on you stream
and that should be it
i’m a fucking technology monkey son whoa
let’s see seconds there we go ladies and gentlemen
welcome to what week is it i don’t know fucking
week 20 of the
ustream podcast
and the itunes podcast
which has taken over
in popularity far more popular on the itunes
than the ustream
for all those fine folks out there
listening on your way to work or
when you’re supposed to be doing work or
when you’re supposed
to be doing homework or whatever the fuck you doing
thank you very much for
tuning in this show
is now officially sponsored by
the flashlight i don’t know if you knew
about that tommy no
i’m here with my buddy
tommy segura
aka tommy buns
tommy is here because his well
first of all he’s here because he’s
hilarious stand up comedian and a good
buddy of mine and
because his cd comes out
today he’s got a new cd called thrilled you know
i do i do have
that’s tommy
it looks like michael jackson
but it’s tommy yeah it’s me
yes very funny
tommy and i met
when i was doing the i was doing this tour for
maxim and bud light
me and charlie murphy and john heffron
and we would
travel across
the country we did like 20 different stops
and we we used
local guys like
every every
place we went to we had a
local comic
would go up and perform
and tommy was the funniest of all of them
he was really
i was really
shocked like
every now and then you see a comedian
it’s uncomfortable say this way
right here but
every now and then you see a comedian
you know and you’re like
oh i didn’t
even know this guy was around how’s he fucking so funny
you know most the time like
when someone’s
funny like you know
you know who they are
you know i’m saying yeah you hear
about them already yeah oh totally yeah i appreciate
you hear that echo that’s my
other computer
in the background but
yeah i know i when you
travel and you see people and you’re like
hey where do you go up cause i’ve never seen you
especially when they live
funny yeah but it’s so rare when they’re
funny that’s the
thing it’s like
you know like most
comics like if you say like
comics that you don’t know what percentage of them
aren’t don’t make you laugh
percentage of comics don’t make me laugh yeah oh
well up into like the 85th
percentile it’s a
weird thing and i understand that comedy is different
there’s some
things that
some people like that i don’t like or i like
that some people don’t like you know there’s a lot of
infantile ridiculous
silly comedy
you can’t turn up the
microphone all the way it says i don’t
know i think it’s on as loud as it can go
ladies and gentlemen hold on a second
maybe there’s some sort of an input
is it really that low
is that any better
know i need to project
this i hope we don’t we’re not in some
weird thing here it’s on the blue snowball right
yes it’s working
sorry is it really that low ladies and gentlemen
turn the microphone up a bit i don’t
think i can i don’t think there’s anything i can do
other than where it’s at right now
some people say it
sounds fine some people says it’s pretty quiet
well do you have a volume on your motherfucking phone
or whatever you’re watching this on
because work that shit yo
um what happened
we have a little issue here a technological issue
lost the screen
yeah on with the show indeed
as this man said
we were just too far
all right well we’re
right up to it right now anyway
the percentage of
comics that suck i
would have to say it’s probably like 80
it’s probably like 80
even that’s
discounting for there’s a
lot of people that i know are good they’re just not my
style i totally
accept that and
appreciate that
but like when
you go on the road and you see someone and you know you
never heard
about this guy before
and you see him and they’re hilarious you’re like whoa
how fun is that
it’s fucking awesome
isn’t it it’s the best
thing yeah because even like
sometimes you’ll kind of like
enjoy somebody you can go like
oh that was a well written joke
yeah that’s good joke
structure or something but like
when you actually
turn up like
laughing like you’re
grabbing your gut and you’re just
that’s hilarious that’s fun
that’s rare it’s like you just
found a gift
you know cause it’s like
especially as comedians like
you see everything coming or you see a lot of
things coming rather
and like when you run into someone who’s really
funny like it’s like oh
there’s another one
they’re out there i know they’re out there yeah
because you’ll see
so many guys that fucking suck and what they’re talking
about is just nonsense
and it’s just
stupidity and you know that they’re not even really
thinking about what they’re saying
it’s not anything that they’ve really
come to some
weird conclusion it’s just a
bunch of nonsense
designed to make you
laugh and that
shit is hard to deal with over and over and over
again it makes you
lose faith in it
and you wonder
for comics like shit
what is it like
coming up in this day
but when i was coming up
there was a lot more comedy clubs a lot more
different comedians
to look at there was a lot of shit
going on a lot of action
it seems like there’s way less action now
oh definitely man there’s way less good guys coming up
oh yeah or people
coming up in general just seems to be a
smaller community
i think so yeah i mean nationwide
right i think so yeah
there’s like a few
places that are really
like when you go to you’re like oh
this place has a good
like comedy
community like within it you know like
i kind of felt that way in like austin
where i was like
they’re really trying to like
like develop
comics here
yeah but i don’t really feel that way in most
places like most
places it’s just like
i don’t know it’s like
it’s like a
like the mall
or something you know it’s just fucking hard to do
it seems a lot easier than it really is
it’s like once you get good at it it kind of becomes
easy you just kind of like you know you know you
understand what
what it takes to
write a joke and it’s
just a matter of putting in the time putting the effort
but to get to a
point where you’re actually funny is
it’s such a long fucking process
yeah like people don’t
realize like you see a guy like you know anybody joey
diaz joey diaz is a
great example
cause joey diaz is fucking hilarious
but when i met joey diaz
joey diaz is not
funny and that
sounds crazy
because he’s one of the funniest people i
think i’ve ever met in my life yeah and he would say
funny shit off stage
but he could
never be that
funny on stage and
he could never make it happen and somewhere
along the line he just figured
it out he figured out how to be himself yeah who he is
like in the parking lot of the comedy store sure
figured out how to be that guy on
stage and all of a
sudden bam it was just he nailed it and
knocked it out
apart but that’s like the hardest
thing to do
right yeah i mean that’s that’s
super hard like
you because i mean people now who i’m like
you talk to them and you’re like oh you’re really
funny but then
it’s like they’re too
forced and contrived on stage
and you’re like
you got to figure out
how to make
the guy who you are off
stage just walk on
stage there was a guy that was doing
stand up who i thought was really funny
but he was doing this
weird thing
where he was talking so fast that he
would take this breath
in between his
and then the government the government wanted to do
this obama situation with gays in the military
and they and like he was
going so fast like he kept taking this like
like in but it was like
audible yeah
really loud like a singer like yeah
and and especially if you’re baked
like you could
focus on something like that i look for
you can forget exactly what he’s saying
he’s always
saying it down
just waiting
five four three two yeah i
would just focus on his crazy
that little breath
thing that he
does you know
it’s just joey diaz
when i talked to him
about it and i you know we’ve talked
about it a bunch of
times he says that what happened was he just realized
how to not give a fuck
he like he said he was too concerned with like
agents and managers and all that shit
and he was too concerned with people giving him advice
and he said it took
you know like realizing somewhere
along the line just realizing that
these guys are all
bunch of dummies like
seeing a bunch of them get fired
seeing managers and
agents fail miserably and fall by the wayside and
executives get fired and
the people that
hired people turn to drugs and become fucking
chaos and a mess and
so he just had to realize like oh
these aren’t like
this isn’t like
a really well set up artistic
environment they don’t know what they want they just
want you to kill
and they can tell you all day they want you to be
squeaky clean you
gotta do this
but if you’re
dirty and you destroy
they want you
right you know
so you got like katt williams or you know of course
eddie murphy
and chris rock and all
these different guys
who have had you know sam kennison
dirty acts but so hilarious
that they were undeniable
so even in the era back then
which is pre internet
the kinesin
days were all pre internet
which is way harder to be dirty
cause you only had hbo that was your only
outlet for people to find out who the fuck you were
which is scary if you think
about it oh yeah in
comparison to
what we have
today you know
but even then man
all you have to do is be so good
that they don’t give a fuck so good that they let it go
yeah and joey figured out how to do that you
know but for the longest time man he couldn’t do it
it’s hard to find a guy who gets it right
there was another guy
kurt metzger i worked with him in montreal this weekend
fucking hilarious i
know kurt very
funny he’s very
funny super
funny really good
yeah there’s just
um there’s just not enough there’s not
there’s not enough
good guys out there and he’s another guy probably
like when you saw me like who fucks this yeah yeah
well ari had actually already told me he was
funny yeah he’s really
funny yeah we were working this
this little tiny club in montreal i did
the this theater
called metropolis is like
a thousand seats or something like that
and then the day before we did this
local club called the comedy works
which i used to do
when i was living in boston
i was living in boston one of the my
first road gigs i used to go up to this
this guy jimbo owns this club in montreal
it’s the best
club ever man it’s fucking this tiny little room
there’s only like
maybe a hundred people can fit and they’re all
stuffed into this place
and it’s just
old school man the
microphone sucks
the wall behind you stupid
you know there’s fucking curtains over
these windows behind you and they have them
covered with these old
dusty fucked up curtains
but it doesn’t
matter it’s the best it’s awesome it’s just this
little tight place
and he was headlining there this week kurt metzger
and he was really fucking
funny and another one we hung out you know
me and him and ari went out and got something to eat
and like you
could tell right away
here’s another
comic he’s a
comic he’s a real
comic yeah exactly yeah
and it’s cool like you really feel like
like you wanna
when you meet guys like that or you wanna stay in
touch with them
you do like
soldiers on a battlefield yeah
you know you run into each other like wow
here we go we got another one
what people don’t realize about comedians and it sounds
screwy that we’re talking
about this that making a big deal out of it
but there’s not that many of them
when you look at the world okay look at the united
states just look at our country
three hundred million people in the united states
how many comedians
there might be a thousand
might be a thousand professional comedians
at three hundred million
how many of them are actually funny
it might be
three hundred
maybe three hundred out of a thousand and that’s being
generous yeah so this
three hundred people at a three hundred million
that’s one in a million
yeah that’s
fucking bananas
i said bananas again early
i said bananas like 50 times last week and i said i was
gonna say this week
that’s my latest
thing man whenever i
think anything’s crazy i go 1960s on myself
yeah i go i repeat the shit out of
um out of control
say something’s out of control yeah and
i say fired up well the
problem is we do it on a two two
hour podcast
once a week
after while
people like to we shut the fuck up with the bananas
it’s like you listen to a
guy like say the same words it’s like yeah you realize
when you do something like this how important it is to
very you know your
speech and not get locked into patterns of behavior
you know like you’re
heard like rappers who you know i’m saying
you know i’m saying i’m saying
a kimbo slides does you know i’m saying like
every other word no i’m saying i’m here to put these
things on you know i’m saying
yeah yeah yeah of course i’ve
heard so many interviews with like
athletes say that it’s
it’s no i’m saying
after everything
what’s hilarious is when you hear
comics use nigger
like like a rapper
will use nigger and this
nigga try to tell me i’m like
nigga you better get the fuck out my face
nigga i know what the fuck’s
going on nigga
and like they’ll they’ll say it so many
times yeah yeah
and they’ll say it on
stage the way guys will say it off
stage you know
there’s something that gets lost when you do that
you know you got to recognize that like free
speech offstage
is not good enough to be bottled up and packaged
right you know you’re
gonna sell it you can’t
you got to have a better economy of words like i
i’ll catch myself sometimes saying fuck too much
on stage because it’s just natural
cause you do it in real life like this fucking guy is
stupid fucking idea
but you can’t if you do that
it fucks up the bits
because you
though they don’t they lose
any potential impact
you know the concept you people get distracted by you
saying even
though this is just how you express yourself and
it’s natural
people will get distracted
if you use too many of the same words over and over
again like i
swear like fuck
you know if you use it over and over and over
again like in like
more than one sentence
you could do it for one bit like if you’re just so
upset at something yeah
i know that you just and it’s part of what you’re doing
but then you have to make sure that you there’s like a
peak in a valley in your at you have to make sure that
once you hit like all these
extra fucks like there’s no fucks coming for a
while after this
sure sure yeah you know yeah yeah because then like
when you do it a lot also
like in one bit if you say fuck like a hundred times
you realize that you’re
essentially it’s replacing
other words
that you know i mean that could
make that bit funnier or care
right and it’s more like an uh
it’s like a replacement for uh like this
guy um so it’s like you’re just kind of
admitting that
you’re you don’t have a cohesive idea yeah
the other one like
i used to do
this all the time and now i do it less but i
still catch myself
going into it is
saying like setting one you’re saying a bit then
going right
at the end of it and you don’t realize you’re saying it
but you’re trying to basically
validate what you’re saying
right so like
like sort of subconsciously of
say a sentence to be like right
and then i walked in
right and the guy was like
right and then i listen to him like that
sounds fucking like
like an imbecile
fucking idiot right now
that’s why it’s
so important to listen to your shit oh yeah
so important to watch your
stuff and listen to your
stuff it’s so painful
like the lab
people think the
comedians like look at me up there i’m killing
when i watch my
stuff even stuff that i did that i like i don’t like
watching it like even talking
monkeys in space
which was like my best special
i don’t like
watching that fucking
thing it feels
gross i hate
watching myself man it’s just
and then you
start judging your bits and
going ooh i
don’t even have the new tag line when i did this
before yeah yeah like sometimes you’ll do a bit
and then right
after you come up with this bit it’s like
you know you
think you got it nailed and you put it on a cd
and then like a week
later you have the best fucking tagline
that changes the whole bit
it makes it so much better you wanna like
go back in time
you wanna rewind yourself and not release it i
started on this i already have like
a few things that
i start adding
stuff to and i’m like oh
man i know and people who don’t do it don’t
understand how manning that is that’s why like a lot of
comics have a hard time
once you do your set you just want to get out of there
and move on with your life you don’t want to like
really objectively go over all the beats and trying to
figure out what you did
wrong and what you did right
but if you don’t do that man it’s
it’s just not as it’s not as good
you have to make sure you do that
yeah you have to you have to look at your stuff man
this is the
i hope there’s volume meters the
right way up
towards the red is like
on the you stream
producer that’s how you get it as loud as you can
people still complain
about this shit
i uh you know the fact that i have
brian that he records almost all my sets that’s
so huge from that it’s helped me so much that i’m
super and also like there’s little
things that he does
like i’m saying i
guess it’s just an all around
praise of brian but like
it’s so cool i always dug like
the posters that you like just yeah yeah all those like
those are awesome yeah
makes those yeah well they’re really cool
and he captures a lot of cool shit off stage
yeah yeah that’s awesome man it’s like
one of the best things
about the internet is
being able to connect with people like that just weirdo
fucking creative people
you know that in
brian’s case you run a working for me
i think you’re do you think
like of all like the
working like big name comics
you’re probably on top of it the most
right like media like
internet stuff i
think about jane
cooks probably he’s way
better at it than me
the whole like
twitter shit now the reason why i even got into that is
because i saw what it was doing for him that’s a fact
for like i say that
i was feeling people
compare try to
compare him to
other comedians with shady
you know i say
dana’s done a lot more for comedy than like guys like
when see like you know by
a long shot
because he’s like opened up people’s eyes to what you
could do yourself sure
because before that the reality is none of us
are the type of guys that are
gonna be self
promoters like
comics are not self
promoters it’s just it’s not normal it’s like the word
he’s an aberration dan cookett it’s like an unnatural
thing well i don’t know if it’s an unnatural
thing but it goes
contrary to like
what i was talking
about i was doing
the sid rosenthal
show on the
radio before i did this
and we were talking
about like he was like saying rank
yourself amongst comedians and i said the comedians
that’s the last
thing you ever
wanna think
about is where do i stand
you know is
this guy better than me or that guy better than me
you don’t even
wanna judge yourself you just
wanna just try
to concentrate all your energy on doing the best shit
the last thing you
wanna concentrate on is pumping up your own ego
and you know just or even judging yourself at all
judge the material
go over the material
look at it try to make it better but always be
focused on that like
the like putting out the best shit that’s what you’re
focused on not like
where you fit in with everybody else
that’s that’s like an enemy
that’s like the
enemy of creativity is that kind of ego shit
when you get involved in that yeah
yeah and it’s also like
the one thing i mean i always feel like the one
thing you can control
like for sure
is what you’re writing and doing yeah so it’s like
let the like you really can’t control the other shit
like if somebody wanted to put you on
the ten best list of comics
right or like the ten
comics i read
before you that you hate that you hate like you
think he sucks but
it’s all it’s fucking it’s absurd
to even like
i saw i just saw a list of
the ten comics to watch
and it was like
like i you know i mean it’s all subjective
but i’m like this is this is absolute like some of
it was cool and so it was like who is this why are they
i know this person you
know instead
of doing something like that why
don’t they i mean this it’s always got to be a number
you know the fucking
seven comics you
wanna look out for
how about just do something on someone you
think it’s funny yeah
you know this
whole like bet what’s the best band
the fucking the bands that you like i probably
think fucking suck
you know and
there’s a lot of shit that i like that sucks
sure a lot of people
think it sucks sure
you know like
you know that song the fray how to save a life
it’s one of the gay songs of all time
all right but i fucking like it yeah
i like it i know people say it sucks
i know that if i played it at a
party with all my friends they’d be like
i prayed it loud be like
what the fuck are you doing
but i i love
there’s a lot of like
like 90s r amp b that i really
what kind of shit like swv
what’s swv it’s
sisters with
voices get the fuck out of here yes
it’s absurd and i will fucking
crank that shit
in my car how’s it go like give me give me
give me a sample of it there’s
what should we find it yet oh yes yeah
yeah this supposedly
some way that i can and i can do some fucking
screenshot here
and drag the
stuff in but i fucked it all up
so i don’t know how to do that but we’ll go to youtube
the beautiful
thing about
youtube is you can find
pretty much anything but
sisters with
voices or you
should just type in
swv is be better that way okay swv yeah
you’re gonna i mean it’s
gonna be ridiculous to you okay
there’s one where right here yeah human nature okay
here we go ladies and gentlemen brought to you by the
power of cable
what are you talking about
this is michael jackson that they’re
using a loop from that
they ripped off michael jackson and they’re fishing
they’re fishing and they’re they got matching
brooks brothers gear on oh wow
i i like this shit
this isn’t bad enough
yeah i’m sorry
sorry fella
yeah it’s not bad enough
if you’re gonna show
me something bad it’s got to be really bad you don’t
think i said that huh no
kind of dig it’s not good
it’s not good but it’s not atrocious
do you like you ever hit like
what is that the fucking
it’s hard out here in the d there’s a fucking rap song
oh and give
her do you ever dig like
a lot of people on the internet know what i’m talking
about it’s hard out here in the d
is like one of the
worst fucking
rap songs ever like it’s so bad it’s these
these like detroit people
yeah fuck where is it it’s not it that’s not it
you dig this though
it’s so bad it’s awesome yeah
do you like ever like like a techno song
sometimes most of time i find that
stuff to be like annoying yeah yeah but some
every once in a
while one will catch you right you know
it’s different though if i’m hammered and i’m at a club
you know oh yeah then you’ll just
like you know you get interested in
music that you
ordinarily wouldn’t get interested
says it’s so
cold in the day is that it is it so cold in the day
yeah it might be right sir
here we go
this is another thing this so cold in the d
it’s just something that you should have
never found out about that here it is this is
it so cold in the d oh not sent you
you tryna this some dude
trying to get people to watch them
there’s all these kids that have shows on the internet
and never know you stumble on one like this guy
this this guy he’s got
three hundred fucking thousand views on one of
these videos here it is it’s so cold in the d this is
so bad dude
i don’t know why this is broadcasting me
you eat
i didn’t mean to mute it
ladies and gentlemen i don’t know what i’m doing here
you should you should have a nine
it’s so cold in the d
that’s for real wow
how did you find this dude
why why we have to
okay i swear
i have to figure out how to do this
there’s no way
brian when brian’s not here
brian is off on some fucking
crazy adventure
and when brian’s
not here i have no idea how to work all this shit
but i do have some fucking serious
high tech mp
three type recorder shit now
and these regular
microphones if you guys
have any complaints i love to hear them
you know if you have a problem with the
sound or anything else like fucking
keep it coming
i like to hear it
try to make this
thing as good as i can
anyway so we’re talking
about comedians
and i was telling you
earlier of the
flashlight that was the
thing i want to talk about
your fuck one of those
no have ever
fucked one of
those yeah no
is this really a
sponsor of yours yes really yes
i’m sponsored now by much
to the fucking
angst of my management company
they’re not
this is wow
this is jenna finds butthole
is it really
jenna hayes butthole yeah
i don’t know
it smells like someone’s butthole what no
they just robert
just it doesn’t
smell good that
doesn’t smell good
well you could always
put some roses on
it but these
fucking things
my manager was this is the craziest
thing that anybody’s
ever give me when they give me advice
yeah tell me
and i’m like
it’s it’s a masturbation tool what’s the big deal
and he’s like well it’s pornographic
cause i guess it’s like a rubber pussy
yeah and i go how is it pornographic
it’s a masturbation tool and how is that pornographic
it’s a fake vagina
he goes well you use it when you
watch pornography
that doesn’t make sense that’s ridiculous
let’s what terrible advice is that
you use it while you watch pornography and then
re shaphere goes
so by that standard my sock is pornographic
which is you
know yeah what the fuck man come on that’s that’s
that’s pornographic yeah
a rubber butthole
then my stomach is really pornographic
the idea is that we’re
still living in this
childish world
we’re supposed to pretend that you don’t masturbate
and if you’re
admitting that you masturbate
which we all
should there’s nothing fucking
wrong with it this is
way better than jerking off can i see oh my goodness
this is crazy
they’re so good man
it’s way better you
squirt some lube in
there and you fuck the shit out have you done that yeah
i’ve done it that’s awesome not this one not that one
i wouldn’t do that to you
oh wow it’s really soft
oh dude it’s
that they have some sort of special patent on what the
the vagina and butthole
rubber is made out of it’s like
some special
fucking thing that’s
great man dude it’s outstanding it’s a hundred
times better than beating off and i’m not joking
and i’m not i’m not being a sell out here
look don’t buy
it if you don’t want to buy it i’m not saying you
should go out and buy it i mean
there’s a lot of other
things i’m sure that you’d probably need in your life
more you need a rubber vagina but
if you’re in the
market for a rubber vagina
yeah i fucking highly
recommend it if you’re the type of dude who jerks off
and we all do
especially if you do it it’s like a
daily thing to you
that’s way better
it’s i can’t even
without getting too graphic
i can’t even
describe how much better it is
all i’m saying is
lazy chicks
okay you gonna have to kick pick up your game
this is just the beginning okay
once they figured out this
what they figured out the
most difficult part they figured out a way to master
an artificial vagina
they mastered it it’s really
fantastic fantastic i’m not
bullshitting you really it’s not like some hard rubber
thing it feels like a pussy
it’s incredible i will sample
one and we will get you one and we will
get him one we’ll have
chris from flashlight
send one over to
tommy segura and
tommy please come back on the broadcast in the future
after he’s fucked it yep
and he’ll tell us all about it
it’s i mean i’m telling you man for the longest time
and this was chris the guy who
worked for the company
was describing to me for the longest time
women always
had vibrators and dildos and this and that and
rabbits and
and the fucking sibyan
yeah no one
ever had anything like that for dudes it’s kind of
weird man well
not only that it’s like you’re some kind of a fucking
loser if you go and buy any of that shit anyway
if you’re one of
those dudes who goes out and buys like
like a rubber
like a rubber
pussy to fuck at some sex shop yeah
sick fuck yeah you know
most guys are
never gonna get past the embarrassment
of walking through
those big and yeah
sex shop it’s horrifying
and trying out all the different rubber pussies and
you know i’m saying
how do you know
which one’s for you
you know oh this one vibrates do you really want your
dick to vibrate no probably not it’s like
it’s like you’re fucking a shaver
well you know yeah
why would you want to vibrate no
so you’d have
to like either that or you’d have to go get what a
magazine that reviews
hi my name is
harry and i fucked
everything yeah this is what i
think yeah you know it’s fuck it was difficult
but because
the internet now all you have to do is you go to
flashlight com or whatever and you
order it you know
yeah it makes total
sense actually is it easy to
clean up too
yes it’s very easy to
clean up i think this
thing is getting me off of here
is it no no
okay i don’t
understand yeah it’s
super easy to clean up
you you unscrew the top you put it in the faucet
cleans it out
it’s fucking it’s nothing
i mean it’s kind of
gross you feel like a
total loser once you just
shot a load and
you never feel like a winner but
that just goes
along with all masturbation i always feel like a
loser when my load
shooting i have a whole joke
about it i have
this whole bit about
no matter what
when it’s over like
right when it’s
over no matter who you are
you’re a loser you michael jordan
yeah when you’re
just sitting there with a load in your stomach like
you get that
heavy breathing kind of comes to an end and you’re like
wow i always say that i feel the same way
after i jerk off
what there’s what i
when i play xbox for like nine
hours in a row
that same feeling yeah
yeah like you just what am i doing real loser
you’re a you had a
bunch of shit you were supposed to do
and now it’s two in the morning
and you have to go to bed you didn’t do shit yeah
you fucking
loser i’m weak
that’s what i tell myself you’re a person
do you do struggle a lot of
comics struggle with
self indulgence do you struggle with that big time yeah
oh god that’s
definitely probably so hard when
no one’s telling you what time you
have to get up it’s so hard not to just get up at noon
and just beat off all over yourself go
right back to
sleep yeah you’re
describing like the last few years of my life
like and i and i’m with that i’m like that with
everything like
i like to like
it’s all about like
sleeping in jerking off
eating good food
yeah and anything that like feels good
i i’m surprised
i don’t have needles in my arm sometimes like
cause we were you and i were on
the road once and we decided to get krispy kreme donuts
at like one o’clock in the morning we went off
where the fuck was that
was that tampa
was it wait no if it was yeah
well it wasn’t krispy kreme though
right or was it krispy kreme i
think it was or
maybe it wasn’t
it was some awesome donuts whatever the fuck it was
but dude we attack
those bitches
and we both knew that we really
shouldn’t be doing it and you had this look like all
right fuck it let’s go
ahead it was
just like as if i
asked you to do it go do some
crank with me yeah i
haven’t been doing it but
fuck it let’s go do
it and then i’m most like
like if somebody gives me
permission yes that’s what it’s like yeah
like i’m kind of like
going through life waiting for somebody
to give me permission
so it’s like
if somebody’s like dude
do you wanna do this
cause i’m gonna do this then i go
i have no control yeah what is that man what is that
about comedians
that just like
are looking for any excuse to do the wrong
thing wrong
thing it’s like that’s what feels good
but feels good to do the
wrong shit yeah
it’s because
what makes you become a comedian is you’re resisting
everything that everybody else wants you to do
you’re resisting
you’re resisting being polite
because you’re
thinking rude shit
which is why you’re
funny right
right you know you’re saying that rude shit to get the
laughs from people so you’re disturbing everybody
no so you’re resisting
like the way to become good and to become
funny is to be the guy that’s willing to say that shit
i mean that’s why so many people say
about comedians like
like oh dude i can’t
you say shit that i
think about all the time
but i never have the
guts to say it i mean how many times do people say that
absolutely about
especially you
nail some current events
issue they do that’s exactly
what i thought but i didn’t have the balls to say
yeah it’s like that that
that willingness
to say shit that’s like inappropriate or that
other people
would think was offensive
that’s like what makes you a
comic in the
first place sure
you know so
it’s like it’s all like a
party your whole
system i get you wanna
it’s almost like we’re designed
to not fit in
we’re designed to just
step away from all of it and poke fun at it
so it makes it so hard to
get your shit together
yeah it does man makes it so hard to be disciplined and
to show up for anything on time
is it like but you
gotta have like you have discipline though
right i mean as a i have some
i’m not the best at it i
force myself to do certain
things because i know that like like with my body
i’m a naturally
like i have a lot of energy
yeah you know and i have a lot of
aggressive energy and i my
whole life i’ve been doing martial arts
since i was a child
so it’s like
literally there’s been no time where i
haven’t done
it that’s something whether it’s kickboxing or
jiu jitsu or something
that explosive
expenditure of energy has always been a part of my life
so if i take time off
and i don’t do it for
three or four days or something like that
i start getting really antsy
and i get this
build up and i just fucking i just i just
wanna get it out and i get
annoyed in traffic
and i snap at
people when i shouldn’t be snapping out i get
upset about
things that i shouldn’t get upset at
yeah you know but when i’m not doing that when i’m
training all the time
and i’m even
down just so mellow
it’s like i feel like i can be me
i enjoy life more i feel like there’s less stress
in my body so
i can interpret the outside stress way better
so it’s almost like
dictated by your
way you operate
to be that way
well you know and it’s
also you know the way my mind developed too growing up
we moved a lot around a lot and i don’t know my dad i
haven’t talked to him
since i was six years old or seven
haven’t seen him
since i was six
haven’t talked to him
since i was
seven so i was raised by my stepfather and we
moved around a lot
so i always had to like
fight against a lot of kids and different neighborhoods
yeah there’s always a lot of bullshit that i had to
fight against so my instincts
are always to resist all the shit that’s
going on because people are just gonna say
stupid shit and get you in bad situations like
so i grew up with that
and then the physical
thing like fighting
things so it’s always resisting
everything’s resisting yeah which is
terrible because then you resist your own direction
and your own
ideas and you can have like a plan like hey i’m gonna
take care of my body i’m
gonna you know
eat certain foods because they’re healthy you’re gonna
work out you know in a certain time
every day because that’s what i really need to get done
i’m gonna start writing material
every day even though it’s for you and it’s a good
thing and you’ll enjoy
every single moment of all of it you
still resist doing it because it’s some sort of a plan
and anything that’s a plan is like i’ll get this
stupid shit
yeah yeah exactly yeah and that’s kind of like i think
every like comic
has that like resistance to for the most part like
this is how this is the status quo
like this yeah
yeah that’s a big part of it
right yeah that’s kind of like why you’re a standup
because you you
it’s weird because like the resistance
makes you a
comic and at the same time
to a degree if you’re resistant
to too much it will hold you back from doing well
at comedy you have to realize somewhere
along the line that the reason why you got into comedy
is probably a bad reason
and for most of
us it’s like we want an unnecessary amount of adulation
we want an un
you know we want more attention than the
other people do because
we feel like we didn’t get it when we were young
right you know it’s a
crazy build up
but then somewhere
along the line your
motivation has to
switch you have to kind of
understand what it really is
you know what i always say
about it is like
at a certain
point in time
there’s gotta be a transition
in your life as a comedian
where you start doing
it for the work and for the art and for the creation
of something to joy and making something that people
enjoy instead of
doing it so that people will like you
doing it so
that you can get all this attention and adulation on
stage you know because that’s what when you want
the beginning you just want to be the fucking man yeah
get out there and kill yeah yeah yeah you
know and you want you want approval
you know you want people to be like you’re
great and then
if you have a great set
and people tell you
stuff and you realize
how validating it was
then you realize how desperate you were
yeah i mean
when you feel so good
you’re so valid is so
happy by that
that great show early on
you just like how bad did i need that right
disturbing that i fucking
need people to be like
oh you’re so amazing
it’s weird though
because that’s the only
thing that really creates comedy though
otherwise you probably are not gonna be
motivated enough to go through the beginning
yeah yeah yeah
cause how brutal is the beginning it’s awful it’s
awful man people don’t know how painful it is to bum on
stage and how deserving it is
like you fucking deserved a bomb when you go yeah
you know you really do deserve it
yeah you know when you’re bombing it’s
cause you fucking
really do suck and you’re supposed to feel that shitty
yeah because
you’re not supposed to be demanding attention you’re
not supposed to be with a
microphone with an amplified voice
your opinion’s not that interesting no it’s
not and all
these people hear that and it just
drives them fucking nuts man
you’re not well thought out
you haven’t
lived that much probably if you
started young enough
you don’t have that much
experience you don’t know what you’re talking about
you’re fucking 21 years old yeah you
think you’re
smart but you’re not
you know cause like when you like it’s like being your
age now and you look
back at yourself 10 years ago you’re like i’m a fucking
idiot is there
anything worse than
21 year old kids that
think they have the fucking political system
wired and they
want to talk
about politics on
stage oh it’s the
worst man oh
it really tears you up it’s so
silly it’s like
it’s one thing if they have a valid
point or a silly
point or something like that
but when they
start like telling you what’s
wrong with republicans and
you know that the
democrats are trying to do this but the republicans are
trying to do that and they’re stopping them and like
what are you fucking
what yeah it’s
no it’s not like i’m at a loss
for words sometimes you have to be fucking old as shit
for me to take you
serious when it comes to politics oh yeah man i have
to know that you’ve been paying attention to this at
least at least
abstractly for
fucking decades
cause you have to be old
in order to have even a
somewhat objective
like unemotional
opinion about it
young people just go like this is fucked up man
like they’re not looking at it
for what it really is yeah they’re looking at it from
their hardcore
bias towards one side or the
other they’re not telling you what really is
going on no they’re just like i really disagree
with what the
other people are doing and
which is like that’s your
that’s just your fucking opinion
do you guys hear that
water is that
water annoying
mrs rogan’s running the fucking hose
this is such
a low rent podcast
situation hold on let me tell her to stop
yeah oh i’ll be
right back ladies
dylan tommy talk
about your childhood
okay my childhood
it was really bad i was beaten
and hit a lot and i did a lot of drugs
stick to the
script oh that’s nice oh wow that was quick
no no water they didn’t hear the
water that’s how i rule
there was water going on in the background this is from
my days working on fear factor we always have to
check for sound issues in the
background like occasionally would be
planes with flowers
to stop filming
i hear that
sound that starts to distract the shit out of me
that’s how i run my house
folks with a fucking iron fist
all right when i’m doing a podcast to be no
water in the
plants god damn it
um so we’re talking
about needy being needy being a comedian
the worst is when people don’t recognize
that and they don’t change and they keep that
goofy fucking ego like into their thirties and forties
you know and they’re you know
still trying to be the fucking man and
and what i really hate is the
like like what i call like the raw raw
comics like
like they have like a fake uh
enthusiasm yeah or or a fake with the
worst is fake and raged
yes oh like it’s the
worst like there’s one dude specifically
who drives me
crazy and i’ll tell you
i don’t want to be mean
yeah i don’t want to be mean i’ll tell you i had a guy
i wouldn’t tell you
where but i’ll tell you afterwards
that opened for me that his whole
thing was like
how fucked up this is man
and like it was just like there were
these contrived it
was contrived
rants about like
the man and like how
he was such a fucking rebel
and like he got you know and the
crowd just like yeah i’m like
you’re like dude
what you did is you just gave a stump speech
like you know you’re
running for office up there yeah and but in his mind
he is a brilliant revolutionary
comic you know
that’s for me like
the most pain i worked with the dude once and the dude
actually said this to the audience he said something
stupid something political
and then he paused and he goes
that usually gets an applause break
he actually said that
that’s great
could you imagine
could you imagine even
thinking that way
like thinking like why are you not giving
me my claps i deserve claps this is that we have to
agree on this
point yeah we should all
agree on this
like you know
applause breaks have to come
you can’t expect them oh my god
you can’t be looking for them that’s
gross and honestly
the ones that like
i have gotten are
never ever like did you
think they were
gonna happen there
like it’s always like
just a natural
thing you know you’re like whoa i can’t believe
that’s the line or that’s the
point of view that gets an applause
break like yeah
it’s so crazy that somebody’s like
crafting them that
crafting applause
i had a friend of mine
when i was coming up he used to say
when people
start clapping
you gotta pause and just hold it
and they’ll keep clapping
and a lot of times you’ll get an applause
break when you wouldn’t have gotten one that’s horrible
what the fuck are you talking
about man is that better for them
cause they’re all in there together that’s ridiculous
you’ll see to the mugging
for like when the punch line is not that good and then
right some some comics will like
say the punch line and then
the crowds like kind of
laughing and then they’ll give them the like a
like there and a
pause and a
smile like that’s
where it was and see if they’ll come along for it
or the worst is like
set is over
and you’ll see somebody kind of like force
like i’m done like
let’s force how much
you’re gonna respond
at the end of my set like i know you just kind of
stand there so the
crowd is uncommon have you ever
seen a guy ask for a
standing ovation oh yeah yeah
isn’t that the funniest shit ever
i can’t that’s so terrible
i’ve seen guys
they stay on
stage to go
ladies and gentlemen last
night i had
a shower wasn’t even as good as this i got a
standing ovation
so i don’t even know how y’all
gonna react
what the fuck is this guy doing he was like one of
those singing comedians
he would go up and sing songs he
would like you know like pretend he was like this guy
and like it wasn’t even like really
funny it’s just like he could
sound like those guys oh oh no
last night it
sounds like a
silly thing to worry
about you know it sounds like it’s like why do you care
about fake enthusiasm
you know why do you care about that
the reason why you care about that is because
you realize that someone’s operating on a
level that only works
against someone who doesn’t know that it’s a trick
but to everybody else who does
it doesn’t work
the only time it gets us
is someone who really really knows the trick
is it’s gotta be real it’s gotta be a real genuine
thought that this guy has it’s really
funny and well put together
and then it’ll get us
so it’s like when we see like an audience
laughing at something that’s not
funny to us like it’s almost like insulting
it is it’s exactly what
it is yeah it’s like you fuck you trying to get me to
laugh with that yeah you know
you know that it’s a
trick like you can
sense you’re like
that’s what he just did was he just you know
he just waves his hands
like that you know you know that it wasn’t like genuine
that’s the thing is you can
you when you
do it long enough and you see it long enough
you can tell when it’s genuine
when it’s really like somebody’s
point of view
now one of the
weirdest things
about tommy is
tommy is actually
married to a comedian
and she’s fucking really funny
and i saw her for the
first time was it like last
thursday what’s your wife’s name
again christina pajitski yeah
she doesn’t keep
tommy segura’s name
notice that yeah who’s wearing the
pants in that house huh
not me not me
she keep your name man her last name is
ridiculous her last name is
completely absurd why is she trying to keep that
stupid name well she’s
she’s been doing
stand up for
like you know
eight years
or something well you don’t want to lose that fucking
giant following
so maybe that’s her fucking problem she’s so funny
maybe that’s just been holding her back is that name
i know i know i’ve been
to and i took i’d really fucking hold her down like
to check to get even like
the do the driver’s license change not
really because she was just like it takes a lot of work
wow support you huh
yeah i was like fucking change
i want to own you
bitch and no i don’t
know that i
think that’s just like that’s weak
i know a dude who is a comic
in new york and he did the hyphen
thing and he took
her name last that’s fucking unforgivable and he was a
comic and not just a comic but an established comic
i mean this is a guy who had a good following
really yes he had a good following he had done a
bunch of tv shows
he had you know done like the evening of the improv
sort of circuit he could headline he
would headline in clubs around town so he had like
he had like a real reputation of following
and this fucking guy
took his wife’s name last it was
ridiculous that’s the
death of him right that’s well eventually she want to
breaking up with them and that was the death
well it was even weirder
still because this guy used to get on
stage and proclaim himself to be a feminist
that’s great
which is ridiculous for women okay
just like it’s just as ridiculous to
like be like all into being an american
you know like and look
america for sure is the best country but
guess what douchebag you know
you were born here you know
you didn’t do anything to make this country is awesome
yeah you know what you do
what did you do to make this the best you know did
you a part of the declaration of independence
did you you know come on man you’re
proud of being born a certain
patch of dirt that’s so it makes no sense you have that
respecting the
ideals and respecting
what it is to you and and and being
proud to be a part of
what’s supposed to be
the civilization that’s at the cusp of
humanity and that’s what we’re supposed to be
we’re the people that move from
everywhere else what america’s supposed to be is
we’re the people who came from
everywhere else and came to this one spot
so the ideal of it
should be like you
should have some
pride in the
ideal but i
think that somehow another you’re better
because you’re
from this dirt and you got a problem with some
other dudes from that dirt
what the fuck you have no credit or
blame for where you’re born ever like it’s absurd to
think that like it’s why
you can go you know what
like people that are born in like the congo you’re like
that fucking sucks man
that guy did
nothing to deserve being born in a horrible
place yeah but also like you didn’t do anything
amazing to be born in fucking
you know yeah it’s like you’re doing
great to have a
vagina you didn’t you’re
you didn’t ask to be a
woman i don’t
you know and
to be a feminist
like to only like
being into like feminine
values and pushing forth
i understand that you
think that you’re
fighting against something i totally
understand that
but we should all be
against oppression for everyone
not just oppression for women
to concentrate on that just as a
group like every
feminist i have ever met to a
woman and i’ve only met two
been really fucking
annoying how
about probably went
more into were they were
no they were horrendous
one of them had an argument with
at the comedy
store some crazy lady
who like started insulting me i try to be like
super nice to her
this is a video of it online
she’s like a performance artist
slash feminist and
and she like
she fucking turned on me i
tried to like
just talk to her she was asking me questions and she
actually interrupted a conversation that i was having
with somebody else
and she started talking to me and then somewhere
along the line she kept
telling me to
look in her eyes when i was talking to her i just got
i got annoyed and i just
started attacking her
which is yeah
which is what i tend to do
when people are douchey
they’re never i
think that whole like i mean just i’m totally for
like like i said nobody
being discriminated
against right
absolutely but like the
people who really subscribe to like when it’s a woman
that really subscribe so i
gotta be a champion of women
i find for the most of the part most of the time
it’s women that were not ever like
pursued that the guys didn’t really want them and they
go off like it’s
never a really
attractive woman that
rights men like
climbing all over
fighting all over of
course to get to her and if she is she’s fucking
crazy she’s out of her mind
she’s never mind
yeah it’s like
i always feel
about the same way i always feel
about guys like al
sharpton guys like
jesse jackson that are only involved in
black and white issues
only involved in
black people issues i’m like fucking really and
really and they’re
and they’re only involved
their only motivation
and their only
motivation is they love being on camera
right well and being on camera is the reason why i
wear fucking expensive suits and driving beautiful cars
they have become the
voice of discrimination
that’s fucking ridiculous
you have one person or two people
and one of them how
about al sharpton
he starts his
whole career
started out over a
false rape accusation by some
crazy chick
that he got behind they blamed it on
white people as
tijuana brawley case
if you don’t know
about this she
smeared shit on her own body and
claimed that she got
raped really you didn’t know the story
you gotta look it up google
tijuana brawley
al sharpton
it’s a hilarious
story it’s like
she falsely accused people of rape
and he you know
made his career out of
you know getting in the public eye
and you know and making a
big deal out of this and turning into his gigantic rape
issue i think that guy loves
when when any
black person has something
like scandalous have yet
he loves it
he gets to come on be like this is a travesty
yeah he gets to talk it’s
fucking bullshit man yeah it’s it’s incredible that
there’s there’s
two guys that are at the
forefront of any like public
issue that has to do with race
and it’s do with
black and white people
but it does not race either
because if there’s some gigantic
vietnamese and
white person
issue this i fucking doubt
you’re gonna see
jesse jackson on tv trying
to that’s the
thing man is that like they asked al
sharpton one time
hey would you because he
came to the rescue of like some i don’t know he came to
speak out because oh some kid like got kicked out of
school for fighting at the
school and as a
black kid of course
right and he
was like of course what
the fuck you saying
well i mean i
wouldn’t care i
wouldn’t show up if it wasn’t a
black person
so they go like
words will you fucking
would you do
would you care
would you show up
if like if it was a
white kid he was
absolutely if they were to
reach out to me
i would that’s complete bullshit he well
maybe it’s not
i don’t know
sharpton he’s so
whorish that
he might go
on just for the opportunity to show that he’s not just
about black but it’s
never happened but nobody invites him yeah
if a white kid gets in
trouble nobody’s
gonna invite i’m
gonna call him i’m gonna
next time some
white shit happens
i’m calling out
sharpton and i’m
gonna ask him to please show up
how do we fix that how do we fix this
ridiculous idea
that black people and
white people
and that like you
know there’s a
group of them and they’re
against a group of us and men against
women against
i would say these
three types of people in the world
morons assholes
and people you
can hang out with and that’s reality and there
might be some people in
those people that you can hang out that you
truly love there’s a
broad spectrum and
other people that you can just tolerate
sure but that’s the group it’s
morons assholes and people you can hang out with
and sometimes you can hang out with assholes if you
know them well enough or if you grew up with them and
there’s a bunch of people that i grew up with that i
still keep in
touch with that i probably
would never talk to
if i didn’t grow up with them oh
sure guys i used to do martial arts with and
stuff and there’s a
bunch of dudes
and i’m happy to talk to them and i’m
happy they’re in my life
but the reality is if i met him
today we wouldn’t be such
close friends oh
i know exactly
right yeah absolutely
but the idea that we
still do this in
2010 like is that
gonna change ever
are we ever gonna like
melt together to be one fucking big
giant mocha race
you know like a combination of everybody and just
drop all the nutty diversity that
causes problems
i think in this country it’s
gonna come pretty fucking
close people love diversity don’t get me
wrong a lot of people say oh diversity
doesn’t cause problems
racism cause problems
know it’s actually a challenge
to look at people and
judge them not by
you know as martin luther
king said by the
color of their skin by the content of the character
you know that’s a challenge and that’s a good
thing and it’s
and i agree yeah
definitely for me it is i like having a
bunch of different people but i don’t know
if like as a race if we can figure out a way as a
human race to
not differentiate because of the way we look
i don’t know if we can i mean
it’s on that
like people’s natural instinct
is to like and i’m saying
what’s the judge but it’s also to be
drawn to people like you
right that’s just and it’s not even a
that’s not totally true because why do
black guys like to fuck so many
white girls
what’s that about man
they only go for the pigs
no they don’t that’s just the ones they can get
well listen man
there’s a lot of
black dudes out there fucking a lot of
white girls don’t go crazy
no yeah i agree
but especially
athletes like you ever seen like michael jordan
he’s always with tens
everywhere he goes oh
but that’s michael jordan
getting in his car with a ten
you know i’m saying but they’re all
white he’s got a badass like i
think she’s like a cuban
bitch right now
she’s out yeah
look at tiger woods all hot
white chicks you know
yeah yeah but
tiger woods is an amalgamation
himself but
when you’re out you usually see the brothers with like
a chick i mean you know
i don’t go to the really good
places so maybe
they’re really good
places but i
usually see them with fucking animals like the
beast oh yeah
and anne it’ll be like a chick who
is driving him
be like i just got you some shoes and like
that’s not a bad deal yeah look i think
water seeks its own level
and if that ugly chick can get a good looking
black man to fuck the shit out of her
every week and
so what if he robs her every now and then
but don’t you think
with that but wait do you
think though like if you were to walk into like a
whatever a room somewhere
and there and it was it was segregated
wouldn’t be the inclination that you would go towards
the white people yeah
i wish i wouldn’t
but it depends on where i am
you know but i don’t think that’s even like
if it’s a group of people like if it’s a
group of comedians or something like that no
that’s just like if it’s a group of comedians it’s like
it’s a you’re all the same
right don’t you feel like that yeah you walk into a
group you know
if but if you don’t know
them if you don’t know anything you didn’t know anybody
yeah you might go towards the
white guy and but a
black guy would walk
with depends on how the
black guys are dressed
addresses suits and
ties and they look like businessmen
yeah then i
might go to them you know
but what if they all had on blue or red caps and and
then i would go to the white guys
i’ll go to the biggest fattest
white guy to
stand behind in case
shit happens yeah
real close to the door i try to
angle myself try to line up the room
you know but i
think like if
you go in somewhere you’ll see like you know
asians will be with
asians and latin people
yeah well i
think it’s also
a part of our
natural inclination from back when we were
tribes of monkey people
to select a group
and to stay with that
group and to assume that all the
other groups are
against you
know i mean that’s what we do with
sports teams
that’s what we do in with
state pride you know that’s what we do in the north
versus the south
it’s really all the same thing
yes like it’s all team shit
you know there was
a theory that we talked
about on here
on the show before that this
came up with it’s called dunbar’s number
and dunbar’s number is
it’s all about the number of people
that you’re capable of remembering and having
stable relationships with
and it’s like
150 people is the most
and that’s the theory the theory is oh
it’s right or not but it’s pretty
close in my opinion knowing a lot of people i think
150 people sounds
about right yeah it’s
like you can’t have that many more people in your life
because if you do it’s just too confusing and you
don’t have the capacity to remember it it’s almost like
our culture
has evolved so far that it’s an operating
system that are
hard drive isn’t capable of processing like
what our operating
system is our operating
system and our memory and our hardware is set up for
living you know in fucking
you know 10 000 bc
yeah rolling
sticks with rocks
sharp rocks at the end of it as at moving animals yeah
our hardware
has barely evolved past that
but our software our culture
is just fucking like
crazy there’s
three hundred million of us all in this
one continent and all supposed to be on the same team
and there’s so much disconnection
that we try to get
like little
small connections the the
tribe itself is too massive
i think like
thousands and thousands of years ago like you know
when people had
when we were
tribes of hunters and gatherers and were nomadic and
everything like that like
the bond between people in those
tribes must have
been so fucking intense really so much better and more
more cooperation more love for each
other more community than we have today
i mean do you even fucking
know your neighbors man do you know your neighbors
but i think part
no i do not
actually this guy who lives over here is a douchebag
i know that he lets his dogs go out and they bite
other people’s dogs
then you know i got this guy up the
street it’s kind of a pain in the ass and this lady’s
weird and so he’s
asked weird questions it’s like
i barely know
these fucking people i waved a few of
them yeah you know some of them i like to see him but
it’s not like it used to be man i live
i live doors down i live in an
apartment yeah i live
like and you
even know the people next to you don’t know
their names that’s crazy yeah
you’re living in like a
hotel yeah i
think it’s you know part of it is that i feel like
today it’s almost like
like we kind of
almost in a
weird way encourage people to be
selfish yeah
we tell people like
don’t waste your time
with that don’t do this and that for so and so like
it’s like you’re saying
look out for yourself shit yeah
but it’s kind of like
it’s almost like that’s
because there’s too many of us yeah don’t go out of
your way for somebody man that’s kind of the way it’s
our culture has
evolved into this
weird place
to deal with the fact that there’s so many of us
i mean that’s really what it is
there’s just too fucking many
human beings in this one
place yeah you know for for the way we’re
wired not too many beans
mean obviously
it’s not sustainable if we keep growing at this rate
but the rate
like right now we have enough food if
we you know
everything and do mean we’re feeding
people you know we are getting it done right now
yeah but man
we’re set up for much
smaller groups oh yeah that shit will
hypnotize you you can’t look at that i know i’m
sorry i got distracted
fuck with you
and then you won’t be able to have a conversation yeah
sorry and the chat will
blind you with its retardation
there’s some cool people in that trap but there’s some
monsters in there
there’s some fucking monkeys
so anyway the way we got out to this subject was
feminism and the idea that this poor fuck who
changed his name was actually a male feminist
that that’s
that that’s it’s so depressing so sad
a woman being a woman being
a mail list is that a is that a word
you know could you imagine a woman who like
sticks up for men’s rights that would be just a whore
that’s all you would think about that girl that
might be like a girl that survives on loads
that’s part like if she
doesn’t have them she doesn’t live
yeah she’s like a lowed vampire
yeah give me
those chug chug chug could you imagine what a
ridiculous idea that a woman would be a maleist
you know and everybody would have such a definitive
what was the word
is there a word i don’t think there is even a word
feminist is such a common part of our vocabulary
but the male pro male yeah is like
like us 101 was like as close as we got
but any yeah any
woman that would be only into men you would
know chicks would
trust that fucking bitch no no way for a
second she’s doing
you know like standing up for men’s rights and chick
no chicks would trust her and guys would
just like they’d be all over it but they would also be
like you would be like something’s
wrong with this bitch yeah
they would think it’s a gimmick too
which i thought with him with this guy he would go on
stage and talk about on stage how he’s a feminist and i
would be like oh my god
and with chicks just cheer like yeah
the broken ones yeah
the broken ones that like to see a man who’s fucking
who’s weak and wearing a bridle in his mouth
with marks on his ass yeah that’s you know
that’s for a fuck
it’s a sad guy man
the groups man
you know it’s very hard
to be a female comedian and this is
where we all got started from you know this you
wouldn’t your wife wouldn’t change her name yeah yeah
so your your wife even though she won’t change her name
still very funny and
how long she been doing comedy yeah about eight years
eight years yeah by years
so you guys would like pretty similar timelines
yeah how many years you’ve been doing it now eight
eight yep hmm
where’d you meet her
i met her in a room doing
the show yeah
did you fuck her that night no enough time
she had a different boyfriend at the time
really yeah you
stole that bitch well now they
broke up i mean they
were having anything to do with them
breaking out no nothing nothing i always
thought she was cool
yeah i thought they were cool nice and like i just
i thought i
liked her but i was like that’s just like not
gonna happen like
they were together a
while man like few years
how did he fuck up
don’t know i don’t know how he fucked up
i mean i know that she left
tommy buns into the picture
i fucked up
she just decided i guess that she wasn’t gonna
marry that guy so wow
yeah then i came in there and i just took that shit
you just grabbed it yeah just came in and took what
she was vulnerable yeah you got her on the rebound
yeah i’m totally
i totally did how many weeks
after the breakup did you get her i think it was like
i think like a couple months had passed couple
months i think so
she’s a good person she’s
thinking huh yeah yeah
chicks get mad
so they get so mad when you
break up with a chick and you have a new one
right away yeah
angry yeah yeah you know a friend of ours is
going through a situation like that right now
can’t really talk about
yeah yeah but his his access
angry at him oh cause
yeah i bet it’s really high
angry like a motherfucker yeah yeah yeah
yeah she whatever
what you do man
that can’t be good man yeah
you know this that attachment that people have to each
other so fucking intense that when they break
when someone
breaks up with you and then
starts dating someone else that you feel like they
stole from you like they
stole your happiness
you know it’s like
where’s my fucking happiness and why am i
why is my happiness been replaced with deep
sorrow and sad
devastating feeling man
crushing man there’s nothing actually
like separate from that that makes you feel that
quite that way
i can’t think of anything
else like death
yeah it’s like
death it’s like a
death a dog dies more than a dog dies
a friend dies a friend or
yeah yeah it’s a devastating
thing for people man
it’s because
nature has its
setup that we attach to each other
that we become
addicted to each
other and then we
literally having that person in your life it’s like
your whole formula
your your whole
like balance is it’s
requires having that person in the system
right you have a
whole system and
that person you go to for your love and your sex and
your and they
like a lock into your grid and
you know when
they’re gone it’s like you have this gaping hole
where that person used to be yeah
and most people just try to fill that
bitch up real
quick yeah yeah
what’s the next one
the next one
yeah we got a leak
you know plug it up
it’s weird man but it’s all set up so that we
breed it’s all like
these weird little
biological tricks
you know like
the the irrationality of the
breakup depression
it’s so intense and you
could tell people all day
it doesn’t matter there’s
other people out there you’re
gonna do but it
doesn’t matter you can say
you can rationalize all day
and there’s
gonna be times
where people make
phone calls they
should not fucking make
you know it’s over
but if i just call her
maybe i never expressed myself
maybe i never did it the right way
and then you call and then there’s that
empty feeling
where you’re talking to them they really
don’t want to talk to you and they’re like listen
i think i need
to be by myself listen just give me a chance
just try no
i am with someone
right now and like what
then you’re what and then
and then you hang up and then you can’t
sleep and you’re devastated
like what a trick
what a terrible
trick and if
you look back on some of the times you’ve had
those situations and
how fucking
happy you are that they
you broke up with that person oh
sure man yeah
how many times
does that happen when you look back on like
like when i was 21 and my
girlfriend broke up with me i was so sad
for like a week i couldn’t believe i thought she was
gonna be the one
we’re gonna have
babies together and shit but now i
think back i’m like what if i got
stuck with her oh yeah
oh all right i
think about just like times
where like i went out even you know
when i was like wanted to pursue somebody and then like
maybe went out with him a few times and it
didn’t work out didn’t evolve
and how that was like
like you know like depressing you like right
and you met and then you get to like you
sort of get
to know the person from a distance you like you imagine
but ended up like if that had worked out i
would be miserable
today you ever had an
angry girlfriend
no i’ve got a few
angry ones no i’ve had a few
angry ones the
angry ones are so strange
because you just tolerate
like this this
yelling and this craziness in your life you
tolerate people getting pissed you tolerate negativity
and then you realize one day like you
break up with them and you go okay
the the fucking
noise has stopped yeah like
the my i feel so much better like
i was dating a fucking
crazy person
shaking your
core yeah i was dating
some fucking some
monster some some deficit in my life you know yeah i i
i lived with somebody who
no no not but not a
girlfriend had roommates
and one of my roommates
dated a fucking a monster
when they ended it it was like the whole
like the whole
apartment complex
calmed down like it you know i mean it was like
right right
i do is supposed to be this
chill yeah you were
you were bringing fucking
devastation to this
place every day
why did you invite an earthquake in here
every single day like that’s do she roommates do she do
anything do she in your life you
gotta you gotta figure out a way to
separate yourself from that like that’s like number one
like any shit you have to deal with like if
you have a fucked up job and it’s a bad situation you
gotta get the fuck out
oh man just go
yeah you can’t just swallow that
there’s a reason why so many guys go postal
you know you hear that
expression postal
i mean there’s a reason why that
expression exists
cause that job sucks yep
that job is
boring as fuck and you work with a
bunch of assholes
and one day you go i’m
gonna get a fucking gun and i’m gonna kill
every last one of you douchebags
because they
have been the source of your pain and frustration
every goddamn day
you show up at work there’s negativity
there’s and
not saying that the guy who
shoots him isn’t the fucking
the cause of it
yeah yeah sure
but it’s like to them like there’s
you know they’re hard wired
wrong so whatever whatever the fuck
the reason they hate it
you know they get there and it’s just shit
every day it’s shit and with other
there’s so many people out there that just
hate everyone they have to deal with
everything and they
have bosses that fuck with them and and
and you realize too man like
after you know when you get like a little bit older you
start to figure out that like you’re in control
of of like your own happiness in a lot of ways like you
are but you’re not when you get all locked up with debt
the thing is you get a car and you get an
apartment and you know in
you know you have bills you have to pay
every fucking month
that’s when things get
tricky cause then
especially in
this economy like what do you do you fucking just
cast yourself
off freed you quit this without having another job
no what do you do i
think that well there’s like borderline like
you don’t be a fucking like i’m just
gonna quit everything but like
if you’re really fucking miserable
either at your job
or in a relationship or even like with like
a friend or whatever it is
you can fucking make that better like
you can get you can
leave somebody
you can look for another
job i know it’s i’m not saying it’s easy get your
own shit together you can get your shit together you’re
getting your own shit together the only way you’re ever
gonna really have a fun life and a fun relationship now
is if you deal with your own personal bullshit
like you can’t have a good relationship
you got a lot of personal bullshit absolutely
absolutely yeah there’s no such
thing as somebody with
who’s got a
a bunch of fucking
their own issues and has
great relationships you know like it’s just
you have to
straighten your shit up but i’m just saying like
you can make a decision
to not be miserable how many times do you ever get that
speech where
people ask you like hey
um how do you how did you get
started in comedy
if i wanted to do comedy how
would i get
started and they’re like
thirty five or
thirty six oh yeah
dude i don’t even know what to tell you like you’re
gonna have to live like
a popper you
are you ready to get that hot tub time machine going
go back you can’t
start i mean you can well
robert schimmel did you know she
started when he was 36
sure fucking
crazy i’m pretty sure yeah
i’m pretty sure
he started fairly late
and i believe you already had a family
he did yeah i didn’t remember which is
that’s that
makes it even harder he’s hilarious dude very
funny i love
she’s sick right now
it’s again you
should have some sort of a
liver transplant
or something like that
i know yeah it’s very sad
he’s a great guy very very very
funny guy too
super funny and
super nice guy too
yeah i love that he can he
when you watch them like you’re
watching somebody who’s it seems like it’s
like effortless like there’s
there’s really like a
controlled like
lower amount of energy of your life
this guy looks like he’s ordering fucking a
sandwich or something and it’s hilarious
and the room is just fucking
exploding he’s a really good writer and
really good at painting
his pace and setting
he’s got his own like very particular
style super yeah
very unique style yeah
he’s fantastic and a lot of his stuff is very juvenile
which i respect yeah
yeah i mean he’s
got a lot of like you know like advanced dick jokes
now they’re like but they’re really
good and well written shit
you know he’s so fucking funny you
started late in life man that that the
likelihood of somebody being 36 and being as good as
robert schimmel
has got to be
i don’t know
like in the
like in the billions
right like that like
that’s not supposed to happen it’s not
supposed to happen usually when people
start out in their late
thirties they just
it’s too late
i started when i was
twenty one i
started just a few weeks
after my twenty
first birthday
i might turn twenty one
august eleventh nineteen
eighty eight
and august twenty
seventh is the
first time i went on stage
wow man yeah
what about you
i want i started
when i was twenty i
i just turned
twenty three yeah right
that’s a good time
right because you’re not a
you’re not locked into any sort of success
it’s not like you’re moving up the
corporate ladder and
you’re doing pretty good and you know you don’t
wanna you don’t want to fucking
sidetrack that and try to do
stand up and then have the
stand up not work out and you go well i
could have been a
success yeah yeah
i know a couple
guys that did that i know a couple guys that
because that’s hard to give up your lifestyle
if you got like it is you’re making good money
in a regular job it’s one of the hardest things
that that leap that untethering from the
system absolutely
make it into show business
quote unquote
especially something as volatile
stand up comedy
especially in the beginning
when you really
don’t know what the fuck you’re doing oh yeah you know
i was lucky i was
twenty one and i you know i had a
bunch of shit
going on martial arts wise i was
teaching and stuff but
i didn’t really have any
money you know i mean
i had a little
i had a car that i was making payments on and once i
started doing comedy i
didn’t have any
money i got
my car got repossessed i had to get the shit really
are yeah yeah
yeah i went broke
but there’s no
no other way around it you know no there’s not
when i think
about how many times i’ve approached
like a rice
basically devastation
is near financial devastation
when you can see it yeah
here’s the bank account and you go
and here’s the calendar and you know
how am i gonna make
money happen
right but then like it’s
weird it’s like
it’s like the universe provides right like
right when you’re like oh i don’t know what’s
gonna happen
something will happen as long as you keep
working as you’re working
as long as you
don’t sit around and wait for it to provide
as long as you keep hustling and keep
grinding you
know yeah the universe will provide
yeah you know and
ladies and gentlemen
i guarantee you you will
laugh if you do not
laugh at this you are a douchebag it’s thrilled
tom seguro you can get it on itunes
can you get
it on amazon you can get on amazon amazon com
you can get it at one of
tommy’s shows
where you at next
i’m at denver this week oh
comedy works downtown oh that’s the best one the comedy
works downtown is the shit i love that fucking place
thursday through
sunday and if you’re
lucky you probably stop snowing there
that’s right yeah true
it snowed in montreal saturday
did it really when we were leaving it was snowing
g7 may seventh
yeah may seventh or whatever the fuck it was and
thirty something degrees out
and snowing
all morning
and i hope it’s not that fucking cold i’m not
ready for that no denver’s not
gonna be that bad it’s already may it’s
gonna probably be like sixties
it would be nice
the colorado’s beautiful
in the spring spring and summer it’s fucking awesome
it’s gotta be
great you went up to my
house up there you know yeah dude
that shit was fucking sick
yeah that was sick
it was too bad a mountain lion
ate my goddamn dog did it really and yeah too bad my
chick doesn’t know how to
drive in the fucking snow
that’s part of the problem
she hit a wall a tree
and she hit
the side of a mountain she
is two separate accidents
and snowy road
she says not a driver the snow at all she grew up in
texas anyway
after the what a
second time
it was like i go on the road too much i’m like i can’t
leave you here you don’t know how to fucking
drive in the snow so
ridiculous when the mountains
should not i grew up in boston
dude i not only did i grow up in boston
i had a newspaper
route for five years
that means that for five fucking years
it didn’t matter how much snow was out i was driving
yeah i drove
every goddamn day
i know how to hit that slide
counter that bitch
i know how to stay calm and pump the
brakes i don’t
panic when my car
starts sliding yeah you know
because yeah i
throw papers out the window
and you know
i got a ton of accidents too
just growing up shit i must have
been in ten accidents by the time i was like twenty one
really from snow and ice and
everything snow and
ice and just being retarded
isn’t it amazing here in la or
california even i
guess how people
react to rain they fucking
panic like really lose
their mind no no idea how to
drive no idea that
well not only that it gets
slippery as fuck when the rain
first starts
and people don’t realize this
especially if you have shitty tires and shitty brakes
because the oil on the ground is
from driving and people’s
engines leaking
it never gets
rinsed off like it does in a normal city yeah it
just builds up
it doesn’t rain here for like fucking
months and months
and months and
months so this
months of millions and millions of cars
every day going to the same spot drip drip drip drip
so oil gets
everywhere and as soon as it rains
the first couple
hours is dangerous as fuck
because that shit is just like ice
it’s terrible people panic
people really
truly panic
there’s so many fucking people here that was
the number one reason why i wanted to
get out of california
moved to colorado
and the reason why i
moved to such a remote
place in the mountains
is i think that
it’s not healthy to be around this many people
know i’ve seen
these studies that they did with
rat population density studies
where they increase
the amount of rats in an area and they get fucking
crazy and start biting each other like
the reason why people don’t like each
other as much is like what we talked
about before we’re supposed to be in
groups small
groups where you know everybody
yeah you know
and we’re only
wired for like
150 you get a
place like la
where you’re
dealing with 20 million people plus mexicans
nobody knows how many people there really are yeah
you know like they send me the
senses and i’m like
get the fuck out of here with the
senses this is a joke yeah
you know how many mexicans i know
that are illegal i know a
ton of them oh yeah i know a
bunch of dudes i know dudes that i work out with i know
i know dudes at certain
stores that i go to
i know it’s dudes that
run businesses they run
their own cash
businesses they’re all mexicans and i know a
bunch of cooks
guys that work at this mexican restaurant that i go to
that’s fucking awesome they’re all illegals and they’re
never gonna answer that sentence
correctly yeah we’re
never gonna have the
right number on that
thing just shut up
you don’t know
you don’t know
there’s no way to tell
there’s no way to tell
this well the only way that’s
gonna tell by the time they can tell
we’re gonna be so far fucked with our
loss of privacy
i mean which is coming i mean that’s
gonna be the next
stage there’s
gonna be some sort of a drastic
decrease in the amount of privacy that we have to the
point where
either it’s gonna be
because technology
brings this on
because it’s just the
technology that
is created is so
immense and powerful
that you really do have like an instant access to
where everyone is
sort of like google for your life
yeah you know like
we have with google now you have an instant access to
to any sort of question
you have on anything you can immediately find out
at least an
idea of what the argument is pro and con and then
start researching into it instantly
well eventually we’re
gonna have something
along those lines
where you’re
gonna be able to know how many people are here
who the people are
you’re gonna be able to google
not even google but
someone who’s not even on google
yeah like my next door neighbor the carpenter
or whatever the fuck he is
you know i don’t know anything
about that guy
and there’s nothing
about him in the news he’s not a bad guy
he’s not a criminal or anything like that sure
you’re gonna be able to know
everything about him sure
you’re gonna be able to know his birthday you’re
gonna be able to know what his
childhood was like you
might be able
to you know
who knows and you’re
gonna know that people will know
everything about you yeah
which is the really vulnerable feeling like
you’re gonna be
you realize that like even now
things you do get
tracked you know yeah your credit card purchases
your surfing can be
how about when you ever use like yahoo
email or something like that
and you like you
you have like certain keywords and your
email and then i’ll show you like ads in the
right house oh yeah
you have to do with like the
email that somebody sent you
yeah yeah what the fuck and
how much more is that gonna
how much better
or more like
invasive is that
gonna be it’s
gonna be much more
you know what i mean we talked
about last week we talked about
smart dust it’s a new
technology that they’ve created
these little tiny
things that are
literally the size of a
grain of sand
and they will have the ability to
transmit and receive data and they will have
their own power supply
what yeah and
hp is working on a
whole project
right now just google
we’re not gonna talk
about it again but if
you’re interested in the idea and what it’s all about
just google smartdust
fascinating and hp
is involved in it and this is there they’re
gonna put trillions of sensors
all over the world
trillions of
these things
so literally they’ll be able to tell you like
where cars are parked
you know that this
house is on fire there’ll be a grid
where people will have access to information
far beyond like the
reach that we have now i already
feel like it’s
pretty like
i don’t know it’s like
upsetting that
i mean i think it’s necessary in a way
but it’s kind of like it makes me uncomfortable that
so many places have cameras you know
yeah but look at how that helped
no that’s what i’m saying i know that it’s a necessary
thing but it’s like
sorry i had to walk away from the
microphone and get my note
back but did
that look at
how that worked in new york with that guy that
tried to blow up that car right tom
square and the
camera busted
him absolutely
but at the same time you go man like
cameras watching me
everywhere i go
well that’s like and then there’s the tinfoil at
put that shit on you say well hey man
that guy’s that car didn’t even
bro blow up man
what they did was
that’s all black ops dude that’s all fucking
co intel pro
what they do is you know alex
jones style you
well they do
basically the guy that is in that van
is working for the federal government
ladies and gentlemen we have the
papers we have the documents
he works for the government
he sets up a
faulty bomb
it doesn’t work
it’s not scientific
it lights on fire
they arrest him they
get him they tell you they got him because of covert
video cameras
and they need to protect you
so to protect us
they’re gonna put
video cameras everywhere
ladies and gentlemen
it’s a scam
it’s a lie it’s it’s the new
world order
did he really say all that
about this i
just made up
that’s what he
would say yeah
yeah that was really good
so i can see his
point of view too
yeah that he
would say you know
um oh it’s bullshit
and you think that’s nonsense you
think that’s but
that’s how the government
thinks i’m not saying that they did that with this
i’m saying they
would do that though i
think with this guy
it’s pretty documented this guy’s a retard and you know
he was all upset at the world and
went to pakistan and met with the taliban
the whole deal
this guy’s legitimately retarded and
he’s not some sort of a
plant but it’s
very possible
there’s a lot of people that believe that
oklahoma city that the reason why oklahoma city was
blown up or was allowed to be
blown up was
so that they
could pass new
stricter anti terrorism laws
yeah but here’s my only problem with like
point of views like that right
and i mean like
with all of them when it’s like a really
something that big is
the magnitude of the
conspiracy if it were to be true yeah
it’s too big
you would have to have too many people keeping
secrets people
are naturally reluctant to keep
secrets for the most part
when you have people
have like a compulsion
to wanna share
especially when it’s something
that they’re not supposed to share
that is true so it’s like if we’re talking
about something
that big you have to have literally
there have to be hundreds of people almost you
mean oklahoma city
yeah oklahoma city well
you know but just to play
devil’s advocate do you know that
the fbi removed several undetonated bombs outside the
building they pulled them out of the building
after it happened
and this is reported on the news in oklahoma
and that the bomb itself that they made at a
fertilizer that
literally like if you look at the evidence like how the
building was blown up
there’s no way a
fertilizer bomb did that kind of damage
not only that the
building blew outward it didn’t
blow from the center down there wasn’t like a big
crater underneath the truck
and the idea is that there were bombs inside the
building and that this guy who
blew up this bomb
you know there’s this
truck bomb yeah he blew up a
truck bomb but that’s not responsible
for all that damage the idea is that the damage
was done by a
bunch of bombs that were inside the
building and all of them didn’t go off and
that’s the reason why the fbi pulled them out of the
building pulled
unexploded ones out of the
building and that
doesn’t necessarily mean the government was involved
what it could have mean was that
he was working with
other people and not only did he have this
fertilizer bomb
but he had these
other bombs in the
building and
maybe his fertilizer
bomb was supposed to detonate
those other bombs and blow up the
whole thing
there’s a bunch of different possibilities of it
but it’s very rarely talked
about and the footage of
all these different people that were involved all
these different fucking
muslim guys that were supposed to be there that had
worked for saddam
hussein and iraq and all
these different
various organizations
it’s a tricky little story
you know we
start looking into it you say well that still
doesn’t mean that there’s some sort of a conspiracy
absolutely it
doesn’t but
they’ve done shit in the past
and when you look at the
stuff that the government has done that
would require hundreds of people to keep
their mouths shut
like do you know
about the gulf of tonkin
do you know about that
is that the vietnam
it’s a fake attack that
has been proven now
and this is something that they did
to get us into the vietnam war so they did that
and they got away with it i mean we went through
the vietnam war
the operation
northwoods is another one and we’ve talked
about this on the podcast before
but for those people who
haven’t heard this google operation
northwoods what operation
northwoods is
was a plan that was
drafted by the joint chiefs of
staff in 1962
and vetoed by kennedy it was signed by the joint
chiefs of staff
and the plan was to attack american
civilians and
blame it on the cubans
so we would go to war with cuba that’s pretty they were
gonna blow up a jet
that was part of the idea they were
gonna blow up a jet and pull the people out of the jet
fly the jet and then move the people to another
plane but then they were
gonna blow the jet up and
say all these people died
really yeah this was 1962
this is a plot by the joint
chiefs of staff
not only did they
say that they were gonna
bomb guantanamo bay they were lob mortars
on guantanamo bay and assume
civilian or
military casualties
so they were
gonna kill american military
to blame it on the cubans
so that people
would get all fired up
so it’s not like they
haven’t done shit like that before yeah no
you start talking
about conspiracies
the real problem is when you get into them and you
start researching them you go
fuck look at all the shit they have done yeah no you’re
right and then and i don’t and i don’t say like that
i don’t believe that
that the government or anybody for that matter
doesn’t have the capacity to be that
morally corrupt or evil right my
just my natural
like inclination is to be like when
these things
start to get
really massive
is to go like
how can we how in this day and
age especially
can that secret be kept
that’s true
one way that it’s kept if you
put your tinfoil
hat on tight
one way it’s kept is by
putting out
information that’s correct and mixing it with a
bunch of stuff that’s ridiculous
right right
you know and
that’s how they
process disinformation what they do is they attach
all these legitimate ideas
to something that’s so outrageous
that it makes the
legitimate ideas seem
ridiculous because they’re connected to them
right but by relationship okay you
know and that’s a strategy that is
well documented you know
if you look at
in the 1950s the cia
wrote papers
about this kind of stuff
you know cointelpro
and the idea that you know you have to
you know put out
dumb stories
that attach themselves to the real
story so it makes it ridiculous
i mean people have have actually had jobs
where there are disinformation
agents and they’re
hired to go on blogs and websites this is
is going on
right now this is like real shit
where they’re hired to
argue certain points
they’re hired to
stand up for government ideas and offer
very well thought out
arguments and they do it
under these anonymous assumed names
and sometimes it’s several people
these are real government jobs that actually exist
and it’s been proven it’s been talked about
we find the shit that the government has done
and it makes
you go fuck what have they done that i don’t know about
it’s gotta be pretty elaborate
and pretty crazy yeah
but sees that’s
where the argument of 100 people
would have to be in on the secret
that’s where it
doesn’t work
the reason why it
doesn’t work is because they have been
you know there’s been a lot of
secrets that
were processed that
we didn’t find out about
the operation
midnight climax is another one we’ve talked on the show
about before
and it’s the 1950s the government
ran the cia
ran brothels
in new york and in san francisco
and they dosed people with lsd
they had johns
would come in and they
would try to get
lay these poor fucks
and they would
blast them with acid
while they’re in there trying to get
their freak on that’s so
crazy that’s so
funny they did it because they wanted to test the
effects of lsd
and they couldn’t find willing patients anymore
you know a few people did it and
you know they fucking dose people man they’ve given you
like a little bit they’re giving you like
mad doses to
see what happened when they did the original
what’s the famous one
where they were
gonna see if it
could be like a
truth serum
where the cia
had they killed people
they accidentally killed one of
their own agents
yeah they gave him too much and he fucking like
cause they didn’t know what kind of
dosages they were just like really have another little
you know tablet
he fucking he lost his he
he died well it makes
sense that they
that that would be possible because if you
think about like
you know they didn’t know like
it’s not like
we had like a
whole database on
lsd experience
know that we
could pull from like hey don’t do more than
this amount
you’ll fucking blow your because your own
chemistry is also different from the next person yeah
yeah like alcohol like some dudes can’t
drink it all
other dudes can just
drink and somehow another don’t even get
drunk yeah weird
like an old like some guys just
pound it to
all day and some dudes do that with acid
there’s some dudes that
gobble that shit
up and take like fucking five six tabs and they’re fine
yeah and they seem to like be better and then
other dudes they they get a high dose and they’ll
never they’re
never the same
again i know
a guy like that yeah yeah i know a guy like that
who is it what’s his name i can’t say his name
what happened what happened
he took he took a
he took a dose
this is like you know uh
like fifteen no
thirteen years ago
about whoa and that was it huh
that was it dude
what happened
he you know he was
chilling he was in college and just
partying just like doing regular
like you know drinking
what was the effect
he he did i
think he took it like let’s say like on a friday yeah
and everything
you know that it seemingly wore off like the way
any like you know when you
do drugs with wood
and then he was he went
like the next week
went into like the
like the school and
walked through like the cafeteria
went into the
kitchen and
started like
like asking the asking the chef to like
if if he could swim in the
water supply
like like from the sink
like he’s like can i go into into the pipes
whoa and they were just like huh like
what are you doing back here can i go
into the pipes and swim to the water
supply yeah and they were like whoa
so then it was like we
check this kid out and then they
should let him try
maybe he could to this day though he’s you know like
he’s this he’s like he’s he’s off
he’s able to work and
do that but he’s not
the same guy that he was
fuck something happened
some shit was
what was he like before and what does he like now
before he was like
like i would say like a thoughtful
you know pretty
articulate reserved
and now he’s like quirky
and like a little more like like he’s
like artsy like a
kind of an artsy guy right
but like peculiar like it like would
says things that like don’t make sense
you know and so you
think he’s like a percentage insane like what yeah yeah
yeah i would
say now and and more inclined like you you’re like
i could see
something else happening
where you would go and
you know i mean like
you’re walking something went
wrong you’re on the edge right now
right like your bet you know you
could i could see you falling in the tank pretty
pretty soon the
crazy tank the crazy tank
but before that
there was no evidence of that at all zero
zero it was totally normal
as far as i knew and i knew him like i
wasn’t good good friends but i knew him fairly well
the mat radical change
radical change
i believe it dude i believe it just because of
i hadn’t experienced
one of the last times i did dmt the last time i did dmt
where it was
a few years ago
where for like two weeks
after i did it
i this way i
was describe it it’s very difficult to describe
but i say that reality got very slippery
it’s like reality
just didn’t seem
didn’t seem like
i could bang on it
really anymore yeah it seemed
like it seemed like
the the dmt
experience is so
powerful and so
incredibly beautiful and overwhelming and shocking
that when you’re doing it it seems more real than
reality itself
it seems like
you’re taking a look into a better
more pure efficient
next stage reality it’s like
you feel like you’re taking this look into what’s next
you know it’s like an
afterlife type of
experience i mean that’s really what it feels like
and then i would come back
or i did come back
from it and then for a couple weeks this life
just didn’t seem
like it was
gonna hold up
it felt like all this shit that i’m seeing
everything around me it’s like
i’m assuming that this is real
i’m assuming
that this is hard and this is reality and this is life
but after doing the dmt
experience like that seems
so much more real than reality so what the fuck is this
you know and then i
started yeah yeah i
started getting these
weird ideas
about like the
structure of life
and you know
the pattern
of human existence and
everything that’s
going on on the planet at the same time
that it was really like much less
tangible much less real
than i thought it was and that perhaps the the
sleeping time when your
brain is producing dmt
you know like when you’re in heavy rem
sleep that that
might be just a much more intense
version of life that we only get like in
small doses that
might be real life and this
might be the
crazy dream and
sounds banana
poop i almost said it
sounds fucking
crazy yeah yeah and um
and rightly so but
what are the alternatives i mean the alternative is
any anytime you
start talking
about what what life
could be or what drugs
could be or what hallucinations really mean
you open yourself up to ridicule
rightly so because most of the time when you talk
about the subjects they
sounds ridiculous
but what is the alternative
well the alternative is that we’re just this
biological fleshy
thing that lives
for 65 years
then you fucking die and you move on and you
breed while you’re here
and eventually there’ll be too many of us will blow the
world up cause there’s too many of us
right that’s the alternative yeah
know and that this
nothing means anything and you
know there is no purpose for any of this unlike
everything else in nature i mean
everything else in nature is
building something
supplying to something
you know a part of an ecosystem
has a very vital vital
part in the
whole process the natural process of life
everything that we see
from volcanoes and fires and predators and prey
all seems to fit into this entire
system that
except for human beings
you know except for how we view our life but i think
we’re just a really advanced form of all that shit
and that what
we’re doing here
in this life
is setting us up somehow or another for the next
stage of existence
that’s why every single
culture has had this idea of heaven
every single
culture has had this idea of a better
place that you’re
gonna go to
know somewhere
where it’s gonna be more pure
or you know there
would be all love or be
there’s all
these different various versions of it i
think it’s because
there’s a part of us instinctively that
that this is a stage
and that like
everything else in the
universe from the big bang to the formation of stars to
the formation of planets to life forming on planets to
life evolving and getting more advanced
that it all
keeps moving on towards some new better more improved
more advanced
thing and that that’s what’s
gonna happen to us too
do you wait but does your did your
did that last the empty
experience though
like that was last
time you did it that was last time i did it did it just
did your experience
afterwards also kind of make you go
well maybe i
should do dmt more
or no no i think
you know the
thing the reason why i
haven’t done it
since then is because i
still i still
think i’m still
trying to exactly process
like honestly process what happened like i
could do it now again
i might be willing to do it now
again if i had some
but i think
it’s just as
important to try to honestly process what happened in
the last experience to try to
learn as much from it as you can
you know one of the
things that you do
experience when you have any like really extreme
experience you
experience this complete dissolving of your ego
everything like you’ve
built yourself up to be
everything your
language the way you talk you know your social
structure how you fit in with
your friends and your family and your dog and all that
stuff your self
definition all dissolves
everything dissolves
your definition of the
world of earth of
human beings all that dissolves too
and you start to look at
things in this almost like this
alien perspective
it’s like i
would say that
like when you’re taking mushrooms it feels like
and even dmt it feels like
you’re looking at the universe through the eyes of an
alien of like a
super advanced
organic life form that’s far far far
evolved from
where we are at this
point in time and you get to see the
whole thing
objectively and
clearly without the context of any of the
things you already
understand and know
about it like
language and accents
and you know jobs and all that bullshit you start
you see it all
like in some
weird sort of a way but when you do that the problem is
especially if you have a
crazy dose a
crazy dmt sort of trip
the real problem
is reassimilating back into the regular world
the real problem is
like being around like regular people and
mundane shit
and try to take it all seriously and try to
focus on all the
stuff that you do you know
you know you do like have to do as
well yeah that’s like i would say
experiences are useless if you can’t
bring something back
if you don’t
learn something that you can
apply to this
world because this is the
world where you’re
spending most of your time
yeah you know yeah
that’s true yeah and
your most of your time is
spent in the waking world
you know so if you’re having these
psychedelic trips and that’s what you really
enjoy out of life it’s like it’s all you’re all
enjoying you know
these experiences and you’re not
enjoying the regular
world at all
then you’re not
bringing anything back with you you can
go and have
these experiences and
bring something back with you and change
the world around you and make it better
like that is possible or
you could take too much and go fucking bonkers and
try to swim in the pipes
to jump in the pipes
and get to the
water supply i’ve
never fucked with acid
you know i don’t i don’t think that
i’m not into
doing anything that people create you know i did
mdma once i did
ecstasy once
and i got really fucked up and the next day my
brain was just useless
yeah and i think i
learned from that
experience i
enjoyed the
experience of being on
ecstasy but the come down
was just way too brutal i was
like this is not good for you
i think shit like chemicals that man made
stuff that doesn’t
exist in nature that
or you know lsd sort of does and yeah
hawaiian baby woodrow
seeds and some some other
things you can actually give a
distract ghb
no i heard that’s bought fucking
i heard that shit is
really dangerous
i i indeed i was in a coma
really yeah yeah
yeah what happened i i took
what the fuck
happened so it’s so dumb when i did
i took i took
ecstasy and then
i was having some drinks
like i probably had like four five drinks
which is you
know like liquor great
right and then
i was like i don’t feel this
ecstasy at all
and this guy how
old are you by the way i’m a
freshman in college so 18 19
so then he’s like
he’s got a gallon of ghb
in the back
now you’re supposed to take
like if you take a cap
if you take
like a water cap yeah that’s what we did we
would take it like this
you’d pour it into that
and just that’s
it and then that’s it yeah well he has a milk jug
so he gives it to me
and i’m like he’s like here just take a swig well and
when i look back on it i realized what i did to
it it was just like out of like not wanting to be rude
basically like
politeness almost killed me
is that i open it and i can’t you couldn’t it’s too
heavy to like
you know a milk
jug just as like a thin little cap
right right you
can’t fill it so you’re trying to like well how much
so i realized
i went like this and i realized there’s too much in my
mouth there’s
six cat fools in my
mouth oh no so
i’m not gonna spit it in it what he’s gonna sell
if i spit it out it’s like i’m spitting
fifty dollars on the ground
so i swallow it oh my god
and then i give it back to him what kind of an asshole
has a fucking milk jug of
ghb around this
house yeah man and then
i fucking continue
drinking and that’s one
thing about ghb
is you’re not supposed to have any alcohol with it
like not even a
drink so you
blackout you go into a coma yeah
who who says what do you remember
i fucking i remember all the way up
until like moments before
blacking out
like i i was hanging out
i was i realized i was like fucking high as shit like
like perma grin like
and just like
right like why we
should hang out man like
buying drinks for like this being a fucking asshole
and then i remember i sat down
and then i blacked out and my
sister was at this bar we were all at a bar
my sister was like
everyone was like just let him
sleep it off
and she’s the one that fucking called
the ambulance like they had to you know and
then i woke up with like tubes and all kinds of shit
yeah it sucked it was really sucked don’t overdose on
ghb it’s not fun yeah
be rude be rude spit that shit out spit
it on the ground
man yeah i’ve
never fucked with that
stuff i’ve never
fucked with cocaine
heroin here’s the
thing too about
ghb is that
in its real natural form
like in what it really is
it’s like you know it can be
regulated it’s used like as an anesthetic
in like parts of europe
but when you buy it from like
street level people
it’s obviously it’s fucked with like
right people will
spike it with anything
well even if they didn’t
spike it you
drank so much of it
right oh yeah yeah i
would have been fucked with if
they used to sell that shit at gnc yeah yeah
right it used to be for bodybuilding for bodybuilder
cover and that was kind of the
thing like when you
when we started like i used to
sample it and stuff
you would use dudes
it was under the guise
of like wow i’m lifting weights like
you know you
gotta gotta fucking get strong
you fucked up i’m lifting
weights lifting
weights oh that’s hilarious man
i wanted to talk
about a couple
things that i saw on the news
today just cause there’s some
ridiculous shit
speaking of lifting weights
and the university of
north carolina
they’re doing this
study somebody put this on the rogan
board my message board
ash put it up there
they’re doing this study on
shooting ultrasound
into people’s balls
what to act as
a birth control and
a reversible birth control for men
they’ll shoot a burst of ultrasound into your ball sack
and and blast all your spermies
so that you’re just shooting blanks for like six months
why would wait what is the point of this
you don’t want to make babies
that sounds horrifying man
sounds ridiculous
that you would
trust them like you’re gonna you’re gonna kill my loads
but they’ll come back in six months
and then what happens
after those six months i make fucking radioactive
babies yeah it’s
gonna what kind of shit is that what what are
those babies gonna look like
could you imagine if like a five and a half months
when your shit
supposed to be like not come back yet yeah
you shoot around at
some chick and you make some fucking nuclear baby yeah
yeah and then
again whoa it’s
gonna be like the six
armed baby yeah
oh my god that’s
gonna be shiva
yeah it will come out
on fucking fire with a
crazy headdress and shit and then
doctors would be like huh
you didn’t know that
i mean come on
think about
all the autistic kids
that are being created
today and all the thoughts of like
where this is coming
from whether it’s environmental or chemicals or yeah
there’s all sorts of theories vaccinations people being
older and having the kids
cause they’re
older and their dna is damaged
how about the
babies that we’re
gonna have when they are
shooting ultrasound into your
fucking sack when you have like
radio waves yeah
no you shouldn’t
i would still just pull out before
i allowed well you know that’s how my
first daughter was born
pull out method
hello yeah i did a bit
about it on my last special
totally true
pulling out don’t work man pre ejaculate
is like there’s there’s a little
swimmer that’s
right i do remember that there’s
boys in there
they’ll fucking they’ll get the job done the
green beret
loads yeah yeah that’s
right the green
yeah that’s real
you can make
you can make a baby for sure without coming inside a
chick it’s actually
doesn’t it kind of makes you go
i can’t believe it didn’t happen so many times
yeah definitely
well i don’t
think it’s that common i
think it’s probably pretty hard to do but it
still possible to do you know it really is yeah
green berets
yeah they’re really like that
how many times you like
squeezing it what you hope and nuns coming out but
a little few guys
might have popped out or how about
not even pre
com that’s like a tiny com oh yeah like a little
like a flex when he was like
yeah just a little bit yeah
yeah you feel a little just a
twitch and you try to hold it in there
yeah yeah well
they’re trying to come
up with all sorts of different ways and you know with
women it’s all hormonal
they can either
shoot you up with something that makes your body
think it’s pregnant
or they give you a pill that makes your body
think it’s pregnant
or they put a
catcher’s mitt in there like put an iud and they
sort that shit in your
snatch and it gets all infected and
and your loads you’re trying to
shoot at it makes barnacles on a fucking dock
you know yeah that thought of that one
that makes me uncomfortable
imagine if they pull it out and there’s all these
stalagmites from your old loads
that have been trying to
get into this
iud and they
just hang out there it’s all crusty with your old loads
and maybe your
old loads die inside her box and that’s why it
starts to stink
yeah as you
imagine like you didn’t want to get her pregnant like
maybe you should take that out honey
but i don’t want to get pregnant
well you don’t know how to get an extra
douche up there
to kill your loads and
squirt them out because your body’s not absorbing them
so she’s just walking around
i’m imagining it now
there’s that oh yeah that
speaking of like gross
have you heard
about that that
movie which one
the the one that’s supposed to be like it’s like
a guy it’s like the
human centipede i
think it’s called i’ve
heard about it online
but i didn’t look at it i
haven’t seen it
everybody’s been talking
about the human
centipede and
i got a bunch of twitter
things like oh
check this out the
human centipede but i
it looks so
ridiculous i
didn’t even want to try it really i didn’t want
to look at it did you see what just happened there yeah
how far away is this
image from our voice
like look how long it takes
yeah it’s like this is like a 10
second delay
i think we’re
gonna have to try something else
other than you stream
i’m have to try some
other service
people say live
stream is really good or is this
but that’s not really live
right there this is what we’re projecting
this is what
we’re saying like look how long it takes yeah watch
two three bam
let’s let’s get a
count on this all
right okay ready
i’m gonna point
to the camera and then i’m
gonna count one
two three four
it’s about five
seconds it’s
about a five or six
second delay
they’re saying it’s fine for them
maybe it’s just not a
whack ass gay connection human
abuse to see what happens see if it works better
i don’t want to see the human centipede man i hear
i’m sure it’s fucked up
i’m sure i’m sure it’s good
now we’re like on like a couple seconds but wait why
why don’t you i’ve seen
everything man i’ve seen too much
i’m distracting myself i’ve seen
everything i’ve seen too much somebody sent me some
video some russian
skinheads cutting this dude’s head off
oh no i don’t i don’t like that shit man i
started watching it for the
first couple
seconds and i stopped it
i said i do not need
to see another dude getting his fucking head color it
doesn’t need
to be in your fucking reserves man yeah it’s a
waste i know it’s out there
i’ve already
i’ve already
applied that data to my view of the
world i don’t have to see more and more evidence of it
i know that there’s some
extreme examples of fucked up shit out there yeah
especially going online and just
going online changes your
whole fucking view of the
world yeah people who don’t
go online can you imagine how dumb our parents were
much less they knew
about the big
picture oh yeah what’s possible no
what’s why if you if you try to tell them
like a lot of times
doesn’t even have to be something too outrageous yeah
i hear that i just your
obama would
obama said he was talking about fucking
ipods and xbox
x yeah and ipads and xbox
none of which i know how to use oh
yeah you know i hate all that
first of all i hate all that none of
which i know how to use what he was saying that
these things provide
information there’s
too much information and it’s difficult to discern
what’s factual and what’s not and that
crazy ideas can gain traction and become problematic
and he was saying
that it’s actually makes it hard on democracy
which i thought was hilarious
makes it hard to
run the country and it’s bad for the country somewhere
and that line just appeals to a certain
generation when they
win yeah none of
which i know how to use this is what he says he says
ipads and xboxes and playstations none of
which i know how to use
my fucking two year old
daughter knows how to use an ipod dude
yeah she knows how to find the song she likes
click on it
she knows how
to go to the little apps and pick a little
monkey game and play the
monkey game
dude you know how to use a fucking ipod
you know don’t be
stupid that’s dumb and don’t brag about
about being stupid
that’s a silly
you’re a goddamn harvard
graduate you’re the president of the fucking united
states of america
right like you’re dumb don’t give us all that aw
shucks bullshit
there’s gonna be a
bunch of retards that always don’t like you or
think you’re an elitist alright you
gotta accept that and just be yourself alright
don’t fuckin
pretend you don’t know how to work an ipod man
just stop i know it’s
stupid that’s
gross i agree
it’s fucking dumb man
you know like
the whole it’s like he’s putting on an act it’s like
he’s like a
comic that we were talking
about earlier
we’re talking
about comics that are disingenuous yeah
that’s what he’s doing it’s a phony thing
yeah so anyway
he’s trying to say that
somehow or another
all this access to information that people have now
the problem is that
these crazy ideas can gain traction
and then it
becomes more of a distraction than it is a useless
you know source of information but that’s ridiculous
so who’s the use
who’s the useful source of information
how come there’s so
much shit that’s in the news that we don’t hear about
how come we have to go online to find out like
what’s happening in
liberia to get real information
about the fucking oil
spill in the gulf
you know you’re not getting that shit from the network
news you’re not getting that shit from the newspapers
you gotta really see the images and the
videos online
there’s a video online
right now this guy
flew a plane
over the gulf
oil spill and
videotaped the
whole thing and put it up and showed
how massive it is and how
they’re being honest
about what a catastrophe it is
it’s fucking
shocking it’s on my twitter you
can go to my twitter feed go to joe rogan on twitter
and just just my name it’s
not dot net anymore it’s just my name i got that back
so if you go to my
twitter feed it’s like one or two twitters ago i put it
watch that video and
freak the fuck out
because it’s horrifying
looking at this gigantic fucking
thing of oil in the middle of the ocean
you’re not hearing
about that from the news they’re recognizing
that it’s a big deal but they’re not showing you
10 minutes of footage
so you can really get a good idea of it you
gotta look online yeah
i mean to find out like shit like operation
north woods or any of
these other
things i’m talking about
this isn’t getting discussed in the newspaper
this isn’t getting discussed
in the news people are hiding this kind of information
big gigantic corporations
control network news they control the newspapers
they control
ge controls nbc and
fox news is owned by rupert murdoch
and you know the abcs disney
yeah i mean these are
giant fucking corporations
they don’t give you all the news you need
the idea that
these bloggers and
these people that are like
they’re not less
less informative they’re
not like like less reliable they’re people that easily
could be working for nbc or cbs
or abc two they’re fucking
they’re just a new version of
journalist that does shit online
and yeah there’s
some people that are irreparable but then
their reputation is that they suck
you know when someone
online you know
when it’s been proven by a
bunch of different
websites this guy puts out bad information
then they become discredited
i mean it’s like a natural process
yeah and for
obama to say that that’s not the case
and that there’s something bad
about all this new access to information
that just shows me two
things one he’s full
of shit and two they’re dealing with a lot of pressure
they’re getting jacked left and
right about all sorts of things
like a video out
right now of him
on the campaign
trail talking
about no bid contracts yeah
like haliburton and shit like that he just fucking gave
haliburton some grunt giant
five hundred million dollar no
bid contract
his whole fucking platform
was that he was
gonna end no
bid contract yep
they just doesn’t does it yeah
i mean he’s a
he’s oh no more
lobbyists me
only hires a
bunch of them
i mean though
the whole idea behind
being a president
is that you’re supposed
to be some sort of a leader and what you promise us is
supposed to be something that
you’re gonna
when you get in office you’re
gonna change shit you’re
gonna make it better
but no one does nobody does
it’s the craziest hustle ever
but the thing that i
think nobody ever
admits is that neither side ever does ever like ever
right the republic no good
get criticized by the democrats when they do certain
things but once the democrats get in office like the
there’s not nearly as many people criticizing
obama for sending
thirty thousand
troops over to afghanistan
after winning the nobel
prize not nearly as many
as we’re criticizing
george bush of course not nearly yeah yeah yeah
you know they’re all just
spokesperson cause
both sides are
completely full of shit
do you think that they’re full of shit
or do you think they
say whatever the fuck they have to say to get the job
and then once
they get the job they realize that they don’t have
a say they’re not the ones
who get to dictate policy
well it’s that and it’s also that the game itself
of politics is so already
dictated for
you we have this idea that like
we can elect somebody like
especially like
obama like it’s
gonna change
things it’s
gonna actually the
system will change like
he’s gonna be
a certain way and no more like
spinning stuff but you realize that
it’s already laid out
there is there’s a spin
thing in a it’s a job it’s a job it’s a
it’s like being
like it’s you really is like being a prospe
spokesperson it is and and there’s gonna be
distortions of
truth and manipulations and lies
no matter who gets it
it’s too big of a
thing and there’s just
there’s too much too many people that you
would have to try to please
it’d be impossible
so it’s just
it’s the way it is people are
going to lie
and no matter who is in the office
doesn’t matter who the real problem is that
corporate if you ever seen like
movies on corporations
you know like that
especially the document
the documentary the corporation
where they talk
about like a corporation as like a sociopath they don’t
worry at all
about there
it’s really interesting
because they
basically concentrate on
what sociopaths
do is very similar to what corporations do
they don’t worry
about who their actions hurt
and that being in a corporation is sort of like
there’s a diffusion
of responsibility because there’s so many
other people that are doing the same thing
you know and i wonder like when
when you get a guy like obama
i wonder if they
start out with the
right intentions and they
start out really
thinking that they’re
gonna make a change
but once they
get in office you know once they get in there
maybe then it’s
like they realize like you know like you don’t
you don’t get to change shit you know you don’t
you really that’s what they change a few social things
yeah like it
changed like the gay marriage
thing yeah like
they’re getting rid of don’t ask don’t tell
right so you’re
gonna be able to say that you’re gay
you know and he’s also like the medical marijuana
thing they said that they’re not gonna go
after they’re only
gonna go after
the dea will only go
after medical marijuana dispensaries that violate both
state and federal law
so the federal law
is all marijuana is illegal the
state law is very
clearly defined what you’re allowed to do medically
and a lot of people
don’t operate within
those parameters and they
sell a bunch of shit to people that don’t have licenses
so the idea was they’re
gonna go after
those people you know
yeah there’s a few
things that do change
right but it’s it’s that’s what they hang
their hat on like but
are those things that do change
are they because
they have to give something
otherwise people will fucking
just rage up
you know do they
like give you a little just to keep democracy intact
and just resist
the change as much as possible
resist giving
the people what they want as much as possible
is it consciously thought out
i i think i
think the way that the
system is set
up is that this is what bothers me the most
about politics
is for some reason
you’re not allowed to
admit fault in politics
you can’t be like
i did something
this didn’t work out
like that’s that’s the
system that’s set up and
that part that part is like
it is thought out
whatever decision you made
we’re going to make it look like it was the
right decision
right definitely that’s the one
never a mistake that’s the
major flaw in
in like the political
public system you can’t
admit to any flaws never
never if you do you’re
gonna lose traction and you become a flip flopper
or whatever so it’s always like what i did was the
right thing
and that is meticulous obviously it’s methodical
it’s very well you know
it’s outlined it’s
it’s fucking the most depressing thing
about it is the most depressing
thing about politics is that politics are real
you know and that you can you
could lose your fucking life paying attention to it
you know if you
start talking like there’s some new supreme
court justice nominee
that obama likes it looks like a
lesbian and everybody’s all bummed out
about it and there’s all this debate and like
god damn do i really have to fucking
think about this
do i really
have to when you do supposedly if you’re a good
citizen you’re supposed to pay attention because
lives could change and you know you
could be in a situation
where one of her rulings directly affects you yeah
you know i don’t know man
i don’t know i don’t know
we doing that
tommy i was
i wanted to tell you about
brian jack oh this
dude you have a story yeah
dude what’s the dude that you went to high
school with
college college i went to college with and one
night a saturday night
i went to a i was not in fraternity but i went to a
party that a fraternity had
i think it was the pi cap fraternity
and then as i left there is a
another fraternity
next door they like
their fraternity
house right
and i’m walking back
and this fucking guy
brian jack was his name he
beat up like physically pummeled
seven guys and like
full fucking
ninja rambo
style like where it wasn’t even
like he literally
punched a guy
and then did like a
roundhouse kick
and then rolled did
like a fucking like a somersault and like rolled up and
punched another guy
and just destroyed it were like it was like a
video game you’re like
uh uh oh my god oh my god like
just freaking out
watching this guy just why did he get in the
fight what happened
he was he’s a
total fucking like
he was a very independent
like sort of a
loner like a
super athlete like
had that quality
of like like of
like the best athletes do
where it’s like
work ethic when it comes to like
like his you know working out and like
training and like
and just kind of a very peculiar
dude and you know
didn’t i mean
kind of kept himself but
also didn’t fuck like didn’t take any shit from anybody
and he was walking i think
through the yard
of the fraternity guys who
were dressed in like
their their
sunday best like they had
their dockers on and
their ties like they’re dressed up
and to the best that i can remember
somebody said something to him
that didn’t fucking hit him the
right way like
like you know
about like maybe
walking through their lawn
or like why he was at their
house or something
and i don’t remember exactly how it started
but i know how it fucking ended
like brian jack fucking laid out everybody
who was basically in this fraternity
like and it was like it was pretty fucking impressive
and i had a
front fucking row
what kind of an athlete was this guy what he
played football and he was he was a big guy
no he was a
not like super big like like just
lean like a
i would say like six feet
like 205 but like
rock fucking
solid and and
and a little crazy
and he actually i
think played one of the
season like he
broke his neck
and he kept playing
what yeah and he even played like xfl
like that league that came out that was just like
you know yeah there
aren’t any rules like he played in that league i think
anyways now he’s a
wrestler like i
think he’s trying to do wwf and i got
a video sent to me
he calls himself buck wild
is it on youtube yeah let’s find this guy on youtube
yeah and i was like holy shit bj the
wrestler is what he calls himself
buck wild bj the wrestler that’s mickey lark
no buck wild that’s a band wow
there’s a lot of bad shit on here wow
there’s a i don’t know we’ll have to find it
there’s some buck something as a fucking
gay porn star
named bucks something another and it used to be a woman
and she took
oh my god i saw that hormones yeah yeah man he was on
that pornstar but he has a vagina hbo fucking
porn show yeah what is the name
porno copia was the name of yeah
but the name of the guy i’m sure you fucking people
online know about it yeah
i don’t know
whatever that’s not important
your your your
dude beating the fuck out of that guy buck
angel thank you sir
thank you angel yeah wild will
dynamic willi dynamic
people in your
silly names
this whatever don’t look at buck angel
just like i don’t want to look at the
human centipede
and just like you
don’t want to look at russian dudes cutting people’s
heads off you don’t need to see that no no no no no
what’s the worst
thing you’ve ever seen online
the worst thing i’ve seen online
probably some shit that you’ve shown me
i remember i was
i take great
pride in that
i would say that when you send
somebody something fucked up it’s like it’s like a bomb
you just wait for them to
react yeah you know it’s
gonna hit them like send
and it just goes to them
and you know it’s
gonna hit him the what the fuck
and they type back and you get in your
inbox like ah
look what i did i mean
you know the
first time i saw
two girls one cup
was very alarming
but one guy one cup
definitely was more like get the fuck out of here yeah
and then one guy one cup the most disturbing
thing was the scars around his legs yeah
you know he’s been doing this for a
while or his how about his
basically non reaction
to what’s happening
like the scream
and how or even quiver yeah move
right yeah he didn’t even buckle
homeboys got
giant chunks of
glass and blood coming out of his asshole
and he’s just fine with it
i mean if you
haven’t seen it you don’t need to see it
don’t don’t go to one guy one cup don’t go don’t
check that out
mr hanson and mrs hands were pretty
crazy mrs hands this mrs hands
oh you didn’t know there’s mrs hands no all it’s the
girl gets fucked by a horse yeah
oh my god yeah
yeah and that’s what she they call her mrs hands yeah
yeah um but the
things that i don’t like the most the
things that i can’t react to
are like the
ultra real violent shit that’s the
stuff i’m like i fucking can’t do this
like crazy sexual
or whatever but like
i’m with you i don’t like berg
the i don’t like
decapitations and
shit man you know the conspiracy theory behind the nick
bird shit no that
those guys are not arabs that they’re actually cia
and they’re americans
apparently their accents are off
and they’re too big
like they’re not
built like arabs
they’re like big bulky fat fucking beef eating
american psychos really and that’s the the idea that
they they killed
a guy to make people more
excited they
found some guy over
there he’s doing what he’s not supposed to be doing
going to place
where he’s not supposed to be going
and so they jacked him arrested him
and cut his fucking head off so that
he could act as like a deterrent
for people that wanna
go and investigate this and he get people
about this war like yeah we
gotta get these
they’re evil
a big pr strategy man for a guy like that
you know you
could take a
guy and use him as a tool like say if some guy
finds out some shit he’s not supposed to find out or
go somewhere is not supposed to go and then
you know if he
could encourage
other people to do it they
could have a real problem
they just cut this guy’s head off and make a
video out of it
and now not only will that shit
never happen
again nobody wants to go over there now they’re
cutting your fucking head off and putting it on a
video yeah and you see that guy gag and
gurgle and make
those horrible
noises while he’s still
alive and they’re sawing
through his fucking neck
you know and it gets people all
fired up about
going to war you
know in a war that’s not a very popular war you know
you gotta be a cold like
i can under like i can see
in certain circumstances
you know how somebody kills somebody
like you know i mean i
understand that there’s a
level that you
cross that like
you know somebody
could do something
where you could kill somebody
yeah i understand that like it’s human
biologically you’re
gonna react
if somebody crosses
a certain line
where it happens
but to cut someone’s head off you have to be a
savage motherfucker yeah
especially with a little
knife you’re not even
using a fucking
axe yeah just
whoop you’re not
going samurai
salon through it like it’s
cutting through it you know i
guess man there’s
a certain amount of people that feel like
you know you have a goal
and you have a job
and you do that job and your objective is to fucking
you know do whatever you know
do whatever the
orders are and the
orders are to kill this guy because you’re
gonna make a
video and this guy is
gonna be a martyr
and you know
we’re gonna use him as a publicity tool you alright
bitch guess you
gotta die yeah you
know i mean how many fucking people have been killed
that were innocent
i mean how many people are in guantanamo
bay that are innocent how many people been killed
by accidental bombs that
know that hit
apartment buildings and shit
at a certain number
when certain
you see a certain amount of casualties i think life
starts to get real cheap you
know we see a certain amount of
you know collateral
damage that happens is just a part of the game
i think for a lot of
these guys life just
starts to get
starts to get
cheap yeah i
think you’re right
i think you’re right
scary shit man
scary shit the idea that someone
is willing to cut someone’s fucking head off
for a video
but if you look at like operation northwoods
if you look at that idea the idea of
attacking americans
and blaming on cuban so that we can go to war
it really fits into the the
whole like past
scheme of things yeah
yeah i mean they’re
definitely all
about getting
you have to get
the american people on your side for shit like this so
that’s why there’s always a big push you know
you gotta get people to go like yeah we
gotta get em we
gotta get em
it’s goddamn fucking horrible
i’m gonna take a few questions and we’re
gonna get out of here
thirty five thirteen
you didn’t watch the
ufc this weekend did you no
so i can’t talk too much
about the ufc
it’s pretty interesting because josh koscheck
beat up this dude he fought up
he fought paul daily
and was beating him up
took him down
at will and at one
point in time in the fight
he got kneed in the face an illegal knee
and it didn’t look in the replay like
it hit him at all it looked like he just raised him
and he went down it was like making it like he was
really badly hurt
i don’t know if he was hurt or not he says he was
so but it didn’t look real
but it was it
might have been part of
his strategy to fuck with this dude because he was like
relentlessly taunting him
and tormenting him like you
would take him down he was talking shit to him
while i was
on top of them beating him up and the guy just
could not get up and
every time he wanted to he took him down in the last 30
seconds he’s just talking shit to this dude
while he’s on top of him just
parkin chan and
paul dale is trying to
gouge his eyes when he’s on the bottom it was crazy man
and he was just like i don’t know what the fuck he said
but whatever he said it was driving him nuts
so anyway the bell ends to the round
he gets off this dude and
starts to walk away
and paul daly
walks up behind him like when
like walks up behind the
referee walks up to him and sucker
punches him
after the fight was over
yeah gets booted from the
ufc for life
which you know
can’t do that you know that that
you know you can’t have a
fight and then
try to sucker
punch a guy because you didn’t
get to hit him for 15 minutes because he was too good
because he was taking you down and he was
imposing his game plan on you and they sucker punch him
daily is booted for life for life yeah he fucked up
you know and dana
white got really pissed he
asked him a question like he
asked him apparently
after the fight was over
do you still want to
fight in the ufc and
why are you doing shit like this
and he shrugged his
shoulders and walked away and dana
was like good
well now you won’t i’ll make that decision for you
and just like you can’t do shit like that if you do
you gotta keep your composure like
you talk a lot of shit before the fight and
this guy talks
mad shit like that’s his thing
and coshcheck talks mad shit too so paul
dale and coshcheck
were just going back and forth and back and forth
and it generated
an incredible amount of interest in the fight
but it also put an incredible amount of pressure on him
and when he was getting
his ass kicked and when it was over and he just got
molested for fucking
three rounds like an end of the knee
which may or may not have hit costcheck and
you know it
made it look like a big deal and costcheck like
was lying on his stomach and
you know it was
like making it look like he was out and then when the
referee said to him
referee said
get up i saw the replay
dan mergliad
goes get up i saw the replay it didn’t hit you he goes
well can you get this vaseline
out of my eye
he gets the vaseline
out of his eye
and he goes back to
fighting like
normal like what happened you were almost dead
just a few seconds ago
so it was i
think that was all a part of his
psychological strategy to just
fuck that dude’s head up and it worked hook line
and center it really did and then at the end of the
fight we’re in fucking montreal okay montreal’s in the
middle of this huge playoff
the canadians
against pittsburgh
so he goes he grabs a
microphone goes don’t
worry about it
cause pittsburgh
gonna kick your fucking ass oh
shit and they go nuts made the fucking
you’ve never seen anybody like
a sport or love hockey more than the canadians no no
no no oh my god
dude they go nuts
and then he said and
after that i’m
gonna beat gsp
and you’ll have two fucking losses
and they went nuts and they you know and he
leaves but meanwhile
the dude is
a fucking master strategist when it comes to that shit
i mean he’s a heel he’s playing the heel
and everyone will be so
excited to see his
fight of course
that’s fucking brilliant man
generate so much more interest
made himself a
great villain
right yeah he’s a fucking he
wears the best
black hat in the business yeah
you know so
so he did that but dude the fucking
disappointment in the canadians
when he goes
don’t worry
about it because pittsburgh’s
gonna kick your fucking ass next week
they were like no
it was like you said something
about their
mother man they were so fucking upset
dude they were so upset i’ve
never seen a crowd more
excited about a
sport and a team
then the canadians are
about their hockey yeah dude when they won we got there
thursday night and they won
and they won from behind they came from behind and won
and when we were driving
right we were driving the
game got out and they won and the fucking cab driver
telling us you know
he’s talking
us in french telling us you know with his french i say
they won did they finally
leave it to the hood
and back they
could not hold them back
he thought to make the gold they
tried to stop him he
could not stop him
and he’s fucking
crazy he’s beeping his arm
and everybody else is beeping on
it was a fucking
party down the
street yeah
every car was honking their horn
people were jumping on top of hoods of cars and
screaming and yelling
and everyone had a big
smile in their face like
you never seen so many people united
people that
weren’t at the game no
people that were leaving the game they were
fired up but everybody on the street
it’s like family
there it’s like
their family yeah
dude it’s a
level of love for a
sport and a team
they must take it hard though when
those guys lose oh god yeah
yeah that’s
devastating to them i’ve been in vancouver when like
i think it wasn’t even like
an nhl team i
think it was like
a club league team was playing like
their club team was playing
and businesses shut down
people were on the streets for a game like they’re like
gonna be different tonight that’s
crazy man that’s
crazy you don’t see that in america
but not anymore at
least i mean
when i was a kid
the red sox
when the red sox
made it to the world
series was the bill buckner one when the ball went
through his leg
that was a big goddamn deal the
whole the whole city was into that
and people that that
would have been
a very similar situation they had won the
world series
back then i
think maybe it’s
still like that i don’t know it’s not in boston anymore
but i don’t
think it is
i don’t remember it ever being the intensity
level that it was in canada
in canada those
they they they
loved it man
you see this guy
lars vilks he’s a swedish
the swedish
cartoonist that drew the
image of muhammad with his body
muhammad’s head on the body of a dog
now they’re all trying
they’ve been trying to kill him for like two years i’ve
heard about him
like drawing it is that actual
footage of the attack yeah look at this shit they did
i won’t put
the volume on it don’t matter anyway because
it’s all in
i guess it’s in swedish he’s swedish
so that’s him
right there yeah so he shows this
video on religion
and during the middle of the
video on religion
all these muslims
apparently are
super offended they run up and they tackle them and
punch them in the head
so one dude
punches them in the head
that guy and
then they have to fucking tear gas people and they all
start screaming
allah walk by
allah allah yeah
oh yeah they’re all there to go
after this guy
they’re all there to attack this guy it’s crazy man
and they’re all
angry and they’re
young the students
they have fucking laptops and cameras and shit
and they really
truly believe that this guy’s a
piece of shit for drawing
their guy yeah man
scary shit man
this kind type of
and retarded
thinking is very
frightened see that guy just hit that guy for no reason
look at the faggy way through that punch too
is that the
weakest shit
they’re fucking
savage yeah
look at them whoa
man yeah nuts
man look at them
they got some weak ass cops there man i
think that’s a chick oh
isn’t it yeah yeah
i control she got terrible side control
that’s chick is that a
trick i think it she should
break that arm she got it
right there
just take that arm
if you haven’t seen the video it’s
it’s unremarkable
other than the fact that it’s just another
group of retarded fucking religious people yeah
screaming and yelling
they’re the most
scary cause christians
you know you’re allowed to draw
jesus you know yeah you can draw jesus
that this is there’s they’re so fucking crazy yeah
draw the guy and and to actually to
like to validate that
point of view
is ridiculous
oh it’s so scary though man it’s so
scary that this is
still going on in
2010 and not only
are these guys like
these college students but
these guys are actually you know
they have laptops they’re in
their hands
while they’re there they
have cameras digital cameras they have access to the
internet they even have like forums on message
boards and shit
where they go and
you know like the
south park guys the ones who wanted to kill
south park yeah
and then somebody hacked them you see that no i didn’t
know it was awesome
somebody hacked him in the
picture was a
muslim guy kissing another
guy and the whole
background was like all like
muhammad’s head with a bomb in his turban
you know and they left an
email address
for these guys to
they less than
an email address for
these guys to
to email them like it’s contact
us that’s us pal
but look at the
is it just me or
his road and look like he is talking to a future out of
shape version of himself
that’s hilarious best
guess so far says this guy oh that’s
tommy seguro
we’re looking on our forums it’s
forums dot joe rogan
net and that is
that’s the the main forum for my website
it’s pretty fucking crazy website it’s
all the podcast go on there
i used to put a lot of
i used to put a lot of blogs up and i
still will write some but
right now i’m in the middle of writing a movie
or movie no a book
and so i got an idea for a movie
but i’m writing a book
and once i’m done with that then i’ll be doing
a lot more blogs
again but i got a couple more months to write this book
mostly about stand up comedy
my early days like crazy stories and shit
obama’s a fucking liar
during the campaign
he was listening to his ipod playlist that’s true
she knows how to use a fucking ipod yes
rivalries you’re correct sir
obama is a fucking liar
i am i i don’t know why that’s
annoying to me
but that shit is very very annoying
okay wearing gold jewelry in one part of the knickberg
video you can see
a military cap move in
front of the camera
he was working on
phone lines he was working on a
tower over in abu ghraib
he took digital
pictures of inside abu
ghraib hence the kidnapping
so that’s why they killed that guy that’s
obviously a conspiracy theory
by my man rivalries
but that would make sense
if that guy had witnessed
you know the abu ghraib
atrocities before
we’re talking
about the guy
who got his head cut off and said that he was actually
his head was cut off by cia
guys it totally makes
sense you know
i think they’d be willing to do something like that
what the fuck do i know man
i don’t got no solutions
folks i only got questions
you got any solutions
tommy bond no
answers to anything no that’s the goddamn problem
is that there are no answers
we need a radical restructuring
of our entire fucking society
our entire world
and that’s not
gonna happen
anytime in our lifetime so what do we do do we put a
patch on things no
you try to control your
micro world that’s what you do
ladies and gentlemen
this is my advice you want some advice
control all the people
that are around you control what you do for a living
control your body control your mind control how you
treat other people
and what kind of
treatment you’ll accept from
other people
if you do that
and if that shit spreads
and if people
learn by your example then
you really can make a change in the difference right
absolutely make a
small change a
small different
locally sort of like politics
like local politics work
you know like you can if you’re a
local town you can choose to
you know put up a stop sign in an area
where people
need to stop because there’s some accidents
right you know you can vote on that and that shit will
actually happen and it’ll actually become something
state politics there’s
state laws that can get
changed you know like
the medical marijuana law in
california is a
clear example of that they voted
like yeah the medical marijuana is helpful for people
let’s vote it let’s make it real announce a reality
but federally man
you don’t get to vote on shit like that
federally you don’t
get to vote on shit like that when it comes to the
whole country
and you can make changes
like in your life and people’s lives around you too
yeah like if you want to fucking
like we’re talking
about you can
you can get away
from shit that’s not affecting you in a good way and
get away from
people that are not good for you and that’s what you
can control you can control what you directly affect
the people in your life the way you
think the way you behave
you can control all that
you know the real
problem with us is that we have so much more access to
human beings and to connecting to each other
than we ever had in the past that’s why people or
they feel like they can be so douchey on message boards
because there’s no
social consequence
there’s no consequence to
emailing someone
on myspace and just saying
nasty fucked up shit to them
you know i make
comics that we
talk to that get horrible fucking messages on facebook
and on twitter
and dudes just say shit just
to get attention yeah yeah you know and people yeah
there’s no consequence there’s no accountability why
would they even want to
reach out to someone
like that why
would they even want to do that
what is that all
about well it’s all
about the same
thing it’s all about
we’ve lost some sort of a
connection with each
other because there’s too fucking many of us
that’s why local shit is the only shit that works
you know small
groups of people that you actually impact like
the people that you impact in your personal life
people you impact
local politics people you impact at your
job and in whatever the fuck you do for your living
you know how you impact
those people down that shit’s all real
it’s just the
matter is how do you get it to work like that with the
whole big giant group
yeah yeah you don’t man we’re fucking rambling we’re
not saying shit anymore
two hours and a half later
that’s usually the end of the podcast
ladies and gentlemen
we come to a
point of no point
yeah yeah it’s the zen ending
but no conclusion a lot of good
points were made
before we got to no point yeah your friend who
fucking badass ass kick
dudes and slacks and tie
shit and fuck with him don’t fuck with that made that
point brian job
we made a point
let’s review
everything we
learned don’t
drink a whole
mouthful of ghb
that’s just terrible for that’s really bad and
your parents will be
disappointed in you yeah
don’t wait until you’re
forty years old to decide you want to be a
stand up comedian
don’t do that
it’s likely that you’re not
robert schimmel
yes likely and if you are
a funny person
and you are
funny stand up comedian and your
don’t assume
that you have to live your
life the same way that got you there with no discipline
and no self control
you can get your shit together
even though neither
tommy nor myself
have our shit together get our shit together and
go buy tommy’s cd
it’s called thrilled
he’s fucking hilarious
i’ll bank on it he’s worked with me many times you
might have seen him with me and
we were in sydney australia together we’ve done
what else do
we do do we do san francisco together we’ve done
san francisco
san jose san jose
we’ve done a
bunch of gigs together fucking hilarious comedian
tom segura com
yes s e g u r a dot com
please follow him on twitter it’s tom segura
just right yep
and i have links for my itunes and amazon
yes and now you are officially on the joe rogan podcast
promoting the tom segura
thrilled cd
it will now blow the fuck up
your twitter
i guarantee you by the end of the day you will have
ten more twitter
followers nice i
think ten at
least i guarantee 10 i guarantee two purchases
of this cd because of this that
would not have happened i fucking really
appreciate that man
and motherfucker we also
learned by the way
that you can
masturbate in a
whole new way yes you can
fuck this it’s way better than your fist
i’m really trying
one and yes i am sponsored by a
flashlight but if it sucked i
would quit the
and i would tell you
i would not sell you anything that i don’t
think is real i will guarantee this
i’m not saying that i will
never have sponsors
but i am saying
that i will
never try to endure
something that i don’t
think is an awesome product
and this is a goddamn awesome product and
it’s for beating off
which i’m for
12 feet no ladies and gentlemen
thank you very much for
tuning into the podcast
we will see you next week next tuesday
same bat time same bat channel 3 p
m pacific and less
mrs rogan bust out the baby
because she’s
ready to do it any day now that
might fuck up my
schedule but either way the weekly podcast
will continue i will keep you informed on twitter
thank you everybody
thank you very much for
tuning in i
love you bitches and i’ll see you soon thank you