♪ The Simpsons ♪

-(chalk screeches)

-(bell rings)

(work whistle blows)

-(sucking)

-(register beeping)

(jazzy solo)

(tires screech)

-(tires screech)

-(horn honking)

(tires screech)

-Aah!

-(tires screech)

♪♪ (humming)

(grumbling)

Man! Rusty old hunk of junk!

(horn honking)

Howdy, Bart.

Hot enough for ya?

(grumbling continues)

Shut up, Flanders.

Hey, Dad, how come we can’t get

a decent mower, like the Flanders have?

Just be happy

with what you’ve got, son.

Don’t try to keep up with the Flanders'.

(groaning)

-(loud horn honking)

-Whoa!

(chuckling) How do you like my

new wheels, Simpson?

Oh, wow, man!

What an RV!

Bart! Uh, I suppose it has,

uh, various features.

Oh, it’s got everything–

microwave, dish washer,

big screen TV, deep fryer

and, oh, see up there on the roof?

-(gasps) A satellite dish!

-Yes, indeedly-doodly.

But, uh, how can you afford

something like this, Ned?

I get your mail once in a while,

and you make only $27 a week

more than I do.

Oh, it’s simple, Simpson.

Credit.

Ooh, credit!

Hmm! Mmm!

Oh! Ah!

Thank you, God.

(laughs)

(clears throat)

May I help you?

We’re just browsing.

Thank you.

I’d like to see your finest RV.

Do you have something that’s

better than the Land Behemoth?

Yes, we do. That would be

the Ultimate Behemoth.

-Where is it?

-You are standing in its presence.

-Behold!

-BART: Oh, wow!

Would you look at this thing?

Can you– Man built this. It’s a vehicle.

Does it have

its own satellite dish, sir?

You can tell your son

it has its own satellite.

The VanStar One, launched last February–

just for this thing, that’s all.

-Whoa, man!

-I’m not sure that we can afford–

-Does it have a deep fryer?

-It has four of them–

one for each part

of the chicken.

I don’t think

we can afford this, Homer.

Let’s worry about that later.

Come on. Let’s take a tour.

Want to? Come on!

-Ay, caramba.

-This is better than our house.

Wait till Flanders

gets a load of this.

(grumbles)

Seems so expensive.

-(foghorn blaring)

-Hey!

-How much is it?

-Oh. (chuckles)

You’re a man of your convict–

You just wanted to ask that

and blurted it out, didn’t ya?

-Yeah. How much is it?

-(sighs) Well,

first of all, I want you

to know I like your face.

-You do?

-I really do.

I’m not saying that. I mean it.

You got color in there.

-You’re not Roman, are you?

-No!

Look like a god, sort of.

Why don’t we step

into the credit office, Zeus?

(chuckles)

Hey, your dad’s gonna just go in here,

work it out and then

you’ll drive home in this!

(laughs) I’m not gonna quote you

a price till I check your credit rating.

And let me– I want to make

myself clear on this. This is a formality.

If you’re saying to me,

“Bob, is this guy good for it?”

I say, “Yes.” I don’t check this machine,

but I don’t own the place,

even though my name’s

up there.

Long story, but that

doesn’t matter.

I’m gonna have to run it

through the computer.

(siren wailing)

Is that a good siren?

Am I approved?

You ever known a siren

to be good? (chuckles)

No, Mr. Simpson, it’s not.

It’s a bad siren.

That’s the computer in case

I went blind, telling me,

“Sell the vehicle to this fella,

and you’re out of business.”

-That’s what the siren says.

-Oh.

Seems the Ultimate Behemoth

is a wee bit out of your price range.

And “wee bit”

is me bein’ polite.

You couldn’t afford this thing

if you lived to be a million.

Don’t you have something that

isn’t out of my price range?

I don’t wanna go away

empty-handed, Bob.

Take it easy there.

Don’t ruin this feeling

I’m gettin’ from ya.

Perhaps I can show you

something, uh…

(clears throat)

a little more you.

Well, what do you think?

-(all groaning)

-BART: You gotta be kidding me.

- Used, isn’t it?

- What’d you say?

Uh, is it used?

Mr. Simpson, you’re never

gonna own a better RV.

I don’t mean that in a good way.

I mean literally, buddy.

This is it for you, you know?

It’s this or a wagon.

Then… uh, how much

do you want for it?

This is yours. The price I’m quoting,

you’re not gonna hand it to someone else?

‘Cause I’m gonna give you a price for

you. Someone else, I’m doublin’ this.

-I swear it, Bob.

-This is you and me.

-Yeah.

-Two months from now,

your head’s in that window.

-On my honor.

-350 a month.

Oh, well, I don’t know.

Would it be all right

if I conferred with my family?

Mr. Simpson, if you have to talk it over

with those humans out there,

there’s something wrong

with all of us.

You look like a man

able to make a decision.

Alright I wasn’t be wasting

See that man over there?

-Yeah.

-He’s buying this. Did you know that?

-No.

-Called me, two men before you came in

said, “Save the little one.

I’m coming.” Here he is.

-Now you want it or not?

-All right, all right. I’ll take it!

Best decision you’ll ever–

You are gonna–

This is gonna change your life.

(muffler pops)

-(engine sputtering)

-(popping continues)

Hey, Flanders.

Look what I got.

(whistles) Oh, she’s a beaut!

Hey, congratulations!

I’m sure you’ll have

loads of fun.

(chuckles)

Jealous. Everybody ready?

I hate this.

I don’t wanna go.

That’s the spirit.

Ready or not, nature,

here we come!

(muffler popping)

(car horns honking)

BART: Turkey farm, skunks, slaughterhouse?

LISA: No, no, no.

-What are you doing back there?

-We’re playing, “What’s that odor?”

-Dad’s feet?

-Bart!

-You win, Bart.

-Lisa!

-Are we there yet, Dad?

-I’ll tell you when we get there.

Go back to your smell game.

(muffler pops)

MARGE:

Homer, I’m telling you.

-This is not the interstate.

-(scoffs) Maps.

Shouldn’t we stop somewhere

and ask for directions?

HOMER: Don’t worry.

This is an all-terrain vehicle.

My feet are getting wet!

Oh, come on.

We’re getting back to nature.

-Mom, I’m scared.

-We all are, dear.

Your father says there’s

nothing to worry about.

♪♪ (whistling)

♪♪ (whistling continues)

What do you think?

Should we stop here?

-ALL: Yes!

- All righty.

-Well, here we are.

-(all sigh)

(gasps)

(all screaming)

(screaming continues)

(quietly) Okay, nobody move

and nobody panic.

When I give the word,

everyone, ever so slowly,

open your door

and slide out.

On the count of three.

One–

(doors slamming)

-(RV crashes)

-(explosion)

The Simpsons

have entered the forest.

Well, ha, ha. Now we get

a chance to be real pioneers.

Yes, sir.

This is a real adventure.

Why, I bet there are people

who would trade everything they

have in the world for this.

-You mean, like we just did?

-(whimpering)

-Will somebody help her?

-Look, Maggie. Birdies.

(vultures croaking)

Oh, Homer,

what are we going to do?

Now don’t worry.

Our situation isn’t as bad

as it seems.

And you’re forgetting.

I’m an experienced woodsman.

Now you all stay here while I go over

this way and try to get my bearings.

What am I gonna do?

I’ve murdered us all!

I’ve murdered us all!

I’ve murdered us all!

-Shut up!

-(echoing) Shut up! Shut up!

-D-oh!

-(echoing) D-oh! D-oh!

(groaning)

-There. Finished.

-You are?

Well, it’s a quick job,

but it’s shelter.

-It is?

-Uh-huh.

Okay. We’ll be back with help

before you know it.

You girls just stay here

and relax.

Remember, the handle of the Big Dipper

points to the North Star.

(chuckles) That’s nice, Lisa, but

we’re not in astronomy class.

We’re in the woods.

(both groaning)

Should Maggie be going

with them, Mom?

I don’t think they’ll be gone

long, and she’s in good hands.

(vultures croaking)

There aren’t any dangerous animals

in the forest,

are there, Dad?

Well, might be a few,

but don’t worry about it.

If you leave them alone,

they’ll leave you alone.

-It’s a deal.

-And remember not to act afraid.

Animals can smell fear,

and they don’t like it.

-Besides, there’s nothing to be afraid of.

-Right.

-(sucks pacifier)

-(gasps) A rattler!

-I’m not afraid!

-Run, you fool!

(both screaming)

(both panting)

Through here, boy.

Back to civilization.

How do you know?

When you’re an experienced

woodsman like me,

you get a feel

for these things.

It becomes natural,

like a third sense.

(both grunting, screaming)

(screaming continues)

♪♪ (humming)

(squirrel chittering)

The boys certainly

are taking a long time.

I hope Maggie isn’t

slowing them up too much.

(growling)

(growling continues)

(coughing)

Bart! Where are you, Bart?

(gasps)

His lucky red hat.

Oh, dear God!

No! Bart!

(garbled)

Bart! Bart!

(coughing)

(panting)

(crying) Oh, Bart!

Oh, Bart, my beautiful son!

Why couldn’t You

have taken me?

Of all the fates

on heaven and earth,

why did this one befall me?

-(crying)

-BART: Don’t have a cow, Dad.

What the– D-oh!

You’re alive! And buck naked.

(chuckles)

I’m not the only one,

Home boy.

What? Oh!

(laughing)

Jungle man.

(yelling)

(laughs)

(all roar)

(growling in bear language)

The first thing you learn about

surviving in the woods, boy:

conceal your nakedness.

-Yeah, man.

-Okay. Slap a fern on there, boy.

And now with some mud.

There. Ooh!

That requires a little moss.

And some moss for me.

All right.

-We’re ready to hit the town.

-But, Dad, I am so hungry!

Can’t we eat somethin’ first?

I’m starvin’, man.

Ah, food.

Good thinking, son.

This young sapling

ought to do the trick.

-What are we gonna do, hang ourselves?

-No!

This is a trap. It’s gonna catch us

our dinner. Come on, boy.

Shh! Just watch.

Oooh!

A-ha! Got him!

-(rabbit thuds)

-Okay, okay.

This time I’ll just

go into the bushes over there,

make a lot of noise

and flush out a rabbit.

And when he comes out,

you step on him.

Right, Dad.

(Homer screaming)

Get ’em off me!

Get ’em off me!

Get ’em off me!

(Homer grunting, yelling)

Great camping trip, honey.

Traveled 800 miles,

haven’t even seen a squirrel yet.

Well, the ranger at the gate said

we should watch out for bears.

-Oh, bears! (laughs)

-Mm-hmm.

Right, right. Let me show you how

many bears there are around here.

Uh, hello, bears!

Um, come on.

Have a donut.

Oh, what the heck, have me!

Come and get it!

All right, all right.

You made your point.

(laughs)

Bears.

(owl hooting)

(both sighing)

-I hope Maggie and the boys are all right.

-Oh, I’m sure they’re just fine.

After all, we built a fire, and we

don’t know anything about nature.

Imagine what your father,

an experienced woodsman, has done.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Good night, Mom.

Good night, dear.

(teeth chattering)

G-G-Good n-n-night, D-D-Dad.

-(wolf howling)

-G-G-Good n-n-night, son.

Sleep tight.

-(howling continues)

-(chattering continues)

(snoring)

-(groaning) Are we there yet?

-No!

-Are we ever gonna be there?

-How would I know?

Quit asking pointless–

(gasps)

-Bart, look!

-(bees buzzing)

Honey. Honey!

-We’re saved!

-Uh, Homer. Bees?

(buzzing continues)

-How is it?

-Tangy.

(grunting)

-(shouting, indistinct)

-What?

-(shouting continues)

-Oh, water. That-a-way, man.

(yells)

(yells)

(shouting gibberish)

(yelling, shouting continue)

(gibberish continues)

Bigfoot. The legendary half-man half-ape

is no longer a legend.

He’s very, very real. What you’re

about to see is unedited video footage

taken earlier today

in the hills three miles

southwest of Tenderfoot Gorge.

(shouting gibberish)

Now, the naturalist who took these

absolutely extraordinary pictures

was most impressed

by the creature’s uncivilized look,

its foul language and, most of all,

its indescribable stench.

A popular supermarket tabloid

has offered a reward of $5,000

to anyone who brings in

the creature alive.

Naturally, we’ll have more on this

story as soon as it develops.

We now return you to the president’s

address already in progress.

(chattering)

It looks as if you girls have

been getting along all right,

but it’s a darn good thing

we found you when we did.

There’s something horrible

roaming these woods.

There is?

Why, that’s my husband!

His name isn’t Bigfoot.

His name is Homer.

-What does it eat?

-I don’t understand.

What’s this all about?

Well, I suppose pork chops

are his favorite.

-(chattering)

-(bears growling)

Get those bears out of here.

I’m trying to do an interview.

No bears!

We’re taping!

All bears off the set.

(growling)

Okay. Now let’s get back

to your, uh, husband.

How would you describe

your marital relations? Brutish?

-Is this going to be on TV?

-Coast to coast.

(groaning)

-Just a little further.

-Are we there?

-Just a little further.

-Are we there? Are we there?

(sniffs)

Food!

(sniffing continues)

(both gasp)

Nice grizzlies.

N-Nice grizzlies.

Nice grizzlies.

-What do we do, Dad?

-Praise the grizzlies, son.

TOGETHER:

Nice grizzlies.

-HOMER: That’s a good grizzly.

-(growling)

Oh. Oh.

(sucking pacifier)

(whimpering)

-TOGETHER: Huh?

-Maggie!

Oh, my little girl.

Nice grizzlies.

Nice grizzlies.

Later, grizzly dudes.

(sucking pacifier)

(crowd chattering)

Look! It’s him!

It’s Bigfoot!

-(chattering continues)

-Get in the car!

-Get him! Get him!

-Huh? (screams)

-We got him! We got Bigfoot!

-(grunting)

You are darn lucky we got here

in time to rescue you.

What the hell

are you talking about, sir?

-He’s getting away.

-After him!

We gotta take him alive.

You got that tranquilizer gun ready?

(shouting, chattering)

(shrieking)

Dad! Oh, Dad!

Avenge me, son.

Avenge my death.

(snoring)

Last week’s capture of Bigfoot turned into

the scientific poser of the century.

Although the creature

was ultimately released,

the question remains,

“Who was this Homer?”

Was it a man or was it,

in fact,

the legendary missing link

known as Bigfoot?

Could I have

some applesauce?

Specialists gathered at the

Springfield Primate Institute

for a firsthand examination

of the controversial creature.

They are now ready

to announce their findings.

-(chattering)

-Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

uh, distinguished colleagues,

after extensive biological

and anatomical testing,

I regret to announce that the evidence

we have is… inconclusive.

-(gasping)

-This thing may or may not be human.

-(chattering continues)

-That’s what he thinks.

I say it’s none other

than Bigfoot in the flesh.

(with French Accent)

Oh, no. I disagree. I think it is a man.

The eyes have the glimmer

of human intelligence.

Really. Glimmer in the eyes.

What about the sloping ape-like

forehead?

HOMER: Oh, the guys at work

are gonna have a field day with this.

Cheer up, Homer.

At least they let you go.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Fraulein, please.

(clears throat)

This much I believe

we can agree upon:

this specimen is either

a below-average human being…

or… a brilliant beast.

(scoffs)

Stupid egghead.

-(TV turns off)

-Oh, Homer.

My brilliant beast.

(moaning)

♪♪

-(mumbling)

-Shh!