Hello, welcome to the armchair expert.
I’m Dax Shepard today.
I’m going to talk to a good friend of mine.
Jimmy James Kimmel, you know, him from Jimmy Kimmel Live, or maybe you fell in love with them first, on the man show or Win Ben Stein’s Money, or maybe used to listen to him on the radio.
Maybe you went to college with him and Arizona or Nevada, or wherever he went.
We’ll find out shortly.
He’s a very good, man.
He’s a generous, man.
He’s a father.
He has a huge heart.
And the proof of that is that he would find time to chat with us in an otherwise brutal schedule.
He’s an object.
Welcome to my attic.
Yeah, this is really your attic.
Did this make you at all jealous of the fact that you have an attic?
I mean it’s so it’s such a piece of shit yet.
I find that I want to move into this little space because it’s not a kid shit.
You like him.
I do like it.
Not to like like, oh door to the bathroom.
That’s Kristin’s issue.
I’m fine with that, right?
Like it, when you first moved to LA, if you had this as an apartment when you’ve been thrilled?
Can the I tell you something?
I’m going to be completely honest.
And I hope this doesn’t upset you, but on my way in here because you’re doing a lot of construction.
I thought maybe I’ll pee out.
Outside for I have sinned, I would have actually peed in the lat.
No door on the bathroom.
Like that doesn’t bother me at all.
But there is something about this little space because there’s no kids here and there’s not a wife here that I and that’s a pull-out couch.
You’re sitting on the slant of the roof is, it’s comforting in a way.
It really is.
It’s open enough yet.
It’s tight in here.
Yeah, I like it.
Yeah, I have fantasies of moving in here.
You will in a way.
Personal Tire of my my shit.
I don’t need you move in permanently, but when they’re looking for you, that’s this is where the line for.
Yeah, but I’m really grateful that you came because you’re you’re incredibly busy.
I did not want to ask you to come.
This is my worst fear worse isn’t Kristin.
Told you that right?
When she’s on the show and told me I was like, what?
I probably drafted an email to you over the course of four weeks like 12 times in the just gonna send it.
Yeah, you could have told me we will you come Talk for an hour without it being on tape and I would have come, you think so because yes, you do, of course.
Okay, because I often think, thank God.
You have that fucking show because that’s how I end up seeing you not because of Any fault of either of ours, but we have two kids.
I don’t think it’s good though, and I’ll tell you why, because I understand that.
Yeah, and I feel the same way.
I feel the same way about, like, Howard Stern.
I listen to him on the radio, right?
And so, I know everything that’s going on in his life and he doesn’t know anything that’s going on in my life.
And so I kind of get what I need as far as updates and yeah, you know, his take on things.
Yeah, and he doesn’t get anything back from me.
So he calls me every once awhile and sometimes I feel bad.
Like I should probably call him, but I don’t need to call him, right?
Because he’s on the ring.
What are you going to ask him?
It would be a redundant.
I know, every little detail of his life and he’s not on Instagram, so he couldn’t possibly know what’s going on with you, right?
Yes, and then my wife updates, the personal side of Our Lives.
Come back, Instagram.
Oh, okay, right.
Which which our wives are both very, you know, back and forth with that stuff.
Yeah, I look on a when like every eighth time on the toilet.
I trust that stuff.
I was a very DieHard Twitter person, as I believe you were.
Maybe you still are.
Yeah, I’m, you know, I yeah, I guess so.
I guess I don’t know if I’d say I’m a die-hard.
Well, I was a junkie for it.
And then I had an Instagram account, but I really didn’t do anything on it and I didn’t follow people that interest me.
And then After the election, I was like I gotta I gotta get off this Twitter thing and then I kind of fell in love with Instagram because it’s 100% positive.
Like do you have an account that you post shit on?
Yeah, and I post stuff but not very much but it did you it’s generally like a hundred percent positive.
If I if I did anything other than go to work and then go back home.
Yeah, I would post but your drive only.
I want to posting like pictures of Pancakes.
Oh, this is kind of fun.
And I think.
No, it’s not funny.
Well, well, the reason I was drawn to Twitter as I certainly can, I can draft a funny 140-character thought right?
Words, you always have the last thing I want to be is in a photo.
I hate how I look at photos.
I don’t want to be in those or looking for funny things to photograph.
I don’t really know how to be funny in a photograph.
Yeah, it’s different.
It’s easier though.
Instagram, and you’re right.
It is more positive, it really is.
And so I was on that.
That just almost exclusively.
Then I thought, then I figured out how it’s fun because I started following all these like off-road, dudes and people falling off staircases.
There’s this account.
OSHA, is this okay?
Have you ever heard of that?
No, it’s just guys, on work sites that doing the most dangerous things possible.
Usually in another country and someone Falls from like 100 feet, but they somehow live, it’s fantastic.
I like it.
Super 70s and just has things from the 70s toys and basil hearts.
And yeah, I like look at that.
I have one that’s like 70s muscle cars and I follow all the chef’s to because I like to see well, I just like to look at the food.
What you have a deep.
I’m not going to uncover anything that’s not know about you but you have a deep obsession with chefs.
Yeah, come on food.
Really more than anything.
Like when I go to your house, it’s pretty evenly split between like actors and chefs.
Yeah, that’s a kind cuz well family members are.
Yeah, it’s actually 70% family.
Movers and then thirty percent divided.
Yeah, I’ve will have a couple buddies in particular.
Adam Perry Lang.
Ya barbecue Chef.
Because Bianco, who’s a pizza chef, of course, they both do many other things besides those things, but we tend we do most everything together.
And do you find that?
That’s a super easy hang for you because you guys are busy doing that activity of cooking.
Well, I always like to be doing something.
And so, even when I’m watching TV, I’ve got something going on.
I’m working on something.
I’ve never really Hundred ball is because on any, right?
So the idea of socializing and then kind of learning how to do things and to be making food at the same time.
Yeah, that appeals to me.
Yeah, and you’re not like at no point.
Are you intimidated?
These guys are amazing cooks, and you’re an amateur.
That doesn’t know your mind, right?
Well, it does.
But I’m not, I don’t I’m not intimidated.
I’m eager to learn learn at their ways and yeah, ways of looking at things that’s a good quality of yours.
Like you can receive Ian, right.
I don’t do one thing that required instruction.
Like, if you had to be taught it, I don’t do it, right.
I’m just incapable of receiving that to a certain but with cooking and with and I’ve learned things that I think, apply to all areas of life.
And I’ll tell you one weird thing that I learned from my friends, Chris, and Adam.
Yeah, so I’d make I make a marinara sauce and I’ve been making it for 20 either. 25 years.
Yeah, twice a week.
Anyway, you make something over and over again, you improve it.
It changes slightly over the years whatever.
And so I just it never occurred to me that the way to make a great marinara sauce is to use great tomatoes, even though the tomatoes are 99% of the recipe.
Yeah, so the idea though of opening a bunch of cans of tomatoes and tasting them and figuring out which ones were the best ones.
Will you read a book about tomatoes summer?
It was a big book.
I read a 550 page book about tomato.
This is one of the many things that blew my mind about you that that was your summer reading.
And then you and what I thank you for reading that book because I don’t have to now because you I think you condense the really the only five interesting things about the book was so interesting.
Well, but you told me that when they list like the, the the, you know, the exhibitors of tomatoes be at Vons, or whatever, whoever selling tomatoes, that on the list of the five things are looking for Taste, isn’t In the top five.
All right, one of them.
It’s not one of them, right?
It’s like color, its size durability.
Durability on the Shelf, all these things and taste isn’t even in the criteria when they’re ordering.
It’s not and we don’t think about it until it.
You put an heirloom tomato in your mouth.
Next to one of these, it’s more ball than to mate.
It’s closer to a sporting good than it is root.
It’s a huge difference.
But are you also?
And then you, you You’ve gone to Italy a bunch of times.
I’m sure, right.
I’ve been there six or seven times.
Yeah, and so the tomatoes, their way different.
Yeah, because here no, you know, you you can get great, tomatoes are, oh, but you’re not going to get better produce than and caliph than in Southern California.
It’s pretty crazy.
We just got back Monica, Kristen and the kids.
And I were just in Turks and Caicos at an all-inclusive resort beaches.
I saw a pic exam.
As pitchers I’m sure.
And it was awesome.
There was a water park for the kids.
The beach is phenomenal.
Everything was great about.
It truly except for the fact that you can’t get around.
The fact that the fucking produce has to leave on a boat from Miami, and come to that Island 500 miles away, and it certainly wasn’t grown in Miami.
So it already got flown or railroaded from California, right in.
It doesn’t matter what the chefs are doing.
Like the lettuce is white.
That’s just how it is.
There’s no you can’t cook.
Your way around how shitty the produce is and you’re from Brooklyn, then Vegas, but coming from Detroit and going to a grocery store in like January and shit was fully in season.
When I moved here, was mind-blowing right?
The rest of the country will we’re so spoiled like that.
Yeah, like ripe tomatoes in January.
I went to an island in the Bahamas and the guy told me the boat comes on Tuesdays.
Yeah, by Monday.
You’re getting a little?
Yeah, starting to become stew.
Yeah, you have kind of a superpower which is where ever you go on vacation like a natural disaster, occurs.
Well, it hasn’t happened yet.
Yeah, wherever I go.
There’s some kind of a natural disaster.
Because you went to Bora Bora and I was like, oh my God, you’re gonna love this place.
I was there for a month.
I could have stayed for years.
It’s the greatest.
I was so jealous and you got there in the tsunami happened, right?
Well, you know, what?
If you remember to lead up to this?
Because you were telling me was great and I I always you know, you see those pictures of those Huts over the water.
Oh, that’s where I want to be at odds over the water hot sand.
It looks so great.
So then I looked on Google Maps and I noticed that is a little speck of brown and then nothing but blue and I thought people shouldn’t live on an island like this.
It’s to there’s no it doesn’t make any sense.
Yeah, and then I had to speak to you and a few other people who’ve been there for reassurance that I wasn’t going to just be swallowed up by the Right.
Because, you know, we think that, you know, we’re fond of the ocean but it it doesn’t care about.
Do you are?
You’re so vulnerable and it really hits you when you’re flying into the place.
Because when you’re at 30,000 feet here and they started to send your like looking for where you’re Landing.
The people even got there.
Yeah, it really is nuts.
And then, and I have had recurring nightmares about tsunamis since I was a kid, I used to based on that, weird movie.
That was tidal wave or whatever.
No, should way before that kind and my dad.
Dad told me after I would never discuss this.
But after I wrote an article about this, my dad told me that he has them too.
Got to be some weird psychological thing there but it’s stress-related and ensure it means something but I don’t know what it is.
Yeah, so I was panicked about it and I my wife really wanted to go there.
I was like, there’s going to be a tsunami.
She’s like laughing, stop it, Nicholas and then, and I have this on videotape.
So this is not even like one of those stories I’ve embellished for comedy saying, but I’m videotaping, my wife were sitting by the pool and all of a sudden it starts raining, like, heavy drops of rain.
Each drop has like a pint in it.
Yeah, and I said, this is it the Sonam is, you’re being ridiculous.
So, we go back to the room raining and I turn on, I get on my computer.
And I see that this that in Japan, there’s been an earthquake, right?
And I’m like, well wait, wait, you you hop on your computer?
Unrelated or later.
Okay, it’s not like I’m so convinced you then started researching.
I hopped on my computer because that’s what I do 70 or 80 shots of sure.
Sure, sure, and I got a computer and there was an earthquake in Japan and I have no idea where we are.
I mean, like, yeah, my sense of G.
I’ve been there.
I have no idea where it’s at and really should depend.
Yeah, I like well, I don’t know if we’re 40 miles from Japan or a million.
Yeah, it’ll be any of those two things.
So I look, I look it up and weren’t French Polynesia and where Not close to Japan, but a lot closer than we are to Japan right now.
Yeah, and I thought well, oh no, there’s an earthquake.
That could mean there’s going to be a tsunami.
Yeah, and I then hit refresh.
I went to found the Tsunami alert center for the world and I hit refresh.
Sounds like a great vacations, like 140 times, like every like 40 seconds.
I’d hit refresh really and it popped up.
And I had a mixture of Terror and real Empower like, like I knew this was going to happen.
I told is the ultimate I told you.
So yes, I this I told you so happens as you’re being washed out.
There’s that line and there’s that line in Pulp Fiction where he’s complaining about that someone keyed his car and at one point he goes it would be worth it.
Be worth him Keen my car just to catch that motherfucker, right?
Like so that was gonna be my question is part of you has to be sewing happy.
Yeah, because they’re the many times I would choose death to be right.
Yeah, and if we, I know that if we survive this that I’m going to Molly’s gonna have to move out of the house.
Could be her only on.
So now I’m, and, by the way, before, the tsunami warning.
I’m calling the front desk, asking, like what’s the plan for, you know, so yeah, they are.
And I’ve called now four times and they are laughing.
Hysterically at me, really makes me feel better to be honest.
Then the alert comes and they’re like, oh, you know what?
ERM it’s there’s no siren on that.
It just said, French Polynesian.
Okay, like French Polynesian and her son has like, that’s where we are.
And this is real bad and and I was worried and I, you know, call us at.
What’s the procedure they’d had tsunamis before there.
They told me, what would happen.
We will get on a boat.
We will go to Higher Ground.
Well, wait there until the danger is past but they assure me that it’s impossible, that a wave would be higher than Higher Ground, Ryan and we should be okay as long as we get out of there by Bubba, I now pack, you know, I’m now we are ready for evacuation.
You’re in a movie now, six hours before the evacuation.
I’m fully dressed.
So so from the time of the alert how long before it actually makes ground.
Well, it was a it was a long time.
That’s the good thing about tsunamis in a place.
You have some kind of access to computers, you know, when they’re coming, right?
So I’m laying Molly goes to sleep and I’m laying on the bed with my shoes on watching CNN taking this Demerol.
And yeah, sure.
And are you making calls to loved ones and stuff?
I’d are you email.
I emailed loved one.
So yeah, even in the face of death, I’m not going to spend the money for an international call.
So we’re gonna die as I.
Let everybody know that there was a good chance we were going to be washed and are the emails are they?
A mix of?
Like I don’t want to scare them, but I do want to say, Everything that needs being said they’re a mix of.
I don’t want to scare them but I do want to scare ya and let them know I’m dead right?
When everyone I want to hear some nice words from every yeah, so I said my family, the email, you know, the email and you know still Molly thought I was crazy, you know at this point.
Maybe I was but we then the phone rings and sure enough.
They’re like get your stuff together.
The only take your Tables and were evacuating the hotel.
It’s a middle of the night.
I get to the lobby and there are guys in the lobby already wearing life.
Preservers, like, oh, wow, they’ve got life jackets on and so I’m happy because I know right away.
Like all right.
I’m not the biggest whooshing.
And yeah, so these guys are actually worse than I am, huh, and it’s really, you get to see the worst of people like people call really pushing like a head to get on the ferry.
Is that are going to take you off the island and but is there a calmness to the whole thing?
There’s it’s middle of nights and the people have kind of been through this before.
So they’re calm, but people are shit-faced.
Presumably Reich since the middle.
Yeah, a lot of people were drunk.
Yeah, some people are fucking.
Some people are hammered.
There’s a lot going on and then all of the above.
Yeah, and so we finally get on this boat and is pitch black.
I mean, there’s not a light and in the boat to engine dies in the middle now.
Wow, I didn’t know.
They actually turned it off.
It didn’t die.
But it sounded like it died.
Yeah, and the reason they turned it off is because there are other fairies like ahead of us, kind of blocking hit the wait until the other fairies unloaded.
And then, but it was so dark.
We didn’t know we were like a hundred feet from this.
There’s no moon out or anything.
Okay, because from those hotel rooms to the mainland is only like a mile or whatever over the water as I recall.
And I’m like, yeah, and I’m look not to the mainland know the mainland.
It’s about a 20-minute flight.
No, I mean yeah.
That are in Bora Bora, right?
The medium Mainland.
Yeah, you’ll make the the atoll surrounds.
This weird-looking King Kong volcano.
Looking mountain in the center, right?
That’s where yeah, and so we go to that place.
And so anyway, the water and then I’m like, oh my God, we’re now in the worst possible place on a little boat like waiting.
I don’t you would have much rather written it out in your Over the Water.
Villa on the Bungalow.
Yeah, it looks like a grab onto something, you know, and it was really scary.
Had you been to the that that little Center Island prior to that.
Did you go?
Did you go there to go to that French restaurant B.
Yes, I did.
And did you notice the inordinate amount of feral dogs on that island had?
We were where all the dogs were right?
Because I had a, I had a near-death experience in Bora Bora that.
I didn’t tell you about because I knew you were nervous about going and I didn’t want to alarm you, but I had probably since I was eight years old.
The scariest moment I had as an it.
So Kristen was shooting that movie on a Couple’s Retreat, right?
And so they’re filming on these barges out in the middle of all this stuff and I take a boat out there to watch them shoot and I watch for about an hour and now I’m bored.
And then I said, I’d like to go back to the hotel and they say, oh, we’re not going to send the boats back for like another five hours for whatever reason that was not an option.
And I was like, I don’t want to sit on this barge for another five hours and I start looking at what the little Island.
It off, you know, in the distance.
And I think in my mind that’s a 10-minute swim.
Like I can do that.
I’ll and I’m going to and you’ve been there.
So, you know, it’s like there’s a little island, then his 100 foot Gap in the water, and then another little island than a 200 foot Gap, and then another little island.
So, I’ll just swim to that one.
And then I’ll walk across the islands else with the little hundred, you know, I’ll get back to the hotel.
I get some flippers.
I put my shit in a plastic bag.
Kristen’s telling me do not do this, do not do this.
I wait till they call Action.
So she’s distracted and I jump in and I start swimming and I’m swimming.
Swimming swimming swimming.
And I’m not joking.
You, I swam for at least 25 minutes, and I lift my head up to look like how close I am to this island.
And I am still the exact same distance.
I was when I was looking at it from the barge.
And now I turn around, I look at the bars in the barges very, very far away, and I’m almost I’m having to tell myself.
Don’t don’t start having a panic attack like your pot committed.
You got to just keep swimming.
So then I was laying on my back.
I was trying to relax.
Whatever I swam for about an hour in 10 minutes or something.
I get to the little island.
I’m like, thank God.
Now I can fucking walk.
I take my flippers off.
I start walking along the beach and all of a sudden here and I look and all these dogs are running on the island in there.
They’re running right at me and I have to run into the water, I go up to my shoulders and they’re swimming out but they kind of stopped at like 3 feet depth and I am now I know it’s a walk-in shoulder, high water the rest of the way which was off a few miles.
And every time I went on one of these islands, these fucking crazy.
Rabid pit bulls would run out and attack me after run right back in Kristen wrapped the whole thing.
She goes back.
It took me six hours probably to get back.
My feet were fucking bleeding.
I was sunburned.
It was out of a movie.
I finally get to the door.
I knock on it.
She opens the door.
She thought I was like at the gym or something.
She thought I had gone back on a boat was The gym, she opens the dorms.
A, my feet are bleeding.
She goes, what the fuck happened to you?
And I go I swam back from that.
I chew wrote this really long thing because it was such a harrowing terrifying experience.
And I kept having these moments where I was like, I need help.
I need to get airlifted.
I need some kind of like someone to rescue me because I’m not going to make it back and there’s nothing on those islands.
Other than dogs.
There’s no way.
I would have gone to Bora, Bora.
Had you told you that never went out and that’s why I didn’t tell you and then you would never have it on Holly that you put.
It’s good for me to know about the, you know, I knew about the dogs.
I didn’t know about pit bulls.
Yes, and again, the plausibility the store.
I wouldn’t buy it if I was listening to me, but I’m telling you that the first silent had pretty average sized dogs and I wasn’t in a full Panic.
It wasn’t too like the fourth island.
I got to that.
It was actual pit bulls, and most violent pitbull, pitbull Island, and this poor Woman who was in a hammock and watching these dogs, right?
She was screaming, like no to them, you know, like a local Polynesian, lady screaming.
No, they didn’t give a fuck.
They just ran right past her into the water and I had to swim out.
So there are people who live on Pitbull.
So the people that are on the main island, we went to the French restaurant on where I were evacuated on they live there, but they also own those little islands like they’re their, communally they have little barbecue pits there and they go spend time there and apparently they’re keeping their Fair.
All dogs there.
Oh my God, but it was really it hadn’t been since I was like eight and got lost in a swamp and it was screaming for my mom.
Like I was really scared.
The closest fear I’ve had to that is we drove up to northern northern California in our Tesla and didn’t get it fully charged.
Okay, how’d you get out of it up?
Spending four hours at a Walmart, the car charger.
That is terrifying.
Yeah, but you Mother.
Did you know you had another experience like that?
Did I imagine that?
Um, not like that one.
I’m not sure.
I’ve the thing you wrote was really, really well written by the way every time.
Every time I go on vacation.
I have one day that goes home.
I know exactly what it was.
What it was that you invited us camping this year and we arrived at camping.
Oh, yeah, and there is literally 727s a buzzing our Campground about 30 feet off the ground because the whole mountain behind us is on fire.
And when I say they’ll whole mountains on fire and there are planes swooping in over and over again and dumping some kind of chemical on it and we were just camping a few hundred feet from there and going to bed that night was very weird because you’re like sky was, I guess they’ve got it under control.
Yeah, they say and I thought on this must be what you’re all.
Your vacations are like it is kind of the way you just bad planning.
Did you have any fear of fires prior to that?
No, no, I should have more fear of Fire.
It’s more reasonable.
I’m going to get hit with something like that, but no fear of fire.
But I tell you what, we could use a nice little tsunami at that time.
That were, would have been very helpful.
Yeah, that could have bailed us out.
By the way, the Sumo tsunami which arrives, you know, they’ll they know the precise time that the tsunami will arrive, was the size of I describe the size of a Skittle.
What is there?
That was it.
I was like, what do you mean?
That was it?
They’re like, that was the tsunami.
It wasn’t by the time it got to You guys they know when it’ll hit, they don’t know what size.
So it did nothing.
It was nothing and it was kind of the man that make Molly then right.
Once we were on up at Higher Ground.
I was like, all right.
I want to see the tsunami smashed into the side of this now that we’re okay, you know, yes, big deal.
I lose some luggage.
Yeah, you want to see something out of a role in movie.
Well, whatever his name is.
People also what I, the people I was with, you know, all the other people from the hotel or like Is an ABC, going to send a helicopter or something?
If you like wouldn’t send the SUV from, do you think that you will do that tsunami into existence of?
That’s a great question.
That’s a great life.
If I, you know, if I have that kind of power, I probably shouldn’t be in anyone’s presence but it’s, you know, let me ask you that.
That leads to a great question.
I want to ask you because anyone who’s had is like You and I have had way too much luck in our life.
It’s like a suspicious amount of luck.
Yeah, would you agree with that?
I mean, you’re talented and everything, but a lot of it is luck.
It’s on and dance with people and, you know, like Elon Musk.
He’s a proponent of this.
This thought that, that we’re in a matrix, right?
If you heard him talking about this.
He says a lot of things in sometimes.
I think he’s just kind of just throwing shit out.
Yeah, and I have no way of knowing if this is one of those or he really believes it, but he certainly talks about it.
A bit right in my take on.
That is like yeah, if you’re Elon Musk this must feel like a matrix because what are the odds you invented an electric car in this space program in.
You built this company sold four billion dollars like it starts to feel a little suspicious.
Yeah, maybe I don’t think a guy who’s like, Roofing in the winter and Detroit thinks he’s in a matrix.
If he is, he’s in the world, shit.
He’s made as shitty as me.
I just do.
I doubt they go like, this is too perfect.
This has to be a matrix.
But to that point, do you have him?
Been as lucky as we both are.
Do you think that you’ve willed weird things?
Like do you think there’s some suspicious stuff like that?
They’ve been some moments where you’re, like, this something stinks here.
I think that’s it, smaller things.
I think there are times in my life where I’ve made something happen because I think it’s going to happen.
Yeah, it’s really the secret, right as yeah.
Yeah, if you bully and I do think that I always had like, kind of this like, But yeah, everything is.
I feel like I’m going to win every time I play any, you know, it doesn’t matter what it is.
I think I’m going to win.
Yeah, that’s great.
And I’m surprised when you know, it’s but then I go like, oh, yeah.
It makes sense that I wouldn’t win everything.
Well, I think you and I talked about because you and I are both crazy obsessed with Letterman.
He’s like our God, right?
Yeah, we agree on that.
It was Stern and Letterman are both are God’s is Bill.
So the for me those are the three God.
And I think you want Steve Martin up there too.
But you know, Letterman I appreciate my room but he’s a little too G.
I got you right?
Bill Murray you like you might end up in jail that night if he needs gangster.
Yes, and I’ve been in that situation.
No, no things.
Do you want that?
Banjo scares the fuck out of here, but I think you and I were talking on an airplane once that we would fantasize his kids about being interviewed by Letterman.
Yeah, then we talk about that.
And I hadn’t even in them those moments where I was fantasizing about it.
I didn’t even have an aspiration to be an actor.
So I’m not quite sure what I thought he was gonna interview me about but I really am here.
I didn’t know what, isn’t that weird.
Yeah, like I would be brushing my hair.
Like 10 years old in the mirror was always in the mirror and then I just start thinking about the things you would ask me about my bike or whatever the hell it was.
But I kind of practiced in my head talking to him so many times.
And I gotta wonder is that just is that?
Does everyone do that?
Monica did use the fantasize about?
Yeah, but I’m In the same situation.
Yeah, you won.
You’re an actor.
Yeah, so I think the difference is between the guy in Detroit.
Musk is Elon.
Musk is like, and you two and me are constantly putting things out there with a constantly.
Like, I want this, I want this.
I want this eventually.
I went this fantasizing.
All your whole life.
The guy from Detroit is probably not doing well.
That’s my question front of the other.
Yeah, maybe I guess it’s kind of like some of those things are gonna come true.
What is true?
Try wanted to be super renowned and famous in any number of ways in only a couple of them came true.
But yeah, I thought it was gonna be like a house key, you know, it’s not too late.
It’s not too late.
When I say the other day.
I was gonna learn how to do.
It doesn’t matter.
I’m always trying to figure out what’s when it’s too late.
Like, I don’t play the piano and I still feel like I do need to learn that before I die.
But is it too late to learn a piano?
I think it is because I’ll tell you why it’s ugly right here.
Thank you for telling me those.
I don’t think you’re gonna be satisfied with.
Just being a shitty piano player.
Yeah, you’re gonna go like if you see somebody else playing the piano and he’s really great fucking I’m not playing the piano.
Yeah, you’re probably right, you know, do you play the clip?
You know, what’s funny about interviewing people for this shows?
I’m largely talking to my friends, who I think, I know.
But then I’ll read about them on Wikipedia and if you done that ever.
It’s really fun because you, there’s all these things.
I don’t know about you that I learned like an hour ago.
Like you, you’re glad that you play the clarinet.
Yeah, I do.
I don’t know.
I’ve known you for 13 years and I have no idea you play the clarinet is because it’s not like I whip it out a party.
When there has been times.
I went through my head and I’m like, well, I’ve been in your room where you have instruments and I’ve watched people play at your house and I never saw you fucking Ron Burgundy, break up the clarinet, and blow this shit up.
Well, there aren’t many songs.
You can play the clarinet and itself.
I do have a clarinet.
I have one sitting right next to my desk in my office at work and you play it in your office.
I really play it is on the show and some way like, oh, Like I played with the Killer’s once I played with Huey Lewis.
I think I had like a clarinet battle with an actress who also played the clarinet, you know, but not I don’t and I’m not good at it.
That’s how I was going to say out of a out of tan.
I don’t even know who attend clarinet player is oh, yeah, Brubeck.
Oh Dave Brubeck.
Well, he’s more of a he played the clarinet as well.
But he’s just primarily saxophone player.
So who’s a 1000 like Pete fountain or Goodman or something like that.
Alright, so that’s a tan and then I would, I’m a zero.
Yeah, there are 10 that I’m a probably a one and a half.
Well, no, but I’m a zero.
Okay, I’ll probably like a three.
Yeah, that’s exactly the number, I give myself as a drummer.
As I, I can play the drums.
I’m a drummer, right?
But I’m at best a three.
Yeah, i’ii, I’d say I mean I stopped when I was in high school.
So so that’s what it was.
You played in the, in the I played in the band and accidentally played the clarinet.
That seems like a very Very weird choice for a young man.
It is a weird choice.
I thought I wanted to play Trombone and I thought they were called clarinets.
Do you know how similar this makes us?
Because I picked the Tron trombone solely based on.
The Junior High kids came and showed you the instruments.
And the guy went well with the trombone.
I was like got that’s my inside.
I always liked that too.
Yeah, and then I picked it and then I couldn’t play it as a very hard instruments.
And then my whole life, I thought, why don’t I play the drums?
It doesn’t something that you could apply to the rest of your life.
I like high school life or college guitar, maybe something like that.
I I thought the Claire the trombone was called the clarinet and I signed up six, great flowering all mistake made all the time and I’ll never forget my teacher.
I got into the class and I didn’t have an instrument yet.
And there were a few kids that had clarinets and I said, I’m she’s me, I’m in the wrong class and he said, what didn’t know I was me.
I said clarinet and he said, This is Claire and I go no and I made the trombone motion and he started laughing.
Really American sign language symbol for trombone and he said, well you’re this is, that’s the trombone and we can get you in a trombone class, but we have to, you know, we’ll have to go to the counseling and rearrange your schedule and I went home that day and my mother had for the first time ever in my life went and purchased something for me that I needed for school and it was a clerical.
And I didn’t know that you could return thing’s for sure.
I was a stupid kid.
Yeah, and so, I felt guilty.
But yeah, what the clarinet and so, I just played the clarinet.
Yes, and that kind of, that kind of, it is really sweet story and it kind of parlays into another similar to.
I think we have a maybe.
I just try to find similarities between us, but you are the most generous human being I’ve ever met in my entire life.
No, I am not your 100%.
He’s married to Kristen Bell.
Yeah, and the listen, you are the most generous.
Each person I’ve ever met my life.
I’m not the most generous.
That’s not the comparison was going to make.
But Are you, you are you genuinely that generous or is it somehow linked to that exist?
Or you just told me, which I can relate to, which is I’m very codependent.
I like, I loved my mother so much and if she would have brought me home, anything I would have just dealt with it.
And I’m wondering, is that I think it’s a combination of things.
I think it’s nice.
People say generous, But anxiety is one of them.
Okay, right, but maybe more than anything.
I like the challenge of finding a great gift and I like to see what people As reactions are ya gifts.
I mean, it’s your hobby.
I got ya kind of is I’ve received more thoughtful gifts from you than any family member I’ve ever.
You’ve given me.
And I don’t even know what the occasion was, but you had a pillow embroidered for Kristen and I, that’s right.
At that had the tweet that she sent me proposing marriage, right?
And then my response, what fucking man thinks did make the ping-pong balls he made with my face on it.
Yeah, you know.
When you eat sausage, that was the thing that took great pleasure.
I took pleasure in.
Yeah, your love of socks.
Yes deep love precise.
I don’t know.
I just you know, I just is it a Catholic thing.
I’m wondering like that.
You would have felt guilty about my mom.
My mom, your mom.
Having bought gone out of her way to buy this thing and you don’t want to be a dick.
Well money was always very tied in our family growing up, you know, and so then when you have Some money and also it’s kind of, you know, it’s a creative Endeavor, finding a gift for somebody.
Well, there’s, there’s nothing like going into your garage about two weeks out from Christmas, which I’ve done a dozen times and it’s just floor-to-ceiling packages.
You must buy, I don’t know thousand Christmas presents or yeah, probably.
And are you doing it all year round and birthday also, sometimes I’ll see things I think.
Oh, that’s cool.
And I know I have somebody in my life who was gonna like that.
Like oh, for instance, speaking of Elon Musk.
Yeah, maybe I mean, I tell you this, because this have you were one of the people had in mind for this.
Okay, he started selling flame throwers.
I read that myself.
And so I bought it.
I pre-ordered a couple.
You did wait, Frank flame from Hoarders.
Don’t let that stop you from.
You do that to me.
I would out by January.
You’ll forget about it.
And you’ll never know when that’ll come in handy because someone got me.
I think they thought a little bit as a joke, but someone got me one of those fly.
I killer guns that you put salt and you have one of those.
Oh, yeah, I love those.
It turns out but the other day we have I mean even in tell this story I am going to get so angry.
But you know, we have five feral cats at our house or six kittens.
So it starts with that.
There’s kittens outside, right?
That Kristin discovers and then she starts getting involved with them.
And now we’ve got to capture them all in neuter them or spay them whatever you do for the right and you just can’t imagine how much effort goes into that.
Like my sister Erin.
Did this to, in are doing this, it’s a daily Evolution.
There was a point where I had four of the cats.
They couldn’t catch the fifth cat.
So for were living in my shower for a couple days, and they’re jumping all around because they’re feral cats in the whole fucking room smells terrible like feral cats, and I’m just asking, like, when do we think this projects gonna rap?
Like, is there an end date that we just, we give up.
And we re release these for we.
It took us a week to catch the fifth one.
So, we had all these kids.
And it doesn’t even end there.
So then we capture on one, gets loose at the vet.
One goes under the tub.
My sister’s going to have the whole tub ripped off.
It all ends.
It culminates with Kristen’s got food outside from and now we have this gigantic raccoon.
The biggest fucking raccoon.
You’ve ever seen in your life is not now.
It’s living in the backyard and it’s the size of like a Boston Terrier.
It’s quite large really, and we’re laying in bed.
And we hear this thing, ripping apart, this food dispenser.
It sounds like someone crashed into the side of the house.
I Outside to suggest Klein at this thing, and I’m like a fucking great.
I gotta get this raccoon out of here because we have a dog that’s going to fight the raccoon Bubba.
And I’m like, what am I gonna do?
I can’t shoot this thing with a relied on obviously and I go oh the salt, the fly shooter.
So I thought that’s that’s a humane way to shoot this thing.
So I ended up going out there shooting in and it’s very thick fur.
It didn’t like it enough to leave didn’t hurt it.
It didn’t cry, but I thought look how this thing really came in handy.
Yeah, did you like that story kind of came in handy?
Because it didn’t work.
They did work.
I drove the raccoon away.
Worked with my fly salt gun.
Can I make a suggestion as I would love a suggestion, paintball gun?
Well, do you think that’s Humane?
Yeah, I’m gonna shot with a paintball gun.
A million times.
In fact, I’ve paid to be more gun.
I had coyotes hovering in my backyard one time.
Well, with my ex-girlfriends dog.
I was worried about so I got up and I don’t want to like shoot them with a BB.
This is in the lake Hollywood.
Oh, I got a paintball go.
Which I never had the occasion to use on them.
But but I think that’s the way to go.
Yeah, and you did you don’t have to tell me publicly if you got one maybe later.
I would tell you if I’m be pretty proud of myself.
I got one.
But it did you pick a certain color that you thought.
I can think I got bread or something.
I don’t know.
Yeah, I mean this is this is one of those stories that could really backfire on us.
Ya know what?
There’s I kept the paintball in the garage paper gun in the garage when canister and everything and I had this idea that I don’t know.
I think they sensed that I got it or something.
Yeah, there because they never seem close again.
Yeah, when I was reading about you, I didn’t know you had a controversy in Detroit.
I’m from Detroit.
I had a big guy almost got cancelled.
There’s no rules that cancel, which I can’t even believe.
So if it’s true what it says on Wikipedia, you were basically there and there is going to be a Lakers Pistons game.
And you said, No, that’s not what happened.
Oh, I’m already, I was in LA.
Oh, you were in Allah and Lakers and pistons were playing in the NBA finals.
And I said something to the effect of, I was being interviewed by Mike Tirico on ABC, and I said something to the effect of, well, I’m rooting.
I’m rooting for the Lakers because I really like Detroit and I hate to see them burn the city down.
If yes, Pistons win, which I, you know, I thought I don’t know why I thought that wouldn’t be a fence.
Live well, but it was quiet.
Shouldn’t be offensive.
I’m from Detroit in every devil’s night the night before Halloween, we burn the city down.
Yeah, and I just wonder how on Earth could anyone have been offended.
It’s just a fact that we yearly burn the city.
I think Sports have a big part of our big reason for it because when you say something and you’re rooting for the other team, you’re that, you know people descend on you, they’re already defense.
There are already super defensive and you know, I was like, His fan, you know, stirring things up.
It’s as if you had said though, if the Bulls win, it’s going to be windy as hell in Chicago, like a fucking.
We burn the place down once a year.
Well, that’s not how they looked at it.
And they were they very upset and they chose not to air your show that night in Detroit, right?
Well, what actually happened was, I hearing everybody was mad in Detroit, as I am inclined to do decide to double down and get much worse.
I did that and they were really mad.
Are you to tell us what they think we did a?
I think we did.
We did some bit involving a fire and a lot of fire.
I don’t remember what it was exactly, but the local affiliate was like, Hey, you know, we’re here in Detroit.
We don’t need to be the, hey, it’s great for you being.
The hated guy but we live here.
Yeah, I’m gonna pull you off the air and I was like, all right.
Well waiting in the do and then one of the guys that works at ABC’s.
Like you realize if you get pulled off the air in Detroit, the whole show the show is like, that’s it.
What year was?
This is the first year of the show and by the way, I wouldn’t have been so upset.
If if they had pulled the show off the are you thinking this is there’s a lot of cities in America.
We can live without know.
I was thinking great.
I don’t have to fool fucking job anymore.
It was no immediately a rude awakening because I remember again, you and I were on airplane.
Let’s just say this should have been stated at the beginning, but I did your show one time, but then we both happen to be in Detroit weirdly enough for some GM event.
And then we flew back on a plane together and then we sat together and then we talked the whole time we became buddies, but I started hanging out, right?
And on one of those then we also flew together to some Really janky version of UFC.
Yeah, that was great.
Yeah, that actually was really great things.
We had great barbecue a look like, ufd - is what it was.
And two, gals fought and it was before the the, the level of fighting between women has gotten to the bug.
The Ronda Rousey was more, like a bar fight is like your sister and I one of her friends fighting.
Yeah, and there was a moment where like, we couldn’t decide if we were into it or not.
Like we’re trying to give it a fair shake and then one girl, punched another girl in the boob in, she said, At how like it was the saddest real owl.
Our mother fell down the stairs.
Both felt very ashamed of ours.
We did, we were like, why are we here?
Why are we watching this woman to fight his, and then they hugged and cried.
Yes, they hugged each other and cried for like three or four minutes and we just kept going Jesus.
We gotta get out of this situation.
I wasn’t so excited about the guys fighting either.
No, that’s with you.
That was all standard bad.
Whole thing was that had we not had such a good barbecue in the whole trip.
Would have been a wash.
But on one of those trips.
I was saying to you.
Of course, having been obsessed with Letterman that I always fantasized about having Letterman’s job or your job.
And you said to me and I’m so it’s so rare that I actually believe someone and you go, it’s so much more work than I think you realize it is.
And then you just kind of walk to me through what you’re the commitment that the show.
Oh is and I really thought.
Oh, that’s too much for me.
I don’t think I could do that.
Oh, yeah, it’s Relentless, right?
It is Relentless.
And it gets easier.
You have to hold her but it had that time.
Like when that at that time the show was live at 9:05 p.m.
And so we weren’t even done with our work day until 10:00 6 p.m.
And it would just start over again as soon as you woke up in the morning and it was five nights a week and Was in office, that had no windows.
And I was there all day long and I just like I’m going to die in this hole.
Yeah, this is no good.
And we had no guess, you know, it’s funny and then you said something else though.
That was Brian’s like you said.
Once you do that that’s the end of the road.
So if you don’t succeed at that, you don’t don’t then go act you don’t do anything you.
That was your shot and that’s a wrap on you.
I mean who do you know other than maybe doing another talk show on a Lower scale.
Who does anything after talks?
So it’s this all this risk and then yeah if it works out, it’s great.
Yeah, you still have to do the job.
But that, yeah, that were you thinking at that time.
You know, what?
I don’t want this this bad.
I thought maybe if I get out soon enough, I won’t.
It won’t have that effect.
Go back and do other two man show again or something, you know?
Yeah, because what was the workload on The Man Show compared six months out of the year.
So we did, you know, we did what we did a lot.
Did 24 episodes in six months?
Yeah, and then we had six months off and write or to do something else.
Yeah, which that, you know, having that you know that island with.
No pit bulls on us to swim too.
Yeah, is a huge mentally, it’s huge.
But at that time, I was any of you hand, have you hacked it at all, over the years, where you have figured out, you have, you know, what are some of the like big changes that helped?
Well one is one big thing is that, you know, No one at our show, knew what they were doing, right?
No one had any exposure, only our head writer had experience in late night television.
As far as doing that particular job, and I’d hire died.
Saddled him with, you know, just like a bunch of my buddies and family members.
And oh, yeah, and so we really didn’t know.
We are booking system was crazy.
We hired a book or from a magazine and that the way they like magazine like it.
It was I think it was like in style magazines, popular magazine.
Like they basically tell celebrities who they don’t want.
That’s how that variety.
Yeah, there was no planning ahead.
I always say that, you know, people are so focused on the first episode of a talk show and like, oh, that first episode and what everyone should really be focused on, is that Wednesday’s episode?
You know, what, because that’s where you start to see what it’s really gonna mean.
That’s where you really get when you’re out of favors.
Yeah, when You’ve your lead, guys?
Got your second night’s.
Big gas has gone.
The B you’ve worked on for the last six months.
Not putting that show have now been spent.
And now you’re like, okay.
What are you really gonna do?
Yeah, because the Kristen did your hosted, your show.
You know what?
Yesterday really was the 15-year anniversary of us because we premiered on Super Bowl Sunday.
That was your lead-in.
Well, yeah, we’re on that Sunday night.
That’s pretty fucking lucky.
Don’t you think it?
Yeah, it was kind of well in a way I was lucky in a way.
It wasn’t it was lucky in that we had a lot of people watching but then you’re going but also people watching me doing terrible job.
Yeah, you know, yeah, that is rough.
We Parenthood had that same lucky thing, which was we launched on the Winter Olympics and at that time.
Nobody was watching NBC like 10 years ago, you know, they were the right there in last place.
That was the one thing people.
People were watching and it gave us a good launch because none of their shows.
That’s still one of my all-time favorite network television show.
I always made me so Passat.
Don’t have to yell watch that.
I love that show.
I loved it.
I loved doing it.
It was a great show.
Yeah, I always felt like it was it was like it should have absolutely been nominated for and won Emmys every year and I just I haven’t figured out maybe it was because there was such an ensemble show and there was nobody was the star of that show.
Yeah, it’s hard for me to separate myself from being inside of it, and evaluating it that way, because I’m like, I think we’re doing something special but then I’m like, but what the fuck do I know?
I’m in, I’m inside of it but Minka Kelly who was on the show, right?
She was also on so Jason katims created and ran Parenthood.
And he also created and ran Friday Night Lights.
And so she was a guest star on the show and we got talking at lunch and I said, she’s like, oh paranoid so good and I go it’s not as good as Friday Night Lights.
It’s like Friday Night Lights is the best fucking show ever and she’s like, no, this is so much better than frying lights and I’m like, so we’re getting in this debate over what, you know, what shows better and something weird happened where I was editing hit and run like during one of the seasons and I was so busy doing that that I stopped reading the scripts.
I would only read my part.
So I was prepared to do my scenes but I didn’t know what was going on in the show.
Then I started watching the show not knowing what was coming and everything changed for me.
Then I was like just a normal person and I didn’t know what was going to happen all these And then I like fell in love with it and then I never read the scripts again.
Yeah, my wife and I we loved it from that, right?
From the outset.
Yeah, that really made me happy.
But you were saying, Kristen hosted the show and she has the show and I was with her that day and oh, it was we were at the end.
And all we could say was like, how does he do this every day that process of the rehearsal and then coming back?
And I mean, I guess maybe it’s different because they know you a little better writing, why?
Is but well, but, you know, you should, you know, part of the thing is, like, I’m involved in, even the writing of like, when the guest hosts are.
Yeah, you know, everything runs through me.
So it’s about, you know, in some ways it’s harder to be the guest host because you don’t know the drill and, you know, not familiar, but in other ways it’s actually easier because you have things going in, there’s a separation.
Whereas some days I will I walk in the show.
Like, I don’t know what Going to do on the show tonight, and we just have to figure it out it rehearsal.
And are those shows better or worse than when you did have Aries it very it does.
Because I was watching Robert Downey jr.
On that Sam Jones Show, get interviewed and it was really fascinating because he Sam said like, how much do you prepare?
And he said, well, I’ve done everything.
He’s like I was chaplain and I was chaplain like I, you know, I was method and I did that and he goes and now, I wear an earpiece and I have my Mine said to me right before I say them and he goes I’m not adverse to the work.
I just found that I my personality lends itself to chaos like when I’m hearing something for the very first time.
Before I say it, that’s what’s Magic for me and I’m like, well, that’s really cool that he’s done.
It’s like Picasso he painted normal before he did cubism or whatever I so I’m curious.
Yeah, if you ever felt like when it’s chaotic somehow, that’s just as good or there’s a value to that or it does SU scary.
To proceed that way.
Always or no, but I think you have to have a plan going in and be prepared to abandon it.
Yeah, it’s holds true more for any views because for, you know, when I’m doing a monologue, you know, it’s just me standing out there and everybody has to know like people like the director has to know what Clips to go to, you know, so just from lot of logistics.
There were a lot of other people involved.
So you have to clue them in on what you might do.
Yeah, but some nights when the nights were we don’t really have things planned those.
The knights were will do some kind of whatever excuse is for me to go out on the street and just talk to people who are walking by and sometimes we call it Farner, not or sometimes you make it a quiz or whatever, but ultimately, it’s just me.
Riffing with people outside.
Yeah, and that I like that because by the way, that’s what we loved about Dave, right?
Talk to the deli owner.
It almost always goes.
Yeah, very rarely does it not go well.
And in a way.
A way it kind of makes you go.
Like why do I do all the other hard stuff when I can just do this?
Yeah, but I think if he did it every night, I would become you.
Like are you jealous of stern?
Maybe I’m wrong about that.
The way that shows put together, but it does appear to me at least that he is large.
There isn’t a pre-interview when you go do his show.
So he really is just chatting.
I’m sure he’s been prepared by Gary whatever to have hits.
He’s would prepared.
I think than most people, then you realize he is.
I mean, he reads all the research about the guests.
Yeah, rights questions for the guests e, you know, he spends most exhausting of all when you’re on the radio that every day and this is what’s most exhausting is, you can’t do anything for pledge, just for pleasure.
You can’t just kind of sit there and enjoy something.
If you watch a television show, if you go out to dinner, whatever you’re writing little notes down, you’re constantly aware of just to give you because you need so much material.
So like I was listening to Howard talk about the Super Bowl and he’s like, where am I notes?
And like, you can starts going through all these notes, you realize, this guy didn’t enjoy watching the Super Bowl at all, right.
He’s mining time mining.
Like, yeah, and that’s why Howard.
I think watch his shows like The Bachelor because you can, you get a lot more material from a show, like The Bachelor then from show that, it’s from a show.
That’s finished and good.
Them breaking bad.
Yeah, it doesn’t give you.
Yeah, so he is attracted to Those shows that, you know, an award show something that are my treasure Trove of funny.
Yeah, because he doesn’t, he doesn’t have the luxury of being able to watch things just for pleasure.
I can relate to that in that when I was in the Groundlings and I had to write six sketches a week for years and put them up every Wednesday night.
Like my whole life was that you’d have a waiter that said, something weird and I’m like, oh there’s a sketch there.
Oh and then this happened at a traffic light.
Oh, there’s a sketch there and it was kind of maddening.
Yeah, you’re as you say you’re not actually experiencing life.
You’re observing it with the intention of making fun of it.
And yeah Point.
Yeah, that’s a little.
So you have, do you hate John Oliver?
Do I hate him?
I mean, I know you love him.
I’m saying, are you jealous of the fact that he has a week to do that show.
Yeah, and then he’s all this time off.
Do you think in the future you will craft a show for yourself that probably not.
I think so you’re doing this.
I’ll do this until I’m done doing this and that That’ll probably be that 15 years is a long time.
Yeah, In Your Wildest Dreams, did you think you would be doing the show for 15?
And how I the one thing that they like if I’m reading about you.
There’s just no explanation and I know you and there’s no explanation.
How on Earth did you go from the Manchu to even have your own show on ABC?
That seems like a crazy.
There was, you know, a Quantum rose on the radio for 12 years.
Yes, and then, and I was here on where you’re here in La for five years, so, A lot of people Kevin and being show.
Yeah, we’re producers would that was a very it was a very popular show so they’d hear me.
And so I’d get calls from this person to that but mostly like to do writing or some little like commercial or something like that and I just, you know, just for, I never imagined I’d be on TV.
I just did it for money, but then I got Win Ben Stein’s Money, which was a game show on Comedy Central.
That was my first show, right, and we started the same week as South Park, that was art, show premiered that week and that show was on, I was on that show for four, maybe five seasons and then it continued for two Seas.
Were you doing in the radio simultaneously?
I was doing the radio I would do, I was on the radio from 5:30 to 10 a.m.
And then I Rush right over to the studio and do that show from like 11:30 until 7:30 p.m.
When I drive all the way home to the West Valley and start all over again, early in the morning.
That was a tiring time in my life.
But that was only three months here or there.
Yeah, and then I did I was on Fox NFL Sunday for four years.
I was the I made football picks and I did a comedy sketch every week.
And also, then we’d start doing the man show and we did that for Four Seasons as well and some of these overlap with each other.
And so I really I got to the point where I kind of had cornered the market on young males.
Yeah, as far as audience go, you know, I had that Sports background, I had in the And Joe is successful.
You guys had a pretty big audience, right?
I was very sick.
Number one on Spike.
Is that what it was?
There’s a comedy show comedy central.
I was very, very popular.
Our last season was our most popular season.
And in fact, they did continue doing the show for another season.
After we left the tried to continue, they replace you with Doug Stanhope.
Yeah, Joe Rogan.
Yeah, and and so then ABC, I think, you know, at the time late night was very male.
It was like, The audience was like 70% mail for late-night television.
What is it now?
Yeah, and at that but it was different at that time.
It was very male oriented.
So they thought we want to get somebody that guy’s preferably young guys like and you know, it kind of made sense plus.
I think I bowled the president of ABC over with my knowledge of late-night TV, which was just from watching it, you know, but yeah and being what they had never done.
They had never done late night, how they hadn’t done it since Jerry Lewis in the 60s.
Yeah, so that’s they made a run at Letterman and he decided to go to CBS and but they will go there ready to go.
And then once they already cleared that kind of spot for they said, well, you know what?
We didn’t get Letterman.
Maybe we should find somebody else to do the show and find somebody that’s going to be a lot cheaper and we won’t have to necessarily get the ratings that Letterman gets, but yeah, we’ll make some money off of The show.
Well, who else is on then?
Craig kilborn was on the air then Craig kilborn was on after Letterman.
And then who was after Lenna Leno after let, oh boy, it’s so crazy.
That this is now not coming to me immediately.
Yeah, you think you’re perceived knowledge of lightning was like, oh good.
This will, this guy will help us because we don’t know what we’re doing.
He seems to really understand it even though he’s never done it.
I don’t know.
I really don’t know.
It was They approached you, they approached me, and, and they didn’t approach Adam or did that know in an approach?
Was that how?
Well, that’s like being and Adam, and I had an already decided to leave The Man Show.
Oh, you had yes now and to do separate things, not necessarily do several things.
In the fact, Adam worked with me at the talk show for the first year.
He would come in handy, right?
How about but we had decided that we didn’t want to do it anymore.
Based on one thing that happened and this is so funny because I Now, no looking back on it.
That, if we denounce this The Comedy Central that we weren’t going to do anymore.
They would have paid us a lot more money is staying keep doing it.
But at the time we’re like, okay, we’re not going to do this anymore.
Adam was still doing love line at the time.
So he had that radio show.
That was very big them.
It was a cynically making all over the country now not a ton but you know, but he was doing pretty well.
Yeah, and at that time I just thought oh, but what happened was Adam, we had a It we said it’s like, we’re talking about, like, your dad’s like your friend’s dad’s and what jerks they could be, when you’re a kid.
Oh, yeah, and he’s like, yeah, my friend’s dad.
He’s one of those guys that said, he’s one of those guys that would say, like, opinions are like assholes.
Everyone has one and the audience instead of instead of going.
Oh, yeah, that’s a lame thing.
Everybody says they clapped in applauded and Adam and I looked at each other, like this is it he can’t do this.
We can’t do this anymore, these people.
Yeah, it’s disheartening.
And so we decided that would be it.
I don’t know what we do.
We had Crank Yankers at the time, though.
And that was going well, too.
Yeah, so we had some things happening, you know, so it wasn’t like when you know Hall & Oates are together and they approached Daryl and say why don’t you just be a solo act?
It’s known and in feel like that to either of you, none at all.
And then then we start working on a sitcom for Adam, for ABC at that time.
And he and I worked on that together.
And so, you know, we were going to do separate things.
But the plan always was, and still is to a large extent to this day that we would help with each other’s projects, right?
He replaced Stern and Allah in Phoenix, Seattle in the west coast.
I was the executive producer of the show, you know, we’re always kind of involved in each other’s things.
Yeah, but you didn’t pursue that show.
They just literally approached you.
Yeah, not only.
Did they approach me?
They They misled me.
They told me they wanted to talk about a Thursday night variety show, which I told my agent.
I was like, I have no interest in that.
Yeah, and my agent said, listen, the president of ABC wants to meet with.
You is not some like V person, right?
If the president of ABC wants to meet with you.
You should give him the courtesy of a mean, I said, well, I don’t want to waste this time.
I’m not going to do that.
Yeah, and when I got in the meeting with Lloyd, Braun, he never even mentioned the Thursday night variety show.
He just started asking me about late-night what I thought.
I started talking about Letterman and then I went home and I called my agent was like, I don’t know what that was about, but he seemed like a nice guy.
We just talked about Letterman the whole time and my agent was like, oh that’s weird.
And I got home and Adam carolla’s wife was an assistant at ABC.
Oh real and she called and said, they’re gonna offer you the late-night spot.
That’s like what late-night spot.
They have no late-night spot watching and she’s like they’re going to offer you a late night talk show and sure enough, the next day they did and I said, Yes, and that was that.
And you were you terrified or you were just obviously, I’d used.
I’d say more than anything.
I was just kind of confused.
Yeah, and then we had to like, build a sad and, you know, come up with a logo.
Yeah, you just get caught up in all this.
Yeah, and people probably forget, you also had like a different format.
You’d have like a guest host every week, right?
Join you for the whole week.
How long did that last?
That lasted for about two years?
That was hurting Our Guest bookings.
I kind of enjoyed it and it helped me get through.
Those early years were wasn’t really capable of hosting a show on my own but I was capable of sitting with somebody and talking.
Yeah, it was a crutch and in retrospect.
I’m glad we got rid of it.
But the real reason we got rid of it, is it made it hard to book guess because, you know, nobody’s gonna know publicist is going to book.
When with Paltrow when your co-host that weeks might be back.
Yeah, Mike Tyson or and yeah, like that.
Yeah, that’s pretty shell.
People were kind of like, well, we’ll wait to see.
See you or your co-host is and we never had that plan in advance.
Yeah, but I would say there’s a few things that right out of the gates like while pursuing directing.
There’s a little voice in my head that has said you’re not a big enough asshole to be a great director because invariably every single great director that’s working you here.
Terrible stories, and I think I maybe I’m not a big enough asshole to be a really good director and there are a couple things about you.
You’re actually Social and normal, you’re a normal human being, you go to your house, your friendly and you enjoy being around people, which is pretty rare for late-night, talk show these.
I don’t think it is any more.
I think it was a, well, a Letterman’s is weird as it gets.
Yeah, but none of the guys on now are weird like literally none of them.
Yeah, but you started that.
I was aware Colbert’s not work.
None of these guys.
They’re all nice.
Guys are all like, I mean, honestly, yeah, but that but the history.
It is like is Carson.
Was a recluse kind of right?
Yeah, and Letterman certainly Stern.
Although now, he’s learned to become social, right?
Leno’s not hanging out with anybody really to my knowledge.
Yeah, but Linda was always chatty with people and he’d come in and talk.
You know what, I think it is.
I don’t think anyone who’s on now has the cachet and the kind of mystery and status that any of those guys.
Yeah, I guess the whole hand really nobody’s going to tolerate me being a recluse.
Oh fuck off.
Yeah, but then the other weird thing because I’ve done all these talk shows and I’m done a lot of them several times.
You also have this unique thing where you’re not panicked which I think is kind of unique about find that other.
I feel like there is you have a very relaxed kind of interaction when I’m on your show and when I watch you, you’re not like you’re not And you know, sprinting to try to get the next laughs.
You’re like you’re very comfortable and relaxed which is I think a kind of a unique characteristic.
I think it’s from Radio.
I think it’s from being on the radio for four and a half hours every day and just getting used to silence.
Yeah, being comfortable with a little bit of Silence.
Well, now, let me ask you this, though.
Because you have told me interesting, things about it over the years, which like, one thing is, the whole shows about the monologue, right?
That’s really what people, that’s your ratings.
Yeah, which would then blows my mind.
I would have, I would have assumed, it’s all about getting Tom Cruise on your show.
But really, it’s the monologue is your show.
Basically, you want a consistent high level of guests for sure?
Because then your, I think it’s more about, like, kind of what people expect and what their perception of the show is if you have but individual guess there are maybe five of them that will actually bump your radio, a bump your rating.
I have to assume people watch your show or they don’t do.
Yeah, and then so.
So what other?
What other things because you’ve discovered all these things.
So you the format change, you got rid of the guest host and then you kind of struck gold with the the viral videos, right?
That was like a huge, kind of knew we even after up fold or, or a rune ruined everything.
Probably the latter, because that’s a hard machine to feed, isn’t it?
Well, it’s not even that it’s just that it’s taken away.
Like there’s no urgency to be in.
Front of your television at 11:30 anymore because I can see it later.
I do remember watching Letterman, like I remember falling asleep.
Once when Shirley MacLaine was going to be on Letterman and he always had a war with her.
Every time she was on, is something uncomfortable happened.
And I remember I was up, I was right.
And the next thing I knew it was 3:00 in the morning and like II was despondent.
Yeah, there are.
You write it would never ever.
Like ever miss.
It exists a game of the World Series.
Yeah, it was.
Terrible and you know just that kind of that urgency is, you know, because it’s almost like with record albums.
Like you don’t have to buy the whole album because you can just cherry-pick.
Yeah, thing you want to see?
Yeah, it is true.
I have two little kids.
I go to bed early when I see, you’re like highlights.
I’m definitely seeing at the yeah.
Yeah, and it’s funny because you work so hard on the whole show and then, you know, just like one little piece of it is what people see.
And yeah, but it didn’t that, that Aggregates now being Acknowledged at least, isn’t it?
It is so even if you have like a little compartment of your show that is its acknowledged, but it’s the amount of money that the show makes on like YouTube compared to the amount of money.
They make from television advertising.
Yeah, it’s you know, it’s we ten percent of our revenues from online viewing and online viewing is we get 50 million people watching a week, you know online.
Yeah, that’s crazy.
And yeah, you got half of that watching live, you’d be making 100 million a year.
Well, we yeah, I mean, we yeah.
You mean oh, and I mean, like, first nicely 25 million people tuned in to your show.
I mean, it’s you’d be Modern Family times 3 or whatever.
It’s pretty crazy.
Yeah, and what am I your kind of mean to you, like to play jokes on people?
You ruin my birthday party.
One time he came over and I am can’t ruin a party.
When it happens at the end of the party.
The party was over know.
And when I Of that birthday party.
I only think of that coffee pot, but I like to believe, I like to believe that you you knowing how happy it made me actually made you happy as a result.
Well, that’s what kept us from ever getting in like a fist fight.
But, but when it happened is I like to make my coffee the night before and I set a timer, so it’ll be ready.
When I wake up in the morning.
This is like the most important part of my whole day is that?
When I wake up, the kitchen smells like coffee and So, I had gone through the whole process.
A muscle cheap is a motherfucker as we just discussed on the way up.
Neither of us will heat our pool, right?
Yeah, I think that’s reasonable.
I don’t think that’s cheap.
Well, both hey for like, 14 friends to eat at a restaurant, right?
Like a thousand dollars, but I will not heat my pool for my show.
If all 14, friends, get in the pool.
Well, that’s true.
There is a time and place to heat the pool, but in general, I won’t do it.
So, you know, I I make myself 10, 10 cups of coffee and I buy Starbucks.
So, this is about a four dollar pot of Off you have made and because there was a party and had gotten switched to the Brew mode, and not the auto on mode.
I made the whole thing.
I hit the button, which I thought was, arming it for the next morning.
I go into the living room.
We play ping-pong, and I smell coffee.
All of a sudden.
I’m like, why the fuck is the coffee going out?
So I’m inordinately mad right out of the gates at the, this coffee is brewed.
So then I go back in.
I have to throat.
No one’s drinking coffee, at 9:00 at night tonight, pour out, 10 cups of coffee in the sink.
That makes me even matter.
And then now I Remake it.
Now, my step dad watches me remake this coffee and then he sees me hit the thing.
I’ve now put it on Auto on.
I now, go to play ping.
My stepdad thinks.
Oh poor guy.
He meant to brew a pot of coffee, but I put it on the timer.
So he puts the number bruised.
It’s enough playing thing, but I fucking smell the coffee the second time and now my reaction is as someone drove a car through the living room.
Like I am.
So angry that now I’m out 25 In cups of Starbucks coffee, I like storm in there.
I’m actually yelling in the party.
Don’t fucking touch the coffee pot.
Like, I don’t no one touches this coffee pot.
I pour out the coffee.
I make a whole new batch of coffee.
Go back in 15 minutes later.
Careful, cuz all right, man.
I’m taking off.
I’ll see you later in the fucking door.
Shuts, and then I smell coffee.
You went in there and brewed a third pot of coffee.
I remember you, looking out the window.
And I didn’t, I hadn’t told Sarah my girlfriend.
What I’ve done?
You must have been so delighted and I was like, you know, of course tear just think I’m like, what did you do?
You do make more coffee.
I mean, I had to actually embarrassed myself.
Like, how do you even the third pot?
The parties, like he is one of my rationally up to not only start the car.
Yeah, you had.
Yeah, so then I then dumped 30 fucking cups.
Coffee down and made a fourth batch.
But then in this is where, I’m not mean you you had left your wallet at my house.
You remember that?
You drove away and then later, I found your wallet.
Yeah, and I should have poured coffee all over it and then giving it back to you.
Yeah, but the only of understood, the only mean thing I’ve ever done to you is that, you know, assuming because your job is to basically monitor how stories are going like, if someone’s on your show.
And they’re telling a story and it’s a dud, you’ve got to save them and this is what your occupation is to.
To keep things.
So on this trip where we went and saw this, this low-level UFC thing.
I got to the airport way before, Jimmy did and we met, I met a guy there that would happen to also be on our plane and he told me it was a 40-minute story about getting a swing set to his house in Hawaii.
It was the most boring story I’ve ever heard in my life.
I couldn’t believe it was being told, this is the the whole drive on the dirt road.
I heard about every mile.
Of the road read.
This story was so bad and we get on the airplane and Jimmy sitting directly next to him.
And I go, hey, Mike, tell Kim.
All that great swing set story and then I just got to sit there for 40 minutes.
It was worth me hearing the stories all over.
Is your endorsement made me think there were it was like going to become a huge family would have died.
Installing this swing set at some point, but it just never got it.
The punchline of the story was it was a functioning swing set.
Yet he is spent Wells.
I did that.
Same thing to Garry Shandling.
Once there was a guy we’re having dinner.
Was Kevin Nealon is birthday?
And there was this guy there and he was like, one of these guys are like, oh, please don’t sit next to me, kind of, yeah, he told a terrible story in the whole, the whole point of the story was just to tell him.
Tell us that he knew someone famous.
And that was the whole thing is like, one of those stories.
Well, by the way, that the whole swing sets or is about how rich the sky was icy.
The ultimate punch line was that he had about 120 Grand into this swing set.
That is why we heard about it because he had to go.
Oh, yes, so I have to put it in my Suzuki Sidekick.
I only owned that car just on the island.
Like there was all these things that things he owned.
He didn’t use whatever people always think they’re clever with that kind of.
Yeah, they’re not gonna.
Yeah, you should dude, that would have taken 30 seconds.
This guy tells this terrible terrible story and Garry Shandling like just bails and says I have to go to the bathroom.
He gets he gets up and start as the story.
He begins and and then he goes to the bathroom.
This guy tells a story and Gary comes back and sit down, sit down.
I said, hey Gary missed the story starts Gerry Whispers.
I’ve never seen this side of you.
We got to hear the whole story over again.
So now that you’ve got the show kind of dialed in.
And by the way, it’s visible on you.
I think this this, this is happened to both of us.
You wouldn’t know this probably but there’s the You know, the show.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
So Rob mcelhenney.
Have you ever had him on the show?
Yep, he’s one of the Creator’s.
A good friend of mine.
And his wife Caitlin’s husband.
Yeah, one of my favorite people on the planet and he, he pointed out that the weird thing about sitcoms is that the actors get progressively better looking on the sitcom’s because they’re getting rich, right?
He’s like, if you look at the first season of friends, they’re all like sixes and then by like the eighth season, In there all tens, you know I’m saying, like they’re getting the facials and they have a good stylist, right everything.
So he he gained, like, 60 pounds in the offseason of, It’s Always Sunny.
So he did one season as a fat ass, which I just got the greatest decision to make for him.
Not me, but likewise, when I come out under your show, everything, I always bringing up.
I’m like you’re getting better and better looking which is very suspicious and I think I am getting better looking as well.
Because I have a picture of me you and Bradley Cooper at that birthday party.
Oh, yeah, right.
Should I send it?
We are reasonably Wheeling.
Look like the red.
It looks like day one at a treatment center.
Yeah, we all have terrible bags under eyes or hair.
We have terrible haircuts.
Everything is bad.
We’re hovering over Scrabble board.
Yes, I what?
I’m trying to remember.
I posted that picture but I mean it’s a career-ending photo.
Maybe brought it to your show.
Something said it on the show.
Well, there’s what are you aware of the fact that you’ve been?
You’ve been basically getting incrementally more handsome.
They’ve gotten thinner your hair, some out looks thicker.
Well, it’s definitely the weight loss, but oh my hair is definitely not thicker, but they’re your do or not do something that it looks so robust to me.
Well, I am I see you, I made.
So I had some bad choices wardrobe-wise, and I had some bad choices makeup wise.
It’s a learning curve.
I had vampire sideburns.
Also part of it.
Also is the start when Styles change you I just look weird when you look back.
Losing, you know, I never, you know, it’s funny because I make fat jokes about myself and that was part of my ACT, but I never actually thought I was fat, right?
Right kind of lying.
He’s gonna make that like felt fraudulent about is just another area.
I was able to go and because I was a skinny kid and so you have that in your head like yeah kind of what you were.
I was like the skinniest kid and yeah and the area, you know, and so I always thought of Las Vegas After Baldwin are.
And and and but now I look back and like, oh, wow.
Yeah, it was like pretty fat like actually fat and that’s the way to go.
Carolla always says, like, you know, when women for their wedding will like loot diet, lose a lot of weight and whatever he’s like, no, you go the other way because you don’t want to end.
That picture is on the mantel and you don’t want to look at my God boy.
You’ve really put on a waste of the opposite.
That’s your heart.
That’s that’s my philosophy.
That’s happening in yet because I’m assuming you feel that way about me.
Don’t you a little bit?
Because generally, when I walk out on stage, I always thought you looked good though.
I’m well, thank you for that.
But I do find that when I walk out on stage because quite often, it’s been like eight months since we’ve seen each other or something, and we walk out and I find myself like startled with how good-looking you look well.
And then, of course, I’ll be wearing a suit, which you never see me in a suit.
And the, I feel like I’m reading on your face that you’re startled to.
Well, we look at each other.
First of all, we’re worrying, like weird.
We’re never we like look at how her dress, right?
Secondly, we’re groomed.
We have makeup on final touches.
You, you know, I’ve got a lot of like hair filler in and stuff.
Yeah, we outer, we look nice.
We’ve got, you know, at a fake tan like kind of if there’s a Strangler sister system came on in the studio during her interview.
I would have mud dripping down.
My I’d have all the black people that’s on my all this.
Yeah, showing just be we would just have mud wrestling down our faces.
But um, but yeah.
And also, So, you know, I think the beard has helped because I don’t really have a masculine chin.
The beard is that it is a really good look for you.
What am I?
So angry last night crowd?
She’s going, she’s touching my beer and she goes.
Why is it?
Why is it white, you know, this is getting white and I said, well, I’m I’m getting older and she said is it going to get white?
And I said, yeah, it’s going to get why she goes, you won’t be a daddy anymore.
I said, well, meaning of you’ll be like Papa be a grandpa.
When, you know, you had you’re too old to be having kids.
Yeah, yeah, right to G i–, trip out on that a bit.
Our kids are the same age and I think, oh, man, when they’re in high school, I’m going to be that kind of older dad.
I mean, maybe not in l.a.
Imagine how I feel, right?
Because you’re a couple years older than me.
Ya, and ya, do ya.
I spend a lot about that at all.
Yeah, I add up like when I’m, I did it last night as I was going to bed.
I was like, okay, I’m 50.
My daughter’s three years old when she’s my age.
Oh, I’ll be dead.
Yeah, I think to myself, I’m going to have to be extremely healthy to watch our graduate from college or or get married or have a kid.
Like I’m gonna science is going to have to intervene Crispers gonna have to work.
All these things are going to.
My daughter is, is my dad was my age when I had my oldest daughter.
So it’s like, like I look at it that way.
It’s like, oh my God.
And my mom was my age.
I was Writing College.
It’s race is very scary.
There’s only two more things.
I really want to talk to you about one is you weren’t super political, right?
That’s fair to say, right for the Fiat for 13 of the years.
Yeah, but I publicly I always been on the show there was always that was part of the show.
Come much more a part of the show, I guess.
In just in general.
You’re always going to be making fun of whoever the president is and that kind of stuff and some presents give you more opportunities.
Nice to do that.
Unless you have a certainly, this one’s, yeah.
Mine is right at the top.
Yeah, he’s really up there.
But you’ve gone further than that, obviously with, you know, Healthcare and stuff like that, which clearly is motivated by Billy and that makes a ton of sense, but I’m wondering what’s the kind of internal dialogue when you’re deciding whether or not, it’s an issue your because as you probably experience, it comes at Great expense.
It’s too right?
Yeah, it does.
In its that, I don’t care who you are.
That stuff’s hard to, whether even when I it is, I have my little causes that I’ll do on Twitter, you know, and whether it’s pro-life, or it’s gay marriage or whatever thing is.
And even though I should be able to write off the people that are sending me hateful things.
I should be able to just go.
It does affect me.
I’ll read stuff and then I’ll go that doesn’t affect me, but then I’ll find myself in the car, two hours later, and it’s in my head and me thinking about it.
Same and I can outsmart it.
Like, I would, I try to tell myself you’re having a fight with the guy in front of 711.
He’s got a Parrot on his shoulder.
If you were to see this guy, you’re fighting with you.
It’s probably someone you would write off his too crazy to even talk to you.
But so knowing that, how do you do?
What’s the calculus where you go?
This is worth it.
Well, I think, you know, when you I think sick children that’s definitely in the cat, seems like yeah, pretty slam dunk that tips the scales.
I think that I also go into these things.
Maybe I’m a little bit naive, but I go in thinking that everybody’s going to agree with me.
Yeah, because you’ll make your point so well.
And you open people’s eyes.
Well, it doesn’t make any sense that they would do anything other than agree with me.
Yeah, I’ll do that to a form.
A form of statement or an argument.
I don’t think and I’ll try to think of every single retort and I’ll think some somehow I’ve cracked it.
And I’ve actually come up with the message that Can’t be retarded.
Yeah, right when you feel like you’re also you go into it with the same mentality going to any conversation, but the people you’re having conversations with our people, you know, or work with, or are your friends and so you feel it in your Silo, but you can convince anyone in your circle of almost anything.
Or at least they’ll not and go along with you and you’ll think you convinced them.
Yeah, but then you realize like, oh, wow that these people these people think I’m at Tacking like something that that they have or they hold dear.
It’s probably a part of their identity.
I think that’s when it gets really sticky is When people’s identity feels threat.
I think there’s an undercurrent in this country and I don’t think it’s entirely unfair.
I think there’s a group of people who think there’s another group of people getting something for free.
They’re not working for it.
They’re not earning it.
The in fact, you could even take it to another.
Level you could say, like it’s hurting them the fact that they’re getting services or whatever or welfare or whatever.
You want to call it.
Yeah, whatever that when they get that, that disincentivizes them to work or to think about the future blah blah blah.
I heard them.
And I think that that there’s truth to that.
You know, I don’t think I think that a lot of liberals will say, that’s not happening at all, or it’s happening in that a tiny bit.
And then could servers will say that’s happening all the time.
And it’s probably somewhere between those two things.
Well, and I think you and I are both naive in a way that I think.
We both actually think we’re way more Centrist than our friends are out here.
Yes, so I make the mistake quite often, as I actually do, think I understand more the other point of view because I feel like I’m more Central Centrist than say my wife or a lot of her girlfriends.
And so I Oh, no, I get them and then I make a statement then I realized I don’t know why I don’t get them as much as I think.
And that is funny though how you get cast because people know you, you know talking about this or that.
Whatever was I know what you know, when I started realizing this must really be happen to you.
A lot is that I have now been doing your show for 13 years and every time I’ve been on I promote that, you know, I’ll tweet about it.
And I know the internet and now I will tweet about it and I’ll get a handful of people that like launch into some crazy things.
I think, oh shit.
That he must be getting that daily if I just tweeted this.
Fucking guest on the show.
You know, I’m not endorsing Kimmel, even though I would, you know, now I’m under attack and then they were there were signs around La.
You posted a picture of you flipping one off.
So like that had to be a surprise, right?
It’s a would take the time to put up signs of you.
Ines of a picture of me, crying, and I forget what it said, and it’s some conservative Street.
Is to uses the fonts available on Microsoft Word, that’s the kind of artist.
We rewrite the letting look, the level of artistic.
I’m a real artist.
He thinks of himself as like Banksy but yeah, you know, and then I get of course because I love you and you’re my friend.
I get, I get this really protective streak and I’m like, well, that says everything about those motherfuckers, that that would be an insult to be emotional like that to me.
Tells you everything about like the, it’s that simple like that.
A man doesn’t do that and then I get really pissed and the whole thing.
It’s not even happening to me, but I’m wondering because when I’m doing the calculus, right, and I’m not in your position where I have to do a monologue every night, but do you say to yourself?
Sometimes I catch myself.
I’m about to do something.
You know what?
That’s actually someone else’s job.
That’s Bill Maher’s job, or that Sam Harris.
Is job or that’s, you know what I’m saying?
Like, yeah, there are people who that, that’s what they do and I’ve sometimes probably post-election.
I’ve pulled back a bit and thought It’d be one thing if my voice was needed.
But my voice isn’t needed like I do, I totally get that and I do and there are times where someone else, whether it be television, host or whether it be somebody’s written.
Something who says, what I?
What I would say.
Yeah, and if that happens, I don’t say it because I feel like okay good that’s been that Yashin covered that took care of it.
Like at the time with Billy and Healthcare, I didn’t feel like anybody was saying it and they weren’t no.
And you had a really unique opportunity to make that a personal topic and I think it’s awesome that you did and then for Chris and I when we were super vocal about gay marriage, there wasn’t a ton of actors out there.
There wasn’t a hashtag for it.
There was you know, and I was like, oh I need I believe in this and I’ll I’m willing to get these tweets or whatever but a lot of stuff now, I feel like it’s there’s so many voices over President.
Obama didn’t support That gay marriage.
So we were hosting rallies in New York and he was saying he would not not just being quiet about it but saying no, he won’t how I mean that wasn’t that it’s five minutes ago.
I get a little pissin.
This is where I feel like I’m Centrist.
Is that remember when the Russian Olympics happen in a couple of their big complaints about the Russians were that they were killing dogs in the street getting ready for the Olympics, right?
And I’m like we kill a million dogs, a week here in America is, we don’t kill dogs.
We’re doing it in a shelter.
Can’t say That’s Unique to them.
Yeah, and then their policy on gay people.
I’m like five minutes ago.
Our president said he wouldn’t support it.
Like we can’t be in a fucking morale pedestal, you know, 10 minutes later.
Yeah, we’d love you to do a lot.
Yeah, like we forget the two hours ago.
We had a completely different opinion.
Yeah, we love the human rights and, you know, yeah, all this this stuff, we criticize other countries and then you drive past somebody’s been sleeping on the same Corner every day for like, Three years.
Yes, and then so my final question I had for you is that so Kristen just hosted the tcas and that was a the she hosts of this.
Yeah, so she hosted an acronym.
She owes it to SAG Awards and when she got asked to do that in November this seemed like Very fun thing to do.
And then this very important movement happens, the me two times up thing happens.
And then the the Golden Globes are almost solely from my perspective about that issue.
Yeah, and now she was then in a position where oh, my God, this whole show now, is about how much do I acknowledge at?
How much do I not?
You, who wears the pins, who doesn’t do this in, just the fucking weight of Hosting that show.
Now, is so tremendous that, I mean, She seemed to be fine with it, but I was like that.
This really takes the fun out of it, from my perspective.
And do you feel at all going into hosting the Academy Awards of like, fuck, man?
This is why this year my hosting.
Yeah, and it doesn’t help to be a white male either.
He has a last person that yeah means to be out there.
Nobody wants to hear what I think.
But yeah, there’s, You Know, It’s Tricky and you don’t even know.
You can’t even prepare for it a few weeks in advance, because you don’t know our Li Heads are going to be in.
Yeah, and there’s you know, something new like every three days.
Yeah, so it’s hard to figure it out.
I mean, I think I have, you know, a general sense of and I’ve been in this situation before where there were some touchy whether it be like, you know Oscar so white that you know, the that kind of thing.
And the animals that what when all Oscars are so why I thought you said Oscar Old Dell white.
Oh my God, it was a Latino.
I know director who won or something, but there seems to be some something some like some cause or some kind of problem or something.
Yeah, it’s year.
But in this is where I can a little bit.
See the point of view of the conservative middle American viewer, which is I my memory of Whoopi Goldberg hosting, or Letterman hosting, or City Slickers hosting, it wasn’t political.
I mean, there may be, there may be one or two jokes.
There was not a theme of that award show every year like whatever social issue.
They were tackling.
It just wasn’t like that, right?
And I can’t see a little I can sympathize with the critique of like, hey, just fucking do the celebrate, the movies, you know, right?
Well, not only that, you know, you think about the people who are there and who are nominated all that breaks.
My heart is something they have been dreaming of their whole lives, 60 years.
Somebody’s been pursuing this thing and they don’t want that cloud over it.
I don’t want that.
You do too.
Have to apologize.
I felt bad at the Golden Globes when your mail Del Toro wins, but it starts by going like, OK, here are the all male directors and I’m like, oh wait.
I was just on this.
Yeah, we comes from fucking Oaxaca, Mexico.
He found his way to this country and he’s our best director, and I feel the same way.
I just was like, oh my God, this is real specially for him because he is funny.
I thought of him, when you’re saying all the directors are like assholes and I thinking not him.
There’s, there’s certainly nice one.
Yeah, you know you hear Amazing Stories.
So you’re you’re going to you’re going to have to acknowledge it obviously.
And that’ll yeah that I can I just want are I want to are one grievance about the Academy Awards while I have here is, as close as I’ll get to being able to tell anyone anything.
Okay, they always say a billion.
People watch that.
I don’t believe that either.
It’s such a fucking horse.
Let me, let me, let me just tell not a billion.
People watch this.
Superbook can in, can I tell you why?
I know this.
So the Academy Awards, 150 million people watch in America.
I think when we get the real numbers, that’s not a merger.
Yeah, 40 million or even the Super Bowls like 110 million.
So the Academy Awards is getting 50 million viewers and we are a country of 300 million.
That means that only 16 of Americans are watching it.
Right, right, but in order for a billion people, too.
You this worldwide one-fifth of the world would need to watch it.
So you’re expecting me to believe that.
I don’t think interest world speaks English.
Your expect me to believe that the interest in this award show actually goes up as you leave this country.
That’s what would be required for them to get to a verily?
Yeah, where do they get off saying this?
I feel so offended by this.
All I know is I’ve been out of the country when the Super Bowl was there was one year.
I was in Europe or something and a television with the Super Bowl.
Lan was not to be found exist right now.
People like what?
No, we don’t know, you know.
Yeah, super it’s too late.
That’s the one you could do an English accent.
You know, it’s the one I can’t do it.
And I, we were just talking about this.
The only ones I can see.
Do you are not in his way, you could do Australian, also, you can get away while I do that quite often and solely because do you ever get pizza from Lucifer’s Pizza?
No, but I’ve heard you’ve talked about it a lot.
You order as an Australian know, the fucking outgoing message for some reason is an Australian.
I know what, but this is the outgoing message.
Wonky for calling leaves.
And first pizza.
We’ve got two locations Melrose in helius for a measure of location, press 1, for our heel hooks located, a There’s two, that’s it.
I don’t know why it would have acted eggs, doesn’t get you in the mood for pizza.
Oh, you mean you want him barbecuers?
Let’s eat a kangaroo.
It’s worth going through it.
But now my new thing is I love peaky.
Blinders so much.
Do you watch peaky?
No, I don’t put my brother loves it.
He loves it.
Is it good?
You, you have to watch it with the subtitles on, That’s Mike caveat because I tried watching it without it.
And I thought the show was terrible.
You can’t I didn’t realize I was missing half of it, but I was arrogant.
Up to think I was understanding everything in better than I had.
No interest in the show.
This was a happen to me with Ricky, Gervais has podcast the trousers.
Like I don’t, I can’t understand.
I missed 40% of this.
Do you know who Sam Harris?
Has you listen to you?
Probably from Star Search.
You mean, you know, it’s so funny something.
So that today when I brought him up, I’m like sugar, don’t biking sorry.
Yes, sir, sir.
Now he has this huge pogchamp.
Harris used to hook co-host Dancing with the Stars.
Samantha Harris that what you’re talking about.
No, he’s the one who got in a fight with Ben Affleck.
I’m Bill Maher about Islam.
Oh, okay, right.
Yeah, he’s a neurosurgeon.
He’s a fucking one of the most fun, Hazard.
He’s a neurologist.
He’s a, he’s a doctor.
He has a dock is a doctorate degree in neurology from UCLA.
And he’s also a very outspoken atheist and his podcast.
He has like the, you know, Harvard’s professor of psychology on.
So everyone he has Is a genius as well, right?
And when you’re listening to the podcast, I am, like I’m running on a hamster wheel, as fast as I can, to understand what they’re saying, and I can keep up in my car.
Like I can follow what they’re saying.
He has no accent.
I said he’s just missed very slowly.
He’s just that smart.
Right, and what they’re talking about is so dense that I just really have to pay very close attention, but I can keep up.
So, I’m so obsessed with them.
Kristen, for my sobriety birthday, reached out to him and said, would you go to dinner with us?
He Said yes, very nice of him.
We go to dinner and everything was going pretty well.
But then all of a sudden plates started arriving, right?
And then they wanted, they want to know if I wanted to refill on my soda and he was mid-conversation and I lost him.
I completely fucking lost him.
He must have spoke for 12 minutes where I did know a thing.
He was saying because he’s so smart.
And in a real life setting with distractions, I just couldn’t keep up and I just found myself like nodding and everything at the end.
I was hoping like that.
Was that the conclusion?
And I was like, that’s Tremendous point, but I completely for 12 minutes didn’t understand a word.
He I do.
I do that every single night with the guests, as we talk in between the commercials and the bands playing so loud.
I can’t hear.
And I know we have a finite amount of time and I can’t do what you know, so I just I just nodded and we’re back.
I speak really loud.
Do you do on the break?
Well, you wouldn’t, we don’t know what you’re saying.
There’s some people that are older.
There’s some people, you know, Josh aren’t quite as assertive.
Yeah, and then um, so some of your guests are obviously, they do a ton of the lifting for you and then a lot of times you just have fucking Duds.
Like you like when I when you’re on I’m like, all right, I can take I can take a solid one.
Third of the show-off i-i’m so glad to hear you say that because I’ve in an egotistical way.
I’ve thought maybe that was the case, but I would have never had the balls to ask you that but I wanted to I just I was hoping I made it easy for you.
Yeah, but then I in then Because I’m a neurotic, I’ll leave.
And I’ll go fuck was I doing him a favor or they just steamroll him?
No, we like that’s what we like.
I speak for all of us.
All all host.
Yes, but do you do you try to do try to control that in any manner?
Like if you know, you’re going to have to guess that evening.
Do you go?
No, guys that’s to Duds in a row.
I got to have.
I wish that I was able to you know, I’m not really involved in the booking process right here.
During you get what you get.
So you kind of get what you get.
The special soup is.
Yeah, the day.
Well, from the bottom of my heart.
I know how fucking busy you are.
And you got a little kids like I do and I appreciate so much.
Can I go pee on your land?
Is because I really have to go and I know there’s no door on the bathroom.
You can be anywhere you want on this property like you very much and we’ll just take a couple Stills while you’re yeah, that’d be fun.
That’s a I love you’ve been a great friend of mine.
You’ve always been really James.
This is fun.
I’ll come back.
If you’ll be if you’ll have any.
Yeah, what would it be fun for you is you’ll be able to kind of monitor the progress of zabi building this dump a.
He’ll get a coffee machine and here we can really have fun, you know, speaking of our money.
Neurosci, have one right there.
I have a Keurig.
If you’re out on the way out here is are no good for me.
I need you sure.
You should fire up a couple of PODS.
My God, these guys are wild.
They’re constantly playing great pranks on each other like Jim and me coffee one.
Crazy Hollywood guys.
I love you.
If you’d like to hear my good friend and producer, Monica Patman point out, the many errors in the podcast.
You just heard.
Monica before we get into fact, checking the Kimmel episode.
I just want to acknowledge that.
There’s a ton of noise happening around us.
And what is it Monica?
What are we hearing?
What are the listeners hearing?
Metal being thrown into a huge test rocks.
There’s a lot of concrete being loaded into a dump truck about literally 3 feet from the microphone just on the other side of the window here in our clubhouse.
So don’t be worried.
Don’t don’t think that your house is crumbling or not an earthquake.
It’s not an earthquake in your Cars, not breaking.
What do we got for that?
So, you said that twice.
You mentioned that Jimmy has two kids.
Oh, yes, for has four children.
I was probably talking about the new kid.
You were talking about the kids.
Yeah, because his other children are not kids.
They’re not kids.
They’re grows there.
Always his kids.
So, yes for.
Yeah, okay, and then, in the new mention that You have never done anything that requires instruction.
Okay, and you really haven’t but you’ve done a couple thing.
Even some things improv.
I did learn that required, some instruction.
I don’t know if you took the instruction, but you were in a class and you why certainly received the instruction.
If I recall there were five ways to add information to a scene but I can only remember two of them.
Okay tops, but you kept your ears open in that class.
Yeah, and then you may be allergic.
Learned how to do some car stuff that I really did, just figure out by disis.
Disassembling, things paying attention, while I was disassembling them.
Oh, well, they must go back together the way they came apart, got it.
So nobody taught you how to do any of that stuff.
When I was in 12th grade.
I rebuilt the engine in my Mustang and can Kennedy’s neighbor, Mark Toth, did show us how to you know, put the right pressure.
On the bolts for the heads and whatnot.
So yeah, there were some instruction there.
Yeah, Jimmy talks about a book out a book on tomatoes, very thick book on tomatoes and it’s called ripe.
Oh, that’s the bookie red that’s called ripe by Arthur Allen.
There was a lot.
I not anythign, Alan the no manager baroness.
Can’t find it.
I didn’t Alan.
I Googled, you know, big book on tomatoes and you would think one would pop up and I would be very clear so many books on tomatoes.
I had to ask Jimmy’s wife with uh-oh was glad that Molly helped us.
She helped us.
Okay, then when you were talking about the food in Turks and Caicos, uh-huh.
You said the food gets brought over from Miami 500 miles away and it is all its.
You’re very close.
It’s 575 nautical miles away, which could be upwards of like 600 normal miles right now.
Call my older one nautical mile.
I think they’re a little longer than uh, than our standard Mi.
Okay, and then Jimmy, they’re really loaded.
Can you hear it?
There was a big big cement dumped in that he needs to hear it.
I love it.
Okay, Jay mentioned that the raindrops in Bora Bora worse.
So heavy that they had a pint of rain in each one.
Well, I do.
Yeah, I think you’re nitpicking here.
I think he was, he was clearly in the world of hyperbole was, but I, this is my job.
Okay, don’t come at my job.
So I tried to research how much water a raindrop could hold and I couldn’t find anything.
Yeah, how, how would anyone know?
I don’t know.
There are scientists who do all kinds of things.
I don’t know, but I was able.
To find out how much ran a cloud can hold.
Okay, let’s hear that.
So, scientists estimate.
That one inch of rain falling over an area of one square mile.
Okay, that’s big area.
Well, yeah is equal to Seventeen point four million gallons of water.
Holy smokes, not crazy.
It’s a lot of water and it would weigh 143 million pounds, 140.
Well, a gallon of water is 8.3 pounds, I believe.
So if we do, I know, I like to bury you under Mor more claims.
I believe it me too, because I looked it up and it’s real.
Yeah, Jimmy was saying that he had no, he didn’t know how close or how far he was from Japan.
When he was in Bora Bora.
He was like, I have no right.
I have no idea where I am in context, other places and Bora Bora is 5830 one miles from Japan basically 10 times the distance from Miami to Turks and Caicos exact.
Well, that’s not a couple miles and this is regular.
So but still in the ballpark of 10 times the distance.
Wonder how the vegetables taste there.
Well, actually no.
Yeah, but maybe they’re not coming from Japan.
I doubt they’re inflated to different topics.
When you were talking about your scariest moment in Bora Bora, uh-huh.
You said there was a little island and then 200 feet and another little while.
I actually couldn’t find the exact footage in between.
I really looked hard.
I had a really busy week last week, so dear.
So some of them are very good.
We had a good week in a busy week.
So my research had to stop at some point.
But Bora, Bora the island group is 12 square miles.
So, I don’t know where you were in those islands, but there’s a chance, you swam 12 miles.
Well, here’s what I can say is, you know, the the little chain of islands does make pretty much a circle.
If you look like at an overhead of it, and then there’s this big big island in the center that we were talking about.
Were Jimmy, was evacuated to okay.
So the yeah, that ring, I guess they’re saying is probably 12 miles, right?
Or if it’s 12 square miles where?
Well, that’s a little confusing.
It looked more like it didn’t look like a circle to me.
It didn’t I looked on the map.
Well, okay, it does completely surround that Center Island and it’s all shallow in there where it’s what the area that’s surrounding.
But let’s just say, what I will say is that from where our hotel was to, where they were filming on this, barge was about half of the the Ring of the archipelago.
So I might go so far as to say that I did travel 6 miles 6 miles.
The French RS6 miles.
While being chased by dogs, scary miles.
Yeah, I’d be scared.
I probably give up the French restaurant is may be called because I found a few.
Let’s see if it brings.
Is it La, Villa Mahana?
Don’t know or Lagoon.
I don’t feel like it’d be Lagoon because it was up high Lagoon is by Jean George.
So that’s a fancy restaurant.
Neither none of those ring a bell.
The only thing I can tell you is that you it was a it was a way away from Shore, you know, it was it was up uphill a bit.
All I really wanted to find out because people will want to know that in case they go.
Yeah, so in who knows we were there eight years ago, maybe.
Oh it was what?
Well, Obama was elected the first time while we were there, so 2008.
So that’s 10 years ago.
So who knows there might be a proliferation.
French restaurants on that main island at this point.
Yeah, and they’re all good.
Yeah, they’re all, they’re all they’re all five stars.
So the article Jimmy wrote about his experience.
In bought he wrote a you know, Huffington Post piece.
Yeah with the yep, I wasn’t Huffington Post.
Okay, and it’s called a dramatic story at the end of which nothing happens.
So funny, what a great title but it still exists on the interweb and you can find it in, read it.
Read it or did you just find it?
Okay, that one you had a busy week.
We really does work.
I’m gonna go back and read it promises really well written.
I bet the title alone is perfect.
Yeah, so you referenced generally, you said a Roland movie Roland emmerich.
I just wanted to clarify that and he directed Independence Day.
The Patriot Godzilla what it was the day after tomorrow.
After tomorrow is the About the crazy weather, right?
I think so.
Yeah, there’s like a tidal wave comes through Manhattan or something.
If I don’t know.
Sorry, German, right?
Yeah, I would guess listening.
We don’t know.
We don’t know, we’ll find out.
We Gates we move on how students get bored stock.
You, you reference?
Robert Downey jr.
On Sam Jones Show, and I just wanted to give Give Sam a little shout out.
That’s called off camera with Sam Jones.
Yeah, and it’s an interview show on DirecTV’s Audience Network and it’s a podcast as well.
Oh, I didn’t realize that.
I’m in the new said, every single director working as an asshole.
Were you able to substantiate that claim?
Um, I just, I just wrote not true.
Okay, not true.
This is not true.
No, there’s Ron Howard’s of I’ve worked with some that are nice.
Yeah, almost everyone.
I worked with has been really nice.
You’d put me in that category though, right?
I worked with Jim medium.
Yo, okay, Mimi.
I’m just kidding.
Of course if you okay, you said If nightly, 25 million people tuned into Jimmy’s show.
Yeah, it would be Modern Family times 3.
So today’s numbers.
I have some inside scoop on Modern family’s.
I really was really able to get your roommate is a producer on Modern.
She was, she’s no longer.
Okay, she works on another show now.
And my old roommate, also was a writer’s assistant on Modern Family, okay?
So today’s numbers modern family has about 6 million viewers in episode.
Okay, so I underestimated.
But at its height, uh-huh, it had about 12 million viewers in episode.
Okay, but let me just point out too, that I was saying he’s getting 25 million, uh, night, right?
So five nights a week.
So 125 million views per week.
There’s only one Modern Family episode on per week.
So he’d beat me, I was yeah, so he’d be making a billion if you can bring in 25 million viewers on night each night there.
Yeah, so he was kind of yeah, he’d be a billionaire.
Yeah, it would be but it wouldn’t be.
It would those numbers.
Don’t appreciate him on his family.
and then, Okay, you said we kill a million dogs a week in America?
Oh, geez, that, that’s not true.
And we roughly killed 2.6 million dogs and cats.
So that’s more than just dogs in u.s.
So no, I mean not great.
But but but that’s all I million dogs a week.
Yeah, that’d be 52 million dogs and cats a year.
But suffice to say, I don’t believe that they killed more than two point.
Four million dogs to prepare for the Olympics in Russia.
That was my overall point is that we were so judgmental of them, killing dogs.
I don’t want anyone to kill dogs, but we do kill dogs.
Yeah, we do the .6 quite a million a year.
Well, that’s including cats and I don’t want to offend cat lovers, but I do hope there’s well.
No, I don’t hope anything.
I just hold this ratio favors the dogs and me combined meow, which I shouldn’t say.
I’m sorry cat.
I’m really sorry, but I deserve.
I really am drawn to fellow pack animals, you know, we speak the same hierarchical language.
I’m scared that we alienated a lot of cat lovers, but I also need to be true.
We need to be true to ourselves.
You got it.
You if you’re nothing, if not honest, uh-huh.
You said Guillermo del Toro is from Oaxaca Mexico, and he’s from Guadalajara Guadalajara.
Yeah, did he go to film School in Oaxaca?
I don’t I stopped at the okay.
Act, I could be partially right in that.
I think they all met in film school and Oaxaca.
Yeah, but he’s not from there.
No, that’s, that’s sexy Guadalajara and like, it’s got a sound.
Yeah, they say, okay, so you’re upset because they say a billion.
People watch the Academy Awards and then you said, 50 million people watch the Academy Awards in America and we’re country of 300 million.
So 16 of Americans are watching it.
Which means you said a lot of stuff about yeah.
So The Hollywood Reporter did some investigation on this, as well, in 2015, the billion viewer figure and that that statistic appeared in In 85 and then just keeps getting cited but they say the more accurate figure is seven.
Several hundred million still alive.
I still don’t buy that.
No, they broke it down by country and I wrote a lot of them, but they had a lot more.
Okay, but they had thirty seven point three million in the United States.
So I’ve been less than I was lousy in gracious.
You were less and then 5.5 million in Canada.
That’s the next.
Biggest of this will never ever what it does.
There’s so many countries Dax.
There’s so many 70 countries are Latin America 5.45 million.
They love it. 4.5 million Mexico. 3.8, Middle East to point to UK 1.08.
Is this time not add up several million.
I mean, several hundred million.
I still think it’s bullshit.
I mean, I respect your fact-checking, but I also I continue to Bullshit.
There is no only.
If only 37 million Americans are watching it.
That’s one in ten, but even if 1 million.
Iranians of all in all the countries.
I didn’t you already at about 200 and something really and we have three.
It makes sense.
It’s such an arrogant claim.
I stand by billion is a problem, but several ferrocene claim.
We’re coming up on it.
Okay, the current u.s.
Population is 320 3.1 million around down the three.
You rant, you rounded down.
Yeah, I’ll continue to do so and it’s probably should be Accurate now that, you know, the fact I already knew is 320, but she’s 32 33.
He’s only an asshole saying 320 just keep it at three.
Like, look, India’s got about a billion people, right?
We can, let’s just say Val find out.
They China’s got like about a billion and a half.
People just say it, you know, out of convenience.
Thank you station.
See, think you should say the truth.
Okay, I’m gonna have to post all these figures all over this.
The walls in this room.
Yes, you remember exactly.
Just wanted to just wanted to shout out.
Clear up his credentials because first you said he was a neurologist.
Then I corrected you, then you said he has a degree.
I said he was a neurosurgeon accidentally.
Oh, but she’s definitely not an Earl’s or right?
Yeah, and then yeah, I think maybe I don’t know what she said, but you said he has a degree in neurology.
Yeah, for me.
Harris, has credentials.
Are he has a ba from Stanford and philosophy and a PhD from UCLA and - Neuroscience.
So is that going to the umbrella of Neurology?
I do not know.
And then I wanted you to find out exactly how many pounds Rob gained ask you to do that.
Need did not.
I did not do that rail.
Let’s just, we’ll just pepper that into another fact check.
Okay, completely off topic.
No one will remember just what it lets say.
In her view.
She still with us.
So let’s say I do that and then you just saying that Vector, you said, Rob mcelhenney games, a bunch of weight.
No one will remember.