according to server right now
lots to look at in this room too
just lots of skulls and
things we can this is
a video that someone did with greg geraldo
greg geraldo doing stand up and ranting
while they played music in the background
for those of you
that didn’t know greg geraldo overdosed
and today he died
so if you didn’t know
greg geraldo very funny very smart very
clever stand up comedian
passed away and they’re talking
about it on the news today so i guess it’s official
socks socks
what can you say he’s very nice guy i didn’t know him
that well i knew
i was on news
radio he was on a show
i forget the name of it but his
set was right down the
street from my set
so i hung out with them you know
quite a few times
super friendly very nice guy very smart
you know he just
i don’t know what happened
i know he had had some substance things
in the past
but i thought i don’t know
who knows i don’t know if this was an accident if
you know if he
just was partying i don’t know did you see him on the
roast the hasselhoff
roast no a lot of people noted something
about him that seemed different than normal
but what they say
they seemed he
looked very coked up
coked up yeah that’s like
quote unquote
look and style it was but i you know i i didn’t i
wouldn’t say
that i can’t say that i look coked up and i’ve
never done coke
exactly people always say
rogan get a lay off the coke you’re all
cooked up i’ve
never even done coke once i’ve
never done coke
tom green is with us
ladies and gentlemen
if you don’t know
and i’ve never done
sound of this man’s
voice to my
right yeah this is
this is this guy sort of a somber occasion
to be here but
but and it was nice to be able to listen
to some of his comedy
today on this
yeah obviously
a sad occasion
that’s great
stuff he was a good dude too he was awesome on
roasts on roasts he
would destroy guys yeah
just perfectly
where there was nothing they
could literally
oh my god leary
did that to him on
tough crowd yeah that
was the most amazing
thing i’ve ever seen on
video and he wasn’t even an asshole
about it he
could have been way more of an asshole
about it he
was actually he did it with
a lot of reserve you know
he was a very nice guy it’s been a
tough year for
robert schimmel
just passed away as well yeah
you know man
i just you know
can i change the
topic now sure yeah because
i’m getting
upset we have
you get me upset we have to say
our sponsor we’re sponsored by the
flashlight yes
yeah i know
it’s first of all this is
cool to be here
it’s exciting to be here
well the reason why
would you have
me up for the show
thank you for being here man
if it wasn’t for you i would have
never even thought to have done this
when i went over your
house when you have me over your
house for your show and
he has this is
what we’re doing here we have like a
couch we have some
microphones we have a desk that i bought at z gallery
yeah this is
awesome this is fucking as low rent as you can get this
old school logitech webcam
but tom has like a serious serious
setup at his
place yeah his
places don’t be
showing everybody our
secrets man
but this is a
whole different
system you guys have here
which is cool
it’s cool to watch and
i’m seeing how you’re broadcasting here
our audio was terrible
for the longest time so we had to tighten it up
so people complained and
we listened so we went out and bought all this fucking
crazy equipment and
we’ve got it down now we have new
microphones we just
tried them yesterday oh
these are new
we used stage
mics the mics used for
stand up oh yeah
great sm 58
sure sound 58
i don’t remember the exact
it’s but there’s a silver
or something sure sure sure
a ch you are
a sure sm58
look that up on google everybody
we are now on some
audio technica
microphones that’s right and
they seem to be
much better no
these are actually for
this on my show
i don’t have
the headphones because
we’re trying to make it like it’s not a
radio show this like a
radio show sources
i did a radio show in college
at ottawa university at
chuo 891 fm look that up it’s an
added element to the conversation
you hear each
other’s voice you can hear your
voice right
there in your ear it’s like
you’re sure
the secret is
definitely the
double cassette player that we use though yeah
what’s that double cassette player
our secrets
our tech secrets
of how we run this
gas oh yeah now yeah
laser disc players and double
track got run
they’re running youtube
videos off on a track
battery operated only
you don’t want any interference yeah it’s it’s very
what’s the word
when something’s all
health or skelter well word
gorilla it’s a
smorgasborg it’s a of wires
it’s a ridiculous pile of shit
we also together
no previous knowledge
you can see the
evolution the podcast like like amoebas
becoming fish
and you can
watch the whole
thing we owe it all to amazon to
yeah amazon com one
click is a motherfucker
what do you need we need one of these bam
but this is
fun like i did
in college i did my radio show
right and it was a
phone and show and we
go there every friday
night at midnight it was called the midnight caller
i did this show for six years
not even when i was in high
school and then
after when i was in
community college i took
television broadcasting at algonquin college in
ottawa canada
named after the algonquin
indians now
i’ve always been curious
about television
broadcasting when you take a course like that what do
they have you do do you pretend to be like a newscaster
it was mostly it’s mostly technical
like it wasn’t on camera
there was one on camera course but it was mostly like
editing video editing lighting
how to work a
video camera how to set all your
technical stuff and we
had one broadcast news writing course
and we had some
single camera video
production and film type courses
but it was mostly
well mostly technical it must
be hard as fuck to keep up
like if you
learn how to
video edit from a few years ago
if you graduated
a few years ago now you go to
today we were
learning how to do it on
three quarter inch
video cassette
okay the video tapes are this big
put them in
these bunt john
you’ve seen
those and it’s like
you know two ab
roll two video tapes
then we got hi8
this was before
computers editing computer editing you know
they’re what they had avids and
stuff but not at the
school they were too expensive at that
point i edited
a paintbrush
yeah oh yeah
started off a
paintbrush did
you really have
movies on paintbrush
is unbelievable
what’s what you can do now it’s just that was
so exciting
about an iphone that’s the most incredible
thing you can produce something attach
music to it edit it
on your phone
are you fucking
phone man d
listen it’s amazing it’s like we are we are in
strange strange times yeah i’m getting the new iphone
within next couple days just cause i
my friend just got it and i’m
i’m jealous
yeah it’s an envious
thing that’s so that’s the
motherfucker of devices he picks it up
he’s shooting
high def video
you know you can
you can yeah you
touch you’ll be seen yeah you touch
the screen and
oh you have one you
touch the screen and
oh you got one already to
know brian are
super you have one
too oh my god
i have the old
oldest iphone ever
serious yeah my
off my phone is the old one
oh you got it
that thing has a
crank on it man
that thing runs on wood
my iphone is like from
the resolutions insane
the photos are insane unbelievable yeah
it’s just amazing
that we’ve got a device like that you know i’ve got
that is like some serious star trek shit
it’s slowly crept up on us from the
motorola razr
to a microsoft
office phones
and then when it gets
to this iphone i mean that is a fucking home computer i
could no longer be
proud of this this way i used to feel about this
well it’s still now
is some old as you keep the case on it
piece of a lot of people
swear on the show
yeah you can
swear some old
this is some old
piece of shit
is what this is that’s a the sad thing
about technology
that’s probably
a few months old right yeah
this is this is a two years old they have
sound boards
have you played
these sound boards
no oh you know i did i did the you have a
sound the imt pain
yes download i
enjoy that i
enjoy doing the imt pain
app we’re talking obscure
iphone apps yeah that’s a good one it’s an auto tune
so you’ve always
from your time
in broadcasting
school to now you’ve always been really involved in the
technology of the behind the scenes
stuff you’ve always
you know i kind of figured
when i was in high school and
i thought it’d be fun to you know
do a tv show someday is
basically what i thought i was watching
david letterman at night
you know and i was
thinking man that
would be the most fun
thing to ever do i was
thinking you know
you know and
little did i know but that
no no it’s a lot of fun
good doing this
stuff but the
thing is is
you know sometimes
sometimes it’s not some fun
but you know the
thing is is you know so i i
said you know no one’s ever
gonna let me do a show i’m
gonna have to go do a show at the
public access station will make her own show you know
we went i went to
school learned how to make the videos
went to the public access station
started the show
wow did it for
seven years
well you became
very popular
because of your public access show that’s what got you
started off you’re
also a rap star too though that’s
basically what got picked up by
mtv was the public access show
and it had a canadian rap
group yeah that was before the public access
show that was when
i was a kid
rapping yeah people
they see this man and he’s very
white and he has a beard and he’s
very automotive
very polite
you know no he’s a badass rapper
tom drink wrap his fucking ass
off listening
to you your shit today man
you have anything on youtube that you could
throw i got it right here
yeah let’s let me hear let me hear tom
green brown
yeah i love rap
music man yeah i take shit for it
i make beats and i
also see that’s the
other thing
before i started doing the
video editing and wanted to do
that i make beats at home so i had like my own little
atari computer hooked up to
a chi sampler
and a keyboard
is this it are you playing it right now oh this
is this is you’re playing something it actually it’s
kind of funny when you play music because
we recorded this song
you know 20
twenty two years ago or something like that
and we were kids you know in our teenager teenagers
and this is us walking around
downtown when is you
tell me when it’s you i’m the one in the red jacket
and i made the music which is essentially a sample
that’s my friend greg
greg campbell and and we
guys are from ottawa yeah from ottawa and
yeah so it was fun we
actually got a record deal when we were in high school
and the song and the
video was playing on tv and everything it was a very
exciting time
for two young rappers from ottawa
this video won the 1992
much music video award cmva award
he performed live on the on the cma
va awards and i covered myself with shaving cream
on for no reason and got up in the lens of the camera
cover myself in shaving cream
so we weren’t like the sort of hardcore
have you auto tune this yet have you tried to like hot
no that’s me rap that’s me rapping
walking through the grocery store
let me hear this i love public enemy
but this is
this is old though
you gotta hear my new shit
gotta hear my new shit alright
where can we get some new shit
i don’t know it’s probably flown around i don’t
know this is
this is the one to look at this is the one to look at
this is really good man
i’ve had a lot of fun surprising
rappers that have come on my web show
actually that’s a
funny clip you could show oh were you and
exhibit exhibit yeah or
maybe you know yeah
go look at it on youtube go to this place i
wanna i wanna it’s
funny cause he starts
cracking up and sort of a funny moment you know
where he’s and
you know but
did you initially want to be a rapper before you became
a comedian not really no i was like i was in high
school and i thought
it was a fun
thing to do on stage at the assemblies was you had to
band battle of the band’s
night it was an excuse to get up on
stage so we made this rap group
i liked listening
to it you know i was listening to like
you know nobody knew what rap
music was in my
high school
there everyone was listening to
you know mainstream
music i was listening to boogie down
productions nwa
public enemy
you know which was not
tribe called quest
these groups
weren’t really mainstream
yet in on the
radio in canada
in the 80s 90s
but yeah so but you know what i was thinking
about this the
other day rap
music back then
is kind of like
it kind of provided
what the internet
provides now
which is a glimpse into
other parts of the
world other
places you know
here was we were in canada
and we’re listening to
these songs coming out of new york coming out
boogie down
productions of the
south bronx and we’re listening them
telling all
these tales of life on the streets in the
south bronx and you’re listening this year going
on a cassette
you know and you’re listening to
your walkman
old school and
criminal minded
the record and you’re like oh man listen to
these stories you know
and so that’s
yeah i was thinking
about that driving over here today
it’s kinda sad because in a way that
might be something that disappears from music now
because of the internet
maybe that’s
gonna screw up music
let’s not be negative
well because we don’t have to go to
music now to get
those kinds of
you know story i
guess we would listen to them on the internet yeah i
think anything good is gonna
stick around yeah there’s not
gonna be anything that’s awesome that’s
gonna go away
you know everybody’s like oh this is
gonna be the
death of music
how can anything be the
death of music when everybody loves
music that’s ridiculous
yeah it’ll be the
death of comedy
i guess i just sort
of more i’m more curious to see how it’ll affect it
or how it’ll evolve
it’ll be good yeah
it’ll be good yeah
well now there’s so many more
places that people who want to make
music and just distribute
their music too
so it’s somewhere more people have access it’s perfect
just us the fact
that we can do this the fact that we can do this and
just broadcast talking over the internet this is just
you can become
famous from bands that little kid
the one that sang that
cover justin
biegra song justin
bieber justin bieber
oh yeah the one on
ellen that ellen
gave a record deal fucking
that was brilliant dude that
was like some
that gave me
goosebumps i
listened to that kid saying it gave me
goosebumps i mean my
whole family
listened to it i was like this is incredible
this kid’s so fucking talented
he’s in a he’s in a high
school like not even was it even high
school yeah no no
middle school and what was cool
about the video was it was it was all girls
in the background you
could see the girls were into it they were
they were crushing yeah
crushing on him that was cool couldn’t help themselves
they were like they’re a little moistening
while they’re sitting up there like thirteen it was
it was interesting
this one girl was
going my god yeah
they couldn’t believe it you know
that’s sort of the
that we have to play play that man
find that shit and play it that’s sort of we know
we’re not gonna play the whole
thing for people what is this the fucking
music show it’s on ellen
yeah you know what fuck that’s the
that’s the dream in high
school though to get up on
stage was on
say something
or do something that everybody in the entire
school you know
is staring at you like michael j
fox in the back to the future playing the guitar on the
stage like you’re from outer
space or something
weird pressure that is for children to wanna
stand out like that like that’s
gotta be so strange for kids i don’t
remember the feeling myself but if you wanted to be
some sort of an actor or something and you were 10
and you were in
school and you
saw some girl that was on a show and she was 10
and you’re like
what the fuck how come i can’t be on that yeah yeah
you know exactly
it’s a terrible way to be raising kids
yeah thinking
about getting
the most attention possible for an almost nothing
like instantaneously become famous
everything that your parents you
know all the character that gets developed from hard
work that’s all nonsense i made it already bang shut up
14 and made it
yeah they put too much pressure on people
huh look at lindsay lohan
especially in this day and age now
where yeah you’re seeing it it’s in your face all the
time you know man
so you could
swear to all the fucking time and
shoving the shit down our fucking
throats okay
true we’re shoving it down
the strangest
thing about hollywood is that hollywood’s
tricking the very people that make it
yeah you know there’s the
grand conspiracy
theory is that like man you know the hollywood
is trying to condition
us to be like
like subservient to our government man and be
patriotic but
no hollywood is giving you what you want to see yeah
hollywood’s giving you what you
wanna see and they’re doing what they like too
they’re making the kind of
stupid shit that they like to
watch yeah you know it’s like
the people that are creating it are just as much of a
victim of the
conditioning as the people that they’re selling it to
people don’t realize that they
think it’s some
grand scheme no
supply and demand yeah people want to see
sex tapes and then see the people go do shows and
watch their lives and sort of see
everything and know everything right do you
watch jersey shore
i’ve seen it i’ve only seen it once but i
enjoyed it a lot i found it i found it very
i laughed a lot watching the show
and i can see why people
watch those guys are like
pretty funny to
write is that the that’s i
guess i’ve only seen it once they’re hammered
up to the camera they’re having a good time yeah you’re
watching people
you know you’re being voyeuristic
right into a completely different
world i’m so
stuck people like with the hills though and
everything like that i don’t buy the jersey
shore like i almost think everything’s fake now well
apparently it’s all set up but i don’t care
it’s encouraging bad behavior
there’s still
even if it’s fake it’s like these people like wow
you watch it it’s like
watching a national geographic special on some fucking
tribe that they found in the jungle
it doesn’t seem like
humans yeah
but it’s pretty
funny man and all they’re trying to do is get
their dick sucked
it’s really kind of funny because
it’s real i mean that really is what
that guy’s doing he’s just trying to fucking hand it
every night
different girls all over the
place he’s showing
you his abs and he’s
going to clubs and girls are
going i mean it’s working
you know it’s
working he’s pulling it off and it’s working
i think the
thing that’s bizarre
about all the reality tv though is
not to over analyze it i
guess maybe i’d be over
analyzing it at that point
but we’re talking
about my broadcasting course they
taught us about
and making documentary we had a documentary filmmaking
course they talk about
when you put a camera on something right
it changes what you’re filming
right so you can
never really make a true
documentary of anything
cause as soon as you put the camera on it
it’s gonna change
what’s going on
like in this case you put the camera on all
these kids in the jersey
shore right
and they’re like okay we gotta go
crazy for the camera
so they go getting in
fights they’re doing all the
stuff that’s true
so so then it’s
gonna and then people gonna
watch that it’s
gonna get worse and
worse then people
gonna have to get more
fights people
gonna start
you know we’re
gonna have snuff
film television
well it’s nah
i don’t think
we’ll ever get
to that point
people don’t want to see that kind of negative
stuff they want to
be fascinated by
close your doors
or total recall
faces of death they
want the couple to make out and then
close the door
that’s what they wanted to stop yeah
it’s all fascinating
to me man because it’s so easy to change behavior by
just putting a camera on it if that’s really the case
if all you have to do is add a camera add the fact that
other people
gonna get to see it and it changes
everything yeah no they’re
still doing this even
if they’re faking it and acting it out i don’t care
they’re still doing all this
stuff on the show and to me
look it’s like
some sort of a national geographic special it really is
yeah i want to
watch it more yeah i can’t help
myself i have
to watch it more
so it really is so yeah they
think they just
get used to the camera and that’s just the way they
would be living life
i grew up with people like that they’re chimps yeah
they’re chimps and they’re
everywhere there’s a
bunch of chimps out there with gold
chains on and
they’re just out there
running around not giving a fuck
about how the
world works that’s
just that’s exactly what it’s like in the jersey yeah
there’s i knew dudes from back when i was in high
school that did not give a fuck how the
world works yeah
all they wanted
do they worked they did like they were electricians
they would work
and then when they get off work
they’d want to get fucked up and go get late and they
didn’t know anything they didn’t know what was going on
i have no idea
didn’t give a fuck didn’t pay attention what am i
gonna do my foul fucking politics
will go out and get my dick suck come on what am i
gonna do here
what am i gonna do my foul politics
yeah that shits
that shit ain’t real yo
that shit ain’t real
i grew up with dudes like that so when
i see like them putting cameras on people like that
i go oh no yeah they gave these
savages a fucking camera
they gave them air time
actually now i’m
starting to
i’m a little bit mad at myself that i
haven’t watched it more i
think i’ve been
withdrawing a little bit from
television me too
last couple years
purposely not
watching anything
other than cnn
actually is pretty well all
for instance
i don’t even
watch american i
watched american idol because everybody
watched it i don’t
watch that i don’t
watch that i don’t
watch anymore i used to like
watching the people suck in the beginning
can i get them
like what’s
wrong with you you sick fuck you
wanna watch people fail
yeah i was like
how’s that fun you know
every now and then you see one that’s brilliant well
guess what i’ll find that one on youtube okay
you know tell me some amazing
thing like that susan
what was her name the one
who really sang
yeah susan ness
susan boyle boyle
susan boyle
susan boyle yeah
i mean that was that was fascinating i mean that was
that was really incredible i mean she had an amazing
voice but how many
hours do i have to sit through
of bullshit before i get to that yeah
and it was the yeah
and it was a perfect
moment and it was just sort of the perfect perfect
thing that happened there yeah
but you know
to me the thing is
i don’t like
that i used to like the beginning when they were
fucking up too at the beginning and
making fools of themselves the beginning
but now it seems like the people coming in are
coming up on purpose
to fuck up well
you know i don’t know i can’t
watch that anymore
and then the
music all sucks on the
radio now cause it all comes out of that same
thing right all the
music now does not suck man
it’s all coming out of that same funnel it’s like oh
we gotta do a really good jefferson airplane
impression you know
you know you
think so i can’t
stand the new
music there’s always good
stuff man you just
gotta find it there’s just
so much stuff well
that’s the problem see i don’t know how to find it i
agree i know there is good
stuff cause there is good
stuff that i find i can hear sometimes
just going through life now
like when you’re walking
you’re in an elevator you’re walking through a mall
or you’re listening to the
radio or the mainstream stuff
it’s all the shit
yeah that’s true you don’t
you have to you know i don’t i don’t listen to college
radio anymore i don’t know what the station is
and so i don’t know how to find the cool
stuff you do pandorado
yeah i did i
do do that but i don’t know what to type into a
search cause i
favorite people you know
when you’re not when you’re in
school and stuff
and you’re around people but i’m in my living room you
know what really sucks man
the loss of
the dj the loss of the dj the dj to me is one of the
things i miss the most
about the radio
about growing up and listening to the radio
i would listen to
guys and listen to the shit that they like to listen to
they were cool guys
and they would like
there was a charles lockwidera
was this guy who used to do the big mattress show on
i think it was wbcn
bc and rcoz
back in boston
and it was like this
morning show
where he would go on and it was a comedy show and they
would fuck around but he
would play songs too
you know and he played the shit that
he wanted to hear yeah and you’re like that’s funny
i like that guy’s
point of view
that’s the music he likes yeah
there’s this guy in my fiorento
mark parento was the afternoon dj
and he was a big supporter of comedy too he always did
comedy competitions and shit
and he would play the shit that he wanted to hear
and you got a
sense of what
this cool guy likes this
music i tell you
why he likes this song
what’s so badass about it
check it out
and he plays it and it’s like
you have enough
that’s a show
that’s a show
what they’re doing now is just
sticking all sorts of songs
that they think
they can get you to pay attention to together and then
you know they
throw them in there
there’s no one
there’s no one personality behind it it’s not
there’s no yeah the
radio dj is
showing i don’t
think the radio djs really
have much of a choice in what they put on there no they
don’t this is
kinda their own
voice you know their
voice there’s an art to being a true fan of the
music and going out there and listening to different
stuff and collecting your own
you know your own favorites and
saying look at this cool shit that i got yeah that’s
what i missed that’s what i’m trying to say i miss
right there because it’s like now
you listen to the
radio it’s all been
focus group tested out this is this this
sounds like this this is the so and so
american idol
american idol this
sounds like american idol
this all sounds like a
and then it all
sounds the same to me
brian and i have very and i
sound like an old guy now now i
sound like an old guy
right because i just
turned 39 years old i just turned 39
and i got one
good old guy
yeah one year but
from 40 i’m
starting to
sound like my dad saying none of the
music today is good
everybody says that when i was everybody says that
but there’s good
stuff you just have to find it it’s just hard to do
brian and i have very similar
taste and brian is always finding me cool shit
he’s always finding he’s like he’s an internet fiend
he’s always
connecting i always look forward to it
new cool shit is fun man there’s a lot of
it out there it’s just there’s so much to sift through
yeah there’s so
much data pandora
helps me the most and you know just being at a club and
hearing a really good
dj and i’ll hook up the kids
sam shazam or whatever
and then that shit finds me some
crazy shazam
if you don’t
know if you don’t have that program on your phone
the most incredible thing you
wouldn’t even believe it’s real
you hold your
phone up to a
speaker oh it
plays the song
and it tells you what the song is and
unless you buy it on your phone
sound snap actually lets you hum
a song so you’d be like
i told that to
eddie and he’s like that’s impossible
he’s trying to tell me
about music
chords look
at that and that and this
i’m like i’m telling you they do it that’s what it is
it’s just wave
forms you know that’s what it does it
takes the song it makes it a waveform like a
picture like a jpeg
and it just puts it in a database
analyzes yeah analyzes and it’s like
matching fingerprints it’s
actually pretty brilliant how it works and
it’s not that big of a
deal if it’s you you guys
are we even
gonna know when the computers take over are we even
gonna know we’re not even
gonna know no
they’re gonna take over so quick dave
started with the ti 81
i think what are you doing dave
it’s real how how
remember how
would you like to play a game analyze it in
seconds and tell you what the song is
listen to it analyze it
break it down to a
piece of data
and then spit
it back at you with options to purchase it
all in seconds yeah
and they can do it for
every fucking song there is out there i’ve
never had it
failing me once you ever had it failing me once
but it was also like a
remix version so it was
other shit mixed
so this is just you hear a song you like it
you want to know what it is you pull shazam up
it tells you what it is downloads it
and buys it for you without
even asking it in your car
seconds later if your car’s bluetooth
bam it’s playing in your car that’s amazing i want bum
bum song cause it’s like when
i was when i was
doing my rap
group back then i was a teenager
we were back then it was all about
sampling loops
right so you’d hear loops of music
breaks of music so
we go into the
radio station all the time always looking for
cool beat breaks and
stuff so you hear that you’d always hear
stuff and you
wouldn’t know
what it was
and you do that
but they don’t
but you know let me ask you
a question can i ask you a question please okay cause
i’ve noticed you have a lot of buddhas around the
house right
yeah is that okay if i say sure yeah sure
because i had a buddha
and i really
like them a lot i had one at my
house okay it was
when i got my
house it was there already i didn’t get the
buddha the buddha was there already it was a fountain
it was on a
pole it was a big fountain it was
about the size of you know
that poster there big concrete fountain
and i had a meeting one day with
a television
executive at my house
and we went up on the roof of my house
and we had a meeting just a
discussion having a beer talking
about some ideas
television ideas
and we hear this
enormous crash
we go down and the buddha has just
for whatever reason the pole is on this
metal pole is
smashed it has fallen
it is smashed into a million pieces
and gone into my
swimming pool
and i’m looking at it and i’m just
thinking okay
apart from like
i really missed the
thing is that
a sign of something that no
okay good no it’s not
like swimming if it was a donald duck
statue it still
would have fallen
so it’s just there’s no
magical property to having a buddha in your house no
it’s just a nice
thing to look at i am fascinated by ancient
asian artwork
fascinated by buddhas and thai buddhas and
the fact that they’ve you know
looked that way for hundreds and thousands of years and
all these different people
depict these
things in different artistic ways
and that the buddha
is a character of
peace you know
the idea of
these thai buddhas to me means to me it’s
a beautiful artistic representation of enlightenment
you know it’s calming too to
look at right yeah
i like calming
i love their artwork i love shivas
i love hindu artwork
i love a lot of thai artwork
some of the most fascinating
stuff it’s one of the coolest things
about living in la
is that you have access to all
these importers
they import this really
a lot of this beautiful hand carved
stuff from thailand
would you guys ever have a mummy
like a real mummy
mummy in my
house like a dead guy yeah like
wrapped up like that
would you should morbid man it’s like why
you know i mean i
guess if you wanted to like have it in
glass like in a room somewhere and shit but
everything to
post it’s a
weird yeah it’s a
weird message you’re sending i just don’t like the
smell of embalming
fluid what if
they don’t buy
something like always bothered me
embalming fluid
have you ever heard of
self mummification no
self mummification was a practice is
and it’s been done
several times by
these monks
and one of the
things they do is they eat
nothing but
very very lean foods
they eat like seeds
and nuts and they go through rigorous exercise routines
for like three years
where they virtually
strip their body of all its fat
and then they start
drinking this crazy
tonic that’s
semi poisonous so it
doesn’t kill them but it fucks them up nice and slowly
and it keeps maggots from growing on them
get this then they
climb into a sarcophagus
after they’ve done this for a while
so their body’s
ready to go
they climb into the sarcophagus and they
close the lid
on them and there’s just an air hole and a bell
so the guy stays in the lotus position
like that new
movie with the he stays in the lotus position
with the air hole in the bell and
every day if he’s alive
he rings the bell
and the day that he
doesn’t ring the bell
they seal the coffin up
and then he’s in there for good and he’s mummified what
self mummification why do they do that now
cause they’re fucking nuts yeah
where are these guys are they
still doing this
today yeah is this
legal or is
this not a mummification
porn who’s laws
yeah where what
where are they going
i believe it’s in
tibet if we find
right yeah you
should actually
stop this is there
i don’t know
start a campaign to stop this
crowd brian why
don’t you google
self mummification
i know because
i know that it’s something that has been done
they have these
mummies man and they’ve you know taking the lids off
their their sarcophagus is in there
in the lotus position
and their fucking
robes on and
their mummies it is the
creepiest that’s
dedication to whatever it is that you’re doing it for
fuck they’re taking it to the next
level man total
dedication they’re taking it to
they’re poisoning the maggots
okay how about that
they’re taking some shit that kills the maggots now
by the way i’m reading this on the internet
who knows how much of this is true but
i might be says it’s a form
of suicide so
yeah so let me have
low suicide it
takes years man
so there is a lot of
stuff on the internet that we read that is not true
and that is true now you were talking
about the ufos last
night at your show
which was hilarious by the way and
it was great running
india over yeah
we ran into each
other at a club jay
davis is going
doing this little club what was it called the parlor
the parlor yeah on melrose
so found a nice little
place but the ac
was out it was wack
they were it was really cool crowd
because even though
it was like a fucking hundred degrees in there like
literally it was at
least a hundred degrees
in there fucking
drink like crazy
so high yeah
the plus it was the
crowd was very polite
i felt like i was imposing talking to them i felt like
yeah i felt bad i felt
like i was doing something by making them sit there and
watch me no
no no it was hilarious it was awesome it was
great it was a
great surprise
i didn’t know you were coming out we’ve been
know you know we
haven’t seen each
other in a couple years i have a
bunch of questions i want to ask you because
i’ve you know i’ve
started trying to do
stand up comedy this
year i’ve been doing it this year you have been doing i
haven’t laughed
some of your
stuff i’ve been doing i’ve been
going all over the world
some clips not trying
to do it i’m doing it goddamn i do it i’m sorry yeah
no i said i said that i’m
sorry for you no yeah yeah
yeah it’s a whole new
world isn’t it yeah
it’s a very
but i want to ask you some questions
about that but
yeah so i’ll ask you
right now i guess
go for it or were we gonna
talk a bit more
about the show last night
well the show last
night was a lot of fun
i was bill burr
went up and did a
bunch of new shit
oh and bill burr’s
comedy central special airs
again this october 1st
i believe it is fucking hilarious
very fun if you
haven’t seen it
check it out and it’ll be
good for him too he really wants to get ratings in this
thing because he wants to do more of them
and if you’re a fan of
stand up comedy bill burr is one
of the best he’s one of the best guys out there today
very few guys that
consistently nail it the way he does
he’s really good he’s a really well
that’s i went down there to see bill last night
because i met him at the montreal comedy festival
and this is what’s been fun
about doing
stand up is i’m getting to go to a comedy festival
and hang out with a bunch of
funny people everyone’s having a good time
you know i saw
doug stanhope up at the montreal comedy festival
he had this awesome
party in a in a car wash
you know it was like it
was good times well he calls it just for spite
yeah and he does it
opposing the actual
right right he’s not part
of camera right that’s
right he’s not part of the festival
headband and this was this
whole sort of controversial
thing that was
going on up there but it was actually quite
funny because he had this amazing
party in this
a car wash right across the
street was it really
great yeah it was really cool
what was it like
well so it was the bar closed
right and then it’s like okay well the bar at the
hotel closed and then everyone said well you know doug
stanhope’s having a
party in a car wash across the street
what we walk out across the
street and now it’s
three in the morning now
right so those bars are closed we walk across
literally right across the
street from the
hotel the main
hotel for the festival
there’s this
like the smallest car wash
you know it’s got the garage
hoses everywhere
and it was just you know you know
buckets of beer and we were there to like
seven in the morning or something like
that so that’s
a good time
lots of people
couple hundred people in there in this car wash
that’s awesome
so you just put together a
party yeah it was really it was really good so
but awesome move he said what
what happens if people
drive drunk and
stuff i don’t
think any of them
drive i think they’re all taxis and
stuff really yeah
that’s a nice move
but you know the
thing that’s cool
about it is like you know
so we go over there i’m at the montreal comedy festival
and i met bill burr and he came and saw my show
and then last
night i thought
you know i’m
gonna go see bill’s show
go see bill show
you pop out on
stage unexpectedly next
thing you know i’m up here at your
house we’re
drinking cups of coffee
delicious coffee
and doing some
some webo vision here right
it’s pretty cool
it is cool it’s totally we talked
about twitter a couple of times
i’ve said hey you know
joe check this
out i’m on the road i sent you a couple of my
trailers for my stand up
we’ve had enough
and see them on tom
green com go on tom
green com have a look at
some of the
trailers of the touring around doing this
but for the
folks on itunes it’s tom green live
if you want to find him on twitter
go at tom green live because they can’t see this
where it’s absolutely
at tom green live is my twitter yeah
still releasing that move
that movie yeah
pranksters yeah
prank star yeah that’s
that we’re working on that one still
i can’t wait
well it’s kind of
it’s kind of a it’s kind of a top
secret it’s not finished okay i’ll finish
well i have
to tell you i can’t really tell you what’s
about because i’m not sure i even know yet because
we’re still
kind of in the process of finishing it cool cool yeah
yeah i want you to do more
movies man i really
enjoyed freddy
god finger oh yes hilarious yeah yeah yeah
thank you you went out there with that man you took a
crazy chance
yeah i think it
shocked a lot
of people they didn’t know what to do with it
because it was so out there but dude
this like it was one of the ultimate
stoner movies
if you’re a stoner
go get freddy if you
mean people like
know a lot of people haven’t
haven’t really heard
enough good reviews of it yeah
really fuck
it i did a girl
thank you voted
that all day
that scene with the baby
when the the giving
birth huh fuck
i want to say
anymore i don’t want to ruin it i don’t want to
learn a way to your comedy but yeah
yeah no well let me
tell you the thing that
thank you for saying that because really
funny you know when you when you
you get thrust into this situation
where elves
and i had an opportunity to make a movie
you know to
write i wrote it
obviously was
just trying to make the
stupidest movie we
could think of
right let’s make it the
stupidest thing ever and then
you know the studio
at the time i had all this
opportunity to make this they said okay they had all
these directors i said i
wanna direct it too so then they let me direct
it so now i’m
swinging bloody
babies around
and you know jacking off elephants and stuff
and you know getting inside
your carcasses and doing all this
stuff right
and then you know you’re working on this
thing for like a year
right you know
working on this
thing for a year non stop
you know you’re casting it you’re
picking all the props you’re making sure oh
the guts that come out of that deer carcass look like
rubber to me and then the prop guys like well we’re
gonna put some
blood on it and it’s
gonna go well let’s see what that
looks like and they do it you look at it you’re like
no it still looks like some rubber we got to get some
real guts and they’re like well we don’t know how we’re
gonna make real
guts come out of the carcass when you cut it and then
they go off and
these are like
that are professionals
you know and they go off and they
come back the
next day and they go okay we’ve rigged up this
compressed air that we’re
gonna put in the back of the taxidermy deer you’re
gonna run your
knife down the slit
it’s gonna shoot
out real pig guts that we’ve got at the butcher shop
you know and
i’m draped in pig guts and i’m doing all this
you’re doing all this
stuff right and you’re
thinking okay this is
crazy this is
gonna look crazy
then the movie comes out
everybody like you know
basically you know
reams you like you’ve
never been reamed before in your life at this point
you know i mean
local papers and people
and you feel
completely kind of confused
about it right because you’re thinking
shit i thought it was pretty fucking
funny i don’t know what’s wrong with me
right so then but the fun thing
about it is
after that initial weekend
and the whole sort of
everybody talking
about your movie being
you know crazy and
disgusting and all this stuff
you i’ve been on tour this year doing
stand up and it’s been so much fun because
there’s a lot of nut jobs out there in the
world that like that love the
movie and it’s
part of my show now when i do my stand up
i do a little guitar at my show in the middle and
i sing a couple
like daddy would you like some sausage i sing that with
everybody sings it with me
and then people
start shouting out some of
their favorite bits
but i’m surprised
i went all across australia
canada next
month i’m going to be in a
toronto belleville
hamilton and london ontario and
people come to the shows and
you know are
shouting out all these
things from fred it’s awesome it
feels a lot
i guess what i’m saying is
thanks for bringing it up this is what i
think this is so
great to be
out and actually getting all this positive feedback
about the movie
because i was made to feel like this
is murdered
somebody this
is what i think
now if you’re a
victim of a pre internet
review system
it was a bunch of foggy
old douchebags and
the way people looked at things was
you couldn’t just
what year was freddy got fingered
it was 2001
who the fuck was on the internet back then
you know what i’m saying it wasn’t the same as
2010 and the thing
2010 you get your reviews from ain’t cool news com
like that kind of shit like
i always go to fandango or something
i get my reviews
online all day i want to use
this moment
as a real opportunity for me to actually talk
about this for a
second okay
i directed this
movie it all
wrote this whole
thing everybody
freaks out on it it’s pre internet right
the other day i went and i looked at
netflix okay at the reviews of the
movies right so i did this just two days
ago and i looked at the reviews of freddy got fingered
the point of making that
movie was to kind of like
be polarizing
right it was supposed to
be ridiculous
it was done in a way
where i think that 50
of the people who
watch it are
definitely going to hate it
more than anything they’ve ever seen in
their entire life
right and that was the goal
to you know in the joke
cause obviously the
other 50 of the people are
laughing at the 50
of the people that hate it and
that’s the joke right
so i went on netflix and you’re reading the reviews and
it’s pretty much 50 50 people are giving it either you
know a good
review or the
worst review you’ve
ever read in your life back and forth back and forth
and these people are just arguing with each
other about it
and i’m looking at
here we are 10 years
later after i made this thing
and looking at
these people having
these passionate arguments
completely on opposite ends of the spectrum
that’s pretty
funny i like that go
read the reviews on the
sequel i really
truly believe that if that
movie came out today it
would be an internet
phenomenon people
would be so into it
i think it’s
it was a fucking fun
crazy movie make it 3d
well i’m hoping to make another
movie this year
since you asked
about the movies i’m hoping to make another
movie this year
which is gonna be called insane
prank movie
and it’s gonna be just a bunch of
crazy pranks
street stuff
but you know it’s
gonna be sort of a well don’t get beat up man i’ve been
hearing you
telling me you’re getting in
fights what’s
going on oh yes that’s
right yeah i am i’ve
been in two
fights you’re
grown man i will
carry around a bow and i will not get in
i was defending myself both times what happened
i was attacked both times
by who i was a by strangers
both times for what reason
well the first time
i was attacked
where was it
where does take
place is about
two years ago
in new york city
and did the guy know you were tom
green the he
was he was somebody who
was somebody
i don’t know i don’t know he was somebody who was
an acquaintance
of somebody who i knew
and now i’m
starting to get
worried about getting
into the details because what really happened was
quite intense
quite intense
why are you worried
about getting into well because
you know i don’t know i just
thinking now all of a
sudden i’ve
never really talked
about this on the radio
and that’d be kind of
weird what’s
weird when you get in a fight with
somebody up tom green
no he i was
punched in the head
and i retaliated
right and then did you
whoop that ass
you know did you get all up in there
beat that ass
essentially yes
essentially yes yes
i was not heard
probably shouldn’t give out the details because
you know yeah
yeah i just
don’t get sued you’re tom green
well you know
i was somebody
punched me in the head and and so i had to
think kind of
thing kind of thing
but then the
other solid jaw
take a good shot
right there
right there
had a bump the next day it was it was did you
gray out or did you
stand your ground
i was actually sitting down
he punched you when you were sitting down huh
wow what did you do
were you getting
blown by his
girlfriend while we sit i
was i was sitting beside his
girlfriend you were
yeah or some
girl that you knew
but i wasn’t really
you know i was
also with a girl who was my friend who was
sitting beside me on this side and we were all friends
or she was friends with them
so anyways this is the point
let’s move past that the
point is you got in
fights i got in a
fight so then the
second time around okay
you’re a veteran
by now you’re
ready for that
and this is actually something i can ask you
about for advice on this
because this is
about controlling your temper
right this is about when
somebody comes at you and you know you’re a
fighter so you know
about this stuff right
i don’t know
about this stuff
but what happened
you go into
this sort of post traumatic stress disorder kind
of everything goes in slow motion
well you know that’s one of the best
things about
learning martial
arts is that you become confident in your ability
to defend yourself
not you might not always be able to defend yourself you
might there
might be guns and weapons and all but
you’re not gonna feel
completely helpless
you’re gonna feel like you have at least
confidence if you have a chance you can do something
whereas a person who
doesn’t know how to
fight at all and has no experience
it’s such a
paralyzing feeling when you in the presence of violence
so i mean you just wanna
cover up in a ball you just
wanna try to protect yourself you don’t know what to do
so this first occasion had a
bad feeling this
first occasion happened cut to
three months
maybe six months later
i’m walking down sunset
right mel’s diner okay just
got the stitches
taken out yeah
for some reason
somebody comes up behind me i was i
think i’d actually had a few
drinks that night me my friends
were being somewhat obnoxious
oh talking loudly
being generally idiots on the
street yeah
and some and some guy saw me
being kind of an
idiot and came walking up to me and my friend that was
brian by the way and he said hey
man i wanna kick your ass
right now just like that no reason okay he said
i’m gonna kick your ass right now
this guy was actually you know
smaller than me
which i thought was strange and he’s coming out of
nowhere and we’re in the dark and there’s no one around
right by paquito
mass outside
mels mel’s diner on sunset
i look at him my friend looks at him
he my friend says
are you serious dude
and he goes yeah
and then my friend for whatever reason goes okay
and goes like that
so then this guy’s running at me but
because of the previous
situation i’m now in like the slow motion mode
like he’s coming at me and i’m gone
well this is not gonna be
i just so i went at him and i just put my
hands on his neck
right and i put my hand behind him
i kind of lowered him down onto the ground
and i put my fist up in his
face like this and i said i don’t want to hurt you man
i don’t want to hurt you
i don’t want to hurt you
right and he said
and his leg was
kind of flapping up on the side on my body like this
and i had him
pinned on his back on the sidewalk and he said
okay man okay
and i got up
he walked away
wow so then how for rape
choke to the
mount position for
those of you don’t know what tom
green was doing yeah
grabbing the hand in a
bitch where’s my money grip
and then he had a fist up yeah
and he just it just kind of
ended it diffused the situation
nobody got hurt
um and you know
that’s i think that’s something
that people need to know is to you know there is this
flash of a moment when somebody attacks you
where you kind of go into this animal mode
right you’re not in complete control
right and then
after you know
you got it you
gotta kind of
be able to control that
a lot so now are you like paranoid that everyone’s like
gonna attack you like do you like i’m
at the all of no
actually less
paranoid now because i now know i got i got
i’ve got i got that sort of
it sort of like a throat
on the ground
you’re always
thinking about it
right well the
other thing is
that only worked because he was
he was coming at me fast and he was sort of
smaller than me i don’t think that
would have worked if he was bigger than me i don’t
think that would have worked if
he knew anything yeah if he knew
anything that
would have worked
did you fight a lot he
was probably really really
drunk and it was just
to me it was
exciting though because i
haven’t been in any sort of physical altercation
since i was at a
you don’t want that kind of
excitement if you want that
kind of excitement
go to jiu jitsu
class yeah jiu
jitsu you get to
spar you get to go full
blast with each
other and trying to kill each
other with your bare hands it’s awesome
you get all that shit out and you don’t have to
get in fights on
where it was
scary is there on your belt yeah look
conflict is i was a
certain amount of
certain amount of
excitement primal
excitement that comes from
conflict but it’s very dangerous man oh my gosh
when you add an alcohol you guys are walking on the
street making a fuck load of noise
no this is the
thing i’m so
paranoid about it since then
that i’ve actually kind of
really laid off the
sauce a bit
right because
i realized that
you know although
i didn’t really kind of
i got attacked right
right but it was due to my own sort of loud obnoxious
behavior and that’s what i’m saying like do you
learn from that
right yeah you do you do and you but it’s i
think it’s called
drunken this
is wondering do
short things you can do if you’re really loud out
in public that’s a douche
it’s when you’re in your 20s
being drunk
out at the bar and being crazy
yeah it’s part of life
it’s part of
life but i just turned
39 years old
and i’m thinking to myself
that’s not cute anymore really
totally it’s not cute it’s not cute when it annoys
other people that’s what it is yeah you know and i
never used to
think about that when i was younger
i just think
about i just we’re having fun fuck it whoo yeah yeah
we’re having fun who gives a shit and then as you get
older you start
going wait a
minute but if we’re having fun at
other people’s expense
this shouldn’t be fun
should be annoying to me too i
should be embarrassed
yeah you know
yeah so you’ll
learn not to be a douchebag
yeah exactly
and yeah that’s exactly what
move that you’re not
ready to go to
yeah i think you
might want to
i’m gonna show you will
go into my my cage in the garage and i’ll show you some
counters that oh yeah
be very careful
i would i would
appreciate some
self defense not that i want to grab you
don’t extend your arm
gonna make sure you
do it correctly i’d like to take some some jiu jitsu
course like crop
magaz fun too it’s like a combination of
things and they
they give you like a lot of
stuff like this is what you do on the
street when a guy comes
after you but
you can’t prepare for
everything on the street
you don’t really know what the fuck if a guy’s
gonna have a gun or a
knife or you’re not
gonna really
no you know
you’re better off just getting really good at
any sort of a martial art
like you know
you’re really
gonna get good at
knife defense
uh huh that’s
yeah that seems like a
waste of time yeah
considering no one’s ever
pulled a knife on you in your
life stay away from douchebags keep your life clean
let’s hope we don’t get
stabbed yeah
don’t be going on practice
every day because one day you guys
gonna have a knife
there’s this fat guy has his website on
all sorts of
attacks like
a knife against a
knife how he will
block this knife
and then he will attack this means a fat fuck
that’s hilarious he’s
completely out of
shape and he’s like
he’s actually kind of a
he’s half decent writer but
totally completely delusional
martial arts guy
and so he’s got these
videos where a guy will come at him with a knife
and he will
block this knife and cut to the guy’s body
and go behind him and he cuts like
major organs
and i’m looking i’m like this is the most ridiculous
thing i’ve ever seen in my life you preparing for a
knife fight that
would never happen
why don’t you probably
cause of the preparing for it
is increasing his odds of being killed he’s
crazy by like 10 000
times carrying
knives on him
everywhere you know
he’s asking for a
knife fight
he’s begging for a
knife fight is nuts
yeah you know
what the fuck’s wasting
their life preparing for
knife fights
this is funny sometimes i look down here at the
stream and then i see you and i’m
thinking that i’m looking at you live but it’s a
delay right yeah let’s not look
at it because i don’t want to confuse you it was funny
it was confusing me because comedians
man they’ll go off in a drift yeah
it was like
i was looking at you’re
laughing over there and i’m like wait a
minute i’m not saying anything
funny right now
oh wait he’s not
laughing that was
a few seconds ago
something was very high
tech we’re on a
delay in case you
start getting crazy and
curse our government
yeah this is cool and now so
we’re broadcasting on itunes this is
on itunes it’s on the xun
marketplace it’s on
all sorts of different things
oh this is cool this is cool
now so yeah so
stitcher number one in canada
comedy a few times
on the itunes
okay yeah see this is something that i was
awful canada
i’m gonna start trying to do a podcast myself for the
first time and
starting next week so
it’s gonna be fun
you’ve always
been in that kind of community access channel
you were always making
videos you actually
changed everything when you had your show on
mtv in my opinion
my whole age group
i’m 36 but you
took my idea making
stupid little
videos and going wow look
what he’s doing he’s actually doing it for realsies on
mtv you know
you’ve really
changed that
whole market you
it’s pretty pretty amazing career that you’ve had man
that was an
exciting time
it was a obviously
those most exciting
time watches
blown brian yeah
you know maybe we wait till the show’s over and
that’s one of the most awkward
things ever we out in
the driveway
or something like that like really like when dug
stan opens here i was trying to say like really good
things about him but i’m like it’s so
weird saying that he’s
right here and it’s
broadcasting in
front of the
world what a
great show though you come up to join
house you have
coffee you get a blowjob
i think a lot of people though
i think a lot of you’ve inspired a lot of people
yeah you inspired me to do this man do this online
when i came over to your house i’m like wow
oh yeah i remember how
excited you were
about it and you talked to the there was a
document or a
i was an entertainment tonight canada or something
like that and he said you were very
excited about it and i thought well this is cool
this is actually
maybe maybe this is not
a waste of time doing the show in my living room joseph
we knew that eventually it was
going to get to the point where the internet and the
television combined it hasn’t totally happened yet
but it’s pretty close
it’s a small adribble you know
i can get like i have a dvd player that lets you go to
lets you go to different
sources and get
movies netflix
yeah and even youtube
it allows you go to youtube as well
and you stream
get thing you
stream i don’t know
about you stream
no i think so
no i think i was
wrong i think it was youtube
but it’s close
you can get the internet is
bringing content to your
television it’s just doing it through
outside parties now it’s not
quite as accessible as
i would yeah
i worry that it’s
gonna get all controlled so that you know
you end up everyone gets some box they’re
watching the internet on
their tv but
it’s not the real internet you know it’s just the
stuff that the shows that
get bought by
time warner
cable and do they decide to play on the internet
which then all of a
sudden you don’t have
the internet you have this sort of just
other way of
television that’s you know on demand but
it’s not free
net neutrality
right you know
we need to make sure
and i don’t know a whole lot
about it but
i was talking
about this the
other day with my friend and he said net
neutrality is a big
issue right now
they’re talking about
well since you’re in hollywood
since we don’t know a lot
about it let’s
argue about it
yeah since absolutely
one of us know the
points yeah
so i just think
that we gotta fucking stop this man
that’s how we rocket here in hollywood
just argue about shit we don’t even know about
well you know that’s
i was on stage
with some guy
some guy in the audience just decided he was
gonna heckle
and this is what he heckled
he goes even stephen
hawking said
that the universe
proves there must be a god
like he was arguing with me
angry at me and this is what he was saying
and then stephen
hawking came out
last week but
that’s not what stephen
hawking said you
see stephen
hawking came out two weeks ago and said that there is
no god exactly so i’m like dude you didn’t even read it
you didn’t even read it and
you’re arguing it you’re yelling it out publicly yeah
and stand and see that’s la that’s my
point that was los angeles you don’t know anything
about anything just argue it
yeah not only did he argue it he yelled it out
i don’t even know what i was talking
about i forgot because it was so
ridiculous what he said
but he yelled it out like from the side of the
stage like it was like an important
point for him
did you have a conversation with him
about it very
little i talked to him a little bit from the
stage i tried to be nice and just
segued into the rest of the show
but he just wanted
it was a weird
thing it was like he was a guy that just wanted to
argue like it was a game like he wanted to play
catch with me
have you noticed a lot more heckling joe lately
no no not lately it comes and goes there’s cool
crowds and not so cool
crowds and it’s always the
crowds are always
cool there’s just always a few douchebags
a tiny few amount of douchebags
but that’s all you need
you know if you have
three hundred people in a
in a comedy club all you need is
three douchebags and you got an
issue you have to deal one douchebag and you got an
issue so some
do you like that or
no i would way rather have just a fun show
like in indy
stressful when you
start yelling
i did two shows in indianapolis last friday
never been to
indianapolis for comedy before it was fucking
great man the
crowds were
super cool dude
everybody super friendly and fun it’s a nice like easy
going place
yeah and it’s a decent size city it’s a million for
million four
hundred thousand people so it’s a it’s not a small town
yeah and just really fucking cool friendly people
you know i like that man i don’t
wanna deal with some fucking douchebags
who need attention
that’s annoying man it’s like
i want to tell you
i want to pull him aside and
take him away from everybody and
go dude just get your shit together man
you see what you’re doing you’re
out of control
they’re so needy
for attention that you’re willing to disrupt
everything around you i’ve
started to notice
them before they even say anything you
often sit right at the
front right of
course they like to
sit right there
where everyone can see them
and they’re sort of
these you can tell that
these sort of you know
alpha personality types who just want
you know everybody
to look at them i mean come on what’s
their problem right
no but i mean
that’s the weirdest
thing when people
talk back to you it’s like you know if you want to do
why don’t you
just go do comedy you know and go do your own show
no they don’t want to
do that they want to criticize it’s like critics
these critics that hated your fucking
movie go make a better
movie well they’re not
going to make a better
movie they have nothing to
contribute they’re contributing
they’re doing
their best to be
verbose in their bitchiness
and that’s what
their contribution is
be conte about
things always look for the negative
love everything foreign
you know i mean that’s
really what it is that’s also even when they yell out
fun stuff it’s sort of
annoying too
right yeah well
the worst i was
saying was when
some people
think they’re trying to help you or something the
worst is when they talk to you yeah
you ever have people in the
front row and they just talk at you
why would you do that
yeah like what usually wasted
yeah yeah fuck i’m
gonna get to it i’m
gonna get to the
whole subject yeah
yeah you know
don’t move me in a different direction
come on man
what where were you going
why are you talking to me man this isn’t a conversation
it’s a fucking comedy show yeah
i always give people
the opportunity to yell shit out though i do a q amp a
at almost end of almost
every one of my shows just
cause it’s fun
sometimes it’s
it’s dangerous because
sometimes it drags on and i do the q and a for like
a fucking hour or something and i don’t know how to end
because it’s so open
ended but i
think people like fucking around and being able to talk
to me so i let him know like well there’ll be a time
where we can
yell shit out but it’s not let me get my material
out do all this and then we’ll fuck around yeah
that’s a good idea
cause fun yeah
cause it’s the best is when there’s lines and
microphones that’s how i did it when i recorded my dvd
that’s the best way to do it
have a line and people
come up to the line and they get to the microphone
oh yeah yeah
because when they just yell shit out it just gets too
crazy right
right brian i was just gonna say
you guys name like you know
like talk about juspe
you know like talk
about anderson silva yeah
we think about you
sons chances in a rematch
what should you have done different
now cause you have
stuff out on
and have had
it on tv or
i don’t you
do people yell you had to do bits that you’ve done
before i can’t
remember a lot of them though the problem is when
i stopped doing a bit man i don’t remember how to do it
like somebody yelled out do the talking dog bit
the other day
the drug commercial
bit and i was like fuck how does that go like i
haven’t done it in a long time so
i had to try to
perform it from memory
you know i just
i always try
to come up with new shit when you have new shit you
gotta abandon the old shit
you can’t keep remembering it
every now and then one
will pop up from like the old days like i’ll remember
one like wow i remember how this one goes but in
order to keep writing new material you know i’ve had
right now i had the
first one was i’m
gonna be dead someday
and then there was the
showtime special that i did
no then there was
belly of the
beast and the showtime special in 2005
and then shiny
happy jihad
and then talking like he’s in
space that’s a lot of different
material i can’t remember all that shit yeah you
ever just pop in the dvd and
watch your show
i like to get it back in your head it’s
uncomfortable for me to
watch the stuff that i’ve just done recently it’s
really uncomfortable for me to
watch something from like a few years ago
while you fucking a flashlight
might help whoa what are you saying
how dare you
yeah well it’s like when you were playing that song
earlier i was sort of
sitting here kind of
sort of curling up inside my
shoes you know because it’s like you’re
just looking at something from 20 years ago and you’re
going oh geez i
wouldn’t really do it exactly that way yeah
i know which way i’m
right but trying to
sound like chuck
d you know it’s like
this kind of
you know cheesy you know
but it’s capturing somebody
said this to me once that you know you just have to
think of all
these performances as capturing
a moment in time you know and just uh huh but i i don’t
you know that’s all well and good and i
appreciate that but i don’t want it’s still me
you know i don’t really want to
watch me from 15 years ago do comedy it’s not fun
yeah i don’t
know like me from five years ago doing it you know
it’s hard watching yourself man
when you’re very critical and honest you know it’s hard
yeah it’s hard
trying to figure out how much of this
should i be trying to
enjoy this should i be trying to
enjoy it like a
spectator or
should i be
hyper critical of
everything i’m doing
because that’s what i always wind up doing
so i prefer not
watching myself
but you have to go over material i think to
you listen to bits and sometimes you go
out your brain will take you down different paths
you go oh why didn’t i say this
or why didn’t i talk about that
well you remember
certain taglines
that you may have ad libbed at the moment
which may be gone if you don’t remember them
there’s a lot of my best taglines i forget
them i just stop
doing it for some reason and then i forget it and then
someone will say to you like why
don’t you say that anymore i’m like oh fuck i forgot
you have it all written down somewhere
or most of it yeah most of the material is written down
it’s all written
the way i start off almost all of my bits is i
start them off with blog
entries whether or not it gets posted on the internet
at all almost all of it is just me dissecting a subject
this is the method
that i’ve come to over the last few years it’s the most
to me it’s the best method because it
allows me to really examine
all the different ways i
think about a subject without worrying
about people’s attention spans
right i just
write and it
could be page
after page after
page just ramblings on what i
think about anything and then
i dissect what’s funny
about it like this is
funny this is
funny this is
funny and then i say well how much this
would go into a bit
could this be a bit okay this
could be a bit right here
this is how i have to say it and then i look
at it like that like i’m
stealing from myself
i’m stealing you
get feedback to on the internet
right people yeah i do
yeah if i post
it but there’s a lot of
stuff that i
write that i don’t post there’s a lot of
stuff that i
write it as if it was
gonna be a blog
entry and then just winds up
going in a file
yeah because i don’t like
where i was
going with it or i wasn’t finished with it
but i do like this part and that part will become a bit
do you think of your ideas when you sit down to
write or is it when you’re out and
about with friends hanging out and then you both it’s
everything i think
you get different kinds of
creativity just from driving in your car with the
music off if you have your
stereo off and
you’re just driving your car and don’t talk to anybody
just doing that doing
average everyday things
percentage of your brain
you know you’re gonna
focus on what you’re doing and
focus on activity
but you’re gonna get
bored your brain is
gonna get bored
just driving so your
brain is gonna
start thinking
about things
so percentage of your
brain will start
coming up with ideas and you’ll
start pondering
things and questioning relationships and
you start breaking down your life
while you’re driving with no stereo on
when you get the music on
you listen to that and then you’re off in
no thinking land
that’s one of the most dangerous things
about the media
is the fact that it’s so pervasive
and it’s so
easy to get to and it’s so easy to just sit there and
watch and just get sucked into it and
never think at all
i know i’ve been i’ve been addicted to the 24 hour news
cycle this last few years and it just
drives me nuts how much news
today do you watch
well it’s just on in the
background so
it’s like i’m at the computer but it’s on in the
background you
sleep to news
uh no no you
sleep till the tv at all
no i don’t fuck all that dude let’s do this
that’s no that’s a sickness
is that getting real
sleep sounds
oh no i always do the
forty minutes
snooze but i know
they watch tv
on your tv yeah
that’s cool or
timer i mean
really yeah
that’s cool
you do a 40 minutes news
40 minute timer
what do you
watch late night
televisions oh
put it on some you know cartoon network so you’re not
sleeping while the tv’s on tv shuts itself off yeah
yeah well that’s that’s sort of different
i mean i have
watched tv before i go to bed
but i thought you were just
sleeping with the
television on you don’t give a fuck old tom and
jerry’s are
relaxing like no rem sleep
yeah he’s like barely
dreaming listening to books on page
yeah you have to constantly
trick your mind
at your four year end i woke up this morning and i
had the weirdest flight once
cause i bought this
cd on the laws of
attraction this
crazy woman who
claims to be channeling
some some you know
the secret or what
no no was another one it
was the laws of
attraction right
i forget her name but anyway
she talks in this strange way like
when she’s channeling this like super deal
oh yeah she’s
a blonde lady
right you know what it’s on itunes i’ll
tell you about
princess somebody or something i’ve seen that somewhere
because yeah
someone showed me that once i
i like that you know that’s seth
speaks i read the
secret and abraham
i found it i
found it something that i enjoyed
says this woman on
channels this super
deity called abraham
i fell asleep once
i listen to
everything i have a very open mind and even if i
think someone it
sounds crazy you’re channeling something
okay maybe you are
crazy but maybe in your
crazy in your actual true belief you may have it
that you’re communicating with his deity
maybe you can
bypass some of the pitfalls and roadblocks and the
human consciousness
and maybe you can see
things that
other people can’t
truly see so
maybe you are crazy
maybe you are full of shit but
maybe you still have some good points
i’m willing to let that be a possibility
so i listen to nutty people do all kinds of different
conversations and
all kinds of different
lectures and so i
was listening to this and i fell asleep listening to it
so i was on the
plane for like a five hour flight
and it’s like
hours and hours of
of this woman talking through this man channeling
wow telling you
love life is love
all this nutty fucking new
age type shit
she’s channeling from this deity and this strange
voice she’s
reflecting it’s very
sorry i landed i was
thinking like
a fucking harry potter movie yeah
it might have
fucking programmed something in your
brain that’s good you could be
you could be
isolation tank and next
thing you know you’re gonna be
like what was that
movie with denzel
washington eternal sunshine
was mind or something
you’ve reprogrammed yourself
was that movie
something man
denzel watched a movie
running man no no fuck god
damn it man on a
shan on the fuck cunt he’s a
security guard
right there was
a security for the girl and she gets kidnapped and
he’s been programmed he was programmed when he was
what it’s a fucking terminator
you’re not even trying to help anymore man how dare you
whatever the duck
i’m not gonna get it man it was a movie where they
brainwashed him when he was younger and then they
activated him
oh oh yeah yeah ai
no no fuck you man
asshole i’m thinking the other one where
they try to guide us
a little kid you dick head fuck yeah
that’s not denzel washington either that’s macaulay
culkin same guy i don’t
i hate not being able to remember shit
you know it’s so annoying
yeah is there a memory supplement has anybody ever
taken a memory supplement i mean is
what’s good is that real
yeah because i heard it was bullshit
i heard ginkgo was bullshit
do rets a very
troll if you haven’t started
doing you do
yeah cool what milligrams you know i don’t remember
gotta get like five
hundred go to talk
about the software
yeah do you feel
that you find you forget things as you get older
no you forget
things because you have too much information i mean
i don’t feel like
a i can’t remember anything that i don’t recall at this
point but you know what i do yeah
i do notice that there is
some sort of a
scientific theory
about the amount of people that we can
store in our brain
and i absolutely believe that
they say it’s
150 they say that people have room for 150
faces and names they recognize
i have recognized someone that i didn’t know was
still in my database
well you have to re assimilate the memories
and you go okay okay
oh that’s a
weird thing man it’s like your
brain’s gonna oh we’re
gonna dust this off hold
on we have it it’s way back here it’s way back here
and then the dude’s giving me information
do you remember man
we used to play pool together in
white plains i’m like oh shit
and i’m going way back here okay
i got the file i got the fuck
oh yeah yeah
like so cause
you find it
you know this year
traveler i’ve been
traveling around
this year meeting you know thousands of
people hundreds of people
every weekend and
different cities
right so you’re meeting all
these different people
you find then you start
you know having that happen more
where you don’t
wreck when you come back to la
i mean especially if you like
if you meet
someone who’s interesting and you wind up talking
to this dude and you talk to him on the internet
well that’s an internet
you got an internet memory now
you know this guy is a part of your internet
group if you
email him on my message
board people sign up for my message
board and sometimes
some cool people have some interesting
things and okay now that guy’s a name and my
things of you
know names of people that i can
store in my mind
i mean it’s like
150 that’s what they say
yeah i really do find this
it really is it doesn’t
seem like a data
issue it seems like a data processing
issue it’s like
we’re not supposed
to have access this many fucking people
like our hardware
is not set up for this
it’s like we’re trying to run
quake 4 on a 1982 fucking pc
you know that’s what it is we’re
gonna have to get little you know
32 gigabyte
chips that we can
plug in behind our ear or something like that
imagine just for names and
phone numbers if they can
figure out how to update the database of your mind yeah
it might have just download
stuff into your
little well that’ll be out there soon
it’s got to be if you can
think it if you can
think it they’re
gonna get there
as long as they keep tampering and they always will
and that’s what people do we keep trying to figure
out what’s the coolest best shit and they’re gonna
learn they’re
gonna learn from
it as long as we don’t blow ourselves off to face the
earth we got some nutty shit coming
some nutty shit yeah
they’re developing skin that can feel that’s artificial
really yes artificial skin
that you can feel
with they have artificial limbs what do you mean you’re
gonna be like
attach it to your finger and they can make your
finger like 40 feet long
you touch stuff
eventually ultimately
they want you to be able to be sensitive like you
could pick up a
of paper with it or you
could hold a thick mug
oh really be able to
touch and feel
things what do you
feel you’re gonna get
electrical impulses from this artificial hand so they
go into your
nerve endings and they’re
gonna figure out how to make it so
you your brain
thinks this
is a hand so they’ve figured out the conversion of
their work to
i mean i don’t know how far
along it is or how
close it is but i know that this is an
ultimate goal they’re trying to figure out a way what
would be some uses for that
how about fake humans
how about they’re
gonna make fake people dude better
flashlights that’s the real
thing better
flashlights the real
thing is artificial life
that’s the real
thing and that’s really really possible
it’s really possible
we don’t know what life really is you know
technology might be life it
might be life in some sort of an embryonic form
and it has to
break out of this
like a caterpillar that becomes a butterfly this might
we’re seeing with
technology that people have created
today in 2010
we might be seeing just the
you know just this eggshell that’s
about to break and this new
thing is gonna
hatch out of it
yep i yeah i
could use a you know
a robot around the
house that had
sensitive skin
smooth mouth
pretty lips that
would be so strange we just had this
really super hot
robot that you
could fuck whenever
you wanted and you didn’t have to feed her you
could shut her off you can do whatever you wanted
when you turned around she’s like oh we fucking
what’s up yeah
clearly this is that’s possible clearly
these scientists are
are putting their
who was gonna
their energy in the
right place tolerate
their wife’s bullshit when you can fuck this super hot
robot porn star there probably something
annoying and gross to
change your filter
you know yeah
that would not be a vacuum
your load out of her
snatch that
wouldn’t be a good job
what if she’s
absolutely artificial
even her you know her hormones or
everything what if you know it
literally is
like an artificial person yeah
you know but it
doesn’t age
yeah she cleans her own filter yeah
cleans her own
pussy she’s
fuck yeah she
cleans her own filter
hey why don’t you just
clean your own filter already there’s a problem can you
clean my filter
why don’t you
clean your own filter too embarrassed though
all the time
see there’s already a problem out with that if you
could actually have
these totally controllable artificial people
where you could program in
their personality make them
super accepting and docile and always
know always kind and always
sweet and affection to you
would people even get in relationships anymore
would do it dudes god dude that’s not just
you’re an ugly fat guy you can just buy
this super insanely hot check
that’s fake yep
i think go to
movies with her and shit she’ll go to the
movies with you
oh no that’s the end we didn’t even know we
wouldn’t even know if it was a real
person that’s the end
and they’d be like some old fat fucked up dude with no
teeth shit all over his
clothes she
doesn’t care she’s a robot
she’s hot as fuck she looks like
tracy lords in her
prime and they’re holding hands at the
movie theater
people getting pissed
get a fucking real woman
except the way
you would know
the way you
would know is
cause when it
first happens there’d only be five
models you know there’d be the blonde you know
either be the brunette
they’re everywhere
so you’d see this guy
walk around
over again like
smart cars going around or whatever
they’ll do anything they’ll
suck your dick in a taxi cab they don’t give a fuck
yeah people gonna go off
it’s gonna be crazy they would probably have like
dead eyes you know when you look in somebody’s eyes you
you tell maybe
maybe the puppy dog eyes
maybe then crush you
maybe fall in love with that
robot you’re trying to figure out a way to
breed with dead puppies now maybe that’s the apocalypse
we do figure out a way to breed with
tell me a little bit about this flashlight
since we’re on the topic of of having sex with
it’s a thing that you fuck
put your finger
really it is let me touch it
and this is the only
one is fuck this one is your
sponsor thank
some the other part this is this is your
sponsor for your show yes
where’s this manufactured
believe austin
texas that’s where the company’s located you
hung out with them
go ahead don’t be scared
get in there
don’t be scared
turn it for me
i don’t really feel like touching
it’s just like yeah
you should feel it you should feel it no one has
had sex with this yes
this is just a sample that they sent us
just touch it
trust it okay all right
yeah pretty good
right put the finger in the i’m not
gonna put my finger no no i feel like it just feel it
like it’s the bottle you saw i can imagine
i can imagine i have a very strong imagination
that is that’s interesting
better than that cow
now now let me ask you this
i don’t have to ask you whether
or not you masturbate because of course you do but
would you be willing to buy a masturbation tool that
would make masturbation better
probably not right
then you have to sort of it i
was open does yeah i’d get a free one because i was you
know yeah i wouldn’t
would i be willing i
got one left
yeah i’m just
kidding i’m just kidding actually
well you know
might be fun just for a conversation
at parties or something like that hey i know i
got i’ll give it to you i’ll go find it
in here somewhere
no i mean you know
what kind of
porn is tom
green like do you
definitely have to be in a sealed wrapper
does it come in a sealed
sealed plastic
plastic yeah
absolutely it
sure it’s i
would not yeah
advise you fuck that yeah you don’t yeah
brian callan
touched that oh yeah see this has been out
this is duncan
touch this has
been unsealed
is that a signature i
think i think
ricky schroeder even touched that one
did ricky shot
that ricky schroeder touched
he licked it and so
does it do anything is it
vibrate or anything you don’t need that
it’s just that’s what it is just that
you know what it is man it is
it just makes
it’s way better feeling than your hand
and you’re not getting any
you’re not getting any signal from it it’s patented
rubber you know it’s like they have
their own patent on how it really feels good
made in america
made in the usa
proud to be an american very interesting
it’s caught fish in a bucket okay look at that
okay that’s what wow he calls it fish okay
that is what it’s called this is called deer in a tree
yeah you just making up names son it’s not what it’s
called out okay
it’s a great nerf
slapstick don’t fling that around but it’s a
solid product yeah
for 60 bucks or whatever it costs totally
worth it makes beating
off way more fun what kind of porn do you like what
are you an amateur guy
take your pants
off take your
pants off when you ask
that question
you know i don’t even know anymore man it’s gotten so
crazy out there
you still use
magazine kids
today yeah you know so crazy
well what’s gotten crazy man
well just the i think
basically just the sort of
instant access to anything online
it’s kind of
starting actually to get to the
point where i’m
you know it’s not as
amazing thing porn you
know like i
was you know when you know i was talking you know
when we were kids you know
when we were you know when
we were like you know
when i was in
when i was a kid right
they didn’t have
that obviously
so you’d be you know excited
when you know
like when the sears catalog comes you know you’d be
excited right you know
this is you know this is what you would
you know there was not this access to it
so it’s almost like overwhelming to me now i think i’ve
watched too much of it in my life
and i’m not interested in it that much anymore you know
to be honest with you when
you’re campaigning for a nice girl
when i start
yeah when i
started seeing it online
in video to be honest with you i
watched it a lot because i was interesting in the web
streaming technology
yeah so i would go
on some of the sites just to kind of that’s it just for
purely technological
purposes it was
sort of like a business or research kind of
thing cause i’m
doing my web show i wanted to see that the
streaming quality was good
and things like that and you can get the most
data from the facials section that’s what i find yeah
but yeah so you know it’s
but it’s i think that’s gonna
what’s gonna happen to us
are we gonna go are we all gonna go
crazy because of this porn
everywhere no
it’s just people fucking they’re just
going crazy
because they’ve been suppressed for so long it’s like
until everybody calms down and then they’re
gonna realize well i don’t really like
watching all this
crazy mouth fucking
until girls
throw up and coming in
their eyeballs
and all that shit
i don’t really like that
you can watch making love
videos they’re actually better than the porn fucking
videos i’ve never
heard of people
they’re really in love and they just
sit there and make love it’s actually pretty nice yeah
that’s a way
better way to be some
fetish sight you’re into yeah
you don’t like
love you don’t even like professionals boy
you like fucking scabs the love
videos they’re scabs
they’re violating the porn
union that’s very nice oh and
where do you find that exactly that’s google love
making love
videos there’s no
one there’s a
website that’s something
i’ve never heard of
oh yeah yeah
yeah there’s one
chick that’s like the most
famous blowjob
artist in all of the world
i don’t remember her name but she’s really
famous but she
it’s i i deep
throat calm
heather that’s her name
right heather heather something
and she’s got like i don’t know a hundred fucking
videos and they’re all of her blowing her husband
wow blown this dude
everywhere and she has the most
ridiculous lack of gag reflexes she’s got none so
he’s got a big dick she’s like
down to the balls looking his balls
every time that
does nothing for me and they have they had they have
videos all over the
place on the
internet like he’s turned his wife sucking his dick
into like a website yeah
that’s an interesting way to go
do you like
more you like more violent
you try these
videos not what i like
i don’t like videos
i like her she’s not doing it violent she’s not
throwing up somehow
know that she can just do without gagging that’s the
crazy thing
the other ones like
there’s a lot of like
sasha grey porn
that was fucking hard to
watch dude that
chick hits her
mouth oh wait you did the first
watching two girls one cup
video right did you do that
wasn’t the first oh okay no
no i saw you
do that that was me and
you did it was
watching it was the shot was on you the reaction was
yeah was both what was that
called what’s that called when
reaction reaction video
yeah reaction
video yeah that’s that’s
it was one of those
it was good one for reaction
videos because everybody knew by the
sound of the
music what was
going on if
you’d already seen it that was a very
odd sort of blip on the pop culture
radar the day that that came out
right yeah it was a
site dedicated
to one video
and everybody went and watched it
for a couple
that got millions and millions and millions of views
i joke about it
and i bring it up on
stage sometimes
and it’s incredible how many people have seen it
and i think what’s interesting
about it is
it repulsed people so instantly
that it didn’t really
catch on like it didn’t that hasn’t happened
since has it
where there’s been one domain name comes out you know
you know not
today three
girls one horse two
guys one horse whatever two guys
there’s nothing
like this oh is there
two guys one
horse guy gets fucked to
death by a horse yeah oh i’ve heard
about that in seattle
right yeah they had to change the law
five hands one girl was another one oh
jesus really christ
there’s a guy i
think i’ve told the
story before but i’ll tell you
because you’re here
the point i’m making is
there’s a dude that i know
take off there’s
a dude that i know whose friend was dating a pornstar
and they were trying to
he was trying to
reconcile the fact that
she fucked guys and this was just a job and blah blah
blah just kind
of like put it in the back of his head and
and she came home with a contract and she’s
going over the
different parts of the contract and he goes
what’s this airtight
and she goes
airtight means a dick in every hole
he goes what one of my ass one of my
pussy one of my
mouth he goes
okay this is over
that was a cracked them
yeah airtight
cracked them yeah the fact that they actually have
a name for it a term for
being plugged up with dicks yeah
and then what are you
gonna come home and cuddle after that
share tight
unbelievable yeah
and so and then
what happened he just walked out the door and
never talked to her
again and i was
fucking clint
eastwood airtight yeah
i think you know when
your girlfriend’s got airtight in her contract that’s
it’s a strange
thing that they
a lot of the people in the porn business
too they figure out a way to have boyfriends and
girlfriends and be in relationships but they
still fuck they fuck
other people when they work
but they’re only allowed to do it when they’re working
yeah it must
because we’re also
you know accustomed to seeing
it now that people probably out there actually can
justify it in
their mind because oh this is a
legitimate profession here there’s when is the tom
green sex tape come out
when is it who’s it
is there barrymore
is dealing with a hundred
hundred different
women do you hate the do you hate max
what’s that do you hate me what
what do you know that’s something i don’t
think i could ever
ever see myself doing you
know sex tape
is there one that
exists though that you know of
there’s not there’s
definitely not one that i know
is there one of you you don’t know
you don’t videotape yourself
you know not regularly but i
think it’s it’s from paranoia
of i’m not gonna say i
never did it once in my life
but you know the
the thing is is i immediately deleted it
and was a strong move
yeah immediately deleted it didn’t keep it around
you know honestly you know
didn’t even really
really want to
watch it to be honest with you you
loved it yeah
let’s find the process of
you didn’t want to
watch it though
not really no it was
awful gonna
freak me out a little
when i do it i’m just so disgusted
it depresses me and your body
but i do have one
what depresses you huh what depresses you it’s just a
i don’t know
watching yourself is
gross what did you do
cause i’m not like
you hear in the
noise wait a
minute brian stop
right now listen to how you’re advertising your sex
you’re a single man
and you’re saying you have depressing sex no no
no i mean do you like
watching yourself like
do you masturbate
no no no i mean
do you masturbate looking at yourself in the
mirror of course
not why would you want to
watch yourself
right i think it’s like
watching yourself
having sex and you’re trying to recreate you don’t like
watching yourself
on news radio
why would you
i’m not looking but it
doesn’t depress me
no i just don’t like
watching myself
have sex okay i see i totally see what you’re saying
i totally see what you’re saying
it’s disturbing what
about if you do pov style
that would be cool
that would be fine slap an iphone to your
chest that would be fine that
would be fine
press record slap an iphone to your
chest i do just capture as much as you do i do have one
when i was 16 or 17
you know using my dad’s vhs camera that would make
old home movies
about carrots attacking me and
stuff and i
would like set it up in my
room and stuff and i have one of like
but then i look at him like can i get in
trouble for
watching myself
you know when
you’re at 15 yeah
your child pornography of yourself right
well can i get
arrested for
myself for myself with your girlfriend
yeah yeah okay
probably right i
should destroy that tape
right well you
could get arrested probably
probably could be that’s illegal masturbation i
think it could be considered a
child pornography yeah
that’s what
they catch kids for when i
was 16 years old
could you be
charged with
for being in
possession of
child pornography well that’s what
they’re doing
of yourself kids
are getting
their cell phones
taken away and they find
photos of them
girls are getting
charged with
child pornography
does they have a
photo of themself yes
cause that photo
of themselves they sent to a boy they’re
charged with
child pornography
see so that you probably
should destroy that tape what tape
well that’s like that old
what tape isn’t it
yeah it allegedly had a tape meanwhile
how many gay guys are
searching the internet for a video of
brian at 15 masturbating
not a nice thought
no i don’t know i mean not for me personally but you
but the the the
strangest podcast ever yeah
no so wait what was the what was the thing then so uh
yeah anyways let’s change the topic right now sex tapes
sex tapes is
marijuana yeah you know the subject was
getting depressed watching yourself fuck you know
and that he should do pov style so
i love it when your song was released
and then it was destroying the charts for
tlc and then you get
trl trl and then did you were you
forced to get rid of yes i was forced to for ninety
eight degrees that whole thing was
it’s a very um
it’s a very
you know there’s a there’s a
there’s a there’s a little bit of
intrigue here yeah
it went behind the
story because there was
you know some
some things done trl that were
were not necessarily ever made public
right like okay well film me on the
what happened what happened like the l
story the l and trl isn’t necessarily
right it’s not necessarily live all the time so it
was just not on anymore no big what
was the song what was the song what happened
okay so we went to seattle and
we were filming bits in seattle and we thought hey this
would be funny to do this song
called the bum bum song one of my favorite songs this
ridiculous idea and i
would go and
it was just a
silly video me
going around some seattle
saying my bum is on the cheese my bums
on the rail my bums on the boat my bums on the duck
it was a silly
sort of like a doctor zeus
style nursery
rhyme rap i
wanna hear the
moon and the comedy of it was me out in the street
sticking my ass on
everything and
confusing people and filming the reactions right
and singing this silly song
and then we played it
on my show and we said we want this to go to number one
on total request live which is
their countdown
music show that they would have
every night
hosted by carson daly and
so we played it on seattle
radio and went
to number one instantly this was when my show was on
mtv was it was
really doing well show and
empty the show was doing well on
mtv people went to number one people saw
the absurdity of this song
knocking 98 degrees britney spears
in sync and whoever
else was on the
j low i think
out of the number one spot and
so we played on the show we
asked people to vote for it
people voted for it it went to number one on
tuesday the show i
think aired on a monday
it went to number one on a tuesday
this is the song
look at me my bum is
on the rail
my bum is on the
man remember this show
this was like
fucking a huge hit
this song was
big and this was the
first song to be
like this was
right when mp3s
just started
so it was the number one downloaded song that year
what year was this
i think 14 people
downloaded it what
year no it was
no no this was
99 to 2000 2000
99 so what happened
so they squashed your song
yeah it went to number one on tuesday then
on wednesday it was
number one again okay
and then on
thursday it was number one
again and then we got a call on
thursday at the office and they’re saying guys
we want you
to kind of play
ball with us
here and we’re
like well what’s
the deal they said well you
know we need you to go on the show on friday and retire
the bum bum song
and take it off the countdown
and we’re like
why we got the number one song in america on
mtv man yeah
right this is amazing
right make money off this
shit this is unbelievable
let’s keep it number one they go well the
thing is we’ve pre
taped the show next week
because carson’s
gonna be in san francisco and all this stuff
so it’s kind of like who we think is
going to be
and we hadn’t predicted you airing the show on
monday and it instantly
going to number one
so kind of screws up next week’s pre tape
which is all in the can
so can you go on on a friday and just retire it
will give you like a retirement home plaque
and here i was on
mtv and i had my show on
mtv and i didn’t want to get
fired right
everybody’s already mad at me
about all this other shit
screaming at me all day about
i want to suck milk out of a cow’s hudder because i
think it’ll be
crazy let’s put it on tv and they’re like
you can’t do that
we’re arguing non stop
it was like
it was the most
stressful time of my life and that’s saying something
cause i’m pretty stressed out
right now too
not right now but most of the time you know and so
i’m on the show
and i’m getting
yelled at all the time by everybody everyone’s always
screaming at each
other trying to
make the show
crazy or make it less crazy
and then so
i played ball i went and
i got a nice plaque
and i’m not even to be honest with you
well yeah you know i
think of it now i
think you know we
could have rode that
thing a little further i
could have put out record i probably
could have you know
had some fun with that but
yeah that’s what happened
that’s interesting man
you got fucks
you got fucked by the corporation
exactly it was it makes
sense though
they would probably cost him a fuckload of
money if they’d already pre taped
things yeah they
would reshoot five shows it’s like you know but how
crazy is that then now you find out what
their rankings are like it’s all they probably
had they probably
had they probably
had they probably had deals
with the record company like we need to push 98 degrees
and here’s a hundred thousand dollars we
needed to do that
probably it’s
illegal i mean that’s what
i doubt they
did that i doubt
they did that
i never heard any just making shit up no
no i’m just
throwing shit on the
table no they’re saying i have they
never did anything like that i
think it was just
basically was a very strange week and they
so if it wasn’t for that week that song
could have stayed on the
countdown and become gigantic
basically that week was a reap
probably a repeat
of the week before yeah brian
what are you doing
brian that’s
weird that’s me
screaming about
the end of the song there’s that video
going out too and that’s an ipad
which is pretty awesome yeah
it’s actually just
streaming on
the ipad but it’s not going out
pretty cool
people can hear the audio
but you know i’ve told that
story before i don’t
think anyone at
mpv cares anymore
about that it’s on
well why would they care
they fucked you
you’re the one supposed to care
you could have got paid sons out on you could
been driving that fucking song
right now yeah
in the form of a red ferrari
yeah that’s true you know what i’m saying
you could be rolling with a big fat diamond encrusted
watch man letting bitches know man
and they’d be like tom
green how’d you get so rich
bum bum song
a bum bum song was on
try to pull it off the air
into eminem songs you
know they just try to pull it off the and i was like to
keep that song
bum bum song and oh you know
those both the same song
you know when eminem rapped
eminem rap eminem took the line from
the bum bum song he says why can’t i go on tv and let
loose when it’s cool for tongue
green to hump a dead
moose my bum is on your lips
my bum is on your lips
and if you get
lucky i’ll give it a little kiss
that’s eminem doing my
buffalo songs that’s awesome yeah that’s cool and the
thing that’s
funny about that
which is really cool is that like
you know that song is like i hear that all over the
world now and
it says your name in it
right so you’re walking through
that’s when
you’re walking through like
an airport in
amsterdam or something
and it’s like you know you hear him rapping about
it’s pretty cool you
would have who
would have thought that eminem
would have book i mean
i guess it was pretty awesome when he
came out but i mean just to be around for him have you
ever met him
i have not met him no
but he let us
use that song and freddy got fingered through we had to
license it but
he doesn’t license
music out that much
he gives a sweet deal
we got to put
it in the credit roll of freddy got fingered so
that was pretty cool
thank you that is awesome
thank you that’s very cool marshall mathers yeah
no that’s pretty cool yeah
do you still write
music do you ever
think about doing another
hits you know i have a friend of mine who’s really cool
producer here in town
who i make music with sometimes his name is detail
and he does a lot of cool
music and i just do it for fun i have a little home
studio for fun
got the pro tools and the mac computer
it’s cool yeah
so you got your fingers in all aspects of show business
you’re always doing something for it’s more like a
hobby you know it’s more just a fun
thing but it’s a fun
thing you know the songs i make are so
ridiculous that they’re never
i don’t think
there ever would be
sort of any
mainstream so i
think the stand up
thing is an interesting subject because you didn’t do
stand up for a long time you did
stand up when you were like 15 16
and then you stopped for like god what 20 years
i would do it sort of occasionally but
never sort of as i had an act that i was working on
and launched
it what made you decide to want to get back into it
you know about
a boat a boat big
yeah a boot
yeah i do that
still that’s
the one that’s the one word that i get nailed on you
get out sear
you go sincere
you go deep you
drink canadian
beer a boot
you know i do what i can
do when i can
i just sort of
drink i drink
i drink when i can i do so
what happened so
well about two years ago
rob schneider came on my show as a guest
on the web show and
his brother john also came up
and i started hanging out with
those guys and
maybe about a year and a half ago john said you know
rob’s doing
stand up now
too he’s been touring all year and he said rob’s
gonna start doing
stand up you
should start doing
stand up and i thought you know this
would be a pretty cool way
first of all this isn’t something that i’ve been
thinking about
since i was a kid and i was very
intimidated by it i was afraid of it
it was in the back of my head i was kind of
thinking you know
you know i don’t know it’s just
you know i was so used to doing
the show and i remember how hard it was when i was a
teenager you know when you’re 15 years old
standing up in
front of a bunch of college kids you know
it was tough
things very stressful
thing so i’ve done it over the years hosting shows and
things like this
in front of the audience but not having the act
rob was doing it
he was going around jumping up at
clubs around town at the ice
house in pasadena
and the belly room at the comedy store and
and we were just kind of
going around trying out stuff
and it sort of instantly was
you know instantly
was something that i immediately
was kind of like i thought
i thought jeez i’m
you know why did i not
start doing this sooner this
is just such a
great thing
you know part
of it also is i’ve been living in la for 10 years
i got this web
studio in my house
you know i’m kind of
thinking you know you know
i gotta get out of the
house sometime
here in la i need something social to do that’s not
going and sit in some loud nightclub
drinking with people all
hey this is something to really kind of
wrap my hands around
i also was missing getting up in
front of an audience you know the radio
the web show is in my living room so you don’t have the
audience so it’s just been it’s been an amazing time
and you know
basically did it for
about six months and
in la just jumping
up and writing writing writing writing
lots of stuff
and i’ve taken off
i’ve got to go to australia for the first time
but you’re doing like an hour on stage
that is very few people have ever gone
from i don’t do
stand up to
i’m headlining on the road performing on
stage for an hour
it’s pretty incredible but when you used to do
about an hour and 15
when you used to do
stand up how long did you used to
do like you used to do a long long long long time ago
when i was 15
know what i was
i was like doing you know
at its peak
about 15 minutes as a middle 15 minutes middle
and middle but
it’s usually was five to
seven minutes opening act it’s amateur
night at first so tell me
how you concocted this tour i mean
how long have you been doing
stand up before you said all
right i’m gonna take this to the road now
basically what happened was
i was jumping up all around town and then norm mcdonald
asked me to open up for him
one night and do some shows with him one night
just to kind of
keep practicing and then and
i and sarah
sheregie from gersh
who came to all my shows and said you know what i’m
gonna book you on a tour
and i said well
that’s pretty cool and she now okay how many
months is this in new year’s demo i’ve been nine
months on the road and she’s been no no no no
between the time you got back on
stage and the time you
started touring how long was that
this was probably about six
months or something like that that’s crazy
so you just i
was writing every
day very much
with the intention of i want to go on the road
until it’s very
impressive it’s very
impressive that you were
able to put together over an hour of material in six
months that’s amazing
that is amazing you know i thought mike
young was doing the same jokes
again last night
yeah you’re
developing new shit out of nowhere my friend mike
young did some shit that he did nine years ago last
night you know i approached
it from a really kind of the way i approached doing my
television show or my web show very from very like and
i would you know i would
writing all the time and trying to
build up the very diligent
jumping up doing
stuff doing work
i organized it all out in
paper now how
he is that we doing yeah
just two cards
no i just in
you know for the
first for the first
for the first few
months of doing the hour set i had
a set list that actually took on
stage with me and i’d set it on the
stool so my
water on it
i do my bits and then
if i got lost i’d look down
that’s a good move
doug benson
brings in notes on
stage and goes look if you don’t want me to be
stumbled around wondering what the fuck i’m talking
about this is good but eventually
after that after a
while though i was kind of like you know i
start feeling
like it was kind of a bit of a crutch because
i like to i’m trying to be really physical
you don’t have to use it you know but
the thing the thing
about a no i don’t use note
notes but the thing
about notes the the good
thing is there you
know if you need them they’re there you know it’s like
why not have it there yeah
you know like
sometimes you’re like you know i
wanna hear like joey diaz will say
what the fuck was i talking about
what the fuck was i talking
about right
oh that’s it you tell him and then he’s got the
story and then just run and ramble on to the
story sometimes you just need a little note
yeah i think i
might start
putting new
stuff that i’ve
never done before on notes
and pulling that out
at some point or setting it there there’s something
about i can remember all the
stuff i’ve done
for once i’ve done it
three or four times i can remember it
but usually i can’t remember it there’s something
about writing
things down on
paper that’s really good for your memory too
actually the act of creating a note makes it
solidifying your mind
uh huh and when you use your memory you can like recall
like what you
wrote like you
could see that list
you know just have a set list of just your basic
that’s cool the iphone
thinks that list is cool that’s
definitely better than nothing but i
think writing something actually down on paper
seems to have the most
effect it seems to be
it sticks better yeah
so when you
wrote out your act
did you write out
a beginning
a middle and an end
did you put it all together
verbatim or do you ad lib when you’re on stage
yeah initially i sort of
i i add lip a lot on
stage but i have this sort of pretty
solid begin like
i know where i’m nowhere i’m gonna
start i know i’m
gonna do when i
start i know what i’m
gonna do when i’m finished
actually pretty much know the
order i’m gonna go in through the bits that i’ve
tried and test it
and then but then
often i’ll kind of go off into the audience between
bits for a second and
talk to some people for a
second and but
but what’s happened is it sort of
evolved over the year like
like last nine
months of doing it is
every week i’ll kind of go you know
maybe this is a little
too depressing of a subject matter to talk off the top
so then i’ll move it sort of
later in the act and
it’s kind of
it’s been fun it’s
been really fun and challenging you know doing it and
sort of shuffling
things around all the time and so
it’s been cool and i
write bits down on my phone
on the notepad in my
phone if i think something weird
and then i’ll
go home and i’ll type it up on the computer
so do you type it up as a joke or do you type out
bullet points like what do you do
i usually write it out kind of word for word
with punch lines and exactly how i’m
going to say it
and then i edit it and i get it exactly
where i want it to be and then
i try to sort of remember it
and then usually the
first time i say it on
stage i forget
about half the tag
lines forget
about half of
them and then i but i say it but then i get off the
stage and i immediately remember
oh i forgot that that that
and i think the
disappointment of forgetting them
makes it easier remember the next time
cause then i go look
at them again i go
gotta remember this tag
this line this line
and so it’s sort of it’s interesting it is interesting
cause you really
it really is kind of cool you know i mean i
again this first year
going this full time
night after
night but to
just you know when people tell you know you
gotta get up it’s like a muscle you get up on stage
you start to retain it differently
and you know
there’s been obviously periods for two
three weeks
where i haven’t done
a show this year and then you know you get back on it’s
weird you can’t remember anything
i take the cool
a week or two off all the time and when i come back on
stage i’m like i always have to do a warm up set
do something in town in la
and then it charges
it and then that’s the only time well that’s the time
where i’ll go over material just
to like familiarize myself with what i’ve been talking
about most recently
so i have like my iphone
records all my sets and i get recordings from brian too
so then i take them and i put
them on my ipod and then i just listen to my plans yeah
oh yeah so it
makes you dissect your shit it’s also uncomfortable
and audio recording
be better than
what you’re listening to you know
you want to tighten it up and this and that oh yeah
that’s cool
right you’re not hearing it for the
first time you’re hearing it for the
fucking 400th time and it’s you
you know you really
start breaking shit down so you recorded in an ipod
sometimes on my iphone sometimes i get
it from him he
you know plugs up oh yeah
p3 record that’s a good idea
that’s helpful
so you can hear the little
things that you say so you’re
enjoying it man you’re
enjoying the
whole process
yeah it’s been really really fun and you know i
think like what we were talking
about when when we were you know
having coffee
when i got here
in the kitchen you know we’re talking
about you were talking
about how it’s just nice to be in an independent thing
where you know
you want to come up with a
crazy idea it was a
funny thought
and you go up and you can try it there’s no
somebody coming
in telling you not to say this or do that
that’s the most frustrating
thing for anybody controversial like you
has got to be a
bunch of executives that have
their ideas
about what they
think is going to be
funny and they’re imposing it
look it may not be
funny for you it
might not be
funny for three people in this room
but four people in this room might
think it’s the funniest shit they’ve ever seen
and you’re going for
those four people and
these people can
never see that
all they can see is but you’re losing three
if you just took this back this person
would still like it you’d
still get the original
people and we’d have two more people that like it yeah
that’s how they
think they think in
these nutty numbers and they’re not
thinking creative and then you end up
spending most of your time dealing with that
and at the end at the end of it all you’re
never really sure you know what it
would have been if you just
sort of gone wild on your own but that’s beautiful the
great the freedom
just being on the road has been really fun it’s been
you know been really fun
it’s been a good way
i also thought it’d be cool way to go out and film
stuff for my website
cause i always wanted to
i’ve always said hey it’d be cool to take my web show
you know and go to
different cities
and and and
and see the people that
watch the web show you know people call in on
on tom green
calm you know they call in on skype i know i recognize
every show i go to it’s so
bizarre you know
every show i
go to i recognize 10 people in the audience
hey john how you doing you know i’ve never
been to the city before you know and it’s like hey
we gotta set up skype dude
we gotta do that i’m just
scared a fortune
you scared a fortune
yeah don’t be scared
oh yeah that’s fine that’s fine that’s just
it just gives you somebody to to
to you know to fuck with them you should
never admit
you’re scared of them
huh you never
admit it fucked up
i’m not scared yeah you already fucked up
you already fucked i want to join them
there we go now we’re talking
well you know the
thing is is with the i mean
to give you a little bit of
an idea here okay
so what we’ve done in my
eyesight because 4chan was
was i found
did some fairly clever and
ridiculous and absurd
prank calls
on us constantly the barrel roll yeah all this exactly
completely irrelevant
and obviously the most annoying
thing because it’s completely
irrelevant i’m sitting here with
right with a
guest right
so but that was on the
phone but on skype
it’s it’s a much more difficult for them to do that
because we’ve created a system
which i’ll tell you
about off air actually i’ll tell you
about off air
tell it off air
yeah so i’m
motherfuckers you ain’t getting
gotta stay one
stead ahead
step ahead of the 4chan guys but i’ll tell you i’ll
system for skype that you can actually
use that will help help
in that area yep
for chan don’t do it
you fucked up
you heard everybody’s ears and
you pissed a
bunch of people off
they’re coming
after you now dude
fucked up they went
after that bitch that
threw puppies in the river
they got her
was that loud fortune
got that that’s
good well tom i
think i’m losing my hearing because of
stuff like that too
yeah me too
yeah i think i’m
starting to lose
my hearing i’ve noticed a lot of times i’m in
conversations with people
and they’re talking to me as if i
should be able to hear what they’re saying
same same with me and i’m like thinking
maybe i’m just not paying attention to him
but i can’t hear them
having your ears
blown out from people like man
is that what it is
or is it just a
bunch of people that are talking all soft
right so bitch
talk like a fucking normal person
some people just
mumble certain
frequencies to
when people have to have that sort of that
frequency of
voice in the noisy area
comedy tell me about what are you talking
about on stage
how annoying is that what kind of
stuff do you talk about
that is the dumbest question i mean i know it’s like
it’s a relevant question
but for a comic what
are the things you’re talking about right now
well let me tell you i think sarah palin is
dumb yeah let me do the fit right now
which doesn’t really you know i think killer whales are
smart they shouldn’t be in pools
let me just take what’s going on
ufos a lot of ufo stuff
going on isn’t there and i go on a little ufo bit and
tell somebody exactly what you’re talking
about because i
think that people when they ask that question
you know don’t
understand how
important the audience is when you’re telling these
guys you know
it’s so much part of it so
you know you need the audience there it’s that
that’s cool so wait the ufo thing
ufo thing have
you been paying attention to what’s
going on that’s something that i want and
appointed a
liaison or a
spokesperson for the america
for the human race rather in
communication when
aliens land yeah
really it’s some yeah
some weird looking
chick she’s like very like
it’s not sarah pale very
man looking yeah yes
just and she’s
the person that they’re
gonna talk to
don’t get me
wrong she’s strange looking
she’s the person they’re
gonna talk to yeah
yeah she’s speaking for you
shouldn’t we have some sort of insane
yeah what the fuck do you win the
first fucking is that
one little on
different countries
over the world
i don’t know what the fuck
like is that
like just like oh and if we ever get attacked by
aliens you have to do this you know
maybe like a real
firefighter yeah
maybe it’s just like that’s the most
basic part like i hope so
could you imagine if that’s a fucking full time job
right you imagine if she gets like a hundred
grand a year in
benefits and i’ll just do just sit around wait for the
answer call
she’s got a
speed up reading us magazine
yeah keep up to date and what’s important
who the fuck
look the aliens don’t give a fuck
about who the leader is they don’t give a shit
if they were
gonna come here from another galaxy
they’re the leader
there is no leader you don’t get to represent like
the aliens don’t care what’s the
fucking number one ant
do you ever look at
who’s the number one ant before i kill all you people
you just kill all the ants yeah
there’s no discussion
yeah you don’t have communication with
ants over you know
who’s gonna die
and whether
or not you guys can move out no you just kill them all
and if that’s what
aliens decide to do to us well
the same thing to us that we do to
monkeys that we do to dolphins that we do to killer
whales but they
could treat us
well they should be like that
monkey that was holding the kitten the
other day they
might just come down and cradle us yeah
it might be the
exact opposite they might
just be like hey we just can want to comb your hair
fuzzy chewbacca type
creatures that come down just want to it’s
i try to keep
these thoughts
these ideas of ufos and aliens i
tried to keep them away from my consciousness because i
think they’re
giant time wasters
you know the contemplating what if the
aliens oh really
are these ufo
videos real
i’m open i’m open to the possibility that there are
aliens but i’m not
gonna sit around and
watch some fucking
lights in the sky that i don’t know what the fuck it is
and turn out
was actually a helicopter and you’re actually retarded
right you know
oh you know i mean
maybe this is
or it was a
prank or was
it like one of
those little helicopters
that he souped up and has a couple of leds but
i’m not i’m not
close to the idea that there are something
that it is possible
that there are
some sort of
intelligent life forms out there that are capable of
traveling here
whether they’re
from another planet or
another dimension
it sounds ridiculous but
everything about this life
would be ridiculous we
weren’t living it
the idea that we can get the internet
would be ridiculous if it didn’t exist
the idea that you
could send pictures from your
phone the idea that you have a phone
that fits in your pocket and you call someone in china
and talk in real time
everything is so
smug condensed
out so much
smaller now it’s also
strange that is
going to feel entirely possible there’s something
super advanced past this
you know and
they can communicate with us and it’s probably
could be here
right now watching us
but these guys that came out
today or that
you were you were talking
about last night
that are air force
generals etc that have been sworn to secrecy
for the last 50 years or whatever
that say that
you know they came and
checked out some nuclear
sites and that they shut off some nuclear weapons
and they’re all saying that this happened
do you think that happened or
it could be one of two
things well it
could be many
things one of the
things that it
could be that i always think is
maybe these guys
are like being paid
by the government to say
absolutely ridiculous things
and that nothing
ever really happened at all and what there
are is a part of some sort of a disinformation campaign
and then eventually turn out they lied
about a few details and that will discredit the whole
story and it just makes
aliens seem
more and more
ridiculous to calm people down because
there may be some
things that they can’t keep wraps on and when
those things are leaked
the best way to diffuse the impact of
some sort of a
crazy event or video
the best way to diffuse the impact
would be to show all
these other ones of similar stories that seem
absolutely ridiculous
so it automatically gets lumped into oh it’s a ufo
video oh you’re
crazy oh you believe that
and so it automatically
puts it into that category i mean that’s an effective
tactic if you were someone
like the cia
or someone in the nsa
someone who’s like of a
super intelligence community they know how to fucking
manipulate people don’t don’t make no mistake
about it they
absolutely do
so it could be that or
it could be that
these people really saw some
shit and they don’t even know what the fuck it is it
could be that
you know that they’re all crazy
there’s a bunch of
could be but
until i see something
until some shit
comes into my life i’m just wasting my time
i just i don’t want to sit around
thinking you know whether or not
half this shit is real
and rob lazar did he
really work at area 51 yeah that guy i saw that guy i
watched all i got addicted to
watching that stuff
for a good year i was addicted to
watching all this stuff
and talk this disclosure
you know they’re
gonna get they’re
gonna tell us
soon they’re just prepping us for it you know
the disclosure project
i really do hope that they tell us soon because i don’t
think they’ll be
pretty cool
man i think there’s a lot of people scrambling
trying to figure out a
bunch of different
things that don’t make
sense and i
think it’s very possible that there are some
alien life forms but i do not
think that our government has shit
under control enough to keep all that shit
under wraps
and to somehow another be communicating with
these things
i think if the government knows anything
about ufos they know
barely more than the average person knows
and they have some evidence and they keep that shit
under wraps
they have cleared up
some evidence perhaps
maybe if it’s true
maybe you hear
all the area 51 stories and the roswell stories and
the crashes
have been recovered all over the country there’s been
crashes recovered
supposedly in pennsylvania in the woods
who knows how much of that
shit’s bullshit who knows how much of that stuff is
just some sort of a prototype that
the us government was working on it didn’t work and it
crashed you know who the fuck knows kim gerald
but i’m open man i’m open to the possibility
just the fact that we
exist to ants
okay then that means the way the universe works
things become ever more complicated they keep
going in the same direction over and over
again if human beings came from amoebas
and all of a
sudden some day
evolved to become
human beings
whatever the
fuck we were as single celled organisms that
became us there’s
going to be a similar
leap of evolution from us to something else
so it literally will be the
aliens will be
treating us the same way we
treat a fucking ant colony
look at these
silly cunts
look at these
silly cunts with
their pollution
their stupid
buildings see i’m hoping what it is is
these ships that come
right they come and they
start talking to us and then eventually they start
they open up
and they come and they look exactly like us
right they look exactly like us and what it is is we
we’ve spread
maybe we’ve got
maybe they got like
ants more like ants
right they got similar
but what’s so
great about us
so then we get in this
thing and you
get to go to another planet instantly with their
technology and it’s got you know more
space it’s not all there’s no
pollution and they’ve so you know
sort of like
that’s what
i’m kind of hoping for that’s what i’m kind of
angling for
i’m hoping for
that you want utopia that’s beautiful yeah
nice and i should
write a book saying that you know it’s true and
start a cult
yeah and then
drink a bunch of
grape kool aid and
not to go crazy kool aid
yeah it was
it was a guy anna
yeah was it yeah kool aid
guyana yeah diana
tragedy jim jones
it’s amazing isn’t it that
south america rate it was south america guyana
south america was
that what friendship
guyana is in south america you heard the
audio recording right yeah
crazy so scary so scary yeah
if you don’t know the story jim jones was a cult leader
moved all of his people to guyana
whatever that is i thought it was africa
sounds african
they all drank
and they all
drank he made
them all poison themselves and then they shot a
bunch of people too he didn’t want to take the poison
it’s a congressman flew down there to see them
and you know
the way they poisoned them was they put the cyanide in
grape kool aid and that’s why
they say don’t
drink the kool aid that’s
where that saying comes from yeah and that’s the
you know the
pretty major
it resulted in a saying yeah
cultural yeah
a cultural tag don’t
relates pissed
about that too
you yeah they
must be why
would they when they’re so delicious
why would they
worry why would
they give a fuck yeah
cause they’re
connected to
a mass murder
i know for a long time i wonder how we
should research find out what
their sales were
right after the diana job
went up or down
that’s probably why hawaiian
punch was born
oh yeah probably came out
after that yeah
you think kool aid
might have just
changed their name
maybe you might be
right tom green
i think it’s a good note to end it on
absolutely this has been awesome
that’s a lot of fun we’ve been on for like a couple
hours or something
two hours that’s amazing
what’s cool because we get to go into
depth about subjects you know i find that like
when we were doing an hour we
would just start talking
about things and all of a
sudden we’d
run out of time and like why can’t we just keep
going i love
it we said that when i was on your show i was like
this is so much fun
it seems like it’d be more fun if we got to keep
nice just to get into a really yeah
so we have no
shade you have set
time really cool
thank you very much for doing it man i
appreciate you coming
i think is so awesome that i can just
run into brian
and i’d love
to have you come back and do the webo vision
definitely i’ve
seen tong green
com and you
run into each
other at a comedy club and then all of a
sudden boom
we’re hanging out in a podcast
that show that you did is actually on tom green com
right now you can go
watch it and
follow me on twitter yes
at tom green live and tom
green if you
haven’t seen his show he has a
whole web we were talking
about the show
he and i did
is a whole like
literally like a tonight show on the internet
yeah i mean
it’s a brilliant
thing and i loved it
and it inspired me to do this
that was the
first thought in my mind of putting something
together on the internet
you get my tour
dates on there come see me in san francisco
this weekend
tom green com and tang
green live it’ll link to it also but on the twitter but
i’m in cobb’s comedy club in san francisco this weekend
that’s i’ve
never been there before that’s fucking awesome yeah
great club and then
the next week
and then canada
powerful canada
he’s coming home bitches
alright thank you
very much everybody
we will see you probably
it looks like next wednesday
monday or wednesday depending on
who i can get for next week
but thanks for
tuning in and
love you bitches
i like to put my
arms on wings
it’s not on my way
my bum is on the dog my bum is on the cat
my bum is on the phone my bum is all alone