we’re recording
to server get the fuck out of here server we’re playing
music that no one’s heard
this shit is
die antwoods
d antwords original band max nor
i’m a big fan of this shit
i’m prime for mass appeal and haunt my force field
with these mystery hooks who kids be reading about that
story and their history
whoops well
let’s just say that that’s
a fucking south african band it’s d antwoord
now but they were a
bunch of different
things before they were d antwoord
and i’ve been
obsessed with them for the last couple of weeks man
they’re fucking awesome
every now and then you
catch a band that’s the shit
speaking of the shit
freddy lockhart
ladies and gentlemen
yeah old school comedy road
dog yeah what up joe
my friend from
many many many many many many moons ago true that
back when freddy was actually working at the comedy
store freddy
started out the
right way like
like so many comedy
store warriors have done
working there
you know either doing the door
or you know working
working the
cover booth and
you know there’s that’s one of the cool things
about the comedy
store is that almost
everybody working there is
wants to be a
comic almost everybody working there wants to
wants to make
it in show business there’s a lot of people that are
great people that work in
other clubs
but they’re
not there because they want to be comedians the coming
store is entirely comprised is people
who want to be comedians even the accountants everybody
everybody it’s
ridiculous unfortunately
except for the fucking managers and that’s why the
place sucks
bag of dicks oh oh oh
one of the all time
classic comedy clubs but uh
cbgb’s have got comedy it’s not run by mitzi
shore anymore unfortunately no
but it’s still a great fucking
place and that’s where i met freddie lockhart
back in the disney
flashlight flashlight is our sponsor we have to
let everybody know about that you can go to joe rogan
net and buy it and if you you
click the link and enter in the code name rogan
you get fifteen percent off that’s what it is
right so showing the
flashlight see that where is it
this is the
this is the alien one it’s blue it’s got two clits nice
put your finger in it
a star trek and nobody fuck this i wouldn’t do that
except for me i’ve always wondered
i was like what is it
gonna feel like that’s that’s pretty good
what do you think it’s pretty interesting feeling right
definitely feels
better than
well probably my rough hands yeah you just warm that up
on it no scratching
just warm it up a little i’ll be in austin
texas this weekend all weekend
thursday friday and saturday at cap city comedy club
and joey coco diaz will be with me it’s
a rare treat we get to
bring joey on the road the thing about joey is joey’s
the best he’s my favorite comedian ever of all time
but he’s as
about as reliable as
fucking a fake rolex
you know just like
you just can’t
count on them
i used to i
started taking people with me i only used to
bring one opener for the longest time
but joey flaked
so many times
that i started taking a
second opener with me
just so that i could
still book joe yeah i
understand so
if the shit
hit the fan and only hit the family one out of
every 20 times
but it hit the fan
every now and then and
you’d be in jersey
going where the fuck are you i’m not
gonna lie to you dog i
never left vegas
well the excuse is always admirable
and entertaining it best if
you get an excuse you
might just not get
phone calls back what do you want
yeah for like
months what dog and then once you do talk to him and
never gets brought up what up dog
what are we doing yeah nothing what’s up cock licker
i don’t wanna go back to
those days of my life yeah so he’s going
we had a scare
today i thought
it wasn’t gonna go
you never know joey anything
could happen
she’s always got i got something
going on dog it’s a disney channel
movie i think it’s
gonna be big
i get to show my balls they’re
gonna blow it out
have you seen the previews of his disney
movie no what is it called it’s called like
the dog that
saved christmas
and they’ve released like
they’re releasing like a whole
bunch of them
the first one joey
was like 400
pounds or whatever
oh yeah then he lost a
lot of weight
and so now they were like really concerned
but anyways i just saw the preview i
think it’s just
is about to come on dvd i saw the preview and joey
diaz has a little
scene in there
where he’s in drag
and it’s the cutest
thing we’ll ever
see what the fuck
would they care if he loses
100 pounds he looks better
he looks like he’s healthy just
write it into the goddamn
script that’s what they
ended up doing how
hard is that
they wrote in
the whole weight
watcher thing
is he keeping it off he’s
still keeping the weight on
yeah what is he
right or something yeah he does weight watchers
i got points cock sucker
he’ll explain to you with
anger in his
voice oh that’s
great good for him yeah he’s like
a fucking slice of
pizza and a coke that’s
eight points
can’t take eight
point cocksucker
you deserve to be fat
he’ll get fucking
angry he like gets very passionate
about his weight
watchers yeah
but yet when i go out to
eat he’ll be like but this is only for weight watcher
points i’m like dude that’s not shows with
salmon fried
salmon snickers how many
points is that oh it’s like you know eighty
points like your whole
is that supposed to be your whole day
so what did he lose he lost
a hundred pounds a hundred fucking
pounds pretty
funny yeah he
put it together man
especially not
doing the lap band or the cast yeah
like that’s
the way he got really
upset about that too
you know we would talk
about it he goes i’m not
gonna do it though
i’m not gonna do it he got like real
passionate about he goes
ralphie mays had that fucking
thing he blew it out twice
yeah surgeries
i’m not gonna get cut open bro
i’m not gonna get fucking cut open
right right
he just he manned up he manned
up and he fucking lost the weight it’s incredible
well the thing with
those things too it’s like
your brain doesn’t
catch up with what has happened to your
body you know what i mean it’s like that’s part of the
whole working for it process you know
yeah you can’t just fucking rewire your body
and then your brain is
still jacked this need constant need for food yeah
yeah big time it’s an obsession man
people become
so easy for people to get obsessed with things
for me i can
get obsessed with
q tips putting q tips in my ears
i can get obsessed with
video games i can get obsessed
with beating off i can get obsessed with things
where they just
consume me like i have to do them
dude what the fuck kind of a flaw is that shit
what a goofy ass flaw
it sucks at least
mine it’s not the food one
right exactly
it’s like mine was always like the weed one
you know the
sleeping one it
could be bad
things but i’m just at
least smart enough to say
you know to not deny the addiction just
you know it
could get out of hand if i gave
into it you got to be careful you
know respect the
beast in there
yeah you got to be very careful it’s like dude who
used to smoke
cigarettes i’m just
gonna have one
cigarette oh dude
you get in a
wrestling match
right here with the
devil yeah he’s
gonna tie you up bitch yeah
yeah you’re
screwed with that
you fucked up
i just complete
out and out stay away from it was like the
video games the
grand theft
auto i got so addicted to it like my life was
i was literally
dreaming and
thinking and
grant and my mindset
would be like oh
just take that cops car and jack in
and then we’ll get to the gig
quicker like i’m like it like a real life yeah
that’s my subconscious
mind but luckily my conscious minds like no you know
there’s ain’t that rewires kids makes me
i agree with him i used to play this game
where you jumped from
building to
building i forget
which game it was
city of heroes
and after i played it for like a
month straight
like 10 hours a day
i would go outside and forget i can’t jump on top of
buildings like i was just driving
going i could jump on that
building and that
building i’m like what am i
thinking i’m just like you’re
very darwinian if you’re a kid now if you’re a kid you
haven’t laid down
those at least
those deep rooted
thoughts will tell you that you know you can’t
do that that little
voice that says no don’t kill
him yeah you know it’s like you don’t have physical
limitations the law
doesn’t hold you accountable
until you’re
eight years old for murder something like that so think
about that if you’re playing those
video games in your four or five
and that’s god that’s all you know you don’t
think you just pull the trigger
especially boys
you when you have little girls
you see them around little boys you realize how fucking
crazy boys are from the get go like
there are a lot of
things that are fucked up
about human beings because of our culture
but there’s a lot of shit that’s just
in there man when you see like little boys and this
little boy there was two little two year old babies
in this big
inflatable play thing
and one like
seven eight year old boy
okay and a seven
eight year old boy
was fucking
throwing himself through the air
and crashing into the walls this
thing with no regard to
these babies that were around them
it was such a trip to
watch and i was
watching them like dude you
gotta settle down you
gotta settle down
and you’re looking
at them like he can’t even help himself this kid is
wired up with his fucking chimpanzee
dna i mean he’s like six man and he’s just
throwing himself into the cage of this
thing yeah it’s
just they are they’re ingrained that way they’re
crazy he’s gotta get that shit out it’s inside
of them if you take a kid like that and don’t exercise
that should be a crime
it should be a
crime to have a little male monster
and not work it out
yeah you got him you
gotta get him an
x yeah treat
him just like a dog get my ball and make him go
chase it dude when i first
started doing
wrestling in high school i
first started
really working out
i really like because
i did martial arts before that but
quite honestly the karate
class that i did before wrestling
it wasn’t good
wasn’t like
wasn’t hard enough to really
break you right but
wrestling practice
would break
yeah break make
you question yourself
and but you get out of there though
and you’re so
peaceful oh yeah like there’s nothing left yeah
absolutely you don’t you don’t need to get
upset about
some asshole
who cuts in
front of you the red
light it’s all like whatever
i would see
those guys in high
school i played football and it was the
thing is it was only hard for two weeks hell week
the beginning of summer
especially in arizona it’s hot as hell
but the higher you went up in
varsity it was so easy because
they didn’t want anybody getting hurt nobody was
going in freshman football you
had to hit the biggest gut they didn’t care they just
sized anybody
against anybody
but it would
watch the wrestlers go
back to the locker room
after we went back to the locker
room i was like
those guys just i mean
they would just lay there they
would be drenched
brutal but you
never saw them on campus
doing the meathead crap that we were doing the football
players they were exhausted they were exhausted
and they knew
humbled too and they knew that
they could end this situation a lot
quicker than we
could you know
there’s that
but there’s also the get it out of their
system yeah
if you’re always
competing with men and you’re always like
throwing yourself
in there you don’t want to do it anymore
absolutely and it’s like you’re doing it in
it’s the safest
way to do it and deal with your biology
what you’re
doing is you’re doing it in a controlled environment
with a bunch of
other people who
agree to it and it’s
honorable and
you do it like
you tap each
other around and there’s not even any hard feelings
so you’re like when you do jiu jitsu
there’s no hard feelings when guys get caught you know
somebody taps
you out you go that’s what happens you get caught
what did i do
wrong did i put my arm through
oh i fucked up i forgot to put the arm here i
thank you thank you
then you go back
again it’s like
but you get all this ingrained
male dominator shit out of your
system we’re not supposed to live all like
hanging out like this oh yeah yeah with
chimps you know like uh
you know chimps don’t like hang out that much
they get together
with other chimps like if they go meet
other chimps like they have like little tribes
if they go meet
other chimps they’re
fighting yeah they’re
yeah they’re fucking
fighting for
short to the death
sometimes they
creep over and they don’t even know
these chimps
they just jack them
they just decide who’s on
their team and that’s it
but we’ve got to deal with
so many people all day long you can’t just jack people
but those signals are
still present in
ghostly form in your brain and
that’s why i’m a dick on youtube videos
in what way
what do you mean i’m just kidding i’m not a dick no no
it’s like message
boards watching people
on message boards how
angry and psycho this dude
i’m always like all
right if we were talking
about something
in a room together all in a
group and you’re the person sitting there like
this person’s fat
oh god this person sucks that’s so
stupid i’m like
are you gonna be sitting there going
yeah listen to that guy no you’re
gonna be doing the same
thing you do on a message
board which
is like what’s
wrong with this psycho
crazy age which says we have a social face
we put on for social issues but at home that’s
maybe who you really are that
you’re saying on youtube we’ve all
been out with someone who’s barely keeping it together
you know someone’s like yeah nice that’s a
great shirt yeah
why are you
on my shirt you know
they’re just boiling
under the sand
skin around you man yeah
just unsolicited
they do the
thing where they take a left turn when they
see your reaction like what the fuck they’re like oh
no no no yeah i am kidding it’s like i’m not that mean
yeah there’s a
bunch of dudes who just like to get douchey with dudes
freddy doesn’t want to get out of fucking system
how dare you brian
it’s funny the other day
i called freddy
and he called me back and said
sorry i just woke up and i looked at the
clock i was like oh it’s 2 30 yeah yeah
you guys this day had already
ended it’s the real shit i
know freddy’s rocking it man he’s a fucking comic
well he’s an artist joe
thank you tommy
well it’s not
just that okay i hear you’ve been talking to mitzi
well mitzi and i did talk
and you can work out in the
belly room joe okay but that’s it for right now
okay wow what an honor
how often do you rub her feet
well it’s not just that okay because richard pryor
used to robert pay haha
freddie lockhart by the way
used to be on the frank kelly end
of showing is
in my opinion one of the best impressions out there
you you do impressions that are very
weird man you do some impressions
that no one else does
i figure that’s what you
should do i always figure it’s like why i get in and do
something the nicholson the ones like that i
try to find a strange one and i do it
like iced tea man don’t nobody do iced tea
bunch of bitches
i do iced tea better than
iced tea man i do his voice over work and whatnot
i love to say whatnot
you know the lisp and
everything i try to fight a little lisp there yeah he
fights a little lisp but it’s kind of gangster and it
works for him you know what i’m saying bitches dig it
i used to do that
at the comedy
store i used to call the comedy
store as iced tea and this poor guy
kenny tenny this guy used to work the
phones there do you remember this guy
he was mitzi’s pool guy
and there was something was off with him definitely
say i mean i don’t want to say what he had but he
definitely was
one of uh you know
he wasn’t thinking right but
he was like he got that
he made money
he had a pool company he
cleaned pools
and he did it well but he function like an
eight year old
and i would call him
every time he
would pick up the
phone i would call him and i
would be iced tea and he
would fall for it
every time but yo man i’m
bringing 30 people in tonight man
what you got on my
booth situation
i’m mr g we don’t have a
booth at six thirty
i’m like you better
build one for
me well i’ll see if we can i’m just like oh
that’s hilarious that’s how i
would brush up on the
impression as if i could fool
kenny tenny
i felt like it was golden
yeah how do you do work
do you practice them at home and then eventually
bring them to the
stage or do you know when you hear somebody whether
or not you can do it
you know there’s a lot of people
if you hear them
right away i know i can do it if somebody
tends to have a deeper
voice or something like that or there’s a weird
thing about them
i know i can do it
i always more so than the way it
sounds it’s the way somebody looks when they talk
because people move their
mouth a certain way that’ll
reveal half the
impression i
noticed you did that with the
obama thing
that obama thing i
watched it online
where they took
some footage from like the 70s it looks like
it inserted your clips into
it that was
great stuff man
you really do a good
obama it was
that was a show in
super deluxe a
internet series i had but the
whole thing was
i would take facts and
skew them a little i i love time
traveling it’s my biggest obsession so
that’s why yeah i’m obsessed with it i’m working on
show right now about time
travel that’s fascinating
you talking to the
right guy so i’m talking tacky on particles the
whole thing i’m into it man you know
who ronald mallet is do you know the whole
story no no no is it
how the fuck you don’t travel
you don’t know ronald
is i love time travel
dude ronald mallett is the
premier expert in america on time
travel and this is the
crazy part about him we’ve talked
about him on the show before but
i’m going to
bring it up again
just because it’s such a fascinating
story the dude’s like a fucking spider man comic book
his dad died when he was a
child so he became obsessed he
loved his dad
i did read about him i know exactly he’s
a black guy or
he’s a black guy
okay yeah sure
and he developed isn’t it
funny that we have to say he’s a
black guy yeah
but that’s why i was like man
right on because i was
excited about
how he was black
super powerful you know
like neil degrasse
tyson yeah he
said his son died
you know his father
died was he
robbing here’s the
story his father died brian
how dare you was he robbing a
place he’s so
white too the way you say it
he just smells
like cheese was
he fixing a convenience store
they were in baseball together him and his old man
they collect cards and
stuff so his
whole life became obsessed with time travel
because he wanted to go back in time and save his dad
wow it’s fucking
trippy shit
the guy has a peer reviewed
paper that he
wrote on time
travel where
physicists agree
theoretically this all makes
sense if you
could develop this kind of power you
could go back in time
right now we can’t develop the kind of
power that’s necessary to do it
but that’s some trippy
shit i think
he isn’t he
currently building
a light thing that he’s trying to send a
light back in
time literally back
in time and it makes
sense what he’s saying and i
actually when i
stumbled upon that i was
excited because i thought
you know time
travel i always thought it
would be possible
my mom worked at nasa when i was a little kid and i
think that’s
where the curiosity
started when i lived at
edwards air
force base they were always texting
like testing x jets and
crazy shit that the government was working on
which just made me knew that you
know they’re really
aware of shit that we had no idea
about and that’s when i kind of got into time
travel and i thought you know
you could future time travel
just manipulation of time
basically you stay
above the earth’s
atmosphere at a mile or go
a gazillion
miles an hour
you’ll come back and you’ll have lost time
or no you’ll be
ahead you’ll be
still 30 but everyone will be
100 years old
right so i always knew that but i got really
excited when i read his
article that you
could go back in the past like wait a second
can you can do that
you know you can they
think you could
go back to the moment the
first time machine
was invented
you know that’s just
i had this arc argument with
brandon christie
about this and the
whole thing
about time travel is like
doesn’t time once it’s
exposed isn’t it all
a moot point
after that yeah
you know what i mean
but that’s what they talk
about what the grandfather
clause if you go back and you
shoot your grandfather then
that makes it
impossible for you to time
travel but that
doesn’t because i
think that just means you
break time they
didn’t take that
that option into consideration when people talk
about that story
the grandfather paradox they always say well if
you did go back in time you’d kill your grandfather
before your father was ever born
therefore you
would never exist
to make the time machine but
that doesn’t mean you couldn’t do that
right you could
still do that people say well that
means you couldn’t have a time machine well yeah you
could yeah you
could you would just do that
and then you
break everything right it
would be like a parallel line
like kind of like back to 1955
when it becomes string theory it goes off into another
there’s people that believe in this is a very strange
theory but it
might be just as real as the one we live in
that they believe that every
second you live your life every
every decision you make
everything you do all the energy that
you put down
guides you into various
parallel dimensions
yeah and that we are not just living
in one dimension
that we are living in an infinite number
of dimensions that are all around us all the time
and we can choose to
slide through
these dimensions with our thoughts oh wow
is it as you
live your life as you live your life correctly
as you live your life
in the direction
that you want to do with little procrastination
focused and love and joy
as you do this correctly
you move through higher and higher
dimensions well that’s
that they all
exist all around pretty much what buddhism
teaches too and the
whole thought
and even with the like the yogis they know
about that and
you know through meditation
well i don’t
know about that
i mean you can’t say they know about
it it’s a theory
it’s an idea
western science has come along
and started to pick a
pat and ask why you know
implying the
things in the
brain that make it possible did you guys see the
thing on cnn
last week with the alleged time
traveler lady
oh yeah that’s nonsense
well first of all
baby there are
crazy people back then
people aren’t even paying attention
they they had hearing aids back then exactly
right yeah what’s
crazy is that
video became big and then the next day all the
places were like no it’s just a hearing
aid but yet i
still get emails
every day from people dude i watch
twitter masters all day is time
travel real
yeah there’s cell
phone towers in 1910 you fuck
right how is this fucking
phone working who’s this
cunt calling yeah
who is she with
bitch calling the
future she’s
calling from the past to the future because
otherwise it’s not a fucking
phone for her to be calling
right but in
more realistic if she was just
like staring at it i’m not impressed by someone holding
their ear up to
their head well
that one was just
they wanted to
throw it out there and they knew that
they couldn’t back it up like cnn ran it it was like
you know what
the fuck is
cnn running that for
it was the front page it’s just
so distracting it’s so
stupid and distracting
and you know i as much as i love time
travels like come on don’t make a mockery of time
travel by showing crap like that
that’s what really sucks
think about if you
could even time
travel if you
could go to the
80s and whip out your iphone you get arrested for what
witchcraft dude i mean
they would stomp you to
death if they saw that thing
if you go 10 years ago that
would happen to you you
know what i mean it’s like the way
technology i
think in our lifetime like
this hits today
it’s true it’s like the kids
today we’re closer to kids
who grew up in like the 1940s we’re closer to cavemen
exactly the way
things have
changed yeah i’m
watching kids
today growing up with porn from the get go yeah
these kids are like 13 they’re
taken in the ass
i think that’s what you’re supposed to do
you know i mean
yeah that’s
it’s the chickens have come
home to roost
all those shitty
parents out there
that make porn stars
all those shitty parents have infected
other people’s kids as well through porn yeah
they’re getting
porn on their playstation
they’re taking
pictures of
their pussies and shit and sending them throughout
class people are kids are filthy today
dirty little fucks i was
cleaning my laptop out last night
going through
all this shit just trying to make room for it
cause it’s just
crazy crowded
and i’m just
going through all
these videos and i
found out that like
if you have
the mail app
and you have like a gmail account on there
it will download
everything from your gmail account
every video
every photo at
least that’s the setting i had
and so i was like
where’s all my hard
drive space
so i’m going through all this shit and there was
videos that people had
sent me that must have went to spam folders you know
crazy videos
like you know just spam
videos and stuff
one of them was this woman
where they were taking that have
you you’ve all seen this
where the funnel with the putting the eels in the woman
and then it starts
shooting out like
salmon while
i’m showing
my this girl i just met i’m like
doing this in
front of her
and she looks over she goes what the fuck
are you walking
and i’m like
i don’t know
but that’s just
crazy to think like somebody sent me that video
if i ever lose my laptop and
the fbi goes hey let’s go see what’s in this laptop
he has videos of
young girl with
salmons coming out of
their ass you know oh my
god the girl
no i’m not saying
salmons are
big i’m not saying that i’m just saying what
yeah i was gonna say
that stream
but that video
exist on my laptop without
me knowing is
right yeah it
could be anything yeah it
could be child yeah
right be anything
that’s what i’m saying but that was kind of
scary so fuck
the male app
well that’s the
thing too it
sounds pretty it’s like that desensitized
think if you’re in third
grade and you see that like
you know around
fifth grade we
we get a debbie does
dallas tape somebody’s dad
would have it
somebody would
get the balls to gank it
while his old man was
drunk and it
would pass around eighth
grade you know
like everybody got to see it
and you put
it back and you gave it back to the kid but that was
that was pretty much
porn then it’s like now yeah they can look at it on
their cell phone in class yeah
their iphones
yeah iphones get the html5
is like the
standard for porn sites now because
because the iphones don’t use
flash yeah so all
these porn sites are
switching to html5 and that’s you can
watch that shit on your iphone
what a gangster
move that was on
steve jobs part 2 is that
he goes you know what i won’t put
flash needs to
catch up with me
i mean that was just like that was just like
5 of the animated
websites on the internet use it he’s like no
you know back in the day when you liked a girl you
would like hey meet me at the big
toy and i’ll finger you or
touch your boobs or stuff
nowadays they’re
just like hey go to the bathroom and finger your
pussy and i’m
gonna go into the bathroom and finger my dick
and then we’re
gonna facetime it
we’re gonna facetime it on the
third grade wi fi network you know
can you imagine what
these kids are doing nowadays with like
facetime and kids and
stuff it it
should also
it should also
honestly make for some really
smart fucking kids though
yeah if they if they use the knowledge there’s
gonna be some
smart fucking yeah
they’ll be so much more aware
that you were
yeah they’re
gonna be much
much more advanced
than anything at that age
i didn’t know a damn
thing when i was 18 i was
i had i get
very uncomfortable around people who were religious
yeah because i thought
maybe they knew something i thought
maybe they were in on something
and they were like they were like more powerful
because they believed it
that’s what i thought when i was 18 that’s how
fucking dumb i was
i wasn’t i was religious when i
was younger than when i was eighteen i was like because
when you’re
young you’re fucking dumb
man oh yeah i have no access to information there’s no
fucking internet when i was a kid
i had the people in my neighborhood in
school yeah is that shit anywhere grounded inside your
brain though like it does it ever come out
where you’re sitting there like like
after earthquake you’re like
jesus love you
bring out your rosary and
stuff and you say
no no it’s not
at all no it’s gone were you big to
what you catholic
yeah i was raised catholic when i was in
first grade and then
immediately thought it was
horseshit because the
first grade was so horrible
this fucking
cunt none that i had
sister mary josephine
this fucking
crazy bitch she was just incarnate
evil just an evil
dried up old
woman who wasted
her life on some nonsense and fucking hated kids
were you super religious growing up
oh not at all
my parents were
an interracial couple it’s like already that’s
kinda like come on you
do a lot of cocaine and
my parents so what happened
with me is i went from this religious upbringing from
you know catholic
school in first
grade to moving to san francisco
second grade with my
mother’s new husband
who was a hippie oh wow
computer programmer with long
hair so my dad was this like cop douchebag and jersey
you know and i grew up like in that like catholic
you know hey
not in the lord’s name in vain
right son of a
bitch they slap you
that kind of i grew up in that
people just
smack in the head for no reason wow
and i grew up in that and then all of a sudden
hippies in san francisco wow
it was a total trip
my next door neighbors were
these gay dudes who used to get naked
and and hang
out with my aunt because my aunt you know didn’t
worry about them fucking her yeah
because they were gay gays
fuck big muscular
black guy wow dark
black africa kenya right
black is fuck you just be
naked one loves
house but and his boyfriend and the
both of them just then they all
get together and just
smoke weed and take their
clothes off
nobody fucked nobody did anything
they just lie around smoking weed and i knew
about this when i was
seven wow you know so i went from this fucking
crazy primate
jungle of jersey italians yeah just
faking each
other and throwing shit at each
other it’s just like being in a chimp cage right
so i went from that to
hippies and gay dudes who are
naked smoking weed
hanging out with my aunt
that is hilarious
this is the craziest
fucking 180
ever and you got good parts of both
though when you say like good parts of like you know
the progressive thoughts and
ideas but also that you know you’re not your typical
pussy comic
i’ll tell you that
much the east coast
thing is where
men are forced to become men
sure at a quick
age you get fucked with
you know dude you’re looking to kick your ass
right you know there’s
a lot of the west
coast people
it’s a little more
relax than that
it’s good it’s good it’s more
relaxing that
but i think it creates people that
are a little more confused yeah there does seem to be
a survival of the fittest element
in the jersey new york area like
a lot of the kids
smart people there too man
talk to some
stressed out
smart motherfuckers in new york
oh yeah they’re
tense man they’re fucking
stressed out
step outside for a cigarette
so you don’t even know what’s
going on with
lehman marcus
the whole way the
system is set up it’s
impossible for them to fail what
they’re doing is they’re getting fucking paid a little
these are smart
super intense
i have to choose what i do here because
i can go with you on this crusette
right yeah exactly i lose my life to this
crazy type of
thinking or
i can go yeah
i’m gonna go to
california yeah and i’m gonna
smoke some pot and relax this
definitely is there is an intensity on the east
coast i mean there’s
definitely a reason all the ivy league
schools are on the east coast
there’s an intensity there and there’s a fervor
about things i believe
part of it has to do with dealing with weather
yeah i think
the weather is a humbling
thing and i
think it makes you
you know you have to
stockpile food for the winter sure
you didn’t just have to do it in 1950
you had to do it in 1850 when there’s no refrigerator
right okay and a lot of
those people that
lived there are the
ancestors from people
lived i mean
those are the people that established it and the
other people
if it wasn’t for if they
weren’t there
200 years ago
they were in another country okay and they
took a chance
coming over on a fucking
and boat some
place they’ve
never seen when there was no movies
about it no internet
they had your stories
from someone a letter
you know dear john
i have made it here
to the new land
oh the fruit is plenty
the brown people are strange
have paint on
their face gold is
everywhere come soon
right so they
took chances and fucking got on boats and
traveled across a goddamn ocean
when there’s no gps
no cell phones
fucking flares
bitch if that fucking boat goes down your
yeah that’s it you’re in the middle of the ocean
which is bigger than the continent
on a gamble for maybe god
damn it you’re just hoping to
float it out you
crazy asshole
that’s how bad europe sucked
your suck so bad
in the 1700s
dudes are willing to get dysentery and
all around and
what would they get
from no vitamin
c they were fucking eating rats bro
to stay alive
people were
dying they were throwing
off the boat a lot of people died
they would get sick everyone
would get ill
yeah the plague
all that’s why
they come here they’d rather come here to nothing
yeah to have an established you know
roads and shit that
we had nothing
and then we
built our own we
made our own yeah they came to trees and
water and they’re like i’ll take it will take it get
me the fuck away from
these douchebags over there
yeah exactly
and they kept the attitude too
especially on the east
coast where they
colonize they just kept the attitude
and i think it seems to me
that the west
coast is all slowly as
far as far as you get out
a big percentage of
those people are
gonna be the
children of the people who originally landed
right they’re
gonna be the
people that got there everybody landed on the east
pretty much right
and so then they go oh fuck this
place let’s keep moving west
yeah they kept
going and going and
going and going
so the people that made it all the way here
it’s almost like
spoiled children yeah
you know what i’m saying
it’s almost like they don’t appreciate
what it takes
to make all this happen like you’re
lucky you’re just in a
lucky spot you
found a spot
where it does the snow
and it doesn’t get too hot
and hardly ever
rains it’s an easy spot to live it really is
and they say it does something to the
psyche as far as
you know the lack of change kind of
almost puts us in a
trance yeah you
know when you
gear up for winter back
east and all that
i do like the idea of socializing there and the east
coast they are a lot more social with each
other and like if you’re in new york you can see a real
heated debate get really heated but
never come to blows
we’re on the west
coast it would come to blows because comes to
stupid we don’t comes to exactly
we don’t cross paths with each
other as much as they do we don’t
share a confined
space it’s real
spread out here it always has been
well it’s they walk
yeah they walk
no one walks here
there’s no walking
so it’s a it’s a
worse much worse setup
because you’re so
disconnected from all the people around you
right that’s why it’s like there’s such a big
contrast between the halves and halves knots here
it’s the most obvious this is the most
bling bling part of the country yeah
one of the reasons why it’s because you feel
from all the people that you’re around you’re not
touching them you’re not in contact with them
you’re not on the
subway with them
you’re not walking on the
street interacting with them
and because of that you feel like you’re
disconnected from them
you feel like you’re not
a part of them they’re something else and it makes a
separatism between
the two gaps and there’s a lack of respect for each
other and it’s like that’s the
thing is you don’t hear
you know the most racist
homophobic people
are places where there aren’t any
yeah you know
which is so
funny because
it’s just so i will
never understand people hate gay people because
at all the gay people i’ve ever met
70 of them were
entertaining as fuck
nicest happiest people in the road
they’re like little
teddy bears that have
dicks and they’re trying to fuck jeff the piano guy
was he one of the coolest
of all time
he’s so cool
so creative cool loyal
i mean that
a great guy
why would you care if
it had nothing to do with you that’s what i don’t get
that’s the real prejudice should be
against people who are prejudice
against gay people
right what the fuck is
wrong with you you can’t
that’s like being look
it sounds like a terrible
thing to say but it’s like
being upset at someone for any other
physical animality
like being short yeah you
know being being being having a big fucking nose like
you hate people that have a big nose
he’s born gay if
you don’t think someone’s born gay to
hang out with gay people
right who chooses
i’ll tell you man
almost to a man they all were like when i was
seven i looked at the catalogs and i got hard on
i don’t know why
sports illustrated made my dick
tingle they all
they all tell
you that man there’s there’s some deep seated
fear that they
have it within them if they hate them i just
some dudes that
could be pushed into it and i
think they’re very scared yeah
yeah those are very scary
on the fence people
there’s a lot of people they’re also
wired to do what they’re not supposed to do
right there’s a lot of people that are just
wired to do shit that’s
wrong yeah i
think has something
to do with people that like blow job videos
guys that like blow job
well i think no i
think some dudes for real like
some dudes are so dumb
that they’re so like they
fight the system no matter what they’re
wired to not do what they’re supposed to
right right if they’re in a situation
where they’re
drunk and they’re with a guy yeah the
situation and not do is not let this guy suck your dick
right but they
might be so
crazy and stupid yeah
let’s see what this is like oh you want to do this shit
yeah i don’t give a fuck bro
i’ll do whatever
and i know we all have guys in our head that we’re
thinking of but it’s just like
and probably some of the same guys too yeah
especially within this
this thing when you meet
guys like that i’ve met so many one we were talking
about earlier in your kitchen
yeah there’s a lot of them out there
there’s a lot of people that are a mess
but still man
the prejudice
against hating
gay people to me is one of the most disturbing ones
it’s getting exposed that it ain’t cool though i mean
it’s definitely there but
some really cool people are
starting to say
knock it off
it has to be
because i want to be able to use the word faggot
and not worry
about anything you can i don’t want anybody
thinking i’m a goddamn homophobe because
i’m not at all not even a little bit
and i want to be able to make fun of
crazy people like
ted haggard
and not be called a homo
right or this
eddie long character who’s been
hanging kids like
there’s a lot of these
crazy religious
assholes that are pretending to be straight
right really they’re gay
and they’re fucking people
yeah that doesn’t mean there’s anything
wrong with being gay
right what i’m talking
about are some
crazy liar not talking
about two people that
are in a consensual relationship and they enjoy each
other company they both happen to be guys
right what do i give a fuck about that
right what’s
funny to me is
crazy assholes
like ted hag
oh yeah who go on a cruise
and doing math and getting hookers on
craigslist yeah yeah
just looking out
but it’s a funny
thing whereas if you
start making fun of that guy all of a
sudden you’re
you’re making fun of all games yeah that’s that’s
where it’s getting it’s getting kind of
ridiculous it’s like you
still have to be able
to like you know
gotta be able to make fun of
everything if it’s
valid there’s hood
people and we
make fun of them it’s not we’re making fun of all
black people
right remember
everybody getting raped
in here remember the internet what is that oh yeah
everybody getting raped in here
you were made fun of that person not all
black people it’s just that person
same with the
flamboyant gay or the guy hiding it i mean
guys like hagrid
that’s hilarious it’s like you find out
he’s not just gay but he’s the most
devious just disgusting like
like it’s almost like
a law and order
episode it’s so bad it’s like are you kidding me i
loved the gay hooker that he was banging went on cnn
my man just out at me he’s like yeah
i’m a gay hooker
he just went on cnn and
admitted he was a gay prostitute
and he had sex several times with
ted hagrid and they
smoke meth together and shit so brilliant
whoa that guy got on cnn
how much i think he probably got more dick
after that i bet his fucking roster was stock
every day no the
the best thing for his
business ever
if he was smart he
would said i’ll
go on just give me just poke my website up there plug
my website yeah he got
bible but that’s what it was
that kind of guy like when
they when they find out
about guys like that i just love it’s like you
never think you’re
gonna see that kind of
in your life
like one of the
worst people
on earth you’re
like how is this for me it’s like that’s exactly it’s
like a gift from the universe like to see rush limbaugh
really get his
or somebody like that you know what i mean like to see
somebody was hooked on oxycontin
i was pretty close
homeboys taking a hundred
oxys a day and
go ranting on
against you know
you don’t just kick that
well it made
him go deaf
how about that
he was doing so many
oxys he lost his hearing
holla that’s
what what the
how the fuck does that work
i’ll alex jones explain the medical
reasoning behind it
i don’t remember it nor
do i know if it’s correct yeah
but what he said
it makes sense to me i don’t think look
you go deaf and by the way you happen to be doing 100
oxys a day that
might be related i can’t believe it’s
alive that’s not fucking
drawn down 100
i can’t hear but i’m
gonna continue to use it
cause i like getting high
you can do it on
rush limbaugh
man we need to make some parodies yes rush limbaugh
i buy this off of a
liberal road
but i do them
it’s so funny that guy just
tuned into that dumb dumb ideology
that just dumb dumb
you know i’m a fucking patriot
i’m here to do this is a good god
christian loving country here and we need to support
all these goddamn
you know hippies out there and
liberals they’re
trying to take down this democracy this
great thing that was
founded in seventeen
ballon they’ll just
start rattling off facts and nobody
believes all that you think no
they’re acts
they know their
acts they’re
all acts they know
it’s far more complex than that but it’s that position
is an excellent
profit position
you can make a lot of fucking
money being the
super patriot guy right
against the
liberals especially because
nobody wants to be a pussy
okay liberals are pussies yeah
that’s the problem that’s a big you know people
go what are you a rogan don’t tell me you’re a liberal
no don’t tell me i want freedom
don’t tell me i want the ability to express yourself i
hindered i believe in the
first amendment
i think gay people
should be willing to do whatever the fuck they want to
do or allowed to do whatever the fuck they want to do
people should be able to get
married you shouldn’t
you know hate
crime shouldn’t be real i
think yeah we
should figure out how to fucking
clean up the ghettos
i think we should
figure out how to
use some of our
taxes to fucking help out little kids that are
born into some
shit position and it’s supposed to be all
within the jurisdiction of this country
so yeah why aren’t we approaching that
so if that makes me a liberal
yeah i’m a liberal
which which
everything you
named a lot of people are
scared to realize that they are i have a lot of friends
especially back in arizona growing up there
you know who
like bro i’m conservative it’s like look at you
you look like a rapper
right now you’re not conservative
you quote too
you’re not conservative you’re just not
what people
think of conservative
a lot of it is
in support of big business
and that’s a problem because they say well hey it’s
capitalism that’s why this country is so great
i totally am in
favor of big business
if it wasn’t for them we
wouldn’t have all this cool shit
but the problem
is big business likes to act like it’s not a person
right like it’s
above being a person
if big business was a person and did all this shit
it would get sued and closed down and arrested
and you know it would
be an asshole the
caliberton there’s
90 billion dollars missing
from iraq 90
billion if how burton was a dude
and he’s like i don’t know it’s fucking gone man
they’re like really bob
there’s ninety
billion missing ninety
thousand million
where the fuck is it
i don’t know
you could do that
they would arrest that guy that guy
would be in shackles and in the court
they would be the number one
story on the news ever
yeah bob haliburton in the in the
court today could be
doesn’t know
where he put the ninety
billion it’s like misplacing a
state like where’s wyoming
where did wyoming
go number 90
billion that is so huge
that is that is such a
sizable piece of
money that could do so much for every
state in the nation
they would notice that i’m talking
major shit they’re missing so much
money over there they’re missing
money from the
mercenary accounts
they’re missing
i don’t know
where the fuck anything is
going that’s amazing you
know that monsanto
the fucking seed corporation the
genetically modified food corporation
the one that sells seeds that makes everybody’s
and then makes the
farmer buy new seeds next year and if
you can’t use the seeds no
wax seeds yeah you can’t
reuse them like nature intends
you can’t like if you buy a fucking tomato
that tomato has seeds in it
you know and
you know or you’d
rather you bite seeds for the tomato grow the tomato
and then take the seeds out of
tomatoes you grow and replant them they’ll arrest you
you’re breaking the law
they just bought blackwater
jeez they did
jeez the devil
just bought
most evil corporation ever bought the
second most evil corporation that is
awful i saw
what they did to
those poor farmers
those poor guys
they’re like what am i supposed to do you’re
growing seeds aren’t you
a chick named
brooklyn from tapout
radio sent me a documentary and i watched it
it’s all about
these people from
these impoverished
countries that
that committed suicide because they couldn’t
repay the debt that they
owed to monsanto
dude it’s all
about how what they figured out was if you could
get patents on
plants yeah if you
could modify a
plant get a
patent on it then you own it then you copyright that
plant’s yours
right no one else can grow it
you can control it just like
downloads on the internet
that’s fucking nuts man they
figured out a way to do that with food they
figured out a way to copyright foods when i saw
food when i saw that i saw you know a
bunch of those the king corn and all
those other ones i was
honest to god
completely naive
about the whole
thing i don’t eat fast food
right and that kind of crap but i was like i
think i’m doing okay but i don’t realize
doesn’t matter
that i’m getting the choice cut of beef at
ralph’s it’s still
from this corn fed
you know slaughterhouse
right they said there was something like
14 000 slaughterhouses in america
in the early 80s and now there’s like
like literally like
it’s all going down through one company
tyson farms
and i can’t remember the
other one but it’s like
literally your meat is all
and it’s like
if one’s bad that’s why people are getting
sick with the e coli like all over in mass numbers
because it’s like
nothing’s regionalized anymore it’s all centralized
it’s like we make it here we chop the meat
up we put the bad with the good and we sell it to you
you know it’s like
unless you’re getting
shit from you
know a farmer that you know is a farmer your
local luckily here we’ve got them farmers markets but
it’s just it’s disgusting that’s another
fucked up thing
about people the
disconnect between the meat
and and your food
the disconnect between
where it comes from oh
yes there’s a big
disconnect there you know i’ve told people that
i want to go hunting i’m supposed to go hunting with
ricky schroeder this
season oh and
ricky schroeder loves to hunt
really it’s kind of crazy but
and i tell people
that like why
would you want to kill an animal why
would you want to do that like you eat meat
you eat me someone’s killing that well
you know what i don’t have
to see it if i don’t have to see it i want to see it
you don’t want to see it but
you’re experiencing what comes from it and that’s like
there’s a disconnect there that can
never be healthy
yeah can never be healthy to be eating animals
and not know what it feels like to kill an animal
right yeah you’re
right about that
it can’t because you’re not gonna
appreciate it
you think about the
people that we consider the most in tune with nature
those are the american indians
right those
the ones that we always glorify and we always you know
saying that
these are the guys that were like in tune with
they used every part of the buffalo that they killed
yeah they didn’t
waste anything they
lived harmoniously with
them and you know
they would praise the
spirit of the animal that provided them with food
this respect for
their own prey
was like very
prevalent throughout
their culture you know respect for the buffalo and all
these different stories
about the buffalo but we
came out and
slaughtered them all dude
i mean you want to talk
about how destructing
human beings can be that’s one of the
greatest stories ever oh yeah
just how many they
just slaughtered them in a
house short of time there was
millions of
they used to be all
over the place yeah
buffalo used to be like overwhelming
all over this country i
freak out if i saw one once
one in my life
yeah and they just went just nutty
shooting all of them and taking
their skins that was like a big business
shooting buffaloes
and selling
their skins yeah
and then they didn’t know they were picking them off
like what you know just like cherries in the beginning
because they didn’t know to be afraid of man because
they never had been and they
never heard a gun
yeah you know they didn’t know to scatter when they
heard that gun they just
boom one would drop
boom another
would drop talk
about a fucking species getting jacked
yeah species
living forever in this one spot having no problems
eating grass wandering around
and all of a
sudden these little
tank monkeys with
metal bang sticks
come out of nowhere just
start dropping
we talk about an
alien invasion man
how terrifying
must that shit pin to buffalo oh i know that’s like an
alien invasion that’s like fucking we are the war of
worlds right
because we are the
world we are
the world it
would be like we are the
world all the
monkeys are holding hands with the buffalo
i mean think
about how fucking
freaky that
would be if buffalo were intelligent
and this just
started happening and they were just
stuck with these
goofy buffalo bodies
i mean look at dolphin
bodies dolphins can’t really move anything around
can’t you know they can’t
manipulate things
they’re kind of
stuck just as much as buffalo are
you just can’t say that man
doesn’t have an
effect on his environment
because that’s that’s the
first series of evidence that that
proves that you know
we wiped out indians buffalo
and everything yeah
we make shit extinct
and then we
bring a thing or two back like the
california condo but
again it was like yeah right
keep that spot at
all healthy
that little
prick who in my
front yard that owl i hate that
prick i hate it
i hate his gas
owl that lives in my neighborhood
bro i see this
motherfucker at
night he’s big like a dog yeah dude
owls are no joke they’re not
big and fucking
scary and they’re
like the most ruthless predators oh big owls attack
eagles yeah
they go in eagles nest
while eagles are
sleeping and kill them how
about that those are
those fucking
talons that
get you man i seen them jack
rabbits around here man oh yeah it’s a trip
like you’re
watching like wild kingdom type shit
right right on my
street it’s weird
to have a bird there’s a bird of prey living in their
front yard big one
and when he gets loud at night whoo
yeah i’m just like please be quiet yeah
it’s just so
scary it’s like you hear
it coming from his diaphragm he’s a man it’s like a
yeah it’s like a man it’s like a sixty
pound animal there’s a dude out in the tree
i mean i don’t know how
how much they actually
weigh but it looks like if it was a dog it’d be like a
50 50 that take
five six foot wingspan
it’s a flying cat there was one outside
bigger than a cat way
bigger than
a cat there was one outside my window the other day
he was just sitting on my railing
motherfucker was
he had to be almost
three feet tall wow
you’re playing
a big fucking
gray thing yeah
i’m looking i’m like that’s like a demon
thing that only comes out at
night and just jacks things
takes advantage
of the fact that everyone else asleep and just fucks
things like you got to
think like the
first person see like i was thinking
about silverback gorillas it
compared to men
they were discovered pretty recently in the
grand scheme of
things i think
the mountain
grill in the 50s was like the
first time somebody came across like
this healthy
furry black man
who can i’m half
black by the way audience
just to get
out of the way
but like just this a monster
monster there’s a monster
ferocious vegetarian like and nobody would believe
little dick
little tiny ones yeah
he’s full animals at that
you notice them
versus the chimps the chimps are the ones with
those screws yeah
they start clapping
you know out of control
they’re like gangs but the gorilla just eats and sleeps
well they’re vegetarians
that’s the difference yeah that’s
clearly a difference
but i mean they’ve figured out a way to
supply their body with just
plants so there’s no need to be aggressive
except to protect themselves are you a vegetarian no
do you know
herschel walker
yes which is
is this diet real
it may not be
bread it doesn’t make any
sense yeah but it does it how
does it make it
maintain man
apparently herschel
walker is one of
those guys and he’s a
a tremendous athlete
and incredible competitor he’s a
great football player
and he’s been
a great spokesperson for
depression and for
brain injuries and shit like that
and he’s a bad
motherfucker and he’s a
tremendous athlete and
i’m very impressed with the way he gets in his
strike force
the knock on him
is that he wants people to
think and know that he’s
right you know so i mean he is
extraordinary as
an athlete he’s got
extraordinary work
ethic extraordinary abilities
but he wants people to
think that he’s
something out of this world so
say something like
i don’t know this is true i mean this is just what i’ve
heard what i’ve
heard is that he’ll say well i only eat a bowl of soup
a day meanwhile i’m fucking eating food man look at him
he weighs 220
pounds he would disappear
that’s the thing stop it with your
crazy talk he’s massive his traps
start from the bottom of his
ears and i don’t necessarily
believe his dog
yeah i’m a huge fan
yeah he’s i mean i’ve
heard my whole life growing up there like
he only does push ups he only does prison work yeah
i mean does he does
i bought that but the meal
thing i was like there’s no way
doesn’t make any
sense your body would
eat it through your muscles
would continue
to eat them so there’s no
food that’s not enough calories yeah it’s that that’s
ridiculous it
doesn’t make any
sense it’s just
it’s like one plus one is 89
it’s what you’re
saying to me you’re saying you eat a bowl of soup
every day okay
you weigh 220
and you fucking
do mma workouts for
three hours a day
and you’re 47 exactly yeah what are you talking about
what are you talking
about you just
said some nonsense i’m god
i mean i don’t know what he’s
really eating i don’t even know what he really said
but i’ve heard people
that were very knowledgeable that were professional
fitness people instructors
and personal
trainers fight
trainers and
i’ve heard every i’ve
heard like a conversation like
among six guys
and they were all saying
there’s no fucking way there’s no way there’s no way
even with supplements there’s no
way it’s like this guy’s eating food he has to eat food
you have you
know i mean some guys go
vegan there’s a lot of guys that are vegans
that’s pretty extreme
antonio mckee’s very
successful wrestler he’s
really good he’s been undefeated for like i think six
seven years in a row
fucking takes guys down out work some
he’s a he’s a
vegan straight vegan
make danzick
he’s another one
what’s the deal though
how do you get
i mean how do you get your protein it’s like i could
never be one i mean
was the best source because quinoa’s is green yes
yeah spelled
queen nona it’s
spelled like q
u i o n a or something like that
it’s not yeah
it’s really good and it’s
it’s a grain
that has all the amino acids in it but
but if you have hemp protein you’re not
gonna get all of them and if you have
rice protein you’re not getting it all of them
you don’t get the same
stuff that you get out of meat
unless you’re very careful you
gotta be really careful with your protein
i mean is it better to be a vegetarian do you
think i don’t
think so not necessarily
you know it’s an interesting story when
travis barker from
blink 180 whatever the fuck it is what is he from good
point tattoos but
with tattoos yeah
you know that guy got
terrible plane crash
with the dj
well when he got fucked up in that
plane crash
that’s when he became
a meat eater
because the skin
graphs weren’t taking
skin graphs
weren’t taking and then once he
started eating meat they
started taking
wow i’ve been eating hardcore
vegan for like the last couple weeks
how many dicks you suck in
those time but
no but i’ve been only doing it like 90
of the time meaning i’m not like i
still throw in
steak and and
stuff like that here and there
so i’m not doing 100 vegan
but i have noticed
since i’ve been eating
it i just feel way better in like well you need to
clean your diet vegan
cheese by the way
so for you you need to
clean your diet
up you know that so well i’ve always been
i’ve always been eating healthy for weight watchers
cause i’ve been doing weight
watchers for like four years so i’m
still i’m not eating you still
love weight watch
yeah i’ve been on weight
watchers too
this whole time but you fluctuate
you go like back and forth what i’m saying is that
you’re obviously not
watching it all the time
and if you do and you all of a
sudden get on a
strict thing like
a vegan diet
when you’re getting all
these nutrients and all this
fiber and all this
water in your
system you’re
going to feel way better for sure
but a lot of it is because
i’ve been eating a shitlet a kinwa
though that’s
my new favorite
thing you lost
quinoa like i said it’s
spelled funky but it’s protein or
yeah it’s what it’s
what they say is the most complete
plant based protein there’s a place
called swingers
that makes the best
you just go there and get a side of it
i make protein
shakes i put
hemp protein in it hemp protein is pretty good
whey protein really is better
that’s what i was doing i was doing
150 grams of the whey protein
but you know
strangely enough i developed a kidney
stone shortly
after that i
would rather get
shot next time
gotta drink
water son yeah
drinking a lot more now
very important that’s
even better than
water you ever have coconut water
no oh shit son oh you got some coconut
water over here
it’s the best
cocoa in that
water it’s called o
two somebody brought it into
just last one
night it’s called co
two c o two c two o
yeah c two o
fucking awesome wait
way better than
that coconut one or whatever it’s called
by the ladies and gentlemen
this thing still on because
it just crashed yet
this coconut
water is the fucking bomb diggity
folks and it’s
super healthy for you coconut
water if you
if you look at it’s like
nutritional profile
it’s way better for you than
sports drinks
you know it’s like
the best for you like
right after you get done working out
sweet it’s delicious too
it is good so you
gotta take care
of your body son that’s all we’re talking
about here fitness and shit
i just started you know i’m 30 by the way
i have to say this
one more time because i i get
people complain
when someone goes i’m a vegetarian
i go how many dicks suck
i’m not serious okay fucking
relax with the tweets
you you ignorant
asshole vegetarianism is not equal gay
if you’re down with animal suffering and cruelty
it’s just a joke man do you
think mr rogers was gay
cause i watched it the
other day and i felt like i was watching
myself getting raped or something like i was like
whoa this creepy guy
my god he’s so gay now there’s a lot of characters
that like that
are like mr wizard that couldn’t be around
today like old guy doing
experiments in the basement mr
rogers was probably one of
those guys that was gay but
he never did anything
didn’t do anything because he didn’t want to ruin
his reputation he was like dexter
he kept this
he probably
home and cried he probably had three
secrets you know
that haunted him
maybe yeah rogers
is a pillar
in the woods
yeah something probably happened him in that
but whatever that drawing the artist guy
used to go on
canoe trips with kids did you know he yeah
bob ross oh yeah bob ross
did you know who me and bob ross are
gonna go canoeing with the kids this weekend
it’s a beautiful day
are you battling
i like you know who i love is he’ll houser you know
yeah sure he’s
the best he’s only in la guy yeah
he’s the rest
of the country
he’s this local guy and
he’s kind of a country
bumpkin but he’s just as nice and as pleased with
everything you
take him anywhere he’s like wow what’s that
it’s a water fountain
it’s not even on the
floor let’s go
oh wow what does it do
but it’s on pbs it’s one of
these shows
you get so addicted to
watching it’s such bad programming you
begin to love it like really love it
and you just see this guy he goes all around california
he’s kind of
annoying people
but he’s likable you know what i mean and
i saw him one time i’ve
lived in l a hollywood for 10 years
and i was like starstruck i was like now there’s a star
he’ll houser
because you feel like you’re the only one on
earth watching his show
well other people
watch it too and it becomes
but what is uneatertaining and is terrible right
become so terrible becomes
awesome yeah exactly then because
weird it’s like
watching a really bad newscast or something they don’t
know that it’s
the problem with like the guys that are like
they’re doing unintentional comedy
know they’re doing
it they don’t know
so when you talk
to him that’s when you get you get bummed out oh yeah
talking to him and
cuz you’re goofing on them
but they don’t
they don’t want to be goofed on no i’m
a meeting with oliver stone yeah
that sure is neat
some dudes don’t they don’t want to be that guy
yeah who else
is like that like some people and some people embrace
it though you know like you take like a hassle hopper
or somebody
william shatner that’s the coolest guy
you know what i mean it’s like i’m a douchebag yes but
i’m a good one
you know it’s just got that
it’s got that i know i’m a douche feeling i don’t
think you were you
so much so many people
tugging at him you have to act a certain way he’s
you have to be able to
distance yourself
slightly from people he
embraces the caricature he is
you know what
i mean there’s a little of that but he’s also
you know he’s a fucking talented
guy he’s been around a long goddamn time dude i
worship people
probably fuck with them all day yeah i
don’t know anything
about priceline
yeah yeah exactly
he was killer on the twilight he’s on the
greatest twilight zone episode ever nightmare at
twenty thousand feet
how crazy is my man charlie sheen
oh dude i love it this
story just keeps getting better man charlie sheen
if you don’t know the
story charlie sheen
got arrested in a hotel
in new york city coked up
screaming nigger
while a prostitute was locked in his bathroom
pornstar prostitute oh
pornstar pro
it wasn’t even
black porn stars yeah she
wasn’t even
black he just brought the word in he
wanted to get her to fuck him but she
wouldn’t do anything
until she got her
money and he couldn’t find its
money this is a
story that radar online was saying
right so he
fucking starts
punching holes in the wall
screaming nigger
yeah i love that that when i
heard that i
was like it’s getting so good now it’s like
it’s like you can get any better yeah it really make
you get better as if this
bitch had her iphone out
please please
release the
video i’m almost looking
at this like guy like almost like he’s untouchable
this guy’s a bad
motherfucker he’s a bad race
he’s got a race
there’s something
going on there
because i don’t know if you guys remember like six
months ago there was something to do with like mexican
gay and those guys
yeah and what
guys the the cast of that show the two kid the
two dads and a kid
the nasty kid
somebody was trying
his ex wife like
hired a dude like
omar from the wire something to go great
kill him like there’s a hit
yeah no ducky from the
other guy from
the show the
other guy from
the show dude
that show is straight up
gangster you go
see a filming i like that episode
straight up gangster
you get out
of your hands
but you are the
least gangster man
you ever exist you
could do a filming of that
there’s probably some
sketchy shit there you know like there’s probably like
crazy gang and the
worst thing of this
show is awful i
would the show is
oh it seems like that show is horrible i don’t
understand if
mad men was ridable shit like that i’d be like
that’d be pretty cool but it’s like this show is the
worst show ever and it gets the best ratings ever
like it’s the biggest it’s a high
highest rated show
sitcom there’s
only what is the big deal behind the show
what is what do people like
about it you know it’s the one
liners it’s the quips
it’s just you know it’s just it appeals to families i
guess i don’t know i mean it’s kind of it’s
you know i watch it because i asked
every girl i dates for some reason likes that show
so i have that shit on my dvr so once in a
while that’s one of my
good to bed
shows pretty
stupid who yeah
i am but like i put it on before
like before i go to bed and so i end up like half
watching it
and it’s it’s
you know it’s just fucking it’s a sitcom it’s just it’s
part of one
episode i was like alright let’s see what this is all
about i gave it like 15 seconds
yeah to fuck my
wife and i mean as a comedian
you just can’t
you just can’t honestly
people don’t
know how hard it is to go from being a comedian
to doing shitty comedy
doing shitty comedy is hard doing a shitty sitcom
shitty sitcoms are brutality yeah
they’re really hard to do
they’re terrible
you’ve done sitcoms
what was your show again
for you on a shitty one man
oh i was on a show
yeah frank tv that was um
that wasn’t a shitty one was it no it was
a decent it was
a decent sketch it was
small i’ll say it was
small so it was like you know
definitely didn’t
it wasn’t like showing up to the set of
you know a major network it was tbs
but i had fun it was
enjoyable but
but news radio now that’s huge now what was that
like showing it wasn’t huge did that become a huge no
it became huge
after while we were on the air i mean we got this
indication sure
barely right
we were supposed
to get 100 episodes we accidentally did 98
but what happened with news
radio is we just kept getting
moved we got
moved nine times over the course of five
seasons yeah we got
moved like crazy
and you realize that a lot of
what puts a sitcom in certain places
like paul simms
used to talk
about it there was the shit sandwich
between friends
and there was something else that was on
after friends
it was great to something else it was good
and they would always sandwich
these shitty shows
in those spots before that
and those shows
would be huge
like there was
one called the single guy there was this terrible show
really nice guy
it was the star jonathan
something or another yeah i remember
super nice guy
but the show was terrible it just wasn’t good
but meanwhile it’s getting
giant monster ratings just
right after
friends yes
so people would
watch it and
sims would bitch and we
would get moved around and we were on like tuesday and
sunday and wednesday and
monday we just got
moved all over the
place and no one even
when the show got canceled
it partially was because
phil hartman got killed
and so the last
season we did with lovett
and this season
the last season for a couple reasons wasn’t
as good it wasn’t as good because we had a different
executive producer
because paul sims was working on this other
thing called overseas that i was the star of it
was another sitcom that they were trying to do on nbc
and part of it was because
phil was gone
and it was a totally different vibe right
now so we had
you know john lovett who was very
funny but it was very different and we had to
kind of adjust and everybody was all fucked up because
you know just
a few months ago
the dude was hanging out with us and now he’s murdered
we have to like do a
whole episode
where we have to like
you know talk
about how he died
and then this guy
the love its character gets introduced
so that was
part of the reason why it got cancelled but the
other reason was it wasn’t that
successful they
would come in we got
moved around so many times
the writers
would come in like this guy
lou morton who’s hilarious
very very funny
right and this
motherfucker got me addicted to quake
he was the guy who
got me addicted because he was really good at and we
would battle back and forth at work because they had a
whole quake
oh yeah local area network set up there
he used to come in
on the day of
the ratings were released with whatever number
we were because
it became like a joke written on his t shirt
and he came in one day and it said 88
88 we were 88
of all the shows on tv were
88 wow especially
about the 97 98 there
were there even that
many shows on tv
shows and she
were like whoa
wow 88 or we
might have been 84th it was in the 80s but
i mean the thing is that
weren’t you
just glad to show up and be working in hollywood’s
you know what i
mean definitely
absolutely what i’m saying is just
look i i people
would always
bitch people on the set
would be like this is fucking bullshit you know
why does you know
caroline in the city get to be on they were called
caroline in the shitty
you see the new
promo for caroline in the shitty
fucking shows terrible
there was a lot of that
going on there was a lot of that going on
on the set but
there was also a lot of people that were like this is
we’re doing something really special this is like a lot
of fun well as a comedian to you already have kind of
more of a blue collar work
ethic that we have
for actors i
think a lot
not all actors but i
for sure appreciated it more because i
never expected it
right you know yeah and that’s a different
thing actors they always grow up wanting
to be in sitcoms me i was in a sitcom like almost
per chance oh wow
the whole thing became i
never took is it
i heard this
story about that did i hear
right that ray romano was
he was the original
he was the original character couldn’t cut it yeah they
fired him and then hired
another actor to do it for the
pilot so then the
other actor did it for the pilot
and then they
fired him and hired me
so i didn’t really take ray’s part i took the guy who
stole ray’s part isn’t that
something how stories work out like just that
that that close it
could have been some
other than worse
is decided to go a different way with it they just
you know it wasn’t that
ray wasn’t good it’s like you know ray was older and
it was more
relaxed and
i was trying
they were trying to figure out so they they
the next guy was like the zany
guy like ah what have i got over here
and then like
that didn’t work either and then i just got
lucky i just came in
have you taken a
bunch of acting
classes no i’ve been on a shitty show though
i got a development deal with fox
it was with disney
actually and then i was on the show called hardball
this is how bad the show was it was a baseball show
a sitcom and it
could have been
hilarious because the guys who originally
wrote it this guy’s
named jeff martin and kevin kern
they were writers for the simpsons and they
wrote for married with children
brilliant they
wrote a brilliant
pilot the pilot was hilarious
yeah jim brewer was in the
pilot yeah and
mike starr you
might have seen him
using good fellows there’s been a
bunch of movies and
bruce greenwood
and there was a
good cast a
good alexandra wentworth
but the the
the real problem was with the network
and with uh
they didn’t want
these guys jeff and
kevin to be the producers of the show
cause they didn’t
think they knew how to run a show
so they brought in this
other dude this
other dude just
started fucking hacking it up
hacking it up
taking scripts
and just butchering them and just terrible jokes and
he would go and do coke on his yacht
with this girl who was playing my
girlfriend in this
first episode oh my god
became friends with this
chick and would take her on his yacht and they would
write and he
would do blown fucker and
come back with the
worst scripts
of all time
but when they would
come back she
would have like
more reliance
god no it’s
great finally
it got to we filmed a few episodes with this guy
and he was so hated and it was so
the tension on the set was so bad
that they decided to fire him oh
good they got hot
and they brought in another guy
and the other guy closed it out and it was only
eight episodes only
seven of them aired and it was death
and i was done with that i was like fuck acting
this is terrible acting
this is the shit you have to deal with i was
ready to go back to new york
but i fucked up and got a
whole year lease on this
apartment i
couldn’t afford
i was ready
to go back i was like this is i’m done i’m a comedian
like you were
that turned off oh
yeah i was totally
ready to go
and then all of a sudden
boom i auditioned for newsradio and i’m on it
i mean literally like a
month later i’m on
this new show and i’m fucking working with phil hartman
so i go from
never taking an acting class
never even thinking
about doing acting
doing stand up at fucking
jimmy’s comedy
alley in queens
and then a week later
you know i’m in hollywood and two months
later i’m sitting across the
table read from phil hartman
going what the fuck is
going on here
that’s some cool shit
it was bizarre
i was beyond
bizarre yeah that’s cool you’ve lived like
multiple lives it seems
like you’re accomplished in multiple
arenas where it’s like
you did this
done with that do this done with that it’s like i
think that’s the thing
about life you have to keep
just trying new shit
like there’s so many
things like a lot of times i’ll say i want to get into
this but it’s like my life’s over i’m 31 and be like
why not why not
do anything
you know how many times i contemplate
playing professional pool
i stop and think
about how much
money would
i have to squirrel away for a year to join the pro tour
and try to practice 8 10
hours a day
and try to make a run at playing pool and just
play i just want to
place an account
you know you got it in you because that’s the thing
you get that feeling
it’s like when you come and you do something like this
like in hollywood or accomplish yourself in a sport
you become the
elite of your company it’s like
you want to do it
again you want to find some different
things like guys who become scratch golfers like i
think justin timberlake
or somebody’s almost like a scratch golfer at this
point like he’s
he’s really good i’m
obsessed with him yeah i’m like he
kinda should be
you know what i
mean he’s a bad
motherfucker yeah
it’s musashi’s
quote once you
understand the way
broadly you can see it in all
things that’s
one of my favorite quotes
and it’s all
about recognizing what it takes to really master
something really takes to get in tune with what is
great about something the buddha says if you want
to know how good you’re doing it something look back
every 10 years
and that’s another one
that’s one i love one
because that takes 10 years to see your progress yeah
which he always
means stop looking back at your progress and just keep
thinking it
right now goddamn
tricky buddhists yeah god damn it
was johnny appleseed real
or is that just a fictional character he’s real and the
story is bullshit
what is the story
story is that he sprinkled seeds
basically all throughout
the what was it the western
state there
from across the the new
when the louisiana purchase happened i
think he went just go sprinkling seeds like all manic
seeds seeds
what but they
said something
they said i saw a thing
about seeds and they’re like
apples don’t grow that way yeah
seeds are don’t go in certain regions
the first one dies you know it’s
like there’s a real maintenance you don’t just sprinkle
an apple tree is a is a
is a hard fucking
thing it’s almost
like a baby being born a lot of shit has to go
right really
i mean apple
trees are hard to pull off and
they said that him just
going around doing that all it
would create is like sour
grape size apples like it just
doesn’t work that way you
gotta cultivate you gotta
you gotta know what you’re doing so do you think he
spent time to actually
plant them properly
or he just didn’t
really do it and he was just trying to get attention
i think he set up the
one actual little farm for himself but like i said the
second generation
don’t give off as good as the
first and you have to
stick around
and maintain that they act like he’s just sprinkled it
along the countryside
a pot on his hat
maybe it was just his song to promote his
apple farm that he did i think
it’s the legends up there with paul
bunyan pretty much
watch it watch
watch shelly
appleseed is
great great
you motherfucker
do you think
do you think that you
would just get used to living
like people live back in those days
like do you
think i mean
do people just get used to it or do you
think it was like life suck back like did they know
where they like what the fuck
like life is too fucking hard i
think so i think with
those those
pioneers and people who came out to settle the
west i mean it’s like big balls you know i give them
big credit for that because it’s like they came down to
you know the soil and like
north dakota like you can’t get through that shit
good luck farming
they got through that shit and
with horses and they were saying like
yeah the number of people coming out were just
dying and drove
but the ones they finally tackled it and got it
going you know
those are the ones
who obviously survived and
later thrived but
i wouldn’t want to try that shit crazy life
there was a
thing they did on
national geographic
it was a reality show but it was
basically a survivor but no
prize to be won they just
threw you out here you got it
survive in alaska
so i watched that i
watched the
whole thing it was fucking
great dude it really
talks like dudes were getting hungry like in the
first six hours like i can
do this shit
and then when
like even a
real big like this cop dude like he couldn’t hack it
after a while but
ladies were able to hack it was just
they were killing squirrels with
their bare hands to eat
and they quickly
adapted to that
wouldn’t you say like after the
first week all
civility goes out the window no more
table manner i
watched one of the
first episodes only
but they couldn’t find anything to
kill they killed a squirrel and it fell in a hole yeah
shot it and it fell in a hole and they couldn’t get
yeah they couldn’t get to and they were just starving
there was nothing delirious
like you have to start to
training your body in
this sick way to just take one morsel of something and
and maximize
your shit they’d get a kill finally and they’d
make a stew because a stew will go further and you can
transport a stew
because that’s the
thing too you got to
bring your food with you
you know if you kill something they
ate a fucking
ate a porcupine
yeah it was the most disgusting looking
thing when they feel
dressed this
thing things
spilled out of there i’d never
seen in my life porcupine
i don’t remember
it was something
about alaska just something
i think i got it saved
yeah it was good i
watched the
whole thing it was pretty damn good and in the end
they were emaciated looking they looked horrible yeah
there’s a guy we’ve talked
about on the show that you ever
go to that website vbs
tv here’s the
vice guide to
travel there’s a whole
series they do online it’s
great great
stuff and one of them they went to this guy
i think his name is hind mo
it’s a strange name
but this guy lives in like
northeastern alaska
he lives in like this area where
only a few people have
permission to
still live up there and he lives in this one room cabin
and he’s been up there for 30 years
this guy literally
never saw the
towers fall and he can
speak good english he’s a very intelligent guy
and he lives his life just
hunting and gathering just following caribou around
shooting them he has a couple
cabins that he walks to he has no car
he does everything on foot
he gets supplies drops
yeah he gets like bullets and i
guess he must
get some vegetables i don’t know what happens there
i don’t know if he gets canned vegetables but
he’s not eating any vegetables on the
show what he’s always eating is caribou that he kills
and fish that he catches
and that’s what he does every day
every day he’s following caribou around
shooting him but he’s a very bright guy
and when he’s
talking he says that men got away from the
whole hunting and gathering
thing what is that
what is that is that fire alarm
fire alarm i don’t know what that is huh
it’s a water
water thing
that was crazy that was a pipe
i thought it was a
what kind of show is this
dude no this is that’s how ghetto the show is
my pipes are making crazy noises
oh you know that is that’s the in house vacuum cleaner
it’s been fucking up lately
he has these vacuum cleaners where you just yeah
i’ve heard tale of
those before i was cool to actually see one
this house is the shit by the way
this is this is
thank thank god you got that that audition that time
huh it all worked out
money yeah well
so the reason
why i was willing to do something like fear factor was
after doing
like a bad sitcom and then
entertain the idea of doing another bad sitcom
after news radio
i was like i’d rather do something that’s not
funny at all
yeah you know i’d rather do
what else can
i do to get paid i can do this and you’ll pay me okay
let’s do this
right i can do that too
i know as a
comic i don’t
watch comedy i can’t
stand it it won’t make me
laugh i like
drama and i like movies are
good i like hangover
hangover was hilarious
movies are always good they don’t they don’t they don’t
screw you over they’re not trying to fit in
laugh every
minute in ten seconds
right you know
right they’re trying to make a good
story they can do a good
story i like
gallophanec it’s a lot i think he’s
have you seen the new one no
is it good i
heard brody’s
awesome in it
brody’s so great the brody is it out
yeah dude it out
so you’ve run as easy saw it said it was really good
lucky you can’t go
wrong calvinacas
he’s just funny he’s
gonna be like make a real mark like a
bill murray i think
he’s already like that
the way people love him he’s already
what about the whole
stink though that he
bill murray obviously is a
legend yeah
absolutely it
in when bill
murray was coming up and he was in that
that vibe you know like when
stripes was you remember
stripes yeah
absolutely when
stripes is coming out man
bill murray was like anything you
could say was
funny yeah yeah
would watch them
galvanakkas is like
right he’s getting there i
watched that you know i
never watch
stand up comedy and i
watched one
night i was
watching netflix i was like i’ll
check him out
at the purple onion it was like i was genuinely
laughing my ass off
he’s very fun
and as a performer i
watch you know it’s a very precise
crafted thing that
he does and he’s really good at it you know what i mean
to the point
where i can
respect and be like oh wow this is a comedians
like a magician it’s like oh i know how he did
right well i
see that that’s
great good job
but i was literally
laughing i was like who
makes you laugh the most
besides me guys like you brody
obviously your friends i
still laugh
is it like late like brody
he’s probably the biggest on
spoken treasure
bro he probably
just gets to all of us and the thing
about brody is you have to see him live
thank you and i talked
about this you
have to see him in person to get the joke
yeah because
people who just see him online or something
they don’t there’s something missing in the two
world you have to see
and feel and know the mannerism and see that
this is a character but god damn it is this
character always
you know being attended to it’s like
okay hold on i’m
gonna put stops that
no stopped on so
he makes me laugh
bill burr makes me
laugh a lot bill burr
is hilarious
he’s always writing too i’ve
heard his mention
that he’s the best
one of the best right now
and people are
starting to say that it’s
like you get so knee deep in it you don’t even like
kapur is my best friend and it’s like i forget
i forget he’s
famous now it’s
weird it’s like we go places and
he gets mobbed i’m like wow is that
from the chelsea handler show yeah big time
that seemed
to just put him through the roof and now he’s doing
great on the road he’s
happy he just got
engaged the
other day that
should work out well yeah and her most to beat she got
engaged and is she
gonna let him play xbox and yeah
hey come over here yeah
we’ll still play madden i’m sure but we’ll play online
but it’s like you know
i things make me
laugh that sometimes
it’s not even a person or a comedian
it’s a dog dogs make me my dog right but
i mean like with
stand ups like patton
oswalt i do
louis anderson off
and on off and
on you know
he’s one of my favorites
the comedians a comedy tour
you know i like that a lot i like
because galvanakis did some work on that one and then
who are the
other nerds
brian besain
yeah he’s great
i like patton oz
what i do because he appeals to
comedians is just sometimes he’s just a little too yeah
i think he’s
he’s comfortable there’s really
what he did this bit
he did this bit that that
i fucking one of
those i wish i thought of that because i’ve
often thought
about it but i
never thought it was
funny about
how all those
stores like on melrose and
stuff like you’re like how did
how does these
places pay for
their rent they’re selling candles you know
it’s probably like 3 000
and this whole
bid on that and fucking
brilliant you just
pride you know i
think he’s that was one that he just made up that
night you see the kid he
felt like he’s a writer
yeah writer
you see the
kid who ripped him off and was doing his
job that was hilarious yeah
kids had ripped him off one kid ripped him off during
a commencement
speech or some sort of a
graduation speech
how can you
do that he fucked up and it was a one that’s online
man it’s like a fucking like
especially now
see that’s what the internet is doing it’s eradicating
liars it’s getting rid of liars at
least there’s a
major reference
point here it’s like you know
cause remember like when you were a kid
you know there’d be a kid in your
fifth grade my dad plays for the raiders
it’s like i’m pretty sure he
doesn’t but i can’t really prove that
wrong but it’s like now you can
prove the person
wrong on the spot there’s some
crazy liars out there
man i remember one time i was at this club in florida
and this guy goes yeah my boy’s on the
phone my boy fought chuck
lil before beat him back in 99
you know it’s
like ninety nine or whatever the fuck the date was
so i got on the
phone this guy
i go what’s up
it goes yeah yeah fuck
chuckle dough
fuck chuckle dough
what happened i stopped him stop
what year was this
he tells me the i go that didn’t happen
i go the only people
chuck’s lost to at the time was jeremy horn
and he had just lost to randy
mm hmm yeah
the only people he’s lost to what are you talking
about man no man
this guy just made something up
just completely
crazy story up about
about fighting
chuck liddell
was like totally artificial
yeah don’t you
think they document
something that important you know yeah it’s just
just like how people
come up to you and they’re always like saying dude
my friend used to hang out with you there’s just
these stories that people tell
people to get like
i was partying with him in vegas
when you get
back to the room it was hilarious
i found out what a
great jokes i
found out exactly what this shit
tastes like the c2o
water it drink it and
think of cereal
water cereal milk
after gordon grams
it tastes like that that’s why it’s delicious
yes it’s healthy for you too it’s all real pure coconut
water listen
right out of coconut that’s some good shit
where do you get that at online
who’s your dealer
get you what some dude got it in la
but i don’t know what
story got it from he brought to
jiu jitsu and he’s handing them out
actually sell them at the nutrition
stores and i just
found out do they yeah it’s like
pretty good two dollars a bottle we
should be getting a cut from this
now we should
be a podcast they
should be a
sponsor bullshit
yeah dude you
gotta get them you
gotta get free
slight and coconut
water so you know i just realized talking to you
about impressions that
you know i don’t
i’ve never practiced
any of the impressions that i’ve done
i just do them
like with joey diaz or
something like that i just know i can do it and
i just do it yeah
are you that way too like you hear someone talk
yeah i think it’s like you
gotta get out of your own way you just let it filter in
and come out come out
you know cause
it’s like like
you’ll hear
it if you try to scrutinize it you’ll really
start to fuck it up but how do you practice it
you know i’ll
listen to them on headphones and if i don’t hear my
voice anymore that means i’ve
matched it whoa
it means i’ve mashed it
like the morgan freeman i
started working on in eighth grade
well now hold on joe rogan
let me get to that
let’s see here
there’s a fellow
named morgan freeman
and i started working on the
impression when i was in the eighth
grade yes sir
i was about 14 years old
jerked off seven times a day
dude that is creepy
and it took me forever
what happened
and the way
i finally perfected it when i was like 22
i saw ben affleck on
dave letterman and he was doing a
morgan freeman
impression but it was horrible
but he was doing one
thing i wasn’t doing
right is that
thing it’s all in here
he was adding that but
everything else was
wrong and i
married the two and i was talking like
morgan freeman
all day i was calling restaurants but i’d like to get a
table for two please
and they were like okay mr
freeman i was testing it out and i was like oh my god
this is amazing
so when i nail and i’ve been working on tom
hanks for years and i
still can’t get it there’s something
but he’s one of
those like iced like
morgan freeman everybody knows who he is but
nobody doesn’t
you know yeah and it’s somewhere in here i
found that i can yeah
i can go back and forth with it but it’s it’s
you’re missing a little yeah it’s
missing i’m
game show hosty with it
right now but it’s like
hahaha there’s
there’s world war two tom
hanks who’s very solemn and talks
about world war two
but then there’s you know i’m
conan o’brien
sounds like the
shape of your head is wrong
but i can’t make that noise
no i think that is i
think that has a lot to do with
there’s certain
impressions that i can do that
other people can’t do
right i think it’s the
shape of my face there’s ways to
manipulate your throat
i mean i can tell
definitely you know you can move
contort your mouth like biggie smalls i
started working on that impression one time too
and i found out i could sound like a fat guy
but it’s like you can contort your mouth
he’s a little too
much love ralphie
if you listening
you know we love you
he’s like cartman on us and the
obama alfie
smokes more
weed than any of us oh dude did you hear the
story about him getting caught
up there that was
so brilliant he’s like
my man is bringing weed
across the world yeah that’s
great that’s
risky don’t you know anybody there
you know i would i
would much rather try to find a kinect
you can find a kinect
man trust me
you’re gonna be okay
they’re growing that
shit like crazy out there
big time and
it probably goes well yeah it’s a cash crop son
get it number one cash crop in
hawaii and they’re trying to eradicate it all the time
today by the way proposition 19
today it all goes down how’s it looking as you
may have been
checking the
their description
post is keeping a
latest news it’s
52 7 if it loses it will mark
how oppressed we
truly are i don’t
think it’s gonna pass
i don’t think
really it’s
gonna be like the gay vote
we all thought that was
gonna pass you know and i’m just
basing it on there has even been advertising there’s
not been some big push for it it’s it seems like it’s
definitely you know and then there’s a lot of people
against it a lot of the growers obviously because who
benefits during prohibition that’s the problem
you know there’s a lot of the medical people are
against it right
i don’t know man i
think it’s evolution i
understand their position i feel bad for
doctors that have been prescribing weed if it becomes
legal then all of a
sudden hey where’s my business
i’m making all my
money sticking my neck out there prescribing weed
now i gotta
go back to giving kids band aids what the fuck man
you know it’s tough
maybe it will
lower the cost of
health care because they all have to go be doctors
again and there’s more doctors
how does that benefit that doctor just lost a job
brian this is illogical
yeah i think
you know they just
need to figure out another way to become a part of the
system so they’re selling it man how
many of them fucking dispensary and you know what’s
funny on the
other side of the cops
are you know obviously they
want it to be illegal so they don’t have to deal with
this i mean it’s
everybody knows it
should be it’s this
political suicide of fuck
about potheads they know potheads they know potheads
right harmless
they’re worried
about meth heads
right fucking junkies and drunks
had to cops
worried about the worry
about violent people
it just takes somebody to actually do something i don’t
think anybody did and nobody’s
gonna commit
political suicide this year
that’s what we need
with somebody huge the president somebody to say but i
understand why they can’t they just can’t
i don’t know what happens when you get an office but
clearly someone sits you down and adjust your agenda
obama before he was in office
you know yes i inhaled you
could say it because it was the point sure
you doing obama well
it’s time for lead i
take pauses
between every word i say
so the stupid people can
understand me
no did you do you smell son
in college sir
i did did you inhale
i took bong
rips out of a homemade bong
and i blew them and to everybody on the floor’s mouth
we got high
supplies the site
he talked about it you know openly and
when he was campaign there
is something they set you down it’s like the men in
black thing they go
something get
your agenda
man because
it’s it is it’s
it’s a head it’s a figure you’re not
you know but
who is pulling the strings then
is there a one person is there a committee is there
is there a society
yeah man you fucking if you just read
about the illuminati and listen
to alex jones you would know
who there’s
gotta be there’s
gotta be a one it’s
gotta come it’s
gotta come down it’s
gotta be well or
group it’s definitely well
right right it’s international bankers
right cause it’s like yeah it’s
gotta be international
cause back in america’s fan of like carnegie’s and all
them they’d get together and be like it’s our country
dude i’m reading this max
ty eb article
that’s in rolling stone
god damn it and come hold on i’m
gonna stop that shit i’ll be
right back all right
everyone’s ears
hey so they went away uh cool let’s turn this back on
so yeah
i’m getting hungry dude dude i’m hungry this coconut
water is delicious yeah
you actually believe in
crazy dream
stuff yeah we have talked about this before where he
sat me down was telling his theories he reads all
these books on what kind of dreaming is that called
again lucid dreaming lucid dreaming
vacuum cleaner unit
it’s screaming
he’s letting me know it’s
dying what were we talking
about before i took off because it was interesting um
smoking or the people who run the country who runs
the country who the fuck do you
think runs it it’s not the voters what do you
think happens when you get into office do you
think they actually
bill hickstyle
sit you down and
show you an
angle of the
kennedy assassination that no one’s ever seen before
sit in a room with that what did he say a
bunch of smoky industrialists yeah
you know what questions
yeah well what’s my agenda
doesn’t it seem like there
kinda is though it’s like think
about like the
skull and bones that you know
like these real real
upper echelon kind of
societies that you can
never belong to in your privity information that nobody
because that’s
the most likely scenario
that these elite colleges and
keep this group of people in
power you talk
about people that have been the
skull and bones from college i mean it was john kerry
it was bush
there’s been a
bunch of different people
they’re groomed for this from freemasons
get go and it’s like you know
obama not necessarily
not really wasn’t but was if you were
going to harvard
it’s not out of the question to become president it’s a
seven percent acceptance rate
there it’s i think
everybody who becomes president always wanted to be
absolutely it didn’t just
occur to you someday
it’s the ultimate political rockstar
that’s what it is even john kerry was doing that’s why
he went to vietnam i mean at
least he went but that’s why he went he’s like i’m
gonna be president
so i could be a hero and get
pictures taken
yeah how ruthless is that
and go to war
and say i am a veteran
i fought for my country
claps and cheers yeah he didn’t need to go
you know what i mean wow
yeah he was
definitely in college at the time
dudes like bush
like oh my back hurts
i think that’s smart man
as i’ve gotten older
my opinion of bush has
changed over and over i
was changing i used to
think that bush was this fucking
monster and this
ignorant piece of shit
you know thrust into
this scenario to kind of
lower our standards and make everybody
think that mediocre is good
and you can invent words and
it’s okay to talk about god
and then i realized that this is just a dude with a job
you see the relationship with dick
cheney and him
i don’t think
number one i think he’s probably one of the most fun
of all presidents you can hang out with dude
you know in my opinion of him changed
when that guy threw his
shoes at him in iraq
oh yeah yeah that’s when i started looking at him
when he ducked the shoe and smiled
and ducked the shoe and smiled
again he’s like
i’m like this ain’t no ruthless murderer
you see some fucking dude who’s just got a job and i
never thought that of him in the same
thing that bothers me when people shit on
obama for saying like oh he reads a teleprompter
you know how many
speeches he gives a day
yeah that is the dumb
oh he’s got notes
what the fuck
he’s prepared
you’re upset that he’s
prepared you want to do a good yeah and it’s the same
thing when people say
that george w bush is dumb i can promise you this he
would bury me in a political debate
he would no shit no he
wouldn’t no he
wouldn’t maybe not
about policy
no but not about anything stop it listen
you’re a hundred
times smarter than that guy
yes for sure that
was something brought
in he was brought in
to represent the common folk the same way sure they
they enabled the
the conservatives to really
gain control this country by embracing the christian
right right
when the reagan administration came in line
that was the
first time when they really went out of
their way to embrace religion oh yeah
go go go to the christians yet
the the really zeal
it christian
was no religious guy they never did
that before
the moonies are doing this all
these other
motherfuckers doing this they’re running
they’re making millions of dollars from
these morons
let’s just tap into this shit
and we’ll use this as
gonna be a big part of our platform
this will separate us from everybody else make us more
righteous it’s amazing it’s
especially with
reagan it’s like the conservatives always talk
about too it’s like oh hollywood
liberals and
their actors and all that it’s like
the ones they
champion the most are actors right
ronald reagan
you know fred
thompson it’s so
crazy that you would
allow a guy who’s an
expert at lying and pretending
to be the guy who’s supposed to tell you the
truth and a divorcee
that’s yeah that’s a
chick that’s a chicken being
guarded by wolves that’s
the most ridiculous
thing ever you
getting a guy who’s the best faker ever yeah
and he’s the one who’s
gonna deliver the truth
what i shot a
thing recently
at the republican headquarters
here and it was amazing to be in there and it’s all
pictures of ronald reagan as far as the eyes can see
which is understandable but i’m just like
didn’t you guys remember bush
41 and bush
43 they both were presidents too
no pictures at all they’re like no no
brian brian go on youtube and find
ronald reagan’s speech
where he talks
about aliens
have you been a speech
that is one of the trippiest
speeches of president has ever given
to people talking
about the intergalactic
he talked about if we
how quickly we
would abandon all of our
troubles with each
other if we were being attacked by
aliens from another planet oh wow
the fucking president was talking about this
jesus i mean he was making a
point clearly that you know
we would be united as one
you think we
would you think we
would for sure we were you
think we’d go after each
other no we
would not we would not
if there was
if there was
aliens the only problem is if the
aliens got to like you know
some douchebags i don’t
wanna mention any names and there’s been
some douchebag
countries right
like listen
just come with us we’ll give you fucking flying
saucers to sell out
these other cunts
right now and then they
would go over and say listen we’ve made
peace with the
aliens the aliens
are friends we just come over here we’ll show you
where they are
and boom you’re in a cage
they’re definitely hostile
if they’re coming
maybe well we are
you know we’re hostile to
everything and like we talked
about the east
coast the west
coast and survival that it is and
you know just the what
the massive change has happened
in this country it’s all been because of negative shit
all this massive
change a lot of it is because of negativity i
feel like something in our lifetime is
gonna happen like bigfoot’s
gonna get found
like something cool like that some
legend some
legend is gonna
get dispelled or some
legend is gonna get proven true
well you know there’s
the craziest theory
about your life
is that your life really what it actually is is as
the world gets crazier
and as more
chaos ensues and you
worry about extinction you
worry about
some sort of
a cataclysmic disaster that wipes out the race
what you’re really
realizing is that you’re dying
and that your own
world this universe that you have created is slowly
starting to fall
apart the seems because your life is
starting to end
and this whole life
of history and
space it’s all an illusion
and it’s all something that’s
been created by your imagination and as it plays out
as it becomes more and more
ridiculous and catastrophic and
as it ends that’s as your life ends wow
that’s an interesting
point to think of that way
just as possible as
you are one being and there’s a billion
other beings and they’re all in this one rock and
all this one galaxy and
i mean that’s
crazy as itself
in and of itself it’s all
crazy it makes
sense and it makes
you just realize sometimes too just a silliness like
sometimes you almost just want to sit down and just
laugh at the
silly shit that we do
oh my god why do i care
like i can detach
myself from something really quickly
through that you
know and that’s what kind of like buddhism is always
about like just detaching from it not giving a shit
you know what i mean it’s like if it doesn’t
affect you like
death does not
scare me it’s like man it’s gonna come
suffering fucking sucks yeah
suffering sucks being injured sucks being
you know being in pain sucks but yeah
death is like
sleep right losing someone sucks
someone’s sucks
but it’s like everybody’s biggest fear is
death and it’s like if it ain’t getting
and even if it is your biggest fear and
it happens then what
but then what happens i always talk
about how one of the trippiest
things in this life is that everyone likes to
sleep but no one wants to die
you know when
you’re looking forward to
going away you’re looking
forward to shutting off you know
right looking
forward to the relief
that you get from turning your body off and recovering
right that’s some pretty
crazy shit man yeah dude
it’s the same kind of
effect that the dmts released during
dream state that supposedly
right it’s all
anecdotal evidence but that’s what they believe happens
but all i know is
i don’t give a fuck
about i love it i love
going to sleep
here we go i don’t
think about the fact that i’m
gonna disappear for
eight hours and
i’m just gonna
trust that the world
doesn’t fall
apart the seams and
explode while i’m
it’d be cool to be able to hibernate
dude bears don’t
really hibernate you know that they’re always still
semicontinent blissful
kinda just relaxation they just don’t do much
they just kinda like go fuck this sucks yeah i
guess they could
still get up and fuck you up man
yeah cause there are
bear attacks in the winter
right that’s
crazy yeah well the real
scary thing
about the bear attacks in the winter is there
most of the time
bears trying to eat you
because they’re
starving to death
that’s how grizzly man died
that crazy asshole that
was living up in alaska with all those
bears yeah you
heard the tape have you seen the
video i haven’t heard the
tape the death tape
there’s a death tape
isn’t there a death tape
i don’t think
there’s not one yet they
wanted to get
it but it was what it was is the camera was running
there was only
audio right and
bernard herzog the director listens to it on camera
you see him listening
to that’s what they should
they don’t actually
play it at all
it was like
six minutes long there
did they show that guy on that i survived who got
basically eaten and mauled
by a bear and survived it the bear was shitting on him
peeing on him
like treating him like his kill it was so
nasty that’s so scary
how did you get
out of that
there was a threat
you just got sick of
reagan show
this world rewind
from the beginning
their species
rewind it by
suddenly there was a threat to this
world from some
other species
from another planet
outside in the universe
we’d forget all the little
local differences that we have
between our countries
the united nations
perhaps we need some outside universal threat
to make us recognize this common bound
i occasionally
think how quickly
our differences worldwide
would vanish
if we were facing an
alien threat
from outside this world
wow so true
space is filled with warriors
yeah just flying
other countries jacking people
i’d like to
think that we
galvanize and
annie up and i’ll get together
like in science do you think so
well i think we
would to attack the
aliens but do you
think that any species ever gets to a
point where it
doesn’t fuck with the weaker species it’s hard to
think that a mass
collectiveness of
fight or flight
would happen i
think most would fly
most people just go hide and be scared
no no no no what i’m saying is do you
think that alien life
in all all galaxies and all whatever wherever exists
wherever it
exists intelligent life do you
think it always fucks
with whatever is weaker than it does that just help
things become
strong yeah i
think so i think that’s nature
right that’s just dominant survival so
they came here they
would have to fuck with us
they would have to fuck with us now the
thing i don’t quite
understand is why everybody gives them credit
for being so
smart if they came here you know
cause they can
come in they
can get here but
what if we can get to
where they’re at
well we can’t
we’re getting closer
we are getting closer
but more water on the moon
but but yeah they found
more water yeah
a lot more than they
thought yeah
there’s also the idea that they
could use that as like the moon as a refueling stations
something up there
and they use that like as a launch because it’s 260 000
miles out it
doesn’t have the same kind of gravity
right so they
could start launching shit from the moon but
you know you have to
prove to me that you can survive in deep
space for a long period of time that people are
going to willing to take be
willing to take that chance
yeah this is like
the mars project
and there’s another thing that
they’ve been concentrating on this idea of 100 year
spaceship a
spaceship that can exist and
has enough fuel to run a hundred years
and survive to
colonize galaxy
that’s like a project that’s currently in development
that kind of
stuff like you know
fuck man that’s some deep shit like if they really
a hundred years
spaceship and
that’s possible
yeah but that
would suck like being on the hundred year
spaceship and then like a
couple years there they made like the two hundred year
spaceship and
man i would be on the two hundred year
spaceship so my kids
could live longer too
oh yeah but
change it i
think you have
a hundred years to get somewhere and if you can’t get
there in a hundred years you’re fucked but the thing is
how do they keep enough food
how big is this goddamn spaceship
are they growing
their own food like that
yeah you’d have to do something you’d have
to grow your own food and what kind of
power would you be able to use nuclear
power you have to use nuclear
power how the fuck else
could you what
if everybody got radiation sickness and shit
or you just by the time
you got there were you communicating with
shit three eyed
motherfuckers with
six arms and shit everybody was a mutant
while the radiation because they
never done long term exposure studies they had a
we haven’t take a chance
i’d sign up for that ship
yeah i always
think when people
think that maybe this if this is the last
generation or if the mayan calendar persecure
something like that i feel pretty damn
honored to be on the last
part of the last
generation again that
could just be
the end of your life man yeah exactly i manufacture
so it does that
mean that you’re a character in my life seems like it
through your eyes i’m or
am i in yours well
maybe we’re all both
maybe it’s both maybe it’s
maybe there’s no tangibility to life
maybe it’s ether
oh maybe it
exists in both ways maybe
you’re just
a part of my imagination and i’m a part of yours
like that’d be
crazy if you made up all this the
earth the atmosphere you made it all it’s not
that you made it up that
it almost exists
as a part of your program
well that’s what we’re talking about
earlier lucid
dreaming like the ability to wake up during your
dreams until you do that
right done and i
can’t say i do it
often it’s hard i’ve only done it once
or twice by accident and because i saw a
movie where a guy had a technique
where in real life
every time he’d walk through a door he
would knock
on a door he would
knock on the door and go am i
dreaming yeah
that’s the that’s the
trick that i
did it once in a
in a dream that stephen
dr steven and
burge is when i’d read all
these books
about it quite by accident one day but i
started reading
it was fascinating because he did it at stanford
and taught all
these kids to do it and
to the point
where they were so good at it they were developing
skills in their
dreams they
could do it at will
it’s basically
like laying down in bed and saying here’s what i’m
gonna dream
about tonight
it’s like a
meditation practice
you can do it two ways you can wake yourself up in a
dream or you can just
enter it straight in
and that takes extreme concentration like
focus focus focus but
you know in it it’s like you
start to realize how fascinating your brain is
cause you’ll
completely reproduce something to a tea like you
like i fucking made that that’s my thought i’m walking
how many times have you done this
i’ve done it probably like five times in my life it was
it’s hard and the problem is it’s like if you
smoke pot you don’t get true rem
sleep like a lot of people like you know don’t
you don’t seem to
you don’t have
potheads don’t seem to remember
dreams as well some are different
maybe it’s a different kind you’re smoking
is that true
if you inhibit your your
your brain at all with alcohol anything you’re
gonna have a harder time
dreaming pot stops me from dreaming
google that see i don’t kills dreaming
but i don’t know but i know that the times i’ve
the best time
to have them they say is in the morning wake
yourself up like at six in the morning and go back to
sleep yeah like
thompson you
get them that’s when you can get them
for the novice
they say and i’ve only
had a few but they’re amazing it’s like you manufacture
this world you can fly
the thing that you tend to do
which i do is you go around
punching people because you can’t
it’s just amazing but your
brain is as real as you and i are right now
and if you just there’s
focus and techniques
thing like you can use on youtube and stuff
they’ll show you how to do it
well what i
should explain what i was talking
about before just
the knock on the door yeah the guy said
knock on the
door in real life when you walk through your
house knock on the door and go
am i dreaming
right and then
obviously you walk through it you’re not
dreaming but
you feel the
knock and that’s
how you know you’re not
dreaming well
i did this for a couple days and then i was in a
dream and i went
am i dreaming
oh my god i’m
dreaming right
my hand just went
right through the door right
i was like whoa
and so then i open up the door and the door was like
the edge of a
cliff yeah and there was like
clouds and shit i just
started flying wow isn’t this shit the dope is fucking
it for like thirty
seconds and it
cause i was going
holy shit i can’t believe i’m
dreaming yeah
how am i doing i’m awake they
say that it that’s what happens the
first time is
you’re so overwhelmed by it you’re like shot my load my
pants yeah it
was like oh
my pants off
that’s what happened i was like really
gonna have sex yeah oh fuck
but it’s like if you practice it enough it’s just like
meditation you can get good at it
apparently i just forget to practice it cause i just
crash half the time
well you know you asked me
about the isolation tank that’s got to look into
fuck all that i
dream yeah because the isolation tank is lucid
dreaming in ten minutes guaranteed yeah
right guaranteed
every time you’re
gonna go somewhere
oh that’s awesome and the more
you the more you
relax the more you get
good at it and the more you get good out of the deep
you can go and the
weirder things get
my dad always told me
about it as a kid he did it a lot in the air force
what do you live
what part of la we
don’t have now
it’s a place in burbank
it’s called soothing solutions it’s really good and
they have these tanks and you rent
them by the hour and you get
totally worth it man
so let’s try it it’s the same temperature as your body
so you can’t feel your body
right you don’t feel your body
you just feel the water
when you get into it and the
water is filled with 800 pounds of salt so you float
alright and then once you relax
you’re floating in that
water and you don’t hear anything
you don’t see anything you have no sensory input
there’s another
place in venice called the
float lab that’s awesome
he’s the guy who
built my latest tank the
state of the art guy if you go to fulltlab com he’s got
all his lab
like he’s got all of his
tanks and the design like it’s all
stainless steel and shit his
stuff is like real high tech like top of the line oh
wow it’s basically the same
amount of money as the
other tanks on the
market right
he charges the same amount
but they’re
fucking infinitely superior there
how long can you
can you stay in
those i go in there for
hours really
hours yeah it’s just like extreme
meditation it’s just
space travel dude i have a
spaceship and
the things that i’ve seen
the shit that i see on a regular basis in there
most people don’t ever
experience their
whole life and i
experience it several times a week
which the cool
thing is because
the body if you’re not physically there it’s
still a real experience
you know what i mean it’s that you
still your mind is still
learning experience
yes if it were real yes because
you’re untethered from your body
so your body and
you don’t get any
input from your body so your mind is free to just
explore any idea
and manifest and visualize
these ideas
right you know your imagination when it’s not
harness or not like being controlled by the body
you know or being
hampered down by the body your imagination like creates
worlds oh yeah
you know we don’t fucking
know exactly what
thinking and imagination
truly is yeah we’re not tapped
what is imagination the ability to create in your mind
i mean that seems to me
to be some sort of a driving
force in the universe
if you look at what the idea of imagination
the idea of creation it manifests itself in a
bunch of different things
it manifests itself in art
and it manifests itself in inventions and it
manifests things that
improve your life and keep people healthy and
keep people
alive longer
so they figure
things out more so they come up with better ideas
these are all products of the imagination
everything from
science to vitamins
these are products
that someone went
i think i can
get that shit out of there and put it in a pill
that’s the imagination that’s
the mind trying to be curious and figure this shit out
i mean it’s like a driving
force of the universe and it’s kind of
like an all
ubiquitous force too
cause it’s like sometimes
inventions are
being thought of at the same time yeah sure
like the wright brothers you know they were working on
thing but there
was that guy over in england who had his
thing he was working on they were racing each other
i mean flight
was inevitable you knew it was perfect perfect example
what you saying
earlier that cell
phones if you had them in the past people would
think of them like you were a witch
i’ve said that so many times
perfect example
but it’s two people looking something both of them are
going well what
is going on here and then
both people come to some sort of the same
conclusion when they figured out
radio it was the same
thing there was a
bunch of people that figured out the radio
it was marconi
there was a
bunch of different guys
who were working on
the same situation
and then every now and then you get a guy like
nikola tesla
that’s so fucking far out there
no one thought of any of the shit that he came up with
and you look at his
stuff you’re like what the
fuck is this dude on that da vinci
they had da
vinci up at the getty
and i went and looked at
his scribblings just like he
literally you
know the helicopter all that shit the
guy was so bloody
genius brilliant like his
sketches were just like i cannot believe somebody was
thinking this advance dude
ever but this wasn’t even like the 1400s
somebody made a threat
about it on the rogan
board saying
what was it
could you imagine
this is the guy said
if you lived in a
world where everyone else had down
syndrome no man
he was like
that’s what it must have been like to be da vinci
we’ve lived in the 1400s creating helicopters machines
bisecting the
human body what
diagramming into a tee
and your neighbors just some retard just like what
saith you sir
yeah he’s fucking a sheep
and he probably and he’s probably one of
those guys like i can’t
believe it’s the fucking fourteen hundreds i can’t
wait i’m not
gonna be here
right time travel
yeah big time dude
i think there are time
i i think there is
going to be time
traveling good we can do that shit
yes there will be but there hasn’t been
that’s why no there hasn’t been
and then when it does happen it’s like i said it’s
gonna make everything null and
boys gonna break the
whole package
did you know they filmed
back to the future they filmed like half the
movie with eric stoltz
as the role of
marty and then
and like they just
weren’t feeling it they had to go back
and re film the
whole movie from the
start there a
month michael j fox
michael j fair a
month in with
salts and they just released
recently because they just came out on dvd yeah it’s
on the dvd said i’ve seen it before because i remember
saying the eric stolts footage and just like do
that ain’t right
it’s not right is that
right it’s just not good
rocky dennis is
back to the future
eric stoltz
it’s probably what all fell
apart for him
and you know what that’s that’s the
thing it’s like what he do
some kind of wonderful
and then bit parts here and there fiction was the best
pulp fiction
is was the apex of his career
was he in killing zoe
yes yeah yeah that’s one of my favorite
movies that’s that’s a good goddamn
he was a good act
there’s guys
like him like matt modine like what happening
those guys like matt
modine yeah matt modine well
imagine quest
yeah that guy was awesome vision
quest is a great goddamn
movie yeah dude he’s
gonna wrestle
for state he’s got the heat suit on that are banned now
it’s a good fucking
movie that’s a good fucking
movie i love matt modine and
the hot chick what the fuck was her name
in that movie
oh god damn that
bitch is pretty god she was what is her name
who has envisioned
quest thank you
six it’s not diane lane was it
no i don’t think that was diane
lane look it up you need can you
imdb it should be a vision
quest like see
this is the beauty
of the internet man
this is the
everything brian cast
he writes asshole in everything every quest really yeah
every time he does an internet search
he’ll add finger butthole
just to live it up what the photos are
only has an asshole
who is the chick i’m still
looking linda florentino
damn nobody
heard of her anymore linda
furiantino she was hot as fuck yeah
remember how pretty she was she was remember phoebe
kate she was hot
phoebe kates the fast times
the dudes in the bathroom
yeah and she walked in caught him with
his dick in his hand she just kind of went away too
yeah well she got
pregnant i think and had some
shit so she’s
married to the actor
mmm greg kineer with the
other one it’s kind of like i’m trying to climb
yeah i think she’s married to kevin klein kevin this
is jonathan taylor oh kevin klein i
think a different kevin shit we’re talking
wow god damn it
but if she’s still
linda tarantino yeah she’s still
she kind of looks like she got
smushed against a wall on her imdb
see how like it looks like she just got
i hope she didn’t she still pretty as fuck yeah
that would suck
what about laura flynn boyle she’s
weighs 18 pounds
i saw her in a photo
she’s walking on the
beach and she looked like like like she was from
kenya i saw she was a
stick figure
i saw her maybe a couple years ago and she just
married some guy and she’s like this is my new
husband his poor guy just like a regular fell out of
texas like an accountant
mike has no idea
of course he’s like yeah i’m
gonna marry
a movie star sure
she’s a good
woman just trying to keep it together yeah
oh man i’ve seen
those before
there’s nothing sadder than a dude who’s on a ride he
doesn’t understand
so true that’s so true
regular civilian ones are
marrying some
crazy movie star shit
so fuck jack
nichols said old decent
texas fella too
good luck oh i know
good luck with all your fucking country
logic stupid
this shit ain’t
gonna work out i’ll change him
what has been the
weirdest thing
about coming here
and you know
starting out
you know doing all the you
know working for the comedy
store and doing all
that shit and then eventually winding up on television
starting to make
money what’s been the
weirdest part
about it to you
i think it’s
the weirdest part is
for me it’s
like the distance put in between
some of your peers
that you started with
cause there’s this idea that comedies like
freshman football
i’ve been at it long enough i
should get my shot but it’s
bullshit some guys just haven’t
yeah there’s a
wild sense of that you’re
not good there’s a you know you’re just resentment
among some guys that don’t become
successful about
people who are and
it’s really something sad too because it’s it’s one of
these things
where it’s like you know we
started off ten years ago a
bunch of us together me caperola
ren is easy
and it worked
for some of us and for some it didn’t and it
doesn’t mean that it’s
owed to you because
like i said it’s like it
it’s really
hard even if you’re really good it’s really hard
and you’re not
hollywood doesn’t owe anybody anything not a damn
thing and it didn’t ask you to come here and it
doesn’t tell you when to
leave but you got to know
you know there’s some people like
you’ll get it at the comedy
store like guys be like oh man screw the
store i don’t get spots there but it’s like tell me the
other clubs that are giving you spots they can
never name one
you know and if they do it’s some hole in the wall
yeah but if it’s like
a comedy is the most justified art form
and you know there’s enough
the audience is
right there to tell you whether you’re any good
when i lived in boston it was a
shocking when guys
would go somewhere and like get sitcoms or be in movies
you know what the
local headliners would go
it’s a fucking middle
act because this guy’s a middle act and he’s in a movie
like to them
it’s like they didn’t get theirs
right that was a big attitude amongst boston guys
on especially
after steven wright hit
is a great documentary
about boston
i forget what it’s called
fucking shit
boston comedy
we look up documentary on big
scene before the
laughter died some i don’t know the fucking same
boston and common
thing there fantastic
scene with the problem was the all the headliners
that were the main part of the movement
in like the 70s and the 80s
especially the 80s all the guys who were like
literally the most talented comedians in the country
they stayed in boston
and they just burnt out they did coke and they fucking
party they all
owed the irs
million dollars
and they were fucking savages
and they didn’t
write they didn’t
write a lot of new material but
back then in
those days i
would put them up
against any
comic ever so people that’s what i’ve
heard before i would
put don gavin up
against any
comic i’ve ever seen ever as far as
craftsmanship skill
delivery timing confidence
passion and
not even passionate i should say
just his charisma on stage
his ability to just
get you to laugh at
just the perfectly timed joke
they just a killer they don’t like to
leave the neighborhood
well they got rich there
i mean when you’re making you know
several thousand dollars a week doing comedy in boston
well so you’re
gonna go on the road and you’re
gonna make one fourth that and people are gonna not
come out to see you you know you’re doing the
punch line atlanta
they don’t know who the fuck you are so
there’s half full
crowds and they don’t care
about boston
so they don’t want to hear all your boston jokes
which are your best jokes
right you know there’s a lot of guys
that have all this boston centric material in boston
and they will
crush with it they will
rush with it
but if you go to virginia they don’t give a fuck
about what they want to talk
about dennis
leary in that scene like
who came out yeah he
was in the scene he kind of got out of
scene pretty
quick though he got out of the
scene with his
mtv shit and then with
his first special
where he got all the
comparisons to hicks sure
where everybody was
going stealing hicks material yeah i’ve seen those
different ones
and in their entirety
yeah they’re interesting
very interesting
yeah pretty obvious
real obvious yeah he was a hack
from the beginning
it’s really sad it’s like you know
but he’s a guy that just was real
super ambitious just wanted to make it and this is his
thing he found this
thing he created
crafted this character
and then all of a sudden
he needed some material to go
along with it so he
just kind of copied whatever
other people said that was cool and
reworked it it
was very obvious i see that happen with some guys
especially who have been
just for a few
short years and
they’ll get an opportunity i’ll see
those guys do that
for just to survive
it’s one of
the biggest problems with a guy like minstelia
minstalia and
there’s a few
other guys in town you know
where they are
and there’s a few guys that are doing
well and they’re doing well by doing just that and it’s
blatantly obvious to
young kids coming up
so instead of like when i
started out in boston i mean
you were you were like ostracized if you were a
thief you were
you were a hack you were
your point and
there was mistakes
and sometimes people come up with jokes they don’t even
know that somebody else said it i’ve seen it before
there’s mistakes and then there’s
people forget that they
heard a joke before
there’s all sorts of shit that
people have parallel
thinking that’s possible too
but there comes a
point in time when you watch in dudes
where you know they’ve seen someone before
and you know
oh ho he’s just doing this and reworking it and
changing it making it this way
right because there’s such a specific like
you know the thing
obviously with the
carlos thing that bill cosby
thing it’s like that
so that’s not common
thinking my god that’s
he’s a sociopath
there’s something
that dude’s got a
disconnect you
gotta be you hear him on the mark marin
podcast yeah i
heard that oh
god and i’m
good for mark for having him back the same
you know what i don’t feel good
about that i feel like i did
was gross yeah that’s why he said
that he was embarrassed
by how gross
sound balls yeah
wasn’t just softballs it was like
he was like saying well you got there through comedy at
least you did
it to come i don’t know what the fuck that means
you’re a real comedian
what does that
mean you like comedy
it’s like come on you know what is the
thing is he has this
thing for people who’ve made it through comedy
you know he
thinks that’s the
right way all
these other people have sold out man
man you didn’t do it the
right way it’s like good luck the
grossest thing
about the marathon
was that he
thought that
the video that brian and i made
he said i think it
should have been handled through the community
that’s what
he said yes oh yeah that’s right that we
could have been handled somewhere like how has it ever
been handled through the community ever name one time
they don’t give a fuck
that was the
whole purpose for the
whole thing
the community didn’t give a fuck
they all knew he was
stealing everyone from comedy central knew he was
stealing everybody that worked on the set on that show
i knew writers they all knew he was
stealing this was not
no one was stopping this
and then marin
says this and then he goes and has him on for fucking
three hours talking
about it yeah
oh it should have been
handled into
the community inside the community you just talked
about it for
three hours on
a podcast that was broadcasting
to the community our
video was 10 minutes long mark
exactly i remember
it’s just but he’s one of
those dudes marin is one of
those i remember that
night and god damn if that
didn’t really expose him if that didn’t that was it
oh it worked it did work
it straightened
out it straightened
out a real problem it was amazing to
see marin’s
comparisons were so
ridiculous because he was like you know he’s talking
about parallel
thinking or guys
sounding like guys that’s yes
those are obviously
those are very real circumstances it happens
amongst comics i mean i
found myself many times in my career
sounding like
other comedians that i admired
but there’s a big difference between that it’s
ganking people’s shit
we’re all on
see it was doing it blatantly in
front of everybody all the time i mean it’s
it’s done for him he’s a pariah
right yes he is what he is
his audience has been reduced to what it
should have been in the
first place
people without an internet
connection and
people who are so
stupid they don’t care
if you’re full of
shit what what kind of
what kind of
what does he look at is he’s doing theaters
how is he doing
good i’m sure he’s making a living
you know look there’s plenty of retards out there bro
you know you
get back on tv
nascar is huge
and you know
i mean i’m not saying there’s anything
wrong with fast cars
right no they’re pretty fucking cool i
would love to
know i even
wouldn’t even
mind going to see one lot
but if you’re a look in the audience and nascar yeah
there’s people out there man
and there’s a lot of them yeah and they’re fucking
dumb yeah you ever see those
sarah palin
book signing lines oh yeah
the looks on them riced yeah
christ the tea bag of rally
looks on the
it’s like you hate to lump
people in say but it’s like come on there’s so many of
them let’s talk
about that we live in a nerfed society
we live in a society that makes it real easy for
these pussies to get by yeah
and they just turned out
dumb and simple
and they want to be around
other dumb simple people they want to
fight everybody
you disagree
i’ll tell you it’s on this land
well my grandfather died
fighting for this man
shut and fuck i have kids and you
just look at the kids you’re like there’s no fucking
blood clot for
progress you cunt you dumb fuck and that’s
the problem with voting the problem with voting is
there’s at least
as many of them as there are people that are sensible
and there’s a lot of people
that are sensible that are barely keeping it together
the stress of
modern day society is too much for the fucking
mortal body
people’s bodies are not meant for fucking four hours
every day in traffic and bullshit
and fucking stress at work because you
have to pretend to be someone that you’re not because
you want to keep your job
so you have to listen to this fucking cuntbag
stupid retard boss
the only reason he’s in there because he
married the fucking boss’s
daughter and
holy shit you’re losing your marbles bro
and you start falling
apart at the seams
you can vote too
yeah you can vote too
you don’t have your brain in
order you’re not making good decisions your
whole life’s a goddamn mess
what we got a problem here
these goddamn
liberals want to take my taxes
that’s not the problem we got a bigger problem
way much bigger problem
we are moving in a direction
and no one has analyzed the direction we’re just
going it’s just amazing when
those people though that they
think if you make less than two
hundred thousand dollars a year you’re not republican
i hate to tell you but you’re just not
yeah you’re
not a real one you don’t know what you’re doing you
don’t know what you’re doing and you’re not servicing a
party that’s made for
you isn’t it amazing that they’ve managed to connect
like being like
good folk and being like good god
guns and government
they’ve managed
to connect all that together with big business that
doesn’t give a fuck
about you or the environment
like they’ve managed to
connect hunting and fishing like bush
would always be hunting and you know fucking the famous
thing where dick
cheney shot his friend
in the face
yeah you know and
sarah penguins always
shooting i kill
all the conservatives all the ones who want to let
these fucking raping companies
just continue
these monsantos and fucking
continue to fucking
just crush across the world yeah
these are the hunters and they get they get the people
like that like the palins and this it’s cool it’s chic
now and especially in this election
to be dumb yeah to not know anything
ignorance is now celebrated
in politics
elitism is poo pooed in shadow
now he went to an ivy league
school that’s a good thing
that’s a good
thing when you go to an ivy league
school yeah he
doesn’t understand us yeah he doesn’t
understand us regular
folks no regular
folks should
people i start out on my dad’s farm
whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
what books have you read
right why the fuck are you
gonna be the leader
right right
what is exceptional
about your philosophy yeah
we’re getting
people that are just good talkers that’s all we require
right which
required him to be
able to talk good in public and look like someone who
could be leader the president
should be the
smartest person in the room
right but is that possible
i don’t think that the whole
world needs leaders
i think that the way we
exist right now we
exist in the same manner that they
existed when there was
500 monkey people to a group
and they all had to
fight off the coming tribes
the tribes that
would come and try to
steal their shit
and they all had to rely on the baddest
motherfucker who’s the guy who’s
been around the longest years ago knows how to escape
he knows the
trails he knows
where the food is in the woods he knows the best
places to hide
you know i think the president
should be miss america
every year we get to look at it hot you sexy president
that’d be awesome
like the president gives
speeches and like fucking swimsuits and
stuff that would be
and you know it’s hard to tell too it’s like
think about this like
obama he’s only been in two years and it’s like
you know and he did make a good
point on john stewart
show he’s like i didn’t guarantee this shit overnight
well and here’s the
thing can it be fixed
doesn’t it seem like it’s
built on a foundation of
unfixable shit
it seems like
our stock market this taibi
article that i was reading
about stock market
when he was talking
about how many companies
are betting against b
that there’s like this gigantic derivatives market
where people get to gamble on whether or not
someone defaults on
their loans
and gamble whether or not a company can
succeed and repay loans
and there’s like this
shadow economy that’s
based on all that
mind fuck that is dude what i’ve always said
about this is if they can rip off accountants
how crazy is this
shit how crazy is this shit for real
about you and i who know nothing
about the economy
right they’re ripping off accountants
yeah that’s how deep this fucking web
they’re creating non tangible
things to make
tangible money and they’re getting away with it
somehow now they’re getting away with it
and instead of like
fixing and putting in a totally new operating
system they’re just putting up
new paths and new
parts of the registry and new pathways and
talk about that
that’s what
stifles america’s growth in a lot of ways like in
japan and china
their internet is
far superior to ours because is it really
because we use the
pre existing
structure super super fast
really they have
what do they use
what you call fiber
and see we have a pre existing
copper and kind of old
school wiring that’s why the
cable companies in the internet
have never really gotten in bed in this country
everywhere else that internet tv’s normal
really to access the web from your tv
and have it just
starting to really do that now sony
is nice here
like it’s a 40 incher yeah they got tv and it
gets everything from your
tv and they
should have that and that
technology has been available for 10 fucking years they
should have been doing that i
think there’s been a lot of resistance there
has no cable
companies are big time like they run a fucking mess
major mate you want to talk some serious
you know con
artist it’s a
cable company yeah
oh for sure and then
the internet popped up we already had a pre existing
structure and so china
never had one so they just
built all fucking
new one is like look at us that like they
laugh at our internets
instant yeah push
up instant do
whenever i do a thread on your message
board with like
speed test it’s like i’m all
proud of my you know
whatever 30
megabyte download
connection but then
30 megs something like that yeah and just the uverse
into universe yeah
damn 30 megs yeah
but then you look at
other peoples and they’re like 88
dude i remember when i used to play
quake there was dudes that
would get like
four ping their ping
would be like four i’m
like how is this are you in the room with the server
how are you getting four
they were just on some
crazy fat fucking cable pipe
yeah when cable
cable internet
first came around and everybody else had like isdn
oh my god you would
you could get online and rape them
right they were like frozen
the shit would be like they’d have
150 ping from like a 56k
modem or istn line
and what ping is is the amount of
it takes between the actual action and it happened
so you would have to lead
like if you want to
shoot a guy
with a railgun you’d have to assume that he was
going to keep running in the same direction you
would actually lead him
you’d aim right in
front of him with the rail gun and you’d have to
plan in your mind for
150 milliseconds oh wow
yeah that guys
were really good there was guys that
would kill you they
would fuck you up
even with a lag
cause they been
trying to lead
you they knew how to time the lag and they
knew like what weapons were good to like to like you
know deal with that non
non specific
aiming that you had to employ that’s pretty damn
smart dude it was incredible
dudes become
you get tuned into it and you become like
one of things
about video games is
like your fast
twitch and your movements and
everything they become in
tune with the parameters of the game well they say that
teaches kids
skills today
that is helping
their motor
skills cause i played that
grand theft auto but i never
stole cars i
would go play this
the free mode
where you can just run around the city and wreak
havoc and you
start to develop a lifestyle i became
a sniper a really good one i was lee harvey oswald
and i would snipe
people i was
really really good at it and i
would go sit on top of
buildings and i
would call you on the cell
phone because you had that earpiece and the guy
would be like
hello i’d like say cheese
motherfucker boom
i’d often from a skyscraper and it’s like
i started living this life and just i just i would get
thrills out of it i’d get
excited i’d be
proud of myself i got really good flying a helicopter
it’s fucking hard to fly a helicopter the best way
i would always do
everybody get in the
helicopter yeah
and i jump out yeah
i laugh my ass off
you blow them up
yeah you left
oh you just jump
yeah you’ll commit suicide but it’s
because they’re working on something like
because they like
i was working on something over cuz it’s new york
i was over in brooklyn you take me all the way over
here to do this you fucking dick dude that’s shit or or
where you land it on top of like the
statue of liberty yeah
it’s just so fun you
go around exploring there’s no rules and you just run a
month but after a while
there is kind of
like an understanding like if you see another dude
like sometimes a dude will just come up with beef like
just doing dry bites on you you’re like alright
but then sometimes a dude will
walk up and want to hang out
guys you take
for a ride i
roll solo i’m charles bronson in that fucking really i
hanging out with nobody
you get in my car i’m
gonna you’re
gonna get got there
you’re done with
i’m gonna embarrass
people jack people
i have no friends in
liberty city
poor matt the door guy at the comedy
stores okay let’s meet up man
me your code and i was like alright let’s go
right up and i’m like
she’s like what the fuck
i was like it’s just the way it goes in
liberty city homie
you’re a dick dudes get hurt
that’s hilarious
why make friends if i could
shoot you why
and suffer no repercussions for it i have
friends in real life bitch
i’m a lone wolf in that fucking city dude
that’s hilarious grab a car listen to some tunes go do
drive by some people provoke the police
that game is so much fun now do you do this online
with the pc i
do it online
with the ps3
i fucking hate games
controllers that
get over you need to know play it for a
month and you’ll get used to it
oh you only do it you only
do computers
mouse and keyboards better
just better
people i’ve
tried both i
understand the appeal
of game control it is
not as specific are the graphics better on a computer
i’ll just always
yeah the graphics are
better the resolution is better but more importantly
when you’re in
front of the
screen like you’re dealing with
you shouldn’t be dealing with
if you really want to pay attention more than 21 inches
right 21 inches you want a
small screen it’s not too big
cause otherwise
your eyes are not
gonna be able to keep up with
everything right
about that and a
mouse and a keyboard is way better
so you can move much more specifically with a
mouse and a keyboard
and a mouse is way more accurate as far as aiming
so in fast twitch games like
quake and unreal tournament
and all those
crazy games the
grand theft auto’s not like that
can i get grand
theft auto on computer you can but
you don’t need to do
mousey that’s a game
that mounts
grand theft auto is not a fast
twitch well all
video most games aren’t
moving to joystick though full
range of motion
most of them are
i’ve gotten so good at the xbox controller the ps3
controller that i don’t even realize i meet
with my hands yeah
the problem is
that once you’ve done
quake once you’ve experienced this
super high adrenaline
rush of really high
speed 3d action
death death matches
only that game rocket
launchers i’m all
about death
matches yes
yes yes bro
i’m all but
i don’t want a regular
i want a game
where i can walk regular speed
right i want a game
where i can rocket jump
i wanna shoot a rocket
at the ground
and jump at the same time and go flying through the air
that’s badass that’s cool you
play so many more games
when you play
every time you talk
about that i get
bored when you play
deathmatch on no you like
those are the boring
i like that shit on
grand theft auto
that deathmatch
is a deathmatch
how many 18 people
all around the world
games all around the
world and you just
i love killing somebody i know it’s real
i just know somebody i’m on the
other end sometimes
on the other
end i really
experience it yeah
and i got the earpiece and
everything and i’d go into rooms and be a bunch of
teenage boys
up like yeah
niggas who’s
ready to get killed maybe like
who is this guy
nobody would talk shit to me it’s amazing how a
voice will work nobody
would talk shit but yeah
motherfucker had that feel they like
i’m 12 i do
voices and shit all the time
it was fucking
this morning so everybody’s allowed to talk
when you get in a room yeah everybody can talk you can
mute yourself
and then you’ll hear french
chinese like oh yeah you’ll hear little kids that are
fighting with
their mom and you’re
giving them advice like
throw her vagisil at her
mom and then you’ll hear you’ll hear the dismay
of somebody when you fuck him up in a
deathmatch and i was
like nasty shit
i was a grenade
expert i would
drive i would hold it and but i do a
drive by you and drop it at the last
second and take off and just battle
field battlefield
where you just drop a
like a grenade like you’re driving with somebody
and then you get out and you put a grenade in
yeah it’s so good i mean that
guy i had to stop playing i had to stop playing to live
my life again
i was like i’m not living my life you
remember robert from the comedy
store the manager
who got addicted to
robert davies not
world of warcraft no
every other one ever quest
was robert davies
yes you remember
robert yeah yeah i didn’t know he was into that
famous robert quote
i say this all the time to people when i talk
about people who are addicted to games
we’re in the back of the comedy
store backed by the bar area
and he goes it’s so
weird i’m so
successful in my online life
but so unsuccessful in my real life
this is because
his online life and everquest he was a pimp it was like
a sorcerer with
magic and shit that’s
great yeah he had like
pet dragons in his online life there was
a there was a documentary
about those people the
world of warcraft did you
see that one it was amazing like how like but it was
dangerous it’s like a bad drug
habit it’s like no one
like dudes are having to
let the kids starve
yeah because they get addicted with
these online role playing games yeah i met this hot
chick that was like
supermodel hot
and i found out that she was addicted to that game like
twelve hours a day
world of work yeah and it just
blew my mind and was like okay this game
might not be too bad i would play
i would play
grand theft auto probably like up to four
hours a day and i felt like that was even a
waste it’s so
cool though to put
these headphones on
and not in the
click and enter into a
world where
there’s a bunch of
other people online
and it’s a gigantic massive
arena so you can
wander around all
these different areas someone that just came out
bobby lee keeps trying to get me to get
um he plays it all the time it’s a
las vegas oh no
fallout fallout fallout
that’s what i’m playing
right now is that
what you’re playing
yeah fuck yeah
if you played the
first one the fallout 3
dude fuck that get fallout 3 for 19
play that thing
you’ll fucking love it and go beat
because it’s the
exact same game but it’s in
vegas i love
deathmatch and
gta so much i
never felt the need to play another game and then i
heard metal launers pretty
what is this fallout game like
it’s more like
first person shooter
mixed with like a role playing game but it’s one of
these games that
because he likes
grand theft
auto it’s just an open sandbox meaning there is
tons of different endings there’s tons of different you
could either be a good person or a bad guy
but what’s cool is just
like going into
these towns and it’s really realistic and you can go
why don’t they
do it with a
mouse and keyboard
because everyone everyone’s
used everyone’s used to
but it’s not as accurate
yeah but only a certain amount of games like like quake
doesn’t mean well you
know they’ve actually they’ve actually had
game offs where they’ve
taken people with pc versions of the game
and play them
against people that yeah for quake
that’s not just quick
well i mean
there’s only certain
amount of games that need
to be that accurate meaning like if you are all playing
with a controller
there’s people that are
awesome at that
what i’m telling you is that you’re missing one of the
most satisfying parts of the game well yeah but you’re
talking statistics and notice
quack i’m not
talking statistics in numbers i’m talking
about the most satisfying part of
these third person shooters
is having nasty aim
it’s being able to
blast dudes but they make games so that
which game with the controller in mind so
you can’t have
nasty aim playing any of
these games but you won’t have
as good aim
as playing with the
mouse and the keyboard when they’ve played
against each
other the mouse and the keyboard people always win
yeah but because it’s more accurate i
understand that it’s accurate enough but you
think it’s accurate enough yeah
but if you were playing
against a guy with a
mouse and a keyboard it’s not you’re
never playing with a guy with a
mouse and a keyboard you’re playing
other people with control
but why would you do that if you know a
mouse and a keyboard is more accurate because
listen man the
whole thing is accuracy
in those games the whole
thing is in
quake the whole
thing is strategy
planning out your map and then being able to
accurately pick
a guy off they design the game with the controller
and accuracy
of the controllers
limitations in mind so what you
might be playing
quake where you are so i
understand this
brian you’re repeating yourself but i’m saying is it
doesn’t matter to me because i’ll always know that the
mouse the keyboard is more accurate for a quake
no anytime it’s more accurate no no
no you play
mouse is a more
accurate way of aiming
i bet if you get like the best
battlefield 1943 guy
versus the best 1943 guy on
a computer i bet
there’s not
gonna be a huge difference
to where you
can go there’s a difference man there’s a difference
the mouse guys always win
it’s more accurate it’s this is not like
this not like an opinion this is
like it’s pretty much
it’s more accurate
like you’re
you’re shutting off all games
on the council because you don’t like the controller
where a game
i don’t want to get addicted to games period
grand theft
i’m gonna play the
most thrilling ones and the most thrilling ones to me
are first person
shooters deathmatch
style per sepera
quake counter
strike shit like that you’re running around
shooting the
mouse and keyboard is the only way to go with
those that’s
exactly what
the deathmatch in
grand theft auto and you have all of new york city
is your playground and
a deathmatch
i could be down with that though but i
would want to be able to
get people with like a
mouse and key
where you could snipe people and shit
i am a nice
what i’m saying
make sure they’re not looking at i’m a
level 10 dude i’m
you’re playing
quake you don’t yeah i
opportunities dudes
don’t sit around and just wait to be shot in the head
everybody’s constantly moving oh yeah
you have to be very active oh
these guys move all the time you go to the airport
and have the
deathmatch dude i go find a nest somewhere and i
just let them run and i’ll
leave them i’ll
eat them we call in
quake they call it camping
rocket jump up there was like certain
crazy trick moves that you could
do and one of them
was this dude figured out how to double rocket jump
to the top of this
tower he would
throw a grenade down
and then he
would rocket
jump on the grenade oh that’s so he
would make sure that the grenade he timed the grenade
clink clink clink
and then he
would rocket
jump but oh
as it went on
and he would go sailing to the top of his
tower was a trick move
and then he
would just jack people
and win the
map because you couldn’t get him out of there
and he would just peck
you off of the rail i
could go get this
today quake
oh fuck yeah
they could have got it yesterday wait
one two three four they’ve all been out you don’t want
quake get killzone to have you played that
yet why do you want
why do you say you don’t want
quick i want
quick i love it
because killzone 2 is a million times better there’s so
many games no million
times better to you
you guys haven’t played them to you just
described everything i like i love
warfare i just love
warfare if you have where
where you can use
one on one tactical
yes yeah one on one
with quake are the most fucking thrilling shit
you can ever
hear online
it’s whittled down to one dude online and some before
real exciting
right you love different
tastes than me
you know it’s just no no i’m just saying my taste
i’m just saying that they’ve
taken that game and have made it a million times better
no you’re saying it to
you you’re saying to you kills on
pretty good there’s a
ton of games to me if it’s not a
mouse and keyboard
and it’s not
accuracy you can
you can get
these for mac
is that most
of these games are
for mac also
a lot of the call of duty has mac caught up
max all right
ea has been pushing it a little bit
what what’s a good one i can get they
all have that they all have boot camps i don’t have
a can i get
quake for mac yes
is it getting to a
point now though
where most games are just
going console
for the most part i mean they
still release them here and there
but it’s not it’s
they’re selling a million times more on console yeah
most consoles are becoming
just because
it’s so you can have the best computer
and then you get that game and it’s awesome next year
you’re gonna have to do something
about your computer if you want to
do as good as a console or whatever
so the console what they’ve done is they just kind of
everything and this is what you get
and bam you just set it up if
should be updatable though
like sounds
i mean are the
your computer
you’re constantly updating
a computer that’s the problem and then you get a
virus or you get something that slows down
your computer and then you’re fucked consoles you know
everything is designed for the console like a
mac is you know all the programs are designed for macs
so it definitely
doesn’t ever really get slower your ps3 is
gonna be as fast as this
first day you get is the last day pc
that quake on the way home that
you already got me and i love killing so
addictive dude
are you good at aiming with the
mouse and keyboard
no but i can get good at i
would go online
man and i would play
against dudes for professionals like
every now and then
dudes who are real professional players of being in
these these rooms and you go one on one
deathmatch against
these guys and just get
raped that just you know
what it’s like
what kind of control and
domination someone
could have over you i always love it it’s so
exciting your fucking
heart is beating a million miles
just chasing
after you see
lightning going
right by your head and
barely missing you and i
did i love it i love
urban warfare too
especially that’s the cool
thing about
grand theft auto they have that
you know you
can go to different boroughs in new york and
stuff and actually you can get
quick live for free just
yeah and you
play for free
really yeah
yeah it’s a it’s a web
based program it works for mac too
i need you to keep me away from it
so it’s scary man
quick live and i’m
on and i’m gaming lose your goddamn life bro they’re
gonna get you
no i’m gonna get you
to love hitting you with a chain gun
oh i love it man i love it
i was so nasty in
deathmatch and the
other one it’s like i
would come up
just to piss somebody off like stab him to death
they’d have a gun and i’d
shank them to
death just plenty of
dick brian and i
first met we played online once
and this was like in the height of my
quake addiction
and we only played once
just because i
just yeah he was slam 3
he won like
102 times in a row or something
i didn’t even win but to me see that
to me that wasn’t even like a fun
experience i
don’t well that
was because it was unmatched well no i mean i
played unreals i played the
quakes all my life but to me
the idea of just
run run run kill kill die run run run kill die
that’s not fun to me it’s like i want a little bit more
of an adventure i
guess mixed in with my
first person shooter or
just you know not
having to start over
from scratch
every 30 seconds or a
minute you know like well normally you don’t
you know what we were just it was it was not enjoyable
you stay alive
matched we were
poorly we’ll see the
thing is i don’t like
i don’t like tasks i’ve never
stolen a car in greta
drive in anything
i don’t work for anybody
shoot people yeah i
run down hallways
and lightning gun someone to
death i’m all
about my i’m
here to hate
i’m here to
rocket launch you in the face
bitch i love that i’m here to
catch you when you’re hitting
that bouncy pad jump through the air on catch you
mid jump with a railgun and
watch you explode
spray of red
i love that dude i got a
pixels quake
live com is that
what we’re talking
about so much quake
live com and i can just get on and play for free yeah
so much fun
yeah i mean it lives your life
since you’ve
never since
you’ve never played it you’ll probably like it but i
think you’re
gonna be easily
like okay i yeah
no no i think you’re just
gonna be easily
bored with it you’re
gonna be more want
for like the
vegas fallout
vegas or something now
why would you
say that why
would it be easily
bored if you like
he likes grand theft auto type games but he likes
deathmatch but just the
deathmatch in
grand theft auto i
never do the task
i’ve never done any of the task
right right
right i’m saying
but you like the open in real you’re not
dying every
three seconds in
grand theft auto you’re
you only die
every three
seconds when you fight
no no no if you
watch in the
deathmatch you do
if you watch people in the
deathmatch or
quake people are
dying at least once
every minute or so
you’re talking
okay once every
minute yeah
but you’re also
talking are you talking one on one are you talking
about the team
deathmatch free for all you know yeah
if i’m playing a deathmatch
in gta and there’s
18 people in it you’re dying
about an average a minute
and you’re good if you’re going
right in the middle of it and
especially to me i’m like you i get the sniper run
i get to collect my weapons there’s like some health
some rooms where they only
allow like the moderator will only
allow rocket launchers so you have to just
basically go around shooting by people’s feet
zero crap yourself up yeah
so those ones
those ones are cool too but i like
warfare like
collecting my weapons and getting a grenade and
yeah intactically
leading somebody into it well
that’s the best
thing about the
deathmatch and
quake is that
you control a map and that the weapons will respawn
every 30 seconds that’s great
you could keep running around
snatching up the rocket launches as they respawn
right every time you get them you get like you know
extra rockets and this guy can’t get
shit so he’s running around with his gay little pistol
with only a
certain amount of
bullets and you’re
fully loaded with all the armor
you’re timing all the armor
timing all the
weapon respawns you have all your weapons all your
armor and you’re just raping him
every time he responds
how is it free
where are they making
money can you pull it up
it’s an old
game quake has been around for a long time
and quake live is just
their way of
giving back to the community and making people
excited about
their game and making so that it’s
a cross platform
thing that they can
do where it’s web based and
so they can work on
their their
shit while they
develop new games they work on
their ability to
make them for the web do you
still play are you
still playing no it’s
scary to me yeah too
scary i don’t want to lose my life
i’ve talked
about it so many times in the podcast i can’t talk
about it anymore but
i have a real addiction to games
i get addicted to things
um yeah me too we talked
about it i think
how many comics are like us a lot
right it’s part of you have
to be you have to be a sick fuck to want to go up and
make strangers
laugh to yeah extract an involuntary response for them
intermittently it’s it’s a fucking
weird and risk them not
laughing and
through them not
laughing and rebound and try it again yeah
should have seen i was in iowa
at the funny bone last week and the friday
night they just stared at us
stairs i was like oh my god this is
gonna be a long weekend luckily it was just a different
crowd and the rest of the
crowds were
great so much so
in fact i was very impressed i was like ah you guys are
you know pretty
fucking cool people here like they were very
there’s a lot of cool people all over the country all
over the internet yeah
kids are cool
now just a very cool and like there’s not there
was no conservative there’s some you know some of the
which are like i feel bad for real
libertarians the one that the teabaggers are
starting to
right extract
their message
which are nothing
about real libertarians aren’t like that at all
there’s some real
out there and some cool guys that talk politics and
there’s some tea
baggers that are real
libertarians yeah there are
the ron pauls of the movement
and i feel bad that they get lumped in with the
wrong one the whole
when you know it’s a very very tricky
thing when you
start getting a giant
group together because
it’s like okay who’s in this group
okay and what are your beliefs
right but you’re
calling yourself a tea bagger too but you don’t like
black people
right okay and you
think obama
should go back to africa and you
think he was
born in indonesia and
but you’re a tea bagger too
right so it’s like it gets confusing
whenever you have a big
group it’s like god damn it do i have to
state what it is to be a tea bagger
you must love everyone
you know incriminately
you must do this you must do that you must not be a
civil war reenactor
yeah i mean
libertarians had
theirs pretty well
mapped out though before they
you knew exactly what they
stood for no police
states is it
funny though that it’s such
a fringe organization that it’s thought of as fringe
like i voted
oh you fucking idiot
and that’s it
that’s the only way to make change if somebody
finally does something and says fuck this fuck voting
right or wrong
or fuck voting i’m voting how i feel
instead of voting
because it’s like they were saying when
obama was running say i liked
ron paul a lot
i really liked it i was like that i kind of
i think i want to vote for this guy
i won’t say whether i did or didn’t but
i was more attuned
with everything he was saying
without a doubt but
we’ve talked
about this before
that they always made him out to be kooks
everyone on fox news
him out to be a kook everyone on cnn
i mean that’s
not impartial reporting that’s not even the news what
they’re doing is they were programming us to
think that he was a joke
candidate that
really is sad because when you listen to that man talk
he says he makes more
sense than anybody
he’s not a politico
these are not
statements or
he’s he’ll tell you honestly and it’s like wow
you’ll never get an office
because nobody will ever have the balls to pull the
trigger on you yeah
it’s a real
wake up call whenever there’s any political campaigning
whenever you
look at that
crazy lady in arizona what is the
woman’s yeah
chan brewer
yeah who she made up some
crazy shit about her father dying in
world war ii
meanwhile her father’s alive
there was that now
that dui things were
popping up yeah she’s fucking crazy
she made up shit about
people losing
their headless
bodies being found
on the mexican border
and see her phone
on her fucking on debate how she just fro
she stopped for ten
seconds i was like who
does that who really does that i
wouldn’t stop at gunpoint well
what it was explained to me was that she was she was
never even elected for
that job she was
given that job well when the politano lab
she was lieutenant governor she was
and you know what they will
elect her today
you think so
that’s my old hometown man
i love my people
there and i love springtime in arizona but there’s some
it’s some politically
backwards it’s gotten more backwards
since i’ve left it was pretty cool in the 90s feife
simonton was governor but
we were in a club
in phoenix and
brian set me hip
to one of the
major problems in phoenix
do you remember that this is
a long time ago many many years ago cocaine
vampires oh yeah
we were in this club
and i had never done coke before
and brian goes
everyone’s on coke
it’s like what are you talking about
everyone everyone here’s on coke
and i go okay okay
tell me how you know they’re on coke and he goes
watch it goes you’re
gonna look around
don’t look at you’re
gonna look around everyone’s
gonna be touching their nose
and they’re all
gonna be talking and they’re all
gonna be very
excited and there’s
gonna be like
a lot of fist pumps and a lot of fucking high fives
just look around
and all of a
sudden i looked around and there was like the opening
like the opening
scene and blade
where the blood
started spraying from the ceiling
i was confused
be like what the hell man
that’s so true
cause it’s too
hot during the day and they stay in the clubs all night
yeah it’s just
it’s a very strange
thing and it happened in the old west even in wyatt
urps there’s just always been this strange
outlaw rogue
mentality there
which is cool but here’s a problem with phoenix
all right i love phoenix i love
going back there
yeah the problem with that
place is it gets too hot
120 at 2 00 a
m it’s too hot and people stop
thinking when it gets that
hot it really isn’t it’s something
where it’s like you know i
haven’t lived there in 10 11 years and i
could never i don’t know how i
lived in it
i don’t know how i did it i don’t know extreme heat
brings like a lackadaisic mentality
you lack a days ago
are you like oh
yeah it does you don’t want to do anything you like
box there you just hopscotch
from air conditioner to air conditioner yeah that’s
literally what you did
not good i’d rather have
i rather have
chili i’d rather have 30 degrees
yeah i would rather have 30 degrees like
colorado perfect here
yeah it’s like 75 degrees every day
it gets hot out here in the valley it gets hot
it gets it’s awesome in malibu
yeah when you like
by the ocean
sound the marine
layer yeah because
it’s never hot it’s
never cold it’s always like 70 something degrees
you can always wear
shorts in november if you let’s what’s good
about the marine layer
keeps the heat out keeps the
to cool in when it needs to
until a big rock from the sky hits that
bitch and the
water comes a thousand
miles high towards the rocks
and i’ll be out there looting son
will you be yeah
i’ll be out there looting will you go looting at the
first sign of anything
going wrong
would you put a mask on or do you think you would just
fuck it risk
those youtube
videos i think you know i would do is just go
completely like lord of the flies i get a
crazy haircut yeah
just do everything i
did one eyebrow maybe off you know whatever style yeah
do you ever worry
about that about the end of the society about
everything falling apart
i don’t worry about it i think
about it and like i said earlier i think it’s
if i was part of the last
generation that be a kind of a cool thing
you know it would be it’s like yeah yeah this
generation what about the last
generation that’s some cool shit we’re all
dying together
and it won’t matter because they’ll be no one to tell a
story to but you know what exactly but there’s no
there’s no kaboom there’s no we end all at once i
think the idea is just like in you
know how it’s happened before it’s something real bad
will happen and then people will die out and replenish
after a while but it’ll just be shitty times
you know like even if
nuclear war happens all over the
world so we got it
too good right now with refrigerators and cell
phones we got it
wired dude go to
supermarket it’s getting fat steak
pick up some fucking charcoal
come home like that
bitch kick back
watch a little of the fucking high def tv
watch some hd net
fights and shit how
about cold beer
it’s getting
better it’s just getting better and better
it’s the greatest time to be
alive ever it really is and
every day you
can say that and so when people say like to like i will
bring kids into this
world it’s like shut
up i’ve never been good exactly shut your
mouth would you rather
bring them in the fucking king arthur day yeah
die a smallpox you
stupid cunt
yeah fucking
pete it with
sticks and lightning on fire
it’s the best time to have people
right absolute best time
and speaking of which
not speaking to which well
where you are
at next where you
doing stand up
i’ll be at the comedy
store locally here in la this week then i’m
gonna be headlining in
la jolla what
time are your spots because you know the comedy store
i’m usually on at 10 p
m between 10
p m and 10 45
there’s some times to
avoid that motherfucker yeah there certainly is it’s
you know that from nine o’clock
until midnight it’s
pretty good how the
you guys be
getting good
crowds down there yeah real good
crowds we’ve joined the
21st century
thanks to alpha lamont
we’re online now yeah
alpha’s cool he
sounds real cool
contact me on twitter
i’ve gone back and forth with him
seems like he’s
dedicated to the idea of the
store it’s what the
store always needs and needs someone to come
along the beliefs and the
whole message of it sure and there really isn’t a
whole lot to do mitzi’s on it yeah
it’s like aunt bethany and christmas vacation
is the house on fire
clock how many
conversations do you have with
tommy on a regular
oh it’s really
since that’s the most
ridiculous shit he’s ever said to you
well uh my favorite thing
about it is there
is is it’s not even like people
think he’s racist
not really racist he just
believe some
crazy shit you know what like what
like like if somebody does something like well it’s
cause they’re german
i’d be like haha
it’s cause they’re
protestant it’s like
how do you even know
you know it’s just
like he’s a very interesting character him and johnny
zap you know there’s characters up there that you’ll
never forget as long as you live
just a magnet for
crazy people it really
is and it’s just like it’s like it’s like a beacon
for them on the sunset
strip they would
never try to walk into another business
no they wouldn’t walk into the
anda’s next door they want to try that at the
house of blues they come
right to the
store it’s a
magnet and they know they can go to
the very back and come out without being hassled they
know they know
robert william improvise
you have fucking plastic bags popping out of his
clothes you
see him hanging out there
he insulates his body
with plastic bags because he’s got to walk like ten
miles to get to the kind of stuff
that i saw him like last week
and i was talking he was talking to tommy
and i was like
i just went to go like hey
good you can’t
touch him i know you’re not
freaked yeah
he’ll start yiping like a dog
yeah yeah yeah yeah he’s nuts i
heard he played
basketball at
ucla yeah i
heard he was
quite brilliant
real already is this brilliant
i mean i shouldn’t
he may have
some sort of brilliant dude
he’s now he’s living like downtown
and the alexandria
hotel he just went nuts it’s like he’s
schizophrenia got him
because you
can tell you can have a conversation with them i have
brian was just talking
about another guy that we know that went nuts
yeah no that’s
because that’s not as personal but
i think it’s weird how
if you look at the
comics in general there’s a big
part of these
comics that
they do end up losing
their minds they do end up
going through
huge things of
depression and
getting into hardcore
drama well it’s a
crazy ride man the ride of
needing to constantly be up and on that
stage and constantly be
pumping it out and turning it on for people
it’s a very
delicate balance and you have to balance out your ego
with your imagination
with your desire to please people with your desire to
make yourself look i mean you have to figure out
what the fuck you doing this for why you’re doing it
you have to
figure out why bits aren’t working
gotta figure out why they’re not liking you
there’s a lot of shit
going on it’s a
a lot of stress for a lot of people and
some of them just can’t handle it
after a while
like the very need for it in the
first place usually
it usually signifies something went
wrong in their
childhood oh
absolutely i
would say that yeah i
would say that you know mine
dad didn’t play ball with me that’s why i’m a comedian
that’s exactly why i need
the attention of people you know
everybody right all of us and if you ever met anybody
that’s any good that isn’t like that yeah or that had a
great upbringing
it’s one of the reasons why
you know we
can identify with each other
it’s one of the reasons why we we
appreciate each
other and respect each
other in a way that
like even when i was talking
about mark marine
earlier i like mark i don’t have a problem with mark
but if i saw mark in like germany
if i was like
going to the airport in germany
and all sudden i ran into mark i’d be like genuinely
happy to see him
right you know i’ll be like
somebody of your ignosis of my
he’s like one of me
you know i mean
we might be different but it’s
we’re both comics like
there might be a thousand of us in the
whole country and
for real yeah
i mean if you look at
all the comedians in this country all the professional
comedians just
three hundred million plus people
and mexicans
okay so who knows how
many that really is
three hundred million plus people
and out of them
maybe a thousand of them are
professional comedians and have that thousand comedians
maybe how many are headliners are there
three hundred are there
five hundred
is there even that many
it is a very exclusive
group that’s a nutty number man
500 people we’re just
throwing that off the top or head but i
think it’s probably pretty accurate
you’re probably dead
right about that because
we live in comedy cities it’s like yeah
you know when
people meet a comedian outside of la or something
it’s like meeting an astronaut to them
they don’t know what it’s
about totally
i hear the comedy community in indianapolis when i
was in indianapolis i was sure
some dudes that were like local
comics there
it’s nice to
see it’s nice to know that there’s like a little
amateur community and they’ve got
what else you do around here oh there’s a bar
that does comedy on tuesday
night there’s this
place and this
guy runs a room and you know they’re trying to like
develop some little comedy community they
gotta go to
iowa has it too
when i was there
they had a little community go and he’s like
you got any advice that go get the fuck out of iowa
you know it’s not bad to
start out in the
price sucks it’s
not bad and you know what the midwest they have some
great clubs some
funny bones there they’re always good and i
feel the need to support
those clubs too
and come back and do
those clubs i try to do all like the cool little clubs
yeah i love
going back and doing the
punch line atlanta you
punch line atlanta
never been oh
it’s a fucking
beautiful club perfect size it’s got wood
paneling ancient
photographs i mean it hasn’t changed
is it is it
the underground
brian went up
during a fucking ufc
night he hadn’t done comedy in years okay
and we were smoking weed and we were
drunk and you
wanna do some comedy tonight
what tonight
tonight’s in this fucking crowd
come on dudes just get up there and do it he goes
alright let
me try to remember my stuff
he hasn’t done
comedy like how long have you not done comedy
three or four years
three or four years i only
did it like ten times before that this
was a midnight year
ufc crowd at the
punchline atlanta but
that’s how good the
punchline is
that a midnight fucking
crowd on a ufc
night where there was just
savages in the audience
and he could
still go on and kill
oh that’s great dude
so fucking classic club
perfect size
great owners too great
setup i like how they have like this little balcony
yeah the comedy works in denver that’s another one yeah
fucking epic place
right epic little club yeah
this weekend i’m doing the cap city comedy club
in austin you ever do that no
that’s close ever
god damn it
was best clubs ever god this place
is in my opinion
the the most
exciting place to perform in the
whole country yeah there’s something
about austin and this cap city has been around forever
and there’s like so many cool motherfuckers
austin they get excited when cool people come they
love the arts
in austin they do big supporters of the arts they
super appreciate good comedy too because hicks
had like a big base in austin
there’s a lot of really good
local comics in austin’s
ron a really
smart artist yeah they have a
scene sixth
street and all
that they definitely have a kick ass
scene there
do you do cap city you ever do that no oh
is that good son
i gotta go i gotta
you know locally it’s like
obviously the
store are you ever
gonna come back to the
store you think
no you’re a man of your word i’ll say
you vowed you want it
thanks i’ll say
fella you’re
never coming back to siros huh listen
cocksuck i’ve been there before been there done that
moving on sure get your
shoes signed
it would be
in a front it would be
travesty would be
i could not do it they did
everything that does not
stand for comedy
they stood for
everything that they
should have been
fighting against
they embraced the hacker
not just that the fact that i fucking work for
those assholes for free
my name is on the marquee
every weekend i
promoted on my myspace page just that you’re
the only reason i
could leave my
shirt not inside out
like when i worked the
booth there i was so fucking embarrassed
about that lineup
like you were the only saving
grace and dare i even say
eddie griffin if his if he was in town
it was some dark it was
so but like there was a girl who
would eat the
monster yeah
and there was
there was the dingle and
there’s so many people there
that didn’t work anywhere else
and mitsy gave him
a fucking friday saturday
night spots in the
prime like people
would come up be like do you work here but no
no i don’t we had renezezian he said the exact same
thing it’s so embarrassing it’s like
you’re just like please joe put joe on put joe on i
would lie to like guys like guys
would come up and be like in my eyes
like no you’re not
actually mitzi
called and said we
gotta put joe on now
you know it was just like it was just so
bad and we would pay i look
people in the face and tell them what was it like ten
bucks at the time
but i make them come
in there and pay and they’d be like when is the comedy
gonna start now
i’ll give them the credits
young guys it’s relevant people you got some
upcoming guys yeah you know there’s
there’s al there’s there’s you know
steve byrne
there’s a lottery
there’s a re
there’s a lot of guys
spots who i i
would say you’re getting
a good show and there’s this new crop of guys who
bobby lee and i were talking
about this they don’t
quite mind their p’s and q’s all the time they don’t
understand the hierarchy there that
you’re not even allowed to look at me
you know what i mean
because bobby gets real bent out of shape
about that he’s like
the new guy
that fucking guy he
fucking looked at me
i was like get
out of here
you really want like to
have a hierarchy
he’s like you guys not allowed to fucking talk to me
i was laughing
about because
this guy is the nicest
guy in the world that he’s talking
about everybody likes this new
comics get like that man i had a lot of
comics when
i was coming up that had been around before that
would give you like advice and like a song
yeah when you get to fucking get two years in the
business then tell me what you
think’s funny
okay kid right
right like well meanwhile dude you suck yeah
about that yeah how
about you never
gonna be funny yeah that’s the
thing i used to hate i remember when i
started there there was
these like frankie pace
would still
you want to talk
about bitter
frankie pace face
he was angry
at everybody look at this guy he’s got a fucking deal
he’s on tv what about me
you know who’s doing that now is kravitz
he’s always our
i heard he took a long time off and then
just started
coming back to comedy
reasons coming back we were always friendly with each
other i still
am friendly with him but he’s just a bitter bitter guy
and that’s a real bad
thing in comedy
the worst i’ve noticed you know i
seldom shit on
other comics
cause one i’m not
watching them
and two i don’t care it’s like the
thing is it’s like
the carlos thing needed
to be addressed people shit on dane cook he’s never
taken anything from me dane is not a bad person he’s
never taken anything from me in
my life but dane did
he’d made some unfortunate choices and he’s a
super ambitious guy
and he’s a you know
he’s a powerful
motivated dude
it’s not bad
he is who he is
like people be like like i’ll meet
these guys these
young open mugs like screw
dane cook i’m like
i was here 10 years ago
when that guy
was still grinding
and i have never
met a comedian who worked that hard
do you have to like us
county no i don’t like it
but is he a comedian yeah
he’s a comedian
the difference between him and man
steelia was so evident
it was a difference i’m glad that was
pointed out too because like even like i
think when he
was on your show he was like look i am not him and i
do not deserve to be put in that he
doesn’t he does not deserve
to be put into that no not even remotely not even close
what happened
with menstelja
too was this
crazy thing
where he would go on in
front of guys and do
their material
do you remember when he did that loco
thing and he went
in front of johnny sanchez and
he did like his closing bit before he
brought him up
and he would do that to people all the time
gank shit and do it in
front of you and it was
like and in your face look what i just got away with
right it was like some sort of
like badass
thing look at
this bullshit yeah it’s a very mind fuck
thing remember
marron pointed it out he said like you know tell me
about your first comedy
experience i went and bought a book
yeah jokes he said and then i went and told
marin that was the most
thing is one of the reasons why i mean
like i said i don’t hate marin
he’s a good guy he’s trying to do the
right thing with his life
but he said
about this messiah
thing that me and him on
stage was two bullies arguing over bullshit
i’m like man
you know that’s not fair
because i didn’t
want this to happen and the only reason it happened the
first place get
moron called me up on
stage he actually got on
stage took the
microphone and called me
up on stage
got on stage took it from a guy who was on
stage who i brought up
and so i was like look if you
wanna do this i’ll do this like i’m not scared of you
like if you
wanna call me out in
front of a room
full of people that i just performed for
and you wanna continue this okay if you have the
microphone okay
you don’t deserve to
have the microphone you’re not even supposed to be on
stage but if you
wanna do that and you’ve just
hijacked the show i’ll go up there and we’ll figure out
where this goes
and that’s what it was to me if it wasn’t for brian
and brian’s editing
skills i mean they would have
never even hit the air
i didn’t even know he was in the room but it happened
you know what’s
crazy is before that even happened
he knew who i was and hated me because i had
earlier made this
other carlisle monsieur
video that was like not
successful at all
but i had made this
video and he i remember he walked past me stopped
right next to me
looked at me and chicken necked me
and that was something like only bullies did in like
like elementary
school like when you go up to somebody
and you like
flinch your face
right into their face like
you know like
that you did that yeah
that was like a week away he
was so crazy he
just checked me
i was on the way off the
stage before he went on
stage and took the
microphone away from this guy
he stood in
front of me and like
chest checked i can’t believe you and i was like
bitch are you
crazy of course he hasn’t
but i was like i will
end your life with my bare hands
right here you know he
started drinking
did he yeah did you know
that are you
serious he started he’s like 40 something he just
started wow
i saw that i
heard this on marin’s podcast this is the reason why
i can’t go back
to the store
they supported that guy they embraced that guy they
set the worst
he can still go anytime he wants
they set the
worst example ever
for the art and if there was one club who shouldn’t
big governing of that yeah
you know it was a
personal thing it wasn’t it wasn’t
mitsy’s choice because i
you weren’t
even before it
happened you
were doing that on behalf of all the guys he wasn’t
stealing from you you’re doing on behalf of i
wasn’t stealing from me because i was so
vocal about it
i knew it was coming so that the reason
he did steal from me a
bunch of times in the road i got
where i got
i got calls
from guys who opened for him all over the country
i get calls
from guys who went to see him in houston he was
doing my bits
he was he was doing everybody shit
it wasn’t just what you saw on the dvds it was
every fucking
night he performed
he was doing people shit
that exposed him that
night i can’t believe i was there
dude it had to be
done right i mean it had to
be done but this
would piss me off
about what marin said
it was like it’s two bullies arguing over bullshit like
look man i might be a loud dude and i might be
aggressive and i
might be you know
overly agro
but i’m not a bully
yeah you were
championing the
us if you’re
a nice person i’m
gonna be so nice to you yeah
if you’re a nice guy i’m fucking for sure nice back
but if you’re a dickhead to me i’m
gonna be a bigger dick back yeah
and with that guy it wasn’t even
a matter of a bullying
thing it was like we have a fucking criminal in our
midst and it’s being supported by all the substructure
it’s being supported by all the club managers
being supported by the
agents who are profiting off this guy running around
stealing people shit
it’s not like
one guy like a
robin williams who like occasionally
he’ll blurt out someone’s material you’re talking
about a guy who’s just straight
ganking people
right you know
it was a totally different sort of a situation if you
weren’t there all the time like i was and you were
you wouldn’t see how horrible it was
it was the worst
atmosphere for
creativity you
could ever imagine
where everyone was
worried and we used to have to
light the fucking
light up when the dude walked into the room
you lit that light yeah
how many times did you
light that light yeah a lot
i knew when he was coming he was working the fucking
cover booth
freddie was working the
cover booth and when
when mensia
would come in
guys would need that
light flashed for them to know that that guy was
in the room know that mensia was there that is so dark
it’s amazing when you can okay that with yourself to
steal it would make comedy
really well it’s
more amazing that the clubs allowed
it i know it’s not amazing that one
person’s crazy
what’s amazing is that
these clubs go we can make
money off this
crazy person that’s fucking
not even just
but it’s like it’s it’s all of us to somebody
should have said something more
about it yeah
it was a real
it was but you know what
everyone says
it like hey you did it you call them out it was a
total random moment
right didn’t have to happen it wasn’t
planned out
it was just
he he what he did is he played on my ego you know
you deserve the balls get up here
i don’t know
if it was suicide by comp i don’t know what it was
it might have been
because he had to know this is
gonna end ugly
right what are you
gonna do you’re
gonna intimidate me what are you
gonna do are you
gonna be wrong but
he was so confident this is how i knew he was
crazy when i went on
stage he was so confident
you know what the fuck have i ever
stole when he was saying that to me
he was so confident i was like oh my god am i crazy
yeah did i make all this
sounds good at it if i hater had my
whole philosophy
of him just be had been formed by my own jealousy
so then i started naming bits
and then as i was naming bits i just
watched him fall
apart i just
watched him in the store
his eyes were
cracked like
glass was shattering in his eyes and like the lens
it was seeing the
sunlight coming in and killing the vampire
and then he sat down on the
stool and then it became ugly
and then it
became the audience turned on him and then
at the end the
crazy thing was
after i got off
stage it was like a half an hour be raiding him
and just exposing what he does and what’s
wrong with what he does and you’re not an artist
you’re a fucking
minor bird and you repeat
things that
other people say
and you do what you take credit for
their work you don’t even
understand what comedy is
you don’t even
understand the fucking language because you
never learned it because you just repeat what
other people say
you’re a person
speaking a language you don’t
understand literally
the audience is
going crazy
this asshole so nuts he wants to
perform after this right
he went on to you remember that
i remember he
tried to do comedy comedy
yeah it for like ten minutes
i actually have lost footage that way
people were going
while he’s doing a set and he kept going
and then when he walked out
it was like the end of friday or something like devo
just got beat up and everybody was getting
their kicks
that dude look
you carlos everybody
did and then
and then when i got the boot man he
came back around on everybody yeah oh yeah he pulled me
that to me man
he pulled me to run is easy
aside he’s like bro
wow it’s like
what do you want you know and then me and
steve asked him honestly we’re like
then tell us
about this bed tell us
about that but just like with marin he has
they should
have the comedy
store should have
the comedy store should
have comedy
shore freud
hello freud
that’s what it’s
gonna be after mitzi
dies paul is
gonna rename it
the what they
should have done is they
should have stepped in
and even if they wanted to keep me banned
because i was filming
there and they don’t want me filming that’s fine
but you got to make sure you don’t
have him headlined the next weekend
and you don’t get on stage
and say this is my guy i’m with carlos
which is what he did
what they did was support the worst
vampire in the business
and let everybody feel helpless
and let everybody know that even though you are
successful and you do have
things going on you can
still get your life fucked with
by somebody who’s more
successful right
and you can see that there
are people that really do try to sabotage your career
if you expose someone for being a
piece of shit and a thief
and someone who’s a
direct indirect
opposition of
what this art form is supposed to be all about
which is you creating and forming your own shed and
bring it out on
stage and people appreciating your work
that you ever talk
after that you were with gersh at the time weren’t
you yeah i’m
still friends with
my agent at the time i don’t even want to mention
his name because he’s a good guy yeah fucked up
and he got in a bad situation and
they made him choose the agency made him choose between
carlos and me
and they only had me for
stand up comedy they had him for
stand up comedy and
television and film
and so they were making more money off
him than i was and
they wanted me to either apologize to him or they were
gonna have to let me go did you guys ever talk again
i ran into him
we were on a flight once and we sat next to each other
we were flying to you and
mincia no no no no my
agents no that’s what i meant no
have you ever seen
great movies
i get nothing to say to him
and he knows
everything he’s gonna say to me he’s not
gonna be real anyway it’s just gonna be noise
to try to make
everything better and that’s not gonna happen
yeah so he’s gonna just come over and try to groom me
like the little beta monkey try to pick
little bugs off the alpha
he’s gonna come over and try to be nice to me and i’m
gonna go come on man let me get out of here
while you’re still doing this
i can’t talk to you good luck with your life bonnie
freddie motherfucking lockhart you’re a bad dude
you’re a kick ass comedian you’re a cool
guy and i’m glad we finally got you on the podcast dude
thanks for having
me man thank
you very much
man anytime
more than welcome to come back man you were awesome
you’re a lot of fun
thank you everybody for tuning in
cap city comedy club this weekend
thursday friday and saturday for me
and for joey
diaz and for little esther
and if you want to
catch freddy lockhart he will be at the world
famous comedy
store this weekend friday and saturday night
around 10 o’clock
call find out what’s up find out who
the other lineup is
see if you want to
catch yourself some
al madrigal
see if you want to see some john
capo rulo lay it down there’s a lot of good
talent there and
that’s it so we will see you
this is the only one we’re
gonna do this week cause i
gotta go to austin but i’ll be back next tuesday
and we’ll see you guys then hopefully with bobby lee
bobby get back to me you fucking freak
everybody on twitter on facebook
contact bobby lee
tell that motherfucker to get
on the podcast he’s supposed to be doing it soon and
that’ll be a lot of fun
thank you very much
brian rikkel
redband com
for running shit in the
background and making sure the
sound is in order
and as always
oh thanks to the
flashlight for
sponsoring this podcast
flashlight com
flashlight com if you go to joerogan
net there is a link
you can click that and
enter in the code rogan you get 15
off bitches and
get your freak on
on the crazy fake pussy
thanks for tuning in see you next week
love you bitches later