Joe sits down with John Heffron, and Ari Shaffir.

tell me what we’re gonna do right before we do it
let me say here we go there we go hold on
I need
why have they getting this
they’re not here in the sound
brown they’re not here in the sound
just hits your arm
huh you’re on
but the video’s not making sound
the video is not making sound because it’s not
the program’s just freaking out I do
it it’s too much
john have fun get the fuck off the phone
you’re live in front of
hundreds of people
there I didn’t know
john heffron ladies and gentlemen
winner of lassconic standing
not like those faggots he beat
yeah he’s the goddamn champion
we the first champion of labcon was I was I was 2nd
who the fuck was the first
dead fan
dad fan good old that
was that in any way diminish your accomplishment
what happened to that dude
I don’t know what happened to him
I think he’s he does
well yeah I think he’s that he does a lot of shows and
they sell out and stuff like that
so kiss him dad fans ask he’s got he’s got a
that’s actually a nice guy
yeah that’s the thing a lot of guys like to bag
on the guy for because when he wanted he was really
really green and new
but I don’t fall anybody for that
yeah he’s always been nice to me
he’s been nice to me
I’ve never seen him once do stand up
and I saw him why
I judged the first
last comic standing and he fucking crushed
yeah you did
the last fact that was when
we caught ant stealing material and that’s when
buddy back it screamed at me
right right almost had a heart attack
that was a fucked up story because this dude aunt was
stealing jokes
I mean like book jokes right like
jokes had a movies old garland shit
and you know I’ve complimented him first
to say to your really good performer
you got a lot of energy
you know but I’ve heard that shit before
and then buddy hack it’s time you fucking asshole
who the fuck are you you fucking is how
my cat just got scared spaz spaz
come here baby
come here she got scared
when I use my buddy hacket voice she gets scared
give me baby spouse
come here you want to be on tv
he’s not doing more buddy hack voices
come here honey
anyway the story was with buddy hackett
when I when I started
when I started saying that this cow steel material
buddy hackett
got really upset because
but you know buddy hackett’s like an old school
like he’s a comic from like you know
the cat scales days and those guys all stole material
you know they all did
each other’s jokes and there was no internet back then
yeah right wasn’t even any fucking tv
you had some gags and he did him and nobody knew
yeah and if you didn’t do your gags first
you know the guy in front of you did him
you know I mean you know it’s funny is a lot of guys
from that era
like everyone bob newhart’s famers for the phone bit
yeah bob newhart’s famous for
he’s like on the phone and he’ll do one
sided the one sided phone conversation
to larry’s but there’s a lot of guys
from that era who did the same
phone bit so
well well
anyway while
he was yelling at me
there was a part of me that wanted to go
shut the fuck up
you old cocksucker
but I didn’t
I swap and he died two weeks later
which means he was real close to death that night
so if I yelled at him
he might have killed over and fucking died right there
and it was there was a
ten percent ten percent of me
that was like why am I listening to this old douchebag
because my philosophy on old people has always been
that old assholes were assholes and they were young
they just survived you know right
you just became an asshole when you turned 80
that guy’s a douchebag
I thought about yelling at him but I said you know what
that’s not gonna help anybody
and I’m like what’s the point
it’s all on television so everyone’s gonna see this
guy’s material they’re gonna see what’s going on
everyone’s gonna know what happened so
I did not think
so here we are with
john heffron neural linguistic programming freak
john heffron is
recalibrating his mind
he’s had some very negative
patterns that he was following earlier on his life
he’s abandoned all those
no more drinking no more bad stuff
john heffron is all about positive energy
and tony robbins right
kind of yeah but the tony robbins without the walking
on fire and going to a seminar with
20,000 really motivated people
yeah what is the walking on fire
it probably helps you it teaches you to walk on fire
how you would then apply that skill to other
things in your life
I have no idea
you know
because even if you have an argument with your girl
you can’t go well
I can walk on fire
it won’t apply
to anything else but walking on fire right
like guys fighting that bus boards right it’s great
if a guy jumps in front of you with six boards
yeah what’s the fucking point of breaking boards
I don’t get that or
the break in the
I guess it’s your power and a punch but not well
that is if a guy is standing there
boards break pretty easy
that’s the sad thing
those boards ease for demonstrations
when I was a kid who was a little type of window
whenever we used to open up a
new school
we would all have to go and do demonstrations
and what part of the demonstration wants you
how to kick boards
break boards so though
it was just always seemed so silly
that’s awesome
what’s gonna say
we’re talking about the near and linguistic stuff
oh yeah so buddy hackett
so you’re doing all this programming
and this programming leads to
you better performances on stage
yeah it’s basically that it just kind of
rewires your brains everybody
if something happens you probably racked
similar in every signal situation
so this kind of just change your brain to maybe take a
the best
it gives you options to handle situations where
you have zero options
then you’re just going to freak up
and if you have a few
you usually take the best option for
but it also keeps you from doing
shitty things right
it keeps you from ruining your life
it keeps you yeah for me
yeah for me what I did is you kind of work backwards
you figure out what you want to accomplish
and then you kind of
get all those feelings
and what would feel like once you accomplish those
and it kind of let your brain know
this is the way I want to go
this is make every decision
in the right way to obtain that goal
you know I think for me
it’s you know
some people go well that’s all common sense stuff but
there’s a big difference
common sense and
you know it’s common knowledge or actually applying it
right now
but you apply it now you’re all about doing that right
yeah I do it before I get on stage
I do some techniques to get me because you know
as stand ups you can get in
people don’t realize it’s not
what you travel with guys that you like
but a lot of times I’m working with dudes that
bug me yeah no problem
yeah or whatever
so you get in a bad mood for 8 billion different
reasons before
you get on stage
and then you enter that stage
and you’re kind of in a pissy mood
which then that comes across to the crowd
or what I would do
is I would see a group of guys
let’s say and in my head I would go
all those guys are gonna heckle
and then I start playing this movie in my head
all they’re gonna heckle right at my favorite joke
oh it’s gonna wreck that thing
and I start to go
like literally play it out as if it happens
so then when I got on stage
I was already mad at these guys
that didn’t say anything
so I take the stage with a little bit more
testosterone and then that
puts a weird vibe on the crowd even though those guys
might have not set anything
the entire show
but now I do that with every part of my life
and I think a lot of people do you know you like
oh look at that girl over there I’d ask her out
she’s probably gonna say no though
she’s probably gonna
say no and make me feel stupid in front of all
my other friends and blah blah blah
do the same there’s a lag
there is a definitely a lag because I’m watching us
on the video
and it’s totally different from what we’re saying
it’s like john still talking on the video
but right now I’m always
you’re always gonna have that though
why is that because you streamed gay as fuck it’s just
we’re live streaming video
you know is it would it be better if we were on blog tv
what about justin dot tv with everybody
who cares if people who know
people watching this care man how did they know
there’s a guy saying lag he’s upset
no how did they know
there’s a lag because he’s watching the video
and the sound is different
no no the sounding video is the same is it yeah okay
a 15 seconds delay
how the hell is he know there’s a lag down
he’s probably on a slow shitty here
you got a shitty ass internet connection faggot
why are you blaming us
then a will dial up john heffron
not only is he a stand up comedian
he also
hosted the mma awards this year which was a total
fucking disaster really completely
you told me I didn’t say it was a total
the edited version came out awesome the way you told it
well for me for me it was the check cleared
the check is clear let’s talk
yeah the check is clear
but for me it was where
people who got to see it on verses got to see it live
as if it was happening so there was a lot of
shoot this guy this guy sucks
to those shoot this guy to me talking about me hosting
was it I didn’t get to see it to those sitting
in the safety of their computer and being maybe
15 or 16 years old you would probably think
that it sucked
not realizing that hosting something like that
oh ladies and gentlemen the sound
if you just have to press refresh if you press refresh
your sound and video should sink up
that’s what’s going on
some dude said that the mma awards would laying
well you know what
well that compared to
oh yeah my thing to that lame this is all
my thing is is lame to what is
what I don’t get is people compare them
and may awards to what
the oscars no no
it’s just like non interesting to watch
you know what’s a clip show
it was a highlighted
clip show and people got to realize I think
for the first one and the budget they had
that’s why you know
guys like you
or kevinjit people always like why is the rogan host
why isn’t kevinjit like big guys that people know
honestly because they had $0
well it’s also
the the hosting thing
I couldn’t have hosted it because
I’m a commentator for the you see
yeah and they wanted to make it none
they wanted some even though
I’m a huge mma fan and I’m as
objective as possible
when it comes to other organizations
I’m always talking about theore
and I’m always talking about ayoki
and all these different guys who fight
alastar overam
and different guys are fighting other organizations
I’m I’m a big believer in
you know you have to look at all
I mean if you’re a fan
you have to like all the different organizations
you can’t just be loyal
obviously the ufc’s the greatest job I’ve ever had
and it’s a fucking awesome gig
and I appreciate the hell out of it and I love the job
but as a fan you know you can’t just
only follow the fighters and the fights that are in
that organization
that’s just silly
I love my favorite thing
I tweeted this so I was watching you do accommodating
one of the fights
I love when you call out
an entire group of 20,000 people
for booing
I get mad like they were just drunk
yeah the bottom line is that I
understand if they didn’t like the decision
that makes sense but once the dude
is talking when they’re interviewing the dude
boo and him
all he did was like aaron simpson versus tom laurel
yeah it was the last one like you can’t boot
aaron simpson the guy fought his ass off
he got hurt really bad the first round
and came back in one the second and the third
and it was a really gutty performance man
and it had mad endurance and even in the third round
he outpaced tom lawler
I mean it was just a great fight
overall great fight
and I don’t know how anybody couldn’t have enjoyed it
I mean
I think in situations like that I hate close decisions
because close decisions like that
man it could have gone either right
and so the fight really took place
everybody saw what happened
and to decide
that one guy wanted or another guy wanted
when it’s that close
I would much rather have a draw
I think that fight could have easily been a draw
you know a lot of people thought that tom lawler won
which I definitely think he won the first round
but I think aaron simpson won the second and 3rd
but although not in is large a margin 2nd
very slight in the third a little bit more
I think if you looked at it on paper you could say well
maybe you could give the first round ten eight
but the bottom line is
forget about all that the bottom line is
it was a great fight
yeah other guys should feel like a loser
like there’s no way
tom waller should feel like a loser after that fight
and there’s no way aaron simpson should have got booed
yeah well
anytime I’ve been at life fight or you hear the people
I don’t get mad but I love when people start going
you know start yelling
stand them up when they’ve been on the ground for
maybe 35 seconds yeah it’s the or if guys
or if guys feel out each other like I’m okay
with and I’ve sparred
I mean I spar
mma is my golf I don’t spar to really
try to tell everybody I enjoy the workout of it
but even you know you have to feel out of die
you don’t just go go and then
start you know
people expect like hockey fights
sometimes where it just erupts immediately
they walk out they go toe to toe in starting
well I think it’s just that the action is great
it’s so exciting that people want to
keep that part going
and then when it goes to the ground
the uneducated fans
if they don’t know what’s going on
they get upset but
problem is the referees and small towns
like when we go to Memphis I don’t say small towns
Memphis is in a small town but we go outside of vegas
a lot of times they use local referees and these guys
they they’re too busy
they get involved in the action too much
you know fight guys fight guys
you know they’re fighting
you know like guys in the guard he’s working his guard
he’s trying for an arm bars trying for something
I’m gonna stand yep I’m stand yet like
what the fuck you talking about you understand them up
these guys are fighting
I don’t think most are part of fighting
I don’t think most people realize the difficulty
I mean you just have
somebody your size if not a little bit bigger
lay on top of you
and then stand up from that position
just letting that person
just with their weights and how hard it is
just to stand up
what do you mean
like if I’m on
if I’m on my back and you’re on top of me and I
and I scramble
and I get it that we both we stand up together
right that’s a huge feet and it’s yeah it is
you know it maybe not that
it should be that guy
the only way you should get up is if you got up
it shouldn’t be the referee stands you have
I hate all that shit
I’ve always said that if
someone like brock lesner can take you down
and molest you for 5min
then that’s tough shit
tough shit he’s got you on your back
you gotta find a
way to get back up tp
and if you can’t it’s 5min of him punching you
in the face and that’s life
and if your technique to void that is to turn
and run in circles so we can’t tackle you
then do yeah that’s it
yeah you know
it is whatever it is
and believe me that’s gonna
what’s gonna decide
your career is gonna be fans
and whether fans like your style
whether or not you sell tickets
whether or not you know you
optimize your potential as a mixed martial artist
and the fans are gonna
let you know whether or not they like your style
and if you got a boring ass style
even if you like winning fights
nobody’s gonna give a shit
they’re not gonna buy your paper views
and that’s like that’s like
that’s commerce
you know that’s how it’s supposed to work
you know it’s supposed to be
let let the market dictate
what you know whether people like people or not
no I
you said you sent a clip the other day of tag team
oh yeah but what do you think the evolution
if you were just to pretend to evolution
you think maybe in
40 years there’d be like maybe num chucks
on a rat like on a hook on the side of the cage
where then no I think
that’s not as fun
the fun thing is man to man no weapons
that’s what I mean
you could go to roman gladiator style
have dudes have sword fights and they would be
certainly be fucking crazy but
ultimately I don’t think it would be as enjoyable
it’d just be more fucked up
because your champion like a staff
yeah I must say that I was
miyamoto musashi you know musashi beat 62 men in
sword fights but unless you’re musashi
you know what’s gonna happen
you’re gonna get fuckin sliced up
you know it sucks about that tag team ideas
half the people probably think that’s a great idea
they all came from wrestling no they don’t
everybody’s wrestling fans fancy fucking turkey jesse
go to the YouTube clip that I posted up on tag team mma
every fucking car really
what the fuck is this gay shit
what was this what happened
what happened from the transition of wrestling
thinking that’s an awesome idea
to all those fans
well wesley’s fame I know
I mean basically the real the evolution is war
it’s like football
it’s like a team of mma guys on one side of the field
and it’s yeah
that’s true and that’s important to know it
I got a hawk hogan story for you
by the way when we were at the ufc
he sat right in front of me and he has this really
weird hair where it looks like it’s a wig almost
but he pulled out a comb
and during the ufc the whole time
he was just conning the back of his hair
and like just like kind of go like this
and like flipping
it over his shoulder and I was just like
is this really
the hall cogan that I know is combing his hair
well he probably does it for like it’s public a show
like part of his image images
you know because I mean he’s
silly he’s always on when he’s out in public
you know he’s the hulkster
dude interview in him was the show
was that he was fucking awesome man
he was really nice guy huh he’s a great guy
real nice guy
every interview
well not every interview but you’ve done
I saw you interview
there’s been a fight in the stands right before
you go to talk to them
leah it happened with a sebastian salon
you’re an interview rocky and there
was a thing I
did it happen with hog
there’s always like a little moment right before
it’s funny I guess or to make it more realistic
maybe you could have cage fighting
where you have to two fighters and then random people
standing around like a bar fight
so then you’d have to worry about throwing a punch
back in heaven
it’s gonna be robots immine in the future
I got human chimp hybrids
people are gonna like
infuse their body with chimp dna
and you’re able to jump off the top of the cage
they’re gonna be so much stronger and faster
well this is gonna be some definitely
this is gonna be genetic engineering in the future and
when genetic engineering becomes a reality
forget about steroid steroids are gonna be nonsense
it’s gonna be nothing
when they get gene biostat inhibitors
you know that you ever seen the video of
there’s a couple of kids that have been born with
milestat and problems
and what happens is they develop like
a extreme amount of muscle
they have all that like there’s whip
it’s there’s a dog called a whip it
and they breed these dogs to try to make them
you know fast to make them sleek and run fast
and occasionally
they have an error in their genetics and they get
giant muscles
they look like they don’t even look really photoshop
but it’s a real dog
like super royated up
shredded and no fat means incredible
but that’s all they’ve done it are ready to mice
they’ve engineered mice so that these mice
have this mile statin inhibitor situation going on and
they have giant muscles and they can
they live longer I mean
I’m off for it man
I hope all that stuff comes around
right around the time where
you know I’m in my 60 seventies
it’s gonna happen man I’m gonna civicis alone it well
everything is going in a direction where
like science fiction
like the things that we thought of as being
completely ridiculous in the 19 eighties
the stuff that you would see in a movie
I mean it’s all real now
you see that new microsoft touch
thing where they have a table
and you can put something on the table
and it recognizes what that’s something
is and gives you information on it
I mean that’s like minority of type shit
I mean this is all gonna happen
I was talking about that new cell phone idea
that nokia has
where it’s a phone
that you’re talking and then you flip it on your wrist
when you’re doing
it’s like turns into jewelry
yeah and it wraps around you
yeah yeah it’s like though it’s like those bracelets
there’s old metal bracelets you used to like
flip on your wrist
you know like girls would have them to it
but it’s a cell phone
it’s a bendable lcd
and they just happen at the other day
and it’s pretty much what it is
they can unstrapement it out
use it as a phone
and then when they’re done you just
flip it on your wrist
I saw that they had this what’s that
neo technology where they took shark skin
it’s all bladed
and they made this suit
that’s almost unstabbable and stuff for like soldiers
where you wear
almost like a wetsuit
nothing can get through it
so it’s like kevlar
but it’s thinner and stuff than it’s ever been before
so you can wear it as a full body
and you can’t stab something with it
well regular kevlar can be
stabbed straight on here with a knife
you can get through kevlar
but this is some
shark skin is what
some guy invented he invented it to stop shark attacks
but it’s not that chain mail stuff
it’s like a wetsuit that can’t be
so now they’re messing with that stuff
one day I’m gonna have a real iron man suit
that’s right it’s gonna be crazy if you don’t already
I mean you gotta hit now
all the guys are gonna look like halo the dudes from
from halo definitely
all that technology
it’s gonna be like
star wars
where you’re gonna have a helmet that you pull out
so you know
you can’t breathe the air outside and stuff
well yeah this is gonna be that
but I think most of the war is gonna be fought like
what the cia is doing in Pakistan right now
they got drones
and these drones are flying over Pakistan
just launching missiles down on people
the bottom line is that all things accelerate
no things stay
exactly where they are
and the only time
they degrass is when there’s a gigantic national
catastrophe or you know somebody blows up a
bunch of nuclear weapons and you know we go back to
being fucking caveman
I mean that’s the only way things are gonna decelerate
but the way things are going right now
they’re gonna move in a crazier and crazy direction
I mean
we went from from bows and arrows to guns to cannons
and it keeps going and going and going
and now it’s fucking drones
the fire missiles from the sky
I mean that’s and then you know
like the star wars program they were trying to do
during the ragan administration
you know they were trying to have it so that they have
satellites that can shoot down missiles
from space but apparently that was all bullshit
apparently that never really worked
and apparently there’s a gigantic conspiracy
wrapped around
scientist that were involved in the star wars program
because apparently a
fuckload of them have died
under suspicious causals
yeah yeah if you google it
anybody wants to google it
we could google it right now
and I’ll put up a link for you guys
but I don’t know if this is a legit
I don’t know if it’s a legit conspiracy theory
but the star wars scientists
on the side note on
the conspiracy theory stuffs that you talk about
is there one site if you let’s say you’re a new guy
ads jones drop hell coppers infowars
comlation gentlemen info wars
geomarconi scientist death conspiracy theorist
mystery of the dead scientist conspiracy
hmm wikipedi has a
little pay job
between nineteen
eighty two and nineteen ninety twenty five
british based
gec marconi scientists and engineers who work
oh that’s a stingray
oh yeah star wars defense initiative yeah
died under mysterious circumstances
investigations found those death to be unconnected
oh no
the same police are out taser and grandma’s own shit
is that who did it
probably the snacks out of the vending machine
star wars is probably how aids was created
there’s so many sites on this
I don’t even want to link it
because I just
yeah you know what I’ll do I’ll link the google search
so you do your own work
who the fuck knows
how many these guys are completely crazy
so I just sent it up there
who knows
who knows how many guys are
completely out of the fucking mind and who knows
whether or not it’s real
you know
star wars was reagan right
yeah well the reagan administration was famous for
a bunch of secret shit what was going on
this is reagan introducing star wars
his announcement of what it was back in the day
what are you showing it
yeah what are you gonna show video or something
don’t do that nobody gives a fuck yeah
don’t put that up okay
star war it’s the whole
thing why not
we can show people of them introducing star wars
because I don’t want to put them
it was just a program where they shot
supposedly had satellites they could shoot down
missiles from space
but apparently it was never functional
never proven to be effective
they spent billions and billions of dollars on it
and all these scientists dying
the big theory was that you know
these guys knew too much
and they knew that it was horseshit so
they had to kill them off before they talked
I wouldn’t I wouldn’t put it past them
you know you get the cia involved
and if you ever read like economic
confessions of an economic hitman
and you find out the shit that our government does
to other countries
they’d kill scientists they’d kill anybody
they don’t give a fuck
you know
the same people that wanted us to go to war in Iraq
and we’re willing to
lie about weapons of mass destruction
you know everybody’s
going on and on about September 11th like
do you really
think the government
would allow innocent people
to die during September 11 so they could go to war
I don’t know but
do you really
think they believe
there was weapons of mass destruction
do you really
think that we’re over in Iraq and afghanistan for good
reasons that benefit you and I
no and millions of people have died because of that
at least 1 million Iraq civilians have
died because of that
and so if they’re willing to do that
you don’t think they’re willing to kill a few
thousand here and there
oh right of course they are
and forget about the few thousand that died
during 9 11
the million people that died in Iraq or human beings
they’re just as
legitimate as the people that died in the twin towers
I mean it’s all completely ridiculous
someone says can we change topic to something fun
allah be praised is his name
semi said please look up the definition of literally
you you mike and dana
use that word too much
and you don’t know what it means
oh how do you know what I know
saga what’s that
the literal translation
I know what literally means you know
I was talking to somebody
who has a joe organ ufc
drinking game
where the guy gets rocked
on the button he pre watched it
I forgot what he said he pre
he pre rocked watched it and then bet his friends
spider monkey lakes
is it turned at monkey legs
it’s kind of a weird brand one
I don’t know if you’ve ever said
I’ve never heard that I might have said it
we know when you do 100 yeah yeah
sees I don’t know
I might have said that one day and forgot I said it
he doesn’t have spider man listen to this guy
there’s no such thing as a legit conspiracy theory
okay smart man
like you fucking know how funnier people
there’s no such thing as real conspiracy theory
of course there are stupid
look up the gulf of tonkin
the gulf of tonkin incident is
a real conspiracy theory where the government really
did lie and say that there was an attack
on american citizens
and that’s what god is into the Vietnam war
look up the
look up
the northwoods document the northwoods document is a
real conspiracy that the joint chiefs of
staff drafted up and signed
and then it was vetoed by kennedy
and what it was was
basically they were trying to get people
enthusiastic about a war with cuba
and they were going to plan
attacks on american civilians
they were going to blow up an airliner
and blame it on cuba
and say that americans were on board
they were going to attack ships
they were going to attack guantanamo bay
they were going to throw mortars into
guantanamo bay and they were ready for us casualties
which meant they were
willing to kill americans
in order to get us to go to war with cuba
these are real
they look up
how about fucking cigarettes
you want a real conspiracy theory
how come politicians all want to talk
about drugs and we need to keep drugs out of schools
drugs in this country can’t even fucking come close
to the death and destruction
the health problems that cigarettes have caused
but yet
you don’t hear a fucking peep out of those guys
about cigarettes
cigarettes kill 400,000 people a year
in this country alone
every fucking year
that’s a real legit conspiracy
where no one is talking about it
and the reason
why they’re not talking about it is because
tobacco companies finance campaigns of politicians
those are conspiracies
what a conspiracy is is
someone conspires to do something
there’s hundreds of legit conspiracies
look up the iran contra affair
look up the fact that oliver north
and all those guys were involved in doing illegal shit
in order to help what they bring in co
I just watching where they bring in cocaine
into the us well
that’s the accusation
and there’s a bunch of
books that have been written right
and cia agents who have said that
there’s a guy named gary webb
who’s got a bunch of shit on that
and there was a dude named barry seal who actually
was bringing in cocaine from other countries
got caught
and when he was about to go to trial was murdered
and that was to go the bringing coke from
like afghanistan type countries to help support them
to fight the russians
yeah and here’s another one is
you know people say oh man
the cia is good to help us and sure
some cia
I’m sure do that but the cia
one of the planes that’s been to guantanmo bay
crash last year
in Mexico with four tons of cocaine
I’m gonna put up that link
yeah and it did even fucking make the news man
it make royders
and it didn’t make any of the the big news programs
I’ll put up that link for you guys
but this is a fucking cia plane
like rupert was the la cop that busted that yeah
yeah that is special on hpos on the two
because there are two black dudes that were the ones
at all funnel through yeah
the bottom line about
human beings though
is that people are so
lack of days ago when it comes to shed it just so
you know you could
that stuff could be on the news and
people would care more about john and kate
john has to pay $10,000 a month and
child support and alimony
how’s he gonna do it
and that would be big news
whereas people wouldn’t give a fuck about
you know the cia selling drugs
they would all you have to do is have one person
on television say it’s bullshit
and that’s all the
I mean that’s all
you need to get 90% of the people to believe it
and a lot of those shows and a lot of the news ones
there’s people that’s what they do for a living
they say
they can put their name in a database to be an expert
about whatever
and then cnn or
box ago we need a guy that knows about
and then you’re the expert on
drug injection
what’s been proven that oil companies
have hired scientists to dispute
the fact that human beings have created global warming
you know who the fuck
knows whether or not they’re right or wrong
when it comes to global warming
and most people that argue it
they argue it from the point of being a conservative
or being a liberal
liberals always say we have to stop and
conservative say there’s no connection
and it’s just because there are a bunch
of fucking parents to hear
all these different people
rush limbo or whoever on the radio
saying that there’s no connection
that you’re these celly liberals
and they just repeat the same
dumb shit and conservatives
do that and then liberals
they see that fucking al gore cock sucker
and they go like al gore
so the mean
my al gore has made $1 billion off of this fucking
climate gate
if you look at
what al gore has made
the money that al gore has made
since then inconvenient truth came out
it’s fucking staggering
he’s made an incredible amount of money off of this
and the people that would benefit from all these
carbon taxes
I mean they’re setting this up to make money
and that’s what they’re doing
no one’s doing this
there’s sure there’s a few
scientists that are doing with the right intentions
but most of the politicians that are pushing this
they have alterior motives
and they’re trying to make money off of this shit
hey joe rogan did you hear johnny bananas 21 at gmail
com says did you hear that the y chromosome is
evolving faster than the x chromosome
that’s because we’re men bitch
johnny bananas we’re the only ones with the why
the women don’t get the why the why is the future
I just saw a documentary about that
males are disappearing because of all the chemicals
yeah I’ve heard that too
that’s why guys act more girlish now if you look at
well this is a surplus of men
when there’s a surplus of men rather men
act more aggressive
and grow more facial hair
and become more masculinated
and have more testosterone
when there’s a surplus of women
men tend to relax
and they tend to be more feminine
and they tend to shave more
and be more metrosection
yeah this one was about
all the chemicals that probably
our parents or our parents parents did in the sixties
all the plastics and all that kind of stuff
where they said wasn’t bad for you
now they realize it is
and for some reason that those chemicals
affect men more
like they found these alligators that live by
let’s say dow
in the swamps had smaller balls than alligators
you know generations earlier
that all those
chemicals were shrinking the alligator balls
I don’t know what job you have
that’s your guy that you know one guy goes
I’m gonna measure it
alligator balls yeah
you know
I’m gonna measure it and we might need this data later
but that’s what
that’s what they say
is just from all the chemicals and stuff
that men are acting less like
men and producing more sperm
I think in the thing more sperm
no less burm like so
young guys now
have less sperm than their dads probably have
which it should be
well that’s the internet
we’re getting rid of more sperm than our dads
huh because we’re jerking on
you dad didn’t have that much
you didn’t you did he craft with
I bet it’s very much more difficult for your dad
to be or your assessive about masturbation
because they still have to set up a projector
pull the shades down
screen run that little sixteen millimeter
or watch some black and white old lady argo
less molestation
nowadays too i wonder what the odds are unless
well it actually goes order
epic’s down i don’t think it’s down
you don’t think
or go even back further than that
that was guys had to put up the projector
but even though the guys before that had to
paint stuff on walls and caves
and then you know there’s way more people now
there’s way more people now
so there’s way more molestation about poor capita
yeah I’m wonder I wonder
well you know the Japanese believe
the Japanese believe that if you show all that
shit you show
rave and molestation
and crazy sex
you know like
that’s why they’re in the schoolgirls on that shit
they feel like that it gets it out of your system
that if you watch like violence in
video and movie form
that somehow another it gets it out of your system
why do they blur all their porn now
they only blur the pubes yeah that’s weird it’s weird
very weird wait
you’re allowed to get fucked by a tentacle
but you can’t see it
can’t you see pussy or
you do not know the whole thing’s but it’s all
the whole pussy that bad
witness reload
but if you’re squint like in the old days in the news
if you’re squint you can see this
and then I find myself like squinting going
there’s other porn that I could be watching
that’s way more
like that old old school kind of French
kind of european porn
yeah do you remember
when you were
the old days when you would go on the road
and you would go to hotel rooms and
the dirty movies would be scrambled
yeah but they would only be like wiggly
yeah if you could all mine through them
you’d see like a tit
I mean it’s like a dick that would go in a mouth and
you’d have enough to jerk off to
you used to be able to those
you used to be able to get like a three
or 4min preview
to see if you want it
so you’d have 10 and
you hit the second preview I was proud of myself
I would I would get hard
and then as the preview was going I would be done
15 seconds in the or is weird with the vhs
like if you borrowed porn from somebody you could see
like what their thing was because
you put it in and hit play whatever scene
you know that they just hit stop after they were done
so you’re like really
that’s the thing
yeah did someone have a bit about that
and chris rock had a bit about that about how he went
turned out one of his porns
and he had left it a certain scene
but then because of the vhs tape
then we went to it the next time
it was a different scene
it’s like someone’s been watching my shit
oh that’s funny
it’s so true right
that would yeah I
remember renting vcrs this is like we’re 18
rent vcr
and then leave it in there when you take it back
or something
or you’d rip off of the
I remember like birthday parties
my mom would go to the library
and rent a movie projector
just to show like movies
or like birthday party yeah
do you think the ca
had a hand in gary webb’s death I don’t know the
story behind gary webb’s death
just added gary web die
so the I tablet’s going to be announced next week
supposedly by apple
and they don’t know what the name is
it’s like I slate or ipad
and I’m sitting in bed at like four in the morning
and I’m like thinking what could it be called
and I’m thinking why wouldn’t they call it like I tab
what if they call it I tab
it’s not like I go online I buy I tab tv
just in case you know
I’m addicted to domain names
it’s pretty ridiculous
I’ve got I’ve got like 8 trillion that I
would like never use for any reason
do you have a lot what’s some of them that you own
I’ve owned
let’s see this is back in aol day is like
obviously I never did
lol was whoa whoa whoa whoa
stop stop stop this gary web guys
they’re asking
that they were talking about
the whole dropped all the
stuff about the cia and the the
contras and everything
committed suicide according to the corner
shot himself in the face twice
well it didn’t work the first time generally like
no why am I still there
I guess yeah
that was the guy that said all the
the cocaine guy
credible sources cook
yeah yeah this is the guy that
was releasing all the information about the cia
sal and cocaine
alright hold on a second on top of this now
paste it for you guys
that was an interesting
cause when I ran contrast up was going on
I think I was like
you know 11 or 12 or so you know in there okay yeah
I had a all over north for president t shirt
yeah I didn’t even
that’s interesting
shot himself in the fucking face twice that’s hardcore
who knows anyway
what are you talking about the eye tablet
no like our addiction addiction to domain names
like what
what’s some domain names that you did you buy
cause I I’ll think of something
usually when I’m really stoned
and I feel like oh I
did you buy john heffrons socks john have fun’s a fag
john have fun’s a loser I should have should
or scam john hefron scam
because you always see those at the first
whatever you’re looking you always see the word
scam at the top
and then when you click on whatever it is
it just pro whatever you’re looking
because I think naturally if you’re looking to buy
something yeah
you see the scam
you’re like well I’ll go to the negative first
oh some dude said it was doug stanhope’s bit about his
mom with the porno
yeah that makes sense that makes sense awful
there’s a company called ripoff report
and this is like I don’t know how this is legal or
at all if somebody’s mad
at your company or something like that
they can put something on there
and what this company does is
it uses spam techniques where
it spams like
message boards and all this shit all day long
so google puts it on the top of your list
my friend has a fashion company that does like
dresses and stuff like that
and the first thing that comes up when you google is
rip off report
this person’s ripping you off
and blah blah blah blah and michelle are my friends
like how do I get rid of this
and they’re like
well if you give us $2000 we’ll take it off
it’s like what yeah that seems
hold on a second so the company that
reports on people for scams
they’re basically just extorting people
yes it’s called rip off report
and then the funny thing is
you can pay them and they’ll take
your name off of it
holy shit a ripoffert court
com and it seems like it’s a legit company
so if you have a problem with
somebody’s business or something like that you can say
the right layer like this person
ripped me off and stuff like that
but that’s extortion
how is that extortion
and if you go online there’s a lot of people
suing this company
there’s about 12 different
lawsuits going on for this company right now
but she’s been trying everything
to get this shit off
she was on tv the other day doesn’t matter
still first thing you google her name it comes up
what is her name
michelle windle
am I c h e l l e
windle w e n and somebody like that
I don’t know how successful
but either way
people like it don’t have rip off report
don’t have the money to go after her to go after them
you know I mean that’s pretty expensive
I was going to sue
a company recently
and it would just it ended up being just so much money
that you had to go
well do I want to use that just to
say that I’m right
or do you just say you know both
of those
people are ex employees too that wrote those things
real as she fired
yeah it seems like
there’d be some kind of like
libel or something
yeah well they’re getting sued but I mean
it’s okay
little room thanks
but the whole thing that’s weird about it is is
that it’s like
what was anytime why can fears here
ari chaffeer just showed up ladies and gentlemen
that crazy jew
we didn’t even call him and tell him to come here
I have a special guest
my special guest this week is john heffron
it’s not ari shafir
what is that mumbles
well ari shafir came because
probably he knows I got the best weed
hey let’s talk about ari’s latest Twitter
what’s his letter’s Twitter
I’ve had a lot of people
ask me how many percentages of artists
Twitters are have to do with the sun
or now
I was gonna say a shitting of some type of something
leaving his bong hole
yeah he talks about
someone says
I’m disappointed that you’re not getting high
the reason why we’re not getting high was because
up until a few moments ago
my leaded baby was in the house
and my mommy in the baby and
we’re in the media room right now and
there’s no
ventilation up in this bitch
hi ari’s down here like a shotgun in his mouth
he’s been doing all this suicide shit lately it’s so hi
no she’s coming to get you
yes so you gotta call her because I’m doing john
where are you at next where are you at this weekend
I’m uh nowhere this weekend next weekend nope
and then I’m in Nashville the following week
sorry have you thought ever about
deleting your mind space because I’m actually
to the point
where I’m thinking about deleting my mind space
I still put up blogs
I still will take a blog
whenever I put a blog
I’ll throw it
nine at 10 times I’ll throw it up on my space as well
just because I think more people
I like you more will read it
yeah I like to
myspace because it has the dates
and you don’t have to be a fan
to actually see the date
so you don’t have to be a fan
see the dates you see
there’s two different things
phasebooks really confusing
there’s a fan page
I have a fan page and there’s something
else that you don’t have to be a fan
to see the dates
oh really yeah it’s
what’s the two it’s a fan page and a group
and the group
it’s so annoying
facebook’s so annoying with this
but group anyway you know
what’s many of the death of facebook
by the way is
I don’t want any more pillows sent to me
I don’t want any you can turn all that off
I don’t want to see any of that
you turn off any kind of of that
pillows or blessings I appreciate this
how do you it’s in your settings
it’s so confusing
yeah like there’s this pillow fight
so you’ll go to your thing
and there’ll be like 50 people
hit you with pillows
I’m gonna find the dude who invented glitter tags
glitter tags yeah just I don’t want anybody putting
it’s my wall who would have ever thought
that would be popular
why have you been to the mall
hey let me glitter your iphone
or people that can tag you like
I’ll get comics that I’ll have like their video
on YouTube and they’ll tag me
and then suddenly their video of them on stage is on my
it’s my it’s like my property that’s my grass
stay off of my grass me and joe
we’re talking about this other dig
we have a friend that doesn’t want you know people
he’s very private
but since somebody just posted a photo of them
and now every single person
that that person’s friends with us can see like
you know all you
can go right to that photo
yeah and if it’s private yeah yeah facebook’s a mess
yeah security settings are sketchy
and there was a dude who was a former
facebook employee
that was talking about it
you know
divulging on the information about how they do things
well you know that’s how they’re doing
a lot of people are seeing a lot of people’s identity
is they’ll go you and I’ll
get enough information from your site
just in general that I that I can then use that
to peace mail
well how about this there was a fucking deal your stuff
a bunch of dudes are getting scammed
this is very common
where guys are pretending to be chicks
and they’re pretending to be chicks online
and some dude was posing as a maxim model and scam
$15,000 out of some doctor and Florida
send pictures photoshop naked pictures
and and apparently this dude had
a girl’s voice like a really feminine voice
I’ll put up the link for you guys
but it’s fascinating how fucking gullible dudes are
like how the fuck do you not know
did you put up
the link to somebody wanted to know about the
what you were talking about earlier with the mice
no I didn’t put up the milestant inhibitor thing
but I’ll put it
I’ll I’m gonna put up this
put a john heaven Twitter up there though right
I need followers
john herfron follow john herphron
I just broke 1000 followers
finally I had that took forever
I try to keep mine to
I go and spurt with Twitter
sometimes I want to Twitter three in a row
but then I’ll feel
bad and then won’t do any for like a day or two
yeah but then I realized
everybody’s following a lot of people
so it’s not that annoying right
it’s weird how like it’s so different like myspace I
had no problem getting frames you know like on
or whatever but but Twitter
people are a little bit more picky
because they have to read your shit every day
will it say that again
it’s different
how like Twitter
like some people are huge on Twitter you know
you wouldn’t think they’re
they are like Twitter makes no sense to me
like numbers why
you know like ash and kusher
is the most
popular where he’s on magazines and he goes on cnn
and he talks about his Twitter on cnn
and he’s so does larry king every day
but he’s not even a quarter
that yeah but larry king’s a fucking dinosaur
larry king here
nobody gives a shit about larry king
the young people
with Twitter don’t give a fuck about larry king
but they certainly give a fuck about aston cutcher
that handsome devil
with his elderly wife
they love that dude
I wonder how long he’s gonna keep her
cause ashton’s only like fucking 27 years old right
isn’t he he’s got being nice dirties nah
he’s like yeah 30 okay let’s say he’s 35
okay then she’s 47 at 20 he’s 45
she’s gonna be 57
who that’s a top sell I think it’s cool yeah yeah yeah
it probably goes 20 years backwards
he hangs out with bruce willis
yeah like all the time they do
they fucking chose
maybe such a dirt
yeah I think they all just fucking maybe
bruce willes takes a
denny’s ass or ash yeah you be cayee
denny’s ass put telling bruce
that’s that is weird
I don’t want to hang around with some dude who made
babies with my wife
yeah was fucking her
like every night
sleeping in bed with her and cuddling with
but you know what I’m not that open minded
maybe ashton’s really open minded
or maybe it’s just like
I can’t believe I’m hanging out with bruce bruce
hey this is awesome I’m in with the Hollywood crowd
bruce is so cool we hang out party
meanwhile bruce is like go get me a pier
oh get your pier actually
accidents got a better career than bruce nowadays
how dare you
I’ll dare you with those terrible movies he makes
how dare you say that
who’s fucking yippee kai yay motherfucking yeah yeah
shut the fuck up
I’m not saying shut your mouth boy
but like
how many shows is ashton fucking producing right now
that dude’s I’m hot
he produced the show but I did gas show him my head
he produced that 20 things on it and they all suck
every single one of them
bruce willis is bruce fucking willis yeah how many
have you seen the butterfly effect yeah
how many
people have astron kusher saved in a movie
good good point shade
I’ve never watched this
I know but I’m trying to the butterfly for that
one awesome comedy have you seen that yeah you know is
awesome unintentional comedy
bruce wood action flicks okay all the die hards
you know how many people
as action kushi killed them
how about was that movie the monkey movie 18 monkeys
was it 12 monkeys that’s a good movie
yeah six monkeys
some chicken bruce willis save us in an asteroid yeah
he probably got lost or died on the way over here
his cheap ass car probably didn’t ask him
kusher’s pretty selfish as far as movies
he didn’t save the world
do you have a video
that we can play while we go for a weed break
oh that’s a good idea
does the video work though does it
yeah yeah yeah it just I wasn’t set up for that
what can you play that while we go do a weed break
we got to pick up ari
and we’re gonna go smoke some weed
and the show will be infinitely fun here in 5min
let’s play
global thermal news which is only 31 years old shazam
these bitches know what time everything
how often do I get poned
pw how do you say poned in real life
pw n e b
someone wants to know how often how often I get tapped
I get tapped at least every month
at least once a month last month I got tapped
three times I got tap three times last month
and that was cuz
moving back to la from colorado
I was in I was out of shape
wasn’t training that much
and you know you roll with good guys
you get tapped especially when you’re tired
when you roll like
after the first guy
your first guy you know you drill the way we do it
at 10th planet is
you drill for the first half hour 40min
and that gets you tired
but you know you still have good energy but then
the first roll
you have full energy
you know the first roll
you feel great
but if you roll with a tough guy
and everybody attempts planet
I mean
you’re rolling with brown belts and purple belts
all those dudes are tough
all those dudes are capable of tapping you out
and then it’s a matter of how much endurance you have
because if you
you know you put yourself in bad positions you know
especially if you’re pulling guard all the time
because I’m trying to work on my bottom game
try try to work on my guard
and if you get tapped I get tapped
shit I get tapped all the time once a month
if you don’t if you don’t get tapped
you either not rolling with good people
or you’re not
trying you’re not opening yourself up
if you don’t open your game up you don’t improve
you got it first of all
if I just wanted to get on top all the time and always
hold position and not take any chances
you could go a year without getting
tapped but
if you want to learn and you want to develop your game
you can’t worry about being tapped
when you get tapped you gotta go okay
that’s one more way that I won’t get tapped
my friend scott got me in this crazy
arm bar from inside my guard
I was I had him in my garden
he got me in an arm bar
that’s never happened to be before
it’s some crazy thing where
as you scoop under
the leg
to try to toss the guy and get him in an arm bar
he has this way of locking your arm with his
leg and they pulls on it
it’s a real danger it’s a fellow my elbow was gonna go
and I was like you motherfucker
I’m like how’d you get that
and then I had him show it to me but now I will
he tried to do it again
the day before yesterday and he couldn’t get me in it
but it’s just because he got me in it
hey you got in did you let yourself in
she came who came
the housekeeper
awful shapir
alright shafir ladies and gentlemen with lola
she’s what you refuse to hide
lola like you
say hi she goes
no alright do you got a video
yeah looking for something good
barsh fears here all right
come say hi to the american public
all 518 people
you don’t even know where the fuck we are we’re over
here look at this right here
art is myself supposed to be I’m too sexual
it’s weird yes
it is a delight oh watch
here comes your goofy head it’s gonna come in
there you are here
what about I was looking for videos
oh I’ll show that video
bring my mastiff in
um he’ll create problems whatever
I’m standing by that door at gate
yeah and I was like come on in
not so I get the ok
here’s somebody you’re not one of that
and killers around
doesn’t know me
I need somebody who knows me
yeah I wouldn’t come in if I saw johnny brutus is small
here’s something he’s not gonna do anything
but here’s something
if johnny thought you were scared
he’d like were you afraid of bitch
yeah you would take advantage
they don’t have one good man I found so not
what did you find
it’s a 6min special on how this local person is
given medical marijuana to his autistic kid legally
oh yeah that’s the one where the kid is
all fucked up
and he gives a little pieces of hash every day
yeah that’s really interesting 6min long so
lazy gentlemen autism
we’re gonna just
show you a little
clip of videos that we can go get high
and then we come back
this is gonna be a totally fucking different show
all right and talk further that way filmy bitches
wait they’re saying that it’s will cure autism or
it’ll help autism
it helps autism people that have autism
their kids this guy has a
medical marijuana prescription for his kid because
this kid has autism
and yeah this is a local guy and
nothing was working
nothing was helping and what are the positive effects
oh we’ll see the kid just relaxes
it calmed him down
yeah you’re gonna go full screen with that bitch yeah
which we’re still trying to iron out
we need to get good programs yeah
we’re trying to
alright how smart is my mastiff he’s a real smart
we’ll bring him in after the break
taking a breakfast tension I don’t forget
yeah we got it
time to pace is push
time to pay some pills
we’ll be back you watch these sponsors
the controversy over medical marijuana is nothing new
but new questions are being raised about its use
one issue in particular should children
take it to
share calvin here with an incredible story about one
family’s fights
for their son share
that’s right michael in victoria
when you say that it sounds so shocking to so many
but california’s prop 2 15
the compassionate usac
was passed by voters a decade ago
and it does allow
seriously ill patients with a doctor’s recommendation
to use marijuana legally but
what about for children
we did find this one
family with a truly remarkable tale to tell us
in this ktla exclusive report
can you tell me what schools like you sam
titanic big one
this is sam a 10 year old who lives with his dad
his mom and his sister lucy in northern California
sam has autism
from age two till eight
sam’s disorder made him violence and aggressive
his parents
steve and angela were truly living a nightmare every
day he got off where he was
hurting other children at school and in public places
last times would be
stay in line at a store and he would just
instantly just
bolt off and go and hit another child in the face
one time he pulled the tv down
he knocked over all the furniture I mean and I got
and I had to put him in a hole
maybe an hour
I mean just where his whole body was spasmy
it was just you know
I would just lay there crying and just hold him
sam’s parents worked with expert doctors
who recommended a succession
of conventional prescription medications
like whispered doll and a host of others
but sam just gained 20 pounds and
became harder to handle
we were so scared look okay
he’s getting more dangerous
he’s getting bigger and stronger
now he’s 20 pounds bigger
from the respirat all
the child that we had grown to love
was gone it was just like when you looked at him
when you talk to him
he had just disappeared
finally at their wits end
and faced with a very
real prospect of needing to institutionalize their son
sam’s parents decided to try something
unconventional and
last year
they began treating sam with medical marijuana
you think about it
it really is the perfect medication
for that kind of behavior
it’s just very calming
so this is the medicine right here
steve and angela got a recommendation
from a medical cannabis doctor
they told sam’s pediatrician about their plan
and steve grew sam’s new medicine in their backyard
we had six plants here
this is where steve took out his
tomato plants to grow and then harvest
the cannabis from the marijuana flowers
he could make good concentrated form
what people refer to as hash
this ball represents roughly four
months of doses for sam
so I just take my lighter
steve softens the cannabis with heat
then takes what appears to be just a
jack of pot sam’s dose for the day
what affected the medical cannabis have on sam
well the first time we did it we just wanted to do
to see if it would work at all
it was just an amazing experience
the man account will never forget it
to watch what happened to him
it was just like wow he’s back
this anguish and this pinto bridge and this
you know obsessiveness
it’s just like it just went away
just like it just calmed him down
while we were with the family
we watched
steve put sam’s daily dose in a piece of melon
and take it to him
we saw that for him
yeah that’s good
johnny bernie
within roughly 20min the effects were clear
where earlier sam had been animated in Nancy
after eating his speck of hash
sam became calm relaxed and social
as a mother how would you feel
about people saying to you that
you’re getting your son stoned every day
at first I was very concerned about that
but recently I’ve been sharing
the story with more more people
you know friends and co workers
and I find that you know
the more I tell people the more I share it with people
but more comfortable I am with it
it has saved our lives
and I think about what it’s done for our son
could sam story help others
la area pediatrician christopher tolsher says
we don’t know enough
about cannabis for kids
for all the parents out there
whose children may have autism
I think the message here is that this is intriguing
that needs more research before we can confidently say
that marijuana is a safe and effective treatment
for autism complications
our best but for this California family
medical marijuana has
literally been an answer to their prayers
and a homecoming for their son it was just
a medication that we saw that
gave us the results that we were always hoping for
I mean I think that really is
a key is that he was happy again
he was smiling and laughing and
we had lost that for so long and it was so sad
wonder because we’d ever see that again
it just feels like I have more control
now to help my son instead of depending on doctors who
may have the best intentions but they don’t know
when sam needs
I want to do what’s best for my son
and I’ll do whatever I can for him
well one important note
sam’s parents tell us
that they have followed the
letter of the law regarding his medication
and that they’ve grown
only the amount of marijuana that prop to 15 allows
the medication is for sam
and for nobody else
does he does he take this medication every single day
you know they started off from at 7:00 in the morning
he would take it
then they would give him a second
dose in the afternoon
but after two years he started this at eight
he’s now 10 they sometimes don’t have to give it to him
and only give it to him as needed which is incredible
it really has changed his behavior according to them
wow all right
share terrific story thank you for the report
thank you and for more on sam’s story
information on treating children with autism
go to our website ktla
com click on the special report section
there you’ll find
shares report and link to the american
academy of pediatrics
I want a party with that kid
so I was listening to the blind last night the
doctor drew is on
and he was talking about marijuana and how
he was just so he just
obviously fight that he’s like they’re just
what they’re just dumb people
yeah he’s so silly about his take on marijuana
the fight medical marijuana
people that want medical marijuana
he thinks they’re silly in the ruining america
and he thinks that all drugs are bad
that the one state of mind
the state of mind that you’re
currently in is the only one
he shouldn’t be drunk he shouldn’t be high
he shouldn’t be drugged up
he does not get it that is not true
there are drugs that are terrible for you
the ones you see on his show
the crystal meth the fucking
heroin and oxycontins
those are all fucking horrible for you
that’s a guarantee
but zola what does he say about that shit’s all tit
well for some people
it’s not what does he say about it
I don’t know you have to ask him but
what he says about marijuana is ridiculous
because he lumps marijuana in with like heroin
and cause my mom does
she got all drugs
yeah it’s what he does
I’d rather that he looks
it’s addictive
but there’s so much proof that it’s not addictive
and it’s like
my argument about it is like anything can be addictive
you can get addicted to cheeseburgers
if you’re fucking retard
you could be one of those
dudes who gets addicted to washing his
hands you know people become compulsive about it
goodbye perfect exam
people get addicted to things
man that’s what we do
it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have the things
if other people are telling you they benefit from it
that’s what’s fucking stupid
about this whole marijuana thing
there’s no heroin activists
there’s no you know there’s no crystal meth activist
there’s like you’ve got to get on crystal matter right
but people keep telling you that
weed is
enhanced their lives and help the way they think
and made them a better person
and that fuck doesn’t want to believe that dude in the
article on in
what was that commerce magazine
fortune fortune magazine yeah
the one dude was on the caith the first like
six people case study
he said he’s never gotten high up pop
but he smokes it constantly all day long
all it helps is with this
like arthritis or whatever it is
well we say it’s super barbecued if you keep going
yeah if you if
and then he realized that his friends were telling
you string just stopped our recording for some reason
all right man probably
the fucking man
the man ladies and gentlemen refresh your browsers people
the man apparently was just fucking our ass
that’s crazy like
it just went off air
and then everything came back going by itself
yeah he took it with his friends as he wanted to be a downer
because they were all taken yeah
this is you told the story
and he smoke is like a fuck if he didn’t feel anything
so he was like all right
but then he didn’t want to like be the one left out
so he’s like fuck i’ll smoke with you guys
he would pass it and he was like taste on and then he realized
he could for the first time
like years and years he could actually
sit there with those legs and arms like
cranny what about sean roush
maybe it could help him
i don’t know i just don’t know why that guy does not smoke pot
no doug doesn’t doug doesn’t smoke weed
you would think that doug would smoke weed
stan hope does not like weed really yeah
he’s done it i’ve done mushrooms with stan hope we did dmt
he’ll go to other dimensions what does he do pot
he does like pot
makes a paranoid he doesn’t like the fact
i understand that is nigel side effect of everything
for everybody well
i think what the paranoia that pot gives you is really
it’s almost like the opposite of alcohol
because alcohol makes you look through a tube
alcohol you’re like looking at the world through
yeah whoo too
you’re not seeing but
marijuana is the opposite marijuana releases your
blinders yeah
i see it in front of me brian it went off in brian
it went off in brian for a second it blipped did it yeah
just so you guys know it’s not me fucking it up
but u stream is just fucking up right now
if you can’t see red band
he’s actually
sticking his cock into the computer trying to fuck it
you can’t blame brian ladies and gentlemen don’t be mean
this is difficult to figure out the stupid shit out ultimately
i would love to have this on my website
on joerogan net
but right now i don’t think the technology is available
it’s not quite ready
but this is ideally the best way to do a show
you know this is way more fun than doing
some show that’s on television that nobody gives a shit about
you know i mean this is we could do whatever the fuck
we want you don’t have to look at it
i don’t want anything
from you no one’s getting paid
just for fun you know
you have interesting people over and you talk
right i mean like how many times have you done what’s about it
brian girl blaming me so i’m gonna keep my hands up yeah
i read brian on this
in the cone in situation how many times have you done like
a talk show and it’s like
you prepare for it it’s like a big deal
and then you you know sit down and you talk
to someone for like seven minutes
and you’re like i didn’t even say anything
you know we get to talk about anything i mean
i had a few topics that kind of got out of the way
a little bit but
fairly seventy thing and then
and every one of those shows are set up for that reason
that it’s just
nothing you just leave they’re going
that was nothing i didn’t say anything i didn’t even yeah and
that was a great appearance and you go
thank you two words
it’s like you if you’re on chelsea handler show yeah
those guys on there say like
four five words that’s it and then you’re done yeah
and then they’re done
yeah it’s real weird and then people go oh you were great
but that’s what they want
short attention span bing bang see this guy real quick
but i mean but that’s the if you want to go for like
if you want to go for like diaver you know just
just a shot in the dark with people
that’s what you should give them
you should give them the shortest quickest little things
as fast as you can so they don’t lose interest
but at the end of the day
do you want
the people that lose interest that easy to pay attention to you
no no it happens because you’re doing a numbers game yeah
but then again
i mean how many times using a youtube clip
and you start to open
it up you see
nine and a half minutes you’re like fuck it
i don’t even want to start
you know we’re all those people yeah
yeah but that’s
a youtube clip is totally different than something like this
you know
this is like cool because you can throw this on at work
you know and you’re doing some boring fucking thing at work
you could throw this on and watch it while you’re doing just
you know just enjoy
a bunch of people hanging around talking i like doing that yeah
i like watching fucking soldier boy
you know what soldier boy is yeah
i like watching them i like watch them
because he’s having a good time
i like watching that girl in the train do you see that video
the girl in the train singing
harshly singing soldier boy at some old lady oh yeah yeah yeah
oh blog people just
not that had nothing to do with the story
but they all have in good life
did you see that that was a very greatest video
i did somebody put
the subtitles yeah
don’t understand what she was saying
so great i like watching that kid you know why because
he’s like nineteen years old he’s worth some
fucking insane amount of money
he’s got diamonds all over his body he’s tattooed himself
tattooed his fucking face
tattooed his neck his arms his chest everything
and every video that i watch
he’s talking shit
dancing and freestyle rapping
talking about haters
talking about all the girls he’s fucking
talking about how the money
how much money has and how pretty he is
i enjoy the fuck out of it i really do
it’s entertaining a shit man i wish there were some
type of program that would follow your brain
like so you can look at everything
you searched in one hit me oh
that’s next dude
that’s because the next twitter the next twitter is you
show people what you’re thinking and watching yeah well
you could search oh well
i somehow went from
i started looking up
fights or something on youtube and then i found
the fight scene from the movie bodyguard
from way back in eighties
somehow my brain got from there
to where i was watching
a riding dirty
the song all cut to star trek wrath of khan
so it was all clip so khan was riding dirty
and i don’t know how my brain even
how do you kiss it you’re right i love that
progression how you took it back oh
i’m gonna watch his clips from something
conan said something funny leno
and then you clip that in the next thing you know i’m on
sold your boy on collect
and you have a wonderful time to go on youtube rods
and i go on porn rods
too where you know that’s the other start out normal
the next thing you know
it’s big dicks and asians blow jobs you get real specific yeah
yeah and then you type yourself that’s what
it’s recommended that’s your first video you watch that night
it’s just a girl with big tits blowing somebody yeah
that’s kind of hot and then how did i get to
yours that work acting includes that’s
horrifying yeah
that’s really kind of one of the craziest things about
pouring the internet like mozzo
you could just anybody from the computer
directly goes to it there’s no stopping it
you can go right to a dick going an asshole
you don’t have to pay
you don’t have to subscribe
i think that’s what these
sets ties people do it so much in the last few years well
they say girls or take it in the ass all the time now well
i saw
on one of the point sites they had like a comments section
underneath the thing
where people are complaining about all that girl looks beat on
that girl and maybe because i’m older like whatever happened
just being excited
you’re seeing porn yeah
now you’re now we’re so desensitized i’m gonna
judge that chick nah she’s not yeah yeah
they always judges chicks
these are professional hot chicks i know
but the old days johnny oh
my god they are excessing we can see it now i’m gonna jug
the even back in the eighties i had my favorites yeah yeah yeah
fuck misty ray i mean now
cause i can’t do professional porn anymore
i have to have it amateur
i have to have it on a cell phone
i have to have it
like i have to have it fake
if i see a flash bob go off in the room
like fuck this
all the fossils you so yeah takes me out of it
simulates you you’re feeling like this is really too people
like each other
or just are having real sex
are you porn
sick chicks is like looking at her watts there’s a porn sight
for people who like each other
num yeah her pussy just beat the fuck up
there’s a whole
old genre porn that’s porn people like each other
and it’s not all oh yeah
you like that it’s a little bit when the girls are hot
i want girls to be
fucked i just wanna know what they’re getting fucked
are you a for your brian
what generally are you looking for your
no not really i just want to know like it’s real yeah
she’s going on
it’s amazing
how many girls are getting spit on and slapping the face
it gets there’s a lot of that man yeah
you like that you do i like it i don’t like watching it
yeah i don’t really like pictures extra
i didn’t expect to love him i
loved it tell the story please she’s like hit me i was like
she was come and hit me
and i was like alright by the end i was fucking
boom with a follow through on the backhand oh my like hard
it was so fucking awesome how bad you heard her face
she took it i don’t know did she didn’t believe
didn’t open her up
oh my god i want you to be paranoid that
that’s what i would think too
that the girl would then go oh
thanks yeah this guy just knocked me around and
got to think of a chick so crazy
she wants you to beat her up chicken is look
yeah and then what are you gonna say she wanted
that mean i’m like also
you should look at her ass i mean that is fucking ready yeah
rape is a horrible terrible thing
but so is pretending you’ve been raped
i mean how many people have heard stories
about a girl gets mad at a guy
and just decides to tell people that he raped her
i had a friend who worked
worked he played for the chart lines when i was in detroit
and that happened to him he was with two girls back at
his place super nice guy the one girl jokingly said
you know what we could do is
we could say that you raved us and but how much money would we
get and they were like
she said it as a joke so immediately
said let’s go
knocked on his neighbor’s door and said hey
whatever meet my two friends
so he’d have one other person
to see their condition when they left
so they couldn’t then make up this story and i had another
famous friend
he would every time he’d hook up with a girl in a room
he was a way famous he’d go to the front desk girl
he’d walk out that girl and whoever’s there
he would stop so that girl would talk to it that person
so there’s one other person that see
she didn’t run out all disheveled like what just happened wow
just as a backup because you’re honest i just want to go to bed
see you later
yeah but you don’t know that girl so
you know to a lot i mean to a lot of people
people that are like famous
like some famous rock star or something like yeah
that person is like they’re they’re so unfair
their situation it’s so unfair
how much more they have yeah how much money
yeah how much better their life is it’s so unfair
that people feel like you owe them something
like you got an unfair amount
so let’s try to take from you so
there’s a lot of people that don’t even feel bad about like
fake lawsuits they don’t even feel bad
they feel like they’re like oh
the rich have the rich man fuck the rich they got
and how did you make that money if someone got fucked over
yeah you know this rock is gonna worse that man well
you just run over my foot do you set them the other day
and they like played back the video
he didn’t even get hit by the car
and he was just tryna hey
couldn’t the paparazzi’s ran
i always think of like
have some kind of thing we hit one button
and you zap
all the other like kind of computers that around you yeah
they have this spray in
it you know what the paparazzis is the same thing
they’re just a bunch of people
that are making a live and doing something negative
and this they don’t need to do that but it’s also
sort of negative because a lot of times
they call those people’s yes
i’ll be at the ib come meet me out front
right and go after them there’s a lot of people that like it
but when you’re chasing someone
someone’s all upset with you like
they have their kids or something
like dr drew by the way
we were talking about dr drew
i think his stance on pod is retarded
but he’s a really nice guy
i’ve done a show of
the loveline show and he’s i’ve met her much time
he’s a really cool guy
and he told me that he was in hawaii and
fucking paparazzi were taking pictures of his crit of his kids
him and his kids yeah and crazy or something well
it was worth something
that they make money man you get a like a juicy picture
you can make some madly
how about that picture of john travolta kissing that
dude somebody got paid
for that how bad was it i saw one of the lips
mmm i saw one of them
when you freeze frame or kiss
it’ll never look like a casual pencil it’s awesome
i love how john travolta rocks
a fabulous wig
you know and just yeah man it is some pictures he’s balding
another pictures get the best head of hair ever
it’s awesome the tmz i saw
one of the guys
who works on tmz one of the guys said we saw soon so
at the airport and
i wanted to go up to him so bad with a camera just
sticking in his face and ask some dumb questions and yeah
i probably could have sold that
to tmz that’s one of the things i wanted to do as a sketch that
will do it or just go fucking
order or can the guy that does tmz
can he handle that
fifteen minute show without taking a drink of water
because he has like a sippy cup
that he just there’s no way that’s water
so it’s evil because those guys are making fun of people
that are on tv
yet every one of them wants to be so famous and is enjoying
all the fame they’re getting from being on the show
but that’s legitimate too because some people like the way
they’re bitchy
like they wish they could be that bitchy
and they like watching them it’s like a form of entertainment
a lot of what the chosen handler show is too
yeah let’s shut on people we wish we could work with yes
exactly but you know what there’s a place for that
it’s the same thing as rich people to get upset at poor people
it’s like people were not famous they like fuck them pickad
go after tiger woods you know go find them
he’s got a billion dollars fuck him
like some woman actually said this on the jimmy kimball show
she was
running a website where people could find people’s houses
and or no no
no it was
you would say where the celebrity is at any given moment oh
yeah yeah
you would and jimmy kimmels don’t you understand
that there’s like stalkers or this could be dangerous
and she goes well
i’m sure that they sleep well on
all their money like
a bed full of money and it’s like really
like that’s how you look at it like it’s
you’re willing to put people yeah
put people like
especially young girls
like you know how some dudes get fucking really
nutty about young girls like they get crazy like
that one girl that got shot
it was like when i first came to hollywood
some girl got shot it was on a tiny shocker
wow people understand how black hair
she was really pretty
she was like a childhood not childhood star but like
twenty two year old four
she became famous when she was young and
some dude just got obsessed with her found out where she lived
she opened the door and shot her in the chest
if i don’t understand how scary like stalkers out when i
used to do radio detroit
this girl was in
the fifteen sixteen page letters not one
piece of white left on the paper so it was written
sideways anyway about
i had fun going out with you looking for a house
shit that never happened you know
i heard about your secret messages that
and then she went away and then she came back
and every time might be in detroit
she would leave these letters when your wife’s gone
and it’s just us
and you know crazy
stuff so i want to go get a restraining order
against her because she was showing up at my shows and
would find out where i would be and the judge wasn’t fucker
no no no good gosh no but it was
nothing nothing nothing
yeah yeah totally i just wanted no
no just trying to think how far back was this yeah yeah no
what was this it was
it’s been about ten fifteen years
and the guy wouldn’t the judge would not get what
she wanted he wanted to hear her
side of the story now i had
a stack of papers this big of her saying
she came to the raider station i worked out with some of my
stuff she goes john leptis it was an empty can of tuna fish
whoa junk mail and baby shoes right
and then she got to your house well
no this was from her place i guess
and then i had
stacks of letters saying i hear the secret messages
that you’re giving me i will respond to him when you say this
it means this
but when you go to his vial a restraining order the judge
you get less than a paragraph to write why
you don’t get to hand in any of the psycho stuff
so then and then he saw that and then
the guy who did it from he goes he’s a dude
he probably thinks you’re a pussy
that you can handle
the judge no
that because i’m a guy and i have this girl stalker
the judge thinks that yes
like you’re pushing your guy handle the girl
don’t bring us involved it was
his attitude so i couldn’t i couldn’t find that
was the judges attitude that’s what
and you know what
that was that was that was before that chick up
no this i tried doing this
i tried doing this a couple years ago
but it doesn’t
a year ago but it doesn’t apply to california
so i go through all this work
get it down to michigan
they come out to california
doesn’t mean anything you gotta refile one in california
she drop flies in texas to see you
doesn’t matter now you have to file one in texas really
and i’m a so i could imagine not put this information on yeah
yeah hey
you know britty murphy the actresses just died yeah
mom and her husband
has been doing it toward
all the talk
shows and i got to catch it today on the today show yeah
it’s how fucked up
your daughter just died and they’re fucking
they’re just sitting there like for no reason
not promoting anything and we’re trying to like do anything
but just like i’ve seen them on like four different talk shows
the last it’s weird but they do it for money and they do it just
like the people
attention or whatever it says only about their daughter
the worst is like
and coming up we have britney murphy’s mom
and britney’s murphy’s mom just sitting there
and she knows the cameras on she goes
and it was it’s not crying animally no no no
you find it on youtube are we hulu or whatever
and it is disturbing the watch
like it was so gross and the husband was so what
was the accusation
what is the you still don’t know
well what’s the isn’t there like your current
they were saying it was drugs but then they said
so it wasn’t
like that it was just so involved when she was young
i don’t think it was a weird
situational though really
it just came out to
shower is talking about heroin
and all their childs and sold ocean they still don’t know yet
but that’s kind of weird that they stone the well
it’s kind of weird
but isn’t it kind of where the husband did want an autopsy
yes you think
i think that’s very fun and if a thirty year old person dies
you want to know what the fuck happened
but not jewish are there
he doesn’t look jewish
why it’s against religion
it’s against your religion and you’ll see basic
what happens if you murder a jew though that’s fucking crazy
that makes it easy to murder you guys no no no shit we could
have a sinner standing you actually haven’t thought this out
we’ll have some our bodies we can get them on your bodies
yeah but you if you’re dead but if i just poison that cops
can’t give you an autopsy yeah
but because i just we just poisoned that
but now they’re not going to know
what’s all those drinking it what’s that monster on his neck
weird naked choked himself down
yeah it was it
that’s the story i’m sticking to it
yeah no autopsies i think there are certain situations where
they say if they’re afraid it might be let go
congenitive is that a word
heart disease or like the kids should know
if i should get treated for it congenital
i don’t know then they’ll they’ll allow me
i don’t know but they still
let’s go for that
but not just randomly to figure out what the cause of death is
still like he’s dead yeah but
anytime at you know a young actress dies and there’s medication
around there’s a lot of money
they do automatically do it no matter what
whatever somebody says don’t yeah or whatever my diet
don’t waste the money
people come on this is depressing change the topic
hey do you guys like cats
what do you think about oprah she’s so generous yeah
no i do paparazzi don’t give a shit about me
someone asked me if paparazzi chased me
they would make zero dollars off of my pictures
there’s no benefit and take a picture of me you have to stay
just under that level of fame
you have to stay in the level
of fame where nobody comes to fuck
so you can still work and
you don’t have to worry about your bills
and you can go out to dinner
but you don’t want to don’t get crazy
the best artist renders easy at that vince vaughn
while west convey tour like premiere
and then
there’s a party like across the street at some hip club
whatever on hollywood and
so we leave and all the popular outs there waiting
for vince vaughn and justin long and stuff
immediately degenerates or fucking piece of shit you know
he’s like giving it to him
and they were like hey the guy from palms it was oh hey
yeah that’s me everybody how are you
oh no
that’s fine
that’s hilarious yeah you know you can’t go to places like
you know who’s the best of staying out of that shit
when in controversial life you consider him
mark walburg
look guys never in the tabloids he’s a giant movie star yeah
he stars in gigantic
blockbuster movies and yet
he’s never in the tabloids that’s amazing you know who else
and he never even does interviews nicholson yeah
he’s just away from everything is it well they always
they would always catch him doing something creepy
just you know my shirt off at some beach and
looking like he’s bloated fucking weird
he’s still like we’re into seven
he’s rocking it with twenty year
old chicks that’s awesome
it’s really crazy
nicholson like he like
you know they did some interview with him real recently
we were talking about the different dates
he goes on
and then you know one night he’ll go out with a woman
that’s in her sixties and next night it’s in her twenties yeah
you know i mean just you know
i mean i always he was talking about it sexually
he was talking about friends you know like
his acquaintances that he has a very varied life
but you know he gotta appreciate that yeah
dudes getting twenty year olds and he’s fucking seventy
that’s how badass he is
that’s pretty crazy right
he’s defined nature with his fame
with his ability to pretend it overcomes the natural
his ability
to pretend and his money have done he should be john
in a natural world
he’s done with sex like that’s not yeah well
maybe he spends a companion his age
especially if there was no viagra yeah
you know i mean if there was no viagra
that would take a lot of dudes out of the game
take a lot of dudes out of the game a lot of old rich dudes
feel like what’s the fucking point
you know but right now they can
you know brian holtzman had to joke about that
now i like that because now
these young whores have to fuck these old men
and he goes and that is that sperm is like paint that’s been
in their basement for like a year you know that paintwork
it’s not a fresh product lead
he’s hilarious
it’s not quite called the sparkle he picked out
that’s it yeah that’s it
he’s one of those dudes
there’s a few dudes that over the course of
doing stand up comedy
that i’ve always gone how the fuck did that guy not make it
he’s one of them right
yeah he’s so good
so funny brian holtsman if you ever at the comedy store in la
that’s where brian
where he works out if you call the comedy store
call the commy store and ask when brian holton’s gonna be up
especially if something goes down the news
like i guaranteeing he’s got some fuck up
five minutes on haiti right now
you know don’t want to laugh at you like oh
no what you laugh at anyway
i had always heard about he did this thing on oj
but it was like amazing
and he only did it one time he tried to do it again
it wasn’t quite as good
just an awesome set about that
and then
nine eleven happened mitsy wouldn’t put him on
because we were closed
we were closed tuesday wednesday thursday
and then we opened up friday
saturday and she knew that he would get up and talk
about it
so she made the talent coordinator called him and said listen
we can’t put you on
like i’m sorry but it’s just yeah
he’s one of those guys that would take the opinion
most fucked up by default
he would automatically like go after
the victims and you know what did you do wrong
why were you in
that building yeah
what were you doing in the ass in that building
it’s just like
his takeout it would be so fucked up he went on on sunday
though because it opened
like his open night
and he did about fifty to fifty five minutes and it was maybe
one of the best sets of ever seen stanope was there watching
and stanope said i disagree with ninety five percent of this
but it’s so fucking goddamn good
because he’s so crazy his stance was fuck the cops
he goes but they’re not heroes now
why cause it did the job one time
because if i was one of the people jumping out of the building
i’d wait till a fucking cop is below me
so i could take him out too
this is on nine fifteen you know what everyone’s like
what are the crowds do when you see this
i don’t remember oh
i can be that you remember when that should drown their kids
yeah yeah holtzman goes
on stage like three days after this
chick johnson kids goes ladies and gentlemen
i heard those were bad kids
i heard they never put their blocks away
they sat that close
to the tv they’re always spilling their fucking milk
those kids will not be missed
and i went oh
my god i think we’re all i look too i heard there were bad kids
that’s one of
the most brutal and funny jonah people’s brains and
comedy is geared
because in my brain
just you know it’s weird how you fall into whatever
style of comedy
like i would never even think about to go that way yeah yeah
his rifle is on things but meanwhile he’s really friendly
like if he talked to him like offstage
like he’s not a dark guy at all he’s very nice
he always always
go get me coke when i was working the cover booth
like i did this
one coke called classic from the back
i was like max man i need to go back
get it and bring it back
i miss that dude
this is the factory sometimes too is he yeah
i gotta i got to go sometime
i had to find out when he’s playing and go performing
and he was always so cool
he’s so nice he is at the factor sometimes
he was always such a nice guy
there was one time when i got banned
where polly band me for like a weekend
and halstein was so nice about it what did he say about it
polybammy for a weekend because i got mad at him
because you got mad at him yeah
him and dean tried to corner me about something
and i told him he was a fucking idiot and that
he doesn’t appreciate the comedians that i’m not
working for him
it’s one right after
the minding the store came out
it was like he all the sudden was running the kami store
it was all sudden you know
it wasn’t like just a tv show anymore now
because the commerce store we’ve always done for free
you know i always not only did i work there for free
but i
donate all that when they had when they were giving me checks
they gave me like thousands of dollars for the checks
and i never cashed them
because i always knew that they were hurting for cash
so when it came time to do their taxes
i had to donate all that money back to them
and i paid for the sound system
i mean i treated that place like it was our place
you know it was a place
for comics the mics were cutting out
and that sound that sounds like crackly and rogan
bought it was like fuck
it just we gotta fix this i got that top of the line shit
i went and got the top of the line
cd recorder so dudes could make cds
and i put it all in there out of my own money because
just for love of the club
and then all sudden pollies running it i’m like man
i ain’t working for free for you
you know i’ll do it all for your mom but for you
no that’s battle now but who gets the store
i think he won corps polly won yeah
i think his brother gave up that’s what i heard
all these brothers
i’ve all the years i’ve lived here i think i’ve been in there
one time really
and i look great i’ve been in
that bar area just hanging i went with
some comic but i don’t think i’ve ever met a hundred stage here
i walked by yesterday he was like i think i’ve been here four
times i never
so crazy not all careers
never really been performing in los angeles
that’s what that’s what he was saying yeah
but you’ve done sexy improv i’ve seen you again yeah
the improv and then i think
i think i’m banned from the laugh factory
which too we were talking about guns
and the dude owns it’s a real pacifist
and jamie jamie banned you for talking about guns yeah
that i was on for the next week and then
i got call and said no you got called
they didn’t just not give his thought no i called like
whoever don’t like so tomorrow was so good yeah no
i got asked and then
you talk about guns non stage where was all stage conversation
and it’s like he’s like
wait you have gun damage you want to kill people i’m like
no i enjoy shooting you have gun yeah i
enjoy shooting them but if they came in my house then
then i killed them listen
jamie quit worrying about what comics have in their house
and yes
more than introducing little kids than michael jackson oh
constantly it’s like that’s a way bigger problem
i’m having a locked gun in this house
he’s not joking around he’s not joking around
jamie was introducing
children that are on the make a wish foundation
right was a make a wish or something yes
kids are sick
he was introducing them to michael jacks you say introducing
i say pimping
what’s the difference buddy
buddy he’s not pimping
he’s genius buddy he does not want to fuck to ask
i think i don’t think that
i didn’t do anything i don’t think michael jackson
fuck those kids
because i think where are the bodies
there would be not just one kitty fucked he’d be fucking
hundreds i think he probably fucked eight to ten
i don’t think he did i think it
i think it’s much more likely that we talked about this before
right yeah
i think it’s much more likely that he’s just
completely fucked up
and was molested when he was a kid and abused
and he grew up in the public eye
and he grew up as a baby and like being famous and just
he’d already go back to drug user
i believe in the power of the huge rumors and i think he’ll do
what about the terrible in the ass do you believe that one
i’m going to just because of that theory
what about what everybody says to point some other gay
kids killed
mikey from life syrup because he saw him without his makeup yeah
not little rumors of people like what is
tiger got his name because that’s
guitar that lives down the block from you made that one i
did that river did you leave your fucking name
but the richard gerber rumor
that moved rumor traveled the whole country
that’s a crazy rumor
kermetsky told me he asked
whatever kind of doctor that is it goes has never been any
recorded documentation
of any animal up someone’s butt you know saul
that’s actually
you can go to internet and see
those coming out of girls assholes
they’re just because
that should happen to every year and say that that’s what
i said that guy’s an idiot
nobody that guys either diet or still on aol
yeah he’s going to net nanny
like dude you’re missing the good sights son
you ain’t never seen the eels come out like
that was really weird
kept coming out oh
i kept thinking was the same one that was like
octopuses up their assholes
yeah man there’s there’s some shit going into people’s bodies
if you can think of it
do you see the the video of the dude who
has been shooting silicone into his dick for six years no
but how delicious is that
it looks like a someone
some dude on twitter i don’t remember your name
i apologize some dude on twitter
said it looked like a shaved dead rabbit
and it does you gotta see it
i’ll throw the link up for you guys and i will
we’re gonna watch it right now
but i’ll throw the link up so that you guys can see it on
toshto pointo
it’s a show on e
where they talk about internet videos they played it
and they couldn’t show that video
so they just showed the audience’s reaction
so they’re all just sitting there and something
all of them just bought faces
that’s funny
okay i can’t find it must have been from a couple days ago
i tweet too much
we’re on two hours right now judges you know
so what man we’re having a party here
we’re not really on two hours we didn’t start on time
it’s only four o’clock right now brian oh
four o’clock you fucking faker
you’re saying it like you counted the time we’re on two hours
fifteen minutes
i just looked at four or five minutes about two hours
you took a wild shot sorry
i wasn’t completely accurate with the minutes shut up
okay i’m trying to find this
dead rabbit how’s tanka bryan
tits i renamed them it’s tekki now tekki you renamed them
one day and then i who’s this
then i yeah i agree with ari that’s what names and things
invisitism they always say i don’t believe in it
but that’s they always say you don’t fuck with someone’s name
yeah well let’s god with lamb
yeah you don’t you don’t want to
change the name of your cat the cat has already
destroyed a keyboard
logitech keyboard he hates anything technology he knows
he went up to my keyboard i started using my keyboard he ran in
what’s that noise
jumps up and starts taking his calls and ripping keys
if i use my camera if i turn on a camera
he sees the camera from across the room
charges me and tries to grab the camera i have like videos
are you considering
giving it back to the adoption agency he’s a kitten yeah
and that’s what they do
but it’s just what you reincarnation
maybe that person was just like
it’s killed by technology yeah
you know technology killed him so he’s like
this is a plot of ghost dad too
maybe this catch is made out of technology
nice normal guy haircut today brian by the way
what this is the most normal dude i’ve ever seen your hair
out of the shade all right here’s the i just put it up online
i just put it up online
so you guys i twittered it the address of the dude
who injecting silicone into his dick for six years
we’re gonna watch it right now because it is that fucked up
it is something
that you need i just clicked on it right now
so what’s loading up
right now check this shit up
what’s that music
what’s the music
damn that’s
our website for the back for the website
we’re getting feedback in the noise too
what the fuck about me you too right there
no no no
it’s the worst when you have twenty seven
like tabs open up and like that’s so fucking annoying
what is that
we have to find it
one of these things that’s the guys balls
okay let’s see it here here we go
so that’s all that seriously why would you want look at this
expect to hold it
why would you want me to back it up
hold on oh my guess how would you like to name it though
oh it’s funny we list i can’t watch
look at that oh my god
he’s been injecting silk on into his dick for six years
can it get hard
no is that all head on top
and then that’s that all head look at it so that’s all that is
to hold it
look at him that’s weird that’s a weird laugh yeah yeah
how weird could it be he’s ejecting silicon into his fucking
how normal then
i mean look at that that’s insane
i can’t want six years of injecting silicon
have left my averageation
hear what this is saying
six years
it’s unable to have sex i see a really young guy and i think
i’d like to fuck his ass
i was good at abby
oh he’s straight but this is the pleasure
the adventure
the experience that i’ve gotten from this
way way way better than
whatever fifteen minutes of
pleasure that i would get for what did it syrup straight
what has he got
an example what does people see as balls in this
deck i can no longer stand up to pee because
it would just
kind of go everywhere you know it’s difficult to control
and so i started learning about okay
i have to sit down but you know what
i’ll tell you about some other adjustments in a second
all these adjustments though
they just add to the excitement for me
because it’s just another reminder
and it’s part of the odyssey
of all of this
i was sitting down to pee for a long time well
then the size got to be that
when i would sit down
i’d get wet it would
get dunked into the water and a lot of toilets
including my own here
and so i would have sort of squat over the ball you know
i think that just the fact that people
look at me and either wonder what’s going on
what is that
you know the basic questions that people
ask can you still have an orgasm things like that
i’m getting people to think
and i’m challenging their ideas of
what a penis should look like
yeah that’s we should function
and so but jers is the only penis that does that and challenging
he’s giving him a challenge are you challenging a brain man so
you’re not thinking two down the gauntlet bitch
this is the crazy thing boy so he pulls around his attention
no would you like to name it though
i mean this guy’s like so happy to be pulling out his dick
look at this
look at that everything is not a part of grandpa
that’d even really look at penis in any way
it really looks like a basketball
he’s challenging your perceptions all right
what the fuck let’s go let’s go fuck a horse i’m getting tired
nutty is that dude
there’s other ways you can challenge people to think
yeah maybe you know
what is that when dudes like tattoo
their dicks and put barbells through them what’s going on there
they just i think presentation
presentation i don’t i don’t presentation
i hit a silver platter
with a cock with a spur through it
it works and there’s many girls that are into that is there
ladies let’s take a little twitter poll
how many girls are really into dudes with like
tattoos and barbells in there same shit with girls
put that barbell in
their vaginas and you like that and if you say yes
how smelly it makes me sad
the barbell and the pussy makes me sad
i don’t really like it but i’m not that’s against it
is there a single girl that ever
has gotten a barbell in the pussy that’s not a slut
not how is anything wrong with sluts i
don’t say slut in any negative way
i mean a girl that’s down to party
i’ll say that instead
i mean there’s no prudes that get their cliff pairs no
you get your clip pairs you’re signing a fucking very standard a
message yeah
because you can’t say i don’t really
do this and the guy would go well
you have a license yeah
you clearly do have a license player yeah
you have
that right there says you you’re in the you do
you feel like your vagina will be so public yeah
that you need to wrap it up a little bit
apparently some sandwich that’s from a documentary on dicks
this that guy with the fucked up dick
it’s from a documentary that’d be a good one to watch
take viagra and try to knock in
direction the entire time you watch that documentary
every time it moves it like no
no just punch yourself
yeah that would be funny if you gave guys you got yeah
there’s something there you gave guys like a really high
dose of biagra and then you made
it watch gay porn
and you would have to get bonus
you had girls
girls touching them
they were a lot of pocket dudes massaging your best oh
that’d be way better
guys massaging your bet they give you viagra and ecstasy
let me see if you guys yeah
you can’t the first guy then
you would definitely get art i mean no
there ain’t no question oh so sad
challenge match
yeah yeah that would be a funny i mean we
just find somebody who’s really no
there’s no way them
gaze are gonna get married i don’t want that you know those
that’s not right
slip fire okay
slip fire right
yeah just take one have some guy just
glowing in your ear and see what happens just have some really
soft boy smells pretty rubbing your back
slow passional angels along what’s going on over
he’s got oils and the feminine voice like is that it okay
yeah just a
mission and feminine now so the dip just starts getting hard
it’s pretty void yeah
that’s hilarious
just whispering and you know truck drivers have sore backs oh
yeah right there you got it is that it right there
we’ll fix you up
we’ll fix you up
no worries i heard bobby kelly talking about this on tuesday
but like why that was even
insult why faggots even that bad
you’re like they’ve never done anything
to me why is that like
you’re a no i’m not i’ll fight you to prove that i’m on a day
i was like what what is a difference
but like yeah if you get a little
thing when some guys touching you it’s like
whatever cares
i don’t like when dudes touch me because
of dudes you’re thinking about fucking me
i know how i am when i think about fucking girls and
i don’t want anybody thinking about me like that
because you know
if you want to fuck somebody like
you’re you’re into them you’re going after them
a dude doing that to you
if doesn’t want to listen to the fact that you’re straight like
hey i don’t like that yeah
and then it keeps going out to you that’s like disturbing yeah
yeah i mean
this time you’ve ever tried to go after a check
like the most clumsy in your history
could you imagine someone doing that to you
a guy doing it to you like you’re drunk and stupid and
why is that dude doing that to you
you feel so uncomfortable and gross and negative get me away
i don’t want you raped my gay
friend of college is always do that
do creep bob dudes people get aggressively homosexual
when guys get trump
they get crazy if i was kissing another one of our friends song
he’s like but i’m the ah kiss
it was like alright angela calm down
i’m like that did that what was that guy’s name jason
something or another he was
really flamboyantly gay and he would get aggressive
and we were all in montreal
it was like four or five of us i don’t remember
who it was talking to i think
bobby slate and i think was one of them
but he came over
and it was like the end of the night and he was like you
know i’m stuck at someone’s dick cause it couldn’t be yours
i’m like hey man get the fuck out of here
you should find a gay dude for that yeah well
that’s you really worked very hard
straight dudes
i mean
think about how hard it is for a straight god to get laid
and i think about how hard it is for a gay god to get late
like their numbers are low yeah
but such a higher percentage when you find your rubers yeah
yeah if you go to like
you know
boys town or something you go to santa monica boulevard yeah
you’re gonna get a lot there but if you’re in like
thousand oaks looking for gay sex
that’s tough action yeah
you know you gotta find them you gotta go to church yeah
find them in the store you gotta do something
you gotta figure out
you gotta pound on walls
in the army and they’re like the forties and fifties and sixties
where people grew up in small towns had never
seen they just thought they were weird for these feelings
but they didn’t know
the ones that grew up in new york
and i like obviously i know about gaze so the ones who grew up
and then they go to the army
all the time they find other gaze and they find each other
and say oh
well in the army apparently that’s like a real problem
especially in the navy when dudes are on boats
there was a dude
that we knew that was going away to the navy
his bro the little brother was going away to the navy
we’re all sitting around eaten with them
and i just as a joke i said man you need to learn some jujitsu
so you could fight off the rape on the boat right
and he goes yeah
man fucking fuck that man that shit happens i go
what do you mean
it happens i go dudes really rape dudes on the boats he goes
well you know
it’s not that big a deal
okay what’s not that big a deal he goes well
i’ve been in for a year i only know four dudes
oh what
you know four dudes who have been raped by men
and you’ve only been the navy for a fucking year
could you imagine if you do four comments that get raped
he’d be like fuck comedy man
people the income are getting rich well
how often i mean like never go there
if somebody started rapid ufc commentators i’m like
i’m gonna watch that shit from my house
good luck fucking
two guns in my lap
fuck you what are you crazy
for dudes he was only in the navy a year
would that it had happened over that year or he during that year
he knew a ford dude to god races wow
i mean how many people was he coming in contact with
even though the navy’s gigantic that’s that’s a big number
if it’s a few thousand
still fuck
do you ever come close to join in the military or anything
yeah i had
a recruiter show up at the grocery store i worked at
it was for the air force i thought of it oh
he went to my high school and then i remember him
how old is that yeah like seventeen eighteen
and then when i wrestled in high school then he
this recruit i don’t know if he saw our heavyweight and goes yes
i’m looking for john hefron and then
this guy started laughing he’s like
he’s too small because that when i was in high school
i was maybe five six hundred
i think i wrestled the hundred five pounds okay
so i didn’t grow to laugh like three years one of five
one or five is
not even a real wait as you want i wrestle
i know right
a hundred five pounds like yeah you’re pretty smart yeah
you just say you would fuck john if he was a hundred pounds
i would have to see a picture
when were you thinking about join the military at the same time
seventeen eighteen it was
kind of interesting
instead of college or like fuck it yeah
i was gonna go for college
like it looks like a national guard i was like you can get paid
and i had to put up some cones
during a flood or something i really want to be
five five
do you remember
that’s the post administration changed all that bulls yeah
the national guard used to be a safe way to not go
to war to war
and you’re helping people you’re still getting money
collective duty and they split families up and it’s
well even look if you look at rambo
remember it was all national guard guys went after rambo
and the whole movie was making fun of these national guard guys
like yeah
they don’t know how to do anything
hey i gotta get back to the store
and now the natural guard guys are as badasses anyone else yes
a dude i do jujitsu with and he
was in the army reserve for twenty years
and twenty days left in his twenty year tour
twenty years
twenty days left they sent him to iraq for a year and a half
so if they start before that your time is over
you can just
lock you in it doesn’t matter and they can bring you back
they can bring you back anytime they want they recall you
they’re hurting so bad nowadays
that i’m surprised they’re not just like oh
you’re an eagle scout you gotta get a fucking iraq
i think it’s actually
not about you talk to there’s a lot of dude to go over there
because they think they’re doing the right thing
there’s a lot of dudes like pat tilman
due to join the army
and join the name
they think
they’re doing it to protect this great country especially
then in like two thousand one
two thousand two people once they get in
then they realize you’re getting fucked
and that’s what happened with patelman
i mean he was a huge critic as was his brother of
how fucked up things are over an iraq in afghanistan
and you know
obviously one up killing
they killed friendly fire
i remember a year ago
i went out i did a show and it got back to hotel room
and i googled oldest ages to join an army
i was like you’d be old as fuck right nah he bumped it up three
two forty three but that’s like twenty years longer than
that would you be enlisted there or no you do it no straight to
officer corps i heard a couple things one
they would like say i joined at you know forty
they give me a job that and take
a nineteen year old all that job
in the throw that man nineteen year old office line
so like the older guys is like
but i know one my wife’s friend
she’s in arbone ranger
she said she has
privates in her thing that are like thirty seven
thirty eight years old
private you know just
guys that are
dudes man that have no fucking money
and they don’t have anything
in their town
and there’s no option
like something to do what’s the difference
you’re taking care of the rescue you’re gonna go to war
ari’s like oh yeah now
it’d be a major problem
i’m tired of general it’s like i don’t know
we’ve been at war for eight years dude
nas it’s two thousand way yeah yeah
yeah we’ve been at war for eight years
man joining the military for the last decade is
but no joke yeah
you know it’s just
what the fuck man
it’s when i was a kid vietnam ended
when i was a little boy
and i remember thinking very clearly that oh
this is a good thing cause now
there’s not gonna be any more war
like obviously
everybody hates war is we’re never gonna go to war again
and then when i was like twenty one was the first golf war
me and my buddy
jimmy detilio were sit we had an apartment together
and waltham massachusetts so ethnic it was athenatolio
hanging out waltham
and we’re sitting in front of the tv
and the fucking the first strike happened
and they showed the missiles coming in the bombs going up
and i was like holy shit
and we
me and jimmy watched it like we were watching a football game
we were like dude we’re at war
holy shit i remember being in college
then and the two guys i lived with were all
reservist and then they got called up
so they were probably twenty twenty
one years old twenty two
got call up and went down to
they were gonna start to help train
at the time
everybody was like just give me a draft just give me a draft
we all thought cause we were that at that age or twenty twenty
one we’re like
holy crap we’re going yeah
oh yeah that was a serious talk about yeah yeah
so scary man i remember when the first golf war happened
we’re practicing a basketball
and it was the open night with some play
some high school play and someone came in like the play bomb
the plane
the planes bomb but i just got things like the play bomb
i was like why are you breaking up a practice with it
since so
yes i’m a little happy about it
yeah the whole thing is so surreal
i got woken up
i don’t remember who woke me up
somebody woke me up call being told me that
america’s under attack yeah
that’s what i said america’s under attack
and i was like what turn the news america’s under attack
and we just are so removed
from all the shit that goes on in the rest of the world
we are so removed from what war really is unless
you talk to someone
who’s actually been over there and come back
and they have a very
different opinion of it
but we’re so fucking removed from it over here when i saw that
shit on tv i was like what really
like this isn’t a movie
i was like your heart starts beating faster it’s like
all of a sudden
this team you’re on
is under attack
you know i mean it’s not you
but it’s like we’re all in this team together
and then you don’t think
about that through your day to day life
you can say you’re happy to be an american
shit and you believe in democracy and i’m a republican
but you don’t really
realize you’re on some team
until team’s attack right
and then you like so dudes that did nothing
dudes who didn’t know these dudes came over and killed them
just because they were living on this spark yeah
they were living in this
patch of dirt so people were killing them
that’s it i thought that was only movie shit
my brother’s over there now
is he up can’t stand he just got called up again oh my god yeah
that’s what happens
when you go through a tour
if you sign up for the military
dick cheney instituted some new situation where they can just
kind of keep bringing you back
police deal in active reserve
so he knew he was eventually called up again
but when they
were in situation
where people
were done their tours and they were bringing them back yeah
oh randall masker how long are you gonna ask the same question
over and over and over again
there’s some dude asking a question over and over again
i’ve seen it ten times you just rewarded him joe
who gets more women
why are you reading it huh just rewarding him
no i just he’s still doing
all right well
we’ll yeah when people ignore you
sometimes you ever make a joke like in public and nobody laughs
and then you hear somebody like
make the same joke again because they assume nobody heard them
it’s like dude
look at the response and fucking
take that to mean
they didn’t find it funny
the worst that someone thinks you
weren’t listening and they say it again yeah
one that means it’s not in the moment
just trying to make this job
this guy says all the branches other
than the army are overloaded actually
no i believe that now
now i think he’s probably telling truth
i would think that in this economy i would there’s a lot yeah
a lot of people are it’s a lot higher than
look at what was it how long two years ago new rollins you know
we didn’t have enough people to sit in there
you know
two years ago wasn’t it wasn’t it a lot more than two years ago
when was katrina
what year was that
maybe it was longer
cause that was when i first heard about kanye west
when he was like george bush hates black people
that was my favorite
was michael myers reaction because he’s just a hollywood guy ooh
i do not want to be associated with you just so uncomfortable
i know he got so i mean that was like one of the blackest
most dangerous things and it was like
why am i in this picture
george bush does not like black people
george book hates black people
right you say hazer does not like
he said hates black people hates yeah
he said hates you just hates black people yeah
you know why why is that guy still on tv that’s fine
but now he’s on tv because
he’s a douchebag
and because people are looking for him to do something wrong
he’s like his face is gonna be on tv
is evolved it used to be like here’s this young artist
now it’s like this guy’s such a cock like having
close to the camera it’s probably up again do something
stupid never to hate him
and it’ll get you million hits on youtube
you know like when he took that microphone away from that girl
he’ll be hated forever
you don’t do that what was even worse was his
fake apology on leno later he’s trying to work up tiers
but he couldn’t quite do it oh
he’s so weak and he was just
saying he’s gonna take a step back
and he’s not gonna work on some show he’s gonna
let’s just shut the fuck up
my favorite is one that he says just please just let me be great
just let me be great boys
george boys doesn’t care about black people doesn’t care yeah
that’s what i thought it was
thank you aradder boy
yeah hate is a very strong word
hate my admires flinch and pee a little
made a little dribble go
i just could ruin my career
what happened to that dude mike myers yeah
it was they’re actually making a new awesome powers movie yeah
the last movie let it die awful that last movie was deaf
tarantino put him in
put him in gloria’s bastard and it was horrible
it was so like why is this
it was weird because it wasn’t being funny
so then it’s like why would you put clearly
someone who’s known as a
comedic actor
we ate michael miles
did that last movie the wrong way was like dude
you’re doing the same movie but
yeah but it’s an indian so i married next mother wasn’t bad
cuz he wasn’t overdue
he was just like a little bit like
i never saw that that’s a great movie ten years ago
people are asking to take a take a break why
because we’ve been on straight for a while
what does that mean
they can’t leave the fucking screens they don’t
break the bathroom when they get up well
gonna answer we’re done we’re done because it’s four thirty
and i have to
do some sort of an interview with some people in australia
for a gig i’m doing in australia
just i’m not trying to drop names
i’m saying i’m doing it in australia
checking it into national style like my boy soldier
boy holler what happened to that guy
i thought this is a knife guy oh yeah
he got as famous as was possible for him
he was huge somebody just made a reference paul hogan right yeah
was that a goblin
was that a family guy or simpson
just made a reference about him
so i want to get hugely famous like that guy from crocodile
hunter and then not crocodile crocodile dundee yeah
and then not famous at all like that guy from crocodile dundee
yeah how weird is that it was gone
i was doing movies and shit i took his millions and left
yeah you know what it did
just go to the hollywood
no i think we got sick of them as a pastry
but i think people just we only did two crocodile dundees
and then no other movies didn’t try to like
being someone else’s film yeah
we didn’t see him in a romantic comedy you don’t think you want
you know you’re the crocodile guy
they must have lost some money on his movie
and said fuck him
have you seen the preview for the new mcgruger movie
you’re making a whole movie about it
you may have a whole movie coming out and usually
mcgruver mcgruger it’s a take
on saturday live
there’s a movie and they’re making a movie
and they have the new preview
that just came out
and the funny thing about snl
movies is that they usually always
have the best parts in the preview
there’s not one part in this one that looks good you guys
it’s that is the worst
when you go to a preview and you just sit there and go oh
what the fuck are they doing
why would someone
like promote them yeah
there’s nothing worse than bad comic because at least bad dramas
hilarious you know
bad drama like show girls or something like that those are
genuinely funny movies
you know i got some
left behinds they’re
the rapture videos that that fucking
kirk camera dude makes holy shit are they awesome
they’re so good they’re so beautifully stupid
watching kirk camera
get owned on youtube is one of my favorite pastimes he’s so dumb
i saw kirk karen movie
did you really the one who’s on debate team
i don’t remember what it was but it was like a group date
on a lever and a few other people
we got driven there
it was a debate movie
and i remember the big climax at the end was like
because some teacher taught them into clear
move to the rest of the movie that
he sounded like he was being real but he really wasn’t
and then later was like are you serious about that yeah i was
i guarantee you
kurt cameron loves the cock
i guarantee you he loves the cock
there’s no doubt about there’s no way he’s that crazy gung ho
jesus the rapture no sin no masturbation no thus
fucking gay as the day is on
that’s what you know what i think is relighting it with every
fiber of his being
trying to stay in the straight and narrow and
like girls and nywan who just wants fucking cough
hot mouth i just said that
hershel walker was talking about when you doing his fight
uh huh strike voice and he said he doesn’t masturbate yeah
but he’s crazy
hershel walker has got like a split personality disorder yes
i heard it was trauma related i thought it was trauma related
he said that like he didn’t forget
his highest metrophy like he’s got all these different
well dude
think about how many times i got must have had concussions
i don’t know if he’s a big concussion got it though
he plays football
everybody gets concussions play football right
quarterbacks get it no
a quarterback
like who’s had the most it would be like eight ever
but that’s quarterback to take blindside hits all the time
who was standing there with somebody fucking crushed them
helmet to helmos yeah
but anytime you get hit okay
even if you’re not getting a concussion
you’re getting fucking rattled
even if you get up
and you get back up when you get smashed into
by some giant dude who’s running full clip
even if you don’t go out
and even if you don’t have a concussion where
your pupils are dilated
you got some braid damage sun you just got jarred
you know that’s reality
and when you do that shit over and over and over again
the football is one of the most dangerous i saw
ben rothasburger last week
no what about ben rothsburger
was there a big quarterback whoever it was oh
kurt warner who threw it in reception went to make a tackle
and then he just got wine sided
and you see him on the ground with this trainer’s over him
and he’s like talking
but you can clearly see he’s not making any sense he’s like
no no i mow the
and you’re like they’re like our stay stay
that’s nuts i got a lot of wonky cushion once caught a
danny bounded yuchi hit me in the back of the head
where it’s barn
not in
and i kind of went down
but he said it was a slowest
knockout ever like i went to one knee and he goes are you okay
and i was like yeah yeah i’m good
and then i went to the other knee are you sure
yeah everything fun
i’m just gonna like literally i’m just gonna
to lay here for a second we have time
if i could lay here that’s what i’m saying to him oh
long story short
the girlfriend i was dating at time came to my apartment
goes you bought a vcr and i go no
there’s the best buy with the vcr thing over there whose is it
go over it’s my signature
bought a vc this is about
tvg’s though so like i even want like bought the older
vcr and i bought it the way home after i left the place wow
you didn’t realize you bought it
and then she goes what’s the matter with you or whatever
and i go well
spawn and done then she’s like you look and then we went to the
doctors and then i lifted up a foot
and then the whole thing yeah wow
that sounds like a state of when you
pick up and somebody’s like well
there’s my football players instead you don’t remember
like trike which
you would play
a whole quarter and didn’t remember playing the whole
joe dirts fighter such as joe dirts flop patricote
it was an awesome fight patrick co take cardam with big shot
had dirks and hurt
then dirks and wand up taking his back and choking him out
it was fucking
chaos great fight
and i ran into dirks and after the fight we were on the way
the press conference i go dude that was a fucking awesome fight
what a comfort behind victory goes i don’t remember it wow
what happened i go
you don’t remember what happened oh man he cracked
me i don’t remember what happened i didn’t got his back
but this wasn’t even an interview that was just me and him
backstage you got his back
and you did the the bjpen
you pulled the hook over the arm
trapped the arm
and you chucked him out i go was beautiful man
wait till you see it
he said i don’t remember it wow
that’s cool
there was that one guy who did interview it
he goes i don’t remember that number i thought it was a joke
and he was like
oh i no i don’t know i know i don’t remember this at all yeah
cole or miller against dan boson yeah he got he got dropped and
what were you thinking how badly
we heard when he got dropped he goes i got dropped
he didn’t yeah when it came on it oh wow
i did it like his reaction was so real tim sylvia
when he fought
what’s his name randy couture when tim sylvia
got cracked in the first round
he woke up going into the fourth round yeah
he didn’t know what rattle was he thought the second round
was the fourth round
or he thought the fourth round was the second round
it was awkward
so he missed two rounds or the
fifth i think it might have been the fifth
because they told them like this is the last round he was like
what the last
round like he thought it was like the second round
like he was gone
he was fighting on autopilot
it’s just your party your body try not to die
you know just random nerves just randomly thrown blasted
i love like striking training i love like hitting the pad
and hitting the bag
and spawn with somebody you can trust as fun yeah
if you can find that guy that knows seventy percent
is seventy percent
you’re seventy months you in the face recently in
your clock problem i got a clock yeah
same thing that’s why i like i enjoy drink like you said
we’re doing
literally i go let’s go forty percent because i got to
and if you know
people don’t know when you do like striking spawn
the whole deal is that you don’t hit each other hard you look
you hit each other like
a little bit but you don’t try to knock each other out yes
so i’m like and my promise is
i don’t get in close enough so i told the guy
let’s go forty that way if i do get drilled right in the face
it’s not gonna
so then i throw a kick
but i’m throwing a kick at forty percent
which means any little kick could grab that kick yeah
it’s not going fast
so he swoops it grabs it and then
blast punches as hard as he could
after he catches my foot and then i’m just
laying there i want yeah that’s what i’m gonna do more jujitsu
because the worst thing
it’s gonna happen to me is somebody’s gonna
tap me out yes i mean that could be that fluke weird
but it’s more of a gent not a gentleman’s board it’s just
more technical
it’s more technically what happened is i go like that
and i’m not going man
are you just weird plant we’re
drilled in the face let’s slow down good guys don’t hurt you
good guys are the least you have to worry about like with a guy
like eddie if he gets your arm he’s gonna have full
control he’s not gonna pull it back and snap it
you gotta worry about strong
blue belts that are just starting to learn how to tap people
those are the ones
you know or you know like they just
real hyper aggressive and they don’t know how to relax yet or
super powerful white belts
who just learn and moves
most will get its bruises all
over your fucking hair when you spar
somebody especially
like if i find a place wherever i’m performing
that’s a better story for them yeah
his dean knocked out the comic that was
that’s a way better story than
hey i want to work on getting inside do you mind if i
i’m going to go to some places that you go to
and people don’t try to do that at all
like when i want to amal eastern’s place in
when i moved there and i started training there
people couldn’t have been nature
yeah everybody was cool
there was no assholes
there was no aggro dudes no one trying to tap
you no one getting crazy
i mean they were trying to tap you but they
weren’t they weren’t trying to crash on
you know they were just rolling it was it’s
it’s all from how cool the instructor is
the instructor is cool that the people are cool like
eddie’s so friendly
and so relaxed and so
cool to everybody that everybody in the whole gym
carries that friendly relaxed attitude
you know you go to like john jocks the same thing
but john jock’s a real nice guy
so everybody there’s nice and he was
so high there
that he started talking
and he wanted to hand it and then i was like i wonder if
and then you see
look at what laughing like he’s gone
you got so high you spent the first
five minutes of class
talking about some history channel documentary on ufos
the first five minutes like dude they got scientists man
they got nasa nasa people
man she’s going down
she’s like dude it’s on the history channel shit’s going down
i’m like how high are you right now
often you do dude once once to one point five times a week
we still have tea
even that once yeah
get you thinking about it i just get so mad
at myself like i’ll go
and you learn some stuff and then you come back
and you just hold somebody going i used to remember something
i don’t remember the and then try to hold them more
you gotta just be like running
you just stand on
you can take a couple of weeks off and you try to do your act
like how’s this go
you don’t even remember your bets you have to like review your
recordings i forgot a shit i took extended period off
and i forgot a shit and i was like yeah
i know i can do something here i don’t have any idea yeah
you forget a lot of shit
i forgot completely forgot how to do this
this is this
move to break the arm bar loose called the silverado
it’s my favorite move and i was a purple belt i
completely forgot about it right
reviewing it the other night i’m like oh yeah it’s there
and that’s how it goes in
you know
i forgot how to do it but it was like one of my favorite moves
it’s weird jujitsus
there’s so many moves that’s the crazy thing about it is
do you think it’s not matched right you think
year from now some guy would do something that
comes off a lot of people do it yeah
so that’s based on what you do
but then no one has ever thought to defend this movie because it
has been invented
so once it does get invented
then you’ve got to have a counter
there’s this new move that dudes have been doing
real recently called the japanese necktie
and it’s just come out
like i think iogi was the first person to do it
and in the groove yeah
it’s no japanese necktie is like a it’s sort of like a doris
but you grab it
you grab it with a gable
grip when you turn the guy’s head up towards
his chest
and you have your chest pinned on him it’s fucking nasty
it’s one of the bed and it’s new
it’s like how did the one know this before right right
yeah people are in this position
all the time they’re trying to get the dogs choke
but really there’s even better choke that’s right there
as soon
as you lock up that gable grip and you get on top of a guy
you tuck it under
and you’re bending his fucking neck towards his chest
your chest is on top of his head he’s got no air no blood
whenever we do those drills and it’s those cranks oh
i always pretend like we have an odd number of people
in the class that i don’t have partner no
you should do it man
it’s gonna hurt yeah but you do it anyway you gotta relax
just let them let them yank your nicara
it’s such a small difference between fine and serious pain
yeah but you gotta get used to that
you know no one’s gonna hurt you doing that you know
but it’s gonna be uncomfortable
but that move is it’s so important to learn how
where it comes on
because like the japanese necktie comes on so quick
the peruvian necktie too it’s like
you’re going like this and then you’re just
jumping back and hopefully don’t go too far
but it’s a spazzy move it’s awesome move
the proving nekti ended
japanese necktie both of them are the shit
they fucked you up man
it’s a terrible position to be in
i think the japanese necktie’s even well
proving is pretty badass too
in the proving you got your weight on top of them always
the japanese nectar you’re kind of like on the side
and hooking it
but it doesn’t matter it’s so good
such a powerful move like that
wow i think we’re done do you agree brian
i was just thinking of japanese people
i’m like have i ever seen a japanese guy wearing it
well what about that fucking japanese video game
that video that you posted
maybe we should end with that
because that is the most bizarre fucking thing
i think i’ve ever seen on the internet
there’s some crazy japanese video game
that’s like these two muscle bound gay guys were in diapers
and they’re a human bicycle
and they’re riding on the road and they’re
getting chased and
i mean it is
one of the gayest weirdest things deafenies lead the lead
the league in weirdness
they’re so strange do you know if people don’t know
there’s like you can go to vending machines in japan you can
buy use pannings
like that’s real
yeah you go places they sell used panties
why couldn’t we up on one other there
because you open one of those here
just all you do
is get a girl to put it on real quick throw it in a bag in this
i think you have to have enough people that are because i think
maybe because
i should have different levels you have different levels one
the girl wears it all day
that’s the primo
she doesn’t change your panties all day
no shower in the morning no shower she goes to the gym
and you get those stinky sweaty funky
knuckle underwears i think you missed an opportunity for the
joe rogan fanny pack
i’m gonna make a line
and i was already thinking about your fashion show
i’m making fanny packs
and then how you use panty pack well
call him like rogan
i mean you could probably get it so
instead of its fanny pack it’s oh you want to
row i mean there’s some huge yeah
balls and people think i’m kidding about the fanny pack thing
you see me at the airport
i always have one of those things you should
shape a fanny pack like a
like a redimensional skull you can get a little crazy with it
it does it it’s overhead
compartment for your junk you know
you’re setting the sky’s a limit on danny petty there’s so
i mean they’re really
it’s a huge omen
and you’re a cryptical so useful impacts the shit gay
and then i could see fighters entering
will that be a little bit of a thing
but you’ll sponsor box
and after seeing the jew clam what’s going to shock us
well this video we’re going to show you is now
shocking is the juke clan this is actually
i gotta be goodbye everybody
this is actually funny so always gonna be
here we’ll turn off the webcam now and check it out
alright thank you very much ladies and gentlemen for another fun
fun used street podcast i hope you enjoyed it
john heffron
needs more twitter followers people it’s at john heffron
heffron with two f’s
and we love you bitches thanks for tuning in
see the strong
look at the baby son i tell her tell these
alright guys thanks for watching