there it goes
ladies and gentlemen welcome to another you
stream broadcast
who’s that me
me motherfucker gotcha one
we only did one week
where we didn’t fuck anything up and that was yesterday
yesterday we completely had it together
joining me this week is my good pal
the very funny Mr Bill Burr
Bill Burr ladies and gentlemen what’s up Joseph
you might know Bill from
all sorts of television stand up comedy
things the Chappelle Show blah blah blah blah blah
one of the funniest
guys out there I love the 80’s
Strikes Back
don’t forget that
that’s on the IMDB page
I also have a failed
pilot for some reason on my IMDB page
which it didn’t even air
and somebody
still start up there talking
about anything we’re sponsored by the The Flashlight
this is a flashlight have you ever seen one of
these Bill Burr
a flesh colored flashlight no
thank you I don’t
know we know what it is Bill Bears like
what is that
you fuck it that’s the butthole version it’s patenting
rubber technology
really put your fingers
no it’s freak me out
okay you jerk off though right I mean
I assume right constantly okay now why wouldn’t I
put one on the way up to your house
this is this is I’m all about
this Robin one out a fucking tool to masturbate
with it’s instead of your hand it’s a fake vagina
this is the I’m not saying that you shouldn’t
you shouldn’t you know I’m not
against it but it’s just odd you handing it to me the
first minute of you
well I’m just trying to see how you react
oh yeah I hope you got a good yeah I got a
good gauge yes
I’m into I’m into porn
I like the videos and that type of
thing but I
gotta admit like
that’s just
those sex toys it’s like very serial killer like
where you just sort of fucking
a part of somebody
I agree there’s
nothing else there yeah I know what you mean you
know like you went to the butcher you’re like yeah just
give me a slice of crotch
yeah this doesn’t it
doesn’t have to look like a
pussy it looks exactly like a
pussy that the
pussy one does
it really doesn’t have to it just has to be a hole
maybe you’d feel
better that doesn’t
look like a
butthole that
doesn’t look like a butthole
hold it up to the camera that
doesn’t look
like a butthole
I think it needs a little work
if what an 8 year
old ass look how little that
is bleach it’s a girl with a
butthole that’s got a problem because that suckers not
air tight look at that there’s a little hole in there
escaping yeah
that’s not good yeah
after you ruined it last night
trying it out I have
never fucked this
that’s why I
handed to people I fucked the vagina one I have
never fucked the
phone that’s maybe
your next CD
I have never fucked this
you just hold something up
that’ll get into Walmart
the only ones left like
Calm you want to sell something
yeah go to Flashlight
Calm and buy it but
you know we
were disturbed because we went to the website
we could not find a black one
they have only pink
fake vaginas
now you know what you
could go both ways on that one
that that is either racist or
white people
can get offended
like how come
you’re slicing up white women and turning them
into little
plastic pillowy things for people to fuck
you know they should have like a swirl
like a Jet Pop you know like those old pudding pops
where it’s like vanilla and chocolate
that’s not bad
the zebra one yeah why why fucking
why not a little
mouth one too
and you have that
other one so you can finally have like a fake menaja
toi yeah it’s
almost fake mouth licking your balls
whatever that is the
flash flashlight whatever you call it isn’t it kind of
creepier that
it actually does look like a vagina like if it was
green or something like that
maybe it’d be easier to fuck
that doesn’t you
wouldn’t have to think
about it being a serial killer sort of a thing
so that really
doesn’t look like anything
it doesn’t it
doesn’t but the vagina one does
like the 4th grader made that you just
as a good father be like oh yeah yeah I can see that
totally does you have a lot of talent
you encourage them
we were saying yesterday that it’s
funny that they sell the butthole version and the
vagina version and what if the butthole version just
so outsold the vagina version they just
canceled making them because nobody wanted to fuck to
river vagina
like left handed guitars
they’re like 10
extra for the vagina
Joe next time you fuck I try
taking it out like fish in the bucket
and fucking it out of the plastic thing
yeah like your hand really it’s so much better
really Brian has a tip a health
he’s like the Martha Stewart of fake vaginas
do you have an empty tip
do you like review sex toys
no I don’t review sex toys only
technology shit I
should I should review
sex toys why not dude
you should totally do a full
you fuck it version
of a review
where you fuck
the flashlight I
should take the food blog to the next
show and show us
like show us you fucking it but you don’t
want we don’t have to see your dick and anything but we
should know that you really are fucking it like you’re
naked no no you
take a picture
right after you’re done
and we’ll try to get
the level of
just fill my face the whole time
using it but that’s it
is there a fucking
thing on this
earth that’s more disgusting than another dude’s loads
if you think about it
if you had a choice between the guy pissing on you or
shooting a load on you well obviously it’s no brainer
it’s longer
would get over
and you have a washcloth
right there
right and a
stand up shower
so it’s over really
quickly wow
that might be better you know
maybe it’s just a pool you just a
load might be better
he’s right it’s
quicker it’s just like get it done wipe it
off you’re not
like sitting there for 2 minutes getting pissed on I
see what you’re saying you get a
laugh at the guys faces he’s like
I see what he’s saying but to me it’s a
dude just shot a load on me and I can’t deal with it I
could deal with a dude pissing on me that’s an act of
aggression a guy
shooting a load on me is like that guy
basically just fucked me
yeah you know I’m saying
it just snot from below
you know it’s just
yeah but it’s sort of a
maybe it’s just
was just an accident a Mark he’s marking me
it’s an accident you gotta
stop being so judgmental
but peeing is how you usually
market animals usually use
PETA marks that’s
okay that’s like I said that’s an active
aggression an active
aggression like
urinating on me
would not offend me nearly as much as
dropping a load on me
that’s just me though
I agree with
that honestly
things that I don’t really
think of what if it was a long beer piss
though you know
that’s what I’m saying
asparagus piss yeah 4 hours
sitting in Yankee Stadium
right drinking beer in the hot sun
are you a sports female
sports fan no
I don’t the only
sport I watch besides
mixed martial arts and boxing is pool
I watch professional pool
which is completely ridiculous
actually I’m
watching the NBA finals
and I have to have the game on mute
because I’m convinced the announcers hate my team
and it just
gets insane
dude people get so fucking mad if they feel
like someone’s doing bias commentary I get so much shit
from due to or
angry at me because I call the
fight as I see
it you know I try to be as objective as possible
and have like
no one’s my favorite I don’t want anybody in
particular to win I just wanted to happen
I have a bunch of guys that I love
watching when they
fight because they’re good
but I don’t I try to
never like root for somebody
right so I do my best to stay objective
but I call like I fucking see it some dudes get
crazy that’s because
they’re so emotionally invested like me with the
Celtics I want them to win
and like you
know like I’ve got invited to a come on down
watch watch game
7 it’s like I can’t
I can’t fucking deal with all
these I’m gonna sit there by myself and I have to
watch it on
mute I can’t be around a
bunch of other people
cause there’s
gonna be people there
who don’t give a fuck
or they gonna be rooting for another team
and I will literally have rage
me and no I’ve really been examining it like
what was silly
it is I heard
somebody told me that I
think Jay Leno said
was I wasn’t into
sports and he was just like
bait why do I care if
the peanuts
beat the kangaroos and you know something like that
and it just
really sort of was like yeah why do I give a shit
it’s a trick
people think that the NBA
finals are rigged
like that kardashians
going on TMZ
saying the whole
thing’s rigged who is
going on Kim Kardashian
Robert Kardashian
Robert Carne
I think is the brother of Kim and he’s like
going on saying like you know that’s
incredible source that family
I mean one of
one of the guys is a
Are they gonna re examine the Warren
Commission next
take another peek at the Sapruder film
yeah come on really yeah
but the thing
the Kardashians looked into the moon landing
isn’t somebody off that in the
married to an NBA player though
there were yeah that is true and the
NBA also had a ref that got busted with mob ties and I
loved how they acted like he was the only one who
I was just Tim
like you wouldn’t notice that if you were
refereeing with them
is he teeing everybody up you know
like if he bet the
under and everybody’s like fouling out
I mean I know that’s an exaggeration
it’s one of the easiest games to fix
you know they
had a problem with that with professional pool
with professional pool
the only one time
that a sports book
ever put a line
on the event
I forget what casino was in
it was that but it was in Vegas
and it was a big tournament
these guys are
grinding they’re out there
you know professional pool players don’t make much
money you know even the best in the world so
there was an
underdog this guy Mike LeBron he hadn’t
won a big tournament
like that in a long time so they all got together and
said hey Mike
guess what you won the tournament we’re
going to fucking bet on you
they all threw in and everybody dumped
and they all dumped Mike LeBron one they
cleaned up and the book he’s
never put a line on pool again
and did they
and they obviously figured it out
fucking everybody
know they’re driving balls of the rail
their fucking supposed
to get out ball in hand they don’t get out they scratch
you know there was
there was a
bunch of shots were dudes were like what the
fuck is this they were obviously bad
well you know they do
their best but
these guys high
level pros don’t miss very often
you know so
they can fuck up and take a bad path on purpose and
a path that gives them a high percentage of getting
stuck behind balls or something like that
so they make
errors on purpose
and you look at it and you’re like why the fuck
would that guy play that like that like
this guy’s top of the food
chain world champion
they’re just trying
a snooker player got busted recently for taking a 300
300 thousand euro bribe
he was taking a bribe
to dump a bunch of matches
and this guy is like one of the very best in the
world he’s like a top line
and snooker players make big bank
but apparently
it’s a common
what was his vice
money that he took it
just wanted
money you know
he said that they’ve done it before
and you know they got
this guy on hidden camera and shit it was pretty pretty
devastating for the
whole snooker community because he’s like one of
their starbs but all
8 people who are in the fucking
snooker huge over there bro you don’t
understand it
I don’t know what snooker is
snooker is this
crazy game it’s like pool but it’s played on a
giant table a 12 by 6
and the pockets are really
small and the balls are really
small and they’re colored
and I don’t know the
exact room is there mushrooms on the table
is that from the 70s remember that bumper pool
remember that
I do remember bumper pool that
shit was ridiculous god
about that yeah you just
they had like little mushroom trees or something
in the middle
little rubber ones to bounce it off that’s
cause you didn’t have
space for a real table
so you get one of
these goofy fucking
things was only 2 and
you had to make it more difficult that’s
right yeah that was the 70s everybody
put some sort of
reference to drugs
right on the table
pool has always
had a problem with people gambling and dumping
money it’s like a common
thing a bunch
amongst guys who bet like guys
will back pool players and the pool players would dump
and cut up the
money because they know this
where they’re gonna win
you know so
that whole world the
world of gambling when you get gambling involved
with anything and there’s a lot of gambling on pro
basketball I
would just assume it’s rigged
wouldn’t you
yeah I mean I
You know I I
would think uh
well I think the players make too much money
and so it’s very hard like that and the way the way to
definitely do
it is some sort of authority figure on the
court like you know
referee and umpire or something like that
given back and
I went to the game when
Kevin Garnett hurt his knee
against Utah
which I’m sure you
still have on
videotape such
a huge hoop
fan I don’t even
know those humans
the referees were
literally dictating the pace of the game
and it made like
no I’m trying to
equate it to what you do be like
a guy had no
stand up and all of a
sudden he was great at
stand up and then 5
seconds later
again oh yeah
he doesn’t have any it
would make wouldn’t be
right it’s not consistent
right they were like calling
everything everything
everything and you
could just see
him loosen up the rains then a guy would like
literally take a dude’s head off and they just I had no
blood no foul
and then all of a
sudden it was like
did these guys bet
us it was almost like they bet like a specific number
I don’t know what it was but it was one of the
weirdest called games
guys have been busted for that though
right referees have been busted for doing
things that there well they had they had that referee
and I’m sure if
other ones got busted
maybe they kept it
quiet I have no idea as usual
I have like one
story and then that becomes law I just
spread it out over
every sport and
start pontificating
Bill Burr is one of the more interesting conspiracy
theorists that I know because Bill Burr you’ll
start talking to him
about it and then 5 minutes in he’ll he’ll
admit that he
doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking
about he saw a YouTube
video what’s this
what’s up with this GPS
I’m one of the
people okay
he doesn’t use GPS
I called them to give him directions I go you got GPS
thinking I’m just
gonna give him my address
nah I got a
Thomas Guide
a fucking Thomas
Guide like a goddamn pioneer
yeah like a pencil and like an eraser
and you’re like putting compass like directions on
stuff first
of all you guys are acting like I’m churning
butter you guys
both had one like fucking 5 years ago didn’t you
yeah why did I get here I was on
yes you were
I was early
early on with the GPS
I had the first GPS was a CD based GPS
it was CD ROM based so
I only had a map of Los Angeles but
I’ve never even
used those books I
think I’ve just always used
map quests and stuff
maybe before that my mom
would write down the directions on a napkin
when I first
moved here I used it
I had it written down on
an envelope
how’d I get here
there was no problems it was very easy
when I first
moved to LA I had a
Thomas guy but I
haven’t had
one in a long time for LA that just seems impossible
it is impossible
so many you don’t want to
think don’t use your
brain let the computer
do it that’s
right type in the zip let a
British woman
tell me what to do so what is your deal with GPS you
think the GPS is
possibly dangerous
I think it’s a waste of
money then also
one of my many
non researched opinions is I just don’t like that that
the fact that there’s some sort of I don’t know what
they beam a signal up to a
satellite it burns back down through the
atmosphere and into my fucking car
and there’s somebody
talking to me
actually I think it
doesn’t beam
anything out I
think it just is like a receiver
it’s always
beaming at you
and it picks up what it’s being beamed at you always
beam it at me
yeah yeah I don’t want that
I don’t want
stuff always beamed at me
you’re getting it no matter what yeah you’re getting
it right now
how do you think I’m getting
right now if you receive
it if you receive it like there’s a beam coming at you
okay if there’s something
to receive it like a box like some sort of a GPS box
all that’s doing
but all that’s
doing is receiving something that’s already there
if your brain is
going to be affected by
its getting affected by what’s already there no matter
I have lead
I have lead on the inside of my
thing you guys
I’m gonna die
earlier because you guys don’t want to fucking use a
Thomas guy why
would you think the GPS
would be dangerous though it’s like the
radio being dangerous
or this Wi Fi
we’re doing this we’re broadcasting a show to that
plastic bottle you’re
drinking out it’s more dangerous
it is if you
leave it in say
that classic
bar room point
right there
that plastic bottle is more dangerous really
you just got done doing research on that didn’t you
you have no
idea yeah it is because
actually like he said if you keep it in your car and it
might heat up it actually
released it in
warehouses for years yeah being heated up
and then we’re
hopefully not
hopefully not
but they said that if you
leave one in your car and it
gets really hot out it actually releases chemicals that
especially for men are not good for you oh
even if you have
even if it’s
just in here just the fact that’s in a plastic yeah
the chemicals are in the plastic
well now you’re on my page
see I like how you’re concerned
about this that’s what I’m saying you’re not concerned
about the anything and don’t you hear
that dude you’re
gonna fucking die anyway
he always ends up
going to that by the way he just quit
cigarettes like a
month ago right
so oh there you go
that’s like that’s like
a buddy of mine I had a
buddy of mine was giving me shit
when I went
I was about
ready to head out
a friend of mine was uh
oh it’s a long
story I don’t name names
what the fuck I was doing I was doing something we were
gonna go celebrate we’re
gonna go get shit faced so
this guy is
married he has a kid
so then he used to be a fuck up so I’m not
married I don’t have any kids and he sends me that
sends me a text he’s like you know dude it’s pretty
funny you know how
like how things turned out he’s like I’m
married and I have a kid now
and responsibility and you’re
still out partying
and it’s just like
it’s just one of
those things
that fucking people just because you have a kid they
think that automatically makes you responsible you’re
still a fuck up
you just have it you just passing it on now
well what’s really
funny is the nobility that they attach to
it and this is coming from someone who has 2 children
but I used to get so
annoyed when I
would talk to people who had kids and they
would compare
their life to my life
they’d be like well look at you you know you’re just
a single guy just running around being the same guy
what what the fuck
do we have to make people is there a
shortage of fucking
human beings
there’s 6 billion of us all
right there’s plenty of people
you’re not more
noble because
you’re raising a person I commend you for it
I hope you enjoy
it I hope you you know you really commit to it you
raise a good person it
doesn’t turn out to be
a fucking psycho but it
doesn’t make you a more
noble person because you have a
child yet that
some of them
think that I’m moral
they’re more just they’re doing the right
thing they’re not being
silly with their life
like it’s so but
this guy really wanted to go out and get wasted
and he was jealous that I can
continue to live my sad lonely life
stick it in your face
it’s funny a single person so that
but he’s a good shit though
cause I called him up the next day
I’m like dude
you fucking
failed a drug test
like 6 months ago and you took a header off your
front steps walking your dog down the street
and you had a red Mark looking like fucking
Jimmy Snooker when I
catch you right
and you’re giving me shit
Jimmy Snooker
yeah he comes with
Jimmy Snooker
reference the
Super Fly remember that you get on the top row
any all that scar
tissue I love you
he did have that scar tissue that’s the old school guys
would cut their own forehead to bleed
oh yeah you know
he’s related to The Rock
is he really the Rock is somehow related to
Super Fly Snook I
know I think that was his uncle
you really you can somebody name me a cooler uncle
than Jimmy fly
Snooker that’s it
yeah especially if you turn up to be a
wrestler yourself
he was Jimmy
Superfly snooker was my favorite when I was in high
school he was my number one Bob Backlin was pretty good
cause he had a real wrestling
stance I appreciated that
he went in there and looked like he really knew how to
wrestle he would arm drag dudes and shit
I heard he didn’t like a lot of the characters really
it’s almost like a joke writer hating a performer you
know he’s in there doing like the well he was a real
wrestler you know what really sucks
about wrestlers
wrestling is one of the toughest
sports in the
world but there’s no professional avenue for it
they tried it they
tried out Professional
Wrestling League a few years back
nobody wanted to
watch it just it hasn’t caught on
when things
haven’t caught on it’s very hard to get them to
catch on unless it’s something
fucking crazy like
mixed martial arts
mixed martial arts is so
crazy and so primal
that once it
started getting on TV everybody’s like whoa holy shit
you know just gets everybody in you’re not
gonna get that from
wrestling but
wrestling is easily more
exciting than a lot of
sports that are already on TV including
you know soccer
soccer’s not as
exciting as
wrestling to me I
would rather
watch like really good I like
I can defend soccer
I I don’t mind
it not American soccers like if LA plays like DC
right the Columbus Crew yeah yeah
that’s horrible
it’s horrible but international
level soccer
is pretty bad yeah because now you’re dealing with
like the shit talk and goes to a
whole another
level you’re talking
there’s wars one and loss between the 2 teams
there’s Holocaust genocide
yeah that’s true
fundamental and
they’re singing songs you
know they’re
going nuts they got
their Elton John scarves on
did you hear what’s
going on in Africa
forget what country it is in Africa but
2 people have been killed and a
bunch have been arrested
for watching the World Cup
because it’s like
a super extreme
Muslim village
that has a very extreme interpretation of the Quran and
apparently the Quran does not
allow gambling
does not allow
any sort of games and does not
allow dancing and any of
those things they’ll lock you up for
so this is considered
basically no happiness
no happiness
and the World Cup
is considered
again so they’re
going door to door and arresting people for
watching the
World Cup Brian
could you Google that real
quick tell me what the fuck that is
by the way how’s that coffee taste it’s
great it’s coming out of an animal’s
butt I’m loving that oh really this is the
iced coffee
it’s really good
right isn’t it
smooth yeah
there’s a coffee called copi luuac
and it comes from the butthole of a
thing called a palm civic
this is animal that eats coffee beans and shits em out
and they go through his
digestive tract
digestive tract
and they pull
these little beans out of his shit
clean em up
and sell em
and they make coffee out of em and the coffee’s
super smooth
because the
is it an insect the end no it’s like a cat like a Civic
you know what a Civic it is it’s just big fucking
well not big it’s a little not yet
this is bullshit
no no it’s true it’s totally true
it’s called kopi
ka opi luaq
l u w AK it’s not a cat’s a Civic but it looks
like a cat you know it’s got a long tail it’s like this
weird animal that eats coffee beans
so it eats the beans shits them out and then
somehow or another I guess
they would thought the beans were
worth too much
money they let
these animals
eat them like fuck let’s not let them go to
waste like somebody must have been desperate when they
first tried it
but now it’s
worth like a lot of
money I probably
wouldn’t have tried it
unless because then deep in this coffee cup it’s not
good but then what it has
it added a new flavor yeah
it changes the it makes it more
mellow it makes it
taste better it really does it’s good
not that good I like my favorite coffee’s from Hawaii
but I’m stuck it in his armpit
did you find the story
yeah I said simoleons are going underground to
watch band soccer is that what you’re talking about
yeah well there’s a
bunch of arrests too because Somalia is fucking buck
wild man you know that people’s Coast Guard of Somalia
those guys that are just jacking people
every day out there I know the
giants are weak
I remember those guys
do you know what they’re doing up you know the whole
thing about Somali
pirates you know
they’re high on a drug
they take this thing called cat it’s like a plant that
they chew like the leaves of this plant
and it’s a narcotic it’s like crystal meth
I was like the boy soldiers over there
I don’t know
what’s the boy soldiers that’s like when you’re
8 years old but you’re a soldier
oh well yeah
I mean there’s the war out over there is incredible
yeah I mean you
you see dudes with like hyenas
on chains and they’re
carrying around fucking
rocket launchers down the streets I mean some of
the like Liberia like some of the
videos about
you ever seen the Vice
Guide series online
these guys they go to the some of the craziest fucking
places in the
world and you see some of the nuttiest shit like
they went to the Arctic Circle
with this guy who lives up there in a fucking
cabin in the Arctic Circle and hunts caribou all day
that’s all he does
like hunts and eats and hunts and eats
so it happens when you tap out yeah
now you this guy’s been there for
30 years though
it’s really fascinating but anyway they went to
North Korea
and they also went to
Liberia and
Liberia is fucking
crazy they are
first of all there’s
been there’s been war in
Liberia forever
Liberia was
basically founded
from what I
understand is they had American
slaves they let go
and they sent them back to Africa and they formed
Liberia and the UN was there
until like really
recently like 1020 years ago or something like that
and now they’re gone and the
place is just chaos
it’s just war and cannibalism is running rampant
they’re eating each
other left and right
they sell like
human food on the corner like human meat
and people don’t
know it and they buy it and guys turn people in
this one guy
his name was General Butt
Naked because he
would go to war and he
would get Butt Naked
and he believed that he
could not be killed because he
would eat the
blood and flesh
of an innocent
child of the
enemy so they
would go to the
enemy’s camp
they would steal a
child kill the
child and eat a
piece of its fucking
heart because
they felt like they
wouldn’t be able to die in combat this is a guy that’s
alive right now
sounds like a plan
you don’t realize how fucking
crazy the world can be
until you watch what’s
going on in Africa uh
yeah I mean
I don’t know
I take a lot
of comfort in knowing that I can only die once
how do you think
I don’t think like
you work out too much
you wouldn’t be
worth he is T
Joe be like a flank steak
you know just some tough
piece of meat you know
you want something
more Joey Diaz
would be delicious oh
you’d be like veal
and you could sell them for days
if you think
about the way Africa is
right now with a lot of countries like
Liberia and Somalia it really is like the
apocalypse like if that was going on right here
if that was over here
if we were in fucking
north Hollywood there was gangs they were eating each
other and fucking shooting each
other and walking on the street with hyenas
we would go okay the end is here
this is the end yeah but you know I love
about that shit
those are the guys who win
all these who’s that not Bill
Bixby what the hell’s the name of that guy the the guy
with the he’s been riding a bicycle out here forever
solar panels and not Bill Bixby
ed Bagley Jr Oh
I’m bad with the names
that green show yeah that
he he’s gonna be at the
apocalypse comes he’s
gonna be fucked
I have this theory that people who gather
all this shit for it if you don’t have
you need a militia
cause if you
don’t all you’re doing is you’re just turning your
house into a
supply room
the target yeah for the
toughest guys who come down
the block and then just take it from you
my car’s like that my car has like walkie
talkies in it
it’s got fucking like
every single like
like sleeping bags just in case I have to escape this
city real quick but it’s
starting to get retarded
like I have
like batteries
that can recharge by the sun and
stuff like that do you realize the
level of heads up that you how
on the inside you’d have to be that this entire city
wouldn’t be like gridlock
right of people leaving yeah
yeah oh this city
would be the worst ever
they don’t even know how many
people in LA that’s why I won’t fill out the census
they’re like you know fill out the census
what the fuck is the point
there’s about
20,000,000 Mexicans that you don’t have a
count on like they
literally have no idea how many Mexicans are here
it’s fucking just a flat out guess and
I’m not shit on Mexicans I
would do the goddamn same thing
my grandparents
were immigrants I
would be I got
no problem with immigration I don’t even believe in
countries I
think the whole
thing is ridiculous
I mean I think if they came over here yeah I
would fuck things up but you
know what it’s really that’s how it’s supposed to be
you’re not supposed
to keep people impoverished in a shitty
place just because you
know you claim this
patch of dirt you won’t let him over here I
think that’s
ridiculous you know if there
weren’t countries
and you just allowed to just sort of cruise around
like where would you go
that would be the problem is
things would they
would level out
the problem
is you let people go and move to wherever they want
and people are always
gonna move to the
place where it’s better and they’re
gonna abandon
their shitty place
but if you don’t
allow them they have to stay in
their shitty
place and make
their shitty
place better
which they’re
never gonna fucking do
so you ensure that there’s always gonna be
levels of people
the only way to keep levels
other than that is just
fucking be heavily armed
you have to be
armed to the teeth
your whole town
would have to be an armory
you know like
literally if you wanted to keep people out
you would have to like
constantly be
shooting people
the weapons they have now
I just love
how they’ve been
stealing money from our paychecks to
basically invent these
weapons that’ll make it impossible
for they’ll
never be another revolution no
other than you know who’s doing it
right is that guy out there in the Carolinas the
Blackwater guy or whatever
whatever the fuck it’s called
what are you talking about
that the Bill Bixby
guy up there
the Bill Bixby
that fucking dude
who he buys like old F 16s and old tanks
and he basically they’re saying if he wanted to
could take over
the White House in all of DC
by the time they fucking responded
who the fuck is this guy
uh he’s fucking he’s a
No no no black water so this is a private contractor
yeah yeah I can’t believe Jesus Christ
I can’t believe you haven’t heard of the guy no
well I know though there’s that one guy that was a
black comedy central has a development deal with them
he’s the final guy
in show business if he was funny they would do it
yeah he has like
he’s got like his own
thing did it come up Eric Prince
isn’t that the guy that got Pop for murder
he’s being processed for
about no he’s the guy he actually has his own
basically I from what I’ve heard has his own militia
and he actually hired
he gets hired out
by the US government for
them to go over there when they want to do some covert
extra filthy shit yeah
this is the I
have a friend who
works it there I have a friend who went over there
to work for who
he worked for
black Water he went over there
twice dude 2
seconds ago you
asked me who they were
no I know who
Black Water is I don’t know who this guy is that
stores all this weapons and I
thought you
were talking
about the head guy a
private guy
no no well I have a friend who
he was a sniper in the Marines
and when he got out he went back over he went back I
think he went to both Afghanistan and Iraq but he
definitely went to Afghanistan
he went twice for
money because
he was opening up a gym a
mixed martial arts gym and he needed some cash
so I just went over there for a few
months and he made like
some ridiculous amount of money like
something like
$10,000 a month or something like that was a lot of
money so for him
and they go over for a couple
months make
30 grand you know
did he do like the the
my talk about go up in the bell
tower yeah yeah he was in a bell tower
yeah there was times
where he was in a tower
it’s Eric Prince is the owner of
Black Water so I’m
guessing that’s yeah
that’s the guy that’s in
trouble right
right and he’s like fleeing and he’s in
trouble see
they had to take them down because he got too
powerful because he
could basically
that guy could write out
any sort of
uprising any sort of craziness
they done to me went
crazy whatever it’s just like yeah I got guns
and an endless bag of
snow peas and
a bunch of mercenaries
loyal to you these
paid forever
you know you’ve been paying these guys to do all
these campaigns
for you overseas they’re all murderers for you
and you know you keep
those guys online say hey you know we’re
gonna run this shit I’m
gonna take care of you you take care of me
you know simplify
black water for life
the whole deal and then they go
and when it
goes down they can defend
it but then what always ends up happening is eventually
somebody always wants your
title so someone
would want to be him
and that’s oh yeah
that’s how it
goes down that’s how it goes down in Mexico
the drug you know
it’s just a
matter of time before something happens with one of
those fucking guys you get a guy’s got that much power
that many jets
and fucking machine guns and tanks and shit he’s
gonna get a little nutty
you want to use them
you know what I mean
it’s like about a bag of fireworks he’s gonna
stick them in the corner of your bedroom
wait till the next 4th of July you’re not occasionally
gonna light off an M80 oh
they like to use them
have you ever I mean this is the first time
you know in
human history or rather in the
history of the United States that we’ve had a deal with
we haven’t had
in this country in a long long long fucking time
this whole like
giant mercenary corporation sort of a thing
this is very recent
this is just
Cheney and Bush
they didn’t use
mercenaries during Clinton
there was no
mercenaries during the
Jimmy Carter days you know
this is some
crazy shit shady
and Bush the Hall and Oates
I mean the fact
that they can hire
these people
to go do shit that you’re not supposed to do
they can shit
that’s not in the Geneva Convention shit that’s
totally illegal we’ve been doing that for a while
I know we have but we
haven’t been doing this openly
you know oh yeah no they
company to do it
well I think it’s like
for that but I
think it’s like when
wrestling finally just came out and said it’s
sports entertainment they like all
right you know we hire
these guys for
some filthy shit what do you want from us it’s
entertaining though right
yeah and they
changed it to WWE
let’s change the name of Blackwater
what is it now I don’t know something short some
you know there’s something happier yeah
bunny Rabbits Incorporated
clear water
fresh drink
fresh drinking
water for everybody
his babies are us yeah
arrowhead yeah
we love the children that’s they
changed it to
yeah I don’t know
there’s 2 schools of thought one is
the world’s a fucked up
place look at what’s
going on in Africa look what’s
going on in the Middle East
don’t you want somebody over there protecting you
they’re just trying to keep America cool keep our
standard alive keep our
standard of
living the same
I see that argument too
but then you know you see also the
other argument
I don’t believe in that whole
that those guys
have to live the way they live so I live the way I live
so those guys on top can have as much as they have
well that’s definitely
much more likely
you know what was pissing me off the
other day like
but I think they also do keep
it’s a 2 fold argument
one it’s like they keep conflict
going on and the more conflict they keep
going on the more we’re
gonna need government the
more we’re gonna need
protection I
mean that’s been proven that they create conflict
in other parts of the
world in order to control
regions they’ll arm someone
if their enemy
is you know the
other side and they’ll fuck with things I
mean we manipulated yeah but all that bullshit
where they go
where they say
where they justify like
sweatshop labor and moving factories
out of the US
and you know
they just went around the
unions and then
they just justified it by saying you know
they always say in order
to compete in a global economy it’s like
fuck you in
order for you
to get another yacht
yeah you know what I mean you can’t legally pay a
child you know whatever the fuck they pay over there
in America yeah
yeah you can’t
do it so they just went around all of that shit
and then they
stuck all of everybody’s in cubicles now
that’s when I
go on the road
gets to who is they
see because we were just talking
about the military before we were talking
about the military now we’re talking about
I’m talking
about big business
where I think corporations are at the end
every quarter they have to show a profit
they’re at the end
of legal ways to do it
so now they’re just straight up
beginning to steal
like my fucking bank that’s taking 28
bucks a month out of my account for no reason
I didn’t even notice you know on the road one of
those fucking accounts you just you know have
a couple on a
bun I finally said dude
why are you taking 28
bucks out of this and they did
on the on the laptop oh yeah we shouldn’t be doing that
yeah go alright well
I’ve had this
for 5 years let’s go back they go unfortunately sir
our records only go back 4
months yeah well
that convenient
I bet if I was getting 28
bucks from you
you know the
other way I bet
that they would fucking go back to the 60s same
thing happened to me
it was 3 months
and this is what they said to me
I said what if I
bring in all my records what if I
bring in all my records and then they go
sir it was still we’re only
going to reimburse you
4 months I go
got that that’s that’s ridiculous
and then the guy at the
bank goes well the bank looks at it like that’s on you
right because I didn’t
judge you to pay attention that they’re
stealing from
paying attention yeah it’s what he was
basically saying
what he was
basically saying was lawyer up
and yeah why
you up buddy go
ahead pretty much how it works is that’s why you have
30 days you know for credit cards you have
30 days to return shit you have
30 days to make sure all
these charges are correct once you get past
30 days then you’re pretty much
screwed do they do
other shit where
if you if you say you’re one of
these guys I pay off my balance every
month and you
think you’re getting them
this is what they do is if
if you pay it
3 days before
this guy was telling me it ends up being late
because they send
it somewhere else to be processed they deliberately
they artificially delay it
so by the time it does get to that
it’s messed up and this is
one of those
other things someone told me that in a Starbucks
and I got 3
chords away through
the sentence and I realized I didn’t have any official
right I do know who’s there I do know there has to be
something artificial because nowadays you can write a
check and within
hours that check
clears your bank
I’m like that’s a
check and it’s
going through in 2
hours and I’m like yes this is you know
technology isn’t
changed in the banking
system so this is new
but yet if you try to
pay something off or do something like that it’s like
I mean it takes like
3 days on your like transfer funds
right you know it takes like
3 days what
it makes no
sense because
it’s not there
it’s artificial
however long they can hold on to your
money they make interest off your
money too so I
guess if you think
about that that like you know if they hold on to your
money an extra few days before they do something
and you add
that up over you know the million people they have in
their bank and the 365 days a year
that practice
probably nets them a significant amount of
money if you look
28 bucks from
every shit like me who doesn’t
check for a fucking year
and I didn’t notice when it
until it went
under a thousand
bucks because
I knew I had a thousand something in there
it was one of the thing
counts I had back east
so I came out here and I was always meaning to
close it out
I had like 1200
bucks or something in it and then all of a
sudden I’m out
here for like a year and 1/2 and all of a
sudden I get my statement
and it was like down to like 900 something
bucks and that is on me
it is on me
cause I didn’t realize that your bank
could fucking
steal from you and then just
say well you know go fuck yourself that’s kind of your
fault tell you what
we’ll give you like 8090 bucks back
all right then
what they gave you they gave you like
3 months back
I don’t even know if they did the guy just said he
would I walked out disgusted and then
the NBA finals
started Fred Durk
and I started
watching that and I
never followed up
there’s actually something that just passed you guys
especially the audience
might want to
check this out
used to be a credit card like a bank or a credit card
if you had like
7 charges go through at the same time
they can take out
all those 7 charges and then charge you
7 overdraft
fees that’s how they used to be able to do it
but something just passed recently that you
could tell your credit cards and your bank
that if there’s no
money in your account you are not allowed to pull
money out so
they’re trying to trick you
into signing and
going no let’s
keep it the old way so they’ll call you up or
they’ll tell you like hey
you know you want to make sure all
these charges go through right
yeah well you need to accept
these is that
what that letter was
about that new letter is
so what you
do what I blew off yeah you don’t blow it off
tell all your credit card companies know
that if there is no
money in the account you don’t
want it to go through and you’ll save yourself all
those over you’ll
never have an overdraft charge
again so they’re forcing overdraft fees on people
they’re trying to
but they’re trying to go back to the old way
where like you
would have 7
things go through like a 3
charge and then you get charged 39
for an overdraft fee
you’re like well
why did it go through
I had no money in my account
you made a deposit to
cover it they
input the deposit last
right and then Bam Bam Bam
and they nail
it well deposit takes you know 90 days to go through
where the charge only takes
3 seconds yeah so
sorry sir I know I
understand there’s nothing we can do I love that that’s
what you always get there’s nothing we can do I’m
sorry I don’t nip
got on a plane ticket the
other day and I show up and all of a
sudden I don’t
have a seat reservation I have one on the way out
well it’s oversold
well I didn’t do that
and then the lady has an attitude with me
and it’s like what the fuck I
spent 4 500 bucks
they asked me
where I wanted to sit I picked out the fucking seat
and I was told to
have a reservation and then you oversold you oversold
you do that
with a car yeah so you
somebody pays
for a car and you go okay your car is waiting for you
and the guy comes down no
no it was oversold
yeah I oversold that
should be against the law
I wanted to make sure I sold the car so I sold it twice
yeah but that’s not even as bad
because you can get in your car and fucking drive home
imagine if they go
to somebody drop job no
no we oversold whatever car you have
so they had to come and take yours
and took it away and you’re fucking sitting in your
house going yeah but I have to go to the airport
I’m sorry sir there’s nothing we could do
how account
how can they do that I don’t care if they’re losing
money how can they sell more seats and there are seats
that should be that
should be I think
they figured out a way
to have like remember
10 years ago when used to go on the road
how many times
was the seat next to you empty
and occasionally you’d get the
whole row and you
curl up back in the good old days
the good old days right
the good old days when does that happen now and it
never happens now because they’ll always say like
they cancel
flights and jam
people together there you go they don’t give a fuck
about your convenience that’s
right and they’ll
just give away tickets to people that will
like hey you get a free
ticket if you you know
wait till the next flight so they’re
not actually overselling it because they’ll get rid of
those tickets for you you know what
though when the way I look at it
that you have to have fucking airlines or I
wouldn’t have a job I
literally need airlines to get
along no no I’m not most people don’t I’m not
against airlines I’m not even I mean
I only have a whatever that I
don’t I hate that too but
whatever the fuck they have to do is stay in business
for us for comics
could you imagine if you had a fucking
drive to all your gigs
could you imagine if you had a
drive if you had a New York gig
okay I got a gig in on Friday in New York so it’s
Monday I’m packing up my car
could you fucking imagine no you don’t be
great would would be
immediately how regional all our comedy would be
back in Boston
yeah I had like jokes when I uh
there was a
chain like 7 11 called christie’s remember that yeah
I’ll never forget the first time I did a gig
outside of Boston
I think it was like New Hampshire
and I had some
stupid joke
about winning the lottery
how nobody respects
you like you move into a rich neighborhood
and they’re like what do you do I’m a doctor I did this
I’m a brain surgeon
what do you do I say oh I went to christie’s like
meaning I got a lottery
ticket it wasn’t even a good fucking joke to begin with
and then I went up to New Hampshire
and I told the
joke and I’m like I went to christie’s it was the
first time I used a
reference that nobody fucking got
and I was remember
that high 5 you were gone by then the high 5 gig
where was that the top of the
only skyscraper in like Manchester New Hampshire oh no
one yeah yeah and I
ate my balls
I used to do
a lot of local material
when I was living in Boston because it
would kill you
know see jokes
about girls
in Revere with a big bulletproof hairdos and
a lot of like regional shit
and then when I
would go on the road it was like I was disarmed
like none of my
references would work
I would tell Revere
beach joke and you
would get like
laughter in Boston
but when you’re on the road they just
okay where’s the joke
well you remember
those guys and they’d go down to Jersey and be like
what’s the equivalent to Revere
Beach down here you
gotta like yes
you gotta regionalize all your references
the only time that’s happened
lately is if I go over to Europe
and I was saying
to somebody the
other day one of the few
things that not only I didn’t have to change
but fucking destroyed
was a reference to
Rick Flair really that
wrestler Rick Flair that’s how big those guys are
wow fucking destroyed in London
Dublin and Glasgow Scotland
well they have a lot of American
you know American culture over there England
especially I find it English
American comedians
translate way
quicker to England than England do to American
yeah we’re like yeah we’re
stuck with snobs over
here we hear like a British accent we’re like English
yeah but I mean it’s
but I’m saying like the comedy doesn’t
translate as well
they have a very specific type of
humor but they get ours you know
yeah I don’t know what what I feel like
I felt when British comedians
or comedians
from over there I either love them
or I Not only
do I not like them but I feel like
they’re like 15 years behind the time which is
so nice over there it’s
almost like the attitude they have as a country as a
culture hampers
their ability to tell real
stand up cause real
stand up there’s a part of real
stand up was like what the fuck are you doing
you know they don’t have that
they don’t get that but somehow it
comes out in their
music though like it always
seems like you know
everything from like the Sex Pistols
fucking Ozzy Osbourne
these all these
these broke
angry fucking dudes it comes out of
fighting too there’s a lot of tough MMA
guys that come out of you yeah somehow I’m trying to
think they’re more polite there’s something
about their humor
it’s just like
you know what is it’s cheeky
isn’t that the word that
they use cheeky
I don’t know what it is it just
some of them are really good you know
but some of them are just
it just doesn’t
you know and I think
first of all the
style of comedy that you and I come from to
you get very spoiled
for a certain
particular type of comedy
Boston comedy
is a very specific kind of comedy
if you stop and think
about how many good
comics have come from Boston
you know Jay
Leno came from
Boston Steven Wright came from Boston guys
that people don’t know that are probably better than
90% of the fucking people that are like big name
comics like Gavin
don gavin’s one of
the funniest guys ever walked the fucking face of the
Earth yeah he’s he’s a
monster he’s a
masterful I
think it’s all like the East
Coast I think all the way down to like DC
the amount of guys
but I think that’s also
I also think it was
because we’re from
yeah Boston does have because
they didn’t leave
they didn’t leave
those guys stayed there
no one left Boston the big monsters
Steve Sweeney
Kenny Rogerson
those don Gavin
Mike Donovan
when I was a kid okay and
when I first
started doing open mics there
and those guys were all the national headliners or the
local headliners
rather they’d be at nick’s and they’d be at
The Connection
I remember sitting there
watching those guys and they
would have like some
national guy
would come through like
Billy Crystal
and Billy Crystal
would come through
and they would put on
don Gavin Steve
Sweeney and
Lenny Clark in a row
and then bring up
Billy Crystal
yeah it wasn’t
fair they did it on purpose yeah oh yeah
they knew that the
level of comedy was so high there and
these guys were only doing 20 minutes
height to say 20 minutes left
but they’re
also doing a lot of them were doing
local references
dude I don’t give if you put on 4
local headliners
yeah in front of me
if I’m on the road yeah I’m
fucked you’re fucked
well you’re fucked for the
first couple minutes
until you can get them into your groove
but people love
local shit and Boston
especially Boston is such
a city that’s
in love with being from Boston
so like Donovan
was one of my favorite his name
doesn’t get brought up enough not enough
that that he used to do that joke about uh
had some some he is
comedy was so blue collar and I was coming up
you know working in
warehouses and
stuff it was
where my both my parents were professional
white collar but I was a moron
so I fucked up in
school so I had like blue
color job so
his comedy was just
right out over the place
he did something
he had some sort of back and forth with the boss
and he made this
reference you know
basically tell him
the boss to go fuck himself he said I’ll take a
20 minute shit on the
clock if I want to
and I fucking
fell out because it was always that lazy fuck
wouldn’t help unload the
trucks he had
every goddamn
trick in the book on how to somehow make that
8 hour day go by and one of them
was when he
would grab the Herald of the
Globe to go take
shit and it would somehow take like fucking
forty minutes
every day donovan was a
he’s another one he’s a master
there was a bunch of guys
that were around back then i mean they’re
still around i’m sure donovan
if you live in boston you could probably find him
headlining somewhere
i mean still doing comedy i’m sure right
i know he ran afoul into the irs for a bit
he owed a lot of those guys that were working for cash
for a long time they weren’t paying
taxes on it i didn’t hear anything
about that i
heard they were all up to date
i don’t know i don’t know what you’re talking
about yeah you’re
right you know what i misheard
i misheard i
think those those guys out in long island i
think some of
them did yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i miss her
oh here’s another one who
doesn’t get brought up
teddy bergeron
you ever get a chance to see
teddy bears run
holy shit that guy was good
let me tell you something
i saw that guy in 1988 i was at an open mic night
it was one of the
first times that i thought
about quitting comedy
i went up yeah
it was an open mic
night and i
went up and i you know i did my little five minutes of
fucking nonsense
stupid terrible bad comedy
just trying to make people
laugh didn’t know what the fuck i was doing
and didn’t go so good you know
those early sets it was like one of my
third or fourth sets so i’m not so good clumsy
you know maybe one
laugh and then i fuck it up with a swag
punchline and i just didn’t know what’s
doing teddy
bergeron goes up and
just so fucking smooth
smooth and relaxed
and the way he
would talk just like mesmerizing
and i had heard
about his tonight
show fucking said he just done the tonight show
and somebody had a
video of it
and they played the
video and he plays the fucking
piano he does like this talks
about commercials
and he plays the
piano and talk someone
it’s so fucking
smooth and so good
you would look at him and go okay this guy’s
gonna be gigantic this guy’s
gonna be bigger than
robin williams he’s
gonna be the biggest
stand up comic in the country
never left boston
just stayed
yeah they all stayed i don’t yeah they were they were
it was like townies
they were like townies but uh
but comedians but they all
got work they
all got work in boston they didn’t have to leave see
when they were working
at next comedy stop and they were working at you know
stitches and all
these different clubs
they could hop around from club to club like
there’s that that
you see that documentary france
almeida did
stand up stood out yeah
and you know lenny
clark talks
about all the different sets that he did he
would do all
these different sets of
night now we’d go from here to
there and there to there and there to there and close
they’d be making 1500 bucks a
night yeah and he just hire a driver
just to wait outside
and do all the sets what i loved
about those guys
is there was almost like a height
requirement too like they were all like fucking six two
six three huge guys
and they could like
literally would have like a keg of beer
over one shoulder and like an
eight ball in
their hand and
would just be
going from club to club destroying destroying
and hammered and doing
blow all the way just to keep that buzz
going and then and then the end of the
night dude i
heard some fuck
that that back room at nick’s man somebody oh
they offered to pay me a coke
what yeah they
would offer to pay you
in coke yeah
that was the deal
did they go you do coke
well no we could pay you in coke
no i’ll take cash yeah i’ll take cash what
the fuck like i
thought that
was a joke i didn’t realize they pay you in coke
they offer to pay you in coke and that
was what a lot of guys did a lot of guys got some of
their money in coke
cause i guess
are comedians and porn stars to
two careers that
can get paid and coke
if it had to come down to it yeah i
would say probably bands too
probably a lot of bands a portion of
the boxers back in the day but
djs they’d give you some
chips you ever see that i know it’s just a photo op
thing do you ever see that
great picture of
sunny liston
yeah where he
looks like he just
knocked somebody out and he’s sitting there
still in his boxer trunks
hands taped up i
think his hands were on but that had to been a
even those mob guys be like come on sonny let’s
get you showered
up a little
let’s get you showered
don’t you think the
starting out in boston was like one of the best
places you could have ever
chose to begin your comedy career i think
about that a lot so
lucky whenever i
think about that cause when did you start what year i
started in march of 92
i was like 23 almost 24 so i
started a little bit late
and i remember
just some of the times like when i’ve gone on the road
and you meet
the up and coming guys like yeah the comedy
scene here sucks
and blah blah blah blah like
it sucks so bad like don’t even know what to do
and you always tell them well just go out and
start a room
like some of them like
you know the
scene so bad they don’t even
think of doing that it’s like
what do you mean
start a room it’s like go pick a fucking sports bar
that does no business
on a monday tuesday
and tell them that you’re
gonna get people in here you know lie to them
you know you’re
gonna get people to come in to watch
these fucking open micers do five minutes each
dude the first time i ate my
fucking balls on
stage i was doing this
place like kelly
something or other
in either redding or
north redding it doesn’t
exist anymore this comedian jack
lynch booked it
and there would
literally be like a bruins game on tv
and they wouldn’t shut the game off
either fuck no
no you gotta
do comedy over
the game yeah and the volume for the game was
still on too
yeah a lot of
those gigs down the cape i did a lot of those gigs
and you’d find out the fucking game was on
while you got there
fuck the game
they’re gonna
leave the game on
there was like an always an
issue yeah you’re
gonna leave the game
and if they said are we’re
gonna turn the game off
they would turn the game off everybody go what the fuck
you fucking shot the game off
you shut the fuck
and then you
would have to go do comedy for a
bunch of people were angry
at you for shutting the game off
it was brutal and i remember
the second question
other than are you
gonna are you
gonna shut the game off is there a stage
that’s another thing now
you just stand
you just stand
right over there dude i remember doing a gig
this is how
green we were it was me
al del benny
patrice o’neal
and i want to say dane cook was on it
and we were
bobby kelly
i think it was his gig that he booked we were so
green and years
later i finally figured it out
they gave us this
microphone it was a lapel mic
so we had to go up and do
comedy with
just like a lapel on like we were doing letterman
but we were so
green we didn’t know that you clipped it on through all
standing there holding
i swear to god
holding a lapel mic i remember
patrice he’s like fucking six five
hold it because i remember
that’s why del benny
al del benny
was hosting is like what the fuck is up with this mic
he’s like this is the
smallest mic ever look i’ll put it my head in his mouth
and we’re all
laughing at them like yeah
what a half assed fucking gig and we were so stupid
that we didn’t
understand what it was and like he would let
it al would
bring me up and
then hand me the mic like a teacup with his pinkies out
picky out and i
would just be like hey keep it going
yeah my dad was
he was pretty nuts growing up with like
three fingers up in the air holding this
thing have you done
stand up on a talk show with a lapel mic
yeah i actually really like it do you
yeah you ever
thought about
going bobby
brown style on
stage y’all
ready for this i know
chris titus does that
titus wears like a headgear thing
i don’t like that i don’t like jackets and i don’t like
i don’t like the head
i don’t know how you do comedy
with a jacket on i don’t mind it if it’s cold
if it’s cold i wear a jacket i
can wear a zip
up i can wear a zip up but the
sport coat it just
doesn’t move with the
shirt i wore a
sport coat the
first time i went on
stage because i thought that’s how you supposed to
dress out of
sport coat with the
sleeves rolled up like
this i was talking
about that miami
vice t shirt a
wacky t shirt t
shirt with like a
silly smile on it
i thought that’s how
in a pin i had like a button or something on my fucking
sports coat did you guys see chris rock on lino the
other day just owning
oh that was so
great what happened
buddy just fucking with it
like jay what you doing here
last time i was here is a dude with red hair
and then he
started saying that
kevin the man guy
you got a cheaper brother and
the guys like man that’s cold because he’s he’s pretty
funny he attacked
he attacked it’s uncomfortable
he kept on going into
like you can tell jay when you like
something else
that is one of the most amazing
things i’ve ever seen
what is how he got that show back
yeah it’s crazy
i don’t i don’t disagree with him though look you know
everybody puts it this way look
the guy was on top he was fucking number one number one
and they come
along and say we’re
gonna lose you or
we’re gonna lose conan
unless we give him the
tonight show so we want to give him the tonight show
and he’s like what fucking really you’re
gonna take my gang away from me
and so he goes okay all right i’m
under duress
offers to give up the gig in five years see that
thing but he’s number one i don’t
think it’s under
arrest he was number brilliant
i think he’s
brilliant but he was number one so he gets kicked off
they put this
new guy and the new guy is bombing he’s eating dick
okay that’s what no one wants to talk about
conan o’brien
on the tonight show wasn’t that good yeah but you
know that’s bullshit
because leto’s doing the
exact same ratings right now
as conan was
on a time out
no no we’re
gonna go back to that
dropped substantially
it dropped substantially from
where it was before
from where it was when lenno was hosting it to work
at the ratings in
i can refuse
conan hold on a
second they fucked conan
by not letting him do any of his
couldn’t do the masturbating bear
couldn’t do all these
different sketches
couldn’t do
triumph the
insult dog couldn’t do any of that shit
because it’s
an 11 o’clock show they fucked up if when jay
leno got the tonight show
if he had to
follow johnny carson bombing for an hour you’re totally
right about that i mean
that was the
worst decision ever but that’s like if a comedian
bombs in front of you
for a half hour
in front of you i mean you gotta
spend not only that you gotta
jack the tonight
show because the tonight show was always the
late night show
where guys would go on and all the
guests would go on
and it would
be like an important spot well the 10 o’clock spot
became just as important
so he was like they were like siphoning off
guests like
you know you couldn’t have a guy who’s
promoting you know mel gibson goes on
jay leno show and then goes on tonight show as well
no you’re only
gonna have one or the other
like tv is all
about the landing
for guests so the brilliance of it
was j bombing
actually fucked conan
they gave conan
we had the show for like six months
right before they were
started going like all
right let’s get this guy out and he got it back now
i think i think taking i
think it was a brilliant
away from it i
think it was a brilliant
brilliant the way jay
played it was
absolutely brilliant i don’t
think and bombed
on purpose no no i’m not saying
bond on purpose but the way he played it like yeah
yeah sure i’ll do it and then the fucking 12th hour
yeah i’m gonna leave but
i’m not retiring and then they
freak the fuck out
so like he now i don’t
at least how we look at it like i
understand jay being like look i the number
one show what are you kicking me off for he’s totally
right about that
but i also i don’t look at conan like he failed like
conan got fucked conan
got fucked yes he got fucked because i completely
agree but what i’m saying is
you got to realize that jay
leno had the
number one spot he was number one in the late
night wars before
they gave it to conan
so why would he
give a fuck if they gave the show to conan
offered it back to him why
would he not take it
conan took it
from him i don’t you know but everybody’s making out
like jay is this asshole for taking conan’s job like
wait conan took his job
conan’s not a he’s not a poor man he’s a rich man
like we’re really
worried about
but what’s fucked up
about is conan keeps saying don’t feel bad for me
he made he made a
great little
said a great little
thing on his last episode he said don’t be cynical
you know blah blah
i hate people
who are cynically said this really positive
thing don’t feel bad
for me played fucking free bird with the band
went out like a man and that was it he’s
never bitched
about it already that type
of shit dude they gave him
forty fucking million dollars
i think that
would suit smooth
things over a
bit see no matter
what kona does he’s an asshole i don’t
think he’s an
asshole and
he also and
he also gave
a lot of that
money he gave a lot of that
money out to people he worked with i
know they wanted to fucking move back
felt bad those guys yes the only
thing that i find annoying
about jay leno
is acting as though
he he isn’t
a shrewd businessman that
whole i mean i
think i’m going to yes
he does do that
but if that’s how he
wants to portray himself
that’s fine that’s the but i’m saying that’s the only
thing that fucking
annoys about the
whole thing i don’t know the only
thing that annoyed me was when everybody’s
making a big deal like jay’s taking conan’s job
but conan took jay’s job
and jay took johnny’s job he
fucking forced him out did he really yeah i don’t know
about that how did
he force him out
ah that fucking book i read
i read the late shift
and a fucking book i read
the fucking late shift book
i read hilarious how much people pay attention to
these late night wars no but this this the
thing though
if if jay only got
first of all
jay without johnny bombing in
front of him
going on if they like fucking er
and seinfeld and all
those hit shows dude
it still took him eighteen months
remember letterman was kicking the shit out of yes
until you got hugh grant on
it took him
18 months you know
you know it’s
really funny
about to give
him only six fucking
months and he’s got to follow the previous host
eating his balls for a half hour in
front of him
it was it was bullshit
they should
have ridiculous idea it was a
ridiculous idea they were just afraid to let conan go
and conan was like look i want the fucking tonight show
and they didn’t want to give it to him
to go back and forth and so they give it to him to give
they thought that jay’s numbers were gonna drop
yeah in five years they’re like alright he’s
gonna be pushing 60
who’s gonna want to watch this
now that’s the
dumbest thing ever a guy’s gonna what
johnny carson got better as he got older
that’s ridiculous
this is what i
think i think conan is
gonna be way better off
on a network that
just lets him do whatever the fuck he wants i think
tbs is gonna
own great show
dude he owns that show
it’s gonna be so much he’s brilliant
and you know
when conan is at his best
when you get to see how
funny it is like you ever see that one
sketch they did
about baseball
a bunch of people who play baseball like 1800s baseball
they have like a
they wear vintage
clothes they make
their own oh yeah
yeah i saw this fucking
genius hilarious
cause he just goes balls out it’s just him you know
it’s just him being funny
if you think
i guarantee
you they fucked with them too much when they
switched him over to 11 o’clock they probably cut
all the meat and anything controversial
out of his monologues or out of his sketches
they probably stopped him from doing a lot of shit
yeah and he
said when he left don’t feel bad for me and people are
still saying that he’s uh
he’s whining
which i don’t get i mean he did he did jokes
about it in his
model up what the fuck he’s supposed to do
now is just
sitting there talking about
maybe you’re
gonna get replaced you’re
supposed to go out there and be like hey do you see the
earthquake in
haiti it was
funny when they
had a car i
think it was a bugatti
a million dollar car and they played the rolling
stones get no satisfaction
and there was a
sketch just to
spend money
oh yeah i saw that yeah
which i’m sure is bullshit it is
but it’s still pretty
funny it’s pretty
funny that he did it like that
speaking of that i was
watching one of
those car auctions the other
yesterday and i’m just sitting there looking at all
these awesome old cars that i would love
to own and as the price kept
going up and up and up on some fucking like ferrari
it just was just i
started to resent the people in the
crowd like are
these the bankers
is this what they did with the trillion
who the fuck has the money
they think there was some
if you can bring
it up for your listeners there’s a fucking car in 1958
that bmw made
it was designed by a guy
who actually was in refrigerating or whatever
literally the
front of the car
fucking opens up like a refrigerator you walk out the
front and there’s one back door
it’s like a mini car
be a 1950 i
think it’s a bmw 600 or 300
nineteenth there it is bring that
thing up okay what the fuck it’s a hunk of shit
it’s the i said
i s e t t a nineteen
fifty oh i’ve seen that before i seen
a little mini yeah
it looks just like it
there’s one in
this european
car magazine
spent around so we can see so basically
it’s got one wiper in the front it’s
a five year old
could get license to
drive the thing so this guy paid like eleven
grand for he’s like you know i’m hoping to get thirty
thirty five
thirty five
i got forty fucking
thing went for sixty seven five
sixty seven thousand dollars for that
sixty seven thousand
five hundred dollars
for that hunk of shit guys like jay leno
close car collector dudes they like to have like
old cars like rare old cars yeah i don’t mind
j’s money’s clean
he didn’t stand up he’s doing that i’m talking
about these other fucking guys it’s like you’re not
famous know who’s in the audience
where they got their money
from dude what do they all invented playstation maybe
they own farms they fucking they sell lcd
electronics who knows
that’s what i’m saying
what are these fucking bankers spend all that
money on dude they took a trillion dollars
where did it go
they’re at the fucking car auctions the amazing
thing about that whole banker
thing the whole bailout was that those guys
still wanted bonuses
they still wanted bonuses even though
their bank failed and the government had to give them
billions of dollars they like let’s
be honest they got the fucking
houses they got
the bailout
money they kept it
then they’re fucking guys like me
twenty eight
bucks a month a records only go back four months
and they kept the
money and they got the fucking
houses back to do it
again they’re
gonna do it
again cunts
sweating they should get the
death penalty
you touch a kid you fuck with an animal
or you make
old people eat dog food for the last fifteen years of
their life when they thought they were
gonna live in
their houseboat of
their dreams
you should be fucking murdered
publicly bernie made off dead
screw him bernie made off as a
he’s a lightweight fucked
over like billion that’s nothing
but it was the only fucked over six people
these guys fucked over a
whole country
it’s six look
it up it’s on wikipedia
now bernie made up bernie made up is the sacrificial
and that guy
should be killed too
but he was the guy like the
funny thing is is
people look at bernie made off and they look like like
they well they took down one of the bankers
right he’s not a banker
he was like a fucking an investment banker yeah
don’t know what i’m talking about
he was like one of
those private guys
like joe i know what to do with your fucking money yes
he didn’t have like an atm that you
could use he
was one of those guys the
smith barney guys
right he fucked a lot of employees i’m stupid
well he fucked a
bunch of people that
should have
known better
you know there
was a lot of people that were in the business
that’s how when i just like that i always thought
fucked of the rich people
yeah we fucked up most rich but he fucked also a
bunch of like
different jewish
groups that had
charities he fucked charities over
he fucked a lot of people over
but he was he was fucking over people that were in
the whole the the
the industry the financial industry
so they should have
known what he was doing was fucked up and they
still were but look at the returns
and so they just dove in
even though like none of it made
sense there
was people that were calling for an investigation into
his firm like years and years ago and they
ignored it they just kept going
the guy was the fucking
head of the fcc at one
point in time
or what is it
the new york stock
exchange what was he the head of
nasdaq was it nasdaq he was the head of
i don’t know i
think he was the head of nasdaq and
not fcc he’s the head of nasdaq
and this fucking guy goes on to be the biggest ponzi
scheme mastermind
in the history of the country
that’s pretty incredible a guy that
worked in the system
he must have known
that it’s impossible to figure it out
i never paid attention like i look at the
stock market i see all
those numbers
going back and forth
and i was like what
the fuck is all that what does that even mean you know
somebody knows
the crap table
you know it
seems like it’s all bullshit but look obviously
there’s this alan
greenspan guy seems very bright he’s got
everything under wraps someone knows
until this whole
financial collapse came
along and this bernie maidoff
thing came along i was like oh
they don’t even know
nobody even knows
nobody knows how this
thing works
no it’s a it’s a it’s a belief
system that’s
crazy you at
you have to believe
that it work i
started reading it’s a
i started reading up on it
and i started
you know as i always do i read a little bit and then i
start pontificating
and then two follow up questions and my
whole argument falls on the ground
but after reading
a little bit more i read that book the case
against the fed
and i stopped talking to people
about it because
it’s like if i really
start informing people and everybody knows this
whole thing is
gonna fucking collapse so
i just became part of the line
so now i’m play doh yeah
no that’s all
points that i like
like people
gonna put your
money in the bank it’s safe
that it’s insured
up to 200 really and she
gonna go with insurance companies
the only people
fucking more corrupt
yeah it’s insured
until it isn’t the craziest
thing is when you go to new york and times square
you see that one
building that has the national debt
and how it’s accumulating
and it’s just
spinning just
they had to add an
extra fucking zero to it recently
oh yeah no they coming around they had
like we hit a point
the legal amount of debt were allowed to have
so we didn’t know what the fuck to do so they had a
quick meeting and then they just doubled it
just double like
there you go
okay so now it’s not a problem
we’re only halfway
there now so
uh yeah dude i can
admit like this there’s a lot of terrifying
things about living
out here in
los angeles living in a city that is in a bankrupt
state with the
you know doesn’t really have a
water supply technically
you live in a fucking desert
yeah the property is like
really overrun
and all that crazy
drug cartel shit i mean is
geographically it’s
right down the fucking
street two hours
drive it’s like if you’re living in afghanistan
and the war is two hours away
he’d be like wow we’re pretty
close to this shit
you know saying
if we could
take a road trip you want to go to war today
yeah literally
especially when you’re in san diego
whenever i’m down in san
diego you’re fucking half an hour from
tianana it’s unsettling and those
those you know something this something i wish it was
a mexican comedian here
right now i really
wish it was because this is called willy barcenos
this one i’ve always wondered
is why they got so offended by that sign
that has the running mexicans
the running
family across the
street right
why is that offensive
we don’t want to run over you people
are embarrassed because they’re embarrassed by the idea
that mexicans have to get into this country that way
and oh i get it it’s embarrassing
and it’s not realistic because there’s only
three people in the field
it’s embarrassing
the whole idea
about mexico being that close
you know it’s got to be embarrassing there’s no
other place in the world that i know of where there’s a
first world country connected to a
third world country you know
yeah what the
fuck is the solution see if you open the borders
and you let people go
everywhere that they like i said
this is not
gonna last take
this this this
standard of living that we have in america it
wouldn’t be the same if we had open borders and anybody
could just emigrate
to america it
would get fucked
quick yeah you
gotta have the gated community uh
well that’s what the united
states is it’s
like a big fucking gated community well i don’t
think you should just be able to walk can i
like we get a lot of shit for that i mean can i just
can you just walk into france
someplace some
countries you
can pretty much
go anywhere you want to if you wanted to
you know what i’m saying legally can i just
can i just start
living in france
i don’t know i
think you go there
i know i can go there and
visit and get fucking
do i can actually that’s one of my
things i really want to do is i wanna
i would love to become fluent
and be able to
speak french
and then go over there and act
as the ignorant american just to
hear the shit that they’re saying and just act as dumb
as i possibly
my ex hey where’s the eiffel tower
ain’t that big mona lisa sitting there all
my ex big fucking whoop
blonde hair my ex just
blonde hair girl but
could speak
spanish so it was
great like she
would have her own fun just
going in you know and
listening to people talk
about her when she walked by and
stuff but she
they must talk
did she ever
bust them huh
oh non stop she
would bust them
all the time like we’d be waiting online
at el po loco and they
would say like look at that chicks
tits or something like that
she’d be like what the fuck are you talking
about but like
you know back in spanish or she was giving her
her phone number i don’t know yeah
if you hear like cinco
say yeah cinco cinco
says zero gordo
i got the rosetta
stone spanish
speaking one you want to
learn spanish yeah
dude i got it in
christmas 08
right how many
practice on the box plastic
still on it
it’s like an olympic
like for me it’s like
those fucking
mavis baking
learned how to type
i buy those fucking things
every couple years ago
they got a new
learn how to type program eventually i’m
gonna learn how to type
i type quick but i use fucking
three fingers
i use like these two and this one and i’ll go
every now and then i’ll throw this
motherfucker in the mix
maybe three fingers in this hand and i
would kind of move to two on this hand
so i don’t use
the whole a burn victim
i type like i’ve had my hand smashed with hammers
but i always say i’m
gonna eventually get that fucking
mavis bacon i’m
gonna get on it
dude you’ll be like
i’m really surprised at some of the shit that i finally
like the only
thing i ever worked on was being a comedian
cause i thought it was gonna
solve all my problems people
gonna see me on
stage he’s funny and everybody’s
gonna stop fucking with me
and everything was
gonna work out and then what
ended up happened was the only
thing i was remotely decent at was being a comedian so
i finally learned how to
start fixing shit
like what kind of shit
did i fix my toilet
in new york i got a tenant
back there and he was bitching
about something
we got this fucking
awful landlord
he always comes in i
swear to god with like used parts from
other other
apartments and they
never work so i just looked in the back
i was just picturing how dumb he looks
yet he knows how to do it
so i just i don’t know what i did i went on youtube i
watched a couple of
videos it’s a toilet it’s basic
and i just sort of figured shit out and i listened
i flushed it i looked
and i figured out what the father flapper
it’s a fuckin 8 dollar flapper
and then i got it and i
was like ah fuck how does this go in he just like just
it’s almost like when i got better at computers
where i stopped
freaking out and i just was
like just stop
take in information
process it and
think that’s what i edited
fucking two
second i wish
i had the time the patience and the interest to
build my own car
i would love i love to get one of
those kids corvette like a 67
the people who can do that the body’s good i’m fucking
toss at 350 i wish
fucking bondo it
remember that boy
of the mask
the old jeep
kits remember the old jeep kit so you
could buy a kit and
build your own
army jeep remember it was like a thousand
bucks or something
like this they
still have kit kat yes
and you can take a kit car like a noble
i remember they used to sell the
noble in america but you couldn’t buy it with a
powertrain you couldn’t buy
with an engine you had to put your own engine your own
powertrain in it so it’s
basically like a
do it yourself fucking car
i knew a guy
who had a friend in this
state i used to live in
i’m not gonna say where but
back in the day the jeep cj 7
they basically kept
the same chassis
body all that shit for like fucking fifteen years
so he had some old
piece of shit one so he did
was he went out
and he stole a
brand new one
and just parked him side by side in his garage
just took apart the new one and put all the new
so all the numbers
still match
wherever the numbers are supposed to be like on the
frame and all that
everything matched
and he just he did like a
like plastic surgery
and he just took all the new shit that he needed
i think he had to keep his engine block and
and there was the
frame or something like gearheads
would know what he
would have to do so
what did he do with the the rest of the
stuff then he
just took like he had like a weld he’s like a welding
thing and he just sort of cut it into
pieces and would just sort of
remember the
great escape when they
would just the
bottom of their
pants yeah they
would just sort
of dump shit here or there if you just have
a piece of a
frame they’re not
gonna give a fuck or
you don’t even know what it is how do you prove it
yeah i mean
i didn’t really i mean
i don’t have the mechanical
know how to say
exactly what he did but i said what did he do with the
extra shit and that was
basically it he cut it down into
smaller pieces
you can’t fucking
build a car
today like you can’t
build a new
2011 shelby mustang convertible you can’t build it
you know computer
chip but with your computer
and there’s so much shit
going on it’s like
it’s so complicated
you know it’s not like the old days
you know if you if you in the old days
if your fucking engine blew
you could replace your engine
you know all you need is like a
crane and a
buddy who knew what
the fuck he was doing and yeah you know but it was also
much more like my
first card i had i had a ford ranger and i actually
learned if i wanted to go i just didn’t
have the balls to do it because i didn’t have a friend
who could fix the problem
you know what i mean
so i had to keep it very like i was like a hygienist
but like working on fucking
car like you know
you learned you know
changing the oil is the
first thing then you
learn how to change the belts
then you start doing the
spark plugs then you get the timing
light and i got
right to the fucking
point where i was
gonna start fucking with
i don’t know what
trying to do like the pistons and shit and maybe i’ll
i’ll try to get some more
horsepower in this and i
was just like bill it’s a fucking ford ranger two wheel
drive what are you a douchebag
just be happy
just be happy that it’s running
i changed my oil
once and i dumped it into the sewer
i dumped it into one of
those you know those days
was the 80s it was legal
i didn’t even
think i was you know
17 years old i was retarded
and as i’m dumping in this guy walks by
goes yeah that’s a good
place for that
and i thought yeah it was a good place
and i thought
about oh he’s making fun of me
i’m like oh my god i’m a douchebag god why did i
think it was okay to pour the oil in this fucking drain
and then i thought
that fucks with me
today really
still still i think
about it sometimes
i think about sometimes that i poured oil
into the drain like a retard
and that this guy came by and go yeah that’s a good
place for that
and then i was so dumb i was like yeah it is a good
place for it
right it fucks you because you’re
running the environment or because he made you look
stupid because i was a retard not
cause he name you look
stupid i was
stupid he probably
thinks the same
thing like that asshole
i can’t probably
still he’s probably dead that old fuck
it was a long time ago
i like how you are uninformed
because you are uninformed he becomes an old fuck
an old fuck you you
piece of shit makes it funnier
there’s so many
weird things like that
that gentleman he’s probably passed away
there’s so many
weird things like that
that you’re not allowed to dispose of like that like
things like monitor
water man it gets into the
ocean but like the crazy
thing there’s oil
that the oil that i put
in is nothing compared to what’s on the fucking road
every day i mean
everybody’s leaking oil you’re driving up and down the
street it rains goes in the gutter and
goes right in the
ocean justify
it anyway you have to oh i don’t justify it i told you
i’m ashamed
to this day
one time i was fishing i used
to dump it in the woods
really has taken i didn’t know it
i didn’t i didn’t
know as bad as i did
i didn’t know
i didn’t know that you
weren’t supposed to do that and then
but then i figured out they had this
place down the
street near the fire department they had this big
i don’t know it was this
giant thing that you just dumped your oil in right
back in the day when there wasn’t computer
chips and it was easy
i was in the
charles river fishing once
and it was right across the
street from my
house where i
lived in boston and i saw this bubbling in the
water i couldn’t figure out what the fuck it was
i was looking i was like something’s like bubbling like
water’s coming up this kind of crazy
and then i saw a rubber
and then i realized
that what i was looking at was shit some of it was shit
there was a broken
sewer pipe that was pouring directly into the river
so every time people
flush their toilet shit and pens and
rubbers and tampons
were just floating
in this fucking river
disgusting unfinished
medicine oh so
nasty and i went a little bit further down there was a
waterfall at the bottom of the
waterfall there was foam
there was so much chemicals in the
water that it made like a thick
white and yellow foam
at the bottom of the water yep
there you go
that’s boston you know what’s
worse is like
baby diapers in parking lots of like target the
other day was that and there was fucking just
these little squares
where they like
changed the diaper and
they were like
put it on the ground stuff
i got out and stepped
right on it it was just
like it’s just like
everywhere i see it all
the time now that was just
suburban landmine
i apologize for that
that’s a big
thing to do i
guess you don’t want to keep it in your car
while you drive home
my car always has diapers in it
my wife takes
these diapers wraps them up in
these little bombs and
leaves them there
and i hop in my car limb
my other car
smells like shit
and i find these little
diaper bombs everywhere
little piss
bombs they’re
everywhere they’re
all in my fucking house
that newborn smell
it’s not that bad my two year old has some pretty
stinky poops but
you know at this
point the kids
probably gone to like fucking mcdonald’s no
starting to
screw up the
colon eat them
no i don’t serve them
shitty food fuck that she gets
she gets fries and
stuff occasionally and ice
cream occasionally
but for the most part she eats healthy
you know if you get them into eating
shitty food or
get make shitty food a big deal
make it exciting you know make it something special
now that’s why mcdonald’s is a fucking
playground you
drive by mcdonald’s
she sees these bright
colors and tubes and
slides and shit
they just want to go
in there but the food’s fucked up if i ever have kids
i want to feed them shit food make them fat so i can
feel better about them
about myself you know
she’s the first person i’ve ever seen feed
their kid octopus
i was like whoa
octopus that’s
ridiculous she
enjoys it she
asked for octopus
and people like your fucking kids asking for
octopus yeah i can’t that’s too fishy
too chewy that’s i ever
eat octopus sushi
yeah i’ve tried
my delicious
yeah love it now
dude that’s
that’s one like
the the hardcore japanese guys giving you
the fucking heads up like you know what you’re doing
like the grosser it is
that means you’re really the
nasty shit i
eat sea urchin that’s my
other favorite
dude i’m the
classic american
sushi i’m like yeah let me get a yellowtail hand roll
spicy california roll
yeah tuna fish tuna roll
i keep it real put salmon
salmon avocado i keep it really me too
that’s even like eel
eel roll i like
but it’s just kind of there’s just something to
like tuna i just
i don’t have any sort of
guilt when i eat that even though they’re
dying off but eel
just seems like an unnecessary one to
to eat really you
know the sauce
i don’t like you because of the sauce
i only like
sushi that you don’t need
sauce for i like look yellowtail
tuna that kind of shit
how how bad are the tuna
going extinct is that like a big deal
i don’t know
going extinct
because there’s too many fucking people and we keep
the problem is is they make too much
money off of us like we’re not like
we’re not people
where these
things they make
money off of so they need as much of us around
against that you know what is that
all the animals are
gonna come back when the
robots when the
robots take over
just be like i am
legend deer run into the streets of manhattan
that kind of shit
i don’t think it’ll be that bad
because they’ll keep manhattan but it’ll
definitely be like in jersey jersey will all grow over
i went to colorado
really useless i went to
colorado and i was living there for four
months and when i came back
a deer had decided to make my backyard home in la
it’s right out here
and every day this deer
would be wandering through my yard
chewing grass
and they just decided that
since nobody was here there’s no
noise they just
started moving in
as soon as i
moved back in she stopped coming around
but she could
literally that fence is six feet high and it’s fucking
of wrought iron she would jump
right over oh yeah
it’s gotta be
eight feet i got a
buddy of mine has a problem with that so he’s got this
eight foot my cheek
you’re really
not that neighborly saying no dude i got a kid and then
the deer come in yeah they really do they hop
right over a six foot fence it’s incredible to
watch it it’s like
i just fly through the air
but they were moving in they were
ready to take over
you got a gun
range out here
i got a fake pig that i
shoot arrows into
can we do that
after the podcast
fuck yes can you
teach me how to do that shit yeah you
wanna shoot
arrows yeah
i’m learning how to
couple of you know i’m
doing right i’m
learning how to pick a lock
on yeah i’m
gonna be one of those
urban survivor guys whenever
you like a thousand degrees in this
really is i’m
gonna turn on the i just i
just i just talk to
these people i turn on the ac
all right i’m
learning how to pick a lock
on youtube i’m trying to
learn how to hotwire a car youtube’s
great for that shit yeah you can fuck dude i’ve
taught myself how to play guitar
how to play drums uh
i’ve watched people get
knocked out get kicked
in the balls hide a camera into the toilet paper roll
thing on side of the in the bathroom i
found out how
to do that oh yeah you can become a real fucking
creep on youtube
at all that’s what i love
about the internet
you really can just become the person
yeah that you if you feel like you know
i wanna be uh
red you can go to wikipedia
right and see what
morons think
about the subject that you want to learn
about or if
you want to add a little creepy shit to your to your
to your personality you can do that i want to
learn how to pick a fucking luck
just so i can do it
because i only know the credit card technique
where you slide it in and that
never works
you know where you especially
now they were
showing i was
watching somebody like
first you have to know like how a lock works
like what it is in there
and this person
literally like the little clip on
thing from the pen
they’d somehow
jam that in there and then take like a hairpin
i’m so full of shit i
haven’t learned i
watched somebody do it and i
wanna try it that’s
basically it but the overhead is i have to buy a lock
so i haven’t
quite committed to it you know what
i’m gonna buy the lock
and it’s gonna sit
right on top of my fucking
learn how to
speak spanish
i figure if i’m
breaking into a lock i
might as well
kick the door in
yeah but i don’t have your martial art
training just
learn to kick a bag
you know it’s not
gonna move or hit you back
it’s not hard to kick a door
right doors are easy that’s why it’s
funny when you see a guy like on
those fucking
those uh like
videos of cops
breaking the doors and the guy like
especially the old
school ones from the sixties
the guys kicking
the door over and over you can’t get it to break
doors are what
all doors are easy
how come he’s not able to do it because he’s a faggot
well there you go
i never understood why they own just
go for the window
there is something about yeah
literally he likes sex with the same
where’s is that my
water yours
this is empty
there’s one behind your
that last time mine was
right there
you don’t wanna take
a chance you’re the one who busted out the fake asshole
amended into this podcast
well i don’t mean when i say faggot i don’t mean faggot
like i was in a game man you mean
pussy i mean yeah
that’s one of my
words i will
not give up no matter how much people give me shit
about you know
now louis ck’s got that big
chunk on it i have
a problem with that that word to me
is not a gay slur
you know it really drives me
crazy when they’re saying you can’t say gay
but you can’t say that’s gay like
it’s offensive or
insensitive means lame
well didn’t it always mean joyful
and beginning it made
you know like have a gay old time
happy it means happy man
happy gay nineties
the eighteen
nineties yeah words
change homosexual
and why can’t they accept
that it also means lame
because certain
groups own words what if you
spell it g h e y
gays own gay jewish people own holocaust
you know that whole
thing actually do is dope
will you want
and why open
the show exquisite
were you on the only
show when jeffries was talking about his
oh yeah yeah yeah
ridiculous is that
he wanted that jim jeffrey’s
hilarious comedian wanted to name his dvd
alcoholic cost
and apparently it offended a
bunch of jewish people they got
super upset
i think it offended
the ones who are in the group
i think generally
speaking most people don’t give a shit
yeah i don’t know
about that i
would say that a lot of people who are jewish
would probably have a problem with that
people are very very sensitive to that
you know they don’t want you
cracking jokes on something that fucked up
their whole you know well yeah well
he explained it and he didn’t even need to explain it
i get it i didn’t
think he was
making fun of jewish people he was saying like he’s
drinking so much
that he’s a
holocaust he’s having a holocaust of alcohol
you can’t own a word i mean just calling something
a hol look they need another word for what happened
to the jews in nazi germany it’s a horrible horrible
thing and it is a holocaust
but it’s not the only holocaust you can’t
own that word now you can’t yeah they
treat it like
the ohio state university
like it’s trademark
the holocaust
like it’s trademark
it’s a word to describe anything that’s atrocious
anything that’s
horrible i mean that’s really what it is
it’s a word to describe as
usual terrible disaster i’ve
never looked it up i don’t know what it means
well let’s look up the official term
of holocaust brian
tell us what it is
i i just look up a
and then look up the
i mean look
it was clear
it’s not that he’s making
light of this horrible situation
that that has happened it was a play on words
but then he did make
light then he fucked up and said
they should get over it was
his fucking 60 years ago fucking get over it
yeah i thought with the accent he’d get away with it
cause it sounded cheeky
australia is
the shit have you ever done comedy over there
uh yeah i did but it was a typical
thing where it was like
it was a three day thing
where they flew you over for
one day they gave you a day to get fucking used to it
and then you did the gig
and then they flew you back i
stuck around for a couple days
that’s kind of how i was in
sydney i was only in
sydney for a couple days but i
did a gig up there i wanted to
see all those fucking
snakes over there
we saw the kangaroos you know
those kangaroos that kill people all the time
there’s these big
giant fucking kangaroos called gray kangaroos
and they tell
you if you run into gray kangaroos you better
leave just get the fuck away from they’re
super aggressive
and they’re really big
they like the fucking
three hundred what am i doing they
like and they
kick you in the stomach and fucking gore you bugs bunny
they lean back on
their tail they do that
they do lean back on
their tail and attack you but
they have claws man they’ll rip your fucking stomach
apart they’ll fuck you up when they get inside i’ve
watched enough
ufc that fucking
elbow you got a clinch
it’s the most important
thing gotta get that clinch
you got a no
space between
you and you
gotta take the
kangaroo to the ground they’re they got a
great stand up
then i bounce
right back to
their feet bro don’t even try but
they’re fucking
their fucking arms are too
small to grapple
if you got the
under hooks you
gotta get the
under hooks
but you got to go
randy couture
style we just
press them up
against a tree and work them over with knees
hey does racking balls work on animals
racking balls yeah like if you rack
a dog’s balls
they like go oh
at all are we the only ones i think
it hurts them but i
think when an animal gets into that
state where they’re attacking and trying to kill you
they don’t think
about pain the way people do
you know i’ve seen dogs
fight with each other
and they’re wagging
their tail like
happy meanwhile they’re ripping each
other’s faces apart
especially pit bulls
you know pit bulls
they don’t seem to
experience any pain when they
fight they seem to just do it and then
think about the pain
later like they
block it out somehow
i would not
count on kicking a dog in the balls
if a dog is attacking you
your best move is to choke it
unconscious i wonder if there’s
videos of monkeys getting racked
you know monkeys i’m sure it would suck
they know they know it
sucks because when they attack people and chimps
attack people they go for your balls
it’s one of the number one
things they do they try to eat your genitalia
they rip your balls off and actually
twist your foot off to
yeah take your
fingers off it
they bite people’s fingers off
they go for your balls they try to
blind you they try to take away
everything that makes you
human all your valuable assets
your ability to control
things your ability to use your dick
i fucking i fucking i hate
monkeys really
i just something
about him i don’t like
him chimps are
scary as fuck
i don’t mind chimps i don’t mind gorillas but
those little fucking
throwing shit at you
spider monkeys i just don’t fucking
i think it’s from indiana
jones because that
monkey was a dick and ever
since then i’ve hated
small monkeys they’re always dicks
organ grinder guy from back when i was a kid down in
fannua hall
they were always at
granted they had to wear that
stupid bellboy outfit so they probably
weren’t in a good mood but
they were always creepy
yeah i grew up with a
monkey no not my
monkey monkey my
monkey your
grandmother had a
monkey my grandmother had a
monkey named chee chee
and chee chee
lived in the attic
and you couldn’t
have chee chee
around people
cause chee chee
would bite you
whoa chee chee would
chew gum she
would give chee chee
gum and he would
unwrap the gum put in his
mouth but he only liked my
grandmother didn’t
trust anybody else
and if anybody got near him chee chee
would attack you
yeah but when i was in costa rica
i had a monkey
my grandmother was fucking
crazy crazy a
monkey jumped on my back
it was like the
monkey that they had in the area okay
in the compound
where i was staying jumped on my back
hooked its tail around my neck
and so now it’s
hanging it’s inverted hanging upside down went
right in my pocket took my hotel keys
and then went up the tree in like two
seconds and i’m always
standing there like
did that just fucking happen are you serious
now i’m sitting there
and i got some fucking i don’t know some sort
of costa rican kiwi
trying to get this fucking
monkey to come down i forget it
i remember i fucking my
human brain
outdid his monkey brain
and i got it back
and i and i did a
quick switcheroo and i ran
because it was on a
chain and i was able to just get away and the
thing was so pissed as i was running away i just
heard go just fucking
screamed at
me pissed i was like get mad i was like yeah
there you go you fucker well that’s what happens in
india they steal
things from people
and then they want you
to give them food back you give them food and they give
you whatever you know whatever they took from you yeah
do they kill animals over
there they killed people
oh they’re in their
house the mayor
of one of the towns in
india got killed by
monkeys recently
like within the last couple of years
they fucking swarmed his ass just jacked them
what’s the monkeys with
the big puffy
that’s like the pip
tumors on india
the monkey problem
you know like the ones that have is a orangutan
that has the
weird crazy
things are crazy
how about baboons you look like a half a dog half
a monkey that’s a
weird animal baboons eat
babies too man
so do chimps
chimps will eat
babies if you leave
babies around and chimps see them they’ll eat them
yeah they’re
still not worse than bankers
have you ever seen the
video the chimp
eating the monkey
oh yeah yeah
finally realizing that
they do that and they also they sort of all talk shit
after they do it they feel like
start beating that
chest a very
they’re ruthless
i thought for the longest time it was orangutan
like the orange
drink no it’s tan
i still did
well that’s
the end of all
neanderthals not really neanderthals neanderthal
yeah you know it’s
named after a part in
part of france
that’s where they
found the first skeletons
they’ve been
saying recently that people are
most people
or a good percentage of people have neanderthal
genetics in them
and that we
somehow another absorb them
i do look at my forehead i got
frankenstein forehead dude my eyebrows
like look at that
ultimate doom
tell me i don’t have the same
brow it’s true it’s that fucking
thing yeah your
brow’s nothing
i want to show you my dentist my dentist is so
freaky i will
drive you over to
his office just to say hi just so you can see his head
really his fucking forehead what’s dennis man it’s it
sticks out like this far
like no bullshit it
doesn’t even
look real it looks like he’s wearing like oh
you like you putting
shit up bar
like you put a cling on
plate from fucking
star wars the next
generation and put it on his
head i mean it really looks like that he just got this
these deep’s
his eyes no bullshit are like that deep into his head
jesus my dentist is kind of
crazy my dentist is like that what’s that movie
people under the
stairs or whatever where
danny what’s i
should say this in case my dentist is listening he’s a
great guy look
i’m not fucking perfect either i look like a chimp
all right i’m not the best looking guy in the
world too late
those guys are all depressed
he’s a very nice
guy you probably already
hung up the he’s a very nice guy but he’s got a big
crazy forehead
that’s just a fact
i didn’t name any names
you know what’s funny
about that shit
with that big forehead i wonder if that affects
that light that they have on
their head if it’s like too far and it just
shines on the back of your head
it’s got adjusted yeah it’s too far in
he’s gotta point it like straight down
some people do they even use that or am i
thinking of minors
i think dennis probably use that shit too like
digging deep in your mouth it should right
yeah that’s a rough job
my dentist hypnotizes me there’s a part
where they check for cancer
i don’t know if your dentist do that where they go
okay so this is where you’re so and so glad
your dentist is
broke does your dentist stick his fingers in your mouth
no no but stick out and then you wake up
what happened
did you ever see that guy
that would feel girls that way put them
under yeah and they busted him
they busted this and what i love
about that guy is you could so tell
he never got arrested for anything in his life
and he just he just like
he just you saw it in his whole body
he was just like
okay like the girl was under right and
she kept waking up feeling like her
bra wasn’t right the way it
should have been
so they basically get her to go in there
again to go under and they
drilled in from like the cvs next door or some shit
and they got this camera so he
starts fucking
second he starts being
sitting he seems seem like yeah i have a
tits and he
has all this type of shit and then immediately all
these swat guys coming
and he goes
literally from that to
and my life’s over
and he just fucking
shoulder slumped
dragged out can you imagine
what happened to that guy in prison
he going in as a fucking sex offender dentist
who probably hasn’t had a
fight since the
third grade no gang affiliation
he would have to join one
who would take him
you gotta you
gotta be somebody’s
bitch the first
night yeah you
gotta suck some cock right away
you gotta put on a dress who
you think of some guys in prison like what the fuck is
gonna happen like bernie made off what’s what’s
going on with that guy in prison
they must be beating the fuck out
it’s white collar there probably
guys guys who were getting out he’s probably holding
court is he in a
white collar prison
absolutely he probably can get
fresh despite
the fact that his felonies were so
egregious that but
because they’re not violent
they’re not violent
they don’t give a shit so and he
and non violent
offenses they put them with
other non violent people
i don’t know how it works dude
i just know if you’re rich you don’t go to real jail
but he actually
fucked the problem was
was not how much
money he took
was i think who he took it from
and they had as much
influence if not more
as he did so he actually got life in prison
you think that
unusual i just pulled that on my ass i have no idea
no fucking idea you
think it’s unusual that
he got life in prison i mean what he did was i mean
fucking 50 billion dollars that’s
you got to put him in jail for life there’s no way he’s
gonna pay that back
i mean what
would be oh
did you see that
thing in rolling
stone this month
matt taibi’s article
it was the one
about those kids
that have the biggest like internet
cyberspace crime
ever yeah i
haven’t read that yet oh you
gotta read that yeah
make you super paranoid
about where you use your credit card
these guys would sit outside the mall
this is was this was their
their their
their hacky way they
first did it
would sit there in a car with like a fucking
eight foot to antenna
and they somehow tap in
to whatever that shit in the fucking air is
where you know that computer shit
the satellite
thing went back to that
and as you use the credit cards they
somehow they
would break into the
system or something i don’t what
the fuck i can’t even explain it i’m too fucking dumb
but it’s even even for a guy like me it was fascinating
so there was some sort of a wireless
of your credit card information you’re in there
buying a thermal okay all
right and you
swipe your card and as they’re putting it into the
system or as you
swipe it somehow
that tapped into this shit through the fucking air
it’s literally like
magic like all
those years of people pulling out
rabbits out of hats and it was all bullshit
these guys i
don’t know how the fuck they were doing it so they
would do that
and then they
were like are this is bullshit it’s too it’s too risky
they somehow then they took it to the next
level and they got into the main
database database
thank you i needed a word
i’ll go with that
the main database of like all the
macy’s or whatever and
people’s credit
numbers yeah they jacked him
yeah they got like like i don’t know i mean
what number of my
seven say fifty million credit cards
the banks are totally corrupt do you
think that the banks
would hack into people should on purpose
like hire people to hack into people shit
well this is what i
think about i don’t think
this is what i don’t like
it’s not my money
it’s their money
and they give
it to me and my job is to get in debt with
it and if i don’t then they just fucking take it for me
that’s basically what happens
right but i mean the hackers
i mean you think that
you think that
you know how like
the cia’s always been accused of selling drugs and the
the argument for it is
the bad guys
gonna sell drugs no matter what you do
the cia takes that
money and uses it for
covert operations to protect americans blah blah blah
the cia’s always
sold drugs and that’s just the way it is
do you think that the bankers
would get involved in hacker
activity just because they figured look someone’s
gonna do this
we’re gonna do this
at this point it
might be another they just look at
everything as revenue
streams yeah i don’t
think that they look at shit
well then we work because they
would be selfs they
would be sabotaging themselves
but this is my questions like i’m always looking at
these but i don’t think bank
i really don’t
think bankers are
above stealing now
of course not
about i always
look at these hacker situations
and i go okay you hear
about this fucking russian
teenager made 50 million dollars in a year
in his basement and then
he started an
empire blah blah blah and he was just a hacker
well if i’m reading
about this there’s
gotta be some people that are rich and
powerful and
recognize that 50 million dollars is some real
money and if this goofball kid
in his fucking basement is making that kind of money
there a way they can do that and i
think i mean
is there any of this shit
well i don’t
think i don’t think that
they have to hack into
their own system i
think that they do what
they they steal
from the the people who put
money us the customers they steal
through like fees
right well they
definitely do that too i
think they’re
gonna risk what they have for doing
hacker shit you know what i mean like if this guy’s
super rich he’s not
gonna risk everything he has
maybe not in america but
i bet in some other
countries are pulling some shit off
there’s something
about that shit though
where i find that
that type of shit is so fascinating
well you know you
learn how to pick
a lock the bullshit that i’m doing is no big deal but
those guys who can actually
you know hack their way
i tell you what’s even more interesting is that
if you go on
youtube there’s ways to show you how to get those
things that you put on atms at the gas pump
there’s videos showing how to do it like how
and where to buy them
where it’s like this
thing that fits
over the credit card slot at your gas pump
and there’s
like a little camera that you tape into the corner
so when you’re
using it outside
right now that’s why you
never use your fucking atm
card because that’s your
money they get that shit they get your money
they get you
be a fucking credit card
that’s city banks money
so then they’ll call you out and be like
did you buy a tank top in
kansas city no i did not
you ever get that you
would be on the road so much i used
to be on the road like they
would constantly be shutting my credit card off
and not realizing
that i was a comedian they be like did you get a lap
dance in toronto yes i did
you get chicken wings
two days later in st
louis yes i did
and they finally like what are you doing
comedian i’m on a college tour
yeah and you
should always you
should never do debit either you
should always do credit card you know
where they always try to
trick you in and like
put in your
pin and you’re
like no i’m not putting my pin
running as a credit card
don’t ever do that yeah
cause then it also protects your ship for 30 days too
yeah fuck that
fuck all that dude and they’re trying to make it
ca they’re gonna make it cashless
cash is to shit
yeah cash is we
gotta go back to one
to go one donkey
that’s what we gotta go
fucking bite
a piece of it off to get some potatoes
something it’s come
you got to get something for something your
money has to represent something the
problem is our money
doesn’t actually represent anything it’s just an idea
it’s just confidence we have
confidence that a hundred dollars is
worth a hundred dollars
but it doesn’t represent
like i don’t get
i don’t get
why can’t we
just keep that
confidence i’m alright with it fucking
dude i like your hall of fame of fucking
geese you have in there
that’s hilarious i’m looking into joe’s walk in
closet right now most people have like
fucking jerseys
from sports they never played that’s his dexter
trophies yeah he
still has like dried
blood from some kid he fucking hammer fisted
back in his revered
days those are all my taekwondo medals on the doorknob
that’s all shit from the 80s
dude that was one of my favorite from my other life
yeah that’s
one of my favorite fucking responses i was on his
i think was
your website way back in the day
and some kid was giving him shit
so joe you know
just blossom whatever you just a fucking loser
and then he
and the kid
writes oh what do you mean i’m a fucking
loser he goes i’m only 20 years old
blah blah blah
what were you
doing at 20 and joe’s like i was a national champion
in taekwondo
you fucking loser
you’re like one of the few guys it was actually a
success before they got into this shit
well i was but it
definitely wasn’t a financial
success that’s why
you weren’t doing a taekwondo
tour i was teaching i was
teaching at boston
university i was
teaching at bu
when i was 19
i taught at boston
university that’s not normal
that’s way above
most people well i was
banging half the
broads in your
class i banged if i fucked a few of them
i fucked one of them
one of them she was so hot and
she was just
i don’t want
to say her name but she was this really hot
latina chick
kelly chris and then i saw her
again like three years ago
and she wasn’t the type of girl to work out
she was just
the type of girl that you know when she was
young she was
19 when i was 19 she was just getting by on her looks
but now she’s like 41
and she doesn’t exercise and it was so sad
i mean she’s probably sad to see
me too i was a fucking handsome looking fellow when i
was young dude
you know you
see broken down man joe coming in at 19 to teach the
class he probably did that jean claude van damme
fucking split
between two desks
and that was it well
that was ran through the
whole class
from that year
from 15 until i was 21
i was literally
all i did was fight
all i did was train and
fight that’s all i did i didn’t have any social life
i had like a
girlfriend here and there they
would always get sick of me and
break up with me and whatever
but all i did was
train and fight i didn’t
party i didn’t drink
very rarely did i drink
i smoked pot twice
from like 15 to 21 that’s all i did was fight was
completely out of my head
and i went from that to from from
going to taekwondo
straight into
going to comedy
kickboxing i had a few
three kickboxing fights
and then i went
right into comedy because i knew i was
going nowhere
so there’s no
money in it was your opening like
stand up was it
about like no
no i never was it really intense was like hello
this is my comedy
no i tried to do
it you gotta talk
about your life no i
never talked about that
no one wants to
think that’s
some fucking guys on martial arts
champion that’s the
thing because he was actually good at it like this you
gotta be like low
self esteem
right you could say you know if you could say
i fought a talk window
tournament once and
i fought on
friday and when i finally woke up on tuesday
you know after
some guy yes
and now i’m
doing comedy yeah everybody
would like that you
can’t say that oh so
i fucking kicked this dude in the head and
knocked him into a coma that’s not
funny dude when i
started out though there was like you know because
all those headliners didn’t leave
we were like how
the fuck do you end up headlining we were
looking at the only guys who kind of busted through
was you and
anthony clark
with the two guys at the time who had actually somehow
gotten past the old boy network
yeah well they left
you know anthony was one of nicked apollo left too
they just left you know you had to
leave you can’t stay in boston it was so intoxicating
because you can make a living
you could be in boston and even if you were a nobody
you know you’re
still you could
grind out 500
bucks a week you
know you do here do here as long as you’re willing to
drive and travel
if you had 500
cash a week you
could pay for your bills you could eat
but if you wanted to try to go on the road man
good fucking luck
no tv credits no nothing
just some guy from boston how much are they
gonna pay you
but your fucking gas your airfare is
gonna eat up all your profits it’s fucking hard
what do you
think now cause i just went back
to boston have you been back there lately yeah yeah
sad there’s nothing
going on there now
what is the fucking the comedy
connection is a theater
now you know it’s that big wilbur theater
right comedy
connection used to be
150 seats that badass little room
and now it’s you know
no but they
reopened that
right up the
street the old charles street
playhouse yeah what’s it now
ah what’s another comedy club
i can’t remember
there’s a small one in fannoy
hall called motleys i did that is that tim
mckenzie’s place
i can’t remember i did i ran through all of them it was
80 it was like
it was like an 85 seater
i did dick dory’s comedy
vault when i put together my basically
polished up my
first five minutes
material ever so i always go down there
the vault and
oh yeah dude i fucking love that
place and this is the thing
hasn’t changed
it like i remember when that place
started this
is how fucking old i am now and now it’s they just like
celebrated i say
to mackenzie i’m sorry like
tim mcintyre
i think it started in 93
yeah what was a
yeah it was a year
and i really
son no no no
the vault dick
doherty’s comedy vault let
me tell you something that shit was around in the 80s
because in 88 when i was around the dick doherty comedy
vault was around
dick dart is
something at
remington’s yeah that fucking bank it’s like a bank
wow it’s a vault i thought i thought
spike tobin was the
first guy who
opened that shit up
might have reopened it
might have reopened it okay that’s
might have went
under and they brought it back but dick doddy’s comedy
vault was a staple back when i was living there and i
moved out of boston like ninety two
yeah you were gone before
right when i
started you were already gone
yeah where the fuck was i working at
i think it was
first time i saw i saw you at the kowloon
oh that place that was a good place
yeah chinese
food and comedy
still exists
chinese food and comedy is a
weird combination that
exists in boston like the biggest the most
famous historical comedy club in boston was the ding ho
was a chinese
restaurant that they had comedy out of and now the only
place that exists that place that
rick jenkins runs he runs a
place in cambridge
yeah and that’s the
that’s another
chinese restaurant
chinese restaurant chinese restaurant
an upstate new
comedy lab is that what they call it yeah
remember the yak
the akuaku yeah akuaku
and then the
other places mike
clark’s place giggles and saugus
yeah you know
but there’s more work in boston or at
least there was
like just little road gigs an hour
drive here hour
drive there more of
those in that area than anywhere else in the country no
when i would talk to guys from like
other places and then i’m like
where’s your road gigs
where do you go for road gigs
oh you know sometimes i do ohio sometimes
like what do
you got no don’t you have gigs around here like no one
could make a living around there
yeah but half an
hour there’s
nobody nobody
would start
yeah i don’t know what if i bought people would just
start rooms
don’t know bob marley out of maine
he came down like a
fully formed
fucking headliner just because he had like 25 rooms
going up in maine like he
started basically
it was like mcdonald’s but he
started with like
camries he used to tell me
when he was living up there
and it was getting so big he actually
ended up leaving because he almost became i
think like a
kind of almost like a club owner at that point he
could have done it but
he basically
started the comedy
scene up there
because before that all they had was like the
connection but like
portland yeah
yeah and he
start like he had at any before
that i used to do gigs in bangor
and bob would do like
guest spots and shit when he was
first starting out
bobby i don’t know if you know how
famous he is in maine
do you know oh yeah no no
yeah he’s like if you don’t know who bob marley is very
funny guy very nice guy i’ve
known him for fucking 20 plus years always been just a
great guy but when he
first started out
you know there was like
this is like you
know probably he probably
started on 89 or 90 there’s no one known
for being from maine there’s no like one main
comic that stands up
but bar marley
in anywhere else in the country is like people
might have heard of him you
might have heard him on xm
radio you might have seen him on comedy
central or something
in maine that
motherfucker is
huge oh yeah
there’s probably no
comparison it’s like
glacius or gabriel iglesias
in la is giant
gabriel iglesias does
shows in la well he’ll do like
five shows on a
monday night
like something fucking nutty and sell out everyone like
days and days in advance right
that’s how he is nobody else is like that you
know he used to go i remember you
tell me would
basically be in la
and then every year
right as the holidays came around
he would make like
ten times what i made on the road in that month yeah
just probably
should be talking
about his money but yeah he
would just go up there and do parties
and then he do the new year’s thing and
do this movie like
eight years in
he would do like
a like fifteen hundred two thousand seater and he
do be doing like adding shows and shit yeah
and doing all this main material you know
so much main like i was listening to him on the
radio the other
day was on xm
radio was doing all
these main jokes
and it was doing them in maine they were going
crazy they were fucking
going on and
he also dude he has like
a box set that’s how many
albums this dude is put out
he’s put out like sixteen albums
14 albums fucking unbelievable incredible the amount
hours 14 hours of fucking material
have you ever
heard of anybody
else has done that
have you ever
heard of anybody else who just
nailed it in one area like that no
there’s a couple wait
who’s the nobody like
that though not like that but wasn’t there a there was
always here with
those guys when you be down
south killer bees
remember her killer bees
guys and there
was one or two
other guys who
south of the
mason dixon line
yeah would just
absolutely if you you just put
their name up yeah
yeah it was
a thousand tickets
a few of those guys
but i don’t
think there’s any one guy that’s got a
state nailed
like bob marley does and he created it
yeah but it’s a
state that’s
proud to be that
state too that’s a part of the
whole key to it
he’s actually from maine
and the people in maine are
proud to be from maine it’s like
somebody’s getting an idea
there’s a comedian
right now in like
south dakota
trying to put it together
like dude i
could run this fucking town
state whatever the
hell i’m trying to say dude does anybody give a fuck
about being from
south dakota though the thing
about being
right there
that’s who gave a fuck
about being from maine
a lot of main people you ever talk shit about
main people in
maine people in
south dakota they give a fuck
about being there
not as much as maine
i’ve done i was in
north dakota and they were all
right when fargo
came out like
we don’t talk like that that’s fucking bullshit well
it’s like well you
think we talk like
cliff cleven on
chairs we don’t
a lot of us do kind of awesome now
he fucked that accent up
he would go hey there he go hey there nami it’s norm
it’s not a nom
yeah everything was parked the car so they put an a
all you do is take the r
out instead of norm yeah it wasn’t a good boston accent
am i really picking them up you got to get some live
years after
or norm did you hear he went on um
uh the open
anthony show and
apparently they
they fucking kicked him off like really yeah
he’s you know
it’s got some
beer book he’s putting out now george went
right right
no not george
no the other
yeah yeah george went with the mailman
right and the mailman was
cliff but the beard guy
if someone’s
gonna put out a beer book it
would have been norm
it would have been george went
yeah well george went was on the open
anthony show and i don’t know what happened but just
very unenthusiastic and they went up kicking him out
oh because he
was unenthusiastic oh
i’m as informed as you are
about the economy
dude those fucking guys like that’s i always get
excited oh they
had so and so on how did it go john ratson
fucking jimmy went the
other room started
prank calling him and i
jimmy with jesse ventura
that’s my favorite
that’s why he
fucking destroyed him he
crushed them
thank you for
your service to our country and he was saluting them
dude i thought for once i was actually gonna see
jesse in a real
fight for all
those years of
watching him fake fight
i was in vietnam
where were you yeah
it’s got to be one of those
weird fucking
stupid bullying things
norton hates it when when someone
tries to bully him
you know when someone
just demands respect without fucking proving your
point put your fucking point
and he gets crazy this
just chewed him up
i thought it was awesome oh it’s hilarious i it was it
was it was the combination of
awesome and then also
he was beating him so bad i i felt bad for
jesse i was like
jesse tap out
well jesse’s got
away and he did
yeah he did he left it was so
stupid he’s got this
weird oh and
jimmy was going oh
see it so you fucking
leave so you
gonna fucking leave
and he’s leaving
and it’s just like oh god
jesse it looked ugly at the end though like he was
thinking about doing something like
throwing something at him or yelling at him
i was so hoping because
kenny was right there and i always wanted to see
kenny in action you know he would just go old
school dirty cop on him probably well you know
jesse’s got bad hips
jesse’s another one of
those wrestlers that had hip replacement surgery
a lot of them have their hips replaced
dude you know hulk is like three inches
shorter wow
from all those years of jumping up to
and landed on his ass
yeah because when i saw him i was
like this guy’s not that tall but his fucking arms will
hang it down
below his knees
this guy looks like a fucking gorilla
and then i’ve read
i don’t know
where the fuck i saw it
it said he used to be six foot
seven and now he’s six foot four
whoa there’s
a huge difference six four is like you know
used to play college ball six seven
is you know
three inches off of his
spine i wonder how many
he’s got fused a lot of guys get
their shit fused man
that’s a big thing in
mma right now
tito ortiz just had
his neck vertebrae fused
and there’s a
bunch of guys have had
their back fuse
can he fight
anymore after that
i don’t know
i mean it really depends on how he recovers
you know but it’s some serious serious shit
you sure it wasn’t just
hairspray and heels
that you know or something like that with hulk hogan’s
that serious back surgery
more than one
who’s the guy that
hangs out at the comedy
store all the time or he was for a
while that roddy roddy
piper roddy
piper no he’s doing
stand up man
telling stories
that’s so weird
steve simone’s
going on the road with them yeah
you know steve
simons you know
steve simon
steve simons a
comic out of the comedy
store is a huge
fucking wrestling fan
oh yeah yeah okay
really good guy
really good guy
and he goes on the road with
roddy roddy
piper and it does a little
stand up then roddy roddy tells the stories
apparently it’s a hit
oh yeah dude
this should
really let you listeners know why i don’t know shit
about banking i actually
ordered on amazon the hard copy
version of rick flair’s autobiography
to beat the man you
gotta be the man
no to be the man you
gotta beat the man
dude it’s one of those
it’s just a fucking awesome book
dude ric flair
have you ever
watched this clip yeah yeah i’ve seen
one of the funniest fucking dude ever
great showman
yeah anyway he’s just like a comedian
where they say do you have writers
you know people
write this and he goes
writers he goes
dude i used to come up with half that shit on the cab
right over from the airport
like that’s
just like a comedian he’s just sitting there
exactly he just gets
loose see something he just says fuck this
dude he’s got a couple
where he’s so into it like you
think he’s gonna pass out and
when he’s yelling at people in the veins the way his
eyes bulge out
he’s got one
where he keeps
going i inherited and his
voice keeps
cracking he’s
screaming so i inherited
we talked about that
that uh born with a golden
spoon in his
mouth dude i’ll be on the road
depressed like oh my god i hate this and i’ll just
start watching ric flair
videos i just
start laughing
my fucking ass off going
that this is what it’s about
this is why you do it
that guy is the shit
ric flair is fucking awesome
my favorite wrestling
video is that john stassel
video where
john stassel’s talking to i don’t remember what the
wrestler was
telling him
about you know that what you do is fake
and he fucking
slaps him in the head like full blast
slaps him in his ear and drops and goes
is that fake
does that feel fake
you tell me what’s fake
and he gets up bam he slaps him in the
other ear and drops him again
then he gets up and runs out of there
what was the one that
was like was it mr
t or something like that
where he goes crazy
it was like a live show
and he starts
smacking or getting angry
and freaking out
what wrestler was that it was like i think mr
t was on it i
think you’re talking
about hulk hogan
choking out hawking
bells or yeah
put richard
bells are asleep
yeah that’s richard bells
a fell and bonked his head
i gotta see that
video oh i’m sure how did i
miss that yeah i’m sure it’s online
in this day and
age it would be a
typical wise ass
i heard what you do is bullshit
yeah you gotta be nice to those guys
you can’t disrespect them plus they’re on
gallons of juice
you know oh
yeah come on
the sicknesses they
get that big
you know that chris benoit
guy that one up killing this
whole family
juice to the gills
yeah but that’s also another
thing too is a lot of give me unlike pain meds because
those guys did like they
guys are working like
seven nights a fucking week that’s a
thing about
guys who fight in the
ufc like brock
says that pro
wrestling is way harder than being the ufc
heavyweight champion
how about that
is that the
video i’m sorry i’m gonna
watch a young
did those are from back in the day just google it
you could they didn’t work this out did they
no i don’t this
isn’t like a bit i don’t think so out here
and hulk hogan oh he got him in a g team
he put him to sleep
oh he went out look at that
he’s all right he’s just sleeping
he’s sleeping
really yes i
was i was a
sleeperhole he’d be alright yeah
i mean that’s
pretty fucked up i mean he really was out cold
that’s no bullshit and he just let him fall like
to the ground like head
hit his head
i put it got to sleep on a radio show once
no no no he was just fucking around no no
no watch an exit he wasn’t
you see the way fell dude
he fell and slammed his head off the ground he was
trying to keep trying to
yeah trying to
cover for it anyway
that’s that’s a famous one
and in the lead up to that it was like
hulk hogan was getting really pissed off at him like
like the whole time
like there was like
like seven minutes up to that or six minutes up to that
he was being a smartass and just pissing the hulk off
like and for real
why would you
do that even if what they did what was really fake
you know i mean
obviously that you know the predetermined the victor
stuff when somebody
fucking slams you down the back it hurts yeah you
gotta be conscious of who you’re talking to
yeah those guys are savages
you know even though
even though they’re not
you know they
might not be actually
fighting for a living they will fuck you
they’ll beat the
shit out of you if they want to like you better be nice
they live in a wild
world too a
wild world of
sweaty men that you hoist
through the air and slam on
their back you know
their idea of like
what’s acceptable danger
and punishment that you take
with your body is not what most people’s is you know
for them is like i just fell asleep if belzo was
covering that was pretty good no he wasn’t covering
he went i’m saying
he was uh no i
think he was because the lead up
was trust me that guy went out
that’s that’s a hundred percent
unconscious no that’s what we’re saying
as we’re saying he was
covering up that
that was oh yeah yeah belzer was
covering as a pro at the end yeah
yeah definitely yeah
well he went to
sleep no doubt
about it the way got that guy
squeezed his
100 the way his arms go limp
how long does it take
two seconds
when a guy puts a guy in a choke
there was a guy i choked out on a
radio show there was this radio show
he was like a
a pa and they had him do little stunts and
stuff and if he couldn’t do it then they
would punish him
it was like this gag they used to do it was in boston
so they had this dude
dress up as a cow
and he had to fucking try to jump over a chair on
and he couldn’t make it over the cherry falls
and crashes
and they get him upstairs and they go okay now
your punishment is gonna be
joe rogan has to choke you
unconscious i go what
and he goes okay i’ll do it i go
do you really you sure
about this and he goes yeah i go you sure
and he goes yeah i go all
right so i go
when you can’t take it just tap out
and i lock the
choke on him
squeeze on and he goes to tap and he’s already
and i let him go
thinking that he tapped and he falls and fucking face
plants on the carpet
he bumps his head off the carpet he
only fell a couple inches
but he was unconscious
immediately if you just let someone squeeze your neck
he go out pretty quick
do you know
that became the
thing to do
for like like
maybe like a week and a half when i was in seventh
grade we didn’t
understand what
we were doing but somebody came up with it
choking each
other no what
you do is you
would just basically grab two handfuls
of somebody’s neck on each side
you’re grabbing
their jugular
but the thing
about it was was
grabbing it
like this yeah we didn’t know what we were doing
we didn’t know what we were doing so some people
just grabbing like
you know what
a neck muscle
they were back here
but occasionally people
would grab them right
this is some shit yeah
the final would happen was someone did it correctly
and the dude did the same
thing he fell straight forward
and then there was
at the end of the day and there’s been a fad
around the school
to be grabbing
your classmates necks this
whole fucking
thing about
it’s very dangerous
you’re depriving oxygen to the temporal lobe
and all this fucking bullshit that just basically
could you please stop choking each
other i wonder how many kids
today are practicing
mma moves on
their friends at school
you know you
watch the ultimate
fighter or something
like that see what you get me got him a
kimora let me show you give me your arm
yeah dude the
first time i ever
threw up my back
was in fourth
grade i let this kid put me in the figure four leg lock
i swear to god
cause i was
cause i was also on a bleep well it’s not real it
doesn’t hurt
and it was killing me
so i was i was
i was leaning up
to try to take his leg off it’s the
first time i felt
lower back pain
fourth grade wow
that was you jacked your back in the fourth
grade it’s worth
fucking with you ever since
figure four leg look well
it didn’t fuck with me
until football a few years
later unorganized of course because i
never had the grades but
that’s what that’s when it really got bad but the first
yeah first back pain i had
what do you
think about
those people that say that back pain is all
that’s bullshit are you serious
there’s people that actually say that oh yeah the john
sarto guy he’s got
whatever on it
there’s fucking i
think there are a lot of people that have
psychological back pain oh
absolutely there’s
injuries yeah
it exists but
doesn’t mean it it’s all oh
this guy like
he i don’t know if he says all of them but i
think he attributes a lot of them he’s talking
about people even if they have injuries
the injuries don’t really hurt nearly as much as you
think they do it’s all psychosomatic
i agree that he’s
basically saying we’re a
bunch of pussies
bunch of pussies
bunch of pussies and the idea is that the injuries
distract you from
other stress
you know and take it
well i’m a firm
believer of
stretching yoga
any of that type of shit
because i don’t know what happens when you get
older but even just
sleeping the amount
more that your tendons or whatever shrivel up
like dude if you ever saw me hobble to the bathroom
in the morning you
would think that i played like five
years of professional ball or so i don’t know what’s
going on with me
so i but if i stretch before
i go to bed or something like that i’m way better
really yeah like my forbid
my foot is fucking jacked
it’s an old injury i had from playing drums
and it’s a real hard feel you get a drum injury yeah
you’d be surprised
some other drummers one of planters
official i don’t
know what the fuck they call it but it was from
i was i had poor technique
and i was trying to do this bass drum lick
this thing that
john bonham did the song good times bad times
these really
quick 16th note
triplets i’m sure you
heard that the
fight game and i
had bad technique
what i was doing and i fucked up the arch of it and it
literally felt like as i was walking down the street
someone was like i was stepping on nails
and i didn’t know what to do
typical irish guy i just thought well just fucking
stick it in the air for a
minute and it’ll be fine and i
toughed and i finally had to go
you gotta like take a
bottled water
freeze it in the fridge
right and step on it and then just sit there rolling
on the bottom of your foot anti inflammatories then you
gotta then you
gotta rest it up because
so what is the actual injury is a tendon what is
it i don’t fucking know say carpal
tunnel for drummers
i always stop and think
about if i lived
like just a hundred years ago
or even less i
would be useless my body’s been
screwed back together so many different times
so many different
things i’ve had three
pretty significant knee surgeries
two reconstructions
both knees i’ve had the acls replaced
this one i had my meniscus done
i had my nose
fixed my nose was broken
who knows how many fucking times
so i had to
scoop out all the shit out of my nose and
the deviated septum repair
i stop and think
about it like if
modern science wasn’t around
modern medicine
i’d be fuck you be an ogre
i’ll be living
under a bridge
i’d be a cripple i
wouldn’t be able
to do anything for without fear of my legs
given out and
popping out and falling to the ground in agony
that’s just what people did back in the i
would have been dead
my appendix
ruptured in the
sixth grade that
would have been it
would have been a wrap wow
one of those
things ruptures
what happens
your parents just tell
you to go take a nap and they don’t believe you for
three days and then
finally they take you down there
and you almost die yeah wow
i always poison yourselves for that one
they just didn’t believe you
no i don’t know my brother was convinced
i was playing baseball and that’s what happened
i don’t even remember i just kept having like side pain
and then the next day i
would feel fine then i’d have a fever
and then i would feel fine
and then one day i
guess it just
burst isn’t it
crazy that what your appendix is is an
organ that you don’t use anymore because it’s used to
is it an organ meat
yeah so it’s
an organ that
you’ve evolved
for bone breaking
down bone is sure
is your your
intestines are an
organ i thought your
organs like a
liver pancreas
google intestines find out what the fuck it is
i’m pretty sure that what what intestine is
not intestine
appendix rather
what appendix is
is an organ that we used to use when we process meat
we processed much more raw meat you know
i thought was only
eight leaves
that was both trees
jesus look at it’s something between the
three evolving between the
three we don’t have a
clue yeah it’s something that we’re evolving
you know are we’re
evolving so we don’t use it anymore
which is pretty fascinating when you think
about it it’s actually
it couldn’t have been that long ago it’s like
clear evidence that the
human body is
adapting to its environment
and we literally don’t use this fucking
organ anymore and sometimes it blows up in your body
you know i mean that’s what it does
right just fucking
it’s like why
yeah suicide bombs
i would have been i
would have died of that there’s a couple
things i would have died of
broke my arm when i was six i got hit by a car
if i thought
if it was the eighteen hundreds i
would have died by get hit by a car by
getting hit by that car in
the eighteen
hundreds what how did you
hit by a car i didn’t look i was racing my brother home
and he had stronger legs than i did so
i figured if i
cross i was
sure i looked
and i just do
right out in
front of a jeep
i wish i had
video because i
still don’t
know how i didn’t get run over all i remember
was being upside
down and feeling the heat of the engine
and seeing the bumper
and then the next
thing i remember i was
lying perpendicular to the double lines
i was only out for a
second just like bells are
when he got choked out i was only out for a
second click cause
when i came to
the biggest dude you ever
saw in your life gets out of this jeep
he probably had nightmares
because of the way i just rode out in
front of me
already crying
going oh my god i hit
and i all i
could think was my dad’s
gonna fucking kill me and i got up
and i ran the only
thing that fucking happened the only thing that
other than i got
knocked out was
you know that
thing here if you bite down on your back
teeth that thing
that goes in and out on the side of your head yeah
that’s right
where i got hurt so i had to eat with a little spoon
for a couple
of days i remember it happened on a wednesday
because the doctor says you don’t have to go to
school for the rest of the week and i was
psyched i finally have to fake school
and i had fucking thursday
friday saturday and
sunday off it was totally worth it
it’s one of the reasons why i stopped
fighting is because when i was kickboxing
there was many
nights where i couldn’t chew my food
i’d come home and i
literally couldn’t chew
oh because i’ve
heard too much side of the head
and i would get headaches i’d lay in bed at
night and get fucking vicious headaches
that was not fun yeah it was
scary shit the
other chewing
food i’d be chewing food going
you know you get kicked in the fucking jaw
that’s not fun
you know you get kicked or
punched in the head like really
blasted oh yeah your jaw just gets
i fought right up right up
until fifth grade and then
i went from being one of the bigger kids to one of the
smaller kids
and then also kids
started getting to be like a buck 20
kind of knowing how to throw a punch and like
i saw i saw scary
yeah dude i totally became a coward i became
funny i knew a bunch of dudes who had brain damage
i knew a bunch of dudes from boxing gyms that had
brain damage
wasn’t too significant
but it was enough that you could see it
and i’d seen guys from you know when i
started when i was 15 and i’d seen
how they evolved
you know how they develop brain damage up
until you know when i was like 21 when i stopped
fighting 21 or 22
i got to see the deterioration
that’s some scary shit
what’s his face you know save me
i want i want to go get i want to get in
shape when i was living in new york so i
i was started
going to gleason’s gym but i just did it like
total like actor i just want to get shredded
they were calling me like billy
swank and shit i say
about this yeah
giving me shit so
charlie murphy fucking gave me
great advice
cause i told my
starting to go over there
because he’s all that martial art
right there you go they just called me as a yo bill
let me tell you something
and he totally fucking broke it down
he’s like you’re gonna be over there
for like he
literally broke down because you’re gonna be over there
for like fucking
maybe a month
month and a half and somebody’s gonna come up to you
and tell you that
you look like you’re decent and they they’re basically
gonna try to talk you into getting into the ring
cause they need fresh meat
and he goes do not go in there
under any circumstance and like whatever charlie
always preaching this apocalyptic shit dude
literally clockwork six weeks over there
this fucking black dude
shredded comes up to me
hey man you’re a comedian
man you don’t look like a comedian look at
you’ve got a nice jab or whatever you know we wanna
spar a few rounds
i almost started laughing
like it was so exactly what the fuck he said
i was like get the fuck
some six weeks six weeks in a comedian
this fucking guy’s been fighting
for like 10 years
to beat you up
he wanted to try this shit
that he didn’t have the balls to try
against a professional he was
gonna try some new
i don’t know superman hook
is that a punch i know what
the fuck it was he wanted to try it on my dudes do look
for charlie
brown guys to
spar with yeah
look to beat guys up to improve
their confidence and you know
try the techniques on
nobody wants to
spar with a guy that’s
gonna beat the fuck out of you you want to
spar with a guy who’s
gonna just kind of
barely put up a
fight and you’re
gonna be able to
t off on them and get it’s like
glorified that’s
basically what charlie told me that’s true
charlie murphy gave you some good advice
great advice
he laughed his ass off when i told him that
cause he just
started he just
started thinking
about my big
stupid charlie
brown head getting battered
around the ring boxing gyms are notorious for that shit
see when that happens in
jiu jitsu it’s really no big deal i remember when i
first started doing
jiu jitsu i
started rolling with guys who were really good
and just getting humiliated
getting strangled it was this one purple belt kid
i was a white belt i
was on newsradia and i was just
starting out there’s this purple belt kid
this brazilian
kid he was badass and he used to fucking rape me
every day i
would be terrified to have to
fucking roll with this kid because he was really good
and i was terrible
and every time i’d roll with them this
motherfucker would
mount me and
choke me and armbar me
he would tap me
three four times
i was exhausted just over and over and over
again he would tap me
but it didn’t hurt me you know i’m saying
what was the
level of frustration
coming from being a national
champion in
taiwan doing
well it was eye opening well
one of the reasons
why i stopped doing taekwondo is because
taekwondo you don’t
punch to the head in the tournaments
and i started kickboxing i
started working with
there was a guy
named joe lake who was a boxing
coach in boston and he
was training
at the same gym that i was at and he was offering me to
teach me boxing
if i would teach him how to kick
and so we sort of made
this little deal and we worked back and forth with each
other and i
started boxing and as i
started boxing i realized how bad my hands were
from taekwondo and then i’m
like i’ve wasted all my time doing this taekwondo shit
then when i go box
with guys in kickbox i’m fucking terrible with my hands
so i started
getting really good with my hands and working on it
so i’d already been
enlightened to the
fact that my original path was not the best path in the
world one of the reasons why i stopped
fighting i stopped
fighting in taekwondo
tournaments because i realized how
silly it was
how easy it was for people to
punch me in
the face and how many techniques didn’t work
once you added punching
then when the
ultimate fighting
championship came along
i realized like
oh well look what this fucking guy does he just
hoist gracie
just takes guys down and strangles them
what the fuck
would i do if that guy got me
i don’t know shit
so i started doing
jiu jitsu and i was just a rank beginner
i had wrestled one year
in high school
so i knew how to throw
bodies around a little bit
but i didn’t know how to defend myself
against anybody
was any good and this kid just mangled me over
but he never really hurt me
you know if this was kickboxing
and he did that to me he
would have given me
brain damage
broke my face
knocked me out
but this guy just choked
me and i just tapped and he armbarred me and i tapped
but he’s not really hurting you
every time he’s doing this to you you just tap
and emotionally
just to know
you don’t realize
until you roll
with a guy who’s good how a guy who’s like that
you know high
level purple bills a
strong guy can just
do whatever the fuck he wants to you
like literally you have no defense
there’s almost nothing you do
if you don’t
punch him and knock him
unconscious as he’s
grabbing a hold of you once he grabs you you’re
a victim you’re just a victim
you know it’s almost like if you get
grabbed by like a bear
like a wild animal it’s the
second they grab your button down
way worse for the bear
you finished
you imagine what it must feel like there’s a
photo that a guy took
he died he was killed by this bear
but he got one last
photograph of the female
charging him
because he was a wildlife
photographer it’s a very
famous photo
and he was in
the woods and as he’s walking through the woods he
stumbled upon
bare cubs and as he
stumbled upon
it was just too late
the female just runs out i’m a grizzly and he got a
photo of her fucking
lips curled
teeth bareed
roaring and looking at him with dead eyes
and that was his last
photo that he ever took it’s a fucking intense photo
if you find it online anybody finds
it online twitter that shit to me because i lost it
i had it online
i was showing it to somebody and then i cannot
find it anymore i don’t know if it was pulled or what
jesus you know when i was in
colorado my dog got
eaten by a mountain lion oh yeah
i know i’ve
been keeping up on you
just so you know we’re at that two hour
and 20 minutes i know where
we should probably
end this nobody wants to listen to a two hour and 20
minute podcast
by the way you have a podcast we
should talk about
first of all
monday bill burr
does not have fucking twitter
so we got him a goddamn twitter account
bill you gotta i’m not use this that shit
it helps you
promote it’s
the best thing for a
comic to use right now
it’s so shows you promote
i would not i
would have known that you had a podcast if i
if i if i heard
don’t you know that that’s by design
my podcast if we
i don’t hype it
i don’t hype it my podcast
is totally i do it for fun
and it’s it’s i go
but wait dirtier
i’m wager yeah
but people don’t know but you got you fucking
know me you know me you didn’t even know i had one
i know you had one i didn’t know you had one i
remember from
your myspace
page you think that you knew that i had one
but you didn’t
i remember you
should do it with a
phone you used to do it
with a phone
i do yeah but i just don’t
i don’t give a fuck how do you do it now do you see me
sit down with a
microphone now and just rant
how do you do
it now yeah
that’s the same
thing yeah people
send me questions and then i just go off on shit
so now you don’t do it on a
phone you don’t do that anymore no i have
i haven’t done it on a
phone now for
about a year oh
one of those voicemail
things you’re in a half
oh yeah when i used to call up g cat but that was
that was a lot of fun though because i
could be in airports making fun of fucking the
creeps at cinnabon
right and all that and people really like that so i’m
how come you
don’t have a fucking twitter account
dude i just got on facebook
but facebook’s good but twitter is
great for promoting gigs
like i got a gig
at the punchline atlanta
okay something
wrong with that
i got a gig at the
punchline in atlanta this
sunday i just booked it because i’m
gonna be in atlanta on
monday and i had a flying
sunday afternoon
so i said well i just do a fucking show there
so i i i just
started promoting it
i started promoting
it on fucking twitter i just
threw it up on twitter i’m in
let people know
so then people
start retweeting it and let people know
it’s almost fucking sold out
it’s all you have to do
yeah but you also
joe rogan yeah but i mean it on
television but people know who you are it helps bill
birdie you’re a celebrity too
when i told people that
you were coming on the podcast people got all fucking
excited and
fired up on twitter
seven of them no a
bunch of them on twitter i’ll show you
some you know something are you
against filling
seats bill burn
i’m against this fuzzy math
look i’ll show
you there’s a lot of people in here that we’re talking
about bill burr
there’s a lot of people look
at that scrolling
scrolling i
can’t find bill burr on twitter
right there bam
it’s bill burr on twitter people
and there you
go twitter and that’s what you do
you leave em wanting more joe
look you know how much fucking it’s
a pain in the ass to do all that shit it’s so easy i do
do you have an iphone when you have
blackberry i fucking twitter
every week on my fucking podcast
for an hour
and you could listen
to twitter it’s on itunes the same
thing twitter
is like a text message that you send to all your fans
so i’ve got
130 something thousand people on my
twitter quit showing off we already know you’re fucking
black baller son
131 785 so that is
131 000 people that i can get in contact with
pretty much instantly i mean if they pay attention to
their twitter
you know all you have to do is you twitter hey i’m
gonna be in fucking newport beach bam
and then you can get people to come to
your shows it’s so much easier it’s so much easier than
going on a radio show and getting up in the morning
you know you can fucking get
things yeah you
know what i’m always like i always like the old
school way of doing shit i always
think it’s better
i don’t know why
you’re an old
school sort
of a guy i’m
a i’m a romantic
you are a romantic and you
know that i
like i like
men by the way joe that bear
photo is fake
i’ll get on twitter fake yeah
which one is fake
the one with the dead body
oh i don’t know you talking about
oh no no no that’s a different one yeah i got it i will
the other one is i will
start tweeting
black and white that’s what it was that
tweeting that just
sounded play
tweeting tweet
some say it joe but is it your
say yeah i tweeted
about that yesterday i tweeted
about that yesterday
yeah you looked away
look at me look at me
bill where are you
gonna be out this weekend
where can people see you i’m
gonna be at the improv
down on melrose
hollywood improv and next
weekend i’m
gonna be at the orleans with
tom popo co headlining with tom papalas his last gig
george carlin ever did was at the orleans casino
wow in vegas huh
it’s a good
place i’m gonna be there i’ve been there for fights
billboard com
b urr billboard com and i have
and what the
fuck is i don’t know what it is i have a podcast if you
click on the podcast link
billboard com
podcast and you can find it on itunes it’s called the
monday morning podcast yeah the
money we got him
a fucking twitter account okay we’re
gonna force him
into getting twitter we’re
gonna set it up here