♪ The Simpsons ♪

-(chalk screeches)

-(bell rings)

(work whistle blows)

-(sucking)

-(register beeping)

(jazzy solo)

(tires screech)

-(tires screech)

-(horn honking)

(tires screech)

-Aah!

-(tires screech)

You know, Bart,

when I was your age,

I pulled a few boners.

But I think you’ll find that people

are pretty decent

-if you give them half– (gasps)

-Look! There it is–

-The head!

-Kill him!

(both scream)

(both screaming)

They got us cornered, boy.

We’ll never get away.

Give me the head.

No, Dad. This whole thing

was my fault.

-You run along.

-Son, we’re in this mess together.

No matter how

tempting it might be,

I can’t let my only boy

get ripped limb from limb

by a bloodthirsty mob.

-Aw, Dad.

-We’ll die together,

like a father and son should.

Look.

Now we’ve got ’em.

-Hey, that’s Homer Simpson.

-And his kid, Bart.

-Let’s kill them!

-MAN: Bring ’em out!

-Off the kid, man. Off him!

-Kill Bart!

-Kill Homer!

-Let’s kill this guy!

Murderous mob,

I beg you

to spare our lives.

At least until you’ve heard

the story of how we ended up

with the head

of our beloved town founder.

How long will

this story take?

Uh, about 23 minutes

and 5 seconds.

-It’s too long!

-23:05?

Well, all right.

Go ahead.

Okay. It all started

Sunday morning.

Kids!

We’re late for church.

Get your butts

down here right now!

Ready for inspection, Mom.

Very nice, Maggie.

And, Lisa,

you look lovely.

Bart,

assume the position.

-Ohh!

-Bart.

Now where’s your father?

-ANNOUNCER: Phillips has broken free.

-Get ’em. Get ’em!

-The 50, the 40, the 30, the 20, the 10…

-Oh, no!

-MARGE: Homer!

-Doh!

A 64-yard run!

We’ve got an upset in the making!

No, we don’t. Try being objective

for once in– Oh?

-Let’s go, Homer.

-But you don’t understand, Marge.

I have 50 bucks

riding on this game.

Homer,

you promised me.

-This isn’t gambling, Marge.

-(play-by-play continues)

-It’s a lead-pipe cinch.

-Here’s the kickoff.

Wolodarsky takes it

at the five.

And oh, my. He fumbles!

-Oh, no!

-Another touchdown!

-Come on.

-(screaming)

Why should I feel

like a traffic cop

every Sunday morning?

I’m just trying to get

a little goodness

into the family.

-(changing radio stations)

-Where is the game? Where is it?

-Ahh!

-…got Wolodarsky open in the end zone.

-Catch it. Catch it.

-It’s complete. Touchdown!

-All right!

-(horn honks)

(horn honking)

Oh, Doctor, we got

a barn burner here.

This could be the most

remarkable comeback

since Lazarus

rose from the dead.

HOMER: Laza who?

Come on, everybody.

We’re late.

Bart, I want you

to promise me

you’ll pay attention

in Sunday school.

Bart. Bart?

-Bart!

-Whoa! Are you talking to me?

What’s this?

(gasps) A personal stereo.

Were you going to listen to rock music

in Sunday school?

Maybe. (screams)

Can you believe this,

Homer? Homer?

-Homer!

-No, no, no!

We stink. We stink.

…the 40, the 30,

the 20, the 10, touchdown!

Homer, were you planning

on sitting in the car

-till the game was over?

-Maybe.

It’s because of your

irreverent attitude

that Bart thinks he can sneak

headphones into Sunday school.

-Now move it!

-Now here’s the kickoff.

Wolodarsky takes it.

And, oh, my. He fumbles!

Will my dog Pepper

be there?

I’m sorry,

but the answer is no.

-Why not?

-Because heaven is for people.

What about my cat,

Snowball?

I’m sorry,

but the answer is no.

-Will there be cavemen in heaven?

-Certainly not.

Um, ma’am, what if you’re

a really good person,

but you’re in a really,

really bad fight,

and your leg gets gangrene,

and it has to be amputated,

will it be waiting

for you in heaven?

For the last time,

Bart, yes!

♪♪ (organ)

And now, I’d like to

begin today’s sermon,

which I have entitled,

“Gambling,

the Eighth Deadly Sin.”

Today is Sunday,

the Lord’s day,

and yet,

at this very moment,

millions of Americans

are not in the Lord’s house.

They’re in their own house

worshipping a false idol–

professional football.

Oh, Lord–

ANNOUNCER:

It’s a beautiful Sunday.

Perfect football weather

for this incredible game.

And by the way, this game

is being brought to you

by the good people

at Duff beer.

You can’t get enough

of that wonderful Duff.

ANNOUNCER: Now they’re lining up

for this crucial kick.

One final tick

of the clock remains.

If they win, it will cap

an amazing comeback.

But it’s a 49-yard field goal

into the wind.

-Make it! Make it! Make it! Make it!

-The kick is up.

Oh, please, please, please, please!

Holy Toledo, it’s good!

It’s good! It’s good!

It’s good!

(congregation murmurs)

It’s… good to see

you all in church.

-Please, be seated, Homer.

-Yeah, sit down, Homer.

The ventriloquist

goes to heaven,

but the dummy doesn’t.

-Oh, oh, oh! Me!

-Bart?

What about a robot

with a human brain?

I don’t know!

All these questions!

Is a little blind faith

too much to ask?

-(bell tolling)

-KIDS: Yea!

Don’t forget next week.

Remember to read– (sighs)

That was very nice,

Father.

I was pleased

you enjoyed it.

I seemed to have struck a chord

with you today, Homer.

What? Oh, yeah,

you were great.

-Homer.

-(grunts)

Homer, you embarrassed us

in front of the whole

congregation.

And today’s sermon was one

you should have really listened to.

-What was it about?

-Gambling.

Oh. He didn’t say that under

certain circumstances

it was all right, did he?

No! Look, I don’t want

to talk about this anymore

in front of the kids.

Lisa, Bart,

what did you two learn

in Sunday school today?

The answers to deep

theological questions.

Yeah. Among other things,

apes can’t get into heaven.

What? Those cute

little monkeys?

That’s terrible.

-Who told you that?

-Our teacher.

I can understand

how they wouldn’t let in

those wild jungle apes,

but what about those really

smart ones who live among us,

who roller-skate

and smoke cigars?

Oh, cool, man.

“Space Mutants 4.”

Drop me off!

Drop me off!

-No way, Jose.

-Marge, they’re only space mutants.

Uh-uh. I know what

those movies are like.

Killing innocent people,

eating human flesh.

You’ll just get

a lot of bad ideas.

Hey, Dad.

Can I have five bucks?

I hope you’re not planning

to see a certain movie

starring certain

space mutants

that a certain mother

didn’t want you to see. (chuckles)

(laughs)

Perish the thought.

Here you go, son.

Share the wealth.

That’s what I always say.

Ooh!

♪ Da da da da da– ♪♪

Whoa! Whoa!

Ooh, cowabunga!

-Hey, hot dog!

-What? (grunts)

-Nice dismount, man.

-(laughing)

Didn’t hurt.

Oh, yeah?

Well, do it again.

Nah. Might land on my face

and end up looking like you.

-(laughing)

-You little punk!

Hey, man, leave the kid alone.

I like him.

-You do?

-Yeah, you’re witty.

-So what’s your name, man?

-I’m Bart Simpson.

This here’s Kearny,

and I’m Jimbo.

You don’t need an introduction.

You’re the worst kid in school.

-Thanks.

-Psst. Coast is clear.

You guys

are sneakin’ in?

Yeah. Only saps

pay to see movies.

Hey, Bart, come on!

But sneaking into a movie is

practically stealing, man.

-“Practically”?

-It is stealing.

Well, okay.

I just wanted to make sure

we weren’t deluding ourselves.

(Bart grunts)

(moaning)

Wait! I think

I hear something.

Oh, come on.

Loosen up, babe.

BOY: There’s nobody here

but you and me.

GIRL: No. Stop it!

I think I hear something…

not human.

-(blows raspberries)

-(all laughing)

Let’s get romantic.

Well, okay.

(both screaming)

(both screaming)

You little sneaks,

you’re coming with me.

Next time you little

hoodlums try this,

-I’m calling your parents!

-Oh, yeah?

Well, we don’t wanna see

your crummy movie anyway.

Yeah. We’ll take

our business elsewhere.

You know, Bart.

I’ve been kicked out of

all four “Space Mutant” movies.

Wow, man.

Three jumbo

cherry squisheys,

and one double jumbo

original flavor, sir.

Okay.

Don’t you kids

take anything.

I’m watching you.

-(machine whirs)

-I’ve got eyes in the back of my head.

-Four fifty-two.

-Don’t worry, guys. It’s on me.

Share the wealth.

That’s what I always say.

(laughs)

Guys?

Guys?

Hey, guys. Where’d you get

all that great stuff?

Five-finger discount, man.

You ripped it off?

Yeah. Thanks for

covering for us, man.

(grunts)

(grunting)

Go on, Bart.

But that guy founded Springfield.

He built our first hospital

out of logs and mud.

If it weren’t for him,

all the settlers would have died

in the great blizzard of ‘48.

ALL: So?

So…

watch me hit him

right between the eyes.

(grunts)

Hey, what are you doing?

Show a little respect,

you insolent little thugs.

-Ooh.

-We’re really scared.

Hey! Hey, you!

Hey! Hey, you!

(slurping)

You know, when you

look up at clouds in the sky,

they start looking like stuff.

-No, they don’t.

-Yeah, they do.

Like that one over there

looks just like a cherry bomb.

Hey, you’re right.

And look at that one.

It looks like a guy

with a switchblade

stuck in his back.

JIMBO: Yeah, that one

looks like a school bus

going over a cliff

in flames

with kids inside screaming.

That one looks just like

the statue of our town founder,

Jebediah Springfield.

-Does not.

-Does too.

I mean, without the head,

of course.

Oh, yeah.

I wish someone really would

cut his ugly old head off.

-You do?

-Yeah, that’d be cool.

Sure would cheese

everybody off.

But, guys, come on.

Don’t you remember history class?

Jebediah once killed

a bear with his bare hands.

Oh, sorry.

We forgot how much you love

Jebediah Springfield.

-Yeah, he’s your boyfriend.

-Yeah!

-Come on, guys. Knock it off.

-Beat it, Simpson.

Man, I thought

you were cool.

(all laughing)

JIMBO’S VOICE:

Beat it, Simpson.

Man, I thought

you were cool.

Aha!

Wow! Look at these

bowling balls, Maggie.

Can you think of a better

way for Daddy to spend

his hard-won 50 bucks?

(gasps)

Now I’ve seen everything.

Black marbleized

with a liquid center.

“The Stealth Bowler:

The pins don’t know

what hit them.”

Dad, can I talk to you

about something?

Sure, boy.

What’s on your mind?

Well, I was wondering.

How important is it

to be popular?

I’m glad you asked, son.

Being popular is the most

important thing in the world.

So, like, sometimes

you could do stuff

that you think is pretty bad

so other kids

will like you better?

You’re not talking killing anyone,

are you?

-No.

-Are you?

-No!

-Then run along,

you little scamp.

A boy without mischief

is like a bowling ball

without a liquid center.

(ringing)

(snoring)

(door squeaking)

(meows)

(meows)

(metal scraping)

(metallic clank)

BART: What have I done?

(yawns)

(screams)

MARGE:

Bart, are you all right?

Uh, yeah.

Top of the world, Ma.

MARGE: Well, then,

come down for breakfast.

-♪♪ (Radio)

-Ooh! Look at this one.

“The Hammer of Thor:

It will send your pins to…

Val-halla.” Lisa?

Valhalla is where Vikings

go when they die.

Oh.

That’s some ball.

Good morning,

everybody.

(clanks)

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt

“Mambo in the Morning”

to bring you this

special news bulletin.

The statue

of Jebediah Springfield,

our illustrious

town founder,

-was brutally decapitated last night…

-(all gasp)

…in an act of senseless vandalism.

We now go to Police Chief Wiggum

at City Hall.

(Wiggum clears throat)

Well, we have no witnesses,

no suspects, and no leads.

If anyone has any information,

please dial “O”

and ask for the police.

That number again, “O.”

ANNOUNCER:

Stay tuned to this station

for further developments

as they break. (sobbing)

-It’s just a statue.

-It’s a statue of

the trailblazing founder

of our town.

It’s a symbol

of what we can all do

if we put our minds to it.

HOMER: Just a statue?

Is the Statue of Liberty

just a statue?

Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza

just a statue?

-(horn honks)

-Uh-oh. School bus.

Come on, Lis.

School bus.

Go on, Lisa.

We’ve all got to be brave,

just like Jebediah

-when he killed that bear.

-It’s so awful.

Okay, come on,

come on, everybody.

We gotta get on

with our lives.

Let’s try and put

this tragedy behind us.

You’re right, Moe.

A beer, please, and make sure

there’s a head on it.

(sobbing)

ABE: I said it before,

and I’ll say it again,

“Hell in a handbasket!”

I hope they find

the punk who did this,

and I hope

they cut his head off.

ALL: Yeah!

Hi, guys.

What’s up?

We were saying we’d love

to meet the guy

who cut off

the head of that statue.

Yeah, we wish he were

here right now. (metal clanks)

Oh, really?

Yeah, we’d break every bone

in his stupid little body.

Yeah, that’s right, man.

-Limb by limb.

-ALL: Yeah!

What? But-But yesterday,

didn’t you say

it would be cool

to cut off the head,

and really cheese

everybody off?

Yeah, that was

just cloud talk, man.

Yeah. I mean, throwing rocks

is one thing,

but I would never cut

the head off of a guy

who iced a bear

with his bare hands.

-So what’s in the bag, Bart?

-JEBEDIAH: My head.

-(gasps)

-I said, what’s in the bag, Bart?

JEBEDIAH:

Go ahead, Bart. Tell them.

It’s the head of

Jebediah Springfield.

I gotta go!

JEBEDIAH:

Look what you’ve done.

You wanted to be popular.

Now you’re the most

hated boy in town.

You’re not really

talking to me.

You’re just my

overactive imagination.

-JEBEDIAH: Oh, I am, am I?

-Shut up.

I wanted them to like me.

Hmm.

The child seems rattled.

-Can you blame him?

-No. No, I can’t.

(sobbing)

There, there, Mr. Burns.

Blow, sir.

(blowing nose)

Hey, Bart,

where are you going?

-Uh, to my room.

-Why don’t you watch Krusty the Clown?

There’s someone

out there in Krustyland

who has committed

an atrocity.

If you know who cut off

Jebediah’s head–

I don’t care if it’s

your brother, your sister,

your daddy or your mommy–

turn them in,

and Krusty will send you

a free slide whistle

just like Sideshow Bob’s.

♪♪ (whistling)

-(grunts)

-Wait a minute.

I hope you’re not planning to do

what I think you’re doing.

Sorry, man.

It’s either you or me.

You know, Bart,

you don’t have to found a town

to be a hero.

Sometimes a hero

could be a young boy

with the courage to stand up

and admit he’s made a mistake.

Yeah, well, I’m running

a little short on courage right now.

Aah!

Anyway, think about it,

will you, son?

(Bart groans)

REPORTER: Jebediah Obediah

Zachariah Jedediah Springfield

came West in 1838.

Along the way,

he met a ferocious bear

and killed him

with his bare hands.

That’s “B-A-R-E” hands.

Although modern historians

recently uncovered evidence

that the bear, in fact,

probably killed him.

-But whether bear killed man–

-Mom. Dad.

(gasping)

-I knew it all along!

-Why, Bart? Why?

Yeah, why?

You little–

Because I wanted some

really bad kids to like me.

Somehow I got the idea

that being popular

was the most important

thing in the world.

Where did you get

a ridiculous idea like that?

Uh–

Lay off

the boy, Marge.

He’s a good kid.

Quit giving him

the third degree.

Homer, did you have

something to do with this?

Well, maybe I am

a little responsible.

-A little?

-Come on, son.

Let’s take the head thing

back to the authorities.

You know, Bart,

when I was your age,

I pulled a few boners.

But I think you’ll find that

people are pretty decent

-if you give them half– (gasps)

-Look! There it is–

-The head!

-Kill ’em!

-(both screaming)

-(clamoring)

-BARNEY: All right. All right.

-All right, already.

-KRUSTY: We know this part.

-BART: Oh, yeah, right.

Well, that’s my story.

And if you still

wanna tear apart

this young

Sunday school student

as he stands on the brink

of salvation,

-I await your wrath.

-ALL: Aw!

Somehow I don’t feel

like killing anymore.

Neither do I.

BART: Dad.

(thinking)

Forgive me, sir.

JEBEDIAH:

No problem, Bart.

Look! It’s glorious.

It’s beautiful, man.

I love you, Smithers.

The feeling is more

than mutual, sir.

(cheering, applause)

Whoo!

Good going, son.

But remember–

Most lynch mobs aren’t this nice.

♪♪

-(mumbling

-Shh!