♪ The Simpsons ♪
-(chalk screeches)
-(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
-(tires screech)
-(horn honking)
(tires screech)
-(tires screech)
-BART: Yeah. Oh, yeah?
-LISA: Yeah. Yeah!
-Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
-LISA: Yeah!
-Hey, what’s the problem here?
We were fighting over
which one of us loves you more.
You were? (sniffles)
Aw, well, go ahead.
-You love him more.
-No, you do.
-No, I don’t. No, I don’t.
-Yes, you do!
Look, you better get this all
out of your system right now!
I don’t want you embarrassing
me at my boss’s picnic.
Mmm. Marshmallow.
I’m trying to get at least
some of the unfortunate noises
out of my system
while I can, Marge.
I don’t want to embarrass
myself at the company picnic.
(disgruntled groan)
Are you sure that’s enough?
You know how the boss loves
your delicious gelatin desserts.
Oh, Homer, Mr. Burns just said
he liked it… once.
That’s the only time he’s
ever spoken to me
without using the word
There it is, kids!
Stately Burns Manor.
Heaven on Earth.
Okay, now look, my boss
is gonna be at this picnic.
I want you to show your father
some love and/or respect.
-Tough choice.
-I’m thinking respect.
Good to see you.
Glad you could make it.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Burns,
I’m so glad you invited us.
Not me. I had to miss
little league for this.
Quiet, Tom.
Oh, please,
please don’t fight.
Just go out back
and have a good time.
Fire that man,
I don’t want him
or his unpleasant family
to ruin my picnic.
He’ll be gone
by the tug-of-war, sir.
-HOMER: Uh, afternoon, Mr. Burns.
Hi. Hello, there,
uh– uh–
-Simpson, Homer.
-Here you go, sir.
Ah! Oh, yes.
Uh, oh, and this must be
your lovely wife, Marge.
Oh, and look at little,
uh, Lisa.
Why, she’s growing
like a weed.
-And this must be, uh, Brat.
Don’t correct the man, Brat.
Oh, boss, look what we brought,
gelatin desserts.
Oh, for the love of Peter.
That’s all anybody brought.
Some damn fool went around
telling everyone
I love that slimy goop.
Well, toss it in the pile
over there.
And… make yourselves
at home.
Hear that, Dad?
You can lie around in your
underwear and scratch yourself.
-Now, you listen to me!
-BART: Whoa!
-Trouble, Simpson?
-No. (chuckles)
Just congratulating the son on
a fine joke about his old man.
(playful chatter)
Now remember,
as far as anyone knows,
we’re a nice,
normal family.
Hey, Bart, last one in
the fountain’s a rotten egg!
D’oh! Be normal!
Be normal!
What an adorable little girl.
Thank you.
Why don’t we dump them
in the nursery
and get a glass of punch?
Oh, I’m not much
of a drinker.
Hey, isn’t that your boy there
torturing the swans?
(Marge groans)
Maybe I will take you up
on that punch.
MARGE: Gee, do you think
we should leave the kids unsupervised?
You’re right.
-Bart! Lisa! (mumbles)
-Where are you kids? Oh!
-Got ya!
-Whoa, careful, Dad.
Blow a gasket,
you lose your job.
SMITHERS: Now hear this:
The father/son sack race
will begin in five minutes
on the north lawn.
Participation is mandatory.
Repeat, mandatory.
That is all.
You remember the rules
from last year?
Yeah. Shut my mouth,
and let your boss win.
WOMAN: I don’t know
who to love more:
my son, Joshua, who’s captain
of the football team;
or my daughter, Amber, who got
the lead in the school play.
Usually, I use their grades
as a tiebreaker,
but they both got
straight A’s this term, so…
-what’s a mother to do?
Well, I sense greatness
in my family.
Your family?
Well, it’s a greatness
that others can’t see,
but it’s there.
And if it’s not
true greatness we have,
we’re at least average.
I don’t want
to alarm anyone,
but I think there’s
a little al-key-hol in this punch.
-Mr. Burns, are you ready?
-Are you set?
-(whispering) Go, Mr. Burns.
(all cheering)
Man, this is pathetic.
I’m goin’ for it!
Bart, no!
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, no, wait.
Oh, no. Bart, don’t.
Don’t. No!
(all laughing, cheering)
Close one this year.
(sinister laugh)
♪ Here we sit enjoying
the shade ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Hey, brother,
pour on the wine ♪
♪ Drink the drink that
I have made ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Hey, brother,
pour on the wine ♪
♪ He’s here at last
my one and only ♪
♪ Good-bye friends
And don’t be lonely ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Hey, brother,
pour on the wine ♪♪
-Marge, I need you!
-Hey, Homie!
Did you try the punch?
Snap out of it,
You’ve gotta come with me.
The boss is going to make a toast.
Well, I’m not much
of a drinker.
Why, you picked a perfect
time to start. You…
♪♪ (“For He’s A Jolly
Good Fellow” off key)
MR. BURNS: Musicians,
cease that infernal tootling.
“Thank you all…
uh, for coming.”
-Marge, knock it off.
-(scoffs) Well, I’m sorry.
-I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
“But now it’s time
to say good-bye.
Please, get off my property
until next year.”
I suggest you don’t dawdle.
The hounds will be released
in ten minutes.
Did you have
a good time, son?
Yeah, thanks, Pop.
Aw, that’s the kind of
family unity I like to see.
-Yes, sir?
Get that man’s name.
I predict big things for him
down at the power plant.
Quick, Bart,
give me a kiss.
Kiss you?
But, Dad, I’m your kid.
Bart, please?
Five bucks for a kiss.
I have never seen
such an obvious attempt
to curry my favor.
Fabulous observation, sir.
Just fabulous.
(Marge humming)
Boy, I’m glad
that’s over.
Now we can go home
and act normal again.
-What do you mean?
-Aw, come on.
That cornball routine.
“I love you, Daddy.”
Give me a break.
-I pity you.
-After you.
-Well, thank you so much.
-Me first! No, me. Me. Me.
-No, me. No, me. Me. Me.
Honey, you look so tired.
Would you like me to drive?
Oh, Homie, I think
I’m going to be sick.
♪ There was a farmer
had a dog ♪
♪ And Bingo
was his name, oh ♪
♪ B-i-n-g-o
B-i-n-g-o ♪
♪ B-i-n-g-o and Bingo
was his name, oh ♪♪
Homie, get in the car.
-This is where you belong.
-Yeah, Homer.
Room for one more.
ALL (chanting):
One of us. One of us.
One of us. One of us.
(all laughing sinisterly)
♪ B-i-n-g-o
B-i-n-g-o ♪
-♪ B-i-n-g-o ♪♪
-MAN: The father of the family
has worked all day
to find this food
for his children.
Unable to fend
for themselves,
the baby bald eaglets
are dependant on
their mother
regurgitating the food
which she has found.
-ALL: Hey!
-Look, everybody.
Yesterday was
a real eye-opener.
We’ve got to do better
as a family.
So tonight, we’re not going
to shovel food in our mouths
while we stare at the TV.
We’re going to eat
at the dining room table
like a normal family.
-Happy, Dad?
Commence shoveling.
No. We’re going
to say grace first.
Okay. Rub-a-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub.
Ignore the boy, Lord.
Now, can the chatter,
and bow your heads.
(clears throat)
Dear Lord, thank you
for this microwave bounty,
even though
we don’t deserve it.
I mean, our kids are
uncontrollable hellions.
Pardon my French,
but they act like savages.
Did you see them
at the picnic?
Oh, of course you did.
You’re everywhere.
You’re “omnivorous.”
O Lord, why did you
smite me with this family?
-ALL: Amen!
-Let’s eat.
No, I’m not done yet!
But Homer, how long are we
supposed to sit here
and listen to you bad-mouth
us to the man upstairs?
I’m sorry, Marge,
but sometimes I think we’re
the worst family in town.
Maybe we should move
to a larger community.
-Don’t have a cow, Dad.
The sad truth is,
all families are like us.
You think so, huh?
Well, there’s only one way
to find out. Follow me.
Look at that, kids.
No fighting. No yelling.
LISA: No belching.
The dad has his shirt on.
MARGE: Look, napkins!
These people
are obviously freaks.
Oh, you think so?
Well, let’s see
what’s behind door number two.
LISA: What are they doing?
They’re having a conversation.
They actually enjoy
talking to each other.
I wish I could hear
what they’re saying.
Papa, I believe I heard
some rustling in the bushes.
Hmm. I did too.
Better get the gun.
Where’s he going?
Probably to get the old man
his pipe and slippers.
-(gun cocking)
-(all yelling)
-(all screaming)
(all sighing)
Whoa, look at this place.
What a dump!
It’s worse than you think.
I just trampled
this poor sap’s flower bed.
-Homer, this is our house.
-Are you coming in, Homer?
-No, no.
(sighs) I wanna be alone
with my thought.
(door closes)
MAN: Fans are getting just
a little bit anxious here.
Another beer, Moe.
What’s a matter, Homer?
Bloodiest fight of the year.
You’re sitting there like
a thirsty bump on a log.
-Evening, Moe.
-Want some pretzels?
-(chuckles) No, thanks. We’re on duty.
A couple beers
would be nice, though.
MOE: That’ll be
two bucks, boys.
Just kidding.
Good one, Moe.
Listen, we’re looking for
a family of Peeping Toms
who’s been terrorizing
the neighborhood.
Quiet, boy. Let the nice people
enjoy their beers.
Ah, don’t worry.
This dog has the scent.
Hey. What’s gotten into Bobo?
I got some wieners
in my pocket.
That figures.
Come on, you stupid dog.
You know, Moe,
my mom once said something
that really stuck with me.
She said, “Homer,
you’re a big disappointment.”
And God bless her soul,
she was really on to something.
Don’t blame yourself, Homer.
You got dealt a bad hand.
You got crummy little kids
that nobody can control.
You can’t talk that way
about my kids!
Or at least two of them.
-Why, you got two I haven’t met?
-Why you–
Here’s five you haven’t met.
MAN: A tremendous right.
That’s just gotta hurt.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this fight is over!
(all cheering)
“All-Star Boxing”
is brought to you by…
Dr. Marvin Monroe’s
Family Therapy Center.
Huh? What?
WOMAN: Honey, aren’t you
going to work today?
Oh, I don’t think so.
Honey, you have a problem,
and it won’t get better
till you admit it.
I admit this: You better
shut your big yap.
-Oh, you shut up.
-No, you shut up!
No, you shut up!
-Shut up!
-Shut up!
Why don’t you both shut up?
Hi, friends.
I’m Dr. Marvin Monroe.
Does this scene
look familiar?
If so, I can help.
No gimmicks. No pills.
No fad diets.
Just family bliss,
or double your money back.
So call today.
MAN: Dr. Marvin Monroe’s
Family Therapy Center.
Why don’t you call
right now?
When will I learn?
The answer
to life’s problems
aren’t at the bottom
of a bottle.
(chuckling) They’re on TV!
(touch tones)
All right,
time for a family meeting.
Why can’t we have a meeting
when you’re watching TV?
Now look,
you know and I know
this family needs help,
professional help.
So I’ve made us an appointment
with Dr. Marvin Monroe.
The fat guy on TV?
You’re sending us to doctor who
advertises on pro wrestling?
Boxing, Lisa, boxing.
There’s a world of difference.
Gee, Homer, are you sure
this is the right thing to do?
Honey, I’ve given
this matter a lot of study,
and of all the commercials
I saw, his was the best.
All it costs is $250.
We don’t have
that kind of money.
Well, then, we’re just
going to have to dig deep.
Marge, go get
the kids’ college fund.
-Oh, Homer.
-Oh, come on, Marge.
Why scrimp now
on the off-chance
that they’ll actually
get in some place?
Forty-nine. Fifty.
Eighty-eight dollars
and fifty cents.
That’s it?
That’s the college fund
we’ve been saving for
all these years?
I guess I’d have needed
a partial scholarship.
Well, we’re not licked yet.
To save this family,
we’re going to have to make
the supreme sacrifice.
LISA: No, Dad.
Please, don’t pawn the TV.
Oh, come on, Dad,
anything but that.
Homer, couldn’t we pawn
my engagement ring instead?
Now, I appreciate that, honey,
but we need $150 here!
Afternoon, Simpson.
So what can I do for ya?
Would you pay $150
for this lovely Motorola?
Is it cable ready?
Ready as she’ll ever be.
Mister, you got
yourself a deal.
♪♪ (Muzak)
MARGE: All our money,
the college funds, the TV.
Homer, you’re driving a stake
through the hearts
of those who love you.
Hey, no pain, no gain.
Will you be paying
by cash or check?
Cash, of course. I’ve got
$250 right here with me.
I’m holding it right now.
Here it is. Look.
Check it out,
250 big ones.
If you really want to
impress her,
show her the big, empty space
where our TV used to be.
-MAN: Come on, family.
Let’s go celebrate
our newfound ability
to express love
for each other.
I’m taking you out for
frosty chocolate milkshakes.
KIDS: Yay!
(sighs) There go my young-girl
dreams of Vassar.
I’m Dr. Marvin Monroe.
No doubt you recognize me
from TV.
-We would if we had one.
No, no, Homer,
don’t stifle the youngster.
Your family must feel free
to express itself.
That’s what these pads
and jumbo markers are for.
I want you to draw for me
your fears, your anxieties,
the roots of your
Now, take a deep,
cleansing breath.
(inhaling, exhaling)
And begin.
-HOMER: (humming)
-DR. MONROE: Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.
No surprises here.
-(humming continues)
Homer, what have you
got for us?
(humming continues)
-Oops, sorry.
I wasn’t paying attention.
Well, if you had been
paying attention,
perhaps you would have noticed
that your family sees you
as a rather stern
authority figure,
an ogre, if you will.
Now, Doctor, that’s not true.
Ogre is such a strong word.
Right on, Doc!
Another successful diagnosis.
-That does it!
(chuckles) Okay,
you wanna kill each other.
That’s good.
That’s healthy.
There’s nothing necessarily
wrong with hostile conflict.
All I ask is that you use
my patented aggression
therapy mallets.
-Good idea.
-All right.
I don’t know.
Okay. Let’s take another
deep, cleansing breath.
(all grunting)
Wait a minute.
These mallet things are
padded with foam rubber.
What’s the point?
They’d work much better
without the padding, Doc.
-No, no. That’s not true.
-Ah! Give me that.
Yes, well, that concludes
this portion of our treatment.
-Are we cured yet?
-(scoffs) Don’t be ridiculous.
You will be cured,
but it’s going to require
somewhat more
unorthodox methods.
-Unortho what?
-Don’t worry.
I’ll have plenty of time
to explain while I warm up the…
electric generator.
Everyone comfy?
(chuckles) Good.
Now, don’t touch any of
those buttons in front of you
for a very important reason,
i.e., you are wired into
the rest of your family.
You have the ability
to shock them,
and they have
the ability to shock–
-(electronic buzz)
Just testing.
-Why you– Aw.
-No, Homer, not yet.
You see, this is what is known
as aversion therapy.
When someone
hurts you emotionally,
you will hurt them
And gradually you will learn
not to hurt each other at all.
And won’t that be
wonderful, Homer?
Oh, yes, Doctor.
Bart, how could you shock
your little sister?
My finger slipped.
So did mine.
-Bart, Lisa, stop that.
(screaming, buzzing continue)
No, no. Now, wait a minute.
Wait! Wait!
Folks, if I could–
This is not the way
to get healthy!
(buzzing, screaming continue)
No! You’ve got
to understand something!
-♪♪ (music distorts)
-People, please!
-(all screaming)
SMITHERS: Boy. Someone’s really
gobbling up the juice, sir.
Excellent. Excellent.
Perhaps this energy conservation
fad is as dead as the dodo.
-(screaming, buzzing continue)
-DR. MONROE: No, no!
Dr. Monroe, your other patients
have fled the building.
Stop! Stop!
You’re damaging
the equipment.
(electronic sizzle, hum)
Hey. Nice hair, Mom.
Gee, I thought we were
making real progress.
No, I’m sorry, you’re not!
you’ve just got to go.
Wait a minute, Doc.
Your TV commercial said,
“Family bliss
or double our money back.”
Oh, but that was just–
All right.
Get the money.
20, 40, 60, 80, 100.
20, 40, 60, 80, 200.
20, 40, 60, 80, 300.
20, 40, 60, 80, 400.
20, 40, 60, 80, 500.
Just go, and never tell
anyone you were here!
Wow, 500 smackers.
Homer, how wonderful,
our first pleasant surprise.
It’s not the money, as much as
the feeling that we earned it.
You did it, Dad.
Excuse me, dear.
Shouldn’t we be heading
down to the pawn shop
to get our TV back?
That piece of junk?
Forget it.
We’re gonna get a new TV.
Twenty-one inch screen,
realistic flesh tones
and a little cart
so we can wheel it into
the dining room on holidays.
BOTH: Yay!
Oh, Homer, we love you.