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the joe rogan experience

yeah my girl’s back

got rid of that scary fake black eye

he had a guy that was doing the joe rogan

experience that voice

but it was a white guy that sounded like a black guy

you can tell it wasn’t really a black eye oh

right you know what i’m saying

there’s a white

robot that’s

sounding black too freddy

lockhart has joined us ladies and gentlemen

my man freddy freddy and i go

back to when freddy was

fucking cover booth man at the goddamn comedy

store 20 years old and dreadlocked

back in the days

freddy was trying to make it happen out here in la a

fresh faced

young boy and

we became friends and we’ve been friends ever

since that was

fun times man thought it was

now look at me now i’m an old man

freddy is one of those

you know that he’s got some

black in him

but how much how much what’s

going on here are you at

strip joe rogan

right now what are you yet

a dad’s black mom’s wife

standard issue pretty much

powerful powerful

combination genetic wise right

yeah absolutely one of the

strongest combinations of all time

i would say

so you get the body of the

black man and then you get the mind of the

white man all together in

some strange combination

that’s why the

university of arizona won the 1996 national

championship the

whole that doesn’t

by the way mean that

black people don’t have

brains it’s a different brain

don’t get me

wrong what i’m saying is clearly

black people have the superior bodies

you got to be

crazy to argue with that

greatest athletes of all time

you know to a man

except for a few

few fucking

larry birds in there a few

weird white guys that manage to figure shit out right

other than that

i mean let’s get real

you know they’re the

super athletes

we’re trekking down

jimmy the greek

territory right now he was

absolutely right he was dead

right he was dead

right he was just a douchebag yeah he

was just a douchebag and it was just like you know what

everything he said you couldn’t disagree with

right yeah here’s my problem with it it’s not a bad

thing you’re talking

about a positive attribute

why is it racist to say that

black people are the superior athletes

if you just looked at the numbers

the number of michael jordan’s and lebron

james’s and

those guys those superior

super dominant

athletes right

very rare little

white guys make up what fifteen percent of the cop

population american

population less

than that and they make up ninety percent of the nba

with the five hundred

men in the nba come on come on the

white guys are european

yeah you know it’s like

those russians

the european

see that’s another

thing europeans like from

like russians are a different fucking breed

than white people here oh yeah there’s some

hard motherfuckers and some serious athletes too

like you ever see

corellan the

wrestler that’s

seven foot tall 300 plus

pounds guy that would

hurl grown men through the air

only lost once okay

and the reason why he fought

roulon gardner

wrestled roulon gardner

and it was a new rule in greco roman

where if you lost your grip and then had to reattach it

even if there was no

dominance that guy got a point

just cause he made you

break your grip

oh wow it’s the

stupidest rule ever

and it was one that didn’t

exist through

corellans entire reign

we wanna talk

about a fucking

super athlete

i used to call him the experiment

because his parents were like five five and five seven

and he’s fucking

seven feet tall

and enormous

i mean he doesn’t even look like a real man

he looks like some shit from 300

he looks like some shit that the persians

would have with a dog collar on

you know naked with a fucking

a giant iron cod piece

running at you

you didn’t rush in blood

yeah dude on podcasts

training in the snow

giant savage

just eating reindeers and shit but that’s the anomaly

every once in a while

there is a white guy

there’s more pure europeans like that

but pound for

pound in america yeah

the black race is

superior in sports

but here’s the

misconception is that you’re saying that they’re

limited to that and that’s not the case at all

well physically you

know it’s also you got to deal with it’s an economic

issue people from

especially when you deal with

people that are into like combat

sports like the combat one

especially boxing that’s a serious economic one oh

yeah very few rich people

get it become professional boxers right the

it’s always like it

used to be the jews in new york that was like you know

slappy maxi rosen bloom and

all back in

those days like

jews were a lot of boxers were jews

and then it became italians

and puerto ricans and

irish and it

was really mostly immigrants that were poor

and then eventually you

know blacks and

black athletes

but if you look at like

greatest athletes of all time just only a few like

rocky marcianos in the mix

a few guys that were like

super dominant

that were white guys

wayne gretzky yes yeah

but given a

sport that was

dominated by

whites you know

wayne gretzky

yeah like look at

their attributes

gretzky was like very clever

and an excellent skater

but like rocky marciano was

known for being just

ridiculously

durable and just

always in incredible shape

and would get a

hold of you and eventually wear you down and blast you

so it wasn’t like a muhammad ali

where you couldn’t even fuck with him like

you were in

front of him

going what am i doing even in the ring with roy

jones jr right

you remember when vidi pasianza fought roy jones

there was a round

where he didn’t land a punch

it was the only time ever in

compabox history

where they had

scored an entire round

100 lopsided

the other guy

didn’t land a single punch

roy jones just lit him up he

was dancing in

front of him like a cobra yeah he fought from down here

he fought for back here and that jab

would come out

slap you in the face you’re trying to move your

big fat head you can’t get out of the way of it yeah

i use that guy in

fight night

super super and

over ali i use him in

fight night

he’s the man

dude he had some

ridiculous attributes but

he had one fuck up

he developed his technique technique

based and dependent upon his physical attributes

instead of going with traditional technique

like bernard hopkins

evander holyfield

guys who do

everything textbook like

james tony does

everything textbook

instead of doing that

he went with this big wide open

loose style

that almost

completely relied upon his physical attributes

so when he started to slow down he

started getting fucked up

when he fought tarver he got fucked up

and that was coming back from the weight loss

cause he fought

heavyweight and when

he got pumped up and then he came from whatever

legal or illegally

i don’t know what the fuck he was doing but he got big

he got over 200 pounds

and really muscular

and then he drops back down to 170

and you’re looking at him and you’re like

175 you’re like

okay something’s hormonally

wrong here his body looks soft

you know i’m looking at this

i’m like this is a guy who didn’t do this correctly

i bet he jacked his system

when you get on

juice you jack your fucking

system and then

if you get off it if you’re not doing it correctly

you get off of it your body

doesn’t bounce back you’re not producing testosterone

your body shut down because you made it

have all this

extra shit in your

system and your

balls are like what are we doing let’s stop working

so you have to

bring your balls back to life if

you do something like that

what you do it’s like really radical chemistry

and he clearly wasn’t doing that

right he came back and he looked

really soft

and he got tagged and blasted

it was one of

those things

when you get

blasted once man it’s so much easier to get

blasted again

cause then glenn johnson

blasted him

and then it looked really bad it

broke you’re cool and that’s the

thing too it’s not just that he goes out

unconscious yeah like

when the glenn johnson fight

it didn’t even look like that big of a punch

and he went

completely unconscious

one leg up in the air i mean he was gone

which means it’s got

brain damage yeah

i mean that’s really what it is yeah

and so then

it was all because of his

two things because his body coming back from being big

against diaz

what was that no ruiz

big against ruiz rather

john ruiz and then

it was also

those two knockouts man

if you have

knockouts man

you know and people you know

they want to poo poo it like it’s no big fucking deal

you gotta bounce back from that

thing really slowly and really correctly you

gotta know where your fucking

brain’s at cause you

might have loose

screws in there oh yeah you

could be done with

him you could seriously have serious

brain damage

these guys that they get

knocked out once and then

every time they get hit

afterwards they just go

whereas before you used to have iron chins yeah

well that’s the

thing i grown up

watching mike

tyson all the time

and watching that method of coming out

real close to the body how he would just

like a bear

it was like the

swiftness of

when you see a bear hit somebody

and their shoulders popping all that but as he got

older it was kind of like a

genre specific kind of

technique of boxing that

is a little less traditional it seemed

like you said when somebody gets

knocked out once buzzer douglas

who shouldn’t have got the best of them but did

once that that’s opened up that mess with your

psyche and to

top it off if you’re retarded like him already

do you know how

tough he was man the bad

motherfucker

the fucking bombs he took from holyfield in that

first fight before he went out

god damn he got hit with

everything dude

holyfield was teeing off on him

and he was just taking him and his legs

would buckle

when he finally went down then he’s like

searching for his

mouthpiece like holy

shit yeah dude that’s a dude who

could take a beating they say all

he took beating but this dude took beating

the buster douglas one dude that combination that he

blasted tyson with

and tyson still trying to put his

mouthpiece back in

that motherfucker was game to the end

blasted out

and he’s just

scratching around looking for his

mouthpiece yeah

to get back in his mouth

because he’s

gonna fuck you up yeah

he’s gonna get up and he’s

gonna fuck you up yeah

yeah he got

knocked out i

think one time

in a sparring

match when he was a kid like 15 16

something like that and he’s one of

those boxers that goes somewhere and cries

and then comes back and murders you

and he did that

apparently he did that to who

was one of his old guys atlas with somebody like he was

training with some

and the dude got the best of him and a

spar and tyson went somewhere cried shivered

held his knees

and then came out and just

dropped bombs and

never looked back

so terrifying a guy who needs it that much

a guy who needs it so much is everything

about him his entire

self worth entire

self esteem is

just all based on him

fucking smashing you

just running at you and destroying you as a

human body to body

just imposing his fucking physical will on you and he

still has that

thing about him that

i see him on sunset

every once in a

while and just like even if you

catch his eyes

with you here just you know it’s like hey mike

yeah it’s like that guy is just a killer bro he’s a

train killer he’s got the show now he’s got

a pigeon homing pigeons that’s what he does right

like they do in brooklyn and puerto rico yeah

they home pigeons i guess

the whole idea is you compete

against mike

to really is it home

for pigeons i

wouldn’t let him win

i would always

let him win he snaps your pigeons next you know yeah

fuck you dude i’ll let you win man

i’d let him win at

everything but i’ve said it i’ve said

it i’ll take him and mike

tyson’s punch out i’ll knock

him out first

round you mean just

punch out now just

punch yeah just

punch out now i

think he has a new game

i thought he spammed me but

apparently it wasn’t spam

i got a tweet from his account

and i was like oh my god mike

tyson just fucking spammed me and i

wrote that at twitter

and then he said it’s not spam joe

and i was like oh the real

mike i think oh

man i mean it

might be some people that work for it verified

have we said anything bad no

i mean i would

never say anything bad

i’m a huge fan

sorry me too please don’t iron mike

messiah don’t eat my ears yeah

we love you mikey

you want to go back to like ferocious boxers all

those the time when he was a

champion there was no time like that

where you like you were just waiting for this execution

it wasn’t a

fight it was an execution

you know when

sugary leonard was the baddest

motherfucker around

and like oh shit

sugary leonard they’re

gonna have a rematch with

thomas hearns you know like

it was like it was

exciting yeah but you didn’t know who was

gonna win right

you know you knew mike tyson was

gonna victimize somebody on hbo

and you were

gonna watch it you were

gonna pay 45

bucks we saw mike

tyson fight tony tubbs what the fuck did you

you think was

gonna happen

yeah what the

fuck did you

think well you know what’s

funny is my

granddad some old

school dude

loved the friday night

fights and all that and

it wasn’t with mike

tyson at it at all most

granddads weren’t he’s like

he ain’t shit you know talking

all that shit

right wait wait till

larry holmes gets a hold of him

yeah he got a hold of

larry holmes

larry holmes i

think he was

quoted as saying that

man hits harder than anything i’ve ever felt in my life

he was on a totally different

level i would have

loved to seeing him at his very best

against everybody

not saying he

would have beat nali

but man would that have been

exciting yeah you can

never say who can do what but you

never know i’m privy to him

because i was part of that

generation you know

there’s better technical boxers you know

there was better

like lennox lewis

at his best was

a better technical boxer and he was a hard guy to crack

he would have been interesting

when by the time

tyson fought him

tyson was already older

and he had already really lost most of his

motivation he just wasn’t

the same he was trying to get a pay day and he even

admitted it

after the fight

but when he was

younger man that wasn’t the case when he was younger

it was a totally different animal

that would have been it

would have been interesting to see him

at his very best like in

the larry holmes

fight that was at him at his very best he was

a destroyer michael spinks yeah

yeah i would have

loved to see that guy

against ali what

21 he was at his

i wouldn’t say the apex of his

talent it was just that at that when the custom

motto died around then

when he had one he hadn’t

slipped yet as we had it

slipped yet and then when custom

motto died and you’re pretty much in don

kings hands i

think that creates like

now you have the

you know one of the

greatest athletes that ever

lived the killing machines

right if it’s in the

wrong hands

and it’s not fostered

right it’s gonna be

used the wrong way

cause i always feel like he’s

got a great

heart you know what i mean like

he’s one of these guys

who you can

see his emotion you can see him and he was just always

jerked around by the

wrong people

you know well that’s definitely

gonna be the case

in any situation

where you got some

powerful fucking kid that can make you a lot of

money yeah you know you know you

can do whatever they want to do with you and

help you in some ways and support you and

make sure that you make money

but at the end of the day they’re just trying to

trying to push you around may

you imagine how conti

robin gibbons must have been there

when they were

married sha harvard

graduate with mike

tyson remember that fucking interview they did

where she was

throwing him

under the bus

about how crazy he is and the violent

and this is

on tv and he’s just sitting there like what we came

in barbara walters

right and he’s just sitting there

just taking the beam i can’t believe this bitch is

gonna go out like this yeah i

could snap her i’m the

man i can’t believe

this i can’t believe all the

things i’ve done to save her life

head of the

class that’s the best she had done he had

knocked niggas out left and

right and she’s

gonna go in and drag him

under the bus now please

she was beautiful she wasn’t no

that’s the problem when

you get some beautiful manipulative person usually a

crazy person a person that really wants to

pretend to be

something else and then get into your life

and then control it like there’s some sort of a fucking

parasite that’s

you know put a

wheel behind your neck

you know yeah

really that’s what she was

she’s become the little

creature in men in

black who lives in your

brain and drives

with joysticks

women want to do that to

powerful men

there’s a thing that

women want to do to a man that has some

semblance of

success some

power something

where it makes him seem

extraordinary

if she can dominate him with her pussy

that robs him of his

extraordinary ability it takes his

che all around

like a girl that wants to fuck francis ford coppola

to this day

there’s bitches that try to fuck francis ford coppola

he might be 80 years old or whatever

there’s some

crazy hot bitch out there

you know goth and she’s got a fucking

tattoo of a bat

above her pussy

she wants to fuck him

and she’s gonna fuck

him she’s got a cheese

siphoning badge

she’s ready to take his all his

creativity she

loved apocalypse now or

was that his

movie was right yeah

she went loved

apocalypse now and she wants to suck his dick

the batcave yeah so

yeah they’re

out there there’s bitches out there that will

ruin your life just like there’s dudes that will ruin

women’s lives you know

it’s not even a male female issue it’s

a retard issue

yeah it’s a broken

human issue

people it’s

annoying having children too you see this so fucking

clearly like you have a

direct input

on how this

human being develops very

very direct

you know it’s real

clear you teach some good

things and then they repeat those good

things and you see them hugging little girls and

having fun you see like

there’s all this good energy is coming out of your kids

and then you see

these fucking people that are smoking and yelling at

their kid and

their kids beating another kid with a stick

okay kids are little

savages it’s so

clear it’s like

they’re what they are is bundles of potential

yeah but you

gotta fucking raise

the raising a

human being and developing a

human being

is one of the most complex and demanding tasks

a fucking human being can

undertaken and

one of the most important because it

literally the

the the quality

of the fucking society around it is

based on how well

the people inside of this

group are at raising

their children that’s the number one

concern if you are terrible at raising your children

your children will become problems they’re gonna

break into cars they’re

gonna be pains in the

asses they’re gonna

cause crime

the less of

those the more

people that do a good job raising your kids

the better the more

people that immoral the better yeah or if you’re an

idiot at least

yield to yourself and say i’m an

idiot i’m gonna

make my kid not an idiot

how do you write

this chat you know

idiots don’t know they’re

idiots man almost

every idiot

thinks scary

thinks the world’s fucking them over

and they really

should have got a better

break you know

whenever you hear that from a person look

the world fucks everybody over

stupid yeah

every somewhere

along the line of your life

you’re gonna

think you should have got this and it didn’t happen

and this should

want your way

and it didn’t what’s what you

think of it and it’s

all that poor me shit i’m

like you know what take a look what if you looked in

japan what if you look

at you know anywhere else

where it sucked

it’s like get some perspective it’s like

guys will come to you with some stupid

stupid shit like yeah man i can’t catch a

break man i was this girl

you know and

i thought she was the one and i was

ready to get

married and i got the ring

and i came over a fucking

apartment a day

earlier and she’s fucking this guy

and i can’t fucking believe it bro

i mean i can’t

catch a break

what do you mean can’t catch a

break you just got the best

break ever you almost

married that

crazy hooker

right you were

coming over there with a ring and she’s sucking some

other guy’s cock

you got like

clear evidence that

she’s a skank

you this is a time machine bro

you’re able to go into the future see how this

would have turned out

you can nip it at the bud

right here and you

you saved yourself

attorney’s fees in a long lengthy process

yeah you caught an awesome

break you can’t catch a

break you just can’t handle your

break it’s all a matter of perspective you just want

everything to be perfect

right it’s not

gonna be perfect but

you just caught a huge

break that guy

realistically he should

shed a couple tears

and then start

laughing and go god

damn i got off life

think about what if you had kids with this

crazy you work

home with kids and their

happy meals and moms sitting on some so

some cars come

right in the living room hoping to get it done

quick before

her husband comes home but they don’t time it

right and you walk in

like that’s how

crazy that bitch is

your kids are

watching her sucking off some giant

black fucking telephone worker

and then you have to consider this you have to consider

you have to consider

why are you attracting

these kind of

chicks into your life to begin with

are you that

big of a dope that you attracted some kind of

chick like that well sometimes they

trick you just by being hot

that’s a real problem with dudes i don’t know if it’s

a warning girl

being hot it must be the same problem with

girls because girls wind up with jerky guys you know

those jerky guys must just fuck

the shit out of them no yeah that’s probably what’s

going on there

a little bit of

you know a little

bit of you know some sort of a problem in

their personality some sort of a

this weird disorder

where they can’t get someone out of

their life there’s

the people that have that

what do they call that

like they have some kind of codependency

issue yeah codependent

issues yeah

yeah i mean there’s people that have that but

other than that you

gotta think

that guy’s probably fucking

the shit out of that girl

it’s just like i don’t get people who are in

these miserable fucking relationships it’s like i love

my girl i love her

cause she’s fun to kick it with and

i like to hang out with her you know what i mean you’re

lucky if i didn’t like her

i get rid of her

i think here’s two

keys number one you like yourself yeah

that’s huge yeah and

your girl likes herself too so you’re you’re both happy

right and as

happy as you can be

reason it’s not

magical it’s not like

every day we wake up it’s like oh

honey i love you so much

we wake up it’s like don’t even talk

right right but it’s like if you can get

if two people

can live their lives and not break each

other’s balls

not create drama that kind of

thing and i know that

sounds very

nirvana and ideal

it’s possible though but it

is possible because i’m not asking for too much either

right you know what i mean

right you have

to be you have to be reasonable and you have to be even

in like what you

expect out of that

person and you know how you how you deal with them too

and i know who i can be i can

be a real dick

it’s like you know we’re guys girls says something

stupid you’re

gonna be a dick back

especially like if you’re really struggling

if you’re really

trying to put it down it’s hard man you get that

grinding mentality

where you’re always like trying to go go go get

ahead get ahead get ahead

and then when someone trips that up with

i need too much attention i need this i need that

like it’s very difficult to be

considerate

you feel like will you shut the fuck up and

leave me alone yeah i got shit

going on here and then you

start to realize that

after a few years that that

never serves you well

cause now you’ve got a six hour

fight instead of a two hour fight

and you know and you were partially to

blame i always try

to step back

i always try to fix it though i always stay in

relationships longer because i’m like you know what i

should try to work together with something like

a problem because i mean like if it was anything

like if i was sick down the line what is she just

gonna drop me because i’m sick

no you should

right so i always have that

mentality so

i’ve been in relationships where

i lasted an

extra year and a half

and it was just trying to fix

the relationship

sometimes it works i

mean people have gotten

rough patches in

their relationships and they pull themselves out of it

but but it’s like what are you accepting though

you can’t fix

that other person

you know i can’t and that’s the

thing i’m not in it to fix that

other person

it’s like i accept that and then i’ll work on the

things like

myself like i’ll act like my dad sometimes just

clam up and be like a 1950s dickhead dad you know

just reading the

papers smoking and

drinking and don’t even fucking talk to me

you know i’ll be like that then i’ll have to

snap myself out of it because i’d be like alright you

know look at

it from her side who wants to be with this asshole

it’s like knowing a little bit

about yourself

too and working on that plus we’re talking

about girls that just

learned to drive like

three years ago yeah

they still got a

brain that’s like trying to

learn how life

operates and

they’ll take it to the mat they’ll

fight you forever

what do you mean

well you’re talking

about girls

you’re dating we’re just

graduated winners

brian yeah his

girlfriend’s not 20 years old she just turned

27 last monday the fuck

brian that’s a

woman that’s my woman

but i got her when she was 22

nice yeah you got her i got her

with the man i

found her on myspace i was

trolling for whores and that one

found its way in the net what’s the edge difference

four years listen to this fucked up

story because

brian was telling

me this before the podcast so i said listen stop

you got to tell me this

during the podcast if you’re willing to talk about this

so he’s complaining

about his girlfriend

girlfriend getting harassed so listen

to this i wasn’t

complaining i was

anywhere sort of

no i was just saying how

funny is this okay that

she’s filming a

movie in ron jeremy

she’s okay your

girlfriend is a porn star

yeah but she wasn’t this is an important

she’s filming a horror movie

and but everybody

should know for sure

but she’s girl girl so that’s only girl girl yeah

so those are legit that’s legit

so anyways ron jeremy is there and

this has happened

with my ex girlfriend

where like ron jeremy who also was a pornstar

ron jeremy came up and said hey give me a kiss on the

mouth you know and she well

shocking you know this is crazy

but it’s funny the second he walks in he’s just like oh

i didn’t know there was

gonna be any beautiful

women there to hear she’s telling you all this yeah

you think she’s trying to make you jealous

no cause i am the one that asked about it

i like did ron jeremy

do any creepy shit and she goes well no well yeah i

guess he did you know

i kept on trying

to get it out of her she didn’t just come up and go hey

ron jeremy did this

you say creepy shit but that’s like

standard pornstar behavior that’s

what’s creepy

for him though you know that’s not creepy no no no

what’s creepy is

like cause i’ve seen it in my own eyes what he does

with my ex girlfriend

they were cutting a ribbon an event

like it was him and her both

cutting in a ribbon

she’s never

met him before he’s like putting up his arm around her

and like rubbing

her back and she’s like whoa ho you know what the fuck

you know just very

touchy feely

and then saying

like whispering her

ears like you

know everyone wants to see us make out so let’s do this

and she’s like no i’m not

gonna make out with you

why are you hating on his game

i’m not that’s what

you do when you run jeremy

i know but you’re in your head you’re to

think i’m hating

i’m just asking what

do any creepy shit

okay so what you were just like you weren’t

upset that he did it you

expected it

up no not upset

at all your

girlfriend your

girlfriend by the way

we should just say you know we’ve

labeled her porn star she’s very nice

person you know whatever the fuck she does for a living

brian’s girls very nice

but you know man that’s fucking

it’s like the

scorpion biting the frog bro

oh no no i’m not saying my name again

i just wanted to hear a way i would

expect him to

bring a boner

everywhere he went yeah and whip

it out too like hey you guys like boners you know

and he prides himself on not

using viagra

he doesn’t give a fuck oh

cause i don’t use it i don’t believe in it

yeah fucking animal

i can’t believe

i couldn’t imagine him not doing something every

venereal disease that’s ever

existed is fighting

against each

other to the

death inside his body

yeah yeah they’re all just

duking it out

he stays like i bet

if he takes tests he has nothing he shows completely

clean i know

because they’re all

killing each other

it looks like the battle of gettysburg herpes

versus age just

going at it there’s no

antibodies necessary because the

viruses just

fight themselves yeah

the t cells are on the sidelines laughing

yeah everyone’s going

jesus this is just an internal warfare

if someone wins then he’s got a real

issue cause then the host

will get attacked

i guess i i feel somewhat comforted to know he

would act like

that it’s almost like finding out michael jordan

i met michael jordan one time and he talked basketball

and he talked it openly and i was very

happy about that

right i got

to talk basketball

you know you got to talk puss with

with a pus smith

essentially you know it’s like in

ron jeremy and it’s like

you know sometimes you want

somebody he’s

he’s an ambassador of what he does i

think it’s fair yeah

yeah so you want

him to be an ambassador

yeah you don’t want

ron jeremy to be fucking doing yoga and

drinking wheatgrass yeah

exactly banging hoes at

every bus stop

right the that’s what he’s doing it’s goddamn

ron jeremy i actually

found it awesome

at the end of the shoot

he comes up and goes

so if you want to come to the rainbow room

later i promise not to molest you

something like that

you know how many times that got him his dick sucked

about a million

about a million yeah

there was a year ago there was

a celebrity golf tournament that i

think was bret

michaels or one of those guys

once a year

and every hole

there was like a different porn star

or stripper or something

my ex girlfriend was working

like the eighth hole or whatever this golf tournament

and there was

these two girls with them that were just total like

porn stars like

heart like amateur

strippers slash pornstars

escorts or whatever the

fuck show you whatever they did

yeah unfortunate

tattoos yeah they saw

ron jeremy and the one girl just turned

and goes oh my god i’ve got to suck his dick

and just went

right over to

ron and they just

started pouring

going down their

pants sucking his dick

right on the golf course and my

girlfriend at the time is just taking

video like look at this the city

he had sex with her on the golf course

they just blow job but yeah

last time you told me the

story you told me this

sucks i don’t remember

but i just i just thought of it

right now supplemented your stories i

don’t want to say sex if

it didn’t happen i knew

i’m pretty sure you

last time you

told me he bent her over and he was banging her

right there on the golf

course and that’s

what happened but i remember blowjob i don’t

either way that’s pretty cool

ron jeremy being

ron jeremy yeah i

think it’s sweet i

think that’s exactly what he has

to be but it’s just hilarious to me that does it seem

weird to you like what is it like dating some

chick that you know that all

these other dudes

could see her

pussy and she’s

gonna i don’t give a shit

about that dildos in there and stuff

i don’t care about that

doesn’t bother me at all

what is it has she been in a lot of

things like is it

exciting was it

exciting yeah is it

something extra thrilling

about it’s kind of cool because like i love porn

i love i love

women i love

women’s bodies if

she has a nice body it’s not like i’m like

no you guys can’t see this to me

it’s like dude

check this shit

out people really

celebrate porn and like no certain like i’ve always

i love sex big time i

guess i just have a pretty good imagination

i can get one out over something from eighth

grade that i remember

you know and porn’s always

been like fishing to me i love fishing but i’m not

that into watching it i’d rather be doing it kind of

thing right you know

but it seems now that porn has

taken on a real like

there are actually

are more than one stars like it seems like

people really make names for themselves is she in that

yeah yeah yeah that kind of

known circle

yeah she’s a

she’s an award winner it’s

becoming more

she’s an award

winner eyebrows

right she won

she’s an award winner she won the grab your

ankles award

you know the biggest differences

joe is is that if

if i didn’t meet her

like as a normal person and then she got into porn that

would have been hardcore

oh yeah you have to

see i couldn’t

deal with that like if my

girlfriend just one day just like hey i want to

start doing porn how about

right oh right yeah

so you accept

her as she is when you met

somebody who’s already opened up pandora’s box

and i want to help her look dude this is a

crazy world it doesn’t have to make sense it did

just whatever you like if you like it that’s good

if you guys are friendly together that’s

great there’s no worries

all that bullshit about

worrying what other people

think and other people’s judgments

it ain’t gonna last people this shit

is temporary temporary as fuck your everybody is slowly

gonna give out on you

and you’re gonna be left with a

wreck of a life trying to fucking look back at it

going why didn’t i

enjoy this yes

why didn’t i just have some fun that’s why

none of it matters it’s all a joke it’s all a joke

it’s all fun yeah if you choose to go in that direction

if i had a like a

sweet body like if i worked on my body hardcore

a sweet body

like like if i was rocking joe rogan’s body

right here cuz it’s sweet

if i was right

i would totally be

i would not give a shit i’d be showing my dick non stop

i bet you warn

i would be doing whatever who cares yeah

but like i don’t want to be the fucking minion

i don’t want to be like

that the minion

check out my indentment

tootie so for the

folks who don’t know what you’re talking

about there’s a website

where a guy we’ve talked

about on the

podcast for is really ugly and he fucks all

these hot chicks

he’s ugly and fat and he calls himself the minion

what’s this game

it’s just the

numbers game oh is he a porn game yeah i

guess you just pay him they’ll fuck you

you know i mean you ever seen

those amateur

ones there was a girl from arizona

state that got busted she got kicked out of

school because they

i don’t know i

guess they have some sort of a fucking morals

clause you’re not allowed to do porn at asu

yeah whatever it was i mean

maybe maybe i’m reading it wrong

maybe she got

fired from her job there

i don’t think

so though i’m pretty sure she was a student there yeah

and anyways

or maybe she lost her

what the fuck the

story is anyway

this poor girl you know she’s just dumb she got

tricked next

thing you know she’s doing porn and they

put it up on

the internet and all her fucking friends in

school like

oh my god debbie sucking this guy’s dick and

you know it

doesn’t matter

what the guy looks like they just have this set up

this is a lot of them

girl comes in

there’s cameras this is like

most a lot of people’s

favorite type of porns

what is this like voyeurism or

something well

it’s like an interview porn this is what it is

there’s a guy in the room and

you see it from his perspective you don’t see him ever

so he’s got like

the camera on the girl walks in the room and then he

starts asking her questions

where are you from how old are you

have you ever done this before no

you know you know what you’re here for yeah and then

asking a bunch of questions

where’d you grow up blah blah blah blah

blah you know you

married do you have any kids

the whole deal

you here to suck some cock yeah

and then you

know the guy pulls his dick out and the girl

starts sucking pain and you can see there’s like

this weird fucking energy in the air

because they both know that they’re doing this and it’s

gonna get online

right they’re

gonna do this

online i mean they’re not really porn stars i mean

he’s not really a porn star and she’s just some chick

who’s getting

talked into doing this i mean you know they

haven’t gone

to vivid and worked on you talk

about casting couches or yeah

those are all like

you know yeah yeah

no some of them are fake they all

they can’t film it

unless they have already

done a drug test or if they’ve already signed all

their papers like

every part of the country

in at least most

at least unites i mean that’s probably

the rules i bet that’s the rules but i’m sure

there’s people

out there gorillaing they’re pretty hardcore

about it yeah they are pretty hardcore

about it i’ve seen

those what do you mean though i mean

if a girl sucks a guy’s dick on

video they have to get a

yep it’s just to get a drug test

or or not drug test ai

states test

in the whole country in the

whole country are you positive

about that i’m pretty positive i’m not

we should research

that i know at

least okay let’s not talk about that

until we figure this out because this is a

silly conversation that

because that’s the main crux of the issue

right i mean i know a lot of them are fake but

a lot of them like this girl from asu this a

perfect example that’s fake

those are porn stars right

well they’re not

just porn stars but they’re the

whole like the

whole thing you

up the whole

thing’s been

set up right all that one but not all of them

right these gorilla ones

where you don’t even see the guy’s face

yeah there’s got to be some there’s a lot of growth

if it’s on a website that’s making

money and it’s a

legit website

then yes it’s fake

where would we find this out

uh hold on make a phone call

make a phone call

porn rules what

would you google

freddy locker

i was butthole

california std test

rules for taking loads on face on

camera film

porn uh law

no brian this is not true porn stars

could see mandatory std testing

could see they do not have them

right now what’s the date on that is not man

may eleventh

or excuse me

march twenty first

two thousand eleventh

pretty sure

about that i’m reading it

right now bro

on the la weekly

porn stars in

california will see

stricter safety rules on how they do their

thing on set

just like construction

worker has to wear a hard hat they

might have to do don

condoms and cement to tests

they’re saying they don’t have mandatory tests yet

for my understanding it’s already been mandatory

i don’t know really yeah

why they saying this in

la weekly then bro

i don’t know

these bitches

are telling you they’re getting tested and you just

no no because

i’m fucking living off

those tests i’m like let me

see oh cool i don’t have aids

again this week that

la weekly is free

they don’t have any reason to lie to me

yeah i don’t think

la is lying

oh i know that what’s

been lately is the condom laws

where they’re trying to make it so i

think they’ve already made it

sound mandatory bro here’s the deal in porn

world in la they already test

their performers regularly

that hasn’t stopped diseases including hiv

positive scandal for one gay performer last year yeah

apparently it’s not they do it they do it a lot

but it doesn’t seem to be

like a law so the girl at asu

sounds real though i

think that some of my i

think it is real

some of the followers are from asu

i think there’s

an asu mackenzie following me find out that asu well

there’s been a few guys that posted on our board

that were porn guys one of them man

did just really humiliation porn

he would like it was

really kind of depressing

he would tell the stories

about how he roped

these chicks in and how

like you know a lot of them were like single moms and

they needed

money for the rent

and how he would

hook it up and the next

thing you know they

would do be doing like internet porn forum

it’s really

crazy yeah i mean i

would imagine everybody recruiting

especially for the internet porn is

gonna be sleazy

cause you’re gonna go

after who’s weak just like a

you know a military recruiter is

gonna go after

a 17 year old

i just confuse

his stories again

the guy who was the

bringing in the

women and getting and paying for the rent and shit like

that that wasn’t a porn guy he was a guy who used to

write stories

about it he had a website about it

i completely confused it

the porn guys

that’s a different story

damn i hate when i do that

when the stories that you really

never thought

about for years

and they’re somewhere in the back your head

then you combine them together and you’re like wait a

minute you guys stop moving

yeah stay still

what are you doing wearing his

clothes you get over there

you know you fuckers you

tricked me there for a

second let’s say i get that all the time or

you just simply thought you made it up i thought i’d

made i remember in

fifth grade we buried a time

capsule in our school

and i was driving the

other day and

i was like holy shit we buried a fucking time

capsule it was 89

i was like i wonder if they

dug it up so i

emailed the

school that i went to back in 89 i was like hey

my name is freddie lockhart

yeah i said my name is freddie lockhart you

know i went to

school there in 89

i’m curious we buried a time

capsule did you guys find it she’s like

funny enough we did

you know unearth it

and it had some

water damage but

in my mind i thought we

stuck like a game boy in there i

think what i’m doing is just associating all

things 1989 we shoved in there

but in 1989 i don’t

think any kid on

earth would

spare their fucking game boy

for a capsule a time capsule

i think what it just was was like

pictures and

prices of candy bars and shit

but i was just so compelled by just that

that memory popping in my head

i got with that lady and

sounds like she’s probably been there this

whole time too she’s

like it’s always nice to hear from former students

and yes we did dig it up i was like bitch

what was the treasure in there or what it turns out

just papers and shit

no game boy

i thought for

sure i had a game boy in there it was just papers

like you know like newspapers and

things of the day

but to me it’s

like i’m more impressed like i wanted to see

since the technological revolution has gone leaps and

bounds since 1989 to now

that’s what we

should have put in there is like you know some outdated

shit so we could

laugh at it now have you ever thought

about like buying one of

those off of

like amazon or ebay or something like that just

to see what it’s like to play with it now what’s that

some old ass game boy

oh i have all

the old ass game boy that you have all that

stuff i have all the

atari i have all the

boxes i have all

those really

i have no storage why do you

think my office is so crap

i have an old intent

i was telling him earlier

there’s a show

on justin tv this guy

guy called the

angry gamer you

seen it and this guy’s fucking hilarious he says nerd i

guess he’s like in his

early thirties but he reviews old

video games it’s his

whole job he’s got this

whole basement

nintendo games as

far as the eyes can see sega genesis games you name it

he’ll review it but as an

adult an intellectual

adult who curses like a sailor

he’ll review the game

and it’ll take you

back to when you’re nine years old and you’re playing

rygar or something

like how the fuck do i jump over here

he uncovers glitches and he shows you that i was

right there was no way to do that

the whole time but i got to

watching this dude shit like nine episodes

he’s just pissed

about everything

he’s like now i’ll play it on the original game boy

this game fucking sucks

he never likes anything but he

voices your frustrations as a nine year old as an

adult that’s so weird

i think what is it the

angry gamer i

think it’s fucking hilarious

fucking hilarious so weird

reviewing old shit it’s retro

reviews though

but that’s cool shit you know

especially to

go back and really review something from an

adult perspective i thought it was

just a dumb kid i was like ah i can’t figure it out it

doesn’t work

but now i realize

i was a dumb kid

but there was a glitch as well

yeah fucking

retro gaming it’s pretty amazing i bought something the

other day on my ipad i’m like you know what

is it like an old

classic game i was like i

think this is

probably the

sixth time i’ve bought this game oh yeah

like pac man i’ve bought pac man

at least 20 times in my life and who knows how many

quarters spent

on arcade version two

yeah imagine trying to explain

video games to someone in the middle ages

yeah i know it was

where do you

start okay you know what 8 bits are

all right you know how you draw

pictures now

imagine that moving not even

trolling no you control it with a mouse

sounds like

a keyboard yeah

i imagine trying to

explain how to work an iphone to somebody 10 years ago

imagine getting

split yeah right

touchscreen yeah

there was that episode

of the show journeyman did you guys ever see that show

short lived time

traveling series on abc

journeyman i

think it was like 2007

and it was really fucking good of course i’m a time

travel nerd so i was probably the only one

watching it

but he goes back to like 1981 and he gets shot

and he has to go seek medical attention at the hospital

they find his iphone laying on his

chest and this doctors like what the fuck

like scrolling through and i love that shit

just to see

that’s what i

would time travel to go blow

people’s minds with shit yeah if you showed someone

an iphone just 20 years ago they

would really

really fucking freak out

it’s amazing how you

could touch the screen

and it knows like

where your finger

touches like for letters and shit like

that yeah it’s amazing how accurate that is but you

know how long the shits been out though go look like

the first touchscreen

phone was like

sprint or somebody put one out nineteen ninety two

and it was an all

touchscreen

color phone it

was of course it was like 2 000 bucks

like google first

would you remember

that newton

mac newton sure

i remember that

stupid pad the

first ipad my very

first development deal i came over here

this guy who was

this big executive at disney

had one and he was it was showing us all in the office

and we’re like

whoa what the fuck is that he’s like this is a newton

i didn’t know that was

released yeah it was for a couple years

wow this is like 93 94

somewhere around

then yeah they did them 92 93 94 at the end you

could email

from them too

you could fax

email do all that

that’s incredible

that was pc only

that’s so back in the day man it

really is it’s

funny when you think

about it but it’s like all that

stuff it was

they knew they

wanted to do that shit what i want to do is go blow

steve jobs his mind and show him the shit he’s

gonna invent but show him when he’s 20

yeah you know

yeah right yeah no kidding look what you’re

gonna come up with

yeah well you’d probably ruin it all

yeah you would you’d fuck up

everything in time if he knew that he was

going to be that

successful maybe he

wouldn’t work as hard

so in that journeyman what happened is he

leaves his iphone back there

and nanotechnology has now

sped up 30 years because

he left it back in the past so he gets back to his

present and

nanotechnology rules the world

there’s just nothing but like

what is this in

what is this

journeyman it’s called a journeyman it was a

one season on abc

fucking fantastic really it’s on hulu you can

catch all the episodes on hulu and we just

it got cancelled or got cancelled you know it is big

budget time

travel small

brains don’t pick up you know journeyman i never even

heard of it

yeah it was

short it was really good

it was really good it

was done in the way that you wanted it to be done time

travel like they really hit the

things i wanted

to see did they end it like they knew they

were ending it or did they just end it out of the blue

it seems like they

ended it out of the blue it’s probably one of

those things we went to christmas

break really bitches

it’s up in the air

it’s over kids

i was at target the

other day fucking just looking at cameras

cause like my little

digital camera thing

broke and so i’m trying to find like a little

small camera and

all the cameras were out of stock

because of the

japan thing

and then i read the

other day that the new iphone is now

rumored to be in september

instead of june

maybe because of the

japan thing i’m not sure

but i’m just amazed like how

much that fucking shit has affected

you know that’s nothing dude me buying a camera yeah

that’s a tiny

thing that’s a tiny

thing the real

issue is this fucking

the radiations coming out of there now man do you think

japan’s unlivable now do you think it’s

well they’ve jacked it up to chernobyl

level 7 there yeah

they didn’t

think it was

gonna get that bad

they said it’s

still not as bad as chernobyl

because it’s more contained

and chernobyl had ash fires that burned for days and

spread the shit and spread the

radioactive material

but it’s problematic man it’s a big big

issue and they don’t know how much

worse it’s going to get and

they keep getting

earthquakes there too they had another one the

other day a

strong seven

and it never gets better

right radiation you can’t

always gonna be there

right that’s

like deadly for a hundred thousand years right

it’ll be fucked up for so long

fucking asians are

gonna actually have tentacles coming out of them

the idea that we have this i mean

nuclear power is one of the all time

craziest ideas and everybody was like nuclear powers

it’s one of

these things he’s fucking

tie wearing republican cunt bags

these assholes that are always like hey

what’s the alarm

what do you

alarm is these

liberals want to

listen there’s nothing

wrong with nuclear

power nuclear powers clean

it’s safe like outside of three

three mile island in chernobyl

where’s the problems we’ve had nuclear

power for 30 years

30 years is a goddamn

blink of an eye

this it’s nothing

if human beings are

gonna exist

in the future thousands and thousands of years from now

what are we

gonna keep piling up

these fucking toxic rods

until we have one part of the glow

where you couldn’t even fly over it in a

plane or your fucking

plane will melt and everyone will die of cancer

the fuck are you gonna do

how are you gonna

store all that shit

i mean this

thing in sweden i

think it is

where they have a

tunnel that

goes deep into the

earth in this

vault they created that’ll last 100 000 years

just to keep

these fucking

things in it

geez that’s

ridiculous i mean the idea of

splitting atoms to

light homes though and harnessing it and

their man think that we can control

splitting atoms

like oh but what’s the options you look at the grid

look at like

fly over la and look at the size of that fucking grid

look at all those

goddamn lights

look at all those

houses like a circuit

board it’s insane how big it is don’t

you think it

should be mandatory solar

collector roofs or something like that it should be

something for

california 100 man

for well it’s the problem is it’s really expensive you

know people can barely afford to put gas in

their tank right now

i mean now gas is 420 for regular

i saw that yesterday i was like what the fuck is that

420 for regular i mean that’s incredible i

spent 90 bucks filling my tank the other day

dude that’s

wrong really

what do you

drive you know

these fucking

cunts that we have run in this country man there’s

a there’s a

story that matt taibi

wrote for rolling

stone about the

i put it on my twitter

earlier today because somebody

retweeted it

or somebody sent it to me and i retweeted it and it is

mind boggling and it’s all

about the wives of bankers

getting these

the rolling

stone article is called the real

housewives of wall street

and it’s about

these wives of

these fucking bankers getting these

250 million dollar loans

it’s incredible

this story will make your fucking blood boil

they tapped into the

money that was

supposed to be

for the bailout

and the bailout provided a

bunch of different loan options

and it was basically

to re stimulate the economy

fucking multi

multi multi millionaire bankers saw this opening in the

system and capitalized

on it oh my god dude it’s terrifying

and the way

these these

these bonds and

these these

things work is they they buy up

sketchy bonds

and if the bonds fail if

everything fails

they don’t have to pay the

money back but

if they profit they make

money off of it

the whole thing it’s mind boggling

it’s crazy people

it’s so scary

it’s crazy i mean

it’s not admiral it’s almost

crazy how you see

the second something

comes somebody finds a way to exploit it

i mean somebody finds some loophole in there

and shame on

obama’s entire administration ambushes all

these court not

for not putting some literature

in that document saying that you cannot you know

no no profit

should be made off

this you know from the bankers are the bankers wives

250 million well

that’s that’s one

thing but how

about there

should be no fucking the

that the bailout is the way they’ve

structured is

completely insane it’s like free money

there’s no accountability no

accountability

account account for the

money we’re

not getting receipts either when it’s not like

the united states

citizens who paid the

taxes towards this

get to review where the

money went so there’s like an account of it so you can

watch and track it

right no you can’t man they don’t know

where the fuck it’s

going the whole

thing is complete utter

chaos and it’s

completely out of line

these people are getting

giant bonuses man

they’re their banks failed and they got bonuses

they get the rich get richer and the

money comes directly from the taxpayer there is no

money the bank has failed they don’t have any

money so they get an infusion of

money from the

federal government and then they have to pay

these guys money these guys

millions and millions of dollars and it’s amazing that

obama gets away with this

that all of them get away with this

you are supposed

to be the fucking president you asshole

you’re supposed to be protecting people from this shit

this is not supposed to have ever happened

and when this does happen

you’re the one who’s supposed to be us

the one is supposed to step it

and say what

the fuck man you’re

obama you’re 46 years old man

you’re only a few years

older than me yeah you’re a few

years older than me you’re you’re my friend

right and you’re in there with

these fucking cunts you’re not saying shit

yeah you letting these guys

steal money

you’re letting them

steal billions

across the economy

and continue to do business as

usual and the banks get bigger and bigger

because they fucking buy up

these other failing banks

and then they become even more

untouchable and american cities with dk like detroit

and what they helps you get in

power so that’s what’s up like

where is his name

are you gonna

when you get out are you

gonna tell us what’s up

what happens then is he

gonna get maybe he loses this year newt gingrich wins

and he tells us exactly how the fucking

world works yeah

you know is that

gonna happen

please well i’m sure he got in and just like any

other aspiring

man of anybody running for president i don’t really

think it’s been

since kennedy

or someone like that who’s really in it for

you know political reasons and even

kennedy was

grooming for it

you know he was

groomed for he was of the pedigree

but the thing is like

now it’s a corporate it’s a ceo

job you’re not

you’re the top of the company now you’re not like you

said a man of the people for the people by the people

and he might have gone into that

thing thinking he could be

but once you

sit down they sit you in that room look boy you’re the

puppet do you

think that’s true though

or do you think it’s just all bullshit i don’t

think he has any

power and i don’t

think it’s any

worse than it’s ever been ever

i think i think everybody

it gets up in arms it’s like look at nixon look at all

those guys everybody was

how could you not be president and

start to develop some

grandiose ideas yeah but dude you gotta

financially

it’s never been this way

it’s never been

with the deregulation that was passed during the

reagan administration and continued all through clinton

and bush and all this

that has allowed

these financial institutions to

get into a position that we’re supposed to be protected

from after the

great depression

after the great

depression they put all sorts of laws in place

so that banks couldn’t get

risky with your

money and do

crazy shit and then wind up losing

everything right

which they did to us they got rid of all that shit they

get rid of all that shit and then unchecked growth and

spending came because of that and

these guys these

motherfuckers

took all kinds of

crazy chances with people’s money

and then it all fell

apart and then banks collapsed and people lost

their life savings what’s happening too like

you look now the cell

phone companies are narrowing down to two there’s

virtually two banks anymore that’s not that bad though

no one’s getting ripped off

this financial institution

thing what happened with the market

is a goddamn

heist it’s a

giant heist

people made millions of dollars in

front of everyone’s face

after the banks failed and

obama didn’t do a damn

thing it’s a heist

and it went on

he knows it

it went on in

the 80s too the lincoln savings and loan scandal

but not like this this is the

biggest one by far ever that’s ever been perpetrated by

these people

the whole thing is

fraudulent the whole

thing is a scam

from the very beginning

they knew everything was

illegitimate they knew what they were doing was

wrong they were trying to offering clients

like stocks that they knew that they were betting

against they were betting

against these

stocks yet they were offering up to

their clients

the whole thing is sickening man it’s sickening and

obama ain’t doing shit

he’s not saying

anything he’s not doing anything he’s not

freaking out yeah

it’s sickening i don’t

think he can’t i don’t

think he will

i mean he doesn’t want to lose his job he’s

gonna and all

those people

you know they help you get

elected i know but being to do what

what are you

gonna do you are you hold are you holding

the barbarians back at the gate i mean

is there so many

spears and swords coming through that

gate you’re just barely keeping us

alive i don’t

think he’s doing that i

think you are

here’s the idea

of being president to get your presidential library

built whether you

serve for eight years

and to sell your book and to get your deal

you know and to say that you did that in politics

because i bet

you george w bush is having a dandy old life now

and a good old time hey

brian people get real distracted when you start

wandering off when we’re having conversations

i’m actually

just trying to fix the lag that everyone’s talking

about right now i can’t fix lag

ustream is just being itself

it’s just not that

spectacular

yeah i did catch

the charlie sheen

ustream but

it wasn’t the

first one was

ridiculously bad

we had like all

those cronies

you realize wow this is why that guy’s simon

rex i hadn’t

heard that name

since 1996 who is it one of the

dudes who was hanging out with charlie sheen in that

first u stream set

the guy from duran duran he

was not he was a

tvvj and there

was some scandal happen i can’t remember what something

put the kibosh on his fledgling career really

yeah something

come on porn man i

think it involved porn

or something

porn man porn man

porn man sure you like the

naked nickelodeon

simon rex i don’t remember him

so he was one of the ones that

was there so he was one of the hangers on and then you

could tell like the

other dude looked like some out of work jazz

musician it’s like you can tell like

now dude was geeking

off of drugs and i don’t know he was on him but i

think he was geeking off of him

and his judgment was

super suspect that

not already so

i think he was also

swimming in all the love that he was getting from all

these people winning was all over

he had over a million followers almost instantly

and i think he’s like i’m the fucking shit

people i told you

these fucking

trolls they’re

gonna they’re

gonna wish they didn’t get rid of me you know

i’ll you know i’m

gonna have a

the public will

demand that i come back yeah

but man you’re

going out there on some fucking thin branches son

it’s very hard for a guy like him

to take that howard beal

kind of zeal

that he was taking because at the end of the day is

you know howard bill had a lot to say whereas

charlie sheen has a lot of bumper

stickers a lot of

catchphrases and that’s fine

but as you’re seeing as you go out there this thing’s

petering on

fumes now and you’re

starting to realize out baldwin did an

op ed piece i

think like in the huffpost or something a

direct letter to him

being like quit being a douchebag

alex baldwin yeah

and he’s like here’s the

thing you’re going

against douchebags and you’re acting like one you’re

gonna lose don’t

fight the network just apologize go back

and i was like well

apparently alec baldwin

said he acted like charlie sheen during the

hunt for red

october it was supposed to be a

whole bunch of

movies for him

and he didn’t get him because

he was getting all like that too like bigger than the

production oh really

you know at the end of the day

if this thing turned out to be a hoax

i would say charlie sheen’s fucking brilliant

but he’s not brilliant enough to pull off this hoax

this is you know

this is for real and this is sad and it’s a guy who

i haven’t been sad once

watching him i’ve been

enjoying the shit out of it i can’t i can’t

watch those fucking

videos where they show you how they kill pigs you know

how they you know i can’t

watch those i’ve

ignored the

whole entire

thing i have not

watched you

know i’ve watched a couple

seconds when we talked

about it well that and

that one podcast babe i see i’m very into it i’m not

against when

something happens

like a lot of people there’s there’s people something

like that will happen and then there’s the the

whole sec that people like but you know

screw truly sheen don’t don’t watch him

like yeah i’m

gonna watch him just play with it it’s fun

it’s interesting this man’s falling down i like it

i think it’s fun

i think it’s a lot i don’t

think it’s good it’s

definitely not i mean i

wouldn’t go

maybe i would go to the live show for like 10 minutes i

would if they put it online i

would watch it

you know i’d

watch a video of it

if it was somebody else

how strange it was if it was somebody else

maybe i just

never got into

shame like wow i like hot shots i don’t that’s

about it i just wondered

wall street yeah

gordon gekko

that was a long cartoon

1987 and 86

tune best picture went 87

nominated best

picture wall

street 87 the guy had a legit

little run there for a

while do you remember that

movie was it invasion

or something like that

alien invasion what the fuck

six ish yeah

yeah with that

black kid in head yeah

watch it on a

airplane from new york

solid fucking sci fi

flick i was turned onto that by dave foley

we were doing news

radio together

and he came back from the weekend with a big

smile on his face he goes

i saw a really good sci fi movie

they tell me is this without that

movie is good

yeah was it

called was it

alien invasion

i don’t remember what you’re

talking invasion

that people

i think it’s nineteen ninety six it was about

black kid and him that narrows

down but i watch it on a plane

and i think i

watched it on a

plane from west virginia to phoenix arizona hmm

i saw tron the

other day finally 3d

watched most of

it and watched

you know the cgi

was completely horrible for that dude

there’s been

way better movies with better cgi oh i

think i saw your

tweet when you’re

about to get into it some wine some weed and

tron yeah yeah i didn’t see the afters

simon rex in 1993 at

age 19 appeared solo

in scenes for

three masturbation porn films

arrival oh that’s

where and it came

to surface after he

started to get a name for himself yeah

yeah mm hmm

but the cgi

what’s the name

that’s dirt nasty

simon rex is dirt nasty

they’re the same guy

no no why is there a

photo the photo on wiki is so wonky wiki’s so

crazy man see

that’s that dirt nasty dude

it is dirt nasty dude that’s his website dirt

nasty means dirt nasty is simon rex could be

here man i’m sure somebody out there

nasty was like a rapper or

something i thought he is a rapper i

think it’s the same guy yeah i think it is because

simon wax is kind of like like a wigger type you know

makes sense

so yeah the cgi

was a jeff goldblum

that’s in the

movie where they

have like a younger version of him ah jeff goldblum

yeah is that his name yeah

that was so

awful though oh wait

no no bridges

nasty is a moniker employed by

simon rex wow yeah

dirt nasty is

simon rex that’s

crazy don’t know either of them

i’ve saw he

as dirt nasty has one song

that’s pretty fucking funny on youtube

he’s got some good songs man

he was a vj right on mtv yeah i

guess i don’t know him from that i only know him

from dirt recently

from dirt nasty from some of his songs that

some people on my message board

threw up some of the clips on youtube

they’re fucking funny man you know what the matter of

fact is that comedy

yeah it’s like comedy

comedy rap that makes

sense because i think he did refer to him as dirt

nasty in that first early

stream stream they’re fucking pretty good man

it’s funny stuff man

i enjoyed it

like the raps are pretty cool it’s like funny it’s

just rapping about partying

but this charlie sheen thing

we saw our boy kurt fox

do the charlie sheen thing

he did do the charlie sheen thing

he was the guy who but we know the guy

who went up

in detroit and bombed and everybody was booing

we know that guy

that’s a tough go

how many people do you

think were there and i didn’t

feel bad for him

that’s part of life bro you

wanna go out and do that

that’s what you get

things happen i

guess that’s what you’re asking for say love e

you know you’re asking to be a part of the circus

okay someone’s

gotta be the

monkey stupid

i saw an article that says that dennis

quaid wants to open for charlie xing

what hi dennis

quaid but not

charlie what’s dennis

quaid and do what

just be crazy i

guess justin

played the actor

randy quaid

sorry sorry dennis quaid god

sorry dennis

1980 put up pull up

1980 dirt nasty

yeah pull it up on

on youtube i hate that randy

quaid guy yeah he’s

legitimately fucked up but i like him

and national anthems christmas vacations cousin

eddie that’s brilliant

you serious clark

1980 dirt yeah yeah

it’s it’s good man you’re gonna like this

is this a rap video yeah yeah it’s a rap video and it’s

uh tell me when you’re gonna play it because i want to

play in sync ready

these are the chosen few

these are the selected youth

these are the ones that shine upon line meridian

with the fourth level of gondor bye

he’s in a studio

right now for the folks and he’s like rap in this

intertwined my mind upon thy nine caliber

russian roulette stamina tylenol

the fast track of the anomaly that preposterous my

words are meta

firms towards the

shut the fuck up man

what’s wrong with you

nothing man

you know i’ve been doing good quit smoking weed

you know i’ve been doing some yoga

little pilates just

getting more in tune with myself you know getting in

touch with mind

spirit and body

sound like a little bitch

take a hit of this and kick that old dirt

nasty shit about getting your dick sucked

that sounds like faze on love party friends

i got a gold chain

i’m on cocaine

i’m like yo

man he looks like the girl that guy that was married to

jessica simpson nick oh yeah nicoche

yeah this is i like this song man it’s silly i like it

drink box strike three drink i’m in the same box right

i think this is funny man

bring the pain and pop champagne

i got a gold chain i’m on cocaine

i think i’ve heard that before

i like it man i think it’s funny it’s funny

i thought it was good

very both barry silvel esque bc yeah reminds me of john

les joy yeah lesual

i think john’s doing that

yeah john’s hilarious yeah john’s got some

great shit i mean this is i mean i don’t know how many

other songs he’s got but yeah this was his

this is his

debut that’s

funny i didn’t even know he was doing that yeah

i guess i need to

start watching this charlie shane show

well this guy

i don’t know what he does with him i don’t know if

he raps what does he do does he do that i don’t know if

he goes on the road with him i just remember he was on

the verge of

the song the song’s hilarious that

would you know and have the

video playing in the

background and that

would keep the

crowd from yeah

maybe they could

close with it yeah i don’t know

it’s just i don’t know he was in new york

this week this weekend right i

heard he did charlie sheen yeah he was in new york

the charlie sheen report yeah

we’re following him like

he’s fucking bigfoot

it’s working seen in new york

and it’s working

his whole mission

yeah sort of

i mean he’s doing something city to

city it seems to be getting different reviews but this

isn’t new this

is now a lot of celebrities are doing this

thing going on on tour and not being comedians

who else who else is doing that

or have little

experience in comedy steve oh

he’s selling out

he’s doing a

stand up though

right he’s created that but the

thing is i like him

and i’m friends

with him and that guy is actually taking the time

to he really likes comedy and wants to

do it whereas

he’s just been

given a lot

early on because he’s already

famous you know

he’s headlining clubs

but i think he’s finding that’s hard

the way to fill it yeah that’s real hard to get thrown

that’s how charlie murphy did it

charlie murphy was

famous and then he was headlining yeah you hit the boom

you hit it hard because you’re realizing being

famous doesn’t supplement

no experience dude

being an open micer in

front of a giant

group of people that was paid to see you holy

shit that’s too much to

say yeah fuck yeah it is

but you know it’s charlie’s fault for

just diving in there

and wanting to be a headliner

i saw that clip of him

walking off the

stage tearing up the

check walking up well

fuck y’all walking away

i see things like that

and i’m like you know i see like some just you know the

thing like with

kirk and all that but then i see guys

like bill burr who take an audience and turn it around

well that’s

skill veteran

yeah and i can’t say anybody like

should be that good but the

thing is it’s like a real

skill would be

to now get them back on your side you know

yeah man yeah i know what you’re talking

about i mean

it’s it’s the hardest

thing in the

world and you’re

gonna go to detroit

where it’s already

tough times there and they took your

money that’s why then you got

no show for them yeah you’re just kind of like taking

their they’re not

gonna take that shit

and he’s like this is

experiment you know like i

understand it’s an

experiment but when you’re fucking selling out giants

auditoriums like that

like you you

gotta really you

gotta fuck her saying

so where does he go with this though

i don’t think he can keep doing it i

think eventually people are

gonna like wear thin of it and he’s

gonna wear thin of it too like he wanted to be

loved and all

sudden half the

places where he’s

going he’s getting booed

and people are shitting on him and

he’s got the

world’s attention and nothing to say

yeah and this is

not i mean even if he does have something to say like

he did this one

weird video

where he talked into the camera and

all this shit that he

wrote it was like really like produced

and written and that

speech kind of gave losing duh

moving on you know he was talking like

like hunter

s thompson yeah

you know exactly

here exactly and he was like it

was he was doing like

yeah i mean he even said

he was like

he held up his fucking

is you know the

ticket for this

thing was talking

about the ticket he was doing like a

marshall for it

buy the ticket

take the ride

and like use the hunter

s thompson line yeah

the whole idea

behind it is very strange this guy who’s this

huge huge multi

millionaire

super celebrity

and we are fascinated with him losing his job

and he’s trying

to like campaign to get his job back and we’re

paying money to see him talk right

i heard it best describe a lady said i read an

article it said

we’re so fascinated

with charlie sheen because a guy how can a guy

who has so much more than us have so much less than us

and that’s a

great way of putting the best summation of that guy he

does it’s like you know he’s loaded but he’s not he’s

got no marbles you know i’ll keep my marbles

that dude’s gone

and not good gone

marketable gone like i said

now you’re trying to go the folk hero

route you’re trying to go the conan o’brien

route but conan o’brien’s beloved

because he put that

much work into being beloved you know what i mean yeah

but when he here’s a perfect example

when he did his show

right he would go on the road he had of he had a

fucking show

and he’s an

entertainer and the

thing is it’s like now

he’s big enough he can go straight

to the people and say you know what fuck the network

people love me sure but i’ve been doing this since 93

every single fucking night

right you know charlie sheen just

started this it’s like you know

good luck with that i

think he fizzles out

if what’s his

name wanted to if conan o’brien wanted to he could do

arenas all over the country

and he would do like he

would be in detroit one

night and do a show

with no television whatsoever

yeah and higher

comics and higher

you know have

people come on have

musicians play

and do the conan o’brien

show like i say a 90

minute show and he

could do it all over the country and make fucking

ridiculous amounts and talk

about a guy who had real grievances with the network

you know what i mean and

never really aired them in a distasteful way

yeah while that

whole thing is so hard to fucking really figure out

because jay

leno they kept wanting to get rid of jay

leno and jay

leno was number one

yeah why would they want to get rid of them the

whole thing

was really ass handed

the way they did it was so dumb

and really conan o’brien

was better in the

later night i thought so too but they

should have

done i mean everybody wants the tonight show

but i’ll tell you what the conan o’brien

show was his fucking show man

it was his show it was his

there was a

whole culture behind it and the

thing is that’s like the tonight

show you almost need to be a lot more

generic like jay

leno to appeal to the masses

but there was

this is our

thing when you

watch conan late night

when i see someone wanting to leave

their job and go to another job you know that’s an

early i mean i get the fact that more people are

gonna be watching

earlier i get that but

what it says

to me is that guy didn’t get enough respect

he didn’t get enough appreciation from the network

they weren’t

behind him enough

in his eyes

he didn’t feel equal

you know he wanted that

other job that

other jobs the big job

i want the big job right what

about that big job

you know what you mean you’re fucking conan o’brien

man what difference does it make

if your show’s on a ten or if it’s on an eleven yeah

conan o’brien especially

tebow days yeah even

watches tv live exactly

i mean yeah you’re not some people are

gonna miss it because they’re

gonna go to bed

early so fucking what

plenty of people are

gonna watch it

right yeah just just be you just spew at 11

apparently over at

tbs they’re

like if he gets ratings like this he’ll stay on forever

life and at

tbs you get two million ratings

or two million viewers you’re fucking hit

but i went from being a big

conan fan to

having i’ve

watched it once on tvs i

haven’t watched it i didn’t

watch it when he did the tonight show i

haven’t watched

since he left new york

yeah not that i’m

against them it’s just that routine is gone yeah is it

better now is it worse

i don’t think so

i think the reason why i don’t

watch is because the late

night shows what i liked i liked that extra

masturbating bear

the writers were all

funny on that show

they’d come out and do sketch it

doesn’t have

the same writers

i don’t see

those two guys he used to use

these two guys

all the time the preparation h raymond guy

who would come out hand out

for braces still around is he

yeah he kind of looks like ryan o’neal the comedian

and then there was another one with the

curly like simon and garfunkel fro

yeah i think they’re both

still around

those guys were

like almost funnier than conan to me but there was that

whole new york vibe that it’s

it just is missing to me but i don’t know

you think the

vibe is different because it’s in los angeles it

might be but the

thing is i can’t

speak intelligently

about it cause i don’t watch it

i watched conan

from 93 to 2003

mostly cause at

first i was a

teenager and then i

lived in hollywood i didn’t have

cable at the time

it was something to fall asleep to

there’s definitely

a different

funny vibe on the east

coast than there is on the west

coast i find even my sets are different on the east

coast and there on the west

coast i find i have to explain less on the east

coast and i can go off into more obscure

references and not in the way like

super obscure but in the way that

everybody’s following

along and i don’t have to make sure somebody needs to

catch up you know yeah

i think i mean there’s intelligent people

everywhere but there’s more of them in the east

coast sure i mean that’s

where all our

finest institutions are you know it’s no accident

that all our best colleges are on the east

coast our finest institutions

ah yes harvard

so you should have a

cigar in your hand when you say that yeah i did

sound like a real ass

woman ascot as well all of our finest institutions

i’ve been really addicted to camel too lately i think

when the conan left i

started watching camel

and now i’m like

i don’t know once you go camel you

can’t really go yeah this is a fun show he’s got a fun

zoo of a show too yeah i did that show and i was the

second comedian on there and i

oh right i had

heard like nightmare stories when they first

started how hard it was like the

stage was cat

according to

the audience it was new nobody knew who he was

they’re like you’re

gonna go out there and you’re

gonna die kid bobcat goldberg was the director

at the time and i was like oh man oh this is

scary and i went out

and it went really good

and he’s like man you’re the best

comic we’ve had on i’m like how many you

had on he’s like one

i was like ah well

who was the

other comic yeah

and i don’t even remember who the

other comic was but i don’t

think it was anybody

because i wasn’t

anybody so that’s who they were picking out at the time

i think dave rast saw me at the improv

on a wednesday

night doing the open mic i was

twenty three he’s like hey we you wanna you

wanna do the

jimmy kimmel show tonight i’m like i

guess sure what’s that

wow and then shit

and he got me

on so wherever dave wrath is i forever owe him my first

tv break yes

david dave wrath’s good man he’s a very good guy

very good guy he’s one of

those guys that’s been around forever

the comedy business is such a

weird fucking business isn’t it and we were talking

about sleazy

agents and managers and

you know we’re talking

about what it’s like to have one that sucks and

it’s weird you know it’s a

weird thing to

it’s like in

this business it’s like you can have all this

drive but you have to it’s

almost like being in a band you need somebody else to

champion that

drive as well

like i love

music but i

never wanted to be in a band because

i don’t want to have to rely on the lazy bass player

or the coked

head drummer

you know it’s like i want this

thing to happen and

you know when you

got a team working for you like that and they’re not on

board you’re like son of a

bitch yeah that’s a reoccurring theme

with comics you

gotta make sure

you got a manager that knows what the fuck is going on

and if you get a bad one you get some

idiot you get attached to one i have a

bunch of friends

that started out with one manager

and then somewhere

along the line

you know this

manager when some critical decision was to be made this

manager fucked up and they got rid of them and they

moved on and got some bigger manager

and then they got sued and a

bunch of stupid

shit happened you

start off with one guy and that guy turns out to suck

you’re attached to that fucking idiot

right and he feels like he deserves

a percentage of your profits then it becomes like a

marriage and a

sword then you have to

break up with this person exactly

just such a nightmare like i had been

my manager six years and i had to

break up and she was very

receptive and

understanding about it

you know and that made me

think in my mind like oh man this

didn’t go as bad as i thought it would

and then you

start thinking i

should have done it sooner

and all that but it’s just like

you know whatever happens happens but you can’t stay

with somebody who

doesn’t have your best interest

in your heart you know

is that usually

because they have a better client now yeah

they have a

better client

bigger fish

to fry you know i get it in this town that’s the

truth my agent

represents like

jamie foxx and all

these people if

they turn it down

then maybe i’ll get an audition

they want to make sure that you’re a real

money maker before they put any interest

and time into you and you got to go out and

it’s almost like they have you in the

stable and then you got to go out and make

your own shit happen yeah call us and we’ll take the 10

when you booked up

yeah and then they go okay now let’s make you bigger

that’s like getting christmas presents from shoes

i mean the best

thing they can do is just get you in

front of someone

where you can perform yeah

especially if you’re out there trying to do the acting

thing man what a

crazy job that is

gonna go in some fucking room and pretend

that this guy that you’re sitting there with a

piece of paper in his hand

pretend that this is your brother

and you guys are

back at home and

dad just got back from the war and he’s a little shell

shocked really

you gonna do this

right here you

gonna do this in this office

had an acting

teacher like that who always wanted to

he’s one of these

super strange

it was the mizner

technique you know the real like

method kind of

stuff and his

whole goal was to make you cry

and then he

would be like what happened if your

mother got killed in a car accident oh jesus

christ that’s some

awful shit to say dude like i’m not

gonna cry i’m getting pissed at you actually for

thinking that you need fucked up people for actors

if you’re gonna

have actors you want to have really good ones

those people

better be fucked up most of them there’s a few of them

that aren’t fucked up that are really good actors but

mostly few and far between

most of them are a mess

daniel day lewis is a lunatic he’s

gotta be crazy he’s so good

he’s so good he’s

gotta be completely

out of my farm

somewhere in scotland or something man

think about how good that

motherfucker is

remember that

movie where you played a boxer the

motherfucker became a boxer for like a year

trained every day like a boxer

you watch that

movie that is the best portrayal

of a boxer in a

movie where he looks

he looks like a real boxer

not some bullshit

like sylvester

stallone movie

where it looks like he

never threw

a punch at a man in a competition in his life

for you to worry

about being

countered daniel day

lewis is hands up move in

throwing faints he looks

like a real goddamn boxer broken nose and all that

genius is a

genius actor

he just comes out

he comes out in the public like

every four years

grabs an oscar and goes back home

nuts the guy’s

completely out of his mind

but he’s amazing he

is you know

the fucking gangs of new york remember that

jesus christ

what was it bob

build a butcher

build a butcher or something and then and there will be

blood he was

absolutely loony

to get the fuck out of here who can do that oh

who can do that like him

nobody and apparently he stays that way in his

trailer you know

yeah there’s a few guys

there’s a few of

those guys russell

crowe is fat as fuck now i

haven’t seen him in lately oh my goodness here’s a

picture of him

he went on a bike

ride and he stopped and he’s got his bike outfit on his

stupid little helmet

and he’s smoking a cigarette

he is fat as fuck that’s

funny like he’s

just gigantic fat it’s been a couple of years

since he has

had a picture else since

fat when he did

robin hood man he had a cut weight to make

robin hood too

you can’t have

robin hood as a fat guy but he’s one of

those can’t hard

drinking hard smoking actor dudes

yeah he’s a wild man yeah

it’s crazy fucker that’s why he’s so good

i watched a beautiful mind on the way to australia

out of respect because i was

going to australia anyway

and it was on the

plane it was one of

those options

forgot how fucking good that

movie was was that

2000 best picture

2001 i think best picture

i don’t know but it was fucking good yeah

cause gladiator won

2000 and then that one won 2001 he was

cleaning up at that time you know i

watched the

other day that i forgot how fucking good it was

contact oh yeah

i watched that recently on netflix

dude i put it on twitter and all

these people going

hello you contact

sucks contact’s awesome you’re gay

you are gay yeah you’re gay you are you’re gay

the letter u the letter r gay

hello you’re gay contact sucks

no it’s context

great i watched that recently

i love that

you know what you know it’s a horrible

movie but almost

in that same idea it’s

again with dennis

quaid hi guys

and he’s got the cb

radio and he’s talking to the past

oh you know what you’re talking about yeah

jim caviezel

yes son yeah

this is like

one word like what happened to that guy played fucking

jesus christ

and he’s gone and then he’s gone

that doesn’t even make

sense i mean that guy

should have been gigantor

that movie was a huge

movie it was huge but it was one of

those movies i

think where the

movie was huger than who was in it

and here’s another issue

the movie was very anti semitic

very anti semitic i mean

that was argued

whether or not that was historically accurate or

i don’t know

whatever the fuck it is you don’t know you

weren’t there

and the way it’s

depicted it’s depicted to me like the jews were like a

huge problem

which is i don’t know if it’s

me look the

whole thing i

think is fiction

in the first

place i don’t

it just seems to me that the

whole story so

convoluted and

even if there was a man named

jesus who knows what the fuck really went down i just

don’t get why people will buy that and then not buy

other things it’s like

no world’s not

getting warmer no way no no global warming here

but there’s a

story of this guy who came back from the dead it’s like

where are you

where are your

priorities yeah

you know but

jim cavizo playing him was really strange because you

know he got really obsessed with it because he was 33

at the time and

jesus was 33 and

his name was jc yeah

and you know i mean how

funny is it this movie

this incredibly religious

movie that made incredible amounts of money

was made by a

psychopath yeah

an absolute

now that you look at it

in the past and you look at who he is now and you hear

those tapes

he’s you should just shut up

and blow me

just insane

red eyed spider

bit flying out of his fucking

mouth i mean

he’s off the deep end

crazy and he made the most

successful religious

movie of all time

privately funded it himself

and then had to turn that profit too yeah

and built some

incredible amounts of

money because of it

you know you

never saw passion the christ

never saw any

of this i did

actually have a bit

about it that it was a two hour

movie about a dude with

magic who got his ass kicked

and i go that is the last

movie with subtitles i’ll ever see without kung

fu in it yeah

wasn’t that

an aramaic or something like i remember that one yeah

people were coming out of theaters all

moved and crying

yeah i don’t know what the language was it

might have been

aramaic i think that’s what they

spoke at the time

that’s what they

spoke and then

they offered up to subtitles but felon was

subtitles yeah

i’m like you it’s either kung

fu or some swedish

weird film where people are

gonna get killed yeah or some japanese horror

movie yeah ringgu

you know i’ll

watch ringgu

pandora’s labyrinth

people want to believe man they want to believe

and they don’t want you to take it away from them

netflix has just offered up

for instance

stream my favorite tv show of all time

the twilight zone

oh yeah 1959 and 196 they just

added a bunch of shit

and i thought

about you because the very

first episode is an episode called

where is everybody

where the man is

undergoing a sensory deprivation

experiment and losing his fucking mind

doing it is

revealed at the end obviously that it’s a military

experiment but

that’s uh that show

spoiler alert

yeah huge but

it aired in 59 i

gotta pee i’ll be

right back yes i have something on the subject okay

cool yeah it aired in 59 so i figured what the hell

yeah there’s certain shows like that that i love

watching one is that

another thing it’s just like old like

lauren hardy’s

like that i love fucking netflix

yeah netflix

i’m addicted to it netflix has made me this

document documentary

watching asshole like

i’m and i don’t

watch one on like

belly button lint

like did you see that yeah

belly button

have you noticed though like

the other day i just realized that for

cable tv i forget how much i

spend per month for

cable tv but i

would think 95

of the content that i

watch is family guy

like i’ll lay in bed

turn on cartoon network oh family guy

watch it for

three hours go to bed

right but it’s like amazing like how much

i wish that we

could get to a

point of cable tv

where we can

alucard yeah

alucard you know

they say they’ll

never do that though

because it’s like

but cable is offering now like i saw

at my mom’s i had like on demand like you can get hbo

premium like one

thing that aired on hbo

but i don’t turn my tv on hardly ever

yeah i mean hardly ever i watch

everything on my computer and my phone

you know what i mean

and i get the updates who’s got the new documentaries

coming on netflix and all that

stuff and i’ll

watch the most

boring of crap too i don’t care

source code is a pretty fucking good

movie man source code

is the movie

of jake glillenhaal

the new movie

pretty fucking good

movie man it’s

about a guy i don’t

wanna tell you the

whole story

cause i don’t

wanna give it away

but it’s really interesting

and it involves time

travel oh yeah

it’s pretty dope moving

really well

he’s revisiting his time traveling

donnie darko

it was also a time

traveling yeah

yeah no shit yeah true

yeah true yeah that’s a very

well regarded one too yeah it’s a good one yeah

this is very interesting

i don’t know if it’s as good as donnie

darko but i don’t remember because i

haven’t seen donnie darko in a long time

you know movies like they become mythical

like donnie darko

is one of those

movies momento was one of

those movies

memento was badass

badass guy but

there’s some

movies they

seem a lot better because they were a long time ago

and you go back and

watch them you go

yeah that wasn’t that good

or i was just

young and dumb

i remember donnie

darko being

weird it was

weird but it does have

it does hold up have you ever seen primer

that’s the best time

travel movie ever a

great movie yeah

that one is that you got to

watch that one

a few times

really independent

movie very small

budget considered

like one of the best i mean you

know you talk back to the future that’s you know for

layman’s purposes that works great yeah

they they laid the rules for

but primer is one of those

where they really adhere to the rules and the time

the fabric of time and

how you can’t do this and you can

get sick and all that

the things nuances

about actual time

traveling that people have

taken to study

here’s what

would happen to your body if you did that time

travel is the most fascinating subject of all to me i

don’t think of it i mean i

think eventually it’s

going to be breached

it has to be

that’s the end of time

human beings are

gonna figure out everything

we figured out so much so far and we were not

gonna stop and as long as we stay

alive they just

found some they just

found out that the caldera volcano

under yellowstone is way bigger than

previously thought oh really

fucking giant

super volcano that kills everybody

just found it’s even bigger

anyway it’s if something like that

doesn’t happen

people are gonna continue to

innovate they’re

gonna continue to make a faster

phone a faster computer

a car that doesn’t need to be recharged for a

month it’s gonna

be internet through the air

at ridiculous

broadband fiber optic

speeds it’s all

gonna eventually come to a

he’s got to come to that rate kurzweil

singularity that terrence mckenna

time wave zero

point of infinite

novelty it’s

gonna happen man it has to

it’s a thing

where it’s like

you see more and more articles that talk about how

in theory i think it’s

i mean what

einstein proved in theory it’s

absolutely possible

but now they’re really

there’s funding private funding but funding

going towards

actually taking this seriously if we’re gonna take

christ and all that seriously let’s

take this seriously dude it’s just like the nuclear

power issue they

were there the nuclear

power issue

is something

where they they came up with something

and they figured

out how to do it and then they just went

ahead and do it

without having it

completely worked out all

right they went

ahead and did it without

having some

you know agreed upon you know

ability to shut it off

right without having some agreed upon

ability to to

store all the

waste before we

start producing it

they just started doing it they just

started doing it

and they’re

gonna do that with

everything man but they did that with the

space program all that they did

that they do that with everything

they do that they’re doing with the

large hadron collider

and they’re out there you know

smashing atoms making the higgs boston particle

and creating little miniature

black holes they really are not exactly sure what’s

gonna happen

they’re taking some chances and sometimes

things go wrong

and things are

going wrong in

japan right now

and they’re

gonna continue to go

wrong and as well as go right

no matter what

things are gonna keep moving

they moved past the nuclear bombs of the 1940s

to what we’re capable of

today and that’s

gonna be nothing compared to antimatter

weapons that they’re coming up with

right now they’re coming up with some shit

right now ray guns

actual ray guns that work

have you seen the

laser that they shot down

they did a demonstration recently where

a boat was a mile away and they shot it with this

laser and caused

the engines to

catch on fire from a mile away

you know so they’ve got some

crazy shit they’re working on

right now that’s pretty dope

that’s nothing compared to i’m sure a

bunch of their shit

the drones the

drones are the scariest thing man

these fucking

their ability to operate

these little tiny machines that look like bugs yeah

they can get them little tiny ones and fly

them around and fucking make

videos of people and shit dude

have you seen there’s even a

thing for the

iphone now that little helicopter you can fly

they’ve had

their first

friendly fire

incident with

drones as well

there was a

thing today

i retweeted it’s on my twitter if you’re interested

there’s some

drones killed

some fucking people really killed some us soldiers yeah

oh yeah it was off the dredge report

they’re flying

drones in japan to

right now aren’t they to get a look inside the reactor

i would assume they

would do something like that i mean crack

pretty accurate now

it’s really

scary shit man it is

scary you know what

you retweeted that was even better than that though was

kitty kissing a dolphin

oh that was the cutest

thing ever i

could watch that shit all day there was

a cat and a dolphin being all snugly with each other

it was the cutest

thing ever man i wonder

if that’s like one of the

first times

a dolphin has played with a cat that cat was a bad

motherfucker he didn’t care

he’s like hanging out over the

water and he’s not even

tripping yeah you know cats can’t fucking swim they

would freak out if they fell in that that’s instant

death meanwhile he’s like

you know dancing

along the edge

doesn’t care

you can swat

at the dolphin i

haven’t seen that yeah it’s

fucking awesome very cute

especially for a guy like brian

who loves them i

wanna fuck that dolphin

he loves his little kitties

oh you do have kitties you have one of the

smush faces i have too many

kitties i have two cats and a dog and i’m so sick of it

oh i retweeted this the

asu adult film star did not get

she did not go to

she did not get kicked out

she didn’t get suspended no i mean i was

gonna say that’s a pretty

lenient campus

she did not get her scholarship revoked right

it’s not like that’s not you know yeah

party school central there

yeah apparently it was

the whole thing is

scripted she says

i knew going in there it was for sex

she said she was paid 2 000 and

assured the

video would only appear

on the part of the website

people had to pay to see

that didn’t happen the

video found its way onto free porn sites like of course

well she has no case or any

of course of course you’re

welcome to the internet

hey let me teach you

about yeah the internet

says perpetual adequates

there forever

so i guess they just

can let you

the school says go

ahead do some porn

you still have your

scholarship

i mean half the people in

school are we’re asu

it’s amazing

how porn is acceptable as long as it’s an accident

you know like kim

kardashian if kim

kardashian got hired

by vivid and got gang fucked by 50 football players

you know when a shot loads in her mouth

then she’d be done nobody won’t have anything to

do with her

the fact that it was like

her man and she

was fucking him and

meanwhile why is there so many cameras what’s

going on here

these cameras are from

weird angles i

guess people in the room with you okay what the fuck is

going on man there’s cuts there’s

one shots two shots

what kind of a

video is this you know what is it

you know what the fuck was that like but that

somehow or another is acceptable

it’s the most

ridiculous hoax not

just acceptable

it’s fortuitous for them it’s a career

builder i mean she’s who she is because of that

taste she’s

gigantic dude she’s gigantic

yeah she’s bigger than all of us

every every

businessman

everyone gets

into clocks g’s that

bitch is on billboards in australia yeah

she was on cosmos cover of

turkey version yesterday

there’s a big uproar because

turkey put her on the cover of

the turkish version of cosmo and you know

turks and armenians

little bad blood there

oh really and

she’s an armenian and she’s an armenian and

she’s gracing the

cover of a turkish publication

not by her choice cosmo went and did it without her

but it was funny a

bunch of armenians got pissed

cause kobe bryant did

a spot for turkish airlines

it’s like he’s gotten a

horse in that race you know what i mean that i

understand he

should do that but her it’s like that’s a little

weird that’s a little weird

it’s a little weird like

morty salman

wearing a swastika

it’s almost

the way society set up

right now with like

these teen mom shows and the real

housewives of beverly hills

kim kardashian it’s almost like

the scene in the running man

when they have

those ridiculous shows you know

yeah you know that

movie is so accurate you’re so

right it’s almost like it’s getting to this

weird sort of surreal point

where it’s like

wow this is what everyone’s fixated on a fascinated by

16 year olds that get

knocked up have a tv show now

and you see them

scream at their boyfriend get up you fucking lazy fat

piece of shit beat

the hell out of him beeping and

everything’s beeping and the guy

gets in the car and he’s taking the baby and the girl

screaming in his face

big dude getting

what the fuck are we

watching and you wonder why people have lost

their psychic abilities and all that shit i used to

think that when i was doing fear factor

when i was doing fear factor i was like we are

three seasons away from the running man yeah we’re like

right here we’re right here

and they’ll come they’ll line up

we were doing fear factor

and you know

everybody’s like well you know that shows like that

man are designed by the government to keep you soft and

no no they’re not

they’re made by people

cause that’s what people

wanna see but

even the people making them it’s not like they’re the

grand programmers of

the universe and they’ve done this on purpose to try to

lower people’s standards

no this is what you

wanna see man

you really do

wanna see some dumb shit it’s a

reflection of society that’s what they want

it’s a fascinating

thing to be

a part of too because when we were doing fear factor

while we were doing it we were all

going are they really letting us do this

like it was

we know would say okay

we said we’re gonna

blend rats what did they say

they said good we got a

green light you got a

green light on

blending rats

what about drink your own piss

no we just got a red

light can’t

drink your own piss with

every now and then we get red

lights you know

okay how about

eat a buffalo dick

i remember that

green light

green light

eat buffalo dicks

we can eat buffalo dicks holy shit

and we tell

them it’s buffalo dicks yes you’re allowed to tell him

how about balls

yes you can eat balls remember we have boiled balls

giant bull testicles with the skin on them all the

veins around it

you like did

you ever get sick

watching them do that

stuff oh bunch of times

i never threw up on the set i only

threw up at home once

funny enough i

would watch

that show with my nose plug

thinking like just reflectively

i would literally

watch like this

cause i’d feel like i’d

catch a whiff of something

you know it wasn’t the most fun

thing to do

you know because it was really fun sometimes but

other times it was fucking

tedious as hell

but looking back on it like wow i was a part of some

weird part of fucking

television history

one of the most unique

shows ever there’s nothing before or

after that’s like it

sorry it was

so strange to be a part of it i was at the 99 cent

store the other day and they’re

still selling like fear factor

candy like yeah

that’s got a show around the

world still

right yeah yeah i get

emails from people sometimes

in other countries

where just started showing just discovered fear factor

yeah for real

thank you the just

started there you know the country just got it i know

there’s countries who are just now getting like

i guess apparently

my sister’s

boyfriend is from germany he was saying like you know

they showed knight rider

you know like now

there like because

david hasselhoff

david hasselhoff and they

pride him but they’ll

countries will get

stuff that we are done with like that that

wrapped in the 90s that

wrapped in the 80s

but they’ll

think it’s new

and they’ll

dress accordingly

is it weird when a

comic goes to

another country and becomes big in that country

oh yeah that’s

weird that is

right when they did they’re not big in america

but they go somewhere when they become big yeah

that’s real strange

right that’s real

weird especially if it’s

if your native country you can’t seem to find

i mean it’s different with

musicians hendrix did it

you know right a few

other guys yeah

but they came to america and

america’s always been

at the top of the ice

cream pile that’s

where the cherry is that’s the whole

yeah i mean it’s still

it’s the grand

you know the big

stage supposedly

right but for like a lot of

comics like

going to other

countries you become more

successful yeah you

know like arg barker is gigantic in australia too is he

oh my god dude

he’s like richard pryor in australia

no bullshit man

he’s fucking huge how did that happen as

a cartoon or

well i guess he went over there

and kicked ass went on a

bunch of tours did a

bunch of tours over there and they just love him

he lives there now

apparently he

got a house there and he’s like fuck it

he comes on tour in america but

most of the time he

spends in australia

sells out like you know fucking 20 30

nights in a row at

places i was wondering what happened to him because

it’s like around the time like him demetri martin

started getting a lot of attention

that seems like one kind of went the other way

he went to australia and just

started kicking ass good for him

he’s like the biggest comic

in australia i

think pablo

giant is pretty well

worldwide doesn’t

he he does huge in like finland yeah

he’s got some pockets of

out there he’s so

silly too you don’t really have to be

adept at the language to

understand pablo well that’s the

thing is the language

barrier would i think

certainly have to keep me in english

speaking only nations obviously

and even the most

you know americanized ones because it’s like

well a lot of europe

speaks english as well yeah if they come to your show

you know i’ve

done shows in ireland i’ve done shows you know

i’ve done shows in

a bunch of i

never did germany

but i’ve done them all throughout the uk

and you get people that

speak a gang of different languages and english

right french english they

speak it all

it just seems to me like i

watched a documentary what

eddie is heard

learned french to do a set in france

whoa that was

pretty cool and connected with them not as much as he

would want to

but he learned french now growing up a brit

he probably knew his fair

share as it was dude

eddie isard’s a bad

motherfucker

i used to think he’s a

silly man with a dress on

like when i

first saw him like

cross dressing

what is it what kind of

weird gimmick is that

then i saw him do this one show

where he went on a marathon

every day for like 30 fucking days or something

crazy like that

might have been even more than 30 days

something nuts man

this guy ran all the way around the uk

oh wow dude it was

ridiculous they

filmed him they followed him around with cameras

i mean he got hurt man his feet were fucked up

he kept running his legs

would not up he

could barely move he

could barely

shuffle for it what was

he kept going for

i forget some sort

of charity thing yeah i

watched a documentary on him

and they talked

about the address of

cross dressing

issue but by

the time you get done with the film he’s so fascinating

it’s just a little side

thing to the

point where you don’t even

think of it anymore you know what i mean he’s a bad

motherfucker it is a

crosstresting

dude it’s a

crosstressing

thing where it’s like guy who

smokes cigarettes it’s like i kind of need to do it

that’s what he’s

literally like i have to do it

he’s not like i’m not into dudes nothing

like that i just really need to do this once a day

and i was just like wow

and that’s what he

would do when he

would go on

stage like he was really like that

was he was into

cross dressing

right he’s just into

cross dressing there’s no so it

wasn’t a gimmick it’s not a gimmick there was no sexual

thing it was just some

is no sexual

thing i mean it’s probably so he says

he always says

right people know you like but he

did he was so interesting he made you forget that he

dressed like that yeah

yeah he’s a bad

motherfucker

anybody can run a marathon

every day as many days as he did it was it was a

ridiculous documentary

i don’t know why it didn’t air in america

because nbc or someone

should have picked it up

because it was really compelling it is interesting they

should have aired it simultaneously

it was really

compelling i mean if they had room for it anywhere it

would have done

very well because it was really gripping

i started it not

thinking that i was

going to get into it at all so

here’s a fuck about some

idiot running everywhere

you know i’m like this is stupid

you know run everywhere

but then i realized

how much he’s

pushing through this and doing it in like

great spirits and

laughing and this guy’s got a

solid personality

there’s documentaries you’ll

watch like that i

watched one recently called

still bill have you

heard of this one no it’s a

story of bill withers

he’s a soul

singer kind of r amp b guy from somebody who

sang and wrote lean on me

ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

damn but this guy didn’t pick up a guitar or sing or

learn to do any of it till he was

32 years old holy

shit and you wanna talk

about natural ability

this guy picks it up when he’s 32

it writes lean on me

blows up leaves the

music business like ten years

after being in it sometime around the late

seventies just had enough

and just collects his

royalties and mind you makes a

ton of money he’s the nicest

most decent person you ever saw he’s from

slab fork west virginia

has this real country

way of living but lives up in the hollywood hills but

you talk to this guy he’s the most lovable guy in the

world like of course he

doesn’t have to do anything he

doesn’t have anything

smoked but you know the

whole thing is

people have been begging him to come do

tracks come back into the

music industry

for years and at the end i won’t

tell you what happened somebody begs him to come back

and it just shows this guy who is it chris brown

no it’s nothing like that

thank god i would

have never had said that i hate that guy

i feel bad for him

who’s that chris brown

yeah i feel bad for him being him

yeah he hates being him you can tell

it’s a hard

person to be man he’s a mess you can tell that guy has

no you can see it in his eyes so

he came back and

wrote a song and it was horrible can’t tell you

can’t tell you that you

gotta watch it

still bill but it is still bill

still bill one of the best documentaries i’ve seen in

per bobby lee’s recommendation

funny enough

wow and not

funny enough

because sometimes he recommends really good

stuff but other times he recommends horrible what’s the

worst thing he’s ever recommended

the what you call it movie with

river phoenix’s brother

oh yeah i heard that was terrible that was

awful he thought it was brilliant

really it’s fucking brilliant you said

fucking brilliant

fucking bobby lee it’s brilliant it wasn’t brilliant

a lot of his stuff he

forgot you impressions

bobby bobby’s into good pretty good

movies can you do bobby lee can you do

i could do fucking bobby lee

that’s what it is

i’m gonna fucking bomb joe rogan i’m the fucking bomb

they walk in pretty close yeah close that’s a click

as much as can you jesse ventura

jesse the body ventura

that’s now it’s jesse the mind ventura

that’s right come on

joe rogan’s podcast to talk the truth

yeah i think i got pretty goddamn good

i’ve never done that before

911 was an inside job

if you think the latter

you’re the one who’s misinformed brother

you don’t think that rumsfeld knew what he was doing

when he told those troops to stand down oh yeah

mitch almost sounds a little sam elliot

in there too a little bit right dodge ram

if you don’t get any roadhouse

quotes in you

show that man to the door

and if he doesn’t go quietly

what does it use his

fucking head

and buy yourself a dodge ram

pickup with all the torque and you

definitely know how

to stretch his words out the way stretches his words

rocky get on the bike rocky

rocky dennis what was that

thing you did

about iced tea and cocoa

what did you do recently

oh what it was

something the same

tripley show yeah the same

tripley show

baby bowl baby bowl

yeah we did a

iced tea commercial

with a cocoa

a great cocoa

look like maya

maya was that

her name maya did

she look just like coco

for a while she was

built like her she was an anomaly

like this huge ass huge

boobs and this tiny

waist now granted it was all

sculpted that way but it was

still this anomaly

whoa it was

ridiculous it was

ridiculous she

sculpted that way

meaning like operations yeah operations up top i’ve

heard people seen that coco in real life said she’s

absolutely beautiful she is

but yeah we did the iced tea

thing we did the

baby bull man that went over pretty well and he saw it

red band tweeted it

and iced tea

tweeted back

what did iced

tea say what did he say i said

i made a video

what do you think

about this and he i

say it’s interesting

yeah i say it’s

interesting

that’s pretty goddamn good

iced tea that’s like that

iced tea man

that’s dead

that’s a 100

and i’m fighting off

a cold from the past

three days sometimes when i have a cold my

impressions get a little better like i’ve

never done that ventura one before i didn’t know

that i probably

know if you

could do it if you do a good bro call

i left him a good bro call

a tom broker

i mean she’s

nightly news

oh that’s pretty fucking good

all right singers

bombs are probably into all of us

there’s nothing americans can do about it

did you know tom

broke has a pothead 24 hour day pothead

is he really a

rightful pothead that must

be so apparently

i take bong

rips on the

daily i’m broke

i only smoke

indica the sativa

makes me not want to do my job

that’s hilarious that’s so good die nuts

he really does

smoke pot where’d you hear this

you know i read

it somewhere and i just ran with it i didn’t research

it okay let’s research

it you don’t

go to just say yeah say tom

how do you spell

broke off b r o

okay ww that’s boy

roger ocean

saw a family guy last night

where there

was a gang of bro calls there’s like 12 of them no

never did it not interested

never did it was like

experimented with a little marijuana

never like a lot of

other people

you just made up some

shit god damn it

somebody made it up and i wanted to believe it okay i

want to believe

it too i wish i didn’t google it

all right who else

who’s confirming is there some

clearing house

of whether a celebrity is a pothead or not

hey it broke off you’re listening i

think didn’t post give

us a i’ve been working on a john lithgow as well

my girlfriend

doesn’t like it but i do

actually she does like it

hello dex can you do

women can you do

nancy grace she’s my favorite

nancy grace

this is a real problem yeah

dead babies in florida

we are live right now homie

yeah it was a good march was that

the other one of you do that’s amazing is

morgan freeman

morgan free

yeah that’s ridiculous andy do frame

annie dufresne gave me hand jobs

those last few nights talk about your

penis morgan my penis hangs down to my kneecaps

and i’m wearing knickerbocker

shorts you can tell knickerbocker

sure sure why not i do lean on me

quotes what you got in that locker son

my future all right now

and then i take

quotes from from lean on

me and i change them around like and lean on me there’s

this kid he keeps hassling because his kids like yo mr

clock man i’m

gonna move away man i’m

gonna go make

money he’s like you’ll be dead in a year son

he’s like no no man i’m

gonna go work for my

uncle be dead in the year

so me and a

buddy would take it and be like

yo mr clark i got accepted to harvard man

you’ll be dead in a yes son

no i’m going

to harvard in cambridge you’ll be dead in a yes son

well fuck you then clark

joe did a ice cube thing the

other day we were in the

green room baked as hell and

we saw this commercial for a sitcom for ice cubes and

sitcom are we there yet

yeah that’s what

damn why you kids make all this noise

i pick up little chris and put him on the porch yeah

our ice cube’s terrible it’s hard

that’s terrible you know i saw him in concert recently

damn kids you

saw me in concert yeah what’s he doing

caperola bought me the

ticket we went

to go see him and he didn’t do anything off

death certificate

the album i grew up loving that

album changed

my life i was probably not allowed to

what did he do

fresh out of school

cause i was a high

school grant

so there’s a little

ice cube i got it there what did he do stuff from

post 98 i hadn’t listened to anything ice cube

since 95 so i wonder if he

knew shit that

i guess he still makes new shit

and then he brought his son out like i

wanna hear his son i heard he

sounds pretty

good though

his son he has

two sons one looks just like him from 1987

really the thing is it’s like that’s the

thing with second

generation hip hop

dude you better come seriously correct

cause hip hop’s born in poverty

and thrives in struggle

and second generation hip hop

i don’t mind a rich rapper who became rich on his own

but the second

generation thing you know

it’s hard harvard west

lake till i die homie

you know it doesn’t

yeah i’m sure he

still had to

grow up having ice cube as a father with ice cube

got it fucked all

right ice cube i’ll tell you this

at the age of 17

moved to arizona went to a

trade school and

studied architecture before

founding nwa

are you can

check on that

o’shea jackson

his name is

wow so how what

is this kid this kid goes up and rap comes up and raps

about hard times joe rogan

i heard is he rap

hard times joe rogan i

heard he’s good though i

heard he was good he was good he’s got that booming

voice like ice cube has what does he say

about the hard

times i don’t even remember i just wanted to

leave so bad by the time it was over it was at the

house of blues you know the last

time i was at

the house of blues i saw you there

and you ran into me

cause we went to

chewy show yeah why we did that i don’t know that was

great but it was

2001 maybe something like that and we got a

chewy show up

good dude chewy

is good hey i’m

going to the

house of blues bro

you gotta come

dude he’s a

crazy guy and as a

bouncer he wasn’t your favorite guy

but as a band

member that was pretty dope but

he was good man it was weird

chewie was the doorman at the comedy

store like fucking forever

but he was a nice i mean

he had to like you

a nice job he liked me luckily

thank god he

didn’t like

you became a real problem but he always liked me

and he i even

introduced him one time i

introduced him one time at the

house of booze

oh yeah yeah yeah

they’re fucking good man yeah he’s real good

chewie castro and what was the band called

chewie and the

i don’t know i remember the song hey chewie

yeah hey chewie

hey rick james

is gonna play with me bro

yeah remember that rick

james used to come jam with him rick

james used to go on

stage with chili

really and this is back before rick

james was like

immortalized by dave chappelle oh yeah

this was 2000 2001 yeah rick

james was like you

know people

like didn’t care that much that he was there

after the dave chappelle sketches if he went on

stage they would have gone crazy

right but this was i mean obviously he was dead

know but this was

2001 or so he

would go on yeah

dude chewie’s band it was real weird

to know someone from work

and then you

know they say hey we come see my band like okay

here we go here we go but you know i mean

you didn’t really expect

much castro and like the notes the notes

get what the fuck they were

yeah somebody can find that

chewy castro he’s also the bad guy in

james bond right

chewy castro

he dressed up

like that guy that one guy that waited all the time

i always took

my hat off and

cut your head off

of his hat he’s

dressed like that or like somebody from a

clockwork orange or somebody who works at a

mommy burger

i love that cut your head off of his hat remember we

would like hit

sculptures and shit and

knock arms off and stuff

this fucking stupid hat

i bet chewy

could do that well chewy

also had a side job there i forget what it was

great labrad oh shit

how many interesting

people have you met out of the goddamn comedy store

that is like

a whirlpool that sucks all the weirdos

right to it it’s the overlook

hotel from the shining

man it’s just it is it’s a vortex for the weirdos and

have you ever met mickey

mickey yeah

it’s a guy who’s

literally so

funny to watch

cause he’s so crazy

but he’s the most like

it’s funny to

watch somebody interact with them like a customer

con he’s not he’s just some dude who hangs out there

but they’re like the bathrooms here he’s like yeah

like the most difficult person you

could ever run into

if you just want

basic information is this a new guy no

he’s been there

since they got the tinted

glasses tinted

glasses mustache

since the 70s

since the 70s been hanging out

there apparently he’s a

trust fund guy he’s a mystery ding dong guy isn’t he i

think he was a ding dong

guy for a little

while but i

tried to avoid that

don barras freaked me out with all

those people he’d been rough

there were some amazing

characters in that

stuff though that

mickey’s one of them

is there no

greater master of nuts than don

barras the best don is

ring leader we just had on def

squad man he was talking

about the old days when the comedy

store was in our

basement of a restaurant and

oh that was the westwood version

westwood yeah that was the

where kennison

used to rock out of yeah i was talking

about kennison how there was a

bullet hole i didn’t know this in the

belly room yeah

and the sign of the

building yeah

yeah he pulled out a thing was

about him and dice being mad at each

other wow kennison

pulled out a gun and shot a fucking sign wow

that’s craziness

yeah it’s pretty interesting podcast

yeah that’s

you know who else is a

great ruler of the crazies

is rick in room

he always has they always worship him it’s so funny

like how he’s got that

power up the crazier they are the more they confide

in him which is so

funny because he’s the most cynical

motherfucker on earth

you know i mean he just makes fun of him

right to their face they’re like i love you rick

you’re always good to me

it’s like now you know

weird people

in hollywood trying to be seen trying to be

heard trying to be

found find me

yeah what a

weird creepy

place to live

do you ever

think you’re ever moving out of here are you

gonna stay here forever

if i did i’d

move to new york

basically i

could live in new york i can live in la

but i want like to have

somewhere on montana

and i want to go fly fishing and just be left the hell

that’s what i’m talking

about dogs let’s go

we keep saying this man let’s go

this is a good

time to fish

it’s a spring

let’s go fishing

we should have

done we were in portland

we should have stayed an

extra day and went

salmon fishing kind of

going catalina island is there fishing there

yeah it’s ocean though

dude have you ever

watched the

urban fisherman

this guy will show you

where to fish in your city dude i’m a huge

fisherman oh i saw that show

what is that

urban fisherman this guy he’s almost hunting shows it’s

fishing no it’s actually like on

travel i think

and it’s that guy’s

i canelee ross or somebody

i canelli or something his last name isn’t

he does urban fishing he’ll

catch fish in the hudson

river he’ll

catch fish does he

eat them no he

doesn’t eat him he’s a

sport fisherman so he tosses them all back

but he’ll show you if you live in a big city you can

still find great fishing

times a month you know it’d be cool

really yeah that’s

where you go

i go to arizona a lot

i go fly fishing i go bass fishing me and my

buddy scotty g we do the bass fishing at dobson

ranch park dude just

throw them all day

i caught a catfish at

night waiting for my

breaks to be done

i was like i’m

gonna go next door

catch a catfish come back dude i got an emergency pole

where was this this was in arizona

in arizona but not out here you don’t i

catch i gotta do it out here too

where do you go fishing to the

santa monica

pier and fish without a license

you can fish really fish

anywhere yeah in the

ocean you can fish without a

license without a

license on the

santa monica

pier you can fish yeah really

yeah how come

i think it’s kind of no man’s land they

can’t really govern it you don’t really need i don’t

think you need

a license to

ocean fish at all

yeah i think you don’t i

think it’s fresh

water that you need

it’s fresh water and

it’s all that urban

stuff you have to get that

local urban

license and then you have to get the lake

license but

i fish any chance i get it’s so much like comedy it’s a

patience game it’s fun when you get good at it you get

i’m not good

at it i just do it a lot but i’m getting better

i used to fish

all the time when i was living in jamaica

plain i used to go to jamaica pond and catch

big ass fucking rainbow trout oh yeah

yeah we catch a lot of fish there man

and there was a lake

massachusetts is

great because there was a lot of different

places to fish when i was a kid

but there was a lake near my

house in newton i caught a

three pound bass in this little tiny ass pond

it’s a big ass fucking bounce just

dominating shit in this pond i think

streaming and fishing

would sound so good together

just hanging

out i’d get

freaked out by my own bait

i use lures

i have a top water hook

i’d be afraid of it you know what i mean

and i’ve gotten

into lures now like as a kid i was always live bait

but now i’m into lures the

sport the art of fishing and i got

into fly fishing recently that’s some cool shit dude

i used to love i am no

good at it man

catching so awesome

i used to love

catching bass on

floating rapalas

oh yeah cast them out then just

twitch it a

little bit like a little fish that’s fucked up

bass are like torpedoes

held that fucking

thing like they couldn’t they

could not hit it dude you want to

catch bass too

spoons that’s the best way

spoons the silver

things have

clicked dying minnows

against the

stream that was the coolest

thing about fishing when i was a kid you

never knew what the fuck they wanted that day yeah

one day it was plastic worms the next day it was

spinner baits

it was all different

things to catch them with

or they were

smarter and

wiser to somebody and you’d be fishing with somebody

like what did he use and he caught something

and you’d lose all

confidence in what you had on

god damn it i need to get one of those

we go to this place

my buddy one of the

places i go my mom lives next door to a lake

just one of

these community lakes

i go fish there pull catfish out of there i go to my

buddy scotty william lives on tops and

ranch it’s like four feet deep this water

we take his dad’s pontoon

smoke bowls and fucking fish

the whole time like just smoking bowls and

fishing sounds fun and in the sun too

it’s the best time man i like fishing

has given me in my 30s this whole new

it exercises

the patience like i’ve got a lot more patience now

there’s something

visceral about hooking a big fish too man you

know it’s like

something it just goes

it charges up

some caveman instinct and

nature you you

you won that day

you know you won that day and i i’ve been

places where it’s like you know there’s big

whale swimming but they’re not biting nothing

but then there’s

other nights

where it’s like you know you

i was at my mom’s

house when i said i’m

going to catch a fucking fish right now

and i’m taking

hot dog with me that’s how pathetic this is

but i know the catfish they’re fucking lake

roaches they’ll eat anything yeah

i chum the water with a little corn

sure enough two seconds

later i had a bite on that hot dog i used to use

chicken liver

i used to buy chicken

liver at a store near

my grandfather’s used to take me in newark new jersey

which would take me to some fucking lake

and we’d go fishing like late at

night it was so

shifty back then too it

was like so dangerous i’m here with my old grandfather

and it’s late at

night cause that’s when he

would catch the catfish yeah

so he took me to some creepy ass neighborhood late at

night to catch fish

you know casting out

liver into this lake i pulled a 10

pound channel catfish oh wow

all brown and

like a mud catfish

crazy man i do that i go fishing anywhere i

think you might be able to go to echo park

i don’t know

if anybody’s pulling anything out of there i

never eat that little pond over here in calabasas

down you know it’s

like in the middle yeah yeah i know what you’re talking

about it’s a luca lake

i think there’s nothing in there

there’s another

place there’s

a lake lake

shit i forgot

the name of it lake

arrowhead no

that’s the place lake

arrowhead is a big bear right

yeah that’s

that’s what that’s one of the big ones like

are you talking

those places like imagine living like

right there like

right on the lake

a big bear or lake

arrowhead down

he’s so dumb

it’s not just the fishing like i don’t go and get

upset if i don’t

catch like it’s being out there the

smell it’s the

still i want to go

canoeing have you guys ever used to go canoeing

knowing seems

ridiculous what

so fun going into

the lake yes

i’m not into some

white water no

i’m not about

white water i

go fishing out of a canoe

i do that i usually just wade

i like where they drop you

off in the car and you go for like i don’t know like

three hours and then there’s a pickup

point near the end it’s

just a huge

journey of where you go

ohio it’s all over

there’s like

kevin bacon and

whitewater summer yeah

but it used to be so fun it wasn’t

whitewater raffing but there was parts

where it was like oh here’s some

rapids the whole

thing about

buying a shitload of beer and

drinking so we should go

on a boat in a lake is the shit

i got chillin

relaxing floating on that boat

defying nature by being out there in the

first place this is

awesome i do

ocean fishing

once a year with my dad and we’ll go off in sonata

and we’ll do a day trip and that’s fun

cause that’s hardcore

sport fishing you’re pulling out marlin tuna

you name it mackerel 50

pounds like you’re worn out by the end of the day

but lately i’ve gone back to the

freshwater fishing of just

chilling out there

making some dogs i get really

nasty when people come to try to talk

they bite back off i’m out here

alone whoa you

know yes i am

seriously beat it bro i didn’t come yeah it is

annoying when someone won’t stop talking i don’t mind

the common fishing

questions hey how the bite and what are you using

then beat it but not like

don’t drop a

chair bro i left

the city to get away from

you some people just sit in and talk to you yeah my

girlfriend she’s all mad at me i

don’t give a fuck bro

i hope you have face aids let me fish

ocean fishing is pretty dope

but there’s something about

still water

like especially

a top water lure or a fly

they cast a fly on

still water and just give it a little

twitch and that trout comes up and

blasts it and you’re like oh shit yeah

i love that shit we

should go man let’s go fishing let’s do it let’s do it

i’ve been wanting to go hunting

for a long time and i’d set it on my message board

all these fucking

hi vegan fucking weirdo hippie dudes

wigged out you

know what you

would if you had to eat

if i had to eat yeah

i don’t know

if you were living on a

ranch and there’s

don’t be a dick hunter huh yeah

dress it and use

every part of birds

did the bird shit

hunting ducks and

shit fuck that but i used to hunt as a kid i used to

shoot things i just got sick of it i saw

a rabbit out in your front yard

my mind was like

where’s my red

rider baby i really

blast him but i was like did you eat them

yeah you see him yeah

how good is rabbit

pretty gamey pretty lean you know

if you figure

it’s like venison when you eat that kind of

stuff any kind of fast moving animal

is always gonna be very

tough you know

if you have to make a stew or something like that

we marinate

it for about

three or four days and then

ended up yeah making like a stew

three or four days yeah

really like

sitting there

in the crockpot

field dress that throw it

right in there in the fridge and let it sit in that

it was jackrabbit this

same subject came up yesterday when i was on the adam

carolla show we’re talking about

cooking your own food and

hunting and gathering your own food and how some people

are so opposed to it

even though they eat meat

so we’re so

weird as human beings we’re in this

weird stage of

getting past

being an animal

and all the shit that’s connected to be an animal like

killing food

and causing suffering in order so

that you survive

we’re so separated

ourselves from all that shit it’s like

we’ve become some

weird thing

outside of nature

that connects to nature we have

agents that do the nature

thing for us

that’s true

it’s very strange

you see all

these now these

documentaries on exposing how your meat is made i’ve

watched everyone

and it’s just like wow

okay but i still

gonna eat meat

cause i get

it but i won’t eat that kind of meat like now i get

the whole purpose of

going to a ranch

and buying fresh

farm shit i

ate taco bell the

other day and i knew

that study that it’s not even meat but i

still ate it

what is it fillers

they said it’s filled with

cardboard or something you know the

thing is it’s

like i don’t eat the fast food but it’s like

i would be a hunter if i lived out

in montana and i

would field

dress it and use

every part the right way

like a real hunter does i have nothing

against that

right you know what i mean i’m not doing

drive bys on fucking deer and just leaving them out

there well the

thing you use it

right i’m all for it

you really do have to kill them and people need to wrap

their heads around that because

otherwise you’re

gonna have a massive amount of predators and

starvation hunting keeps the

population go to west virginia go to

these places

where they’re like fuck deer

yeah fuck deer

you know you

wait for hunting

season to come

yeah well in

colorado man

you have to be careful

everywhere you drive

especially when in boulder

is in boulder

no one shoots them and they’re in the mountains

so you know you’re in a town

so no one’s

shooting these deer so they’re fucking

everywhere and

everywhere you go you gotta

make sure some asshole deer

doesn’t jump out in

front of the road and slam into your

car you ever been to alaska had that happen with the

moose there no

that’s gonna

be crazy god

i saw moose

everywhere and it’s like sure enough one was

standing in the road when we

were leaving to go to the airport they dangerous well

they won’t attack you but

they’re so tall that

their knees are at europe

basically top of your car

so when you hit them

you’re gonna bring this

2 000 pounds is

gonna come rushing

right in your windshield

they’re perfectly set up to come in and kill you

and that’s what happens is they come in and just

you hit them

and they fall into the cab of your car you just get

crushed they’re

enormous man

it’s like before the elephant falling on you yeah

yeah they’re massive animals i mean

they’re territorial they’ll come

after you if they have to but they’re like deer

a deer will fuck you up if it has to

but nine times out of ten it’ll just bail

yeah do they have like special bumpers that they put on

trucks and shit out there to make sure that they

attract those elk

same idea is like a deer

guard but raised up yeah like

the like the t

guards on the back of a semi i

think same idea but on the top of your

thing do they have deer

guards they do a lot of deer

guards really

a lot of people dude alaska have you been there no

that was a fascinating

place man it was

a very fascinating

comedy there sometimes i

would love to

but doug stanhope decided that the people were too

stupid there oh really yeah that’s all you need to know

if doug will do any goddamn crowd

doug will pull up into a bar there’s not a

chair to be

found in a half a mile radius

everyone’s standing piss drunk and

doug will be up there

no one wants to fuck your kid on myspace

literally going

through his act and he’s got no problem and he stopped

going to alaska

don’t know what the

exact details were but i used to go there and

party all the time i

want to say enough

on per luca palanca

and wheels parisi

we’re doing that gig

oh my goodness

this was probably six

seven years ago but it was a

great gig paid good and i’m sure

there’s a lot of cool people in alaska don’t get me

wrong i met cool people from alaska it

was strange bro

the number of

knuckleheads it was strange it was a very strange

place it was cool like a lot of cool

stuff to do they’re all like

excited to tell you that they all know how to fly

planes they’re all you know they eat

moose jerky they do all this crazy shit

but then they do really

crazy shit like

sniff oxycontin

and look at you like you’re the weirdo when you don’t

you know really yeah like that kind of shit like

a lot of pill heads up there a lot of pill heads it’s

northern exposure

what’s that it’s probably nothing to do there yeah hunt

and fuck and

it wasn’t like

the mother in law of

bristol palin’s baby daddy

wasn’t she in

busted for selling meth

probably yeah i’m

pretty sure

yeah yeah i’m pretty sure

you know what

silla was silla

you know that

crazy bitch i

play knows with

her husband

sarah palin’s husband

who was friends with the guy

who owned the

radio station we did an anchorage

bob bob was friends with him

you played pool with them

played pool with him but i didn’t know it till years

later this was six

seven years ago did he seem like he was gay

it didn’t seem

like anything because he didn’t matter to me he

still had the same kind of like goatee

and hair you know that looked very suspicious

you know like

the look that he rocks

whatever you

think his look was like bison

but with the way he says

suspicious you mean like disingenuous

no very mid 90s very out of

place for the year 2006 as it was yeah off

right i was like either he’s a time

traveler out of

style what do

you do you are you

the type of guy that like when you see a

powerful woman

with some guy

behind her who’s not really talking that much

do you just automatically assume

that he’s a bitch

yeah right yeah

not to be a pig or nothing but yeah i do yeah

i do when i see a really

powerful woman i want to see

what’s this guy like

is he more powerful

or is he less we’ll see

steadman might be more powerful

what oprah’s man what do you

think what are you talking

about i think

isn’t he pretty rich

is he on his own yeah he

can’t be rich like over rich i don’t

think nobody’s over rich i’m so glad we got to talk

about oprah oh yeah

why we talked

about kitties now we talk about opra

i just love it when joe talks oprah

i watch the opra

show sometimes yeah

subscribe to oh

do you like her no

yeah i think she’s interesting i don’t

think she’s a bad person she’s a good person

she’s doing she’s

spreading positive energy and she’s an easy

target would you bang her joe rogan

her or ellen

her or ellen who’d i bang

i’d bang over i

think oprah

yeah because she

would probably dollar

pussy she would probably like it

it’s billion dollars

alan would probably be

angry at me

i mean that is

assuming that oprah is

truly homosexual

heterosexual rather that

would be hot though

you know i was like i don’t want this dick

you’re taking

this dick not me you got a different

thing that turns you on buddy

and he checked it

well you know

there’s two types of

lesbians there’s

lesbians by genetics or

lesbians by circumstance

and lesbians by life you know

lesbians by

abusive men

and those are the

scary ones not

scary but sad i

should say sad

i’ve met a lot of

girls that fuck

they just met so many fucking asshole

men from their father

all the way down to

every fucking guy they’ve ever attracted

and they just like fuck men i need accompaniment

my girl’s always

been there for me and you hug this girl next

thing you know you’re a lesbian

right nothing

wrong with that man

or you know i

think women are much more open to the idea of

experimenting

and then maybe they find that they like

women better

and it’s something that most

straight men

would never

do it’s open i mean even if you’re a girl you’d have to

admit that you know

post a spectacular look

and boobs yeah and

these rubber

dicks i’m sure they you know they’re

happy with that

just dip it in

water hot water

make it warm

shove it in there i

think it’s a real dick

is it gay to show another guy

how much sperm that they made

today like a

picture don’t show

dudes your loads yeah yeah

unless they’re in the business

click click

alright air

quote never

mind that do you send loads

no i took a picture

today’s one

because i didn’t have sex yesterday

and i just to show how much came out

today you want to show

one of your friends your loads no i showed it to my

girlfriend and she was like wow that’s

crazy and it is

crazy and i was

gonna take you a couple

you show it

to her because you jerked off on your own is

oh she was at work and i was like

i was like hey

fellas i was

gonna show you but

it’s gay right that’s gay it’s like that’s

worse than showing your poop

right you need to go to a doctor

it’s just like coming

out of your body just like it’s a gay because it’s

come where i’ve

never show me

pictures of your shit either

unless they’re

spectacular

huge i had a

wrap around this is

huge amount of come like it’s surprising

hmm okay you

eat a lot of

egg whites or something

i don’t know

eating healthy

i don’t know taking zinc no

any supplements

sushi sushi the

sushi will do it there’s a lot of zinc

and a lot of heavy

metals as well though be careful

i believe they

drove german

piven crazy

right you didn’t have to get

out of some sort of a show because of that what you got

mercury overdose

it’s fucking real shit man

i used to eat anchovies

every week i used to eat

five six cans of anchovies

and then i got my

blood work done and the doctor said there’s

arsenic in my

blood not much but a little bit

and i go what

the fuck someone trying to poison me and he was like no

it’s a heavy metal

have you been eating a lot of seafood and i said yeah

i eat a lot of sardines

it’s like don’t eat the

sardines for a

while do another test

i’m clean it’s

arsenic wow

arsenic from from

just like that too

right that’s all the

oceans are so goddamn

polluted man

there’s that gigantic

patch of garbage

that’s floating somewhere in the middle of pacific

there’s not just one there’s a

bunch of them yeah

and it’s underwater it’s not just on the surface

there’s like a fuckload of it

underwater and they’re

enormous now they’re almost the

exact size of the united

states yeah

it’s an inhabitant that’s

crazy it used to be the size of texas

and the latest

one when they said it was almost the size of the united

states that’s

ridiculous it’s insane it’s the scariest thing ever

and you know what all this shit that came from fucking

tokyo was all

added to that too by the way or from

japan rather

all that shit that got washed away

in the earthquake the

tsunami that

stuff’s out at sea

i mean there’s a lot of fucking

debris out at sea

they’re finding houses

actual full houses

floating in the

ocean oh i’m sure and way out there

too oh yeah

and they’ve had what

three seven pluses in

it’s so crazy that someone decided to put a goddamn

series of nuclear reactors on

fault lines like it’s almost like

fault lines on an island

people are so silly

it’s like they like the the earth

could move but then

again it might not

it’s man you

know it’s when people

start to say this god

stuff and they

start to be like look

look at the

and you know it’s like no there isn’t a god it’s just

mother nature

being itself and we went and did something

stupid you know

well that is

mother nature

though we are insanely curious and we have this

weird desire to test

the boundaries to try

limitations

yeah to tame

mother nature and also to pull off the next new thing

to be able to get

power out of this gigantic

building that fills up the entire city

there’s just some

i mean literally they’re harnessing the

power of the fucking sun inside this

facility and containing it somehow or another yeah you

know and the real problem is i mean they’ve made some

you know some safeguards and shit and make

things you know a little

bit they can contain situations a little bit better

clearly they didn’t think of

every possible scenario

they didn’t

think of a nine right

they didn’t

think of a nine that

rattled for five minutes

because when you

think of that and you

think of a nine

you have to consider if you’re putting out a

budget for something how

often does a nine happen not too

often exactly so

we can’t appeal we can’t pay for the

worst possible scenario we have

to pay for a pretty bad one what a colossal fuck up

it’s another reason to get the fuck out of california

cause there’s

all sorts of fault

and there’s

all sorts of fucking reactors there’s one in

orange county anything over an

eight we got a big problem yeah scary

shit man but you know what that’s the cost of living

somewhere where it’s 75 degrees

every day yeah

but it’s not 75 degrees

every day in japan

i don’t know what the deal is over there i’m

not in that

spot i don’t

think the coolest shit that’s why yeah they do have

this yeah this is another subject that we talked

about yesterday on the corolla

show that this is the

exact perfect

place geographically

as far as like climate you can’t get any better

but as far as like

the worth of

human beings because there’s so many of us

it becomes people

becomes less valuable and they become more

aggressive toward each

other and more shitty to each other

there’s way

more cool people because there’s so many of us

because just sheer numbers i mean this podcast

is absolute

proof of that

one of the coolest

things about this podcast to me

is like it reunites me and

makes me realize how many interesting

fucking people i know how many cool friends i have that

i come over and

we have these cool conversations and then

this goes out into the internet and the

whole world gets it it’s like

there’s not that many people that have

you know freddie lockhart and sam tripolis

and all these different characters and duncan

trussells and

you know and

kevin pereira there’s all

these different

cool people and joey and ari

in their life i mean there’s so many of them you

know and part of that is because we’re living in this

giant population center and

it’s very showbiz

centric so you know everyone’s attracted to

spot it’s one of the few

things that keeps me here really

i like i mean it becomes like a way of life

after a while and you really can’t

leave it because when i’m outside of weirdoville

i find the normal people to be extremely weird

you know what i mean

i find the wants and desires my friends when i go back

when i go back to arizona and i

hang out with some of my friends some of them are still

have their youth and they

still have kids and they have family but they maintain

their youth

but most of them just turn into

their parents

right and it’s a really

weird thing to me that like they say depressing

the apex of

their life is over and now it’s just kind of like

going through the motions where i

still like to

think the best is yet to come

well you you

have a different career than that yeah i have a regular

career you’re a guy who

sells buicks

whatever the fuck you are

right but when people add you on facebook how

crazy different do they look like than

you us you know

like people

adding me to

facebook from high

school and stuff i’m like holy shit that looks

like my dad’s

friends now yeah well

those poor fucks have to work for a living

yeah those poor fucks are out

there grinding

just visually

they just look like stress 20 or 30 years

older dude look at

obama look at what he looks like now

as opposed to what

he was yeah dude look at bush when bush

got into office

and then towards the end look at clinton clinton’s

whole head her hair went gray

by the time he was out

i mean that shit ages you any

extreme stress ages

you pick to

your stress

level compared to a guy with a real job it’s

ridiculously low

mine is ridiculously low yeah i

guess you’re right

about that i don’t stress

about a whole lot

to the point

where i’ve gotten

you know i have time to i stress all the time now

even if it’s not an important

strike i don’t

you need to

stop doing that because your life is easy as fuck

even when my life is hard like the difficult shit

about my life is all just requires preparation

there’s no stress

because i actually

enjoy doing it

the real stress comes from something that you don’t

enjoy doing it but it requires an extreme

amount of preparation and extreme amount of time

and you put all this

effort into something you

don’t even like and you’re just doing it just for money

you know if you’re a lawyer and you don’t like being

a lawyer you’re just doing it because there’s a lot of

money in it that will fucking break in i

think that’s what brought us all here is we have that

childlike thing in us that says i want to do this

thing i always wanted to do and

see it through

you have to be completely

childlike to believe you

could actually pull it off

i remember when i was a kid

i was dating

this girl i was 21 she was a really nice girl

her name was jennifer and she was a sweetheart

we were both really

young and really stupid

and you know she was just getting out of college and

i was a psychopath

and her father did not want

her hanging around

with me but she was like he’s trying to be a comedian

oh yeah what are the odds that he’s

gonna make it

like this kid is not gonna he’s

gonna be a loser

and i remember sitting and

thinking about

going wow i

never even considered that right

right yeah i just find

i’m just gonna do this man i’m just

gonna do this like i’m

gonna do it

what if you

what if you fail what if you do

what if you feel

maybe i don’t know

right now i got to just do this

i got a show on peabody

i got a fucking get some

gas in my tank

right i’m not thinking

about not doing it man i

might fuck up i

might fail yeah i’m terrified of being a

loser absolutely

but i’m not

gonna just sit here

dwell on it

i’m gonna go for it

most people would not

be a comedian

they want predictability in

their lives and they want

their lives to be

mapped out for them and it’s like i live

day to day i

literally live day to day

i literally get up and say what does

today offer this is

gonna be great you know

my girlfriend she’s a

sweetheart but she stresses

all the time

always sure

the sky is falling and all that and i have to tell

her fuck it

well we’re all built

designed engineered

by the universe in nature and our own personal

experiences

we’re all different we’re just fucking different and

you’re not supposed

to be a physicist you’re not supposed to be

teaching at harvard

you’re not supposed to be working on

a molecular

you know science and

breaking down the universe you’re not

i’m not supposed to be doing it either

i’m supposed to be a comedian i mean it’s really simple

i mean this is what my personality

gels the best with

and you know some peoples it’s the most terrifying

thing in the world

go on i mean

you know we got shows this weekend all in philadelphia

one of the wildest fucking towns

everything sold out in advance we’re

gonna go there

they’re gonna be fucking

crazy it’s me

joey diaz and ari were

gonna be in

helium and philly

for some people that

would be unbelievably terrifying

the idea that you’re

gonna go there there’s

gonna be this packed show of people

anticipating your material

wanting you to make them laugh

paying to see you talk and they’re gonna be

drinking that’s awesome

but to a lot of people that idea is horrifying

if you went to

any town hall

or town hall

what am i even talking

about go to

any store and take some guy who’s working behind the

counter you know is

a cashier and

say okay we were gonna

you got one day to come up with a

bunch of shit to say

and then you’re

gonna go on

stage in front of

these rabid animals

and some comedy club in philadelphia

that’d be the most terrifying

thing in the

world for you

i’m telling you

as i’m telling you you’re getting this big smile

you’re getting excited

oh man that

sounds like fun yeah look at you you’re thinking

about it but that’s the

thing it’s like yeah we were

you’re supposed to be doing i’ve

been doing this for so long that it’s like that’s super

exciting to me

and it’s like you know i’ll meet people

like they’ll hang out with you before your show or

something but you’re nervous i’m like what what about

about your show tonight and you don’t even

thinking it i won’t think

about my show till it’s time to go to the show

people do they don’t realize that you

would get nervous it was your

first time ever on

stage and you’d

never done it before

but once you do it a

bunch of times it becomes a

thing you do

you get excited

i mean but you make sure you do your preparation

and then you don’t get nervous yeah

granted there’s that flight or flight feeling

right before i go to

space butterflies to let me know i’m a

human and i’m alive

harnessed it and i take that adrenaline and make it

happy time instead of

and i think we talked

about last time that

adrenaline is what prevents you from farting sneezing

having to puke on stage

all those shut down

peeing and you just go

right into fight or flight

where you have to be

focus focus

focus focus

i’ve never had to stop a show

cause i had to pee

never had to pee

never had to poop

never had to

never i’m lactose intolerant

i could be up there

drinking milk and i won’t have to stop the show

everything shuts down

everything a strange way to make a living isn’t it

it is but it’s the only way i know in my entire

adult life and we’re all here

on this west coast

hanging on trying

to make it happen

trying to put that fucking

entertainment

thing together in the perfect way and

make all those fucking

pieces fall into

place and boom

leave your mark yeah

freddy lockhart

follow him on twitter

follow me on twitter f r e d d y not

ie like some fucking run of the mill

freddy douchebag

this is f r e d d y

l o c k h a r t

that’s freddy lockhart bitches

respect the greatest

morgan freeman and iced tea

impressionist in the

world yes how

about that nice

thank you thank you very much

i just said that that’s true that’s

true you’re a hundred percent you’re the number one

no one can fuck with you

we gotta do some gigs together man i like when

joe rogan says

these kind of

things we’re

gonna do some gigs together i’d like them we

gotta fish together

we’re gonna go fishing too we’re

gonna make it all happen

follow freddy

on twitter we’ll be back tomorrow same time

three o’clock

i don’t even know who the fuck are guests

i have to make some calls

we got sal’s

comedy also

tomorrow sal’s comedy hold tomorrow

night at 8 pm

friday night

show up and

i’m doing a lot of road gigs so i

might not be doing it for a

while after that this week

might be my last one because i can’t do next week

freddy’s gonna show up

and that’s it

flashlight if you go to joerogane

net and click the link

and you get 15

off if you enter in the code name rogan

and you get

beat off and save a little

money can i get my new

statement fuck yeah all right

please come out to

stand up scottsdale in

scottsdale arizona

april 21st and

22nd i’ll be headlining there

come out stand up scottsdale

go to standup

scottsdale com

powerful and do you have a website then go to

you have a website and go to freddylockart com

which will take you to my facebook page so

go to my facebook page it’s all on that on my fan page

powerful the

powerful freddy lockhart

as of today there was only a couple tickets left we

added a show

thursday night in

philly and helium

i don’t know

if they’re gone yet but if they’re not hop on it

so we’re there all weekend

thursday friday and saturday

everything else is sold out joey

diaz and ari shafir

it’s a full

death squad

minus brian

it’s gonna be here

shooting loads and taking pictures

and so we’ll see you guys tomorrow thank you very much

tuning in appreciate it love you bitches

thank you later