bam ladies and gentlemen
what the fuck is going on
set this up um
sorry for the late
start we were all fucked up we had a we
weren’t all fucked up but the cam
is all fucked up better problem with the webcam
but we’re back bitches
hi how’s everybody doing
i’m back from abu
motherfucking dhabi son
that was very strange
scary at all
scary at all yeah scared me man
i mean it’s a
i mean it’s real safe
and it’s real western over there but the bottom line is
that place is
the first time we were
done congratulations
first time you muted the live preview yeah
hear ourselves but we
we got over there and
it’s very strange
first of all we were at a
place called yas island
which is a man made island they said
which means they
built an island
isn’t it sinking is that the one that’s sinking no
that’s the one in dubai
the one in dubai
that’s sinking is the one that they have that’s a
model of the world
if you ever wanted to know
how much money is an oil
right you gotta go to the middle east i’m sure
it’s fucking staggering really
i didn’t see a shitty car
while i was there
everything was a fucking mercedes
it’s a mercedes or
i guess the cabs are kind of crappy
but it’s all ferraris and lamborghinis and
these fucking
buildings they they
built this island okay and then they have this
thing called ferrari
world and that’s
where the ufc was and
which is this
crazy theme park they’re
building they just
building shit constantly
everywhere you go they’re building
you know like all throughout
like the city of abu dhabi it’s all just skyscrapers
and cranes and shit
going on constantly
and apparently dubai
is even crazier
didn’t want to fuck around dubai though
i didn’t want to fly in there
one of one of the options was
we could fly into dubai
and then from dubai
we would take a car service that
would take us to
drive it’s like an hour and a half drive and
to yas island
and i was like
i don’t want to land in dubai man i
keep hearing
crazy shit about dubai
i hear crazy shit
about people who
got arrested because there was some sort of a visa
problem so they drug test them
the arrest is this one
woman for codeine
she lives in the uk she has a prescription for codeine
cause she’s got a back problem she got back injuries
so they arrested
her for this and put her in fucking jail
because she had it in her system wow
and there’s another guy who was
traveling there
who had a speck of marijuana on the bottom of his shoe
but if you look at the dude the dude was like a rasta
he had dreadlocks and shit and that does not fly
did you vacuum out your suitcase oh my god did i
i didn’t smoke pot for a
whole day a
whole day you’re
crazy it was
out of my head
yeah that should just that shit scares me
all right there’s no reason it
to be put into that because i’ve
heard too many horrors
it’s not a regular
society i mean it’s run by kings
and you know for
the most part they run it just like a western democracy
means most you know it’s very clean and
very safe and cops are
everywhere and people are polite
but the bottom line is
you don’t have the same sort of
rights they
have in america you know we always want to talk
about our dwindling
rights and our
rights are certainly dwindling
but they’re still
way better than
what you get over in dubai
in dubai you don’t get shit
this couple
was making out on the
beach now they’re in jail that’s
they were making out and then they said
you can’t do that we’re
gonna put you in jail
so what they don’t have a problem with like
you know like the ring card girls wearing we were
i was wondering
because i didn’t talk to anybody
before i’m like what are they
gonna wear this
chicks gonna wear like
dresses like
how weird would that be if they had to wear
like that would have been awesome
yeah they gave me the headdress thing
the traditional garb
and there’s a guy
who does my job for the arab world
very nice guy
his name is muhammad and
they call muhammad
and they call muhammad rogan and
it’s hilarious
and he does the
whole outfit
when he does his broadcast he does this traditional
arab wear that they all wear
it’s like a
white outfit with like a
black thing around your head and then
a white headdress i don’t know what’s called
but everyone wears it there did it
smell okay over there
smell great
dude is there a
bunch of rich people with
crazy money and
weird outfits
right you know
and i kind of like the outfit for a certain
this is what i liked
about the outfit
i like it because like you can’t i mean
i guess you
could wear like a big
watch or something like
that but like stylistically everyone looks the same
and there’s something
about that something
about that is
dumb is like you
should be able to
dress and look however you want
but something
about that is kind of cool
because it’s like
is it really fucking important what you wear
it’s not it’s
like it’s in your head it’s nonsense and all this
style and like
how you wanna be portrayed like
have you ever seen
a dude who like wants to be thought of as like a writer
you know wants to be thought of
as like an intellectual she’s wearing like a pea jacket
with you know
elbow leather
elbow jack kerouac
yeah or that
it’s like just a certain
amount of like pretense that comes with what you wear
you know that’s unavoidable
you i dress like
i’m fucking 20 years old and i’m 42 fucking years old i
still dress
exactly the same i did when i was 20
if you look in my wardrobe when i was
twenty and now the only difference is i have more
clothes now that’s it and i have a lot of tap out shit
but other than that
it’s i fucking
dress the same
i there’s something
about wearing that outfit that they’re all in
unity too it’s
like they all recognize like we’re all in this together
like we all have the same outfit on
i mean part of it is like
it’s gotta be bad for like
creativity and
individuality and
stuff like that because one of the
reasons why people in america are so creative is cause
if you want to you
could put a lip ring in and fucking shave
half your head and
paint the other half purple and
tattoo your
face you can do whatever the fuck you want over here
and something
about that is good for
creativity to the point i
understand but also i’ve had jobs
where i’ve had
to have a uniform and it was so much better
having a uniform or wearing the same as everybody
else instead of having to pick out a different tie
every day and wear a
shirt every day
for work and yeah that is true
but if you had to choose when you’re working between
having a uniform and not having a uniform you’re always
gonna say no
no i don’t know that’s what i was just saying i
think i like having a uniform at work
because that’s good you have to have
to dress up
right right what if you
could dress like a real job any i’m talking
about real jobs
in the real
world in the real world
we live in the fake
world it’s not a
that is a nutty
thing though
about the world
is that the
world is so
it’s so goddamn
rigid and what you’re supposed to wear and how you
supposed to behave and how you supposed to dress like
jesus fucking christ like
what that’s
the best way they have of controlling people really
is to make sure that you’re always
gonna wear suits and
ties when you go to work and that
you know you can’t get into this
place because you have a hat on and you know
i hate the hat on
thing so silly that
i mean because i can
understand where like you’re in some parts
where you’re like oh that guy isn’t it
you know mike
mad at the other
guy because they’re in a different gang or something
or gotham yeah
you take your hat off yeah
they wanted me to take off my hat and i
was with you at a comedy club yeah and he works for me
it was ridiculous it was um
we were at where the fuck was it
well that’s the most
ridiculous one
strip clubs are another
ridiculous yeah that happens too
if you go to
strip club they
tell you to take your hat off now what if it was or
they tell you to turn it around it’s my
other favorite
if you wearing it like i’m wearing
sometimes say can you please turn your hat around sir
because like oh now you got me now i’m
gonna be normal
one of the funniest
things ever this is 100 true
story my ex fiance
and me went to a bar once
and we drove all the way to
oxnard or something like that
and we get there
was our friend’s birthday and they’re like
sorry sir you
can’t come in you don’t have a collar on your shirt
and i’m like wearing a
t shirt i’m like
what we drove
an hour and a half
to get here for our friend’s birthday and
you say i can’t come in and it was like all the
stores around it were closed because it was
oxnard at 9 00 pm
so i went to my car to try to find a
shirt and the only
thing i could find is my
ex fiance’s
shirt and it was like a small
little tiny
collar shirt that she wore for work
so i was like
fat man putting on this shirt it
wouldn’t even fit it looked like that old chris farley
like fat man in the
jacket thing like
i couldn’t button it up
and it had a collar though so i put the collar up
and i seriously
walked up to the door like this i’m like hi
collar shirt
can i come in and you’re like yeah i
guess so they let me in
so instead of wearing just a gray t
shirt i now look like a fucking
freak walking around the bar go hey can i get a bug
light and stuff
what is the collared
shirt a true story
what the fuck is that about
why why is a collar better than no collar
i don’t know especially
wouldn’t you just be like all
right you know what just take off that
just go in so
ridiculous the
thing about
the middle east
is that you don’t have to wear that outfit
when they gave me the headdress they
gave me one when i got there i was like okay am i gonna
do i wear this when i’m here like that would be
hilarious if
we did it like that me and mike both wore it
but no nobody had to wear it
but you know
those people
wear it and some people don’t but a lot of people do
when you go to the mall it’s like
i’d say like
30 or 40 percent of people are wearing it wow
that’s weird
so like do they
look down on people that don’t wear it like don’t know
do you get more
trouble if you wear normal clothes
i wonder that’s a good question
yeah maybe right or
maybe get in more
trouble to wear that shit
cause you’re
right fucking up the whole
scene right
blowing the
curve man i
think it would be
great cause i
would feel like you’re wearing pajamas
everywhere you
could just be
naked underneath it
it’s probably
something to do with the heat
you know cause it’s a really
light thing
and it doesn’t
stick to you and you know
i don’t know i
guess they’re probably naked
under it if you want it to
be awesome yeah
if you wanted to be
naked under that that’d actually be pretty dope yeah
probably perfect
for that kind of weather fuck yeah flapping around ball
sweat hitting your shoe yeah
great dude it’s
hot as fuck over there really and i don’t even
think we’re in the summer
but there’s
first of all
billions of mosquitoes
there we got
lucky and we didn’t get hit
but they said you can get you can get fucked up like a
swarm of them like
swarm on you
and you’ll get like a thousand bites all over you
there was wasps
that were flying around the cage at like that big
i was freaking out
because it makes you realize like oh yeah
like we’re in the fucking a middle east
you know i’m saying
we’re like east of africa
right you know
whoa do you see camels and shit
everywhere i didn’t see camels but some guys went and
wrote on camels and shit right
yeah next sex in the city takes
place there by the way really yeah
those dirty bitches to go over there to get some dick
apparently there’s a
tremendous amount of hookers in dubai
dubai is like
hooker central
it’s like there’s hundreds
and hundreds and hundreds of hookers so you go into
like bars and like clubs they don’t have clubs
unless the clubs are attached to a hotel
so you go in the club it’s attached to a
hotel and you
could just get swarmed by russian hookers wow
because there’s so many rich dudes over there
and that’s what it’s all
about it’s about rich dudes doing business
and they feed off them and suck
their cock and milk
money out of them
and you know get some cash
we were at the comedy
store the other day and this really hot chick
was all over my friend jason
and like yeah teeth
and everyone
was like damn he likes she likes him blah blah blah
and then finally like him he’s like
groping her and
stuff and he must have said something to her because
at the end she goes
you have to pay to play
and he goes what
and then he goes
what and then she goes alright
never mind and
walks away i mean this is like a half hour
of pre sale that she did to them
wow and no one saw it coming
it was like wow this is cool how much
money i don’t know
i don’t think he just went
what i can’t afford
cigarettes what the fuck are you talking about
yeah there’s
a lot of that over in the middle east though that shit
runs rampant
makes sense so many dudes with money
you know they have
the biggest
building in the
world is in dubai
it’s a half a mile high is that the one that has the
like golf thing on the top that’s another one i
think i don’t
think that’s the
same one but there is one with
a it’s a tennis
tennis courts
architecture out there is just amazing
off the chain yeah
they have so much
money they have more
money than you
could possibly imagine
but apparently it’s all dried up
apparently it’s
crazy now that so many people owe
money over there and if you get
if you go broke over there you don’t like go to
court and file for bankruptcy
no you go to fucking jail
they put your ass in a cage
they put you in what’s called
debtors prison
and debtors
prison is something you really want to avoid
so when people are
going into the hole
they just drive
their fucking ferraris to the airport and gone
so this ferrari
is abandoned at the airport like every day
people are constantly abandoning our luxury cars
leaving their houses
you know they show up to collect
money and there’s no one there and they’re gone they
moved to africa
or something
it’s fucking nutty bad
but they have nutty shit like indoor ski
facility like
you can go skiing indoors that’s badass i’ve seen
those before
apparently it’s
you have to see it to believe how big it is right
right it’s actually like
there’s a picture of it we
could probably someone
could probably google it
where it’s just like a huge like
slope it’s like a diamond
all the way down it’s
crazy i think
you can go surfing indoors too somewhere there yeah
where’d you go
i still appreciate oh yeah
yeah so anyway
so that was
what the middle east was like it was
people were very friendly over there food was fantastic
you know the the
hotels top notch
there was only well i
guess there were some people that were there that
weren’t there for the
fights but not
it wasn’t crowded was it legal
alcohol illegal
out there alcohol you don’t you can’t go to bars
but they have bars at your hotel
but that’s the only
place they have bars is in hotels
i think that’s the law you cannot have a bar
but you can have a bar inside of a
hotel for i
guess for westerners
wow but they have like you know regular
the food was
great the beer was
great it’s like a regular
beer everything
tastes okay like
their coca cola
tastes like
coca cola and
everything mmm
it has arab writing on it
that’s weird you
taking some of that
for what look it’s different
for your scrapbook
fuck my scrapbook
what are you talking about
what are you
twelve so their
arena was outside though
right there was no room
i didn’t even know
it was outside and that was an interesting
part of it too
because the
first fight was
john god damn it i forgot his last name
he fought for the ultimate fighter
anyway and mustafa al turk and
the the first fight these guys were so fucking slippery
they were punching and as they were punching
sweat was flying off them
because they were the
first guys to
fight and so they were fighting like
basically in the sunlight
wow and it was
you know fucking hundred degrees outside and
humid damn that that had to affect their
fight oh for sure yeah they
pace themselves you know and they got through it but uh
john madsen
thank you very much sir
and the john madsen mustafa
out turk was a
fight and they were so sweaty
and every time they
threw a punch
sweat was fucking flying off and
literally like like they
threw water
like they were
throwing cups of
water at each other
it was fucking
crazy so that’s
the so that’s the reason
why the guy who fought silva wanted to lay down the
whole time no
no that’s why
you just sat there we
gotta talk about that
that’s a very controversial fight i
rewatched the
fights last night
i rewatched
bj penn frankie edgar
and i rewatched
anderson silva
and damien maya
and the frankie penn
bj the frankie
edgar bj penn fight
a lot of controversy on that fight
one of them is
cause doug crosby who’s a
judge who’s a friend of mine i like them
he scored it
forty five to
fifty meaning he gave
every single
round to frankie
edgar lastly
now i thought
it was way closer than that is way closer than that
i watched again last
night in person i was like man i don’t know
when i saw in person i was like look the kid did
fantastic he
definitely did better than anybody expected
but the thing
is when you’re doing commentary for fights
basically i’m just kind of explaining what’s happening
i’m sort of keeping a
tally in my head
but what i’m concentrating on most is
explaining things
being entertaining you know trying to you know
try to do good commentary you not
really scoring
is done silently
you know correct
scoring is done silently because you’re contemplating
what’s more valuable i mean
a lot of it is subjective
but you have to contemplate okay
a guy throws a
punch and the guy the other guy
counters with a leg kick
which one was harder
which one you
know what i’m saying it’s like who do you give it to
with some people give the
punch to it
some people give the leg kick
and in that case i
could see how it
would be closer
you know then
then i thought it was when i
watched it last
night but when i
watched it last
night i thought it was
three rounds to two for bj penn
that’s what i
thought i mean i
think there’s been
closer ones before you know i mean but
to me i could have
taken either way
either way it wasn’t
ridiculous to me that he won
but 45 to 50 was ridiculous
and the reason why i say it wasn’t as
ridiculous because like
when i was calculating
when i was watching it like in the
first round he lands
a really nice leg kick at one point
and then bj hits him with a punch
and bj hit him with a couple
other punches during the takedowns
and he had pj with a few
punches and one of them cut him
so that probably
affected people because bj had like a little mark
under his face
so sometimes
judges look
at that and they go yeah he got the best of that
round just because
a little cut sometimes that affects them
so the know it’s
so subjective man
but then the
second round i was like
bj’s landing more
punches they’re like landing more frank he’s
throwing more he’s moving more
he’s making bj
fight his fight he
definitely making bj
chase up so you got to take that into account like
who’s doing better there who’s
got better ring general ship or control the octagon
while bj is the one forcing the
fight he’s chasing
after him but
frankie is really
avoiding too much damage but
i think the
cleaner shots were landed by bj
and then as it got into the
later rounds then it seemed like
frankie the only
round that was really
clear to me was the fourth or the
fifth round rather
the fifth round was
clear that was all edgar
he took him down
he landed some real good shots
it was a good
round it seemed like a
round for him
where bj was fading
every other
round but the
fifth was like man who fucking knows
well it’s kind of like if you see a
fight at a cafeteria
you’re not talking
about the first five minutes of a
fight you’re talking
about what that the end of the
fight is yes
he’s dominating that’s a very good
point that’s a very good
point and you know what a lot of people feel like
fights should be scored that way
that they’re different than
any other sport
and that the end
really is what matters because they’ve been imposing
their will on each
other and here’s the end result
the end result of 25 minutes of imposing
their will was that
frankie edgar
was kicking bj’s ass he
took him down
he leg kicked him
he was moving better
you know he in the end you know bj chased
after him the very few
the final seconds but he knew that it was the
final second i
would love to
hear bj’s not the type of guy to make excuses
other people that’s true
oh that’s true vaseline
well but that
might have been true though it really was
okay let’s be honest it
was true they rub it
on the guy’s face and you see him rub it on the guy’s
chest and rub it on the guy’s back that’s 100
i’m just kidding i know you are
but that’s 100
illegal and i love phil
nurse i think he’s a great
coach and i love gsp
i love the both of them but you can’t do that
i believe when they say that this fucking
witch doctor guy tells him to do this
thing because he explained it to me
he explained to me this weekend
it seems like
total malarkey
it’s like you know he’s telling me there’s
three minds there’s a
mind here a mind here and a mind here and this pressure
builds up on a
chain and you have to release and you grab here and you
press you know
why that works it works if you believe it works
that’s why that works and there’s a lot of
shit like that like i know a dude who’s a chiropractor
slash healer
and a lot of people
swear by him
and the reason why they
swear by him
is because if you believe that what he’s doing is
gonna heal you
your body has amazing ability to heal itself
negative and positive thinking
and negative and positive beliefs
about your life are without a doubt self
fulfilling prophecies you can decide that your life
is awesome and your life becomes awesome you can decide
that your life sucks you can decide that you’re healing
and you heal
you can decide
you’re not in pain and you won’t be in pain and you
can make pain happen
especially when it comes like back shit and
you know there’s
real injuries and people get car accidents and fucking
jiu jitsu you get your neck
cranked but there’s also people that
create back injuries to
avoid their life like they don’t want to think
about reality so ah
my fucking back
and that keeps them from
thinking about
other shit but anyway
that’s why they do this
thing where you
press the head and that’s what that’s all
about it’s like some psychosomatic
thing but it’s a
placebo if you believe in it man it fucking works
so i would like anyway i
would like to talk to bj and find out
how was he in shape
because he didn’t look as good as he usually looks
i mean he didn’t look fat
but he didn’t look as hard as he looked in the sanchez
fight in the sanchez
fight he looks sculpted
in this fight
he had a little bit of a
belly like a little bit of fat on his weight so
maybe he had an injury
because he also
didn’t sit down in a
stool in between
rounds which i thought was unusual
was it him that had the
thing on his leg
he had a knee
sleeve on and he didn’t sit down in between rounds
in which he
rounds he stood up and he put his leg up
put his leg up on the stool
and they said that to him at one
point in time bj put your leg up put your leg up wow
there you go
but i don’t know what that means it
could be a cramp
it could be nothing
it could be
if it’s that
humid and you just got done
fighting you’re
gonna want to sit down if you can
yeah i would
think so i would think so
i don’t know what it is
but see he hasn’t said a word
about it so i don’t know
so i think i
could easily see how someone
could give that
fight to frank yeager
it totally makes
sense to me
you know and i said like when i saw it live
i was like man i don’t know either way
but the end of the fight
edgar was winning the
fight and like you said that
should count more
that’s the way
pride scores it
the way pride used to do it
they counted the
fight is like one
whole thing
that’s how it
should be that’s
how i think it is totally i totally
agree with you i
think i think
fights are not like any
other sport
and that like
there was a
fight between rio
chona and brad
blackburn once
and brad blackburn was kicking rio
chona’s ass for two rounds
and then in the
third and final round real
tony came on
strong and he battered
blackburn just beat the fuck out of him
like really like went
after him and
broke his nose and
like had him running from him
total domination the
third round so was so much difference between
the first two
rounds which were pretty close but
blackburn was winning
blackburn was getting his shots in
but jonah keep coming forward
but blackburn was kicking his ass
but then the
third real jonah just
turned it on
but real lost the fight
he lost the decision because
blackburn won the
first two rounds
and i said that’s the first
the clearest
example to me
of how someone
won the fight
but lost the fight
at the same time he won a decision
right but he lost the fight
right if it was a
fight that guy lost the fight yeah
what’s crazy
about imagine two guys
fighting and at the last
second the guy hits a guy but
knocks him out
right when the bell hits
you know but in the
other guy won because he was doing the rest of the
fight better you know
but if you know
what i mean like what if that were to happen
what if that
knocks them out
no no right at the bell though like ding
bam guy knocks out
you know yeah
oh look after the
right right that’s a good
point you know
this is why you
would say that the guy
dropped his
guard because he
heard the bell
no no if it was like full for that
like ding bonk
you know like
i think as long as he was already committed to the
punch before the bell rang
right it wouldn’t be a problem
but you know that
would taste
like some crazy last
second buzzer shit right
rat no because it
because liotta bachita did that
he knocked out
tiago silva at the bell
like at the buzz
wow bang and he put him out huh
it was like during the horn i
think going off
or very close very
close within like a
second why don’t so has there
been any talk
about taking the
pride rules no
no you know what it’s
so hard to reason with the people that are involved in
so hard to get
things sanctioned
and the thing i’ve said before
people complain
about elbows
like this elbow
which is what they call the
twelve to six
elbow coming straight down yeah
the only reason why that was made illegal
was because
big john mccarthy just came straight from his mouth
when he was educating the
commission and they were trying to you know legislate
mixed martial arts
the people in
these athletic
commissions were worried
that downward
elbows on espn
at 2 o’clock in the morning can
break bricks
you know there’s fucking karate
so they’re like well we can’t have that because you
could hit someone and kill them
okay so you can’t do that but you can
still do this
which is more powerful
right i think
this is less
powerful than this
this right here seems to get more weight into it
it’s a more natural motion
this is pretty
strong but i don’t
think it’s as good as this
it’s like hitting someone on the head like that
is not as strong as hitting them like that
like when you turn your body into something
you have more
power and i
think that makes more
sense that this
elbow like the
elbow that john
jones broke
brandon vera’s eye
socket with
that elbow that’s a
legal elbow
but it’s like
powerful as fuck like
why is the other one
illegal and this one’s
legal that’s
nice i kinda get it though
cause there’s a big reason why the
ufc used to be
on a vhs tape with faces of
death in my collection
that used to be
shocking almost disturbing like oh i don’t
wanna watch
because it was like
this guy could die
no i definitely
agree that there
should be rules
and i definitely
agree that there
should be sanctioning but
it should be rational shit it
should be i don’t
think you should soccer kick people in the ground
right i don’t
think but i do
think that if a guy’s on his back
he should be able to kick you in the face
right if you’re on your knees so what he should
still be able to kick you in the face
you’re punching him in the face
why can’t he kick you that’s ridiculous
if you are on one knee you can
blast someone in the face with a punch
why can’t he kick you in the face
you’re trying to hit him
well you can’t
move as good well don’t be there then that’s ridiculous
you’re taking away
an important weapon for the guy in the bottom
you should be
able to up kick the fuck out of someone when they’re on
their knees
that guy’s trying to
punch you in the face you’re
lying on your back
it’s like your weight is on top of them like you’re
stomping him
right you’re kicking from your back at him
right you should
be able to kick his fucking head like a soccer ball
when you’re
lying on your
back and a guy’s on his knees on top he trying to
punch you you
should be able to kick the fuck out of him
and it should be much more
put yourself
in much more jeopardy you’re
in much more danger when you’re on top of a guy then
and that’s how it
should be cause that’s how it is in real life right
that’s how it
should be it shouldn’t be this unrealistic thing
where the guy has to be
standing up over you for you to kick him in the face
no it should be you can kick him
as long as you’re on the bottom
as you’re on the bottom you can kick him
and if you’re on the top
you can kick
everything except his head
and that’s what it is
you can kick a guy in the body when he’s on the ground
you know you can kick a guy in the legs
you can kick a downed opponent
so a downed
opponent should be able to kick you
anywhere from
anywhere who wants it’s legal
there’s a lot of rules that need to be
changed though like gracie’s
never tap come on
that last gracie fight
that fight that
wasn’t he wasn’t gonna
tell that that that’s one of
those fights though that i was like this all
right there
should be just i cut all
right fights over because i’m there
were so many times i’m like why is this guy even bother
let’s let’s
finish with the
frankie and your
fight before we talk
about that fight though because
i think like i said scoring is a very subjective
thing you could say that
frankie had your outworked him
because he threw more punches
and he landed leg
kicks but he didn’t land that many leg kicks frankie
definitely landed more leg kicks
he mixed it up more had take down time so i
could definitely see him winning the fight
i could see it being an argument
because no one
can say that
their opinion when something’s that close
you can’t really say that your opinions
right or wrong
but the fifth
round he won
yeah he won the
fifth round i don’t see how anybody
could argue that he didn’t
but douglas crosby man 50 to 45 that makes no
sense that’s
ridiculous that
doesn’t make any
sense he must have been drunk
that’s why the referee
should be done by
100 people yes i
think you’re
right i think
three is too little
and you know here’s another problem
maybe the referee
should be done in some sort of an online thing
where people
they get picked
absolutely no
like they get picked
they like posters on message
boards guys who are big fans
guys who really really
understand a
sport and we do it
electronically what’s the
thing that’s
like measures
tv ratings and
stuff like it
anneal somebody
yeah and something like that you’re on
i think you
should pick only a certain amount
i don’t think it
should be like millions of people oh no i don’t mean
i mean it means like that though you’re pacing
but you know what the
problem is they’d all have to be there live to really
then there’s
that too there’s that argument there’s that live
is actually not as good no you’re not seeing the
whole thing
right so you’re not seeing the
whole angles
and you don’t get to see
monitors you know like
when you’re live like when i’m doing commentary
i’ve got two monitors to my right
and one to my left
so there’s all sorts of
angles like sometimes
we’re looking at a
fight and we’re
watching it live through the cage and
right when some shit goes down
they’ll move in
front of a barrier
or they’ll move in
front of one of the poles and i can’t see shit for a
second then i have to turn to the monitor
or they’re on the ground and from the
angle where i’m at all i see is one
the side of a person’s
body like they’re on the ground but they’re on the
other side of the octagon i can’t see it
so i have to look to the monitor
the judges don’t get that they don’t get monitors
so these guys are just
watching the
fight as it’s happening
from the angle that they get
and you know i argued with
the fucking the athletic
commission guy about it
and he’s like well you know
this is you know that’s why we have
three judges so they all have different angles
but no because you’re
gonna get one guy
he’s gonna give a shitty
angle exactly you can’t see it as
guessing give him
fucking monitors no they
should have
monitors they
should have it like er
style where the doctors are all
above looking down at the
fight like er
absolutely you know
but the problem is even if
above what you
would really have to do is be in there right
and we can’t have that now
above with monitors the cameras are better really
watching it
watching it live is better for the
excitement like there’s nothing that
beats that excitement
it’s fucking nuts you know and when you’re there
and you know fucking you know
randy couture
is stepping in
to fight brock lesnar
and the place is
going bananas you know that’s
that’s pretty
intense you know that you can’t recreate that at home
at home it’s fun
but when you’re there
live you feel like you’re a part of history
like you feel like you’re a part of some
wild ass shit you
know when shogun and machida
fight in montreal in may
that being in that arena
when those two guys step in there for the rematch
that’s gonna be
everyone in the fucking
place is gonna have
goosebumps that’s
gonna be nuts man
because they’re
gonna know this is history man
right these guys went at it
for five fucking rounds
everybody thought machita was totally untouchable
and then most people thought
shogun won the decision
and now they’re
going at it
again and it’s live and it’s happening
right now here we go
watching at home is pretty dope
you know you get the commentary you get the replays you
get all the information but
watching it live
there’s some special
crackle in the air well you’re also
front row in the middle
most of the time when i
watch live i
watch the monitors like i watch it
while they’re
standing up
but once it’s down i’m looking at the monitor
and replay from the
floor you’re
right there yeah and i’m only like a couple rows you
know but still i’m
watching the monitors yeah
being right there is pretty dope to be
able to look through the cage
right it’s almost
worth keeping that
ufc job just for that yeah
do you ever get like
blood splat
right on your face
yeah i got hit
this weekend oh you did i got hit on my arm
yeah yeah one of the prelims
you just lick it up a little on it
a sucking tea out of it i told him give us a hot
water get in my dna it was
pretty intense
yeah there was a lot of
there was a lot of
blood in a couple of the fights
the that was in the
paul kelly matt
beach fight matt
beach had a horrible cut
he had a couple of them
and just splattered they were
right in front of us
and they’re beating on each
other and just the blood
just went flying
so that’s my take on the controversy on the
frankie edgar
bj penn fight
i think frankie editor
frankie edgar
fought a hell of a
fight it was a
tremendous performance i was
super impressed with them
but i’m not exactly sure
if i agree with the verdict i
definitely don’t
agree with 50 45
but i thought it was a very close fight
and obviously i’m not a
judge so who the fuck am i to judge and i
definitely could see an argument for
frankie winning it
and like i said he put on a tremendous fight
i mean really impressive and it
definitely won the last round
so if you you look at it in terms
of like we said you know someone that’s the way it
should be that though the guy wings around last
round wins the
fight i mean he’s the they’ve
they’ve imposed a will upon each
other and you
know the end result is
after all this time
this guy’s dominating the
other guy right
but cafeteria rules then
there’s another
school of thought
where you have to take the
champions title
you know which i don’t really
agree with i
think the decision
should be clear
but i think you go in neutral
i think when a guy’s a
champion you go in neutral
you know you both go in neutral
and if the champion
you know if you win the decision you’re the new
champion if he wins the decision
he’s a new champion it
doesn’t have to be some
crazy domination you
know because that’s what leads to like shitty decisions
where a guy
really does beat the
champion but
he only edges them and then he
never gets the he
never gets the
those are frustrating as fuck
cause you think he did it i
think he did it
yeah the other problem with the
frankie edgar
fight this is
an interesting
point is that
when you’re
watching a guy
who you think is
gonna get his ass kicked
right a lot of people did a lot of people thought
frankie edgar
was gonna get
you know bj penn is the
greatest lightweight of all time
frankie edgar got beat by gray maynard
they’re like
there’s no way this guy’s
gonna beat him
right so people like
think that because he’s doing well he’s winning
wow he’s doing better than i thought
so they say
holy shit he’s beating them he’s beating them yes
but when you go back and you watch it
that’s why it’s so much with so much pressure to be a
champion so much pressure
i’ll never forget this
when bj penn
beat matt hughes i interviewed matt
after the fight
and matt said that he was relieved
really yeah just all the stress
super honest he said you don’t know what it’s like
to be a champion and everybody’s always gunning
after you he goes
to be honest with you i’m really relieved
and i was really like
first of all i was very impressed with his honesty
know that’s a very honest
thing to say you know
when you you just fought
and you’re standing there
covered in sweat
naked in front of the fucking
whole world you know like i’m relieved i just lost
now i can catch a breath you know
relax and then he came back and won the
title again
you know so i think he
learn from the
experience but
i think it’s a
tremendous amount of pressure for guys
to fight and defend the
title and to always worry
about defending the title
especially in something like
mixed martial arts
i mean it’s probably a
tremendous amount of pressure
if you’re a fucking
basketball team
you know defending
their their
world championship but a
fighter when
used always guys coming up
their gun in for you
and every time you
watch a ufc
there’s some new murderer
whose head kicking dudes into a fucking coma
and he wants to do the same shit to you
and he’s talking shit
about you calling you a faggot and a
bitch and like
jesus christ
you know these guys gets
that’s why they’re so goddamn sensitive is that what’s
going on right now with
tito and lidell isn’t it
it seems like it seems like they’re
fighting back
or is not fighting
chuck liddell
oh really not
fighting chuck liddell
chuck liddell is
going to be
fighting rich
franklin and i can only say this because it’s
officially been released
it was on the
ufc’s website
i can’t say why
they’ve been
going back and forth on
twitter i’ve been noticing it it’s kind of getting dirt
oh yeah well that all
it’ll all come out what happened in time i can’t talk
about it though
right it’s um
oh yeah that’s what it is
so um anyway
that’s that
but you know when dudes are defending
their title i
think there’s a lot of emotions at
stake and i
think that’s one of the
things that people have to
take into consideration with this anderson silva fight
you know anderson silva
angry at him and
every and it was a very
disappointing fight
especially because the
first two rounds
he looked like like fucking
bruce lee i mean it was like
ridiculous shit
he was he that flying knee that he hit him with in the
first round
you like jesus christ
he’s just gonna
steam roll this guy
he’s just gonna keep doing this
until this guy just crumples
he’s just gonna keep attacking at will and he’s
breaking this dude’s will it was totally humiliating
but i think that the emotion
of defending the title
the emotion
and the pressure of being regarded as the best
pound for pound
fighter in the world
i think that’s an insane amount of pressure
i think it’s insane
and i think when damien maya said shit to him like i’m
gonna take one of his arms home with me
anderson got fucking
crazy so when he was in there
after the first
round after he was kicking his ass
and the second
round he’s just
started just talking mad shit
yelling at him in portuguese i wish i
understood what the fuck he was saying has he not been
translated yet well some people have
given rough
of it on the internet but i don’t know how you
could possibly hear
i’ve watched the
fight and i’ve turned the volume way up
it’s so hard to discern
what he’s saying
because there’s no
microphone on him he’s not miked
headphones man
and the crowd is
screaming cheering and
we’re talking over him
right so me and mike
were talking like what is he saying you know and he’s
going not screaming and yelling at
even if you had headphones on i
think it would
still be hard
screaming and yelling at
damian maya and i
guess he was calling him like a
spoiled rich
kid or something like that like just damian miles like
comes from a better
upbringing i don’t know what it was
where’s your
jiu jitsu now is another
thing that people are speculating he was saying
like where’s your
jiu jitsu where is it bam then kick some
where’s your jiu jitsu
see i didn’t have a problem with it
i’m not on the boat that dane is
on and everyone else is on with it because i don’t care
about the respect
thing to me
if he can play fucking air guitar in the ring
you’re putting
him up against somebody
that shouldn’t be there
like if you
put him in with a brock that’s just attacking him
where he doesn’t
have a chance to do all this fun shit in the ring
then that’s different than
the guy just
going to his back
every time because he wants to do jiu jitsu
i mean if he
doesn’t want to you
know he was laying on his back he kept on
going to his back
to me i was like
well he only
went to his back because he failed to take down and
he has to do that
he has to fall
backwards because if he moves forwards he’s
gonna get punted
he doesn’t really that’s
really when when you pull when you
shoot on a guy and you don’t get to take down
what happens is
like say so you
shoot on a guy try to get all of them he sprawls
you have to
follow it when a guy sprawls he kicks his legs back
right when he kicks his legs back
you have to follow his legs with your legs to try to
stay a hold of them and
right but of course anderson knew this was
gonna happen and anderson
is so much more explosive and so much faster than him
like i’ve always said i
think he’s in the
matrix like i
think he’s just seeing this shit
like he can see
something going on five
seconds before it happens
and i think all
right you gotta get somebody that’s in the
matrix okay but
how come he couldn’t
keep doing that because he didn’t do that in the fourth
round a fourth
round he got fucking whopped
the fourth or the
fifth he got hit with a big ass left hand
where dan was because he
got he stopped doing it because he’s heard what
all the people booing at him and probably dana
might it’s like you
some got up and left or something
crazy like that
he probably like all
right i guess i have to get out of this
matrix for a while
and be somebody that i’m not fuck me talking
well i mean
if you look how
smooth and calm
he was up to like
about the fourth one
then it seems like something happened between the
third and the fourth he was yelled at or something
he got tired
wow that’s what happened he got
tired we’re outside
it’s super humid
it’s hot as fuck
it’s first time
fighting outside it’s
he’s gotten two rounds of
clowning in
and i think all that energy that he
expended he
could not keep up that kind of pace
he was winning the fight
based on sheer
explosion and
absolutely totally
avoiding any damage
which is his
style but then he got hit
when he got hit
in the third
round or the fourth
round rather i
think it was the fourth of the
fifth he got hit with a big left hand
i think he shut down
i think he was like fuck this
i think he really decided like i
could get my i
could get hurt here
you know like and he’s tired
right you know so he decided to keep moving i really do
think that’s what happened
because the
fifth round
he didn’t do jack shit
you know and there was one segment
where he was
standing over maya
and maya was
throwing bombs at him from his knees
maya was throwing
punches from his knees
and maya was just trying
to fucking kill him he just couldn’t connect to them
and in that kind of exchange normally
anderson just
lights dudes up
that kind of exchange of guys coming at
him attacking and bombing up
and he doesn’t counter
why isn’t he
counter he kids
not he’s tired
that’s what happened
you know and
now i don’t hear a lot of people saying this i
think in the fourth and the
fifth rounds
i think he was
tired i think he was too
tired to to
fight at his normal pace
which is his
explosion inside and outside his
speed that he uses
he’s lightning fast man and when he dives
in like that he’s so much faster than everybody else
and that’s one of the keys to his countering
but when he got
tired he wasn’t as fast anymore
he just wasn’t
he lost a lot of
esteem and i
think he just
sat at his coast
he was like fuck it
i won this fight
i’m just gonna
coast since
do you think that’s his fault for
being able to
coast it’s a good
point because i mean brock
wouldn’t let somebody
coast for two
rounds neither
would you know
fade or fader
would put a guy out he
would he would find the guy put a put fade or
you know is not afraid to get hit
anderson never gets hit
fader gets his face busted up
i mean the brett
rogers fight like
right like first
round first
minute he got hit with a big jab
and his nose broke open
he had a cut on his nose
going into the
fight anderson
never gets caught he
never gets hit
he got hit more in the damian maya
fight than i ever recall him
he definitely got hit harder
when damien
there’s one
animated gift online
that someone
found of damien
why maya stepping in and
cracking silva with a big fucking left hand
and really hit him square and silva
wobbled and
moved away and
started dancing
that’s a guy who got hit that’s a guy who’s
tired and got hit
i think he fucked
around too much in the beginning he blew a
ton of energy
we’re outside it’s
humid and then
i think psychologically he
starts thinking what the fuck am i doing
you know i’m acting like an asshole and
screaming and yelling at this guy
and then he stand in
front of the dude
clowning him and he gets
cracked and then i
think he just decided to move just fuck this
see i’m a huge silho fan still
i don’t care
what happened i
think if anything he
learned his lesson
in this shit but i don’t
like all these people are like you know
blaming him for this
and i just don’t see it i’m like
why isn’t the
other guy the
other guy let him all do all this well here’s the
problem here’s the problem
first of all it was a historic ufc
he was the headline
fight and one of the goals of course besides winning
winning is the number one goal for
a fighter but the
other goal is to entertain
you have to
realize that you’re in a partnership with the
ufc and the
ufc sells pay per view
and what they say
sell pay per view on is
based on how
impressive and
exciting your performances
yeah but when you play
easy when you
play easy and you just run away you know an attack
he could have finished that guy off in the
second round
he could have
maybe finished him off even in the
third round
he had just put himself in danger
and he’s not willing to put himself in any danger
and he’s very smart
for that yes well calculated
fighter i don’t i see the argument for that however
for what he did in the fourth
round and the
fifth round i don’t see an argument for
because he didn’t do shit
he didn’t attack at all he didn’t fight
he literally didn’t fight
maybe he couldn’t
you know i mean
he definitely couldn’t
fight the way he fought in the
first two rounds
and he’s not willing i
think at this
point in time with all the pressure on him
being widely regarded as the best
pound for pound
fighter in the
world he’s not
willing to get in exchange and get
cracked you know he’s got a
tremendous ego
especially for
you know i see the
thing but i also say hey
is this entertainment part
going make me lose this
fight because if it is i’m not
going to do that
yeah i mean look i
think there’s
definitely some worry
about that i
think he definitely was
worried about
if he was tired and if he was
going to those fourth and
fifth rounds
the only thing that makes
sense to me
is that he moved around because he didn’t feel like he
could fight at the pace that he fought out before
and when that guy hit him
he said you know what this isn’t a game i
could get hurt here i
could lose and i
would look completely retarded
right so let’s just move around fuck this guy
i’ll throw some faints
right i’ll move around
faint yeah the guy
should have attacked him more
yes he couldn’t
the bottom line with damien myers damien my has a
tremendous heart but
his striking is so
below what anderson’s is the only way it’s
gonna work is if anderson’s really tired
and anderson wasn’t willing to stand in
front of him when he’s really
so who do you
think silva
can fight that
would just change the game the guy will
come in there and won’t let silva do any of this shit
it’s a good question some people say vitor belfort
but the problem with vitor
belfort is vitor
has had some
very uneven
like sometimes he just looks like unstoppable
like against like rich
franklin you know
against van der lee
silva he comes
charging out in the
first round but sometimes like
against sakuraba
things don’t go his way and he kind of shuts down
and guys wind
up beating his ass like he
broke his hand in the sakuraba
fight early
and you can see him like totally shut down
and sakuraba just kicked his ass
you know in the
randy couture
fight same thing
randy couture just
broke him got on top of him and just beat him up
in his first
fight with randy couture
and in his third
fight the second fight
was stopped really
quickly because
randy had a cut on his eyelid and his eyelid opened up
like it was like
split in the middle
like he got
glanced with a
punch and then vitor
became the champ for one fight
and then when
randy beat him up in the rematch
randy got on top of them just broke them
you know vtor
if guys put
put a tremendous amount of pressure on him in the past
they’ve been able to
break him but
the other argument to that is he was
going through a
tremendous amount
of personal problems back then he’s a different guy now
his sister had been abducted and kidnapped and killed
and he was like really devastated for years you
know and that
he’s over that now and he’s very religious and more
at peace with himself and more
like in tune
and his last few performances
have been staggering
like the matt
linland destruction
he destroyed matt linland he looked outstanding
and then he came to the
ufc and destroyed rich franklin
i mean he looks
scary as fuck and
anderson you know
did not want that
fight they were talking mad shit to each
other i mean they were you know
anderson’s manager was trying to say that vitor
doesn’t deserve the
title fight like
what are you talking
about he’s the scariest
motherfucker at 185 besides anderson
right of course he deserves it
i don’t think they wanted that
fight i think
you know they can talk all the shit they want
about him being weak and
v towards weak and he
breaks mentally
he comes at you in that
first round you have to
fight him before you break him
okay before you
break him he’s
throwing light
speed fucking barrages of
punches like no one else in the business
he’s scary as fuck
and if he really is
a better more
mature person if he really is more centered now
and he’s not
going to break
and really is like
at home with
himself and really his problems in the past were he was
going through a lot of emotional and personal problems
but those have actually made him stronger
if that’s the case
everybody’s fucked
cause that guy is a freak
he’s so fucking fast
he might be the only guy that’s faster than anderson
he’s a counter
striker and he’s not as long as anderson
so anderson
would have a little bit of advantage and
a reach advantage
but goddamn vitor
is fast as fuck
and john jones
super athlete john
jones is a freak too
but john jones is 205 john
jones can’t make 180 what
about gsp vs silva
could that ever happen
he was going to happen
that should happen
it was going no they’ll
never do that now
they can’t trust anderson
now they can’t
trust him to perform
this is what i was saying before this is why this
fight was so important
this is why they’re so pissed
because of the last two rounds
him just running away
the ufc is owned 10
of his own by
flash entertainment
which is the
royal family in abu dhabi
and this was like a huge showcase for them
this was like
their big acquisition
you know they’re
partners now and they’re
gonna help bring the
ufc to all these
world markets all over the world
so everyone’s all
excited about this
right so then they have this huge event
where it’s like a 3 million dollar gate okay
that’s the ticket sales
they have fucking ferrari
world they put it inside ferrari world
first outside thing
the thing looks fantastic the
crowd is insane
the crowd was awesome they were so pumped up
everybody was
super fucking rowdy
every fight was chaos
except the bj penn
frank jaeger
fight that was just very close
you know but there was some wild ass fights
before the black
brad blackburn and demarcus johnson
god damn kendall
grove and mark buenyo
that fucking
fight was awesome it was just nuts
the crowd is hyped to the gills
anderson silva comes in
they go fucking
crazy there ain’t
no sunshine when she’s gone the
music plays
you see him dancing
they’re going fucking bananas
and he runs for the last two
rounds yeah
and dude it
was a disaster everybody walked out of there with their
their head hung
shaking their head
going what the fuck everyone was
it wasn’t like
there was two arguments
some people were saying well i see his
point might take a chance no
everyone was bummed out
what the ufc sells
is just wild shit
you’re selling wild fucking
chaos fights
the most exciting
sport in the world
what anderson
silva is selling is
he’s the very best at the wild shit
right and meanwhile he didn’t do it
the last two
rounds he just ran away
that’s terrible for the business
it’s terrible for
what the ufc is trying to accomplish in
other countries
it’s terrible for
their new partnership with
flash entertainment
it’s terrible
to have a ufc outside and all the
fighters be out of
their element too
it is you’re
right but it’s even
they’re both out of
their element yeah
but they’re also i mean
that’s just different you know that’s like playing
flips all the time he
was fighting though
it had cooled down it
cooled down to like
maybe the 70s
but the first guys yeah
john manson and
and mustafa
i’ll turk those
motherfuckers fought in a sauna
what you think
about that gracie
fight though i thought that was
awful well henzo hadn’t
trained for two and a half years wow
that’s a long time yeah i said he didn’t
train at all this what he said in the post
fight interview
and then he
trained for six
months for the
fight and it just wasn’t enough
matt hughes
for him he had been looking to
knock somebody out forever
so for him it
was an awesome opportunity to finally get someone who’s
gonna stand in
front of them wow
you know i like matt
hughes in it
yeah he like
kicked the shit out of him i thought he was
gonna take him down
i thought he
would beat him from the top
because matt
hughes even though a kenzo has like really good jujutsu
matt hughes’s jujutsu is very underrated
and he’s very
strong and is
wrestling look what he did to hoist
when he got him on the ground
he just ran through hoist
when he got him on the ground
he’s strong as fuck man
and i just think
it would have been more
exciting if they went to the ground
both would have been in
their element
instead it was like a
sloppy kickboxing it was bad
yeah it looked like
ultimate fighter like the
first episode yeah
yeah yeah yeah like
the tv show yeah it’s a bunch
they’re both doing
things they’re not good at
it’s like you and i
we’re gonna have a one on one game of
basketball right we
both fucking
suck at basketball
yeah it’ll be terrible
you know but you know
if they both had a
if they try to take each
other down and you know and had a ground battle that
would have been
exciting as fuck
for matthews though
it was a smart move
he had an advantage
standing up and plus no one’s
gonna take him down it’s very
tough to take that
guy do you got to be like gsp to take matt hughes down
right so he wasn’t
gonna take him down
and matthews felt like he had an advantage
standing so beat him up
so that’s what he did he beat him up with leg kicks
slowed him down and then eventually
planted them
you know i think matthew
still has a lot of
fights in him if he wants to there’s
still a lot of good
matchups for him if he really gets
motivated i don’t
think he’s gonna
fight like that with that many people though i think
his decision to
stand up with him was purely
based on that he felt like he had an advantage
in that position
he needs to
change his opening song already i’m done with it oh get
the fuck out of here
that’s a goddamn
classic man says
fuck you i’m
gonna play that now because you say that you
i’m just saying that you know it’s it’s
fuck you done with that i think
my favorite
fights are the japanese dude that’s not
fighting anymore the
ufc because he lost the last one
where he dresses up and
he has fun with the opening like the japanese pride guy
he is my favorite man
i wish they would
there’s no chance he’s ever coming back dfc right
yeah there’s a chance oh really
gomez still pretty young man
i like candies when my feet love this song motherfucker
this is walk out
come on man this is a great goddamn song
so you never wanted to live in the woods like this
motherfucker yeah i liked it the first
500 times i’ve heard it
god i don’t give a shit
when he comes out to that he’s fucking chewing on his
mouthpiece come on son this is the
greatest walkout music ever i know in my opinion
there’s no better walk out
music than this song for matthews there’s no better
match doesn’t doesn’t
what’s better
come on son
it’s perfect for him but
mix it up a little
i’m always about mixing it up a little
nah you lie
the guy won
a million fucking
fights with that song yeah fuck you it’s greatest song
ever plus the
ufc owns that song oh that’s perfect they bought the
rights that’s really because of matt
who’s yeah so they can use the whole time
yeah they’re the ufcs fucking they’re
crazy is there any word on a new kimbo fight
kimbo vs mitreon
may 9th nice in montreal
go if you want want to come with you
kid gets fucking four seats to the usa how
about all you people out there that are like fuck man i
would like to go you can’t even go
that’s bullshit all right
so i actually prefer it dude
watching on tv yeah
you would too
i bet you would too
if you were with
it we go to barney’s beanery now there will come a time
while i would be
watching it on tv
i’m not gonna do this forever yeah
we go to barney’s beanery
there’s a tv at our table
plasma right in
front of us
there was like
movie theater
tvs we got waitresses
bringing us the joker
worst food ever beer
there’s like 20 of us
i mean it’s like a party
yeah that’s better
right it’s way better
it is better
god damn it
you gotta call in six soon i know right
i’m responsible for part of the
entertainment part of it though the talking part
yeah you know
i would like to i like
watching it with commentary man
oh i don’t way rather
watch somebody else
do commentary
like michael
chevello or
like if michael
chevello and goldberg got together and then like put a
fighter in there like pat milita
or something like that i’d be
happy as fuck
to sit home and
watch that right now
tibetti can’t do it from your home like you
know how like
xm radio stations
they could do their ship
from home now
tibetti can’t just sit there with a tv and one no
i have to interview
the fighters
what are they
holograms man
the monitor
real doll yeah
robot fuck doll
that’s what we were talking
about before like that when they
could replicate people the
first thing to do is replicate
celebrity so you can fuck them yeah
so no eventually though i’m just
gonna do stand up i don’t know when it’s
gonna happen but
maybe sooner than later i’m
not i don’t like all this
traveling you know it’s getting crazy
you know that was one for your health
there’s one thing that everyone was talking
about at the bar i was at
is that there’s too many ufcs now
they were all talking
about that really yeah
they’re like
that’s why we’re coming here because i can’t afford two
ufcs a month yeah
meanwhile the pay per view numbers are
still awesome oh yeah
absolutely they’ll always be awesome you know the
point is though the more they do it the more
it grows and the more it becomes a part of like the
culture and it’s 12
months a year and it
never stops i mean it really is
gonna take over
everything it’s
gonna you know what’s
gonna happen eventually
i’ll probably just do the
vegas ones eventually
i’ll just do some of them
you know where the la won’t
ever come back to la they won’t come back very often
they go to la like once a year
every two years or something like that
we got too many
places to go we
gotta go to fucking
germany and ireland and australia and all that shit
about ohio why does it have to be
crazy well the wec went to ohio this year i know
but why do you
have to go to afghanistan is why do you just go to ohio
now because they want to take over the
world you know they want to take over the
world look they have a product that was very very
undersold right when they
first came into the
ufc the ufc had insane potential
but very little
coverage very few people know
about it when
when i first
started working for the
ufc was in 1997 and
and the company that i worked for was seg
a very much
smaller company than
you know the
ufc now was zuffa
it was you know it was
a lot of the same guys are
still there
a lot of the behind the
scenes guys
we did shows in like
little fucking
high school auditoriums and like
dothan alabama
and shit like really
small ass shows
and we always said
you know what this
sport needs
this sport needs some fucking
crazy billionaires who just love the
sport to come in there and just
shove it in
front of people’s faces
put it on tv
spend a fuckload of
money and make it huge
but nobody ever thought that was really
gonna happen
but that is what happened
with zuffa what happened is
these guys that own
22 fucking casinos
happened to be ufc fans
and they decided to buy it for fun
you know let’s buy the
ufc that’ll be fun
and so they get dana to run it i mean
you’d have to be
crazy to get that fucking guy to run it
right you know i mean think
about that or
really intelligent yeah but he’s the perfect
guy he’s the perfect guy the perfect guy for but what
other corporation would
have us a president or ceo like that a
fighting corporation but
there are no
other ones you know i’m saying it’s like you
would go they
would have a businessman who
would step in and do it meanwhile dana is just a nut
and a crazy
fight for him he’s the perfect guy for the job
literally you couldn’t get a better guy for the job but
then they took
over but they realized when they took over once it
started taking off
after the ultimate
fighter tv show
started airing
they realized
that all the
sport needed in america was exposure
and this is a
sport that transcends cultural
boundaries languages
it transcends
everything traditions everybody
understands fighting
you know nobody’s gonna
watch fucking cricket in america you’re
never gonna sell that
you know you
could try to
make people
think they’re sophisticated if they
enjoy soccer or
maybe you know your family’s from
latin america so you like soccer
but no one is
gonna fucking
buy cricket
they’re not
gonna buy cricket
but fighting
fighting is
everywhere you can you can
watch fighting in
china you can
watch fighting in germany it
doesn’t matter it
doesn’t matter if you
understand the language
i like watching the old
prides when the
i used to get
prides straight from japan
and the commentary
would all be in japanese it was fucking awesome yeah
i don’t even know what they were saying but
what do we get
knocked out
would go crazy
screaming in japanese it was fucking awesome
i didn’t have to know what they were saying i love it
i loved everything
about part even the opening walk yeah
i thought it was
great i did like all the pageantry how the
other giant
screens the dude’s face on it and shit
i thought that was pretty i
think it’s fun
man it’s ridiculous they had pyrotechnics for a
while but then
joe hill de
oliveira got burnt
he got barbecued
during one of the pyrotechnics well that’s what the
cbs fight mma
tried to do
right really
yeah they had like live
music bands like kid rock
oh you know talking
about a bfc yeah that
was ridiculous
that was so
stupid yeah they had a band play a song
affliction did that
affliction yeah
was affliction
yeah of course
yeah those silly fucks they
had a band play a song in the middle of the fucking
fight like in the
in the middle of show was either the middle of show
were fights did
fights go on
and then the band i
think that’s what it was
in the beginning i
think that’s what it was in between
fights or something like that so dumb
you don’t want to mix that it’s like people have
asked me before it’s like
open up for bands like do comedy for you know we’re
gonna have like
four bands we like you to go on the middle do comedy
fuck it’s the
worst it doesn’t work like that man
nobody wants to see your comedy
when they’re in the groove
to see music
and nobody wants to see your
fucking band if they’re in the groove to see fights
you know it’s just like
you can’t stop a rock concert
put on a fight
you can’t do it it
wouldn’t be as good
you know you couldn’t have like
some fucking
awesome rolling
stones concert
and then stop it halfway through the middle
and have like an mma fight
people be like what is this this is bullshit what am i
watching totally
phone ring you only
it’s it’s better when you only have one
thing you know one
thing is good
these extravaganzas
well that’s why i hate doing like award shows
doing comedy on award shows
cause they have like all
these awards and little clips and then you do
stand up in the middle of it it’s like oh
the last time i did that was the guys choice award for
spike it was disastrous
it was terrible
nobody wanted to hear anybody’s comedy
it’s like the whole
thing was like they were sitting there for
three hours
watching some boring ass award show it’s like
they wanted to just
get the fuck out of there by the time i got on stage
did you hear
about the conan deal
yeah he’s gonna do tbs
right before
lopez that’s awesome
it’s good for him
you know why
both of them for both of them yeah and you know why i
think it’s good for him too is
because they’ll let him do whatever the fuck he wants
tbs what the
fuck exactly
tbs is gonna blow up now it’s
gonna blow up
and by the way kona’s already rich
right he made so much
money from that just leaving nbc
you know they give him like 35 million
bucks he can do whatever the fuck he wants now is
tbs the same company as spike
no i don’t think so
i don’t know
comedy central is
comedy central and
spike are that’s why my special
first air on
spike and then are on comedy
central right
and you can get my that dvds available now so go
by the amazon link
on your website yeah it’s on my way on joe rogan net
and it’s on
it was the number two on itunes
you know if it
still is yeah
robin williams what the fucks hilarious did you ever go
ahead of it beetle
i don’t know if i
would you have
but god how
could i don’t get that
i understand how some people
think some things
some things are funny
you know there’s some guys that i get that people
think they’re
funny but i don’t see it
but the robin williams
thing goes right
over my head
i just i go what are you
laughing at i have
never laughed at him once
maybe in a movie
you know like
when i was a
kid i loved something like
that when i was a kid i listened to stand up
because it was raunchy like he was talking about his
dick and i was like
seven years old
watching hbo
you know so that’s the only reason i ever liked him he
never did it for me
and then when i
heard he was a
giant thief
then he’s forever
tainted like
even if he says something
funny i’m watching
he says something
funny i’m like
where’d you get that from you
steal that from you fuck
you know so
speaking of
crazy celebrities did you hear
about steven seagal
steven seagal got arrested he did yes
that’s impossible he’s getting oh i’m
sorry he’s getting sued he didn’t get arrested
andy dick is
any dick got arrested yeah
did you hear
about that yeah
he walked into someone’s house
well he was also the day before he was
thrown out of a winery in
santa barbara
for being too drunk
how do you get thrown out of a winery
i blame dr drew
you blame dr drew
if you’re out there i blame you
why do you believe dr drew you have enabled
andy dick sir
he was on sober
house with dr drew oh
that’s okay
i don’t know
wasn’t dr drew
silverhouse was that it i don’t
think so whichever one
it is what is it celebrity rehab was he on that is that
one of them
he was on celebrity rehab i don’t
think something
i don’t know
he’s practicing
maybe dr drew’s dick
maybe i’m just a mad
there are you
how rude dr drew
we just kidding just kidding
just kidding
fucking celebrity rehab is
spectacular oh
it’s one of my favorite shows ever if you ever wanted
like motivation to not do drugs
watch tom sighs more on
twitter we have dude not even him what
about that chick that that
oh annoying
no other one
no yeah the
crazy sex addict
chick i swear to god she’s one of
those girls that they shouldn’t
even have her on the show because it’s just disgusting
to watch she’s pretty gross
i actually like the
ended up liking the girl from that day
what’s that she used to be on that old sitcom
that has the dog that died during the show
that wrote the book
about being molested
oh mackenzie phillips actually liked her
acting by the end
she’s a nice person yeah she’s cool
her whole stories are
horrific yeah it’s horrible if you don’t know the
story of mackenzie phillips dad
fucked her like her whole life
like she had a
sexual relationship with her dad
like her whole life
and her dad shot
her up with heroin or with cocaine when she was eleven
jesus christ
what ah eleven
and her dad shot her up with coke i mean the
whole thing is just
the the most horrific
thing you could ever possibly imagine that someone
would do this to
their kid and fuck
their kid their
whole life had a
sexual relationship with a kid
and to the point
where she told her
like hey we
could leave we
could go to
countries where this is totally acceptable
what country is he
gonna go to
what country is it acceptable to fuck your kids
right is there one out there no
that should be just death
jesus christ
that should be
death yeah well
speaking of
death the catholic religion is fighting
they’re trying to
impose a statue of
limitations on
sexual molestation cases
because right now there’s a
statue of limitations on
sexual molestation cases that’s like
i believe it’s like 30 years
so they’re trying to impose
they’re trying to make sure that that
sticks they
they want to make sure that
they don’t they don’t change it to no stature of
limitations because then
anytime someone has a case
right now if the case is more than
thirty years old
i think it’s
thirty years
pretty sure
the case is more than
thirty years old
uh you have to if you’re
gonna be a part of the case you have to be joining
with other people that are that are also
inside the case
so say if someone has a case that’s
twenty nine years old
and yours is
thirty the same priest fucked you
then you can join in if yours is old i see
but if yours
yeah is the
individual case you
they’re saying
they don’t want you to be able to sue
and people are saying no this is
crazy crazy
and meanwhile the the catholic church is urging people
to vote against this because they’re
saying that it’s an assault in the church how is
pedophiles how is
shielding pedophiles
with a statue of
how is that fucking helping the church
and how would getting rid of
any statue of
limitations that would
impose a timeline for when you can be prosecuted for
a horrible crime
against humanity
how could that be what god wants
that god wants you to
sick of it joe
you know joe
i was thinking
about today i just got in a huge
fight with my
sister i unfaced
booked oh your
sister let’s talk
about well you can’t talk
about that well i
can’t but i
could tell you about this
i unface booked her
and because i unface
booked her she’s
about to have a baby and she said that i
could no longer be an uncle
because i unfaced booked her
but there’s only two times you can’t be an
uncle anymore she’s not
allowing me
oh that’s hilarious but
this all stands
wanna be an
uncle to my daughter
huh sure oh you’re an
uncle now i am
uncle now so
you can’t steal
you can’t steal the
uncle he’s an uncle
so anyways there was
two times i’ve gotten into such a huge
fight with my
sister both of
these times
it rooted from religion
well you know what
man people want to believe that there’s some rules and
regulations to the world
because it makes them feel better and when you come
along and say that they’re not that they don’t exist
then it makes them we have to reevaluate their
whole life they fucking hate it and they get
angry at you
because you’re fucking up
their peace
fucking they’ve developed
a peace of mind
from the idea that you
know the god is
great god is good you do the
right things you’re
gonna go to heaven
like that helps them get through the day man yeah
and for a lot
of people it’s a nice simple box to put the world in
and when you go fuck it’s a fucking box look it’s a box
throw it away
they go fuck you
give me my box
right they want that box back man and it makes
sense it’s so the
real problem is when anybody tells you that they know
that’s when
it’s the problem game over game over game over man game
over man it’s fucking
fuck this man
you can’t tell me you know you know
no man you’re
not dead you’re not in heaven you’re not an
alien you’re not from the future
you don’t know shut the fuck up
you don’t know
fuck it all fuck religion fuck
fuck any ideologies
anybody telling you how you can live your life
you know what is good
when people offer advice
and people say this is what i’ve
learned from my mistakes and this is what i’ve
learned from my life
and this can possibly
benefit you if you come across the same situations
this is what i’ve learned
this has made my life easier this made my life better i
learned to be nicer to people i
learned to suck it up when this happens
i learned to look in the
mirror when you got problems i
learned to evaluate
and look at my own life objectively
before i start
pointing the finger to
other people
those are all
things that can help you
when you start talking
about you know you can’t
have pork and
all out this number
if a photo of muhammad
is available you must die
that guy keeps on getting threatened he’s
almost got killed
murdered the
other day which guy
the guy that
the cartoonist that drew muhammad
the other day he almost got
like it was like last week or something like that dude
people have been killed for that
people have been killed for drawing muhammad
why is trey parker and matt
stone not dead yet then did they draw muhammad
they had a whole episode
about muhammad
that’s a good question this guy just had a
stupid family
circus comic
when i went over to
abu dhabi i was thinking
i hope none of
these motherfuckers have a copy of
shiny happy
jihad i know
i was thinking that
too dude my fucking
see my last
cd not this one but the one before that was called
shiny happy jihad
they probably know that i have a copy of it
i’m gonna start giving them away
cause i just got a box of them right
dude your one cd is out of
print i still
think the idea
of this one
i had an idea he has this
old old cd dough
can’t do it
remix it no
remix it like
remix the bits into like
you know cause they’re all
lost bits yeah but they’re gone they
gotta go yeah that’s good
i need new shit
man gotta keep going
but this is
this was what i was
worried if you don’t not familiar with any of my comedy
it’s fucking
it’s called
shiny happy jihad
and it’s me
could you see that yeah it’s me
was the glare here
there we go
it’s me with fucking
tnt and it says g
on it i mean that’s
it’s probably one of my best cds i
think it’s my favorite
the last one is really good too the
last one’s a little headier this one’s a little sillier
i don’t know
it’s one of
my favorites but i was like god i hope none of
these motherfuckers have this
because like
half of the bits are
about suicide bombing
and fucking
making fun of osama bin laden
living in a cave i mean it’s a lot of
a lot of bang bang bang
she hugs there’s a lot of that in there
some guy remixed that jihad
and made a terrible song out of it i
still think you need to work on your new song that you
wrote in tempe i think that’s a great song
he has a song that’s in tempe
where was the arizona that was number one
all that song
yeah who do
yeah yeah well that song
yeah that song was really popular
voodoo pannanny
was like number one
for like yeah it was number one for like a couple of
months because these guys
tim and mark
in in phoenix
i love those guys yeah they
don’t work there anymore unfortunately they got fired
you probably don’t know them you’re
thinking of something else
no the ones that we filmed the original
dvd for like three years ago four years ago
was they there yeah i filmed something for it
well anyway these guys they
started playing it it’s this
song about pussy by voodoo pussy it’s called
voodoo punani
but you can play it on the radio
it’s pretty clean
it’s all about
any guy knows what this is all
about like there
are there are girl vaginas are not created equal
they’re just not
you know and
and sex is not
equal either you
you can have
sex with one person and it’s boring as fuck
and then you can have sex with another
chick and she’s just a goddamn freak and
every now and then you’ll come across a girl who’s a
freak and she’s got a
super pussy
and there are pussies that are
super pussies yeah
where you you get into
you like god damn
there was this one girl that i used to fuck and
literally her her
pussy was like it was like velvet
it was like something
going on in there it was like
it just gripped your dick it was and she wasn’t a
small girl she was tall
but her pussy was
super tight and always wet and it was
and she was a
just a total pervert
just a freak
and literally it was like a drug and
i used to call it voodoo
pussy i’m like this
bitch has got
voodoo pussy
so i had to
write a song
about voodoo pussy
so i wrote the song
voodoo punani
which is one my
nineteen ninety nine cd
which is called
i’m gonna be dead someday
so um you know
i thought about writing another song
i might write something else if i
found something
like the new one i thought
the new one is
new is pretty
funny i seen your girl butthole
we’re high one
night i just started singing that and it got
stuck in everybody’s head
and all night we’re just walking around going to
i seen your girl’s butthole
i can’t tell you what the subject why this came up
this is dude that we know was dating this girl
that does some things
where you might be able to see her butthole
like the whole world can see it
it’s funny so i like that guy he’s a
good guy he’s a good dude i like that dude
so you’ve been
using your hightab
what’s it called ipad a lot later yeah yeah yeah
definitely how was the battery life did you use it
phenomenal yeah
i used it the whole way i didn’t charge it once
i charged it
right before i left but i was reading like with it
every day like reading in bed and i
watch i was surfing the web on it
i was doing all sorts of shit on it man i have
a review i just did and i showed this new application
that lets you take your iphone and bluetooth
connects it to your ipad
it’s like a wireless webcam
i saw that and that’s just like a shitty
programming can you imagine if
apple releases
here’s my rumor what i
think it’s gonna be i just made this up last night
so they have
the new iphone that comes out in june they’re
going to announce
there’s all this
rumor saying it’s
going to have a
front facing
camera with i chat so you can do i chat live
video on your
phone so what i
think they’re waiting for that rumor
and they’re
going to release a bluetooth hd camera
that will snap on top of your i tab and do the same
thing so you can have like a little
wireless camera for it
why don’t they just have a camera
built inside of it we’ll have to pick some bluetooth
thing up that’s gay
because in the bluetooth
gonna run out of batteries and how’s it
gonna plug i’m
gonna have to charge it that’s
stupid well well there
should be an iphone
why can’t make a camera in there i
think they’re
gonna have i
think it’s gonna be like a 300
camera i think it’s
gonna be like 80
like high quality you’re just
making this up
oh no i am making this
all up this is
my room those
jesus this is my rumors
i was right
i think it’s
gonna go back in time
i think you can go back in time with a new
ipad and it’ll suck your dick
while you take a shit
well it’s awesome
that program
alone just kind of made me go you know what
something like this is coming that’s what’s
gonna happen eventually
eventually it’s
gonna be like
a portal to another dimension there’ll be a
mouth on the
other dimension you get a hard on
and you put the ipad
and your dick goes
right through the ipad to someone’s mouth
in another world
you not in another dimension
pull your ipad out
but some what if it
crashes halfway through your
dick is stuck in
fucking eleven
it just floating around
like you know
they have a special episode of oprah
winfrey guys who lost half
their dick into another dimension
maybe one do is like i only lost the tip
i was just about to put it in and we had a
power outage
was just about to put it in i
guess it was some sort of a
solar flare
so now i mean the
head the top my dick is flat it’s kind of a novelty
it just goes in like a beer can
he doesn’t have a head it
doesn’t have a
curve to it just big flat
yeah who knows what the fuck is coming up next man
there’s gonna be some
crazy shit though
it’s gonna it’s gonna keep going
they’re gonna keep inventing
more and more nutty shit and like i said before i
think that it’s all
it everything has to do with connectivity
everything has to do with
bringing people closer and closer together
that’s what this whole
tiger woods
thing is all
about that this
would not have happened 30 40 years ago
because there
wouldn’t be the kind of connectivity that people
have now with the internet the internet keeps extremely
worse man did you hear
what else just came out the
other day that
fucking oppa rimfree
oprah winfrey
yeah and jesse
james it’s just
gonna it’s just
jim carrey there was a good
whole article on this
whole thing
on gizmodo or gizmondo or whatever it’s called
commodo about celebrities
ruin their careers from twitter
and all that
stuff because
there’s too much information is getting out about
it and you know it’s crazy
that is a good
point because a lot of celebrities
really the illusion
is way better than who they are oh yeah you
know you get to know them
right you know
cause it is all a
trick you know
most of our
schwarzenegger is a
trick obviously well look you know how few
actors would ever want to do something like this fuck
yeah they did
like because look look at us there’s no makeup
we’re just fucking hanging out my office
look i’m a fucking
slob that’s on my shit
i’m cleaning out my office
this is my new desk is
behind me i bought this fucking desk a year ago and i
still have not set it up yet
desk and everything is on
right now it’s too big so this desk i’m getting rid of
i’m moving that desk into place
and that wall
is going to be
green screened
i like how you always buy
things and it’s always in plastic straw
like you have so many
things that you’ve
never even opened well i am what you
would be like if you were 12 years old and all of a
sudden you had
money yeah totally just gave you free
money you just buy
stupid shit
this i have this because
i think that
i think a lot of
things up in my car
and i don’t want to be fiddling around right time
push button i just want to push a button so i gotta
digital recorder
when i drive i come up do you
drive you come up with a lot of ideas when you
drive yeah yeah i do but you know what’s
funny is i we talked
about this last week to the
point where
i have to get my words out as
quick as possible
it happened to me like two days
after that i thought of this hilarious
thing about metallica people were talking
about metallica
i’m like oh
gotta get my iphone out
got my iphone out and somebody says hey
brian i’m like oh hey
fuck lost it
yep don’t even remember what it is i’ve been trying to
think about it all time it was so fucking
funny though i can’t even remember
yeah it’s when someone’s talking
to you and you have an idea you can totally lose it
like i’ll get
if an idea is awesome
i will cover my ears and run away from someone
and they’re like what the fuck is
wrong with you man you’re fucking rude
and then i have to come back explain to him i’m so
sorry i had an idea and it was
super important but for me
any idea like that is like
those are diamonds
right like there’s ideas that i’ve come up with
like you know that became bits you know that
those bits are so valuable to me
you know like like
like my anna nicole
smith bit or something like that like some of the
classic bits that i had in the past
what if as i was
thinking that up somebody came up and
started talking
about their
stupid bullshit right
because some people are
fucking brutal and they don’t take the hint right ever
like they just want to say what they have to say to you
you can’t say kill that
they’ll just keep talking
about hold on a
second dude stop
fuck i forgot fuck
you know what
i was watching the usc next to a guy
i just met was a friend of a friend
the whole fight he
sounded like a reporter from the 1920s talking to dick
tracy he was like so what do you
think about that huh
hey yeah so what do you
think about that so and
like he even talked like that he says
what do you
think about his legs huh i
think his legs are good huh
and i’m just like oh shut the fuck up
that’s the worst
i hate people like
i hate when people don’t have that that quality of
self evaluated
you know what i mean that just drives me
crazy when i
meet somebody that does that how important is that
uh it’s insane
we know a lot of people that don’t have that quality
yeah we know a lot
about people
most people don’t have that quality no
it’s a bad quality but
usually the people
it’s another
thing the people
don’t have that quality are usually not successful
and it’s one of the reasons why they’re not
successful is
there’s a disconnect
between them and
other people
other people do not see them the way
everybody else does
or them the
way rather they see themselves they see themselves like
completely distorted
and that’s why they
haven’t been successful
they’re not being objective because
objectivity requires pain
you know no one’s perfect okay
especially when you’re younger
if you’re not making mistakes
you’re not trying if you’re not trying you’re not
gonna get better at anything you do you’re
gonna fuck up you’re gonna make
horrible mistakes i mean
one of the reasons i got good at
stand up is because being bad at
stand up is so fucking painful
you know and the only way
you you got to find that out by getting in
front of people
and having them hate you
having them not
laugh and boom
well a lot of people don’t have an audience in
their life they don’t have anything to
evaluate themselves with
so they don’t
evaluate themselves
right so they
have this distorted perception of how cool they are
that’s with guys and drinking
that’s the most painful
the mouth drinking yeah
so drugs are the worst
and i’ve been
i admit it i’ve done it before
but i’ve also like the next day slapped my forehead
going okay next time i
drink i remember that i do that i need
you know i’ve
but there’s
some people it’s supposed to guys get really
close in your face
when they’re drunk oh
some dude did
that in abu dhabi he kept telling me that he was some
prince’s cousin
and broad this
and down and
man you come with me all the bitches man come on man
we’re gonna do business together you know
you and i gonna open up i like to get
the fuck away from me yeah you’re spitting in my ear
he’s like spitting
in my ear man
and tell me how we’re
gonna go into business together in dubai i’m like
get the fuck
out of here man no you’re not going into
business together
it’s called zanku chicken my mike
young used to do a joke
about that was one of my favorite mike young bits
about how everybody
who does coke wants to open up a business with you
because it’s totally true
when dudes do coke they always have business plans
they have all kinds of plans all kinds of plans
oh coke is the
worst drug in the
world it’s the
worst drug that’s ever been created
it is the number one retard drug
there’s no better
when you’re out and you’re surrounded by a
bunch of cokeheads and they’re just talking at you
the worst is
when you’re high and they’re coked up is there ever a
worse combination
now there’s no
worse combination than when you’re
stoned and you’re hanging around coke heads
because stone is like you’re
timid and you’re humble
you know when you
smoke pot you
start realizing like god i’m like this
fleshy little thing
you know like if there’s a lion in this room that lion
could just eat me there’s nothing i
could do about it
when you’re coked up you
never think
about a lion
right and if you do
you like the fucking lion to the line to suck my dick
great meth is the
worst to somebody
put meth on there also yeah i
agree with meth i wonder how many people yeah
robin williams was a coke addict
i wonder how many people
that i’ve been
around have been on meth and i didn’t know it
i bet a lot
we’re in la man
i think a lot half the people that we
think are fucking
crazy are just on meth yeah
a lot of people are methed up man that is
definitely true
a lot of people
that are like when you see people that are real
skinny and look
drawn out and they’re
fucking talking
wacky it’s something
what is it it’s some sort of amphetamines
whether it’s meth or
do you know that meth was invented during
world war one
and world war two the japanese used it for the
for suicide bombers
that’s how they talk to kamikazes into fucking crash
no way really into boats
yeah they would they
hook them up with meth nice
yeah that’s cool not only
the government has not only
with that i mean they’ve done the japanese government
gave them amphetamines
and crystal meth and shit like that
but also steroids
the united states government
has done that in the past like soldiers have told
been told that they have to take like certain
pills like you have to take things
and when you take them finance like
anabar which is
an oral steroid
makes you super
hyper aggressive
which totally makes sense yeah
and when guys are juiced up if guys are all juiced
up they’re fucking they feel like they’re invincible
your body is all
flooded with testosterone like gorillas must feel
completely invincible
you know when you
just fucking you know you’re living in the woods you’re
covered in hair you
weigh 800 pounds
they don’t worry
about shit they
could totally beat a
fighter by the way gorillas
versus a person oh
crush a person
no i mean a person
would beat a gorilla oh beat a gorilla
arguing with eddie
eddie was trying to make some
crazy argument that there’s
people that
could beat a chimp in a fight
i’m like you’re out of your
way what the fuck the chimp
would just bite your fingers off
that’s the first
thing he would do
now try fighting
stupid oh you’re
punching him in the head good
he’s grabbing
and eating your fingers
so once all of your fingers are gone
then he’s gonna look at you and go now what
bitch now i’m
gonna eat your asshole
and he’ll dive onto your asshole
and claws wait till he gets
close to your butthole
and you’ll be
fighting them off but he’s
gonna keep getting in there i thought
eddie was joking the
whole time but i don’t
think he was that’s
drunk eddie
drunk eddie’s
you know drunk eddie
drunk is he
drunk yeah he was
drunk yeah he’s
three drinks in
three drinks in is
drunk eddie
once he poured that jack daniels is
the lights went out in georgia
fucking drum
start playing the indian came out yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
so what brock
would destroy gorilla
could you imagine what a gorilla
would do to brock
lester you know
just come charging and bang
just run across them even brock
knows he can’t fucking beat a girl
you ever seen a gorilla rush a person
it’s so goddamn terrifying
they rush you and they hope that you’re just
gonna back off and get away they just want to
claim your territory
but if you do turn and run
they might just
freak out just
chase you and beat the fuck out of you
so you have to turn away
and yeah but you have to
stand down but you can’t look like prey
dude chimps chimps and gorillas and
they are so
strong we couldn’t even imagine
you couldn’t even wrap your head around what they
could do to you
they could literally
grab you by the arm and
throw you throw you
they would pull your arm literally
right off your body
there’s no problem a pit bull
could kill most people
fuck yeah dude
but i have frank that’s a pit bull that’s a dog
you remember
frank when i had
frank i always used to
think that if this dog wanted to he
could kill me right
you could kill anything
this fucking 90
pound pit bull with this big fire argent head
if he wanted to
he would kill me
you know he
doesn’t know that that’s why you know i have the food
that’s why i
like being around animals that can’t kill me
that i can only love
yeah like little kitty cats
little kitty cats
so what do you
think about the steven seagal
thing steven seagal
got arrested
or didn’t get arrested he’s getting sued
what’s a fun
story right here because what happened was
apparently he had some
chick that was working for him
and she was his
she was his
he’s sued for trafficking
women and sexual assault
women the woman was a former
model and she was hired by the actor as his
executive assistant last february
this is on tmz so you know it’s real
mr seagal had been keeping two
young female russian attendance
on staff who were available
for his sexual desires
twenty four
hours a day
seven days a week
so apparently
one of the assistance
quit and seagal
apparently only rolls with threesomes
so he made his
he made his assistant
starts off his deck
he’s like i need more than one
he had two hookers that were working for him
twenty four seven
and one of them probably met some rich dude somewhere
and got a better job the fuck is
cigar haven’t that much
money got a
tv show now
yeah but that’s not
shit he’s done a lot of oil
he’s making
money off that show
he means the star
i guarantee he makes a few
hundred thousand dollars a year for sure off that show
maybe half a million
maybe more because he’s a big star he
might make a million a year off that show they
might have given him a big deal he
might make more than a million a year
so he’s got that
okay then he’s got
how many movies did he do he did a lot of goddamn
movies he got divorced in nineteen ninety six
so everything from nineteen ninety six
until now it’s all his money
i bet he’s got a lot of
money i bet he’s got a
ton of money is money
doesn’t seem
smart with his
money seems like it’s been all his
money on ponytail juice
ponytail juice
ponytail juice
what does that even mean
conditioner how much is conditioner
he’s got good conditioner
he’s um i mean he’s he’s a
still a big star in
those like foreign
movies like straight to
video dvd sales because
you can still sell a steven seagal
movie you know you make it for cheap
money and you sell it fairly
cheap and then you know
they air it on cable at
three o’clock in the morning
and they sell them on dvds you know
there’s still some
money in that but
well when i said was out
when i was in
abu dhabi when you go to dubai
dubai’s flooded with hookers
there’s hookers there
with russian hookers
so apparently there’s a lot of them
so it’s not
outside the realm of possibility that some actor
we just hired two of them
like to be on call 24 7 right
i think it’s
mean look if that’s how you want to roll i
think that’s a pimp move
i mean the dude’s not even fucking married
right you can’t really criticize it
i mean you can criticize the fact that he’s uh
you know he’s hiring prostitutes
but let’s be honest
what the fuck is
you know a lot of rich guys wives
what are they
you know are they really attracted to him is i mean is
tiger woods wife is she really
think he’s hot
you know or
she think he’s hot
because he’s rich
you know how many of them
think he’s hot because he’s rich
how many super
goofy looking dudes that are
multi billionaires who have these
model wives he’s
super fucking hot
wives what’s
going on there
yeah you know donald
trump you ever see donald
trump’s wife
hot as fuck
yeah he’s a
powerful man of all that good
stuff and they’re attracted to that and security
and all that good stuff
but at the end of the day he’s rich
they’re hot he’s ugly what’s
going on there
i mean there’s a form of prostitution
it really is
i mean what’s the
sexual prostitution is
the whole difference is
that in sexual prostitution apparently
the idea is that it’s not good because there’s no love
there’s no real emotions no relationship
you know it’s just
sex for money
but like what if you like date a girl
and you actually
enjoy her company and you draw her time
and you like her
and you say listen
you have a shitty
job and i have a lot of
money how about you quit your job and i pay you
1 000 a week and this is what you
have to do you just have to suck my dick anytime i want
i mean you already like to do it anyway right
but let’s just make it sort of a job
okay and you’ll get a check
every week but i don’t want to hear any argument from i
think that would be cool for like a year
but i think
after that i don’t know man it’s just
i can see myself doing that if i had a lot of money but
women would
think that it’s demoralizing and it
would be the
exact opposite of
you know why pay for the cow when the milk is free it
would be the
exact opposite it
would be like look i know i’m getting free milk but i
would rather pay for the cow and have that fucking
cow give me milk anytime i want with no argument
right i don’t want to
get up at four in the morning go to milk you when you
start complaining
listen i’m gonna pay you right now
and this is what happens
our relationship now is we’re
still friends i
still love you we’re boyfriend
girlfriend but
i do whatever i want
and you suck my dick whenever i ask
i think is that prostitute
yeah is that illegal
yeah no it’s
is that illegal i
wouldn’t say it’s illegal but i
would say that’s not
but it is illegal
if you say it is it
is put on your tax forms i’m you know
brian reicles paid hooker
you you go to jail yeah it’s illegal
yeah say if you had a chick
you have to do it
right you know you
would have to
write it out yeah but i mean look
if you had a girl and she was a
multi millionaire and
say if you were a carpenter okay
and you know this is your you know
you you met her and you used to do some shit around her
house when you
first started dating her
and you know you do a little carpentry
here and there be did it for free because you loved her
and then all of a
sudden she said listen
you don’t like your job why don’t you just come for me
work for me you’ll be my carpenter
and you just do whatever i want to do whatever
you want but the only difference is now i pay you
what is the difference
between that and sucking your dick
there’s very very little difference
right if you have a chick
and she’s working for you
and she just
gets paid to blow you but she used to blow you for free
but now she blows you
cause it’s her job
cause you pay her
right is that bad
no especially if you make her letters yes it is
especially if you let
her make her
dress up in outfits no i’m not
gonna be a whore
for you you fucking cheap
you’re only
gonna be my only whore
i only have one it’s only you
and i don’t fuck any
other girl i
would hate i
would hate that i
would hate that
i would hate that what
would you hate
i you know cause i
think the the purpose
i don’t know my purpose is always finding somebody that
would wanna fuck me that much without any questions
asked and that i
would wanna fuck that person
i think this
chick likes my logic
eve pull she likes the logic
that’s a dude sexuality has been immoral
yeah it might be a dude
right yeah sexuality
has been a more or
less you know
i went to whack off last night
um it’s like
this hand yeah
it was like
two o’clock in the morning my wife is
super pregnant
right now and i can’t fuck her do it on her
belly i mean i do if she asks but i don’t i want to
impose myself on her i feel rude
i mean she’s all pregnant like she’s ready to pop
and so anyway
i’m making excuses for i beat off i beat off what are
you talking about
but that’s the reality of it i really do feel bad
anyway i go online to go
look at some porn and um
everything on one of my favorite sites is all fucking
spitting in the
mouth and gagging
and girls getting
their faces fucked with it like halfway
throwing up
and eight tears
yeah tears are coming out of their eyes
and the guy
smack it on the face with his dick
and he said you looked at
you like you
like fuck my face
fuck my face
he’s like fuck
like spit and slobber
she’s coughing and spits coming out
and i’m like okay i don’t like this
this is not fun
and then in the same
the same series like there was another
girl or the same girl rather you know they have like a
bunch of videos by this girl
the sasha gray who was the girl
another one
these guys are just violently fucking her ass
and then shoving it in her
mouth and violently fucking around
and i’m looking at this and i’m like what is going on
like who is liking all this
like mad dog
porn it’s like you got a mad dog bitches in porn there
nobody just fucks anymore
used to be you know a guy
orders a pizza
and the chick shows up delivering the
pizza and she needs to get
changed hate
that she drops a dollar and she picks it up
and the guy says nice the girl says you
think so we see the
whole thing
then she pulls her
pants down next
thing you know they’re boning
that’s the good old days that’s fun
that’s good times
what is this
mouth fucking
tears rolling down people’s face spitting in people’s
mouths two dicks and assholes like you
know what’s hilarious is that i’ve
never seen a porn website
where it’s just like
it’s people making love
like you know it’s like them
going on a date
you know just being passionate and
stuff like that yeah there’s no
kissing there’s
no teasing it’s all just fuck my ass oh yeah
one girl had two
guys fucking her asshole
one guy was on top he was squatting on top and the
other guy was laying on his back and his dick was in
and the other guy was in and
it’s like that joke that i say
about like you’re not even having sex with a
woman at that
point you just
using her vagina
as a container so that you
could rub dicks
that is really what they were doing they’re like
they’re two dicks
her butthole
was a holder
for dicks and they’re rubbing dicks
while they’re
plowing this girl’s asshole
i mean think
about two dicks even like two average
sized dicks
that’s stretching
your butthole out to like that big that’s ridiculous
who wants to see that
and then the
other guy spit in her
mouth and they’re fucking her
mouth i’m like
jesus weird
sasha gray gets
smacked in the face a lot to just smack
see i’m done
with all that kind of i just like
i like homemade
stuff i think we’ve talked
about yeah yeah you like
you like thinking
that that’s really you and this girl’s really blowing
you or it’s
just real like i want to see people having real sex
because they’re really attracted to each
other yeah they’re having real orgasms
they’re really moaning because they’re moaning
yeah there’s
definitely something to that man
paying for it
you know apparently
the porn business is
rough now because of the fact that all the shits online
it’s very difficult to like get
money for porn
so these girls get tricked
it’s just like you know how you hear
about the workers in dubai
where they enticed them
to come to dubai by saying you’re
gonna get all this money
they take them from indian
third world
countries and they
basically say you’re gonna make
x amount of dollars per
month you’ll be able to send
money back home to your family everybody’s
gonna be happy
we just you know just get come out here and you
gotta get a passport and pay for this and pay for that
so they do all this they get out there
and then once they get out there they take
their passport and they give them a fraction of the
money well what
these girls do is they recruit
these girls and say listen it’s just
gonna be you
and the guy you’ll get to pick the guy
it’ll be so hot no big deal no one’s
gonna see it we’ll pay you
1500 bucks and for a
chick who’s fucking
broke and desperate
and probably
you know not the best
thinker in the
world anyway
she’s not making the best decisions with her life
you know and some guy offers her
1500 bucks to fuck some cute guy she’s like whatever
alright i’ll do it fuck it who cares who’s gonna know
who’s gonna know
she figures i’m just
gonna go there
i’m gonna take care
i’m gonna keep them from repossessing my car
i’m gonna you know
pay my rent off
you know and i’ll have a couple hundred
bucks left over all
right let’s do it
so she gets there and there was a
whole series
about this on
television that
they made her do double anal
once she got there they said no we don’t
want regular sex like this is this is what happens
two guys have to fuck your asshole
and we’ll give you fifteen hundred bucks
otherwise we don’t have work for you all
right no condom
you know so she went up getting hiv
i yeah yeah yeah
so she does
one film she comes from like nebraska she does one film
they make her do double anal
two fucking pigs nut inside her asshole
who have probably fucked a hundred
chicks that day
you know that’s
crazy yeah and they give her hiv they’re probably
shooting heroin up in the bathroom together
sucking each
other’s cocks to get them hard
and they stuff it in her asshole
by the way i wanted to mention something you talked
about last week in your
secret podcast that
i wanted to tell you that no
brokeback mountain was a huge success
yeah i didn’t know that yeah
yeah i think as a comedy right
no no i mean
money wise yeah but as a comedy
oh yeah yeah i
think it was more i mean
no people enjoyed it
now people there was a lot of people it was sad
i’ll be honest at the end of
brokeback mountain when the guy
found out the
other guy was beaten to
death it was sad
i never saw it i would
never watch
that you won’t
watch that hmm
watch just watch it and
video put like little kittens
over the guys
faces they’re kissing
just like you always do
you know there’s some shit that i won’t
watch but i won’t
watch any more beheadings there’s a new behead
online we seen the new one
i watched it for a
second and they
started cutting the dude’s head off and i said all
right what the fuck am i doing why am i
watching this
i’m done with that yeah yeah
there’s no need to be
watching that
shit i never even
watched that iraq
shooting thing either
oh that’s really the
thing i wanted to talk
about is fake kung fu
yeah you need to
bring that and
watch that rack
shooting no you need to
bring that back though yeah
i need to write it out with what i need to do yeah
i don’t even remember how i did it i’ll just redo it
but the the iraq shooting
thing you didn’t
watch the i don’t have one
we was talking
about collateral murder
which is we talked
about this before it was a
they mistakenly thought that these
reporters and
civilians in
iraq were insurgents and they killed them it’s all
gun camera footage and it’s very disturbing
it’s disturbing
how much they’re into it
it’s disturbing how
easy it is to just
think that anybody’s your
enemy when you’re over there in the fucking
ward and the
chaos you know
it’s scary shit man
it’s scary shit that we’re there in the first
place but it’s really
scary shit to
think that people
could just be walking with cameras
and they mistake
those cameras for guns just from the sky
with apache
just fucking
light em up with 50 cannon
i’m done with
caliber guns
i’m done with that shit and anything that’s
based off three
minute in a baby
three guys in a hammer
any of india
is that what it’s
based on i don’t know
maybe two girls in a cup two
girls in a cup yeah you know
no you’re right man you know
the problem is the internet really
can not only desensitize you but really change your
world there’s
three hundred million fucking people
in this country that is an insane amount of people
and if you think
about like every
story that you hear
about some priest
who’s fucking kids
or some serial killer who’s
killing women or
they’re all horrible and terrible but the reality is
most people are pretty cool
there’s 300 million of us
there’s so much information that
literally you find out
every single fucking
story anytime that anything goes down
that’s never been the case
in the 1950s
you had to be ed gein
you had to be
you know wearing
women as fucking
dresses you
gotta be cutting them up and putting
their skin on
they had a font you
gotta make the
front fucking page
of the new york times like
every day for a week
for everyone
to know who you are and everyone to know your
story the ted
bundy case that’s another example the
night stalker
they couldn’t
catch this guy and they don’t know what he’s doing
the zodiac killer they
never caught him
those stories
that’s the only way
those stories became
here they had to be so catastrophically fucked up
but now we hear
about all of them we hear
about every two
teachers this week got arrested for fucking kids
two teachers two different
teachers both
pretty decent looking
chicks one of them was fucking a sixteen year old
wow she got arrested for a sixteen year old
how the fuck can you arrest a
chick for fucking a sixteen year old did you
nice it happened to me though you know when i was a kid
three of our
teachers had sex one was a guy and two were girls and
when i was in high school
my spanish teacher
fucked one of my friends
a female friend of mine
you know what the funniest
thing is i remember my science teacher
sixth grade
i had a book
underneath my desk i was reading the book
while she was teaching
and she goes
brian you have two heads only one can read
and i’m like
huh okay whatever that means
but now i look back at
him like oh my gosh he’s talking
about my dick head
i’m like i’m in sixth
grade what the fuck is that shit that’s
crazy miss singleton
columbus ohio
you fucking whore
what are you 12
how old were you then 12 6th
grade something like that 6th
grade is like 12
right miss singleton now
and then mr phillips you were my gym
teacher you fucked
half my friends really yeah and he got arrested the gym
teacher fucked half your friends yeah and then i saw
girls mostly boys
what and then i saw
moving closer
moving closer for those
and then what was
weird wait a
minute wait a
minute tell the
whole goddamn
story when you’re in
elementary what’s his name mr phillips and he’s in jail
no no check this out he
was everyone was always talking
about it in elementary
school like oh
don’t let mr phillips
you know get near you he fucked
so and so he fucked so and so before he even got caught
this was going on yeah
before and there was times
where like he
would come up behind you and
spanking on the button like oh you just got
cuts oh so he was fucking a
bunch of kids before we ever got we all knew
about it he
never got caught
how did he not get caught
i don’t know and then one day he got caught and then
there was like this one kid that we thought it
was like the one that squealed or something like that
and then he was just gone
was just gone
and it was so
weird it’s like
i don’t know like five years
later i was working at toys r
us and he came in with like a
whole family
and you just like wanted
to say hey you fucked my friends what’s up mr phillips
he came into toys r us yeah
with his family with his family kids and family and
i just wanted to be like
hey you know your husband
how did he not go to jail
i don’t know whatever happened like i
barely remember
seeing it in the
papers and stuff like that but he got
even if he went to jail he got out yeah
yeah and so he fucked how many kids do you
think i would say there was
three that i thought for sure
three that you thought for
sure i don’t want to say
but everybody talked
about it oh yeah
all of us knew
about it it was like a joke growing up even we
would like other
teachers knew like
the word like we call them mr
fill me up phillips you know
fill up yeah
oh no brookside
brookside elementary
school how old were you guys
elementary school i remember it was like
fifth grade
maybe sixth grade oh
so you like 11
10 something
like that your
teacher was fucking 10 year
old boys in the ass yeah
and then we had a
study hall monitor
oh my god then we had a study
hall monitor
named mrs hughes
that used to just fuck everybody too
but she was hot she was hot i was like
i was mad cause i
wouldn’t fuck her how old
was this middle
school was like eighth
grade seventh
grade and she was fucking eighth graders
yeah yeah and i remember i was pissed because
i was like jealous of the
other guys who i fucked her
i’m like i wanna fuck that girl
i’m like saving up my lunch
money you know and
stuff it’s really
funny how that works isn’t it you know like
before the internet man shit like that
would happen and nobody would hear about it
right you know it had to be like
they could fire the person
and stop the scandal before it ever hit the
school and no big deal
but nowadays
just throw it up in their face i can facebook
yo i got fucked in the ass by mr phillips
he’s a photo in
video oh yeah yeah you take fucking
video and photo while it’s happening if someone’s
crazy enough to let you you know for a teacher who’s
crazy enough to fuck you she’s crazy enough to film it
while she’s fucking you
right you know that bitch
crazy i’m 35
person asking
oh yeah that’s a
that’s a crazy goddamn story
i didn’t i never got molested by kid but i came to
close twice
on two separate occasions i almost got molested
one when i was eight years old i was at the library
and i still like monster books
i just like reading like dracula and frankenstein shit
and so i’m in this
library section and i’m reading all
these books i’m looking looking for these books
and this guy says do you like
books on monsters
and i said yeah that’s my favorite i’m like
fucking eight years old
right i don’t know that there’s bad people yet i
haven’t really figured that out right
and the guy says
i’ve got a bunch of monster books out in my car
oh no i said wow
really he goes yeah come on with me i’ll show you some
monster books i go
oh okay that’s why i hate
monsters right i
start leaving
i still love
monster movies man
i start leaving and
as i’m walking
out the door with this guy the fucking librarian
starts screaming
she goes joseph
joseph you get over
cause she knew me
cause i’d go to the library all the time
she’s like joseph get over here get over here
that man just got out of jail
and so the guy runs the guy what he
runs towards the gorge
because i’m
gonna call the police
and so i run
over to the library and i’m fucking crying and
freaking out
the crazy thing is
my mom doesn’t
even remember this really yeah my mom’s kind of a
and when it comes to that like my
childhood like i can’t believe she
doesn’t remember this i don’t remember that like
how the fuck do you not remember the most
horrific moment of my childhood
well i feel like if that librarian
wasn’t there at
that moment
if i didn’t have a relationship with her
where i talked to her
every time i was there she looked
after me because she was a nice lady
if that didn’t happen if there was
she was some absent
minded person or just wasn’t looking or didn’t know
and didn’t know who i was or who that guy was
i would have got fucked in the ass
for sure i might have got killed
i might have got killed
because if this guy just got out of jail
he’s probably
tired of tattletale and kids
and their bullshit you know
cause they probably
would have fucked me too
you know that company that has that thing that
old people wear to like help i fall
and i can’t
get up they
should make that for
kids like help i’m getting fucked and i can’t draw they
should but kids are fucking
liars man i’m getting fucked
right now i
dismissed you
you didn’t care about me
yeah that’s like
should be a teams and
yeah that should be attached like boy
scouts or something like boy
scouts will come rescue you and say police
boy scouts will fuck you
quick yeah buddy
they’d be the
first one on the
scene yeah nobody
let me see was he fucking you like this
what’s got some fucking just
because you lied
about it yeah
well yeah you you like dictionary
yeah maybe there
would be like a little camera and
microphone so that cock
would be like
oh you are getting fucked we’ll send somebody
right over no i think gps
tracking is a good idea
kids yeah but i mean that’s like the
slippery slope
the problem is you put a chip in your kids so you
could find out
where they are well they already have
those phones you know this yeah the phone
yeah they have
those yeah but phones is
big difference between
phones and a chip in your skin i mean like a dog like a
dog is a chip
right you know so i can
if he gets go i
think it’s only if he goes to the vet
if they pick them up at the
pound the pound
could scan them
and the chip has like a number to call yeah
but you know there’s people that want to put like gps
chips in their kids so they
could follow their kids
that’s the that’s retarded
it isn’t it
isn’t though man if your kids missing it’s not retarded
but the slippery
slope is who else is following you the
government anybody else
like helicopters
you always hear about
dudes who like attached gps to
their their
chicks car because they’re
stalking them oh yeah yeah next
yeah they follow them they follow them around
yeah i mean
you know it’s a
slippery slope
because the
connectivity is
it’s unavoidable that eventually there will be no
secrets i really
bleed and we’ve talked
about this before
i think that
eventually we’re
going to be able to read each
other’s minds
we’re going to be able to access all the information
in the whole
world not just on your
phone not just through a computer interface but
you’re gonna be able to
neurally access all this shit and that includes
other people’s thoughts
you’re gonna have to
share your thoughts into the wave
it sounds completely
ridiculous it
sounds like
total stoner talk
but i don’t
think it sounds nearly as
ridiculous as the
things we already have like the fucking
large hadron collider or cell phones or
the ability to talk to somebody on the
other side of the world
that’s just as
ridiculous to me i mean it’s all
ridiculous sending
pictures through the air
high speed video you can download
you know i mean i got wifi
i sit on my laptop i
could download like the ipad
you download a
movie in a couple minutes you can stream it
stream a movie live
what the fuck
you just go to netflix
pick a movie
and high definition
load it up it plays
there it is there’s the
movie you’re getting it from the ether
you’re getting a fucking full movie
you put your headphones on it’s in stereo
and you’re getting it from the sky
that’s insanity
and that is
just the beginning it’s
going to happen
if you look at the
trend the number one trend is
connectivity and
the instant access to information or the more
quicker access to information or
more access to information that’s the
trend it’s like
you know used to be libraries
and then you know then it was the internet
and now it’s the internet on your
phone and then what else is next what’s
gonna come next it’s
gonna be quicker
easier faster more information
like that search engine
where you can
just ask it questions and it comes up with the answer
what is that
search engine
called yeah bang
no there’s a new one
that they’re working on i’ll find it on here i got it i
saved it on
evernote but they called it the google killer
nah no it’s
gonna be the best
we are talking about
but the visual
search is i
think what’s
gonna be big visual
search yeah
where you just take a
picture of something and it will google
search what it is
everything about it you
know so like if you see like a
i don’t know if you see like a
tennis shoe on the ground you
could take a picture of it it’ll tell you what
model of tennis shoe
that is you know
where it’s sold how much it is you know yeah this is
yeah yeah no i think you’re right yeah that that
that wolfram
alpha is the new thing w o l
f r a m alpha
and what it is is this
thing that these guys have been putting together for a
while it’s not totally done yet
but the idea is that this is
gonna be able to answer any question you have
and that you know i mean that really is the future
that they’ll take the data the entire database
of science the entire database of archaeology history
everything else mathematics
and literally put it into
some sort of a
search engine
where you’ll be able to ask the question
you know what year was the first car invented
what year was the first combustion engine created
you know when did they figure out that you
could turn oil
you know from the
ground into gasoline how did they do it who was the guy
that shit’s all
gonna happen man
you’re gonna be able to get any
any answer to any question
you literally
never have to go to
school again
i can’t wait to the
part where i can go through my old
photos from when i was like five years old
hold it up to my webcam they go here’s
their facebook they now do this they look at this
because there are so many people that i
lost touch with
and i don’t know their name
babies what if it’s a baby oh you can totally do you’re
gonna totally be able to do that to totally just 100
how the baby grows up 100
10 years or less
100 yeah i think you’re probably right
wow what’s your fucking question this guy
ned carlsman
sia is a homo and needs to send his fans to space
with the other
monkeys all
right buddy
settle the fuck down
settle down you freak
what is this guy saying you hate mensia for
stealing jokes but you
stole that t rex joke hypocrite
i didn’t sell
steal shit t rex joke
someone said that there’s another guy was a joke
about t rex not being able
to jerk off
listen wow how obvious is this that he can’t jerk
off not the greatest
connection in the world
but when you have
small arms and you can’t grab your own dick
you know anybody could come up with that conclusion
but what i had it in is a whole
series of things
about masturbation how masturbation is evolutionary
and my joke was that’s why the
t rex didn’t evolve because he couldn’t jerk off
hundred percent my own okay
and there’s a
thing called parallel thinking
the difference between me and a guy like
man see or most comics and god
man see is most comics like david tell is famous for
he comes up with a joke he’ll call like a
bunch of people and say hey have you ever
heard this before have
you ever heard this before
because sometimes guys come up with jokes
and even though you came up with it on your own
you don’t know
whether or not anybody else has come up with it before
it’s very possible it’s called parallel
thinking but
the difference between
that and a guy like monsea or
robin williams or any of
these other
guys that have been accused doing it over and over
again is there so many fucking
pieces of evidence
so many times people have said it
so many people know
bits that they’ve ripped off and like with a guy like
robin williams
they used to have it set up
where there was special
lights when he
would come to the room people
would flash
lights to make sure that the comics
on stage knew that he was in the room
when i was in boston
at the catch rising star in cambridge
robin williams
came and i’d remember this because i was really raw
i was like an open mic i’d only been doing comedy like
not even a year
you got a piss
and robin williams
came into the club
and there was all these
comics that were like
big name boston comics
i think one of them was
you know what
i don’t want to say names because i’m just i’m just
guessing but there was a bunch of
boston headliners in the room and none of them
would go on
stage they wouldn’t go on
stage because they knew
that he was in there and that if they did a good bit
on that stage
and they were
local guys there were
local headliners but they were just local guys
and this is before the internet this is before anything
he would just go on the tonight show
the next night
do their bit and that bit was dead they could
never do it
again so it was a totally different era back then but
there’s parallel
thinking there’s
things that
i’ve thought of before there’s
things that
other people have thought
of before that i’ve already done like i’ve had friends
you know do a bit
and you know
there i know they didn’t
steal it from
me but i have to tell him like hey that’s on my
first album like
this the same
exact sort of
connection that you just made
bobby slaton and i who
bobby is a buddy of mine
but we both had a joke
i mean it’s the same connection
about blow jobs it was mine was on my 1999 cd
i don’t know when his was
but he said to me like wow we have like a similar joke
and the joke was
about blow jobs that blow jobs are a job
that’s why it implies like jerking off
see my joke was that jerking off
sounds like it’s no big deal
that’s like you just
you know you just quit at any
minute like what are you doing eh
i was just jerking off like no big deal you
wanna eat i’ll just stop
but a blow job
sounds like
there’s much more commitment like it’s a job like
it implies a work ethic
but that like jerking off
is way more
commitment involved in jerking off than blowjobs
because chicks will quit
blowjobs all the time girls will quit
their mouth gets
tired they don’t want to do it anymore
but no dude quits
while jerking off and
you know what i mean it’s true you
fucking finish that thing
i have had like a half hard dick
and be like holding my breath and
squeezing my
balls trying to do anything to figure out a way to just
get it over with
and then once
you’d come you just feel so goddamn pathetic
but there’s a lot of commitment involved in jerking off
for whatever
reason like that shit wants to get out of your body
but i never for a
second thought that bobby
stole the bit
and he didn’t
think that i
stole the bit it’s kind of obvious blow job
it’s not the most clever connection
between it being a job
you know i mean it’s
right there
to the fucking name
the problem with i have is like when
like that t rex
thing that’s just something that there’s a cartoon
online that i saw
after the fact that
like toy story they
they had jokes
about you know that i mean that’s
the dumbest it’s just obvious
my no it’s not
trolling it’s probably just stupid
or he’s just
young and he
doesn’t know
i mean it’s look you know people
people have questions
about the way
comedy works and whenever someone is so outspoken about
plagiarism like i have been and you have been
with that whole messia
thing you know
not like we set out
to do that not like we set out to be the guys that are
speaking up
against comedy plagiarism but
let me tell you how many fucking comedians were happy
that that happened
i mean i can’t
tell i just got a text message from christopher
titus today
titus is a friend of mine
just sent me a text today
and christopher is a very
funny comic
and he sent me
a text today
saying that
he says hey man you were on npr
today they played the
whole carlos thing
and had two lawyers on talking
about how convenience
protect our material
great job changing the
world keep the flow that’s awesome
i need to get a copy of that yeah
this is a comic show
and it’s not just him i mean
louis c k said the same
thing you know
brian post a
came up and hug me and said
thank god for you joe rogan i mean i can’t
talk glass came up to me and said it was the
greatest thing he’d ever seen his life like
i can’t tell you how many
comics have said this like
we had a real
problem for a long time and the real problem is
that these networks can make
money from guys
stealing if guys are good performers and they wind up
stealing people shit they can make a lot of
money and for
comics literally
it takes a long ass time to create a bit
like a bit like
my bit about the
tigers killing the kid at the zoo in
san francisco the one that made it onto my last special
that bit took a long time to get
right there was a lot of shit involved
it like it went back and forth it changed it
morphed it got bigger got smaller
it took a long time before
i came up with the version that got onto television
it was a lot of work
somebody could have easily come in
jacked my idea
jacked my premise jacked the
whole way i
structured it set it up
and just taken it for
their own and
literally it’s
stealing they put it on
television and now i can’t do it anymore
because now if i do it you
know like when menensei
steals stuff he
steals it like word for word
you know often times
so like these poor fucks like
their bits gone
it’s like it’s
they got stole
they got stolen
somebody took their shit
that’s been
a gigantic problem for us you know we didn’t set out
to be the ones to
to try to put a fork in that and stop it
but something had to happen
and it did and it just so happens that it was us
it’s just just
synchronicity just the way the
world works you know
but um i can
understand why someone
would want to like
scrutinize me
extra carefully because of that i mean it only makes
sense yeah put red band’s balls to your
mouth please
you know what that is
a fucking rude rude request dude
there’s this
comic named
brian jarvis i don’t know if you ever heard him
he has the best
thing joke ever what he
for some reason
comics all like to show
their dicks to each
other but he has this
thing where you’ll put his dick
coming out of the top of his
pants like right here so just his head
sticking out
and you’ll be like dude i fucking slammed my
belly button in my door look at it and you’re like
belly button door and you look at it and you’re like
whoa wait that’s your dick
that’s what dudes do all the time
i love that shit i mean i hate that shit but i love how
everyone’s comics are so committed to showing
their dicks
that’s hilarious
that’s hilarious
did george lopez steal a bit from
re no i don’t think he did i think the
thing that happened with the george lopez thing
was that it was a pretty obvious bit
the thing with the re bit
thing about the wall that’s a fucking obvious joke man
and these dudes who do like mexican material you know
and illegal alien material like lopez like his act is
very funny but
a lot of his latino
stuff and that’s the kind of
thing i mean he’s gonna think like that
george has never been accused of being a
thief before that not that i’m aware of
but he’s not a thief
that’s just an obvious joke there was like five
comics that did that joke but the monsea
thing mensia
not only did ari open for him
and do that bit and
he saw it and commented on how he thought it was funny
but that dumb fuck
did the same mannerisms that are
yeah like when
the whole excuse me
that’s how are
he does it and he’s so dumb he does it the
exact same way
in our video he even like said
he never opened up for me and then like
three seconds
later he what
what oh you forgot he was
he just lies throughout that
whole video
he lies about
everything he
still sometimes
says he’s mexican why are we talking about mscf
yeah there’s no need
to talk about it
poor guy but some poor guy
but some people
still get uh
still get caught up in it you know look there’s
there is there’s always
gonna be retards
there’s always
gonna be dumb fucking always
gonna be joke these
there’s always gonna be
everything man there’s
there’s always there’s always
gonna be people who
enjoy stupid shit
there’s always
gonna be people who i
think mancy
is hilarious and i suck that’s that’s all good man it’s
a fucking big
world you know
like what you like
who gives a fuck son
well you know what we’re at five minutes and 13
seconds which means we just
ate through two
hours so that’s
more than enough yes
it’s more than enough
look there’s all this comedy
stuff you know
go go listen you
want to hear some instead of all this negative stuff
carlos monsieur rules that’s what
he rules your
mother this is
this is what i
think there’s
great comics
right now this is like one of the best times ever for
stand up comedy
there’s so many good guys
there’s bill burr who’s a hilarious
comic if you
never heard his
stuff before i did that kevin bean
april foolish in the show with him
a couple weekends ago
fucking dude is fantastic he’s hilarious
there’s pat naswalt who’s one of my favorites
he’s goddamn hilarious all of his cds are
great just an awesome writer stan hope
of course you know he’s a
classic and
nor shit jim norton
hilarious louis
ck of course there’s so many good
comics now now
instead of thinking positive
instead of thinking negative
about guys of
steel and bullshit and the problems with this and that
the positive
thing is there’s
so much good comedy now there’s so many good comedians
and if you like my shit
my new thing just came out you can get it it’s talking
monkeys in space it’s on itunes
you can get it on dvd
joe rogan net
it’s on all the joe rogan
net has all the links and it’s
on amazon and it’s number two on itunes comedy bitch
get my ass kicked by
robin williams but
the point is this good stuff down
that’s what’s important positive not not negative
you fucking faggots
all right thank you very much for
tuning in we had a good time
i hope we answered all your questions
i love you to your rule too you
crazy bitch
and all good
thanks and we’ll
see you next week as the weekly podcast
keeps rolling on