♪ The Simpsons ♪

-(chalk screeches)

-(bell rings)

(work whistle blows)

-(sucking)

-(register beeping)

(jazzy solo)

(tires screech)

-(tires screech)

-(horn honking)

(tires screech)

-Aah!

-(tires screech)

-(faucet dripping)

-(pounding on door)

-(pounding)

-(sighs)

Lisa! Lisa, are you

still in there?

What’s the problem?

Did you fall in? (chuckles)

Lisa!

-Sorry, Dad. Women and children first.

-What the–

(Bart laughing)

(humming)

Where the hell

are my keys?

Who stole my keys?

Come on. I’m late for work.

Oh, Homer, you’d lose your head

if it weren’t securely fastened

to your neck.

-Did you check the den?

-The den! Great idea.

-(cat screeches)

-(groaning)

Warm. No, cold.

-Colder. Ice cold.

-Huh?

Do you know where my keys are?

No. I’m talkin’ about

your breakfast.

-(growls)

-Did you try the rumpus room?

Rumpus room?

Great idea.

-Oh, Dad.

-Huh?

-Doh!

-Oh, Homer.

Here.

I’m sorry, everybody,

but I’ve only got two cupcakes

for the three of you.

Well, Mom, one of us

has scarfed down

more than enough cupcakes

over the past three decades to–

-Bart!

-Just take mine.

A simple cupcake

will bring me no pleasure.

-Oh, yeah!

-All right!

All right, class.

From the top.

One, and two,

and three, and–

-♪♪

-♪ My country, ’tis of thee ♪

♪ La da da da da dee ♪♪

♪♪ (band continues)

♪♪ (saxophone riff)

-(tapping)

-Lisa!

♪♪ (sax continues)

Lisa Simpson!

Lisa, there’s no room

for crazy bebop

in “My Country ‘Tis of Thee.”

But Mr. Largo, that’s

what my country’s all about.

What?

I’m wailing out for the homeless

family living out of its car.

The Iowa farmer whose land

has been taken away

by unfeeling bureaucrats.

The West Virginia coal miner,

coughing up–

That’s all fine and good,

but, Lisa, none of those

unpleasant people

are going to be

at the recital next week.

Now, class.

From the top.

-Five, six, seven–

-♪♪ (resumes)

Every day at noon

a bell rings,

and they herd us in here

for feeding time.

And we sit around

like cattle,

chewing our cuds,

dreading the inevitable–

(laughs)

Food fight!

Come on, Lis!

What are you waiting for?

Chuck that spaghetti.

I choose not to participate.

(grunts)

(whistle blows)

Lisa, we are playing

dodge ball here.

The object of the game is

to avoid the ball

by weaving or ducking

out of its path.

In other words,

to dodge the ball.

Listen, missy,

just tell me why

you weren’t getting out of

the way of those balls.

I’m too sad.

Too sad to play dodge ball?

That’s ridiculous.

Now, let’s see some enthusiasm.

Play ball!

(whistle blows)

(grunting)

Come on, come on.

Let’s go.

♪♪ (game theme)

BART: In the red trunks

with the record of 48 wins

and no losses,

the undisputed champ

of this house,

Battling Bart Simpson!

-(whistling, cheering)

-BART: Whoopee, whoo!

And in the lavender trunks,

with a record of zero wins

and 48 defeats–

Oh, correction.

Humiliating defeats,

-all of them by knockout–

-Must you do this every time?

Homer “The Human Punching Bag”

Simpson!

(game bell rings)

HOMER:

Doh! Stupid joystick!

(laughing) Three seconds, folks.

A new record.

HOMER: Hey, no. I’m not down.

I’m– Get up, you!

Get off the mat.

Okay. Here we go.

Yo, chump, you back again?

HOMER: Get outta the way!

How come he’s not ducking?

Wait a minute. I can’t get my– Get out of

the way, stupid!

-Homer?

-Not now, Marge! (grunts)

-Get out of the corner!

-They sent a note from school.

What did you do this time,

you little hoodlum?

Oops, get outta the way!

I didn’t do it.

Nobody saw me do it.

There’s no way

they can prove anything.

No, Bart.

This note isn’t about you.

It isn’t?

There must be some mistake.

Hey, you’re right.

This note’s about Lisa.

-Lisa?

-(Bart grunting)

♪♪ (game music)

(sighs)

(Homer reading aloud)

She doesn’t look sad.

I don’t see any tears

in her eyes.

It’s not that kind of sad.

I’m sorry, Dad, but you

wouldn’t understand.

Oh, sure, I would, princess.

I have feelings too.

You know, like,

“My stomach hurts.”

Or “I’m going crazy!”

Why don’t you climb up

on Daddy’s knee

and tell him all about it.

I’m just wondering

what’s the point?

Would it make any difference

at all if I never existed?

How can we sleep at night

when there’s so much suffering

in the world?

Well, I– Uh–

Come on, Lisa.

Ride the Homer horsey!

Giddyap. Whee!

(laughs)

Lisa, honey,

why don’t we go upstairs,

and I’ll draw you

a nice hot bath.

That helps me

when I feel sad.

Sorry, Dad.

I know you mean well.

Thanks for knowing I mean well.

Gee, Homer. Looks like

you got yourself

a real problem

on your hands.

Yeah, right.

Uh, Bart, vacuum this floor.

Hey, man.

I didn’t do anything wrong!

In times of trouble you’ve

got to go with what you know.

Now, hop to it, boy!

(Bart muttering)

Thinks he’s some big

stupid Homer. Oh, man.

I’ll show him.

He thinks he’s so big.

-Enjoy your bath?

-No, not really.

Oh, too bad.

Well, I certainly

had fun vacuuming.

Maybe now I’ll get the pleasure

of scrubbing your tub.

So typical of Bart.

All he thinks about

is himself.

Hey, don’t say stuff like that

about me to Maggie.

She’s on my side anyway.

-Is not. Is not.

-Is too. Is too.

-Is not.

-Is too!

Watch.

I’ll prove it.

Maggie. Come to the one

you love best.

No, Maggie. Come here, girl.

Come to me.

Come on, Maggie!

The choice is obvious.

No, Maggie.

Don’t go for the glitter.

Look for substance.

All right, Maggie,

just go to Bart.

Exactly. Come to the one

you love best.

HOMER: Oh, no! Come on!

Don’t let the–

Get out of the–

Aaah! Oh, no,

not again.

Get over to the–

Aaah!

♪♪ (game music)

(laughing)

Gee, Dad, you’re

really bad at this.

I am not.

It’s just that I–

-♪♪ (saxophone playing jazz)

-Couldn’t concentrate

with that infernal racket.

Lisa! Lisa.

♪♪ (continues)

Lisa, what did I

tell you about

playing that sax-a-ma-thing

in the house?

I was just playing

the blues, Dad.

(crying)

Lisa, I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean to yell.

Go ahead. Play your blues

if it’ll make you happy.

No. That’s okay, Dad.

I’ll just work on

my fingering.

Unless my fingers clacking

on the keys is too loud for you.

Let’s hear it.

(clicking)

You just clack

as loud as you want, Lis.

♪♪ (saxophone playing blues)

I’ve gotta find that sound.

♪♪ (saxophone continues)

That was beautiful.

What’s it called?

Oh, it’s a little tune

that I call…

the “I Never Had

an Italian Suit Blues.”

(moaning)

Wait, Margie.

Before you go out that door,

let’s put our happy face on,

because people know

how good a mommy you have

by the size of your smile.

(muttering)

What the–

-(bell dings)

-(gasps)

-Put up your dukes, Homer.

-(screams)

Bart, go easy on me.

I’m your dad.

I am going easy on you,

but you’re so old and slow…

and weak and pathetic.

No! Bart, no!

(screaming)

Homer, wake up, wake up.

-Huh? Oh, man.

-Oh, my.

Here, let me wipe off

the drool.

You know, Marge, getting old

is a terrible thing.

I think the saddest day

of my life

was when I realized I could

beat my dad at most things.

And Bart experienced

that at the age of four.

So, why are you

still awake?

I’m still trying to figure out

what’s bothering Lisa.

I don’t know.

Bart’s such a handful,

and Maggie needs attention.

But all the while, our little

Lisa is becoming a young woman.

Oh, so that’s it.

This is some kind of

underwear thing.

Mmm. Good night, Homer.

♪♪ (saxophone)

Now, now low b-flat.

♪♪ (continues playing)

Okay, Lisa.

“Altissimo” register.

♪♪ (playing higher range)

Very nice. Very nice.

I once ruptured myself

doin’ that.

Thanks, Mr. Murphy.

My friends call me

Bleedin’ Gums.

Eww. How’d you get

a name like that?

Well, let me put it this way.

You ever been to the dentist?

-Yeah.

-Not me.

I suppose

I should go to one,

but I got enough pain

in my life as it is.

I have problems too.

Well, I can’t help you, kid.

I’m just a terrific horn player

with tons of soul.

-But I can jam with you.

-Okay.

♪♪

♪ Oh, I’m so lonely ♪

♪ Since my baby left me ♪

♪ I got no money ♪

♪ And nothing is free ♪

♪ Oh, I been so lonely ♪

♪ Since the day I was born ♪

♪ All I got is this rusty ♪

♪ This rusty old horn ♪

♪ I got a bratty brother ♪

♪ He bugs me every day ♪

♪ And this morning

my own mother ♪

♪ She gave

my last cupcake away ♪

♪ My dad acts

like he belongs ♪

♪ He belongs in the zoo ♪

♪ I’m the saddest kid ♪

♪ In grade number two ♪♪

You know,

you play pretty well

for someone

with no real problems.

Yeah, but I don’t

feel any better.

The blues isn’t about

feelin’ better.

It’s about makin’

other people feel worse,

and makin’ a few bucks

while you’re at it.

Which reminds me, if you’re

ever in the neighborhood,

I’m playing in a little club

called the Jazz Hole.

Lisa! Get away from

that jazzman!

-But Mom! Can’t I stay a little longer?

-Come on.

We were worried about you.

Nothing personal.

I just fear the unfamiliar.

♪♪ (Blues)

TV ANNOUNCER: Today’s fire raced

through downtown Springfield,

gutting Symphony Hall,

the Springfield Museum

of Natural History,

the Springfield

Arts Center,

and Barney’s

Bowl-a-rama.

-(yells, chokes)

-ANNOUNCER: Officials said the–

Oh, no! Marge!

-Marge, are you all right?

-No! I’m very upset.

Then you’ve heard. Oh, God.

What are we gonna do?

The lanes were kinda warped,

but, oh, the food.

I’m upset about Lisa.

-Oh, me too.

-Me three.

-What are we talking about?

-Bart!

Do you think you’re being nice enough to your

sister, Bart?

Oh, yeah, easy.

You do love her,

don’t you?

-Oh, Mom.

-Well, you do. Don’t you?

Don’t make me say it.

I know the answer.

You know the answer.

He knows the answer.

Let’s just drop it. Okay?

Okay, Bart.

You don’t have to say it,

but you do have to have

a loving attitude.

Be nice to your sister.

-Okey-dokey.

-Go on, Bart.

No time

like the present.

-Hi, man.

-I don’t want your pity.

-Aw, come on. I’ll cheer you up.

-How?

(phone ringing)

Yeah. Moe’s Tavern.

Moe speaking.

-BART: Is Jacques there?

-Who?

Jacques.

Last name Strap.

Uh, hold on.

Uh, Jacques Strap?

Hey, guys, I’m lookin'

for a Jacques Strap.

-(laughing)

-MOE: What?

Aw, wait a minute.

Jacques Strap?

It’s you, isn’t it,

you cowardly little runt!

When I get ahold of you,

I am gonna gut you like a fish

and drink your blood.

-(laughing)

-(dial tone)

Where’s your

sense of humor, man?

(sighs)

Lisa, you’ll be late

for band practice.

Let’s go.

(games blaring, zapping)

Uh, give me some quarters.

I’m doing my laundry.

Yeah. Right.

-Where’s the video boxing?

-It’s over there in the corner.

If I were you I really would use

those quarters for laundry.

Wise guy.

-Hey, that kid’s pretty good.

-Good? Are you kidding?

Over 2,000 fights,

and he’s still on

his original quarter.

Okay, who’s next?

-Me, me, me, me, me!

-HOMER: No, me! No, me!

Listen, can you teach me

to fight like you do?

-I don’t think so.

-Oh, come on.

I’ll tell you what. I’ll do

it if you bark like a dog.

You little–

(barks)

(laughs)

You got yourself a deal, Fido.

(video game music)

Well, looks like you’re

all out of quarters, old man.

That’s okay.

With the tips you’ve given me,

I’m gonna pound

the tar out of

a certain little

smarty-pants tonight.

(footsteps approaching)

Howie! I thought I told you

to stop wasting your money

-in this stupid place!

-(groans) Sorry, Mom.

And you! A man of your age.

You should be ashamed

of yourself.

Excuse me. I think

I hear my wife calling.

(clears throat)

Now, Lisa, listen to me.

This is important.

I want you to smile today.

But I don’t feel like smiling.

Well, it doesn’t matter how

you feel inside, you know.

It’s what shows up

on the surface that counts.

That’s what my mother

taught me.

Take all your bad feelings

and push them down.

All the way down,

past your knees,

until you’re almost

walking on them.

And then you’ll fit in, and

you’ll be invited to parties,

and boys will like you,

and happiness will follow.

Oh, come on.

You can do better than that.

Oh, that’s my girl.

I feel more popular already.

-Hey, uh, nice smile.

-Thanks.

Hey, what are you

talkin’ to her for?

She’s just gonna say

somethin’ weird.

-Not me.

-You know,

I used to think

you were some brainiac,

-but I guess you’re okay.

-Uh-huh.

Hey, why don’t you come over

to my house after practice?

-You could do my homework.

-Okay.

Mmm.

Five minutes, people,

five minutes.

Now, Miss Simpson, I hope

we won’t have a repeat

of yesterday’s outburst

of unbridled creativity.

-No, sir.

-(grunting)

(tires squealing)

(gasps)

Wow, Mom!

Hmm. So that’s

where she gets it.

Lisa, I apologize to you.

I was wrong.

I take it all back.

Always be yourself.

You wanna be sad, honey,

be sad.

We’ll ride it out with you.

And when you get finished

feeling sad,

we’ll still be there.

From now on,

let me do the smiling

for both of us.

Okay, Mom.

I said you could stop

smiling, Lisa.

I feel like smiling.

I’m gonna knock you out

one more time, and that’s it.

This is getting boring, man.

Just try not to kill me

too hard, son. (chuckles)

(bell dings)

-Whoa!

-Kid, tonight’s not your night.

All right, man, you asked

for it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

HOMER: Aha! Blocked it.

You missed me.

(both grunting)

-BART : Oh!

-HOMER: I got you. Ooh.

-Don’t try that. I got you blocked.

-(Bart groaning)

HOMER:

And the crowd is on its feet

as Hurricane Homer moves in

for the kill!

Boys, I’d like

your attention, please.

Quiet, Marge!

This is my big moment!

Bart “The Bloody Pulp”

Simpson is on the ropes.

He is hoping I’ll put him

out of his misery!

Well, you’re in luck, Bart!

Here comes my right!

Oh, no!

My game, my game!

I could have beat the boy.

Marge, how could you?

I was so close.

I’m sorry,

but this is more important

than that silly, loud game.

You’re right, Mom.

I’d just like to

use this occasion

to announce my retirement,

undefeated, from the world

of video boxing.

(sobbing)

Oh, calm down, Homer.

Lisa has an idea

that she thinks

would be fun

for the whole family.

(moaning)

The next song was written

by a friend of mine,

one of the great

little ladies of jazz.

♪♪ (Blues)

♪ I got this bratty brother ♪

♪ He bugs me every day ♪

♪ And this mornin'

my own mother ♪

♪ Gave my last

cupcake away ♪

♪ My dad acts like

he belongs, y’all ♪

♪ He belongs in the zoo ♪

What?

♪ I’m the saddest kid ♪

♪ In grade number two ♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-(muttering)

-Shh!