there we go
beautiful ladies and gentlemen
welcome to day
twenty five run
twenty five
week twenty five week
week twenty
five the extreme podcast we got a double podcast week
we’re getting crazy
today is my good friend mad flavor
aka joe diaz
in the motherfucking
house that’s
right funniest
human beings i’ve ever met in my life i’ve
known joey for
about a decade
oh before we go anywhere before we get started
flashlight com
we are we are sponsored by the flashlights
and this is the butthole
version of the flashlight it sponsors the podcast
if you go to joe rogan dot net
click the link you get like a discount
joey diaz have you ever seen one of those in person
let’s rip it out explain it to me
let’s talk about it here
this is the one that i haven’t fucked so you can
touch it put your finger in there and tell me that
that’s the butthole version is the butthole
but is there a vaginal
verge yes of course
they retarded
did you hide it
how perverted are they
could you imagine if the vaginal
one went out of style because nobody wanted to fuck it
it’s like everyone just wanted the asshole well
it is tighter so you think everyone
would want to fuck because everyone likes tight pussy
i guess it’s fucking square
it looks like your dicks
gotta be like a fucking square i love it
i love it this is
tremendous you gotta fuck one of these
things i’m telling are you fucking crazy
it’s way better than beating off you beat off right
so you grab it like this and just go like this yeah you
move it out yeah
show them fish in the bucket show them
fish in the bucket
take the fish
out of the bucket that’s your move dude i don’t want to
review that
check this out
how awesome is this fish in the bucket
look at that
thing that’s how you
watch it it pulls out it wiggles
oh so you come in that thing
yeah you squirt it
at the bottom
and there’s a
cap on the bottom when you undo the cap your load comes
i love hanging out with
these guys this
technology they
always keep me up this shit you know what i’m saying
yeah we’re up
to the latest this is the latest in masturbation
technology what kind of
people hanging out with i disappear a couple
weeks this is show up
with an asshole
and it was a
solid product
this is a solid product
and this product comes
under a lot of unnecessary
heat in my opinion
let me ask you
this people
what if you want to go the
other way does this come in different
colors what if you want
to fucking get
in the ass you get a
brown one you get a
hindu one we got to find that they got a hit
or a slumdog millionaire one you
know smells like a fucking lottery
ticket i bet
there’s a different a
bunch of different
colors there has we can’t just be
white yeah that’s
right this is two thousand ten you
gotta mix it up a little
what kind of shit is this i mean
yeah i guess i’ll do a black one
you know you
might as well an
asian one and with a little
muffler smell like
twice cook pork
i bet there’s a reason why like the
black ones show the crust
or how dirty it is more probably you know it gets white
i’m gonna say like you should be poor
ones a little too high
what are you talking
about yeah okay we’re on the
front page and i just see nothing but
white pussy yeah
let’s go with the private
collection they have a champagne
collection they have a loop
a version have you know who loop a is
a white pussy
the puerto rican singer from the 70s no lupe
is this new porn star they have a lupe version of the
flashlight and i was just at
hard rock x fans convention and she was there
man that chick is amazing she’s like
four feet tall
but yet the proportions
perfect of a
regular female
like everything fits perfect
she just looks like a little girl not like a midget
i wonder if you can get a blue
one so you can pretend you’re fucking that avatar chick
they have vampires they have
vampire ones they
should totally make it they have
twilight ones do you see the
twilight one
twilight they have fangs
get the fuck
they swear to
god they have fangs in the tube that goes down that
rubs against your dick has
fangs on the tube or something like that
so it’s like fucking a
vampire pussy
cause i know you like
vampires better than werewolves
have you lost your fucking mind
you’re so big
you’re out of your
mind that’s
that’s a hundred percent true
that fucking
all that is
not in werewolves huh
you do you said you like them last
week better oh my
goodness bro
and i’ve been
thinking about this
whole time because
i have not said that he likes baby you are
just making shit up
brian’s just
you didn’t say that you didn’t say you would
just rock it
back to the eighth
grade always
you’re a silly eighth grader right now
outside when you’re not supposed to be there
right you got out of the gym
you and your buddies
got high and now you’re
cracking jokes on them you’re back in columbus ohio
right now are you
wait wait wait wait what’s
going on here
your barbecued
i am barbecued
it’s alright
i know you are because i am and i’m
listening to you talking i’m like this kid’s too high i
gotta help him out here i
gotta pull them out
pull out of this conversation yeah
but they do have a vampire
flashlight that’s unbelievably ridiculous
but i’m more of a werewolf guy so that’s why it’s
ridiculous i don’t even like
vampires really
tired of vampire
movies the wolfman sucked okay
i did not like that
movie it was dumb
it just didn’t work
and i still bought the fucking blu ray
okay how about that that’s how much
i am a wizard was there any special features i
search itunes for werewolf
movies bro do you get this i
watch werewolf
movies that are terrible
you know why
because i know there’s
gonna be at
least a guy’s
gonna turn into a werewolf and fuck some people up
so you know what i do
i watch the beginning to get
their names okay this is bob
this is okay let me just know what the fuck’s going on
let me fast forward
until i see somebody turn
into a werewolf
i wanna see the fucking
the best latest
technology and
the dude turned to werewolf and just fucking people up
i just think
those are the craziest movies
the idea that
american werewolf in london got me hooked yeah
i saw that shit in 1981 and i was a werewolf fan
i was done but do they
still do all this shit like lon chaney
remember like the sun
that’s the problem with this wolfman
movie they went with a mask
it’s benicia del toro in a mask
and he’s like
and it’s lower jaw
sticks but they don’t show the
the transformation
coming out of
their arms and the fucking
thing yeah no
they do i mean there’s a lot of a lot of cool
there’s a lot of cool cgi in the
transformation but the
final product just looks
it just doesn’t look
right because it’s like he
tried to use the old wolf man from
like the nineteen forties or whatever the fuck it was
it was a claude
rains i think it was
he tried to use that version
of the wolf man
and just make a more
modern updated but
after you go to american welfare
london you can’t go backwards
you can’t because american americans
that fucking
thing was evil man it was like a dog
person demon
thing was on the four legs
is that a blur
yeah fuck yeah it’s on blu ray
i got that shit son
and like when
they’re running from it and you just see it
they did that
movie so well you don’t really get to see it that much
because the
technology was not that good
the only one time you get to actually see the werewolf
he’s going through the streets of london
snapping people’s heads off remember
when he was running through the streets and everybody’s
freaking out and
car accidents and shit
that’s the only time you get to see it moving around
every other time in the movie
it’s like you barely
see it but you see enough that it’s fucking terrifying
and the transformation
scene just off the chain
you know that’s the kind of shit that we had
in 1981 okay
now what do they have they have
vampires that don’t bite people
and werewolves
could just growl at
everybody and can change back and forth when they want
what the fuck have we come to
the fuck have we come to joey bro i can’t even i’ve
never watched the twilights
but i seen what those two little fucking half a
fruit cakes look like i can’t believe they’re vampires
in my day vampires were bad
motherfucker barnabas collins
that’s a vampire
wow you just went bebe
that guy you don’t even know that
shadows and you know when you were
vampires you fuck guys you fuck chicks
it don’t matter you’re a vampire
you ain’t gay
you just sling dick your fucking dogs
it don’t matter
you’re a fucking animal you know what i’m saying
right now gary oldman
gary oldman gary oldman
get the fuck
out you know
you gotta these vampires are too
i don’t know how to say it that to play disney
the fucking disney
it’s disney
it’s we’ve got a whole
group of kids
now that are growing up with horrible mediocre
entertainment that’s designed just for them
as opposed to when we were kids there was no
fucking kids shows you had
sesame street
you know you had
a fucking a couple
other different shows
you know that you can
watch it with a kid
oriented shows then
everything else was a fucking
adult show but the only kids show i
would watch is
betty hill like a
motherfucker anyway
was a what a fucking great
and every once in a while they show you a tito
yeah great you were six you lost your
fucking mind
for a week he was like the
first guy to figure out that very simple combination
tits tits tits and comedy
and silliness and an accent
to boot that dude started the accent way before
jimmy masala hide that english
chick to answer the phone
english people do make you
think that shit is legit let’s just
use them for
those late night infomercials it’s always
an english person describing some product like god
people pay more attention
they think they’re cooler or something
when you meet a
chick that has an accent from
over there i i don’t know but it makes her like two
levels hotter
don’t you think well you know english dude say that
to dave bishop says that of american girl oh really
american accent he said you just so hot damn
i’m your soulmate dexter
i’m your soulmate
there’s an english
chick at there’s a chinese
chick at the
y with an english accent oh that when you talk to
her you lose your fucking bird
yeah you might want to take a yoga
class with that
chick yeah no no she’s
very nice that’s a
strong that’s a
strong combo
right there
that’s a double exotic you know
that’s a proper
exotic and another exotic on top of that oh you
gotta hear it that’s a
strong one too
you know it took like that
could fuck a guy’s life up
you know you know i’m saying
sugar that breaks up with you and
starts fucking some new guy
and you know
what kind of
pussy she’s
slinging at him
you know what kind of
crazy shit she’s doing to him
you know she
said put in my ass
saying crazy shit
with that english accent to fuck you up even
worse and i’m saying yeah
you can’t eat chinese food and
watch fucking benny hill no more because you have
flashbacks it’s horrible you
know her favorite shit she likes to get fucked in the
mouth come in my mouth
was he hall
was he hot competition
yeah was that the american version of benny hill
because it seems like it was a tv show
it was a variety
show country show they used to have like songs they
would play songs they
would do like sketches
listen it was a dumbass show but when i was a kid i
enjoyed it i used
to go there for
boobs also i remember benny hill and hee hall
where my two like
i’ll watch that for i don’t know if
he had cleavage yeah
they had the
blondes with
benny hill would show you it as
cheating something
and they wouldn’t
catch it on channel 9 in
those days so
he got away with murder you know i’m saying
benny hill was the
first guy to have like a real
silly show like that with
him chasing
after girls and
you know that’s a
weird that famous
song that they use
always had a hard on
fucking stressed as hard on
this country has forgotten
about the hard
on they give no fucking respect for the hard on no more
right you’re
right benny hill always
think that’s because
there’s too many people
do you think that when when there
gets overpopulation
naturally people
get more reluctant to hide shit like that
well we took
we disregarded the hard on because they got see
alice now and shit nobody
fucking benny hill
so they’re just too common the
hard ons too common now because a big dick because of a
yeah now it don’t matter see in the old days
was a big deal it was a big deal
take fucking pills you know i’m saying
yeah like the old days a 62 year old guy
that had a hard on was like wow that guy’s excited you
wow look at him he’s got a boner
e62 what you do now is like oh that old
creep he’s on fucking viagra look at him
have you not seen
done any research on these gnc
versions of viagra that are big
right now they’re almost like you know there’s just a
bunch of vitamins and stuff like that
flashlight was telling us
about that yeah tell us
about one that works yeah and the one that actually had
viking or not viking invite
viagra in it as a can
30 percent of it was viagra
which is weird to me
no wonder why it works
right they of course they had that a
booth like that at that this x fans
party i went to
and the guys were selling it
he was like i’m no doctor i’m like yeah what’s in this
and i was looking through it and it was probably three
hundred different like roots and like like fucking bird
tears and nim
shit niagara
that’s some
shit that works
you know because all
those roots and shit
those aren’t
gonna work on a 60 year old dick
you know oh you know taking your fucking
ginkgo below
but that’s not
gonna give you a boner when you’re 80
you know right
but viagra will fucking rock it
viagra will rock it you ever
taken viagra
joey no but my uncle
72 when he tells
me the stories how he’s banging this shit out of people
my uncle fucking stays home
sunday through he walks
griffin park
every morning four miles
then he goes home eats viagra
and fuck some
chick to death
wow he’s crazy it’s good
like a thirty year old chicken just
fucks her and he
gets pastrami
goes back and fuck
remember brian holzman
i love viagra
cause now these
young girls
that go out with
these old rich guys
they have to fuck them now
remember that
betty would do
yeah and his load his load it’s like
paint that’s been sitting in your basement for a year
it’s not a fresh product
ladies and gentlemen
remember that remember that bit
brian holzman
brian holzman
ladies and gentlemen
is probably
one of the funniest guys that unfortunately you’re not
gonna hear of
or you’re not
gonna see on tv you’re not
gonna see him in a special i hope you do
unless you get at the comedy store
yeah does he
still even go there i
heard he was going to
laugh factory
unless he gives you a ticket
let her go beach
great fucking guy
is he a parking
a meter made
combination dog
catcher which how
funny is he is a fucking dog
he’s a goddamn reality show waiting to happen
why doesn’t someone follow him around he’s the
meter man dog
catcher and he’s
brian holzman
one of the funniest
comics lady get your
dog out of the
street can you
give him a fucking a camera
a kid in front of him and mic him up that’s a
great reality show somebody out there act on this kid
get a hold of
brian altman
but brian altman is like
what there’s only a few guys like that that you meet
in your life and you go man this
motherfucker like what
what happened
like why didn’t
why didn’t anybody see this why he’s so good
why doesn’t anybody see that
you know brody stevens is another one brody’s got some
stuff going on he was in the hangover and
you know he’s got
good friends that are really
funny guys respect him but
brody stevens
should be a national headliner he
should be fucking killing it
all over the country
people should be like
buying tickets to see him in advance
and looking forward to and getting
fired up that brody’s in town
but you know what the
weird thing
about brody stevens is i almost don’t want him to get
that famous because i love just
watching chelsea lately
and seeing like miscellaneous like
parts in the
movie the hangover
and stuff like that it’s like
kind of like a hidden game like find brodie stevens
out of nowhere
you know what i mean
no no no i know
obviously i don’t mean it you know
but it’s kind
of nice kind of cool only knowing who he is you know
they’ve been
tortured about this
story lately he hasn’t been getting
bots yeah brody
when we did the man show brody was the warm up guy and
his warm ups were so fucked
he can tell
the same joke ten times in a row and i’ll ask for it
you know i’ll keep yelling out
did you do any
modeling and
he’ll do his
whole fucking that
whole piece that he does
modeling beirut pakistan
i was on the
cover of camel
beach enjoy it
what’s brody stevens
twitter name when you
throw that out you know
brody steven
my brody’s friend
yeah i’m yeah
i’m brody’s friend brody’s friend
i’m brody’s friend
follow this guy this guy’s
quite the beauty
he’s a fucking
great human being and he
starts twittering at like six in the morning you know
and he has the cutest dog that has the most
human face i’ve ever seen in my life
brody’s so hilarious
i go back to seattle with brody
that’s how long i’ve
known brody when i used to
drive his car
to the gig harbor and he used to cry and i was
speeding in his car
tell us a classic brody
story time we put them in the trunk and
drove to gig harbor
he told me they take him two
hours and i said i’ll bet you any fucking amount of
money i could do it now when he’s like no you can’t
and we put them in the back seat with
blast and they kept saying
normal people don’t live like this
i’m doing 90
in the fucking
right hand lane cutting all fucking asians
he’s like stop joe diaz
i would not want to be in the
car with you reckless driving if i was high that’s the
night he stopped the show
because there was a
bunch of headshots on the wall
and he stopped
the show because there was no jews on the wall
not one fucking jew you got
black people
you got white people
where’s the jews next
time i come here i want a jew on the wall brody gets
these bad late
night spots or at
least he used to at the
store and you know sometimes you’d get up there and the
crowd would be dead there’d be no one left like
you know the show
starts at eight o’clock at
night or something like that and brody
would be on like
after 1 am like 1 45 or something like that he’d go on
and he would just start
playing the drums he would pull
chairs up and pull out his drumsticks
and start playing the drums and just
start ad libbing
and fucking around
and before you know you had a fucking show
he had assured there was
eight people there but that was a rocking
eight you know
and that’s one
thing that that creepy place
was the best for best
for giving you
those little tiny ass crowds
those tiny ass crowds
where there was no one in the
audience and people were barely paying attention but
every now and then someone
would go up
and just do something
magical in that zero crowd
eight people was all i needed joey
diaz let me tell you a
story about you let me tell the
story about you
joey diaz one
night we were at the comic
store and it was one of
those nights
where it was
just it was kind of dead was it a sunday
when you want it when you get on stage
and you were doing the
ozzy osbourne i was a
sadly the main
and it was late at
night it was late
one night nobody
this is the early day
there was the comic
store went through some dark periods
where we got real bad
crowds for a
long time you know and this was this was like
pre fear factor
right this is a long time ago yeah in between this is
really in fear factor okay so
so it’s one of
these late nights
and there’s only
maybe like fucking
literally like five audience
members left in this main room
and joey goes on stage
and joey tells him to put on was it warped
and he fucking
cranks warpig and joey fucking
sings along
takes his shirt off
and screaming into the
microphone on key with
every lyric
and the place goes
fucking bananas bananas i had to say it there
because that’s what it was everybody was going nuts
everybody came in from the fucking
kitchen all the
comics that were
still left in the
or came in to
do to the parking lot came in
by the time joey was off stage
it went from ten people to the only
thirty people that were in the
whole fucking building
and we were just clapping and
laughing it was like
there’s these
magical moments
where you know a dude just hit some rare
place on stage
where he’s just free as fuck
and that place
that place at the comic
store there was so many of
those moments
that’s what took it
when you did it it was such the
moment it was so real because there was no one there
there was no one there
it wasn’t like you could
large audiences
sometimes you can trick them
you can sing
and sound like fucking
some other singer and they clap
and they love you and in the end they give you a big
standing ovation
but it’s really a
bunch of dumb shit
you know you’ve just
entertained them
but you’re not
gonna get that kind of response out of like five people
when there’s only five people there
you gotta give him some real shit
it’s gotta come from some
crazy place inside you
when there’s like
five or six people there can be no fat in your act
that’s where your joke sounds so
gross and jokey
like all the unnecessary parts of your act
they just seem so stupid
because now you’re only talking to a few people
it teaches you
that’s one thing i give the comedy
story i’ll never take it away from the comedy
store i never hit
magical moments like that at another club
the original room
and the main room
was emphasis
on the original room
after midnight
see a lot of
comments you’ll talk to like i’m getting 12 15 spots
little do you
know for a guy like me at 12 15 spot is a gold
because i couldn’t
go in there and do what the fuck i want to do
which is really what comedy really is in a way
you know it’s unprepared you go in there
if you go up there with
three of your jokes
about me and my
girlfriend broke up it’s
gonna be a long 15 minutes you know that
and that’s what the comedy
store pulled out of you
pulled out how to
entertain for i love
going up and there be four people that’s my world
that’s my fucking world
500 that’s my
world four or five people on a tuesday
night somewhere
haha something
that’s as fun as it gets
when they start
laughing and rocking it’s so genuine
you know those moments are so genuine
there’s no fat in those
small crowds man
it’s a totally different
style of comedy
and that’s something i realized when i
started doing larger venues
it’s harder sometimes to get
you could be like one on one real with a
large venue
cause like you don’t
wanna give them too much like dead air time
you don’t wanna give them too much
time to contemplate there’s too many
people it’s just too hard to control all of them anyway
it becomes more of like a show
whereas like
if you’re doing it for like just a few people
there’s something fucking
crazy about that man
ever tell you the danger
field story
where we did comedy
like four different guys did comedy for two people
we were at the
angel fields show as far
started like you know
eight o’clock something like that
my spot was at like nine thirty
i got there at nine o’clock
and everybody’s just waiting in the in the bar
i’m like what’s
going on like no one’s here
no one no one no
crowd at all nothing
so what do we do do we
leave now we’re
gonna wait for
people to show up see if anybody shows up
so we wait okay
we’re there for
maybe 15 minutes and
a couple walks in
and there was a guy
bobby who was the doorman
this big fucking
scottish guy
he was this guy who used to do
powerlifting with fucking
bags of cement
he would take bags of cement and pour them into
those big white plastic buckets
and do fucking
powerlifting with them and he’s just
just a gorilla
just a gorilla of a man and
crazy sense of humor
so the people
probably way funnier than 99
of the comedians that ever worked in danger
fields funnier than me when i was a kid for sure
i was like how
come this guy is the doorman he’s fucking hilarious
and i’m some dildo
trying to do
stand up without a view of the world yet
and i’m the one on stage
so anyway the couple walks in and goes
come back this way
ladies and gentlemen shows not to stop
you know this
crazy scottish accent it’s terrible
impression of him by the way
pulls them down
system down the people like sit in this room like
we’re by ourselves what’s going on
ladies and gentlemen
welcome to danger fields
please welcome your host and whoever the fuck
the host was and the host goes out there by himself
and he does
stand up for this couple
and he does like
twenty minutes and then he
brings on the next act the next act is a half an hour
then he brings on the next act and he
doesn’t have an hour
and they brought on me and i did a half an hour
and i brought on somebody
else and these fucking people sat there and
watched a whole comedy show
just two people
and they sat through the
whole thing they probably felt
trapped but they
probably had a
blast too they had a
blast eventually
from a different there was some good
comics take
your water bride
there were some good
comics that
night danger
fields was a good
place to work out it’s very similar to the comic
store nobody was there that was
gonna watch you there was no industry people there
you know danger feels is not
where you’re
gonna meet your manager or your
agent it’s this
weird little club that only the
comics like
because in a
place like the
comic store
the good thing
about a lot of people like
industry won’t come to the comedy
store i’m like well
you don’t get this kind of a club
this kind of an atmosphere
if the agencies
want to come here
they don’t want to come to this kind of place
they want to come to the kind of place
where they’re
taken care of
it’s very professional
and the manager takes care of
their tab and seats them and
shakes their hand and kisses
their ass the comedy
store never give a fuck
about the agents
they don’t give a fuck
about you you don’t even get free tickets fuck you
the only way they get free tickets
is if you call in you say hey i need two tickets for my
agent then the
agent gets free tickets
the agent’s on his own he’s fucked you’re
gonna have to pay it costs 20 bucks
and this guy over
here he’s gonna take your money
they don’t do that in
other clubs
but because of that that
place was just
this place where you just saw wild shit
i saw your dick there at
least 100 times
was at least
a hundred times
where joey pulled his dick out of
jealous the one that i
like this is
this is the way i
gotta tell that’s the
first time a girl
what’s her that’s
what the fuck’s her name
the female comic
all the one that sued the
virus yes what is your
name judy judy
judy can see
ali yeah okay so this is what happens
she goes on
stage we shouldn’t have said her name
she goes on stage
so she’s she’s on stage she’s not doing very well
and we’re all
barbecued we’re high as fuck it’s
eight people it’s a monday night
you know there’s nobody there’s no one there it was a
small crowd so
while she’s on stage
joey goes into
the back area there’s like this backstage area
that’s like
in the or the or
is a small room and only seats
about a buck 50
but it does have a
stage with a little backstage area
so joey goes to the backstage area
he goes to the backstage area it takes off all his
clothes and he waits
and so she’s doing her act and when she gets to her
punch lines
she hits the
punch line and joey
opens the curtains and
shakes his dick
and then closes them up real quick
and the people go crazy
and you see this
spark in her eye
like she was
finally working
like i’m finally doing it
oh my god now i see what it’s like i
could do all
you could see her loosen up and get confident
you can see her relax
and every time she had a
punch line joey would
pop open that curtain
shakes dick
and the people were fucking
just stomping their feet
laughing slapping
their tables
she never didn’t know that you did that i don’t think
she ever knew
she never knew
you did that we couldn’t
break her heart she thought that she was on the
phone with a
she had so much
confidence the next
night remember the last the next time we saw her on
stage the same jokes just
just didn’t didn’t work
it was like
the same did just she had the magic
she had it for one night
and she didn’t even know
i wonder if she’s like
thinking about
what she ate that
night like i
gotta eat the same food
every day she’s been eating like bologna
sandwiches for the last 20 it’s hard to talk shit
about anybody who’s not
funny because nobody’s
funny in the beginning
you know it’s
like how come some people figure out how to be
funny and some people don’t
i mean funny is a strange
thing there’s some
folks that you know they
might be intelligent they
might be cool they
might but there’s something
about them that’s just not funny
you know and it’s just no
no matter how hard they try for whatever reason it just
doesn’t seem to connect
we’ve all know
guys who’ve been open micers for 20 years
right you know
those guys yeah
and they’re
happy there
some of them
some of them
still can’t figure out what the fuck it is
you know it’s weird
i’ve been following like really
weird people
on twitter lately but i’ve been following dexter’s
ex wife or i
guess wife no
spoiler alert but
you know the main girl from dexter
right on twitter
it is so weird to follow somebody
that you know
supposed to be dead or
right or that’s supposed to be like oh my god
i should be following her dexter’s
gonna get pissed you know
i saw what he did to
the neighbor you know but you know
about that dude that thought he was dexter
that dude up in
british columbia
really well i never
heard this giant
crazy dexter
fan wind up committing a murder and getting
caught for it
i do feel like
after watching that show so much that
i find myself doing
things like you know like a
like i’m always
thinking twice like what
would my dad do you know i’m like wait a
second i’m just getting the mail
you watch 10 episodes of the fucking why i one shot
stone that’s got a psychological yeah
that’s a dark show it’s kind of weird
yeah yeah it’s good though huh the first season by
the way now i could talk about it
i thought the john lithgow
season was the best
season oh okay
maybe it was i mean when i said it was only
based on the very first episode that i saw
granted i was getting a little tired of the whole
every week somebody gets murdered thing
yeah there was a formula to it
that if you get caught in that way
it’s with 20 minutes late so he’s
gonna you know 20 minutes left in the show who’s
gonna kill well you know i tell you what that
whole the smiths
third season whatever his name is
jimmy smith’s or whatever his name is
that thought that was the worst
season i hated that season yeah i did not like that
season i did not mind it
it wasn’t the best the best
season was the first one the first
one was
i understand the guy got sick
and he had some health problems but in the
first one he looked like a killer like he was
built right
i didn’t buy him when he lost all that muscle
i mean i know it sounds silly
but i just i’m like your
jiu jitsu and people and you look like a
skinny see i
never even thought he had muscle to begin with
it looks like if you look at the
first one you know what it looks like to me
like there’s dudes that you go to
jiu jitsu with and
you see him and they’re like purple belts or something
like that and you look at me like this fucking guy’s
gonna be a pain in the ass it’s
gonna be hard to roll with this guy
it’s got like a big neck
strong shoulders i’m like this is
gonna be a battle
you just look at him
that’s kind of what he looked like in the
first season he looked like a dude who was like a
sturdy dude
you know i bought that he was like this killer that
it made him look just a little more sinister
even though he was polite
he looks so much like a
victim yeah but
maybe that’s why they picked jonathan lithgow
because he’s like oh
it could be him well
here’s my problem and this is i mean
granted i’m a commentator for fucking cage
fighting but
when john lithgow
got her in that weak ass room
naked choke i
was like what the you ain’t
could put nobody
sleep with that
bitch you know it’s so
funny and in the fucking
chick with a buck
people buck they don’t just
lay there and accept the fact you’re choking them i try
let me tell you something my
daughter who she’s fucking two okay
she’s thirty pounds
she had something
stuck in her nose last night
and she had a little barbie doll shoe
and she fucking shoved it up her nose
and it was like upper nose
and she was
pawn at it and
i had to hold her down and get it out of her nose
and dude she’s fucking thirty
pounds and she’s
screaming and
freaking and kicking
and i can barely get a hold of her nose
and hold her little tiny head to pull this thing out
the john lithgow’s got some woman
a grown ass
woman who knows some
crazy man’s
about to fuck
her dead body
right and she’s just gonna go
oh my god you putting me to
sleep shut the fuck up
right we take that
right i wouldn’t
wanna grab the actor i
wanna grab the actor and just
hold them down just
start smacking them in the face you know
come on get up get up
get up have them fucking
freak out haven’t
think that you’re
gonna die like you you
might die in this
you i might not ever let you up you fuck i might just
beat the fuck out of you to
death right here
and there’s nothing you can do about it
but that’s how you feel when someone’s choking you to
death in a bathtub
you don’t just
oh he’s got me that was
stupid you know what though it’s like it’s so
funny cause while i’m
watching it
john let go doing
these moves and
stuff i’m like
thinking of you
watching this
and i’m like
ah you know joe is getting pissed right now
yeah but what’s so
funny is that you get so mad
about just a
choke that like to
me i’ll buy
the choke but
i can’t buy that fucking cell
phone looks like it was made in paintbrush
you like incoming call
where you at
when you look
at the graphics you know there’s no fucking
phone that makes that graphic
what’s cell tech
cell tech cell
tech is not a real
phone company
that’s hilarious
i just you know to me that
scene where he kills that
woman in the tub is just as unrealistic as spock
grabbing people by the neck and putting them to
sleep that’s
just like a
ninja death
touch to me people
freak the fuck out when you’re choking them
okay they hyperventilate they
kick they spaz
right you know
that’s of it that’s made by someone who’s
never seen anybody get choked
and the guy was doing it’s
never choked anybody
and there was no girls
never gonna show
that nobody
should have
been freaking the fuck out you don’t just
choke someone like that they go
crazy right
they try to survive you’re in a fucking bathtub with a
naked old dude
yeah he’s behind you and you just kind of just
yeah you would
bite that motherfucker you’d be
fighting for your life at that
point i would be more believable that he
would move his
blood samples out of the air condition unit
after the first
second third
or fourth time see i’m
thinking more of shit like that i’m like
come on you take your fucking
blood samples you put
underneath the
or something yeah i didn’t need that
little thing that evidence the little
thing that he
you know the
trophies right
but i guess that’s a
thing that serial killers do though well yeah i
agree but you know
i look at a show like that but then you last week
eddie said that he liked true
blood and and
i just get so
angry i’ve been
fighting people off twitter all week
about true blood
lovers another goddamn
vampire show how many
vampire shows are there now there’s a
new one there’s
a new one yeah
what the fuck and what happened
to the fucking
tapes what happened to the
black shirt with the fucking
thing what happened to the
thing that they
hypnotize you with
they just fucking evolved
that’s it no
kate no nothing they show up with fucking pale
that robert pattinson
looks like he’s been getting
punched in the nose another fucking kid
and the chick i don’t know bro i don’t even play the
vampire thing
i don’t even
fucking go there i don’t go halfway there
my wife watches true but i
leave the fucking house you
understand me on
sunday nights i don’t like none of that shit
i don’t know
where it came from it just
snuck up on us like fuck i know it’s
crazy i don’t
know a swarm of
vampires cw
got a show now
abc got a show
everybody got a show
about that and i don’t
listen bro i don’t know
i’m out of my fuck
what is what’s that
other popular show with kids
right now there’s another
vampire show it’s
vampire diaries vampire
diaries that one
what the fuck then there’s another one that’s just
about to start that’s
brand new that’s coming out
soon can you have too many fucking vent
will there be a bounce back can we expect
i don’t know because there’s
people in the chat room they’re saying dude true
blood is legit you know
they just don’t
fucking get what
we’re talking about
just the fact
that there’s a chat room that people are talking about
fucking kills me
right there that destroyed my internet
life is too goddamn easy people are soft as fuck
they are soft as
shit on a hot summer
day christ people are
fucking soft and they’re not even interesting fucking
vampires that’s what i’m saying to you they have no
character well they don’t tell
anybody they live off
and well at
least the twilight ones
lives off animals
and he can go outside in the daytime
what you know what they’ve done they’ve pretty much
taken the soap
opera a dying
thing they’ve
taken off the evil guy with the
patch made him a
vampire yeah
and that’s what the shows you guys are watching
is fucking soap
operas of vampires
no guys i’m not
gonna lie i bought
i bought the fucking movie
with wesley
slice spade oh
blade david spade
blade spade
let me tell you
if spain wasn’t a name for a
black guy wouldn’t be nearly as
well he fucking
met with the
chinese people i bought that shit i was like those
oh dude i was a huge
blade i was a big boy i love when
i was a kid
but that’s it that’s
where it ends
i don’t want to see all this new shit
guys are a rust
defying hand true
blood to the
vampires that’s bullshit
yeah i don’t like that shit scares
me i don’t fucking
people i was a
kid blade was my one of my favorite
comic book characters
that was a badass
yeah he’s black and he used to have
a little knives made out of teak wood
he would kill people with teak because
they were all vampires
would kill him with wood so he had wood knives
made out of this really hard wood i love that
everything else i got to tell you guys i don’t even go
hallium fucking
they change so much
about the whole
vampire lore
i mean the whole
thing what the fuck happened to
they just blow this
motherfucker up seattle
now i want to see
where the fuck the app
phone on the iphone is the fucking
when i was a kid you want to see a vampire we
gotta go to
now they don’t even talk
about fucking
just disappeared
go look at that fucking
where the fuck is it’s in a
russian people like they had
an accent and shit like that
where they were from bulgaria
all of a sudden now they fucking spell
so if i was a
smart man everyone
should like bet
money what the next
monsters gonna be
you know it’s you know like it’s not gonna be
vampires what’s the next
thing like bigfoots
gonna come back make a comeback or so
there’s another
vampire thing by
guillermo del toro
i don’t know
how to say his name how do you say his name
guillermo guillermo
guillermo del toro
he wrote a book called the
strain and i read the book
it wasn’t that good it
started off really good it
started off like wow this is a
crazy ass vampire
movie like this is like really suspenseful
but then towards the
end it was almost like he was just trying to finish it
it’s like you know and then the guy jumps out of
the car the guy kills him it was like it was really bad
the end like towards
the end like it’s almost like he was trying to jam
a six series book
or a two or three
series book rather
into one book
so it dies but they’re
gonna do something with that they’re
gonna make that some sort of
a big event but at
least he’s a murderous evil fucking
vampire and then
he runs you know
like takes over new york city
it’s pretty crazy shit
but it just ends bad you know
maybe if they can fix the ending
but in the writing in the script
maybe it was
creatively directed
and they did a good job with it but
the writing was just
kind of clumsy at the end
but what is it
about people that are fucking obsessed with
vampires out of
all the animal
monsters all the
things to be worried
about in the world
why would it be
vampires it’s not that they’re obsessed
it’s the hot
thing right now
in two years this vampire
thing will be gone twilight
those two fucking
hafafags will be dead somewhere yeah i’m telling you i
think it’s gonna keep
going you know why i
think it’s gonna keep going
sex in the city
i didn’t understand
sex in the city i couldn’t believe that i mean
i watched a couple times i’m like yeah it’s
kind of a cool show but it’s not just
that people like it but they go fucking
crazy for it
girls love they respond to it like
it resonates
in them in a way that a guy can’t understand
you know took out your eye you
watch you go that’s funny show
but to them
it’s like a movement it’s like something that like
validates them like this fucking
movie the last one when they went to dubai
i saw more people get
fired up about
going to cj
city no you saw it though
right we talked
about that was it terrible
no it’s not bad wasn’t bad
not bad it’s not
bad i seen the
first one on
cable when the
second one came out
i was in a hotel room
you know it wasn’t bad guys i think
what that is and then
we talked about it for two
hours that’s the kind of
resonating to
entertainment for women
okay that twilight is for like
young girls
and young girl not just
young girls
women in their 30s yeah
women in their 40s yeah
it’s a romantic aspect
to the vampires that
there’s something in the
right i know how we can do it we can kill
vampires today guys we make a
movie about
vampires that cheat
i don’t know
guys vampires are
cheaters i don’t
want to be an asshole i don’t i never watch the
movies and they suck what is
what is the don’t even suck
blood what is suck cock
the whole thing of twilight
well they’re vampires
there’s a family of vampires
and they try not to eat people because they’re nice
but why are the
women in love with them is because
they see he’s
super romantic
like the you
read the book it’s all
about him being he’s really romantic
you know he’s this guy that
lived hundreds
of years ago meanwhile he’s a fucking pedo
he’s banging some high
school chick
now the whole
thing is kinda creepy
when you think
about it i mean the guy’s fucking 300 years
old and he’s hanging out with some 17 year old chick
what the fuck do you have to say to a
chick who’s 17 when you’re 300
my problem now is the
chick in that
movie you know what i’m saying
i think that
what the fuck do you have to say the biggest problem
in those movies is the
chick though she
chose somebody that’s dead instead of
somebody that just turns into a dog once in a
while but he’s alive
could you imagine if that
chick was trying to talk to you about some
stupid new song
that was out like oh my god i love this song
and be like bitch
i was around when they didn’t have cars
do you understand that i there was no
when i was born my friends had a fucking triangle that
was it yeah
we used to find our way across
oceans by staring at the stars
what do you want to talk to me about you
stupid fuck
he would just kill her and eat her
he wouldn’t be able to take that bullshit
three hundred year old man talking to a
seventeen year old girl
can you’re forty four years old
can you talk to a
seventeen year old
fuck you could talk to her like
she’s a nice kid like
so what do you want to do when you get out of college
so what are you
thinking about that
sounds cool yeah well that’s a child
this guy’s banging her
this is this is a
stupid ass fucking movie
it’s the premise is
absolutely completely
ridiculous it
would have been way better if it was a grown
woman like in her twenties or thirties or something
gets divorce branches out her own meets a
vampire falls in love that would work
just fucking high
school check
he’s going to high school
and he’s banging a
seventeen year old and no one
thinks that’s crazy
about the fact
he’s interested in her she’s fascinating to him
it’s a fucking baby it’s a baby
imagine how
young a seventeen year old girl is
to you you’re forty four
what the fuck
would it be if you were
three hundred
you know i mean
what are you
talking about what my
balls look like if i was 300
that motherfucker could
speak latin
and he’s talking to the 7
and if you’re 300
years old you’d be fucking
black chicks by then you know you’d be done with the
white race all together you’d be like fucking
maybe getting the darkest black right why
does that happen with so many older italian guys
like deniro type guys
oh yeah bill mars all black yeah
they just go fuck white bitches
i’m tired of it
i’m tired of it you don’t wanna get freaky
you wanna complain
you don’t wanna shake that ass
you’re not down for the
party get the fuck out go go i’m done i’m done alan
thicke’s all black too i heard alan
thicke alan
thicke is a cool motherfucker
i get on the side we had alan thicke on
we had him on fear factor
he did celebrity edition that dude is funny as fuck
smooth professional always got a smile on his face
one liners just coming left and right
totally naturally i was getting hilarious
hilarious would you say i was kidding
about that on thick thing
oh you didn’t make up something
about it but what about this chick
that went around the world in the raft fill me oh
that poor show
me the fuck
you know we
quit letting these
stupid young
chicks get on rafts just because they want to
break records there has to be like laws
against it savron they put it back on the boat and
yeah it’s fucking retarded
that’s what that’s what farmville is for chick
well you know what man it’s irresponsible of our
parents man it’s just flat out is there’s no way you
can have your shit totally together at sixteen years of
age there’s no way
you should be allowed not just out there
living in an
apartment by yourself or staying in a
hotel room by yourself unsupervised
you know you
might be a little bit naive
about the way the
world works you
might not have ever been fucked over
you might not
truly understand like how
deceptive people can be you shouldn’t
even let your 16 year old be by yourself in a big city
you’re gonna let her out in the
ocean you crazy fuck
you’re gonna let her get on a boat now
where did this
start it started
right here she’s
apparently like a really good boater oh
what location i don’t know
start counting them
where she going now she’s
i just want to know where it
started and
where it’s supposed i just
i just looking
pictures of her yeah i just want to know where
it ends what’s the
same what’s the
story brian 16 year old girl
16 year old girl lost
see but will
see butthole but two words two holes
first one teen
cell or lots of c
now click on images and send let me
know that there’s a butthole okay hold on
by the way have you seen that
miley cyrus perez hill this
shit blew over
we were talking about this is high
level internet geek shit that
brian is throwing at you
brian probably does this with every
story in the news always
adds i just want to see who
gets it searches
who gets the first buckle
someone will
put up a goatsy and attach it somehow with tags and it
will be on google images and he’ll hack his way out of
first position
absolutely know what happened
my girl miley cyrus
yeah so chris hilton
was showing
miley cyrus’s
vajayjay on his
website there’s a
picture of it someone took a
picture of it i don’t know alright so
miley cyrus was getting out of a car and there was
like a britney
spears crotch shot and
president put on his website he twittered it
and then a couple
hours later
the picture
was taken down from twitpick or whatever
you put it up
now the picture is fucking vagina
or whatever her name is
miley cyrus’s vagina
and people are like saying
that’s child porn
she’s 17 and
stuff like that
so then there was
this whole movement showing
the other pictures from that day
like minutes or
seconds before
and it shows her having
underwear on now
perez went on his website saying today
hey that’s not a real
picture blah blah blah it’s been
photoshopped blah blah blah
right right so
but then you go to what would
tyler durden do wtd com
and there’s
pictures of her from the same
shoot where he
doesn’t show the underwear
like you can’t see the
underwear anymore
so you think the
underwear was so
now it’s doing that
whole shit when britney spears
people did this too
they’re fucking putting fake
photos out to
cover up fake or real photos
right so that
snopes or something grabs it
and looks at
it and go oh that’s not really her vagina
yeah and it’s probably
crazy love to
do the opposite it
praises people probably too
well they should be he’s pretty web savvy
right me owns a
giant website even
if you put up a
photo of a fake
vagina on a
seventeen year old i believe it’s illegal
absolutely it’s illegal
well that’s why
on the board the mods have pulled
pictures down many times
where it was
girls that even just looked like they were
under eighteen
you know because
you don’t want to get caught with that kind
of shit man that’s some serious serious serious shit
even just like a fake
picture of a
young girl’s pussy
can get you locked up you
got a lot of problems
praise is a fucking retard
dude when he used to make fun of adam sandler’s kid
and doing all that bullshit that’s just you know
that dude just
needs to be shut up he
would be a benefit from
three years in jail i think
well that’s why that dude beat him up with the
black eyed peas whatever that’s
embarrassing listening to him
afterwards was so
ridiculous when you sit on the
couch going violence is
never the answer oh
my god yes it is
the fuck beat out of you
you want you want to fuck with people people
gonna hit you in the head
stupid the only
thing that protects you from that is the law
right that’s it
human beings want us
they want to pass that they want to just
find their way around that they want to
cause you pain you know why because
you’re putting out a lot of negative energy you know
what i want to see
jonathan lithgow
and perez in a bathtub him
choke him out from behind
so i see that
do you think that he
would struggle
no i think he
would just let it go
let it happen
do you think his butthole
would open up like a flower
flashlight and just lock
a hole to lithgow’s body and pull him into his asshole
there’s garbage disposal
his buttholes
got fucking
shark teeth in and shit just
gross so fucking
disgusting that perez
help me bro
he is so fucking disgusting as a
human being
i look at him
i don’t get it
that whole his
whole site is set up to be mean to people
and some of it’s
funny i think some of what he says is funny
but i mean i
think he could all i mean i
think we could all benefit
from a little less negativity in the
world let me
tell you something the negativity the mean
shit died by the side i know
the mean shit
doesn’t make me laugh
you know when he
shits on people’s kids being ugly or
you know call certain
women ugly you
know you don’t like the way they look who gives a fuck
unless you’re saying something really funny
you know you
shouldn’t shouldn’t shit on them like that shit on
things they can’t control what
their fucking kids look like like really
that’s just negative
you know it’s not
and the people that
enjoy that are cunts
they’re cunts the people that don’t feel bad
when someone shit on someone’s kids like whoa really
you know because they’re ugly man
what was you saying
about sandler’s kid
i used to say it was ugly
and blah blah blah and making fun of how she looked
a kid not adam sandler
his kids he’s
probably had a lot of people fuck with him
in his life
and he’s probably got a lot of pent up hostility
if i had a guess
i can’t wait to one of the
fucking rappers who don’t give
a fuck yeah
that’s what happened the will i am
thing they were so
lucky that that was outside
yeah but will i am so lucky
that ain’t enough you know i’m saying
it wasn’t will i am it was another one
because you know what he
will i am said you know
i’m a fucking
artist like respect me i’m an artist he goes
you’re not a fucking artist you’re a fucking faggot
and someone went oh no
bam this fucking hand came out of nowhere and clips him
i mean the dude
barely got hit
okay it was a scratch a tiny little scratch
violence it was nothing and he’s
screaming the next day
this is never the answer
it was like another version of
leave britney
alone it was so
ridiculous yeah
it was like that and i wonder if he was
thinking like
oh my god i’m
gonna do this britney thing
i think every
person at one
point in life needs to get
their ass kicked
you know i get my ass kicked all the time in
jiu jitsu and i
think that is very
good for you it’s very humbling to get your ass kicked
and when dudes have
never experienced
the frustration and
anger of another dude
on them taking out the physical form if you
never experienced that
you’re gonna talk a lot of
stupid shit
you know you’re
gonna get mean to people for no reason you’re not
gonna be civil
when you can be you have the
option to be a nice person you’re choosing not to be
and you’re making
it a pain in the ass for all the rest of us
someone’s gonna
punch you in your fucking head
alright and if no one’s around you’re fucked okay
no one’s around and they find you
and you’ve been mean to people for no fucking reason
talk shit on someone’s kid they
might kick you in the dick or they’re
gonna cover
their whole
kitchen with plastic and when he’s
going inside the
kitchen he’s
gonna come up from behind him with a
syringe into the neck
and he’s gonna wake up
covered up in
well you know he’s part of that movement
you guys part of that movement
where they say shit to you
and they think
that cool and then when
you smack them they down 911
well you know what fuck this
night there’s
a living in it though see there’s a living in it people
enjoy it they
enjoy all this
mean shit and
that’s that’s what the problem is the problem is that
and i’m as guilty of
it as anyone i’m not i’m not saying you know that i’m
above this in any way
shape or form because i’m
definitely not
i’ll go to those sites
i’ll go to i’ll pick up us weekly if i’m taking a shit
i see an us week
liam my guy who’s fucking up who’s doing something mean
who’s an asshole who’s getting sued
you know i drop
cum coming out of your
mouth all the time oh how rude
but you know what i’m saying i mean it’s just
there’s a part of us that likes
likes getting
upset at people there’s a part of us that likes
going fuck you man
you fucking
loser you posted before
there’s a guy on twitter you posted before
that i was gonna come up
everybody put some nice
stuff on there
one guy said fuck you tubby
you know of course
but what kills me is if you’re
gonna be a tough guy come out of the fucking internet
there’s a million
tough guys on the internet
well there’s a million fucking
tough guys on
the internet and when you tell them to go fuck their
mother in the ass
then you never hear from them
again see i don’t fuck around i tell them exactly
go light your mother’s
pussy on fire
or whatever then they don’t bother me no more this
stuff that i don’t like
okay there’s
stuff that i don’t
like i don’t really fuck with it that much you know
i lie i got into it
with a kid from
my hometown on facebook couple fucking weeks ago
a bible beater
20 years ago i was set he was selling me quaaludes
now he’s telling me that i shouldn’t
curse on facebook
uh you know
those motherfuckers i hate all that shit you
wanna hear some
negativity on the internet this is a hilarious story
and this happened
this weekend i was in
vancouver for the ufc
and apparently
i got in an elevator with some dude
and the dude didn’t say
hi to me or nothing but he said i gave him this look
like i didn’t like him
or like you know like
back the fuck off look
and then he says that he said
take care guys and then we said nothing
and then he left
the elevator like wow joe rogan’s a fucking asshole
so he goes online and makes this whole
read about me being
in an elevator with him and no conversation taking
place at all
but me being
this asshole like i’m giving him this look i
think i’m a badass and i got
short man syndrome and you know
fucking i got problems
communicating with people like it was
crazy shit and i’m like if i saw you
if you said something to me anything
if you said you know take care i
would definitely say you too man
i always say that
i i cannot you i could fucking hate you
and if you said take care man have a good day
i beg alright dude
take it easy
i would fucking respond to you i wouldn’t just
stand there
stone faced even if i fucking hated you i
would say something
i’m not a mean person
i’m not the type of person that does shit like that
so it was either one or two
things happened either he
said it and
i didn’t hear it or i responded like our dude take care
and he didn’t hear that
either one and the dude was high
there’s the other
thing so he was probably a little bit paranoid and
a little bit starstruck
but he makes this
crazy fucking thread
and then i tell him
you know i get on i said hey i’m
sorry you had a bad
experience but it was probably misunderstanding
i’m a nice guy
if you’re nice to me if you’re not retarded
you know and you’re cool to me i’m
gonna be cool to you back
i try to be cool to everybody
like it was just a misunderstanding
well the threat
he says alright cool man
sorry no big deal
well the threat keeps
going on and on and on
and he keeps commenting on it
like he keeps
going back to it and back to it like i did something
to him and then finally i come back and i go listen man
i go you’re out
of line i go nothing happened you’re making this threat
about a conversation that didn’t take
place do you
understand we didn’t even say a word to each
other like this is
crazy you’re
still going on about this
and then he comes back
fuck you i’m out of line you fucking piece
shit wow you
you fucking
short man syndrome you like one of
those chachis wear
those tight
shirts and you walk around like you’re fucking bad how
crazy is that
and i’m one well you
can’t back down now you know he has like this honor not
crazy yeah this is
out of nowhere
i mean i’m not saying anything negative to
say i’m saying he’s out of line that’s
for the guys
the elevator
with three other people
me and eddie baba okay
so who the fuck is he anyway yeah
i’m on the phone
on the way here
i stopped i’m talking to somebody
and the next
thing you know somebody comes up to me
no excuse me
i would never come up to somebody
but that’s the new trend
i’m here you joe wilkinson
you have to say something
i don’t think it was that this is what i
think it was i
think he was
a little high he was a little paranoid and i
think he’s a little sensitive and
you know sometimes people
think that people
think they’re better than you
and that fucking sucks nobody wants to be around some
if i’m around someone like an
actor someone and they get douchey i’ll say something
stupid to him
you know if i’m around some asshole actor it’s
one of the reasons why i don’t like being around actors
a lot of them play fucking games they say
stupid shit to you
they said like i was on a set with this one guy once
and we were
about to do the
scene and i’m just being cool with them all
right dude and he’s
about to walk away and he goes you have almost no hair
and he walks away i go what
like what would you say nothing
and just walks away
like he said something
to try to fuck with my head before i did the scene
like picking on my hair for falling out
so then i saw him the next day
and it was still in my head and he
started to try to fuck with me again
and then i just
said something to him like dude don’t fucking get
stupid with me
you know don’t
play little insult games with me
i go you and i will
never have a real conversation ever
again alright you know why
cause you’re a fucking
idiot i was nice to you
and you came with this you know
it wasn’t like
a joke it was like he said something like a little
slightly insulting thing
and then walked away
i mean you could say that
dude your hair’s falling out i’m like fuck you you ugly
bitch you got a
mirror and we
could be joking with each
other and we
could be friends
but when i know that someone’s
trying to fuck with me like why are you doing that
this isn’t funny
like you’re trying to be shitty with me
that happens with actors all the time
with actors you’re always dealing with little
psychological bullshit
they’re all fucking
tweaked out and
freaked out because they don’t create
anything they have to have someone come to them with
scripts and
ideas and pick them and choose them
it’s like the only art form
where somebody has to pick you
so you can perform
you know i mean if you’re a fucking
musician you do your goddamn
music you make your own shit
your comic you
write your own jokes
if you’re an actor
you have to sit
around and wait for someone to give you a role you know
i guess you
could put together your own shit and
throw it up on youtube if you want to get
crazy i ran into something that goes
along this whole line the same
couple days ago
this guy i know
wrote something to a friend of mine
that was so fucked up
like and so i took a
screenshot of it
he wrote you’re a
dirty fucking whore
your tits look like shit
obviously you’re desperate for attention get a life
three minutes
later he wrote
you are so desperate for your attention your
tits you post look like shit you’re a
funny girl who is lonely
so this guy i’m like who the fuck is this guy and i’m
going somehow he has
connection with
opie and anthony not really sure how yet
but then i go through and he has this fucking envelope
where has his full address
and so dexter
style i googled his address
fucking took a
picture of his house
and on another twitter account sent it to him and goes
that’s a very rude
thing to say
now he deleted all those
posts and stuff like
that oh my god
how you doing
his latest tweets i’ve been
i feel really sick i’ve
never been this sick in my life and
stuff oh you
freaked him the fuck out yeah
and it’s so
crazy because he has like his
pictures and his
whole twitter
is a real twitter and he’s a family guy as a
a daughter he’s a son
nothing how do you do this when you have a
daughter dude that’s
so sad but i’m really interested to find out what his
connection to the open anthony show is
cause he has all
these shots from like in the
studio with jim norton
blah blah blah
oh yeah you can find out i
know you got
pictures of them and
everything oh yeah i’m looking at it
right now okay well
we’ll send it to anthony
anthony tell us or
jimmy will tell us yeah wow
crazy people so this guy
i got on afterwards and he goes back and forth and
starts bringing up a
video of me
being an asshole to some guy from like nine years ago
as proof that i’m a douchebag i’m like
you’re trying to distract from our conversation like
we didn’t have
a conversation
all right there was nothing took
place and you made this
whole threat
about it now you’re
screaming and
swearing at me and insulting me
like this is craziness do you
understand this
and so he actually came on and apologized
and then i came on and said it’s all good
no harm done it’s just i think
it sucks when
because the fucking thread by this time
everyone’s piling on
everyone is like you insecure
piece of shit like what the fuck is
wrong with you like what are you crazy
like so many people are saying the guys crazy
and a few people i’m saying i met joe rogan
is a douchebag
someone like making up stories i just told this
fighter not to sign my autograph
which is just
fucking crazy pre
horse shit so anyway the dude
he apologizes and i say it’s all good you know i
think that we all learn
from being criticized
you know i don’t it
doesn’t feel good to say people
to hear people say you suck and to hear people you know
call you piece of shit and
and criticize you but it’s good
because when you realize that you’re having a negative
effect on people it makes you think
what is this
effect that i’m not seeing
i’m thinking i’m doing the
right thing i’m
thinking i’m living my life
what am i doing that’s making people so
upset with me
is it real what is it
is there is it a jealousy
issue is it a
alpha male issue is it a
am i being too
insensitive like what is it
i think it sucks to admit
that we all have like little little issues
but being criticized like
especially online i
think it accelerates your social development
cause it makes you
a little bit more
aware of what a
bunch of anonymous people really
truly feel about what you say
you know you don’t get that too much in real life you
know in real life you know there’s a lot of people that
especially like
until the internet came around
they were there
you know they
could bullshit
their way through
you know you
could bullshit your way and charm people but you can’t
fucking charm anonymous douchebags on the internet
anonymous douchebags on the internet will go
fuck you you fucking hack you suck
you know you’re nothing you’re a
loser you’re
gonna die like that like they’ll go
after you man they’ll go after you
but you develop two
things one you develop
a thick skin from that
where like it
doesn’t hurt anymore now it just feels
weird it’s like what is this guy doing it doesn’t
yeah what would
make you do something like that in the middle you
gotta have hate
because there’s
gotta be something
wrong with you
so what i got on
elevator with a guy having a
good day guys they didn’t hear me or whatever i get off
i go home it’s like the people go to comedy clubs and
write a letter
saying that you insulted them
that you wrote a joke or you said something on stage
what would make you go home and
write a fucking letter
about your experience in a comedy
club because
somebody said that
well here’s a lady that wrote
did i ever tell you the time that a lady
wrote about my retarded jesus joke
remember my retired cheese
i had a joke
about cloning because
there was a
group called the
second coming project
second coming project
they were going to take some dna from the shroud of
turin or some
other religious artifacts and try to
clone jesus
and they thought that that
would be the
bring back of the
messiah that
would be the
second coming
would actually be through science and that they
would clone
jesus and so
i wrote this joke about you
know cloning has not been perfected yet like dolly the
sheep she had all sorts of genetic issues and she died
young and that was considered a
success there’s a lot of failures i’m sure that we
never heard
about there were
horrible genetic disasters and fucking
monsters and shit
i’m like what if they
clone jesus and the
first one comes out retarded
i mean that’s possible you have down
syndrome what do they do they kill it
they start from scratch
or they just go
yeah maybe it’s a test it’s a test he’s testing us
instead of turning
water into wine he turns like dog shit into cookies
and i had this
whole thing where they were following jesus
everywhere i was like i want to go to the park today
don’t you think we should seal the
hip you know heal the sick or help no no no the park
so they’re waiting for him to come up with you know
the fucking answer
great humanity
well this woman got so mad she got so mad she
wrote this fucking
shoot this was i thought was really funny
about it she said
not only did he tell
this horrible joke but when the audience didn’t respond
he insisted on talking
about the same subject
instead of moving on
like she was
upset that i
wouldn’t move on like
her version
of comedy is you got to do what the audience wants
like you’re
not supposed to be coming from your own head
you only do what they like you know it’s like you’re
a band they can yell out you know do hot for teacher
and you have to some hot
for teacher
you know like
i thought it was
funny and there was people that were laughing
that’s the same
woman that doesn’t change the
radio station when
they’re talking
about boobs on the opianes
is fucking reach that’s
that’s a former retard
right there yeah well it’s also a person who’s very
self righteous
cause she thinks that she can get away
with telling people what to say and what not to say
you don’t have to like comedy
you don’t have to like my comedy it’s not for everybody
but just just
either shut up or
leave you know
don’t fucking get
angry don’t yell shit out of me
cause she’s yelling at me stop
and stop stop
like i’m talking
about your fake guy
sorry i’m talking
about a fake retarded guy that i made up
that’s killing you
remember remember one of the remember one of the
first videos i filmed for you
was i was sitting behind a guy and he was getting so
upset oh yeah
watching your show
i was filming his legs
starting to flinch
he was like fucking looking around that was
the noah’s ark shit
was it yeah he
wrote a like this long
page letter a couple days
later and we’ve had a
bunch of letters
hey joey where does the phrase when you say science
where did that originally come from
thomas dolby
thomas dolby she
blind me with science
science okay
if you ever seen the
video the guy was
our answer to
the scientist on tv in england
he’s old if you see the
video he would just yell
science that guy’s a real
he’s like our bill
nye the science guy
frank video
oh what i wanted to talk
about while we were talking
about the whole
jesus thing that i almost forgot was that
giant fucking statue
in columbus
was it columbus no cincinnati
cincinnati this fucking 70 foot
jesus got hit by
lightning caught on fire
and right across the
street from it was a big billboard for the hustler
store i love it the hustler store
like the hustler
store billboard
not a scratch i love the
quote yeah it was like
i think it’s kind of messed up that the hustler
billboard didn’t
catch on fire that’s just not
right yeah one guy said my favorite
quote one guy said i didn’t
expect that yeah
i didn’t expect
that i didn’t
expect that
i thought the
magic man was
gonna be i mean the
stupidest thing
about it is you’re not supposed to make
like idols of
jesus isn’t that like even
in the bible
you’re not supposed to like mace
you’re not supposed
to make churches even
doesn’t that say in the
bible that he’d rather have you
do it under a tree than
break wood or something like that
to make a church or
something like that
something like that
i don’t know i cannot
quote the bible
and i just i don’t know if a
guy makes no
money at the park you know what i’m saying
i don’t know a goddamn
thing in it anymore i read it when i was younger
when i lived in florida they made us read
it they didn’t make us read it but they gave it to us
and they gave us an opportunity to read it
they handed out
bibles in the class and
i went from san francisco to florida and san francisco
super liberal
had gay neighbors
my aunt used to go next door and
smoke weed with gay neighbors and they
would get naked and play the bongos together
so i was like around all
these hippies
and war protest type people in san francisco
so i moved from there to like
super religious retard florida
so i’m like
right around retards and they’re handed out
bibles and this one kid he gets his bible
i swear to god the word fucking
11 okay he gets his
bible i’ll never forget this he goes
i likes to read the bible
that’s what he said i likes to read the bible
and then he sits there all like
crazy like excited to be reading this book like whoa
what that fucking kids face
and what he said
burned into my head forever
definitely a wapner
definitely a wapner
i went to catholic
school and i don’t remember shit from that
bible it’s so fucking
three four years i went to catholic
school and i went to a boarding
catholic school
it’s so fucked up that
that people
should allow anyone to push
any ideology on
their kids everybody
thinks that
like having your kids grow up religion is no big deal
and you know it’s good for them
i agree to give
your kids some
morals and set some standards
of behavior
and to tell them
about communicating with people that
what’s important is you be positive you do good
things be a good person
and spread out that good energy
spread out love
but to make the kid
have them go to any fucking
super religious
school you’re gonna fuck
their programming up so bad
you know but no one is objective enough to see that
people just want to have good kids and they want to
carry on the tradition that
their family has seems like
religion as a
child should
start off as
in a different religion
and then move on to christianity or whatever like it
should start off as buddhist like
you know just
teaching to
be a good person and then you get into like the
what they should do is
teach you the different principles of each religion
and not say either one of them is the fucking answer
right there’s too many of them
you look at all the good
aspects of all the different religions and say well
where did all this come from
we don’t know
we don’t know
where it came from we assume
it came from some wise people
that got through
a lot of conflict and figured out some way to live life
and then they
wrote it down and some of it makes a lot of
sense even today
but when the book that you’re basing
everything on includes
treating women as
second class citizens
condoning slavery
murder a fucking
angry god who punishes people by
death and you’re
gonna burn in a fucking fiery hell
and come on just shut the fuck up just stop it
you’re talking
goofy nonsense
you know you
gotta show me something
you gotta show me a fucking youtube clip
you gotta show me something before i
wanna believe in this kind of goofy shit
this is silly
but in 2010
we still let that slide we
still say well you know
everyone has their own
freedom of religion do whatever you want but
if you start saying like
stop this is fucking
completely ridiculous
you’re saying your way is the only way
you’re saying people
should die if they
dance you’re saying
people can’t be gay and get married
you’re imposing all your bullshit on
other people and we
still accept it in 2010
except at the church of what’s happening now that’s
where i’m from cocksucking
the fucking church that matters in my book
when are we
gonna get past this when are we
gonna get past when are we
gonna step up and say
no one knows
no one knows you don’t know don’t say you know
you can’t say you know if you say you know you’re crazy
tell me your
tell me what happened
throw it in
the pile let’s all sort this out you can’t tell me
that this is the way and you’re the chosen people and
just shut the fuck up stop
all your joseph
smith and your fucking
nutty scientology stop stop
it’s all crazy
and it’s fucking up everything
because when people pretend they have the answer
it fucks up everybody else that’s
searching for the answer
because there’s an option to not even think
there’s an option like fuck
joining the
search to figure out how to live the life the best way
let’s just fucking follow what
these douchebags are doing did you
ever were you ever religious when you were a kid
i made my first communion i got thrown out of
there i got thrown out of there before my confirmation
what happened
i beat up the fucking nut
in the fourth grade
that’s what
you tell on
stage that’s a true
story that’s a true fucking
story tell me
what happened tell me what happened i was in the fourth
grade fifth
grade and my friends
i hung out with
these two little twins
and the one kid’s
mother was having a baby and he wanted to call and then
wouldn’t let him fucking call
so he’s crying you know twins are one
starts crying the other one
starts fucking crying
they crying i’m trying to
learn my fucking abcs
and i said just let him call
and she’s like mind your business little fucking
quarter pay your bill
how can you
you not let somebody call the hospital this isn’t like
a quarter joe rogan
hi this is your mother
and then none will let him so i said you know
fucking get up and go
so she’d made me and the two
other guys get up and wait outside
then she took me into the stationary closet
and bro she beat him up
first and i can hear it outside
i’m in the fourth
grade on my mom
used to always
say you know don’t let people hit you if they hit you
whatever so she takes me in the
closet and she turned her ring around
and she just
started hitting
me hitting me fucking hit me hit me hit me
where was she hitting you
in the face and shit
oh my god and i
could taste the
blood in my lip
and that’s why
i couldn’t take it no more i just fucking grabbed
and took her around and i didn’t
know nothing i just held her by the fucking throat
and i said i’m calling my
mother this is
gonna fucking stop
wow so i grabbed her titty real
quick no but here’s what was
crazy it was
a disciplinary in there that walked around with a
stick and he
would hit me in the leg and his name was jack
he had gone to the
school he had stayed there as a
teacher’s assistant
and he’s the one that lit you on fire
every once in a
while he would
light you on
fire you know what i’m saying what do you mean
he would hit you you know he
would punch you or
smack punch you
oh yeah and i fucking would
punch you oprah on the
chest and shit i had oh my god
if you went home and told your
mother you were kind of scared
i just couldn’t take people hit me i
never like that
so i grabbed her
he threatened to call he didn’t even threaten
to call the cops
cause i had
blood come out of my mouth
so i said i’m getting to the payphone i’m calling my
mother she’s
gonna come here
and we’re gonna straighten this out but the funny
thing is my
mother came with like
twenty dudes from the bar
so that we made a deal they couldn’t expel me
cause i didn’t
do none i just protected myself here’s my fucking lip
hanging like
chuck liddell
your mother
you mad at them
yeah my mother went off and then that’s when we made an
agreement stay till june this happened in april
so for two months
anytime jack got
close to me
my mother said i’ll fucking kill you
so for the last two
months of my fourth grade
they couldn’t even say nothing
to me and i
started revolting having other kids
it’s telling
their parents now
it’s just such a joyless religion
how can you get here so joy
i can see it
pulling my ear or give me a
punch to the back of something
let’s go to catholic
schools though i went to catholic school for
first grade
i was very religious when i was a little
kid when i was a little kid my parents got divorced
when i was five they separated and
i was really lost and i was really scared i remember
thinking like my dad’s not around anymore this is
crazy it’s just me and my mom and my
sister it’s like
it was very unsettling my mom had
to work all day and we had to be in different people’s
houses while they babysat us or
grandparents whatever
it was unsettling
and while this was all
going on i went to catholic school
and it was my
first year in catholic
school first
grade and they were so fucking mean
dude i don’t remember shit
about first grade okay
i don’t remember anything
about being six years old you know what i remember
sister mary josephine
at our lady at
chester hova
in patterson new jersey i
think was patterson
patterson or nork
i remember that i remember that fucking
scary experience
i lived there for a year okay i went to that
school for a year
and in that year i went to school
every day terrified
and every day there was this fucking cunt old wasted up
used up life none that was just evil to everyone
every day it was always yelling at you
i would cry like i missed my
mother like the
first day i cried dad let him he’s a baby
you wanna cry like a baby
he’s like six
years old crazy man that was
six years old
this fucking evil cunt
and if you didn’t do your your work
right or you didn’t listen to her or anything was wrong
she would tell you she’s
gonna make you sit on a nail in the closet
it was like a fucking pink
floyd video is that just east
coast religion or something like that
cause you guys go like crazy
scary catholic
nuns that’s
they don’t let them fuck
when people don’t get the fuck they’re not
happy period end of discussion
your whole life is no dick
how are you gonna be
happy you’re not gonna come you don’t come at all
what does a guy do he doesn’t come
is he fuck he fucks no one
he can’t even jerk off what kind of a life is that
that’s a horrible existence
it’s not love it’s not passion emotion
celebration of life
no it’s all just do
what i tell you follow my rules or you burn in hell
and let me touch your cock there’s a lot of that i was
gonna go back and talk to them
but the school was done and it’s in carney new jersey
and i was there one time and i was
gonna go over there and just talk to them but they were
that school was closed up it was a
when i got older and i
started hearing stories
about kids getting molested i get fucking angry
you know i got
angry at my mom i said how you let me go to
school in a place where
people are getting molested
you know like there’s priests that were molesting
kids i don’t get molested
no no we were
closing it it was always like they got
it got covered up fast but there was always like this
thing that they
deserve it what the fuck are they doing being
alter boys it was like don’t you know it was like this
weird little like come on
why is he being an alter boy
you know it’s like
maybe when they’re all to boys like
it was like almost an excuse
maybe he knew and he wanted it like it’s fucking
crazy so weird because like my religion
monsters man
my religion was
completely different
it was like there was a starbucks there there was
like a band you know it was like kind of like a party
that’s totally different
yeah there’s a lot of good religions that are like
ham lutheran luthor
they become
a good part of the community it’s like a nice step off
point where everybody gets together and you
know promises to be nice you know
promise to abide by the laws and
respect your friends and you have cookouts and shit and
there’s a lot of
positivity in being in a church
there’s a lot of positive shit
about any big community gathering
where everybody
agrees to be nice and the best way to get everybody to
agree to be nice to say that’s what god wants
there’s a lot of fucking
great things
about church
but not the catholic church bro
that shit that shit ain’t good
this fucking
thing that’s
going on with the
pope we’ve talked
about it already on the show but for people don’t know
the guy who’s the pope
right now is
been accused and there’s all this evidence that
points to the fact that he
was shielding
child molesters the guy
this guy who’s the pope
he was protecting the church
and shielding
known child molesters and then putting them
back in action
around other kids
that the guy went on to molest again and
the fuck there’s people that are calling for that guy
to be arrested for
crimes against humanity
you know like
christopher hitchens has called for the
for people to arrest him
and charge him with pedophilia or charge him with
child rape or
child endangerment
or that’s a
crime whatever the fuck he did
was involved
knowingly exposed
pedophiles to children listen
to to try to protect
the business of the catholic
church a movie to a different
place behave yourself
yeah exactly but
you didn’t let nobody know you didn’t let the church
know you didn’t let nobody know that this fucking guy
likes to dress up as
peter fucking pan you know
you know i mean hey i don’t mind
let’s handle the fucking problem
but don’t put
him in the witness relocation plan for priests
and ship them up to albany and two years from now
you had another molar station
ship them across the world
the philippines
then they’re at home
they do something there they ship them
to germany yeah
they just keep moving them around and i’m capital
it’s been proven
now if you what is that um
what is the fucking documentary
the documentary
the horrible one with the priest
hold on i’ll find it in two
seconds because i got it on my itunes did you
watch it yeah
i watched half of it and i couldn’t
watch it anymore
because it was just driving me
crazy it was just so horrible deliver us from evil
and this is all
about a guy was just his
whole life boys girls just molested them
molested hundreds of them
and they just move this
motherfucker around they just
moved them around
and protected and protected the church
there’s so many
of them that are doing it man it’s not like
one or two there’s so many of them it’s a percentage
it’s not like a
small number
you know it’s fucking terrifying and
a lot of it is just accepted a lot of people just keep
their fucking
mouth shut just
avoid the creepy fucks you know
and then i guess like you know
maybe some of
the kids get sucked in or like gay kids get sucked in
who knows you know but
the whole idea behind it is
ridiculous that
these crazy assholes that don’t fuck have a
front row seat to god like
they have the best connection
they got god’s
best cell phone number
it’s fucking crazy
they don’t even get a special spot in heaven
and we all grew up with it
i mean joey can tell you anybody who went to catholic
school nobody went to catholic
school and had an awesome experience
got molested that’s the
thing not even
i just beat
the fuck out of
yeah no even
beat me i think
she whacked me with a
ruler once but it wasn’t bad it was just a little slap
you know it wasn’t
anything like nobody ever did what what they did to you
don’t get me
wrong i was fucking fueled crazy
that’s why they put me there
i’m sure you
understand me i’m sure you it wasn’t for the beat that
they were giving me listen not for that be never you
never allowed to beat a kid pure
that was terrible you
never allowed to do that that’s a
crazy angry
human being that had a
she was terrible life
a lack of love
fucking bitch
they are all
angry man i
sent was a name
sister heist
marry heist
into something like that
it’s just a potential
if you had a choice between
hanging out with an old nun
or hanging out with an old porn star
who you gonna hang out with
you know pretty simple you know
hanging out with nina hartley i bet she’s a nice lady
you know i bet she
has a good conversation i bet she’s cool and friendly
and i bet her eyebrows look really creepy
her eyelashes
her eyelashes right
big crazy fake eyelashes yeah that’s old school
that’s the old
school look
that’s a hot look
back in the day
but you know what i’m saying
it’s just an unfortunate choice to
waste your whole life
in a non loving non friendship oriented
sort of a situation like that
based on a bunch of fucking
silly crazy old rules
we need as a
human being
the human beings as a race
we have to as a race get past
where we’re at right now
and move into some new way of
designing the way
human beings behave and act
and it can’t be
based on some nonsense
it has to be
based on just positive energy
and success
success as a race
success as a neighborhood
success as a
group of friends
there’s a way to live your
life there’s a way to be positive and there’s a way to
figure out a way to
spread the most
positive energy and the way to be the most honest
the way to be the most creative and the most friendly
and the most
productive and the most satisfied
there’s a way to do that and it’s not through religions
apparently retweeting
retweeting is like retweeting
is like a little positive bump
right like i just said man
retweets and pokes
retweets are
actually cool when someone cool retweets you yeah
i always forget to look though at the retweets
because i use just the twitter website i don’t use it
too much you know so i owe
you have to go to like retweets then
bye oh do you go to the twitter
website yeah
i do that did i give up on
tweet deck and all that stuff
just keeps on timing out and all this yeah
times out but i love having
all the different lines
i love having
you know my timeline
and i try to respond to
as many of them as possible some people get crazy dude
some people you don’t respond to them to get
upset you like dude i get like a hundred of
these in an hour
there’s no way i can
keep them up
when you get to like a hundred
thirty something thousand people
and you say something
funny or say something
interesting you
throw up something
i’ll get like a hundred two fifty
crazy if it’s
crazy one it
might be a couple hundred
you can’t respond to them all it’s impossible
but the beautiful thing
about twitter is
even if you respond to them it’s like a real
quick thing
nobody can send you
these goddamn
story of their lives
some guy sent me some
fucking material he wanted me to assess the other day
the guy says i’m thinking
about doing
stand up comedy
and it’s like a really
weirdly written letter like you tell the guy psycho
and he wants me to
review his comedy
and then he just
writes out his
whole fucking routine i’m like dude come on man i’m not
gonna i don’t have the time i
can’t just sit here and review your comedy and tell you
what i thought
about this paragraph it’s like fucking up two page
little email
dude you just
write back send back that
email in a tweet
that’s all you have to do
that’s what i’ve been doing lately all
these people are sending me like
brian check out this documentary
this sign doesn’t blah blah
i’m like dude
write it back in
130 characters or less and i’ll reply
yeah people need to
learn how to edit in real life too i
think twitter is awesome for that yeah twitter
is great for jokes
it teaches you to
reply in like a
short amount
like to get your
point across in the
shortest amount of words possible can
you imagine being able to tell
women that that’s how you’re
supposed to talk to me and for now on it has to be
tweet 130 words or less lady you know
mrs rogan just hit me with a
story the other day
it was about chicken
salad as opposed to a chicken salad
and this fucking story
took minutes
took five minutes
and meanwhile i’m on the way to the gym
so i’m getting
fired up i’m
ready to fucking hit the bag and shit fuck shit up
right so i’m all amped
and she corners me with this chicken
salad chicken story
about how well i always get
the chicken
salad at this place but
today i decided to try the chicken
salad sandwich
so i order the chicken
salad sandwich
but since i always get the chicken salad
they gave me chicken salad
so i got home
and i was like oh it’s chicken
salad damn it
i wanted to try the chicken
salad sandwich then it keeps
going on like i got it i got it i see what happens
on first base over
see what happened stop it
there’s a window open she’s somewhere in
the neighborhood
a callback shiny
happy jihad
somewhere in
the fucking
chicks love to just talk
they love like
reassuring communication some of them to it is
rash generalization of course
but some of
them just like to just keep fucking talking man
they just like keep talking yeah
i got an icy machine the
other day by the way joey this is a new
snack for you
i don’t know if you like snow or ice
told me about yeah
margarita yeah
everything yeah
you sit there
with me drop on it
130 i dropped
no i mean but it’s
great because you have this big cup of ice
so that’s like zero calories right
you get sugar free
syrups like root beer or
grape or something like that and
it’s just like there’s like icy pops remember
those frozen
pops like the bottom when it gets all mushy and
just ice it’s just like a
whole cup of that but there’s like no calories in it
i restrict myself
i restrict myself to one diet coke a week now
diet cokes yeah as i’m getting
older i’m like you’ve gotta pay
okay nothing is for free
all right and when you’re eating this
stuff that tastes
sweet and it’s not really
sweet and it
doesn’t have any calories
what the fuck is really going on
right what’s
going on man
i mean you could tell
me the diet coke is safe and i’m sure it is i mean i’ve
drinking a bunch of them nothing’s
wrong with me
you know i used to do a joke
if you get cancer from diet coke you’re a fucking pussy
no well it’s what the reality is the reality is that
shit can’t be good for you yeah but i mean it’s
like what do you want diabetes or do you want maybe
ankle cancer falsely
to have a water
you don’t have to have a coke
yeah you know if you didn’t have
water okay if you were just forced to
drink coca cola every day
and then someone gave you a nice ice cold
water you’d be like god this
tastes so good
water was like
super precious
and like there wasn’t that much of
it so you go to like a fucking restaurant and buy some
water and you know for real good
water it would cost you
like a hundred dollars a bottle like a bottle of wine
and you drink it like oh
this is delicious
god so satisfying i don’t want it to end
anyway just take it for
granted you open up a bottle but
drink it no big deal
water tastes fucking awesome
right we just don’t
think it tastes awesome because we want that
goofy sugar rush
you know that
goofy coca cola
sugar rush that we’re all addicted to
you know that
caffeine rush
yeah you know i went to baja
fresh the other day i had a chicken burrito and it’s
big motherfucking diet coke dude
it was giant and
i drank that
thing and i was
wired i was
wired i was like it was like i had a 20
ounce starbucks the big ass coke
the worst is
have you ever had like you were really thirsty at
night and you only have like a diet coke on your
nightstand and
you chug it and that’s the
worst thing i’ve ever
warmed oh yes sitting
there all night
caffeine yeah
yeah you know what’s good man i got
these new drinks
that these dudes sent me
if you’re into
not an energy
drink but workout
drinks just healthy good free
drinks a lot of ginseng and shit in them
they’re called good for you
drinks these guys sent me a
whole case of
these things they’re fucking awesome
they’re like the best workout drink as
well you know
you have gatorade
gatorade is good
after you work out but it’s like a little too
sugary i did
the right kind
oh that’s yeah that’s water i always add
water too much yeah yeah drink a little bit pour
water in i do that with all juices too
apple juice orange juice too
citric for me let’s mix it with some water
anyway these people
it’s good for you
drinks good the letter
the number four you
drinks you can
find them on twitter you can find them online
go google them
it’s the shit
you’re into a good workout
drink and they support mma
i found out
about him through
shane carwin and i know
they’ve sent
jason ellis some
some shit they’re good guys
hey talking now for a word from my sponsor
flashlight yeah you got it
again and again
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ladies and gentlemen and i know you do
let’s be real
wouldn’t you
want to fuck something that feels better than your hand
i know i do
because i know when i’m masturbating
at least half of my body
saying hey dude you’ve got a dick in your hand and it
doesn’t feels good
when you’re thinking
about that and you’re
thinking about the fact you got a dick in your hand
it doesn’t feels good
so what i propose
ladies and gentlemen is you go to
flashlight com
you get one of
these things and you fuck it
all right you got to get past the embarrassment
and i tell you from personal
experiences because i knew
about this shit i’d heard
about it on tv
ads i heard
about it on the internet i
heard about people talking
about a little
eddie bravo told me his flashlight
story before
he’s had a flashlight for a while
but i was too
proud to walk into a
store or order one online i
was too proud
to even admit that i masturbate
that shit’s
ridiculous folks
so my dad told me
about this fucking
thing that he’s
hooked onto
right now called a reserve a troll
it’s r e s v e
r a t r o l
yeah it’s an antioxidant
very potent
antioxidant that
exists in wine
and i’ve been taking it for
years yeah so he’s been doing like this huge he’s like
crazy research guy when he gets hooked on something
it’s actually it comes from
plants when
it’s stressed by parasites or various infections
it like the
plants like
release like this like fucking chemical or whatever
so people are taking this
chemical and putting it you know you can go to gnc and
stuff but then there’s kinds that are
mixed with like other
things that
but if you get it as pure as possible
the benefits from it
are like insane it’s saying that like
this is all in like rats
they’ve found that
let rats have it like
cancer gone away from it
this is the
way you said that you said a lot
foreign person
rats have like cancer gone
away from it
they’re saying that
it will block colon cancer and humans and
their it will
your life will you be 30
more life you live longer
and stuff like that
it’s also saying is there a difficulty
in absorption that we were talking about this before
that’s what i’m saying i’ve
heard that your body absorbs very little of most of the
brands that you buy that’s
you have to find out how pure it is
and how you do that
if you look on the bottle look to see how pure
it is you want
about 200 or
250 to 500 it goes up to 500
but look how the pure of the actual chemical of that so
250 500 what
milligrams is that what it is until
milligrams yeah
milligrams so
the higher the
milligram the more pure it is
the higher it’s
it’s just that chemical
it’s mixed with
other things so is
it mixed with what are the
other things that they put in with it like grape
yeah it’s like
grape seed and
stuff like that grape
seed is also on end
time have you been taking it
brian huh i just
started in two days but my
dad’s been taking it for
about a month now and he says
a couple things he said that
he feels like he is just non stop energy from when he
wakes up to and something that he hasn’t had in years
he also said that his hip pain he has a bad pain he
stopped taking
it for a week and his hip pain immediately came back
and he also said that
that his stomach
is always getting full faster now so
after we usually gets like
seconds i had a
dinner or something like that now he says he feels full
after the first time
your dad selling was very
troll no he’s not
he’s not he’s not
he’s not but he’s
somebody he’s somebody that like when he
find something he like
researches the fuck out of it and
stuff like if you said that
whole thing in an english accent i probably
would get online
yeah but anyways there’s a
whole thing that i
emailed you joe that you
should look for that
i have some in my
vitamin cabinet
i don’t know
i never even looked at what the dosage is though
i mean it says it blocks
colon cancer on mice
and that right now that they’re
trying to find out that the problems were not mice
yeah we’re mammals though
we’re mammals though so
they’re looking into it
and a lot of
the research they’re finding is all positive and
i’m sure there’s
definitely a
connection with
chem but there’s a lot of shit that mammals can eat
that we can’t and we can’t that they can
like dogs can’t even eat chocolate you know give a
dog chocolate they’ll get fucked up yeah it’s poison to
your stomach kill them
and if you give a
sheep dmt they die
you know that
sheep there’s certain types of
grass that have dmt in it
the sheep eat the
grass and they just fucking fall down
and their little feet just
twitch in the air
and they just boom
it explodes
their brain if you put a snail
on a listerine
strip they melt
yeah but listerine
strips aren’t
part of nature son
that’s ridiculous
well if you fucking hit a
monkey with a rock he dies
you have too much time on your hands huh
that’s all my dad my dad’s the one that
first told me though
about splendor
like seven years ago how
about all the bad shit about when people are just
getting on splinda
he was like sending me reports about how the
brain like things that’s like sugar and
like this was
seven years ago he was sending
me this shit so he’s pretty what is that coke the
sucralose wants a
weird one right
yeah it’s was splinda
asked any of
those chemicals
tricks the brain into
thinking it’s sugar
so it does the shit that it does to
fight burn off the
sugar but it’s not there
so it’s just i
guess it has a lot of bad negative side
effects it’s pretty crazy
aspartame there’s a
bunch of them now
what’s the best one
don’t think any of them got i
think actually
sugars probably
the best fucking
sure is the best one for you that’s why a lot of these
companies is though
here’s the key you
gotta exercise
you can’t just eat
sugary shit and if you’re
gonna have one of
those things you have to have a body that can
process that sugar
you can’t just be
sedentary and be down in
sugary drinks it’ll fuck your
whole system and
everything in moderation now yeah
yeah there’s nothing
wrong with a little coke in moderation the drink
yeah lately i’ve been buying those
small little mini regular the
fuck cocksucker why you looking at me you know
no i i don’t know i don’t you know it’s
funny because i went on
a diet coke
thing for a while
terry bought like 95 at costco
and i stuck to my
points and i actually gained weight
and i asked
you know how much fucking sodium is
oh yeah you got so much
water fucking kidding me yeah
so now i’ve been i got off from that i just
drink them when i go to a restaurant
and even then i don’t because i feel like they’re
gonna give me the
wrong batch of shit
right so i stopped
you know because i just don’t want it at all right mmm
yeah i’m done
you’ve been following
e3 at all this week joe and seeing all the
new shit that’s coming out with xbox sony and all that
stuff no i saw the that they made the xbox
smaller but i mean what are they
gonna do that’s really interesting
was the new
things is like
they’re all turning into
the nintendo wii with the motion controllers and stuff
but what’s really cool is like sony has this one
which is like it
looks like a
microphone or a
flashlight or whatever
but in the game you’re
in the game and then
it turns your controller into a weapon kind of like
how cgi they have the ping pongs all over and stuff
so you’re looking at yourself with a weapon and
it’s kind of trippy
so that’s the whole
thing with the xbox and
the ps3 is that it’s turning you into the controller
but i think i’m sick of all this i just want to play
video games
you know i’m a
grown man i don’t need to be
dancing around just trying to fucking
cast spells on dragons and
stuff like that right but
for a lot of
people they’ve lost a lot of weight oh yeah yeah for
people for young kids i’m sure they’re loving this shit
but you know
wii fit that wii
fit shit a lot of
people have lost a lot of weight with that stuff yeah
and they also
nintendo just released a new 3d game boy that i don’t
think you have to have
glasses for
maybe you do but i don’t
think you do and they said that it’s actually
coming out at you
what about like
that’s crazy man
what about that microsoft
thing there was a microsoft
thing they’re working on that was
like it was a motion detective
thing that we’re
gonna be able to do with
martial arts games yeah that’s it that’s one of the
things that’s what xbox
i believe it’s called
i forget what it’s called
now vizu or something i can’t remember hmm but uh
so that’s that’s my
sub version
xbox which one’s the
better version
you know i think they both look
they have both a
positive so i
might get they’re
cheap they’re 49
for the ps3 and something like that you
think we’re ever
gonna get to reality helmets you know like
alternate reality helmets you know
remember when they had those
and they were trying to do that for a while the
virtual reality
there was like a big
thing like that someday
we’re going to be able to put
a helmet on and you’ll you know
i don’t even know if it’s
going to be like that
when i was in
vegas i was talking to all
these there was a tech conference
going on there and this guy i know
from san francisco owns this
whole company
and he was telling me
about what was big in the tech shows
and he says you know the big
thing that’s
gonna be next he’s like porn is kind of dead
right now with
no dvds fucking
right we talked about
this 3d porn
right right so 3d
porn he says
he says some of the technologies
just coming out right
he’s like you know that’s
gonna be big
where you can just lay in bed with no
pants on and you feel like the legs are
wrapping around
you you know and you’re fucking sitting there with your
flashlight on and you’re
immersed into it like a helmet
he’s like that’s what’s
gonna be big
he said the tvs
weren’t even that
impressive he said what was
impressive this year at this convention
was the digital projection 3ds
it says that was just
amazing so that’s like some help me obi wan type shit
kind of yeah well
imagine having this
whole wall behind you
would be 3d
you know you’re just fucking sitting there in this
chair over here and you feel like you are in
lord of the rings or whatever it be yeah you
gotta think the next
thing is gonna be way more immersive
every step is
gonna be your wall
the tv is gonna be your wall and it’s probably
gonna be 3d
when it moves past the flat
plane that’s when it’s
gonna get really
crazy when somehow know they figure out a way to
bring you more into the action some invention that
allows you to be in
a virtual reality type of situation when you watch
movies well the guy said at that
convention they had the 40 inch tv that didn’t require
glasses he said it kind of sucked
but he said he saw just looking at it how
eventually that it’s
gonna be huge
and it’s gonna be 3d so it’s
gonna add a
depth so you walk into your room you
could have a
picture on the wall of this long hallway and you’re
gonna feel like that’s a long hallway in your room you
know what i mean
there was the
thing i went to at the
planetarium the
other day it was
one of those science shows
where you lie on your back and they take on a tour of
all the different astrological
configurations in the sky and constellations and
stuff and so
they were taking
you on this tour and all this different shit and
space and everything i was like
how intense is this like the
whole ceiling is a fucking
screen and you’re
lying back you
know it’s like almost like a lazy boy type
chair you lie
all the way back like i fell asleep even so wow
i was tired when i was there
i’m an old man fall asleep at the movies
so i’m sitting up there
watching this fucking
thing and i’m like well this is like so much more
immersive than television
like that’s what the next step is
gonna be it’s
gonna be like you’re
gonna go to the
movies but the
movie is gonna be like a ride
you know i’m saying it’s
gonna be like some
space mountain type shit
it’s not just
gonna be you sitting there it’s
everybody gets strapped into a seat
and you know you put a helmet on captain
eo2 fucking
chair moves and shit
you go on a ride
through the
movie yeah no
i think they have similar
things probably already at like disney row and
stuff i don’t
think not obviously so
yeah and they’re
only for a couple minutes till the ride
starts right you know
but oh did you ever go on the jurassic park ride
yes jurassic park rides a dope one
they have that’s that’s one of those i
think that’s the one i’m
thinking of
it’s a it’s a almost old
school no no it’s not jurassic
park there was another one that they had that was old
school a robocop
shit i don’t know what the fuck simpsons
no there was one i feel
maybe it is
jurassic park but there’s the one they had at universal
studios that was all 3d
it was i was all rather
virtual you’re in a
chair and the
chair moves and
you go on this adventure but it
doesn’t last very long
i don’t remember
which one was
but it was one of
those ones where you like wow someday this is
gonna be what
movies are like
mmm hmm you know
we need a fucking 3d avatar
we need this rather a blue avatar vagina
we need to really contact them
don’t they need to kick that up a notch
that would be a big seller
among the geeks the new
chris we gotta do this man
you gotta do
get in touch with
james cameron i’m sure he’ll
agree with it i’ll make a
smurfette pussy
one of the two just don’t tell him it’s an avatar
pussy just he won’t
agree to it there’s a new
smurf movie
coming out with little sparkles
have some little glitter on that pussy yeah
the new jackasses in 3d
and which is kind of
gross and weird here
about that yeah but you know what here’s the
thing i have this problem
where johnny knoxville
or bam or none of
those people have been
in the news at all
for like years it seems like you know
now in the last week
on tmz they’ve been in the news like four times you
know and i’m almost wondering
if this is just all
promotion for the new
movie you know
cause they’re
smart guys it’s like
oh you got beat up isn’t that what
could happen all the time
that’s right
but the problem is someone got arrested
someone got arrested and it’s on the news
right here’s an 80
ticket or whatever
first song no
no no looks like attempted murder
she hit him in the head with a baseball bat yeah
this is like some serious assault charges
some 59 year old
woman baseball batted bam marguerre outside his bar
in pennsylvania yeah
how much you run a bit
follow that follow that shit and see what
happens i’ll let that girl finally gets ryan so cynical
but so right
so right so often
you write a lot of
yeah fella you’ve called a lot of fake
things and i was like that ain’t fake and
you like fake fake it’s fucking fake you get angry fake
well what’s
crazy is when tmz
first announced it
they were like he’s in critical icu condition
you know blah blah’s looking bad and then the next
thing is like
oh just talk to johnny knoxville
he said he was
like he was a heavier yeah
what were some of
the fakes that you’ve called in the past you’ve called
quite a few fakes
well you were way
ahead of the curve
well there was one that there was like this really
horrible fight
and somebody had filmed it and it looked like
the dude was
punching the guy
that fight see
i think they
added sound
effects to a real
fight they totally
added sound
effects to a real
fight and it looked really bad because
it was the same noise
over again it was not synced up
i blew up that
video so you can
see where the hit
you know that’s true but i recognize from
years and years of
watching dudes get fucked up that
was real that guy got punted in the head when he was
and his whole
body moved dead image
you know what it was that’s a real
effort i don’t think we
ever have told you i
found out what happened
about that video was actually made for one of those
shocking tv
and so they
you know how like america’s funniest home
videos like ads like oh no
voices and stuff
they pump it up
that’s another
thing by the way
i don’t know if you guys ever seen this like
america’s funniest
home videos don’t do it as much
but any of those like
send in your
video type shows
if you really pay attention they don’t
want to pay people and
stuff like that for certain things
most of the
voices are all done by the same guy so it’s like
hey honey come over here and look at this
and then you see here the same guy like two
videos later go uh oh
honey look out
and then you realize
it’s just one dude
and it ruins the
whole show for you so next time you
watch one of these
video shows
listen to the
voices it’s just one guy
redoing all
these words like oh no look at this
you could tell us the same guy it’s horrible
brian you’re ruining
childhood memories
you’re crushing
dreams right now
talk to me about
carlos can’t
do it what the fuck
fucking wolf carlos
and roy mcdonald what a
fucking fight
battle royal
that kid is a that
first of all props to
carlos conner
for coming back
after those
first two rounds the
first two rounds he was getting beat he was getting
taken down yeah
he you know he’s getting
clipped a little bit on his feet but he tacked that kid
quite a few times too
and the kid
you know kid took some big shots
a lot of people are saying you can’t take a
punch i’m like you’re
crazy carlos
condit rocked him on the button
and he was coming forward
i mean no one
takes good shots when they’re coming forward
when you’re coming forward that’s when you can get hurt
and you know
they had a rock’em sock’em
robots fight and then
carlos condit
pulled it out at the end
got him down and just
started blasting him with elbows man
hit him with some hard left
elbows oh my god
fucked his eye with
his eye up and you know what
the kid has massive class man
after it was over and i interview him
he was so classy
like the way he handled it there was no ego no bullshit
the kid was like you know what he kicked my ass
he was the toughest guy i ever
fought you know i was like asking him do you thought
they think the
fight was stopped prematurely
he was like no
no he was kicking my ass you know the kid was just
ultimate class and honesty and just
way handled
himself you know and he’s so fucking talented
and he’s like one of the
first guys being 20 years old he’s one of the
first guys that
started out
training mma
i started out as a
wrestler or kickbox or whatever
he started out
learning the
whole sport all together as one
thing so it
pretty impressive to
watch that kids got a super
this homework on call yeah
you know you could tell
what have you
heard about the
first fight fuck
that wasn’t
anything other
it’s unfortunate yeah they’re
gonna redo it
they’ll definitely redo it
dana knows the fans want to see that fight
again that was just a mistake even
if he made a mistake
it happens man being a
referee is very hard
what about my
boy tyson griffin that was a good
fight that was a
great that’s a great kid
that kid evan dunham
is a stud that
is he’s fucking good he’s a
great fight
this week by
the way stand up is good his fucking
jiu jitsu is good
how dares are they
thinking are
they in the middle of the goddamn park
they knew better they shut that shit off
that’s probably my manager
she’s probably
thinking about like
calling me to tell me that you’re talking
about the flashlight too much
that was a good
anyway that was a good fucking car there were some good
fights yeah
what’s up with pat barry’s he
broke his foot and he broke his hand
he broke his
knock on when he
punched crocock
in the first round
and he dropped him the
second punch he hit him with he said he felt his
knuckle give out and then he
apparently broke his foot somewhere in the
fight too his foot swole up like an elephant foot fuck
pictures of it online like
he has the two feet together and one of them is like
literally twice the size
that’s nasty what a
great fight though
whew that was fun
that was a fun
fight and fun comeback too
watching crow cop turning on at the end and
blast them and then take his back and choke him
and then krohkop campaigned for the
submission of the night
that was a good start
yeah tell him
man what do you call him stingy yeah
i don’t remember what he said but it was pretty
funny in fact that
was it for him man i hope that’s his last fight
i really do because he’s been talking
about retiring
i hope he chooses to go out that way
it’s nice to see a guy go out on a high note
that was a high note that was an awesome performance
at the end he addressed the
crowd and addressed the croatian fans
and it’s pretty cool i gave him the
microphone and
i just gave it to him
it felt like
i said something to him
he was so proud and so
happy and he
could feel and i was
happy for the guy
and the crowd was
going nuts and everybody was happy
and i looked down i saw
those croatian flags and i remember him talking
about how many croatian fans are
going to be here in vancouver because a lot of
croatian people live there
and i said do
you have anything to say to your croatian fans out
there i see you got a lot of support and the
crowd goes nuts all the croatians go fucking apeshit
and then i just knew i was
going to give him the mic and he knew i was
going to give him the mic i didn’t say anything to him
he didn’t say anything to me
i just handed him the mic and he took it and he
started walking
and pacing and talking in his native language
and the crowd went nuts it was just a beautiful ending
if he decides that he
doesn’t want to compete anymore i mean who knows he
might decide
he might be saying
that now because it was a lot of stress but they’ll get
fired up and get back in there
again because it was one of his
best performances in a long time he looked real good
especially in that third
round you know
when he had barry
backed up and he was nailing with punches
he was looking
sharp dude he
was nailing him with some fucking hands you know
so who knows man he
might decide he
might decide to keep my fucking
heartbreak my lidell
broke my fucking heart man
but it’s good but
this is seem
to me it seems like it’s happened like the last
three fights it’s broken my
heart i thought i didn’t know he was even
gonna fight
again i was like really i mean
cause he’s been getting
knocked out with the last
three fights he got
knocked out yes
i mean it’s like i
think it’s well
he’s done last
fight well you
gotta look at the two ways one way is the last four
fights actually
you know he had one in there with vanderlay
in between and the
keith jardine one actually was
after the rampage loss too so two
you gotta look at it two ways one you
gotta look at the fact that the guy is
fighting top
level talent i mean
rampage knocked him out
you know he got
knocked out by
rod and he got
by shogun and then he got
knocked out by ace
rich franklin so you
gotta think
about these are
those are four killers
you know yeah
it’s unfortunate yeah
it’s very hard to
watch him lose like that
especially when you grow
like you know
basically i came up in the ufc
watching that guy
fight one of the
first the first
fight that he ever had in 1998 i was there live
i saw him fight
i think he fought
think the dude’s name was
knowing hernanda
no way gonzalez no way
knowing hernandez
knowing hernandez
though is the comedian
knowing gonzalez is the comedian
knowing hernandez
is the fighter
right the guy had really said that
i always go what
he fought a
boxer a real good boxer and it was a good fucking fight
and i’d seen a
bunch of chuck’s
fights i saw
the fight that
he had i wasn’t there live of course but i saw the
fight that he had in brazil
against pele
in valley tudo
this is back when pele
was in his prime pele
was one of the baddest
motherfucking muay thai guys to ever come out of brazil
and he’s one of the guys that helped
train anderson silva
and he was the best
shoot box guy
knocked out matt hughes with a knee
knocked out a lot of dudes he was a killer
so anyway pele
is fighting
and he fucking head kicks them
ba boom i mean with a shot that
would kill a normal man
chuckles down
gets right back up
he had kicked him
twice in that fight and
dropped him in the fight
chuck’s on top
of him beating the fucking shit out of him
bare knuckle into
the netting on
the bottom of the rope the bottom of the rope has a net
okay so that you can’t
slide out so you got to
get stuck in there and take your beating
so chuck’s on top of him just fucking
punched him in the face
i mean it was a bare
knuckle old
school no rules war
i mean this is the kind of
fight that that guy was involved in
he wasn’t just involved in the ufc
five rounds
for the championship
title five minute
rounds nevada
state athletic
commission presides over it no no no no
in brazil in the jungle okay you know i’m talking about
he’s fighting that no one in the audience has
shoes on okay
either fucking
screaming and yelling
those ivc valley tudos
those were savage
fights man there was
always like
brawls would
break out henzo gracie got
stabbed in one of those okay
he’s fighting
with tatio i
think that’s the guy’s name eugenio tatio
who’s an old
school lutolivra
guy and henzo
of course old
school brazilian jujutsu gracie family guy
and they’re fucking battling out and the
lights go out okay somebody kills the fucking power
you know and there’s a lot of speculation who did it
maybe they thought that someone was getting
their ass kicked who knows
there’s a fucking
crazy mad scuffle goes on henzo
gets stabbed okay
fucking people are
stabbing people in the audience i mean
these are the kind of
fights that
chuck liddell went through
i mean he did it all he fought in the early days
he fought in the
first time in the
ufc he was wearing
shoes he was wearing
wrestling shoes kicking dudes
you know there was like very few rules
you know things were totally different back then
and that guy’s been through so much
he’s been through it all it’s just
the last few guys that he fought he’s a step below
he’s a step behind
where he used to be
if he was fighting
lower level competition like say if they put
chuck against
say some of the guys that
fight at two o five in the
ultimate fighter or some guys that like lower
level gods don’t have the kind of
stand up the ass
he’ll be fucking a lot of dudes up do you
think though that
brain that his
brain just wants to go to
sleep though it knows that like hey i know what a
knockout is now i you know i mean
he’s lost his chin
that is what everybody says
and that is what happens with fighters
that is what happened with that
there’s no getting away from that at a certain
point in time
i mean it happens
joey knows it happens with football players right
i mean whatever
once they got hooked on it they
never got off it
yeah when guys
start getting
knocked out it’s just when you’ve
taken a certain amount of concussions you know
he got hit on the side and he went out
i will talk
afterwards because nobody
you’re not miked up
but you know what he’s a
he’s a legend
and he’s a guy who’s had a gigantic career and he was
one one of these
when he was in his
prime he’s one
of the scariest guys ever one of the most
exciting fighters ever when you went to see a
chuck liddell fight
you knew that someone’s
gonna get their fucking ass kicked you know
and it was gonna be brutal
you know he was
gonna smash somebody he was
gonna get a hold of you he’s
gonna kick you and
punch you and smash you
remember the
first time he
knocked out
randy couture
it was like oh shit
he can knock out
randy i mean
randy had been in there with pedro hiso
randy had been in there with maurice
smith randy had been in there with big
strong knockout
high level kickboxer
and they had
knocked him out
but to get in there with
chuck and chuck
blasts him to
orbit with one punch
the way he could
knock dudes out
there was very very few
human beings that could
stand in front of
that guy when he blasts
like a lot of guys who have a very
particular style
once you know
once your reflexes
start to go a little bit
once you’ve
taken too much punishment you don’t have
other ways to win
the more ways you have the win
the more unpredictable you are the more
successful you’re
going to be
it’s like gsp he
doesn’t even hardly get hurt
he got hurt by matt
sarah but he got clipped and
he says he didn’t take
sarah he took
sarah a little bit lightly
but if you if you’re
the type of guy that nobody knows what the fuck you’re
gonna do whether you’re gonna
shoot and go for a takedown
or whether you’re
gonna stand in bang if you’re
cautious but you know when to attack and when to move
you gotta be like
always one step
ahead it can’t just be
just run in there and brawling and
chuck was so fucking good at running there and brawling
he had such a good chin it was such a good
counter puncher
you know he kind of
based his whole
style on that and because of that he was the most
one of the most
successful guys and one of the most
exciting guys
but you know
that’s not the
style that allows you to keep
going deep into your 40s like
randy couture
he’s got a safer
style like he
stands with
guys but he just wants to get a hold of your ass
he wants to get a hold of your ass
press you up
against the
cage beat the fuck out of you kick your knees
kick your legs rather knee you in the legs
elbow you punch you get that
dirty boxing going
and then hopefully get your ass on
the ground beat the shit out of you down there and then
choke you you know
that’s how randy’s rocking it these days
especially like in the colman fight
oh that’s hot
sorry in the coleman
fight you get to see him
you know in the coleman
fight like he had a totally different strategy
beat coleman
standing up and then took coleman
down choked him you know he’s
diversifying adding more shit to his game
i think if chuck had done that in this
fight he would have been
you know a lot better off but
i think he hit so fucking hard and
he’s so used to
blasting guys he has so much success
that it just feels good to him once it
starts going he just
chases these
motherfuckers down
chases these
motherfuckers down he wants to
blast them but
franklin caught him with that
really well timed
right hand and he caught him over committing
so chuck was moving forward
and he just
catches him with that counter
so even though it didn’t look like the hardest
punch in the world
rich is a hard
puncher and
chuck was moving forward
and so it was a hard shot man it busted open his lip
did you see what his lip looked like
it looked bad
a big big cut so it wasn’t like it wasn’t like
you know a shot that shouldn’t have
dropped them that shot could have
dropped anybody
it was that was a hard shot
and i think two years ago when i
dropped them i
think it would have rattled them a little more
maybe i think he’s gotten this in his head it’s
you know when i had to
sleep apnea at first
i could when you
first have an extreme
you wake up like this joe
so what happens is
every time you lose your breath when i was 400
pounds every time i chase you
or walk and i lose my breath
right my body was
going through anxiety
that’s how that’s why i had to go to accu
so your body
would start
thinking about the
trauma that you’ve had in the past
when i got us when you have
sleep apnea you wake up choking
you wake up on your feet
going like this
you know grasping for air
so every time i ran out of air for a long time
even on planes there was just
a connection
just a connection in your head okay so there’s that
and then on top of it just
the raw data that we know
about people that take concussions
you cannot take too many
concussions oh you don’t want to yeah you don’t want to
you know they’re putting a finger
like i told
eddie and he goes well
sakuraba came back and he just
started covering himself i go the weight
chuck is right now
somebody would just hit his hand and he
could hit himself and
knock himself out
that’s how sensitive that switch is
and it’s a shame
i’m his biggest fan
well he took a couple shots before that yeah no
no he took some shots before that
but not right there bro
he took one to the head he took one
i like to go back to and
watch the fight
again but i remember him getting clipped
a couple of times yeah he got clipped a couple times i
heard the whole
place smelled like weed was
that true oh my god dude when i went to the bathroom
i went to go take a leak and as i was running back
to the bathroom it just stunk of weed in this one area
and it’s the same area
where dudes were
stealing dude’s hats
that was just
those guys were
baked as fuck
they were snatching hats off people’s heads
as they would
walk through the tunnel
on the way to the
arena you know
their music song they got
their hat on
their focus and
he was just
snatching dudes hat top
wow and there’s all these
animated gift files online of the guys
doing it and it’s
hilarious this
is the same guy that got these big
stupid shitty and grins in
their face like ah
that’s awesome and the funniest one is when he
tries to get martin campman’s hat and he
just misses
he just misses
i got champ
and walks by and you see the guy like
you gotta retweet that
later oh yeah i will i’ll find the link
the funniest material i
heard all week
was the son of
sarah palin
he’s losing his mind just like
sarah palin
who’s the son of
sarah palin
jail son of
chill son the son of
sarah you know
chill son and
he stole a disease and a sorry joke
it was like doing one of his speeches
about anderson
silva and his manager and he did an disease joke
that’s awesome
he called an algebra brother you
gotta bust it on that you can’t do that
one is a punching bag and the
other one i’m not
worried about wow
he said that no garri’s
black belt you
get a mcdonald’s and a gift set or whatever the
happy meal or
some shit he’s the best shit talker by far
he’s a fucking nice guy too man
when you talk to shale
sunden like outside he’s a fucking
funny nice guy
he’s just real good at talking
shit he’s a politician and he can fucking fight dude
this is a lot of this buffoon
and all this emotions that he’s
charging up and this is all like there’s
you think about what damian maia
got mad or got anderson
mad at damian maia this is what he said
he said i respect anderson
as a fighter i don’t respect him as a person
whatever the fuck that
means to anderson why i don’t know but that made him
crazy he got so
angry and so we
never seen anderson
standing in
front of a guy yelling and
screaming at him
calling him
rich boy and
show me your
jiu jitsu and
swearing at him saying all
these different swears
and then just beating his ass and mocking him
never seen anderson
do that before to anybody
and damian maya is
generally known as a
really nice guy and respectful guy and a martial artist
but that one
statement whatever the fuck it meant
threw him into a
tizzy what is
gonna happen when he gets in the cage with
chels sunnah
chels sunnah
has talked so much shit
about them making sacrifices
to pygmy gods and fucking all kinds of nonsense he’s
going fucking nuts oh he’s going
on the south
he doesn’t stop he
doesn’t stop that’s our
palin son dog
his twitter is just
rampant with
it his twitter is all like him talking shit
i’m gonna almost
follow i have not even seen this
thank you for opening up my eyes he does
these question
answers i missed the one he did in vancouver
i missed the
other one before that but everybody was talking
about that it said it was the funniest fucking q amp a
by far it’s on my facebook somebody said yeah
peter fogel
the guy had willy barsena
broke his nose
emailed it to me
well he just did another one
he just did
another one okay this is the one so this is his
second q amp a he’s
done two of them so far pumping up the anderson fight
dude he’s fucking hilarious but he fucked up when he
stole that as he’s in a sorry joke
the internet is not
gonna let him ride that out
have you been to a website called
wolfram wolfram
alpha yeah we were gonna talk
about this wolfram
alpha for people who aren’t
aware of it is this project
where they’re trying to take the next step
after google
and it’s trying to be a website
literally that
you ask it a question it gives you an answer
right it’s so cool because
like i put in my birthday in the weather
and i got the exact
when i was born to the
exact hour i got the lows the highs during the day the
cloud cover the
population of columbus at that time the
humidity the pressure the winds i got
so much shit that if i was like
would dock from back to the future i
could totally get to the right
second of the
day that i needed to go back in time with you know
but this would give
you the information for that you know it’s really funny
that you just brought that up and that you’re talking
about this cause
there was a subject that was on the message
board the other day
that i thought was really interesting there’s this new
scientific discovery that they found
where they do
believe that it’s possible that the universe
might be far
older than 14 billion years that’s what they
think it is now they
think it’s like
150 billion
and it’s just this
small group of scientists and
that have this possibility in
their head and
it hasn’t been
sold yet entirely but
when you start
thinking about
stuff like that
people there was like an argument on the
board and the argument was
there’s some things
about the universe you’re
never going to be able to know it’s
pointless to even try
you’re never
going to know when the universe began
how the fuck
do they know that how do you know that you’re not
going to ever be able to know
we are if our
is constantly increasing okay what we know
today is so much more advanced than what we knew just
a hundred years ago or 200 years ago or 300 years ago
you know a couple hundred years ago
to get around you had to be on a fucking animal okay
you wanted an
image of someone you had to draw it
there was no cameras
think about that
that’s just a couple hundred years ago
we don’t know what the fuck kind of
innovation is
going to come up a couple
100 years from now
or a couple thousand years from now it
might very well be possible that not only can we
decipher exactly how the universe began
but we can probably
we’re probably
going to be able
to get an accurate map of the history of the planet
from the very
beginning to now much more detailed much more precise
than we have
today we’re probably
going to be able to recreate or
encapture every single moment of
every single day
of every single
hour that’s ever existed
it’s all very possible man
they’re gonna get crazier and crazier with time
they’re gonna get
crazy and crazier with
breaking down
the quantum mechanics of the universe you know when you
start getting into like
you know the
crazy subatomic
particles that disappear and reappear and
exist in two different
places at the same time or
in a superposition and
these things that they don’t
understand well as we get more and more
understanding and know more and more
about the weirdness of the
world we’re
gonna be able to figure out how to fucking decipher it
and it might be that like
a time machine
when they invent
a time machine or something like that or
whatever the fuck you want to call this next stage of
matter when they invent it
the idea of a time machine is the only way you’re
going to be able to
travel back in time is once the
first time machines invented
so they’re going to invent a time machine
and you can’t go before that
but what you can do is anything from that
will be able to come back to that point so
everything that
exists from now
until whenever
you can access it
as soon as they invent a time machine
why not why fucking not
shit’s gonna get
crazy if you can do this nobody
would have ever thought you
could be able to do this if you talk to someone in
shakespeare’s day
and say do you
think there’s ever
gonna be a time
where i take something out of my pocket
and through the air
i ask it a question like you could
i mean wolfram
alpha you can’t do that but you can do that with google
you could google voice it
what year did the
sistine chapel get built
bam they tell you instantly
and if you get if it gets to a
point and it’s
got to if you got the google if it gets a wolfram
alpha point
we can have
you can ask it a question you can give it any answer
or it can give you any answer on
any question of anything that’s ever happened ever that
human beings are aware of
and you’ll have all the information
right there
we told that to people that
lived in shakespeare’s
day they were told you had her fucking mind
it’s gonna get crazier than this
it has to cause
everything gets crazier
what the fuck is next
sometimes i just
drive in my
car and i sit in traffic and i go what the fuck is next
is there gonna be some
crazy new thing that’s
gonna change
everything like
is it are we in a race
between human beings
figuring out what the next
thing is the next
crazy innovation is or
us just completely fucking
everything up with
polluting the fucking
ocean and you know
nuclear explosions
and and wars and all that other
crazy shit like
are we in a race
between like
human retarded chimpanzee
instincts and technology
you ever thought
about it like that
like when we talk
about like the like this peak oil
documentary that we
watched we thought was bullshit
but the idea
of peak oil is a terrifying idea if it was true
and if there was a finite
amount of oil and they do bust
into it and then we have were fucked we have no oil
things could get really crazy
that is really possible but
are they going to come up with something that’s
going to replace that and make
everything better and make
everything even more advanced and more simple and
more natural to the environment are they
going to figure that out
first or are we
going to run out of
supplies and resources first
is that a battle
is it a battle between the
human retarded
monkey chimpanzee
behavior of take take take don’t think
about the future
and technology and
innovation and the ability to harness matter
i think whatever happens is not
going to happen during our
lifetimes you don’t
think so no
i think something
crazy twenty
more fucking
things that happen a lifetime
twenty years ago when you finger banging that
chick behind bowled
up boston high school
you think there
was gonna be a milkshake
thing with a
pussy in it
shake up the arm
it does the same shit
guys every year we get
something new technology every year
every year there’s
gonna be after we think the reaction’s
gonna be to all this oil in the ocean
it’s gotta be a reaction
it’s gonna be there’s gonna be innovation
it’s a horrible horrible disaster
but there’s gonna be
some west coast that’s all i
you know i mean hopefully like what if jersey
shore and the whole east coast
beach gets destroyed
and all those
people for summer vacations want to come to the west
coast this summer
it might be fucking they won’t fucking
that’s too much of a
drive bro those jerseys need
to go from fucking
point a to point
the problem with that
show is there’s so many people like that and now they
think they can be
famous too yeah no
they can dude
get on a fucking jersey shore bro
i’m fucking auditioning for that i’m fake tanning
every day glendale lately
no dude glendale’s off the hook now i mean
version yeah the
fuck you ever
see that to psycho mike from k rock in la that the
thing that he did the
video about a
about glendale
no dude it’s hilarious
love it it’s all armenians and glendale
i forget the fucking bit it’s a really really
funny song dude it’s
ridiculous this one
place this one
place i go to called
sushi joint
it’s like this
chains this
strip mall that has like
ernest outdoor
stores and there’s a
sushi place
but all the
stores are like fashion outlet and then like
the windows are all black
and stuff like that and then the next
thing is like something else but what’s
weird is if you go by there at like two in the morning
none of those
places are open but yet
every single car
there’s like a hundred cars in the parking lot
it’s like what the fuck
is going on that’s how glendale is
everywhere you
drive you see
these fake rug
stores and shit you know it’s
party like an arm oh
party like an awesome song
apparently i’m
going to watch that later
yeah somebody sent
i think opie i
think that’s the video i think opie
from opie and anthony twittered the other day
nature’s little
flashlight and it was a monkey
using a frog to whack off like a flashlight
yeah that’s old school video but
it is a funny video the monkey fucks that frog’s mouth
that’s what
monkeys are down for they’re down for rape and shit
you know we think about
those chimps is that like like bj and the bear and we
think they’re all cute and shit
then you find out
about like that chimp that
ate that lady’s face and that
other chimp that fucked that dude up and
ripped his balls off and ripped his feet off chimps eat
babies man there’s been recorded instances of chimps
stealing babies and eating them
what the fuck joe rogan
why you gotta bother
me with this shit
why i gotta
was sitting here having a good time like gentlemen
you got to talk to me
about chimps eating
babies what the fuck kind of
table conversation is this cocksucker
he hit the two hour mark with me
that’s the two hour mark yeah
all right we’ve come up with one subject and we’re
gonna wrap this up joey
that’s up to you
the subject
you had a good one
before you fuck brian you had a good one and
stuff what was i talking about
you remember senior old surfer
no the other one before that you said you were
gonna bring it up during the podcast oh
i thought i don’t remember
i can’t order an iphone
what kind of shit is this you’re the fucking captain
kirk of this program
he couldn’t
order an iphone
one more time for the i
was i was one
more word from our
sponsors i was
up from 1 a m
till 3 a m just trying
to access the iphone oh no i know i wanted to talk
about that fucking guy that christian warrior
went looking for a sacra bin
laden yeah yeah yeah that’s what i wanted to talk about
if you don’t know this
story there’s a fucking dude who is this just old
white guy who’s this christian warrior from america
who put a fucking he got a
sword he took a
sword with them and a gun
and he went to the fucking mountains of pakistan
and he went
to the mountains of pakistan to try to find osama
bin laden to kill him and they caught his ass wow
like what are you doing dude
did they put him in jail
i can’t believe they didn’t kill him
i mean this guy was sitting in kentucky
somewhere and he said one day fuck it
i’m sick and
tired of waiting for something
live this shit’s been
going on for ten years
yeah that’s he
borrowed money from his cousin
and he said fuck it i’ll go over there like a boy
scout you made that grace your
bitch if you ain’t
first you last here’s a
story a fifty two year old american
citizen who said he was
searching for osama
bin laden was detained
in pakistan near the border with afghanistan this week
his name is gary faulkner from
california was
carrying a pistol a sword
night vision
equipment and christian religious books whoa
that might be the last guy in the
world you want looking for you
the last thing the last dude in the
world you want is a
fifty two year old man with a
sword and a
bible and he’s
he flew to the
other side of the fucking
world to find you
he’s got religious books a gun
and a bible
and a sword
wow oh my god
dude there’s guys like
doubt doubt
they’re out
there they’re out there they’re out there they’re
ready to go
you gotta remember that
sometimes it’s good to go online and
watch some fucked up videos
just to know that guy’s out there i don’t like
watching murder videos
i watched one recently
the mexican drug lords killed this fucking guy
they cut this guy’s head off they showed it on the
video yeah they put that shit online
come on yeah whoo
now on youtube
i don’t know i stopped
watching as soon as he
started cutting his
throat fuck that
shit yeah i’m
gonna need to
watch the whole thing
apparently he cuts his
whole head off the guys squealing and making
noises and so over that crap there’s coming out of his
whole like it’s
apparently it’s horrible takes a
while for them to saw his
head off and that’s how they kill him
hard to watch man
hard to watch they tied this dude up
you know just fucking cut his head off on
video next time you see a
video like that
go to cakefart com
and watch that instead and refresh your memory like
fucking gingers
cake fart dude it’s just this
woman that puts a cake down
and then she sits on it
and then she farts into the camera
and this the
icing and everything bubbles it’s
such a little fucking weirdo
i just think that
would be cool at
all because that
would be like ginger to your fucking
taste buds after
watching a deheading behead
i think all you up and tell you
about these websites
yes well it’s on my website my message
board you know i go to when i go to joebrogan
net that forum
i mean the forum
right now is
over three million
posts some guy
emailed me that though go to cakefarts
com and watch that
video that’s good
just in the main form there’s two million
seven hundred
thirty seven thousand posts now and then you
count the retard room
and all the other
shit on there
there’s more than
three million
posts or anything that’s fucked up anything that’s
crazy in the internet whenever it comes out
it’s like a portal to all
things interesting and fucked up so
just it’s my own website so i can’t get away from it
if there’s anything nutty that’s out there in the
world i have the choice whether or not to
watch it but i
don’t have the choice whether or not to know it exists
cause someone’s
gonna put it up there
you know like that
human centipede i
dodged that
human centipede
video for a long time
cause i thought that it was like a short clip
something fucked up like like
somebody who’s mutated or someone who did something
crazy to somebody
then turns out it’s just some nutty horror
movie you know the whole
story behind the
human centipede
did you go fucking see splice
no i downloaded it but the people who
even who are
pirating it
don’t like the
movie so like they don’t care
about the quality of the torrents
right now so i have
to wait till
because it’s so bad i couldn’t even
watch it was like i can
i’m not gonna pay to see this
movie the bad version
yeah it was a horrible version like that halfway
through the cameraman’s like oh this sucks
there’s nothing
funny little ones
where they do it in a
movie theater
when someone like how did it get away with that shit
just put a little fucking tripod on that the little
thing where the soda sets
they put a tripod
in there jack that sucker up and keep an eye out
for the guy
they got caught the door
people’s gotten caught just how they got caught no
they were going to a theater in chicago so that
big chain took
codes and you have them on the top side of your screen
right so it narrows
it down to the theater
uh huh and that’s how they nail you know so they can
break down the the images they can find
the movie boom they go
to the top and then it was out of theater out of like
where we go what’s that club we went to
it wasn’t chicago but it was
the one with the owner
sean it’s right
right in that area because i’m showing it
and it was an amc
and amc said fuck it so they
put codes on
the film now but how they know who did it though
they don’t know who
did it but i
guess the theater is getting
charged for it
so they have
to make sure
they have ushers that go in and look for cameras and
they find the theater
right with this theater
here at this theater
here this ring
all the ushes were part of the ring
oh so that’s how they knew that it was the
screen on dude i used to buy
old school bootlegs back in new york
walk down the
street be walking
home from a comedy club and there’d be some fucking
guy was like had a little box out looking for copy
these are the same
people they just put that put the
video on the computer yeah
these guys would do it
on vhs they
would make copies and
every fucking
copy would be you know
shittier and shittier
so if you came to do like a couple weeks
after the movie was out you getting like
fourth and fifth
generation vhs
copies of some fucking
bruce willis
movie so tomorrow you’re
gonna have bill burr
on the bill burr
is coming to tomorrow at
three o’clock cool
this weekend i’m in
three different places
i’m going on
a fucking mad canada tour
i’ll tell you
where i’m at right now
and we should
why at the end we
should always sponsor
is fleshlight
calm i know but
in the contract
we have to do at the beginning in the end really
yeah we have to say contracts
marsh smart
track all right
i’m in saskatoon
on thursday
night at the saskatoon arts and convention center
i’m in grand prairie alberta
at the cran
prairie regional college
and then i’m in winnipeg
and at the burton cummings theater so this is my
just three canada stop weekend
um looking forward to that canada is always a good time
they won’t let joey
diaz up there
cause he’s a fucking criminal
you ever try to get to canada
yeah they turned me down two years ago what do they say
they didn’t tell the
club what it was it just said my passport was no good
and i didn’t know what it was i you know canada
doesn’t let
you in if you have assault they don’t let you in
if you have a felony they don’t let you in if you’re a
drunk driver they don’t let you in if you fucked up at
all and they don’t fuck around man
but you know what
it’s one of the reasons why canada is so nice
canada is fucking
nice man people are nice as shit up there
especially in vancouver
cause vancouver
doesn’t really get that cold
you know doesn’t get like boston cold
and snows a
little bit here
and there but it’s a lot mostly rain in the winter
you know pretty temperate climate
a little rainy and shit you know gets
rainy but god damn it’s cool up there
restaurants are awesome people are cool
the ufc there was fucking fun as shit
i had a good
time but i it was it sucks i couldn’t do a show
because i usually have i usually booked at the
red robinson theater
and unfortunately they had a gig there already
and they couldn’t cancel it and
couldn’t so they
didn’t want me doing a
local show we like a little
place i’m like
what if i just do like a little rock club or something
like that they wanted me to not do it talk they
moved to ufc from utah because they couldn’t sell
ticket couldn’t sell any tickets on
sunday man that’s the
jesus day bro
awesome it’s like
the chick fil
a deck dude
in utah is very religious man people are very religious
you know it’s a strong
mormon community and a
strong religious
community just people don’t want to go out on a
sunday nights that
sounds amazing
who else the ufc
sounds like it’s
utah you know what
you know you can criticize that no
i just i could i
could i’m saying myself
but you know you’re looking
at utah’s a nice fucking place
yes nice there you know
it’s pretty pretty decent
place to live
and i heard a lot of
those utah girls are kind of slutty
of course they are all religious
girls are you ties
to tommy that’s fucking
crazy they get a little
crazy right the army base i used to
drive up there from boulder and shit
if you if you want your kid to be a freak
number one rule of
thumb is making religious
cause you’re
gonna get one or two
things you’re
gonna get a really
crazy scared religious
adult or you
gonna get someone who
rebels just sucks the
clock oh when they
snap and the
first time they suck that guy
sixteen she just snaps
she takes that fucking
cross and over the
cross curls up it’s an
exorcist the
dark in the
berry the sweeter the
juice fuck yeah
i can’t wait to get some
black dick to right
the cross is a
target what
the cross is a target
for what um
brian you know what
just took it to a bad place
there’s no need
to end the show on such a sour note yeah
baby jesus well
ladies and gentlemen
if you want to follow joey diaz exploits on twitter
is mad flavor on twitter m a d
f l a v o r
and also joey kokods com right
yeah website
joey coco diaz com and do you do do a facebook
yeah i got a facebook when i
fucking idea just joey it’s out
there find me cocksucker
what are we playing games here
you want to fucking
friend me or what
so follow on
follow my twitter fucking hilarious dude
where you at this weekend
donna summer
on friday bitches at the hollywood bowl
are you gonna go see
ray saying that fuck you you want to come friday
yeah i got studio i got
fucking tickets it’s
are inducting her in the hall of
fame having but
sex with that
night nobody no one nobody
we could take a bus
right from your
house that drops
us off right in
front of the fucking do you
need glow sticks
i got glows
i got a pacifier
let’s get there there’s a pacifier
joel joe can we use your pacifier
no you know what i forgot
how fucking good
donna summer was
you know i really forgot i put it in the
other day and i felt really gay
no dude this is this is what i remembered i remembered
when joey diaz told me
joey diaz and i were at the fucking brea
improv was it the brea improv
we’re the brea improv and i i pull up and my
truck has a real good sound system
and he goes put this in your fucking car
right now joe roland put this in your fucking car
he goes put on this fucking track put on this track
so he puts on hot stuff this fucking track right here
does this guy come out
oh shit
yeah so for you people on itunes joe’s playing a song
and he’s dancing
and joey doing joey diaz is doing the wave
and you could find me at redneck com
baby finding some weed to smoke
i’m trying to sorry for the vine
right now i’m trying to turn it down because joe is
gonna kill all your ears
mute mute mute mute
mute your laptop
there we go
ladies and gentlemen that’s not the most professional
thing in the world the
point is sorry about that
shouldn’t have me pushing buttons over here
brian i don’t know what the fuck
right right
right not me
no i’m saying it’s me
shouldn’t have me i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing
the point is
i forgot how fucking good donna summer was
we were smoking a joint outside the brea
improv in the parking lot
and joey puts on hot stuff
and i wrote a song
about it i mean i read a blog about it
about dawn summer
was a badass oh it’s amazing some of that
i wrote a blog
about that night because it was so
powerful i was listening to that
music i’m like god damn that
music was good
that chick didn’t give a fuck
i had the opposite reaction happened
to me last week when i put donna summer on a road trip
and my girlfriend goes what are you a faggot
i’m like yeah this does
sound pretty gay when you say it like that
does this sound gay that’s all
she had some jam and songs
beep beep
like i said she’s a very intelligent girl well
everyone’s got their own
taste prime
but today disc
on a summer is just totally unnecessary that’s right
every now and
then you got to respect the dissom shit that’s not
it’s not like cool to like but it’s
fine it’s totally not
gonna like journey
i was i was in a bar the
other day and and journey don’t stop believing
started playing
i was like god damn that’s a good fucking song oh
my god journey i have i listen to the one summer night
well summer
night was on the
other was fucking
great i’m like i forgot how good journey was
dude journey had some hits that guy had a very unusual
voice and god damn did he connect with fat bitches
fat bitches will go
crazy about
journey song
hey man kenny
the gambler
kenny rogers
love that they love that
chicken though that chicken company went on the
he had a chicken company yeah
kenny rogers roasters and shit you know jimmy dean died
jimmy dean sausages i’m not
gonna eat sausages
for 30 that motherfucker was 81 he just drank booze
every day and a sausage and he lived to be 81
can you imagine
the jokes and ha ha’s he had with his wife at work
you took my sausage you know shit like that
when that guy had so much
money i bet he just
mounted his wife’s face didn’t even ask her questions
pulled his pants i should probably didn’t even talk
about it yeah she probably didn’t say the
thing he’s so rich she probably stopped talking about
sausage again bitch
drinking whiskey just fuck in her mouth
shoots a batch down her
throat and walks out the door and gets on a horse
jimmy’s fucking jimmy
jimmy dean you had a billion dollar sausage empire
and he started out as a musician
right that there
wasn’t one of
those fucking things
it was you know what good for him this this episode is
dedicated to you jimmy dean
good for you you motherfucker
you made a living
selling ground up animals ground up pigs
alright folks that’s the end of this podcast
thank you for tuning in
we will see you actually tomorrow we got
one tomorrow with bill burr
same bat time same bat channel 3 p m
joey coco diaz
ladies and gentlemen a
black baby brian
red band michael
ladies actually this way
no there we go up
there i can’t get to you
thanks everybody we’ll see you next week
or tomorrow later