♪ The Simpsons ♪
-(chalk screeches)
-(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking)
-(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
-(tires screech)
-(horn honking)
(tires screech)
-Aah!
-(tires screech)
♪♪
-(cheering)
-Hey, kids!
Who do you love?
-ALL: Krusty!
-How much do you love me?
With all our hearts!
What would you do
if I went off the air?
We’d kill ourselves!
(laughing)
What’s that, Sideshow Bob?
This is Brittany
and today’s her birthday?
Well, happy birthday,
Brittany!
How do you want to celebrate?
Do you want me to sing you
a birthday song?
Or do you want me to shoot
Sideshow Bob out of a cannon?
(laughs)
(chanting)
The cannon. The cannon.
-The cannon. The cannon.
-The cannon.
-(cheering)
-Sorry, Sideshow Bob,
but it’s her special birthday wish!
(chuckles)
(laughs)
You’re doomed, Sideshow Bob.
I know we haven’t had much luck
shooting you out of this cannon,
but maybe that’s because
we haven’t used enough…
-gunpowder!
-(cheering)
Brittany,
do the honors.
(cheering)
Don’t blame me.
I didn’t do it.
(laughing)
Comedy, thy name is Krusty.
Hey, kids, it’s time
for Itchy and Scratchy!
♪ They fight, they bite
They bite and fight and bite ♪
♪ Fight, fight, fight
Bite, bite, bite ♪
♪The Itchy and Scratchy Show♪
(screeching)
Oh, my!
All this senseless violence.
-I don’t understand it’s appeal.
-We don’t expect you to, Mom.
If cartoons were meant for adults,
they’d put them on in prime time.
-(beeping)
-Y’ello.
Hello, Homie. I was hoping
you could pick up…
a half-gallon of premium ice cream
on your way home from work.
Ooh, premium–
Wait a minute. Why?
Patty and Selma are coming over
to show us
slides from their trip to the Yucatán.
-Doh!
-(doorbell rings)
-PATTY, SELMA: Anybody home?
-Ooh, I’ve got to go, Homer.
My sisters are here.
Oh, eight carousels!
-We’re in for a real treat.
-(both groan)
(bell rings)
Hello, steady customer.
How are you this evening, sir?
-How ya doin’, Apu?
-(oven dings)
Mmm, chocolate.
Ooh, double chocolate.
(gasps) New flavor–
triple chocolate!
Perhaps a little something
for the trip back to the cash register.
-(snickering)
-What’s the matter, sir?
Never have I seen you look
so unhappy while purchasing
such a large quantity of ice cream.
The reason I look unhappy
is that tonight…
I have to see a slide show
starring my wife’s sisters.
Or as I call ‘em,
the Gruesome Twosome.
(laughing)
-Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy–
-Sorry, pal.
(gasps, screams)
Hand over all your money
in a paper bag.
Yes, yes. I know the procedure
for armed robbery.
I do work in a convenience store,
you know.
-(doors closing)
-You can emerge now from my chips.
The opportunity to prove yourself a hero
is long gone.
(relieved sigh)
-This is our tour group.
-Mm-hmm.
This is a Mexican delicacy called
a taco platter. Mmm, delicious.
-This is Selma taking a siesta.
-“Ay, caramba!”
And he had a big nose.
No, bigger. And big red hair
that came out to–
Yeah, yeah, like that!
Well, it is a simple,
charcoal rendering, but, uh,
-is this the man?
-Yeah! Wait a minute.
(gasps)
It’s the guy from TV!
My kid’s hero, Cruddy, Crummy–
Krusty the Clown!
♪♪ (scatting)
(sniffs)
Ahh.
(sighs)
(sighs)
-(loud banging)
-(gasps)
(screams)
Hey, hey,
what’s goin’ on here?
Krusty the Clown, you’re under
arrest for armed robbery.
You have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say–
-Blah, blah, blah, blah.
-What is this, a joke?
-Ready, Mr. Simpson?-
-Yes, sir.
-Send in the clowns.
-(footsteps squeaking)
(Homer laughing)
So, Simpson, which one is it?
(giggling, laughing)
Well, if the crime is making me laugh,
they’re all guilty!
-No, no! Which one is the robber?
-Oh, definitely number…
-(wheezing laugh)
-Simpson.
-Simpson!
-Four.
-(snoring)
-And this is all the mail
that waited us upon our return.
And this is Selma…
dropping off our vacation film
to be developed.
Thus concludes
our Mexican odyssey.
Hmm. Very thorough.
-HOMER: I’m home, everybody!
-(all gasping)
-Oh, goody gumdrops.
-You missed the whole slide show, Homer.
Oh, fantastic.
Marge, you’re never gonna
believe what happened.
I was down at the Kwik-E-Mart
minding my own business when–
Ooh, ooh, ooh, the news!
♪♪ (news theme)
MAN:
Springfield’s number one news team…
with our Emmy Award-winning
anchorman Kent Brockman,
Good evening, I’m Scott Christian.
Kent Brockman is off tonight.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To rob a Kwik-E-Mart.
The news story behind
that enigmatic half-joke
right after this commercial message.
Wait a minute. Bart, you know
that guy on your lunch box?
Oh, you mean Krusty the Clown?
-He’s sort of a hero of yours, isn’t he?
-Are you kidding?
He’s my idol. I’ve based
my whole life on Krusty’s teachings.
-Maybe you’d better run to bed.
-Krusty the Clown is behind bars…
after a daring twilight robbery
of a local Kwik-E-Mart.
-Krusty!
-Oh, no!
-(groans)
-Earlier this evening,
the Springfield SWAT team
apprehended the TV clown,
who appears on a rival station
opposite our own
Emmy Award-winning Hobo Hank.
And just in,
actual footage of the crime
taken with the Kwik-E-Mart
security camera.
The reason I look unhappy
is that tonight I have to see
a slide show starring
my wife’s sisters.
Or as I call ‘em,
the Gruesome Twosome.
(laughs)
-Oh, Homer.
-So, the truth comes out.
Hand over all your money
-in a paper bag.
-Oh, Krusty, how could you?
I know it looks very bad, honey.
Who knows,
maybe it’ll turn out
he was innocent all along.
Earth to Marge.
Earth to Marge.
I was there.
The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.
♪♪
-You’re my best friend.
-Thanks, Krusty.
Buy my cereal.
(laughs)
Buy my cereal.
(laughs)
I didn’t do it!
Oh, I wish
I could believe you.
♪♪
Good evening, again, Springfield.
Krusty the Clown,
the beloved idol
of countless tots,
now nothing more than
a common, alleged criminal.
His trial,
which begins tomorrow,
has taken center ring
in a national media circus
as children of all ages
from eight to 80
hang on each new development
like so many Romanian trapeze artists.
From his humble beginnings as
a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi,
Krusty clowned his way
to the top of a personal mini-empire
with dozens of endorsements,
including his own line of pork products.
This may have led to one of television’s
best-loved bloopers–
Krusty’s near-fatal,
on-the-air heart attack in 1986.
-(kids cheering)
-Wasn’t that a great
Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids?
Well, we’ve got
another one coming right up.
But first,
I’ve got a hankerin’
for some pork products.
Mmm. Look.
Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked
bacon and glistening, sizzling–
(gasping)
-(laughing)
-(groaning)
I’m dying.
I’m dying.
(chuckling)
But a quick triple bypass
and a pacemaker later,
Krusty bounced back.
However,
he was a changed clown.
Where his show had been
condemned by parents and educators alike
as simpleminded TV mayhem,
this new Krusty devoted
a small portion of every show
to stamping out illiteracy in today’s
anything-for-a-thrill youth.
Give a hoot.
Read a book.
Krusty’s arrest
has sent shock waves
through Springfield,
packing its churches,
synagogues and mosques
with disillusioned citizenry
from all walks of life.
I urge every halfway decent
member of our community
to gather up all merchandise
that bears the likeness of Krusty,
that clown prince of corruption,
and join me
in a public burning!
So, is Krusty the Clown about
to trade in his baggy pants
for the relatively snug uniform
of Springfield Penitentiary?
We’ll find out tomorrow
when his trial begins.
-(camera shutters clicking)
-(reporters clamoring)
-Uh, what kind of gun did you use?
-Did you use an accomplice?
Will you
plead insanity?
Look at him.
His clothes are so drab.
His face
is so flesh-colored and sad.
And his feet,
they’re so small.
Say it ain’t so, Krusty.
(clears throat) My client has
no comment at this time.
-I didn’t do it.
-(onlookers laughing)
-Krusty the Clown, how do you plead?
-I plead guilty, Your Honor.
(people gasp)
-(whispering)
-Oh. (laughs)
I mean, not guilty.
Opening night jitters, Your Honor.
I would like to call to the stand,
Homer J. Simpson.
Don’t do it, Dad.
Please don’t do it.
Sorry, son.
You’ll understand one day.
He’s innocent, I tell you.
Krusty would never do something like that.
Oh, come on, Dad.
You got to listen to me.
(grunts)
Sorry, pal.
(gasps, screams)
-(laughing)
-Doh!
Mr. Simpson, was that you
taking that cowardly dive
into that display of
heavily-salted snack treats?
Yes, sir.
Do you recognize the gunman
in this courtroom today?
-Yes, I do.
-Fine. Would you point him out to us?
Okay.
♪♪
-Aaah!
-(people gasp)
Oh, man.
Let the record show that
the witness… eventually…
pointed to…
Krusty the Clown.
-These toys are just adorable.
-(pops)
Who’d have guessed they were inspired
by an insane criminal genius.
But, Dad, you’re giving in
to mob mentality.
No, I’m not! I’m hopping
on the bandwagon.
Now, come on, son.
Get with the winning team.
(door slams)
Hey, right here! Krusty souvenirs!
Buy ‘em and burn ‘em!
Good people, I’m so happy
you’re all here tonight.
But please,
just a few words of caution.
Now, we are going to set
this pile of evil ablaze,
but because these are children’s toys,
the fire will spread quickly.
So, please stand back, and try
not to inhale the toxic fumes.
(crowd gasps)
Ooh!
Krusty, would you please turn
your attention to Exhibit B.
-Uh–
-Tell me what you see.
Uh, uh–
Which one do you mean?
The one with the big “B” on it.
-Uh, uh, uh–
-What’s the matter? Can’t you read?
No, I can’t!
I can’t read or write! I admit it!
I’m totally illiterate. Now are you happy?
(all gasping)
Can it be that the champion of
child literacy can’t even read himself?
Is it a crime to be illiterate?
All right, all right. See this, Krusty?
This is a B.
And this is Exhibit B.
Betting slips– obtained by this
court indicating you have lost
substantial sums of money
on sports gambling.
Is it a crime to bet
on sporting events?
-Yes, it is!
-Oh.
-Foreperson, have you reached a verdict?
-Yes, we have, Your Honor.
We find the defendant,
Krusty the Clown…
-guilty.
-(all gasping)
Aah! I knew it!
This happens to me every time.
♪♪ (TV playing)
My young friends,
for years I have been silent
save for the crude glissandos of this
primitive wind instrument.
But now, destiny has thrust
me into the center ring.
In the coming weeks, you will notice some
rather sweeping changes in our program.
Please do not be alarmed.
Itchy and Scratchy
will still have a home here.
But we will also learn about nutrition,
self-esteem, etiquette
-and all the lively arts.
-What the hell are you doing, Lis?
I’m watching Sideshow Bob. He’s a lot
less patronizing than Krusty used to be.
-You backstabber, you traitor, you–
-Snap out of it, Bart!
Face the facts. All those hours
we spent staring at Krusty,
we were staring at a crook.
Look, Lisa.
I know Krusty’s innocent.
Don’t ask me why.
It’s just a feeling I have.
-Oh, Bart.
-Come on, Lisa.
I think I can prove Krusty’s innocent,
but I need your help.
-You do? Why?
-Oh, come on, Lis. You know why.
-No, why?
-I’ll never forgive you
for making me say this.
-You’re smarter than me.
-(satisfied chuckle)
-So, you with me?
-Yeah, man.
-(doorbell chimes)
-Oh, oh. Okay, okay.
Don’t try anything funny.
I’m armed to the teeth.
Bart, look, over here
on the microwave.
So, I don’t have a pacemaker.
Come on, Bart. The tape showed
that the robber heated up a burrito.
-So?
-Don’t you remember
the get-well card we sent to Krusty?
It was after his heart attack
-when he had a pacemaker put in.
-Aha!
Wait a minute.
Krusty can’t read.
Okay! Okay! So the poor guy can’t read.
Can’t we get off his back, already?
No!
Don’t you get it, Bart?
How could Krusty have been reading
a magazine if he can’t read?
Hey, hey.
This is not a lending library!
If you’re not going to buy that thing,
put it down, or I’ll blow your heads off!
Bart, I’m starting to think you’re right.
Krusty was framed!
-Did he have any enemies?
-I don’t know.
But I know someone who would–
Krusty’s best friend in
the whole world, Sideshow Bob!
“A volley of musketry
flamed, thundered, roared.
“A profound silence followed,
“broken only
by the approaching footsteps…
-of the Third Brigade.”
-(disappointed groans)
Next week, chapter 35
of The Man in the Iron Mask:
“The Death of a Titan.”
♪♪ (piano)
Well, kids,
that’s our show for today.
And now, in the words
of Mr. Cole Porter.
♪ Every time we say good-bye ♪
♪ I die a little ♪
♪ Every time we say good-bye ♪
♪ I wonder why a little ♪
♪ Every time we say ♪
♪ Good-bye ♪
Good-bye.
Great show, Sideshow. Switchboards
were jammed. The kids loved it.
Thanks, Ed. I’m glad we’ve
finally dispelled the myth
that I’m too uptown
for the tots.
And yet, I can’t help
thinking about poor Krusty.
(weeping)
(sobbing)
(sinister laughter)
-We see your face on key chains.
-And water-action pens.
-And snow domes.
-This is all very exciting,
but I think we’d do well to explore
the more upscale market.
For instance, Sideshow Bob
limited-edition prints,
-collector’s plates, commemorative coins.
-Ah. Ah.
Some kids are here
to see you, Sideshow Bob.
They say it’s important.
Ah, well, we can sign
these contracts tomorrow.
Certainly. I take great pride
in being able to sign my own name.
-(all laughing)
-That’s a good one. I gotta tell the wife.
-Hi, Sideshow Bob.
-Sideshow Bob, can we ask you a few–
Forgive me, chilfren.
As much as
Sideshow Bob would love to chat,
he has a show starting
in moments.
Here you go– three tickets.
Be my guests.
-Uh, okay. But–
-Come, come. Let’s run along.
♪♪ (theme)
-(cheering)
-Hello, children.
-Whom do you love?
-Sideshow Bob!
Come on, Bart.
Go with the flow.
-How much do you love me?
-With all our hearts!
About a zillionth
as much as I love Krusty.
Today’s show promises to be a
marvelous celebration of the human spirit.
But first, I regret to say
I see a youngster who looks troubled.
-What’s your name, young man?
-Bart Simpson, sir.
Hmm. Well, perhaps we can
shed some light
on your problem in a new segment
exploring preadolescent turmoil.
-I call it “Choices.”
-I don’t think so, sir.
Bart, I’m reaching out to you.
(grunts)
So, what’s on your mind, Bart?
I bet the other children
don’t accept you.
True, Sideshow Bob.
But that doesn’t bother me.
You see, my sisters and I
have been doing
a little investigating,
and it looks to us
like Krusty was framed.
-Framed?
-Well, the videotape showed
that the thief used the microwave oven
at the Kwik-E-Mart.
But Krusty couldn’t go near the thing,
not with his pacemaker.
Well, you know, Bart.
As much as I love Krusty,
he was never one to take
doctor’s orders too seriously.
Well, maybe, but get this.
Krusty was illiterate,
and the guy who robbed the store
was reading “The Springfield
Review of Books.”
Ah, well, Bart.
The fact is, you don’t have
to be able to read to enjoy
“The Springfield
Review of Books.”
Just look at these amusing caricatures
of Gore Vidal and Susan Sontag.
(chuckles)
Yeah, I guess those are kind of funny.
Bart, children, this whole sordid affair
has been a shock to all of us.
But we must get on
with our lives.
Let’s try to remember Krusty,
not as a hardened criminal,
but as that lovable jester who honked
his horn and puttered around
in his little car.
-And shot you out of a cannon.
-And shot me out of a cannon.
Yes, we will never
forget that, will we?
Bart, open you heart. I admit
I have some mighty big shoes to fill.
(echoing in Bart’s mind)
Big shoes to fill.
Big shoes to fill.
Big shoes to fill.
Big shoes to fill.
Big shoes to fill.
Big shoes to fill–
In ancient Greece, there was
a school of thought called stoicism.
-Wait a minute! You did it!
-(children gasp)
-Excuse me?
-Attention, fellow children!
Krusty didn’t rob that store!
Sideshow Bob framed him,
and I got proof!
Ow! My foot!
You lousy, stupid, clumsy–
-(all gasping)
-See that? Krusty wore big floppy shoes,
but he’s got little feet
like all good-hearted people!
-(screams)
-Sideshow Bob really fills his shoes
with big ugly feet.
-Kid’s right.
-How do you figure we missed that?
Get off your duffs, boys.
Get down to that studio!
Yes, I admit it.
I hated him!
His hackneyed shenanigans
robbed me of my dignity for years.
I played the buffoon while he squandered
a fortune on his vulgar appetites.
-That’s why I framed Krusty!
-(onlookers gasp)
And I would have gotten away with it
too if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
-Take him away, boys.
-(crowd cheers)
Treat kids as equals!
They’re people too!
They’re smarter than you think.
They were smart enough
to catch me!
(siren wailing)
(Krusty’s shoes squeaking)
Well, we… made…
a terrible, terrible mistake.
Uh, it won’t happen again.
-It better not, you dimwit!
-Krusty,
I’m man enough to admit I was wrong,
and I’m sorry I fingered you in court.
I sincerely hope that
the horrible stories I heard
about what goes on
in prison are exaggerated.
Well, the important thing is that
I regain the trust of the children.
But there was one boy who
trusted me all along. Bart?
-Yes, sir?
-Thank you.
(sighs)
♪♪
-(mumbling)
-Shh.