i get the painful ones bro yeah
what’s that what’s that like the time
saw deep tissue
deep tissue
should i lower this
whatever you want
no whatever whatever feels comfortable
for you but it’s pretty good at picking up your voice
you just wanna
no you don’t want to have it that low
you definitely want to have it in
front of your face
like it’s like a
radio one it’s like a stage one
so like it’s a
sideways mic if you see it like the mic is in oh yeah
this is how i do it i have this
right in front of my face
plus people don’t
get to see as much of my face it makes me even staring
i like it when i used
to sit there i used to hide behind it like i am half
robot half man
alright let’s do this
three two one
popping bottles in the ice
like a blizzard
when we drink we do it
right kittens lizard
sipping scissor in my ride
like three six
now i’m feeling so fly
like a g six
fifty six
give me that moment where where give me that
get them bottles pop and we get that dripping
that drop out now get me through more bottles
cause you know it don’t stay
acting like they drunk
like three six now i’m feeling
so fly like a g six like a g six like a g six
i think that g6 is a jet
okay you think it’s a jet
i think so all right i’m a fucking retard i always
think apple like oh they got
they didn’t even make g6 they
sound way above the game they
sound like they’re balling
they sound like they’re balling right
yeah they’ve got a
bunch of girls that are sober but they pretend to be
drunk so they can fuck yeah
okay they’re balling
that’s when you’re out of control when people
are pretending they need an excuse to fuck you yes
that’s what’s going on
speaking of excuses to fuck you
this show is sponsored by the
flashlight ladies and gentlemen
flashlight and if you go to joe rogan
net and you
click on the link
it’ll take you to the
flashlight website and they give you 15
off what’s a
flashlight a
flashlight is
this one is an
alien version by the way our
guest is little
esther and esther
is a very funny
stand up comedian here in los angeles california
and she’s our
first female
guest ever ladies and gentlemen so
how about a
round of applause
50th episode
also this is our 50th episode and we you know we just
never found a girl worthy
but you’re here
they’re all
worthy they just don’t want to come over
and not only that it’s my
house so i can’t
bring porn stars over everyone’s like you
should have porn stars on
well you know you can do
all you want
the issue is i have little children that are girls
yeah want them
being really good friends with the porn stars and i
wanna do what
marilyn does no
she’s obsessed
with porn star she actually bought what off of ebay
gina jameson
socks or something i bought her
sweater off of ebay
wow yeah i like her
did did it smell like jizz
no it smelled like
fairy princesses
fairy princesses
yeah it was cute
she’s a nice person
i bet she is you
could meet her if you ever went to the
ufcs really
i kind of have an obsession with her do you really yeah
what is the obsession
like she does so many
things that i
would not do
and it’s just cool and
exciting and she’s pretty
and she wrote a book that was good
you actually liked her book i
loved her book i’ve read it like
three times i bought it in high
school and i used to have to put
like a fake
cover over it so i
could read it in high
school no one
would know what i was reading
whoa yeah um
so was that like like
like inspiring to you like what
not i mean yeah
when you say that she does like a lot of
things that you
wouldn’t do
yeah like she’s a porn star right
and she’s just so different from me like i’m
like a little
thank you brian
brian just put a floppy dick
esther’s lap
ones they made them
it’s sort of a
proof of concept device
like they didn’t make it so that anyone
can use it obviously because it’s too soft and it
wouldn’t really be functional
unless you just into
but they just wanted to show that they
could get this
dick it’s very
it’s disturbing you know
and it’s circumcised too
yeah it’s soft
it’s kind of
crazy that the norm is to cut a
chunk of your dick off
that’s the norm
right you know you someone said
this to me i don’t remember who it was they’re talking
about if you had a boy
would you circumcise it
i said no i said it’s i think it’s
ridiculous i go what you want to chop a piece
of of skin off someone’s
dick and it makes it less sensitive and the whole deal
and he goes
yeah but it looks better
that’s what i expect
that’s ridiculous
it does look better but i don’t does it really
though really i
think so i don’t
know i don’t know i don’t get it have you had both
no i haven’t oh
have you seen the other one
in person and no not in person
but i think
when it’s soft yeah it looks very animal like it’s
scary yeah when it’s soft it’s like the
skins over it it’s like an elephant dick it’s just like
i’ve never seen it soft
whoa what the
fuck are you talking
about it’s always
gonna rock hard well that’s you you’re just very sexy
circumcised men around you they can’t help themselves
it’s um it’s a terrible
thing you’re
chomping at
i mean people like oh it’s hygiene you know
these people in africa
it’s ridiculous it’s not a hygiene
issue yeah i’m sort of
against it because it’s a looks issue yeah
but whatever why are you sort of
against it yeah because like
it’s like you
said it’s cutting skin off and that seems just wrong
it’s not like
it helps anything you know it’s not like
you cut skin off and then you can see behind your back
like oh you have an eyeball back there but there’s an
extra piece of skin let’s get rid of that skin
dude there’s an eyeball back here this is
crazy you don’t believe in like having
umbilical cords
still like it’s grown
at all yeah no i do
that’s stupid what
well i mean you like
don’t want to modify the body how it is you know
well you that’s
not a good analogy
at all it’s a terrible analogy
that’s all he ever does
brian will fucking stop any conversations
that this tracks
with some silly nonsense
but it’s funny
doing it to her
cause she gets
angry and mad
no i appreciate a good analogy
so when a bad one is presented to me
explain a good one then that’s also like that like
piercing your ears you’re modifying
a little teeny
piece of your body your skin
but that’s for like
an aesthetic thing
well so is the dick
thing yeah what else is it for the
issue is that it changes the functionality of the penis
you no longer like when the foreskin is over your penis
your penis is much more sensitive
because it’s protected
now your penis is all
calloused and
tired out rolling
against your
underwear and
rubbing against your leg it’s like
the tip part is really supposed to be protected
by skin so that it makes it even more sensitive
so you’d have
way more problems with premature ejaculation
apparently because it
would just feel even better
as good as it feels now
it feel even
crazy better
you know people are
gonna want it to feel better but that’s
ridiculous why
would you not
want more sensitivity you know we like to talk
about penises a little we do so i
got to warn you
i don’t normally get to talk
about penises so yeah
right i don’t
all my stand up is very clean
so is jenna
jameson the only
you’re not though you’re
dirty right no yes you are my
stand up is
clean are you kidding you’re not
dirty as in
fuck fuck fuck but you’re
dirty as in
the subjects you bring up
no they’re not all
right abortion jokes are not really
those are insults i like to insult
abortion insults
yeah i like to insult
hot women because some of them are mean to me
and they put
me so so you insult them with abortion jokes no
well okay like
people say that
blondes have more fun that’s fine i’ve
never had to have an abortion so that’s
that’s the joke
that’s not that bad
i’ve never had to have an abortion
you know it is kind of a
tricky thing if you really
break it down as to what it is i mean
it’s alive you know
it’s inside your body you’re hosting it and
you get to terminate
that because it’s inside your body you get to pull the
trigger but
oh that’s a
crazy gray area
because when it comes out it becomes a person and
it’s very strange i mean i
understand why people
would do it
i do as well
obviously because
i have nightmares
about having children and it’s not happening but it’s
i don’t know
it’s just basically saying that
blonde women are whores and i don’t
i particularly
blondes but jenna
jameson is a huge
like your big idol well
she is but i like
it’s i’m really just insulting like the blonde
it’s not all the specific ones specific
ones that like
are mean to me and like picked on me in high school
i’m what did they used to do to you no
like throw like bloody tampons at you when
you walk down the hall and sometimes no i just did a
pilot audition
where that happened to me okay
every audition i’ve ever been on the
breakdowns are traumatizing
cause i’m listed as unattractive
and like chubby
but anyway so like
tell us what these
before you go
anywhere this obviously something happened
so tell us what
what these boys
did to you no
that makes you want to
bring them up specifically
um nothing really i just think that
sometimes like you go out and you see like
the hot chicks that like wear mini
skirts and tons of makeup and like i’m
when i’m ever in
their vicinity like i’m
like this like in
jeans and a
t shirt and
sneakers and i feel like they like look at me and
think i’m like retarded
okay but are they actually doing anything
to you or they just looking hot you getting angry
um they’re just looking hot and i get
angry whoa no that’s weird
no they’re mean
to me they’re mean to you okay let’s go there
how are they
mean to you okay well when i used to go to like i
would go to
movies and people
would follow me into the
movie theater and like yell
things at me like
they were mean like i was picked
on like what you face or
stinky fart like esther
the molester
you molested
so these are girls
that you knew
yeah i think people just picked on me because i like
was a nerd isn’t
that normal
yes that’s normal yeah yeah
but it’s just
those cunts that you grew up with
right now it’s not necessarily all blonde
women trust
me i believe i love hot i have a blog that’s called
esther with hot
chicks dot com and i just take
pictures with hot people and talk
about them really yeah one of the
pictures is me at brittany murphy’s grave site
it’s great it’s just a
picture of her
and there’s like this like square of flowers
on the ground and she’s just sitting there like i like
i love it don’t get me
wrong i love
attractive women like i’m obsessed with them to the
point of like i
could be a lesbian
but there’s some ones
that i just they get me mad and i don’t like them
so i wanna say mean things
about them like if they
basically this started
also too because i get heckled a lot by hot
chicks and they’re like you’re a dork
and like i just come back at them like no
you’re a disgusting
filthy whore and no one likes you and i’m not
gonna listen to
you because i’m not interested in having sex with you
wow so their
tricks don’t work on you they’re hot
chick i’m not a
but i might
think you have an issue
i don’t have an
issue there
might be an
issue here it seems like
it certainly seems like it’s an
issue what’s the issue
well i mean you’ve got an anger
towards a very specific group
part of the
population which are
girls that are attractive
no i don’t i like them you’ve
equated them with cunts
with assholes but is that
wrong but yeah because you made it
attractive like they’re
attractive and they’re cunts
so it’s really like what it is is like being
attractive they have this
extra gift that you wish you had
no they’re hotter they’re in the group
and then the cunt part
is like well they’re just cunts
but you’ve thrown it all together
just the fact that they’re
attractive it’s really
it doesn’t mean anything that’s true they’re just
assholes some of them if they’re hot and they’re nice
they’re great but i
think that if a hot
woman is mean
it’s like the biggest disservice to the
world because
you’re not representing beauty but yeah but
they’re just
but you see what i’m saying
like you don’t necessarily have to lump in hot
along with cunt
that’s like
just so happens that they’re hot but the real
issue is that their cunt
yeah and that’s your enemy
it’s the cunts it’s not
hot girls but sometimes people like to see the nerdy
jew girl attack
they’d like to know that i’m attacking the hot women
right right
but if you do it for no reason it’s one
thing if you’re attacking
the hot cunts it’s not for no reason absolutely
okay but it seems like you have a reason that
maybe they might not be involved in personally
there might be a reason it’s like you’re
going back to four years ago
and they’re in
the moment and they’re like what the fuck is this chick
screaming to me for
just cause i’m hot
no cause they’re conti
they’re conti
right but they’re just
conti see what i’m saying it’s like
the hot part is
irrelevant it
doesn’t mean anything
well it just makes it
worse because not only are they acting a certain way
they’re getting
treated a certain way because they’re
hotter because
they’re the
ultimate enemy
to a girl probably is a hot
chick that is also a cunt
so really the problem is weak dudes that are willing to
treat hot chicks
in a superior way
but i understand
it i get it
i do understand it they’re like hot
chicks are like
super celebrities
when i see it
literally if
i go out and see like a really pretty girl like
wearing like a hot outfit
i just like look at her like she’s a princess and like
wanna talk to her
and if she’s nice then
so you have this love hate
thing going
on yes i do very
strong i may be a
lesbian and i just don’t know it yet
have you made out with girls and
stuff um yes my
freshman year of high school
i can i see that
flashlight real
quick i made a
videotape with
two other girls in my high
school that was
us making out and
touching each
other’s boobs
and it made us very popular
wow so you guys released it online or no
did you have it
i do but i don’t
know how to play it because it’s not like an old
i know brian
knows how to play it
also totally you just need the cables
brian knows how to get it online
yeah it’s also illegal because i was 13 no no no no we
could put cat faces on the heads they’ll never know
yeah you know that’s a
tricky thing man you can’t really
if they could
prove that she was 15 you know how dangerous that is
yeah girls are getting arrested high
school girls are getting arrested
because they send boys
pictures of
their pussy
and that’s child pornography
so this woman
yeah i mean it’s sexting
that’s what everyone’s calling it
sexting but
the courts are calling
child pornography
right it’s just a cute name to use so it
doesn’t sound like you’re sending
child pornography yeah
yeah this one girl
she’s 15 years old
and they arrested her for
child pornography
cause she sent some boys
pictures of her
pussy and then he sent them to everybody
and she was obviously the source
so and they all got fucked everyone was in trouble
and so they
they wound up like taking it to
court and they
moved it they
changed the charge to
possession of criminal tools
oh my god so instead of
child pornography
possession of criminal tools because her phone
her cell phone
was a tool for crime
cause she took a
picture of her
pussy with her cell phone like
man we need some new laws
like we need some new laws to
catch up with
2010 and this
technology because we’re
using like fucking
smoke signals and you
know the pony express i mean we’re
using that kind of technology
to deal with kids you know
if we’re in an area
where kids have
phones and the
phones have cameras
they’re gonna take
pictures of
their assholes
yeah they’re just
gonna do everything they’re
gonna take pictures of
everything they can they’re kids they’re curious
they’re more
likely to do if they know they’re not supposed
to they don’t have any willpower they don’t know
that things are
gross or embarrassing or shocking
right illegal or yeah they make terrible choices
we need some new laws man
they need some new laws
do you still film yourself
like a lot like
by yourself no
not at all do you ever want to be a porn star
no i think when i was younger
i was like that
a little bit and then i sort of went through like
a transition of
liking stand up comedy
yeah so how’d you get in the
stand up with the
porn laced job
the message
they go together a lot like sam tripoli’s naughty
show the porn
mixed with comedy
it just seems like salt and pepper it just seems like
they’re supposed to go together for sure but
they do go together well because it’s like
you can’t take
yourself too seriously with either one of them
right you know
and you look down upon
by a lot of people too you know and
you have to be like
mentally disturbed to do both yeah
yeah the reason why you get into all of them
is there’s a deficit
there’s always an
unusual need for attention
it’s either touched by your
mother or hit by your father
just mental and
it doesn’t necessarily
i’ve actually met
comics that have good families
they’re funny yeah
porn stars i haven’t
i’ve never met
a porn star that
doesn’t come from some
chaos right
have you seen that what’s that one porn star that’s
dad is like the porn star manager
have you seen that was like on that hbo show
i did see that
i don’t remember her name i feel like it’s
sunny lane no is it
sunny lane sunny lane
maybe sunny lane
is that it yeah
it might be
google that shit real quick
but it was the most disturbing
thing if you
haven’t seen it she was
on the show with her parents who manage her porn career
and they were talking
about how terrific it is it’s so awesome
she won the number one
video of the year that’s our daughter
they’re all like all
excited and shit it was like it was
so twisted and weird
and then she
wound up working
as a whore in a brothel
and the dad was talking
about the brothel like well they give
they feed them they give them
food i saw that it was
clean like whoa
truckers can
just come in there and fuck your little baby’s
mouth and that’s not
weird to you
all they have to do is come up with 150
bucks or whatever it costs they can fuck your baby’s
mouth and you’re
happy about it yeah well they feed her
they fear dick
they feed it
sick dick all day
yeah it was a very disturbing but i think
any kid that comes from
that background
you know you’re just you know that’s your parents
probably your shits
gonna fall this yeah
any chick that comes from that
background is
just fuck man what chance do you have i mean
you know that’s the one
thing that i see so
clearly having babies
you see how you behave with them and how
you know you can influence
their behavior and calm them down and put them
get them to
think about
things like explain
things to them you know
we don’t do this because if we do this then it’s
gonna hurt other people’s feelings
and then you have
them repeat it yeah
we’re gonna hurt
other people’s feelings so we don’t
wanna do that and she’ll like stop herself and say
things like that to me
so it’s like
her mind is off in the
right direction yeah but
if you’re if that’s your mom or you know if that’s your
dad you can act one way but if your dad is like you
stupid fucking cunt
you’re just like your mother
and then also
and you’re too
and you’re like
don’t think that that’s not happening
i mean people are out there
there’s a story i read it was a
story a guy who was with his
girlfriend’s baby and it wasn’t his baby
the baby was two years old he beat it to death
two years old
so i don’t think that i mean ninety i
think in my opinion ninety nine
percent of all the problems that we have in our society
it’s the way people are raised ninety nine i totally
agree people raising
get the fuck out of here with this who is calling me
during the podcast how rude
i love it robot
voice my mom
she heard i was talking about her
calls from diaz
is not paying attention to the podcast
what the fuck
what the fuck cocksucker you
i’m calling put me online you don’t got the technology
brian get that shit together come on cocksucker
i want to be able to call in
i got questions
99 in my opinion
i mean that’s
a fake number i just pulled it on my ass no but i
agree with it
a good chunk of the reason
we’re fucked
is because the way people raise kids
you know no one is raising kids
to to look at the entire
human races one
giant organism
and just to be as cool as possible to make as many
positive connections as possible
we’re all raising kids
to fucking go out there and compete and go kick ass and
be the best and make
money and get ahead and
and then what die
you know it’s fuck
we’re messing it all up
we’re not enjoying the time here
you know we have all this fucking cool shit
going on in this country and everybody’s pissed off
about the future
it was sunny lane by the way her
parents yeah they show her
parents packing
they show parents her parents packing
for her like putting
clothes inside
her suitcase
here’s your
toothbrush and here’s your
ass cream oh my god i
watch one of her porns
after that i felt so
dirty she’s
so cute i felt like i shouldn’t have been
watching it like
i was like her counselor or something like that i was
watching her porn
yeah you know you know i’m
saying like i felt like i knew she was fucked up then
you know i knew there was just a lot of issues
and then i watched this
video and i’m like ew
what am i doing
am i watching her suck someone’s dick for rose
so die ant were
yeah yeah you said
the ant word
it’s funny because i’ve
been for those who don’t know it’s
from south africa i
think though the american
way of saying it because even jim
kim jimmy kimmel
said die and
word or something like that he didn’t say it like all
weird and i
think it’s just like an american way to say and
maybe he just fucked up
because i pre
pre told dawn
and then he went and
checked on it
and yeah and they all said it the same way
hmm the guy from
south africa told me it was dee ant verde
danford who’s dee ant verde
but let’s listen to
ninja say it
put on that
zefside video
and listen to him say all right
have you familiar with them
esther i’ve
heard a little
bit i’m obsessed really i’m obsessed with them because
it’s so legitimate
it’s like in this
world of like
mean not there’s anything
wrong with lady gaga
i think lady gaga is very talented i really do
i like her i
think she’s talented she’s got a
great voice she’s hot she’s got a killer body
and you know she’s out there making
noise i mean for whatever reason but
it’s not working on me
you know i’m saying
it’s like i
see what you’re doing
i see that you’re working it and i appreciate
the mastery of you know working it and controlling the
media and having all
these people on your side and
lady gaga doesn’t work for you
you don’t like
she’s not saying shit to me really
it’s all just
your singing songs and you’re wearing meat
on your tits and it’s like okay
if you’re not it’s not
legit to me so
listen it’s not
what i’m saying is it’s not
it’s not someone
who is being it’s not genuine to me
these people are like what they’re doing is like this
fucking first of all it’s ugly
they look dirty
they have fucked up hair
this guy’s get the shittiest
tattoos ever
you know he knows he’s ugly as fuck
you know what
i mean and she’s ugly too though she’s hot
she’s hot no she’s hot i
think she’s hot but she has a like
sort of an ugly face
dude the girl you mean lady gaga
oh lady gaga
i thought you were talking
about yolani
oh no i wanna see her though i
heard you guys saying that she was sexy
yeah lady gaga’s got a funky mug
but you know what that’s why she’s working so hard
if she was hot as fuck
she’d be like
those cuts to the club with
no ambition exactly
that’s why you have to be a little bit i
appreciate it i
appreciate lady gaga don’t get me
wrong i’m not saying there’s anything
wrong with her i mean it’s not my kind of
music there’s a couple of songs that i enjoy
but it’s it’s not it’s boring to me that bum poker
feels like this is
this is the real shit
this is a this is a
what’s his name ninja
that high tech
whatever his name is
well just just hit
play this is yo
dj hawk deck
drop the motherfucking beatbox
dog i love the
south african accent to
bring that next level shit
oh yeah what are you talking about check it out
and somebody did
was on this i saw the phone on my phone
open sweats dreaming
flash cleaning that’s feeling high energy
speaking keep meaning flick when i say things
like this chicken and g string
can i touch you friend
where’s the saying in it it’s in the video
are you playing the video or you playing the itunes
itunes version okay well you don’t have to
it says the advert and they says what is the answer
yeah and they goes the answer to what goes whatever
actually i like lady gaga
music i like that song operator
where she’s like telephone where like
you know like it
starts scrambling up in
the song just like if you were talking on a cell phone
right you know is it
good yeah yeah i like that
i think that’s a good song
it is don’t get me
wrong i think she’s creative no i like that
music too though
yeah i’d like
dirty people
i like dirty people
i like people
with fucking dirt
under the fingernails
stinky breath
good stories
when i first met
her she didn’t wear deodorant
it had to talk her into wearing oh my god
are we being open
about our situation here on the show
as being friends
you guys being pals yeah
making video for friends
and you just
smelled her and you’re like hey this has got to change
right used to be like that too though
like you didn’t like wearing deodorant at one
point still though i like
smelling like a
monkey yeah
so does she
i think that if a man likes the way my
underarms smell then
we’re a good match
really yeah he can deal with a lot of
other things
well yeah i just i
think it’s like a genetic
or like whatever it is
but yeah you don’t want to
deal with some weak dudes
pushed off by a little
underarm set
yeah and i think it’s cute
i like fragile that’s a
great conversation but when you’re trying
to be a struggling actress and then she was on the
jimmy kimmel show as
her brother
no sister as her sister
and her part was
jimmy kimmel’s
head right underneath her armpit
and can you imagine it was
stinking no
no she was probably
stinking i doubt it well
maybe did you
think hamill
called you back did you wash yourself
before you went on
well i got the call to do that show like
literally i had 30 minutes to get there so no
so when you got there did you
smell your underarms and give a little check
um yeah i’m pretty sure i was fine
you’re pretty sure
no one ever
thinks they
stink though
yeah but imagine
jimmy kimmel’s nose
right in her armpit for like how long did it take
to film that shit not that long
30 minutes yeah
it’s probably gonna
think oh this girl
stinks so you have to have a perfect
stinky girl yeah
you have to be like a professional
aren’t you a
vegan you’re a vegan
right yeah i’m currently vegan so
when people talk
vegans they’ll automatically think
stinky feet
weeds but i’m not like a hippie
like i’m not like i
literally just
think it’s i don’t know i like it because
i think dairy is bad for you
and it makes me
feel sick if that’s diaz jose we got a fucking problem
but soy milk actually
tastes pretty good like soy
milk lattes
that motherfucker
just put your phone off the hook
yeah i can’t it’s not it’s in the other room
you just have the
he’s one of those add
guys that’ll keep calling it
where are you where are you
and then when you answer he’ll get
angry at you what the fuck cock sucker
i called you five fucking times
i got can i take a nap is it okay if i take
a nap i called you cock sucker you don’t call me back
don’t call me back what the fuck’s going on
funny i’m sorry
we’re talking about
hippies and so you became i’m not a hippie i’m
sorry i became a vegan
you’re not a hippie
you’re vegan yeah
because dairy is bad for you just want
to do it for health reasons yeah for health reasons
basically yeah and i thought
about doing that yeah
it’s good i feel better and i like it’s easy though and
los angeles
to do it because there’s so many restaurants that have
vegan like cake
and you know
stuff like that
that’s what you need cake yeah
well i’m like really concerned
about animals but i want to make sure that there’s
cake there’s cake available
then i can do it right
well when you don’t
smoke or drink there’s very few things you have in life
right right
right right
why don’t you try drinking no mellowly like wine
i know a lot of people
enjoy wine you just don’t like the taste of it on
my 21st birthday i went out to dinner with my parents
and had a glass of wine and i had
one sip and spit it
right back i was so gross i couldn’t
handle it wine’s an acquired taste but i like it
i don’t know why people acquire taste though
i tried to acquire the taste of caviar once i was on a
plane they serve caviar
and i’m like okay i’ll try this i’m like this is ass
this is so stupid
like why would anybody pay a lot of money for this
stupid tasting
thing it tastes like it
smells like it tastes what worms
smell like like
after a rain it’s a weird
thing like it’s not that bad it’s a weird thing is like
why would you acquire a taste for something to
taste shitty yeah unless it’s like super healthy
but wine i like i genuinely like it and i
think it’s an acquired taste
which i just you know contradicted myself but
it goes well with certain
things like if you’re eating like meat
like steak like big juicy red
rib eye and you’re just chewing into that and you just
feel that blood and that texture
and then you have a little swig
of merlot to go with that ah
so it’s probably the best thing held
in the whole entire
world it’s fucking
good then it’s good then it’s good then it’s just like
they go together somehow or another
but if you’re
just like hanging out with your friends and it’s
hot outside and like let me get a
glass of wine
it’s like yeah why do you
want you know you’d
rather have
gatorade or wine
you probably have to
start off with wine coolers
i think that’s how everyone
starts off as
drinking wine coolers and then
one day you go i’m
gonna get a chardonnay
or a pinot greasy
yes here’s the
thing if i’m not interested in it like what
what’s the point in
starting i feel like it only is
gonna cause
trouble in my life wines
gonna cause
trouble like
drinking i’ve never
i’ve never been drunk
well you know there’s there’s
there’s that i mean you
could look at it that way or you
could look at it that you’re not
going to have as much fun
right i mean it’s true
these are mean this is a
legit way of looking at it
i mean people will
argue you know way
sober people have plenty of fun
sober people
i’m gonna say this and i love you
but you’re not nearly as interesting
it’s not all my
funny friends all my fascinating friends
all either smoke pot or
do mushrooms or do something and they fuck around with
their mind it’s just
everything in moderation
you don’t have
to even not look at
stan hope there’s no moderation there it’s just
everything while you’re alive
yeah but it
should be that’s what you
should focus your
whole entire life on
everything in moderation
except like heroin
i agree but
that’s for me and you
maybe but i think for
other people they really don’t mind burning the candle
at both ends and seeing how long it takes till they die
right i mean if you really look at it all objectively
it’s like what is this an 80
year trip a 90 year trip if you’re lucky
it ends for everybody
if it’s not that enjoyable
isn’t there an argument for a much more
enjoyable fucking
completely chaotic
47 years oh my god you know you
feel sick drugs and alcohol yeah
until you get your shit and then you level off
i mean look i’m not saying
it’s the way to go it’s certainly not the way to go but
it’s a way to go
it’s a way to go you know and
it’s a way that’s
produced a lot of pretty fucking incredible artwork
that’s you know
every great
musician every
great comedian
they’ve all fucked
their head up they’ve all done it
every single one of them
prior kennison
mitch hedberg
i mean just go down
stanhope go down the line of all the guys that i really
appreciate watching they’re all fucking
either potheads or they’ve done
a bunch of crazy shit and
lived a fucked up life so it’s not
i mean it’s not your yogi v
you know eating
beans and sitting in the lotus position way to go
but that way ends too man that
way fucking
shits out and you’re crapping in your fucking loin
cloth and that’s a wrap
no that’s the dilemma
that i have is like a lot of the comedians
that i’m friends with
constantly tell me you’ll
write better
you’ll be more creative
so that’s sort of what’s making me
it’s made me consider
it but well it’s also
a testament
to your character though that you’ve got this
thing in your head
where you don’t want to be a fuck up
you know it’s
like you have like like a plan or you have
you know a guideline that it’s like
safe to operate in
you know you’re looking at like i don’t want to be a
loser i don’t
want to be this i don’t want to be that
so i don’t want
to fuck around with drugs i don’t want to be like all
these people
i mean there’s that’s that’s
legit too have you ever become addicted to something
so drastically before that you’re just it scares
you to try things like i mean you barely want to take
tylenol you told me you know like you don’t like taking
um i’m not it’s
not like i’ve ever been addicted to anything
crate like no but i
i think okay growing up my parents i’ve
never seen them
drink they don’t
drink and they don’t do they don’t
smoke or it just
it was never around it
and also i think it comes back to like high school
all the cool people
started drinking
and i was like oh i get it but i don’t need to do that
right now and i just sort of never
started so you’re a rebel
in being sober
uh yeah i guess you’re
fighting the
status quo you guys want to train and
party have a good time
i’m gonna listen
to morrissey and cry
fuck you exactly and suffer from my
heart no i mean yeah
i’m really surprised you’re not really religious
because it seems
and you’re fucked up in all
these other ways
how come you haven’t found
jesus yeah do you think you’ll ever find jesus
is that right around the
corner for you no my brain is too big for that whoa
strong words well what do you think
about scientists and all these
really intelligent
educated people that become christians
i don’t know i if someone provides me with evidence and
proof i’ll take a look at it but i i didn’t
i wasn’t raised with any religion
and i i mean i
would like to believe in god and i
think that people that do believe
in god lead much happier better lives than i ever will
but i just can’t
that’s an interesting
thing isn’t it
that a lot of people who are like
super christian
it’s like they have the answer they have d antwoord
in their head
and because of that
they have like a
piece about them
they believe that this is
going to end it’s
going to go on to the next
thing and all this
could be ironed out
if we just made
ayahuasca legal
if all these people that have
these religious ideas of all
these people
that are confused and don’t know what the fuck’s
gonna happen
if they really got a chance to go over to the spirit
world and you can do it if you want to go to peru
want to go on a shamanic vacation
it cost you like a few hundred
bucks and you get to
stay in a hut for a few days
and then i’ll just cook up ayahuasca
and you’ll sit around and
drink it with the shaman and they’ll blow tobacco
smoke in your face
and you will fucking
travel to the
spirit world
where you will get to see
what it’s like on the
other side you will get to talk to your dead
ancestors you’ll get to
commune with mother
earth and see the
leopards and the fucking
jaguars and the
snakes and the trees
you could do it
do you know what
ayahuasca is no
ayahuasca is this
crazy jungle
brew it’s a
brew that they’ve made by combining two plants
and these people have
been taking it for thousands and thousands of years
and they go over there
and they have trips
like people can have trips like we’re you know they’ll
organize like big vacations
well they’ll you know send 20 30 people into
the jungle you know you got to take like a boat to get
these fuckers
you know they’re
like living like people been living for thousands
and thousands of years very difficult to get to them
and then you can do
ayahuasca with them
what like who decides to go do that a lot of people do
they want to you
know there’s a lot of people that have had
see we don’t think
about it in this country because it’s all illegal all
those drugs are
scheduled on drugs
but in a lot of
countries for thousands of years
everyone’s had these
rite of passage things in
their life you know i mean for some people it’s pain
like there’s
tribes in the amazon that
they have these
gloves with bullet
ants in them
it’s the craziest thing
i found it online on youtube you
could find it
these guys the bullet ant
apparently one ant sting
is like literally getting shot by a bullet it’s like
my friend described
it as like feeling like he got his arm
slammed in a car door over and over
again for hours
he said is the most intense and excruciating pain
and they stick
their hands
into these gloves that are filled with bullet ants
and the bullet
ants just jack them and they have to keep the
gloves on for like 10 minutes
and then for
hours and hours
they’re crying they’re in
incredible agony
but these are
rites of passages and
these rites of passage the idea is that
you have to have something that perturbs your normal
state of consciousness something that completely
blasts you out of this current like
this mundane
state of existence in order
to signify that you’ve made a transition
like this is
gonna be a very difficult
thing to do but once you’ve done this very difficult
thing then the regular life normal life you’re gonna
appreciate this so much more you’re gonna feel
like privilege you’re
gonna feel like you’ve made this
right of passage like you’ve become someone
evolved you
know you’ve reached the next
level in the video game
well with ayahuasca
these rituals were totally painless but
psychologically very
scary for people
because you’re
literally giving up control of your consciousness
and connecting to this
this web of consciousness that surrounds
every life form on the planet
and every life form that ever
existed they’re all interconnected somehow and
you realize during the four
hours that you’re on this trip
you realize that my god like i’m
everything’s insignificant
it’s not just that you’re insignificant its
earth is insignificant but it’s not
at the same time
it’s like it’s all
connected in this
weird strange way that we don’t
understand and the way i was described is that life
might be just one
frame in an infinite
movie that lasts forever
you know i mean
you really do have to look at it like that well
ayahuasca provides this vision
ayahuasca provides
you with this idea this way of looking at the
world and that’s
totally illegal
it sounds interesting
but it also
sounds to me my
first thought is very
very dangerous
yeah but not see but the dmt
the chemical that it makes is a chemical that your own
brain produces wow
so it’s not dangerous at all
i mean nobody’s
dying from this
stuff but people dying from
cigarettes people
dying from alcohol they’re
dying from a million different
things that they’re not
worried about
but people are
worried about
doing this crazy
thing well this
crazy thing is
scary because you’re
gonna give up control you’re
gonna go someplace you’re gonna
but that’s what
these rites of passages are all
about that’s what like
really really
figuring out like really having a better view
of life you know like
like like you really feel like you’re evolving
one of the best ways to do that is to just
really objectively look
at what this life is
and it’s very hard to do that
while you’re in it
and what these
psychedelic drugs do is they
pull you out of this life and they let you look at it
i mean they are religious
this is the root of all religious
experiences in
psychedelics i believe
so you can do it
right now try some
so these people who have all
done these like all throughout the past you know
i think that’s probably the original
religious story
and then somewhere
along the line
they got twisted and more
twisted and more
twisted and then
instead of like seeing god as like
like really god is us and we’re all together in this
thing and it’s this weird
sort of like
insane momentum behind like all life
in the universe
everything together all this one big thing
but you can’t really see it in your
everyday life
and it allows you see it when you take
and theogens or when you take
mushrooms or something like that and i
think that was the original message of all that shit
so that’s why religion is good for you
i mean that’s why religion like why it can help you
like people that do it live a happier life
because in the way they’re right
i mean they’re not really
right that there’s a dude in the
clouds with a harp and he’s
gonna book and st
peter goes so what have you done
i see how you did this there’s not that it’s not that
but there is
something else i mean it’s very very likely that
we are just like one part of a much much much bigger
thing well yeah i don’t
doubt that i just
right i guess i
just don’t believe and i don’t like to hear people talk
about you’re
gonna go to hell
yeah that’s obnoxious to me
that’s the negative aspect
but the positive
aspect i met a lot of christians that were really
happy really
nice people because they really did believe
that they were a part of something bigger
they really did
believe that they were doing the work of someone bigger
they really are
i mean it really
when you’re doing positive shit
i mean although the the
ideals of christianity the real ones are
you know love your brother as you
would love yourself don’t commit
crime don’t commit murder don’t
fuck your neighbor’s wife like that kind of shit yeah
i’m a subscriber
to all that
stuff there’s a lot of
other stuff thrown in there like you’re allowed to have
slaves and beat
but you know you
gotta know that some douchebag
stuck that in there they’ll put
it in right here
right here 50
slave and fuck him in the ass
you know but the
root of it all like the ideas behind it it’s obviously
clearly a guideline for living life
and being happy
and creating
a harmonious
culture i think that’s all you need i
think that’s
good the root of all those
almost positively
has come from
psychedelic drugs
crazy murderous
monkeys that ran around taking drugs
and they sat back and just went whoa wait a
minute what are we doing here what is this
it’s not just me it’s not just you
we’re a part
of a web a network the trees are intelligent
the dirt is
alive and they just
have this intense feeling for you know five six
hours or however long it is
depending on how many mushrooms they’ve eaten
and then they
start to rethink
i think i’m turned off by the word drugs like
the you know
like if you think
about it like they’re just consuming
things in nature and this is happening
that sounds a little different to
me yeah well that’s because drugs
the idea we’ve
put it as pills and that fuck your
world up this recreational
thing the problem is
how can you have one word for
everything how
can you have one word that includes coffee
and cigarettes and heroin
you know like how are
those together you shouldn’t
how is coffee and meth
together how are they in the same drug but they are
how is rockstar energy drink
how is that and i
should have it like a drug one through ten like it’s a
drug one but here’s the problem
schedule one
right schedule one is like the
least dangerous shit it’s marijuana
heroin like the laws are
completely fucked up
mushrooms are
schedule one nobody’s
dying off mushrooms they need to
start off a
little bit slower than that though and he’s be like
level one like you know
caffeine and you know it
should go through
all drugs you know
that’s a level six
yeah should be logical
yeah you know i
think i’m such a control
freak like i’ve
heard people talk
about mushrooms and it
sounds like oh you go through this exciting
experience and
that’s really
cool but what if i’m like i don’t know i feel like i
would just get
freaked out
and be like
take it away like make it stop you
might because
that’s what happens if you try to control the trip
if you’re really
worried and you look
you what you’re doing is very difficult okay
you’re a single girl you’re
twenty two years old and you’re committing to do
stand up comedy
in los angeles
and your you
weigh about
thirty five pounds
and you look like you’re twelve
i mean what you’re doing is that’s a fucking dangerous
thing did you have any friends out here
yeah my best friend from college
was on here and so you
moved out here
with her with him
i met him here yeah
well you know what you’re doing is very very
risky and i bet
your mind in your mind you want
to minimize all the outside risks as much as possible
yeah and i like i’m not
against it morally at all i mean if i
you know i’ve
achieved nothing so far so it’s like once i
start to get
somewhere and feel
accomplished i’m sure that i will sit back and like
take a hit of something right
no i totally know what you’re saying i
totally know
where you’re coming from
when i was a kid
when i did martial arts i
never did any drugs i
never did anything
i had only drunk
or gotten drunk
maybe like i
could count on my hands on my fingers
like maybe eight nine times my
whole high school career you know was like my friends
would be fucking hammered all the time i’d be
going to parties but i don’t even is
eight times so it’s probably less than that
all throughout high
school all i did was
so i always thought the same way i always thought that
drugs are for
losers yeah
alcohol and drugs and you know when i
smoke cigarettes you’re
gonna be a zero it’s
gonna fuck you up
and you know
until i was like 30
that i smoke pot really
yeah yeah i
think i may be done it once or
twice like over the years like
drunk at a party or something like that
but it was never like oh i’m gonna
smoke pot and like
think about shit
never i would
never even think of that i’d be like you fucking loser
you need pot to
think about shit you fucking pussy
like that’s was my
mentality but
it was the same reason it was like i was like
hyper control
freak i was trying to like be
successful i
didn’t want to be a
loser i was
gonna fucking go and i had a very similar attitude
that you do
about all these this
anger that you have all
towards these hot chicks
you know i mean i had that same
thing you know
but towards
you know i don’t know who it
was it was a lot of different people i probably was fat
asian man much less specific no i’ve always enjoyed
fighting fat
asian men yeah
most of them are really nice guys
i totally know where you come
from don’t let anybody talk you into it but
thank you the idea is
once you become like a little bit more
stable with your life
you know then you
start considering the idea of you know just
fucking around with your consciousness
right and you don’t have to do dangerous shit though
yeah start off slow
yeah start off with shotgunning weed
off you know
whatever with another person and then next move on to
just if you’re gonna smoke weed just
smoke know who you’re smoking with and just
smoke a tiny bit yeah
just like a little baby hit
you know because then you’ll just be like
huh you just be like relax and
silly and then you’ll
just have cool conversation you won’t be paranoid
you know like so many people come to me and they
go dude i tripod you was listening to your tripod i got
fucking super paranoid man i totally fucking
freaked out
i couldn’t drive i had to stay in my friend’s
house like eight
hours his wife is trying to kick me out
it’s always this terrible terrible
story i’m like yeah
well you got too high
stupid yeah you
weren’t supposed to
smoke five joints your
first time hey you’re not supposed to fucking time
travel right you know
when you smoke too much
weed man you just lose time you just you end up in play
when i was in high
school i got
super super high me and my friend josh and my
girlfriend there was
one time that i deviated from my plan
and we were like 15
and my stepfather had
weed and it was really good weed my stepfather was a
super hippie
he was like long hair computer programmer the
whole deal and he had some bomb ass weed
and it was one of the reasons also that i never
smoked weed
is i just always
assumed that it was terrible for you because of the
experience so
we were over my
house and we smoked this pot and then we
would just appear in rooms
i was like blip
now i’m in the kitchen
how’d i get in the
kitchen blip now i’m on the
couch i mean we were all doing this
i mean we were
our little 15 year old weak ass
brains were way too
just there’s
no way we had the
experience to deal with this kind of weed
it was craziness
and from then on i was like i
could just be
fucking i just wake up in traffic driving
you know like what if that happened what if i have
flashbacks you know
to me i considered like wow i dodged that bullet i
learned that pots for
losers you know
it’s not even the case
i didn’t get
stoned the first time i did it i
would get stoned like
three times or something like that and nothing
would ever happen
and then finally one day i got two
stoned and i just wanted to
watch cartoons all day
you should try
and it’s good for your asthma
even though you say it’s bad for your
asthma it’s actually really good for your asthma i know
the smoke is not good for my asthma though
you don’t have to
smug it to there’s a
thing called a
vaporizer yeah and
vaporizer just makes mist
and when it makes this mist it’s really pretty cool
the mist it like it seems like
like you’re blowing fog almost out of your mouth
and like a lot
of people go too deep because like i don’t even
this is not even feeling there’s no smoke
like they feel like they’re not getting enough
but you are you’re getting the burned off
thc crystals only
yeah for you
you’d want only like
three volcano bags
yeah three full bags of volcano
definitely good
for you to contemplate suicide
thinking about jumping off a bridge help
me i’m suicidal you start
freaking the fuck out i saw the craziest
thing i saw her do
stand up the
other day and i told you
about it but
it was amazing
there was a
saddle ranch
oh it was like the
worst audience ever
it was just people rowdy
not paying attention the
comics were channel
ranch on sunset no it was
universal there’s one in universal
center and there was even
comics right next door to john lovett’s club yeah yes
there’s like a little
stand up thing
going on yeah
and so like
there’s even
standup comics as they’re just waving
their legs and their arms
while they’re on
stage just trying to get attention
it was that bad
wow and then she gets on
stage and everyone just
it was weird everyone just shut up
and then started applauding and clapping
and it was amazing
i’ve never seen somebody turn her room around like her
and i saw three
comics go up and fail
how good were the
comics that went out before
i mean they were pretty good if you
could listen to
their jokes i’m not saying
they’re the best or anything but they were decent
and then the two guys from
was it repo man yeah
i don’t know the show
yeah there’s like
these big buff guys that
have some true tv there’s
only one repo man it’s with emilio estevez bitches
all right i’m not
watching your show
until you change
the fucking name okay you can’t be repo man
you can’t be even repo
men that’s done
you know totally
you want to say
call yourself repossession
ink that’s cool you can’t
change make the name of your show one of the
greatest cult
movies ever and then make a cheat fake
yeah you’re
cheating you cunts
yeah and you’re making it fake
you fucks so what
about a reality show esther
would you be down for that
following little
esther around
i don’t know i guess
while little esther
how about this
how about a reality show with you and brian
brian just gets you to do terrible terrible
things yeah like that
video you guys made oh
yeah what is it
where can people find that
video if you
go to littleester com she has it on there it’s called
and esther is
spelled with a th
t h e r little ester com
and it’s a video of brian
literally legitimately getting her to try
cigarettes for the
first time alcohol for the first time
he got you to try all
these different things like i just
sipped it though and i barely inhaled the
cigarette and yeah
it just reaffirmed though
everything i
ordered this tastes disgusting this makes me feel sick
it reaffirmed everything the only good
thing you liked was the shoplifting
oh yeah she went back
two times i was like i’m just doing more shit from this
place oh this is big
candy i’ve done that
before shoplift
did you shoplift for real gummy
bears well just like you know how they have all the
candy out so you really did shoplift
yeah i took a few pieces of candy whoa
yeah you can go to jail for that
right you’re talking about their meeting
you’re admitting it
i thought it was just a setup they were
samples okay
okay it was free right it was legit i think there’s
like an uncalled law that you’re allowed to sample
when you go to those
candy shops you’re allowed to
sample one to
see if you want to buy it they have it
open it’s like a little
gummy bear that’s not really shoplifting
okay it is though
cause if everyone
stole some sugar if everyone
stole gummy bears
everyone stole
gummy bears
i smoked cigarettes
when i was 15 i smoked one and i didn’t like it and
i was like this is disgusting
my sister went up getting hooked and there was another
it showed me like okay this is obviously not good
and then when i was
about 23 i did some
there was like a
bunch of comics
they were doing some sketches
and we were trying to put together some sketches and
one of the characters was this guy who was like this
cigarette smoking like
poet guy who was
writing terrible poetry and smoking
cigarettes all the time
and like smoking
so i had to play that guy
and i was like smoking this
cigarette like i smoked
cigarettes all day
while we rehearsed this
and my hands were shaking
my whole body was
freaking out i must have smoked like out of no
cigarettes ever
i must have smoked like
seven cigarettes
that day wow
that’s crazy dude
i was shaking
i was shaking
yeah yeah yeah like and i couldn’t talk all that good
right it was like my words are coming
i was like i needed breath
between my words i was like that fucking
crazy that people suck down two packs these
things a day yeah
that’s that is the
biggest mind fuck in the history of our society is that
cigarettes are not just legal
but that cigarette
and tobacco companies are allowed to
send money to politicians
and put politicians in office and
contribute to
their funds
so that the politicians support them and give
them good laws
and make sure that they can continue to sell
their shit and
stores everywhere
meanwhile they’re killing
hundreds of thousands of people a year
it’s so disturbing i can’t even
think about it isn’t it so crazy like
if something
gives you cancer like if they find out that diet coke
fucks you up or something like that
get rid of it you
gotta get rid of it you
gotta pull it off the market
it’s a fact for sure that
cigarettes fuck you up
it’s so disgusting i can’t handle
i like the new commercial for
the non smoking
thing where it was like
broken glass
you know we’re recalling broken
glass and it was like only if
companies recalled products that wasn’t
you know right
they should
recall cigarettes the same way you know it’s all
about that money man
it’s all about the
money there’s too much
money in cigarettes it’s a
multi billion dollar industry people like them
and i support that
if you really want to have a
cigarette you
should be able to do whatever
the hell you want to do you know if you want to
smoke i like
cigars kevin
james and i
smoke cigar sometimes he’s the only one i really
smoke him with he like an ari ari and i
smoke cigars
are mature for
cigars look man they
taste good i like it
again it’s an acquired
thing it’s like you can
enjoy it if you have a big fat fucking
piece of meat and sit down with a big
cigar it’s fun
but you can do it you
should be able
to do whatever the fuck you want but the idea that
you know that this
isn’t like something that people are trying to stop
the idea that you have
these people that are
politicians but they’re not like coming out and saying
ladies and gentlemen
we got a real issue here
we’re losing
loved ones we’re
getting sick we’re losing time on the job
is costing employers money
and it’s costing you your
enjoyment of this
time here you’re addicted this little fucking cunty
cigarette man
we gotta stop this shit well at the same time
no one’s unaware
that that’s what it’s like
yeah they are but we are
babies we need someone to step up and say it
you know if
all of a sudden
you know the flu’s in the news
all they have
to do is put the flu in the news and say we
have to be careful to wash your hands and this and that
the flu is in the news
and then everybody goes home the flu is in the news
you knew about the fucking flu
god damn it the flu is always coming
every goddamn winter it’s the same thing
it’s a new flu
this year it’s the
pig flu next year it’s the bird flu it’s a fucking flu
you get sick every year
when you know don’t
touch things that shitheads touch
wash your hands
take probiotics eat acidophilus and yogurt
take care of your body take your vitamins
get some sleep
it’s all fucking we all know it
but we need to hear it we need
to hear it we need
daddy to tell us the flu
get your flu shot
ladies and gentlemen
wash your hands you can use this this is perel
this kills 99
of all bacteria
i like your perel bottle that’s on this
couch it’s like perel
with shit like on the bottle
it’s probably chocolate
it’s like a joke
right there’s a joke it’s
like the cleanest solution
is covered with poop it does look like poop
you know what it is actually
it looks like a
piece of tape
that’s been peeled off but the sticky
stuff is here
and the sticky
stuff has accumulated a
bunch of dirty
things oh so
good point though brian
i put this on my ball back
it feels like
so if you were to ever do a show
where it made you just try a
bunch of things
would you like if you got paid for that show
would you do
things like that you would
never do like
eat a raw you know medium rare
steak would you you know
try to be a stripper for a day or you know like
do shit like that i
wouldn’t do like
weird weird
stuff i would not eat raw
meat that sounds really
not even like if you were being
paid for it like each episode you’re getting 5 000
i don’t know that’s really a no
why not cause i like to use my
brain to get
but you’re that afraid of meat
um i’m not i’ve
eaten meat i mean and
every now and then i’m like
okay yeah i’ll have a bite of that cheeseburger but
so i’m not like
super strict and i grew up
eating meat a lot what made you stop eating meat
um just kind of reading different books and getting
bored and just trying to
learn different
things and i
was about health
yeah health
cement yeah
so so you’re like
very concerned with making sure that your life is in
order yeah very
concerned with your health and very concerned with you
know don’t do anything dangerous and your future and
everything like that
basically is that to offset
all the danger you take in this fucking
crazy risky career
of i think so
yeah and i mean i also don’t
i don’t know you don’t you don’t you can’t
trust many people
i mean i’m hanging out at comedy clubs till
three in the morning
where everyone else is a guy and in
their thirties
have you had men try to take advantage of you well i
think that goes without saying
really no i mean
no no one does anything
crazy but i mean what
about try to kiss you when you didn’t want it
yeah that’s happened
we won’t match saying names
yes that happens but we know the story
so you were in
speaking of
you were in don
barriss ding dong
show or were you in the no i was on the ding dong show
he has a band
called the barris kennedy overdrive that i was
a part of for a year and a half actually that’s the
air guitar band yes
they pretty
much act you were a part of for a year and a half yeah
every night
jesus christ
how much patience do you have
that’s ridiculous it
was actually like a really
integral like part of my comedy career i
guess because i like developed a lot i got a lot of
stage time i was there every
night till like sometimes
three in the morning with even no one in the audience
and like i play
this character that’s actually how the little esther
video sort of came
about because i play this character
you know don
goes is there any
a dancer in the audience and i would like
be sitting in the audience
like oh i can do it and then i on
stage and everyone’s
like oh my god who let the fourteen year old in here
like it just
would just improvise
stuff every night
and it was actually pretty cool
and so you were doing this even without an audience
yeah there would be audiences
a lot but some nights
there were not audiences
and wow don
is very he’s a die hard performer and he’s
one of the smartest people i
think ever he’s so funny
tom barrows is very funny
he’s a great guy
too oh my god he’s so
funny he’s so weird
he’s crazy and he’s just like
literally i feel so
lucky that i got to develop with him
cause he’s definitely
like made a
big part of
the character so you develop this character doing that
right and then so that is who you are when you go on
stage no you’re you when you go on stage yes
which is really
weird because like when i
first met her she was the little character person
and so like i thought alright this girl is
like a little girl
and then you meet the
adult person it’s so
weird because
you are like
you play like
you trick yourself into
thinking you’re a kid
yeah i mean i
guess it’s more it’s honestly
it’s probably more like multiple personality disorder
right so you
think maybe bipolar no
i don’t know i just like
sometimes i act
like a kid and i just get into it and i commit to it
okay what’s the
trauma there’s
what is what is what has gotten you into this
this form of
performance and communication what it was gotten you to
stand economy
something happened i’m trying to figure it out
my theory you can tell
my theory is that one day she’s
going to like drop her car keys
and bend down to pick it up and there’s
gonna be this huge
flash in her head and she’s
gonna remember all the shit that she’s totally
blacked out i
literally i have no idea i mean you
should be a scientist
with your theories
doesn’t it seem like something like
that would happen
like a 6 million dollar man
forgot my dad used to kiss me on a
tummy too hard
you know the problem with
those type of memories
like you know roseanne said
or she remembered
being molested when she was two or something like that
your real memories from back then are a
ghost you know
your your body
first of all isn’t even the same body
every single cell in your body changes over
every seven years
so a lot of times you’re
they don’t even know
where the memories are stored
the only options are that it’s non local
that the memories are somewhere out in the ether
and you can tune into them and access them like a cloud
which is ridiculous
and then the
other option is that they’re in the
neurons because the
neurons are the only
things that don’t get swapped out like with cells
i do remember being breastfed
do you yeah really yeah i was breastfed really late
three years
three and a half
three and a half
years old most
people do it what six
months is the max you
know sometimes
three my wife does it for a year oh yeah
three and a half years ago
she remembers it
being done though it’s really good for you and
i have one memory of being brushed
well there’s a
woman that i know who did it to her four year old
wow yeah four years old
four years old the kid
would get upset she
would just whip out a tit
but can you
can you imagine remembering it joe can you remember no
i have heard that people can remember really
in depth things
about their childhood
i have some
distant ghost like memories
from being very
young like five and four and
three one very
clear one a
very traumatic moment when i was
young when i was
about five but the
other ones are like
ghosts what’s your traumatic moment my dad beat me
shit on my mom
right right
right no my
the youngest i can remember my mom says i was
three and a half four
my great grandmother was sitting on this
bench across this like
farm field and i
guess there was a nest a
chicken nest or something like that nearby
i think it was chickens
and i was walking towards her and i got too
close and then like
maybe five chickens like attacked me
and like i just remember my
great grandmother being too old going
oh help him he’s getting attacked
cause she could
walk over and
stuff like that
and i just remember my mom hear
my mom and go oh my god and she runs up and gets all
these chickens off me and i had like bloody face and
everything like that how old were you
i think like
three and a half four i
would have went
on a chicken
slaughter rampage yeah
i would have killed
those chickens with baseball bats if that was my kid i
would have smashed all
those little cunty chickens i remember
cause one hit me
right in between two
and they could have
got your eyes you know
these chickens get sick
if one chicken gets sick and they fall to the ground
the other chickens will just peck it to
death really
they’ll peck it to
death they’ll
start eating it eating his eyeballs eating his brain
peck the shit out of them chickens are cunts
what’s your most dramatic moment from your
childhood as
young as you can go i can’t even
think of any
other nothing
okay so do you
think that the
trauma was all
being ostracized by the cool kids and that
being forced on the outside and
forced to think that you’re a
piece of shit
and you’re not special
and so then
you have this
motivation to show that you’re special
that you’re a performer that you can make it that you
could be successful yeah
i think but i also
think it too comes from
my family my mom is christian and my dad’s jewish
and my mom has like this big a big family with like
a lot of cut there’s cousins and aunts and whatever
and i always sort of felt like i was like the one jew
like that no one liked
and they like i was not included in a lot and i
think that is like mostly it because it’s school
when i was little
i was fine like i was like a leader and like my
teachers always said like oh
esther’s kind of bossy and people follow her around
so i know that i was confident
early on but i
think like just having a family
where i felt like i
wasn’t a part of what they were a part of
made me feel like well then i don’t care and i’m
gonna do my own
weird stuff and
so yeah that seems pretty accurate so
you felt almost like
racism as a
young kid because
one side of
the family was not jewish and you were jewish
and you had
you couldn’t mix in no i
think she’s saying
there was other jewish people that just didn’t
like her that’s what you’re saying well there were no
cause she’s saying your mom side right
which is not yeah
no the non jews i
don’t but i didn’t really associate with being
jewish now i do a little bit even though that might
not be fair of me to say
but it’s like
i just i didn’t really fit in with everyone
so your mom
was jewish no my mom’s christian okay so you
weren’t raised
jewish then no not at all so you’re not a jew no
so what are you saying
that i my dad’s a jew
right but your camp you’re not a jew
i’m not technically your half jew
but you’re not jewish religious wise
right it comes from the
mother but people that are not jewish if they know
that you’re have one jewish parent it’s sort of like
oh you’re a jew
a lot of people are like that yeah
jewish people
say i’m not jewish and non jewish people say that i am
no one wants me in
their group
wow you’ve got this
thing you’ve got this
i’m on the outside looking in
thing i do wow
interesting i sort of like it this is
where the rogan
board post will
start coming in why joe trying to psycho analyze
her why isn’t he doing a dr phil
voice why is there a girl on this show
they call oh my god
they said so many mean
things about me they’re like she’s
she looks 25 and she’s like a weird
child lady you
put a dick in your
mouth and one in your ass
shut it shut
unless you’re
cleaning my
house and cooking my
steak shut it
oh i understand it’s okay
and then one said that i have the face of a 14 year old
and the stomach of a 34 year old
wow that is
that is rude
do that motivate you in any
way i wanna go to the gym do some crunches
i mean i do
wanna go to the gym yes but i
um i mean being in
stand up like one of my
comedy mentors
is ari shafir
and he constantly
tells me that i’m yeah
that i’m like need to lose weight like i’m used to it
yeah he tells you that what’s he saying
who’s he talking to
listen to it i
wrote him this text message because we
had the same
agent i’m like
our agent like said that
because i put that little esther
video out and he’s like
he said that that video is
gonna hurt me and it’s
dirty and it’s
things they’re
gonna ban me
from the casting directors won’t talk to me
and our response back was lose weight
wow didn’t he say something like you will always be
no he told me he was like you’re gonna die
alone and it’s
gonna be your
fault and like
he’s so mean but i
enjoy it i don’t know i think it’s i think it’s funny
he’s funny when he’s mean yeah is that a juju
thing you think that’s why he
says that or do you think that’s how he talks to
ladies that’s how he talks to
ladies well he knows you don’t want him so he’s
lashing out the same way you do with those hot chicks i
guess yeah and every time
a hot chick will walk by he’s like
she’s hotter than you oh god
how rude oh it’s
rude that is rude
but the good thing
about that kind of rude
thing amongst friends is when you hear it
from someone else that’s trying to hurt your feelings
then it doesn’t work at all
then you’re like
shut up stupid
you think that
first time i’ve
heard that dummy
exactly you know
all right do you ever say anything
negative to him
not really i’m pretty nice i
think i got some ideas
down for you
you showed you
clamor i gave you some information yeah
that shit’s disgusting
you saw his
butthole you
haven’t seen jew
clam if you just
googled jew
clam is ari
shafir has had apparently
ferocious hemorrhoids his entire life
and they have malformed his butthole
he says it’s all
back to normal now but i don’t believe him i don’t even
think he knows what the fuck normal is now
i think it’s
he always thinks it’s supposed to feel like
sitting on bubble gum yeah it’s like you remember that
chick that got her face bitten off by the chimpanzee
yeah we fixed it we
fixed your face oh
my god ain’t no
fixing that butthole
that thing is
i don’t know what happened but
so you’ve seen his butthole
on a video yes
so he didn’t
think that it
would hurt your career this you being
dirty stuff
no most a lot of people all the
comics don’t
think it will i mean
the disney channel probably won’t
look at me anymore though you don’t need that shit
you’re funny if you’re
funny just keep doing comedy
keep doing what you
think is funny look at
sarah silverman
she’s dirty as fuck she’s in
everything selling
fucking books are in the new york times bestsellers and
movies is always on
television you know you don’t have to be clean
that’s nonsense that’s if
what that’s all that is is people with
they’re short sided
with limited imagination that are trying to sell you
that’s all it is they
think they have to sell you as someone who’s
squeaky clean
why the why that’s what everybody
else is doing you know what is your personality like
what’s coming out of your own
brain and obviously your
brain is very complicated it’s not gonna be
right down the middle and squeaky
clean and always you know fucking
softball bullshit you know
whatever the fuck’s on your mind what
about you know
it’s harder and it’s easier
it’s harder for a little bit
because you know then people are like why is she
swearing i don’t like when she talks
about cock but then
after a while
you know it’s good
because you like hey you want to go see that little
esther yeah
well she talks
about cock you
know like people know
and then they’ll go see it and look forward to it
you need to talk
about cock on
stage i really don’t
i don’t actually ever
you’re super
clean on stage
no swearing
no i mean sometimes it’ll slip out but because that
video is pretty
dirty it is but i don’t say anything
dirty and the
video is on little
esther com as well yeah i just make
other people say dirty
things right
yeah but you’re pretty demented on
stage though
how am i demented you’re not like squeaky
clean like i’m not
even i wear my
heart on my
sleeve like
i’m very much whatever mood i’m in i just go
well that sounds like fun
i’m in a cunty mood
god i don’t even want to be up here performing
but that’s what you guys discover
you don’t even want to fuck me whatever i’m not
always like
that but sometimes you have to be like that to discover
things that
could be true
or it could be an excuse for not controlling
your behavior that you look at it like well i don’t
want to be organized because if i was organized then i
wouldn’t be creative
a lot of people like they don’t develop discipline
and they don’t do the
things they’re supposed to do
and they’ll somehow another justify it in
their head well hey then
this is how i discover myself this is how i
take chances up there that’s a brilliant
point actually but i’m
i’m working on my organizational
skills but no i
sometimes you you have very prepared things and
sometimes i’m just like i’m gonna
i just want to try and riff
as much as possible i
think that’s a
great thing i
riff a lot i do a lot of question and answer
stuff on my shows yeah
but what’s important to me
is i gotta go on
stage in a good
frame of mind
you know it’s very
important but i mean you’re talking probably like these
45 minute sets or whatever i’m talking like a
three minute pot looks out of the comedy
store like i
might be in a cunty mood
yeah but even that like why
why go up there then
why you know i mean yes
and no i mean why not take some chances who knows yeah
but it’s not like that all the time at all
i’ve had friends that
have had real problems with not being able to regulate
their state of mind before they go on
stage and like
you’ll have some sets that are
great and then
other sets where you can tell
there’s some
disconnect between them and the audience
we had a buddy that was
going through
a long stretch of shitty sets
and he wasn’t telling us but
apparently his
girlfriend had broken up with them and
moved out and he didn’t tell us
we were we’re like what the fuck is
wrong with this dude like
when you talk
to him he’s like barely there it’s like it’s
weird like something’s going on
and then one
day you know we’re eating and he told us the
whole story i should
broke up with me and it’s not like we
gonna say anything like you fucking weirdo
like for like months
you know we’re like so how’s the
check everything good you
mean great it
looks like shit
and meanwhile
we were wondering why this dude was falling
apart on stage
you know but see if you like kind of
harness that and
talk about the
breakup then you create a lot more
stuff if you’re saying
yeah but especially
if you’re a man a lot of times the problem with men is
when men get dumped
it’s like they’re
their reason for
existing is like
it gets questioned
for a lot of men like when
their worth is like
gone to zero you know
they don’t feel valuable they feel like a loser
you know like a man gets dumped a
woman leaves him for another man she takes off and like
and your step by yourself like
you don’t feel
worthy to go on
stage and talk
you don’t feel like anything you have to say is a
valid like you’re a zero
like that chick just
broke up with you
and she probably got another dudes dick in her mouth
right now and you’re thinking
about this and like
fuck and you know you make mistakes
and you call her trying to get her back and you say
stupid shit like
let’s just try one more
time and then she says no and then she hangs up the
phone and you’re like what the fuck
i’m just a loser and then try
going on stage
right then and there and then
ready go you know
ladies and gentlemen please welcome mike mcfuck stick
and mike mcfuck
stick goes up
there and just eat shit i’ve had to do that
yeah but i’ve
never dumped
anyone i always get broken up with really always
well i’ve only had like four boyfriends but
wow well you know what you’re
gonna get the opportunity to dump this new one
you could fucking pull the strings on this one this is
gonna be your first
what are you guys talking
about i don’t know i
heard she’s got some
new boyfriend he’s really cool inside the black dude
big black dude
big big black
dude big black dude
have you ever
dated a black guy
no no you wouldn’t
what about a mud race
what’s a mud race
if you’re an ignorant racist is some i don’t know
brown people
no i’m not an ignorant racist i’m just making jokes
you know some jungle dude some fucking
i don’t know i don’t date
a dude from vietnam i don’t think so i don’t
ever meet one and wouldn’t choose
they smoke cigarettes no
what do you look for in a guy besides red hair
where did that come from
i don’t know i don’t really look for
things in guys i just if a guy like
is i don’t know
there’s nothing i have no answer
what’s it like
going from chicago
meeting like
chicago guys regular dudes eating sausage and shit
los angeles i’ll say this i went
literally two and a half years in college no
boy ever hit on me
well i was like no i didn’t even kiss anyone like i was
two and a half years in college yeah and college
pillows get fucked i know
everything gets fuck yeah
but i didn’t i didn’t
drink i didn’t
go out i wasn’t social i was really into comedy and
stuff then but
i mean you didn’t like meet guys
during doing the comedy stuff
not really not
of interest
hmm to you or them
i think both really yeah
i mean i went to like one of the big ten
schools so there’s all
these like really pretty midwestern like
sweet girls
yeah like why
like all those
the sorority people you know people go for them
losers i’m like there i’m like the weird nerd
did you ever do comedy at a sorority
nobody house i didn’t no no
i was living in boston i did
couple of times really yeah it was just like
basements and shit go down
they had a like little mike set up and
fifty dudes in a room and talk
on me strange
there’s a lot of
places to do comedy when i
lived in boston there was a
ton of like
satellite rooms and bar rooms and you got to get
all kinds of different looks you
know you’re talking
about the saddle
ranch you know
those are terrible shows to do
but they’re good shows to do too
up to a certain
point some guys just i remember
who the fuck was it
freddy soto was the
first one to say it he
you know he
was a very funny guy that passed away a few years ago
but he was a comedy
store regular
and dudes would always
be like hey freddy i’m doing a show at you know the
mike’s pub down the
street on tuesday
nights you know you want to come by and do a set
and he’d be like
thank you but
you know i only do comedy clubs like i’m done
i’m done with all that nonsense
cause the nonsense that you have to
deal with when you’re doing comedy in a non comedy club
you know at the bar and the
noise and people talk and
especially in hollywood
you know but
those are good too
right oh yeah i mean i’m desperate for that
right now stage time is
stage time it’s
right i’ll take what i can get but yeah i
definitely prefer the comedy club setting i mean who
wouldn’t but don’t you
think that it’s good to do
those shitholes yeah because
it makes you like really grab people’s attention
yeah i mean you have to really command
everyone in the room and
also you have to just
sort of deal with the fact that some people are not
gonna pay attention to you and they’re gonna
drink and they’re
gonna heckle and they’re gonna
shout show me your
tits and you
know stuff like
that you just
it’s part of it and
it’s fun but it also you like the
show me your tits no
no no you don’t like that no but i i
laugh it i don’t hate it i’m like okay you’re
drunk and you
think that that’s
funny if you say it so i
understand you don’t know how to be
funny in another way
cut them down
you break it down
the guy’s just sitting there like what
he’s trying
to have a good time
i’m from iowa
this is how we roll
curls on stage you say show us your tits cause you
never know i’m just taking a chance
you did all the improv classes too
you’re right like the second
city in chicago
iowa in chicago and
travel olympic io what is that it’s like it’s
used to be called improv olympic
it’s like where chris farley
all those improv people
start and you were just
gonna give us the abbreviation like
everybody knew what the fuck you were talking about
well they i
think no i roll
io i think they just call it io
they’re not allowed to call it some kind of like
olympic lawsuit
olympic or improv
olympic really
you can’t have a club
improv with all the comedy
clubs i would
think that that
would be more of an
issue i think
olympics is actually like a name
isn’t it olympics like a name like
it’s like a coca cola
it’s always a really yeah
so it’s called io how they
trademark the olympics
i think they made it
didn’t they wasn’t it around in the
greek days oh yeah no
wasn’t it was it yeah
olympic cows oh
how long is
olympic games are
going on for
a lot of roman
numerals connect right
you know you look
at that it’s like
someday there’s
gonna be ufc
in roman numerals
in too many numbers totally
to go with centuries
to exes and shit
did you ever think to
maybe try like a saturday
night live skit
or is that something you wanted to do like kind of like
a live improv
yeah totally i mean i grew up
watching that show that’s like
but do you prefer
go like a comic or
would you still be a
comic or is it the
comic thing that you
i don’t know i mean i’m playing
everything by ear you know i don’t know what’s
gonna happen with
but i’m interested in all of it i just like getting on
stage and making people
laugh and being myself
so i’m playing characters too
but right now
i think it comes in
phases sometimes i’m more interested in
what can i what
character can i create and what can i do and then
other times i’m like i just wanna
be myself and talk and
what are my thoughts and how can i get them out there
and that’s sort of what i’m in right now
just stand up
it’s way harder for a chick
way harder for a girl to get into comedy
way harder when you’re on stage
people don’t
wanna hear you talk
a lot of men do not
wanna hear a
woman talk for ten minutes or an hour
how many dudes
wanna go pay to see
ellen degeneres do comedy you know
three you know
that aren’t gay yeah
come on really that means like
what else i mean
you might i
would i would
and she’s good you know i’m saying
like it’s like you have some no name
woman headliner at the improv
in cleveland good fucking luck selling tickets
good luck it’s
conte mcgillicuddy from
from nowhere
where she been when she was on comedy
central once well yeah whatever let’s go to the movies
you know it’s very hard to sell tickets
it’s very hard
at black eye
though the like look at that
black eyes probably funny
i’ll take a chance yeah
black man probably
funny right
white girl the fuck has she got to say
that’s true
silly bitch i have to say what’s your favorite comics
um i’m really into louis
ck right now i love his show louis yeah
great great
great question for me to ask guys
so what i was saying
about girls doing comedy like
you you don’t get as many different
things you’re allowed to talk
about either
you can’t have opinions on
you can’t call
people dumb when it comes to politics or opinions on
you know the president
or opinions on the way the
world should be run like
you enter into like a danger zone
where there’s knee jerk reactions
where people automatically don’t want to hear a
young girl with opinions on
things right well already yeah because i look so
young people sort of don’t
trust that i have a brain
and on top of the fact that i’m a girl
so i mean luckily like i’m not
right now at least
where i am i’m not talking
about political
stuff and topical
stuff i’m really just sort of talking about
what are my thoughts and feelings on
myself or on
the situation that i just experienced like it’s just
you know i’m not getting into in
depth in politics what if something
i’m sure but
what if something happened and it was relevant to your
life like what if there was some new political decision
or some new
local law or whatever that is relevant to your life you
might start talking
about anything
like you know like what if you had
a really good friend and the friend was trying to get
married they were gay and then all of a sudden
law pass and you couldn’t
marry gay people anymore couldn’t get
married you
would say something
about that right yeah that would
upset me and i’m sure i would talk
about it and
then there’d be some guy in the audience going
fucking if i wanted to hear your fucking opinion
i’d beat it out of you
yeah i don’t know then i
would just say like
thank you sir
please sit back down
so you’re preparing you’re preparing yourself for all
these people to say shitty
things to you
yeah i mean i’m used to it i mean like you
said before you know if you get it from your friends
first when you get it from the outside
world it’s not so bad
yeah yeah arishafir’s helping you yeah
but i’ve always admired
chicks doing comedy
it’s more difficult than men doing it i think i think
it’s a totally different animal
and it’s like women’s
mixed martial arts too you
know like a lot of people don’t like watching women
fight like you know how much more
crazy it is for a chick to be fighting
that’s like a dude fighting with swords
like men want to fight it feels it’s normal
but for chicks to actually
train and fight and pick a girl like listen
bitch in six weeks we’re
gonna throw down you better be fucking ready
and then you running up pills and shit and
throwing sandbags around
for a girl to actually do that that bitch has got to be
crazy you know like off the deep end
crazy like ten times crazier than a man is doing it
they’re tough cookies i once had
lunch with this with chica nakamera
she’s like an undefeated champion boxer
and she like just
they’re tough i’m not scared she’s trying to finger
you or anything no
i wish she’s really hot you wish really you
would have went with it
probably what if she leaned over and just
grabbed the hairs in the back of your neck and just
balled them up and just controlled your head and just
my cat’s trying to get in here get out of here you fuck
would you let her do that
i guess i would how did you you would
you would let her
so you’re down for a lesbian experience
because some chicks gotta pull the trigger
yeah i guess i mean i’m pretty easy going so
whatever happens you’re pretty easy going
there’s no guys that ever say that so would you
think about gay sex i’m pretty easy going my
family thinks i’m a lesbian
really yeah why is that
cause you’re not married with a child already
that well no i think just
my mom is when i went
through college and not didn’t date my mom was like oh
yeah maybe you’re a lesbian
i have a neighbor who has a gay son
for sure really yeah
the kids like ten now oh
and i’ve been saying the kids gay forever
nothing’s anything
wrong with it
but i mean i’ve
been saying like look there’s this kid’s gay
and everyone’s
like you can’t say that you know he’s around his
mom all the time his dad’s always working on my stop it
stop it the kids gay
sometimes you know i mean in my opinion i think
you’re born gay and
it’s like being
a comedian this is actually important to me like
you’re born
a comedian and you just figure it out as you go along
yeah i don’t
think you’re born a comedian i
think you’re raised in a fucked up way
that makes you
want a lot more attention than a normal person gets
and it’s to compensate
from the lack of attention that
you got when you were younger and that’s why you become
a performer that’s why everyone becomes a performer i
think that’s
probably a more intelligent way of looking at it
maybe not everyone i shouldn’t say everyone cause
i’ve met some people that
just got into it and they had
great childhoods
they just i did i had a
great childhood
i think and no one believes me i did it
doesn’t sound like it from all the shit you’re saying
you were tortured
i mean i was tortured by everyone else but i’m really
close with my mom and dad
it doesn’t have to be
mom and dad
you know it
could be just all the
feelings of
alienation that you felt when you were younger
i think that’s a
but i always wonder like
i have this
crazy theory that gets overtalked
about on this
show that the entire
world that everything all the events car accidents
you drop the book
you know you move
into the this
in the parking lot like all
these things are all somehow or another connected
like some giant fucking mathematical program
and that really shitty parents
and shitty situations growing up
like coming out of
those things it’s like the
force the negative
force of those things
makes the rebound
makes so much
greater and it makes
the creativity so much
greater with the person it
makes the desire to perform
you know and
the ability to create something special
because the
fact that you desperately want this attention
and then all
these people benefit from that
like people that go to see it like wow they had this
great time why they have a
great time well they had a
great time because somewhere
along the line this kid got fucked with
you know so that negative
of that blossoms out and becomes this performance
and then it’s all somehow another balanced out
that’s pretty
intense bro
i mean it is i mean look
that’s where sluts come from
right sluts
come from they don’t they didn’t get enough attention
it’s always the same
story but guys look men
it’s very convenient that slots
exist because if
every time you had sex you have
to be in some like fucking serious relationship and
god that’s a lot of work you know like
maybe sometimes i’m confused i don’t know
where i’m at
and you just want to go around and fuck around
well you need slots man
or a flashlight or a
flashlight i like the way you segue
young lady you really know how to work this business
i see big things
when are we
expecting the little esther
podcast you gonna
start your own podcast
it’s in the
works it’s in the works it is is it really yes
it would be good
i think you’d be good at that shit
yeah and you
could fucking
you can interview
unicorns and stuff
yes it’s a good way to develop material too i think so
so you’re doing like
three minutes sets for the most part like
three to five minutes on
sundays and
mondays and then like whenever
i just search for bar shows and
spots at the comedy clubs and
so yeah like i would say
eight minutes
is like a good
what’s the most time you’ve ever done on stage
um like 20 20
that’s like the weird
that’s like when it
begins to get strange
right like you like got am i
still up here
i’m still talking like
the transition between like
those little
short sets and like doing a real set
you know it’s
definitely different and
especially to
like i’ve gotten so used to just having to prepare
three or five minutes
so now it’s like harder to be like oh i have to
keep going yeah
it’s definitely you use
twitter a lot to
write don’t you i do yeah
cause ever since i was like
i guess in high
school i used to
carry a notebook around with me
and just anything that
struck me as
weird i would
write it down
and that’s sort of how i’ve
that’s my twitter page now
and just so i can remember it
because i wanna make it something
later twitter’s
great because it gives you only 140 characters
right which makes it kind of an art form like you have
to edit and to
funny usually that’s good though
i always find that i get to
verbose there’s too many
words if i just
you just leave me
alone with everything i’ll
write a goddamn blog
60 000 characters long
just keep going
well really it
should be a couple sentences
yeah you don’t use
extra words and
it helps comedy that’s like a good comedy
tool yes yeah
140 characters is perfect it’s not even a text message
you know you just got to be
able to say something funny
really quick
it’s just it’s a strange
thing that we can connect to each
other like this you know there’s
never been a time in
human history
where it’s so easy to get in
touch with human beings
you don’t need a
magazine you don’t need a news station
i mean look at this we’re just talking
right now or
you know my fucking office
and we’re connected and
hundreds of thousands of people will download this
it’s very strange
you’re gonna have a lot of
new people masturbating to you oh yeah oh no thousands
right now there’s guys with
their dick out
right now you’re so
wrong you’re so
wrong little
ulster you’re so
exciting oh no you just became a hundred times more
exciting why all the stories you’ve told
no god damn girl
does that freak you out no do you
think you ever
pose for playboy
um i actually interned
for playboy in college and that’s not the same thing
um i don’t know
were you ever thrown into the hue mix
the hefner mix
no i was not i was not on that pretty side of things
if you got famous
you know and you
got an offer do you
think you would post for playboy probably i mean what
about hustler
no no too much
about penthouse
i don’t know the difference between all of them but
i was a nude
model the difference
between all
of them is playboy is impossible to jerk off to
right unless you’re desperate
if you’re jerking off to playboy you
might as well be jerking off the jcpenney’s catalog
who are we kidding
they’re all impossible to jerk off to now our
brains have gone past photos
no you know not necessarily if you
gotta do what you
gotta do really you’re
trapped in alabama in a
hotel room and there’s no internet connection
seven eleven you just close your eyes yeah
think about my cousin or something
i heard dream weaver will have to end with that song
can you can you download that song that’s how we’re
gonna end the podcast man
but i like it’s a beautiful song
from the seventies
do you yeah i think it’s cool
really yeah it’s cool
like i said earlier like i have a thing for
very pretty put together ladies
being naked mrs rogan had a really interesting
point she said that she thought it was
funny that playboy used to be like the girl next door
and penthouse was like these really skanky whores
she goes but now it seems like penthouse is
like regular girls they look like more like real girls
and playboy it’s like all
these bleach
blondes it’s like the same look over and over
again the holly madison type look
it’s like it’s a manufactured
look it’s like that’s become the look of playboy
and i think it happened when
somewhere around when hugh hefner stop fucking
he just like just like
everybody fucking you know what i mean
it wasn’t like what he was attracted to
it was like all of a
sudden you know it
would used to be like the girl next door man
but somehow
the girl next door
it’s not as
attractive as
it used to be to a lot of people a lot of people
would just rather have the whores
you know it’s just like i want big
stupid looking fake kids and
dirty i want to know that you’re gonna
definitely take it in the
mouth right away
you know i don’t
want to have to talk you in anything you’re a
freak you’re a
dirty bitch
they do like that why
cause we’re sad sad little
monkeys well it’s
exciting it’s
exciting i think it’s
exciting yeah
cause you don’t get that i don’t know it seems
cause it’s rare
yeah yeah it is exciting
and why are they
doing it they’re doing it because they’ve got a deficit
right something
yeah it’s the same
thing the reason why people become comedians
except usually there’s
abuse involved
in porn yeah almost always
every single one that i’ve ever
really sat down and talked to
after a while you get to the
heart of the
matter there’s something something happened
that shouldn’t have happened also to be a comedian i
think you have to have a very
strong brain and be really i
think you have to be really smart
yeah yeah you can’t
it’s hard you can’t just be molested no
so that would be nice though
but if you got a good body you can have like a chimp
brain just totally
porn oh yeah
there’s a lot of open micers that when you
watch them you can totally go i don’t
think even if this guy did it for 20 years he’ll
ever get it
he’ll ever be funny
so i think that
there’s something to that you have to be
definitely smarter or at
least at some
level with something
yeah there’s a lot of people that they don’t
understand what it really is
you know they
don’t know what the fuck they’re really doing
i’ve had friends that do it that that
tried to do it and i thought they
would be able to do it
and then they could
never figure out how to talk to an audience like
like i just like a
bunch of people
you know they
could they never figured out how to be themselves they
never figured out how to tap into it and they just
were terrible
where i thought that like
eddie bravo was
he bombed like he did it like nine times he bombed
horribly like six of
those nine times he
could never get it together
but if you talk to him in person he was always
funny would say
funny shit like
why can’t you go up there and do that like what is it i
think some people have an idea of
being a stand
up comedian and they don’t realize you just be yourself
there’s that and
there’s also some people when they’re forced to be on
stage with that spotlight on them and there’s a
bunch of strangers who don’t know them
and you’re demanding the stranger’s attention and then
you really start to make
an audit of your own thoughts like are
these worthy thoughts
do i really need to be the guy in
front of the
microphone or am i an idiot
and all any
weird fucking insecurities you have
about who you are
just come spilling out when you’re trying to
get people to
laugh and you have a
microphone and you’re the one who gets the mic and
the light is on you and
shit that’s
scary i think if you can accept that you’re gonna say
things that
people won’t
laugh at and it’s
gonna be you’ll be okay
i think it makes you a little more comfortable
yeah but that sucks dicks
sucks hard to be up there and
you be the one who’s commanding the attention and yeah
look at me look at me look at me
and they’re like okay i’m looking what um
okay what else um
so here’s something
crazy that happened
you know i hate i
can’t think
about it i know right
there’s that feeling
that tail spin feeling when you’re bombing oh ooh
and then you driving home and you’re like fuck
fuck oh my god and you’ll forget
about it for a
second then fuck you remember it
again shit fuck
have you ever let a heckler get to you like have
a heckler ever win
against you
no all hecklers are retards there’s no
genius there’s no
genius fucking brilliant awesome dude
hecklers they’re all cunts
they’re all dumb cunts they don’t
understand what’s
going on or
where they are
it’s like they’re so
stupid yeah
well you know
they’re just they really wish they were up on
stage they just don’t have the balls or the
brains or whatever the fuck it is
it’s just our society has gotten used to
having its own
input constantly in youtube
videos let me comment she’s
fucking sucking nigger dick
nigger cunt
i said that at a certain
point in time i want to get to
i wanna get to a
point where
every video
that i have that’s on youtube
just somebody just
writes nigger cunt in the comments
just because you can and no one can stop you
you know it’s like
because you can and your name is
luckshaw 964 you know
you could just
who are you you’re nothing you’re just a
voice out there
screaming into the abyss
do you think there’s ever
going to become a part
that we are
all like having to be like social security numbers
on the internet meaning you cannot no longer be joe
rogan iv you are
gonna be your social security number and
they’re going to take it that way
cause i think that’s social security
number no because if that’s the case
then people will be able to get your information no
no no i mean
not actually just having a number like the associate
should be your
fucking name you cowards
you know what’s your name is your name bob
smith will be fucking bob
smith you pussy
i’m joe rogan why do you gotta hide
well i like
you know i don’t want the people at work to know
what i’m doing well then you know what this that’s a
legitimate point actually i’m making fun of a
legitimate point
for a lot of people you know
we were reading
about this the
other day that
the number of people that get drug tested on the job
random drug tests it’s like 40
you fucking test me
yeah i’d make sure you
smoke pot if
you know but
still testing you’re not
smoking weed i don’t want you editing those
videos trust me
i don’t i don’t really
test you what i do is just i just collect your urine
it’s like a
hobby of mine
i showed her they
made icicles
out of it wait
will you tell me
about drinking your own urine
well you can just
drink it you can
drink your own but
does it really do anything
i don’t know
i mean you take vitamins once do you know if it’s good
for you i mean you got to read a lot of peer reviewed
papers on the
effects of vitamins then you have to objectively
analyze your own performance and you have to think
okay was i working
extra hard during that time does that
maybe why i feel better
was i watching what i eat
to really be sure that
a vitamin is benefiting you you’ve got to have a lot of
thinking about it you have
taken it over a long time and not take it
so i don’t know
i only drank my piss a few times oh
doesn’t taste that bad
would you ever
drink it’s really
in the back of your head if it was like
super healthy
yeah would you
drink so you
would maybe
taste it if we get some
you know google
searches yeah i guess
well there’s a lot
you can’t google
search because there’s a lot on
nutty websites
that want you wearing crystals
while you drink
your piss you
know fucking
and recycling your
sperm as well i notice
every time i type in symptoms
and to google
i always like oh you have aids you have crohn’s disease
oh when you type
in your own
yeah yeah like if it’s just like runny nose back pain
you have aids
you know you end up at some message
board like you
should just
throw the symptoms
into itunes and download elton john songs instead
there’s a recent
study that suggests that all cancer
is man created
that cancer did not
exist until
human beings
started fucking around with chemicals and
polluting the environment
and eating things they’re not supposed to be
eating and eating processed foods and an unnatural diet
and that in the natural form
if people just ate
plants and animals
and hunted and fished and there was no
pollution in the
water and we
lived like a nomadic
hunter gather existence
no cancer yes i that’s a
script man i
agree with it i’ve always thought that that’s
so what is a history of breast cancer
then is that just a history of being susceptible to
pollution i mean radiation
who knows from
being pinched
twist and sucked
i don’t think that’s
how do you know
i don’t know i said i don’t think
breaks down dna
you know like you’re doing this constantly it
breaks down the dna
it’s like the
lance armstrong
analogy the reason why one of you lost one of
those balls
because it’s always rubbing up
against that seat
the ball just got
tired of it it makes sense
that ball just tapped the fuck out
you never know
i mean but some of it they say is genetic too i thought
i’m gonna get tongue cancer yeah
but that’s what i don’t
understand is it genetic
is cancer if
people if it’s genetic that people get cancer is it
and if they
haven’t proven
which they have
not proven this is a theory that all cancer is man made
sure there has to be a
bunch of people that
don’t believe in it that also feel just as strongly
but if it is all man made then
all that a genetic
is is you’re more susceptible to whatever
these toxins are
that’s creating this
ailment in your body
um right yeah i
i don’t know it’s it’s hard because
yeah what can you have a genetic
predisposition to have cancer
yeah i mean if
will not if
what these people
are saying is that all cancer is because of
pollution and chemicals and
shit you’re not supposed to have in your body in the
first place
stuff that didn’t
exist in nature
until man started tampering with nature
if they’re right
then no you’re
just more susceptible to all this bullshit
right i mean
what actually kind of boggles my mind is that
i can eat peanuts
and someone else will eat a peanut and die
yeah crazy that’s so weird
and we have the same body
we all have
lungs and whatever
right well that’s when the autism argument gets really
trippy when you
start talking
about vaccinations
you know and people go well vaccinations can’t
cause autism they don’t
cause problems with kids they don’t do anything
you can’t even get a kid peanut butter
you’re not supposed
to give a kid peanut butter but it’s okay to
shoot all these chemicals and
these live viruses in the child
you’re sure
every child’s
gonna be cool with
but not necessarily
and then of course they’re
going to have
every scientific
study possible they will highlight the fact that
there is no
connection between
this and that and that and this
but when you research it you find out that
they’re the
vaccine courts in this country have given out
thousands of different awards to families because of
brain damage
caused by vaccines oh my god
thousands of different kids i mean it’s not just one
and this is what they’ve awarded
money to so
it’s not a black and
white area it’s fucking it’s
tricky different people’s bodies
respond differently to all sorts of
things that’s why i
never tell people smoke pot
drink beer do this
because some people can’t
some people
drink one beer
and all of a sudden
the switch goes off in
their head and they’re fucked and it’s gone
it’s not mean it’s probably not you but for some people
they have some
weird biochemical setup and
you know it makes them more susceptible to cancer
you know makes them more susceptible to this makes them
more susceptible to that and that’s just like a tomato
like if you don’t know you’re allergic to tomatoes
you eat a tomato
no bam you’re dead
my friend’s wife her
whole life has had problems with
wheat and she didn’t know it
she didn’t know
she had an allergy to
wheat so she had all
these health ailments
didn’t know what it was
didn’t know what
she had fatigue she’d get headaches all
these different things
cut out wheat gone
it’s not i i fear i
haven’t i feel like i have something like that
you know like yeah totally because there’s sometimes
where it just seems like i’m allergic to something i
should really get it
tested out but
then it goes away you know like it’s a lot of guessing
checking it’s really
annoying to deal with a
well your problem bright is you’re
still smoking cigarettes
yeah but i mean before
you know when i wasn’t smoking
cigarettes when you
weren’t smoking
you were only not smoking for like a year
so your body was probably trying
to recover from the fact you were smoking constantly
for your whole life
i mean when you say when you’re not smoking the
majority of your life you’ve been smoking it takes
a lot of years yeah
so even you saying when
i’m not smoking like you’re not in the peak of health
going fucking
drinking we
got juice all
right we’ve
got we’ve got
you know i mean
health is such a
tricky thing
as i’ve gotten
out like i’m
sitting here my back fucked up i hurt my back last
night in jiu
jitsu it’s not fucked up it’s
just some sort of a muscle pull
but as you get older
like for sure
i recognize the differences in good and bad behavior
you can still have a good body
and keep your body healthy and have all this energy
but you have to be way more diligent than
when you’re younger
you have to really make sure that
if i eat like shitty food if i go out and have
a big fat stupid cheeseburger and ice
cream sundae
and i will fucking hit
the wall yeah pain
is a good motivator like
that hurts later
sort of it’s
not that it hurts i just feel like well you
suffer a lard ass
i feel like i got hit with a tranquilizer
dart you feel gross and
that’s why like i’m
a fucking bear at the circus
ran a mock and
fired fucking darts in only just laying there
i don’t want to hang over
i see people
dealing with hangovers i’m like what’s that but
goddamn cheeseburgers are awesome
no i want the
five guys for the
first time the
other day yeah
yeah not as good as in and out
not as many choices and no
shakes we’ve been
to the counter
the counter
now is that another one that’s a good one and so with
the five guys
still pretty fucking awesome don’t get me wrong
i mean if i’m looking for something to eat and it’s
right there i’m
going in but
the lack of
shakes is really
it’s weird how the hamburger
places in la i don’t think it’s
spread out of la too much but like how there’s all
these now trendy burger
places now in la have you noticed just that flock
out of nowhere
oh no they’re
popping out the
habit is another one there’s one cup
oh i’ve been
there i’ve been
those those are pretty decent yeah those
are decent it’s
weird how that just came out
burgers are on gourmet
burgers are delicious and americans love murdered meat
yeah we love it we love
getting somebody else do all
dirty work and
packaging it into a nice circle
nice flat circle
cooking it up give it to me i don’t want to do anything
i don’t want to go out and fucking grow
grass and then have the cow eat the grass then
shoot the cow in the head and hanging up by its
ankles and gut it and
process it chop it up and
grind it down and then
press it and then cook it
just give me a burger
right okay and in
burger king in a mcdonald’s
who knows when that fucker was actually cooked
mean those things
are just sitting in a bin and they flip it onto a pad
throw it in the microwave
i had mcdonald’s the
other day and it’s
weird how you actually
don’t even think
about it when you’re eating it that
hey this is actually
really supposed to be like a hamburger it’s not
supposed to be like a mcdonald’s you know it’s like
a different taste
it’s like i always
get the two double cheeseburger meal they’re like
little cookies yeah it’s like
hamburger cookies
that’s hilarious
but yeah you don’t really
think of it
like wow this is like really good cow you know this
is a good hamburger no
there’s a website online
where a dude has
he’s running
a running tally i don’t know if it’s
legit but i
think he said it’s like
180 days so far
he kept a happy meal and it hasn’t rotted yet
what it just
dried out sitting there yeah he’s got all these
photos of it it was on the
board it was on the rogan
board i think i remember
seeing it yeah
and he’s got a
photo of it at
180 days and it looks like
perfect today
preservatives are really
scary yeah what the fuck is that doing to your body
whew some stuff that keeps
things from growing on it that’s not
good to have in your body when your body consists of a
bunch of different
positive organisms that are helping you you
know all these different
bacteria that
you need like acidophilus and probiotics and
what is happening when you’re eating
are they going to war
are those preservatives
going to war with
the good bacteria in your body
i remember hearing that like
dead bodies were just decomposing a lot slower
than they used to
i don’t know really yeah
would you hear that
that’s interesting
sounds like some peeta talk
this is what i’ve heard man
i don’t give a fuck how
quick i rot
then the whole the
whole thing when you die in your hair still
still grows is that true though oh i hope not
i heard it was
maybe a little bit
i don’t because it’s growing
right well yeah i mean to
think like what it was already
gonna grow kind
of pops out yeah
it was like a little
cycle to it
hmm i don’t know
there’s a crazy
story i watched on hbo once
where they had that
do you remember that guy dr baden
he was the autopsy guy
i believe that’s in his name dr baden hbo
real autopsy
i forget what the name of the show was
like grace thanks i do
one of the most
fascinating ones was this one guy his wife died
okay and he kept
preserving her
and like he was i don’t know if he worked
at a funeral home or whatever the fuck he did but
he somehow another kind of embalmed her body
and created like a little
flashlight little plastic tube
okay no it wasn’t his wife
that’s why it was so creepy
it was one of his patients
and he fell in love with her
somehow another he got this woman’s
i believe it’s a patient i’m fucking this
whole story up now
the bottom line is this dude had a corpse in his house
that he kept preserved and he would
cover it with gallons and gallons of perfume
designed like a little plastic vagina it
would fuck this plastic vagina
what yeah and he
stole the body from the
graveyard like he went into the
graveyard took
the body out
brought it into his house
and was like
covering it with perfume they had bought
crates of perfume
and they just found it
yeah this rotting
fucking hunk of meat
that feels he
used to be this
woman and he’s
sticking his dick in like this little
garden hose that he’s created
for her vagina
oh my god i’ll
try it once
try once people a lot of tequila
a lot of people do
freaky things to dead
bodies just like something
to them like desecrating a corpse is like a huge
crime you know like
people that’s like it’s offensive to society it’s like
for a lot of people it’s like the
ultimate taboo
like dig somebody up when they’re dead
look i got the head ew
i look like
i’m a retard i got
these fake skulls
everywhere all around
it’s a little different though yeah but what
is this fascination like what is the fascination with
skulls and shit like
this is a real one actually
yeah it’s totally
real no it’s not it is get away
from me then please oh my god she’s retarded
doesn’t look anything real it’s got tribal
all over its head you
could carve
that into the
skull i don’t know yes
if you were a maori
i’m going for
a living in new zealand
are you really
if someone’s
gonna tell me something
why are they
lying i don’t know
right cause you
wouldn’t lie
not really so it’s good for you to be around a
bunch of scumbags yeah
that’s why i have to be pretty careful
yeah you got to be careful
to carry a knife to the comedy
show no i don’t how do you become friends with brian
um oh no not
a show oh he saw my
video and thought it was funny
and then what are you doing you bust a move no
what did he do
you can tell
i came up i came up to you and i was like
i just want you to know
you wait what did i say
you’re like can i be your stalker
oh god brian
no i said your
video was cool and then i said i’m your new
stalker and then
every time i walked by i
think i was like
you’re so awesome
or something like dumb like that
wow really smooth pickup moves
pick up well
it’s worked
did it work
yeah we’ve successfully
made a lot of
videos together
pretty awesome
you guys just killed the shit out of this conversation
fucking faggotry
so what is gay
so what is yeah you can’t say that
right how sensitive
are you to that like the idea that there’s certain
things that are offensive to talk about and
and expressions like you can’t say gay like that’s gay
like that really bothers a lot of people um
it’s hard i mean sometimes you say that i say zero
amongst friends you’ll say that’s gay
right not really i’ve
tried to police myself on it a little bit
but it’s definite i know i
i know that it’s not rooted in some sort of evil hatred
i love gay people i like i said i probably am gay
so it’s hard for me
i don’t know i
but it’s tricky
right sometimes
people say it and they don’t mean it i mean
i say faggot
all the time i do
yeah sometimes people get mad at me
and they’ll say like you know
what you’re saying is hateful this then i’m like no
it’s not what i mean words are not hateful me
like feelings are hateful right
intent is hateful yeah but if you were
think about
you know you
were the type of person who was ostracized as a
child and all these
pretty cunts like kept you on the outside
what if that
was a word that they used all the time for you what
if you actually were gay and you were gay at a young
age and you know it’s like look at her that fucking gay
loser and then
you’re around
people and they’re like that’s gay that’s gay
shit i’m gay
and you’re saying this
movie is gay
what the fuck man
yeah it sort of
does suck but i
think you can’t give words that much
power and if you do
it’s not smart i don’t know but is that easy
to say because you’re on the outside of it maybe yeah
probably i think
about that sometimes but
other than i think
stop it faggot
fucking get over it it’s a big deal
yeah i mean
some i don’t know
i really think that if you’re not
racist really and if you’re not
hateful of gay people
really then say what you want i mean there’s certain
things that are fucking gay like
men blow drying their hair
always gay you
don’t want to dry your hair
naturally that’s gay
what you wanna
accelerate the drying process
right fucking
queer face mask
those are gay it’s so gay they even call them facials
but yet all it is is like hey man
you like to open your
pores so you don’t have
your face doesn’t
break out you’re gay you know
it’s real though i don’t
feel like that’s gay if you have bad skin you want to
clear your skin up i
think you should
love yeah but you came over to my
house and had a face mask on that blue you back
well leave that
face mask bro
face mask what you wear before you go to bed
and you watch
american psycho
yes you read that book it’s all
about facials and masks and fucking
so he wasn’t gay he was
crazy scary
it’s like red bull and
not red bull well
cranberry and
cranberry and
vodkas you know like the
second you throw triple sec into that shit
that’s called a cosmo
and if you can’t
drink a cosmo that’s fucking gay but yet it’s just a
splash of triple sec
i like girly
drinks i drink like
white russians
i like white russians
that’s kind of girly i like
pina coladas and shit stuff with
i don’t get it people
think that they’re
so refined that they like
these it’s just like you want it to
taste like candy
sometimes but sometimes you don’t i like jack daniels
that’s sometimes i like a beer
you know like a
sam adams and a shot of jack daniels that’s like that’s
two ass tastes
you know so it’s not
candy at all
but it’s weird how you
the older you get you
start liking
things like
i never liked blue cheese
but then around 24 i’m like oh blue cheese is awesome
you know and
you have these things
you have these
things just like that though like i
never used to like
pickles now i’m fucking
addicted to pickles
olives i still don’t like it
blue cheese is
trippy cause it’s mold
yeah i like it you know
when we were out
here back there
yeah right a lot of cheese is
when we were on fear factor we used
a lot of expensive cheese
for the stunts
cause some of
them there’s a cheese shop in beverly hills
that has like really authentic
french cheeses and all
these different european cheeses
that are like really really
strong like
their smell is horrendous
and somehow none of
these freaky fucks in europe they get into this stuff
and they would
bring it out to the set and we
would open up the tubs and make everybody
smell it and they
would be like
vomiting like
literally people be dry
heaving and this is some shit that was really expensive
you know it is just a funky
powerful cheese
and we would
throw that that was like our
secret ingredient that we
would throw
into a lot of
the blended shit that people had to eat that
smelled horrific
the reason why it
smelled bad is
worms don’t really
smell that bad when you
grind them up
you have to
throw that funky fucking shit cheese in
that’s what made it
smell better
yeah worms just
smell like worms
especially because they’re
fresh worms
well their foot
smells like dirt kind of
because really that’s all they are they’re like
tissue and dirt you’re
drinking dirt
but the worms that we’re getting we’re getting
these worms
that come from dirt farms so they know what the
fucking worms are eating it’s all you get them out of
a fish supply shop
so really eating worms is not that big a deal
big deal was this fucking cheese yeah
then this cheese is expensive that
people like yeah
did you get the fromage
and it is oh the smell ah
it’s beautiful
for whatever reason people just got into
those fucking creepy
smells i recently
found out that i am a video game
trans transexual
video game trends such as anytime i’d
never even thought
about oh you play as a girl yeah i always play as
a girl like i just got this new game called fallout new
vegas where it’s like
you’re looking at an ass
the whole time you’re running around
the whole game and it’s
gonna take you
months to beat this game
and i’m thinking
i don’t want to look at a man’s ass so i’m
gonna pick a girl character
you know so i
and i think back i’ve always like tony
hawk you know any kind of
video game i play
i’m always playing girl characters
i always pick girl characters if it sucks though
these guys end up hitting on you
thinking that you’re a girl
and so then it makes you even feel more gay
well how often
do you hit on the back do you
fuck around
and pretend that you’re a girl
yeah especially if i don’t have a microphone
i’ll just like turn around a couple times you know
shake it a little yeah that’s a big
thing right now see i’m out of the loop
video games but a lot of people
are talking and they’re online they’re talking on
right well nowadays yeah usually
shit that would be
annoying man i don’t want to hear all these
it’s weird because
video games if you ever thought you know what
i don’t think people are
racist against
black people that much anymore
second you go online bullshit all
all the rules are out it’s just non stop
racism it’s just like message boards
it’s same thing
except they don’t have to
worry about
their account being good for six
months or a year and keep talking on the master board
they figure this is the one game i
wanna see you you nigger cunt
no identity
it’s really
weird though when you’re playing a
video game and it’s usually like
you know like one
other person
and it’s just like an 11 year old kid and you’re like
so how old are you and you’re like 11
and you’re like oh hey
that’s great so
we should go over here and get the sword
okay i feel like you seem
very strong
people that play
video games are like 11 year olds and like 37 year olds
right no no no there’s people that are playing
video games all day
video games are addictive as fuck they’re awesome
that’s the problem
they’re so much fun to play they’re so goddamn addicted
i need to find one that i would like
it’s a weird
thing to me
it’s a weird
thing to me that we have like this
level of connectivity
with like twitter and facebook and
and message
boards and stuff like that we have this crazy
level of connectivity
we’re way more
immersed in each
other’s lives
than we’ve ever been before
but yet it’s easier
to be anonymous and to be cunty with people
it’s easier to like say shitty
things because you’re not saying it in
front of them
you don’t have to deal with the social consequences of
looking him
in the eye and insulting them he just you fucking shit
yeah and they can just do it
that’s a weird
thing it’s like we’re more immersed
but we’re more
it’s like and we’re slowly
becoming more and more used to
you know being able to be
shitty to people with no repercussions and not worried
about it and being able to
take out all your own personal bullshit
on some just
random stranger online and attack them and try to
break them down
and you really like you’re going
about your day in
total silence
you’re sitting in
front of the keyboard
click click
click click
saying the meanest nastiest
most harsh shit
but meanwhile there’s no
sound coming out and you’re walking around your
house you’re
pouring yourself coffee
and you’re going back to the message
board and typing some more horrible evil shit
you know it’s a very strange thing that
it used to be all our interactions
that we had the ones that we’re designed for
or we look at each other
and then all of a
sudden someone invented a phone
as well now
you’re interacting with someone you can’t see anymore
and then all of a sudden
the person becomes faceless
and now they’re on a message
board and now you’re just a name
and yeah they say
whatever they want yeah and your avatar is buckwheat
you know it’s like okay who is this guy he’s
got buckwheat from
little rascals as his
photo i don’t even know who
the fuck he is and then they tell me that i’m ugly and
yes exactly
and i’m like what
dude so many people have been exposed from my message
board like so many people that were like really
super cunty
but they fucked up and somewhere
along the line one of the internet
sleuths figured out who
they were and
threw their
photos up and all
their facebook photos and
you get to see oh you’re a douchebag
oh here you are
how many times that happened on the rogen board
totally all the time
oh my god we had this one guy who was in
asshole he was so mean to everybody like
on and you couldn’t
tell him to stop doing it like at a certain
point in time it was like
fuck dude you know stop being a douchebag and a
contrary and
every time a fucking
argument comes up you’re insulting people saying
we found out he was like
700 pounds oh my god
and he would post on this weight loss forum
and he got his stomach fixed
he was a staple
yeah it was always like
super critical of anybody who did anything to
their biology
you don’t have the
heart and willpower to do it on your own
while he’s this fat fuck
living in his own shit his own
apartment the reason why he was such an asshole
is because his life sucked
and then it was exposed
floppo found that guy
and just posted all of his
photos and all of his testimonials
about oh my god and he was a
totally different person on this site
on our site he was just a mean
nasty asshole on that website he was all
about like it was like you know positive energy like he
was on oprah
stuff yeah like he was on oprah
he was like
well just trying to get used to the diet lol
wink yeah i mean you
you learn a lot
about a person’s character when they’re anonymous
you know you get to know a lot i mean one of the
things i found
about my message board is
there’s like
three plus million posts on it now
i mean it’s been around
since like 1998 there’s thousands
and thousands of members and
every day there’s thousands of posts
and you really can get to know someone
just by reading
their words
you really can because
weird situations
will come up well someone will say something
you can take it one way you can take it another way you
could be upset you
could be insulting
you could be
you could listen to
their criticism and
agree with it and
have your own
and objective viewpoint but people are so attached
even to these little anonymous fake names
that you criticize
their anonymous fake
screen name and that shit hits personal
and then they go after you
and then they go after each
other i see these
flame wars like back and forth i’m like
how much of this
would really happen if you guys were
standing in
front of each
other none of it none of it right
that’s like they have
those awkward
meetings of like the people from the internet
and then no one says anything
we’ve done that a bunch
we were doing that in the 90s
on my message
board the first one was like the cleveland
circle jerk or the houston circle jerk i
think was 99 99 or 2000
we were doing it like before i was on fear factor we
would have these
these message
board meetings
where people
would you know
come from the message
board and we would
would all be in
you know houston
or whatever and we’d all go out to dinner together
and you got to meet the creeps too
there was like a few guys
that we were hung out with like now i know why such
a shithead like you meet the guy in real life it’s like
fucking shifty and
weird and looks like he’d roofy your
drinks and you know
there’s always a guy that you meet
like we went to a
strip club with one guy from the message board
and one of the
strippers came over and put her hands on i’m just like
would you like a
dance don’t
touch me whore
we’re like whoa
don’t touch me or
and she went over and told the
bouncer and the
bouncer came over to him and he looked at me like i was
gonna say i’m like dude go
get away you’re done
you’re done son
yeah you’re a fucking
creep don’t
touch me whore
those people are really hurt inside
yeah but you know it’s not all that mean it’s like
he didn’t come off that way online
which is strange he
would say like mean nasty shit
but like normal like everybody else
is a mean nasty shit it’s like
kind of commonplace
he never like saw that
on you know that in his online
thing he just seemed kind of annoying
and then you know you see him
in real life and you’re like
oh you’re fucked you’re a mess you know you never know
and then there’s people that won’t even meet us
which is like a whole new
thing you know
like flappo
this is this guy
named flappo
and he won’t even come meet us i
wouldn’t want to
i don’t know why
well because
he doesn’t because he attacks everybody he
doesn’t want you finding out what’s what’s really wrong
he knows we love him
yeah well anon
hey that guy
had mad balls
we had this guy named anon
who is on our website he’s been on my website
since like the
like 2000 or something maybe nine
before that yeah
and we were
doing a show
in san francisco and somehow another came up
we were talking to him
this was like five years ago more
more than five years ago
so i said you
want to come out of san francisco man i’ll fly you out
so he’s like okay
like he went with it and he was like this
troll online
like constantly fucking with people and
like 9 11 happened and he was like
two hours later he’s already you know too
early too soon yeah
he’s ruthless like
fucking with people and stuff
we hung out with him and he was a nice guy
that’s cool he was nice when we hung out we
i gave him a pot lollipop he
could handle it he
threw it up
threw up in the
street oh god i
forgot about that
yeah pot lollipops are very
powerful if someone tries to give you pot like
edible pot don’t do it don’t do it really
yes run away do not
do it do not do it
when they’ll say like oh it’s just a little bit
you need to be an experienced
pot smoker before you
start fucking around with edibles
unless you know that like
this is your very best friend and your friend made
these brownies and she told you listen
if you take a quarter of this you’re
gonna be fine but that’s just a quarter and we’re not
going anywhere anyway we’re just gonna sit on the
couch and watch tv
and it’ll be weird but you’re gonna be okay
and you go okay i
trust you let’s
do this but if you’re just like hanging out at a
party or something
and someone says yeah you want a pot cookie
no you do not want a pot
you know how many times people at the comedy
store have been like eat this pot
brownie you’ve
never tried pot
eat this so irresponsible oh my god
thank god i’m
those will fucking
freak you the fuck out
we were talking on the last podcast
about i got too high on a flight i
ate a pot cookie and
some dude farted on melanie griffith’s head
what long story
but i got so high i got so high
that i almost peed myself i
literally thought
about doing it
eating pot is way more
strong than smoking it a
hundred times not really like five times more powerful
it’s like you you get
way too high way too
quick visual
on top of yeah
where we different more
happy and mellow like
you know muscle
relaxer type
kind of body buzz
that’s more visual
it’s gonna fuck with your
visuals and
everything when you
close your eyes you see cartoons fucking oh my god
cartoons moving around and
changing shape like
i saw all these look like they looked like 1960s
spider man comic books
like that style of drawing
but it was all like animals that didn’t exist wow
it was all like
and they were constantly
changing like
every second
every half a
second it was a new animal
and there were animals that didn’t
exist all drawn like jack
kirby style
you know like
early marvel
comics and they were just moving and they were like
all two inches long
and the entire sky was filled with them wow
that’s awesome
i just closed my eyes and
watched that for like an hour
lucky that’s so
weird i can’t even
freaking out though
it was too high to
enjoy it i can’t even imagine that’s so weird
kind of like
dreams you know how
dreams dreams
are fun yeah
it’s like that but
you’re in real world
eating pies
is really too
introspective too it makes you like really
start thinking
about your life like i
broke down my
whole childhood i
started thinking
about my you
start really like considering all of your behavior
and the way you interact with people and all the
things you’ve done
wrong and all the
things you would love to take back and
you know it’s really just fucking it’s a mind fuck
because it’s another chemical
it’s another chemical when you eat it you
should know
your liver produces a chemical called
11 hydroxy metabolite
that’s what it is and it’s only when you eat pot
it’s not active in psychoactive doses when you
smoke it so it’s
literally different than being
stoned when you
smoke in it
very dangerous so don’t let
those assholes just give you a pop
brownie that’s douchey yeah
that’s so douchey
i know hey little girl
eat this pop
brownie you’re in the corner
curled up in the fetal position in the puddle of piss
because there’s no way to make it stop no there’s no
way that’s terrifying to me you can try coffee
but that doesn’t work
you just get like hyper and high
at the same time
you know you’re still like nervous and freaked out and
you’ll still be paranoid
i remember once i was a
bad acid trip and for some reason i always thought that
drinking a bunch of milk was supposed to do something
so i remember sitting there fucking
sweating my ass off panicking
chugging milk
i remember i
might have done a
whole thing of milk but then there’s something
where your body just starts rejecting milk
and i just start puking milk
everywhere or tripping
and i just remember the next day i forgot i had done it
and i just went into the
kitchen and there was just milk all over the floor oh
no it’s so disgusting
were you living at home or were you living alone
i was living alone
in a little
one bedroom it
would suck if you had to explain that shit to your mom
brian why is there milk and cheerios all over the floor
i didn’t realize that
like lactose had a real effect on you i
never really paid attention to it
until i started
drinking raw milk
what’s raw milk
raw milk is just milk that hasn’t been homogenized or
and you can get it like whole food
stores i don’t know if they have it anymore they
stopped carrying its milk completely though right now
yeah why cuz it probably what you’re
about to say will help well
the raw in with raw milk it’s
it’s dangerous
where you don’t
want to let it go too long you don’t want to like
keep it around like you can’t like
you get a carton of milk a corton
you get a carton of milk and you look at the
expiration date it’s like a
month how the fuck is this gonna stay good for a month
because everything
worthwhile has been barbecued out of it i mean there’s
still protein in it and
still calcium in it but
for the most part all the enzymes all the
things that
allow you to digest it correctly
they’re all gone
but when you get raw milk you get
everything in it and it’s really
easy to digest it’s like it feels totally different
it feels different in your body is it
gross though no it
tastes good man i was
drinking raw chocolate milk
but i think they stopped
carrying it because i
think it’s dangerous
why is it dangerous
whole foods used to be like
these take chances
but then they
found out that kombucha like this
stuff that i love this
stuff i love that
stuff i’m a big fan
of probiotics
very important
like probiotics are fucking huge for your health
so i take acidopolis and i
drink probiotic
drinks like this kombucha shit
but apparently it’s
and some of them if it sits too long it ferments
too long then it becomes more than one half of 1
alcohol so then
whole foods like pull them out all other
stores they’re back now though
right are they back
well they have
some kombucha but do they have the gts kombucha
that’s like the real
i don’t know
that’s the real shit like you get
chunks of the mushroom in it or the fungus the little
boogers it’s like someone shot loads into your drink
you don’t get that out of the
wheat kombucha
the wheat kombucha
is just oh yeah
they have it out of the tap now at
whole foods
yeah the stuff that they’re growing
they’re making it that’s weak
you know this company gts that was making it
that shit is powerful
i haven’t gotten sick in over a year really i
would get sick constantly because i’m always traveling
traveling and shaking people’s hands and you’re
going on the road and you’re in
planes and all that
coming in contact with all
these different germs and bugs like for a long time
like every couple
months i’d get a cold for the longest time because
all the traveling
with this stuff
never i don’t get sick
i don’t get sick and i’m always getting like four
hours sleep then i take a flight
i get tired like normal and
everything but i’m not getting sick anymore
and a huge chunk of that is this stuff
and acidophilus what what’s
acid office is
it’s a milk culture
it’s a bacteria
that originates from yeah
you keep it in your refrigerator
and it’s a live bacteria it’s a healthy bacteria
but it’s a very
aggressive healthy bacteria when you eat acidophilus
all the negative
stuff that you come in contact with when
you touch someone’s hands and they get
a cold or a sickness
your acidophilus attacks all that shit
it’s like having warriors in your body to
fight off bad germs and
since you don’t usually eat
yogurt because you don’t like milks
you should really well i just
started taking a probiotic supplement
yeah kombucha is a great one
it’s a great
calcium supplement though because i noticed your
nails always have like the calcium
lack i think that’s
zinc what’s
wrong with your nails
what are you a fucking weirdo
know what’s
wrong with her
because i take a lot of
pictures of her hands
i was a hand model yeah
yeah i was an american girl
magazine cat
hands are tiny
they’re so small
it’s like where’s the rest of look
at her feet
her feet are
smaller than
wow those are
my daughter lola’s feet
might be a little bigger than yours she’s two
she made me take my shoes off
she did yeah
to go in the playroom
that’s hilarious
yeah you guys look like you’re in the same grade
we have the same halloween
how did we get on this hands and feet thing because
what point yeah how the hell do you know
because i thought that was cows when you have the
white lines on your nails
lack of calcium i’ll be honest this has that
started when i went
vegan so there is downside oh
really yeah
there’s also yeah you
should totally take
some kind of calcium
you know supplement it’s calcium i think it’s yeah
but you’re supposed to have a certain amount of calcium
i get calcium
broccoli has
more calcium
those little lines
yeah you don’t eat broccoli
yes i do do you like crazy
broccoli has
much calcium than what then i
think it had i’m not
gonna say but i
think it has a lot of calcium
it’s got a lot of protein too yeah broccoli has protein
broccoli is
great that’s why
gorillas love broccoli
if you go to the zoo they
throw gorillas
and chimps they’re always thrown on broccoli
they really want to eat
monkeys but they don’t let them
i think that’s
so fucked up they don’t let animals in the zoo kill
things at the very
least they should be
allowing them to do what they’re
naturally put on this planet to do
you know when you’re sliding a cold tray of meat
into a cage
and a lion looks at that means like what the fuck man
let me kill some shit
let me kill some shit son
get some of that is it sad
yeah do you are you an animal
rights person um
i’m not out there doing anything for
it but i believe in it and i like the people that are
i appreciate them
the only problem
with that is if you don’t kill some of them
then they will overpopulate
let’s say if we stop killing
cows and stop killing chickens and stop killing deer
if we really did that we have a real issue
is that really true i
know that of course well it’s
definitely true with deer one of the most important
thing about controlling deer
populations is making sure the
population doesn’t get too big
for the resources
that they have available to them you can’t have a
bunch of deer
starving to
death and getting
sick and diseases because there’s no food
you know and deer will just like
rabbits just like rats just like any
other animal that’s wild and
especially in a competitive environment like that
they breed as much as they can i mean
they pump out as many little baby deer as possible
you know if you go to a
place like where i
lived in boulder
i lived in colorado
they don’t nobody in
boulders all nutty crunchy and no one
shooting deer
so the deer
like fearless so they’re everywhere
so you have to
be very careful when you’re driving around because you
could slam into them at
night they’ll just
jump in front of the road and all said you know
there’s a fucking deer with his antlers
through your windshield goring you to
death you know that happens to people
it’s tricky
so if you’re not eating
cows and you’re not eating lamb and you’re not eating
you’re gonna have to do something you have to
separate them
keep them from
breeding you have to do something to control the
population you’re
gonna have to be proactive
about it i mean
i’m not against eating meat i
think it’s fine
what i don’t like and what makes me cry is
yeah exactly i
watched a documentary called food ink
which i literally
never cried so hard
yeah you know you ever
watched anthony bourdain’s show no i
haven’t seen that actually it’s a
good show it’s called no reservations it’s on the
travel channel he’s a chef and
it’s a really
interesting guy it’s one of my favorite shows
and he goes all over the country and all over the
world even and
goes to all
these different
cultures and sees
what they eat and talks to the people there and
tries to find out
their traditions
about their food
kind of really fascinating
well one of the
things he did he went to this
place in maine and
it’s a restaurant in maine
that does everything
they have their own farm they grow all
their own produce
they grow all
their own animals they
slaughter their own animals butcher
their own animals
and then serve them and cook them
and it was really
interesting that’s cool yeah because here’s
these guys i mean this
guy was petting this pig and he’s like you know it’s
kinda weird
cause you know you’re petting it
but then you’re also like looking at it like wow it’s
gonna make some nice
bacon and there’s some ham
right here and like
but it’s a real it’s the reality of it
and you know that’s
where they’re there for they’re not
gonna live forever
if you don’t eat them okay they’re eventually
gonna die these are temporary creatures
and it’s like to give them as much
freedom and dignity
and you know and to
treat them as
humanely as possible before you kill them yeah
still killing them
the real problem is that
right the real problem is not the killing em
the real problem
is the suffering
before you kill em it’s
horrible because this didn’t seem offensive it seems
shocking to me like that this guy was petting this pig
talking about it being
bacon and ham
but he’s still petting the pig
and the pig
wasn’t freaked
out at all and the pig was eating well and it’s like
okay well i mean that’s the food
chain yeah i guess yeah
but that’s the problem with a lot of the animal
rights people
and the animal
rights movement
it’s like they don’t believe in the food
chain they believe we stop killing animals period
but if we do that like you have to take into
consideration that a lot of animals are here
and they’re here as prey animals like in the natural
cycle of things
if you have deer well you have to have mountain lions
if you don’t have mountain lions to take out
these deer or coyotes to take out these deer
well who fucks
gonna eat all the deer
what are you
gonna have a
just gigantic overpopulation of them what are you
gonna do you’re
gonna start
breeding mountain lions so now you have mountain lions
everywhere you have millions
of mountain lions and millions of deer like really
is that the solution
gonna happen
right i mean
we look at this utopian granola
fucking unicorn way of life that
you know hey man we
should just
leave the animals alone
we’re kind of past that we can’t really do that
there has to be some sort of
if you were
going to stop eating animals there
would have to be some
sort of strategy for dealing with overpopulation and
right now we can’t even control that with animals and
like cats and
dogs we have a hard time we’re killing them at
fucking you
know the rescue
places are killing
them left around
peta kills them
peta kills animals left and
right i mean put all the animals on boats
so they stroke
they’re still
alive there’s so much extra
water out there you just
let him float
for the rest of
their lives it’s like a holocaust of animals we keep
killing animals and keeping them in cells this is sad
there’s so many chihuahuas that are fucking murdered
or put to sleep
every year especially in
california because people just buy chihuahuas and then
send them back to the
pound like if you go to the
pounds are shipping chihuahuas out of
california to other
states to try to
get rid of them because there’s so much over chihuahua
population you know
it’s like instead of killing all these
squads i bring
paris hilton put
him on a boat
to blame paris hilton totally
i loved her in high
school though i bought
her did you
really i bought her
book you bought her book
between her and jenna
jameson who’s been the bigger
influence on your life
i wouldn’t call them
influences i
would just call them heroes
some pretty girls people that
i’m interested in people that you’re interested in yeah
oh my god i
loved when their true hollywood stories
were on the hilton
sisters and then
jenna jameson
yeah there was another
hilton whatever happened that one she kind of faded out
nikki hilton she’s
still around it what the fuck
where’s niki hilton
i used to follow her on twitter and they were so dumb
they’re really
disappointing no there’s no one dumber than cat
stacks i hate cat
stacks that’s her twitter name
and it’s all about her
fucking all
these rappers she fucks all
these rappers
and she gets
videos of her with
these rappers
and then she like he be all doing cocaine
hit dick holly
get hard this
thinking bailey fuck me
and she and but she’s got like a hundred thousand
fucking more than that almost two hundred thousand
twitter followers porn
stars on twitter i have
i used to want to follow porn stars on twitter
they do not stop
tweeting they tweet
going to get my workout on yeah like
every all day
every day well they’re sad
children and
they’re looking to connect with someone that loves them
i like to follow not the porn
stars i like to follow them
but then when i look at them
replying to a guy
then i like to go to his website
and see what does that guy have to say
these guys that are
tweeting the pornstars
that’s where the fucking real interesting shit is
you know i went to this one guy
and it was like
silence of the lambs it was like
kicking in the door with the flashlight
flashlight with the fucking pistol like
going oh shit
i went to this guy’s twitter page and it was all him
interacting with porn stars
and a lot of it was like
crazy talk a lot of it was like
you know you are incredibly inspirational to me
i just think
it’s amazing how you put yourself out there
my god i mean i don’t know how you do it but
it moves me and i feel connected to you and i’m
since you’ve contacted me and this guy’s
going on and on and on like 10
tweets in a row
the same person
you know which
when you know you get nutty
it’s like dudes can’t
recognized concept of
140 characters
no it’s 140 and
140 more and 140 more
and like i just stopped reading your shit sorry
no i can’t read that
this guy had like 10
10 to one porn star
what’s really
weird is the
people that you know all the porn stars have like their
shopping list
their amazon wish list
i didn’t know about that
until like a year ago how
gross is that oh it’s totally
gross and so they just pumped that shit all day
there was somebody that said something the
other day i
can’t remember who it was and hopefully i’m not
friends with this person but they said something like
all you guys
getting mad at me for pumping my amazon wish list
i showed you my
boobs yesterday
oh my god come on really yes
like i need to be paid for this
right i need to be paid for my boobs
jesus christ
just give me the ps
three slim i just want it
how weird is that
the amazon wish list it’s like come on i know you’re a
loser buy me some shit
what’s really
weird is that i i
is how many people actually
buy them stuff
oh that guy with the ten fucking
tweets the porn star he’s
definitely better
stop like when i used to know this girl that did porn
she she would get like
shoes from the guy then like
outfits and then like a
purse and then sunglasses
it was like this guy felt like he was dating her whoa
but if you think
about it like
ten years ago
there was no way for a creepy guy on the internet to
contact a pornstar
and now he has twitter and can actually get a response
yeah that’s
crazy letters back and
if he does something cool like buys her a new
purse you know for sure she’s
gonna say omg thank you
so much you’re so
sweet gross wow
yeah and then
maybe she’s
gonna come to cleveland
and fucking show her
pussy at some club ew
you know they do that they go on the road
and do these
things cause
strip clubs
well a lot of
these girls
these poor girls that you
know the industry is falling apart
used to be the porn on industry you know they
could just get into porn they
could get a vivid contract and make
a ton of money
well the internet
crushed it the
internet i mean this is free porn it’s
everywhere who
the hell is buying porn it’s like the business is
completely falling apart
the business
model just eroded because of the internet
i think that’s
why the recession happened the internet before
well they had a
legitimate fucking beef you know they were talking
about all these people getting bailouts they’re like
what about the porn industry
right yeah we’re
gonna bail you out
you dirty birds
that’s pretty fucked up too true
it’s a legit business
where billions of fucking dollars are coming from it
and millions
and millions of people all throughout this country are
enjoying porn
it’s a legit business to bail out but no one
would ever dare
spend your fucking tax dollars
keeping some fucking
porno house and chatsworth over
you know yeah it’s
crazy right totally what’s really
weird to me is i don’t get the whole
like say like you like jen and jameson
and you’re just like ah you know you can’t find any
videos of jen and
jameson on the internet
for some reason the internet’s broken or whatever
right for jen and
jameson videos
so you see there’s a
video of her that costs 10
and it’s just her getting anal
and then here’s just
never done anal
ok well that is an example right
it would be
worth way more than 10
bucks is what i’m trying
right now here’s miscellaneous hot girl
over here anal
video for free
why would you
is there that big of a difference to pay 10
bucks to see this
girl do it i’m
sure there is
oh dude guys become obsessed with the girl
becomes their jerk off girlfriend
i use that i guess
porn as masturbation
and then once i’m done
i’m not watching porn
well sometimes
though they fixate on one chick
they’ll have
this one girl you know for whatever
reason she just does it for them and they decide
they’ve jerked
off a couple times with her and it was very satisfying
so they decide they’re only
gonna go to her videos
wait one time this is really embarrassing i
myspace messaged a pornstar that i liked
what did you say i said hi i really like you
if you ever in la you
should come to one of my shows
like a girl
bree olsen whoa
bree olsen takes
black dick like a
champ she’s so cool
like a duck to
water she’s so
and then the guy that i was dating saw the message
and it was really embarrassing it was embarrassing i
would have been like yes
it would have been like walking through the casinos in
vegas ding ding ding ding ding
ding ding ding ding
ding ding ding
ding she was like what is this myspace message
what kind of a faggot is
checking your myspace message
i don’t know that was
right there
that’s a symptom
of a greater evil that guy was looking for
who’s she talking to guys
who’s she talking to
pretty wholesome god damn
yeah that’s what i’ve been in like this
dude writers yeah
i would be offended they
were looking at my messages yeah what’s that all about
whatever i don’t
know have you ever had someone pick up your
phone and just
like let me see who you’re texting get the
but i’m like
that i would do that really yeah
you gotta grow up i do i love
touch people’s phones
can’t touch my
phone whoa nice
who bree olson
that no one takes a big
black dick in the ass with a smile girl
so innocent looking she’s so innocent looking and she
sounds innocent
she’s very vocal
coach until she’s got that
giant black
snake in her anus oh
and she’s like oh fuck my
ass like whoa
do you know who isis taylor is
no she’s the last
month pet of the
month she’s pretty hot
and then you go through her
videos and she just has
black dicks like two
black dicks in her ass so
that just ruins a girl
i don’t even want to say the names but
there’s a few poor girls that have done
those gang bang videos
that’s the number one ruiner
oh like when it’s like 98 cocks
in ten seconds it
wasn’t that
they’re hundreds now they’re up to the hundreds
one girl just
broke the record recently i
think she went like 600
and then her friend
i believe they were on open anthony they were talking
about this and her friend she was talking
about how her friend just
broke the anal record
and she was mad
that her friend like i want to go get that record too
see these people are insane but it
but like there they have
it i actually don’t necessarily
blame them as much as i
blame the people
surrounding them that are like yeah keep doing it
well you know
right yes and no
because listen you’re
dealing with a fairly finished product and
you know if it’s a shit sandwich it’s a shit sandwich
what are you
gonna do you
gonna scrape the shit out
put mayonnaise down lay some new fucking meat and we’re
gonna make it ham and falafel no it’s a shit sandwich
this bitch is
crazy if she’s
if she’s not
blowing these guys on
videos she’s
gonna be blowing someone at a concert or she’s
gonna let someone fuck her in the middle of a bar
while a bunch of people
watch she’s nuts
you know you’re not
gonna be able to fix her
unless you have a time machine
where you can go back in
time and stop her stepfather from fingering her oh god
you’re not going to be able to fix
her or film it and then go back in time
ten more minutes and then stop it
i don’t even know what you just said
listen back to the future shit oh okay
yeah i mean unless you
it’s all what we said
earlier it’s all about
the way they’re raised
all human beings that’s our number one problem
is that we’re not concentrating on
schools we’re not concentrating on
educating people about parenthood providing people with
child support and
child care and
making positive environments for children to grow up in
then of course people are
angry because
they can’t get what they want they’re told the
you know the
world’s their oyster but meanwhile they’re living in a
world of shit they’re in the projects and just
and they’re having
babies and no one wants to give them
money and they got no money
and there’s got no fucking happiness and shit shit shit
kid grows up
angry fucked up
begets more
angry fucked
up behavior and then it all comes from that
it seems so simple
but yet there’s no resources put towards it whatsoever
no one is on tv there’s no politicians saying
we have to do
a way better job of raising children we have to do
a way more responsible job of parenting we have to
understand what the actual role is
this isn’t just
this is your kid and you’re the dad no no no you are
in charge and
managing the development of a new
human being and you can make that life incredible
positive really like you can set
connections in that
child’s mind
that are very positive and loving and friendly
and make that person
an asset to any community that they’re in or
you can create a monster
right yeah it’s a huge deal i mean
it’s amazing too
how it’s so easy to become a parent and how
yeah it’s sad
so easy by accident yeah
there should be like a school
you have to go to
it should be
hard as fuck to make people
people but then
again if it wasn’t i
wouldn’t have made a person
you know i mean
honestly my wife got pregnant by accident
really but you
might have like if they made it like a college
like you had to go through like
four years of like
training baby i
wouldn’t have done it but
maybe you would though maybe
it would be such a special
thing that you’d be like i want
it i want a baby
you’d say that man
but you’re yet you get
if you’re selfish
which i frick
what certainly was
and you get used to your freedom and you think
about a baby as
an infringement on that freedom and like
i’ll do it someday
maybe someday
maybe when i’m
ready maybe when i got this in line
maybe when i got that
i didn’t have a kid till i was 40 but
in all those
things before the baby’s actually born
you don’t really
understand what it really is
until you have one
and then when you have one all that
selfishness it’s like no no no no
this is like a part of me
like this isn’t like
a new person that i have to take care of it is but it’s
part of me like
you have this
connection to that
child that really
doesn’t exist
until you have that
connection and you have to sort of
be incredibly
ready for that
you have lived and done
everything you want to do or you become
ready as it happens
you know maybe but
sometimes it does
eddie’s had a few friends the girls that he
dated that were just
and all of a
sudden they got pregnant
and they had kids and they just
changed everything went
vegan started doing yoga
stuff fucking around no
drinking no drugs
clean sober
going to meetings
getting their shit together having a good job
starting their own business
there’s a few stories of that
cause it’s just like
the overwhelming
responsibility and love you feel for this kid yeah
i think it either
clicks or it
doesn’t and you
raise a porn star mushrooms and babies
that’s what it’s all
about folks giving mushrooms to
babies yeah
raising children the
right way and giving people mushrooms so
we realize we’re all connected this is my platform for
2012 i’m gonna run for president what you think
i will be the
vice president not president i’m
gonna run for president i want
president of the internet
i’m gonna start my own thing
i think the regular president
thing is all rigged it’s all bullshit
you know it’s like you know
you’re not in it’s like campaigning to be
a character on a cartoon
it’s like the cartoon’s already written
like we don’t need you
we already have our players we already have
the roles are
in no matter what your it’s democrat or republican
or a cookie
it’s an independent whatever it is
green party
libertarian whatever is no one’s taking you seriously
it’s democrat
or it’s republican
it’s a fucking game it’s a game that’s already set up
we need a new game
president of the internet
what would it do
would president of it do yeah
kick out all the cunts
stop all the bullshit
make everybody nice
i would set
up the internet the same way i set up my message board
where i have one room
which is shit talking 101
which is like for everybody that’s cool
if you’re nice
and you’re cool and even if you’re kind of slow
or you know whatever as long as you’re not a douchebag
just go on there and post and
try to have a good time and try not to spam and try to
engage in interesting conversations
but if you become a douchebag
we give you a pink name
and we send you to the retard room
and you can
still go to shit talking 101
but you can’t
post anymore it’s pretty much like how it is now though
you’re either out of prison or in prison
or you get the electric chair
again with his analogies he’s
motherfucker another they don’t make any so bad
they’re so strange they’re
you’re saying you would have your
world or your country be like your message
board where you’re either in the normal message
board country i’m talking
about managing the internet i’m talking about being
the internet
right eventually we’ll live in a non
local world you see
well not be a regular
world we’re gonna be connected right
and when that happens i
think we should set it up like a message board
gonna have a douchebag room right
which is prison
but it’s not
because you don’t want to put someone in a cage
prison is for fucking real assholes
you know yeah no i’m not
what prison
yes he’s terrible
what prisoner
would prison really
should be for is people will hurt people whether you
steal from them where you
and when they bring you into prison
you know ideally it
should be all
right sit down
we got to figure out how to fix your life
but that’s not what it is it’s like
here’s a guy who’s
gonna rape you yeah that’s
how is that
still happening
to join a white gang because you’re white
you know you need to get down with the
latinos because you’re mexican
you know i don’t
understand how we know that that goes on and
there’s nothing
done about it what is the website
stop prison rape com
tell stories
meanwhile the stories that dudes beat off to mostly
it’s probably not even real stories
it’s probably just some sick fuck who’s
like a fan of prison rape like some dudes are a fan of
civil war reenactments
and just write them like
novels he’s fakes like letters to home
from a civil
civil war soldier
this guy’s faking
prison rape stories
and on that note
ladies and gentlemen
that’s the end of the podcast
we would like to thank
little esther
for coming we
would like to thank
the flashlight of course for
sponsoring our podcast you can go to
joerogane net
my website has a link and if you
click on that link you go to the
flashlight you get 15
off it’s all fixed now
right does that
brian yeah yeah it’s actually a coupon
code that you just use rogan now does it say it
yeah it says on the banner you
click it says
okay so there’s a coupon code
and that’s good for 15
off ladies and gentlemen
this right now we’re gonna play
dream weaver
folks this is the song
is this from the 70s
yeah yeah it’s 1969 maybe and
if you’re around
this weekend is
ufc of course oh
that’s right
friday night
tomorrow night i’m in
santa ana at the galaxy theater
with joey coco
diaz one show 8 pm
we’re ready to
throw the fuck down
that’s if joey’s not mad at me for not answering the
phone i called you
twice cocksucker like a
fucking podcast who gives a shit you don’t even know
those people i’m family
so that’s tomorrow night
which is friday
october 22nd
and we are at the galaxy theater
and if you’re around on
monday night
october 25th our pal don
barriss has a show in the main room the ding dong show
and if you’re a fan of
freak shows if you’re a fan of chaos
and and and odd
human beings
don barris knows how to put it together it’s like
watching not a craziness and it’s
gonna be a huge event like a big
party it’s seriously
shockingly unbelievable it’s so
funny yeah and don’s a
great guy in
these the problem is the new comedy
store is kind of not appreciating don’s
efforts so if this
doesn’t work
he might be kind of forced out of there like
brody stevens
has been last time
i saw the ding dong show
there was a
comic i forget his name i used to do
schizophrenic surfer yeah yeah
i used to do open mic with him
and he took off all his
pants and he only was wearing
a what’s that
thing that you hate and you like thongs fanny pack
he was only wearing a fanny
pack but his balls were so long his balls were hanging
below the fanny pack
that’s hot so
that’s just
to kind of show you what craziness happens when you’re
so funny yeah
you know if you’re on acid it’s
definitely the show for you
yeah it’s the guy that created the
movie that made the
movie windy city heat
which is unbelievably
funny yeah don
barris is a special character he’s
a real institution at the comedy
store i mean i can’t even
think about the
comic store without
thinking about don
barris he’s always been
one of those guys it’s done
crazy late night
sets there and he’s just a fun dude and awesome and
these works for the
jimmy kimmel show warms up the
crowds and he’s always you know doing sketches and
stuff he’s a great guy
great guy and so
october twenty fifth
if you’re around
that’s monday
night at the comedy
store in the main room at ten p m and
little esther dot com all one word or little
underscore esther at twitter oh yeah little esther is
es t h e r like ether
esther will you marry me this is a great song man
this is a great i’m driving home to an empty road
you know i’m saying i’ve never heard this song
if you’re in the midwest
you have a tattoo of this place where
place where there’s no
street lights and you get to see all the fucking stars
and you’re on a little shitty road
two lanes each way very few cars
oh this is good
and if you got a good stereo system
and you know somebody’s got good weed
are you driving home and you hear this
especially if it’s on satellite radio
where it’s nice and clear
and you’re like
fuck yeah give me some volume on this brian
play this the fuck out
whoever wrote this somewhere
his wife’s getting fucked by a personal trainer
and that’s just a fact
she wanted to take some mma classes
state she got some dick
ufc 121 this saturday night on pay per view
that’s it that’s our all our plugs
thank you little esther for coming by
it was a lot of fun thank you brian thank you
thank you everybody we love you bitches
we’ll see you next week
come on volume man
where’d it stop
that’s rude oh you just cut it off so quick so sad