record start broadcast
live are we on the air yes
ladies and gentlemen
i’m trying to
figure out how we’re on the air because i’m
looking there we go bitches
what is this week 10 or some shit
how many weeks have we been doing
that’s 11 11
new year i left
it’s so funny because
after going through all the old podcasts
every beginning of
every single podcast i’m like mute your laptop
you think i would know that from
tuning into art bell
yeah the art bill
please turn off your radio right it was
o and a too
people always
call out they get that feedback to themselves
well they’re listening to themselves
and then their
aunt so it’s like a nonsense conversation
they want to hear themselves on the radio this whole
time just be in the moment
record it with my cell phone turn up that radio
this is very different
but yeah i guess we want to hear ourselves broadcast
so we got a show this weekend at the tempe improv
almost sold out so
here yeah saturday
night sold out already
there’s only a few tickets left for the late show
friday night is
on its way and friday
night once we get in and
depressed so
if you want to come in
you want to see the show
hurry up hurry
temp is always fun
because our
fears and dead
punch and they
and they let us
drink now too
dead punch is a pool term yeah i remember it took me a
second dead stroke
that’s a hanger
pool terminology
in the zone
do you guys keep doing this to each
other no it just
started by itself unmuted
on both ears
oh you know
the computer
i got it on both
things i got it on this you
stream window too and
brian is redoing my website and doing so
it’s fucking master genius
self he’s put the you
stream actually on
joe rogan dot net so if you go to the web page
there’s a there’s a little
corner link that says live webcam so you can see it
right from there
it’s gonna get
better it’s
gonna get better
and it’s on itunes now too
you can find
official joe rogan podcast
or is just a joe rogan
podcast it’s called the joe rogan podcast and
itunes yeah so you can get that shit
or if you have zoom
you could go to your website and download the
mp3s yeah if you
want to zoom dudes
just hates apple so much
you had to get one of the goofiest fucking devices ever
unless it does anything
better there’s no need for another one you know
to the microsoft version of the ipod
and the people that
prefer it you can
tell they’re like
super windows heads
people that just love windows
cause that’s mad denial
especially the old zoom do you remember ever
using that where it’s like a fake
spin wheels like it pushed it down it
clicked it clicked up and down
it was retarded
i guess the new ones not bad
i guess they probably couldn’t use the technology
right didn’t you say that apple is
assuming people
for the technology that in
their iphone yeah
android devices and
sprint devices they’re all fucked
right now because they own
or apple owns like 20 of the patents that all
these new cell
phones are using that’s why you have a phone like
the android or the droid
you’re like wow it has
pinched to zoom just like the iphone well yeah
apple owns all
these patents
android might be hurting
android even palm
might be hurting because
their new phones are all really just pretty much
stealing of apple’s
shit wow that
would be nuts
the only one that’s not in trouble
right now i
guess is the new windows 7 phone
why what’s that
they don’t use the patents they
haven’t they
were really
smart not to use any patents they have
their own shitload of patents
no the problem is pinch the
zoom there’s no better way to do it there really isn’t
no there has to be
i’m sure there
could be like a way that you can make like
circle to zoom
you know and it’s squared
exactly the same
circle come on man
you want to be able to pinch it
yeah but what if you wanted to zoom
out in part
just put a little circle around
mmm not good
enough zoom out
no no no i want to do this
yeah but if i told you
five years ago i was like no you
go like one size
know that i can do that
right it’s like when you have
water in your ear and the
water gets out of here and you’re like
oh now i can hear like you accepted the way your ear
was working when the
water was in there
you’re just like
i’m okay with it yeah
i can deal with this but to people that
still aren’t on the internet they’re like
nah i’ll just make do mail’s fine
there’s a fucking awesome documentary on vbs tv
about this dude who lives in the arctic
he’s one of the last people that’s allowed to live
in the arctic and he lives like way the fuck up in the
northeast part of alaska
like there’s no one within like hundreds of
miles ham he
doesn’t have a car he
gets electricity from a generator
and he fucking
shoots all his own meat
kills all his own
rabbits kills all his own caribou
has to protect his
cabin little tiny ass
cabin like the size of like a bedroom
has to protect his
cabin from wolves
like it’s far
away from bears rather
bears come to the
cabin because he hangs his meat outside
because it’s
never cold they don’t have a refrigerator
they don’t have anything
so he hangs his fucking meat outside
and bears occasionally
will come into the camp and
smell it so he’s got this dog that he
leaves out that’s supposed to protect the
cabin and bark
so then he comes out as to
chase the bear down with a fucking shotgun
and he’s doing this in the
night time it’s
night and he can’t see
and he’s chasing down this fucking bear and
shooting at it it is nuts
like this guy is
living in the extreme
i mean as close i mean that’s sort of civilized
yeah he can get to
civilization i
guess yeah i
mean he’s not in it
he’s got a television
he’s got a generator he can get electricity
watches dvds and he gets
shipped to him
he still has not seen
even an image
of the 9 11
towers falling really no he
heard about it on the radio
thought it was
crazy but he lives up there just him
and his fucking wife man it’s not how hot is his wife
not she’s not
russell peters is
watching us
right now russell
peters up in this
bitch russell
peters is the man he’s one of the nicest guys ever
how nice is russell
peters but he’s indian
and you have to deal with that
you can’t just let it go it’s there we’re all thinking
about it no
no what so rude
he’s faking that
you see the
other day russell
was hanging out with somebody cool
like i forget that the old hip hop rap guy from the
eighties as like it takes two
is marquis no something like
that you know he
was hanging out with him the
other day like
dj quit dj rock
forget but i was like man that’s so awesome someone in
reverse knows what is the answer to that question
ladies and gentlemen
you know bitches yeah that’s right based that’s right
yeah even says it in the song
now i’m screwed because i don’t even know that
doesn’t fucking savage oh
it sounds like that right guy
no well it doesn’t matter who cares we’re just talking
about how you remember
third base that old record third base yeah the
white guy yeah what happened to those guys i don’t know
i love them i had two albums
that’s face they have two albums yeah
well that was
the dj what the fuck is his name the white dude
it was good prime minister pete nice
that was one right pete nice and was the other one and
gers i don’t know
what was his name dj google
no i’m having it
nice and fuck
come on folks rob base
rob base i think
no no no no bases the other dude this is
now i’m just confused didn’t he
the one had mtv show which one had the mtv show
that’s good was that p nice or was that
i know this dude yeah
well the next
white rapper no the next white rapper this
guy just wrote dj boom boom you’re just making shit up
dj i’ll know the answer when i hear it dj sniffles man
dj sniffle who are the third base is the band yeah
and there was the white guy with glasses they’re both
white guy but the big guy right
prime minister pretty nice
and so and so what was it
anyway the other guy who the fuck is it
it’s not dj easy rock you fuck no richie rich no mc
search nc search
isn’t that amazing how your brain just
blows up immediately why was it said why is it so hard
i don’t know
dumb information it’s like
but then once that in
for it’s weird when a memory gets awakened
when you didn’t
think the memory was in your head at all
and then someone
breaks it up and all sudden like rebirth
reblooms comes back to life like someone talks
about you totally know it
yeah some shit that happened like when you were a kid
and you’re like oh yeah
what the fuck i forgot
about that and all of a sudden boom and what’s
weird is when that happens that opens up a lot of
these little
memories that just because you remembered that one
thing then you’ll
start remembering like oh and i remember i
used to listen to that guy at the grocery store
bishop desmond tutu gets the gas face
i don’t know how much i don’t know how
that was in there
the search was good man i’d like that guy’s flow
but it seemed like people
would like pick on because he was white
was like yeah
and then he became like a producer instead of a rapper
which i think was a huge mistake
because i think
as a rapper he was really badass he was fucking good
like i used to love his
stuff but i felt like he was almost
sort of like
doing it but sort of apologizing at the same
time or something
stopped doing it
that guy should have
never stopped rapping that guy was fucking good
the idea that he went on to produce some records
i’m sure he produced some good a lot
of people do that though too
yeah move out and
stop liking to perform i can
appreciate that but i
think with him
that guy was
really fucking good i really really used to
enjoy his shit
gonna illegally down both
those albums tonight i’m
gonna download them for fuck i’m
gonna pay i’m
gonna go to itunes i don’t give
a fuck new gorillas
album came out today
yeah did you say you didn’t like it
i don’t like the single
that first thing was not that great yeah
all i know is that one song that they did
for a couple
i know but i mean if i like i gotta find one
anyway mc search
please come back yeah that’s what we’re trying to say
come on man ain’t too late
just fucking
dust off that hat and fucking let’s do this son
just step up and spit
i like i like rap music man
i mean i joke
about it in my act but i really do man it’s fun
i love that you know that you’re talking shit
i like listening to people talk shit i love that song
that hip hop
is dead backwards
that’s my landing no that’s a
great one too like that one
nas is a great writer
but hip hop is dead that’s my landing music
is i rotate between
three songs
hip hop is dead
tori a most crucify
and what really yeah and voodoo
child question
what do you mean by landing music
when i land
soon as i put my fucking land my
touchdown coming to a new city
okay even coming question
why the stewardess
let you have your earphones on during landing
first class i let you fuck
yeah but i knew it that’s totally true i always
leave them on they
never bother
me on my first
class but on the
back like take it off yeah they’re nazis in the back
you can’t totally
get away with it but you can kind of play dumb
like what oh okay take it off uh
huh i mean i
never don’t take it off when they tell me to take
it off i take it
off you have to tell me
i’m not gonna take it off on my own
the rate and if you’re
sleeping they’ll
never wake you up
i will fake sleep
i’ll make sure that my seat is up
so you know
for that but you know i’m
gonna do this shit
right here and
should just let me go please i’m nice
it’s no one’s gonna
crash because
my fucking head why do they make it turn off because of
radio waves no it’s not a radio wave
it’s not to
be dick i mean lecture
they want you to turn off
everything they want you to turn off gameboys
they say turn for laptop
too but it’s like it’s on
yeah i know
it’s it’s nonsense it’s nonsense
the idea is some sort of electrical
interference but i
think really the good idea to it is that
it forces people to comply
and and that’s the same
thing with putting the seat up you ever
think brebin
thinks it’s ridiculous
and i used to
think it was
ridiculous to
force people
to put their seat up but now i
think it’s important because
you got to get them to fucking listen to you well
it’s very important
if they do get into a tough
they don’t want you to like lean back
you know if you’re
gonna get hurt you’re
gonna get hurt you know anything that’s
gonna hurt you it’s not
gonna hurt you
any less cause
you like this then you are like this i mean you’re
gonna get jacked
i guess maybe no i can’t i can’t see how
even in the most furious
turbulence it
would make a difference
that you’re fucked either
way if you’re fucked you’re fucked you’re in a goddamn
metal tube flying through the air
you know i think the good thing
about it is that they get you to comply and i
think you know i don’t want anybody to tell me what
to do and you don’t want anybody to tell you what to do
yeah but let’s be honest we’re not
gonna do anything fucking crazy
you know there’s a lot
of people out there that need to be told what to do i
see somebody didn’t tell me
like during the landing i’m just
gonna go to
the bathroom when i fucking fly all over the
place yeah i
think people um
there’s a certain
amount of people you know there’s just too many of us
we need very
clearly established rules
even if they’re ridiculous
even if it’s just like it
sounds like i’m
a conservative
but it does
not just an
expert retards
you know i just know that
just so many fucking
dummies out there
it’s very important to have a certain amount of
order to the
world because
even though
you don’t want that order
you’ve worked
really hard to put yourself into a position
where you don’t have to have that order
you know i mean look at the life you
chose you went from
like a very obvious you know
you know like
regular normal person’s life to being this
crazy fucking comedian
where you know you make your living
talking shit on stage
and you know you
sleep till noon
and i mean that
right that right there is
most people
would never be able to
figure out a
way that’s just too tricky
it’s too fucked up
you know like most dumb people
would never be able to figure out a way to
slip through some
weird path to make a career doing by the way if
you’re watching your work right now
we’re not talking
about you no
yeah let me see
well you know nobody really wants to work
unless you love
what you doing and then it’s not work anymore yeah
then that’s really the
secret to life
and then everybody loves something else man
i mean there’s
a reason why there’s lawyers there’s a reason why
there’s a lot of dudes who love being fucking dentists
man there’s a lot of dudes who love being carpenters
everybody’s got their own
thing whatever the fuck it is
yeah as long as you find it then it’s not really work
you know and
until then it’s
gonna suck i
still get surprised sometimes on the road
and like you
check like oh yeah
yeah yeah okay
yeah i know it’s like
cause we do it so
often for free
you know especially in la
how many how
often do you do sets for free always
that’s when i
start whenever people ask me like hey do you want like
feature for the
third show or something or whatever i’m always like
i’ve said no before and then it’s like yeah let
me can i do a guess what
you know once
i get there so it’s like you just put me on the lineup
yeah wayne 50
bucks and you hear the
laughter you just want to go up yeah
australia the the
the flight fucks you up man because
it’s like a sixteen hour yeah times on like crazy
yeah and it’s like nineteen hours
ahead so it’s like
literally you’re the next day you don’t know
it so i was like really delusional like i didn’t know
but as soon as i got to the club i saw the people who
it’s like you can then you just
sparks it up you know it’s
crazy it’s like man we’re
gonna do a fucking show we’re
gonna have some fun
you know it’s like you just fire up you just
you just get what new people
man i wish people in
their regular jobs
could feel what we feel when you’re killing you know
i can’t usually
sleep for a couple
hours afterwards too man i’m
tired before i go on it’s like
wired afterwards
especially when you got a new bit
if you have
a new bit the new bit is killing then it just takes
everything up to the next level
you know it’s
crazy comedy is so much fucking fun
you seen alice in wonderland yet no
i’ve heard very
mixed reviews
i am going to
watch it at universal city walk on mushrooms
when we get back from tempe
arizona this
sounds like the
worst year it’s
gonna be so good there in 3d imax
dude have you not
disregarded no
law right have you not had a bad trip before
no that’s why
jesus that’s
gonna be your
first bad trip
well here’s what i think
about bad trips and i
think for sure you could
definitely take
too much of anything and have a bad trip no matter what
your state of mind is
right you know i’ve had bad trips on pot
i’ve never had bad trips in anything else but pot
but i’ve had bad trips eating pot
i think it’s a
state of mind i
think it’s how you approach it i
think it’s where you’re at when you take it
if you’re in a good
place you’re in
i mean last time i did shrooms i
started shitting and having diarrhea
and no that changes
everything as you think you’re dying
food poisoning mushrooms
yeah at least somebody get into an accident across the
street from you and you’re like no
it’s all going bad are you doing that
psychedelia show next time sure if i can when is it
i think it’s a good show
april 18th if you haven’t seen it or heard about it
ra shafir is doing if you live in la
he’s doing this
psychedelic show and he did it 15
15 was the last eight last night was in february
you got some clips on your website
right yeah don’t look at it yet i gotta make it better
well this so the idea of the show is
most comedians that we know at
least the most funny ones
have had a few psychedelic experiences and
a lot of them had really funny stories to go with them
and so they’re all talking about it
you know in front of a
crowd it should be kind of cool yeah there’s just fun
story my problem is anything interesting i’ve ever
learned i’ve already told
like a hundred fucking times right
you know i mean
i was gonna ask that’s why we have to do a new drug
experience for you
peyote and tempe this weekend
that’s the place to do it
right right
we’ll find some coyote
spirits in us and shit peyote
yeah some guy dylan brody told a peyote story
they always supposed to be incredible
synthetic payout the funniest spirit
so my friend
matt was in new york and he took it and he said he
could hear people talking in a building
like across the street
way over there
i said there’s a
glass window and he goes i can hear them talking
meanwhile it’s probably just like a cell
phone going off
i mean i think
i think there’s
ways we can perceive things
other than the
standard way we’re not
drunk i can hear
things further away but like i can
center it like at a bar
where i can normally
hear nothing i can center on one person talking
really yeah i don’t know why when you’re drunk
yeah but people around it’s all
then i just
see them and i hear what they’re saying so you
think it’s you like your
liver i don’t
know what i
don’t know your
liver does it
who knows man
your liver is what makes
wheat so fucked up
when you eat it
that’s when
it produces that shit it’s called 11 hydroxy metabolite
apparently it’s it’s
it’s it’s present in smoking it when you
smoke is present
but it’s not like a psychoactive levels
but when you eat it
it’s processed by
your body and it produces this fucking insane chemical
that’s like four times more psychoactive than thc
that’s why when you eat pot
so like whoa
those brownies
that were cookies
gave us in chicago holy shit
even fucking joey
diaz freaked out on them
joey dia said he had a mile far
that was the
first time well no it wasn’t but it was the
first time i realized
we’re all still high the next day
and you wake up you’re just kind of like
shuffling your feet feel sort of
weird like you’re still tired
until it hits you
but you’re too high to
think it out so you’re like
i was so high
i reevaluated my entire life that night
i really did
i made some life changing decisions that night
i was so fucking gone i
literally mean
it was very very similar to taking mushrooms
very similar
just just as intense
and just going to a different
place it was like wow this is strong
you know how i knew it was really really really strong
is when i laid in the bed and i closed my eyes and the
fucking hallucinations were insane
it was all yeah it was all
these like these cartoon characters
fucking each other
and becoming different
things and fucking each
other and becoming different
things and fucking each
other and becoming different
things it was insane and they were like
the cartoon
characters were like a glowing almost like a neon
they had like a glowing neon quality to them
like they look like someone drew them
but then there was like a glowing neon
like center to them
it was fucking
insane it went on for like a half an hour
i was like holy shit
this is just from eating weed
last time i
ate mushrooms
when i was getting sick and
stuff then i resorted to bed
and it was weird because i went into
stages of course i was shaking really fast
then i went into like a sweaty
and then i got into
a thing that felt like i was
going inside out or something
and it was like
seven things
but it was in a
cycle like it
kept on doing like i’m like alright next is coming to
shake right oh yeah
here comes the shake and
stuff like that and then i was like oh wait it’s like
seasons of the
earth man and
then i was like
how many did you go through
probably about
150 of those
things in each
yeah i mean that’s how bad my last mushroom trip was
and it was like
it was sick
mixed with thinking i was some kind of
season how much did you take
about an eighth or half an eighth 75
of an eighth or something like that
wow what is an eighth how many how many
it’s like it’s usually people do half
and then maybe
maybe i’d say
three point
five four six or something
right they say the real big dose is like five five
grams five grams see i
some you talk to the
some people and they’re just like no dude you got smoke
seven joints kind of
people think that
to get the most out of pot really the way
to really do it
right is to not
smoke pot for a long time
and then blow it the fuck
out just get high as a kite and then you have i haven’t
spoke for the last couple days and i
but have you
heard of people
like taking a month off
have you ever
talked to those guys that like
i don’t trip on one hit of ass that trip on
ten man yeah well there are definitely some
i don’t know man but don’t you
think that we all have different
chemical structures to our bodies
yeah but it’s like they’re all
variant i bet you they didn’t even try the one dose
thing they’re just like no i like to eat
five pizzas man
straight into it
have you ever met a dude who just can’t drink
i knew especially back in boston i knew a lot of guys
that they would drink
and then all of a sudden
i mean one drink and they were gonesville
they just didn’t exist
a girl i went out with once
one drink she would go one drink in
and then all of a sudden she’d be
throwing glasses and
shit and swearing
to people that’s the same way that somebody can
completely handle
it it was nuts it was nuts i mean it’s one fucking
drink and she
would be gone one
one drink it was like she
was allergic to alcohol or something it was something
weird and she was
completely crazy
there’s one girl i knew that
a jewish girl that she’s friends on facebook she
might be watching so i won’t say her name but
first time she
smokes we don’t say her
fucking religion man huh
also jewish
because i want you guys to at
least have a chance to find out who she is
she smoked weed at my
house she’s like i’m not good with weed whatever
she smoked one bong hit she stood up
ran full speed into my bathroom
hit the bathtub and just flew in the bathtub and
smashed her face in the bathtub
and i’m like
what you think
she just i just had to run oh my
that was like one hit
that in the did i’m like holy shit there’s something
weird in her
whatever dna that snapped immediately
you know we also don’t realize how
strong as fucking weed is
we don’t realize
this is ohio shit
really yeah this is an ohio
wow she’s just a freak
how bad was ohio’s weed compared to
california oh is mexican brick weed
where it’s compressed
where at least you’re like this
i don’t have much weed left but that one
break you’re just like pulling out
that was a long
time ago right
maybe it’s gotten better
and if i got
it from california yeah i’m sure it was
a good arrest that’s
also broker back then so it’s probably always existed
it’s you know the people that get
arrested for like drugs why is it there always speeding
you have a light sentence in your car
why are you just
doing something
stupid like they’re always talking on the
phone without
using a headset
or and they
get pulled over for that and also on the cops like
right why do i
smell weed you know and then
you pop the
trunk and he’s got a fucking giant
brick of weed in the back
right or you’re
parked on the side of the road with your door open
and a girl sitting on your lap
and you’re like okay
why do you have a gun in the back seat of your car if
yeah why are you so nervous why are you
sweating what is it
about these fucking
trucks that get busted
and they have like
100 million dollars
worth of weed and
like giant fucking semis like how
crazy is that
that’s like a gamble let’s take a chance okay
how many of you think of
those get through
i bet they lost they must get through i bet
90 of them get through they busted
one of them in arizona because the guy had a ups truck
it was a ups
truck stolen
no it wasn’t real
it was a forged a fake ups
truck they made a ups
truck with fake numbers
we just took the numbers from one of the
other ups trucks they
wrote it down
they recreated a fucking
ukeleans truck yeah brilliant
and why did they
deliver because the cops ran the fucking number
that was on they were
speeding or doing something
the cops ran the number that was on it
and it turns out it
was it was the
wrong truck was
like no we’re in michigan match
didn’t match
for whatever reason so they decided
to pull him over so they pull this guy over he’s
got a giant fucking
truckload of weed
i mean they
just decided to pretend that they were delivering
for ups they
figured nobody
would check it
they probably
got away with a fuckload of times yeah you
know and then one guy just got a little careless and
started driving
fast and he got busted you always get complacent
you get away with it
sometimes you get
totally normal and you feel like
i’m not gonna get caught
yeah you know
i mean that’s what
and that becomes part of the thrill
of it too i think for
people there’s a lot of people that are addicted to
crime and they think that
crime like selling weed or doing anything illegal
where you you know
you don’t really even pay
taxes on it there’s a fucking
a wild outlaw thrill to that shit
you know some people love living like that but
those motherfuckers you can’t be around them they’re
gonna blow up
like that shit is not
gonna last like you’re not playing by society’s rules
when you’re running around
selling drugs i like to get drugs and i
think it’s awesome that you’re doing that
i don’t wanna be around you
cause you’re the guy who’s making his life
off of selling
you know if you’re making your life off selling cocaine
like you might be fucking
crazy yeah you know you
might just be
a reckless wild
motherfucker that’s a dangerous thing i
mean how many people get rich and retire off of cocaine
i don’t know any
none went to ourselves there’s a few
there’s a few that you hear
about in cocaine cowboys
really griselda she’s she’s
still alive
cocaine cowboys to the she got out like retired got
out they shipped her to bogota
she killed like two hundred people
oh really yeah she made hundreds
of millions of dollars she was like the to kill
two hundred people
in overdose
they’re like directly
responsible for like like two hundred people
dying offer coke
rob what are you doing
somebody asked what i was
drinking i was
putting it up to them like oh
weirdos it’s good it tastes like a beer almost
it’s complete shot i thought it was a beer
that would be
micro brew i
guess not weird no really be that weird
anyway this griselda
chick still alive
they took pictures of her in bogota
columbia so she got out of jail they
deported her
and now she’s fucking running around columbia man
and she’s rich as fuck
she’s like incredibly incredibly rich and ruthless
cocaine cowboys is fucking incredible i thought
oh my god you have to
watch it it’s one of the
greatest documentaries ever and then cocaine cowboys 2
is even better
cocaine cowboys too
is just fucking nuts man
i mean it tells you it just shows you how nutty
miami was in the nineteen
eighties when cocaine
was coming through there
i mean it just
changed the fucking face of the city
that city was
built on cocaine
the cops there were so many corrupt cops that one year
the entire graduating um
group in the police academy the entire
graduating group
all of them
either wound up dead
or locked up in jail
really yep all of them
i hate miami so much oh my god it’s so
crazy and that’s why it’s the coke
it’s the coke
it’s a cocaine
flavored city
there’s a lot of cool people in
miami man i
had a show there recently i did the lincoln theater
it was fucking awesome man it was really awesome
everybody was
super cool the show was nice
but fuck man that improv
is the worst improv
the worst comedy club i’ve ever been to ever
that miami improv
made me stop
going to miami yeah it was so bad
they would just yell out shit nobody give a fuck
it was just like
thirty tables just
screaming and we’re talking you shut up what
giant room full of coke heads
i mean just a room full of coke heads we’re not even
lying about this like if
we had two hundred people in the
crowd how many people do you
think were coke heads
if we had how many
two hundred
i’d say 80 i’d say 80 were on coke
80 wrong yeah another
40 doesn’t have any on them that’s not bullshit
and the 40 that didn’t have it on them they
might get shitty because they’re coming down yeah
i mean really it was
fucking right
that place was
crazy and cuban
cooked up and that
place is one of the one
places where i’ve never
heard a headliner get more sabotaged
when they decided to put
kevin meanie up
after joey diaz
you’re talking cuban
and cokehead
that’s what i mean the audience is cuban
the audience is cuban
right the audience
does you know
coke and joey
it has like
an hour of coke material
he could go on and on
about the best
is washing up
and the way he says it’s so
funny so you kind of giggle
that sounds
funny and then you’ll see somebody just die
laughing you’re like oh you know
about this shit
he said shit that i don’t even know because i’ve
never done coke but it’s
funny just because two times a lady on a
thursday you know you know
i don’t know
but if he if he does that to a room full of coke heads
oh my god joe used to destroy that place
he used to level that
he was on stage once
and he was spitting
and sweat was flying off of him
and he was telling
jokes about
him being in one window they’re both on
coke him and his cat
and he’s in one window
and the cats in the
other one and they’re fucking looking out for police
i don’t think i’ve ever
laughed any harder
i don’t think i’ve ever
laughed any harder
and joey so joey’s
leveling these audiences with this kind of material
and kevin meanie
went up after him
and kevin me this before
kevin meanie
came out of the closet
so kevin meanie was doing like
he used to do we are the
world like we are the
world tribute
thing like a
whole song that’s
closing bit
yeah but this was like
decades after that we are the work
nobody remember that anymore
and these twenty year old people in the audience
have no idea what the fuck he was talking about
and this is after joe
like shut up
yeah they’re in
their animals and this is
after joey goes up and joey’s just
leveling the
place i mean it hurts you to watch
it hurt you to watch
that’s one of the worst
like scheduling
of comics ever
they do that all the time
like especially like
to punish them no
people like not smart
the comic wants too much
money sometimes will do that
you you know like
some people don’t
think a guy’s
that good like some club owners are really fucking
stupid other
like oh joey
he’s just fine
what i heard was the one i
heard got fucked with the most was mitch henberg
mitch hedberg got fucked with a
bunch of times
where they would put on like
these singing
black guys before him
you know and these guys
would destroy with like really dumb hack shit
and then mitch hedberg
would go up with this really
weird unique act
you know that like on
paper isn’t even
funny you know it’s like it’s got some really
great stuff
like an interesting way of delivering but it was
it’s very much you have to set it up correctly
you can’t have some guy
going up singing and dancing and having the
whole audience clap along
and then hedberg who just basically
stands there and
kick your ass
oh you know
double cheese
hotel you know he’s got all
these weird jokes that are like
they’re just so
you know so uniquely him but you
gotta set it up right
you know and
that’s a part of comedy
people go that guy can’t follow that guy
it doesn’t mean that that guy’s not good
it means that
their acts aren’t compatible
a lot of people don’t have a hard time following the
other people but
those people
would have a
harder time following people that i don’t have you know
so tom holland it
just doesn’t
style there’s a
lot mean if a guy’s like really
super cerebral
and really wordy and
doesn’t swear and is really
you know then you go up you want to talk about
get your dick sucked you know whoa fuck
even when brett earns for some reason and cap
and era were killing
i would always do well i don’t know why
yeah when other people
are killing then i have
trouble and it’s like i don’t
yeah certain
styles yeah joey used to have his his
jinx used to be aj jamal
you remember
it was amazing
incredible timing
aj jamal such a pro man he just
his timing was just so perfect you
could hear the same jokes ten times in a row and he
still would laugh
and for whatever reason i
think that just got inside joey’s head because joey
wasn’t that kind of a guy who wasn’t like a technician
like aj jamal just had that perfect timing
thanks thanks
yeah and just the way he
would do it like
you would just
be recovering from the last jug and then the next one
would hit you it
would hit you the
right time why were
still appreciating that joe
and then another one hits you and he just
would hit you with
these waves and
jelly was just a
you know sort of like
stream of consciousness guy
would just go up he had a couple ideas of some jokes he
would talk about
but he wanted to just fuck
around he wanted to like find the material on stage
i think it bothered
him that this guy was like so
so like yeah rigid and
thanks to bother me a lot too when i
forgot i was like
a really strong
it was really
strong and well done it
would make me insecure i would say
fuck what is
mine that good and i’m not that doing what he’s doing
i’ve trouble following
said somebody does real real well with crowd work
then it’s like
cause then that’s my
my pull out move is
do some power but then it’s like why he just
did it already he did it better than you so now my one
cheap move is fucking
taken away from me yeah
yeah yeah that
crowd move is a good move if you get
if you got a position to go to it
no like you used to have
i don’t want to say the jump but
you know there’s one that you do
where you talk to a
check in the audience
oh yeah yeah just
bam you know
i always wait for it like when you
start talking about that
and then i go here comes
like if you’re in a
tricky situation
you bust that one up that’s just a guarantee
crack in the face
you know but
those are nuts
i mean it’s really no different than
any other kind of joke that you’re gonna
just i mean you’re recreating
the moment you know you’re saying it all like you’re
thinking it
right there and then but a lot of it is shit you said
many many times
before you just got to keep it as organic as possible
yeah i like doing cry
week 2 cause it sets my
mouth and my cadence to be like
this is me real talking like
this is a nice jacket i like that shit
you know that’s
smart yeah and
then if my joke’s done and then i went to the
store right
guess what it
sounds like
it sounds gross yeah it does
when does it ever sound
grosser than when you’re in a tiny little audience
yeah when you’re in a tidy audience
like three people
you see all the problems with
your material like tiny audiences are really good to do
because when you perform in
front of like
three people
it’s so uncomfortable
that you’re making this person talk to you
but the illusion of a
crowd is just gone it’s just like what are we doing
i prefer for two ones
two people at danger
fields in new york city
and it was one of
the weirdest feeling but
it makes you snip out the fat in your jokes
it makes you get to the
point quicker
you respect
their attention span more because it’s more
ridiculous for you to require them to listen to you but
you also can’t pretend like you’re doing a pause that
might be set in there theatrically in a good way
i can’t even do it now it’s not even a bad
thing i just
this seems really fucking
weird fucking fake you
find out what the fake shit is
you can do a pause
if you’re really
thinking that way
right you know
if you like you know there’s a moment you act we like
what the fuck
what is really what is that there is a real
moment there’s a real opportunity for a moment there
but it has to be real i think
very often we write
stuff and we
write it and we say it in a way we just know it’s
gonna kill you know it’s not necessarily the way you
would say in
front of a small
group of people
it’s good to
clean your act up with that shit
it’s good to do shows
where people aren’t impressed too
like that’s why it’s good to do
those impromptu shows like
those wednesday
night shows
those people
know your show
they don’t know you’re
gonna be there they’re not your fans they don’t
come to see you they come to see any kind of comedy
and they just saw 10 guys that have been on
television that guy from comedy
juice just wrote me yesterday
and he was like hey
ari would love to have you
come back and i
did it before and i was like oh cool i did it once and
the guy who booked it left
so i’ve been looking to see you get
in contact with
him and he was
like yeah anytime you want next week the week
after the week
after that and i was like
how about the week
after that this is ari
it goes oh now how
about april i’m like you thought it was eric
spears didn’t you
he was like yeah i did
i think an auto completed on
it whatever
and i was like
it’s fine man that happens not the first time
you know the webcam’s on guys oh look at him
tell me a little
story we don’t have to stare at people
yeah so my manager
called you know the guy that no one else knows about
i thought that was a good
story man i’m fucking baked he wanted to go to comedy
juice comedy juices that
it all related man comedy juice is the local wednesday
show wednesday nights
wednesday nights of the improv
really good show and there’s always like
you know famous people only
ck to stop by mark mayer
stop by all these good guys to stop by
so it’s good place to perform
but it’s good to do like little tiny shitholes too
right it’s good to do like
bars and dives and
you know what’s
great is that little room next to the improv
you know this is the big improv
but this is a little tiny aspect
that’s what we’re doing what’s a cult show
what show it’s like the other show
no no i mean in tempe
oh oh yeah you know that one that was the shit
did you go up and then
no never just watched
just watched todd glass
goes and just does that room
you know it’s a fucking sweet room man
i mean it’s one of the
sweetest rooms in the country and it’s connected
to one of the biggest rooms in the country all things
it’s like a comedy complex
it’s amazing that tempe
has so much comedy you know
it’s also the biggest impulse to begin with
is it well chicago
might be bigger
now that san
jose san jose san jose
yeah how is
it listen to
me west palm is bigger than all oh they redid it now
right west palm
is west palm is huge it’s like 700 people
fucking insane
you you walk in and you’re like what
like it’s so big
what is santos i have to see like five hundred
fifty four fifty
yeah this place is
seven hundred people something like that
at least six fifty
but apparently
it’s hard to fucking feel
that’s hard
bruce bruce and gabriel
crisis every
other week yeah
yeah did you guys see that crowsman
see a fight on his twitter the other day he had with
some guy that was making fun of him or something
no not that poor father
what had happened
it’s just it’s very crazy how
this guy got to him pretty
and he what do you say to him
guy just started shit i own you i bet you
spend more time on me than any
other comedians you actually like i own you
i’m the punisher anytime
you try to publicly show somebody up online
you’re like you’re not showing them up
it’s just you’re both you guys are just idiots
you can’t ever hear a response
i did that before you feel like an idiot
afterwards why did i
waste my time doing this
if there’s sometimes when
you read something someone will say something douchey
and you’re like i
could just crush this
idiot right now
and then i was like what am i doing internet
why am i entering
like people are just drawing into some
silly fight i
saw someone on
twitter talk
about that and they said to marin
and they said
it’s like the special olympics even if you win you’re
still retarded
yeah that’s like a there’s
a picture of that you know you know what’d be really
funny inspirational pictures
would be really
funny to film somebody
film somebody have like this online war or somebody
and just have them
going back and forth and it became so dangerous
you could go to fight them it’s like a fork
four year old
well it’s all it is usually
a kid was 20 that kid from
ohio remember
we brought him to the show
he turned out to
be just a kid fucking around he was a nice guy
imagine if the kid
talked to him on the jimmy you
can’t tell tone too this guy
he and i had a myspace battle
it was really ridiculous and
it got put on some websites and then when i went
and i like he and i went back and forth on
even in the emails he said like
you know all right you win
and he said if i ever meet you i
would be having shake your hand i said i
shake your hand too dude it’s all just fun
right and he goes yeah he goes well it was nice talking
like at the end did like okay
you know it was like really weird it was like
you know sometimes you talk shit to people and
you don’t really mean what you’re saying but it’s like
you ventured into like a little contest like
you wanna talk stupid you
wanna say some dumb shit well i’mma say some dumb
shit it’s the only way you can show somebody up too
the best of people that
think just insulting your
mother will do the
trick oh come on
like i fucked your mom
three times this week ha
boom teamed but for
comics and for us
that’s a fun exercise sometimes that’s the problem
it’s like when people know that you do it
i could get mad at you like what an asshole you know
he’s calling this guy a
loser maybe you’re a fucking loser
we think you’re fucking badass
cause you’re on tv
but no i’m just practicing dealing with douchebags
it’s like they’re like online hecklers
it’s like the same
thing as a heckler in an audience
it’s really the same
thing you just
breaking them down
for a comic that’s fun sometimes yeah
i wish i don’t do it online
i don’t do it online anymore
i used to it’s just so stupid
it’s like you’re
deciding to get
upset and to
enter into this little
you know this
little competition with someone who you don’t know
who chooses to interact with you that’s what
that’s the way
they choose interact with you they choose to attack you
and you’re just gonna like
submit to that and start
going back and forth and that’s ridiculous
they win right away
this is part of
being like in the public eye
part of being an
entertainer you’re
gonna get people that want to hate you that’s normal
as soon as i
start soon as you get back involved
you’re like
maybe i’ll show them up you won’t
no matter what
you do energy
that’s what it is it’s a
waste of energy
unless you can
do it and you’re just having fun and it’s good natured
and you know and you do it just for
shits and giggles
as long as it’s good nature but
if you’re really getting
upset and you’re really trying to hurt
their feelings
my rules too is if you just want to show them
that they are
their ways you
never will they’ll
never see it
they’ll think that
they showed you up they don’t
think you should have them
so rare for like a
reflective moment like you know what
but you never know man you
might be able to with no
aggression like you
might be able to show someone like just
in a very calm way it’s very hard
it’s very hard for them
to accept it but the occasional person will accept it
occasional person who’s just confused
a lot of people man
the reason why they
lash out is because
really they just want someone to love them there’s
no one loves them
you know and this
is a lot of fucking
humans out there
there’s a lot of people that they live
these terrible fucking lives
i think i don’t know who it was i
think it was
some fucking famous guy
was it emerson i don’t know who it was is this quote
what was it
god damn it
i’m too high
taylor got into a somebody yelled at him
in the supermarket parking lot because he’s
going in the wrong way and somebody is you know
i got into an accident once that way
and he said he goes
yeah i bet you got into an accident somebody’s
going the right way
like what does that mean
prove anything
god damn i forgot the quote
what was it what was it about
i remember too much weed
all right tempe arizona this weekend hey
going to the chat there’s been a lot of good questions
what are the questions
like give us one brian send it out loud
stop talking about comedy
that’s not a question really i don’t know
what are the other questions more of a question form
dude enough about stand up comedy
listen you don’t have to watch it folks
if you’re not enjoying it
just fucking
trust the oscars
go on do your own thing you know i give up on the
oscars when
in the bedroom lost to that fucking
terrible mind or whatever the split personality guy
right hurt what
i was just like
one more than avatar
and that just hurts my soul cause i know
joe you like the hurt lager but i just
it hurts me why
cause the special effects didn’t win
it’s just a boring ass fucking movie and i just can’t
understand why everyone
thinks it’s like the next awesome
thing well i understand
why people care the movie they like or don’t like
win some fucking award well because then there’s a
movie like avatar that’s just like something
brand new like i’ve never seen this before i’ve
never experienced anything like this before
brian did you get avatar
depression when you found out it wasn’t real
no there’s a whole thing with that people miss that
world because it’s like a form of
depression no no
no i’ve only seen it once mister you saw it
three times i’ve seen it once saw three
i’m just saying that they’re not saw together right yes
it’s fun man it was a fun ass movie
it was like a goddamn comic book like
going to see a comic book my thing’s
like oh man
it’s just like the pocahontas that shut up
shut the fuck up i don’t care
i like stories
that wrap up nice and neat
whatever people say this shit
short or shitty i was like no no you’re
right when they point out details but yeah
that was a little that took me out of a little bit but
whatever it’s fine i
think the reason
i care is because it seems like okay you saw the same
movie i saw
and yet you
think that was enough to beat
amazing to win this
award so it’s like
weird because i
think i’m on a
brave like a wavelength
with people’s intelligence and how they’re thinking
and it just
blows it out of the
water like there was a million
movies better than a hurt
locker i think
i like the hurt
locker man i thought was pretty good best
movie of the year you know what i didn’t like no
no i thought it was a unique movie
i thought it was i don’t
you know i think
probably because the fact that we’re in this middle
is unpopular
war it was very
controversial they
made a point
it was actually art they
made a point i
think so pointless
born up you
know but you know
resolution that’s one of the reasons why you got
extra special
treatment i mean i
think if this was done
well who knows
it could be done during a year
where there’s no war
reflect on how we don’t have
war movies all the time but
i thought it was pretty good man i really liked it i
watched it granted
while being held captive on a plane
you know i couldn’t go
anywhere i was in my seat i couldn’t go anywhere and so
i enjoyed it
i was actually looking forward to it because i
heard a lot of people said good things
about it i thought it was pretty good
it was interesting it wasn’t i didn’t know too much
about it so that was good
i didn’t know any spoilers
it captivated me the whole way
that movie took
place four years ago
all right the
scene of that
movie we did
at the beginning of it he’s playing xbox 360
fucking fun fact right you are such a freak
i read that last night oh you fucking cat
my first commercial i did with that guy’s jeremy renner
knocked out my cool
story though was it my first commercial oh yeah
well that’s interesting man
so did you read
about this online or did you figure it out yourself
easter egg no the xbox
three six oh yeah yeah yeah i’m a
movie nerd like that wait
so i like reading mistakes that people do say was they
read it or you
write it did it say the date of the
movie of the movie like in the i guess so yeah
it was on kentucky
or something like that i thought
would you see it was great
you thought it was great too
yeah wow fuck
so you guys didn’t sit there and go wow
i just watched one really slow mission yes
there was there was a
little more
crazy action yeah but
you never know what the fuck was happening
it wouldn’t be exciting if you saw it two times but the
first time you did not fucking know that guy was not
gonna blow up
and it was very
scary there was a part in the beginning of the
movie when that guy blows up spoilers
there’s a lot of shit that’s happening see i
never felt the the tension you
have attention
i understand what you’re saying
no it didn’t
work on accident
we’re getting jack
i understand
what you’re saying there were a couple
times we did feel attention but a lot of it was slow
it was fucking slow i
understand that the tension part
i guess what
didn’t work they failed on the tension for me
well in your eyes i wasn’t
stoned they succeeded
you don’t have to be i wasn’t
i was totally sober
i wasn’t bad
going oh my god
i mean i was at the
movie theater
yeah yeah yeah the movie theater i didn’t see
that’s maybe that’s the
problem man you in the shit copy it was a blu ray cop
great i mean
it was at the imax theater in 3d
what the fuck
brian what are you
great at ria
busted down your doors
right now and took you out of here
yeah you don’t have anything illegal in
everything no just
no just everything
gigs and gigs
about that man do you
think we’re getting really
close to the
point where you can
just download shit and put it directly on your tv and
super high quality in real time we’re there
but i mean like i heard
about it people doing it easily with mac minis and
stuff like that
i know people how is
it gonna make
money with movies
well i don’t care
people are still
going to the
movies right sure i don’t care
yeah it’d be nice if everyone else does accept me
people said that in
movies yeah
it’s a nice
experience like there’s like 3d
was there any
copies of avatar online anywhere
yeah but a lot of people
still want to see that that’s the
whole thing
i mean this
movies that you will download that
stupid comedies
and you’re just like i’m not paying to see that
i’ll fucking download dude sony has a new tv coming out
a 3d tv that i
tried out at the mall
it comes out this summer
right dude it’s fucking
crazy right you put goggles on they have a battery you
press a button and
these guys are
playing soccer and the ball is just flying at your
face it was just goggles yeah
mike’s not a tv
the tv’s wacky
my tv does that
right you don’t have the goggles on you look at it
oh so you look after my
tv does that
right now it’s
capable of samsung
you hook up a computer to it and it renders anything
3d into the good 3d just like that so when avidar
comes out on 3d you can do that yeah
if i wanted to but so
i’m not gonna buy
those goggles and
shit like that
so how much
programming is it like
if you watch the office is that coming in 3d
that’s a good question
i don’t know
that’ll be crazy i don’t
think the 3d is
gonna catch on
this is just
a program but why not
because you know how many people you
might think it’s cool
but you know how many people are like you know what i’m
gonna buy a
whole new tv just so i can have this
right no especially
after they just made us all
buy new ones anyway
hdtv took a long blu rays barely
still kept holding
on that’s true that’s true because regular tv
still looks pretty fucking badass
and people go how much better is it really
you might skip
the next five
bucks instead of 20 bucks
no in this economy
you pay 20 bucks you get the regular one you know i
give a shit
and honestly 3d to me man
like even when i go to the imax
movie theaters
i’m still kind of like you know what
i don’t know if i like this yet
you know like it’s kind of cool but
you need to just go
ahead and suck some cock
just go do it
just go run
san francisco
it’s there it’s getting better and better run
to wherever the hardest cocky
things gonna be
waiting it’s getting better and better and better
but you still
feel like you’re looking through something like it
still hasn’t gotten to the
point where i’m like i’m in
i completely
i go to that
movie theater and it
doesn’t feel perfect
but i put those
glasses on and i watch
those dudes in avatar
floating inside
that room i was like holy shit this is awesome
that movie is an event
it’s not just a
movie it’s not just you
going and watching a
bunch of shit happen
the thing that’s
great about avatar it’s like a goddamn
comic book ride
it’s like a ride like a super ride
at universal city walk
that’s one of the
things i said
about it like
the acting is kind of clunky all
right so gornie weaver
sounds like she’s like mailing in a
bunch of times oh
yeah she gave the fuck up like come on guys
are we serious here
where’s my cigarette it’s like whoa
it seemed like the kind of acting that you see
in those rides at universal city walk
like right before you go on the ride they make you
watch them back to the future
clip where they
explain what happened
we’re in a bad situation guys
we’ve got to get through the
tunnel quickly
before the nuclear bomb
explore like just
not much time please in an
orderly fashion
hurry up and get into your chair
my popcorn yeah
exactly exactly
tell me it wasn’t lame when when they said when all the
other armies came out to fight them
we were like oh we got all the
other armies to come out we were like what
where were they the
whole time i
never heard
about them they’re
right over there
what the navi
why didn’t you just get them earlier
yeah like what are you guys doing
yeah just in
order for it to really work
they all these
places that bought
their hd cameras now have to buy
3d cameras like all these
shows have to be filmed a different way
right but that’s
gonna happen
brian because they used to have to do
black and white
that’s what they did they did
black and white
they went from
black with color
they went from
color to hd they’re
gonna go why
wouldn’t it have happened already
because it’s all
3d has been
huge i bet they
might i bet before 3d
i bet before
3d they could skip
to the next technology
never been that interesting
during the black and
white early
color years of
television when you
first saw 3d you probably thought
this is a break you’re talking to
someone who saw jaws 3d
right yeah you
have fucking
boring shit
it’s still sweet when that
shark comes at you like
it’s so dumb but
back then you also thought
video games were like this that were like amazing
right that’s why
things improve and
technology advances that’s why 3d’s
come into its own i just
think that 3d
would have been popular
in the past
it wasn’t good there’s no way you guys
can sell this
i think it’s
gonna work actually it’s the future for sure
movies are way more exciting when they’re in three d
way more interesting it’s more
layered it’s like i heard alice
in wonderland
is the shit
i heard the
video the visuals are incredible that’s wrong
did you read the article on in gadget
no this guy totally puts a details review
of why it sucks in 3d
it makes so much sense
like the director used
layers in the
movie in certain ways to give an effect of depth
and then 3d comes in there and
changes what he was doing and it’s
supposedly just does not work oh
really yeah
so it would be cool if you saw it in 2d
yeah exactly that’s what he
said you said it wasn’t filmed
for 3d and that’s what i’m saying all
these things
avatar was no way
no way tim burton does
not know his film is being filmed for 3d no no no dude
he did not film it for a 3d
movie that’s what i’m trying to say avatar
was filmed in regards to his
movie they filmed it as a 2d
movie and they 3d
it for 3d right
wow i don’t know man i’d have to see it
see that’s what i’m saying all these shit
would have to be filmed in 3d and
it’s going to take a lot of people to go
really do we want to
spend this whole movie being a 3d movie
they’re like jaws 3d
they had to go back
you’re crazy listen to me dummy
they’re gonna do it for every single gigantic explosive
action it would make sense it’s
gonna make much more excited it would make sense
cooler every monster movie
way more 2d than 3d
it make way more in two days and three d
and ticket sales
oh no because
yes they do in a ton
more yeah but you do both at the same time because
it’s theater
and also the three d hypes up
the sales of the two they had to re release jaws
three and non three d because it didn’t do so
fucking terrible
that’s fucking thinking about you
it was like there’s only like one effect
it was like it was so dumb
it was like one
effect the shark coming at you it was like such a
stupid ass movement
like we’re not in the ocean we get it i just think
that’s my bet
your what i think 3d is gonna be fail
and what do you think’s
gonna skip to them what’s next
like like more better than that like
kind of like a projection hologram in your house
type shit dude i
think that’s i think that’s coming too i
think you’re right but i think
until that does come this is pretty fucking
sounds like no
he’s gonna come
it’s gonna come more wall like
paper lcd technology where this whole wall
is gonna be like computer large size
this screen
you know you know
you’ll ever get to a
point where everything is controlled by your
voice or you think that’s just absolutely
really but what
about if you don’t want to talk what if it’s at
night at night at work my
password it’s like real
mike on password xxx you know
hmm but you
would have another interface or a keyboard or something
keyboard yeah yeah you just go up to the wanga keyboard
will keyboards always be here or do you think the
voice recognition will get so good that it’ll be
i think eventually it will get so good
do you use voice
technology at all do you ever use it
i used it briefly on my
android and it was
amazing it was way better than i’ve ever used it ever
it was perfect that’s why i keep hearing
about that cause it’s okay with some things
it’s okay with blackberry
like blackberry you could say like call brian
and it’ll call you
you know it’s pretty good about that yeah
which number cell
right calling yeah my look it’s
bad in my car it works well yeah
it’s bad in my car i have the ford edge
and yeah and it’s like call joe
what number
calling sally calling
sally but i think that’s also the noise of the road
that’s why i like instead of the
when you’re doing it in a car it’s a
speakerphone it’s like talking it’s not crisp
so what i always do is i always do it straight from the
phone as you’re talking right into that little tiny mic
and it’s pretty direct
seems pretty accurate
enough you know it beats like having to press buttons
i don’t want to press buttons when i’m driving it’s all
right gone through the bluetooth so it’s all
that’s one of the coolest things ever
you know that you can have
you could drive in your car and talk to people on the
phone with both hands on the steering wheel
that’s just nuts
did you hear about this company overseas
is released in the
first jetpack that you can buy there’s gonna be
about 500 of them being made
and they’re going for
about 70 000 each
gonna have to go about 30 feet i’ll go to 200 it
lasts 30 minutes i believe 30
minutes god
that’s awesome yeah
that was a long time
30 minutes you’d be bored already
you’d have to set your alarm
fuck that toyota
can’t even get to
what if you have a jetpack and you only go
five feet off the ground
just keep fucking what if it
freaks out and goes 500 feet in the ground and you’re
stuck up in the air
you’d have to have some sort of a parachute right
you have to be able to cut the jetpack off to the
extra weight
imagine we dropped out someone’s fucking head
no you wouldn’t be able to
cut it off they
wouldn’t let you
yeah cause you’re doing that
what the fuck
planned out
did you see how many toyotas were recalled in
japan one last night
in san diego did you hear about it
the guy couldn’t stop and the police cop got
to the side of him and was like
using his peers like
hit the power button
the guy was kept on hitting the
power button when work he was
standing on the
break he said just like full blast
and then and then
i don’t understand it
but i think it has something to do
where it’s just won’t let you do anything
and then the cop had to get in front of him and i
guess and like the
so you know that kind of
break his car
oh my god i’m guessing
well that’s
a standard clutch
you know you could
always put it in yourself slow
down that way
we have standard even a manual
you can always put it into zero and into neutral
and the emergency
brake doesn’t work yeah i don’t get how
well maybe maybe the computer
wouldn’t let the
switch gear
no emergency
brake mercy
break doesn’t
this was on a
really a parking
breaker you know
so you yeah
but you would have
definitely put that on
oh fuck you would have
tried but he’s
standing on his
break george
lucas says that he’s found
things that are
wrong with the prius that he says is a software
issue that he can duplicate yeah
he said he’s still
denied listen
george but not george
lucas george
wozniak what’s his name
steve wozniak
george lucas
just like that old rich guys
i love them all together
kenny rogers
kenny rogers
anyway steve wozniak who’s one of the
super geniuses who founded apple
he has a prius and he said that there’s an
issue with the accelerator
and he can replicate it
he can do like a specific number of
things you know you hit the blinker do this do that
it’ll happen
and he said he can do it safely
and he shows them how to do it
this is a software issue
that’s what’s so
scary about these fucking computer control cars man
computers crash
you know there’s some beauty in like an old mustang
you know you turn the fucking key
the ignition fires up boom
the fucking tack is there
the speedometer is there broom broom
smell the fucking gasoline
you know i’m saying there’s no nothing helping you out
stupid you got drum brakes
okay those brakes suck dick
they’re terrible
they don’t slow you down
they’re like they barely work you know you got you know
three hundred fifty three hundred
seventy five fucking american
horsepower from a high torque v8
nasty sound exhaust you just drive
stick shift
four on the floor
everything that got more advanced
the more advanced it gets the more you take a chances
when you go to fucking software
that should just
break on you
my bracelets to go so bad when i was in high
school and you have
money to fix them
it would be an adventure to stop
from thirty
miles an area
please please no no
they just eventually
right in front of the car in
front of you stop like oh god
all right good
amazing when you were
allowed to drive when you were
young how fucking dumb you
weren’t you
still drive
driving i should be
thirty a destroyer
a giant machine that
could kill people
and you’re sixteen you’re allowed to fucking
hammer around on it so crazy
yeah it’s amazing that we’re all alive
come on i got a
ton of accents
mostly i drove like a retard
hmm i just these cars
could not do what i wanted them to do
it was hitting
trees and shit
i mean when i was sixteen
i was just too way too wild to get a driver’s license
there’s no way that should
i should have
been riding the bus getting my shit together for at
least another two years
by the time i was eighteen i melled out
gotten used
to the fact that i was driving around then i was
then i was safe
between 16 and 18 that shit
yeah there’s no way
yeah drive as
fast as you possibly can for like 30 yards yeah
retard and then screeching
yeah just no reason cutting people off
one reds yeah
it’s scary shit man
it’s scary shit all the different automated
things there
going on today so many different
things are automated you know
what scares the shit out of me is
these drones that they use overseas
you know when they have these
drones that fly
above pakistan
and launch missiles down
because we’re not at war we’re not in pakistan
but there’s like
you know taliban’s that are in pakistan
so we want to fuck them up
so we send these
robots in space
i mean this is like fucking
this is really like science fiction
we send these flying
robots that we remotely control from a base somewhere
these dudes are
literally using xbox controllers because
these kids are so used to playing xbox they know
those computers so well
they just program
the software to control those drones
use that same device
so they got a fucking xbox controller
and they’re
controlling yeah what if your controller goes out
well anything can happen anything can happen
just drops over somebody’s house
yeah well people have died a
bunch of people have died a lot of
civilian casualties
a lot yeah these
drones i mean
they’re very effective
but shit man you’re launching missiles from the sky
you know who the fuck knows you’re american
citizens no
no he’s partying people
they’re getting jacked left and right
in pakistan as well it’s
a scary thing man
they fire something called hell fire missiles
that’s what they named him hellfire
you know not like
freedom maker or something like that you know
your death yeah
death with a bad afterlife
yeah not like yeah
i like the strong arm of peace
coming from below hell fire claim you
motherfucker hellfire
that doesn’t make you feel good
the whole idea of the whole war so crazy
what’s really crazy is that the cia
had the president
of afghanistan’s brother on his fucking payroll
really yeah and this guy is like
deep in the poppy business
that cia was paying him it was just recently revealed
the cia has been paying him for a long time
he was on the cia fucking payroll
he’s the brother of the president in afghanistan
and he’s in the poppy business
i mean the whole thing is
crazy that’s ninety something percent of the
world’s heroin
all comes from from afghanistan
ninety something percent
guaranteed some
evil motherfucker and
some high lofty position you know i want to name the
the organization
because who the fuck knows who’s really
bringing it in i mean
even has a name
those guys are profiting off that make
money off it
for sure it’s
been proven many many times you know there’s a
plane that the cia
had we talked
about this before on the show
this plane had
crashed in mexico
with four tons of cocaine in it
and it was a jet that had been to guantanamo bay twice
it was a cia jet
this fucking jet
had been to guantanamo bay on two separate occasions
and this fucking
thing was flying cocaine
into the united
states and crashed in mexico
four tons of coke man
so many different stories about
if you want to look at any of the stuff
online look up that plane that
crashed then look up the
story of barry seals
eric seals was a guy who
was a drug runner who would fly drugs in from
south america to the united
states and drop them off in mina arkansas
in a little plane
and he would drop a parachute
well these two kids saw the drop off one day
and they caught
the kids because they didn’t want the kids telling
they killed them
and their parents
found out that it
was a murder because the cops had said that they found
these kids on the
train tracks apparently
they placed
their bodies on the
train tracks on over
and they said oh
they got stoned and they laid out on the
train tracks
and the parents did autopsies had
autopsies they
found they found
knife wounds
the kids had been stabbed
so they stabbed
these kids and killed them
and then they laid them on the
tracks and so
then it became this gigantic investigation
who was flying blah blah blah
they get a hold of this guy
barry seals and
barry seals is
totally spills the beans
tells the whole
story all the different shit that he did he’s
ready to testify
goes to court and they fucking assassinate him
literally on his way to court
so this dude’s on his way to
court he’s got george bush
george bush’s
phone number in his pocket at the time
and he gets
murdered in his car on the way to talk about it
and this is guy that was an employee of the cia and
there’s not just
those there’s a
bunch of them
michael rupert
there’s a guy who wrote a
book about it he was an lapd detective
and something in
lapd i don’t know i don’t know what he was
but he busted the cia
selling drugs
and he’s like and he was told to back off the case
he’s like this is fucking insane
and he’s written books
about it he’s got this
website from the wilderness com i
believe it is you
know it’s all detailing all the different corruption
and they’re doing it
right in front of everybody’s fucking face
that’s the crazy thing
i mean think
about how much goddamn cocaine is in this country
it’s not all coming in because of retarded criminals
because most people that
are smuggling cocaine so
huge organizations yeah
it’s the government
the government
has something to do with it for sure someone in some
some aspect
why wouldn’t they if
these people want to do drugs you know what the fuck
who’s making
money off the drugs
they probably feel like look
the bad guys
gonna make money off
the drugs anyway let’s just cut them out we’ll take the
money fuck it drugs
are gonna be out there no matter what you do
and it’s all like a nice little
cycle because the more people get arrested for
those drugs the more
these prison
private prison companies and companies that own
these gigantic prisons
the more they’re
happy because more people are in
their prisons
and the more people that are in private prisons
the more profit they make
so they support all
this shit so they actually support drugs being illegal
they want them to be legal
they push for it it’s fucking crazy
the whole big package is fucking crazy
and the idea that the government
is behind it all that there’s evidence of it
just makes the
whole thing mind blowing it’s just so nuts
the fact that
the bea you
know is like in cahoots
with the cia and they
all it’s all like a big game at the very top it’s all
horseshit it’s all just profit and money
how much fucking
money must they even make it
there must be so much money in drugs who gets the money
i don’t know that’s the good question right
that’s a good question how many people are involved
and where does it go
i mean if a cia if someone in the cia
someone in the organization really is selling drugs
is it just every now and then a rogue
agent goes fucking nutty and
cut some deal with some fucking no
you think it’s all the time
that’s how it gets in the country
what you’re saying yeah i mean
how many times
has it happened though i mean how much cocaine
do we have already here how long does
cocaine last
you know if you
bring in a whole gigantic
ship full of it
where would you keep it
how long does it take to get on the
street someone’s
bringing it in it’s not these
morons it’s not they’d be getting busted left and
right people that are so
crazy that they’re willing to do something that insane
like smuggle
a million dollars for the cocaine
in the country
those people are crazy
those people get busted doing shit that’s not like i
think they were yeah
option that part out
like they hire somebody to transport
the more people you hire the more people
gonna kill you
yeah the more people you hire
the worse your idea is because
the more people that can get busted and wear a wire
and put you in jail
it’s very dangerous the
smart move to do if you’re doing something
to hire as few people
as possible take your own ship over somewhere you have
to do it might be the way to do it
might be the way to do it
you might have to
bring your own ship no way some cartel guy
transports a shit no
those guys don’t do it they hire
other guys do it that’s why they always live in
these fucking
gigantic compounds with fifteen dogs and eighty guns
no fucking nuts man imagine that life
the mexico they’re
going crazy
the mexican drug war is just off the fucking chain
when we talked to victor
about it you know
victor dougla
he just got out our guy from
the ufc who does
spanish commentary
he does my job he just got out of juarez
he was living in juarez
that’s what he says
every time he’s
gonna knock out
does he says gold
i should let that go
that was my biggest regret
you’re not telling
everyone now you know victor says this
that’s hilarious because i thought he did
imagine he did that was his thing
because michael ship
does the k one commentary
he goes the big
kabash really
big kabash when a guy gets cracked
yeah that’s
funny yeah he’s awesome he’s hilarious
more looks than a pirate convention
he says like
crazy shit he’s been
mounted more times than
jenna hayes
really yeah says
that says oh yeah yeah
they let him just do it
they want it the people love it
i think he’s hilarious
would be fun to make this he’s my
favorite guy to listen to
it’s on pinot
he’s a super
long dude man we hung out with him in canada
somewhere yeah in canada in edmonton
and then we hung out with him and his
girlfriend again in australia
super cool dude
couldn’t be nicer
he’s australia that’s right yeah
more hooks than a pirate convention
that’s my favorite one
a pirate convention
my name is mom i’m
a pirate convention how come we don’t hear
about the fucking somalian pirates anymore we got bored
they got canceled
we got bored of
escape there’s two people ever
escaped that guy
english couple still fucked oh really yeah they
still got those bitches
locked up kidnapped them
they want millions
they know these guys are worth millions
who knows what
they’re doing to them too they’re probably fucking them
they’ve been they were surprisingly good about
once you paid the
money they gave
everything that’s it
but what are they doing
right now while
these people aren’t coughing up the
money i bet they’re fucking them
they might why not why
wouldn’t they fuck them
these pretty
white people
silky smooth white skin
worth billions
these guys are like super
super rich are they
are they just like
regular folks no i’m
not the people that
were the people that were kidnapped on the yacht yeah
like the guy and the girl and they were like real
travelers on their own
yeah yeah hmm
that’s so scary
oh another ship
another ship is
turning about we are in
hello there in
2010 this is the internet so we’re
gonna find out cause i
think that’s fucking interesting
cause that’s one of the
things about
traveling is that the
it gets fucking
nerve wracking thinking
about what is safe and what is not in all the laws
some countries don’t have a loss
yeah when i was in brazil
uh huh that scared the shit out of me
brazil brazil it was a
brazil was very much like sao paulo there was
there was a feeling in the air like you know you gotta
watch where you go
most of people were very nice very friendly
a lot of beautiful houses a lot of nice neighborhoods
but it was also like
the arab shook if you go to the
market and heads on jerusalem
you block them to the airport
people like don’t
wow someone from the navy witnessed it
kidnapped british yachtsman oh he’s a yachtsman wow
who is this passing ship
hello there
what do you want what no
oh my god yeah oh my god she’s spreading it
she’s pasty white now she’s
she’s pasty white these are their pasty
white rich english people oh my god they must have
fucked travelling around the ocean and oh really good
these fucking people went these guys are nuts
they went from turkey
through africa down through saudi arabia to
somalia i love put that so far off the twitter
pirates vs ninjas who would you choose go
ninja what about pirates are i mean
you actually wear
about this longer than
where is it on the ocean or you lost
i’m sorry ninjas always the immediate answer
why how they’re gonna take the
ocean they don’t have both ninjas
just why it’s better because when you’re a
ninja you know
for sure you can kick that pirates ass yeah
no no one’s
they should make a movie
where it’s like a ninja who’s also a pirate
you’re a fucking 12 yeah pirate’s a pirate
do they have that yet they probably they
should you are 12 year old boy son
like he takes off his mask and he has like a little eye
patch under his mask
and there’s like a squished parrot like yeah
okay these people have not paid yet the pirates believe
these people
are wealthy that’s what it is they’re not wealthy
all they have
they put into
their yacht
all their money they put into the yacht
wow these guys are fucked
wow this is scary shit man
they went nutty man
these people sailed
all the way down that’s the
dream to fucking somalia
with the suez canal they went to mumbai
they went across the
ocean to india
and then they
went all the way back towards tanzania and that’s
where they got jacked
this is this is the
dream of sailing around the
world what’s happening
around the world my
parents did that
you know my parents went to the florida keys and they
lived in the bahamas
for a while
you know but it’s
nerve wracking man
you’re living on a fucking boat out in the water and
you know when
storms come your fucking
house is literally flopping back and forth and it
might go under other
houses are gonna
crash into it
my dad had to get up in the middle of the
night and go out
in the middle of horrible
rough waters
climb on other people’s boats
and secure their anchors because they didn’t secure
their anchor correctly
and their boats were drifting
and they had to
worry about
their boats
slamming into this
boat really
yeah it’s dangerous shit they
had a little sailboat and they
lived on a little sailboat for a couple of years
pretty nutty shit man
anyway what i’m trying to say is you go to
these other
places you realize like god damn we’re
lucky it’s safe here you know
trying to say take flights
human beings are
we are only as
civilized as our circumstances
you know and i
learned that when
we were in san francisco and the fucking we thought the
building was on fire you know
i was really
thinking like how am i
going to do this when we’re evacuating
there was 15 flights of
stairs people were
going down the
stairs in single file
and people were panicking
and they were asking
questions they were stopping the line and they were
going really slow
and they were shitting
their pants
while this is all happening
you could look down through the spirals and see the
smoke coming up from the bottom and i was
ready to jump
i was ready to just
start climbing down i was
ready to just
start fuck you
i’m just going to
start climbing
people are panicking
and they’re not
going fast enough
they’re like
freaking out and
they’re everyone’s in
every floor they’re merging and you
start thinking like this is how someone could die
you can die like this
you can get
stuck in a fucking fire man this is
scary shit very very
scary shit yeah that
that really
freaked me out and
now i hate going
i used to like to be at the top
floor for some reason
i get as high as i can get like when i go to a hotel
no no no no
you have like
second floor
because of that yeah you know that
that was one of the
worst times
in my life that’s the only time ever i thought i
would for sure was gonna die
like i thought i didn’t
think i was
gonna die but i thought
we were in a very very bad situation here i was very
thankful when we got out and
everything was okay
and it turned out it wasn’t really a fire that the
smoke was actually the fire extinguishers
cause these assholes got
drunk like 4 30 in the morning just
started spray
did you fart no who’s saying that it was him that
sprayed the shower
it probably was how dare you but it was
it was the whole fucking room
the whole floor was
covered in this
smoke and the fire alarms went off i
guess because they activated the did the
thing so there was no real fire but god damn it was
scary as fuck it could have very easily been a fire
it’s terrifying shit yeah
that energy could just overcome you you know
that’s one of
those old ass buildings they’re not safe man
single fire staircases oh
that was awful
they could suck it 12 floors going into one
15 yeah 15 was
floors going into one staircase
i think there was other ones but they were like hidden
staircases there were so many
people that were walking so slow they were panicking
they had just
woken up and
they were delirious and they were unhealthy
and they weren’t athletic they
weren’t like people who
like to move well
so here they get up
and some people need a long ass fucking time to get
going like they’re in
their 60s and 70s
and all of a
sudden you put them on a
staircase like oh my god i’m
gonna die because this guy can’t walk
you gotta walk faster
buddy you gotta walk
there’s a gap in
front of you
motherfucker you know
normally there’s a gap on the
stairs it doesn’t mean shit but when you see
smoke on a second floor
and there’s like
you know ten
feet between you and the next guy you’re like dude you
gotta move man
what are you doing to my cat
he’s attacking brian
he has to put his
sleeve over his hand or she scratches it up can’t play
you can’t rub her
belly she wants to bite
orange sphere will be right back
ladies and gentlemen and now we’re gonna go to
your emails and calls and
your calls eventually
when are we gonna do the skype thing man
right now oh
no skype no don’t do it right now
i won’t answer the calls fucking johnny depp live
who’s johnny depp pirate
so we’re ninjas bro we are already likes the pirates
this guy says that’s why i
bring a collection of
sheets just in case i need to tie them together and dip
dude don’t think i wasn’t
thinking about it
and the lower i got the more i was
thinking okay
maybe i could jump out from here and live
maybe i could jump out from here and live
you start thinking
crazy shit yeah you know your survival instincts
you really become an animal you become an organism
that’s trying to survive you don’t really think
about anything else
that’s why this into the
world shit’s
crazy when the zombies come and shit because
i’m gonna be like the
first one to like eat the
you know somebody in our group yeah
we gotta hear
why do you think that
i don’t know i’m just kidding but i
think you know i mean i
was thinking about
zombies we’ve talked
about this before
i think this
whole idea of reincarnating people
after they’re dead
you know like the
whole cryogenics
thing where they’re taking people into
freezing them like they do at walt disney
i think if there are really zombies that’s a zombie
a zombie is when a person dies
their soul goes to the next
stage of existence
their energy
their essence
and you just reanimate
their flesh
and that flesh needs to stay
alive but it
doesn’t think at all it’s like
just moving on instincts is like trying to eat
things in front
of it and trying to bite your arm and eat it
cause it’s hungry
remember that old
experiment with the dog
where they brought dogs back to life
do you ever see that
is that the russian film yes yeah what is that oh you
gotta look that up on google
they have like this head of a dog
and they hook it up to
these chemicals
and the dog just
starts coming back to life
like starts licking his lips
what was it russian
russian experiment
yeah scientist dog dead
vagina black vagina
black vagina
a russian scientist
kept a dead dog severed head alive
dude that is one of the creepiest videos i ever saw
and that’s probably something like that’s zombie dog
right there
that’s a zombie dog they could live with electrical
stimulation yeah now imagine like if they made
a thing that they
could just put a collar around its neck to do the same
thing digs into the right things i can control it
well i think for sure you know one of the things that
those people here’s the
video wow that’s the dog oh my god zombie dog oh my god
is there a video yeah i’m gonna put it on twitter
first so we can all watch together
how hilarious is jimmy kimmel
you guys are watching you know what was the best
thing that thing that he did with
leno when he came out as leno and did his
whole show as leno
did you tweet it that’s it yeah cartoon
that’s real explaining how he does it
so i was feeding the dog brain
this is just some mad scientist shit
they’re trying to figure out what makes
flesh and tissue
alive and this
dog they’re feeding
blood to this dog’s head
while this fucking dog’s head is severed
i mean this
is they’re explaining it in a cartoon form but then i
watched it do it
look at that
yeah freaky
that’s insane
they kept that dog’s head
alive for hours look it’s moving around
it’s reacting when he tickles its nose wow
can’t bark it’s got no
voice box it’s got no lungs man right
he’s got nothing it’s insane
citric acid he’s taking citric acid
out what are you gonna do put on his nose
can you imagine
doing that to
like your old pet because you wanted to make it
feel like it’s still
alive oh my god
he’s licking it
that is insane
the dog’s head is
completely removed
from its body and it’s licking its nose the guy
covered its nose with
citric acid wow
it’s so cute
it’s a cute dog
he’s looking
at his nose why they have to chop his fucking head off
so did they
just to figure out that he can do it
oh look at this
he’s blinking oh my god they poured light on his back
oh don’t do
that sound sound
they picked up a hammer
we gonna smash his face
yeah do you know not the ground i know
brian did you
know the ground with a hammer
did you watch a video oh he’s reacting to noise look
at that he’s trying to get away from the hammer
noise oh my god that’s so
crazy now did they cut his head off and then put it
right on that machine
so they didn’t really ever die
chopped his fucking head off they didn’t
bring it back to life
i don’t actually i
don’t kill them don’t know
exactly how long it was
but this crazy guy did a bunch of these kind of
experiments fuck that’s so scary
very interesting it’s like
guys want to do something that dark
i mean i understand
it’s all for the name of science and all that
stuff but the guy is willing to take an animal and
completely disregard
suffering just to find out
what you can do to it
that guy will do that to people
right that’s what i think
i think i mean
maybe not but what
about lab rats
where’s the line
yeah what is the line
i think when you realize
their people suck
why not take
there was a guy who
recently got
arrested i want to be in charge of choosing
that yeah he’s been
sent being sentenced
right now he was on a dating game back in the 70s
and this chick turned him down
i’ll find that too
the chick turned him down and
after the chick turned him down because the
chick didn’t want to go out with him
well it turned out before he
was even on the show in 1968 he’d already raped a child
he raped a 12 year old girl
they didn’t know about it
so he gets on the show
he wins the girl
doesn’t want to date him
the girl doesn’t want to date him and
he goes on a fucking killing spree
and kill her
no he doesn’t kill
her but he kills a
child he kills
i think four people
took one teenage girl
out into the woods
optimized her and
smashed her fucking head with a rock i mean
he did some horrible horrible shit
he’s a evil fuck
and i mean that guy let’s do cut his fucking head off
you know i’m saying
you guys kill four people
rapes and sodomize
the chick kills with a rock
let’s cut his
head off why we kidding this dog didn’t do shit
you know that guy is the one that’s number one
will fucking kill you that’s what it is this is the guy
this is him in
court right now whoa he got way
older well this is 1978 bro
but he went on a fucking killing spree
he raped her with a claw
hammer so they’re all repeatedly
all of them
were repeatedly strangled and then resuscitated
during their
deaths to prolong
their agony
oh really he
woke him up
again he’s hot
evil evil fuck yeah she was hot and
smart she smartened up
even in 1978 she knew the
other dudes who were on the show with him
they said that he was so creepy they were like
they didn’t even realize
that they were leaning away from him really yeah
and they said they didn’t
elect though the locker room like it wasn’t the
dresser in the
green room it
wasn’t like all jokes like hey we’re on this
crazy tv shows like i’m
gonna win you fucking
piece of shit
it’s my fucking show
like he was like
aggressive with them like
crazy like this guy’s fucking creepy
turns out he’s a serial killer
you know that
guy we should
experiment on that
motherfucker right
and that’s the guy we
should be killing not a goddamn dog
right out of
here yeah maybe
i want to sit and
study and ask me questions
i know right
yeah he’s a
defense to oh
even better
i wonder how they caught him i don’t know the
whole story
i don’t know
look at it man what a creepy fuck man
there’s people that
enjoy they truly
enjoy hurting
other people
you know they’re broken
their wires are just
completely crossed
and they actually
enjoy it man that’s fucked up but
talk about manson and how we
tried it for the monkeys
did he really yeah
and like if he had gotten it would he
still gone crazy
my friend was like yes he
would have been a
crazy monkey
so it would have
been way more
crazy because what if he became one of the
monkeys and he got fucking
famous and then had incredible
power i mean the
power he had over
chicks he was
three feet tall and a fucking ex con
it was all over hollywood
because we always have hot
chicks around them
so everyone in hollywood invited them over i don’t
think dudes don’t do that to
us plants gets placed
there’s always guys that are like in
vegas especially
that party those
who get a lot of hot
chicks with us come on down with us
they’re always trying to talk to like
ufc guys and
fighters like
why you try
why are you telling guys you have a lot of hot
chicks with you
you have a lot of hot
chicks with you like
are you like just a really
super cool guy wants to make everybody
happy or are
you just trying to make
friends with everybody and this is like the bait you’re
throwing out there yeah that’s it
yeah that’s it it’s
weird that’s right
that’s some manson step shit
the problem is always like i have a lot of hot
chicks me like
what am i gonna do with that
scary shit to meet them
yeah yeah exactly are
the prostitutes that are willing to have sex with me
or something
otherwise like what do you i don’t understand
do you want to talk
about your last time
standing thing i want a last
time standing yes sir i
audition for it
what do you mean
and i to talk about
think about rules of like nbc
i have no idea i’m sure you’re allowed
and then i get
there and they said this year they wanted to do
what’s it called
more respectable
judges because they’re afraid of aunt
that level of
comic where they were like you know
people the comments
don’t really want to do it so they got
greg geraldo and andy kendler
who i expect and then at the last
minute i found out
twenty before i got there went on
that my ex girlfriend itasha
was one of the judges
now this is not just an ex girlfriend
but there’s a
there’s a big ass
story to it
and one of them is that already
at one point in time was quite
upset with her and all right
yes and oh the water
yeah yeah she left me for some guy on matt tv and then
and then she
started hanging around
my safety spot my clubhouse
and making it uncomfortable for me
and then she
started dating
my friend and then she was hanging around the clubhouse
again i threw
water on her face
so that’s the best
judge right
not the one i want to be up
i was like oh
really and then they started
grilling me
about it like
right before i go on a camera ask me
these questions that i’m
before yeah
right before and i’m like i don’t know
did you answer me
that’s not failing
what absolutely thought
about it but i love uncomfortable
situations so much i even said that i was like
you do if i could
watch it to be better but
i think we all do from working at the
store it’s just
so awkward i love
it so much that i’m willing to put myself through it
just for the awkwardness
well you know how when we were doing
the store and all
those years we’d have
those crazy late
night shows like i
think there’s something
about those late
night shows that like set
you know if there’s times when we did gigs together
where like if i did a gig with like
tripoli or me and brett
ernst and and
mike young did a show once in hollywood florida mm hmm
and everybody killed
and one of the
things when brent earned
said when he killed
like right after
he was bringing me up in
those comedy
store motherfucker
you know it was like like joking around like we did
clubhouse yeah
yeah it’s a
mentality it’s like
you know you’re working
in dark situations
the comedy store if you don’t know the way
it is always been
in la used to be that the
criminals ran the insane people ran the
asylum but now
more it’s managed
its kind of sucks now because
still the door guys are all want to be comics
everyone’s a
comic they’re outside smoking and drinking
when there’s some
five hecklers in there yelling at you
and eventually someone will get them the
place is entirely
black everything’s
black the walls are
black the floor
or it’s so dirty
the coloring is
black the building the
whole building is
black it’s a
black building
and it’s just dark man
and it used to be a nightclub
where buzzy
siegel owned it in the 1930s and shit called sea rose
and it was like a mob joint
where like dudes were killed there
you know so it’s got this
weird fucking feel
to it i mean
for sure they chop people up and
threw them in the fucking
freezer in that
place yeah they had this
what’s it called the window
where they said yeah
demar and jerry
lewis used to
watch the opening acts from their
green room the
green one has a window
and we could
still use it
today you go up there and you
watch the main room they said that
where they point out for the bouncers
get him out and get him out so they
wouldn’t have to
go and make a hub up in the room
and just drag him out
they said to kill them
for a lot of reasons but
it’s an amazing club there’s
three comedy
rooms in it there’s an upstairs little tiny one
called the belly room there’s
an original room that’s like 200 seats
right about 200
and then there’s a main room it’s like 400 seats
and the fucking club is just so sick man
so much fun shit has happened in that club it’s a
great development room yeah that’s it it’s the best
place to write material it’s less about like
i don’t know
people are so
understood but
not impressed with you there yeah
you don’t showcase there ever
never you’ll eat it
it’s very possible to eat it the yes
never tape with the kaya to make a
table as everyone
never make a tape at the
store you can
never tell what’s
gonna happen you never tell
we’ve been in so
many situations
where people are
screaming things at each other
fights on stage
always pull his cock out at least
10 times that i know of
if i would be willing to bet money
that he’s pulled his dick out 10 times on that
stage that i saw
you saw yeah
we used to pull
his balls out all the time and just do
it like that i
generally just
balls balls out
this went on to
fuck with brody
stevens so i put my balls he hated
anything homosexual
so i pulled my balls out and left a long
t shirt over them
because i was
gonna bring them on
and i had him out before the entire set
and there were a couple times
where i raised my hand like this and people
would see it just go up
a little bit so i had to be conscious of doing my set
with my hands down the whole time
and then when he got out
because we were doing this
thing called cocking
or i would come behind you
and just put my balls
under your arm or something
just somewhere on your body we
never do it to girls
cause that’s creepy
that’s illegal yeah
these illegal
dudes too but if you call the cops you’re a
bitch yeah but brody
was like don’t you ever do that to me i’m like i’m
gonna cop you
and so once i went to
shake his hand i have to get off i just pulled it in
melted for 15 minutes
regular people man with regular jobs cannot
appreciate that
there’s something very fun and being juvenile
and you know everybody wants to get all
mature and everybody wants to
i guess yeah that’s all well and good but
bottom line is your
this is a temporary life
this is temporary
taking yourself or anything seriously seems done to me
it seems like you
should be having as much fun as possible even the silly
stupid shit even
farting on each other
i don’t care it
could be a hundred years from now farting on people is
still gonna be funny
when joey diaz comes over and
farts on you and then waves his hand in
front of his ass
i mean it’s always
funny it’s always disgusting but it gets warmer
that’s how close it is
the only time
it makes you
angry the only time it
would make you angry you’d have to be so fucked up
in your life like you’d have to be in a terrible place
but if at any
normal time in life when he does that it’s hilarious
if you did to him a date
if you can’t
see him do that
let me do this
you get a military
what are you doing here you eating dinner
hey hello miss very nice to meet you
here we go motherfucker bam
look at that
put down your fucking spaghetti and smoke it
oh that’s nice to meet you
sorry about that one your dog
light up
i’ll give it right back he would definitely do that
he’s stolen more lighters from me
i should have lighters with fucking homing beacons
put a little beep beep beep beep beep
he’s always talk about it going to
seven eleven shit steel
and steals got to take her some and he doesn’t like
the airport is that
steal the air but it’s like
by thirty minutes we’re gonna miss like don’t
he still do it dude he just he doesn’t
do it TikToks
remember when we went to mcdonald’s and it was one of
those places where you grab like a quarter
pounder you grab your fries then you go to the cashier
you go i got a quarter pounder fries he’s just like
quarter pounder here quarter
pounder here some french fries in my shirt
get out of here remember the time i stole that food
dude you just gave him up
huh you just gave him up on the internet i’m talking
about duncan try some
brian and i were
waiting for
food once and i forgot to wait in line
and then somebody kept
ordering yelling out taquitos
taquitos and nobody picked them up so i said fuck it
oh that’s right
you did it that’s
right i forgot
you guys are killing me man
wow that was
scary it was
scary we hate so fast i mean
i got caught
for shoplifting was when cds
first came out
and i was like 12 or 13 or something
i wanted a cd
so bad i had
a cd player for my birthday but had one cd it was the
ghostbuster ii
soundtrack so
i was like i need a new cd this
soundtrack sucks and so
i went to the
store with my friend and
i stole three cds
and got caught
and it was so embarrassing because the cds were paula
abdul mc hammer
and something else like van
halen or something like that but
then his family
both of our families had to come when i did
getting caught shoplifting i got
i got caught shoplifting shoplifting
i got caught
shoplifting when i was
about thirteen i
stole a candy bar
and we were
about to leave and go to the movies
and as i’m walking out of this
store this guy came up and
grabbed my arm
really i hate
sitting here me too
fucking went to a pan he goes
what you put in your pocket what
what is this why you got a
candy bar in your pocket like i totally
didn’t even need to do it i just want to see if i
could do it
i had done it a couple of times
i’d stolen like gum or something like that and
i just kept doing it you know when you’re a kid you do
yeah just do it i
think i was 13 i was like 12 i
think but the
thing is you
would have gotten
away with it you
would have got in
trouble with
your parents no i was 13 because i was living in boston
yeah my parents but that’s terrible yeah my parents
never found
out about it i don’t
think i don’t
think they even told
my parents they just told me get the fuck out of there
like candy bar
they give a shit
like we could hold you we can
bring you to jail
and i just said like i’m
sorry i know i did it i’m
stupid i’m sorry i apologize
and i said i got away i told the
truth i said i got
away with it before and for whatever reason i thought i
could get away with it
and they go get the fuck out of here don’t ever come
i kept fucking
catch you doing this
i’m gonna put you a fucking jail
big mustache
big fucking fat head he got my face i was like yes sir
yes sir thank you
thank you very much
yeah i’m glad i got caught
cause if i didn’t i’d probably
i was so addicted
to it because when nintendo came out also
there was a
place called
yeah service
merchandise they didn’t know
about video games they just put them on the
shelf so me and my friend were like ooh
ooh ooh they put 10 in our pants
and then we
would bury it outside of
the store and get it back
later because we didn’t want to
come home and
have one of
those video
games in high
school got busted
stealing like
a thousand dollars
worth of shit
she got in like some real
trouble wow
she last time i girls are
you mom and i saw
these pair of sunglasses i thought were cool
and i put in my pocket as i’m walking out the door my
get this thing goes off
right now right i’m
fuck what am i doing and i was like
seventeen right
it was like enough
where i’m like they’ll just charge me
right not cute
yeah it’s it’s
scary shit my
girlfriend at the time i
think she was fifteen when she got caught
but she just
wanted nice
clothes everybody had nice
clothes and
she was also
raised without her dad
i think when people
are raised without her dad very unbalanced you know
more subjects do crazy shit
her mom worked all day
you know her mom didn’t
have enough
money to take care of her
she couldn’t like put her in like a really
nice daycare so you grew up you know single parent
or single single parent single child
you grew up a little crazy
you know she just thought she
could get away with it she thought she was
smart she was pretty
smart she thought she’d get away with
either because she
was raised with no dad or raised with too much dad yeah
she wasn’t like that come here
she wasn’t fucked up like that
she was just a little crazy
you ever look back on
chicks that you knew when you’re in high
school and say what if i got her pregnant
if i had a fucking kid with her what if i was
still connected to her
what if i was pregnant and didn’t have
money to do the real answer
well could you imagine though
i mean not having
money is one thing
that does suck
but being young and not having
money and trying to figure out how to raise a
child you’re
still trying to figure out yourself
you make the best of your life you
would definitely make the best of your life
it’s so hard not to project on those people
we’re like oh your life
sucks but it’s like no it’s not that bad
they’re fine i would hate to fuck it up i
would hate to fuck up
to raise a kid
when you’re like a kid yourself man
you could do some
irreparable damage to that fucking kid you could
teach them something
some really terrible behavior patterns
model them after you may
think about how dumb you were when you were 18 yeah
now imagine you are
black you had aids and you’re
yeah you live in another country how
about you just like prices that’s what you
mean prices yeah
i haven’t seen it but i could imagine how about you
pour the congo
how about that
but you’re one of
those dudes that fucking
steal fishes by hanging a net over a fucking moving
river from a tree
they hang with their feet from fucking trees and
scoop nets into the water
dude it’s nuts because the
river is raging and if they’re not even wearing
safety vests if they fall in that
water they might be fucked
there’s some video these guys living in the congo
that are catching fish by doing that
it is wild to see man
they are living
right now the way the fucking
navi lived in avatar
no bullshit except they don’t
they don’t fly inside
really great yeah it’s not cool
all the uncool
now really when they come at you
they’re killing
things with spears and
bows and arrows and you
know they’re fishing with nets
while they’re hanging from fucking trees it’s local
it’s crazy shit man
and these guys are living in
2010 they don’t have shit
they don’t have
lights they don’t have electricity
they don’t have anything they have no
lighters they don’t have shit
occasionally you
see one of them will be wearing like western underwear
like somebody got them some fucking
underwear or
one of them will be wearing a
t shirt or some shit
and from the gap and you’re like wow this is crazy
and here they are living in
these straw
huts in the middle of the fucking jungle surrounded by
monsters you know
that is a scary
scary life man
and that could easily been us
you know you didn’t have
to be born when you were born i didn’t have to be born
where i’m born
you could totally fuck up and all of a sudden
you wouldn’t know any different though yeah
you wouldn’t know any different but goddamn how
lucky are we
i mean yeah you
would be probably okay i mean people there’s a lot of
i look and i
think they’re
dumb they look down on our lifestyle and like
look at them
they don’t even know if they
could have been born here in afghanistan
had a good luck
yeah it’s good
they’re proud to live in shitty towns
there’s a lot of people that are
proud to live in pittsburgh
you know i’m saying
for real you know you talk
to people that fucking love pittsburgh i’ll be here
till i die fucking pittsburgh is the only town for me
dude you need to go to australia
cause let me
tell you something man everyone’s friendly the
women are gorgeous
everyone’s cool as fuck
everyone’s super
super relaxed
every third
place joe logan
goes to visit
it says is the
greatest place everybody wants to move there
i always have this instinct to get out of
la i came so
close i was gone
look at me just when i thought it was over they
dragged me back in
they fucking
they got me back
the wife got
knocked up and the mountain lion
ate the dog and
snow came the accident on the hills
too much i got crazy i
tried to move her
right to the
mountains that’s that was the big fucking you take
steps i should have
to boulder and got like a little take over
base there then move
i got this fucking very
strong desire to have like a base very far away from
the majority of
civilization like i have these
crazy and it’s not
crazy thoughts of like the end of the
world it’s just like i just want no one around
or even do that here it’s like
any reason you have to be in la
is 45 minutes away
well here you
know in light traffic yeah
have you always played like that or
yeah is that something that i’ve knit recently
no i’ve always been like that
i’ve moved further
and further away from the hives from the moment i
moved to la when i
first moved to la i had an
apartment in
north hollywood
then i bought
that i rented a
house and then see
now and then
i kept going further and further out you
know and my next move man i’m gonna
i’m gonna stay in
california but
i think i’m
gonna get a
place in big bear
i want to go to get a
place up in the mountains you know
yeah maybe i
should buy his
place there you go i
want to sell
i wonder if she’ll sell it i wonder if lin
even uses it
you don’t want that jug of
spirits what the fuck there’s junky
spirits in that fucking
house cop trucker
what are you trying to do
worship and
satan joe rugby junky
spirits maybe
you’re right
maybe that’s
you know what i
would like to get just a little
cabin just somewhere
where i can just go and just
hear nothing
that’s what i love the most
it was beautiful
i mean you went to that
place later
when you are out that window
when we’re on the
porch and you listen you don’t hear a fucking thing
it’s you hear
the silence it’s like a very specific
sound of its own
i heard in the redwoods
because the canopy so so high
above the ground
there’s no real
birds and there’s no real insects there
because the
stuff i don’t know how it falls that’s just nothing
going on so it
really is just silence occasionally you hear a squirrel
you know you see one but
generally it’s just like nothing’s happening
i gotta go back to that that suck
no man it’s supposed to be just like
miles and miles around i went
when i was a kid and we
drove our car through that
wood tree yeah
i wanna do that
that’s how douchey people are
fucking trees been around for like a million years
this gigantic fucking tree that’s as big as this room
so what do they do
they carve a big hole in the center of it so people can
drive their cars
the fucking tree
this is like a
novelty goof
like they carved out well that’s what the
road was right
that knocked
the tree down
oh they did that’s
where the road was
they didn’t have to do that
i mean it seems like more
humane to kill the tree than to use it
it’s a fucking tree you
know what trees can feel they just can’t communicate
you know that’s a very
valid argument
you know we don’t know we know that there’s
i don’t know if this has been
validated but there’s been all sorts of studies that
prove that trees
like feel something like there’s an
electrical impulse when you snip them
i will tell
you this there was an episode of mama’s family
in which the goofball
son here’s a
study that says cauliflower can feel pain
broccoli does not have that same problem
maybe that was
where all the workers are
that’s not real
but who the fuck knows man you know
who knows if it
doesn’t hurt
their feelings when you eat them
who knows is not a good enough reason to two or not
to do anything you
could argue that
video game characters
could probably feel
maybe they’re playing us they
might you know
when you kill them
maybe you’re fucking somebody up in another dimension
right that video
game how do you know that has feelings as much as i’m
fucking cabbage
you know that’s just
it starts getting
ridiculous if
you have lips then
who care you know
you have to have lips and then
some people
say they won’t eat anything that has a face
really yeah
yeah there’s like people who will eat
they’ll eat
things like they’ll eat like clams
and they’ll eat like some shellfish
they won’t eat anything with a face
what is that
thing speaking of faces
creeping me out
some ass cheap but it’s got someone’s
mouth there not mine
though it’s some girls so very
brian just comes up with
weird if you see
those little
weird ass banners
we’re talking about the
thing it’s on my website it’s on joe rogan
net wow those
weird bands it’s all bronze
you know i like to
throw in a lot of like subliminal
porn into it because it works
yeah because you’re like what the fuck is this
when it makes
you look at the poster
pussy lives down there
by the end yeah
it makes you look at the poster
where like a lot of times if it’s just you with a
microphone it’s like okay yeah whatever
right you’re right
you just know
i love on that
but i think if you just
brighten the contrast in there
people would be even more excited
where that end is
i thought i
could see something
right yeah isn’t it
funny that that’s
exciting to almost see some
tits or some
pussy but you can see just
you can just go to
different websites dick
ass on the internet
video yeah that’s why
that’s why i can’t live in a mountain
man cause if there’s
like into the road shit happens i need to be around
pussy just in
case if i have to meet
i got disgusted by
porn last night
it’s not even an end of the world
you got discussed
it was like
it was like overload
just too much to too many days in a row to
where i was like yeah
oh that’s why they doing this sometimes i overload
the road the road sometimes like it’s
too much porn
i just i see it as like our
mating animals
either that or this way
where i just feel empathy for the women
how about when you beat off and like only a
dribble comes out because that’s all you got left
wow like a great
three day air force
you off like
three times in a day yeah and you didn’t
think you’re doing it because you’re trying to get some
sleep like in the morning
sometimes i wake up and i’ve got up too
early i’m like i can
sleep in i need my
sleep let me just jerk off real quick
so i’ll jerk off
and then i’m like getting
ready to go to the gym like
a little horny before i go to the gym
maybe i should jerk off
and then i’ll jerk off
and then i’ll go and do the show
and then i go to the show do
stand up before you go to the
for jiu jitsu
sometimes don’t
that i don’t
want you to i’ll make your balls
i’ll be watch
three times already
i always watch for jujutsu
very conscientious
listen everybody jerks off
and then goes to jujutsu everybody that goes to jujutsu
jerks off and then goes there it’s just a matter of
how long ago was that
often yeah was it a
month ago was it a
year ago and if they like to wipe it or they go with it
that’s true you
never know you
never know you can’t
trust people
trust no one
but then i’ll go
get home from the gig i’ll do a gig
i’ll be mired
and then i’ll
kinda get some
sleep so i’ll beat off and i’ll get some
sleep what about the times like out of nowhere just oh
i was talking to ari
about this he’s a
sprayer like when
he jerks off it just blows up
oh yeah yeah
that happens
to me once in a
while and it ties
the fuck out of me
why does it do that
you like hold
down the tip like a garden hose and try to spray
something like
that that’s probably the way i do it
i don’t know
maybe he’s just got a lot of fucking
oop behind his load
just because you
your loads come a spider no you know i think
when it’s whatever
it’s not me
oh so it’s a girl doing it
or me if i’m doing it for whatever it’s like beat off
or if she does it just fucking
well let’s be honest
about something what is better what is better
getting a great load a
great load shooting a great load or taking a great shit
i would go the great load
a great load but not by much man not by much
sometimes here’s
the question
a great load or a great
sandwich so here’s the question here’s
even though
how many times have you shot a load
and then you realize oh my god now i have to talk this
crazy bitch
that i just shot a load with and
she’s out you’re trying to get the fuck out of there
and you’re tired
and you realize you got to
drive an hour to get doesn’t matter
and that’s it wants
to stay over you like i can’t i have to feed the dogs
like any kind of craziness that
goes on you like oh my god what do i do with my life
whereas when you take a shit there’s none of that i
think here’s
the deal and that’s just a load in your shit
and i think
you’ve just had sex a lot more than
brian and i
so you’re actually a
little more like
interested in it than
we are we’re like yeah whatever
but we’re like what sex every
once a year
every now and then i
enjoy a good shit
i really appreciate the morning ones
sometimes you wake up and you go oh jesus
some years as well
you get to tell just like i eat a lot of
salad you know my shit goes
quick so it’s like
see my shits always involved investigating and
identifying what
look at your poop well that’s because
brian’s blood is poop what no
no i made that up i made it up no
all right i
once i had a
hemorrhoid and i had to get a i already talked
internal hemorrhoid yeah
so that’s why i have to investigate
i think i uploaded poops sometimes i just like it
whoa what just interesting to
me i find it when i go to wipe like oh was that a wet
or shit sitting
i was like oh no it’s super wet you
never tell a
story about it i just like it didn’t hurt though
it would tell a
story about
when i first started wearing a cappin jiu jitsu
i didn’t yeah
and i had to
start wearing a cup because i was rolling with einstein
and he was trying to pass my guard and he
slammed his knee
right into my dick
like not even
really my the shin hit my balls but the knee
hit the dick if that
pass i’m surprised i didn’t have a lot more why are you
covering your head because i hate this story
okay sorry but people
out here it
slammed it in
my dick it hurts so much it was so fucking painful
but so i wait
till i feel better
i take a couple of minutes to
catch my breath and then we
start rolling
again i didn’t
think anything of it
until i get
changed i go in the locker room and i go to take my
g pants off
and i go to take my
underwear or my
jockstrap off and it’s filled with blood
filled with blood
blood is leaking out of the tip of my dick and i’m like
oh my god i
broke my dick
so then i go into the bathroom and pee
so i go to pee and
blood is just coming
right out of tip my dick
blood and urine
so then i started
thinking about it
okay i got a problem i
gotta do something now i got i got a problem i
might have to get my dick
fixed and like holy shit
and i thought
about i’m like okay but wait a minute
if this was my nose if
blood was coming out of my nose
would i do anything
about it no i
wouldn’t do shit
about it i would just let it heal
okay let’s just
let’s just let your dick heal and see how it goes
so i get home that
night and i say well i don’t know man
maybe i should go to the fucking doctor
okay if my dick can get hard i’m not
gonna go to the doctor
so i jerked off
i jerked off and i shot a bloody load is it pink
no it’s like
like a chicken egg that has the embryo in it ah
you know what i’m talking
about you get a chicken egg
that’s in the philippines that’s a yeah
balloon is like an actual embryo like a big ass
much more close to
kosher if you get one drop of blood in
which you get all the time and
throw it out can’t use it
so he can crack eggs separately
no it makes
sense you don’t know what the fuck happened that
thing’s bleeding in there and that
blood is just well then it
means it’s human life as we kill different not
humanized a lot
yeah well not only that it’s probably smart for like
health reasons that blood is just sitting in that egg
i think an egg can keep probably better than blood can
you know who knows
with the blood i mean that’s just speculation sure
bottom line is i jerked off to see if my dick was okay
and i all hurt myself no it didn’t feel that good
it wasn’t like the best
jerk off session i’ve ever had
but then the next day i peed
blood a couple more times i
peed blood just a little bit less
every time for like three days
and then i stopped there was no more blood i said i
think it’s okay i think it would have only
taken one day and i would have
freaked out and went right to the okay well
it didn’t hurt that’s why did you giggle it at all no
no i did thank god
well i was thinking
what i was worried about was it was gonna break
you know i was like my dick is not gonna work anymore
yeah you know
i’m infinite we have to cut it off
ew imagine if you could gangrene if it rotted
you would have
to hack your dick off
they have to rebuild
one they have to take a
chunk out of meat out of your forearm i saw that online
a dude had his dick rebuilt or maybe it was like a
woman who had a dick rebuilt to become a man
that could be a fake dick oh
that’s so crazy
wouldn’t you
be concerned at all at the time and i’m not joking
that the doctor
would be like if you hadn’t gotten hard so fast
would be okay
but the fact that it broke that
seal or something
you weren’t
worried about that
i was thinking that
maybe my loads
would purify whatever injury i had in there
my soldiers go to work on it
patch it up
i thought urine would do that i think you know
urine is supposed to heal things so if you pee
and you have a little
wound inside your dick it’s probably good to piss out
blood probably cleans it out probably on sterile
yeah you’re in sterile it’s good for you i
bet it probably does but
that was a close call so from then on i wear a cup
so no blood in my shit but some bloody loads
it’s a bloody pee pee
so glad let’s get
hot josh with
white and red
yeah it’s beautiful beautiful what you
so glad what i don’t do shit that involves having to
wear a cup so people won’t hit my nuts so i don’t pee
blood yeah well
i never want one
jiu jitsu you
should wear one dude
i’ll get an
extra one on here too
he likes everyone
i swear that
sounds fishy
i just smell like ben gay
i tried it on dude i’m out
with fucking dave’s insanity sauce and
it won’t even kick it until you start sweating
did you imagine oh my god
your dick would be on fire
i pissed was
after i had a burrito with dave’s insanity
sauce and i just
i don’t know i must have got some residue
on my finger and i touched the head of my dick
and it was like it was melting like a mexican blowjob
it was what
yeah it’s like that frog the
table the sunflower seed peppers
sunflowers whereas in israel they had
these huge sunflower seeds that look that big
and so people
would always take it from me when i sit at my desk
so i wanted to punish the people who didn’t ask
so i spent all day and i
crushed up hot habanero peppers
took the seeds out and put one seed
inside each sunflower seed oh my god and then
i would leave that in front so people ask
like no no here’s the normal ones but if they wouldn’t
they just fucking get it most people can’t
stand the heat
but do not wash
off my hands peed and just had a shower with my
pants around my
ankles and it just
started like ow ow oh
it’s like this it’s like yeah
and you’re like what’s happening you put soap on it
water how about dudes to get
their dick tattooed
yeah what the fuck man how much must that hurt
ah stop the
sensitive area hasn’t
built up any tolers tattoo
jesus christ man it
feels really gay it feels awesome
getting your dick
yeah maybe it’s just like hard
sex but probably harder
no brian wants to get fucked
i wonder if anybody’s
tattooed a dick had him come on them
oh my gosh who cares if that happened put the
on the balls just
squirts all
over you they
definitely have gotten
hard before
their attempts that’s
definitely happened
not even on purpose
not even a purpose
it could just be incidental
especially like really
crazy freaky gay bondage type dudes you know
has bravo been on that
tattoo show yet
yeah i know
it’s aired i don’t know i mean
i think they film the
whole season in advance and he just did it a couple
months ago it’s a good ass tattoo man a chicken
she’s a really good artist
eddie bravo got his
tattooed on his chest
it’s incredible
by kat von d
yeah incredible artwork man
i fucking love
those tattoos i don’t have any of them but i love
those portraits
yeah they could be creepy i think it is creepy
creepy like oh my god well
unless it means something you like for eddie his
grandmother was like the person who really cared
about emily
some dude that went to high school
with you help me
imagine if you went to high school with a kid
and then all said you run into him and he’s got you
tattooed on his arm
he’d be like listen man it’s ironic
we just picked you out of the yearbook at random
don’t be worried
about it you ever see that crazy bitch that’s got i’m
gonna kill you ray romano tattooed on her back no
yeah does she hate ray ramona no she just did it like
because you know everybody loves raymond was out oh
did you get that tattooed
tattooed as a
tramp stamp it says i’m
gonna kill you ray ramona and
so she’s taking
pictures out people
on the internet yeah
how crazy is that
bitch i mean if that
bitch ever has kids
and the kids can
never take her
seriously like mom listen to me you dumbass
you’ve got i’m
gonna kill you ray
romano on your fucking back who’s ray
romano like
there was a
populace at
decisions bitch
that might have been your best impression brian
hey it’s kermit the frog no it’s
hilarious that guy i
started working with him like way way back in the
early 90s we did
jimmy’s comedy alley and
thing was in
queens somewhere in new york
thing was in queens and
he he was the headline i was the middle
i got to see him like when he was at his peak
he’s a really really good
stand up man when he came back
to it he was good so yeah
it’s interesting well he’s always good he’s just he’s
just got great delivery
you know he’s just a and he’s a
super nice guy
is he super
clean back there
yeah he’s always been kind of
clean you know
i mean not completely
clean like he did a bit on
kevin bean’s show last year yeah the
april foolishness hilarious bit
about if guys
could blow ourselves we
would have to wear like a dog collar
it was really fun get more into it now so you couldn’t
so you keep your husband from blowing himself you
would have to put it like one oh girls
would have to
it’s very funny man
it was a really good bit that i
might like bond or something
no no no it
was very funny he had a
bunch of good
stuff you know
just i mean even
stuff like about sun pooping
you know you
think it’s like
his innocent
job but it’s really well worded and
great timing and a really
good economy of words he’s a really good craftsman
you know with his material
that’s why his show was so
funny that guy
i met him you know years and
years you steal his job
i did i didn’t
steal his job i know
luckily somebody else i
stole it from that
crew the guy the pilot
yes yes he got it and then they fly they didn’t
want him for the actual show and then they hired me
that’s what happened so i didn’t feel bad
there was already
a guy before me i just took it from him
but ray was a friend
so it was weird to run into him
but then all of a
sudden he got his show
which was like 100 times more
successful when
it was radio and
was perfect because he controlled the
whole thing
and when we were hanging out when
we first got the show
was me and him and
kevin kevin
james we’re all eating dinner at
jerry’s deli
and ray was like obsessive um
maybe if i have the guy come in like this and just kept
going he was like obsessed
don’t show yeah just
putting it together perfectly you know he was really
electronic constructed in his head
you know he was obsessed with it it wasn’t
it wasn’t any
good luck at all
with him i heard with him
that he had taped this hbo special
back when it really meant something
and they were
holding it for like a year year and a half
where they’re like
no we’re not
ready to release
it because we want to do this he’s like
i just i’m broke
i need some
money please people will see it
right wow so
those stories i
have no idea that’s always a concern
when you have
a special and you film it you don’t own it and this
is that before the internet
you know you
could really get
crazy you know i’m
gonna fucking release this on the internet
you guys can suck my dick if you really like crazy
you know if they caught you though you were fucked
they caught you and they could
prove that you took away the profits for your own thing
like they pulled my shit from youtube my own shit yeah
they’ve had that yeah
that’s nuts
when your own bits get pulled off your own youtube page
brian give me the advice
copyright for
the hbo studies that don’t say hbo
as i’ll do searches for that
that’s very
smart oh brian
that’s right
yeah do you put that up online your hbo
set some of it
are they gonna do more of
those the down
dirtys no no more no
they didn’t like it
i didn’t think up ratings or something
they promote it
yeah not really
hbo does not really handle comedy that well
it’s just they
decide to promote
again yeah which they decide to promote but too
often like it seems like they’re just trying to put
things that are like different so
it’s not like
that new one is all sober comedy
that’s a new
series of with boss and norton
wow really all sober
wow people the good
thing about that
is a lot of the guys that are sober sober for a reason
all right yeah
so they’ve got some
great stories
yeah you know so they’re
no it ain’t church sobriety
this is like
i fucked up my life sobriety there’s a lot
of dudes like
that there was a lot of dudes they were doing a
clean clean
christians of comedy tour yeah
they were like
bankloads oh my god and they would all
corporate arenas
they would do
arenas like big church
arenas in the
south like giant fucking places
and just terrible
terrible hackneyed
and he came in and he said ma’am that’s not my hat
seriously though
it’s all for him
just really like
you know and
this is a big push
for that with a lot of people like they want the lowest
standard possible
you’re gonna
submit you’re gonna
you’re gonna broadcast the lowest possible
standard and there’s so many people that
wanna hear that whether it’s in country
music or it’s sarah palin talking
or it’s you know they want they want no
no difference between you and them
you are just as smart as them
you don’t talk down and in fact
you talk them up
and make them out to be much more than they really are
and that’s like a big and if you’re religious
like it’s for the
grace of god
or whatever they get into it it’s like cool it’s so
crazy it’s so
spooky that
our culture has made
things so easy for
idiots to survive
i mean most of what
there’s so many people that do so many different
things that are so useless
and they’re
going to be replaced by
robots he said
i’m the simpsons
ned flairin is what they watch
like the comedy concert and he goes
that was the
worst christian
rock concert i’ve ever seen he goes to the ticket
simon says chris rock
he goes somebody f words
that’s hilarious
oh that’s hilarious
the worst christian rock
show ever that’s hilarious
yeah i just think
it’s so easy to be a retard
these days because there’s so many
other people that you join with
did you ever see the video
i think the guy was a comic
who interviewed
these people waiting to see
sarah palin at a book signing
there was like a
whole fucking
giant line of people and it’s like
three degrees outside
they’re freezing
their ass off and they’re waiting for
hours to come in and meet
sarah palin
and so this dude
goes and interviews them and ask some questions what
would you like
about miss palin’s policies that
it’s all the same nonsense nobody has a clue
but in all fairness i’ve seen the same
thing with obama
you know when they interviewed people that
yeah they got no idea obama
they just know he’s
black and he’s talking really good and
he’s good who did the thing
i think it was bubba
buoy or stuttering john or something so it
might have been
stern i might have been let out but they went
or maybe someone else
completely but they went downtown
and asks about
what do you
think about
obama what do you
think was running mates
sarah palin
people like god i
think she’s
great i think
she’s great like who do you are you a democrat
or republican
republican and they’re like
what about you know
you know i’ve been like that forever i
watched that gonzo that
got no idea
thomas thompson
yeah and back
in you know the 1970s when he was writing fear and
loathing on the campaign trail
it was the same
thing they were asking all
these different people like who you voting for
no one had a fucking clue yeah
why anybody was
no not that guy okay
no not that guy and i was like
who the fuck you voting for
and that guy’s vote
counts just
absolutely just
as much scholar
yeah they’re like
obama so you know he wants to go to war
with iraq more how do you feel about that
well i’m for it
what do you
think that their
obama has any say
or do you think it’s all horse shit
what do you
think literally happens when you win
do you think that you’ve been
briefed before
you ever win
and said this is what’s
gonna happen you’re gonna be
given an agenda you’re gonna be
asked to follow a certain protocol
you will consult with
these people before any decision before any
press conference
will be reviewed
i mean is that
some of that but i think
they’re also just met with
with checks and balances it’s way harder to get
things done than you think
right you know
i have to make allegiances and you have to give certain
things in order to get like
all that definitely you know
definitely there’s
definitely a lot of that there’s definitely
one just get some done it’s not that easy no
no it’s not
but okay but what’s with
him saying that he
want was it all bullshit that he
didn’t want to have
troops over there
and then all of a
sudden he pulls
them out of iraq and sends them off to afghanistan
what does that
all cause i
think he realized like oh
i can’t just pull them out
that creates a vacuum of
power that will be
terrible and
what i wanted to do now i know more and i can’t is
that what it does
you know i think what they’ve got to do at some
point in time they’ve got to have some
if they really want to
to get people to like
the united states in
other countries
there has to be some massive goodwill operation
where we go to
these impoverished
countries these
places that have been
wrecked by war
by devastation by all
these different
things that are
going on and we have to help the fuck out of them
because if we don’t do that
then other people are
gonna look at us and go
why would we look up to the united
states just because it used to be
just because it’s the biggest
superpower because they have the most missiles
why would we give a fuck about them
and if the people at the very top aren’t the most
generous then
the whole system
below you seems unfair
and people get
fucking pissed off there’s something in the
whole testament or
light unto the nations
yes this will
lead by example of what you want them to do sure if
you’re in that position if you’re in the position to be
generous if you’re in the position to help
if you’re in the position
it’s just we’re just ganking
shit that’s the problem
we want the oil fuck you give us that natural
gas suck it
you know where’s
those poppy seeds
where’s the heroin
grown right here shut the fuck up and sit down
we’re bringing
in guns and tanks and fucking jets and we’re gonna have
spaceships that fly around you by remote control and
shoot missiles into canyons yeah
dude you ever
watch those
videos online they have
videos of them
launching missiles from like helicopters and shit at
these people that are
walking with donkeys
i mean it’s fucking nuts man
they’re walking
you see him like walking up the hill and we’ve got the
target show engaged
you see it like in this have
arms the right
case i who the
fuck knows what they’re doing i mean you know it
could have been somebody who said the
wrong thing to some fucking general
who knows i don’t know what they did i mean i’m just
watching a video
it could be that they’re you know some high
level operatives and they’re moving through
their secret cave hideouts and
who the fuck knows john hepron’s watching
powerful john heffron
that was the
also the comedy club at skyline comedy
in wisconsin
what are you saying
skyline comedy club is watching
and they were like come to
appleton wisconsin
um where’s john heffern
playing next
where is john heffern
playing next
i’ve only been to wisconsin
once and went to some
crazy summer festival
they have really
yeah it was awesome it was an outside
and ten thousands of people was it awesome outside
yeah it was a really
great crowd
but it was like a lot of people with
babies and shit i’m just saying all this
nasty shit i’m like i’m
sorry folks
babies don’t bother me nearly as
much as the fucking baby
yeah there was kids too man there was everybody
and i was i did all my shit because there was a lot of
young people in the
front like there was a
majority was like hundreds and hundreds of
young people
and then behind them there was like a
mixed bag but
the people that were sitting were all like
you know your
average comedy club audience there was just a
bunch of people outside and the people were
standing up and walking around
and it’s in a big
giant tent it was so strange
but i only do it once because i was too
dirty they would not have me back
john heffron’s in atlanta
where’s yeah punchline punch line
powerful john heffron very very funny guy
funnier every time i see him we’ll see him
john heffron is great he should come to arizona
well i think john heffron will tell you that he
would love to come to arizona
if the improv
comes with the shekels
you know i’m saying
you gotta come with the shekels for my man john heffron
so what do you think
about lil wayne lil wayne went to jail
it’s about time
you think so
just another one
ari little wayne
he is crazy
tattooed up have you seen how much it’s whole
bodies though
yeah we got to put that online for people who
haven’t seen it because it’s it’s fucking bizarre
like it’s so
crazy like it’s
hard to believe that this dude has this many tattoos
i mean like his
whole body’s fucking tattoo
ready to wrap it shut the fuck up we’re looking for lil
wayne tattoos
i need some coffee song
i got so much shit to do
what do you have to do i have to go to macy’s okay
sounds hard what are you what are you gonna do there
right away i
would never
trade lives with you
right off the bat that just
sounds so horrible
there was no way i wish i had upon my
worst enemy
okay gotta go to
macy’s i got a
macy’s yeah
it’s hard to find
a new one oh here’s a good one here’s a good new one
god damn this dude’s got a lot of tattoos
look at this shit oh my god
that’s incredible
cash money yeah that is
this is incredible
he’s in a position
where it really just
doesn’t matter
because he’s not not gonna get a job yeah well right
man that’s nuts i’ll put this up onto it
is it
it’s crazy man
the dude just went off and tattooed his whole body
that’s like a big issue did you do it all at once no
i don’t know man
soulja boy seems to have
that soulja boy do the same thing tattooed his face
tattooed his hands
tattooed his chest his whole arms
i mean he just went nutty
you’re googling soldier boy you can’t find it you’re
spelling it wrong yeah it’s like like a brother
soldier so u
l j a hollow
and also google
uh soldier boy ice cream kitty
ice cream kitty yeah
powerful sophia sophia
you gotta unblock me from your twitter don’t be rude
i can’t even follow you you are
that rude you guys both fucking bug me too much
we know we can still read it
right but you know we could still read you know
why you have to go
i promise i won’t bug anymore no
it still lets you just go to your we know
website yeah it doesn’t come up in the
stream no not on this
tweet that but we can always go to your pages
yeah come on man please
but you can’t fuck with me when i
complain about wanting to commit suicide
i won’t fuck with you about anything anymore
you don’t really
want to commit suicide you just want to be happier
right would you rather if you had the two options
right well that’s like you don’t really want to
throw a touchdown pass you just want to win
however i get there is fun not like that
it’s not like that at all look this nice
a gamble that’s what lil wayne has to say about it
his whole lot bodies like a fortune cookie
he’s got little
fortune cookie sayings all over his body
wow so weird
that’s like really fucking really bad tattoos man
it’s weird that’s a real trend
that guys are getting these really bad tattoos
it’s like prison tattoos but the crazy
thing is you know cause himself a gangster on this
crazy shit but he goes to jail and the
first thing he did was go into protective custody
oh cause they’re afraid of
how do you do that you just apply
that’s a good question man
i think you just have that in the plea
ahead of time like
you can’t put them down okay
say my client is you know
a very wealthy man who
you know a lot of people
could get a name off beating him up and he’s
not a very big man and he’s concerned for his safety
one of my favorite
things is when
idiots like us
try to walk through the law
and what we
would say to a
judge in order to get
things done
we’re only going off
on one episode
it was sort of
guessing yeah old episodes the fall guy
i think what you have to do is tell the
judges your honor
do you remember
when tv shows had you convinced that you
could tell it like if a cop was like
undercover copy you say are you a cop
and they have to tell you the
truth what yeah i’m a cop she got me
got off this time lefty
but next time are you
yeah they were
never gonna
trick me right you guys are
never gonna
trick me like what
they would never do that
they don’t have to tell you they’re cops that’s
ridiculous you’re doing something
illegal a cop can let you do that illegal shit
they can do illegal shit with you
they can do fucking cocaine
with you to arrest you for cocaine
how about that
that’s legal
then get away with it yeah
how nutty is that
because if they go
undercover they’re
gonna have to do drugs with you
if you’re doing drugs and you want to be a part of some
motorcycle gang
and the motorcycle gang is doing drugs
you gotta do drugs no way you’re not
going to be
on tv then i was like
i don’t just dump it off a side but
one special episode
where they had to do it yes exactly
they throw it they fake it
oh amazing stuff
i’ll give you an antidote pill this will immediately
nullify the cocaine so as soon as you take it
make your way into the bathroom
it almost got a
drug great for job interviews yeah exactly i mean
it’s just you hear
about that all the time with dea
agents the dea
agents get addicted
to drugs because they have to do them with
these fucking people to get in with them
and then also i think
they just see that fucking lifestyle and they become
crazy they see how many people are getting away with it
i think if you
were in the position to really be investigating drugs
in this country
you would see there’s so much drugs coming in it’s like
an unstoppable
force and you would
start wondering
what are we putting our resources towards
why isn’t this shit
legal where they can tax it and make
money off of it
you know why can’t they just go
after the illegal people there
it’s just like prohibition
when prohibition happened in the 30s all that shit did
or in the 20s
it was like one of
them like 1933 or something
all it did was
just made people
that were more dangerous sell it
made people that
weren’t afraid to
break the law
it just made organized
crime strong it kept out of a lot of people’s hands
and myself do you
think so yes it must have
i don’t know man i
think it made people
angry about getting busted with it and selling it but i
think most people i get
drunk i know but aren’t
gonna break the law or really risk it
you know there’s a lot of people who are like oh i
guess we can’t have any more
i mean did you have a researcher or just speculate
i’m just speculating completely
but if they make
cigarettes illegal
completely illegal
there’s a lot of people to stop smoking i wonder if it
would be like catholic
school girls and being whores
right because not all whores
though well
it’s a disproportionate amount yeah there are
some growing up around a lot of catholic
school girls it was common knowledge amongst my friends
that catholic
school girls they go
this religious jewish school
really not well i
think catholicism is so
ridiculous that i
think even like
look when you’re dealing with a religion
where a gigantic percentage of the men
who are in power are fucking little kids
none of them got caught
they said he was gay
it’s another anti
gay rights oh no
no that was roy ashburn
yeah that was the guy who was he was the guy
who died in proposition eight
he got caught he
admitted he was gay
but that guy’s not a priest
he’s not fucking kids he’s just gay all
right you’re
like they’re all the same faggots fucking pedophiles
you lump this guy in with a pedophile priest
but that religion is so
ridiculous that
there’s a giant percentage of the men who are
pushing this
religion are also fucking the horrible pedophiles
that ruin people’s lives
if you know anybody
that’s catholic if you grew up in a catholic community
you know a bunch of people
that have been molested
everybody knows somebody i know two people
that got hit on by priests
i know my friend tony he had a
fight off a priest
and my friend john had a
fight off a priest
they get attacked
these priests fucking drool on them
and breathe on and pull the dicks and my friend bo
another dude i know
three dudes i know
three dudes they’re all catholic i know girl
got money from a settlement
dude there’s so many settlements if you stop and look
do you know new mexico has some
crazy ass fucking law are they used to at one
point in time
where you could
if you had sex with a girl like a man
could not have sex with a girl like it’s normal
age like the
age of consent was like 18
but if a man had sex with a boy the
age of consent was like 13
really it’s fucking crazy
and the reason why supposedly this was enacted
is that the catholics church
put pressure on them to keep this in
place so they can fucking ship all their
crazy boy ass
sweet boy ass
and they were
i don’t know if this is true
this is all speculation this is all on the internet
but i do know the fact
no no that’s speculation the fact is that the
age of consent for
male to boy was 13
that’s fucking nuts
same sex males was like 13
whereas opposite sex like
boys and girls
what’s really
crazy now is this sexting thing man
where kids are
going to jail for
child pornography because they’re taking
they really they came down at some
point with like a no tolerance i don’t care
if you made it i don’t you can’t have it on your hard
drive no one can have it
and with those laws like we can’t make an
exception for anyone
they are attacking sluts
for for sending
pictures of their
pussy to guys
they’re attacking girls for
being silly
it’s basically the same well they
said this yours i’ll show you mine
we all played
that when we were kids but then the problem is then
it gets out to fucking pedophiles and makes them go
crazy that’s
what they said they don’t want anyone to have it
really so we’re talking
about it again the point is send us some sweet
pictures of your thirteen year old bush right this is
this is important shit
is it has any
other kind
of shit man the idea that you can put kids in jail
because they take pictures of their pussy
you know the dude sends a
picture of his dick to some girl in
school now now he’s locked in a cage
you know that’s silly
people throughout time it’s a charge in
whipping your dick out
if you cover someone’s dick up they’re
gonna want to whip it out
you know we all live
naked and free
you know you wouldn’t have to worry about this shit
but then people
would start fucking way earlier yeah right
we all live
naked and free you wouldn’t be able to trust anybody
everywhere someone will actually fuck by accident
would have to happen i wonder how much
i wonder how much suppression
you know we really have by walking around
naked like how much different we
would be if we walked around naked
you know by walking around all
clothed up i wonder how
much more different our behavior i will tell you this
this is the
comparison is that
so any sort of nudity is
like a novelty
when i was showing
a gear when i
wouldn’t touch
women you know
when i would
touch them even on the arm or something like oh
it was like an electric sort of feel wow they
are way more
sexual so i think
covering up and stopping yourself makes you more sexual
so that if you were
completely unclothed
you’d be way calmer makes it more urgent
when i first came to la and i
first acted in a sitcom
i didn’t like being here i didn’t like
the whole sitcom situation was really bad
it’s a lot of negative energy there’s
a lot of fighting
going on between
the network and the producers and the writers
and i broke up with my
girlfriend and i
moved out here and we were
still talking on the
phone but i didn’t
i didn’t know
anybody here i was out here for a few weeks
i didn’t talk to anybody i didn’t hang out with anybody
and then this chick
we were laughing
about something she gave me a hug on the set
and she gave
me a hug and it was the best feeling in the world
it wasn’t like a regular hug
she hit me with this hug and i was like
it was like i needed it like she gave me a
glass of water like
you know it was just a hug
man she was just being nice and she gave me a nice hug
and rub my back and i was like wow that felt so good
i just felt you need that shit
yeah if you go like a few weeks or a
month without
touching anybody
that guy that we were talking
about earlier that lives in the arctic
he went i think
eight months at one
point by himself
just up there hunting
and he said it was way too much
he said he went crazy
that guy’s just
living wild man you got to see this on vbs tv i
think his name is heimo
heimos arctic refuge just look up arctic
vbs dot tv it’s fucking incredible
man like one of the most incredible documentaries ever
you stop to
think about it like
this guy’s chosen to live like that in this day and
age whereas we
think if we had to live like that
would be hell
like brian how do you
think you would feel if
all of a sudden
dropped off there was no
power and you had to fucking
light fires with wood
and kill animals to stay alive
and it was fucking
freezing cold out and you’re wearing animal skins
and shit and be
awful that’s why
i couldn’t live
on top of a mountain i couldn’t be like that
cause if that shit did happen i don’t
wanna be on top of a mountain doing it all by myself i
wanna be you
know around
but what if you’re around
civilization there’s no food
no one’s growing anything
there’s a lot of mooches and chaos that
would be somewhere
self sustaining
right yeah but i mean
i think it’s
like i mean my family grew up
on farms so you know to me it’s just like wow what just
plant some food you know
everything by the time the
food runs out
you know by
time food runs out we’ll have tomatoes we’ll have
you have to have a serious work
ethic to run a farm
so you can’t
stock off the
three weeks
i didn’t know anything
about farms
until i started working for the ufc
and then you
start talking to guys
as a farmer
yeah guys are real farmers
you know talk like matt hughes and all these guys
when they do like
in depth reports on
these guys in
their life you know
tommy spears is another one like they offered him a
fight recently
and he couldn’t take the
fight because he was in the middle of the harvest
oh well it’s like
that’s real shit you know
these guys they’re
they’re working on
their fucking working man they’re working all day
every day and it’s brutal it’s hard work
and there’s like a
mentality that a lot of
a lot of these guys love the work
there’s something
something very satisfying something
you know that goes back to our days when we
first discovered agriculture
you know it’s like a visceral
human reaction
you feel rewarded
for having produced all this food there’s a fable that
so much juice shit
there’s a fable that god
because he loves his children
gave us a plentiful
cattle and crops
without us having to work for it at all
and the man went
crazy and started warring on itself
well that’s so then he took that
power away then you had to actually toil
the soil and then take
away your collar
brian what are you doing
why unplugging
i gotta take off
yeah i gotta take off too okay don’t just unplug
the show still going on
oh no it’s not doing anything i’m have batteries
to charge you know son
calm down joe um
i don’t remember what we were just talking
about i don’t know either
what were you talking about bro farms and
yeah i think
that’s why hunting this guy kang mo
i think that’s his name that
lived in the arctic that’s why he was talking about
how satisfying it is to be a hunter and gatherer
that he thinks that’s where
civilization fell apart
that man is most
happy when he’s out there providing for
himself he says he loves it he loves living up there
just hunting
and fishing and getting his food that way it makes him
happy it’s like fuck it go for it
maybe there’s something to it though
maybe if you did it too it
would be like
ultra stimulating
maybe i mean i
think first i
think it’s one of
everything everybody’s different situations
he loves it
other people wouldn’t
but he’s doing like natural exercise every day
every day he’s hiking
and he’s shooting caribou and he’s dragging
about caribou back and he’s
cutting the meat and he’s hanging it up
you know i mean it’s not lazy in
front of his computer all day long
he says he’s got a laptop but he’s not online
you know it’s fucking incredible
man it’s really what a wild way to live your life
you know all
right ladies and gentlemen that’s it right yeah
this is a long ass one two and a half
hours bitches that’s how we roll we’re
gonna be the tempe improv this
thursday friday friday saturday
jump on it saturday
night is basically sold out
because it was only like 20 tickets left this morning
the second show is 20 tickets left the
first show sold out
and so it’s
gonna it’s gonna go quick
thank you very much everybody we
appreciate you
tuning in every week you can get it on itunes now
if you go to itunes the joe rogan podcast
is up and you
can download all the ones that we had before
it’s all thanks to that man
thank you that man
thank you to
brian brian put it all together
he does not my new web
class he’s the
ladies and gentlemen
powerful super
genius computer wizard and
so that’s it
folks thanks for
tuning in we’ll see you next week
holland later bye