♪ The Simpsons ♪

-(chalk screeches)

-(bell rings)

(work whistle blows)

-(sucking)

-(register beeping)

(jazzy solo)

(tires screech)

-(tires screech)

-(horn honking)

(tires screech)

-Aah!

-(tires screech)

♪♪

-(cheering)

-Hey, kids!

Who do you love?

-ALL: Krusty!

-How much do you love me?

With all our hearts!

What would you do

if I went off the air?

We’d kill ourselves!

(laughing)

What’s that, Sideshow Bob?

This is Brittany

and today’s her birthday?

Well, happy birthday,

Brittany!

How do you want to celebrate?

Do you want me to sing you

a birthday song?

Or do you want me to shoot

Sideshow Bob out of a cannon?

(laughs)

(chanting)

The cannon. The cannon.

-The cannon. The cannon.

-The cannon.

-(cheering)

-Sorry, Sideshow Bob,

but it’s her special birthday wish!

(chuckles)

(laughs)

You’re doomed, Sideshow Bob.

I know we haven’t had much luck

shooting you out of this cannon,

but maybe that’s because

we haven’t used enough…

-gunpowder!

-(cheering)

Brittany,

do the honors.

(cheering)

Don’t blame me.

I didn’t do it.

(laughing)

Comedy, thy name is Krusty.

Hey, kids, it’s time

for Itchy and Scratchy!

♪ They fight, they bite

They bite and fight and bite ♪

♪ Fight, fight, fight

Bite, bite, bite ♪

♪The Itchy and Scratchy Show♪

(screeching)

Oh, my!

All this senseless violence.

-I don’t understand it’s appeal.

-We don’t expect you to, Mom.

If cartoons were meant for adults,

they’d put them on in prime time.

-(beeping)

-Y’ello.

Hello, Homie. I was hoping

you could pick up…

a half-gallon of premium ice cream

on your way home from work.

Ooh, premium–

Wait a minute. Why?

Patty and Selma are coming over

to show us

slides from their trip to the Yucatán.

-Doh!

-(doorbell rings)

-PATTY, SELMA: Anybody home?

-Ooh, I’ve got to go, Homer.

My sisters are here.

Oh, eight carousels!

-We’re in for a real treat.

-(both groan)

(bell rings)

Hello, steady customer.

How are you this evening, sir?

-How ya doin’, Apu?

-(oven dings)

Mmm, chocolate.

Ooh, double chocolate.

(gasps) New flavor–

triple chocolate!

Perhaps a little something

for the trip back to the cash register.

-(snickering)

-What’s the matter, sir?

Never have I seen you look

so unhappy while purchasing

such a large quantity of ice cream.

The reason I look unhappy

is that tonight…

I have to see a slide show

starring my wife’s sisters.

Or as I call ’em,

the Gruesome Twosome.

(laughing)

-Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid, clumsy–

-Sorry, pal.

(gasps, screams)

Hand over all your money

in a paper bag.

Yes, yes. I know the procedure

for armed robbery.

I do work in a convenience store,

you know.

-(doors closing)

-You can emerge now from my chips.

The opportunity to prove yourself a hero

is long gone.

(relieved sigh)

-This is our tour group.

-Mm-hmm.

This is a Mexican delicacy called

a taco platter. Mmm, delicious.

-This is Selma taking a siesta.

-“Ay, caramba!”

And he had a big nose.

No, bigger. And big red hair

that came out to–

Yeah, yeah, like that!

Well, it is a simple,

charcoal rendering, but, uh,

-is this the man?

-Yeah! Wait a minute.

(gasps)

It’s the guy from TV!

My kid’s hero, Cruddy, Crummy–

Krusty the Clown!

♪♪ (scatting)

(sniffs)

Ahh.

(sighs)

(sighs)

-(loud banging)

-(gasps)

(screams)

Hey, hey,

what’s goin’ on here?

Krusty the Clown, you’re under

arrest for armed robbery.

You have the right to remain

silent. Anything you say–

-Blah, blah, blah, blah.

-What is this, a joke?

-Ready, Mr. Simpson?-

-Yes, sir.

-Send in the clowns.

-(footsteps squeaking)

(Homer laughing)

So, Simpson, which one is it?

(giggling, laughing)

Well, if the crime is making me laugh,

they’re all guilty!

-No, no! Which one is the robber?

-Oh, definitely number…

-(wheezing laugh)

-Simpson.

-Simpson!

-Four.

-(snoring)

-And this is all the mail

that waited us upon our return.

And this is Selma…

dropping off our vacation film

to be developed.

Thus concludes

our Mexican odyssey.

Hmm. Very thorough.

-HOMER: I’m home, everybody!

-(all gasping)

-Oh, goody gumdrops.

-You missed the whole slide show, Homer.

Oh, fantastic.

Marge, you’re never gonna

believe what happened.

I was down at the Kwik-E-Mart

minding my own business when–

Ooh, ooh, ooh, the news!

♪♪ (news theme)

MAN:

Springfield’s number one news team…

with our Emmy Award-winning

anchorman Kent Brockman,

Good evening, I’m Scott Christian.

Kent Brockman is off tonight.

Why did the clown cross the road?

To rob a Kwik-E-Mart.

The news story behind

that enigmatic half-joke

right after this commercial message.

Wait a minute. Bart, you know

that guy on your lunch box?

Oh, you mean Krusty the Clown?

-He’s sort of a hero of yours, isn’t he?

-Are you kidding?

He’s my idol. I’ve based

my whole life on Krusty’s teachings.

-Maybe you’d better run to bed.

-Krusty the Clown is behind bars…

after a daring twilight robbery

of a local Kwik-E-Mart.

-Krusty!

-Oh, no!

-(groans)

-Earlier this evening,

the Springfield SWAT team

apprehended the TV clown,

who appears on a rival station

opposite our own

Emmy Award-winning Hobo Hank.

And just in,

actual footage of the crime

taken with the Kwik-E-Mart

security camera.

The reason I look unhappy

is that tonight I have to see

a slide show starring

my wife’s sisters.

Or as I call ’em,

the Gruesome Twosome.

(laughs)

-Oh, Homer.

-So, the truth comes out.

Hand over all your money

-in a paper bag.

-Oh, Krusty, how could you?

I know it looks very bad, honey.

Who knows,

maybe it’ll turn out

he was innocent all along.

Earth to Marge.

Earth to Marge.

I was there.

The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.

♪♪

-You’re my best friend.

-Thanks, Krusty.

Buy my cereal.

(laughs)

Buy my cereal.

(laughs)

I didn’t do it!

Oh, I wish

I could believe you.

♪♪

Good evening, again, Springfield.

Krusty the Clown,

the beloved idol

of countless tots,

now nothing more than

a common, alleged criminal.

His trial,

which begins tomorrow,

has taken center ring

in a national media circus

as children of all ages

from eight to 80

hang on each new development

like so many Romanian trapeze artists.

From his humble beginnings as

a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi,

Krusty clowned his way

to the top of a personal mini-empire

with dozens of endorsements,

including his own line of pork products.

This may have led to one of television’s

best-loved bloopers–

Krusty’s near-fatal,

on-the-air heart attack in 1986.

-(kids cheering)

-Wasn’t that a great

Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids?

Well, we’ve got

another one coming right up.

But first,

I’ve got a hankerin'

for some pork products.

Mmm. Look.

Plump succulent sausage, honey-smoked

bacon and glistening, sizzling–

(gasping)

-(laughing)

-(groaning)

I’m dying.

I’m dying.

(chuckling)

But a quick triple bypass

and a pacemaker later,

Krusty bounced back.

However,

he was a changed clown.

Where his show had been

condemned by parents and educators alike

as simpleminded TV mayhem,

this new Krusty devoted

a small portion of every show

to stamping out illiteracy in today’s

anything-for-a-thrill youth.

Give a hoot.

Read a book.

Krusty’s arrest

has sent shock waves

through Springfield,

packing its churches,

synagogues and mosques

with disillusioned citizenry

from all walks of life.

I urge every halfway decent

member of our community

to gather up all merchandise

that bears the likeness of Krusty,

that clown prince of corruption,

and join me

in a public burning!

So, is Krusty the Clown about

to trade in his baggy pants

for the relatively snug uniform

of Springfield Penitentiary?

We’ll find out tomorrow

when his trial begins.

-(camera shutters clicking)

-(reporters clamoring)

-Uh, what kind of gun did you use?

-Did you use an accomplice?

Will you

plead insanity?

Look at him.

His clothes are so drab.

His face

is so flesh-colored and sad.

And his feet,

they’re so small.

Say it ain’t so, Krusty.

(clears throat) My client has

no comment at this time.

-I didn’t do it.

-(onlookers laughing)

-Krusty the Clown, how do you plead?

-I plead guilty, Your Honor.

(people gasp)

-(whispering)

-Oh. (laughs)

I mean, not guilty.

Opening night jitters, Your Honor.

I would like to call to the stand,

Homer J. Simpson.

Don’t do it, Dad.

Please don’t do it.

Sorry, son.

You’ll understand one day.

He’s innocent, I tell you.

Krusty would never do something like that.

Oh, come on, Dad.

You got to listen to me.

(grunts)

Sorry, pal.

(gasps, screams)

-(laughing)

-Doh!

Mr. Simpson, was that you

taking that cowardly dive

into that display of

heavily-salted snack treats?

Yes, sir.

Do you recognize the gunman

in this courtroom today?

-Yes, I do.

-Fine. Would you point him out to us?

Okay.

♪♪

-Aaah!

-(people gasp)

Oh, man.

Let the record show that

the witness… eventually…

pointed to…

Krusty the Clown.

-These toys are just adorable.

-(pops)

Who’d have guessed they were inspired

by an insane criminal genius.

But, Dad, you’re giving in

to mob mentality.

No, I’m not! I’m hopping

on the bandwagon.

Now, come on, son.

Get with the winning team.

(door slams)

Hey, right here! Krusty souvenirs!

Buy ’em and burn ’em!

Good people, I’m so happy

you’re all here tonight.

But please,

just a few words of caution.

Now, we are going to set

this pile of evil ablaze,

but because these are children’s toys,

the fire will spread quickly.

So, please stand back, and try

not to inhale the toxic fumes.

(crowd gasps)

Ooh!

Krusty, would you please turn

your attention to Exhibit B.

-Uh–

-Tell me what you see.

Uh, uh–

Which one do you mean?

The one with the big “B” on it.

-Uh, uh, uh–

-What’s the matter? Can’t you read?

No, I can’t!

I can’t read or write! I admit it!

I’m totally illiterate. Now are you happy?

(all gasping)

Can it be that the champion of

child literacy can’t even read himself?

Is it a crime to be illiterate?

All right, all right. See this, Krusty?

This is a B.

And this is Exhibit B.

Betting slips– obtained by this

court indicating you have lost

substantial sums of money

on sports gambling.

Is it a crime to bet

on sporting events?

-Yes, it is!

-Oh.

-Foreperson, have you reached a verdict?

-Yes, we have, Your Honor.

We find the defendant,

Krusty the Clown…

-guilty.

-(all gasping)

Aah! I knew it!

This happens to me every time.

♪♪ (TV playing)

My young friends,

for years I have been silent

save for the crude glissandos of this

primitive wind instrument.

But now, destiny has thrust

me into the center ring.

In the coming weeks, you will notice some

rather sweeping changes in our program.

Please do not be alarmed.

Itchy and Scratchy

will still have a home here.

But we will also learn about nutrition,

self-esteem, etiquette

-and all the lively arts.

-What the hell are you doing, Lis?

I’m watching Sideshow Bob. He’s a lot

less patronizing than Krusty used to be.

-You backstabber, you traitor, you–

-Snap out of it, Bart!

Face the facts. All those hours

we spent staring at Krusty,

we were staring at a crook.

Look, Lisa.

I know Krusty’s innocent.

Don’t ask me why.

It’s just a feeling I have.

-Oh, Bart.

-Come on, Lisa.

I think I can prove Krusty’s innocent,

but I need your help.

-You do? Why?

-Oh, come on, Lis. You know why.

-No, why?

-I’ll never forgive you

for making me say this.

-You’re smarter than me.

-(satisfied chuckle)

-So, you with me?

-Yeah, man.

-(doorbell chimes)

-Oh, oh. Okay, okay.

Don’t try anything funny.

I’m armed to the teeth.

Bart, look, over here

on the microwave.

So, I don’t have a pacemaker.

Come on, Bart. The tape showed

that the robber heated up a burrito.

-So?

-Don’t you remember

the get-well card we sent to Krusty?

It was after his heart attack

-when he had a pacemaker put in.

-Aha!

Wait a minute.

Krusty can’t read.

Okay! Okay! So the poor guy can’t read.

Can’t we get off his back, already?

No!

Don’t you get it, Bart?

How could Krusty have been reading

a magazine if he can’t read?

Hey, hey.

This is not a lending library!

If you’re not going to buy that thing,

put it down, or I’ll blow your heads off!

Bart, I’m starting to think you’re right.

Krusty was framed!

-Did he have any enemies?

-I don’t know.

But I know someone who would–

Krusty’s best friend in

the whole world, Sideshow Bob!

“A volley of musketry

flamed, thundered, roared.

“A profound silence followed,

“broken only

by the approaching footsteps…

-of the Third Brigade.”

-(disappointed groans)

Next week, chapter 35

of The Man in the Iron Mask:

“The Death of a Titan.”

♪♪ (piano)

Well, kids,

that’s our show for today.

And now, in the words

of Mr. Cole Porter.

♪ Every time we say good-bye ♪

♪ I die a little ♪

♪ Every time we say good-bye ♪

♪ I wonder why a little ♪

♪ Every time we say ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

Good-bye.

Great show, Sideshow. Switchboards

were jammed. The kids loved it.

Thanks, Ed. I’m glad we’ve

finally dispelled the myth

that I’m too uptown

for the tots.

And yet, I can’t help

thinking about poor Krusty.

(weeping)

(sobbing)

(sinister laughter)

-We see your face on key chains.

-And water-action pens.

-And snow domes.

-This is all very exciting,

but I think we’d do well to explore

the more upscale market.

For instance, Sideshow Bob

limited-edition prints,

-collector’s plates, commemorative coins.

-Ah. Ah.

Some kids are here

to see you, Sideshow Bob.

They say it’s important.

Ah, well, we can sign

these contracts tomorrow.

Certainly. I take great pride

in being able to sign my own name.

-(all laughing)

-That’s a good one. I gotta tell the wife.

-Hi, Sideshow Bob.

-Sideshow Bob, can we ask you a few–

Forgive me, chilfren.

As much as

Sideshow Bob would love to chat,

he has a show starting

in moments.

Here you go– three tickets.

Be my guests.

-Uh, okay. But–

-Come, come. Let’s run along.

♪♪ (theme)

-(cheering)

-Hello, children.

-Whom do you love?

-Sideshow Bob!

Come on, Bart.

Go with the flow.

-How much do you love me?

-With all our hearts!

About a zillionth

as much as I love Krusty.

Today’s show promises to be a

marvelous celebration of the human spirit.

But first, I regret to say

I see a youngster who looks troubled.

-What’s your name, young man?

-Bart Simpson, sir.

Hmm. Well, perhaps we can

shed some light

on your problem in a new segment

exploring preadolescent turmoil.

-I call it “Choices.”

-I don’t think so, sir.

Bart, I’m reaching out to you.

(grunts)

So, what’s on your mind, Bart?

I bet the other children

don’t accept you.

True, Sideshow Bob.

But that doesn’t bother me.

You see, my sisters and I

have been doing

a little investigating,

and it looks to us

like Krusty was framed.

-Framed?

-Well, the videotape showed

that the thief used the microwave oven

at the Kwik-E-Mart.

But Krusty couldn’t go near the thing,

not with his pacemaker.

Well, you know, Bart.

As much as I love Krusty,

he was never one to take

doctor’s orders too seriously.

Well, maybe, but get this.

Krusty was illiterate,

and the guy who robbed the store

was reading “The Springfield

Review of Books.”

Ah, well, Bart.

The fact is, you don’t have

to be able to read to enjoy

“The Springfield

Review of Books.”

Just look at these amusing caricatures

of Gore Vidal and Susan Sontag.

(chuckles)

Yeah, I guess those are kind of funny.

Bart, children, this whole sordid affair

has been a shock to all of us.

But we must get on

with our lives.

Let’s try to remember Krusty,

not as a hardened criminal,

but as that lovable jester who honked

his horn and puttered around

in his little car.

-And shot you out of a cannon.

-And shot me out of a cannon.

Yes, we will never

forget that, will we?

Bart, open you heart. I admit

I have some mighty big shoes to fill.

(echoing in Bart’s mind)

Big shoes to fill.

Big shoes to fill.

Big shoes to fill.

Big shoes to fill.

Big shoes to fill.

Big shoes to fill–

In ancient Greece, there was

a school of thought called stoicism.

-Wait a minute! You did it!

-(children gasp)

-Excuse me?

-Attention, fellow children!

Krusty didn’t rob that store!

Sideshow Bob framed him,

and I got proof!

Ow! My foot!

You lousy, stupid, clumsy–

-(all gasping)

-See that? Krusty wore big floppy shoes,

but he’s got little feet

like all good-hearted people!

-(screams)

-Sideshow Bob really fills his shoes

with big ugly feet.

-Kid’s right.

-How do you figure we missed that?

Get off your duffs, boys.

Get down to that studio!

Yes, I admit it.

I hated him!

His hackneyed shenanigans

robbed me of my dignity for years.

I played the buffoon while he squandered

a fortune on his vulgar appetites.

-That’s why I framed Krusty!

-(onlookers gasp)

And I would have gotten away with it

too if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

-Take him away, boys.

-(crowd cheers)

Treat kids as equals!

They’re people too!

They’re smarter than you think.

They were smart enough

to catch me!

(siren wailing)

(Krusty’s shoes squeaking)

Well, we… made…

a terrible, terrible mistake.

Uh, it won’t happen again.

-It better not, you dimwit!

-Krusty,

I’m man enough to admit I was wrong,

and I’m sorry I fingered you in court.

I sincerely hope that

the horrible stories I heard

about what goes on

in prison are exaggerated.

Well, the important thing is that

I regain the trust of the children.

But there was one boy who

trusted me all along. Bart?

-Yes, sir?

-Thank you.

(sighs)

♪♪

-(mumbling)

-Shh.