now to you stream
sorry for the the incredible delay
absolutely ridiculous
i don’t know why you people tolerate this shit
i don’t know why you people tolerate this shit oh
boy on purpose yeah you totally did
totally did
we have mike stands now except for
my friend john heffron he’s forced to hold his
microphone otherwise we have an ungainly stand
right in front of you i think that would be ridiculous
next time did you
get a stand i have a
stand no i have it like this i’m just gonna i’m
gonna rock it out like this like i’m
about to bell out the last part of some song
yeah like a lead singer from creed
yeah yeah i’m just gonna be so
i’ll just go like this and this is perfect i’m probably
gonna wind up holding onto the mic too because as a
comic that seems like a natural thing
this seems less natural to have this fucking
thing in front of you
yeah it’s kind of odd or
those stands those are kind of like singer songwriter
stands ever do a comedy club
i am a singer song
well that i know but
or you have to use a
stand like that
is there anything more fucking pretentious
than a singer songwriter yeah i’ve done some shitty
and then you got some
shitty gigs
like if you have like
and this is like say as a
comic i mean
i talked about this with tom
segura as a
comic you have to
admit that most
comics suck
right what are
the odds what are the numbers rather it’s like 80 suck
there’s a lot of the lot of that right
same singer songwriters who’s cool singer songwriters
right but eighty percent of them are fucking
miserable douchebag yeah
right yeah yeah
ladies and gentlemen john have fun
winner of last
comic status
miserable douchebag no great guy
in incorrect sir you’re incorrect
about yourself
if you haven’t seen john john one
season two of last
comic standing
i thought it was
season one because i
blocked out
season one because i was on it
and i was on it with
buddy hackett and
buddy hackett got mad at me and then died two weeks
later i was
going to yell at him
it was a creepy moment man i
think we talked
about this did we talk about this
well last time you were on
buddy hackey
yelled at me
and i almost yelled at him back and then two weeks
later he died
so i’m glad i didn’t yell
do you guys know who rip
torren is or rip
rips thorn or whatever
that dude i just saw him
today i had breakfast and he sat in the
table next to me and just
freaking everybody out and
stuff what was he
funny at one
point i don’t really know anything
about him except he was gay he’s like one of
those hollywood squares dudes
that’s always
been on like hollywood squares back in the
seventies and shit
right he was
passing out flyers at paddy’s and it was just really
old as fuck he looks
crazy old like he
doesn’t even look like him anymore
pretty scary
how do you know it was really him it
could have been
because he was passing out rip van torn like flyers
or torn right torn right
it needs to
throw the confetti
was his thing
like oh my god guys was it that guy
oh i have no yeah but
he that was back when there was probably just him and
hey brian can you do me a
favor and just shut that door
yeah and that
other dude that was way gay that was on
hollywood square
oh yeah yeah yeah
hey hey samantha
yeah what is his name
worst impression ever
but you know
how you get
impressions i knew exactly what you’re talking
about charles
something not
so riley okay maybe
no that was a different guy
there’s another
yeah this guy was also on
bewitched samantha
oh yeah you’re right i
always like
those fuck that dude is guys
that were like the only
two or three way way gay guys
whatever and
every tv show
had them on yeah that’s so true if you were a gay guy
back then man you had to be fucking obviously gay and
never talk about it
you know they
never talked
about their boyfriends no
no they didn’t want to
talk about butt
sex and what they like and what they don’t like
they just threw
confetti and you went you know what that guy’s
throwing confetti
he’s probably gay
you know what’s
crazy when you stop and
think about how many people were like
undercover gay back in
those days like
rockheads and
you know so many so many different
guy they just couldn’t they couldn’t be themselves
they didn’t have that option it was impossible
you know or you go did
yeah they didn’t have that option
but they could go out and go to like a gay whatever
crazy club and
never get busted
never you never get caught
the volume on you
streams over modulating
over modulating over because it’s so fucking
powerful now baby
i think that readers
is that guys better sorry
there you go
yeah it used to be
really terrible yeah
go to any place and not get busted though
that was back in the day when you left your house
your your wife couldn’t get a hold of you
until you got back home so you
could do gay shit
yeah so you
can have a wife
how many of them
but now how many you
think work up
front with their wives
and said listen
you don’t have to work ever
again i’ll give you a big fat house you
drive around a nice car you don’t have to have a job
i’ve just be my wife
you know you
could fuck guys
keep it on the dl
don’t get me in
trouble do you
think there was that or do you
think it was
that’s that’s a difficult
move though because you got to be a pretty open and
honest guy to like pull that conversation off if you’ve
i think that happens
a lot i think there’s a lot of beards in hollywood yes
there are but how many of them know
their beards
see i know i know a girl who was
married to a guy for ten fucking years
and then it turns out the guy was gay
the guy came out ten
fucking years into their
marriage and they were dating before they were married
so who knows
how long they had been going on
where he was
just trying to keep it together and pretend
he was heterosexual and finally he just he just came
clean that’s
crazy shit man that girl was
i know for sure
absolutely unaware
completely devastated
couldn’t believe it
shocked blown away
you know that’s that’s a
that’s and she
this is a working woman
i mean she works in hollywood she’s a
smart woman
pretty crazy
story man what i
understand is
my gaydar has to go off you know if i’m
married to somebody i’m
with them that much and if they are really gay then i
would think you
would know unless you’re really
stupid yes you
would but this
woman who i know
is not the most
sexual person
and she’s very
ambitious and she works all the time and she
maybe doesn’t even like sex that much and
maybe every now and then he likes fucking girls
you know maybe
maybe he’s really good at eating
pussy cause he wishes he had one
he’s like if i had one i
would do this to it mmm
what a terrible fucking
gay voice i just
threw out so
i’m so embarrassed myself
but uh yeah man it’s fucking it’s got to be real hard
to have that
wacky gene and you know be
stuck in a situation
where you have to pretend that you’re not you know
could you imagine
if you had to pretend to be gay all the time
imagine if the
only way to work in hollywood was you had to be gay
so you had to
run around pretending to be gay including dating guys
and letting them fuck you
how about that
right to add to the
could you fucking imagine if that was the only way
could you imagine if your
comic you want to make it as a comic and
you the only way is if they
think that you’re gay
fuck but it’s so
tempting me you want to be a
comic so bad you’ve always wanted to be a comedian
that’s your fucking
thing you know
could you imagine no holy shit
you know we’re very
lucky so lucky to be heterosexual
so lucky so true i mean except for
except for the whole
you have to worry
about babies
that’s it gay dudes they just plug each
other in the ass all day
and they don’t have to
worry about shit there’s no repercussions
the worst they get some sort of a disease
they get the aids
that’s the worst but
other than that they’re just pleasure it’s all pleasure
you know just
shooting loads in each
other and having a good time
i got online last night and
i was on youtube
watching that r
kelly clip my new favorite clip of all time
and i went on a youtube journey
which is always amazing if you ever like you
should the very
first video
and youtube you
should write down what it is yeah
and then backtrack your mind to see
how you went from r kelly to
yeah well i went from r
kelly to gay bears
gay muscle bears and
daddy bears
these all these these
videos of gay guys
these hairy
gay guys have online big muscular gay guys like flexing
and you read
like the fucking comments and it’s hilarious
hilarious the comments are all these gay
goose going
i already got precom and like you know
my dick got hard
just looking at that i can’t wait to
shoot on his back
you know all what i
would do to him i wish i had an
older man like him to molest me
and i’m like
it’s all like unanimous perverts like everyone
on the fucking thing
they’re all just disgusting
i was on wicked perverts
a site similar
an adult site that had comments underneath
the actual porn scene
which is just shows i
think that’s
weird as a generation thing
where is that a new thing
i’ve never seen they have that actually
here on you stream
where you can yeah
but you stream is normal but
important side of you
i’m sure i hate
the way she sucks dick yes
she hates it yeah that’s what
said there was this one it was this
asian girl and
that she was typewriting in the comments
underneath was
why would she be
using a typewriter
right now and it’s
to me maybe just an
asian but it’s like just be
happy you’re seeing porn
there’s generation of guys that used to go through the
weird guys trash
used to have to get to sears catalog
we’ve talked
about this many times you know we’re sponsored
be happy that you have porn and
you really gonna create a
screen name by the way we have
to mention this we’re sponsored now sponsored by the
flashlight see that
that’s a butthole
right there
fella pubic
hair on it too where
i did not i’m not use this one sir
i do not do not use the butthole one and i
would not pull out the vagina one out of respect
the one that i have used
i like how it’s autographed
yeah it’s so important
the vagina ones autograph too
really from who
i don’t know
are they famous
yeah i think that one’s like christopher reeves
that’s christopher reeves butthole
wow it’s a lot
pinker than i expected
so that’s the flesh
i sponsored by it
if you’re a masturbator and i know you are you
gotta pick one of
those up it’s fucking fantastic it’s
the greatest masturbation tool ever invented for dudes
cause for years dudes had nothing
now we have this
it’s golden 15
off on joe’s website oh yeah you
click on a link
and get some
get some money for it
get some money off and you
gotta figure if we just go through that i’ve
never used one but anything else you
might use up is
gonna probably called
shaping and it
might you know i mean
get a little hot spots here there you know
so that’s probably a safer
thing about that think
about the less open source you’re putting on you and
your junk yeah but not
irritating the skin look at you looking practical and
that’s the practical and
i don’t know what the
fuck i don’t know what
you’re fucking to put sores all over your dick but yes
i agree with you
well i’m just saying some t
shirts are softer than others
do you fuck your
t shirts so we do
no but i’m saying some just to the you know
what the fuck you saying say it
just don’t say it you fuck your
t shirts no
wrong with that
i don’t know if i
do that i fuck
basically everything i own
i fucked my
bed i fucked pillows i fucked soap i fucked shampoo
i tried a difference
in soap and shampoo my dick got
irritated once
cause i fucked this soap that i didn’t know
it was mrs rogan
soap and it was like if you have acne
i just squirted on my dick and beat off with it
and then my dick oh fucking
red and sore
oh and i was
like what the fuck was that shampoo and then
i just thought it was shampoo
man let’s say just say through conditioning if i
smell pert i
start to get a little bit aroused
wow if i hear running
water have love
yeah exactly if i
smell per but i
think conditioner is a way better way to go
yeah i like the
shampoo you
know bubbles when you blow bubbles that soap
it’s kind of oily
that’s the best
soap the fuck i
think dudes don’t have to worry
about any of
that shit when they’re gay they just bang each
other i bet gay guys hardly
even jerk off they’re just so busy banging each other
they could just get sex all the time
i think so i
think you see it at the gym really
throw freak
you just you just come here and just
dude look and then
you just been in the same room i used to work out of
twenty four hour fitness
and the guy who was the manager there was this really
cool guy and he was assigned to the west hollywood
store the west hollywood
twenty four
hour fitness
cause he had to
clean it up
quote unquote
cause they were having problems there
cause dudes were fucking there
and dudes were
fuck all over the place
they would they
would fuck in the sauna and they
would have to go in there and hose down the sauna
he said it was disgusting
you would go in there it would
smell like ass and there
would be loads
everywhere these guys
would just bang each
other and shoot loads all over the fucking sauna
and you would go in there
literally it’d be a fucking
biological hazard
and he had to
clean all this
stuff out and hose
everything down
he said he always caught dudes banging in there
like those aren’t
some in shape
guys too by dude gay gyms are like gay
discos they
might as well be
nightclubs that’s
where they pick each
other up when i was
when i was doing news
radio i used to work out a gold gym
which is on coal
which was a
total gay disco
i mean that’s all it was was just a
bunch of gay dudes
trying to pick each
other up and they
would spot you like when you didn’t need a spot they
would come over so
they can stand with
their yeah stand
with your balls
above your head
and they would like be really
aggressive like the way i stared at
you and looked at you because they were used to getting
their dick sucked and they did that you know it’s like
that’s their spot that’s
where they go man
they’re fucking
freaks they don’t have to
worry about
babies you know
what was life like
before the pill
could you imagine if we grew
up in when was the pill the fifties is that what it was
could you imagine if we grew up when there was no pill
we don’t even know what that’s like
my girlfriend was on the pill when she was sixteen
right when i was i was sixteen or i was
seventeen she was sixteen she was on the pill
i don’t know what it’s like to be in an error
when there was no pill
could you imagine
how much more careful you had to be how
trickier than to be
you know yeah
or were guys then or or they were like kind of
dudes now when you just
whatever out of a hundred
out of a hundred people
guess how many
per year out of a hundred people
get pregnant even
while they’re on the pill
how many 83
are protected
so it’s whatever that’s it yeah
it’s only 83
so 17 so 17 out of 100
really yeah i was just at
planned parenthood the
other day so they really said that you know why
because show you that i’m out of that
seventeen percent ninety nine percent of those
seventy percent are
lying whores
yeah that’s why
i totally on the pill yeah you’re on the pill
yeah you shoot a load in there now you have a baby
i have a new baby
oh yeah how is it
going as a fucking
fantastic my
mrs rogan gave birth
wednesday we have a new baby
and don’t read the chat you’re
gonna get distracted son
see you’re not even
paying attention you know any read you lost
you don’t want to read that
just concentrate
on the conversation
i’m gonna tell you something i love
not to chime
in you don’t have
apparently i’m in
some random
some random look
listen to that
random dude you gave a
voice to some douchebag
some asshole out there look the beautiful
thing about the internet i always say is that
anyone can say anything they all are
free to say whatever they want but the horrible thing
about the internet is that anyone can say everything
right they can say whatever they want
so douchebags get to talk too so
you don’t know what kind of
group you’re
getting and you can’t read the negative shit 99
of it is gonna be cool people with questions
but that one percent you can’t respond
to them because
you’re reinforcing
shitty behavior
you know those faggots need to get a life
those fucking
dummies that
wanna come on talk shit they
wanna do it on twitter they
wanna do it on myspace and facebook
there though i had to
learn the hard
way that you’re supposed to ignore them you know
yeah or joke
about it is hard
cause you seem like fuck you
but that’s not
even a person man that’s a sad little blip of energy
of negative energy
i had this fucking dude i
should read it
because it’s that interesting
i had this fucking dude
that sent me a message about
the woman who
i had an argument with this feminist
woman once on
on myspace and
not on myspace on
they put it up on youtube
kevin kevin
booth filmed it it was behind a comedy
stores lady
lydia lunch and
i try to be nice to her but she got like
super aggro with me and really douchey and said she was
gonna burn me with her
cigarette so i just
started fucking ripping her
apart and it’s on youtube
and this guy
sent me this fucking scathing i mean that the
chick is a cunt okay
there’s no way i
would ever yell at a
woman unless that
woman’s a cunt i mean it has to get to
a dirty horrible
if that’s my manager i’m fucking firing them i
swear to god
hold on well i got a TikTok
yes it is i’m doing my podcast wow i do it every
it’s wednesday today’s wednesday knucklehead
tuesday tuesday whatever it is
that’s that’s a real
comic i don’t even know what fucking day it is
it was them too it’s always them
meanwhile they
were they were getting mad because we were talking
about them in the
flashlight we’re not allowed to talk
about them anymore
anyway so this fucking guy sent me this
this email back
i mean the first
email he sent me was
like really fucked up like just such a douchebag that
woman you bullied on youtube no
let’s just listen to this
this woman is
an ass but joe rogan looks like a typical dude who
would be on jersey
shore pushing and
punching bullying
woman physically
i didn’t bully her i told her not to
touch my face
she touched my face and i pushed her hand away from me
wow dude you’re so
tough man what a
funny faggot
you are talk
about mommy issues christ
how do you live each day being such a miserable bitch
typical low file pig
only other short ugly miserable potheads with it now
think all this fucking energy and this keeps
going on and on and on and on
uneducated piece of
trash instead of telling us
that you wish the president
would take mushroom trips try living life without
smoking joints you pothead burnout fucking dumb dumb
so this is obviously someone has been to my show
because i say the president
should take mushrooms
said that my ex so this is
obviously probably some heckler
probably some dude who got jacked at one of the shows
and then i sent him some message i
think i sent him something like
i said that
this is what i said
if that’s what you got out of the
video then you deserve to be the type of person that
writes such a retarded email
you have created
your own reality and it sucks to be you kisses so
that’s what i said to him
i don’t know why i did it because i shouldn’t have
because when you do that
what happens is you create
a fucking battle you
know for no reason so this fucking guy
writes this thing
that’s like paragraphs long
you’re the typical jersey
shore hostile
short dude you’d
like to believe you are different because you move to
plastic land with the fakes but
it just goes on and on and on and it’s so fucking sad
and i look at
stuff like that i say
here’s a guy
that obviously
not a happy person there’s no way he’s
successful michael george is not sitting around you
stream you know writing
letters like this or
on youtube or whatever
these are all
michael jordan yeah
you know what
i’m saying there’s no winners out there doing
donald trump’s not getting on fucking
myspace and
shit not bands your band sucks you guys are faggots
you know it’s always some fucking zero
but the amount of hate that someone
would generate
and all of it comes from them not being
happy with who they are all of it 100
if they want to put out that much energy you
could have dislike for someone
you could disagree with someone but
you spill out so much vile and it’s
about something that had nothing to do with you
what you’re
doing is finding someone who you don’t like to
compare yourself to
their got something
that makes you uncomfortable whether it’s success
or looks or money or
whatever the fuck it is you know they’re
doing something you don’t that you wish you were doing
you know they
are getting
attention you wishing you were getting that’s all it is
so you have to
treat them instead of like
human beings
you have to
treat them like
these little
aberrations little blips of energy and you got to
learn from them
so when you see some douchebag
that like chimes in and says something fucked up
the way you have to look at
these people in is almost like
these sad little creatures
like trapped in
like a jail of
their own choosing
you know so
don’t respond to
these fuckers
yeah i just got
what were we talking
about yeah no
that’s the weep for you
i got an email
a few days ago that
literally said
you know i just saw your special in comedy central
you were one of those guys
where your parents must have told you you were funny
even though you weren’t
and then he goes on to say you know you you suck
you’re not funny you’d
maybe make a good weather guy blah blah blah
so then i saw that that’s actually kind of
funny you might
maybe make a
good weather
guy i’m not saying this
you suck as a comic but
i believe you if you said a
storm front was coming in
but then i was like at
first i got mad and wanted to respond the guy
and then i went you know what how many
emails do i get from people that were like that was the
greatest show ever and i don’t even
think about responding exactly but that’s the problem
what’s that guy’s
focus like there’s not been
what like you do said one band that i’ve hated so much
that i went to
their website logged in and said i just
wanna let you
i never coming to see you no artist no writer no
comic no nothing
i’ve never i’ve
never done that to anybody
online that i did if i didn’t like
their stuff i didn’t like it
you know i might like comment on twitter i thought that
movie sucked you know but
but writing someone like some fucking horrible scathing
evil email like that that’s only and you know the
second you’d
reply to it
their heart would
because they were
excited oh and then it’s on
this guy that i told you that i sent that
email back he
wrote me fucking paragraph that
that douchebag probably spent
hours of that meanwhile she
probably unemployed
his life’s in fucking
shambles probably 12 years old and he pees himself
still and he has a computer and
he’s making fun of all of us that’s the problem i hate
i got in a fight with somebody the
other day and forth
and then i went
to his myspace page and it was like a kid
like he had pok
man as one of his favorites
and i’m like oh
my god i’m even wasting time
on this kid
yeah it’s possible it’s always possible that the little
teenagers but
the more important
thing is that what it is
is it’s not a person and you
think it’s a person because
you know like
in real life if someone did that to you it would
cause like a real situation
you’d be like wow there’s like some negative energy
going back and
forth between me and this person but you’re
not even making physical contact with that person
so you gotta
learn how to like not accept it
like when shit comes
in and it’s like anonymous shit on the internet you
gotta learn how to not accept that it’s a difficult
thing right
yeah it’s tricky this is probably the
trickiest thing
about being
in the you know
quote unquote public eye
you know is dealing with all the
losers all the fucking failures all the shitty
human beings
that just want to dump on people
and it’s easier
to dump on people if you do that all day then you
never have to look at what’s
going on with your own life
you were like i’ve had a busy day for sure i
wrote 10 bands that i hate and five
comics i can’t
stand wow this guy
i went to his
youtube page too
which is even more hilarious
cause it’s just
filled with
people shitting on him calling him an asshole
so i guess he just does this constantly just
fucks with people and
i thought it was it’s fascinating man it’s fascinating
that there’s people like that that for sure are fucking
losers not a single one of these guys
is successful
is doing what
they want to be doing because if they were they
would be concentrating on that i don’t have enough
energy out there to concentrate on some other shit
i don’t have any energy to go out there and try to
bring someone down for no reason
i don’t have it
i don’t have it to give
and if you have it to give
for sure you’re
missing something in your life abso fucking lutely
jesus listen
jesus i’ve been following a lot of christians
on the twitter lately
oh so this brings me back to r
kelly before
we went gay guys
gay guys big bear to r kelly okay
you fucking
have to see this r
kelly clip i
gotta show you this
video because
this is the best
piece of unintentional comedy
i’ve ever been a witness to
it’s r kelly
and it’s a video called
real talk and i
watched it i’m not bullshitting you man i watched it
fucking ten times yesterday
i’m gonna find it here
on your twitter
yep here it is
can um can i play it here how’s the volume
thing working i’ll do the volume thing on this computer
okay here we go
it’s on my twitter
you’re not even on my twitter faggot
yeah now you are i had to mute the other thing
oh my god you’re fucking ridiculous scroll down right
right there
scroll jesus christ can you fucking read
scroll down all the way man no it’s
damn you freaked out
i watched some
link that you hit yesterday but some guy in coal
i watch the
whole thing okay
crank this up
i think it’s a great song you know this is r kelly
who is my favorite
unintentional black comedian how real she
gets when you argue with your girl and shit you gotta
so i did it on youtube
i’m gonna do this shit for y’all on youtube
real talk behind the
scenes is what it’s called on youtube
now what it is is r kelly having an argument with his
chick and he turned it into a song
it’s a just a conversation with him and his chick
they love real talk
this is a motherfucker calm down
i was at a club with who
get the fuck man you know what
i’m not about to sit up here and argue with you
about who’s the blame
or call no names real talk see girl
only thing i’m trying to establish what you establish
meanwhile while he’s talking someone’s braiding
did she say there were other guys there but
how the fuck she knew i was with the mother
i love how there’s no singing during that
point because he’s got this intelligent point to make
do what other guys
he’s got a fucking rock solid excuse listen
i don’t know why you fuck with all them jealous
no man having assholes anyway
does it have to do with if he was out with
when they don’t eat with us listen to this
what they eat don’t make a shit
this is my favorite part
right here right here
fuck one of your funky ass
probably already doing that shit anyway
you gonna burn what look at this bitch i wish you
did he he is
okay shut it off he’s singing
that’s the end of it
and there’s like a fake
fight afterwards he’s singing through a ghetto argument
with his girl and he’s singing like with passion
and i wish you
would buy my motherfucking clothes real talk
everybody listening next time you
fight with your girl you have to just
throw the word real talk
into the conversation
oh my god that’s good
he likes he likes to pee on girls too
which is funny thinking is that
true though
yes do you saw you did not see the
video listen did he not get acquitted you don’t listen
son i’ve seen the
video you best you best watch a motherfucker he was
wearing real
talk real talk
he got his jacket and
got it bedazzled at the mall did you see that he had
those little
jewels he put on cell
phones all over
his i don’t know why you’re hanging out with all them
no man having assholes anyway we’ll talk
i want to see
him and easy e deep kiss what are you talking
about he’s fucking awesome
he is a dude out there
working for you
okay that guy is
providing you on
you don’t look
you might not like him you
might think he’s
stupid but that was goddamn
entertaining for all the
wrong reasons
but i was goddamn
entertained that easily
could have been a
sketch on the chappelle show oh it was awesome
the wrong reasons yeah i like his road of thought
though when the girls like you were out with the
girls hey didn’t i buy you something yesterday right
you’re happy then
right so wait
happy then didn’t
i love the fucking
pause where there’s no music
did she say there were
other guys there
did she say there were
other guys there
i wish he would burn my
clothes i wish he
would and it
sounds like he said he was gonna
shoot her then bailed they were like
i mean something bad’s
gonna happen to you what they eat don’t make a shit
that’s a song
that’s genius
shit but you know you could say that this
idiot this moron but listen that guy is giving
massive amounts of unintentional comedy
yeah you know
he’s always been
great yeah he’s always been
great dude yeah i love him hilarious
fucking hilarious trapped in the
closet was one of the best ever it was like what
seven parts or something like that more than that like
twenty four parts so fucking dvd dude
i got a dvd of it it might be a two fucking dvd set i
wanna watch that in three d
yeah um i watch this
all day yesterday i just kept
watching it over and over and over again i
literally watched it ten times that’s awesome real talk
it’s genius
genius shit
anyway back to
britney murphy’s husband died isn’t that ridiculous and
crazy never figured that guy would be out there jogging
i mean was it a heart attack or drugs drugs
yeah that’s what they’re saying hmm
i mean it ain’t wheatgrass
juice that killed that fat fuck
i mean look at them
everybody was wondering why how that
related equinox
you want to want the protein
drink or do
you want to
look at it you see a guy who’s that fucking fat with a
movie star hottie for a wife
and she’s got a drug problem well that’s
where fucking
drugs are coming from they’re coming from the fat guy
i mean it doesn’t take sherlock
holmes to figure that one out that’s pretty simple yeah
man that’s a big problem out here isn’t it
drugs drugs are a huge problem in hollywood
and prescription drugs are the most
the biggest one that’s the one that
doesn’t get talked
about everybody’s on pills
i can’t tell you how many times someone has offered me
oxys people have offered me vicodins
people have offered me xanaxes just offering them
like you want some gum
hey you want a vicodin
you want a prescription drug you want some
oxys fucking
oxys man people are giving out heroin
if anyone’s giving out any nexium
let me know that’s stomach acid
medication i’m trying to get it’s
scary dude it’s scary
bringing human beings into this
world knowing that it’s just
gonna get more and more fucking crazy so
baby rogue at number two was just born the other day
and this is the craziest part of the
birth process
the birth process is totally normal you know
it’s all great and everything baby comes out beautiful
everything’s healthy everyone’s happy but
when a chick gives
birth to a baby and the baby comes out of her
pussy it tears her taint
it tears the line between the butthole and the vajayjay
and they have to sew the
tainted love
so the baby comes out okay
and the doctor has the baby i cut the cord
everything’s happy
we take the baby the baby goes
to the incubator
where they have to you know
clean it up and all that jazz
so while this is all happening the doctor
starts stitching okay
my wife is holding the baby okay
my wife’s holding the baby and she’s so
happy but she had an epidural
so she’s numb from the waist down
so she’s got this epidural
she’s not feeling shit and she’s
happy and smiley
she’s holding the baby meanwhile
her legs are up in the stirrups
and her vagina is a fucking scene from hellraiser
this dude is just hooks
and pulling
and hooks and pulling
just fish hooks
just digging into me and it’s not like one or two times
he’s fucking getting
in there he wants to tighten that shit up for me
and you pay him
extra for a couple more stitches oh
no he’s doing
he’s that’s like an old joke between men you know
hey doctor is a
twenty but a couple
extra stitches in that way
but no dude he is just
digging in but it was so surreal
watching the
scene because
on one hand here’s my wife
with this new baby
and she’s super
excited and there’s so much love in the air
and the baby’s
crying and nestling up with her
and there’s tears coming down her face and she’s so
happy and this huge
smile and then
three feet below that
is a fucking horror movie
i mean they’re just hooks
hooks hooks
wow yeah dude and then she has to wear a diaper
because you know
it’s all it’s
blood and the
whole area is a mess so she’s got these
crazy granny panties on
with this big
like giant super maxi
pad diaper type
thing stuffed
nice to her pussy
are we doing this now we’re
gonna sit back i feel very uncomfortable now i feel
more comfortable now doing this out of perspective
but you’re supposed to
everything i’ve read nothing i
would know but
you’re supposed to
never look right as it is why do you say that
i looked the
first time that’s
gonna haunt you
no it did not
blow the curtain
didn’t bother me at all
really that
first time no i mean
it’s natural man it’s part of life did
those stitches
come out by themselves or did they have to get yeah
that thing might be that what’s that who passes out
cause even you telling that story
it’s why i lean back i’m like
it’s real shit dude yeah
i might pass out for myself i’ve seen a lot of
trauma you know i thought
about that the
other day like
you know like
a fireman or a policeman they’ve seen way more
trauma than
right you know
they see a lot more
crazy shit than i do
but compared to the average person
i mean almost
every week i see somebody get
fucking senseless
i like like almost
every week i’m so oblivious to that
like when i see like
fights break out at clubs or something like that
i mean i always get like
i might want to get the fuck out of here but
i never get
uncomfortable i’m like
i see this all the time
like i’m always seeing
broken bones and
giant fucking facial gashes and
blood everywhere
so i’m watching this with this
clinical disconnect
well this guy is
digging fucking
hooks it’s like pinhead
what was the one where the
skin was stretched back that’s what it’s like just
and he’s going in there and he and
he had to change hooks at one time to get a bigger hook
to go deeper
cause they do levels
cause the whole
taint is is like ripped apart
and the fucking baby’s got my head
big fucking head baby
and this fucking
and it just rips just tears open
yeah dude it’s extreme shit and then
after the baby’s out
they pull this placenta bag out
and the placenta
bag this is
where the baby you know this is the sack
where the baby was living you know
inside to eat
no they pull it out do
they pull it out and it’s like
it’s like an alien
it’s like some
alien creatures like an
octopus was living in people you girls
push it yeah
yeah they cook it up
very strange yeah yeah they fry it with eggs
they fry it rather like eggs i keep doing that
which is probably very annoying
it’s what what you talk
bananas was something i couldn’t stop saying the
other day sometimes i got a word in
my head like that is fucking bananas and it just gets
stuck and it got
stuck for like the
whole two hour podcast
so anyway my advice to you
is don’t look below the curtain you should look
you should look you
should know what the fuck is going on
you gotta be able to handle it as a
human as a man especially
well there’s nothing like that you ever prepared for
you know so
i mean i could probably watch
fights all day
long well you you have a stepdaughter you ever thought
about shooting a live one into the missus and making a
making a real one
we’ve never not
tried but obviously
you know so you have
tried yeah but
never not you
know but you’ve been trying to have a baby this
whole time you with her but
what five years now
wow you want i don’t know how but then i’m like well i
travel all the time and then i hear you you’re
knocking them out
everything are you are you
on i do are you no i don’t i don’t think i
travel when you do
um are you um
getting your balls
checked right now i went
got got that
thing whatever the number is it’s like
twenty two million is average like i had like
i was in the sixties or
seventies so you’re good
yeah so she’s got a broken box
or something or i’m
never home that i don’t
understand cause then i
watch like the
have you ever fucked her
thirty days in a row
no whoa welcome to
marriage ladies and gentlemen no all you
people out there fucking
girlfriend three times a day
i think that you like man i
wouldn’t change if i got married
yeah it would yeah you’re gonna
you’re gonna stop fucking your wife so hard
on the road like
for me somebody wednesday through sunday
you know some months are less than others but let’s
say bitch i’m on the road
this is real talk
how the fuck you
expect me get you pregnant when i’m in mississippi
how much do you think it feels
talk free sperm
it’s a lot do you want to freeze your loads i’m
thinking lately
if everything adds up why not just free
sperm get your shit
snipped and then
not have to
worry what if your fucking
sperm gets all thawed out one day yeah power out
fuck what if you put
it in two separate locations like mom’s fridge in ohio
and then some science lab in
california hmm
okay i guess you
could do that
mom’s fridge
i’d rather free stem
cells you’re
gonna make some retired baby son
mom’s fridge was shitty
it wasn’t totally frozen you’re
gonna have some half life tell
my kid he smells like otter
pops i used to have a joke about that
there was a
group that was trying to take
it was called the
second coming project
they were trying to take
dna from the shroud of turin
you know the shroud of
turin is supposed to be the
cloth that covered jesus
and they were
gonna take dna from the shroud of
turin and do a
clone of jesus
they’re gonna make a clone
and give birth this
clone baby and that
would be the
messiah they
would bring
jesus back to life with technology
and i was like that’s all well and good but the
technology behind cloning has not been perfected yet
i mean like when they made dolly the
sheep dolly’s fucking dead
you know and there’s a lot of
things that
they make that come out all fucked up and they die
like what if they made a retarded
jesus like that was the joke
like if jesus came back and they gave
birth to him but he had down syndrome
like would they
still follow him he just wants to go bowling and the
joke the joke was like he’s the messiah
dude he’s fucking shit in his pants he’s drooling
over something
it might be a test
it might be a test
bring that joke back
yeah instead of turning
water into wine
he would turn like cat shit into cookies
i like the cookies yeah
drool’s all
over his cookies make sure nobody else eats them
so he’s the messiah
that’s good instead of
crosses everybody be wearing helmets
look man if there was really if they really
knew for sure that they had something that had the
blood of christ on it and they knew
that there was some technology
i guarantee you there’s be some wackos that
would be convinced that that
would be the way that
jesus would be coming back
is like they were supposed to do it and that is how
you know it’s through
technology that the the christ
manifests itself
in this in this dimension and this this time and era
there’s a lot of people that believe that there’s
i’m following some guys on twitter right now
some creationists
my fucking god
their arguments are scary
i’m just listen to them talk
about these
i’m following dudes that
think the earth is ten thousand years old
and they get in arguments all day with people
their entire day is consisted of
consists of
arguing with people
about the origins of the earth
about how old the
earth is and
about how complex cells are
and how these
things would be impossible to create
just random
guy i love people
like that that’s when you jump on and go yeah
jesus was an operating
system and you just fuck with him you know
go crazy and just
troll with him and act like you’re being serious
to piss him off do you
i don’t act like i’m being serious i don’t i don’t
troll them either most of the time i just read it
i like i like listening to people
when they have the real arguments when they get really
angry like really go back and forth with each other
about shit that
you don’t have a goddamn clue
about like you’re telling me that the
human eye is
too complex so that’s why there’s a god like really
for real that’s
their argument
what a nutty ass fucking argument
that it’s too complicated for my
stupid ass i don’t
understand how it works
so there must be a god meanwhile they just created the
first artificial cell
have you did you read about that
they made a
synthetic cell
they made the very
first synthetic cell
which is the the beginning of us creating life
which is what supposedly god did
look if human beings evolved
if we’re at right now
if we live and manage
not to blow ourselves up or hit peak oil or whatever
and 100 million years from now we’re still here
how much more fucking advanced are we
gonna be than we are right now
what we can do
right now if we can make an artificial cell right now
if we can put
satellites into orbit
transmit data
wirelessly across the entire planet instantly
what kind of insane
innovations are we
going to have a million years from now
10 million years
100 million years
we’ll be undiscernable from gods we’ll be able
to create our own universes we’ll be able to literally
create our own dimensions our own universes
there will be scientists that figure out ways to
break boundaries
through this
world and into the next
fucking wormholes through
space and time all that shit is
gonna happen
you know all that shit is on the way a hundred percent
so how the fuck do you know that that’s not what
there’s there’s a lot of scientists that
absolutely believe that the universe
that we live in may very well be just some sort of
model that’s being run by some
super intelligent being
hmm that we literally
we are we are running inside like some sort of a
system those scientists love smoking pot
most scientists do
dude carl sagan
was a huge pothead
why would you not be a pothead if you’re a scientist
scientists are supposed to be
thinking around
sitting around
thinking about cool shit
right right why
would you not want to be high when you’re
thinking about cool shit
like if you watch a
space documentary
space documentaries are my favorite
things to watch
i love watching
space documents
cause it just
they just put it all in perspective like
sometimes you have to
watch them two or
three times to really get what they’re saying
cause it’s so fucked up
but when you
watch them sober they’re not nearly as interesting
when you watch them high on weed
we never tried on weed
if you do it on
smoking pot
watches big documentaries
you know carl sagan
used to smoke weed
every fucking day
carl sagans
thing was he
would smoke pot and that’s
where we get his ideas from
i mean he wrote
about my signature on the broken
board is all carl sagan
is that you
yeah my problem though with
watching these documentaries like you just had me
watch a documentary the
other day yes
collapse collapse and my problem with
these documentaries is it just takes one little
thing for me to just get thrown off the
tracks and believe in belief you know
well you don’t have to believe in documentaries i don’t
i don’t believe most the documentaries i i listen to or
watch what i do is i just try to see
even if this guy’s wrong
about a lot of shit
does he have
points because i know a lot of people who are
wrong about a lot of shit but
every now and then they’ll say something
like okay here’s a perfect example alex jones
alex jones is not
right all the time he’s just not
some of the
stuff that he believes is fucking crazy
and i don’t
understand it i listen to him
and i see the
connections that he’s making when he says that
he’s got proof and
we have the documents
and alex is a friend of mine and i love the guy
but i listen to his
connections and i’m like this is illogical this is your
you want to come to this
conclusion and that’s how you
found it but
every now and
then more than
every now and
then a lot he’ll say shit that i know is right
i mean it’s just facts yeah but the problem is a lot of
these people are
using how they present
these facts
quote unquote
is almost like
a used car salesman trying to sell you you know
jelly beans
it’s like like this guy last
night he was saying
things and i used car
spells in nineteen forty yeah
boy that car sales was trying to fuck you
well what they sell you a car buddy
like like i was having a problem with the documentary
i watched last night because
he was saying a lot of things i’m like that
is that really true
like how he said i was kind of like
he said that
weird does that mean it’s not true or not okay and then
i researched it last night and he
actually that’s
known for that guy
for saying things like
a news report had something on about say oil
that he would say
even fox news has reported on it you know
and how he’s saying it gives you the
impression that they were
right about what
they reported
on but they’re not they just reported on it but
he says it’s so fast kind of like a used car salesman
that you’re kind of just subconsciously
going oh no the news reported on it you know
he’s a very compelling
speaker and what we’re talking
about is the michael rupert
movie and it’s called collapse
and what it’s all
about it’s about peak oil
and it’s all
about how the
world is gonna fall
apart because they’re
gonna run out of oil
and will have no way to get goods
to people and groceries and shit and there’d
be no way to get around we can’t manufacture anything
cause everything’s made with plastic
and another
thing like so i was
thinking this the
whole time while i’m
watching the documentary then he said something i
blatantly knew he was lying on
and i’m like you blatantly knew blatantly knew
he was blatantly
lie if i put that word in
front of it sounds
more important so
he said that cell phone
companies have been
slipping on maintenance of their
towers at all time high and that
all the cell
phone towers
are not getting maintenance
did he say that yes and that pretty soon we are
going to have even
worse cell phone coverage
i know for a fact that
right now at amp
t verizon and
everything are on so on top of
their game when it comes to cell
phone towers
and maintenance and repairs and
building their
systems up at
the highest they’ve ever been in
and i have an app on my iphone called at amp
t mark the spot
every time i get a
dropped call or i have problems with my service
it automatically geotags
the location that you’re at and it sends it to at amp
t so they have it on
their file so they know where the
towers are doing bad
i’ve been doing that ever
since the app came out the
other day they sent me an
email to our text message out of the blue going
hey just so you know
we’ve been getting all your reports and
thank you because of your reports we’ve decided to
build a new tower
by your house
it will be in
effect in the next two months
thank you for
continuing to
use this application it really helps us out a lot
and so right there i can tell you
right now that’s
something they didn’t do five years ago on at amp
t’s network
you know i was having bad servers there five years ago
i’m screwed
i know for a fact that that statement
alone that he made in that documentary was bullshit
so that means
everything else
that he’s doing when he’s crying and petting his dog
and acting like
some kind of
faggot i know i
can’t believe
anything that guy says well it gets even better
here’s where it gets better
first of all why you gay
if you pet your dog
first of all he was
he lost a sexual harassment suit
125 000 dollars and whatever back wages so it
would be like
127 000 dollars
from some woman who was working for him he
made a sexual advance and showed up at the door in his
underwear that was like his move and
she freaked
out and she’s like i don’t want any part of this
so she got rid of him
or she you know told him she’s not
gonna fuck him and he fired her
and so she sued and she won
she won 125 000
so this guy’s you know
fucked financially because of that
but the type of person that does that
that first of all
tries to fuck
their employees
at like 50 something years
old alright this ain’t a 20 year old kid who just like
taking a wild chance
somebody gives them
some shitty advice
like maybe you
should just whip your dick out really you sure
i’ve know i’ve
given people that advice before
and you fucking hear from
their friends you know
the next day dude what
the fuck you told me to pull my dick out she fucking
screamed and
called the cops and like whoa you
gotta know when to pull your dick out
you can’t just pull it out with everybody you
crazy fuck that
was a move that my roommates in college always did i
never had the
guts to do it but they said if the girl won’t
hook up with you like you’re making out you’re on the
thing just pull it out and
start beating off yeah and that she’s
gonna do two
things she’s either gonna one
going to help you or two be so offended and leave but
you kind of
swing in for that
other 50 you
gotta take a chance
you gotta know who you’re taking the chance with though
right and you don’t do it with a
chick who’s fucking working for you like this
crazy asshole
yeah another
thing about the movie that
drove me nuts was him
talking about how
he just likes to
go on long walks
with his dogs like dude you just talked
about the end of fucking
civilization people are
gonna starve to death
an hour and a half why are you telling
cigarettes yeah
while you’re smoking
cigarettes like a retard
that’s another
thing i was
gonna get into that too
look you might be intelligent and
smoke cigarettes but that is a fucking
stupid thing to do smoking cigarettes
is something that everyone with a
brain should figure
out and we should
get when you’re talking
about the end of the
world and yeah
you’re talking
about the end of
civilization people are
gonna suffer meanwhile
dude you’re
gonna rot out the inside real soon
you’re in your 50s and you’re fucking
chain smoking
while you talk
right you’re giving this doom and gloom lecture
and he’s got his dog comes over to him
and he’s like
i just like to go on walks with my dog like
this motherfuckers like a character in a movie
he’s like a character in a jack london book
you know is
like the man who knows
about it and
all he does he goes on walks he’s not blogging
about it anymore he’s not writing
he’s just preparing for the collapse like
so i saw that and i’m like this guy
is all doom and gloom and has a vested interest
the other thing that i didn’t like is
how much pride he took in being
right about
past things that fucked up
oh we were so
right we so nailed my
cream listen
douchebag a lot of people saw the fucking housing
bubble asshole a lot of people saw that there was
gonna be an economic collapse
you’re not the only person that
predicted the fucking
stock market was
gonna crash
because of an over inflated housing market
because of all the fucking
the interest that’s out there
right now that people can’t pay off and
crazy fucking credit card debt and all sorts of
bullshit that’s
going on wall street
a lot of people knew that was
happening just
imagine the shit that cut from that interview you know
there was probably one time where he
started taking off his
clothes and asking for massages from the camera guy and
stuff there was probably all like a
ton of shit that he was saying
that was brian
you think you’re
just getting out
of line i’m just saying that guy was
i could just
could not believe
a word that dude was saying there’s something
about it something
about and then
so i go on i
go okay now i have to find out is peak oil a real
thing is there some debate
of whether peak oils real thing
so i go online and i see this
geologist has a
peak oil by the
way for what people don’t know a peak oil is the
point of oil
whereas the top
like the highest amount of oil we’ll ever have
in this country or in the world
so once we’re at
production it reaches a peak and then it declines
so there will be less and less oil
and they’ll get to a
point eventually
where we’ll run out of oil
until we can make oil
yes well what this guy was saying in the ted
talk and ted
if you don’t know i don’t remember what the acronym ted
stands for but the the
ted talks online are all
these like super
geniuses to talk
man fucking
get lost on there and they talk talking
about different different subjects and one of them last
night was a guy
it was talking
about oil and
the fucking trillions and trillions of barrels of oil
that we have discovered all over the world
and that geologists know exactly
where it is
and that we just have to
figure out ways to get it from all
these different
places so i’m listening to this guy
and he’s like
we’re not going to run out of oil what we’re
gonna do is
eventually we’re
gonna come up with something that can replace oil and
his argument was kind of
weird too he said the
stone age did not end because we ran out of
stones yeah
i thought that was kind of
okay yeah i see what you’re saying but
that’s fucking dumb of course with
stones don’t
power anything stupid
you know like you know you know i’m saying
like stones
using to make
things okay yeah i see your
point but look this a lot more complicated
scenario going on with our
we require oil for everything
for fucking food
we require oil for vitamins we require oil for
medicine to a point
but you also you’re getting a lot of that from that
drama queen no no i’m
getting that
from ground
you don’t need oil
oh brian yeah you do
what what the fuck is
gonna power the tractors what
no no no no to you
i’m in my backyard
planting a okay you’re
gonna go are you
gonna order
this somewhere i’m
gonna get on a fucking donkey
and travel somewhere
you have to take into account
shipping you have to take into account
travel you have to take into account
where does everything you buy come from and what is
everything you’re buying made out of
and the seeds you’re gonna buy
most likely are
gonna be in some fucking packaging even if it’s
paper it’s gonna have
paint on the package that
paint’s gonna be made out of oil all
right to a point
but what if you have that’s a big
point dude well no
no also the
point is all
right oil is gone
today all right no oil left
all right i also
could just go to my mom
hey mom do you have a seed yeah i have a
whole box of seeds over there
can i have them okay
let me take
these seeds in my backyard and
plant and how you
fuck you gonna get to your mom’s
house in ohio if you know
i’m just saying if she
lived next to me
well what if she
doesn’t mean
you got no oil
son you get what i said you
know you’re
ridiculous all right
i jump on a bicycle
and my mom go to ohio
right and what do you
think makes the tires of
that bicycle
five months what makes the tires on the bicycle
what if you
have my tires
got my tires what if they’re
blown out in my
story there’s no
more tires left
and they’re
blown out then i’ll use my feet and i’ll walk there
it’s gonna take two years
get some fucking you’re
gonna starve to
death because there’s
gonna be no food i’m
gonna travel
to get that food to you
with with trucks
look dude and you know
well that’s the problem
it’s this argument
about ethanols that it takes more energy to create
ethanol than you
get out of it says one report out of 5 000 reports
that well you didn’t research that yes i did
i went on last night to wikipedia
cause i researched this for fucking
wikipedia it’s completely i was up till 5 am last
night researching this dumbass
from this stupid movie
michael you think michael rupert is a dumbass
he’s being evicted by
his own apartment
i know retards that are not getting
evicted from their own
apartment and this
guy i’m supposed to believe in he’s getting evicted
they said during the filming of this
movie he was getting evicted
oh really you’re getting
evicted wow
my sister can’t even get
evicted and she
makes like five
bucks a day you know
yeah but he’s not making any
money he’s trying to warn the
world he’s out there saying oh that’s
why he’s falling
this guy’s the
second dvd he’s making
doesn’t have a website isn’t he going
nationwide and having
speeches at holiday inns
oh the ends where you going i mean
does he have like big conferences that he does
speak well he’s doing them now because of the
movie the movie is getting a lot of attention
before that he did that too
yeah but nobody was paying attention to him back then i
think brian has an oil company i
just yeah brian
does not like him a guy
look well i
think a check
i think for sure
for sure we ratted
out to our country man
what what did you say just kidding
what did you say there ratted out our country ratted
out our country
he’s the one that
ratted out what
cia for doing in drugs and stuff
yeah he was an lapd officer
and he busted the michael rupert
and he busted the cia
delivering drugs to the poor neighborhoods
which is fucking
absolutely true
which is another
thing like we were talking
about like the alex
jones thing
like the alex
jones thing
where there’s a guy who’s
right about some shit
you know and he’s
right about that and he was
right about the cia delivering drugs into
these bad neighborhoods and selling drugs
i mean that was like a
rumor back then
but that shit has been proven now i mean there’s
there’s so many different cases
where so many different like
barry seals in mina arkansas
that’s a good one there’s
people who are
pilots that have come
clean about it
there’s the cia
drug plane that
crashed in mexico last year with
four tons of cocaine in it i mean it’s
it’s a lot of fucking
money man it’s a lot of
money and if they’re willing to go
places and kill people you don’t
think they’re willing to sell drugs that’s ridiculous
the people that are
in charge of the government the people at the highest
levels of government have access to
all sorts of shit that we don’t and
the fact that there’s billions and
billions of dollars to be made in drugs and that drugs
those drugs are
gonna get sold anyway you know
why wouldn’t they sell them
so he’s right about that
he’s definitely
right about that
but this peak oil thing man
he’s all doom and gloom
and the end of the world and
no won’t note there’s nothing that’s
gonna possibly replace it
can you fucking say that
can you say that
yeah that well that guy in that
ted conference was talking about that
we used to use wood
but then we got used font
technology yeah we read that you saw the same
yes so that
would now there used to be a way for us to have
energy now that’s gone and now we move to this and then
right and then we
learned from that and then we move on to the next thing
so he was saying that what natural gas
and some other type of stuff that
the problem is man we make so much
shit with oil
it’s fucking insane
everything in this room
is made with oil your goddamn computers made with oil
everything is made
with oil isn’t there a way to make it
with oil for the most part i don’t know i
think there has to be
there has to be like
well yes making with oil is the best way
but you can also make it with corn
well maybe but i mean
think about all the oil that’s coming out in the gulf
right now 75 000 barrels a day i don’t know how many
gallons is that how many gallons is 75 000 barrels and
fucking insane insane amounts whatever the fuck it is
hundred thousand
who the fuck knows
so seventy five
to a hundred thousand gallons a day or barrels a day is
is leaking out into the
golf people are saying you can make plastic with hemp
yeah you can
i posted a thing
today on my twitter
about a hemp car from 1941
from henry ford
but i don’t know if you can make all the
shape the same shit that you can make with oil my
point is that
the amount of oil
that’s coming out just in that one area in the gulf is
insane think
about how long it
would take you to grow
that much hemp to make oil out of it
i mean it’s fucking incredible i mean you
would have to have a farm the size of the moon
you know you know
i mean this shit is just pouring out into the ocean
there’s not that enough weed to do that in the
whole world not yet not
yet how are you
gonna grow it you’re
gonna have to have skyscrapers like
sizes of like a hundred football
fields a hundred stories high
and each each
floor is hydroponics
i know in detroit
they’re thinking
about doing that
urban farming you know there’s so many
areas of detroit that there’s no homes anymore yeah
but that’s just
dirt i’m talking
about hydroponic
buildings yeah i’m talking
about gigantic fucking
buildings and even that
would not be enough weed
okay they mean think
about the oil that’s coming out of the ground right now
that’s an incredible amount of oil
when you go and you
drive down the pch you see
those offshore oil rigs
and you think
about how many of them must be out there in the
world how many different rigs
when you take that
drive from la
sienna get to the airport
you know that
drive you see
those oil rigs
you don’t think
about those
until some shit happens
and you go how many of
those are out there
how many of them are in
texas what is
those little
things those
things like
to do anything
they don’t seem like to do anything says the scientist
there’s like one little rackety
one that looks like an old farmer
mitt put up there a long time ago that
statement is how michael rupert is
gonna discredit you for discrediting him
this fool doesn’t even know that
those things
pump out thousands of barrels of gallons of oil a day
so joe i got an
email from somebody from
china that wanted us to talk
about the foxcon
suicides and if you knew anything about that
the foxcon suicide
there’s a huge company in
china that makes
called foxcon
and they make
everything like keyboard mice they make a lot
like ipods iphones they’re the ones that put together
all the computers and just
super cheap help
and foxconn i think
i want to say it’s
500 000 employees
work at it and they all live there
and they just work non stop i mean they’re talking
they wake up
work and go to bed and i
think they only get
eight hours
sleep and they go
right back to work and
anyways in the last
year i want to say or with this year
alone there’s already been 11 suicides i
think it was
and 30 attempted suicides
and i guess how many employees
i don’t know how many but
it’s a lot of employees
i would say
500 000 a lot of people trying to
kill themselves at work
i’m not sure there’s been people who
might want to have a
pizza party or something
you know on a friday you have that many people
your company
trying to kill themselves
maybe friday’s casual fun day
that’s the thing
shirt day about when it comes to like
cheap products and
cheap electronics i mean
there’s really
only one way to get a fucking netbook for 700 bucks
okay and that way is
some dude has to eat rice out of a little bowl and
sleep in a box
and he has to wake up to a whip
and fucking do it all over
again every day of the week and he
doesn’t get any days off
i mean that’s
the only way to make that shit you can’t make
that shit with
union american guys from detroit
you know it’s
gonna take too much time it’s
gonna cost too much money
one of the reasons why you can get a netbook for 600
bucks or however
i think they’re like 500
bucks right
yeah you can get them for 2 99 up really
that’s incredible
yeah but you can
get a little fucking computer for
29 but i mean when
you get on youtube you’re like oh that’s why it’s 2 99
yeah but so what dude think
about what you
could get just a few hundred
you know you know
for a few hundred dollars a couple of years ago yeah
i mean that’s a pretty incredible piece of
technology for 300
bucks i can’t
believe how much
stuff you can’t buy here i was trying to
find this company that makes scissors you know
those orange handled
junk drawer scissors that everybody has
right i was trying to find a us
based company
to make these scissors
right couldn’t do it
i’ve probably i’ve probably i’ve
given up look
googling it and trying to find
scissors manufacturers and all the
stuff it’s like
just huge and it’s just a pair of scissors
go to michael’s
you gotta go to arts and
crafts yeah
those are actually arts and crafts
is your son gonna
get on amazon
com no i know i can buy them i want to find a
place that will
produce them for
you just went
yeah yeah i mean
like different not just purchase that just went to the
wrong store dude
talking about people fucking dying
i see what he’s
saying he’s saying he wants to find a manufacturer
no but i’m saying
i can’t even find that here that everyone i
found is overseas this is
no one no one has
time here to be making scissors
we’re fucking how are we
gonna cut the trees
going to war and clogging up that hole in the
gulf that’s pumping out oil we ain’t got no
time is made
little faggy scissors with the rounded tips you little
pussy so it’s crazy about this foxcon
thing the more that’s insane the more i looked into it
right so for one thing they only get 900
chinese yen
per month which is about
130 what our
are things and this is working non stop wait a minute
they get 130 dollars a month yeah
and holy shit i didn’t know
about this how did i not how was i not aware about this
and these guys are
these guys are employed
apple employees
them sony employees them all the big guys
actually i don’t
wanna say sony does cause i’m not 100 sure
but apple does but i know for sure that
apple does and
guards beating employees like there’s all these like
stories about this
place where they have live video of like
the guards at this
place beating up the employees on tape to
china’s a motherfucker dude
yeah china is a
motherfucker there’s a billion people there
and the bottom line
about human beings is once you get into really
large numbers of us
we lose our appreciation for each other
i mean it’s just
that’s how it is with rats that’s how it is with money
i mean if you have a lot of
money fucking you drop a dollar you don’t give a shit
about it but you have five dollars
you drop a dollar that dollar is important to you
right you know and
when there’s too many goddamn people
you get to a
point where there’s
a billion people there’s not enough food and you’re
literally regulating how many children people can have
because it’s so overpopulated
you know china has a billion people
there was a billion people in the entire fucking
world up until like a hundred years ago
you know do you know how nutty that is
just couple hundred
years ago there was no more than a billion in the
whole fucking world
now they’re all in
china and who knows what the real number is man and
we don’t really know what the real number in america is
we don’t i mean it’s how
difficult is it to take a census of a billion people
by the way the census guy hid in
his car and
stalked my house
what all right a couple weeks ago we were talking
about the census remember this
where i asked you do i have to do this
anyways so i came home the other
night and there was this guy outside of my
house looking
sketchy as fuck
and then i just kind of like get in the
house get in the
house get in the
house and then
later that night
maybe four hours
later i see him sitting
in his car outside of my
house i’m like there’s that same guy
and so i’m like
okay i’m just walking to my car and
suddenly he gets out of his car looks at me
and he gets back in his car
cause i got in my car
then i came back home he was
still there i go in my
house he rings my doorbell he was from the census
and did you
ask him hey why the fuck were you sitting in
front of my
house all day i didn’t i just answered his questions
and he showed me his
how often are you
done what’s a good time about his
yeah he asked me
he showed me a census
badge and he was asking all these
crazy questions
about people that
lived here april 1st
who lived here
april 1st i’m like
actually no one
and then they’re like are you okay
but he kind of made me feel like
i was in trouble in
trouble but i wasn’t
how ridiculous is that
do they have a
right to interview
it’s the law the law is they have a
right to interview
and ask you all
these questions
at their convenience
i don’t know but he was outside my
house to make a fucking
shouldn’t be able to ring your doorbell
so i got shit to do dude
you wanna give me your
email address i’ll call you
pretty freaky
give me your
email address and i’ll call you
i think they’re like headhunters now
i think in california
the response was so bad
that they actually hired
like private eye guys
get that i know
i filled mine out and then i got one a month
later saying
sorry you’re part of the section of
senses that we lost can you redo it
so they lost like
i filled that one
twice or some guy trying to steal my
identity and just
thought again anything government man anything
with the government the problem with it is you got a
bunch of people for the most part that are
working for the government that don’t want to be there
you know that’s the fucking problem with any of
those jobs this is even
worse cause
i valet the other day
i went to the
saddle ranch on
sunset and i vow
laid and i just got in the mail a parking
ticket when they
took my car they parked it in a red zone got a
ticket took the
ticket off the car
i got a ticket
i would never have
known about it
and i owe like 130 dollars now
wow you should go there
well i told the sour
ranch and they’re like we don’t own that valet
and i call the valet
guy and they’re like we don’t do that and i’m like ugh
so i filed out this
whole thing with the
state like a hey i didn’t do this
report it’s one of the most
annoying well you’re
still responsible
one of the most
annoying and
irritating things
about la is that you got a valet
everywhere i don’t like that
shit at all have some dude just farting in your car and
right going
through your drawers
yeah you ever
had anything come up missing all the time all the time
yeah i don’t i if i can
avoid valley
i never keep
shit in my car anymore i don’t have a goddamn
thing in there have gum
yeah you want to
steal my gum go
steal my gum they always take
quarters they
record like if i have a
quarters dimes and nickels i’ll go back in and the
quarters all
gone do you ask them no i stopped even bothering
wow where’s the cam
where’s the card cams don’t they have
where we can
just set it and we’ll take it to some ballets
and then we’ll sue him for
stealing our
stuff what do you
love fucking
inside edition yeah
yeah we’ll do
our own little
and then chris
matthew whatever his name is can pop up out of the back
accident ask you why you have
those quarters in your hand exit
what i was just
gonna help a kid
actually they did it there’s a really cool
video of you google nbc
los angeles valet car
something like that did something like that there’s
a really cool report they did they busted people oh
dude it was like
seven out of ten of them they took
things yeah
yeah it’s a
show on like i’d
watch that show i
watched some bait
car show the
other day where they have this
car that they set up to let people steal
and then once they
steal it they’re driving
it’s all cammed and then the guy can shut down the car
as you drive and unlock the guys in
i’ve seen that yeah so but do that with valets that
would be awesome
how about just have a fucking parking lot
you know most the
place where you go to you don’t have
fucking valley parking everywhere
it’s just la is like lacking in space
but everyone
drives it’s not like new york
where they’re lacking space but
you take a cab or the
subway or whatever
you know no one
drives new york very few people do
you know most of people to get around other ways
but in la everybody fucking
drives but there’s
still the same
space problem
you can’t have like an expensive restaurant and a
giant parking
structure there that’s too much money
you know i avoid
places if i can’t park my car
i just don’t go there
i don’t you know
it’s very rare
it has to be
like a meeting that i have to go to or have to valet
and i’m like
i’ll park blocks away and walk
just so someone
doesn’t have to sit in my fucking car
touch my shit
i went in my car once and there was mexican
music playing
i’m like you
you found a mexican station
you know he went
right to i mean i had it on
satellite radio he
switched to am
went right to his mexican station how long is he
driving for
you know what i mean yeah what the fuck exactly
yeah that’s a terrible part
about living in la
i remember there was a comedy club i used to work out
where you’d have to valet and
every time i come back i noticed my gas was completely
gone and it was in michigan so what the guy would do
he’d go well he’s just the mc
they would sit in my car
throughout the whole show
i keep warm
the heat on
wow and burn up all the gas
and then when
at the show is over then they give me my car back
wow you say something to him i said something to the
owner or whatever then i remember the guy who in the
place gave me ten bucks
and goes quit your wine and gave me a
wine and it was probably
about 19 years old
yeah quit your whining
i kept your
car running
i’ve been farting in your car been
sitting here doing whatever
smoking cigarettes
oh yeah probably
you know back then
sure and and the
other problem is if you have a nice car
and you drop your shit off at a valet look
they you know the people that are working in valets
they don’t have nice shit
you know and you have this i mean
they’re working they’re poor
they’re either
college kids are trying to buy
or their immigrants that are probably illegally
you know and they don’t have enough
money to afford a bmw or whatever
the fuck you have mercedes or something like that
so when they
get this car they almost feel like
like like who the fuck are you to have this you know
there’s a lot of people that have that attitude
a lot of poor people that have that attitude that
why the fuck do you deserve this attitude
i remember when i was a kid this guy keyed this car and
i go why the
fuck did you key that car was like a nice car
and he goes he gives a fuck guy’s a rich asshole
i’m like the guy’s a rich asshole
cause he has a nice car yeah
what a what a
weird attitude and that’s an attitude a lot of people
share there’s a big that that
mentality of like you know
screw the rich or the rich soccer
bubble while you’re like and then i always
think yes screw
those guys for
making goals
setting outcomes for themselves getting educations
i had a guy insult
me call me a rich asshole once
yeah but i was driving a fucking
but i was driving a fucking suburban
it wasn’t even like a rich car it was just a
white suburban
and the guy cut me off
and you know and and and somehow
another you know he he yelled something out the window
and i yell some go fuck yourself
he goes fuck
you you fucking rich asshole like that was his
that was that was a part of his insult that i was rich
yeah yeah what
about when somebody ran into your car recently
and they were like come on you have a lot of
money oh yeah yeah i paid for that dude
that girl’s broke
but the only reason why i did it was
cause she was an assistant to someone that i know who’s
an executive yeah but the fact
that she even said that yeah she goes you’re not even
gonna miss it i’m like
this is gonna cost like
three thousand
bucks to fix
yeah but she didn’t
have insurance it was a fucking disaster and she was
drunk you know i
should have got her arrested but
i’m like you shouldn’t be driving
drunk you fucking dumb slut
yeah by the way
i say things like that to people too by the way
when they hit your car
you can call them dumb sluts
kick ass was one of the best
movies i’ve ever seen told you
god i love that
movie fucking
phenomenal little girl
i just wanna like
i love how in the
movie they actually even said something like it like
i like how you went from someone scratches up your car
oh yeah direct
driving random
movie reviews by
brian redband i was just
thinking of her
i haven’t had macaroni and cheese in a while
out of nowhere
that’s what kind of tight ship we run over here
we stay on subject
yeah if you try
to like follow like a mind map of the subjects that we
cover on this fucking thing
stoners paradise of rambles
but i had a guy like that you know say something
about being rich or
whatever and it’s i
think a lot of people forget like well me for a comic
i was doing
stand up for
what fifteen sixteen years before i made any real
money it’s a dumb insult i did
yeah it’s a dumb insult you’re
successful at the game of money
that’s all that’s a dumb insult
you fucking successful
winner at the game of money
it’s the dumbest insult of all time
cause that’s all it is and
you might be
successful at the game of
money cause somebody gave you a
bunch of chips
you might have been born rich or you
might have made it yourself
but either way what the fuck kind of insult is that
and what the fuck is it with people
when they don’t have it and
other people do
i remember jimmy kimmel was talking to this lady once
he was on larry king live and he was talking to this
woman who had a
some sort of a service
where they would give you a map of the stars
houses and she
would like had
always a stalker website that’s what it was
and she would like they
would put up updates like this guy
is here and this guy’s there and you go like find out
where stalker is that what it is
stalker com
don’t give her any advertising fuck that cunt
anyway she she was on
and he said don’t you
think that this is kind of dangerous like you’re giving
stalkers the the the
the current
whereabouts of all
these people
and she goes oh
well they’ll be able to cry them
sleeps and piles of
cry themselves asleep in piles of money
like that was her
response to it like she didn’t feel responsible
even though she’s putting
these people in harm’s danger because they have money
and like she thought it was like a valid
thing to say like they’ll be able to cry themselves to
sleep in their piles of
money like wow
what a weird way of looking at the world
you know yeah i’m
gonna put you in danger
and you know
deal with it
because yeah you can deal with it you’ve got money
whoa really
and she felt
that you know
she felt like that’s a valid
valid explanation you know she felt like
you know there’s a lot of
angry people when it comes to celebrities
look at lindsay
lohan’s and
all the shit if that happened to anybody else they
would be in jail they love lindsay
with her they
show you know that
whole thing she didn’t go
to jail she has to wear this little bracelet you know
even though she’s
lying about a passport even though she’s lying
about all this shit so that’s why they’re mad
hmm was she was supposed to go to all
these drug and alcohol
classes and then
she missed her
court date yeah i know the
whole story who gives a fuck here’s
here’s what am i taking the
story she’s a little kid
little kid that got
famous and rich like little kid
that kidnapped
two other people that ran
from the cops
drunk driving was caught with cocaine
was you know like chicken
people yeah two people
how’d you kidnap them they were in the backseat and
wouldn’t stop
the car and she was out running from the cops
but they’re the ones that are suing
and it’s like it’s like
like all this like
crazy seven charges
but yeah she’s not seeing one you know
going to jail at all if that
would happen
to me i’ll be fucking in jail
still okay is that true or is it because the prison
systems in la are
super overcrowded you know that
right you know that they’re releasing violent prisoners
secretly like it’s a
they’re having like real problems
california is
completely broke i’ll give you
some insight
right yeah i’ll give you some inside info
this girl’s
not supposed to be doing any drugs or any alcohol
right now it’s
because she’s on probation
right i know you
gonna rat her out i am
gonna rat her out don’t rat around i’m
going to wrap her
up right now
say allegedly
don’t be a rat
brian all right
don’t you gonna get her locked in a cage
all right never mind
i won’t i won’t say anything
what do you know
do you know some shit yeah i know a lot of shit
she’s a little kid dude if you were
in that situation you’d be a hundred times worse okay
i will not talk
about her anymore i’m
sorry there you go
good for you
didn’t she get
famous when
she was like fucking 16 or something like that well
younger than that she’s been that
wacky friday or
freaky friday
where you played a twin
you know herself
so she’s a disney little kid she’s a disney girl wow
it’s gotta be
crazy man go from a disney
girl to a party slut
known party slut
jet setting ginger
wearing a fucking
alcohol bracelet
so how does she piss clean
i don’t drink that shit they buy the head shop
probably i piss
clean five times
you know and i i’m just like was a poor ohio guy and
how did you push
clean well otherwise
a couple ways there’s either the shit you
drink that’s like
gatorade that just dilutes
your test to you what company there’s a
few of them
is for different
different companies
one was gateway one was
i forget how hilarious is the
fucking pot
yeah test you for pot like you can’t even
smoke pot on the weekend if you work at gateway
like jesus fucking christ will you let me
enjoy my weekend
right i get off friday i’ve been
slinging shitty fucking computers for pennies
all week giving you most of my waking hours
and you won’t let me have a fucking joint on saturday
i can’t watch a
movie i can’t smoke a joint and go see avatar
really that you fucking cunt what was
great is this one place actually sold real urine
that you warm up and you
put in between your crotch so when you go to do the pee
thing it stays warm because
it’s in between your legs and it’s actually not your
urine and they get your urine like
congratulations you passed the test and you’re pregnant
right you may want to go see
what kind of piss are you
gonna get though how do you know it’s
clean piss i
guess you don’t
kevin randallman got busted with
non human urine
yeah it was either
synthetic urine
or it was urine from a dead person
because there was no hormones in the urine
like they they tested his
urine and like yeah yeah there’s no steroids
there’s no anything else either in here fucker
like with apple
juice yeah what is this shit
it was some
synthetic fucking fake
urine thing
that he got you know
i don’t know this person’s used the fake p
four times they said
hmm fake pee
yeah you can get well you know i
think it depends on the sophistication of the test but
some places they test your fucking hair dude
the little hair sample
yeah here they have shampoo for that
do they yep you just put the shampoo on before your
thing and it
kills all the th
senior have it does something
well i know nick diaz passes
those tests like a
motherfucker and he
smokes a lot of weed
and he passes i mean he’s got popped in i think
i think he got popped in vegas
when he beat go
me yeah that’s what it was he turned turned a positive
and they said that he had so much weed in his system
it was like he got high and then fought
he might have done that he says he didn’t but
you know he
smokes so much weed though
it’s probably in his
system all the time
he probably just forgot to take whatever he does to
clean himself out
you know i don’t know what you got to do
you gotta drink a lot of
water i know that
right i have a
buddy that is a medical
he does stuff with rats and cocaine
he doesn’t get drug tested
but it’s funny
because you’re around every day
rats and cocaine
you know there’s a big problem
with doctors and doctors getting addicted to drugs
there’s a book called dead doctors don’t lie
and it’s all about how
little information doctors know
about nutrition
how little information they’re
given in med
school about
nutrition and how many of
them wind up getting addicted to prescription drugs and
all the shit they can prescribe for themselves
fucking a lot man
you know you think
about how many doctors are out there and
their buddies with
other doctors
like i need a
script for this you
know hook me up and
i’ll hook you up with some xanax and
you just give it
is weird as one of the
medications i got for my stomach acid
was supposed
to be approved by insurance company because
it has to get specially approved because one of its
i things that happens when you take it
it makes you test positive for thc
what yeah it makes you test positive
for thc well you
should tell
the insurance
company that you have to test positive for thc
for your job i
know because
he works for me
and that’s what i require
i require a positive piss test
if he’s out
there you know making creative shit and making
videos and stuff
i don’t want i’m
not a little bit high
brian i like your sexy
businessman jacket it’s a new look with the
the new woman
is that what it is i had breakfast with
three women
last night really
breakfast with
three women last
night this morning
eating eggs and fucking at six
had six boobs
spinning the
night last night really you
three chicks over your house yeah
where they sleep
real talk real talk
didn’t i buy you and all your
girlfriend’s breakfast this morning real talk
didn’t you have
two other bitches over my house
sleeping real talk
wow so what’s the difference if i find two
other ones when i’m all by myself
brian what’s it like
going from zero to hero
very nice tell us tell us all
about it mmm
i don’t know did you ever
think from the days of living in ohio
that you would be in the predicament that you’re at now
can we even say what predicament you’re in now
see i’m in this i was in the same predicaments in ohio
not this one son for ohio
yeah the ratio
this thing we’re not judging shit
on a scale son
you don’t wanna talk
about it no
no okay we’re
gonna have to move on
ladies and gentlemen
this is a touchy subject from a man
i’m dating lindsay
lohan no he’s not
ladies and gentlemen if he was he
would definitely
not rat her out you’d have to be a serious cunt
to be dating lindsay lohan
and then try to rat her out
well i’m very mad at her
why would you be mad at her because i
think she cheated on me and cans what someone
in cans yeah
you think so
she got a new tattoo supposedly
as well yeah her new girlfriend that’s what i’m mad
about so i don’t care what you think wow
you funky ass friends real talk
that’s right the fan exposed this weekend huh
what’s the fan x oh the you the
ufc fan expo yeah this weekend is a big ufc
rampage versus rashad
that’s gonna be fucking nuts
that’s a that’s a sick fight
let’s go to the message board to joe rogan net
the forums and see what i said you were
the winner of season one last comic
series i fucked up but this guy sumo
he corrected
me happened so long ago he’s in the fact police
is this guy this is the kind of questions i get
weird motherfuckers
is it ignorant to attempt to
define the universe
in absolutes rather than referring to it as a
grand mystery
or rather the
effect the effort to try to define
or understand
the un understandable that dude has
smelly feet
yeah for sure
right un understandable
i’m not even
gonna answer it just
cause that you try to
sneak that through
you can’t you can’t have a
legitimate question and have un
understandable in that question real talk real
talk you can’t use it on in front of a word that’s
that shit doesn’t make any sense with an on
but yeah nobody can
define the fucking universe it’s ridiculous
we were trying we’re struggling it’s impossible
will this be the doom podcast
yeah this is the
the i reject your doom podcast that’s what it is
it’s not the doom podcast
watching that movie collapse and
i got nervous after i watch it and i thought
about it for a while and i was thinking
about it i was like
this is a trick
like you can think this way
you know and you can get all fucking flustered and
freaked out about the
world or you can just enjoy the shit out of this
you know this is some asshole that’s sitting around his
house saying that
his favorite thing to do is walk his dog on the beach
no it’s not the guy to listen to
right brian
lindsay shits her underwear so much
every time i find them in the bathroom she has
stains all over her
underwear she’s the first girl i’ve ever
you think that’s from drugs
you’re a twelve year old i was just
talking about you really are fucking twelve
you’re not banging lindsay lohan just shut your mouth
meanwhile his girls hotter than lindsay lohan
how ridiculous is that
that sounds like a ridiculous statement right
no she’s hot
that’s pretty easy she’s hotter my
ankles hotter than lindsay
lohan right whoa what are you talking
about you and banger fucking lindsay
lohan she’s a mess dude
you wouldn’t bang her
no really no
i’d rather befron likes messes
right don’t you you like crazy bitches don’t you
you like them when they’re all fucked up a little bit
right well i mean
when you’re
younger sure you know like some really fucked up
are you fear
are you fear like so suicide bitches
oh really yeah he likes
to talk about it
no suicide girls oh i get you
you know those girls with all those
crazy tattoos on their tits and shit like that
porn star lindsay or suicide girls
porn star suicide girls yeah those dirty bitches
there’s like bombshell mcgee looking girls
by the way that chicks on a fucking
cover of a magazine i was at
barnes and noble yesterday
and looking through the magazines and inked
the the magazine
right on the fucking cover
is that michelle bombshell mcgee that chick that fucked
yeah what’s his name
jesse james oh
she’s so hot right now dude she’s on the
cover of a fucking
magazine just for banging some guy who’s famous
that’s the inside of
gonna be a corresponding on extra
what yeah they hired her
like she does like okay
i’m reporting i’m here with the slut news yeah this is
the hire there
for real yeah
that’s great
is that really true
yeah holy shit man
wow that’s incredible
that is that is really incredible wow
that’s not a good
thing to do man
i think they did that before with somebody else i don’t
think that’s a good precedent to set you know
this is what i
think is gonna happen this is my prediction
that there’s gonna be a lot of
women who like
target like really high profile
married guys
you know like
you know like i
said that they’re gonna get you some attention
and that’s a big career move
you know look at all these chicks that fuck
tiger woods
if it wasn’t so many of them
there’s like
tiger woods bank so
many of them that it’s like they’re all you can’t keep
track of them
right they’re all like
i was tiger woods mistress
okay which one were you that yeah
star that yeah
i worked at the that
bagel hut you know i mean it’s like
you know you’re like
it’s it’s like there’s so many of them it’s it’s
i’m trying to think
about what is another
another example that’s like that you know
of that many yeah
it’s like it deludes it
either way it’s like there’s so many of them
if there was only one
chick that stood out like i know a couple names like
rachel you to tell
and jamie grubs
those are the names that i know
those are the only ones that i know
those girls get through but if there’s only one of them
that bitch would be
super fucking
famous right now
like that rachel yuchitel is pretty
famous cause she’s
first of all
she’s very pretty and she’s the one who didn’t talk
so there’s all
the speculation that she got paid off and gloria
all red is her attorney and all that jazz
so i think you know i
think chicks are looking
at this now like really fucking scandalous you know
nasty bitches
are looking at this is like a possible career path i
think a lot of them are right
well you see
like everyone who just got busted with that dude from
uh transformers the guy who came out
to fergie no
oh josh duha yeah he got a he got a lap dance from some
chick remember then she was on the new
scene he got a lap
dance with me it was touching my ass was like yeah
hilarious job is
to give a lap
dance and then not say anything
that’s what
that’s the job i thought she said she fucked him
or he tried or something yeah
i thought she said she fucked him
i think she said
you know who
you know anybody can say anything man that’s the thing
you know a guy could say he fucked you
unless you have a
videotape of all the time you’re with him it’s
like how the hell do you know you know it’s impossible
you know how do you feel
about the only
government intervention into the bp oil disaster
is telling the
people that we’re collecting here to put on
into hose and to use it to sop up the oil
that already come into the
marshes that they cannot use it
huh is that true
you know i don’t
think there’s a way to
clean up that oil man
they got a real real big problem
right now the surface of the oil
spill is the size of the
state of maryland
you know how bananas that is oops i said it
fuck that’s a
crazy thing man to have
a giant oil
slick the size of a
state and getting larger
i mean you could see that from a distant
satellite now
you know that’s terrifying
that they don’t know how to stop it
i mean it literally
might drain the entire 50 million barrels
that’s in that thing
that that that that reservoir
of oil that’s what the the
estimate is
fifty at litter
it’s funny they were talking
about straw the
other do the pressure
of that oil coming out
you know a mile
underwater however
fucking deep it is the pressure of that oil
pumping out like that
did to be able to contain it
you have to have some intense fucking machinery
you have to have some really
big time high pressure shit
and they never
planned for this they have no idea how they’re
gonna stop it they
literally have no idea
and when you hear
obama talking
about it on tv it’s
hilarious cause he’s just talking shit
he’s just saying
we’re gonna
clean it up
to blow it up
what’s that
gonna do make more oil
so more oils
gonna come out man
cave in the
whole stop i
think part of is they don’t want to
they don’t want to
they don’t want to
do that because they don’t want to destroy all the work
so they’re trying to figure out how to save
as much of the well
as they can
while figuring
out how to stop it but in the meantime they have this
giant eco disaster and they’re like well we’re
gonna take care of that
but the problem with them taking care of that is
these people can’t fish there
they’ve shut down like 20
of the fishing in the gulf
or at least as of a couple days ago it
might be even
worse now all
these people they’re all fucked up from katrina
and that whole area got nailed
by those disasters and it was just
starting to get back on the road to recovery
and then this fucking
thing hits them
dude this is
gonna be an eco disaster that we have
never seen before
sometimes it’s hard to put
things in perspective
while they’re happening
you know like this is happening
right now and it seems like
you know it
doesn’t seem
like a big deal because it’s not affecting our ordinary
everyday life you know we’re
going through life and you know it
doesn’t seem like
you know i’m saying you know you
drive to the same
store you eat the same restaurants right
but there’s a part of the
world right now that is
literally an
apocalyptic disaster is going down
i mean it is a huge
huge fucking reservoir of oil is pumping into the
water and it’s
almost impossible to get it out of there they’re fucked
that’s scary shit man
it’s just not we’re not putting it into perspective
because it’s not happening to us we’re not feeling it
you you know
so it’s like
it feels almost abstract and we’re talking about it
you see it on the news and it seems
tragic but it
almost seems abstract because it’s not affecting you
but if that was affecting us if we were
a fisherman and we were living in fucking louisiana
and this is what you would be
suicidal right now
you would be
going crazy
you have no
other way to
make a living you have kids to feed you have no fucking
money in the bank and this shit is
going down yeah and
things probably
weren’t that well off for you before it happened either
you know for the most part
those guys are pretty
yeah with all
this bailout
money all these billions and billions of dollars
those fucking cocksuckers
should be paying
those fishermen
right now they
should be sending fat
checks in the mail
right now double what they
were making before so that they don’t have to feel bad
because you’re killing
their fucking business
billions of dollars to
these fucks is not that much
money and a billion dollars
would go a long fucking way
taking care of all
these fishermen i mean
it’s a billion dollar industry
but you know this catastrophe is
gonna cost them so much fucking money
they should take out the
money for the fishermen and for the workers
right now for all the fucking people that rely
on tourism all the people mean that’s
gonna be big dude it’s gonna be
gigantic and then there’s the cleanup
and then they’re
gonna have to come up with new
technology to even
clean that shit up
see kevin costner
had a thing that he
might use his
his what his hair
no when he kevin costner
and i’m getting a lot of so
wrong back when he did
water world he got into
completely overestimating
how much hair he had
he got into
cleaning up the
ocean or the oil so when he
spent 25 million dollars
in 15 years of research into this filtering system
that now the government is like well wait a
minute you have that we didn’t know
that they’re
going to use
kevin costner’s
what yeah if you google it
he created something back when you did wild world
to help the
ocean and now they’re
supposed to like
annoy the oil yeah
do something to the oil
you show them
really that’s so bad the oil commit
suicide you wanna see
tin jumps into a
bucket we just
we play the sound
track from tin cup
yeah how the fuck are they
gonna separate that
water from the oil
i mean they’re all talking
about how they’re
gonna do it oh we’re
gonna do it they’re
gonna literally
gonna have to invent some new
technology in
order to just
i can’t believe they didn’t have a plan
real talk you know
yeah better than just what i
would have done at my
apartment where you just get a rug and
throw it over the spot that’s on the cat
later and go well
it’s done i’m not
gonna pay to
clean that campus up yeah
what the fuck it seems like they
should just be able to drop like the statue of
liberty on it or something and stop it like this is
where we need aquaman this is
like a mile
underwater yeah this is where
superhero is definitely
miles underwater right yeah like little tiny
robots that we can barely control
talking about
hundreds of thousands of
pounds of pressure
you know i mean this pump you
know it was pumping out insane amounts of oil
and now it’s just broken from an explosion
and it’s pouring
have you ever seen the live feed
have you seen the live feed yet it’s
creepy as fuck dude cnn had a live feed for a
while but it
crushed their servers
because everybody was just sitting in
front of it staring
and it’s just the oil that
slack jaw just pouring
well it was interesting because the guy
that was the one of the
experts that was on cnn was explaining that from that
video he showed that
it wasn’t the 5 000 gallons
or barrels of oil a day they were estimated
was coming out
he said it was
literally like 75 to 100 000 like
and he was being conservative by saying 75 000 barrels
he’s like it’s a insane amount of oil like this ain’t a
this ain’t 5 000 barrels you know it’s like
a fuck load
i like oil it’s fucking awesome when it works
not so awesome when it gets in your ocean you know the
flashlight oil that comes with those
flashlights or you can get with
those flashlights it’s very good hmm
flashlight oil yeah it’s got
they have like a hot and a cold and just normal
and it’s good for
even when you’re not using the flashlight
for using for sex ryan’s good for
about an hour and then he fucking completely falls
apart well it’s better than silence your
strength you’re surfing the net so i’m just getting
some questions here son
all right the doom and gloom
this is what keep people
this is a problem
and it’s just like what we were talking about with
with negative people online
people gravitate towards negative stories
and you know
i mean we’re guilty of
it talking about this oil
spill that’s more of a catastrophe than anything
but this this this collapse
thing because
this has been a subject on my message
board for the
past couple days because the michael rupert documentary
and because somebody put a
a speech that he was giving in vermont
and that was also on the message
board and that’s
been a subject that people have been talking
about but that’s
something that people
completely fixate on and i’m totally guilty of it
i fixated on it for
hours yesterday
and it didn’t help me at all
and i’m trying
to figure out why the fuck people do that
why do we get so obsessed with
like the unavoidable
catastrophes and the unavoidable
like death i mean you can sit
around all day and
freak the fuck out
about the fact that eventually your body’s
gonna give up and quit
and you’re gonna move on to the next
stage of existence
why is it though
that that can stop you from actually
enjoying your time
that you have
what the fuck is that
people yet it’s whatever your
focus on if
your brain is like a
google and you type in
world destruction
you’re gonna find all the links and
videos and everything that has to do with world
construction and that your
brain can only handle
you know so many questions or so many
things that you’re
looking for
this is one of the dudes on the message
board rivalries talking
about the golf oil
spill and he’s saying that the oil coming out is
under so much pressure that they can’t cap it
it’s eroded the piping
300 feet below the sea floor
and allowed
oil to escape out of the seabed at different spots
plus they think there
might be a volcano
under there
what the fuck
fucking christ
in the volcano has aids
oh my god congress is
gonna improve
a four hundred percent increase in a gasoline tax
there’s more
doom i want to shut that off i don’t want to read it
did you watch lost
no no i’m so far behind i’m lost man
are you gonna
catch up i’m
gonna eventually
catch up but i’m way way way way way way behind
so did you read anything
about what happened no i don’t want to hear shit son
it was a good i
heard it sucked
you know at
first i was more i mean it was okay but
first i was kind of like
upset about
it now i’m kind of like you know what that’s probably
about as good as it was
going to get anyway a lot of people were bummed out
about the sopranos ending
and i don’t have a problem with that i didn’t
think it was the best ending in the
world but i
didn’t feel like
they fucked
up i felt like it was just like how do you end such a
spectacular show
like you gotta it was cool
it just ends abruptly and
that’s what happens when
well who knows
i mean yeah who knows who knows what it is i mean
it’s open to interpretation did he die you know yeah
that’s the best show i
think i’ve ever
watched from
beginning to end sopranos is number one to me
and you see it
morph and change
because the very
first episode was almost like a comedy
you remember his wife came out with the machine gun
and she saw somebody was
climbing into the window
you remember that
i don’t remember the
first yeah it was almost like a comedy it’s like
they were playing it like
not real you know
playing it like silly
but then as the
season went on
and it got more and more serious then as episodes
seasons went on then
it became this intense fucking incredible drama
but man has
there ever been a fucking show that makes you
so excited to see it like that i’ve
never been so addicted to a show as a surprise
loss was like that
really yeah
i mean there’s a couple episodes i didn’t like but the
whole getting to the end part
i loved every
second of it i mean i rewatched the
whole entire show
from beginning to end in
the last three
weeks that’s
cause you had a new girlfriend
you know what but i
loved it i watched
every episode
just like it was the
first time and i was like oh my god
cause there’s all
these new things now that you know certain
things and you
rewatch the episodes you’re like wow that’s crazy
it is a very well made show
very well made
even though i gave up on it this
season i just got
bored with it
i got bored with it because i felt like
there’s so many times
where they’re like guns
pointed at them and jack was like all nonchalant
jack was fucking phoning it in man
after a while jack seems like he just gave up
well there’s a
whole thing with jack man what
especially when you see the last episode you’re gonna
think different
about jack to
begin with oh
how dare you
in the from the beginning
he was a different
guy and then they turned him into a junkie
and then after they turned him into a junkie he
seemed to be following it in i can’t tell you this this
cause this doesn’t ruin anything but i was kind of
upset that there was certain characters and
things that they never did
get to and i don’t know
if it was because of the actual actors or what like
mr echo remember that guy yeah whatever happened to him
you know well
he didn’t want to come back that’s what happened
right walt had
you know and they were like oh walt’s so special
well then i read that walt was
taken off the show because he grew like
three times the height
in one season
and they couldn’t do that
so they had to take him off the show
so did they just take him off the show and forget the
whole plot of him
having special powers or was there something i’m not
thinking of
yeah but they just dropped it
yeah this fucking
is a problem
which is let’s just
never bring it up ever
yeah like this is
ridiculous it
looks fine after a
while they just say
you know i mean the show is no
one’s gonna remember
so the show is so good
you know the
whole journey was good enough that i’m not
gonna hate the ending because the
whole show is
good you know it’s one of the best shows ever
it was definitely one of the
best shows ever and most complicated show ever on tv
most difficult to follow
i just got bored with it
after the last season it
seemed like they were just making shit up oh now we’re
going back in time
again boom i’m
gonna blow off a nuke and we’re
gonna go back in time like come on really
it’s that easy to just go back in time
come on this is
fucking foolishness
there’s definitely
things i didn’t like
about it the
beginning was so mysterious and so elaborate and so
it felt like so
cheap to me that that was how you’re
gonna do it you’re gonna
she’s gonna bang
on a nuclear bomb
and it’s gonna blow up and everyone’s
gonna go back in time
and she falls
hundreds of feet down into a well and
she survives and has enough strength to bang on this
fucking nuclear weapon and blow it up really really
it’s like such a goddamn good show and you got to that
battlestar galactica was awesome up
until the last season
i want to see the wire
i got bored
yeah the wire is another one that everybody recommends
madman dexter was awesome
first few seasons
i got bored with dexter
i got bored with dexter when john lithgow
was the bad
guy i was like and he got this chicken a shitty rear
naked choke
and and choked her
and i was like
jack power choked out somebody that
only real oh yeah
did he twenty
four the last episode was last night yeah
was it good
i haven’t watched
twenty four
since the first
season but i was caught up after two
hours and saw how it
ended and went okay
i’m sure you know was it good
i liked it you know for an ending
like choked out his friends
those fucking
shows man the problem with
those shows
people choked out chloe
wow duncan’s old girl yeah
really that’s
weird that’s duncan’s old girlfriend
maryland duncan
oh really yeah used to live with her when
she kicked him out and duncan had to live with me for
months dude it was so uncomfortable
going up right like
when i first
moved out he
still does stand up
yeah when i
first moved out here and this
agent was trying to get me into the alternative
scene it was all those guys
i didn’t go that route
the alternative
scene but he was like you’re you
should hang out with
jeannie graffal it
was i was just talking with a friend of mine
about that the alternative
scene is mostly
in a lot of people’s eyes like people were trying to do
smart comedy
and people who were like you
know trying to do something that’s off the beaten path
and they’re
like more nerds
right that’s how people like look at them
you know people are
proud to be nerds they do alternative comedy
meanwhile i can’t
think of more people who do that
the pretend they don’t know you thing
than alternative
comics more
people who are into social climbing
than alternative
comics they’re more hollywood
they’re more hollywood
than than the regular
comics it’s hilarious
it’s like what’s the alternative the attorneys you’re
gonna be ultra hollywood
i have seen so many
comics that are alternative
comics do that pretend i don’t know you
did we meet
you know i’m
sorry what’s your name
like that fake shit that they like
like it’s a
cool thing to not know your name or something
like that i’ve seen that happen with so many people the
whole funny different vibe or you see a lot of
those guys very judgmental
with it they have
their notebooks and all
their jokes are written
down and then they get up and they’re like yeah the
stuff you do it’s just not real it’s like you you’re
totally scripted out
every word you said
well even if they don’t i don’t give a fuck if you’re
scripted out or if you’re
loose and rambling i don’t care it’s like
just do whatever is in you you know whatever
everybody has a different
style and some people tell joke jokes and some people
you know they’re like
storytellers and some people they’re
just shit talkers you know everyone’s got their own
style of doing comedy
it’s just the idea of
yours being
better or you being judgmental because you know
with some alternative guys they don’t like people
who put too much energy in people are too loud people
move around a lot
or whatever
yeah it’s like
i like that i like being
entertained i like a guy who has a lot of energy
like a cat williams type dude
i enjoy watching his comedy it’s fun to me
so like you know
these guys that like
that shit on people for trying too hard it’s like
wow that’s like you you want to create this
weird environment
where everyone’s like
super calm and like goes to
whole foods you know it’s like
you know i mean it’s like it’s
some weird vibe
that you’re trying to create with alternative comedy
so what’s going on with this
ufc this weekend when
you excited
it’s fascinating
it’s a good one it’s a lot of shit talking going on
rampage jackson
and rashad evans have been shit talking each
other for fucking
months man that’s what’s
crazy about it they’ve been
talking shit to each
other for like almost a year
if not more
i mean it happened when
rampage fought
keith jardine
and that was a long fucking time ago
and rashad gotten the octagon
after rampage one was talking all kinds of
crazy shit and
then of course they’re on the
ultimate fighter together for the
whole season and
they didn’t fight
after that and
it’s a lot of fucking shit a lot of shit happened
they’re supposed to
fight in rampage how to get jaw surgery
and then they’re supposed to
fight after the
ultimate fighter but rampage got a
an awesome movie role
dude his movie’s
about to come out too
and it’s gonna tank so it’s
gonna be interesting why do you
think it’s gonna tank
it’s the fucking a team it’s just
gonna be like gi joe i bet
you you are fucking
wrong they’re
gonna kill how much you wanna bet
how much about 20
bucks let’s bet
20 bucks i want you to feel
we know it’s a tank all
right so it has to be number one for how many weeks it
has to be number one to not tank
just has to not tank
let’s define
not tanking well
i need to be number one i need
to know what tanking
means because tanking to me is like your fucking
pussy it’s 20
bucks we’re talking
about here man yeah but but
but what do you
mean by tank because by tanking what i mean it’s like
it’s gonna get in a
second place the
first week it’s out
first place
maybe but then after that
that’s not tanking
tanking is it
doesn’t make the
money that it was 100 bucks
would cost to make it
that’s what
tanking is okay
i don’t know
about how much
money it’s gonna make i just
think that this is such a huge franchise and they’re
gonna fail it i
think it’s gonna
rotten tomatoes
score is gonna be 34
there’s some movies
where i look at the
movie i go who the fuck is looking forward to this like
every time there’s a jennifer
lopez movie
yeah some jennifer
lopez romance film i’m like fucking really
who is running out
going to see that
who’s all excited
yeah there was a
point in time
where like jennifer
lopez was banging out a lot of
movies they were like big movies
you know like what was the
movie with the
the one with prisoners the george clooney movie
fucking good movie man
do you know what i’m talking
about was it a coen brothers movie
worth brian
i think of it
no no she wasn’t in that one
i know that that
movie is some
movie where
she played a cop and he was a bad guy
oh the cell that’s another cool
movie that she was in with that fucking
crazy dude from
it’s the special victims unit
csi or whatever the hell it is law and order
vincent d’onofrio
do you ever see the cell
brian no fascinating
fucking awesome did you
know that did you get the ufc video game yet
no no i haven’t got a copy
it’s pretty badass i’m sure
i can get a copy comes out today oh does it
today’s the day or yesterday’s the day one of those
but it’s supposed to be pretty awesome people
enjoying the shit out of it
don’t it’s supposed to get better reviews than
the first one i heard
don’t open that robin join us
i saw that sex in the city thing that was another one
that’s another one that makes me go what is
going on with the world
the people are loving that movie man
chicks are so fired up to go see sex in the city
a team is gonna suck
how do you know it’s
gonna suck because man they talking
shit they can’t do anything
right man look what they did this year joe who’s
back in hollywood so it’s one person it really is
when it comes to
motherfucker when it comes to retaking old
like childhood
dreams how about iron man iron man’s fucking awesome
your argument doesn’t hold up
your argument sucks no no i’m not saying
everything everything
ah you were no no
marvel lately has been doing
okay they did good on spider man they did okay on x
men they did okay on iron man but before that they had
captain america they had all
these horrible failed attempts
but then what i’m talking
about is like the shit
where they’re taking like gi joe they’re taking
transformers and they’re just fucking taking our
childhood memory
and shitting on it
like every single
movie they’ve been trying to do just fucking how do you
think they knew
the new karate
kids getting this
so sad that karate
kid’s a good example that’s
gonna do okay but
still it’s not
gonna be as good as original
i saw a lot of people complain ralph
macchios complaining
is he well i said
i saw the people complaining that he goes to
china in his
learning kung
fu yeah it’s called karate
is a japanese
yeah chinese people
must be fucking pissed but it’s called karate kid
that was a big
they gave fucking lips to
optimus prime why does a
robot need lips
you are such a nerd
you are such a nerd i can’t believe you’re a grown man
you really care about that
speaking of nerds
speaking of nerds did you see the dude who
was graduating from columbia
and in his in his
speech he he hacked a pat naswalt joke
and the video got out onto the internet
you still want to pat noswalt’s joke in
his speech yeah
and i thought it was a
comic no no
no that’s another one
this is a new
story this one came out today
patton oswald’s joke
about star trek like
a physics professor
put a star trek
theme to a question it was
basically a
a speed and
velocity equation
you know and
the joke was that he used
check off fires the phasers
and someone came up to him and said
sulu fires the
phasers check off
doesn’t fire
so i have been informed that sulu
you know so the question
didn’t make
sense and if you go in it just
but anyway this guy used the
exact joke i just fucked up that joke royally
but this guy used the
exact joke in his
commencement speech
and it got on on youtube
and everyone went
crazy it’s on the gawker it’s on
defamer all
these different websites and pat and oswald
wrote about it on his blog it’s on the
front page of his blog
he went after the dude
wait so a guy just did it during his commitments
that’s it he was
getting paid for it it was
just him giving us
and he’s just doing here
he hacked it who cares
getting paid for that he’s just doing a speech
well patent cared
well that’s retarded
is it retarded i
think that’s fucking retarded what do you think you
should have done
patent yeah he
should’ve been
honored like oh that’s that’s cool
i don’t think he
should have cared
the guy was just doing a
speech out of
school he wasn’t getting paid he wasn’t
at least people didn’t
come out to see him get you know they didn’t pay money
this is not his career he was giving us
speech when he
graduated right but
if that guy is plagiarizing in his
graduation speech
what the fuck did he do throughout his college career
if he is so brazen
that he’s willing to plagiarize a
famous comedian on video
and he knows that shit is
going to get on the internet
every day somehow
another college
speech i don’t get
it everybody
cares it’s all over the internet it’s a big deal
you know what i love
about it though
that everyone’s calling it he mensea at it yeah
that’s funny
i’ve read that on
three different
places what i like is i
heard an interview recently of mensea
and he said the
first time he ever got on stage
he was so nervous that he went to the
store and bought a joke book
and took jokes from it and ripped out the pages the
first time he went on stage
oh you talking
about the mark man podcast
i just thought
that was very
disappointing as
it’s like that’s
great your first time on
stage you just
admitted that you
stole from a joke book
well he told jokes
when you buy the joke book don’t don’t you own
those jokes
that’s right
not stealing
unless he stole the joke book and then talked
about it so
yeah i think we’ve said more enough
about that fucking dude
it’s amazing that people
still go to see that guy though
you have to be
completely retarded or not have an internet
connection i mean
those the only possibilities
why you’d want to go see that guy
comedy is a
funny thing man it’s like
you know it’s like all art forms kind of reflect
where your head’s at
you know the kind of shit that you’re into like
i was getting
tattooed the
other day and
while i was getting
tattooed the fucking
guy in the next
booth was listening to this
one of those
metal songs like
that that annoying fucking
screaming angry
metal that sounds exactly the same shit
that just reflects where your fucking head is at
no one who’s like at
peace and is like in a good
place in their life listens to that shit
you know and no one
who’s got their shit together
would think the carl’s fancy is funny
you know you have you have to be a mess
you have to be there should be something
wrong with the
way your mind works it has to work really poorly
it has to be really low watt
but there’s
a lot of really low watt people out there man like yeah
that’s what’s
interesting when you you know when you see like certain
things that certain people are into certain books
that people are into and shit you like god damn really
certain tv shows all the fuck tv shows awesome
and you like really
like okay i
guess it is for you
you know that’s a hard
thing to accept that i
guess it is for you
you know especially as a comic
don’t you find yourself like
angry like no it fucking sucks like
you almost want to
argue the opinion
you know but it
doesn’t suck for them
like fucking twilight
a billion screaming horny
chicks can’t be wrong
you know you
could think it sucks all day but they love that
stupid fucking
movie look at cars 2 one of the
worst pixar
movies ever was cars in my opinion
and they’re doing a
sequel to it
just because they know how many people like nascar
how many mid american people
how much merchandise they can sell
based on that movie
do you know nascar is the number one spectator
sport in the country yeah
how crazy is that
watch your cars go running so yeah
so you can sit there all day and go that’s the dumbest
sport ever or whatever it is and then or go wow
or there’s a
lot of people that are into it i’m just not how
often do you go
on the road and you’re in the
south and they
bring up nascar
like when you do morning radio
you ever had that happen
yeah fucking nuts
they start talking
about drivers and
where the guy
does this better and jackets
yeah oh yeah they
all got my fucking
daryl wall trip drag it
who the hell is that guy
meanwhile they all know who he is that guy’s a
superstar down there
it’s like there’s a
whole different
world in the
south that people are not aware of
like music wise
like country
music there’s fucking
smash hit country
music songs that you will never hear
you will go through your entire life and you will
never hear them
meanwhile they are
loved by 50 60 million people
in this country they’re not
in india it’s not fucking foreign
music from bangladesh
or brazil or something like that no
this shit is
going on in alabama
and kentucky and
and they fucking
love that music
brian you remember that time we went to that
place in north carolina
and went to that bar next door
we’re in raleigh
north carolina we were at that
charlie good nights
and right next door there’s a bar
and the bar was playing country
music they were all singing along the bull rider yeah
they had a you know it’s a funny
mechanical bowl yeah but that club that bar has an
identity problem because i went in there and it
would play country music and then it
would go from country music to rap to jay z and then
the equal amount of people would like
sardant and you’re like you know what
that’s for why you’re into two really different things
that’s for the girls that like to fuck
black guys you
gonna mix it up
yeah i mean it was
weird you’re there and you get a lot of that in the
soul and then you hear a lot of like
wow yeah well you
gotta bring the
black guys in because a lot of girls like to fuck
black guys and the
black guys are just not
gonna tolerate that country
music all day
right so if
you wanna bring in those
little chubby
white girls
you gotta bring in some rap
music for em
attract some black eyes
to make the mix more interesting
i remember i was
at that particular
place when i was there and i went to
shake the door guy’s hand
and we kind of did the
roman shake by
just how our hands you know
where you grab the thing
he had i’ll
never forget this
huge i don’t know if it was a cast or a plastic
thing that went from his wrist
probably down to here and he had him on both sides
for fighting
so you couldn’t tell he
had a shirt on
but that’s who’s the guy
the door guy
so this was all like a
shielded so if
yeah if you got in a
fight with somebody really
an extra yeah cuz i go
did you break arm because
now i got them on both sides it’s for if shit goes down
wow and it was
those things
like the gladiators wear from here to here you know
like a cod piece
how weird is that
forearm protection yeah yeah
forms not a very sensitive area
it’s a weird
thing you want to protect
maybe he’s a wing chung man yeah to put
i think that’s right
that’s why you have that you
think that you were
blocking i guess
that’s a shit
i hope that somebody fucking
shoots you son
that’s some roadhouse
stuff yeah well that
place was like roadhouse man we went
right next door
that place they had a
remember that one girl that was
super awesome at riding
that mechanical bull
like how many cowboy dicks is that
chick sucked
a thousand you
tried that really
good yeah yeah i’ve done it before it’s hard that’s
right i have
video of you doing it on
tlc on mtv yeah
tlc no nrl trl yeah
never done it
yeah it’s it’s not easy
it’s hard it’s hard to hang on to that
thing so stupid
it’s a fucking dumb way to get hurt
did rhino bulls a dumb way to get hurt
but riding a bull
that’s a fake bull that’s even fucking
stupider you know
it’s like cuz they
could easily make a fake bull that
could fucking
throw you off and kill you
so it’s like you know they just make a fake bull just
strong enough
just you can
kinda hang on for a little
that was the scariest
thing that we ever did on fear factor
was we have
people ride bulls
that was the one time
where i was
like what the fuck are we doing there was the one time
where i literally did not want to do the stunt
and all we did was like we just roll the dice
we said okay
let’s hope we don’t
crap out here let’s hope we don’t fuck up and somebody
doesn’t want up getting paralyzed
we took these people that had
never ridden bulls in
their life and we
threw them on these
giant fucking murderous
rampaging beasts
and we just
threw them on there and the guy was like don’t
worry these are
training bulls
and i was like
what the fuck are you talking
about that’s a bull that bull
doesn’t know he’s a
training bull
he has no idea he’s a
training bull
that thinking like oh
these are the bulls they
train the rodeo guys on they’re not as
aggressive like
the fuck are you talking about
they’re looking at the cage
this thing’s in the cage
and it’s fucking
bouncing back
and forth and
slamming into the bars
we took this girl on
she weighed 90
pounds like no bullshit she was tiny
the most she
weighed like ninety eight
okay she’s like five feet tall she’s a tiny little girl
she gets on this bull
and then think
bucks and she goes
flying i mean instantly goes flying
and as she’s flying
the bull kicks at her
and the bulls hoof
just misses her face
like just missed her face it
would have caved her fucking
monkey head in
like no question
about it this poor little girl
she fell and landed on her back she got
knocked out
and you know she came you know
she was conscious
but she was like out of breath and she couldn’t
you know the breath got
knocked out of her and she was all like
oh i’m okay
i’m okay and
they had to take care of her and
the paramedics had to
check her out make sure she was fine
and she’s just
lucky that she was fine
just plain fucking lucky
i got to see
those bulls my wife was
on a show years ago that nobody saw called america’s
toughest job
and what they did is
every week they did something else so she was on the
deadliest catchboat and had to do that stuff
and then she was
an oil rigger
and had to go do that
stuff in the log
stuff and she had a
thing where
one of the episodes she was a bull
fighter so she was the clown
that got in an actual rodeo was the thing
and so when the bull
bucked the guy
she would have to run up and it was
these weren’t fake bulls it wasn’t like for
things she had
to run up and literally
smack the bull to get the bull to
chase her because
she was getting on the show was getting graded on
how well she made the cowboy safe
and she blew out her knee because she had
twist and turn and it was like a lot of dirt
it was pretty scary
yeah fuck yeah just
to be on tv
yeah and she did it you know she make
money off that show
no but she did some cool
stuff she got to drive the
grave diggers
some cool cars
she blew her fucking knee out for free
yeah so i mean she you know but
wow she didn’t make
i like i said it was pretty good
it’s one of
those shows she had to do that fishing
thing now that just looks
shitty yeah all
those yes the devil
is catch got
a truck and
drove the ice road that looks
scary as fuck
she had a really and out
of all that she didn’t make any money
no man it’s
gonna be on tv joe
reality show
money every
month i think she i
think she got a stipend
every week 500
bucks cash that is it
nuts it is nuts
do that to you
they can use you like that on
television over a course of like this ain’t
like fear factor
where you’re only on for a couple days
no she was on for how long like she was gone for two
months cheese
did like nine episode so
one episode a week probably
dude what if she got killed by a bull
oh you should see all the
stuff that he’s yeah what
if she got killed
well how would you have felt
yeah right yeah you can you can
you can even do anything
about it dude bulls
scare the fuck out
of me when i see that running with the bulls in spain
you know there was a show once
where they they wanted
me to go running with the bulls i forget what it was
but they there was like one of the
things they wanted me to do
on the show i was like what are you talking about like
people run with the bulls
all the time you just got to make sure you get ahead
mike those are piss and beer
soaked fucking streets
people were
tripping have you ever watch
videos fuck you
was like you want me to
go run with the bulls like what’s an ancient tradition
it’s one of the
dumbest ancient traditions ever the fact that people
still do that today
is one of the most
one of the weirdest fucking
statements about
human beings you take a
bunch of rampaging monstrous
beast animals
have you ever seen the
videos to a dudes getting jacked
they just get thrown through the air
like they’re nothing
these things are so fucking
strong and they
stomp them and gore them
i mean people get fucked up
they get really really fucked up by
these things man
the fact that people are
still doing that man
you see the
video the matador last week
they got the
horn through his face
through his
mouth and through
the bottom of his chin and out through his
mouth his fucking horn is poking out of his mouth
that’s the image
so i saw that and
i said well i seen one before that was more fucked up
there was one
that were a guy’s getting it through the stomach
and the bulls
like lifting them through the air it’s like his
lower abdomen like
right above his dick
it’s the most
because the look of pain on his face is just
he knows he’s fucked i mean he’s just
done and so i
started looking at google
search try to find that
image and i
found so many fucking
images this guy
dude why would you
most of its the running with the bulls
though most of the images came from running at the bull
so many guys getting fucked up by animals
brian you went to the la zoo huh oh yeah
man that was the worst
zoo i’ve ever been to
and one of the just
fucking creepiest
is there was so many
cages that look like the animal died and they just
never bought a new animal to put in there
so it’s just like like
empty and you’re sitting there trying to find the
animal and you’re like wait a
second this
cage has not even been touched for five years like
and then there’s just
i didn’t see one lion
i didn’t see an elephant were you blazed
no no i just went through
sober and i went through the
whole thing in like two
hours it was like so fast
it was the worst zoo ever the only cool
thing was it’s not as bad as the one i told you
about in massachusetts
there was one that they shut down
it was horrible
they had this
little tiny ass cage for this lion and the lion
would just walk around in circles
yeah looking depressed
walk around circles
the coolest part was when they fed the chimpanzees
and there was like six of them they’re just all
lined up you
know sitting next to each
other itching
their butts you know and they’re all eating
they all grabbed
what is a cucumbers
and they’re all just had like four cucumbers and
one was like acting like he was smoking it
looked it was
just hilarious because they were just like humans
and they’re all just
but then they’re like not sitting like on
it was called the chimpanzee
penthouse or the ape penthouse
and it’s like they were just sitting like on stairwells
so there was just all these
monkeys sitting on
stairwells eating cucumbers
and it was just
the oddest thing ever that zoo is fucking
weird it’s very strange
that we feel like it’s okay for us to take intelligent
animals just lock them up so we
could stare at that that i don’t
agree with that i mean that zoo i
agree with you on that because
that zoo i don’t
agree with that zoo
that zoo should be torn down
i was i’m used to columbus
zoo where a
monkey has like
acres and acres and acres of just
grass and san diego is
great shit like that you’ve been to san
diego yeah yeah that’s one of
my favorite zoos in the country that’s a huge ass zoo
you know they have a lot of
space to roam around
but la zoo will get you they’ll get you off zoos they
should be illegal man i was in
colorado at the zoo and this fucking chimp was
screaming screaming in agony
wasn’t chimp was a monkey
he was in his cage and
screaming in agony
and you could hear it in his voice
he was fucking tortured
he was stuck in this little box by himself and people
would just walk by stared at him
and he was just losing his mind just screaming
it was such a tortured
sound i mean
are we really getting that much out of
these fucking guys being locked in this
thing that it’s okay to do this
we got pictures ah
dude there’s
this one ape that was there it was like a red
ape and he looks so sad
yeah that’s an orangutan orangutan
and he is so sad his eyes are just like so depressed
but then his son came up to me
while i was filming
just start slamming the window like don’t record
my dad well
he doesn’t want you staring at him yeah
that’s gotta suck man they’re intelligent
i mean they’re not nearly as intelligent as people but
is it okay to lock up retards
you know i mean at what
point in time if we could
prove that a
monkey was as
smart as a down
syndrome person
would it be okay to put the down
syndrome person in jail next to the monkey
you know i mean
how intelligent do they have to be to
where we can’t lock them up
you know so i said if we ever
found bigfoot
you know everybody
thinks bigfoot’s all cool and
everything and you know you
watched on monster
quest wow i wonder if it’s real
if it was real
he’d be locked up
right next to that fucking orangutan
you know we
wouldn’t as long as we can’t
understand your language
fuck you get in the cave vivid
would have a porn
video with the people you
think so and kendra
kendra or britney sky
britney sky
wanna see that kendra video
but you know what
my girlfriend was telling me
about that kendra
video you’ve
heard of it right
what yeah kendra x
yeah there’s a sex tape that came out before hefner
hefner dated her when she was 18
so it must have
happened like the
first two months
video she got
with is with the wc
fighter well how do you know that he wasn’t banging her
while she was with after
right seems more like yeah but
those girls don’t all fuck them exclusively that’s
ridiculous well this supposedly this
video was before hefner though
the whole fucking hefter
thing man poor fucking girls
those poor sad girls that fuck that guy to try to get
famous they had to be in they couldn’t
leave the mansion
after nine pm
that’s hilarious that he would
still try to keep them from getting fucked by
other guys he had to know what’s
going down you follow him on twitter
no do you wow it’s so sad
is it he just
hugh hefner’s twitter
every day is just
like just rewatched oh yeah it’s totally him
just rewatched gone with the win
i love that movie
just rewatch tootsie oh
those crazy guys
and everything
just watches old
movies all day
that’s all he does he’s a hundred years old bro
how old is he
he’s deep in his
eighties right yeah
late eighties
it’s amazing that he’s
still got to keep that
thing going
you know he’s got to
still try to keep that
you know that fascinating fucking
lifestyle yeah what
point do you just go you know what everyone just
get out of the mansion
please i want to
yeah hang around and be i
guess we stopped
you stop doing that though you
start dying yeah you know so
keep the business
going right
i just went to an estate sale the other day
somebody died down the
street and the
state sales
where they just kind of opened up their
house and you just buy anything you want
like everything’s for sale
you know get the fuck
out all this shit out of the
house so they just walk in and say i’ll give you 50
bucks for that
right right
right and it is so
crazy because they
just like the guy died and they did not
touch anything
so it’s like how the guy died like that’s how his
house looked like
and it’s just so
crazy just seeing how this person
lived you know
like how dirty this person was and just like how
creepy and what was it like i
guess it would be it’s really hard to explain like like
as an example like his
chair the side of his
chair was just like
stacks of like tv
guides from the last 40 years maybe
you know and they all had like
crossword puzzles
there’s some
depressing motherfuckers out there
like we were talking
about that michael rupert guy
imagine if he can be a fly on the wall in his
house yeah him hanging out with his dog
by the way one of my favorite
quotes from that was
when he goes
i take my dog out to go walking
every day and have a
smile monster oh clerks
miles yes i was gonna
bring that up
i was gonna
bring that up
dude the fucking
world is ending according to you you asshole
you’re out there collecting
smiles yeah
you see how many
people he can make
smiles you know who he look like remember on office
space that guy that made the jump to
conclusions floor mat
he looks exactly like that guy jump to
floor mat so google
search jump to
floor mat office
space and look at the
photo and then google
whatever the guy’s name is rupert
same guy this guy said it was the corey
feldman sale
corey feldman
still alive sir
corey came died
the handsome corey
poor little
fella yeah it’s another one
childhood stars just like your girl lindsey
it’s a fucking
impossible grind man
being famous as a
child and then what happens
you know with
the disney channel now look at all the future
of those guys that that channel’s
cranking out
yeah no shit i mean
it’s just like it’s a
puppy mill for future
danny bonna
duchess that’s a
great way to put it it’s a
puppy mill it really is a
puppy mill you’re dead
right they all live in this toluca lake
and i think they’re supposed to live there
really yeah
cause it’s right near disney it’s
right next to disney and they all live in toluca
like the jonas brothers
what any of them i don’t even know any of them yeah
they got it down to a science over there at disney they
wanna make fucking stars
they take a
chick who could sing and they just fucking
make them dance
your sitcoms make them wear
promise rings
next one no sitcoms
hopefully you have a sister
stupid as fuck
did you see the video of
miley cyrus giving some 40 year old guy a lap dance
she was like 16
and her dad’s like hey
your kids gonna be what the kids gonna be
fuck it don’t
break my heart
yeah it’s fucking dad’s
billy ray cyrus you know
god if that was my
daughter i’d be horrified i
would be sick to my stomach
16 years old giving a 40 year old guy a lap dance
he doesn’t give a fuck you got a
second chance to
start them but bam
there’s driving around a ferrari probably
he used up all that achy
breaky heart
money but this fucking
miley cyrus money that
hannah montana
money ain’t
going nowhere son
that that shit will take him to the grave
ladies and gentlemen 5 41
that means we’ve
been doing this over an hour and a half
no it’s two
hours 20 minutes or 15 minutes
that’s too much
that’s too much
sorry we had to run out in the beginning and grab the
microphones but
know that shit
sounds much better with the
microphones on correct
oh totally yeah so
glad you enjoy it
john heffron what do you got
going on you want to plug
all right nothing
going on but people
go to john heffern com they have all my dates have
run with two fs
to f john with an h
j o h n h e f f
r o n dot com
on the bottom winner
of last comic
standing oh yeah add his twitter it’s
right there on the little
screen there
but if you’re
on itunes you don’t know what the fuck we’re talking
about if you’re one of
those strictly
audio only fellows yeah
then if you’re at itunes and
type in john hepburn in
search and look at all mine
and you’re missing the
beauty of the
experience of the ustream podcast because the ustream
podcast has facial features yes it does we look at each
other sometimes
we have costumes
and see when someone’s
checking their phone i
write down my
girlfriend on a
paper dakota fanning
and no one else knew it what
fuck are you talking
about what’s
wrong with you boy
so sad man um
thanks for tuning in
we’ll be back next week same time we’ve got the
sound down now and now that i finally got the last
microphone in
today and that’s why we had to take off the beginning
i thought i had
a third one but i didn’t have the
the microphone cord
so now it’s all set up we’re
still trying
to figure out what the fuck to do behind us
the green screen
setup is not as easy as i thought
because not only do i have to get a
tricaster but i also have to get fucking
lighting in here
what about a banner like just a cool your alien
hair banner l
e d three d
samsung no no
three d stupidity
if i’m gonna get a tv it’ll just be regular tv but that
doesn’t even make
sense because
we’re talking it’s
cool if we did it and we
had space behind us
but see those tvs that
could hook up our computers to it it
could just be a huge ass monitor behind us
this stupid computer
doesn’t even have an hdmi out
you know that’s the
thing about
apple’s computers as opposed to like pcs
pcs have so many more outputs no no no
you have a display
adapter and all you do is get a display to hdmi
adapter on ebay for 3
well why don’t
they have a fucking outlet
built into my goddamn laptop son
because it’s a smaller
output so it’s i mean
why isn’t there a video out it does
what video out
it’s on the side it’s a mini display
adapter oh that
thing and you just get a mini display
adapter to hdmi so we
would do that
and put it behind us then what will we put on it
we just have it as a
second monitor behind it so you have
that you want to show a
video you just drag it to the middle we should
be talking we
should have just nothing but car accidents
totally just
the italian brackets
we’ll have episodes like this week it’s gonna be
the problem with the
green screen is we can’t have
video we have images
and that’s not as cool now you
could do a video you
could do anything you want to behind is that
green screens just like old
technology why not have a huge
lcds are so
cheap nowadays just have a
crazy big lcd that
would be 100 times better
no it wouldn’t though because if you had a
green screen we
could have like fucking monsters
right behind
us if we get a
green screen we’ll get that
stupid clipping
where one of us will have like
green hair you know it just looks shitty
does it yeah do you think
green screen
technology is not
good stuff with the green screen and then you could
the clipping apparently is from the lighting
yeah lighting green screens are pretty tough if
you have to have like
power lighting in here so we’d have to
flood ourselves with and
none of us could wear a green tent of a shirt
well today we would open we’ll be fine we’d be golden
we’ll figure it out but the sound
issue is done the video issue is done we change cameras
we also the whole
use stream producer
thing now so we have the option of having these
hd cameras broadcast the show
that’s the next step is we’re
gonna set up more than one camera because
right now we’re all on this one couch like
three monkeys
but i have it set up so that there’s another
chair over there so
i like this webcam joe
no it keeps on going in and out of focus
right it’s autofocus i wonder if that’s the setting
i don’t think it is
who gives a fuck alright
ladies and gentlemen sometimes we’re blurry
that’s been the show this week
it’s 5 45 and that’s more than two and a half hours so
thank you very much for tuning in
we will be back
next week same bat time same bat channel tuesday as it
were or wednesday as i yelled at my manager
and we’ll see you
thank you very much for
tuning in thanks
again for everything
thanks for all the constructive criticism
thanks for coming to the shows
i’ll be in canada soon
i don’t know the dates sometime in june go to joe rogan
net it’s all up there
next big show in
in america is in vegas
house of blues july 2nd
see you bitches there
i don’t know who’s coming with me i think
we can answer
no no no shows this weekend
thank you very much everybody
and we’ll see you next week
right man thanks