was sad and I felt

Through it. I didn’t try to get away from it. I just felt it all

I let myself just fucking cry it out and get these feelings out. Just let that energy just purge itself and then I

Felt better and I got up and I had a little snack and then I did some work and then I went to bed

and I haven’t cried about it again because I felt it fully and

I’m so relieved and so happy with how I handle that situation like looking back now

I know it was hard and while I was going through it, it was so fucking difficult, but I do not regret it at all

I know I hurt him

But it was a matter of hurt him a little or crush him in the future and I’d rather just like take

The little I’ll just hurt you a little like I’m fucking sorry

But my confidence in myself has boosted to like all my morals all my character traits

Everything that I value still stands because I acted in line with it

Had I gone against it, I’d feel like dogshit and I would be so worried

But now I get to have no guilt because I handled it, right?

I have no guilt or worry that anyone can go and talk bad about me or talk down on my character

You fucking can’t you could try it. Everybody knows you’re full of fucking shit, and I’m not talking at the person

He don’t even watch my shit, but I’m not talking at them

I’m just saying like anyone who’s gonna try and talk bad about me. Try it, bitch

Try it my character just speaks for itself who I am

the interactions that I have the shit that I do the shit that I say people just get it like I am so

The opposite of what people say about me. Everybody knows to just write it off

but I get that confidence that I always will do what’s right, even if it fucking hurts and

I feel closer to myself like every time I have a situation happen where I’m very emotional and I’m sad and I comfort myself

Like how I said, I talked to myself. I

Feel so much closer to myself and I feel safer with myself and I feel safe that I will do things that are difficult and

I will be there for myself when I go through them to help me get myself through them and I got myself through it and

I’m happy about it. Like I’m so happy with myself. I’m happy with

Everything really I have no doubt. I have no guilt like I completely got to like put this situation to rest

Properly and one thing I want to say is you will never regret looking out for people

so if you make a decision where you look out for someone don’t neglect yourself like look out for yourself, but look out for other

people too if you can find a

Solution or an answer that takes both people into consideration always pick that one

You don’t want to just do what’s best for you

If you hurt someone else and you don’t want to only do what’s best for someone else if it hurts you like you have to

Take you both into consideration, but you will never regret doing that and

one thing I want to say that I learned from

my last relationship and

I just fucking proved bitch. I just fucking proved. I learned don’t do it to me again

Do not wait for someone to fuck up for you to cut things off

If you become aware of something and you no longer want to be in a relationship

Take yourself and show yourself. I’m getting the chills like I look like a plucked fucking chicken

Take yourself and show yourself

You do not need to be hurt for me to do what’s best for you

You do not need to have someone hurt you for me to value the way that you feel if you no longer want to be

in this relationship

Nothing has to happen for you to feel justified the way you feel is enough to be taken into consideration

And I will take you into consideration because with past relationships

I would wait like I would come to the conclusion

I want to get the fuck out and then I would just sit there and I would wait for you to do one last

straw and I was out and

Do not do that do not fucking do that

It damages your relationship with yourself and it will completely fuck up the way that relationship ends because it’s gonna be something small

So if you’ve been like tolerating shit, and it’s just building you’re like one more thing and I’m fucking done with you

Typically, it’s an overreaction and you’re jumping on to that one thing that they do wrong

So you look fucking crazy had you communicated the way that you actually felt?

The person wouldn’t feel so blindsided and that’s one thing that’s really important like don’t force yourself to be hurt to feel justified

to leave you’re allowed to leave just because you don’t want it and

Because you don’t feel fulfilled or you don’t feel happy or you don’t feel respected or you don’t feel pretty and especially if you don’t feel

Appreciated you’re allowed to leave

You fully are allowed to leave just communicate it and talk about it and leave right?

Don’t wait for someone to fucking hurt you to leave

I proved that I won’t do that

So stop sending me situations like this, bitch

But that’s one really big point

I want to bring up because the way that I feel right now is so much better than how I feel when

You do get that one last straw and you get to end it off that like that

The justification through anger of someone doing something to you. You’re like, yeah now I’m done with you. Fuck you

I’ll cut all ties that only lasts so long the anger will only make you feel justified for so long

But when you come to a logical decision and act based off of that

You never have to think back you you properly deal with the situation

It’s not like you just throw a band-aid on a fucking stab wound and be like, oh like it’s done

No, that’s what that is when you wait for that last straw and then cut it off for that

That’s not the right way to handle it. I’ve learned

So just take yourself into consideration

Show yourself you care about the way that you feel and you will not stay somewhere or with someone that you don’t want to be

With do not neglect yourself

for anyone and

That’s all I got for this podcast episode

If you want to get any of my merch the link will be linked in the description

All of my social media will also be linked below the link to my app everything you need

Everything you need from me will be down below if you like this video leave it a thumbs up hit the subscribe button

If you’re on YouTube and leave me like a comment tell me what you think

Also, if you’re listening to the audio version of this on Apple podcasts and Spotify leave me five stars


comments powered by Disqus