brian this doesn’t have a connection
did you plug it in yeah
okay not yet hold on hold on we have a web problem
some wifi your wi fi wi fi is jacked
people are asking why do you guys have an opening song
and then after the opening song
then you play more music
like what kind of shit is that
and you’re right it’s fucking ridiculous
this whole show is ridiculous
i can’t believe anybody’s even listening
at this point
this is the most
ghetto podcast on the internet
the most fun to do though
and this is some mashup
brian who’s the mashup
i believe it’s
party ben it might be girl talk i don’t know
you know what
man i used to not be a big fan of podcasts
until i heard this voodoo
child jay z mix
and i was like
god damn okay you did something there
you know like a lot of times i like listen to podcasts
or to a mash up rather and i’m like
this isn’t that interesting it’s kinda
but every now and then they just fucking make something
super cool they just kill it
yeah it’s like
shit that you shouldn’t
think would go together like chicken and waffles bam
you know there was a jay z
linkin park mashup that was just
dirty yeah didn’t they
do like a whole
album of that
yeah i love
when shit like that happens i love when artists get
together like that and create something fucking nutty
we were talking
about this before the podcast and it’s you know
total retard hippie talk but
what the fuck is
music and why what does it do
how does it just get in you man
cause there’s no way we’re talking to
yeah oh i was
gonna introduce him eventually
this is my friend chris
what’s going on chris is
a writer he
writes for the blog what is it warrior poet
us us and what is it us man
i’m looking to take over the
world eventually but i’m
starting with the us
dot com is currently unavailable so
yeah i couldn’t
get joe rogan
calm the dude who owns it is
a he’s a nice guy he’s a real estate guy but he
he goes just
occurred to me the more
famous you get the more this is
worth right
i was like oh all right dick
i’m like i’m not buying this now got some
twitter dude who is holding down your
yeah but i got it back from twitter twitter gave
it up but this dude’s his name’s joe rogan and he’s
older than me so respect to him
it’s gotta go to him more than his to me
you know i was willing to buy it but when
after you said that i was like get out of here
the more famous
you get the more this is worth
oh come on man what are you 12 yeah
just tell me what you want can we talk through this
more families you’ll get
i can hold on to it this is a good investment except
you have to be able to buy it for it to be valuable it
doesn’t matter you
can find me now it’s google joe rogan
net if you can’t
it’s probably good it probably filters out a
bunch of idiots
yeah because if you can’t type
net instead of dot com if you give up
i quit you know
i couldn’t find it
good i don’t want
you finding it people who put the dot com in the google
search bar instead of the
url too yeah sure
brian knows
about that i do that all the time
do you yeah
what happens
when you do
that you porn shows up and they have to masturbate
using a flashlight
is that really what happens yeah
porn shows up if you put a document
every time i put anything i’m fucking
directly i think i
think that’s called a virus
yeah you should
cleaned out son
are you serious
i just need to
clear my cash because it’s seriously
everything that comes up on my toolbar
you know it just have you
just been beating it furiously lately
brian if you don’t know
ladies and gentlemen
brian had a very
lust filled
short term relationship
which filled with
passion and a loss of fluids
and then as
quickly as the
storm came into town
storm left i have kids now
he’s got kids
now he’s got a kid from the relationship so here’s
here’s lesson number one children
anyone under 30 that i’m talking to
right now listen to me
do not get a dog with a chick
okay ever don’t do it
unless you guys have kids don’t get a dog
and if you do do it go
get nutty and if you do do it go
right to the pet
store fuck what they say just go
against all the rules i get it
those dogs that
go to the pet
store don’t support
puppy mills man hope
those pet stores go
under go to the fucking pound
or go to a good breeder
i got one of my dogs from a
breeder man i am not
there’s nothing
wrong with breeders people talk shit
about breeders but if the guy’s a passionate
breeder and really
breeds dogs because he wants like a good be
my dog is awesome dude
and one of the reasons why he’s awesome is because his
dad was awesome his dad was one of the security dogs
on fear factor
we had him bite people in these big
crazy bite suits
and his dog was so cool he was just chill
hanging out with everybody not douchey do the
other dogs he
was just the
sweetest dog come over to him man what’s going on
meanwhile he’s just a
giant mastiff and i’m like what a
great dog he’s so
friendly and like such a difference
genuinely affectionate like come up and rub
against you and love it when you rub his head
like how crazy
does his dog get this perfect personality well this guy
won’t let his douchebags breed
he just anytime
he goes i love them i take care of them but no
breeding for you you fuck
and he takes them and he
takes all the douchebags out so he’s done this for like
20 generations so his dogs are like the coolest dogs
like i come over his
house he’s got
these big fucking mastiffs like
the chicks like a buck 30 and the males like a buck 50
and they come up to you like okay
these are lions
these are these
small lions
that i’m just
assuming you have control over
i’m walking in your
house and i’m
trusting my balls and my legs
i’m trusting all my soft
tissue to these
monsters that you have
under your control
the dogs couldn’t have been more chill
just like hey how you doing
come not not like
checking you out like what’s up bitch
what the fuck you doing around here not
sniffing you all aggro
like some of them will disrespect you with a sniff
and that’s like letting you know
bitch i’m just
gonna sniff your dick right now
just like get it on your dick
you know they’re
going aggro on you man they’re pulling some
alpha male shit
you gotta step in and stop them from doing that
these dogs were nothing like that man
these dogs were so cool they just had this air
about them like hi
hi come on in
meanwhile they
would do bite work like he
would have these dudes in a suit and they
would hold them back and then let the dog loose
it was like a meat cannon
like you shot a side of beef with this dude’s arm
that they would just
latch out of the guy and
bring him down i’m like what a
crazy thing you’ve engineered
this dog that will respond to your
every command is
super intelligent
and is gigantic
and can mimic
the primal attack mode
and then shut it off and shut it
right off and be
super friendly do
physically exactly what he’s designed to do to kill
dude that impressed
the that was the most impressive
thing to me when
we were on fear factors what people have done with dog
breeding and dog training
like dogs that really know
their shit they’re
impressive man that’s
impressive like they
had they have it locked down
they’re giving them
treats and they’re
setting them up and they’re giving them
their affection and they’re giving them
their recognition for what they’ve done
these dogs will
do anything they’ll do whatever the fuck you say
it’s pretty nuts that we figured out a way to do that
i always think it’s kind of
funny that people will i
totally love and respect people
rescuing animals i
think that’s a beautiful
thing that people do
and then you know there’s the
other people who will buy like a
budget animal
you know which is
definitely coming from a bad
place if you
buy like a dog for like 100 bucks
sometimes people
just fall in love too
yeah it’s sometimes people
see a dog like
a dog yeah but you you know they expect
great results it’s like there’s a
place where they had a
like twenty five dollar
tattoos you’re
gonna have this for a long time like
make a good investment yeah but some
people just say but it’s a dog what could be
wrong with it i’ve had
i’ve had a bunch of dogs with like i had this bulldog
he’s had to have a bunch
brian just killed my mom sorry
he’s got a he’s got
a hip dysplasia
so he had i have to get both his arms operated
and it was like six
grand man it was like it’s like serious
money so i was like eighteen thousand dollars i
think for both of his arms had have one operation
and they had have one like a
while later and then they were talking
about replacing his back hips
i’m like listen this dog is lazy as fuck
you don’t have to do that people
stuff this dog just likes to
chill like you don’t have to
like yeah he walks around a bit of a limp but he seems
happy like he
might be a little pain but most of the time he’s just
chilling you know
he’s not a running dog he’s a bulldog he’s just gonna
relax you know
okay he’s fucked up you don’t have to give him
metal hips all right just
let him be fucked up
but that’s a dog that was
given to me if that if that it was a situation
is a situation
if they wasn’t i
would have never wanted to get a dog like that i
would know i
would look for dogs
that have a genetic propensity for hip dysplasia and
stuff like that and you
gotta you gotta
think man it’s
wonderful to love a dog and take care of them
but you’re adopting a
giant bag of
fucking problems with some animals you know
if you get them from a good
breeder you know what the fuck you’re getting
yeah we were
we bought a big savannah cat it’s
gonna be almost a 30
pound cat that’s insane
you told me about that
that’s insane
and you feed this
thing like chicken wings
and chicken bones and it just growl
just haunts it
it sits there it’ll
stock it and
then it’ll just pounce and then i’ll grab it in its
mouth and throw it up in the air
and paw it before it gets down to the ground wow just
savage but you
trust it with you does it ever get
dicky with you
totally no i’ve
definitely alpha mailed it
yeah does it
destroy things
no he doesn’t have that
crazy cat instinct
where he’s gonna rip
oh really do you have
posts for him
or something we do have some posts and do you
use those he does
so he doesn’t
defy you no
i got this little
this little
motherfucker i got this little cat
named oliver
and he’s a rag doll
and he’s a sweet cat he’s
super friendly
super sweet
loves coming up but
if you tell him to get the fuck out of here he’s
gonna keep coming back
right it’s like you know he’s
gonna prove a
point right like
he’ll come into
this my library has
a carpet in
and i don’t like him licking his asshole on my
white carpet
you know so
get the fuck out of here licking your ass off but go
come on dingleberries are
worse than them licking
their ass whatever
i’ve got short hair
just take care of that
right away he’s
trimmed i trimmed him
we trim him for the summer because he’s a
fluffy cat it gets hot as fuck out here
right so anyway so he
you know he’s looking his asshole in this
white carpet i’m
like get the fuck out of here dude come on you gotta go
i’m being nice
about it i push pick him up i take him out
thank you bye
i go back in i’m rearrange
my shit i turn back and he’s licking his asshole
again same spot
it’s like you what you can’t lick your asshole over
there he wanted to walk back to
exact know this is
where i want to be
like i’m the one who decides
where i want to be i want to be right here
i picked him
up i put him out of that room four fucking times
before i finally
shut the door i had to shut the door i had to give up
well cocksucker he tests me
but he’s a little tiny cat you know
if it was like a big
serval that’s what they’re called
yeah well it’s bred from servals
so they call them savannahs when they get
you know one
generation removed so it’s a serval
mixed with a domestic a
serval mixed with the domestic but the
breeder i got it from they
keep they’ve been doing
it so long it’s mostly savannah to savannah made what
exactly is a serval
it’s this wild looking mini cheetah
with really long legs it’s a wild animal
fully wild so
they don’t train
those at all
no those are
those are just
those are just gone
i mean they live
i mean there’s
pictures from the
breeder the servals with the children and
stuff like that
they hang out all
right there was a fear factor
show that we did once
and it was in this
really rural area really rural
you know like
these people were like
living outward there was no one out there
and one woman
had a dog that got fucked by a coyote
and how is half coyote
half dog puppies it was a trip
dude it was a trip
they were all huddled together because it was
freezing cold a
bunch of the cast or the crew rather took them home
as pets because everybody was so
because it was
really cold outside we were filming in the winter
and we’re up in like this really
high altitude area it’s cold as fuck
and there’s
these puppies all huddled up together
like shaking and they’re half coyote man
it was crazy
some dog got fucked by some murderous
beast from the woods
you know yeah
when a dog gets fucked by a coyote that’s
gotta be some
trippy shit
what’s crazy about
those hyenas
that people use
those dogs you
know i wonder if though i wonder if a dog fucks coyote
if a coyote
fucks a dog
because that’s what it is usually probably
i bet it’s not dogs fucking coyote i don’t know one of
those big i bet it’s a man
do you think so no i
think you’d kill it i
think it’d kill it yeah
i think they have a war they
would go to
they wouldn’t
but a male gets to fuck a dog
the males can fuck the dogs right
that’s so creepy man yeah
that’s like
i wonder if the dogs can go back to regular dogs
after that or
they just get
used the most
coyote fucked
have you ever seen a coyote’s
mouth when they open their jaws
dude there’s like rows of
teeth like a crocodile that shit goes back
like the first time i saw a coyote yawn
i was like whoa hold on like
you start thinking they’re dogs
and then you see a coyote
yawn you like you’ve got like 20
extra teeth you fuck yeah
those are scary creepy fucking murderers
sneaking in and fucking your dog
there’s a dude that runs down lake in austin
which is a big
big jogging
trail he has
three wolves four
wolves and he just pretends that they’re not wolves but
they’re beautiful
creatures but that’s
a little iffy
yeah i have a friend who has one
he has one and
the fucking
thing got out and killed a gang of goats
killed like got out of his he has like a
ranch and he got from his
ranch and went into the neighbors
ranch and just
started jacking
their animals
just fucking up
everything a little too much
well had a blood orgy
just went over there that he
found a pen that was filled with goats
so he jumped into this pen and
started just
tearing these goats
apart it was big
hundred and
sixty hundred and
seventy pounds
just ripping them apart
and i’m like bro you don’t have control of this fucking
thing man like you
gotta be careful
so what does he do
he moves to hollywood
brings his wolf
three of them
he’s got three of them this douchebag
living in the fucking hollywood hills this
thing’s out
killing deer and shit
i heard wolves aren’t even good
for home invasion
either well it’s like if you come into home
they’re not territorially protected because
they have those
wide ranges not like
other dogs so
i mean a burglar
murder can come
in your home and do whatever and it won’t
but if it threatens you apparently
then the wolf will
it’ll protect you it’ll protect you yeah
yeah you’re his buddy
but you’re not his dad
yeah okay that’s a difference
you’re his buddy
it’s like you
know if your roommate is getting attacked you’re
gonna jump in
that’s not like
if your son was getting attacked okay
you know or
you know if your father was getting attacked rather
and that’s how dogs are dogs look at you like your dad
with a wolf you just like what’s up man
he’s got fucking with you
and the wolf like yo yo yo get that shit out of here
but the wolf is not like you
can’t come over
the wolf’s not like who the fuck are you let me
check you out and make sure you’re okay
the wolf’s like
bitch i know you okay what are you
gonna do to me stupid
that’s how the wolf looks at you the
wolf is not threatened by you
he’s like oh
are you being nice okay good whatever i have
teeth look at
these teeth
i’ll fucking kill you dude
they’re not
worried about you my smile
yeah they don’t just listen to you
it’s a duly different situation
it’s like for the most part you’re probably
gonna be okay and they’re not
gonna kill anybody
but wolves have killed people
wolves killed people there’s
a woman got attacked by
wolves recently
i think it was in alaska i’m not sure
where it was
but a woman got attacked and killed by
wolves it’s very rare
the last time
it happened was like the 1950s or some shit but so what
so it happened
you know if there’s only like
one monster
you know a fucking goblin
ate some old lady’s head once
in 1812 that
would be the most
haunted woods for the history of time
you’d be like that
thing’s real and it’s out there well
wolves are for fucking sure real all
right they howl you can see them
you can watch documentaries on them
you go through wyoming
you’re gonna see them
you know i’m saying
or was it wyoming
where were wolves
that wyoming
are they north dakota
for sure like
yellowstone right
those are real animals man and they’ll jack you yeah
and they’re
smart people forget the mythical basis for that i mean
wolves were real enemies i mean the
expression keep the
wolves in the hills in our
women in our beds was
real yeah those
babies man you were
toasting to that
daily you know
back in the days yeah
what happened did they just wise up to our host
gun situation
and just like back off with all that
dress and shit
i think they
got they got
trappers just
you know decimated the population
yeah is that what it is and then the
population so
small now they don’t
feel it the strength to fuck with people right yeah
they will fuck up your crops or your cattle though
if you have cows
or if you have any animals they will fuck them up man
them and mountain lions
i was a kid once and i was reading this
comic book and it was i used to read a lot of creepy
and eerie do you remember those comic books
do you remember those at all
creepy and eerie were these
really cool
comic books that were like
black and white
really cool illustrations and it was all like
monster stories
and one of them was
about this werewolf
that was sneaking into these
people had sheep and they were
living in the old west or some shit and they had sheep
and the werewolf
would sneak into
their pen and kill all the sheep
and then the guy
goes out there and he gets attacked by this werewolf
and i’m like wow how
crazy would that be if a werewolf was out there
sneaking into people’s
pens and killing all
their animals and i thought about it
just cheetahs
cheetahs do do that
mountain lions do do that all the time
they got a real
if you live anywhere
near mountain lion and you have animals in your yard
you got a that
those are that’s game yeah they’re
gonna just hop over
that fence and kill them and drag them in the woods
why is it any
why is a wolfman any scarier than that
i don’t know
maybe because it can
have sex with you
yeah the wolfman
it doesn’t all the twilight
movies that’s for sure
oh yeah are
those guys technically werewolf so
you know i don’t know because they just become
wolves metro
wolves you know i’m
saying they don’t become a werewolf they become a wolf
like that’s kind of gay
that is like you know what i’m saying
like if you’re
gonna take the time to
morph be something cool and new
you know be
some american werewolf in london type hybrid shit
don’t just be a dog team wolf killed that
whole thing now
after team wolf to me like oh it’s a werewolf
guy you know
teen wolf killed him for yeah
it’s like fucking michael j fox is not
scary or that did twilight kill it for you for
vampires no
vampires were
already killed for me a long time ago dude
if you think
vampires are killed
go watch gary oldman and do dracula
yeah that’s what i’m saying though but then also
watch the million
other tv shows and fucking knock offs
totally but if gary oldman came out
today with a new dracula
he could rock that shit and you’d be believing in
vampires again but now
wolfman not too much wolfman’s done i
think he’s done i
think that last one with
benicio del toro that killed it for me i’m a wolf man
fan bro and i couldn’t do it
we’ve talked
about this too
many times on the podcast i have wolfman fetishes
i have some
crazy fucking werewolf
thing man i don’t know what it is
ever since i was a little kid
loved werewolf
movies yeah
just like the idea that showed some
sketches you were drawing werewolves yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah high
school yeah
when i was a little kid even before high
school a lot
of them are like from when i was like 12 and 13
i’m fucked up
they tap into something primal and
joe rogan some fucking part of me like that’s why i
moved to the woods man there’s some part of me that
wants to be out
with animals has anybody seen joe rogan on a full moon
right it ain’t
that why is he
tweeting at 6am
it’s really
it’s because i can’t live in the jungle
if i could live in the jungle i’d live in the jungle
but there’s no jungle in america so i choose the woods
it’s like i really
would like to
be just living around animals and shit well it’s
got to represent some primal part of all of us you know
yeah there’s something there’s some energy i
think that you get this
sounds so hippy faggy bullshit
ever so true man
just like certain
energy cat when you’re around
these animals like
one of the people that i
lived near up there was this
crazy yoga lady very nice lady but
crazy yoga lady
and i was talking to her
about like mountain lions i’m like
listen then
how do you guys deal with the fact
there’s mountain lions because there’s a fucking corner
store up there
that had a sign
that if you get attacked by a bear
you should play dead
and if you’re attacked by a mountain lion you
should fight back i’m like what the fuck
you have strategies to deal with
different monsters jacking you you’re
gonna play dead
by a bear is biting the fuck out of you really that
stuff you’re really
gonna do that
are you gonna be able to do that holy shit
so i said how do you deal
with this how do you deal with the fact that you around
these these
beasts she was
i just let them all in
when i walk through the woods i let them know
that i’m here
among you i’m no threat i love
i love you and i love them and i just walk through
and i’ve never had a problem like
bitch you’ve been so lucky
you zigged when you could have
zagged and you
could have walked
right onto a
mother cougar
protected or young
you could have
fucked up and
walked into a fucking grizzly bear
and it could have been with its cobs and
freaked out decide to eat your face
you got lucky
yeah you see well you see all
those documentaries
who hang out with
these predators long enough
why do people
think that they are better than deer why do you
think that if there’s love in nature why does
there really it’s all love
why does nature let this murderous cougar
snap this deer’s fucking neck and suck the
blood out and then eat its guts first
cause that’s what they do they go guts
first cause they don’t eat
grass they get
their vegetation by eating the guts of the
things they kill
but it wouldn’t happen to you
why would it happen to the deer not to you
does that you really get
think the universe gives a fuck
if you’re around a predator
and it wants to eat and it looks at you and says
i think i ate one of
these back in the nineties
i’ll try it
again it was good yeah i only get a hiker once
every ten years
but fuck it
yeah they got that muesli in their
system yeah dude
they’ll jack you
especially when they get used to it like
there’s an area i talked
about in my act
an area in india called the
sunder bands
and they have a real problem with
tigers there because the
tigers have gotten used to eating people
the tsunamis or the typhoons rather
they wash a lot of
bodies into the river
a lot of people
drown these are the fucking villagers man
these people are really poor
they’re living in
shacks on the
river in india
and the tigers eat the
bodies that drown
and so they get a
taste of human
flash and they just
start jacking people
just jacking people
ghost in the dark you
can’t go anywhere yeah
bro there’s
videos on youtube and look this up
folks if you’re
at home or when you get home you
gotta check out
sunder bands
tigers there’s a
bunch of cool documentaries online and one of them
these poor fucks
these guys are census takers
so they have to find out how many
these murderous
monsters are out there in the tall grass
in the fucking tall grass
out on a boat
so what this guy this guy has a rifle
and he’s got a helmet on okay
and the helmet has a mask on the back of the head
because tigers like to
sneak up behind you and jack you
they don’t want
you to see them come on they just want to jack you
so these guys are wearing helmets to protect themselves
from getting jacked by
monsters and they
have a mask with a fucking face on the back of the head
where the tigers figured it out
after a while that it was just a face
so he started jacking guys from the back anyway
even though they have
these face on a
bunch of dudes the census
takers get killed by
tigers with fucking masks on
so now they’re fucked
these things can swim
so they have to make sure
their boat has an engine
so they can swim faster than the tiger can
they can run 50
miles an hour
and they’ve killed
300 000 people in the last 200 years that’s insane
you’d think that someone
would take up the challenge and be like all
right tigers
yeah we’re smarter
oh fucking dude people
are like you know hey they’re a part of nature yeah
they’re part of nature in some regards are
right i mean what makes us that much better i mean
because we have the guns this is
ridiculous we don’t need them around it’s so
stupid kill them all what are you crazy
the people in india
should be we are
worried about the extinction of the tigers
you should be
worried you
should be worried
about your fucking
your murderous master
that lives in the jungle yeah you got to keep it
alive it’s your god
are you crazy
are you fucking that attached
these animals
that want to kill people good just gun them down man
gun them or put
human masks on the back of the
tigers and really confuse everything
yeah that’s what you
gonna do brian you
gonna find the
tiger and put a mask on it you fuck
how dare you just
did you try to
trick the tigers out
which i’m saying it would confuse everything you know
there’d be people with
tiger mass on the back of their heads and
tigers with human mass if you could transfer
human consciousness into anything if you could transfer
human consciousness into
like an animal just to see what it’d be like
how dope would it be
to be able to download your fucking
brain into a tiger’s body
and just live it moving that shit around
and running on the train
for sure how
fucking insane would that be man
if you could just control the body of a
tiger with a human mind and fuck other tigers
oh shit tiger shit
god damn how crazy
would that be you totally feel
right you know oh my god it feel perfect
fuck this and even when she freaks out you
like bitch i got this
you know it’ll allow her to intimidate you
even though it’s a
tiger and you’ve got your dick inside of her
you have no fear
you have full control of this thing
blast for 20 seconds just
shoot loads into her
just shoot tiger loads into her
that would be insane man i would
think though if i had to choose i would take eagle
i would like to be an eagle
that would be the dopest
thing ever yeah cuz eagles get to jack fish from the
air yeah bro
it’s a fucking national animal for a reason bro
have some respect
you know the turkey i’m sure you know
the turkey was supposed to be our national animal
willing yeah benjamin
franklin was putting forward this is
turkeys turkeys the smartest bird
that would have made us less douchey
canada they have a maple leaf they’re all like
chill up there
yeah yeah we’re gonna fucking kill her bird
we eat once a year
an eagle oh
turkey yeah
we are not saying
if if we didn’t have the
eagle maybe we wouldn’t be so douchey
cause the eagle is such a douchey animal
he looks like what bitch
why would we want an eagle
first of all because eagles don’t give a fuck
about anybody
you ever look into an eagle’s eyes
that’s like
the pits of hell i cry they don’t give a fuck about you
if you’re holding them and feeding them
every day and they’re a little
thing on your arm
and you get shot in the head with a howitzer
they’ll go well i
guess i’m not hanging out here anymore just fly away
they don’t get sad
they don’t feel bad
those birds
a prayer trip there was a
hawk that landed on our
ranch and we knew something was off
with it because it was just hanging around the house
so my parents were like all
right we gotta try and
bring it in we
gotta try to get it to the
vet or something whoa
so they sent me with a
kitchen glove were they sure of
bullets yeah
they sent me with a kitchen
glove and a little piece of
steak get the fuck out of here
so i’m like
going very slowly like looking at this
hawk in the eye like
thinking of the options
do i fight do i run like
what happened god
but you know it turned out that it was a domesticated
hawk so i was able to give it to me
and then it dug it and then it hopped on the
kitchen glove
that’s great
brought it into the
house and rescued it
does it have to
be domesticated it for that to have happened
i don’t know
i’m glad i found out because
did you ask him like
have you done this before
yeah bros what we do so we do
climb on your
glove bro yeah
what animal
would you be
shut the fuck up
brian’s on a date
chris is a very handsome man
i was right there with you
oh actually
brian well we
have to know the answer well it’s like one of those
things if someone ask you what’s your favorite color
like you shut up dick
meanwhile it is a
valid question
maybe you have
a reason why you’re into violet i’m into purple
i’m in the future
i want to shock you
i’m in the future look i’m fuchsia
i got a hot fuchsia car
i’m radical
didn’t camera on
trademark some kind of pink is this color
did he really yeah
good family trademark
my boy javie
vasquez he fights in pink shorts
he wears pink
pink little fucking
tighties when he
fights he fights for
strike force a bad
he fights for wc excuse me he was
fighting for
he won the king of the cage
title he won
he’s fought in
japan and went over there he always wears pink shorts
he doesn’t give a fuck
no one wants to
beat your ass
beat your ass with
sissy clothes on
see as the stars are
clearing out it’s just pink
shorts and a package
staring you at the face
there’s another dude that dude
the fuck is his name tim kennedy
tim kennedy always
trains with pink
gloves he wears
these big fucking girly looking pink gloves
but he’s like he’s like when you’re a fierce
motherfucker you can wear a pink
right like it totally makes
sense you know
right totally how did a collar get to be so
disparaged why
well it was the traditional girl
color i mean but why what is it
cause people gave it to girls on the baby shower day
you know so it was just in why
why are they in a pink all over the
world there’s not like
is are they in like in
transylvania are little girls in a
black there are little little
goth girls i don’t know is that
the make the big
colorful girl i
thinks the prettiest
color you know i
think if you’re
you don’t want red because that’s like an evil
thank you you just passed my faggot test
i think pink’s the prettiest
color because it sparked
how did pink get to keep the name pink
you know the singer pink
how the fuck is nobody else been pink
how that mean that bitch
got the the best name for a chick
could have ever
like what’s the girliest shit ever pink gangster all
girls love pink
deserves it
yeah but she does deserve it she’s
she’s a badass
you know that i
wrote a whole blog
about watching her perform at the emmys
i watched i
watched their perform and i was like you
gotta be fucking shitting me
like that was just
sheer brilliance
in coordination with perfect singing and
just just so in tune with the
crowd and had everyone
mesmerized it was fucking beyond yeah but i’m just
shocked that nobody got pink before
i mean she’s not old
it’s not like she got there
first like nobody thought to call themselves pink
seems like there probably was
i bet some fucking
dummy that just didn’t
trade market
right i think
that was probably some bitches
out there i was a real pink
i was pink way before that hoe
charlie chaplin was pink once
i was pink in the 80s
they ain’t have no internet
she don’t she know she
heard about me
she heard about me and created her own shit
check my name that
bitch check my name
there’s always
whenever someone
famous gets famous there’s always someone that thinks
that happens all the time
like oh he’s got my whole act that’s my whole routine
that’s my i was doing that in the catskills i
taught him everything he knows i’ve heard that
story so many times that a guy makes
it and then you go oh you know that guy made it but
there was a guy back in
like michigan
who was scared to
leave town but he was the guy he
learned from that guy like
like there’s like kramer there’s a real kramer
you know kramer from seinfeld
but there’s
a real dude he calls himself the real kramer
and he gives like tours of new york
he was like the guy that
burst through doors well i
guess he’s like universally acknowledged
as the guy who inspired that character so he
somehow another they let him
capitalize on it and gives like tours and shit
which has got to be so
twisted yeah and boring
maybe not man
maybe for him it’s like
the shit you know
maybe if he was a dentist he’d be bored
and maybe if
my dentist had his job he’d be terrified
maybe maybe the dentist
i don’t mean who knows what if he me really was
supposed to be kramer the guys got to be very eccentric
right i mean
if that’s really the guy who they they
yeah you know
model it after
what the fuck
what it what is that guy do now
i’ve seen him in
randomly in
placements and appearances
really recently
you talking
about kramer
yeah the real one
yeah what the fuck’s his name is
about to go on somehow
i forgot how come
michael richards
thank you he just attacked a
photographer the other day
did he yeah
i thought he had together
i guess he punched him and
stuff that’s one of the
worst predicaments in the history of the media
for an actor
for an actor to have done that was one of the
worst predicaments
you know that’s like
you know like
people have caught people with hookers like hugh
grant got busted with hookers and
you know and alec
baldwin yelled at his kid
that’s all good
but you know
it’s not that bad no
right i’m the world out
here as a nigger there’s look we have a nigger this is
joe i mean i know it i know what he was trying to do
spoiler what he’s trying to do spoiler
what he’s trying to do is say something
completely shocking
and somehow another
rescue himself from a bad situation
where he was bombing
and he wanted to
figure out how to get them how to hurt them how to shot
how to let them know that he didn’t give a fuck
you know like oh you’re
gonna fuck with my show you
think it’s okay oh you
think because i’m on seinfeld i won’t get
crazy at you
oh look here’s a nigger
look we have some niggers
you know and everybody was like whoa what the fuck
it’s shocking
but what’s most
shocking to me
is that that word
still works
it’s one of the few
words that people
still freak out it
still has magic left in it you know
still has that
ability to affect people’s
interesting it’s amazing yeah
the only one left
other one i
think cunt yeah
dude i have a
whole bid on it
i have a whole bid
about the three
magic words love nigger and cunt
those are the
three words or
the three magic words that have
like the word love
always has way more
power than any
other words you can string together like i care
about you so much i
think about you all day
i don’t know what it is i
just when i’m around you i want to be affectionate
do you love me
you have to say it you have to say
i love you like i love oh
it’s the fucking we’re in we’re in the
house we’re in the love house
we all go in and that’s
magic word number one cunt sort of
but that’s getting
used a lot yeah
it’s toss especially in england oh marks these
cards now so i don’t think
is hallmark
using cunting cards
in england they cunt
all the time
everything’s cunt this fucking cunt
can’t fucking cunt this talking
about dudes yeah
yeah this fucking cunt over here
yeah they start they cunted
up so much that it’s like this fucking dude it’s like
they’re saying dude we’re
gonna be left with two words yeah
but but neger
still very very controversial
you know and just even the joke in my act i
would say that even saying it’s a word like
i’m not even calling anybody we’re just saying the word
and you’re like candyman
candyman candyman
it is like that
it’s like you’re saying an incantation that’s
going to bring violence your way
like you are
using a bad
word you’re not even calling anybody anything
you’re just saying that this word exists and
in enchanting it and saying it out loud
you run the risk of violence
yeah it’s amazing
that’s amazing and it’s two thousand and ten
and we think that’s okay i
think it’s one of the few words
where i can’t even hear my own
voice saying it
cause i don’t think i’ve
had the courage to
voice it oh it’s just a word
i say it’s all the time and you fucking them
yeah tell me how you do it tell me what you say fucking
whoa that was offensive brian
i thought you were
gonna say n word
fucking n word that’s even more offensive
bitch she’s not
really swear
funny you might be wearing a wire you
dirty n word but she’s
but she’s not
really one so it’s not bad you know if she was really
black then it
would feel bad but
she’s white oh
you could be
white you can be a
white nigger
i think that’s in a song somewhere
i’m sure it is what’s a wigger no nigger
brian stop saying that it’s uncomfortable for everyone
we just weirded out half america
half america
ridiculous is
a hundred thousand people listening to this
thing listen
folks they’re just words that’s the
point it’s a ridiculous
point that’s
been argued throughout time it shouldn’t shouldn’t be
still going on
it shouldn’t be it
should always be your intent
it should always
be like whenever you’re in any environment
where you’re not allowed to say certain words
you make that environment at least 20
bullshit at all times
any work environment
that you’re at nobody’s really totally being themselves
everybody has to have this
stupid guard up
cause you can’t say
can’t you can’t say fuck and you can’t say
shit and you can’t
talk honestly
about how you feel about
things no you’re
in a professional working environment accept that
flashlight i’ll have to accept
that flashlight
chris by the way works at
chris is what is your
exact job over there is your
executive vp of
marketing and business he’s
the reason why we made the
connection and
he’s also the reason why they have an avatar flashlight
now just as
a correct just as a
correction this is not avatar
oh did i say avatar
this is the
alien pussy
which we actually used to be blue
we actually launched this two years ago
which is totally
which is how we’re
getting around
space so we pushed this out two years ago as just a
space vagina we put some girls in some blue lipstick
oh so this is
the raw avatar but it just happens that they’re just
super hot and
here’s the blue
you didn’t even make it look like a vagina
at all double clits i like how you did that i like it
double click
inside the mold is a
whole bunch of
different stuff
the mold inside is like a bunch of
space shells and
stuff and kind of grains
every thousand plus side has a razor blade
has like different ribs inside okay
urban myth is that an urban myth the razor
blade in the vagina from vietnam is that an urban myth
i’ve never heard
that you never heard that
yeah man hookers would take these back in vietnam
was like when i was a kid in high
school you growing up in boston
back in vietnam i heard what they did they took
razor blades and they put them up the girls in china
then you fuck them and cut your dick in half
you never heard that before
never wow i hung out with a bad crowd
have you heard of the rape condoms
i’ve heard of those yeah they have little
spikes on them
what they shove it in the girl
the girl shoves it inside of her like a tampon
okay and it’s
basically like an interior lining for her vagina
that’s filled with barbs
like fucking like with you know like fish hook
type deals yeah so these guys
they rape a lot
apparently in
africa it’s like a serious serious problem super in
right now it’s like
one out of three
women in africa has been raped
certain areas of africa
and this is one of the areas
where they’re pushing
these rape condoms like
those guys are
gonna kill now
now it’s not just
gonna be rape it’s
gonna be rape and murder
you know if a guy
sticks his dick inside you and comes out bloody and
covered with fish hooks
chances are he
might hit you right
yeah even if
he’s raping you
it’s gonna give
you an asshole that he would rape you
yeah so give you a moment
but a guy was such an asshole that he would rape you
you don’t think he’ll kill you if you cut his dick up
that guy’s a piece of shit you know
he’s not gonna go you were right
you were right i shouldn’t have raped you
i got fish hooks on my dick i deserve it yeah
yeah no he’s gonna attack you
right i would assume
we went out i
was actually out there in africa kenya tanzania uganda
and out with some of the
tribesmen we
were working with some of the men out there to try and
actually instill traditional martial arts into them
so that they
could see some
kind of martial arts the tribesmen
yeah and some of the
inner city to
slum kids because really they have a
whole generation of fathers that are gone from aids
just no father figures so they have
nothing else to really go
to so they get picked up by gangs they get picked up by
these war parties
and then they get turned into little killers
so what we’re trying to do is show them some kind of
paternal discipline
and show them that
they can be
strong and powerful without having to be in a gang
and it was a really cool program
and it worked but it’s fucking intense out there man
really intense we
ended up having to stop the program because
civil war broke
out in kenya and it was just too nutty to keep doing it
god damn yeah
it was it was pretty
crazy so you’re over there teaching
them martial arts yep
wow very like traditional stylized you know we
were going into
mma ground impound
just like discipline
karate type shit going
through the kata and
you know definitely
speaking to them and they i mean they dug
it you know it’s kind of interesting that africa’s not
known for martial arts
you know it’s like africa’s the cradle of
right that’s where
humans emanated from
but really martial
arts didn’t really pick up
until they got to like asia i mean there was
other martial arts that were developed in
other countries but for whatever reason
i think it’s
cause africa was so fucked up
they just went straight to weapons yeah
like what are we doing we’re
fucking around here with karate chops
give me a gun
you have a gun give me a pointy
stick man give me some shit i
gotta stab some
fucking animals with some hyenas
trying to eat my kids all right
you can’t just you know
fucking box them
like in ireland
hey how are
you trying to eat me kids
yeah man in ireland you know what do they have to
worry a deer gets into your yard
you know i’m saying
they had time to beat the fuck out of each other
yeah they didn’t even bother
learning mma
they didn’t even bother
with takedowns or leg kicks or anything like that
they’re like ah this is good enough just use our hands
we don’t need to get
crazy with the knees
come on a flattery elbows are
against the rules lad why are you hitting me with that
we’re not trying to kill each other okay
but in africa they’re like fuck you they’re going
right for pointy
sticks to your
chest well they’re
poison darts and shit well guns
yeah they’re
just trying to they’re trying to jack you the
exception is the
greco roman
style wrestling that some of the
tribes have
really yeah like a
good greco in africa
yeah some of the
tribes that’s how that’s what determines the
alpha in the
tribe really
all kinds of
crazy rituals like do they have good technique do you
think you could take their back
yeah dude you
they don’t defend
the double like
no no no way
no way you can let him get on top
sweep his ass
yeah you know you don’t got no base
you don’t know
about the rubber
guard you ain’t know you know
about my lockdown
up and down son he’s choked out i get half
guard on you
bitch you got a problem
you got a deep problem make up
with shit in his life
so what kind of wrestling do they do
well it’s just like you know
like real greco roman you know
but is it like technical do they understand
under hooks and overhooks i know yeah
what kind of
throws they have throws that are like judo throws
and they’re good
when you like an all american wrestler
they would go there and jack them
jack i mean they don’t have the nutrition and the
training yeah they’re eating bugs and shit
then i go for you greco
bugs they’re good for your wrestling
drinking some stuff out yeah
drinking goat blood and shit yeah
you know we were talking
about this in the show before but in africa
trap panning
and when you cut a hole
into the top of the head
have you ever seen that no dude some
tribes in africa
do the narnly as shit to their bodies
and i’ve always tried to figure out what that is
where where
where where is that coming from
but one of them is
trappening trepam
and what it means cutting a hole through the skull
and like exposing the brain
and this one guy had done it 20
times antiseptic conditions no
yeah they’re doing it with coconut shells and shit
fucking cut your head over with a
sharp rock and i’m not joking
they are using rocks and shit carving carving
no anesthetic whatsoever
carving in a dude’s skulls
and then the women in surrey
who cut the hole in their lip
and they put
plates in and the bigger the plate
the more cows you’re worth when you get married
like what is that about what is all that those are
tough to figure out the one scarification they
do a lot of that one that’s easier to figure out but i
think is maybe the
worst is the clitorectomy
by the mass
i tribe traditional mass
i i mean not just them right
yeah yeah this
is more so bad yeah
and it’s just you know
and then once
you know once they do that like sex is just
never pleasurable
so i mean it’s a
you know they’re trying to do it
do it because
they’re haters
yeah they’re haters
the can’t they have no game
and they want to control these
chicks for life
and then the
chick turns like
twenty and she wise is up like dude you fucking smell
i’m not into this relationship
i’m gonna get some good dick
right and she
tries to leave and
you are my property
and they have problems you know
it’s a bunch of haters man it’s all
those faggots that won’t let
chicks dance
all those dudes who
wanna put chicks and burkas and shit
come at everything but your eyes
you know they want them walk around like they’re you
know inside of a
trash can looking through a slot you know
all totally insecure haters little faggots yeah little
bitch ass people living in the middle of nowhere
for sure it’s the dumbest
place in the
world because it’s the
first place
i always say that the middle east is
basically they like the townies of the world
because that is
where written language was created i mean
the middle east is responsible for so many
first you know mesopotamia babylonia
where iraq is is ancient sumera
they had the
first written language
the first agriculture
the first government the first
astrology the
first astronomy
i mean they had a lot
of first there was a brilliant brilliant
place i mean
so much development but
everybody like in all good
places they got
tired of the douchebags and they moved
and everybody
spread out civilizations
spread out across the country it’s just like america
if you go the east
coast you get a lot of holdouts that’s what it is
a lot of stubborn people that go i fucking like it here
fuck everybody else
and what they really are is the
grandchildren and children of fucking savages
people in ireland and poland and england
that that life over there sucked so much cock
they were willing to get on a boat for
months and come to them someplace
they didn’t even know what the fuck it was
and so then they get there
and then they
huddle up and they try to figure out this new
place and fight off the fucking indians
do whatever they have to do to make a business and keep
smart goes there’s
gotta be someplace
better than this let’s get the fuck out of here
and they started
traveling west devote your
vital energy to something besides bear survival yeah so
that is the
beginning is sumair
and that is iraq and that is the middle east
that’s why the middle east is so fucked
up that’s why there’s such haters over there you know i
have a theory that i don’t
think has been
explored very much but it seems like in the desert
areas of the
world they’re very
patriarchal dominated
and then you get to the
coastlands you get to the jungles they have a lot more
matriarchal societies that have a lot more respect for
women and the religions
appear different
something about that dry
arid landscaping of course
the major desert religion
studios and christianity
islam have kind of really
taken hold there
for whatever reason that kind of
dominance that occurs
out there in those it’s
hard life right
it’s a hard life it demands
hard living you know
you have to make
you gotta be
and you also have to realize that
they had this
hard radical
ideology thousands
and thousands of years ago and a hard radical
ideology is very difficult to
break without a revolution
it doesn’t sort of evolve
you know if
their ideology
about like and i don’t know
how recent it’s been that they’ve been so restrict with
women with the clitorectomies and with the burkes and
i mean how recent has that been
i mean it’s
still going on
right but i mean
when did it
start i mean
how what is it something that’s been
going on for hundreds
of years at
least thousands of years the hundred
i don’t know
i don’t know i think but
when you have a situation
where there’s a lot of fear
and a lot of
religious fanaticism
it’s really hard to change because everybody’s scared
well even the females for the clit erectomies
some of them feel like they can’t become a woman
until they get it it’s
so in grain
so if they make it illegal
it’s actually forcing some women
to get them done
in even worse
conditions than
the flint rock and the chisel or whatever the thing is
to get it done so
it’s a nightmare
i mean you really got to attack it with education
you know i mean that’s the only real option
it’s one of
those things where i
think about
there’s certain
levels of fear
when fear gets ingrained into a culture
and when it’s
control and that’s what a lot of that is a lot of
this the controlling of
women with the
clothing and the dancing and you know
to try to prevent
other men from fucking them and all that craziness
right when that shit gets a hold of a
culture it’s very hard to get it out
you know i’m saying like it takes like a new restart
or a person sure
sure absolutely
but at least a
culture or a
person rather responsible for themselves like
people can wake up and go hey i’m a douchebag i need
to snap out of this right
it’s very difficult for a
culture to wake up and go hey we’re fucked up
look what we’re
doing overseas look we’re pretending that this is
going on and we’re making billions and
we got all these fucking
dummies that are listening to us we can do better
it’s very rare that a
culture wakes up or a government wakes up or any
large group
but a person can wake up
right you know i mean i
think the best
thing to do
would be to put internet kiosks
fucking everywhere or
just put that in
satellite internet
just get them out there and have them watch
spice girls
i mean like at that
point you know they’re
gonna say yeah
they kind of
do that with those
cheap laptops you have you seen
those things as like are they getting
into yeah like
throwing them in different
places like that’s
the yeah but
they yeah they
definitely need some big
of the retardation that they’ve gone through
for decades and hundreds and thousands of years
you know they need something to get them to evolve
you know when if you get like people that are just so
wacky about a certain
ideology to the
point where
they’re so nutty
that you’re not even allowed to draw
their main dude
oh yeah think how
crazy that is
yeah you can’t draw
their main guy or they’ll kill you
why do we tolerate this
why does anyone tolerate that
i mean that is
absolutely crazy
like it’s not saying no one saying that muhammad
doesn’t exist or
never did exist or he’s not a prophet he
might very well be
i am completely uneducated to that matter
but you’re telling me that you can’t draw them
come on that’s silly
one of the tenants i had a
great philosophy instructor when i was
going to school
and one of the tenants that he
taught he was
philosophy of religion
specialist and he said
any god that
should be worship
should be worthy of worship
if you’re a god and someone’s drawing you
and you’re gonna
smite them i mean that dude isn’t
worthy of words well it’s the
followers that
smite right
but it’s because
they’re smiting because they
feel it’s an offense to god
right like if someone’s drawing you
you’re not gonna get pissed so does that mean that
you’re better than god it can’t be you can’t have a
system where
the god isn’t
worthy of worship and being
as good as another man and this was
my thought is that all of this
it seems so archaic and
ridiculous it seems
so several thousand years ago
it’s amazing that this kind of ideology
is allowed to live
through this
age of information like deep into the 2000s
that’s fascinating man it’s fascinating
it is i think there’s a real grain of
truth at the bottom of all
these religions some beautiful
things i mean i’m sure in the quran
i’m not as familiar as i
am with some of the
other works but i’ve seen a little bit
there’s beautiful passages spiritual
spiritual and really
powerfully beautiful passages and all that but then
men get in there
and they’re able to utilize that as a mechanism of
power to wield more power over
other people
it just gets kind of
twisted well what’s the origin of it all
i mean if it isn’t the word of god what is it is it
smart people who figure some
things out and
somehow another figure out how to tell it to people
and those people tell it to each
other for thousands
of years and then it eventually gets written down
and by that
point it’s become fables and the words have been
twisted and
things have gotten strange and
the translations are off the memories off
you know i mean
if you’re dealing with something as big as the
bible how many hundreds of pages is that
it’s a lot okay
it’s a lot so
dudes had to
say it is a
spoken word
thing for like a thousand years
and then they
wrote it down
it was a while and they had a council to decide
you know it was like a editing council
where they decided
which now this goes in now this goes out well how
about the fucking
new testament the new testament’s even better than that
there were canons for the new testament they just
threw out they’re like
fucking editor they just recently redid
it oh they redid
it yeah they have like a newer newer
yeah i was just talking to
jesus and shit and
we got some old notes we got some old
tupac tapes
gonna pull out
jesus is like tupac
they’re redoing his words
that talking
snake shit yeah
there was like a
bunch of apostles that were like
man that dude
and all that
i don’t care if we know jesus
they chose the words that
you know fitted there
there jenna
yeah well that was constantine
that was when constantine was controlling rome he was a
smart dude he realized he needed to rope people
up with one universal religion it couldn’t be pagan
well at that
point though the
slave class had really outnumbered
you know the
other classes so he was
you know he says it came to him in a
dream or whatever but i
think he was trying to survive yeah i mean
the christianity
spread in the
lower classes i mean
they idealized that
theory that they were
gonna go to heaven and all
these rich people
who were putting him to work and doing shitty
stuff to him
they were gonna go to hell so it took off
and then he
was like oh shit almost our entire country is slaves
i’m a christian like bam i had a dream
you know really and then that’s what that’s what did it
he says it came to him in a
dream but really i
think it was survival so
the christians were just
taken over then they were
there was just too many in that
lower class
versus the patricians who were
well outnumbered at that
point that’s
fascinating so it was a survival move more than
a control move i
think so at that
point the adoption of christianity was like he saw the
flood you know he saw the tides
going and he was
gonna either
get trampled by it
or he was gonna
you know go with it
wouldn’t have loved
to been in that war meeting yeah
for real well they’re like alright well how we
gonna handle this yeah
like yo we got some shit
some shit is going down
this is people out there with
pitchforks and
fucking torches and shit yeah
feeding him the lions was
mad at that point
let’s tell we
found jesus
yes i like that that’s how we
found jesus go with it
i’m fucking
i’m born again i don’t know
about y’all
are you born again
i’m totally bored
again we can
still keep everything
going as usual yeah
yeah yeah yeah we
bring them in we’re
gonna have to include them but they’re not
gonna kill us yeah
okay we’re good we’re born
again we’re born again
after the races
history has changed oh
ridiculous and he didn’t even become a christian till
right before he died
yeah you know
right wasn’t he
baptized like before he died
i’m not sure
exactly the time not
a little bit for a long time yeah it wasn’t a while
i mean you did
start leading like
dunking my fucking head in the water
you gotta do it you
gotta do it they don’t believe you
unless you do it
yeah i gotta fucking get in the
water the water sucks it’s cold yeah
you gotta do
their thing
you gotta get in the water
you know he’s on
point he’s posted a video
about him but i’ve read
all of his books as john shelby spawn
why christianity must change or die i
think you actually posted a youtube
video i’m sure
he did yeah
and he’s a preacher who kinda
is commenting
and very devout christian who’s commenting on you know
the way christianity is gone and the
second book is why christianity must change or die
and it’s really a poignant
book for anybody interested in yeah he was
super fascinating
he was like we’re in the control business this
is all the control business
he was like so upfront
about his whole
you know the entire
career that he had in it brutally
honest wow his
first book goes through different passages and
basically attacks the
fundamentalist position of christianity
and says look you know this
doesn’t make
sense this was a book it was a guidebook
there’s lots of
stuff that doesn’t make a lot of
sense in here anymore
let’s go through
this let’s get rid of this and then his
second book philosophically talks
about how the
evolution of christianity needs to be
in order for that religion to survive
and i think
ultimately it will i
think it’s happening
like the fire and brimstone that used to be
that bosch paintings of people just
getting ripped apart
you go to el
duomo in florence you look up at the ceiling
and there’s
demons with
these big giant
big giant wooden
flaming staff shoving them in people’s
asses and like a
demon that’s like shoving one in some girls pussy wow
and you’re in this church beautiful church
and like what the fuck is up here like that is crazy
what is the name of this
place again
el duomo el
duomo el duomo
it’s the center church in the middle of florence
oh my god climb up
to see this fucking
bananas i have to see this
i mean i’ve been there do they have
they must have the
photos yeah
for sure sure
so what is the
story behind all that well i mean at that
point i mean they were pushing
well it was for sodomy and
adultery and that was the
crimes being punished but they
would be punished by
spell el duomo
it’s you i think it
might be il
since it’s italy
and then duo mo
it’s in italy those crazy italians yeah
but i mean just just naughty man
italians are so nuts man you know
i’m italian i grew up italian
but it’s because they’re so
savage that they’re always riddled with guilt
yeah they’re just so fucking crazy
they’re the leftover romans man that’s real shit
where’s the
photos of the dragons and the assholes and shit
so it’s gonna be the interior of the dome
the interior of the dome
need to see this
it’s a beautiful fucking building yeah
shit stunning i mean it’s done made some
they made some dope ass architecture did
they were on
point it’s not amazing
isn’t that amazing that if like if you look at like the
vatican you know
and look at like a lot of the shit from like
the like all the shit that davinci
painted like the sistine
chapel and stuff like
no one does anything like that these days
some of the
sculptures i looked at some of the work by this artist
named bernini
and i sat this
one and it was a lady sitting on the pillows the name
well bernini
actually did the ones that were like daphne and apollo
and the rape of persephone
and just to look at how
he was able to
sculpt someone’s fingers digging into someone’s flesh
like hades is
digging into persephone he’s into her side like
grabbing the side of it
and you cannot believe that it’s
marble i mean just the way that he makes it like fleshy
and life like canova did the same
thing with this lady reclining on a pillow
just sculpting sheets
out of marvel that looked like they’re
you know you could
fluff them in the breeze yeah
what the fuck
just incredible and
all this stuff just passed on through
generation after
generation of
learning how to work with
stone and carve
and yeah fuck
yeah that’ll
never be duplicated yeah it’s like people are
just way too lazy
yeah i’m not carving shit out of
stone fuck all
the weaknesses in the marble and envisioning
what could come out of it but we’ll do some
crazy shit like walk through the amazon
we’ll do some
nice shit like i’m
gonna be the first guy
like douchebag do you know you can take a boat
and it’s like a few
hours you go all around well
you know it’s even crazier than walking through
the amazon have you seen the documentary big riverman
the dude who swam
the amazon what he swam
the amazon oh like this one will be easy to
bring up because
it’s a big riverman com and see it
that dude is nuts so he’s from like
he’s trying to
die yeah well he does pretty much takes 65 days right
so it’s his documentary this guy and he
started swimming because he had this alcoholic father
and his father
would come home and try
and beat him he’s in eastern europe try and beat him
he figured out
he figured out if he went in the
river his dad
wouldn’t follow him and so he’d just swim and his dad
would chase him
along the riverside
what and so eventually he
learned to be this stamina endurance
swimmer but he got all fucked in the head
you know and so
he goes out and he swam
all of the world’s biggest rivers
and so he goes
out on the amazon i just saw this happen to
catch this late
night and i was just amazed and he
doesn’t do it like
a normal swimmer
would like take
their protein and do that
he’s like getting them to
throw bottles of wine in the
water and whiskey
he comes off he
drinks another two bottles of wine
and he’s not even in
shape he’s like
he’s kind of like chubby
you know and he gets there
but then around day 40
he’s drinking the
water from the amazon so all the
parasites again
he has an onboard doctor and he’s like
shocking himself with
electroshock therapy to kill the parasites
and he’s like
screaming with
stuff in his
head and like batteries attached to him
it’s nutty but then
around the 40th day
the last you
ever hear from him in the documentary he goes
i’m crossing into the fourth dimension now
and he just fucking is gone
at that point just gone
and then so he’ll like wake up
early in the morning and swim away from the boat
and they won’t know
where he is
like pointing their
light out and trying to find him they see him
naked on some
river bank looking at
driftwood just god
so is he gone
because he was just
fucked to begin with or was it all the parasites
i think it’s
the parasites and just not taking care of himself
exhaustion he’s so sunburned he has to wear this
like mask he looks like silence of the lambs is mask
covering his face holy
shit yeah it’s it’s nutty
the big river man is the name of it martin strel
i believe is his name
and it’s funny
there’s some naughty
motherfuckers it is a
broad spectrum of
human beings yeah
it’s broad yeah you know
just when you
think you’ve got people
completely figured out you’ll
find some new one online
you’ll see some new shit
i guess when he was
swimming the yangtze
it was so dirty in some of the industrial areas
that he had to have
nightly blood
transfusions from a
nurse on the boat just
new blood in old blood out
and he just
kept swimming
the pictures of that swim are just insane
you want to swim
all of the biggest
rivers of the world okay
what is it about
people doing dangerous shit that they don’t have to do
it’s one thing that if you get thrown
into the amazon you have to figure out a way to swim
to stay alive and make it to the
shore and then get back to safety
i survived in the woods
i started a fire with rocks
i know how to get back
and i got back and i made it that’s an excellent story
but when you thrust yourself into that situation
like that’s not a game that’s a
river yeah well i think
what is that it’s not
the survival instinct that has
propagated the species it’s the instinct to reproduce
and doing dangerous shit
has always gotten chicks
and really that’s what it is yeah i mean
how do you how do you account for chicks
that like getting hot air balloons
and go across the world
how about this
chick who’s rowing her way
she’s on a sailboat
she’s like 16
and she’s sailing across the ocean
what’s that
about is he a lesbian
she’s trying to get some
pussy i don’t know i mean i
think that’s some kind of
you know some kind of tapping into the same
some of the same instincts i mean dude
lesbians trying to pick up straight chicks is
just as creepy
as dudes trying to pick up straight chicks
my girl certainly gets her gets her fair share
i was at the mailbox
and i’m about to send a package and this there’s this
lesbian lady
and she’s like so obviously dikey just
big and she’s got a mullet and
it’s like the whole deal
right now and she’s got like
going out of her windows
eddie bravo
falcon wristbands
it’s like a leather
strap on her wrist
and the girl in
front of her is
getting a package
you know and
she dropped something she was like oh i’m
sorry i’m so disorganized
and the lesbian goes
don’t apologize for being human
i was like oh
it was so gross
i literally put my hand up to my
mouth i’m like
it was so like
sleazy here’s my card
you know it was so like low rent
you know traveling
vacuum salesman trying to fuck somebody’s wife
you know i mean it was like so sad
don’t apologize for being human
like that must be what it
sounds like you know when dudes try to do it too yeah
i’m sure it is
it is it’s the same thing right yeah
when you hear a dude like with a sleazy cheesy line
you know like oh you feel bad for that chick that
could be your sister that
could be your daughter she’s gonna listen this moron
you know i could always just give it to you
right here in my car
yeah it’s brutal oh
yeah could be someone’s kid
that perspective comes from having
dude that perspective jacks you when you have children
everything changes porn becomes like a sad story
you know like only poor girl getting mouth fucked
think about it that used to be somebody’s baby
somebody’s little girl used to be a thumb now it’s some
big giant black dick
glug glug glug
she’s getting gagged slapped in the face with it wow
can’t enjoy it
not so fun changed it
change the game have you been you you’ve been
brian have you ever been to settle porn
where a set of a porn
i just like my bedroom and stuff like that
tell us brian
speaking of which
play your friend
your friends club oh yeah
yeah so this not
speaking of
which i mean
you really this is not a romantic situation
here’s some porn i
filmed no this
is actually from
tripoli’s naughty show this is
a video that
tell everybody
they don’t have to see it it’s
funny enough
as it is but if you want to see it
what is the youtube address
it’s just type in
a little esther
on the street
on a little
esther on the
street know what this is
brian’s friend she’s twenty two
twenty two but she looks like she’s
twelve yeah
twelve years
old seriously she really looks like she’s like
and that’s her whole
thing and she was on
jimmy kimmel she played
jimmy kimmel’s
sister on jimmy kimmel
and one episode and what is her name
esther esther yeah
as you call her
they go by little
esther she’s hilarious she’s like a new up and coming
comic i would say that
she does a lot of comedy
store stuff and
esther i’m sorry
what’s your last name again
she goes by little esther
little esther
yeah so you can find
her her name is a mystery
well if you go on twitter
it’s twitter dot
com backslash lil
underscore ether
i’ll tweet it in a bit but
yeah it’s called lil ether and here’s
that so how do you
spell esther
hold on e s t
h e r oh it’s
s through huh yeah
i would have got that wrong
so but then i
would have looked at it the
right way and be like
that doesn’t look
right either est
er they look
stupid yes all
right whatever let’s let’s hear this it’s
funny she’s on the
street she’s a
she’s a girl
literally looks
like she’s 12 years old and she’s just walking and
yeah and she’s saying this this is for her health
class you know all right
so here goes
little esther
she’s got questions she needs answers this
should be interesting
so i’m just asking questions for my teen health project
what does friends with benefits mean
it’s loading up it was loaded oh that’s okay
brian i can’t believe you did that
it was loaded up earlier but you know we went and
stopped it anyway blah blah blah
are you playing it over again
they already heard that part
god damn it
anyways it’s really funny yeah just go to online
we’ll play it in a bit we’ll load up
while we’re waiting
let it load up okay anyway she’s 12 and she looks
she looks like she’s 12 it’s really funny video
yeah from sam tripoli’s naughty show
and she asked dirty questions
yeah you already know the joke right
but it’s good it’s a good joke
it’s very similar to that man show boy concept time he
is but way dirtier kid looks really young but way
more wrong yeah it’s a girl
but at least it’s really
she’s really an
adult as opposed
to the mancho boy was like a real little kid was it
i thought it wasn’t i thought no no no
no it was a kid
it was like 15 or something
he was a boy
right and he aged
while the show was
going on i didn’t know that became the man show
you know like a
teenager you know
i always got that kid
mixed up with andy
melanakis or whatever his name is
you know what i don’t even know who andy melanakis is
i know the name
i’ve seen the name written in
print it’s like a
cultural pop icon name
right i know some will say it
and i don’t know who it is
i don’t get it i’ve seen it a hundred times it’s pretty
funny and he
is it comic
yeah well he’s like like a
video guy that you did i don’t even know like a youtube
guy like a youtube
but kind of but he also has been in like
stuff you know
movies i hope people don’t get offended when you
say they don’t know who they are there’s just so many
people to know from
mtv i think
there’s too much shit
going on man i can’t keep up with all
those goddamn
videos people are sending me
i look at my twitter it’s like
if i wanted to just
waste my entire life
not waste but use up all my time
i would just go on my twitter and
watch all the
videos that people send me all
these fucked up
crazy videos over and over and over and over
again all day
check this out
oh my god have you ever seen this
how is this guy
still alive
everyday animal attacks car wrecks
motorcycle crash
animal attacks
it’s all fucking day dude yes so much content out there
it’s impossible
to watch it all
our minds are being reprogrammed
you sit in front of
these fucking computers just inundated with crazy shit
over and over
again all day if you have time
if you have time and your dick works
someone’s gonna send you something fucked up
right because if you have time and you’re
young enough to be having fun in life
you’re gonna have some fun friends
and if you have fun friends they’re
gonna see some fucked up shit
if they’re gonna see some fucked up shit
then i want you to see it too
right right
if it tweaks them they’re
gonna want to send it to you they want
to they’re gonna want to be the one that shocks you
it’s too much man it is
it’s good it’s you know
every once in a
while just reading
a book with actual pages you know cuz i got the ipad
thing and i like that too you know yeah but
it’s sometimes comforting just to go back
just back shut some
stuff on this page
well you know
letters you’ve
tried this recently
and this is a big
thing that i do it’s a sensory deprivation tank
you just tried it for the
first time right
and what did you
what did you think
about that well i
think i sent this to you in an
email but i likened it to the
first time i had sex like
i could tell it was something rad
and i knew i was
gonna dig it for the most
the rest of my life
but i was terrible at it like just not not
quite good at it yet you know you have to really just
relax your mind and
i was fidgeting with
how comfortable i was but then
i also was super tired when
i was in there
it was a long week and i didn’t have it
available to me except for
kind of late
in the evening and i wanted to make sure i got in
so i started to fall asleep but it was this
crazy consciousness in the
sleep like i saw this window
of where sleep was and i
could visually see it i
could see it with my eyes open
and i could
crawl in it
and i was asleep
and i could
crawl out of it
and not be asleep and i was
fully in control
of how it was
going and that
was pretty wild i mean
what you’re able to do with your mind in that situation
where you can’t tell when your eyes are
open and your eyes are closed and there’s no feeling
no sensation on your body
the amount of
control i was able to exercise was amazing
didn’t find any kind of
great lucid information out of it
but the experience was
wild i mean i’ve
never been able to see
those layers
because usually you just
pass out you don’t know when you fell asleep all of a
sudden you’re
awake you remember that
then all of a
sudden you’re asleep and you wake up the next morning
but this i was able to see the steps and
in between and you
never realize how
quiet it is
until the power goes out in your house yeah
you know when the
power goes out in the neighborhood and the
power’s out
everywhere that
you hear things go off
and there’s that that dead silence that you read
you don’t get any other way
well the tank is that times a million
the tank is that with your body it shuts
everything off yeah
everything it’s it’s one of the
things that i always talk
about i talk
about on this podcast all the time
i talk about in interviews all the time and the
thing that i always say is that i’m
i’m always shocked that people don’t do this i’m always
shocked that people don’t know
about this i’m
shocked that there’s not one of these on
every corner
that people aren’t
having these
things put in their
house they have
jacuzzis put in
their house
why don’t you have an isolation tank
like do you not want to be
happy do you not want to
think do you not
want to relax some people are running like hell from
their own thoughts
that’s too dangerous into
too much work man that’s too much work it’s more work
to run from your shit than it is to face your shit
and that there’s
no facing your shit like facing your shit in that tank
you can’t hide behind any bullshit when you’re in there
there’s no distractions there’s nothing
you get right immediately to
whatever was fucking with you
anything and
then once you get good at that then you become a jedi
you become an astral
traveler you get in there and you
learn how to really let go just lock in quick
i lock in within 15 minutes i’m gone
i settle in
it always the
thing is you always
gotta get your body to
relax there’s so easy
there’s so much
tension can
carry around in
you you don’t realize how much tension you have in you
until you’re in a zero gravity environment
and you realize you’re holding yourself yeah
you’re like pulling yourself in like your
back and muscles are pulled in your arms are pulling
you don’t even realize you’re doing this you’re
fighting the
world all the time
but when you
get in there and then all that shit goes away
then about 15 minutes
in once the breathing stabilizes
and then i go
then i’m gone then i’m
off in the land
of wild hallucinations and fucking vivid
dreams and lucid
dreaming and flying and
communicating with
entities and
having things
explained to you in gigantic
three dimensional numbers from an
alien planet that are rotating around you and some big
holoscope that’s
like a hologram that shaped like the planet
earth i was
watching the universe being explained to me
in letters that were from another planet
that were spinning around that were
three dimensional
and it was all being orchestrated
by these aliens and it made
sense to me
while i was
watching it
i was trying to figure out
their code and
their pattern
so this is how the
whole universe works
it all works by this one
thing then everything goes into another
thing and that
goes deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper
that’s how crazy the tank is
yeah why is that not everywhere
well i mean there’s
other ways to get there too not there
there ain’t no
other ways to get there
unless you’re doing drugs
exactly that’s kind of
where i was leading to
but there’s
but even those are better in the tank
yeah you think you know what
mushrooms feel like
mushrooms in the tank are
a totally different animal man there’s no distractions
that mushroom gets to talk
right to you you know
the weed in the tank the weeds talking
right to you there’s no
my ass is on the
couch and the
light is hitting my eyes and the
elbow touches the seat
arm there’s none of that there’s no
input there’s so many
powerful weapons
at our disposal that people are so scared of
i mean it’s just
crazy i mean the tank is one of them obviously
a huge resource and it’s easy it’s just
you know you can’t complain
about anything but then there’s other
shamans for years i think
the best way i’ve
heard it describe is this
rad book called the cosmic serpent by jeremy narbie
and he says
that shaman’s goal is to
lead you to the realm of the
spirits and then
allow you to defocalize
he talks about it like a
stereogram you remember
those 3d images
where you relax your eyes and
the 3d would pop out
he’s like that’s what
you’re doing when you’re in that kind of shamanistic
experience is you’re defocalizing your body
and then allowing communication
to come through
but his theories are
pretty amazing i mean
these conversations are there’s people
right now that are listening okay
and there’s two groups of people
no obviously there’s more than two but
when it comes to the subject there’s people who’ve had
psychedelic experiences
and people who have no fucking idea what we’re talking
about like literally
you think we’re talking
about hippie fairy dust
you know like this what it sounds like you’re wait a
minute what are you doing you’re
tuning in to what are you
tuning into
what are you
you’re tuning in to santa claus what’s going on right
like there’s even intelligent scientists
that will have conversations
and if you bring up any sort of
psychedelic or any sort of
psychedelic compound or altered states of consciousness
they just shot off on you
they just immediately discredit
everything you’re saying well you’re just talking
about getting high and this is
put it in a nice little box that they can
discard and they toss it away
but if they’ve done mushrooms they’ll go
oh yeah exactly
right i get it they’ll look at you and go yeah it
might be that yeah it
might be that i’ve talked
to like some serious serious fucking scientists man
and guys who have
phds and guys who work at universities
teaching schools
i mean teaching
physics courses and shit
i’ve talked to them
about psychedelics
and had some fascinating conversations
where people
who are way
smarter than me way more educated than me way
way more experience in the ways of the
world and they’ve had a
bunch of psychedelic
and you know they’ll tell you like
who knows what that is
yeah who the fuck knows what that
is well that
might be a billion different
thing this is a pretty
cool theory by jeremy narbie and i’ll give you the
cliff notes here so for
discussion sake but he went down to
the iowa scar
o shamans down in the jungle and
had took the ayahuasca
with them and he was just an anthropologist
and for people who don’t know let’s explain what
ayahuasca is
ayahuasca is two different
plants there’s the actual
active plant
that is part of a vine
and then somehow
out of the 80 000 species into amazon they figured out
things that’s
more than that yeah there’s this other leaf
that they needed
to combine with it to actually make it work an
mao inhibitor
and so they combine this and they make it into
a tea and it’s been part of the traditional religious
ceremonies down there yeah
see what this dmt
stuff is is a chemical that it’s the most potent
psychedelic drug
known to man but it
exists in a
bunch of different plants but
you can’t eat it
because when you eat it it
exists in so many different
things i guess your body has some
protection for it
cause if you eat grass
grass has dmt in it well there’s a
thing that your stomach makes called monoamine
oxidase and that’s m a o
so these guys figured out how to mix an
m a o inhibitor
that kills the
m a o in their system
with this dmt so that they can take it orally yeah
and you talk to
when they interview the guys and they
asked them how they figured this shit out
thousands of years ago by the way
they said the
plants talked to them
that’s how they say
about all the
medicines that they yeah
the plants told him so jeremy
he took that and he was like how
could this be
true he’s like you know science discredits it but they
prove it time and time
again they pick the shit
that works and then
modern pharma goes down there and say hey
what does this do
and they know
the answers so how do they know the answers
and so the theory is that this all comes from your
brain your brain projects this
stuff when you take
dimethyltryptamine but he has a different theory
and his theory goes that
you know in all of
these cultures you see
a lot of serpents when you’re
underneath these visions
and these serpents are
often intertwined and you can see this written in rock
paintings in aboriginal australia and all over the
place the vision of the
serpent he calls it the cosmic serpent is everywhere
and what he’s saying is that’s actually a vision of
persons dna of
dna in general not just the persons but the dna of life
and that you’re actually
when you’re in that
level you’re
on a microbiological
level with dna
which is connects
everything it’s kind of like the navi
avatar principle where
everything is
connected by the universal language of dna
and the defoculization
of the ayahuasca
allows you to communicate with the dna
so that the
plants talk to you that
there’s visions and wisdom from
everything that comes
and the synthesis
he’s able to get
i mean there’s actually dna emits and
one of the ways you say they communicate is dna emits
actual light it emits
photons dna itself will do that it’s too dim
and it’s too
small when you isolate dna by itself
but it’ll omit a certain amount of
photons so all of
these theories that
your beings of
light and whatever and
everything is light
all sounds like you said like hippie
stuff or whatever but it’s
cross culturally
people say this
well when you do dmp that’s what you
see too you see beings that are made out of life right
exactly and he’s
saying that’s the dna the dna is the substance of life
it’s interconnected substance of life and that’s
that’s basically the collective
you know and
that’s how all different life forms man you’re
just on drugs dude
i see what you’re doing man
just trying to fucking this always the cynic
those steps in yeah that’s good you’ve got
this is what
you got you got chemicals interacting with your
brain and you go loopy for a few hours
while your body
tries to normalize the poison
you’ve put in your
system yeah yeah yeah
what you are okay
is just another religion
man you’re just believing some more wacky shit
and all that
ever tells me
is that dude
hasn’t done dmt
that’s all it tells me
if you’re talking shit
about doing dmt for sure you
haven’t done it
because once you do it you go
oh oh whoa whoa really really wow
changes the game and
these guys have been doing it for thousands of years
and people go what
if they’re so fucking
smart man how come
they don’t have tvs or cars they don’t have paved roads
cause if you were doing dmt all the time you
wouldn’t give a fuck
about tvs you know like tv ain’t
shit compared to being able to communicate with the
afterlife you fuck
you know what’s
funny i can fish i’ll go get a fish
it takes me an hour i cook i know
i have food i’m done i’ll go do some more dmt all right
the iowa scares they call
they call the
ayahuasca the
television of the forest
yeah that’s what they call it like that is
where they go here’s
an interesting
point better than any
television they brought some
ayahuasca back
from brazil i believe this was in the 50s
and when they
first recognized
it as a psychoactive substance
they were going to call it telepathine
because it allowed
groupthink and allowed telepathy like they were
going to patent it as telepathy
but they didn’t realize that
one of the active compounds in it had already been
identified and that was harming
and because harmony had already been
identified because of the rules of
scientific nomenclature like the
thing they were naming had already been named
so they couldn’t call it telepathine
but that’s what they were
gonna call it they were
gonna call it telepathine
like whoa that’s the active ingredient
something that
allows you to have telepathy
this is really scientists are fucking writing this down
that’s nutty shit man
it sounds so
woo woo deepak
chopra yoga beads bullshit it
sounds so fucking dumb
to me it sounds dumb
but i know it’s real
cause i’ve done it
that’s how crazy
dmt is in ayahuasca
and mushrooms and all these
things that people just
label as silly
yeah automatic
these are life changing
reset button
pressing motherfuckers
and everybody’s
like oh what are you doing mushrooms man
but here’s an honest
question do you talk
about dmt every day
is there days that you don’t talk
about sure not at all
so amazing that like it’s just
flooding you can’t talk
about anything
every day man
but i think
about it every day
there’s always a moment
where i’m like
in the shower by myself
and you go oh yeah so you don’t
think so you don’t
think that’s kind of
crazy that you’re not
crazy it’s just
it’s like if you were picked up by god and
taken a magical
mystery tour for
three hours
the spaceship
above fucking pluto
you would be remembering
that shit all the time because it was the most extreme
experience of
a human being
could ever possibly have but i’ve felt that
in drugs where i’m like this is the most amazing
thing in the
whole entire
world but i don’t
think about it it’s not like that
it’s not like that it’s
not like that it’s
not this was the most amazing
thing in the
world it’s not like that at all
it’s that this is even possible
is impossible
that this exists is mind blowing
that this reality
seems realer than the reality that i live in every day
in fact there’s
something that feels like it’s communicating with
you and it’s giving you a message that you’re connected
to everything
and that it’s
a gigantic illusion created by your biology to keep you
alive and to make you sustain this
other world that
exists in your
dream consciousness
i mean they communicate this shit to you yeah
and it makes
sense and whatever it is
is sees right through you
and communicates only with love
and is showing you impossible
to believe images and visuals
and at the end of it when it’s all over you’re
changed forever
like you can
never you can’t go back
you can’t go back you
wouldn’t want to but you couldn’t anyway
but you gotta make sure
that whatever you get out of that you can
still talk to people
that’s too much of anything like
i don’t want
to lose your grip yeah you don’t want to get
slippery you get
slippery you
could get if
you know there’s a guy that i know that’s a
tattoo artist that’s done dmt like a hundred times
and i have hung out with this dude and
he did eddie’s arm
you know eddie’s
sleeve yeah
i don’t want to say his name because just in case he
doesn’t want people knowing
anyway dude
is got this fucking sniper stare
he’s got this look in his eyes man like
he’s just been over there just a few too many times
like he can’t ever
quite step back into the real world
like every corner he turns around there’s fucking dmt
elves staring at him
from behind the counter
like he’s just been there too many times man
he’s had some very interesting
he doesn’t talk
about it that’s a
weird thing
i think when you when you
when he does talk
about it but he
doesn’t go into
depth like me like i’m
just yapping
about because i
haven’t done it in years it’s
still fresh in my mind
it start like off like i’m talking
about it a lot and then you
start peeing your
pants and then you start
seeing it when you talk
about it you
start seeing it again
you know like little
flashbacks will pop in your head of
things that happened
not flashbacks like
you were like you can’t see or you’re hallucinating
but just like
oh yeah oh okay that happened oh yeah oh yeah
just it makes you think
about it again
there was one
experience that i had at the traditional shaman out
in the desert here in the us and
she took me out she took me out
a girl shaman yeah female shaman it’s hardcore right
and so this is
where the music start yeah
so but anyways i
you know i fasted did the proper
and i drank you know
drank a substance i
think it was
you know some kind of mushroom and
other traditional
plant based substance
and that what i got from that has totally
changed my life forever
at that point i was able to lift from my body
lift from it
look down and realize
oh wow this is just a
vessel you know
it’s useful it’s wonderful it
allows me to flow through this world but
it’s not the end of it’s not the be all
you know like there’s a
separation there’s a distinction
between body and spirit
and from then
the fear of
death evaporated for me and it’s just it
would just be a
shame like i certainly don’t
wanna die i love life life is fucking rat but
the fear of
it is gone there was just a hallucination man you were
on mushrooms you’re hanging out with a hot shaman girl
trying to get some
pussy got a little
carried up in the moment you went a little
barry manilow
jesus just put him on your
shoulders man
he could have been
on the shoulders
everything of that
do you ever
do you know
the book of the book the sacred mushroom in the
cross you ever
heard that story
i heard a little bit
about it john
marco allegro who was
one of the head scholars of the dead sea
scrolls he was in charge of deciphering it spent
14 years working on the oldest version of the
bible by far
and what he
decided after 14 years he
wrote a book
about it that the entire christian religion
was a gigantic misunderstanding and what it was
initially all about was
psychedelic mushrooms
and fertility rituals
and he said this is what the
whole christian religion was
initially all about
and like you know
has this fucking book
dedicated to it i don’t know
i can’t follow it i don’t
understand you
know ancient languages i have no knowledge of it but
just the fact that this guy was like this really
well respected scholar and he
came to these
conclusions i mean
of course they were doing drugs
the drugs were around
mushrooms have
been around for thousands and thousands of years
what we’re the
first ones to figure out you can eat it
people back then ate
everything they could
right they ate
everything they had to try
the reason why we know shit’s poisonous
is because dudes
ate it and died and they said all
right he ate that he died don’t eat that
you eat that you try eating that because
there’s a lot of this shit around if this is edible
it’s good it’s good the
apples are good let’s eat the apples
that’s how they figured out how to do
things they ate
everything bro they
ate it all they knew what was good and what was bad
and if mushrooms are around and they were
people were eating them
and if people were eating them
they were seeing god
and if they were seeing god
they didn’t want anybody
else in on the action so what did they do they hid all
their fucking knowledge
about these mushrooms
and these rituals and they put it in stories
and they put it in fables and parables
and they just
twisted it all up so it was just a little bit different
yeah fascinating
that’s the fucking the forbidden
fruit is a mushroom man
that’s what it is
i mean there’s there’s an ancient fresco in france
there’s this ancient
painting rather
and it’s on
on this wall it’s from fucking thousands of years ago
and it’s adam and eve
with a mushroom tree
there’s adam and eve with mushroom caps all around them
i mean it is the fucking forbidden fruit
and it’s been
squashed because if you take that that’s a
direct link
i feel to god you know i’m a
both a spiritual
person and a kind of a deistic believer in
in the universal god force but
you take away
mushrooms and then you insert people and people get to
absolve you of your sins it gives them
power you build them
giant structures
they get to have wield
money power
and if you look at the history of the catholic church
women as well
especially in the middle ages in the renaissance
going through there
and so they’ve inserted themselves and then removed the
other mechanism
to get there directly
so they’ve become the intermediaries
at a certain
point i wonder i mean how much
of that is true because there’s a lot of speculation
about you know
where they lost the way and what it was really all
about i wonder how much they let the common people know
about it even back then
you know maybe it was something that you know the
elite found out
about it and they
tried to protect
the information even from the common folk
but it also
might have been a question of climate change too
terrence mckennis
had some ideas
about that and he thought that
with global climate change
which is very
cyclical happens all the time
a lot of times
the climate
will be inhospitable for mushrooms it changes
so instead of getting
mushrooms all the time now they can’t get them anymore
and so then the culture
completely changes
and becomes more of an alcohol
based culture
it starts off they start
using preserved
mushrooms in
honey because we know they’ve been preserving
things in honey for thousands and thousands of years
and then you deal with fermentation because
honey can become a psychoactive substance
on its own it can become mead
when it becomes fermented it becomes like an alcohol
and so then they go into an alcohol culture
and then before you know it the mushroom ideas are gone
all the love and you
know all the your fellow man that shits out the window
and now you know everyone’s just
drunk and raping
you know it’s interesting it’s fascinating shit man
you always gotta wonder like how
did we get to be who we are now like what was it like
could you imagine if you
could go to like
1400 bc and
just go hang around england and see what the fuck was
going on in france
and see how people were living in europe you know how
trippy would that be man that’d be great whoa
that would be
the strangest
fucking thing
to be able to
go back in time even just in like an invisible
capsule like you
could just just
stand there like in an invisible
phone booth in
the middle of a town
you know and you get to
watch and they can’t walk through the
phone booth it looks like a tree they can’t touch it
you know i’ve
always been fascinated by that moment before battle
you know where you know you just have you have like an
axe or you choose between an
axe a morning star and a sword
and you’re like what am i
gonna use it’s gonna
maybe make me survive you
know like how good is my armor
not as good as that dude’s but i’m a rocket anyways
and like just
feel that you know i mean
mma gets an approximation of that and
i think why people love it so much
cause it’s the closest we got
but it pales in
comparison to that
you know to that
moment you’re with all of the people in your country
and perhaps the
horde that’s coming
is gonna rape your girl
you know kill your children put them into slavery
smash their head on
rocks and you got it you just
gotta fucking hold the ground
you know like how
is that you know i mean we don’t even know what that’s
about we have no idea no
and they did that forever
forever i mean that was such a part of the
human you know
birthright but how much of that shit is
still in our genes and how do you shut that shit off
all of it yeah
right the human hardware
is so retro it
still goes on though like any war you’re doing the same
thing like what kind of missiles
does this guy have of
course it goes on
now it’s totally
different in person it
you know it’s so impersonal
you know with the
call of duty it’s pretty cool
i mean yeah
soldiers are ryan
just said right
seen call of duty
while two wars are
going on overseas well that means like
call of duty that means it’s
all ground game the game is pretty much ground game
is that like
going into war
explosions and
stuff like that’s
still going on for that is
going on you know what else is
going on drones
drones are allowed to go into
places we’re not even really at war with
like in pakistan
we’re not really supposed to be at war in pakistan
but we got spaceships
that are working on remote control from nevada
they’re remote controlling them from nevada
and jacking dudes
in pakistan
from the air they probably have iphone apps with
controlling control
just tilt it
man you can tilt it destroy that person by just hitting
dude it’s like that
movie do you remember that
movie where
the dude got really good at that
video game and then the
aliens came and recruited him
yeah yeah yeah remember that shit i did
remember that shit star something starfighter
starfighter was that it
i just remember because his name was rogan
his name was alex rogan
you know dude i mean
they’re doing that with kids that get really good at
video games fan
kids get real good at video games
you guys are awesome the army has
score and then
people burst in your why
wouldn’t you son
do i not take
that about this the army has a video game that’s
track so they can
track the top guys i bet
those top guys get knocks on the door once in a while
would you like a million dollars
could you imagine and you weigh like 80
pounds and you’re in your
underwear you’re like
i don’t like killing
things for real i just like to play your game
right can i go back to playing your
game you put some poor little thirteen year old like
five more years you can join us
you can play that game for a living what do you
think pal what do you think
get you all the hookers want
take some poor
fucking kid was just awesome at the army game
yeah it’s scary to remove that personal side to killing
you know i mean it’s just a totally different paradigm
well we were talking before the show
about these
guys that have been caught in
afghanistan that are us soldiers that have been killing
civilians and taking home little trophies
playing like a game
just jacking people and killing people just
they get too used to killing people man it’s
too used to killing people
and too used to being in a
place where everyone
resents you and they don’t want you to be there
yeah and you know i always
for the longest time
i always would look at
politicians and go how much
say do they really have how much
say does the president really have and what the fuck is
going on over there
or is he just a dude with a job just like all of us
is it just all bullshit once you get in there
and i used to look at bush
and when bush was in iraq and i used
to say is this
motherfucker responsible
for all these people
dying is he responsible for all this
talk about weapons and mass destruction
or is he just some dude who’s got to do this job
and i remember when he was
standing in
front of those people and that dude took off his
shoes and threw him at him
yeah remember that shit
i remember that and he ducked and then the dude
threw it again and he ducked
again and he had a little half
smile on his face
and i’m like that guy’s just a spokesman
yeah that’s what i got out
of that i looked at that i’m like that is just a dude
with a very difficult job
that’s not all that bright and has some
ideals and got
stuck in this situation and
yeah he’s got to say we’re
going to war but there’s a
machine behind that
motherfucker he’s not running shit
i’m looking at him ducking those
shoes smiling
i’m like that guy’s not he
doesn’t have
a care in the world
he’s not worrying
about what happened in iraq he’s
no he’s just an employee
perhaps it’s not his responsibility really is it
who knows who knows
i think alex
jones would have a theory on that
that was my favorite part of the
whole bush administration was that dude
threw his shoes
it was the first time i liked him
the first time i liked bush i would get
angry i’m like this
motherfucker just making up words all this bullshit
then i thought
about him like that guy probably gets like four hours
sleep at night
what would i be saying if i was
speaking all
these people i’d be making up words too
i’d be stumbling i
would fuck my words up at everybody fucks up
you know obama
said something
about there being
forty eight
states mean he fucked up the
states when he was running
you know people fuck
things up all the time you’re not
thinking you’re
tired all the time you’re on this campaign trailer
they don’t he’s not running shit
learned i like bush
no i mean i
think he’s probably all right
it’s probably not a bad guy
yeah everybody’s like use the team and he’s a devil
i bet they believe that
you’re really a president
until they get in there you know
i think once you get in there
they open up
these doors
and you get to see the gears of the universe run
you get to see the gears of our
whole system and
the fucking
well if we stop the war we don’t have the oil and
society is going to fall apart and
we’re getting to a
point of overpopulation that’s why we need
feed me camps and we have to make sure
that if something goes down we have enough caskets and
whoa now about you cutting
taxes oh fuck all that
yeah fuck all that fuck all that exactly we need some
money dude we’re
gonna need some
money got some shit
going on we got to come up with an alternative fuel
we have exactly two years
worth of fuel left
and then people
start eating people okay
what the fuck happens when you get in there man show
yeah i was a big i was a big support i was big
obama fan i thought you know
maybe i don’t i’m not i’m a
libertarian so i’m not republican or democrat but
i thought this dude is smart
hmm he can hoop
he’s got a good family it looks like
right he’ll get in there yeah
he play a little
basketball hey
you say that i i
appreciate i saw him play pool
that goes good guys get a little bit
of a stroke
a little bit
of a stroke
obama can get out
you leave four balls on the
table obama
might get out on you man
i played halo
reach with him
he’s a regular
dude that’s what i want i don’t want something no
totally you know
child blood sucking dragon like dick
cheney in office dick
cheney can’t play pool he’s too busy killing people
yeah you think dick
cheney ever
learned how to play
basketball no his
heart explodes when he
tries to tie his shoes
fuck guys at a hundred
fifty heart attacks you know
he ain’t playing shit with you and he’s got no
sense of humor
yeah you know
i could recognize him and relate to him
more than anyone that has ever been president before
i was like well here’s a guy who’s only a few years
older than me
and he seems like a normal dude
kanye west he calls him a jackass
yeah yeah fuck yeah when he kisses
his wife it’s like oh yeah he kissed his wife
not like that bullshit
was it quail that
tried to do that
or oh it was carrie
i don’t know all of them all of them edwards
my favorite
that fucking
swarmy douchebag
busted you can’t
you fucking fake cunt yeah
there’s all of them and it’s like you can’t
it’s like it’s impossible
to be honest it’s impossible
to do it they won’t let you get in
you got to be full of shit to get in
i thought obama was the
first guy that wasn’t full of shit i was he seems like
i can take a
chance with them
i was back i don’t
think you can do anything i
think you get in it’s just a
i think he’s just
ailmented yeah
you get in it’s just like what the fuck you know
lobbyists and fucking congress and this and that and
layers and red tape and
chaos and war and then they just tell heroin
heroin heroin
heroin coming in by the fucking boatload
wait wait what’s everyone doing
it’s just slavely afghanist
need to make a profit
other would support this war
you know we were talking
about that on the alex
jones show and we were talking
about that before the show that
there was a heralda
rivera it was in afghanistan talking to this
fucking soldier this guy who has a family
who is supposed to be defending his country
and meanwhile
where is he
he’s in the
poppy fields
protecting the
poppy fields for the afghani
farmers cause in
order for the afghani
farmers to support
the fact that we’re over in afghanistan
dropping bombs on your moms
we have to get this guy’s approval
and we have to
allow them to keep
producing their illegal crop of heroin
so we have american soldiers
that are guarding
afghanistan heroin
so that we can go over there
and blow shit up
whoa god damn
what do you do if you’re
obama what do you do
fuck you get in how you
gonna fix that
it’s tough you know but is you know i
think they figured out that his approval ratings were
dropping is the economy was
was tightening
up and so they’re like i fuck it let’s just
you know push some more
money on the
system push the ball up and then it’s working you know
if i thought
that heroin
was helping the economy i say sell that heroin
who the fuck is buying heroin
retards you
know why is oil
still like at
least in california in most
states right now
still cheap
cheaper than it was like five years ago
you know you mean
when bush was leaving office then they had a fucking
a grab but don’t you
think it was
right now it
should be like
ridiculously high
especially after like that
spill and stuff like that
well did you just realize or just here rather they
underestimated iraqis
oil reserve by 25
there’s 25 more oil in iraq than they thought there was
oh shit party
on oh shit gonna get that club
hat son fuck a v8
you know listen man
who the fuck knows
i think it was i
think they just jacked up all the
prices so they can pay for new plasmas
on top of the
all the fucking oil
you could be
gone to like
the gas station there’s like nice plasma tvs
and everything like that and like
where does this come from
oh yeah 5 a gallon
last year you know
i wonder who actually how that works i
think i think actually how it works is
i mean they’re all in bed together obviously
but i believe
it’s the distributors
that set the
price and then
these oil companies like there’s a
place up a street it’s owned by
these hindus
that i go to
and they have
the ohm on the door
i’m like this is the oddest
place ever they sell weed pipes there
they sell weed pipes and incense at the counter
like this is the oddest
place ever like you guys sell
petrochemicals you sell
you know the real problem the reason why we’re in war
that you know that the reason why we pollute
and it’s all coming out of this hole right here
anyway you get the ohm at the door
so i don’t think it’s them setting the price
the plasmas i
think it’s the companies that sell it to them
you know it’s
free market
speculation handles a lot of that i mean when oil
price was dropping there
was big deflationary pressures at the same time gold
prices were
dropping things were
price because nobody had any
money the speculators
weren’t able to buy the gold
they were pulling
their assets back out into cash etc but now
things are a little bit looser
and these commodities have
value they’re more
worried about
inflation now because
obama’s push it
you know just shoving
money into the system
right so in an
you know time
then these commodities have
value so now we’re seeing oil rising we’re seeing gold
right but what was the
big there was one big jump
where it went up to like five
bucks a gallon
what was the
cause of that
you know i think at that
point it was a massive
inflationary concern
you know that there was just
that money was
going to lose its
value and that
caused the oil to go up in price
yeah when it goes up
a barrel does anybody know you don’t know either do you
brian has no idea
i’ll tell you it’s
ninjas ninjas at the price
in japan on friendly dolphins i mean
there’s certain supply and demand factors
involved in the oil but
as well specifically but on a macro
level i mean it’s all about
generally inflation it just
seemed very
suspicious to
me that it was the end of the bush administration
administration that was
clearly under the
influence of big oil
and then at the very end of the administration
everything just gets jacked up
it was to pay his tab you know
it was dreadline they were
going to redline as much
money out of the
system as they could
until the new administration came into play
you know how much control does
the president
or the administration really have on how that kind of
stuff works do they have any
is it all it’s all got to be set up
there’s no way they’re
gonna let some new dude come in
every four years and just rerun shit like why
would we do that
you know the
career guys the very top of the heap they’ve already
we got this we got
you know well opec
supposedly sets how much available
reserves there are and kind of does that but how
much is it you know all of that is some speculation you
know who knows how much they know
and what they’re doing but it’s
it’s an interesting game with a lot of
money at stake when you have that much
money at stake you
could be fucking sure
that people are trying to figure out a way to fuck it
it’s pretty amazing what
it’s done though because if it wasn’t for oil there
would be no
plastic there’d be no computers there’d be no nothing
you know all the shit that we make today no
no flashlights
no flashlights this
is actually
flashlight is actually made out of oil yeah
this shit has to come out of the ground as oil
before you can fuck it yeah mostly mineral oil food
grade mineral
sure it’s not made out of heaven
joe primary component
and food grade mineral oil comes out of the ground
right just like just like oil
well where does
it come from yeah
it actually
might does it come from minerals
i should probably know that doesn’t come from fish
can you make a flashlight out of fish oil the beaten
that would be more realistic
dirty fucking yeasty flashlight
maybe some dudes just miss stinky
pussy the only time they got laid is by sluts and just
drunk pigs didn’t watch their snatch
and that’s what they
give me a hat on i got a smell
there’s a product that came out actually called vulva
and what they’ve done they sell it for 40
bucks gang already
for 40 bucks
and it’s like a little perfume vial that supposedly
smells like pussy no really
yes it does
so you know obviously being in the business
and we ordered some
and we passed it around to smell
and it doesn’t
quite get there but what it kind of smells like is like
cat box like no no it’s
close it’s way closer than that it’s like post condom
sweaty sex oh
sweat and rubber has that and
like this like this
oh why would anybody want to sell
stinky pussy smell
i don’t know we used to sent ours with
with like the nice
spread on your vanilla
scent but now all
come on i always wonder how much of like fart porn
is just for show
how much of dudes oh
i think it’s mostly
definitely for show girls are farting in dudes
mouths and they’re beating off and shit
what is that is that for show or is that just dudes
were far porn really over the deep end what is that
what is that
you know i think with all
these fetishes
someone out there likes it
for sure at
least somebody for
at least one guy out
there loves
everything you know
what i think it is i
think all of
these fetishes whether
their feet or whether it’s shit i
think someone’s
mommy was like that’s
disgusting don’t you ever fart like
and they just hammer him with this repression
and this repression gets all twisted up
and then all of a
sudden all they
want to do to get a boner is fart on somebody
you know because they’ve been told by
their mother so many times farting is disgusting
don’t ever fart
and i think the same with feet like hide your
dirty feet your
dirty feet they
they stink blah
blah blah and like really like kind of victorian
you know parents are doing that all the
sudden all they wanted to do is see someone getting
jerked off by a girl’s feet so what’s your fetish wow
you know i don’t have one really what’s yours bro hot
girls i don’t know my beautiful
girlfriend yeah
about what’s yours brian
i have a lot of fetishes
really yeah totally
like what definitely
boobs but that’s not a fetish
it’s called being a dude
every guy’s in its
boobs i’m not really no you don’t care
about them at
all i’m really a butt guy
yeah i mean i
appreciate butt is
definitely more important i
appreciate i
appreciate what they do to the feminine
form like i can aesthetically
value them but as a
sexual object
very low on the left
yeah i agree
that well i don’t say they’re low on the list
but they do not
compare to the ass
yes is critical
yeah it’s very important
because a girl can have a
tremendous ass and really be like an a
cop and she’s hot as fuck
you know it
doesn’t matter
you look at that ass like god damn
but a girl with big
tits and a really flat ass is just like
if the butt had
nipples i would agree
if an ass had nipples i
would agree
could you imagine though if an ass had
nipples if an ass
had nipples you
would agree
they don’t want a flat one
no i’m just
saying for fetuses if you combine boob and ass
would be like
the best trying to do a mashup yeah on a massive
fetish fetish mashup the remix
it’s you know

they just have this
dense thick heel skin that curls over on each side
like a human flip flop
you could hide a q tip from
where the ankles
the calves go into the
ankles you can
just tuck one in there and not even see it
we were talking about that too that’s the
thing that you least have sympathy for
someone who’s overweight
you know i i sympathize with people who have granular
problems you know but
if you just a fat fuck just gluttonizing all day
if you’re a fuck a fact shit
say that again have you ever fucked a fat chick
i’ll give you a
second chance
um i’m sure i have
sure i blocked it out you know
it actually is a little bit like hey it’s more chick
and it actually you know you
get sweaty and greasy it’s like you’re fucking more
woman and i kind of
enjoyed it was different
do you feel more comfortable with your body too
cause you’re like listen
bitch you know you’re fat
you know i didn’t
think of it that way
it was kind of like
there’s skin and
boobs everywhere
everywhere do
you ever feel uncomfortable
about any one of
these folds in her stomach
right it was just
weird like i don’t
want to do it
again but it was
definitely interesting who was it the
toast that only fucks with a
shirt on was it ari
duncan i don’t remember whatever point is
i guess if you were if you were banging i
think it’s alright i think i think i’m incorrect
if you’re banging
it might have been louis ck
oh i can see that
no well i think he actually has a bit on it actually
i’m pretty sure that’s it
yeah i think louis has a bit on it um
you know if you’re if you’re fucking a fat
chick like you could like loosen up you know
if you’re banging like some super hot
alpha female with perfect
shape like why is she even let me fuck her this is
ridiculous right like i’m not even worthy
but if it’s a faculty like bitch you know it’s
as good as you can make it
that’s funny yeah there’s definitely i mean in
culturally you know there’s some cultures that still
there’s a lot of dudes who like em fat like em
i have a friend who likes
thick girls and he always jokes about sam tripoli
he jokes about it he likes em thick
he likes em thick he goes i like a thick girl
just like say it out loud i like em big
i like a big ass
you know and he’s hilarious
about it that’s what he likes man that’s his type of
woman always has been
and he’s not faking it that’s what he likes
everybody’s got their own thing
so that’s a that’s a fucking
a weird thing like when someone’s got a little little
twist yeah a little twist and what they’re attracted to
go with a fucking like a long foot
and i want a big foot
i don’t want a wide foot but i like a girl with a long
foot i have friends who
will look at a girl’s feet almost first
and they’ll be like
oh no no look at
her she’s got
like a size 10 you know they’ll just be out
oh what i don’t know
so the big feet
big feet big
feet are bad or like weird toes
i’m like that with weak chins and weak eyebrows
if a girl’s a weak chin
or a weak eyebrow really
small chins are disturbing yeah disturbing
i don’t like it
there’s something
wrong with you genetically
right like if you’re really missing a chance because
it reminds me of
like a frog or something it’s odd
it’s an oddity like why is your
lower jaw so small
like do you not have to chew
things yeah
right are you more
evolved than
me are you in the next
stage where we’re
gonna be eating liquid
fruit can you blow that out
and do a bubble and make a nice song from your mouth
what is that
is that evolution
are they more
evolved than us
know but what’s up
and also eyebrows
i don’t know
about you eyebrows
eyebrows bug me when
chicks have like
really like
drawn on eyebrows or
like just you know no eyebrow at all it’s just
bugs you bugs the
fuck why do
chicks trim
their eyebrows we
don’t give a fuck
they don’t even know
if a girl has big bushy eyebrows we don’t give a fuck
they just got it
doesn’t make her less
hot take care
of all in the middle
yeah but but
yeah girls with
unibrow but you know what if a girl’s
really hot and she’s got a unibrow who gives a fuck
i can i can tolerate
unibrow yeah you just
pretend she’s some
crazy israeli
bitch that just got out of the
secret service over there so
so over here spying
on you but she falls in love and you’re banging her you
got i don’t
think any brown
would bother me at all man
hairy legs are a
trip what about
facial hair
i dated a girl when i was really young
who was um she was
going to an all girls
school she’s
going to an all girls college and her and her friends
wouldn’t shave their legs
yeah they were like
super feminist
hippie chicks
and this just
did not work out the conversations that we had were
it was like they they went to this
completely all girl
school that was like
super like you know
super ultra
liberal ultra
socialist ideals and
the view of the
world was very strange and
they wouldn’t shave
why should women have to shave men and shave
like how about
we both shave
i’ll fucking shave
you okay if
the only way to get you shave is that i have to shave
i’ll fucking shave
i don’t mind having shaved legs i think it’s
weird but i’ll
do it if you’ll do it i can’t fuck you hobbit lady
you got hair
on your feet you know that’s just a trip man yeah
girls don’t be having hair on your feet
please stop that but that’s been i mean
this female
shaving has been
going on for thousands of
right but what is the reason for that is there an
evolutionary reason why are we so much
more attracted
to less hair and why is hair
disgusting to us
is it a hygiene
thing for pussy
right it must be a hygiene
thing right
like you got all that
crazy hair i don’t know if
you don’t even know what
the fuck is in there
you don’t know what’s clean
or visual creatures too so it right
you but some guys like hairy pussies
the hairy pussies on
their comeback
i mean harry
pussies very two
thousand ten
sasha gray and some of
these girls and they’re
rocking it they got the bush but they cut it off
right at the top you
know i mean they don’t go
all the way through to the
so they let a top bush but they don’t let
the butt hair
butthole bush go yeah
so what do they do they wax around all that wax
their laser and
lasers just keep a landing
patch or tweezer
no but it’s not on any kind
yeah it’s like a real triangle
is that like a defiance
thing like i’m
gonna redefine
my sexuality
i think it’s just that people get
so accustomed to one
thing that the
new is hot probably it’ll go in ten years
sasha grey fascinates me
and one of the reason
why she fascinates me is because she’s like the girl
that like somehow or another is
free of the porn
more into more like of mainstream
people’s you know people’s thoughts you know i’m saying
like she’s not just thought of she’s like
she’s like elevated
she’s like left the just a total porn
world and she’s permeated regular pop culture
you know and it’s strange when
something like that happens like how does one do that
you know there’s always like
there’s people that are like super
successful at something like
lance armstrong boom
there’s there’s the guy he’s the guy rides the bike
yeah you know and jenna
jameson there’s the
super porn star you know she’s the one
and then it was a few
that get through the
tracy lords that get through and then
other people know about him
you know but
sasha gray is one
she’s a unique one she is
it’s interesting because she’s on the very hardcore
side of the business too yeah she’s no holds barred i
mean whatever whatever she’s down with
but she kind of does it in a way
where she’s like
i want to explore
all the sides
of sexuality including the dark side so she
kinda has owned it
from the beginning
yeah i think that’s made it better you don’t feel like
sasha a poor
sasha you’re like sasha
is doing what
she wants to do and she’s doing it on camera so
i think has
helped her out a lot and then you know she got a big
break with that
steven sawderberg’s film
i didn’t see
that did you see that as
it was a little tough to
watch the whole
thing but it was cool if i
would like yeah
i would like as a
short movie
you know like she reluctant to say it sucks
i do well i
know i know sasha i
know sasha i
know some of
these girls well
she was an awesome
actor but look what you had to work with
well it was a cool feeling
you know but
you can’t drag that on for an hour
and a half as well what’s the cool feeling what is the
movie about
it’s kind of this very dark kind of artistic
analysis of a call girl
you know and how that interaction is
but it could have been done with one scene
like you get it you get the
scene you get the feeling you get how
this interaction goes so in the girlfriend
experience is she providing like an intimate call girl
experience that it’s like having a
girlfriend yeah
yeah exactly
i saw like two minutes of it once on
television about
right really
maybe i saw the two minutes i saw was the last two
like talking
this guy and hugging him and then they cut the
black and yeah
what the fuck is that
just just kind
of a snippet that lasts a little bit too long
that’s a fucking strange
thing man you ever have a
buddy that’s in love with a prostitute
i’ve had guys fall in love with the stripper like the
t pain song
i had a friend who was in love with the prostitute
he was a guy used to play pool with
yeah very nice guy
but he was unfortunate looking
and he did not do very well with the
ladies and he
would go to this massage
power and get jerked off by this one prostitute
and it was like one of those
creepy massage ballers
you know it
wasn’t really a massage baller
like you know they like rub you back and
then just go what’s up put your dick out let’s do this
and he wanted to ask her out to
dinner outside and she
wouldn’t go out with them
and he was trying to figure out like he’s asking me
what i should do what the magic
words were what
should i do to get her to come out with me i really
would like to see her outside of the club yeah
and i was like oh
you’re on your own
yeah there’s
so many know
where the wrong
is it’s gonna
translate that there’s so many things
wrong with what you’re trying to do
i mean yeah okay well
how okay what happens then you become boyfriend and
girlfriend and she agrees looks and
no more in the
mouth only hand jobs
from now on
like do you guys do you come to an
agreement or
just accept the fact that this is what she does at work
that’s work for her
that’s tough
strange right
it’s strange that we’re so
it’s so genetically attached
we’re so genetically attached to controlling each
other’s sexuality
you know you
could have a wife that was a massage therapist
and she could be us
goods great deep
tissues let her let her rub you bob
oh really your wife’s
gonna rub me
she’s gonna rub me with oil
all over my back and am i
gonna grown
while she’s rubbing me i’m
gonna go oh yeah
oh so good and you’re
gonna be cool with that yeah
it’s okay because it’s just rubbing your back
but if she rubs your dick
and you make those same
noises i mean
basically she’s doing the same thing
it’s just massaging you but it just feels way better
but feels too good
too much too much
you’re gonna get
psychologically attached to her rubbing on your dick
yeah you can’t do that
we draw the line
it’s a funny it’s a
funny paradigm
and it’s certainly always been one sided i mean
i wouldn’t even want a
chick who does massages
yeah i would feel
creeped out
get a bunch of my
buddies come over and you massage i’m like what
yeah could you imagine if you had a
chick that was doing massages and you really into her
and then one of your buddies
started getting massages from her
okay bro what the fuck
what are you doing
and they have a nice
like eight ladies
i give massage hug
when they see
thank you so much for the big tip
please you’re the best
stop it i’m not the best you’re the best you kill me
i can’t wait for the next one
when’s our next one when’s our next one we doing this
again yeah oh stop
and you’re like hey
are you guys fucking like what’s
going on over here
god damn it
you’re causing pleasure with your hands
and the rubbing his ass
cheeks what’s up what’s up
it’s interesting
you have those
those conversations like
would you tell me if mark got a hard on
while you massage them what are you saying
stop it god
yeah there’s a real distinction for me
i mean and then some people who won’t let
their girls get a massage
i have yeah for sure
you know i mean that’s
they won’t let him get a massage from another male
masseuse you
know and that’s some taliban type shit
but you know and then
it just is a
whole variety of
different levels of what people are comfortable with
you know that’s
well i can see that
no dudes fucking seeing you
naked and rubbing your
right but yeah he’s
gonna look at your pussy
yeah for sure
for sure i mean
it’s it’s an interesting paradigm i mean for me
i think i wouldn’t
we have a you
know me and my girl have a very like very open honest
you know relationship and she
the music don’t yeah
she respect
we respect each
other’s ability to just
you know want to go out and
experience things but this segment of
chris marcus’s pen pan
is brought to you
by the flashlight
please continue
but there would be
there’s a real hard line between like
that like i
could you know
i’m totally cool with her getting massaged
and even in like some perfect circumstance
where there was some eunuch
you know who needed to manually
get her off at some
point i think i
would be cool with that but at the point
well you know whatever they don’t they don’t
exist in you’ll be cool with but they do they castrati
still exist they
chop their balls off they get
some situation
where it was very
mechanical she goes in for a service
he mechanically get
right but at the
point where it’s like he’s lusting
and she’s lusting there that’s when the
that’s when the
board that’s
where the fucking hard line is
you know like
boom boom forget
about it no lust
just physical
no lust physically
for me i can make the
connection it’s the same as
rubbing the back
or doing something like that
is the same
as you go into the jerk off
salon right
yes go there just
some girl just rubs your balls
with hot oil
and jerks you off and that’s it
nothing is going on just kind of feels really
mechanical ah
thank you that was
great that was awesome i got rid of that not mike
go out and talk
about your childhood
and i don’t even
know my dad oh my god i don’t know my dad either right
that’s that’s
right next you know you’re
holding hands laying in the
field looking up with the stars
fuck all that man
that’s just bullshit
yeah that’s no good boom
boom boom boom
the real question is
gonna be what happens
when we can create artificial people and fuck them
and our people even
gonna bother with relationships
that’s the real question
you are on the brink of this with this
flashlight thing
cause now you guys are the
first people
that have created an effective artificial vagina
all those other ones are bullshit all those
blow up dolls
those are for bachelor
party gag gift bags all
right those are
silly nobody really fucks blow up dolls
if you do it’s
not good you’re better off jerking off you
might fuck one once
but they’re not good yeah
you guys have
engineered a true artificial vagina
but this is just step one
remember when tvs
when you go over your grandfather’s house
and the tv was this big
giant ass fucking cabinet
and the tv itself was only like 11 inches across
and you need this fucking
monstrous piece of
furniture with
big tubes and
shit the bag of wires
and remember it
would sometimes sparks
would come out the back and you’d have to open up that
there was like a particle
board back to it and you’d
unscrew it and pull it
back and look inside the bowels of this fucking beast
now look at it you can
watch your little iphone it
slips in your pocket man
and it’s way higher resolution so much better
much better
experience watching a
movie on your iphone
than it is one of those
stupid tvs or an ipad
jesus christ yeah
the ipad of the fake pussies coming
hopefully hopefully
flashlight will be the ones to do it do you
think so are you guys working with genetic engineers
are you on the cusp of nanotechnology
well you know
i mean all of that that’s kind of the golden
goose like the more realistic you can get it
interactive and
you know like
fully people have
tried to do it but
no one’s done
it well yet so obviously we’re looking into it i mean
things have to evolve i mean the
fleshline are
you looking into robotics
yeah well to have one
one eye on robotics
hmm just said it
just leave it
yeah i mean i don’t want to get
too much into it but we’ve certainly
explored all
those different
things even making it
so that they
could register
your performance so you
could almost
you know log in and see
how your performances compared
to somebody
else like in
courts you know
like what is
how do you register
like you have
high scores like high
score you are devaluing the personal experience
you’re taking it too far man
two thousand
stroke shouldn’t be like three
this is a you’re not
fucking a person who you’re trying to make feel good
you’re trying to
shoot a load
i know if i
do this ten times
i’m like why is it taking so long
you know you
should have you
should have like
flashlight pants for gay guys
that like the there’s like the
thing like the end of the
flashlight so
it goes on their assholes
when other guys fuck and
the other guy it feels better
you know like it feels like a pussy
adapter for another guy’s asshole
how do you know that they don’t like the
feeling of guys assholes i don’t know i’m just saying
mix it up a little bit they only have one tight listen
dude is fucking
you in the buddies fucking you in the butt all
right this is
you can’t have a filter for that
something rather disturbing is
that actually happened except
the guy just put
the flashlight straight in his butt
oh really yeah
i didn’t see that but our
flesh jack team informed me
okay there was a
video was this
was a video the
video guys stuff the
flashlight up his but another guy fucked the flashlight
would that make
would that make you gay
yes i’m not
sure i don’t know
about that yes
dude if you do fish in the butt it’s gay
listen if you
yeah but i’m saying if a guy fucks you
your flashlight
okay see if you stuff a
flashlight up your ass
right that’s gay
if the guy fucks your
flashlight is he gay because he’s not
touching is he gay
is that what you’re saying he’s just fucking a rubber
vagina it’s gay
if you’re somehow
touching a guy getting off okay what if you don’t
touch him what if you just
assume like a high
mount if the guy
spread your legs
apart he keeps
his legs closed do you
want me to say
no for a reason shut up
is he gay what is it queer
is that queer
that would be
weird you know one
of our most popular selling units is called the stamina
training unit though
and really explain this
well the concept is
basically that
your hand doesn’t feel anything like
pussy so it
doesn’t prepare you to have sex
so there’s a lot of anxiety
performance anxiety people who don’t last long enough
want to last longer
so we’ve been able to give them
a product that’s very like highly sensitive in a canal
so they can
use it and get a little bit more prepared and
sensitized and people love it
like we get feedback like man
thank you so much you know like i’ve always
had problems with this but now i’ve gotten a lot better
yeah the first time you actually
stick your dick inside a vagina no
yeah i remember the
first time i had sex i came in one second
i came in one
second i stuck it
i pulled it out and there was just loads
everywhere oh my god
i barely made it
barely made
it i have no idea what that’s
gonna feel like the
first time i blew a load i was in shock
i didn’t even
know that you know you i wasn’t nobody told me shit
all right no my parents didn’t tell me anything
and when i was
i guess i was like fourteen or fifteen
fifteen my girlfriend blew me and i
busted one in her mouth
and my ears rang
and i was like what the hell was that
like i couldn’t believe that like
stuff comes out of you
like you could feel it come out of you like whoa
oh that’s what i’ve been
building up to
i didn’t know that there was even an orgasm
thing i recall it being like a 30 second
orgasm though
the first one oh yeah
creta lasted a
ridiculous amount
my fucking ears rang
the first time i came
my ears rang they
haven’t rang since
wow cause i
never gave myself a day off
i’ve given myself like one day off since
no i did one time for my website no
it was like 30 days or something like that i
tried to do
but yeah you
never recapture
it’s like they say with heroin annex the
first time they
shoot heroin
it’s just insanely beautiful
experience and from then on you’re chasing the dragon
dragon yeah you know that expression
yeah what is that the
first load you blow it’s like
as good as it gets kids
love it enjoy it
but the experience is so rough
that it’s terrible
i mean you’re
just nervous i remember man i remember the
first time i’m
trying to figure out how to use this condom
and i’m going
into the bathroom and i’m just like it’s not working
right she’s in the bed and she’s ready
and i was like
literally like was hot
and i just came out and just gave up i was like i’m
sorry we got to come up with a different paradigm
to make this happen
like you know
and eventually you figure it out and work but that
first time is fucking
brutal top top
what do you think
about these
fighters that hold off for
that’s ridiculous
they’re crazy
they’re distracting the shit out of themselves
yeah that seems like a really bad idea that’s so
silly i don’t
think there’s no no
writing no no tests no studies done ever that show
a decrease in performance
due to the fact that you’re having sex
i think the distraction that you
would get from not having sex would be
way more problematic yeah and that
would fuck you up more
would fuck up your
train of thought you
wouldn’t want to
fight you want to get some pussy god
fucking late
i’ve only gotten late in
eight weeks when
going through
training camp that’s
crazy but i mean it seemed
they seem to say that it
builds aggression
you know that they just want to fucking conquer
i’m sure it does but you know
just how much
aggression do you need man
you’re a fucking professional cage
fighter already
chances are you’re aggressive
yeah you know
need to be more fucked up
i wonder if
they have better ground game though because they always
want to get on the ground i’ll tell you who used to
fight and who used to fuck
right before he
fight tyson
that should be the end
discussion yeah
i didn’t abstain
i didn’t abstain from
sexual intercourse this
is a natural feeling for me i just had to make sure
make sure i was
relaxed before my big
fights those old
tyson training
videos are beautiful the best was his early
fights man like marvis frazier
you ever watched the marvis frazier
fight that was assault
he just ran
up to that regular dude and beat the fuck out of his
super alpha body
that shit didn’t even make any sense
he came out of nowhere and got everybody
excited about
fighting again
for the longest time
after muhammad
ali nobody give a fuck
about boxing
it’s like the
larry holmes era everybody’s like what
larry holmes is
fighting pinklin
thomas who gives a fuck
don’t even know if they ever fought but
you know my
point is like
you know who
gives a shit oh tony tubbs who gives a shit
yeah michael doakes whatever you know
that all sudden this
crazy motherfucker
moving a hundred times faster than everybody else
and just smashing people in the face at will
that’s what we wanted to see we didn’t want to see that
those fights were like
those fights
yeah you want to see assaults yeah two minutes
here it was worth it
not really though people get pissed off
sometimes you have a
bunch of friends over for pay per view
because nobody gives a fuck
about the prelims in boxing
that’s one of the beautiful things
about the ufc
yeah you get a ufc card
you’re not just getting the main event
you’re getting
a fuckload of other
fights and they’re all well
matched and they’re all people you give a shit
about they’re all they’re all
exciting fights
especially the ones that actually make the air
so there’s a
bunch of shit to
watch so if the end
fight is only like 15 seconds
you know like anderson silva
and you know
james irvin or something like
bam it’s over you don’t feel ripped off you feel like
well we saw a lot of shit before we saw that you know
those tyson fights man
i’d have friends
say me i didn’t buy it the last one was 30 fucking
seconds sure
yeah man but that’s kind of how
it was an epic moment the one i missed was the one
where you lost
i saw because i was like yeah
who fucking he’s
gonna beat the shit out of this guy
busting like buster douglas was like
sixty to one
underdog or something
crazy crazy what was the
he was something nutty
right wasn’t like
thirty one or something yeah
you got that and then i remember i
watched it i
watched the tape
and i was convinced
while i was
watching the tape that he was gonna win
i’m like tyson’s
gonna win this
i was like i know he’s
gonna win i know he got
knocked out but i was
watching a fucking replay of it
and i was like she’s
gonna win this i know he’s gonna
win there’s no
big fucking joke
doesn’t make any
sense man he can’t be losing
tyson doesn’t lose
it’s important
when you’re a kid to realize that there are
human beings
that everyone’s just a
human being
cause there’s a few people that just pass that
human beings mark in your brain
you know like mike
tyson or meeting somebody meeting some
famous dude i met
ace freely when i was a little kid
and all of a
sudden he was just this dude
you know ace freely
was lead guitarist of kiss for people don’t know
and my uncle used to work in an advertising agency
and we’re in his office i’m hanging out my
uncle and all
sudden this dude walks in and it’s
ace freely and i was a huge kiss fan
i didn’t even have his
makeup on this is back when kiss wore makeup look you
know who they are is
that’s a freely i was like what the fuck you saying
i couldn’t believe the dude was
right there
and as you get
older you go oh that’s just another dude yeah
yeah say with like
kenny loggins
what’s that brian
there’s people like
kenny loggins that people
think that way
about i met
kenny loggins
pretty cool
you dance he’s the one who
plays the flute
right was he yeah
that’s uh oh
not kenny loggin
kenny g yeah
i met kenny g
i didn’t meet footloose
i meant the flute dude
does he play the
flute what does
kenny loggin play clarinet or something gay
is he the only dude to ever get that
famous from playing that instrument right
he must be a bad
kenny g’s like the
lance armstrong of the
flute or whatever the fuck he plays
pipe piper was pretty popular
what does kenny g play
saxophone place i
does a little bit a second
i just have a
super white guy
saxophone horrible
chorus super
white yeah super
white guy clarinet
dance again that kind of shit
it was kenny g was
giant for a while man and giant with anger people get
angry at kenny g music
you know like dudes
comics always use kenny g was an awesome
punchline if you wanted to shit on somebody
you know yeah
why is that it was the amount i
think it’s the emasculation that he represented too
so yeah great he represents
dudes married to women they don’t want
to be married to out on dates
having to go to a kenny fucking g concert
and just sitting there in shit in a world of shit
when you can be with your friends at the bar
drinking and throwing darts and talking shit and
watching sports and having fun
no no no no no no no you’re at a kenny g concert
stupid and you have a jacket on
cause she likes the way you look with jackets
i like a sport jacket
and you got your fucking sport jacket
on that’s what raised the ire
yeah you’re eating shit
that’s it that’s the end of the show
that was romantic ending it with kenny g
before we go joe i brought a gift for
oh what do you got
brian here what do you got
so you know
people kind of overlook a lot of
very legal and very cool substances that
are available
and so i brought you guys some
blue lotus oil
now as you know lotus
lotus oil was
prized from
the land of the lotus eaters kind of gives you this
euphoric poppy
feeling and
that’s why it exists
in a lot of
hindu artwork right
the lotus flower so
it’s actually
you know quite it takes like a
ton of lotus oil to make this one little vial here this
might be loud as
i undo it so
well what is it
so it’s a little vial here
let me open this up here don’t they extract
like out of thousands and thousands and thousands
of loads it’s a ton
it’s an actual
ton of pedals to make 2
000 pedals 2
000 yes make that little vial
to make a little
vat and then they seem
like a little vat
so then they make this vial how
large is to oh he
dropped it yeah
how large this is
two thousand
look at this folks
so large is two thousand
petals it must be immense
well two thousand
pounds yeah i mean i mean two thousand
pounds unbelievable
so it makes it makes
like an ounce of the oil
what does it look like in a room like there’s so light
there are 2 000
petals fucking ton
so it’s very
prized so i took that
i would actually review it on my blog warriorpot us and
can come check it out
and i took it yeah how do you know
you had a third of
about about a half of a mile it kind of comes out
tough so i give it a stiff
shake is that what you you this was
and then this was
no no this is brand new this is brand new this
is brand new so this
is how it comes it comes out well i took maybe
maybe about half of that
i maybe took about half of that and
it was pretty
rad you feel
you feel very euphoric
and you know you’re
everything all your sensations feel good
and it’s not overpowering you know it’s not
something that like takes you and hit you with a hammer
but when you say i love you to your
girlfriend you really mean it
you know like listen i really mean
it all the time
do you know
like you really mean it but it’s like you really
feel it you know what i’m saying like
you feel the emotion i really feel it all the time dude
but it’s i’m
not like you man i’m a problem
with some crazy
dreams i dreamed i was like like a
never dreamed i
dreamed i was a
vampire playing
basketball just
throwing shots back like i
steam out from
underneath the
basket and just reject some dude
shaq dunk on you
thought you were a vampire
just like super
relaxing you for it like very kind of cathartic
feel like you could
still function totally
totally is very lucid and
stuff do you feel intoxicated at all or
not really you just feel like gonna
badass mood and it’s almost like the
stuff that troubles you
they go away
what about your
you are you comfortable that your reaction time
would be this i am
yeah be able to
drive yeah it
doesn’t have that kind of
artificial feeling that some of the
other opiates and
sedatives and
stuff kind of do
if you were allergic to lotus though and
oh shit i just took the most
yeah no shit
how do you even find out if you’re allergic to life
gay test do you like kenny g
yeah you can’t take the shit
and on that note that’s a perfect way to end this
thank you very much chris that was a lot of fun dude
thanks for coming out
thanks for sponsoring the podcast with the
flashlight go to
flashlight com
flashlight com pick one up and unlike we said with
brian and i both fucked him and we give him
two thumbs up
it is way better
than just jerking off i have a new segment to that bit
my my bit on the
flashlights growing very
strong anyway
thank you everybody for tuning in
i will be at
what you do
killed it i will be
there we go
i’m at the the
where is it the galaxy theater
in santa ana that’s my next gig
oh actually no i’m in london but
brian doesn’t have this up on the
the you stream page oh
you stream page change that shit so it says right um
i mean london
at the leicester square theatre but those
there’s two shows
thursday and friday of
next week but they’re sold out already
sorry bitches
you snooze you lose and then the galaxy theater
in santa ana
october 22nd
what are you playing are you
gonna say are you gonna play
def antwood or
sure die antwood
that’s my new favorite man all
the haters out there
is this die
on wood die on
wood it’s a
south african band
and it means the answer
it’s a dope band you heard these guys you know them
i like dude
they got a bunch of good shit
they got a bunch of good shit
and they got
stupid tattoos and they’re ugly as fuck i love them
good love it
tomorrow we’ll have another podcast tomorrow probably
2 to 3 p m pacific
with the lovely and talented mr duncan trussell
where we will discuss
how the ufos
are coming and the government is preparing us
we’ve got some new
important information
ladies and gentlemen
see that big rubber
alien pussy
that shit is real
and we’re gonna tell you
everything tomorrow
thank you everybody for
tuning into podcasts
as always we
appreciate it
very much and we love you bitches thank you