we are live
ladies and gentlemen
thank you very much for
tuning into the podcast
once again my friend
brian red band of course as always
and today joining
us the wonderful and talented mr dane cook
talk joke don’t
worry about
it chris before we get going
i have to thank our sponsor the
flashlight if you ever use one of these things
i fuck with these i have not feel that
it’s fantastic oh my god oh brian
that’s hard to lay in the
background okay you guys can’t hear it but my
my computer’s volume is on of course
but this is a sponsor of our show you supposed to
there’s a little button right in the middle brian
the upper level around round thing
is it off okay
was it off yeah looks like it’s off powerful
anyway the idea first of all why
well they offered to
sponsor the show and i said why not you know
no but why in the shape of the flashlight
why is there a
why is it a
flashlight i
guess that’s
what makes it easier to hold so you can fuck it easier
okay and then
once you’re once you’re done and you ejaculate
can you open that that’s what i said
yeah that’s why i say yeah
you unscrew the bottom and release the
crack of shame
it just slithers out
into the sink
it’s like something i love is that it is more
shameful for
some reason than masturbating it feels way better
but it’s more
shameful like
i always joke
that as i’m coming i’m regretting it as i’m coming like
does it also serve as a flashlight
no it doesn’t light up in case it’s not a flashlight
it should have little
lasers pointer
flashlights or something like that
yeah it’s just
a silly little piece of shit by the way
talking about flashlights but it’s awesome they
come in pink and last night you performed for pink
what kind of a fucking shitty segue was that
asshole did
how dare you subject my ears to
that actually how was that though was that pretty cool
she called me up and i
she asked me if i
would do her
birthday party for her boyfriend
carrie heart you know the bmx guy and all that
and i haven’t done a private anything in forever
and i was like no i don’t you know i’m a fan and
stuff but seems weird
right yeah yeah i was like i can’t do that and then she
was like well this is what you know how much i can pay
oh really and i was like
it was actually a few
weeks ago when the deal came together i was like if you
if you can do that and get me
courtside for lakers
celtics which i thought was impossible
i’m like i’m
never gonna get
courtside last
minute for the
series wow and she called back she goes i got you
courtside for the last two games
and i’ll give you the vig that you want holy shit next
thing you know i’m
standing there
it was like it was the
it was the highest paying hell gig i’ve ever done in my
was it bizarre
was a complete
really bizarre
it was weird how many
people were there 75
and they had pink and carrie were on
stage and like
thrones that she’d gotten him
were you were
you hired to do your act or to just talk to them
and just say hi and fuck around i pretty much
could have done anything but i knew they
were fans of like you know my comedy so i was like all
right i want to go
in and do well but by the time i got up there everybody
should phase
and it felt like
the boston or something back in new york at like two in
the morning yeah
yeah those things were awesome
pink lately have you this thing is
like like hers recent shows
yeah i know she’s an incredible performer
yeah i wrote a whole blog about her
brian why am i not hearing myself there we go
it was just that yeah just the vine for you okay
yeah dude i wrote a whole blog
about her performance at the emmys that i
watched and i was like holy shit
like it was like perfect like her
voice was perfect
the way she
carried herself was perfect
and then when she actually suspended herself and
started spinning around
like there’s no fucking way she’s really this good yeah
and she’s really singing
yeah really singing the
whole time and even
people on the
radio were like she was lip syncing
i don’t think she was i don’t think
she was she wasn’t
she wasn’t doing that and singing anyways is
ridiculous if
she really was doing that you know she just fell
doing that shit i saw that
video yeah yeah yeah
that’s scariest but not only fell but when she fell
the wire pulled her
and pulled it to the very
until it was
taut and i thought if that snapped it
could have cut her head off totally
and then it
would have been
the most popular
video on how
crazy would that have been
could you imagine
watching pink
get her head cut off decapitated
could you imagine if that was a real
viral video
wow and then the sales will go up
cause isn’t
everything posthumous like yeah
giant huge huge
anytime you die even if you were mediocre
when you die you were a little bit better than mediocre
everybody loves you everybody goes
crazy they’re
never gonna hear you
again so they go nuts
and buy your shit even though they forgot about you
look at michael
jackson who’s by the way incredibly brilliant talented
but what after he died man everybody
went fucking nuts everybody went nuts to buy a shit
i thought it was fake for a bit
actually yeah
cause i’m kinda like i
i’m always like alright
these guys heresy theorist
a little bit man
it’s like i thought that you know he’d pop out like six
months later
you know because he needed
something he needed
the love back man there was a lot of people that were
not feeling michael jackson for a long time i don’t
think anybody’s ever even
tried to pull that
death off i
think if you
tried to die and i
think that’s a federal crime
i think if you
think really yeah i don’t
think i don’t
think you’re allowed to do that
you know i mean even as a publicity
stunt you would have to have medical records
and if you have medical records and people are
gonna find out they don’t
exist if you’re faking it
true i don’t
think you can do it the
whole tupac
thing is ridiculous how it’s gotten that fucking elvis
too man so all um
elvis back then
maybe you could pull it off
you know they killed jfk
they could probably fuck
elvis up well that was the whole
thing is that everybody said
elvis faked his
death to get away from the kernel to live a normal
life because the kernel was like this megalomaniac
isn’t that hilarious
people are so romantic
you don’t realize that when you get to be
elvis famous you are guaranteed
fucking insane
yeah there’s no way you can get away from it
elvis beck this is back before the internet
is back you know i mean terrible
movies he was doing
he couldn’t even
leave his house
right even walk down the street
when people
would see him they
would start
screaming and fall to
their knees yeah
my favorite
elvis story that i
heard was at the height of
you know everybody loving and hating
elvis those
buttons came out
you know i love
elvis and then the i hate
elvis pins came out
he made those
give me the kernel
came up with that they sold more i hate elvis pins
i’ve heard of a
bunch of people doing that or
stealing that
exact same idea that’s awesome
that it’s so awesome
you know the elvis
thing must be so sucky
if you were
a dude back then how the fuck do you compete with elvis
your girl is
screaming and yelling
and you’re fucking her and you know she really
would way rather be
fucking elvis
all you can really
do is just play into it and just tell her you love
elvis and take her to
elvis and like just try to make her
elvis fantasy
come to fruition
yeah put on the fucking wig the whole deal
mutton chops
those elvis
there’s an elvis clip
when he was really he was really
fucked up he was doing whatever drugs he was doing
and he was bored
and he was not remembering the
lyrics and there’s a gig he was doing in hawaii
where he’s so fucking
bored and you
watch this he’s not singing any of the lyrics
right he’s just
inside jokes with his band members and then he does the
thing where
he slowly backs up slowly during this one song to his
three backup singers
and in the middle of talking he just turns and
screams in their faces and scares the shit out of them
like literally turns it goes
and they’re all like
as they’re trying to sing it’s like
he was gone yeah
yeah he was gone
he was way too big
you can’t get that
big it’s not safe big and he was like so and i mean
i’m kind of a huge
elvis fan and
there’s one documentary that
priscilla actually did years ago
based on what she wrote
where she finally talked
about how insecure
he really was
he had his buddies
living with him and shit
and if they
wanted to go out to a dinner and he was by himself
he would freak out he would
shoot tvs up
he had to have his friends around him 24 7
wow joe you kind of have that
whole entourage you want a gang of people
this reminds us of you joe
you know like we used to always roll with huge
groups of people
you can’t too problematic
yeah but you prefer that kind of well
it’s always
more fun to have a
bunch of guys
that you’re friends with that go to you in gigs
but if you have too many
and you have to manage
them all then it becomes a pain in the ass it becomes
like more of a pain in the ass of getting my friends
to get downstairs
in time so we can get to the fucking show and
you know did
you call this guy did you wake him up we got to
go to the fucking airport
where is he
there’s five different guys and
everybody’s got
their own bullshit
and then dude
started arguing with each other
and then it became ugly
then it became like okay this is nonsense so i had
to cut it most of it it was like a reality show for a
while it was it was too much though
it was too much like that
there was too many people
you know when it was
tate and eddie
and me and you and
larry and mike
young and all
these other dudes we’d all go out
i mean come on that was ridiculous
it was a giant
group on the road man
yeah do you like touring with a
bunch of dudes
you always tour with your friends i kind of
i pretty much have
stuck close with the same guys that i
started like my
graduating class
bobby kelly
al del benny
you know i knew burr
when i first
started in patrice
because we kind of came up like a little bit after
you like you were a couple of years ahead
headlining around
and i did a
bunch of really
fun little gigs for dick doherty
the comedy huts remember
those comedy
huts yeah the
light ships
cambridge that we did
victor’s comedy home
at the akuac
dane was with a comedy
troupe with bob
kelly and him and al del beni
so it was a good comedy
troupe you guys were funny
it was good you know it was interesting
you would do
comedy sketches and then you
would do like
each guy would go up and do stand up
right and so we
would work together do
these dick doherty gigs
those were fucking fun
our sketch comedy improv
group was so bad we were so bad at improv
and everybody you know the
first rule of improv
is don’t deny
but we were so bad at improv that our
first rules
was denied so we
would just come in and
completely ruin
scenes by like
you’re pretending pantomiming i’m holding a baby and
bobby can be like dude why are you holding a tire
and you just
it would just fall
apart from there but we just had a
you guys had
some good ones you had some good sketches with
a couple good
it was fun i mean it was and it was
it was like you guys were taking chances you
were doing something a little unusual at a comedy club
and you were doing comedy too
yeah that was probably
actually better for us opening with our
stand up and then we just go fuck around and do
music or skits or improv
or whatever for
whatever the rest of the hour to fill it up
do you still ever try to do improv
once in a while
or do you just only
stand up now
um a little bit i’ve been
bringing out
cause al’s been hosting down at the la factory and i’ll
bring al up
once in a while and we’ll do
stuff at the very end just
you know whatever skit
or dama rare and i will do some
stuff once in a
while where i’ll just
bring don up and
bat some stuff around but not like i used to not like
sketch full on
sketch upright
citizens brigade yeah yeah
yeah i’m not a sketch guy
i i really rather
prefer watching
stand up i mean sketches are fun and
everything like that you’d be so
good at it though like
just like short
as much remember that
movie you did that little
short movie you did for
kelly kirsten
when you’re talking about the
cable bill and
stuff like that
it’s like a five
minute clip or something like that i just pretended
to be my dad it was really easy
well how did it go from
i’ve always wanted to know because you were in boston
and you were the
first guy who we
watched go from
headlining to
then you’re on tv
man and it was like everybody was looking at you going
how do i do that
how did you turn the corner how did you
get news radio
total luck complete
total luck i did
mtv’s half hour comedy hour
and mtv was that
mario joiner or somebody else
yes and mario
would it was like i didn’t even get to
shake his hand
like he introduces
you and he goes to the left and you go to the
right i was like damn i didn’t get to
shake mario join
his hand i felt like i wasn’t even really on a show
you know it’s like
mario joiner back then was the shit man
that’s a guy
where i don’t
understand what happened there i don’t
understand well
he was the shit vanished anthony
clark was the host of like kamikaze
or something like
those guys were shit
but i know anthony so i know he’s
troubled so i know that’s what
would would lead him
to this weird
place he is now but i
never understood the
mario joiner
thing right
do you remember reggie mcfadden
i do remember there’s another
one right yeah
reggie mcfadden
was a monster
absolutely kill
one of the few guys that i really would
would be afraid to go on
i used to see him in the
early nineties in new york and i
would watch him to
stand up and i
would go fuck this guy’s gonna be
eddie murphy he’s
gonna be gigantic
he’s gonna be the biggest comic ever
and then nothing
it was weird is
the weirdest
thing ever is he still even
exactly exactly that question
right there that’s hilarious and charismatic guy
so just like handsome and well
spoken and a fucking really nice guy
like a real
nice guy whenever you’re around him he’s always smiling
having a good time
just like what the fuck happened how does this not work
it’s a very strange
thing it’s a very strange thing
and it’s a very strange
thing when guys get angry
that for some reason or another they don’t get the
respect that they deserve that is one of my pet peeves
that’s a weird
thing when people do that
well it’s because i mean i can’t
speak for reggie but it’s like
you go through this
phase or period and stand up
where you’re like okay i’ve committed my life to this
this is what i want to do
i’m all in here at the
table i’m in
my for me my mid 20s there’s no turning back now
and there’s a
bunch of those years
where you’re
watching people go on
you know some people are getting
stuff some people are falling off
and it freaks you the hell out
man freaks you out
freaks you out hard
but i don’t
think it’s a
very healthy attitude at all to look at someone else’s
success as if somehow or another it’s bad for you
and i think
if you’re not
if someone’s not paying attention to you
like there’s
a lot of dudes that are like you know i don’t
feel like my act gets the respect that it deserves
it gets the
exact respect it deserves
there’s no other way around it
it’s the perfect
connection between you and an audience
and if it’s not getting a reaction
it’s because of one of two
things either you’ve been very shitty in
marketing yourself
or promoting yourself or
you’re not seeing it the way
other people are seeing it
you haven’t
found your audience
there’s some people that have
weird acts like
you know mitch hedberg
for the longest time had a really hard time on the road
because he would go on and they
would put on these like
super high energy middle acts that would sing
and like i remember there was this
black dude in
i believe it was in ohio i
think it was at the
the funny bone in columbus
and hedberg was supposed to headline
and this guy was fucking
crushing it
every night in the
middle spot with singing and dancing and getting those
columbus ohio people into it and then hedberg
would just you know your
folks he’s from there
you know it’s what it is
that’s your peeps
they’re good
people that’s why i recorded my special there
but he would he
would go out to them and they
would hate him
they would hate him well was
he in that face to remember you just go up and kind of
he would stand there and
i remember for a
while and his hair were just
completely be
covering his face yeah
like not even looking up the
glasses nothing he was just like the top of his head
how do you go up
after somebody is fucking doing
juggling fucking chainsaws
which is hilarious by the way
and then yeah
it is a weird
thing right he had to find his audience
and he had a real hard time with that for a long time
that’s always a tricky
thing man when you’re coming
up in the beginning like there’s guys who will tailor
their material or tailor their act
where they don’t want to do this but they do it
just so that they can get more people liking them
and they can get like on a better
track right you know i’m talking
about yeah yeah
that’s like a real
it’s so hard to fucking
especially when you
don’t have an audience to really find your own voice
you know it’s so tricky
because you know you
work at a club and if you offend someone i feel like
you know my act was always kind of
dirty and offensive
and like you know when i was nobody like they
would get upset at me like
you just there’s
three people that want
their money back
fucking asshole you know
clean up your act for the next show and you’re like wow
yeah cleaning
my ass like this is what i like to do this is the
stuff that i always like to see like i can’t talk
about what i
think is actually funny
so when you were doing your
stand up and
you did finally
leave boston and hit the road
where did the news
radio thing finally even come from
so i did this
mtv thing and i got a development deal
right out of it with
fox to do a show called
hardball it was terrible show it was really bad but
a bunch of good guys on it
and i had fun but it was like i don’t
wanna be around
actors anymore i’m like this is just too
gross i would go back to new york go back to comedy
but i fucked up and already got an apartment
cause i thought the show was
gonna everybody
thinks their show’s
gonna go sure so the ratings are good
we’re picked up for next year
you know everybody
thinks that and so is
so my stupid ass got this fucking cool ass apartment
and i was like all
right now i’m
stuck so then
right after that i got a deal with nbc
before i know when i was on newsradio it was just like
stumbled into one
thing i mean i auditioned for newsradio but
it was kind of
funny because
one of the reasons
why they liked me for the part was that
there was no jokes
in the script
right like the
first one that gave out there
was no it was no
comedy in it it was just like really straight and flat
and i was like wow
how the fuck do i play this i was like i’m just
gonna play it as
if i was really saying it like let me just go and do it
there’s no jokes
in here so i don’t know what they’re doing
they were just trying to weed
out the hacks they were trying to weed out the whole
they were trying to weed out the hacks
exploding shoe guys i guess
so i just got lucky
total luck total luck
right person
right place right time
click click
click yeah all of a
sudden i’m on tv
which was fun but
in the beginning when i was on tv i was
very shitty with writing new material
and i wasn’t performing that much
i was just loving the fact that i was making all this
money right
having fun and doing
stupid shit and just no discipline
at all and saving up for your
first incredible car
yeah i bought the
first car right away
as soon as i had
money i bought
a 1994 toyota supra
turbo yeah had one of
those two dude
those were the shit
used that fucking big
crazy wing in the back of your
spaceship i loved
loved it was my
first really cool car i
think i went
eighty five mustang gt with the
t tops did you charcoal gray
she was a beaut nice nice
yeah there’s there’s something fucking cool
about buying your
first cool shit
i bought a pool cue for
seven thousand dollars
but this ernie
ernie gutera is this guy in la
makes this cue called a gina q
yeah it’s very
homemade like
really like precise perfectly balanced pool cue yeah
it’s like this
things awesome seven k
do you collect
anything do you have anything that you’d like
spend money on you get the bet
i know we both get
steve martin john we both collect
steve martin
i got like a
bunch of memorabilia
yeah yeah i went back and
found a whole
bunch of old
vinyls lenny
bruce and cosby
and new heart and
steve martin and
stuff so that was kind of my
thing like i like finding
stuff that that’s you know off the beaten path
as opposed to like alright anybody can go
i think for me the craziest car i did in aston martin
oh yeah and i thought okay i
spent a quarter of a million dollars on this car
this is gonna be the fucking craziest
car the best car ever
and it really
ended up being the
worst thing that i’d ever bought with my
money dude i had the
exact same story with
a porsche 911 turbo
bought a 911
turbo and it
broke down on me
literally broke down
where it needed a tow
truck five times in
three years i
think i drove you
three times to the dealer just me yeah
yeah i spent
i was there like nine different
i love that we were complaining about
the fucking crap the crap it just
goes i have a
lexus it never fucks up
never never fuck they’re
bulletproof yeah yeah they make them so well there’s
never any problems
but if you have
a mercedes or a porsche or something like that you’re
gonna have some weird
light goes off like what the fuck is this
this isn’t working
why is my headlights not coming on shit
you gotta bring it in oh it’s the computer
i wanted windows 95 on
those things i bought the aston martin
and then i bought
the casino royale
soundtrack and i just fucking
drove around
and i pretended i was a spy
and i literally was
pointing at
people on the side of the road pretending i was
shooting them and like
too much time on your hands
the problem with
those cars is when they work they’re intoxicating
you know when you hear the
sound the ends of the
that fucking
powerful like well engineered engine but but
but it was such a poorly crafted car inside
that i was like why don’t i just get a fucking ringtone
of that sound and be
happy with the fucking sound of the engine
and get rid of this plastic piece of shit as
everything inside with crap it’s in an english car
right yeah they’ve never been known for
really making great cars i mean
jaguar i guess yeah but the engine you’re right it was
worth that to fuck up to before ford bottom
right yeah yeah
yeah english you don’t want
that you want japanese they don’t fuck around but my
problem is is like
everything’s made by
robots now for the most part so even american
cars are made by the same
robots not the
same though it’s the
standards that
you engineer the car to that’s what’s important
and they’re
using much higher standards
than american car companies are there’s no doubt
about it i have a ford mustang
and i have a bmw m3
and the difference between them is so different
and ford is high
level as far as american cars go it’s better than gm
but still you’re
inside of it it just feels fucking chintzy
and things feel goofy and
the navigation
system kind of sucks
it was like it was engineered by an american guy you
know just kind of cocky
where’s the lexus like
everything that nav is
the best right yeah
that’s nice
fucking dudes
money complaining
about cars how sad
that’s because we’ve
also had some
of all time
we’ve had we’ve had nothing as well
that’s the thing is you can actually
you could sit here and you
could tell these stories if you’ve
been fortunate enough to have some
success because
anybody who knows who’s done this for a living
when it’s bad
it’s fucking bad
when it’s empty it is at its
emptiest man so you
know you get a
little something or you have a few years of fun that i
think it’s kind of cool to be able it
still doesn’t seem real to me
you know success and
money none of it seems real to me
you know when i can go to the
store and just buy things
oh look that tv looks like it
would be perfect
right there let’s just get this thing in
and give me
a piece of plastic
and you give me whatever you got
and that’s ridiculous and it’s unreal
yeah yeah it is it’s
crazy she’s fake
doesn’t it seem i mean
don’t you ever
walk around your house
i know you don’t smoke pot
but when i do
i walk around my
house high and i’ll just look at the
house and just go what the fuck is this
this is my house this is
where i live
this is so strange
you think about what it was like when you first
started making
money and you didn’t have to
worry about bills anymore you know that feeling
that’s the fucking most
liberating feeling ever
that’s the big feeling it’s not being
famous not being rich
the liberating feeling is not have to worry
about paying your bills that’s the most important one
it was like wow
it was like all of a sudden it just like
lifted like i literally
physically felt
lighter i’ll
never forget
it because i was always scratching it was always like
do this john schuler gig and
maybe i’ll have enough
money for rent and then
you know i can’t eat tonight because i you know i
literally don’t have any
money i have
to wait until tomorrow and my
check clears
billy down still owes you
sorry barry box
barry cats was the big one was
barry still your
manager yeah
yeah and he
still owes me 300
bucks from one of
those those
gigs that was brutal
for people that didn’t
don’t know what we’re talking
about there was a time
where there was another entity that he had
called new york
right and they were booking colleges and apparently
it was costing too much
money to rent the
building where they were at
and they were
spending more
money than they were making
so they started
spending the comedians
money and owing it to them
literally like
you would go to the gig you
would fly around the country go to
these colleges
get your checks
send them into barry
and then you know you would wait
and then you’d be like a
month later be like what the fuck dude
where’s my money this is getting
crazy and then it
would be like another time you
would do it like
three or four times it was guys it had like
they had a lot of
money out yeah i don’t know how it all got settled
but it was ugly
it didn’t it didn’t
you still got
salty about
do it around
barrow be like you want that
three hundred and i’m like no it’s like good luck
charm is you not paying
me bust my ass
i have the i’ll show him fucking theory
going yeah that’s
yeah but i know for me man like seriously it’s like
what put things in perspective and
some people know this or don’t is like
i hired my step brother
my half brother
i know that
story that’s a crazy
story it was like alright so i thought i had this
great nest egg i bought a
house i did all that and then he came in and
i can’t talk too much
about it’s ongoing but
let me talk
about it since you can’t so the
rumor is you don’t have to say anything
that he stole like 11 million dollars from you yeah
that’s fucking horrifying five years you
think that your fucking brother
your blood like someone you grow up with is
so fucking jealous and so
shifty and plotting
against you
that they’ll
steal your fucking money
allegedly allegedly
such a betrayal
that’s it man
it really i mean
first of all absolute
complete betrayal
and the way i deal with that with my family
but the thing that
really was jarring in the best of possible ways was
talking about
okay i’ve been doing
stand up for
i’ve been doing
stand up for 20 years
you know when
everything happened i
started in 1990
and then i looked and i was like all
right this is gone i
never had this
either it was gone or whatever
i went back on tour i did
probably the biggest
tour that i’ll ever do last year i did 80 arenas
i went out there i fucking just you know was hammering
yeah the economy was shitty but i kept
going i was
promoting my fans came out
and it was that
i haven’t had a moment in a lot of years where
really struggling
again where you’re like i’m in
trouble if i don’t do something
and the ride is over what do i have left
what’s there
for me years down the line and i was really you know
thankful that
the fans came out and supported but
it was that moment where i’m
going okay you
know yeah i bought some cool shit in my life and
i’ve collected some
album missouri you know buy something
crazy once in a while but
you can’t fucking take somebody’s
creativity it always comes back you’ll have
stuff you lose i’ve had
things i’ve lost it
many times in my life
and all you can do is keep getting back on
stage or fucking getting out there and
doing whatever you know connects you to something yeah
yeah that’s what it is really for
comics too it’s putting the new
thing together
right yeah it’s putting that new
chunk and then
the new set and you know
preparing for the next special
and feeling
these new bits come
alive and the tags and the new tags it’s like what a
burst you get
every time you come up with a new tag
it’s like this positive energy charge like ah yeah
look and then sometimes on
stage in the moment
you’ll pause
and say the perfect shit out of nowhere and it destroys
and that becomes the closer i mean that
becomes the part of the bit that ends the bit
it’s the best feeling on
earth man really when it all
starts to come together you see that you know you
know it’s like you have a theme or a through line that
starts to come through and
there’s nothing better in the
world man in
right from the bat
right from the get go when you have your
first good set you become a junkie for that feeling
you become someone who needs to kill
you need to get up there and kill
and you don’t
wanna do any new you don’t
wanna fuck around
and do any new shit that’s the problem
in the beginning because you’re scared yeah and you
wanna make sure you get
through the set good
and you just just do the
stuff that you know is
gonna work don’t fuck around don’t fuck around
right it hampers your growth
because you become this fucking junkie
you just want that charge just
wanna hear them scream
you wanna hear oh shit oh no he didn’t i know
but we we also
you know we came out of boston where
you know i know
the guys that i can i mean i love i love
steve martin and the guys that i always loved just
watching growing up
that i wanted to emulate and then when i
started in boston
these guys were like
killers man what people don’t
understand about boston is everybody knows all
these famous guys everybody knows
billy crystal everybody knows
you know i mean in the very good
comics robert
klein blah blah
blah name the guy
don gavin was better than all of them
he was better than all of them
this is not an exaggeration
and he was fucking
squeaky clean
i mean every now and
then he said fucking fuck fuck a little less than that
but his bits were not dirty
it was delivery was
perfect right
it was perfect
you would watch his economy of words the way he
set a sentence up
and you would just feel humbled you
would be like fuck he’s a master yeah he’s a master but
he got caught up in this boston thing
where there was all these
great guys in this one area and they always drew a
crowd and they always got paid well
and then they
would go on the road and they’d be nobody’s
like why would i be a fucking nobody
back in boston
next thing you know they’re back in boston
and they’re just doing the same gigs over and over
again when everybody else
takes a shot
and branches off and disappears and becomes famous
and but you really
would watch
these guys and part of you
would feel bad that they weren’t
getting over the hump but
you felt like so fucking
honored to be opening up
and standing
watching going i’m
learning from the best
so when you
leave boston
it’s like you had that
these were guys like i always describe it like
they had the
energy of showman but they were like men they were like
men doing comedy
yes yes and
you know i always really wanted to be there they always
stood right at the fucking
front of the
stage or really lenny
clark is the perfect example
of that when
lenny’s a fucking man he’s a guy this is what
lenny clark said was
we were at giggles in saugus and there was this fucking
table full of
chicks they
wouldn’t shut the fuck up
they were screaming and yelling and goes
listen if you don’t shut the fuck up i’m
gonna hire a
nigga to fuck you in
front of your mother
it’s like what the fuck did he just say
mean it was me i
think chris maguire was there i
think it was me and chris i can’t
remember we were like what the fuck did he just say
he doesn’t give a fuck yeah lenny
clark did not give a fuck he was just this big yeah
gigantic burly guy
who would by the way he
would beat your ass to
who this is
like if you like talk shit to
lenny clark
he’ll probably you know do a line and
punch you in the face yeah
these were real like real hardcore
blue collar guys but
fucking hilarious but
it made us it made us
sharper because you were held up to a much higher
standard you had to go on
after guys who were way better than average
and you had to be
sharp all the time
you had to constantly reassess your material you did
i learned a lot
watching joe before us because the
thing that happened with you though was you were the
first guy that i saw from the next
young generation
that when you
started headlining
you were getting the respect for for killing
but you were the
first guy that
i saw that had real backlash ever in my life
that people were like they didn’t know how to
where to put them
and people that he passed no not
gonna mention names but like
they were just so fucking frustrated
and they didn’t know how to deal with like okay wait a
minute this is the next guy coming up
there’s that
you know people are always
gonna resent
and you’re young
good looking and
every fucking chicken the
crowd after the show is just like
you know there’s that there’s the
fighting thing to
which doesn’t make any
sense at all it’s not
supposed to they’re not supposed to coincide together
yeah the martial arts thing
it just seems like i’m
i’m not the i’m not i’m not in the club
you know and i mean that’s what it felt like to me
right but you people are there is always
gonna be backlash
when whenever anyone
successful i don’t have to tell you that oh yeah
and i didn’t fight
which makes it even tough
you know people are always looking
for some reason why you’re fucked up when you are more
successful than them they’re always
looking for some reason why it’s
them or you know it’s you and not them
you know people get upset
other people’s success
you know you can feel it
you know i mean i know
i mean i got hate mail
when i was on fear factor
every day there’s no getting around it you’re always
gonna get someone who’s fucking mad at you
about this yeah
he said that or
you don’t deserve this or you’re
short or you’re bald or it’s just
constant people you don’t even know just want
before the internet
with did that even
exist though i
had a website
and i think
the internet’s just hate yeah
well it’s not that the internet
is hate dude the internet is an outward
expression of how people feel people are
frustrated and
angry and and look
we’ve been shown that we live in a
place where we have a fake economy
that is recognized as fake by everybody but we’re
still pretending that it’s real we
print up money
nobody understands
where it all goes everybody’s
fucked the banks are making billions we don’t know how
there’s a lot of frustration and
anger in this world
and if you’re anonymous you fucking make fuck
stick on the rogan board
and you just decide to be a cunt
you know it’s just so easy to
lash out you know dane cook
could suck my dick you know
i asked for questions and of course most people
like on my message board
most people real cool shit there are
some interesting questions for you
but there was a few that were just so fucking douchey
right you’re
never gonna get away from that
those are people
too that they really want so badly to perpetuate
a moment or something
cause they wanna see the fucking battle they
wanna see the battle and there’s also this
thing where they don’t
wanna see anybody ever forgiven for anything they
might have done in the past
right because they can’t yeah they can’t yeah
like and then makes it okay that they can’t if
you can or we can’t yeah
i think i lost you
a couple of cans back but yeah no totally it’s it
you know there’s just a lot of people in this
world that not just they don’t just feel shitty
but they’re
lashing out they
lash out at
other people
they do it for no reason like i
could imagine like
if you don’t like a
movie like i saw a serious man last night
it was fucking terrible why
would you watch that it
had like all
these stars on it don’t you have
four tomatoes
five stars dude
i didn’t go to rot tomatoes
i should have
it was a coen brothers
movie too and i love the coen brothers and
some really interesting parts in it
but there was a part of the end
where i was like oh my god it
ended it just ended
it just like okay now the
movies over
out of nowhere
way worse than
this i was i accepted the sopranos i was figure like
this is a long
story it’s over that makes sense
this was just like i don’t even know
these characters all
sudden boom it’s over
so i wrote on twitter
i was like a serious man seriously fucking sucked
you know i was
like well am i a hater am i doing that too but i’m like
no but i’m this
is i’m a fucking reviewer here now i’m a
reviewer now you fuck me out of two
hours of my time i feel like i deserve something back
yeah plus you
said it is joe rogan not fucking make fuck
stick or whatever
yeah i think
the message
boards would be i
tried it on my
board for a while
tried to make everybody put a
picture of themselves and said
maybe we’d be nice to each other
if we used our
actual photo as an avatar
but it only lasted
for like a little bit everybody wanted to be fucking
darth vader or some
chick sucking a dick
somebody like
all the avatars on my
board are all
chick sucking dick somebody likes
blizzard or somebody just recently
tried to do that
where you had to have your real name on
their message
board but then all these
yeah right yeah
blizzard yeah the
those game guys
right yeah yeah do you do get you’re a
gamer right
you do it like online
gaming a lot or not like i used to i mean i used to
you know have pc
stuff and then
you know i did console for a little bit but it
takes up too much time yeah man not like it once in a
while i’ll still do like call of duty or something but
you want to play for 11
hours in a row when you
do that i get so addicted to online
video games
they’re so addictive
when quake first person
shooters i’ve talked
about this many times i
used to play 10
hours a day
no bullshit
that’s how we actually kind of really first met
that’s how we met bob
before the big
big breakup but it was like
i remember you tell me
about alienware computers and all that shit
so i went out and got one i
basically got with the computer he told me he had
which i didn’t have the
money for at
the time but just like i got this it’s a rig and
area 51 fucking
i went and got it i was living in the shitty little
studio on hacienda
and all i had was
a fucking futon
and my alienware computer
it i don’t really know anybody out here anyway when i
first came out
but i jump on with joe once while and
think like our quake
or whatever
he would like just destroy
right he just like not even destroy it was not even
fun it was not even like
we talked about this
it was just bad it was like beyond rape
yeah he would
do the like kill me like 99 times in a row i don’t even
think i killed you once
maybe in like
three hour period now i’m like joe
i need to stop
i need to stop
dude not only
would joe be plasma
rifling me up my ass
like every other hit
but then i’d hear through his whatever the headset like
be doing something else
which made it even fucking
worse like i
could tell he was not even
completely focused
and i’m fucking
sweating and doing that
thing where i’m like trying to
sound like i’m not fucking raging i’m like
good shot joe
turn off the mic i’m like fuck come on
quake is one of
those games for
those who don’t know it it’s a first person
shooter where you’re running down these
3d mazes and you have all these different gun options
and it’s one of those games that relies
very heavily on playing it all the time
so the mouse and the keyboard
literally become like an extension of your mind
and you can get it to do what you want it to do
cause you’re so comfortable with the movements
you don’t think about
it’s wasd use the keys to move backward
and strafe side to side but you don’t think
about it you just do it
it’s just like i’m going to the
right when i go to the
right i’m thinking to the
right and as i’m
thinking my fingers are moving
and you get totally synced up with it
you have to do it like 8 10 hours a day to do that
so i was obsessed
i’d go online that’s what i would do
and i’d be like having conversations with my chick
and i’d be thinking i
could be playing quick right now right
i tried to pretend that i wanted to see a
movie with her
i was a complete junkie what was
weird is that you were really competitive
with the game
where like i
would just hide in the toilet
paper roll of the unreal bathroom
map and just sit there and snipe people
where you’re more like kill
kill everyone number
seconds it’s what you
know my leftover martial arts days there’s
still some work to be done in the back of my head so
just running down hallways
shooting people this thing is so satisfying it’s so fun
i remember it was over when i was at fry’s
electronics trying to buy like shit that i didn’t
think he had
i’m like is there a mouse that has
every button already on like what can i do to fucking
have one one advantage and guys never beat
me by the way guys do the same
thing that i did to you to me
it wasn’t it wasn’t that many guys but
every now and then you run into
like a chinese virgin some thirteen year old kid who
doesn’t give a fuck
and he just
every day fifteen
hours a day just
staring through his bifocals at that fucking screen
blasting dude oh man dudes
would rape me it
would happen all the time and i
would be like how
the fuck i thought it was good
guys would gun
you down and hit you with rail guns impossible shots
you just you showed up for a
second you’re dead like
some guys are just
just on another level
and now kids have all the modded controllers
you know i’m just
using a regular control so i’m like i’m never
going to have the advantage anymore they’ve got like
these you know whatever wolfpack fucking
sticks and it’s like nine
deal with the console
you know the console
is not as precise and they did a thing with
microsoft started
they did a competition between console guys against
keyboard guys
yeah but you’d
never play that you get used to the
point if everyone’s doing the same
controller then everyone’s on the same page you know
but the same controller isn’t as precise why
would you use that person you can
get really good at it i mean you can’t get as good
right for what you like to play your kind of
first death
destruction son
you just want to win
the most connection between you and what you’re doing
but you know how fun it is to get on your xbox and
go oh carlos monsea
is playing call
of duty let’s kill him a little bit it’s so fun
do you ever kill him
i played him once really yeah
is he any good no no
really yeah
kick his ass
i don’t think i
think i was more just like
watching him talking around
see like i said i hang out in the toilet
does he play
lights does he
play like joe
i’m a video game boyer
nice shot man
i went to his website
the other day for something because
every now and then i like to
read his twitter
and go what the fuck it’s just so strange
so i went to his website and it said
one of the most feared comedians in the country
that’s like on his bio on the
front of his yeah
he’s the punisher one of the most feared
like what a
crazy thought you talk
about the wrong
psychology for comedy
one of the most feared you want to be a feared comedian
what is that
what does that even really mean that’s so strange
do you collect comics
what the fuck are you talking
about we’re talking
about carl spencer
i know don’t be
changing gears like that that’s
ridiculous wow
we’re talking
about someone
completely crazy
yeah i don’t
really know what that means who wants to be a feared
comic that’s horrible it’s a horrible way of thinking
you want people to fear you who is
gonna fear you the audience
other comedians
well he what he likes to do and you know he talked
about on the mark baron
podcast i thought it was really fascinating
yeah i heard that to it
though when he
called back
what’s that
cause he went
in and that was kind of you
know it was
weird marin was like it was very strange
very strange conversation but
i didn’t understand why marin didn’t
understand that he’s
completely insane
right carls is like
gone he’s like
bipolar or something like there’s something wrong
but when he
started talking
about about the
during the podcast what was it exactly
shit now i’m trying to remember
god damn it i can’t remember what the
crazy part was
oh one of the
crazy ones was
did you tell me this one that he was saying that some
troops that someone was
thinking about killing themselves
would they read his shit and
or they saw him perform and
they didn’t kill themselves that yeah no it wasn’t me
i’m making shit up now now i’m just giving them rumors
but he was talking about how he would go on
stage in front of guys on purpose
to make them feel bad
that he would yeah he would
do an hour and he talked
about how he did it to mark marin he talked
about how he did it to what’s that dude’s name um
steve trevino
first time steve trevino ever got the headline
carlos went on right before him and did like an hour
25 minutes yeah
crazy but when he was talking about
he comes like
like he’s pained that he did it that’s the
thing that’s we that i don’t associate
with it’s fake i had to
man it’s what i had to do it’s like why
i think he’s like
he’s like he’s broken i
was your like a
legit sociopath where
it doesn’t he
doesn’t feel emotions way everybody else does
and i don’t think he
feels when he’s hurt either he’s got like this
weird block
going on it’s very strange
i think you’re talking
about my brother now
i think we’re talking
about a lot of people there’s a book written
recently called the
enemy amongst us or something like that something
along those lines
and it was all
about sociopaths
about how many people amongst us really
don’t feel emotions they just pretend they do to fit in
but they don’t fear
the consequences of
their actions they don’t worry
about hurting
other people’s feelings
yeah you know
that’s a fucking
real problem there’s a lot of people like that
yeah i think i’m on the fucking complete
other side of that man i’m one of
those people i feel like i feel everything
well to be a
comic you have to be fucked up
right i mean
we would all
admit to that
you have to be sensitive you
have to be insecure
you have to be there’s
got to be something inside of you that wants attention
so badly that it’s willing to go through
those early days
right because
you know if you’re not fucked up you’re
gonna find something better you’re
gonna find something that
doesn’t hurt so much
you know but that need to be special
it’s got to be so strong
that you’re willing to get through the bombing right
right i just
remember being so afraid in because i was like the
complete not only introverted
but i was like i had like anxiety i had social anxiety
i still really do actually it’s
funny because i can do
huge fucking arenas
if the meet and
greet’s 10 people i’m like
all right what are we doing
but in high
school it was really bad
and i remember feeling like that
first time i got a
laugh that like
broke up a moment
and it was like oh
that’s the fucking weapon
right there totally
i want people to fear my comedy what what is that
my first one i did out of anger
i had this really shitty math
teacher it was always mean
and she would just
treat you like you were really dumb if you didn’t
understand things
and she was a
black lady and she was
doing this thing on
stage or on
stage she was doing this
thing in front of the
chalkboard but she
was writing something down i wasn’t paying attention
and she goes mr rogan
would you like to come up here and do both of
these questions for the
class and i said
would you like me to do both of
those questions
and everybody went fucking
crazy like dudes
could not help it they just
laughing and people
slamming books down
and then she kicked me out i got
sent home for the day but i remember
thinking like at that moment like yeah
i just got that
bitch yeah yeah yeah
that’s when the
soundtrack starts man no i know
i know after that it was like i
mean she’s being mean to me you know it was like and i
shut her down in
front of everybody was like damn that was my
first heckle
i just remember skipping
school one day
and i was at brigham’s
brigham’s sure and i was just sitting there in my
mr hall the guy who was like the house
dean came up and also he just sat in
front of me
like i was busted
and he goes
and i was starting to do like plays or like write
stuff and he goes he goes listen man he goes
i know school’s not for you he was the
first person to like
because i know
school’s not for you
i know that theater and you know making people
laugh you’re kind of a caught up now he goes
that’s really what you
should do i know
you want to be a comedian that’s what you should do
first person to ever tell me you
should do that
yeah so nice
to have someone there to say something like that yeah i
never had anybody tell me that
everybody told me i sucked
my own mom told me she didn’t think i
should go into comedy because i wasn’t very funny
i think that’s
more of a mom protecting herself oh it was for
sure but for sure but
god damn lady
my girlfriend
my girlfriend does that she
doesn’t want me to do
comedy because she’s
just like she
watches her friend do it and it’s embarrassing she
feels bad and she’s like oh you don’t want to she just
doesn’t want you to eat it
yeah watching somebody eat is hard
my friend eddie
you know we’ve talked
about that i got
eddie to do
stand up nine times
he’s a funny guy he says like really
funny shit right
always and i’m like dude you
could totally be a
comic i’m like
within two years of fucking around and practicing
you’ll be open up for me on the road i’ll help you
i’ll cut out a lot of the time the development time
like dude you
could be a comic
just listen to me i can help you
fuck yeah i’m
gonna do this how i do this
and he just fucking
over and over the bombings were so disastrous
it was so hard to watch it’s
funny how like people that we know that are funny
and when they try
it’s almost like they land on
stage the furthest
place from what really actually makes them
funny and fucking interesting
yeah well they just don’t know how to be perceived
they just get confused as to how they
should be perceived
it’s just they want to like
they wanna like
somehow know that like fit this mold of what they
think is gonna be
funny it’s like
the connection between them and the audience is so
distant and
fucked up and
jagged and there’s
barbed wire in the way
just it’s for most people they don’t
understand that in
order to be able to be yourself
and get on stage and talk in
front of somebody
you have to like
really know what the fuck you
how you’re coming off you have to really know yourself
in a way that a lot of people aren’t comfortable
looking at themselves yeah you
have to it’s
about being
revealing and then finally not giving a fuck anymore
that people
don’t like what they see
and then you
can slowly find the people that like what they see and
build the last from there man
and it’s gotta
be a real not give a fuck it can’t be i’m pretending
to not give a fuck like you have to have mastered it to
enough where you’ve
understood the situation and you’ve assessed it
and you’ve been objective
about the whole
relationship between
you and the audience over and over
again so many times
that you completely master
that and then you’re comfortable with the experience
and then only then can you go up
there and just be yourself and fuck around and be funny
but until you hit that vibe that one groove
you know you’re just
going up there
going clunky dude
like clunk clunk
you just please love me
you just like please what can i do to make a
connection with you and you get it like little bits oh
touch a little
but it doesn’t grab you and hug you you know
the beginning days
every now and then you’re like you would
crack like one bit that was like ooh it has
something there
and people would laugh
like i think there’s something there yeah i
think i’m touching
gold there’s gold under here and we keep digging
fuck it’s hard you listen to
yourself a lot like you record your sets and i really i
never used to
until you know you make cds and then you have to
which is brutal
and also i mean i remember
i listened to the
first cd and i went okay
at that point in my life
there was no
real drama in my life there was
nothing dramatic
about my life
it was pretty easy going
a lot of my
first stuff was
very nostalgic and very
we kind of like this is the
stuff i grew up with we it’s fun that’s what i knew
and as i listen to that
i was like alright two
things first of all when i listen to myself
like i would say
forty percent of it
there’s no words it was just physicality
and that was when i started really getting passionate
about vernacular and wanting to build up
a language and paint better stories with words
and not only that but i started having
things happen in my life in my personal life with
especially my folks
that really were like are you know
what i’m not a kid anymore who just goes up and talks
about fucking or
you know frat you
know kind of humor
drinking it was like i have real issues real problems
but now how do i turn a corner and how can i
you know it takes a
while to be able to
not reinvent but
have a metamorphosis
on stage with
truth and like
where you’re at in your life do you feel that
all the criticism that you’ve gotten and i can say this
for myself all the criticism that i’ve gotten even the
stuff that hurts and even the
stuff that was
wrong and just hurtful
it helps me
absolutely it’s improved me
even the douchebags
have improved me because it’s made me
look at myself through
their eyes and go okay do they have a point
like what is it
about me that’s offensive to them what is it
about me that they don’t like yeah you know
and then you see it and you go oh okay i can see how
maybe i’m being kind of douchey
or like i’ve
had bits for my old cds
where i would like to go back and
change and i was like i don’t even want that being
a representative of my
thinking i don’t
look like that anymore old specials that air and
people just discover you and they’re like
oh is that what you do yeah
i go to england
a lot and i love it over there but i had an old
bid about just shitting on england
how fucking
stupid it was
right now the
women are disgusting
and it was just a mean bit for no reason
i just met a couple english people and like i just
wrote this crazy bit
but now it’s like
what i say like i don’t really
think that way anymore this is just douchey shit
i definitely look back
no regrets because
everything builds you up to
where you’re at but
for me when it was like okay i finally hit i
crossed over
and i remember i had a moment
where i was like okay
when all the djs in the country were really talking
about me that’s when i knew i was in trouble
that’s when i really batten
down the hatches and i was like alright i know what
two years from now i know the way this is
gonna go and i know the way it’s
gonna come back and you know what
i just took it
i took it all on the chin
i pretty much fucking just
kept showing up
doing my thing because
when the pendulum
swings into the good area
it’s going the same fucking direction in the
other area man it’s really so there’s a real
backlash for somebody who works hard to get attention
that’s a weird
thing about people
when you work
hard to get attention if you get attention
and people like
people love dave chappelle
one of the things i love
about dave chappelle is he’s very reclusive
he goes on stage like
weird he’ll show up in a park with a fucking pa
system and do a show
right it’s weird
but when people promote a lot
and people get
their name out there a lot
there’s a backlash for that always
why is that i don’t know
man what the
fuck is that i got that why me i did that because
i in nineteen ninety
eight i was sitting around
doing nothing for most of the day
except waiting for sets i just come out here
and i was watching a documentary on fucking punk bands
and they were showing them put up like
hey we’re dragon face and
literally nailing
their flyers to telephone poles
and i remember sitting there
going like this is what i need to do whatever the
modern version of that is i need to fucking build
a fan base i need to like some kind of
grassroots thing cause i’m
you know i don’t want this to pass me by and
and then what
do i have nothing i’m good at nothing else
i’m really shitty
at a lot of
things in this world
really bad i
think that’s the only way you ever make it as a
comic if i had
other career paths
my other career path was
brain damage my
other career path was kickboxing
what am i gonna do i’m
gonna get brain damage
for no money
or i’m gonna become a
comic well i don’t have any other
skills i don’t have a college degree what the fuck am i
gonna do i can’t work
i’m a shitty worker
i would show up at construction gigs i’d last two weeks
pocket the money and then
fucking quit like fuck this i
would like tar
roofs and it was like half a day and i’m out yeah
yeah boston man
those people fucking work hard
and you know that there’s
an east coast
worth ethic
because of the fact that it snows there
and it gets
deathly cold in the winter
people are hard
they fucking work man they get up
at seven in the morning and they’re at work by
eight and they fucking work all day in the snow
in the sun 90 fucking degrees out hammering
nails that’s a hard gig bro
doing construction in boston
and it’s like you’re doing that but when you know
those people are coming to your shows
probably why the guys before us it’s like you
better give them a fucking show fuck yeah you better
give everything
you got a really hard job
where you come home tired
and you just been a
guy who kind of went from college to comedy and kind of
drifted through
you don’t appreciate people’s attention spans true
yeah people
especially on friday
night 10 o’clock show they’re fucking
tired right
they’re tired
yeah you know
those people worked all day and they’ve been
drinking yeah
a comedy is such a fucking strange thing man
it’s so strange it’s like it is our
connection with something
that’s what it is it’s like everybody’s got
their own connection to it
and everybody’s trying to figure
out how this guy connected and how is he connected
but you’re the
best guy at connecting with the internet
you are the very reason why i
started myspace page
i read an article
about you in people
magazine i was at my dermatologist
checking to see if i had a fucking
staff infection
cause i do jiu jitsu
you get zits you
gotta get them
checked out
cause there
might be staff
so i’m sitting there and i’m reading this
article in people magazine
and it said you had 300 000 myspace fans
and i was like
you fucking imagine
i go 300 000 people you
could just send out an
email with 300 000 people i’m like that’s incredible
i’m like that’s fucking brilliant so i
started a myspace page that day
and i hired my friend duncan to take care of it
my friend duncan
got a job and my friend duncan’s job was just
add friends to the myspace page and
i’d send him blogs and he put up my blogs and shit like
that i love it how attached
you seem like you always are it seems like you answer
almost everyone’s
like i’ve talked
to so many people that you’ve answered like tweets or
myspaces or facebook
are you really on the internet that much are you that
do you have like a
staff no man i
never had anybody else log into my
stuff ever it was always
always me still
always how much time a day do you
spend responding to
emails and do you
still use myspace no
i don’t even date cook gave up on you bitch
sorry myspace
is over they need
they fucked up
dane cook gives up on myspace that’s like teela
tequila that
bitch is still on
she’s still
swing they fucked up though isn’t she
they don’t take care of
their home they don’t
they don’t and they
haven’t touched it
since and it’s are so many
stupid things like adding friend requests you know that
is hard there’s to
they’re not sexy anymore you know something
something else sexier came
along that got it
right you got it
right simplicity
not letting you put fucking glitter tags and
every time i
go to your page
music starts playing
and weird hearts fall that fucking
freeze the page
but you always had
the best pages man like on myspace and just personally
do you do it your design yourself
of course you
do i learned html code man i bought like html for
dummies because i
literally had
nothing to do all day and if i wasn’t playing
video games right
i was fucking
bored man right i was
bored and i wanted to i
treat honestly it was like alright this is politics
i need to shake hands
i need to kiss fucking
babies cause i
cause i want
i want money
and i don’t
wanna live in this fucking shitty
apartment with
i think like don
barriss live downstairs
no way he would just be fucking
dreaming and fucking
them of course
to embarrass
people don’t know he hosts a
thing called the ding dong
show at the comedy store
and it’s all the most
psychotic open micers
there’s certain open mindkers that are like
completely delusional and
absolutely insane
and their acts are just so bizarre
that you can’t believe they’re real well don
barris puts on a show specifically with
those people
fucking genius but
he’s always surrounded by nuts and you were polanski in
windy city heat
right you did man that was one of my favorite
movies that’s one of
my favorite
things i’ve done
i just rewatched
and i was like holy shit that’s dane cook
the first time i
never realized
it was you and i
still have not seen that
i still have not seen
it’s great it’s a poet
for people don’t know they punk this guy for a
whole movie
right and kimmel pretty much swept in made a
whole movie yeah
pretended this guy was
famous and they had the guys
crazy i mean they’re
basically taking advantage of
perry percy
right he was always at the comedy
store the guy was always there
and they had this guy convinced that he was famous
and it worked but
basically it’s kind of sad i mean they’re picking on
a it is sad
until you finally hear the
stuff that wasn’t in the
movie and just how fucking evil he is oh he’s
crazy he’s crazy
because you
know i feel like he’s just a broken person yeah yeah
well he’s weird
he’s a weirdo
he’s broken
yeah it’s weird that
like being a facebook friend with him too because he is
still talking
about that movie
today oh so you know his facebook
address i want to
leave his read his
crazy shit oh yeah
i fucked up
read i fucked up and
ted haggard banned me
i was loving
reading his crazy shit
yeah who’s your favorite twitters and people to follow
on like twitter and do you have any like guilty like
ted nugents or anything like that i wish ted
nugent was on twitter i
tried to find him he wasn’t in there ted
nugent’s not on there no
damn it fuck
i got all kinds of
crazy dudes online
i love it it’s like a
party that i put together
with all these nutty people that
should never be together
there’s a thing called flipbook now too you
gotta get this app man on your ipad what is it
it’s a fucking
app that makes
you plug into your facebook or twitter
and it turns whatever your feed is into a
magazine yeah
with the pictures in
like a magazine so whatever the links are
it makes it like an
article like hollywood reporter or people
magazine and you flip through
and then it’s just like it’ll
be your fucking face with one of your quotes
got to see this man’s school
already report type
shit it’s like
it’s cool dude
it’s also good as
pulse so none of you use that i got
pulse yeah that’s
could good yeah
yeah want it basic
i love the ipad
i got it i’ve been working on
an app to cuz now that’s the new
thing that it’s like you know now everybody
you know wants you got to be in somebody’s pocket
right people don’t want to fucking
log into a site anymore it’s like dude i don’t want to
i don’t want to mess with all that just
be in my fucking
pocket got an app that we’re working on
right now for this podcast
for libson libson
the company that’s hosting us
they make apps for you
so it’s really cool
when they host your podcast i’ll make you an iphone app
yeah you have a couple iphone apps are used to have
i took them all off
i did have one with xanel
and those guys which was
great they did an amazing job but
i got a company working on a new app now with
you know just the
whole push notification
thing because
i mean i think one of the
best companies out there for like when people talking
about promoting how can i promote
i’m a you know
musician i’m a comedian whatever
is like these
things like say now
you know what say now
is you call up and
leave a little
voice message yeah but it hits
everybody everybody who joined your say now
if you send a text
it’s a hundred percent
fucking guarantee
gonna get it you can go regional if you’re
going into new york do shows
you can hit new york with a say now
voice message hey tickets
today if you guys want to come see me it’s last minute
as opposed to myspace or whatever you’re hitting like
04 percent of people who twitter
like if they don’t see that
stream 20 minutes
later if you repeat it like
and then everybody’s like you’re spamming yeah
it’s like promotionally
when we want to get the word out
so it’s like mailing you
a few people that i actually go to
their twitter page
and like read
personal tweets
right just to see
but you have
to do that you have to go back like oh this is
funny or this is a cool link
like you have to go there’s no way you’re
gonna catch it
if you have like
tweet deck or something like that there’s no way you’re
gonna catch it just you gotta
how many people
do you follow you follow a lot of people i like 70
that’s it mm hmm
damn i follow hundreds i
think i follow like 500 people yeah i like to
keep more in
it yeah and i was
missing so much that like but now you can do lists i
haven’t done there’s just so many
people on there
there’s so many cool people to follow
right i love like seeing like
religious people
right next to porn stars yeah i
love when they
tweet back to
right when it’s all
right there
you feel like you’re
doing something to them by forcing them to cooperate
together if this is a
party this would
never fucking work
if you invited
these people to hang out
yeah i bring politicians
and porn stars and you know i try to just make it as
weird as possible any fucked up person
haters i find a lot of haters i add them to
all kinds of
weird fucking people man i will say this i have
every email
that everybody’s ever written me are you serious
yeah i figured out like this method
with mac mail years ago of like
and i have everything in folders man it’s kind of
crazy but i have
every military
email i have
every fucking like i’ve one called weirdos
and it’s just
bad shit crazy
you should publish a book on that i
should man i’ve had a
couple of interesting
stalkers dude
i’ve had a couple
of fucking really really yeah you want me to throw them
a little shout out
the story that we were talking about before the the
doing this that’s one of the reasons why i won’t talk
about on the air yeah yeah them to know
that it’s that interesting all right
there’s a bunch though i’m sitting there
right now going as me as me
my favorite was the carlos monsea
mail that we got
after that video how much like
crazy oh angry people
angry mexicans oh
which is terrible writing i mean
i saved a bunch of them i had a
whole folder called carlos fans
just the most ridiculous messages that i got
they’re shocking
just shocking how dumb some people are out there yeah
what’s weird about the whole text messaging and
everything like somebody
i know i’m not
gonna say who it is calls me all the time
never texts me and i won’t even answer the
phone anymore because it’s just like
stupid questions
i think the phone calls
dying i think to the
point where i do too you know i’d rather do
text i like making calls in my car
yeah i like your length when i’m
hooking up to the bluetooth i can have cool
conversations you know when i’m driving for an hour
somewhere just wait
till you could
text though like no why
would i want to do that when i can have a conversation
there’s like there was
an accident
in the car that’s silly
you would rather
text and have a conversation
huh yes really
you’re some
weird you are
my problem is i have like a really
weird creative head
where i get
thought i start thinking
about something and somebody calls me during that
i i i lose it so like i just
connect my phone man
yeah i know but then
i don’t know that’s all i’d rather
be in this mode and go
don’t do it no
then you’re not committing
i told you that
right room that
program that i use yes this is what i do i
disconnect the
phone i shut off my cell phone
i tell everybody
leave me the fuck alone
i’m gonna write
and then that’s it i go back there
and that right with
right room all you see is have you ever used that
for right no
no shit check this out yeah
but like my mom this is how
right listen your mom talk to my mom
for 15 minutes i went and
shoot myself
check this out
when you use it it um
it makes it turn in a tron
the whole this is all you see on your desk i see
great i see is green text and
black screen you can’t
you can’t access your your task bar that’s smart
you can’t do anything the only
thing you do is you know you
could quit and you know that’s
smart man and that keeps you
focused totally focused and i shut my phones off
cause i write and i end up seeing shit pop up yeah
ah yeah or you
know just think
maybe i should just beat off and then you just go
start checking out porn sites and
spanking one off
yeah i hear you’re writing a book right now
i’m trying yeah
that shit’s hard man that’s one of the hardest
things i’ve ever fucking
taken on i’m writing one
right now and i won’t let anybody help me
you know people came were like
you can hire this guy and no one will ever know and
and so and so used them and i’m like
first of all that’s pathetic
and secondly fuck i
this i want this to be the hardest
thing that i ever accomplished
yeah i want to make sure that everyone knows
that every word is in a certain order
because i wrote it
it is it’s all of it
right it’s the best
representation that i can come up with of my thoughts
yeah you know you’re a
great writer i mean i’ve read some of your
stuff it’s like
you don’t need any help in that department well
thank you but i
think everybody does
you know i think
you use in the beginning
especially you could use
someone else’s eye
you know someone else
who sees what
you’re doing and has a different opinion on
things i think that’s
it’s very beneficial yeah i mean
i’ve given my
stuff you know to
friends or you
know people that i
trust to read it
after the fact but so in that
sense they help
i mean you get feedback
i think i’m
definitely a better writer now because of all the
feedback that i’ve gotten from people over the years
it’s like the same
it’s like comedy in a way
but the thing is you know it’s like
your connection with
the writing
sometimes it’s
it’s such a hard
thing to describe
but sometimes the words come to you when you’re writing
you know when you’re on
stage you’re performing and you know you know
you’ll get in the groove and you’ll
bits will come to you at a thin air
but there’s something even crazier
about it when you’re writing
cause when you’re writing sometimes i’ll get through a
whole paragraph
then i’ll go back and read i go god damn
where the fuck did that even come
from yeah yeah
it’s like it just came out of
space it’s like
i’m in this weird
semi conscious
state when i’m
writing we’re just like so zoned into what you’re doing
and as you’re zoned in
sentences just sort of form themselves in your head
and then they change
their position
and no this isn’t the beginning and you read it
again and it offers you another perspective
it just all
starts it’s
like literally like you’re
tuning into something that comes out of
it’s in the air somewhere it
truly is like the most incredible form of therapy
that i could i mean
after my folks passed away
and people were like you
should go talk to somebody and like i was
bringing her on
stage but i wasn’t
and then i started writing
and then reading
some of the shit that i was
writing and realizing i didn’t even know i felt that
because you just get in that fucking zen
place where you’re like
i’m not even looking at the keyboard
i’m just putting
it out there and then you read back and you’re
like oh man i didn’t realize that’s how i connected
those two things together or
so i mean i love writing it’s just
writing a book is
tough man it’s very important for
comics too there’s a lot of guys who don’t like to
write they just like to perform on
stage come up with
funny ideas
which is a great way to do it that way does it
but you’re not
gonna get the best shit
sometimes you’re
gonna get ideas
that come to you when you sit down and just write
and then you
could take those ideas of
stage and fuck around with them and tweak them
but if you just try to go on
stage just come up with
stuff on stage
it’s not the same
right yeah you have
to have like a little kernel of something i mean i can
improv if i know what i want to go up there with but
i hate getting caught just leaning
you know when you’re leaning up
there going like
wow what else
you find it really hard
once you do i find it very
hard once i do a special and then i know i have to do
new shit and then i’m really like piecing
it together i’m always doing a million different
things as once as as
you are too yeah i’m always doing a million different
things so it’s hard to fucking
piece together
those new shit
and then you
gotta do a new show and you’re like fuck
these people probably already seen my special
yeah you know just aired
fucking shit
how much new shit do i got like 40 minutes of new shit
bring that back it’s
forty five but
i don’t even like that but you know you said
kicking things
and i hate bringing
stuff back that i’ve done
before feel so
wrong just feels
rotten feels like you’re a shithead you’re cheating
yeah you’re robbing them or something like that unless
they ask for it if people
scream for it if i can remember it
that’s a problem
like someone to yell out like and nicole smith like
i can’t do it
that bit’s like
seven minutes
long and i don’t even know i know some of the
punch lines
this may sound
super fucking cheesy or something like bon jovi
would do but during my last tour i would
bring somebody up out of the crowd
and i’d be like you know the fucking kool aid bit
cause i haven’t done it in
12 years and they
do it they do it fucking
and i’m watching them act out
and they know the kick that i
would do or
whatever physical
thing and i’m just like this is crazy
that’s actually pretty
fucking cool
you know i started out
doing comedy one of the reasons why i did come in the
first place was
reenacting comedians
bits that i saw on tv to my friends
i was like 18 19 like
i remember there was a girl that i was working
with i was working at the boston athletic club in
south boston
and i was a fitness trainer
this girl that was working there had seen sam kennison
on hbo and so she comes up to me and she goes you
gotta see this comedian he’s so fucking funny
he does this bit
about it’s the craziest
thing i’ve ever seen
she gets down on
her stomach in the parking lot doing sam kennison’s bed
about the people having sex with
the gay guys having sex with the corpses yeah
yeah and she’s
lying down in the parking lot at the boss
athletic club
and she’s like
so here these guys are that’s how he does it
here these guys are
the line on the
slabs like oh my god i’m
gonna go to heaven i’m
gonna be with
jesus and oh oh
what is this
it seems like
some guys got his dick in my ass
oh you mean life keeps
sucking the ass even if you’re dead
it never ends
she did that bit
for me in the parking lot and i was howling laughing
and i instantly became obsessed with
stand up comedy
and with sam kennison i was like
i have to go watch this
this is the craziest
thing i’ve ever seen
it took a long time to fucking i
gotta get a vhs copy of it
right and i finally got to
see it i was like holy shit so
would you say
that was obviously one of the moments that like
to find your formative years in
stand up comedy
yeah there was
that and there was when i was a little kid i was
about 13 my parents took me to see live on the
sunset strip
and richard pryor
yeah to my parents were hippies
yeah and my
sister was like
twelve she went to shit
right and so we’re in this theater
and i remember
laughing so fucking hard i couldn’t believe it
it’s kind of
funny about
stand up comedy man because richard
pryor was one of the most brilliant ever for sure but
honestly when you watch it
today some of it is very dated
it doesn’t hit me the
way it hit me back then and that’s the case with
music that’s the case with a lot of
things lenny
bruce is one of the
greatest i’ve ever and one of the most important
pioneers of comedy ever
it’s very hard to
laugh at his
stuff now because the
culture changes people’s perceptions change
and comedy changes and
the comedy that you do
today would probably be too
shocking for people
who lived it’s like
comedy is defined by its certain era
so if you go back and
watch live on the
sunsets trip
today it’s not
gonna hit me like it hit me when i was thirteen
but when i was thirteen i didn’t know anything
about comedy
i couldn’t believe there was someone actually saying
these things
and he was saying it’s so perfectly
i was crying
laughing and
i remember looking around at this theater i’ll
never forget this people were
moving forward in the
chairs and rocking back and forth
and i was thinking i’ve
never seen anyone
laugh like this
in a movie and this guy’s just talking
right i’m like i was
thinking about
stripes cause
stripes had been out at the time
which is one of the
greatest comedy
movies ever i’m like it’s not this funny
nothing is this
funny this is
crazy this guy’s just talking
and that was the
first big seed that was huge
that was just
the seed of my fascination would
stand up but
until i got people
that told me that i
could do it i did not
think i could do it
i was teaching taekwondo and
fighting in tournaments and
these guys that i
would train with
i would make em
laugh in the locker room and on the way to tournaments
cause everybody was scared on the way to tournaments
we’re gonna
get kicked and
punched and shit it’s fucking terrifying
and a lot of guys got
knocked out and you get to see your friends get
knocked unconscious by getting kicked in the head
so there was a lot of gallows
humor on these trips
so i would always be the guy that
would like do
impressions of
all the different teammates having gay sex and all that
stupid shit
and that’s how i got to talk to the dude in
stand up comedy man
fuck it some
stand up comedy is
gotta be one of the fucking
weirdest jobs ever
enter in ever
cause no one
could tell you how to do it yeah
there’s and trying to tell
other people what it really is we
could talk all day
you just you know
when you’re
you gotta be in the fucking mix
when you’re
at your best when you’re locked on
stage and crushing
don’t you feel
or do you feel
cause this is how i feel i feel like
i’m just riding it
i feel like i’m a passenger
you know i feel like i’m
tuned into this whole
thing yeah i feel like as
everything’s coming out
and i’m hitting all the things
it’s almost like i’m just
i’m just i’m on autopilot i mean i’m in some
crazy groove
where i’m getting to watch this
and i’m getting to
experience the words coming out of my
mouth as they happen i have no idea
how the fuck it’s all working so
smoothly i really can’t even take credit for it
that’s interesting because i like i can’t
speak anywhere
near as flawlessly as when i’m on
stage if i tried to tell you a bit
i will stammer i will fucking not remember
and i can groove on
stage sometimes like surfing
where you’re like i don’t know how i’m staying up
right wave for an hour just like
there’s that intensity
that there’s an intensity of communicating with people
you know just like
every cylinder
everything in your
brain just goes
it just all
fires up and it
cranks there’s that
steve martin
born standing up
where he goes
i can feel it in my fingernails i
point out i
can feel it in my foot the way it just moves and
plants i can
every part of my body
feels like it’s emitting fucking
stand up but yet he hated it
being a standard oh my god well
what he hated
is the adulation that came when he became immediately
gigantically successful
and he couldn’t get
an honest response from people anymore
they would start
screaming and
cheering as soon as they saw him
and he would do
these gigantic
arenas that he couldn’t
control and they were just totally out of control
which happens to
a lot of guys when they get big like you know chappelle
when he was touring he
would be really frustrated
after the rick james
sketch came out
because people
would be yelling out
everywhere i’m rick
james bitch
he could be in the middle of
setup some ripped
chains bitch
and they couldn’t
kick out enough people it was just it was too nutty
that to me honestly when dice was at his peak when i
first was watching the hbo specials
i watch young comedian
specials and then he had that i remember feeling like
how the fuck can i do this
but not be a character
how can i do this and be as real
still be an
still be on but be as much me
so there’s none of that fucking
right not to see
people you you know everybody wants to be a little mark
twain you want your shit quoted yes
but not like that right
not like that not a t shirt
right did you get that
weird feeling
you know it’s also like when you are
first starting out in comedy how old were you when you
first got on stage 19
i was 18 18 18
i was i was 21
and i was not a
fully formed person yet you know
right so it’s like
when you’re on
stage i don’t
think i’m talking
i don’t know if i am yet either
i’m sure when i’m 60 i look back at myself now and
go what the fuck kind of shit were you talking stupid
you know that feeling
but i know that
you know i did not have anything to say
there was no reason for me
to be up there talking right
i really didn’t know
who the fuck i was i didn’t know what i was saying i
could show you how to kick somebody in the face
i really didn’t have any
opinions that were
valid on anything else
i mean what the fuck what’s my opinion on anything i
could tell you something silly my
girlfriend did when she was blowing me or something
right i could
you know that’s it but
other than that there’s
who the fuck
are you but
you were and i
threw off a little
bit because you were saying like so then when chappelle
started doing the bigger
shows because yeah even
steve martin
he lost control of the fucking
did you what how
quick was the
jump between you doing clubs and you doing
these giant places
giant arenas
it was actually a slow but
steady trajectory
where when that web stuff
what happened was this in 2001
my first real website that i put up
in combination of napster
starting to get
hot and me uploading all my shit to that with the link
i literally uploaded clips with me at the end going
visitingcook com
at the end of every 20
second clip
then comedy
central i did a half hour presents that i thought
would are fucking
twat i’m like okay
the one with you in the tank top
the tank top
dude i thought all
right you know what
this will air a couple of times
maybe i gotta
light a fire i’m not wearing a bowling fucking
shirt with the same
i don’t want to
look like what anybody else did i just want to do some
crazy shit maybe people fucking pay attention
never realizing they were
gonna air it
five times a week for like two years
it built my
whole fan base
and almost immediately went from a few hundred
seaters to you know a couple thousand
and then i’m doing all the college
stuff in over
three four five years
the emails the instant messages
doing those schools
renting out the
arenas at the
schools and it just built
how much time do you
spend every day talking to fans
emailing you know facebook and twitter
and all that shit i’ll tell you man i don’t
i used to talk to everybody i used to
reply to everybody
if that was at the beginning
that was like from two thousand two thousand five
that’s really what i did most of my day
and then i got to a
point where
you don’t need to read all the fucking
crazy shit that comes back and
there’s just too
too many opinions and too much negativity
so it came down to i’m
replying to
troops if i get letters from like and i can check
check by the
email somebody you know one of our
troops rights
or if it’s like a kid
i write back
i’ve been trolling as a kid for years
don’t assume
don’t assume
you’re talking to
i’ve been talking to joe
i’m writing a log
i’m writing
a book 12 year
old gets advice from dane
no but it took a
while man it
was not like everybody there’s that old expression
or took 20 years to be an overnight sensation
it was a long time and it was not
it was not as instant
maybe as some people thought
it’s got to be satisfying though to
know that you know you went out here and you did some
movies and shit and some
things didn’t connect and didn’t
happen well for you but you did it all on your own
like everything was done through your your own
you figuring out how to self help
self promote and you
changed everybody’s
attitude about it
no comics are good
promoters except
i mean there’s a few it’s very rare but
until you came along
no comics were really good at
self promotion totally
changed my attitude towards you
learn that from your father right
i did man a couple
things that i want to
give credit to joe too
and i told you this a long time ago like you were the
first person to have a website
not only a website but you had cool shit on your
website man you had fucking cool designs and fucking
and that is a
direct result
of my obsession with quake
cause i was obsessed with
quake and i ran into this guy andrew
who was this nut that i met online
from my quake clan
this is how fucked up i was i’d have all
these dudes online from like kentucky and oklahoma
they would come and fly to
california and stay at my house
right this is when i was on newsradio yeah i was on tv
and dudes would come over my house
that i didn’t know
they were just my
quake buddies and they really come over and stay at the
house yeah i’m not bullshitting
i had like five dudes come over my
house and we had a lan
party wow i was so obsessed with this
that i put a
t1 line in my house
because back
then you couldn’t get any fast internet you get isdn
which is not
quick enough
so i said okay how much is the
t1 line it was 1 000
a month i’m like let’s do this okay
so they fucking have to install this business grade
you know internet
line this is that’s why you beat me all
those times you’re a
faster connection for sure
that’s it i was completely
wire to the
336 but what is it’s your ping your ping time
what’s important
you could be on 56 k but if you’re really
close to the server your ping is
fine it’s all
how fast it’s all really just how
much you do it you know just become obsessed with sure
i saw all this you
start to know your
frame rates and we ain’t
gonna fucking
click and bounce and
that’s so dangerous
getting really addicted to
things like that you will lose your life yeah right
did you worry
about doing shit like that like
things that are that eat away your time relationships
marijuana relationships
yeah yeah how dare you
no i’m all listen for me all i ever
all i ever wanted to do is create that’s it
i’m not i don’t have any
other fucking abilities
you know i really
just when i was a kid i had that epiphany moment
where i was like all i really care
about is being around performers talking
about performing
talking about
making something from nothing
and you brought up my dad i was like that’s
my favorite conversations in
life were with him because he was the kind of guy who
would go yeah
you’re a lot of talk dane
i want to see shit
and it was like
he was just
motivating man that’s important
man that’s important having people that don’t totally
completely believe in you
you know it is actually an important
thing the mom
was like oh i
think you’re the
greatest you’re
the best your shoe is so fucking uber supportive
but my dad was
like yeah you’re not really doing anything in order
for you to develop the kind of fortitude that you’re
gonna need to get through
the hard times you have to have something to prove
that’s what i
think i think it’s too hard if you don’t
it’s too hard to really push yourself
right you know
if you don’t have a chip on your
shoulder or something to
prove or some
gap to fill
you’re not gonna do it you’re not
gonna get through that
think about all the guys that we
started out with that were just as good as us
there was a lot of guys that were very commensurate
they were all really
you think of him
what happened to that guy
fuck man like i used to kill
he used to have this one bit
used to destroy and they just
could see that guy on evening at the improv
i could see that guy you know
right headlining and he just stopped
stop doing it
girls too there was this
chick leanne lewis
i was an open micer with her do you remember her
yeah dude she
had some fucking
good bits man
she was still trying to figure out how to go on
stage and develop
but as a comic
as a chick too especially
it was very like honest and out of nowhere and like
well written shit i was like wow this
chick’s gonna be
huge someday like she’s
gonna be like ellen or
just disappeared just fell off just
where’d you go
it’s weird it’s weird
there’s so many fucking
so many slots
so many people
going towards
these slots yeah
and some of them just just too far up the
salmon ladder they just fuck this
i just can’t do it
dan you should use
your hollywood
connections to get
john hughes was just about to
release the
extra hour of planes
trains and automobiles that they filmed
right before he died
what happened to that now
it’s probably all in the family the
family probably owns it and they have to figure out the
rights if that’s
what he wanted i’m sure they’ll probably release it
still why would they want to keep it
they’ve kept it for
what 20 years you know he wasn’t
going to release it ever but then just recently he was
thinking about it
oh well i don’t know
that was awesome
unless it was in as well who knows what the fuck’s
gonna happen
i was telling you before that
you know one
steve martin moment that
was really cause i had dinner with him like a few
months ago he sent me a copy of his book
i was completely
blown away but i’d
never met him i
heard all this
stuff about him that he’s
kinda like you
know maybe not
he’s a little socially awkward all this shit
what a trip it is meeting someone that
famous right
meeting really your hero too
which you don’t want to do by the way
usually you meet your
heroes and you’re like oh that was
kind of sucked
but with him
i was like alright he sent me a copy of his book and i
wrote back just to be like
could i take you out to
lunch and he agreed
so i sat down with him for a little bit and
he’s really really like i’m
i can be shy i can i don’t know
about shy but i can
still be like a little bit you know quiet
but he’s very much like
he won’t say a word i don’t
think if you don’t if you don’t
start the conversation with him
wow but he did say to me at one
point he goes uh
he looked at me kind of like
perplexing he’s
like you look like you really love it up there
and i was like yeah
i really do you know when you’re in the middle of it
and i started
and he goes yeah i
never had that
wow i go never
i go not even at the and he goes
i never had that i
never felt connected when i
thought that
i thought that yeah
that’s so strange
what i have
least in common
with steve martin’s comedy
one of his isn’t that
crazy i wonder
if he’s got some
weird connect in his mind
maybe he’s depressed
maybe a naturally depressed person
well if you read a lot
i read a lot of the
stuff in the new yorker when he
would write oh yeah it was
depressing shit yeah man that letter to my father yeah
that says it all man
read that brian
i was gonna
bring this up but fuck it when when phil hartman was
alive phil hartman was really good friends with
steve martin
and phil hartman
was gonna set
steve martin up with
what i call a coyote
what a coyote is is
these really
kind of crafty professional
chicks that will fuck
celebrity guys in
order to try to get
famous try to figure out some way
this is pre tmz
okay you know now now it’s
like you know you really can fuck someone and all of a
sudden become hugely
famous right
that girl the
jesse james girl
what’s her name bombshell yeah
the mel gibson girl
yeah that girl exactly exactly and then all of a
sudden that actually can parlay
into some sort of
something i mean who knows the fuck you can do but
people have your name they know
who the fuck
you are now
and she was one of
those she was just
kind of creepy she’s like very insincere but really hot
just really beautiful but
you know just kind of something vacuous
there yeah and
phil was gonna set
steve martin up with her
and i forget
who it was one of the cast members was like that is the
creepiest thing ever
he’s like setting her up with a murderer
and this is before obviously phil’s wife killed him
yeah but she’s like this
woman does not she’s not into him
like she’s like looking at
as an opportunity she’s like a little assassin
she’s gonna move in i was like whoa that is creepy
then i started
thinking him as coyotes
from then on it’s like
cause that’s how coyote’s like look at your cat yeah
they look at your cat and like oh look what we got here
bitch i just
gotta figure out a way to get that
yeah you know
those sky bar chicks
will you ever go to the sky bar
once in a while across the
street from the comedy
store we would
always go there
because it’d be really easy just walk across the
street and grab a drink
and there was always like this conversation
do you do coke
sometimes like always that’s
the whole conversation
it’s like producers
trying to talk
starlets into bed
and coyotes preying on
balding jewish men with money
i always hear hooray for hollywood
during all those how much of a boring conversation
how much of a mind fuck is it when you actually met
steve martin
what is it when you’re sitting there talking to him
like isn’t it like holy shit how does this happen
how can this be real am i really
i met gene simmons who came to my new year show
and i was like gene simmons is at my show
this is insane
i saw kiss a bunch of times as a kid
i saw them in the 70s my
uncle used to work for
howard marks advertising which was a company that did
their album covers so i got to meet
ace freely when i was like eight years old
so i got to see them when i was really young
i got to see him live in concert then i got to see him
kevin james and i went
twice in the 90s
we were like holy shit two
nights in a row we’re seeing a kiss i mean
fucking huge fan
so all of a
sudden gene simmons is at my show and i’m shit in my
pants i was like
really nervous for the first time in front of one of my
crowds i mean
everyone is there
specifically to see me but
fucking gene
simmons is one of them i’m like holy
shit is gonna be entertained by you i had to talk
about it i had to talk about it
right away i’m like if i don’t get this out
right away that’s
gonna be fucking with my head the entire
time i’m on stage
junior high
school motley crew i was listening to you know
shout at the devil and it was like that was my anthem
and i fucking went through
and two years ago i’m at the la factory and all of a
sudden a madman
starts fucking running around the
crowd it’s tommy lee
and i found out
he’s my biggest fan ever
and here’s the fucked up
thing i will go to motley crew and do
devil signs and i had the sioux
5 thing he’s
fucking doing what i was doing at his fucking show
to me in front of the fucking live factory and
i’m doing the same
thing i’m going
this is fucking wrong
this is too fucking is the
matrix man i met
tommy lee and i was so
shocked that
he even knew who the fuck i was i was like this is the
weirdest he loves comedy man he’s like he’s into it
no he’s fucking he loves
comics he wants to
or he wanted to at the time
fight kid rock and he wanted me to get him a trainer
he decided he needed to
fight kid rock for
pamela anderson’s honor
so he was talking to me
about like who’s a good
trainer i’m like we can get his trainer
you wanna do
jiu jitsu you
wanna kickbox we wanna
do you wanna
stand and bang
tommy i mean tommy lee
and kid rock that would be one of the saddest
fights of all time didn’t that happen though like at a
music award well i
think somebody punched the money i
think kid rock probably punched him yeah i think
i don’t know who would win that fight but
kid rock he’s got that
that crazy white
trash thing going on
right you have to kill him
you know you know i’m saying yeah like you know
you think you know you
think he’s down
like you were done we’re fucking done here
right yeah yeah we’re done
we’re done no i fucking
say something
fucking hit you in the head with a bottle or something
you know he’s out of his mind i would
probably have to bank on kid rock there yeah i’d go
definitely i’d go kid rock
but you know
what scrapper
tommy’s a long tall guy if he’s got a good straight
right somebody
teaches him how to throw it
he’s a drummer drummers have
a lot of fucking
endurance man
all that shit that’s yeah
it’s like a
speed bag all day
i mean my fucking box his eyes off that might be
it you’re right
but rocks a drummer to people forget that he’s
a drummer yeah yeah but how much does he drum
he’s a drummer like you know not consistently
right you know he’s not a goddamn professional
he’s not out there beating it for motley crew right no
no no he takes a lot of goddamn endurance to drum
you know you ever tried drumming
what are you doing it’s fake sleeve
such a silly fuck this is
for the folks on itunes fake boy a fake
that was a stoner purchase it was
seven dollars for four different
sleeves i got a whole
shirt more i got a whole
shirt like that
to me like man isn’t this the fucking coolest like i
would wear i was like what are you talking
about it’s tights it’s
flashy designer tights
yeah that’s all it is it’s like you’re wearing a rash
guard out but i brought out my falcon
cuff you know like the eddy
rival falcon cuff
joe did you ever get to as far as just
comics that you fucking dug
coming up did you ever get to do shows with like
i don’t know who your
steve martin was or like
a kinsin or one of those guys like
domiraire is the closest
i got to do shows with dom at the comedy
store that was big to
me because i paid to see dom before i ever did comedy
and for people who don’t know domirra
fuck in the late 80s and the
early 90s he was a
monster he’s
still a very funny guy
for whatever reason he
doesn’t get as much attention as
you know i think his act deserves but back then he was
really really popular and i paid
to see him i was living in boston i took my girlfriend
to see him at nyx com
stop and i had
never gone on stage yet
and then all of a sudden
in montreal
at the comedy festivals like i’m working with them
holy shit it was only like
six years later
seven years
later and whatever it was really
fresh in my mind i was like holy fuck
i paid to see this guy
and now i’m working
with them like we’re doing a show together you know
we’re both on the bill
it’s like people are
come to see
him and they come see me like what yeah you know that’s
great but you know that’s not like you know
he became a friend
he came normal
after a while
but i never got to see like my real
i got to see a few of my real
influences live i saw hicks live
i saw him live like four or five times
it was pretty wild
i saw him live when no one knew who he was
and here’s an interesting
thing that’s
for comedy historians
when hicks when i
first saw him he was
very similar to sam kennison
to the point
where it was like he was
stealing his
essence i would say
right you know like you the
steve dunm thing
but it’s a good way of describing it
right when i
first saw him
he was making kinesin
like noises
and doing like
sounds like in
between bits like the bit didn’t go so well and he did
this kinesin
like thing i was like wow
this guy was like
connected to kinesin’s like thing
right and it makes
sense because he was like one of the guys that
opened with kinesin and followed him around the road
but he got out of that
quickly we all are
influenced by
other guys i know you had an anthony
clark period i had a richard
jenny period
where i stopped myself on
stage and i realized i
sounded like my cadence and everything
was richard jennings i was a big richard
jenny fan yeah
yeah i was like i
gotta stop myself
like but a lot
of people don’t know that hicks had that with kinesin
everybody thinks is hicks
especially because he’s dead of this
who is an amazing comedian and very
influential and
very unique
but all of us
have this weird
thing where we want to be like someone we admire
and sometimes it
sounds like it on stage
but he stopped that
after a while i saw him once and he had it like that
and then i saw him again
just like six
months later and he didn’t do any of that
and he had a
bunch of new shit
i saw him do a headliner set
at the comedy
connection and then a headliner set
literally like six
months later and there’s a totally new hour
right and i was like wow
he just he figured it out
right there’s that moment we all have
where it’s like you just something clicks
and you finally realize all
right this is what i need to do or this is my voice or
truth or whatever the fuck it is he
when you think
about it for a guy who’s only
you mean i believe
when he died he was only 32 years old
his ideas and philosophies and the the
validity of his opinions were so advanced
right you know for a person of that
age because really like most 25 year
old guys he was 25 when he was doing a lot of his act
right most 25 year old guys
you better shut the fuck up if you
wanna tell me how the
world’s running just
stop just you don’t know and don’t don’t give me any
nutty fucking nine eleven conspiracy website bullshit
you know you’re fucking what are you
twenty four dude really
just don’t don’t don’t tell me how to run the
world just let’s let’s
grow a little
let’s get some life
experience then
give it to me from
the perspective
of someone who’s actually seen something
but he was advanced
25 26 27 really relevant
points and really good material there’s no bad period
when you look at his material
you know it’s like there was no period
where it was bad it got better and better and better
i think one
thing that he really
latched onto and
maybe it was
after going through the
the kennison
influence was like
and i appreciated
was like this release of
whatever emotion it seemed was
going through him
he just allowed it to come out even if it was mid other
story or idea
and i would just
watch that and i remember
thinking that was like empowering
i was like wow this is a
place where you can go up and you can fucking ring
shit out and people you know with a joke i
think it’s like
a good song sometimes you don’t know the
lyrics to a song
you just love the fucking song you realize years
later like i don’t even know what they’re saying here
but it doesn’t matter
and i think with some
comedians it’s like
it’s not even so much about
what they’re saying
is how they’re expressing something emotionally behind
that those are the guys that i always
watch i mean carlin of course prior
it was like there was
truth mixed with
just humor just random
ideas you know what i got to see too i got to see
kinesin become not so good
that was a fascinating
thing kennison who was my
the guy remember i told you that
chick you know doing that
thing in the parking lot
that’s a got me in a comedy i mean
literally that’s that was the bug
that planted it
and i got to see him perform live
after he had gotten really
famous and really
successful and he
would come on
stage with the two girls and the
whole thing and it was like i didn’t
laugh yeah he stopped being
funny he became like this caricature of this guy
you listened to louder than hell his
first cd or whatever it was you listen to that
still today
and it’s brilliant
it’s really good still
but if you go and you know you look at like the
stuff that he did like
right before he died
it’s not good at all yeah well he got caught up in that
mtv wild thing
and you’re right it was like the
trench code became an
outfit like
it was like a costume yeah yeah
well dice for a while
kinda had the same thing
going on too
where he became the dice man
you know the
dice man was a character that he used to do on
stage right
and he used to do
these john travolta
impressions yes on the
young comedians
yeah that’s
where i really like
thought he was really out of
strong it was
fucking brilliant likable
charismatic yeah
i mean when dice
burst onto the
scene i mean i
think i was
right out of high school
and i remember
thinking that was the funniest shit i’d ever
heard in my life
you know and then hanging out with that guy at the
comic store years and years
later and just like he’s like a normal guy
right you know but now he like
is the dice man full time
it was a character and now he’s got this
leather jacket on and the
gloves on it’s full time now
i have a theory that it’s like when
you’re a character not just
a character but like look at any sitcoms or any fucking
throughout history
if you play a character
especially with
a weird name
like if you’re like a pot
see or a bundy
right you like you
but then you become okay i need to keep that hairdo
i need to be recognized
from that era
and you play into it and
that’s frustrating when
you see that but it’s why i
never wanted to be a character man
i was like i’d rather change and not be as funny
but still have
certain fans and i’ve had this happen i’ve had fans go
dude i like your
stuff back when i first
i know but i was a kid i was talking
about kids shit
i was still new it’s like
if i didn’t change you
would not fucking
hang out and care at all what i was doing
well there’s people that are
gonna like you at one
stage your career not at another and that’s okay
cause that’s
where they are they are
where you were at that
stage your career exactly it’s alright you
know whatever
sorry i love that
sorry i lost you
i got some new people
along the way i lost a few i got a few stragglers
that becomes what you crave
i really believe because at
first you just want to you know i get to keep my fans i
gotta i can hold on am i
gonna make him happy
and when you let go of that
and you realize somebody’s gonna
check out for a
while and then i had a guy
write me an
email and he goes dude listen i jumped on the hate
train or whatever i didn’t like you i listened
isolated incident
heard you talking about your
folks talking
about shit that i’ve experienced
i’m back in man i’m hanging out i’m
getting back on
the dane train
but that’s cool man that’s like
people that can
check in and out
like i respect that you know i do the same thing with
music i don’t
always like what somebody’s putting out but of
course i always listen
perfect example that exactly doing
sound garden then he was doing dog shit now he’s doing
sound gardening
right it’s right awesome i’m
still here all
right i just yeah
i bought that other
stuff i just wasn’t into it yeah but
you know go
ahead take your
chances who the fuck knows what makes the
connection you know
if you don’t take that chance
as soon as you
start thinking
about like wow
i have to do what they want then you’re fucked
because then you don’t even know what you’re doing
it has to be what you
what’s inside of you but that’s how many guys
you guys see this it’s like
that’s why when people
new comics come to you out here and they’re like
what do i need to do i’m like get the fuck out of here
shouldn’t come up here because
you’re gonna be like packaged and immediately like
there’s a stigma on you
leave well there
were so many guys at the la factory that became you
when you became famous
when it was
starting to
happen even when you were packing dublins all the time
there was i noticed
so many guys that were like doing you on
stage i was like wow this
is fucking crazy
it’s like here’s
these guys that
have noticed something that’s working and they
just jumping on it
that’s a fascinating
thing to see
you know like a
whole new wave you know
there’s a wave of guys that came out of the
laugh factory joe coy
that sound just like you
and mitch hedberg
and stan hopes there’s all
these like clones of
clones yeah
yeah well a lot of mitch hedberg guys
right there’s a lot of guys that oh my
god and guys that were like pretty good
comics but they’re like dude you
gotta stop doing that
yeah i know you’re good you have some good jokes but
i’m the cerebral
just this rebuilds like yeah yeah
right it’s like did you doing mitch hedberg
i’ll tell you man
it was fascinating to
okay when it happened and it was like fuck i’m
famous i’m known
people are talking
about me when i’m not trying to fucking get something
going and the dj is like
that was really they were setting this tempo
and then there were guys that you see come out
it’s a little flattering and weird
when you’re like oh this guy’s
kinda like me and it makes you not
wanna watch comedy because you’re a little
freaked out by it
but then you know
that all right couple years down the line
as guys start getting frustrated
those same guys are the ones who
would come out of the woodwork and say
oh no dane fucking took from me
i was doing that shit
that is true
that will happen and guys will forget that they
stole it from you
right that does happen they’ll forget that they
got the idea to behave that way from you and they’ll
decide in their head
somehow that they were doing it
first but you guys
would do that but you know it’s like
it like you just nailed it’s like you
you take that you have a
voice you have
certain people that you want to emulate and
then you figure out your shit and you grow out of it
and i’m as kind of
understanding and cool
about that because
i’ve been up down up down and it’s like
but in the beginning though you don’t
feel that way in the beginning you feel like someone’s
stealing from you and
you put a stop to it
because when you’re not
famous and you’re struggling and you’re coming up and
you know and you’re just
starting to do well and then you see somebody
start ganking off you and you’re like hey hey hey
i created all this
success at a
hard work and you’re just kind of like emulating it
you better stop doing that
you’re doing what you saw be successful
you’re doing a version of me
that’s tricky man that’s a
tricky thing
it’s a tricky
thing because it just feels like someone
i mean really you got to let them do it you know i mean
look if you become
successful just through the merit
of your own work it’s
going to be really
clear who’s
copying and
who’s imitating who
but it just
doesn’t feel like that
in the beginning in the beginning when you don’t have
money and you’re not
like if someone’s doing me now i’m like
look at this guy why are you doing that like well i
guess that’s what happens
right i did kind
of fucking flattering even though it’s kinda old
you know but you figured they
would be done with it
i mean i was doing it when i was an open micer you know
i was doing it like it was a year in or two years in
you know i would hear myself
sound like somebody
else but when someone’s doing it and that’s
their act on comedy central you’re like okay man
you took this too far
you have to do your own
thing you have to have your own delivery yes
and you know what it’s
funny because the
first time in my life i ever ran in that was with you
when we had you know
it was like 1998 and joe called me up i remember i was
still living in that shitty
apartment and you’re like
dude there’s a fucking bit that you’re doing and it’s
it’s like my closing bit
i remember i
was so fucked up by that not only because it was like
you know i had a lot of respect for joe but it was like
i don’t ever want to be one of those guys
that gets you know put in that position
and i remember feeling like that was a
defining moment for me
cause it was like
i need to talk even more
about maybe not nostalgic
things or things that are outward
that i see but
things that are from me
that happened to me
it’s hard though because
especially if you’re
influenced by someone else and your bit is
influenced by
their bit and even though you know it is
you know you shouldn’t probably do it because everyone
thinks that you kind of stole it
but it kills
and that’s the problem when i fucking
crush it it’s all you have at that and it’s such a life
bid it’s just you know you
could go up there with this one and just fucking
slam it in yeah
but really ethically
it’s almost like you have to find out what’s good
about that and cut
it out and try to add it to something that you create
you know you can be
influenced by something
and you know and you’re not even you’re not even
aware of it you know
it’s a lot you never see
a lot of guys
like work together like we saw that at the comedy
store a lot
where guys would work together and guys
would riff in the back parking lot and then they
would go on stage and
it was like a battle over
whose bit is this
whose bit is this we’re sitting out
like stanhope had this fucking
guy that was opening for him this guy was a douche
and he would go on
stage and whenever they
would fucking
riff stanhope
would say a
bunch of cool shit and this guy
would go on
stage and do
stanhope’s cool shit
it’s just like fuck man now i
can’t riff in
front of you
i can’t just fuck around and come up with it but then
when you’re
still two are
doing it together and
then you know you got to figure out well whose is this
what’s going on here
you know or somebody like
you’ll have an idea an original premise
and someone will add a tag to it and then take your
whole fucking
thing and jump on stage
they added a tag like no i
just came up with that to this day like
bobby and al
because i’ve
known al since i was a kid 13 years old
bobby since i
started robert
kelly and us
three definitely
i can hear it all the time
bobby does certain
things i’m like oh that
sounds like me or
all three of us
cause we started we
spent so much fucking time together we formed our
kind of comic
cadences and all the
tricks that you
learned that
those are the two guys that i can
still watch and be like oh that’s how we
influenced each
other i have one
friend when i come up with an idea i have to walk away
i walk away and i say it in my head and i
write it down
i don’t say it in
front of them because if i say it in
front of them i’m pretty sure that it’s eventually
going to go on stage
oh my god so i have to go away
i fucking really do that
yeah yeah and
you know and
the worst is
the one friend that you have an idea and you
start saying the idea and they try to top it and they
start talking over you like no no no
no this is delicate it’s
coming out of nowhere it’s coming out of outer space
let me say it
could you fucking imagine
if imagine if oprah decided
that she was
tired of all this play
yeah maybe she
would just stop stop
stop stop talking
if you talk
right now you’re
gonna i’m gonna miss i’m getting a gift
right now from the universe
it’s like ideas like
crazy ideas sometimes will come to you
fully formed
but if you start talking and explaining it to
other people
and then someone jams in with
their own shit it’s like oh it’s lost now yes
or if they start
trying to get to what you’re getting to
because they kind of get a
sense of it like they’re
wrong territorial
pissings are wrong or
wrong and you’re
like no that’s not what i’m saying at all
and then like fuck
lost all my momentum communications dead that’s we
should all text each other
you’re waiting the
whole time for
that brian you
call me chris
again chris
is your name from now on why do you
think the internet’s
gonna call you chris you look like a chris
mc chris he
brian at the end of the beginning
of the show
dane showed up and dan goes hey chris
brian’s like i’m not chris
call me chris
you always call me chris i’ve
been calling him chris for
like months very upset
and i told them
when you meet as many people as certain people do
you know i literally
you lose your your
space in your memory bank
for people’s now your chris i don’t
see you for a
month your fucking shit is gone from my
brain i know there you’re that guy
hey what’s up
we could have hung out smoked a joint went to a
movie i don’t fucking remember you dude
right there’s too many they remember
everything right you remember joe
we met and we hung up
it was the galaxy theater
and we all stood on the curb
and you’re like i don’t fucking remember
where this was i have a friend who’s
famous who likes to fuck a
bunch of different girls
and his whole i mean he’s a complete
pussy addict
and he doesn’t
think it’s a big deal and
these girls aren’t
gonna be attached to him i’m like do you not understand
i go you are
in movies and people love you and they
see you all the time and
they’re attracted to you
and you’re meeting all
these people millions
and millions of them and it’s not a big deal to you
but to them
it’s like what
like oh my god this is a life
memory big fucking
giant movie and his
penis inside my vagina
it’s like the
greatest moment ever and you forgot her name already
right it’s literally one of the top
three things that they’ll ever fucking
wanna talk about with their
close friends
yeah i try to tell this dude the reason why
these girls go
crazy is cause they
think you’re in love with them they
think you know this is
gonna be like a love affair
now and you’re just moving on to the next chick and
you know you
gotta be careful that
right well yeah
you’re single
i am i am no i was with a
chick for about
five years and
about eight
months single so she was she was there for the big ride
for most of it yeah yeah
what would finally just
drove the nail
it’s it’s everything a lot man yeah she in the business
you know what
it was it yes but i went through a lot of shit man my
folks and then
into my brother
roughest four five years ever
i’m surprised you’re even functioning
you know sometimes i am too mad because it really was a
you know i lived
to perform cause
my folks were just the coolest fucking people and
but they got to see
everything that’s
what i’ve come to the you know at the end of all the
talking about it and
figuring out it’s like they got to see
everything i want do you find it’s hard to date
chicks in the business
mmm right now i’m
just having fun so i’m just kind of like doing whatever
but i would not want to settle down with a headshot no
that’s it that’s
why i have a no headshots possible yeah
yeah seven year
seven year period a
great that’s it no headshots
after seven years you
haven’t had a headshot in
seven years okay you’re good you’re
clear you’re
clear you’ve
escaped the spell
you know but there’s
real housewives of calabasas all
these crazy bitches
out there they all wanted to be actresses yeah man
i know i’m fucked up okay but i figured out
how to deal with my fucked up and make it work and be
a fairly healthy
human being but i know that
other people that are
fucked up like the odds are
going to be
able to talk and hang out and be cool with each
other and make this work out and
both be balanced it’s very hard
the odds are very very
small that you’re
going to have your shit together and we’re
going to have a healthy relationship you
know it’s just like too many times over and over and
again you just deal with all these
crazy people and all this
psychosis involved in
the auditioning process
breaks people’s souls
because this getting this
movie or getting this
television show or anything they’re auditioning for
could be the biggest
fucking moment in their life
and they’re
freaking out and they’re pacing
around the waiting room and you get to see them go over
their lines like it’s it makes
i went for i read for a sitcom like six months ago
i got nervous being in the room with all
these people that were nervous
right i was like i just
wanna get the
fuck out of here like this is a terrible feeling
you know i’ve got
money i don’t have to
worry about shit this just seems like a
bit of a fun job
i’m looking at all
these people like this is like
their big fucking
thing their big break
and they’re doing that
every day over and over
again getting rejected getting rejected
needing that love getting rejected
i love getting rejected so
close but nope
final three no no
no and they’re
doing this for years and years
and this is
already a person who psychologically unbalanced
already a person who
the reason why they want to be a performer in the
first place is they want to be
loved because they
weren’t love as a child
so there’s this incredible horrible imbalance
and they just can’t can’t
quite connect and then
you start dating them and it’s like
look man you’re not on a comfortable road
like this isn’t
gonna be smooth and
relaxed and everyone’s carefree
this is gonna be constant
psychosis do you
think i’m good do you
think i’m fat is this good is
what am i a
loser will you read lines with me oh
fuck all our
friends are
like that though
you know yeah but i’m not
dating our friends yeah but they
should yeah but they
still have that same kind of fucking
doing that five times a day
every day yeah but they have success as
comics that’s
the difference guys like joey and are yeah they’re
going to auditions all the time
but they’re also killing it on
stage all the time
they’re also
they’re doing comedy all the time you know
and joey’s always
getting acting gigs here and there so it’s like
ari’s always getting you know
here and there they have it out ari’s doing well
it’s the people that are not making the
connection and girls too
if you’re a girl man
it’s a natural feeling i
think for a girl
to want some sort of male companionship and
protection for a
woman to be by herself comes here from like
omaha nebraska or something
she’s gonna
be incredibly insecure like a cork in the middle of the
ocean by herself anyway
doesn’t have any friends committed to this acting thing
and then just rejection rejection
rejection and then
their whole
childhood thing that drag them there in the
first place then you come
along and you’re like
hey do you like to go see a movie
even know what the fuck you’re getting into
right you just open up the door to hell
my ex was one of the
classic cases of
everything that
i didn’t know till
after the breakup
everything she always said she hated she became
like literally
every fucking facet that’s
why they hate they hate what i mean what they hate
is what they’re afraid of in themselves right
but it’s tough because then people go
you know what
like people that are further
along in this industry when
i’m always like what’s your gem what can you you know
what can i learn from you and they go
yeah you don’t
wanna be with
a girl who’s in the industry but then you’re
like if somebody who isn’t how do they really fucking
understand the
bullshit that i then have to deal with and
right so what’s that middle ground
who’s that girl in the middle we can find girls and
i’ve met girls in
the business that are really cool it’s just really rare
you know there’s a lot of them that are just really
normal they
just like acting
i am kind of dating a girl now but
after what i’ve been through you’re kind of more
trepidatious because you’re like
that’s gonna
go through that in there
trepidatious is a very rare word
thank you that was
strong thank
you strong move
charlie yeah
it’s there’s a lot of people who do
think that you can’t
you can’t find someone
you know in the business but
you can it’s
just rare you know you can’t rule it out but as a rule
if you’re gonna have an
ethic it should be a no headshots policy
find some normal
chick i have a head and butt shot policy
i like the way through the little gulp in the middle
that’s brian
he’s always got to do something like that just to
make oh chris oh chris
so um now that you’ve
like you’ve done like how many specials
uh four cds
couple of specials
when you do it now do you give yourself
a specific amount of time like do you do a special
and then say alright now i
start fresh with all new material and within
x amount of
months i do a new one
this is probably the
first time in a
while that i’m not putting a time
limit on it
i mean i used to it was like i
every it was like
every other year
and then you’re preparing during
time but now is like i’m just
i’m doing it for the
first time in a
while really just
enjoying it
it’s not a machine it’s not like i got a fucking top
as i gotta make
money it’s like
i’m okay now i’m in a good spot
my fans are happy i’m
you know i’m
happy i’m balanced
you know after some
crazy you know years
i’m just trying to
have fun i’m just trying to
enjoy it man yeah yeah
because that’s the
thing you guys it’s like
i had this moment
was like i had a good year when i hit
where i’m like this is
dream come true time and i really did
enjoy it and then it was like i
took care of my family and
i had money
and then a lot of
stuff happened
so i you know a lot of
stuff happened whether it was like internal
from you know
comedians or whether it was you know my
folks being sick or
all the shit
yeah dog shitting and getting evicted
it was like i didn’t have time to just be a regular
like person
in process everything
and so that’s what i’ve really done the last
year so you
find that i find that
it drives me really
crazy when i come up with
a bit and then i put it on a special and then right
after i fucking film it i have a way better tagline
it drives me nuts
and i’m like i let this go too
quick i should have worked on this like
part of the process of developing material
is you got to do a bit over and over and over again
until you find the
rhythm of it you
find you know
the natural
order of the words and
it’s never done no it’s
never done man
that’s one of the
great things
about those guys in boston that the untold
story of why they were so good
is those guys had the same act forever
i mean a lot of
those guys unfortunately
kept the same act for years and years
and years and
people actually grew to
expect it they
would go see
steve sweeney
who was fucking brilliant
but it was the same brilliant
20 minutes that you had seen
seven years ago and
they had it down
and they had
their act and it was a fucking machete
and it would just
slice through the
crowd it was just
all the timing was terminators yeah
the timing was just perfect you know
the timing was just deadly there were so many of
those guys then too
yeah yeah if you come out with a bit
and you don’t really
develop it enough it’s like you know
maybe you didn’t
quite get it out the perfect way
you know people love new
shit and that’s more important to them than anything
but you wanna like god you
wanna make sure it’s done yeah
wanna make sure it’s really done i kind of was like a
few years back fell into this routine of like you know
maybe it’s never done
and maybe it’s always kind of
evolving in something else
and that’s okay
maybe it’s just again more
about who i am
because i loved guys like even johnny carson growing
up i didn’t know what the fuck johnny was talking
about half the time when i was a kid
but it was like this idea of oh
you’re attracted to
this person
and there’s something glamorous
about stand up
where you can’t go anywhere else
except for maybe what we’re doing here today
without somebody impeding on it
and like editing it or some
standards and practice
there’s always somebody fucking with you
except comedies
glamorous cause you can say whatever
it is you wanna
say and that’s one of the
things that i love
about this podcast too is this
is so look how easy this is yeah
we just have a
couch and a webcam
and a fucking
table and a laptop it’s
that’s it that’s all and a
flashlight that you can fuck
and a flashlight that you can fuck and some
and no one can tell you what to do and look
you know look it’s not polished
is not we don’t edit it we just
fucking it’s just a conversation it’s a conversation
every week you
might like it we hope you do
yeah but no one’s fucking with and
it becomes itself and you don’t you know
other people digging
their fingers in it and
that i’ll take this over any like any
even like whatever reality
like everything so processed
and so fucking prepared right that
why can’t something be a little ragtag a little
messy and real
yeah and maybe a little uncomfortable and really
you know have an amazing moment well for you i
think this is very important because
because i think you’re a very misunderstood guy
and the ability
to express yourself for long
periods of time will get a chance for someone to see
your real personality
as opposed to this projected imager
that they have of
you i get that yeah you
know so this is like
a great medium
because if you’re doing like a fucking tonight
show set or something like that you’re sitting on the
couch you’re talking for
seven minutes
to me it always feels like it’s over
that’s it it’s over
right it’s like i don’t even know
who was i was i me did i get it out
right right
you know did i just
fucking force this for
seven minutes
yeah fuck yeah
so nobody really
i mean this is a fantastic opportunity that we have
today to do something like this this didn’t exist
for performers of
other generations i mean
the ability
to let people really know who you are
warts and all this
is exactly who we are and seeing
comics and however many
entertainers like go from
this to getting that fame or fan base or whatever it is
without anybody in the middle of it without
managers and agents and
it’s pretty incredible
man bob bob burnham
yeah bo bo burna bo burnham
bo burnham he’s like 18 or something isn’t he a really
young kid yeah
i had him open
for me in new hampshire he’s killing them
everywhere he did a
bunch of shit on youtube and people
loved his songs on youtube like comedic songs
and all of a
sudden this kid is fucking packing
places right
i mean it’s incredible just because of the internet
that kid that was on
ellen that kid that
sang that paparazzi song
the lady gaga song was brilliant it was at like a
school talent festival or something like that
and this kid was fucking
brilliant yeah and now
he’s getting
real singing
right it’s amazing it’s like you instantly
you know can connect to people that just
weren’t available
before you before you had a go through
magazine but let’s be
devils advocate for a
minute because how fucking
quickly is that kid fucked up now
oh he’s dying
because there’s no
fights like he’s out of that fucking
plane no tandem jump for him
no fucking let’s do a thousand
hours 11 right
isn’t he 11 or something like
that so he’s 11
that’s the scary
there will be a certain
chew em up spit em out process with some of
these people
that make it
through there it’s like people who win the lottery
most people who fucking play the lottery are like
you know fucking got nothing no
you know and then you see that document on hbo
you see lucky yeah
about these fucking people that hit the lottery there
nowhere near prepared
people who are already rich know how to have
money people who have nothing and they get rich
get fucking
crazy yeah crazy nuts
when i got first about my
first development
deal my manager thought i had a gambling problem
and it was because i was buying lobster like
every night
i was just eating like a king
that would be nice
i got a fat
check and i just went off like a rocket i was
spending like 10
grand a month and he was like
what the fuck are you doing i’m like i’m having fun
bitch the first
money i ever had
and the dumbest
thing i probably ever did was
i logged in
again this is when the internet like 56 came out
i logged into like a poker fucking website
and i said i’m like i’m
gonna play poker i’m pretty good at poker
i lost five
grand in my
underwear in
about six minutes wow
literally in the middle of the fucking
night i remember pushing my ibm
thinkpad away from me
going i can
never do this
again wow five grand
like that fuck
i love internet gambling
i love the idea
i’m scared that it’s fucking rigged though man come on
it’s totally
rig it’s gotta be joe
come on man i wonder because if you you can
they played guys on
quake and they’d be bots
and they would
never miss they
would just destroy
it like literally
100 no you never come
close to them
they would know
where you were at all times they know exactly the
right weapon that you used because they
weren’t really playing it was just a computer
simulation that was playing perfectly
right you gotta have
these poker
things not only that but
who’s to say somebody is in playing
and has a screen open of
best odds on hands and
anything else so it’s like
or hackers that just
haven’t been caught that are sitting there like
call of duty behind a wall and
watching your
hand exactly
oh yeah for sure i used to play
chess online then i’m like some fucking fag is
gonna have a
chess fucking master
thing opened up
and he knows 10 moves
ahead already
you know what though for
chest you shouldn’t even care let him
cheat go ahead
you know it’s only
gonna make you better
when you’re
playing someone in chest the
worst key is to play the
tough tough people the worst
is scrabble
everyone’s addicted
to scrabble apps and facebook scrabble
really there’s so many websites
you just sit there and you type in what you have
what’s been
placed and they’ll tell you the best word
from the dictionary is 12
points so play scrabble play old school
labeling some people sitting around that’s the only way
we live in a society
where people feel
victorious when they figure out the best way to cheat
that’s victor
if i can figure out how to
cheat out cheat you
i’m fucking
great i’m more amazing than you at something
it’s fucking insane
is pretty interesting
but you think
about the russian mom how much
money the russian mom is made by cheating
made by getting people’s credit cards made by hacking
things made by doing that
it’s like when you realize the actual numbers involved
you know it’s fuck it’s a
it’s a branch of business yes
i mean literally is a branch of business
duping people is a branch of business
ripping people off ripping off
their websites hacking into
their shit getting credit card numbers
it’s a branch
of business i mean it’s like this is sophisticated shit
you know this is being sophisticated
stuff being done on a high level
whenever you’re
gonna have any sort of a situation like that
where there’s kind of an open door
you know and there’s programs you
could run programs in the
background think
about how many goddamn
viruses there are you
know i mean
viruses and
key loggers and just fuck man and
going into the cloud man
going it’s skynet
dude it’s happening totally google is skynet
right google is
i use it for
fucking email and i use the chrome
browser yeah
is that uses all
bunch of websites
dedicated to that too
everything’s that’s
that’s kind of
weird man it’s
freaky when you
think about like pretty soon
everything access to everything
all the time
and computer
power is exponentially increasing
so the kind of programs the kind of
things that computers can do is
going to change
drastically over the next few years
but i watched a
thing on dateline the other
night it was
about a woman who
fell for the scam of like
you know contact
us there’s a million dollars and a bank account
and yeah and i couldn’t believe it it’s like this
woman was like i’m 300 000
down because they keep writing me saying we need more
money to get the money out
who who yeah i get
those all the time dude people are
crazy you ever
write them back sometimes i’ll
write them back just for the hell of it just
to be like i mean
a whole email folder says scams
and it’s just
conversations that i have with fucking nigeria
terrorists that’s
you gotta you
gotta post that shit
that’s fucking
weird how many i get
i get like i get at
least one a day at
least one one guy a day
good evening sir
i represent the bank of newcastle and we
right now have
you know a situation
they don’t know your name but they know dear sir
or ma’am yeah and you’re like this
you could possibly help me there’s
three million dollars in cash here
yes i’m looking for someone who can come up with a
small deposit to get out the you know
the box like that’s it fuck man
but a lot of people get fooled by
those nigerians
apparently it’s a
lot of people
get fooled for
those key whether you
think it’s facebook and you type in your username oh
yeah every day
a new person on
facebook or something like that
yeah fishing sites are big man
you know look people are fucking
crafty you gave somebody my
phone number remember
some dude you thought was really
cliffy b oh that’s
right somebody i
tricked him
i started getting
phone calls i’m
like fuck bro oh shit
i thought it was real
cliffy b that was a good trick too
wow it was not a good trick
look at the address well i mean
for if it tricked me you know it’s a little bit better
it was new in
my space you
myspace myspace account you became a
pretty fan boy
everything you’re a
baby fan boy and
didn’t pay attention
the actual address
it was true
they cloned
you got god
you got god man
you got god son
at least i didn’t twitter my
phone number
i did twitter my
phone number last
time it was
month are you
thinking you’re
dming someone
dmed dm to somebody yeah
fucked up but i kept it as a fan line it’s fascinating
i just turn it on in middle of nowhere and just
start answering calls joe rogan fanline
right i start talking to people
get the fuck out of here that’s why you
gotta get the same out man
yeah it sounds
like awesome it’s the coolest shit man that app is
great man i will do it i will get it they
can ring your
phone they never know your
phone number
you go live i do a
thing i go live you hit a button
sends it to everybody
and then they can just call like a
radio station like this rolling
are they located in san francisco
is their headquarters
located in san francisco yeah i believe so
cause i met someone who was trying to
get me to do that years ago but of course i blew it off
they should do it yeah no
i’m on it what
other things what other
things do you do for promotion
how many different
things are you involved in
just a few one of yourself
just a few men i do the say now obviously facebook
you know the twitter stuff but
not a lot man
those are like the
those i don’t do four i don’t know what four square is
i hate that shit why
would you want it to be the
ultimate stalker
what’s that
hey i’m at applebee’s here’s the
exact location i am here
right now oh
you can’t do that
that’s nutty that’s not
gonna happen what is that my location
stuff like why
would you wanna do that
there’s an app on your ipad where you
could just sit here and put your address in and it
would show you all your neighbors who have twittered
where at least who have said yes you can use my
location that’s in twitter
you can see who’s in your neighborhood
as twittering right now
that’s ridiculous
yeah that’s creepy
there’s like
i just read
there’s like 45
apps right now in the app
store that have code in
it so that people can log in and get your contacts list
really jesus christ yeah
yeah they’re
a fifteen year old kid put up
handy light two weeks ago right
right and it was
a tethering yeah
there’s like
45 that’s how many they
admit there’s like 45
you know it’s
crazy is what’s even
worse is android when i had android there was so many
bad rogue apps like i downloaded a weather app
and it was just
supposed to give me the weather and it was like this is
gonna take your contact list you know how it gives
you the warnings of all the
things it was like five different
things i was like why
this is a weather app why
does it need my contacts this is how much of a fucking
schedule i am
right now when you’re single again
i had a girl call me
randomly and
cause i know my numbers out
there sometimes and people can you know people do post
shit it’s like you change your number what’s wrong so i
middle of the
night i’m like hello
you know giggling and
is this dane
and i’m like
yeah yeah what’s up
where’d you get this number oh my god oh my god
and then finally she
sounded so hot that i was like
like where are you guys right now
i was like age
sex location how old are you guys being like oh we’re
22 i’m like
are you guys in la what’s up
send a picture
so they send a
picture when you’re single
again you’re like
there’s no laws that
govern me at this
point right yeah fucking take full advantage of this
crazy magic
trick you have
doesn’t it feel like a
crazy magic
trick yeah man
it feels like
as long as you recognize it’s a
magic trick the real problems when dudes
who have the
magic trick don’t
think it’s a trick i
think i am this fucking
special yeah yeah
yeah you know that’s
an easy soup to
start drinking
right no i never forget and go
i can’t i was the
guy that couldn’t fucking
get it done man i had no game i had no fucking approach
so yeah i’m constantly reminded
it’s a very strange
thing when people are
under the spell
you know when they’re looking at someone
famous and you see that
their hearts beating fast and
their hands are shaking
it’s like wow
just just because they’ve seen your
image broadcast
somewhere or they thought you did something that they
enjoyed that
would be with
the matrix baby
steve martin that’s how it
would be yeah
steve martins like be like pantaleonian
matrix eats one
believe that
stakes real fuck it i don’t
care if it’s fucking not real
still to this day i’ll go back and listen to let’s get
small yeah fuck
you know especially for them i
mean when was it was it like 78 or
something like that
right before the jerk
right wasn’t that like
right before the jerk yeah
fuck man and he told me i was asking
about the jerk
cause as much as i
could i was like you know
once he warmed up i was like tell me a little about
the jerk and
he was like
i was just driving to the gig
every day with kyle weiner and we’re like is this
funny is this funny
they were just doing what comics do
and then get to set and make it work wow yeah
yeah they were like we had no clue what we were doing
or how big that was
going to be
i want to know what happened with him because there was
definitely a
point in his time kind of
after planes
trains and auto
bills around
grand canyon times
where it seemed like he just stopped playing
steve martin and
started acting like a
old man or something like
no more crazy
he was forcing the
crazy what you’re feeling on that don’t a lot of
comics want
to be like you got to take me serious a lot of
comics go through that
phase where it’s like
i’m a serious
human being happen stop smoking weed
what about that
weird thing
where where
comics want to be
taken seriously and they
start like making
points on stage that aren’t funny
horror yeah oh
i work with this
comic once i’m not
gonna say his name but he’s a political guy
pretty famous guy and
he did this line and then he said
that usually gets an applause break
and it wasn’t even remotely funny some
silly fucking democrat versus republican point that
should be obvious to anybody’s paying attention
and it was just like wow like you’re
going for that like
they lose this
perspective and all of a sudden they start
thinking that they’re like this
voice of reason
that people need to hear
yeah like come on man you’re supposed to just be funny
right if you don’t have anything
funny to say about a subject
or if it’s not setting up something
funny later
yeah you know i understand if you wanna like get a
point across or give a perspective
that may not be funny but it gives us your
point of view so i understand what you’re talking
about when you say some funny shit later
but if you start preaching
that’s a fucking
tricky thing right yeah yeah no no that’s
how many guys
have seen do it though a lot right yeah yeah
and it seemed like there was like a
phase not as much now but a few years ago
where everybody was trying to do that you know
where everybody was like this is the
point in my act where i’m gonna
dim the lights and do bill maher real talk
right it’s like
no i’m there
for fucking yucks man i’m there to make you
laugh your ass
off i’m there to make you escape for a little bit
there’s a lot of fucking guys that do it
a thousand times
better than me but i figured out how to do it my way to
where i can
entertain you
and we can all forget
about the real hardcore shit for a little bit
that’s all i’m supposed to do man yeah
really if i can do some
flicks if i can produce some tv
stuff great
i love comedy that
doesn’t have
to mean shit like joey diaz is one of my favorite guys
to watch ever cause
everything is up my ass and my balls and my dick
shut up suck my costume
that’s a boston
too everything
ended up up the ass if you
could get the fucking
if you had no
end of your joke
it ended up up your ass i
appreciate like really deep
thinkers and i
appreciate people with really fascinating
points of view
but for the most part
a lot of that
stuff is not funny
a lot of that
stuff really it’s almost
you’re disrespecting certain topics by doing them on
stage i mean you can kind of like
brush on it and like
kind of like
dabble in it but
if it’s a really fascinating subject
it’s something that needs to be
explored and it’s not
going to be funny
just for flat out funny
like for me i like
stupid shit
like a joey diaz type guy
that’s the kind of shit i laugh at
i wanna you
know i wanna
laugh at someone i mean i love good writing and
everything like that
but i love just as much
joey diaz he’s got this joke
about transvestites
he goes i love
they cook they
clean you can beat on them
every once in a while
the cops come
who they gonna believe me or some dude with a wig and a
black eye it’s
great that’s like just bang bang bang
i mean it’s just
laughing it’s a great joke
that’s fucking
tremendous joke
but you know i’m saying it’s like that’s my
that’s the kind of shit that’ll make me clap and laugh
and then hours
later i’ll be at the diner eating clapping and laughing
you know it’s like
that’s my favorite kind of comedy i like just
stupid shit
that’s why i like old
steve martin
exactly yeah old
steve martin was awesome
what are your favorite
comics like
today that work today
i just watched
bergen on letterman
i think billy’s just like
he’s one of the funniest guys out there and i
think he you know he’s like a
he’s an architect
man he gets out there and he fucking figures out and
he’s just funny
it’s just about fucking being funny
and he’s not
gonna use his
power to you know like you know do that try to get yeah
just funny cat man just it’s all pure
i like to watching
you know chappelle
before you know he kind of disappeared
you know i always appreciated
watching dave get up
as a guy who’s like on the same
level as him like fame wise does it
freak you out that he
doesn’t fucking perform in these big
places does it
freak you out there like you aren’t you like
why don’t you like let people know
where you’re
gonna be man
why don’t you do more shows
like he’s one of the best ever
one of the best ever
right now and
it’s so rare
i don’t know
dave personally it’s
all like i don’t have insight but just from what i hear
you know he’s just
he’s he’s got some
stuff to work out
you know so
maybe he’s just not in a
place where he can face that head on
i know i’m putting it
yeah i know what you’re talking
about i mean i
heard that crazy
story about the
whatever the hell happened on the airplane
right where they had to land somewhere and the pilot
thought that he was a hazard to the flight
so they landed
early yeah that’s extreme
you know that’s extreme
stuff i don’t i don’t know what the fuck is
going on but
i met him when
i did i mean the comedy clubs in new york and
i did this appel show
twice and he says so he’s been a cool dude but i
never got to know
deep yeah i don’t
think he’s like that though i don’t
think a lot of people know him
really personally he’s
kinda you know
living in fucking utah or somewhere and just i oh
yeah yeah yeah it’s strange huh
yeah but you know that’s one of the
things that i said also that i
think people really love
about him is the fact that he is
kind of reclusive he is kind of like the reluctant star
and one of the
things that people will like go
after you is
like the you already have attention so they’re like why
this fucking guy want more attention
right yeah you fucking attention whore
look at this attention or show your
mouth attention whore
yeah no it’s like that’s what it is like people
think that like when you promote if you’re
self promoting that somehow or another
you know you’re doing something to them sure
you know do you get
fucking spamming me
it but it you know any
any level of
success and what i’ve
learned having you know
again slow but
short trajectory is like
there’s always
more people that don’t like what you do then
of course like
what you do and that’s it and you just attract
more of people
that like you more
don’t like you will be attracted to you and tell you
of course like i said i’m totally hypocritical
i hated a serious man and
i went on twitter and i’m like seriously fucking sucked
if somebody
could have seen me
perform and
did the same thing but
that’s okay though you
gotta realize that you know there’s
gonna people there’s a lot of
music that i fucking love
and you know if
mrs rogan gets in the car with
me she’s like what the fuck are you listening to right
and i’m like this is i was made for loving you okay
yeah you don’t
know this you don’t know this fucking song
you know somebody like chapelle
though i mean regardless of what he’s dealing with
there’s so many when
steve martin did arenas
steve martin
was doing also
he wasn’t doing like when people say like
arenas today
yeah i’m doing
maybe twenty thousand people
that dude was doing fucking
sixty thousand people
in an arena
where he was partitioned
with no screens
nothing man mike
white suit dot on the
other side of the
place so you understand
but with me it’s like
i have the most amazing
like the guy that comes out my road guy aldotley he did
zeppelin he did elvis
he’s got all the
gadgets we put
screens we make
you feel like you’re in your living room
i go in the middle not because i want to be a gladiator
because it’s four theaters
at any point it’s easier to be
close to people from the middle it wasn’t like a thing
where it was like yeah by being in the middle on the
on the rock stars no it’s like i need to be as
close to people in
these big shows
as possible i’ve only done one theater in the
round show ever
maybe two was
it in cape cod no
don’t think
what was the
whole thing
turned remember that round
yeah what was that one
that was a minute where
was that where
it would like the whole
stage was that
phoenix turned i
think it was
phoenix yeah i did something if it is
it always weirded me out that people were behind me
you know fucking
this is strange i’m performing
and i’m not looking there’s people behind me like that
yeah i couldn’t get past that
that was freaking me out
but what you
really is smarter
right it’s like more more dynamic it’s a
three dimensional approach
as opposed to i love
it standing
in this one
plane facing this one way
every time yeah when people are behind you too
and i always keep a little
light on everybody
there’s a constant flow of energy
by seeing other people
and feeling
it’s just there’s something unique
about being in the middle
like they’re seeing
people not just you yes they’re not just seeing a
stage with you they’re seeing people
watching you and that isn’t at it
well that’s interesting
absolutely that’s
an interesting way to look at it yeah like everybody’s
like whoa we’re on this together you’re just talking
about on an energy
level if you want to talk
about that like for me
it’s like what you put out there and it
doesn’t dissipate
the way i feel it does when you’re just
launching it at them like you’re meant to look at me
when they feel like it’s
their part of it they’re connected to it
it’s a different
kind of comedy man it’s a different show and the
screens look i got all four
so even when my backs to you
there’s never a bad seat
even if you’re up top
you’re looking directly out at a
screen so we figure out how to make it work
that’s pretty fucking bad yeah
it’s got to be really strange do shows
for that many people what is it like to do a show for
twenty i think
the most i’ve ever come out and do it man next time i
do a gig come out and do
you know come out and open
i’m telling you are
now i’m serious
maybe i always have people you know
people have
never done those shot size
shows on the last tour
i just feel like dude come out come out
and it was great man and everybody
thinks i’m not it’s not
gonna work for me there it’s like no
first of all my fans are comedy fans
they’re not the
kind of people that get like oh we’re just waiting for
they love comedy
most of my fans and
you never want
to go back once you’ve done big shows like that in the
round man it’s amazing yeah i promise very bizarre
yeah i know you dig it man you dig it
i have a shiny bald spot in the back of my head i do
not how do you up joe i’m telling you
right now i got all that shit are you kidding me i’m
thinking no hat man
20 000 people what is the biggest
crowd you’ve ever performed
gator growl
gator growl pennsylvania
forty eight thousand in florida
whoa yeah gainesville
mm hmm damn forty
eight thousand yeah holy shit that was pretty cool
what the fuck was that like
that first laugh was like
it came across the
field that’s insane but i
would never want to do that size
in that like a stadium if i could do that again
doing an arena
it’s compact everybody’s right on you and
can’t you imagine eating shit on stage
in front of 48 000 people
could you imagine
bombing can you imagine hitting a joke
especially if you did a controversial
joke and they didn’t like it they turned on you
48 000 and maybe you gotta
still do another
40 minutes oh my god you better make sure that’s what
and trust me
i made sure it’s like
my fans are showing up for this
i’m not setting myself up for that kind of you
still look back and remember the
first time you ever bombed
yeah oh yeah a
bunch of them
i just wrote it’s
called new york
i just i just
wrote a chapter
in this book i’m writing all on the very
first time i ever bombed which
is a horrible terrible disaster
that i’ll never forget because it was the
first time i ever bombed
while i was getting paid
oh that’s a big difference yeah
bombing open mike knights everybody’s
bombing you know it’s like there’s like five people are
gonna eat shit on
stage you’re only up there for five minutes
but once you do a paid
and i was middling i shouldn’t
have been middling i really didn’t have the time
and the guy went on before me fucking crushed
and there was this
chick that i
had seen the last time i was there and she was
super hot and i fucked her
and she was in the
front row and she brought her friends
and her friends look and they were
going to sit in the
front row when i went on
stage so i was panicking
i was like they’re
going to be like
right in front of me i was only like a year into comedy
year and a half
almost and this guy went up who was the mc
was way better than me
he was already better than me
and i was like i conned this fucking book me
into making me a middle
i was like it’s just a cocky douche i was like i
could be i can middle come on i can middle
so he lets me middle
and this guy goes on
stage and destroys
and he stopped
doing comedy he’s really too bad he’s a natural
i don’t remember
his name unfortunately but he fucking killed
and then i went
after him in
eight just dry
bricks of shit
with no water for 20 minutes
it was the most embarrassing feeling i’d ever
had in my life i couldn’t believe how unbearable it was
and her and her friends were like looking at each
other and her friends
would lean over and say something like you have friends
oh no and then i
could hear crickets and i’m trying to be like
extra loud because i’m
trying to bring it back to my side
so you force the
punch lines and the timing is all off and
it sucks even worse
and my only
experience with being nervous before
my only experience with pressure had been
fighting so when
fighting in tournaments
you know if you’re nervous you just turn inward
and you say this
doesn’t matter i’m
gonna do this i’m
gonna do this i’m
gonna do this i’m
gonna fucking explode i’m just
gonna fucking go
go go you’re
terrified but
you just get
psyched up to go
which is the
worst thing you
could ever do on stage
to be nervous and
aggressive and
fucking and all
and turned into yourself i don’t give a fuck what they
think i’m just gonna go
it’s the worst
mindset ever for comedy
that’s called being
carlos mencia
i’m gonna turn it in i’m
gonna explode
the most feud
i had to do
did you ever do shows without microphones oh yeah yeah
i remember parties ever do a
batch party on the mic i did yeah i used to do like
colleges around boston
where they’d hire me and i’d be like where this
i’d be standing on a pool table
i did one in the cafeteria
standing on a cafeteria chair
table yeah ricky
table like i couldn’t move
that was their
stage i did a place
in in florida called the wrath skeller
they hired me to come down and it was like one of my
first road gigs
and it was the
thing where it’s
like there’s food being served during the tvs are on
like all that shit
where it’s like the whole
everything is happening
and i’m doing
stand up and
somebody threw a hot dog at me like
five minutes into an hour
those gigs are so important man all
those shit gigs that boston comedy used to book and all
those little
weird fucking
places in new hampshire you would
drive an hour and a half up to
new hampshire and do some
weird bar with a tinny
sound system
those are so good though
when you look back at it now how important were those
like for developing your ability to like
focus on stage and kill and
cut the fat out of your act and
driving home from orno maine once
i got a gig up there and it was the
first time that
a few years and i
drove home and i’m like
all right this matters
even though it was horrible i was like this matters
this someday
i will look back on tonight and know that i
learned fucking something here
oh man but it was
you never want to come back yeah you do
those gigs and you’re just like wow like this
doesn’t even feel like show business it feels like
i did a thing with this guy
scott papper curie
he used to book the mana poisit
in this little tiny shithole
but it was a
great little room
where i got to see
teddy bergeron by the way
who was a fucking
genius yes one of the best
comics ever
one of the best
comics ever
had one of the best tonight
show sets of all time did you ever
see his tonight show set
fucking genius
and another guy were you like how
could this guy not be in everybody’s
you know mind as one of the greatest
comics ever yeah
and this guy
scott pepe cura
book to gig for he and i on
block island
and block island
is like an island outside of rhode island i think
and there’s
nothing there it’s just
drunk retarded fishermen
and they are dumb as fuck and they’re so
drunk they are
all of them there’s
maybe 20 people in the room
all of them are so
drunk they can’t even keep
their eyes open
their mouths are sliding like what’s
going on here
and we have to do comedy for them
and scott gets up and
starts shitting all over them and he was
not really you know he hadn’t been doing comedy that
long then really probably shouldn’t have been on stage
in this sort of a situation anyway
and i went on
after them and they had already turned
their backs to the comedy show like half of them
they turned
their backs and just
started a conversation
and we had to stay in
it wasn’t in a hotel room it was in a supply room
they had two cots in a
supply room
with no shower
there was a bathroom
you know we could take like you know
a horse bath yeah a horse bath
and you know we stayed in this little fucking
supply room
until we could catch the boat back the next day oh man
i did so many of those little one i mean
colleges where there’s no
site i got a gig
i know at the time yeah at the time you’re like all
right i get a gig i’m making
fifty bucks or whatever it was but oh man
brutal bangor
maine i did a bunch up there yeah
i did a bunch for norm lafoe he had all
these gigs in western massachusetts
way out there where you had to
drive 40 miles an hour because deer would jump in
front of your fucking car every five minutes
you had to be careful that you didn’t die
like you get to these certain gates yeah
these berkshire shows yeah
especially western mass
out near amherst
i remember there was a lot of two lane roads
where you would see dead deer all over the
place right
fucking wrecked cars yeah
i nailed one one
night did you yeah
yeah just his ass had just gotten past me and i did the
thing where i gunned it i’m like i wanted to swerve
the voice was like coming
and i fucking hit him and
i watched him spin off into the woods
did you can die
from that a lot of people have died from hitting like
especially if you hit a fucking
moose yeah if you hit a
moose you might be dead that’s the
way to go through the windshield and
crush your fucking
spine yeah right
i had a dream that mike goldberg guy i work with in the
ufc got killed by a grizzly bear
and it was a very
graphic movie
in my head like a very
graphic dream
where it was very realistic
right and i woke up like
literally woke up like whoa
like he was
with his wife and his kids and they were in a river
and a fucking
grizzly bear came running through the bank of the river
jumped into the
water and just fucked him up in
front of everybody jesus
yeah very strange
so mike goldberg if you’re listening but yeah
don’t go camping don’t go in the river
yeah stay the fuck away do you
think that’s the future of
that’s like 30 years from now that’s what fucking
sports gonna be it’s gonna be
literally be like a guy oh yeah
mixed martial arts verse
some kind of hybrid dna government
experiments like half fucking cougar
the only reason why there’s not
sword fights on tv is
cause no one’s put
sword fights on tv
if they were people
would love to
watch that two guys with samurai
swords trying to hack each
other’s fucking heads on i
think we’re
gonna produce our very
first show together joe
i love it the lions
versus the christians i mean
those people
weren’t much different than us today
how is that different
than ghettogaggers com how is that different than
some of the shit that you watch like
those mexican drug dealers
cutting that guy’s head off with a
small knife have you seen that video
you see the
suicide jump yeah
off the fucking overhead
just explodes
yeah his head it blows up like a coconut
that yeah kid
awful you can’t unsee that
stuff but you
should know that it’s out there
you know when you see someone really fucking
shifty when you go to 7 eleven you
should know this guy
might pull out a gun he
might commit
suicide yeah
who the fuck knows i mean
you know you’ve
seen so much fucked up shit on the internet i think
to a certain extent
it influences people’s behavior
and it makes people a little bit more fucked up than
maybe they could be because they have all this nutty
stuff that they have access to
but on the other side you
should be more
aware of what is possible
you might be a good person who’s
always around nice people you’re a mormon or something
and so you think everybody’s
mellow and predictable
and then all of a
sudden you’re around some fucking
gang banger and you don’t know what the fuck this is
right you don’t know what the
rules are you don’t know what game he’s playing yeah
and you know what most people don’t realize in
those situations you have no
you better fight your fucking ass off
when you see people
going along with it
that’s when you’re like
this is gonna be bad right
i saw a guy get
knocked out he
looked like he did
these thugs just
found him coming out of a
looks like a convenience store
they knocked him out
knocked him out
unconscious the guy falls
bangs his head off the concrete out cold
arms up in the air stiff
and the dude
starts pissing on his face
dude pulls a dick and pissed on it just decided to
knock this guy out out of nowhere
like you need
to know that there’s people like that out there
but that’s real
shit i mean you can be paranoid and fucking
you know and
start dwelling on them
and get all
second amendment
right but how do
you get to know that person they have a facebook page
hey i’m into
knocking people out
then my wrap up is
my tag is i piss on you just
it was hard
to watch follow
me on twitter it was hard to watch
cause you see the dude
half conscious
and the piss is hitting his face and just moving
that could be you it
could be anybody anybody somebody decides to just
steal on you’re in the wrong
place at the wrong time
and some guy who you
never saw come and decides to
punch you in the face and
piss on your
unconscious body
and on that note
ladies and gentlemen
i think that’s the end of this fucking podcast
i’m glad you came over
again we’re sponsored by the flashlight
flashlight com
you and i have had our differences over the year but
i always respected your ability to
market yourself and
i always respected your ambition i
think sometimes when people are ambitious
things don’t necessarily work out the way they
should be but
i know you’re a good dude
and i know that you’re always working on
your act i see it all the time i know you’re doing the
right things and i
hear your interviews and i know you’re in a good place
with your mind and i
think that’s important man
and i think it’s also important that
at a certain
stage in your life you have to
recognize when you’ve had differences with somebody and
it’s not that i don’t like you as a person
you know just differences
and i’m glad that we put all that shit past and
oh man that means the
world hearing that from me joe
you know you get a lot of
integrity and i’ve always had a lot of respect for you
which is part of the reason that
there was for me on my side
when anybody ever came to me with anything it was like
i have really nothing to say
about it and i hope that time will just
eventually figure that out so i
appreciate that good to be hearing your show will do it
again yeah dude for sure for sure and i think
stuff like this
like i said is perfect for a guy like you
so people really
get a chance to see who you really are true no bullshit
i don’t think anybody
who was thrust into your condition
is gonna come out of it without some
scrapes i mean you thrust yourself into
really like a
a stratosphere
like that very few
human beings ever have to
navigate comedy
low and you did it
yeah you did it over a very
short period of time
i think people need to respect that i
think you did an awesome job
thanks and you got through it and you’re doing all the
right shit and i
enjoyed how you did that isolated incident
i was telling people like i love how you did it all
in one take and you
did it all like with one
camera like
right on the
stand you could tell there was no edits to it
like that was
really cool that was like a cool creative choice
you know so i
think you’re doing some awesome
shit oh thanks man
thank you keep
up the good work keep it good luck
with your writing let me get that program by the way
yeah write room
folks who are into it i
think it only works for the mac but i know that there’s
a version of it for the pc as well that does the
exact same thing
and it’s just
for all you creative types who are easily distracted
and if you’re
also easily distracted and you have a hard time writing
pick up this book called the war of art
i think it’s stephen
pressfield is the guy rody ever
heard of it no
fucking incredible
war of art i bought a
bunch of them and i give them out to people
yeah i think i
might have one
i’ll give one to you it’s an amazing book and it’s all
about how you
can overcome resistance and
focus your mind for writing
really really brilliant book
i need that
everybody does read
the book man but
he was talking he talks
about it in the book me here’s a guy who really
didn’t become
successful as a writer
until he was in his 40s
and he recognizes his own
errors and what his own
bad patterns of thought and
he sort of addresses
all of them that all creative types have in this thing
cool anyway
ladies and gentlemen
twitter com
slash dane cook
twitter com
redband i’m joe rogan
thanks for tuning in you guys and
we will see you next week love you bitches