the joe rogan experience
all right you guys ready let’s do it i’m nervous
don’t be nervous hit it all right
it’s better
down there
dance battle
that song is so much better when you’re high
i love how it
starts off really dirty
gnarly guitar
fuck that’s a good song
now that’s one of those songs that when you
smoke a giant
and then you listen to it you really appreciate it
that song just talks to you
that was pretty sweet first time i ever heard it yeah
you know i’ve been thinking about that lately about
music i’ve been listening to music before i go on
stage i didn’t used to do that
but i’ve been doing that lately and
right right
after i started doing that i watched this special
this like this thing with cat williams
where he’s talking about he has like a whole playlist
that he listens to
right before he goes out i’m here with
steve reynolds easy ladies and gentlemen
old school comedy store veteran i know road dog
my friend steve red is easy from
back in the nineties
maybe perhaps when did i meet you now two thousand
one something two because i moved here in a one
shazam son old
school time we got history
we do run as easy as a bad
motherfucker you can see him on the fx show the league
in the second season i believe we’re in our
second season shazam son that’s when things get ruling
let’s hope you got that
money coming in dog i see dvd sales in your future
yeah i yeah
i would love
to a lot of people like it man a lot of people on my
my message board were talking
about it i have not had a chance to see it but i’m
gonna check it out now it’s a
funny show it’s good and i’m
psyched to be able to you know what’s it about
it’s about five guys that grew up
together and they play in this fantasy football league
every year but
basically they just try to humiliate
and cast shame upon each other
but it’s the guys that do
kirby enthusiasm so there’s no
script it’s all just
kind of like here’s what’s happening
three dudes talking
go oh that’s awesome so the
first take sucks
you know it’s
like a half hour we’re all talking on top of each
other right
right it’s fucking
unusable and then we got
oh but what you said was
funny there and then we just tighten it up
it’s fun it’s like that
kind it’s that that’s the new shit
that’s what everybody’s trying to do or that’s what
look like right
because it’s like
you’re funny i’m funny
i understand what you
wrote down word for word it’s probably
funny cause that guy’s
somewhere online was
funny but we’re
gonna come up with funnier shit
sometimes just give me the
situation and we’ll fuck you know sometimes it’s both
right sometimes
it’s just the ad libbing and sometimes it’s the writing
yeah it’s it’s
nice to have both you know when we did news
radio they let us ad lib
a lot they did
but that’s good so they gave you like a
here’s what we think
where we want you to go but if you also
think of something funnier
say it yeah but the way that
kirby enthusiasm does it and the way i
guess you guys are doing it too that way is
i think the best way to
watch because when you
watch it it
seems like it’s really happening yeah because
and it’s so
we’re on an fx and they you know
don’t have the biggest
budget in the
world so it’s like
literally dudes with cameras on their
shoulders so they don’t they just
they’re so good that they move with us so if you’re
talking and then they’ll just move the camera to me and
it’s really fun to work i mean we do long
days what kind of
restrictions do you have like language wise and
literally on
cable you can say whatever the fuck you want
just what are people
gonna be willing to give advertising
money to yeah
so we get away with dicks and fucks you’ll
never be on the
like what they do they
put on your back so
i’ll say fuck but the
camera will be behind me oh that’s interesting
so they don’t really go
who said that you don’t actually see the you know the
mouth moving
just i don’t i
guess that’s the fucking line
american like wait i think i
heard something because i didn’t see it
i don’t even know
what happened
silly is that
literally the rules isn’t
that incredible and then coke will be like no we’ll put
money now we’ll give you money
dude it’s two thousand and ten
and that’s still
going on dude
mike and molly
which i’m sure i don’t know but it’s like
about fat people
and they just it’s a new show and
see that’s a
new half hour
it’s a new half hour sitcom it’s
literally the
whole premise i
think is like fat people like each other too
and it’s like the number one new show
like it’s people of course
love it well bill
garde was a very
funny comic
i’m sure he is
you’ve never
seen him and i
know i’ve never seen to
stand up but i work with on samantha who
with melissa mccarthy the girl that plays i guess his
girlfriend and she’s
super funny too
but i think that’s the
whole thing it’s just like you
could just want
just wanna see someone like them
that’s it there’s a
lot of fat people in this country man you don’t realise
until you leave and you go somewhere
else look at
look at charlie sheen
look at charlie she like
literally they
how do you do the shit he does
which is fucking great i’m
let him do whatever he wants to
but then the guy for people who don’t
know why we’re talking charlie sheen just got busted
again again with another hooker
before he was wearing masks and shit
he’s so addicted to hookers he’s
gotta wear like
mustache his
ex wife and his kids were in like
two rooms down
like he brought them to new york for the
first time so they were out seeing mary poppins the
night before
and then he’s staying in another room
and just getting hookers he took them all to dinner
like with the hooker beforehand it’s like
a gorgeous restaurant
he just can’t like how do you not like one
night you’re like look my kids are down the hallway
let’s just get through this one
night the charlie
sheen life story
movie is gonna be awesome and then
hope robert downey junior plays charlie
the only one that
could pull it off
he’s got both sides he’s got
a good actor i’m sober i can get my shit together
right but plus i know
what this fucking guy went through they’re both nuts
but he asked for a
raise dude and
he got it oh my god that’s the craziest shit in the
world like to be like i just fucking got busted again
but now i want one
point five million an episode god
damn that’s a lot of
money dude that’s insanity
that’s what do they do
twenty five a year at
least right
maybe more twenty
two twenty five
maybe more education
big hit show sometimes they do more
at fear factors
peak we were doing
thirty four years oh my god
yeah yeah sitcoms
get like that too if it’s a big sitcom
they just pop more out
cause america
likes it yeah like the dark days of newsradia we knew
that we were in
trouble when we were getting like nineteen eighteen
yeah you know it
would start
cutting the
order a little
bit yeah if you don’t if you’re not getting as many
if you if they go if you have like 32
yeah give you an
order for like 25 or something that you
know you’re fucked yeah
you’re like
fucking start updating my
lb gun what’s up
brian what are you doing a
flesh like oh yeah that’s
right we’re
sponsor we’re sponsored by the
flashlight oh really you ever fucked one of
these things no dude but
bobby lee bought one this one no
one is fuck
it’s amazing this one no one is fuck so you can
touch it really yeah
put your finger in it’s like
these out of it
just feel how
life like it feels huh
dude is that crazy
that’s trademark
here’s another
2010 thing this is fucking controversial people have
given shit people have
given me shit
about supporting this
what about having this uh it’s
a with on the
podcast something something scientific
inside this
could prevent you from
doing other
things what’s the difference between this in your hand
i mean besides this feels
fucking amazing
except you’re
admitting you’re
absolutely admitting
that not only have you used it are you
going to use it you’re paying to use it
you know it’s like
dude i will
fuck this right now
if you guys just
turn your heads for fucking ten minutes i
would fuck got a little bit up
first if you’re
gonna do that amazing
yeah dude they’re awesome man
they’re way better than beating off way
better way better i can’t wait sometimes i’m so lazy
okay then i’m sitting in my office and that
thing is over here on the
couch or one that i
would use yeah and i just beat off instead
cause i’m too lazy to get out of my
chair yeah just
sit over there i’ve been in
hotel rooms before
where you know like you your computers like
gonna die so you go plug it into the desk
right and then i’m like
fuck it i’ll just beat off
at the desk rather and go back over to the bed be like
you know you pull you like
you can’t wait that extra
three minutes to get enough
juice to fucking go back
over to the bed so i’m like i’ll just fucking be and
there’s like a window
right there beat off sessions in
hotel rooms are so clinical
like if it’s over it’s like yeah
yep just like there’s
no one there to see it there’s no one that you hide
it from i’ve done yeah i’ve surgical almost i forgotten
towels before you know the
towel you bring in the little one
and i just rolled over on the fucking sheets
i’m just like
cause this is not my my i’m not
cleaning this
this is someone else’s fucking responsibility horrible
horrible mess yeah
i’m fond of the
gator all myself
fuck it what do i do
shit everywhere i
wanna sleep
i wake up i take a shower when i give a fuck if they
black my fucking
hotel room it would glow
in the dark
they’ve done they’ve done shows they did one of
those inside
additions i
think it was one of those
you know exposed
tv shows and they went into a
hotel rooms
it was just like someone got shot with a shotgun in
every corner of the room did you hear
the audio like dear god
they were a little shocked
especially the
comforter was
covered with shit and calm
oh my god there was shit
and calm on the comforter
you gotta think people are
dirty man they take a shit they don’t wipe
their ass that good and they sit
naked on the comforter you know then you
drop a cookie on that comforter and you’re eating it
what do you think they
clean that comforter do they
clean it once a week even
no shit they’re not
cleaning every
night that’s a goddamn
sure expensive
yeah and that
thing’s gross that
thing has got
other people’s
walls and no matter
how lows you
stay at it i
throw my loads on the wall remember yeah he
throws his loads on the wall when
he gets the
hotel yeah just because i feel like hey i could
throw my come anywhere in this room and not have to
clean it up
never heard that no dude oh
dude that’s
so sad do you know fun feel for that poor lady
when she walks in that room and
she knows that hey
that’s someone’s mom
is i think all
i think all
women love come
get the fuck out of here they all love old lady
from guatemala who walked here okay she is not
happy to clean your come off a wall guy i
would be great
if you walk into a
hotel room time and as a lady just licking the
willy wonka is fucking
yourself just
now they’re
just finger blasting
someone out
there someone
if i just thought of it someone’s done
it before someone’s must have fucked like a hot maid
in a hotel favorman
did i know that
for a fact yeah they really got a
classic story
i can’t even do it justice
but he came in
as a savage he
was beating off and i
think that she
knocked and you
know most people
would go now i’m good but
he’s like come on in
and she walked in
and i guess she was into
it and she just sat there or fucked him or whatever
they got involved with each
other was great but like a filthy
filthy like low rent fucking
yeah that’s taking a chance me talking
about not knowing somebody before you fuck up trust me
i mean just like
and that’s not my
first time she’s done
this oh yeah
or not at all holy shit you don’t pick favorite
men to be your
first parents
maybe you do
maybe he had the
right formula he
maybe had the
right amount of swagger the
right amount of
in the moment
right amount of confidence
favor him is a savage
he really is i wish i
yeah i could i can’t do the
story justice so i won’t tell the whole
thing but that’s the gist of it
he fucked the fucking
cleaning lady
favor man is an odd
comic he’s one of those odd guys like an
angry dude yeah
you know you like man you know this guy
doesn’t seem to have that comic personality
you know like
you know a lot of comics like seem like probably been
bullied when they were younger
faberman does not seem like a guy
bullied no no he’s
adopted i think that’s where it comes from
yeah his parents
adopted him so i
think he’s always
kind of been like i don’t really know what’s
going on but i’m just i’m the fucking funny guy
right i’m also
cool you know
he’s a good
dude he’s fun
to hang out with too he really is did you ever see
those videos
where it’s a guy that’s
filming himself
whacking off while
maids come into his
hotel room he
films himself
whacking off
yeah like he waits there so his dick is in perfect
view of the bed and he puts a camcorder behind him
and it’s just a
collection of
videos of women
going oh like
yeah and it’s
funny because you look at the
style of each
maid it’s completely different like ones
completely scared
ones like i’ve seen this a million times
you know ones just like kinds of looks at it for a
while like hmm how many
like a whole
i think it’s like 15
maybe holy shit yeah this
guy just beat off in
front of me it’s a guy
could go to jail for that you know that’s like a salt
would it be
great if this same
lady came in like at the end she’s like what
again really like he’s like oh
what are the chances
yeah they don’t ever show his face it’s
great it’s always like just dick in the mid
front of the camera door
what if the guy had like a distinguishing mold on his
wrist or something like that you
could tell that it was
definitely him yeah
if that’s true man that guy
could go to jail
totally can’t be just beating off no
man that’s illegal
i’m pretty sure isn’t it
funny that you
could someone
could open the door and you
could be rubbing
your neck and no one has a problem with it
no but you can rub your nipples and even they
would go well that’s kind of
weird yeah but we
allowed to do that yeah
but if you rub your dick that’s like a salt
going to jail
going to fucking jail
i got walked in on in
vancouver i was in vancouver and
i was naked
my hotel room eating breakfast uh huh
just sitting down
no this fucking
chick just knock
knock opens the door
right away really no
time for the no time
stood up i go i’m naked
and she just shut the door
slammed it’s
only runs out of there
but i was like what the fuck man i’m
like right there bam fuck
you don’t just
knock and open the door that’s douchey
yeah we give someone a chance to respond
why not just open the fucking door
yeah come on hooker it’s ten o’clock in the morning
you don’t know what’s
going on in here
you can’t just do that that’s
crazy no you know
i know you’re in a
hurry to get home what the fuck yeah
these rooms i mean
there’s always
gonna be more to clean
i’m gonna fuck it up
again do you need tips
for me i do depends i have yeah
no it depends on like
there are sometimes i
check in hotels i put that do not disturb sign on
for days me too
and then i’m like
now i feel awful
you know i’m saying then you
leave a big tip then i
leave a fucking gigantic tip because
what’s the most you’ve ever left a hundred bucks i
feel horrible
it’s been horrible
dude like trays of different foods that i don’t
bring outside
like one of
those week trips where
like i’m here from wednesday to monday
right this is gonna get
dirty that’s cool though too isn’t it isn’t it
kind of a cool feeling to
leave a hundred
bucks for the maid
when you know the maze
gonna come in there and she’s gonna
check she’s
gonna go holy shit a hundred
bucks cool yeah
can i tell you a
quick story me you and him
went to dinner one night
at a fucking
where the place across
from the colony
store at the 24 hour the
standard a stand diner
yeah so we had dinner or whatever that was the
night we saw rampage jackson in a fur coat
yeah that’s
right with three
chicks yeah with
three chicks came walking out with
no shirt in
a fur coat and i didn’t know who he was but
he knew you he
said hey what’s up and he walks away
he has sunglasses on dude it wasn’t
it was like four in the morning suck out of a goddamn
movie you couldn’t have
fucking you you couldn’t have
script i put that on television
did you record
yeah i put that on i was doing the show
inside the ufc uh huh and
i when i interviewed him i said i want everybody this i
found this is at
three o’clock in the morning
hollywood really him and he’s
got two girls with them
and he’s got sunglasses on a fur
coat i’m like who the fuck is this pimp
and i go oh quit
i thought you had to be like some rapper or
something no we didn’t say and correct me if i’m
wrong then you say
i had a baby last
night didn’t like one of his
one of the girls he was with had a baby the previous
night i swear i remember
that i don’t remember that
no i don’t know i i
think i just
added i really don’t fucking
story that’s a problem with
older stories man my memories and i
start adding
shit into it you don’t even realize you add shit into
it or you subtract shit that was embarrassing to you
you know and
then somebody else reminds you and you go oh yeah
no you know what i just remember that i have to talk
about that i just remembered
my friend johnny
i used to have a friend who was this crazy
professional pool hustler
and he had a
girlfriend who was a pool player too
and most girls
would play pool or nuts
uh huh 90 of them yeah and
90 of all girls are nuts 90
of all guys are nuts too
we’re all crazy anyway
this the girl used to
she used to fake
seizures like
she she wanted attention so bad she was so crazy
do you have
proof that she did this
fucking for sure she faked it
fake to see you
should fake it
she would like
fake falling down oh my god yeah so that everybody
be like what’s
wrong what’s
wrong and so my
friend johnny
knew that she
was doing this so he’d look at me and go like this
like like he knew he goes
i guess she had a
seizure huh
well i gotta
see if i can wake her up
see if i can wake her up look
and he starts
smacking her in the face oh just a
little too hard just a little harder than you should be
going come on
honey i hope you’re okay here
i hope you’re okay
this fucking heavy new york accent and she’s like
flinching and we’re taking
me seizuring
honey come on you okay don’t make me call
i guess we gotta call nine one one
so she she stays with this
they call nine one one
the fucking paramedics come okay uh huh
paramedics come she’s
huddled up in a corner by the pool table
and they look at her and they go this
bitch isn’t having a coma
she’s not having a
seizure she’s crazy what are you doing what’s going on
what’s and she’s like um what
and they go what what happened the
check in your eyes
like she’s fine nothing happened what’s going on here
um nothing i just i don’t know what happened i
think i had a seizure you didn’t have a seizure
oh i don’t know
and then what how do you start lying when you start
outside they go do so i follow them i go i
gotta gotta hear what
these guys gonna say yeah it’s fucking cunt is fake it
means while they there
okay they’re emt guys were there there ambulance guys
but as soon as they step out that pool
they’re just dudes yeah like this fucking cunt is fake
i can’t believe this shit
what a crazy bitch they get in the car just drive off
that’s the last
thing i hear is the driver to shaking his head
what a fucking crazy bitch
dude how many guys get just have to settle for that
cause they just
you have to get laid
so what are you
gonna do yeah you’re
gonna have nothing if you hold
out too long and this is all i can get all i get is
crazy girls okay
my nose is too big my feet are too small
i got a stomach i can’t get rid of this
like yet okay i need something this is like
a scenario for me shit
this fucking crazy
bitch is faking
seizures how do you
smash your head in the ground and do you swallow
don’t you swallow your tongue during a seizure
well some people do yeah
it’s very dangerous you know
i’ve seen people
seizure before i saw a
woman seizure on a plane once
that was the
trippiest because
it was post nine eleven and no one knew how to handle
like any sort of
a situation
and this lady was in in the
chair behind us like i
heard noise
first like i
heard like okay
okay okay what okay what how do
what do we do here what’s
going on and so i take my headphones on
and i turn around and
while i’m turn around this
woman is just oh
it’s like she’s gonna turn into the exorcist
i’m watching her i’m like what if she
becomes a werewolf right here
you’re trapped on a plane
with this fucking chicken or closer shoes
and some dude in the back going really crazy red eyes
and she starts slaughtering the whole
plane on a plane
yeah the only person she doesn’t slaughter is the
pilot because she can’t get in
she can’t get past the door so the
plane lands
they open up the hatches
from the outside it’s just a werewolf and bodies
everywhere blood just pours out of the
plane he just he ate everybody on the
plane dude when everyone
starts blaming al qaeda werewolf
that’s a good idea
jackson call him up yeah
we’ll get marky mark to produce it
brody stevens will be the announcer on the news brody
enjoy ever thought it
would happen
it’s on a plane
you don’t get it i’m real
leather exterior cruise control in reverse
for you to who
the people in who are not in southern
california do not know the pleasure that is
watching brodie stevens do stand up comedy
it really is a joy he’s fucking awesome he’s so unusual
and and and unique
like his comedy
style is so like if you saw on a paper you go what’s so
funny about this is not funny at all yeah
but you see him and you can’t stop repeating it
he could say the same joke a hundred times in a row i
still enjoy it every fucking cadence
it’s brilliant
i find if i go on after him sometimes like i will like
it start to get
like are you just trying to
slide into that
what who are you looking at
it’s not gonna be future my voice are you
judging me don’t you dare judge me
voice in the darkness yes
yes yes i was a model
in pakistan
i did on the cover of camel beat
i fought in the iraqi
war and sure i was an iraqi soldier but that’s not the
point it’s so
funny because he recently
co hosted the adam corolla podcast and
every single message on the
thing was like
this is the
worst this guy sucks i hate this guy i’m turning it off
and it’s so amazing how the
learning curve for brody
is sharp because when i
first met brody
i was at the man show and he
would like open up the audience before the man show
and i remember being from ohio not living in
california and he was like a nazi driver with clapping
like i felt like i had to clap so much he’s real
and like me and my friends that were with us like
i don’t wanna clap anymore but he’s yelling at us
you know so my first
impressions of brodie was like this guy is so angry
yeah it takes a
while to understand what brody’s really all
about it’s great
i’ve been in like
crazy situations with him
i’ve been five
yeah we’ve like
cause you know
he’s plays baseball so we were on the roof of the palms
he was doing best damn
sports show in
vegas and i happen to be getting there
so we’re on the roof of the palms
throwing with this
picture and
cause he was had an
elbow surgery so we’re
going back and forth brody and i with the
with this guy
danny nagle
and the guy
throws me the i make him
throw the ball and like he goes like two feet to his
right and brody goes
don’t embarrass me
throw it he’s a
major leaguer
throw it to his
chest and the guy’s like
it’s okay it’s not a big deal
don’t embarrass
i brought you into the
inner circle here
don’t show me up and for him that’s very serious too
do that that’s a fucking serious
picture i think if you
gave me the option to give it all up tomorrow comedy
everything and just you
could be a minorly baseball player he
would pack it all in
yeah i think you would have
given it all up how
close was he to be a new he
went to arizona
state he went
on a scholarship
like he was very good
he was like a division one baseball player he’s a
pitcher right
pitcher but then i
think he had like
elbow surgery and then it just
never really recovered him
that was probably like
early mid to
early 90s and they didn’t have like the same kind of
they didn’t have the good shit that
they have now yeah then they fix you back then you’re
still jacked
yeah you were
still like i don’t know
this this may not work out
yeah like if
they did acl’s back then i have a friend who
he was on the us ski team and he had like some
ungodly number of knee
surgeries really more than 11
i think he had like 16 i
think there was 16 knee
surgeries all told he actually has
metal parts in his knee now where
his calcium or his
cartilage rather had
rotted away
and chewed up so much
that they had to
cover it with
stainless steel
so now it’s
stainless steel over stainless
steel so it
doesn’t touch bone on bone anymore it touches
steel on steel yeah it’s incredible i
think that’s the
roughest one on your knees
the skiing yeah well
back down the knees
he was in the ski team in the 80s
and so the operations they did on your knees then were
ungodly both of his legs
look like he was a fish like they just opened him up
jesus you have you have acls
right both both both replaced
but all modern style
like everything works
great yeah it’s no problem at all
monkey wise
did they give you no
they take you monkey
don’t they do
that now they
take cadavers they don’t take they can’t take it from
other animals oh really
yeah they can’t do anything from
other animals didn’t they
transplant a pig
heart though or they
tried i thought they were doing that the
valve or is it a
valve or something like that like a
valve yeah pigs
apparently are very similar
biologically to people
but yeah they
this one is
with a piece of a dead guy
to cadaver oh really yeah
basically the cadaver
just for one i
understand access scaffolding
and this this cadaver
when it’s put in
place all the other
tissue grows around it
and then eventually that
tissue forms its own
its own ligament in
place of it
is that a donor
thing yeah it’s a donor thing so
you mark donor
they can take whatever they want
yeah yeah they
could take it you
could get it’s good
yeah they take an achilles tendon
because it’s a bigger
thicker tendon
they rebuild
it it’s actually better than the original name
but like with
with with like
pictures and shit like that when
those guys blow
their elbows out blow their
shoulders out
fuck man that’s such a
horrible movement
that movement of
throwing a ball really fast yeah
it really rips your shit
apart yeah it’s horrible
which is why it’s incredible when you
think about nolan ryan
the fact that old dude was
pitching like till he was like
fucking and
he probably
he was ninety percent not on steroids or something like
that they didn’t have like barbecue yeah
texas barbecue that’s what he was on
yeah this is dude
david wells who’s like
six foot five two hundred ninety pounds
and he just
threw till 42
just had like a rubber arm
big fat lefty
never in shape through a perfect game
never in shape like that guy
would not he
could be like a cop
like he’d be the cop on the
subway they just like post them up in the subway
where it’s like he
doesn’t have to run that much
just fucking
put him on the
subway just
blocked just make sure nobody
smokes pot in this car
particularly don’t have to go to
other fucking cars just
stay in this one
that’s what this guy was like
that’s hilarious yeah there’s a lot
of fat dudes like that to play baseball it’s kind of
funny when you stop and think
about it like that’s one
sport where you
could just have a gut
yeah you can
literally have that golf
just a fat guy
there’s a guy who
fights in the
ufc his name is roy nelson i saw
the what was it the the show he was on he came in like
second yeah
he win won i won
the ultimate
fighter he’s got a
tremendous gut
an epic gut
what’s the matter
but he used it
right just mad
internet problems
are we all beyond
uh it’s recording to itunes
don’t worry
about it but uh
what did you just
disconnect you
streams going in and out so is it really yeah so
i’ve been trying to fix it the
whole time tried
everything on this end
so it must be internet and
oh but it’s recording on itunes
right now don’t
worry about it
yeah but is it back on youtube
or is it off and
checking right now
hmm it keeps on going
keeps on disconnecting and going on and off so
is there anything
running though
is there anything running on
any of your computers that’s like
streaming stuff no no no
streaming man we have a
my my internet’s up dude
okay it’s back on right now like
it’s been going back on and off so
okay yeah we got i got sorry
ladies and gentlemen do you have to listen to this
we got some problems with cable
i think i think cable might suck
cable internet
how do you like that at amp
t universe you use i really do i mean
it’s a little
touchy here and there once in a
while like if you use the hdmi
cables and you have everything set up high tech lee
right it fucks up a lot
and like it’s crazy fuck somehow
well see the thing that they’re having
right now they’re having a lot of
sound issues with the u stream so like
it’s either like a couple seconds off with you
stream i’m sorry not used to you verse you verse
it’s like a couple
seconds off like the lip syncing couple
seconds yeah there’s problems like that
and they’re fixed
right now they’ve it’s
since they opened up or whatever they have
had the same problem
their fix right now is just to downgrade your
audio to just like regular
you know yellow white
what and i’m like alright you have like this high tech
digital thing and
cable has no problems like this
you have this high tech
thing but you want me to go
audio left channel
right channel really yeah they want you to
downgrade your
audio so that it syncs up that’s
their fix to their
audio issues
using hdmi or optical
oh well fucked up yeah you’re
ridiculous i mean
but i mean it’s not every
day like once a
once a week or something like that you’ll be like ugh
it’s a second off all
right i’m in bed i don’t give a shit you know
really yeah that drives me nuts man
i can’t watch interviews
where they’re talking and it’s a
second off it
literally makes me blow a fuse
i can’t watch it i can’t i can’t focus on anything else
yeah i’m like how do i know
that this is even what he’s really saying dude i’ve
done that in
porn you ever do that in porn
where you’re on
like x and x x and like the
sound will be
three seconds off and i’m like
wait she just
mouthed that i know like i can’t
i gotta turn it off yeah turn off the volume now
right i don’t need volume
i don’t need to hear what you i
i need to hear
yeah yeah i
could probably
if i could see
just see and jerk off i
would probably last longer than if i just
heard and jerked off really yeah
so you’re one of
those dudes who
would call like a
phone sex line
i don’t maybe i don’t
know i’ve never done it
all in nine hundred i
think i’m just
probably just would never
fucking ever do that i probably
like with the with
technology now maybe if i was if this was like
seventy five
i’d be like i’m yeah i’m
gonna call one of those fucking numbers i call
those numbers
when i was a kid really yeah i was like sixteen or
seventeen cause i was
still living at home
and i called one of
those numbers and i was beating off
while i called
and right whenever when she answered
when she was like yes may i help you
i just came all over myself
i was like so nervous that i was doing this i felt so
dirty and stupid and
weird yeah you were just calling and i’m like how my
how you do this i don’t even know what i do
cost money where’s the
money go to is it gonna get
built to your
house right
i don’t know
oh my god well
just what up what up
fucking creepy thing
beating off on the phone
calling somebody up
yeah who’s gonna say
nasty shit to you so you
could beat off on the phone
remember marilyn martinez
used to do that yeah
which is hilarious
marilyn god
bless her soul i know was a very
funny woman but
it’s the best way to put this um
she’s very uh
very large yeah and she’s a bigger woman yeah
bigger woman
you would you would
you know hope that the
woman on the
other end did not look like yeah yeah you
would you would say to yourself
yeah just it was my
yeah wasn’t what
yeah what i was hearing
and she was good at it too she
would tell you what she’d say oh yeah
it’s a dirty shit filthy dude
that mexican accent with damn
dirty shit like there’s nothing that you can say or
think that like tell her to say that she hasn’t like
wouldn’t be like all
right i’ll say that that’s no problem
you’re not gonna offend her
yeah she was
she was one of
those old school comedy
store veterans as well she was always i know
always at that place
what a fucking strange
place that is
that’s one of
those places man
where you know
you get away from it for a few years like i’ve been
and he just step back and
look at it go what a strange ass fucking club that is
but you know what though it’s i don’t
know how you feel but i just feel like no matter what
i probably wouldn’t be who or
where i am right now if it wasn’t for that place
you would be
you’d be no matter
where you went on you
think so yeah
i mean sure that
place is interesting
because i think that
place kind of
builds a different muscle that a lot of
other i see
other comics that don’t have it
well it’s not necessarily all good because
a lot of it is
like there’s an
anger to the
type of comedy
store comedy
you know that’s
sometimes not necessary
but a lot of its there because you’re dealing with all
these idiots in the audience you know
there’s no crowd control in that
place no i’ve
never worked it
major name club
like that before that has no manager in the back who’s
quieting people and keeping everybody
calm there’s nothing
going on there yeah the inmates
run the asylum oh my god but they don’t
even anymore it used to be that they did but now they
try to actually manage it and there’s
people who make decisions and tell the
comics what to do and now it gets bizarre
and another you
know ari’s been told many times to
clean up his act yeah
yeah and he can’t go on
after certain people or before certain before
certain people yeah
yeah no it’s
changed i mean i feel
like i still love the
place and i go there
um they treat me really well
i just you know
there’s a new
generation there
i feel like one of the
older guys now
well i’ve seen that happen you know when i
first came there in nineteen ninety four
it wasn’t what i thought it was
gonna be when i
first came there i
heard about the
comic stars like to me it was
mecca was like that was like when i was in boston you
would always hear
about you know richard pryor
performed at the comedy
store in la that was the
place where everybody went
so for me it was like
important to get a tv show and
everything i was like wow this is
crazy i’m on tv but what was really important
means like wow i’m a paid regular at the comedy
store now yeah and
i get to go there all the time this is like the club
when i went there to like
james stevens the
third singing and fucking
you know i’d see like
a bunch of shit that was like just really sub
are horrible horrible
comics that have just
should have
you know stopped
a long time ago and this is the only club that they
still perform at i
work the cover
booth before you
started doing this normal saturday
nights and dude the lineup for 20
bucks was like
lamer le boga
a nonchalani
amy ashton and you will and
people would come up to me like an
hour to the show
yeah sunset boulevard
people come to me
after you like
can i have my
twenty dollar like
you’ve robbed me like you give me my
twenty dollars back
and i couldn’t
look him in the eye because i knew that it was horrific
horrific there’s no
other club like that in the
whole city in the
whole country
if you went to catch
in new york
back in the day you know you won on a friday
night lineup you
know in the heyday
of comedy new york you
would see all
these great guys you’d see
david tell you see all
these guys coming up and doing sets
in the comedy
store in like
especially like in the late nineties
yeah there was like
it was dark
man you know yeah it was dark there was some
bad times you know there wasn’t a lot of like good
talent there
and that’s when
man sees her coming up and that’s when
eddie griffin
eddie griffin had
already done an hbo special he’s already pretty popular
really popular amongst
black people
and then before he really
completely went insane to he was like
i never yeah
that sucks i
never cause i
heard from a
lot of people that when that guy wanted to turn it on
like there was a switch you
never saw i
never got to see that did i’ve
never seen him
be like good
night my name is
eddie griffin good
night dude i’ve it’s always been just
people walking out and in four or five 10 hour sets
where you’re like fuck
why did i never get that shit
what y’all don’t know okay
is that there’s gold at the bottom of the
world trade
center towers
and that the
trains was running all night dude
me and ari are in the back
row one time i
swear to god there’s
about four people in the audience
and he goes like this he goes
you don’t think the government was part of 9 11
pentagon penta
nine nine eleven nobody says a fucking word i turn are
are you gonna
raise your hand or am i
tell this fucking guy
that penta means fucking five what is
wrong with this guy
like nobody says and then he tagged it with a dick
and it was like that was it people go
crazy i was like already suck my dick
but i heard him fuck a
chick one time in the main room bathroom dude he
crushed this girl
that was like
my only way of ever seeing him kill like fucking
he destroyed this fucking girl
what happened
me ari and freddy soto listen to this dude
fuck this girl oh fuck
her oh dude he fucked her
she fucking was crying dude and he
would be oh
bitch just fucking
killing this girl’s pussy for
about i don’t know
twenty minutes
and i’m like
that’s the closest i’ll ever get to him was
when i first
started coming
there he was he
would have sets
every now and then he
would have sets
would come in and really just get it together
and you you you saw like what the potential was he
he could have been
like an all time great
yeah been for real all time
great you ever see his hbo
set yeah whoa
i don’t know how it holds up
today i haven’t
watched it in a long time
uh huh but i remember
watching it
going goddamn this fucking dudes got
talent oh really he was powerful
yeah it’s like he was doing like
whatever was like ten minutes or something like that
and just went out mad been half an hour my okay
hbo half hour
i’m not sure what he did
but i remember the set i remember him just destroying
really i remember like
almost being like like you know like taking a back yeah
that’s out there that’s different
this is another level yeah
yeah he was man he
could have been
but he was like the shining star of that club back then
it was fucking dark man those are dark days
yeah it was it
was you know
it was him and carlos
and dice and it’s just
weird when you you realize what it’s what you
think it is when you’re living in boston
you’re gonna get there it’s gonna be this perfect
place where it’s all
about the art and
he’s gonna be all these incredible
comics and everyone’s
gonna grow and learn from each other
you get there and people are singing on
stage and just
stupid shit
with you know that they’ve been doing for like
twenty years the same set and like wow
this is so weird man
cause of strange
loyalties that go way back
fucking packs with
you know if we all make it we’ll help each
other out there’s like i
heard so many stories remember
harris yeah
told me the
story about him and letterman you know
that’s all i
would ever say
those guys said they were
gonna come and get me yeah
like literally like strange packs that’s why i like
people you know like argus is there all at nine fifteen
just like weird deals with
with with who is
more better than harris
i don’t know anyone i know one i’m sure
never met any
i never met a guy
that hate like hated
everything like he
would be like oh how is
billy crystal
the one of the
worst human beings i’ve ever
met in my life
but i’ll tell you what
that guy would give you a compliment
you know i would
throw people out of the comedy
store whenever i
throw people up
i would buy everyone in the
crowd a shot
that’s amazing i
would i remember that
now thousands of dollars yeah i remember that you like
you feel like it got all
right it got
weird in here we all
realize it’s weird
why don’t we fucking just chill out
everyone let’s
do a shot and then fucking we’ll move on and we’ll have
this together yeah
yeah friendship this
doesn’t have to happen
i’m like this is only
happening cause there’s douchebags in the
world that’s not happening
cause i wanna be
angry at somebody
like we should
be having a good time here you know even if we don’t
agree with each
other we could
we should be
enjoying our company we
should be having fun
when someone’s yelling at you and someone
heckling yeah
throws it off for
everything i just
can’t shit it’s just you’re an asshole
period if you don’t like something if i’m at
a show that i don’t
enjoy i’ll just leave
get up and leave yeah
i mean there’s no problem
with getting up and leaving so i
totally understand it but by coming in the door
and paying money or
whether you paid
money you didn’t pay
money you’re
basically saying okay i’m
along with all
these other people
to watch what we’re making in
agreement and yeah and we’re
gonna be sit here we’re gonna
watch it and either we’re gonna
enjoy it or not
enjoy but we’ll do it as a
group and if you don’t if you
wanna separate yourself from the
group then fucking get out and leave
yeah without having to be like i’m going to
speak for the rest of us
by saying i
don’t like this it’s like well then you are not
speaking for all of us
speak for yourself by getting up
quietly and fucking leaving yeah i think
i mean there’s that i mean
it’s whatever it is it’s always
that the person wants to be the center of attention
it’s always that
no one yells something out
unless they’re trying to get a
bunch of people around them to
laugh or they want to disrupt the show they
want to do something that calls attention to themselves
undue attention
so they’re always disbalanced
well where it came from
the harris pete
story this is the
connection was that
harris never said a good
thing to me ever
you know but i
would buy the
whole crowd like a shot and he goes
tell you what i’ve been here for
thirty years
i’ve never saw anybody do that before not
prior not kennison
it was a classy move ha ha ha
and that’s it
but he didn’t even look me in the eye when he saw so
so reluctant okay fine
yeah you’re a
classy man general
just bitterness
man no one no one he hated
everything yeah but that
place man you had to deal with so many douchebags
there were so many assholes in the audience
know that like i know
you say like
oh there’s all these
videos of you dealing with hecklers
like why are you so good at dealing with hecklers like
you have to be
if you want to work at the comedy store
you have to
learn how to deal with hecklers because
first of all
you’re dealing with a very specific kind of heckle
this is a big percentage of the heckles
not all of them
but a good percentage
of them are the failed actor heckle yeah yeah
there’s a lot of dudes that really
wanted to come out here and make a fucking splash
fucking happen
dreams are dashed
against the rocks and they’re
drunk and you’re on stage and
there’s some real bitterness to that
that’s a confrontational
asshole heckle that you get at the comedy store
where you don’t get anywhere else now if you’re if
steven is easy from the league is fucking in pittsburgh
they’re gonna go
holy shit that guy i love your show
right yeah right now
in hollywood they look at you like who’s fucking
me yeah exactly this guy pulled the
right number
yeah who the fuck are you well you got your
lucky and you’re special
it’s the worst dude
what are you doing bro
switching cable
switching we
disconnected from the internet
again it keeps on
disconnect but it was on for me bro yeah but it’s been
giving me errors and closing down you
stream saying
errors connecting the server and
stuff like that
see i keep on getting
disconnected from the server
all right let’s just stop playing with it
it is what it is okay
for the itunes it’ll be perfect
maybe it’ll make us have more
itunes downloads
okay it’s on
i get obsessed with my itunes number do you really no
you don’t care
i do give a fuck a little bit are you
enjoying cause i’ve i’ve i’ve
watched like ten i was telling
brian are you
enjoying doing it looks like
you’re having
fun yeah we
enjoy it it’s yeah it’s
it’s you know it’s so easy you just
you just set up
smoke a joint
and you talk
about some shit yeah
i mean come on how many conversations
in the back
alley of the comedy
store that back parking lot how many
great great conversations
then unbelievable
those were on tape forget it
be classics yeah with some
classic times that’s one of the reasons why i hide
brian in the
first place
to just to get all the
stuff all that stuff like
fun conversations
would always take place
i mean it’s like when you get a chance to hang out with
you know other comedians i mean how
often do you get a chance to just hang out just having
those kind of
nights where shit
would just kind of
all happen around the same time and it
would be like one
thing leads into another and this
thing happens
fucking incredible
that was one
thing about that
place it was like a magnet for freaks
it was a magnum
like a homing bean that they
would just shoot out
remember that hooker
yeah hooker came back and just told us her
whole deal she goes on
craigslist and puts on pads and
remember that
whole thing
on camera she’s telling us the
whole story yeah
remember remember that
crazy girl that got mad at you for
checking your
phone to see what time it was oh yeah
yeah we made a
video that too yeah she gets so
angry somebody called
me and i was talking to her and i looked at my phone
and all of a
sudden she started
freaking out at me because i looked at my
phone what yeah
like i looked because i was
wrong like i don’t even know you this
could be my mom yeah you know
like what the fuck most important person in my life
i suppose to you i just met fucking
four minutes ago
you’re very nice but this shit
might be important
can you imagine
if during that time what you guys are talking about
like iphone 4s were available all the
videos that people
would have in
their pocket back then
so much it’s pretty
crazy to think that that was just a few years ago
right the whole landscape is
radically changed it’s been like what
four years and
and now you can literally
videotape an hour and a half conversation in hd
and and twitter it
yeah hundreds of thousands of people
in minutes yeah what the fuck that’s the craziest
thing ever and it’s only the beginning it’s
going everywhere too like when i went to see dean
or dekimmel
everybody had
their iphone fours h
threes everyone
recording hd quality
video now front row
and immediately uploading it to youtube it’s totally
changed yeah
when i go on
stage now i’ll see 20 30
phones up yeah
i see it all
the time can you imagine that shit like during led
zeppelin’s god
you know or
the doors even or
the you know
that would have been insane
see some jimi hendrix live
you know phil hartman used to tell me a story
about when phil was a kid when he
first came to hollywood he was working as like
an assistant you
know at concerts
and i think it was at the roxy i
think he said the roxy
and jimi hendrix was on
stage and he had to keep his hands on a
speaker to keep it keep it from getting
knocked over into the crowd
so that was his job to
stand there on the
speaker like a
key with his hands up like this
while jimi hendrix was playing on stage
four feet in
front of him
he just got to watch
yeah amazing huge huge
huge fan so for him he was like he just like he’s like
standing in
front of god
and jimmy handles
well fucking
that’s crazy
nobody was jamming like that if you get
pulled out this time machine and just
videotape this fuck
that’s what happens now you want to talk
about a guy who like
literally like reinvented the way
music sounded
like a jimi
hendrix songs like voodoo
child yeah nothing
fuck ever played guitar like that before no no one
made so distinctively his like the star spangled banner
nobody can nobody does that like him
even when they do it
it sounds like a
tribe yeah it
sounds like you’re trying to like
sound cool with your guitar
you know what i mean
like he had a way of playing that didn’t
sound like he
was trying to be cool with his guitar it was like
it was like raw energy coming out of he didn’t know
what was next yeah exactly
didn’t know what’s what he’s
gonna play the next yeah he
wasn’t trying to show you
how badass he
is with the guitar he was letting all this
badass shit flow through him it was very genuine
you know there’s
like a lot of guys that are like really good
like i know people
get into them and they like you boy this guy can shred
you know they play a
steve vi cd like duty fucking shreds
nothing for me does nothing yeah
i can’t listen to it it’s like i
understand that it’s a technically
you know he’s
really good at it moving his fingers extremely
fast yeah this guitar
thing but it
doesn’t do shit for me yeah
but you would listen to like
voodoo child
you know just the beginning
yeah it’s beginning
it’s something pure
about it man
you can tell when someone nails it
you can tell when someone really hits that pure vein
you know where it’s like
whatever the fuck
is coming out of them there’s no pretense to it at all
you know that’s one of the
things you know
going back to the comic
store that was great
about that club is
those late night sets
where there was like fucking six people in the office
magic magic man how much
crazy shit did we see diaz
you remember diaz
taking off his
shirt i don’t know if you were there
this night it was in the main room there was
maybe five six people in the audience and the
comics okay okay then
maybe not even five maybe four
okay four people
i believe it was two couples and then and then
comics uh huh
and joey goes on
stage and has war pig plan
ozzy osborn
he takes his fucking
shirt off okay and he’s what
three fifty
three seventy five
three hundred
seventy five
pounds with his
shirt off and
belting out the
lyrics in tune to war pig
and everyone’s going nuts
people are fucking
arms up in the air comics are
screaming yes yes i mean
he just nailed it you know it
was just he was in the groove
where he didn’t
give a fuck i know he just purely didn’t give a fuck
those sets and they
could happen
on a they were like
it was a fairly regular basis
one out of every
three would be like so you had to see all
of them because you didn’t want to miss that fucking
thirty three percent
where was just like
dude you fucking
yes last night
how we doing
finger thing but the only good like
the fucking little
and but there was only like
and they were
quick they were
12 minutes like he
power fucked you for
12 minutes because then
after that it was like
i’m literally
running out
fucking like
energy slash mental capacity
to fucking keep this up all
right good night the diaz
would leave a void
to when he would
crush like that on
stage maybe they
have a hole that the
next guy that poor fuck no matter what he did he’s not
gonna fill that hole
when i first
started watching
you i was like because i saw diaz before i saw you
and then when
i saw you i’m like this guy’s
going after diaz what fucking balls
and you would do it
on a regular
basis and i was like that’s how fucking you get really
because how the fuck like
what kind of energy
no matter what you say is not
going to be
as filthy as what he just said in the way he said it
and when he
fucking lit it up you were like this is fucking
tough to fucking go on
after but that’s the way to do it
that’s why i take joey on the road with me he’s coming
weird in austin
texas next week
he does a half an hour and destroys
and he brings me up it’s great
that’s the way to do it now i know
it’s the way to do it for two reasons one
because it makes me
laugh cause nobody makes me
laugh like him he’s so
crazy just with the shit that he says is so
ridiculous he’s so over the top you talk
about someone who really like what you were talking
about hendrix
like has no idea what’s coming out of his mouth no
or how he’s
gonna say it or even what
topic he’s gonna talk
about but you know it’s
gonna be inside of him
it’s coming from fucking his soul yeah he’s a savage
he’s a real
savage yeah
i would talk
about it on
stage but these are all true
things that he
doesn’t know how old he is
joey’s i watched him tape a cd the
other day he recorded a cd
oh really yeah yeah yeah he’s
gonna do another one that didn’t work out that good but
there was a lot of really
funny shit on it though but one of the
things that was hilarious is his age
he’s like guys i’m
forty years old i’m
forty years old guys
and then like
twenty minutes
later i’m forty five years old guys
he did literally
doesn’t know how fucking old he is i mean
it changes with the tide
if you ask him how old are you i’m
forty four forty four
forty five forty six
forty seven
what the fuck cocksucker
what’s with the questions
where’s the reefer bitch
what do you give a fuck how old i am
what are you the irs you wearing a wire
he’s like who’s
afraid of virginia wolf he just believes whatever
age he is at that fucking time
like no we have a baby i
don’t know i
don’t know how old he is but i do know that
until like 2000 and like
one or two or whatever it was
whenever he
moved in with
terry uh huh
you never knew
where the fuck that guy was no he had a pager
he didn’t even have a cell
phone he had a pager
and if he lost that pager he fucking vanished man
in what he didn’t have a
dress he was
sleeping on people’s couches so
where the fuck was joe
diaz nobody knew
where nobody
was just straight up
guesswork cryptic
but yeah but probably i
would love to you know
be around at that time
yes be on the fucking road with him
dude he’s the inside of him
goddamn classic
what wait wait
that didn’t come out
right bro i’d love to be inside of him fuck
that got creepy oh
yeah i know
would you imagine if you
could be joe
ideas for a day
you imagine
just fucking
wake up in the morning
just look in the mirror
like oh shit i’m joey diaz
did we go cocksucker here we go
i make the most
out of this
okay great movie but you’re not in
control you joey’s it’s joey’s
brain running
the fucking show you just got like being john malkovich
eyes like you just coming out of them like
where are we
going right now a good premise for a
movie if you had a guy who was like a fitness freak
and his friend or his brother was joey diaz
and so the guy who was the fitness freak
somehow another through some fucking
miracle of science
says listen i’m trying to convince you that if you
could be me for a day if you
could use my body for a day uh huh
um you would
understand how important it is
to to have physical fitness yeah throw
so through some
weird science fucking
ridiculous shit that no one
would ever believe
they get to swap bodies
but joey won’t give the body back fuck you cocksucker
you stupid asshole i got your body now bitch
i’m staying in this fucking
thing i got this personality and this body god damn
you know and then the poor guy is now he’s
got the mind of a meathead
get this fat body and no personality
and he can’t get laid and he
discovers that his personality sucks
more than joey’s
body sucks that’s it that’s the fucking
that’s the movie
touching part of the end
the end he blows his
brains out in the
swimming pool
that’s what he does
shotgun in the
mouth in a swimming pool
yeah we the
just the blood
going on to the
water yeah credits
to black son
so i was saying that i keep getting
these before that i keep getting
these fucking
invitations to these
like festivals
these two thousand twelve
it’s all over festivals
these 2012 you know like we know what’s
gonna happen
things where the seminars
where people are going to
speak on the
great changes ahead
like there’s a
there’s a lot of nutty
motherfuckers out there that are like really
truly predicting
that the world is
gonna end in two thousand
twelve like they really do believe
where where do they get this
where where they
where’s their
stuff coming from
well there’s a
bunch of different
schools you know there’s the mayan
calendar school
the mayan calendar is that they
december 21st
2012 is the end of the long
count so it’s supposed to be some new
age and it’s all
open to interpretation
who knows what the
the minds were saying by the end of an
age or a new
age coming who knows whether or not it means anything
to the people it
might be something
that means something to the planet yeah
who the fuck knows
so there’s those people and then
there’s the so
there’s people that have misinterpreted that and they
think that it’s some sort of a doomsday calendar
and then there’s the terrence mckenna
crowd who think that
2012 is gonna be some
crazy new technological
innovation like a fucking
warp between this
world and another or something
crazy some inventions
but everybody’s
banking on this
being like happening
real soon you know
oh god it’s like such a common
thing and they have
these meetings and they sit down they
speak about it
and everyone talks
about you know
sustainable farming
and being prepared to
start your own currency
and you know and have
they want a
small group of people they want to meet
with you in private to talk or they want you to talk
yeah there’s some of these something your
thing would be like look i kind of don’t know if you’re
what it is but i don’t know if you’re
right either so yeah that’s the answer
the answer is no one knows what the fuck is
going on like what are you talking
about yeah just
these mayans couldn’t even predict their own demise
okay the mayans disappeared a thousand years ago
so what what good are all those
stupid calendars if they didn’t even know that they
would go extinct
i mean there’s like scattered it’s all
gonna be over in two thousand
twelve we’re not gonna be here
we’re gonna gone a long time before that but
you know you guys look out for yourselves be careful
we don’t want you see you get hurt
they really want you to go though
i get these invitations these things are hilarious
i i would go and just start making fun of everybody
anybody with yoga beads fuck you
fuck you and your yoga beads and your crystals
are you wearing a crystal
with a leather thing around your neck hmm
nice what does that mean it’s actually hemp rope i’m a
vegan oh my god
it’s hemp dude living in colorado
that whole vegan thing seems so
ridiculous when a mountain lion eats your dog
when i was living in colorado
i lived you know i moved to colorado yeah yeah yeah
a mountain lion
ate my dog oh no yeah i saw the mountain line before
the dog i saw we saw a
bunch of shit i saw a lot of deer i saw
turkeys i saw
you see animals one bear
ate this guy’s car
ate this guy’s
car excuse me
in the neighborhood a bear got into this guy’s car
and you think well if you
leave food in your car then the bear is
going to eat the food no the bear eats the car
they don’t know what seats are they don’t know if
leather’s edible they don’t
know what a dashboard is made out of and they just eat
everything he
ate everything he
ate the car just took
chunks out of the dashboard
it was like like
like someone just went in with a
giant claw hammer just started
moving around
the whole inside of the car
every wire steering
wheel just tore it
apart tore seats apart
they’re so fucking strong
anybody living in that sort of environment and
the real nature between animals and men like
you wouldn’t eat those
you really want to keep those
these fucking
crazy things
around you want you want bears to eat your car yeah
so they have to get one when they when that happens
they have to capture that bear or kill it do they have
to oh they have to kill yeah once they
start coming around and
eating garbage they have two options capture to kill it
went to a zoo there and we saw
these fucking big
crazy ass grizzly bears
and those were bears that they had to capture they just
started eating people’s garbage you know
like yellowstone or someplace like that
they started eating
people’s garbage and then once they get used to it they
understand that
there’s always
gonna be a food source here
you can’t get rid of them
and so you have this fucking
nine hundred thousand
pound fucking wild
animal that will eat you it will eat you oh yeah for
sure people
they eat people all the time
just they have to
they have to either
be in danger
or they think
their children are in danger so they’ll attack you
or they’ve eaten a person before and they know how
easy it is they know yeah
yeah there’s no
fight i mean it’s not like you know people are so
stupid about that
whole animals eating people
thinking well
they don’t they don’t eat people normally don’t eat
people that’s because we’re not out there normally
yeah if we were out there they’d be eating us
you know wolves used to eat people man i mean
that’s all real shit when they were around
before we got guns and shit yeah
we were talking
about this in the podcast
as a woman recently was killed
i believe it was in alaska 19 year old
woman was killed by a fucking pack of wolves
a nineteen year old
woman i know a nineteen year old
woman was killed in canada
from coyotes coyotes killed her
i’ll just google
it so i don’t give anybody disinformation
but it was she’s out
hiking or something like that
yeah she was running the
woman was killed by
wolves i believe she was jogging
is my internet down brian
i think mine is too
fucking cunty time water
you suck my
dick you dumb fucks
i think this is
destined for itunes
yeah i get no
alright um anyway
wolves are dangerous
bears dangerous course eat animals they’re delicious i
bring my son now to the to the zoo
cause i i i
haven’t been to zoom in forever and i
we literally will stare he’ll
stare and i’ll be staring at a fucking giraffe and i go
what is that
crazy horse body
just gigantic
like gigantic neck and then a
horse head on top like just some
he he look at me i’m
like i don’t know what the fuck that is i don’t know
how to explain that fucking thing
have you ever done
those some ones like in the san
diego zoo where you get on that
truck yeah come up
yeah yeah that’s
i went on that one that did fascinating yeah they come
right up to me eat
right out of your hand
it’s an alien
i mean it could easily be on star wars if it didn’t
exist of course
the fuck man
do we give up on the
your internets just down straight itunes
are only do you have any kind of
boxes no don’t
worry about that
right now i won’t
worry about it
later there’s obviously some sort of an
issue okay we’ll have to
clean it up
you stream but yeah
great though
all animals man
all of them are a trip we’re just used to them
if you know kangaroos didn’t
exist and all
sudden a kangaroo
was there to be like what the fuck is that
thing yeah imagine if like a kangaroo didn’t
exist you never saw one of the news
and then all
sudden you saw one in your yard and
bouncing around
you’d be like okay yeah i do acid and i forget
about it my own
is just fucking
what is this what is
this wonderland yeah
this is is it real
they’re fucking real
especially at crocodiles and shit
when i lived in florida i
lived near a
place called lake alice
we lived in gainesville my dad was going to
school there and
this lake alice you
could feed crocodiles or not crocodiles
rather alligators crocodiles are way more dangerous
than alligators yeah they’re way more
aggressive and so
these alligators
would be out there and people
would be throwing
marshmallows and the alligators
would come up and eat the
just walk right up
throw they’re
right there dude
right there
i mean they were like
right they just
said one day
i’m sick of
marshmallows what does that taste like
game over yeah
over dude it’s
crazy because
there’s always a sign saying not to not to eat
not to feed them
not to pet them not to get
close to them they are dangerous animals
but yet they’re there they’re
right there
and everyone seems to be okay with it
florida alligators are all over the
place man we had a
shit we did an
episode of the league this year with a bull a fucking
one ton bull
and we’re in an auditorium
all of us this all people and
the wrangler comes in he’s like i’m a professional bull
trainer or i’m a wrangler for the bull
and he goes
just if the bull comes at you
he’s like he’s
never been in a room like this before
which immediately i’m like i’m fucking
what’s going on here
because if the bull
starts walking at you
just hold your ground and just pretend it’s
now there’s like a hundred
background people
and this bull walks in and he looked around for a
minute and they
didn’t charge but it was like i’m walking i’m
gonna take a fucking lap around this gym
oh my they’re trying and it just
there are dudes just i ran
like like just fucking for the hills i was like i
was right dude it has ball
thing do they i think they
dressed it up they
put like the hook through its fucking nose i mean this
thing was a ton
and it’s just
boom knocking people like out of the way and
they’re all
trying to do the
right thing
for thirty five dollars for fourteen
hours they’re just trying to
stand there
and not piss anyone off like this bull
was like knocking people around i was like
there’s any animal out there that’s not
trained it’s a fucking bull
yeah you can’t ever get them to settle down you cannot
train a bull
yeah what are you
gonna tell them
what how they even get them to just be
still enough to walk around
i don’t know
some crazy shit
it’s handlers like a hundred pounds
a little hundred
pound fucking lady it looks like a shit like
shit him out yeah
a lady hundred
pound lady oh my
way like not
that makes any
difference lady or a man either one talks whatever
yeah it doesn’t even matter at that
point cheetah around
dude they’re so
powerful maybe a lady
would be better because he
wouldn’t feel
threatened you just decide to listen if he likes your
voice you know
we did fear factor with
with bulls that was the only time i was really nervous
they’re big
they’re huge and we made
these people ride them i mean like a ninety pound
chick ride a bull
which got launched
through the air almost got kicked in the head
really it was the only time
where i was like what the fuck are we doing
every other time
i would say what is this
stunt oh well they’re
gonna take this
and they’re
gonna hit that ramp and it’s
gonna flip through the air and it’s
gonna land in these
boxes is there any chance it can’t land in the boxes
no no no there’s
no way it can only
fly a couple of feet through the air and we’re
gonna have way more
boxes than we need okay
and what happens when it goes in the
boxes oh the
boxes just collapse and then it
gets to the bottom it’s actually a really amazing
system of distribution of energy with all
these collapsible cardboard
boxes totally safe yeah
okay so someone’s flying a car off a
building it’s a third
store first
third story
building you know but
physically they figured out the physics of how it’s
going to happen
and it happens to me
so then i go what’s
going on here oh
we’re gonna ride bulls
these are fucking bulls man wait a
minute what if they get hurt no don’t
worry these are
training bulls
they’re not as aggressive
do they know they’re
training bulls
they know they know
their balls you sit down with them now you guys know
that you’re
training bulls right
they don’t have a fucking clue that they’re
training bulls dude
they’re just not
as strong as the
strongest of the strong
that’s the only difference
yep but they’re
still 2 000
pounds whatever the fuck they are
beasts they’re
incredibly strong dude
when you see them moving inside that cage
slamming into the
metal and shit
wow like this is the
stupidest fucking
thing i could ever think
about doing
right now is put my body on top of this
thing and hang on
this thing is
trapped in this little metal box
and you’re just
gonna all of a
sudden give it freedom with a little
monkey on its back
what the fuck it’s
freaking out of course it’s
gonna start jumping and kicking it’s paranoid it
doesn’t know what you’re doing
anything with
an animal when it has another animal on its back it
thinks that animals trying to kill it
yeah that’s how animals kill you
when a tiger jumps on you
he jumps on your back and gets the back of your neck so
you’ve fucking got a
thing on a bull’s mouth
and you’re hanging on his neck
he thinks you’re trying to kill him man of
course he’s
going to jump and kick
stupid fucks
do i got high and went to see jackass last week i
haven’t seen it yet
you haven’t seen it yet
dude i don’t know how
i have no idea how johnny knoxville
still alive
i really have no fucking idea
those dudes are nuts for real that’s
not a joke do you have to be like there’s a different
level of pain tolerance
that this guy has that’s just
saw that bull
thing we got a
blindfold whatever paul
what the fuck is wrong
with you did he gets hit
by a ball i want i don’t want you just one
thing but he
flips on his neck and they slow motion it down
where you like it’s it’s
unfattenable how this guy
still walking oh
and he just gets up and he’s like huh
and then fucking runs for a fence
oh but he still got the dexterity
to run and jump over a fence
it seemed like
to me though that was probably the last one though
the movie yeah
i think they wanted to be
but i think because the movie made
fifty million
dollars and when all said and done will probably make
between dvds
two hundred million dollars and they go will do
you want to do one for
twelve million dollars and he
might not be the last one
because he even says he’s like
you know how many of
these can i do plus
he doesn’t really do a lot of other
stuff in between
so you can get like a bigger payday
every couple years it’s like why not
but you i mean do
i don’t know how like they’re just testing fate at this
point yeah i
would rather do another
movie with the rock
you play the rocks deputy
ever decide
where we okay
i’m gonna relax you
gotta get those guys in the rocks got a baseball
bat he prefers to use a bat it’s got a little moon in a
giant bucket with
three x’s on it and shit
i made a kick ass take names i don’t really care
about their names
and i’m all out of names
you probably need to take your
guess kick butt
no you kidding
but take names
i got no more room my address book
you guys see the movie
i got high and saw it in 3d
i’ve only seen one
movie in 3d before this one what was the avatar yeah i
never saw a
movie in 3d before that
maybe i missed it
never saw jaws 3d
never saw jaws 3d
so avatar literally was like
change my life like
i was kept flipping the
glasses back and forth to see what it was like
but then when
i got high and saw jackass it was like it was a
midnight showing
at the palms
like people were wasted
there was chips flying in
the air it was kind of a cool environment to see it in
yeah and then high and then just fucking
was like a party everyone was
laughing that’s
crazy to see a
movie in vegas
i’d done the show i was
done with it and i was like you know what instead of
going out and getting fucked up or doing something
stupid it’s like i want to see this
movie let’s
smoke a joint let’s go and they save this couple seats
but that’s you
you’re working there that makes
sense yeah with the
other people
going on to see the
movies people that
live there yeah
the people that live there
that live there yeah you know
that makes sense you
can’t do this
every fucking
night you know
could you imagine living in not a chance fuck
no not a chance
it’s like either living on the surface of the sun
or in a colony of
vampires yeah
it’s like very similar
every time i leave
vegas i feel depressed dry
i feel hungover
i just yeah
it’s a horrible feeling
of shitty decisions
audrina patrick
was on my flight home who’s that
she’s uh she’s this
chick from the hills she’s
ridiculously hot and
and she’s on dancing with
the stars she got kicked off or something this week
anyway she’s so hot and she was
southwest and she just happened to have the seat
like she put to pick the seat next to me she’s
damn she fell asleep and i i
tried for twenty minutes to like look down in her
shirt but i
couldn’t i couldn’t
could get an
angle couldn’t get the fucking angle
her head can’t move it was horrible did her head ever
land on you and you cuddle with her no but i was like
rubber forehead
i was like just i was trying to
smell her yeah it was filthy
how hot is she
ten yeah she’s a ten
why did you record
her twenty five
how what how old twenty
three that’s yeah
in that range did you take any
photos no why not
that’s why you have it for the fuck bro you wasted i
i know bro but she was
sleeping i’m like then there’s physical evidence of me
so i mean not just
not now the me confessing it on the fucking internet
is not right
really really hot
chick like that like
to everyone but
you know to gay men
and to to regular
women like you really have no idea
what kind of
power that chick has no guy
none a super hot
chick like that
could just run a guy just run em
there’s no way he
can can’t help himself
whatever they want some
regular dude
i’ve seen it happen
many times brian
hmm have you seen it happen what
some super hot
chick just running some dude’s life oh totally
usually happens to me
tell us how it happens what happens
really well
you realize that you’re just
focused on like really nice
boobs but then
everything else around the boob is
awful and then you just don’t care
cause it’s like a bull’s eye and
you know you just
wanna look at
their boobs all day
so your focus
only on their
body not on
their personality that’s what you’re saying well
i guess you just overlook a lot of
things that usually
if they didn’t have an awesome rockin body that you
would probably
look into a little bit further
but you’re so
happy with you
should find yourself tolerated
like if i had
said those things to
you you’d be like i’m not friends with this guy anymore
right cause i don’t
want to yeah
dude how many times
you’ve been in a relationship with someone and someone
yell like mean hurtful shit at you and you go listen
i don’t have friends that talk to me like that
right you’re obviously not my friend yeah
but some people if you grow up in a family like that
that’s what you
think you’re supposed to do
that’s true what you supposed
to do if your parents always yell at each other
you think that’s how people
react to each
other you wanna be a
grown up you
wanna be a grown up too
hey you know you
gotta fucking respect me like whoa whoa
where the hell is this coming from did you
fight with your
sister a lot no
me and my sister
would always
fight and my
sister were
very friendly
really not like
we got in a few arguments when we were really really
young but by the time we were in high
school we never even argued
about shit every now and then like she
would like have try to have a
party over the
house and i
would come home and go get the fuck out everybody out
like shoot my
sister oh really
yeah she would get a little
crazy try to
bring a bunch of people over my parents were away
you know i’d come home and
i was delivering newspapers and
fighting in taekwondo tournaments okay so
i’d get up at
five o’clock in the morning and deliver newspapers
then i would
train and go into
pete and tournaments that’s all i did i was a loser
i had no life outside of
fighting no
march martial arts delivery newspapers go to
school that was
it that was it all i did
so i would come home
all these idiots in my
house and i have to get up in five hours
so i would just go fucking
crazy and kick everybody out
that was the only arguments we ever had
but other than that my
sister’s cool not tip
i went to brody’s
house one time when he
lived with brody
with his sister
we walked in and the
sister i guess had let the cat didn’t feed
some of the
this goddamn cat
food and he goes this is not the way i deserve to be
treated in a condo i live with my sister
paid for by my
mother and he just goes off on
his fucking sister
he’s like she
doesn’t get me and
is he really living with his
sister now he moved in
with another person
but yeah he was living with his sister
in a condo that his
mother paid for it
drives me crazy
when i find out that he’s not a
successful guy it drives me
crazy that he’s not
just gonna take someone to do
something around
him big enough that they go okay here is a
radio show here’s your
microphone yeah
the people that are
doing for a
while and get used to it and get
relaxed and then just
launch it will come
launch it yeah
well i just did a podcast last week for
him that if you guys are interested in who were talking
about it’s pretty
funny same thing he was talking about his
sister and he’s calling a squatter
she’s a squatter
getting him go is it fun is it fun
should we have him on the podcast oh i think so i mean
what he wants to do with this podcast his idea is
to take a bunch of the
really young kids at the comedy
store and throw them on the
couch and like talk to
these guys oh that’s a good idea get him get him some
you know stage time well
we did that with
brian’s friend little esther
you know little esther
oh yeah yeah brought her in
and she did the podcast and she’s
funny she’s gonna come to austin
she’s gonna do a little 10 minute sets
that’s great we’re
at the cap city comic club oh we’re there next week
me and joey diaz
it’s a thursday friday and saturday
to some tickets are still available how great is austin
fucking love it there man
so the greatest
cities ever i’ve only performed there once
which one of the
greatest coolest
smartest funnest cities
ever they’re
just they just got it down i mean it’s not perfect
there’s nothing perfect there’s no city that’s perfect
no but austin is pretty goddamn close
yeah they are
not too big
i want to live there one day yeah i like or cool
yeah i like it a lot man
this it’s a
little too congested for me they’re the reason why i
moved to colorado’s like i was
gonna go if i was
gonna go outside la
it had to be like really outside
i don’t want this
i want the opposite of this i
want the opposite of too many people
i want you know i
would like just like
you know one of the
things i loved
about colorado
i’d be driving down
these dirt roads and shit
headed home
and when someone’s coming the other way
they do this
they wave hey with a hand up
and i wave back
it’s sincere
that you can have enough
connection toward
more unlimited amount of
connections during the day that they mean something
every time there’s less
people do you
appreciate each other more
you know like i
would be walking my dog
and i’d be you
know passing by some guy was like getting his mail or
something like that they’re so different than out here
if i’m walking down this
street and i see somebody like it’s very rare
anybody says hi
or you can make
eye contact yeah
there everybody was like how you doing
it’s nice day huh
blah blah blah
he’s just friendly
cordial type shit yeah you don’t get
that when there’s too many people it’s just like having
you know if you don’t have
money and then you
know you you you have a little bit here and there you
appreciate that little
money that you get when you have
ridiculous piles of
money you just
start getting used to the fact you’ve got
money yeah you don’t
appreciate it if you lose a dollar it
doesn’t mean anything to you
if you’re poor and you lose a dollar it means a lot
when you have a
small amount of people you
appreciate those people
you know it’s like we get too much
this like when you’re in a city like la
when you get on that 405 like i had to go to
anaheim the
other day it was
fucking brutality man it’s just
insane you’re
going five miles an hour stop five
miles an hour stop for and it’s four five
maybe even five and a half
hours to get down there
jesus like you just look at all
those people and you go this is not what are we
doing let’s spread out
yeah this is craziness man
this is not
no wonder why we don’t
appreciate each other
you know but if you ever been in a car
when it’s snowing out man
you’ve been in a car when it’s snowing out
when it’s snowing and you’re around a bunch of
other people in snow and you’re driving looking at each
other like how you doing
buddy everyone that’s all yeah
everybody’s all
super friendly
cause everybody’s
freaking the fuck out because
mother nature is kicking your dick
right now you know
yeah the ground is
covered with a thick
layer and you’re like how
thick is this shit
gonna get before i get home
am i gonna get
stuck somewhere
do i have enough gas to keep the car off
never ride the guy in
front of his ass you’re like i wanna
let this guy whatever it’s
gonna happen let it happen i
wanna watch how this guy maneuvers shit
staying there tire
tracks and shit
i remember being
super retarded once it was like ice
storm and i had
ice all over my windshield growing up
and i took like
i was late for
work and so i took this big bucket of hot
water thing to melt the ice
and i poured it on my windshield and i just
watched my no i
watched my windshield go
it cracked oh
no then it froze even
worse oh no
cracked your windshield
i was like 16
going oh fuck
glasses it meant
that’s hilarious
dude that should be a
great scene in a movie yeah
glasses are
meant to go from fucking like negative 32 to
100 degrees in a
second there is something
about living
in a cold climate like that when you have to deal with
those winters
that makes a different type of person
i think people in los angeles they have
one of the reasons
why a lot of people out here are more
is because they don’t have to worry
about nature
you don’t really
worry about it here all you
have to do is it gets warm out
make sure you drink some
water that’s
about all you have to
worry about
you don’t have to
worry about thunderstorms
you remember
crazy lightning
storms you got to
worry about getting killed
by bolts of lightning
out of the sky
you know east
coast yeah when i
lived in boston okay if a fucking thunderstorm came
you would see
lightning bolt hit trees
every now and then and you knew not to go by trees
cause you were like
trained you like
don’t go over
there i forget
where the fuck it was
i don’t remember this enough to tell it
but i remember something hit
some lightning bolt hit something near us
like very close
and like we
could go to the spot
where it hit
you know i’m like fuck man
that’s death
if that’s you you’re fucked
there’s something humbling
about that like after
a brutal brutal hurricane
like back in the east coast
after it was over people were always nice
always nice
everybody was just a little bit humbled
nature just fucking that yeah
fucking crazy as he
said i’ll fucking kill you
i’ll fucking kill everyone natures
throwing trees
shit it’s like when you and your brothers and your
sisters are
fighting in the back seat and your dad
would be like i’ll fucking kill you
like that’s
mother nature
going hey everyone just
chill the fuck out
i never just
don’t appreciate
anything yeah
i never got used to it either like a lot of my friends
like when a thunderstorm came they were like yeah let’s
drink you know that’s how
like a party and stuff
to me i was always fucking just per
you know scared out of my mind
every time a huge
storm hit ohio the
thing that always used
to get me man is when the really big ones would hit
like this can keep
going i’ve never experienced it but i know it happens
where it goes like typhoon
and then it goes fucking
class whatever hurricane
where it’s like katrina
style yeah like they keep
going yeah it
doesn’t always like it
doesn’t always like this isn’t the end of
last one the
power it can come with
these fucking
things can get really
powerful so just because you’re
gonna get through this
hurricane okay
you’re gonna survive and
power might be out for a couple of days
there may be one someday that wipes out a
whole city there will
be that’s very possible
absolutely i was coming home once in high
school no middle
school or high
school we went to cedar
point which is this big amusement park in ohio
and there was this huge thunderstorm we had to
leave early
and i remember on the way
home we saw a tornado like just coming up the highway
and as kids
you’re like
what the fuck and
i don’t know
if that has anything to do with why i’m scared but
our bus was actually
going he was
going faster just to try to run away from this tornado
it was raining like
crazy oh my
god and i just remember being a kid
going in there he’s like everyone put
their heads or doing something
you know what
to do oh my
god yeah because it will pick that bus up and
just fucking
fling it like it’s nothing
nothing that’s happened so many times we had people
flying out of windows if
if tornadoes
were monsters from outer space
we would feel like we were being attacked we
would be on red
alert and shit
we would be
worried trying to
shoot the tornado with bullets
radiation cloud seeding
we have to make
it rain around the tornado to lessen its
capability the
tornado’s just moving like damn tornado
moved we were in
miami and some sort of a tropical
storm hit and it was
we were driving to
eddie had a seminar down there and
there was a
ufc and so we were there like the day
early for a seminar
and as we’re driving down the highway
we had a stop
in the middle of the highway the
whole highway did
cause the rain was so
thick and was coming down so hard
you couldn’t see anything
you literally couldn’t see
really you couldn’t
see a thing
it was just all white
it was incredible i’ve
never seen that volume of
water before
really everyone on the highway stopped for
10 15 minutes
for 10 or 15 minutes it was like this when
you couldn’t see a god that we were sitting in the car
going holy shit
and you don’t know what that’s
crazy you don’t know when that yeah it
could end in a
minute it could end in 30 minutes
well they’re pretty good at you know judging whether or
not you know you have to like run for high ground and
cover and go into
they’re pretty good at like when the big ones
some big giant
crazy one apparently just hit the philippines
they were showing it on they had
photos of it on the news they know how long
in general they’re
going to last
but it doesn’t matter why you’re in it
what you’re in even a
small one even a
medium size one like
this one was it didn’t even make the news nobody died
still it’s like what the fuck man
you can’t see
there’s so much
water you can’t see anything it’s a full
white wash just
there’s a wall
of rain coming from the sky in
front of you i remember
one of the last
storms i went through in ohio
right before i
moved to california was
this huge hail storm
i recorded it somewhere on the internet it’s
never been one of
those oh it
started off
it started off as just golf balls flying from the
you know with upstairs sky yeah
start off with just
above where my eyes seem
i want to cut back on the weeds yeah
right so it
starts off with golf balls
and i started recording because
everything in my back
patio was just getting
fucked up like ripping like umbrellas my umbrella
and you couldn’t go outside to
save anything because
these are golf balls that
would hit you in the head
and then i went to the
front and i had
a taurus show
and was like a nice car that i inherited from a grandma
and i just watched my car slowly dissolve
in dense like the size of like real oh it just fucked
my car up so it was just the most horrible thing to
watch your car just get beat up by guy there’s a
crazy video online i’m trying to see if i can find it
where these people
oh here’s here’s one look at the size of
these hail balls
whoa yeah there’s one where
these guys are in
their house
and they’re looking out the window at their
swimming pool
and at first it’s like
splashing in
the pool and they’re like holy shit look at this hail
oh my god and then it gets so big that it
doesn’t even seem real it gets
so big that a lot of people on youtube are like fake
fake but it was
bricks there were
bricks coming from the sky
hundreds of thousands of them
and just smashing everything
knocked over this
grill sent the fucking lid flying
the whole water
the water looked like rockets were
shooting out of the
water into space
that’s how the
water was coming
up it was insane
but you would die
yeah that would be it
you’d definitely
hit the head that after
after the hail
storm though it was
crazy going outside
cause it was like
july and it look like it had snow
like it would just look like snow everywhere
you see that
nuts that hail
storms can come
in july like that ice can come from the sky in july
how fucking fragile is our environment
yeah it’s so fragile
i mean the difference between
california and ohio
is just like a little turn
of this crazy planet
just a little
slight turn this way or that way
and you go a little more oh you fucked your in
alaska you’re in antarctica
you’re in some place
where you’re fucked and it’s a fucking million degrees
below zero and
if we just move just a little bit further from the sun
our san diego
seventy eight
every day yeah fucking dope
is nice waves how’s that possible
how’s it possible that like hawaii is always perfect
have you ever been in hawaii
amazing dude
hawaii is the
greatest place to go on vacation you know it’s always
gonna be awesome i’ve
never been to hawaii when it wasn’t awesome
it’s always
78 sunny no
i went to guam
with tripoli
we went to guam
and they they don’t
build anything nice because they just get a typhoon
every single fucking year
so we called it ghetto
hawaii we’re like this
cause they at
it’s gorgeous most of the time but then they get like
three weeks of just go fuck yourself weather
and so they just knocks
buildings down so that’s
like even they’re a little bit different in hawaii like
hawaii so nice
and guam just gets the shit
beat out of it once like once a year
it’s funny how that is isn’t it it’s
funny how there’s like
spots where
things always happen
and the big island in hawaii there’s
three totally different environments
there’s like this one
place where it’s like really dry and
almost desert like
and there’s all these lava
fields where
everything’s dead like
it’s like hot lava came down from the mountains
then there’s
other parts that were like
a tropical rainforest
there’s other parts it’s like incredibly
green and lush like helo
it rains like
all the time like almost
every day it’s so lush and
green like in the mountains on monoloa
and then there’s
where the keck
observatory is
which is also up a mountain
which is totally different it’s fucking mountain man
you’re like ten thousand
eleven thousand feet
above sea level so
legit mountain with
snow and shit uh huh
it’s like wow all this on an island same thing
that’s one little tiny island and it’s got three
completely different environments
hawaii is poor
it’s yeah it is
it’s yeah and it’s not
i mean it’s
if you move there you
gotta be prepared to live the way they live
yeah you know a lot of
white people
move there and also they’re like why don’t you guys
mow your lawn
you’re like no fuck you
they fucking go
crazy on you
beat your ass with a coconut you know
cause like hundreds and hundreds of years we didn’t
have long bitch this is
their land this is you know
if you could buy a house on
their land you better be cool man they were there
first for real
for real there yeah it’s not like america you know
where american indians
like they were oh no
we were here
you know even american indians
weren’t really here
first you know there’s fucking chinese
skeletons they
found from ten thousand years ago
they know the chinese now were the
first settlers
or not the first
settlers with the first
the oldest human
remains ever
found in america’s chinese
chinese yeah
alien there’s a fucking history
to this world
that we have lost for sure if you thought we’ve talked
about this on
the podcast before but if you follow this guy
named graham hancock
he’s this archaeologist that
specializes in ancient
that are kind of unexplained
and his main
theory is that there have been several
great ages of
humanity but cataclysmic disasters
have basically almost
knocked people back to the stone age
like people in ancient
egypt got to incredibly high technological
level many many thousands
of years before the established time of ancient
egypt this is
their thinking
that something happened around 10 000 bc
something happened
around 10 000 years ago something happened
probably like an asteroid impact or something crazy
and that’s also it coincides with the end of the ice
age so the earth just
resets itself
maybe it’s not the
earth resets itself it’s just that we almost get
wiped out by
well we know there’s a lot of asteroids
there’s hundreds of thousands of near
earth objects and
every now and then they collide with each
other and the
earth’s been hit many many times
and some of them hit
and they fucking kill everybody like the dinosaur one
but some of them hit and
they just wipe out like a big
chunk of people
like this one landed in nevada
it’s a a mile wide crater
it’s like the
crater was a
mile wide and you know that’s not even enough to
i mean you you you mean it’s
it’s gonna like do like some considerable
damage but it’s not enough to wipe out the race right
well just this one that’s a mile wide
crater killed
everything within
eight hundred
miles of it
what everything
everything alive
within 800 miles trees
animals dead
dead just a monstrous
shock wave of energy and this is just one that lasted
i mean this one i
think they said it was 50 000 years ago
i think that’s when it hit wow so
there’s been a
bunch of these fucking
things and they’ve hit all over the
world and some bigger than
others and they
could be that it could be
super volcanoes they know that that’s the case
they know that something happened around
10 000 years ago that killed all the william atmos
all the saber
tooth tigers and
ended the ice age
and they think they
might be together
they might be linked together
so all these guys
they look at all
this and there’s john anthony west he’s another one who
specializes in it in graham hancock there’s all
these people that are looking at like all this
incredible these incredible
structures that people left behind
and they go wait a
minute wait a
minute how long have we
really been here
like do we really know
do we really know we’re just
guessing we don’t
we’re just guessing we’re
guessing about all
these civilizations
it’s fucking fascinating shit man
you know and the fascinating you know
these ruins that
you find that they can’t explain like easter island
i don’t know who the fuck
built these
these big giant
stone heads
they look crazy and they’re
so complicated man
i mean you got
these i mean how many fucking thousands of
pounds are those rocks you
gotta cut them like that and then
move them into place and
shouldn’t you be out getting
mangoes and shit
where do you have
the time to be doing this man why are you doing this
extracurricular activities
dude there’s
these guys that lived in
south america i believe they’re called the toltecs
i don’t want to say that if i’m wrong
but they don’t even know
anything about these people
they don’t know
what their language was yeah it’s toltecs
they don’t know what their language was
they don’t know what
they did they lived in south america
they found these african faced heads
giant carved african faced heads
big african lips very african looking
and obviously advanced
civilization with headdresses and shit
and they found these fucking things
just in the jungle
and they don’t know
where they came from they don’t know there’s all this
other shit they left behind they know nothing
about them what do they do
what are those scientists do like the
smartest people in the
world they come
back and they go i i don’t know i fucking
found them i
found this it’s very
touchy does anyone
know what this fucking means
tricky subject
cause once you find it you have to like
admit like okay we’re in a real perplexing situation
because we thought we had a road map of
north america we thought
go back to yeah
we thought that
the asians came down from the bering
strait from
russia and siberia and asia and that’s how
human beings
that’s a native american when they do
the dna test on native americans
they’re most
closely related to people from asia
oh really because they came down all
right so russia
down people walked
you know and
froze the ice yeah and once the ice age ended
you know native americans
those are the people that colonized
this country
we don’t even know
and that shit you know we don’t we don’t even know man
so fucking we don’t we don’t even know who came
before we don’t know we don’t know how long people been
on this earth we really don’t know we we have
guesses you know we have
guesses as far as like
how long people
have been advanced how long we’ve had advanced
cultures we know like what we can find we
found shit that’s six thousand years old
and this is really old and it’s advanced
we go well this must be the
first this is the
first civilization
until we find a newer yeah or an older one
they don’t know dude
i don’t know
it’s crazy what’s
crazy is like what graham
hancock says is that we are a species with amnesia
and that really is what it’s like
as you start getting
older and you
start really looking at the
whole idea of history
the whole idea that there was all
these people before us
and they all
lived and they accomplished all
these incredible
things and then they died it seems so abstract
it’s like what
they were here and then they’re gone and then
you read the
history of how many people were here and gone
but as you get
older you start thinking
about that history
and you go man you don’t really fucking know
like a lot of this you’re guessing
you have to be
guessing you don’t know what
happened 15 000 years ago you don’t really have a clue
i would never
i would never assume
to try to say what happened 15 000 years ago they have
to though they have to fill in the why
because they’re scientists
because they’re archaeologists they have to
you know the problem
is once they decide something then it becomes tricky
because they’re
having a real hard time accepting a lot of information
about egypt like geological information
there’s a guy
named dr ron
schach out of the
university of massachusetts
boston university i believe and he’s
a geologist and he’s decided to
like he looked at all the erosion
that’s in the sphinx
and then the
sphinx chamber and he
said that this is all water
and this is all like thousands of years of rainfall
and what that means is that
it had to have happened long
long before
what the current idea of the
egyptians is because
the current idea
we believe it’s like 2
500 bc they
built all that shit
but this guy saying no it had to be like
seven thousand years before that
cause of all the
water stain it’s my
i know i talk
about this too much on this podcast
because i’m fucking fascinated by it it’s it’s a
crazy thing to me
that we really don’t know how long
human beings have been around and
that there’s a very real possibility that it’s been a
bunch of us
but what would
up would not
upset a bunch of
different ages so what what
freaks me out is that people are
still like you
said like trying to assume that they know
yeah why would you ever try to why would you
that’s what bothers
me when people go oh no but this is what we know
how does anyone like just don’t try to fucking
tell me that i’m
stupid for being like no this is
we no one really knows
yeah why are you telling me now
they attribute
things to certain people i know what you’re saying
they attribute
things to certain people
where they really
should say we
think this could have been what happened
you know like
while i was
watching this
thing on chichen
itza you know
or not chichen itza
i’m sorry machu
picchu in peru
what they were talking
they really don’t exactly know why all that shit was
built like way way
way the fuck up there
but there’s all
these crazy theories that there
might have been
water that actually reached that high at one
point in time really
dude it’s nuts
if you go back and
look at any of that guy’s work he’s got graham hancock
he’s got a book called fingerprints of the gods
shit will blow
your mind man is there someone to take his
place though
if he dies yeah
sure there’s a
bunch of other guys the problem is he’s like
the most respected he’s got
rock solid credentials he’s
a you know a
real scholar really brilliant man he’s very well
well spoken
like and he does interviews and he talks and
he’s a really fascinating guy he’s one of my favorite
people to read his books he’s just
an open minded really intelligent thinker
and so he was like you
know he has all
these controversial theories
and then after all
these controversial
theories his theories of
ancient civilizations all
these different
things that people are disputing
then he writes this book
about psychedelic drugs
he writes this book called
where he believes that man’s entire life we’ve been
influenced by
he started taking
ayahuasca and
going to peru and which
ayahuasca this
crazy drug that
you take in the amazon jungle and it gives you dmt
experiences like this long term dmt
experiences and they have
these people that go down there and they
they put on
these shamanistic rituals and they communicate with the
afterlife so now his latest work is that
he’s convinced that mankind has been helped throughout
human history by
trips to other dimensions
as if his last shit wasn’t controversial
yeah yeah i
know what’s more than this
yeah what is he gonna talk
about next ufos
you know that’s the last that’s it
the last have you seen that
thing about the vatican
the vatican
had a fucking conference about ufos
the vatican
yeah i gotta i
gotta pull that up because it was really ridiculous
what did they say
they were talking about how
they are brothers from space
and that they may have been without
without original sin
so they may be pure they
might not have had to go through what we went through
this is trying to sound like
vampires but dudes hilarious
it’s a pure vampire it’s hilarious dude it is
sounding like that right
she was she
chose strip
this isn’t a new york
times by the way this isn’t like some some nutty shit
that’s crazy
yeah hold on
steve so you’ve
been on the road touring for your show the league
doing stand up
comedy also i have
have you guys been like doing clubs theaters what’s
going on we did the
house of blues in chicago
which is beautiful
um and then we did a couple clubs and we did
cobs in san francisco
arlington brewhouse
in dc so who you touring with who is it uh nick kroll
paul shear and john
lejwan myself usually go out together
those are the four guys on the show that do
stand up and it’s fun we don’t we don’t all just
just do stand up well
do some audience
stuff and fuck around with each
other a lot of fans of the show
yeah a lot of fans of the show we you know we’ve been
selling out
we’re doing the show at largo on tuesday it’s sold out
which is nice really
really cool
and yeah people like
the show and it’s just nice for us to be able to go
oh these are the guys that like the show
right i like to get to see them
yeah that’s a rare that’s a
such a different
experience right
when they’re coming to see you yeah as opposed to just
going to a club you got to
kind of convince them to come out and see you do comedy
yeah once i promise i’m
funny and then they but now when they
come out and they seek you out it’s kind of a different
very different
right don’t
cool yeah way cooler
right yeah yeah
way cooler because it’s you know
that they are
they all i go and now i can show that i’m also
funny so they’re good
you know they’re not
gonna be like a
fuck we just like the show and you know
that’s brutal if you do go to see a guy and he’s like
like i really admire what charlie murphy did
cause what charlie murphy did was he didn’t he wasn’t a
stand up comedian
he was an actor
and all of a
sudden he did the chappelle show and then he
started doing stand up
while he was famous
yeah so he was already
famous and then he
starts doing
stand up which is just
fucking bonkers man yeah you know that’s a big chance
steve i was doing
stand up now
as you really saw it and it was
surprisingly good
it was he he
he he was his
stage presence was
very interesting
it wasn’t he didn’t stumble he actually
just pretty much told stories and you can’t
and and his personality on
stage came across
good i mean it was
probably like the
third time he’s done
stand up did he do any
stance or anything like that no no no he just talked
about what his life
is like and it was really cool and i got to talk to him
after the show and i
guess he’s like
completely sober now and
everything like that you
could see it in the movie
that like this is the
first time they’re doing shit when they’re like
oh my god i know what this feels i don’t know what this
feels like yeah it’s yeah but i was i was
actually every person that was there that
night this was at triple e’s naughty show by the way
every time you go
has a naughty show you
should go it’s something always interesting
i’m doing it next week oh really awesome
why is it what day is it
i think it’s
or the eleventh so it’s a week and a
half i think it’s at the improv i
could usually no
rose in yeah
but yeah he did it and everyone else that was there
actually said the same
thing that was actually
pretty good oh that’s good you know who’s figured
it figuring it out tom green
i saw him in
the beginning and it was sort of like a little
i don’t think he really knew how to like
come across not being
like you know he’s
a weird awkward
kind of guy but like and now i saw him like
maybe two weeks
ago and i’m like oh he’s gotten a lot better in a year
just gotta get you
translating that you know that that
weirdness over
yeah people don’t really
appreciate how much time is involved in it
have you ever
tried to get anybody to do it
have you ever
talked a friend into it no
i i don’t i don’t
think i would do that
next thursday
thursday november eleventh is the naughty show yeah
the melrose improv
and there’s a bunch of
hookers here too
i did powerful
adult porn stars he always has some really
dirty girls there
i did a show last
night and somebody
brought a three year old baby
to the oh yeah
god damn it tell the
story brian
all right so
i was in this comedy competition
it’s called
uncle clyde’s
comedy competition at flappers and burbank
and my material
is pretty much dirty
i mean there’s
a lot of bad
stuff i’m noob so i have to go
dirty to be
funny so the
we get in there and this is
where you bring your own
friends and your friends vote and everyone votes and
stuff like that
what people are
bringing like 12 friends i had zero friends
but so you’re not
gonna win this
comedy competition when you know
other people
bring friends so i wasn’t
friends are all pissed cause
you suck and
they’re mad that you brought them there to listen to
somebody else
no one’s gonna really do that but so
we come out and all the
comics were all
lined up looking
at the audience
and stuff and
suddenly you hear this baby’s
voice go no
i like pickles
or something
like that you’re like what the fuck was that
and i thought it was just some guy making a
funny voice
until the first
comic is on
stage and he
starts to cuss and then this baby
screams out
and i was like oh my god
there’s a child in here
there was a
three year old
child having foreign conversations with the
comics at some point
going back and forth so
all the other
comics were kind of like
you could tell they’re trying to change some material
why did the club allow this
yeah who let them in i i have no idea
but the owners were there and they knew the kid was in
their audience
well that’s
ridiculous yeah
they don’t know
what the fuck they’re doing i thought you told me that
those people were comics
they are comics
they’ve been doing it for a long time
uncle clydes is actually pretty successful
unless it was
jesus baby right
i think what
they were maybe
thinking like oh this baby’s
young enough that it’s not gonna
understand that’s
ridiculous you can’t control
listen i have
i have a two and a half year old
you can’t control
babies no when they
wanna yell shit out they just yell shit out
that’s part of being a baby yeah
my kid took
a shit on someone’s our we went to a friend’s
house pool party took a shit on
their deck we just
cleaned it up
it’s what happened
he’s just ever no one likes anything they’re fucking
babies man when
babies they just douche they don’t know they do
crazy shit i did a gig in atlanta one time
where there was it was
one of those gigs
where it’s a restaurant then turns into a thing
so i go i’m not
going to stage
unless like everyone’s like 18 year old you know
and they were like
this 11 year old family just sat down i’m like well
why’d you sit on mike well i’m just i’m
gonna do it anyway
and then i’m like you know how this is
gonna lead to
disaster this is
they’re gonna complain you have to comp their meal
they’re like no and then
that’s exactly what happened they were like how
could you talk like that and then i’m like
it’s not fair
to either one of you it’s
not something
for everyone
no they don’t want to eat a meal like that they
should have been
told that this was
gonna happen
the worst part was is when i got on
stage i made the decision not to
to do just do my set
and not edit it and not
do anything like that so
i went out and i’m like sorry
at the beginning i’m like
sorry child
cover your ears
and then i went
right into a bit
about molesting a
child oh but
i you know i’ve been
you know practicing for this
night for the last couple days
i could yeah my
new lasting
child jokes not
gonna tell itself right
baby is the best part
and we added baby to that it was
funny cause how many times i was in
middles of bits halfway
through a bit now it’s like all right
don’t listen to this kid
i had to keep on
referencing the kid and i was like you might
laugh or was it too fuck it was good
but you could tell the audience
was all like dude i can’t believe you’re talking
about fucking pillows
while there’s this kid right here
what are you supposed to do
you know almost like you
should have come up
with a bit like what the hell am i supposed to do well
i’ve been practicing for this for weeks
whose kid is this i was originally just
gonna be ridiculously censored like oh i’m
gonna take my pee pee and make love to this you know
just try to change everything
but i’ve done
that once before and that’s hard to do you
can’t change on the fly
no when you edit on the
fly you can’t render on the fly
that’s one of the reasons why it’s
the grossest fucking
thing ever when someone goes on
right before you and purposely steps on your material
right because they do it
when guys do it on purpose
what they’re trying to get you to do is edit on the fly
right mania was
famous for that yeah
the best one is the johnny sanchez
one johnny sanchez is doing a tv show
forget what the show is
loco slam some shit something
loco something with a mexican name
and mansia is hosting the fucking
thing mansia
brings him up before he
brings him up he does johnny’s closing bit no way
of course he does
he wants you to eat it he wants you to
have to adjust once you go up there
he’s like playing mind games with every
other mexican comedian he wants to be the latino hit
you know johnny sanchez
used to crush
with that bit
about the the iranian guy who was mad
at someone for parking in a spot
you remember
that bit yeah yeah yeah i know who’s parking in my
fucking parking
and then stillia does the exact bit
really parking in my fucking parking he says the same
thing the whole deal just
crushes the bit
just eats the guts out of it and shits it out on
stage and then has johnny sanchez
go on i was on mancia last week and
he brought it up he
brought the video
the man cau video
cause i was
at the end of it and you know we were talking
about it and he said you know
he just brought about i
haven’t talked
about it in so long and i was like so stupid
and weird yeah
so stupid that was the best
thing that ever happened to me
to get out of that comedy
store you know
i got used to being in that place
i got used to
thinking that that was
where comedy was at and i was
bringing that comedy and
bringing it
everywhere else
that no crowd control comedy
loud shitheads hecklers
rudeness you know you don’t realize that comedy
doesn’t have to be like that yeah you know
that was a big move for me to get out of that room
get out of that room and
start doing the melrose improv
and start doing all
those other clubs and they’re nice
they really
are much better to me
yeah it was better to just to get outside of that
the negativity of that
place some some parts
about that place were fun the
darkness of it the fact that had been the same for like
three four five decades
but there was parts that
place was just
like this is just too much this ain’t good for you yeah
you’re still there all the time
i go there a lot yeah when i’m well when i’m town yeah
it’s the best hang
you know no better
no no better hang that parking lot area
but that’s what i’m
saying it’s now it’s like there’s
a new like i want to go there i know like less than
50 of the people really yeah that’s
it feels weird that now i’m one of the
like older old guys
yeah you’re damarrera jr
you were talking
about damarrera
fucking bigger fishes
dammarrera was one of
those guys when i
first came here
i was like holy shit it’s damirrera yeah
can’t believe it you know
i know i felt that way when i got there too
that place man
and then you see dom arere
all the time
now let’s say hey dom hey what’s up dom
yeah have you
ever seen fritz coleman
do comedy oh no i
never do comedy
no i have yeah
he’s actually used to be a regular at the comedy store
it stops in once in a while
when someone died one time
a comedian died he came to the comedy
store with the abc van whatever channel is on
and he was talking to me the
you know not interviewing me but it was something to
pauli was there
and then he goes you want to see some
funny and he brought
me inside show me his headshot i was like you fucking
comedian he’s like yeah
you come here all the time
wow fucking fritz coleman
you just gonna be a
weird stand up
yeah i saw him i saw what was it like do you remember
it’s like you know real nice guy
hi oreo hi hoo
ha alrighty then yeah
just nice guy
he’s is better off doing what he’s doing
you know to
win for everyone yeah the guys that quit they
should quit
you know they
wanna quit yeah some guys just get into it because they
wanna get into it and
then you know they’re into it and then like okay well i
guess i’m doing comedy now and something else comes
along and they’ll
just stop they’ll just stop doing comedy
it reads itself out
and then there’s some guys like tim allen
that were good
tim allen was a good
comic man he was
funny back in the day
when he was talking
about prison
stuff and things
like that well
you know even all that fucking tool shit all that man
oh oh oh he does all that stuff
about fucking tools and shit oh yeah yeah yeah it was
funny stuff man
it was good
stuff yeah you
know but he got that tv show man and just stopped
to stop doing
stand up totally he’s
still doing it now though
well he took
a long ass time off bro
he took a long ass time off
cause i was at the comedy
store one of his return flights
when you start
that’s a weird
thing when you
haven’t seen a guy on
stage in like ten years
and they haven’t done comedy in like ten years
and then all of a
sudden they
start to do it
again and they’re
famous as fuck
that sucks but
they’re like a rookie
he was like a rookie again
i know you lose
that timing you lose that feel for being on
stage you lose that
confidence it’s
a whole different muscle
it’s totally different man
to this day
if i take more than two weeks off i feel
weird i have to go on stage
otherwise i don’t feel like i
could do a show
you know i’m not familiar with my material enough
think the longest i take off
i took off one time was a month
really and it sucked
like the first four sets
after all just horrific
it takes me like i
t voed my own set i was like
minutes behind myself
like even timings of time yeah
people were
laughing they
would stop laughing
it was awful
comedy do you ever
do you record yourself
i do once in a
while when i’m like okay i know tonight i’m
gonna do 15 minutes of decently new
stuff that i wanted to try to remember
i record myself
i record myself
all the time for two reasons one because you
never know when you’re
gonna say something interesting
and you’ll try to get some new bit out of it and two
because when i
haven’t done
comedy for a
while i just
listen to recording so it all comes back to me
that’s good yeah for the timing cause
i listen with headphones on
and i’ll listen and i’ll
start writing
things down
and as i’m writing them down
i’ll just sort of remember each bit
because sometimes there’s a whole
chunk that i forget you know
when you’re doing an hour and 20 minutes of material
it’s like you know
do you still do that thing
about the fire in san francisco
oh i fucking
forgot there it
is you know
sometimes i’ll do like an hour and a half and i’ll
leave out like a critical bit
and i’ll get off
stage and i’ll
go i fucking forgot to do that bit see i’m
still at the
point where i will headline
i usually go out
twice a month
and but there are times where
a month or two without when i’m
shooting something
and then i’ll be doing set to the comedy
store in between and then i go back out and i’m like
shit what was
there was there’s a lot more to this and then
because you know when you have that hour and then you
start going fifteen minutes boss
again you just
start editing
stuff out and then you forget to put the shit back in
when you go back out you’re like oh there was a
whole another fucking
three minutes to that joke that i
completely forgot
about yeah and that’s another
thing that sucks
about fucking heckles is when someone
starts heckling you
you lose your
train of fall yeah
you lose you lose
ninety percent of what the fuck you’re saying
and then you
start over at a different
level that you were at
yeah like a wave
like different wave you have
totally different wavelength
what you were telling us before
we even started this podcast
about last night at the comedy store
there’s another example we were talking
about how that place like
if you go to the melrose
improv and someone’s yelling out there’s
gonna be a guy come over and he’s
gonna put his hand on your
shoulder and he’s
gonna say hey man cut the shit or we’re
gonna kick you
out of here you can’t be yelling shit out
if you do i saw any dick get kicked out of the melrose
hill really yeah
that’s amazing one of your shows
and it was heckling you it wasn’t
heckling me it was heckling somebody else before i ever
got there that’s
funny before i ever got on
stage you got kicked out
this was back when he was boozing it up though
that’s yeah last
night was just
i got told that there was
an entire the
whole audience was different
tables from different
countries and i was fine with that i got on
fucking lady just this four
ladies from new zealand just
wouldn’t shut up i kept asking me quiet
then one of them through i told him shut the fuck up
then one of them
threw something at me
and then i just went i went crazy they
threw like a napkin but i didn’t know what it was even
if you don’t say something to the napkin a
glass is coming next that’s my fucking mindset
so then i called them fat pigs and
it was just hard
but it took him like
20 minutes to get kicked out of the fucking club wow
you know and i love everyone that
works there it’s just like there’s a negotiation first
there were guys like
harris we were talking
about miserable yeah
harris would have hogged hide this
chick in the
beginning like
first word out of her
mouth and thrown her to the
stairs by her face
but now there’s like a
yeah yeah well get the fuck out of here
where is harris have you talked to him i
think he’s in montana
didn’t he have a bad
motorcycle accident he did he had a really bad
motorcycle accident
dude i used to talk to that guy
about motorcycles he
would make it attractive
we talk about
motorcycles how
great it is i’m
gonna ride across the country i
go up here with this guy and we
drive down together and we ride
oh my god me and
steve samoa went to
visit him in the hospital
after that and i
swear to god there was a hooker in his room
nice we walk in and she was like
dressed up business
style they were both sitting on the bed
well obviously
he’s on the bed but she’s sitting on the bed
right there and as soon as me and
steve knock the door we pop and he’s like
she straighten yourself up
he’s like oh this is
so and so from
from the healthcare
unit i’m like no fucking healthcare lady
sits laying on the bed with you laying
on the bed like like yeah but like together on the
bed like really if you’re taking your report like you
stand next to
the fucking bed why didn’t he lock the door
i don’t know
maybe you can’t
maybe people
would have come in a
wild chance
maybe just want to see if he can get caught
i would have
loved it then
we just want
i would have what
would happen
if i would have sat
there and walk
i would have
sat there and fucking
just been like go for it
would you back up or would you
watch watch
cause he’d kill his boner bro dude
unless he’s a real friend i won’t make eye contact
i’ll just stare right at his boner
self around the corner of the fucking curtain trust me
everyone’s getting it off what was his injuries
did he scrape
i think he broke something on one side
either an arm or a leg but then it was just
scrapes did he get hit or what happened
i think he was it was raining he was
going a little too fast my
way yeah he wiped
i don’t he didn’t get hit
did you see richie have you seen
richie i saw richie richie got hit back yeah our friend
richie who used to be one of the managers the comedy
store got t barred
a car a girl ran a
light went right in
front of him he
slammed into the car he didn’t have time to stop he’s
going 35 miles an hour
i just smashed a
bunch of shit in his leg and his arm and his hand his
wrist and his leg
is all screwed together and skin graft and
he’s another one man he used to make it sound
attractive oh
you pay attention you can be fine you know we talk
about bikes cause
there was a one
point in time
where i took
motorcycle safety
classes and i was really thinking
about doing a bike yeah
yeah i ran into alonzo
bolden the other day too broken hand from a
motorcycle really yeah i can’t get it to heal
they’re gonna have to put pins in it
cause it broke in so many different
places they
were trying to get it to heal but it won’t heal
what’s best i mean
months yeah what’s best case scenario
like you just know best
case scenario is you fall down
and don’t get hurt too bad yeah best case you’re
gonna fall i knew
three dudes
that had things happen to him
my friend edison he
crashed his bike fucked up his shoulder
another dude
frank meer the
ufc guy got hit by a car on a
motorcycle shattered his femur
he was fucked for a
whole year he was the
champ at the time i believe i
think he was
so he shattered his femur
he was fucked for over a year
over a year he was
never the same guy
again and then
a friend of mine saw
a dude get hit by a car too
when he was on a motorcycle
saw a guy get hit
with someone not paying attention at a red
light fucking guy was parked on his bike
and this dude just plows into him
sense the guy flying over the handlebars what’s the
worst i couldn’t do it
too scary but damn
colorado will look so fucking
attractive in
colorado in new york
when i’m like we just park fucking you have a
little basket
thing i know it’s
crazy but i
think that i see it i’m like i can do that no way
just zipping around one we see
kate got hit by a car in new york when he was on a bike
did he really yeah he got nailed oh my god yeah
yeah he he he got knocked
unconscious i think
i think like um
i think he got hurt
but he was okay
like it’s one of
those things
where he got jacked and went to the hospital and then
after they got him out of the hospital he was okay
so and i remember when he was riding that thing man
motorcycles to me have always been like so attractive
i see them like oh look at that i love fucking jet
shots balls
when i’m on a jet ski
never been on one of oil
dude it’s addicting if you like it
you’re just like it’s just freedom out on
the you’re like in the middle of the
water like i want to fucking be
right there
shit when you’re over there
like when i didn’t ask anyone
don’t you feel like sharks
are gonna come get you look you have to i did it
fast i didn’t like lake havasu
and like just horrible
yeah i’ve never done it dude
i did it in hawaii
and i did it
stoned as fuck
right and you just wait
no and then
make just an appetize
and i was i have
never driven
one of those
things before i was
going full clip
like constantly
and i wiped out
and when i wiped out man i was in the
water and then it just hit me like i am way out here
i’m way way
way way way out here i mean there’s no way i’m
swimming to shore i
gotta swim over to this fucking bike and get back on it
cause otherwise i’m dead you’re
gonna get eaten i’m
thinking there
might be something coming at me right now
swimming really fast
joe when you go in the
water do you wear
beach shoes
beach shoes what are
those like the
little sandals that you put on oh yeah step on
things no i’ve
never seen those before
people wear
those in the
water they look like rubber socks yeah
oh i have seen
those no i never knew what they were though i
thought let’s assume
those had something to do with skiing or
surfing or something they don’t
step on jellyfish and
shit like i’ve
never been surfing but i did go boogie
boarding in
in hawaii and i
understand i mean i don’t
understand surfing i’m not saying that it’s the same
but i understand like the thrill
of riding a
wave it’s fun as fuck man i can only imagine
how dope it must be to actually get on a wave
and ride that bitch in
but that said a dude in
santa barbara just last
week got killed by a shark
santa barbara yeah
just last week
and it’s rare for
sharks to be in that water
because it’s like
they don’t know if it’s a really big one if it’s a
great white it’s really rare
because they’re not supposed to be in that
water they’re
supposed to be in colder
water like san francisco
san francisco it’s like a real problem
yeah like there’s there was a
actually there was a
video in cape cod this year
there’s a bunch of them that are
breeding in cape cod
they’ve all this
video footage from the sky from helicopter
seeing these
giant fucking
great white bleeding
fuck all that getting in the
water shit i
don’t care how cool surfing is i like wave pool dude
shark week is the closest i do to that yeah
yeah i got really hot
and watch the fucking did you see the flying
sharks now they have yeah the ones that come
out of the water the
fucking feet in the air
and they time the
the the what are those
the sea fucking
walruses whatever did they time them
this way and they come straight up and
smash them and just smash them
right out of the
water and they’re up 12 feet in
the air flapping and they
yeah then back in jack them and smash them
what an amazing creature that nature has created
this giant thing that can’t even stop
it has to stay
swimming or it’ll drown
and all it wants to do is eat and it’s retarded
it has like no
brain at all
it just wants to eat
like killer
whales fuck
great whites up all the time
it’s not even a competition
like great white
sharks will like be around killer
whales and killer whales
would just attack them and we’ll just find one and just
attack them
and murder them rip them in half
first of all
killer whales are big
they’re really big and they’re
super smart they’re like
dolphin smart
so they just fuck them up there’s an awesome
video online of a killer
whale killing a
great white
shark and showing it off to
these people
after he kills it
they don’t fuck around dude
he was showing it off
the showed off to people they like people
think people are cool
they save people all the time
when when people fall in the
water killer
whales will
save people really yeah have many many instances of
they’ll take people that fell off
their boats
and carry them put it back to their boat
that’s great how
weird is that they don’t even
wanna eat us
they eat dolphins
yeah killer
whales fuck up dolphins
cause dolphins are
their competition
even though they’re the same species
basically they’re cousins of dolphins
but they’ll save people
what a trip huh crazy
if dolphins didn’t
exist if a killer
whales didn’t exist
could you what a fuck bigfoot what
a fantastic animal
a killer whale
would be if it didn’t exist
imagine if someone told you
there’s an animal
it lives in the
ocean but it’s not really a fish
it breathes air
but it lives in the
water and it comes up
every now and then for air and they’re
super smart
smart like a dog like you can
train them and they’ll do
stuff for you they’re
loyal they’ll save you
and they’re
giant they have huge fucking
teeth and they kill sharks
and they have a language
and you hear them talking to each
other they’d be like
shut the fuck up and
pass the reefer
you’re making up some nonsense
you know like
in contrast like how boring is bigfoot
what the fuck gives a shit
yeah it’s just another monkey
he doesn’t do anything
he doesn’t kill people
he doesn’t they don’t
now find huts that
built bigfoot
built like whoa he’s
smart he hasn’t
dated britney
spears or anything like that
he needs to fucking
cause some controversy bigfoot
big fat people
out of the loop
people find bigfoot i
still though if i found him
if i was uh if there was a special
that was on
television and they
found bigfoot i’d be fucking
drilled riveted
drilled into my
chair riveted to this this action yeah
if they was like cnn
right now like they
found bigfoot you
shut it down
everyone fucking go to the computer and and
watch could you fucking imagine that
they should make a bigfoot
movie where bigfoot’s actually a chick
but she’s really nice and hot like
you know just a little bit hairy and the guy
has shaser dating bigfoot yeah
you should be a
movie producer
i want to give you all my money
that’s it i
think you’ve got some brilliant ideas
brian you might have a real
talent for this it’d be like
megan fox but her
whole body had like a six o’clock shadow
you know what i mean like she has
that little
hair tent and you have to constantly shave her
dude werewolf on a
plane that’s what i got on this podcast
don’t steal that you fucks
does anybody out there
that’s on a
plane it just lands on
the twenty eighth or
twenty seventh uh
twenty eighth
it’s like a trick or
treat this shit is documented son
trick or treat is this weekend man yeah well some
places actually have it uh
thursdays because they don’t like
to have it on weekends because they don’t want kids
they want kids
to have to wake up the next morning and go to
school so they don’t go
crazy oh the
whole night you know
oh really so
a lot of places have it actually on
thursday whatever happened to kids
just finding out what it’s like to not get much sleep
how about that
but you know what i’m saying
we protecting them
oh we want to make sure you get a
solid eight
hours there
fella why i don’t
yeah what the fuck
you gotta let him know like oh sucks when you don’t
get eight hours
sleep you go to
school and you’re
stupid you should know that that’s an important lesson
it’s better to
learn that shit when you’re doing math in the ninth
grade that it is to
learn it when you have a fucking job and you’re 27
and you fuck up and lose your job
because your performance sucks
because you’re
not getting any sleep yeah
god damn it that’s my message
i’ve got a message my message is
stop nerfing the world
let those fucking kids
get nutty let them do whatever the fuck they want to do
the who said it right the kids are all right
wasn’t it the who said that i don’t know
who said that the kids are all right
yeah that’s is that the who
fucking weak ass bitch what do you got for me
brian i gotta close this bitch out
yes i’m good
by the way what was the name or what was
d antwoord no d antwoord used to be another band
and that was the song that
we were playing last week that everybody kept asking
today’s ngo podcast
you talk too loud max normal
yeah you can find it on youtube it’s
not a video but
it’s just a song with it let’s play it on the way out
brian fuck it play it on the way out max normal
your internet’s too jacked
does it go on youtube right now
but here’s a this
internet is so sad yeah
it’s the cable
cable goes out in and out all day
i’ve been finding that lately
but people have been asking why is your
stream podcast cut out that’s why i keep cutting out
it actually seems to be up right now though brian
what do you got here
this is lcd
sounds better not be
as gay as that shit you were playing yesterday
hey thanks to the podcast or thanks rather to the
flesh light for sponsoring the podcast
thanks to my pal steve renezezi
thank you very much for having me dog road dog
my man we’ve been in the trenches together that’s right
back in the day bitches next week
i am at cap city comedy club with joey coco diaz a rare
rare event i smuggled
cocoa to texas
no warrants in
texas so he’s gonna be good i can’t take him to canada
where i may be filming my next
comedy central special in april i’m not saying
that’s a bringing little esther to the
i’m bringing
brian’s little pal little esther
they’re gonna
sleep together in one room with two beds
nice one leg on the
floor at all times
if you’ve never been to cap city comedy
club it’s one of the best fucking comedy
clubs in the country it is austin’s
one of the best cities in the country i can’t wait
steve brent
is easy where you at this week
next week i’m at governors
governors in long island that’s
right levitown
yes fuck yeah son old school
going home that’s a real
place yeah that’s a real goddamn club
governance is awesome
what nights are you there
uh november
fifth and sixth
which is uh friday saturday
friday and saturday friday and saturday two shows
two shows seven
thirty and ten
go see steve renezisi
he’s a hilarious
stand up comedian as well as a good guy
and he’s also on that show
the league which is on fx what
nights thursday
nights tonight
tonight special
night tonight i’m
watching i’m
watching it
thank you everybody for
tuning in next week supposedly we’re
gonna have bobby lee on the show
and a weekly
yeah like matt damon
look i appreciate
bobby he’s a
flake just like me all right
that’s it we’ll see you guys next week and
see you in austin and
as always love you bitches see it
but all i know
you round it stop you can’t believe
what’s the wind blowing oh stop
pick the waster