ladies and gentlemen
the one the only joey coco diaz aka
mad flavor what’s
happening tuesday afternoon off the 101
has joined the podcast that’s
right with brian
red ban the master
blaster reicle
what’s up and
ladies and gentlemen we are still
sponsored by the
flashlight before we even get
started we got to talk
about the rubber
vagina that we use on a weekly i’ve been
using it weekly
especially weekly
how many times a double day
doubled twice a day now
one to the fucking
thing is falling
apart falling
apart you fucking
that tropical hummid
juice that’s
coming out of your helmets fucking killing that
stuff you know i’m saying
yeah plus he’s got barnacles on his dick yeah
it’s gonna happen
sometimes yeah it’s from the
rubber burn
sometimes you
whack off and you
leave it on your leg you wake up next morning there’s a
big red spot like the fucking oil
spill is like a fucking
stain that’s
when you know you
gotta eat more carrots or something you
gotta eat a carrot or a bowl of fucking soup
it was like
ufc one fourteen everybody’s feet were
fucking yellow did you notice that it wasn’t me what
everybody when they pick up
their feet when they were in
like the guard
their feet were fucking yellow
they gotta study
more oranges
after the weighing cock suckers
never mind that powdered
water drink
anyway their
feet are yellow i don’t know what it was
that’s weird
maybe it was a weed you were smoking me
tape you never know i always
look at the
fighters in the eyes i
never look at their feet
yeah i’m not a baby i’m not looking at their feet
i’m just saying they’re
wrestling they’re in that
guard somebody’s
punched them
their feet are
up and i’m like
dude that guy’s got fucking jaundice
yeah you know what i’m saying
you got big
foot fetish don’t you
no i was just
thinking about it
you often talk
about feet a lot i don’t like feet
touching me like that’s why i
would go to jiu
jitsu like if a man’s foot touches me i have a fucking
heart attack i really
would yeah get
their feet in your face and you
that’s just something you have to deal with
and you’re sweaty
and their feet are
sweaty feet
literally on your face
all the time
always have
their feet on my face i was
watching i was
watching my
dudes toenails
i was watching an old
fight last night
and they were
going for a heel hook and i was getting
grossed out
really just
watching just
watching i touch his feet
i can never imagine like
grabbing tate’s
can i’m saying like getting a fucking
tate with the show
nail polish i’d have a fucking
heart attack
so if you were
gonna fight in the octagon you’d want to wear
socks oh like
chuck liddell
at legends you ever see
chuck liddell
at fucking ten plan that
combat boots
socks on really he wears little socks like
chuck’s a fucking dude like that i love all that stuff
i wonder why he wear socks
well maybe he
doesn’t want to get his feet funky
the the mats at
legend sometimes people walk on them
i love more the old
place the new
place is actually
separate what
killed me with
jiu jitsu was that they said over at the place
a lot of people show up there
at from work directly
like they’ve been working
twelve hours having wash that ass
right and they go
jiu jitsu dog if i
catch a whiff of ass
in my face with
somebody else i’m
gonna be pissed off joe
and i can’t handle it you couldn’t handle a
north south position some
people no no i
would fucking die an armpit in my face with
an onion in it
i think i called it that position
smell your butt oh that’s a horrible
fucking position to turn the broadcast
cause that’s what it is
a guy is basically holding
onto your hips and he’s got his ass in your face
and he’s holding you down
and it’s a fight
and he’s allowed to punch why
would you want to do this
seriously man it’s like i get nervous when people
sit next to me at mcdonald’s you know like man there’s
another chair
right there go away
you know and you guys are like putting butts and
that’s the weird thing
about jujitsu too is you go into like a life and
death struggle
with some guy you just met five minutes ago
yeah you’re like what’s up man how you doing
wanna roll okay let’s roll
you slap hands
and next thing you know you’re trying to strangle each
other what a
great sport
that’s what’s weird
but everyone who does it is cool though that’s the
thing is like
it seems like it
would be like kind of a fucked up
thing to do
but the people that do it are so friendly and cool
and everyone’s
been tapped everyone’s been through the ringer
everyone knows what it is
you just go out there and do it
so it’s even
though it seems like you’d be like a douchey
thing it’s actually very easy
it’s very fun
you know it seems like you’d be like
you know you’d be
sweating it
but just do it you know
you do it for so long it’s just a part of your day
but what if you didn’t know joey
diaz and you’re like all
right you and joey
are going to it’s how
gross today and i’m
sorry about the air conditioner it’s broken it’s
120 degrees oh
sometimes we have the windows open
because it’s hot as fuck in there
i’ve dropped 80
pounds and it’s affected my stomach
which means my ball sack
three sizes bigger than the last time you
the other day i stumble so your
stomach somehow was sucking your ball sack what
was taking the pocket was taking the
effect and sucking
taking the effect
of ball sack you know i’m saying
like it’s fucking amusement
if you got a
firecracker hear the explosion here i’m not
gonna look at the fucking firecrack i’m
gonna look at the explosion
so ever since i lost the
other day i
stumbled by a
mirror you know sometimes you walk past the moon
you’re like wow what happened
and i looked at my ball sacking on my dog if i ever had
i could use it as a colostomy bag it
could double like if i ever have a brock
lesnar fuck it
don’t put a bag in me
it’s fucking gigantic my balls
and my dick
still got the size and the endurance but
the ball sack
doesn’t even
like i lost like three
pounds on the ball sack
which makes the ball sack tighter
it’s fucking huge
his balls i put
the dick up and pulled it out joey diaz is
famous for showing his balls
famous for showing his balls at the comedy
store showing them on stage
just walk around
pulling them out on people because they’re
ridiculous they really do like
they look like oranges
like oranges is in an old
ladies pantyhose
that’s what it
looks like not believe how different they
they’re fucking
giant man they’re like this
giant why is it that
comics all show
always love to show
their dicks and balls
there’s no other
profession i
think that you like
i didn’t work at gateway was
like all computer salesman love ball showing hey i was
i was listening to opie and anthony the
other day and louis
ck was on he was telling a
story about jay moore
jay moore was on
an airplane with him once when he was like really young
and jay moore goes if i pull out my dick we spit on it
and he goes it goes from
then i because i fucking hated him because i was so mad
because i actually like him as a person
he goes but it was just you fucking
fake faggot
put your penis away
it’s really funny
but the fucking question’s pretty
funny too if i pull up my dick
would you spit on it
i mean it might have been
even funny if he just went yeah yeah pull your dick out
you know why is it though
out of comics are fucked up man
we want to do the most we want to do the inappropriate
thing all the time
that’s what it is the way a guy becomes a comic is
all your life people have been telling you shut up
that’s mean don’t say that
you know you’re looking at the
wrong way and you know get a job
that’s what
everybody tells comics
so once they become actual comics
they just can’t wait to do what they’re
not supposed to do all the time they just want to pull
their dick out all the time
they want to say
stupid shit they want to sing on the airplane
joey did those
weird man talk
about that because
that was i thought we were really
going to jail
i thought we were really
going to jail
that they were setting us up for a
minute yeah
you know what’s crazy
let’s explain what happened we were on a
plane we’ve done this
twice we’re on a
plane and joey says that he’s with the band 10 foot
screws he would like to get on the pa
we like to get on the pa and sing a song for everybody
this is how
this is how high we are when we fly okay
i mean he gets on the fucking pa
one two one two ladies and gentlemen
he starts breaking into notorious big
but with no swears
and no one knows what to do
and there’s people like staring at
their kids and they’re so confused hey
ladies and gentlemen we have a
short presentation by the band 10 foot
screws yeah
then they just let us do it and everyone on the
plane was sitting there like
well i should even say us
cause if joey
goes to jail i do not want to go down with you
i should now be saying us yeah we
were against it and we
were totally
against it you were not
against it you guys are just sitting there like what is
going on i couldn’t believe
you not only did it there you did it coming back
yeah you did it on two different flights yeah and
these are jets
these aren’t like propeller
planes this is alola
i remember the
mother that was sitting next to us with the kid
and the kid was
laughing and smiling it
was a church camp and her mom was yeah
church and the
girl was like 12 and she’s just looking at the camera
cause i’m filming it she’s looking at the camera like
hehe this is naughty
you know and you’re talking you’re rapping over pa
that poor kid was loving the
chaos wasn’t she
post 9 11 too yeah it’s not
11 this is like what was it 2004 something like that
2005 yeah you can
find it online what was it joe show if you
googled joe show joey diaz
ready to die
yeah that’s what it is that it yeah joey
diaz ready to die
google it’s on youtube
that one’s genius
yeah that’s the best
you can also see it in talking monkeys in
space your dvd that’s out
right now on amazon
oh yeah yeah that that’s in the
video you made right
right yeah it’s called talking
monkeys in columbus it’s one of the dvd
extras joey
talked on the fucking pa
on two planes
not just talk
sang songs and had
clapping along
it was fucking
weird it was
weird that was
weird that they let us
after 9 11 they just
went with it
they just went
with it how did we even know how did she know
i don’t know but it was not american airlines
what was it oh
the ultimate doom
i think they
should have people do shit like that more
often some girl got on the airplane the other day
in canada and air canada and
sang a song
like some funny song
about your luggage it was pretty funny
you know and she was
pretending that she was trying out for a canadian idol
and everybody gives her a big
round of applause i’m like oh come on really is this
chick really gonna sing
and she got on the pa
had this little
funny song prepared it was
great it was fun
it’s the yeah
what you mean does everybody have to be
quiet you know once you shut your ipad off it
should be anything goes
bro nobody breaks a
man out in a flight like me one time we were flying
and i fought it next to joe rogan
one of those fucking brock lesnar
fights farts
those four day fucking protein
shake that the one when you were
watching the antonio banderas
thing that you kept waking up you
couldn’t know if it was a nightmare
i was writing too
while i was writing he was farting and
i put it in the blog
his fart was so bad i had to put it in the blog entry
that was the
happy pills i did not miss that because i mean
you guys but
tate i missed
tate was really big and he
ate protein
all the times and he was always like a man handler
like you’d be like
come here bro
and he would
fart on you
and he would like
literally torture me with
his fart fucking
pretty times
worse than my
best father
was the one at the bookstore in houston when i farted
and it bounced off the library shelves
on the second
floor fucking up
what was the name of that bookstore in houston
i know what you’re talking
about you were
sitting in a
chair like we’re
reading a magazine
i was like what the
fuck joe did
that’s still not as good as tate’s
at the comic
store in san diego
the comic store
in la jolla
he farted in the lobby
everybody it was like somebody lit it on fire
people were
running from it man they were running from it
that was when we were
started right by the door yeah
no it was yeah same weekend
he farted right by the door
and like ran towards the bar
his farts had this
aroma in the middle of the fart like
first you get a hold of the fart
that soak around you for like four or five seconds
then this complete
other thing
would evolve that would just
climb into your nose hands
and you had to step out of that fucking zone
and then when you came back into that zone you
still smelt the fart
in a post boredom pipe way it was there
but not really
his farts were fucking real
he said he ate bars with a chemical malamar
his farts had a better
credit rating than me
oh my god his farts were fucking
thick like he
could smell the root of the fucking asshole
like they’re real oh
god they were living species and he
would laugh his ass off he
would turn bright red with laughter
because part of it was he thought it was
funny and part of it was
shame it was all mixed together with horror
because everybody was dying screaming
i don’t care
what you say this part of you no one’s comfortable with
smelling that bad
you can pretend all you want man
you can cut the kind of farts that this dude would cut
oh my god you really
never experienced anything like it it’s like
unless you’ve been around a dude like that
it’s like pointless to talk to people
about it like yeah yeah fart
stink no no
no no you don’t
understand this is like fucking gas
warfare yeah
dude would hurt
you man i was like assault you
the kid when i was growing up ferny
basociuto his family owned the restaurant
bns fucking what’s his name franny
ferny basociuto
he was puerto rican in
cuba and his
mother made pork chops
every day you
go in there and destroy your fucking stomach
but bernie had the same type of farts as tape
that’s a complete different animal a fart
that fart grabs you
i get to go home and change your shit
oh tate would just light
up would light up an airplane you
could hear people in like
20 rows back on jesus
you remember
that you remember that and you
would look back and take whatever his headphones on
sunglasses on
just a big smile on his face
fucking chewing gum
and ripping the most horrendous farts known to man
i put his farts up against anyone that’s ever lived yep
tough okay the fart
time when antonio banderas oh when i farted your
lady go oh my god yeah
i put that in the blog
oh i put in the blog i was in the middle of writing
and just added
i know where
i see joey do this just lean away from me a little bit
just a little lean
and when joey
oh no soon as i realize what he’s doing just
clearing away
you cartoon
lifting up and
actually make
the motions and
stuff like that
do you i do that all the time
especially when i’m by myself
oh yeah i mean
unless i want you to know i’m farting
you know if i’m trying to
sneak out a fart and not take the
blame for it
which i’ll do occasionally
then i’ll just sit
still have you ever
cuffed your hand
oh in the shower and made donald duck
not donald duck i inhaled that fart
there’s something
right to the fucking
sleep back it’s
very satisfying
about farting in a pool or a bathtub as well oh yeah i
farted the irvine
in problem i
thought you get so high you on the wall and you
think like i was
watching you
and i’m like ain’t nobody walking by me and i cut apart
and also i turned around a waitress is coming
down with a
trigger fucking glasses
and i’m like poor girls and they know it’s you
who the fuck you the only
thing next to a
smell of shit
you say it’s 20 feet of shit
that’s a terrible
film when someone walks over and you bust
it you just didn’t plan it out you thought you were
in the solo yeah
one time i went to bob hope medical center
and they did an
ekg on me and as they were picking me up was a
small office as they were picking me up
a little fart came out of my ass i just went
and the doctor and the
nurse just sit there and looked at each other
and i got up real
quick and blocked them
let me tell you something when
you find a little doctor’s office and it kept expanding
it was one of
those tape farts they just kept getting thicker
when they know
it’s you it’s fucking embarrassing you know what i
think is interesting
the whole the idea
especially amongst
comics that you’re not supposed to talk
about farts
that somehow another farts
it’s like a
cheap laugh on stage
but is it even is it even a
cheap i mean
is it not a part of how you look at the world
i mean farts are in there they’re in the mix
i guess it’s like airplanes
if it’s about farts it’s been said
you know airplanes you know patton
did a joke pat naswal did a joke on his latest cd about
going on jet blue it’s an airplane joke and i fucking
loved it it’s an airplane joke
about all the airplanes like a sky bus now
i don’t care
if it’s a subject that’s been beaten i want to get
your take on the subject i agree
yeah and patton’s joke on airplanes was i mean
and lucy kate did one recently on conan i
think right no not conan on
who’d he do it on
and he did like a
whole was it on leno
mighty did online
you know it’s
funny though is that we were talking
about farts
and airplanes but yet we just got done talking
about farting on airplanes
that’s fascinating
you know that’s like too
what is it what i was
gonna say is what is about like
things like farts
where like you know if you talk
about it it’s like a
cheap laugh
and a lot of times it is a
cheap laugh like bad comics
but when it’s
telling the truth
you know when it’s you
like you talked
about farts on
stage before
and and had me fucking crying
laughing it’s the
truth and if anybody
smelt one of
tate’s farts
you would look at farts
completely different
and it wouldn’t be a hacking situation
well it’s i mean it’s
still one of
those things
where you you know
i think a lot of
comics are always
worried about what
other people
especially other
comics think
about their material
so they’re scared to talk
about anything even if it’s not they’re really thinking
about if it’s like a
tired premise
they don’t want to talk
about it even if it’s you have your own unique
point of view and they just don’t want to
touch on it
but i don’t
think that’s good either man
i think you give your
if you give yourself any restrictions
i mean you could be
dwelling on the dumbest fucking
thing in the
world like the
most obvious premise but if you’re actually
dwelling on it you
should even address the fact that this is obviously a
stupid premise
why am i fucking
obsessed with this
but you know that’s like when you
start cutting out subjects and like fucking you know
like how many
comics play to the back of the room
right how many
comics do comedy
instead of for
their own like this is
their own personal viewpoint to do it
so that other
comics will like them you know
i mean how many guys remember remember the beginning
open mic days there were dudes that
would only make
comics laugh
a lot of guys they got
stuck in this like weird spot
where they all
their audience was
comics they
would be good at making
comics lab but regular audience members would just
you know the
comics wanted to see something fucked up
how high are you joey
yeah he’s talking
joey gs just kicked in and he sat back
whenever joey sits back let me tell you something
whenever joey sits back like this and
crosses his fingers on his chest he’s fucking gone
he’s gone he’s on another planet
right now no i went to acupuncture
then got stoned and we smoked that
stuff you had and that put me
right the fuck over the wall do you worry
do you ever think about what you’re talking about on
stage or do you just write out what you’re thinking
about like do you ever look at and go hmm
maybe this isn’t a subject for me
maybe i shouldn’t touch this
there’s maybe
three subjects i won’t touch on
stage just because of personal references
and i’m a failure for not
touching them
really you feel like a failure
for not touching
them because i’m letting my emotion get involved
what are they
i don’t like abortion talk
that’s a tough that’s a tough subject
like i don’t like
kids with aids and punching kids yeah
i’m not a big fan of that either
even though i’ve talked
i’ve said shocking shit like that before that was mean
and funny but
probably comics it’s a weakness yeah it’s not it should
go up and cover
every spectrum of life
right but maybe you just don’t find humor
i don’t find humor
i don’t want to talk about a rape i don’t have a
i talk about fucking people in the ass and eat ass
i’ve never mentioned the word rape
you know word rape makes my fucking neck a
stick up every time
so that’s you know yeah well then that’s
just you though that’s that’s that’s just you there’s
no reason that’s real
i don’t think so man
i don’t think so i
think i think you know you talk
about what you want to talk
about i don’t
think there’s anything
wrong with that you know the
fuck wants to dwell
on it gnarly
should have
kidnap oh yeah
you told the
truth about
going to prison what
i just cannot talk
being coked up holding the guy down with a machine gun
i can’t listen
to fucking you know
i totally understand what you’re saying
yeah it’s a
tricky situation man and i have nothing
you know what
who does it you know what gets me
about abortion here’s what gets me
about the abortion subject
it’s like there’s two signs okay there’s one sign
where you are you
know you’re pro life
and you don’t
think that people
should be allowed to have abortions and that there’s
other options
and that it’s killing its murder
and then the
other side is
you know you support a
woman’s right to choose and
it’s just a
series of cells
in the body
it doesn’t have a soul
woman she’s
carrying in her body it
should be totally up to her
why does it have to be just
two points of view
i see both i see i
should not be able to tell you what to do i
should not be able to tell anybody what to do
and i could totally see wanting to have an abortion
you know i could totally see not wanting to
raise a child at certain
points in your life i
could totally see you having that option
but let’s be honest
what you’re doing is you’re killing something you know
it’s growing inside you
but it will eventually become a
human being
you know i mean
we can play games and say
at three days in it’s not
at five days it is or whatever the fuck you want to say
but the bottom line is there’s a little
human being growing inside your body
and i think you
should be able to do whatever the fuck you want
i mean it’s your body i really don’t
think anybody
could tell you
you know but
you’re killing something
i mean you’re choosing not to let it grow
you’re terminating it i mean let’s be honest
about what you’re doing
it’s a symbiotic
relationship obviously the baby needs you to stay
alive it’s a part of you
until it becomes its own
individual entity but
the path has been set it’s on the way
you know why is that like how come you can’t say that
i mean everybody you got
it’s either one or the
other either you support a
woman’s right to choose
or you know you
think it’s murder but no one ever says we
are support the right
for you to do it but let’s talk
about what the fuck it is
i mean it is a creepy
thing and if i was a
woman it would
creep me out that i
would have to do something like that you know
especially when you talk to someone who’s had kids
once you’ve had kids you
understand what what
babies really are and the
whole thing
you know you get you get this
experience of having
a your own child
you know and you go oh
wow it’s crazy
abortions really
crazy when you
think about it
i’m glad i don’t have the option
i’m glad you know that i don’t get pregnant
could you imagine
if it was you that got pregnant
if like you know like
a how many abortions
would you have you have
you’d have like ten abortions
how many can you have
before your fucking blumming
breaks there is a
ceiling to this i went i went out with a girl once
that it’s had so many abortions
that she can’t get pregnant
really yeah
yeah it’s like
three or four she was so crazy
you know i went to this
she’s had like five or six oh
she’s so she was so
crazy i went
to this abortion
show or whatever it was at the science
museum but i
guess it wasn’t a show
a convention
no it was just a display that showed from like
every week of a baby’s life
all the way
to that meat
thing that life
yeah the bodies in motion
wherever it was they’re all in
glass jars though
and at first i was like
they’re not real
these are just little
models but then you read down that
these are all real
and you start
gluing the mother
and you look at the very
small one and it looks like a little demon
like i don’t
know if you’ve ever seen it just looks like an
alien or something looks like a lizard yeah
and then it’s so
weird seeing it grow but then you get to the big one
and that is the most depressing
thing you’ll
ever see in your life just as baby sitting there
with a face that’s been frozen in time like and just
you know that
whole exhibit
freaks me out
and if you don’t know the exhibit we’re talking
about it’s a
bodies exhibit and this guy
invented some new process
of preserving
human tissue
and he does
it somehow or another in plastic and they have a
whole video on it
i think it’s called
i don’t know body
worlds but i’m trying to figure out the process plastic
something anyway so
it’s really like a
bunch of bodies
all cut up in
weird positions doing
weird things
and you know it gives you a
sense of the anatomy but it also gives you a sense like
how is this
any different than something a fucking serial killer
would do right
you know could
you imagine yeah
could you imagine if this was all
started by a guy
who’s just some sick fuck
and the way
he pawned it off on people is like you know it’s just
checking out the anatomy
because there’s
some of them that are so questionable dude one of them
they had a chick
cut in half
at the vagina
okay yeah at the vagina
and there’s like segments
of her she’s like cut in half yeah at her fucking pussy
right like really i need i really need to see that
you sure are you sure
about that you sure you
wanna put that fucking
image pretty
fucking demented
it’s weird man they’re like playing
tennis and shit
and you know it’s just
their muscle
tissue with no skin on it fake eyeballs it’s a trip
did we go together
to see that i
think we did
and we saw the imax
movie about
the body yanks okay
i remember being so
stoned while seeing that i almost had a
panic attack i had to oh
we were so hot
we had lollipops didn’t we
i think we had lollipops
this was back in the days the rookie days of
edibles but we didn’t
quite understand what was going on
like oh two lollipops
would be fine we
didn’t know
the people who don’t know when you eat pod man
you get way different
it’s a way different high it’s something
called 11 hydroxy metabolites produced by your
liver we’ve talked
about it before
that’s why people
freak out when eat
brownies and shit like
you you you swore off edibles
on mondays because the armenians give me a free
edible day on monday
so i always eat the
three peanut butter cookies and get fucked up a
last called me once
you call me once i’ll
never forget this
you go like this dog
that’s it that’s it dog
i got what no more fucking edibles
no more fucking
edibles joe rogan
no more edibles like that’s the
whole conversation
i’m done i’m done all that bad
don’t you wish
phones had tivo
so you feel like you
could just like record this
how well the recording
would be awesome but
would be more awesome as the visual
you know to get some facetime
yeah facetime it’s always
doing facetime
sometimes you eat
those edibles and i need them like i
ate in the morning guys
like i get up and
pop a cup of coffee
and eat a fucking chocolate cake
by 9 30 i gotta go to the y
fear factor was all edibles
because that
would last the longest
and this is also when i didn’t
understand i just knew that i’d
build up a tolerance if i had a lollipop every day
i was getting
i mean like so
baked i was like
freaking out about the
colors of the sky
and you know
thinking how strange this life is and we’re all
pretending it’s permanent but it’s really temporary
while it was like forced to do this
you know not
force but you know
while my job was to do this fear factor show
high as fuck
it fucks with you
those edibles
they fuck with you
those edibles you know what i’m saying
yeah no they too they really do
it’s way stronger
people don’t know it’s
four times more psychoactive than thc when you eat it
yeah that 11 hydrox
metapolate it
doesn’t feel like pot
doesn’t feel like you’re high
it feels like some totally different kind of a
psychedelic trip
yeah you know very
you know really makes
you fucking consider your life you know when you’re
alone and you
ate a brownie
you start going deep into your
childhood and shit fuck
yeah don’t you
thinking about like
weird your relationship with your parents and fucking
all sorts of
weird shit that made you become who you are you
start like really fucking going deep
the last time i did
edibles was at a ufc and
it was with you and
it got to the
point where
there was a good
match going on
and everyone was murmuring
you know at
once like an
arena you can
hear everything it
started that murmur
started like i
started to get in me and i
start feeling my
heart oh my
god when clay
guida fought
diego sanchez i
could feel the smacks
yeah like there was one flurry in the
first round
where they were both just
for like a minute
they must have connected on
twenty punches a
piece i felt all
twenty punches
i remember that i woke up like this like
just holding on to myself like i can’t even
block these fucking
punches that
diego’s throwing at me
and also i realize i have
brian redman next to me
and people like jake
shields is over
him like what’s happening but i caught myself
fucking blocking
diego’s body kicks and shit like
twisted and everything
that’s what you know fuck
three d glasses
i was in that fucking ring
when they broke that was
that was a very intense
first minute
very intense if you remember how
that’s what
i think about edibles
it swept you it just swept me and i remember like
turning and fucking fading and
you know making believe he was jabbing off okay
lit here’s the question here’s the question do you
think it’s real
do you think that the
connection that you have when you get super high
especially with
edibles that
weird feeling that you have
when you feel like you can tell if people
you’re lying
you can tell that people are
upset with you and they’re not talking
about it that you
could tell if they have issues i
think that’s real yeah
i think it’s 100
i think it’s 100
it’s real right totally
real there’s a different
level of perception that
comes it’s like you have a new
sense that you usually don’t have
right but when you get sober you all of a
sudden start
thinking it’s ridiculous
when you sober up because you’re not feeling the same
sense in it exactly but it
doesn’t it’s
never more ridiculous
there’s no more ridiculous
story than you
telling someone that you have an enlightened
because you got intoxicated
people will always make fun of that like oh yeah yeah
yeah you’re high on mushrooms and you figured out the
world sure you did
you know because
when you’re sober it seems so
but when you’re
really really really high
you can see some shit and you figure out some shit
every time you get high and
you get in your car even if it’s just go to starbucks
you always figure out one component of your day
yeah like one decision is made
and it’s made you know and you
stick to it just
that we every
reason why people
think he makes you paranoid
it’s making you think
about shit yeah
it’s making you consider shit that you don’t
ordinarily consider
and let me tell you something weed
in the isolation tank
my god joey
diaz that fucking
thing has changed my
whole brain
it’s rewired my
brain like i have like
all the hardware from my old brain it’s
still like laying
around but it’s not even connected anymore
that fucking isolation tank from just smoking weed i’m
trying to figure out how to live my life
as if like i just
entered into this
world like 10 years ago
i entered into a body that’s already
existed and already had a history and already had a
bunch of things that it’s already done and dealt with
and so what have i done i’ve done all this
jesus christ what was i
thinking when i did that
you know what i mean it’s like
you become a totally different
human being
managing like a new life
that’s what like
the tank does to you the tank is the fucking
freakiest thing ever i wish more you guys
would be into it
you know nobody
nobody does it i don’t know why you guys
wouldn’t do it it’s i always talk
about it it is the craziest fucking experience
that i ever do it’s like doing a crime
and going home and locking your door
and then smoking a joint for
eight hours sitting there
thinking the cops are gonna
break in that’s a
horrible feeling you get to see fucking life what it is
when you’re sitting in that corner listening
by the stairs to see if they’re coming
it’s a fucked up
experience you
think well you
clean your brain out of all that shit that
you’ve done
that’s making you
worry about
people come to get you all that shit all the shady shit
you know it makes you
clean your brain out
how come you’ve
never done the tank
how come you
never go in i don’t fit
do they fit you fit there’s a
giant one they have the guy in venice
can make any size one
it’s a huge door joey it’s not like you have to well
there’s two places
there’s two
places one is soothing
solutions in burbank you
could go there
near you really real close yeah
and it’s very nice lady
to do a death
squad trip and tape it over there yeah what happens
let’s do it she’s a nice lady she’s very
nice yeah let’s do it i’ll do it with you guys let’s do
this tape it
what happened
make a video
there we go yeah
i feel when i come
out of there i’m taking you guys all
eddie to and
re to let’s
see how i far
he’s gonna fuck it up don’t
start screaming
he’s faking it yeah
no no no he wouldn’t
if we just all said let’s all
you know have an experience
tell me what you think
yeah yeah we
could advertise
that lady’s business too yeah
yeah yeah and the guy in venice too let’s advertise
him too cause his
place is the shit
is it really
yeah float labs the shit that guy
he’s on another level
see everybody else is making
these tanks like my old tank the one i gave away
which is excellent i mean it’s better
way better than nothing you know
it’s good it works good
but his are like
super thick it’s
steel and insulated
and his maintained temperature much better
and it’s much bigger so you have more oxygen
inside of it and he actually adds an oxygen pumper
an oxygen scrubber so it
scrubs oxygen
pure oxygen out of the air and pumps it into you
he’s just got it down
he’s nuts the guy at the
float lab com
he’s a crazy dude but
the cool kind of crazy
and he’s like a mad scientist
and he’s got this new
thing that i tell you
about the new
thing the video cameras
this motherfucker you know what if you don’t know
about the isolation
tank with the isolation tank is it’s a tank
that was invented by a guy
named john lily john lily was this crazy
pioneer from the sixties he used to
take ketamine
and fucking
lay in the tank for days like he was nuts
he used to take acid
and this is how he figured out how to make the tank
he wanted to figure out a way
where he was
completely separate from his senses
so his brain
doesn’t have to listen to his body at all
and he first he
started out with he would
be in a tank where he
would be upright and the head you
would float by the head so basically
he’d be hanging from your chin
which is probably
not that comfortable but you get used to it and then
the rest of you feels like you’re weightless
but then he
figured out all you have to do is just put a
ton of salt in the water
and that’ll make you buoyant
then you can lie
on your back and then like half your body is exposed
so that’s the new models
they all have like mine has 800
pounds of salt in 11 inches of
water and you lie in it
and the water is 935 degrees
which is the same temperature as your skin
and so as you lie in it you don’t feel the
water anymore
and you just dissolve you have no body sensation at all
and it’s just
pure mind is just the mind with no
connection to any any input
so the mind
doesn’t have any distractions
your mind gets to look at your whole life
completely objectively not thinking
about your back or your fucking feet
smell or you know you’re
touching the
couch or your hearing what
you know the
sounds and seeing
lights it just
pure mind and in that
state that’s like one of the rarest
states on earth
i mean it’s pretty simple to achieve but if you think
about it there’s no
place like that on earth
where you can be separate from your body
like literally you don’t feel your body
it’s just your mind
you know and
you get destroyed we all get distracted like it’s like
having a conversation in
front of a giant
crowd of people like when you’re on
stage that’s distracting you know talking to people
while people are next to you screaming
that’s distracting
but what we don’t realize is life is distracting
and sometimes you’ve got too much
why do people who have fucked up lives
like to have a
bunch of shit
going on you know
how many dudes you know that
complicate their lives on purpose
cause they got some shit
going on so they’ll just throw i’m
starting up a business like the fuck are you talking
about you’re
starting up a business man you’re a fucking
comic you gonna
start up a business it’s
about why is he really
starting up a
business he’s trying to distract himself with more shit
so he doesn’t have to think
about his shit you know it’s like it’s a classic
psychological ploy your
whole life is a distraction you don’t even realize it
everything you do is constant
input coming in you gotta
navigate your way through this world
it takes away resources takes away resources that your
brain has gotta get in there joey diaz
let’s go burp bank next week
after a fucking
break listen
you know if
you don’t do it you’ll
never done it
because i you know i just
i don’t know
that’s a thing it’s one of
those things
have you ever been in the tub
ever before you
think you avoid
that kind of like
heavy lifting when it comes to like the mind
no you know to me i
i have my own kind of relaxing
things that i do and
it seems like
i don’t know i
guess it’s not a necessities
so i don’t really need to
blow money on something that
you know you know i’m dude
i’ll buy you
a gift certificate it was free i’ll do it
every day all right well
let’s get you on it then we’re
gonna do that that’s
gonna be our next
video we’re
gonna do the isolation tank i’m
gonna convert all you guys because i
think it’s ridiculous that i’ve been
using this thing for
seven years and you guys don’t yeah
i’m sure it’s
better than the tanning bed and if you guys
it’s way better
to jerk off and if you guys go to if you google
where to float just that term
there will be a website that will pop up from samadhi
samadhi com
which are very
awesome people that made my
first tank and
their website has a listing of
places where you can rent time in a tank all over the
world all different
countries all the different
places it’s available
and a lot of people have used it and emailed me
about it and said that they
found a tank you know like an hour away from
their house or something like that
it’s a fucking
great tool it’s a
great tool for the mind
you know if you’re the type of person that likes to
meditate and i think
everyone should
you know everyone
i mean you call it
meditate you say
meditate you
sound like you’re
full of shit and
you’re doing yoga with beads on you know what i mean it
sounds you know what i mean it’s like
the word meditate has this connotation
this you know this fake
fake spirituality connected to it you know it’s a term
right but the
but thinking
about your life is very important
especially in boulder they use
meditate like oh
motherfucker i’m sandal words there are so many sandal
wearing motherfuckers
in boulder aren’t they
i tell you what though they’re nice
i don’t mind
but i would talk to people
and you know i’d be like you know they
would say you know oh i’ve got this back injury
you know i can’t go to jiu jitsu
i go oh that’s cool man you know you okay you’re
gonna be alright he goes yeah i’m
going to this healer
he’s doing a
lot of body work on me a lot of positive energy work
oh my god you pay for that or do you suck his dick like
who the fuck are you talking
about he was like totally straight face i’m
going to a healer
you know he’s working on me doing
a lot of body work he’s doing oh he’s doing body work
oh he’s healing you with rocks and sand
there’s a lot
of people that make a living doing that man they’re
like healers they’re like push on parts of your head
and claim that they’re healing you
but the thing is if you believe them
it works it works that’s the
crazy thing
the human body is so fucking
powerful but we don’t know how to use it
it’s like a computer
and we don’t even have a manual we’re just
going into the registry and fucking with things and
we really don’t know how it works
so you can trick somebody with a
placebo and the
placebo is just
sugar it’s just bullshit it
doesn’t do anything
but because they
think it’s medicine
their body fixes itself
but nobody knows how to just fix themselves
it’s crazy it’s like
how come you can’t the
placebo method how come you can’t just
apply that on your own
why can’t you just
trick yourself you can’t
so then you don’t have access to that
pure belief
you don’t have access to the pure belief
literally you have to be kind of crazy
to have access to the pure
belief that you can fix yourself with this magic pill
that’s just sugar
it’s a fucking mess why can’t we use it
we got like
it’s like a hidden
part of the operating system
you know you have to
press like four keys at the same time to get to it
you know it’s fucked up man
you know it’s really cool to do
stone by the way i just thought of this
while you were talking i don’t
wanna lose it but
get really really
baked eats and go into your garage and get a ladder and
if there’s like one of
those lights like you know the garage lights
i go up to it with a friend
you both look at each
other’s face
or you turn off the
lights and you both stare at each
other’s face
and then you wait till your eyes adjust to the dark
then you flip the
light real quick
and you see the
other person’s face like as a
ghost that’s burnt into your retina
then you come down from the
ladder and you
just walk around and you’ll just see like this
floating head in
front of you for how long it probably lasts a good
minute and a half two minutes does it work with
black people
no no it doesn’t
you just see a canoe
i gotta go upstairs to put a
light bulb on it
you fucking crazy
fucking ladder what am i doing i
break my ankle to see casper the friendly fucking ghost
should i put
angel wings on when i
call that shit
to get high
that’s too much
drama to get high just
pass that fucking
number it’s something that you’ve
never experienced try it out are you scared
it’s free that’s free float tape
you know what is cool as fuck when you’re high the la
or the griffith exorbitory
rather you go
to it yes isn’t it awesome oh my
god when you lie back and you
watch that star show
show the constellations
amazing fucking incredible man yeah
it’s you know what when i went to hawaii
and we went
to the big island and we went up to the keck
observatory it’s in
the top of the big island it’s this gigantic fucking
thing they have up there you
know telescope
it’s like one of the
world’s biggest
radio telescopes
the fucking
view up there is insane
you go up there you see
every fucking star
you see the
whole milky way
like you literally see the
stripe the milky way and like
a hundred thousand
times more stars than you normally see because
it’s way the fuck up there it’s like 10 000 feet
above sea level
you’re literally
above the clouds you
drive through the
clouds to get to it
because we were
driving i was like this sucks man it’s fucking
cloudy we’re
gonna get up there we’re not
gonna be able to see shit
and all of a
sudden you pop up
above the clouds
and that’s where the observatory is
goddamn it’s beautiful
the fucking stars are insane it’s the best
thing you could look at it’s the best view
and we deprive ourselves from it
because of lights
yeah even in la man even in la if they shut off all the
lights if they shut off
everything above you
would be fucking
it’s incredible it’s the most amazing
thing like i
stood there in hawaii looking up going
is this here all the time
this is there all the time
and we can’t see it you know what we have all these
stupid gay holidays like valentine’s day
a day why don’t they have a holiday
where everybody has to turn off their
lights and there’s no electricity for the day have it
blacked out give
me some knuckles
how awesome with that that’s the
greatest idea you’ve ever come up with
in your fucking life get mayer will ever go something
like a fucking backbone
right now get him on
the fucking battle
what a great
day but you know what if we had everybody do it
literally there
would be nothing from the
horizon it would be god how amazing
would that be it
would be insane the
earth would
reset it’d be like oh that’s what i wanted
if you go to
vegas and you
drive and you’re
going to the mountains of vegas
they have beautiful views in vegas
because all
the fucking electricity all the goddamn
time you don’t
like those lights you don’t see a goddamn thing
you look up in the vegas
night you don’t see a fucking
thing can you
imagine 20 years from now
vegas had to shut the
lights from
sunday to thursday
off you would
think of that do you remember when the
luxor had that
light that shot up in the sky
fucking up pilots that’s
crazy who was so
strong was fucking with
pilots here
just the other day in la
some guys were
shining a laser
at helicopters and they
shined it on a police helicopter
man they’re getting like
crazy charges
against them they
should they
chase them down
gotta be responsible well
first of all it shouldn’t be so easy to buy a fucking
laser that you can
shoot up to the sky
especially that new one that could
fucking burn you
about the one that i got in georgia
you know that one
yeah i got one that’s illegal
totally illegal
that’s the only reason why i got it guy told me it’s
you kidding
buddies man it’s illegal i’m like mmm
are you salads
you said this
it’s like a
super powerful
laser that you can like
literally go to the moon with again
pointing at the moon and i’ll register on some fucking
some one of
those russian things
one of those
reflectors on the moon like no bullshit this is
ridiculous yeah
there you can buy these
super powerful
laser means
giant takes d
cell batteries and shit
wow yeah you
could just buy it some asshole can just sell it i
know some asshole could sit
on top of a
building and just start
blinding people yeah bam
you’re blind you’re blind
i just to fuck with it
i went outside and was putting little
green lights on all the neighbor’s
houses like how
powerful it was
it’s insane you
could see it all the way i mean it
literally shot a straight line
all the way across the valley to this
house that was
half a mile away
and i could see it
remember those little
laser keychains that came out when
lasers first came out like
dickhead you
go to the movie theater
i fucking shine em on the
screen you wanna kill em you
wanna kill em you remember that
probably store two
wheels in those guys
used to have
those came out in myrtle
beach when i was in myrtle
beach what was the name of that russian dude that
would always sell shit
every friday
monkey bones
monkey bones i
still have a
bunch of his
lighters man
yeah he had
lighters and
those lights boob
lighters i just saw one the
other day around
here yeah they were awesome he used to have
these lighters
you flip the top and
these little titties
would light up it was like a bikini
i’m such a child is he
still around yeah
he’s been hanging out
more at the rock bars you know lately like the roxy and
stuff like that yeah really
has he been
see he’s one of
those dudes that
even though i wasn’t
looking forward to seeing him when i was at the comedy
store now that i think
about him like
what a cool guy
yeah i always
was nice to that guy i always talked to that guy
he gave me his
phone number
the comedy store back in the day had such a unique
community in that parking
lot area you know that parking lot area was like
a lego club that we
would go to
it was like a hangout
you know that was like
literally half the show was the parking lot show
you put on your best shows
first in the parking lot
and then you
started putting on your best shows on
stage on stage
yeah you used to fuck around a lot in the parking lot
you became a much better
comic in the parking lot
because it was like you got
loose in that parking lot
and started fucking around with us
and you don’t have any restrictions
about time or
agents watching you or managers
you could just be yourself and you
would fucking kill everybody in the parking lot
and then you
would take that and just go on
stage go on
stage at the end
but before you were like telling jokes
right you were like when you first
started out you were like telling jokes on stage
right like how
would you like what was like a typical routine
i have no fucking idea
you remember what you talked
about at all
that was a long fucking time
it was like you
would go into a subject but you
wouldn’t you
wouldn’t really go into a
subject yeah you
would get the scratch it
yeah and then you
would go to the next subject
you cheating
you never you
never figured out
how to get that momentum
you know you get the momentum from
going into a
subject and then really exploring that subject
so like you take the audience on a little trip
i know that’s how i feel like when i’m in the audience
and i’m watching a really good
comic and they
start on a subject
i want him to really
explore that subject i’m like
there’s a lot of shit in that subject let’s go in there
the best guy
at that to me when i was coming up was richard jenning
richard jenny
i got to see him a
bunch of times
i got to see him once before i ever even did stand up
i was just you know paying as
an audience
member i got to see him a
catch a rising star in cambridge
and it was nice
because nobody even knew who he was back then you know
it wasn’t wasn’t impact and i sat
right on the front and
and the dude
would take a subject man and just ring that
motherfucker out ring it out
he would do a subject for like ten minutes
and then right when you thought it
was over bam he comes up with something else and more
punch lines and more
and it was like i was in awe
i was like i don’t
think anybody does it like that guy i
think that guy’s one of the most
underappreciated stand ups
richard jenny
you know a lot of people like you know
they didn’t
give him the credit that he deserved because
a lot of his premises were like kind of common premises
you know like you know common like almost like
talk show host
not talk show host
but like you know if you’re doing a spot on letterman
like a lot of his premises just fit
right into the standard
you know letterman spot but he was so good it was
great and his presence was brilliant on
stage he had
something his timing was amazing he had
something that just
you know and that’s a shame
he was in a
plane with me
just a couple weeks before he killed himself
just maybe maybe a couple months
something along
those lines but he was
headed to austin we were headed to austin to do
cap city comedy club
and he was headed there for a
corporate gig and i got a
chance to talk to him
a little bit and
say hi to him
you know i mean it’s like you wish i said more you
know but i’ve
never really had like long conversations with the dude
you know but i always felt like richard
jenny’s always
gonna be around you know i always see him at the improv
or whatever and say hi and he was always friendly
so it’s like you know you
see him there and you’re like what are you doing you
going to a gig oh cool
what are you doing oh
corporate gig
oh cool cool yeah we’re doing that comedy club oh
alright man have
fun cool and that was like the conversation you know
it’s like man i wish i
talked to him
i wish i picked his brain
i seen bobcat yesterday the doctor’s office oh yeah
sure how’s he doing on the way in looks completely
fucking different really
like how just ball
yeah glasses
weird glasses
and i looked at him at
first and he looked at me and he’s like
i’m like bobcatton
yeah daddy he
doesn’t do that though no he
doesn’t do that no more
he was a funny comment but it was good to see him
bobcat does not get
the respect he deserves either because bobcat was in
those police academy movies
so people didn’t respect him like as a
comic but as a
comic bobcat was fucking hilarious
meet bob do you remember that cd yeah
that’s fucking brilliant
i never knew he was a comic dude
as i was pre internet
so i only saw this
annoying he’s
still doing it
right i think you’re
still doing
it i know bananas with him like six years ago
really talking
about he’s like man
that was a long time is he
still good i mean how’s it
i think he just works for kimmel right
i don’t know so when he does
stand up he just does it
every now and then
yeah every now and
then we didn’t
talk about it
that’s a shame he was really good he
would have benefited
from the internet like
crazy having
comedy clips or twitter at that time
totally i mean he was that he was a perfect fit
for the internet if the internet had come
along 10 years earlier
bobcat was a perfect fit can you imagine people’s
careers if twitter and facebook and all this shit
like imagine
richard pryor
dude totally and his
prime if he had a facebook page and a twitter page and
everything all of them kennisons
imagine kennisons twitter oh wow hey
every day some girl
cut me off you fucking are
you know that would be
have his twitter
every day it
would be awesome
yeah a lot of
guys you know i mean you know back then unfortunately
there was one avenue there was you had to get on
television you had to get on hbo
that would be the big one get on one of
those comedy specials
but now there’s so many avenues and
it’s so easy now
you know i always
think about that like
i would have
been fucked if it wasn’t for the internet because i
would have been
always labeled as like a game show host guy like nobody
would have taken my comedy
seriously you know
you’d have to see me live
to know that i was actually comic
first i just
took fear factor for money
back then if you did like something
that you know wasn’t cohesive for a good career
like nobody forgive you you were
labeled that guy and then they
moved on to the next
thing you know
you wouldn’t you can’t
now because of the internet you can
completely express
yourself like people know exactly who you are
like this this podcast
you know i mean you can’t
this is like the 26th one that we’ve done
you know by that
people know who the fuck you are you are who you are
you’re broadcasting it
back then man you
could fake an image
you could like
how many fucking gay guys were straight and they just
got married and
everything and the hollywood
image and the
studio pushed an
image for them and they had
press people
would talk to the
press for you and you had a publicist publishers
are fucking useless now as long as you’re twittering
people know what you really like
right you know look at spencer pratt and all
these fucking people
anybody like that you know they
become popular and then they just get to talk you
could have a million publicists it
doesn’t matter
gonna know eventually
they’re gonna compile
enough data to know exactly what you really like
they’re gonna know your lows and your highs
they’re gonna get to make an honest judgment
like google
knows everything
about us how
about we’re talking about this
apple iphone
thing the iphone
there’s some new
thing where
apple’s collecting
and sharing iphone users precise locations
and this is
what is an updated version of the privacy policy
the company has
added a paragraph noting that once
users agree
apple and unspecified partners
and licensees
may collect and
store user location data
so i and i see what
you’re saying you’re saying that it’s totally anonymous
and i appreciate that
but you’re selling it
you’re selling data
you’re collecting data on me and you’re selling it yeah
please don’t
yeah please
don’t there gets a
point where
everything everyone needs to make money
google i get that google
they’re making the
money that they’re making when you’re doing
stuff like this like
these ads spammers
you’re making
money off spammers you’re
making money off people are
gonna find out
where you aren’t spam the fuck yeah yeah
i mean probably that’s what it is
i mean that’s
what they’re doing they’re trying to find out
where you’re at oh you’re buying
things what do you buy
what are you doing
eventually your phone is
gonna be like it is in
japan too man
well it would be money
they’re trying to customize
just like everything customize
your shopping
shopping experiences and everything
we’re talking about
satellite radio
i am a huge fan of pandora
because it kind of
makes you a
radio station
based around what you like
right and and it keeps on
getting streams off your
phone no problem
right right yeah
especially the iphone you bluetooth it
right to my car and
and it’s just
it’s great it’s like a non stop
radio station
satellite radio all based
right around what you like
and don’t like
right but what i was saying about the
phone eventually
becoming money
in japan you can buy
things with your
phone yeah you
literally i
don’t know if you scan it or you send something
i don’t know exactly how it works but it’s commonplace
right and that’s gonna
happen over here eventually oh
totally and people are
gonna start happening once they’re
sharing data and they know where your
precise locations are
and you’re buying
things you’re
gonna get spam on your
phone once you have something happen
once you have a
phone on doesn’t
whoever the fuck know
where you at
but my point is that if why
would they be paying for it if they’re not
gonna use it if they’re
gonna use it you’re
gonna get some bullshit
no they shouldn’t have to
they shouldn’t be able to sell your fucking info
unless it’s benefiting
i mean why would your precise
location benefit like the company’s development i
guess that’s something you just have
to be like well hey they don’t use it just like why
would they really
though but that
seems like a douchey
thing seems like
they’re maximizing
their profit
and one of the ways
they’re doing
is by selling
your private information
well how about
your private
information you just become a number you can become a
digit right
but they know exactly
where you are what kind of private
information is it your bank account i don’t know
or is it no i
think it’s precise location
well what i
think it is is
where you go
every day what your
what your interests are
like if you call 800
fucking sex lines
so now when a sex corporation calls at
amp t and says
we want to buy
you know names from you of people who use sex
lines yeah they just
well you know what at
least at amp
t’s working
how many times have you gotten a call for a funeral
parlor ain’t nobody
dying with me
somebody called you and says you want a dick sucking
at least that
now and a down
maybe that’s what
the fuck you
follow me you call
a gambling nobody follows let’s say you go to
vegas all the fucking time from la
what do you go to
vegas for either to get your dick sucked
or to fucking gamble if you’re
a regular consumer
so maybe that’s the day that they’re collecting
and when they
sell it out there you know how many times you get calls
joe from people trying to sell you something
how many emails do you get you get a lot of
those calls that people want
you to change banks and interest rates and shit like
that shit like that so how do you think they
you know it’s
stupid so i don’t
think somebody sells your
phone number i don’t
think they sell your pen or your
mother’s maiden name guys
i just think they sell
your interest
what you be with
it’s very annoying when someone calls my
house and they have my name
and they ask
may i speak to joe are you talking
about home phone
yeah yeah you know what
home phones are dead man
i’ve never since i got rid of my home
phone like five years ago i’ve
never had a single stray call ever
man i’m a little bit old
school i like to have a home
phone number man just
in case yeah
i don’t wanna just always be
relying on my cell phone
right i’m a little old
school you ever go buy a car
and a week after
you buy a car you get an application for a credit card
what if that happens
it just happens
i don’t get fact
that bought the
paper yeah of course they
sold your shit they saw yours you know what’s the worst
is where they take a car and put it in a mall
and they’re like sign up to win this car
that is just the
worst thing you
could possibly ever
do i signed
in two weeks free of the fucking gym
yeah anything like that anything
you see anything online
that you give you information about
you’re fucked but
i always knew they were doing
see once 9 11 came dog
this became more available
that was what law was passed
we lost a lot
of fucking freedoms that we don’t even know we had
that’s why there’s people are
freaking out but they don’t know
that i don’t know but that’s to do with 9 11 but you’re
absolutely right
about executive
orders that bush passed and
cheney passed you
lost a lot of freedoms bro
so this is part of the freedoms
that we were losing that people complained about
and you don’t know
this couldn’t happen 20 years ago
that’s why you used to get caught from peely pastapine
trying to sell your fucking matches
and you’re like what are you talking
about i don’t want no matches
because your name just got sold well
let me ask you this
what do you
think that why do you
think they concentrate on taking
right away do you
think they concentrate on taking
rights away because they’re
worried the shit is eventually
gonna hit the fan and then they’re
gonna have to really figure out how to control people
so they’re gonna have to have more
regulations more ways to lock you up
why else would they be struggling
to try to get more control over people why would they
be struggling to take away your
rights and liberties
unless there’s profit
or unless they can control you in some sort of
a time of great stress and disaster i
think it’s just protection
if you don’t murder one
yeah if you don’t murder
one you’re fine i think
that’s not true
because the government can absolutely
target people
who are enemies of the government people have
taken people out of the green
party and put them on terrorist
watch lists
and no fly list just because they protest
against the war
that’s fact that’s already happened that’s already done
so there’s no way they’re
doing it just to protect you they’re doing it to profit
they don’t need to protect
you like that if they need to protect you like that it
would be much more obvious
it’s just at a certain point in time it’s like how much
information is going to be available
i mean right now i can google
brian rijkl and find out all kinds of shit
about you i can
google your name i can google my name when is it
gonna be just instantly available to everybody
not even a google
you know i mean what the fuck is the next
thing no it is available you think so
if somebody is a
16 year old computer hack
that knows what the fuck he’s doing it’s available to
him to guys like me i’m a
moron i know nothing about the computer
but there’s a kid right now i can press three buttons
and he’ll call you here with your
motherfucking pen number
and your phone don’t tell me you know nothing
about the computer i saw you twitter from your cell
phone you’re a monster
me you were twitter from your cell phone
because brian set it up for me
because i’m retarded that’s my witness
right there
i’m thinking you know it’s gonna be crazy
about facetime it’s gonna be crazy
six months from now facetime hackers are gonna
bust into your phone and turn on your cameras and
watch you whatever is
going on in your room and listen to whatever you’re
gonna listen to
you think that’s real
i totally believe totally
will that be once it hits a network or will it be
while it’s on 3g
while it’s on and
i don’t think it matters i don’t think it matters i
think the government could be like you know what
this is what we’re
going to do now we’re going to bust go through at amp t
its network we’re going to
fucking use
their facetime with team
imagine the
first fucking
court case where somebody gets busted doing something
like that how about
dudes how dudes add keystroke
things to their wives
yeah you know to find out where their wife’s
going meeting up with her ex boyfriend
like that you always hear
things like that the guy put a keystroke on a
you know guys were
stalkers they want to find
out what you’re doing yeah if you have a girlfriend
that you want to
stalk you know
here’s something
completely easy
to do that i thought of the
iron and why you giving out
stalking it from well
now i’m just you
know how to
talk dude i totally don’t have you ever
stock never
stock never
never never
never when you were
young kid never
drove by a girl’s
house oh yeah
not like did anything
crazy windows
in the car and cried
oh okay okay that’s cool but anyways it’s normal
so if your girlfriend has an iphone
right you set up that
where are you now location
thing on her
mobile me oh my goodness and then if you just log in
and you know her password you
could always
check on where exactly your
girlfriend or wife is
that’s just
wrong dude don’t do that and then you
could send her messages like
hey i see you with him
see if orange
juice jones had that option that song
would have never
come out i saw you and him i flat out busted you
now for a word from our
sponsor hit it joe rogan
you were holding
hands and i
never be the same
boom boom boom boom boom boom
boom boom i saw
you i missed you so much today
i miss you so much i followed you
remember he said something like that
please pull that up
brian pull that
up and turn
that up you have that is the
greatest rap
of all time
i followed you yeah you
stone cold busted
close your mouth he says a
bunch of shit what
are you even saying orange
juice orange
juice jones
i saw you just press
walking in the
rain you only have one song it
don’t you jones
is like one appearance with him on soul
train we’re singing something nobody remember that’s it
but i saw you and him walking through the rain is the
shit shit is the
greatest rap song at the end
and him walking in the
rain shut your
mouth you’re cold flat busted
i loved you so much i followed you wasn’t it
silly rabbit trixification yeah that’s how it came from
silly rabbit
okay we have it yeah
i’m waiting for there’s a commercial before the video
this what is that stop this why are they 30
seconds now i tolerate your 15
second commercial
if you give me a fucking 30
second commercial before i
watch a youtube clip with a dog that’s barking
okay some fucking 10
second video
i swear to god i will stop buying your product
15 second commercials is good stop being greedy
30 second microsoft windows
go jelly this is old old school nice
probably for was it 84 oh yes
and him walking
oh shit you need a video tokens the video is
ridiculous this is what you people get in the afternoon
can you show the video
look at that dancing look at that dude moves
pip style i wonder what he’s doing
today i know we got a look at my just
like jones and dorchester he’s like probably doing some
some nightclub and appearance
you got it perfect
be the same
oh yeah people
podcast motherfuckers oh shit
what the july baby
wait until he gets mad at her
when he packs up all the shit and
then he has a conversation with her in the end when he
breaks it down
breaks it down
lets a bitch know
throw some strong pimp game
no no you don’t need to come on man people can live
look at him
that’s a real
black man right there you know the very few
white dudes will
floss with their clothes like a black guy does
you know very few white guys dress like that wear
fucking furs and suits and shit like that
someone’s gotta come along and do that
why doesn’t some white guy start wearing like
crazy suits and furs and shit like that
big fucking diamonds but sing like totally
white oriented music
john mayer imagine if john mayer
started dressing at first
spurs and diamonds and shit big fat pinky rings
and a fucking cane with
a dragon’s head on it a silver cane
i mean why not dude that guy is fucked every famous
woman on the planet he might as he might as well just
go all out just go straight pimp style
have a fucking diamond encrusted staff here it is
to a rambo pull out the jammy and flat
blast both of you
thirty seven hundred dollar links code
thirty seven hundred dollars in nineteen eighty four
oh my god my credit card my charge kills
yeah check it out
i think i’m dead
now i can’t give you none but advice
look she’s on the street now
look at that cars driving by
silly rabbit tricks are for kids
let me let go flick without the milk
squirrel trying to get a nut it’s my word
i forgot all
about that that that was beautiful beautiful
is amazing damn beautiful half that song was like r
kelly oh beautiful wow that’s the original r
kelly is the original r kelly
except r kelly’s much more
ridiculous this guy didn’t have the internet see they
would show him pissing off
r kelly was
so much more ridiculous
r kelly’s the best that’s
you guys sent me was fucking amazing yeah
when he’s yelling out of saying shit come you know
what is it about black
black culture
where the black guy never loses
in black culture
and like not all obviously but in
shit like this like these kind of songs and like the r
kelly type songs or like superfly
movies or something like that
there’s something about
never losing
you can’t get me
i already planned this out it’s like something
about being clever like
have you ever listened to the superfly you ever
watched superfly the best one of the
greatest blaxploitation
movies ever lasting but the end is so
fucking dumb
i took a hit
on you so if anything happens to me you’re dead
like damn he got him
he got the man
he planned it advance
there’s something
face in the garbage can
oh it’s so ridiculous man
those old blaxploitation
movies were awesome
but there’s something
about that you know to suppress
culture that just wants to win no matter what
you know i don’t think white people will ever
understand that you’ll never understand
never understand what that’s like
to be an orange juice jones i mean
that’s why white people can’t wear those lynx coats
you know who is that kid
in miami there’s
that one kid who’s like a beat maker he’s made a
bunch of beats for
for like really
famous hip hop artist
and he made millions of dollars but then he
wound up blowing it all on cocaine
there was a big article
about him and
i think it was esquire
esquire or gq big article
about him recently
no idea some
famous beat guy i’m sure if you go look on
where is orange
juice jones now did he die
dorchester bro
can you imagine like if he just like works at a grocery
store now and he but he
still goes i’m orange juice
jones and i recommend
this orange juice
like he uses it this
what’s google google orange juice jones
where is he
today yeah i bet he’s got a website and a community hey
check my twitter
i told you woman
scott storch
thank you very much
a y k o seven
oh another guy got it get total
down i mobile need you i take your iphone i
found out where you is yeah
miss you so much i followed you oh
silly rabbit
see in those days
i really wasn’t following it wasn’t even
stalking yeah you were allowed to well you
had to because you couldn’t just text somebody and say
where are you bitch
those days man guys must
just what had
extra families
all over the
place all right i found him
where is he alex
after jones failed to have significant follow up
success he left the
music industry to tend to his terminally ill
mother and raise a family
he helps his
son or in two
not or one or
into better
known as mookie
with his rap career
in addition to producing its
score music for commercials and independent
movies jones also
to a number of hip hop blogs including houston’s
just flipping com
or global grind
that’s it wow
well now we know
about orange
juice jones
fucking out there in the community
that’s right keeping shit popping he
should have done
stand up comedy if he
wrote those
lyrics you know
cause that sounds like pretty
pretty funny you
would have to be
funny on purpose
no that wasn’t
funny on purpose
but it seemed kind of
humorous no i don’t think so
humorous in like yeah got you yeah but
what you’re laughing at is not he doesn’t
understand what you’re laughing at
you’re laughing at her because ridiculous if you laugh
even look at you go what the
fuck you laughing at what i’m talking about woman
fine clothes
gucci’s diamonds
37 alex coat links
oh that’s just brilliant that’s poetry
it is but you have to really mean it
in order for it to be poetry
if you’re just pretending
like you know there was that black
parody that came out recently with michael john white
i didn’t hear anything
about it but i didn’t i didn’t have a desire to see it
because they were trying to pretend they were
making a fake movie like they were doing it on purpose
like they were acting a resource on purpose
yeah it’s only
funny if you’re acting ridiculous
and you think it’s cool
it’s not funny if you’re trying to be funny
acting ridiculous
you know what i’m saying
it’s funny i mean it’s okay but it’s never as
funny as someone who really
you know i saw you sit down baby
you know it’s not
unless it’s way more
funny when he’s like r kelly
like that’s the
genius of the r kelly video is that that guy really
thinks that way i guarantee why i always use joe’s
went to the studio and
started saying that like people in the studio were like
man i know what i’m doing all right
let me just lay this shit down on this bitch all right
and they were like bro it ain’t gonna work
watch my shit
he just said it and he goes that’s it staying they
argue for a little while i wonder when people
break up with orange
juice johnson like what are you
gonna do walk in the rain you’re fucking retarded
it’s over you know like you
write a song about me asshole yeah
move on with your life
cute me out of your shitty fucking cds
walking in the
rain have you ever had a girl tell you to not talk
about her in your act
no did you see that the
thing is stanhope
wrote about
bobby barnett
you know he’s got that joke
about this chick
bobby barnett
that fuck them that’s like way too hot to fuck him
but she fucked him
and you know he’s like you can’t take that back
a thousand repo
men can’t take that back
bobby bennett
you fucked me
and he put it in his
taking to take the edge off it was like his closing bit
well apparently this
chick contacted him it’s
on if you go to doug stanhope com it’s on his website
one of his blogs this
chick contacted him
you know it’s like you sick fuck i’m a born
again christian now and all this
and so he wrote this fucking
basically a new bit explaining
you fucked me and you can’t take that back
like he redid
the bit like even funnier
in a blog talking
about times and
things that have happened and
i always wondered what you were
up to these days
the where are you now
screen that plays in my mind
very funny man very
funny shit you
never had a
check tell you not to talk
about her in your act
i had one check it man
because she
99 9 positive
cheated on me
she went away
and she went on vacation
and she got fucking rug burn on her back and
she went to florida to
visit her cousin her cousin’s a whore
okay she went to
visit her cousin in florida
she had fucking rug burn in her back
and i had my hand
in her back and i felt something and i pulled up her
skirt turned around and
looked at her and
i go what the fuck is on your back
and she goes
i was drinking oh i was
drinking and i was leaning
against this
thing and there was like a nail on it
i go there was a nail i
nailed it that
i go you didn’t feel the nail you just kept rubbing
your back back and forth on the nail
i go that’s not carpet brand
what are you saying
what are you saying i’m saying somebody fucked you no
no i go okay
you’re saying that no one no one fucked you
cause no it’s not carpet burn
i told you i was drinking
i don’t know what i was doing
and i was like leaning
against this thing
i was like this
crazy lion bitch
was like the dumbest lie ever like this dumb whore
didn’t even
know that she had this fucking scab on her back
so hard probably in the dirt somewhere
right crazy
bitch she’s
probably on instruction site on a fucking asphalt
parking lot
probably broken
glass construction site
you know like
21 21 or 22
i think maybe i
might have been a little
older but it was
ridiculous but
i’d already
cheated on her so i didn’t care
she was like it was a bad relationship i didn’t
enjoy it wasn’t a fun one but
she keep this
she keeps the comedy show that night
with me you know
after she got back all
right get your
clothes on this
night we went we left
i don’t even remember if i fucked her
probably not
cause i was probably
grossed out
but i took her to
my comedy show she wanted to come with me and she was
planning on it
so i got on
stage and immediately
going to the
whole fucking
story about my
girlfriend going to
you know spring break and
coming back with rug burn and
i had you know like what you know i had like a what’s
worse and then i
put that one out like how
would you react to that one
and then i tell the
whole story
she was fucking furious
she was so mad
she’s like if you don’t fucking believe me
i go i believe you but it’s
funny it’s just a joke
i’m just making i’m
just pretending that you really did fuck somebody on
stage the best
thing about facebook
the best thing
about facebook is finding your old babysitter
and i remember this babysitter was just fucking hot
and she’s still pretty hot you
know now she’s divorced did
she touch you
have a kid she
never touched me but what she let me do
is she let me put
my head in her crotch like sleep
in her crotch you know what i mean
and then like i
would move my head around and she
would like kind of like
you know squeeze my head
yeah and it
was i just remember was so fucking how old were you
i’d probably say 11 10 try
to sniff a pussy
huh sniff a
pussy he was giving her a fucking forehead
job and then
and then sniff a
monkey in shorts
i remember she
would just have the
blanket over her
and be watching tv and i’d be like
underneath the
blanket just
whenever i wanted to oh my
god and then
there was this one time
i remember it was like the best feeling in the world
i remember i climbed up
put my hands on both sides of her
tits and just laid on top of her
did she let you do that yeah it was
great so anyways i
found her on facebook that chick is
crazy she’s a fucking
child molester
i’m 10 years old and
she’s making me eat her box
fucking high it
doesn’t matter it’s like your bit
i fucking loved it it was the
greatest thing in the
whole entire
world who do you
think it is do you
think that she’s just a
total attention whore and she just couldn’t i
think she was
i think she was probably 16
or 18 and she was just like okay this is great
wow anyways i
found her on facebook and she’s
still kind of
hot and she’s divorced i said hey hope she gets a
drink sometime
wouldn’t that be cool
where she was now
huh where she live
uh well i should
say delaware
you’ve been to delaware i’ve been to maryland
so she you are you planning on trying to bang this
chair no but i think that would be kind of hot
banger to bang you the
you know we started something 30 years ago
that would be
the longest relationship i’ve ever had so she
would only be like five years
older than you so she’d be like 40 you think
yeah so something like that so 40
so it’s probably
still lubing up itself yeah
still still works do it once get out in and out
see what’s all
about if you got her pregnant
you got her
pregnant and then we both molested our girl a child no
see you just did what we’re talking about earlier don’t
i’m just kidding that was completely
yeah i know how rude
self in fact wait
what if she like fell in love with you
what if she’s always been in
love with me
i did that when you were eleven
but now i do know i know we were meant to be i know
how gross is the when when
someone says we were meant to be together and you just
wanna get the fuck away from them
like we we were meant to be together can’t see that
and you’re like oh my god do you know how much you
annoy me you know how much i can’t wait to get the fuck
away from you you tell me we’re meant to be together
yeah some people just want someone
they get so poisoned by music and
songs and stories
that they want it to work out the way it does in the
movies they want it to be like that
they want it to be some special person in their life
so even if it’s not a special
connection that
you have with some person they like pretend it is
because that’s
what they’ve always wanted they want to be in a fucking
sandra bullock
movie right mm hmm
it’s tough action man
i can’t stop thinking about my babysitter’s tits
that’s hilarious did
you ever play
doctor or do any of that creepy shit when you were a
child i had a 21 year old
chick that used to grab my dick when i was 13
i didn’t actually fuck her but she
would make out with me i
would tongue kiss her
and she would grab my dick
i was i was
gonna fuck her but i told i couldn’t
get it up i was like totally paranoid and panicked and
i was like i couldn’t i didn’t know exactly what was
going on like i had
never even orgasm before i
never masturbated before nothing
right so i went from nothing
to this woman she was 21 she had
tits and an ass and
she was getting
a boyfriend who was a construction worker
who was this fucking big manly dude with hairy
chest and he
would be doing his fucking construction work bare
chested like in the neighborhood
and i was like this was her boyfriend
and this bitch was a
right apparently anybody
could fuck her all you had to do was ask
oh that’s nice and she
would just let the
whole neighborhood just fucked her
you know she was just
completely insane
and she had me come over when i was
like 13 and i was like there’s no way this is really
gonna happen
she’s fucking 21 i’m 13 how is she even living at home
all these thoughts are
going through my
head right next
thing you know she’s
grabbing my dick and she’s sucking my tongue wow
what the fuck
this crazy bitch wants to fuck me and i’m 13
wow that’s awesome there’s a lot of those
chicks out there man i used to take me and my friend
would take all the neighborhood girls
and there was like four of them
and we’d line them up and make them all take off
their pants
and then we’d
stick pencils in them and smell them
and my friend was like he was
he was more
you put pencils in
their pussies yeah but do
things like that like was like playing doctor
or something like that you
fucking how many
girls you must to get i’m
did you grow fucking up that
fucking sexiest
it was the sexiest neighborhood in the
whole entire
world pencil
fuck my cousin was he wasn’t oh
your parents
to type with somebody
right right right
and i found her on facebook too
and then when she didn’t
reply back to me i started thinking
about all those times i used to give her a stabbing
when i was like 11 and she was like nine i
would feel her
stomach the next morning to see if she was pregnant
i was fucking you
know when you were 11
i would go down to
miami for the summers and you were banging her
well bang you put your
dick in your ass and get pumped like a cat you know
what i’m saying so you didn’t actually get it in there
who knew at that you
started sex at 11
but real sex
then i had another girl
that had hair on a pussy
she lived in the bronx
and i would go up there to
spend it with her and her family
on the weekends and i give her a little fucking malou
the girl that i told you that had the
bunch of abortions
there was also i was very
young by the time i got
older she had all the abortions
but when i was
young i dated her and this girl
all you have to do is
touch her tits just
touch them and she
would start
freaking out and go like this
i don’t know what it was
and i thought that like that would happen with
other girls too and he touched her tits and i like yeah
okay touching my tits come on let’s keep going
you know but it wasn’t the same
effect i’m like are your tits broken like
i’m grabbing your tit why aren’t you freaking out right
it’s funny she would
go into like spasms like oh
just touching her tits
yeah catholic
school that’s what that shit was i
would get new babysitters
and i thought they were all the same so like i
would get a new one and she’ll walk in and i’ll
smack her in the ass
she’s like what is that
that happened to me with the girl who molested me when
when she was 21 and i was 13
i started playing with real girls
after that like my age
right and when they’re my
age you know i’m like trying to grab
their ass or something
be like what the fuck are you doing
yeah like i thought we were
gonna do it
boys and girls do
right in this week what
you know they didn’t
want nothing to do with it like what you can’t just
jump right in a finger in me you
crazy asshole
that’s the problem with any
early sexual experience
if you’re having a sexual experience with someone who’s
older than you
you’re just jumping
right into the pool
so all your contemporaries
you know like everyone’s gonna go through this like
trial and error process
it’s normally
you know fifteen
year olds and sixteen year olds and whatever they just
start playing with each
other and then they
start fuck but they’re doing it all together
right just hop
right into someone sucking your dick some
crazy bitch that fucks everybody on the
block you like what
this is what we do we just
start fucking
right and we
go from nothing to hanging out with this whore
it was funny the
first girl i ever tongue kissed
i found on facebook recently and
she is the biggest
white piece of trash ever
and she’s got like
a hundred kids and she lives in florida and we found a
video of her and she’s like
i don’t know who’s talking
about snoop dogg
but i don’t
like it was
and she was fat
and it was like this
dream girl that i
think about all the time in my head like
frozen in my
head and now i see her and i’m like oh my god
god that is so awful
it’s funny when you look
back on the different types of people that you kind of
experiment with when you first
start dating
you know when you’re
young and you
don’t even know what the fuck you like and all of a
sudden you catch yourself out with some
chick who’s just
completely nuts yeah
think about how many fucking nutty bitches you
dated in your life joey diaz
one that showed up at rascals down the shore
oh in between
shows and she
weighed 400
pounds it looks like she had air tanks
she called rascals the
night before
yeah joey you don’t remember me from the sixth
grade yeah marjorie
i’ll fuck you come on down
that bitch showed up that
bitch was 480
took me to scales at a nickel and you
should have seen me backpedaling
on the phone i
was like i’m
gonna suck you fucking oh
no you were saying that yeah i’ll
come down i can’t wait to fuck you and all this shit
we should have fucked ten years ago but she threw the
when she shot and here’s the funny
thing that the
black dog guy
came to get me he’s like dog
there’s a fine
bitch waiting for you at the door
but to a black dude
480 blonde with a fucking cadillac
he went banana
that’s hilarious bananas
and i went out and i was like rascals down the
shore off route 34
yeah down the
block from that crazy
strip club but they have no air conditioning yeah
you know what’s the name of that place i forget this
all that shit’s gone rascals down the
shore was the shit rascals down the shore was the
shit those were
totally different
animals than the rascals in west orange yes
totally different
human beings
rascals west orange like a lot
of cool people normal people that worked in the city
and commuted and
lived in jersey and
you know it was a nice neighborhood
rascals down the
shore were fucking savages
they were barbarians
they’re a totally different
crowd right the
shore are savages
they are is he sure it’s
funny we knew
about that a long time ago but now the whole
world knows about that
those you ever do
those bob gonzo gigs
double jersey
shore yeah he just
he just contacted me on facebook hello
yeah he’s booking a few rumors i was thinking
about going to jersey and doing it huh
he does asbury
park or something like six rooms those were
great rooms
yeah in the summer
i did a bunch of his gigs
fuck yeah i did oh i did a tv show for him i did one
where he had there’s a guy named
uncle something or another
uncle floyd you know uncle floyd is uncle
floyd’s comedy
something uncle
floyd was that
this guy had like puppets and shit and he
apparently had
a tv show that was like really popular in jersey
i did that show yeah and
uncle floyd
would do stand up and i didn’t know who the fuck he was
and this uncle
floyd goes up
and fucking
levels the place
and i can’t believe this i can’t believe what i’m
watching it but to them it’s like nostalgia
you know like they’re loving it they’re going
crazy and i’m
like wow i had no idea this guy was popular
so i had to follow uncle
floyd and i was eating dick
eating dick on
stage fallen uncle
floyd nobody wanted to hear me
you know like they had just
heard this guy was like really famous
you know and i had no idea
where’d you
shoot this at
it was a shot this wasn’t
a tv show this was just
doing stand up
right in jersey yeah
it wasn’t you
right over no no but it was right on
sixty eighteen was
right over the bridge
i don’t even remember that
was a place
that was on the
beach it was
a place that was actually on the
beach it was like an outdoor
little venue
and it probably sat like
maybe a few hundred people
maybe 2 300
i don’t remember
my memory is real shaky from this time
but i remember this guy went up and
i’d never heard of him but they went not to anyone on
stage and i was like wow
and then they told me this is a
local new jersey
television show it’s
really popular i’m like whoa
but it was like really
clean too so
after that that’s the
worst thing you want someone killing when they’re
clean and then you go on
after them dirty
especially if
nobody knows you you just feel like such a sack of shit
there’s a really
great topic
that i started on your forms that just has been
becoming popular
again in the last two days
and i don’t know if you’ve ever read it it’s called the
story of haley riley
and i just retweeted it on my twitter
at redband but it’s
about this girl
that i used to be really good friends with that i
met on the internet
and every time
i would talk to her on the
phone she would send me
pictures she
was fucking gorgeous and one time in arizona
we were talking and she wanted to meet me but
she acted really
weird and wouldn’t come see me and
stuff like that and
she said she has a
secret or something like that
whatever it was kind of fucking
weird so i stopped kind of talking to her
after that because it was kind of
creepy anyways i
lately got an
email from a guy and he goes you know
he’s asking me if i
knew her and what i thought
about her and
stuff like that and there’s this long
email and there’s this whole
backstory of this
thing on your forums
so check it out
but turns out this girl was just a huge
crazy fat girl
and she just made up
a fake personnel
a fake name she
stole somebody’s identity
took all their
photos from
a myspace or a facebook
and she’s been doing this for
about 10 years
this guy flew down got a hotel
fucking spent all this money
then met the girl and she was
completely different from what she is
and now there’s photos of what the
real person looks like so this guy took this
photo and took the whole
story and made
an article about it no
me and him just
emailed back and forth he started sharing
photos we started talking i have the whole
thing how did he know that you knew
about her because
i think back in the day
somewhere like in live journal or something like that
i had my old website
on there connected to her somehow and he was just
asking if i ever knew her if i
still talked to her and
he was just trying to know that he
wasn’t some fat guy pretending to be some guy because
she totally
but she sent me
he started sending me
photos and we
figured it out and
everything out and i
tried to confront
haley and she
wouldn’t respond
anyways that was two years ago and now
there’s a new victim
read on the message
board is called what
it’s called the
story of haley
riley and it’s on the
front page of the message l e y
h a i l e y
last name is r e i l e y
and it’s on my you go to forum
joe rogan net
it’s in the shit talking 101 yeah
i posted on my twitter to red band
wow that’s interesting
could you imagine being that person that’s
gonna be a weird fantasy
world some new guy though is
emailing me
like it just happened
again then playing the sims
how’s that different than playing
world of warcraft and
what’s the point she’s playing
world of warcraft
yeah what’s the point
she’s pretending look you’re not a fucking wizard okay
and she’s not a hot chick
but she’s pretending
and she’s having a good goddamn time
she’s running around
just scamming dudes and getting them to fly in and
visit her and
she’s probably
crazy it’s so
weird though because your form members
your form members have been saying oh i got same
thing happened to me
and there’s like
three different side stories now
completely of the same topic
that’s kind of cool
yeah i think it’s kind of interesting
crazy i mean
she’s not hurting anybody she’s not asking for
money except
for the guy that’s
flying out and
spending money on broken
promises you
know what if you
play that fucking game you
should get busted anyway
did i ever tell you this is really fun
this is a crazy
story that’s supposed to fly her
out yeah he’s supposed to fly her around
he played thinking he’s a fucking
stiff i totally
made a bad move
rook takes bond i totally forgot
about a story that i’ve
never told you
and it’s the only time i’ve ever fucked a fat chick
same thing happened
to me the only time only time
like a real fucked one fat
chick like a real one
you know not like a little chunky i’m talking
i don’t like fat chicks it was
it make me fucking nervous it was
i don’t even like when they’re around giggling shit
i’m even scared to hug them
when aol first came
out they used to have profiles kind of like facebook
back in the days and you
would chat to people and
stuff like that this girl had a fake
all these fake
photos actually it wasn’t
fake it was when she lost a lot of weight or something
like that and then she gained the back maybe 100
pounds or something
and she wanted to get laid she
lived near me we used to private chat all the time
so i was like one day i got really
horny and i was like fuck you know
what let’s meet and i’ll pick you up come back my place
drink and fuck and she’s like oh yeah let’s do it
so anyways i come to
her sorority
house i come there and i’m like
i see this big
group of girls
and i see this hot girl and i’m like oh there she is
and then that
whole girl got
blocked like an
eclipse of this fat girl that came into my vision
and stepped in
front of the girl and it was her
and she was like a
blonde chick
probably about
180 maybe or
two hundred
maybe i mean she was
big and like
five four five
it was big but her face was cute type thing
and i was so like i remember driving back to my
place i’m like
this is bullshit what do i do i just stop
the car to that what why do you even litter in the car
so anyways i got
drunk and i fucked her
and then i took her
right home and i
deleted her i’ve
never talked again
and but you know what it was
some of the best
it was some of the best
pussy ever though it was
so fucking juicy
chicken weight
watches now that’s
five nine she’s
about one ninety
yeah bitches banging and i feel like
going up to it
i feel like
going up to and
going what the
fuck you want to lose weight for look at that ass
you know look at that fucking
monster of a
monster that you have
she’s in there counting
points it’s a
waste of fucking time this
chick’s pretty hot
some dudes love a
thick girl some
some dudes just love it they do not like fit girls
go to that fucking russian weed
store on sunset across from rock and roll routes
and you look
at that behemoth of a chicken you come out and tell
me that you
wouldn’t fuck this chick to
death how big is
she’s hotter than hot
and this bitch
everybody who goes in there walks out of that mummified
because you can’t
believe you want to fuck little milkshake and how fat
fifty pounds overweight
yep big fat kid
russian her name is natasha
something blew dirty
about russian bro
but this chick just
throws heat from the fucking what is it
about russian
brows it’s like a hardness yeah
that’s like
extra dirty but you don’t want to go to sleep
with a fucking scar
where your kidney you
know there’s something hot
you need to
be taught a lesson you know
i’ve waited online i’ve seen how the guys look at
the guys with
chicks guys are the handsome guys
check her out like
you know man i
would fuck just tell she’s
dirty but you
could tell she’s hot she’s
young twenty two
twenty two and big
catch her now
yeah actually
now before it all goes
south but she looks like one of
those girls is just big bone
but she’ll take you for the ride of her
fucking life
that ass is good when you eat that ass from behind
and now for a word
from his sponsor 60
pounds overweight and you’re eating her ass 50 say bro
sometimes that ass is good they’re eating cake and shit
they’re eating
cake and carvel
and dairy queen that ass is good
it’s yummy for your
tummy i’ve never been a
you know what i’d
never fucked a
chick fat when i was
drunk or nothing
like that but i
think i had like a
girlfriend once i was low on the
heavy side i give her a stabby
what are you doing that’s going off
headphones the
the fattest
girl i ever fucked was probably about 170
about once we do you guys weigh them before
you guys taking the routes
well i was probably about 170 at the time
so you know i looked at it on my specialized
about what i weigh yeah she’s like
shorter than me but thick
it’s unfortunate you know it’s a very sad
thing when you see a girl who like could be so hot
and she’s just got some weird food thing going on yeah
maybe some dna to be thick
this girl would go back and forth to
a thick chicken a fat chick there’s a big difference
but this girl would like to
she would chewy have these weird eating
things going this weird eating like beyonce she’s
thick yes hella
white burger yes of the fucking world up
to get her a little she
could yeah she goes yeah but
right now she’s perfect
you know it is she’s
got that one foot up in the air and she’s balancing
but as long as she’s balancing god damn
yeah that’s the perfect
shape like beyonce body
that’s what dudes like who know who likes
i don’t get that whole
skinny obsession
the girls in hollywood with this fucking
the stick figure body
what is that is that girls doing it for girls
what is that really fashion industry
is that what it is it’s totally the fashion industry is
the magazine industry
that they look better in
those kind of clothes
yeah but they don’t realize they don’t
they don’t look better to us
right it’s getting hot in this
air conditioning units
crashed real
skinny skinny skinny girl a good stab
was that pussy good or were you hitting uteruses
cartilage a little pussy
sucking all
tendons they always got that big bone in front of
noodle like that mountain noodle they’re so skinny
sometimes you’re
eating a noodle and you bang like a fucking
it’s like somebody hit you in the fucking teeth like
there’s that fucking
bone is right there
i want a woman with some fucking meat down there
dog tell me the
truth seriously you should
start a website
showing your balls
dropping as you’re losing weight
showing what your
balls look like people don’t want to see that they do
i was just discussing this with you because i
know you have
a certain interest in my balls
i’m on the new homeless investment
on my balls i’m on the new homeless diet
i’m trying to lose 35
pounds and i’m not shaving till i do
cause i fucking hate facial
hair so much so it’s making me want to fucking do it
quick and i’ve
never met anybody like you who goes so far down
you lose all the way and then you gain it
right back yeah
as soon as you
start dating a chick
well it’s cause i
would go out to eat so fucking much i
haven’t dated someone that likes to cook
you know it seems like i
dated is that what it is yeah totally
it just so it’s a food
thing it’s i eat out
every night you
could just get
crazy and just gorge no i just you know it’s just
it’s just normal i just
i don’t know
but yeah yeah i mean but i’ve lost 14 pounds in
what you like being skinny
huh you get
to be skinny you like
that right yeah my metabolism’s jacked man
why don’t you just
start working out hard
just one hour make one hour like weightlifting yeah
when you weightlift
man you burn off so many calories just
you don’t have to like lift
heavy just get like 25
pound dumbbells and i
wanna get a kettlebell
cleans and kettlebells are
great yeah i
wanna get a kettlebell
25 pound kettlebells all you need dude i do this one
crazy cardio workout
it’s a dvd that i do with just one 35
pound kettlebell it seems like
how’s that even
gonna get you
tired right
dude it gets your
heart is flying
your heart’s like
186 190 beats a minute and
and it takes forever to recover it’s fucking hard
man it’s a brutal brutal workout one little cowbell
just moving your
whole body making your
whole body warm
you do something
like that dude you can eat whatever the fuck you want
you know what’s
crazy is that
resveratrol or whatever i’ve been taking for the last
three weeks that shit has
destroyed my
appetite like
i i get full
so fast now
or i don’t even feel hungry
will you sure that’s reserved
wrong it seems like a
bunch of different changes in your personal
absolutely but
absolutely but that was one of the
things my dad
told me that it did for him so i’m like oh
really yeah but now it’s
like i really have a hard time trying to eat right now
ridiculous like i
would be halfway through a
salad and i’ll be like oh
we’re going we’re
going with joey
like a puss it makes you
brave you know i’m saying
italian deli
place the sausage and pepper subs
oh shit make it brave
dog it makes dieting easy
you’re hanging on to bill burr’s comb like it’s your ew
why are you
touching that there’s
white things in
it bill burr
is so old school
he carries a
comb in his pocket show it to the camera joey
bill burt show that comb to the camera yeah ma’am
oh yeah oh you got it
bill burt so old
school he carries a comb in his pocket
and money was here he left it
so we’re just
gonna leave it here out of respect
yeah till bill
burr returns we’re just gonna
leave it on his spot that’s his seat
i won’t let anybody hey joey
smell it and tell me what it
smells like fuck that shit
smells like redhead
sounds like red little nubbies and shit
did you guys hear
about that foxcom shit that company that’s
we talked about it several times in
the past this is the company that they make iphones and
their employees are killing themselves and shit
right well they put up
suicide nets now
so uh thank god that uh if
can you imagine just being somebody that’s like hey i’m
gonna get a job at fox com
you know and then you’re like
like touring
the job during your job interview and they’re
like what’s that and like oh that’s the suicide net
why would you be like
oh fuck i don’t
think i want to work here
to the shit you can just commit suicide but
you got a free pass yeah free shot
imagine you jump you like fuck it
yeah shit i
should have done this
ah net yeah
i think it might be fun
what if everyone just
starts trying to dive into it
yeah diving for fun
if you’re working in a
place that sucks that bad that so many
people are killing themselves they have to have nets up
chances are jumping in
those nets would be fun as shit yeah
anyways they’re
about to open another company
another location really yeah for 300 000
well you know we talked
about this before
you can’t get a fucking iphone for 200
bucks if you’re paying the people to work for you
yeah you just can’t
you gotta get
slave labor you
gotta get people to work for
fucking bowls of rice or 16
you know 16 hour days
and isn’t the iphone in most
electronics made by precious
metals or like the
you know like the minerals you know like
where people were shot
daily for these you know well all the shit that’s
going on in afghanistan
right a lot of what they’re
gonna get out
of the ground there shit to make an iphone
right exactly
it is it was
fucking incredible fine a trillion dollars
worth of minerals like we just
found it we didn’t even know it was there
meanwhile they said the soviet
union discovered this shit 30 years ago
i just couldn’t figure out how to get it out and
couldn’t figure out how to fucking control the region
you know what
what the fuck are we do joe diaz
give us your wisdom
what the fuck are we doing having wars in
2010 why do people
still tolerate it
because the heroin’s kicking over in afghanistan
it’s gotta have something to do with the heroin got
to do what you got to fucking do it hasn’t stopped
this war hasn’t stopped
ain’t gonna stop people
think that it’s ridiculous
think that heroin
has something to do with this war
but all you need to know
these are real facts is that over ninety percent of the
world’s heroin
is grown in afghanistan
over 90 percent
where’s the
other template that
where the fuck is that money
going is it
going to warlords because if it is
where’s their private jets okay
where’s the warlord how
come the warlord isn’t living like the fucking salt in
the brunei know why
where they how come they don’t have that money
maybe they do they
don’t they don’t it’s not like mexico
it’s not like
where is that
heroin money
going that shit’s coming straight to america son
that shits being flown in
barry seals in the fucking new
world order
they’re all flying that shit in and propeller
barry seal look
barry seal up educate
these mothers
barry seal was a guy who got killed he was
bringing in drugs from
south america
guy got murdered
while he was
going to testify and he had bush’s
phone number in his pocket
barry seal was the
definitive case he was connected to
every single
like big time drug dealer
pablo escobar all
those guys everybody in
south america this guy was connected to
and he got busted in
mina arkansas they
dropped a package off
what they used to do is they
would fly in
he would fly in from
south america on his little propeller
plane flying to arkansas
dropped the package off
by parachute
get out of the
plane and then the guys
would go at
the drop spot and pick up the parachute they
show up in a fucking pickup
truck or whatever they used
well some kids were fucking around in the woods and
these kids spotted the parachute drop
and when they went to go pick up the package they saw
these kids there
so they killed the kids
and they took the kids
bodies and they laid them on the tracks and
yeah and the autopsy came back
said that the
kids were high and they fell asleep on the tracks
so the parents said that’s ridiculous
my children didn’t do drugs i don’t believe you
so the parents
paid for their own autopsies and
their own autopsies
concluded that the kids were murdered that they were
stabbed they
found stab wounds on the body
so the parents
started trying to figure out what the fuck went
wrong and they
started figuring out who landed
planes and what happened
and then they busted scott
barry seals and
barry seals was a fucking employee of the cia
who had been flying drugs into this country for it
decades and he said that that’s just
what they do that’s what they’ve always done there’s
money out there to be made
and they know it and they make it and you’re talking
about the same people that are willing to
start wars they’re
willing to do that whole
gulf of tonkin
thing we went to the vietnam war
under false pretenses and
false flag attacks just in
order to make sure that we’re involved in disputes with
other countries
and one of the
things they do were involved with disputes of
other countries is they jack
their natural resources
and one of their natural resources are drugs
and what you don’t
think that afghanistan is a fucking gigantic
money hole for
those evil scumbags
that are willing to do shit like that
there’s so much
money there how do you
what the fuck do you do when there’s 90
of the world anything in one spot that’s worth
billions of dollars
billions billions
but it’s a ridiculous
thing if you say it you’re a nut
if you start saying
part of the reason
why we’re in afghanistan is because someone’s making
money off drugs
that’s definitely got to be something to do with it
people think you’re crazy
it’s not the
whole reason we’re there
but if you don’t
think it plays a part
you don’t think it has a saying wait
who’s making
money during the war you
gotta finance that fucking war
yeah where you
think finance is this shit you know
well you know the
whole thing that happened
during the reagan administration with the contras
you know and
when the that michael rupert guy busted the cia
selling drugs in the
los angeles ghettos
you know all that stuff is
that’s just
standard operational procedure
it just takes a
while for it
to pop out and get into the news sometimes you know
what the fuck did you see ari shafir on tmz today yeah
that’s great i was there that was a fun time but
him and who is roddy roddy piper
roddy roddy
piper beat him up on
stage yeah and people were
thinking that he really was a racist
which is a big problem with that
character he does people don’t know that it’s an act
you know that he’s just
trying to get people’s reactions and just be a nut and
have people
react to this
fake racist
character so they get
angry at him but he’s not really
racist right
well he kind of is like everyone else you
just get fucking saying
are he’s not a
racist at all i think
are he’s a very open minded objective person
so it’s kind of
funny that ari
would be playing this character the amazing
racist because
it was a joke it was a
joke for national lampoon and
should have
moved on but
do you think you
should have
moved on i think you
should drop it
i’ve told him many times i know
what have you told him
brian what do you say i just
think the character’s done that was
you know the
whole idea the
character’s done and you don’t want to really be
known for it that well
if the characters i
would have kept doing
videos as the character with no ideas
really i think you keep going
i think at a certain
point times like how many
stereotypes you gonna
it’s a joke that
you know you already did
the joke right
you there’s
no reason to keep on doing the same joke over and over
again i think you
do a jewish one and be done do you
think it’s just because he had too much
success with
it and he just got caught up in it probably
keep going absolutely
yeah that’s one of the most successful
things that he’s done you know that national lampoon
pretty famous but
you don’t see me make a
still making
carlos monsea videos
you know okay
you know like that’s that was probably my
most successful
video i’ve done but i don’t
even fart cub
yeah kitty fart
cubs absolutely the best
video i’ve ever done
that’s actually what all the girls like too
can you fart
up stuff it’s hilarious when the cat
reacts to your fart
you see the one
where i did lindsay lohan
yes i saw that too
that was pretty ridiculous
so now what happened with lindsay
lohan because i
drink that kombucha
shit and everybody saying that lindsay lohan
and she said that her bracelet went off because she was
drinking that kombucha and that kombucha has
a level of alcohol there’s something
going on with that because
it was pulled off the shelves off of
whole foods
and there’s some
about the alcohol content
that it’s less than one half of a person
right you don’t have to market
but if it’s more than one half a percent you have to
market and they’re saying it’s more
right so she was wearing one of the
scam bracelets
and it went
off and supposedly that’s what made it go off
now i don’t know if that’s true or not
but you know they
say that you’re not even supposed to have any kombucha
if you’re an alcoholic you’re not
supposed to
drink that shit it even
tastes like alcohol
you know it does you know i was rolling
i did jujitsu
after i drank one and this dude
said did you have a beer before you went to jujutsu
i said no drinking kombucha it’s all healthy and shit
right but i mean
maybe it has
this little tiny bit of alcohol in it but i’ve
never gotten
drunk off it or even felt a buzz but i’ll tell you one
thing man it’s
pump my fucking immune
system up through the roof
yeah i don’t get sick anymore
how many do you have a day one at
least two wow yeah i
drink like two a day i drink a
month all the time
i love them
i think they’re
delicious do you like the regular the best
i like the regular it’s my favorite yeah i’m not a big
fan of that
other one no they’re
great one too
strong ginger aid
the ginger aid i like is kinda
strong it’s
got a kick to it but the regular one’s fantastic
but i’m telling you man all this
travel i do
i was getting sick all the time
every couple
months i was battling
and i’m still working out
i’m still training
i’m working out as hard as i’ve ever worked out
and i’m not getting sick
it’s crazy and i
think it has to do with the probiotics
staying really regular
with your vitamins that’s very
important but it’s also maintaining a healthy bacteria
level in your body
acidophilus and
probiotic drinks
on the road i take the acid office with me
and i just you
know take that
and when i’m at home i
drink those fucking
drinks and i’m not getting sick
it’s crazy yeah
you’re exposed to so many different
varieties of germs and bullshit when you’re on the road
plus i’m way more careful now but like
washing my hands before i eat
smoking weed
with fucking strangers that are creepy looking
what about the germs that got into fucking
feed oil this week and let’s talk
about oh yeah let’s talk
about fade or
started jay this
is this is the bottom line
fade or had
never fought a guy who’s got a
guard like for doom
who’s he training with he’s not
training with anybody like verdoom
verdoom is top of the food
chain abu dhabi
champion and he’s a big man he’s like six foot
three six four
he’s a big fucking dude and he’s good his
guard is nasty
he’s got one of the best cards in the world
you try getting
sloppy with grounded
pound you leave arms in there he’s
gotta snatch
those arms up quick
and he’s got a tight game
and the beginning of the
round phaedra
wasn’t slippery yet you
know no one’s sweaty
they’re just
barely broken a
sweat so he’s got like a nice grip on him man
and we’re doomed man you let him catch you
in a technique battle
you battle his
guard from you know
when you’re on top and you
leave an arm in there
he’s gonna fuck you up man
because as you go to defend
he set him up man and
it was really beautiful to
watch when he did
he attacked the arm
and as phaidor
is defending the arm he’s
gotta pull the arm back
so as he’s defending the arm pulls the arm back
that’s when he slaps a triangle on
it’s like he just
put him in a
classic brazilian jujutsu
chain of submissions
he went 1 you defend this he goes to that
and as you defend the triangle you expose the arm
as you protect
the arm the triangle gets locked deeper bang bang bang
it was beautiful man it was beautiful
look phaidor is a bad
motherfucker he’s really like a guy who
could fight at 205
easy and he’s
fighting at
heavy weight
knocking guys out
you know he’s only six feet tall he’s
not a big guy some people say he’s actually only 5 11
he’s not a big guy but he’s incredibly talented
and incredibly inspirational you know
he’s a dude that makes people
excited you know they love the way
he carries himself even the way he handled the loss man
do you hear what he said
afterwards i said how do you feel
right and he says i feel nothing he goes
cause you can’t
stand it yeah
yeah you have to
people who don’t fall don’t know what it’s like to
stand when was his last
fight like main
fight before
that wasn’t like 70 years ago or something no
no what are people
saying about
that no he beat brett
rogers less than
shit it was only a few months ago
yeah less than
probably did
get him good
yeah he blasted him
knocked him out but
right after he beat him alstar over
him beat the fuck out of brett
rogers alstar over
him own brett
rogers he the
way he did it man was so precise on the feet
just high level fucking muay thai
does slip in the
punch and the shin
slams into the meat of the leg
you could see like
right away brett
rogers like oh fuck
like he could see
right away he was in
way way way way way over his head
and then alistar got brett
rogers on the ground and fucking pummeled him
it was a ridiculously one sided
fight what kind of
party is dana
white having this weekend
it’s having a big
party dana white is
having a fucking
laugh your ass off i just
saved 30 million
because now phaedor
unfortunately really does become irrelevant
because part of what made him
exciting was the fact that he was this undefeated
guy who seem
to be superhuman and
destroys tim
sylvia destroys andrei olofsky
like there’s an aura about him
some of the aura was
eroded slightly by the brett
rogers fight because brett
rogers got him down
was ground and
pounded and was connecting with big shots
and you looked at it
and you’re like what if brock got him in that spot if
brock got him
brett rogers bro
rock gets you in that spot a
you’re not getting up b
you’re gonna eat some
giant cinder
block fucking canned ham
fists this week is
gonna be crazy
so i i so anyway
that that eroded people’s
confidence in fade or a little bit
but what eroded my
confidence in it is when i saw the way alistar
handled brett
rogers i knew
alistar was
gonna fuck brett
rogers up but
i didn’t know he’s
gonna do it
like that the way he did it was perfect i mean he just
he shows how high level his
striking is
me beat botta
hari knocked
botta hari out
who is one of the very best kickboxers in the world
he’s beating a lot of dudes he fucked up
peter hurts
you know he
knocks dudes out man he’s a bad
motherfucker in kickboxing with the best in the world
you know he’s hanging with those guys
so when he got in there
against like an
mma fighter who’s just a brawler
he just opened up a can on them and you know
phaedor is not a technical striker
he’s very explosive and very fast and
you know he’s good and
tough and his technique is good
but he’s not like a guy who
could just step into k1 the way alstar does
and alstar has a
nasty ground game as well so the
transition between the two of them
is very smooth and when he took brett
rogers down he just controlled him on
the ground and beat the fuck out of him he really like
made a mockery over phaidor’s win
i mean it wasn’t
you know just i mean obviously it wasn’t the same
night it’s not the same
circumstances but the way he beat him i was like man
you know alistar to me is more
exciting really
right now than phaidor alistar
is that’s one of the scariest guys in the division
k1 level high level
striking and
nasty brazilian
jiu jitsu won
the european abu dhabi trials
submitted vitor
belfort you know it’s got a fucking sick guillotine man
what do you
think phaidor
would have to do to earn back
your like wow that guy’s on top of his game like who
would he have to
fight would he have to go to the
ufc now or yeah he’d have to go to
ufc and or fight
alstar and then go to the
ufc but and
fight for doom
again too i mean i’m
excited to see him
fight anybody it’s not that i’m not a phaidor fan
i love him but i
think you gotta
fight the best guys in the world
you gotta be in the heat with the best guys in the
world and there’s really no
shortcuts for that
there’s no shortcuts
for training with a guy like for reese
over doom there’s no
shortcuts to
learning how to get out of a
guard like that you gotta
experience it
and it’s pretty obvious
watching that
fight that you know he probably
hadn’t experienced that kind of shit before
you know i mean
he’s made some
critical errors
there’s a beautiful
video where
hener gracie and his brother break down
what phaidor did
wrong and what verdoom did
right oh wow explaining the triangle
beautiful you know and it’s like you know people
are looking at and they’re like this is like simple
jiu jitsu like he made mistakes
right and part of
these make mistakes because he’s got a very unorthodox
style he throws
big haymakers inside the
guard he’s been really
successful with that
but with a guy like for doom
you can’t do that he’s just
he’s there to catch
those little tiny tiny openings you know
he put a beating on man
you know what it was really
exciting about that night man
kang lee is
bringing taekwondo
back back kang
lee 38 years old
kung lee has that fucking step in turning side kick
he stands in a
southpaw stance with his
right leg forward
and he throws a left like steps forward
throwing a left
and dudes back out of the way just of the
punch but a turning side kick comes behind it so it’s a
360 degree turning side kick
he stands with his
right leg forward
throws the left hand and as he
throws the left
hand he steps forward with the left foot
and then spins
so there’s so much momentum he’s
running at you with that kick and blasts you
he’s doing shit with kicks man that
other people
aren’t doing and that’s one of them the way he
throws that 360 turning
sidekick i don’t see anybody else doing that a few guys
do a turning sidekick
but i don’t
see anybody else doing that 360 like he does it and
and his kicks are fucking deadly man
love throws a lot of high kicks to
you know what do you
think for this weekend so far
there’s a lot of fights i’m excited
about on this card how about chris lionel vs matt the
mortal brown shit
that fireman
that motherfucker that fight has fight of the
night written all over it both guys are savages
brown is a fucking
savage and chris
lidell don’t back down to shit
chris lidell i’ve never even seen that guy get rocked
i’ve seen him get busted open and bloody and
smashed in the face and hit with haymakers
but he always just bounces
right back that dude’s chin is made of cement
he’s a fucking monster and him and matt brown matt
brown is a warrior dude that guy’s a good fucking
fight that guy’s
strong his mind is strong too he
pre presses he stays on dudes and breaks dudes
so him and lidl is just a guaranteed fucking
guaranteed tons of fun
by the way mad props to the
ufc’s new website that’s fucking amazing
you like that oh it’s fucking awesome do you don’t
think it’s too much flash
uh well i mean it’s one of
those fun websites you know like i mean
i kinda miss the old one
yeah i like i like the
i mean there’s not
a choice to do just the
basic like a blog or something like that
it’s pretty
dope though when you do see like the different
fighters and you like
their focus on each frame
and matchup
it’s their like big
close up pictures and shit and that is flash huh
yeah it’s unfortunate
that it’s flash but
it’s pretty
sweet i like it
they could have done the same
thing with html5
i’m sure there
probably is a way to do that and that way you
could get it on your ipad
and on your iphone
because right now you can’t
fuck that’s more
just like fun
stuff that’s not like informative right now
so you want
like dvd extras
when you want to be able to get that on your
phone yeah i
guess it’s just not
it’s cool to look at
pictures and
stuff i guess
isn’t it crazy that porn is what’s pushing the
transition to html5 do you
hear about that
when porn backs something it’s usually pretty
legit you know
isn’t that nuts
how the fuck is anybody
still making
money off porn
uh no you know
uh we’ve talked
about this yeah
tyler knight you know
tyler knight mm hmm
that dude he’s um he’s making a
transition to
becoming an author he’s a really good writer he wrote
some really fucked up shit if you
i don’t know what his blog is but it just look up
tyler knight
blog you’ll find it online
and tyler’s are a really good writer but he’s got some
ridiculous stories
about porno sets and
scenes and he’s got a
story about failing
at a bukkake
you know you know a bukkake
event where like
literally hundreds of dudes are fucking this
chick and you know he’s in line with all
these dudes and he’s trying to keep his dick
card and he gets up and he totally fails
and stepping
stepping at
other dudes loads there’s loads everywhere
it’s so dark but it’s so well written too it’s just
really awesome
stuff i would have it all true i would have those
pool shoes those
slippers at your
shoes how about cleats
cleats would be better some softball
cleats just dig your way through the fucking
sticky lows
that’s hilarious
what the fuck but this guy
was in the porn business forever man and has some great
great stories
about the porn business
and now he’s just writing you know and
shit just stories
about the porn business
could keep me fascinated for years that’s a
crazy business dude
and he’s a regular really cool nice guy
do you ever see the cosby’s episode
or the cosby’s porno
with thomas
ward yeah thomas
ward i hung
out with that dude two weeks ago todd
where was he at at the comedy
store with one of his pornstar friends
really and she was like
i need your contacts
and she’s all on my face i’m like oh you smell like
crack and doritos
crack and doritos
and vd yeah
she was thomas
ward is a really
funny guy man
thomas ward was another guy that
i always was like how come
thomas ward didn’t hit
how come how come he didn’t make it
he’s loving it now man seems like he’s
looks like he’s living large now
he’s doing porn yeah he’s winning awards and
stuff i don’t
think he actually does the porn part though
right he just
does like acting in porn yeah but he’s like winning
winning awards winning porn awards yeah do
those count
they do count haha joey
joey we lost them it’s two hours in
i’d said my
blood sugars down i’m
thinking about that
sausage sub the air
conditioning is
my air conditioning is
broke in my office it’s being replaced
on tuesday so what’s today
wednesday tuesday tuesday
gotta wait a week
gotta wait a week
yeah they got to
order all the parts and all that shit so there’s no air
in the whole
house no no the
house has air just not my office
yeah you don’t like air
and you open the back window yeah
it gets hot as fuck in the valley
that’s one of the
things i miss
about colorado
never really got that hot
yeah my house
in colorado
no need for air conditioning ever
so i just open up a window
beautiful clean
mountain air
have some fucking tap
water your tap
water is a well how
about that sun
you’re drinking
water out of a fucking
stream it’s in the earth
yeah yeah man
i so want to move back to colorado
but mrs rogan
so not down for
getting the
another dog
eaten by a monster in the woods
that’s what
chloroforms for
chloroform the fucking talking about
that’s what
chloroforms for
no it’s not wake up
where are we
you’re in california
dude you can’t
live with someone and kidnap them move them to another
state especially with
babies and shit
it’s a lot of work what the
chloroform my joey
is gonna run joe diaz
where you at this weekend
what are you doing this weekend
i got a couple shows friday tell people
where they can see you
sal’s comedy
motherfucking hole
yeah south’s comedy
hole is a new
place that i want to
check out late
in probably
not i seen those new
place on the brea
tell me about this
place on the brea
tell me you’ve been there twice though where
it’s very avant garde it’s on libre and melrose
libre and melrose
i guess that’s where it is what are you asking me fuck
cause i wanna know
about it i’ve never been there before it’s a new
place in la
you gotta give me some props now i’m fucking
tired let’s go get a sausage and pepper sandwich oh
joey died he faded on us yeah
did you imagine that imagine if your job if you
could fall asleep after two hours
so it’s a good spot though
sal’s comedy hole on friday night and i’m going to the
spot tonight i have no fucking idea he’s gonna call
okay so call
sal’s comedy hole i don’t even give a fuck don’t call
sal’s comedy hole don’t bother
me i’m going to the improv
people want to see you
if someone’s in la and they’re looking for some comedy
thank you you’re on the late night show at the improv
which show ten o’clock
or the eleven
ten o’clock right
friday ten that’s the refried beans yes
okay so what time’s your spot
i have no idea when i get so you’re on that show so
if you want to see some good comedy
go to the improv
10 10 o’clock show absolutely friday night
joe diaz will be there
and brian and i will be
at the vegas
house of blues on friday night me and sam tripoli
and then on saturday
we’re gonna go to the ufc
saturday is probably
gonna work from your sponsor yeah
yeah fucking i can’t wait for stay what do you think is
gonna happen with shane car went in brock lesnar
i’ve been thinking
about i think brock lesson is gonna win this brock
smash first
round really
first round huh yeah what do you think take them down
pound on them pound them to death
and just gonna be stopped do you think that
shane carlin
won’t be able
to stop brock from taking them down yeah i
think brock’s just a
monster and you can’t
stop when that fist is coming at you and it’s just
gonna keep on coming and i
think he’s just gonna get
smashed brained
really yeah
so you know what
about the fact that
shane carwin is
literally i mean physically at least on
paper the same size
you know he
weighs the same amount and he’s
knocked out
every single person
every single
person bro it’s a fucking
different dance he’s a big dance
this is a big fucking dance
brock has been
there before you know how he’s a big fucking
dance brock
is so competitive
and he really feels i bet
he needs to come back he’s amazing
and i think he’s
just got a lot of time to
think about shit and a lot of
training to do and
he’s gonna probably be
more ready now than he’s ever been in his life i
think well you know he’s not even cutting weight
he’s walking around it like 265
he’s lost weight but fat
he’s like ripped he’s like in really good shape
like his mass is thick
because now he’s on this really
vegetable diet and
high in fiber and you know
broccoli and shit like that to go
along with the meat
so he’s got this diet that’s like a
cleaner diet and he
watches his food like
the countdown
show was pretty interesting when they were talking
about him coming back and they
started out nice and slow
he worked out they made sure his
heart rate didn’t go over certain beats per minute
and then they slowly
built him back and they
could see the
beast return
you know and then before you know it he’s fucking 280
pounds again
throwing people around that’d be
funny if his
tattoo grew like
e t’s flower got dead you know but
what if someone actually
tattooed a dick on
their chest
just like it
no like a dick
like no question at all
like a dick
would they let them
fight in the usc
what if you
got a guy like hector lombard who’s like the
bellator champion
very highly
touted middleweight one of the best in the world
but what if a guy like that level
decided to come like go me what if go me came over the
ufc and he tattooed a dick on his
chest well the probably make them
cover it up a bit
you know how you make a guy
cover it up they have makeup they just
put some they
can’t put makeup
on he’s gonna
fight man is it
a movie they
would take marker
maybe like permanent
marker permanent
marker and drop make it look like a person’s
face well someone
did that um
from the the wolf’s lair what the fuck is his name shit
god damn it
you know it’d be awesome if a
fighter came out his
name the english guy
paul kelly paul
kelly’s kelly
he left the wolf
slayer so he had like
marker and he put
a big x across the wolf
slayer on his back because he had
tattooed the wolf
slayer on his back
you know it’d be awesome what a fighter
should do what
as they should
draw all over their
face like make it look like they passed out at a
party you know like
have digs and cocks and get
those chemicals
in your skin you can get someone’s eye with
sweat you can’t do that
you can’t put anything on you’re not even
that’s why after the gsp bj pen
fight the corners
aren’t even allowed to put vaseline on
right they have
to the cut men have to do it and they control it
yeah it’s i don’t know man
what if someone did though what if someone did but you
think that would be you can’t
fight main event
fight main event
fight big event
like like a
lesnar carwin type
thing like gsp
right like gsp’s
gonna have this fucking big
crazy fight coming up with josh costcheck
right you know and
as you know he steps into the octagon
he realized gsp’s got a big dick
tattooed on his chest
a real dick
vein a black one a black dick
he just got crazy
and decided to give something that
you know my idea
is to distract people
they concentrate
on the black dick
you know probably
somewhere in the
contract you’re not allowed to do that yeah probably
no black ticks in your chest
you think so yeah it’s
probably it’s
probably something like that i can find that out well i
guess yeah yeah
i don’t even
ask them though because then dana
webb looking why the fuck are you asking me this
look are you high we’re gonna start
testing all right ladies and gentlemen
that’s about two
hours so joey diaz is
starving for a sausage and pepper sandwich
old school like they used to give you a
north bergen north
bergen you go down to get a fucking sausage and pepper
you can’t even get that shit
these fucking
half a fags i can’t make a goddamn sandwich
i want a fucking sausage and pepper
real peppers
and fucking
marinara sauce
hey joe what’s this flashlight
thing joey diaz
oh the flashlight joey diaz
you gotta do a word for the fucking
sponsor i’ve been telling you that we’re a half hour
joey diaz character
this motherfucker
stop fucking your hand
no this ain’t funny
this is the flashlight
well a word for our sponsor
we gotta keep the
lights on ladies and gentlemen
the way we do it is rubber assholes that’s what we do
that’s what
pays keep the
lights on it’s soft it’s
wonderful it feels good
if you leave it out in the sun it gets warm
and you can you could
you can also
put it in a
tub full of hot water
that’s a good move to
fill the tub out with hot
water bathtub
and then you
squirt some lube
put some lube in there
and then you
stick your wreck penis
and you like this
i haven’t even
thought about
doing it in the shower the only problem with the
flashlight is as much of a
loser as you feel like when you jerk off
you feel like five times more of a
loser when you nut into a rubber pussy
you just feel like a fucking idiot
but it’s an outstanding product it’s not like i’m
gonna stop using it
but you do feel
completely ridiculous
like if somebody
caught you beating off that’d be one thing
but if you know your girl walks in and you’re like
oh what you’re nutting into a rubber pussy
i mean it’s one of the most
ridiculous things you could ever get busted doing
fucking a rubber pussy
a real dollar probably way
worse though
yeah that would be totally
worse way worse because at
least this way you like i know it’s not a person
right i’m just watching porn and beating off
a real doll is really kind of fucking useless when you
think about it yeah
how dumb do you have to be to really
think that you’re having sex with a i
would want one just to
drive around with in the car and do practical jokes and
stuff like that that’s a good move but i
think cops look now
i think people have done shit like that
before i know people have been busted with masks and
stuff but if you put a fucking
seatbelt on that sunglasses there’s no way that cops
gonna know that’s fake you know
if you have tinted windows for sure
right then there’s no way he’s
gonna know yeah put
make it look like
put a helmet on him and bandages and shit like he’s the
mummy like something
fucking bad happened to him or
school girl
like a school girl outfit
no then the cops
gonna investigate
you you’re the
worst criminal of all time
alright this weekend joe diaz is at
south comedy hall on friday
night and the 10 pm show at the improv
don’t miss em it’s epic
stand up comedy it’s
real stand up comedy old
school joey we
gotta make a fucking cd with you this year
okay can we do that
absolutely can we make a cd
talking monkey
i put that shit out
should we do a dvd or a cd
we should do a goddamn
dvd dvd all
right we’re
gonna do that
it pains me to know
anne that joe diaz does not have a name
again it’s gonna be
even though you got a restraining
order i’m still
gonna fucking kill you
that’s the name of my arm
right there duck
i like it i like it we will go with that or what else
he decides tomorrow
even though you don’t have a restraining
order i’m still
gonna fucking kill you let’s plan this out
right now so
that people know
where we’re
gonna do this
where should we do this
where should we do we’re
gonna do this somewhere
you know what
we should do
here’s what we
should do we should
when i’m doing a weekend somewhere
like a dallas weekend or austin or something like that
where i’m doing friday and saturday and sunday
how about we fly in
thursday okay
we put it up
on twitter and the internet and i host it and i
bring you up let’s do it
i bring you up fire it up
recorded dvd
okay so let’s plan on doing that next time
and part of the tub
videos gonna be on there that we shoot
with the tank next week
in burbank that’ll be that’s what we’ll do i’ll host
it and we’ll
bring you up and we’ll have you know you’ll do like
do 45 minutes
45 minutes banging
out and we’ll have you know it’ll be fucking
perfect i don’t get it we need to
do that we’ve been needing to do that for a long time
so if you need to see joey
eventually gonna get to see him on dvd
but for now go to see him if you’re in la
sal’s comedy hole
friday night
and the improv 10 pm show
if you want to see me
house of blues friday
night in vegas
stay black it’s
gonna be the less
like calm it’s
gonna be the shit the
house of blues is and the
house of blues by the
way have you ever seen me there before and it was chaos
we completely revamped the
whole situation there’s no more standing
after we went to see doug stanhope
brian and i
went to see doug stanhope and ari went to and
it was so tiring just
standing up it was
awful it’s hard i did not know it was that hard to
watch a show i figured it was just like
i’m standing on
stage for an hour and a half
i think it’s no big deal
stand and watch but it’s a big deal it’s
annoying as fuck
especially because when i’m on
stage i can walk around and move and it
doesn’t feel so made me hate
the comedy when you’re
standing and you have to
stand in one spot too
and i kept like moving my arms stretching my backs are
hurting not fun so i decided
after that time
no more standing room shows
we’ve made one mistake
we did in memphis that one fucking show in memphis
which was a disaster
right there
was fucking
half the show was
standing and it was all a bar
and everybody was talking at the top of
their voice
and there was no
other venue available
in memphis when we were there so we took it but
when we do the
house of blues now
everybody seated so
they had to cut out a few hundred tickets
a few hundred seats because they used to let people
a few hundred people
stand over by the bar area but it became a disaster
everybody would talk and they
would yell shit out and they would
annoy the fuck out of the people that were sitting
so now it’s
sweet it’s nice everyone seated so that is
eight o’clock on friday and then
after that if you’re around
steel panthers
at midnight we’re
gonna go see that too
steel panther
fucking the rock show it’s the shit
yeah i can’t wait yeah it was
gonna be fun man the
guy is the greatest
ozzy osborne
impression in the history of the universe
alright ladies and gentlemen
thank you very much for
tuning into the podcast we
appreciate it and we’ll be back next week
and that’s it we love you bitches
may that one