♪ The Simpsons ♪

HOMER:

Do I smell cupcakes?

-Ooh! Do I ever!

-MARGE: Uh-uh, Homer.

Lisa’s making these

for her teacher.

Ah. Say no more.

-Yum! Don’t mind if I do.

-Bart!

-Oh, man!

-LISA: Keep your greasy mitts outta there.

-These are for Lisa’s class.

-It’s Mrs. Hoover’s birthday.

-You know, there are names you.

-No, there aren’t.

-Teacher’s pet, apple polisher, butt kisser–

-Bart!

-You’re saying “butt kisser” like it’s bad.

-Huh?

Well, you see, boy, it never hurts

to grease the wheels a little.

I’m not greasing the wheels, Dad.

I like my teacher.

Sure, Lis.

You see how it works, Bart?

A cupcake here,

a good grade there.

Dad, I get good grades

‘cause I’m smart

and I pay attention

and I study hard.

Yeah, right, Lisa.

It’s the three roads to success, Bart:

work, brains and hmm–

Oh, brother.

-(horn honks)

-Uh-Oh, school bus. Gotta go.

Heh-heh-heh.

Doh!

-Yo, Ottoman!

-Yo, Bartdude!

Hey, can you

believe it, man?

My sister here made a whole pile of

cupcakes to butter up her teacher,

and she won’t give anybody else

even one measly little crumb.

That’s bad news, man.

Here, Otto.

I made an extra one for you.

-Oh, thanks, little lady.

-You’re welcome.

-(engine rumbles)

-(students) Whoa!

-Better let me hold these, Lis.

-Forget it.

-You sniveling toad! You little egg sucker!

-Tell me more.

Back-Scratcher.

Foot-Licker. Honor student!

You’ll never get one now,

Mr. Name-Caller.

All right, all right. Look, I’m sorry.

I-I got upset.

In the heat of the moment,

I said some things

I didn’t mean.

-You weren’t thinking, were you?

-No.

-I’m not a sniveling toad, am I?

-Not really.

I’m not a little

egg sucker, am I?

-Of course not.

-Then what am I?

A beautiful human being.

What do you like

best about me?

Well, I’d have to say…

your generous nature,

your spirit of giving.

Well–

Open your mouth

and close your eyes,

and you will get a big surprise.

Ahh!

Thanks, Lis.

You’re the best.

-Look, Janey. Cupcakes.

-Ah, give me that!

LISA:

Hey, give those back!

Hey, what’s the big idea?

That’s my sister, man.

So what?

So give her back

those cupcakes

before I knock

your block off.

Don’t, Bart!

He’s a friend of Nelson Muntz!

(angry shouting)

Ooh!

(groaning)

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

(groans)

Wha–

Nelson,

you’re bleeding.

Nah, happens all the time.

Somebody else’s blood

splatters on me.

(sniffs)

Hey, wait a minute.

You’re right.

You made me bleed

my own blood!

(students gasp)

It was an accident, man.

A terrible, ghastly mistake.

Ask anybody.

(wind blowing)

Uh-oh.

A cold wind.

Hello, kids.

Everything above the board here?

Good.

Play friendly, children.

-(bell rings)

-Uh-Oh, there’s your bell.

Come along, now, all of you.

No dawdling, now.

I’ll get you

after school, man.

But–

No, no, no.

He’ll get you after school, son.

Now hurry up.

It’s time for class.

But–

Scoot, young Simpson.

There’s learning afoot.

Okay, Nelson,

put up your dukes!

Whaa!

Yikes!

Uh-uh-uh!

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh.

Aah!

-Uh-Oh.

-Mmm!

-Stop!

-Lunchtime!

Ha, ha, ha!

-Lunchtime!

-Aah!

Lunchtime, Bart.

It’s lunchtime.

I ain’t gonna get out

of the fourth grade alive.

You’ve gotta tell

Principal Skinner, Bart.

I can’t squeal.

It would violate the

code of the schoolyard.

Hey, everybody!

Here comes my brother,

Bart the bully-killer!

-(cheering)

-You’re our hero, Bart!

Look, everybody.

I would just as soon not

make a big deal out of this.

I’m not sayin’

I’m not a hero.

I’m just saying that

I fear for my safety.

(mumbling)

Look out!

Nelson, it was

all a mistake.

This is how it

happened, man.

Listen up. You may get

a kick out of it.

My sister was making cupcakes this morning

and–

I’ll see you

at the flagpole at 3:15.

And you better

be prompt.

He has four other beatings

scheduled this afternoon.

(weeping)

Good-bye,

little dude.

-He looks so lifelike, man.

-Yes.

The school nurse did

a wonderful job

reconstructing his

little face after the fight.

♪♪ (portable stereo)

Good-bye, son.

I guess you were right.

All that homework

was a waste of your time.

Thanks, Bart. We got the day off

from school for this.

-Yeah, and I got the day off from work.

-Homer!

Who wants a day off from work

when I’m never gonna see

my beloved son again?

Oh, Bart!

Oh, Bart!

That’s better,

Homer.

Be brave.

Bye-bye, Bart.

You were always my

special little guy. (sniffs)

(sucking sound)

Bart, here’s that

cupcake you wanted.

I can’t help but think if I had just

given it to you in the first place,

this whole horrible tragedy

could have been avoided.

I know you can’t

eat it now,

so I’ll just place it

lovingly on your forehead.

Hey, look.

They got food at this thing.

-Here’s one for the road, dude.

-(punches)

(ringing)

-Aah!

-Put ’em up.

(groaning)

Oh! Boy, you sure

taught me a lesson.

Whoo.

Thanks, guys.

I guess now all that’s left

is a hearty handshake.

Right, guys?

I’m gonna get you again

tomorrow, Simpson.

(groans)

Is 3:15 good for you?

Uh, not really.

Too bad.

(groaning)

Oh, no.

Oh, man,

that guy’s tough to love.

(clattering sound)

(groaning)

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Dad.

-Tough day at school, boy?

-Bart, what happened to you?

Let’s just say I paid the inevitable price

for helping out my sister.

So, you had a little

scuffle, eh? Heh-Heh.

HOMER:

Hope you won.

I’m gonna miss you,

big guy.

(groaning)

Bart, your mother

has the fool idea…

that you’re upset

about something.

Dad, I need help.

Please. Oh.

Now come on, Bart.

We don’t want your mother

to see you crying.

-Here.

-Oh, man.

Let me help you

dry those tears.

(blowing sound)

So what’s

the problem, son?

-I had a run-in with a bully.

-A bully?

Come on, Marge! I don’t bug you

when you’re helping Lisa.

Well, Bart, I hope you’re going straight

to the principal about this.

I guess I could do that.

What? And violate the code

of the schoolyard? I’d rather Bart died.

What on Earth are you

talking about, Homer?

The code of the

schoolyard, Marge.

The rules that teach

a boy to be a man. Let’s see.

Don’t tattle. Always make fun

of those different from you.

Never say anything

unless you’re sure everyone feels

exactly the same way you do.

-What else?

-Homer, that’s ridiculous.

Bart, instead of fighting,

why don’t you try

a little understanding?

-What do you mean, Mom?

-Yeah, right.

-This oughta be good for a laugh.

-Shh!

This bully friend of yours,

is he a little on the chunky side?

-Yeah, he’s pretty chunkified, all right.

-Mm-Hmm.

And I’ll bet he doesn’t do well

in his studies, either.

No, he’s pretty dumb.

He’s in all the same

special classes I am.

-That’s why he lashes out at the world.

-Oh, Marge.

So tomorrow, instead of

bickering with this boy, talk to him.

You’ll be surprised how far

a little understanding will go.

Well, thank you very much,

Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi.

-Let’s go, boy.

-(growls)

Now here’s that bully of yours.

Show me your stuff.

(weak grunting)

No, no! Not like that!

Like this!

(growling)

(grunting)

See that, boy?

You didn’t expect

that, did you?

And neither will he.

You mean I should

fight dirty, Dad?

Unfortunately, son,

we Simpsons

sometimes have to bend the rules

a little in order to hold our own.

Amen.

So the next time

this bully

thinks you’re gonna throw a punch,

you throw a glob

of mud in his eyes!

And then you sock him

when he’s staggerin’ around blinded!

-Yeah!

-And there’s nothing wrong…

with hitting someone

when his back is turned.

-Gotcha.

-And if you get the chance,

get him right

in the family jewels.

That little doozy’s been

a Simpson trademark for generations.

Thanks, Pop.

-Whoa!

-Put ’em up!

Ha!

Ooh!

(groaning)

Remember

the family jewels, son.

Hmm?

(Bart groaning)

Oh, no, boys.

Not the can, please.

-(crashing sound)

-Doh!

(clattering sound)

Bart, you can’t

go on like this.

I know.

(coughs)

-Why don’t you go see grandpa?

-What can he do?

He’ll give you good advice.

He’s the toughest Simpson alive.

-He is?

-Yeah.

Remember the fight he put up

when we put him in the home?

(rocking chairs squeaking)

I’m here

to see Grandpa.

Half the people here

are named Grandpa.

-Well, Grandpa Simpson then.

-(grumbling)

Second floor, third

dank room on the left.

Thanks, lady.

“Dear advertisers,

“I am disgusted with the way

old people are depicted on television.

“We are not all vibrant,

fun-loving sex maniacs.

“Many of us are bitter,

resentful individuals

“who remember

the good old days

“when entertainment

was bland and inoffensive.

“The following

is a list of words…

“I never want to hear

on television again.

“Number one: Bra.

“Number two: Horny.

Number three:

Family Jewels.”

-Hi, Grandpa!

-Bart, what brings you here?

I need some advice,

Grandpa.

See, there’s this bully

at school who keeps beating me up.

Let me tell you

somethin’, boy.

If you don’t

stand up for yourself,

bullies are gonna be pickin’ on you

for the rest of your life.

Simpson, give me

your newspaper!

-Why should I?

-I wanna do the crossword puzzle.

No, I want to do

the crossword puzzle!

-I said, give me that puzzle.

-No.

-Give me!

-No!

-Give me!

-No!

(struggling sounds)

Heh-heh-heh.

Well, I guess I can’t help you,

but I know someone who can.

-Here?

-Yep, this is it.

-(knocking on door)

-What’s the password?

-Let me in, you idiot!

-Yeah, right you are.

So, Herman, has the

large-type edition…

of this month’s “Soldier of Fortune”

come in yet?

No, not yet.

Can I interest you in some authentic Nazi

underpants?

No!

Actually, we came over

because I want you to

meet my grandson, Bart.

Ah. Hello,

young American.

Hello, sir.

Uh, Mr. Herman?

-Yes?

-(stuttering)

Did you lose your arm

in the war?

My arm? Well,

let me put it this way.

Next time

your teacher tells you

to keep your arm inside

the bus window, you do it!

Yes, sir,

I will.

Bart’s got a problem

with a local young bully

named Nelson.

I thought you could help him

with some kind of strategy.

Strategy. Hmm.

How many men do you have?

-None.

-You’ll need more.

And you’ll need to train them hard!

Now, let’s see.

Ah. Okay.

The key to Springfield

has always been Elm Street.

The Greeks knew it.

The Carthaginians knew it.

Now you know it.

First you’ll need

a declaration of war.

Uh, ah!

That way, everything you do

will be nice and legal.

Okay, I can use this one

from the Franco-Prussian war.

I’ll just change “Otto von Bismarck”

to read “Bart Simpson.”

-(muttering)

-Psst!

-Grandpa, I think this guy’s a little nuts.

-Oh, yeah?

Well, General George S. Patton

was a little nuts.

And this guy is completely

out of his mind.

We can’t fail!

♪♪ (Patton theme)

Psst!

Pass it on!

BOY: So, mister, what are

we doin’ here anyway?

I wonder

where Bart is.

Yeah. It’s way past

1500 hours.

(coughs)

Okay, we all know

why we’re here, right?

-No. Why?

-To fight Nelson the bully.

That guy has been tormenting all of us

for years, and I for one am sick of it.

I can’t promise you victory.

I can’t promise you good times.

But the one thing

I do know–

Whoa, whoa!

All right! Okay!

I promise you victory!

I promise you good times!

(cheering)

♪ I got a “B”

in Arithmetic ♪

♪ I got a “B”

in Arithmetic ♪

♪ Would’ve got an “A”

but I was sick ♪

♪ Would’ve got an “A”

but I was sick ♪

Aah!

♪ We are rubber

you are glue ♪

♪ We are rubber

you are glue ♪

♪ It bounces off of us

and sticks to you ♪

♪ It bounces off of us

and sticks to you ♪

-♪ Sound off ♪

-♪ One, two ♪

-♪ Sound off ♪

-♪ Three, four ♪

(no audible dialogue)

-Go!

-(growling)

-Go!

-(barking)

-What’s the matter with you, soldier?

-It’s my nerves, sir.

I just can’t stand

the barking anymore.

Your nerves?

I won’t have cowards

in my army.

-Ow!

-Sorry, Bart.

You can push them

out of a plane,

you can march them

off a cliff,

you can send ’em off to die

on some godforsaken rock,

but for some reason,

you can’t slap ’em.

Now apologize to

that boy right now.

-Sorry, man.

-It’s cool.

♪ In English class

I did the best ♪

♪ In English class

I did the best ♪

♪ Because I cheated

on the test ♪

♪ Because I cheated

on the test ♪

-♪ Sound off ♪

-♪ One, two ♪

-I can’t hear you!

-♪ Three, four ♪

All right, there’s your enemy.

Now hit him!

Hit him!

Let’s go, next group.

Martinez! Steinberg!

O’hara! Chang!

Olajuwon! Herman!

(grunting)

Die! Die!

♪ We are happy

we are merry ♪

♪ We are happy

we are merry ♪

♪ We got a rhyming

dictionary ♪

♪ We got a rhyming

dictionary ♪

-♪ Sound off ♪

-♪ One, two ♪

-One more time!

-♪ Three, four ♪

Bring it

on home now!

♪ One, two, three, four

one, two, three, four ♪

Nelson’s at the Elm Street

video arcade.

Intelligence indicates he shakes down

kids for quarters at the arcade.

Then he heads to the Quick-E-Mart

for a cherry squishy.

Then that’s where

we’ll hit him.

When he leaves the Quick-E-Mart,

we start the saturation bombing.

-We got the water balloons?

-Two hundred rounds, sir.

Is it okay if they say

“Happy Birthday” on the side?

Well, I’d rather they say

“Death From Above,”

but I guess we’re stuck.

Okay, our main force will

be split into two groups.

One will circle around this way

to cut off the enemy’s retreat,

the other will drive in this way,

closing the trap.

It’s a classic

pincers movement.

-It can’t fail against a ten-year-old.

-Heh-heh!

-Nelson’s at the arcade, General.

-Battle stations.

-I feel so alive!

-You know,

I thought

I was too old.

I thought

my time had passed.

I thought I’d never hear

the screams of pain

or see the look of terror

in a young man’s eyes.

Thank heaven

for children.

Hey, good squishies.

-What flavor did you get?

-Blue.

Hey, you two birds!

You’re gonna be suckin’ all

your meals through straws

if you don’t

shut your traps.

(sucking)

Well, looky here.

Little Bart Simpson.

Nelson, I’m afraid I’m gonna have

to teach you a lesson.

Ha! Oh, yeah?

You and what army?

This one.

Artillery,

commence

saturation bombing!

(groaning)

(kids shouting)

Hey!

(groaning)

All right, you kids!

Keep it down!

Am I making myself–

Heh-heh-heh!

Got him!

You, up in the tree.

The tall gray-haired kid.

Get your butt down here

right now! Doh!

No! Please!

-Don’t hurt us!

-Oh, we surrender.

W-W-We were only

followin’ orders!

(shouting)

(cheering)

Eww!

Knock it off!

(jeering)

I guess you learned

your lesson, so now I’ll untie you.

The second you untie me,

I’m gonna beat you

to death, man.

Well, if that’s gonna

be your attitude,

I’m not gonna untie you.

Ha! You’re gonna

have to sometime.

Uh-Oh.

He’s right.

Don’t you worry.

I was ready for this

little eventuality.

(gunfire from

tv program)

Armistice treaty,

article four.

“Nelson is never again to raise

his fists in anger.” Article five.

“Nelson recognizes Bart’s right

to exist.” Article six.

“Although Nelson shall have

no official power,

he shall remain a figurehead

of menace in the neighborhood.”

Wow. Sounds good to me.

Okay, I’ll sign.

What about you, boy?

All right, I’ll sign.

Are you boys

through playing war?

-Yeah.

-Yes, Mrs. Simpson.

-Good. Then here’s some cupcakes.

-Oh, boy!

-Cupcakes.

-Mmm!

(gulping sounds)

Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

contrary to what

you’ve just seen,

war is neither

glamorous nor fun.

There are no winners.

Only losers.

There are no good wars,

with the following exceptions:

The American Revolution, World War II,

and the “Star Wars” trilogy.

If you’d like

to learn more about war,

there’s lots of books

in your local library–

Many of them with

cool, gory pictures.

Well, good night, everybody.

Peace, man.

♪♪ (Patton theme)

♪♪

-(mumbling)

-Shh!