Call him daddy.
Do I call her daddy?
Call her daddy.
Happy Monday, wiener holes.
It is your girls Alexandra.
And Sophia back episode to call her.
Call her daddy motherfuckers.
Okay, so first of all, I have to start it.
How does your vagina feel today?
Do you want me to be honest?
My vagina feels alone sad.
Um, you know, I Cringing in the corner.
I got a little bit of good feedback from some people.
And then, my mom, slid right in real fast.
And told me that I’m a disappointment.
Sophia is on the lonely track right now.
Her mother has abandoned her.
However, Alexandra Cooper today is feeling excellent.
I’m feeling alive.
I’m feeling light tight, right?
Easy breezy, beautiful vagina.
So I just want to say first of all, Sofia and I have not seen each other this entire weekend.
Hi, I missed you.
Holy shit, Sofia and I don’t really spend much time alone.
The wheat of the fact that we spend an entire weekend apart is kind of ridiculous.
We do not spend time alone.
Ours, is we cry.
We text all the time.
So Sofia went somewhere this weekend.
I went somewhere this weekend, you know, shady shit.
And so now we’re back and this is the first time we’re seeing each other so high, missed you, it’s summer summer.
I just want to say, first of all, if Live in New York City.
You probably can relate when I say, people in New York are so different.
Come summertime, verse winter in the winter.
Look at me, do not talk to me.
I will literally rail the shit out of you on the subway.
Get in my way.
Now, we’re transitioning to Summer.
Everyone’s happy in New York.
It’s like, what the fuck is up?
Every single person after five o’clock goes to a rooftop or a bar.
And it’s like, we all turn into alcoholics in New York City, real.
Fucking quick come summertime.
It’s like right now like right now.
Call her daddy here.
So anyway, oh, we’re drinking.
Hold on guys.
Did you hear that?
Okay, that was kind of creepy.
I sound like a man.
So basically yeah, summertime, whatever.
So summer, bozz.
I don’t have my summer bonds.
I’m going to go into an actual deep depression.
So, Sofia and I joined a gym.
Whoa, and well, let’s just say That we’ve gone, I think almost 10 times, 10 times, and it’s been six months.
So, cheers to that.
So we joined a gym.
We never go and Sofia, and I one night drunkenly.
We lost our debit cards, and they say, night, God, we’re hose.
And so we lost our debit cards.
And now we’re getting emails from our gym saying, hi, your payment isn’t going through.
You come in.
We need to re-up your What your membership safe to say?
We are avoiding the gym, like the motherfuckin viral plague.
I’m like, I will never go back already one to avoid the gym, just because it’s the fucking gym, and now that we owe money.
It’s like I will see you in 20 22 years from now.
I’ll never see you again.
Look at me, don’t speak to me.
Honestly, at one point, our glasses looked right?
And tight, our ABS were definitely appearing.
And now my data is to the floor wrapped in Cotton.
Just cheese shocking in a garbage bag.
So fuck me fuck.
We are hard fives.
Okay, so but that’s sad because you know, I don’t know, it’s fine.
I don’t need to look good for anything.
It’s not like I have fucking three dates.
This week humble brag.
Okay, so your girl has three dates this week and I bet every single one of them is listening to this podcast.
So I’ll definitely go fuck myself later.
But so I can copy my have three days.
Let me take it with.
When I have dates.
I have the same room.
Like I know I don’t really like the guy so I have to hang out with Sofia.
So I always liked you want a double date and I was kind of like, what the fuck pour me out.
Do you hear me out?
I sit there was like the fucking to while you sit there with the 10 and I had to act like I haven’t agreed.
I have to say, Sofia is the best fucking Wing, man.
Out of me.
I’ll be at the club and you already know who I’m specifically talking about.
We go to clubs, and I’m trying to hook up with this hot guy and I’m like, Sophia, Sophia.
I need you to talk to.
His friend, but I have to say without hesitation, you lick your lips.
You look a little slutty, you twirl your hair and you’re like, I’m on it.
You never give me push back and I love you for that.
Thank you for.
I always have your back, you are.
I’m in it to win it and it will be so funny because I’ll be sitting there with a guy.
That’s a 1 to a 2 out of 10 acting.
Like I’m I’ve never been more in love with someone in my lifetime.
I will never forget.
This guy was the actual opposite of your tightly.
Like thank you, frost hit.
I heard you think you’re so hot.
Oh my God, how have I never met you?
And I’m like dude, you don’t have to take it that far, but you took it there and more so I appreciate you for that and I really respect that.
So these guys that I’m going on dates with I never have been a part of online dating.
So, I recently I joined a dating up.
Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m saying that listen, I don’t judge people that do dating apps.
I’ve just never tried it.
I recently joined a dating.
You only go so far with that.
Yeah, I felt yeah, just stop right there.
So, so far.
I’ve met one guy off it and it’s been a hot success.
No, it’s actually been amazing.
He’s cool as shit, and that’s great.
So, this week, I have three dates lined up.
Hi, they’re all listening to this like, okay, I’m gonna get on my phone after this podcast and they’re all gonna have canceled.
I’ll fuck but there.
They all seem cool shit.
So, the first one, And I’m making Sofia, come on a double date with me and it’s going to be great.
And I actually think you good-looking fucking wait to meet the love of my life too.
If he buys us a nice glass of wine.
Yeah, so we got so we joined that but I have to say this dating app at least gives me a little bit more hope.
Yeah, you’re not on it.
But whatever I’m having fun.
Um because Tinder can suck my ass legit.
I have had so many people, DM me on my Instagram.
Send me a picture of myself on a Tinder account.
It’s Hi, I’m Rebecca from Alabama, and I like fishing, and I will cuddle your asshole, but that’s not me.
That’s the biggest compliment.
There is though.
It is nice.
I’m like, oh, you are what these girls actually look like when they show up for the day Loki.
I’m always like, dude.
What is this girl doing?
And my pic, they picked the best pics.
I’m like, oh, thanks girlfriend.
But at the same time, Rebecca fuck off, so I am happy.
I’m not on Tinder right now.
I’m enjoying my time.
But you know what?
The whole catfishing thing?
I have to say and you’re going to have to explain.
It reminds me of some Sandra Martin dahlin shit.
It’s so hilarious.
There’s your Genius.
Let me preface it though was saying last week.
We said we do not wear crazy with a badge of honor.
We know her fucking knots but this was this was crazy.
But like fucking serial killer crazy words, so brilliant.
Brilliant and I’m going to actually own that.
Yeah, we’ve all been on Instagram been, you know, four months deep in some One’s fucking neighbors dogs.
Boyfriend cousin who died?
I was dating this guy and we weren’t actually even dating.
Let’s be honest.
We went on a few dates.
We were talking, I was on his ex-girlfriend’s page.
Four months deep.
She was in the Bahamas looked great in a bikini.
I’m like, wow, zoom in zoom out and I, I did the double tap.
I’m sure you guys have fucking heard of It you’ve done it, whatever I double, tap this picture, that was four months old and listen to what I fucking did because you this is about to blow your minds.
I had two and a half minute to figure something out.
I’m like, what do I do?
Do I deactivate my account?
Where do I go?
I changed my name to Sandra Martinelli.
I changed it from Sophia Franklin to Sandra Martinelli.
I changed my profile picture, too.
A cartoon I put my shit on private.
So you best believe when that bitch went to go look at who looked at her four-month-old picture, whatever Sandra, finally looked at the picture, Sophia Franklin, at their very moment in time entered, the witness protection program.
Sofia Franklin was dead, Sandra Martinelli was alive, and real and thriving, and that makes me so hot new thing called.
And the best part is is that I was so, To the lie, and so terrified that I was going to get figured out.
I left it like that for a few days and might friends and family were like, are you having an identity crisis?
What the fuck is going on?
Are you good?
You know what?
I’m Sandra Martinelli now, let’s go.
Whatever that’s fucking brilliant.
Do you know what my advice to anyone?
If you ever double top change your identity on Instagram?
And good luck.
You’ll be fine.
So last week, I have to just transition here because I cannot not talked about this last week.
We address this guy.
Oh, he’s a millionaire and he’s got this crazy bitch on his dick.
So left out a very important detail that you kind of are talking to him for a second.
So the reason is story is so relevant is I did make out with him a couple times.
I’ve never slept with the guy.
He’s never put a finger in my butt, and then I’ve never put my mouth on his way.
Are but we have had some little make-out sessions and he did some weird fucking shit with my ear one time.
And I was like, dude, get the even a do that.
But I told you I’m on the way home and over and he was like, he was like blowing in my ear.
He’s like who you like that?
No, I’d rather die, but go for it to holes.
You should go for and what your holes are not one of them.
Say the home.
So he’s blowing in my ear and I’m like, this is what I Knew You Can Be Rich As Fuck, but I do not like this shit and I’m not into it.
So we said he has a crazy ass girl.
Earl boom done there in Cuba together, even though he doesn’t give a shit.
Yeah, this past weekend, again.
I said Sophia and I were not together.
I get a DM, from this guy’s account, but not from him.
I’m pulling up my phone right now because God speed U, then shave.
I get a message from his so-called girlfriend.
Now, mind you, this guy has been married, he has kids and now he’s like dating serial dating, which is fine.
I would do the same thing.
I got a shit ton of money.
I’m going to fuck bitches, get my money.
Here we go.
So I get a message and it This is and then she puts her name.
He’s a lying bastard.
Just saying, dot dot dot, his loving girlfriend.
He lies to, I’m saving you save me, Jack go fuck yourself, busy donkeys evening.
And then and then we go.
Look at his Instagram profile.
And what do we see?
Ten back-to-back photos of the two of them?
So in love shit, he would never in his right mind or drunk.
Miners, I might Post in his life.
Yeah, she’s going ham and she’s posting every pic.
She has in her photo album of the, two of them.
And the captions were like, oh my, and then puts her name.
I’ve never been more in love the six months.
I’ve spent with you have really touched my soul baked.
We know it’s not you.
And his friends were commenting being like they put the bat emoji, and then the fight and then said crazy.
Like, you’re batshit crazy bitch, but the bad emoji and then the poop emoji.
Batshit like his friends were like, Dude, get a hold of your phone.
This girl’s fucking taking over hijacking.
And so, I think we said, okay, the girl said, you know, your entire company is taking over our brains were like, oh, wow, she’s really pushing it.
But the fact that she hacked his Instagram.
I’m like, that’s the last straw for me.
So, if this guy goes back to her, I’m done.
I’ll never let your tongue insert my tongue again.
And we said guys, love the crazy.
In other levels.
To be a certain threshold of crazy.
That guys are like, no, no, no, Oh, now you’re actually done but honestly, they’ll probably be married tomorrow.
So let me just say that this is my thing.
I also probably should have done more investigation, but I have to ask if she’s that crazy.
I don’t even really know what she looks like.
Like shame on me.
I should have been stalking but I didn’t really give a shit.
Is she there are two options.
Is she a nine or a ten that she’s so fucking hot.
It’s like, dude, whatever.
I’ll take the crazy cuz she’s a dime.
Or is she a five or a six?
And she Is fucking disgusting and that it’s like, Slob on my motherfucking not baby.
I will love you till the end.
Which one is it?
Cuz it’s got to be one of the two, no issue that hot cheese.
I’m not gonna answer.
I’m not gonna be a fucking bitch.
Okay, that’s sitting here judging.
But so let me just say, because starting with that, I think you and I can both say we’ve had this conversation and we honestly kind of sound like dudes when we talk like this, but all my home girls out there.
I’ve gotten our DDM sweet.
Like oh my God, you sound like us girls know this shit guys think we don’t know.
They play these games and you know, this is what it comes down to the crazy.
You can get away more with if you’re a nine or ten.
We are a five or six.
Not so much the sex if you’re a nine or ten years ago five and a six.
If you are a five or six, get your squats in today, bitch.
Get on top and ride that thing.
Like you never done before you are getting slammed into the wall.
You are saying Horrible disgusting.
Filthy things to get this guy off.
You’re going in overdrive over time.
Putting out all the stops saying fucking porn star, shit.
Come on the face and make it fucking rain, baby.
I’m just putting it up and do not honest.
Or if you’re a Niner, attend, a guy knows.
He’s gotta roll out.
The red fucking carpet.
He’s gotta be ready because he knows you’re not just going to spread your Legs and be like, here we go, baby.
Let’s do the damn thing.
But also on that same note, if you’re nine or ten, you feel and I think a lot of times you do just lay their legs, spread starfish.
Have fun dead fish in the sea, you know, what it in me baby.
Put in my headphones put my sleeping mask on go to town on my pussy, like whatever.
So I have to say though.
We you have to I’m going to bring up the story.
I bet you forget it.
We know this guy that was fucking as he considered now.
To put it out there before we continue this conversation, every guy has their definition of a five or six verse or nine or ten.
We’re not defying, whatever, whatever.
So this guy’s definition of a five.
He’s like, oh, I’m fucking a five tonight.
He had a little situation set up where this girl was a hard five.
She knew her place.
She knew I am in for the dick and I am lucky to be getting this thing right up in me.
So what he had her do, what?
Oh my God, the girl had.
To climb in the window.
She was not allowed to use the front door.
No, she had to climb inside his apartment Window and then she would fuck him but she was not allowed to speak, not a word lay on the bed and do your damn thing.
Like I said, she’s like she’s gonna workout session.
Yeah, like show me what you got bitch and the minute he came get the fuck out and she had to go out the window and go out.
Do it into the window out and like it never happened.
I came and you were not even there though.
It’s girl crawled in through a window.
And you know what, though, at that point.
It’s kind of like she might have been a three-year-old boy.
She knew her place and she’s like, I’m gonna crawl right in.
I’m gonna get the best dick of my life, because I bet he fucks and then she’s out and for her, maybe that’s what she needed.
Yeah, you know what guys have their needs women fucking of their needs to motherfucker.
Maybe that’s what she fucking me.
Rub that thing the right fucking way.
Alright, so don’t judge.
Do not judge but I have to say with that.
I want to talk about.
Okay, so there’s the 5 or the six.
There we go, whatever nines or tens.
Oh my God.
I have gotta get her dinner first.
We gotta talk about life and her parents and where she came from shit.
The guys don’t talk about if you want to fuck, they’re just there to fuck.
Can I just address to guys all listening?
I and I and I know you know because we’ve talked about it.
We know about the post nut Clarity that you have.
It’s three minutes after it’s about 3 Min.
I don’t know really, how can I maybe you guys don’t have it?
We do guys have it.
After you fuck a girl.
There are three minutes.
Maybe three to five minutes.
Yeah, you lay there.
And it’s like a brighter day.
It’s like you’re seeing heaven for the first time playing.
He Vision its Clarity to this violent.
And that’s when you know, if a five or six situation, just happened the shame though, Jimmy hits.
You like naughty kind of bread.
Even, you’re not even shameful that you fucked her.
It was more so like, oh my God, it’s like the mothers and the corner of the room and you’re like, God damn that bitch was just disgusting.
She has my cum all over her face.
She was slopping that shit around on her face.
She was Nastiest.
That you see on PornHub.
That was just going down on my twin size bed.
Oh, now you’re like, you’re sitting there and you’re like, where the fuck is?
This girl’s father.
And also what is just what you just mentioned.
You just cleaned up her fucking eye makeup with your dead.
Let me tell you what Jeff that guy.
Listen, I know a guy, the girls laying there, she wore a shit ton of eyeliner.
You know, you’re trying to look good for your dude.
You know, that shit’s gonna Come off, but make it look pretty when you get there.
And he takes his dick and she’s laying there.
And she’s will she kind of on top of him?
And he takes a dick.
And he start swiping left part, white like windshield wiper.
And she’s like, babe.
What are you doing?
He’s like maybe got a shit ton of makeup down your cheeks.
I’m just helping you out that shit off of my dentalman of the fucking 20th century 21st century also, okay, that shit’s love.
So, what I’m saying is okay, a 6, Five, six seven.
The guy is praying to God, post not Clarity.
What did I do?
Where’s her dad now, he’s like, I hope this bitch doesn’t expect that.
She’s gonna sleep here.
She better get the fuck out.
And that’s what they do though.
And that’s what the guys say.
Knowing that a five or six.
She’s gonna let herself out.
I don’t even have to say it.
She’s picking up the shoes.
And by the way, I didn’t even have to get up and get the cam know, she’s going to the bathroom herself.
She He’s getting it.
She’s like holding her Sly cannon on your stomach.
She’s like running really quick on her way out.
She’s like, did you come?
Do you need any Refreshments?
Okay, I’m gonna walk myself the fuck out and they can go back to sleep and have their video games or they happen at they go get food there boy.
Yeah, they’re done nine or ten, and I’m not shitting on nines or 10.
Listen, but I’ve Had My Moments of being a five.
I’m like, so here we are.
You’ll never forget.
You heard it, you know, head into a pillow.
On the back of my hand Hurst, he was fucking her doggy.
She has sunglasses on that were falling off of her head and I was like, please for the love of God.
Alex, tell me that you looked back at him.
Flip the sunglasses back on your eyes.
Gave him the P side and like kept getting railed.
I’m like to go I’m getting fucked but at least I’m owning it.
I’m like, yeah, baby.
My head was absolutely the pillow.
I’m not scared.
It was on the white sheet.
Owned it and I walk the fuck out and came downstairs to you.
And you’re needing.
I’m like, can I have that Waffle?
Love It live.
It feel it.
Laughs love, baby.
That’s what it’s about.
And you know, one-niner attend the next day is waking up and being like, so, where are we getting breakfast?
Like what’s happening?
I legit know this guy and he told me that he will get in his car, go park around the block and wait for the bitch to leave.
She’ll just get out.
Let me say though.
All of my My friends at least that I’ve talked to and again, I’m not shitting on nines or tens.
Maybe oh my God.
Maybe maybe there’s a guy out there that could label us 9th and 10th.
Are you guys with me?
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I’m at me.
It was soft to leading up to a hard 700.
Anyways, what I’m saying is the 9th and 10th are not shitting on them.
There are some nines and tens it come full packages.
They can fuck they can eat.
They can hang and their the full package but it doesn’t come so often.
What I’m saying is a lot of guys feel like a nine or ten.
N is work and I guess that’s all we’re putting out there.
Boom, done Walla Walla.
Visit this topic again.
I’m just saying, I’m just saying if you’re five or six own it and get on that dick and ride and if your 9 or 10 min to put a little bit more effort, you know, don’t be a dead fish, show your strength, move your hips to take it from a nine to attend to like, I’m a fucking 11 and 12 because I fuck like a porn star look like a porn star.
Boom, baby, done, done.
So I have to say, I think you’re looking over there a little bit, like, you’re off the hook.
Do you know what I’m talking about?
We said last week, we said, Sophia, you’re going to talk about your cheating scandal.
Well, although it’s the end of the podcast.
Take it away baby girl, and I’m not proud of it again with like the whole psycho thing.
I’m not proud of being a psycho.
I need help and I’m not proud of cheating.
I really need my next relationship.
I won’t cheat.
I really think my next relationship.
I won’t she all right.
Well, she’s evil.
For my life, good my face.
Like so I’m just gonna make it short.
I’m in Thailand with my family and I got a text from the guy was dating.
He says you are the most disgusting human being.
I just heard the most repulsive things about you.
You were never talking again.
I’m in Thailand, you know on the fucking beach piña colada, what’s up, babe?
I’m soaking up this.
That is someone else.
He’s like no, you’re gross.
I’m like and you know because I had that guilty cheating ass, bitch conscience.
I’m like, what did he know Bala?
I like going through in my head.
Finally after like two days.
He tells me you butt dialed, my friend while you were fucking and I cannot make this shit up.
I had been hanging out with him and his best friend and the next day.
Some shit went down, and I guess I ended up, but dialing, his friend during my sexual relation Willie.
You never fully told me this time, hold the fucking fast.
So your fucking, and you your fat ass.
Hey, you’re exactly ophea.
Okay, and the and I didn’t believe him.
I was like, you’re fucking lying.
So I send the next, you know, three days in Thailand on the With Verizon Wireless, like Verizon, who the fuck did I call on April 29th?
At fucking 1, a.m.
You better come through Verizon or I’m gonna fuck you up, Verizon and my mom, the whole time is like, get off the phone.
We’re in Thailand and I’m like, you know what?
Mom, you can go.
This is serious, Verizon tells me, you made three phone calls to blah, blah, blah, and they were like eight minutes a piece.
So we just do I swear to God I’m getting real.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, your mom’s.
I’m making love Mom.
I’m making love and this guy is listening to me for a full 24 minutes doing how many times did you call him?
I but tailed him three times shot back to back to back like he finally after you know, we wait how long were the conversations?
They were eight minutes each.
Touching is touching my wiener Legend.
I must sound great.
You know what?
How about that?
He’s jacking off to you.
Fucking another guy.
Yeah, unless he’s eating a bowl of pasta taking notes like and then she proceeded to Peppa Pig bleep in her bleep.
I like I hope those were great comes for real.
Thank you you piece of shit for not going on.
He’s listening to you fucking another guys on the phone, dude.
Yeah, in his mind.
He probably should have thought.
Oh, she’s probably fucking my best friend.
Who’s your boyfriend, best thing?
He probably was listening.
He know, he was jacking off he finished.
And then I was like, no, babe.
You’re not done.
I’m gonna butt dial you again.
We’re in room.
No, your come.
How, how the fuck do I?
But I’ll three times back to back to back.
You know what the answer is, Sofia?
What your advice, he monkey fucking fat as shit.
I need that Jim.
It’s a hot fucking eyes.
Like boom jiggle.
All up on this fucking phone.
I’m worried about dial 20 times, dude.
At that point.
I was like, you know, maybe I am kind of a disgusting person.
I’m in the know that.
I have to give you.
I’m crying a little bit.
I hope it doesn’t go on are real because I do that’s that’s genius.
I love the cheating story.
I love everything about it.
I love it, but gosh, no, but like you said, Said, you’re moving on your one with the Lord.
You’re one with the Lord and you’re not gonna do it again.
I mean, maybe we’ll do it again.
In that way your home stadium against and table and record.
I will never cheat again.
And if I do, I’m iPhone will be in the other room.
Okay, so I’m just gonna say the that’s actually the unbelievable.
Brilliant way to put it.
I have I Was Gonna Keep Going, but I think we have to end on that.
I know, at the end of the day.
Your house is huge.
Oh my God, we’re here at the gym.
I just told him that, you know what babe?
It wasn’t my fault.
I’ve been eating a little too much my butt’s huge.
I’ll make sure, I’m fucking tiny the nice time I cheat on you.
Listen, I think that’s brilliant.
I think it’s pure gold and I think listen you learned your lesson live, learn.
I just want to say, I appreciate everyone.
In listening to us.
Yeah, I think some people may think we’ve lost our minds a little bit.
But you know, what?
Authenticity is the tit.
It’s the titties and we’re rolling with it.
So, I hope you guys enjoy this podcast.
I hope you stay with us.
I hope at this point when you’re fucking your man.
You say, call me motherfucking daddy.
Yes, because that’s what it should be.
Yes, but no, seriously.
I hope you guys enjoyed the time with us.
We are definitely having fun here with our beers and we’re going to go home.
Just didn’t join.
I it’s Monday Night Live Your Life live.
Laugh, love absolute.
Thank you guys for listening.
Call her daddy episode 2.