Aware & Aggravated - 67. Suicidal to Successful (My Story)

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I really understand now why people don’t fucking make videos like this.

This is hard as fuck to talk about.

Y’all about to hear all my darkest shit.

Let’s do it, I guess.

Hi friends!

So, this week, I’m gonna tell you a lot of things that I’ve never told anyone.

And I’m gonna be talking about suicide, and death, and very dark shit, like the darkest

things you can imagine, so if you don’t feel like you’re in a place to hear about stuff

like that, skip this week’s episode.

And this is like your little trigger warning, for all of you that like to freak the fuck

out about that, that think everything needs a fucking trigger warning, okay, dandelion,

you saw the fucking title, what do you think we’re talking about?

But for this episode, I’m gonna share the darkest shit that I’ve been through, the darkest

places I’ve been, mentally, emotionally, are, and then how I got out of it.

Because when I was going through my worst shit, no one talks about it.

No one has anything to watch or consume with the fucking truth, and there’s nothing to

relate to.

So my hopes and my intention behind making this episode is to give inspiration, one,

help you guys get to know me, but also to be a place where people that are really struggling

can go to when they have no one they can fucking relate to, because hi, been there.

And I am gonna go ahead and clear my ass legally, I’m not giving advice in this episode, nothing

I’m saying is advice or telling you what to do, because I am gonna be talking about the

topic of suicide, but this is all my personal experience and my story.

Like I said, nothing’s advice, don’t try and come at me with no legal fucking bullshit.

Everybody shut up.

This is a deep ass topic, and I’ll be fucked if somebody is gonna try and come at me sideways

about it.

Girl, if you don’t like real life, go watch somebody else.

And the first thing I want to say is a little message.

If you’re contemplating suicide, or you have contemplated it before, it makes sense why

you would contemplate it, because it’s a relief from pain.

I’ve been there, I know it.

But the only reason you have not acted on it yet, if you’ve been thinking about it,

is because part of you so desperately wants to fucking live.

And that matters.

And whatever it is you’re going through, you don’t see a way out right now.

But I promise there’s a way out.

Do not make a permanent decision based off of something temporary.

And I’m about to share everything that I’ve fucking been through, kind of in my whole

life, and then what got me to my breaking point of like where I almost did opt out,

and hopefully this will bring you a little bit of insight and hope.

Because that’s the best gift I could give you.

I’m not exactly sure how to start this, but let’s just jump into it.

So I’m 25 years old.

I just had my 25th birthday a couple days ago.

But I have experienced too much too young.

I’ve experienced the worst of the absolute worst at a very young age.

I’ve also experienced the best of the best.

But I have experienced and seen way too much for being so young.

I saw and was exposed to the worst things in the world at a very young age.

And it will fuck you up.

So let’s just start opening up about some of it.

So I’m going to give you a little bit of a background to get to the point where my life

hit a breaking point.

And all of these things are big key factors.

So we’re going to do a little background and then I’m going to go through all of the shit

and then the night I almost did it.

And you know what I fucking mean by that.

But let’s just jump into this.

Oh my god, I’m a little nervous.

So in my early life, I was bullied very bad in school.

Like insane bullying for no fucking reason.

Like from preschool until high school.

Like I was bullied so insanely fucking bad and I never understood why.

And that’s something that people do not explain about bullying or even talk about is when

you’re bullied so bad for no fucking reason, it makes you feel so defective.

And that’s one of the feeling states I’ve suffered with and struggled with my entire

life is feeling defective.

I don’t anymore.

And I’ll kind of explain my way through that.

But feeling defective and feeling powerless are the two biggest things I’ve struggled


And those are the two fucking things that will like drive you to where I got to.

But being bullied in school was bad and I’m talking like the emotional side of it fucked

me up.

But like the physical, like getting beat and shit was not fun.

And a lot of powerlessness was in that because no one would help me.

No one could help me.

How the fuck do you control like little like school kids, like teenagers, middle schoolers?

How the fuck are you supposed to control them?

You can’t.

I went through such bad bullying.

I would literally go home and like cry to my mom, please don’t make me go back to school.

Please do not make me go back to fucking school.

And I would just fucking cry.

And I hated it.

I fucking hated school.

I never wanted to go.

And my mom went up to my school and like talked to my teachers.

She talked to the principals.

She talked to the deans.

She talked to everyone.

And no one would help me.

Like no one would do anything.

I was just literally subject to fucking living hell every time I went to school.

Just going to school enough is shit.

And then to be bullied on top of it.

I know a lot of people deal with bullying and my shit was like next level for no fucking


I genuinely never understood it.

But no one would help me.

I felt so powerless.

There was nothing I could do.

I would literally beg these people to stop.

Like stop hurting me.

And they wouldn’t.

I was never shown mercy once in my fucking life.

From anyone or anything.

And y’all are lucky I fucking grant it to you.

Because what the fuck I’ve turned into because of it?

Oh please.


Now everybody wants to attack me.

I’m the asshole because I fucking turned the knife the other way.

How do you like it, bitch?

But anyway, I digress.

I was bullied so fucking bad I was literally backed into a wall.

Like I didn’t know how to fix it.

How to stop it.

And my dad literally looked at me one day.

And so did my mom.

They were like, we’ve done everything we can.

Fucking swing.

Like start beating the fuck out of these kids.

And maybe they’ll stop.

Because we’ve tried everything else.

So that’s what I did.

Every single person who ever made fun of me or hurt me or did anything, I started beating

the absolute fuck out of.

And I’m proud I did it.

And my only regret in this life is not doing it earlier.

Because fuck all of you.

And all of you that watch me now, trying to be friends with me now, do not ever, in your

fucking life, think we will ever be cool.

We will never be friends.

I will never fucking forgive you, ever, for what you’ve done to little Leo.

I wish you nothing but the fucking worst in life.

You ruined my fucking childhood.

And you guys fucked me up.

I will never help you.

And like I said, wish you nothing but the worst.

Don’t watch my episodes because they’re going to help you.

But I didn’t want to fight.

I really didn’t.

It was just the only way to stop being tormented and like abused as a kid.

So I had to do what I had to do.

But that feeling of no one ever looking out for me, that one will get you.

That’s going to pop up again.

Next thing.

The next really big thing that fucked with me growing up was I was thrown to the side

by everyone.

I was never anyone’s favorite.

I’ve never been anyone’s favorite.

And someone else has always been chosen over me.

Even if I did everything right, I was never chosen.

I was never good enough for anyone.

I was never picked.

So that whole feeling of being defective comes up again.

And also with that, shit has always just seemed to work out for other people.

Like things just didn’t work out for me like they did for others.

Even if I was 10 times better at something, I was never good enough.

It didn’t work out for me.

No one ever wanted me or the situation just didn’t line up.

Like it didn’t fucking make any logical sense where that happened.

And like when you’re a kid, you have nothing to believe or like you have no way to make

sense of it.

It’s like, oh, I guess something’s just wrong with me because logically all the proof is

there that I’m better, but it’s not working or I’m not being picked.

So something must be off that I don’t know about.

And that is what truly fucks you up because it sends you on a scavenger hunt to find out

what’s wrong with you when there actually isn’t anything fucking wrong with you.

The next thing for my background is I’ve had a medical condition my entire life that is

extremely painful and I’m not going to get into the details of it.

It’s something that I still deal with to this day.

And the things that I’ve had to do to my own body and the pain that I live with and have

lived with since I’m like 10, inexplainable.

And there’s no way to heal it.

There’s no way to fully get rid of it.

I’ve tried everything and that’s just a pain a lot of people don’t realize I live with.

And I have lived with it forever.

But just because you have pain for a long time, it doesn’t mean it hurts less.

You just get better at dealing with it.

So that’s a little bit about background of like my childhood.

Now let’s walk into more of my adult life.

So when I’m 18, I joined nursing school and the things that you see as a nurse will fuck

you up.

I don’t understand why nurses are not paid more, but the psychological side of nursing

is insane.

Like the things that I encountered at such a young age, that was my choice to go into

nursing at a young age.

I get it.

I was guided in that direction, but I was willing to take it on and I’m a strong fucking


I’ve always been strong since I’m a little kid.

So I went into it and I was like, this is what we’re doing.

But all the things I saw as a nurse, you have no clue.

Like it makes you very in touch with like humility, how fragile the human body is and

the fucked up shit that goes on in real life from like domestic disputes and having to

take care of someone who’s been mangled or medical conditions that are uncontrolled and

you can’t escape them.

I saw everything really that can go wrong with the human body in nursing.

Not everything.

A lot of things.

Definitely enough to fuck me up and change my perspective on a lot.

But that’s something else that was a big contributor to the stack up and the build up of me getting

to a point of suicide.

Another period I kind of missed, it was a little bit before I started nursing, was my


His name was Josh.

And the period of my life where he was in it, I went through an extreme level of torture,

physical abuse, mental and psychological abuse.

And it’s a weird dynamic because I’ve never felt a sense of safety in my fucking life.


Until I met Josh.

He was the only thing I’ve ever feared in my life.

And he’s the only thing I think I will ever fear.

Because he showed me what someone’s capable of and some of the darkest things in the world.

And he taught me a lot of it by doing it to me.

And putting me through situations to know how to handle them.

His whole thing was like, I’m going to teach you and prepare you.

But it was not like that.

Basically he showed me what real fear was.

And showed me what the reality of life is.

And taught me how to handle absolutely anything that can be a physical threat to you.

By being that.

But he was only in my life for a short period, a couple years, because he died from like

a tragic accident.

But when he died, that was a mindfuck of its own because like I said, I was so fearful

of him.

But I was so safe with him because he was so untouchable and showed me so many things

about life and how to handle anything.

There was nothing he couldn’t get through.

And I felt so safe having someone like that around.

Because I felt like as long as I was on his good side, as long as his target wasn’t set

on me, to hurt me, I couldn’t be hurt.

So being made aware and experiencing everything that he put me through and made me realize

about the world and prepared me for was a lot.

But I also had him as the safety to help me.

And then when I lost him, I was just left to be in this world.

He showed me truly how dangerous it is without him.

And I was the only one left that could kind of like be there for myself in the ways that

he was.

And I didn’t ever feel as like equipped or like good as him.

Like that motherfucker was literally impenetrable.

I had seen him get shot, get stabbed, be hit by cars.

There was multiple times where he put a gun to my head.

So when I say he instilled the fear of life into me, sure as fuck did.

But losing him was really hard and still living day to day without him is kind of hard.

It’s gotten easier with time.

But that sense of safety is something I’ll never feel again in my life.

And getting to experience that and then having to live without that is difficult.

So now let’s jump into the relationship that absolutely fucked me up.

I’ve been in one relationship my entire life.

I got into it at 21 years old and it was with a 40 year old at the time.

And every single thing you can imagine could go wrong in a relationship went wrong.

Everything you could do to someone, he did to me.

And anything that just popped into your head, yes.

So you guys always ask me a lot, how do I know so much about relationships?

I have had one, but I experienced a lifetime of relationships in that one.

Everything like I said that could go wrong, went wrong.

And I learned how to like navigate it, deal with it, understand it, but there’s just so

much shit.

Oh my God, I want to skate past that because Jesus Christ.

But also with that relationship being the worst fucking thing that happened to me, it

also gave me access to some of the best things in life because the person I was with was

very, very rich.

And I got to experience a whole different side of life.

And I was raised by my dad.

He always told me if you don’t have money, you have nothing.

And basically instilled it into me that money will save you.

Money is all that you will ever need.

And that is your sense of safety and security.

So when I finally touched the level of money that I was always taught would save me, and

I never felt more empty and scared in my fucking life, I did not know what to do.

Because this thing, money, was supposed to save me.

It was supposed to be the answer.

It was supposed to make everything okay.

And then when I got it, my whole belief system around life flipped.

And I didn’t understand what the fuck to do.

What was supposed to save me didn’t.

What was supposed to make me feel safe didn’t.

What was supposed to make me feel happy didn’t.

So I was left with devastation while also experiencing one of the best situations to

be in financially.

Very weird dynamic.

But my whole belief system and my whole outlook on life was shattered in that moment.

And when I chose to leave that ex, going back to a normal life after that is very difficult.

And a lot of your relationship to money and your idea about life is fucked.

And trying to rebuild that and recalibrate and readjust to a new reality of going back

to a normal life is real difficult.

But also what came with that was so much confusion because I made the decision to leave that

person and the lifestyle because I wasn’t happy.

But to choose out of that lifestyle, go back to a normal life, go back to working as a

nurse and then trying to move forward and continue forward.

My whole vision and my whole goal and what my purpose of my life was going to be was

supposed to be to achieve money and then you can have everything you’ve ever wanted.

I got the money and nothing the fuck you want is in it.

Money’s money.

It’s cute.

It’s fun.

It gives you a lot.

It’s better to have it than not have it.

But what was supposed to be wrapped up in that, what I was taught, is not in that.

There’s no fulfillment in that shit.

And going back to normal life and having to convince myself to go to work and function

on a daily basis, I had no why anymore.

I had no reason or purpose or anything.

I just felt so confused and hopeless and like, well, if money’s not the point of life, then

what the fuck is the point of it?

What am I supposed to be working forward?

To get more money to buy a house, to this, to that?

For what?

I just had it.

It’s empty as fuck.

I was literally like, what now?

And that was a lot.

And I’m going to do a whole podcast episode about voids money can’t fill, so I can help

you avoid that heartbreak once you start making a lot of money and you hit that.

There’s not as much tied up in it as you think.

And who you are now is the same person you’re going to be with money.

Everything you feel now is going to be the same way you feel.

You can’t run from it.

But while I was going through all this and adjusting to this new way of life, my ex was

destroying my life.

And I did a whole podcast episode, it’s episode 60, about the fucked up shit he did to me

and why I started on social media and how all this came about.

All the worst things you can do to someone, like shit you can’t even make up for a movie

he was doing to me.

And he was able to do it to me and I couldn’t fight back because I didn’t have money to

fight him.

He was fucking with me in every way, legally and monetarily, because I didn’t have the

money to fight back.

So that, ooh, a whole other breed of powerlessness I had never experienced before.

And like I said before, feeling defective and feeling powerless are the two things that

have been a trend in my fucking life that really got me to this point, because every

one of these situations hits on those two, and those be hurt.

So with my ex trying to destroy my life, I truly saw how broken the system is.

The justice system is fucked.

Cops are not here to help you.

Cops are fucking worthless as shit, unless you know a corrupt one that can help you avoid


That’s the only time a cop is fucking useful.

They can’t do a fuck thing for you.

No one can help you, and no one’s going to look out for you.

They’re not there to protect you, bitch, sorry.

I hate that I’m being so aggressive about that, but I’m pissed off, and I think I’ll

be pissed off for the rest of my fucking life.

The justice system is not there for you, it’s never going to help you.

These people don’t give a fuck about you.

Cops are lazy as fuck.

They’re not going to put their life out on the line for you, they’re not going to inconvenience

themselves for you.

It doesn’t matter what you’re going through.

And attorneys are not going to do shit unless you pay them.

And also judges are money hungry as fuck, and if you pay them, they’ll sway things in

your favor.

So going through everything that’s happened so far, the real thing that kind of like fucked

with me was my sense of safety in society and life.

Like the whole structure of society was crumbled beneath my eyes from what I was experiencing,

and hopelessness, fear, panic, all of it set in because I realized how truly broken the

system is, and how weak it is, and how everything in life is actually so fragile.

And to make the powerlessness worse, when I was going through all this, I started seeing

therapists and counselors, and I was trying to go to anyone I could go to for help.

No one could help me.

No one knew what to tell me.

No one had shit that they can do.

I was going to attorneys to try and help me with the legal shit, I was going to therapists

trying to help me with like my feelings, my emotions, my fucking depression, everything

that was in me.

No one could help me with it.

People literally looked me in my fucking face and said, I don’t know what to tell you,

I’m sorry, I can’t help you.

You know how many times I had to hear that before I just said fuck it, and stopped going

to see people, and stopped asking for help?

I’m not the type to ask for help, never have been, but I was put in a position where I

finally had to, and I couldn’t get it.

You want to talk about hopelessness?

There it is.

So then I started reading books, and researching online, and trying to find any fucking self-help

guru that had any explanation, or could help me at all with what I was feeling or dealing


Couldn’t find anything.

Certain little things would help with certain areas.

Someone who was very influential to me and helped me a lot was Teal Swan.

I love that bitch to death, I don’t give a fuck what people say about her, I don’t care

if she is a cult leader or not, consider me in the cult, bitch.

She’s not a cult leader.

A lot of people are just dumb as fuck, and don’t know how to think for themselves.

But her content really helped me a lot, and I will promote her for the rest of my fucking


She helped me through a lot, just by sharing the things that she knows and she’s been through.

But really nothing fucking fully helped.

Like even with her shit I was still kinda confused, very confused.

No book helped, no coach helped, no nothing.

Everything was fucking worthless.

And on top of that, this was my breaking point.

This piece of shit ex I fucking had prevented any move I made.

Everything in my life was prevented, destroyed, and fucked with.

Every day I woke up, a new area of my life was being taken away.

And it was so hard to wake up certain days, and just get out of the bed.

And there were so many nights that I would just like, hope I didn’t fucking wake up.

Cause I wasn’t at the point where I was ready to take my own life yet, but I was literally

sitting in bed like, if I didn’t wake up tomorrow, I’d kinda be fucking happy about it.

But with my life being attacked the way that it was, any potential I felt like I saw for

my life.

From a young age I always felt like I had a lot of potential, and I had a lot to share,

and I was gonna accomplish a lot.

And I had a really big heartbreak with that, because this ex of mine ruined any potential

that I had.

And I felt like my life was over, and was done for.

Like I saw no way out.

My life was so fucked up and destroyed, anything I worked for was taken away, was gone, was


I did everything right my whole fucking life, and for it to just be taken away like that?

Imagine where I was.

Imagine where I was mentally.

But this is when I started coping with my life, because living was just too fucking


Like to wake up every day and your life just to be fucked with an attack, and for your

life to be fucking toyed with?

That’s not fun.

Like if there’s no way to defend yourself and protect yourself, waking up is not fun.

That’s not a fair fucking fight.

I love a fair fight.

I’m a fighter bitch, I’ll fight 10 on 1 as long as I got a knife, I don’t give a fuck.

But when there’s such a disadvantage of like where your hands are basically tied behind

your back and someone’s just kicking you in your fucking face, that’s not a fair fight

and it’s not fun.

And that’s how I felt like my life was, every day waking up.

Who the fuck would want to wake up from that?


But the real thing that I had to cope with was feeling like the potential for my life

was gone.

Like everything I had ever hoped to do, or everything I dreamed about, or like even hoped

for, my brain couldn’t even hope for it anymore.

My brain couldn’t even think of these things because there was no possibility of it.

Like the way my life was, there was no way out.

And I couldn’t even entertain like positive thoughts or happy things because they just

were so far out of reach and I knew they were inaccessible.

Like for me to think about the potential for my life, it was gone.

It was over.

It was wiped out.

Like the little kid in me that felt all this potential and knew how much he had to give,

I couldn’t do anything with him.

I literally didn’t know what to do.

There was no way for him to express it.

Like there was no way for me to ever tap into that potential with the way that my life was.

So when I talk about hopelessness, motherfucker, I’m talking about it.

And this is when I started coping with my life because there was no way out.

I didn’t see a way out.

I didn’t see a way through.

I didn’t see a point.

I didn’t see why to keep going.

Like I had experienced enough.

I had seen too much, I felt.

And I was like, what the fuck is even the goddamn point?

Every day I wake up, it’s some more bullshit that I can’t protect myself from.

What the fuck is going on?

So I started doing drugs.

I started drinking.

I started getting blacked out, fucking drunk as often as I could.

I was rolling my ass off on molly.

I never did no ugly drug.

I never did meth or anything weird like that.

I never did like a trashy drug, but I did do molly as fuck and ecstasy.

I used to love an ecstasy and love a molly just because I got to feel good for a goddamn


But then the comedown would hit, but my life was already so fucking bad.

This is the thing.

You have a very bad comedown when you do MDMA.

And my life was so bad.

And the way I felt normally was the level of a comedown that I didn’t even know that

you had comedowns from drugs.

And so my life got better and I tried them again.

And I was like, why do I feel like I want to fucking die for three days?

Having to fucking die was my sense of normal.

I didn’t understand that there was a comedown with drugs, so I just kept doing them.

That’s where I was at.

And I was never addicted to anything.

That’s one thing I will say.

I’ve always just been stubborn.

Like I was like, I’m not going to get addicted to shit.

But I was abusing the fuck out of some drugs and drinking.

Like my poor Czech liver light was on.

But in this stage, I really didn’t give a fuck if I woke up.

I really was like, not hoping I didn’t wake up, but I really was just like, eh, it would

make things a lot easier.

And I was taking a lot of drugs and I knew what I was taking and the amount that I was


And I was like, if I die, I die.

I didn’t care.

And there was a lot of nights that I just did a lot of stupid shit and I was so careless

with my life because I didn’t see it as something worth protecting anymore.

My life potential was gone.

So I was just like stripped bare naked feeling like, what the fuck is the point?

Now I’m just going to be careless and just risk anything I fucking want.

There’s nothing to risk anymore.

I just did absolutely anything I wanted.

I did some crazy ass shit.

But I did get to a point where I had to like reel in the partying and drinking so much

because I was in court with this motherfucker and I was having to represent myself.

I was my own goddamn attorney because I didn’t have money to pay for one.

So I had to like calm down on the party and calm down on the drinking to study law, practice,

prepare and then go represent myself in fucking court.

So when I would get off the drugs and when I would stop drinking, it was very hard because

that like heartbreak for the potential that I felt for my life came through and I got

to quiet it with substances, but like it never went away.

And when I wasn’t on anything, the potential that I felt so heartbroken over that I was

never going to get a chance to meet was there.

And I just felt like the little kid in me, like I had to just like tell him no, like

I’m sorry.

Like I know how much love you have to give.

I know what you want to share.

I know what you can do.

You see it.

You’ve always wished for it.

You’ve always hoped for it.

But no, you can’t.

And there was nothing I could do to protect him.

There was nothing I could do to protect myself.

And this broke the fuck out of my heart.

Like I’ve been through a lot of heartbreak.

I’ve been through the biggest betrayals you could think of, family, friends, anyone.

Heartbreak is nothing fucking new to me.

But the biggest heartbreak I ever experienced, I think was that like with my little self,

like anytime my little self is involved, that’s my biggest heartbreak.

And that’s what I’ll fucking lose my mind over.

And I literally was just thinking like, I see the innocence and like the potential that

I have and what I want to give to this fucking world.

And how the fuck could this shit be happening to me?

Like karma went out the fucking window.

I don’t believe in fucking karma because I’ve never in my life done shit to deserve

what the fuck I’ve been through.

So karma can eat a fucking dick.

Oh my God.

I still have so much resentment and I turned my fucking back on God.

I literally turned my back on God.

I turned my back on the universe because I was like, this makes no sense.

I know my fucking heart.

I know how I’ve never done people wrong.

And for this fucking shit to be happening to me, everything in this life, everything

in this universe can eat my fucking dick.

And that anger didn’t come so quick because I literally got to a place of desperation

where I was like praying for anything, like praying to anything out there.

Like I was literally praying to God.

It didn’t work.

I prayed to the universe.

It didn’t work.

I prayed to the fucking devil to help me.

Take anything you fucking want.

Nothing came.

Nothing happened.

Y’all asked why I’m not religious.

That’s why.

Girl, I got into voodoo too.

I’m Marie Laveau, Baba Legba, motherfucker.

Maybe I could find a supernatural spirituality, witchcraft, anything you can fucking think


I tried it.

I fucking tried it.

And when nothing worked, that feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness and never feeling looked

after or like someone was there for me or feeling safe was there again.

I’ve had that run in too many fucking times, but that was like a breaking point.

So all my beliefs, all my hopes, all my thoughts, everything shattered, gone, wiped out.

And at this point, I was just so fucking mad about my little self, like the potential

that I always have felt and the dreams that I had when I was little for all those to just

be taken away from some piece of fucking shit who can’t control his fucking emotions.

You’re going to try and ruin me because you’re a fucking little shit.

I was so mad and I had nothing to lose.

And my Albanian came out.

I’m a spiteful fuck.

I am one of the biggest hearts and one of the most caring people.

I will do anything for you, but if you hurt me or you cross me, I will do anything to


I’m one of the most mean and hateful fucking people you will ever meet in your life.

There’s duality in everything.

As much as I can love is as much as I can hate.

And I was looking at my life like if my life is ruined and the potential is gone, it’s

going to cost you, bitch.

If you’re going to take out what I feel inside of me and prevent that and ruin that, I’m

not just fucking sitting down and taking it.

I’m taking shit into my own hands.

I didn’t care if I lived or died anymore.

Living, there was literally no future to live for.

My current life at that time, what the fuck was that shit?

I did not care.

Death felt like a fucking relief.

All I was experiencing was pain.

There was no hope.

There was no good feelings.

There was no nothing in life.

Even the molly didn’t fucking make me feel good anymore.

My life was just pain.

And I saw no way out.

So then I started weighing my options.

I was looking at my life like it was over.

Okay, it’s just like this pit of fucking pain that I can’t escape.

So I can choose to keep living that or I can end this motherfucker how I want to.

I had tried fucking everything to fix my life and help myself.

Nothing worked.

And I felt so fucking powerless to the pain that I was feeling and what was happening

to my life.

Like, internally, the pain I was feeling, plus externally, like the shit that was going


I felt so powerless to it.

I made a plan.

And I made a plan for what it was going to cost for ruining my life.

I was going to get my fucking get back on every single person who has ever fucking hurt


Like I said, the Albanian came out.

So I was very logical and very calculated about my plan for how I was going to go about

a mass fucking murder spree and then a suicide to follow it off because I’m not getting away

with it.

The amount of people I was going to get, there was no getting away with it.

There was a paper trail.

There was too much shit going on.

And I was looking at it like my life is already over.

So let’s make it worth something.

If you’re going to try and fuck up my life, if you’re going to take away my life, you’re

going to pay the cost.

And it’s going to cost you yours and every single thing you love in this fucking world.

So my plan was I was going to mutilate my ex.

I was going to cut his arms and legs off at the elbows because I still wanted to have

some nubs arms and legs at the knees and elbows.

I didn’t want to turn him into a full nugget.

I wanted to just mutilate the fuck out of him.

And I have the medical background to do it.

And I have the connections in the medical field to do it.

And I’m friends with a lot of doctors and surgeons.

And at that time, they all knew what I was going through and they were all on board to

help me because the shit that I was going through, dude, no one fucking deserves that.

And as good as I was to this person, I didn’t do anything wrong.

If I did something wrong, I’d fucking own it.

But the way shit was, I felt good about that.

I feel like that’s fair.

And then I was going to take away everything he ever loved.

So anyone that he cared about, I was going to kill them.

And then any pet he had, any pet that he knew or anything that brought him joy, I was going

to take it.

And then I had a long list of all the people from my past, from high school and all my

bullies that I had.

And just people that really pissed me off.

Like this one lady in nursing school was just a raging fucking cunt.

So I was going to take her out too before I went.

I concocted this full plan of how I was going to get justification for my life actually

being over.

But I was going to mutilate my ex first because I wanted him to live.

I know how to mutilate someone to keep them alive.

I wanted to keep him alive.

This is all a theory too.

Let me just go ahead and say that.

I don’t have any plans of doing this.

This never happened.

This just was my plan.

And like I said, there’s no plan to execute it.

And this is not a threat for any attorney who wants to watch this video suck my dick.

But basically I wanted to keep my ex alive.

I didn’t want to kill him.

This is too easy.

I wanted him to suffer.

I wanted all of the pain I was feeling to be transferred to him.

I wanted him to feel the powerlessness, the hopelessness, the dread, the despair, and

the fucking loneliness that I felt.

Because when you’re going through shit like this, there’s no one to fucking relate to.

I couldn’t talk to nobody about this shit.

Nobody got it.

Nobody could relate to me.

I couldn’t go nowhere.

I felt so fucking alone.

Like more alone than I ever felt in my life.

And I wanted to transfer that to him because he fucking caused that shit.

There was a lot from my past that he didn’t cause, but he just caused so much of it.

I was like, I’m going to throw it all on you, you little shit.

You want to fucking take my life?

Watch what I do to yours.

So I wanted to keep him alive, but with no arms and legs.

So his day-to-day life is hell, like mine was.

And then I was going to take everything that he ever loved and cared about.

And just so he felt that sense of loneliness and pain, and he couldn’t kill himself because

you have no fucking hands.

I want you to fucking sit there and endure it.

I wanted my life to be worth taking.

Like if you were going to ruin the potential for my life, you were going to sit there and

deal with the consequences.

Because I know what I’ve felt inside myself for so long, I literally was like, it’s too

much for a little price.

You’re paying a big one.

And like I said, death was too easy.

I wanted a life of suffering because that’s what I was subjected to.

That’s only fair.

It’s only fair.

You want to talk about fair?

Let’s talk about it.

You want to talk about God and how I’m going to go to hell?

Eat my dick.

That shit ain’t real.

But like I said, after all that, I planned on just killing myself because the potential

for my life was over anyway.

So I would rather choose to go out the way that I wanted to go out and end the suffering

than just endure the suffering and be tormented the rest of my life.

That’s not fun.

And the most fucked up part of this situation is I was fully ready to do it so many times.

And I was going to do it a couple of times.

And I know I’m fully capable of it.

You guys don’t know what I’m actually capable of.

And a lot of people would hear this and be like, oh yeah, you’re full of shit.

There’s so many things that I’ve done and things that people don’t know about my capabilities

and what I’m able to do.

And I’d rather leave it that way.

But this plan was not something that was to be taken easy.

Like this is the only thing that ever made me feel better about what I was going through.

I felt so powerless to do anything.

And making that plan, I knew I could do it.

And I knew I’d execute it.

And that is the only thing that brought me relief and brought me a little bit of peace

knowing I was going to get some kind of get back.

I was going to get some kind of justification.

I was going to be able to do something.

And the motherfucker knew I’m insane because he kept fleeing the country.

But as soon as it at last landed back, I knew where he was.

Making that plan released so much resistance in me because I felt so free.

I felt so trapped, but I felt so free finally.

Like I knew what I was going to do.

I felt okay with it.

And I was like, now it’s just a matter of like, when do I want to do it?

So I was like, fuck it.

Let’s try to enjoy life a little bit.

Like even though all this shit’s happening, I didn’t care.

I didn’t have to think of the future anymore.

I didn’t have to think of like, what are the consequences going to be if I go do.

XYZ that I want to try.

I was free to take risks.

I was free to gamble.

I was free to live every day, day to day and just see what the fuck I could do.

I didn’t give a fuck.

I was in court anymore.

I didn’t care.

I literally was just like, I’ll go kill everybody when I’m ready and then kill myself.

But in the meantime, let’s have some fun.

And I was only able to start enjoying my life or like anything I could about life because

I knew I had an end to my suffering coming.

So making that list really fucking saved my ass.

Like it really, really did for so many reasons.

And it like brought back so many feeling states that I couldn’t access.

Like I finally got like a little sense like, okay, this isn’t too bad, but it wasn’t long.

It was just like, okay, the next couple of days will be nice until I do this.

So I was just like happy again for a minute, but I knew it was going to end and I knew

it was going to go away.

So I was like, fuck it.

Let’s just be happy for a couple of days.

So like for the next few days after I made my plan, I was just running around life like

I gave a fuck.

Like I was literally just like balls to the wind, didn’t give a fuck.

I was literally just being reckless.

I didn’t care.

I didn’t give a fuck about shit.

I’m dying.

I didn’t give a fuck.

I was just doing anything I wanted to do.

And I’m going to talk about law of attraction a little bit because the universe shit is


Like as much as I want to say, fuck you to the universe, it is real.

Making that list of what I plan to do allowed me to release so much resistance that I was

a match to higher feeling states and like higher level thoughts.

And I had the idea to start my app Positive Focus two days after I made the murder suicide


And I was like, hey, that could be fun.

Like I loved the idea of going through so much shit and then making an app that would

like truly help people and then dying.

Like ah, I don’t know why I got off on that.

Like that’s so me.

That’s so me to do.

Like make this app like I wanted it to like blow up immediately.

Like I was hoping it would like blow the fuck up.

Everybody would love it.

And then I would die.

Like go on my little murder spree and then kill myself.

Like I just felt like that was like so cool.

And I was like obsessed with that idea.

So I was like, fuck it.

Like I already have my plan to execute this.

I’ll make a little app before I go, you know?

So like I said, I didn’t give a fuck what I was dealing with day to day.

I wasn’t thinking toward the future.

I knew I was going to make this little app and I was like, okay.

But I couldn’t think past like a month’s time.

First it was like every day I was living day to day and it like was fun.

And then I was like, okay, the idea for the app.

So I was thinking like I could only think a month out in advance of like my future because

I it’s, it’s ending.

Like my life was ending and I knew it.

It was just a matter of like, when can I get this app out?

And then I’m going to go execute everything because it’s nothing’s stopping at this point.

All the torment is still going on.

I’m just finding a way to like fuck around in between executing my plan.

But telling myself that I would start the app and then die was kind of like a bitch

because it made me stick around.

And there were certain days where I was like, man, fuck it.

Let’s just go do this.

Cause like he was doing so much shit to me.

I was like so tempted so many times should just like execute my plan.

But I was like, no, Leo, we’re making the app and then we’re doing it.

Like that’s funny.

Like to make the app and like, oh, then die.

I was so obsessed with that idea.

Still kind of am.

So as I’m in the process of making my app and doing all that, I’m still being fucked


My life is still fucking awful, but I’m still just kind of like fucking around.

Like I’m back drinking.

I’m back drugging.

I’m just doing my shit.

I don’t care about court.

I don’t care about a fuck thing.

I’m just like going about life, making my little app and I’m ready to die.

Like I know that I’m making it sound lighthearted, but I was just ready to go.

Like I was like, this is not letting up.

It’s not getting better.

Like I’m just excited for this app to be done so I can finally fucking escape this shit

because you can only cope and like have fun with life for so long when there’s no future.

So the thing that brought me relief was like, oh, I’ll just enjoy myself while I can.

And it was just getting a little too long.

And I was like, let’s wrap this bitch the fuck up because what I’m experiencing is too


And I’m like, get this app out.

Come on.

Cause I have fucking shit to do.

Let me let me be done with this.

And in the process of waiting for my app to be finished, I was trying new things to

get this motherfucker to stop ruining my life.

And they worked.

All of the torment stopped.

Oh, and reliving like this feeling state is a lot because like I was so ready to go and

like execute on my plan because of what I was going through and everything stopped and

I didn’t know what the fuck to do.

My plan was no longer going to have to be executed.

I was no longer going to have to die.

So I was just so like, what the fuck?

Like literally what the hell just happened?

I literally had it all figured out.

I got the relief from having to think about life and think about a future and deal with

all this bullshit.

I just got to like live for a minute.

And I got used to living so careless with my life and not having, not throwing any caution

to the wind and just doing whatever the fuck I wanted because I was in so much pain.

I didn’t care.

And I knew it was going to end.

And for everything to just stop, like physically that was going on with my life, it was like

all the damage.

It’s literally like a fucking war zone.

It’s like you’ve been at war.

Your whole city is destroyed and you finally kill the last person on the opposing team.

It’s like you’ve just been fighting for years.

Everything about your life is ruined.

You’re covered in all these fucking wounds.

Everything’s like fucked up and the war’s over.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now is what I thought.

Like how the hell am I supposed to go back to living life normally after this?

I’m literally getting chills talking about this shit.

But like that was the biggest mindfuck I’ve ever experienced.

Like what?

For so long I was living life where death was my safety net and I didn’t have to care

about anything.

That sense of safety that I talked about that I felt with Josh, I felt that in death.

Like I used death as a safety net.

Everything I was worried about trying or doing, I was like fuck it, if it gets bad

enough I’ll kill myself.

Who cares?

I’ll just go with my plan, take everybody out, and then kill myself.

Like I just got to live life so carefree and not have to take anything into consideration

and just do whatever the fuck I wanted to do.

And the thing that was causing me to live like that just stopped.

And I was so lost.

Because how the fuck are you supposed to just flip back into living normal and caring about

your future and like trying to clean up the fucking mess that’s been made?

Like I said, it’s like going to war and it’s over and you’re literally just standing there

in all the rubble like, what the fuck now?

What the fuck life do I even have left?

Okay, great.

That stopped.

But the damage is still done.

There’s so much irreparable fucking damage to my life, to my emotions, to my mental state,

to my fucking reality, to even being alive.

How the fuck am I supposed to even take one step forward and keep going?

I’ve never felt more lost in my life because I felt too fucked up.

And that’s when the next level of hopelessness set in.

So like everything that was happening to my life made me want to die, to escape it.

When everything was gone and the war was over, the thing that made me want to leave now was

like, there’s really no point in going forward.

Like it’s, there’s just too much damage.

I’m too fucked up.

I’ve always been very, very aware and I’ve always just known shit I’m not supposed to


I understand everything at a level that most people can’t get to.

You guys know you listen to my fucking podcast, but I was aware how fucked up I was.

I was aware how bad everything in my life had fucked with me at this point, especially

this giant situation.

Like I knew how fucked up I was.

It’s like, the thing I can relate it to is it’s like being fully covered in third degree

burns all over your fucking body.

All your skin is melted off.

And now you want me to go walk around life and try and go function?

What the literal fuck is that?

And that’s one big thing about trauma is like, it’s so unfair to have to go back and be expected

to function and live life after you’ve been traumatized in a very, very bad way.

Like I said, I had dealt with betrayal before.

I had dealt with heartbreak before, but this level of heartbreak tarnished any hope I had

for anything or anyone.

How the fuck was I supposed to go forward and trust another human being again?

I literally saw the worst of the world.

I saw the worst of everything.

I saw the darkest shit, felt the darkest shit, and I saw how truly fragile everything is.

I saw like reality, and it’s not nice.

The reality of this fucking life and this world, I was only exposed to the bad part

of it.

It took me a while to practice seeing the good side of it.

And that’s what’s happened now.

But I saw all of the bad, everything fucking bad.

And it’s so much worse than you can ever fucking imagine.

And the things that you feel when you see it, oh my god.

But understanding the truth about life now, all the true dangers, all the real shit to

be scared of, all the real shit that you can feel, and all the real darkness that’s out

there, I was scared to commit to life again.

Why the fuck would I want to continue life like that?

Now I see everything for what it is.

There’s no more illusion.

There’s no more false sense of safety and false sense of anything.

My eyes were ripped the fuck open.

And I saw everything for what it was.

I saw all the real pain that’s there.

In what logical fucking world would you want to go into life?

Where would you want to recommit to life again?

Because I was on the fence for a while.

I was on the fence with like, am I living, am I dying?

I was more committed to dying in the way that I wanted to go out.

But now I was at a standstill of like, I can choose to commit to death and kill myself,

which I didn’t really want to.

It wasn’t really like worth it anymore.

Like for me to just like kill myself, I was like, no, I like to go out with a bang.

But on the flip side, to commit to going through life and like trying to repair all the damage

that had been caused, oh, I felt too fucked up.

I felt like it was just too far gone.

I felt like I was too far gone.

Everything that had happened to me, everything that I had seen, I literally was like, there’s

no point.

There is not like, I understand what I have to do.

Going through all of this taught me all of the ways to handle shit and taught me all

of the answers I couldn’t find.

I found all of the answers I was looking for in the fucking bottom of my suffering.

And all the shit I couldn’t find, I now knew.

And I’m so fucking aware.

I knew what it would take to heal myself.

And I knew what I had to do.

I was just like, for what?

I just saw life for what is actually in it.

What’s the point?

And that’s one reason I do not like for people to look into my eyes too long.

I don’t like when people hold eye contact with me because I’m scared of what they’re

gonna see.

Because the shit that I’ve seen, I don’t want anyone to see it.

I don’t want anyone to experience what I’ve experienced.

I don’t know.

I just feel like your eyes are like a vessel.

And I feel like whenever I look into someone’s eyes, I have this thing where I can like,

see shit.

And like, I feel things.

And like, I don’t want anyone to ever tap into me like that.

Because of what the fuck you’re gonna see.

I don’t like people looking into my eyes too long.

I don’t want them to see the darkness that I’ve seen.

And I do not want them to see what I’m capable of.

Because getting to the places I’ve been to, it would scare the fuck out of you.

Like anyone.

It would fucking terrify you.

It terrifies me sometimes.

So at this point with feeling like I was just too far gone, I really was just ready to go.

And I wasn’t mad anymore.

I wasn’t angry.

I wasn’t sad.

I just kind of like, accepted it.

And I was like, this is what life is.

And if this is what my path is gonna be, I’m ready to go.

I saw no hope.

I saw no anything.

Nothing good coming out of my life.

I saw nothing good left from my life.

And I really just like, made peace with it.

I was like, I’m ready to go.

You know?

Like it was a very calm decision.

And it was not an emotionally charged one.

And I was at peace with it.

And literally 30 seconds after I decided that in myself, my sister walked into my room.

And she saw this post online.

And it said, if you found out you were gonna die tomorrow, what is something you’d regret

that you didn’t do?

And I couldn’t think of anything.

And that made me really fucking sad.

Like it genuinely made me so fucking sad to think like, how at peace I was with it.

Like if I did find out I was dying tomorrow, that there was nothing that I regretted not


One thing that did come to mind was, I’ve always wanted to go into like an open field

and just run.

I don’t know why.

Like, you know when you’re like driving down like some countryside, and it’s like just

a bunch of land, like as far as you can see, and like the sun is setting, I’ve just always

just wanted to like pull a car over and like just take off fucking running.

I don’t know.

That was like the one regret I had and I literally was like, okay, so I can do that tomorrow.

And then what?

Like I really had no other regret that I didn’t do.

And I wasn’t scared at how at peace I was with wanting to like just go.

And after my sister left my room, I kind of was just like sitting in my bed thinking.

And all of a sudden I started feeling very, very guilty.

And I was like, why the fuck am I all of a sudden feeling guilty?

I’m just so at peace over here, ready to die.

What the fuck is this guilt all of a sudden?

And emotions are messengers.

And I always preach that.

And I always say that because it’s the fucking truth.

And I was like, okay, what the fuck is this guilt trying to make me aware of?

And the fucking guilt was everything that I had been through gave me all of the answers

I needed to end my suffering.

And if I was back in a position like I was before, I know exactly how to handle it.

I wouldn’t suffer like I did before.

Like I know what true ways out of shit and the ways to deal with yourself and deal with


And all the answers I looked for that I couldn’t find, I now had.

And the guilt that I felt was after I died.

It was like a guilt for like after death of like, I would feel so guilty to have died

with all of this inside of me.

Like even if I was too far gone and too far damaged, I did know a lot of ways to help.

And I did have a lot of shit to share.

And I was like, why am I feeling like guilt after I’ve already died?

I was like, is my soul trying to fucking talk to me?

What the hell?

Now you all of a sudden want to fucking communicate, bitch, where were you?

But this overwhelming guilt of like dying with all the things I found inside of me without

like sharing it or giving it to someone else really fucked with me.

I literally was like, even if I’m too far damaged, I can help a lot of people.

And then my pissed off side came out.

My little hurt side was like, you know what?

Fuck that.

What do I get out of sharing that shit?

Who fucking helped me when I was suffering?



So why the fuck would I give you all the answers to it?

I was literally so mad.

And I was like, you know what feels actually better now is to fucking die with all this

shit trapped inside of me and everybody else can fucking suffer the way that I did.

And no one helped me enjoy, bitch, enjoy.

I was so fucking mad and so hurt.

And I was so just like, I want everyone to suffer the way that I fucking have.

I’m not sharing shit.

I literally was like, fuck my soul.

Fuck God.

Fuck the universe.

Fuck everything.

Like y’all did this to me.

And you think I’m just gonna fucking freely just give it out out of the kindness of my


Eat shit.

Where was the kindness of everyone else’s heart when I needed help?

But I was stuck in such a standstill because sure, I was pissed off and I was mad and I

wanted everyone to suffer just like I had because no one helped me and everybody was

hurting me.

So fuck everybody.

I was acting like that.

But then as soon as the emotional charge kind of like wore off, I really wanted to die without

sharing shit as like the biggest cosmic fuck you.

So whoever orchestrated this life, I’m like in the hunger games, like the one that fucked

up the game.

Like, ha, I know you’re supposed to share what you learned, but fuck you.

That was too unfair.

I genuinely got so much satisfaction out of thinking of dying with it all inside of me.

That’s like my ultimate revenge is to have everything everybody needs and to fucking

die with it and not share it.

Like from what I’ve been through, I felt like that was justification.

Also that guilt I felt like the little, the little me that felt the potential his whole

life was like, you can’t just fucking die with it in you asshole.

And that little kid that I felt and like the potential that I’ve always felt was very clear.

And I was like, what the fuck do I do now?

And I was so torn because I just wanted to fucking die so bad out of spite.

And then I wanted to just take care of that little kid that everybody had hurt and like

make my life worth something.

But I just knew how much I had to clean up and fix.

I was like, sorry, kid.

Like I really don’t want to.

Can you just get on board with dying?

But I’m not kidding.

I was at such a standstill and I had a decision to make.

And I really was like, am I going to die or am I going to not like I, I didn’t know how

to make the fucking decision.

And I’m a very extreme person.

I’m very dramatic.

So in Pensacola, Florida, where I lived at the time, there’s a pier, it’s like a quarter

mile long pier that goes out into the Gulf.

It goes out into the ocean and it’s very, very high.

So one night, very late, I went out to the pier and I went to the end of it.

It was pitch black.

It was dead fucking silent.

There was no one around.

I literally had a discussion with myself, like I was fighting for both sides of me.

And I literally was like, how bad do you actually want to go?

Because if I’m going to actually kill myself, it’s not going to be on some pussy shit.

Like it’s going to be a cool way to go.

It’s going to like be real cool.

When I wanted to test myself, like this angry part of me that was like wanting to just die

with everything inside of me.

I was talking to that part and was like, if you want to go so bad, I’m not making it easy

on you.

Like you’re not going to get to just go like shoot yourself or go like take some fucking


It’s going to be a painful death.

If you’re facing an easy death and you’re like, yeah, it’s worth it, let’s die.

That’s different from, I want to die so bad I’ll do anything to get out.

And the other part of me was like the one that wanted to fight for the little me and

was like, no, I want to share everything that I’ve learned.

I literally was like, I couldn’t come to a fucking decision in my head of what to do.

So I just got up on the fucking ledge of the pier and jumped.

When I fucking hit that water, I literally was like, what the fuck did you just do?

I was literally in the pitch dark middle of the fucking ocean getting jerked around by

waves like a bitch.

It was not calm that night.

I don’t know why, but I’m over here just like literally like, like I’m not swimming, but

I’m like doing enough to keep my head above water.

And I’m thinking to myself like, what the fuck did you just do?

And I literally was like, okay, if you want to die, swim out, let your body get exhaustion

and drown.

You’re not getting an easy, peaceful way to die.

If you want to die, it’s going to hurt because I really want to see how bad you want it.

Now, Leo, if you fucking swim out there and die, so be it, or you can swim your ass to

the shore.

But if you swim to the shore, you’re going to honor the little part of you that wants

to share everything, and you’re going to go fucking share it.