The Joe Rogan Experience #1 - Brian Redban

start broadcast

and then update to twitter

and then i always like to watch my own channel

so let’s go to your own channel

so you can see what the chat is

your shows

and then i press pause on that you know

on this no no yeah right

and then update your internet tonight

update my go to the faster one

you’re gonna get addicted oh nice colors pretty

pretty pretty

this is all

step before 21 minutes ago oh that’s twitter see

now people are gonna ask questions and it’s just gonna

awful twitter

alright let me go okay

my website what is my u stream

yeah just click

or go back to that other page you know

is that the

but that’s not it

i think this one is it

or that one is it yeah you don’t you

don’t want to have too many windows open because you’re

gonna be killing your internet

right it’s killing

right now yeah

so i would accept that one and that one

maybe even close your tweet deck

really well not tweet deck i

guess it only upstates every once in a while

um log in right

she already say you’re already getting it

i think that’s huge yeah totally

oh you got screen burn in

huh you got screen burn in what are you talking

about go back to your message board for a second

that chat around the way right

see that yeah what is that looks like screen burning

right but it’s only the image that’s

i think this is transparency issue

okay what is the channel though

this isn’t the channel it is right

try upstream

upstream tv backslash channel joe rogan live

yeah right there try you can try it out yeah

yeah man

just kill that dude

damn this is slow as fuck right now yeah

and then when we get fancy we could put your website

address and we put graphics and all that stuff

do do do do do do do do do do

this is slow as fuck

pause that one screen you know that

where we’re watching yourself live yeah

okay hi so this is how you guys doing

hi we’re doing great

it’s cold

hi everybody

if you want to watch the chat you click on this

and people to chat live you know

okay oh oh oh oh oh oh

we are broadcasting live this is my office this is

brian rachel

aka redbam

hello world

the fuck is going on the questions are coming in now

how are you guys doing we’re doing swell

i don’t think we’re quite high enough for this

forgot we even

off camera marijuana use

pull it into the camera

the fuck is that the fire in this room

what’s going on

ask how is the quality

sound and video wise yeah how’s the quality

sound video wise

does it sound all right can you see us all right

bang bang bang oh oh oh oh oh

someone says they’re already hard that’s amazing

we got some way hard dude

but look at this

this is not this

see this guy here

and this guy’s above that but this guy isn’t on this

what’s that all about see yeah

huh so weird

dead air bad brogan where’s goldie

yeah we just

started this it’s not very good i apologize

it’s that person probably

no it’s not see this guy right here more red see

good sound quality yeah the video and oh

see different guy

this guy’s tweeted his tweet tweets not going through

oh that might be a

maybe something weird

but i was i was talking about the where they said the

sound and video snowflakes falling or a bit annoying

oh come on it’s christmas

video and sound are okay but the snowflakes are

annoying does everybody feel like the snowflakes are

annoying is just one dude that’s kind of

you know anal

about what he looks at on a screen

come on man it’s beautiful snowflakes

merry christmas you fox how you doing everybody

merry christmas my friend

you gonna change it now we’ll just add something else

go with bubbles to bubbles

bubbles bubbles will add bubbles and

there it’s just for that dude


and then we will add a

clock for that guy this is for 2000

no we don’t need a clock yeah kill the clock

clock’s ridiculous

anyways you can go through it and then if you

get one in unexit will take him off

wow this is good

comic book what’s comic

it makes me look like a comic book

oh that’s gay yeah so then you can see scroll down

bubbles and snowflakes

flame on let’s see what flame on does that

fire that’s gay

hmm glow shall we glow

no shall not

and you could change like

sometimes they

have options so if you wanted to glow less

you could drag that yeah

oh let’s go to the matrix

black helicopters

trying to take your baby it’s just a matrix though

you see if you

this is terrible yeah

yeah nasa

that’s it just don’t

pixelate pop art all these look gross

thermal thought bubble there you go

and then you can type in what you want right there

love it okay let’s go

how much of this shit is annoying

probably the bubbles the bubbles are

annoying and

me just sit in front of the fucking computer

just going how about this how about that

that’s annoying there’s people watching this like

why don’t you show them this awesome box that somebody

made yeah this is an awesome box that some

wonderful couple got me

i’m not sure if the dude made it or the girl made it

but this is like

a killer stash box

that this these

two cool people gave me well actually the guy made it

because the girl made the pipe now i remember

the girls a

glass blower

what is this wild

box with like this cool alex

gray art on it

and it’s like

a really trippy

stash box and

some guy made it to me and gave it to me

after one of his shows i wish i knew the dude’s name

because it was very cool

and the box has like

little place

where you would keep your tobacco

and she made me this killer little pipe

and he may get away from the snowflakes so

but whoever they are

if they’re watching this highly unlikely but if

nobody’s watching this

we have ten people in here

now this is oh

113 already wow okay

this is like a

113 people’s

like a show at a comedy club now i feel pressure

isn’t that weird

113 peoples like we have to be

we have to be

entertaining so

let’s read the

twitter feed and see what the fuck is up bitches

let’s see this dash how dare you

it’s not a stash

this is medicine

it’s this is called

train wreck

you see right there and you see

right there

this if you don’t know if you’re from out of town

that red cross and the marijuana leaf

this is medical

marijuana so this is totally

legal in the

state of california

it’s pretty

trippy because

you drive down the street

and i was driving

those street yesterday and we were looking for places

where we could

you know like we

could see how many

places are near my house

there’s like fucking

20 places within a couple

miles of my house

that i can go

and a lot of them

they just say

collective on it it’ll say like

west hills collective or

fucking dick street

collective whatever

and they’ll have a red

cross and that’s all you need

to know and everybody knows that it’s weed they have

green letters everybody uses

green letters

and they’re

everywhere and you go

and if you have one of

these right here this is brian’s

if you see this this is a real legitimate

recommendation from a doctor and this

all you do is you go to a doctor you say

marijuana helps me

sleep whatever

and the doctor will give you one of

these legitimate


a legal prescription

state of california from marijuana

and then you go to

these places and some

of them you can pay with a fucking credit card it’s the

trippiest thing ever

you you buy weed with a credit card and you’re like

what year is this it’s two

thousand and nine

but the rest of the country

still living in the dark ages

colorado is

catching up

colorado has a

bunch of places now

colorado actually is

gonna open up

medical marijuana restaurant

and they’re

gonna open up some 30 000 square foot weed

superstore and boulders fucking gigantic it’s like

three stories isn’t

texas even doing like a vote sooner

yes yeah well

a lot of people are trying

in a lot of

states are trying

massachusetts recently made it

they decriminalized it it was

they don’t have any medical law yet there but now it’s

completely not

legal but it’s not illegal it’s a weird thing like

you’re not allowed to sell it like possession is one

thing but selling it

is a different

thing you’re still not allowed to sell it

which is fine let people fucking grow it

you know really

fucking fucking

hunter s thompson had it right

hunter s thompson when he was running for sheriff

he was saying that no drug

good enough to be taken should be allowed to be sold

that was like a law that he was gonna pass in aspen

and he was gonna call aspen fat city he was

gonna change the name of aspen to fat city

he was gonna tear up all the roads

and sod the streets so it was all dirt roads everywhere

he fucking lost by 400 votes

it’s only 400 votes

if he won if he was the sheriff of aspen

that would have been fucking badass

but one of the things that he wanted to have was that

any drug that you can take that’s good enough to be

taken should be legal and he’s fucking totally right

you know if people want weed it should be people

should trade things for we don’t you know what fuck it

you should be able to buy if you want to

but the problem with that is

you know then you’re

gonna get some really unscrupulous people that just

wanna sell pot

you know they just want to sell it

and they want

to make profit off of it and then it becomes

like anything else

they try to cut out the competition

like one of the wheat

stores that i go to there’s a guy

right next door to him

that opened up like i’m talking like

right next door like there’s

maybe like one

store front between two

wheat stores

and guys pissed off and he’s fucking this guy’s a dick

that’s totally not in the spirit of

you know what marijuana supposed to be

me you’re not supposed to be opening up

right next to

store to a dude and killing his competition

but he shouldn’t be like fuck that dude you know what’s

that dude doing he’s just another dude selling weed

yeah i shouldn’t be doing it

right next to you yes correct but

don’t be an asshole

you’re fucking selling weed pal

you know you ain’t

fixing the world

hunteris thompson is my hero and i’m

planning full sleeves

of ralph steedman

art are you really wow that’s a fucking good idea

steadman steadman

or steedman

i forget i say his name is a steedman

fucking i love his art his arts perfectly goes like

what’s the word i’m looking for


hunter s thompson’s writing you know that guy

just fucking nailed it from the very

first time they worked together

when they did that

the kentucky derby

is decadent and depraved

from that story

all the way onto

fear and loathing in las vegas that

ralph guy he fucking nailed it

he was hanging with hunter

he totally got the vibe that hunter was writing

he totally got

where hunter was seeing things

you know i just

started getting into hunter s thompson

really recently

i was i guess

maybe a year and a half ago i was

staying in a

hotel room in seattle

and i ordered up

gonzo on the pay per view in the hotel

just because

that nothing else looked good said fuck it i’ll just

check this out and

i immediately became a hunter

s thompson fan i

started reading his books and

i’m reading the one i’m reading now

the one i’m reading now is this one

great shark hunt

it’s great it’s got everything in there it’s got a

bunch of his different shit fear and loadings in there

the kentucky derbies in there a lot a lot of

great stores like a collection of his works

the quintessential

well need to open grow homes with retail

fronts yeah

keep it all easy that’s what i’m talking

about if you’ve

never been to

a grow room before i’ve only been to one grow room

it was pretty interesting there was

a place in la

where they it was a full service

place you can get a prescription there

you could get weed there and you could

what you kind

of seeing a

picture with me hi

you could get weed there and they grew it

so there was like this back room

where they had all

these lights set up it was pretty fucking

trippy man like it was a big ass room

and it was filled with these

plants and they were all lit up

and you walk through the plants and

like yeah they were alive

you know they’re living

plants but it felt like

like they were conscious like

maybe it was because i was really high

that might be but

maybe because i was really high

i was able to tune into it but it was it was a very

weird sensation it felt like i was around

like living entities

i didn’t just feel like they were

plants it felt like they were alive

you know it was very strange it’s cool

i thought about i was like

that be cool to have something like that in my house

but that’s pretty illegal

federally at least

you know if they caught you with a bunch of

plants in your

house you know they’d be like hey

bitch what are you doing with those

you’re allowed to have

yeah we allowed to have a bunch

you can have like up to six

plants i think you’re actually allowed

to have more because you have that

extra oh that’s

right i have an exemption

because i’m a fucking real stoner

is two of these fucking with us here

no but you can you can totally turn off that

second one this one yeah

sorry folks getting organized this is the first time

i’m always threatening to do some shit like this i

never fall through

why were the

ufc ring girls

fired i do not know

they were very nice

all of them

were two girls were fired

they left arianny

who was very nice person

as well i’ve been friends with her for years she’s

super cool chick and hot

very hot probably

classically beautiful like it

doesn’t get any more beautiful her face

very nice person

to you can follow her on twitter she’s on the twitter

she’s the one with the fake wig

still working

what you talking

about fake wig how dare you

first of all how dare you

how dare you

fuck with her

whole career

the one with the fake wig

she has a fake i don’t know

what are you talking

about the one with the big hair the

seventies hair she looks like she has

seventies hair

damn she just

started like

maybe oh the blonde one yeah

her name is

logan she did not have fake hair that was

her hair that was real yeah she just has some

curly hair and that’s how she wears it

very very nice girl i thought

the atlanta

housewives thing you know how

that wigs are back so i thought that

was one of those

you might be right

might be right

you ever watch that

housewives atlanta show oh

there’s nothing like

first of all there’s nothing like white girls

around black girls when they start talking

black i love that shit

i love when

white guys do it i love when white girls do it

to me it’s just like watching

chimps at the zoo when they fuck each

other when they go crazy it’s like wow

this is weird this is interesting

when white people around black people they

start acting black

there’s no better example than the steven seagal show

holy shit have you seen what he does that

he pulls up to a group of

black people’s like what up cuz what’s going on

oh dude much love much love he talks

black like really condescendingly

and then you know when he’s

in the car when the cameras on he’ll talk like buddhist

says it says like

stupid shit you know

the one monk

was walking

with the younger monk and the younger monk says

what is the way of buddha

way and so the older monk

throws him in the water deep

he talks it

like he’s two totally different dudes he talks like the

steven saga

who’s like the mystical man and the steven seagal

who is this fucking strange cop

in louisiana he has a

southern accent that he uses part of the time

part of the time

and then occasionally he drops the

southern accent and he goes with a full on

black accent like

ladies in the hood

but steven seagal is a fucking cop like for real

like he puts on a bulletproof vest

he gets in his fucking car

and they go

fight crime

and it’s like

who is letting him do this

like how crazy

is it that all you have to have is a couple fucking

movies have you seen his website

oh it’s genius

yeah it’s awesome

is it steven seagal com

i think so have you seen jim

you seen jim carrey’s website

yeah jim carrey

has the most amazing website in the

whole entire world

it’s pretty cool

i’ve never seen a better website

yeah it’s very very unique but

when i see websites like that i wish i

still tripped on shrooms all the time

cause i was just sitting at his website all day

yeah no shit

beyond the mind’s eye

yeah the so called show is fucking

oh what the fuck

been attacked

this behind me this sign

is a point of controversy

from the man show when i hosted it i know it’s terrible

listen we thought it was terrible too

we got fucked

when doug stanhope

and i went to do that show they lied to us they

told us you can do nudity we’ll blur it out you can

swear we’ll beep it out we want you to go

crazy we want to get sued it’s

gonna be great publicity

and then when we

started doing it

first of all janet jackson

pulled her nipple out and everybody went fucking

crazy this shit

crazy we’re

still feeling the

effects from that it’s amazing

like literally

television got set back a decade

because of janet jackson’s nipple

and the big

thing was that they were

showing it during the dinner hour and children were

watching well

isn’t like a

woman’s nipple

are we that fucking crazy

it’s not like she had a

rifle up her

pussy it’s a fucking nipple

you know that’s where

babies feed it’s it’s is it that offensive

that’s for babies

it is man that’s the first

talking about it

being during the dinner hour

somebody had a really good

point when this happened

he said isn’t that like the first meal

that’s like the dinner yeah i mean

breasts yeah you see that

since you were a kid well

you know what

especially having kids on my own

now when i see mrs rogan

make fucking milk with her

tits and i’m like i see

the tits are dead to me i don’t suck on them anymore

but what’s more important

is that you look at them and you say that’s like

those are that’s like

where food comes from like it’s not offensive

but anyway this

thing behind us make me hard

this is how fucking

stupid they were when we were doing the show

there was an argument

and we came up with a game show called

make me hard

and what it was is the guy

would be strapped into a

chair and he

would have this box on his dick and with a

light would go off in the box

and you know

the light would

indicate that he has a boner

and so we’d have like

midgets eating

bananas and shit and oh he’s getting hard you know

it was kind of corny

but what we really the reason why we did it is

one of the gags was

we had this really hot

chick and she

climbs all over him the audience is

going fucking

crazy they’re

going nuts and

this really hot chick

at the end of this who pulls her

tits out he’s sucking on her

tits whipped

cream the whole deal

and then she pulls her panties off and she’s got a dick

and the audience goes

crazy she was a tranny

and i mean i’ve

never heard a bigger wave of


than when this

this tranny pulls

out this dick and she was taking all kinds of hormones

so it was like a dick that had been poisoned

it looked like dead it was like like dark

it was dark and shriveled up like it burned

like chemically burned like it was like a little dead

monkey dick

what’d it smell like

and she pulled it out and she

starts like

swinging around in the fucking audience went

crazy and the guy sit in the chair just

had this look in his face of heart

well they approved all that

but what they

wouldn’t approve is that the name of the show

make me hard

they said that we had a name to show

make me stiff

like just like an argument

like for real like there’s a difference like

they mean the same

thing just make me

stiff doesn’t

sound doesn’t

sound quite as

funny really

doesn’t matter i mean what’s the difference but the

point was that they were willing to

argue this it was a big deal for them

and that shows you how

these shows work

the best shows like

like stand up

comedians like if you take a guy like dave chappelle

or you know katt williams or anybody any

good comic that you like

they write all

their own shit they

write it they perform they’re saying shit that they

think is funny

they are the

producer they are the performer they’re the

whole ball of wax they’re the writer they’re everything

and that’s why you get a pure product

because you get a product that’s from this dude’s mind

well what happens is when you like

start working on a

television show

these people that are working for the network

somebody has to work for the network and you

would assume

that the people at the very top of the food chain

are the perfect people for the job

but that’s not true

they’re just

people that some i know they got that fucking job

and a lot of them they like to

think that they know what’s good like to

think they have an eye for and they always want to put

their footprint on it

they want to put

their handprint on it they want to change something

and the anything

i think the

background should be blue we’re

gonna ruin the

whole show with this red background

and they’ll go

crazy and they’ll fucking

fight over this

why because they want to be the one to say well

it was me that decided for the blue

background if they didn’t go with that blue

background the show was shit am i right

and then the wife will

agree with them

and they all get fucking pilled up together

that this is what they argued over

make me hard so this is i got to keep this sign

because it was useless

because we had to change the sign to make me stiff

like it’s okay to pull out your fucking dick

it’s okay to have a guy strapped to a

chair thinking a

chick is on top of them

and this chick pulls out this

wrinkled poisoned black dick

that’s okay

but you can’t call it hard you have to call it stiff

it’s really that dumb it seems like i

would be exaggerating but

that’s why dave

chappelle walked away from the chappelle show

it’s just cause

when you’re a comic

having somebody

else tell you what’s good and what’s bad

like there was one of the

things we did in the man show where

we wanted joey diaz

if you don’t know what joey diaz is

his twitter is mad flavor one word

madflaver and joey

diaz is one

of the funniest dudes i’ve ever met in my life

he’s like one of the funniest

human beings to ever live

and joey weighs like

350 pounds he’s down to 300

but back then he was like 350

and he would

always get naked we get

naked all the time get

naked on stage

and his balls

literally look like

grapefruit in an old lady’s pantyhose

i mean they’re fucking

ridiculous and he

doesn’t shave them

but they have no hair on him

like he has no hair on his arms no hair on his chest

and he’s fat as fuck

and we wanted to have him

introduce us to the beginning of

every show he kicks open this door

and comes out yelling let’s get this

party started

and his balls are jingling it’s fucking hilarious

first of all it’s hilarious

cause joey’s hilarious no matter he could read

doug stanhope

said joey diaz

could read the

phone book and it’d be

funnier than most of the shit you see on late night tv

and that’s totally true

but they were like that’s not

funny what’s funny

about this this is not

funny no one’s

gonna lie it was like a big argument

and i said listen let’s do two openings

we’ll do one regular opening

and then we’ll do one opening with joey

well we did the opening with joey and they went fucking

crazy of course

everybody was

screaming and

laughing and yelling

and it set the tone

the tone that we wanted to have like this is

we’re just trying to have fun

we’re not you know we’re not trying to be relevant

or we’re just trying to have something

that people

enjoy let’s have fun

let’s have a fucking good time

but it was almost impossible

to try to have that good time when you have you know

other people like

that aren’t necessarily

funny at all

and they’re like putting

their input into what’s

what should be in this comedy show

so doug and i got fucked but the most important

thing is that we had a good time and

we came well we were always good friends but we became

great friends doing that

all right what else what’s going on here

the snowflakes what you don’t like the snowflakes

they’re dragging the video

stream down oh you know what you might be right dude

the snowflakes might be fucking us

freedom no more snowflakes is that better everybody

oh sure it’s better my fucking

my internet’s gay

you need to upgrade that i can’t believe you have

you haven’t done that

i live used to be on top of the game i live in a i know

you he used

to have the fastest internet back when internet was 12

you know 28 k 56 k used to have well back when no

i asked the end

first then i got a

t1 line installed in my house

t1 that’s like

where i’m 56 k mode

this is for business

lines i mean they only had it at businesses and i live

way the fuck outside la

and there’s

it took a long time for us to get like dsl

and shit out here

like i couldn’t get

cable i used to have to get

satellite directv so so they

they the only

thing they have that was really fast is this

thing called a

t1 line but it was a thousand

bucks a month

that was on news

radio i was like

i was totally new rich

you know i was like okay that’s

so when that

happened i was like okay let’s do it thousand bucks a

month come on let’s do it and so i got this crazy

super fast internet pipe installed in my house

but now i got this gay dsl

this is not very powerful

i need to upgrade

i’m gonna get some of that at amp

t uverse lovin

what else we got here much better is that much better

thank you good

awesome yeah because once you get that then

that’s why i asked to get wi fi

check the dude in the background for a pulse

well he might be a vampire team jacob

what the fuck is

going on with

america we have rock stars that don’t fuck

right the jonas brothers

we got vampires that don’t bite anybody

we have pop stars they can’t go to

sleep so they they get

literally sedated

every night we have golfers getting fucked

we got america that’s freaking out

because an ugly rich guy is getting a lot of pussy

a cheat on his wife

he’s cheating on his wife

he’s a black athlete

like is that really a big shot i just think ugly

it’s amazing that a

guy like that all he has to do is be good at something

and acquire a

bunch of numbers and

he can fuck all

these girls like he’s not even paying

these girls it’s incredible

cause one of the girls was like asking for money

and he’s like i can’t help you

but she’s not even paying them

so he’s just like billionaire dude

and he’s banging

these cocktail waitresses

and they’re struggling with

their bills and he won’t even put

go over any cash

like how hard

would it be for

tiger was just

slipper ten grand

you know what’s the big deal she

she lets you fuck her

like do you have a

mirror in your house

like you’re getting something out of this man

you get to fuck her

and all he wanted was

just give him dick like that’s all you get you get dick

you don’t get no money

and on one hand

i gotta say the dude had a very

strong pimp

hand you know

i kind of respect that

but on the other hand i feel like

maybe we should give her some money

maybe she wouldn’t

be making a fucking tell

all book if you were like really nice to her and

you gave her the

money that she needed

yeah tiger is handsome

so says gay man synthesis

tigers handsome

okay you know what he’s not ugly but he’s not like

it’s not jacob

looks kind of like a bug

he’s not a handsome man he’s unfortunate looking

you know i mean he’s very well

built he’s very

athletic he’s obviously very driven he’s got a lot of

attractive qualities

uber successful

but you can’t say that he’s

you know i mean like who’s

class you don’t like your guys you don’t like your guys

black sure i do

if it was like that tyrese

dude that actor dude that’s a very handsome man

that’s a handsome


if you found out that he was banging sixteen

chicks across the country be like that’s it

only sixteen

figure figure

you have fucking ten in each

town and he was plowing that guy’s a stud

you know but

tiger doesn’t look like that

tiger doesn’t look like a male

model he looks like an unfortunate mix of ethnicities

babe but you know

whatever whatever

hey look i’m gonna

choke red band out please look i’m that dude from crawl

know the movie crawl

the cyclops

you know is the fucking shit that a

pans labor myth

thing that had the eyes and hands

that guillermo del toro dude was pretty badass but

i gotta say his book sucks the strain

really good book for like

the first hundred pages

and then he got

tired of writing

it just fucking and just finished it like real sloppy

like really bad action

scenes like

the killing the

vampires like so easy it was really stupid

it was really good in the beginning i was like what a

great premise

that the fucking airplane lands everybody in the

plane is dead they can’t figure out what’s going on

the alternative

vampires and takes over the

whole city it’s pretty fucking bad i was

this one vampire like infected the

whole plane

but then it just

turns into dog shit

most of the 16 hoes aren’t that

attractive this man is saying that that

that guy was not banging

pretty girls

he had a few stragglers in there but

overall those chicks are pretty goddamn hot

you know better than what that person’s getting

this guy right here he

might be getting you never know

but i mean some of them like that rachel ouchatell

chick that chicks hot as fuck

and then the

other one that

was on the reality tv she’s pretty goddamn hot too

he had some pretty

pretty attractive

women in his stable

what’s joey diaz

twitter again

mad flavor here

see this is one of the

things that we can do you can hit this text

you can add a new text

and so if anyone ever ask you

you can just type in oh here we go i’ll tell you follow

and red band

i don’t even have a thousand yet you don’t

i never pimp my twitter

oh yeah you guys gotta follow red band

and then you can shrink the size and

right below font size yeah

yeah if you just drag the thing left and right

there we go and then you can move the box like

maybe move it to the top or something

that’s wherever the location is or the bottom

you just click on the box and then drag it

okay and i do the other way wouldn’t do it really hit

position and then just drag won’t let me know that

black box i know it won’t let me grab oh there we go

you son of a bitch

fucking bitch

all right we’re going

news radio or fear factor

which show is more disgusting to work on ha ha

fear factor for sure

but fear factor paid more

money but news

radio was way more fun news

radio was a

news radio was like a privilege

you know i was like what the

whole time i was doing i was like i can’t even believe

first of all i couldn’t

believe that i was on a tv show that was just like

because i i didn’t

i didn’t really

do much acting before that i acted on one

other sitcom that i got from doing

stand up comedy and

in 1994 i’d only been doing comedy

six years so

it’s like i was

still pretty raw as a comedian

and all of a

sudden i’m on this fucking tv show

i was like whoa

and then i’m on the show not only am i on

a tv show i’m on a tv show with phil hartman i was like

this is fucking nuts

you know and dave foley and andy deck i mean

pretty incredible

job but fear factor was just

about getting please

getting that paper

you know saying

she i know that

just like king moe says

get that paper

brittany murphy thoughts

you know what man i don’t have any thoughts

until i find out what killed her

you know i mean everybody

says that it’s drugs i don’t know it was drugs

i don’t think

the husband

doesn’t want to have an autopsy

kind of strange

you know really strange

you know especially

since obviously they were

gonna do one anyways

cause it’s kind of like why did she die yeah

unless you killed her

i mean why doesn’t

she why doesn’t

that guy want an autopsy if it was a murder case

then of course he

would want an autopsy right

you’d be like

how do you dive

natural the only time way you dive natural

causes when you’re 32 years old

is if you have like a serious health condition or

if you take something that kills you

which is pretty natural

i’ve read that a lot of her

close friends stopped hanging out with her when she got

married to that guy because of him

so there’s something with this guy

well i’ve had

some friends that have had some serious drug problems

in the past i had a friend that died from drugs

best friend

when i lived in new york

and he used to do heroin

he used to do

crack but mostly heroin

and he had like manageable problems with coke and

stuff like that

until he got on heroin and heroin

just fucking sealed his fate

that shit that shit just gets in your

blood it becomes a part of you

i mean i’ve seen people

jones and for co i’ve seen people

jones for a lot of shit but there’s something

really weird

about watching people

jones for heroin

i mean it’s like they need

water like they’re in the desert and they need water

and when people get involved in this and

apparently that’s what a lot of the hollywood

kids are doing a lot of them are doing fucking heroin

you know i don’t know what it’s all

about but it’s pretty spooky man

real alcoholics are pretty

spooky too like when you wake up in your

night the first thing you drink is a beer

yeah i’ve met a lot of alcoholics

i know a lot of alcoholics i know a lot of functioning

alcoholics and i know a lot of people that are just

you know just flat out

drunks especially

comics you know i’ve done a lot of

comics that have had real alcohol problems

because they get free booze and they’re out in clubs

every night and

you know alcohol

gives you a liquid courage and if you’re performing

every night

you might be

drinking every

night you’re

drinking every

night you’re

gonna have a fucking problem

eventually that shit’s

gonna grab you

conspiracy theories are only theories

until proven fact

yeah well they there are real conspiracies

most conspiracy theories are

stupid because people want to find the mystery shit

they want to find bigfoot

you know when meanwhile there’s a

bunch of real

live animals that are way more interesting than bigfoot

if bigfoot if we

found bigfoot

bigfoot would be in a fucking cage

right next to the

monkeys at the zoo

if we found them

if we really caught them they

would be like look there’s a big ape

you know we got the

short ape there’s a big there’s a big 10 foot tall ape

nobody would give a shit

but like killer

whales if killer

whales didn’t exist

and there was

some animal that people talked

about in legend that was as

smart as people

lived in the ocean

but breathed air

and had to come up for air

and doesn’t eat

human beings saves

human beings but kills

everything else including

great white sharks

a super intelligent being

that’s gigantic

and murderous and runs the

ocean people

would say fuck that that’s crazy

that’s not real that can’t be real

but it is real

we just know it’s real

and because the fact that

we know it’s real it’s not as interesting to people

people love mysteries we love discovering new shit

like the loch

ness monster

loch ness monster

doesn’t do shit it

doesn’t kill anybody it

doesn’t do anything

every now and then pokes its head out of the

water and everybody’s like

whoa i saw it everybody gets crazy

you know meanwhile there’s fucking crocodiles

that are real they’re alive

they’re gigantic they’re like fucking 30 feet long

they can hold

their breath

underwater for like

hours at a time

they don’t have to eat for a year

i mean crocodiles are fucking

crazy they’re

literally dinosaurs that are

still alive

today they were exactly the same way as they are now

hundreds of millions of years ago

nobody gives a fuck everybody’s looking for the loch

ness monster

you know there’s something that people

really really get into

when it comes to conspiracies

you know and

i’ve been guilty of it myself you know like

i used to really be into ufos and

like all kinds of

stuff like that

until i kind of realized

like what i’m into

is the unknown

what i’m into is like somehow or another is if

there’s something that’s unknown and

i figure it out

and i find it and i know it’s proven and true

then somehow or another you gain something from that

i guess you do to a certain extent if you can really

prove it but mostly what it is is this

weird desire that

human beings have

for things to

prove things

so it’s a very

weird thing conspiracy theories

like everybody’s always looking like for

all sorts of conspiracies that aren’t real

i know this also from

working where

i’ve had people like

like working with the ufc

like people are always talking

about the ufc wants this and

joe rogan said that because the

ufc told them saying

the ufc never tells me to say shit

they literally

never tell me what to say

my job’s the craziest job ever i’m

literally the guy who

speaks for this

multi 100 million dollar

sports company

and nobody tells me what to do

i show up and they tell me what the fights are

and i just do it i try to be professional as possible

i try not to

swear occasionally you know i’ll slip up

with that but i’m trying not to swear

but all i’m trying to do is do commentary

on the fights

the only thing they’ve ever told me what to do is

when they were trying to buy pride

and pride fucked them over and there’s this big

thing going on back and forth they said

please don’t mention

pride by name you can mention all the fighters

but don’t mention

pride by name because they

didn’t want to give advertisement to that organization

which totally is totally

legitimate totally makes

sense to me you know

but they don’t tell me like hype this guy up talk

about that guy don’t don’t mention this guy’s name

and make sure you

tell everybody this guy this is the guy we want to win

there’s none of that there’s

none of that zero so

i know that’s a conspiracy that people

think is real

that’s not real i know i know there’s a

there’s a lot of

other ones that people

think it’s real

but there’s ones that are real you know

chemtrails are the ones that i’ve recently turned on

yes that whole

thing you talked

about the you know

the hair yeah there’s a lot of people that

would look at those

things in the

sky and go what is that what are they doing

well i talked to a

pilot and i

asked a pilot

about it and he gave me a very simple explanation

about how water

going through those jets

those jet engines at a certain altitude with certain

you know weather

conditions certain moisture

they have like

humidity yeah

midi because

barometric pressure

there’s all sorts of factors but if it’s the

right factors is

enough enough

water in it

it’ll create

clouds like

literally jets create clouds

saw these people like man they’re making clouds

well that’s what happens

when jets fly through the fucking air

like the idea that they would be

spraying cities poisoning people

don’t they live on the ground too

they’re spraying themselves

spraying their families and stuff

they have shots

they’re taking shots so that they don’t get not to say

that they don’t

experiment with weather

but the majority of the lines you see in the air

definitely there’s

legitimate concerns

about like that harp program

whether they’re fucking

doing things to the

ionosphere and

for sure they’re

experimenting with weather

because we know that

china has successfully created rain

you know they’ve done

successful weather operations

so there are

absolutely real conspiracies but there’s a lot of

goofy ones man

and the problem is

it’s very difficult for people

to once they

have made a decision

about want something like jfk

oswald acted

alone and people just get that in

their head oswald acted alone

it’s very difficult for them to look at

contrary evidence and take it into consideration

it’s almost like there’s a competition

going on they want

their side to be right

and people have

a real hard time and our friend that we were talking

about the chemtrails

didn’t want to believe

we’re having an argument with him

while saying listen man

you don’t know

you say the research that i’ve done i’m like

you’re watching youtube clips

is that what

constitutes research these days

you know and

he was convinced that chemtrails were real and i’m like

they make no sense

and the other

thing the pilot

had that was a good

point was like he’s a

pilot he’s like

believe me man

pilots would be talking

about it right it

wouldn’t be like something that’s that easy you

could just hire

god to fucking spray

every city in the world

every day of the week and they’re

gonna keep their

mouth shut plus

all these reporters that are like getting pissed

off at like oil businesses for ripping off customers

what if that you’re getting

sprayed with poison when that reporter be crazy

it research

reporter you

know it’s silly

it’s silly that’s i think chem

chills are a silly one

not not to say they haven’t

sprayed people before

not to say that

there haven’t been

some experiments

where they’ve

sprayed you know certain

bacteria or certain colds

you know over

an area to see if they can get people sick

why not we know there’s a

thing called operation midnight climax

that in the 1950s

the cia ran

fucking brothels

they ran whorehouses

in new york and san francisco

and they ran

these things

and what they

did was they ran the whorehouse so they can do lsd

experiments on people

and so they unknowingly gave

these johns acid

so these poor guys

would go in there just

to try to give

their hard earned money

they probably

didn’t even have much

pay just whatever they had to get

their dick sucked

and they’re getting dosed with acid

freaking the fuck out probably already feeling

super guilty

probably half of them were

married and they just cheating

otherwise and they felt guilty

about that and then they’re dosed up with acid and

dealing with the reality of the situation

we know the cia

did that this is information

that was released in the freedom information act

you look it

up google it it’s pretty interesting it’s called

operation midnight climax

and it’s just one of

many experiments that the cia did


on american

citizens taxpayers

and they’ve done it forever

and that’s how they do business

and guarantee that if they did this back in nineteen

fifty they’re doing something like it now

it’s not like they

changed it’s not like

these all these like conspiracies all

these things that the government’s done like

operation northwoods

operation northwoods was the

thing that they proposed in the 1960s

1962 and this was signed

by the joint chiefs of

staff and then

vetoed by kennedy

what it was was they were trying to get people


about a war

against cuba

so they were

planning on

blowing up american

ships like real

ships they were

gonna have mock

plane crashes

where they were

gonna blow up

drones in the air

and they were

gonna blame it on the cubans

they were gonna say that all

these people died and they were

gonna take the passengers and

put them under

false aliases and have

pilots under

false aliases and

that pilot was

gonna give may days and say you got shot down

look that up too it’s

really interesting it’s called operation northwoods

and this was a real

plan that they had

drafted in the 1960s that

the department of defense

drafted up and

the joint chiefs of

staff signed

and kennedy

vetoed it and

kenny was like you guys are fucking

crazy like what are you doing

like you’re gonna

fake attacks in

order to get people to want to go to war with cuba

and that’s probably one of the reasons why i

killed kennedy

you know who knows but

these are real conspiracies they’re real we know that

things are conspired on

the real problem

with conspiracies is nobody wants to look stupid

and when you

say that you believe something like you believe in

alien abduction or you believe

the government killed kennedy

or you believe

anything nutty we didn’t land on the moon

when you say you don’t believe nutty things

people just automatically

label you a kook

instead of looking at it and going

okay what has the government done they really have

dosed people with lsd with

other knowledge

they really set up


the cia did this

really they really were faking attack they were

planning on faking attacks

on american civilians

and blowing up american

ships and blaming on the cubans

they really were

gonna attack guantanamo bay

attack soldiers they were

gonna fuckin

shoot mortars

into guantanamo bay

they’re gonna kill american soldiers and

blame it on the cubans

and get us to attack them that’s all real

so you gotta keep your eyes open you

gotta keep your mind open

and the problem with conspiracy theories is

people choose one side or the

other either there’s a conspiracy which

are ridiculous

and i’m not believing this

or they go well

you know they

are the conspiracies are real and it’s usually not that

black or white it usually takes a lot of looking at

before you get to the real truth and

and the real

truth is fucking

sketchy i mean

it’s real hard to have information

about a lot of

things in this world

as much information as we have on the internet

there’s still a lot of shit

that you don’t get

like bill maher twittered something

today that i was like

this guy doesn’t even

he’s incorrectly this has all been disproven

he twittered something

an anti christian thing

about mithra

and you know i was like how

funny is this bill

maher isn’t even doing his research

like he’s twittering something that

everybody says

about mithra

but it was disproven

he gets his news by the

paper here it is

mithra born 12 25 12 disciples

died rose on may on the

third day performed miracles

known as a lamb

the way the

truth the light 600 years before

jesus christ

i see what his

point is his

point is what

he’s trying to say it’s like hey there was no you know

there wasn’t

you know there was no

jesus christ that this this

fable this myth has existed in many different forms

but the mithra

thing is totally

wrong because the mithra thing if you just google

zeitgeist the movie debunked this guy gets really into

the mythology behind

you know in zeitgeist they talk about how

jesus really is the basically the same

story as all these different stories before

and one of them was mithra and you know so

so bill maher quoting on his thing that

mithra was born

12 25 had 12 disciples well if you go to this

other site that that this guy

seems like a

really intelligent guy i don’t know if he’s right

but he’s talking

about anybody’s researched it at

least talking

about the miss and alleges of mithra are

numerous in account and spans several different

cultures he says i ran into a

brick wall of sorts trying to

track down any

of this information i cannot find any evidence

of his birthday being december 25th

the only dates that

correspond to him

are his festival on

october 8th and another on september 12th through 16th

a cattle pairing festival

october 12th through 16th

there’s absolutely this important part

there’s absolutely no evidence anywhere that

he had 12 disciples or 12 of anything for that matter

no mithras scholars

seem to know about it

he was not born to a virgin

but rather out of

solid rock so

i mean it’s it’s really

really interesting

people like

you know there’s not

there’s not

enough research of information people don’t really look

these things up

they they quote

a little bit

of something they saw on the internet and that’s

the problem is there’s no there’s no way you can have

access to everything there’s no way you can know

about everything it’s impossible

so there’s gonna be a lot of shit that you’re talking

about you form an opinion

on when you’re really just talking out of your ass

and that’s where

most people are when it comes to conspiracy theories

with everything with everything

people talk out of

their ass and

because people have

a huge vested interest in being correct

about things

you know people

hate being foolish they hate being the dumb one

they hate being uninformed

you know people love correcting people

they love like

your is you apostrophe

re as in you

are you know okay

you’re a fucking

awesome dude because you spotted that guy

meanwhile i do that all the time

that’s kind of

being an asshole

that’s kind of why i like the iphone how it always

fucks up my texting and

stuff like that

because then people are

starting to slowly less do it to me now because

everyone’s doing it right

conspiracy theory with jesse ventura i haven’t seen it

i haven’t even

brian didn’t like it it was alright

i don’t know

jesse ventura is one of those dudes that thinks

he’s a navy seal or he’s a former navy seal

that he has

inside information

i’m a former neighbor seal

that opi and anthony

things just really got to me on both sides yeah

yeah you were upset at jim norton you

think i was on both sides that got me

upset i thought they both handle it

it’s hard having a fucking intelligent conversation at

seven o’clock in the morning god damn

it you know whenever i do

those morning radio shows i’m always like

like what am i even talking

about i’m always half out of it

mumbling and shit

it’s hard to wake the fuck up it’s like

you have to drink coffee if you’re gonna do one of

those morning radio shows you really can’t go in sober

you gotta have a

a little bit of that and a cup of coffee

mothra or rodan

i was more of

a rodan fan i thought mothra was kind of a faggy

monster a big

stupid moth that’s a dumbass

yeah i mean why not have a giant roach people hate

roaches roaches are scary as fuck

why do you want to have a big stupid moth

you don’t the japanese had a bunch of

crazy ass monsters they still do they

still do those gods you know they still do

remember that turtle got

is that rodan rodan the turtle yeah yeah rodan’s turtle

well come on man a fucking turtle yeah

you know they still do the godzilla

movies with the people in the costume

i heard they still make them in japan

we have no confirmation see this is another another

thing we’re talking out of our ass

we don’t really have we’ve done no research you know

sick isn’t that what that means what

does sick what happens to the iceman now

you know i don’t know man i don’t know is

if i is this if i

type on this is this gonna go to my twitter

aha it’s gonna

tweet okay so how do i tell people to follow us on this

thing see you can add new chat you can add new chat

boxes oh you mean on twitter yeah i’m

gonna post this on twitter get people to follow us

when you post on here

it automatically makes the link

it does yeah see

see how everyone has this link your link underneath it

is that cool okay

what is this hey joe rogan net what is that

that’s just what

you don’t have to put hey joe rogan net okay

being erase all that okay yeah

that’s for other people so they don’t get nervous

when you put sick in like commas or

does that mean kind of or like approximate

later excuse me when people write sick s i c

oh spelling incorrect oh

it’s when someone uses poor grammar poor spelling

all this time i gotta admit something

how high am i right now one to ten four probably a four

yeah i’m not that high at all not very high

there’s two hundred thirty you

motherfuckers in here right now we’re rolling

strong bitches

two hundred thirty

merry christmas merry christmas to all of you

all right what else i have a fan of ji kun do

i’m a fan of bruce lee

i’m a fan of his idea his idea to add all the mar

i mean he was really the original mixed martial artist

when i started out as a kid

i did karate

and then i started doing taekwondo

and each one of those

disciplines karate and taekwondo

wanted you to think that

their style was the best

style the end all be all style karate

they didn’t want you training with taekwondo people

taekwondo people they didn’t want you

training with karate people

you know judo people didn’t want you

training with kung

fu people it

was like everybody was like really attached to

their style

so really bruce lee and she

could know that’s the original

mixed martial art

that’s the original guy to look at

all the different

systems and take what’s useful

from each one

bruce lee was a

he was a genius when it came to martial

arts way way way

ahead of his time

i like this because the questions are slower

yeah twitterism

yeah this is pretty cool

this is the

first time i’ve done this

like i said i’m

always threatening to do this but we’re doing it now

you motherfuckers

subverter talk more

about hunter s thompson

i love that feeling

where the truth just hits you

anders thompson was a fucking

genius he was

a he was one of the very few dudes that really captured

the the angst of the sixties and the

seventies the nixon era and

you know the the

he was a part of the acid culture of the sixties

he was a part of the

culture like the the san francisco hate

ashbury movement where it’s like

everybody was doing acid all

these people were like a good acid

so all these people were like really

coming together and they were really like releasing

their egos and their self

identity and kind of like

losing themselves in a

movement and then this this hippie movement of the 60s

which seems like really

stupid now we look at it and it’s like god look at

these idiots with

their long hair and

their stupid

clothes but

what they were doing was they were they were

radically departing from the previous culture

i mean the difference

between the 50s and the 60s is fucking gigantic

the difference between like

buddy holly and jimi hendrix

is like you

know i mean

that’s another

world i mean

that’s not like a 10 year

evolution that’s an

evolution that

would have taken hundreds or

maybe not even gotten there at all

it’s almost like

they needed the drugs

they needed acid and mushrooms and pot and peyote

they needed all that shit and heroin

to launch themselves

like from one

one frequency

to the next one and the 60s were a totally different

frequency when it came to

music when it came to

culture and

that set the stage

for what happened in the 70s and the 80s

and with the really crappy

music that came from the 80s and

some of it in the 70s but

definitely the 80s

what that is

is like this consciousness this incredible

music where

these people were

really like

tuning into the art of it

in the 60s like

more 60s music is like

classic fucking shit

you know that you hear

today and you go god

damn that’s a good song

it’s like they

really figured out how to tap into the real shit

know the real energy that makes

that that makes art

interesting that makes art

resonate and i

think they did it with drugs

and i think that

the the the decline

in the 70s and certainly in the 80s

was because this there was like a void left where

the this this this

tuning in this

connection to the real pure source was gone

you know it’s like whatever they had hit the whatever

frequency they had nailed in the sixties

the echoes of it had died down by the time the

eighties hit

you know i think

hunter s thompson had a fucking brilliant

story that he

wrote a brilliant like

piece that he wrote

the wave the talking about how the 60s it’s like

was like like a wave and that

when the 60s ended you could see where the wave

broke back like where

they thought that people

could be like where they saw the true potential

of humanity of the united states of

the human race in general

and you saw it just roll back and go back to

where it was

and that’s what

it was between the 60s and the 70s you know

and he nailed that shit better than anybody

hunter s thompson’s words today

still when you look at like

especially what was

going on with the bush administration and

it was just like the

clearest evidence ever

of massive amounts of corruption in government where

you know it’s

mean they got us into a war that made no fucking

sense i mean

and it was obvious like across the

board the internet

was you know up information was being

you know very easily

transferred back and forth and yet it

still managed to go through and

the way he felt

about the nixon administration

i mean you literally

could substitute nixon

for bush and then insert most of the shit that he said

into you know

the early 2000s

raw sound does it sound shitty

what do what do you think

about doing a radio show of my own i would love to do a

radio show the only problem is i don’t

think anybody wants to pay me to do a radio show

i might have to do a radio show like this because

right now i mean adam corolla has a

sweet setup where he does

podcasts and he gets a lot of people to listen to it

and that might be the way to go because

satellite radio is struggling financially and

you know some people make money from it like

you know obviously howard

stern makes a lot of money from it

and i think opie and anthony make good

money from it but

they don’t want to pay anybody else they’re not making

money so they don’t have the money to give out

so i think if i’m gonna do

any sort of

turn that out

does it work

is that any better is that louder anybody

if i’m gonna do any sort of a

podcast or something like that it’s

gonna be this it’s gonna be like this

and i saw soulja boy do it’s awesome

yeah remember that video soldier boy the guy in the

background with his gold necklace yeah yeah man

soulja boy is fascinating to me

if you don’t know soulja boy

he’s a rapper

a very young fellow who’s

wildly successful

made millions and millions of dogs

and he’s tattooed

his entire body in like the course of like a few months

like all the way up his neck and his face is

tattooed and

his sleeves and his

chest and everything

he just tattooed the fuck out of

himself like writing and shit like really bad artwork

really really interesting

i guess he likes it just went

crazy how many times a day do you

think he makes it rain

makes it rain

okay does it all day he’s a

small time multi

multi millionaire and he’s only like 19 years old

and when he became rich and

famous he was only like 17

it’s he’s an interesting

little study

right there

when kimbo says all day what does it mean all

day that’s what it means making it rain all day no it

doesn’t mean

when kimbo says all day

when kimbo says

all day it means he’s fucking dudes up all day this

is how we do

all day when

he holds up them dukes

i got some pretty fucking

sweet kimbo

slice t shirts

that i just got for my buddies a tap out

really yeah they’re upstairs though

um thanks show me your drawing

my drawings um

i can actually put

those online

it’s pretty bad

to put those

he just found

his old drawings from when he was younger

and they are amazing

it’s some shit that i

i made when i was a little kid when i was

well not a little kid i was like eighteen

say to a pic

oh i can choose a picture from here yeah

yeah i’ll put it up i’ll put it up in my twitter word

that’s pretty blown away

he’s really good at drawing and he has

these two drawings he did are just

amazing i mean

i thought i was good back in the day but he

blows me out of the

water back in the day because i

never used a technical pin that’s probably

technical pens are awesome yeah

that seems pretty yeah you

would love it

when i i first

started out

when i was a kid i was really into

comic books i wanted to be a

comic book artist

big bad wolf

oh cool you already scanned it yeah scanned it

upload a tweet photo it’s uploading

when i was uh

this might fuck everything up my game in service

it’s so slow

yeah look how slow this is because this is a big ass

picture it’s like three megs

to makes a second charter yeah i got i got a switch

you tweet stuff to you or use the chat

tweet stuff to me man don’t tell me people chat yeah

too many people chats that shit ain’t

that shit ain’t gonna work

tracy lee just sent me a text message

you guys know tracy lee from

dana was in the chat you missed it

oh dana was in the chat how’s dana

i don’t know that’s not a real dana

she thinks it’s a real dana

why do you think it’s a real dana

how dare you be dumb

how dare you to the internet can you my cheeseburger

you know what

can i ask cheeseburger

got no fucking time to be in my goddamn chat

say you’re obama this is i’m in the chat all

right tracy i got you right here tracy

i’m in the chat too the chat

and that wasn’t dana you dumb bitch

is tracy lee

she’s the combat lifestyle photographer yeah

this is the best

phone of all time the iphone ladies and gentlemen

you really can’t fuck with it

we’ve tried

every other phone

i’m i’m a technical fucking geek i’m a nerd i love

phones but there’s no phone

that can fuck with the iphone there’s no

network that can fuck with verizon

though and that’s the real goddamn problem

so i don’t use the iphone as my main phone

i mostly use the iphone these days as like an internet

device i use it as like a little

tin a mini laptop and shit

but from my phone

i use one of these blackberry storm 2s

which as a phone is not nearly as good it’s kind of

funky the typing on it’s not bad the

storm 2 is definitely better than the storm one

but man fucking

the network is a hundred times better

the verizon network

when i had at amp t like when i

would drive to jiu jitsu at night i drive the same way

and i gotta go through hollywood

and my shit would drop out

three times on the way to hollywood

three fucking times in 25 30 miles whatever it is

three times the shit would drop out with verizon

straight through

never drops out doesn’t drop out anywhere

i get better reception inside

buildings it’s just like better it’s just better

reception period

and it’s not like a little bit better it’s like

several times better

you know it’s like

the amount of drop offs that i get with verizon are so

tiny in comparison to the at amp

t ones att just

they just got

fucked by that iphone that iphone just overloaded

their network overload the shit out of it

and the the

things just they just

dropped you

know what though

something that at amp

t has been pushing lately but i and i agree

is not being able to use your data network

while you’re on the phone

verizon you can’t

when you’re on the

phone you can’t

check your email get new

email or go on twitter and get new twitters

while you’re on the phone

you can’t use your data and your

phone together at the same time

did you know that

no i didn’t know that that’s huge

that’s that’s bigger than

a drop call once in a

while i think

yeah that is bigger

you’d have no idea what i’m talking

no data and not be able to use data

yeah because

what if you’re on the

phone you can’t get you can’t get

emails up while you’re on the

phone gay that’s

and verizon can’t fix that with

their current network

yeah that’s gay

that’s why they had that thing

where they show that you can get on the

phone and go

on the apps look

but that sucks

it does suck but i’ll take being able to use the

phone over that

i like using the

phone i like

what i’m driving

i get my business done

you know i’m saying i

drive i have

to get shit done and i have to talk to people and

sometimes i

have conference call sometimes i do interviews

while i’m driving my car

you know but you know like you

will call me up and you’ll say something like what’s

that how do you do this or something like come on

i can’t go my

you can’t do anything that’s weak yeah

it is weak but i’ll take it i’ll take that

and have a signal i’ll take

not being able to do both at the same time and have a

strong signal

right i’ll take that

and that’s because the cdma

can’t handle two

streams at the same time

right what it

is verizon actually uses

older technology

atd actually has a newer

technology which is

verizon’s kind of

in trouble they have

slower network it’s

can’t handle

those two things at once

yeah but it

still works better

i still take it right 4g

isn’t out yet here somebody

wrote soulja boy is a fucking douche

listen do you think you

would be any better if you were 19 years old and you

would be worth it’s worth like

millions of

dollars he is a douche on the internet though

where he’s showing his money and

stuff he’s a nineteen year old kid that’s

worth millions of dollars yeah like

literally oh yeah you can

we would both be i

would be retarded

if i was that

rich when i was nineteen

cause the jonas

brothers are

hypnotized by walt disney yes

they drank the disney kool aid yeah

they don’t even get pussy

what’s the point being rich and

famous if you’re not even getting laid

right it’s ridiculous

we got rock stars don’t fuck

they fuck they fuck now when they get when

they get married

miss tracy leasing here she says the

sound is fine

everybody that’s in that

that chat get the fuck out

of there because i’m not paying attention to that shit

tweet it tweet it you

dirty bitches

how come the

tweet is an updating

you’re getting too many tweets per

hour really probably probably have to

go because this thing’s open you see it’s

two programs

are taking your apis okay all right i’m gonna shut

shut this one off i would shut that one

all right i’m shutting tweet deck off by tweet deck

all right let’s i’m just trying to optimize

here because like

i told you guys i got a terrible internet connection

but i’m not

getting my goddamn twitters so let me update this

bitch right here yeah

oh here we go

all right you know what

once you get your updated internet

we’ll get you

an hd camera too

the pope got laid out by a crazy woman

i didn’t i think it was a pope i think it was some

some some chick crazy chick try to attack the pope

but some other dude

who is in government got hit in the face with a

statue in italy

what is this they put an ad in

front of us they put advertising

what the fuck

the newest thing they put some

what are we advertising

this is because i was talking about

soulja boy is that really soulja boy no soulja

boy’s home used to just chilling haha

shit look at all my money

look at all my new sneakers even the bottom of my

sneakers is clean that’s bullshit

oh shit they’re advertising please everybody

click close on that advertisement

fucking and it don’t goddamn heat and show where the

close the close button is it’s raised the upper lower

upper left corner right

if you see that that’s right

yeah let’s close that

close that shit

fucking advertise

that’s one bad

thing about you string

because i don’t remember justin tv having that do they

justin tv is

about to get in

trouble with

justin tv’s getting in

trouble or something they were mentioned in that ufc

yeah they’re in

trouble well

it’s obvious

if you have a thousand like

justin tv supposedly working

with the people that are owning the copyright material

it wouldn’t it be easy if you

notice that one of your chat rooms went from zero to

2 000 in like a

second you know

delete delete wow

like i said you can’t fight the internet

people are gonna figure out a way to put

things online they’re just

gonna i thought

that was the real problem was that people were

taking a copy of it

after the event and then

uploading its horns

but that’s not what the problem is problem is streaming

promise if you have any

streaming you’re

gonna have pirate is

dreaming yeah

we can’t stop that

i’m thinking you stop it

maybe can maybe can stop it by cutting back on

those sites

would probably stop it substantially but that’s gonna

kill those sites you know it’s

gonna kill you

streams gonna kill justin tv is

gonna kill the sites like this

where you can just

stream anything

you motherfuckers

wow 364 people this is like a pack comedy club

ladies and gentlemen

it’s nuts all

right let’s take some questions here you

dirty bitches

wow there’s a lot of goddamn good

what of this marijuana

and it increasing

brain cells

you know i don’t know if it increases

brain cells there’s been some

research to suggest that and it suggests that it also

slows down the progression of alzheimer’s

i don’t know

it does it does

a lot of good for you though that’s what people need to

understand there’s a lot of drugs

that are terrible for you marijuana is not one of them

marijuana does a lot of good

things for you

it calms you down it

relaxes you it makes you take things

i just got a text from

bruce buffer powerful

it makes you

makes you consider other options it makes you consider

other possibilities it makes you

think about yourself more it makes you think about

whether or not you’re being a douchebag

you know whether or not you’re

behaving the right way marijuana is good for you

does it give you extra brain cells i don’t know

i was gonna

write the copy of

the cover of my

shiny happy jihad the first

name for that cd was

gonna be weed made me smarter i was gonna call it that

but i decided that was kind of like

that sentence doesn’t sound smart though

we’d made me smarter yeah it’s not supposed to be

i got a correct sense supposed to be funny

right silly

i think that i’m

gonna do a book though called weed made me smarter

i think that’s the name of the book

you know because that’s like a good name for a book

you know that’s like a such a

grabs you yeah that’s something that

would grab you you’d want to check it out

did i hear about rick simpson oil yeah it’s like hemp

that cures cancer or some shit

she melted haha dan quinn play

what video games are my favorite of all time quake

i had i used to have a huge problem that’s why i got a

t one line installed in my house

i should play

quake every day

eight hours a day did you watch that

video i posted where they go to the airport and just

start spraying people and

what game is that

call of duty

the new one

the new one yeah i’ve never played call

of duty i don’t want to get addicted man i got problems

i get addicted to

everything i get addicted to pool

i used to play pool

eight hours a day

more even sometimes

i used to get addicted to

video games that’s why i’m scared of golf i’ve

never played golf i’m terrified of that shit

cause i know dudes play golf

they can’t they sit around all day and practice fake

swinging it’s

they get addicted

you know and i get very badly addicted to games

so i try to

leave my addictions to

things that benefit me now

so like pool i like pool

but i don’t play as

much as i used to i just fuck around with it but like

jiu jitsu and

stand up comedy

i try to be more

i try to be addicted to

things that are

beneficial to me

instead of things that are just

gonna like eat up all my day

which is what pool used to be

for me and what

video games

used to be for me i used to have real fucking problems

thank you i’m glad you enjoyed the drawing

i twittered a drawing that i made when i was i

think i was like 18 or 19 years old

i used to want to be a comic book artist red dragons

indeed red dragons

have you seen the new preview for the new karate kid

movie no i have not it’s

black karate kid they’re redoing the karate

kid but the kids

black and i think it’s will smith’s kid yeah it’s will

smith’s kid

that’s awesome

karate is making a comeback man leona machida

yeah don’t fuck with the karate kid man

marijuana would bring

california out of bankruptcy

do you really think so

don’t fuck with the karate

kid you say that like the karate

kid was like some awesome movie dude it’s a

childhood memory

they fucked up gi joe they fucked up


was gi joe yes and it was the

worst movie ever no but in a main before that movie

what was it before

it was a cartoon

series cartoons

right they didn’t really fuck

it up though they just made a bad move it was horrible

no it was awful

how fast could bj penn beat aoki

man i don’t know if there’s anybody at

155 they can fuck with bj penn now

now that bj’s taking everything like

super serious and training like a dedicated athlete

he’s a destroyer

at 155 there’s nobody that’s even

close to him

i mean no one’s even in his frequency

he’s in the matrix right now

you know there’s certain dudes that get to a certain

point with confidence with

experience with

skill technique and then you add discipline

and conditioning to that

they get to this

crazy place that very few people can reach this

crazy high air

and that’s where bj penn’s at right now right

anderson silva 2 he’s another one

he’s just in this air

that nobody can fuck with that that’s what’s good

about the ultimate

fighter though

cause it’s kind of bringing new people in it

yeah unknown people you know yeah

but you know there’s such a gigantic gap between

these guys that have fought in these

small organizations

and the guys at the top of the food chain

and you see like with phaidor

million inko like it takes so many

years for a guy to become like the phaidor of today

and anderson

silva is a perfect example that like anderson

silva when he’s

fighting in pride

i mean he got submitted by rio chona

takasi got him in a

mounted triangle this dude dudes were

beating him dudes are submitting him

you know i mean he knocked out

carlos dune but he just didn’t look like the anderson

silva of today

and he had to have

those fights he had to have those losses he had to

get better he had to rise

he had to really get his shit together really

focus on his jiu jitsu

and really become

black belts on the ground so he had this full package

so that he was totally confident and thrown his

strikes because he didn’t

worry at all about being on the ground

and that’s the anderson

sylvia we have now this like

fully complete

fighter but

we had to see him evolve it took a long time for him

to become the guy that he is today

that’s what you

know it takes a long time to make like a full complete

mixed martial artist

and these guys

today i mean

the competition is staggering there’s so many

fighters now

i mean there’s so many different organizations so many

fighters and so many guys are good

it’s so hard to advance and

to make it to the very top of the food

chain in today’s

mixed martial arts world

i mean it’s so much fucking competitions

it’s amazing i mean when i first

started doing the

ufc i first

started working for them in 1997

and it was tiny

i we did the

first show in dothan alabama

there was nobody there

i mean it was like a

thousand people or something like that and it’s because

the tickets were really cheap

and because people came to see a fucking

freak show there

was nobody there that knew when someone was passing the

guard and nobody passed the

guard back then either

you know nobody knew what the fuck was

going on nobody knew

know that leg kicks were you know

really bad for you they’d fuck your legs up people

would see a guy

kicking somebody in the legs like why is he doing that

you know like

back then you were allowed to

punch people

in the balls you know you’re allowed to pull hair

you’re allowed to pull on

clothes crazy the

early days to what it is now

it’s really fucking amazing

your face is amazing your fucking face is amazing

don frye retired from mma

don frye is a fucking real man that belongs in a

movie they should make a movie at a don frye

this fucking mustache alone is epic

don fry is a real man

ladies and gentlemen a real

goddamn man

372 viewers i pay you this shit’s fine

they’re saying the

sounds good but i think this

sounds better when we’ve got close

just i think this needs to

point towards your face oh

really have it towards your fucking face your face is

pointing towards your face

where to float com

is that our website where to float com

if you google

where to float

i know you can if you want to know

about floatation tanks these are

what this guy’s asking

about is a thing

called a sensory deprivation tank and what that is is

there’s a tank filled with

water if you

haven’t heard

about this before

you could google it and there’s this

videos of that we made that you

could find online that

brian made if you see any of my

videos from my website

and you go wow

those are fucking really cool creative

this guy makes up

that’s brian raikel he’s a fucking

video genius bitches recognized

and we made a really cool one

up that explains the isolation tank but what it is is

a tank of water that has

800 pounds of salt in it and the

water is heated

to the same temperature of your skin and

and the salt makes you very

buoyant so you lie in the

water and you

float and the fact that the

water is heated to the same temperature as your skin

you don’t feel it

so you’re floating in this

water you don’t

really feel the

water anymore because the

water in the air and

everything it all feels like one

thing it feels like you’re weightless

and you’re flying through space

and when you

close the door on this

thing you’re in

total darkness you’re in

total silence your ears are

underwater you don’t hear anything

and in the absence of any sensory

input you don’t hear anything

you don’t feel anything

you don’t see anything and the absence of all that

your mind has no distractions and your

brain becomes

supercharged and you

start having

vivid hallucinations and you start

like it’s really like a


experience you really start

you start like really like

researching like

your thoughts and getting to the

heart of who you are

separate from culture

separate from language separate from

your experiences

you get down to who you are

and then when you get to that

once you get past that is when the hallucinations start

because you

kinda cease to

exist as you define

yourself as who you are by your job the car you

drive the house

you live in the family you have the friends you keep

you define yourself by all

these different

things but when you’re in that tank all

those things are gone

there’s no outside world

there’s just

the mind it’s the mind untethered from the body

and when you’re in that state

you you kind of transverse

you kind of travel

between this consciousness and this reality

to another one you you

travel outside of this

world and and you

travel to this the

world of the deep

inner thoughts

you know the deep inner

connection between whatever the fuck this life is

you know the

connection between your consciousness

and the universe and it gets pretty fucking crazy

i have one of

those bitches in my basement i do it all the time

is it like a really

great power nap no it’s not like a really

great power nap it’s like a really

great mushroom trip

but the best thing

about it is you could end it at any

second anytime

you want to end it you just open up the door and your

stone colds over

so you can be in this deep

trance where you’re

i’ve had really

vivid vivid

hallucinations in there

where i felt like i was

like i traveled down to the very atomic

structure of

human beings

and gotten through the lowest

point and at that lowest point

as you get lower and

lower and deeper and deeper

it became like another universe

and the idea

in my head was that

all of this life that we see

you know subatomic particles to atoms to all these

like this progression

of things getting bigger and bigger and bigger

to humans to

countries to continents to planets to planets to

galaxies to galaxies

to you know

to universes and then all

this idea that

things just keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger

well it works infinitely in both directions and

it was like i was

taken on a trip through

the whole experience from subatomic

to atomic to planets to flying through space to

space being

subatomic to

you know this new atom

that exists

and it’s a part of new organisms that

exist that a part of a new ecosystem that

exists that’s a part of a new planet

that’s a part of a new galaxy that’s part of a new

universe and

it goes on and on and on and i went through this

whole thing like over and over again

like multiple times and it was really fucking crazy

it was very very vivid and very realistic

and very life

changing the

whole thing is like

doing it a lot

you got to do the isolation tank a lot and you got to

learn to relax

and you gotta

learn to give in to the

experience because so many times when you’re in there

you’re thinking

about things and you’re

worrying about

things and you think

about your bills and your bullshit and you know i’m

gonna lose weight and

i gotta do this and

all those thoughts

distract you

it’s like the

state of mind that you can achieve in this isolation

tank it’s very similar to the

state of mind

that you can achieve

from you know

when monks go through

decades and decades of intense

meditation like

they achieve the same type of

state of mind

but you’re achieving it like with no discipline

so it’s hard to manage sometimes

but if you can

learn to manage it and if you

learn to go in with the correct

thought process and

to approach it the

right way and maybe

meditate before

you go in and calm yourself and put yourself in a good

state of mind

and know how to

navigate the

waters of these


then you can get to the

crazy part the

crazy part is hard to get to but it’s there

we should ask them which

sounds better and

switch between the three

okay okay what

sounds better

when there’s

three settings to this microphone

this is what

sounds better this is setting one ready

hi my name is joe rogan okay

this is setting

two this is setting two

hi my name is joe rogan is this better does this

sound better to you or

setting three

hi my name is joe rogan does this sound better to you

which sound

which one sounds better ladies and gentlemen please

tweet now you’re gonna

annoy the fuck out of people

people that have like they get your phone messages

like sometimes i’ll tweet like

like i’ll get

baked and i watch the steven seagal show and i’ll

tweet way too much

and i get a lot of angry tweets from people

it’s annoying it’s annoying if you only fall like

below 100 people or something that’s why i

start following more and make it more just like a

chat room on us

yeah i have thousands of people

following now i just hate when people replied like

every single person that’s ever written them ever

wrote them ever you know yeah

that’s a problem

i’m gonna sign into twitter right now

see if it’s the same one sounds best

three you dick three you dick i’m a dick

one and three are close two sucks

hmm one and three are close

let’s do three is louder but one seems better quality

so it seems one three

then two okay seems like one is the one one one one

three someone yelled out one one one for sure one

most people are saying it’s been time between one three

so let’s go with one

all right we all at one

fuck you and your threes whoa

strong words

very strong words

how’s your melrose

new year’s oh yeah

i’m gonna be at the melrose improv

if anybody’s in la

the improv on melrose

i’m gonna be there on new year’s eve

two shows i think it’s

eight and ten are you

sure it’s two shows

for sure cause i

heard one show

and then just on improv’s website they have it like an

early time that you can go to eat dinner

really and it looks like a

second show

but it’s not really two shows

oh that’s a problem because

that is gonna

sell out quick

yeah and in

vegas the following day at the

house of blues yes

the following day

january 1st

house of blues

vegas vegas

bitches and then

after that washington dc january i

think 7th or something like that

i know yeah is that

what’s after

i don’t know

upcoming shows

this fucking thing sucks

the improvs website is dog shit

joe rogan dinner 10 pm

and nintendo one

joe rogan show

huh so you did it’s just saying that

you says it says there’s only one show

yeah i think there is only one show

i only have it on your website is one show ten pm

who is gonna be a disaster yeah oh it’s gonna be okay

crazy yeah if you

wanna go to the improv you gotta go now it looks like

so that is this all try to buy a ticket right now

oh wait try to buy a ticket right there

oh there’s still tickets

okay you can still buy tickets but

get them quick because that bitch is gonna sell out

maybe we’ll add at 8 o’clock show

i don’t want anybody to get shut out

and sometimes eight o’clock is the move

you go there

have a show

have a good time get your freak on

have a couple laughs

and then go hide

when it comes to midnight so you don’t get

bullets dropping on your fucking head

mother douchebags out

here like the fire guns in the air and get crazy well

i can handle it and they

drink and drive and

it’s very dangerous i got some hilarious

video of last new year’s there of

these old ladies dancing and

stuff oh yeah that’s

right video i wish we had that

right now we

could stream it we

could stream it

right yeah i’m

gonna upgrade this internet

weak ass internet i got here

cause then once i’ll

bring my laptop

and then i’ll

start to be able to just send you

videos and stuff like that

then we’re gonna set it up like a goddamn fucking tv

studio in here bitches

358 viewers

i’m losing viewers i must be boring fuck

answer some questions here

at a late show in vegas

i don’t think so man late shows in

vegas are a nightmare

house of blues pretty big already yeah the

house of blues is a good size anyway

i won’t the one

thing that i won’t do anymore is that

i used to do the

house of blues and i had

most of the

people were seated but then there was always

standing room in the back

the problem is that

standing room by the bar just becomes a bar people just

start talking and it becomes a fucking nightmare

so no more shows

i’m not doing any more shows ever anywhere

where people have to

stand out while they’re

watching the show

and the reason being is

because i want to see doug stanhope when he was in la

and we went to see him and we’re

standing in the back of the room

because he did a

standing room only show

and it’s like

after like an hour like your fucking back hurts your

neck starts bothering you and your

it’s not comfortable to

stand up and

watch a show

i always figured because i’m on stage

standing for an hour like it’s no big deal

you know you

stand for an hour and a half and

talk on stage and it

doesn’t feel it’s not a problem

but standing

still watching someone

is a big difference is

the worst it’s terrible

do you even remember like the last half of that show

because i was

focused on my feet the

whole time yeah

it’s a terrible feeling

and what’s weird is

i talked to somebody in texas

they walked out of the show because they couldn’t

cause it was

standing room only at

doug’s show

and they just walked out they’re like we couldn’t take

it anymore yeah

i hate it so i’m not doing it anymore and

i’m having problems with this

because i had a show booked in march

at the fillmore

the fillmore in new york city

and they said that the

whole balcony had to be

standing i’m like fuck that man

give me less

money let’s see

what we can and

but they were like you know we can make more

money if people

stand i was like are you done

and so i canceled that gig and then the same

thing happened in houston i was supposed to do the

house of blues

and the same

thing they were

like well you know we can’t we need to have people

standing in the back and

i had it booked

i don’t know

my agents are not communicating

this to the people or they’re not paying attention

it’s going through too many people

before it gets to the person that makes a decision but

they didn’t want they wanted to have people

stand and i said fuck that so

now i’m gonna have to find a new gig

in new york and a new gig in houston and i’m probably

gonna wind up doing the improv

in houston i don’t know

thinking about that

and some maybe one of the clubs in

new york city

you go to joe’s twitter

website that has his calendar on it

you just gained four people

those people like talking about

standing yes

got more remember

do you remember

standing would like wait for a roller coaster to

stand like three

hours for a roller coaster

last a minute

yeah fucking terrible man yeah

run it like tom

green yeah tom

green’s got an awesome setup

i went to tom

green’s house

where i filmed

his talk show there

and he’s got a fucking

crazy setup man like

giant servers and

he’s got wires big you know

wires all throughout his living room

cause like he’s doing it

like serious

hardcore style and he’s doing it

or at least back then he was doing it he’s

still doing it isn’t he or is he

is he straight pay

per view now though he can’t

watch it for free at all now anymore

right i think

i think let’s go to tom

green live and see that is that the case

ladies and gentlemen

if it is i think that’s a fucking mistake

i think it is too

that’s a mistake

maybe maybe it’s the archives you have to be a

member to watch

that makes sense

maybe we’ll sit we’re going to the channel

he calls it the channel

i don’t know what that’s all about

ready to receive stream wow

oh he’s doing stand up comedy

never said isn’t that crazy questions about

membership and subscription service okay click here


click here okay

welcome to questions about support site hmm

membership full access to award winning

collection video that’s what it is

behind the scenes

can i cancel it anytime yes how much is it

5 95 a month not bad good price

good price i wonder if he’s making

money doing that 4 95 would have been better

4 95 how about just five

bucks yeah what’s with this fucking five shit

four ninety five that’s stupid man that drives me crazy

make us say something

five ninety nine just tell me it’s six dollars you fuck

so do you open your presents on yeah

tonight we’re gonna open presents

why do you do that something you grew up doing or

i’m impulsive

i don’t know wait

why should i wait i’m grown up you do it at midnight no

do it in an hour or something

i better get some good shit too

you know what sucks is that my parents

sent me money

and then i took that money

to buy them presents and i actually

spent more than that they sent me

if i would have waited

and sent them presents

first and then they got me

money i would have felt like i got

something but i felt like i just bought them presents

it’s all about time

timing you know

they sent you

money to buy them

things right

your personal shopper

but if i would have sent them something

first and then got money i

would have felt like oh i’ve got some cash right

that’s funny


all right thanks for

spending christmas

eve with us you’re welcome molly watt

i’m gonna say people’s names when i

when i read your question

so you feel like i’m talking to you because i am

were you pissed when you

found out there was no

santa or did you find out i

found out there was no

santa because i

stumbled into my parents

rapping shit

oh really and i was like

and then i we opened it the next day i like

what the fuck

like i hid and i saw them

right and then i just put two and two together

my friend has this

video of her

daughter last year and

and her daughter was like i saw

santa claus last

night he had a beard

and he had a big stomach

and had the belt

and the moms like oh really really

can you imagine fucking lying

i know imagine

watching that

i would have to correct the kid i was like listen

don’t lie stop you

would have said that yeah

you can’t see

santa’s invisible

no you can’t lie to me

i mean she’s like she was like

four three she’s a liar

so fucking do you

wanna see the video i

think it’s very important to call kids on being i was a

liar when i was a little kid this is what i’m saying is

i had a very vivid imagination

and not such a good life so it always make up stories

and i wish somebody called me on my bullshit then

so it wouldn’t have

taken so long for

me to figure out on my own that people knew i was lying

right i didn’t figured out i was like 10 you

would think pinocchio

would have worked now

you know when you’re a kid

watching pinocchio i don’t want a nose

big nose yeah he’s made of

wood wooden people can’t fucking talk man that’s stupid

why did they make him out of

someone says

upstate says i

steal your jokes and i use them as my facebook messages

i hope i hope it gets you laid

does it get you laid

if it gets you laid i approve

i give you thumbs up sir

show us your breasts how dare you d laroche

how dare you man

stop to keep all

these twitters you fucking

freak that’s good with its twitters

it’s good though it’s coming in now

will ufc ever have a

135 division i think the

ufc in the wec

the idea is eventually

that it’s gonna be one

thing when i don’t know

but i think it

should be cause i

think guys like

jose aldo and uriah

faber and mike brown

and miguel torres

those guys are

fucking awesome they deserve all the attention that the

ufc gets they deserve people to

know to be clamoring for

super fights and to see

big pay per

view you know

bouts and you know mad at in

madison square garden and fucking you know

the the mgm

grand they they

those guys deserve to be a

those kind of shows i mean the

level of talent

in the wc right now is

staggering and

135 145 pound division mean

these guys are fucking animals man

and even 155 they have some awesome

fighters i think

it would be

beneficial to everybody if it was all the

ufc was all one thing

now especially

since they own the wec

i think it would help everybody if they

could make that happen if it’s possible

rigorous sac says use that little kid liar in the act

i don’t know if that’s really funny sir

i think that’s

funny right now

because we’re talking

about right now but i don’t know if you

could recreate it’s not funny enough

to recreate that

and say it on

stage might be

might be when you talking about move

if my daughter gets to the age where

my have you wrote any new conspiracy theory

kind of comedy lately because i

remember used to be really big into writing like noah’s

ark yeah here

my conspiracies

of mystery mystery

yeah i’ve been writing a lot of that shit lately

my favorite

favorite my favorite

yeah i’m writing more of that shit

it’s like comedy

my comedy comes in big waves of creativity

waves of inspiration is clayguid

okay yeah he’s okay

yeah he got cut up

kenny flooring

cut him up with some elbows

web beastie

some of the questions here

what’s my take

short fuse on

jesse ventura’s new show we already talked

about that earlier but

i think people look for

conspiracy there’s a lot of conspiracies that are real

but there’s a lot of

shit that people are just looking for conspiracies yeah

let’s say

a lot of questions about that jesse ventura

show you know why because i um

i believe a lot of weird shit so people always

come to me when it comes to conspiracy theories

but like we were talking about earlier like

google operation northwoods

google operation midnight climax

those are those are some conspiracies are fucking real

real and proven

man i can’t keep up with

these twitters google christopher columbus

what did christopher columbus do did not since america

that’s true he landed like the bahamas

right yeah yeah and but yet we are celebrate that dude

fucking crazy

when am i come to atlanta i don’t know

i think of the

laughs offer i got from the

comic club wasn’t good so i

might come to atlanta do like a theater or something

i like comedy clubs

i like the idea behind them i like supporting these

local clubs you know that they’re keep

local comedians

and business and stuff

but sometimes

sometimes they don’t give you the best deal

is brock going to live yes i believe brock

lesnar is going to live

you going back to columbus ohio

i’m going back to columbus ohio

we’re trying to go back in march but

it didn’t work out

i’m gonna get it

when i get my tattoos done i got them a few years ago

i’m gonna do my right arm soon are you really yeah

i’m gonna do

aaron delvadova the guy who did this arm

is he gonna do that

do the new one yeah it’s a

what do you think it’s gonna be badass i’m gonna do

samurai vs a tiger one of those

classic samurai vs a tiger japanese style tattoos

should make the background be a circuit board now

a circuit board hmm

maybe i think about adding something weird to it

we’re still talking about right now

he hasn’t drawn anything yet

damn is a lot of fucking questions

damn you’re only five minutes deep

370 players motherfucker

one of my coming to indianapolis

i don’t know never been

is it good no don’t lie to me no i’ve been there

i went to pittsburgh once

and it smells like suicide then like

indiana is not bad it’s so boring i like to come to

places where it sucks and give people a good time but

let’s go to columbus make em drive

not too many comedy clubs in atlanta

anymore they’ve got a couple they’ve got a lot of good

comics that come out of atlanta

just punchline atlanta a lot of good

comics come out there’s a

new one there’s a new comedy club i just

heard the other day that’s really good in atlanta

yeah damn i lost

three people

i was up to 370

i hate elena

i’m not getting any good questions here bitches

these questions are terrible

killer whales we already talked about killer whales

you know the problem is a lot of

these people are coming

at the end of this

and we’ve been broadcasting for how long now is it

still recording i think so

how long wow that’s cool recording for

we’ve been doing it for an hour and 40 minutes

that’s cool it records all of it though i know

did you could also get a premium channel

in 40 minutes you know what that means

i think you can get a premium channel on you stream

they add stuff

time to refuel

when am i in chicago i do not have a gig in chicago

dino jitsu i don’t have anything

lined up but i’ll be back there again

when my plan to come back to

edmonton alberto i was just there a couple

months ago and the problem is i

gotta i gotta have new material for you guys

and i like to come

no more than once a year

so that i have enough time to

write a bunch of new shit

so i don’t want you seeing the same act

every time i come

i want to have a

bunch new shit this is the worst feeling in the

world when you’re

performing for people and you know they’re like oh i’ve

heard this before

you want them to like some bits it’s cool like if you

wanna hear some bits you know that you like

classics and you

wanna hear them live

i totally understand that but i know

you wanna see mostly new shit so i come to

places i try to come no more than once a year and

ideally i like to come

every year and a half i like to make sure that you got

plenty of new shit

we need to rewrite the

first cd haha

brian thinks i need to put my

first cd on dvd

rewrite it and redo it

rewrite all the jokes

and like master

every single jokes

i think it’s better to just

leave it alone and just come up with new shit

anything in philly i’ll be back at philly

again too i love that

place helium is the shit that

place is awesome

but if you go to joe rogan

net my website

there’s my whole

schedule up and it’ll tell you exactly

where i’m gonna be


tennessee has a

great comic club

how dare you just fucking lie to me like that

how dare you dude

trying to get tennessee’s cool chattanooga tennessee

i was just in memphis we had a good time in memphis

memphis was fun you know what

i know west virginia i hate west virginia

virginia is awesome if you’ve been to virginia

you don’t like west virginia west virginia

sucks but virginia is kind of cool

pittsburgh smells like crud

by the funny bird

right there we’re not all poo hmm okay

did you know that there’s a show called campus pd

and it’s cops

only on college campuses

that’s hilarious and it’s just girls puking getting

naked just bar

fights when’s this show on it’s on g4

it’s like on

every day i think

and it’s called

campus i think

campus pd and it’s just cops on campus that doesn’t

seem like it should be fair

you shouldn’t if you’re a kid

first of all if you’re in college

you’re gonna wanna be on that stupid show

because you’re dumb and you’re gonna wanna be on tv

and it’s not fair for them to exploit

you like that exploit your vulnerability they have

this this incredible access they can put you on fucking

television like the jersey shore

there for sure

those guys get here’s the question

some of the people in the show

are blurred

out and regular cops and the show

but most of the time they’re not blurred

cause if they’re

not blurred it means they signed a release

yeah but did

they get what did they get did they get off

did they get anything

like charges off like what

is the deal that’s a good question you know do they get

500 credit towards bail

well how bad are

their crimes

maybe the it’s

from like attempted murder all the way i mean

you watch cops

oh cops yeah i

think a lot of

those guys that do it for money

it’s money 50

bucks or 100 bucks 50

bucks sign this

a lot of them are probably so fucking dumb

you know they just sign it they just want to be on tv

man for real

i wish i would

do what you

think gonna

watch the steven seagal

show steven

seagal is got

these guys fucking arrested he’s

they pull them out of there fucking

throwing this guy down the ground

you know the guy said he had a gun and you

got pulled over in his car and he told him he had a gun

and there they grab on the yank

mouth you reach

under your car you said you

a gun oh man i’m just

i’m just trying to park the car

you know that

is that steven

seagal because

that’s steven seagal

yo man i just

need to shake your

brother they got this guy handcuffed

i mean this guy is

going to jail

he’s got a fucking gun in his car illegally

they pull him over and all he wants to do is

shakes i’m asking

he’s not any

any fucking brilliant

it’s brilliant

nothing more brilliant in the way talks to

black people though he goes into the

black boys what up cuz

what’s going on much love much love

yeah yeah he talks black

it’s awesome

it’s awesome do you

think cheaters is real or fake

cheaters is fake

you think all of it or just

some of them some of it whatever they need to do yeah

some of it’s real some of it got

stabbed yeah and he got

stabbed that shit was real that guy fucking

stabbed him

i was watching an episode last

night in this

boyfriend attack the

other boyfriend

hasn’t been headlocked he’s gone

i’m like wait

he’s just doing this

he’s not going

like you would be just

punching his head

right you wouldn’t just be going like

a lot of it is staged

they give him some

money you know jersey

shore needs to die

rob fitz i haven’t seen it

i disagree rob fits 07 why is it need to die

i haven’t seen there they’re

definitely getting exploited but you know what

fuck them fuck them exploit it

exploit the shit out of them

let me see it let me see the

whole thing

i grew up with people like that

guidos don’t just exist

in new jersey

i grew up with guidos in boston

i know a lot of them from east boston

especially i know a lot of guidos revere

i used to teach taekwondo at a

place called nautilus plus and revere

revere massachusetts is the guido capital of the world

it was all i rocks and big hair

it was like

some of my earliest jokes when i

started out doing comedy were all

about revere

it’s all about what

i would have

grown up in that

shit man the good

thing is you

appreciate nice

relaxed cool people

after you’ve been in your environment like that you

appreciate people that are on you know

a different frequency

instead of this it’s always everybody trying to

get pumped up you know i’m trying to get fucking swole

you know everybody’s trying to wear the right

clothes and wear fucking cologne

bitches like the smell

like i knew so many guys like that

when i watch jersey

shore it’s almost a little too painful to me

like i knew too many dudes like that

rob fits oh i can’t keep going to you buddy

bad bobby hey bad bobby

he says i’ve been smoking weed and

watching jersey shore all day laughing

folks you should follow bad bobby he’s a very funny guy

he’s got the real bad bobby

you don’t think so no cause there’s two anons

and i know one’s real and i know one’s not

yeah the spelling is a little too good right

might be a fake bad bobby

yeah bad bobby is an internet

legend and i think some people

might wanna fake

being bad bobby bad bobby’s a real dude

he owns a strip club

he was a it’s a very interesting character he was a

stock broker made a

ton of money

and then retired to open up a

strip club in vancouver

and just just

bangs chicks all the day

just because

he’s just a bad

motherfucker he just eats

steaks shoots

human grows always

telling people

to get him coffee

just drink so much

get me coffee

he’s a he’s a

funny dude he says really really

funny shit and he

he lives in vancouver

i can’t wait to see him again we’re gonna see him

again in june when we go up there for the ufc

hollow back

that’s the rumor ufc in june

okay when’s ufc japan i want to see that

i don’t know

i don’t know it’s hard to go over there i think

let me see get some questions here man the

stream is coming in too fast i can’t read these bitches

that’s cool though that’s the twitter stream

did i see the bit on snl about jersey

shore man i haven’t watched snl in a long time

i find it really hard to trust them

you know it’s like so many of

those sketches just not funny

it’s too hard to trust you know to like

to commit to sitting there and

it’s one of those things i’ll give you a few

i watch the clips when there’s

things in on the internet that really funny

like dick in a box remember that that was an snl

gag wasn’t it yeah

i watched them when they get to the internet but

i can’t i need someone else to edit it find the

funny ones and make a big deal out of it

i can’t commit to watching that show

i seen avatar yet no i have not

we’re gonna brian and i are gonna go see it probably

the day after christmas we’re

gonna get fucking shroomed up

and go to the fucking some of that

we could go to the the three d

yeah i think we’re already

gonna have heart attacks and i mean yeah but

to a shroom

that’s the way to do it

not crazy oh

not what turns you never know

i took a little

notes heroics

last time well let’s just go with pop cookies

and pop cookies

that’s fine

i got some pop cookies and just like shrooms yeah

it might as well be shrooms yeah

i please talk

about ancient

alien theories he says in all caps

jg one twenty nine

please talk

about ancient

alien theories

the big theory of the ancient

alien theories is that

human beings

were manufactured

and that they use genetic manipulation to take

monkeys and add

alien dna to the

monkeys to make people

what do you

think about that

brian i think

asians are aliens they

could be right

maybe that’s why they’re so hot

the fuck is calling me

while i’m on my podcast god damn it

that’s the house

excuse me i’m in the middle of a podcast

oh how much longer should i be

okay you want me to end soon

hi muffin daddy’s daddy’s on the internet

okay only ten minutes okay okay you

ladies and gentlemen that’s that’s the reality

see you see me fucking

stand up comedian

cage fighter

no pussy whipped husband and daddy

daddy has to

stop smoking

weed and doing his little webcam show because

everybody wants

to eat and they want to open up christmas presents

merry christmas you

dirty bitches

what was i talking

about before that happened

oh we’re talking about ancient aliens

yeah you were saying what’s your theory

asians asians

like aliens landed and had asians and then like

they’re not

like the asians nowadays aren’t

aliens but they’re a breed of

aliens kind of like maybe they’re more

alien than we are

maybe there was like different formulations

maybe that’s what all the different

breeds of human beings are you

know different like italians or they’re pure

we’re just much and they’re pure

they’re more pure to the actual human race you know

well definitely asians are more pure i mean there’s

there’s billions of them and they look

very similar that’s incredible they managed to do that

i mean i guess they probably look at europeans

in a similar way

but the difference is with blonde hair and red hair and

brown hair europeans come in all different colors and

sizes but even like you go korean

to japanese to chinese it’s all black hair

it’s all real similar skin

tones i mean god damn there’s some similarities in the

asian i would love to be

asian i think

really yeah

do you have excuse for having such a little dick oh

no i mean seriously don’t have to shave

most of them don’t have to shave

i hate shaving dude i don’t mind shaving

i fucking hate it

well you shave

everything i

enjoy it you making an adventure i’ll keep my ball hair

going my lower ball hair shave off

because there’s some gray ones in there i’m trying to

avoid but my

upper pews i

leave those bitches

alone yeah i trim them a little bit

when i was when i

lived alone i

would take nair

and put on a

trash bag and roll around like a pig and

really just so to get it all over my back

and then you can

really get the

scraper scraper

so then you

would have to get like a towel on a

towel and you

rub just rub hard really does it work

yeah wow brian

innovative hair loss methods by

brian michael

i had a nice fat thick mountain man beard for a while

back when i was

doing that evan tanner tribute beard i had a good one

going but i had to shave it for something i had to do

rejoined the human

rejoined society

well back when i came back from

colorado too

i was really

thinking about growing one in colorado but that might

push me well over the edge

when i was living in colorado on the top

of a mountain if i had a beard up there too i probably

would have got way

close to an animal

you know if i let myself fall with

crazy hairy

was there any

point love living there like that you were

just outside and you’re just like holy shit this is

scary you know what am i doing here yeah

definitely definitely it was

definitely scary

but that was

part of the appeal of it to me is that it was so

off the grid

right it was so outside of the way a normal person

every day gets to

experience life

i was living in the fucking woods

not just kinda in the woods i was living on

150 acres on the top of a mountain

in boulder colorado

outside of boulder

i mean it was like nine

miles above boulder it was pretty

trippy 8 500 feet

above sea level

and all sorts of wildlife

deer every day deer i was on a dirt road for

eight miles

deer every day i

would see deer

everyday i would see foxes occasionally i

would see porcupines

people saw bear i

never saw bear

saw a mountain lion

in my backyard i mean you saw a lot of shit

eagles all the time

i mean it was

really intense

it was so real

you know it was so like

you know you’re driving you

see in wild animals like real wild animals big fucking

ten point bucks walking down the

street you know

it’s very very interesting it’s

just that the

fact that you can live somewhere like that it’s such a

i think people get

stuck into patterns and i

think it’s real easy to get

stuck in the same way of

thinking the same way of looking at the world

and nothing changes that like moving to a new

place for a while

and moving to a

place that’s as

stunning as the mountains of colorado

i would love to go back but

it’s just not practical

to have a wife

and kids and you know and have little vulnerable

babies and being around fucking wild monsters

i mean my dog got

eaten by a mountain lion

when we were up there

that’s for real

like we saw mountain lion

i let the little dog out by himself dog disappears

i mean that dog got

eaten by a fucking mountain lion

you know which is very likely and

those animals died of

predation up there all the time it’s very common

they even prey

on animals they get used to them they get used to

recognizing and associating the barks

barks of these animals with like

prey and so they go towards

where they hear barks

so it’s actually

kind of dangerous when you have a fucking

house with dogs barking

cause sometimes

these mountain lines

like if they’re hungry

especially if they’re old

and they can’t

catch deer anymore

they know these dogs are like in a cage

these dogs have friends

they hop over that fence

like it ain’t shit

jack dogs they do it all the time they’re

scary as fuck

do you think people that

sleep with guns

underneath their pillows

if that’s just fake somebody said it once to impress

a girl oh no i know a guy who does it really yeah

is that just seem the most

like that’s dumb

well if you want it and you want it to have it

right there if you live in a

place where you

think you’re

gonna need it

right billy

i mean look it

doesn’t seem like it’s a good idea but what if

someone breaks in your

house and you need the gun

and you just go like that

and you got the gun

and then that keeps you alive

you know there’s that way of looking at it

you know there’s a way of looking at it like hey man

if you think that way man

fucking nothing can happen to you man as long as you

think positive

you can think that way you can be one of

those dudes

that goes through life convinced

that nothing ever bad is

gonna happen to you

you know i mean that that is possible you might

sneak through but

shit might get ugly

and shake it’s ugly

you want one of

these bitches

this shit’s important that’s cool shut

up guns ladies and gentlemen

i believe in the

second amendment

that’s really cool

i believe did we get

shooting santa i

haven’t been

shooting in so long

let’s really let’s go yeah

i want to go

go let’s go on

monday cool i think

yeah definitely

gun control is important you

gotta definitely

screen people you gotta

definitely make sure that

people don’t

you know that

the people can’t get access to guns that are fucking

crazy and that you know and that’s the problem

with a lot of gun shows is there’s a lot of people that

sell guns and gun shows that don’t give a fuck of your

license or not

they’re just trying to make some money and

there’s been exposed

on that where they’ve shown that

people in gun shows will sell guns to people that

don’t you know not really supposed to have guns but

the guns are out there

they’re fucking

out there there’s millions of them you’re not gonna

you should have one

you know if there’s

millions of guns out there

better to have it

and did not

need it than to need it and not have it that’s

you know i’m

i’m an optimist

i’m not a pessimist i’m not

you know i believe

that most human beings are good

but i’ve come across

way too many fucked up people

to have complete and

total blind

trust in the human race

i just don’t i’ve i’ve seen

way too many fucked up violent

things happen

i’ve seen way too many

crazy people

i’ve come in contact with and had to deal with

way too many fucking

crazy people

there’s a lot

of people out there that you can’t reason with there’s

a lot of people out there that are just broken and nuts

and that’s real

oh is that santa’s bells

santa’s bells is leaving us

santa’s bells where

no no i mean is that santa’s

oh you’re saying we have to end this

all right ladies and gentlemen we’re

gonna have to end this real soon

do do do do what ufc super fight would i like to see

brock lesnar

versus fade or

that’s what i would like to say

that’s what everybody would should

want to say that’s a diaper

diaper this is my reality ladies and gentlemen

got diapers in my office my

boss office

with my make me hard poster i got fucking yeah

oakley split thump

i don’t know talk later oh that’s those

eyeglasses there mp3 players oh

that’s the kind that dog the bounty hunter wears hollow

that’s hilarious

all right ladies and gentlemen

this has been very interesting we are up to

three hundred and

seventy nine motherfuckers

i want to thank you for tuning in

this is we’re gonna do this much more

often now that i have this set up i finally

installed this webcam that i bought like five fucking

years ago you

gotta get your internet updated you get a new hd

i’m gonna get my internet updated

they have hd cameras now

59 bucks at amazon

look for the mic for this yeah

well no you don’t that’s actually an old camera now

that’s not good no

but it looks okay

yeah that’s okay but see it’s not an hd

you could be broadcast

in hd right now

but isn’t that

like more bandwidth for people to download

yeah but now when you have

twenty megabytes

you know oh but

crazy doesn’t affect them it affects

them downloading it only affects up

uploading yeah

once once i get the internet do it i’ll make it

i’ll make it hd so you can see how

ugly i am alright what else we got here

when the next time i’m gonna be you streaming

johnny bananas

that’s a very good question

i think what i’m going to try to do is

my ultimate goal in 2010

is i’m trying to write a book

right now and i’ve been

spending a lot of time writing that and writing

stand up comedy and not so much time

updating my website

but i do go on twitter because twitter’s fun for me and

it’s like a little exercise in writing to make things

short and make them 140 characters

i think that’s fun so

it is it’s like

it teaches you to like you

know edit your shit yeah and with comedy that’s very

important economy of words is what it’s called and a

stand up comedy it’s very important the less words you

could use to make a point

the funnier it’s

gonna be when it hits people

the more you know the more

verbose it is the more it’s not

funny when it gets there

so i think twitter is real good for that but

my point is in 2010

my main goal is more on the internet

more shit like this more you

stream shit

more twitter and

definitely more blogs

but i’m gonna

start doing more

video shit and where i’m

carrying i got a cool flip

thing from the

ufc for christmas

which is perfect

i’m gonna bring that

bitch with me

everywhere i’m gonna

start putting shit online on youtube

on a really regular basis

and i know there’s a little you

stream streaming

thing for the iphone

we’re gonna try that shit out but it’s probably gay

yeah if you’re on wi fi it’s not bad

you actually see the chat on the

screen too oh really yeah

if you’re on wi fi it’s good it’s good yeah i mean i’ve

tried on 3g

on wi fi that

means i’m on a fucking computer you know wi fi

around unless you’re at denny’s

you know denise’s wifi yeah

amazing any

place has wifi welcome to two thousand nine people

shit is getting crazy

well listen i

gotta go i gotta go eat dinner with my family

i don’t wanna

leave people hungry

we gotta exchange presents and all that good shit

i love you motherfuckers

thank you very much for

tuning in and we are

gonna do this again

don’t know when

but within a week right yeah

we’ll come in

once a week commit to

this once a week two

hours once a week i

think that’s all right

i love you guys

thank you very much

bye bye two

hours once a week a movie

is two hours

you do you do a

movie once a week

yeah yeah you went so far i was

thinking is how gay

is this all

going to look

looking back at it and

50 years so do we

save this do we save this recording

um i no i think it saves it to your page so people

can go to your page hit stop and see what it says

i think they

stopped it oh

see this is

stopped wait no you said stop

stop broadcast

hit stop stop record i see yeah

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