ladies gentlemen
freaks and geeks
all my friends
lovers and children
welcome to the podcast
we’re here very much once
again for tuning in we’re here my road dogs
eddie bravo
and mad flavor
let me adjust
this camera because we can’t see you right
what up what up
better yeah bam there we go tuning in there
tuning in week number
it’s week many many many many weeks
and we’ve been having a good fucking time
we had a good goddamn time in boston
and we were talking
about this yesterday but we’ll talk
about it again just because
eddie’s here
it was fucking
crazy when i asked on
stage how many people listen to the podcast it’s like
this the ability
that you have when everybody went crazy was
a huge audience and there’s like i’d say like 60
of them 70 of them
said they listen to the podcast yeah it’s
crazy so it’s like it’s only gonna
keep doing that it’s all
only as long as you make
things that people
think are interesting it’s only
gonna like this is this is radio
this is this is just as
powerful as any
radio station that’s ever
existed without the bullshit and the drama
yeah nothing
and all that shit
this is just straight up talking
what the fuck happened to that kid
all right there we are i’m a
terrible camera man looking
sharp brian’s off
yeah brian is off in ohio
with his lady friend all right meeting the family
beautiful having a good goddamn time
getting the
freak on what’s wrong with eddie bravo
what’s called
eddie bravo’s eddie bravo
what do you know strange character
it’s funny you all understand eddie bravo when the
tenth planet reality show comes to light
tenth planet riverside bitches respect
it’s funny because i was talking to you on the
phone last week
and you said that you went to see a shitty movie
but you’re one of the few people
like me that take a shitty
movie and make it work for us
you know i’m saying like we really make it work for us
we see what the bad
points are and you said you
watch the expendables or whatever
and it’s so
weird how we
learned that
from paul mooney we had a conversation once about
when you’re a comedian
you should get
yeah i’ll tell you something
the last two weeks i’ve done something
that has blown me
apart i want to see a different form of
i want to watch
eddie bravo teach
oh yeah that’s
entertainment and the way that
place is the way you sit
it’s like a big fucking
stage like if i had
one man show i
would do it there with the mats
facing everything
and i started
watching him
and the first week he
taught this move where
you’re hitting the guy and then you roll and
take his leg and the guy gives you an arm so you have
three different options
and then last week he was
when you were there by the way
you know the fucking move just
gotta let it
go like this
and you hit him you’re on his back
so you take this leg
and you hook double hook on this leg and you pull over
so you take his arm
from spider web
yeah oh no no the truck
really cool really cool but
just the way
eddie was teaching yeah
you remember
george come on dog if i didn’t remember
i thought you were just making shit up
i thought you were
just being funny
cause in the beginning of the dvd
you know because at that
point you didn’t really know the
system at all so
that’s the beauty of it is you were just talking
about not of the living dead
and then i flip
you with the butterfly hooks and then
no no so last week you
start on the guy’s back with your two hooks in
you get the guy in the head
he thinks you’re
gonna choke him out
and you flip over you so you got this leg
you take it
to the truck baby
got the truck
and it was really
weird how i went home and it fucked at me
then i was doing doing comedy it affected you like if
it fucked with me like like i thought
about it when i left there
and then i went the
other night
which was a very simple hold
where it was completely
controlling the guy with the
underhook which you really good at he said
we’re gonna
george sonoroplus is
in town he’s
been in town for the last two weeks so we’ve been
focusing on
over hook butterfly
stuff to rubber
guard so but the
point being that situation was that
i was very intrigued
while i was
watching him
thank you i don’t get intrigued by dick
i didn’t go see avatar
all these movies don’t do dick to me well when
someone’s really good
at something when
someone’s really good at something and really good at
speaking about that something
it’s always fascinating but how he walks he keeps it
he doesn’t like a
stand up comic
he walks in a certain area
so people have to look at and he
doesn’t even know what he’s doing he
doesn’t know
how just being him he commands attention
you know he’s not a big guy
he’s not a flamboyant guy
but i couldn’t take my fucking eyes off are you gay for
eddie no i’m
still like you’re gay for
eddie i’m talking
about what i
learned this week sometimes how you go i
think joey just came out to us i’m supposed to go
i’m supposed to go to like beautiful
theater and see some fucking guy that’s not
funny and be
those guys are funny
but i obviously
went to see different and jujutsu
class and was very
entertained and was very
and that was the whole
point of this it wasn’t
about the fucking
ucb theater what the fuck is
you that you
locked me in
yes it was very
you know i have
never you know you locked me in all the time
joe you know that shit
when you’re on
stage you i
learned something you know how fucking much
great shit i talk
about you to
everybody that’s
what tell everybody
is a ringing all the time you know
tell everybody game
recognizes game bitches
like originally with the temp planet kush
originally was
gonna be the both of us
but when joey’s around i’m like why
would i want to put the fucking camera on me i’m just
gonna keep it on joey
but it’s i can’t really
speak my mind anyways
i like being really honest
i can’t really be
that honest
people’s feelings
i can’t really be that honest and joey can just
smash people and
you know what it’s hilarious
i didn’t say it i wonder i didn’t
say it i wonder if dudes get
upset at some of your
marcus davis
davis burn the kilt
he’s got yes
yes you know what
marcus davis
marcus davis
kenny florian
i fucking love you guys
man you know you’re my dogs you know what i’m saying
this is all
i didn’t say shit
now we just say listen
the kenny i picked
kenny florian to win
this is a youtube clip we discussed
oh i know but
check this out but
check this out
what we’re talking
about actually
is probably on youtube
right now i uploaded it
about seventy three my
fucking segway right
can we play it
no we can’t we can’t
okay alright you have to have two laptops to play
brian is not here
right now so okay
i barely know what i’m doing just navigate
straight even with
brian here the fucking
you okay but anyways what we’re talking about
this this review we’re talking
about is actually just being released
as we speak
right now it’s
tenth planet kush
episode nineteen
featuring joe rogan
that’s the one it’s up like
right this second probably and
joey fucking goes off and i
i gotta put i
gotta put like a warning
thing before this
the views of joey karate
do not reflect the views of
any problem
right i just
i gotta put that up
i didn’t go off i love let me tell you something
you’ll see what we
mean it was
funny because i said i read something that
dana had mentioned that what’s his name choked
and i started
thinking about
kenny flooring
and i thinking
about i said you know what
how can i say that about
a guy that i’ve never
tried what he’s doing
like this is to the
point point in my life
where i’m at
i could never say somebody choked
you know maybe had a bad day
or then i started
thinking about
here like six bad days you know what i
never said he choked on him like that all i said was
i was fucking
all i said was he was as
skinny as jesus
well people will see exactly what you said when they
watched the episode well
you know what it’s all
funny so what
it is for the people who don’t know what we’re talking
about joey does this
breakdown of the
ufcs as joey karate
was a cuban
black belt and it’s probably
even if you’re not
a ufc fan it’s probably the funniest fucking
thing you’re watching
it’s the funniest
possible most
reviews of ufc previews
and reviews
sometimes we review
a show sometimes
there is nothing out there fuck espn
fuck all that ht nut shit
there’s nobody
that brings the fire like joey
all that shit’s
entertaining to a
point but i don’t know how many times i
fucking turned it off halfway through
mma live and half
it’s just it’s
when you hear joey do it fuck you
fucking wanted to last
30 minutes and i’m always
two or three or
three and three
might pick some
money you understand because i’ve
learned from these guys
and i know what it is to get beat up
so i watch these
fights and that’s how i pick the
things i’ve been like two other
three lately with the two
key matchups always being money
so i’m not that fucking
bad no you’re very good you’re very accurate with it
i don’t want to see that many guys talking
about fights and
analyzing fights
you know i don’t like there’s
not a lot of guys i like to listen to dude i want funny
yeah you know what i i respect
everybody out there doing to me
personally i don’t get nearly as much insight from
like any articles or any commentators i get it from
mma forums i
think dudes
have more opinions and better opinions and better
points of view
on mma forums
absolutely interactive
there’s some very good writers
guys who write on the
there’s guys who
write on the
underground that you read
their shit and like this guy’s a fucking author
i mean he might as well be writing for a
magazine this is like really well written a really well
written breakdown of the event of a guy’s performance
that that’s to me
just because a guy has a job with yahoo
doesn’t make him more credible than
you know make fuck
stick one on the
they’re just
human beings
just writing their
own exactly
you know this need to be official on espn com to me
i’m interacting with people on the
underground and getting someone’s opinion
a bit more insight
as to how fights
gonna go down from that and i
think than any of the websites online
you know the one time i do like
hearing what a
fighter actually has to say
about a fight the one time when they’re talking
about stuff that i
that the public and
me included
really don’t know about
what’s really going on
in that fucking cage
you know what i mean
very few people experience
fighting in
front of the
fucking world
so when a guy’s
breaking down a
fight and they see something a chink in that guy’s
armor like he folds
or you know like maybe
fighters can
after a while some
fighters are
known as folders
right they just fold
under the pressure
you know and
fighters see that
quicker than the average
person so i like that kind of insight yeah there
was a time when i was doing commentary with randy and
a dude got poked in the eye
and the referee
went over to him and he said can you see
and he’s like man i don’t know i don’t know i
could see and
randy got angry
randy goes you
never tell him you can’t see
he goes if he tells him he can’t see it means he
doesn’t wanna fight
and i was like whoa he got like really intense
like his crazy
like you know a competitive
drive came out when he was discussing this
other guy that’s fascinating yeah
that’s not that
yeah but i don’t
wanna hear like it
a bunch of analysts sitting around
going what he has to do is
click we just got to keep the fight
standing shut up shut up
stop it stop it i want to hear you
i see cock suckers
i’m going my man
the caveman
geico guida
take down ground and
pound it’s all happening dog
you ain’t stopping it
that’s what i want to hear that kind of
stuff i do enjoy inside
mma though i
watch that shit all the
time because i
bring in some some cool fighters
i’m a boss written
fan to the yeah
he’s fucking
hysterical and the craziest
right you know what i mean
baz is insane
they let an insane man
host a fucking show
that’s hilarious we
flew we flew to
boston on the same
plane we’re
in the same flight he’s nice as fuck one of the nicest
guys i’ve ever met so roz
is super crazy nice
but he’s also crazy
so we’re on the
plane right so boss is on the
plane and he goes up to use the restroom
and one of the
ladies that’s working for the
plane is like
are you here for the wrestling
thing you know and he’s like
yes mixed martial arts went there for
mixed martial arts
and she tells him
that her husband
has hands that he
or her boyfriend
has hands that he had registered as a deadly weapon
and boss became obsessed with this
boss is like this is not true
you know i told her bullshit
you know boss
is like telling me that he told her bullshit
we got off the
plane he was
still down she’s telling me
her boyfriends
hands are registered
as a deadly weapon i’m like no fucking way
it was like
super amped up about this
oh yeah i mean
just listen to some of the shit he said on
pie awesome
oh my god he’s got like
at least 15 to 20
classic lines like
you want to put that shit on a loop
and on top of that
crazy shit badass
fighter i mean he was one of the
one of the premier
strikers in mma
during his era
like when he took out to
watch that fucking fight
watch that fight
where he won the
title he’s a bad
that wasn’t actually one of the
title that was the
first fight he had in the ufc
on the posters it said
the world’s
greatest martial
artist that’s how they were
bringing him in
as the world’s
greatest martial artist
and boss just
fucked up to
yoshikosaka just
blasting him
like there wasn’t very many dudes who were
striking like that in the ufc and
kosaka’s fucking
tough as fuck dude
tough as fuck
boss was a savage man his
his attack man he could kick
so fucking hard
i remember when he
first fought in pancreas
all these dudes were kind of doing the same kind of
thing the pancreas
is they had open hand slaps you
weren’t allowed to punch
and there’s a lot of dudes that
weren’t kicking very good they just were kind of like
they take a guy down and dive on leg locks
all these shin
pads and these
shoes on like you
could grab a hold of a dude’s feet
pretty easy and a lot of dudes were doing leg locks
boss root and came out of nowhere
blasting dudes with kicks
just boom you
would see them hit
these guys they’re
like what the fuck is he doing and the palm
strikes these japanese
guys weren’t
they didn’t have
they were just slapping each
other and grappling
he said wait a
minute we could slap hmm
how about i fucking
slap you really fucking hard so he came in and he was
fucking iron
palming don’t what he was doing was boss
could pull his hand way back
so he was basically just
punching you
with this he was
using all his
punch techniques
but he was hitting
you with the you know the meat of your hand
which really is better because it
doesn’t hurt your knuckles
your hands don’t break
you can hit some shit really hard
like that he was
knocking people out with
these slaps the japs
crush anybody out but his
uppercut slaps
knocking dude
senseless you know what’s crazy is i
went to amsterdam
with baz root and dude when i
in 2001 i commented
for a show called too hot to handle in holland
while i was working for king of the cage and pride
they fucking hired me
so we’re on
the same flight we’re all in the same flight he
lived in la
and this is when he was
crazy as fuck
gonna get into detail what happened
i don’t want to
bust them out
but he’s known as a
crazy wild man yes on the fucking
plane was a
crazy wild man on the
plane and i can’t get into details but god damn
damn it when we get to holland
we partied all fucking
i was i have
about a hundred
pictures of me and boss
all fucked up in holland
jack everywhere
i can’t even
begin to tell you do you remember any of it
i remember all of it well i remember a lot of shit
thanks to pictures
cause we took a lot of
pictures but and then you
watch the pictures and you go is it
weird how your memories become
memories of the
pictures you
know what i mean
you actually remember that
those are your memories the picture
well memories are only relevant
if you use em
if it’s a memory that’s
never going to come up it’s really hard to retrieve
if it doesn’t have any emotional
like bearing in your life
like i have memories from my
early childhood because they were like
strong moments that meant something to me i
learned something from that
experience but if like a regular memory just
hanging out with somebody
how long do you remember that for
good memories
i remember a lot of
dude as i get
older i feel like i have less room on my hard
drive i feel like i got an old hard
drive that’s
filled up with shit
i remember the dumb
stuff but i do remember the important stuff
i got a question for you joe
what do you
think out of
everything you’ve heard and
about pancreas
i mean what do you
think i don’t know what to
think but ken shamrock told me
ken shamrock told me came out of his
mouth that all
those pancreas
fights were worked
that were set up
except all except
for when foreigners fought each
other they would just let them fight
wow but when it was japanese against
a foreigner
like he said he
was he actually worked for the japanese
he was in pancreas
as their american
to fight so they can mix it in with the europeans
that’s what he said he said
i was brought in you had to be really good
you said the same thing
yeah because he said he was
you had to be really really good because you had
you know if you had
if they asked you to take them to like the
later rounds or whatever take them late into the
fight you had to be good enough too because
sometimes the foreigners didn’t know they were fixed
he said the foreigners didn’t always know
but we would control it like we were
so the foreigners
you’d have to make sure you just didn’t
knock them out
you know something
with them they were trying to
create characters and do different shit what
would they do if the foreigner got hurt
dude this is
just all i don’t know if this is true or not so
is it all about gambling is that what it is
i don’t know but x
fights i mean if it’s all
about predicting the outcome is it like pro
wrestling with
fighting what is it
i think it was i
think it was a
half pro wrestling half real
you know what i mean i think that’s a pancreas
but i don’t know man this is what ken shamrock yeah
i don’t know i
wouldn’t know i wouldn’t know because i do know one
thing that fucking
frank shamrock against alan goes
that shit was real that was pancreas
was it and that was real as fuck do you
know that no i don’t remember that fight at all damn
was it good alan goals was all over frank shamrock
really but you could if you grab the rope
if you got to let go the hold and start again
so you don’t fucking hold if you can grab the rope
so weird alan
goes alan goes was all all over
frank shamrock
frank shamrock just started right he had she was so
green he really didn’t know jiu jitsu that well
he was just a real
natural athlete
powerful strong
he was always explosive he was just a fitness fucking
powerhouse and he knew some some shit from ken shamrock
but he wasn’t that good at that point
and alan goes
was all over him and if it wasn’t for the ropes
he would have fucking
but at the end
frank shamrock got him in a fucking foot lock dude
and alan goes couldn’t
reach the rope
and he fucking jacked him and
broke his ankle
really yeah but it was like a draw i
think i don’t remember exactly if
it was a disqualification
i don’t know there was something at the end
i don’t know who won
but i do know alan goes was all over him
but he got saved
frank shamrock kept
saving the ropes and then at the end he got him in an
ankle lock man and alan goes
didn’t defend
right and he
broke it i mean
he screams alice
screams i was surprised if
frank shamrock retired
i was surprised you got real commentator for the
strike force but he’s not hasn’t retired
he said he retired he had a
big oh dude he retired ceremony
dude he had a big ceremony
stood in the middle of the octagon and
you know how many times ozzy retired
you know how many times
i was born exactly
how many farewell tours technically
he’s had several farewell
to farewell
okay so you
think can you think frank shamrock
getting in that cage just bowing everybody’s public
stunt yeah eventually he’s
gonna come back
and make it like it’s a really big deal he’s coming
i’m not i’m not
gonna say it was a publicity
stunt because
maybe he believes he’s really retiring
but i believe
and he hasn’t made that much
money he hasn’t made that much
money and you have all these
boxes that have
made gazillions and boxing happens all the time
all these four
boxes are made gazelle you get used to the money
damn if i fight
again that could
fight for like
dude i can make
five like two hundred thousand dollars like
that means a lot to
these guys these guys aren’t rich
they’ll come back
you know what i mean
they’ll always come
back i think
he’s coming
he’s in his late thirties i believe he’s
about 37 you know
even guys with millions come back for the money
yeah and he didn’t make millions well he’s a
smart guy though
you know but i respect
him i’m not saying this i’m not saying
i think he could do anything and i
think if he decides that he
doesn’t want to compete anymore why
should he compete
if it’s not as hard
anymore and he feels like his performances reflect that
why not just
step down why not stop doing it if you can get over it
the real problem with
fighters is at a certain
point in time your
self esteem and your
self worth evolves
completely around your ability to
fight and beat people up
and when you can’t do it anymore you feel like a loser
a lot of guys
they don’t even know who they are
when they stop competing because it’s such an intense
experience that a
giant chunk of
their life is
dedicated to getting really good at it
to getting good at
fighting their
whole life revolves around
their fighting
and then when they’re not
fighting it’s like they’re lost
like when i was doing comedy and i was sucking
one of the best
things that happened to me is i tore my acl
and the reason being is i couldn’t
train i couldn’t do anything and
i certainly couldn’t
fight and i needed an operation
but it took
competing as an option away from me
i was 21 years old
and it took it away
now i was like i can’t compete anymore
my legs fucked okay so now
i do have to concentrate on the next
phase of my life because
otherwise the thing
about martial arts was this is the only
thing i’d ever done that
i was good at
so i would do
other things that suck at them
i’m like but i’m good at this what the fuck am i doing
why am i getting away from this my
brain would be like
you don’t want to do something and be terrible at it
do something
to be good at it even if there’s no fucking
money in it no future in it you know
you can get really
really really attached to the idea of who you are and
being a fighter
it’s very difficult for
those guys to step away
you can call it the
glory everybody says it’s the glory
it’s far more complicated than that it’s who they are
it’s all the
sudden their life is not
wrapped around
training camps
and preparing and improving your
skills to face the next
level and to get to the top and
get your title back once you’ve lost it and
it’s not that anymore now it’s just
you’re just a regular dude
well if you
were just a regular dude there’s nothing sad
about being a regular dude
but i guess if you’re a
fighter and you
go to become
just being a
regular dude for a lot of them it’s just too
much to handle they don’t want them in a normal life
they’re wired for fucking craziness
you know they’re
wired for that extreme experience
that’s just hard to walk away from huh dude
i mean nothing
could feel better than beating someone’s like
winning the belt
in the ufc main
card when chocolate dominos
those arms back and yeah i mean
what feels better than that
yeah i mean
it looks like you’re the number one guy on the planet
chuck would do that and
throw his arms back it looks like he’s got like the
whole fucking like you
should be glowing
yeah like there’s a
lightning bolt
like the universe
of course you get addicted to that when
you need that that
field when he
smashed he oh
and you know and
after it was over he was so
fired up because
tito talks so much shit
chuck is like the nicest guy in the world but
if you talk shit
chuck liddell
is the last person you want to
talk shit because he just wants to take it out on you
he wanted to take it out on
tito so bad
and when he
knocked him out
and he fucking
threw his arms back wow
you could it’s
literally was like it was like that it was like a
black hole was opening up dude
were you there when did i tell you the
story about
chuck liddell
partying and some
what dana’s
lawyer or something
grabbing some
chicks ass that story
and all that shit
should you be telling us um
i don’t know the guy’s name so it
doesn’t matter was just a guy
so well did he do something that can get him in trouble
no no no no no no no no no
no there’s a you said grab
no no chuck
loves the story no no chuck loves the story
no no no what happened is we’re at some club in
vegas excess or some shit
and it’s like
dana lorenzo
chucks there
like they’re mad this guy this guy i’m talking to
the lawyer guy one of the
have a bunch of lawyers so a lawyer for something
right little guy
he’s all sitting there we’re all at a table and
right next to the next table
is this straight baller like
he had to be a rapper or
like cause he was a straight making it rain
throwing what it was funny
oh wait a minute dude i was there
the guy that got mouthy with chuck yes
yes remember he started throwing ones up
and it was funny
he was the dude next to us was throwing up ones
then ones were landing on our
table we had billionaires there
nobody’s picking up the fucking ones dude
they’re just all over our feet
the guys make it rain and no one
gets just so anyways i got loud and
mouthy no no no no no he had a bunch of girls
in that the
rapper guy it was just him by himself with a bunch of
chicks at his
table and we’re
right next to him
and i’m sitting there like
looking at all the girls
going goddamn there’s a
this guy has
got a lot of girls like what the what does he do right
and i think i
think i don’t
know what he was an athlete or some probably sold coke
and so the the lawyer
that was sitting next to me we’re both looking over
we’re both looking over at all the
chicks and i’m
going goddamn
he’s got some hot ones
and the lawyer guy
reaches over at
their team and grabs a
chick’s ass
oh and the girl
turns around and goes who the fuck did that
and the lawyer
pointed at me
he said me i go whoa
wait a minute wait a minute
give up this guy’s name who is that i don’t know
his name i don’t know his name
i don’t have no idea who he is but
he was with everybody
and he was just like wow he
grabbed the girl’s ass
and then the girl goes who
grabbed my ass
he goes he pointed to me i go
dude it was
him fuck you
i didn’t grab no girls ass he fucking
pointed he pointed at me
right we have
to find who this guy is
so that girl grabs
the fucking athlete dude
right comes over and he gets
right in his fucking face and he’s
right there
saying did you and
the guy keeps trying to
shake it loyal guy
tries to shake his
ankles like fuck you shaking
you grab a fucking asshole
fuck you up
right here he’s like running his face
let me shake your hand
let’s just talk this
fuck your hand man
fuck your hand man he goes
let’s just talk this because i’m a
fuck you up
right here and then
while this is happening
fucking patrick
calls chuck or dana calls
chuck or lorenzo one of them
they call chuck
chuck just hanging out on the
other side of the table
he looks over the go chuck
handle that shit
chuck win fucking
dude he went
right into that guy’s face so what the fuck you
gonna do he didn’t even know what the fuck happened
and the guy
starts going
trying to shake
chuck’s hand
you try to shake
chuck’s hand
chuckles fuck you
you fuck with anybody here i’m
gonna fucking kill you
did i wait a
minute you sure that that’s what he said
cause it was
you weren’t
right there though i was there was
screaming at him really yeah and the guy was trying to
shake chuck
santa chuck was like oh chuck see
it seemed to me a little bit more
less intense than
no no that’s a
guy was definitely
very aggro but
chuck did get in his face
oh dude check that
right in his
face and shut him down
fucking registered with the fbi
what happened
there’s only
black guys and
their cousins you ever noticed that
when i was a
white karate guys
when i was a kid
no they don’t
exist when i was a kid growing up
if you were
black and you were talking about
bruce lee was always that
black guy said listen
i got a cousin who’s a
black belt who’s got his hands registered with the yeah
actually have your hair only black guys exactly
maybe 20 years ago i think if you had a
i think if you had a black belt karate
in some states
you had a register your hands
that’s ever been the case
but you never heard about that i’ve heard
about that people heard about it but it’s not real
it’s just things that people make
i don’t think there’s any
place that makes you
register your hands as deadly weapon are you sure i’m
almost positive
a hundred percent we got
a hundred i’m
not a lot ninety
i think somewhere
i was very sure this is not true
no he does not
boss is very upset
or professional fighter
and something ever goes down
you always lose because that’s the case
that’s not necessarily
the case that’s roger work that thing
everybody thinks he was in the right that guy that
knocked out that chicken but
things have changed now i think
you know but
20 years ago there was something there was some states
that’s a video there’s a
video of that guy being an aggressive douchebag i know
that’s where the evidence is it’s a good
thing it’s card
off in texas
yeah well the guy the guy punch this chick in the face
like just it’s the beginning of the
video and the guy just
whoever’s filming it looks like he just got
lucky and caught this on tape
but this big
black dude he’s a fucking
like a quarter
what’s going on here nothing
just hold it like a mic
nah i’m not in the mood i’m over here hanging
relaxing this big big guys like 250
fucking giant muscles walks up to this chick and just
blasts her in the face and sucker punches her
and everybody’s like what the fuck
the dude’s so big nobody wants to do anything well
roger queerte gets right up to the guy and goes hey man
he’s got his hands up like this
man you just knocked out a girl
and the guy’s like i’ll
knock out any
bitch i want i’ll knock your
bitch ass out
and the guy took his shirt off
so roger werte goes alright i
guess we’re going
roger werte takes his shirt off and
there’s a lot of scramble in the camera it’s
tough to see what’s going on
seconds later
maybe four maybe five the dude’s
unconscious on the ground and
roger wert just beaten down on him
just bla bla bla
i mean it’s like karma like a movie
it’s like he’s an action hero he’s like spider man
he just blasts
this dude out of nowhere and they all got it on video
and you can’t say anything because the guy hit a check
it’s like the perfect scenario
it’s like here’s a guy
using his martial arts for good
i mean he’s in a place
where a guy assaults a woman and
hits her with a sucker punch
he confronts the
man with his hands up in a passive way like this like
hey man what the fuck you just
knocked out a girl like
surely there’s
gotta be a reason for this
you know yeah that girl killed my
mother you know what i’m saying you know you never know
he’s like i’ll
knock out any
bitch ass i want i’ll
knock your bitch ass out too
and roger werrick
kicks his ass and it’s all on
video i love it
roger worth the captain save a hoe
love it give him a cape
right now it’s over
i don’t think he meant to do it i
think he couldn’t help himself
you know that guy went through a lot of
abuse when he was a kid
he’s very sensitive to bullies i
think when he sees a situation like
that it’s like you have to step in and do something
like that girl just got
punched i mean
even if it was for a reason
what could it have been i mean
what’s the reason to walk up to a chicken sucker
punch you drown your
puppy what the fuck
you know what is it
there’s no reason why
would i sucker punch a chick let me think
she would have had to
have the keys to the nuclear bomb she’s
right you know what if
she stole my fucking phone i would fucking
if she stole my phone i would sucker punch
her really yeah that’s all it takes a girl has to
steal your phone and you’ll sucker punch i fucking
wow you’re very close with your phone
he loves his phone
no my laptop my laptop
maybe my phone i would i would like
push your head what’s the longest
time you’ve been without a phone and without internet
connection what’s the longest time
man at amp t is worldwide
they suck locally
at amp t sucks balls at my house
i can’t talk on the
phone at my house it’s kind of weird
and but god damn it
it’ll come on in thailand
on a fucking island
off the coast of thailand like god damn it’s working
i guess the roaming or something
right yeah i don’t know what it is but i went to
a resort once in mexico
and cancun i wanted to go see the mayan ruins
and we went to chichen itza
and the resort that we went to
this we stayed at near cancun
no telephones no internet access
no television
beautiful nothing there was nothing it was terrible
i hate it i hate it
i want i got movies to watch on my laptop i’m watching
movies on my laptop my laptop can’t even connect
to the fucking internet you’re running out of movies
i like watching a little tv when i it doesn’t matter
where i’m staying how beautiful it is
when i lie down in bed i like to see what the fuck’s
going on the
world i like to
turn on cnn
for a few minutes last week i made a mistake
i wanted a house phone
so i called at amp t
terry called up at amp
t and we got everything put together the dsl the
house phone
well they hooked everything up
except they shut the dsl off
for five days just show no
no dsl the fucking
oh my that dial up no internet dial
up oh my god
after one day
i was like fuck it and i just let it out i didn’t
bust down and go to the library and i tell you what
by the third day was kind of fucking nice really
it’s kind of fucking on emails
i get stressed so what
five days try for five days
don’t repute
it no cell phone
see what your life
you know when brock
lesnar does that shit sometimes
you really got to
think about it yeah
you really got and i know i know you’re in a position
where you need your cell phone okay
yeah but listen man there’s
obviously i
agree with you that’s why i
moved to the mountains
it’s something
about it i really
enjoyed it i
think being
separate just having a little
time to yourself is very important very important look
i mean i’m a
huge proponent of the isolation tank and that’s the
whole theory behind the isolation tank being
alone completely
dude in ninety
eight remember i was
going out psycho
and his girlfriend’s always have the best name
so it again
bored again was one
psycho psychos another psycho
we were at the
tail end of the relationship it was falling
apart and we
decided let’s let’s try to rekindle our love and
drive up the
coast to monterey
let’s try it one see what happens
one final fucking go at it
right so we
drove up and it was pretty
fucking cool getting high driving up the fucking pch
the view was amazing i didn’t realize
first time ever i
drove up i didn’t realize how beautiful the coast
the view is incredible
all the way up the
coast it’s like i kept pulling over
every 10 minutes
i kept looking i’m like
she’s all what i’m like i
gotta videotape this this is like
fucking heaven
it’s weird that it’s amazing
the edge though that road that road
scary as fuck yeah it’s like you
could easily just turn just decide this is it i’m
gonna end it
turn to the
right and you’re off the side of the
cliff oh oh so
scary fuck yeah it’s
beautiful and you’re
trusting the
other person come in the
other direction you
trust i trust you to not be
crazy and suicidal
so we’re driving up the
coast we go up to monterey
it’s fucking cool we go to the aquarium
videotape and
jim like fuck man well i’m having a good time
right there this is nice
right smoking weed the whole time
and then we
spend a couple days in
in monterey it was cool it was getting a little boring
it was getting a little boring but i’m like okay
we were gonna
drive back down and there’s a
place it’s like the wilderness
next to the
beach on cliffs it’s called big sewer
and you rent little bungalows and we’re
gonna rent bungalows for two nights
like fuck and go hiking
and then hike to the
beach fuck it’s amazing it’s fucking
paradise we get there we
check in for two nights
bam we immediately we go hiking and shit
we had been in monterey
for a couple days
we go to the beach
fuck i got that all it’s like some
magical shit
and then then the sun was coming down
we go back to the bungalow
and we didn’t
know they didn’t have anything they didn’t have radio
tv nothing they had nothing straight up
so we were like oh shit
so it’s like 7 30
and we’re kicking back
there’s nothing to do
so we watched the last
two days at monterey on the little lcd
screen on our fuck my camcorder
we’re watching that
and i’m thinking
there’s only 90 minutes of this it
was i was beginning to see we fucked
you know she
first time ever we
videotaped it was like it was like whoa the
first time we’ve ever videotaped
sex whoa we just
we didn’t we ran out of shit to do
damn and now it’s like 9 30 and shit
holy fuck it was
i realized something
that how important tv and internet is
especially when you’re
you know i could just go to
sleep or whatever but when you’re trying to
entertain your
girlfriend i said fuck it i went back to i went to the
front desk and i said
i didn’t know that we didn’t
there was no
reception up here at all
can we get can
i get a refund for tomorrow i just wanted to
leave that next morning get the fuck back to me
so i came back and i go guess what
i said what i go
i go i got the refund for tomorrow night
she goes yes
she wanted the fuck out too
like yes get the fuck out of here
we’re just lying there there’s nothing to do
we’re ready we’ve
heard each other’s stories
for the last six
months like what are you
gonna tell me a new
story about
something new
about you when you
first meet someone
hanging out with them for ten
hours in a row and just talking is easy
we broke up
on the way back she was in a bad mood like we started
fighting i’m like
it’s fucking over
by the time i hit fucking
santa barbara
i was like okay
that’s the exit
plan you know what i mean
it was done so tv kept your relationship
together yes and i realized we didn’t have shit
we didn’t have shit
by the time i hit
santa barbara
and ventura
it was fucking i was like
planning like for the future
without her
you had fucking and sometimes that’s enough to
keep a relationship together for a long time and we had
we watched a lot of tv together
if we didn’t have tv what the fuck
would we do together you know the
nowadays couples couples like i went to my friend’s
house steve
from you know
steve melee
from melee right here
him and his
girlfriend they got the big
screen going
and they’re both got
their laptops out
they’re both
every time i go over
they’re watching some movie
we’re watching a
movie kid and we’re on our laptop too
and it’s like that’s the fucking wave of the future
right there right
well yeah if you’re
in that kind of a relationship yeah you know what
we’re hanging out
but we got shit to do but we’re
still hanging out we’re
still right here i
could kiss you and all that
but i got work to do so
they wanna be
watching the same thing
no i don’t want you in the room
while they watch a
movie but you
gotta cuddle
how you you
gotta watch
cuddling why why you
watching the movie
well fuck the cuddling
you know what
i love cuddling
i like cuddling
at night late night
but not at eight when i’m watching like fucking
you have somebody my nookie coconut then i’m good
nobody yeah you’re right you can’t i can’t
no way i have
don’t like that
i like to wean myself off and shit
especially the last five or six years
right there’s
nights i don’t sleep with the i sleep apnea machine
as even i know i’m
gonna get a headache what if there’s a fucking
earthquake what if
what if i always want to prepare myself
and that’s why i don’t like this shit these are
fucking luxuries guy
that’s why i was the last
guy to get a fucking cell phone
you know it you broke my balls for three years about it
something about
something about it
you know that pager
when i call somebody and they have a cell
phone they don’t answer pisses me off
because it’s not a
house phone it’s a cell
phone it’s in your pocket you miserable motherfucker
answer the fucking thing
you know i’m saying that’s why i don’t like cell
phone because i like to get people i call
them and say let me look at your cell
phone and smash it
because that’s what it’s a luxury
answer the fucking thing
these fucking computers
you gotta get on
especially you you’re intelligent
get off this shit for five days
and see how different your fucking life is i enjoyed it
after the second day i was like goddamn
it’s like i was on coke
i had to go somewhere
every twenty minutes
to do a bump
that’s what i feel like when i’m on the computer yeah
every time i’m home
i gotta stop what i’m doing
every thirty minutes
and see who
email me or whatever
it is really nice
not to give a fuck like you know what
i don’t give it
would be nice i
agree with you i
understand but i actually i actually
enjoy the business when i get in the mode and i
gotta oh no i
gotta answer all my
emails i’m like
oh i’m loving
it i’m like
what’s happening
son papa papa
but you know what i
write a letter from time to time i
hand write a letter
just to fucking keep me alive dog
don’t depend
on this shit you know what let me ask you something
if right now if i took your fucking
phone and i
asked you what your
mother’s number was you
wouldn’t fucking know it
and neither
would you and neither would i
getting too fucking comfortable guys
and it’s fucking that
is true i take your
phone i smash it you’re
gonna sit there scratching your nuts for two days
you know three numbers in your head the house
your manager
and that’s it you don’t know nobody else’s number
you think how fucking i know
we are we’re
fuck you’re the only
number i know but i don’t even know that number no i
haven’t lost
the last time
wait for three days for you to call me
that’s why i didn’t call you in boston
how many numbers you
think you can
store in your
brain me yeah
anybody bro in the old days because of my cocaine
and my criminal
shadow on numbers written on
papers my mom
never wrote
papers when my
mother died that’s why i
never talk to my
sister anymore
because my mom had all
those numbers in
their head you know jay z does all
those wraps in his head
on paper in your fucking head man that’s kind of
crazy insanity
you do need a
paper from time to time
i like no i’m all
about long time
where i didn’t
write any of my comedy
don’t believe he don’t
he don’t use a paper
you got a right yeah
i got notes
like a motherfucker
we all forget
you know there’s i forget man
what i think is happening
joey is much more complicated than that
i think it’s not that this is making us
soft i think this is
becoming a part of us
when you leave your
phone at home and i
leave my phone
at home and i go out and i realize i don’t have my
phone on me i feel
like something’s wrong
yeah i feel like
i feel vulnerable
i feel vulnerable
you walk in your door you pick up your
phone and i called you big fucking deal you missed
it feels feels good something
about think
about it think
about when you walk in
you haven’t had your phone on
and you open it up and you
think all this is all this fucking knowledge
gonna be in there and
i think it’s nostalgia
for the past i
think we’re moving towards an era
where you don’t remember
phone numbers they’re on this device that controls
everything in your life and it
might even be a part of your body i think
you can’t hold on to the past
things are changing they’re obviously changing
in our lifetime the internet has made
things radically different just in our lifetime
we have had more change
in our lifetime
than hundreds and hundreds of years in the past
just in a few decades
i think this all this computer and
technology and shit it’s not making a soft it’s
becoming a part of us and
it’s gonna i
think in some way it’s gonna help
human beings evolve well two years from
now when the average bombed the fucking
tower of the
satellites and we got no
phone and you’re
stuck on fucking
trying to call me
cocksucker you’ll say
i had a fucking
no joey’s number my
you know right
that’s the least of my
worries when the world ends
no i didn’t talk
about the world ends the phone you
gonna worry
fuck listen they’ve been trying to hit
you have no lines when the world ends
there’s no for
i don’t want no
need to know how to
bow narrow with your shoelace
i understand go kill a
rabbit that’s why i’m getting
ready for that shit that’s why i got those
that’s why i hang out with the brothers and vermont and
shoot so now
we’re gonna go hunting with
ricky schroeder
we’re gonna make it a reality special
eddie bravo
me and ricky schroeder
out hunting and the only animal i’ve ever killed was
if you count
like i set up a
mouse trap and you know what i mean yeah
that’s the only
thing you’d be down for that though
right go hunting with
ricky schroeder fuck
yeah we should film that right
get a life that
would be interesting you and i
super baked in the woods with guns what
if i was really high i
think i would be better at hand i’m just kidding
ladies and gentlemen i
wouldn’t be high with a gun the same woods as
other people
yeah how dare you yes you would
not that’s okay i
would not do that
you can’t do the rubber guys got
22 on his fucking
you have to be very careful i read this article online
about i was researching hunting in
hunting exits in maine
because i used to have this joke
about hunting in maine and i was like i wonder what
the real numbers were like how many people actually got
shot well the real problem is
experience hunters
they literally see deer
they’ll see a deer
and they’ll pull the
trigger and then
after they pull the
trigger they realize it’s a
woman in a red jacket it’s like
their mind plays
tricks on them
because a seasoned
hunter has to get so good at recognizing movement
there he is
i got the opening boom pull the trigger
so their brain
literally puts an
image of a deer in
front of them when they see motion
your brain tries to
already give you the
image before it even gets it
if you’re looking
for it so bad you’re looking for it so bad that your
brain makes you visualize a deer
there’s the deer
and these guys
literally say they saw a deer
and the most horrible
night how often
does that happen all the time
really yeah that’s a problem the problem is experienced
hunters experience hunters who just
they’re just used to
knowing that you have to
capitalize on a
quick opening there’s the opening bang
oh my god it’s a person
like that shit’s real man well
that’s the scariest
thing about hunting
so laughing
is hunters that don’t know what the fuck they’re doing
and you know people accidentally
shooting people it happens all the time you got
experience hunters out there
30 the other
experience other
experience so some
gonna get shot that’s what we’re saying i was with the
article that i was reading was
about this guy was an investigator and he was out there
like investigating people who were shot
and you know they had this one guy that he
think was a suspect and the guy was an experienced
hunter and he just you know was asking
the guy like hey you know you see anything anything
going on you know we got we got a situation
and the guys like no no didn’t see anything
all he did was just
drive by the dude’s
house every day for a week
just pause in
front of the
house stop look at him
drive four or five days
later the dude cracked
he just couldn’t take it anymore
imagine the
guilt of accidentally
shooting somebody
while you’re hunting
you know you
think you’re seeing a deer
so i talked to the guy
and that’s what the guy said once he finally confessed
he said i really thought it was a
purse i mean i really thought it was an animal
i saw an animal i saw the horns i saw the whole
thing i saw a buck with a big rack and i pulled the
trigger and it was a person let’s go do that
and tape it
i don’t want a
heart to it let us
talk suckers
that’s what
i want to go hunt i want to hunt the fucking
yeah but you can
eat them man
i don’t want to eat a fucking i don’t
you eat animals like
crazy yeah but i don’t want to eat some my shot oh i do
see why that’s
why not why don’t you
see that fucking hole in his head why
would you want the animal
to die in some
fucking factory farmer they get
their brain
smashed by a piston and you know they’re
living in cow shit all day for most of their life
until that happens i just don’t want to
shoot in that
you know what i don’t
want to either but i eat meat and i love it i had a
juicy fat fucking
steak last night it was delicious
i love me man
i love it i
think it’s a part of being a
human being i love
pussy but you don’t see me
shoot but i don’t
think it has to
laugh i love
pussy you don’t
see me shoot a
bitch in the head i like your
logic cocksucker even though i
would love it
i just don’t want to
shoot an animal
i know you don’t know god
bless you motherfuckers are
going i know you
don’t want to
i know you don’t want to and i respect that and i
think over i
think there’s nothing
wrong with that i love you guys i don’t want you
shooting any
advice i don’t
think that because
you eat meat i don’t buy the argument that you
should have to
shoot an animal i don’t buy that i think
you know we’ve allowed ourselves to somehow
another be removed from the process of murdering
slaughtering and butchering the animal
and we just
enjoy the meat
which is kind of
crazy if you really think
about it fucking
crazy so i just wanna
for my own personal
edification i just want to go and
experience it i want you to go outside
why can’t we get a cow and
shoot it fucking in your backyard
well you know you
could you know my gardener got in
trouble for killing a goat in his backyard
what they do
they got mad at him they were
gonna evict him from the
house and he’s like i don’t get it he’s like
he goes i could cook
right in my backyard
he goes why can’t i kill a goat
he was like this way you
know it’s not disease it’s safe it’s like the safest
thing to him it was like so normal
now it’s like what
it is normal
i mean why can’t he kill it
how come he can cook it how come he can
he could it be outside with a side of beef
sawing off chunks nobody
would say a word they
would say wow that’s a big
piece of beef you got there
but if you actually killed the cow
and started sawing the beef he
would get in big
trouble and i
understand it’s
because you got to get rid of it just it’s gross dude
yeah someone rapid
a spanish person
yes max spanish to spend
sure we don’t give a fuck yeah
he’s i mean the way he was talking about it’s like why
would this is
silly like come on
this is that i want to make sure my meat is good
you know i know the animals not diseased
when i was a kid in miami my uncle would get the pigs
bring them up
free them for a couple of weeks
yeah then fucking kill him while we were there horrible
i stopped eating pork for a
while because i saw that
movie my brother’s keeper did you ever see that no i
heard about it it’s a documentary
about these guys that were kind of slow and
one of them i
think got accused
of murder or something like that but anyway
in the documentary
they live on a farm
i believe in upstate new york i forget
and the guy went
to kill one of the pigs and he pulls out the shotgun
and the pig
starts running
that pig knows what the fuck is
going down pigs are
smart they’re like
smarter than dogs
so when this pig sees that shotgun he just
starts fucking running and squealing
and scrambling the guys chasing
after him finally
gets the gun to his head and blows his
brains out but like
while before it happens that pig is in
utter sheer terror
and i thought
about that i’m like man i don’t
think i wanna
experience that
like why am i eating pigs
when was the last time i ate
bacon i eat it all the time
i gave up i gave
up it didn’t last
very long listen but for a
while i was like cows are dumb fuck them they’re stupid
but really the shit that you’re supposed to eat i
think is the
smart shit i
think you’re supposed to eat fish not
smart but difficult to
catch fish and
game you know
those are hard to catch like
cows and pigs are just sitting there laying around
that’s probably not the best for you
i appreciate your argument and i know when i
ate a piece of meat
that some cows hanging upside down with a fucking
thing in his neck
i don’t see it i don’t want to
think about it
but by me going hunting
which i really couldn’t do anyway
it would just make my life
i am saying i don’t even like venison
i don’t like none of that shit i feel scallopini of the
certain fucking italian makes it to me in east coast
i can’t even
feel like a
and i eat it and i
make believe i don’t even know what the fuck i’m eating
you know i’m saying
it’s like eating
pussy with your
coked up and
drunk that i can’t
and that’s it
guys i eat meat because of my necessities and stuff
fish you know
chicken i eat and even though like i know they’re
nasty they piss all over the fucking legs
chicken i won’t go to popeyes chicken but i eat
chickens popeyes is delicious
yeah i know
chicken with
rice and beans yeah
next time you get a breast
from fucking popeyes
take the skin off and see the foot
you can see
the indentations of the toe they cut the foot in half
and see what the fuck’s in there you’ll
never eat popeyes
again you understand i got this
these opinions are purely
those of joey diaz is
the true i know about
you meet and all that shit
experience podcast
this is all joey’s opinions
i for one am
a huge fan of the popeyes chicken
night i wish to
avoid litigation
all right what
about you tarzan you like popeye’s
chicken i like el
pollo locos
new chicken jalapeno
sandwich i’m
addicted to that another
five really yeah yeah
that i’m telling you man el pollo loco
jalapeno chicken sandwich they just came out with the
bread as they did something the
bread that mexicans in the back they
they soaked that shit in something
it’s like a mcgriddle
chicken sandwich it’s so good talking to mexicans i
gotta give mexicans props
this week because i have encountered something i’ve
never encountered in my life
i moved into
north hollywood the coolest neighborhood i’ve
lived in in california
and we actually have a mexican ice cream man
you don’t know what life is do you have a mexican ice
cream man there’s no schedule
some days he shows up at ten
some days at six
some days he got ice
cream last week he showed up eleven fifteen when i was
watching the
ufc on a saturday
night i tell
he’s like do
you hear the fuck and i wish i was joking with you guys
this motherfucker comes at eleven
aka bing bing
you go out there the best soft serve ice
cream i’ve ever had out here
better than
dairy queen all that shit
tremendous he had
shoes on there last week he was selling shoes
he’s got popcorn
i’m not fucking
that’s hilarious
as long as you keep moving i
guess he’s got a
mobile story
doesn’t have
to pay space
or anything
the ice cream soft
serve he dips it like the
thing like dairy
queen is here a bell
old school is it like
is it a truck
with a motor
a fucking huge
truck like mr softee
in the east
coast okay i
was just ice
cream man no
music no no like i’ve seen the ice
cream man downtown that just goes
allow allow
but i got there
and he just
talks in spanish and everybody flocks out
most of them push like a car
yeah i see those guys
your dudes in a
truck this motherfucker has a
truck that has a bell bing
when you hear that your people just come out they lose
their mind the ice
cream is fucking delicious what a
great idea the ice
cream truck is that’s one of the
greatest ideas ever
it’s not that
huge it’s not
that huge though
it’s not you only see him in poor neighborhoods right
well i don’t see him in nice neighborhoods hard to
trust this motherfucker
some dude just selling you some shit on the
street out of his truck
yeah that’s not good
i grew up on mr
softy that shit was delayed
you can’t just
what are the laws
can’t you just not the
truck laws no yeah you have to have a license
you can’t just do that you have to have some sort of
emergency you
gotta have a kitchen
it must be really hard
cause we would
see more ice
cream trucks in rich neighborhoods
but we really don’t how do people want to buy it man
rich neighborhoods you know you can’t be
going through beverly hills and ice
cream truck
why not because people
think you’re probably trying to rob the
you know what you know what it is
you know the main thing is
they know in
the rich neighborhoods the kids just can’t come out
yeah they can’t get to
in the port
a but the kids are out in the fucking streets at
three and four
they’re like
the kids are like fucking stray dogs
in poor neighborhoods
right dude when i
was living with
my grandfather in newark
when i was living with my grandfather in newark
they would be playing
stickball in the middle of the
street you would have to stop
and whatever they’d be playing
soccer in the middle of the street
they’d be playing
mostly with
puerto ricans and
dominicans and
stuff in new york
you would literally have to stop your car
wait in order to get through to
where you wanted to go
the street cars coming
stop everybody
would stop the game for a
second we did that car
would drive by
they restart the game
every goddamn day playing football
in the street with car that was a
story of my life
bunch of poor
fucking mexican kids
no one had a dad
ninety percent of all the kids
were like fucking the little rascals dude on my fucking
block it was
it was a couple guys i like ten and eleven
once my stepdad left at ten
i was gone i was on the streets my mom couldn’t
control me and my brother
stepdad could
but once i was
10 we were on the fucking streets and it was like
two three dudes at 10
my brother at 14 and 15
and then we
had some 18 19 year olds and some 20 and we were all
mixed in playing football
organizing she were always on the
street playing
basketball game
bunch of mexicans
and we’re all in the rock and
eric was in the rush
no one had a dad everyone’s dad was gone
except for one audio
but fuck man
it was a plan i did it with
ice cream truck
ice cream truck oh
that was part of our life
playing football
on the fucking street
and ice cream
truck coming by
that was that was
irish italian neighborhood
and we played fucking
everything on the
street from
stick ball to
football and then when their
leaves came down that’s when you played two hand touch
and we put the
bricks in the middle of the
street and you pile the
leaves on top of it
and some dickheads driving with his car
oh my god and he
kicked the fuck out
we were fucking animals there when i
lived in jamaica
plain when we
first moved to boston we
moved to a bad neighborhood we
moved to this
place jamaica
plain one of
those streets
where you would
on the street
there was like
maybe 15 20 kids that
would live on the
street and they
would be hanging out in the middle of the
street all night
it was like
three o’clock in the morning
and you’d be like
watching tv they’d be like
ten feet in
front of your window
screaming at each
other yelling
drinking beer
throwing shit oh shit summer
nights nobody
went to bed
nobody went to bed
when it was a blizzard
when there was a
blizzard everybody was out in the
street fucking riding
taking sleds
taking sled
rides down the hill
it was crazy my mom couldn’t control us
we had a thing called bombing
where everyone
would get together late at
night we’d get in camo
climb lemon trees filled backpacks with lemons
and then we climb in
other trees and we’d be all camouflaged in a tree
and when cars
would come by
fucking throw
lemons at them
and then they
would stop dude
would come out
and we’d be
hiding in the fucking trees man
and they would
never find us we were all camouflage we love camouflage
but we would practice jumping fences
and escape routes
we knew everybody’s backyard and everyone’s fence we
would practice
so if we got chased too
cops would even come by cops
chases but they couldn’t catch us
we’re gone in the backyard through the fences we were
going through the you know i had this conversation with
brian cowan yesterday i’m
gonna have it
again with you guys too because
we’re all the same in the
three of us that
we were kind of like left to our own devices
you know do you
think that that’s
i think every interesting person that i know
almost all of them were not raised
by the parents they’re all like raised like wild dogs
they all like figured out
their way through the
world like they made a good relationship with
their mother
you know but they don’t really see her that
often she didn’t really teach them
things they kind of figured
things out on their own
i for sure did
man i was me and my brother on the streets
my mom just had to work all the time she worked
all the goddamn time if you have like if
you had like a really cool dad who was like a christian
who was like you know like
real like republican but
super nice guy you
could have thought like that
if your dad raised you like that
and brought you
along like that who knows you
could have who knows i don’t know
do you think that
would have been different my
brain gets programmed right your
brain gets programmed by the people that around you
especially you know your
influences and your
teachers and your father of course is
gonna be the biggest
teacher in your life
if your father was a really nice guy and a
sweet guy and
a fun guy and
a loving father and a christian
and like really gung
ho rah rah republican
the united states
would never do a bad
thing to us
you could be sucked into that way of
thinking don’t you
think no you don’t
think so you don’t
think so because you’re you
and you grew up wild
you grew up your parents died
young you were you were really on your own
and in a lot of ways when you were
taken in by people’s
people’s generosity like your
friends and yeah i had a mom till fourteen and it’s
weird because
that’s for see what
fourteen is
very young thing
my mom was pro american dog
right here she was
had a bookmaking bank it was involved in heroin
right but i’m saying
it’s very difficult to look at the world like
this is how you
developed it’s very difficult to step back and say okay
how much of
who i am is
my environment i’ll tell you what
when i was a kid i didn’t buy into the boy scouts
didn’t buy into
know that shit
i never bought into clubs i
never bought into know that
you grew up very
street wise but
you know you’ve got some stories
about your stepfather
right but under the
age of 10 i wanted to be a
white kid an
american kid i came here from another country i
i grew up on dick van
dyke so you just feel like insecure i
wanted to to this
day i’m insecure really
about being cuban
no i’m not about being cuban but my big
thing was to be an american
my mother came here
funny to be
an american everybody wants to be everybody else is
white you kids who want to be
black black kids no no
no when i came
to this country my mom stressed that we came here
for you to be an american one
time on a bus some kids were talking in spanish
and they wanna beat the
teacher up cause the guy
threw him off the fucking bus and made him walk home
right and i walked in the
house and i
told my mom my mom’s like i don’t know what you’re
upset about this is america
you came here to do this my mom
raised me to be an american and i seen
some of the shit i bought into
i’m hearing a song in the
background right now
well i’m proud to be
and some some of the shit i didn’t buy into
it’s just the way it happens
i never bought into a lot of that shit
i’m allowed to vote now i
haven’t had a felony
in fifteen years you can vote now i can vote now
but i don’t want to that’s what happens it’s a fifty x
ten years ten
years but i don’t
want to vote because what were my choices last year
paling the old guy and
obama all three of them were bad choices
okay tell it
i mean you know i’m saying
so part of me is in the
other part of me isn’t
okay what was that
tell what happened with the
didn’t you have someone hostage can you talk yeah yeah
and 1987 i was
27 years old whatever i was working in boulder
i was going to
school at night
and i was snorting coke with
three hands
and i fucking
got involved with some kid and he was gonna rob
his roommate
and ended up
robbing them both of them
the guy that i had a partner was
gonna rob me what a
tangle web we
weave when we
tangle to decease
it just so happens that
the guy got caught like i told the guy didn’t want
nothing to do with it even though i had to coke with me
i sent the coke to hassman but the
other guy the guy
that tried to rob me
he ended up
getting pulled over with the guy we kidnap in the
trunk of his car all fucking bundled up and shit
so i got arrested for the kidnap kidnap and doing
everything but
you know what i fucked up
it wasn’t because i fucked up it wasn’t because america
listen bro i ten to
seven i got a
ticket this morning
for two hundred dollars
ten seven ten
seven this morning
while both you
motherfuckers were
sleeping i was
going to tai chi
at seven so i had to
drive there
so my wife said if you have to go to
tai chi at seven
you might as well drop me off at the
train station i usually walk
every morning to the
train station
but i drove her there was a lunch
truck there i couldn’t pull over so i pulled
by where she
crosses the street
when i made the
right when i
made the left there was a cop on me goes bro
the bus drivers complain he goes it’s a thousand dollar
ticket i have to give you a 200
ticket for parking instead is that okay
and i took the
ticket i was not
angry with him i went to tai chi
i did my thing
i didn’t mention he did his job this is america
he did his fucking job you follow him saying to you
a lot of people
got pissed off at this guy for pulling me over
he did his fucking job
you know when
i kidnapped that guy i kidnapped them i did that
i got four years i got all fucking easy they
should have thrown me in there for ten fucking years
but people don’t really how much
time did you actually do
18 months 16
months that’s a long time
it cost me two years of my life
you don’t know what your life how
pressured horrible
no it wasn’t
i was doing
standing on my head
but why people that’s to talk the
old i could do that time
standing on my
time bro and you do time
guys like you don’t it just another day in paradise
they’re gonna take this to a
place where we get the bullshit
about jujutsu
instead of two
hours a day
eight hours a day
you follow me and you eat whatever
your freedom gets lost but sucks
but it’s the people at home
it’s not you or whatever we
could i could do whatever the fuck i get
bro my jeans are from cuba
motherfucker tell me
about i smoke the weed castro
smoke before he went to the mountains to take over
you understand me now
what was a typical
day in prison like for you like at that six
months you’re in there six months
what’s a typical day living like a doctor
who liked it
bro you gotta remember
i went to prison for four years i got sentenced but
guess what i became
i became a stand up
comic i learned how to do
stand up in prison
on thursday
what they used
to have moving i didn’t even know that dog
they used to have moving that on
thursday night
so the projector
would always fuck up like you stream
it would always fuck up joey talking the
microphone it
would always fuck up so on thursdays
the people just jokingly
i would always go what the fuck is
wrong with the projecting everybody would say
cuba get up there and talk
so i would go up there on
thursday nights it was
you know two
hundred people
and like a hundred more
black so they go cuba
go up there and talk
and i would make fun of the
black guys like what
would be what
would you say
you know we make fun of the
kitchen you know
the fucking kitchen
this is the beginning of your
stand up career
beginning with
what you say you know we
should make fun i used to be that’s how the
movie’s fault i fucking the
first day in prison they made me a baker
you know you don’t
you don’t tell people what you want it’s like cuba
like yeah on the outside i was a mechanic really
well in here you a baker
here’s a book
learn how to make bagels
and i made these
cinnamon rolls
that almost blew up the
kitchen right
these motherfuckers are big
so that afternoon they
fired me as a baker
and they made me a fucking dishwasher
and the stockroom
clerk right
so i was the
dishwasher the
stockroom clerk
and whenever they had shitty meals
the guys i knew when they were
going through the line i
would yell do it
so i would go don’t do it how
often were the meals bad
three times a week
but it didn’t matter because at
lunchtime i was allowed to go to the
store for 15 minutes i worked it out
where i had a
drive to take garbage
so i would go to the
store for 15 minutes not only that
i would call in my order at the chinese restaurant
so it would be
ready by the time i got there so i would
go back to the prison with chinese food and groceries
that’s how strong i was in there plus
fuck around and
they were us
they were doing
steroids and selling drugs in prison please like a
i was in the
stockroom clerk so they had to pay me rent
so i cause they
never said you
stocked you
stocked i would say
yeah how hold your
voice because oh my god
three dollars you know
you gotta give me some cigarettes
i had roids
cigarettes i had pills in their
lap they weren’t mine
they just belong to
other people but you put them on the pallets
so i would give him a key whenever
they needed to go take shit out so they knew were the
connection i was that i was to know i was
the holder plus
how did they
get the steroids and somebody had to put it up
their ass yeah
whatever i don’t know
i don’t know i
never imagine
shooting a steroid in your
how do they
smuggle it in again
and then they get
then they put it
where that contact visits
right you do is
you take your
fucking kid and you fill his pockets with the yum yums
and while you’re making out with your husband
you say you
want to see the kid you pass the kid to the husband
and he takes the drugs out
then he gives you back the ugly kid
that makes me
that’s how henry
hill did it that’s how they do it same shit
it’s no you could
bro there’s more
drugs on the inside there was the ones on the outside
and to boot this was a minimum security camp
we had contact
visits when you have a contact visit
there’s parties
every night
you know what i’m saying
these motherfuckers
first time i didn’t know i was like the
second time i did everyone was it
i couldn’t do a needle so the mexicans took a mexican
thing a heroin melted it
i had to put like a funnel in my nose made out of
paper and they dripped it in my nose
and i got like candle wick burn out of my nose
what the fuck is this like that’s heroin man
be cool i was like this for like a day
the white dudes bikers would give me speed
and they would play basketball all fucking night on
be out there with them half of them
every week was a new event
i did every drug but the drug
they could be dudes that is
a movie that’s the movie
minimum security prison where everyone’s
partying and it’s just the greatest time ever
and it’s like a public when you get when you when you
you know you get released it’s like
want to thank you
which was even
talking to mike people keep complaining about
i was i was
i was i was
when i go to the halfway
house it was even better because i started loaning
money out to the index
as a loan shot
yeah because
they want to go out but if your rents not paid on
thursday you’re not allowed for the weekend
so the rent
would be sixty five dollars i give him
sixty five for ninety two
you know i’m saying like i’m
gonna give you 65
you gotta give me 92 tomorrow
and i had 10 guys on that row
bro i was a fucking machine in there
the biggest scam i had at the camp the
biggest scam i had was there was an old italian dude
from brooklyn he was like a half a mobster
and he had pool cards and he
could only do one card a week he
would make like
thirty bucks
and i went up to him i go bro you have a problem with
these cards i go you you give them to white guys
you’re not getting the
black population you’re not getting the fucking
specs and he goes i don’t know they won’t talk to me
i said give me the fucking cards we’re
gonna go partners
he went from selling one card
every monday to doing ten with me
cause i had
the brothers
i had the youngs
i had the puerto ricans i had the
whites at everybody
and it was amazing that’s why i really
learned that i
could really fucking do this
so on thursday
nights they
would say cuba fuck the
movie just go up there and talk
about the kitchen
and they were all
all the youngs
would yell don’t do it
it was hysterical
it was fucking
hysterical and i
would just talk
about and then i had this one
crazy black
guy this guy was anton spencer
his name was spencer antoine
from new orleans
and he was crazy
and he told me he told me he was in there for
eight years for involuntary manslaughter
and he was my mentor
that was my dog jack
he was fucking nuts and he
would tell me about
like one day some guy nail
him two dollars and he comes to the
kitchen he goes
did you see that guy and i go no i think he’s
packing and leaving
this motherfucker went and got a knife
he got him at the gate as if the guy was getting
other jays like
my fuck you better give my two dollars i was like
this guy was all and his parents and family had money
that the best attorney
from bro this guy killed somebody with his hands
and he got eight years
a black guy
in la downtown la
cause i was in a federal place
he beat him with his fucking hands
and got eight years
for the voluntary
manslaught he had like 50 000 dollar attorneys this guy
but he had a knife
he had a gold
tooth in his
mouth he was one of
those brothers and shit that his eyes
would go crazy
why do you think the gold tooth
thing really caught on in the
black community because it’s fucking
it’s like a pubic hair in your mouth you know
it’s all about blinging you know what i mean like
people look directly at your face so
you want to
you want to
catch your attention that’s why you got the necklace
that’s why you got the
watch but nothing beats the fucking tooth
next you know that’s why they
bring the glasses out too you
it’s like yeah but that
never caught on with the
white community that’s
where white people drew the line stop they went
we can’t join you on this one
you know white
people can’t join you on this one well mayhem what
about mayhem mayhem wears it as a goof he’s a character
in real life
okay listen
in real life mayhem ain’t walking around with a
grill on he
doesn’t like part of it is like to be
silly to be mayhem
you know but it’s not like he wants to be wearing
an iced out grill like
like fucking lil
wayne or something
i don’t know i
think he really likes it okay
if if that is the case if mayhem does that’s one
out of like you know
how many wiggers are there out there
hey a big number it’s a
giant number
and then i’ll
tell you all
right these are white guys
there’s not you know one thing
about white guys that wish they were
black they are
one they have all one thing in common they will deny
that they would rather be black than
they’ll deny
that shit no matter what
yeah you can
no i’m happy to be
myself you know i’m saying it’s just a hip hop culture
thing it’s just what i’m from it’s a hip hop
culture thing you know it’s
where i grew
up i grew up like this you know what i’m saying
i’m saying you know it’s all
about the game you know it’s all
about the hip hop game yeah
meanwhile they got an
oversized nba jersey you
always got red
pubic hairs
you can’t talk like that you get red pubic
hair son they try
extra hard you know
white guys want to be black have to try extra hard
it’s crazy though but
continue with
eddie what i was telling you was that
i went in there every thursday i get on
stage and then one day this is fucked up joe rogan
this is why i really dig you
because one
day the guy in the library was like a nerdy dude
the guy that ran the library and
i was friends with him we did ask that he was very into
nostradamus and
you know he
was intelligent but he had just he had some problems
some he went to prison
and the funny
thing was that one day he came
up to me in the jail and a notebook was a big thing
and i was getting
ready to get out and i didn’t even thought
about it he
came up to me and he goes hey bro i got your notebook
and i go what’s the notebook for you
so when you get out you can
write some jokes
he goes every
week you write jokes i
never see the notebook and i looked at him and i go
i don’t even
write and this
went nuts he goes you don’t
write and you go up there
every week and do that
he goes when you get out of here
it was like an angel
it was like an
angel i never seen the guy
again i never
heard from him again
he just goes
what i watch you do you really need to
write and get it together
because you have a gift just pursue this
and that guy
never even talked to me like he
never used to talk to me
i don’t just set it out of the blue
out of blue came up to me when they goes wait wait wait
you know the the
the black guy
right no white guy
white nerd guy
that was like a really nerdy guy that
would always roll his own
cigarette so some
random guy came up
you got talent
yeah i said do you
think do you
think that if
you didn’t go to prison if you didn’t have that
experience of talking in
front of those people that you probably
never would have done
stand up or
stand up something
that was in the back of your head anyway
it was in the back of my head the prison really
woke the animal up because
you thought
about it before i
had thought
bro because you had to be
funny before prison anybody who
heard the niggas
crazy by richard
pry you had to
think of he pushed it so hard in that
before prison
the life of the party
yeah i thought i was always good
at the deli
i was always
love telling
stories yeah i was always good with that shit and then
the thing that really got me was
when you go to prison they do a diagnostic on you and
and i like to
get an attorney another really that’s the only
thing that irks me
about my life like a lot of times
people say i
slept with this guy
with me as i always wanted to know was on that
paperwork because it was an intense
psychological valuation
it just wasn’t a guy with a
piece of paper saying what do you
think when you see a star
like they put shit in my head
electrodes and
all this shit was
three days of mental testing
and it was eat me
alive and i wanted to know i kept asking the counselor
who was from
mississippi he hated
black people he hated
he told me to my face
my counsel told me because i hate
he goes i hate all you bug fuckers
spics and nigga i mean that’s how
you counseling
oh my god and he
goes i go bro what are
his name is mr blue i go what are you
gonna fucking tell me what’s on there
and one day he’s like you
really want me to tell you what’s on here bug fucker
that’s what he
would call me to my face bug fucker
he goes i’ll tell you what’s on here mr bug fucker
it said that
if you really wanted something and i had it
that you would take it from me
he goes now you do what the fuck you want with that he
threw me out of his office
and i felt like a
thief for three days that’s what i read it at
but what he was trying to tell me was
that anything i wanted in my life that’s what that said
that i could do anything you want dog you
could do do it
that’s what
he was saying that’s what he was trying to beat around
and like by
calling you a bug fucker no by saying what he said
right and the
lady came up to me he goes hey did you
understand where i was
going with that
he goes you’re a
smart guy you’re not one of
these guys usual
you know someone
experience tell us
about your first
stand up gig
do you remember it
yeah i remember what made you go up that night
do you consider the ones in prison your
first stand up gigs
i’m talking
about first official at a club like your
first time you went up like a
but i’m thinking
that if you did it how many times you do it in prison
you really were doing like overnight
tonight i was doing
every thursday for sure
if that’s not a
movie i don’t
watch it times
so you had material did you have material
planned out
did you have
stuff that you repeated
no what was the first club
can you imagine repeating a joke in
front of those young
shit and all
those crazy
whooped out
mexicans that’s the
first time i really
knew about the
whole heritage
they would sneak in fucking
green chili burritos
tremendous really
who had the best
tattoo artists
was it the mexicans mexicans always have wild i was in
jail with two
generations of mexicans at one time
i was in jail with the grandfather the ayales
the father and the son whoa
whoa that’s really that’s
once you start seeing that
thing you know
that’s wow and he’s been a movie
right now but
this is fucking
crazy and i always wanted to
shoot somebody and be a criminal
for that point
i didn’t you know i always thought
about that my life deserve more than to
spend it in here
that’s what prison did for me bro
it wasn’t if people come up to me go how bad was prison
prison is how bad you make it for me
for fucking me
and open my eyes i became a
stand up comic
yeah it just
gave me that opportunity to see by the way you see
the show about that dude that
robbed millions what’s that guy’s name two years ago
guy that went away
the puns he schemes
if you get a chance
watch that on fucking
msnbc what is this show on
msm party made off yes
where they took a
free show from
north carolina now
he went right in and teamed up with the fucking mob he
paid people
he don’t give a fuck that guy
about people well you talked into
did people have to tell you that you were
funny that you
should go on
stage did people tell you that you
should do that
yeah tell us
about the first time on stage
if you don’t remember
the first time
i would consider the
first time he was on
stage the okay
the first time
outside of prison right the
first time because
my first time on
stage was an open mic
night but before i went to the open mic night
it was a locker room
yeah yeah i
understand that
i like your first
night officially as a comedian
is an interesting one
it’s here yours
but i’m so curious
about yours the
truth is the
truth of the matter
is now you get down with it you don’t remember about a
month now come on dog
about a month ago i got a call from a friend of
mine and we were talking
that i hadn’t
talked to i hooked up with him on facebook and he said
something to me goes bro i knew on that bus ride home
that you always
gonna be an
entertainer and i
asked michael
what are you talking
about he goes
do you remember
after freshman
basketball you
would get on the bus and fucking go off
every night
he goes it got to the
point where the bus drivers
wouldn’t pick you up anymore
because we used
to go on and do the theme from the odd couple
and then i would go into a fucking
twenty minutes skit
all the way
we got to the
thing and i even
wrote a blog
about it that
after he told me that like i called a
bunch of people from
those days and i go bro
what do we used
to do on the bus now like you don’t remember
we used to take over fucking buses the number one bus
90th street to 38th street
we ran and you were the fucking host of mc
and i’m like wow and i
started thinking i’m like that’s right
so if i really go to that that was
freshman year
basketball wow
where i used to
light the buses up
every time and they
wouldn’t fucking
pick i remember that like being out there
for two different bus drivers and they
would pick you up because you guys are too fucking loud
wow that’s hilarious
but then in
school you know
no one ever considers that
maybe this guy
should be a
stand up comedian
they just go we got a silence him we got to stop this
we got to teach some discipline to you
the lack of discipline is really what makes someone a
comic though
i wasn’t a stand up at all like in that
sense like growing up but i was always
every year i was always
depending on the
teacher i had
cause junior high
in high school you have like
seven teachers
i was always
the dude to
start shit play
pranks and always
unless the teacher
was mr enders you
never did shit you just fucking
he was a bad
motherfucker he goes you
wanna act up
you wanna talk
we talked about this before in the podcast
who’s mr anders
mr anders 10th grade
i think geology i don’t remember
there’s no way to tell you know the
funny thing
about someone
becoming a comic is there’s no one who
could have pulled you aside
and said what you really need to do is become a comic
it’s like you almost have to
experience all this resistance
to your personality to regular life
then that forces you into being a comic
it’s like someone
can’t just come up to you and go this is what you
really need to do you really need to be a comic like
you need to go through all the bullshit in life to
experience that before someone comes
along and tells you you know
how old were you when you
first got on stage
thirty thirty
twenty nine i was
i was 21 it would have been better if i was 30
cause when i was 21 i didn’t have shit to say
i have no opinions about anything can a 15
year old comedian
stand up to
me because there’s a lot of guys yeah they can be
funny can they be funny they can be
funny if that’s what they
my problem was when i was 21
my whole life from 15 to 21
was all just taekwondo
tournaments and kickboxing that’s all i did that was 24
hours a day
that was all i thought
about i didn’t really consider the world
i didn’t want to be a
loser and i wanted to be really
good at taekwondo and i wanted to win the nationals and
i wanted to compete in the olympics i had all
these ideas
but i didn’t know
about fucking politics i had no clue
as to what was
going on in the
world i didn’t even
think about it for a
second all i thought
about was this
and getting laid that’s all i thought about
so when i started
going into comedy i
literally had no opinions
i know how to
kick somebody i know how to kick somebody in the head
and i know i like pussy hmm
so all the jokes were
pussy jokes
jokes were sex jokes for like the
first year and a half
that’s all i
wrote cause
when i’m 21
years old what the fuck kind of opinion did i have
that was interesting on anything if i told you anything
about anything
other than sex or kicking somebody in the head
you would already know what i was
gonna say way in advance
no i didn’t have enough life
experience my life
experience is very limited
i hear that a lot that people too
young to sing
but when you’re 30
if you’re the kind of comedy you do
where you look at you
look at you you
stupid fuck
you know you do that kind of comedy where you
point some shit out
you can’t point some shit out at 21
you’re not saying
was i gonna listen to you
they’re not
gonna listen you
unless you’re some
super genius
and even then it’s probably not
gonna be funny
you know
i just i wrestled with it for a
while i was a roofer after i got locked up
i roofed for one week
roofed for fucking two or three years i saw some cause
i went to school and then
so i was sick and tired of people telling me try it and
i was getting breakfast one morning opened up a
paper and there was
be a stand up comedian
class for 33
and i took it
i was not funny at all
i was not a funny person i wasn’t funny
until i started doing taekwondo
and we would
fight and compete
in tournaments and everybody be nervous
you’d be nervous even in a locker room when you’re
about to go work out
cause somebody
might just get kicked in the face and
knocked out it happened all the time guys
got knocked out in
class all the time they get kicked in the face
and you would get
fucking terrified and so i was always
cracking jokes to
break detention
i was always the guy who was doing
impressions of
other people on the team that was
the first time
that i became
funny cause
other than that i just i didn’t
think i was funny
i loved comedy though
man god damn i just thought the idea of it was so crazy
first time i saw richard pryor
live in the
sunset strip
i couldn’t fucking believe this guy was just talking
he’s on stage just talking it was one of the most
profound moments of my
young life i was like 13 i think
i was in the audience and i was just looking around
and people were falling out of
their chairs
laughing and i was
holding my stomach
remember my stomach was hurting because i was
laughing so hard
and i was thinking how
crazy is this guy’s just talking
he’s just talking
and what he’s saying is way funnier than any
movie i’ve ever seen
i was thinking of
stripes at the time
cause stripes was this amazing
movie you know bill
murray the funniest guy ever and
chevy chase and they’re together in this
movie and it’s incredible
this was way funnier and this is just a guy talking
he was just talking delirious is what
got me when i was like 13 12 or 13 when i came out and
me and my brother
watched it at his
girlfriend’s house
who lived with her mom
and we were
watching it with my brother’s
girlfriend we were fucking
dying cause they’re the only ones that had like
it was a vcr or something no one had vcrs we were dying
then the mom came home
and we stopped laughing
and she was
standing right there
we did we just
froze we’re like oh shit we’re
gonna get busted there
was destruction yes she
stood there
heard fucking
eddie murphy go off
and she didn’t say shit she
doesn’t she didn’t say hi or nothing she
was fuck hmm
we didn’t laugh at all
she went upstairs
bam and then
that was the funniest shit
ever ever yeah delirious was at the time
he took it to a whole new level
that destruction it’s terrible now but yeah
it’s not funny is it funny
when i was a kid man that was the best shit i was the
greatest how many does not hold up man it
is not a lot of it does not hold up
most old stand up comedian ever wanted
like some old bob hope shit
oh it’ll make you want to jump out of fucking window
letty bruce too
old yeah some of
that shit you kidding me
fucking hilarious
still got some shit
the time listed the timeless it is
early kinesin
that’s will always be
lenny bruce has a few timeless moments he’s got this
he goes homosexuals they want to make
homosexuals illegal so dig this this is what they do
they take a guy who’s gay
and they put him in prison with a
bunch of guys who want to have sex with him
i mean come on man he
knocked that shit out of the park in like 1950
that’s funny that’s funny
that would stand up now
when you go dig this man dig man dig this man so
catch this but towards the end he went
crazy towards the end he would just go on
stage with his illegal
papers and read from his legal documents
he was out of his mind he was fucking nuts bro
what’s another what’s another classic lenny bruce
there’s not that many
it’s cloud oh
yeah he had one about
he goes out catholics man i don’t think they get it
you know it’s like
you know jesus comes back you think he wants to
see across it’s like
a guy walking around with an electric chair on his neck
so let me ask you
something lenny bruce did that first yes before bill
hits yes yes
yes wow yeah
is lenny bruce’s joke
that’s pretty deep
when i seen
when i heard bicentennial nigga and mmm
i said richard
prior son and
shit from that
remember so many
you have to look at a couple
yeah that’s one from you have
to see the best one from whatever is hey man
say nigga you with the cape
why you looking
window what’s your name boy dracula
what kind of name is that for nigga
where you from fool
i know where it is nigga
you ain’t the smartest motherfucker in the
world you know but you is the ugliest
oh yes you ugly motherfucker
and what’s that dirt on the back of your neck
you a filthy little motherfucker too
you better go home before the sun come up i ain’t lying
see your ass in
the day you might be looking at arrested
you wanna suck what
suck some black niggas you
you some kind of freak boy
an ugly freak oh that’s damn
joey you just
cracked it that was my heart
that was my
heart guys i listened to that he had
mud bone in there
oh mud bone chinese restaurant
mouth give me another give me another old billy
our gang beautiful man
one more another
sound bite our gang mud bone goes to hollywood
chinese restaurant when he told
i knew jesus yeah
i met that nigga at the railroad depot
i told him don’t you
go down there messing with them jews without no money
was the jesus that was great but by some
time they were there he goes to the baptism
in the face like a lion and a body like a serpent
i don’t know about you but i don’t wanna see no
motherfucker that looks like that you’re funny
man when i was a kid when i was in high
school my me and my
girlfriend bethany
we used to come home from high
school and i
had a cassette player when you listen to richard
parker cassettes
and just giggle
cause we knew we
shouldn’t be listening to this just giggle and laugh
dude there was
this guy that i work with at ups we work next to each
other on and
on an assembly line when we’re sorting
boxes is just we’re just
there’s a fucking
conveyor belt with
boxes and we’re sort
of that that’s a dude man dude
that’s a that’s a
wow we shift
nightmare that’s
230 to seventh
oh my god god my life was waking up at fucking 1
30 oh that’s
1 30 was you know what if you
would kept that job
today they would have paid job for two million
that was that’s
about it just got bought up yeah my
buddy did that you can you imagine he had the same job
since high school oh my you
would have to go on 11 15 and work till three
high school
as a senior in junior
but guess what
when ups went public they paid that
three million dollars
three million
they went public because he had 30 years of
stocks they were just giving away stocks
like just give this guy he’s a part timer
there was a nightmare man that was
so much what he stopped talking to his brother and
everything i’m talking to his brother
the brother club is like
brother have business investment opportunities
people always have
business investment opportunities
no there was this guy
this black guy that i worked next to we fought a
lot man we had box wars and shit it’s a long story man
he was pissed off that
his conveyor
belt was busier than mine
and i was the new guy
he was fucking pissed but anyways
he would always have a ghetto box
and he fucking played andrew
is a black guy
named phil collins
a black guy
named phil coles
he was always
angry that he got them the busy belt
boxes were coming for
you’ll throw
boxes at me and shit i’m like god damn it
this sucks i gotta quit
but anyways he
would always play andrew
dice clay in a ghetto box
he knew andrew
dice clay ever
yet at that
point it was like 1990
andrew dice
had a couple
he had a few cds at that
point he knew
everything he
would put a different one
the day the
laughter died
he was just
going back and forth and
it was you know
that’s my story
about and comedy
by the way i
gotta tell joe
while we’re on this subject
it’s very interesting
i used to always tell you about
ups people used
to always tell me how they used to ship ship on
ups and i take them aside and go
don’t ship none on ups
because my buddies ran
the paramus one and
yes is they have a little gate
where they have
rolexes and diamonds because they ship all the
world’s diamonds on ups
a lot of people don’t know that
and they have a gate
so when that
bell goes off that means the security gate go opens
and they would have
these conveyor belts
and these guys
would have to sort shit out
well mike next to
buddy’s rotation
throw it under the conveyor belt
and it would get
stuck and rip open
oh dude i got shit off
top shit from my
buddy used to show up with rolex presidentials bitches
and they were selling for ten k cash selling
three a week
making eight fifty an hour ups selling
three presidents did not know there was so many getting
stolen because they’re on insurance anyway
this is a long time
for surveillance cameras
cameras rip open
because the
boxes ripped they
would just want to take the box and throw on the
floor they have tracking numbers
they know where it stops
they would take the box and throw it in the conveyor
belt so the belt would break it
box open and
they would say the watch got damaged it’s in
pieces go get it the watch was in their fucking pocket
with the warranty and everything
so a twenty thousand dollar
watch that you would they would sell
three a week these kids
each of them would yanking 90 grand a week out of that
plus diamonds
plus anything else that came out of fucking ups
those cocks
good old that was the
worst job ever
you don’t move
it was so bad
that the position i had i thought it was a
promotion like i thought it was moving up
up in ups and
the way you get into ups is hard because i was working
as a temp at the united
states post office
and that shit was only six
months or a year something like that
and it was coming to an end
so i had to get another job so i had
people that worked at ups they go dude
try ups it’s
gonna be really hard
to get in though
they hire three out of 30 people that they come in
they bring 30 people and they hire
three and i’m like
dude they’re looking for
warriors dude
it’s really hard it’s really hard two
thirty to seven
thirty and they work you four
hours like a fucking dog
but they paid you eight
bucks an hour
and minimum wage back then was
three thirty five so it was like
i want that fucking money
you know so
i went in there just bullshitted my way through it
i went to the fucking interview
and and they go why do you
think you’re good for this job mom
i love working
in the middle
at graveyard
shift i’m always up
i have so much energy i just wanna
so much energy at that time
i love hard work i don’t
wanna work retail and deal with people
i wanna work in the back
basically what i did was like what you
would do to a
chick you try
to pretend that you’re something you’re not yes totally
dude when they called the
three finalists
and it was one of them was me and i’m like fuck yeah
i came and i knew i just bullshitted my way through
you guys had
finalists and there was
three of them
yeah dude it was
three out of 30 people
they fucking called our name
we fucking come in
and then they take us they
give us on a tour of ups
tremendous warehouse so did you say i really
think my career is here yes
all that shit
all that shit
i could see
retiring with ups so at
first the when you
first come in this is 130 you’re unloading semis
their first job is you get in the semi though two
worst motherfucker
there’s all
these semis and go you’re part of the semi crew
you’re just putting
fucking boxes
on conveyor belts and then the conveyor comes out
and then the
first guy sorts it by zip code and he has a
bunch of belts behind him
and he’s going for it
so i’m in the fucking
truck going fuck
working hard
going i gotta get out of this fucking
truck i need to be in the
sword is all the dust in here
this is for the fucking
slaves fuck this shit
so finally they i bumped up now i’m a splitter
and they time your ass
their time they’re like hiding in the
comparable time
how many packages can you
sort yes you
have to dude you can’t
think you’re like
there’s nine belts behind you and you’re like fucking
going crazy
but i would know when they were watching
i would know i was like
i’m like i’m like always looking around
always looking i’m like oh this
gonna tie me
i would miss sort
everything i was just
i was just mis sorting shit
they don’t know who the fuck mis sort shit
and after we would have our meeting or it was a
great day you guys did
great like the team leader
fucking edgar bravo again
the record holder for
today the guys on fire he’s doing great
i was the fucking
dude i was the man and you
really sucked i wasn’t that good but i
can see them timing my ass
and when it was time for the big
promotion way up the conveyor belt
like the dude who sorts for the actual
trucks that are going out the conveyor belt yeah
they go we go up
the promotion goes to
edgar bravo
for his fantastic work and his fantastic times
like oh shit i got a
baby now what a
whack system
definitely not know you were
horse horse shitting them dude
they just whack
that’s hilarious
they don’t get miss sorted because there’s
conveyor belts that go for fucking
like hundreds of yards and they’re
going through all this shit
it’s complex
by the time
when down the road in the conveyor belt they see a miss
sword that’s a miss sword
goes to the miss
sword i on it comes all the way back
i don’t know who the fucking sort it
they make mistakes
all the time you don’t know what the fuck’s going on
they’re fucking idiots
well anyways um
i thought i got a
promotion got a
fifty cent raise
and i’m sitting there
back to back like
mirror you’re sorting for people behind you
and i’m sorting for people behind me
and it’s me and phil collins and we’re
going i’m the
they the reason the guy quit i didn’t know he
couldn’t handle working with phil collins
cause phil collins was
like just this bean fucking
black guy that
would fuck really cool before work
started where
everyone went to what
about the jets
oh my god did you see fucking boomer cyacin
he was on fire
everybody was really fucking cool
two o’clock
in the morning
but once it starts
you start fucking getting pissed
and he would get pissed that i
that i was getting help
because i was new i was fucking out
the guys were always helping me the managers
but they weren’t helping him
so fuck man that was the
worst job ever i
ended up quitting
they were begging me to come back because
to get a guy to get
you it takes like two
months to fucking have that shit wired
it takes a long time and
until you get it
wired the fucking
guys got to help you the managers got to help you
they knew they don’t want you to quit
we just put in a fucking
nine months in with you
you better not quit
i would quit that were begging me to come back i’m like
i’m gone my back hurts i faked a back injury i just
give me the fuck out of here well we’re all
happy you did that
yeah because then
we would have lost you bro you
would have been
yes i would have been
ups only a blue belt
you’ve never gone abu dhabi
fucked up thank god for phil collins if you’re out
there thank you man
thank you phil colin how do you
spell ran from
h i l c o o
c o l l e i don’t remember man because it was
phil collins
is a drummin and there was a guitar player from
they’re calling
def leppard
def leppen you
think you’re dealing with some fucking novice
here you know
what’s up what’s the song of the week
how about fucking
i can’t play songs on us
i we fucking
on the way up here
listening to
leonard skinner
who i never even seen coming out of the woodwork
but i heard
whatever free bird oh my god they fucking around thug
where they yeah
leonard’s kid
had some fucking gemini
all them brothers
those sweet home alabama to this day year
don’t don’t
don’t he says
turn it up oh my fucking come on
that’s it turn that
motherfucker all time
jam that’s an all
time jam fuck the rent money
so what you got
going on this weekend
i got nothing
man i was gonna go to
sal’s and i don’t know what happened then
sal’s comedy
holes temporarily
just goes down because he’s got no liquor
license you’re not doing nothing this weekend
just chillax and
i gotta keep writing and then
austin you guys are doing a gig in austin
yeah that’s
the 14 that’s the 14 that’s a wednesday i got bray
the next wednesday
to tuesday the
ufcs on a wednesday tuesday
night joe rogan
joey thea ari
just you and joey
and austin beautiful i’ll be there too
laughing doing my thing to next wednesday
brian yeah oh next wednesday is your monthly show yeah
who’s doing
that with you i’ll do that with you yeah
let me know what’s cracking
i’ll do that
that’s really get big it’s been a lot of fun
yeah you’ve been selling that place out
right yeah man we’ve been doing good fucking numbers so
every month joey does
where can they find out about the show the brea improv
and improv calm
seven one four four eight two oh seven hundred
where could they like the other
when you’re gonna be there
if you go on the
if you go on the brayer schedule has me on there the
you have your website updated
no i have the beauty and the beast website
you gotta update your website your website i mean
you’re always doing something
you know i got a lot of people that
would like to know where you’re gonna perform they know
but no i know
we need to get you a real website with a
real schedule
you hit him up on twitter sure bro
and if you don’t know joey’s twitter it’s on the you
stream page you can see it there but matt
flavor m a d
f l a vor i don’t know
about that brian knows all
about this and i’m glad that you’re finally at least
connected to
the internet and really into this and for you were
right a lot of blogs for a while
i still write
every monday do
you put them
where do you put them up myspace
joey’s on the internet
still rocking myspace
because that’s where i
started with that it’s too hard to transfer a mobile
no you copy and
paste well here’s
the problem i have something different
sucker i have
three different batches of people
my facebook has more family people
i grew up with
i don’t want and
they know but they don’t know you know what i’m saying
twitter people my people on here you
motherfuckers are the best
i can talk about eating
ass i can talk
about stabbing puerto ricans
you guys are the best myspace
i go all out but there’s nobody left just like me
and a couple people
but i write my blog
on myspace just because i
started on there sometimes i get
if i get a lot of hits real
quick i’ll put it on twitter or something it’s
kinda weird how myspace just fuckin
it’s hard i’ve
never seen anything
like that but it
was so popular
and just got crushed
i don’t know
about that we just keep moving i
think facebook
is a better product i don’t even
like my myspace i don’t even
put i don’t even bother advertising for seminars at all
you know yeah i don’t
my shows anymore on myspace i just
keep it up for the
music people want to hear my music
my music’s up on myspace
that’s it but i don’t fuck i don’t fuck with the
gets a part of it
facebook’s just so much
smarter with
their updates and shit
like can go to your timeline see all this different
shit that’s happening it’s kind of interesting
you know bob’s
in a relationship with lisa oh no shit huh
click this it’s crazy
just go busy body and
start fucking
looking through it by the way
september nineteenth i’m in rochester a
tenth planet
rochester with chris herzog
what’s it that
september 18
september 18th is rochester that’s
a saturday september 19th is the viper room on the
sunset grill
i know that
strip it’s got
those dates
wrong man for some reason i believe
the eighteenth is saturday
yeah the eighteenth is rochester and the nineteenth
is the viper room
yeah and the
viper room with
you want to get on the
guest list twister bravo
at sbc global
net i’ll put you on the
guest list if you’re in la
september 19
sunday 9 p m
10 this is your band
yes september
eighteenth bro
eighteenth is saturday
night yeah eighteenth is
rochester rochester
okay so the
sunday is the the viper
room yes yes
sunday night
viper and the
monday is a holiday so come on
bitch is it really is
there’s another
opening of the
ufc gym on the
eighteenth i’m
going to rosemead
oh shit columbus
columbus is september columbus
20th is probably columbus day
and october 10th is
something else i guess
also my new websites up all the techniques
are free on it all the shit that i put up on my website
is all free of
stuff that i charge for before
up until october first so
watch them all
ten planet jj com
click techniques please
thank you so
your chick got fucking picked up for cocaine
this weekend in
vegas that dummy
which one on
paris silvers
what happened her homeboy this what i tell you don’t
smoke in the car cock suck i
smoke don’t
smoke in the car
it’s a running joke that joey diaz will just
hop into a fucking car in the middle of a police parade
doesn’t mean shit he’ll just
start lighting that joint
where’s the reefer cocksucker
what are we doing there we playing games
they’ll just start
lighting joints and i’m always
thinking we’re
gonna get pulled over and we’re
gonna get you
know this is not good you’re not supposed to
smoke weed in the car so
we should have a rule
you should never
smoke weed in the car don’t smoke weed
while driving
i don’t it just
smells it up too much this is the reason
like an hour you’re vulnerable
you know well not only that it’s just stupid
she was smoking the windows were open
and the fucking
smoke got out and there was a bike cop or
something yeah and
right away drove
right by him and
smelling weed
smell the weed
so he pulls them over and finds coke in her car
well this bitch
asked to go
to the bathroom goes to the bathroom forgets to
you know when you got pulled over the
first thing you do is you take that illegal substance
put in your fucking snatch
especially if
you’re abroad if you’re a guy putting your ball sack
where did this happen
touch in vegas oh
yeah she in jail
no no she got let out but
i think nancy
grace was very
upset who is she to be let out of jail
if it was you or i
we would be in there
right now speaking
of people bro
speaking of dr phil
i read some
stuff from the
tabloids that he’s having
trouble with his wife is that all bullshit
is that bullshit or is that real
what do you think
fuck that no no no
i don’t i don’t
like hundreds of millions of
dollars and i bet you bitches bomb
no no what i’m saying is
i don’t give a fuck what anybody does in
their own life with
their marriage i don’t wish
any harm in
their marriage i hope everyone fucking
that motherfucker dr phil
that mother i’m
gonna enjoy
watching his life fall apart
he’s a fucking
idiot man i hate that guy wow
strong word
i hate that fucking guy he’s a fucking backstabber to
the the male
gender come on
that guy’s the biggest fucking he’s a traitor
he’s hustling whatever
everyday i’m hustling
it’s gonna be funny
it’s gonna be funny to
catch him busted with hookers and shit i know that’s
gonna be fucking hilarious
it’s gonna be interesting
what does happen to him he’s
gonna have to be very careful
about his image if he does get divorced he
could be total
horseshit and he
could be getting
along with his wife
great but if
if he gets divorced and he’s out there wilding
he’s out there dating
because there’s
gonna be bitches that
wanna set him up try to get on tmz
how about the dr phil
sketch that was on the man show that was a two parter
remember that shit
on the man show
it was a reality when a guy that was posing as
a dr phil had a fake book signing and people
showed up and
thought it was
all kinds of crazy shit
like the girls were in line
get they didn’t even know it was him it looks like him
but i probably didn’t fool everybody
but man it was a
total punk like he
would say like when
he was signing the
i got some coke back in the
hotel room you down and girls be like
yeah let’s do this
girls were down
he hit and then he was he was making moves on this one
chick and from
under the table
a girl came out
like he had been getting a blowjob and just walked away
and he just kept talking to me you want to party
get your friends let’s go i got some coat
and they were
fucking down
it was it was so
funny that sketch it was so much material
it was the only
comedy it was the only man show
sketch that two parts
they did it
again the next
week there was so much material yeah yeah
it was too funny
if stan hope and i had a real show
where we could have really done what we wanted to do it
could have been very interesting
there was two problems with doing that man show
one was that
i was doing fear factor at the same time that was
crazy days way too
crazy days dude
in the middle
of all that
man show shit i’m training
for abu dhabi
i’m looking for
the man show depressed out of my mind it was the worst
from day one
inside i wanted to kill myself i’m like this
fucking is not what i thought it was
gonna be well when it
started out
what it was supposed to be was supposed to be we
would be able to do whatever we wanted
the way they sold it to me was
explain the beginning
explain the beginning how they offered to you the show
while you were
on i was doing
fear factor and
they were saying we want you to take over the man show
and i was like
with who you know
and they said
well we have a
short list of peoples or anybody that you
would want to do
it with and i’m like there’s only one guy doug stanhope
i go that’s the only way it
would work i
go he’s the only guy that’s like that like fits
right in there with me like my
my sensibility rather
and so they said wow you guys
would be perfect you
could do it i’m like but it
would be too
restrictive they’re like no no no you don’t
understand a lawsuit
would be good for us the guy actually said this to me
he said if we got sued okay
it would be
great publicity
it would be
great and that’s
what we want to do we want to do nudity blur it out
if you want to
swear beep it out
essentially you
could do anything that you
would talk about
and real quick
we already had like ten fifteen ideas for sketches
even before that so
this was like a perfect
thing i remember you called me go dude
the fuck comedy
central wants me to take over the man show
how fucking
crazy is that we were just
we were thinking
so anyway what happened was yeah totally
it was it was very strange
and they came up to me and they
basically just
gave us a story
about what they were
going to be able to do for us we’re
going to have some show
it’s going to be
completely wild you can do whatever you want
but once we got in there it was a
completely different
story they had
really restricted ideas
about what the subject matter should be
the guy who was the
executive producer wind up
kind of hijacking the show and taking
other things
his direction
and this is the guy that me and doug hired
yes he had his own you
hired the head writer
he hated you you and him
you remember that right
yeah remember that the head
rider i remember you
going out to dinner because they were
before you signed you were like let me pick the head
rider and you said
can i hire my guys i’m gonna
bring in my guy what was your guy’s name the ball to
be honest none of
jones none the bald guy the comedians
mcguire yes you wanted to
bring in chris mcguire and
maddie kersch
and me and they said no no whatever you want to do man
whatever you have
total power
you have total
power dude and you’re like damn
and you called me and go dude they’re giving me
total fucking power
you go well i want to be able to hire the head writer
you went out met with some guys and you met with
giannis yeah
let’s not get too into this
i know what you’re saying but i don’t want to
throw tom giannis
under the bus i
think he’s a talented
guy he just did what he thought was the right show
and i wasn’t there
well i wasn’t
there in the network had real serious ideas
about what they wanted and you know
they were the
ones around the show and coming up with the
money and they had some real serious ideas
about what they thought was
funny and one
of them was they didn’t want joey on the show
and i wanted joey to come out the beginning of the show
naked and introduce everybody
he would come out with a
microphone the handheld microphone
let’s get this
party started
and joey’s dancing and
everything it was
probably one of the funniest
things we ever did and they fought to the
point of tears
this fucking chick
who i like very nice person she’s executive
she’s telling me
why is that
funny i’m like
how could it not be
funny i go you’re
gonna get joey
diaz he’s gonna run out
naked you pixelate
his balls the crowds
gonna go crazy
it’s gonna put him
in the perfect mood i just don’t see how this is funny
i don’t see how this is funny
tears are coming down her eyes
i go we’ll do two
intros we’ll do one without it and
we’ll do one with it we do one without you go out there
the fucking
place goes apeshit they are falling down laughing
it was hilarious
the best intro ever and i got that on camcorder
and so then i go to her and i’m like
i raise my hands up see told you
like you gotta
i know what i
think is funny
i’m capable of reproducing what i
think is funny
you might not
think it’s funny on
paper you might not
think it’s funny as i’m describing it to you but
i know it’s
funny to me
and if it’s
funny to me it’s
gonna be funny to
other people it just has to be but
these are things
that we have
executives that
went to college for four years
that’s why the reason chappelle quit
because it was
also the reason
why it turned
out it was the reason why adam corolla and jimmy
jimmy kimmel stopped doing it because
they they they gave up ownership of the show
so that they could have creative control
they gave up on because they’re
tired of these idiots
and they gave up
they like look look
look you guys can have the fucking show
we just want to be responsible for what gets done
and they for sure didn’t want to hire me
they said no no no once you sign they go no this
eddie bravo has no tv
experience why the fuck do we want him on the show
and they’re like no we’re not
going to hire chris mcguire and pot
it out but no
the problem was they didn’t
understand what
i was trying to do i was trying to i was like look
he says funny shit he comes up with some
funny ideas
he might not be like a writer
in as far as like he’s not
gonna come up with a
properly formatted sketch
you know without
everything he
could eventually do that but for
right now what he’s good at he’s good at
looking at things
funny smoking pot coming up with
crazy ideas
and you could you know
that’s what they
weren’t having it they
weren’t hearing it you had to use
it he wanted it to be his show
and i wasn’t there enough i was doing fear factor at
least three days a week
so for three days they
would be running this the show and doug
did not feel confident enough to take over he
would send me messages
he would call me up and go do this
fucking hell here this is just driving me crazy this
just this fucking
stupid sketch is getting in i can’t get this done and
and then the janet jackson nipple
thing happened and then we were fucked
because then
we already had approved they yanked out
they pulled
shit out of episodes
because after that janet jackson nipple fiasco
people who don’t know who
weren’t in show business to
a lot of people was nothing
some chick pulls her
tit out in a video
in a super bowl
thing rather
and it’s like who cares it’s kind of
gross it was stupid
they did something and it’s over
but to hollywood that cost people
money people
worried about
sponsors pulling out
people worried
about losing commercial
money and they acted man
they started
chopping up sketches and
removing bits and everybody went on a panic
they were all
sheep they just went on this
panic sheep run
banging into walls
tripping over themselves
trying to stop comedy
how about the
sketch that we
wrote that they
originally approved and they backed out of we were
gonna do extreme sack
fighting yeah
it was funny because i
never forget the day that that all went down
between you me and all
three of us
now i didn’t want to fucking be there either
it was the worst fucking
thing i was around it was a bad energy
right it was sarah
bad energy and i’ll
never forget that i went they made me rehearse
like jack offs that they were
and the guy tom giannis came over and oh it’s
hysterical we love it
then the next
day i go there and now everybody’s talking
about it was
hysterical to see all
these fucking
educated white people
walking around
like they didn’t know what the fuck to do
he’s gonna take his balls out
and he’s gonna run they
gotta kill and that’s it
so they all were arguing i
mean you should
see direction
we want to go in this is like a fucking hard
they did not want joe push this
with all his
might nobody
this is not a direction we want to go in oh
my you hired me
to do what i
think is funny
you told me you want to do some
crazy shit we’re
gonna do some crazy shit
and then they wanted me to be a juggie
a man juggie and take a piss
oh my crack
and i was like this ain’t
gonna happen
joey came running
yeah they like we want to
make up and
everything when joey came running
out all all bets were off they had to shut up for at
least that day so we had to
shoot two episodes
that day we had to
shoot two episodes
and i was gonna run through both of them
even after the
first one even
after they seen the laughter
they were like it’s not
gonna happen
but what got me was
i’m not familiar with this environment i’m a fucking
stand up comic at the time
i had done a couple
things but i wasn’t familiar with the whole
other side of this business
hollywood butchers lying
so the guy who was telling me to my face
how funny i am i
catch him when i get off stage
telling the comedy central people
that it was tasteless
and he thought it was terrible and he’s
gonna tell rogan
how my balls aren’t
funny and i
bust a dude
and all of a sudden i
look at him
and i fucking was raging and as i’m
at the end of the show i’m outside
and what really happened was
cause i don’t give a fuck
i was smoking a joint with a security
guard with this
black security
guard i whipped out a joint
right on this set you know i don’t give a fuck
and me and this the security
guard was like what you doing
smoking once
we went into a little nook and cranny on a saturday
remember they take on a saturday
and we sparked up and we got really fucking high
so now i walk in i got to put up with all that cut judy
brown all that shit
i’ll say this because i don’t give a fuck i walk in
and the guy comes and he goes to me
that was hilarious and i stopped and i go
how can you say that to me
how can you say that to me
i just see you with my own eyes
telling the people what
it wasn’t funny and
he didn’t see you when he was saying
right he didn’t see me
catching them
so i go how can you fucking say that to me
goes i go as a matter of fact i’m
gonna go in there and tell johnny goes you’re
gonna go tell joe
so you’re fired i go really
come here and i fucking go to
smack him you know me
dog i don’t give a fuck that guy’s a pussy
with his fucking bike he’s a
white biker
i’ll still smack you in the fucking
mouth fuck so
he goes outside
yeah he thought
he was bad to the ball with his bike he’s one of
these bikers from malibu bro he
could suck my dick
so the funny
thing is he’s outside by the pipe
that’s when i went to hit him
by the pipe and he hit his head with a pipe
and we’re outside and he’s sitting there like i’m not
going back unless joe diaz
leaves you’re a fucking man
and you’re sitting by a pipe like a little fucking girl
and all sudden my main
man had to come up to me jeff sussman he goes hey man
they don’t want you on a lot i
might as well
i gotta escort you off the line i remember i go sussum
and walk me over there
and i went over to put my hand down the guy
wouldn’t put his hand like a fuck you bitch
and he just looked at me like he was a
tough guy with his friends
and i remember he looked for the security guard
to throw me out he listen to security
guard the security
guard is like
we just smoked a joint
yeah i got his back it was very unfortunate
he was very political
and very very
deceptive no he
didn’t yeah
no he didn’t
we fucked up i fucked up in a
bunch of different ways on that show
but i fucked up with him i did not know he was that guy
thought he was a different guy
you know he turned
once he got in he wanted to
do it his way he decided that he was running shit and
it was a real problem remember the date day one day one
we walk in and we already have we
think that we have two episodes already done look
we’ve done all
these sketches that’s
about two episodes or
so we walked in
this we said
he goes we got these all
these episodes
ready to go
let’s do em
they said nah uh
you gotta write some new shit
forget about that that’s too
crazy and we’re not
gonna do that shit
start over so
right well it’s not that simple
there was no
of course a
bunch of sketches they had already prepared of course
of course of course i don’t think
this was day
fucking one
and day one they put me in a room with chris mcguire
and they go
write some jokes
about miami we’re
gonna go to miami
so now i’m i feel like i’m at high
school all day we’re trying to come up with
these ideas i’m like
fuck we have all
these other ideas that
what the fuck are we
right there i’m new like this is
day one the
first hour i’m like oh shit
by the fucking time that nightmare day ended
joe was there all day too
i go joe man i just can’t fucking
write here they’re
ignoring all the
other sketches that we did
and you were like yeah man
i can’t write here either i mean i had a writer’s
block here too just not the
right environment
so that day you told
giannis and the producers
hey me and eddie are
gonna write
at home we’re gonna
relax that’s when all the creative
juices come out
they said go
ahead get the fuck out of here
we’ll still pay
them they just wanted to get rid of me
so they from
i only work there the
first day and all
after that was
working at home
my job was i
had to write
we got together
a lot too but he was really busy with fear factor so
if we couldn’t get together i’d
write at home i’d have to have at
least one sketch
day so i’m at home
meanwhile i’m
training i’m
training for abu dhabi
going oh my god
this is not
what i thought it was
going to be fuck
i just quit my
strip job my
strip club job
strip dj job
for 10 years now i know this isn’t
gonna last day
one’s a disaster i’m like oh my god either the
show’s gonna get canceled
cause they were
green lighting
bunch of bullshit
every now and then occasionally something
would be funny like
the decapisac thing the
duck stanhope that was hilarious what we needed to do
with that show was we needed to have control of it doug
had to have control of it
and we had to have a producer
that was on the same page
and the other problem
we had with that show was that it was the man show
we should have been doing our own show we
should not have
been taking over someone else’s show that’s stupid
to me it was like a prepackaged
show that was like it was easy
it was like
being on fear factor
i didn’t really have the time to put something together
so this way
it’d be all put together but it was a mistake
and it was disrespectful to
those guys that
jimmy kimmel
and adam carroll i didn’t even
think it was at the time
i thought they had amicably
parted ways
cause jimmy wanted to do his talk show
and adam wanted to do his thing
but that wasn’t the case
they didn’t want the show to continue
they didn’t want
anybody else to do it and it was
their thing really so we shouldn’t have done the
first question you know i love you to all my heart
but is the air condition a
close by dog
like a fucking yoga
class in here
it’s on the
way i can go out in the hallway
we’re gonna end it a couple minutes anyway
i’m not sweating at all you’ve got
sweat on your fucking nose no i don’t or is that shiny
dude you got
my nose you got makeup on cock sucker
i got glistening god put some damage
oils i would have put one i
look slippery
what time is it
it’s almost five o’clock or four o’clock rather oh
you wanted to go to 420 symbolically
wanna end this at 420
or whatever i don’t give a you
gonna hang in
there with 20 minutes without air conditioning
no it’s too fucking hot
oh fuck think
about what mccain
went through in nom
i don’t give a
fuck with that cock sucker that was his choice
you know what i’m saying
i came up here to a
house i thought you had the air on
there’s on man it’s really
we didn’t even really talk
about the ufc man let’s do it what the fuck
oh yeah well we
might as well
right it’s what you think
about bj and frankie
edgar i thought
you know bj
the game plan like
when they were in between corners
they didn’t seem
to have a game plan the game plan was like kick his ass
you know the game plan was like
but there was no leg kicks
you know i mean
i want to see it way more leg kicks i thought
he can land leg kicks he’s landing them and
every one of
those leg kicks takes the spring out of your step
you’re dealing with a guy who can’t
you can’t catch him he’s so fast reggie
edgar is a lightning bolt he’s all over the
place yeah he’s too fast
he was able to land leg kicks bj landed a
bunch of leg kicks
when he tried
but the attempts
were not that many
i know it takes a lot of energy but he
should have been
throwing a lot more leg kicks i think bj
tried his fucking ass off look at the
fifth round he went
after him i just
think frank
frankie edgar is that good oh no
doubt he’s so fast
he never gets
tired he could do 25
rounds he never
starts so fast
his wrestling is top notch
his striking is amazing he’s hard to hit he’s
hard to get a hold of not taking anything away from
frankie i just thought bj’s game plan it just didn’t
the game plan i don’t
agree with his advice the advice in the corner
i don’t know
it wasn’t any advice they were just give it whatever
kick his ass whatever that announce
whatever you want to call i don’t know this from that
but the last two
fights against whatever
that was not the same guy seen
against diego sanchez there’s something more there
yeah it could
be a lack of
motivation it
could be you know he needs to mix
things up well the difference
between the camp
the difference between
frankie edgar
stand up and
diego sanchez stand up
there’s a huge difference but that’s a his hit but
dj hurt diego
early on the fight
that fight was over
it was perfect
you didn’t have any fucking tenacity
bj was well it
could be because
frankie edgar
counters that tenacity with his speed
it could be that bj gets
frustrated and you know he loses
he gets a little disheartened we’re seeing some
evolution we’re seeing
an amazing wrestler
with serious
stand because
for the longest time bj had the best hands at
no one was fucking with bj he was the best boxer
now frankie
edgar looks
like his technique i mean it’s totally different
but it seems like he’s just too fast
too good he’s working too hard
and i think you know
maybe bj might
you know a switch
like you mentioned
a switch of camps
maybe might not hurt or add
something new i
think frank
jaeger is kicking it to a
whole other
level athletically
speed wise endurance wise the way he can move his
training camp must be insane he’s a fucking worker
machine he’s one of
those little dudes you can’t fuck
with someone’s been fucking with him all of his life
and he built up a
level of tenacity
that not that many people can handle his
mentality is fucking perfect
is a randy coutures
mentality you know what i mean
and his cardio and his endurance and his will
but you know if
you look at like the way he moves he moves better than
randy oh no
no for sure i’m talking
about the mental
game and you know people are saying
oh he’s not stopping people he’s stopping some people
which you have to realize though is he’s
quite a bit smaller
than everybody else in the division he’s
154 pounds for real
legit i think
ultimately he’s
throwing with
with evil intentions
he just hasn’t developed the
power yet but i believe
you know within the next couple years two
three years
maybe five years
he’s gonna be
crushing people because he comes in
he comes in to
blast a hundred percent now with pj you
heard veach
and veach is a
tough guy you know
and he you know he
dropped him before he strangled him
and you know his
stand up when he was
fighting with sean shirk
he totally out kick box sean
sure yeah he’s a bad
motherfucker dude
it’s gonna be interesting
though the rematch with gray maynard that’s gonna be
very interesting very interesting
maynard’s a hard guy to beat man
you know you
complain all you want about his
style the problem he presents
problems you know what’s the solution to that problem
you got to be
able to stop him from taking you down man he’s a
powerful motherfucker and he’s a good
wrestler or you
gotta have a wicked fucking dustin hazlet
guard or something you know even more than
wicked than dustin
hazel it’s really
right cause dustin hazlitz couldn’t do shit
against rick’s
story you know
it’s more he needs like some fucking ao
well well he’s
going down to 55 because he
should be there
clearly ricky story was
three times
stronger than dustin hazley
right but so you know josh burkeman
strong as fuck too and
dustin had no problem with him
yeah but i think
ricky story is
stronger than
josh burkeman dude
yeah he went out he’s
from washington and he’s rolled with gerald one of my
black belt a lot and gerald
can he calls me to tell me
about the roles with with
ricky story said
he’s fucking amazing
these are so
powerful and good
very technical
you know you’re
gonna see him
start to develop some finishing too he’s all into
evolving and adding
weapons to his game constantly
and he’s into that
young and he
shows our better
yeah and he’s
his fucking mental game
that guy goes in there and fucking
he loves to destroy
dude can’t react
he’s up against the cages are ripping his body with
punches like oh
it’s very hard to deal with you know he’s
doing everything he
could just to stay
alive this guy was just
crushing them with punches
yeah i think about randy and tony
frankie edgar might need to go ahead
frankie edgar
might to really need to
take his guard game to the next
level i was impressed with him off his
back man i was impressed at how he recovered when bj
mounted him yes yeah bj
mounted him
got a hold of them and usually you’re dead when bj
mountain yeah
it’s usually over frankie
just shit fucking he’s got so much energy man he
could just keeps pushing keeps pushing he
doesn’t give up man
does not give up
you know some guys rest if bj
mounted you rest and you’re like oh fuck now i
gotta get out of this but let me bide
my time for a big explosion
frankie the moment you got
taken down was
move move move move move move move move i’m out
yeah obviously bj’s
guard wasn’t good enough to
really threaten
frankie edgar really
i mean frankie edgar
has great defenses
jiu jitsu is awesome too
but what i did like
about bj is his
guard recovery
his butterflies
and his foot on the hip control
god damn it was really beautiful to see and
again you know
he didn’t really attack that much off his back
but his recovery
just amazing he really uses his flexibility well
and when he had both his hips on frankie
or both his feet on
frankie’s hips
that’s just serious amazing yoda control you know
yeah i know he’s badass in controlling
guys like that but not enough to finish guys
it’s weird that bj is such a
jiu jitsu master but yet he
doesn’t really finish guys off of his back
you know he’s had problems in a lot of
fights where guys can take him down and hold him down
you know that was obviously the problem that george st
pierre fight
and there’s obviously the problem when
frankie edward
took him down too yeah
that’s a problem that is
prevalent in

there’s out there
have the answer a real
solid answer for the jail summons for isn’t that
weird that BJ
would would not have a guard like that that he
wouldn’t have this ninja assassin
guard like Shini Aoki yeah yeah yeah yeah like
you know why because he didn’t
and I would say this I mean I’ve told this to BJ
too I’m like you know what
if you stay at 55
there’s really no reason to master any kind of
guard just get back up
you’re fucking everybody you’re better than everybody
standing up
nobody at 55 can take you down
even big wrestlers can’t take you down
I even thought he
doesn’t need a
He doesn’t really need a
focus on his guard
I thought he didn’t need to develop an added
really didn’t even
you know he
was interested in the rubber
guard and he fucks with it a little bit
you know what I mean but
he I’m sure he felt like no one’s
gonna put me on my fucking back
but maybe now
now that he knows like shit these
fighters are getting so much better and there’s so many
wrestlers out there
you really have to have
the answer for jail sun in
and for like Frankie
Edgar and crazy
yeah for these
elite wrestlers like what he did to
Florian yeah
he took them down and got on top
when they talk
about your guard
the only answer
for the elite
wrestler and they’re
all over the top 10 of every
UFC white division the only
ants or one of the only
there’s only a couple answers and one of them is
having a when they talk
about your guard they don’t say that it’s just
oh man he’s got an okay
guard it’s a decent guard
they have to say your
guard is a fucking amazing like
don’t go in his guard
your guard has to be like Ryan Hall
your guard has to be like Shin
you you don’t want to fucking be in
your like raid
like Anthony Pettitz and
Shane Roller when Anthony Pettitz slapped on that
trial exactly you have
to have a super
dangerous guard if they are not
if people don’t talk
about your guard like it’s amazing and it’s fucking
crazy wicked and they
it’s one of the best guards
in your division
then you’re not good enough
you don’t have the answer for the
elite wrestler
most of the time
sometimes you throw up
a pop triangle
and it lands like
Anderson Silva made it work in the 5th round
Chris Lieben made that pop triangle work
and the Noguera
style of triangle it worked that works it does work but
um not at the highest rate
you know there’s
there’s a lot of
things that you
could do as well to add to that already game
you know to
those Noguera triangles you could
mix it all up there’s a lot of
things you can do
just look at what
Shiny Aoki has done
look at what Dustin
Hazel has done
look at what Matt Horwich has done
just pay attention
it’s out there you can
watch it on YouTube
you can do it too you need to have the answer for the
elite wrestler
and man having a
crazy wicked guard
can be the answer
what do you think
about James Tony
I ran in James Tony I know
gas station
it’s amazing that you lived in
you know the same
you know I was pulling for him at first William
well I thought that box I thought that these
MMA guys really didn’t know
these when you’re
a boxer and you’re that high rate of a boxer
you know you really don’t know
these guys can hit in
their hands and
their the timing and their
rights and shit
but when I watched the
countdown was when I was like
he didn’t work
he didn’t work he got a
great opportunity to represent boxing
but he didn’t work
you don’t think he worked out
I lost a lot of weight
he lost 15 pounds in 5
months okay
if you’re rolling any student lost 60
in a couple
months if you’re really
fucking rolling and let’s say you take this guy on
you got 4 months
the first month all you’re doing with
him you’re not working his hands they’re already there
so you basically working him getting up
and just rolling
little things just
surviving on
the back right there all
those things all day
you know when
I used to go to judo when I was a kid I was
skinny as shit
because the hardest thing
about judo isn’t
flipping it’s
every time you get up and fucking down
you get up and down 50 times a day that you get skinny
this guy didn’t do
that he got some guy from the FBI to come in and train
you know what the fuck
did you see that shit
you know I’m in Hollywood with Lidell I’m rolling
I’m rolling with Einstein I’m
learning the
basics how to bro
what how much can I
learn in 4 months
to get me out of a mess
right that’s what I’m
learning he didn’t know any better he
didn’t know
he didn’t know he got a guy from the FBI that
God knows what they
fucking paid up
what was it what was
the guy who
trained him to kenpo
videos of him online
doing kempo
with the guys that come behind him and cut his legs and
stuff James tony’s
the guy was
trained James Tony yeah it’s on the
underground I say is
James Tony actually doing it
well I mean he you know he
look the guy set
up a program for him but what does a guy know for real
you know what he really needed to do is go to
Colorado Springs and
train the Olympic
training center
he needed to get a guy who’s a fucking
jiu jitsu master to come with him
okay these guys are
gonna take you down you’re
gonna do your best to stop to take down
then once they get you
taken down then you’re
gonna work your
guard that’s what you need to do I just
get down and
try to make
those FBI man
he’s from the Federal Bureau
of my fucking
man down motherfucker
all the time
on a daily basis when I
watched the
countdown show what was very
clear to me is that the guys he was working out with
were letting him do
things for the camera
and that it was
they weren’t
elite grapplers
they were letting him do
things the guy
was like ah
they were like it was a demonstration like anytime
James rolled over like
I can’t believe he’s doing this
it’s like they were
letting him
do it they were putting on a show and letting
James throw them around
yeah I was like this is
silly I’m like he
might not know anything
about grappling
yeah there was this dude that fought Javi
Vasquez back in my
first King of the Cage show in 2000
he comes out and
claims he’s a Brazilian Jiu jitsu
black belt he’s this
French karate guy
and he thought
back then he just thought it was 2000 like you
could just say shit like that
and so Hobbie said
he said he’s been
training jiu
jitsu 12 years and he’s a
black belt under Hoist Gracie
that’s what he was telling
Terry troublecock
I think we got a live
one here he calls the police Gracie Academy they never
heard of the guy the guy’s bullshit
he’s trying to
scare Hobby into
going to the ground with him and
Hobby was a purple belt but
a did mad destroyer
on the local
Southern California
scene he would go to
Santa Santa Cruz as well and smash
he was the fucking
destroyer of the purple belts division and
there wasn’t very many
browns and blacks at that
point and he was
going to go against
this guy who
claimed to be a
black belt dude
hobby took him down and like the guy had no
training dude 0
he just laid flat on his back
and he tapped really
quickly how he
pound on him a couple times he just
tapped and it was over it’s like what the fuck was that
that’s an interesting
story but a much more interesting
story is the
other guy that we know
that claimed to be a Brazilian jiu jitsu
black belt that really
didn’t know anything that turned out to be a murderer
yes yeah there was a
dude we knew
his fake name was Rafael Tori
but his real name what was his real name
damn I don’t remember but he told people
he he taught karate
did karate his
whole life and he
taught karate
and he told
people he was a
black belt in Brazilian
jiu jitsu this guy
Eddie was hanging
around with this guy you were you were he was doing
half Brazilian
he said website
right he was
a writer no
he was a writer he was probably one of the most popular
journalists back down on the
I mean Rafael
Torre was all over the
it was 2000 it was
still in the
dark ages so it was easy for a guy to bust up
and he was on
speed all the time I didn’t know this
until like years
later so he
would work hard dude he
would always have shit and
pride loved him he always had reports
he always had interviews
oh dude he was probably
one of the top 3 writers
in all of MMA
well I remember he was very
productive and he
would do you
know he was doing his version of gonzo
journalism for
MMA like asking MMA
fighters if they like anal sex
it’s like being real crazy
yeah that was
my shit so it turned out that this dude wasn’t really a
black belt at all and
we you know and it wasn’t half Brazilian
yeah it was like it was all
crazy we were driving and
Eddie had this confrontation with him on the phone
to make a long
story short
homeboy winds up killing some dude strangling him to
death the husband
of this chick that he’s banging
and he winds up
going to jail for it
when he was he was a murderer
he he got this guy for insurance
yeah yeah him
yeah the the wife
of this guy that he strangled
you know so they
they decided to
set this up and
he choked the guy to death
yeah kill the guy with a real
naked choice
how ironic is it that his
black belt wasn’t legit
but he killed someone with a rear
naked choke yeah
you know what I mean
poor guy the
poor guy killed didn’t
train at all and probably didn’t even see it coming
he just jumped him and choked the shit out of him
can you imagine
Matt man your fucking wife is banging some
other dude and that dude comes to your
house and kills you
he didn’t go to his
house he lured
him into his gym
fuck and I testified on that
trial did you really yes
you had to go to
court I had to go to
court and just finger them and they called to
me they called me the cops called me because I called
Gerald once
and when I was talking to Gerald on the
phone the phone was being tapped
and Gerald and I are talking
about you know his
possibility of him
fighting the UFC
whose you want to
fight this now
blah blah blah
and Rafael tori’s name comes up
and I’m like what’s
going on with
that dude and so Gerald was like being tapped
and he was like talking all
these different people
about it and then
everybody that he talked to on the
phone they had to talk to the cops
but I didn’t really know anything
I didn’t know the guy I just knew the guy through Eddie
fortunately I wouldn’t
fucking go to
court about that
yeah so what do you have to say
yeah that guy’s fake
he’s a liar
basically yeah
I forget the questions
they made me ask but dude I hung out with that
like he was always brought in and whatever show I was
commentating whether it was King of the Cage or Pride
or even too hot to handle
he was always the reporter who’s
gonna blow up
he’s not gonna
handle was in Holland
right yeah that’s when I talked
about with the boss root
now Sam and boss dude and
he was so busy
so amped up on
speed he always had articles and
to blow up shows you
bring Raphael Torah
and he’ll blow it all up all over the Internet
always on speed huh
how did you find out he was always on speed
it came out later
you know on the trial do
you know Ari took
what is it called
adderall took an Adderall says it’s the fucking
greatest thing ever for getting
things done
just cleaned out
speed did yeah
yeah but what is it why is it
speed help you get organized
how does that
work how does it give you fucking energy what the fuck
you feel like you
could do anything you just want to
paint the fucking house
you want to go to college
let’s drive to fucking Louisiana
you know what I mean
is it bad for you is it bad for you
come on it’s
gotta be it’s
gotta be right it’s
gotta be what comes up must come down
right dude anything that
speeds you out is
gotta be bad for you that’s like
super but it’s not just
super speeds you out it makes you look really organized
Robert Schimmel told me once
he took one accidentally and he said he just
started organizing all of his notes just kidding
that’s what happens when you do
speed too I would
think that you
could use that though as a tool
if you could
really make sure
you didn’t do too much of it and didn’t fuck up your
whole system
short circuit
everything like
every now and then we need
but the problem is you come down so hard
that you want more to come down hard
I don’t know
about Adderall but anything
speedy that
goes up comes down oh yeah
hard we call
buddy was on it every day
are you what does he say
buddies on he said he loves it helps him
organize helps
him work and he’s pretty fucking ambitious he’s
he’s a hard
worker but he said he was just really listless and
couldn’t get anything
going on and you know and they got him on the Adderall
and then Bam
you know he just couldn’t
focus and constrain on things
he just had a hard time committing to
things and constrain who knows
maybe it works different than
speed because
speed somehow
I don’t know how it works really
well by a Phoenix
speed and that’s the fuel
of the capitalist society
I mean look we’re the
people who drink coffee
every day in
every union contract they have
they negotiate a time
where you could take a drug
there’s a fucking coffee break
you know and
union contracts have coffee break time
what is a coffee
break coffee
breakers in your work it’s fucking 11 a
m it’s not quite
lunch yet coffee
truck pulls up
and you get a chance to take fucking 5 10 minutes off
and fuel up on some
some stimulants
it’s good for the company you come back all
jazz and charge
and you feel better you work harder you feel better
and you feel like you got another little
break you know that’s
union things is one
thing they figured out that was smart
you know look
everybody doesn’t have to be a
slave like people will go
against unions say
unions fuck up business and union
they don’t work hard and they make too much
money and blah blah blah
they make work
easier and that’s good right
it’s not good to have people work like fucking slaves
wouldn’t it be better if
they got a little bit less done but everybody was more
happy wouldn’t that be better
if they get a nice coffee
break and get to
relax for an hour for lunch
where they don’t
feel like they’re getting tortured all day
you know maybe if they got some shit to do during lunch
they can go somewhere and fucking pay a Bill
or you know pick up a fucking
thing that they were supposed to buy you
know how fast do
those hours go by god damn it
our break our
breaking shit talking
about coffee
break is it
smoke break it is it for it’s 4
20 on the knock
out of here
joe’s 4 20 on the dot it is that’s
how he ends it
let’s fuck around
Joe Rogan this podcast
03:58 20 that’s the moon
pointing we
gotta respect because 4
20 got shit to do and people see you know I’m saying
you know what I didn’t even fucking
thank the pot the
flashlight for
sponsoring this are we doing this next Wednesday
though all right
next Wednesday doing this as
often as we can and as
this fucking
this camera sucks man I got a camera that
auto focuses
and so there you go you
gotta move before it goes into
focus again
hey we like to thank
the flashlight
don’t fuck your hand no more fuck the
flashlight you know what I’m saying
why fuck your hands they’re worn out
after 18 years
give them a fucking
break work your
muffler with that you can fuck the
flashlight straight up
it comes in
colors what’s the website Joe Rogan
flashlight com
and listen joey’s
not even speaking to the
voice of experience I’ve personally fucked one I’ve
never fucked the
flashlight flashlight
flashlight Eddie bravo’s fucked one
yeah I’ve had one for but I’ve had like a fake
flashlight I’ve had this
state that on
Teller when
you do it like this then you roll it like this
it’s kind of like a fucking
flashlight so
send me one cocksucker and I use it on camera yes
people on Twitter please stop sending me the
video of the chimp fucking the
monkey like it’s a
flesh or the
monkey fucking
flashlight is probably better than a frog yeah
do we need to get
those chimps frogs do what if the frog feels awesome
would you do it
no no for the show no no I don’t
wanna I don’t
wanna fuck a frog
but it didn’t it’s
gotta kill the frog
maybe it doesn’t how
would a frog
maybe it deep
throats it have you seen the size of
their fucking
throats have you ever seen that there’s a girl
ideepthroat com
I think her name is Heather she’s like
famous online for her ability to swallow cock
it’s always her husband’s cock like it’s always like
he films her
sucking his dick all over the
world right in bathrooms
everywhere and she just goes
straight down to the balls
these guys got
a big dick she goes straight down the balls
and just licking his balls
while his dick just disappears in her mouth
but the problem is you see a girl like that in
video totally sets up your
expectations way too high
how many chicks can do that
is she sponsored by Flashlight
no that’s the bits that
should be sponsored by no
why she’s a
human flashlight
she can’t get to anybody
until she gets to your town
use the flashlight
that’s right what
love you cock suckers
anyway if you go to
flashlight com there’s a link
if you go to Joe Rogan
net supposedly if you go off that link you get 15
off and it really is
better than beating off that’s my
point you know you beat off I do too
you know you know we all do just
stop being shy get one of
those it’s excellent
if 60 is well invested
you’ll enjoy
your nut sessions
then you know
to the creators of
Flashlight you guys need to
think of a thing that
where you can just
you can close it up and then
throw it into like your washer
and it washes through on its own
it’s a cleanup
take notes it’s
the cleanup that sucks
yeah it’s a little
annoying but
it’s like in
a dishwasher you know what I
mean you can’t be lazy bro
can’t have a
self cleaning
flashlight the last
thing I want to do
after a nut from a from a jerk off session is
clean some shit on my Samurai
DVD samurai CD
yeah we didn’t give him a
music video this week either
we’ll give you on Musashi
I love you cock sucking a Motu
musashi a film by Hiroshi
in Inagaki a 10 planet
curse 19 is up right now just went up today 10 planet
watch 19 on YouTube
thank you everybody came to Boston this week we had a
great fucking time at the Wilbur
Theatre that was awesome
thank you everybody that tunes into the podcast
I love you bitches
and we will continue to provide
free entertainment to you as long as
it’s fun and it’s fun as fuck so we’re
gonna keep doing it
thank you very much everybody love you