♪♪
MARGE:
Ooh! Careful, Homer!
HOMER:
There’s no time to be careful. We’re late.
(tires screeching)
CHILDREN:
♪ O little town of Bethlehem ♪
♪ How still we see thee lie ♪
MARGE (whispering):
Sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me.
-Sorry. Excuse me.
-Hey, Norman, how’s it goin’?
So you got dragged down here
too, huh?
-How you doin’, Fred?
-Sorry. Excuse me.
-Yeah. ‘Scuse me. Oh!
-(yelps)
Pardon my galoshes.
(laughs)
♪ Are met in thee tonight ♪
(applause)
(laughs)
Wasn’t that wonderful?
And now
“Santas of Many Lands,”
as presented by the entire
second grade class.
Oh! Lisa’s class.
Frohliche Weihnachten.
That’s German for
“Merry Christmas.”
In Germany,
Santa’s servant Ruprecht
gives presents
to good children,
and whipping rods
to the parents of bad ones.
(applause)
Merry Kurisumasu.
I am Hotseiosha,
a Japanese priest
who acts like Santa Claus.
I have eyes
in the back of my head,
so children better behave
when I’m nearby.
(audience gasps)
Now presenting
Lisa Simpson
as Tawanga, the Santa Claus
of the South Seas.
HOMER: Ooh, it’s Lisa!
That’s ours.
(drums beating,
natives chanting)
(applause)
Ah, the fourth grade
will now favor us
with a melody–
Uh, medley
of holiday “flavorites.”
♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
♪ In a one-horse
open sleigh ♪
♪ O’er the fields we go ♪
♪ Laughing all the way,
ha ha ha ♪
♪ Bells on bobtail ring ♪
-♪♪ (continues)
-Isn’t Bart sweet, Homer?
He sings like an angel.
♪ Oh, Jingle bells,
Batman smells ♪
♪ Robin laid an egg ♪
♪ The Batmobile
broke its wheel ♪
♪ The Joker got awa–♪
(screams)
♪ Jingle bells
Jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all… ♪
SKINNER (clears throat):
The fifth grade will now favor us
with a scene from
Charles… Dickens’
“A Christmas Carol.”
(groans) How many grades
does this school have?
MARGE’S VOICE:
“Dear friends of the Simpson family,
“We had some sadness and
some gladness this year.
“First, the sadness.
Our little cat Snowball
“was unexpectedly run over
and went to kitty heaven.
“But we bought a new little cat,
Snowball II.
-(meow)
-“So I guess life goes on.
“Speaking of life going on,
“Grandpa is still with us,
feisty as ever.
“Maggie is walking
by herself,
“Lisa got straight A’s,
and Bart–
“Well, we love Bart.
“The magic of the season
has touched us all.
Marge, haven’t you finished
that stupid letter yet?
-“Homer sends his love. Happy holidays.
-Marge!
-The Simpsons.”
-Marge, where’s the extension cord?
For heaven’s sake, Homer.
It’s in the utility drawer.
Sorry.
I’m just a big kid.
And I love Christmas
so much.
D’oh!
(grumbles)
All right, children,
let me have those letters.
I’ll send them to Santa’s workshop
at the North Pole.
Oh, please. There’s only one fat guy
that brings us presents,
and his name
ain’t Santa.
Uh– A pony?
Oh, Lisa, you’ve asked for that
for the last three years,
and I keep telling you
Santa can’t fit a pony
into his sleigh.
Can’t you take a hint?
But I really want a pony,
and I’ve been really,
really good this year.
Oh, dear. Maybe Bart is
a little more realistic.
-A tattoo?
-A what?
Yeah! They’re cool,
and they last the rest of your life.
You will not be getting
a tattoo for Christmas.
Yeah. If you want one,
you’ll have to pay for it
out of your own allowance.
-All right!
-Homer!
-(phone ringing)
-“Yello.”
-PATTY: Marge, please.
-Who’s this?
May I please speak to Marge?
-This is her sister, isn’t it?
-Is Marge there?
-Who shall I say is calling?
-Marge, please.
-It’s your sister.
-Oh!
-Hello.
-Hello, Marge. It’s Patty.
Selma and I couldn’t be
more excited
about seeing our baby sister
for Christmas Eve.
Well, Homer and I
are looking forward
to your visit too.
(gagging)
Somehow I doubt
that Homer is excited.
Of all the men
you could’ve married,
I don’t know why you picked one
who’s always so rude to us.
-(screams)
-Good one, Dad. (applauds)
Okay, kids,
prepare to be dazzled.
Marge, turn on the juice!
(electricity crackling)
-(pop)
-What do you think, kids?
-Nice try, Dad.
-(groans)
FLANDERS: Just hold
your horses, son. Hey, Simpson!
What is it, Flanders?
Do you think
this looks okay?
Ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho.
-Oh!
-Oh, neato!
It’s too bright.
I oughta– Flanders.
What a big show-off.
-Kids, you wanna go Christmas shopping?
-I do!
-All right! The mall!
-Go get your money.
Tell us, Marge.
Where have you been hiding
the Christmas money?
Oh, I have my secrets.
Turn around.
(jingling)
You can look now.
Ooh! Big jar this year.
(horns honking,
tires screeching)
(train whistle)
♪♪ (Christmas Muzak)
Oh, Bart,
that’s so sweet.
It’s the best present
a mother could get,
and it makes you look
so dangerous.
-(doorbell jingling)
-One “Mother,” please.
Wait a minute.
How old are you?
-Twenty-one, sir.
-Get in the chair.
♪♪ (Christmas Muzak)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-(beeping)
SMITHERS: Attention,
all personnel, please keep working
during the following announcement.
And now our boss
and friend Mr. Burns.
MR. BURNS: Hello.
I’m proud to announce
that we’ve been able
to increase safety here at the plant
without increasing the cost
to the consumer
or affecting management
pay raises.
However, for you
semi-skilled workers,
there will be
no Christmas bonuses.
(all grumbling)
Oh, and one more thing.
Merry Christmas!
-(mumbling)
-Oh, thank God for the big jar.
-Where’s that Bart?
-(Bart screams)
-(drill whirring)
-(doorbell jingling)
(gasps)
But, Mom,
I thought you’d like it.
Yes, Mrs. Simpson,
we can remove your son’s tattoo.
It’s a simple routine
involving lasers.
-Cool!
-However, it is rather expensive,
and we must insist
on a cash payment up front.
-Cash?
-Mm-hmm.
Thank God for
Homer’s Christmas bonus.
Ay, caramba!
Now, whatever you do,
boy, don’t squirm.
You don’t wanna get this sucker
near your eye or your groin.
-(gunshots on TV)
-Ow! Quit it.
Ow! Quit it.
Ow! Quit it.
-Ow! Quit it.
-Hey, what’s with this?
Ow! Quit it!
Used to be
a real boss tattoo.
But Mom had to spend
all the Christmas money
having it surgically removed.
Huh?
(gasps)
It’s true!
The jar is empty!
Oh, my God!
We’re ruined.
Christmas is canceled.
No presents for anyone!
Don’t worry, Homer.
We’ll just have to stretch
your Christmas bonus
-even further this year.
-(gasps)
-Homer?
-Oh, yeah.
My Christmas bonus.
(chuckles)
How silly of me.
This’ll be the best
Christmas yet.
The best any family
ever had.
(laughs)
Ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho.
Hmm. I get the feeling
there’s something you
haven’t told me, Homer.
Huh? Oh. I love you, Marge.
You tell me that
all the time.
Oh, good,
because I do love you.
I don’t deserve you as much
as a guy with a fat wallet
and a credit card that won’t
set off that horrible beeping.
I think it does have
something to do with
your Christmas bonus.
I keep asking for it,
but–
Marge, um,
let me be honest with you.
Yes?
Well, I would–
I wanna do the Christmas
shopping this year.
Uh, sure, okay.
HOMER: Marge, Marge.
Hmm. Let’s see.
Ooh, look!
Pantyhose.
Practical and alluring.
A six-pack.
Oh! Only 4.99.
Ooh! Pads of paper.
I bet Bart can think of
a million things to do
with these.
That just leaves
little Maggie.
Oh, look!
A little squeak toy.
It says it’s for dogs,
but she can’t read.
Ow! Oh, Simpson,
it’s you.
-Hello, Flanders.
-Oh, my!
What a little mess
we’ve got here.
Well, which ones are yours
and which ones are mine?
-Well, let’s see–
-Oh, this one’s mine. This one’s mine.
-This one’s mine, and this–
-They’re all yours!
Hey, Mr. Simpson,
you dropped your pork chop.
(squeaking)
Gimme that!
Well, happy holidays,
Simpson.
Gee, Dad, this is gonna be
the best Christmas ever.
(chuckles)
You bet.
What’s the matter, Homer?
Somebody leave a lump of coal
in your stocking?
You’ve been sitting there,
sucking on a beer all day long.
-So?
-So, it’s Christmas.
-♪♪ (jukebox)
-Thanks, Moe.
Drinks all around!
What’s with
the crazy getup, Barn?
I got me a part-time job
working as a Santa
down at the mall.
Wow! Can I do that?
I don’t know. They’re pretty selective.
(belches)
Do you like children?
What do you mean?
All the time?
Even when they’re nuts?
-Hmm.
-Uh, I certainly do.
Welcome aboard, Simpson.
Pending your successful completion
of our training program, that is.
ALL: Ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho.
-What is it now, Simpson?
-Uh, when do we get paid?
Not a dime till
Christmas Eve!
Now, from the top.
ALL: Ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho.
Um, Dasher.
-Dancer.
-Mm-hmm.
-Prancer.
-Mm-hmm.
Nixon.
Comet and… Cupid.
-Donna Dixon?
-Sit down, Simpson.
And what would you like,
little boy?
-You’re not really Santa, tubby.
-Why, you little egghead!
No, no, Homer! If such
an emergency arises,
you just tell them Santa’s
very busy this time of year,
and you are
one of his helpers.
Oh, I knew that one too!
Homer, why are you
seven hours late?
Not a word, Marge.
I’m heading straight for the tub.
But, Homer,
my sisters are here.
-Don’t you wanna say hello?
-(shuddering)
(groaning)
-Daddy! Daddy! We’re so glad to see you!
-Oh, Dad, you’re finally home!
What? Why?
Oh, yeah.
Hello, Patty.
Hello, Selma.
-How was your trip?
-Fine.
-You both look well.
-Thank you.
HOMER: Yeah, well,
Merry Christmas.
It’s Christmas?
-You wouldn’t know it around here.
-And why is that?
Well, for one thing,
there’s no tree.
Well, I was just on my way
out to get one!
-Can we go too, Dad?
-Yeah, can we?
No!
♪ Sleigh bells ring ♪
♪ Are you listening ♪
♪ In the lane ♪
♪ Snow is glistening ♪
♪ A beautiful sight ♪
♪ We’re happy tonight ♪
♪ Walking in
a winter wonderland ♪♪
(chain saw buzzing)
MAN: Hey, you! What do you
think you’re doin’?
-Uh-oh.
-MAN: Hey! Hey!
-Come back here!
-(dogs barking, gunshots)
So what do you think, kids?
Beauty, isn’t it?
-Wow! Yay, Dad!
-Way to go, Dad!
Why is there
a birdhouse in it?
Uh, that’s an ornament.
(sniffs)
Do I smell gunpowder?
BOY: And then I want
some Robotoids.
And then I want
a Goop Monster.
And then I want
a great big, giant–
Aw, son, you don’t need
all that junk.
I’m sure you’ve already got something
much more important–
a decent home and
a loving father
who would do
anything for you.
Hey, I couldn’t afford lunch.
Give me a bite of that donut.
(shutter clicks)
Get a load of that
quote-unquote Santa.
I can’t believe those kids
are falling for it.
Hey, Milhouse, I dare you
to sit on his lap.
Oh, yeah? Well, I dare you
to yank his beard off.
Ah, touche.
I hope you feel better,
Santa.
Oh, I will when
Mrs. Claus’ sisters get outta town.
Thanks for listenin’, kid.
(strains, gasps)
Hey, Santa,
what’s shakin’, man?
What’s your name,
Bart… ner?
Uh, little partner?
I’m Bart Simpson.
Who the hell are you?
I’m Jolly Old St. Nick.
Oh, yeah?
We’ll just see about that.
-D’oh!
-(shutter clicks)
-Homer!
-I want a word with you
in Santa’s workshop, little boy.
Cover for me, Elfie.
Don’t kill me, Dad.
I didn’t know it was you.
Nobody knows.
It’s a secret.
I didn’t get my bonus this year.
But to keep the family
from missing out on Christmas,
-I’d do anything.
-I’ll say, Dad.
You must really love us
to sink so low.
Now, let’s not
get mushy, son.
I still have a job to do.
Hey, little ones.
Santa’s back.
Ho ho– D’oh!
Damn it to– (groaning)
Ah, son, one day
you’re gonna know
the satisfaction of payday.
Receiving a big fat check
for a job well done.
Simpson, Homer?
Here ya go.
Come on, son.
Let’s go cash this baby
and get presents for–
(screams) Thirteen bucks?
Hey, wait a minute.
That’s right.
$120 gross.
Less Social Security,
less unemployment insurance,
-less Santa training–
-Santa training?
Less costume purchase,
less beard rental, less Christmas club.
-But– But–
-See ya next year.
-Ohh!
-Come on, Dad. Let’s go home.
Thirteen bucks?
You can’t get anything
for 13 bucks.
All right!
Thirteen big ones!
Springfield Downs,
here I come!
-What?
-You heard me.
I’m goin’ to the dog track.
I got a hot little puppy
in the fourth race.
-Wanna come?
-Sorry, Barney.
I may be a total washout
as a father,
but I’m not gonna
take my kid
to a sleazy dog track
on Christmas Eve.
Come on, Simpson.
The dog’s name is Whirlwind.
Ten-to-one shot.
Money in the bank.
-Uh-uh.
-Ah, come on, Dad.
This can be the miracle that saves
the Simpsons’ Christmas.
If TV has taught me anything,
it’s that miracles always happen
to poor kids at Christmas.
It happened to Tiny Tim,
it happened to Charlie Brown,
it happened to the Smurfs,
and it’s gonna happen to us.
Well, okay, let’s go.
Who’s Tiny Tim?
ELF (on TV): Hey, Moldy,
do you think Santa will be able to find
Elf County
under all this snow?
I doubt it, Bubbles.
We’ll be sad little elves
this Christmas.
-Oh, no!
-Oh, brother.
-Where’s your husband?
-Yeah. It’s getting late.
Said he went caroling
with Bart.
BART/BARNEY:
♪ We’re in the money ♪
♪ We got a lot of what it takes
to get along ♪♪
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
Can we open
our presents now, Dad?
You know the tradition, son.
Not till the eighth race.
Hey, Barney,
which one is Whirlwind?
Number Six.
That’s our lucky dog
right over there.
He’s won
his last five races.
What? That scrawny little
bag of bones?
Come on, Dad. They’re all
scrawny little bags of bones.
Yeah, you’re right.
(sighs)
I guess Whirlwind
is our only hope
for a Merry Christmas.
MAN (on P.A.): Attention,
racing fans, we have a late scratch
in the fourth race.
Number 8, Sir Galahad
will be replaced by
Santa’s Little Helper.
Once again, Sir Galahad
has been replaced by
Santa’s Little Helper.
(gasps)
Bart, did you hear that?
What a name!
Santa’s Little Helper!
It’s a sign!
It’s an omen!
It’s a coincidence, Dad.
What are the odds
on Santa’s Little Helper?
Ninety-nine to one.
Wow! Ninety-nine
times thirteen equals…
Merry Christmas!
I got a bad feeling
about this.
-Don’t you believe in me, son?
-Uh–
Come on, boy.
Sometimes your faith
is all that keeps me going.
Oh, go for it, Dad.
That’s my boy!
Everything on
Santa’s Little Helper.
ELF:
Three cheers for Brainy!
-Hip hip hooray!
-Yay!
Unadulterated pap.
-It’s almost 9:00.
-Where’s Homer anyway?
It’s so typical of the big doofus
to spoil it all.
-What, Aunt Patty?
-Oh, nothing, dear.
I’m just trashing your father.
Well, I wish you wouldn’t
because aside from
the fact that
he has the same frailties
as all human beings,
he’s the only father I have.
Therefore, he is
my model of manhood,
and my estimation of him
will govern the prospects
of my adult relationships.
So I hope you bear in mind
that any knock at him
is a knock at me,
and I’m far too young
to defend myself
against such onslaughts.
Mm-hmm. Go watch
your cartoon show, dear.
(kissing)
Come on, Bart.
Kiss the ticket
for good luck,
not that we need it.
-(laughing)
-♪♪ (“Call To Post”)
ANNOUNCER: Here comes Screwy
the mechanical rabbit.
-(bell ringing)
-And they’re off!
-Come on, Santa’s Little Helper!
-Come on, dog! Go, man, go!
It’s Whirlwind in the lead,
and coming up on the left is Quadruped,
followed by Dog O’War
and Fido.
-Go! Come on, boy!
-Go, Santa’s Little Helper!
Come on, get that rabbit!
Dog O’War coming up fast
on the outside.
-Come on, Santa’s Little Helper!
-Come on, dog! Go, man, go!
And with a lock on last place,
it’s Santa’s Little Helper.
-(screams)
-Don’t worry, Dad.
Maybe this is just for suspense
before the miracle happens.
-Come on, you stupid dog! Come on, boy!
-Go, go!
-Run! Run!
-Run! Come on, get that rabbit!
Go, go, Santa’s Little Helper!
Go, go, go!
Whirlwind by a country mile,
and in second, Chew My Shoe,
followed by Dog O’War.
(screams)
Oh, jeez!
Doesn’t seem possible,
but I guess TV has betrayed me.
I don’t wanna leave
till our dog finishes.
Ah, forget it.
Let’s go.
-Find any winners, son?
-Sorry, Dad.
Hey, hey, Simpson!
What’d I tell you?
Whirlwind! (belches)
Let’s go, Daria.
MAN: Beat it! Scram!
Get lost!
-(whining)
-You came in last for the last time!
Look, Dad, it’s Santa’s Little Helper.
And don’t come back!
Oh, no, you don’t! No, no!
Get away from me! Uh-uh!
Oh, can we keep him,
Dad, please?
But he’s a loser!
He’s pathetic! He’s–
(whines)
A Simpson.
(snoring)
Hmm. Maybe I should
call the police.
-Oh, he’ll sober up.
-Yeah. Come staggering home.
Mm-hmm.
Smelling of cheap perfume.
-(door closes)
-Homer!
-What? What the–Who the- -
-Look, everybody,
-I have a confession to make.
-This should be good.
I didn’t get
my Christmas bonus.
I tried not to let it ruin Christmas for
everybody,
but no matter
what I did–
Hey, everybody,
look what we got!
(barking)
A dog!
All right, Dad!
God bless him.
So love at first sight
is possible.
And if he runs away,
he’ll be easy to catch.
Oh, this is the best gift
of all, Homer!
-It is?
-Yes. Something to share our love
and frighten prowlers.
-What’s his name?
-Number 8–
I mean,
Santa’s Little Helper.
(shutter clicks)
♪ Rudolph the red-nosed
reindeer ♪
♪ Had a very shiny nose ♪
♪ And if you ever saw it ♪
-♪ You would even say it glows ♪
-Like a light bulb!
-HOMER: Bart!
-♪ All of the other reindeer ♪
♪ Used to laugh
and call him names ♪
-LISA: Like Shnozzola!
-HOMER: Lisa!
♪ They never let
poor Rudolph ♪
♪ Join in any
reindeer games ♪
-BART: Like strip poker!
-HOMER: I’m warning you two!
♪ Then one foggy
Christmas Eve ♪
-♪ Santa came to say ♪
-MARGE: Take it, Homer!
HOMER: ♪ Uh, Rudolph
get your nose over here ♪
-♪ So you can guide my sleigh today ♪
-GRANDPA: Oh, Homer.
♪ Then all the reindeer
loved him ♪
♪ And they shouted out
with glee ♪
♪ Rudolph the red-nosed
reindeer ♪
♪ You’ll go down
in history ♪
-BART: ♪ Like Attila the Hu– ♪♪
-HOMER: You little–
-(Bart gagging)
-(Homer growling)
-(mumbling)
-Shh.