Aware & Aggravated - 68. Standards Keep You Safe. Stop Settling.

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Hi, friends. This week we’re talking about standards and how they keep you safe,

because there’s not been one time in my entire life when I have dropped my standards or crossed

my own boundaries for something or someone and had a good experience. It’s always bit me in the

ass. So I’m going to teach you how your standards keep you safe and how to stop fucking up. But I’m

not kidding. I’ve literally regretted every single time I do not act in line with my standards that

I have for people or situations. Every single time. Like not once did it go good. And that’s

because your standards keep you safe and protect you from experiences you’re not supposed to have.

And your standards keep you safe and protect you from people who are not meant to have access to

you. And I’ve had plenty of experience with it. So put your seatbelt on, bitch. We got a lot to

cover in this episode. But like I said, having standards and respecting them prevents you from

allowing people to have access to you that shouldn’t be allowed to have access to you.

Because what happens in those situations when someone is in your life that does not meet your

standards, they’re not going to know how to treat you. They’re not going to know how to handle you.

They’re not going to know how to be there for you. And that goes for situations too. Like there is

standards you can set all over the board across your life. You got relationships, friendships,

your job, basic things like being taken into consideration. That’s a standard you should hold.

I 100% think that’s the biggest one is requiring someone to take you into consideration no matter

what, even if they’re upset, even if they’re pissed off, my feelings still matter. I still

matter as a person. For you to get mad and throw me to the side, that’s not going to fucking fly.

And if you can’t do that, you’re out. No ifs, ands, or buts. Because what happens when you allow

someone to discard you because they’re emotional or they’re dealing with shit? You’re discarded.

There’s no safety in that relationship. There’s no safety in that experience. And there’s no safety

with that person ever. So basically your standards set up an expectation for the experiences you’re

going to have. And if you don’t have good standards, your experiences are not going to be

good either. And one thing I want to say really quick about settling is when you settle for

something or you drop your standards or drop your boundaries for someone or something, that sends you

a silent message. And it’s not a good one. When you do not respect the standards you’ve set for

yourself and you accept something beneath what you think you’re worth, that sends you a silent

message of that is what you’re worth. You’re not that valuable. So your sense of feeling valuable

and your confidence and everything about you and especially the experiences you have are going to

come from if you act in line with your standards or not. Stop fucking dropping them. I love you.

I’m going to be rough with you because I love you. So with setting standards, it’s really just about

wanting better for yourself and caring that you’re upset by something. And caring that something

could potentially upset you. Like if you’re hurt, that matters. And that will make you aware of the

new standards you want to set. So a lot of people learn through contrast. And that’s kind of like

how the universe is going to throw shit at you. You’re going to learn a lot about what you don’t

want because it makes you aware of what you do want. And if you have an experience that’s like

shit and you feel like you’ve been mistreated, you now know a standard to set for how you want to be

treated. And then when you act in line with that, you get treated good. But if you keep settling for

these Joe Schmoes that treat you like shit, you’re always going to have shit. No way around it.

I do talk a lot about safety. So with standards, if someone hurts you, setting standards will

prevent you from being hurt in that way. Again, this is in your control. Setting your standards

is the only control you have over limiting the amount that you’re hurt. So when people hurt you,

you can’t control it. When people do things that upset you or bother you, there is no control over

other people’s actions, but there is control over what you will allow and what you choose to allow

in dictates the experience you’re going to have. Like I’ve kind of like worded this the same

five different ways, but you need to fucking hear it. Like I need to make sure it hits because this

is so important. Like standards are your only safety. So if you have an experience that you

didn’t like or someone hurts you or does something to you and treats you a way that you don’t want to

be treated, they’re basically showing you who they are and you need to act accordingly. You need to

take into consideration what the fuck has just happened and ask yourself, do I want this person

in my life? And if it’s an experience and not a person, do I want this experience again? Because

if you are aware you don’t like something and you do nothing to change it, the second time it happens

to you is your fucking fault. It’s your fucking fault. Y’all want to play the blame game? Y’all

want to play the whole victim mentality? Nuh-uh. The first time it happens and you’re hurt or upset

and you do nothing. The second time it’s on you and every time after that. And this applies to

anyone. Literally I’ve cut off my own parents, friends, siblings. I’ve cut off everyone in my

life for shit like this. I’m close with most everybody now and like we’ve repaired things,

but no one gets a free fucking pass. No one. When it comes to you protecting yourself and showing

yourself your value, everyone can come correct or get fucked. Like literally kick rocks. I don’t

care what someone’s attachment is to you. Oh I’m your dad. I’m your cousin. I’m your best friend.

I’m your sibling. So? That doesn’t give you a free pass to disrespect me or to treat me like shit.

And especially if they’re your boss. Oh my god. Because when there’s a power dynamic like that

or someone’s supplying you money or like you have to report to them in a job,

they feel like they get this power trip and they can get away with shit. Nuh-uh. Nothing slides.

Nothing slides. I don’t care who it is or what it is. It’s gonna cause a lot of chaos in your life

if you have not set standards before. Because people that are in your life right now have

benefited from not having to act a certain way around you. So if you’ve just let everything go,

when all of a sudden you stand up and you’re like no these are the new standards for how I will

accept being treated, they’re all of a sudden gonna have to change their behavior. You’re gonna get a

lot of pushback and you’re gonna get a lot of shit and you’re gonna feel like you lose a lot

of people and everything is just bad. Like why did I even set these standards? But it’s gonna weed

out the people who will treat you good enough for you to keep them in your life. And when you start

setting standards and you match them and you live by them, you’re gonna be a match to people who

will meet them and have no problem with treating you the way that you want to be treated. You just

have to weed out the bad shit and show how serious you are first. Like you have to fully disconnect

from the person you used to be. And when you set these new standards and stand in them and everyone

can bend to you now, there’s people and energy is always flowing at you. So you’re always gonna be

meeting new people, interacting with new people. New people are gonna come in and out of your life.

A lot are gonna come out but the ones that come in and replace them with these new standards you

have, you’re gonna be the closest with people you’ve ever been. You’re gonna feel valued beyond

comprehension because these people are basically showing you and sending you the message you’re

worth treating like this because you set that standard. And for the people who have trouble

setting standards and boundaries, I have a really big analogy and it blew the fuck up when I shared

it on TikTok about setting a standard or setting a boundary or setting anything for what it takes

to access you. It’s like if you go to a club like you’re going to a little nightclub and a bouncer

at the door tells you it’s ten dollars to get in. What do you do? You pay the ten dollars or you get

fucked. Like they’re not letting you in. They don’t care who you are. Their cover is ten dollars and you

pay it or you don’t get in. You need to become that way with what it takes to access you. There is no

ifs, ands, or buts. You pay the entry. Basically people need to act correct and like treat you a

certain way or they’re not getting past the fucking door because if you let someone in a club who

didn’t pay the dues to get in there, they’re not going to be as invested. They’re not going to be

like okay I should behave. If you just let a bunch of hooligans in who didn’t do what it takes to

access the club, they’re going to go in there and run fucking wild and not know how to treat it.

They’re not going to give a fuck, but when you set value on something and make people match it and

pay it, it makes them act different and it makes them respect you and respect the place that they’re

going into. And I know I’m using the analogy of the club, but this all relates to your personal

relationships and your relationship with yourself. So like when the bouncer at the door is like it’s

10 bucks, it’s not offensive if people can’t afford it. You’re just not of caliber to get in.

If you can’t afford 10 bucks to get into a club, you shouldn’t fucking be going to the club anyway.

But setting standards is not an attack on people. People are gonna feel like it’s an attack. Some

people are gonna walk up to the club and say oh it’s 10 bucks to get in here. Ew fuck no it’s not

worth that. Does the bouncer give a fuck? Does the bouncer all of a sudden get insecure and be like

oh my god no you can just come in you can just come in. No the price is set. If you don’t see

the value in it, you don’t see it. That’s not what’s in question. So if you tell someone this

is how you need to behave to access me and to come and be a part of my life, some people are

going to have pushback. Some people are not going to see its value. Some people are not going to see

its worth. But the people who do see it will happily fucking pay it. When you see the value

on the other side, they have no problem doing what it takes to get there. So the day someone sees the

true value in you, they’ll meet any standard you have and they’ll respect your boundaries because

they see the value in you and they want to be with you or be close to you or be in your life.

They want to have you in their life. And I just want to say I’m sorry to anyone who has not had

someone in their life yet basically say you’re worth setting a standard or a boundary. Like if

people just have treated you like shit your whole life, hi we were late, hey bestie boo. But you

gotta get like cutthroat with this shit. You have to like really protect yourself because when you

keep allowing people to get access to you who are not willing to do basic shit like care about the

way that you fucking feel, text you back, be considerate, you’re only going to have experiences

with people who do not know how to treat you and will further the cycle of you feeling like shit

about yourself and just in general. So that was a little tidbit for people who have discomfort and

don’t feel confident to express boundaries. They’re not going to hurt someone. People are

going to get offended sure but who gives a fuck. They’re not meant to be there. If anyone is

offended by what you require to access you, they shouldn’t have access to you. But my next point

is when you truly see your worth and you truly see the value you have to offer and you can see how

your presence in someone’s life is something special, it’s going to become very difficult and

very uncomfortable to give someone access to you that you have to drop your boundaries and drop

your standards for because it doesn’t feel good to feel like you’re giving someone something

valuable that isn’t worth shit. It’s like giving someone yourself at a discount. That doesn’t feel

good. So if you struggle with setting standards and boundaries, your number one thing that will

kick you in the ass to start doing it is start seeing your own value. And I have two ways that

I’ve had to do this and the only ways I could find out to finally like feel valuable and the first

is go on a fucking scavenger hunt by asking yourself if you met someone who is a literal

clone of you, what about them would you be like, fuck, finally I met a friend like them or finally

I met a partner like this. Make a list and write down all of the traits that you would finally

be so happy you found and all the traits that you could appreciate about having this person in your

life. How would just their presence make your life better? How would you feel about yourself? How

would you feel about life? How would you feel just having this person around you? And then when this

person cares about you the way that they love your clone, the way that they care for you, how does

that make you feel? And when you get to experience yourself firsthand like that, your value is not

going to be something you can ignore anymore. I don’t care what you’ve been through. You’re not

going to be able to downplay yourself anymore. You’re going to be like, shit, I am a little gift.

And the second way I started recognizing my own value and seeing it is experiencing myself through

other people. So there’s certain things that I do for people that I didn’t realize made them feel

so good. So I have a couple of examples. One is like one of my friends the other day, like I

sneezed and I like spit when I sneezed and it got on my arm and she like discreetly, like privately,

like got my attention to it and like got me to wipe it off without everyone else noticing.

Like I have some fucking spit on my arm. Like it’s a normal fucking human thing to sneeze,

but like she made sure I wasn’t embarrassed and like took care of it in private to protect me.

And the same thing goes when someone will like look at me and like do this to like let me know

I have something in my teeth to protect me and make sure I don’t look stupid. Like that makes me

feel so cared for and looked after that like you’re protective of me. You want to make sure I’m

not embarrassed and you’re always looking out for me. And then I realized Leo, you do that for other

people too. So I knew how my friend made me feel and how safe and like cared about I felt just from

these little acts. And I had to remind myself, Leo, you do that for other people. You make other

people feel that level of safe and protected with you. And when you truly feel how you impact others

and what your presence is like in their life and the little shit that you do that’s so important,

when you can physically feel yourself, again, your value is undeniable. And I have a full

podcast episode about this dynamic. It’s episode 15 of my podcast. It’s on Apple Podcasts and

Spotify. I’ll put the link in the description. So if you want to hear more about that topic and more

details and things like that, it’s there. The title is how to actually feel lovable. So I break all

that down there if you want to listen to it. So the next thing I want to talk about is feeling

more confident setting your boundaries. So a lot of people make a list of like all the things that

they want out of a partner or a friend or like their job and they do not feel confident or good

enough to ask for those things. So one conversation I had the other day with one of my clients is I

made her make a list of all like the ideal traits of the guy that she wants to date because she’s

looking for a relationship. So we made the list and then I said, okay, out of all the things that

you just wrote about this guy, if this guy was standing in front of you, would you feel confident

to be with him? Would you feel confident to go for him? And she almost started crying and said no.

So I said, okay, after you see this list of everything you want to ask for from a partner,

what would you need to do or change to feel like you deserve that? How would you need to behave?

How would you need to transform? What would you need to do differently with yourself, with your

behavior, with everything? And this reveals all the things you need to do to finally feel confident

to ask for the standards you want to set because it’s nice and logical to be like, oh, I want to

ask for all these things. But if you don’t feel worth asking for it, you’re not going to feel

comfortable doing it. And you’re going to get into situations where you convince yourself, oh,

like it’s fine. He’s got a couple of these things, but like you’re secretly insecure.

So you’re not going to hold that standard so fucking hard because you don’t feel worth it.

But when you get clear on everything you want to ask for, when you see that you can offer it,

you’re going to have absolutely no problem asking for it. It’s just going to be like a no-brainer.

Like if you don’t have all these things that I’m asking for, get away from me. And that’s one reason

I’m so damn cocky with how picky I am with relationships because I do not ask for anything

I cannot offer. I can offer a fucking lot. So what the fuck do I look like going and dating

somebody who can’t offer me the same? That’s degrading to myself. If you want to talk like

real life, if you want to be real, I know that’s kind of like sad and people don’t like to face

that reality, but it’s the goddamn truth. When you can offer everything you ask for,

no one is allowed to shame you for asking for it. Sometimes people are like, oh my god, Leo,

your standards are really high. Do you think you’ll find that person? And I have no problem

saying I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll find the person that’s a match to me and can match

my standards, but I’m not dropping them for anyone. I’ll be alone before I devalue myself

by settling and getting with someone who can’t offer what the fuck I offer. That’s not fair.

I will never do that to myself. I promised myself I never would, and I fucking won’t.

When you look at it like a transaction like that, it makes sense. I feel confident asking for this

shit. Why should I settle? Why should I? In what world, bitch? And I don’t care if people think

that I’m an asshole. Plenty of people try to date me. People are constantly in my fucking DMs. When

I go out, people are constantly trying to flirt with me and do shit. I used to never get hit on,

but now all of a sudden, everybody wants to hit on me, and when I’m not impressed,

some people get upset. I’m polite and I’m respectful, but I set my walls up. As soon as

you take it too fucking flirty and I’m not interested in you, let’s shut that shit down

and let’s not do that. Let’s not go there. So I have absolutely no insecurity about demanding

certain standards and certain things from people, whether it’s a friend,

a relationship, a job, a boss, a manager, anything. I know what I can offer. I feel the value and I

know what the fuck I’m capable of and how I care about people, and when you get very clear on that,

you have no insecurity. You will never not feel valuable when you see it in your goddamn self.

And I also have a full podcast episode about feeling valuable. It’s episode 11. It’s also

on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. All my video podcasts are only episode 40 and up, but episode

1 through 40 is on the audio version. I will also link that one in the description, but if you

struggle with feeling valuable and you need help seeing your own value, I’ve got you. But I do have

a random little piece of insight that I want to share, and it’s my favorite analogy for everything.

My favorite! And the analogy is giving a crackhead a Birkin. A Birkin is a $10,000 purse. It’s the

most expensive handbag in the world, one of them, but like they range, they start at like 10 grand

and they go up to like $300,000. Yeah, for a purse. I know. I don’t make them. Don’t attack me.

I’m just using this as the example. So it’s like you have this very valuable thing and you give it

to someone who does not know how to appreciate it and does not see the value in it. You think if you

give a Birkin to a crackhead, they’re not just going to throw it the fuck around and beat it up

and not know how to treat it because they are not able, they don’t have the capacity to appreciate

or even the knowledge to understand the value of that item. So I look at it like I’m a fucking

Birkin who my whole life has been given to a bunch of crackheads because people have never known how

to treat me. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t valued or appreciated until I started setting these

standards and then I matched up with people who value me beyond like ways I’ve ever felt. But it’s

very unfair and it’s kind of stupid on your end to give yourself a Birkin to a crackhead and then

get mad at the crackhead for them mistreating you and just throwing you around. If you see someone

can’t appreciate you, don’t fucking give them access to you because who’s going to get hurt?

You. You bitch. Me. We. Always. But in the same sense, if you give a Birkin to someone who knows

the value in it, they’re going to cherish the fuck out of it. They’re going to take care of

it like nobody’s business. They’re going to literally value that item and be so delicate

and careful with it and they’re going to make sure they do nothing to risk it. A crackhead is just

going to toss you the fuck around. And one level deeper with that, if someone is not used to having

valuable things, they have a certain way of treating shit. So when they get something valuable,

they’re just going to treat it how they are used to treating things. They don’t understand value.

They don’t know how to treat anything different. If they’ve only had low value shit before, they’re

going to wreck anything valuable they get because they don’t know how to treat it. Their standard

for how you behave and how you treat things is set low. When you give them something high,

they’re not going to know what to do with it. They’re going to treat it how they’ve always

treated it and not think that they’re devaluing or abusing it. So if you meet someone who’s only

used to having mediocre ass people and you’re someone special and you get together, they’re

going to treat you like you’re mediocre as fuck. And that is something that made me question my

value so many times. I was with people who have only been with average normal people. I’m a very

fucking special person in so many ways. And these people would treat me like I was average because

that’s all they were used to. They didn’t understand what the fuck to do different.

They didn’t even know how to see it. They just felt like I was special, but they didn’t know

what the fuck to do about it. And being treated poorly by people who weren’t shit made me question

my own value. But if you are in the hands of a crackhead or someone that is used to having like

average shit and you’re something special, do not ever question if you are special. You fucking are.

You feel it. You know it. Get the fuck out of their hands. Get into someone’s hands who knows

how to treat something valuable and knows how to treat something special. That’s what’s going to

make you feel special. So that’s what I’m saying with the standards. This is fully in your control.

Stop giving yourself to crackheads. You’re a Birkin. Now I’m going to hit this from a little

bit of a spiritual angle and vibrationally and universally and all that. So if you’re into

manifestation, say no to anything that doesn’t meet your standards. Set standards with what the

universe brings into your life and makes you a match to. But the whole thing with being a match,

like I said, you need to get clear on what you want and what you need to do to change to become

confident and asking for it and be like, yeah, I fucking deserve that shit. I demand it.

Like you need to make enough changes and rise to become a match to the thing that you want.

And you have to have the level of confidence where you’re like, yeah, that’s mine. I have no qualms

about asking for what I’m asking for. I fucking deserve it because I am XYZ. When you make yourself

a match to it, the universe will have no problem giving it to you. But when you have insecurity

about it, you ain’t getting a bitch. But with the manifestation thing, say no to everything that

comes up that does not meet your standards. Every single thing that comes up, a person,

an opportunity, anything. If it does not meet the standards that you have, say no. Give the universe

or God or whoever you believe in. The only option is to bring in what the fuck I’m asking for. I’m

not accepting shit else. Stop accepting things beneath your standards or that’s all you’re gonna

get. And one thing I like to do when I get something or an opportunity that is lined up

when I’m asking for something and it’s not quite my standards, I use it as a tool to like strengthen

my standards. I’m like, okay, what is this person or this thing making me aware of that I do actually

want? What is it making me aware of that I don’t want? Because anything you don’t want, you can

just flip it and now it’s what you do want. So if you don’t want someone short, I want someone tall.

It makes you aware of what your standards should be. And I had an experience recently that I talked

about in episode 66 where I wasn’t sure if I was dead set on a certain standard and being presented

the opportunity and paying attention to the way that I felt when I got it, I wasn’t fully satisfied.

So instead of talking myself into being happy with what I did like about it, it wasn’t fully

what I wanted. And what that did was give me solid fucking confidence that, no, this is a full

standard I want to set and I’m not fucking budging on it. It’s not something that’s negotiable. So

when the universe is throwing you shit, don’t think that you’re only worth that or better is

not going to come. You’re being tested and prepared and being made certain of what you do want. And

the last thing with that is when you let someone in your life that is beneath your standards,

they’re taking the place of someone to come in who does meet your standards. Get them the fuck

out. Stop being scared of being alone. You will be just fine. When you spend time alone, you

recognize your own value. So stop letting people who are not up to your standards take the space

of someone who would be. You have to keep that space open or you’re not a match to it. Why the

fuck would they just come in like you’re not going to get the universe like throwing you a thousand

fucking people and you just like have to wait with the one that you’re not happy with until the next

one comes along, then you can jump to it. You just got to jump for the shit. Jump off the fucking

ledge as soon as you realize where you’re at is not what you want. Jump and watch what catches you.

It is very scary. It’s fucking terrifying, but settling devalues yourself. So you really have

no option. It’s your relationship with yourself and telling yourself, I actually am worth this

and I’m going to settle for this or jump. And every single time I have jumped, something better has

caught me. So my last little tidbit I’m going to throw in this episode is actually something I

talked to a friend about last night. And it’s about loving someone too much. And he was talking about

how he just loves people so much and he keeps getting hurt. And I had to explain to him the

same thing that I’ve had to realize in myself. When you are capable of loving someone to like a

high magnitude and you really care for people, it’s a fucking burden that you’re going to have

to learn to live with. Loving too strongly and being too good of a person is a fucking burden

because you cannot give that love to everyone. When you give love that is special, like I said,

to someone who can’t appreciate it or isn’t worth it, who gets hurt? You. The burden of

loving too deeply is just one you have to live with. You have to become very selective with who

you allow access to that love. You have to make sure this person is safe for you to give this

love to because you’re giving them a part of you. If you give someone a part of you that is deep and

very valuable, you have to make sure those are safe hands for you to lay that into. Because when

you lay that type of love onto someone who can’t accept it or isn’t worth it, like I said, you get

hurt. So back to my main point of this video. Your only control with if you get hurt or not

is your standards. Stop settling. All right, I think I’m done yelling at you. I hope this

episode was helpful. If this episode did help you, don’t be afraid to share it with a friend

or share it with some people that you care about because this is like the most loving shit you

could do. And leave me a comment on this video and let me know what you thought of it because

I love hearing what you guys have to say. And if you’re listening to the audio version of this

podcast, leave me a five stars rating. Thanks, that helps a lot. Other than that, all of my

social media is in the description if you want to follow it. And everything else you need from

me too. My merch, my everything in the description. Check it out. But thank you guys so much for

watching. Everybody be safe and take care of yourself. Stop fucking settling. Hold your

standards. Love you. I’ll talk to you guys next Sunday.