one two three
turn it up
the man leonard skinner the actual man
leonard skinner died is that what happened yeah i
guess he was like a gym coach
hang on let me eat this
mike condom yeah he was a condom free day he was
evidently the
gym teacher that they named their band after
really yeah
so he’s dead
that’s it that’s a wrap we all go folks
this show as all are sponsored by the flashlight
if you have not tried one duck stand up
and i know we were discussing this before the
break but we
decided to save it you have not i have not fucked a
flashlight are you
still a fan of masturbation everything
only in the most clinical
medicinal like
quickly get this out of me way
you don’t spend any time like lusting
no lust no none whatsoever
when did that stop happening
i have gradually over years
i mean i remember even at the man show i had fucking
no interest
in like juggies
just so dull at a certain
point time in your life you’re forcing it if you’re
still chasing it you’re forcing it
it’s like what are you doing
yeah i remember
if you had told me a twenty
you’ll lose your sex
drive i like what
would you do if you
weren’t trying to fuck people like
and then you
think at 43
what could i have done with my life if i wasn’t just
trying to fucking blow loads and chicks
well i definitely
haven’t stopped beating off but i see
where it’s ridiculous
i just can’t ones by the way
huh i just fucked one of the can ones the
one totally different than the other one
was like a drunk
sloppy chick
it’s really
sloppy and loose and oh
flashlight get on that shit
no it was good it was
manufacturing issues it’s mixing up your bitches
it was good
it’s meant for a different kind
of man brian
this is what it’s meant for
a girth here
see it looks like a beer
and you open the top and it’s a fake vagina
that’s the idea behind it that’s good
brian is not a fan of this one
no i fucked up i fucked a rubber vagina once
and blew a load in it
and then fucking just put it
put it away
and then a couple days
later i grabbed it and it fucking stunk
like all get out
to look at this one
it’s a fake
vampire oh yeah
that’s the vampire
mouth the twilight series
what is wrong with people
if the aliens didn’t need more evidence
that were retarded
and it’s time to land
look at this fucking thing
look at this
thing can they see it yeah
come on man really
a fake vampire
mouthy fuck what
yeah they’re good though they’re great the fuck
as far as masturbation
concern if i’ll try one
and if you think
about it in like the terms
of just being pragmatic and doing body maintenance
when you shoot a load with this you’re
gonna shoot a bigger load and it’s gonna
take a couple more days for you to
build up no one
could call you a sellout for this
why would they
i saw traps blue ribbon
sponsor a tour and i like
switch beer and for a minute
i’m gonna get drunk anyway
who gives a shit what kind of beer i’m drinking
not selling out there’s something
about pap’s blue ribbon that’s become cool again
like the fact that it sucks yeah
it’s been that way for a while
yeah the fact that it blows
is the selling point yeah
it didn’t used to be right it used
to be it’s like the hipsters is the poor thing for
three dollar
pbr i just don’t like drinking out of cans on
stage that was
my big beef get a fucking bottle there’s a
dude is a comic out of new york
named john tobin
and when we were
i was living i know that name
he says a radio show and i
think in buffalo
somewhere in upstate new york
anyway yeah
when we were
i was in my
early 20s we got
fucking wicked
drunk on on 40
ounces like
black beer you know like old english and yeah i
drank king cobras once when i was 18 and i had just
moved to la and we drank
i know maybe
three of them and i was passed out on a sidewalk and
yeah we had
these and we watched
the show of the
movie super fly
and did commentary on
super fly just
two white guys talking like black guys
drunk out of
their fucking
mind on forties on forties
it’s a different kind of
drunk it’s a reckless
drunk it’s engineered
by the government it’s pretty pretty
clear alex jones
was saying that
something is
given men estrogen
which is causing men to be gay it was like toothpaste
or some shit
it was one of my favorite
ones he’s ever done my manager said he saw you on alex
jones i haven’t seen it yet
but he said it was hilarious how you bug to the camera
when he was
going fucking too
crazy you just look at the camera and go
well it was a double whammy of
crazy because i was on with
eddie bravo
and eddie bravo wants to talk
about chemtrails because
eddie bravo
i love him to death but
eddie bravo is convinced that the government’s
spraying shit on us
this is a fucking
crazy story
and i even tried to come to
eddie bravo with some science i said well
i know this dude who’s a pilot
and he explained to me that
those clouds are created by
a certain amount of moisture in the atmosphere
combined with the
turbines of the jet engine and it creates
these clouds that’s what happens
this video is on youtube man this video is
and he just won’t buy it man
he’s convinced so here we are i’m
trapped and alex jones
i’m doing a documentary on that
right now the government is
definitely spraying us
that’s a hell of an alex jones
man and that
eddie bravo is going yeah yeah when’s this documentary
coming out i’m going fuck
because you really think the government’s
spraying the population like they
have in a day why
wouldn’t they do it at night not only that
there would be a lot of people tuskegee airmen
yeah this is a gynec es
just cut to skis
yeah yeah that’s what it is a
giant one for the whole population it’s
not really working it’s kind of a real slow process
but they’re
gonna keep the
spray going
have you ever seen those
like trucks that go down your street and
spray for bugs like in the middle of the night like
that’s more
scary because that’s real shit
the government
definitely has worked on some weather don’t get me
wrong i mean i
think for sure they have
sprayed people at certain
point in time you know there’s
video and people
could say oh there was some shit
i’m sure they probably tried it
i mean but it’s probably very specific areas
and for a very specific reason
and some fucked up
experiment they didn’t let the
people know they were in on but i’m sure they did it
but they’re not doing it
every day aren’t
they here too aren’t
they here they’re getting
sprayed on too yeah
yeah man but i’m immune to that shit
he posted this one
photo that was really
crazy and then i went
and i was like wait
where was this
photo taken burbank airport no no no it was
right next to lax
and i’m like
because i found the
store behind him was like the
store so they
googled the name of that
store and i
found out that he was
right next to lax when he took that photo
he believes in it man
he believes that there
are i mean who knows i felt really bad on his
show because i couldn’t really like
you know bust on him
because i know him we’ve
known him for years alex
jones yeah but
i couldn’t take him seriously and i couldn’t he was
he evidently thought i was coming in as more of a
on his side guy really yeah because he hasn’t seen me
since we did that
kevin booth
dvd i always try to find
things that i do believe
i try to be as
friendly as possible with them i really like alex yeah
he’s a fun guy
i enjoy going to the
we went to the
fights with them we
ate with him we hung out with him he’s a good guy
he’s just he’s just
crazy and all
wound up and
everything so i always try to find some common ground
where i actually
agree on them
like i always
bring up some stuff like
you know like operation
north woods yeah that’s the one that’s the good one
and you know of course you can get into the
kenny assassination but that gets a little
grades like knows what really happened there
yeah i can’t
put together last year very well so fucking
yeah the further back in history
the more open to interpretation
there’s some
shit though that’s really interesting that he
turned me onto and one of them was
one called operation midnight climax
where the government ran
brothels in new york and in san francisco
and where they did lsd yeah
on the johns that’s true yeah
and he turned me on
and i was like
wow and again
once you see that
those things are real
north woods and
mkultra all that
then you go well
they could be doing anything
and then you realize
i don’t give a fuck
yeah i agree it
doesn’t affect my day
i’ve been coming to that
exact same conclusion that
there’s certain
things in life that you’re putting all
your energy towards and they’re not helping you at all
right you know nor are they
stopping anything you’re not helping the
cause you know
you’re not out there
but it is worth
i guess pointing out so that
maybe someone somewhere
along the line hears some of the shit you say and
laughs at it
and thinks maybe
you know it’s almost like moving
one direction or another it’s almost like being at a
magic show and being able to go
i know how you did that yes all right
you’re still
gonna have a show
i’m not gonna fuck up your
whole vegas
experience but i know how you did it
right so check it me so when some
comics yelling that out
maybe just makes them up their game
maybe that’s all it’s something
stuff i’m interested in
but i had to stop with that making yourself so
alex jones like
where you just i get
crazy yeah i’ll be at
three o’clock in the morning i’ll be fucking
clicking on some link
about some new loophole
that goldman
sachs use and some fucking matt ty eb
article and i’m just
gonna fuck it’s none
of your business
not only that
i don’t what the fuck am i
gonna do you know
what am i gonna do am i
gonna devote my
whole life to this
you know i’ve got shit i like to do yeah i
wanna know how many times alex
jones shows up at a city council meeting
about fucking
street sweeping laws or some not
something he can affect
yeah that’s interesting he probably
doesn’t ever do that yeah
what about i
would do that doug stan hope but right now
demons are ascending upon our government they are deep
embedded in our political system
doug stanhope
you go on the road you tell your jokes you
think all swell and good
because are you
dying fema camp
don’t worry
about the volume
i mean birds
i was trying to do my
my i can’t do
it well what’s his name fucking conspiracy theory oh
jesse ventura
that show made conspiracy theories look so bad like
what we don’t realize is rumfeld
he’s got are
you trying to tell me that
kennedy assassination
might have been
yeah one lone
nut really well that way
they overproduce
it so he sits down with his writers
like and they
they hip him to some conspiracy
that he’s not
aware of but i’m
gonna go right up
and then he’s surprised that a
former governor
just can’t walk into the cia and look at files
whenever he wants the former
president founded
this is ridiculous
here’s where your
rights are going
ladies and gentlemen
he talks like he’s got a little bit of a load in his
mouth just just like he licked the tip
it’s just floating around with her
from minnesota
governor from torah
did you see
him on opie and anthony when jim norton tore him apart
no no i didn’t fucking beautiful he got
douchey with norton he got
bully with norton
and the last
thing you should do is get
bullied with norton because
that’s what people have done to him his whole life
and he’s like fuck you
he’s like physically intimidating when he’s talking
about like a
legitimate question about
9 11 or whatever it is conspiracy theories and he’s
legitimately questioned him
you know in
a really not a condescending way at all
ventura gets fucking
crazy and then norton gets crazy back
and ventura
winds up leaving and walking off the show
do you want to hear
it do you want to hear it yeah here we go yeah let’s
play it’s great
because it’s like
but most comics were picked on
most comics were douched around when we were younger
and the last thing
comics like is a bully
right you know as someone like this
so this was like
when i heard it i immediately
texted him and
called him up and
when i saw him i
said it was the most awesome
thing i’d ever seen
it was beautiful because jim norton is a
fleshy ball of
150 pounds and
jesse ventura is a fucking former navy seal his big
giant head and he’s
what was he
getting in his face or something he just got
stupid with him you know it’s like the way he describes
things if i take this out of the
stand will it
no tell me the
goddamn comic
good keep trying to lean into it
yeah yeah the
stand is an awkward situation this
whole couch is a terrible idea
i mean something i
can’t look over there
because not only do i not like to see myself but it’s a
delay so i’m seeing
myself minutes ago i don’t have to look at it i’ll show
you something
yeah i don’t like looking at it
we used to have a chat
and the chat the problem with the chat is it
would be like
faggot suck that car come come come like the chat
would be like flooded
suck my nigger dick suck my nigger dick
like a hundred times in a row and you’d be like oh
it’s such a fucking outlet of hate the
whole internet
i never like
google search my name or anything like that
oh was that that was awesome
wow that was google saying
do not be smircus
every fucking show i do
people will yell out dmt
every show you
every show but fucking if people are yelling shit out
that’s and that was i never even really did
i talked about it on stage a few times but
yeah i heard the audio you talked about the time
where you and i did it
where i thought you were gonna die
but every fucking
show like it was like my closing bit for years it was
one of the weirdest
psychedelic situations
for the folks at home
doug and i were
doing the man show and it was like in the
death throws
right was i
yeah we’re here
because we had to
spend all night writing trying to save the fucking
thing we knew
it was a disaster we got fucked i mean look
we both appreciate the fact that everybody was
by how that show came out but no one was more
disappointed than we were
the whole thing was a mess and
we don’t need to get into details but
if unless you want to no no no
it’s over it was terrible show
but there was some
great shit in it
i defy anybody
to watch the
my midget sketch
what is it another man’s
midget yeah was your sketch
i defy anybody to
watch that and
tell me that’s not hilarious were you trying to
steal the old
midget from the man show
and bring him over to the new man show with us
i mean it was it was the
wrong thing at the time because our show was not
anything the learning
experience was priceless
because that was my
first real television
and just knowing how they fuck it up we
could have done
something on the internet
we could have done something like internet
style where there was no
input whatsoever
and we could have had a
great fucking time right and
when they came to me with the idea the idea was we’re
gonna have nudity we’ll blur it out immediately i’m
thinking joey
d is gonna be
naked the beginning of
every fucking show
i was just telling someone
about that yeah
and then i said and what about
swears and they said you could
bleep it out bleep
out talk about whatever you want
they go it’s a good
thing if we get sued
this is what
stone stanley
guys told me
if we get sued it’s a good
thing yeah i’m like we are
gonna fuck shit up
i’m like i just can’t wait for abortion monologues and
fucking chaos and
when we got in there was a totally different
story soon as we got in
and the audience
wouldn’t have liked it any better no
they would have
still hated it but we
wouldn’t have had to fuck we
would have had to
bags on our heads
we would have had to rebuild and make a new audience
you know there was one
point in time when john stewart didn’t used to host a
daily show right you know people forgot
there was that
other guy and
it really we shouldn’t have called the demand
show we should have said
we are really into the idea of taking
over that time slot or that idea that doing this new
show they would have
told us to pound sand
probably go fuck ourselves we
might yeah yeah
they were convinced that that name was
gonna sell everything and that was
gonna be the big point
and his name
brand i’m like
but it’s not the same
show they’re not the same guys they’re not here anymore
none of the writers are here what the fuck you talking
about and you were doing
fear factor 14
hours a day that was
i got so greedy i was like i am
gonna have two shows at the same time and i was just
thinking of
stacking up that
money i could
never work again
never working
again i’m never working again
that was a dumb idea terrible idea you should
never do more than one
television if you
if you didn’t have to work
would you stop
no not stop doing stand up and maybe
i like doing the ufc too man
nothing i do right now is really work
between stand up i mean
i can regulate how many times a year i go out
and the ufc
it’s like i look forward to it it’s fun
it’s like what am i gonna do this weekend i
could stay at home and i can go to the movies or
i fly to indianapolis and i watch some dudes
beat the fuck out of each
other from five
feet away and i get paid for it i get to call it it
never feels like work
but if it was
like a sitcom or something like that yeah you
gotta shut it off
after a while
did you guys want to hear the
way that yes
yeah and let’s reintroduce this
okay this is so this is
jesse finchair on opie and anthony
and jim norton and him get into an argument right
you hear that yes
you sure that yes bodies identified
well we’ll just fly
with that what the hell my government told me that so
you know what
don’t believe my governor
you believe
saudi arabia’s got
over there flying
planes around
but here’s why i don’t believe my government
my government has lied to me so many times okay
fair enough
they lied to me
about the gulf of
target incident isn’t that pretty important yeah
you wanna go back
that far you
wanna go back that far with
kelly we can’t go back that
far in vietnam
you said to me that we were with those guys
because this happened in two thousand four now
so we’re not
going back that
far you said
we send our guys off to war without giving a shit
i’m telling you
that’s not true
when did you go to war
i’ve never been in the middle
so you don’t know but i say pull them out of
everything so because i’ve never been in the military
when we are attacked by i feel a nation
we should not it should be proven first
i feel we proved that you feel we didn’t you also feel
that fucking bush was behind nine eleven
so we’re always gonna disagree
don’t put fucking words in my mouth
you feel that the us government was behind it how is
that and i didn’t say that who do you think i just said
i just said it’s covering up we have not been told the
truth so you feel that well
okay wait a minute all right
if you’ll calm down a moment
you’re yelling you said the f word
you’re the governor please
i’m kind of like i’m on
yeah i’m on i’m on
jesse so yeah
you know you’re not
gonna let me talk
i’m out the door you’ve been talking the
whole time all you
do is yell over people and you don’t want to address
point by point
you act like we say send our boys to war fuck them
we’ve never said that i
agree with you but
i want to pull them out of germany i want to pull them
everywhere the us military
should never be
dying for other countries
i don’t care
what happens
get them out
of them i don’t care if kim
zardo takes this out
that’s not my business
i just think that if we are attacked
we have the
right to want our military to respond
so that’s not some war monger
saying fuck the boys send them over
that’s what i wanted to address
jesse just sits
and looks at jimmy why
awkwardly that was a fair
point i just made you were
wrong when you
said that i don’t know i didn’t listen hahaha
i talked over you
yes you’re just now yelling at me because
i’m not talking i’m not yelling at you i’m just yelling
about your point you accused
of something so it’s i’m accusing
you guys are just full of shit your
your warmongers
it’s like that’s not the
truth yeah yes
i stand corrected
thank you you’re a
great american
well how much i’m a great american but i’m not aware
when your country called you’re there hey
i’ve never been in the military
so you’re brave i’m a coward i have no
right we got let me stop there for a
second stop there for a second you know if you ever
listen to something and it was a long time ago
and you have it in your head as being one
thing and then
you watch it again
and you go wait a minute
well i remember when they had the loose change
guy on there and they fucking decimated him
but he’s not
he was not a performer he’s not in a position to
those guys the
fucking there’s so many new york guys and i
think jimmy norton is
funny is a great guy off the
cuff probably the funniest comic
when i saw when i saw the
video was originally
i must have not seen it all i must have saw just
jimmy shouting him down and he walked out of the room
i must not have seen the debate that went on the
discussion that
went on before it
i must not love
me too me too
i don’t remember that
i think i just remember him
standing up
at the point we’re
about to get
to i don’t remember that part at all if you
watch i just watched
the most dangerous man in america the daniel ellsberg
story what is that it’s a
he released the pentagon
papers he was a top
advisor to the pentagon during vietnam
and knew that it was all bullshit from the
gulf of tonkin
all this secret shit that we were doing and release the
papers to the new york times is
nixon called him the most dangerous man in america it’s
and it was like
twenty thousand pages
of all the fucking lies that you were told
about vietnam and
you watch that fucking
movie jim norton and tell me
that they don’t send
people into fucking to die for no reason
other than political
jim norton is a good
guy but he’s a republican he’s got like this right wing
lean to him it’s a lean
he goes conservative
and i think he does it
cause he gets support from them and i
think he likes it and i like the idea of it
and he’s correct
absolutely though a lot of people who are
liberals who call themselves
liberals are whiny
cunts who need to shut the fuck up oh yeah
no i think liberals fuck up more
stuff way more in my day
in my own personal life
yeah you can’t
smoke in bars that’s not republican
yeah you should be able to smoke
wherever the fuck you want if a bar decides they’re
going to stop smoking
and i understand it for the patrons that work there
but you can find plenty of patrons that
smoke and if
they want to quit well you know what they
should quit
the job and quit smoking okay you can’t be around
smoke i totally
understand your
point that it’s bad for your health
but there’s people that do
smoke could be more than willing to take those jobs
the old days when i was playing pool
all pool halls were smoking
and i didn’t mind
i liked it there’s something
about it man yeah
and i’m just i’m
using that as a frivolous example but it was the
first one that came to my but as far as the nanny
state itself is concerned
that’s mostly
liberal policy yeah
he so it’s norton’s anti
liberal you know and he’s
right there’s a lot of country fucking
throwing their
cigarettes out of
their prius how
many fucking times have you seen that i’ve seen that
seven times yeah
it’s cause it’s so ironic i always go number five
the fucking guy
throws the cigarette out of his prius the other day
with a meat is murder bumper sticker
i wanted to just
fucking grab him
and pull his head off
just just rip it
right off his fucking weak spine
just shut the fuck up
so i understand
where norton is coming from i
understand this rebellion
against but it’s
there’s absolute
proof that the
government has put people in harm’s way absolute
proof they’re profiting off yeah
relentless proof not just a few aberrations
but relentless over a course of time repeatedly
and no you don’t know
about it until
long years later so yes
the fact that i
would if i had to bet
money i would say
on some level
9 11 was an inside job on some level
but what they do is they take
every possibility
and combine them
as though they’re all actual facts they were not really
planes what we’re seeing are
drones ladies and gentlemen if you look
at the bottom
you can see the box very
clearly i’m looking at two
pixels one gray
one’s white i don’t know what the fuck
it is at all my fair is like there’s no parts of the
plane that went into pentagon but yet you look at a
picture and was like there’s this big parts everywhere
you know yeah there’s fucking broken
wheels and shit that plane
hit the pentagon for sure
there’s a video of
and people like the
video doesn’t look like a plane like
the fuck do you know it’s one
frame things go on
500 miles an hour
and it slams into a
building and explodes and why do you
think it’s a missile
it could be anything it
could be throwing a football
you know it
doesn’t matter
like there’s little
things like the fact that they show a lady
hanging out the
whole of the
world trade center whether the
plane made a hole
waving for help
and you’re thinking just logically
okay if it’s hot enough to melt
steel how is that
woman sitting there in a
dress waving out the window
how is she not on fire
so stuff like that
yeah that yeah
and maybe there is a
scientific explanation
for that well that is disinformation’s all
about right you say some
absolutely ridiculous
things like what people don’t know
ladies and gentlemen there were ufos
stationed in new jersey
they needed a distraction to get out of the state
they’ll add shit like that to
shit that’s real
right and then we’ll back
it all up exactly that’s what
jesse ventura
show did for
everything it was talking
about by being overproduced
yeah and acting like he never
are you telling me that yeah
we better get out
the files wait this is your tv
show you just walked in and you didn’t know what it was
gonna be about
well you know once you’re on the set what are you
gonna do if you’re anthony bourdain you
gotta eat the
snails here you are
another nine eleven
thing was the
the amount of people on
those planes
cause you and i we fucking fly for a living and when
you go there is like
thirty percent capacity
how often do you get on a fucking
plane where
there’s only
a third full
yeah very rarely
but oliver see
so again there’s
things that made me you
brought up building
seven questions
building seven’s the big one tonight
building seven’s the one
and i don’t
claim any knowledge okay this is a
people get all frantic when you
start you’re questioning the fucking official
story so what are you a
truther you and a fucking nine eleven
truther like
you it’s just interesting to me i don’t give a fuck
i didn’t i don’t know i don’t like new york
i was in irvine last
night that fucking horrible spectrum center this
adult destination mall and i said
i i said a fucking 9 11 happened here i don’t
think it would make national news
maybe maybe one
local guy would write
a letter to the editor
about how it ruined his reservations at pf jack’s
that’s pretty funny
but yeah i’m interested
but i don’t i don’t care it doesn’t affect my day
well i i i’m fascinated and i’m interested
and i do care i know you know all jokes aside
a lot of people died there and people knew people who
but people die
everywhere all the time
and it’s crazy
that you were we don’t such an influx of knowledge
right now that you can go online
and find some shit that you
should care about
and i had to fucking cut
my list is full
yeah we care
about enough already the
connections that we’re supposed to have
the people that we don’t know because they were born
in connecticut as opposed
to people that we don’t know that were born in iraq 80
i’m not buying that
that’s where it gets
ridiculous it’s like
with the connection
of information that we have with the internet
at a certain
point in time they’re not
going to be able to keep selling the
whole idea of
a planet or of
an individual country
or an individual
state they’re
going to have to eventually
just we’re gonna have to go to one one
one world government
you have to you know pro
new world order in that
sense yeah we have to be the same thing
we can’t be
fighting over each
other because
you know this
guys are like a million people die in iraq and amber
goes hey longs it
doesn’t happen over here
but it is that is over here it’s just
over here over there
it’s the same
thing some people
you don’t know that were born somewhere else
who fucking got jacked
like yeah and if we tore down borders i
could stop caring
about people closer to me
yeah it’s like you get
trapped in that
whole idea of you know this is my team
these are my people and
you know someone fucking plays a country
music song and
throws up a flag and i’m in fuck it it feels good
yeah feels good to be in right
right feels good to me
god bless america
feels good singing around with a
bunch of other people and you’re all
drinking where are
resilient people how is that
fucking badass
motherfuckers on the planet whoo
on july fourth
on a blanket
eighteen and you’re
drunk yeah and that’s how people get recruited
that’s how that’s what happens you know you
should it would be
great if if
generations didn’t overlap
what do you mean
to carry on the nonsense that if there was a
great ever if people like we just showed up now
with all the
you know the
basic skills motor skills that you know
instincts but we
still had the
innocence and ignorance of a baby
like one generation dies and then the next day the next
generation starts
so they can’t pass down
ridiculous notions like nations and
you ever stop and think when you see all this
crazy shit and this is what i’m on lately
they ever stop and think
about all this nonsense that keeps carrying on despite
the access to information that we have
and you ever look at it and go
maybe this is like a natural pattern
you know i’ve got this thing i’ve been tripping out on
about like animals
and natural instincts and like
we look at like wolves and we see the alpha
force the beta out of the pack we know he’ll likely
die on his own and we go hey you know that’s just
it’s hard as fuck to be a wolf you
know and they have to do that that’s natural
and we look at bees making beehive that’s all natural
but we never look at ourselves
as the direction we’re moving in is natural just
maybe possibly
super fucking incredibly complex but
ultimately natural
and this idea of
you know that we have so much control and so much
power over our future
maybe that’s a crock of shit
maybe the reason why all this nonsense is in
place is because
that’s like
almost a universal
order to keep this process moving
and the direction
it’s supposed to be moving in that was what i
probably didn’t get the word in edgewise but with alex
jones he was said
he was trying to make the
point because i
you know hugely
against procreation
and he was saying well you know
how fucking
if we don’t keep making
smart people then fucking dumb people
are you gonna have a fuck off
yes you will always be outnumbered and eventually
yes smart people don’t have to
exist well if
smart people stop procreating then you give the
earth to the dumb
and you don’t
fucking create poor bastards who have to suffer in it
i used to think that
until i had kids
i used to think that
like procreation like who gives a fuck what are you
gonna make another person does it matter
and then once i had kids i
started realizing well this can be fun
you can enjoy the shit out of this and you can make
these little
happy people
and it makes your life more happy
and it makes
their life happy
you get a chance to make this little person to
raise them happy i don’t
claim to have any
about what the fuck is
going to happen to the world
and although i take
your similar cynical view that
we’re fucked we’re
going on a certain road
overpopulation the
pollution of the environment nobody seems to care the
corporateization of
these small countries
and fucking rob them with
their resources and pollute
them and this and that and war and fucking chaos and
where the fuck is it all
going to go
i’m not completely convinced
i don’t think i have the answer i don’t think i
could have ever imagined that this
could have taken
place if i was
a monkey i could
never imagine that we’d be doing a fucking podcast
right now just sitting in my office
just shooting the shit and it
would spread through the internet
and you can do whatever the fuck you wanted and
that this would be the kind of
thing where you could
reach people
i get emails from people from australia
from fucking tanzania
i get italy
china i get
emails from all over the world
somehow i know that this is happening and
some of them say you suck
a lot of them
do i suck in
china most of my
emails honestly are really positive
every now and
then i get some u mail
youtube douchey
mail but i like to
think that’s
always one guy too there’s just one guy the only
douchebag that’s always the douchebag
but what my
point was that i
could never have imagined this taking place
so why am i pretending that i know how this is all
going to turn out
why am i pretending
that i have a little fucking doom man
it’s coming
apocalypse for sure
no not necessarily but that’s
when i stopped giving a fuck is when i realized i’m not
gonna procreate so it
doesn’t matter duncan
trussell mind fucked me last week
was it monday when did we do this
duncan monday
duncan mind fucked me on monday
by saying something
like how do we know how long we get to live for
and he was talking
about reincarnation he was like
maybe we live forever
maybe reincarnation is
you live this life and then
you think you’re fucking
going off a bridge in a truck
and you know you wake up from the
dream like fuck i almost died but you did die
and you’re just in this new
thing now yeah but
his life with embedded memories and embedded ideas
and you keep
going on and on
and there’s times
where i stop back and i look
at my past and i’m not i’m not convinced that was me
look dude see
these right here
these are all my martial arts medals
these are all from taekwondo tournaments when i won the
us open and a
silver medal in the us cup
we had a problem
ladies and gentlemen
you know what the make me hard sign
but anyway i don’t believe i won
those i don’t believe i really used
to do that i don’t believe i know how to do it still
and i go out i’ll hit the bag
or something like that i go on yeah
i guess i really
know how to
do that like somehow i know that’s in my head
but i don’t believe that that’s really me
you know that was
those so many years ago it’s a different
human being
every cell in your body’s replaced every
seven years yeah
you know it’s weird
about his uh
theory by the way i thought of this
afterwards unfortunately but
i understand what he’s saying
where you you wake up you’re like oh you know you
might have just reborn or whatever
right but you’re
still getting old the whole time
doesn’t matter
doesn’t matter you
might be right
the memory of you getting old is this life
you don’t know
whether or not the memory of you getting old is
just taken from another life or not you have no idea
you have no idea how long you’ve been here
it’s all nonsense
every time you wake up you’re
trusting that you’re on the same track
in the same game
that you’re you know
in the same fucking
movie and then the same
memento yeah
every time you wake up
look everybody’s
scared to die but nobody’s scared to go to
sleep and they
ultimately seem to be the same thing
i mean chemically they’re even the same thing your
brain produces dmt when you’re in rem
sleep and they believe it also produces it when you’re
about to die
and they think that’s responsible for all these
crazy near death
experiences and you know
you’ve had dmt you know what the fuck i’m talking about
if you didn’t know that that existed
and then someone
was trying to describe it to you they
would do it no justice
right they’d be like you
could talk you
could talk all day
yeah you can’t
describe it as what you always say before you try
and that shit’s happening to you
every night
and you’re gonna die and that shit’s
gonna happen to you when you die
we don’t know what the fuck we are
we do not know this is real
you assume that it’s real because
i’m agreeing it’s real and your ingredients
are real and we’re all in a room together
but this is all just
trust i’m just
trusting that you guys are even fucking real
you know i’m
trusting that you know what i’m saying
i’m trusting that
this day that i woke up
isn’t some new life that i just
started because i was some fucking
trucker in iceland
and i went into a frozen lake
you know who the fuck knows
you’re the only one that exists too
could be could be
it could be
everyone else is just
a part of your
brain well you
know that’s the theory there’s a lot of people
who subscribe to the theory that the reason why the
world is ending is because your life is ending
and your life is really
the creator of this universe and you this universe all
exists in your mind
and as you get closer to death
the world becomes more and more fucked up
fascism and fucking government control and their
chips in my brain
right really
and it was just always old people that
do that the most
sure it’s not like it was and
those you’re not like you were and
those old people by the way are in your mind
how about that how about
those old people aren’t even real
right the old people in your mind that
are playing this fucking game out with you yeah but
if you knew that if you knew that was the case it
would fucking ruin your day
what it though
i would still
enjoy the fuck out of it i still
enjoy it like it’s just a strange ride
didn’t you see groundhog day though
he didn’t enjoy that
yeah but that
was different the same fucking life over and over again
brian slightly
different we’re not talking
about slightly different
every time if i if i
if i consent that you
are just part of my imagination and i’m creating you
then that would suck
well the real question is what the
fuck that would suck
would a guy
why i’d wake up
every day and go what
should i have joe rogan do today
no since i made him up
no it’s not just me it’s you
you’re living in your imagination
i know i would hope that i have
a better imagination than my
it’s fucking fantastic look
if i am let me tell you something
right now if i am just a player in your imagination
i am honored at what you’ve created i
have you like fucking fly
across the room no
no no no no and kick
brian in the chest
with my imagine
like no you’ve done an amazing job
with your imagination
as a bit player
in your imagination i just want to tell you
thank you very much for
everything you’ve created
the pores it’s all brilliant
it’s brilliant
it’s brilliant i’m making you blow
smoke up my
ass no you you are
the master you’re the man behind the curtain
you don’t even
know exactly
what i’d have
you say if you were in my imagination listen
you’ve done an amazing
job what you’ve done in afghanistan the quagmire
you know what i really love i really love the drug war
references that you
throw into it
the fact that we’re over there
in afghanistan and they produces ninety percent of the
world’s opium
i love how you
made my imagination not only
would you be
heaving compliments upon me but
you’d give me
vaginas in a can to fuck
i want to lasso
you with the rubber dick
i want to thank you for the pouty lip stuff
yeah man i love
those myspace
pictures that you created
i love how you
made justin bieber justin bieber’s brilliant brain tape
right when you
think it’s over
right when you
think it’s over well there’s
gonna be no more no more no more
boom a new one more
ridiculous than ever before
that’s a fucking i
i don’t know why i know
i have to know who that guy is i don’t
watch any shows like that
i don’t even listen to music
but i know who justin bieber is i don’t
watch gossip
fucking show
it’s something
you could bury me in the ground under
eight feet of fucking soil
and leave me there like a fucking
david blaine trick
and i would
still somehow
find out who justin
bieber is and not know why i don’t know why either i
haven’t even
heard his voice i
do not even know what his
voice sounds like i want to get
yogurt with him
i don’t know what he looks like
i just know the name and he’s a big pop sensation cnn
com i go to for my mainstream news
okay i go there and there’s an
article kim
kardashian upset
about playboy
pictures she’s
upset cause some
pictures when she
posed for playboy in 1997 got released
and somehow they’re on the internet
that’s like
tiger woods
getting pissed off because they showed a fucking
old golf game
right you know like
what the fuck are you talking
about this is like real news
how do i know
about this i can’t stop reading
i wanna know the details
what happened oh well the guy who did the playboy
shoot he had a
bunch of images that were unreleased
and finally he released them
that motherfucker
especially since
you can get pissed
after you’ve had that porn
video either that porn
video was like one
of the dirtiest porn
videos i’ve ever seen
fucking throbbing
black dick okay
big black dick i
don’t know confident
young black man who’s
handsome and athletic
and she was sucking his hard
black dick that’s a wrap
you can’t complain
about anything
you crazy bitch
you made a video i
don’t know why i know her
i mean i know you know
her you know her because she
wants you to know her
and i fucking hate it
it’s brilliant
out of my head i do hate it but i don’t i love it
i love it i love the re tarnation of it all i mean we
again we would be out of business
yeah i didn’t have
everything in the
world to hate
we would be fucking
but we wouldn’t be funny
we wouldn’t be
funny if we didn’t we have
fucking name tags on right now
we have to have our hair cut over our collar
if i didn’t know who fucking kim kardashian
was i don’t
agree with the
whole buddhist monk
ideology of living wearing
robes no masturbation no fun
because then you miss out on some of the fun of hating
you missed out on some of the fun
there’s like a part of me that knows that this is the
wrong path to enlightenment when i
start shitting on people and fucking torturing them
but there’s another part that goes fuck you stupid
you fuck and
i’m trying to figure out the way
the internet
is it’s only a matter of time and it’s actually
going on now before the
just regular civilians
are open to the same kind of fucking hate mail
yes internet
trash talking that we deal with on a regular basis
where you know you go out to lunch
on a date with some
woman and she goes
puts on her facebook he had
stinky breath and he’s fat and it was boring
and she links to your facebook
well no the guy’s
gonna someone
from fucking 4chan finds it
and they start a threat
on and it’s
wned you know
email this guy your your fucking
you know consolations but you’re
gonna find out what people really
think about you and you’re not
gonna like it and it’s
gonna change what we take for
granted as just being honest
versus being civil
and people are really
gonna have to
start just like in
owning who they are
yeah i agree
and i think another
thing that’s
gonna happen is that this is only one
stage and an endless
stage of disclosure
and what we’re at
right now is the beginnings of
between all people and all information of all acts
everything you’ve ever done
everything you’ve ever thought
right we’re eventually
gonna be able to
literally sync up to one fucking hive mind it’s
gonna happen
google yeah it
might be google
right right google
might be skynet yep
well whatever you know
it’s inevitable i mean everybody wants
to look again
make me hard
ladies and gentlemen
the sign that keeps falling for the
folks that are on itunes that don’t get to see this
when doug and
i were on the man show i know we complained but
this is pure evidence yeah
that was the
best story about make me hard we
had a game show that we created called make me hard and
it was one of the best
things we did when it actually turned out
and the reason why it was one of the best
things we ever did is
because there was tranny
cock in it was tranny
cock yeah but
the show was called make me hard
and then when we
actually made the show
and when we
talked to the comedy
central people and everything
they didn’t
like hard hard was too dangerous they wanted it to be
make me stiff
and we were
like what the fuck is the difference the most this was
right up to the argument
right before we’re
about to tape to so
art department has to rush
they allowed fucking full
open tranny
cock open tranny
cock because we’re
gonna blur it out
simulated fellatio on a banana by a midget
this is what happened all the language this was the gig
there was a kid
they would strap them to a
chair and they
would put this harness
back up because
a lot of people probably don’t remember make me
laugh was a game show
where people
tried not to
laugh while
comics try to make them
laugh guys would get in
their face and say
silly things
so make me hard
we set them up
where they had this box on
their package
and we would decide
when it lit up indicating that they had an erection so
they had to try
to not get a boner during
these sexual
so of course it
would go off
midgets would eat bananas it
would go off and we had this
really hot tranny
she was so hot
that eddie bravo and i were at the comedy
store one night
and we were coming down we had a park at the
hyatt the comedy
store parking lot was full
and we’re coming
down the ramp but she was coming up and
eddie’s going
god damn that
bitch is hot
look this chick coming up right now
whoa she’s so pretty i go
that’s a dude i’ve seen his dick
that’s a lot yeah
like her name is vanity and she’s
totally believable if you ever
think that you can’t get tricked
by a tranny
there’s no way i
would know you
wouldn’t know
you wouldn’t care
yeah she blew a dude we know
and yeah just did it because
twice yeah twice
once on the set
and then once
and then she called him
after she was at her
hotel and he
went back the
next day or something he’s so hot we’re calling him
her name was vanity and you can find her like i
think it’s vanity
ts you google
i found it short of people
who’d blame him
so anyway the guy is
strapped to this
table and she
climbs all over him and
he licked her tits right
i can’t remember
poor fucking guy we tortured this guy’s memory forever
so he’s like everyone’s
going yeah yeah yeah people cheering
and then she pulls out this
tranny dick
that looks like a poisoned
monkey dick
that’s what it looked like
it looked sick
it had been hit with so many female hormones
it was like an old man in a wheelchair
that’s what a dick looked like
and she pulled it out
black it was
black is it functional
at all or is it just a
bunch of snow
no it’s done it’s all done i mean it’s just
hanging off
maybe it probably feels good when you suck it still
you know even a soft dick feels good if you suck it
right but i don’t
think i don’t think
unless she pops viagra
maybe she could
pop viagra and have
still have a hard dick
but she’s just so full of
female hormones or he is
do you know it was something that’s kind of
crazy and i
before i shouldn’t have ever said this but now i
think i can
do it i used to
start reading penthouse
magazine recently
right and there was this
thing at the end of the
magazine that said
coming next
month pet of the
month and there was this girl’s
photo and stuff like that
so i became friends with her on twitter
just to follow her around to see who this girl is
and then the following
month she wasn’t
to the ped of the
month and then so then i
started following her twitter a little bit more and
she’s a guy what
and they just kind of
kind of like
they just swept it
under the rug yeah
so a dude snuck in
and became a penthouse pad
with a fake
vagina they obviously
did a photo
shoot because it was saying what’s this dude’s name
i don’t remember man it was like
and you gotta come to the
table it was
like where’s alex
jones on this way i
could tell you what
months it was it was like june
well how about this how
about you google that shit
find out i don’t
think it’s no one
caught it i
think really i
think i just
noticed it because i followed her on twitter why do you
think she’s a dude
because she’s a dude if you
know cause you sucked his neck no
if you looked at her and then she talks
about it she was talking
about it on her twitter for a
while she was talking
about being a dude yeah and then
her twitter just went away
whoa they paid her off
you think they
paid her off i killed her
she’s fucking can you
imagine if you were she a
truck driver and
this is all allegedly let’s just say you’re a
truck driver in cincinnati
and you beat off to the fucking july
edition of penthouse and you find it was a dude
he probably got a good lawsuit
some fucking
like it was like well you look
at a gay bomb
i just want to know why they didn’t notice that it
maybe how could you tell
maybe she has a disease
maybe or something
what maybe she’s
maybe she has a disease
what the fuck does that mean brian
something bad
that world the
whole world the fucking sex world
that’s a strange
world yeah yeah it’s pretty fucking
i don’t hate to
use the word shallow
yeah but yeah it’s but that
using the word gives a
different connotation than what i mean but they really
there’s not it’s
like sex itself there’s not a lot of ways to go with it
right alright i
stuck my dick in a can
alright is it different
does not so the people that are involved in that
tend to be people who are
easily amused
yeah what i always said
about like there was a
bunch of friends who
they took me to this marijuana policy project
thing at the playboy mansion
and they were all going off
on the mansion no
hefts the fucking
man look what heft did look what heft that
and i stopped
about i go do you guys
understand there’s a big difference between
being attracted to girls like you are
right now you guys are attracted to girls there’s a
giant difference between that
and making a living taking
pictures of them
naked so guys can beat off
and that’s the
whole world you live in and you have a mansion
and you pay them to hang out with you because you
think that it’s a cool image
so you have all
these girls that you’re
you have the payroll
and you’re this old dude like you’re
the fucking man that’s one of my favorite fucking
bits you ever did
other half a bit yeah
those lucky
lucky girls
there’s something fucking creepy
about that there’s creepy
about anybody that’s getting
money off of
other people being
naked and they’re rich
and the people who
think they’re poor
right like that’s that’s yeah and
again it’s all it is is fucking
nudity and fucking yeah
it’s like playing a kazoo
you know there’s only so many fucking
you can put a
whole bunch of kazoos
together and make a kazoo orchestra it’s just
that is true
music at the end of the day but
that is true but if you’re a
young raging man with a fucking throbbing boner and a
strong sex drive
right and you’re you know
you’re 20 you know 1920
and you’re hanging out in vegas
and you’re at a club and you’re banging new
chicks every night
that’s exciting
right no it is
it is but that is a
market that’s been created
by the false morality in
people that are
against sex and make it this difficult
thing to obtain
if people were just fuck
right away and
get that out of your
system you could
like europe
well i don’t
know no they’re more liberal
but yeah that
again you don’t see when
you go to europe you don’t see the shit we have here
fucking sex
and advertising and titties on a billboard because
it’s not built up to be that big a deal such you know
such a yeah
what’s the word
fucking holy grail
just to see titties
so they don’t
it doesn’t have the
leverage over there that it does here
it’s like remember we both grew up in massachusetts
and a lot of catholics in massachusetts
catholic school girls
i mean it’s a fucking it’s a joke it’s a long
standing joke
right why are catholic
school girls whores
i mean not whores why are they freaks
why are they
freaks they’re
freaks because
that’s the last
thing their parents want
right that’s the last
thing the parents want to control them the fucking
teacher wants to control them
they make them wear
crazy outfits
then also those outfits become hot
you want to fuck them because they’re wearing
those outfits
is that the most ironic
cheerleader leaders catholic
school girls
and fucking
that outfit
schoolgirl outfit
that’s the outfit i like it
like old guys when you’re like
watching football and thanksgiving and
like yeah i’d
watch it just for the cheerleaders
like you’re from a such a repressed
sexual place that just a girl that’s
vaguely skimpy
growing up oh oh oh death
do you watch mad men
i’m fucking absolutely
i heard it’s awesome
it’s fantastic it really
if you look at it it is a glorified soap
opera but that era is
so well done i’m not
totally familiar
with the show i’ve only seen like little clips
advertising from the 1940s or 50s
late 50s early 60s
here’s what i know
about that show there’s a
breadhead on
that’s ridiculously hot
yeah she’s pretty hot
she’s got fat this year it’s a big to do what
she’s gotten
yeah she’s gotten
wider in the legs
a little lazy
it became some big to do where yeah
cause people have
pointed out that she got fat and then there’s the
other how dare you say
she’s fat that
season one money
like you wouldn’t be
happy to be with her
but then why can’t she get fat
she’s a professional hot
chick she can’t get fat she’s just i’m saying she’s fat
fat is a description
you decide it’s an insult
yeah that’s true
it’s a description
totally true indian you’re indigenous
right it’s a description you’re fucking tall you’re
short you’re fat
i used to have a joke
about mexicans it wasn’t
about mexicans but it was
about the roswell incident
where you know they the aliens
you remember
the joke was
no i don’t remember the joke but
the joke was
you put roswell and it’s
gonna be a mexican
joke i’m already kind of well
the joke was that the government released
they had a press release to say they had a crash ufo
and alien bodies and
the alien bodies is bullshit i
did it just to
make the joke better
and then the next day they say they came
out and say oh we made a mistake it was just a balloon
and i said what
about the aliens
those are mexicans they were on a balloon they were
drinking some shenanigans took place
i said that in one
night at the comic
store and this
chick yelled
out hey yeah
like describing mexican
as a mexican like
i said anything
wrong with mexicans
i’ve never had an anti
race joke in my entire life but any race
so to think that i
would do it
about mexicans but
just that i said mexican
it was like she had a
right to stand up
hands on hips
long nails stretched out
hey like she
found a fucking she
found an opening i had to stop
i had to stop my show and address the
issue oh i still
don’t know if
she was something you’re not supposed to say
my friend brian once got mad at me
night this brian
brian fraser a writer
there was something
happened and i said i was trying to chew you down
and he’s jewish
and he was super
super sensitive and he got really mad at me it was
right i mean
it was kind of a
racist statement
but so but but
i’m italian and if you said oh
look at this fucking
dopey guinea
you know with his gold
chain and his
stupid slicked hair i would
start laughing
you know it’s not me okay
it’s what are you acting like a guinea
you know if i had a
chain on he was like what
are you acting like a guinea
i wouldn’t be upset
but jew you down like someone’s trying to jew you down
that’s a particularly insulting sort of a demeaning
expression about jewish people and he
got that they
try like a margaret yeah
they’re a little bit frugal
no fiscally
again it’s a
self imposed oh
shit i’m gonna be
he got so mad once
this fucking guy
brian was he’s a really
funny guy he was a
great comic
but a really high strung guy and
he stopped doing comedy i
think he just writes now
we had a gig together for months
and by the way
he was a bodybuilder at the time and all natural
but enormous
proof positive you don’t
have to do steroids to get big because i know this guy
never did anything he was eating like
broccoli and
never even took vitamins
but he just was obsessed and had
giant muscles
to the point
where i had to tell him
you can’t go on stage with
t shirts on
like you go on
stage with t
shirts you’re scaring the fuck out of people
you don’t look
funny you don’t look funny
you don’t need to wear
a suit or a long
baggy shirt that
covers you up you’re intimidating
i can’t look at anything but you on
stage with these
giant muscles
so we did this gig together on the road
and he had a sore throat
and he was apologizing for the sore throat
you know he’s like i’m
sorry to the guy who run the club and
he goes i’m
sorry i was
a bit sick all
these guys please you were hilarious he killed
it was great you guys were awesome
and he goes i’m just
sorry i just really
i wish i could have done a better show
he was really just a nice guy
and the guy goes
relax really complaining
what are you jewish
he says it’s cause
brian had a crew cut and he has blonde hair
but yes he’s jewish
his fucking name is brian frazier
like frazier’s a jewish name like you
wouldn’t even put that together
but then you think joe frazier frazier
is a jewish name isn’t it german
i have no idea i
wouldn’t i wouldn’t see frazier and i would see frazier
i’d say frasier’s a german name though
isn’t it true
you know i don’t know the
whole okay it’s not
lebowitz it’s not obvious but
i mean the guy look
he’s blonde he’s blonde and he does not look jewish
and he’s a bodybuilder
he looks like
some dude you pulled out of a farm in iowa and he’s
ready to fucking
kick your ass and date rape your sister
right that’s what he looks like but he’s a nice guy
brock lesnar
is what you’re saying exactly you can’t say
because you’re artist
so he goes fucking nuts and he can’t talk
cause his voice is quiet
you fucking asshole
i am jewish
and he’s red in the face and this guy can’t realize
that he’s telling he’s being serious for like the
first couple seconds
i’m like fuck what am i
gonna do here i’m like what am i gonna
fight my friend to keep him from killing this asshole
i’m like i’m here in vermont i’m
thinking i’m
gonna go to jail i’m running through this hall
and brian is just big
giant tree trunk neck
you fucking asshole
i am jewish any serious
and the guy has to realize that he’s serious and
brian is like leaning over the desk
like screaming in the guy’s face
so what happened i have
to talk him down and nothing happened this is fucking
story of course he’s jewish
jews are very
upset about
being called jewish
but the senior
waiting the jewish
well he was jewish people complain yeah
they just complain a lot they’re
never gonna really do anything right
what why you why you have such a sense of guilt
what are you jewish i’m sorry i got that from
every fucking jewish comic i’ve ever heard
that’s why i say that i’m sorry
yeah there’s a lot of guilt going on in the jew world
again if ari shafir has the best story
about being you know
ari was raised like really
strict orthodox jewish and
he had to read the tom wood
like ten hours a day he
lived in israel like he did the whole deal
and he said that
they told him that masturbating when you masturbate
your seed when it
leaves your body goes into a
demon and gives
birth to handicapped babies
which is true
absolutely true
could you fucking imagine if somebody
that’s that’s what your mom was telling you and
you’re like oh my god i know this can’t be real but i
gotta go with it
this crazy bitch i’m
never gonna figure out like
walking through the ball and apologizing to people in
wheelchairs and
when i was in the
first grade i went to catholic
school and i can very remember very clearly
thinking that i’m fucked
cause i know
i don’t know what life is all
about but i know
these assholes don’t either and they’re the ones are
gonna tell me
they’re the ones
gonna tell me and i’m fucked
i’m fucked cause they’re not telling the
truth and they’re not
right and i’m fucked
i remember that
that thought i really remember it from being like six
that’s a terrible fucking feeling for a kid
to think that
the people that are that are raising you are retarded
no wait what’s
going on i’m
gonna jerk off into
a demon’s pussy
and it’s gonna make a retard baby really
really yeah you got a fucking
video of this
you know could
you just why are you just saying this
you just you know because it was written somewhere
and you’re gonna
teach me and i’m five you fuck
i always it was
no that was
sorry that was someone else i was just talking to
no i thought i was just telling him this it was that
stupid meeting i had with that lawyer guy
but yeah i would yeah duncan
hopes lawyered
up ladies and gentlemen
i am lawyered up
looking high
power duncan
crazy the guy showed me he had
an autographed
sheet of acid
from timothy leary
that’s a good lawyer that’s
when that’s on your lawyer’s wall
that guy might go to jail too yeah what
he’s going to jail first
i’m sure it’s not he’s going to jail acid
he’s going to jail
first and you have to wait five years
with the artwork
before you write the book you have to wait five years
that’s the court ordered
thing i know there’s profit off of it for five years
after he goes to jail i had a fucking great joke that
there’s a statute of limitations like this 13 more
months before i could do it
really yeah i’ll tell you out there wow
this is awesome
one of the fucking coolest
things about being friends with doug stanhope
i get to know the joke
you bitches don’t get to know shit
it’s weird having material that you can’t do for 13
months yeah
you know what you should do
how strong is this
story how strong is the story
well the story itself is
strong but this is what i think we
do but there’s one joke
well the story itself i think this is what we should do
i’m actually doing
the joke i just had to change it around a little bit oh
you know what’d be cool though is if you had a show
where you organize a show like say in
phoenix denver whatever pick a city
and then told everybody online
in fourteen months or
you know thirteen
months two weeks
i’ll be well
i do it on the fucking road if it were
a decade ago
subject to us
mother mother
okay oh you know you know
right oh the
mother did something that you perhaps
could be legally responsible for
some along those lines yes it’s just
you’re talking
about right
and i’m talking
about yeah mother
mother we had our
own hand yeah
but that’s yeah
all we needed
yeah we had
our moms on the
the man show
yeah it was cool it was really fun oh yeah
but i realized that my mom was not nearly as
crazy as your mom your mom’s way more fun
my mom was boring but
your mom your mom’s hilarious
your mom used to review porn dude
we had doug’s mom reviews porn
was the best bit that we did
she was so terrified
about that and she
moved to la to be an actress
and she did all these like
films for no money and
stuff but when it came to working with me
she didn’t even want me there she was so nervous
about me being there and me
thinking she was
funny she was
great she was
great your mom was hilarious
and the whole idea just the beautiful
thing was like you have this new
vehicle for writing comedy you can
write through your mom and your mom was
going to do it in
these sketches and it was
fucking great
really i mean
the move would be honestly to just have
only right for your mom
we give her
everything well no she
tried to do
stand up comedy and it was
one of the most terrifying
awful that’s when i met you i
think she had been on
stage at the
night i met you at douglas didn’t we
it was called
union it was next door to douglas
right right
right yeah you’re right my
mother had gone up to do open mic and it was so
awful it was like the
worst fucking comedy
you’ve ever seen
and everyone knows me and i
think you were there
kind of remember it now it’s one of
those things
where you just you just
how do you guys meet
where you dusty what
were you doing
at the time when you it was a
show at this bar next to dublin’s it was i’d heard
about him i’d heard
about him from uh
joe diaz we got
this radio stand up so
funny motherfucker you
gotta meet that kid
he’s good we on
fucking funny
yeah i think he was
yeah that’s what that’s what joey said he’s one of us
yeah we’re real deal
where’s joey i don’t know he’s in hollywood
i saw him i
haven’t seen him for years i try to
bring him tonight yeah i get to get his
number i lost all of fucking
when i lost my
phone what the fuck thug stanho
not gonna lose my
phone i twittered my
phone number accidentally
oh yeah i think
i saw that somewhere trying to send it to doug benson
doug benson was
going to the
vegas for a
ufc and i was like
here’s my number get in
touch with me get there fuck
i realized once i sent it out that i sent it out to the
whole world or at
least a hundred thousand people
fuck that was it so i got
how many calls did you get my phone my phone
i would turn it on and would have so many texts
that the text would be coming in
every time i vibrate with a new text
it would get to a certain
point was like a hundred hundred
fifty and two hundred and
where the phone would just bang shut off and reboot
wow the blackberry
would go black and it would reboot
right on they don’t have in my
girlfriend was on my facebook and accidentally
went like online
so it shows that you’re online
to all your facebook people’s in the fucking chat
things just
start popping up
so it’s like
a fucking shut this off
i don’t have that set up like that i don’t
think no you
just have to turn it on your yeah she had it
she accidentally
turned it on somehow
i don’t mind
twitter and
stuff like that but
you can’t let everybody let’s
like when we had the chat online with the the podcast
it was just too much too much access
right too much freedom
fucking anonymous cunts
broken bottles up
their assholes
smashing keyboards
fuck you you fuck you know
too many of them
and it’s too many
that’s what i
get into with the
mother thing
like i would i used to be able to tell
jokes yeah i’ll take one definitely
i’d be able to talk
about shit like that on the road
ten years ago because
they didn’t have
the fucking youtube everyone with a cell phone came
what you do is you i won’t tell
those stories on
stage because
there’s one of you little fucking rat fucks
finks out there
that’s got a youtube it and
then put it
whatever it is i fucked around on my
girlfriend last night i
would fuck around on
girlfriends all the time and if it was a
funny story i
would tell it on
stage the next night
cause they don’t know my fucking girlfriend
right but now you can i’m in pittsburgh
that’s just
who’s who are they
gonna tell but now
yeah it’s every fucking show has some little fucking
bitch that has to
prove bryant
pointed this out and i’ve been saying it on
stage that bootlegging is not even difficult anymore
the expression comes from when you actually had to have
heavy equipment in your boot
and it was very difficult to get
now anyone can do it so you’re not fucking cool for
i got fucking tape of it
yeah everyone’s
equipped for it
every phone you buy
has the ability to record video
except for mine
i have one that’s the biggest
piece of shit i can’t even really text on it because
i can’t figure out
how to get a space like
how about that
how’s that yeah it does you’re fucking 19
why are you
trying to avoid the future
well because i
don’t enjoy i don’t like talking on the phone
i certainly it’s your fucking this is the
space right here in the
lower right hand corner oh the lower you
see the undercase
like you a long stretched out
double wide u that that’s a space doug
when i first met doug one of the
first videos i ever filmed ever was
going to ohio university
and it was parents weekend
and doug it was ed helms doug and the dude from
chappelle show the real world
christian finnegan chris and finnian and so
they think it’s a
they advertise as a clean
they accidentally put it
under family friendly events for parents weekend
so parents with their incoming freshman children and
it was almost a
riot and i filmed it from the back with the shittiest
camera ever
and it’s the worst video quality ever but
you could see people
standing up
screaming at him and doug just went harder
and harder it was like let’s do abortion material
and it was like parents just crying it was like
600 walkouts or
something yeah it was amazing
that’s awesome
i did a show i know i miss
those days like having an audience that
knows what they’re there for you miss out on all the
chaos old school fun that
people being mad at you
i did a college
in all of that michigan and that was the same situation
where they were told that i was clean
somehow another
barry katz probably told him that
cocksucker he
was a booking
agent i get there
i go on stage
i’m standing on two cafeteria
tables in a high
school cafeteria that’s where the
tiny little
tinny speakers
and it’s a football
college they’re all football players
fucking faggot
like right when i get on
stage just yelling faggot
faggot fucking faggot
and so i just start
lighting dudes up left and
right and when i do
this guy comes up to the the corner
stage and he
alerts me unless you are not allowed to
swear in this show there’s no swearing
and i’m sitting here
these guys are
screaming faggot at me
i’m standing on two
tables and if you’re pretending that
these are real rules do you have a structure
there’s special words and are not allowed with
your shitty fucking setup and this ridiculous
so i turned to the crown i go this
motherfucker you see this guy right here
he just told me what do you guys you guys are at
least 18 right
you’re old enough to die for your country this guy
doesn’t think you should be allowed to hear
swears do you believe this shit
this motherfucker right here told me that i can’t swear
do you believe this shit
and they started
going crazy i go
let’s burn this fucking
place to the ground
and you start
throwing chairs and shit and going
crazy and screaming
and i’m laughing and joking around while i’m selling
another don’t burn to the ground
so the guy goes
say whatever amy’s gay too by the way
so i don’t wanna make it seem like i’m adding a list
to this guy’s
voice the list
existed he goes
say whatever you want
there’ll be consequences later
wow that’s we said say whatever you want
like i’m gonna do what the fuck i do son you get paid
yeah i got paid he had to pay me yeah i didn’t i
didn’t really
get paid because this is the days of new york
where barry
but what barry cats used to do is he
would book these colleges and
you would get a
check and the
check would be to new york
you would give it to new york
entertainment and then they
would cut you a
check supposedly
well barry’s expenses got a little out of hand so he
started spending people’s checks
and wasn’t paying anybody
but i was i had done a college gig in tampa
and then i banged the girl who booked it so i went back
for whatever reason
i don’t know if it’s in the same trip but anyway i want
she had booked it was
backstage and it was
daryl hammond
i think it was
brewer it was
three guys from saturday
night live and
when they get off
stage they like
so where do we go to get paid and she goes oh
barry said to just send i sent the
check to him
and they all fucking went
no you fucking gave it to barry cads
motherfucker now we’re
never gonna see our money
this is like in the
mid to late 90s
barry katz was one of the producers on
the first last
comic standing
he’s not involved in it i don’t know if he is
maybe he is i
think he is
famous manager yeah
and dane cook i think
maybe it was the first one
where it was me
i was one of the
judges monique and
buddy oh that’s
right yeah i forgot
about that i
got mad at me because i called ant out on
stealing yeah
and was like
stealing shit from movies the
lines from the
movie boiler room
about manhattan
some guy comes up to a gay guy and goes hey
they should put you people on an island he goes
they did come manhattan
it’s funny i have the actual
pilot of the
last comic standing that
had you in it you have that i have a copy of it fuck
why is it not on youtube
it is on youtube i have it somewhere on youtube it’s
called shit
funny house i
haven’t seen it
yeah seriously i don’t
know i looked high and low for a
j more you and
yeah i did the presentation
pilot for last
comic standing
and a presentation
pilot is what they’ve
filmed to show the network what the show
would look like if
in order to get picked up so i
lived in a house for
three days with five
there were five
comics total and we
were the comics john heffern
was the only one
that you’d know
well there’s alex
stewart is a
black comic yeah
all right him and
it was really funny jody
something i can’t remember her name
and then some
other chick that dates some comic
so the only
one that made it through to the heffron won the
second year
second year yeah yeah
after the after the
first year because they
were they were acting like well if this gets picked up
you’ll be on
it that’s why my manager talked me into doing it
it was less money
to do the presentation
pilot than to be on the road
but my manager’s like well
you know if
it gets picked up i mean it’s already a presentation
and then we’re sitting in the
house going
if this gets picked up
how are we gonna
act like we don’t know each
other all coming into a
house to live together
i go i don’t
think we’re
gonna be on it if it gets picked up
fuck jay moore
fucking cocky little cunt
jim norton was on the first
season wasn’t he
but he had to like
leave halfway through because
i like to pretend
comics that i uh
i don’t know because i left bisbeer
to live in bisbe
arizona so i don’t know what’s
going on in comedy
so because i don’t know what they’re
doing i just assume they’re washed up and it’s a
happy thought
and then i’ll find out
fuck he’s got
i don’t know i don’t
watch network
he’s on a fucking
tv show i thought that guy’s washed up fuck
yeah there’s a certain few guys you root root of crash
yeah there’s a certain few
when you find out they’re not doing so good to you yeah
you fucking prick
but you have to know it affects them
you know you
i don’t you’re not a boston comic
no but not at all grew up
in worcester in worcester tell us
as soon as i was old enough to
leave i you are a
boston comic whether you like it or not
there’s a reason why there’s so many fucking
funny guys from that shitty part of the country
it’s not shitty
which it is shitty yeah the weather shitty the girls
i think everything
about well not everything girls obviously
hyper believe it
i did not know the girls were nice till i
moved to la i didn’t
know they were capable of being nice fucking nasty
fucking dumb as shit we’re
fucking hillbillies man
eddie bravos
eddie bravo
made this girl
met this girl in boston
and she it was
just a fucking hail mary sacrifice two in the
morning move way back in the day many many decades ago
anyway she goes
while he’s like making
out with her and pulls his dick out whatever he goes
she goes you’re
gonna tell your friends
that’s all i think
about girls in boston
you’re gonna tell your friends
that’s what i remember growing up i remember
the only time i ever got to fuck with the girls were so
sloppy drunk and belligerent
that it was like we had to
argue before we got to fuck and
then when we did it when it was over i was like oh i
gotta go home get me the fuck away from this
you better fucking call me
you better call me
there’s still like that
is it the cold weather
is it the fucking
savages that live there that
came over on boats from ireland one of my first real
girlfriends when i say
sixteen seventeen
i kept in touch with her
remotely here and
again and i remember
i had to be in my 30s
going back and i call in
yeah we’ll have a drink
and hey you look really good and she goes
yeah she goes
yeah well maybe if you hadn’t
fucked sherry
munson we’d
still be together
17 years old
oh that’s hilarious
oh that’s so fucking funny
but they do they hold on to that shit yeah forever
that’s a fucking get out of jail free card it’s one of
those few pat myself on the back times in my is
is just comparing
myself to most of the people we grew up with
and knowing that one
night in my life
would be something they
wouldn’t remember
that would be like the fucking biggest
shit i don’t remember doing i’ve done
television shows
that i don’t remember
oh you were on my show and i’m like yeah
sounds familiar
if they were on the news once in the
background they’d have a still photo of it
somewhere in their fucking grubby fucking foxboro
framing ham fucking route
nine the auto mall
oh that’s so true
there’s a feeling
that i get when i go back to that part of a country
when i go to framingham
i go to natick
you know i’m in the natick
mall when i
drive through newton
there’s a feeling that i get there i escaped
i got away from you fuck
you fucks are
trapped here that’s what i feel like in ohio
same thing but i have to
admit it’s one of my favorite
places to perform
they’re fucking
crazy in boston and they don’t give a shit
but they want
to hear the real
shit they want
to hear the real shit
they had the best comp
when i was coming up in the
1980s boston had the best
local headliners in the country they were better
we’ve talked
about this on the show many
many times we talked
about it when dane was on we talked
about it when
a bunch of different guys were on
they were the best
comics in the country
there were local headliners
don gavin was the best
comic in the country at one
point in time but no one knew it
he was the best
i got to watch guys on hbo
i got to watch guys when they
came in town and did live shows and i got to see don
gavin i’m like he’s the best
he’s the best
he’s squeaky
clean and he’s
crushing destroying
the point where i feel like i’m
gonna quit i’m a fucking
fraud what am i doing i’ll
never be like this
and we got we had we were forced
to see that like early on
you know boston is a very strange
place when it comes to comedy man yeah it’s
it’s fucking incest it’s an
incest pond
fucking appalachian mountains of comedy
y’all ain’t welcome around here
it’s a fucking town of redheads
we don’t send none out we don’t accept none in
there’s something
about it though it’s a fun
place because the fact that it’s so cold there
and it’s so fucking miserable for five
months out of the year five months out of the year
you’re like what the fuck are we doing living here
when you walk from your car
to your house when you shut your car door
and run to your fucking house cheese grilling
and you get in your house you like fuck
fuck fuck you shut the door and you
stand there
for a couple seconds and the summers are fucking
wet and full of mosquitoes mosquitoes
i was gonna say that there’s one day in fucking october
where you kick through some golden
fucking dead leaves under your feet
and it’s at perfect crisp and you go god
see i love the change of
seasons no you don’t
no you don’t you love that
fucking one day and that’s the only one you noticed
and if there were
other nice ones you had to work
you kidding me oh
it’s so true
so true there’s nothing
worse than working a shit job in cold weather
terrible i didn’t have
to get up early
to work a shit job i did construction many many
years my dad was an architect so like throughout high
school when i wanted summer jobs
i got jobs on construction sites
but every now and then
i would do something in the winter and
when i graduated i did a lot of shit in the winter
you’d go to
these fucking
houses they’re framing a
building look
somebody wants
their house
built in january they don’t say no
they just build the
house in january
and you’re wearing
17 layers of pajamas
under your fucking
pants you can’t move like you’re in a spacesuit
and your hammond
nails is fucking zero out
yeah i never did that
it’s the worst
it was beautiful it was the best
thing i ever did
the smartest
thing that i ever did when i was in high school
right when i
graduated high
school the very year
me and my friend
jimmy lawless
jimmy got me a job in this construction site
jimmy was like a carpenter’s apprentice
got me a job as a
laborer and i
carried cement bags
and pressure
treated lumber for two weeks
that’s all i did for two weeks i
carried cement bags
and pressure
treated lumber we were
building a wheelchair ramp at
knights of columbus hall they needed a
wheelchair ramp because of new laws
and all i did was that all day
and i did nothing i had nothing left
at the end of the day i couldn’t work out i couldn’t
i just ate i couldn’t work out
couldn’t work out
jesus that’s not even in my list
that’s something that you want to do after
i was competing that was
back when i was fighting
i was 18 years old i was
fighting in tournaments
i had to had to
train i had to work out so i forced myself to work out
and that taught me what real work
is but i was
gonna say if you can’t
isn’t that a workout if
you can’t work out it’s not enough
when your dudes are trying to kick you in the face
you got to do
other shit you
gotta make sense
get in there with
other dudes trying to kick
you in the face you get the timing down you have to you
stay sharp you can’t just
say well i don’t need to work out i’m
carrying bags of cement
i train okay
i would say i hear workout i
yeah that’s
your lifting weights
with fucking
sweatpants on
there leg warmers
yeah but i learned i
learned fuck fuck hard work for no reason
yeah no it’s there’s
money in it i mean there is a reason you know
you’re doing it so you can get that some people are
predisposed to that again
i know that
people that do that don’t look at it like the hell
it’s the same as people who come up to you and say
oh man that’s the scariest
thing in the
world what you do
talk in front of people
i couldn’t get up on that
stage in front of people well
it’s not scary at all yeah it’s not
scary to me or i
wouldn’t be doing it well it’s
your job is
scary to me fucking
i’m selling
shoes for 30 years in the mall only to have the
place fucking go out of business
selling crocs in a kiosk
what do you do i’m the guy in the mall i sell
the bedazzled iphone covers
it’s pretty good i make
about 60 grand a year i’m doing good
did you used to sell meat or is that apollo
all right one of you sold meat door
to bar me and apollo are the same group
angry white guys from boston
as well yeah fucking
white guy from my age from boston
dad the apollo
was one of the guys that i got a chance to see
when i was coming up when i was an open mic
or he had a few years in he was like two
three years in this
who’s already really good
he’s one of
those guys huh
when i went to see him at caroline’s
i guess it was
maybe two years
ago i go how the fuck is this guy not gigantic
how is this guy not selling out
arenas he was
it was after katrina
and he said
he goes a lot more people
would have been
rescued if it wasn’t for the fucking misspellings
i looked at this this roof
this guy was trying to get
rescued off his roof it said hep on it
you want some hep
drink that fucking
water in front of you
i’m in the back of the room
fucking howling
howling is a late night show with caroline’s
and i’m like how is this not an
arena i mean i’ve known this guy for two decades
how is he not one of the most
you know famous fucking comedy cause he is accessible
he’s not just comic
fan yeah he’s accessible
he’s got that
angry boston
thing man it’s just fucking nothing funnier to me
i know funny to me that some dude it’s probably
it’s probably his fucking personality
people have to realize like this is like a fucking
thing like oh like
angry you know like
you know what the fuck man
just live your
life with that kind of hate that’s really bad for
it no it’s not real hate it’s not real hate it’s fun
exactly it’s it’s
but i really want
to get hepatitis
to qualify his personality
you have to
understand this industry is run by people
and most of them
are fucking phony
and they know they’re fraudulent
and so a personality like nick’s
is probably very
scary to the people who
would put him in an
arena yes and is
so i think it would
it’s probably his personality is the reason because
people are that are
afraid that they’re gonna be
found out as completely
yeah they don’t want
to go like that around yeah they don’t want a fucking
walking mirror
nick played my brother on news radio
oh yeah yeah he him and
brian callan and
epstein from welcome back cotter
brother on an episode of news
radio where we just beat the fuck out of each other
like people were you know like we were through
it like someone can we cut
to a clip of that because i have to piss desperately
just go piss
i think that’s why
why we while
while doug goes to pee
brian do me a
favor before you pee pull up
bobby barnett pull up
doug’s bit about
bobby barnett because
one of my fucking
favorite all time bits is
your bit about
bobby barton did
you see the yes
that’s what i
was gonna talk
about it and she
apparently now
this woman from this bit that we’re
gonna play you
if you go to dougstamhelp com
i’m sure in your archives it’s
in the archives
the story’s fucking brilliant
the bit is fantastic it’s from
uh keep the edge
something to take
the edge off something take the edge off
which is my favorite
all time cd of
yours not because your materials the best because it’s
they’re all pretty in my opinion they’re all equal
they’re all
great but i love the
music behind it man i mean
that was my favorite cd to listen to and you
and that cd you took on
this sort of like
musical quality to your delivery too
like in sync with them with the guitar well
henry phillips
and i used to do that in la just for stories where like
anytime it was a full
story i’d try to
i have him play with me at
goofy little clubs around and
he was in houston
when i recorded that and i had recorded
every night and wasn’t
happy with any of them and it’s
sunday and there’s only
about 60 people and i went
you know what fuck it why don’t we just
try it with the entire set not just the stories like
he had played with
to bobby barnett before in the
transvestate hooker or whatever he’d played
behind a few stories
so i just it was last
minute like all
right let’s just
it’s beautiful
the set feels like that too
it feels like a set
where you had already gotten enough sets in the bag
where you could be comfortable
you know when
you record something or yeah didn’t give a fuck
i don’t tell people if
i’m filming
something what am i filming i’m filming a special
there’s an eight and a ten
go to ten go to
ten because
the eight i’m
gonna be like i
gotta get this bit out and
get that bit out and
get this all technical
like once 10 minutes in i’ll be fine anyway don’t
worry about it
if you got a babysitter it’s the only one you can make
it’ll be pretty close
but i’ll say the words
but yeah there’s a
looseness in when you
know you already have it in the bag we can just go to
like tomorrow
night i’m at some
place called
morty’s in indianapolis
there’s zero pressure when you perform in morty’s
it’s not a fucking and i’m filming this
but hey shut it off dude
wait till we do it
but the you know
when you when you’re filming something man
it’s it’s like a
weird is a weird pressure
thing you know like you want to
make sure i get this
right i only got one shot
like i would
never want to do like
bill hicks relentless
like he even
said that he wasn’t comfortable in it if you
watch it it’s like it’s got
great material in it but it’s
definitely not his best
performance in delivery it’s
cause he did it all in one shot
it was one one hour and a half performance
ready go the cameras are on you we’re
gonna film this forever fuck
it’s hard to loosen up and the
crowd is tight cause
cause they know too the showtime special it’s
filmed at that gotham
comedy club
which is a tiny club anyway
and now it’s brightly lit with fucking giant
trains coming over someone’s fucking car
love that place
though i love that
place my i’ve
never played there
except for that
when i filmed at
the southern theater in ohio when i did
talking monkeys in
space the guy who is the director
of it is a good friend of mine anthony giordano
he directs the
ufcs and directs
all the ufc
little satellite
programs and
he listened to me i said i don’t want any
lights in the audience i want it like a regular show
let’s just do a regular show and we capture on camera
but even then it’s hard the
first one was
like it was a little
stiff i felt loose
i haven’t seen
it yet but i’m
scared to watch you
i’m scared to
watch comedy why
like i was telling him on the way up
cause i’m afraid
after fucking
this long doing comedy i
sit there and i go have i
heard this before have i
heard this somewhere else
i’ve told you i caught myself
stealing my own material
where i go fuck
this is funny but it just seems so
like familiar
and i’ll fuck it i’ll do it anyway and then i like
i find it in an old notebook oh
this isn’t fucking new i wrote this
used to do this six
seven years ago
yeah so i like when i do
watch comedy at home like
i’ll make sure i’m sober
i won’t go to
sleep with i wouldn’t dare like
the ideas will get in your head yeah
they were yours
my friend mike mccarthy
did that once a friend of mine back in boston he
went to sleep with the dennis miller cd
and he woke up with all his new jokes
but anytime you
sleep with tv
you know how
your dreams will
yeah become infused with whatever
he went to bed to fucking
sports center all of a
sudden i’m being fisted by a linebacker or something
but so no i’m scared of
watching comedy
i i i still
enjoy the fuck
out of it i you know what the reason why i
got into comedy is because i was a fan of comedy i was
gonna go see you in irvine last
night but i was just too lazy yeah
i couldn’t make that did the
drive from la to irvine
at like five p m is
death you guys
will know fucking shoes
no fucking shit
yeah it’s death
but um i still
agree if someone like i saw louis
ck recently
at the improv
i get it i get inspired
by comedy if i see something that’s really funny
i get inspired it makes me want to write
you know it makes me want to go home well that’s the
other thing is on tv
it’s never as good anyway
so it’s not hard to go
i’m not gonna
watch this special
cause it’s a special
and special suck but what i’m hoping is that eventually
everything will be accessible all the time tv
and no sets will be special because everyone will see
every set ever
see everyone will see
everything that you do ever
over and over and over
there’s gonna the next the next
level of technology is not
going to be
you know something
as simple as oh here’s a newer faster
phone no it’s
gonna be some
super invasive thing
where you’re allowed to
turn on your always on cam
and people could just
travel with you
everywhere you go
and people could
watch every fucking
thing you do
and there’s
gonna be like some really popular channels
where people subscribe to shows zero privacy
zeros none total
transparency but
there’ll be no need for it
no need for
it no one has anything to hide
why do we have privacy now i mean you and i really
don’t people who are in the public eye who talk a lot
about their life on stage
you have a fraction
of the privacy that a regular person
short of like wiping my ass i’m really
fucking yeah i don’t what you have a good situation
or any any fucked up situation
i don’t i don’t mean good i mean anything where it’s
juicy where’s
there’s a story
don’t you get
excited like you just
like you just got a new puppy
like what could i
got look at the
when my fucking dad died i was conscious of the fact
that a huge part of me was
thinking i’m
gonna get a lot of attention for this
and what do you do with that
like you fucking you’re
aware of that part of you that see
right you’re
right and you know
other people do it you know they fucking milk fucking
tragedy for attention on some level
well you know i can’t
i can’t talk
right now something really bad happened
was the worst
you go all right but you know
like i’m at least
aware of the fact that i enjoy the
well i used to get excited when girlfriends had shit go
wrong like a cat died or a
dog got hit by a car or something
cause they knew we were gonna fuck
you’re gonna feel bad i’m gonna consult you
next thing you know we’re gonna be getting our fray
gone speaking of fucking
fucked a girl named bobby barnet yes here
listen segway this is one of my favorite all times
stand up comedy bits one of one of doug’s classics
bobby barnett
check it out listen and doug will be
right back in the meantime
it just died brian
beautiful woman i’ve ever had sex with there we go
something to take the edge off
on itunes
not stripper beautiful but that
kind of beautiful girl who works retail
kind of beautiful if your life ever
flashed before
your eyes you’d have to stop at that part and beat off
finding a car wreck
dick in your hand
eyes rolled up your head and a
smile on your face
it’s gorgeous she had
short brown hair and big brown eyes
kind of beauty that hurts to look at i met her in this
strange bar in minneapolis
and when i say strange
bar i mean i didn’t know anyone there and normally i
would never have the balls to approach a girl in a bar
that i don’t know people
my big approaching of strange bar is to go sit in
far into the bar all
alone watch
sports center like the only reason i’m in a
crowded dance club on
ladies night is to watch
sports bloopers with no volume
and hope someone feels sad for me
but that night i don’t know i was
motivated or just intoxicated
sometimes what’s the difference
i talked to her and i
don’t know what bullshit stories i gave her but i
i played right
into her hand whatever she said i said exactly
what she wanted to hear she hated long hair i was
thinking of cutting it
she hated cigarettes i was trying to quit
whatever it was it worked and she said
tomorrow the twins are playing the red sox
my team the red sox
she goes why don’t we go to the game you can stay at my
house cause it’s right near the stadium
not for sex just out of convenience
which is exactly
what i tell a girl i was trying to have sex with
so i show up we had one more
drink at her house
and that led to kissing
which led to
grinding which
led to some of the most vicious dry humping i’ve seen
since junior high school
it was like porno with
clothes on it was but
but i got to a
point where i realized it’s not
gonna go any farther than this
because every time i try to
close the deal
i can’t i’m not a slut well
i am and i’ll show you how it’s not that hard really
well i don’t even know you oh i’ll have my
agent fax my bio come on
please it’s starting to hurt here
finally i gave up
like a gentleman i rolled over curled up and i was warm
soft pillow of my own testicles
like the bed
next day we go to the twins game
twins are playing the red sox this is like 1994 or
three if you want
i want to look up the statistics and prove this
story is true
i’m being an asshole
in the stadium because i’m already pissed i’m blue bald
and i’m a red sox fan
so i am trotting
down up and down the bleachers i go
red sox yeah
you gonna lose
i keep doing this
for six innings till the red sox
again the shit kicked out of them
they’re losing
that game five to one in the bottom of the six
she starts talking shit
so on i try to call her bluff
i say listen
red sox lose this game
i will quit smoking and cut my hair tonight
red sox come back and win
you turn lose some of that old pussy girl
some of that old pussy
sure i said it
my boy diplomatically
that the point was
completely stolen from ron weis
turn loose on that old pussy
it was something
he said in a condo when we were working together
oklahoma city
soon as she said
fine move on
came to the plate
the red sox scored 11
unanswered runs they won that game 12 to 6
and bobby barnett sat in the bleaches and turned gray
she’s driving me home
i turned to her and i said so would you
think i was an asshole if i took you up on the bed
she said now
so would you
think i was an asshole if i
picked up a homeless guy
and told you i wanted to donate my winnings to charity
you laughed she did
bobby barnett made good on the bed but it was only
shortly after that
she decided she didn’t like the kind of person i was
i never talked to her again
but she didn’t welsh on the bed
the thing is generally beautiful things
always make me feel kind of empty
like beautiful
sunsets and beautiful mountaintops because
there’s none of that you can take with you
you can take all the
pictures in the world and never does it justice
you use every word in your vocabulary to describe it
never comes out the same you had to be there
you watching that beautiful
mountaintop there’s always a guy next to you go
goes doesn’t it make you feel insignificant
yeah it really does
i don’t need to feel anymore
i feel very insignificant
every day i get that
i go to my hometown bar where
all my friends know my name and i feel significant
i don’t need anything less
but a beautiful
woman is different
because a beautiful
woman might fuck you
and when a beautiful
woman fucks you
it’s like she’s giving you part of that beauty
it’s like she’s
giving you part of her soul and that is yours forever
it doesn’t ever go away
your beautiful mountain
tops will one day
crumble to the sea
your beautiful sun
that might never rise
again but you fucked me
bobby barnett
yes you did
you fucked me
and a thousand people
men with a thousand tow
trucks can never take that back
thank you guys very much
this is the
cd all right
i don’t know what i don’t know
if i just shut your shit off i hit a button on your
thing your gadget
the kids went
to get high they’re just scrambling back to the
microphones now
and ladies and gentlemen i
was talking with
joe rogan and
turtle from entourage
we’re discussing comedy boot camp
oh yeah comedy fucking boot camp my name is chris
i’ll fill folks in if you go to doug
steinhope com
dougstandhope com
i think that’s one archive back
one archive back there’s a
story about comedy boot camp there’s been a new
trend in the comedy community as of late
is it comedy bootcam com is that what it is
yeah i’m not even sure
their website but they have comedy
training classes and you disagreed strongly
on the premise and practice
yeah no i i think
as a community
comics all agree that classes are bullshit unless they
have to go teach them
and they go well no it’s not all bullshit
right as long as we get
so yeah this guy kyle c
started a pretty hardcore
traveling he got louis anderson on the you
know on the ticket as kyle and louis are gonna travel
yeah they go town to town
where they’ll take an improv
for they’ll get 80 of the door
and and teach
these comedy
you have to really read the fucking thing
so the comics get on
stage so let’s let me get this straight
so if they do this comedy class and they go around the
world around the country rather
say if they show up the improv and
yeah florida west park yeah
it’s a comedy all day intensive
one day october 8th at the fucking fort lauderdale
funny market
so there’s 100 people in the
class and they all have to pay how much money
between four hundred and
three thousand dollars depending on
which course the one day course is only four hundred
bucks and a
three day intensive master of
stand up is like
three thousand but either way it’s all fucking nonsense
and and this i
i i’ve gotten
emails from the guy
let’s just assume you’ve read the fucking thing
if not go to it go to talk
stand up com and yeah yeah pause this and
because it’s
way too much to get in or if you’re in your car
tough shit just you’re
gonna have to do the math yeah if you’re not a comic
you don’t want to hear all the fucking discourse anyway
right it’s really it’s an inside kind of
thing but the fact that
it’s scumbagry to tell
someone oh yeah i can make you a fucking master
stand up and fucking
three short days
for money do they really call it a master
stand up mastery is the 3 000
course that’s
strong word yeah
yeah mastery
you’re gonna be a master of this takes ten years
right i i mean i barely
think i know what i’m doing now i’m 22 years in
you know but i definitely
suck declining it
if i had a fucking time machine
i definitely
wouldn’t recommend you
going back in time any
earlier than 10 years into my
comedy career i
can’t recommend any of
those shows
pre 1999 so you’re
on your own if you want to go see it just for fucking a
point of reference
to realize that someone
can suck really hard and come back from that strong
right but i don’t recommend
those shows
but so so yeah you read the fucking thing
so you don’t
think that there’s any way that there’s
a benefit of having some sort of a class
teach people
stand up you
can take it you
can get all that advice for free that was my major beat
anything they will
teach you in a
class any comic
is glad to tell you for free
or just at the bar
yeah or just get a job
at the hangout
at the bar the old
school way to do it i
agree that is the old
school way to do it but you’re
still not gonna learn
until you do it yes and no one can
teach you how to be like you are because
comics aren’t like actors we’re not all
going for the same part
we have to be different so
to take advice
you’re only telling someone how to be more like you joe
and i did attack kyle cease
brutally because that’s
the fashion of my comedy
where i’m saying that his family
should die and
stuff like that
it’s always just to give
a little flavor to the update it
doesn’t really mean that yes i don’t
want your family
to die kyle cece but i
think what you’re doing is negligent irresponsible
and dishonest
right but you get so upset
about it because it’s
i mean in terms of
like negligent irresponsible shit that the rest of the
world sees it’s really fairly mild
oh of course you just get upset
about this one
particular subject because it’s something
that you love because
it’s something
that i know when it’s something i can make a difference
right i can yell
about fucking the government invasion of
civil liberties all day
and it’s not
gonna do a fucking dicks
worth of difference but i could say
kyle seuss is a fucking
fraud and it
might save you between four
hundred and
three thousand well you know
maybe it’s not a bad idea to get both
maybe it’s not a bad idea for
someone to go to one of
these comedy boot camps
and you know just get
turn out look when i didn’t know if i was
gonna do comedy
you know i’d been talked into doing
it by some friends of mine i just went to an open mic
night i didn’t know shit
that open mic
night if i had
three thousand dollars
you know easily
could have been
you know some comedy boot camp well fuck it i’m
gonna try it out
like you know when there’s nineteen
twenty year old kids or they’re
young and they have no
experience and
it’s not a bad
thing to just get somehow another
introduced to it
and then once you get
introduced to it you
immerse yourself in
stand up comedy you
start listening to a
bunch of it
watching a bunch of youtube clips
then you read your
story on it
and listen to you talk
about it you go oh okay
this guy doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking
about he just knows what the fuck he’s talking
about for him
right exactly and
i’ll give you this that
it might act as a catalyst to make you
become committed
i’ve always thought
about doing this some momentum
yeah and so you know now it’s like
hypnotism to stop smoking
it doesn’t fucking work you’re not
hypnotized but
the fact that you just laid out two hundred and
fifty dollars
hypnotized for
thirty minutes
might make you not
smoke just cause you don’t
wanna feel like a douchebag
so if it has that
effect but what you’re doing is you’re
you’re glutting the
market he talks
about how he’s got all
these comics
motivated now
and they’re working together in
these communities
and they having writers clubs together
but what you’re doing
you’re saying everyone’s
innately funny
which is so
horribly untrue
and what you’re doing is giving them perseverance
to keep fucking bothering bookers and bothering
promoters and clogging up open mic
nights with shitty
comedy because you told them don’t quit
keep trying
i agree even
though you’re not fucking
funny it whatsoever but out of
those like you’re
speaking to the
worst case scenario
so if there’s a hundred people that take his course
there might be one or two that
sneaks through the fucking
salmon ladder they
would anyway
they would anyway they
might anyway
they might anyway and they
might in spite of but he
might have introduced them to the game
he might have gotten them inspired you know
what a lot of girls
are in porn because they get raped
i see your point when i was
starting out in comedy there was a guy i don’t want to
say his name because he’s a nice guy he just sucks and
he one time
he was hosting an open mic
night and he came up to me and he was like listen
i’m gonna tell you
right now okay
you wanna be a comic
you gotta stop
swearing he goes
you’re always
swearing you
swear when you don’t have a
punchline you swear
to make it funnier
and i’m like
well you know the guys who i liked were really
funny like sam kennison and dice clay
you’re not dice clay
okay you’re not dice clay
yeah and he told me
about this one joke he had
i can’t say the joke because then everybody in boston
would know who the fuck i’m talking
about and guys
his life sucks i don’t want to shit on him
but the idea was that he took this
word fuck out of one of his jokes and it made it
he had to focus more of his timing
and i was like that’s
ridiculous your joke sucks this is fucking
you’re telling me how to do you and i don’t even
think you’re good you know it’s like
you fuck you know it’s like
people will try to get you to follow
their pattern
you can’t do that there’s no way you can get
you can tell someone how to do comedy
what hang on i’m gonna
because we’re talking specifically
about kyle cece
i don’t know anything
about that i
should just say
this i know what i’ve seen the clips of this it’s like
anthony robbins fucking
scientology believe in yourself
find your inner
voice they don’t
and that’s the thing
every fucking comedy
what’s the guy
that cut my face at montreal
the fucking industry guys step up your stand up
the guy that looks like he’s wearing the
fake glasses the nose
but he’s not that’s
jeff singer
i don’t know
who that is jeff singer he’s like some industry guy
and he got in my face
cause i mentioned him in the update going
i don’t do what he does he’s like
shit you got
your face yeah
he was saying that kyle sees his
shit you don’t understand
i’m not like him why
would you put
write that about me
yeah it’s a fucking
awful night at the fucking
delta bar whatever whatever
delt in montreal
it’s not the
delta anymore they
moved hotels but it’s the same
scene same all
drunk and the guys like fuck you
like hey i just don’t agree with
point is kyle
we don’t tell people how to
write jokes you can’t
teach that but
what we do is we
motivate them and make them believe and find
their own voice
you’re still full of
shit they are full of shit they
definitely and i want to address
this because one of the beefs that i’ve few beefs
that i’ve gotten from it is why did you attack him
and not louis anderson
why would you pick
up a little guy scared
yeah well that’s the
thing is and i sat there
why first of all as
i was talking to henna
get my manager and
he goes well
louie anderson
wouldn’t be doing this if it weren’t for kyle cece
kyle cece fucking yeah
got the guy on and louis anderson is such
such a feeble guy you don’t ever look at him as
someone you have to take down
kyle cece is the one promoting this fucking hokey
the secret i met kyle cece of the improv
you seem like a nice guy that’s
literally all i know about yeah no he
sent me emails and
i’m fucking in tears you’re one of my heroes you’re not
the same fucking washing on me
i listen to your fucking podcast with jimmy dora
every comic that
whose name came up was one of your favorites
it’s one of
those yeah he’s one of those
you know it’s funny is
you know look i can’t fault the guy for not being no
there’s a lot of things he says that i think
a fucking fact the
majority of what he says i think is good advice i don’t
think it’s bad to get more people interested in doing
stand up because i
think just with sheer numbers i mean there’s
gonna be a bunch that suck but
there also be
more but they’re
using it as
a scam will be that’s the problem like i just started
i see the point but i don’t but i
think you need to be compensated if you’re gonna spend
three fucking days talking to some open micers and it’s
gonna have to be some long cash son but
here’s crazy fucks
i wanna do companies
this is what
really solidified the fact
that this guy is a fucking
okay connor
he emails me and he’s
breaking down
how he’s losing money
and he gives me actual numbers where he says
we average thirty
thirty people per
class and if
you know and then it’s four hundred dollars
times thirty
that’s twelve
thousand dollars and he says and will
and most of that goes to airfare hotel etc
wait hang on you and louis anderson teach class
you make twelve thousand dollars in a day
and you’re losing money you of all people
should not be teaching anything right how many
hotel rooms do you get for you and louis anderson
you’re making
twelve thousand dollars a day
what’s the et cetera
cause air fare that’s
about eight hundred bucks for the two year
hotel at a nice place that’s hot
down four hundred
goddamn fascinating reality show feel free to
steal this idea because i’m lazy and i won’t produce it
but comedycamp com
traveling doing some sort of like grizzly man you ever
watch grizzly
man oh yeah
where it’s unintentionally funny
like the guy
werner herzog had to know that guy was hilarious
he had to know what he’s putting together it’s
gonna be hilarious
he couldn’t
admit it but he had to know
there could be
one of the most beautiful beautiful coen brothers esque
reality shows ever
louis anderson
and kyle sees on the road
teaching this fucking comedy
class meeting with these
crazy open micers all over the country
it’s crazy stan o’ comedy is actually
kind of getting into a scam i don’t know if there’s no
money into it or not because i’ve been doing it lately
and i’m watching
these little open micers
get attacked but like sales
like tv salesmen
type ways like
hey here’s the deal
so i run this show at the comedy
store belly room all right
give me 100
i’ll give you 20 tickets to give to all your friends
now you can charge your friends
these tickets
money or whatever
so you’re gonna make
money but i’m
gonna give you five minutes wow
and i’m watching
this you know that’s how they do that’s how they pay
fighters and like low
level organizations and
give them tickets
right right but the problem is is that a the
belly room is free to get in so
these tickets make no
sense at all
and so this girl
is it always free the
belly room for the most
part but here’s the
thing this girl’s only been to a comedy six
months the guy
that even came up to her and said hey you had a
great set tonight
i was watching this dude
cause like my
other friend jordan said the same
thing happened
to him last time he’s just praying on him and
he wasn’t even
watching her
he came up to her and did this
whole sales pitch
and like oh
it’s 20 tickets and
stuff like that
and i feel bad
for that but i also feel like that’s kind of funny
because it’s also
yeah it’s kind
of the fucking i
mean honestly
i think less
than zero you know con
artistry and that
might be why i get
upset at something so fucking simple as a you
know stand up comedy class
which really has on the fucking
grand scale
makes no difference right just
but i think
fraud is the most
undervalued art form
con artistry is
it’s called con
art for a reason it’s fucking art if it’s done well
right there’s nothing more beautiful than hearing
about a very inventive
scam gift and comedy
praying on like
these little kids that
i wanna be a
stand up comic
yeah but wait a
minute man you were one of
those at one
point in time and i was one of
those at one
point in time when i was
twenty one years old you
could have easily
talked me into doing some fucking comedy course right i
saved up my money
i don’t think
acting course i got was
completely ripped
off when i was eighteen i had a bad acting
teacher that was
gonna earn while you
learn program
they’re gonna get you gigs
while they fucking you paid them to go weekly
but we’ll get you work and get you to casting agents
they do that with
models too right
i was a classic
took the train
to la as soon as i was 18 with 400
bucks in my pocket i get off the
train at union station and
i’m gonna be an actor
it didn’t work out
when i was in boston
every girl had a
modeling photo
remember when girls
what used to go to modeling
yeah casablanca
yeah and they
would take a
photo with a girl
like this and like
her hair blowing in the wind and
weird that out to people yeah
they would spend all this
money it was
basically a huge scam
where they would just get
these girls to
spend a fuckload of
money on getting
their photos taken
and then they get
their photos
taken with this guy’s logo at the bottom of it and they
would send it out nothing
would ever happen
but it was like
these girls like yeah i’ve been doing some modeling
i recently got some new shots
it’s a model every fucking girl i dated was models
crazy bitches you weren’t even that good
looking you’re gonna tell your friends
you’re gonna tell your friends
i can’t even say the same girl early in the night
she was drunk she was drunk and i was just trying to
avoid her i was trying to
avoid her i was just trying to avoid her
and she goes to me
you think you’re all fear factor
she got in my face with this fucking
thing and the fingers moving
you think you’re all
fear factor
like those girls get
sloppy drunk
every weekend those are
veterans they
know what the fuck they’re doing is fucking just
milky is awful
bleach skin and
shaved pussies wiry cigarette
breath and fucking dirty assholes
stinking titties black fucking sheer
socks that make your feet sweat and it smell like shit
tube top and belly hair you think you’re all
fear factor
blue eyeshadow throwing up in the toilet don’t leave
i think i ate something
don’t leave dunkin donuts
you fucking asshole i was
throwing up and you left my god
can you imagine having a
if i ran into half the chicks i boned as a teenager now
cause they were pigs then oh
i see him now at our age
oh i went and
found my original high school girlfriend on facebook
and i opened up her thing and said send her a message
and i went like that with my fingers and i
hovered over the keyboard and i wanted to apologize
i want to apologize for being me
i want to apologize for
being 14 i want to apologize for the
whole fucking
thing i mean here
but you know this is the
first one this is the first one
and i looked at it and i like okay
fucking shut this thing off i fucking
close the window like what are we
gonna do i’m forty three years old
i’m gonna apologize
for being a douchebag when i was sixteen
you’re a cunt too stupid
wasn’t on me
you got fucking
fat fuck you
and when you
moved to fucking
western massachusetts i went there once and
drove an hour and a half you didn’t even fuck me
cause you were mad at me
i just had that
joe did i tell you what happened
to this in your
fucking act no i’m
not done i had to
write it down somebody somebody
i had this ex
chat me on facebook was like hey i have something
very important to tell you like and i’m like what’s
it what is it they’re like no i need to talk to you in
person i can’t do this over chat and this is from like
twelve years ago or something like that
so i’m like
thinking all
right it’s one of
three things that either i have a child
or i have aids
or she found
jesus it’s like one of the
three things
right so i’m
going to her face
i’m going to her facebook and i’m like all right
these kids look kind of retarded it
might be mine i don’t know the kind of looking
that kid looks a little
asian whatever
so she calls me up and she goes hey i
just want you to know something that you remember that
abortion you
paid for and like yeah and she goes i just need
money for heroin i
started doing heroin
after we broke up and i really need
money so i made
i said this
whole thing that
where i was pregnant and i
i thought she said
you told me she said she
was pregnant with another guy and it wasn’t actually
you she said she was pregnant with
her new heroin
friend guy but they
spent so much
money on heroin they needed
money and i gave her like 500
it wasn’t like regular
like did you
ask for the
money back hunt no with interest
that high how
about 750 and suck my
dick i should do like interest
yeah you should at
least get an extra
250 bucks in a blowjob
it was crazy
cause i sold
my heroine hey
maybe just beat off on her tits rot
that’s why i sold my
comic books
i forgot holes and
shooting loads on
black holes that’s why i sold my
comic books i forgot
i sold my whole
comic book collection to
pay for this abortion okay well now she’s a fuck cunt
she has ruined your iron man
collection yeah
what was your favorite comment i don’t
think anyone has that story
yeah i sold my
comic books to pay for an abortion
yeah that’s your
story and it
wasn’t even an abortion it was for heroin
anyone who’s
dealing with anyone who needs an abortion or heroin
should not have
comic ducks
you should have
a minimal fucking survival kit like less trout
around your house
you just shit to keep your water
clean and a knife to fend them off
check this check this out doesn’t play a del rey
i didn’t fucking trade my baseball cards
to get my fucking girlfriend a new liver
i was in playa del
rey and i was
after the bar closed it was at that bar we were talking
about like 30
people fit in this bar and it’s just like for
locals only it’s a
school bar that’s been there
since the 1900s
so anyways after the bar we’re hanging out in this old
lady in 1900s
10 years ago
no so that’s
that was 10 years ago
the old lady
this old lady comes up to me and grabs me by the
sweatshirt and
she goes i see your necklace you wear that because it
protects you and i’m like what the fuck you’re talking
about i’m kind of
oh this is the
story you were
telling me i
would advise you before you go into this all
right this is all alleged
not really say it
i gotta tell you
i gotta tell you this is a person who is in
the public eye who got a little fucked up and a little
drunk and made some mistakes
and i’m just saying if you were
in the same situation and you did the same situation to
a person younger than yourself i would
never grab a person and let them not
leave you you
guess he was doing it listen
we all get fucked up and we’re not ourselves
okay that’s the reality the situation
the right mixture
a little bit
of crystal meth a little bit of jack daniels you
could make some mistakes
i won’t say it but
nancy cartwright
tried to rape me
oh i don’t know who that is
nancy cart writes the voice of
bart simpson and she
tried to rape me
oh that’s alright you
should tell that story i
folks i tried
so hard to save his karma
i should just say this
right now brian
right now can you
queue up prince i got a broken
heart again
cue this up we have to talk
we have to talk brian
brian’s in a situation
just just look up prince i got a broken
heart again okay
you got your
phone on okay
brian is a great guy
he’s i know he’s
a good friend he’s
one of the most
interesting people i’ve ever met in my life
no one tries to fuck him though
so someone in
this situation
fuck you it’s a good
story for him it’s a good
story for him but
he’s right now
with bart simpson
she would have been like
in a vulnerable
place she would like eat my
shorts i would eat her
shorts brian
if brian was on top of the
world like he was just a month ago
just a month
just a month ago
can we talk
about how on top of the
world you are
do you want me to use euphemisms
let’s just say this okay let’s just say this
pretend let’s just pretend that
so is the song called again
huh was the song prince got a broken
heart again
let’s pretend that there’s
there’s there’s a man and on the one to ten he’s a
three i mean he says is a fucking witty three
he’s an interesting
three you call me a three
i’m just making up stories dude
i can’t make it so
close to you that it’s realistic
if i had to
judge you honestly
i’d say if you
lost 20 pounds you’d be an eight
right now you’re
probably a six and a half or so i remember
is that honest
i was nearly
this fat on
the fucking before i was nearly this fat
brian was a stud
when he was i was on the fucking man show is when i was
fighting tonya
harding and
i remember fucking him
standing with juggy cathy
was one of the most beautiful
women in the world
and he’s like look at his fucking
body you’re so disgusting dude let me look at you
and that was when i was way less disgusting
so back in the day yeah
yeah well so let’s be realistic okay
brian let me give you i’m
gonna give you a rating of a six and a half
seven if you just
continue on your current path of losing weight okay
that’s realistic i don’t
think i’m more than an
eight right
i was pretty much a nine when i was on newsradio
but i’m old and my shits falling
apart okay let’s be honest right
no i think i’m more
attractive than the news
radio did he
got himself
a strong nine yeah
strong nine
so brian was with a
strong nine
yeah you’re fucking
we never agree on
chicks cause
the chicks you call it nine and you showed me a
picture and i go that’s a fucking
real doll that it isn’t even hmm
it’s not even you’re looking for something different
we have different we’ve always had different
opinions on what’s fucking for sure yeah
for sure we have yeah
we’ve always
fucking yes and
chicks that you would
think are wicked
skanks i think are perfect
tattoos like what
what do you like a
suicide girl
kinda i like
that too yeah
i like girls with unfortunate tattoos
there’s girls that
like just that there’s a porn look now right
it’s not even there’s
there’s no difference she didn’t have that
she was she
was there like
this girl does
not have that
this girl this girl was some
chick that works at the
the fucking
she works at the
local car seat
fucking manufacturer
you know working in the book she’s an accountant
but she has big
tits and this
crazy ass and she has a fake vagina
and somehow i know that you get
together well
you can buy it
that’s what
it means it’s a product it’s a product but you know
doesn’t come
with mom issues or hiv you get her
alone and next
thing you know you’re fucking
you’re banging it out and you’re like i can’t even play
this girls let me fuck you
well he had that situation
yeah for a while back and forth little
separation breakup
just wasn’t
ready for that kind of
frequency the kid wasn’t ready
hit the songs
brian i’m trying
your wifi sucks
does it yeah
really it doesn’t
really work too much joe hates it when you fucking
talk about his
technical inept gadgetry
we need to put a wi fi
rocket you mother
your wi fi joe is
about a five and a half
shut your wife
oh don’t you go there oh i just date don’t you don’t
you know marc marin’s podcast has fucking wi fi out the
i don’t wanna talk
about marc marin
marc marin just sent me an email
asked me to do his part i probably will i just don’t
wanna argue with him
i like mark man
i think he’s a good dude but he says dumb shit
i don’t wanna i don’t
wanna get argue with him
that’s why that’s what i
wanna argue with anybody i ain’t got no time i know but
if you’re not arguing it’s a fucking low rated podcast
no i will listen to podcast
three reasons this we’re not arguing
carlos monsea
on fucking mark marron
i listen to dane cook on mark marron and
i didn’t know you had done
dane cook so i’ll listen to that
and i listen to the fucking
what train wreck
his name is that had the the kyle c song
you just looking for train wrecks exactly what
what do you want to fucking
i don’t want a lesson here
well listen to fucking two guys who agree breakdown
like the paul prevented who i love
this is the best podcast we’ve ever done
this is the best podcast i’ve ever done
and you and i are almost completely in
agreement on everything
except the level of demonic
aptitude kyle ceases has in his fucking show that’s it
i know but i’m saying that
doesn’t get fucking people
i don’t go to listen to
that’s okay but you guys get
along that’s just you
your point of view i
understand what you’re saying
i understand
i just don’t my
point of view
is at this point in time i’m a
grown man i don’t want to play any
stupid games
i don’t want to
argue with anybody
who just don’t just stop stop
i don’t want to hear it i don’t care
i don’t care i’ve thoroughly
dissected my own personal thoughts
and i don’t
wanna deal with the mess that’s in your head
okay i don’t
wanna have to
fucking sit down and go well okay let’s back up
where did you come to this perception and how did this
start out and maybe
you didn’t take into account how i felt i don’t wanna
care i got no
time you know he’s doing one of your bits maron
he did his show and
he had mensee on and he had this like wrap up
where he like gives his
take on it and he said
the mensea incident
was two bullies arguing over bullshit
that’s how he said it
and i just said done
done that’s it
you just saved me
weird conversations for the rest
of my life you just don’t like that word i don’t have
to talk to you anymore
i don’t have to talk to you anymore
i can wish you well
i’m karma free i
could say good luck have fun take care done
done it’s nice it’s nice to
there’s a lot of problems in this
world you can’t fix them all
sometimes it’s good to just
now let’s go back to brian
brian is good friend
i met brian online
he’s talented he makes these incredible
videos and i’m like what do you do man
he told me he goes
i i work for gateway
i was like dude
you need to come work
for me i don’t even know what the fuck you’re gonna do
but we’re just
gonna make some
videos we’re
gonna make shit happen we’re
gonna have some fun
just come with
me on the road we’ll film some shit man fuck that
crazy job that job sucks
he’s like okay
years ago right it’s a
while ago yeah so he comes he comes and
brian’s out there in a new
world man we’re
traveling we’re gonna
fucking comedy clubs and we’re
going to tv shows or
going all over the
world we’re going open
anthony we’re in new york okay we’re all over the place
brian’s from columbus ohio and this girl is from
venus perhaps
maybe perfect
right perfect girl you’re perfect girl
yeah sure definitely what what the fuck
would ever make you
think that you
would be able to fuck her right
right in real life
absolutely it’s like how does this happen
how does anybody get the fuck
doesn’t have a weak chin
wrong everybody
how does anybody get to fuck her
there’s certain girls in this
world like any girl that’s over a nines like really
any guy that’s fucking i was like
really because
every guy that’s
fucking a nine has fucked sixes and fives and
can’t believe that anybody even talks to him anymore
well that was a
whole fucking
bobby barnett thing
which we never
wrapped up because we were outside smoking
oh the bobby barnett yeah go to
the website
yeah go with backs like
three four archives which is
genius she finally
found out some one of my fans from sweden
actually tracked her down with her new fucking
married name and she
heard that bit and is a born
again christian now and sent a very upset
email so that’s it
doug stanhope com
which by the way made the bit
20 000 times better
it was beautiful and your follow up was just fucking
spectacular i honestly
think that you have to do that on
stage what i
think you should do
is play the original recording on
stage for people who don’t know for the new fans
let them hear that
and then tell the new
story just do
the new bid
on stage it’s a fucking destroyer i
think you should
close i think
that would be pretty fucking lazy
to go well first you have
to hear this bid
i won’t say that
you can say
you can say it
i don’t mean that i mean
i feel weird telling old jokes no
i do too i won’t do it but it
would feel more
weird to go
i know i could say this
let me just hit play i do old bits
during my question and answer
after i’ve done like an hour
or so i always do a question answer because at this
point in time
i mean i joke around
about it on stage
but this is in
order to keep a real honest relationship with all
these people that come out to see me i don’t
think i should be the only one that gets a talk
i always say that i
would say this feels weird
like the whole
stand up comedy
the whole art form
is you get on
stage and there’s a
microphone there’s a
bunch of people that pay to hear you talk and it’s
ridiculous you’re
gonna be the
only one who talks for an hour it’s a cocaine
dream it’s crazy i
get to do the cocaine
and now it’s my sentence for an hour
and you don’t get a chance so i always talk
about it how i
understand that this is a
ridiculous relationship and in
order to compensate for the fact that it’s ridiculous
i do the best i can i
write the most
should i do i
explore the most ideas i try to give you the most
should i get the most
hyped up for the show
and i also do a question answer
where i say you
should yell out anything you want we’ll talk
about anything you want
you know and
that’s like an opportunity for people to
they can they can yell shit out they can talk
about anything they want
if i were if we were that’s what i do i’m
sorry that’s what i do old bits
this is a this that
would be a perfect
time for all of us
to fucking do
if if i knew
other comics
would do this
i would do a fucking q and a
at the end of
every show for wannabe
stand up comics
so you can get advice for fucking free
and that’s all you
should ever pay for comedy advice
that’s not a bad idea
everywhere but
you know what
would not be
a bad idea if you said you had people sign up for
an advance they couldn’t be just someone who wanted to
photograph no
photos no autographs
can’t waste any
time but after
every show there will be one half hour
q amp a section
session for
wannabe stand up comedians
so you have to be honest
about the fact that you
wanna be a comedian
and if you are you’re allowed
to come and there’s a room there’s 100 of us and we’re
gonna sit there and i’ll let you talk for half an hour
right that’s a
great idea you
know what you fucking wait outside for a half an hour
after the show
like fight club
that’ll get rid of the douchebags that are just
drunk you want to fucking say something stupid
wait out on the porch like
fight club and
then after a
while if you really want to fucking
be a stand up we’ll give you
that’s how i avoid
crazy people at my shows when i take
pictures with them afterwards
i sit down for
10 minutes take a leak
have a glass of water
just let everybody that’s really fucking frantic just
go about their way
don’t just right
would you fucking
jizz all over me with your douchiness yeah
just do you sell merch
no i did a couple times i’ve sold dbx
the fucking
trade off i can either sell merch
and have to fucking dive
right into this right from
stage and that head full of
you know and then
right to politician nice to meet you
oh i’d love to fucking take a
picture with your wife
right from fucking
there you go all
right i cannot sell merch
first of all
merch sales it’s not just the
money that you’re making it’s
the fact that you’re getting your product out there
i’m not on fucking television
are people finding me because
someone sent him a link to a
clear way off yeah
okay i disagree
you’re not off the grid okay
you’re on the internet man you’re not on the internet
big wait this is
the this is there’s a website that i
frequent all the time called mix martial
arts com and it
has nothing to do with you and
there’s a section called the
where they talk about mma
fights and there’s the
other ground
where they talk
about anything else
and they always have sections on comedians
and your name comes up
all the time
and i understand that but i’m saying that
you have to feed that
process yes yes
agreed yeah
at the same time a million people have said
i never even
heard of you
sorry no offense man
i never heard of you till my
buddy lou your dvd
yeah so yeah
it’s it’s getting that out there so that’s the
other important
thing about
yeah urge you don’t you don’t give a fuck
about torrents or anything like
that do you do you have no idea i don’t give a fuck
about that shit
when people have my shit on my
phone for free camera
no but i mean
computers computers you don’t know what a bit torn is
where you can download movies
oh stealing
yeah stealing no i’m all for
stealing and this is what it’s not
stealing well listen listen this is what
steal from me
and you’ll agree with me
and this is fucking very important i encourage you
fucking downloading
and sharing and burning files of all the shit
that i’ve released
yes but don’t come to the show
and you decide when i’m releasing my new cd
on your fucking cell
phone camera i
agree that i
agree it is
annoying however i also
think that it look as long as everybody else can just
deal with the real hardcore fans are
gonna research
these videos
can deal with the fact this is material that’s in
it’s in development
it starts out here and
maybe you want to
watch it in development that’s all cool too
but don’t fucking go to shows and yell out
punch lines when you know what they are
because you saw a clip on youtube and the bit is only
a month old and it’s
going through some metamorphosis
like don’t be a douchebag
but as long as you’re not
a douchebag and you come to a show i don’t mind if you
i don’t mind
all the i had to
take that down for a reason
cause i hate looking at myself
so when i see someone
filming that’s a
million reasons i
agree i’m worried
about how i look
it’s just taking me
as much as i
would take you
out of your day if you’re fucking at 7 eleven i just
start filming you oh for no reason
absolutely great it’s really distracting
and it’s the ice
house of pasadena
and i yelled at some lady but i
wasn’t really mad but i was like you can’t just fucking
just live your life
don’t fucking live your life through a fucking youtube
this is ridiculous just
enjoy this moment you don’t have to read you’re
alive you’re
three rows away from
me if i don’t affect you enough that you
can remember the shit that i said then it’s not really
worth it just
enjoy the good feeling that you had
while you were there
and come see me
again just you don’t have to fucking live
through a goddamn lens of a can
i’ve said the same thing
i’ve said don’t film me in so many fucking ways now
you have bits on it right you have bits on people
filming i’ve had yeah
i’ve had a number of bits i have more bits about
about stop filming me than overpopulation again
i can’t be honest i can’t tell you
stuff i can’t say that my girlfriend’s sister is if
my girlfriend’s sister was a fat cunt
i couldn’t do a bit about it
what if she was a big fat cunt and did something really
awful and i wanted to talk
about it you have to can’t talk
about my fucking nephews kind of
crazy no no little looney violent
he looks at the moon a lot nice
yeah but i could
never do bits because
he’s kind of an
idiot savant
he knows how to use computers there’s
some people in my life that are hanging onto a thread
because i’m
thinking about
throwing them down the river
i’m talking
about chucking them
under the bus and doing a fucking closing bit on them
there’s a few people in my life where i
think about how
crazy they are and i’m like
motherfucker i just
wanna you’re
gonna be my closing act
but you can’t
i know well because it fucking hurts when it comes back
no you don’t want them to be upset yeah
people you know you can make fun of me all day but it’s
making fun of
other people man for
people making
someone making fun of
you you don’t even know them for most people it’s like
for us it’s like you just get like
don’t google your name because if you
do some anonymous douchebags
gonna be mad at you somewhere for sure
and i hate myself so much that’s just
a voice seconding what i already thought
this is what i find and i’m sure you
find the same way do you find yourself
hating yourself
the most when you have to edit your shit
when you have to
like go like edit a dvd or something like that and you
watch your bits over and over
again you’re like oh will you shut the fuck
up yeah no i can’t
stand the fucking way i look people say
we’re egomaniacs or
narcissist it’s
like when you’re editing you get to a certain
point in your comedy
i think and you get to a certain
point where you really kind of
appreciate what this is all about
and this is really not all
about all this personal attention it’s really not all
about know people loving you it’s really
about like finding a way that tune into all these
crazy ideas
so that other people get
enjoyment out of it
and when you hear yourself do it you hear yourself
say it it’s you it’s you saying it’s you doing it
you’re judging yourself you like shut the fuck up
yeah no i i
i don’t like doing comedy
i really don’t
don’t you really know you do
though you say you don’t but you do i know you do if i
could bullshit
you wouldn’t do what you don’t want to do
you do like it there’s moments
you like you don’t like
you might not like
forty percent of it
i don’t i there’s moments
going on steve
crush you love it
yeah no no come on no
absolutely when
you knock it out of the
park when you really find a fucking but when i knock
it out that really
locks into people’s heads and they go yes
fuck yeah but i’ve
like everything that i’ve been passionate
about i’ve beaten into the ground
right i can’t fucking do another overpopulation bit
i’ll probably find a way i
can help you
i can help you with all
these things
i can help you with all
these things no
knocking it out of the park to me
is when i come up with something
off the top of my head when i actually
riff and i get a couple of fucking lines
that’s not i can have a shitty
show but if i said something that amused me
like oh fuck that was fun
that’s funny you just need when i say
write that down to someone in the fucking audience
right right
right that’s what i’m talking
about yeah yeah
yeah but those moments are
worth it all
those moments are
worth it all
where you are the fucking
lightning rod
and the bolt hits you out of the heavens and
you get this thought when you’re on
stage that you really
never went down
that avenue before but also you go there
and the on it just destroys and your howling
laughing the thoughts that
you didn’t even you don’t even know
where the fuck it came from you
could scarcely take
i was just saying to someone that
the applause that you hear
before the show when they announce
you doug stanhope and you hear that fucking massive
round of applause
is nothing but fucking terror of
expectations that i don’t
think i can meet
yeah i don’t feel
like that’s love and i worked hard for that i feel like
they want more than i have to offer well
that’s one of the problems that you had with the
kyle cs comedy course and you use a brilliant example
where you’re talking about
david tell who’s one of
my favorite comedians and your favorite comedians and
one of the most unique guys in my opinion
they come along a lot he
still records his set
he still has
a fucking mini recorder and he listens to his set
after twenty some years of comedy
yeah and he gets mad at himself and he
doesn’t like his bits he
doesn’t believe in them and he gets
upset and he
gets insecure meanwhile he’s brilliant
you know and that was the example that you use that
you don’t always have to be confident that’s not true
like sometimes you can just do it and be ashamed of
everything you say and ashamed of every
laugh you get
it’s no formula man
yeah a lot of guys are only
successful because they hate themselves so much
there’s no formula for anything that any of us do you
see you’ve never predicted
which had really funny
that as soon as they became
successful doctor
said another fucking word yeah
a lot of them how
about a lot of them how
about a lot of them forgot what it’s all about
right and the reason why they forgot what it’s all
about it’s because
these fucking people were hungry at one
point in time they were that’s
where comedy
most comedy comes from a
place of fear
and hate right
just a matter of choosing
your perspective in my opinion
hedberg cut you off
but hedberg was it a perfect perfect example
where you look at that guy on
paper like the shit that he
would say on paper
like the joke
about double trees yeah
you know how they
they have a meeting
how did they name that
let’s call it two trees
no let’s call it double tree
meeting adjourned
doesn’t even
seem like that should be
funny why is that
funny meanwhile i’m
alone in my car
laughing my ass off when i hear it on xm radio
there’s certain
guys that they just they find out joey diaz
perfect example
you’ve said it best you said joey diaz
could read the phone book
and it’d be funnier than 90
of the comments i
don’t think i agree
i think you did
wayne that term
but no i think it
might not it is a term
but i read shade
expression it is
i don’t want to get
mom credit for
you said it best when you said it and i heard
i can’t say it
third hand you can say a
second hand
i can’t say a third
hand i had to take
i got you i have
to go do you have
to do it soon
so what time
is it let’s find a closer
yeah let’s talk
let’s talk about it
you know here’s a six pack
i think we drink a lot of here we
drink all of them
i’m pretty fucked up
yours over there
by the way this is the only time i’ve ever been drunk
this is the only time
drunk on a podcast and on top of it stops in the middle
due to these big ass bitches
that didn’t have anything
to 22 ounce here you know it’s 6 p m
i’ve had oh i had eggs
lies lies lies had pancakes i had
some chinese
and a chinky
banana um so here’s here’s hey kyle sees
i didn’t love yeah i don’t it’s not it’s not personal
listen you know you could do better
we know i can do
better you can do better we can all do better kyle sees
you can do better okay
maybe just cut down
hyperbole yeah
comedy master course what the fuck dude
master after three days
that’s what they were
getting on him for on the
podcast was
there’s one clip of him it’s a
montage compilation real for his
class he goes
do you want to make a million dollars in your
first year of comedy
oh no it doesn’t say that
call c’s fuck you call c’s
that’s ridiculous
call c’s that’s that’s bullshit
i know you’re a delicate flower and we all
are gonna be fine
fuck you’re
gonna be okay
stop doing that
just do comedy
the last thing that i want to talk
about and this is
sort of a reoccurring theme and
i think one of the reasons why you don’t like comedy
and one of the reasons why comedy bothers
you is you’re really fucking good at it
and this is just my own theory
i think when you get really good at anything you
don’t feel like you deserve any of what you’re doing
and i think when you get
to this point
where all these people are
pointing at
you and go oh he’s fucking awesome he’s the shit and
you’re the fucking man you get
these twitter messages and like
okay it becomes creepy because you know that
to be really good at something to be
to tune into something like you do look i’m a fucking
comedy connoisseur alright
i’ve been doing
stand up comedy for
oh i guess 22 years 22 years now i’ve been doing it
and i’ve been
watching it for much longer
than that and you’re one of my favorites so i know
that you you’re
tuned into it i know you’re
tuned into it
but when you’re
tuned into it in
order to really in
order to really get the energy
the creativity that in
order to really fucking tap into the
muse you gotta
think you’re a
piece of shit
you gotta think you’re not
worthy you gotta
think that it’s all bullshit you
gotta think that
well fucking different who the fuck am i what is
you can never
think you’re the shit
when these guys get
famous that’s what happens that’s why they suck
they get famous and everybody tells them
they’re the shit
and they start
thinking they’re special and they
start thinking they’re protected
and they don’t want to dive into the fucking sea of
humanity well everyone
laughs when it’s not
funny that’s true that’s true yeah that’s true
but i have to
i will enjoy it more when i can get back to a place
where i’m not worried
about living up to
cause i used
to fuck off man that’s in your
head dinner like
while i’m doing on stage
that shits in your head i
think you can get past
those ideas
if you just
take care of your body a little bit better there’s a
lot of stress that comes up to me when i don’t exercise
the only energy that’s coming the only
feeling of expectation is all
the performance of the show
and the energy all
these people and it’s like
there’s not enough other
physical activity
going on are you
about to pitch
me the joe rogan
comedy workout
the joe rogan
comedy boot camp
that you two can be
powerfully funny
from flashlight
a partially
sponsored by flashlight
floppy dicks
no i mean it
sounds very cliche and hippie
and yoga be i
really want to
bring this back to my
girlfriend have it
i brought you something baby it’s realistic it’s
modeled after mine please say no more it is yours i’m
gonna fuck this vampire
mouth but you can have this fake rubber dick so you
you know i fucking love a fucking there’s there’s a
there’s a balance to all of it and i think
we both we both seek the balance
in in in in
as you’re holding
a rubber vagina that’s on its period no
cause i’ll fucking the shit out of a girl on a period
it’s like saying
something a rubber vagina that’s as big as a house
that’s like yeah it’s realistic but it’s way too big
go ahead um i think
i don’t fucking
say alright let’s not deconstruct comedy but
it’s not deconstructing
comedy i’m just trying to say that
i think this whole
thing is what
we all do in comedy it’s all about
tuning into the idea that’s relevant to you
tuning into the whatever you’re saying on
stage that hits you
and a lot of it
doesn’t a lot of it makes them
laugh and it
doesn’t make you
laugh and it’s
like you’re trying to find this fucking spot
but it’s all the same
thing we’re all just trying to like
just just get to the pure shit
tune into the pure shit tune into the pure idea
you know and then there’s always this big big battle
with yourself when you’re doing that
you know there’s a big
self hate thing and an insecurity
thing and then when you all know
those people
fucking love you but you’re the same guy when you were
shit in your
pants when you’re in your car
and oh yeah i don’t have like
fame issues or anything like that i just
i not even fame issues
just accept
living what you do
expectation that is fame though
expectations of
human level
it’s not a matter of
fame doesn’t have to worldwide
shit fame can be neighborhood fame can fuck you up
you can think you’re some
fucking dude remember
that from the runaways remember the hot
whore i said was waiting with coke at the fucking show
i’m gonna have to do it now
do it do what now
the coke the coke
you gotta get out of here yeah 6
15 we got rush
hour yeah if
tonight ladies and gentlemen if you’re
one of the best
comics working in the country today
it sounds like
fucking hollywood bullshit we’re blowing
smoke up each
other’s asses but
i really do
i’m glad we’re friends
and you inspire me and i love talking to you and i love
what you’re doing i love
everything you’re doing
i’ve always
i mentioned you on the road
alright this is
going nowhere
now every time i go i have a
talk about fucking
and anyone who
has kids i don’t have friends that have kids
cause as soon
as they have fucking kids i don’t talk to them anymore
and i’ll always say
except for joe rogan
he scares the fuck out of me i
still talk to him he can have as many kids as he wants
you’d be upset at me if i had kids if i didn’t
if i wasn’t an intimidating guy
is that what you’re saying no i just
once people have kids they tend to
drift in other directions anyway
and i don’t
i was myself before i had kids
i think a lot of people are not themselves they don’t
understand well they want to incorporate
their kids into your and i fucking
despise children
the younger the worst like
babies i was fucking terrified i go
i said to brian and then this
brian i like
fuck am i gonna have to look at his baby
cause i’m gonna have to pretend
like if i someone came to my
house and i go
these are my dogs and they go i fucking hate dogs that
would bum me out so i’m
gonna have to be do the
right thing
and look at his kid
but you didn’t fucking make me look at the kid and i
think kids are
fucking fascinating man i was not looking to me
i know you say that i know you say that
well i mean some
things are music
doesn’t fascinate
me kids don’t fascinate
me look i’ve been
in exactly the same position
where you’re at
dying people fascinate me i fucking love people
dying they well
the idea is fascinating the
whole idea that there’s two people in the last
three shows i’ve done
including last
night i’m dying of cancer
it came up and the guy was
obviously fucking
dying of cancer
great way to end the show yeah
it’s a motherfucker but it’s not a bad way to end the
show no that’s a fucking that’s exactly the only
thing i love
about comedy
and the fan base i’ve created the audience that i have
is that’s not rare
my shows attract people that are that
fucking out on the fringes or
in the darkest
places of life that come to see me
then not just
but not just
i know a lot of oh yeah no but i’m saying a lot of
smart people love your shit
i do agree though
that you’re so honest and so out there and so
you know you’re you’re you’re tapping into it to the
point where
i don’t know
i’m not on the message
board but this is just a fucking such a
suck each other off fest
there’s gonna be
three pages of your message board
why don’t you suck each
other’s dicks more
yeah you fucking love each
other nut huggers
yeah fucking of course make me hard is in the fucking
background of
that yeah this is an interesting conversation
backslash nuthuggery
all right please
check out my friend joe rogan’s podcast
you’re already on it they’re already on it oh yeah
dougstandhope com
ladies gentlemen
doug stanhope on twitter
doug stanhope is appearing
at john lovett’s comedy club tonight and tomorrow night
is thursday what’s
today’s date brian
thursday and friday
23rd 23rd and 24th
in hollywood tickets
still available you can get tickets online at
john what is it somewhere
fucking figure it out yeah
you don’t need to find it
you don’t need to come to the show all right
we gotta talk
about some shit off the air
thanks to the
flashlight for
sponsoring our
show thanks to
brian for keeping it together it’s been a tough week
thanks to doug stan hope for coming on finally
best podcast we’ve ever done
love you bitches bye bye