Bam Bam all right we’re live
ladies and gentlemen with a whole new setup
yeah yeah we’re late listen man
I’m very irresponsible
you know it’s
gonna be really cool when we get something
right back here
that’s the next step
we’re trying to figure out what to put right back there
most likely it’s gonna be a green screen
cause I’m looking at this right now I’m like how dope
would it be if we were in fucking
space right now yeah
we could have like Captain Kirk
like shit behind us like also
but we have a real desk
we have real
microphones now
so the iPhone
version and iPad and I whatever the fuck you use mp3 is
gonna be much better much clearer
and we’re fucking
fired up we
are not sponsored by Starbucks this is just coincidence
that we have to
happen to have that but
we have had an offer for our very
first sponsor
and it is the
flashlight awesome
I got I got some
funny to tell you Joe by the way hold on a
second we gotta tell people alright so the
flashlight is
if you don’t know what it is
if you’re you’re not an online type person
it’s a very
famous device
that you can fuck
and one of the reasons why it’s
famous is because it’s supposed to feel really good
supposed to feel like way better than your hand
yeah and the
other reason is that there was that
that thing that was online like I accidentally the
whole flashlight
what was that
is a guy pranking
I think it was a customer service
rep that saying
only is something that
he is a flashlight or
something like it was really bad I accidental the whole
flashlight yeah
yeah I was like
lol cat yeah
well this guy I never
watched that or heard that
thing I remember it but I do remember that that
flashlight thing got
stuck in my head
because of that because
everybody kept saying it
and it just
it’s like one of
those things
where like you hear
about it so
often on the Internet just because of that so when
they contacted me I was like wow that’s kind of cool
then when he told me that he sponsored
Kevin smith’s podcast
I’m like wow that’s
super cool like he’s
gonna do our podcast and Kevin
smith’s podcast that
sounds fucking badass
and then we met the dude and Chris was a
super cool guy
and you know
just a real
chill dude that you
could hang with like
a normal guy and he was
really kind of a spiritual guy too
which is kind of interesting because we were talking
about the porn side and how
you know porn is kind of
gross you know there’s
a lot of porn now that you don’t really necessarily
want to be associated he was either
really good at his job researching
you because he seemed like your long lost brother
because he was
like pulling out documentaries you didn’t even know
about it was
really know but
well it was the
weird like you guys
would that be good
yeah if you guys were gay you’d be perfect perfect
lovers perfect
lovers yeah
yeah he was
a real bright guy man we talked
about Miyamoto Musashi we talked
about different schools of
philosophy different books that he’s read yes different
different volcanoes he knew about some
super volcanoes
exploding in the past that I didn’t even know right
we gotta get him on
the show for sure yes
definitely he
unfortunately he lives in Austin
but the next time we’re in Austin what will do is we’ll
bring our equipment and
everything and set up in Austin
or we can move there
I fucked up I fucked up moving to Colorado
for a bunch of reasons
one cause Mrs Rogan can’t fucking
drive in the snow which is just
a it’s not good
and if you know Mrs Rogan
that’s not something that I’m
gonna be comfortable with her
learning really quickly
just that doesn’t seem like a good move
just fucking
moving where it freezes
and shit gets dangerous and sliding into trees and shit
and then when the dog got eaten by the mountain lion
that like that killed it yeah
otherwise Austin would have been
great and if I anyway the point is if Austin was great
we would definitely hang around with Chris totally
but what’s funny is
he gave us a sample
so we can feel and touch it of the
flashlight and the flashlight uses patent rubber
technology they have a patent
on this shit yeah it’s
a very specific type of insert the mushy squishy stuff
is their own proprietary
blend yeah and it’s like you
think in your head like
oh I’m sure it feels like rubber and oil like it’s not
gonna it’s just
gonna feel like really soft rubber
this actually is kind of creepy to feel
and so he gave us a
sample what he did is he took a couple
flashlights and he cut it in half
just so we can feel the actual rubber part
and then at the end of our dinner it
doesn’t really feel like
pussy though
it feels soft
yeah it feels really good it feels really soft
that’s not even
lubed up though
no it’s not even lubed up
so he gave us
these samples too mushy it’s like a
pussy that’s sick
well because it’s usually in a can
it’s usually it’s got some bone behind
it wouldn’t
would that make it more compact yeah yeah
cause you have like a wall
right now it’s a wall
we actually have a box of them yeah
so anyways he gave us
these samples just to
film and we left them on the
table and I’m like you’re not
gonna take that he’s like oh you know it’s just
trash just so you could
feel like you know what I’m
gonna take it so I took the samples
and I had it there in a bag and the other day
I decided when no one was around that I
would try to fuck one of the samples
but it was only half of it
so I had to use both of them one for the bottom
and one for the top
and so I was doing the left hand in the
right hand like left hand was the left
sample the right was the
right sample
I’m like wait a
second flesh
like company you need something like that
because I had like 2 different hand jobs
going on I had one with a different
texture on the top you’re
gonna turn yourself off with 2 hands
like you’re milking a cow
well how you work in the balls
no I put the bottom one
I put the balls in the bottom one I
wrapped it around the bottom one
so it’s kind
of your balls around the bottom one how fucking
small are your balls
oh they’re very very small
but I was doing both of them I use I eat a lot of
edamame remember
edamame will
shake your balls and make
you cry but anyways it felt really real I only had hot
water lube yeah for a little bit it felt really good
like shampoo or something
good because it’s supposed to be a
water based oil
and that so I
they felt good for even just being
samples outside of its cocoon
and everything it wasn’t even in
the can or anything so I can’t wait to fuck one of
these things is this one
yeah these are
these are the ones
right now but
this is not without some controversy
I don’t this is actually
gonna be really
loud for this people to be listening to the iPod
as softly as possible
and we’ll only do it once so it’s not
annoying alright this is
apparently this is it this is the flashlight
wow it comes in a nice packaging like
are you gonna do an
unboxing video for us Joe yes we’ll do an
unboxing of the flashlight let’s see what we got here
now this is not without some controversy
and this is where it gets strange
my manager is very very upset with me
and does not think that the flashlight is a good
thing to have for a sponsor
and I was surprised with that
very surprised yeah
because they were like really adamant
about it they were like
you could be up for some sort of a show CBS
and they find out that you have the flashlight
on your podcast
right you know that you’re sponsored by a
thing not just that you have an opinion
about a thing
they were saying that
the big deal is that you are sponsored by this thing
and because you’re sponsored by this
thing somehow or another that makes you like
what does that make you
a bad person
yes because you don’t masturbate
with your hand yeah you’re you’re a bad
person because you prefer to masturbate with the the
rubber vagina right
like really I think old
school like you know
it’s crazy talk
right like it’s
crazy the idea that
you don’t masturbate if you don’t masturbate what’s
wrong with you like
it’s a great
feels good okay
first of all
it’s a great way of getting a release like a
sexual release so it’s not
built up it’s not
annoying you all day
because if you’re
not getting laid okay and a lot of us aren’t
if you’re not getting laid
and you don’t jerk off you’re
gonna go fucking bananas
right yeah that’s a fact
totally true
so what is this some sort of a leftover
yeah don’t show your
ankles don’t show your ankles
technology put
fucking put
dresses over the legs of
chairs yeah
never seen those
buildings where they put or
those old like
furniture from like
I don’t know what year it was
was way way way back in the Victorian era I
guess where
they would literally put
dresses around
the legs of
chairs laces like
laces right
so that people don’t get
excited about
fucking chairs but it was like bras you remember
going to your
house and seeing like that old
white croquet
like kit table
it was what was it called it was kind of like a
white Lacey
you know old people with doilies
is that what is doily
I don’t think that’s the same
thing I don’t
think oh look at you you’re doing any problem
right now you fuck that’s you fuck
my shit on airplane mode
I thought well
I’m gonna put
mine on airplane so yeah so they used to put doilies
type shit on
furniture that was almost like
lace of a bra
to cover up the the
ankles of a chair or a
leg of a table
crazier people
how fucking crazier people and how
crazy is it that me of all people
all the shit that I’ve talked
about from fucking DMT to
the fact that I
think the government
killed Kennedy and the same people are probably in
power and giant fucking corporations control the world
and you have a
video of you and me
watching 2 girls in one cup and then you showing no you
gotta watch a
video of a guy
chopping off
their dick but yet
you can’t masturbate
that’s okay
but masturbation is terrible it makes no
sense at all
of all the shit that I’ve put
out on the internet I try to be as honest as possible
and I try to put out as much on the internet
about things that I’m interested in
I don’t care if you
think I’m crazy
I don’t care
I don’t care if you know you
think it’s inappropriate
look I’m just curious
about this certain
subject here it is whether it’s on my message board
or whether we talking
about on this this
this podcast
or whether we
put it on Twitter you know if I find something I
think it’s interesting I’m
gonna be honest
about it like
why is that a fucking bad
thing you know
and why is the idea of
me fucking this rubber flashlight
why is that a bad
thing I mean
because I don’t
think people in the middle of America wants to
think of you masturbating
and then if that gets thrown in their face
yeah because you’re not supposed
to have in their face
you’re not supposed to have sex Joe
so that’s what it is when
you don’t want
people to see people having sex or talking
about sex too much
and if you endorse
sex with yourself
that’s a bad
thing I don’t know
I to me it’s like
I mean you can’t marry
that well the crazy
thing is they said the manager said
that one of the
things they were talking
about was the
fact that this is in the pornography industry
that’s what they said it’s the pornography yeah
that it’s pornography
and I said how is it involved in pornography
industry it’s like
it’s just a rubber vagina
they’re like well when you use it you
watch pornography
so that was an actual argument
so how come you can’t do it you can’t
do it with your
imagination it has to involve pornography
Joe how many
how many documentaries have you done on DMT and drugs
so the drug industry is okay but the porn industry the
Janet Jackson nipple industry is just out of control
insane it’s why
I don’t know what you just said you might be
a little bit too high to talk
right now young man
no I’m saying
how many how many
have you done
about drugs I’ve done
a couple right
so the drug industry to your managers fine
really interesting
I mean well
the idea is that
a documentary is different because
it’s just your opinion on a certain subject whereas
this is an endorsement that’s the argument
endorsement endorsement
so if you were endorsed
by marijuana it
would probably be bad too
marijuana is illegal
you are endorsed
by marijuana I am endorsed
by marijuana marijuana
actually not
only sponsors
this show it
writes most of the material and
causes most of the
things to happen
he’s the producer
marijuana is the
secret producer
train wreck
is that a true
train wreck
this week it was
green crack
green crack
is executive
producer secret
executive producer of this show this week
yeah no shit so
so this is a real argument
right now the real argument is that
if I endorse
this thing that somehow another
would be a bad
thing the packaging on
that’s I think that’s the butthole
is that but
maybe that’s the vagina
wow it is a
super tight
can I feel it
no let me just touch it
give me one and 1/2 fucking weirdo I want one and 1/2
do you have a lupe
one they have a lupe
if you guys know lupe
she was on the Howard Stern
it’s like Christmas
listen this ain’t a motherfucker
clear the table of all the junk
listen I This is way less
annoying than the way I used to have it set up
yeah there’s some junk on the table
how about this I’ll take this down
move this out of the way without helping
it does look a little better if I do that how
about that I’m cleaning up for you guys
that’s the difference between the U stream crowd and
the iPhone iPad iPod crowd
so that’s the
flashlight fellow fuck it
enjoy I got the stamina
training unit do you
yeah that’s to practice to be longer in bed
it says every man knows the only way
to get better is to practice if you can last 10 minutes
in the unit
you can last 20 minutes in bed with anyone wow
that’s bold
that’s strong words
that was one of the
things that this guy was telling us
which one of the more fascinating
things about this
whole thing
was the actual
therapeutic applications of the
flashlight and this
sounds like nonsense
sounds like
someone’s just justifying trying to fuck a rubber pussy
but no what
they use them for a
bunch of different
therapeutic reasons and one of them is
people in certain religions aren’t allowed to
touch their penis
and because they’re not allowed to
touch their penis
these guys he said to Hasidic Jews in particular
actually have a hard time
orgasming when they have sex with
women because they’re so used to like fucking pillows
because they do most
their masturbation like
grabbing a sheet or
grabbing a pillow this is his words not mine this
this could be totally nonsense
I don’t know
I have not researched this at all that’s my caveat
but he said that
the flashlight is actually
covered by some insurance policies
as therapy as
sexual therapy
to get them to
learn how to
orgasm with a vagina instead of fucking like some
rough pillow so
I don’t know I have not
validated this I don’t
know what it
is to me it totally makes
sense to me
and the other reason
for the fresh
flashlight is it
trains guys
not to prematurely ejaculate
and guys who have problems with premature ejaculation
they can practice in the
flashlight that’s
the idea you’re supposed to take this too bad oh that
doesn’t feel good it’s a
hard ass yeah
don’t get too crazy
don’t pull your dick outside
I’ll fucking
panic so um
so I don’t think there’s any look
obviously we all masturbate it’s
silly at this
point in this
stage of life to deny that it
doesn’t make any
sense it’s dumb
so if we all masturbate what is
wrong with this thing
you know what’s
wrong with this you know what’s
great I do things like
smoke cigarettes
are used to
smoke cigarettes in the car and it’s
out of a boredom
of my hand I
think therapeutically I
could put this in my car instead of smoking
cigarettes just finger it
because it feels so good I mean
don’t touch mine but feel yours
I mean that’s something to do with my hand like
that feels good that feels like I’m playing with one of
those stress balls
but it actually feels like I’m 10 woman
doing it wow and
strong numbers
strong numbers on
I think there is a lot of
things like that because
there was something else he was saying
about people
like a lot of medical reasons
like what was something else that he said besides that
religion there was like
doctors that
would use it for
well that we were to talk
covered that
doctors use it for premature ejaculation
and for religions that don’t masturbate you’re way too
hot I was busy
with my lady
here blasted
you see he’s distracted that’s why I
tried to keep the
iPad away from him I told you I took one too many hits
today he did
take one too many he went over the deep end
ladies and gentlemen
peeing outside
it’s my fault
so what I don’t
understand and I don’t wanna
I definitely
wanna hear from you guys
just let me know on twitter at Joe Rogan
I’m just my
name now Joe Rogan he used to be Dot net dot net
cause some dude
cyber squatted on my name
but I got it back
thank you very much twitter
my account got verified and all that shit
but I want to know do you
think it’s ridiculous because I
think it’s ridiculous and what is there
is there really
a bunch of you out there that
would not want
to see something that I’m doing whatever the fuck
it is because you know that I support rubber pussies
like is it possible that that
could cost somebody business
I mean in this day and
age when the fucking Pope
okay is not being brought to justice for shielding
child molesters
you really gonna get
upset at me
if I endorse
a rubber pussy
me the Pope is endorsed by the goddamn presidents of
every goddamn country in the world
and this guy
shielded shielded
pedophiles I mean it’s a fact he
did he’s a part of the problem with the Catholic Church
that motherfucker is accepted everywhere
but I’ll be
about am I can completely
comparing myself to the Pope
I guess I am
folks I just fucking I did
I don’t know why
there’s some
grandiose illusions of
grandeur in my head I connect
my it’s because I always want to wear a dope ass robe
show up for work
dressed like a Merlin
but you know I don’t
think there’s anything wrong with
obviously you don’t either we all do it I don’t
think there’s anything
wrong with a
product that makes masturbation easier or better
and that’s what it is
I support it
and you know so I’m
I’m not gonna listen to my managers I’m gonna
tell him to go fuck themselves
you know he made it but I love them he made an awesome
point like women in
their dildos and
their vibrators that’s almost
you know when people get
married at like bachelor
you know parties and stuff
that’s like a joke you know that’s like yeah and that’s
their toy guys have
never really had any real
legit toys you know it’s true this is the
first one that
yeah actually makes
sense instead of
using your hand
once you use
something that feels a hundred times better
yeah that is
the argument I can’t wait to fuck it and I may
get a cantaloupe
put it in the microwave
put a little hole in it and warm it up a little
and we fuck that
first wait 1/2 hour and then fuck this and see
which one’s better cantaloupe is your move
right you’ve done that before I’ve done it before it’s
great because
after you fuck it you
could totally eat it
so just wash it out
don’t eat the
layer don’t eat yeah don’t you’ve done it
don’t eat the layer
rude someone calling me
during my fucking podcast
I would shut that off I knew where it was please shut
management uh oh it is they’re listening to the podcast
right now like hey man
that’s not talk
about this man yeah I could stop
put this out there do what if it
would he is angry
that’s funny that your managers that’s cool
well I could stop because you’d start talking
about no just
listen um that’s hilarious
it’s hilarious they called right when we’re talking
about I know
um you know
I see what they’re saying they’re trying to protect me
from like you know like if
I had to do a show like Fear Factor something like that
maybe that could be a problem
yeah but you
fucking horses dicks
yeah I feel like you got to take me as I am
you know I’m not a bad guy
whenever you ever
I don’t want
to do some sort I don’t want to do a fear factor
again right I really don’t
I mean it’s so
tempting not to for the
money but I
gotta do something more interesting I
gotta do shit that I like doing
cause I have so much more fun
so it’s almost like
getting in bed with the
flashlight it’s like protects me from doing anything
stupid that I know I’ll do for money
you know it’s
just so easy when something like fear factor comes
along and then like hey we’re
gonna give you
all this money
every week and all you have to do is just
show up and
watch people you know
do stupid shit you like fuck it’s so easy to get that
money it’s so difficult but
you gotta pass on it
you really do because if you it was good that I did it
but a certain
point in time you have to pass on doing
those things
cause if you don’t
you’re just
gonna be better
you’re talking
about by the way you’re talking
about old TV
while you’re doing new TV yeah
this is way easier this
look we could have
never had a fucking
show like this that reaches as many people as this
thing does including the
you know the podcast
on iTunes and
this thing on you stream
and there’s no fucking way
we could have ever gotten someone to
agree to let us
practice a TV show this what we’re gonna do
we’re gonna
start off just fucking around with
boxes of shit behind me piled up on the desk
and then eventually we’re
gonna move on to like
trying to have
like a real show with like a desk and real
microphones and the
sound is much better we got a top end
MP3 recorder
and then the next
thing we got
you stream producer we’re
gonna have high def
cameras in here and eventually we’re
gonna figure out how to do it all through a tricaster
so that we can have a
background and we’ll put a
green screen up behind us
we never thought that this was
gonna happen this is just a goof and I
This this is
not that this is any big deal like that this
could have happened
but it’s that it’s this easy and this fun
and people would
enjoy it this much
you could have
never I could have
never done this on television
they would have
never let me
and if they did they
would never let me just do it the way we did it just
wing it and talk
about whatever
for the first
fucking 10 weeks
we didn’t even have plan what we’re
gonna talk about
we would just get in there turn it on and just talk
about it you know so
I completely lost what the fuck I was talking about
I completely lost what I was saying
my I know what my
point is my point is
that this is new TV and you’re right and
it protects me
really if I do something like
the flashlight or anything
ridiculous should I do
it protects me from doing any dumb
fear factor type shit in the future it’s so
funny because there is a pretty
direct line on the old TV
where the new TV is mixing with the old TV
right now I was
watching Family Guy and
the episode
involved a dog
licking out a baby’s asshole
but it was on
the last episode had that
where Brian the dog
bait out stewie’s
asshole and
clean shit off his ass
how is that possible
and we’re talking
about masturbating
having a problem with masturbating
that’s incredible I love
to see that episode oh dude it’s the best episode
download last episode of Family Guy they’re
trapped in a bank a bank
vault or something like that and it is so fucking
ridiculous the shit
that they get away with on regular
primetime television
and we’re talking
about fucking
a rubber yeah but
I think when you’re
as successful as they are
or as successful as
South Park is
you basically can do whatever the fuck you want
cause people
wanna be on your show
you know advertisers rather
right they want to advertise
on your show I mean your show is gigantic
South Park has
just got such a
loyal legion of followers at this
point in time
until the Muhammad
thing they pretty much got away with doing
almost anything they wanted for a long time
it’s crazy about the Muhammad
thing because
in New York City they just captured
the guy the bomber and there’s a connection
that people are
starting to make between a Republican
senator or something like that said that they
think there
might be a connection between the 2 but they
haven’t proved anything yet
well you know I mean that’s a good
thing to speculate automatically there
might be a connection but yeah
who the fuck knows
what if there
was man what if there was
listen man people people are that dumb
there are people
that really do believe that you’re not supposed to make
fun of them at all and if you do you’re supposed to die
like that they are though that’s the
worst example of
human beings in the world
and the problem with
the Middle East and this is what I’ve always talked
about I’ve talked
about it as
a joke in my act but it really is kind of true
one of the reasons why
they’re so arcane in
their ways what are you doing trying to justice huh
one of the reasons why they’re so arcane in
their ways is that that’s
where culture
began the oldest known
civilization that we know of is Sumair
and that’s where Iraq is
so basically like the people that are
still in that area are like the townies of the world
I mean they’re really
stuck on some fucking
multi thousand year old shit
and us being in America
it’s not that America is better than
other countries but
the one advantage that America has
is that we’re the most recent country
so we’re all from somewhere that sucked
every one of us here is we came from somewhere
that sucked
or our answers came from somewhere that sucked
and they congregated to this one
place to get the most
fresh ideas supposedly to be the most progressive
because they’re at the
the furthest
ahead of the curve
but people in like the Middle East that’s the furthest
that’s the beginning
point of the
curve like though
they really are the fucking townies of the world
and that’s why
there’s the problem with this fucking cartoon thing
is that these
really do believe
that there’s some
magical motherfucker that you’re not supposed to draw
I mean it’s
it’s bananas
you know that is
and the enemy of
evolution this ancient
ideology this
multif this fucking
ridiculous idea
that somehow or another
several thousand years ago they had it wired
they hadn’t figured out back then
even though they didn’t know Jack shit
about medicine
about the constellations they didn’t know anything
but they had it wired
they knew they knew what was going on
what the fuck are you talking about
it’s ridiculous
the fact that there’s people willing to die for that
that in 2010 that is
still rocking
it is amazing
it’s amazing yeah
Tom Cruise is the same way too
dude personally I
think that the scariest
thing is not even
the Middle East I don’t
think the scariest
thing in this
world is that
ideology I think that’s very
scary but to me what’s scarier
is what’s happening in Mexico
and the fact that Mexico is connected to us
and Mexico is the middle of gigantic gang wars
between the police
and these gang
cartels that have fucking billions of dollars
these guys have insane amounts of
money because
that’s the only way you can make
money so it’s
basically like
I mean that’s not the only way you can make
money in Mexico that’s not what I’m saying
they’re totally illegal to sell cocaine
it has to be sold illegal you can’t sell it legally
you can’t regulate
it and tax it you can’t do anything with it you have to
sell it illegally so
people gonna buy cocaine they’re
gonna buy cocaine from Mexico and there’s someone’s
gonna get that
money who the fuck’s
gonna get that money
well these drug lords have all that
money and now they’re more
powerful than the police
and they’ve got us
troops are going in there now and fucking helping out
I mean it’s bananas down there dude there’s
they’re fucking war
in the streets with tanks with bananas is people are
still going there for vacations it’s just
how like the last spring
break that was
still one of the hot spots for people to go for spring
break is if they were
Muslims we’d be fucked
okay the fact that they’re Christians
and they’re
not into blowing themselves up for you know for
Jesus they’re
they’re into you know
mean what’s
going on is it’s a lot of money
and a lot of
influence and a lot of people that you know get illegal
money and they’re dominating the
the actual political
system over there and as many as they try to raid
there’s so many
more of them it’s such a fucking hard fight
because they let them like dig in and get infested
there’s just so many fucking
gigantic cartels with just tons and tons of
money and guns
it’s so frightening
but if they like if they were the
enemy if that was like
Muslim I mean if we
like if like Pakistan was
right next door to us
and this shit was
going down it
would be even scarier
you know it really was yeah
cause for some reason
the Mexicans aren’t blaming the Americans
it’s really interesting
it’s like Mexican people are pretty
proud people
and they’re not blaming a lot of they
have a lot of
family here that’s why they’re not
gonna fuck with half of
their family well it’s also I mean it’s really
clear what happened they
wanted to make drugs legal
they wanted to decriminalize
and make them legal
and make it so that people can sell them and tax
him and all and the United States said no fucking way
like no way
and if you don’t have laws and you
know you’re involved in a business like selling drugs
you’re gonna have criminals
because even when you have laws
we have things like
companies I mean
pharmaceutical companies are
basically legal
drug dealers
and they’re dealing shit that kills
every day there’s always people
dropping off from Vicodin
and Percocet
I remember when I got my nose
fixed when I got my deviated septum operated on
the good doctor gave me 2
Valium no it was a Viking in
and Percocet he gave me a prescription for both
and I looked at him like man this
stuff is bad for you like how bad is this
gonna fucking hurt
is gonna hurt way more than it hurts right now
I’d rather just deal with
being annoying than get hooked on some
crazy fucking
pharmaceutical pills that like
addict you like
what like 30
of the time
how many people get addicted to vicodins
oh like tons fuck load
dude they give
those things out like
candy well right
after I decided not to accept the prescription
a study came out showing that the FDA
Food and Drug Administration
they’re going
to recommend
like cutting way back on prescriptions and they
recommend that doctors
did not prescribe them because of
liver damage and because of addiction
oh I have probably
4/2 full bottles of Viking and laying around just from
going to the dentist
does they talk to you sometimes huh do they talk to you
the Viking bottle yeah only when I sleep
like in the middle of the
night wake up and they’re combing my hair
you’re really stressed
right now you know
better actually I hate
you me up man
I hate Viking I hate feelings
I just feel
gross when I do Vicodin I’ve only done Vicodin once
when I had my
first knee operation I’ve had
3 knee operations
2 ACL reconstructions one meniscus surgery
and the first time I had the ACL done
it was pretty painful
because they did what’s called a patella tendon graft
I have this scar that goes from here to here
and what they do is
they take a
chunk of bone out of your knee and a
chunk of bone out of your shin
and they cut this big tendon this one
and they cut a
slice of it off
with the bone
and then they open you up like a fish
and they drill it in place
so they take this tendon
and they make it
smaller to make you a fake tendon for the ACL
and it’s apparently was supposedly
like physically
stronger than the original ACL
point is you got holes in your bones
and screws in your bones
and it hurts like a bitch
when you get up
especially when you’re sitting
down and then you get up it’s way more pain I have the
other one done with a cadaver
so I got a dead dude’s shit in this knee
but the one with the ACL
where they do the surgery
where they take
it off the bone is way way way more painful you
gotta get up from the
couch and be like
watching TV and it was just like hot lava
just hot lead just
going right into my bones it was so
fucking painful
and I took a Vicodin
that was the only time I ever took one and I felt so
stupid yeah just so drugged
and my jaw was
slack and I was
watching TV
and I thought to myself
while I was under it
I was like I will
never take this dumb shit
again yeah this
stuff’s terrible
yeah it’s weird how some people are the
exact opposite they’ll fucking give you 20
bucks for a Viking
yeah well what
basically we’re
trying to say is there’s no fucking difference between
Viking ins and
heroin and Oxycontins and heroin are
really the same
thing there’s no fucking difference between
companies and drug dealers
the only difference is
the drug dealers don’t have to
they don’t have to work within the law
the pharmaceutical
companies they have to bribe
politicians they
have to they have to
wax doctors you know what they do with doctors
they take everybody out to dinner
Mrs Rogan is her mom as a nurse and
she works with
these pharmaceutical
companies these
nurses they don’t make much money
and they don’t get to go out to
fancy dinners
the pharmaceutical
companies come
along and say hey viagra’s
gonna take us out on a nice dinner
and they all
get to go to a nice restaurant and have a nice meal
and it’s all on
these pharmaceutical
companies they pay for the
drinks they pay for
everything and so
these people are more likely to talk nice
about their
so they prescribe them more
you know what’s fucked up
about that is I’ve thought
about that also
when I go to the doctor
I was at the doctor but
it was a poor example
right that’s a good one right
I went to the doctors the other day
for acid reflux because
sometimes after I eat like
too much caffeine onions or I
drink too much I kind of
feel like I have acid coming up from my
throat it makes my
throat feel tight
and all those other
stuff you had
this for a long time yeah I’ve had it for a
while so finally went to the doctor the
other day digestive doctor and I told him
everything I had
and then he’s like oh let me give you some
samples he gave me a garbage bag almost full
of the samples called the Bluepil
com I don’t
remember what the name of it but it was the Bluepil com
right and I’m thinking
you know what I wonder if this is even
the best thing I
could be taking
right now or if this guy just got paid to give
me a bottle
cause he gave me like 20 bottles of
samples and coupons and books and
I take it and I’m like yeah I
guess that kind
of is better but I don’t know if I’m just
tricking myself
or if I have to go back there make a
second appointment
just to be like look
whatever you gave me that’s
bullshit well
we know for sure that doctors are
influenced by
you know they give them
money they get
money for they were getting I don’t know if this is
still true or
still legal
or if there’s different
states that
have different laws I don’t know how it all works
but from what I understand
doctors have been busted
where they’re getting a percentage
of the amount
of sales that they have like say if they sell
x amount of valiums
they get a kickback
from the pharmaceutical company
that should
absolutely be illegal yeah
I mean that’s
crazy that’s what bananas that’s hopefully
technology helps that though so when they
try to prescribe something like 1,000,000 topics come
text to your
phone and you go
actually no I
wanna take this one this one’s better
right like yeah like an iPhone
app that tells you your doctors trying to get you yeah
yeah just like
you turn it you turn it on and when the doctor
no we’re not trying to shit on doctors or anything man
so the whole
system is fucked up
and when you’re a doctor and you’re struggling to get
along and you
have to pay an insane amount of malpractice insurance
I mean malpractice
insurance for doctors is goddamn brutal
and then you have all
these assholes that
wanna sue you for fucking nothing for no reason for
shit getting
wrong for you getting an affection for
things that are totally unavoidable
and I’m not saying the doctor’s perfect
but it’s hard for doctors
their medical bills or
medical school bills are gigantic
they’re fucking huge
and all of a
sudden some
company comes
along and says hey
you know you’re
still helping all
these people you’re
still doing a
great thing
we just would love it if you
would tell them
you know take Viox if you have arthritis
right so these doctors say yeah I
could do that and
we’ll be in on
a deal with you guys
via you know we give you a
share in the
company we’ll give you a certain percentage for every
you know viox bottle you sell will give you X percent
and so they don’t
think they’re doing anything
wrong viox is something that was created to help people
this person has a pain I’ll give them this it’ll help
their pain and I’ll profit
and they don’t even
think it’s a bad thing
and then next
thing you know
they’re prescribing it way more than they did before
especially like nutty pills
you talk to like there’s been many studies
done on people who take on Time of Presence and how
people have gone to
psychiatrist just for
experimentation purposes just to
write stories on it
and just today you know I’m just having
trouble sleeping
feel shitty
all day I don’t know what to do here take this
Bam it’s like that simple
have Zoloft
you’ll feel better
right like they’re just dishing it out
try this for
a little bit and tell us how you feel like whoa
we’re fucking with
human neurochemistry and we’re
allowing these
heartless pharmaceutical companies to do it
you can’t do that man there’s
got to be more oversight I know there’s a lot of money
involved in
pharmaceuticals and I know that there’s a lot of
that do a lot of good for a lot of people
not saying there’s anything bad about it
but there’s got to be way more oversight
cause they have
so much shit out there that you can get addicted to
there’s so much that will fuck your life up
and it’s readily available
oxycontins fucking Percocets
Valiums Vicodins those
those fucking
things will
crush you and
somehow or another
those guys are doing something that’s way more
acceptable then someone sells pot or coke
or fucks a rubber or vagina
rubber vagina
those people are looked at as
heroes doctors and
stuff but yet
if you talk
about this you know
bad person well you know I mean look doctors are
heroes man the
doctors are to fix me up I mean forever in
their debt the guy fix my nose
the guys who
fixed my knees
if it wasn’t for them my nose
would suck and I
wouldn’t be able to walk that good
doctors are fucking awesome I’m not saying that
I’m just saying we live in this ridiculous
state of hypocrisy
because there’s certain drugs that we make illegal you
literally aren’t supposed to have them
it’s not that you
can get them prescribed if you need them or they can
monitor you no
you’re not allowed to big
Daddy who knows more than you
tells you that if you’re with this drug
that this drug we’re
gonna lock you in a cage
like what the
fuck why is that is that set up so that the people who
really appreciate and recognize the merits in the
psychedelic drugs
rise up so that they realize they have to
literally overthrow
the culture
the way of thinking
they have to not overthrow rather but
overturn the way
the culture
accepts drugs
because that’s the only
thing that seems to make
sense all the
beneficial ones are legal
you don’t ever hear
about someone talking to you
about they did Valium
and they just really had this life
changing experience and
learn to love
everyone no you don’t have that fucking on Valium
I felt connected to
the universe and I realized that I’m just a part of a
never ending process and my
biology is trying to hold on to
everything and that’s
where the insecurity comes from you know
no you don’t get that from fucking Valium
okay you get that from mushrooms
and mushrooms grow outside and if they
catch you with them
they put you in a cage
if they come by your fucking house
and you have
mushrooms growing on your tree in your backyard
they are legally
allowed to lock you in a box
they can take you and arrest you
yeah that’s fucking bananas
bananas and that are enforcing
our ridiculous
thinking on the mexican people
is why those drug cartels got into power
is that a conspiracy
theory perhaps is that a little bit of
tin foil hat perhaps
yeah maybe but you know some of that
tin foil hat shit is on the
money and i
think it is with this
we live right next to a country
that’s involved in a way more deadly war than the one
going on in afghanistan or
going on in iraq
both of them combined can’t even
touch the body
counts that are happening in mexico
right next door
they’re killing
motherfuckers they’re going
crazy over there dude
and you can get there by walking
you know i’m saying
i mean we’re all invested in afghanistan
securing afghanistan
meanwhile we live
right next to a fucking third
world country we are connected to them
with an invisible line
and they’re involved in the bloodiest
pharmaceutical war
that’s ever been fought in the history of this
earth the illegal
pharmaceutical war
they’re fighting it with goddamn tanks
they’re fighting a
pharmaceutical war with tanks
and that’s what the war is
the war is who gets to sell your shit
is it gonna be people that
have no law whatsoever or is it
gonna be people that have laws
and if you say it’s
gonna be people that have laws and that the other
stuff you’re not
gonna allow
well then someone’s
gonna sell that
other stuff
cause there’s a goddamn demand for it
it’s dangerous
everywhere did you know here
about this west hollywood like yesterday
or something like that a
woman walks into a target
at west hollywood
and just starts fucking
stabbing or
shooting people i
think shooting people shot four people
and finally was
taken down by
i think you
gotta do a google
this is the age of the internet son you can’t be
using like nineteen eighty four type
storytelling skills will give you
why look this up give some facts about target
well target is an awesome place
if you want to buy some shit they usually have it there
yeah however target would not carry the rubber pussy
no target frowns upon
the rubber pussy they’re not a
woman stabs four people in
so it is stabbing in west hollywood
she’s 34 years old
entered the
store attack shoppers with a butcher knife and a
steak knife
an off duty la county sheriff deputy
and store security guards
apprehended her thank god those guys were there
thank god someone so fucking balls i hope they
brain that bitch oh
yeah when they took her out they
should’ve just shoved that fucking knife
right into her heart
you know you’re in the middle of
a battle a knife battle
with a knife wielding assailant
you should just
stick that fucking
thing right in her neck wow she
right she was yelling i’m bipolar
there’s no witness protection program
oh god see at that
point we have to know when to kill people we really do
you can’t bring
that person back and reintroduce them to society this
life is short
and you have fucked it up
so bad there’s
just no way coming back from that we just got to
start from scratch
and it sends a message to all the
other people out there
thinking about
going nutty
don’t go that nutty yeah all
right stop don’t go running into
target and fucking
stabbing people we’re not
gonna allow that shit
yeah jesus christ
you know we’re so goddamn tolerant of fucking loonies
just kill em yeah
dude have you seen
those back i
think i talked
about yeah we talked
about it the
other day when we were talking to the
flashlight dude yeah
the new the new
uh piercings
where they have
up and down your back they have hoops
and then they take laces
and go back and forth like it’s a dress
and they tie like
bows and stuff with it yeah i was
thinking you know how fucking
crazy is that even
piercings are
crazy i remember
back in the day
it was left hoop
right hoop you know that was the
big sin went
eyebrow yeah
it was really
nutty you went eyebrow and it
moved on to the
belly button
and then like some
crazy girls got nipples and clits
now they’re fucking making
clothes out of your skin like i
think you should probably talk to that
microphone more put the
it’s pumped up
yeah okay but it’s getting to the
point where now it’s like
like laces back and forth and like you’re making skin
dresses yeah that’s how
crazy piercing is yeah what he’s talking
about is a series of loops
that these women are putting on
their bodies and
their back and they
they make it like shoelaces
yeah fucking
it’s the trippiest
thing ever when you see someone
that’s a girl who
doesn’t give a fuck all
right yeah there was a one she won’t even
blink if you fuck her in the ass
she’ll be like what
there was a girl
standing outside of my grocery store
trying to do
green piece whatever that shit is
and she had that
whole thing up and down with a bra on do you
think that that’s the message
that the message
is that they just
they can take all sorts of crazy pain
oh that’s the sexiness of the message i
think that or
people are just getting
weird about skin yeah but is that
maybe the sexiness
of the message what it is is that you know
what you’re doing is you’re taking
uh lust to the next
levels cause
everything has got to go to the next
level now because we have this
crazy access to information
you know like
people are fucking way different than they fucked like
in like the 1970s yeah you know no one is accepting
you know lights out you know just
fucking and no
dirty talk no nothing
missionary style
roll over kiski and i go to
sleep no one’s accepting that everyone’s
going lobster
style yeah and this
is all because the internet because pornography has
changed the way people look at sex
and you know what they’re talking
about a lot of people are talking
about there’s a problem with
young girls
right now getting all sorts of problems with
their buttholes
because they’re having butt sex like
early and all the time yeah
there’s gonna be a lot of 30 year old
women in a couple years from now
just yeah the diapers on and that’s
gonna be the hot fashion
hot fashion
with your pampers oh my god no you know what’s
gonna be the big operation in
is not gonna be botox it’s
gonna be getting your butthole tightened
you get your butthole brought back to reality or
get like a filter that yeah for a
while you’re
gonna have to use a colostomy
bag for a little
while till your butthole
gets recovered from the surgery
that’s just real man that’s
what are these people doing
you know what they’re doing they’re getting it
they’re getting
everything to the highest
level possible
yeah that’s what
these piercings are
about that’s what
why guys think girls who are
tattooed up or sexy
what’s what’s sexy
about tattoos is if you have
tattoos you know how much fucking pain it
causes it’s
so goddamn painful yeah so you see someone with
tattoos like that’s someone who
doesn’t give a fuck
yeah you know that’s the sexiness of it but shit
we’re bananas man
our society is
going in a very very very very strange direction
oh it’s ridiculous
and it’s the
age of information
is not necessarily
aiding it entirely
because people aren’t
using the information
on the internet to make an objective opinion
they’re usually trying to find
stuff that reinforces
their own current opinion
very tempting thing
you know you got to look at like like
with ideas in the internet you got
to look at both sides of it but a lot of people aren’t
so it’s like almost helping retards be retarded
if they can find
other you know sites that say the
earth is flat and dinosaurs
lived with people six thousand years ago
as long as you can
you can find
plenty of sites if you look around
and tells you that
evolution is retarded
you could have plenty of science that will have
guys who are doctors
and they’re scientists
and they are telling people
they’re obviously
crazy but they’re telling people
that the earth is only
6 000 years old that carbon dating is not real and that
evolution is a myth
and that we had to come from
somewhere so there has to be a god and that the bible
can prove the
bible mathematically like they
start talking
nutty talk and
these are doctors and scientists
so if you just look for them
you’ll decide on their
point of view
you know i mean
if you just like look at any one side of any
issue you can you can get your answers reinforced
so the problem with that is
people are just getting
their answers reinforced or questions rather reinforced
they’re not necessarily like learning
you know they’re finding
other retards who have set up websites that confirm
their retarded ideas
you know that’s kind of a little bit of a problem
that’s one problem with the internet
you know the
other part of it is just magnificent the
other part of it is people who are open minded who are
really using it as this
crazy network of information and they’re really
learning like at this
incredible exponentially expanding rate like we’re
learning shit and we’re so much more
aware of shit than our parents were
there’s so much more
aware of information there’s so much more
shit going on that you have to
store in your head
i mean it’s
when i talk to my mom
about like the
world like what’s
going on in the world
i feel like i’m talking to my daughter
i mean it’s like
you know there’s a
level of understanding that our
generation has reached
that really hasn’t been reached before is that just an
age thing though no
it’s the internet man it’s the internet yeah
i mean it’s acceleration i mean i
think our parents were
smarter than
their parents and their parents are
smarter than their parents
and you know it’s always been that
way that we evolve and as we evolve we get brighter and
you can see that in
culture you can see that in like the
movies that used they used to
watch the 1940s
they’re fucking horrible
i mean they’re way
worse than the bad movies
it doesn’t even have to be the 1940s the
other day i
watch reality bites i don’t know if you remember that
movie had what’s his name
ben stiller
jeanine garofalo had all
these famous people awesome
sounds what was the
other one that
you were telling me that you made your girl watch
you oh yeah
you thought it was an awesome
movie at the time but it was fucking terrible
at you what
was that oh can’t buy me love
reality bites though
the mcdreamy
mcdreamy mcdreamy’s in it and he used
to mow lawns and he
paid the pop
all those bruss yeah
delivering pizzas is that the same one no
he paid the most popular girl to be his
girlfriend for a week and then he became too popular
and then she spilled cranberry juice on a dress
but i watched that the other day it was
awful but reality bites
horrible like really uncomfortable to watch
and then but the
worst disturbing thing is i used to have a
crush on jeanne garofalo back in that
time period
i thought she was like oh she’s a hot comic
girl she’s so hot
i looked at that
movie almost puked because how ugly she was
now i want to know what the fuck don’t be so mean
listen she’s
not thinking
don’t be rude that’s rude
you’re being rude no in the
movie her character
in the movie
your character in that
movie this is what abby you used to have different
tastes now you’re into like the pornstar look
that’s all cool
that’s all cool
you know but back then you
weren’t man
no that’s what it is everybody has a look if you
watched the
movie you could see the line
where makeup was that’s
ridiculous listen that’s not what’s important
what’s important is the
evolution of culture
what’s important in
this conversation is not your fucking weird
thing which mean
girl i ever
my i’m just saying i
evolved that
movie to me is all
i have it was
a movie like that like i
watched altered
states it was terrible
right alter
states totally does not hold up i mean to me
that movie changed my life because that’s the
movie that got me into the isolation tanks
if it wasn’t for altered
states i probably
never would have a tank in my basement
and when that tank in my basement has
changed the way i look at the
world that thing is like my
reset button whenever i got
anything that’s fucking with my head
that tank kicks me the real deal
every time it’s like
my guidebook it’s like
literally to me my isolation tank is like my
connection to the
spirit world it’s like my
spirit guide it
sounds completely retarded
and gay and
it sounds new aging
but that’s what it feels like when i get in there
and i just zone i just disappear my body disappears
when my mind has no sensory
input when i’m just
floating through
space in that tank
i get truth
i get straight
truth about
everything i’ve ever done
about anything that i’ve ever done
where i was the douchebag anything that i’ve ever
watched were
you know like i can like rewatch like
things that have happened in my life and see
where i’ve personally made mistakes
things that i’ve done well
things that i
could have avoided
reasons why people are
upset at me like
everything kicks you and then it kicks me
everything about
what am i doing
wrong in my personal life what am i doing
wrong in my career what am i doing
wrong in my comedy what am i doing
wrong in my writing
here’s what
you can eliminate here’s what you can do better
almost never like it’s
never a praising
thing it’s always like a ruthless
self examination experience
it’s never like
experience like
yeah i’m fucking awesome here i’m in the water
never it’s almost always uncomfortable
but after you get out of it man you have a new
found appreciation and respect for life
you know and that experience
would not have happened
if i didn’t
watch that movie altered states and
get confused
meanwhile i
watched it i couldn’t even
watch the whole
movie i shut it off
it was a piece of shit
those old movies just don’t hold
up like et i
watched that the other day
and you remember when
et was like i
could believe this is an
alien i saw the
other day and he’s like
et and he stopped and
he rocks when he stops i’m like why is he rocking
it’s so bad
it’s it’s amazing yeah the
technology available today a
random dude with a pc
who knows how to
encode three d
animation yeah he can make something
on computer and
and literally have a
texture to it and
everything it’ll be way better than eighteen
imagine when
you can do that with avatar graphics oh my god
it’s gonna happen what is that without be fifteen years
fifteen years
i don’t think
fifteen years
shit is happening so
quickly man
with the internet
with the level
of complexity that
they can pull off and animation now is just astounding
i mean avatar
still looked a little off
but the reason why they
got away with it looking a little off is that they use
monsters and shit that you don’t know in real life
so you know you look at
it and you go oh
that’s fake you can’t tell it’s fake but like you
watch like i am
legend i am
legend is the shit
but when they had
those lions you like get the fuck out of here
those lions look so bad did i hear they were making a
sequel to that oops oh that’d be so good
i love that movie that
movie was fun
the in the scene
where he shoots the lion
or he shoot he’s
going to shoot a deer and the lion takes out the deer
it looks so bad yeah it looks so corny and fake it’s so
it should be totally unacceptable like they really
should have to film in another way
like you should have to do it in the dark
where i can’t see it
or it happens so
quickly but what you show me is just dog shit for a
movie that’s that powerful
they can’t totally recreate real life
and because
of that they can’t totally recreate people yet
but they can really recreate
monsters shit
that they make up they can make shit that they invent
look fucking amazing like king kong
how good did king
kong that was awesome
i just saw that the
other day also and that
still looks good
dude i don’t even
watch that movie
you know what i do with that movie
i turn it on
to the scene
where king kong’s fucking shit up and you jack up
i almost do
i almost do
i scratch my
chest i get fucking crazy
dude hidden camera footage of you
watching king kong by your
stomach i might
start fucking
i’ve always been obsessed with primates i have a
giant poster of king kong it’s like twelve feet tall
throwing flashlights around like fucking apes all right
i have just a smidgen
more monkey in me than the average person
i feel i feel very connected to the
monkeys i get angry when i go to the zoo and i see the
monkeys in the cage i always want to let him out
it’s weird have you always been like that
i always think you’re
a little kid big curious george fan sicilian
man those are they are monkeys they’re way closer to
monkeys than regular people
there’s something about my my ancestors
the way they used to yell at each
other it’s just like going to the fucking chimps
my grandmother used to fucking
scream at my grandfather
she didn’t give a fuck that i was there
she didn’t give a fuck that i was
three or four or whatever the fuck i was
i’d be standing
right next to her she and my grandfather be like my
my grandmother was always late for
everything my grandmother was crazy
my grandmother did time
okay this is how
crazy my grandmother worked for the mom and she did
time that’s crazy
my grandmother’s bananas but she would fucking scream
joe don’t rush me joe
joe don’t rush me don’t fucking rush me joe
my grandfather’s name was joe her name was joe she
would fucking
scream at him and he would have to eat it
you are like a
monkey that’s like a chimp cage i was in the lion my
family my family was in the lion cage over at the zoo
yeah we’re just like
what’s up guys
yeah you always seem like a lion
if i had to describe you you know what what can
brian was an animal what would he be be a lion
and that’s why i’m a leo what are you
what’s your son
leah yarlia
that’s right they don’t have a
monkey sign if they had a
monkey sign i’m sure i’d be damn
i was a puma and you’re a
tiger do you get upset when you go to this
does that bother you it doesn’t
drives me fucking
i’m more like wow
tiger i don’t you
guys me fucking
i’m just not that deep i don’t i don’t care
about the dumb animals
like i don’t
freak out when i see a walrus fuck a walrus
kiss my ass yeah
give a fuck about you
you’re just dumb you know
what are you doing i don’t want
to kill you i don’t want to hurt you i don’t want to
cause you pain for no reason but
i don’t give a fuck
about you when’s your
movie zookeeper coming out
it’s not my
movies it’s your
movies kevin
james it’s your
movie fella
and it comes out in
october october
yeah have you
seen a preview or no
i’ve seen little clips
where i had to do
voice over shit it’s
gonna be fun yeah it’s a
funny movie
kevin’s hilarious he’s a very
funny guy he’s awesome at that
that whole physical comedy
thing and doing it with all
these animated animals
the animated animals look pretty fucking dope really
yeah they just they just change their
mouths and make their
mouths move they’re like real animals they have to
train real animals to do certain things
and then they like add animation to it
you know and then they have like
one guy in a
monkey suit
one guy it was really
funny walked into a car accidentally
knocked himself out
it was really fucked up
you know because he hit the
thing hard really
he banged right into
the door of this car and just fell over out cold
wow he didn’t see it coming and he walked
right into a door
this stuntman man
stuntman are fucking
savages no doubt
these guys are
nuts man the dudes that i met on fear factor
and the dudes that i’ve worked with
especially the guys on this
zoo keeper movie because there was a lot of
crazy stunts
i crashed a bike i
wasn’t supposed to be doing my own stunts
but i had this bike
scene with me and
kevin where
i’m chasing them and i’m yelling and i’m trying to
reach them i
crashed my bike
three or four hard times really hard times one
where i go over the handlebars
look are you
doing that far
onto the concrete
dude i went over the bars
i grabbed the front
brake accidentally
squeezed it too hard and i just went over the top
and i was only
one hand in it because i was trying to grab him
we’re just improvising the
scene dude i
launched myself
but somehow or another i was fine
like somehow another i this
whatever the
clear headedness or
the peace of mind
to gather myself you know i knew i was
going over this
and just land correctly
right you rolled or something something
i got lucky all the time the only
thing i did i got a scratch on my shin but dude i
crashed hard like four times i did the i
crashed recently
i could have easily broken a
wrist or something there was one time when i went down
where it was pretty fucking
hard i went over the handlebars and i got a hold of
i hit the ground
first with my
hands and then my face my chin hit the ground
but i absorbed
it and i pulled back enough it was like just enough
level headedness
where i wound up not and
because of jiu
jitsu i’m always falling you’re always
rolling with shit you get comfortable
with that here’s the ground it’s like it’s normal
it’s a normal feeling
dude i got fucked up i
could have lost some
teeth for sure yeah
i just got a bike recently
and i did the same thing
went over my
handlebars cause i hit a curb it was dark out and
i hit a curb and it didn’t like pop over it just went
straight down for something i
flipped over my bike
and i felt like my
teeth i’m like oh my god that’s
first thing i do is grab my
teeth but i landed okay
but i was like i
could have died
right there
yeah man that’s some
scary shit bicycles are fucking
scary when you’re falling man
yeah i just read some
article about some
woman who just got paralyzed from
horse racing
horse jumping the same as christopher reeve did
right jumping over
hurdles and shit like that that’s some
scary shit dude you don’t need to be doing that people
and taking it from a guy who’s involved in
ufc and just
jiu jitsu it
sounds ridiculous
but jiu jitsu
if you trust your partners
you’re pretty safe
man i mean i’m
doing it all the time and i’ve only been injured
a few times and one of the injuries was an old injury
you know i had one acl
and meniscus tear from my old
taekwondo days
and that one reinjured
first in jiu
jitsu and then i injured the
other leg but that’s over fucking
i’ve been doing
it now for 14 years that’s a long ass time
you know i only have a few
minor injuries and to roll like all the time
because most
of the time you’re rolling with dudes you can trust
and you know you’re not
gonna fucking dump each
other on each
other’s heads you’re not
gonna you’re not
gonna hurt each
other if you don’t have to
like when you get an arm bar or something you back off
before you know you know you know when a dude is god
you know you don’t hurt each other
so but you can
trust people you can’t
trust a fucking
horse you can’t
trust a horse
if a horse just decides fuck this
it just digs
those legs in you’re done son
you’re gonna go flying
you’re you’re on a
giant super
powerful animal an animal that’s so
strong it can run
like what fifty
miles an hour with a person on its back
are you fucking kidding me
you’re gonna go off like a pillow
you’re just
gonna go flying off you’re not even
gonna believe
how light you feel well that
horse just stops
and just throws his
muscular fucking
shoulders up
into it you just launch like you’re on a spring
head first right into the dirt
snap hear your neck
snap but how cool
would it be fuck if none of us had cars
cause like gas went out and we all had to get
horses we all had our own
horse and like
every time we
hung out we all had our
horses together
and that’s ridiculous
to be friends with what if a horse
breaks his leg you gotta
shoot him in the head i know i
think that’s terrible no but then we get a new
horse like our two of our friends horses
would mate and have
a baby horse
it would be cool just to have your own horse
brian was robin
you definitely had one
extra hit i
think should not have had that
third hit i
think it’s cool
i live in an equestrian
district when it’s nice
it’d be nice if you were with the
horse and you
treated it very well from the time it was
young so you had an awesome relationship with the
horse right
but that’s not always
gonna be the case
and it’s gonna be
like you go to a dog park with your dog there’s always
gonna be some douchebag with
his fucking dog that wants to bite everybody’s dogs
you know and that’s
gonna be what it’s
gonna be like with
horses man they’re too
you can’t trust people to
raise the horses correctly
so you’re gonna have a
bunch of horses out there that are douchebag
horses they’re
gonna get mad at your horses
you have douchebag wars gang wars
it would be awesome
this is the most
ridiculous conversation
we’ve ever heard what’s
crazy is that she
would be awesome to have a horse
what else brian
well i wish unicorns are real
no but is that not
what you get i get a pony
what if oil that’s
cause i can’t
get a pegasus what if we run out of oil or if we all
run out of oil and we all
go back to golf and we all go back to that that’d be
crazy if we had to go
back to work
it’s really
ridiculous how
short a period
of time i put this on my twitter this week
i was just thinking
about it how nutty it is that two hundred years ago
the fastest
way to get around was on the back of an animal right
two hundred years ago that’s nothing
and there was no
photographs the best way to get an
image of someone was to draw them
two hundred years ago
that’s nothing that’s a
blink in time
jesus christ
and it’s all because of
you know technology and oil unfortunately
it’s all because of oil
all the plastic all the shit we use i mean
how much is oil like embedded
in our life
it’s totally it’s the main
thing for almost all the
world religion and oil together
yeah well there’s
people that believe that religion and oil are
stuffed in together
you know on purpose just to make
it easier to control the oil
you know whether or not that’s
the idea that the cia is involved and all
these secret
shadow government
organizations are involved in creating
drama and turmoil
so that we always have an
enemy over there
and that’s a very real theory and you
know if you talk to people who understand
you know how the united
states is involved in
other countries
and how you know
we do sell arms to people like iran and
iraq and we do you know provide them with weapons and
we play both sides of the fence we provide
their enemy with shit too and
we create drama
you know so we can go in there and
clean it up
we should find a way to make
money off religion oil combining the two like
jesus oil i
think they already
have i mean
the people involved in the oil business are all
the people that are supporting the conservative right
but at this
point i think the concern
i think everybody’s involved
you know i don’t
think it’s just the conservatives i don’t
think it’s just
the republicans the democrats are just as like
i mean i believe
obama was in
favor of offshore
drilling you know i
think there
was so much pressure that we need to relieve ourselves
of the need for foreign oil that
they were in support of it i
think everybody
was in support of it look it seemed like a
great idea i
mean i thought
it was a good idea i’m like if they don’t
spill that shit and
doesn’t seem like they do very often
i was like well hey if they know what they’re doing
that’s the problem
if they know what they’re doing so i was in
favor of it too
until i saw this and i was like okay this is
crazy like i didn’t know that this
could happen
i thought that if something
breaks you just shut it off
you know i thought like you have
some sort of
a fail safe like i can’t believe they had no
backup plan
like this they don’t know the
exact estimate
but one of the
estimates is 40 000
they’re talking
about 40 000 gallons a day
that’s insane yeah
think of how much oil that is
well think how big the
ocean is but i’ve
heard hundreds of thousands i’ve
heard a million gallons a day i’ve
heard all these different
i’ve heard 400 000
but even if it’s a thousand gallons of oil a day
even that have you seen the slick
the slick is gigantic pretty fucking
great you can see it with a
satellite i hate seeing the animals that they’re like
cleaning off
their sponges and
stuff like that well one of the ways that people
are describing it they’re saying that it could be
apocalyptic like that was the language that they used
apocalyptic it just sells more
t shirts joe
is that what it is yeah
i don’t know dude it seems pretty look at look at
we’re looking at images
right now and you can’t see because you’re not here
but the streak is gy
fucking gantic
okay forty two thousand gallons of oil per day
that’s that’s what
these people are saying i mean who knows if they’re
right nobody’s down there with a fucking a measuring
spoon measuring
spoon measuring
spoon what the fuck am i even talking about
nobody’s down there measuring for real but
it is an insane amount of oil
and it’s leaking out
every day and they don’t know exactly how they’re
gonna stop it
and i heard someone last night
but this is a dude in jiu jitsu
class so who knows if he was telling me the truth
he could have been just talking out of his ass
but he was saying that they
could stop the oil but the way they
would have to stop it is blow up
the well they
would have to blow it up and if they did that the oil
would stop but then they’d
be fucked because they don’t want to do that because
they have this well down there they want to protect
and they want to be able to turn it back on
again eventually
if that’s true that’s insane
if there really
is a fix and all you have to do is blow it up
and they’re
worried because this company wants to
continue to pump oil out of there
number one is you
gotta stop what you’re doing
you gotta stop all this oil coming out
you know did you
build you built the well you
built it right you
built it you
gonna have to
build a new one
okay you can’t salvage the parts of this
while it’s bleeding oil into the ocean
i mean that’s bananas
like if there really
is a fix and the fix involves them destroying the
whole thing
you got to destroy the
whole thing
first and then rebuild it
i don’t care how many years it takes to make one of
those things it
doesn’t that
doesn’t mean anything
how many years is
gonna take to
clean up what the fuck he did can’t you just
get a ship of cat litter and put it on it
isn’t that what you do in the garage
imagine it was that simple
if cat litter just clung
to it and all you’d do is pour bags of it and make
these big gelatinous
cat litter and oil glob
boulders that be sitting on the bottom of the
ocean floor
and they would just
scoop them up
scoop them up
like one of those cat
that are spoons
it’s like more
sense than what
they’re doing now well they’re not doing anything now
they’ve tried to stop it and
they’ve cut it back a little bit
apparently supposedly from the most recent
reports but
as far as getting it stopped or even
under control
they’re not even close
they could be a week away from doing something
you know they’re talking
about putting some kind of
giant dome over it i mean the
whole thing is see that’s
ridiculous yeah it’s a superman
movie if it works in the garage it will work in the
ocean it’s fucking bananas the
whole thing is bananas it’s
literally gonna kill
everything in that area
i mean there’s the slick
i mean i’m looking
at the images when they show them to you online and it
doesn’t seem real
that does seem
crazy it does it
literally doesn’t seem real
look at this there’s images
if you go to
earth observatory nasa
gov you know you
could just throw that
picture and you
stream producer and show everybody
right now i can
yeah i don’t do that
save it on your desktop and then just
throw it in there god damn
brian you’re so
smart boink
image is slick
and put that on my desktop
and now i go to you
stream producer and i just drag that in
yeah this is not interesting at all
times that are listening online
how do i do this
i think you add
picture services picture mm hmm
right there open image file
image file that’s open video file
i think you clicked on
open image file let’s go down to your desktop
first look
let’s see if this works folks
what we did is we just
start yeah there we go we just started using
this thing called
ustream producer
and the reason why so now you can see
these ustream video podcasts on your iphone
and your ipad
you fucking junkies
you visual junkies
but look at that goddamn
slick if you’re looking at this on you
stream if you’re not
and you’re on itunes
check this out when you get home go go
google it go to the nasa site
and you see the size of this fucking oil slick
on a satellite
image and it’s bananas it’s really hard to grasp
it’s so big
and it’s just non stop and they don’t even have it
under control and
it’s just pumping
oil and i don’t know how the fuck they’re
gonna i don’t know how they’re
gonna fix that shit yeah
i don’t know i mean i don’t
think they know either man
i don’t think they know
yeah live shot
yeah and just
see now in the future you just keep that’s
pretty dumb
man powerful producer
software powerful
nice so uh you know
until we get off fossil fuels
we’re never
gonna be able to avoid
that happen when when oil
spills there was another one that just happened
where a and
in the malacca
strait an oil tanker exploded
and this was yesterday
in peck and baroo
i don’t know
where that is
a crude oil tanker was reported to have
exploded like they fucking explode that shit’s
flammable you know i mean
you can’t get away from that we have to
you know as a species
we have to get past that they have to figure out these
super duper
smart dudes have to figure out some new way you know
right now it’s so hard to do that because
their system is so oil
based and it works so well
i mean think
about how much we
travel think
about everything you do
basically is involved in
going somewhere and burning fuel
you know i’m never
i’m home for a few days
you know i’m home i’m here i mean i don’t sometimes i
never leave my
house at all for a few days
but there’s still like
i’m fucking
using electricity i
mean you know you’re constantly
using things that are made of plastic you’re constantly
consuming things that people are produced from oil
and i don’t see that change in
how the fuck is that
gonna change
we would have to come up with a new way
to restructure the
whole society so there
would have to be some sort of a reason to do that
to get away from the oil there
would have to be some drastic reason it
would have to be like a cataclysm
it would literally have to be something that
resets society and
causes us to
start from scratch
because unless we run out
and we’re not
gonna like pay attention
until we run out it’s
gonna be like
oh shit we’re out
fuck now we do
you know like
literally they’re not
gonna they’re not like protecting us and
giving us a nice
safety nasal society can progress easily from here
until then it’s not him
god i was like
yeah yeah potas always
think that it’s him man fucking pot man
and maybe it would maybe it would help
you know but that’s not gonna fix everything
it’s not gonna fix everything it’s it’s
definitely we’ve got to do something
this this oil
thing does not work
it’s i mean
there’s a lot of weird arguments
about what oil actually
is and some people believe that oil is some sort of
a natural substance created by the earth
there’s a whole book
i got on it
called black gold stranglehold
i haven’t bothered to research
online to find out if it’s been totally disproven
or whether it’s bullshit
but this guy’s
argument is that the oil isn’t fossil fuels
it’s not like really like
plankton or dead
plants or shit like that
what people assume that it is millions of years of that
but with a finite
amount left in the
earth but actually it’s some sort of a natural
fluid that’s produced by the earth
and if that’s the
truth if he’s
right and he’s probably not
right but if he is
right that’s like
the blood of the world
like we’re like little
vampire bugs
sucking off the
blood of the world
that’s too trippy man
even if fossil fuels i mean
i mean even if it’s not that
you know even if it is
the decay of
things that have
existed on this earth and
were consumed by death
and decayed and created this substance that we use now
even if that’s the case
then it’s like the shit of the earth
then it’s like we’re sucking the shit of the
earth out well either way
it’s like we’re sucking something
out that’s a part of some sort of a natural cycle
you know it’s all supposed to be in there
it’s like literally like
we’re like fucking mosquitoes man
we really are
like the earth is us
yeah the earth is us and we’re ticks
we’re ticks
sucking off the
blood and the most
progress that we’ve ever had in the history of our race
was when we
started sucking off the
blood of the earth
when we started
mother gaia when we
started eating our
mother that’s when
everything started
going awesome
that’s when they created cars and computers and
cell phones and
you know google
voice in your pocket
all that shit
is all because that we have this oil because we have
figured out a way to make shit out of oil and we can
transport shit with oil we could get
planes to fly
using oil and we
could i mean it’s fucking bananas
it’s what a
crazy society one
thing comes
along combustion engines
figuring out how to use oil
for plastic for fuel for all
these different things
and everything just goes ba nana’s
and then the question is what’s next have you
heard about the
smart dust shit yeah
dude cliffy b cliffy b our friend
cliffy b over at epic games sent me this
you gonna you gonna have to google this
you gotta google up smart dust
this is the most bizarre
thing that i think i have ever
heard in my fucking life these are
listen to this these these are wireless devices
that are the size of grains of sand
inside these wireless devices the size of
grains of sand they have the ability to
transmit wirelessly
they have a power source
they have the ability to receive
and send data
they have the ability to take images
it’s the size of a fucking
grain of sand what website is cnn this is on cnn now
it is fucking bananas and they’re literally talking
about this being this smart dust
being a real world web
and the idea is that wireless sensors
that you can use these wireless sensors to monitor
everything all over the world all the time like
literally there will be no privacy
so don’t you think this
smart desk probably would already have existed
you know if this was true
stuff it’s probably already here well it is true stuff
it’s probably in our room
right now you mean you think they’ve already been
using it and they’re just telling us about it yeah
cause wouldn’t they
use it first and then i think
science is pretty easy to track
i think it’s pretty easy to
track up to a certain
point like what people are capable of
but this i mean
because i don’t know if
the guys who make the most
money the top scientists
who they are incorporated by i’m not familiar with the
scientific world so i don’t know if
they get recruited by big corporations
or if they get recruited by the government i mean
who gets all
the best scientists you know who gets all the crazy
genius dude money
money does right
oil and well this thing is
this is a really bananas
fucking project it’s really hard to explain how
crazy this is
there’s a company called
street line that’s installed 12 000
sensors on parking spots
and highways in san francisco
and the sensors
what they know
is whether or
not there’s a car in that spot and what they’re
gonna do is they’re
gonna figure
out a way to give you data so say if you’re
i’m going 16th
street and fairbanks
you know i need
a parking spot is there any available yes there’s one
right here go get it
and they’ll tell you whether
or not there’s traffic headed to that parking spot
traffic’s clear no cars nearby
like you can fuckin
go they’ll tell you
where the traffic is like the
sensors on the
street will be able to pick up traffic
and they’ll know what
speed it’s moving at
there’s gonna be no more
speeding son they’re
gonna be able to know who you are and how fast you’re
going all the time
like that’s real
that’s gonna suck
that’s gonna fucking suck so there’s not
gonna be any
sports cars
no sports cars you’re
gonna have to
turn into shit and get some slow ass you’re
gonna have to only have horses
you and the
horses man because
horses you can’t
it’s not ethical
no the senses
yeah you can’t who cares about
speeding on
horses well the
sensors are
gonna be in the streets so they’ll be able to
tell you that your
horse is going too fast
there wasn’t a
speed limits when people had
horses right i don’t
think so it was actually better to go as fast as you
could you had the best
horse as fast as you
could you probably had the best
horse so we are
gonna go back if you fell
as fast as you
could you know
maybe we should take it easy and just
play it safe that’s why you have
leather shit on
leather’s just not
gonna help you when you land on
your fucking head on a cobblestone
street cause the
horse slaps
cause he saw a rat censored to protect it the
horse freaks out man sees a fucking raccoon and
you go flying
smash your head on the curb
that’s it horses
horses fuck boyle
well this real
world web that they are trying to create
is one of the strangest
inventions that i
think i have ever
heard about
i did not know that they were this far
along i mean
these smart dust
sensors can be relatively
small and portable
what they’re talking
about with this
is that they’re
going to have trillions of
these things all over the world
i mean this is the idea behind it
is this even possible though or is this just theories
if you were packards involved and
they’re calling it the central nervous
system for the
earth in the coming years the company plans to deploy
a trillion sensors all over the planet
what how bananas is
first of all
how bananas
is it that someone’s letting them do that like you’re
gonna do what
like can’t we vote on this
before you put
yeah why can’t we vote on
it seems like we have to
vote jesus christ
you know there will be no privacy
there will be no privacy it will be impossible
someone will be able to detect
everything this
can’t happen because then if it’s like this
then we can put
sensors in the
white house yes it can yes it can
dude i’ve been
saying for a long time that i believe that the next
stage of human beings
is going to be
the no secret
stage that’s
gonna there’s
gonna be some i mean it’s
gonna be eventually it’s
gonna get to the point
where we can see each
other’s thoughts
and we can communicate with each
other and read each
other’s minds and memories and ideas and we get each
other’s ideas directly from each other
that’s the next stage
but it’s not
gonna go directly to that
it’s gonna take a little pit stop
along the way
and the pit stop is gonna take
along the way is no more privacy
that’s step number one
before the interface before
human beings are allowed to interface with each other
before we’re allowed to
become one gigantic
wireless mind
and that’s possible and
probable i think that’s the future i
think there’s
gonna be some sort of a neural
connection that
allows everybody to connect with everybody
but before that happens
they’re gonna have to come up with something like this
before that happens there’s
gonna be an intermediate
step and an intermediate step will be no more privacy
you’re gonna be able to
watch people fuck
you’re gonna
be able to see everything
all the time
maybe we’re looking at the negative part of this
i don’t think
now we can see yeah now we
can say now we can see people fuck i
could fucking
watch you yeah but i
watch you fuck
not with my narrow
blocker i’m gonna make
when make my narrow
blocker i got the latest shit yo
that’s what the problem everybody’s
gonna have the latest
shit yeah it’s
gonna be like computer
viruses you’re
gonna have to always be one step up
do you know there’s something like
fucking four thousand newcomer was at 440
how many computer
viruses are created a day
but at some
point fucking
crazy number i almost said bananas
again which
would have been annoying
but caught myself
think about how
crazy that is yeah they’re
gonna get to a
point where
i mean how many is that 42
how many are out there
who gives a fuck
our point is
ladies and gentlemen
that our privacy
is slowly going away
and i think that that is a part of the natural
evolution of the
human race i
think that the
human race is
evolving to something that is no longer
deal with embarrassment
it’s no we’re
gonna have a different
set of needs
because our environment has
changed so radically
from what our physical biology is coded for
that it’s forcing this sort of an evolution
technology is forcing us
to evolve socially
as what as it is
evolving like technologically
like as they come up with
crazy and crazy shit that dissolves
boundaries more and more
were forced to play catch up
and that’s what’s
gonna happen if
we get to a point
where there’s no more privacy then we’re
gonna realize how
ridiculous privacy is in the
first place
you know we’re
gonna realize how
ridiculous embarrassment is and shame is
and all the
stupid shit
like my daughter
never once admit when she shitting
and she’s fucking too she
never wants a
minute you pooping right now
she’ll like
shake her head no
making making shit faces
you know she
doesn’t want you to
touch her like
they get embarrassed it’s like
it’s almost a natural coating
in our system
and i think eventually all that
stuff is gonna deteriorate
i think it’s
gonna dissolve it’s
gonna be crushed
by innovation
i think that’s what’s
gonna force us to catch up
cause it’s like
the things that we accept
as part of our normal
culture and the way we behave
a lot of it is just what we get used to
i mean think
about the shit that people get used to in
other countries
think about the
cultures and
the weird traditions
that people have been a part of like throughout history
amish people and
people who have
plates in their lips and
nutty motherfuckers
do all kinds of different rituals all over the world
you know it’s all what you get used to
you know we’re just used to privacy
we’re used to it
it’s not necessary it’s
gonna be more important for us to get rid of douchebags
it’s gonna be more
important for us to realize the importance of educating
human beings and raising
human beings
that think correctly
and to be responsible for the
human beings you create and raise
like you’re
responsible for your fucking dog biting something
but you’re not responsible for your son
you know like
becoming a mass
murderer you know then it’s just oh he got
crazy i don’t know what happened
you know if your son kicks someone’s ass
and does a bad
thing to someone and
breaks their property
you can get sued
and you will
have to pay for that kid’s medical expenses
and you have to but
if your son
is some fucking mass murderer i mean what are they
gonna do they’re
gonna sue you
what are they gonna do
maybe they don’t even put you in jail you
should go to fucking jail
you made a monster
you made someone who likes to kill hookers
how did that happen
oh it just happened we don’t even know
the fuck you don’t know you did something terrible
you were so shitty
at raising a
human being
that you raised a
human being that likes to kill
and eat other
human beings
cause sometimes that’s totally just
nothing to do
with parents i don’t believe that you don’t no so you
think i think there are some
things that happen to people genetically i certainly
think so what do you
think i think you should be
able to recognize that yeah but that’s not
how you connecting gay people serial killers
because that’s something that they’re not
trained to do you mean that you mean
they weren’t raped like parents
just a deviation
in sexual desires this that’s just just
that’s how you look
some people’s eyes are blue some people’s eyes are
brown see people like you know
that’s just
it just wires get
crossed this person likes
to get suck dicks this person likes to stab somebody
how your brain know
about that man
sociopaths they’re not exactly sure
where that comes from
and it’s not necessarily that every
serial killers are sociopath some people are just
obsessed and insane and broken and they have a lot of
other issues
but they think that
there’s a lot
more sociopaths people that don’t care
about other people’s feelings a lot more than you think
yeah and they don’t know though whether
it comes from nature or nurture i just can’t think
like all right
a lot of speculation like
your dad molestes you you stab somebody
or your dad lets you
watch anger
and when you
know it’s not
watching horror movies
if anything that’s been proven that
watching horror
movies and playing
video games
is a release according to todd hallingshead
from id software he and i were having a conversation
about this the
other night
when he was saying that violence
among kids has gone down
since popularity in
video games and violent
video games has gone up
that it has sort of a cathartic
release sort of a
thing and that’s what they believe in
japan too i
think it’s turning us into
superhumans with
i think there’s better driving from
video games
the other day somebody just the
world record for sniper shooting
a guy shot somebody
a mile and a half away
you know i think that
video games that’s from
video games i
think video games hand
eye coordination is off the fucking hook i mean
if you think
about it like
how much it is like for people that play
video games all day it’s all
about hand eye coordination it’s about
you know shit like that and what’s amazing is that
they use the same controller for the xbox for those
drones yeah
they use the
xbox controls and playstation controllers there you go
they’re used to doing that right
i mean if they
allow him to choose
if you know you get to the army of guys like can
you do playstation i’m more of an xbox sort of a guy
i think they do that they
have different
well we i like
you remote xbox to me
is like you know it’s like
marvel vs dc
there’s never a dc kind of a guy like marvel
right you know
well fucking ps3 i ain’t fuck your playstation
those are faggy
sure there must be dudes like
that out there totally they go into the army but say
man i was pissed off i had to play with the playstation
i kill people with a playstation remote
until they’re mad i wanted to represent xbox
for my country
the navy is all we nintendo we yeah
yeah they’re all just
kidding you know but they they do
pilot those
drones with
with the same controllers which is really crazy
when i when i first
heard that that they do that i was like that is genius
make sense i mean why not
these kids they grow
up and they’re so goddamn coordinated with that shit
you wanted someone to be awesome at killing
people with remote controlled devices who the fuck
would you get besides that yeah
they’re the masters
well they use it now in the army they use
video games for
going into cities and
stuff they have like
call of duty shit dude it’s
crazy if you really
watch like some
young kids that are badass
video game players like
i got a chance to
watch this dude
named fatality
his name is
jonathan wendell i
think is his name i met him in
vegas too is a really cool guy
he’s a ufc fan i met him at one of the ufcs and
he lives in
vegas and this dude is the number one he was at
least at one
point in time the number one
quake player in the world
and i got to
see him play live once it was at e3 the big
thing in the
conference whatever the fuck it is convention
in los angeles
and i got to see him play
quake live it was ridiculous
quake is like fast
twitch muscle
fibers it’s all like
what quake is if you’ve
never played
quake before and
good for you because that shit will addict
the fuck out of you that that shit
ate up years of my life
it’s an awesome game
and you’re in this
three dimensional
world it’s a
first person
shooter so you’re holding a
rifle or a rocket launcher or something
and you’re running through
these really complicated
three dimensional mazes and you’re fighting
other people in near real time
and it is real
time if you hook the two computers up and you play
against each other
it’s so fucking fun
it’s so fun it’s so
crazy it’s fucking
bananas i almost said bananas
again god damn it
rockets are flying and rail guns and you’re
electrocuting dudes with a light gun
lightning gun
lightning bolt gun
so much goddamn fun i
watch this dude play this guy live like he played like
challengers like people
would step up and play him
it was the most the most
ridiculous rape you’ve ever seen in your life
it would be like brock lesnar
fighting my cat
that’s what it was like i mean
these guys would just get destroyed and you
watch this guy’s like hand eye coordination like man
that’s incredible
to get that
good at one specific type of game to get locked in
you know that’s totally applicable
for like warfare right
fuck we’re learning how to kill people in
video games just like that starfighter movie
remember that movie
where they went and they put a game out to
see who would be awesome remember war games
it was like all
based off like a
video game or something
like that was gonna cut into the world
yeah matthew roger was a
see that’s see that’s a movie you can’t
watch nowadays because that’s just gay if you
watch that you’re
like this is the most unbelievable bullshit ever oh
i watched aliens the
other day when i was watching
aliens they had the scene
where he was talking
to the computer and the computers like old ass text
they haven’t even figured out a
graphic user interface back then
there was like no idea that that
would ever take
place it was like
computers were all
lights all around you for no reason
everything was all lit up and big and stupid
it’s like oh that’s your computer yeah that’s
how ridiculous is that it’s like star trek
it’s just yeah
so who knows what the fuck is ever
gonna happen with this
smart dust shit but
you know i find
it amazing that this is something that’s on you know
cnn labs on
you know on the internet but i’m not hearing
about this anywhere
is anybody hearing
about this sure that was was that published
april first by the way
no may third
no just double checking
it seems ridiculous
no it was yesterday it does seem ridiculous
but it was yesterday
so this is a real project a real
thing i mean if that’s really happening
right now i mean are they gonna
let us know
when it goes live
i just don’t see how like
the government’s
allowing that dude they’re just doing it
there’s no there’s
no precedent yeah but it’s like google
maps there i mean they’re
they’re doing some nutty shit man
they’re just
just i mean google maps actually has gotten in
trouble for a few
things there has been some
some disputes
about what they are oh yeah
whole cities
not be allowed
yeah but what
these guys are doing is
you know i think that they probably
feel like they’re just creating a network you know
i don’t know i don’t i mean
maybe they’re exaggerating the capabilities
maybe there’s some dispute
about what’s
gonna be possible and what’s not
gonna be but the bottom line is they’re not
gonna stop here
they’re not
gonna stop with this
you know if this is something they’re creating in
2010 what the fuck are they
gonna have in 2020
you know what are they
gonna have in two thousand thirty
there’s there’s
gonna be some nutty shit son
it’s getting
fucking crazy
it’s like us talking
about 10 years ago and nothing really
like oh we don’t have vcrs anymore we have blu ray
you don’t think a lot of
things have changed in 10 years yeah to a
point but then you also
think like on
a high end level
well not done with the high end but it
the higher end of technology
things have changed drastically like with the
large hadron collider and
those guys in
i think it’s
massachusetts that are trying to recreate a sun
they’re trying to figure out how to make a fucking sun
what is that about i don’t even know
i don’t even know the exact
specifics of that case
you know i’ll
look it up scientists trying to create sun
so ufc coming up
that’s crazy that he injured his
shoulder hit
that’s not this ufc that was another one
which one’s the future one i think his is
he was on the undercard of
rashad evans i think i don’t know
be honest with you
yeah nuclear fusion
scientist attempt to create artificial sun on earth
oh nothing’s gonna happen
wrong there that’s definitely gonna be fine
they’re gonna make a fucking sun
we’re gonna have little portable suns that
exist all around the
earth and that’s
pretty sweet
you know yeah
unless it blows up like the fucking
oil tank no what if you have your own portable sun
that just followed you around and kept you warm yeah
unless it blows up like the fucking oil tanker
could you imagine yeah
why do you always look at the bright side of
things why do you always look at the bad side of things
together we’ve worked out we’re like the odd couple
like tom and jerry there’s two
things on the shoulder like the devil and the angel tom
and jerry that’s animal house son
remember animal
house yeah it’s on everything i guess
yeah it’s been on a million
things there was
a comic that used to do an act like
that norm mcdonald was making fun of him remember oh
yeah remember he had like
a logical logical
left brain right
brain um so
look we don’t
know what the fuck is really happening with the
smart dust but
you got to read
imagine snorting
this you got people are
gonna find a way to take his snort
make get high off of it
this is this
i got high off the
smart dust dude
hp shit yeah
this is hilarious the research that
this is despite
these differences researchers say the
smart dust theory
that monitoring
everything will benefit
humanity remains
essentially unchanged
they believe this will benefit
humanity to monitor everything
maybe i think they might be
right i think we might have to accept the fact that
technology is going to keep moving forward and if
technology keeps moving forward what is the end result
what’s going to be the end of the rainbow what is
is there a singularity as ray kurtz will would say or
you know terrence mckenna says you know time wave zero
you know is there a moment of
ultimate novelty
a moment where they create something that’s so fucking
crazy that it changes everything
this is probably the beginning man
this smart dust shit is probably the fucking beginning
you know google is probably beginning
that yeah google is a part of it man google
is that browser that chrome browser is fucking amazing
it’s my favorite browser by far yeah so this
this nuclear fusion
thing this is the scientist trying to create this
this actual artificial sun or
a natural sun i
guess it would
actually be a sun i mean it’s made out of the same
elements that a star is made out of
right i mean if it’s a sun it’s a sun
it’s like a fake tit right
maybe it’s a fucking sun
well maybe they’re just you
throwing that name sun around
it’s just a really hot
light bulb yeah
well it just
seems wait wait wait what’s a sun it’s a planet no it’s
if you want
to if you want to look it up it’s in the telegraph
as of yesterday
oh no okay no it was published
in says it was published in 2008
2008 all right
there’s a host so i
think they’re moving no it’s not a hoax
dude they’re moving oh my god look at it there it is
right there
jesus christ
this image of this
thing is like a fucking x men
inside the target chamber
where scientists will attempt to create an artificial
sun what the fuck man
yeah but what’s the latest update
i don’t know research shows that
these two guys were just smoking a lot of weed
i don’t think your son
didn’t exist
they just made it in paintbrush
it’s pretty fascinating
when you listen to it
well it seemed an impossible goal for nearly
100 years scientists now believe they are at the brink
on the brink rather of
cracking one of the biggest problems in physics
by harnessing the
power of nuclear fusion
the reaction that burns at the
heart of a sun they really
think they could do this
are people allowed
to have like the ingredients to make a sun
you know it seems like you shouldn’t be allowed
to make have the ingredients to make sons well i mean
look we can look they the manhattan project
basically harness the
power of a sun you know it’s a nuclear energy is
right right
so you’re not
allowed to buy weed but you’re allowed to make
nuclear explosions
fireball this is sort of an older
story it seems like i’m fine it from
2008 with no no updates
find one of the sciences
names and then just google that guy’s name and then
under more options and google
put the last month
you crazy fuck
yeah seems like december twenty seven two thousand
eight is when the
now here’s two thousand nine
again uh oh
oh they’re trying to make it in
two thousand eighteen that’s when they believe it’ll be
but the bottom line is
some shit is fucking happening
that’s the bottom line
these while we
think about
tiger woods and
you know do you hear the new show that
put together
they’re trying to put together
a show where
tiger woods mistresses are gonna
get together with
jesse james mistresses
and they’re gonna
search for love they’re
gonna have like a game show you serious
all together
would you hear to make it a porno out
of the one main porn star that supposedly fucked with
tiger woods making a porn now with
tiger woods
look alikes
you could make
real shows with all
those girls and people
would tune in
every week you
could just put them as a cast
that’s what they
should do like any scandal that comes out they
should take the cast members and put them as a cast on
other shows
like you know like they’ll
start out with like
you know you put them on the apprentice
you know like
see if you can figure out a way to make a business you
know now you know you don’t have any more
money coming from tiger
you got to figure out what you’re
gonna do you’re
gonna have to make money
and you’re in the public eye so let’s put you on tv
so they get on the
apprentice and they try to figure out if they can
start a business well that’s no good
well oh i always wanted
to be a singer okay american idol you put them all
the whole american idol the
whole season
tigers mistress
well you can’t sing can you
dance and put them on dancing with the stars all
the whole season
tigers mistresses on dancing with the stars
you know i mean
i mean how many more fucking
how many more of these
stupid stories can we have
while many shit is
going on like people trying to create suns
and you know and
these little tiny
sensors that go over the
world how many people are
aware of this
smart dust stuff
the amount that this
should be a huge fucking story this
should be something that makes everybody’s jaw drop
where you step back and go what are they
going to do they’re
going to monitor everything
what does that mean
what exactly does that mean i mean
what is it gonna
start with just little bits of information like
there’s a person in this area is it
gonna eventually get to a
point where they can have your image
and you can see
everything everywhere
and eventually
are they gonna get to a
point where you’re
gonna be able to tap into that shit with your fucking
brain it just seems like there
should be voting before this
would ever happen
for real but there’s not there’s no voting on whether
or not we go to afghanistan you vote a president in
and then the president gets
to decide all sorts of fucked up shit that nobody wants
if you allowed the american people to decide 90
of the shit we got involved in
would never happen so we have it set up
where you don’t get to decide
you get to decide on who gets to decide
that’s what you get to decide on
which is fucking ridiculous
the idea that one guy should be
trusted to fucking run everything
in this day and age
where as much as we know
about how complicated the
world is that’s fucking
nonsense that’s
total nonsense
but yet we accept it
the right way to do it
would be to have everybody vote on
things the problem with that is
people are fucking
stupid they’re really easy to
manipulate you
could tell them all sorts of shit that’s not true and
the dumb ones
would all buy it
and the dumb ones are more than half
so now what do you do
so it’s almost like you have to have someone who you
think is pretty
smart to get into
power so that he can make the decisions
for you guys and look out for your best interest
but that’s when
money gets involved and they get fucking
corporations and the corporations come the long money
to make sure
that you get an office once you get an office
like yo man like we really like
the oil that we’re getting from the
amazon jungle and we like to keep getting that shit and
you know there’s some
places we like to cut down some trees
a lot of bitches hating
you know and they go
i got you i got you i got you you want cut down trees
tree son is what we do
gonna go over there we
give them a
giant ass loan they can’t pay back and then when
they can’t pay it back we’ll jack them take their shit
and we’ve been doing that
since fucking the beginning of time
there’s there’s
money involved and when there’s
money involved you can
never have real power
you know the real
power can’t be isolated in one area
they can’t be like
all this influence
where like one
group or one person or one one one organization
gets to control shit
because then everybody’s
gonna be trying to kiss ass
to that organization to get them to do what they want
so they can they can conduct business
and that’s what we’re dealing with
that’s why people can’t vote for everything
because a real democracy
wouldn’t work
we’re fucking
babies we’re infantile
there’s no way
with the way
we’ve been live in our society like there’s some big
daddy looking out for us
you know there’s no way we can go from that to like
being able to be
completely free and vote for
everything that happens it’d be too complicated
right now that’s just
gonna take a long time but i don’t
think it’s ever
gonna happen
i think something’s gonna
just bypass it and launch our
culture and launch our
into the next
stage i think we’re
never gonna
evolve as we are
in this form
i think this form
is all about
fucking and violence and
chaos and laughter and nonsense
that’s this life that’s this life this
life is all about love
and friendships and shit you like to do and fun
and it’s hang on
hang on to the big ship that is humanity
because some shit is
gonna change
and you’re about to go through a new door
and when we go through that new door
all this shit that you’ve been
worrying about
about whether or not you
should get a mac or a pc
or whether or not you’re a democrat or
republican or
whether or not you like family guy or fucking
fuck those hugs i
like south park
you know that’s all
gonna be nonsense
when the big change happens
and i think it’s coming
i think it is really fucking coming and i
think you see
things like this little
smart dust thing
and you see
things like people trying to create suns and you see
things like
what’s going on with the fucking oil
spill where there’s
gonna be some radical changes the
way people approach extracting oil from the ground now
people are gonna demand this is
gonna be a catastrophe
you know i think some shit is
changing dude
i think shit is changing
it’s freaky
it’s freaky to
think that this the
ridiculous notion of
2012 being you know the end of
humanity that is a date you can actually track
that it seems like it’s happening that way
i would not be shocked
if december 21st
2012 actually does turn out to be
some sort of
crazy invention
or insane innovation that catapults
the human race into the next
stage of existence you know what it’s
gonna be it’s
gonna be nothing
it’s gonna be
completely nothing it’s
gonna be like
turning 2000
it’s gonna be like the computer
virus at 2000
it might not be dude or it
might happen before then i mean it
might be a rough
estimate but i
think there’s
gonna be something that takes place
and i think it’s
gonna involve
i think la is
gonna have a bad
earthquake i
think that’s
definitely gonna happen i
think so yeah i
think that’s just
lately i every day on my
chrome or my homepage
the thing that pops up is my google page and one of the
things my widgets
is the earthquake map
for los angeles
and if you’ve been
watching ever
since that earthquake in san
diego for the lot what was that
month and a half ago you an earthquake
expert or is this just rambling
no this is i see the same
i’ve been following
just as a hobby i
guess for the last
seven years
i go to this website
that just shows like the
earthquake map
see dude if you believe in the
secret you’re creating
right now no no no i’m not but anyway
like manifesting it current
and ever you’re a
freak you go to a goddamn
earthquake projection center
yeah it just shows you the
earthquakes recently
but ever since the
san diego earthquake
there has been so much activity in mexico like maybe
maybe a hundred times more than
it normally is
like just well it turns into a big ass earthquake
right under the
house of some
crazy mexican
drug dealer i know that’s i’m saying you need to
a layer drug dealer
layer map over this google map to see what’s going on
because ever
since like a
month and a half ago it’s been
retarded so do you have a fear of
i don’t have a fear
but i’m interested in them and it’s just weird like
every day like right
the last whatever couple days
week there’s been nine hundred and twenty
earthquakes in la saint
or in california
and usually that
hovers about that same number
lately though
almost all of them have been in san
diego so much shit that can fuck us up man
there’s so much shit that can
fuck us up i have an
earthquake fetish that’s right
oh i got another good
story let me make a
few about how
about this guy who the
creep you have to pee
you have to make you
feel like it you can’t even hold on i tried
wait i’ll pee in the flashlight
don’t do that go go in the bathroom
rude while you go in the bathroom i’ll take questions
and when he comes back from the bathroom we’re
gonna talk about this dude his name is george wreckers
and he is a christian
right leader
and he just got busted with a twink
i love these stories
man this dude is like this real staunch anti gay
activist he’s a board
member of something called the national association for
research therapy
of homosexuality
it turns out he’s really gay
it turns out
that you know he was trying to pass all this
legislation he was
he’s in the american
college of pediatrics
or of pediatricians
and apparently the
american college of
pediatricians that’s like the name of it
but it really like they hand out
literature according to this one website
accusing gaze of
something called coprophilia c
o p r o ph i l i a
which means sexuality
while playing with shit coprophilia so they’re accusing
gaze of this
coprophilia this failure this obsession this sickness
and you know and saying how terrible gays are and how
adopted children that are
adopted to gay families are all fucked up
and meanwhile this dude the entire time
was banging dudes it’s really goddamn classic
he was caught on vacation with something called a rent
boy he went to rent boy calm
rent boy calm
and this is what he advertised for
the guy this is the guy that he went with
he has a smooth
sweet tight ass
and a perfectly
built 8 inch cock uncut
and he explains
that he is sensual wild and up for anything
so they catch this dude george
wreckers of
north miami
they catch him
the leading scholar
for the christian right
they catch him at the terminal with his gay
escort and start taking pictures
and this is
what the guy’s excuse was he says i had surgery
i can’t lift luggage
that’s why i hired him
that’s fucking
awesome that is pretty good that’s awesome take
the party rent
boy dot com
i mean if you were a gay dude and you were so
tired of people fucking with other gay dudes and said
coming up with all
these laws and make it impossible for you to get
married and make it more difficult
for you to adopt children
and make it more difficult for you to you know get
all sorts of shit you know
that shouldn’t be
denied from you because of your
sexual preference if you’re not doing anything
to harm anybody else
it’s ridiculous they would even
entertain that there’s something wrong with it
this one motherfuckers just
going off just
involved in so much so much legislation so much
so much activism
against homosexuals
and meanwhile this
fucking dude
advisory roles with congress the white
house department of health and human services
and testifying at a state’s witness in a
favor of florida’s gay adoption ban
this motherfuckers
going to rent boy com
and getting twinks
he’s getting
twinks if you know what
twinks are twinks
are the little boys the gay dudes like gay dudes like
19 year old boys are like
i don’t have any muscle on they look like little boys
they call him twinks
this dude was
going to get in
twinks is like i had surgery
i had surgery
wow i thought twinks was
twilight fans or something like all no
no twinks the original
twinks is a little
little gay dudes
my mom’s rude then because she was calling me a twink
wow it’s called you twink
i’m sure your mom
doesn’t know what that means your mom’s
got some fucking betty boop
definition of twin
i think somebody that likes hard
candy shit she
heard on little rascals
you know what the fuck does she know that
over i just this is like the ted
haggard case
just as good
it’s like so many of
these cases there’s
been so many of them it’s almost impossible to man
you know god was that guy’s name that was
he worked mark faber
he was another guy right
there’s been so many of them so many people that
are that are that are anti gay that turn out to be gay
it’s uh was
favor the one that was
trying to bang kids he was trying to bang he was gay
and he was trying to bang his
assistance and his what are
those congressional pages that’s what he’s doing
think this is named
favor whatever
if it’s not
you know the fuck i’m talking about
the it’s so many of
these guys that are trying to fight
against gay people
and trying to stop people from doing things
and they turn out to be gay
how do they not know that people are
gonna check
this teenage
how do you how
do you not know that if you’re a guy who’s like just
spending an exorbitant amount of time
trying to fight
the gay agenda
trying to stop gays from having the same
rights as straight couples
trying to just suppress people
what do you
think they would look at you
what do you
think they would
check you out yeah
it seems like it’s so
weird when it’s
always the loudest person that it’s always
it’s an incredible the suppression of
others for no reason when
you look into someone trying to suppress someone else’s
wants and desires for no reason
you have to
look at that person and you have to scrutinize
where they’re coming from because that’s not natural
that’s not a natural
thing like why
would you care they’re gay they’re having
fun you know what do you give a shit as long as he
doesn’t try to fuck you
you shouldn’t have a problem with them
you know there’s a
bunch of gay people
they find the
other gay people they have a good
party together who cares why do you care
you know it
doesn’t make
sense if you
care but if you do care and you’re out there
fighting it man
we got you we know now
it’s like it’s obvious
it’s all of you
you know i mean
how many of you how many of you the larry
craig guy i mean how many of you have to get busted
it’s it’s it’s
fucking bananas
shit bananas
got bananas
bananas this
you should be sponsored by chiquita i should be
yeah but i’m
gonna be sponsored by the
first flight because
fucking my manager and kiss my ass i
by the way i can’t stop thinking
about this right
don’t fuck it
don’t fuck it i kissed it
tastes real too ew dude
i hope some big fat
sweaty dude was well
inspected by number 20
yeah good it’s
good up my butt
it feels perfect
i love it love it
yes another senator
they got busted
watching porn in congress that’s hilarious
yeah there’s too many fucking people out there telling
other people how to live
their lives it’s
ridiculous and we shouldn’t tolerate it anymore
you know a certain
point in time we have to say fuck you that’s enough
you know it’s too it’s too crazy
and every one of them that are telling people
what to do with
their lives and what they shouldn’t be doing it
doesn’t hurt them
every one of them are fucked up across the board
whether they’re
muslims that
wanna throw rocks at you for drawing
pictures of muhammad or dancing
or the fuck it is whether it’s catholics whether
no matter anybody that’s
trying to suppress your behavior they’re all fucked up
if you’re not hurting anybody else
you’re fine
nobody’s got this
thing wired
nobody nobody is control of the fucking oil
nobody knows what’s happening
the oil is pouring down the ground
forty thousand fucking gallons a day brian at
least who knows
there’s no no answers folks
and that’s important because if we’re ever
gonna get past
where we are now we have to realize that no one
isn’t we can’t leave
the control
to like someone who we
think is like
more qualified than us and someone who’s on it like
obama or the idea of
obama or some any guy being president and being on it
you can’t be on the world
you can’t be on the country it’s impossible nobody can
and we have to accept that and
until we do
we’re gonna fucking hurt a lot of control
i agree and even if we do accept it i
think it’s it’s too late
i think what’s
gonna save us and what’s
gonna change us is technology that’s what i think yeah
totally i think when we realize i
think we’re slowly starting to realize
how full of shit people are
we’re slowly
starting to
as we get more and more intrusive into people’s lives
where we’re you know
we’re exposing like another level
of you know
understanding of
human beings
in busting politicians and busting
i mean there was
no like that guy that got busted elliot
what the fuck’s his name and spitzer
spitzer yeah in new york
i mean nobody
got busted like that before nobody’s ever got we’re
happy to see
in jail now
well you know that guy was a guy that was very
vocal about the
market about the
market being all fucked up and corrupt and
you know and talking
about all these companies
and he believes
that that’s one of the reasons why they went after him
and that’s why
the one of the reasons why they prosecuted him
prosecuted him
meanwhile guy was busting
people for prostitution and he was
using prostitutes
you know he was like
that was like another example
he was a guy that was like all adamant
against we’re
gonna stop prostitution like
oh what a good
thing to stop
you stop people getting
their dick sucked like what
why would you do that why why do you give a shit
you’re gonna really put so much
effort into that
well it turns
out the reason why he’s doing is because he’s
covering up the fact that he’s
using them like
wouldn’t he is no different than all
these crazy gay
activists that are
secretly gay
you know he’s hating
he he is trying to
cover it up
so we should look at
anyone that’s like a huge like loud person on a certain
topic like the guy
that like slim jims that went
to snap into slim jims probably
hates him no
no no you’re
not seeing it
correctly at all
that’s i know your time i was just joking i know you
are what we have
to look in is anyone this is the formula in my opinion
this is what i’ve seen to have
drawn out of it
you have to look at anyone
that is trying to suppress the behavior
or the desires
of anyone else
where it shouldn’t concern them
whether it’s someone who is
trying to stop you from
whatever the fuck
it is whether it’s masturbation whether it’s anything
they’re trying to suppress
your desire if they’re trying to stop you from
marrying other gay people you stop gay rights
look at them
look at them find out what the fuck it is
they’re trying to suppress prostute we
gotta stop prostitution
find that guy
he’s getting his dick sucked he’s paying for it
he’s a fucking
freak he’s a
freak and he’s crazy
all the people that are trying to suppress people
from doing things
that don’t affect
the person who’s trying to stop them from suppressing
things just
leave people the fuck
alone and if you don’t
leave people the fuck alone
you’re the problem
you know that’s really what it is
this elliott spitzer guy you know yeah
maybe you were exposing
you know these
these flaws in the market
maybe you were exposing corruption
but guess what douchebag
you were also getting people locked in a cage
because somebody gave so many
money to get
their dick sucked
which is fucking nonsense
in two thousand
ten you can
you can go to jail
because you can suck someone’s dick for free
but if they give you five dollars you’re a bad person
that’s ridiculous
it is ridiculous
that’s completely
ridiculous and then
any anyone who’s trying to suppress anybody else’s
desires or needs
and they’re trying to suppress them
in a way that you know it has nothing to do with them
you got to look at them
they’re all they’re
all fucked up they’re all doing something shitty
yeah i agree i’m glad you agree with me
that was a that ramp tapered off in the end
right it’s pretty good at the beginning
at an important point but
somewhere around the fucking two hour market
these things you just you lose the creative magic
formulating your sentences
you know i like your
setup this week it’s awesome but one thing
i think i just killed sperm
with laptop on my lap oh
yeah just cooked my balls well you
gotta do it like i do it you have the lap
off to the side that’s the move
if you put your laptop if you move this thing
and you put your laptop
like you put your microphone here
right see folks we’re fucking ghetto
this is not a
planned out
situation here
so we covered everything that i want to cover
as far as ufc
predictions people keep asking
ufc predictions i
never give ufc
predictions because who the fuck knows what’s
gonna happen
they’re super exciting
fights the main event of course is spectacular
leo to machida versus mauricio shogun hua
very very interesting fight
you know a lot of people thought that mauricio
won the first
fight but if he did win it you know he didn’t
you know didn’t kill him he didn’t he didn’t really
you know he didn’t stop him he
never really hurt him badly he
never really
had a real dominant moment in the fight
he just edged
them a lot of people felt like he edged them
and a very exciting
fight and i
think that liotto is
gonna have a
completely different
strategy most likely for this flight very
excited to see that he’s a very strategic dude
and i think also he’s
gonna be the both guys are
gonna be more prepared
they’re gonna know what the others
is capable of
they’re gonna review the first
fight and go over mistakes and go over
when they landed and you know and go over like maybe
tendencies that each
might have that
might maybe they can exploit
so i think the second
fight is gonna
start out a
chess match
you know they’re
gonna be both guys
gonna be doing
things that they
think are gonna
benefit them in this
fight that maybe they didn’t do in the
first fight
maybe we’ll find guys
might start off the
fight a little bit more
cautious that
could be interesting
you know see if
maybe shogun plays the role of a
counter striker
initially or
maybe they just get to it like it’s round six
maybe they just fucking go at each
other that’s very possible too you know
maybe that even more so because of the controversy
involving some of the
fights lately
where guys haven’t been exciting
like the anderson
silva fight
where he kind of
slacked off over the last two rounds
believe in criticizing jose aldo for his last
round of his fight
so if that’s the case if they’re affected by that
stuff maybe they
might come out and try to
prove a point
i don’t think that’s
gonna happen because
too much is at stake
and both guys are too dangerous
they’re both
two of the most dangerous and explosive guys
in that light
heavyweight division and anything can happen
so that’s my
prediction for the main event who the who’s the karate
guy who’s no
cheetah machida
do you think what do you
think is karate
as a martial art in general
well what machita does is very
smart is he
combined the good
things of karate
with muay thai and
jiu jitsu and
wrestling and boxing
you know but there’s a lot of good
stuff in karate
the ability to leap in and leap out
like the way they fight
they’re very
their footwork is different
than like muay thai guys muay thai guys more like
they learn enough they’re
light on their feet but they
weighed in and they get real
close to each
other and attack
you know and they
check kicks and attack
the karate guys
it’s almost
like fencing like they explode in and explode out
and if you’re not used to
fighting machita he’s
super hard to deal with
cause that that explosion
just fucking
throws you off
when he leans way back and he dives in and he’s
super accurate
with things
and if he catches you with one of
those he could fuck you up
if he starts
lighting you
up like pot shot you from a distance you’re in trouble
that’s what happened to rashad evans he
started just
lighten him up
he started like laying back
and he comes in and
blasts them
and then once
he does it a couple of times that’s all he
needs to hit you a couple
clean times before you’re like a little bewildered
and he’s so good at that he did that to socaju
you know he
did that to thiago silva stopped him at the end of the
first round he’s a fucking killer man he’s a killer
and he’s gonna be
trying to do that even more on
shogun than in the
first fight he’s
gonna be more
fired up more motivated
i think he’s
gonna be even better
and then shogun
he’s gonna be
super confident because he feels like he won that first
fight he feels like he got robbed the decision so he’s
gonna be confident and he’s
gonna be fucking coming in guns blazing and liyoto’s
gonna be confident and the
old is gonna be
more motivated better strategy it’s
gonna be an awesome fucking fight okay
you just you just go by a karate
studio and you’re just like okay that little
15 year old has a black belt
you know that’s your
sport that you can get a 15 year old could be have a
black belt are you kidding me
that’s the problem with the
thing they call the mcdojos
you know the macdojos the macdojo
syndrome is that you know
when martial arts became popular in america
i guess in the 60s or whatever
when people started watching
bruce lee movies in the 70s and shit
what happened was people
got real into karate and
karate became a business and they opened up karate
schools all over the world
you know and people
wanted to learn how to kick people’s
asses and then it became like some bullshit mysticism
thing and a lot of
bowing and they’re very cult like man if you
never been to karate
schools or a lot of martial art schools my taekwondo
school is very cult like
you know they’re like you know the the sensei can do no
wrong and everything is yes sir yes sir
it’s like they’re never
an even and
an equal with you
which is one of the beautiful things
about jiu jitsu jiu
jitsu is totally the opposite
right your instructors just like you he’s
super cool and just like you you don’t have to call him
i mean if you do call him sir it’s out of respect
but he’s gonna i put
sir i’m your brother my friend would you call me sir
you know john john machado
would laugh if you call him sir he’s just oh oh
a friendly cool guy
that knows something that you don’t know is
gonna show it to you so in like jiu jitsu
though it’s way more rare for a 15 year old to get a
black belt in
a tie it’s really really really hard it was
hard to get your
black belt in
jiu jitsu martial arts
they have much lower
standards than jiu jitsu most of them do and karate
a lot of school seeing if you go to a real karate
school like a real
okinawan karate
school or kyoko
shin karate
school where they’re like really like rigid
traditional old
school way no they’re not
gonna give you a fucking
black belt if you’re not ready
you gotta get that
block where you
gonna earn that
shit you go to one of masoyama’s fucking
schools one of his
affiliates you know
those guys that’s some
those are serious hard
those those karate
tournaments they
fight in especially the kyoko
shin karate
those dudes are fucking animals they don’t
punch to the face but they kick
to the face and kicked the body and kick to the legs
they’re fucking
tough man that’s a that’s a hard hard sport
so are hard martial art if you go to
those schools you’re not
gonna be able to get a nine year old
and get them
their black belt but
if you go to one of
these like fred valore
schools they used to be like the united
studios of self defense
when i lived in massachusetts
right fucking 12 years old you got a
black belt that’s
ridiculous and you can’t
crack an egg
like they don’t have any idea how to
fight they’re
completely lost
they want to do like
you know high kicks and kata and fucking knife and
strike you like
they literally
don’t know how to
fight they like
taught how to do this like
stupid dance
you know they don’t even have contact when they
spar like in most the schools
did you hear that the boy
scouts now have a badge
for playing
video games
which i thought was
crazy cause isn’t that defeat
everything the boy
scouts about like
adventures outdoors
yeah they have a
video game badge
and like the government
man they want you to become a killer they want you to
target their drones
did you hear
obama made a joke
about fucking
drones how did
you know that you know the
whole thing with
obama and he told jokes and jay
leno told jokes jay
leno kind of bombed no i didn’t hear
about this the
white house i
think there’s a
white house
white house
press correspondence dinner i
think that’s what it’s called right
you didn’t hear
about this why i
ignore all jade
oh my god you
gotta you gotta
check this out cuz it’s fascinating
obama goes on and and
and everyone’s like
obama did so well
opie and anthony were the only ones that said
obama didn’t do well and i fucking completely
agree with them he like just
butchered the jokes
like the timing sucked
but the jokes were pretty well written i
think some of the guys from the
daily show or something
wrote it for him
and the jokes but
like this delivery
was terrible it’s all clunky and
but he got big laughs
but one of the jokes he did and no one’s even talking
about this one of the jokes he did
he said the jonas brothers are here
where are you the jonas
brothers there you are
and he said something
about his daughters
you know that his daughters
you know his
daughters are very beautiful
but i want to let you know don’t even think
about it i’ve got two words for you
it was like
spy drone or something drone
what are those
drones called yeah the
drones by drones
right but they
said like i have two words for you like unmanned
drone like what
what are you saying mr president you’re joking around
that if one of
these boys who by the way are like the most wishy washy
christian the non offensive non dangerous
fucking these
white white
you’re upset
about these bracelets on yeah dude
pilot drone
or whatever the fuck called it
i think that’s pretty
funny it’s not
funny he’s talking
about things that kill innocent people
every day all
right they use that
thing in pakistan
and those things they launched them
into these fucking
villages and launch some of
these mountainsides
and people get jacked left yeah but you
can also say
that there’s
all sorts of people that get killed you can say that
about joking
about anything airplanes
anything you know i mean
you could joke
about black helicopters
but black helicopters kill people for the government
apache helicopters
you know i mean
drones that’s pretty
funny he’s just taking something that’s like
kind of in the news and
your examples
ridiculous and and here’s here’s the
thing look you
when you’re the president of the goddamn united
right just like when george bush was president
and he said
where are the weapons of mass destruction
none under here
oh right looking
under his desk
yeah but drugs
aren’t just made for killings for spying and stuff
you know they have hellfire missiles on them
there to find people that are bad and launches
but there’s not
implying he’s
gonna spy on the jonas
brothers right he’s
implying he’s
gonna kill them right
with something
that they’ve been killing people with yeah
that’s so light
hearted that’s not like i don’t
think that’s
i think that’s attacking
somebody because you want to attack the person
i think that’s
ridiculous if you’re getting
angry about that
you think that
me saying that him saying that is attacking him
no no you’re obviously taking it like in a like a
right i can’t believe he’s joking
about this shit brian
brian when you’re the president of a country that
is literally fucking the
whole world i don’t see
it involved in two wars overseas and
these weird
things that happen in pakistan that are i don’t know
who approves them or how exactly they work
where they have
these drones
that fire these missiles
at these people that we don’t like
and all sorts of
other people die
but that’s not something i would joke
about if i was the president i
agree but there’s plenty of shit to make fun
of to think to
think that he’s
joking is also kind of acting like my mom getting mad
about him i can’t believe he said a terrible
joke it’s a dumb joke i don’t know why you
think it’s funny i don’t know why he would
think killing boys that want to fuck his i
think it’s fucking hilarious
say that to the jonas
brothers i would say
that hilarious
bomb it wasn’t a good joke
it was like you got the
worst response of any of his bits
it wasn’t well delivered either i
think it’s brilliant
i can’t believe you
think that because i
think i would
say that if i was
the president
that’s retarded
would you say
something really you don’t
think there’s any karma and
there’s something very serious
about being a person who’s
at least indirectly for many many people
dying because of
these fucking
drones many people crying
many families devastated many people who lost
their children
many people lost
their loved ones gone forever
but because it’s taking
place in pakistan
doesn’t freak you out
what if he is involved in
drone attacks in ohio
what if kids you went to high
school with got fucking killed
they got their legs
blown off because
obama is using
drones to target al qaeda in ohio
wouldn’t that
wouldn’t that for you’re
saying a what if though
joe you’re saying a what if not what really happened he
just brought it
i see what you’re saying
different than ohio
man for you to
think that it’s okay
in pakistan and not okay in ohio
cause i didn’t say because
that makes it a what if joe
you’re making it seem like that
i’m that sensitive
about the middle east and
stuff where i’m not i don’t
think about that shit
you know you’re getting really sensitive
about our war and our
troops and everything oh i’m not
i’m thinking
like so he just made a joke
about murder yeah i
think you’re
getting really up sensitive
about bama just doing a bad joke you know that’s not
just a bad joke it’s a
ridiculous irresponsible joke i think
to make a joke like that in the middle of
two wars that people don’t approve
and all these
things that are happening in pakistan with
with unmanned
drones i don’t think you
should be making jokes like that
unless they’re fucking hilarious
and that joke was lame as fuck i think
i think it’s pretty
funny for when
especially when the president says i
think it’s hilarious i
think it makes our president seem
edgy i think it seems like
he’s not playing dumb and trying to
butter like nerf
our fucking ears he’s actually
saying something that’s like wow that’s kind of blue
that’s kind of crazy
dude military the president
doesn’t have the key to the drones
so his joke
is not only it’s not correct as well you don’t
think they would like let him borrow the key
so he could kill the jonas brothers
is that we trying to say
thank you very
much for chiming in sir yeah but you’re saying like
you know you’re
like your joke on baby blowjobs you’re saying like
you know that’s bad to say you know how many people are
child molested
if i wasn’t no here’s the example that you need to use
if if i was a
child molester
and i was out there blowing
babies and then i did a joke
about baby blow jobs
then it would be the same as what the president
is doing so the president is killing people with
drones right now
well the president is the
spokesperson for the country
and the country
is in fact at war
and has military that is killing people with
drones i just
i see is at the top of the food i see why
i see why you’re upset
but i just i just don’t see it i just don’t see it
i understand that you don’t see it but i
think it’s hilarious
i understand who
opened anthony were mad too
about this no i
think they were talking
about something else
they were talking
about his jokes bombing
they were just a
minute they were used
you know they were
open anthony were
upset at his delivery his delivery was
tied delivery
especially norton norton was
going crazy
that’s fucking
pause and run
i love norton but he’s also
loves jay leno
you know well norton was
right and he was honest in his assessment of jay
leno jay was like rushing through it
he was like
rushing through his jokes but the jokes were lame
he knew he had bad jokes and i
think he thought it was
gonna be an easy
crowd and he
could just squeak by
you know but i
think you realize
when he got there that there was some pressure on him i
think a lot of people don’t like him now that poor fuck
you know everybody’s all mad at jay
cause he took his job back like
why does everybody give a shit
you know conan o’brien
gets 35 fucking million dollars and he gets to go to
tbs and do whatever he wants that’s
funny how he straight up lied though on the
whatever 60 minutes the
other day about
yes twice twice mb
he said that the reason why he got fired not
leno because his payout
or leno’s payout was more
or something
like that but they were like nbc’s like that’s a lie
their payouts were exactly the same
they also said something like
maybe he didn’t know
maybe he was just mistaken
well there was another
thing you may
have been told that by
agents or something too
something about nbc losing
money but what i find odd though is that i
checked ratings the
other day jay
lenos ratings and conan’s
ratings are almost exactly the same as they were
if you were
going from year
to year from last year to this year or whatever
exactly the same so there’s no money
there’s no like lino’s number one making
fifty million dollars
extra month
it’s but he was
he was before
maybe before
yeah before but they’re
thinking that he’s eventually
gonna bring it back to
where he was before yeah
that he’s gonna take over the rains and you
know have it back to
where it was because when he left he was number one
yeah i don’t know man the whole
thing it’s a
stupid argument it
is like who cares it’s just
entertainment and not only that it’s not the best
if conan had a talk not a talk show rather but like
a sketch show
i think that would rule
that’s what i
would like to say
cause i think conan’s the best parts on conan
was when he does
those sketches
like when he did
those the baseball player the 1800s baseball players
when he went there and
played baseball with them and he was talking 1800s big
fucking hilarious
that was way better to
me than his interviews i mean his interviews are cool
but most of the people that he’s talking to it’s like
what are they doing they’re
just selling some shit they just want you to see their
movie they just
want you to buy
their book or want you to listen to
their music it’s like
you know it’s like
he’s just helping them sell shit
it’s gotten so bad in general of how bad like
jimmy fallon they
had a whole
like 10 minutes
sketch the other day on subway
and it was a commercial
and it was like
people there
was actors involved and they were like doing skits
all about subway i love
subway subs
subs like 5
footlongs was the
whole thing they were talking about
and it was an ad for
like 10 minutes
well you know if it was
funny i wouldn’t i wouldn’t have a problem with it
you know especially for the
one commercial
where they rip off brian callans act
there’s a commercial
like an old spice commercial
where this guy’s like doing bright look at my
stance look at me on the horse
on the horse i have an apple
yeah dude that is brian
callan are you serious fuck that’s
like one of the most popular commercials i do like
super rich now that guy
sounds like
brian callan’s act and all
these people are saying that
and apparently advertising
executives do that all the time
they see comics that go to
comic clubs and get an idea from
their act here’s something weird
here’s something
weird there is a
movie called
miss march it was a
forget that the plot i was half
drunk watching this movie and
the chat or it’s craig
robinson is that
he played a character in this
movie called
horse cock dot
impeg and the
whole time i’m
watching it’s like
they call it
his character
yeah and the
whole thing
the joke was his that his character who’s a rapper
named horse cock
dot impeg the
whole time i’m
thinking like that’s
kind of weird because of your
horse bit material
about being
mr hands dot
impeg that’s no that’s
weird at all but it’s
weird that like how there’s so much similar
things like that i’m wondering like you
know writers and
people marketing and commercial and
stuff if they really just
you know just that’s a ridiculous
connection anybody
could come over really talk dog
mpeg look it was a real video man
you know yeah but only you of all people
focused in on the
point that was called mr hands dot
mpeg no i don’t i
think that’s
silly i think
that’s what it’s called
you can’t i mean
just because i’ve talked
about it on
stage i mean that’s
what that is what it is you can’t say that somebody
stole that i didn’t
say so i just saying it’s
weird that how like there’s so many similar
things like you’re saying
brian callan and
that’s stealing i know they stole
you know all
these comics have recognized
that it’s like the guy is like doing a version of
brian callan
you know and probably you know he
doesn’t even know probably
he’s probably just some actor and he’s funny and
maybe he has the same voice
no it’s not the
voice it’s the way
brian callan
talks about
things he exaggerates like
sometimes i just take a horse
dance i just
stand he’s got this
ridiculous act like look at look at my body toned and
defined i’m eating a
peach sometimes like to eat a peach
this guy’s like doing callan
callan has this
ridiculous character
it’s like someone doing that you
might be a redneck character
like going up and doing jeff
foxworth even if he’s not calling himself jeff foxworth
like you know
where you got that came from but jeff foxworth
is famous was
brian cows not
famous like a
brian cow was
super famous
and then this commercial was out everybody
would be like
this guy’s ripping off
brian cowan
you know so he’s doing
brian cowan
i think that shit’s real common i
think they do it all the time to sell things
hmm i don’t know about that
sam tripoli
seems to think so
sam tripoli
thinks a lot of
things that aren’t true really like what oh
it’s two hours and
two minutes yeah
that’s just
about it ladies so next week we’re
gonna fuck we’re
gonna this week we’re
gonna fuck one of these
right we’re gonna talk
about yeah you know what
my manager i’m sure will not want me to fuck one of
these things
especially this one you got the butthole one
yeah i’ll have that one
well you were
the shit out
of that one you fucking weirdo
um so i think yeah i mean
definitely send
me some twitter messages tell me what you
think if you
think that it’s
ridiculous to
you know to
think that i
should not accept a
sponsorship because somehow i was
gonna hurt my career i
think it’s ridiculous
but i would like to hear your thoughts
am i allowed to accept it
yeah you can and we
could like split the
screen down the middle
yeah this brian’s part of the show is sponsored
by flashlight my side is not
here it’s shakita banana
long and i want to let cbs nbc and abc know that i am
ready and willing to do your family game show
chiquita banana on this side
flashlight so
what do we need back here do we need a monitor
or do we need a
green screen that’s the other question is
should it be a monitor or a green screen 60 inch led 3d
dlp dl no lcd
samsung that we have people at home would have to
watch with goggles on and then we would be blurry and
everything else that’d be awesome no that’s ridiculous
probably wouldn’t even work it probably wouldn’t
transmit through this little shitty use
train what if it did
what’s wrong with you
so there’s a question too
should we do
green screen i say yes i’m looking at it
right now i’m like it would be dope if we had an
image of space behind us
that’s the move right you have to do that
again so can
apparently we can’t do that with this
you stream producer though
what i’m worried about is that the the uh you
stream producers the only way we can get this
thing up on itunes
no we’re just using the u
stream producer to take the signal out to the internet
so we’ll plug
this into your computer and this will be an
input on u stream producer so we’ll
still be able to use u
stream producer yeah you
should you know how this
thing works i’m sure i
could try caster
figured out u
stream producer in
five minutes that’s how easy it was goddamn genius
without him we
would be doing the same
thing but it
would suck more and
probably the
sound would be
going on in the
background all
right green
screen most people
think so i think that’s what we’re
gonna go with it’s unanimous
thank you everybody
yeah it’s all
green screen
everybody saying green
screen they don’t want to monitor monitors are gay
green screens cool
right yeah all
right so that’s what we’re
gonna do that is the next
stage so we have this and
check this shit out look how this thing does
at the end of the show
i go like that and it goes down oh
fucking crazy man
i got that shit at
zi gallery yo so
that’s our show
ladies and gentlemen
we will see you next week
tuesday as always
you know how we rock it
basically the same
every week and
this thing is slowly but surely
getting more and more
more complicated but more professional
smoother the
sound for the itunes
version is going to be way way way better now
with these professional
microphones and the high end
mp3 player and all that jazz
the video should be better now as well
and eventually like i said we’re
gonna have that and next week we’re also
gonna have hd
camera so we’ll have two cameras to choose from
so we can switch back and forth just get crazy
and eventually we’re
gonna have this
thing set up like a real
studio there’s another
there’s another
couch chair over here and
we’ll have it lit up better too
right now it’s lit kind of funky so
it rolls on
thank you very much for
tuning in i’m glad you guys enjoyed it
flashlight calm
flashlight com is
where you can go if you want to
fuck a rubber pussy and
that’s it so we’ll see you next week take care