you stream with your
with your problems
ladies and gentlemen
i present to you the lovely and talented
mr sam tripoli
sam tripoli
ladies and gentlemen it’s
honor and privilege man
thanks for having me here
dude i do love how you wearing sunglasses inside i’m
gonna do it
just for you
we have this this why
should black people only be able to
do it i want to rock that yeah why why can they do it
so clean your
broadcast right now
right aren’t we
says we’re broadcasting
does not show up on you stream
yeah for me
how dare you let’s try it again
might be a little slow today you stream is it bogging
do we have a problem there we go it’s all good okay
yep we’re good okay
so it was a
it was a total false alarm ladies and gentlemen
we have sunglasses on why because sam
tripley showed up with sunglasses and out of respect
i’m gonna follow suit let’s do it i’ve
never done a show with sunglasses on let’s do it
so what is it about black oh before we even get started
i need to get a new one of these
flashlights by the way joe
i think i’m
using mine can you fuck
the shit out of yours i don’t know if i’m not
cleaning it well
enough this is the one i fucked so you don’t want to
touch this one do you really fuck that
does it feel real
i think it’s a computer
do you really fuck that
fuck the shit out of that my cat wants to get out man
brian let my cat out too
while you’re up
there’s too many people in here she’s
freaking out
here meow that’s how we roll
ladies and gentlemen some people
they work out of a professional
studio in hollywood me
i got computers that are always
on i got a cat that wants to get out of my office
she does it’s a girl don’t insult
her brother that’s just rude
before we get started
fuck one of these i got
a bunch of dogs you ever fuck one of these
no dude it’s
of course you beat off we all do
you know guys with functional arms
and and dicks attached we all
masturbate yeah i
beat off enough this
is way better than beating really yes it’s way better
we are actually sponsored
by them but even if i wasn’t sponsored by them i
would tell you to fuck this
thing are you telling me
that they’re better
than a hand way better
way better because your hand you’re always there’s
you’re getting
you’re still getting like
a signal from your dick
right your hand and
signal from your hand that you’re holding a dick
you know what i’m saying
it’s like you’re doing it to
yourself and even though you know exactly what you like
you’re not gonna get the same feeling as if
someone else is doing it to you or if you’re actually
fucking something that’s amazing this is the next best
thing to having sex i’m telling you dude it’s the
masturbation device for the male
ever created
it feels like your is there a lot of upkeep though
man dude you
squirt some lube in it
you fuck it
you shoot your load
you uncork the bottom
this disgusting
snot ball of
shame comes out like the spit
valve and trumpet
wow you dump your loadout then you
stick this in the faucet
clean the fucking
shot so you don’t
pull you don’t pull the fish out of the bucket at all
you can i do
i pull the fish out of the bucket
all day who
created this
would brians or japanese americans god damn it we’re
americans by the way what
brian means by pull the fish out of the bucket
this is what
brian means this is his patented move
he says that this
yeah you just hook
that up to the back of your faucet or you
it’s a very controversial thing
flashlight it’s a very controversial subject sex toys
and i don’t
think it should be i think it’s
fucking dumb
it’s a biological
maintenance thing
you know that’s what masturbation is
people think about it
somehow another
still like there’s something
dirty to it
like this rubber
thing that you
stick your dick in
cause somehow or another this
would be bad you know what sucks
about that is when you have your
married friend over for
a nice drink or two
it’s laying around and you accidentally
leave it in the bathroom
and not only do you
leave it in the bathroom
with the lid open so it’s just this pussy
while he’s taking a piss
there was like a pubic hair on it of course
and he came out and didn’t say
a word and then i went to the bathroom a couple minutes
later i’m like oh he didn’t even say anything
you know like he
was just gonna like keep it to
himself like well
maybe just assumed you’re a
freak maybe just
hit it what did it
tell you with him being
married though
huh well you know
cause he was just like you know he’s not
he’s not like
fucking fake pussies are you wearing sunglasses
those are glasses no no these are
glasses i’ve been
using the internet
too much lately so my eyes are fucking
killing me really yeah dude you cook in your eyes i
did last three days i’ve done nothing
but surf the internet my eyeballs are getting not
but they’re not bad i can
still read but
they’re not as good
i can definitely see a deterioration but i’m just
assuming that’s a part of the
aging process
i’ve been on youtube
constantly watching pro wrestling
non stop dude
hogan vs the
ultimate warrior
i was like i
watch that i was getting really
you watch it
i just because i got this
right thing
going on yeah
let’s talk about that
before we even say anything more sam tripoli
has a fantastic show tomorrow
night at the hollywood improv
if you’ve never seen the sam tripoli
naughty show
it’s not just
stand up comics
where he gets a
bunch of the
you know really the best
comics our buddies from la
will go up and perform i’ve done a show
i did a show last month
right yeah i
murdered a heckler
so it was so much fun it’s such a
fun what it is though it’s not just
stand up comedy
it’s stand up comedy but it’s a variety
he’s got like a variety show
going on he has like little game shows
going on he shows
videos i love
porn stars though yeah that’s the main thing
this week you have dana don’t you i have dana de arman
and joanna angel
it’s great and he does this show
it’s like a comedy variety show
porno stars they do question and answer and
trivia type shit
it’s really fucking hilarious stuff
and it’s a fun evening it’s not just like a comedy show
which i love comedy
but i like that
you’re mixing it up you got comedy you got a bunch
it really feels like a
vegas show and that’s what i said when i
first saw it i was like
you know someone
should recognize that and put this fucking
thing in vegas
cause i know you put a lot of time and
effort into it it’s really a fun show to
watch man thanks man
yeah i look forward to it
my favorite part of the show
is telling clean
comics they can’t do it
i’m sorry you were
clean can’t use yourself yeah
but i like porn
you what you’re doing man
it’s you’re creating this really fun
party atmosphere
you know that’s
what your show is it’s not just a comedy show
it’s like a comedy
show but all this
stuff that’s happening it’s all fun and silly and
it’s like a
great move if you want to get a
chick horny
right your show is all
about fucking yeah
your stand up is
about fucking
the show’s all
about fucking your
you got porn stars up everybody’s having a great time
so by the end of the
night if you’re the girl you brought if you
you know if you picked her correctly
when you bring her to the show
she’s gonna associate having fun with fucking
she had fun with you she’s gonna yeah
some pavlov
shit some pavlov
type shit son you know i’m saying
i mean actually man my crowd is
a large part is women
yeah oh there was a lot of
chicks when we were there
yeah you have a lot of
women that come it’s
cause it’s fun man it’s a fun show
and again girls i
think really love
those weekly
monthly type shows remember when before
steel panther became big
weren’t they
metal shop is it the same band
i don’t know if it’s the same band or not because
i just got into them when you showed me and we went to
vegas dude how
much fucking fun was that that was awesome it’s
more than just a
music show it’s like
steel panther
they do like
it’s you know it’s like it really
rekindled these
eighties bands
the dude does like the best fucking
ozzy impression that’s awesome
and they’re really good musicians
you know so the
music is tight you know it’s good man
we saw him in
vegas at the
house of blues
we’re gonna see him
again because i
think they’re on
after me on july 2nd
i think they’re playing the
second and the
third i’m not sure but i
think they are
but they they were on after it
wasn’t that or was it
after the usa was the next day
i don’t know i can’t remember was the next day it was
after the ufc so we came down and we
watched it it
was a pretty late show but yeah fucking awesome it was
metal shopper
steel panther ruined one of my favorite gigs and pb
the there was this
place called moon doggies and
every time i did it i always got
like weird lays too like it was awesome and then
steel panther
one of them
they start doing it on the same
night and then the show
went away but dude i mean
weird chicks
like chicks who
blew cows and
stuff like that and like i’m like that’s a female that
i blew an animal that’s all i know and i’m like
a real chick
a blue an animal yeah
really what you like for a video
just for fun
she blew an animal for fun yeah
how do you how did you find out
about this she told me wow
how my life
that doesn’t mean you don’t really
feel like you scored
with that that girl’s willing to suck a cow’s dick
yeah but she’s willing to do that what
would she let me do she let you do what you did
anything you pretty much have
full game on that
yeah but you don’t feel like you accomplished anything
you feel like wow this is the lowest hanging fruit ever
right those
chick fucks animals they
can’t even talk you’ll
start thinking
about it and like putting
lysol on your dick
there’s just
isn’t there a certain
thing like that like
you know when i talk
about my act
about child molesters that you have to kill
them because you can’t really bounce back from that
yeah that’s a very
funny joke think
about that with
chicks there’s a certain amount of
things that a
chick can’t do
you know in her past
where you can just accept that she grew from that and
moved on right
like the conversation comes up about like
would you be able to date a porn star or
would you be able to date
a prostitute
that would be the craziest one right
what if there was a girl who is a high end prostitute
and she felt really bad
about it but she did it for like
a year and then she quit but she was the most awesome
chick you ever met
the back of your head’s
gonna be going what
shit i mean i know i fucked
up i’ve made mistakes i’m no fucking perfect person but
god damn you were a hooker
fuck you know it’s like you
would have to be like incredibly open minded
and then some
get over them
to like watching
their girl get bone
the problem that
those guys are all fucked up man
those guys they’re
just as fucked up they’re the type of people that
would take it in the ass if
given the opportunity well
i don’t want to say that they’re fucked up they
could just be crazy
swingers but
what the people that are fucked up are the cuckold guys
the guys who like want guys to fuck
their girl in
front of them oh yeah and like and like embarrass them
and like have you ever met one of
these people or do you
think that was just invented oh
dude it’s a
hundred percent
real in orange
county like
guys who pay like
large black guys
yeah i saw a
picture online
i don’t know it
maybe stan hope send it to me
somebody sent it to me somebody fucked up send it to me
and it’s this
fucking guy and this girl together
and the man is sucking this
black guy’s dick in
front of the girl
like the black guys making this man suck his dick
and then he’s
gonna fuck the
white girl and he’s wearing a suit
and it’s one of the most disturbing
pictures ever
it just is something so primal and disturbing
about it yeah how do you
get there that’s a broken dude any dude who like wants
to suck a guy’s dick and then wants the girl to once
he’s not even gay he wants
to be humiliated by this guy he wants
to fuck his girl in
front of him then
they a lot of times they come in the guy’s
mouth do you
think what the fuck
son you imagine
no how much
is that guy own you
he fucked your wife and then came in your
mouth oh my god
you know if you
found out a
chick used to do that you know i’m saying
well i dated this guy he was crazy
he used to have
black guys come over and fuck me in
front of him and he
would suck the
black guy’s dick
it was so uncomfortable
i really wasn’t
into it but he was into it so we kept doing it and god
i’m so glad
i got over that
you’d be like what yeah way
to go back what
the fuck happened
wait a minute
the white guy suck the
black guy’s dick then the
black guy fuck you and then the
black guy came in the
white guy’s mouth
check please
right we snowballed
twenty times back and forth and
seen too much hooker you have seen too much my dear
you’ve got too much life
experience i cannot handle that
that’s where i tap
yeah but isn’t there something about like
having your
getting your
chick to do filthy shit it’s like it’s almost like to a
point but then you
gotta go this is a girl this
is the girl i love why am i making her do
it what’s even
worse is when a girl
wants you to do it to or they
want to be humiliated you
hear about girls like that that want to be hit
want to be choking the
choking thing
is what gets me you
do the choking
thing don’t you i
dated a chicken want to get choked it was uncomfortable
scary you don’t
wanna associate rape
with sexuality with you know with i mean you know
the girl obviously know she can
trust you the girl
i mean if chicks are into it don’t get me
wrong i’m not saying
you shouldn’t do it do whatever the fuck you want i
think as a man though
the last thing you
wanna do is associate like
aggressive violence with sexuality
i don’t want to connect
those two in
my head because i know people get connected with
things that’s
where fetishes come from
i used to have a foot fetish
cause i dated this girl
you did really into her feet
yeah she was really into her feet
and she had
cute feet she just had was really into
him though and she would rub
her feet on my deck and shit like that that’s crazy
but you know she
would try to
jerk me off with her feet
really yeah yeah
she was a freak she was a
freak i just met somebody that liked that she was a
freak but this was when i was really
young and i was like 16 17
and i was like one of my first
girlfriends so i had this foot
thing for a while
you know you connect
you connect that with sexuality
i think it’s
weird you get into connect yeah
maybe that’s weird but
it wasn’t like
i was only in defeat
like i just thought i like girls with pretty feet
but you didn’t
see her feet and then like pop a bone
or did you no no no but i
found them attractive though i
found the whole package
attractive and
the fact that she was like really into her
so you don’t have a foot fetish now
no i don’t like them to be
gross but no i don’t have a foot fetish
do you take care of your feet
see i think
i trim my nails but
that’s just so i don’t scratch people and you just you
never get your feet done or anything like that get
the fuck out of here son
you should do it you
should look what you’re looking at son
you know what
man you ticklish
are you tickling i’m saying you’re ticklish
aren’t you no i don’t
need anybody
to be fucking
cleaning my toes no but once you have it done
have you ever
had a date a
monkey have you ever had it done there
dude do it once i
said the same shit what’s so special
about getting your
nails just it
feels good and it feels
clean and once you’re done you just like wow
i feel like this is like i’ve been washing my own
feet you lazy fuck
ain’t that hard
washcloths of
soap it’s like you were wiping it
they brought me to one to get my feet done one time i
swear to god i walked in
that all the asian
ladies look
at me and then they run to the back of the room
behind this door
and you just hear them arguing
and then one boy
wants to do you nobody wants
they saw armenian
walkthrough and they’re like that’s
hilarious i saw one of
those old guys at starbucks the
other day that
had like the sandals but his toenails were all
super yellow and like huge like curling up
and then he had all
those scabby
things all over
his feet like it was like drying skin and stuff
i trim mine mostly out of
courtesy for guys at
jiu jitsu right
cause it sounds
gross but and gay too
but you scratch guys with your toenails and jiu jitsu
all the time i get scratched
by fingernails and toenails
so i always keep my shit really really really short
there’s guys that don’t
man sometimes you’re rolling with guys you look down at
their feet and they’re like the wolfman
and there’s scrambles and
in scrambles people push and they push off their feet
and they can claw you up man with
their toenails
you know they’re
trying to get your back and they’re trying to get
those hooks in
they’re trying
to dig the hooks to to like get butterfly hooks on you
they can fuck you up with
their toes man
they can cut your shit up is that why you have a beard
from all the scratch marks on your face joe
sexy when i’m furry son
i’m trying to suck
on this don’t be
you don’t be hating on my beard son
yo but going back to what you’re talking
about is a manly beer
weird fetishes
don’t you think that people
should just embrace what they are and try
to find what
i was saying
to that all i was saying was me personally i don’t
think i mean it’s just an opinion i don’t
think it’s good to connect violence and sex
you know i connected feet with sex for a
while because of this
freaky girl that i did
that’s nothing
wrong with that no one’s getting hurt
if you connect violence
with sex and then you get with somebody that you like
and maybe she isn’t into that shit
you know maybe i mean
let’s be honest
the violent
sexual relationships
really don’t have a lot of fucking
shelf life yeah
assume you’re
gonna have another
girlfriend that’s
crazy this one that wants you to
choke her and brutalize her she
smack her in the head
how long are you
gonna stay with her
right we’re
gonna have kids and then involve them into
the whole mess
well you know obviously people adapt
and change and evolve
but it’s just
there’s something
about that there’s something
about violence like attacking and sex
there’s one thing
about fucking someone hard but it’s another thing
about you know
when it when it becomes some sort of a like a
sort of a rape thing
you know like a rape fantasy
there’s some
weird shit about rape
fantasies yeah that is
weird but you know it’s like i do a joke
about that auto rock a
fixation it’s like
my you know i
my whole thing
is get a spotter you know what i’m saying like get a
buddy no sit
there when you hang yourself and you’re
whacking it when your eyes roll they lift
you up yes for that yes you know what i’m saying like
but because
they’re so scared of putting it out there that
they hide insulin
you know it
would be a very good
point you mean look
think about all the shit that priests do
right and somehow you know
forgive themselves for it or justify it
there was that one
priest that
baptist minister very famous guy
obviously they’re not the same as priests but who
he died with a
black dildo up his ass
in a wetsuit
hanging because he did the autoerotic association
thing wow just
think of all the
shit that that guy’s willing to justify you know if you
i mean not really that’s actually
a bad example because i said he was a bishop
but hopefully they’ll
catch a priest
doing the exact same
thing and this
will make sense
but this poor
guy couldn’t just tell people hey i got this
crazy thing i like to do man
it’s really fucked up i’m in the
weird shit i
don’t i don’t want you to
see it but i’m afraid i’m gonna die
yeah so come in and
watch me beat
off somebody
just sit there and spot
me there should be an iphone app where
you hit start and if you don’t like
put in a code in in like
three minutes or something
like that it calls 911 automatically so you can
choke yourself or
whack off on what is it
about people that just trip on certain
things like that
like you know like they’ll get into just whatever
weird fetish shit
tying people up and
gagging them and
you remember our pal that used to like to beat his
chick and she used to like to get whipped
remember that he used to whip her who mr d
do you remember that no you don’t remember that
we can’t say who because
he dated someone famous
all right we’ll talk
later yeah we’ll talk off the air
we’re no snitches folks
snitches get stitches
i gave it to
him in cold he don’t even know who the fuck i’m talking
about and confused
all right we’ll forget
about it but let’s just
let’s just let’s just try
to figure out what the fuck it is i mean i know that my
thing with feet was because i
dated a girl was
freaky with her feet
i have a boob thing
definitely you know
every guy’s
gonna no but like i always joke i like girls with
vaginas that’s my
thing i i get
blinded by headlights like non stop
i i don’t see anything
about that we all do
i know but that’s what i’m saying it’s
basic you’re an
ass man i’m a face an ass man
you know what’s
weird about
there’s two
totally different
things when it comes to
with breast sexuality
what makes them sexual
there’s natural tits
where you’ve
got like there’s a natural pull this natural draw
but it’s just purely sexual
but there’s a different draw with fake
tits with fake
tits there’s
still a draw and you feel
stupid for being
drawn into these
stupid things because you know that they’re really just
bags of water
underneath the skin and it’s not the same draw
from real tits
but there’s
something a little
extra dirty
about the fake
death yeah a little
extra turn you on a bit
because you know this place
she wants dick so bad she’s like i want
to make sure you know i really like dick you’re right
they can say
that it’s like that they’re just trying to look
attractive and all that good
but what does
that mean you want to look like somebody wants
to fuck you you want people to really want to fuck you
i would agree
unless it’s one of
those like no i just got to be
because they were
really droopy
but for the most part yeah
look there’s nothing
wrong with getting breast implants if you want to do
that don’t get me wrong
don’t get me
wrong if i was a girl i’d probably have them if i had
small boobs i’d get a boob job fuck it why not
how about breast reduction i
think that’s
when girls just give up because it hurts too much i did
grow at that
that’s the only
thing i can think of i
dated a girl a long time ago she was just born with
giant ones she had a breast reduction before i met her
she was so happy though
because for her
like her back used to fucking kill her she had these
giant e’s like natural e’s
wow she just was born i actually have a family member
i said that
i don’t remember
that novel i was
right there i have a friend that
she’s born with a
gigantic codice
bruce breast or
lidus or whatever it’s called where your
breasts just
are retardedly like the retarded
breasts just
a natural or
gift from god
no no no i mean
these aren’t even real breasts
these look like fucking katamari
you know it looks like a worm
oh is it like the old lady breast
where it’s like down at their gut
yeah yeah diseases and if you
look at this person you’re like wow that person’s fat
but if you knew it was
just like hey lift the boo up here no actually i’m fine
oh wow that’s and she
won’t let her
operate she’s only like 18
they won’t let
her operate because they’d say you have to lose 30
pounds cause this is a really serious
procedure procedure
and i guess you can’t
be overweight at all you have to be really healthy
and she won’t do it so now this poor
girl is just wow she’s so lazy she won’t lose 30 pounds
what a lazy bitch
so you know what someone needs
to do something with your microphone
like how heavy
can you plug the
back in tighter or something
everybody’s in good shape huh
i didn’t do anything all right
so it now
ladies and gentlemen we are kingston which is
way down no i’m trying to get rid of that
like there’s like a buzz in it so
rogan what the fuck tripoli
i want to tell a story of
you and me and a heckler
i don’t know which one
oh yeah i remember that one that was a funny one
whenever you want right now
it’s the greatest heckle kill of all time
i was doing a
gig in phoenix arizona a friend of mine at a bar and he
whenever i came in town he throws
stand up show
so i i went down to do
stand up but
my aunt who’s no longer with us but she finally
got to come see me and she was like eighty at the time
so she came down my
whole family is there i’m on
stage i’m doing a joke
about how i got my ass kicked by my
girlfriend i got scar
right here from when she put me in the hospital
you know i got stitches on
stuff and i was talking
about that and i
dropped my punchline also and i hear joke teeth
i’m like what
me she’s like you’re joke
teeth i’m like oh what do you
who and i look in there just
really hot chick with this huge goon
she was sitting
on his lap and i’m like what are you talking about lady
she goes that’s not your joke that’s joe rogan’s joke
you didn’t write that you fucking
stole it from i go no
joe rogan’s my friend he
doesn’t have that joke no it’s his fucking joke i just
heard him do it
you’re fucking joke thief
i go well how
about this how
about i call joe
and he’ll tell you it’s not his joke
she goes good do it
but you won’t because you’re a fucking joke
thief i’m like and i’m on
stage man oh please let this have a good ending
so so i’m like okay i’m
gonna call him but we got make a deal
if he says it’s his joke i’ll quit comedy
now if he says
it’s not his joke you have to come up here
and let this guy in the
front row lick your tits
nice and she’s like okay
but you’re not
gonna make call
you’re a fucking joke thief
so i called joe
and usually joe
will get back to me the next day or something like that
but i’m like oh man he’s not
gonna answer phone
so i call him i
leave a message
like joe this tripoli
dude i need you to call me
right now i’m on
stage call me
and i hang up i’m like i didn’t answer
and she’s like of course he didn’t answer
cause you’re a fucking joke
thief i go it’s like friday
night ladies probably doing some
valve some my
phone rings
act of god i don’t know what
that’s awesome
it’s fucking rogan nice
i’m like but then you pay
tnt and it drops in the
i’m like rogan
what’s up he’s like what’s up tripoli
what the fuck are you doing i go
i’m doing stand up he goes
you’re on stage
right now i’m like yeah
i go do you do a joke
about getting your ass kicked by your
girlfriend well you know joey
doesn’t get his ass kicked by anybody so
it’s not happening
he’s like no
i don’t i’m like okay you need to tell this guy this
story so um
and i tell him that you know this girl
accuse me stealing his joke so i
bring this guy on
stage it’s like i
might confirm it’s rogan
and then repeat what he says
oh it’s rogan
still rogan
it’s joe rogan
no he doesn’t do a joke like that he’s
never done a joke like that and sam tripoli
doesn’t have to steal joke
cause he’s a funny motherfucker
fuck you bitch and the whole place just goes ah man
did you record this do you have a red band
no i think one guy recorded i’ve always asked him dude
it was lost in the egosphere
so the whole
place goes nuts
i can’t follow that so i just i’m like hey rogan
thank you so much i got take care of some business
i hang up i go okay it’s time to pay the toll to the
troll come up and let this guy
that’s great lick your tits
and she’s like no i ain’t gonna fucking do it and the
whole place boos her right wow
so i’m like oh i can’t i
tried one joke i can’t follow that it’s the
greatest heckle kill of all time
so i’m like okay it’s great
thank you guys so much standing o
i’m not lying to you
every chick
in the place
runs up to this chick
and starts fucking laying into her
you’re a fucking
bitch you shouldn’t
have fucking done that you made a deal you
should gone up there
let him lick your
tits this is beautiful
fucking all of a
sudden i see this chick
and her goon
boyfriend running out of the bar
cause they’re getting chased out by
chicks that is awesome god i wish you had that on
video what club was this
it was a bark called
what was the name of the
bark can you remember los angeles no it was in phoenix
he was in hollywood i was in phoenix
this chick got
bitch slapped
in the six o two
from the three two
three that is beautiful isn’t it
crazy you can do that today
dude that’s a that’s
wanna be that
would have been such a
great youtube video
see that’s why
these clubs
if they were smart
they’d be like look we’re always
gonna record you something fucking
crazy happens
you know we’re
gonna put on our youtube page
yeah i mean
i don’t like hecklers i really wish
every show was just fun everybody had a good time
but goddamn interacting with
those fucking retards sometimes makes for some fun shit
fuck yeah you know have you ever thought
about why they heckle
yeah i mean there’s a
whole bunch of reasons
for sure they’re all fucked up in the head
no one heckles it’s a cool person it’s not what you
would do i think girls heckle
cause they’re either attracted to you or they
they’re mad at someone else’s the center of attention
there could be that or you
could be offensive to them and they
feel like they have the need to shut you up or they can
stop you i’ve had that i’ve experienced that before
where i felt like
like what i was saying like a girl didn’t
agree with what i was saying and she just was not
gonna hear it she couldn’t hear it and
she had to yell shit out i’ve had that happen before
you know where
they just you
could tell they just can’t take it
it’s just like
they’re just too much a control
freak or something but
i mean the bottom line is i’ve seen a lot of
things that i didn’t enjoy
you know but i just left
you know that’s the
whole thing it’s like i hate comment cards
yeah there’s
nothing wrong with that man
you know you want to know that you
know a bunch of people thought the guy sucked you
know if people pay
my cards are just
like mailing list you know there that’s pretty much
the club trying to get your information to advertise
for you it is
but it’s also to get feedback
they read the feedback man
i think there’s some good
things to it because of a
bunch of people
got turned off to a show
you know they
should know
i mean you look you
gotta find your own fucking audience man and until
people knew
what i did there was a lot of shows that i did
where a lot of people
got offended you know people that came to see like
the fear factor guy or you know some guy from
television that they thought was you know cute
and i’m talking
about all kinds of
crazy shit that they
don’t necessarily want to hear
about it yeah
you know so i totally
understand the
whole feedback
system man you know
there’s nothing wrong
with that i’m a yop
elite i get it dude the best thing
about the internet is all the criticism that you get
it seems like
it doesn’t it seems like it’s not but it is
because some
of it is good some of it is very constructive even
if they’re douchey
about it it’s like
think about how you
would criticize something anonymously
you were totally nas
and you weren’t a performer
you know when you saw something
like it fucking suck donkey dicks this guy blows
he’s got this ridiculous
outlook on life it’s not well thought out at all
i don’t want to hear him making his dumb
points you know that’s what you’d say
if you were totally anonymous and that’s what they’re
gonna say too
but guess what man that’s the real reaction to you
and it may be
valid it may not be they
might might be just fucking
idiots who look for
negative shit and
everything and
they can’t look at anything in a positive way
and they could be jealous and they
could have all sorts of
other issues
where they don’t like
other men having
success or anybody having success
because they’re unhappy that’s possible too
but it’s also possible they got some good
points man you know i
think it’s real hard for us as comedians
performers to totally objectively
look at your shit you
know sometimes you don’t want to sometimes you don’t
want to edit your material or edit your writing or
you don’t want to go back on it and improve it
again and improve it
again and try to figure out
what’s wrong with it you
know sometimes
you get lazy but people
all that shit on
youtube comments and message
board comments
that’s all good for you man i really believe that
i believe it’s the best
thing for your
psyche to be able to
to really see
things objectively yeah
the biggest
thing i get on youtube is
that drives me
crazy is when people call me
racist i just can’t
stand it because i’m really not
at all you just can’t
even read that shit like you can’t read anybody on the
on the internet because 90
of them are people that it
might be just somebody you know fucking with you it
might just be you know
but it’s like it does
happen a lot
we had a friend let me tell this before you
we had a friend who
broke up with a girl
and she got on
every one of his youtube
videos and would write
nasty fucking comments
about him she created like a
whole profile
just to fuck with
them yeah and that’s what usually this is it’s usually
or it’s just one obsessed person
that’s making
multiple accounts to make it seem like there’s all
these people like
dude that happens
a lot of people that
think you suck too
no i’m saying we know somebody that does that
you know it
does happen
occasionally but i
think that’s not really
worth looking at i
think you know you look at like what’s the
tone what are they saying are they just being retarded
yeah or just
being that one
is it valid
right there’s something to it
i like it because i’ll
leave it i’ll leave
like if he has a
valid point i’ll
leave the comment if it’s just some
stupid ass makes no
sense some of
them just want attention to they
just want attention
they just want
to react to that 15 year olds on the computer
did you watch that
documentary with carlisman sia
dude i showed it to you son no
sam have you seen it i
haven’t seen it yet you
gotta see the clip you gotta
see this clip
no actually
i don’t here i’ll tell
you exactly what it is on youtube
we heard about this
they did a documentary called i am
comic and in the i am
comic documentary
they talked to
monsea where
it’s just right just
youtube look for youtube
carlos monsea
admits to stealing he’s just
so he doesn’t just
admit it but
he explains what everyone’s always accused him of
i mean he actually like
he actually like
tries to justify it by saying that it’s like
sampling i actually
wouldn’t care
about this at all no so over
after you showed it to me
it really was amazing
it was way more than i
could ever imagine he
would ever do yeah i
would have thought that it
would have been some sort of thinly
veiled joke or that you
know he would
you know sort of like
come up with some sort of a
you know justification
you know people are jealous or something and
or just half ass it but this is like he just flat out
admits it man
just listen to
it check this
hold on let me turn
down all these volume
you’re gonna
freak out because it’s just so
weird yeah i was kind of actually
starting to feel really bad for him lately because
his twitter has been really depressing and
stuff but this
this is scary you felt bad for him
after the marin
podcasts yeah well that was hard
for him i’m sure when
steve trevino
and barcena
and all those guys got up
i actually said
on my twitter that you know if you ever want to get ice
cream i’m here for you
and i told you dude he’s
gonna fucking poison your ice cream
are you kidding
me you’re like the one guy who ruined his life
here’s the clip
i really get
last run out of it
a lot of people out there
are gonna ask why did they interview carlos
about this you
know carlos is a joke
steve carlos
steals jokes and we know this and not
listen to me
and look at me when i tell you this with all honesty
if you think that i
steal jokes
fuck yeah you’re right
where’s that fucking
still jokes are you out of your fucking mind
when i come to a comedy club
you better run
bitch you better get the fuck off stage
if anything you say is even remotely funny
i’m gonna make it mine
and all i’m
gonna do is say mexican in the
front unlike a rapper
i just sample
shit and make it my own
was that really my song
i don’t know but it
sounds like mine
but it kind of
sounds like somebody else’s bitch
crazy dude wow
that’s almost like
watching a man implode
you know there’s something
about seeing that because what he’s trying to do and
make it look like you know like he’s a badass and he
doesn’t give a fuck
sort of like
i rob people like a rapper
would say it but i
think it was the only
thing he could do i
think he needs to do this i
think he needs to finally come
clean with it because that’s the only way
unless he wants
to live the next 30 years being the joke like oh
watch out for that guy
i think he just had to do this
he’s trying to justify it he’s trying to justify it
i mean he’s trying to actually figure out a way
where it could be okay did you notice
how he kept saying you know i have this amazing memory
i have this amazing memory and then they’re like well
when you did this this one time to kind club
i can’t remember that i can’t remember that
you know how
about the dude
doesn’t have anything written down
how crazy is that as a comic
let me tell you something man there’s there’s a
bunch of parts to being a comic like
you you know this the
stand up comedy
is not just your ideas it’s how you you get
those ideas out and that needs honing
and you’ll take
these ideas you have an idea for a bit
or an idea for something
i write everything out i
write out what i think
about something i
write out what i think
about a subject just so i know
like what my real thoughts and
points are and then once i do that
then i start dissecting it okay what’s
funny about this when we
get to the meat of this i know what i feel about this
now let me get to the meat of this
then let me get on
stage and let
me figure out what’s the best way to do this am i
gonna introduce
you know this part of the idea
first am i gonna go
right into the punchline
right away so it’s totally unexpected
right to the meat of the joke
and then like
build onto the
thing once i’ve already told them what’s happening
build onto it
afterwards and make it just more ridiculous
like how am i
gonna approach this like
there’s a lot of
craft to it man
you know and the bottom of
it involves writing shit
i mean you can sort of remember it
you know i’ve gone through periods of time
where i had a
bunch of bits
that they just sort of came up on
stage you know like they were attached to other bits
and then they branched out and became bits of
their own but i
never actually
wrote them down
i just knew how to do them from doing them on stage but
for the most
part man to create to really give something
some time and some consideration you got to sit in
front of a fucking
piece of paper
and think you know you got to
write and if you’re doing
stand up and you’re not writing
man i gotta know i gotta
think that you’re just how is it how are
those even really
truly your opinions i mean your opinions are
like all conglomerated with all the people around you
you don’t know what the
fuck your opinion is
until it’s you by yourself
your act is
alive until it’s yes
it’s constantly
evolving dude i always say that i always
say that it’s almost like i mean it’s very pretentious
but i say it’s almost like a living breathing
philosophy but i don’t want to say
philosophy because that
sounds really
kind of fucking
yoga e and pull yourself
you know it’s
not that it’s a
philosophy but it’s a way of
looking at life
it’s like this is my way of looking at this
particular situation that’s
going on this
particular time
and then once
it’s recorded it’s like frozen and then it becomes like
you know part of you know
who your life was you
know i mean
that’s really what it is right so
everything i do i try to turn to a joke at some point
how much time do you
spend actually sitting in
front of pieces of
paper or computer writing well
here i do a little different man i mean
i’ll sit down and
write but i
i feel like
i have to flow on
stage get going i’ll
write it down but
literally man
i talk to myself all day and i just work the bit
and work a bit
and like i’m driving i’ll be okay here
this is it okay tag tag tag
cut down and i don’t want to work it too much
i just want to get on
stage one time
getting my work and just
the natural part
right yeah yeah yeah
and then just flow and see
where it goes and just try to talk through it
isn’t it funny how you got an idea and you
write it out and you
think that you’re
gonna say it one way but then when you’re on
stage the moment just tells you
to say it a little different
and that little difference bam
could make this fucking huge reaction to it
just a word to
tweak a bit man or a
pause or just just setting it up correctly
you know there’s such a
craft to it
man it’s just something that you’re always fucking with
you know it’s
so satisfying but for a lot of people it’s so stressful
you know i know a lot of dudes that
eventually they want to get out they want to
do tv shows and shit like that because just doing the
stand up all the time just relying only on the
stand up just
such a fucking wild ride you know
yeah they like louis
ck does it man he does it
crazy bro he does a new special
every year and then
throws out all his material and
starts fresh
that’s strong man that’s
on it that’s a strong work ethic
right there man you got to put in some serious work
you know that’s a
that’s that’s pretty impressive man that’s a dude who’s
dedicated to comedy do you find yourself
always being able to come up with some
man sometimes i go like a
month without writing anything i like and i’m like ah
yeah i start
going nuts i’m like dude you know what fixes that weed
weed fixes the shit out of that
you don’t smoke weed though i’m not i quit pretty much
drink you drink that you know what
you should if you look at we
when you stop drinking again
about like two months ago sam what’s your
after canada
except tripoli
threw in them towel son
what’s your addiction
right now what what addiction do you got
going on right now any
well i mean like smelling your finger
this is the way i
think you should look at pot when it comes to comedy
pot is like a
turbocharger for your imagination
ideas that you have normally they’ll become much more
expressive they go down different alleys
it’s an enhancer
for your mind people don’t
appreciate how much of an enhancer it is
because it’s
associated with silliness it’s associated with
losers who just
wanna sit on the
couch and eat
munchies and you know
it’s associated with a
bunch of dumb lazy shit
but the reality is that the
effect of marijuana is fucking magical
there’s so much to it there’s so much
creatively that
happens to you when you’re writing and you get high
these ideas just come flowing
three hundred
four hundred percent better
than when you’re sober and periods don’t recognize
that you gotta walk
you gotta treat it as
an entheogen
treat it as something that’s helping to enlighten
you treated as
something that you’re
gonna use as a tool is you just
wanna get fucked up and party
yeah that’s the fine line because if you’re a guy who
doesn’t have the best
self control
and that’s what most
comics are most of us are fucking crazy
yeah the reason why we do comedy in the
first place
cause we really couldn’t do anything else
otherwise we
would have done something else
cause the beginning it’s so fucking hard
and no one thinks they’re
gonna make it
you literally have to have almost no options well
then the guys who do have options tend to go to
those options yes
exactly and
even if you do have
those options man it’s like a comic is
gonna blow shit off there’s just no way around that
right yeah i mean this the only way we got to be
where we’re at
you have to be fucking just
above rapper yeah you got to be at
least fucked up
pornstars are like rappers i mean
they’re so hard to wrangle bro you
gotta just what
the fuck was my original thought
your thought is smoking weed enhances
everything especially
music exactly
what i think you
should do is just if
you want to try it at all if you want to do it at all
treat it as if
you’re going to go through an
experience don’t
treat it as if you’re
going to get fucked up and party
that’s how i do it
when i write i
treat it as if
i’m ready to
experience something i’m
gonna go deeper into my mind
i don’t say i’m just
gonna get fucked up and i’m
gonna do some writing man
no i say all
right i’m getting ready to
write here i got
these ideas
now i’m gonna
get in touch
with the spirit
world yeah man just
think of it as a fucking tool
dude if it didn’t
exist okay and
if it wasn’t illegal and it didn’t have all these
things attached to it
you would think that shit is
magic it makes fucking way better
it makes food
taste better it makes you nicer
and it makes you way funnier
way more creative way more honest
like your shit resonates more when you’re high
i don’t think i can perform high dude my head just you
could try i
think some people are just
they’re wired different because i
understand being too stumping on stage
because i don’t
think when i’m
stoned i think
about something and i obsess
about something and
ideas and stuff
but i can’t actually like my my
okay i know
what you’re saying but the reason why you don’t
think that going on
stage stone
would be fun is because
going on stage is not a comfortable part of your
everyday life
it’s like you know how you can sit and edit stoned
you know and you get high
and then it makes you more creative and it’s more fun
well i don’t like talking to people usually when i’m
stone like if i get
stoned and talk to my mom it’s gonna be
worse than if i it was
i know what
you mean totally but for me what it is is just an
experience thing it’s just
like you got to get comfortable with the experience
and when you’ve been doing comedy
for like i’ve been doing it in 22 years almost damn
yeah it’ll be
22 years in august that’s a long ass time man
when you’re doing it
for that long it really does become just like another
thing you do in life it
doesn’t freak you out
so when you get high it’s like you just
tune into that
thing better it’s like you can just fucking
connect to it better
now joe when did you
start smoking weed because i
think when i
first mentioned you you
weren’t as a weed smoker no not at all
as a matter of fact i thought it was for losers
and what made that change i
tried it you know
eddie bravo was the dude who turned me on to it because
eddie and i
we met at jiu
jitsu and we were
going out to
lunch and we were talking
about some shit and he’s a
smart dude i was like we had
really similar philosophies on a lot of different
things you know
on politics and on the way the
world works and
how strange
everything is like a very curious
very similar
point of view to mine
but he would talk
about getting
high all the time and doing you know making his
music and shit
i was like how the fuck is that good for you man
i was like pun
just makes you fucking lazy like that’s what i thought
he’s like no no that’s all propaganda
it’s all if you don’t know what you’re doing if you
smoke the wrong kind of weed if you
smoke too much if you do it when you’re
drunk you know you associate all
these negative
things with it just try it
so i said alright fuck it come on let’s try it
and from that day from that day getting high
i realized i’m like whoa this is
crazy here is this
there’s a plant
that gives you
an altered state of consciousness that actually makes
things seem more
you’re more sensitive to things
and it makes you more
aware it feels like some weird
like intelligence enhancer
it feels like it makes you
dopey in the fact that sometimes you get so obsessed
with one idea you can’t like multitask at the same time
how to fucking
you know how to
spell someone’s name in your phone or
you can get some
weird shit you forget what you were talking about
because there’s just so much
going on it’s such a flood
and it’s just
the key to the
experience to
using it is to
learning how to relax
and learning
how to get rid of all the shit that makes you paranoid
because when dudes get paranoid when you
freak out about shit
you should be
freaking out
about that whatever the fuck it is you’re
freaking out
about when you get high
that is something that
you’ve put in the back of your head and you’re avoiding
and it’s an
issue that you need to resolve
and once you do resolve
those issues once
you don’t have anything fucking with your head once you
come to terms with who you are in this life and try to
put out good energy and you feel comfortable with it
then you can ride that bitch
then when you get high you can fucking
tune into it all
so you can get really high
and not be paranoid and instead of being paranoid
you learn how to
let go and tune into some sort of
a higher state of
truth than what you’re normally able to experience
you can see things
in a perspective that
doesn’t seem to be available to you in the sober state
as much as you
meditate as much as you try to release
even if i’m in an isolation tank there’s something
about there’s a
connection that
plant gives you to something else
and i think we just
we have it categorized as something that’s like
silly and we have
it categorized as something you know man we fucking
smoke weed we
watch this movie it was awesome
which is totally true too you can do that
especially if you
smoke like couch weed
but you can also
smoke weed and figure out the universe
i mean carl
sagan used to
smoke weed every day
yeah i think
that’s why it is i
think the propaganda that went
along with the people who didn’t want you
thinking like that you know to a point
with reefer madness and all that
stuff it’s like
when you get high or you do shrooms and all that
stuff you start seeing
things differently
yeah and you know people go fucking rogan and
his bullshit pot propaganda like what are you talking
about bro you’re getting
brain damaged
you’re fucking
you’re losing your mind
you know the people who say that all of them don’t
smoke weed the
dudes are smoking weed
they don’t give a fuck
do whatever
you want people that bash iphones
cause they don’t have iphones or
apple somebody put a thread up on the
underground the other day
tom law or filthy tom law or the fighter
said why should i
tell me why i
should buy a mac and you know people like you
if you’re gay
okay it’s all
these dudes like get fucking
upset at max
you know so
weird there’s
so many retards out there bro there’s so many retards
and all of them
just need they needed to
be raised better all of them all of them were raised by
other retards
and it’s just a
cycle we got
thin the heard
you know what we
gotta do we
gotta figure out a way to fucking make people
like develop and grow
and evolve and
catch the fuck up
cause these dumbasses
having kids
these people that are just
their life is a fucking holy
wreck and their relationships are filled with
fucking yelling and
screaming and
chaos and all sorts of
bullshit and drugs and alcoholism and hate and anger
these kids grow up in that and then they’re fucked
you know they grow up in that
they get poor programming when they’re
young so they
never figure out how to really see the
world in a healthy
and loving way
you know they’re always needy they’re always
angry there’s always
negative like that’s how they’re fucking programmed
and they’re
gonna program kids just like them
unless something snaps them out of it whether they
get addicted to
meditation and
become a monk or get into martial arts or
learn how to do a fucking
sport where you can get out of
where the fuck you’re at
you know and and figure things out for yourself
but you need to like really fucking rethink your
whole world when you’re raised like that
for most people that’s so fucking hard
in the middle of nowhere
i think people are just
like they’re just slowly dying it’s just like
the go out there and learn about all the
stuff takes effort and i so much effort
people don’t want to do that they don’t it’s
too lazy and they want you to think the way they’re
they want you to
think the way they’re
thinking that’s what they want that’s what
being a right wing person is all about that’s what
people who are nationalism
or internationalism that’s what it’s all
about it’s all about you
thinking like we’re all part of this one thing
think like me
the fuck just stop
stop with your
this is the christian nation
was built on christian
values yeah it’s so
and one of their idols
crashes and burn instead being like well maybe
we don’t have we don’t see it right
they’re like oh
fuck him get rid of him and new guys pops up everybody
saying they see it
right is crazy
anybody you can’t
we have to talk this fucking thing out
you can’t say
you have the answers there’s too many questions
it’s impossible it’s too tricky
you never have
crossed over and come back
most of them have
never even had alternate
experiences that they can add to
their model of the
world you know there’s altered
states it could be achieved by fucking
plants on this
that are growing
here on this planet now if there really was a god
do you think you
would just leave
things like that there i mean
if there was
really it was a god and he had a plan
if you think that then you really
should believe in
because they’re
there for a fucking reason god’s not just
gonna put some shit
that makes you have
these beautiful loving positive
incredibly mind expanding
that’s just a dumb coincidence
you know that’s
just a dumb coincidence that that grows on cow shit
like if you’re religious
you should be into
and if you’re into
experiences the
first thing you’re
gonna say is no one knows
you can’t know
there’s no fucking way there’s no answers
we all have to try to
figure out what’s the best
model of behavior for this life
what’s the best way we can get by
with the most positive energy
cause we don’t know what the fuck you believe in karma
yes it’s real
fuck yeah fuck i do i totally believe it’s maybe not
it could be like
it might not have
today tomorrow
a year from now but it will come back yes
here’s my take on
karma i don’t even
think i think even the way we
think of karma we
think of it
selfishly that we
think you know i don’t want to do bad
things because i want
you know good
things come back to me so i’m
gonna do good
things so the good
things come back to me
you know i mean
even the term
karma like the way people use it up that’s karma
see what happened to him karma
it’s almost like
self justifying
you know i think
the way to look at it is
that you and this is all shit that
i decided on
after i had dmt trips
is that i think all the energy that you put out
it’s sort of your choice
it’s sort of your choice
to be positive
and when you’re positive
positive will
resonate more positive
you put yourself in a
group of people you put yourself in
a think group
that are all like that when you’re positive
and you’re like a friendly loving person
you’re gonna
naturally have that kind of behavior from your friends
they’re gonna
feel like they can be that way with you and that’s
gonna ripple out
and so all the people that are
going to be in your circle
after a while are all
going to be like loving positive cool people
and that’s possible man we can all do that we
literally can all do that
it’s just hard to do
you know it’s hard it’s hard to find cool
people it’s hard to find you know people that you can
you know you
can open up with you be cool with it you you know
get to a point in your life where you
you know can
can like you want them to be
successful you want them to be
happy you want
great things for them like
literally want that for them as much as you
would want it for you
you know instead of
thinking of
karma as like
you know you do good
things so do
good things come back to you it’s more to me like
your energy
we’re all energy
and when you you resonate positive energy
and when you push forth positive energy
it’s fucking hippie
and crystals and
you know and yoga beads as that
sounds i really
think that shit is how the universe works
i think if you’re
a negative cunt negative fucked up shits
gonna happen
one hundred percent it’s supposed to
you know and i
think a lot
of the times when we have negative content in our life
it’s almost like
our life is a mathematical problem
and some things
will come up in your life male female whatever job
boss whatever the fuck it is
there’s things that come up in your life that are
absolutely negative
and it’s your job to figure
out how the fuck to get past this part of the game
it’s that simple i
agree you don’t just say
oh my fucking job sucks
my boss is a douche so
i’m getting fucking
ulcers because my
boss is fucking always on my ass i’m always nervous no
this is an intelligence test
okay you’ve reached a problem yet it
might be very difficult
to solve this problem you
might have children you
might have you know
obligations that you have to
think so this problem
might take you a couple years to
solve but it’s your fucking job to
solve this problem douchebag
it’s not your
job to go to the doctor and take a fucking pill
that makes you loopy and then you do
cocaine one night and
shoot up a fucking
movie theater
you know what i’m saying
i mean get your shit together son
get your fucking shit together this life
is a test it’s all like
little things that you come across in your life you’re
gonna fail you’re
gonna have mistakes
but that’s all
good that’s what they’re supposed to be there for
everything’s energy man yeah i mean it
sounds totally
ridiculous tubes and tunnels
that’s what i believe man i believe it’s all
what’s tubes and tunnels
that’s just you know
everything like
tron yeah tron
you guys see
you see toy story 3d
yeah the dope i
loved it i hear it’s awesome that is probably the best
movie ever to get as stoned as
closest to like i’m having a
heart attack
get that stoned
go see toy story 3
it’s fucking
crazy i just i don’t you
might not i love animated
movies really well like up
did you like up
dude it was better than up and
that’s saying a lot because i love
how great was up when you’re baked
dude you’re
gonna love this i saw the
incredibles high
it was so good
yeah it was
magical avatar high is the best
movie in the world
you know what i i’m waiting for it to come out
on blu ray like a better blu ray
version so i’ve
seen blu ray
yeah because they you
haven’t seen it
no i’ve seen it
i’ve seen it
right i’ve seen it but no they released
a stripped down blu ray
and then they’re
gonna release
like an extended version blu ray like in a couple
months and so i’m like waiting
i’m not gonna just go buy this look
at you use frugal shopper
well i don’t
wanna buy three versions of avatar
what do you think
about him not winning the oscar
who gives a fuck man really
these are goofy
jokes the the idea that you you fucking you have
awards you give to art
who who the fuck is who to say who what is good
the shit that people like that i hate
you know there’s
women that thought sex in
the city too is the
greatest movie in the history of the world
you know what i have liked it probably not did you
watch kimmel last night
no dude they ran out of
power and they
oh that’s what was
going on they
all right so anyways i
think i looked at it and i’m like that’s
completely the
marketing that’s
completely like a good idea to advertise
the green hornet
trailer that they
premiered and
stuff like that
because it was
weird because
we don’t have
power for the cameras
but yet then they’re in a room
where the tvs are on and the
lights are on i’m like
well i mean
what kind of camera
does not just plug into a wall i
guess not right well we can find out
we can find out but
it was genius
it was john barriss
will tell us
don was on it last
night he was taking the laptop and showing like all
right don well
they’re calling don
barriss right now do not release this information
but what’s weird is that
i bet that got so much ratings because of that
you know that little gimmick and
stuff like that
the whole show was like
watching this you
stream on tv
and it’s brilliant because what if it was it to
stream what was it
he was doing it in
photo booth
or whatever the mac
basic mac program that comes with it photo
it’s totally scam
but it has to be a scam
i don’t know cause
half of you wants to go no
i could see this actually you
know what i did
on television
yeah yeah and so the
whole episode was filmed like with a shitty webcam
on his macbook
and i’m like wait what if that becomes popular we
start going backwards with our hdtvs we’re now
watching you
stream shitty videos
you know what i didn’t mind it i mean i only watched it
for a couple
minutes the
sound is what got it was on when i was
i was watching a
fight and i shut it off and i was getting
ready to go to bed
and when i shut the
fight off the regular tv came on the
fight was on the dvr right
and then it was on and i was like what the fuck is
going on here
but it made me tune in because i was like yeah
yeah yeah exactly
it worked it worked how
often going
backwards how
often you actually
watch talk shows do you
watch talk shows not that much no
i teevo i like
wait for the youtube clips
cause if letterman says something really hilarious
it’s gonna be in a youtube clip i mean
i don’t have an hour and a half i
t bow them all
and then if somebody says hey did you
watch the lino or whatever and i’m like oh
watch that then
right i giggle out at that time too
cause i go up late
yeah yeah you know
what’s weird is being friends with all you comics
because all of you
can’t do anything
except go to comedy clubs
every night
you pretty much
write off your life
at a comedy club
every single night
cause like i was
going through some
tough times recently i’m like
hey who can i call
no i don’t wanna see your show i’ve already seen it
hey how you doing oh no i don’t
wanna go see your show i
like you guys
never stop like
hey come to my show come to my show and it
never stops
i’ll do that
maybe you’re just an
awesome audience
member people
want to hang
out with you
bring your camera brian
no what the real problem is
brian is that they have to go up i know that’s
the only way you can hang out how do
you guys devote
so much of your life though to
cause like i’m not
like every night
especially weekends you have to work man
i mean if you want to be a
comic you gotta work that’s the
way it works yeah you
you’re a writer you’re a producer you’re the director
you know if you’re putting out a shit product
could directly affect
you know reflects on you
right you gotta be careful
you gotta work at it you know and
stand up comedy
man if i take a couple of weeks off i feel
rusty yeah i’ve
been doing it 22 fucking years
and i take a couple
weeks off and i’m like ooh i’m a little rusty here
i’m not feeling this
right then yeah
i was i was in australia even
though i was gigging out there and i came back and i
did a store set and i got heckled
right out the gate and it
went bad fast dude it was like those
store heckles are dark bro
there’s something
about heckling in the
store that leads much
quicker to violence and
anger and like real tension
i’ve never had people
throw shit at me but i’ve had two people
throw things at me at the store
yeah it’s so
weird man and the
bouncers are all emo fucks
look at their comments
and fucking
death cab for
cutie or something
like yeah there’s some big fuck in the in the original
room and he’s yelling at somebody like remember when
holzman got
knocked out
oh remember that
martian lawrence’s
bodyguard knocked out holtzman
yeah martin lawrence was fucked up in the audience
recycled holtzman
i don’t know if he was fucked up i might have
added that part to it but anyway that’s a big
night for him though like
icm was down all the people from
icm would come down to see him to see
holtzman yeah so they saw him get knocked out
saw all the crazy
oh lawrence might have just changed this
whole career path like no you’re not
going to become a movie star bam yeah
what about that
what changed holzman’s career path well i mean what if
those guys were like dude we love this comic
they said they were like did he just got knocked out
yeah maybe i don’t know you know
holzman was the type of guy that would kill
kill comedians he would kill us
but with a lot of people they didn’t see it as a goof
and they thought
it was just he was just this really douchey
angry man yeah
and see how
funny it was the mean fucked up shit that he was saying
without that character
now the comedy store
doesn’t work it doesn’t
the comedy store
is such a dark evil fucking place
for people that don’t know the comedy
store used to be
zeros nightclub
and bugsy seagull ran that
place in the 50s or the 40s
where the fuck it was what was that i
think the 40s 40s
bugsy seagal
apparently had a
bunch of people murdered
yeah yeah see
yeah shane and
apparently you know everybody that works there has
these creepy fucking horror stories
you know they all talk about
ghosts and shit but
that said almost everybody that works there is
crazy and does drugs yes so
you know with a
grain of salt my friends you know i always
found funny
about ghosts man is like i don’t know if you ever
watch them paranormal
you know and they’ll show
up and they’ll interview the person and they’ll be like
you know and then fire came out of the walls and
blood was everywhere and then they’ll do like dead
time and it’s like they won’t see that curtain move
yeah that’s bullshit it’s all
night vision
in a basement
what’s that
noise that’s
every show yeah nobody ever gets the editing
ghosts on video
all you have to do is fucking go to a cemetery
like midnight
on halloween and just
go find somebody that’s murdered
wife or something like that and
start making fun of her you know
and just like
watch nothing will happen well
no ghost has ever killed anybody man you know
now do you do you
like i was always thought that like
ghost maybe were like
it’s all energy man and
maybe energy gets lost in some kind of
well transfer
if you look at
our existence on this planet
as we’re in a
frequency you
know and this is i mean if you
i don’t understand
how this works but quantum physicists believe
that there are 11 dimensions that’s the current model
of reality 11 different dimensions obviously we can’t
tune in or see
those 11 different dimensions
and if we from what we know like
about like radio waves
think about like
radio waves think
about how you know 971 is loud and clear
and all you have to do is turn that dial
and you’re on 1079 totally different
music loud and clear
it’s like there are
frequencies very specific
if that exists with something as intangible as
radio waves
how do we not assume that that
doesn’t work with reality as well maybe
maybe you know there’s
maybe there’s so many different
things that are
tuned in around us all the time they’re just
on a frequency
that we can’t detect and it
doesn’t interact with this frequency
but all this shit is
going on together and one big
just fucking
crazy cosmic soup
you know if that’s the case
shit anything’s possible man there
could be ghosts there
could be i mean what a ghost
could be is somehow or another the energy of the
experience of what happened
to them when they got murdered or something like that
you know cause it’s always like
horror stories
always it’s not
the guy had an awesome life and now he’s a
ghost it’s you
know someone got
fucking brutally
raped and murdered and then they roamed that
house maybe that
experience maybe the spiritual
horror and shock and terror is so powerful
that it actually
leaves like
you know when your monitor
gets frozen on a screen
and then it like stays on that image
there’s like the
ghost of that
image in the background
right you know what i mean
cause it got
just too much energy from that one position
it got locked into that one pattern
and so the the old
especially those old shitty
screens you
would eat art burn in you
would burn in an
image yep it’s very possible that an
image of someone
dying in an extremely
horrible way is actually burned into the world
but that said
i think most of us people are
completely fucking full of shit and they’re just
dumb they’re just in basements
fucking goggles on
why is it always gay guys and fat chicks
and shit you
know the same people that
would be into like goth music it’s
it’s the springer
breed it’s the cheater
breed it’s all
those shows it’s the same
breed you know
that’s a breed of human
well there’s
always people that are looking for something mysterious
you know that’s why i love
monster quest i got a little bit of that in myself
that like getting into like
fucking secret shit like dude you
think sasquatch is real
i mean i’ve gone so far as like read i’ve
probably read a
dozen books on sasquatch that’s how
stupid there’s no way it’s real
that might be but this is why it might be
there’s an animal called gigantopithicus that
lived in asia
and that animal
lived exactly
where the same
asians who came across the bering
strait and came
to american eventually became the native americans
that they came from the same place
so if this animal this big gigantic
eight foot tall biped
primate that actually lived
if that was in
north america if it came across the bearing
street with the people who’s to say it didn’t
that could live in the pacific
northwest like it
could actually
have seen it
by now no we would have
let me tell you something from living in the mountains
and from talking to people that live in the mountains
there’s so many mountain lions there’s so many bear
there’s so many
fucking animals out there and you rarely see them and
the thing is when you do see them you see live ones you
never find a dead one
it’s very rare
because the forest eats the fucking animals
and if you’re in a
place like the pacific northwest
if you fly over that area it’s so dense
like you don’t realize how vast the forest is
until you fly over there it’s
basically a rainforest
the pacific
northwest is incredibly
dense woods
where nobody goes
how about loch
ness i mean it’s all
stupid who cares
there’s fucking killer
whales in the
ocean they’re real they’re
super intelligent
they speak in dialects they save people
the only time they murder people is in captivity
those are real
things that are
fast killer
whales save people save people
yeah no killer was
killed but why do you
don’t care about the set
or the loch ness
monster just
wrote that off that
quickly fish it
doesn’t do shit so
this this guy
might just be a person that’s all guy that lives in
i’m not totally sold on bigfoot
i’m not sold i’m not saying i see a lot
on the exact same
level of bullshit you know i
feel like we would have
found them but
it’s possible that with the loch ness
monsters they think it might be a plyceace
or that somehow know
they got land locked but there’s not enough evidence
they’ve looked really hard they’ve done sonar
searches of the entire
ocean floor
or the entire lock
floor see it’s not like the woods
in oregon or something like that
where you really can’t get in there
it’s not like that
it’s just one specific body of water
so they can do a pretty thorough
job of looking
inside for anything big that swims
and if there’s a fucking
thing that’s been around
for a long time chances are there’s a family of them
you’d spot a few of them and they’re not spotting shit
they don’t find anything man
even though they get a blip
it’s probably a fucking
turtle farts or something like that
but it doesn’t interest me because it
doesn’t do anything
the primate
thing interests me because
the idea that this
thing could be
super intelligent
just like chimps and
avoid people you know
the congo okay
there’s an animal in the congo that
they’ve just recently discovered like recently being
they confirmed it in the
1990s it’s called the bondo ape
or the billy ape
and what this is is a gigantic chimpanzee
they’re much bigger than regular chimpanzees
like six feet tall
and they stand upright
and they have gray hair a lot of them have gray hair
and they fucking
sleep on the ground like gorillas
they don’t give a fuck nothing fucks with them
and there’s two types of chimps that the
the people that live in that that part of the jungle
they they call them
the regular ones are tree beaters
and lion killers
there’s tree beaters and line killers
and these guys were recently
in the congo filming this fucking
thing this is a bona
fide absolute real animal
they have dna
they have photographs they have
video they have
bones they have fur
samples they have all
these different
things that show that it’s some sort of a
some sort of a new species of chimpanzee
wow and it’s fucking living in the congo
they know where it is they know
where it is right now
but they didn’t fucking know
about this until
this wasn’t confirmed
until like the 90s like 94 i think
was when they all came to a consensus and said
hey this is a real animal we have a
giant chimp that
sleeps on the fucking ground
they have video of one eating a
jaguar okay
these fucking guys
came upon it and it was eating a jaguar
they don’t know if it killed the
jaguar or not but the
locals say they do
but what the fuck man
what the fuck
that’s a real
animal that’s a real animal that lives in the congo
it’s very possible that there
could be some super high
high intelligence
level primate that
survived just with a couple hundred of them in a very
small part of the woods
and they have amazing hearing and amazing
sense of smell
and they just
avoid humans because it’s too difficult to get to them
so they stayed tightly packed in
there’s plenty of fucking food if they’re vegetarians
in which they probably are
otherwise they
would be eaten people
you know yeah
sure right if they were
predators at all they
would be in people
and then we
would hear crazy stories
about them eating people
but everybody that sees them nobody gets
eaten in the middle of the
night nobody gets
their tent pulled
apart so most likely they like gorillas
gorillas are
too so they’re probably just a big fucking vegetarian
animal that lives in the woods it
doesn’t mean that exist
but it’s fucking possible
what was the animal that they thought
was the mermaid
and you’re like
how lonely were you when you thought that
this fucking
beast was a woman oh
what was that
i saw it in australia i can’t remember
the name of it i don’t even know it’s not a manatee
no it’s not manatee what is it
damn it i don’t know google
google that shit son
i don’t i’ve
never even heard this i have for
yeah it’s uh
there’s an actual animal that
they basically thought we’re mermaids like
those guys are
so desperate out there they’re looking for
chicks wherever they can find it
dude could you imagine
i mean look
we live in hollywood and i’m willing to fuck a rubber
pussy imagine how
horny those dudes be when the
brown boats for like six
months first time you fucked
pussy were you like i don’t know
about the rubber one you one you mean
the do you mean the
flashlight yeah
no i have no shame
just stuck on my dick and
squirt inside
it and that was it i was like wow i was pretty good
good dude you bust a
strong nut it was a manatee
strong is that a manatee yeah
i know it was a different name though i’ll find it out
yeah that’s how her
no it’s a different name
you sure yeah it’s not a manatee
sam tripoli
making shit up
caught them
ladies and gentlemen no way man
google that shit
what kind of
goes saying manatees
what kind of balls
those guys have to have that
lived in like
fucking england the one get on boats and go across the
ocean think
about that shit son look at a map
look at where the fucking continents are and
think about how fucking
crazy would have to be
to take a boat fill it up with enough food
to hopefully make it to the other side
yes you had to do
you wanna stuff that
bitch with food and ration
that shit off
and people would die
cause they didn’t get enough vitamin
c they get fucking scurvy and they’d rot away yeah it’s
crazy man and they just
throw them in the
water man do you hear about the
the pirate cook
no did you read that no
it was on the huffington post one of
these smiling pirate cooks
turned on all his
crew and he gave
all the hostages guns
well he’s feeding them
because you know they were getting abused
he was feeding them
and they started hearing the pirates talk
about harvesting
their organs
so he got them all like
guns and they
they attacked and killed all the pirates
now here’s what’s crazy is
no country will accept this pirate
they won’t accept them
so this guy who ratted
out his friends and gave them
the guns they won’t accept him well you say ratted or
saved some people
either one yeah well he just decided it was too much
yeah maybe he didn’t like them
maybe they were douchebags
maybe he’s a douchebag to the bro
you know and that
they were just douchebags as well they didn’t get along
you know it
might not be a
good guy bad guy situation well i did
save some people who are hostages
sure he did
but maybe because he hated
those other dudes this
already given
me not enough money
this motherfucker
showed them i flick
when you come back for the food
i give you gun
i give you gun you hide
the gun i like to
have a small
um pirate living
with me you don’t need a
pit bull or
alarm system yeah but
maybe he decides to kill you
fuck your girlfriend yeah
maybe duct tapes a pistol
inside your
mouth like fucks your
woman how about that
crazy shit dude that guy’s
living wild son that has a fucking pirate and pisses
all over the seat i bet
you know never
flushes yeah you a fuck you clean it
i’m not clean
you clean it
and that’s the whole
sound shribbly
clean my cock
clean my cock you
think i fuck with you now
you have to
clean his dick
he pisses and he makes you
clean his dick
you’ll be a cockhole
have a somali pilot
in your house
that’s like living with a wild man bro
they’re wild bro they don’t have any future
you live in somalia like what’s the future
they don’t give a fuck they’re
ready to die
you know they don’t give a fuck dude
they’re out jacking
ships they’re getting on
little row boats with machine guns and rocket launchers
and they’re
climbing on
board big giant
ships and jack and everybody
they are fucking loksters man
well that’s what they say about
terrorists who blow
themselves up it’s not really religion it’s more about
they just have nothing
going on there
there’s this book called
why do beautiful people have more
daughters it’s
an it’s about
evolutionary psychology
and they talk
about that it’s not really religion it’s more
about that these
i feel yeah
they have they have no chance to make
money and they have no chance of
meeting a woman
because they’re
so broken like all the rich guys get all the chicks
so it’s like
that’s why they get promised like hey you get all
these virgins and you get all this
stuff those are also the people
that you can get to doing something because they just
want to belong they want to be special they want to be
treated like they’re special
and you know when they’re getting someone
to become a suicide bomber if you ever look at like
the there’s a special
i don’t remember what show was on but they were in
somewhere in
the middle east and they had this
school and on the
school they had these
photographs of
these people that have
blown themselves
up and with all this religious writing on it
and there was a big sign
above the school that says
today’s children
are tomorrow’s holy martyrs
i’m like god damn
the attention that they give to
those children they make them out to be
heroes they make them out to be special that
so many people want people’s love and affection and
they want to be special so badly
they’re willing to do almost anything
yeah it’s crazy man
it’s like don’t you wish you go back in time and just
rewrite some of the religious books
take out all the asshole
you know it’s
like throughout time people have always bullshitted
other people to
control them i mean it’s so simple it’s so obvious it’s
existed forever what’s amazing though
is that the bullshit that worked like 2 000 years ago
still works
today just because it’s written you know
this is what it is
i mean it’s like
you know when you really get into it and you start
the reading about
women being treated as
second class
citizens condoning slavery condoning murder
all the crazy shit
that’s in religious texts
all the nutty shit
that people
still suck on it
2 000 years
later 3 000
years later
i always thought that religion was more like
just like early
science like people trying to explain just laying down
the law man it’s laying down the law and laying it down
who’s to stay i listen to you
because if you don’t god
strike you down
that’s what it is it’s like you
gotta keep dummies in line with crazy talk
and that crazy talk
spread and it became a good
way to keep social
order intact
keep people you know in
small towns man go to the church
everybody’s all
happy and friendly
and it makes everybody together you know
but if you look at like all
these people that are doing fucked up
things in the world you
know whether they’re suicide bombers or somali pirates
they come from somewhere that fucking sucks
and that’s what it all boils down to
their life fucking sucks
those somali pirates do you know the whole
story behind that why they became pirates
dude they call
themselves the people what do they call themselves
the volunteer
coast guard of somalia
that’s what they call themselves
and what happened was
european ships and
companies and i believe some americans too
were dumping
waste into their waters
and fucking up
their fishing man and
they found out
about this because
their fish were dying
and what they did
was kidnap a boat
that was illegally
trespassing through
their waters
and they demanded
a ransom because this was one of the boats that was
polluting their waters
and these guys
were fishermen man they were fishermen that had
their livelihoods fucked up and
taken away from them
so they turned to
crime and they started
jacking people because they got so much from the
first boat they just turned it into a business
and now they just jack people constantly
dudes are getting jacked all the time man
there are hundreds of
miles out to sea
just looking for people man
what do you
think about
the 16 year old girl that’s my
whole point
about saying her around the
world it’s like oh my god man when you
leave america
it’s a whole different game to women 16
year old girls parents are so foolish
that’s so foolish
there’s one
thing to let some
experience something
there’s another
thing to put someone out in the wild just to
get a what are you
gonna get a
rush out of the fact that you made it across
you did something that
could kill you
what other benefit is it
and then where
to go so difficult
and you did it
she’s amazing
she did something
you did something that i can do in a
plane stupid i
can get in a
plane and i
could be across that
ocean in 10 hours
why the fuck would you
spend five weeks
in a sailboat that’s retarded
that’s not a
smart way to approach
because that’s a hell of a facebook
status that’s why you know that’s all she’s
thinking about is like dude oh my god i’m totally
gonna do it it’s
gonna be so cool
and where do you go from there i mean you’re 16
keep going sail around the
world what do you do next
fucking guys over
i sailed around the
world whatever
you want to get with this well
she wants to get with this
she wants you to
treat her as
she’s special she’s doing something special
people are crazy
they’re nuts it’s a
crazy fucking i got a
fried chicken san
diego over that
she’s like would you send
a 16 year old boy i’m like before a 16 year old girl
yes i would
send a 16 year old boy before a 16 year old girl but i
wouldn’t send a 16 year old
boy me neither
but if a boy that i love my boy that i raised
i’m gonna put him in harm’s way
i would tell him listen man i don’t
wanna be alone
in the woods
if you wanna do something scary
let’s get you involved in some competition okay
you wanna fucking
wrestle in high school you
wanna do some boxing some kickboxing or something
crazy you wanna
fight some mma
fights you wanna do something
crazy let’s do something that we can control
you know i’m
gonna put you
in the fucking ocean
that’s nuts
all right i
understand the
rising above
like accomplishing
crazy things
doing things that appear to be impossible
they give you more of an
of yourself they don’t just give you this rush
they give you an
of what you’re capable of they give you more
confidence they give you more
you get a sense of what you’re capable of performing
what you’re capable of doing
under pressure
makes you more
there’s a quote that i read once
about taekwondo
fighting and competing in taekwondo
it elevates your
human potential you know
it gives you
you have more
potential because you’ve already experienced
harder more difficult
things that’s all well and good i
understand that
but fucking putting yourself in the ocean
and putting yourself in a position
where look there
could be some
shit happen to you that you have no way of escaping
there’s no way getting it out
you’re gonna get a nice thrill
because you’re
gonna put your life in danger
but the reality is
you’re just getting from one
place to another
that’s all you’re doing yep you’re doing it old
school you’re just getting from one
place to another old
school yeah
that’s all you’re doing
you know it’s so
stupid it’s like
if someone chose to walk across
america and they starve to
death along the way
should we feel bad for them
what the fuck are you doing
what is southwest in new york it’s like fucking 300
bucks i mean come on man really you’re
gonna walk across the country
completely agree with you
fucking asshole this is
crazy parents
i mean you gotta push your kids to a
point you have to push your kids
you know people don’t
push your kids
well i mean you
gotta like i
think you give them some discipline
but you teach them that with risk and with work
become satisfaction you get to achieve something
and that’s satisfying and it makes you
understand and
appreciate yourself better
makes you understand people better
makes you function better
it’s like lifting weights
you lift weights
you get stronger
okay you get
stronger you can pick
things up easier it’s that simple
when life you take on difficult tasks
you take on
difficult things that
cause you to think
cause your mind to spin
cause you to
react quickly
cause you to make good choices
that elevates your
human potential
it’s really that simple
nope i agree people that don’t do shit man oh your
phone motherfucker
my that shit
course it is you got it on your laptop i saw you
but we all have mics
yeah but your shit is
on your computer you don’t
still hear it that’s a phantom sound son
phantom phantom
speaking of
phones tomorrow iphone
have you guys been
watching looking at
the reviews
the reviews are
yeah 4g i’m scared
the reviews are fucking amazing man
i’m thinking at amp
t’s service is
going to hit an all time shitty low
hopefully not but you know one of the cool
things that all the reviews are saying is how
great the video calling works
and like it’s just perfect like
it works you got
video you could
switch from
front to back cam so like if you’re talking to me
and you go oh my god look this guy he’s
doing this you know and it will
switch to the
front of the camera
apple is the future it is
just crazy they’re masters at marketing
their masters are getting people
excited about
their products yeah
well i am i mean
the phones what
what else do you use most
every day so
are you gonna buy the
first one you know not to buy the
first one what are you
talking about
the fourth one
yeah i mean you’re
gonna buy like
right out the gate and then two weeks
later it’s gonna be like half
price by that
logic you should
never buy anything
just wait the iphones don’t
silly the iphones don’t change
price at all
like throughout the
whole year it’s usually almost exactly so what was that
whole thing that they went
crazy about
i think yeah it was the iphone
where like all
these guys wait
in line they bought it for like a gazillion dollars
the first iphone i
think the first iphone
later it was half
price they flipped out yeah when it
first came out
for the price
when the first iphone came out it was 100 more
and then they
dropped it 100 dollars and they
gave everyone 100 dollars back didn’t they recently
lower the price of the 3g
well they’re always doing that because they’re
still selling that they’re
still selling the second
generation wine
for like 49
bucks or something like that shazam son
no but don’t you
gotta get the new shit yeah you
got this things
this is a new shit
i just wait
till it drops a
little sam trip
frugal shopper
yeah i’m pablo
escobar son i
gotta i gotta
sell you a super vhs
speaking of frugal
shoppers did you guys hear
about that fucking federal
judge that blocked the
obama oh yeah
to put a moratorium
he was trying to put a moratorium on offshore drilling
so uh this federal
judge drops it you know
he won’t he
blocks the moratorium
and everybody’s
like what the fuck who’s this guy this guy’s
crazy the obama
says he wants to stop oil
drilling there’s a
giant fucking hole
where oil’s leaking out of the
ocean and we’re like hey
we might have a fucking problem here we
gotta make sure this doesn’t
have water dude
ruining the
ocean for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of
miles anyway
turns out this federal
judge has stock
in the company
in transocean
he has stock in five different companies
that are involved in the oil
filling business wow
this motherfucker
can literally profit from
his own decisions how
crazy is that they
should not be allowed to do this they
should not be allowed to have money
exactly if that guy
if that guy was on the case they
should have said i
you know we see that you have stock
in this company that
could you know and your decisions
could adversely
affect you financially so
we’re gonna remove you from this case i mean
that’s what
that’s how it’s like with
everything though like if you like win a
prize wait are
you do you work for nbc or any if it’s affiliates
you know that’s how like
everything always is with everyone else
except the president
is not is voided for him
it’s so weird man how
these guys have this detach
they’re detached
from like just
humanity you
know what i’m saying
it’s just straight evil anybody
that would think that the oil business knows exactly
what they’re doing and that this couldn’t happen
again is crazy
just because it’s only happened a few times in history
doesn’t mean that
these things aren’t deteriorating at a
rapid pace and that
the ones that have been around for a long time
we don’t know how long they’re
gonna last i think
things happen
things fuck up
the whole there’s other
wells out there that are
built like this one yeah that’s what they say
the whole deregulation
thing it’s so
ridiculous the
market needs deregulation it’s like
it makes no sense
that’s like saying we
don’t need laws because we’ll just regulate each other
you know we get
crazy too and say like you know we need to
lower the price of
labor to compete we have to go to
china we have to go to
what the fuck are you talking we don’t
have to at all no you don’t have to at all you just
gotta stop being such
greedy cunts that’s it
yeah you’re
gonna get less profit
but you’re gonna get a fucking
what you’re
selling is a product that’s not made on people
people’s fucking souls
you know you’re
gonna sell a product that’s not
you know poor people that live in a fucking village in
china and then they have to like that
was it foxcon that we talk
about all the time yeah
it’s fucking
company that makes iphone parts and shit dude they got
people killing themselves left and
right over there
left and right
they’re literally shutting down all their
plants because
there’s so many suicides and there’s so much scandal
these people are working
like god knows how many
hours a day they’re living on the site you know
that’s what companies are doing man
companies are
going to people like that
that’s the iphone 2 by
the way walmart’s the
worst dude that company makes the iphone yeah i know
yeah or at least parts of the iphone
walmart’s the
worst yeah man because they go
they’re like
i don’t believe that
i don’t believe that hype at all
i think walmart does a lot
like you either can see the
point of yeah walmart
comes in and they
fucking don’t pay anything
but i also see a walmart’s fucking
striving for jobs and i like
going to these towns really disagree really
yeah it’s like
first of all what they do is
they they keep driving down the
price of everything so eventually
these people
who produce the goods they buy
are gonna have to almost go to
slave labor
i think it’s either or i don’t
think either
one of you guys is
right i think
they’re both right
but what walmart does is it comes in
to a community
and it basically has the lowest prices
right so puts mom and pop store mom
pops and all this stuff out
then do seems like a good idea and they don’t pay
a real good wage to work there to what go to walmart
that person makes six
bucks and all
the other jobs are gone you
gotta go work
but before that
before that there was no jobs that that didn’t
exist those
three hundred jobs
away a blacksmith goes out of business
right here but you know what the big
thing is that retails dead no matter what so walmart
could be doing
all they want to
but guess what walmart
ain’t as cheap as fucking amazon and amazon
and amazon is not is fucking growing like a
monster i buy
groceries now on amazon i’m buying coconut
water by the case you know i don’t even need to
a costco member
or any of that because they sell the same shit now
you don’t have to be a costco you
know they delivered to your
house they deliver
right to your
house and you
could put it on
schedule like i want this
every two weeks
you know automatically ship
going somewhere
and buying something helps your community
would you do that
to a point but i’m also not gonna pay
three hundred dollars more for a fucking tv you know
i’m like sorry
yeah fucking
think of what’s
next in your job career if you can’t sell this tv
cheaper than
this person
i’m not gonna buy it that’s what
simple here’s i don’t
think that people have an
obligation to be able to continue to sell you things
i think if something comes
along that can sell
things for much
cheaper and they’re the same quality
if it’s the same product
exactly i mean i’m
loyal to friends and
there’s a couple
businesses that i support that i know charge more
than they probably
should for things like our pot doctor
but i don’t care you know it’s just like i have
a sense of loyalty to them
i’ve got some discretionary income if you don’t man
300 bucks is a lot of fucking
money why would you pay three and
that was being
generous that’s
plus no tax
plus free ship
no i was in the
state palace
about that but
just can’t get
the kind of deals that walmart can you know
tough shit man
i think it’s either or
i can see both
points of view i see
brian’s point of view
where it helps communities
it brings in jobs and shit but i can see your
point of view that it’s like well you know
giving these people this mediocre life and they fucking
they don’t really
save jobs because they put some businesses under
it’s okay man it’s all just change
it’s just normal
you know there’s
no good or bad see some people just aren’t meant
to be doctors and lawyers and when you take away all
their opportunities to like
build stuff
and say what else is there to do is that true though
no you don’t you just have to offer a service that
other people aren’t offering
for less it’s not
you can’t just you have to figure it out you
have to figure it out
whatever you’re doing
if walmart can get it
cheaper you have to figure out either how you
could get it
cheap or i have a service
that walmart
doesn’t want to
attach also
my family’s been in this fucking business
for thirty fucking years
if you say it’s
okay for walmart to come into our fucking town
where we grew up
you don’t own the town you don’t own a
patch of dirt you don’t own
the right i
understand what
you’re saying
about that but
it goes back to like everybody’s like
capitalism and free
enterprise well
this isn’t what it was like 200 years ago
you know when
everything started to yeah
we’ll do 50
because it was
bomb and pops now you got like these
huge corporations like
when the supreme
court says that a huge corporation
is like an individual well they’re not
they got a gazillion billion dollars behind them it’s
you’re talking about for
campaign comp
contributions but instead
even in the
market though you’re like well
find a way to
sell for less than
walmart well you
never can because they buy in such huge
bulk yeah but that’s
not even it i was saying you either have to do that
or you have to find a
new service that walmart
doesn’t offer
like if you’re selling
phones i will
sell you the same
phone it’s going to be a little bit more but
guess what i’m
going to be coming
to you know
tech support giving you this i’m gonna
i’m gonna you know anytime you need get a new computer
bring it in
and i’ll fucking transfer all your contacts over
you know fucking walmart ain’t
gonna do that shit
you gotta change
with the times you gotta
you know what i mean these
stores that like i went in the
other day to like this
store and they i bought a webcam
just because the
one at best buy
they were sold out
so i just like all
right i’ll go to this little mom and pop
store and they had like
an old version of the webcam
it was busty
you know i’m like i’m just sitting here
going like this is an old product that
fuck it’s the same
price as the new product at best buy but
you know i didn’t want to even buy it because
they can’t even turn in a product
to where their shit they’re selling is
it’s not current shit
and so i’m like that’s a problem
it’s not walmart’s
fault it’s the
change of times it’s amazon it’s all this
and if you think you’re
gonna have a retail
store in today’s times you got to really fucking
start using your brain
because you need to offer servers that fucking i can’t
amazon’s just
gonna kill you regardless
and then we’re not even care
about walmart
amazon’s gonna kill walmart eventually
you know big corporations
aren’t killing all businesses you’re always
gonna have like restaurants that are
great restaurants
cause you know
the cook is awesome and he’s always got interesting
stuff to eat there
you’re not gonna get that from some fucking
chain you know some corporate
chain you’re
gonna get like
there’s going to be
places that you’re always
going to want to go to that have personality
to them that have flair that offer a certain
environment or ambience but
as long as the way things are
continuing to go the way they’re
going there’s so many fucking people in this
world there’s so many people
these corporations get so big because of that there’s
so many people to plunder
there’s so much to go
after it doesn’t seem like that’s a
trend that’s
going to stop
i don’t see
the idea of us
going into little
small groups
and businesses and goods being distributed like that
it’s just gonna continue to get bigger and bigger
what do you
think of that
woman who has like 25 kids
which one is that she
should be shot is that on that tv show
no there’s a what
there’s one on
the tv show the family that
i was like 21
plus 21 or something
something like that well
i think that lady
adopted this
woman’s literally gave
birth no that lady
gave birth the lady on the tv show has
really like
super religious
whole family families
really cheesy
on a rigid schedule
how many serial killers do you
think are in that family none
none none yeah
they’re all friendly they’re all
happy they’re all looking at a
sense of community they have her down to a science i
think serial
killers come from loneliness and abandonment and
this is religious
these people aren’t abused
they seem happy
you know i mean
they’re a little
looney with the religion but they
might have hot sex origins we don’t even know
about it but
you think they
should have
25s and sisters
how dare you
do you think they
should like why
do we need 25 of them you know what man here’s my deal
way better to have 25 people that are nice and happy
than 25 people that are all
fucked up and strung out on drugs and fucking angry and
shooting people and whatever
those people on that show i
watched that show i
watched their kids
they might be all
ate up with the jesus
so you know what they’re fucking
happy they’re good people
yeah that whole
jesus thing man is good for a lot of
folks it’s very
oh yeah man
whether or not you want to question it
whether or not you want to be objective
about the source of
all the stories that are in the
bible and whatever
the bottom line is most christians
are trying to be nice people
yeah that’s what it’s all
about it’s a good
thing imagine them without religion
crazy i’ve said
stuff like that before and people
think i’m bullshitting and i’m you know
patronizing people but i’m not
i think religion
for a lot of people is a good
thing the idea behind it is all a good thing
it’s just believing
that you’ve got the fucking answers because you’ve
committed to it
that’s where the problem comes in
the problem is when people get
aggressive with
their commitment
they have a commitment
you know i took
jesus christ my personal savior
how about the fucking guy that we’re talking
about him last week that went to
he’s in afghanistan
right now looking for osama
bin laden they arrested him
52 fucking years old
on dialysis
this looney tune
saving up all his money
and one of the reasons why he’s
going over there to kill
osam bin laden
is because he said bad
things about our god
dude dude where are your friends
i just i don’t
trust anyone who’s
two into anything
i don’t care what it is well even if you i walk
in and saw jesus christ
or brett favre
or whatever
yeah you know i’m like okay you’re fucking shady dude
that’s so true
people that are fucking obsessed with anything
everything in moderation you
could be obsessed with fucking
checkers man you can get obsessed with darts
you can get obsessed with anything and it
could become your whole world
you know and if you get obsessed with
jesus and you want everybody to believe in jesus
you believe in jesus so you fucking
wanna run up to people on the
street and hand them books and shit and
i tell him god
have you ever seen the movie king of kong
yes i know i heard it’s awesome though
pretty good they’re obsessed with
video games it’s
great dude dude
those people exist
that’s so weird these are
real people i used to be a part of a quake clan
and i guess i still am you know you’re in it for life
but clan extreme
detriment i used to play eight hours a day
i got a t1 line installed in my
house back when there was nothing else
well you can’t get
cable in my neighborhood
you can get isdn which is only like what is that
124 k or something like that not 100
what is it what’s
54 yeah i never got into that like twice 56 k
120 k something like that i think that’s what is dn is
maybe 140 and
it wasn’t enough
you’re ping your latency between service was too high
so when you
would play there’d be a lag it sucked
so i had a fucking
t1 line installed in my house
a business line it was like a thousand dollars a month
just so that i could play
quake online
cause i was playing
every day do you see
this new pain ray that the us is testing in afghanistan
i heard about it it’s like this big fucking like
laser it shoots out
like a microwave and it just makes you feel really hot
it’s gonna be like a
non lethal way for like
crowd control they’re just
gonna start frying
you with microwave oh yeah
they talked
about that in like
sixty minutes it was so interesting
cause they were like you know
they were demonstrating it and the people they were
using on where people were like
no war they had the no war
sign i’m like
that’s who you’re
gonna use it on
like they were holding those
sides i’m like that is
crazy dude yeah
oh my god i
guess they’re not using it
right now they just have it over there just in case
they wanna use it
you know they were looking
actively at the beginning of the iraq war i read a
story online
about coming up with some sort of a weapon
to make men have gay feelings for each
other yeah they were
turned on the iraqi troops
when we invaded iraq
they were gonna somehow another come
up with some sort of a weapon like they fucking spent
money on this you know in afghanistan they have man
loved thursdays
i’ve heard of that yeah
yeah i’ve heard that there’s a lot of gay sex
going on over there really yeah
in afghanistan
they think women
are for reproduction men are for pleasure and
every thursday
they go into the mountains
and they just ass
blast each other
who has a comic a
comic has a
funny bit about that man
who the fuck is i don’t know but that’s
awful somebody went over
to afghanistan and actually saw some guys fucking each
other well it’s a
slay your gang
is well it’s like i was talking to some
troops wanted to do
usa over there and
you know they were
training the afghani
troops and like within
their troop they had a boy there in the
group whose
whole job was
was to pleasure the guys and they
they had to tell the
troops not to say anything because that’s
their custom
and not to get involved with
that stuff your
royal penis is
clean god damn
i don’t even know why we’re
fighting over
there man you go over there like this is a shit hole
yeah we should just do
do you not hear what they just discovered
they discovered
over one trillion
dollars in mineral reserves we’re
never previously unknown
mineral reserves in afghanistan oh look we
didn’t even know it was here wow
crazy well since we’re here
might as well
start pulling this shit out of the ground yep shit’s
gonna change son we’re
never leaving
dude let me tell you something afghanistan is
gonna be like dubai
in 20 years okay
we’re gonna have
taken over the
whole fucking country it’s
gonna be democratized
and they’ll have
two million mile high
buildings okay
there’s a fucking
trillion dollars
worth of minerals there
that’s going to be this
crazy mining town
it’s just like how
we need gold
these minerals we need for
making semiconductors and all kinds of
other shit that
we use things for to construct
stuff you know
especially high tech
stuff we use a lot of minerals it’s like
trillion dollars
worth of stuff
that’s a thousand billion
it’s a lot of fun
dude shits gonna i
used to do a joke
about the only person who
could run iraq is
magic johnson
because you
know he made like almost a billion dollars in like
just redoing like
apartments and all that
stuff and like
you know give him like two weeks fucking
bag dad would look like fucking orange county
and whoever you put in charge in there they’re
gonna try to assassinate
anyways and you know we all know you can’t kill
magic johnson
somebody tried
that’s funny
yeah it’s been a while
since i did that joke i couldn’t remember how it went
cia planned to bomb iraq with saddam’s gay
video oh that’s different
they were gonna make a fake gay
video that’s
funny the cia
did photoshop
could you imagine
like auditioning for that
the us army
alright soldier
we need you to take down your
pants and fuck this guy yeah what do they do they must
kill you afterwards
if they’re gonna make a fucking fake
saddam hussein
video they can’t let you go
if you’re the
type of person that’s willing to make a fake gay
saddam hussein
video they can’t
trust you to keep your fucking
mouth shut that the government paid you they’re
gonna kill you man
well unless they kind of like
hey you know we let you in
you just need to like don’t ask don’t tell but
we have a special program you know over
what you get to be a soldier
yeah lucky you you get shot at
every point you
suck cock on video
what a fucking gift
listen man i
think they probably kill you
i think they probably say listen we’re
gonna do some gay porn it’s
gonna be crazy
it’s we’re gonna pretend it’s osama
bin laden or saddam
hussein or whatever
i bet this guy
doesn’t even know he’s doing it for the military
i think she’s doing yeah they just
have to find some
gay persian looking good then they
shoot everybody in the fucking head and
throw them in the ocean
and they just disappeared no one ever hears about
it that’s fucking
not they fucking surrounds zanku chicken
alright everybody out
you know this
general that just stepped up and said all kinds of
crazy shit about
obama you know
beatrice i think
i don’t know what the fuck his name is he
um they just
made him resign
so he resigned it turns out this is the same guy
that signed off on the pat tillman
story he was trying to get everybody to believe
that pat tillman was
died by the you know
fighting the
enemy when actually
was killed by friendly fire same fucking
dude he’s an asshole he’s like he goes over there
basically tells the
troops this is
going like shit
it’s like you’re the guy who came up with the plan
who are you blaming
there’s a lot
of speculation i was listening to opie and anthony
today and people were calling and talking
about it and they were saying that they
think that he
might have tried to
he wanted to
leave and he
this was the way he
could not just leave but
leave and get his
point across
you know that he
calculated this
and did it on purpose so he made this big like
statement about them because he knew it was
gonna be in rolling stone
and then he gets
fired right or
gets forced to resign but then this
issue whatever he said gets out there across the
whole world because the fact that he opened his
mouth and in rolling
stone and that they reacted and that they fired him
this becomes
an issue that people want to hear more about
so then he gets a fucking book deal
and you get a book deal for several million dollars
if you’re fucking
smart oh he’ll be on fox news
if it’s legal
i don’t know what the
legality is as far as like what you’re allowed to talk
about when you’re allowed to talk
about it when you’re a high
level military guy you know in the united
states army like he is
but i would
think that that
would be a fucking
smooth move you know
what do you
think i mean
why just fucking quit you don’t like it you don’t like
obama why quit
why not just make a stink
yeah make a
stink everybody knows you made a
stink write a book bam son you know
just need a little fame baby keep that ball rolling
well i mean look at
sarah palin
she’s exactly i was just
gonna say that
still in the game son
that fucking
election was two years ago she was retarded then she’s
still in the mix
making millions
making bank
they’re doing some
crazy reality shows
series on hers like
eight episodes for a million dollars a pop
that’s why she got out she’s waking that
money in son
breaking them
stay in alaska
dude there is
money in keeping the retards
happy she is the politics version of pro wrestling
if you go to watch pro wrestling
there are thousands of people in those
stands and they’re having a good fucking time okay
that bitch is the
she’s a female politician version of a pro wrestler
she says a bunch of retarded shit that only retards
agree with she riles
them up they
don’t even know what she likes they know what she
stands for she
stands for someone who’s not
gonna think too much
she stands for someone who’s
gonna give basic
values we’re just
gonna get down on
how’s that whole
hopi changing
thing working out for you
you know she she
prides herself on being goofy
and people like that shit they connect to it and
you’re always
gonna have that man
you’re always
gonna have that yep you’re always
gonna have someone steps up like that
you’re always
going to have someone
all you have to do is just get yourself into the
zeitgeist get people to
start thinking about you
and then keep
going and you can make a living
off of it man they’re fucking professional trolls
you know crazy
tell me ann coulter’s not a professional troll
right did i saw
on tv i want the boner dude did you really yeah she’s
actually looking pretty hot oh sam tripley how long
what i want to fuck
the hate right out of her no you need to
start drinking again
you’re getting beer goggles without fucking drinking
that’s what i’ve heard
this is incredible this really is true
sex bomb those who complained the military
should make love
not war may be
happy to know that at
least on one occasion the military scientists
were searching for ways to
break down the enemy with aching desire
a sex bomb or in saucier headlines the gay bomb
scientists consider developing a chemical weapon
with aphrodisiac qualities that
would make the enemy soldiers hopelessly
physically attracted to one another
as to paralyze
their ranks and destroy morale
isn’t that incredible yeah but actually
scientists was
there like some eighteen year old guy from high school
i’m a scientist
i’m gonna make some gay bombs out there you know
gay bombs sure bro
that’s what the pentagon
hires it’s not
like they have access to the best side i know but they
just said they talked
about it they didn’t
actually do anything listen to you man you don’t even
wanna believe
i believe they actually
tried i do i believe i
don’t put it past the pentagon
but i also find it like
if they even were thinking
about that they
probably just said
we could make a bomb
maybe it’s gay
alright that’s cool they’re saying aphrodisiac
right when they were together with men
there was only men around they
wouldn’t be able to help themselves that’s the idea
right i fucking
you know look man
if you break down what
sexual desire is there
must be some sort of a
trigger in our
brains for sexual desire you know
whatever it is some sort of a chemical trigger
if they can
mimic that and find a way to get it into people
you know blast it
out in a haze and you inhale it as you breathe and all
sudden you can the
first thing they
would do though is
sell it the
first thing they
would do though is sell it
you know they
would be making
money out that like oil right why
would they sell that be like the newest porn ever
why would they sell it when they can make x amount of
money from it
when they could use it and take over
countries they
could take over and
tie it to fucking
countries okay
and why would you sell it because if you sold it then
other people
would have access to it
if you’re gonna use it if the military is
gonna use it
the military is not
gonna turn into some sort of
a vendor start selling some product
and have late
night commercials did you ever hear the theory that
the samurais
where gays fuck
gays fuck and then
that’s why they
fought so hard that’s why i got a samurai
tattoo on my arm son respect
so gay that’s why
ninjas don’t talk because they have so much cum in
their mouth
that’s why pirates why pirates
dress for ambiently
for ambiently
you know the word they’re all gay stop playing son
yeah that’s a little vikings
who the fuck else was wearing earrings and shit
back then big
sashes and fucking
pirates were
super gay yeah
pirates super gay
lambo and six
shirts we’re not
taught vikings and pirates aren’t the same
thing sam trip
they’re both
on both vikings are nordic warriors they’re not gay
they’re fucking
savages they
that’s why nordic
chicks are so hot
because they
raped and pillaged all the best ones they took
everything they
could find just
pure alpha male arctic lust
big fucking
white dicks of death
just plundering and raping across the world
big difference between that and pirates bro
pirates are sucking dick and wearing
sashes they got
crazy fucking patches over their eyes
rainbow birds they got shot
yeah they got birds rainbow what
kind of bird
look at that pirates are associated with parrots
what kind of a dude walks around with a parrot on
shoulder a gay guy for sure
if you see a dude with a parrot
on his shoulder
he’s something’s happened to him yeah you know
maybe a dude
made him jerk him off once and he’s fucking
frozen i can’t
stand a patches
and i hate guys to do
magic tricks at
house parties
ooh yeah that’s rough yeah
if this went
to the best
house party there
today south park had a house
party and i went to it it was amazing dude
you have not been to a party
until you’ve been to one of these
south park parties you ever been to one joe oh no
no oh dude they probably spent like
maybe 10 000
on just decorations
like you walk in and you felt like you were in
mulan rouge
like a circus
or something like that they had fucking like
shooting galleries
like a carnival and
stuff those guys really have it done
they’re doing it
right those
south park guys
everything they do i love
every time they put something out i love before
south america
the movie south park
they were opening for tool
what dvd a they
would run the cartoon before tool came out oh
really oh you’re talking
about the brian boytano one
right yeah yeah the
brian boytano one was the
first someone gave me that on the christmas
tape back when i was living in fucking
i was living in encino
i was like god damn this is funny shit
and then it became a show but
every one of
them do you have that vhs tape because you
could probably ebay that i
might dollar dollar bill
i might have it dollar
dollar bills y’all i got a
stack of old
vhs tapes that may or may not be
i found a few of them the
other day but
like you know what all this shit is online
somewhere they sent it out as a christmas card through
like paramount
or something like that
and so not many people got that vhs tape so
i fucking love the
south park movie
that was just genius
shit team america is my favorite all time
movie of all time i think yeah
my favorite one of my funniest
the funniest
movie i’ve ever seen for sure
but the thing about
south park was when saddam was saying when they had
saddam was saying being gay with the devil
and remember he had a big rubber dick and
so dumb do you
remember how
funny that show was dude i saw that
movie in a theater full of mexicans
and when they called god the biggest
bitch of them all
you just felt the room energy turned
yeah they got mad
oh yeah you get
that hilarious
what they did to muhammad
you need to get camp
when i was at
that party for a brief
second i’m like
oh yeah there
might be a bomb here
yeah how funny is that man people are threatening
their lives
they really were
worried about that
people were threatening
their lives because they were making fun of muhammad
aren’t they
saying that the times square guy was something yeah
the times square guy
sounds like he’s retarded
you know we talk to people that know bombs and
understand construction of bombs and like this
could have never worked like
you know a bunch of
things work exactly perfect in
order he didn’t have any
experience doing it
set it up wrong
you know they’re like this is all
wrong so he seems like it’s just a fucking retard
they had over
there disenfranchised god losing his
house you know that kind of a guy
and you know just wants wants something
to connect themselves to something significant
so he decides it’s
gonna be a martyr
and you know
like when they
came up to on the plane he
asked them if they were fbi or cia
he asked them what they were new york police
new york police or cia or fbi what are you
he wanted to
know he wanted to know who he was getting arrested by
he said he wanted to get fucking caught
he’s a dumbass so it
i think there are
groups out there that are
trying to do fucked up shit to americans for sure they
definitely are
but the thing is the dudes who are joining
these things they’re fucking mess man yeah they’re
idiots there
they’re either
idiots or they’re
all fucked up or
nobody signing
up to do this shit if they got it all together you know
the key to making the
world safe is not killing all the fucked up people
it’s making sure the people coming up get it together
do your best to make sure there’s plenty
of cool people do your best
to make sure
that kids are raised correctly that you set up good
schools and community centers and do
things to try to
enhance the lives
of children to make them grow up to be more positive
people that’s the only way to fix them how are you
gonna do that when they
just keep pulling
money out of education i mean it’s like
you know there’s not
enough incentive to them they’re rich rich people put
their kids in private
schools so they
look at you know the situation like this
other people’s problem fuck them
you know but it’s your problem too man if
those kids grow
up and they’re disenfranchised and fucking dangerous
you know if your children have to come in contact
with you know
but you go to like
places like australia canada
where it’s like one
group of people they seem to be more like a
group do you know what i’m saying the
working together
and i love the
diversity of america but i wonder if that plays in the
you know it’s kind of
where i was talking on the phone
like when you
said you like all the
savages and all that stuff yeah
sam and i on the way over here we were talking
about why america we were talking
about how great canada is and
every time we go up to canada
which i just got back i was just this weekend i was in
three stops in canada i was in
grand prairie
i was in saskatoon
and then i was in saskatoon
grand prairie and then winnipeg had a
great fucking time man
shows were so much fun i fucking love canada fucking
awesome up there man montreal
was awesome
it’s just like there’s something
about these people that are so nice it’s such a
a great like
there’s so much like on the whole
so much friendlier and
more relaxed than americans you look in
their eyes you don’t see darkness you see rainbows well
there’s douchebags
i mean there’s douchebags
everywhere i
had a lot of douchebags in winnipeg a lot of hecklers
but they’re just
drunk and retarded that’s part of life
whatever you did just made the
static come back
i just moved we got a rinky dink
system here son yeah
i shut my mic off and it’s doing it man
so it can’t be
so try to figure
out what this is it’s something over there
cause it was fine and then you moved that
stand out as a
stand touching a middle
okay try to get comfortable look what you
did it’s almost near the end anyway it
doesn’t matter yeah but wait a
minute we can’t just keep talking like this bro we
started it four fifteen we got fifteen more minutes
don’t turn my
volume down
i’m just saying can’t hear my beautiful voice haha
don’t be fucking with me son
it’s something i do
unplug and replug yeah
unplugging unplug
what you do bro
there’s nothing
over there there’s nothing over there don’t
touch anything over there no no
no don’t it’s not don’t cross
streams yeah
it’s something over in that mic
stand or your mic because the only
thing you did is you
touch the mic
stand and it turned back there’s move all just move
it’s like some kind of
don’t know ricky dink
fucking bullshit
if i was listening to this on an ipod i’d be pissed
right now come on we
gotta fix it
hey take take take the mic out of the
stand turn off
the mic so you don’t hit blow everyone’s ears
unplug it and hit the mic
stand on the ground
not too hard or no the mic
no cause it’s unplugged
you unplugged it
so now i’ll take the mic though and
hit it on the ground tap it on the ground see it’s back
it’s the mic
what why would i tap them no no no the mic
you know what i mean like if it’s a
loose connection or something
so it’s like blowing into the nintendo disc
you know i believe it’s something to do with the mic
or the cable that the mic is
god damn it
how’s it connecting
it’s just going right here unplug it over
there i did already
what you put me in another hole
put me in another hole over there
cause it’s not that it’s it has something to it
oh wait there
wait no there’s just no sound
is that one there we go no no same
time crackle
see it’s something on that side
where the mic is there okay let’s ignore it
because this
is annoying as fuck you’re listening to this shit
these fucking faggots just talked
about the sound buzz for
30 seconds and i don’t
think they can hear it only we can hear it because
it’s because
i can’t hear that much
because the compression
through u string probably blocks out that
that yeah with the itunes people
gonna hear the shit out yeah i’ll try to fix it
sorry folks
very interesting
well you were talking about savages
yeah we were talking
about this is what sam triple and i were talking
about on the way over here we were talking
about why is america so
aggressive and we’re saying well
you think about it just
the people that came to
america are the people that were so fed up with europe
they were so ambitious that they got on a fucking boat
and sailed across
oceans to get over here yeah
they put themselves
through serious partnership they’re the most
aggressive of the aggressive
and once they got here you know they were desperado
and a lot of them got here during the depression
or before the
depression you know
a lot of them got here back then and
those fucking people
the people who grew up in the depression
they had a fuck they were fucking hard people man
those were hard hard times
you hear stories
about soup lines and
whole families being outside and
you see some of the
photos from the
depression era
that was scary
scary shit for people
so those people grew up hard and they grew up
aggressive and
those are the
ones that stayed and they had kids and then
they had kids and that fucking aggressive
aggressive attitude of survival it’s
still there you know
and then that’s one of the reasons why we’ve talked
about this before
about california is so weird
is because all
the people that were dissatisfied with the east coast
they all slowly made
their way further
and further and further and further west
and you mix
them with people just want theme and they know the most
aggressive the
aggressive ellie’s
gotta be the
freakiest fucking
place to live ever
i think it’s
gotta be like hollywood
wall street and then
washington dc
did you see the
did you see the the laker game
thing where they were
lighting the cars on fire
after it was over yeah they’re crazy
so angry about that
and it wasn’t even
like a cop car or a government car it was a fucking cab
and you know what
but i’m not
gonna go there
never mind go
where man look
they’re fucking retarded
doesn’t matter what
ethnicity they’re from anybody does that’s an idiot
and like i said before why are they
idiots why they because they were raised by
idiots for sure
they’re not doing that because that’s you know
human nature
they’re doing it because
they’re they’re born to a fucked up situation with a
ton of struggle by a
bunch of people that can’t cope and
doesn’t don’t balance things
right and you know
born into poverty a lot of them born into
immigration situations there’s a lot of fucking strife
you’re raising kids
right now do you feel like
raising kids is almost like
raising a wild animal almost
where you have to like
teach them you have to almost
house train them and
you know and all that so i know you don’t want to talk
about no your children
not specific
like that it’s much more different it’s like an
alien it’s like something that
doesn’t even know this world or
you know wild animal has
their own instincts and you have
to kind of tone them down and i’ve had wild cats before
i’ve had feral
cats that were raised outside or
they were born outside and they’re wild man
feral cats even when you
get i got mine when
he was a kitten he was only like two months old
maybe three
months old the most but he was wild as fuck i mean wild
like hissing at you and fucking
leaping and clawing the walls and
when i first got them
a friend of mine that i went to high
school with she had a
bunch of them in her where her
apartment was like there was a parking lot area
and this female
feral cat had a
bunch of kittens
so she decided she was going to
catch the kittens
and give them to houses
and she gave one of them to me
and so i took this fucking cat this cat was
crazy dude i mean i’d
never seen anything like
it in my life
but i had a couple days off work so i decided i’m
gonna have to get this cat to like me
this cat is
gonna live in my
house i might have to get this cat to be
chill with me
so i put one of my bedrooms
i put a bed in it
that i don’t
normally sleep in
and i put some cat food in there and some
water and i just
slept in there read books for two days
and wrote material and hung out with this little cat
until he became my friend
but dude it was
crazy i pick him up he
would start purring
and then i would put him down as soon as i put him down
you go fucking
crazy and run away from me and fucking try to
climb up the walls
it was like when i
would pick him up the warmth and the
comfort and the fact that i was giving him affection
he knew he could
relax that i was
gonna do good
things but as
soon as i put him down it was like immediate terror
so it’s nothing like a stripper
nothing like
raising a wild animal it’s like raising something that
doesn’t exist
and all of a
sudden gets brought forth into this
dimension with a completely
clean slate
they have no
knowledge of what’s
going on they have certain tendencies
tendencies towards being needy or
aggressive or tendencies towards being
relaxed you know
their personalities
definitely vary and
whether or not
that’s genetic whether or not that’s just
when they were born you know what was going on
with my wife’s body what was
going on with her diet
what was going on with
their genetics what’s
going on with
the fucking
solar system who the fuck knows what
influences behavior whether astrology is real or not
and then from there you just get this
blank slate and you
gotta raise this
blank slate
but it really
doesn’t seem like the commitment
people think of it as like this burden like oh i
gotta raise this kid i used to always
think that’s probably what it was like
that you have kids like god becomes a burden
gotta take care of the kids
but it doesn’t seem like that to me
to me it seems it’s fucking awesome
it’s like you’re
raising this new little loving creature
you know this little little
awesome person that you love so much man
like you want
to do it like you want to be with them you
never and it
doesn’t feel like a burden to me man
it feels like a lot of fun
i mean sometimes it requires a lot of attention it’s
tough to get
things done
but it’s fun
but it’s also
i’m having it i know i had a baby when i was forty
i didn’t have a baby when i was
twenty and broke and fucked up and confused and
trying to make my way in the world
i had a baby when i was already
relaxed you know i had a baby when i already
had like a good healthy view of the
world you know
i just recently got baby fever
because i think it’s your
second one that got me
i’m just like you know what i’m done i don’t need
to be hanging out at a comedy club at 2 in the morning
i don’t need to go to a bard and rave with my glow
sticks yeah that’s when you need to do it
you know i just i feel like i just want to sit at home
and be happy
and well you love pets
you love pets
man if you love cats and dogs i know you do
you would love
a human you know
i think i will
we’ll make great pets
we’ll make now the
world would be so much better
if more cool people had kids you know
we would figure out a way
to raise human beings and have
generations that were really nice and friendly to each
other the problem is just too much
inequality too much inequality in the way children are
raised as well too much
too many situations
where people are like looking at people that have
things on tv and go why not me or that have
things in the
world that they
don’t have and why not me what the fuck and this
too much anger and
you know i mean that makes for competition
in some ways you know you see
things that
other people have that you wish and
wish you had and it
forces you to work harder
but it’s also
it develops a lot of stress man there’s a lot of
yeah every time i
think about it then i think
about like oh wait when she’s like fucking
fourteen twelve
think about
some of the dudes that we know how creepy they are
right think
about some guys that we’ve come across in our lives
and how fucking nutty they are
especially safari
shafir no but
now some dudes
really hate
women you know
i have known dudes that really have issues with women
and when women
would turn them down they
would yell at them and shit like that and
it’s really embarrassing and creepy to be around and
you know you
could think man that
could be your
daughter that
could be sam tripley’s
daughter and
some guys yelling at her calling her a fucking cunt
lesbian yeah
you know because
she doesn’t want his drink
no thank you yeah you fucking cunt lesbian
dude how many of
those guys are out there
you know what’s worse is
walking through
vegas like saturday night
and just seeing
like a hard rock
and seeing like fucking like
just two girls walking through this maze of fucking
drunk douchebags
vegas guys and it is sad they’re like attacked like
a lesbian yeah
i think a lot of girls go to
lesbianism i mean this is just
total speculation but i’ve met
girls that go both ways and sometimes they’ll be like
lesbians for like a year or so
it’s just they get od
on douchebags
they just want some kindness in
their life and
so they just said let’s just i’ll be your
girlfriend for you want to be flowery
yeah eddie’s
eddie dated a
chick that she
moved somewhere and became a
lesbian really
yeah like you know he was dating her and they
broke up and she
dated a bunch of different dudes in this
net and blah blah blah
that’s just decided to take some time off from dick
fucking scissor for a bit i dated it
i hooked up with this chick
and right before we
had sex for the
first time she’s like i just need to let you
know that for the last five years i’ve been living as a
lesbian wow
i’m like oh man like i need this kind of pressure
man talking about
i’m like jackie
robinson man i like i get one shot
and if i don’t take care of business nobody gets his
any dick i’m
sure was a good shot so it was awesome wasn’t it
oh she fucking
loved it but she wanted me to
choke crying
did she really want you to
choke her yeah i don’t like
that shit i
don’t like she wanted you to
choke her and she was a
lesbian she wanted the full male
experience bro
you aren’t bringing enough heat she’s
crazy i once you did it
crazy was it good though
crazy good yeah of course yeah i like
crazy chicks
did i ever tell you
about like women who were a little bit
cross eyed too i just remember
i don’t know why dude
what i had a girl that i
dated there’s
another connection
like i talked
about the foot fetish thing
i had a girl that i
dated when i was like 22
and 21 actually
and she was
older than me
and she was really kind of sexy and she had a wonky eye
and that wonky eye i’ve
had like a thing
about wonky eyes
just a little one with a
little wonky
a little bit
she’s gonna try harder
brian you understand
she’s aware that wonky eye and she’s just
gonna give a little bit more
zest into the kiss i just met this
asian chick a
while ago and
she had the
greatest body and a little bit
cross i’m like wow
that’s really hot
yeah i agree i once
dated this girl i don’t
know if i’d said this or not on the podcast but i once
dated this girl that
every time she
would have an orgasm she
would have like a full on
seizure and fly off and
hit bookshelf and
knock bookshelf
down and stuff like that and
ever since then i’ve been like
hoping that i get to find
another girl like that because you don’t understand
how fucking amazing that is like you’re
about to you’re having sex
you’re both
about to come and then she comes and then she’s
just flying like a flopping fish all over the place
and it’s just like
are you sure she’s put in a show no she
could be the
worst actors
hurt herself doing it like i fucked
are you sure she’s not just retarded
no no she’s gotta
think this is a girl
i mean she fucking loves that’s
unusual she loves sex so much we did this move like
we it was when we used to work at this mexican
place and we did this move called the don
pablo that’s the
place we used to work at don
pablo’s and it was
where we did but to but
you know take my dick and wrap it between
my legs and then
pull hold her legs
i saw that in the
peter north
video is that a real video
i don’t even know if that
was a real move but we used to call it the dumb pop
no the girl was sucking it that way that’s what it was
she was sucking it backwards so yeah
we’re on top
and i’m holding her legs pushing the dick in
while my dick’s
between my legs
going through it from behind that’s like
how dogs fuck is it
dogs fuck backwards
dogs fuck doggy
style goddamn
no no no they get caught
when they get
stuck and they try to step off
you know you know
it’s like it’s like when you’re inside a dude’s guard
and he goes for a leg lock
and then you have to
step over backwards and then you get into donkey guard
yeah but so anyways it was
weird because she was just a freak
she would fucking come and like
it would take a minute
maybe of her just sitting there going like
screaming like
while she’s shaking like
could she always get
annoying after a
while it was when i was doing it but now i kind of miss
it like a fetish like
i want to do that again
after a while
we like will you just shut the fuck up
i just got like
water while she was doing i
just like walk up and make sure she didn’t hit herself
i used to date a mexican girl ucl
racial slurs at me in bed for
real yeah it was really hot
wow i don’t know why i just really liked it that
would be kind of high
racial slurs like what
would you say
uh everything
like what you
right bitch
white motherfucker
oh she drop
m box fuck that
blacks was really
how would you use it
i don’t wanna
go and say it
say what you say what the fuck this is the podcast son
there’s thousands listening to this
right now tell us what the fuck she
would say she just be like
fuck me yeah yeah
whisper it man
why it’s not you saying it you
know we all
know sam tripoli this is sad to me why because
you’re supposed to just say it man yeah
tell me what this bitch was saying she gonna just
drop em bombs dude why
that’s crazy you gotta make your dick
a little harder like a crazy bitch
yeah i liked it fucking crazy bitch
man i like it when girls talk shit dude
i want to get offended when i have
like i wanted to say offensive shit right wow
i like that hate that quiet shit where there’s
see i don’t like saying shit unless they are
so if they’re not then i don’t say anything or
try to make no noises at all but that’s
awful you try to make no noise at all i’m just
but i’m not
well i mean i agree
oh you know i’m not doing anything like that
that sounds like nelson riley oh charles nelson riley
oh yeah what yeah this sex is terrific this is awesome
yeah you don’t make
noise man no i try not to
and i get called out on it sometimes i
think i actually get
called out on
it yeah i get called out all the time like why was so
quiet i’m like
cause i’m in the machine
right now i’m quiet
but i’m coming
i used to have a girl who
would just explode down there oh me too
i sure love
that oh yeah i love
gushing you
could always tell when she
was there like warm
yeah it was so
great did you ever see it
spray out no i
never really
wanted to see it i just felt it felt it you know
joey one time
joey ts hold on
joey diaz is a joke
about that he
dated a girl
that did that he goes but it was inconsistent
one day be like
fucking mint juleps the next day be like gatorade
i don’t know what the fucking
expect it was too confusing
it always collected my
belly button
and then i used to just lay there
after sex and like
flick my finger in my
belly button oh okay you are
grossing me the fuck out you
weird cocksucker i once
boned a chicken
in the back of a phantom
you bone a chick in the back of a fan dude
what a phantom a car like a rolls royce
oh shit yeah dude i did this gig in this i
was working with this guy you bang some rich guy’s wife
no i just this
chick was running
running with us
and she just
i’m sitting in the back of car she just all over me
whoa and then like everyone
leaves car i just hang out i just start
nailing her in the back
and she’s just right gone
you have to
say anything that’s right um
just if instead
of answering next time just go like this
and then continue
story just ignore me
i know what the fuck you’re saying
by the way this podcast
is sponsored by
flashlight by the end
we have to say that at the end
how much does a phantom cost rolls royce
like it’s like a half a million
bucks or something yeah
dude it was real deal shit that’s like one of those
ultimate floss
things like i’m sure it’s cool to like
drive around in must feel like really sturdy
i mean they’re like really really well made
that’s just like an
ultimate like
flossing move well
those that’s what
those cars are for like you
could run those into a
building and you won’t get hurt they’re
built to like yeah they’re awesomely built
but it’s like also like the
people that want them like that’s an extreme statement
you know i’m saying
i think this guy
was a limo driver so he just was one of the cars that
oh okay okay
what i mean
still you want to show people was the shit i ford
see what i get when i go out
for my limo
and there was great
just spraying and he’s like please please please
and then they had a mercedes there
go over to the mercedes so we went over to the mercedes
and finish what we were doing
cause she’s splattering all over your seats
yeah he didn’t want us to ruin his oh
oh wow that’s was she a
sprayer yeah
oh my god all over the key
imagine if the back of his fucking beautiful car just
smell like pussy
just dirty stinky
pussy everywhere
i miss and she loved in the ass
dude oh did she
yeah you ever meet the chicks who love it in the ass
out about sam trip
did you think
they’re pretending to love it in the ass yes i’ve
never met somebody that
loved i know i’ve seen
girls and say they love it man they love it in there
i heard girls yell it out
at a comedy club some people it just depends how like
some people have whatever that
that sensitive
asshole where it feels like
they could have orgasms from it that’s
how sensitive it is and
other girls don’t have that vein or whatever that
goes through the side of it that’s a doctor talking
right now ladies
yeah that’s dr red band that’s ghetto doctor
yeah you don’t
got that vein in it ghetto
doctor knows all
about butt sex
you get that
vein in there you know the dalai lama is anti butt
sex so he’s anti gay sex i guess
he’s not even
he’s anti blowjob
too so he is anti gay sex
most of the
sex should only be used for procreation
yeah oral and anal is
sexual indiscretion yeah
i mean most of you are like in christianity all the
taboo sexes are no but
those guys don’t create more christian but
who’s supported by more gay people than the dalai lama
the dalai lama is
essentially saying that what they’re doing is
they’re doing is unnatural and
is not what you
should be pursuing
you should only be
pursuing sex that creates
babies that’s
literally what he’s saying that’s
he probably
doesn’t get laid that much so
at all how about ever
i mean maybe he gets laid occasionally i don’t know
we don’t know
maybe fuck sharon
stone fucking
flashlights and
the dalai lama
flashlight send him an
avatar one we need to figure out a way to get avatar on
board with the
by the way they have
clear ones they have
clear ones i was like oh man that’s like fucking wonder
woman when she’s in there
oh yeah yeah
totally we play
invisible jet
visible jet
just look down and you see little wonder
woman in her jet that’s hilarious i like the idea of a
clear one though
man because there’s something serial killer
about the whole rubber
pussy that’s the same
color as an actual pussy
have you ever seen
those dolls that are like life
real dolls yeah
i thought about getting a gay one for jiu jitsu
i was like that’d be the perfect
thing to practice on because it’s just like a real dude
because i have a
but then i thought
how do you explain that away
i got fake jiu
jitsu dummies
in my garage that i practice on like if i can’t get to
class and i got some shit i
gotta work on
i’ll work out on the dummy
i’ll go over moves on the
dummy because it’s like
it’s a bubba dummy
they make them for gracie jiu jitsu
but it’s not as accurate as like a real doll
i bet a real doll
would work better but you know what you
should just get
you have cash just get it to put in your
closet and look at i heard i
like a doll
i want a dude oh
that’s a skin tone
no no no yeah that’s not i
think the sign
would care off
yeah it’s not
tough i heard
drew carried
eight real dolls
really yeah he’s a freak
drew carey’s got so much
money man dude how
great is that gig
he’s such a nice guy too man
drew carey is like one of the nicest guys i
think i’ve ever run across
always friendly
always has a big
smile on his face
i’ve never even
heard of him being a dick
you know just always like a
funny guy to be around
loves comedy
gives advice to comics
he was giving advice to some fucking new
comic at the improv
the other day
not the other day was like
maybe a couple months ago
but drew was there and there was some new
comic there and
we were all talking and the new comic
asked a question and drew
carey just gave him all sorts of information just
write thirty jokes a day just sit down
force yourself to
write get up
every time you can
record your act he was like giving him all this
great fucking advice
thirty jokes a day well
it’s like if you do that if you do that if you really
dedicate yourself you’re
gonna have some gems you’re
gonna come up with some gems you
force yourself to write some
you know just sit down and
write a bunch of shit like that he’s so right
it was fucking
great advice but the fact that he
took the time to do that to some kids
he’s from ohio
he’s an ohio guy
are you an ohio guy no
where columbus
yeah that’s
you know ohio does have a lot
of nice people they’re a lot like canadians in a way
a little less
little less cool
so chicks are great
ohio chicks i like ohio
chicks midwest
like they’ve always been very nice you like
the firm stock
i dude i like
thick chicks i like amazon’s that’s why i
loved australia
just amazon chicks
i saw read them on your twitter
right yeah they’re all
amazons and pregnant
those are my two favorite things
australia is a pretty awesome fucking country man
there’s no religious
guilt out there you can do i was doing
jesus jokes are fucking
great man they’re
friendly as shit too i got talk slow though
they’re like you have a really
thick accent
like i do their accent’s pretty badass
their accent just
sounds party
because if you’re talking like that
might you know
that’s not like a guy who takes himself too seriously
that’s the guy who’s
gonna throw you another beer you know what i’m
saying i was in
sydney it’s
pretty expensive over there man a little bit
sydney’s the shit though
it’s fucking the removed from
everybody man it’s hard to get shit over there yeah
our driver was telling us how much cars are
there like real expensive because they got to ship them
you know from other
places they have like their own
australian cars
you don’t recognize like what the fuck is that
some weird alien car and shit you know they’re like
completely removed from the rest of the world
they’re fucking far away
and the crazy
thing is that was a prison colony for england yeah
and england is fucking boring as shit
rainy weather all fucked up australia is beautiful
and that’s a prison colony
and they’re so cool
how the fuck did that happen
i don’t know
man by the best time how long were you there for
two and a half weeks
yeah australia’s the shit man had a good
where you at
this week man
i’m doing my
naughty show to my own
that’s right that’s
right sam trip
is not a show
tomorrow night
are you fear will be guest
to do doing some sort of a
guest appearance
rowdy roddy
piper’s gonna be there
yeah yep he’s
gonna make an appearance
and sam how do people keep up with you so they know
about the future
the future naughty shows and all this shit
naughty comedy show
i’m twitter
i’m on twitter
sam tripoli
and if you’re on you
stream that’s it
right there
it’s easier just as go to thenawtycomityshow
com for that actual
thing probably trying to
spell tripoli yeah
the naughty
commieshow com sam
tripoli com well
tripoli’s not that hard to spell
oh we’re having the us sounds
us national air humping
championships too
really yeah
it’s gonna be big
if you seen
sam’s been on the road with me a
bunch of times before we did
toronto together we did a
bunch of gigs up and sat down
we did sacramento together and we’re doing the
house of blues together
on july 2nd
sam tripoli in
vegas anytime
in the big brock lesnar
shane carwin i’m so
excited the
white gorilla festival
we’re gonna have a good fucking time man so
sam tripoli tomorrow
night at the melrose improv
10 p m show 8 p m
8 p m show 8 p m show
dana de armen and joanna angel dana
he’s got a bunch of very
attractive young ladies who fuck for a living
and then i will be this weekend at
the irvine improv
friday saturday and sunday
with ari shafir
and joey coco diaz oh snaps oh snap full death
squad appearance
brian’s gonna be there
videotaping so if you want to kiss brian he’s ready
yes you ready to kiss people yes
i’ll kiss anybody
boy girl no
no okay we drove
flashlights com go to joe’s website
click on the link at 15 off
they are awesome and we both love them
yeah we fuck hooked me up and if anyone from
flashlights listening
get us more we need some more chris crystal
i emailed him
yesterday to tell him that the
flashlight has made it into my act now
there’s like i have a whole
chunk on the flashlight and how the you have chunks
i think that’s the best way to do comedies
you know the guy who i really emulated who i
learned that from was richard jenny
cause richard
jenny would
write and he would
write the shit out of a subject man
i remember i was always impressed when i
would go to see him that this guy
like when a guy has like just one
thing on a subject he brings up a subject
he has a thing on it and then he moves on to the
next subject i always feel like well you just started
touching on the subject you sure that that’s
all the angles that are in that subject
i don’t i don’t feel like i got enough out of that
experience but when i
would go see richard
jenny that guy
would like write
these big long
chunks word but
right when he thought he was done with it
he would hit you
with more shit with it it made it funnier and funnier
more ridiculous as it got along so i
learned how to do that from him yeah you’re going to
well you do
chunks too man
like tommy store guys do
chunks right
yeah a lot of guys from there
we have similar
styles you know
we go loose
it’s not like
verbatim same way
every night
cause that place is like a chaos
place yeah you can’t go up there and do a monologue
yeah nobody wants to hear that shit
yeah you’re
gonna have to interact with people at some
point that’s why i hate showcasing i
think showcasing for
something is just so not natural like
like seven minutes i mean yeah and just go up there and
a to see and
it’s just like that’s not what i do it’s like i like to
be in the moment talk
about what’s
going on and it’s
funny because kennison who is
one of my favorite
comics and i
think one of yours as well
always had that problem
and he was a comedy
store guy as well
he always had the problem
where he said
it takes me 10 minutes
to get cooking i don’t want to do like
seven minutes
he had a problem he didn’t want to do
when the roddy
dangerfield special was on he was like wow
10 minutes this isn’t a lot of time
he had a concern
about that you know i
think we both have that
style that comes from the
chaos of that fucking
crazy comedy
store i man
when i walk up on stage
it takes me a little longer and everybody else
you know when there’s people who walk up on
stage and they have a certain look you
kinda know what they’re
gonna talk about
right so people like are
sorry i’m bored do you
know what i’m saying like john cabrell goes up with a
hat and he looks like
one of the guys from
south parking talks like this you know and it’s like
he’s already kind of like
already in do you know what i’m saying he’s
got handlers
joey diaz goes up he’s hilarious me
right the fuck cocksuckers what are you looking at
my ball loose what’s
going on here
that always takes me like
a couple minutes and i’m fine with that now but when i
first started i always get very like
panicking and then it
sets your set off in a bad direction
but you have this casual
like your act is like
you know i mean
with sam is one of the funniest
guys i’ve worked with he’s really hilarious if you
haven’t seen him do
stand up before
have you seen
him in toronto you know if you seen him in any of the
places we went to you know
but you know
his act is it’s not
you got you don’t
have any fat in your act you’re not trying too hard a
bunch of bits you’re not
doing a bunch of shit that’s
you know like in the beginning of your career
like everybody like i had it everybody has you have a
bunch of bits that you know
you have in there just because they’re in there yeah
you should have probably
cut them out you cut all that shit out you know
your shit is all like what you
think is funny
and how you look at things
so when you go up there
there’s no like you don’t like try to fake them out
right away and get them get them going
you just get into your shit you know
yeah you take your time
you know it takes a few minutes but once you get that
rhythm experience
i love that though i love
watching a guy do that man
i love watching a guy
set up his shit and get into it slowly
i really get uncomfortable when i see someone panicking
you know when i see someone trying too hard or saying a
bunch of shit that’s not real
you know or trying to
force things
that you feel that
you know man i’ll be honest with you dude like you are
you know i love working with you joe because you’re
literally the probably the only person that i can just
do any joke i want unleash it
just throw it out there
and just go for
blood and you just
fucking just grab the wave
and just go
you know and follow i mean i’ve
literally gone on roads with people and had to pull
punches you know and i understand
because you guys love it we’re very similar though your
sense of humor my
sense of humor are very similar so that
when you’re on
stage and you’re killing
you know that
i’m laughing my ass off so when i go on
stage i’m in a good mood like i’m
laughing you know i’m saying
like i feel like
wow this is a fun fucking show this is fun and i just
carry it on
they get rocked
if you don’t have that kind of act
though if you have the kind of act that’s like really
you know like a monologue act or someone who’s like
more sedated who
doesn’t talk
about controversial subjects
the problem is once the cat’s out of the bag
you know like once you
start talking
about wild shit when you’re up there
the guy after you it’s
gonna be really hard for him to be like
sedate it’s
gonna be really hard for him be like middle america
you know fucking
you know for letterman
you know what i mean
there was a time when
i used to struggle
after john cappa
rollo because he was very mainstream lovable and i
go up there with my
weird stuff
and you feel it
right yeah and
there’s like whoa hey whoa whoa whoa
we’re just you know
we like ice
cream do you know what i’m saying like
you can’t convert them yet that’s
what it is you don’t know how to convert them yet
or you didn’t
at the time rather i used to feel that way
about aj jamal
aj jamal was joey
diaz is kryptonite for a long time
aj jamal would go
that’s a funny dude
he’s one of
those guys there’s a few guys
where i go this
doesn’t make any
sense how is this guy not a huge
household i’m with you dude
squeaky clean
hilarious brilliant timing
great writing
fucking super nice guy
super nice friendly guy and
here it is you
know we knew him from the
store from what 10 years ago here he is
he’s not famous you know that’s
crazy to me
i mean dude people like
oh aj jamal killed last time i was like tell me when he
doesn’t kill
that’s why because he
murders rooms dude
he was when we knew him too when he was at the
store a lot like in the
early 2000s
he was an executioner bro
he would go up and
he did a lot of the same material but he
would go up and do 15 minutes of thunder son
and it would be
squeaky clean and perfectly timed out
and you know you
would feel like
especially if you had that like
loose you know
dirty style
where you’re talking shit on stage
you’d feel like unprepared when you go on yeah
you know cause it’s such a totally different
style of comedy really
funny man yeah you always wonder
that dude you know there’s a lot of guys like that man
i always talk
about reggie mcfadden
reggie mcfadden
back in new
york in like the nineties i knew reggie mcfadden
like ninety
three ninety four
he was a destroyer dude he
would go up
squeaky clean
totally digestible for tv
and he would just fucking
crush he was a
monster man
and for whatever reason
it just never connected
i know he got an in living
color like i
think on like the last
season or one of the last
seasons you
know and he
did a little bit on that but for whatever reason he
never took off
when i saw him
i was like 22 or something like that when i
first saw him
i was like whoa this guy’s
gonna be a fucking star
i’m like this guy is so charismatic
his act was
clean i wanted to like him like he
would be on
stage i was like i was
learning from
watching him perform
definitely you know
those guys that you’ve seen
and you go man i
learned something
watching that guy
i need to be more have more fun with this or
i enjoyed that part
about his act you know
how come i’m
like that in my real life but i’m not like that on
stage i need to
learn how to be like myself on
stage like he is you know
and he was one of
those dudes man he just fucking
crushed crushed
you would just be humbled like whoa that guy’s good
and then for whatever reason man i just
never fucking clicked
it never clicked
you know you
never see like
him headlining
these big shows that you hear
about at these theaters and shit like that i don’t even
hear i don’t even know
where he is anymore i don’t know
where he is either
he used to do poppins and i
i was like i don’t know why this guy’s popping
in he’s not really celebrity he was always really
funny but now i
haven’t seen him at the comedy
store in years
yeah yeah he do pop ins he had a little bit
going on back and you know he did a
movie like yeah
although i got very
funny though man
steve white there’s another one
steve white
steve white is fucking hilarious dude
that guy is
one of the most
confusing guys to me that and i know he made
a ton of money off real estate
he became like some
crazy fucking real estate investor and i
think he does like seminars now
i know he had a
radio show for a
while there in vegas
dude that guy was
funny shit he’s another guy guy
should have been a giant
should have been
fucking headlining
everywhere all over the
world you’re talking about a
bunch of people that no one knows about
we’re talking
about comedy you know
yeah but there’s
also something
about what we knew
about these people
yeah but i don’t know
these people
you don’t have to know
we’re talking
about but i’m listening
to you about
comics that we knew that were really
funny we’re describing i know
there’s a lot of
people asking like
how do we know
these people why
would we care
about this who are
these people
brian stop reading that man don’t
bring that up i’m
trying to help
us show it two
hours and 20 minutes don’t
bring up negative shit
you’re bringing up negative shit
these people
saying if they’re not into it we’re talking
about comedy and what’s our history
and to us it’s interesting i
know people that are into comedy it’s
gonna be i know
but you’re also putting on a show
right now yeah bro i know what i’m
doing man stop this don’t fucking tell me what to talk
about all right
i’m fascinated by this hey man what i’m talking
about you’re not helping it’s not helping
bring it up negative shit it’s not helping
it’s interesting to me
and i think i want to give that guy credit
and i want to give aj jamal credit and i want to talk
about all these guys they’re fucking funny
genius guys
you know that helped us when we were coming up
watching all
these different guys
i think that’s one of the most important things
about comedy development is being around a bunch of
other really
funny comedians
you know and like feeding off of each
other and you
know it’s a
blessing too because like being in la
believe it or not the comedy
level so high he’s like
you know i go
on the road even if i’ll go like down the san
diego or something you see what they’re
used to seeing and they’re performing at that level
yeah it’s like
in la you know
you know i had
to i had to
god knows how
many times i had to follow you at the comedy
store it’s like i can’t fuck around with that
you know and all
these other great
comics like
you see what you got to get to and
where you got to operate at
and god knows
i had to follow a lot of guys too and that’s one of the
things that mitzi shore
really helped me and a lot of
other comedians with
she knew how to
schedule guys you know
and she always
would talk to me
about it you
know and i told her i said you know you really made me
you know you
really helped my development as a comedian she goes
i always know
where to put you
you know she
would put me over
after murderers man martin lawrence in his prime he
would go up in the main room and fucking destroy dude
it was back when he had that what was that
movie that he had the concert
movie of him doing stand up
something run something something
crazy wasn’t it you so
crazy or something like that i don’t know some who was
it brian i don’t know
anyway he used to destroy
he would level that main room then i
would go up and i was nobody and i
wasn’t very confident
and people as soon as they saw me they
would get up and leave
but how many times have you done this
story in my life dude for like the
first year i was at the store
andrew dice clay
pretty much bump me
every night
i know man it was brutal
dice dice they were
scheduled him before me a
bunch of times
or me after him rather
a bunch of times you have to go up
after him and i used to listen to his cds
or his cassettes rather they were cassettes
back in the 80s man to
one of my favorite moments is
watching him on new years doing his
nursery rhymes yeah
yeah they see that live when i grew up on that was like
phenomenal that was hbo
special that was live
right from philly wasn’t it
well yeah and then i saw him do it in the
or one time
on new year’s i’m like wow that’s pretty damn cool man
i remember working with him just being like
standing next to him
going holy shit this is dice clay yep
you know to me it’s like
right there with kinesin as far as like the
comics i mean
you know people say he’s an
asshole he just hate comedy and it’s like i don’t care
to me it’s funny
i’m not looking
for him to have
the best philosophy in life and
teach me how to live my life but
he’s made me
laugh hard before
when i was a kid and insulting people at the store
how many times has he just
started attacking dudes oh he attacks his own fans
you’re awesome guys hey fuck you man
dude he’s ruthless he’s ruthless shitting on people
he does not care dude
yeah that that comedy
store environment growing up in that
crazy i used to follow
eddie griffin
after he did
three hours
three hours i’ve seen that i’ve seen you follow him
i saw you follow him at
least twice
after he did
three hours
and the people were just destroyed by the time was over
they had nothing left in them
by the time eddie
eddie would
start off doing material
and then two
hours in he be like
the africans
built the pyramids with sound
see y’all don’t understand
9 11 happened
there was gold
underneath those twin
towers and the
subway ran 24
hours a day okay
like you’d like
leave you like what the fuck is he saying
now i don’t know what’s going on i
think katt williams just came took all this thunder
and then i don’t know man well he had a problem
opening up for certain guys he like
i think it was mike abse i
think he were open for
he was opening for some guys and like they just were
maybe it was katt williams
they were just
not into his shit man
cause he’s got that
style that just shit talk in style
you know he’s like suited to i think
eddie’s like at his best when he’s like in like the
or and it’s like a friday
night and they don’t
expect him and he
goes out but he’s feeling just perfect you got just the
right amount to
drink and just the
right amount
of feeling good he’ll go up there and fucking slay it
but do you remember back when he had his
first hbo appearance
no i was like a
young comedian special or something or def
jam maybe it was def jam yes it was def jam and he
fucking destroyed
eddie griffin
was one of the most fucking charismatic and
powerful stand ups ever for like a
short period of time
you would go to see like
his his like hbo performance when he was on def jam
at the time like the impact that it have i remember
watching it being like whoa this guy’s fucking talented
just powerful and dynamic and all this energy and woo
and good man it was good fucking material
but somewhere
along the line
he just went crazy
i don’t know what did it and he do
three hours and
forty five minutes of it was
gold dude there was some really
funny as shit he
would say shit sometimes it
would make me go this
guy like in spurts is like one of the funniest ever
one of the funniest ever
do you ever
heard his bit
about alexander graham bell
do a bit about cocaine
that alexander
graham bell invented the telephone
he’s like you
gotta be has
a motherfucker
wanna talk to someone who ain’t even there
that’s funny as shit
how much coke you
gotta do before you like
i wanna talk to some nigga ain’t even here
it’s a funny bit man
he had some
funny fucking shit but it was bursts of it you know
bursts of genius followed by all this time i just
think like in la like when you’re doing like a sets
like people can only take so much
and like three hours nobody
could take three hours of anybody i don’t think anybody
would you ever want to hear what do you
think about like these chappelle
know and these dane cook sets
what do you guys think about those sets
where dudes do like six
seven hours
i hate it i think it’s the
worst idea ever i think i think less is always more
i always found it interesting that day that dane
always got like a bad
you know energy
from that and then for the longest time nobody cared
about dave chappelle no one
would ever be like fucking chappelle bump me
they’d be like yeah chappelle went up did
three hours it was awesome
well he seems now it’s kind of
changed but
at the time
right after the chappelle show
especially after he left he was like this
martyr for comedy
you know because everybody would
heard that like the
the comedy central suits were fucking with his show and
trying to get him to stop saying nigger and trying to
sell more advertising and they wanted to give him more
money there’s a
big 50 million
dollar deal and he just went fuck you and walked away
and i think
everybody just he became the messiah
you know every
comic was like wow
that guy’s a real fucking
comic like he
really walked away from 50 million dollars
who the fuck walks away from 50 million dollars
who gets in a fucking
plane and just goes to africa
so for us like he embodied
everything that a real
comic is supposed to be
dude’s a genius comedian
hilarious as
fuck had the funniest show in the history of
television dude
dude it like
changed the way people thought
yeah i mean it was that i mean like
stuff that he did on that show became part of lexicon
you know what i’m saying
yeah i’m rich
bitch how many people just
would yell that out
how many people
would yell out fuck your couch
you know how many people
would yell out all that stuff that
stuff became
so it just it just
it had an impact that like nothing else did man
and so when he stepped away from that
and everybody was like wow he really
doesn’t give a fuck
do you think
hollywood’s mad at him at all
like if you killed like the golden
goose no you
think it was all fake
no he can sell so much man he can do whatever he wants
i don’t think he gives a fuck
if he wanted to sell out stadiums dude he
could sell out stadiums he’s not trying
he’s showing
up at comedy clubs like unannounced and shit
he’s showing up and doing
guest spots and shit and
going up for a couple
hours here and there
where he’s not even like having people
pay to see him he’s not doing that many real shows he’s
an interesting
motherfucker man
very interesting
but i think that’s really why everybody
doesn’t care
that he goes up like we all want to see him
you know he represents to a lot of
comics like he’s
the embodiment of what you’re supposed to be he’s like
the richard pryor of our
generation yeah the guy who goes up and
and everybody wants to sit and
watch them you know
is your favorite
comic who’s your favorite
comic uh i’ve
david tells one of my favorites
i just love the way he
writes in his like tags are really good i like
you stan hope
bill burton
and you know
nick swartson i
think is really fucking
funny his specials one of the only specials
i like for some reason i can’t
watch comedy man i don’t know what it is
i’ve been watching
i don’t know man so i’ll
watch like clumps but
somehow i got through his
whole entire special
laughing my ass off man
yeah he’s really
funny dude that that fucking thing
that he says
we said if i was gonna
commit suicide i want everybody to be really confused
after it was over
like pull out a gun and go
who fucking farted
boom and blow my brains out
that’s hilarious shit dude and
he’s got great
stage presence and delivery
i was in minneapolis and he was there too as when brock
lesnar was fighting
and it was the
night before we did a show at the fine line
music cafe and
swartzen came to the show
and he just walked on
stage while i was on stage
he’s like one of
those dudes
who like i love
him so much he’s so fun to be around i’m always
happy to see him
like one of the few dudes that
would show up and then just walk on
stage and i just give him the
microphone and give him a hug
you know what i mean like i’d be
happy it’s like
for him it was like a cool
thing yeah yeah yeah
on stage he’s a
great guy great guy
i used to do beecher’s madhouse at the hard rock and
vegas and he came out and
partied one
night and then he just disappeared yeah
and he showed up the next day and he’s like
i’m like where’d you go he goes you don’t
wanna know and i’m like you know what i don’t
wanna know i
don’t he’s a fun dude man he’s a
great guy man but he’s one of
those guys like he
could probably do that to you he
would go on
stage and you’d be
happy to see him on
stage with you
what are you doing man
but how many guys are like that there’s so few
you know yeah
i don’t know anybody who i would
be comfortable
going on stage on their show
i don’t know anybody
i would never
do that with you walk something
like what the fuck man
right i would
never do that
with you like if you were doing a show somewhere
i came to watch
i would never go on
stage and just like
assume that you were
gonna give me the
microphone i’d
start talking to be like
dude what the
fuck you don’t do enough shows yeah yeah yeah
you wanna come
steal my thunder
motherfucker what are you doing
what happened
to jen kirkman she has a comic last
night she went off on her twitter because she had a 30
minute spot at the improv
and somebody went on
stage she didn’t say who it was
jumped on stage and didn’t
but she was going
crazy both on the
you know the improv
on the comics
but you read her shit jim
kirkman you read her
i don’t know he was
a contestant
or he worked for her last comic
standing but she
never said she
wouldn’t say who it was a greg geraldo
no no no it wasn’t
great so how much time did they do
i like i don’t know i don’t know but you
check her twitter it’s pretty unlike
days on that
show but i like
trouble i like droldo
too it’s that’s life man
you know comics
gonna go on before you bump you
especially no one knows who the fuck you are
i’m so numb to it man
it’s amazing
how everyone gets so
angry and i am so numb
to getting bumped it’s a test man it’s a test
for comics it’s good for you
when you’re
starting out it’s not good when you get to a certain
level and people are paying to see you and someone
contrary to your
point of view goes on and goes up you know
like monsea
you know i’m saying you want your
great monsea story
i was headlining the addison improv
and i’m sitting there in the back office
and all of a
sudden i see brad
williams walking i’m like hey brad i’m like oh fuck
in walks fucking
carlos monsea
he fucking does
thirty minutes
i can’t even get away from him in
dallas does
thirty minutes before me
doesn’t even ask me
like doesn’t he hey dude you mind if i do
thirty minutes
doesn’t even ask
just assumes he’s
doing it does it on purpose he did it to put you in
place i mean that’s what he did this man
to everybody goes up there
right i i tell him i go if he goes over
thirty minutes i ain’t
going on stage
he gets off at
twenty seven minutes
he’s killing
and he goes
thank you guys so much
place goes nuts
and they go all
right he goes are you
right for your next comedian
and the whole
place literally goes
like someone’s got foul this
this is crazy
i walk to the
stage he introduces me i’m walked to stage
he doesn’t wait for me to be
to get to the stage
he literally
i never seen anyone do this before
runs like a full
sprint off the
stage to the side
to his left
leaves the stage
empty i go up
to make you feel uncomfortable
i get up there i got this joke
i always drop when i file big name somewhere drop it
place goes nuts i kill for
forty five minutes like the
crowd was like we can fucking do this you know what i’m
saying you were
funny you know they didn’t know they
probably a lot
of them didn’t know who you were they were just
going to see some comedy and they
maybe heard your name or something like that
but he was just national headliner
guy just destroyed
oh and just trying to
bury me of course
that’s what he loves to do he’s a sick person man
you know the
the marc marin
podcast was fascinating
listen to it because it’s like listening to a
crazy person
the crazy thing is he bumped marin
marin was at
the improv once he bumped marin for like an hour
marin didn’t even say anything to him till the second
podcast you know the
first time i didn’t
bring it up like hey why’d you bump me for an hour
i forgot yeah
how the fuck you forget that
see that whole
thing about that
video is man it’s like
he brought that all on himself dude
like the new
video is the craziest thing ever
that’s just
just flat out positions that’s like
where he is
where you are it’s obvious who was on
stage for you know i’m saying it’s like
i mean you were there before you left and you came back
right yes so he brought that on
self i don’t see why
this situation of
bullying or anything like that that’s just marin being
silly maris a
contrary and
he’s always trying to find some fucking unique
angle that other people that be
that’s my biggest problem so you can’t complain
about and i love man
you can’t complain
about joke stealing
and then well
he did a lot of dumb shit not only did he complain
this is what marin did marin compared it
to people being
influenced by people
there are other people that
sound like people which is
i’ve been guilty of we’ve all been guilty yeah
i think everybody else yeah when you get
influenced by
people but that’s not plagiarism there’s a huge
fucking difference between that and plagiarism it’s a
ridiculous comparison
and the other
thing that he said was that
i thought was really kind of fucked up was like that
he made it through comedy did
everything to comedy
had a lot of hard work and you can’t
take away the fact that
he worked hard like what the fuck are you talking about
you’re talking
about a guy who’s
stealing and then he also said
that he thought that the
video should have been released that we
should have handled
this within the community
this is all
coming from a guy who’s got a fucking podcast for four
hours talking
about it he
started a ten
minute video
and he’s got
a podcast talking about it
more than one occasion it’s
ridiculous it’s just a silly
marin’s fucking
silly karma bro
that’s what that was look man
nobody wanted that to happen you
know i just wanted him to not be there i wanted
him to not do what he was doing we didn’t want to
set out to try to fucking destroy somebody
we had a problem we had to deal with but
how bad was the
store how many times have you
seen people
freak the fuck out because that guy was in the back
of the room oh dude
i did the funniest thing
about him is like he’s so easy to follow
if like if i see
did my material
it’s so easy to follow
but you don’t want to do your good shit
because in the room
right so i just go to
crowd work and sometimes it goes
great and sometimes it
doesn’t i just
you know that was what was missing from this
whole discussion
the real problem with having something
like that is not whether or not anyone’s free of
guilt the real problem is
what the situation is is someone
who is ruining an artistic environment and creating a
bunch of stress and tension
all for their own personal gain
and this isn’t respected by the
other people
that are selling
the art form the people that are owning the comedy club
the people that are like the only reason why a comedy
club is open it’s not just a
place to buy drinks
it’s a place to
watch comedians perform
and here you got someone
who’s actively
victimizing the
other participants
in this community that keeps you
alive and you’re letting that person for
short term i don’t get it i don’t
get it it’s
cause they’re not
artists they’re selling art
they are not artists they don’t respect it
the way an artist respects it you know and
and you know just
things he said on that podcast
in terms and
see is just
you know it’s like
he sits still
he actually says he
doesn’t sit in the room
he sits in the room
texting who
you texting you’re texting yourselves i mean it’s like
if you really wanted people not to
hate you anymore you would
never go in the room when you
weren’t performing
i have this theory dude
like if you’re
a guy who’s been doing comedy over like 10 to 12 years
and you’re like
watching like open mics
you’re probably there
fishing for material
you could be or you
could be a really
curious person wants to see the beginnings
again and see
horrible failures and see like what it feels like to
watch somebody like real
on nervous and uncomfortable to sit there the whole
night and just
who knows you know i mean i’m not saying that anybody
watching an open mic night is
definitely a thief but
it’s suspect
you can cherry pick some
great ideas that people don’t know how to work
in an open mic
night right i mean
how many times you
watch an open mic
mic or go wow that’s a good idea he’s not doing it
right but that’s a
great fucking idea
i usually go tell him how to
tweak it yeah
that’s a nice
thing to do man
i’ve had people do that to me
and it’s really cool when someone comes up to you like
louis ck was the last one to do that to me
he saw my set and
afterwards he actually
wrote a bunch of shit down
and he gave me a couple of cool ideas that’s
cool wow that’s a
that’s another cool
thing he’s a
great guy i
think he’s the best
right now as far as like
he’s the most prolific you know
and patton as well patton’s another one who i
think is fucking
genius yeah i
think patton’s very funny
i have this
whole thing
about alternative comedy
and i find it very funny
because like you know
almost like the
mount rushmore of alternative comedy
which is like
pat and sarah silverman
david cross
and zach alphonakis
they’re funny people they have set up they have
punchline there’s no alternative
to it ari shaffir
and i had the
exact same conversation yesterday
for a long time what is alternative comedy how are
these mainstream comedians talk about
mainstream subjects
and they do it in
stand up comedy form how is that alternative like
it’s so hard to define
what alternative comedy is
well i just think it’s
as far as i can tell it’s a look now
yeah it’s like you have a vibe
look i don’t
because like i did the vancouver comedy festival
with the vivid
video comedy tour it was me
two porn stars
and nerds it was all nerds
and i would watch like
their sets and they
talk about this shit i’ve
heard everybody talk about
but they did it with
glasses on reading off a notebook
it’s like the
closest thing to alternative comedy might be
is it tim and eric’s
great show good job
those guys are brilliant
yes but they’re not
going for your normal like
setup punch
that might be alternative like almost
any coffman this yes like
they’re brilliant
dude brilliant have you ever seen that
video they did with that i don’t even know
dance floor
dale did you ever
see that one no that’s the
greatest one of all time is that
where they’re
grinding at
your fucking they fuck and it’s all
psychedelic and
crazy neon and they’re jumping in fucking
dude it’s amazing humbling humbling
humbling humbling
that’s like real alternative comedy i completely
agree with you
the rest of it is just like
it’s like come on man you’re on
stage with notes and that makes it alternative
it’s what they’ve done is
they’ve created
an environment
where they can go
with zero performance
yes on purpose
and they don’t like people that perform
which is understandable
some people like soft music
some people like real calm soft
music no that’s some
people like metal
it’s all a choice
issue i like
all sorts i like i like jeff foxworthy man called
crazy but i
think he’s funny i think
that dude is
funny bro yes i
think so i could dig
ellen degeneres man back in the day
watching her
especially the
cable guy he’s got some
great fucking jokes
i like a wide range of
stuff some people get very
particular about
the comedy about
music about comedy
about literature
about everything you know
it’s a lot of shit to
enjoy man it
doesn’t have to be exactly your
speed for you to
enjoy it there’s a lot of shit that’s good
that doesn’t necessarily
resonate with how you
would do it but
still i enjoy it
the only people that
drive me crazier are the
clean nazis
especially if they’re like the filthiest people off
stage yes you’re making a business decision that’s fine
you make that decision
but don’t get mad at me because i’m me on stage yeah
i’m just it’s amplified but still me
i get that a lot they like yeah
they get upset at you because oh yeah talk
about talking cock too much hey douchebag i think
about that all
right i’m gonna talk
about whatever i want to
you talk about whatever you want to don’t worry
about me it’s
so funny the idea that there’s something bad
about swear words
it’s so juvenile
all words are artificial we make words
so we can relay what we’re seeing
and there’s all sorts of adjectives that are just as
ridiculous the idea that
freakin’s okay like
clean people say
freakin this
freaking guy
and they feel
clean and free of any
wrongdoing but if you say fucking with the same story
someone out there you
screwing up yeah it’s so
weird right
and if you look like
music movies
everything else is so
dirty now and now like
there’s very little
clean comedy left though
that’s not very common anymore
there’s the christian base
is funny people of
faith was a tour that was
going on through the
it was through the improv chains
and it was at the
arizona improv
well there’s a
woman who does
like comedy
based on the
bible and she does like arenas
oh that’s hilarious
yeah i’ve seen guys do that too there was a guy
named brad stein
who was really not very funny
in my opinion back
in the day he just was like real hacky and just gross
well he became this
really right wing christian comic
and just started
crushing and
selling out
giant places and selling books and
i got a cd i bought it at a used record store
just because i was curious
it was one of the strangest cds i’ve ever
heard in my life it
completely devoid of humor
but just like
weird cheerleading
right wing god fearing cheerleading
like it was so bizarre
but i always laugh at
those people
cause eventually
they’d be they’re
human and it catches up with them well they
start doing ok
they start banging
chicks and like
ted haggard
yeah yeah yeah like
who’s that one priest
right now that’s from
he’s in houston
he talks like this
and he’s like
he plays like a stadium his church is like a stadium
there are a lot of those in
texas man and i
believe in everybody
and it’s like dude i’m like
i look in his eyes and i go that guy’s seen darkness
he’s selling
something but there’s some darkness lurking bro
ted haggard pulled
it off for a long time before he got busted who knows
how many guys are out there that are
gonna get caught that george
wrecker’s guy that was the head of the christian
right he was
joel osteen
right ost yeah
joel osteen dude that guy and i hear
he’s a nice guy but dude there’s darkness lurking bro
my tebow records that guy
every week and i have no idea why he just
started recording it so i’ll sit in bed and just
watch it sometimes just
out of curiosity and that
shit’s creepy
and you see that you do
the lord your life son
you need to load your
life and his wife’s got that big hair and big makeup
crazy shit man
texas is so interesting because they got that
crazy politics but they’re the funniest people to
party with oh they’re the best same thing
better than like drinking
drinking in dallas
drinking in austin
so you can find some
great drinking partners in austin have some fucking fun
yeah man but that pots illegal man
you get fucking thrown in jail for pot there it’s so
stupid it’s a
they gotta fix that it’s
texas texas
should be sucking the fucking
corporate dick of america like that
texas is supposed to be the fucking only
place that can like
isn’t it supposed to be legally able to secede from the
union because it’s a republic of
texas or something
crazy like that
religious roles and and
big business got hand in hand
you know i’m saying well i do know but it’s like so
funny that people
reagan reagan in the 80s connected everything
wholesome to religion and you know the
whole right wing
you know religion
christian movement
really got involved in politics during the reagan era
they realized they
could tap into
those dummies and
start selling them shit
you know selling them
god guns in
country and they just pushed it and ran with it
it’s so amazing it’s amazing it’s amazing
because they’re the people that give the fuck the
least about the common man
you know corporations are
the last people that love the terminators dude
they really are man
they do not care
tam tripoli this is an epic
long show this
is the longest show we’ve ever done here can
we break it or do we do
it you know what we were
ready to wrap it up to but we got reinvigorated talking
about stand up comedy
and the comedy store
and that’s one of the
things i love
about you sam
tripley you’re a real fierce fucking comedian you’re
the real deal you’re out there really doing it i’m
patrick swayze of
there’s a lot of dudes who you know they could be
stand up comedians or they
could be fucking
insurance salesman or whatever you’re a fucking
stand up comic you know
you’re the real deal dude
thanks man it’s always an
honor the props my brother
hang out with you too man you’re two my favorite people
and always love
going on the road with you man
yeah well we’re
gonna tear it up
again july 2nd
ladies and gentlemen
sam and i will be at the
house of blues in
mandalay bay
is the the night before the
ufc and we’re
gonna have fucking
party it on and
tomorrow night
sam tripoli has his show at the melrose
improv in hollywood
eight p m the naughty show
it’s a fucking pisser
i’ve seen it
ladies and gentlemen
i loved it you’ll love it
thank you for tuning in
we will see you guys next
week most likely tuesday same bat time same bat channel
thank you again as always we
appreciate you this show just keeps growing
every week and we’re
enjoying the shit out of doing it
and i’m just
very happy that everybody’s
enjoying it
and i keep meeting people on the road that love it and
it means a lot to me
and i’m glad you love it and we’re not
gonna stop so
thank you guys take care
talk to you soon