like fucking robin now look at that um
live ladies and gentlemen we are live
we are here at the compound
chilling with eddie the twister bravo shazam son
welcome to the podcast again mr bravo sir
thank you for having me man
thank you for being here it’s an
honor to be on the show we are sponsored as always by
the flashlight
and you know dudes giving me shit
about promoting this and
lately guys like what are you a
spokesman from the flashlight
why you always bring up the flashlight in your podcast
first of all because the
flashlight is actually sponsoring this podcast
that fucking thing behind me i forgot
to shut that off ryan
first of all
we never have something
that doesn’t fuck
only twice we’ve ever done this where we don’t have
sound going off in the background
my computer has the the volume
on oh my cats in the room too that’s good that also
could be a mistake
yeah i thought i kicked her out
she’s so needy she’s an awesome cat but
she’s needy as fuck when it comes to podcasts
she doesn’t give a shit
about you guys spaz go go go go spaz
was that you or the cat no sir
that was private
anyway people
been giving me a hard time saying like will you a
spokesperson for the pot for the
flashlight no i am not
but they are
sponsoring this podcast
and i’m here to tell you just as a person who jerks off
it’s a fucking
solid product
it doesn’t seem like it would be
it seems like it’s a
silly thing
but look you’re
gonna jerk off just accept that
and it’s like
fifty bucks or something like that i
think it’s like fifteen
sixty nine bucks
sixty nine bucks
and those some of them vibrate they cost more
yeah you don’t need that what are you a fucking
robot i guess that the vibration probably
would not be the best on the day how much
doesn’t seem like that
would work that’s just a dude who buys like extras
i want it loaded i want my
how much loaded
it’s like in the 60s 60
bucks and it’s like 50
off so for like 17
off rather for like another 15 bucks
for the wig
you’re talking about 75
bucks total well
brian’s been
stuffing them in couches
and fucking them yeah you put them in between the two
pillows and then i did that with a towel once
you take a plastic bag
a friend of mine we both know him he’s a
cartoonist oh yeah
you get a plat
you put a towel out and then you
put a plastic bag on it and then you roll up the towel
right and then
like a burrito and then you make you just put some
you know yeah some guy has a youtube
tutorial on how to make your own
flashlight he makes really
yeah it looks
super complicated
but you know
how much work
that’s like
how much time is your time
worth an hour okay
is it worth
twenty bucks an hour it’s
gonna take you more than
three hours to make that gut just buy it
right you know to be cool you know be awesome
if you were so tight
and so cool with your
that you didn’t have to
clean you could just
leave it out have
like twenty of them
right if i like
twenty of them
and then she cleans
for you right
that would be dope
yeah and i would use that shit all the goddamn
time me and my
housekeeper just ain’t that tight yet
yeah no housekeeper wants to be
clean your loads that’s
where they draw the
line but how cool
would it be seriously that
would be cool if you
could just throw it like
underwear you know when you just
leave your shit
everywhere you know your
housekeepers coming on wednesday
you know what i mean
it would be cool man then i would
definitely use it i’d
buy it wholesale
and shit that’s like somebody told me the
other days like don’t you know that weed
stores are like
a way for the government to get involved and take your
money i’m like
dude i can use a credit card and be in and out you know
that’s what who cares if the government gets a
piece of it who the fuck
told you that the government’s involved in the weed
stores because of credit cards well yeah
that is the number
one problem with hanging out with people that smoke pot
is there’s so many dopey
stoners that have like
crazy ideas
the latest is that this golf disaster
all the wackies
are saying that this was a
planned event
and that they’re
doing this to use it as an excuse to kill off a
giant percentage of the population
is alex jones
saying that too
what does he
say we need to
get to the bottom of
he’s gotta have
black helicopters
ladies and gentlemen
what they’re doing
right now in the
gulf mirrors
what they’re trying to do in our
school systems
they’re trying to take your guns
dude if you ever had a cartoon
if you ever had a cartoon you
would have to have the alex
jones be a character in the joey
diaz because
those two are almost
perfect like
identical you
could totally
have the best oh i can do alex
really good if i
listen to him
when i listen to him
ladies and gentlemen
i get the tones of the
voice i understand what the new
world order is plotting
and it’s evil
it’s wrong what is they’re coming for your babies
they want to put implants in your uterus
what is what is joey
think about the oil
spill what the fuck you bother me with this oil
spill bullshit listen cocksucker
i got no time i got ten cats in the wheat
store is open at nine a m you know what i’m saying
i get down there i get my og kush
i say hello
maybe i have some fresh squeezed orange
juice and i mind my fucking business
this was asked on my form of spring that i just started
cannabis clubs are one of the biggest
capitalist money making
schemes that
have ever come around in 15 years why is this
never called out why is that well what does that mean
capitalist money making
schemes okay
first of all the one that i go to that
was just shut down was shut
was owned by a guy who’s a businessman who’s a nice guy
who took a chance
on something that’s very controversial
like opening up a marijuana
store and he provides good service and he has
loyal customers because he’s a friendly guy
and they always give you like free joints and
everything when you
leave here try
these cookies they’re awesome
they’re super nice and
super friendly
and it was a privately
owned business by one guy this guy’s full of shit
this guy was providing me
with an awesome service
he was selling
great weed all legally doing
everything according to california
state law by the book
every single aspect of it
and he had a nice business
going we’re at a
bunch of people that were like
loyal business
there’s nothing
the government has nothing to do with that
i mean no more
than the government has to do with me telling jokes
because look if i’m telling jokes
you know if i’m getting paid to do comedy
i gotta pay taxes
so in a sense
when you go to see my act you support the government
i mean really in a sense
i pay the government
a ton of money
every year it comes 48
or something like that of your
money it goes
literally to
taxes supporting my government by
drinking his coconut water
yeah we need
a certain amount of fucking government
folks okay don’t
worry about you
know where the
money from pot
stores is going
alright worry
about the massive
impact that marijuana being that accessible and
basically legal
the massive impact that that has on our culture
it’s only been
going on for a few years and i’ve noticed a
giant difference in just
how many people
are more aware
how many more people are
just like aware of like the legality of it
why it’s illegal
what the you know what the
whole conspiracy was with william
randolph hearst back in the 30s
so many more
people are informed and people aren’t afraid of anymore
it’s not like people
think that it’s
gonna give you
brain damage it’s
gonna fuck your world up
like people
understand now that that’s bullshit and they’re
starting to realize that it can enhance your life
that’s so fucking important man
fuck all this government conspiracy the biggest
capitalist making
scheme ever
don’t look at that stop you’re being silly
you’re looking for a negative
in something that’s incredible
marijuana has finally broken through
and i can tell you from
california it’s
crazy you can go anywhere in
those weed stores
my place got closed down because it’s too
close to a school
but i put an article
on my on twitter
and i put an
article or you
know i put a
post on twitter and i put a post on message board
hey where are the good
places in the valley in california
and fucking i got dozens of
suggestions like instantly
there’s never been a time like this ever
i like my place
check it out it’s just a
house it’s like
a suburban neighborhood it’s crazy
tuluca lake collective
oh you took me there once
yeah that place is cool yeah
yeah no that
place is very cool it is like a
house you go in a little
little picket fence
front yard and shit
what kind of
weird the best
shit is medpott delivery com
have you ever thought
about that i’ve already
them now what’s the
name of my mother i had i needed weed
and this motherfucker came to my
house what’s the negatives is that illegal the
negatives is some dude who delivers pot knows
where you live
no no he’s actually
i’ve known oh
okay you’ve actually bought
weed from him before
which guys his name is brett he
trains that
but in culver city with
gerson he’s
about gracie guy
we know him okay you remember that guy yeah really good
now he delivers the ship met
okay well then you have to worry
but yeah yeah have you that is correct like if you were
thinking about
this like like out of this
cloud you would say hey this guy is
in the drug business
and he’s in my
house checking my shit out
you know you
could look at it that way but
would you be bothered
if a guy came over with a delivery of fine wine
you wouldn’t care
right i was
having a drug deal
i wouldn’t fucking
win man if a guy
came over your
house and he had some really nice
expensive french wine that guy’s a drug dealer well i
would never let him in my house like i don’t let my ep
ups guy but i would have to let
the weed guy in my house because you’re not going
to break out
no you know you would
why not if it’s legal
because i have my neighbors don’t care if it’s
legal they think oh this guy’s doing drugs on the front
my neighbors can suck my dick oh
you can’t even
see your neighbors you can roll down a hill and you
still don’t hit your neighbors yeah but
if i did even if i did have neighbors your neighbors
should know who the fuck you are man
are you worried
about getting a bag of weed in
front of your neighbors that’s crazy yeah
yeah well they also own the
place i think if a guy
came over your
house to deliver a nice case of wine you’d let him
right in you let him
right in and roll that little dolly
right into your
kitchen and
maybe like dumb fuck yeah you
know what i mean i come in some wine
i wash my fucking button up shirt
it’s trust me and it’s
it’s hilarious i don’t mean you as a dumb fuck
right i just meant like yeah
with someone with that mentality
that i mean
wine’s a drug
it is a drug it’s responsible for you know
so much art and
culture and so much the way
human beings behave
you know alcohol
based societies any alcohol
based society there
it’s like you
know when societies get into alcohol it’s always like
violence and yelling and
lots of fun
to lots of fun
and passion
and and and poetry and
music and shit like
that you mix weed and alcohol together that’s the best
isn’t it funny though that you
never think of wine as a drug
when nobody
thinks of wine like i do drugs
what kind of drug you do i do wine
was this certificate
is not to be trusted
i don’t know what that’s going on
i think my twitter is
crashing my girl ex
girlfriend used to always say that
she used to always say that wine’s a drug
no the certificate
never mind oh
nobody knows what we’re talking
about here twitter is
going tweet dex is
going nutty and i’m just
gonna shut it off
because it’s distracting shut off the
stream now no no no not shut off
shut anyway
wine is a drug you know
it really is nobody
thinks about it always forget that
alcohol is a drug anybody
especially all the time
wine seems like
something you know you have if you’re sophisticated
you know it’s like
the most accepted like if you tell people you
smoke weed there’s
a lot of people that look at you like there’s something
wrong with you
to read that show
sometimes but then you get like
you get like
wine in a box
and that’s just
like man this is like kool aid for alcohol
you know 5 i got a
whole box of alcohol
stanky though there’s nothing
worse than some shitty
wine man yeah i
agree what do you
think mel gibson was drinking
when he made
those calls
what was he
drinking i don’t
can we hear him yeah
if you don’t know what we’re talking
about mel gibson
apparently lost his fucking marbles he’s got this
chick who he’s
i mean he was
married for a number of years and has you know
quite a few kids with
and he left her
and this is the new
chick that he hooked up with
i think it’s more than alcohol though i
think this is just straight up like what she was saying
crazy person yeah
but you would
this is what i’ve always told people
about actors like
actors are really
annoying and one of the
things that’s so annoying
about them is
they really are like
you have to be
crazy to want to be an actor
you have to be
crazy to get through all
those hoops and there’s a lot of them that are cool
i mean a lot of actors that are
really fun to hang around with but for the most part
a giant percentage of them are fucking
completely insane
and the business coddles to them
because the business is kind of
like always like getting them food and kissing
their ass and mr gibson will be
ready for you in 20 minutes
he’s making so much
money and he’s the you know the
focus of all
these people’s attention and love and adulation
these movies are
giant you know passion the crisis giant
and so that just blows your fucking ego up even more
you know and
most of them like a good percentage of them are really
truly insane
you know good percentage of actors are
they’re totally delusional
we’re starting to see that now
because of all
these sources these
tmz places and
stuff like that
where you get to see someone’s true personality
they catch them
drunk coming out of a
nightclub and you get a camera on them
all this shit that’s
going on right now
what you’re getting to see
deep behind the curtain
twitter i mean shit
you know there’s some
there’s some
crazy ass celebrities i
swear to god and
couple fighters
oh man there it there
it’s war machine has an awesome toilet
falling falling
apart in front of the
world you know yeah
it’s incredible summer
level yeah very
yeah there’s
definitely people that are losing
their fucking shit
there’s a lot
of people out there doing twitter that really
should not be allowed to talk
you shouldn’t be allowed to be just talking publicly
yeah you should handle you man
like whoever whoever’s handling britney spears
right now they got it wired
for years this wasn’t an
issue people
could have publicist
and you could say
stupid shit and
and you know and nobody nobody cared nobody ever
found out about it
all think about all the
crazy scandals
that have happened throughout history and how much they
would be much more in the news
today than ever before
it will think about
the rod stewart um
pumping the stomach yeah
rumor remember that that was like
early 80s yeah
well we talked
about this before the gerbil
rumor the richard
gear gerbil
rumor that’s the
world champ
before twitter before internet
imagine that shit that is the
world champion
rumor yeah no
rumor can fuck with that
rigid gerbil up the ass
rumor because there was
nothing nothing there was no
cd television shows that talked about it
there was no internet
it’s somehow another made it he grew up in california
i grew up in boston we both
heard it yeah
that one in the stomach pumping rod
stewart taco bell
survived the sour
cream come rumor and i
still even while
i’ve never even
heard sour cream
oh dude this guy got busted working at
taco bell he just came in a
bunch of tacos he used to do it for two
months blah blah blah
brian that was a
rumor only in your town
maybe it was that shit didn’t make it
i still want the taco bell
that happens like
every that’s like taco
bell is food we’re talking about a
human being
that life is real yeah but
i don’t put
human beings in my
mouth unless i but dude you could stop
okay eating tacos
and you wouldn’t have to
worry about
that guy you can’t stop being richard gear what are
the two biggest rumors pre internet have in common
loads and sex gay yeah
fuck what anyway says what about the
remember the george michael
thing was that before the internet when yes it was
the cops i mean there was a there was a meager internet
was a little it was not the kind of
culture that’s everybody have aol
my space yeah it wasn’t like instant that was i
watched careless whisper today on youtube
what george michael careless whisper
dude click on go open that shit up wait you
first here to smoke gibson oh
no let’s go let’s go positive
first that negative okay
careless whispers
careless whispers george michaels
and it’s all talking
about the videos
him and he’s dancing is with a girl it’s all talking
about him and a girl
breaking up it’s a
great song but
there’s a scene
where he has to kiss the girl why did you
watch today
why i just fascinated
was this during flashlight time
how about you
so you like zoom in on his face like with some
crazy fbi cia
stuff and you see right when he kissed his eyes
his eyes rolled back but it’s just something
about the even the words were gay
it wasn’t just gay the way he
dressed and looked and he probably didn’t like the song
but but he accepted
maybe he did no maybe he did
it accepted
guilty feet i’ve got no rhythm no i’m never gonna
dance again
guilty feet i’ve got no rhythm
what heterosexual man would be willing to say that
i’ve got guilty feet
guilty feet i’ve got no rhythm
guilty feet of what
the fuck are you talking oh you got it hooked up brian
just did that on
the fly through the
soundboard on
the fly i just did
it on the fly like
ladies and gentlemen
tech support
brian redman rikel
and everything
about him he’s so like feminine
like beautiful handsome man his hair is fabulous
you know like
striking features
only gay people like
saxophone and songs
if george michael was straight he
could do so much damage
if you see a straight
aggressive man
with those looks and
the fucking
voice that he has you know what kind of damage that
could have done that facial hair
god everything the
whole package
beautiful man
listen to this
guilty feet i’ve got no rhythm cut son you’re gay
and you’re white
you’re gay guilty feet you’ve got no rhythm
fantastic music of the 80s
all right now that’s positive and that’s all good
and now what we have to talk
about ladies and gentlemen
something that’s not so positive and that’s okay
we gotta play this buck and mel gibson clip
you need to know tell me when to imagine
if this was a
thing like a secret
relationship that’s the next one
that’s the next one
gonna be a ted haggard
ted haggard banned me from fucking twitter man
god damn it what he blocked me
i’m so mad i know
who you are for a long time i was enjoying it
and no it was because of a comment i think
he probably has
heard my bit
before but he probably didn’t know i was following him
i mean i would assume if
he’s online someone probably sat on my bit
but anyway he
wrote on his twitter
he goes after
sunday you know
bible study
sandwiches and then dot dot dot question mark
so i wrote meth and blowjobs question mark
haha that was
my response
and so he blocked me
i’m fucking very upset man what a
pussy cause it was fascinating reading his twitter
now i have to i
could still watch read it though dude you can’t totally
block me i’ll just going through a web browser
you don’t know that it blocks you on your iphone though
doesn’t it it only blocks you on
whatever application you’re using tweet deck or twitter
it doesn’t do it on the web
no you go right to the website
remember that was how our friend did not know that we
knew that he was saying some fucked up shit
right totally unrelated thing but
but so i still get to
read and take in the goodness that is the
ted haggard twitter
if you don’t know ted haggard is famous
evangelist that turned out was
actually smoking meth and having gay sex with hookers
all these gay hookers
and he was like a huge like
spokesperson for the religious right
used to have conference calls weekly with george bush
where they would talk about you know
such things as you know
promoting christianity and stopping the gauge ending
it was just a crazy homo
dude that sounds like a sitcom dude okay
like that dude’s life is a sitcom he’s
married he’s got kids he’s
but he’s not
gay but he’s a cooker on the side just to pay the bills
oh my god and
ted hagrid is one of his customers
what do you think
when i got busted
what did he feel like how did that feel
to get caught like with the that’s
not on video can you imagine
if the guy videotaped it right
like real clear
hd quality low job
that’s probably what he wanted
i wanted to get kai that’s probably what this
whole thing was
probably he probably got caught and started
twisting his nipples by what’s happening the cops
no way i think this
yeah he probably
think eddie’s right but i also think that when you
when you’re hiding that much i
think the pressure is so hard
that you almost want to get caught to end it
i think the pressure of like having that big of a
secret you’re this christian religious
evangelist that’s like a public
speaker who’s revered
by the christian movement and meanwhile you’re
smoking crystal meth and sucking a guy’s asshole
you know you’re
we don’t know that
we don’t know that yeah no no the guy was very explicit
not all guys
suck ass no
no the hooker the hooker was very very open
about it oh really he talked about
sucking the rectum oh dude they get freaky
i don’t know i don’t know
you might as well
i might be talking on my ass
right there i don’t remember the
exact details i remember he was talking
about having gay sex
there’s nothing
actually mentioned suck you know there’s lame
chicks who who don’t really like to suck dick
i wonder if there’s like lame gay dudes who
they don’t really like to lick assholes and
i’m sure just give you a little hand off
i was selfish
i was on so dope
is gay dude
i was on submit your
flicks last
night dot com which is like youtube for porn
and there was this one
video where this hot chick had this
nasty boyfriend
and she was just like this is home amateur
video just fucking eating his ass
and i wanna you know it’s like it’s like
crazy like how do you get to that
point where you’re like dude the
balls are right there you never had a
chick lick your ass
huh yeah but it was by the
mistake kind of
it wasn’t like you can’t you can’t you can’t
the chicks gonna lick your ass
you you can’t there’s a very funny episode
sex in the city about that
very funny episode of sex in a city
where a guy wanted to get his ass licked
and he was like
he licked her ass and he was like trying to like lean
his ass towards her face
get the fuck out of here
man i like it
yeah i don’t
fan of that what
would you why do you think porn is
going in such a crazy direction are people spiral
spiraling out of control
i mean the amount of like
fucked up porn it’s available
today it must
be like ten thousand times what it was in the
eighties more even
it was it was very hard like in the nineteen
eighties to get i
think it’s just
technology yeah you have you got one mouth
fucks you know like
smacks and beating
chick chicks up and
and nut in their eyeballs and and there’s
like so much nutty shit that’s online like aggressive
like violent porn
yeah so much more
it’s more people have cameras and internet
connections and is
that what it is i
think or is it just that people are numb
to the regular shit
and things like porn and the obsession with porn
accelerates just like technology
it just gets crazier and
crazier and
crazier crazier
because there’s a lot of like porn that used to
watch when you were a kid that
you know wouldn’t even get you
excited now
it’d be boring as fuck
you just get so desensitized you want that
high resolution
close up shit
two thousand and
eight did porn and 3d what’s the latest on that
who knows i don’t know but you went here mel goods
yeah let’s go to mel gibson before we go into porn
here’s the here’s the big call this
is the first one this is i think the
second one but this is like there
if you don’t know mel gibson has this chick
and the chick is
his baby mama and she’s got his daughter
and so mel gibson is calling her
and they’re having a conversation with the
phone the chick is secretly taping it and it’s fucking
crazy all right here we go
don’t hang up on me i can i have plenty
of energy to drive over you gotta make this much louder
brian this is really low
all right i don’t know if this gonna work folks
you know what it was
better than nothing it was better when you had the
microphone you put it right over the youtube
we’re gonna try a different way folks because i
think this recording is just a little too low
i don’t think it’s good with the mic that’s
what we did it before
it’s louder that’s the thing
give us one second here
ladies and gentlemen we apologize for the delay but
you got it brian
yeah now it’s just downloading the video
it’s downloading i mean is that gonna take a second
yeah it’s about for a little bit
why did it stop
god damn internet
right we think you got to figure out
much better i have plenty of energy to drive over there
you understand me and i will
so just fucking listen to me
listen to my fucking ranting
listen to what you do to me
i didn’t do anything to you
you are ruining my life you make my life so
fucking difficult
well you know what it’s
a woman that fucking supports me instead of
woman that sucked off me
and just fucking sucks me dry and once and once
get to this relationship if you’re a good
woman and you love me
i don’t believe you anymore what am i
what did you just say you’re bullshit
has any relationship ever worked with you no
listen to me
you don’t summon me
somebody who loves does not behave this way i do not
but my daughter is important
all right now you have one more chance and i need
pause this for a second
you fuck my damn you care about yourself
your self is so fucking good to you
you fuck i didn’t do anything i did not
do anything this is your selfish imagination that’s all
help me
i’m sleeping with a baby i’m waking up every two
hours i fell asleep
because i was waiting for you because you weren’t
ready to go to jacuzzi
as we agree
we agreed nothing
you agree you just fucking
expect shit
go to the goddamn jacuzzi yourself
gotta fuck it
fucking jacuzzi
it does same
i was just fucking
soul i didn’t
blame you for
anything i was
just waiting
you have no fucking soul
you can’t give a fuck
i left my wife
because we had no spiritual common ground you and i
zero you won’t even
fucking try
you don’t care
you don’t care you just enjoy insulting me that’s all
fuck you i so fucking do because you hurt me so bad
i didn’t do
i did not do
the best part is when
your girlfriend she’s not your girl
oh really
stop apologize for nothing stop you are dishonest cunt
stop being apologize for a reason
i wanted to peace i wanted to have peace because
you are unbalanced
and instinctively i feel that
you are unbalanced
you need medication
he’s gonna drive a friend into this one
and if you will not fucking admit that get the fuck out
and i will make your goddamn life miserable
you need medication what what
a fucking little girl with a fucking dysfunctional gun
i need a fucking woman i want that is my ringtone
yeah you need medication what
what you need a fucking bat my side of the head oh
you need a fucking doctor you need a fucking brain
transplant you need a you need a fucking soul
i need medication
who understands what gratitude
is because i
fucking bend over backwards with my balls in the knot
to do it all
for and she gives me shit
like a fucking sour look
or says i mean
the fuck is that
okay i’ve had enough of this
this is going on too long seriously hold on
this is brilliant
fucking don’t care about me
i’m having a hard time you fucking like
the rock you bitch you fucking selfless bitch
don’t you dare
hang up on me
i can’t listen to this anymore
you hang up coming over there
i’ll call the police
what i’ll call the police you fucking cunt
i’m coming to my house you’re in my house honey
yes but you
honey don’t call me
honey you just you’re in my
house so i’ll call
the police and tell them there’s someone in my house
how about that
you can do that
watch watch
fuck you i don’t
fault i don’t involve the police in anything because i
stand up for myself you you weak cunt
you call a fucking cop
then i will go to alessia’s right
now why don’t you fuck off to that cunt
bitch alicia
she was fucking making
eyes at me she to suck me in five
seconds take that
one up with her
i was trying to
scare your goddamn
feelings she had
blown me in five
seconds she’s not your friend
you don’t have any fucking friends
except me and you
treat me like shit
so that’s why i’m so
fucking angry
because i don’t have any friends
okay okay okay okay okay
was that crazy oh my come on
she’ll suck me in five
seconds oh my god
she was making eyes he’s not your friend
that’s actors
that’s fucking actors this is what i’m talking about
when i first moved to california and i first
started working with actors i couldn’t believe how
crazy so many of them were
there’s a lot of
crazy motherfuckers
that just know
how to act normal when they’re being interviewed during
press junk kids and
you know and i figured out a way he
can save his career
but shut the fuck up no no seriously
that is all
viral videos for a
movie oh my
god be brilliant
we grow crazy
with that what
a viral video for a
movie about
an obsessive rich
guy who’s taking care of a russian whore
and we and it’s
gonna get worse
yeah that’s a
great idea for a
movie yeah it’s
gonna get worse the
world comes over
so that’s actually a
great idea for a movie
get a girl from a country like russia
where it’s you know
it’s poor and they there’s a lot of
women over there that are fucking beautiful man
stunningly beautiful
but they got like a hardness to them right
so she comes over she decides alright i’m
gonna let this rich guy fuck me
i’m gonna make a ton of
money and just you know just deal with it deal with him
and he just becomes fucking
crazy and he’s like a giant
movie star like
you know what
movie was kind
of like that that hasn’t even come out yet remember
dude what was that
joaquin phoenix i
started growing the beard and going
crazy and then
that’s a movie
is he doing that for
movies yeah
viral bullshit well
that’s that’s what
i’ve always thought i was wondered what the
other day i
heard that was how
did he go on conan is yeah
yeah he like gave
up acting he’s like and then he had all this like oh
television appearances
where he acted
crazy and stuff
that was like
a film i just
found out recently and i thought that
from day one i’m like this is bullshit that dude’s not
why is he on conan if he’s
going crazy and quitting acting you know
right right
right that’s fascinating
so hopefully mel gibson is so
when is that
movie supposed to come out
i don’t know
a couple weeks ago i heard
about it it was like a document
mockumentary there’s a few
dudes that can just act
their fucking ass off there’s a few dudes
where i really
appreciate the
craft of what they’re doing
like gary oldman he’s one of them but
why can’t yakim how do you say it joaquin
he’s one of them to that that
gonna act his ass off he did
johnny cash
perfectly perfect that was
that’s a fuck that a blu ray
it must be it must be i got it on my
is mel gibson a
great actor
fuck yeah fuck yeah
cause he’s crazy as fuck
back in the day dude the mad max days
who the fuck
would have been a better mad max day
always and fuck you in the
drive through
dude mad max was
that’s fucking joe pesci bro
yeah but that was from lethal weapon
lethal weapons sucked dude
i that’s how i like lethal
weapon and like
one was okay one was kind of cool and then they got
stupid but mad max is the shit dude yeah
mad max is that road warrior was awesome too
badass brave heart
brave heart was the shit
brave heart was outstanding that was his best work yeah
i remember leaving those like a
three hour movie and i left and i went to the comedy
store right afterwards and i got on stage
and i just i had so much fucking energy just from that
movie like i felt it like it
you know who’s always say that
paul mooney
he’s always say that whenever he um entertains
or whenever he gets
entertained rather he does a better job of entertaining
he goes i always do a better job
after i’ve seen something entertaining
yeah braveheart i did not expect it i saw
it i didn’t even want to see it
i heard it was three hours
like the movie i wanted to see wasn’t
it was sold out i was like
fuck this braveheart bullshit
i walked out of that motherfucker
and my head just exploded i thought it was a date
movie you know it’s like what is it more
what is this
know bunch of dummies running at each other with swords
i always thought that that is like the most
tired premise ever
there’s group of fucking enemy on one side you know
group of soldiers on one side and
their enemy on the other side and they run at each
other and fucking
smash in the middle and kill each other
how many times they do that fucking scene
you know yeah they’ll keep going
but braveheart
braveheart should be that that should have settled it
that should
unless you’re using
monsters and goblins and shit coming at each
other like that stop doing that
right stop doing those
gladiator was good though to
people started making more
titanics you know people rip off movies there’s like a
vampire genre
what if there’s a giant
cruise line or sinking genre
yeah they do rip off
genres but someday they can
poseidon adventures like that
that’s like the only
other well i
think that shit really happens
so it’s not really ripping off it’s just right
right right but
how does that work is only
one person authorized i mean anyone can pretty much
write their own
story about the
titanic right
i guess once
it’s covered like that people go well it’s a
academy award winner let’s just
leave it alone
yeah i don’t
think they left it
alone i think there’s a lot of
titanic movies called titanic
you know what there is yeah
i think there’s a couple shitty ones you know like
cheap ones that
existed before yeah
i don’t know who knows
who gives a fuck who cares
yeah but anyway that yacht
joaquin phoenix dude that guy can act his ass off
there’s a few guys like that
what’s his face the the
australian dude
what the fuck’s his name
russell russell
crowe correct
he’s a bad motherfucker too
robin hood suck
big balls though did you see that
new one oh my god
yes you didn’t see it i didn’t even know it looks so
bad fucking garbage
first of all he does not look like a
robin hood he’s got this fat face
he looks like a guy who eats too much
you know you know i’m saying
i mean he looks like this
like he looks like a well fed
taken care of guy
he doesn’t look like a hungry who was in it
who is robin
russell crowe
russell crowe
i mean he’s not fat
but he’s not
he’s not like a lean like
sinewy looking dude
you know that’s when you picture
robin hood man you don’t
picture some guy looks like well fed and
it isn’t tights and shit isn’t like
robin and tights
or something
can you imagine
trying to do if you got
if sony pictures gave you like full
like green light
power to produce and direct
jack and jill
you know what i mean
you fuck they
gotta go up a hill why do they go up this fucking hill
you know to me they get some
water can you imagine that it’s like
robin hood you
you’re like handcuffed you got it
you got this dude fucking
steals like how we
gonna make this
happen i don’t see jack and jill i can see jack
and jill coming out like like the journey up the hill
you know or something like that i
could totally
make robin hood
i could see a good
robin hood but you
would have to get someone who’s you
know it’s all
about who writes the
script and who
directs it and whose vision it is yeah
i mean this dude did
exist for real
but i mean the story
is horrible
i don’t remember
robin remembers
it not again
man robin hood
what is the actual
story it was
robbing from the rich stealing
robbing the rich and giving you the poor
that’s the whole
robin hood damn there’s no
robin hoods around a day
what’s the last
motherfucker like that
what was the
what was the story
yeah kings or
something like that
it was so bad i don’t remember shit the
movie was that bad it was bad
i liked when he was a fox
he was a fox disney
who russell crowe robin hood
what the fuck are you talking about
robin hood the old disney cartoon where he’s a fox
what the original
robin hood i have no idea what you’re talking
about you’ve
never seen robin hood cartoon
movie no what
he was a fox rob
was a fox no he
wasn’t yes he was
a fucking fox
you got some
weird rumors
about loads and taco bell
i got you did you
eat mushrooms too fucking fox some people
can’t handle we
folks you know what happened we did
smoke a lot both we both smoke two hits each
and then i said
you once more
and brian said no no motherfucker what are you talking
about goddamn fox
listen remember
i show you just because you remember this no i don’t
no i don’t i don’t
that’s like a classic disney
movie like bambi and
stuff oh really i thought you saw it sorry
no i thought everyone saw that so he was a fox
first and then became robin hood yeah it’s
ridiculous maybe you got
me i saw it i don’t remember okay
ryan you i could have you win
i thought you
i thought you ate some sherm or something
well okay anyway the point was that
russell crowe’s
movie wasn’t very good
back to fucking mel gibson
holy shit when he said
when he he tried to
break up his friendship with
her friendship with her best friend
cause she would have sucked me in five
seconds she’s not your friend
that was deep shit
right there
the rose garden
it’s hilarious cause it was probably true
well what is it
about when someone just has a colossal
catastrophic fuck up like this
that makes you so uncomfortable
i think it’s because
you are terrified that you
would ever see that kind of behavior in yourself
and you can only imagine
that it could be possible in some fucking unsprung
fit of madness that you got
completely out of control
when you were
drunk or on drugs or something and you said
shit equally is
crazy go ahead to the goddamn jacuzzi yourself
go ahead fuck that jacuzzi
i love to have recordings of arguments i got in with
crazy girlfriends when i was
young and stupid
but you know what
the one thing i thought
about at least
three or four times
while i’m listening to this is
damn the bitch
could be really psycho
he’s probably fucked up because she probably did some
crazy shit maybe
maybe i’m just
thinking maybe
he she did some
crazy shit then she records it
and he’s not repeating what he did because
he assumes that she already knows i mean of course
listen it’s i mean
he’s crazy and if he’s not crazy
then he’s incredibly weak
that was like
the weakest version of the pimp pan i’ve ever
heard ever they
don’t you fucking hang up on me
what are you talking
about son why
are you getting
his brother he like gave away
every fucking move
first of all
she’s calm and collected
he’s screaming
and yelling
calling her cunt
he loses he loses
right off the bat
cause she’s like
i don’t know why you’re so
excited you need
medication what
what he fucking loses he’s trying to intimidate her
he’s doing fucking
hard doing nothing he’s telling her he’s gonna
bring the cops to
her house to kick her out with her baby
and she’s like you can do that if you want
she’s like did she owned him
it was just like straight domination
how dare you i’m
just trying to
i’m just trying to help out a brother
that’s he’s
your brother he’s weak
that’s a deprived
idiot that’s a weak weak man
we thought we were talking
about brave
heart you know what i mean i
touched me and i’m
thinking damn let’s help
this motherfucker out
that you know what i mean
guys can get crazy
guys can get possessive
i know he’s a brilliant director too that
apocalypto was fascinating i
loved it i never saw
it i hated the
other one the passion of christ to me
was like a two hour
movie about a dude with
magic who got the fuck beat out of him
i mean he could do
magic tricks and they just beat his fucking ass
and then kill them
and the end and he comes back oh what a fucking movie
like if you take away
the story of
jesus you take away the biblical you know
story of it if you don’t know that as a reference
as a standalone
movie it’s terrible
as a standalone
movie it’s a guy
who just does a few
magic tricks and
they beat the fuck out of him and kill him that’s the
whole movie dude they
gotta do part
two and part
three and make it
really comes back cause the
motherfucker comes back
right you believe that
other shit you
might as well go with it
there’s more to the
story that’s just part one
mel that could save your fucking career
it’s so cool
it’s so funny
how strong the
urge is to look into the past
for a time where
things were explained and clear and
that we were in the presence of divine glory and
the lord was here on
earth and walking amongst men
it’s so funny how
we just have this incredible need to look to the past
as if there’s something that we knew and we forgot
there was a
connection that we had and it was lost
i wonder what that represents
you know there’s people that
think that that represents
psychedelics that
this whole idea of the christ this
whole idea of that at one
point in time we were connected to god
and now we’re not
you know and
a lot of people believe that it was a climate change
issue that mushrooms stopped growing
and they couldn’t get
them and they couldn’t use them as a regular part of
their culture
you know which is the
whole basis of the sacred mushroom and the
cross that book
so i wonder man i wonder what the
fuck that is but god people are so hung up on that idea
they love the idea of there being a person at one
point in time that really had all the answers
it’s so important to them
you know if he
existed he’s probably just
you know a super enlightened guy who
you know figured shit out and people
were so stupid back then that they thought he was
magical but really he probably
never even said he was
if he existed i
mean if he existed
i’ve heard the arguments
against it and they’re much
stronger than the arguments for him
existing i just i know i view
i go back and forth but
if you just
think about it
you know the christians and the
muslims they fucking killed each
other they hate each other
they you know that
the jews and the christians hate each
other they killed each other
slaughter each other
so if there was
if jesus didn’t
exist the jews
would be talking
about that all the time
they say well he did
exist but he’s not like the son of god
but yeah he’s a
bad mother of
governance and
that’s not enough and the same
thing with they
would be all over it
but there’s not enough evidence
then when you’re talking
about stories that are
first of all
almost all the biblical
stories came from somewhere else almost all of them
you can get
the story of
the creation from the
the epic of gilgamesh has like
so many parallels almost the same
exact stories are told
through many different
cultures you
get down to know that
jesus character that’s in the
movies that
exist a nalopia
but that jesus character is
exist in timelines
far earlier than
jesus christ is supposed to walk the
earth as a person
that’s why i’m very skeptical
i don’t know i know that
that theme that theme has been
going on for thousands of years if i had to choose i
would say he did exist
based on the
muslims and the jews but why choose
but i’m just saying that we’re
just discussing it no one really knows i know that’s i
think the best
way to look
at it if we just only discuss shit that we had
proof for then no no
i’m not saying i’m not saying don’t discuss it what i’m
saying is we have this inclination to go one way or the
other and i don’t
think it’s necessary in something like this
if you had to though
i know but if you don’t
you don’t have to
you know what i’m saying you’re just a
human being like
we have this massive
inclination to go one way or the other
you know do you go
jesus or atheist you go mac or pc you know
it’s an urge
that we have to like to accept whether or not someone
existed or i’m
gonna say that he
existed he was just a bad
that’s all his
dad was a god particle
his dad was a god particle
if you don’t know there’s a
discussion and debate
whether or not the higgs boston particle
the media crew you know
named god particle the
scientists don’t call it the god particle but what it
basically is is
a particle that existed
at the very beginning of the universe the
birth of the universe
after the big bang they believe this particle
existed and they now believe there’s
five different
individual versions of the higgs boson particle
a particle collider in illinois of all
places is the
place that they’re saying that the competition
for the new watch
that they’re
about to shut down supposedly
its last breath
is supposedly there’s
rumors that it
found this and we’re
gonna find out in this
speech in paris
next week or
something like that is that what it is there’s
two different
camps on this
some scientists are saying that there’s no
way and there’s no evidence and this is just bullshit
rumors and then
there’s other scientists
that are involved in it they’re saying it’s very
clear they have
all the markings that they’ve discovered this
actual particle
yeah they’re
gonna present
their findings july
22nd at the
paris international
i joke around
about the shit on
stage you know
about like what the fuck are we doing you
know because i
think it is a strange
thing that technology
used to be used to enhance our lives you know
like to create
cups and you
know electricity all
these different
things that make our life easier
but when you get to a certain level of
of discovery
like the higgs boston particle like you know
like what they’re
working on right now like
these particle colliders and all this craziness like
wow what what is what’s
gonna come out of here that’s
gonna help us is this
gonna help us at all or is this just we’re just
let’s see if we can do this
i mean and there’s nothing
wrong with let’s see if we can do this
if you got all your
other shit covered
you know but
right now i
mean look at all the fucking problems in the world if
the number one
thing that scientists
are working on is this is that the right
thing it’s a totally debatable issue
i mean if you were the guy who got to dictate
how we should
fix the world
and you got to
bring all the scientists together and say hey
what should we concentrate on
would you say let’s make little
black holes and
you know let’s use the higgs boston you
know let’s try to find the higgs boston particle what
would you try to do
i would let him do it
jump really high you
gotta let him do it for sure as long as they spend
equal time trying to
perfect big dick pills you know
put some time into that too
do you think if you jumped
every day and like
had some way to calculate how high you jumped
every day and he
tried it for 10 years that the how
big high do you think you
think there’s like a wall of how much you yeah of
course yeah
or do you think you
could continue
with how high are you
god damn what a
ridiculous question
that’s like what i
would love to be able to do that experiment
why don’t you just do it
i thought about it but my
people my ex
girlfriend thought i was fucking
crazy so i stopped i only last like a week fuck that
bitch fuck that
bitch man try it
you can become the best jumper ever
be in the olympic jumping team you have to
my my idea is that you
would have to get better
every week you probably
wouldn’t ever stop your muscles
would grow you
would go jump higher and higher and
well let’s put it to
the test son i don’t want to do i don’t have that time
dude imagine if you
could jump high dude
do it listen
back to what we’re talking
about with the higgs boston particle
i don’t i’m not criticizing don’t get me
wrong i’m not
criticizing scientists i’m not saying they
should be concentrating
other things
i just think it’s weird
this obsession that we have with technology
would like digging deeper and deeper into like the
heart of matter
that we’re supposed to man i know i
think we’re supposed to too
i mean that’s what i
my whole thing on stage is
it’s a joke is
about that we create the big bang
you know that
human beings
are what actually creates the big bang and we crack
the universe open and
starts all over
again from scratch then
14 billion years
later another
human being
that gets developed
makes the big bang and do it all over again
did you hear
that the methane gas bubble was debunked that whole
thing that was
going around
yeah i did but
i don’t know if there’s enough data on that
i don’t know who’s
right and who’s
wrong i know the people that are talking
about that area are talking about
that they’re not letting
any photographers
in they’re not letting reporters in
they have a huge problem with the
pollution in the air
the oil is not just oil on the surface of the
water there’s
vapor in the air
and the parts per million
of acceptable toxins is through the fucking roof
so they might have to
evacuate certain areas it’s a fucking ugly ugly ugly
scene you’re talking
about an oil
spill that’s bigger than
states i mean
i don’t even
think we could
wrap our head around how big of a disaster this is
the ocean is gigantic
but there’s a huge part of it that is just fucked up
right now and we’ve
never seen anything on this
scale in human history that we’re aware of
especially not in like you know
has it hit the coast
of florida has it hit
florida that’s hit
florida so all
those houses
those beachfront
houses that probably
what areas it’s
hit and what areas it hasn’t well in houston
texas they’re getting
those tar bubbles or whatever
things and parts of florida
started to get them
about two weeks
they’re saying millions of fish are dead
they just put a cap on
it they finally put some sort of a cap to stop it but
there’s reports
that there’s oil coming from more than one spot off the
ocean floor
which means that the pipe when it blew up
that it’s it’s possible that
there’s all sorts of ruptures further down the line
which means i’m
sure they would know that though i
think i don’t know
did they if you go on you
stream right now there’s nine cameras on you
stream on the
well what they’re talking
about is holes
miles yeah you
would just take like a little submarine
thing that would go and take
or you know
score the area you would see
oil coming out of the
water wouldn’t you
well there’s guys that have
things that they say are plumes that are inside the
water i don’t know you know
there was a guy on cnn
that was talking
about the possibilities
and he was just
a scientist that was explaining
what they’re trying to do
right now with the cap and what is
worst case scenario
and he said that
worst case scenario was there was holes
in other parts of the pipe further down the line
he said but that
right now appears to be highly unlikely
so he doesn’t know so
they said that is
worst case scenario
and if people online are saying that
that is the case
who knows we don’t know
it’s almost like a media
blackout like you’re
only allowed to get a certain amount of information
there’s people from
citizens radio
they put on
the jamie kilstein dude and allison kilkenny
they put on a bunch of
stuff on twitter where
all these people that live on the gulf
are accusing bp
of dumping sand onto oil that’s washed up on the beach
and they proved it they have
videos of it on youtube
where they’re showing the sand and they’re showing the
black shit that’s
underneath the sand
you know like they’re showing like
layers like they came here with trucks
and they dump sand on top of this oil instead of
cleaning the oil up
they’re like making it look like the oil
doesn’t exist wow
that’s fucking crazy shit
but you know they do that all the time putting sand and
rearranging sands on beaches that’s just a part of the
beach too you know
maybe it was just regular maintenance
not if they
cover all the oil
that doesn’t make any
sense no no they have i mean they
bring in sand to beaches they fucking rake beaches
every morning at some point
having a place but
brian that’s a lot of sand
i’m just saying the other
side you know
you know there’s no proof that
they fucking really bring
in sand to a whole
coastline when have they
ever done that
dude have they ever gone
miles and miles down the
beach they do it
daily they do it
daily it’s called
beaches beaches
some beaches
mostly public beaches they do that all the time
so they just
drive up with
trucks filled with
sand they redo beaches all the time
right but what do they do do they actually
bring sand every day they
replace sand from the
back of the
you know to the top
front you know to keep to the
beach going i
think we need to google this
are they rotating the sand
i think we need to google this why don’t you
google just
google bp covering oil with sand
and see if we
could find that
article and see what it says exactly because we’re
starting to
delve into the
world of we
don’t know what the fuck we’re talking about
but anyway the bottom line is this is a
giant fucking disaster
it’s a scary one man
i’m not saying that scientists
should stop working
on the higgs boston particle and stop working on the
large hadron collider
i mean i think
the whole i
think you should be able to do whatever
the fuck you want to do i’m not contributing to society
these guys are
is it gonna fuck up cancun
it could fuck up cancun
the oil spill
yeah i mean there’s out
alger you know they’re saying that they did it
i just did a porky pig there
there’s some sort of
microbes that they
yeah they’re saying this the allegations
there’s some sort
of microbe that they’ve developed that consumes oil
and you can
pour it on top of the oil and it actually eats the oil
i wonder if they
could do it on that kind of a
scale though
maybe it would take over
it would become some
giant fucking blob and eat in new york
you know once it gets hungry for oil runs out oil
and it starts eating tires and shit
you just need to dump some vinegar in the
ocean and let it
push it yourself
i mean aren’t tires tires are made out of oil
right isn’t it
yeah tires are made out of yeah i
think so me
petroleum tires yeah
you need oil for mostly can’t you imagine
if there’s a fucking disease like a microbe that
started eating people’s tires
and somehow another got over here from the golf efforts
if they poured this
stuff into the ocean
and some of it got out and they started
throwing on the streets of new york and
started eating people’s cars
eat your tires and shit
eat your sneakers you can’t walk in it
becomes a goddamn epidemic
we have to change over to hemp
hemp everything
that could really happen so
what’s the problem with
what’s the problem with
drinking bottled water
well there’s a lot of people that
think that it’s wasteful
and a lot of people that
think that you use up so much
in the construction of a bottle of
water and then the recycling is only so efficient
and you’re constantly contributing to this
ecological disaster we have
right now with recyclables and plastics and
you know all the shit that’s in the ocean
right now is
the recycle
business a fucking scam now is that what they’re saying
well penn and
tell you the
thing about
recycling the
bullshit incredible
i think penn and
tell you the
whole episode of bullshit on it
really yeah i don’t
remember the results though you know there’s sometimes
where you just gotta sing
obviously recycling is not a scam you
know have penn
and teller ever done an episode
of bullshit no
have penn and
teller ever done an episode of bullshit
where they decided
something isn’t bullshit when they were done
no they wouldn’t do that episode
you think so oh i don’t know
they should you know i
think they do they don’t he doesn’t
smoke no no no
no no we smoke we don’t
think they do
every now and then you gotta
you gotta mix it up yeah
they did an episode on martial arts man saying that
martial arts lessons
for the money
save you’d be better off just giving it to the mugger
by not taking them if you the
money you save by not taking martial arts lessons
you’d be better off just i mean they have to find that
conclusion they have to find the yeah that’s
retarded but that’s the dumbest
the dumbest
you already
know he doesn’t have an open mind that’s
not only that’s
not all bullshit
that’s someone who’s
never worked out you don’t
understand the benefits the clarity but
he’s tall as
fuck though
right he’s a
great guy i love that dude
somebody asked
adam on who
would win factor
i had him on fear factor
or i had him on he was on with
with teller
and i became buddies with them became
email buddies came to the comedy
store a few times and i hung out with him and did his
radio show a couple times to in
those moon hoax
debates but he’s a
great guy somebody
asked me the
other day who
would win between you two in a
fight and i immediately see i
said eddie because i know he
could he’s tapped you know you
fucking 12 years old
who would win in a
fight no no
but this is
kind of going along
the bullshit
mma question
and because you know that’s another
thing what they’re
saying is you know like if you do certain
mma’s it’s not
gonna if we
did a straight
jiu jitsu match
you kick my ass
right taps me all the time i
never even come
close to tapping in a real fight joey
kick my ass
see that’s what i said originally i said
heady but then i was like wait no no wait joe
could like you know
punch him my
standards my
kickboxing is probably better than my jiu jitsu
you know i don’t really do it anymore
i did karate
for a year don’t
don’t forget
about that you always forget about that
just but if we were the same size too
i’m like 30
pounds heavier than it
was yeah we’re the
same size shit
just can’t swallow
yeah so anyway so that is a
thing though like if you’re in a bar fight and
you know jiu
jitsu is two
people percent of
bar fights zoo hit two
first that’s 90
you know just 90
of avoiding bar
fights is don’t go to shitty bars
don’t hang out with douchebags get away when you see
things are going bad
right when people
start acting douchey you see it coming it’s
in the air you
smell it defensive
drive be nice
to people be careful you see
creep stay away there’s nothing
worse than drunk
motherfucking dudes who’ve been rejected all night
the club yeah
some guys get
drunk they hate
the world man
so aggro man because
chicks just rejected him all night
and then they see you with your girl and there’s like
three of them
and they just can’t fucking they can’t help
themselves and they can’t help being disrespectful too
it’s all so
unnecessary man it’s so fucking hard for people to get
their shit together
so hard there’s so many dickheads out there the
thing the bottom line is that we were saying
about martial arts
it’s not even
about learning how to
fight it’s that’s you’re rarely
gonna use that if it was just
about learning how to fight
like man how
often does it even come up you know you’re
just preparing for something that probably if you’re
a smart person will
never happen to you in your life
you got a shitload of benefits from it it’s like
when you play
chess you don’t just play
chess to learn how to
finish this one game and win
you play chess to
learn the strategy and to become involved in
long term planning out of
any sort of a situation you can apply
chess to your life
and the same
thing as jiu jitsu
same thing as any kind of martial
art you get better at anything
that’s really difficult and it makes you
better at everything else you do as well like jumping
yeah everybody jujutsu helps your
music and your music helps you jujutsu
i was talking
about your seminars before you answer that question
where are they
okay i got a couple seminars coming up
i got omaha
nebraska ten planet omaha
in not this saturday but next saturday
and then i’m going to be at
the very next saturday july 31st
i’ll be at the future home of 10th planet charlotte
for all the
information just go to 10th planet jj com and that’s
where they can order all
your dvds and books you go to 10th
planet jj com go on the forum
the new bureau
forum and all the
information just you
know look for the
charlotte or the omaha
seminar and they’ll be a flyer up and you’re all good
now don’t you
think that jiu
jitsu helps your
music and music helps you
jiu jitsu don’t you
think that anytime
you like you get
great at anything in your life that enhances all the
other things in your life
yes definitely
but with jujitsu you see constantly
with jujitsu
you see yourself
as a total retard with a certain move
and then you see
yourself practice and get good and then you master it
and you constantly see that with all
these different moves jiu jitsu
so gigantic
there’s a million different
you need three lifetimes
to master the
whole game of jujitsu
i mean i’ve been
doing jujutsu 16 years i got a lot of holes in my game
but i’m good at the
stuff that i focused on
and the stuff i
focused on and put the numbers and the reps
you see that constant so you see that
our bodies are magical
we have two people
inside of us the conscious person and the
person and you
wanna train
the conscious person so much
that that unconscious person the other dude
you’ve done it so much that he’s
gonna do it all then you become the
executive producer
like when someone’s
shredding on piano
they’re not calling
out the commands like this key that key that key
they did that in the beginning
but after a
while it’s like you’re
executive producing you have a song in your head
you look down you look in a certain area
and bam that person inside of you does it like
magic so once you see it in jiu jitsu
over and over
you realize
that our bodies are magical
they don’t work not just for jiu jitsu
but for anything if you decided to play
tennis guess what
the longer you play tennis
the longer you put the
hours in it
the better you get at
most people don’t see that most people
don’t have any confidence
in themselves whatsoever with anything they
think they can’t do that they
think that’ll
never happen
you can actually
do anything you really can you’ll get good at anything
if you focus on it
you put the
numbers you put the reps that’s what it’s all
about the only
thing that’s different between me and a
white belt in jiu jitsu
is the number
of reps that i’ve put in with
my certain style you know
and jiu jitsu
you realize that and it
brings your
whole other life up because
in other aspects of your life your day job or
your long term goal your
dream you’ll realize
damn all i gotta do is put the numbers in
whatever direct it is
it definitely jujutsu
definitely shows you in any
martial art any difficult endeavor shows you what your
what your potential is and how you can
expand your potential as a
human being
but what it
doesn’t give you
is creativity
creativity is a totally different
thing that’s attached to ambition and to
focus and intensity
there’s something
about creativity that comes from a very pure
place and you
could be a hard worker all you want
but you might not
be able to tap into the well of creativity
you know what i’m talking
about for sure you
gotta be born with it but you’re pretty creative
with your moves in
jiu jitsu so that isn’t there like
wouldn’t there be that
creativity oh
sure it’d be different jujutsu is
an art jujutsu
is an art i mean martial arts are arts
you know muay thai
is an art there’s an
art too like whenever i say like i’m doing commentary
and i’ll say
look at this beautiful combination
it is beautiful to me i’m not just saying it
that’s an art form that’s just
to me that’s a
painting that’s
an incredible dance
that’s a work
a masterpiece
like my favorite is
when anderson
silva finished off rich
franklin in the
second fight
there’s a fucking combination
where like nine out of 10 shots land
and he’s landing
punches and knees to the
body and he’s mixing them up and it’s fucking poetry
it’s ballet
you know that’s an artist doing that man
jujitsu is even more
creative than that because there’s so many more moves
with kickboxing
and wrestling and whatever
there’s take downs and there’s
controls and there’s a lot of different reversals and
stuff like that
with jiu jitsu
just the paths to the
the tree has so many
branches and there’s so many different ways to approach
each aspect of the game from the bottom from the top
so many different
sweeps and reversals and
so many different half
guard techniques and full
guard techniques it’s impossible to come to an end
you know it’s out of control and my
jiu jitsu and my music
it’s so parallel in so many ways it’s like
in jiu jitsu
i am not an athlete
i’m not explosive
i am not powerful
i can’t run fast
i can’t jump high
i am not an athlete
never was even when i
wrestled in high
school for a couple years
i got away on tricks
that i had to
think my way
past the athletes and
just to be able to hang with the real serious athletes
i’m not an athlete
same thing with my
music i am not a
virtuoso at any instrument
i don’t shred on anything
i just put it all together
you know and
it’s it’s a strange parallel that
you know but it’s
creativity because your
jujutsu is a very
creative jujutsu too the most creative in my opinion
and you know we’re
friends and i’m not supposed to say that because it
sounds like
oh that’s bullshit but it is
if i was just
a jujutsu analyst i
would say well here’s a guy who’s
i mean there’s
a lot of creative guys you know shembry’s creative you
know so many different guys are creative
but as far as like putting it together in a system
of all these
weird different positions and 90
of them you’ve invented and the ones you
haven’t you
know you credit all the different
individuals that contributed to whatever move
that’s an unusual
thing man that’s an incredibly prolific
career of just creating
jiu jitsu and putting it down i mean
very few human beings have ever done that
you look at your
system you look at your
system i mean and all the different
techniques that you’ve
added to you know to the whole nogi game
it’s a lot of goddamn techniques you know what
my i think my strongest
point is that
i don’t like
being raised with
just you know the
terrible household i mean with my stepdad
and my real dad and no one care
and then constantly
watching tv with sitcoms where everything
is just perfect i just
never believed
anything i thought everyone was bullshit me so
the same thing when i came into martial arts
i’m not loyal to any martial
art i don’t care
and growing up listening to
bruce lee and listening to what he had to say
about opening your mind and
don’t follow one style
i was really
influenced by
bruce lee and he was
right to me
cause my family was just not
it was not growing pains my family was not the brady
bunch it was terrible so
i just questioned
everything so as soon as karate
its karate seemed good i
started with karate
susans that didn’t pan out i saw
jiu jitsu i was gone
i don’t give a shit
about karate
i went to jiu jitsu
and as soon as i saw
the jiu jitsu
started becoming
what they were
claiming the traditional martial arts were
becoming just
brazilian jiu
jitsu became
close minded
and i was like i’m not
gonna keep in
some circles
yes yes exactly exactly
some guys are a lot really open minded yeah
generally generally 99
of the brazilian
jiu jitsu community
thinks tenth planet
jiu jitsu is mythical generally
but there are some people you know not everybody
but does that
frustrate the shit out
of you or what what does that feel like when you’ve got
you know all
these guys vinny magales
all these like high
level guys george sodoropolis you
know they go fucking
crazy for it and
they totally
fully believe in the system
then you got
other guys that are like saying oh
you didn’t invent that or we’ve been doing that
what do you think
about that i love it man i love the
stronger the resistance the longer it takes
for 10 planet to become
become you know
not mythical
as long the longer it takes the better it’s just
gonna be sweeter at
the end i love it i love the if there was no resistance
to my philosophies
and let’s say in 2003
have i when i decided not to
teach with the gee i decided to open up a
school no gee
and and let’s say
helio gracie back then and cotylinhos
if they said you know what
this american
is making a point
the reason why
jiu jitsu isn’t doing that good in
mma anymore
is the gi all
right everybody is
ordered to start
teaching without the gi
if they just all jumped on with me
cause i was doing this for
jiu jitsu i wasn’t doing it
to battle against the
brazilian jujitsu i was doing it for jujitsu i’m like
mma that was
doing it because that’s what you believe
i mean you’re doing it because i
was a big jiu
jitsu was in my heart
jiu jitsu as i was doing it for
jiu jitsu i was like let’s
bring jiu jitsu
back in mma
we gotta get rid of the geese
if everyone
would have agreed with me back then
first of all the
state of no
gee jiu jitsu would be
out of this
world it would be
crazy if everybody joined in and
just not me and my association if we all just agreed
and you know
there would be
you know 500 guys just like a lot of people listen
to this podcast have no fucking idea what we’re talking
about so let me just explain there’s
a whole different two different types of jiu
jitsu with a kimono or a gi
you know it’s like that karate
uniform on and a lot of guys do that
and there’s jiu jitsu
that you use no gi
and there’s a big
thing called the abu dhabi
world championships and
that’s where all the best
no gi guys in the
world fight
and the no gi
style is what you’re
gonna see in
mma because when you see guys use a gi all the time
they’re grabbing the gi
and they get used to controlling
their opponent with the gi
then when they have to
fight into the octagon
they have no
gi to hold on to and a lot of them look lost
and that’s responsible for a lot of the
early ufc fights
having really good
jiu jitsu guys but they couldn’t do shit when they fell
their back they couldn’t do
anything in certain positions they were used to handles
yeah they were used to handles now eddie
devised a whole
system entirely
based on no gee he abandoned the gee
and when he
started teaching he just went
total like mma
style does he give
you all the gees that he’s abandoned because you have a
whole closet for
right there by them bitches they
have think if you wear them to
500 geese and i don’t even wear the gee anymore
what was the question we’re talking
about we’re just talking
about jiu jitsu being
frustrated that you don’t get the
credit that you deserve
i like it man i love
him i love what’s
going on right now man well you know what is that a
green burst
why even worry
about that right just
cause i love
doing the good
stuff i love i love
everyday man
i realized and it would if
i didn’t really think
about it like
maybe five six years ago
it did bother me it did bother me that
you know when i decided to
open up a school without a geek
for jiu jitsu
the people that i was doing it for they turn
their back on me and
they made me
out to be like this traitor
it’s interesting i’m a traitor and i’m like
no i’m doing
this for us man it’s interesting when we’re talking
about how growing up in a shitty household
that when you have
this fucked up family life and then you see bullshit on
television how it makes you question
everything you’re forced to question everything
i had the exact same
experience my
life was not nearly as shitty as yours but
there was a lot of problems one my dad was
super violent
used to beat my mom and i saw it when i was a
young kid i saw it when i was like five
and i’ll never forget that shit i’ll
never forget
thinking that my dad was like my hero i thought
my dad was like this cool guy
and i saw my dad
smack my mother in the face over nothing and
dropped her
right in the kitchen
floor and i went running into the room to hide
and i’ll never forget
thinking at that moment in time
i can’t trust
anybody they
might all be fucking
crazy everybody’s wrong
i knew there was no reason
this is what my mom went to
go get something
for dinner and she came back home with hamburger
and that’s why he hit her
he was like hamburger and he fucking
smacked her in the face
and so from that moment on like
literally i’ve
questioned everything
that’s what made me become a
stand up comedian
people say oh were you a
class clown
i mean i said
funny shit every now and then in
class but what i
really was was a
class questioner
you know i was the
class guy the guy
would go why are you even saying that that
doesn’t make any
sense what about this you know
i was the guy
would get in trouble
for asking questions oh that was me too man yeah
if it all depended on the
teacher if the
teacher was weak and she had a
big heart i
crushed i was the
loudest always causing disruptions
but if mr enders
he didn’t give a fuck
so i was quiet as hell
i remember this girl told me
which you’re so
quiet in here
but in miss aspen’s class
you’re out of control
dude i gave her a
nerve i gave two
teachers a nervous
breakdown miss
franklin in the eighth
grade and in the
tenth grade
miss aspen i feel really bad
about them well i was
proud of it back then and um i
i wouldn’t be
proud of it now if i
got on a time machine and i went back i
would feel really bad that happened so long ago
i think she
might be all right i
got kicked out of
school for drawing cartoons of
teachers i would
draw cartoons of
teachers fucking
and like it really looked like them you know and
i drew this one spanish
teacher she
i had her without her makeup
i drew her with
she’d wear a
ton of makeup
so i do with
her makeup and then i drew one without her makeup
and i got expelled or got
suspended rather i got kicked
out of school
i remember like real
clearly though like the
first laugh i ever got
was like the
first time i was like wow that was kind of cool
was in a math
class where a
teacher was
upset at me
this teacher she had this really strong
urban accent
quote unquote
and she was this math
teacher and she was like really
just like just
aggressively cunty
i just didn’t like her i didn’t like her class
and i was talking
apparently and she goes mr rogan
since you know everything
would you like to come up here and do both of
these problems for this
class so i go
would you like me to do both of them problems
and the whole
place fell the fuck out like dudes just
started laughing and slapping tables
and she goes go ahead
laugh at mr rogan mr rogan is
going nowhere in life
and she she suspended me
she sent me to dean
thomas they suspended me
for fucking just
i mean come on man you’re teaching
math you don’t even know how to talk
english this is nonsense this is a dumb conversation i
would shoot spitwads and ms
franklin said
she had a big buffon hairdo
and we would
shoot spitpods we
would do some terrible stuff
i was terrible when i was
bored when i was
bored i just
did not want to pay attention i didn’t give a fuck
i wouldn’t fuck around in guys
classes though i’m
like i’m like i’m not
mr read my sixth
grade algebra
teacher mr fucking read
it was me bobby joyce and this
this cambodian
chick named pua mua
right puma was it was
if we laughed he
would get really mad so it was hard me and
bobby just go
a bobby joyce
and go here
uh edgar bravo okay
uh puamua you
say pua mua
that black voice dude
it was hard to contain i’ll
never forget pua
mua that’s a
just some something
about schools man when you really it’s not just
learning shit you’re you’re
going in there in this
intense environment it’s like preparing you for work
you’re getting prepared for
intense social
environments doing shit you don’t want to do around a
bunch of people
you don’t want to be around forced into a room together
you know and
it’s incredible that we put so little
effort into making sure
teachers are good
i mean it’s really amazing they
should get paid
about the same as doctors of some sort
at least family doctors
everybody agrees to that everybody but
nothing’s happening no one’s doing anything about
everybody agrees on it
you know what’d be cool why is make pot legal
and have like
ten percent of pot go to pay
teachers how
about that or they
should just charge money for
school that’s what i
think nobody
would go to school
with that man
people can people are barely getting by
especially people with kids
they’re barely getting by you can’t make them pay for
school it’s just incredible that we have all this
money for fucking relief to israel and all this
money for the afghan war and iraqi war we got all this
money but we don’t have enough
money for fucking teachers
that’s incredible
that we care so much
about our future
that we want to deal with the problems that we have
right now and
spend every fucking dollar we have
throwing money at it
but we don’t want to look at the
foundation of what
causes fucking problems in our own country
what causes so much
crime what causes so much
civil disarese
school so many retards so many
dummies school
should have some kind of profit
though you know
some kind of
like advertising you know like have banner ads
or you know
they need to update the
school system probably like overhaul
and changes it’s not
weird that it’s
free to make
it fun isn’t it
weird that it’s actually no it’s not
weird cause you’re paying
taxes for it man
what if there was like reality
shows based on
third graders
you know man
it needs to be fun for kids
that’s where kids
learn kids learn when it’s fun
everything is not supposed to be boring
everything is not supposed to suck
that’s not natural
and the reason why kids hate it
is because it feels like shit
it’s not fun
there’s got to be a way to make
becoming enlightened
becoming educated becoming
having your life enriched with new information that
should be fun for kids and positive
the fact that we set them up with fucking shitty
teachers in shitty
schools and
under motivated people
that can’t control people like
eddie in their class
you know just old
ladies i’ll kill an old lady but dudes
i had this one dude mr
white mr white was a vietnam
vet and always wanted to tell us about it
always want to tell us
about vietnam and
you would always snap
like if you ask for a pencil one time we
asked for a pencil some dude asked for a pencil
mr white pulls out his desk drawer
throws it across the
floor filled with pencils and shit hurls this shit
he goes go get a pencil
go pick up a pencil
and the kid got up
grabbed pencil
went back and
sit down nobody said a fuck a word for the rest of
class were like this dude just
threw a drawer
filled with pencils
like are you allowed to do that today
that part guy
would probably be in jail well
i used to have a
teacher like i
would always
sleep in class and he
would come and
full on soccer kick the bottom of the the
table so you
bam you know the
fucking it would
wake you up and
scare the fuck out of you at the same time it was the
worst and it fucking hurt it
was it was like that much
desk in between him kicking me in the fucking head
how rude what a rude
man mr allen
jason allen’s dad
wrestler when a spitwad lady
she had a nervous
breakdown and we brought in a substitute
teacher big buff dude he was
gonna come in
and he heard
about me i wasn’t
gonna fuck with them but i
still make the
class laugh he
would actually make me
stand in a corner if i do
i wouldn’t do anything i was just
standing there
and people were
laughing cause
like my face
wait a minute he made you
stand in a corner but you didn’t do anything
to be made to
stand in the corner
little things
with my face like i wasn’t like no man how’d you get
stuck in the corner
i don’t remember but i do remember being in the corner
and just like really being into the wall
like i was staring at the wall that
people were
still laughing and that guy said fuck this
class cause he couldn’t really do anything to me
cause i wasn’t saying anything i was just
standing and everybody was
watching me
no matter what i did
he just went insane too
wow what a nightmare yeah yeah it was
crazy man and you got a lot of pleasure out of that
right i loved it
we would turn off the
lights you would have the
crazy thing is
how come you
never became a comedian
well i did do it a little bit and i realized
you tried it nine times how
come you didn’t keep
going because i realized that
just like jiu jitsu
just like surfing
just like mountain biking
that if you want to get really good at it
you have to
spend a lot of time
crafting it and putting together
a 10 minute set a 15 minute set
and then i realized wow
you can’t this isn’t something you
could just get up on
stage and you’re a bad
you have to carefully
craft it practice it go up
do all these open mics
you gotta you
know it’s an art
and i realized man i don’t have time for another art
like i would like to
learn how to surf
i don’t have time for it
i would like to
learn how to motocross like with the
motorcycles and jumping dirt
things and all that shit
i would love that but
i don’t have
there’s not enough time in the day yet
so i decided you know what
the best move is to
just fucking focus on jiu jitsu and
music and that’s it man i got i got a i can’t be
spreading myself then todd
white told me that he goes dude you’re
spreading yourself then dude
that’s not good focus
and i’m like you know what i got and plus it sucked
big gigantic
donkey balls buffalo balls
to bomb on stage
like at least half the time i bombed
i was just like too nervous man i was just
super nervous i went up there and it was just death
i’ll never forget
the worst time i bombed i came off
joe cause i was joe’s project
and like joe had shit writing on me because he was
having me cut in line
at sunday night open mic night when there’s like
50 people waiting in line all day
joe would just say put them on
right before me
like i would cut in and the comedians
are going that’s
fucking bullshit but joe was running the comedy
store so they
would just put me in
no experience ever
i’d go on stage
and a couple of times
i did all right joe came and goes all
right dude that
was pretty good dude that was pretty good
i like what you said
about that i like what you said
about that now
let’s do this now cut that out edit this out
the worst bombing i came out joe said
all right come here follow me
so he takes his fucking back
and like i could see him
thinking like how we
gonna do this
cause it was
like he had a safe face too like it was for him
you know and
it was really bad it was like the stripper
like it was like
i didn’t even tell jokes i just went on
stage like i was just
obsessed like i don’t know you
had some good some bits you had some bits
the one that
the two that i had that did the best was when i talked
about when i had sex with the one
one girl in a rag
yeah in the
total darkness
when i turned on the light
it was just
blood everywhere
that was alright people were
kinda into that a little bit
and then the
other one was
about my dad the very
first time i went up that’s gave me the confidence
first time i went up i talked
about my dad and what the dick he was or something
and i got a couple
laughs and i was like damn
oh my god i
think i could do this oh shit i
think i could do this fuck that comedy
store open mic
night there’s
an air of sad and pathetic there’s like
a vibe in the air that’s very difficult to cut through
and especially during
those open mic night sets
it’s like you
don’t even really know what comedy is when you’re doing
those because you’re doing them for
these weird
crowds that have only seen people
eat shit for fucking the last hour and a half they
haven’t seen
anybody any good yeah
i mean that’s how it is in the beginning open mic
nights they’re terrible
i was terrible in the beginning
everyone’s terrible in the beginning and you’re
going you know there’s five six
seven terrible people in a row
it’s weird those kind of shows are so weird
i had to make
a choice man that was the last time i was on
stage was the comedy
store sunday night and
i don’t know
after i got off i was like you know what i’m just
i don’t like you said i need
to put way more energy
into this and
i’m not spending
three hours that night
otherwise it’s not
gonna be fun
yeah well i think
it’s one of
those things it has to be a big
focus in your life
you can’t i mean even when i’ve put it on the side even
while i’ve been doing it for so long
you know like when i was doing news radio
for a long time
i was not writing anything new i was not putting much
effort in the comedy at all i wasn’t
excited about it
i was like all of a
sudden i was on this tv show
and i was like you know i’m
going wow i
guess i’m doing tv shows now you know
and i’m just
still gonna kind of do
stand up just to keep it you know that’s my base that’s
where i started
but i wasn’t passionate
about it so for like
a good solid two years i just didn’t
write much i went on
stage and then i bombed a couple times man
and i had some
people come to see me and i had a bad set
and i realized
i’m like you know i am not putting a lot of
effort into this like this is like some
weird shit where i’m like
i’m doing comedy like
every now and then but i’m
known as a comedian so i’m
going up and
i’m not having good
sense they’re not tight and so
i totally rededicated this is like
right before my first
album in 1999
and like 96 97 i had some
those are the years like 96 97
where i was barely doing comedy
i go up i do a set
every now and then but i didn’t give a shit about it
it’s not even that i didn’t give a shit
about it i was just so
caught up with the fact that i was on a
television show and that’s
where all my
effort was going to
was what was one of the
first jokes you remember
the oldest one bad or good
oh they’re all terrible come on i remember one
um i remember a bad one about um
this is my impression
of a good looking girl getting pulled over by a cop
do you realize how fast you’re going
no do you like my
tits yes i do
here’s a warning
i like the ending yeah
yes i do here’s a warning
that was one of my
earliest bits
oh shit one of my
other earliest pits was
julia child getting
eaten out by a raccoon
that was like open like day two
oh shit oh oh
lovely lovely little friend oh
so stupid i love that it’s so dumb
it’s just silly
this is the shit that i
would think was funny when i was 21 you know
this is where it all came from and you know what’s
funny too is
one another
major factor was
it was always running through my hands like how can i
ever be as good as joe
you know we were
talking about we had the same we would if i if
put some time into we
would end up being kind of like the
we talk about the same things
and you were just so good you know you
still are i mean you’re fucking amazing
it was just
like how the fuck can i ever get that good i just
gotta focus
on it no you
could have done it
anybody can do it it’s if you’re
funny if you’re good at comedy
and you’re objective and
you have a lot of time
and you have to be objective
and you have to
just focus on it just make it something
that you concentrate on you know what helps me the most
is listening to myself and listening to tapes and
evaluating so important all that
stuff so important you
could do it anybody
could do it all
you have to do is just do it it’s just like jiu jitsu
all you have
to do is just put the energy into it put the
effort into it you’d figure it out and not having a
girlfriend or boyfriend
a boyfriend
if you’re a girl
if you’re a girl there’s a girl
here i know
if you’re talking
about comics
all men here so
talking about
comics i don’t
think that’s true i
think everybody’s got
their own different situation and sometimes
it’s good to have a
girlfriend because then you feel
like you have comfort you know i know a lot of due to
you know the world of
stand up comedy is like you know it’s fucking
scary to them
you’re out there
on your own trying to make it trying to
having someone
that you live with that supports you to a lot
of people that gives them energy and strength you know
so a lot of people like they do way better having a
girlfriend or being
married everybody’s got
their own thing
but if you have a
girlfriend she’s gotta be
understanding that you
spend all these time all this
time at the clubs you have to be constantly working
almost every
night you have to be out doing it
especially in the beginning
that will kill the relationship
kills your social life and that’s material
right there kills
your social life
but then your social life becomes like the comedy club
world which is when dudes
start cannibalizing it’s what i call
cannibalizing is when
a male comedian
starts dating a female comedian
they become cannibals
start eating
their own yeah
as soon as you
start doing that you’re fucked right
how many guys have pulled that off there’s like three
tommy segura and his wife are both hilarious and cool
that’s that one works but
other than that hmm
that shit don’t work
son my friend was telling me
about when he
broke up with his
girlfriend that
she’s on she’s on a tv show like a popular tv show
and that like one day he was feeling so down and his
he comes to his
apartment his neighbors watching
twenty four don’t say the name of the show
well there’s a lot of
girls there’s only two girls on the
whole show well that’s
game now but like how like
they had their windows
open and he was just like walking up to his door and
suddenly he
heard his ex
voice or whatever
like voice just
haunting him ever there’s
billboards when he’s driving around and it was like
that kind of sucks living in the city to the
to one point like i only want
to date gaffers and key grips now you know because i
i don’t wanna like date an actress
and have her make it big and then have her fucking
everywhere i go you know
i’m already
having problems on like being at the airport
right now you know and seeing whoa look who it is
lindsay lohan
you know but
you know i’m talking
about how high
is this motherfucker
he’s just i see
i see what you see
you see what i’m saying
yeah yeah yeah you
definitely it’s very
true your exes
you date angelina jolie and she
breaks up with
you and then she’s on the
cover of people
magazine fucking some new dude you like whoa
like that shits at the airport it’s rough
yeah yeah no
key grips i just think that
one of the reasons why i
think comics
should not date
comics why i call it cannibalism is because
they’re too much like you
you know i don’t
think that’s how a relationship works out well i
think relationships work out well when you’re different
when you’re different you enjoy each
other’s company but
you’re different you’re two totally different things
when you’re both trying to make it as a comic man
fucking good luck good luck with the balance
of needing this there you
know and i’m not saying i’m a picnic i’m not saying any
comics a picnic i’m saying a
comic and a
comic together that’s like two magnets
you know i mean
maybe it’ll work i mean i
would never say it
wouldn’t work your situation
could be totally different than mine
especially when you’re a
comic that you’re in the la
comic scenes pretty tight so when you
break up you’re fucking
in shows with your ex well
that’s what our problem with our friends we have
two we have two friends and one friend
broke up with this girl or
should i say the girl
broke up with him
and he was very
upset by this it was a devastating
break up and
right afterwards
our friend a very good friend
starts dating this chick
yeah and it got really creepy
but ask permission
first got permission to fucker
which i think is the most hilarious thing ever
fucker just don’t date her
like you can’t say that
first of all
i don’t think you can tell anybody what to do
the guy chose his own medicine
and so you know
and for the guy
the guy who
wound up dating this girl
who was his friend’s ex girlfriend
you know for him it’s like well here’s
this perfect person for me and what i’m supposed to
you know i’m supposed to let this go just cause some
other asshole can’t get over the fact that you
know come on man get over it dude
you and her didn’t have a
thing together but i’m in love with her
i’m gonna spend the rest of my life with her
now i can’t because you got hurt feelings fuck you
so i can see his
point of view too
but not me i
could never do it i would
not no that’s to me that there’s other
women out there i don’t care how
cool she is you
gotta respect
the feelings
you wanna hurt your fucking friend
you wanna hurt your friend over some pussy
especially they were good friends too
i looked at
every girl that used to date one of my friends as a guy
yeah you only rape them
that’s it rape them no relationships
could only be a one
night stand
only in the butt
no you gotta you
gotta say that’s off
limits forever there’s a lot of
human beings
in this life you don’t want to make someone
upset for no reason like that
you could avoid that shit
the problem is people can decide that this is the one
he’s the one you know
especially if they can’t have you
bitches man bitches
what is what
do you think
celebrity marriages
have end up in divorce at the same rate as just regular
marriages no
way way more you
think so oh for sure
people in this city period
that shit son
let’s find out but i
would say yeah for sure those
crazy assholes
how many mel gibson’s out there can keep a fucking
marriage together
how how did mel gibson’s wife stay
with his ass for so long that’s what i want to know
hollywood marriages
money is that what it is
and he’s not
gibson man how do you
break up with
braveheart you know
with a billion dollars
crazy as fuck
uh yeah whatever what do you find in
it just says duh duh no just kidding no it
doesn’t i haven’t found it it’s that’s kind of a hard
well how can you even judge
i mean it just sent bright percentage of celebrities
break up as opposed to percentage of civilians
but isn’t it weird how like like
the biggest players of all end up
like rock stars and
super actors and all that shit
it’s like they always end up marrying
and settling down with another celebrity it’s like the
bitch has gotta be a celebrity
or it’s not good enough
right well i think it’s because
first of all they get
sucked up into that world
where that’s who
you’re hanging around with all the time and there’s an
extra charge you know
if you’re dating some
chick and she’s on the
cover of sports illustrated
like holy shit there’s like an extra
jolt to that
that people find
attractive especially people who are in that
whole celebrity world
especially guys that can get any normal non celebrity
chick and then like a celebrity chick
it’s the same
thing with like hot chicks
look at celebrity dudes way differently
than just regular dudes that’s for damn sure i mean
routers are saying that 50 percent
while nearly 50 percent of
hollywood marriage
regular marriages
fail that 70
of hollywood marriages
yeah that makes
sense yeah it’s the
whole idea behind it is look
all celebrity is is some
crazy trick
you are tricked into
thinking that someone else is special
especially if it’s celebrity
just for celebrity
just for the sake of celebrity
actors and stuff like that
i mean there’s
actors that you respect because they’re talented but
it’s not like an author
there’s a celebrity author
someone whose work has
really profoundly affected you
there’s something
there’s some sort of a special
connection to that where
you have this love for this guy because of what
he’s produced like wow you produce some amazing stuff
but there’s a lot of people that are
famous just because they got on a show
and then they’re
just like reading someone’s lines and they’re in a
movie and whatever it’s like
that’s a bizarre
bizarre life
you know that life
doesn’t make any
sense like you’re you’re
treated so much better than the average person
rose garden
everybody fucking loves you know rose bud rose
rosebud bush
rosebud i might
bury you in the rose bush
you talking
about orson wells
citizen kane no i’m talking
about mel gibson crazy fuck
what did he say i’ll
bury you in the rose garden is that what he said yeah
yeah but what i’m saying is that
your whole psychology gets fucking mangled
you know it
doesn’t make any
sense so the
world doesn’t make any sense
you don’t have the
right your character is wrong
your character as a
human being is
wrong because the amount of energy that you’re getting
for the amount of effort and
that you’re putting out is all out of balance
you know like
that’s one of the reasons why celebrities go fucking
crazy is cause they think the
world is crazy
how could the
world not be
crazy if you’re
kissing my ass and i’m driving a bentley
and i’m making millions of people are
screaming to see me
everywhere i go they’re taking
photos of me that’s
insane this
world is crazy
of course you’re
gonna become
crazy too but the
thing that happens that i notice is with artists
especially when they become like
super famous
there’s like a burst
where they can hang in there for a bit
they hang in there
for a few years and keep producing and then ultimately
they just get soft and it dwindles off almost
like to a person
almost to a person once
their celebrity
hits that super peak
they become big and famous
they can hang in there and produce for a few years
but then eventually
their creativity just dries up
i think it’s
their connection
to the universe
dries up that’s what i think i
think they lose appreciation
for life they become a douchebag
and then they just don’t have the
connection anymore that’s why all that’s
why all eyes are on the double rainbow guy right now
like a couple
months he’s
gonna be like
that fucking rainbow
shit you know
load up double rainbow there’s
a clip that
jimmy kimmel
twittered and
i watched it and it’s this dude who’s seen a rainbow
and his two rainbows
yeah he fought he had an
mma fight everyone’s seen that big fat guy and
he everyone’s seen what double rainbow yeah that
thing try it eddie hasn’t seen it what
i haven’t heard of it
are you fucking serious dude you can’t say everybody
three million hits out of
three hundred million people in this country
alone how many in europe and how many in asia
wow you can’t say everybody
anyway it’s fascinating
this guy just goes
crazy when he sees these rainbows
for whatever reason don’t do that that shit didn’t work
it was just that
video i wasn’t yeah
anyway this
double rainbow guy
on that no it’s on brian
brian’s it be cool
brian could play with you i
think you can
i just don’t know how to
do it do you know how to drag that shit into you stream
producer brian
not on youtube i
think you actually have to have the video so
oh really yeah
all right hold on here
i thought it can show a web page that you’re viewing
all right here we go
whoa whoa oh my god oh my god oh my god whoa
oh haha wow wow
this is just seeing a rainbow oh my god look at that
what he says it look like a triple rainbow
oh my god it’s full on
double rainbow all the way across the sky oh my god
he’s crying here by the way
he says it knocked him over
knocked him down he was at one
point and i started weeping
the energy from the rainbow knocked him down
what does this mean
what does it mean it means mushrooms work
what does it mean
oh my god it’s so bright and vivid
in his defense they are pretty awesome they’re awesome
yeah probably
the best rainbow i’ve ever seen i know but this guy
sounds like he’s
got a bag of leprechaun
gold in his hand while
christy brinkly sucking his dick just
yeah it looks
like there’s just a rainbow a gigantic
ufo like a hundred yards
above the surface or something
and they’re communicating
you know what’s even better than that is all the
music that has
been coming out and i was talking to my friend the
other day this
this song is so
great that i
would actually buy
the single off of
itunes and that is from some dude looking at a rainbow
explain what song you’re talking
about okay there’s a couple of
these songs that have come from this
video where
people have
song parody
right in this
video there’s one that is so good that i would
i mean that’s like well it’s
i don’t know
which one this is let’s see what this one damn
well this double rainbow dude
it’s an auto tune oh wow oh my god
oh wow
i like this auto tune rules
purple rainbow that’s a whole rainbow
wow this is good man
it sounds like one republic
haha oh my god
that’s great
okay and then
there’s a there’s actually another one that takes a
whole different
approach that’s like kind of like tim and eric
style it no
no no we don’t hear
more double rainbow songs
was it kind of like scratching that
double double rainbow
you know it’s like a
whole different
i think that’s auto tune
you can’t fuck with that that’s the
do you really like auto tune songs though that
drives me nuts
i do not only
when brothers do it
it’s cool when
brothers do it but
a white guy in a rock
band can’t do it election man i like
that’s what i like
about biggie
notorious big
his it was all
about the inflection the way he
would talk and
rhyme and punctuate but
he’d never sang
it doesn’t matter it’s
even when they
sing if it’s auto tune and i really singing
i like little
wayne’s auto tune
stuff i admit yeah i like it
i still like it
like i can do it
being overused
but i mean there’s a lot of
music that uses it nowadays
that you know most of the time i
think it’s okay and it
sounds better than hearing britney
spears going
you know like without it you know
is that what she
sounds like yeah dude look
that double rainbow guy
sounded amazing can you imagine what britney
spears could sound like
she’s already
using it dude yeah you
could put a lot of shit together with that for sure it
just sounds
gross to me
it’s missing so much
i’ve been really getting into the
black keys lately
you listen to
black keys at all
yeah i downloaded all their
albums damn they got some good fucking songs man
i listened to them all the way to
ontario improv
every night this weekend
when i was doing shows there
every time i
drove up there i listened
to black keys
oh this weekend i’m at
before i forget
because i forgot to say at the beginning of the
show yeah that’s the
ticket i’m at the john lovett’s
comedy club saturday night
john lovett’s who’s my friend
that i never talked to
we did a season of news
radio he’s a good dude you
think he’s gonna come down
i doubt it i don’t
think he has anything to do with that
place really
oh he just hasn’t anything
it’s like just his name i don’t know though just
guessing yeah
yeah that’s it put my name up there see that is the
worst james cagney john
what was his character back in the day and saturday
night live again
that’s the ticket
we would lie and say that’s the ticket
right i can’t do any impressions
i fucking suck you just gotta use your voice
get on the horse
who’s that john wayne
he’s doing an impression of someone doing an
impression of peter fonda
peter fonda
jimmy stuart give me
i don’t know what you’re talking about do an impression
of someone that was
born after 1960
uh reshave here good
no no that was terrible it was terrible
he’s got already down good do it joe okay
a joke do an re joke
you like plugging i don’t like dating jewish women
this is see this this what i look like
this is what a jew looks like see this nose
these eyes that’s called a jew
you wonder what jewish women look like bam same thing
i don’t know i don’t know not that good
joey is way back mumble mumble
yeah the joey one i’ve got down over decades
i’ve only been making fun of ari i can’t
do an ari impression no one nobody
i bet you can i can’t i wish i
could i would be doing it
i can’t do shit i used to have a real good mike tyson
but i don’t anymore
mike tyson’s kind of easy right yeah yeah
yeah it’s you know that’s why i never really liked
because there’s a trick and the
trick is you like oh shit he sounds just like that guy
and that makes anything
extra funny
it’s like it’s kind of entertaining
i could put some good material on top of it if i
could do dr steve brule
or at least i could a couple weeks ago
but i might have lost it come on i lost it come on
wait never mind i have to hear it no no no no do it
i’m dr steve bro hey you got some vinegar on your
driveway just put some vinegar on it to be
stupid that sounds like max eberly hey
you know you might be a loneliness friend but who cares
about all that dumb thing look at my dingus hey
you sound like that
jimmy the stand up comedian on
south pole hey put my dingus on there
all the girls want to see my dingus
puts it on i don’t even
know who first
of all i don’t know who you’re talking about who’s dr
steve burrow
dr steve bruh
john c reilly on
the tim and i oh okay
i’m sorry i’m
a little bit then i
sound a little bit hey
you know you guys
if you want to be with me you got to come over here
i’m doc just put some milk on it
get some table kick please
it’s not too bad
i kind of i
heard it would be way better
an impression
i kind of understand that you’re doing an
impression it’s not terrible
i’ll try harder
next time i’m rooting for you some dudes
just do all
impressions though
like when you see like someone’s act they do like all
impressions that
drives me fucking nuts yeah
i don’t want to see that
especially when like all of them
sound the same
and they’re only really good at the really ups
like oh this is pacino
yeah some cares about
you know who’s got
really good
impressions is jay moore
holy shit have you ever
heard is colin
quinn his colin
quinn is fucking brilliant
and his walk
ins really good too he’s got a really good walking
i used to be
oh i got one
impression but no one
would know it but
there was a german
thrash band in the 80s called creator they’re probably
still around
and they barely
spoken to english and
and like i’m not even
gonna do it it’s terrible
it’s terrible
well i’m sorry
it’s hard you
wanna do it yeah go
ahead man okay there’s
my favorite creator song is called
the pestilence okay
they don’t know any
english so there’s not too much banter in between songs
so here it comes
this one is the best of
lords that’s it
you just killed people’s eyes
what’s the deal with your
voice why was it so loud that was the pestilence
that’s all i
can do that’s a pretty goddamn good version of that
i have no idea
this one is the best
of luck that’s
eddie bravo
get it together cocksucker
eddie bravo you just blew my ears get it
together cocksucker you blew my fucking eardrums out
here i’m smoking a bone with the cat trying to
enjoy my off time
even dr j could
have helped me listening to a little fucking podcast
now i got crackles in my
speakers cocksucker
okay you know what we
could do we can do
since joey’s
not here with us he was supposed to be here with us
let’s talk about
ufc oakland
and you give us your
predictions joey karate
ufc oakland
chill son and
versus anderson
silva the spider
the spiders in the house
and chill sons got a can of
raid cocksucker
shits gonna get
crazy chill sons
gonna look for that double
double wide double leg whatever
look for that fucking take down
but the spiders got
those knees
he comes up with them
like oj simpson in that fucking hurts commercial
boom up with
those knees
he’s gonna he’s
gonna put a
record all made of henzo gracie
revenge enzo gracie
revenge cocksucker
ricardo are made a
student of the great henzo gracie
victim of matthews matthews
stand up performance leg kicks punches his first tko
standing in ufc history
but ricardo i made a big
dogs not hearing it bro big dogs back is back for more
big dog is gonna
start out with an inside leg kick
right to the balls on purpose
sorry much respect
he’s gonna take all the
fight out of the country
boy there’s your fucking country breakfast cocksucker
matt hughes with the fucking ground and
pound he’s the godfather of it respect
respect to the godfather
who else is on the card
big big country in junior dos santos respect the gut
big countries coming
dropping bombs on your mom’s fuck car alarms
big country is the best fat man
fighting in the ufc today
there’s no one even close what’s his
what’s his name that just knocked
that just knocked out tight todd duffy mike russell
mike russell
is a close second
but big countries right up in there
big country would have done it with the
first punch that’s a difference though
don’t let that fucking big
gi joe looking motherfucker beat on you for
three rounds land that punch early
learn respect
um roy nelson
junior dos santos though
any motherfucker willing to go outside with those ears
that’s a tough dude
that dude doesn’t give a fuck he’s got a
mouse living in his left ear
he feeds it it keeps them company in between rounds
he’s working on a fucking squirrel in his
right one you know what i’m saying
junior dos santos
let me tell you something febrezio
verdum’s ears are
still wiggling from the last time dos santos hit him
he hit him with that uppercut and he
started tuning into 97 one the ff
hawk station
he heard a he heard a system warning
and then alarm clock started
going off in his head all right
that’s how hard junior dos santos hits
who knows it’s the fat man against the banger with a
mouse living in his ears it’s a goddamn tarzan movie
angel’s got his wings
those bells are the angels
oh thiago alvez coming up against my man john fitch
the grinder comes out through the same johnny cash song
god’s gonna cut you down bitch
let me tell you something
tiago alva is gonna try to cut you down too
that motherfucker’s got glue in his
brain you hear what i’m saying somebody
stuck glue in his brain and he don’t give a fuck
he wants revenge
he’s a totally different animal from the
first time you guys met he wants revenge
but john fitch ain’t
hearing it john fitch is a different animal as well
he’s got his
black felt from dave camarillo
brazilian jiu
jitsu gorilla style
ready to take him down
grind it out
it’s a fucking battle
to the finish
ladies and gentlemen
tiago alvez leg kicks and john fitchwood
elbows to your fucking head
i’m getting
fired up where’s my
blood pressure
medication i’m
fired up just listen to this
so beautiful oh that was wonderful
for those of you that
don’t know we do
an mma review a ufc review and
a preview it’s called 10th planet kush
joey’s just the best no one can predict
fights better than
joey he’s the best it’s so entertaining the most
hilarious person i’ve ever met in my whole life
like just for hanging out with them
nobody’s funnier
on just a regular basis over everything
about everything about anything
he could read he
could just read a book you could pick up a book he
would just start reading it and be funny yeah
yeah i love that guy he can talk
about anything
you could have joey
and just you know turn on the news
here’s lindsay
lohan what do you think does this motherfucker
somebody did her proper and they would just go off
about lindsay
lohan and the jokes start flowing
the other day
me when you were on stage me and joey were way too
stoned so we were just sitting in the
green room looking at it
and then he’s like
let’s do a podcast
and i’m like what and he’s like do you got any
other recorders i’m like alright let’s do a podcast
so we’re gonna
we recorded 10 minutes
we’re just gonna
throw these podcasts anytime we’re together
it’s just called cats and it’s just me and him talking
about cats for ten
minutes beautiful
that’s beautiful man let me tell you
about captain samurai captain samurai
lives in my backyard
he’s got scratches on his face he looks like
bruce lee from
enter the dragon
remember when
he came out and the guy hit him with the claw
yeah that’s my cat
he’s got like nine cats
right check out
episode he actually has nine cats too outside oh
tell people how to
what is it just
called tenth
planet kush
tenth planet
kush and go to episode 15 and 16
those are joey
at his best 15 and 16 10th
planet kush
his name is his character his
ufc review character is joey karate
but his real name is joey diaz
it’s fucking
priceless during your value
yeah joey’s always with me on the road i
think he’s coming with me saturday
night i gotta ask him i
think he’s coming saturday night
he doesn’t have anything else booked
uh at the john lovett’s
comedy club but he did all weekend in ontario he’s
he’s just the funniest dude i know
it’s just so fun to hang around with he always brings
an element of the
party you know like whenever we do shows without joey
they’re still fun as fuck
but there’s something
about having joey around and just he
brings the party
you know the
party starts when joey gets there
you know cause he don’t give a fuck
fuck yeah he’s like
the ultimate flavor flav but funny
yeah you know
like a funny flavor flav
you know it’s just like he’s just
the ultimate hilarious dude
do you think the gay people have
flashlight smoothies
where after they’re done with their
flashlights to just put a
straw in it and like walk around the
house slurping out of the hole oh dude
brian this we i’m sure you can just google it i’m sure
what would be someone there’s gotta be some sort of
drinks load
out of flashlights
just google that
video now what’s the latest
what’s the latest with the real doll type technology
they hit a wall
they hit a wall they had a wall
apparently according
to chris the dude who works at flashlight
the vagina in the real doll is hard and not comfortable
doesn’t feel good
doesn’t feel like the flashlight
listen man i don’t need to be fucking some rubber doll
i know it’s not a person i’m not pretending
okay a flashlight to me is perfect
just and it
doesn’t have to look
like a vagina either stop just make it a hole alright
so i don’t feel it it’s creepy
just make it a hole
that i stick my dick in and i
shoot a load into i don’t need to fuck some fake doll
and do a doggy style and
put her hands
on my balls and shit i don’t need that that’s just
gross to me that’s even more gross
it’s like you’re pretending it’s a person
i’m not pretending it’s a person i’m just trying to
shoot a load here
alright pretending it’s a person just how
about a flashlight that’s like
that you put on like a head like
one of those helmets like a
virtual reality
helmet you see
like a dick but it’s not yours obviously you see it
and whatever
that girl does in that
virtual reality
world like she suck
like that flashlight that you have and had
it like moves on the inside it’s like controlling
feels like a mouth
it grabs your
you know what i mean
it’s the exact
same strokeage
you know if it’s
going up how cool
would that be i
would use that shit
program i would
pay like nine hundred
bucks for that yeah
with helmets
acts like that and they had a code and that code
would transmit
to the flashlight
say if you add
each video each
video was coded
you know so you
would take someone and they
would figure out how to program into the computer
so that the hands or whatever the fuck mechanical
thing that you
would have that controls
the movement on the flashlight
would move in conjunction with what’s on the
screen it would be like
a basic computer program
so like you know if you’re out of town your wife
could send make a
video for you she
could send it
you plug it in that’s
heart attack
then you know what i mean
how does someone interpret
what she’s doing
she can make a
video of you jerking off another dude what the fuck
or we have to be you
jerking off you
yeah yeah you would ever have to you
could be live or you’d have
to be really open minded do came out like alive
so i could see and i’ll just jerk off at them
it’s way better than just porn
yeah some dudes are into that some dudes are into guys
watching guys fuck their wives
have you seen idiocracy no
i keep hearing about it no i haven’t
so much like yeah
it’s so much
one of my favorite
shit that people said that yeah a lot of people oh dude
but it’s good it’s by my judge
but that’s not an idea that is uniquely mine
the idea that people are getting dumber i
think everybody who’s paying attention
thinks that people are getting dumber
like a lot of people are getting
smarter but a lot more getting dumber
you know this is not just like you know
when i was a kid people were
smarter and all that grandpa bullshit
there was a fact
that i read on the internet that the average kid high
school kid in 1960
had 200 more words
in their vocabulary than the average kid in 2010
what was the
first year 1960
what about the new words that are ad like with
ebonics and all that
stuff about
slang words
there’s a lot of new shit
yeah do those count though
if they’re not in the dictionary they don’t count
how the dictionary how popular does
something have to be before it gets in there
i don’t know
cause i know there’s a lot of words that you
would think would be in there by now you
know shits lol
how about giving
knuckles and with the explosion remember
joey i thought joey was the only one doing so did
i he make that up
no i thought he made it up but then everyone’s probably
didn’t make it up
right nobody
else spread those
like six years ago
joey would i
thought joey made it up me too
what if he did it and he just didn’t know it
i don’t think so
cause now you see it in
movies all the time yeah everybody’s doing it
i hate doing it now because it
feels so dumb yeah i do it when we get on
stage i do it all the time i was doing that
before it was popular
yeah we do that all the time we get on
stage but you know
i feel like one part of me says
that yeah don’t do it because everybody else is doing
the other part he
says who gives a
fuck it’s better than the shaking hands
hey but i do it backwards now if you
start with the explosion
and then you go to
the fists that’s too creative
you’re trying too hard son it’s better
that’s the editor inside of you that
doesn’t make
sense to me
to make sense
to me i want to touch
knuckles and then there’s an explosion i know you go
hey what’s up
boom hey what’s up boom you’re not
gonna sell that
that’s not that’s not
that could work man you got 2 000 people if you
wanna do it if you
wanna do it go
right ahead but i
think you’re what if i do it to you and you do it the
other way i
think you’re out of line son
i think you need to abandon this i like the faggy one
where you go like
oh i like that do that one i like that one
that one should be
a problem i have a real problem with dudes
squish my fingers
when dude shake your hand
shake your hand don’t want to touch
yeah and like fingertip
thing yeah they go around the fingertip and
crush your fingers like
what are you i don’t like you
to that’s that’s you
think that i don’t know what it is they’re doing but i
if i grab someone’s hand and it’s like they got it
wrong i let up
and try to read
it out like let’s fix it i don’t like that nervous hand
juice i’m really getting paranoid
about people’s hands and stuff like
our friend went to the
apple store the
other day and they totally
saved his life
and he was just talking
about how these guys are just
like his hard
drive crash and the guy who just went
right on the computer
and he was just saying like how he was doing it and how
gross his keyboard was but the guy
did not even flinch and touched it and i was thinking
how many apple
employees like
girlfriends get
pregnant from really bad fingering because they must
their hands must be like pregnant
you know how much fucking calm has to be on all
those girls
fucking fingers
can’t survive
my keyboard has so much shit on it he
said that out loud
that’s i obviously don’t
think anyone’s getting pregnant but you
know how much cum is on your hands if you work at an
apple store how
about none no one’s coming on
their keyboard brian ah
you don’t ever masturbated
you never masturbated and
wiped it on a
towel and you
still had a
little bit of cum around the corner and you fucking
start typing
your protein isn’t come dude
you you you don’t let it go to
waste do you what
this show has gone downhill hard
we’re talking about fingering loads
brian you hijacked this goddamn show
you hijacked this show with this crazy
story about getting people pregnant from
touching keyboards i’m only on a banana
you’re only on a banana oh
brian is on this
crazy fucking diet where he’s trying to lose
thirty five pounds and he won’t shave
until he loses the weight
so he’s got this muslim beard he’s rocking right now
and he still has how many pounds to go
oh i’m down nineteen pounds since june eighteenth
and the way he’s doing it is obviously unhealthy
it’s rotting
well you’re the one supposed
to give me a protein bar you forgot
how crazy is it though how crazy is it
just by 19 pounds
all the hot chicks that are just bombing you i
think that’s amazing man just like that
you got all these girls all over well
he got this last one when he was fat
yeah i know and now he’s got
dude it’s incredible
you know what props bro
i’ve never seen
what do you attribute your attractiveness to
brian do you believe it’s your sense of humor
i still suck my thumbs so my lips get big by their own
by their own
by their own i like that
brian is like the oldest
child i’ve ever met in my life
he really he reminds me
of like friends that i had when i was in eighth grade
never grow up
you always stay when you got molested
what eighth grade
what the fuck are you laughing at son that’s
wrong what do you think chicks digging you
if you had a guess
uh them real personality definitely
i am like a real person you
think you seriously
like i open doors for him and stuff you’re a good
clean up guy to come in after the douchebags right
right and maybe i think i’m
a real guy i think you’re
amazing success lately
it’s only been on the last like a
month where it’s been incredible
i think it’s cause
chicks like cats you love cats
seriously think
about that think about the cat thing i know
i don’t think that’s it though
cause actually most of the chicks i j you
think that once you date one pretty girl
that all of a sudden other girls can smell it
what is your
realize that like see
you out with a pretty girl i’m like look at this bad
motherfucker i want him now how did he get her i think
i think a lot of it in this city is just people uh
fucking like taking care of girls because like
i know so many girls that i talk to
their boyfriends are like
you know fucking
freaking out
about olive garden like you know like can you pay this
you know like
they don’t get
taken on dates you know they don’t get
treated really like how they want to be
treated out
here because everyone’s trying to survive out here
girl i saw you with last week i
swear to god i
swear to god if i didn’t see what i
would have thought she was jessica alba
you know what i’m saying
i’m like what the fuck is
going on with brian
vegas like i’m seriously thinking
about getting a cat
i’m not even kidding i’m not even kidding wow
strong words because
eddie doesn’t even like cats
yeah i like cats i die
my new ones pretty
sweet man the
grind of fucking relationships finding someone
brian you’re a single man
right now what does that feel like
feels fucking
great until you
clean out your iphone of old
pictures and you’re like oh look at all
those old pictures dude
you’re gonna
they need an eye
breakup for
apple once you
break up it detects by face
your ex girlfriend and it destroys
everything or puts it in a
seat but then
what if you go back
together next week and she goes did you use eye breakup
they got time machine on i break up
i thought you were gone
forever though
they have time machine and i
break up and go back
you use that
break up we were only taking a
break we weren’t
breaking up brian
you know how
easy it is you know
easy it is to just flip them
what’s the craziest
argument you’ve gotten a
chick with recently
recently yeah
recently over the last 10 years of your life
what’s the craziest
i’ll just give him some room so the girls
don’t know he’s talking
about them uh
wow cause i know you’ve
heard some doozies oh
you’ve got some doozies getting a
tattoo behind my ear of a
heart or something like that what
yeah this one girl i dated
within the third week
she wanted to get
matching tattoos behind her ears
and i’m like already
we’ve only been dating for
three weeks and she goes
if you got me
and i was like okay that
sounds like
cause i was
thinking i’ll just get it
lasered off you know
whatever happens but like we were really
close to actually
doing that how much do you regret not doing it wow
huh dude you know i
i don’t think i
would ever do it i
think if it was actually on the way to the
tattoo studio i
would have just like
chloroformed her or something like that
you say you
would have but
what if you know you were in the moment and she went
first and you’re giddy and you had a couple yeah
you’re right i just put a japanese fucking
little sign on top of
doing it i could see you doing it
yeah i could
tell you they were
laughing about it i’d tell her
to do that that’s so
crazy though she wanted to mark you
sure so so many
women when you get involved in relationships
they want to make sure that you’re for real
they want to make sure you
take a test i’m in it for real are you in it for real
are you in it for real for real
yeah how about
i was talking
about this on my message
board today
how about dudes who fucking
share a facebook page with their wife
so fucking guy sent me a message you
know it’s like bob and jennifer
i’m like what
you share a facebook page with a chick
dude say i have this ex
girlfriend that i love she’s a
great person to talk to and
stuff but her fucking husband
is addicted to farmville
so like all day
long it’s farmville this mafia wars this and i’m just
like i’m like texting or sending a message like
would you fucking stop like
telling me how much oranges you have and stuff like
oh so this is heather all
right i’m sorry
this is so and so is boyfriend
our husband
do you want to talk to her and i’m like no
can’t you just have your separate fucking
farmville account and just
get out of her so the fuck i’m not i’m so confused she
to farmville they sent each
other’s messages on facebook yeah like
hey someone’s heather or fuck
so and so so and so you’re the
worst at hiding
people’s names
what duncan what yes so and so
just got a brand new
horse in their
stable you know like it tells you
every time you
play this game it updates your facebook yeah
updates your facebook
automatically yeah
oh my god that’s so good and they
share inboxes together it’s like
dude you don’t have any life anymore
what if i just
wanted to say oh you look cute in that one
picture so this
dude sent me an
email message
on facebook
and the message was he came to the ontario show
and he said i saw your show
did you ever consider the possibility that
jesus was real
and that he was who he says he was
and i automatically dismissed him i’m like
first of all it’s a
silly question
second of all
how can i debate
a guy who’s got a fucking facebook page with his wife
like you’re on your own dude good luck
have a good time
but we can’t have any
conversations yeah i can’t have a serious conversation
about anything
i mean even if you’re a goddamn scholar
and you know and
you’re a brilliant person who knows a lot
about the history of the you know
the origins of jesus
i can’t talk to you
about that you got a fucking facebook page with a
chick dude does that
drive you nuts
uh you ever call a girl
or a dude rather and his
girlfriend answers the phone
what the fuck is that oh
what is that
that’s a guy trying to prove his love
yeah i’ll give you my password to my facebook i swear
i called you know what
that’s probably like getting back together type shit
girl breaks
up with guy and like i’ll do anything i’ll do anything
cause at that
point you know you’ll do anything
how about give me your fucking password your facebook
your twitter
all that shit let me
check out them
direct messages
that’s probably what it is
i called opie
opie and anthony
this chick answer the
phone i hope
call the cell
phone who are
maybe it was
assistant hey
maybe told her answer
it you know
especially if
you don’t know who the fuck it is you know you see some
you know phone number
and you’re not even sure who the hell it is maybe
maybe he didn’t give you the
whole phone
maybe there was a
whole phone
maybe that’s why she was
maybe that was a hoe
or maybe that wasn’t the
whole phone
because you’re not a hoe
and so he doesn’t
care who answers the real
phone you know oh i see i don’t
think he rocks it like that
he just had a kid too
eddie bravo
someday you gonna have kids
what do you think
about that you
feel extra pressure even thinking
about that considering how fucked up your childhood was
i did growing up i really thought that hey there
might be a chance that i don’t give a fuck
about my kids cause my dad didn’t give a fuck
about me i mean
i was like scared like
that would kill me if my father
thought or if my
child thought of me like i thought i would
think of my father that
would fucking destroy me so that
i was scared of having kids most of my life
but i almost had a kid i thought i had a kid then
we had the dna test but i had a kid for
three months i played the daddy
and that’s when i knew i could
i could i would love my kid
no matter what i was a test i thought i had a kid for
three months
what was it like when you walked away
after three months
i didn’t walk away
after three
months i stayed
after we found out he wasn’t mine i stayed
and i hung in there as long as possible
but the chick was just so
uh she just it just did not fucking work man
you know how that goes yeah and i had to make a choice
you know the craziest
thing is when we finally did break up
i’d come i came back like
maybe two months later
to see jake
and he still remembered me
he still remembered but it was kind of like fuck
where you been for two months
and then i came back like six
months later
and when i came back and he really didn’t recognize me
like the girl had to pull out
like pictures of us at the zoo
remember he’s the one who took you to the zoo remember
and he’s like hmm
that was like fuck
you don’t even know me god damn
those motherfuckers will forget you
if you’re not around
for like six months
sad music the mood
then i realized you know once he
started forgetting me then i realized you know what i
could just step away from this now
would be a good idea just to just to get out of this
he doesn’t remember my six
months off from seeing a baby
yeah yeah man
he was like
it was like this happened when he was like one
one and a half something like that he’s walking around
you know and then he just
started forgetting
about me it was a trip
and then i just backed out
how many times
have you thought a
chick was pregnant and wasn’t
dude i don’t
wanna talk about that
how many let’s not even talk
about crazy
shit like that ma’am
yeah ugly yeah we should also say we’re
gonna be on another podcast oh yeah we’re
gonna do doug benson’s podcast in like two
hours yeah we got a darker traffic
and head well it’s five now we’re all right
and we got to head down to the ucb
to do the doug benson podcast tonight
crazy we hung out with doug when we were in vegas
he was there for some poker
and so he came to show at the
house blues we hung out and then
he came to the
ufc the next day too he’s a good
and he’s the reason why i had to make a fan line
cause i fucked up and twittered my number
my number i thought to him i thought i was twittering a
direct message
but it was a reply
or it was i’ve twittered just a straight message to the
whole fucking
world so i had to get a new phone
haha what you
gonna do son
but so we’re
gonna go do the dog benson podcast
right after this
anything else we
should talk
about before we wrap this
bitch up any
problem i’m good join all of our
twitters which are
listed below
eddie bravo and
red band joe rogan
no i don’t think no i don’t want anybody to
jump on my twitter my shit i just post disgusting crazy
weird ass shit you do not want to see my shit it’s
definitely r
rated psychology
yes plus you want to keep
it vip too that’s how i look at it i want a vip
if you’re easily offended do not follow me please
well no one
who’s listening to this show is easily offended
unless you’re just looking for ammunition
that motherfucker what do you say
about jesus
there’s a lot
of people out there doing that i’m sure joe we
should also say that you have a new q and a
oh yeah you know i
haven’t really set that up totally
i mean i signed up for it but i don’t know how to do it
in the in the future will have like q and a podcast
i should do it by myself
or i just read off the questions and just answer them
and just do it to camera
so i’ll do one of
those in the future because
i get so many the same questions over and over again
it would be better if i
could figure out a way to answer them
just to you know
but if you want
to find out info on comedy dates go to joe rogan
net my twitter
is just joe rogan
of course eddie’s twitter is
eddie bravo
brian is red band
on 10th planetjj com
get on my forum if you want you
know for future seminar dates
they’re all up on the forum man
flashlight com too
yeah we are sponsored by the
flashlight com and
like i said even if i wasn’t sponsored by it i probably
wouldn’t talk
about it as much
but i’d still tell you you
should go fuck one of
those things
cause it’s awesome are there different sizes
i don’t know they have a
mouth though i saw a
mouth online
with fangs really
yeah twilight one
do they have a twilight one
well it’s got fangs it’s a
vampire one not twilight one though
fucking vampires
cocksucker let me tell you something when i was young
the bonovis collins that’s a fucking
vampire okay
he walks in
ladies and gentlemen you guys have been a
well i don’t know what you’ve been you
might be fucking
screaming obscenities at me right now
who the fuck knows what you
are you know i can’t say you’ve been anything you guys
you’re just out there
but we appreciate you
you might be cool
hopefully you are
hopefully you’ve been
great as you’re
watching you have been yelling you faggots talk
about some other shit
but we appreciate the fuck out of it as always
our podcast by lay is also now on
what’s it called
again stitcher
oh yeah it’s on
stitcher so
what stitcher is is a
if you go to joe rogan net
the front page there’s a link and if you
click on the link it’ll take you to the
stitcher website that’s set up just for my podcast
and it’ll give you the information
exactly how to do it but it’s real
super simple
you load it up on your phone you
could pretty much now you could
stream over your
cell phones you
stream our podcasts and
we’re also on itunes but this is just another
thing you can i
it’s for people who are not into
apple and you know they want to be able to do it on
their smartphone
we’re also gonna be
switching over so we have a zoom one
and we’ll have an iphone
app one two that all be that’s all in the works so
thank you very much for
tuning in and
we will see you bitches next week
and i say bitches with all the love and respect
in the world
assalama like them