Joe sits down with Brian Redban.

start broadcast
shazam bitches
I think it’s on
we live
yeah it’s a lot
I fuckers
we’re getting a little better three oh seven now
that’s a little bit better right
there we go
zoom zoom zoom what’s happening fuckers
everybody can hear us
it’s all good
let’s leave it side like that we are live
we leave it with a gangsta lean
hello everybody
welcome to the
what is it the fucking
night weekly one or something
we have continued
motherfucking saga continues lazy Germany
this is how you drank coffee okay
like a fucking man
see that shit right there
that’s what’s called a French press
you can get it at tarbucks Starbucks Starbucks
feel like 20 bucks or something
or you know a target for a 20 bucks
that’s what I was in the middle
saying target and Starbucks
at the same time
you just grind up your coffee
you poured in this motherfucker
you pour the hot water
you push down the plunger but bam
you got coffee
yeah it’s gritty
and it’s got like little pieces of stuff in it
but so what you fucking pussy
man up man up and drink your hair spill all over for
man up and drink your coffee
so how was Australia Australia is the shit
if you’ve never been to Australia
it’s fucking spectacular
it’s beautiful
the people are cool as fuck
it’s really bizarre man
it’s way the fuck on the other side of the world like
literally on the other side of the world to where it’s
19h time difference
between Los angeles and Australia
what’s the weed laws like out there is there any
the weed is not very legal there
yeah but it’s everywhere
everybody’s got weed
yeah yeah so
because I got a text from mayhem right before we left
because mayhem got there before us
and he said yo
this is the exact test the exact text
yo costumes here is a motherfucker
don’t bring any weed to kangaroo island
which if you know
mayhem that’s a mayhem quote right there
so ladies and gentlemen
a fucking trainer yesterday got killed by an orcoth
did you hear about that shit no
you didn’t hear about that
killer whale killed a trainer at seaworld
wow and what’s amazing to me is
how they haven’t been killing people up to this point
could you imagine if whales
killer whales are supposed to be super intelligent
I mean they’re like as intelligent as humans
they’re cousins of dolphins
and then we put them in a fucking fish tank
and make them do tricks from mackerels
you know
could you imagine what kind of hell that life is
then this whale had killed
a homeless man
that snuck into the fucking tank in 1991
and he had also
or it might be a she I’m not sure he or she had
also I think it’s a he
it also almost drowned a trainer
do you remember that video where
the killer whale was playing with the person
duncan and munder
in that same whale wow same whale
yeah so I mean
it’s not like the warning fucking signs weren’t there
it’s like you know you hear mike tyson punched somebody
you couldn’t be shocked you know let’s walk in the map
like how do you die
it’s a woman that died
he grabbed her by the waist
and just fucking ripped her up
in the middle of a live show
the beginning of a life show
where’s the YouTube videos is it out
that’s a good question
I bet they confiscated everybody’s cameras
they were leaving
yeah but you know
the sd cards are so small
you think you would learn
to shove it up your ass or something
this guy if he was there for sure
there would be a video of it one fucking 1000%
as soon as I heard
we need everybody’s camera’s sd card up ass
save to
you would have had it uploaded to YouTube already
yeah that would have been bluetooth to you stream
yeah there’s no fucking way I mean
could you imagine what that must have looked like yeah
you’re there and all of a sudden
the killer he grabbed her about the waist
and just started smashing her back and forth
just rag dollinger
he just had enough he just said
that’s it that’s it motherfuckers
you know
it’s really incredible that we think it’s cool to
do that and then we go and watch them
you know it’s really like zoos bum me the fuck out
we went to a zoo in
Australia while we’re there
and there was a cool part of it was the crocodile cage
I don’t think that crocodile gives a fuck where it is
I think crocodiles are so dumb
I mean their minds seem so dead
they just lay there
with their eyes closed underwater
for like hours at a time
but they don’t have to breathe
they don’t have to breathe for like an hour
so they just lay underwater
and just do nothing and just sit there
they don’t run around and play
like when you pass like the monkey cage at a zoo
that shit’s depressing
because they don’t want to be there
when I was in Denver
there’s a zoo in Denver and
the monkey got in its fucking cage and was howling
this horrible howl and it wasn’t a big cage
this monkey was screaming out like a tortured soul
it was like a man in prison
you know let me out of here
the monkey was just
just screaming at the top of his lungs and I was like
you know this is not good
like this is not cool to do to them
for what so people can stare at them
I mean that shit
might have flown in the 19 thirties
you know back when there was no zoos are back
when there’s no
videos but we have videos now
man you don’t have to put them in a zoo
you know but
but that’s the only
time we’d ever be able to see most of those animals
that’s the only thing that makes me go
well I see that reason
for a zoo because I’m not going to africa
and hunting down a white tiger
you know right but is it worth it for them
to struggle just so you could stare at them
yeah but you don’t know
it could also be like dude wait
I don’t have to hunt my food
there’s just a stake here every morning when I wake up
I could sleep
no you know no for like tigers
that shit is orgasmic to chase down an animal
chase it move it
you ever see a cat
like if you roll a ball string in front of them
they can’t help themselves
man you should know now you have cats right
cats can’t help it
they live for chasing shit
it’s just like like you know
a guy with a hard deck lives to fuck
you know it’s really the same thing man there
it’s nature rewards
them for being a good predator and I think
you know the same way
food tastes good for us and sex feels good for us
they love to kill them
nature rewards them with some crazy rush of energy
and endorphins when they kill something
you know so you give them a coal play to meet
just push an aluminum tray under the fucking cage
that’s not the same and that’s not fun
you know but that doesn’t that
the killing thing
bothers me
but what really bothers me is the fucking amount of
room that they have to move around
the kangaroo case l
a zoo definite
the kangaroo cage was fucked up
have you ever into the
san diego zoo though that’s a whole I mean yeah
that’s what I was there
I was like man I was like to be an animal in this cage
oh no we went down
this serious fucking delay
between what we’re saying and what we’re saying
is that it we got it okay
yeah san diego is the shit the way they have it is nice
they have a big giant ass place
that makes sense but
that’s fucking expensive
yeah you know
but that’s how it should be
plays like la zoo just shouldn’t exist
because that’s just wrong
you go to the la zoo that’s just depressing as fuck
but there is zoos like the Columbus is where I’m from
is one of the biggest zoos
jack hannah’s from it
and it’s nice
they may have just
acres and acres and acres of land and they
you know I don’t know
if they maybe
throw out some goats once in a while for the tigers
or something they just don’t talk about it
no they don’t
do that they don’t ever do that they do that in Iraq
this video and Iraq of
they let a donkey loose and
this is how they do it every day
and the donkeys just walking around eating
and they open up the gate and these tigers come
running out of the gate and just
bitch slapped that
donkey to the ground and fucking jack him
it’s really kind of wild to see
and it’s really shocking these gis filmed it
when they were in Iraq at the zoo
it’s shocking to see but
that’s really the way they’re supposed to eat
like though that’s how you should do it
if you’re gonna
feed animals you’re gonna have wild animals
you should have them eat what they normal eat man
I mean like what’s with this
feeding fucking snakes
frozen mice give them a fucking mouse
you know I mean that’s what they’re supposed to do
we’re trying to like enforce our own ideas of
morality and predation on fucking monsters
you know I mean like look a snake is a monster dude
you know
tigers that’s a monster those are all monsters
yeah they’re natural monsters
there’s a whole natural cycle of things and
to take them out of that
there’s a there was a kangaroo cage
that was the most depressing thing
because those kangaroos would just sit in there
they didn’t do shit
they just laid them human beings though
it could be considered monster
so like if you put somebody in prison that’s a
mass murder we’re doing the same thing you know
we should let that mass murder go out on his way
and just murder a shitload of people
you know what kind of dumbass logic is that
well I mean if you’re saying
like a tiger’s a tiger or whatever
like a snake should kill its own prey and we should
you know do it
what well what no
we’re feeding them
killed prey we kill it first
that’s what’s the most ridiculous thing
is that we kill what they
eat first so that it’s not as brutal for us
somehow or another someone else kills it
you buy it killed then you feed it to them
that’s ridiculous
that’s not a mass murderer dude
mass murderers are just fucking the head
they’re not they’re not killing for food
it’s a part of a natural cycle they’re just nuts
yeah you know
when you get a nutty person
the problem is human consciousness is so more complex
supposedly than animal consciousness
because we have the ability to alter our environment
so you can’t have
someone whose consciousness is haywire
because that’s
when you have like serial killers and mass murders
what you have is someone whose consciousness is just
gone off the tracks and into the woods and you have
just chaos
if a society is aware of itself
it has to realize
that there’s certain issues you’re going to come up
when you have crazy people
running around killing your family
and your friends
so you got to kill them
what you’re supposed to do with
someone like a mass murderer
if you’re absolutely convinced
that’s the problem
really the problem is the court system
the court system so fucking corrupt and
so many times
da’s and prosecutors are just trying to get
they’re just kind of trying to get a guilty verdict and
they don’t give a fuck
if someone is guilty or not
there’s many many many instances where cops are framed
that were innocent people have gone to jail for years
it turns out through dna evidence they were framed
I mean that’s happened many many minute
that’s the real fucking problem
but if we could be absolutely sure
that we knew that somebody was a mass murder
or a rapist or
anyone with no remorse who hurt other people
and could hurt someone that you care you gotta kill him
why keep moron there’s too many fucking people
you know I mean look it’s not like
they’re not gonna die eventually
anyway it’s not like if you don’t kill them
you know they’re gonna
fucking cure cancer and live forever
no they’re not gonna do anything
they’re not
a mass murderer is not gonna contribute to society
you know they’re just not
there’s nothing is gonna
nothing good is gonna come out of that
they should just line them up in like oh you need a new
liver bam you’re on death row there should be no like
you know
time period and they’re going to electrocute you
they should just shoot you
take all the parts that they need
they could use your corneas or that your livers
yeah that’s an interesting
topic because there was a thread on the board
a message board
on my website
where people are talking about organs having a memory
all these people who have
gotten transplants from people all of a sudden
they knew things
that couldn’t have possibly remains of that
people they don’t even know
but you know and stuff like that
yeah I mean
I’ve heard of
many things like that where people
all sudden had cravings for certain types of foods
and they had no idea
that the pert
I mean this is not just one instance
and see the thing is about memory
like we don’t know where memory is stored exactly
we don’t I mean they know an incredible amount
more than the average person
about the way the human body works
much more than people knew 100 years ago
much more than a
you know even a decade ago
but they don’t know everything
there’s a lot of questions man
first of all with human body
your cells regenerate every seven to 10 years
so literally every cell in your body
changes and becomes a new one
like you you’re a new version of you
every seven or 10 years that
they’re yes they’re not the same anymore
so if that’s the case where the fuck are your memories
I have memories that are way more than 7 years old
you know so where are the memories stored
if you have a completely new cell
mean are the memories like transferred
back and forth
between the cells when the new one is born
is it born with the same memories
I mean where’s the memory where’s it stored
we don’t fucking know
the other
ideas that the memories are stored in the neurons
if that’s the case because the neurons are the only
thing that stay
the neurons are not
you get
the neurons you get or the neurons you get forever
you don’t get new ones
they don’t regenerate every seven years
but the heart is filled with neurons
you know it’s like
one of the biggest clusters of neurons in the body
it’s like right up there with the brain
and I think
you know people who have had hard transplants
I don’t think it’s that preposterous
that they would have memories
I don’t think that’s is that preposterous at all
I think it is
and I think that
these people that say that they’re having dream stuff
they probably would have had that same exact dream
with or without it
why would you say that brian
they’re talking about
things that couldn’t possibly have known about
people have
this little girl gave up the exact identity
and location of the woman who of the man who murdered
the girl who gave her the heart
do you know that story
no but it started the same spring fetch
it sounds far fetched
but it doesn’t mean it sounds far fetched
there’s some things that I read that
when it like that that it’s kind of like to me
is seeing ufos
it’s either somebody that wants attention
that’s possible
dome and they’re going
no I had my arm transplant and now I can
I think having all these dreams of people I don’t know
and it’s that’s okay
that’s possible
I know I know it’s also possible
oh totally it’s real it’s the problem with skepticism
what skepticism
when it comes to something that we don’t understand
that’s the problems that you know
you run the possibility of a
excluding something because it seems irrational
but the reality is
we don’t have enough information
to decide what’s rational and what’s irrational
just the idea
that you have memories at all is fucking nuts
you know the idea that you can
how about the idea that you can change
people’s memories
you know they say that especially right after
something shocking
if you start talking to someone
and introducing new ideas to them
they’ll have they’ll re remember the whole situation
they’ll change the whole way they remember things
have you ever thought of something was in some way
and then you go back and you watch the video you’re
like god damn it wasn’t like that at all
like I had a fucking
I don’t trust my memory that much
I trust some things
there’s some things that I know
that are recorded in there forever for real
and no doubt about it
there’s some things
because I’ve made sure that I’ve kept that memory
like I’ve had some
pretty intense experiences where I made sure
like I am going to make
sure that I record this one right
but other ones are a fucking blur
man you know there’s a lot of them that are blurry
you know you look back on your
your high school years like jesus christ
it’s like a slide shows and
I barely remember any of it do you remember
it’s getting worse and worse
I’m actually pretty good with a lot of weird memories
then I the other day I was trying to think of somebody
and that I actually
hung out with for three years when I was a kid
and don’t remember his face at all
came and put like my sister’s like
you don’t remember him
we hung out all the time
like I remember him but I don’t
know have any idea what he looks like
yeah I’ve had that happening before for sure
that’s fucking weird it is weird
it’s so weird
I wonder where where all that shit goes up in smoke
why is it that someone can pull it back though
like someone will
say something like you go yes
and then all said boom
the memory like blossoms in your mind
like what is that it’s like
you’re given cpr to the memories
just like they’re almost dead
yeah it’s like a branch of the tree was hit
a nerve of that memory was hit and it woke up that
section of memory or whatever
yeah something along those lines what is that
what the fuck is that
it’s my thought getting tired of something
oh dude you got a spider on your face look oh shit
that’s a daddy wrong way
how the fuck did that get on me
what your house is a beer factor
oh I’m not on
I’m not on obi and anthony this week
it’s not this week they made a mistake
I’m there March 26 not February 26
it’s the Friday Friday before the ufc next month
I’m in Dallas this weekend
I’m not in New York this weekend
I’m gonna be at the addison improv
this weekend
Friday Saturday and Sunday with my man joey diez
and brian will be there as well
if we get brian drunk
we might have to talk to him in the go on stage
bryan is actually a funny comedian
he’s done stand up a couple of times he did in
Atlanta he did it
you know I was going to
try to go up on stage before this weekend just in case
if I get too drunk
and put me on stage
but I really it really hurts me to go back and
spend 3h of my life
for like 5min in front of two people
the open mic nights
it is a grind
you know people ask me questions all the time
like hey I’m thinking about doing comedy
what’s the best advice mike man
you got to be willing to put your whole life aside
you got to be willing to
you got to be wanting to
especially if you have a job during the day
you have a job during the day man you’re nighttime
you now that’s your social life
it’s gonna be stand up comedy
you’re gonna be going
to clubs and you’re gonna be performing
and you have to do it all the time
if you don’t do it all the time
you’re gonna forget all your material
that whatever comfort you gain on stage
will be eroded very quickly
you know it’s a goddamn long ask ride man
yeah I think if I was younger I would totally be
into it but it’s really hard to be an adult
and waste that much time
it is it is hard you know I did it
I started out doing stand up when I was 21
that’s why I did it right after my 21st birthday
and I was just had shit going on back there man
you know I mean I was doing things I had
you know I had
a life sort of
but it wasn’t like I had a family right
mortgage or you know
no obligations
yeah I’m no internet but
I have no obligations you know so it wasn’t
it’s hard
when you have a girlfriend and you have a life
and you have a wife and you have children and you have
mortgage fuck man
you know when I talk to dudes that are like 40
and they’re thinking about doing comedy
I’m like you know
okay dude
that’s like saying
I’m thinking about getting into brain surgery
man think about brain surgery
not saying that comedy is as hard as brain surgery
because first of all it’s not as
it’s not as difficult to remember
all the things you need to remember
with brain surgeries
but it’s
just as difficult in a way because
there’s no real path I mean you can suck as a comedian
you can’t suck as a brain surgeon
you’re fucking going to jail
so it’s obviously a lot
more discipline involved in
brain surgery because you have to do it correctly
but both are equally difficult to actually
fucking do and put anything in this life is difficult
if you’re gonna really do it
you mean just think about it if you started
tomorrow and you wanted to be a computer programmer
you don’t know
shit about computers
you just you’re starting from scratch
and you want to be a computer programmer
imagine the fucking work that’s involved
in that a lot of reading though
you know it’s a lot of reading nowadays
I mean I could pretty much teach myself
some programming by just looking at video
you know how to type you know right about computers
you know a lot of shade about computers
you know a lot of shade about code
you know to a person that has no experience
whatsoever and decides I want to take on a new career
I want to be a computer programmer
I want a code for video games
good fucking luck man
how about I want to create video game engines
I just I don’t know where I want to be
the next john carmack
you’re fucked man yeah you’re fucked
that shit will take forever
anything that’s worth doing
takes fucking forever to get good at
you know and comedy is no different
comedy music is no different
you know I often like look at people playing piano
or playing guitar or something like that
like how cool would that be to be able to just fucking
jam on the dish
but god damn that’s a lot of fucking time
I’ve tried to learn that though
it’s a coordination thing for me though for like that
that’s something I think you’re just born with
being able to understand
be able to coordinate each finger a certain way
well it’s also cultivation
it’s also if you do things like with your fingers
like that early on in life
it becomes much easier as we get older
they say that the army now is using
they’re using xbox controllers
for their drones
because these fucking kids are so good
yeah and they’re encouraging people to play video games
I mean it’s just a matter of time before they start
recording like the baddest motherfuckers
in video games like yeah they probably really do
yeah I mean like if you could play
like war games with like a keyboard and a mouse
like there’s these dudes that play quake
like professionally
those motherfuckers can
move that mouse cursor and put it on an object
like instantaneously
you know they know exactly where that cursor is going
they play so much
that when they move that mouse
the mouse and a keyboard is
way more accurate than that
joystick thing
the joystick thing is kind of difficult to manipulate
the like the toggles and like
exactly where the cross here goes
but if you have a mouse you can put a mouse
if you understand like how quick
you know that all depends on
you know everybody likes it different
some people like high sensitivity
some people like low sensitivity
but the bottom line is
once you get used to whatever it is
you move the mouse that
the cursor goes in a certain directions
they can put it like exactly where they want to
instantly so it’s not like
you’re in a helicopter
and you see the insurgents you got
to move the crosshairs and get them in line
we have them in line we have them in line
no it’s bang
I mean they could do it so fucking quick
I mean
that would be some crazy shit if you could have drones
and that like that guy
fatality you know
fatality is yeah yeah
he’s like the baddest motherfucking quake player ever
this dude is just
ridiculously accurate with his mouth
and a cool guy to it
let him very nice guy
but if you got that guy
playing for your army
and you have drones with missiles in it
from that fucking guy
holy shit you know yeah that’s the future man
welcome to the new world
it’s pretty crazy
how video games have exploded from something
that used to be like
like little ping pongs
now people have
like amazing video games on their phones
yeah it’s credible man
just look at what you can do with your iphone playing
you know all these different racing games and shit
we working on the new ufc
fight game right
fuck it’s amazing man when you watch
some of the graphics and shit like they
dive for knee bars
they get triangles
they throw head kicks and punches flying knees and shit
you see all this crazy shit
all these different techniques they can do
just like in real fighting and it’s like
it’s so close
to being like a video that you like an actual ufc fight
that you can manipulate you know
the limit is in the controller I think
what eventually’s gonna happen
is you’re gonna have a goddamn suit on
you’re gonna have a fucking suit on
or you’re just gonna have this little wire plugged in
on your forehead and you’re just gonna think
that could happen
but microsoft is very
close to developing the whole system
where you interact
with the gint what’s it called nutell
it comes out like
the November or it might have got push spell
in a t a
and it’s pretty much just like a
camera or something that sits on top of your tv
and then it reads your motion
it reads your motion
that’s incredible because that’s gonna be fucking cool
imagine having like a ufc game
where you could learn how to fight without actually
fighting yeah
but yeah my problem with that whole thing is
I think maybe if I was a kid I would have loved it
but when I’m playing a video game
like I don’t want to have to be doing this
shit you know
well you say that
you say that I’m doing it with wii right now
they find a wii
yeah but we is
racked this little thing
and you’re playing ping pong
and it’s sort of moves the way you want it to
I did a wii car
game once and I was like this is not specific at all
it’s not rewarding yeah
but it’s something about having to like get up
like I wanted you’re a lazy fuck no that’s what
yeah if I was a kid it might have been better
but like nowadays I want to play video game
I just want to sit there
right and smoke weed
but that’s depending on the graphics
what if the graphics were like three d
fucking super dope virtual reality type shit
and you had a virtual gun
and you’re running down a hallway shooting
at all because of shit
like you have a gun in your hand and it reads this gun
come on man that would be this shit
and the actual running that you take place like maybe
that would be the shit
if you had a fucking warehouse
like a virtual reality warehouse
like you enter into the door
you put on this helmet
and it’s just a flat ex laser tag
yeah but
complete three d virtual reality
you know yeah
and if you get close to the walls like a little
light goes on
you are getting close to the wall
that would be turned right you know
yeah yeah come on man
I just got into a point where I
did this Nintendo wii shit just drives me crazy
the wii is boring man
the wii is like playing pool
but there’s no pool cue yeah you’re just going like
and there’s no feedback
you need feedback man like I want to click a button
and see a gun go off you know
I want to click the mouse button and see the rocket
you know take off right
that this whole moving our arm through the air
that’s fucking weak
yeah that’s stupid
I forget what it was
they just said the other day that in the future
that they’re going to use like google maps
and like street view
google maps and you’re gonna be playing video
games of like your street
you’re going around in your house
you know what I mean
you should be able to find
out if someone is playing like fucking
doom on your street and brown up your house right
you can be like yeah
like hey
just want you to know they should send you an email
it should be like the sims whereas your house is
the house in the video game
and so if you try to break in your house
they’re trying to break in your house
everyone should have their own house in the video game
yeah that would be kind of cool
that would be cool right then
you would know where everybody lives
everyone lives
and they killed them
children in the video game
don’t really don’t have access to
well for like 24h or something you can run away
I’m kind of shocked at virtual reality
kind of hit like a
the technology
never really developed the way I thought it was going
to like you know you
heard about that shit like way back in the eighties
and I thought wow
like there was movies based on that
and I was like I thought like wow I remember like um
well sort of dagger
I don’t remember what movie remember total recall
they fucking make you could dream right
yeah that shit’s coming
it’s a total recall
what was the one with the chicken the red hair and
they’ve already been able to take images
and implant them in people’s minds
and they’ve been able to read images
from people’s minds
like read what you’re thinking about
like you can look at something
and the computer
like there’s some sort of
sensors that they hook up to your brain
and then it sends the image to a computer and it’s
it can tell what you’re fucking looking at
like that’s nuts man
because eventually I mean this is in very
rudimentary stages as a technology where they can only
pick out shapes and shit
but eventually they’re gonna be able to fucking see
what you’re seeing
yeah that’s it
is that what was yeah
check out the red hair in 5th alma
is that the bruce walls mos
yeah and they had like memories
like I moved to the plug like memories in your head
that was
how badass was chris tucker in that moon
remember he was that crazy alien
remember lawnmower man
that was a good louie too
there’s another nutty movie but a retard
that went crazy right right
put up computer in his brain right something
right yeah another steven king book
stephen king oh no it was strange days what is it
strange days was another
virtual reality something
crazy asked I think it was strange days
that was an awesome maybe strange days
this going here
just said that
I can’t wait for strange days to become true
that’s what it was it was strange was it
yeah that was the one
angela bassett right
yeah sure forever be tina turner
sorry you gotta love doing the other movies
I don’t think we thought
you’re tina turner
um what was it gonna say
oh this fucking missup beverly hills
did you hear about this
yeah another
one of these beauty pageant chicks
came out saying that
she doesn’t believe the gay should be married and she
you know she quoted leviticus and the old testament
saying that the
you know the bible says that
it’s some stupid quote like
any man who lays down with a man as if
you know the same way lays down with a woman
it’s an abomination should be put to death
so she came on and said that gay should be put to death
luke she’s supporting the old testament
which by the way I mean
whatever you fucking want to believe about religion
that’s all well good you know
who knows if god is real who knows I mean
it could be that you
know the bible was completely ridiculous because god
wants things confusing
who knows but it gets a certain point
when you read certain things you gotta go
all right every
people are full of shit
and there was no internet back then
it’s not like you know there was a copy of
the bible on Wikipedia and people kept altering it
but everybody was like nope
that’s not what it says
and they went back and changed it
you know they didn’t the old testament
they didn’t even write that fucking thing down
for like 1000 years
it was just stories
you know and the idea that those stories
you can’t tell I can’t tell a story to him
and he tells it to his girlfriend
his girlfriend writes it in her blog
and it’s the same story
it’ll be fucked up for sure
I can’t tell you how many times like someone has
gone to one of my gigs
I’ve said something
and then a guy
like will quote on Twitter
like all dude
that was so funny last night
when you said this about that
I’m like damn
I didn’t say that
you’re saying something fucked up
what I said was a lot nicer you know but when
when you realize like that memories are so fucking
there’s no way
there’s no way you could be that accurate
over 1000 years where people
talking about it
and then on top of it
the original the old testament bible
was written in ancient hebrew and to this day
they only know 3 out of 4 words in ancient hebrew
25% of the words
they don’t have a clues to what they mean
not only that
letters and numbers were the same thing
back then there were no numbers
so the letter a was also the No.1
so there was like numerical
value in words like the word love
and the word god
they have the same numerical value in ancient hebrew
but as soon as they
translated that to latin and to Greek
that shit was all gone that shit was all lost
for this dumb bitch
to sit and think that god wants people to
put the death of their gay like
miss beverly hills miss beverly
this is a new one
new miss California
and California’s supposed to be so liberal
it ain’t miss Texas
do you know who carrie anne pantchi is
or whatever name is
she’s from celebrity rehab beniche peniche
she was the one that
had the threesome with the guy from grey’s anatomy
anyways on this show celebrity rehab
you just want to strangle her
and I think it’s almost with these like pageant people
because I know a couple of these
girls that do the pageants
and stuff like that
they’re fucked up in their head
you know they’ve been doing it all their life
these little kids are grown up
do you remember last time
not last time we went to Dallas with the time before
when there was that little girl
pageant right going on at the hotel we were yes
you remember that shit
yeah that was scary
that was the weirdest fucking thing ever
we’re hanging out the hotel and there’s all these
little girls I mean little like six yeah
6 years old with high heels
and makeup on with their hair done and jewelry
and dresses
and you’re like what the fuck is going on here
that shit is an abomination
alright that is a fucking
that is a travesty
I feel like something
wrong in the elevator because I was in
the elevator with two of them
I looked at her and I’m like
oh my gosh you don’t really look at
it it’s like if they were naked
finger in themselves in front of you
like oh
yeah something’s not right there
sometimes my daughter will play with her pussy
just I don’t know and I won’t say this true
I mean you would too if you had one
but something
the other day
she was lying there and she had her little
feet up in the air
she’s rocking back and forth she just two hands
just grabs it
you know and I
I don’t know what to say
like what do you say to that you go
don’t do that you can’t tell her not to do that
it’s you know
you don’t want to suppress her and get her crazy
yeah we also don’t want
her to be like like in kindergarten going hey anybody
they all do it anyway dude
I got news for you they all do it
don’t you remember
doing weird shit with kids when you were little
did I play doctor
me and my friend play doctor with all the girls and
and I remember the only time I remember the most
we had three girls lined up and we were like okay
we were gonna be putting pencils in your vaginas
take off
it so it took off other pants and
we just went back to each one
then we pull it out and smell it and goes
fuck but we were all like five
you could give those girls lead poise now
I know they might be retarded now because of you
they’re off on my Facebook too so
hopefully they’re not watching one
you should ask them all questions
does anybody remember anything
about pencils
you remember putting a pencil in your car
so this beauty pageant thing that we saw at the hotel
it was dark
I mean it was really dark because there was all these
weirdo fucking religious people
with their kids dressed like horse it made
no fucking sense
I mean no sense because they were
it was on we were there on a Sunday
and they were talking about church
so it was all this church talk
and you got your girl dressed as a fucking prostitute
there’s a six year old dressed as a prostitute
and you’re talking about church
they had high heels shoes on
I mean like this high
which the only reason why shoes have heels like that
and so that women’s legs look longer
so that guys think about them
when they’re pushing these long legs back
and fucking the shit out of you
that’s what that’s for
those that long leg thing
why do you think what do you think that’s there for
you’re sacrificing how you can walk
how about that
just so that men want to fuck you more
than we already do
which is
wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
you have sex with
girl that has her shoes on like high heels
have you ever got that
what is up with that though that’s just porno stuff
that’s ridiculous
I mean I’m sure it somewhere in my life
you know somewhere I was not you know
taking everything off
that’s it’s possible but
that someone would like that
but the whole I don’t like them in the first place
I think they’re ugly and
it seems to me like you’re doing something stupid right
you know I don’t want to be like
you’re getting tricked
you don’t need to do it for me you know
like my wife always wants to wear
these high heels when she leaves the house
like okay
if you want to do that that’s all good but to me it
seems like you can’t walk right
I rather you wear tennis shoes but women love them
man they love shoes
they love how they look they love
it’s like how dudes love cars
you know how you know like you see like a 69
mustang or something like that
and you go whoa
and you like pull up to a dude
look at that motherfucker you know
I’m saying like there’s something
that men have
like women can go wow that’s a pretty car
but it’s not the same as how a dude looks at a car
well for girls
the shoe thing is just
they really fucking love shoes man
they’re like makeup and shoes
it looks like they’re
opposite sides of the body
because they’re so ashamed of the middle
thank you bleed that’s gross don’t look at it
look it up here
my eyes are huge look at my lashes
they’re unnaturally long
yeah right
it’s probably something like I legs just so long
do amazing look how long my legs are
and where do they go to look up there
look at my naughty
well the you know
that’s one thing
if you’re a woman you know
if you’re a grown woman that’s what you like
and you know what the fuck ever who gives a shit
you want to go pierce your balls
go do it who gives a shit
but for little kids
that’s not that’s not cool man to have a six year
old dress like a hub no no
it’s disturbing it is disturbing
it felt very wrong
you know and
you know like their whole job in a ramsay case
man that that shit disturbed
I still don’t know that in that case
yet they don’t know
we’re gonna find out
the dad’s live
I believe the mom’s dead they all died
maybe the dad’s dead too it’s possible anyway
no Twitter verse
yeah Twitter verse has not cool and I agree
you know eye heels are just as much
an establishment as a males tie is both are silly
that’s true that’s true bronchizer
god damn this Twitter shit goes too fast bron hyzer
yeah you know you’re absolutely right
I think ties are completely ridiculous
I didn’t even
I haven’t worn a tie in a long
I did a documentary recently on dmt
I had to wear a tie
because I played like a rod sterling type narrator
it’s a really interesting documentary on dmt
it’ll be out sometime to spring
but I had to wear a tie
I had no idea how to tie this fucking thing
I had no idea the last time I wore a tie was
my my first album grab that thing off the wall okay
my first album in 1999
you know just as a goof
one of the things
I always said that I love about being a comedian is
that you don’t have to wear a fucking tie
and so
just my first CD
for whatever reason I just thought it would be funny
if I wore a tie
I don’t know it doesn’t make any sense
just look strange
I had to wear a tie for like 10 years
every day suck
yeah if you want to like work in businessman it’s like
there’s an agreement like everyone has to know
that you are willing to wear something
completely ridiculous because you’re following by
the very obvious rules of behavior
it’s going to be really easy to predict
what you’re doing
that’s what people like like I’m a gentleman
you know like as a gentleman
well I feel this I’m a gentleman who’ve got its tian
hello gentlemen gentlemen gentlemen
you know it’s like there’s this like
this agreement that you’re not going to get too crazy
you’re not going to
it’s like my doctor feel impression
you know bottom moshi was shining
they are very slippery
I’m not chasing after anybody you know
it’s like there’s something to that
there’s something to this
silly outfit that you wear that’s uncomfortable
like if people started doing business
and they had like
rash guards on
like lycro rash guards on like they’re ready to go
jujitsu and shit
you know like
why would that be bad
but it is bad
you know you can’t have like board shorts and
you know saying you know running shoes on
and you look like you like
you ready to fucking pounce on people that
nobody wants that in business you can’t have
and when you go to business
you have to be dressed uncomfortable
your button has to be all the way up here
you know it’s fucking ridiculous you know I hate it
I remember I used to work at this
architect firm for my stepfather
and this was when I was
big into acid and stuff like that
so every time I would come to work I was either
hung over
still tripping on acid and you know
or something like that
it was such a boring job that it was acceptable
because all I had to do
is make copies of architect plans
do you think you you fucked up your brain on acid
do you think you have fucked up your brain on um
no no I think I think if
when I was doing it I was I was
there was there any point
like you know
you ever heard howard stern talk about his acid trip
no howard stern
talked about it on the radio
and I guess he did like a giant dose of acid like way
too much and
he was like all fucked up for like a long time
like he was here in voices
and it was just like a like a real psychotic episode
you know that’s a really
that’s a thing about psychedelics
like you got to make sure you don’t
fuck around and do too much like
dennis mckenna had
an experience like that too
dennis mckenna
with whose terrence mckenna’s brother they’re both
famous psychonauts for psychedelic pioneers
in the seventies they went to
Brazil and he took
way too much mushrooms
and he lost his mind
for like two weeks
like he couldn’t communicate with people
you know and the last time I did dmt
I was fucking whacked out for like two solid weeks
not totally
you wouldn’t guess if you were talking to me
I was totally normal
I did shows the shows went great
I went to work I did fear fact that that went great
you know
nothing nothing got fucked up in my butt my head
was like I fell very
you know you feel
like your consciousness is like in a foundation
your consciousness is like you know like
it’s like boom it’s solid this is me
good morning you wake up in the morning
hi honey you kiss your girlfriend brush your teeth
this is fucking solid
when I did the dmt
my consciousness was like
a little tiny raft in a fucked up ocean
it’s like you know
like nothing seemed like I kept having these ideas
that cars were going to come
launching themselves over
the boundaries and hit my car while I was driving
and I’m like why am I thinking this
I’m like what is this about
and then I realized that what it was was at
this idea of worrying about possible disasters
was my ego’s way of regaining ground
and letting me know that it has to have
a certain amount of
real estate in reality and that
if you want to do
crazy crazy psychedelics and go into other dimensions
communicate with entities and re evaluate
your whole position in the world and
and humankind’s position with each other
that’s all well and good
but there’s some real shit in the world
that the ego has to be there for
and the ego was like sending me a message
oh dude what if a fucking car
launched itself out
you better be fucking paying attention
like there was a certain amount of
where it was such a mind blowing experience
that there was like a wrestling match going on
in my head between my ego
and between these new information
and accepting
all this new information from the psychedelic trip
incorporating it into the way I look at everyday life
you know and like
you know you think about someone who’s like a real
like a shaman
you know they’re living in a jungle and they’re all
at peace in the world
they’re not calling people douchebags in the internet
you know there’s a certain amount of enlightenment
that if you achieve it
it’s going to make it very hard for you to function
in the regular world
and I think that’s one of the most important things
about psychedelic trips like there’s a lot of cripples
in the psychedelic world and in
the weed world too
there’s a lot of people that
they’re so into these experiences
that they can’t
incorporate it into their everyday life
and they’re almost
crippled in their everyday life because of it
and no psychedelic experience is worth anything
you can take what you’ve learned from it and enhance
regular life enhance
your communication with people
your relationships with people
you know enhance the way you look at the world
enhance your career path
you know the kind of friends you hang around
unless it can enhance you
the reality is
we live in this world
for 8h a day or 12h a day or how long you’re awake
this world this shit this concrete world is real
and you have to manage your way through this
psychedelic drugs make it very difficult to do that
if you want to have a regular job I think psychedelics
the main thing with psychedelics is it opens up a door
and like in the past like I’ve been offered dmt
but I won’t do it because
like when I first did
mushrooms that opened up to a door
of things that never
thought of or saw before
and it’s never going to go away
it didn’t damage my head
but now that I know that exists I know it’s there
and so when acid did the same thing
but there’s a point where I have to go okay
is this door
does this door need to be open is this anything
paused with this door being open
and some drugs are like that for me
because like salvia
was the closest to the point where I was like okay
that is a scary door that I opened up
because that just pretty much made everything seem fake
like it was like
this world is fake
everything’s fake and I know that’s not true
but it opened up that door where I’m like okay
that’s almost too much of a door
I shouldn’t have opened up that door
I’m never gonna be able to get back that
that thought of not knowing that was there
I think that’s
pretty much saying the same thing yeah it’s like
if you can’t bring it back
and incorporate it into your everyday life
and like sometimes you open up these doors
you’re like the fuck am I gonna do with this right
and then your everyday life is just whacked out
some people like going back to that
that fake world so much though
and that’s where it gets fucking scared
well you know what I think most of those people
their real world is not so hot right
you know
and that’s one of the reasons why it becomes an escape
you know and I don’t think it should be an escape
I don’t think you should ever escape reality
you’re here this is life
you know life can be a magical fucking intense
fantastic experience if you manage
it correctly
but if you just want to escape all the time
I’ve got to think that you’re probably
fucking up in this life and that’s imbalanced
you know people that always want to go and it’s like
like the same thing with like video games
like remember
I told you about this dude
there was this dude
who used to be a manager at the comedy store
that was addicted to everquest
just completely addicted eight ten twelveh a day
lost everything
lost his job lost his life
he just was so pale you would see him he was so pale
looked like he’d never saw sunlight
like he would order in food
and never leave the fucking house for days
and he came down the comic storm one night and he goes
it’s so weird I’m so good at making
money in my online life and so bad in my real life
he was started to realize that like he’s
a fucking loser in this life because he’s excited
and puts all of his passion and energy
into this other life
but that’s just really because this other life
is a new and exciting thing
you know
a new and artificial thing and he can control it from
his computer without
dealing with emotions and dealing with all the
you know
the fears and anxieties that the real world presents
but the reality is
if we live life in a computer screen
and we were offered the real world
as a video game
the real world would be so much more fantastic
you know
we just don’t think of it as being fantastic because
we’re so goddamn used to it
you know if we lived life in a computer
in a computer monitor
and that’s how you were when you were born
and then one day someone said you know
hey we’ve developed this new game
that allows you to go outside
and you go outside and you can actually get laid
and you can go and have a real drink and you feel it
you do a real shot of jack to end
there’s a holy shit this is real
I can’t believe it
know you go get laid for real and you drive a car
for real you’d be like dude the real world beat stuff
fucking shit you would never want to play video games
the reason why we want to play video games is because
it’s a world that we can control
completely independent from all
the pros and cons of this solid world
completely independent of the emotions and the
insecurities and all the shit that we all experience
but we don’t like
but the reason why we experience
insecurities and anxiety and anger
these are all like little chemical signals to guide you
through towards a proper life
like what I found in life
most importantly more than anything is the one
the way that I’m the most happiest is if
I’m putting out
positive energy
I’m putting out positive energy to people to friends
positive energy on stage
positive energy with my writing my work
with anything I’m doing
it’s all friendly and positive and happy
and if you do that
you know you can you can have a fucking fantastic life
the problem is it’s just difficult to do
it’s hard to keep your shit together
it’s hard not to lose your temper it’s hard
not to you know
be obsessed with something and
get sidetracked and that’s like
gambling addictions and
masturbation addictions and all that shit
that’s all about
it’s like you’re trying to distract yourselves
from all the pain of being a human
you know I mean I think
fucking hunter s thompson had a quote like that like
man making himself a beast
to get away from the pain of being a man
I forgot exactly what the quote was
but there was something along those lines
like we distract the shit of ourselves
because the game of life is fucking hard to do man
just like a video game is hard to do
you know you remember
like black when I used to play quake
like all the time
I played quake like hours and hours a day
and you and I played quake online
we played against each other
and like
you can tell the difference between someone is
playing all the time
because you get really good at it
you know you know where those bakuts you’re gonna go
I was sticking rail guns up your ass and electrode
yeah I think you won 120 games and I won one
yeah maybe not totally not fair
like and believe me
there’s dudes online that would do that to me
just rape me why
because they had put so much time
in this fucking crazy game
they would get good at it
but since you hadn’t put time how frustrating was it
so fuck here so you didn’t want to play it right
you want to shut it off
that’s exactly the same as life
if you get good at life of the game
then it’s fun as fuck
it’s awesome you know
if you’re lean ordered to caprio
life must be the shit you know
I’m saying he’s starring in movies
driving a ferrari getting hanging supermodels what
he’s got a gigantic fucking mansion
I mean he’s a boot we must be so fun for him
but not everybody could be leonardo caprio
so if you’re the fucking garbage man who’s you know
team home and his wife is fucking
the newspaper guy you know
that’s not a fun life
that’s just like
a guy who’s not good at quake getting murdered
in a game it’s not fun man
it’s like playing pool
if you’re good like I play pool I love pool
I get obsessed with it
but I have a friend my friend max eberley
he’s a professional and he’s a top professional
I mean he’s capable
winning when he’s in stroke
capable of winning any tournament in the world
I mean he’s really fucking good
and when I play against him
sometimes it’s so frustrating and I play pretty good
like for a regular person I play good
but for like a pro
not even fucking close
so when I play max it’s just
getting my ass handed to me
it’s just getting fucked
the only time
it’s fun is when we play on a really
really tight table so occasionally he misses
and then I’m like oh I get to shoot
you know so he’s much better at that game
you should give him a handicap or some sort of thing
well we no
we just we don’t play for anything and it’s good for me
good for me because
you get used to playing against a guy like that
it’s not as fun
it’s playing against a guy who’s like your speed
but it’s really good for your game
because it makes sure
that you capitalize on every mistake
sometimes you play a guy who’s not as good as you
and you’re like
I don’t worry about this
because if I miss this
guy’s gonna miss and I’ll have another shot
but with max every time you miss you like fuck
I better you know I better sit down for a while
anyway I believe that
the hunter ass quote is actually
from samuel johnson and English author
thank you
very much sir I thought it was 100 toxic quote
thank you
cj mick el
henny mick el hinney
what about words names like swartzenegger
how the fuck did that ever get through
like what culture
ran out of sounds
people that had a string together
something nutty like that
people that like to write in cursive
is that it like this
is gonna be the best curse of writing I’ve ever seen
right like manuscripts they used to write it on page
they didn’t have lines in the paper
they just had paper
and they would write it exactly
have you ever heard of the von yiks manuscript
von yet manuscript I don’t know if I’m saying it right
is this ancient manuscript that was found
hundreds of years old and they have no fucking idea
what it says they don’t know the language
they don’t know anything about it
they don’t know if it’s just nonsense
if some guy was just practicing scribble
but it’s like really long
and it’s yeah
and there’s consistency and how it’s written but
they can’t decode it
they’ve had top encryption experts
and it’s very divided
like some people believe it’s a hoax
and some people believe
that it’s some fucking loss language
and some people think that it’s
gloss alailia
like when someone talks in tongues
and that they just went
into a fucking trance
oh just some retard with a pen
because it’s got really good writing it’s got
diagrams in it and really good really good
illustrations rather and diagrams in it
it’s like
yeah it’s really complicated you know and they’ve found
that temple and turkey
that is 7000 years older than the Pyramids
a very complex stone temple
carved out of stone and shit
and now they have to like rewrite like human history
because like 7000 years before Egypt is 19,000 bc
and 10,000 bc
they already
like had temples and were worshiping shit and like
that throws a monkey ranch clank
into the whole gears of
the idea of cultural evolution
you know and this has been this guy
john anthony west
john anthony west looked out up on google
because this guy is fascinating
he’s got an awesome
dvd series called magical Egypt
and this guy is obsessed with Egypt
he spent his entire life
studying Egypt
and he believes that the Egyptian culture goes back way
way way before the established timelines
like the established timelines for Egyptian cultures
like 20,500 bc
that’s when they think like the Pyramids were built
and then the culture goes back a little bit before that
but not much
and he thinks it goes back like 35,000 years
he thinks that people have been around way way longer
and that there was some big
break somewhere along the line
like probably
some sort of a natural cataclysmic disaster
like a meteor impact or something like that
you know and it could be you know 25,000 years
ago like they don’t know when it was
but they think that there was like an advanced culture
and then boom it got fucked up
and then culture rebuilds
society rebuilds and then what’s left
is like they’re living in this ship
that was made thousands and thousands of years ago
and they tried to imitate it and recreate it
and they can’t
and he believes that that’s what it is like these these
fucked up Pyramids that they have at Egypt
it’s not
that these Pyramids were like the first Pyramids
he thinks much
much more likely
these Pyramids were probably
like people were just like trying to duplicate
other shit duplicate shit that was already there
you know they believe that
that’s not his theory that’s someone else’s theory
his theory is
one of the things is about the sphinx they brought in
geologists and the geologists have like
documented the erosion and the sphinx
and they say there’s water erosion
the thousands of years a rainfall have cut
deep fissures
in the whole enclosure where the sphinx is
and the problem with that is the last
time there was rainfall in The Nile valley was like
16,000 bc so that would mean that
the Pyramids
or the sphinx rather would have to be like
7000 years older
than the established timeline
and so of course none of the
egyptologists like the guys have been teaching forever
that the Pyramids in the spanks and all that was
built about 20,500 bc
they never want they don’t want to accept it
they go well where’s the evidence for this culture
like it’s right
there man there’s fucking
rainfall for thousands of years have created this
and geologists are
universal about that
there’s no one who’s disputing that
the geologists are all saying he’s got hunt this guy
ron shock who’s
a professor at Boston university
has got over 100 professional
professors geologists
to sign off on the fact that this is undoubtedly
water erosion which
completely changes the timeline for when
the sphinx was built
and there’s a bunch of that shit going on in Egypt
they believe that it’s like probably
you know maybe even 30,000 years old
there’s a mass extinction took place
on the earth somewhere around 10,000 years ago
and that’s when the
woolly mammus died
that’s when the sabertooth tigers died noah’s ark
no that’s before them
but the the
like 10,000 years ago
north america
like half of north america was under a mile high
sheet of ice like there was an ice age going on
and something killed it and ended it
like instantaneously
and they don’t know what it was
and it’s very
very likely that it was a fucking natural disaster
it’s very likely that it was a fucking media impact
that some well what happened that guy’s arm
you’re distracting the shit out of me son
don’t look at me
well don’t fucking have a monitor open in front
of me dude surf and he’s not even pay attention
we do one week podcap
this dude is so addicted to the internet
he can’t even talk for one week
I’ve heard you talk before
you’ve heard me talk
well this is online dude
this 675 people but have not heard this story
don’t look at me
shut up fuck it
anyway I think people have been around way longer
I think it’s much more likely that it’s just
ridiculous that people still don’t believe in
and how long this world’s been around
you know what I mean
oh like people believe the earth’s 10,000 years old
it just drives me crazy
well you know that’s a not monster number
more than 50% of america according to a gallapole
which is not the same
here’s the thing about polls
you can’t say like according to a recent poll
50% of americans believe this because no
no according to your recent poll
50% of americans who are fucking retarded
enough to answer your poll
believe in that
that’s the reality of
polls are never representative of anybody intelligent
because you can’t get me to answer a fucking poll
you can’t get you you got shit to do
don’t you have a hobby
you hear something calls you may I have 5min your time
no that’s for like old ladies who have no friends
that’s what that is right
well look at this glitter or
I’m fucking super baked and I just don’t
want to hang up in a person and I’m like um okay
5min okay you know I’m trying to be nice
but the reality is polls polls represent retards
you know
you’re fucking you’re a duller you’re answering poles
god damn it
the only time I do it pull is if
I think I’m going to win something
if I answer 20% of americans can’t find
the United States on a globe
is that true
joe beef don’t be lying joe beef beef is lying
joe beef would you make that shit up
solar flares up in 2012 bro
we’re closs in the galactic equator then
you know what you know
uh there’s a guy which is a richard tyson
is that his name is
what is that guy’s name
the astronomer
really neal tyson neal tyson
very very intelligent guy
and I really like listen to him talk
and one of the things he said
about this whole crossing the aquatic
whatever the what is it what is that the exact
the way this guy galactic equator
I think that’s what this guy said
yeah like
we’re crossing through the center of the galaxy like
everything’s in line
on December twenty first two thousand twelve
you know what he says
he says that happens all the time
he says he says that
like that like line up with the center of the galaxy
doesn’t happen then because it happens all the time
and nothing happens
who knows if he’s right or if he’s one of those guys
it’s like super skeptical
but I think what’s much more likely is gonna happen
in 2012 is something
something technological some crazy invention
you know like
I don’t think it’d be anything
it could be that too
it could be that 2012 what really happened is
nothing happens and then people realize oh
we have to actually manage this life
we can’t just rely on fucking aliens landing
I was more scared about 2000 just because it that made
with all the computers planes dropping from the sky
I was scared too I didn’t
do a gig 2000 I stayed home
yeah I thought
sure there was at least gonna be something small
when 2000 isn’t it crazy that that’s 10 years ago now
time is just fucking flying by man it’s crazy fast
it’s weird it almost feels like it’s quicker every year
and everybody says that
but what if time really is quicker
what if like clocks are moving quicker too
we just can’t really establish it because
that wouldn’t make sense
because what about digital clocks
they all exist in this fucking dimension
maybe this dimension is moving quicker
units of time are yeah almost
I think we’re forgetting more
so it feels like we’re forgetting more of the day
because we have more information
yeah yeah maybe right
I’m free for appetiteers
thoughts on the zeitgeist movement
you know what I think about
zeitgeist and all that stuff
there’s a lot of zeitgeist that’s poorly researched
like the stuff that he said about mithra and different
gods and stuff that that are just like jesus
well that’s really
poorly researched and incorrect and been proven wrong
there’s a website that says
I think it’s
it’s common
debunking zite guys or something like that to forget
what the website is titled but
I mean the guy just
breaks down all the errors that the dude who
made the movie made
and it’s just you know
he’s quoting references and showing very clearly that
the like guys guys have made some big problem
big big fuck ups and I think his whole
though how sure he is
this September 11th was was
designed and that you know the
inperpetrated by the us government and that
tower one and tower two fell
because they were
they were detonated like you’re sure of that
you know look
no one’s sure that that’s crazy you can’t set free spa
all this talk of
free fall speed and the towers fell at free fall speed
yeah they fell pretty fucking fast
but that’s what happens when shit falls apart
it falls apart pretty fucking fast
especially shit that’s super heavy
and gigantic and all that weight is on
and it’s all just collapsing
who the fuck knows
what happens when you build a building that way
and you fly
a fucking giant playing filled with jet fuel into it
the only way to really know
I mean you can have theories
but the only way to really
know is to build another building
and fly another jet
into it exactly the same way and see what happens
and if it falls down exactly like that one
then the argument’s pretty much over
and if it doesn’t then you have to go well okay
well what was inside the building
did it all burn the same
was it exactly constructed the same
you know and then you gotta try it again
I mean you have to fucking have
more than two buildings to go on
and everybody’s like buildings have never
fallen before
look the government does some nasty evil shit
that is absolutely a fact
but you don’t know
you don’t know what happened there and to say
that you know
is just as bad as people
who blindly trust in the us government
the thing that I have a big question
about when it comes to tim 11th
is tower seven
and if you watch video
online there’s video of tower seven falling
and it falls just like a controlled demolition
I mean it just goes straight down
whoosh all at once and it’s really crazy to watch man
you know because like
it implodes from the basement down and every
level falls apart
including like jets
of energy
like spraying out of windows like there’s blasts
I mean maybe that could be because it’s collapsing
I mean that’s a whole floor of air being right
but the problem is it all falls the exact same time
and that building wasn’t even hit by a plane
it was on fire and it had a hole in it from
debris and stuff and I could see it falling down
but there was a hole in one corner and the hole
if it’s a hole there
and the building is going to collapse
wouldn’t it collapse towards the hole
I mean doesn’t that make sense maybe
it also makes sense
the whole pop standing on a pop can thing
where if you stand on a pop can you knock a little
bit off the side
it’s not falling over
you’re going straight down because of the weight
you know I mean
it’s so heavy
even if there’s a hole on it it doesn’t matter
it’s just going straight down
mmm that’s maybe maybe
I think with all that shit
I’m like yeah
I’m glad there’s people that freak out
about and care about it
because without them
you know the government’s going to get
away with a bunch of shit
but in my opinion you know I don’t get care
if the government did it
fuck they did it you know
I’m still waking up eating my cereal
well that is one thing you have to consider
I mean it’s like you
mean how is this gonna help you
how is this going to help you in your life I
know if you get obsessed with this yeah look too much
here’s the bottom line
people that think the government wouldn’t kill people
and nobody died in tower seven supposedly
but they think people are so hard to believe
people think that the government would not kill people
this is all you need to know for sure
they start wars then don’t need to be started
that’s 100% fact
for sure the gulfetonkin incident that got us
into the Vietnam war
that was a fake fucking attack on americans
they faked it
and they faked it made this big deal about it
so that everybody would get fired up
and realized we have to go to Vietnam
that’s fact this is history
you know and the fact that
they wrote up a thing called operation northwards
the northwoods document
and the northwoods document was
they were planning attacks
on americans and they were gonna
this is a nineteen sixty two and they were going
this is assigned by the joint chiefs of staff
by the way and vetoed by kennedy
they were gonna attack guantanamo bay
they were gonna lob grenades
into guantanamo bay and possibly kill american soldiers
they were gonna blow up a jet liner
and blame it on the cubans
and they were gonna
tell americans we have to go to war with two
but well people were gonna fucking die in that war
for sure and
people were gonna die in a war that americans didn’t
want and so they decided
to do what’s called a false flag
and make attacks on americans
and blame it on the cubans
and that’s a fact
they’re willing to kill people
and only 3000 people died in September 11 for sure
that’s a lot of people
we’re not making light of it but
in comparison to how many people have died
in Iraq during the fucking war
they’re talking about
like 1 million civilians have died in Iraq
since the invasion
1 million I mean that’s fucking crooked 80 I mean
millions of people died from that earthquake in 80 but
we didn’t have it hd video
fucking you know seeing it products
yeah but we didn’t we’re not responsible for that no
I know I know
I know but I think the reason
why is that they’re willing to kill be right right
I think the reason
why we’re focused on it though is just because of that
though we all watched it live
where if you know
if we saw these people in a racket shot live on
tv would probably
be just as big as 9 11 you know
well I don’t know about that
you know I think I think
well I think the idea
is that it was an attack on american soil
I mean that’s really
why it was such a big deal
and then I mean I remember
how everybody got so patriotic after theirs
do you remember
after September live with how everybody had
fucking american flags in their car
remember that weird feeling
yeah you were
you’re still in Ohio back then right right
did they have them in Ohio oh yeah it’s crazy bad
I left I went to work one day
I don’t even think I was doing fear factor at the time
I might have been
but I was driving down down
the street near my house
and every fucking car had an american flag on it
it was crazy and I was like this is just weird
this is a weird feeling it’s
like people are bowling up
like everybody just go to fucking war
you know realize like how war
like this fucking culture really is
and how sheep like
and how people are just immediately willing to fight
you know and fight who
the people who did it are dead
like it was a suicide attack
so the people that were responsible for
the deaths of those people are all dead
I mean
unless you’re one of those crazy motherfuckers
it doesn’t believe that it was a real plane
and then and then there’s people that believe
that you know they were
piloted by remote control and the planes were emptying
who the fuck know
shit happened on the list what it’s just
it’s almost 10 years and I’m still talking about it
oh my god you know
it’s so frustrating
talking to people who claim to know
that’s when it’s really frustrating man it wasn’t a
plane it hit the pentagon it was a missile
where is all the people
that died in the fucking plane crash
then what they just
they took them
and why would they say it’s a plane
why would they shoot a missile and say it’s a plane
why were there all the plane parts on the lawn
I mean come on man we talk about this before it’s all
this yeah
the plain point
and we’ve actually laughed at three or two weeks ago
what’s fear factor real nothing is real
depends on how much ass would you take
joe rogan hates bruce springsteen
that is so not true it’s not here
are you just trying to get attention motherfucker
no I don’t hate bruce bringsteen
born to run that’s a great fucking song
brilliant disguise
that’s a great fucking song
never got any bruce brinks do
I don’t love all bruce brinkstein
I’m not gonna sit through a fucking
3h concert of anybody’s
yeah it would have to be like
richard prior would have to come back from the dead
pink floyd
I might set through 3h pink floyd no I wouldn’t
I’d get bored
don’t have 3h of good songs
but but I love some summer bruce brings things songs
you know some of them are the fucking shit
you know there’s no one is gonna like I bought an old
rolling stone album the other day
because it had one song on it that I really
liked I forget what it was
but the rest of the album was dog shit
and that’s the rolling stones
you know
you think about how many great songs they have
they have a lot of fucking albums
you know if you go back
into some of those older albums
listen to some of those songs that you don’t know
she’s shit you know no
no nobody puts out something that everybody loves
you know and if I like
I mean it’s very
rare that I like a whole album from a band
you’ve ever been to a real orgy
like with more than 10 people
having sex in the same room
it’s like you walked in
you’re like what the fuck is going on here orgy
yeah like a real one
no I know an orgy have you no
I just it just it seems like you know they tampa
remember we were in tampa Florida
someone who was trying to get us to go to a sex club
or as a guy that had a swingers club
that happened again with me and ari in
I think it was Nashville
mean already we’re in Nashville we had a saint
this driver who drove us to the ufc
drove us to the comedy club the same driver all week
and then finally he’s dropping us off at the airport
I mean he’s like as he’s dropping us off
it’s like well if you guys ever back in town no
I have a fucking swingers club that I belong to and
me and what I go
and it was I go swingers like who
yeah me and my wife were swingers your swingers
so you let dudes fuck your wife who’s like well
you know she lets me and I have to let her what
what we get to choose though we have veto power
that’s what we said
we got veto power
I go so some dude you feel like you can’t follow him
oh yeah no no no no no
big young studs like he’s get to choose
like he wants like old bald fucking
you know vacuum salesman banging his
wives mouth
I’m like do watch goes no I don’t want to watch
you don’t want to watch you don’t want to watch
your wife is getting fucking stuffed in another room
how crazy is that bitch
you know how crazy is she
you know whenever I hear about
chicks that want to fuck like a bunch of different
dudes at the same time
like that is there’s something I mean
look we’re all wired differently
and you know I like hot sauce
you like hot sauce you like spicy food
I like fucking really spicy food like I fuck myself up
I put like dave’s insanity sauce
on burritos and I’m sweat and
sweat it’s pouring on my face
my tongue is on fire
now the most people they wouldn’t like that but I
like that for some weird reason
maybe some girls just like dicks in everywhere
you know maybe they like it
maybe it’s just like they’re just going crazy
maybe it’s not but maybe maybe they’re broken
you know yeah
it depends on the person
some of them are for sure
fucked up
there was this girl on the howard stern show today that
got fucked so hard in the ass that it tore
a hole in her intestines oh
and she sewed it back up
and then
she was talking about how she’s just the other day
had two dicks in her ass
I’m like wouldn’t you once your intestines rip open
oh my god what is this girl
she’s in the New Jersey short porn jersey
poor or something like that
it’s somebody knows you guys know
somehow it knows there’s a bunch of you fucking
perverts god damn it you people know who it is
or get her name
teresa or something like that
or whoever was listening to the stern show today
and heard that
yeah Mr Hands that sounds just like Mr Hands
but that a regular dick doing that to you is
that’s even more impressive
the horse dick you look at it and you go
how does it not kill you
yeah the most amazing thing about that Mr
Hands thing if you don’t know what Mr Hands is
it’s a guy who got fucked death by a horse
and there’s a video
of it online
you can watch the guy getting fucked by the horse
but the amazing thing is
dear thomas they did it
terran thomas beautiful
thank you very much mighty hubris you fucking pervert
but the amazing thing about the horse fucking video
is that
apparently this guy had gotten fucked by a horse a
bunch of times
and nothing happened
like he was okay
house that even happened Mr Hands is your 9 11
because you talk about that shit every day you know
is there a point where you’re like man
I do talk about fucking horsephone no
a lot more than I should
no no because it’s a bit of my act
now I know but now it’s like part of my my job
you remember the
shit of the ba face
I used to go behind you and always
make the faces all the time
well I found myself
doing it on normal faces so like it would be my mom
it’s like hey mom
let’s take a photo and then we’re like
I got it oh
I’m doing this all the time
now I have to stop
so that’s why I stopped in a bar face because it was
like something
that was like in my head
if you don’t know what the bar face is
and this is
a thing that went on for literally like five years
every time
I took a picture with someone like
you know someone came to a show
and they want to take a picture with me every time
brian was behind them like this
and there’s
we have to organize them and put them online
it’s on my space but a lot of them are
but yeah there’s
many many of them there’s more
we’re talking about no bullshit
five years worth of shows
thousands and thousands and thousands
and thousands of pictures
all with brian behind it making crazy fucking faces
I have a picture of me
and david lee roth and you’re behind it
I think the last one I did
or the one that made me
realize I need to stop doing is the one I did to brock
lesner and I was so drunk
and then next day I’m like
I did not do it with brock lesner
how about the one you did with dane cook man
oh yeah and I did dane cook
that’s funny
but no the brock lesnar one like I was like
I need to stop
he could have easily kicked my ass right then
and oh my god
I don’t have that picture you gotta send that to me
I’m gonna put this up
holy shit that’s awesome hilarious hilarious
I’m gonna do it right now
because wow I’ve never seen that photo before
yeah I’ll put that shit up
well I put it on flicker
okay I did whatever
I can’t believe I bought face david lee rock
yeah he did this
dude I can’t wait to
no I shouldn’t say this
but I can’t wait to one day where david lee rock
be around maybes what
so we can release that video
or we won’t be
we have this video
of us all hanging out with david lee rock
just talk about them
no no I don’t mean I don’t mean die
I mean like he doesn’t care about it right now because
he told us not to talk about it
I mean he doesn’t want that video coming out
so the last thing we should do is talk
about what’s on that video
no no I just can say we all sat around and talked
but how about bullshit man
you were saying you can’t wait till he dies
you can release
no no no just so we can
like no show it to be because it was so awesome
it was awesome there right
yes it was
it was just cool talking to him right
it was basically just david lee raw talking about
crazy road stories and there was nothing scandalous
no it was just
I mean it’s fucking davidly raw you know
it’s just weird
hanging out with somebody that you
grew up as a kid
listening to buying his albums at gold circle
yeah it’s amazing
hanging out with david lee roth was the shit
alright hold on
I’m gonna choose the photo
I’m gonna put that shit online so you got to fix it
but this this
picture of brian going nutty
behind david lee roth is just indicative of one of
fucking you probably have
some of you guys
probably have photos of me in the background
you didn’t even know
people would get so mad
yeah people almost show fights with me before
you guys get so mad they go yo joe bro
what’s his fucking asshole doing behind you
and I’m like no no
he’s my friend
he’s actually get paid to do that okay
the guy is hempy
remember he came back twice
because he was so pissed off
we’re mad well there’s weird people that like
there’s weird people that fucking
like take pictures that they take with you
and like put them
like in their living room training
I went to this guy’s house once
we do this fear factor thing
please don’t tell me that
firefox is fucking crashing again
dirty cunt
oh my god you fucking piece of shit are we still on
I don’t know
come on
dude come on I don’t know
oh my god you fucking piece of shit
god damn it dude
we’re gonna lose this fucking recording too
I don’t think we’re released
dude what are we doing
go to the show
what are you doing I do
we froze huh yeah
we’re back it was a mess ladies and gentlemen
we tried
to come back online I was trying to put up
an image of me and david lee roth and
what the fuck ever firefox crashed on me
but I was trying to show you the the bar face
we’re all back right
everything’s good
I’m gonna try to unload it through here
slicker also has a nice
desktop loader you should download sometime
oh you just drag it to it
oh really yeah okay
I’ll get that
put the picture up right now
I think today
is the last day of firefox firefox can suck it
it’s gotten bad lately and
I’ve noticed chrome’s been really good
yeah I’ve been crashing a fucking lot with firefox
it’s like a lot
yeah I’d stop using it
yeah okay we’re back ladies and gentlemen
and apologize apologize and it’s save though
so if you are just coming in now
the first hour and a half is already safe
oh that’s annoying right
it’s better if I have a white
thing on my screen because it acts as a light
look mm hmm
oh look there’s a light on but it’s not a light
it’s just a little window I open
hmm I’m so clever hmm
make it so I can read your ship though
you know
if you got a light behind your monitor it actually
eases your eyes and puts less strain on your eyes
I’ll see you Dr
Phil Dr
doctor oz’s a real doctor right Dr Phil
firefox does blow you’re right
we’re using safari right now
and all you fucking silly cunts
that especially all these fucking maca is gonna pc
that mac garbage
oh it’s the same guy over and over again
nico fan 2009
you are dumb
okay you’re dumb you’re a dumb person
this whole mac versus pc thing
what do you give a fuck
and you’re telling me that pcs are somehow another
better than macs
guess what douche bag
pcs get viruses
max don’t it’s that’s with your viruses
they’ve written viruses
plus you bring me one
dude who’s ever had a virus on its fucking mac one
I know everyone I
know who’s had a pc except voodoo chicken
he claims to have never gotten the virus
that’s a lie I think that’s a lie
everybody gets viruses on pcs just that alone
it’s better to get a mac second of all
max don’t fucking crash nearly as much
this wasn’t a mac problem there’s a firefox problem
everything else on the computer work fine
that’s why I was able to reboot faggot
listen stop worrying about mac versus pc
it’s just a goddamn operating system
it’s like the republicans versus the democrats
most of the people
on one side of the other are just on a fucking team
and their simple little brains are stuck on that team
they might not even agree with half the shit
the republicans say
but they support them
and even say well we gotta support our team you know
I don’t agree what they’re doing right now
but what’s important is we support them
and we know push forward and we get a
republican in the office of 2012
black black black black
they’re just sort of
Washington redskins versus the fucking Miami dolphins
that’s all that shit is
it’s teams it’s just like Boston versus philly
philly sucks Boston rules
that’s the same ironic bullshit alright
there is no fuckin philly there is no Boston
it’s nonsense
you’re a dummy
shut the fuck up alright
how dare you where was I anyway
did you upload that photo
of course I did that it’s not on there how dare you
I swear to god I pressed that thing
they all said thing with the thing
how quick it is though
oh so beautiful
they just told me that they’re upgrading my
download speed to like 30 megs next
my jesus like thanks I don’t even have 20 I have like
I think 16 or 18 18 it said
last time it said 18
I got the picture david lee broth
that’s hilarious
all right this is what cost all the fucking trouble
ladies and gentlemen
a goddamn picture of me and david lee roth
but it was just to prove that
brian has been making this crazy buffets for
years because this picture
debbie the Iraq was like was it
like from 2005
it’s like three or four years ago before
we got banned from the comedy or
the whole community store thing
yeah because it was at the comics door right
so that’s 2006 maybe
it was right before he got together with
back together
with fan helen before
they announced they were going to get back together
he was telling us about him yeah though yeah
all right I just put it on my little Twitter
and then you see brian the background
making that crazy face
he did that
no bullshit fucking hundreds of thousands of times
that was a long odyssey just to get one picture put up
really wasn’t worth it
epic fail indeed
epic fail always talking about that am no keith and
pet fella try out chat roulette
you know what
I would think about doing that
but I don’t want to see any dudes cox randomly
I did it I tried it out but
I found this
this kind of somebody already did this before
but I found this a big
black chick and I put her on loop and then
did it just as in recorded the screen and stuff
but it was like maybe 90% cox
and I was like this is not funny I don’t
I mean it’s really sad that there’s so many
creepy people out there they’ve seen it
come on well you know what
it’s dues that want to show their dicks at work and
they just never get the opportunity
they get at home
and they’re wearing a fucking wrestling mask
and they go crazy and political
and this just suppression man
it’s like catholic school girls
number catholic school girls when you were a kid
they were always the biggest sluts right
yeah yeah why
because they never seen the dick
they’re wished away
to some fucking magical place where only girls exist
they have all girl teachers and shit
and they’re told that dick’s are evil
and they just can’t wait to suck one
they can’t wait
those bitches can’t wait
they can’t wait to get up dick and I’m like oh
they just want to do that forbidden thing
you know can’t suppress human beings man
I’d like to do it with
maybe like a five year old girl on loop
just sitting there going like this
you know
like that and see if any of these guys with that
dicks if they like put it away
or if they sit them all they would fucking love it
you think
what we could record them and put them on YouTube
mmm that’s not about it
that’s if we get a fake loop
about just girls
there’s a little kid just sitting there going
like like she’s looking at the monitor
and see if the guy
immediately disconnects or if he sits there
an extra couple seconds
so do they well how does it work
do they pull their dicks out immediately
as soon as the log yeah what it is it’s right
it just automatically put you in with a room with
another person
both on webcam
and after they have their dick out instantly
when I was doing it when I was doing it was just
guy’s stroking
it said right when he went in there you’re like
okay so that’s what you should do
you should we should get a video
of like a five or six year old girl
just freaking the fuck out from the beginning right
so it would only
work on the guys in order to be eaten off
right because otherwise we’d have to time it like
you know hottie or like normally and then go oh my god
yeah yeah
yeah and have our scream call the police
call the police
well we didn’t have to dip we just had to go call
you know that kind of a doll better better call it
let’s freak this motherfucker out
yeah because they can catch you
the freaky weird dudes are mostly straight
gay gets sex all the time
we are less repressed
yeah right shut the fuck up
let me tell you something
everyone’s fucked up
don’t you tell me the gays are less repressed
of course you more repress society represses gay sex
gays are just as fucked up as religion
repressing straight sex
and a lot of gays grew up in religious households too
and that makes them extra fucked up
it’s not like a coincidence that gay people
do so much crystal math
and there’s so many gay people
that love to party and
their lives become a rack and they
fucking towards their immune system
gay people there’s a lot of crazy fucking gay people
and not repressed
doesn’t always mean that you’re not fucked up
I mean how about bug chasers
how about gay
dudes that are purposely trying to get aids
you know that you gay due to purposely try to get hiv
they want to get it
and they think there’s something hot about it
and so they go and have unprotected sex unpurposed
hoping to get
that’s fucked up
you know you can’t say that
gay people
are less fucked up sexually than straight people
everyone’s fucked humans across the board universally
are fucked up
it’s just way too difficult to come out
and have your shit together
I mean how many people really have your shit together
if you had a guess the numbers
one at a time one really has there
no but I mean
have you shit together to a point where you know
like oh he’s not doing anything
self destructive
he’s being productive and positive
it’s like maybe 1 out of 100 man
maybe other people that you meet
1 out of 100 the other 99 are nuts you know
half nuts partially nuts you’re nuts
I’m nuts with both nuts
you know I mean how many I mean
even the dolly llamas fucking nuts
you know the dolly llama said he called
he said that oral and anal sex were
forget the exact word turns he used sexual
deviations or something like that
but he was saying
I forget the term that the dolly llama used
but basically he was saying that oral sex is
really bad it’s terrible for you you
shouldn’t do it like you shouldn’t eat pussy
the girls love it it feels good
and I like doing it right
you like doing it
yeah we’ve talked about there’s actually
there’s actually
science now saying that it can cause cancer and
in the person
that’s eating out the grown hour or something like that
what are you fucking remember
we talked about this once we talked science
no we never talked about eating pussy
yeah we made a video
we made a video
about it where I talked about eating pussy
and we were talking about it in that video
but we didn’t say eating pussy gives you
yeah it was something that came out
we were talking about how you like to
lock out of it like a slug
I know I mean that’s how we started over that
I don’t remember eating pussy using cancer dude
I think you might have just made that up
no oral sex
please Twitter verse tell me sweet jesus
please please please tell me
that you don’t
get there was some kind of study that from eating puss
oral sex increases throat cancer
wrist cereal scientists say no
that’s for girls because
dudes who have fucking dick ward shove their
dick into girl’s mouth
and their girl’s mouth gets infected
like if you have the human pop along movement
yeah that goes both ways
girls and guys can both get the hpv virus
from eating pussy
yeah you’ve seen what works for
chicks because you’re mixing up with
fucking blood in their
you know
you might get a clock back there in the corner
that gets inside an open
sore in your mouth
that does sort of make sense you know
earl sex can cause throw cancer
March 9th, 2007
kind of sucks though
because that’s my favorite thing to do
so I moved on to the ass
fuck son
what’s wrong with you boy
what time we got here
four forty three but we were down for 10min so
who’s this one dummy to keep saying
have I ever shipped my pants
you know
there’s something wrong with you as a human being
if you keep answer asking the same
stupid fucking question
over and over and over again like
that’s what’s interesting to you
that’s what’s interesting to you
all right let’s go to well
we’re gonna go to forums dot joerogan
net and see what the questions are
we put up a thread like we do it every week
I let people ask questions and shit and
Dallas this weekend edison improv
three nights almost sold out
that’s right bitches
it has almost sold out
late show Saturday night is sold out
there’s only 40 or 50 tickets left for both shows
Friday ends at or both shows on Friday and
the first show on Saturday so it’s selling out quick
so if you want to come
to Dallas by the time we get on the radio
when we get on the radio it’s going to sell out quick
we’re going to do
lexitarian a couple other radio stations
so that’s
you know if you want to
jump on it you gotta jump on it now
when you’re gonna get your tattoo
the new one yeah it’s gonna start an ebro
I’m getting into the sleeve bitch
I just thought of what I want to
get covered up on mine
yeah we’re getting a cat on top of that
cause that what cat your crazy explosion cat
what the the Japanese you know the cat
well I’m gonna go
I’m gonna go and get this lasered off
oh you are yeah lasered
yeah this one
the old one
I have up here because I’m doing the whole sleeve
yeah but chuck does he do laser there
no you have to go to a clinic that doesn’t
it hurts like a motherfucker but I’ll be a tattoo
let’s see don’t be a pussy
did they ever tell them
what how I found out what my tattoo
about that whole thing no tell that story okay
so I show the tattoo first tell
the whole story okay
so when I was a
younger I was a manager of a movie theater
one of my employees wanted to be a tattoo artist
while he tells the story I’m gonna play
one of my employees wanted to be a tattoo artist
and she her boyfriend owned a tattoo studio
so the whole time
she’s like you know he’s teaching me every
day how to do tattoos
and I do it on like
watermelons or something like that to practice
and she’s been doing it forever
and finally one day she’s like you know what
I’m gonna start doing tattoos now
so if you know anyone that needs a tattoo
and she’s like I’ll hook them up and I go
wow how much are you charging
she’s like for you
I’ll do it for free or something like that
because you’ll be my first person to ever do it
so I’m like thinking free tattoo
that’s awesome
so I went there
it took her
8h or something ridiculous to do this tattoo
originally was supposed to be an Egyptian turtle with
my name in Chinese or the letter r
in Chinese in the middle of the turtle in Chinese
it was some stupid I was really stoned or whatever
and it hurts so bad she did nothing but scar me
so I have tons of like scar tissue
and it’s like the gayest looking tattoo
looks like spider man
you know it was in a
gang gangfight or something I can’t anyway so anyways
so one time I met this bar in the
this Chinese girl goes let me see that tattoo
and she goes why do you have that on your arms
did she really talk like that
it was worse than that she had a cock in her mouth but
she looked at it and she goes let me see that
and she goes why do you have that on your arm
I’m like what are you talking about
that’s an r in Chinese my last name baba blah
she goes that’s not an r
she’s that’s like
flowing water
that’s like a waterfall
do you like waterfalls
so I guess my tattoo means water for me
so gay anyways I was thinking about getting the
you know how there’s
cats in Chinese restaurants
yeah they have a clock that could be like the clock
gt gt I’ll have aaron della verdoga from guru tattoo
we’ll do it together
that’d be awesome all right
or we have someone else grew
they have like seven fucking killer artist
he can recommend somebody
we’ll have him draw a honkey kong
we’re going
I got my tattoo donut guru tattoo in san diego April
and they’re awesome
a killer artist
my guy that did me is aaron della vadova
and he only does
big giant pieces
he did my whole sleeve
50h we went down there I think seven times right
and that’s gonna be the same we need to do this
there we’re gonna do we’re gonna do this there too
we’re gonna do it again yeah
okay so we’re gonna do brines
we’ll find you a good artist there man he’s got a
whole killer staff of
killer artists honky kong
still there because I wear a shirt every day almost
I bet he is I bet he is we can find out man gert
when does redband start stripping
ah it’s edward cat flap oh
hi flabbo it’s probably not him
hello kitty is worse than waterfalls
it’s not the hello kitty man how dare you bro
hello kitty I think it’s the good luck head
I didn’t take a bump I peed
I’ve never done a bumper in my life
it’s one of the few drugs that I’ve never done
there’s a bunch of them that I’ve never done
I’ve never done anything addictive
there’s hockey kong in there
everyone artists they got a bunch of killer artists
man that place is awesome
it’s in pacific beach darts
it still works I don’t think so
I don’t think so I think that guy lost his marmals
anyway what the fuck we were talking about tattoos
no there’s something
doing cocaine in the bathroom
oh I’ve never done any coke I’ve never done coke any
because when I was in high school
my friend jimmy his cousin
was selling coke
should even said my friend who
let you fucking guess
but he was selling it and
when he was
doing that he lost all this weight and he fucking
he would like
hide in the basement or in the attic rather
and just they would do coke and watch tv
and him and his girlfriend were just zombies
and I saw his whole life fall apart
like I watched it happen
and I remember like
saying that fucking stops bad for you
I just remember nothing but bad things
from high school
and and you know right after high school of people
and coke just like
just very obvious to me
the coke is like the worst thing you could do
karate nitrous
oh like from whippets
yeah I did it once once when I worked at an
ice cream place
I didn’t like it just give me a headache
we used to go I’ve done mdma so guy asked me if I don’t
I did ecstasy once only one time and it was awesome
but the next day was so bad
the next day I was so stupid
my brain was like
it felt like a sponge that had been just wrung out
dry and then just left in the sun
you know
and then you try to like clean something with it
it was just like
it was so my brain was so dumb it just
I was feeling so bad the next day
I was like this cannot be good for you
it’s got to be fucking terrible for you
who knows what it was in it though
it might not have just been
mdma pure mdma it might have been like
they say that people
cut it with speed and shit like that
you know
but anyway
yeah I couldn’t read the next day that guy
rem show gallery rem shu gallery
yeah I couldn’t read the next day man
literally I was sitting in
a Starbucks and I was trying to read
a magazine and I was like
I can’t even fucking concentrate on this
I literally couldn’t focus
it was it was bad
it was a fucking great time
though that night I can understand why people do it
and I guess if you’re not a big reader
you don’t mind feeling stupid
the next day wouldn’t be a problem but for me man
I’ve talked to people say this
you know the next day they feel fine
it just depends how much like strict nines in it
and stuff like that
we ever candy flipped where it’s
a piece of candy and has ecstasy on one side
and acid on the other side
I heard that’s crazy though it’s a great combo
yeah yeah but I heard
it’s like whenever you combine things like that
the recovery times
just accelerated
oh it’s even more time
I won’t do it nowadays
so what else what’s the best weed
the best weed is the weed that you got bitch
you know if you have
the options see
the beautiful thing about California is this
there that guy is fucking great
go with that guy man
that’s the perfect style look at this style yeah
I could totally see that guy doing it
adam hawthorne
I think
the thing that’s cool about
California is the fact that you get to
gold these places and experience
with all these different strains
joey diaz mixes it up every day
he thinks that that’s a ooh
that shit is badass was that right there
joey diaz thinks that
see this tiger looks like whoa
joey diaz thinks that he should
makes you weed up every day we’re on gurutatu
com gu are you tattoo
joey says that if you smoke the same weed every
day you get used to it
but if you mix up strains every day
that every day is like boom boom
so joey buys like a little bit of weed every day
it’s like a if
you smoke weed every day you get used to it
I mean I have to take
good three days off nowadays
but joey smokes weed every day
I try not to joey smokes weed every day
joey ain’t taking no days off
yeah you know when you go like we’re on the road
and like we pass by joey’s hotel room
like we’re all staying in the same hotel
when you go to get joey
his room stinks of weed
I mean fucking stinks every day it stinks a weed
he always knows the right guy
in every town to get him weed
you know and he always gets it
joey’s an everyday weed guy
I don’t I don’t smoke weed every day
I like to take days off
think it
it’s better
I don’t like that I don’t like being
completely obliterated every day
I don’t think that shit’s healthy
you know
all right
let’s go to the questions on the message board
oh your charlotte North Carolina date changed
it changed or
the venue changed it did
yeah what is it now it’s
amo south end
amos south end
whatever there were there for a
ufc so
the way it always works is whenever I’m in town
for ufc I always do
a gig the day before
so let’s go to the message board
I did a gig and Sydney had a great fucking time
australian people are the shit that show was fun man
but the show was could
could have been better
because I got too drunk the night before
oh we got too drunk
my brain was
first of all I was fucked up because I could not sleep
because you’re 19h ahead when you go to Australia
so your body doesn’t know what time it was
I’d be exhausted
I’d go to sleep 3h later I wake up
and I didn’t know what I thought I was taking a nap
like my body had no idea
I could not sleep
for like 8h in the session I couldn’t do it
so it’d sleep by 3h
I get up I try to read I beat off
I try to go back to sleep again
I sleep for another hour and I wake up again
like it was so confusing man
Friday night when we got there
it was
me and eddie and
thompson girl
me and eddie and thompsigore we went to a bar
and god fucking bullets Greek
we just pulled up to the bar
we set up shop like right right by the bar at this club
and just start buying people drinks just went nutty
i must have bought a hundred fucking drinks
just pointing drinks cheaper or marks
no i don’t it dollars all the same
it’s very close dollars like it’s like ninety two
to our dollar
it’s worth ninety two cents or it might be the other
opposite pride
you might be worth ninety two cents
i’m not sure which one
but people are so easy any kangaroos anywhere
yeah we did it the zoo
depressed kangaroos just laying around like this
like motherfucker
that’s what we were talking about earlier
more talking about the
killer ware that kill people
this was bumming the fuck out man
I would like to see a kangaroo
in the wild but they’re dangerous
they’ll fuck you up
was there anything Australia that was just
completely insane
their bathrooms have weird
lights and it’s like you know
how you grow up
we were talking about this me and eddie and tom
but how you know
when you grow up you’re taught that everything
sucks except america
all these little countries are all the same
Australia is the shit
I mean it’s beautiful it’s clean
really nice houses everywhere
the restaurants were great
the people were friendly
you know the economy is not completely fucked
you’re driving on the
left side of the road which is weird
but other than that
you can use that
what’s the difference
you know it’s just what you used to
other than that it’s fucking phenomenal
I mean other than that
what a great country man
I mean it’s amazing
and comics like uh my friend eddieft
he’s huge over there
huge guys sells out all over the place does tv shows
people come to see him
he told me
they write about him in the paper when he’s had a bar
but in america you
can’t fucking
get traction for whatever reason
arch Boston ufc
yeah it was great ufc
arj barker’s gigantic in Australia fucking monstrous
he sold out some place
supposedly it was like a 1500 seed place
sold it out something like 20 something nights in a row
I mean it just
craziness they love american comedians over there
so the show was fucking fantastic
I had a great time
a few people walked out but that’s gonna happen
man if you don’t know what you’re getting into
you know
I was trying to tell people that
if there was a big sign in the final show
that said warning this show will contain language
and material as extreme as you could possibly imagine
but apparently
some of the shit I said people couldn’t imagine
they didn’t know what to expect
sorry you got bummed out but
99% of the people had a great fucking time
but yeah it was a pretty wild crazy show
but also it was because we were hammered that night too
so two nights in a row we got barbecue
so I was planning on going Australia
and doing all this writing
but alcohol just
sticks a fork and all those plans you know
you said
that when you flew to Australia it was like 17h
was the flight
really did it really
feel like 17h was at the point where you were
just like fuck this
I need to jump off this plane
this is too much or no
no no I know isn’t that bad
you know you just the cats are fighting
you know you just
you read you watch a fucking movie
get on your laptop
all right I was you know
going over some material on the way over there
the real problem was once I got there
I thought I was gonna write
but it was just so
it was all get drunk
recover from the drunk
trick a lot of water get drunk again recover
you have like small little bedrooms almost on the plane
right plane was dope
but flew first class on qantas and it’s some
I think it’s called a three
ten or something like that giant ass fucking plane
and they’re huge man
they’re like it’s like a little apartment man
was like coach like
I don’t know kutans was like kutans no
coach is just fucking coach man
business class is pretty dope
business class is just as good as first class
wow pretty close to it
coach fuck you they said they don’t cost yeah go on
I’d been like hey let me hang out in your bedroom
I can’t imagine
flying 16h of one of these ass chairs just
jam next to raphae may on one side
and kevin smith and the other
gt but after
they ran a marathon I can’t believe
there’s somebody kicked kevin smith off
its fucking thing
how dumb are you like
do you not know who I guess
a lot of people don’t know who he is with
like the way he looks like they don’t know that
that’s that famous director
you might want to shut the fuck up
that guy’s on Twitter all day
every day he probably ruined southwest
that cost them money for sure do you think
part of me thinks so
but then the other part of me is like they just got
so much attention
you know especially if you hate fat people
you’d be like fuck
yeah I’m going to southwest all the way
but they lost the fat dollar
I bet there’s a lot of fat people who got bummed out
how does ralphie may fly southwest
cause you know how much money that probably saved them
all these
pissed off fat people that aren’t flying southwest now
just save them
ah there’s already studies that they were
thinking this is ridiculous
they were thinking about making you take a shit before
you flew because they found out
that if they made everyone go to the bathroom before
they got on the airplane that they would say
so many dollars per year
this was a real study that they were going to do
southwest this was in southwest
this was american airlines or something like that
so can you imagine
now that they have all these fat people
pissed off we’re not gonna fly southwest
it’s probably
they’re probably earning $5 million a year
I wonder how much it cost them more
to fly like fuel
wise to Australia for a fat guy than for
like a smaller
oh I’m sure it’s big enough times 100
then you would imagine oh my god you know
huh yeah that kind of makes sense
maybe southwest paid kevin smith in isis all
just to save them 1 million a couple million a year
I would never do that
kevin smith has integrity
I met him he was cool he wouldn’t do that
yeah he is really cool he’s a very nice guy
yeah I met him when I came in to do k rock ones
krq in la
very fun radio
the last
of the terrestrial radio stations in la
fucking radio in la is vanished
I wanted to do radio for a long time
I was thinking about doing it
you know I was thinking what a cool thing that would be
like we have some
interesting conversations you take callers
talk to people online shit
you know but
it just died when they had that 97.1 in a fm talk
I was like how cool would that be
let’s get out let’s get a fucking radio gig
you know let’s do well
you were gonna do it in Denver he would be back
yeah I was thinking about doing it in Denver
I was thinking when are you going back to Denver
people who keep on asking me that
well this ufc in March but March
I haven’t gotten a venue
to do stand up app so I might just go back and
no no stand up just have fun
just do the ufc
I want to go back and check out my house and
see if I can find
the fucking mountain line that ate my dog
what if he came there in
your dog was sitting on the front porch
he’s been living off the land
and he’s this big butch lassy looking dog now
he got jack believe me
he was gone for weeks there’s no way
your dog does not appreciate black people’s people’s
well if dogs aren’t around black people
and then also they see a black person
they’re like what the fuck
why is he that color what’s going on can dog see color
maybe they just see darkness
don’t dog see in black and white
maybe you think it’s a dude with a mask on
mm hmm
okay ladies and gentlemen
let’s go to the message
questions o’brien is a new look oh with the beard
well you know what he’s got 35 million in the bank now
just kicking it you know
today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard
and then through to commercial
somebody help me
oh it’s pretty blood conan brian now is a Twitter
by the way it’s conan o’brien
I love the whole conan story
it just shows you how retarded networks are
you know and first of all
they should have never changed shit
you know what they should have done
I appreciate the jimmy fallon
people enjoy jimmy fallon show
but you know what
put that on after conan o’brien you know
go back to the way you had it don’t be stupid
you want to go jay leon out tonight show
while you want to go middle america and throw
softballs and
not offend anybody
and then keep the conan o’brien show where it was
because with conan’s on
he can do all that craziness the fucking
insult dog masturbing
but he do it late at night because
you’re allowed to do more crazy shit late at night
you know what’s his face
remember when we were talking norm mcdonald
outside the ice house
he had the best point
norm mcdonald goes he goes
what fucking difference does it make what time he’s on
nobody watches it you watch out on your fucking dvr or
you see it on YouTube
who cares we’re gonna 1130 or 1230
it’s twelve thirtys better
you can get away with more shit
he was totally right
I like how he’s saying all this
but yeah his phone was from nineteen eighty two
so I was like you know
the fact that he had a phone at all
when I ran into him
I ran into norm mcdonald once
when I was doing some canadian gigs like
a couple of years ago
and when I ran into him he didn’t have a cell phone
I had a call his home phone
that’s right it never fucking cell phone
I didn’t have one
because I don’t want people to just
be able to get in touch with me
sometimes I was just trying to fuck off and disappear
I love that dude
he’s hilarious man
norm mcdonald hosting a talk show would be the shit
yeah that would be
I would tune into that talk show
he wouldn’t let get people get away with anything
you know he’s nuts you
know he’s a loose dude he’s wild
he would be a good couch guy for like conan
because if you were seeing him on the couch with like
I forget who it was
in the whole time he was like krakenshow
that was awesome
yeah he would be a good
good side guy yeah
and you know I have like a straight guy
and then he’s the goods of the side guy
what is my take on the weed stores in la getting rated
fucking sucks
you know the whole thing makes me makes me sick
you know the whole thing is so
so strange man
it’s so strange that they’re still fucking with people
apparently the way the law is presented
though in California
and I’m not sure this
is that they believe
that the way the law is presented is that
you can give weed away
and you can
sell it as long as you’re not making a profit
and that these
collectives are supposed to be to provide
medical patients with marijuana
but apparently there’s people out there that are
flaunting the wealth and they’re making
a fuck load of money off of it
millions and millions of dollars off selling wheat
now if that’s the case there’s two parts of me
one part of me that says well you know what fuck you
they should be able to sell it
you know
you guys are douchebags but another part of me says hmm
maybe it’d be better
maybe it’d be really in the spirit of weed
if it was free
maybe you really
would be in the spirit of weed that it isn’t
there isn’t for profit
you know people will go down and
these stores couldn’t exist and they couldn’t sell it
yeah but weed’s not that hard to grow man
people would still grow and sell weed
and you know people would sell it illegally
I mean there would be plenty of people that would
you know if you want good weed
you got to talk to this guy and it’s expensive
but I kind of liked the idea of it not being for profit
there’s something about it
bugs me that people are overcharging for this plant
just because it’s illegal
it means fucking
some places it’s super expensive you know
five six hundred dollars announced for like really
powerful potent weed
you know which I
understand that the gotcha get paid for his growing
and this and that
and I totally respect that
you should be able to make a certain amount
of money for it
but if it was legal
it would be way fucking cheaper than it is right now
the reality is the reason why it’s expensive at all
the reason why these guys
can make
millions of dollars and profit off of selling weed
is only because
it’s illegal and difficult to get
and you have to get it from these places
if marijuana was legal
and you could grow your own which is how it should be
you would have no need to buy it
you could have a little fucking plant in your backyard
or pretty much
already is like that though but it’s not
this guy got fucking arrested
it’s not this guy just got arrested
this guy just got arrested with 24 different counts
and he’s gonna charge him
and the way it works apparently is
what obama has said is that they’re not
going to charge people
who are only
violating federal law because federally it’s illegal
they’re going to go after people who are going to
violate both federal and state laws
so you have to follow the state law to the letter
and they’re making an example out of this one dude
apparently well
I mean if you go and get a license
you’re allowed to grow wet
seven plants or something like that
yeah you’re allowed to grow a lot
you’re allowed to have like a half a pound of weed
yeah you could even get other
license that you can do up to like 21 plant
yes I got that yeah you have that for some very reason
anyway it asked me if
I needed exemption
and I said what’s in the exemption for it goes well
the regular amount of weed is not enough oh yes
the regular amount is not enough
I need more so you could pretty much anyone
anyone can get that
even kids could probably get this shit
but they can get that license
so if you just grow
within your amount you could pretty much do that now
and even if the cops came over your house right
but it could be people that don’t have the room to grow
and they don’t want to be hassled
and they want to be able to go out and purchase it
at a regionable rate
and I agree there is a reasonable rate
but right now
the rate is so high
that marijuana is worth more than gold
marijuana is worth more propound than gold is
that seems a little crazy
you know I mean
it’s definitely inflated because
of the fact that there’s no competition
because of the fact that it’s illegal
and it’s a fucking plant
it should be legal everybody should be able to grow it
if it was legal
there would be nobody making
millions and millions of dollars outfit
the real problem is
it would fuck the economy up
because pharmaceutical companies would just fucking
nose dive there would be
so many different pharmaceutical products
that would be
they would be useless
you know I believe that to a point
right now I’d have wheat whenever I want to have wheat
but I still have
tums for my stomach
I still have aspirin for headaches you know
they didn’t replace any of them right
and you don’t have fucking glaucoma
dude you know
oh yeah I have
there’s a lot of different medications for add right
there’s a lot those are the $1000000000 medicines
it’s not tom’s bro but you know what description
most of these
that are saying that it’s the best drug for glacoma
and stuff are just hippies wanting weed to be legal
because if you look at the medication for
glacoma in comparison
I bet you it’s better than we it’s not
you don’t know marijuana is the best for
interocular pressure
I believe that it’s what it’s called
when glaucoma apparently it’s very painful for people
and marijuana apparently is the best at relieving that
it’s the best
restoring people’s appetite
when they have chemotherapy
that’s why cancer patients like it
it’s the best at
it’s the best that a lot of different things do
there’s people that have had kids that have autism
there’s a video that we showed and we played that clip
the kid that had autism and
it was the only thing that calm the kid down
made him normal was weed
you know it’s great for a lot of different things
and all those different things are prescription drugs
that are worth fucking
billions of dollars every
year to pharmaceutical companies
which is why they lobby
against recreational drugs
so called recreational drugs
which is why to this day
partnership for a drug free america to this day
gets money from pharmaceutical companies
they got
money from alcohol companies and tobacco companies
millions of millions of
dollars in the past
and because of that it was a lot of criticism
so they
no longer get money from alcohol and tobacco companies
but they
still get money from fucking pharmaceutical companies
pharmaceutical companies are responsible for oxycodone
viking in percocet all that shit
I still don’t think it’s going to be like if they
made it legal
like all these
companies are going to go out of business
I know my mom’s not going to be smoking weed
she’s gonna be like no I’ll take the other thing
some people would be dumb enough for a few generations
yeah they would be dumb enough
there’s just people that we just doesn’t work with
and that’s like that’s 60%
that’s never going to change
for the things that we’ve talked about
it’s not 50 or 60%
weed is a
real effective medicine for a bunch of different things
yeah yeah
more importantly it would be great for textiles
it would be great for you could eat it
I mean
it has all the essential fatty acids and the seeds
you know amino acids
there’s a lot of different fucking
things that marijuana is good for
besides just getting you high right
it’s incredible that it’s illegal
it’s really mind blowing that it’s illegal in 2010
with the access to information that we have today
the fact that it’s still illegal
that’s fucking insane man
because you stream laggy
yeah you streams always laggy man
anything on the
internet’s laggy nothing works perfect
this is fucking
the internet is in a
it’s in a stage right now it’s not done yet
the irs playing crasher guy having a hanger co
leased by member of homeland security
and having ties to intelligence agencies
is that true well I know that he stole that plane
so I don’t know it wasn’t his plane
if that’s what you’re talking about
oh really what you know what
I’m all for that guy because what
you’re all for
that guy that crashes building is playing
it didn’t even die in that
yes alright I’m sorry I got that just working
but fuck the irs
wow I’m still dealing with that bullshit
they’re like fucking bullshit okay this bad bad
bobby’s telling me that gold is
one thousand one hundred dollars an ounce
in bridge Columbia and
the best weed
is three thousand two hundred dollars a pound
it ain’t more than gold
it’s going for less than $17,000 a pound here in the us
oh I stand corrected
thank you very much sir
sounds better
the way I said it’s worth more than gold
yeah but I know what it’s worth more than gold hash
hash is worth more than gold isn’t it
damn hashes expensive as fuck
how much is a pound of hash go for
more than pound to hash high
but hashtags fucking
punch a hole through to another dimension
if you measure he smoked a pound of hash hash
they make out of weed somehow or another
I’m gonna do it surprising
the resin
how do they do it though do you know how they make it
I don’t have sort of a complicated process
but I’ve had it before and it’s very
it’s a strange high
it’s it’s very very
I miss opium strong
I’m gonna do opium again
opium’s off you did opium
fuck yeah that’s not much different than ash really
it looks if I was opium it’s like opius so no heroin
no no it’s like uh
it looks like a piece of soap
it smokes like
it smokes like hash and it
it smells like a hippie like patroli
it smells like patroli when it burns
really yeah it’s kind of like I don’t know
like a hash kind of feeling
I’m scared man
yeah the the gold thing
I didn’t really research that very well
it was something else
sorry over said that incorrectly there’s something else
that that marijuana was more expensive than per ounce
maybe it was oil
does that make sense
worth more than oil
more than more than something that’s worth a lot
let’s go with some other questions here
damn with the u stream powerful u stream
opium smells like flowers and is super addictive
from the poppy
damn faggot
why are you doing something super addictive
brian’s already digging cigarettes though
brian’s cat had a hangnail
and that got him to start smoking again
could know it was and I got audited by the rs
but before that it was your cat got a hang now no
it was my cat had a fuck that foot
cat out of fucked up fucks
his cat outta fucked up fucking
fucking can’t take it anymore
dude the cigarettes are the worst because
cigarettes out of nowhere
you’ll be like
dude I need a cigarette I need a cigarette
it’s one of those things
once you do it
yet opens up a door that’s always gonna be open
and it’s weird cigarettes look at this guy
did you know you can activate your pineal
by saying the word love at a certain frequency
shut up shut the fuck up
it’s like that shut up
the new mariah carey song
has a high enough pitch to open up your garage doors
no it doesn’t
people love to say stupid shit yes
do people love fucking magic
they love magic and nonsense
you know they love to think that there is
like something like that
there’s real magic
you can real magic
eat a pound of mushrooms
you want to see something magic
instead of having a 16 ounce steak
have 16 ounces of mushrooms motherfucker
sh boom
that’s magic you know
you’ll magically be retarded for the rest of your life
you’ll probably
be communicating with aliens permanently
you’ll probably be locked into another dimension
you know
tell jerry garcia smoking opium wasn’t addicted
addictive he moved to
smoking black tar heroin after that
well it’s for sure
dig they still have opium dens back in the wild west
don’t you remember sure
I never once did opi and the next day thought about
oh my god I needed
you know it was never like that
cocaine was kind of like that but for me
but hope it never was like that
that was more of like a treat like a dessert
well you know that’s a
good argument because this argument was on
the message board as well
people were talking about things being addictive and
the problem with even
alcohol being addictive is that it’s not addictive
to everybody you know I’m not addicted to alcohol
I could not have a drink every
day for the rest of my life
and I’d have no problem with that
but I like to have a drink sometimes and go on stage
I like to have a drink sometimes
my buddies just to make things fun
just makes you get crazy
you pay for it the next day though especially our age
yeah yeah man you get older you pay for it more
but the bottom line is it’s not a dick dude like
I don’t hurt when I don’t have it
but for some people it is
some people have to have a drink
when I was doing construction
when I was a kid
there was a dude who had a mountain dew bottle
and he would fill it up with fucking beer
just like cheat beer like kolt
45 and he would drink beer
all day while we worked all day
this guy was he was
shaky jones and dude he would show up for work though
he was there every fucking day seven in the morning
swinging that hammer
you know he was there
pissing every 5min guy was always hammered though
he was drinking beer all day for that dude though
I think it’s like everybody’s got their own biochemical
makeup it’s like you’re addicted to cigarettes
but like tom segura
tom segura smoke cigarettes when he drinks
but doesn’t smoke other times
and he can go years without cigarettes
no problem
but when he dranks he likes to have a cigarette
when was the last time he went a year with no problem
though well he said he’s taken a long time off
he’s taken time off a bunch of times
and he won’t smoke for months
and then he’ll have a cigarette
he’ll have a cigarette when he drinks
I definitely think cigarettes is like that
one thing that even if you quit smoking
it could be three years later in out of nowhere
you’ll start smoking again
no reason why
no you said that and so is ari so I think
you know I think they’re doing something
remember that movie the insider with Russian crow
you see that movie
it’s all about all the shit that they do to cigarettes
to make it even more addictive
like hundreds of difference of additives
hundreds of different additives
just to make it more addictive
I totally believe that’s true
totally 100% believe that’s true
and if that’s the case
man I mean who the fuck knows
I mean they say that cigarettes are more
it’s not as dangerous as heroin
because heroin will kill you quicker
and you can overdose from it
but cigarettes will get you hooked
quicker than anything
yeah but apparently if you
if you have that thing inside
you that gets you hooked to shit
like mostly but I don’t
but I cigarettes totally different
totally the only one cocaine too you said
well I almost because I was
selling it and getting a large amount of it for free
you were allegedly allegedly selling
not really selling not really selling
this is just for 5th
this is like a character
that would buy a large amount so he could give it away
and it had some extra for free
it was peter pan of
no not peter pan robin hood of cocaine
it was like one month of my life back in 90
in this fictional story in his fictional story
but anyways if you but if you were rich okay
what if you were like rich
rich what if you like jay z baller you know
private jet rich and you could just get pure cocaine
shipped right over here from the cia the cia
would drop it off on your doorstep
well I think I like the trico package of cocaine
I think the only reason
it was kind of addictive to me because I am one
of those people
that never go to the doctors
and I probably
need to be one of those people that are on
speed or something
because I like having a firework
I like having a firework condition
most of my day is spent like moping around
no energy and stuff like that
when cocaine I felt like I was alive for the first time
and I think that’s what was addictive
more of just like
I felt like I was out of some kind of coma
well sometimes yeah
well sometimes I’m having like a normal day
like I’m not really into anything
and I’ll have a cup of coffee and god damn
it fucking fired up
I feel great yeah I feel good about life
right fucking feels like the warm sun feels better
I want to clean my office right
you get a little fired up from stimulants you know
right that’s what they’re there for
yeah you know
I don’t know what cocaine’s like
but I know that I’ve had
you would never stop talking
ever did you talk about this
how much I did that tea once
you would be talking so fast
your jaw would fly off and hit somebody in the face
I have this thing called matte dakoka and
it’s a tea that’s made out of
I guess I’m talking to myself for now
I’m talking to you
matti de coco is a tea that’s made out of
coca leaves so it’s like cocaine
the plant that they make cocaine from
but it’s the unprocessed form
which is
it’s actually like indigenous people
chew that I think it’s in Peru
they said it’s like really common isn’t it Peru
he isn’t always outside smoking cigarettes
talk about myself
they chew this leaf
for especially people that
are at high altitude
like high altitude herding communities
they eat this
they chew this tea
this tea leaf
but I had it in a tea form and when I had it it was
not good for me
I couldn’t shut the fuck up
me and doug stanhope were doing shrooms
it was the day the Iraq war started
and we were in the middle of the desert at my friend
yon’s house and it’s pretty crazy because we’re
shroomin and right when the shrooms were kicking in
we noticed on the television set that
they were saying that the war coverage begins at five
and stanhope looked at me and he goes
there’s a fucking kickoff for the war
I mean that’s really what it was like
they were telling us when the war
coverage was gonna start
tune in and five
or war coverage
it was like a kickoff
it was like
that’s when the program the war program was gonna
start and
that’s when this guy yon my friend yon who’s like
he’s done more
psychedelics than anyone I’ve ever met ever
he’s definitely probably fried his brain
he’s got a cool podcast though
but he was
talking about hey take this mate to cocoa it’ll help
the mushrooms kick in quicker
maybe it did but I could not shut the fuck up
and I was telling doug while I was doing it
I was like I can’t shut the fuck up
this has drive me crazy and he was
laughing uncontrollably
because he thought it was hilarious that I was
talking about how I couldn’t shut the fuck up yet
aware of it and still talking
it’s the worst but you know what
that’s one of those drugs that thank god
you never tried because
you would freak out and love it because
it makes your mind open up and just think so clear
because you’re just
non stop thinking of new stuff to talk about
that’s for me
my friend jimmy said that when we were kids
we had the cousin that was had the problem with it
he told me not to do it he told you smell so bad dude
that is so nasty
cigarettes are so far nasty
but you
kept on talking about him and daddy needed a taste
oh daddy needed a taste you can’t go 2h with that
he had a cigarette right when we started
two by the other half oh
shut your fucking hole
you had your fix
had your goddamn fix
anyway cigarette’s bad m k m k
very bad m k you know what though
what’s interesting in California
I don’t know if this is
in all states that they have changed cigarettes
to go out by themselves now
so if you don’t hit it long enough
it will just go out because of the fires out here
so cigarette companies had to make something
in the cigarette
so if you don’t
hit it after a while it will go out by itself
and just makes me what is that
yeah that can’t be good they’ve
been doing something like that man
they’ve probably made it extra addictive along the way
oh it’s just well we can do that
but unfortunately
cause a psychotic episode is
to make you fucking mortgage your house
for extra cigarettes
you might start hoarding cigarettes
you know if they could figure out a way
to put something
in cigarettes that would make you
completely insane and
have this insane desire to collect cigarettes
could you imagine if that started happening you know
a lot of black dudes collect sneakers
have like you go into their house I got
you know mtv wraps or mtv cribs
rather you know you go in
they have like a whole room filled with sneakers
they’re hiding their junk from somebody
their junk was touched or its mouth
it’s too big and they think it have a
horse cock so they want you to look at the shoes
what is he talking about is like the shoes no
no they’re just
for whatever reason they’re into collecting shoes
what if people just started collecting cigarettes
like cording cigarettes like roomfuls of cigarettes
and cigarette companies were like well
you know we make a fantastic product
we can’t help it
if people get excited about it
they’re just excited about our product
and we found out that they had added something
to cigarettes that make people
want to hoard cigarettes
they would totally do it
if some fucking scientist came up with
a formula
where he could have a certain amount of chemicals
and if you put those in cigarettes and people
smoke the cigarettes
they would have this
insatiable desire to collect cigarettes
and buy way more than they need
you don’t think they would put that in the cigarettes
of course they would
fuck yeah they would do it
they don’t give a fuck about you
they sell shit that kills you
they shit they don’t
it’s not like they didn’t know
we didn’t know cigarettes kill you
holy shit we’re gonna stop
we’re sorry no
cigarettes kill 400 fucking million people every year
and no cigarette companies have even thought about
slowing down
and no politicians have ever thought about banning them
you never hear a peep out of politicians
all those
faggots want to talk about fucking banning pot
and you know we’ve
got to stop marijuana and illegal drugs
cigarettes are killing way more people than everything
else combined
cancer aids fucking heroin math coke all that shit
pull it all together with alcohol
it can’t put a fucking dent
not a scratch into its cigarettes kill every year
if they can figure out a way
to make you want a horde cigarettes for sure
they would do it
and the people hoarding it they would give testimonials
I don’t have a problem with it
I enjoy
my cigarette collection when I walk into the garage
and I look at all my I like the smell I get out there
and I mean it’s not like I’m smoking more
I smoke the smell smoke today
you’re right they do do that with scars
but cigars are totally different
like to like saver the taste and shit
and it’s like shit makes no sense different now
different cigars have different flavors too
they taste different
yeah they all taste like shit to me
they all taste like you’re sucking on a fucking
I don’t know a tree or something
I like them I like cigars I think they taste good
really yeah when you have a fat steak
and a glass of wine
you get a nice cuban cigar
with a fucking good taste to it
you know it’s just like
you take it in you get a good taste of your mouth
it’s fun get your little gives you a buzz
crazy it’s weird that you don’t like buzz then
I don’t like spliffs because you don’t inhale cigars
you don’t have to inhale put it in your mouth
you do if you gonna get high
no the science between getting high
is that once it hits your mouth
immediately interstream you don’t even is that true
yeah they did
a study where it showed like people
that used to think where you’re supposed to inhale it
and holding it in as long as you can
I guess suppose that you get 99% of the thc immediately
when you suck it
Twitter verse is this true
because if this is true
I will stop smoking weed from now on
and I’ll just put it in my mouth
I’ll just put it in my mouth
take a deep breath and then blow it out
I always thought the people were doing that were like
bill clinton I always thought that
bill clinton did not inhale
but it’s because he was crafty
he didn’t know that he knows the science
he knows the science is that real science
it is science
is that real science Twitter verse
what the fuck is that true
you don’t let’s keep our googling right now
I love google
we’re going to google right now
you do not have to inhale marijuana to get high
an air water to get high
I always thought you had to hold it in for the long
thing too
but wiki answers
what if you do not inhale marijuana
answer no
it has to go in your lungs to get you high
meaning you have to inhale to get high
well I’m not gonna listen this stupid fuck
because this stupid fuck spelled high right
two different times and then wrote have
in capital letters
not very scientific faggot
next try
here’s the trip do you have to inhale when smoking weed
Yahoo answers uh
don’t do it best answer chosen by asker
you fucking dummy
this is what the girl says
uh don’t do it
but if you must know
you have to keep this smoke in your
lungs longer than you normally would
a cigarette so
you inhale it and then keep it in there for as long
as you can then exhale
that’s not true
that’s not true
this is dumb contou uh don’t do it
why alyssa because you don’t want to have fun
why should he not smoke the pop
because he doesn’t want to be friendly
because he doesn’t want to be more sensitive
because he wants it
doesn’t want to tune into the universe more
shut the fuck up
don’t do it
you can’t tell me not to smug pot
because I’m a goddamn comedian
and that’s like telling a basketball player to not
play with basketballs
mmm I can’t find the answer this shit
yeah I forget where I read it I read it somewhere
it was like you read at the same
way at place I read that
gold is the same amount of weed I know
no because
I was on your side where that’s bullshit
and my girlfriend who’s going to school for nursing
she’s like that’s totally untrue
and then she showed me all these studies
I’m like oh okay it was a
you have to if she’s watching from the weed to get high
like I do let’s say
this guy says you need to fully inhaling to get high
take a big breath in
see these are people like fucking evolves
you have to inhale weed in your lungs
get higher won’t do anything
weed does not cause cancer okay
this guy’s got a cancer article
when I’ll talk about crancy fuck
all right
we have no correct answer ladies and gentlemen we tried
we cannot find the answer to this
Yahoo answers are all written by 16 year olds
40 year old retards one or the other
this guy says he knows everything about canos
more in 7 seconds
all right these guys
Yahoo answers yeah we looked at those Yahoo answers
man that doesn’t mean shit
it’s something about your mouth it’s filled with
whatever the makes sense because you don’t inhale
tobacco smoke when you
smoke a cigar and you get high as fuck
you get really high from cigars
cigars give you like a serious nicotine rush
like whoo like a good one
and if that’s if that happens
why wouldn’t that happen
with marijuana too
you know you don’t inhale the cigar
smoke you take into your mouth
and then you blow it out
you don’t take a deep
hit of it like you do with cigarettes
yeah that’s a tough google search
I’ll have to just actually
find that yeah we don’t know
we don’t know ladies and gentlemen
it was a recent article that was about six months ago
I read it
some people weed is not for them that really is true
you know like stanhop doesn’t like weed
stanhope hates weed
which doesn’t make any sense cause he likes everything
else but
I think he probably got too high and he got paranoid
if you get too high weed will fucking rock your world
man shit makes you really
the last ufc I was at I was tripping my ass off
I almost had to run out
I was thinking like okay
I am just going to leave
and go to my room and take a nap
because I was tripping too hard
from weed wow this is a rivalry says opium trivia
the term are you hip comes from opium dens
you would lay on your side on your hip and smoke
hence the term are you hip
that kind of makes sense
because if you ever watch like those old west movies
or dudes are doing heroin
or opium they are lying on their side
yeah like what was that movie where wyatt herb was it
wyatt herb
one of those movies buffalo bill or wyatt herb
I think was
I don’t remember who the fuck played him
well remember
what was the movie where a dock holiday
the one was fucking
dennis quade played
dennis quade played wide herb
and val kilmer played doc holiday the dopas doc holiday
before val kilmer just ate everything
that existed val kilmer is all fat fucked up now
he was like go back to top gun days
tombstone tombstone that’s it
we go back to like val kilmer like the old days
val kilmer was a handsome motherfucker
you know
you start hanging out with tom size warren
you know this whole wheat thing
we could just fucking next time we’re sober we’ll just
try it
ooh okay look at this guy says red band is right
arrow it here we go
robberies comes clean oh here we go
you do not read it to us
okay here it is
mouth smoking cannabis
one of the primary health issues with
cannabis is the effect of smoke of the lungs
while the risk
from long term cannabis smoking
are not fully understood is assumed by
before I do this
I will tell
I will take this copy
mount smoking is not as efficient as long smoking
and requires approximately three times the material
for the same level of effect
but for some people efficiency is not an issue
I would say it’s not an issue
you know cause
weeds not that expensive as you know like
we were talking about how it’s worth a lot of money
because but it’s not worth it’s not that much
I mean
one marijuana joint is like what is it like
$10 or something like that probably
was it how much is a joint
a joint
$10 about $10 but that’s at California a joint will
that’s for sure
fuck you out of your mind
even if you
even if you smoke a lot
if you actually inhaled
a full joint you would be bullets greed
California weed
California weed
so if you take California weed and you mouth
mouth fuck it right
you could probably
get by unlike it’s a two hits
of California weed from a joint and you’re gone
and one of the things that you could do also
is if you inhale it and you
free that out your nose so
you put it in your mouth and then you
below it out your nose
but you’re not killing it
it even increases it all right
well let’s post this up online just so everybody knows
what the fuck we’re reading
yeah but I used to I remember
there was somebody I used to know that would like smoke
she would only smoke with me but she would sit
I’m not gonna inhale it
but I’ll smoke it with you it makes you feel better
I’m like ha ha ha okay
she would always get fucked up
and I’m like wow she’s
not stoned but why is she acting so fucked up
so I look back at it now she was fucked up okay
I just put that shit up online
so you get Twitter that
so now we learn something ladies and gentlemen thanks
rivalries you know a lot of drugs motherfucker
this is the dude he runs the whole thing
it says he owns a poohol in
somewhere in Georgia
forget where it’s from
make them make them george I believe
but it’s a pretty famous pool hall this guy owns it
why does he have the douche squad
I don’t know it’s a bunch of dudes at the douche squad
you know some members of my board break off
into little separate sex
like little gangs
little gangs don’t know what they’re doing
if you never been to my message board
I got the craziest message board
I don’t know how the fuck happened
I don’t know what caused it
but I’ve had this nutty message board
since like nineteen ninety eight
and right now there is
more than two and a half million posts on it
I’ll put it up online
I started smoking when I was 15 ray
and anyway this message board
there’s so much fucking nutty shit on that board
that’s how I met brian
I met brian from the message board
it’s really got a life of its own
I mean it’s got my name attached to it
and I pay for it and to keep it running and you know
but there’s like a bunch of different dudes who are
cool people that I’ve met in real life
most of them that are
the moderators on the board and you know it’s anything
fucked up in the world
anything weird crazy any nutty news
if you’re looking for a video
like I heard this is a crazy video out
my board is gonna have it for sure right
when you say that’s looks
yeah it’s a crazy place
it’s pretty nutty ladies gentlemen
and on that note it’s fucking five thirty six
yeah that’s 2h 2min and a half hours
we can’t do more in 2h folks get boring
but we are at the addison Texas improv this weekend
Friday Saturday and Sunday
and I’m gonna take a link right here
motherfucker and I’m gonna open this bitch
and I’m gonna put that on Twitter
so everybody knows what’s up
almost sold out
yeah it is very close to sold out like all the shows
what about Houston
a lot of Houston people
wondering if you’re coming back to you
yeah I’m coming back
we’re right now
trying to figure out whether we’re doing the improv
or whether we’re doing the house of blues
there was a problem with the house of blues initially
where they said the house of blues could not
seat everybody
and I did not want to do a show where people have to
stand and we talked about this before that
we went to the doug stan help show when he was in la
and I loved doug
but I
fucking can’t stand
and just watch a show for an hour and a half
it just hurts your feet
your back starts hurting your neck gets cramped up
and then I realize like this is uncomfortable
like sitting and watching a show is awesome
but standing and watching a show sucks it gets annoying
not a big fan of the house of blues
I just went through to see a concept last week
and I had a horrible experience for those fuckers
with house of blues which one though the one on sunset
what happened
when you go through
they stamp your hands they put
wristbands on
they check your ids they scan the tickets right
so when you went there and it was general emission
we found a place that we wanted to like sit and
like lean up against the wall
it was perfect for the concert
halfway through the opening
act or whatever opening band security
grabbing my girlfriend coming out of the bathroom goes
where’s your hand stamp
she goes I don’t know maybe it washed off
I have a wristband here’s my ticket
he goes no your hands not stamped you’re out of here
and she’s like what
I have my ticket right here and he goes
I don’t care he’s supposed to have a handstand
she goes my boyfriend’s right there
and he goes go get him and he’s kicked out too
and like it was like
what are you okay but that’s just la douchebag
no no but then the manager got involved right
but that has nothing to do with
Houston Texas or no no
you’ve been losing the clues as a company yeah it is
all right
corporate policy you’re supposed to get hands stamped
I’m like it doesn’t matter
I’m in here I have tickets
what the fucking does manage you guys
I’m sorry but let’s go downstairs
let’s get your hand stamp
let’s figure this out together
I’m like the concert’s on right now
god damn it was just like the biggest
like fucking corporate bullshit
you know that shit wouldn’t happen at fucking improv
you don’t think so no
you don’t have your hand stamp but you have a ticket
come on
so you think that that
so what happened then you think would not happen
so you think it did
if we have a show at the house of blues
people might get fucked
my problem with the house of blues
it’s a corporate thing
the whole not being a
great fucking time at all the house of blues
yeah well you have any time when you’re at in front of
a good crowd of people
right yeah
but that’s one of the few
venues where you guarantee that everything’s gonna run
smoothly you know they get rid of douchebags
in the audience there’s not a record your own set
that is true now that
fans aren’t allowed to bring cameras into the place
or they have to leave them at the box office
well the problem with that is these motherfuckers
want to stick
cameras in your face while you’re on stage
and constantly record things
and put them on YouTube
they’re going to do that
very destroyed
they’re going to do that regardlessly
but it is annoying for them and for the bands and for
different people who feel like they don’t want
their stuff pirated
they’re just protecting the artist
that makes sense to me
I agree but it’s
you had a bad experience
but I think he had isolated douchebags
I mean people run the house of blues in
in vegas or fucking awesome
those people are super cool
that’s the one we go to the most
yeah house of blues in san diego
that we also do is a performance side not a customer
that’s true I’ve never heard any complaints
so if you guys have had complaints
about the house of blues let them nigga know
you know I
need to hear that shit
maybe dan ackroyd’s house of blues in
connecticut at the mohegan sun
deal fell through gigantic fail
why did I read that
you fucking
house of blues charges a buttler that is true
they have a lot of built in costs
it costs I get paid the same amount
to do a 300 seat room in vegas
as I do to do the house of blues
or just like 900 seats
which is pretty crazy
yeah that’s fucked up yeah that’s kind of fucked up
it’s because they have all these built in
they have built in costs
in their built in pockets
oh shit built in pocket yeah in their prices
that’s another thing
the prices were ridiculous
like a bud light with six box or something like that
is it really
yeah where is it in what is it in most bars
bud light usually I mean how it’s out of
Los angeles usually it’s like three bucks
two bucks for a bud light outside of Los angeles
yeah in Los angeles in Los angeles under $5 at least
okay well someone just fucking bitch slap rivalries
bbj jones says that
shit we said about hip the opium dens
he says
the actual
the answer of
are you hip being opium dens lying on
he says it’s not true it’s not true
it says too ingenious too convoluted and too silly
wiki 44 but that’s wiki this is this is just opinion
there’s often a great deal about
certainly in tracking word origins
since we have written
words record to go on
phrase may have been in common use
long before anybody wrote it down
after all
one doesn’t use slang phrases in most writing
such as newspaper
a certain columnist accepted
they should use
slang and everything
that’s how we talk
why we pretended to not talk the way we talk
I always thought that like
writing professionally
like when I write in my blogs
I write exactly the way I talk
which is like I wrote an open letter to kelloggs
which more or less I did as a writing exercise
I was writing every day
for a month
the month my spike tv special was being recorded
so I wrote down
I wrote my material out every day
I not wrote them material
I wrote new blogs every day and
I just needed shit to write about
and one of them was this
banning michael phelps because he smoked weed
and because I wrote this open letter
and I wrote it the way I talk
with swears and just the way I normally talk
people like yeah
they’re gonna read that open letter like
I didn’t want him to read it stupid
I’m just writing it doesn’t
you can read it or you don’t read it
but I’m not gonna write something
you do have more impact just like they’re gonna listen
they’re gonna listen to a fucking
podhead comedian
cage fighting commentator like kelloggs is gonna make
their decisions based on that
no it’s for you guys
it’s for humor it’s for entertainment
does the word hip really
hail from a west african language
it could be either or though this
this I mean it could be
that that
the original hip that rivalries talked about is right
I mean this I mean if there’s no real
if the origins of it are
murky it could be it could be both
it’s not saying anything to discredit that
anyway okay so fuck
red band is totally right about the cigars
oh is he really
totally right
I am totally right
no no it’s a fucking taste thing
I think cigarettes are disgusting
and you’re sucking on them every day
so you wouldn’t think they’re disgusting
if you smoke them for a week
yeah you’re totally right about that
you’re right
if I was a junkie I wouldn’t think they’re disgusting
this guy had a shitty experience
at the anaheim house of blues
same deal as red band except
they had to make me restant my hand
and I lost my stool
exactly that’s what happened to me
I lost my stool
and I was going to fight with a bunch of persians
and the guy felt bad
his friend felt bad and he kept on buying me
bad tequila all night
next thing I know I was like six sharisis bro
what oh wait isn’t that her
cause they’re they’re called persians
they’re iranians yeah but
they don’t want to be caught iranians
they would be caught persians
yeah I’m sure they don’t want to be confused with
irania here irania
talk about the fights at one tech
it was fucking awesome
came the last guys
that guy’s a legend
he’s gonna go down
in history it’s like one of the greatest ever I think
that was just some stellar shit
cainbelaske is gonna be him against brock
lesnar’s gonna be insane him
I want to see
him against fador
really I would love to see cainbelaskez against fador
I think every time cain fights he gets better
you know
the heavyweight division is a motherfucker right now
shane car won versus frank miyer and brock
lesnar’s gonna fight the winner
and you know
who knows what the fuck is ever gonna happen
to fade or fade
or ever gets to the ufc
the fucking universe might collapse it might be insane
all right lacey gentlemen
we’ve had a long ass show it’s five forty four
so that means even with our downtime
we did like an hour and 20min at least
maybe an hour and a half
love ya thanks for tuning in
addison Texas this weekend
next week where are we next week
oh Canada I’m in Canada next week
shazam bitches
I’m in Toronto
I’m in a couple other places
oh no what the fuck I am
but we’ll talk about that shit next week
thank you very much for tuning in
I love you bitches and
that’s it all right
I gotta find out how to end this
it would have been cooler if I figured out a way to say
thank you I love you wood off
shut up bye