The Joe Rogan Experience #2 - Brian Redban

recording bam

it’s happening right now bitches

says off air though look

this is off air

oh we have to refresh that screen

all right here we go

we’re live bitches

it’s me and batman

i got batman with me

so don’t fuck around

this is some new show everybody what this is

this is some new badass

jacket that you can get that

allows you to also be a robber you can be a bank robber

and you don’t even have to wear a ski mask

and look suspicious

you just this

is like a mask that comes with this fucking this thing

show everybody

okay show everybody

how dump is that it turns into the hood it’s a hood

but it’s a mask so in these hard economic times

why is this

is there another version of that window

okay this is the girl that died that

snorted that giant line of cattle really

i don’t really know she died but people on the internet

saying she died all right

what’s up bitches

how’s everybody doing

we got two things going on here we got this

this twitter thing where you can if you twitter

your questions will answer your questions from that or

if you go to my website which is forums joe rogan net

what people asking a bunch of dumbass fucking questions

god damn it this fella hate that

all right that’s all good

all right what’s happening fuckers what’s going on

give me some questions some good ones

how many bond hits tonight we

haven’t taken any bond hits we’ve only

used a little little pipe that somebody gave me

no bond hits bitches

bong hits for jesus

is that alex jones or just

a microphone

where on the left

see that this yeah it’s not really alex

that he doesn’t do it somebody does it for him

well i don’t know who’s doing it

but they’re doing a real good job

getting all the information

you imagine what his

christmas dinner was like he had charlie sheen to talk

about he had terrorism to talk about

somehow they connected with each other

yeah he’ll probably have something

well charlie didn’t do anything who probably

it’s the government

doesn’t want charlie out there talking about 9 11

i’m half joey diaz half out

he knows that

that’s i’m too high ladies and gentlemen

too high to be doing this show this is ridiculous

the weed that they have here in california is just

too goddamn

strong ladies and gentlemen it’s medical you

could just buy it from a fucking

store shit is outrageous

and that’s train wreck

that’s like one of the best ones you can

get i don’t like how you guys are looking down at me

it makes me uncomfortable

i wish we were looking eye to eye

on the same level

i’m gonna have to set this up so that we’re looking eye

to eye feels

weird looking up at that

thing you need a

smaller monitor i can trade you

you’re so nice

questions questions questions

let’s go to the rogan

board we’re gonna go to

to forums dot joe rogan dot net

to the official

twelve twenty nine you stream

you stream podcast thread where the questions are not

limited to a gay hundred and forty characters

that’s just ridiculous

do you think there will be one

world government in our life or do you

think it will act

and how do you think it will actually affect us

i think that’s

possible it’s very possible if they can get the

money sorted out between all

these fucking scumbags that run these

world governments

yeah they would all

agree to one gigantic

system of government

the problem with one gigantic

system of government is though even though it

would be harder for corruption

it would be

it’s also harder

to keep people in line because you have to have enemies

you have to have like

you know the turks hate the fucking iranians

hate the this hate of that

if you don’t have that

conflict it’s very difficult to keep people in line

you know and if we were all the united

states of america

then we’d start arguing

about money we’d

start arguing

about taxes we’d

start arguing

if we’re all one

thing it makes it very difficult to do

but as far as like

giant international banks

they might already be in cahoots or

close enough to one

world government i mean there

might be like a few that are

really pulling the strings and running

things but i mean

it would be cool

if the future of the government was just the internet

so every time you wanted to vote it was just like

going on a message

board and voting

like hey so we have

legal insurance

vote now yeah

that would be pretty

cool cause there

would be like four of the people buying

then people

would hack it

yeah you know

it’s all good on paper but

you know anything that you do on the internet now i

could do to play poker you’d

never know if you’re playing poker

against a real dude

you know you

could easily be playing poker

into a computer right

i mean i don’t know what kind of programs they run but

it seems to me like at this

point in time people can hack just

about anything

they can i mean

there’s programs like

that’s the problem with these

drones that they have you

heard about this

those drones can

things are hacking into the

drones like the airplanes this

drones i check the borders and

stuff yeah well they don’t just

check borders they launch missiles

they have these fucking

things these

drones that

shoot these

things called hellfire missiles

and they use them in pakistan and all

these places

where we’re not really supposed to be

and they just fly in and jack people

well the insurgents

have figured

out how to hack the code and actually view the monitor

it’s crazy shit man

speaking of

crazy shit i really do have to take a shit

we plan this out bad so i’m

gonna take a shit and

brian’s gonna answer questions

twenty it’s a

and that’s a

twenty nine dollar program that that

that they use just to hack our videos

there’s a toilet in his office what is your opinion

let’s go to back to twitter

joe doesn’t make the

extract listerine packages it’s actually

one of the products that’s sold here in

california when you

have a medical marijuana license you can go to a store

and they sell the listerine

at the store like it looks like listerine strips

so no he doesn’t make them himself

joe has not

seen avatar yet we’re the last two people to

see avatar and we’re supposed to see it this week

it’s pretty

annoying not

being the last one to see it

underwear bomber was staged any thoughts

that did from the the airplane


the government man

the government yeah

i think he’s just a retard

yeah joe just thinks he’s a retard

i think it shows you how fragile our system is

that one guy can do one

stupid thing and the whole world

grinds to a halt

and security takes five hours now

you guys probably didn’t hear that but he

thinks that’s pretty ridiculous how

one guy did

all of that and that’s how bad our security is and now

shit’s all fucked up from that one dude

yeah security lines are

five hours long

right one guy

it shows you how fragile

this system is

joe is not we’re not reading the chat on you stream

joe is only doing the twitter

so if you want

have a message joe will answer it if you put on twitter

or joe rogan’s website

which is forums dot

joe rogan net

he’s taking a shit

right now so he’ll be right back

it’s the coffee sorry it’s the starbucks coffee

let’s see let’s go back to the

all right i’m

gonna go read some messages on joe’s website forums dot

joe rogan net

joe would be right back

how many people got on that

let’s go

almost three hundred


yeah i have the darth vader

mark echo sweatshirt also

but yeah that boba fett one is pretty sweet

i have realized though

it’s pretty gay when you’re by yourself

and not with friends but these sweatshirts

there’s the boba fett one

where’s oh sweet

yeah you know i think mark layman had one of

those the war to the ufc mark layman is a he’s a

comic book nerd and a and a judiciary

teaches a lot of guys fighting

world and teaches on

jiu jitsu and he’s

he’s a big video game junkie and

he had a boba fetland

pretty dope

pretty dope

all right questions

questions from the twitter world this my twitter

tweet deck is too i couldn’t get to refresh it and i

think it’s the api thing again so you might want to

close that and use the u stream one only okay

i see it’s not closed yet

just shut off i always forget that

all right twitter on you stream

let’s go with the questions here bitches

what am i back in ireland not only back in ireland

until the ufc’s back in ireland

it’s not financially feasible

for me to make those trips without the ufc

to the uk but every time i’m there

if there’s a show if we’re good

if we’re doing a ufc in ireland for sure i’ll be doing

stand up comedy there

they could hear the flows

they could hear me did you hear me take it down

it was so strong i couldn’t resist it

i knew i had to go

i didn’t want to

i want to do

i wanted to be able to just man up and

push through the whole u stream but i was like i’m

gonna do a bad job because i’m just be

thinking about this dump i have to take

so what were we talking

about before

i took off because it was kind of important stuff

i think the one more

thing is the last

thing you talk about oh that was the first question one

world government in our lifetime you know

i don’t know man i used to

i had a lot more

faith before

obama got elected i’ll tell you that

i thought that maybe what we

had was a corrupt situation and you know that bush and

chain were corrupt and that

if we got somebody else in there

maybe they could straighten

everything out but

after obama got

elected man

it became pretty

clear to me that someone

else besides

the president obviously is pulling the strings

obama didn’t want

to send more

troops obama didn’t want to go to afghanistan

to bring more people

to afghanistan he wanted to pull out a guantanamo bay

close guantanamo

bay down all that shit but

it’s not i don’t

think he gets to say what the fuck they do or

he was just saying that kind of shit to get elected

you know i mean

the old bill hicks joke comes to mind

you know that american politics is

you know i like the puppet on the right

well i find the puppet

to the left to be more at a lot my liking hey wait a

minute there’s one guy who’s holding both puppets

i think it’s

right what are you doing

it’s not doing anything

i know but you’re distracting the shit out of me

closing the

screen moving shit around

fucking psycho

he’s a tweaker

but not like the meth kind like he has to

tweak things

like come on let’s optimize my

internet so he’s the kind of dude who

hacks into his registry to make his internet

like 1 kbh faster

you’re one of

those dudes

right do you remember when computers

first came out and

i always had the friend that said that he

could hack into the library

and like get

rid of all the doofies and

stuff like that i always wonder

if that was real if he was just pulling my leg up

well definitely there were some

systems that you

could hack into

if you were a wizard

you know isn’t

that what will mit nick did a lot of shit with like

phone calls right

didn’t like get information

from people yeah it wasn’t even that he was like this

great hacker was just he was kind of

like a con man by the way did you read that they just

hacked the like the 21 year old code

that scrambles our

phone calls on cell

phones so now

and the guys

the hackers put it on the internet so anyone

could have it

so now i mean

of course it’s probably not

gonna happen

to us anytime soon but

now there’s actually people that have the code to

they can listen to your

phone calls listen to your

phone calls holy shit

that’s a 21 year old code

like a 64 bit code

i think that’s

where the world is headed to

i think that’s where

i think that’s the future

the future is

there’s not

gonna be any private information

i think what we’re seeing with like this

tiger woods thing

i think we’re seeing the future of

things to come

i mean with him it’s obviously that he’s a celebrity

and it’s a but the way that everybody is swarming

after this information me too man

i can’t fucking put down an us weekly

if i seen us weekly at the

market and some new

tiger wins information

i grab that i can’t fucking help it

you know well i

think eventually

there’s not

going to be any secrets

i think eventually we’re

going to get to a

point where

the way information is being distributed it’s

changing the way we feel

about information

i mean it’s a weird

with celebrities it’s one

thing you know we’re looking at like well

these are famous people and you know

it’s like they give up that right

once once you start

you know put

yourself in the public eye you give up that

right to privacy

well eventually that’s

gonna happen

like it’s happening with facebook accounts too like

girls are doing

stupid shit on

their facebook accounts and they gets all the internet

and they go well you know she gave up her

right when she put it on facebook

it’s like that new google goggles

where you can just take a

photo of anything and it

figures out what it is and then

searches it for you

so you can now like go to a

like if you see like a can of pop

right take a

picture of it and notice what it is google’s it but

it’s starting to get where you

can they’re

gonna do it

where you can do

flowers and

plants and anything so pretty soon


going to be google

searched so

there is no privacy so

while i’m here i could

you know what i mean like yeah

yeah i mean eventually i’m sure that shit is

gonna make its way into your

house well it already is google goggles

came out on the android no but i mean you’d be able to

search someone’s

house oh yeah take a

photo and you’ll be able to go oh

this guy lives at 97

woodcrest road

right people

only five years

ago you put a

picture on your facebook a christmas

photo that has like your bookshelf in the

background now

present day

that’s gonna

start researching

every single book that’s on your

shelf and it’s

gonna put in a database

somewhere and gps location you know what i mean so

when you’re

searching for something you’re

gonna be like oh jill has that book at home

i think what’s happening i

think what’s happening with twitter

and what’s happening

with facebook and what’s happening with it

just the internet in general is there’s way more


between all

human beings and a part of that is

access to information

so that information is not

going to be like it is now it’s not

going to be private

i think eventually

technology will come

to the point where

lying will be

absolutely impossible

and you will know

everything that everybody else knows

and everyone’s

gonna try to hold back on it for a

while because people have a lot of

dirty secrets

they do a lot of creepy shit

but i think

ultimately it’s probably

gonna be good for everybody i do

think that that’s

where we’re headed i

think we’re headed to a

point where everybody

has access to

all the information that everybody else has

and not just like like you go on the internet and you

search for it

not like in

the rudimentary way we have to actively look for it i

think it’s gonna be

right there

i think there’s

gonna eventually

come they’re

gonna eventually get to a point

where there’s some sort of

technology that’s created that allows

human minds to interface with

other human minds

i think that’s definitely

where this is all

going i mean

where there’s talk of neural implants and all

these different

things people

think that’s all

crazy but that’s a

small step from

where we are

in comparison to

where we were just a couple hundred years ago

i mean a couple hundred years ago

the fastest mode of

transportation was riding a fucking animal

think about that

you had to ride 300 years ago

the fastest shit on land is to ride an animal

or have an animal pull you

behind something with

wheels or a

slave yeah but

slaves can’t run as fast as animals some of

those guys can

no way not of course

this guy’s an idiot

can’t believe he does

but i mean think

about what a monumental

leap between the transference of


today in 2009

and in 1709

i mean think

about what we can do right now we could send a fucking

picture across

you know space

send it through the air and it

literally arrives i mean if i have a friend in the uk

and i wanna send him a

picture in a text message i can take the picture

send it and it gets to him

whoop just like that i mean that’s fucking incredible

i mean it literally will get there in seconds

we don’t even

we can’t even fathom how nuts that is

because we do it all the time

what’s coming next is

gonna make that seem like riding a horse

that’s what’s happening that’s what i

think is happening

that’s what i think is this whole

this rush for information that everybody has

this insane desire that

human beings have for the newest

greatest latest

technology you

know even when

you don’t need it like people are always trying to

pump up their computers the only reason

why you need a pumped up computer really is to play

video games or if

you’re crunching

video like he needs

stuff like that

he makes videos just

for raw computing power

but the average person

is not crunching

video they’ve hit a wall

we’ve hit a wall in computers

in general like

you really don’t need

even like the fastest computers now the programs

the video programs aren’t even

yeah that’s why everybody’s into

those little netbooks

you know those netbooks are the shit except for

watching like hd videos

right yeah and

that kind of sucks

and you can’t load a cd into it either a dvd

right yeah but that

technology is like talking

about the floppy

drive right before the floppy

drive left you

know like cds and dvds are out the door even blu rays

have like such a

small shelf life

do you think it’s ever

gonna get to a

point where bandwidth will be so

broad and like mobile functions like laptops and

phones like

those little mobile cards

it’ll be so

powerful it’ll be just like your home

oh it’s totally it’s

gonna be all that pretty soon so to

basically be like

everything will be broadband

do we even know what the fuck that is doing to

human beings

you know like they talk

about cell phones

like causing radiation

and you know

one week they say it’s bad one week they say it’s okay

well i think do you

think that it’s possible that that’s like altering

human beings giving kids autism probably

right it might be

that it might be that

it might also be fucking with bees there’s

been speculation that it’s been fucking with bees

and there’s also been speculation that it’s some

crazy virus that read that as well

but there’s also been speculation that

wi fi signals and cell

phone signals that it fucks with b’s ability to

transmit we did a

thing for fear

factor once with bees man and it was a fucking trip

because this guy was a beekeeper and he

you know i had all

these bees that he brought with him

so the stunt was

these dudes they had to be strapped to this pole

we strap them to the pole

and then we

cover them with bees and they have to

stand there

for like five minutes they were getting fucked up

cause every now and then

you know the bees will

argue or something they’d sting

the dude and it was bad like they got stung up well

while this was all

going on while this guy is tending to

these bees and caring for

these bees a local

swarm of bees came in

so our bees and

their bees were talking it out

and we had to back up

everybody had to get off the set we had to

close down the set we had to

close down the stunt

and everybody had to move back

and the beekeepers saying we’ve got you

know a local

local band of bees has

moved in i forget what he calls them

i didn’t a hive

or i don’t know a hive

but that’s like

no whatever

a local band of bees

moved in to sort it out with these bees

so our bees and their bees

were just this fucking

swarm in the sky and they were fighting

they were just talking

so what’s up what are you guys doing i work for

fear factor we got some dudes we’re gonna

cover them in bees and shit

they were like working out what was

going on and then they resolved

their differences

and the local bees went a separate way

and then his bees stayed

was it like a

black cloud yes

that’s crazy it was nuts it was a big fucking

cloud of bees in the air

and the bees were communicating

where’s your cell

phone why weren’t you filming

it was back in the day you didn’t have the e7

no e18 or whatever

motorola we had a

press four times to get it

asked of your do you

remember how

bad this little

motorola’s word is like

e8 15 is that what it was

i had one of those

but um so we

they wonder if that’s fucking with bees

if our cell

phone signals and everything are fucking with bees

it’s that autism

thing that it might be something totally like that it

could be it also you know a lot of speculation

about autism is the

age of the parents and that

the women are having

babies like into their 30s and 40s and that increases

the risk a a lot of people have talked

about that that’s

very very possible it makes sense man

you know when

we’re just older and smarter

and we look at it now and we say well god you know how

stupid would it be

to have a kid when you’re 18 when you’re 18 you’re an

idiot which is

absolutely true but

when you’re an eighteen year old

idiot your genetics are much stronger

and you could you

could have a kid and the kid probably

wouldn’t be as fucked up

i mean the the reality is

even though we are lengthening our lifetimes

with nutrition

and you know science and we’re

figuring out a way to make people live longer

really people

aren’t supposed to live much longer than like

fifty you know

back in the day if you live to be

fifty holy shit you pulled off an amazing thing

you know but not not anymore

now people are

living to be a hundred and ten and you got sylvester

stallone is

62 years old he’s fucking yoked and

shredded you know

things are getting very strange now

that’s why guys are

smart they would just

knock up 18 year old girls

when they want to get you know yeah

girls would

definitely give you the better genetics

the real question though is do you

do you get anything

other than you know like hair

color eye color personality

do you get learned

experiences and is it better off to have a parent

with a lot of


are those experiences

transferred through

dna i never thought

of that because they didn’t used to

think it was they used to

think that ideas were

only they were native to the person who had the idea

but now they’re

starting to

think that memes can actually be

transferred through genetics

and that useless

traits even like racism

racism can be

transferred through genetics

and it kind of makes

sense because there’s a lot of

things that

we have inside our genetics and our instincts

that are basically

ancient learned

things like

like for instances

dude named rupert shell drake

rupert sheldrick

is like this

evolutionary biologist dude and he

pointed out that children

that live in new york city

they don’t have dreams

about like muggers or car accidents

they have nightmares

about monsters about

scary monsters

and the reason they have

nightmares about

scary monsters is because back in

head somewhere deep in our dna

we remember back when we were like

monkeys when we were

these these little apes

hanging around

in trees and you’re running away from big cats

that that shit is

always in our head because that is like the number one

thing that was

that fed off of off chimps and apes

is big cats big cats are constantly killing

monkeys and chimps and apes and that’s

like when they find like old

human beings

like you know the

evolutionary versions of

human beings you know

subhuman hominoids

they find all

their skeletons

like a lot of them have like big fucking

cat bites big you

know markings

so that’s like

that’s like

some memory that we have ingrained in our genetics

in whoever the fuck we are

it’s very possible that if you’re like 18 years old

and you know

you fuck a chicken she’s 18 you’re both retarded

you’re gonna have a dumbass kid you

know i mean

that might be

it might not just be

your hair color and your eye

color and how tall you’re

gonna be it

might be your actual

experiences and your

human potential like that

second yeah

maybe yeah yeah

maybe if you’re a loser like

if you’re a fucking

drunk if you get hammered

and you’re fucked up and your life is in the toilet

and you know you bang some

chick who’s

you know on the rebound and

her old boyfriend needs to beat her and you

shoot a load in her

maybe a kid

would be just like

really fucking dumb and prone to make terrible mistakes

you know i mean

maybe he get past it but maybe

his inclination like

maybe maybe we

start off in a certain

place in life not just based on

the economic

situation that our parents are in and you know and

who the people we grow up with and what

origin maybe it’s

maybe it’s our position

starts out based on

what the parents were

thinking and doing when they fucked and conceived you

like maybe if that’s the lowest

point in their life

you not even because the way they

raise you they

could take you away and

raise you in an orphanage somewhere totally different

but your potential

is limited by

the circumstances in

which you were conceived

do you think that’s possible

maybe i don’t think we

have any idea

so i think anything is possible

but it’s very obvious

that there’s a

bunch of different types of humans

there’s like

super powerful

super successful super

smart humans

and there’s really fucking dumb people i

think it’s the percentage of your

brain being used

you know i think people use more brain than

other people

and i think it’s such a

small percentage but even that

you know yeah maybe

that’s that’s the real way to become a

superhero find out how to use a hundred percent of your

brain but isn’t that

bullshit i’ve

heard that that’s bullshit that we don’t use

yeah i mean when they look it up it shows

the yeah but that that’s not what that part is for

you know i think that that

whole you know

human beings only use 10

of their brain

i think that’s a myth

yeah i think it’s a myth

well they don’t know exactly what

every part of the

brain is for it’s like

they’re still like

it’s like you know it’s like

charting out

the bottom of the sea there’s a lot of shit they

still haven’t figured out yet

let’s see if any of you

motherfuckers are

smarter than us and have answers to all

these things that we’re talking

about it is

weird when you see like a

human brain on tv and you’re just like that’s somebody

that’s a person that used

to be a person

it’s crazy it

doesn’t make any

sense it’s nuts

alright this twitter is blowing the fuck up

ladies and gentlemen

now you spelled twitter wrong

i spelled twitter wrong on the twitter backslash

jerang and oh i did retard

should i fix that no who cares

shit you know i’m talking about

damn a lot of questions

should watch a

scanner darkly

yeah you know what man a

scanner darkly is something that i bought

a long ass time ago i got it on dvd and i just have

never gotten around to

watching it i

tried to watch it i stopped anti chris

why did you stop

i don’t remember

it just wasn’t that interesting like

damn you hear that shit chris


said it wasn’t interesting you’re recommending it

and his he’s saying it’s whack

keanu reeves man

keanu reeves was

tough action

has there ever been a guy

that more universally panned as an actor

but more incredibly successful

i mean he like

he blows them off the fucking charge

slip by every time oh here’s something i need to tell

you they actually

found had a playboy

article this

month that there was a roadhouse

video game in the

being made a

few years ago but the company went bankrupt

roadhouse video games

like the patrick

swayze movie yeah

that’s the greatest bad

movie ever it’s

right up there with showgirls

if you haven’t seen roadhouse

i don’t know what the fuck is

wrong with you

if you haven’t seen showgirls

drop this chat and and

either download it or go to the

video store

and do something

you gotta watch showgirls showgirls is awesome

just a quintessential movie

where the people who are doing the

movie were just

gacked out of

their fucking minds on cocaine

and they made a terrible

movie that makes no sense and

it’s so bad that it’s good it’s like perfect it’s just

one of those

movies that just perfectly

crosses over into parody

to the point

where you can

watch it over and over and over

again right

i’ve only seen it

twice showgirlz

was awesome

but showgirlz and roadhouse are both

basically the same movie

they’re both

movies where it’s like

they got people

that were just full of themselves enough and just

underestimate the intelligence to the viewers enough

and just hack enough and just

you know they

just follow the dumbest formula lines possible

the difference between roadhouse and showgirls though

is that roadhouse seems to be raw

stupidity on its own

where showgirls is

the most obvious cocaine

movie of all time

because it’s just so dumb

like you had to be on coke to

think that that was a good movie

like if you

if you made that

movie you weren’t on coke

you would watch the

daily as you be like

what the fuck we doing

what are we doing what is this movie

but if you’re

on coke you like yeah it’s fucking awesome

give me another one

what was your

what’s your bit

all right i’ll tell you pescular which one

it has something to do with like

would you even

be able to see it yet because you know the

human brain hasn’t seen it yet

oh no it’s my theory

about how we

believe that

everything around us is

everything there is

right and i talk

about farts

and what i say

is that if someone farted and you didn’t have a nose

you’d have no idea if something was

going oh no no i’m talking

about something you used to say a

while ago something like

kind of you were kind of saying like

how cause our

would you even be able to see it

because our brain hasn’t seen it yet like the tiger

or something

like that i didn’t mean the tiger bit was

it if a tiger was running at you

would you be able to even

watch that because i think your brain just

start producing i

think it was about

the pyramids or something

they had used to have a

thing where you talked about like

would they even be able to see it because their brains

never seen it before

and so i don’t think so man that’s not my act

that’s i think you’re

thinking of there’s a part in the movie this

secret where

those retards

claimed that or was

what the bleep do we know

i think it was a

bleep where they were like looking

like they said the indians couldn’t recognize the

bonus but if i see it that was not my act

right no my act was

the part about how

if we didn’t have a

nose and you had if you

smell the fart and this is for the people that are

watching this

this is the idea is that

we don’t have any idea

if there’s more around us all the time that we can’t

sense and it’s very possible there is

and what i say

is the fart theory and the fart theory is

if someone farted

and you couldn’t

smell it you’d have

no idea that there’s something around you it’s totally

completely invisible

but if someone farts you fucking smell it

but if you didn’t

have a nose you’d be just sitting in someone’s stench

how do we not

know that there aren’t an infinite amount of

things that we just can’t detect

and that smell

even though we can detect it’s like it’s for

biological reasons you know you smell gas

you know it’s dangerous for you you

smell fire get away

there’s a reason why we have a

sense of smell

it’s good for us but

what if we didn’t

if we didn’t it would be

an invisible thing

and it’s just our imagination that limits

the possibilities of how many

other invisible

things there

are around us all the time that we can’t detect

there’s all sorts of animals like worms

you take your hand you roll it over a worm

above a worm

they have no idea you’re there they have no idea

it’s very possible that if that

exists in nature

that there’s also

some shit like that with

human beings it’s very possible that we

are constantly

like the idea of dimensions

dimensions might be dimensions of perception we just

might not have the ability to perceive

all these other

things that are around us all the time

i mean that

could be like bad energy like you go into a

house i mean people

many people have told stories that

they go into a

house where people have been murdered and they

can feel it they can feel fucked up energy in the house

like that all

might be real shit you know like

we don’t have a name for it and

we’re not good at detecting it you know we call it a

sense or a feeling

that might be real energy that you’re detecting

we’re just not

evolved enough to the

point where we can really tune into it yet

why is it that we like

smelling our own farts

but not somebody else’s farts my farts are delicious

do you think it’s just like i don’t know do you

think we would

enjoy if we made ourselves

liked it you know

like if you forced yourself to

smell my fart and

enjoy it like

make yourself

enjoy you’d have to be one of

those sick dudes that wax off to fart porn you know

cause there’s dudes that do that just do that

oh yeah far baby

there’s dudes that like that that’s real

but i’ve never

heard anybody who likes

their buddies farts

that’s weird though it’s amazing

there should be

meanwhile i

enjoy my own fart i love my fart

everybody does

if you’re in your car and you

you feel a hot one and

a blast you

when you do this you step blowing

smoking when i’m in the shower

i cut my hand around my ass i called the donald duck

because it could

you like it makes that

make the donald duck

noise when you and when i fart and it

doesn’t smell i’m always


yeah if i fart nothing it’s worse

yeah but like if somebody else farts like on a plane

you like oh you


i can’t believe you did that why is that that we

should love it

it smells the same it’s not like your farts

smell different than i

what well with our farts i

think we get

a little reward like oh you’re getting all this bad

stuff out of your body

but with other people’s farts

it’s like oh you

stinky fuck you know it’s not the same reward

though is there any other

smells that do that i don’t like to

smell my shit

don’t like that i tell you that i don’t like that

when i take a

nasty dump one oh

get me out of that room

right i don’t want to go back in like i

would blow my

nose or something like that and go to get some toilet

oh what the fuck that was my shit yeah

i don’t like it

but i do that’s

funny man you do like if you ever

had a shit outside you ever have to take a look a shit

in the woods

that’s the worst

because there’s no

water or anything it’s just just

steamy stinky fucking dump on dirt yeah it

smells horrible

nobody ever like is like sitting there

sniffing their

their pile of shit and getting all

happy about it it makes no

sense yeah it

doesn’t make any sense

it’s like what is the


reason for that you know what is the reason it’s

probably like the cure of aids somewhere in that hmm

something that like researchers

i’m not gonna research on farts what do you

think okay what do you

think about all

these dudes and there’s a

bunch of scientists online

like what is that there’s just one guy that’s

at the head of the cause

peter duesberg

and they’re all saying that hiv does not cause aids

and that hiv is a very weak

virus and that the only reason why hiv

exists in the systems

of these people that have aids

is because their immune

system is so

compromised that it can’t even kill off hiv

well i think it’s really

weird that most of the people

it seems like that have aids are drug users and gays

so they’re going to have

something to do with the immune

system but then you can get

fucking what’s his name the

basketball player

that had fake aids

that’s the other

thing is that people

test negative

after a while like and

the rich goes into

and then it goes into a dormant stage

yeah i mean

magic johnson

had aids and now he’s doing like mattress commercials

right you know

right it’s like crazy

why is he doing mattress commercials he didn’t get

you know he

spent a lot of

money on aids medicine

yeah i think

i don’t know man i

guess i mean

they probably

pay him millions of dollars to any commercial he

still got a good name

how much mattresses though you

gonna sell it

pay that million

what are you how many

like how many more of these

basketball players all

these dudes

who you know are out there just

fucking banging

chicks left and

right they must be

freaking out

about this tiger wood shit

this tiger wood shit will throw a

monkey wrench into your endorsement deals

and like if you’re like a michael jordan type of dude

like that’s like

where those guys make them the

the bulk of

their cash is in endorsements

that’s why this is so dangerous that

tiger woods

it’s not that

tiger woods can’t go out there and

still kick ass

in golf and say fuck you i can do whatever i want

he can but he can’t

because the endorsements is

where he gets all his cash

well look at letterman

same thing it’s

blown up this year 2009

sucks yes no it

doesn’t suck it’s what i was talking

about before i think

what we’re seeing in celebrities

is mirrored is

going to be

mirrored in

human beings

we’re seeing more access to information

we’re seeing less secrets

i think it’s a

trend i think

it’s a trend

because i think that’s eventually what the

human race is

going to come to

it’s going to come to a

point in time

where there is not

going to be any

secrets and that’s a good

thing there’s

going to be

full information just goes from you to me and everyone

and what it is is the convergence of all

human beings

that’s what’s

going to to

start to ignite the convergence

amongst all

human beings it’s

gonna be full access to information i know

everything in your head

you know everything in my head

it’s pretty

weird man it’s pretty fucking

crazy and that’s

where it’s going

it’s going through technology

and this is what the internet’s

about this is what twitter’s

about this is what this you

stream chat is about

this is what all the shit is about

it’s about a convergence of

human beings like

human beings are eventually merging

into one thing i

mean that’s the

whole ancient line in eastern mysticism and

each eastern religion is

that we are all one we are

we are one consciousness

like the bill hicks joke

experiencing itself subjectively

you know that’s

the timothy leary

ideology the

ideology of

all the psychedelic heads all the people that you know

really got into like

heavy duty psychedelic drugs

is that it’s just one thing

and that we can’t recognize that we’re one

thing because

we have ego we have survival and we have all

these things

but that our

technology and the

technology forcing

us to evolve that the access to information that

technology provides

eventually will

cause human beings all

all human beings to converge and

literally be like one consciousness

if i know all your thoughts i know all your information

and we have an access to it

an interface that’s much

less crew than what we have now with typing and with

researching or

watching documentaries what if it’s like an instant

access a human

neurotrans plan something that

allows all of us

to link up our minds together

that’s not that outside of the realm of possibility

that to me seems

just as likely as the ability to send a

picture through the internet on your phone

that’s just that’s just as fucking crazy

that you can send

video through the air

and you could

watch a youtube

video on your iphone

what the fuck i mean it’s just

coming through the air

and you put the headphones on and it’s in

stereo and what

that’s going through the fucking sky

is just as likely that

human beings are eventually

going to come to some

sort of a some sort of a technological

invention something

that we’re gonna come to something that

allows all human beings to interface together it

might be through this thing

it might be something you put on

and everybody else that has it on all links in together

or it might eventually

become something like something you put in your body

or might be something they broadcast

through the fucking air that links people together

i just can’t wait till it gets

cheaper to be able to

upgrade your body parts

like i want to have better eyeballs because i want

night vision

i want to have fucking

twitter i want a new

eye about that

woman that they made her a new bladder

yeah they might

have a new bladder

they took her own bladder

they scraped the cells together

and they grew

yeah they grew

i don’t know if the stem cells yeah stem cells

but i know they grew a new bladder for her in

a fucking petri dish and then installed it in her body

that’s crazy

you know a bladder is

just kind of a bag for piss but

that’s that’s

gonna happen

with other shit too man eye

transplants are

crazy too though

that’s amazing

like imagine

jessica my friends

uncle died and they donated

their eyes and

help somebody

see that can now see and they got a letter

just to let you know

your your uncle’s

eyes were donated to so

and so person who can now see and they get sent him a

whole letter

so you can imagine

somebody you know who’s dead now but

their eyeballs are

still being used

that’s incredible

that’s like a nightmare that’s like a horror

movie right

like well i

heard about some

i was thinking i was listening to the art bell show

about some lady who

donated her

or she she got a

liver from somebody in the operation

and right immediately

after the operation she

started having cravings

for whatever this dude you like are you serious

yeah that’s fucked up yeah

cravings you

never had before and that you

found other dude like really like to eat this

certain type of thing

very strange

now i wonder if you got a butt

transplant if you like

that person’s farts if you like your own farts still

if you got somebody else’s butt

people may ask the

weirdest questions dawkins 20 look at this

bill hicks the comedian how are they the same guy

what the fuck kind of question is that

what what does that mean that

doesn’t mean anything that’s not

how are they the same guy he’s one guy he’s

how are they the same guy what

alex jones is bill hicks oh

this is people believe alex

jones is bill hicks

i met bill hicks i’m friends with alex

jones they’re not the same guy

isn’t that retarded that

these people cannot be serious

it just has to be a joke it’s an internet meme right

is everything

if they’re being

if you guys are being serious

about that you guys are fucking retarded

yeah that’s pretty silly

all right let’s go some questions here magic johnson’s

bought the cure for aids yeah

magic johnson great south park episode

oh that i care for you there’s no

better south park episode than the one where

the the gay dude had a whore off with

paris out the shelter up his ass

i remember watching that

going how do they get away with this

you don’t pass on circumstances but you can pass on

the psychic ability to create them all right

all right christine m valez

how do you know that

do you really know that or you just you saying maybe

maybe that’s what’s happening but you don’t know the

psychic ability to create them do do do

have you ever met anybody

that says that they’re a channeler

or says that they’re psychic

that isn’t a fucking retard have you ever met anyone

i don’t believe any of it

every time they

do it they’re like fucking scam artists to me yeah i’ve

never met one person that says they’re a

psychic or says they can channel that isn’t retarded

they’re all retarded

but then it’s like almost

like do you have to be retarded to be able to do that

like maybe you

have to be like some somewhat of a person that can

but like you’re

you’re so socially inept you’re so clueless to how

other people perceive you

that you can achieve certain

frequencies that

other people can’t

is that possible

anything’s possible

can i get alex

jones on opie and anthony i don’t think so man i don’t

think that’s a good idea i saw what little jimmy

what little jimmy did to jesse ventura

i don’t think we’d like that

alex jones is not the kind i supposed to like

argue with like that

he’s supposed to enjoy his company

and ask him questions

and then we start talking about the new world order

black helicopters

ladies and gentlemen i see them outside my window

every night you tell me i’m crazy but i see

black helicopters outside my window so what is going on

you know you don’t argue with that dude you go damn man


black helicopters that’s what you supposed to do

not supposed to like

and i think if if i was

in the room with jesse ventura

actually i’m certain i

would have handled it different than

jimmy did but jimmy’s one of those dudes were

jim norton fantastic comedian funniest guy in radio

without a doubt by far

he he’s one of those dudes that

when he you know

when he’s in the face of someone who’s like a bully

he doesn’t like that shit he doesn’t

stand up to that shit well

and he feels like that jesse like

has this slow burn

in his eyes and i’m a navy seal and all that shit and

that you’re supposed to listen to him because of that

jim norton just ain’t buying that and that’s why

jimmy just shut him down and

clowned him

that’s just

what he does he just he’s not good at people

being bullies

i respect that

people that meditate have large frontal lobe cortexes

study show says peach shreds

i wonder that’s very possible right

it’s very possible that it changes the way your

brain works i mean if you lift weights

you know it changes the way your muscles look

if you if you

exercise your mind in certain ways get this

doesn’t don’t you think it would make that happen yeah

brian is gonna smoke marijuana live

right here on you stream thank god it’s all legal

supposedly that’s the only thing obama’s done

that he said he would do it’s not going after weed

ridiculous all right what else what else party people

let’s go to the rogan board

and read some of the questions

that you find people have

what is my opinion on free will

your blog talks

about how we’re all living through

different circumstances

which is very true but it seems denote the

power of free will which kind of sucks

i don’t know

you know i go

i start thinking about free will

i think about free will in a couple of different ways i

think it’s very possible

that you know you are shaping your own destiny and that

you know you can

you know choose your path

and you can you know go through this life and you know

and make something yourself and you know the fact that

you did it by yourself and you have to root free will

it’s all good i

think that’s very possible

but i think

it’s all possible it’s also possible that life itself

is a gigantic


algorithm that all

life itself is like a gigantic mathematical equation

and that it just

doesn’t seem

like an equation because we’re a part of it

but like that

everything your

personality your biology your circumstances your


they’re all

set up in line to put you in a very specific position

to move forward

in a very specific way to interface with all the

other very specific

things that are around you

all the other very specific people very specific events

and that the idea is that

what the idea of free will

is sort of a misnomer

like you have instincts and you have

experiences that

guide you into a certain way

like say if you

you know you

drank poison you almost died

and it was terrible and you didn’t know it

was poison well you’ll be much more careful next time

and you won’t

drink poison the idea that that

circumstance that you’ve experienced

has led you

in a very specific way

and that your


literally are set up

as a part of a mathematical equation

and that it’s all to lead this entire human race

which is really just one organism one gigantic


to lead this entire

human race into a very specific

place for a very specific purpose

that’s possible

you know i don’t like to

think it you know when your ego has

any control

whatsoever over your mind your ego wants you to

think that no

you know i am in control my

whole my life i have done what i have done and i’m

proud of all

that i’ve done because it’s my own accomplishments

but really it might be

you’re following a program

it really might

be we’re all a part of this gigantic program that’s

you know and that all this you know

ego justification ego gratification

sex and love and

fun and happiness and

all these things are really just

like numbers

and and equations and like the the

powerful number that you get from love forces you

to you know to be in love and have

children and to create more people and to be good to

those people and

those people create more good people

and that these

these rewards

are all in fact

set up as a part of an equation to move the

human race into one specific place

that everyone is working together all over the

world and we just don’t realize it we’re bees

yeah we’re bees i mean

we don’t know

how bees communicate we don’t know what sort of a

culture bees

have but we know that they don’t have books

they can’t study

their past they can’t

study their history

i mean how conscious

how where are they and

are they just

going through the motions because

that’s how they’re programmed and

if that’s the case if that’s the case with

wolves and bears and

every other animal that sort of goes through these

natural motions to achieve a specific result

maybe that’s what we’re doing

maybe we’re just doing it and it’s way more complicated

because what we’re doing is we’re actually changing

our environment we’re

changing the

world we’re creating computers and creating

technology and we’re involved

we’re the only animal on the planet that’s involved

in this symbiotic

relationship with another life form and that

other life form is technology

i mean if you

don’t classify life as something that has a

heartbeat and something that

bleeds but if you

classify life as something that

evolves and

changes and grows and something that is like

inexorably linked to

human beings

technology is just like a virus

technology is just

like something some sort of a bacteria that’s in your

system that you can’t get out of

you know like you have to

you have a lot of healthy bacteria

in your body all the time and that’s like you have

a symbiotic relationship with this healthy bacteria

and it keeps you

alive and it actually

fights off other bacteria

i mean that’s

what probiotics are that’s what acedophilas

is you’re taking in a live culture

that will be

your warriors and they will

fight off bad bacteria

well it’s very possible that that’s what

technology is the

technology is a life force

that we are interfaced with

and we have a symbiotic relationship with this other

thing and we needed to keep us alive

we needed to keep the

power on you know

to keep us warm

in cold climates

to make sure your car gets you to work

to make sure that

the airbag goes off to save your life and all this shit

is designed to help us

but in turn

we keep it going

we look at old cars

on the side of the road that are broken down and dead

and those things are just like dead bodies

you know cars that are old that stay

alive that’s just like

wow that’s fucking cool

that’s just like seeing

an old man at the gym with big muscles like holy shit

you know i mean

literally like

technology and

things that we create

we are helping

those things evolve

we are helping

those things evolve with our materialism

with our obsession with

technology we are

trying to always constantly get the newer

better cooler shit

in doing that and in

supplying that we are forcing people to

work in that industry and continue to evolve technology

i mean it’s very possible that it’s all one fucking big

thing so that’s my opinion on that

what i get for christmas your mother’s pussy oh

what’s my opinion oh this is too trippy

some people just get way too dmt on me

extreme extreme hippies yeah

weird to me

yeah this dudes question this is entheo shaman

what is your opinion

of the non ordinary reality accessed by dmt and other

and theo substances and theogens are

i think the literal

translation is something that connects you to god

but it’s psychedelic drugs

do you feel there is much to learn

from this version of reality how can it be

applied to ordinary reality

that’s the real problem with any

psychedelic drugs whether you’re doing

salvia or doing dmt or smoking weed

it’s like are you

bringing any of that back is it enhancing your life

do you think anything enhances you

i don’t know that question to me seems like

he wrote it in the garage with his car running

what do you think man the dmt

what’s my take on charlie sheen

charlie sheen is a dude who’s friends with alex jones

like me but he’s not laughing he he

is a nine eleven conspiracy buff he’s an actor he knows

everything that’s

that that you know he might

he’s an actor

actors a tough action man

you mean i know a couple actors that are pretty cool

but not that many

most of them are really annoying

somebody said

it best that the actors like comedians but with no

punch lines

they always want to talk and they got

shit they’re not giving you anything back

at least like with joey diaz

is talking like you’re

gonna be laughing and you’re gonna

enjoy it you want him to talk

but actors just talk you know

actors always have the answers too like

if you’re talking to actors

very rarely does an actor want to

admit they don’t

know why something is this or something is that why

you know they always have opinions

like really

poorly thought out opinions whether it’s on politics or

a war anything

have you recently

unfollowed somebody on twitter because they

just tweeted too much

i just unfollowed them yeah

no i hardly ever unfollow someone

the only time i

block people

if they just looking to have arguments with me

sort of boring

but i follow

the dumbest

motherfuckers i follow so many dumb people

i don’t even want to tell you what they’re doing

i don’t wanna tell you who they are because

some of them

some of them were just fantastic

they’re fantastic but they’re terrible

tweets i just unfollowed

kevin smith the

other day because he spent

he literally

spent two hours

replying to

every single person that has wrote em

in like the last two months

and you did it because it

blocks up here

it was all him

i had no one else i’m like oh

next page are you serious yeah next

page you like him though

i do like him but that’s

bullshit the dude needs to

learn how to fucking use twitter

well how you supposed to do if you don’t reply

direct messages but to all

those people if you’re

gonna if you’re

gonna really

all our time we don’t care what this

answer this question is that if you do yeah but there

are messages

the problem with the

direct messages

is that you can’t everybody else can’t see it and

one one of the cool

things about

kevin smith is that like well i

think maybe

just before following

kevin smith

and you get to see

everybody saw

kevin smith responded to you well dude this

video type shit then and

reply at all you know like a go okay here’s our next

person from twitter why can’t you just let the dude

because it just ruins

everything else i hate it

i met kevin

smith and he’s cool as fuck

so i was cool as

fuck that i’ll

never unfollow him

he could put pages of shit on my twitter

and i will i will keep it

going dude i love the dude

i love the dude but that’s just uncalled for

what do i think of ben

stein calling

ron paul anti semitic i don’t think

about it at all it’s hilarious there’s two old queens

i would love to see ben

stein and ron paul suck at each

other’s cops yeah

i would pay a thousand dollars for that

video have you

seen bruno yet no

i have that on

video too it’s something i

haven’t watched dude

watch it and it’s

that whole part with

ron paul in it ever

since i’ve seen

it i always look at him and he looks like an old

queen to me now ever

since then ron paul yeah

just how he handled that he hit it like

he can’t i don’t know

well he’s super religious

so right possibly he’s gay

right if you’re really intelligent and yet

super religious i always

gotta go all

right what’s

going on what you doing

belong guys what you doing it’s weird

yeah there’s something

wrong with either

money or gay

you’re really

intelligent and you’re really buying into it

and this is not saying you know

that there’s no god it’s not saying that there’s no

this is not something else i’m the

first one to say that i don’t know i have no idea

but i’m also the

first one to say that you don’t know either

and anybody that pays

any attention to religion or follows religion at all

and looks at the history of religion knows that it’s a

it’s a disjointed

mess and nobody even knows the origins of all this

stuff and nobody knows

how much people altered the words and

what we do know

about it is

that even the

bible itself the oldest version the

bible didn’t even use the dead sea scrolls

that’s the oldest version of the

bible by far they don’t even

they don’t even use that

wouldn’t you

think that’s like the best one

that’s like the purest version of it

now we’re still busy

using the new testament

the new testament was created by constantine and a

bunch of bishops

they piled it together in the old testament

well the old testament the

real version of it was written in ancient hebrew

and to this day in 2009

they only know

three out of four words in ancient hebrew

that’s 25 fucking

percent of the words

they don’t know what the fuck it means

and on top of that letters also

doubled as the numbers back then because

there was no numbers

so the letter a was

also like the number one like if you did it that way

so there was like numerical

value to words that was

completely lost

when they translated

ancient hebrew to

latin and then to greek

so like the

word love and the word god they have the same

numerical value

so we don’t

even really know what the fuck they were saying

so no i’m not saying

that there’s no god that there’s not something else

what i’m saying is to follow

current religion

as it’s you know practiced and preached

today it’s ridiculous

it’s ridiculous

so if ron paul’s really into that come on

big old queen

what is he doing what’s

ron paul big old

queen look if he just came out and said he’s a big old

queen i would

still vote for him and i think he’s a bad motherfucker

i would like to see if somebody really

tried to get in there

and shake up the system and change the way you know

the world is run and keep us out of other countries and

demolish the irs and

get rid of the cia and

it’d be fascinating


to see if someone

can actually do that and not get killed i don’t

think they could

you have a kindle

yeah i got a kindle

what just wondering i just got one of those

sony readers for christmas

it’s cool because google bought

all these books so

i don’t know if you can do this with a kindle

or not but with the sony one you can just go to google

and download all

these free books andre

really and they have your

issue of kung

fu magazine

or whatever

karate magazine

black belt oh that i was in yeah they have that

you just and so that’s the sony

reader you can go and get that so you can get any book

basically for free

well not any book

but any other ones on google has a

ton of books but they’re all

old school out of

print books

i think it has

to be out man

i got the kindle and i couldn’t get any hunter

s thompson books

not really like one book that he

wrote that was for sale

but they didn’t have the great

shark hunt they didn’t have go to

google com books

and see if they have it there and you just download it

i don’t know if it works on kindle though probably

kindle reads pdf files it does but

when it reads pdf files

doesn’t let you enlarge the text

which is so

annoying oh you can do that on the sony

jesus shit i got the wrong one

no i don’t god damn it

still better probably

and our question

earlier when we were talking

about can poker

can these bots

you know on poker

sites poker j

who’s john carlos alvarado

who’s on the roben board says

poker sites

catch bought to the program

that can see if you

click the same pixel

every time you make a move

something that’s impossible to do by a human oh

that’s why you have the program

go over a couple pixels

yeah every time

brian would

change the program

so you figured it out already the

thing sucks

how was the shit i just took it was excellent

did i really forget everything i

learned during the taekwondo days no

i still remember some taekwondo

stuff some stuff taekwondo is effective

you see kong lee uses a lot of taekwondo

he used a lot of turn side kicks and

front leg side kicks and

front leg roundhouse kicks where he doesn’t

switch the legs

there’s a lot of power in that stuff

it’s just it’s not complete

taekwondo needs

other things and needs more

time wrestling and jiu jitsu and all that stuff but

it helps there’s some

stuff in it that’s it’s different

you know the the style of

like karate

that machida uses like

the leaping in and leaping out nobody knew that that

would work before

because no one was ever good at it that it was good at

other stuff as well

and i think that’s

sort of the same

thing with kun

lee and taekwondo

these questions all suck go back to twitter

suck cock on my website

guys are a bunch of gay ass

motherfuckers stupid ass questions

i have the same questions with the same people

circumcised here’s a good question

would you get your kids circumcised

in this day and

age because most guys in america are cut

no i am not

gonna if i have

a boy this new baby we don’t know what it is yet

we’ll find out soon

and if it’s a boy i’m

gonna let him

have a big elephant dick you’re disgusting dude

what do you

care what my baby’s dick looks like i’m

gonna have to

fuck is i’m

gonna have to

watch a lot of

video of it no

no i mean i was

thinking of that just the

other day so

funny why would

this person ask

that your dick

comes out a certain way

i’ve seen your

tiny pornos

and it covers it like a turtleneck

yeah have you ever

seen porn just felt bad for the poor guy

gets a fucking

creep dick yeah we

talked about

bad circumcision

have you talked to girls

about this i don’t give a fuck

girls are like oh my god he had an uncircumcised

dick it was so disgusting that

causes chances i’ve talked to girls that

have sucked uncircumcised dicks and they don’t care

really it’s a little different yeah

yeah any girl that

would care is a cunt

it’s good to keep cunts away from my boy

some picky cunt who

doesn’t like a uncircumcised dick and what’s your

why do you just

think it’s just mean this is

ridiculous it’s a totally unnecessary and

it feels better

supposedly do you need i don’t need help coming faster

it’s not about

coming faster

it actually feels better it’s more sensitive

it’s not whether

or not you come fast you actually is more

enjoyment silly man

i’m not getting my fucking

kids or tickets

this is ridiculous i hate

i’m so weird i’m so glad

i’m just like

that’s something i

think every day i’m like thank you dad for oh my god

you know there’s websites out there where dudes try to

regrow their skin it’s a long term process

to re circumcise their dick they stretch it out

they have like little things like an attachment

it’s clip onto the tip of your dick

it gets more they get more infections in

like dirt inside there

and it’s like

if you haven’t clean your dick that’s my

answer to that clean your fucking dick

look how hard is it to wash a dick i hate

dirty dick people should not have

no circumcisions

if you’re a

cleanly person like you should be like my boy will beat

he will have an uncircumcised dick god damn it

have you ever

i think we already talked about that what

have you ever

ate out a girl that had really long pussy lips

yeah i like that

there’s one way that i get stretched probably that far

it just was like chewing gum

when it was in your mouth

do do do do do do do

see this is too old these questions are like old

this is like an hour ago oh no that’s the song mark

hayden funny his twitter sure is

his twitter is the bomb diggity

what is it the mark hayden

that i think he changed it to the denmark gate

in i’m starting to think it’s not real

what do you mean who

changed the name of it i don’t know

no did someone change the name of it

whoever’s doing it

then why would they do that man we got a thing going on

motherfuckers what are you doing

do you think on a lifetime

microchip system like to do with dogs

where it scan

instant access yeah i think that’s gonna happen

yeah i think i

think it’s very possible there’s

gonna be some sort of a microchip thing

where human beings are gonna be

scanned into a database

the real problem is there’s so many fucking people

there’s so many

goddamn people how do you do that how do you keep

track of it who’s

gonna watch it

like people

say oh man what if your

phones are bugged

who’s bugging

these phones

and workers government workers how many

people are they watching

there is a one person for

every person out there

they just circling

on you because they know you sell pot like come on man

how many fucking people are out there that

could actually be monitoring people’s

phones well now they have the technology

where they can just sit there and record

every single

phone call and it

transcribes it like dragon

speak but times 50

technology and it pretty much looks for keywords like

money drug you know

yeah that’s that makes

sense i’ve heard that before there’s

things like

video programs like was it called predator

or something like that they had one yeah that was a

would go through the internet and let’s

search for like al qaeda

search for terrorists

search for certain specific keywords

peak oil versus science

you know what man i think they’re

gonna figure out some other shit besides oil

i think it makes sense i

think you know

there’s a lot of stuff they

could do with agriculture there’s a lot of stuff they

could do with hydrogen there’s a lot of stuff

it’s just we

could have come up with something else

it’s just we got bamboozled into

going the way the oil because it was easy and

cheap and it was already in place

and we stayed with oil but

i don’t think society’s gonna

crumble because we run out of oil i

think we’ll come out with something just as good

you hear those new

mini coopers

in the cold the electric ones

in cold weather

it only gets half the power

how big is that

that’s ridiculous yeah

because they’re only good for like a hundred

miles as it is

right so in cold weather goes for fifty miles

fifty miles

that makes sense

because your battery’s

more dead in

the cold weather

oh what piece of shit yeah but imagine buying that car

that’s an expensive

car imagine you know what top gear did

you know that show top gear

the bbc awesome show they

took one of

those priuses an electric car

and they drove it around a

track with a

priest is a hybrid right

they drove it around a

track with an m three

and all the m

three had to

do was keep up with the prius that’s all i had to do

the prius go went full

blast on the

track and the m

three obviously

much much faster car all i had to do is keep up

the prius got thirteen

miles to the gallon and the

m three got nineteen

so when the prius

drives hard it’s just as much of a piece of shit

as you know any

other car it’s like it’s it’s nonsense it’s like

it’s it’s fake being green and

apparently it’s much more

toxic to the environment to create a prius and

i thought i thought how it worked is prius is only

are electric under 25 miles an hour something like that

yeah for stop and go traffic it’s it’s

it’s running off battery over that just a normal car

that makes sense yeah

and over that as a normal car it’s terrible

yeah yeah it’s just a small shit terrible

goddamn piece of shit

that was bebe jones with the circumcision question

it’s a weird

yes i was just thinking that the

good question man that’s a good question that’s

that’s a weird thing with people i did really

worry about what your kids dick looks like did it start

well i i just think every day how how

thankful i am

you’re so silly

if i had your little dick i would cry myself to

sleep over you see

somebody posted this on the board today

about indian men

and that there’s like some what is it one

sixty percent

of indian men i don’t know

if this is a true statistic somebody i’ve been rocked

posted it so

tell you what a

grain of salt

60 of indian men cannot use a

standard condom

one in five condoms fall off during intercourse

so this is from the

bbc is it true

i don’t know we’re

gonna go to it

damn the bbc

we need to go to

india dude and fuck some women

wow it really is wow it’s true

survey of more than a thousand men in india

concluded that condoms

made according to international sizes are too

large for the majority of indian men that’s crazy

that’s sad as a magnum user i feel for you bitch

wow scientists even checked their sample

check to see if their sample was representative of

india as a whole in terms of

class religion and urban and rural dwell dwellers

so even like the peasants

you know even the the slaves in india have little dicks

so sad at least the peasants in america like

the lower class in america

are generally thought to have the biggest dicks

right slaves

back in the day when they had

slaves those guys almost had monster horse dicks yeah

how many white women do you think fuck slaves back then

oh snuck in tons of do you think they did yeah yeah

when their husbands stop fucking them right yep

snuck in and just got some

alabama black snake

how many white women do you think had babies with

slaves back then

think that happened there was a lot of dead babies

really i bet

well there was a lot of white guys who would fuck their

black slaves that was very common

and have babies with their

black slaves

what a fuck that must have been how

weird must that have been to the guy

who was the father

would fuck the slave have a baby with the

slave the slave would have his baby and he

would see this half white baby

and he would just leave the half white baby with the

slaves and let them take care of it

he wouldn’t even

bring it in as his kid just because of a race thing

that must be

that must have been fucking enough talk

about like haunting your conscience

ooh how weird is witch

trials you know the old school witch

trials where they would like weigh witches or

it still goes on today you know in africa yeah

in africa they

still have a

huge problem with people accusing people of

being bewitched

video where they caught

them on fire and they’re just sitting there on fire

beating with

sticks and kicking them this is real recent

there was a

here i’ll put it on twitter i

wrote a blog

article about it

that’s one of the worst

videos that in the hong kong girl snorting herself to

death yeah there’s that

video that you can see this hong kong girl

she snorts this gigantic line of ketamine

ketamine is a fucking

cat tranquilizer

and a lot of

crazy kids are doing this

and she snorted this gigantic line for a

video and then

wound up dying and the

video is available online

along with the store

trying to find the

i want to put that article online

that i that i wrote about i think it was called

humanity gone haywire i think that was the

that was the name of the article

but it was all

about how nutty it is

that there’s this like real problem they have right now

don’t know when that was from there’s no search option

my blog archives are gay mm hmm

that there’s no search option

it’s weird i have a search option this is terrible

what’s joke for

tell you dude

look at that my fucking website is

this is way better yeah

google is way better for searching than

my own website fucking website

my website is being redesigned right now people

you’ve been saying that for

eight years yeah it’s been being

redesigned for eight years

it’s all true god damn it

let me find out the

twitter this bitch



stuff okay here’s

alright everybody cause we’re gonna do

all right i put it

i just put it up on twitter

if you’re bored

and you want to read the thing about witchcraft

watch the video if it’s

still there it’s really creepy

you know a funny thing about witchcraft in america

like everybody knows about the salem

witch trials

what i read

the biggest

connection they

have to what what happened there and then why

everybody thought they were being possessed and there’s

witchcraft going on and

was that there was a late frost

and that the

wheat got frozen

and when it thawed out

apparently when that happens when there’s a late

frost and wheat

freezes and thaws out

it grows a certain

fungus on it

and this certain fungus is called

ergot and ergot

has it’s like really similar

or identical rather chemically to lsd

so when they

would take this

bread that they

would make from this

wheat that had grown

this fungus on it

these people

would fucking trip

their balls off they

would have these crazy

horrifying bad acid trips so they

literally thought they were

under a spell

which totally makes sense

and they just

started burning bitches

and women always want

to say that it’s you all you know men were you know

back then you know men were

the the spell that a

woman would cast upon her

you know upon him with her beauty

was just too perplexing and the men couldn’t deal with

the fact that

women had all this

power so they killed them

eh come on guys have been raping

chicks forever

it’s obviously

gonna stop back then

there’s this is not that much

this not that perplexing it’s

guys want to

shoot a load they

shoot a load you know

guys want to

shoot a load they jerk off

they don’t want to

shoot a load anymore

you know it’s

they’re not

gonna start

burying people

because they want to fuck them i don’t believe that i

think it’s a much more likely

scenario that this fungus

grew on this

wheat because they had already they’d

taken soil samples

and so they had known

from their you

know whatever

climatological studies that they used to figure out

how cold it was during a specific time there was a late

frost there was some evidence that there was a late

frost and this

ergot was also

found somehow or another

during this time period so

i think it’s just speculation but it’s much more

educated speculation than the idea that the men were

under the spell of

these women they decided to kill them

that doesn’t make any sense

i think they probably did the acid from the

wheat and then killed the cunts

that’s probably what it was

you know that’s why i was a

witch trial

those probably the cuntiest

women in the town

they probably just let’s cook

these major bitches yeah

like these chicks are bad energy

like you’d be around like

fucking bitches giving me bad vibes

you know because you’re all acided out

and they probably just

started lighting them on fire like

fucking let’s kill this

bitch why are we having her around

imagine if that’s

where the witch

trials were

around maybe like

afterwards people were so nice

they killed all the cunts off

can you imagine that

is that possible

ladies and gentlemen

that makes all

the fuck is calling me during my goddamn podcast

tape flexer

now i’m on fucking you

stream bitch

how dare you

all right let’s go back to the questions

ladies and gentlemen

have i ever seen the

northern lights in iceland no i’ve

never seen them in purpose

so awesome i’ve

seen some shit online though it looks incredible

it’s like the sky becomes like a desktop


i’ve been seeing way more

falling stars lately

like it’s almost

getting to the

point where it’s kind of

ridiculous yeah it’s

maybe you’re coming

once a week

maybe i see it at least one

could you imagine

we know for me

it doesn’t seem like it’s real like you said and talk

about like asteroid impacts or

the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs

65 million years ago or the one that killed you know

everything before that the mass extinction before that

250 million years ago or

the one that

ended the ice age 10

500 years ago

there’s always speculation

about asteroids but the real reality is there are

hundreds of thousands of gigantic rocks in

space that can fuck us up

and every now and then one comes

crashing down it’s happened

many many many many many times

over the history of the life of the

earth it’s happened so many times

and it could easily happen

today it could easily happen tomorrow

you could easily

one that comes from behind the sun and we can’t see it

until it’s too late

and then boom

and just fucks the

whole world up that’s so possible

we don’t like to

think it’s possible because it’s

never happened

but i always like to

i always say it’s like an ant hill

that human life is like an ant hill

like if you

are an ant and you’re living

in an ant hill you were probably born in that ant hill

and that ant hill is all you’ve ever

known i mean

how long do

ants live like a week couple weeks

something like that

so say like this anthill has been around for six

months that’s been through the


after generations long dead

have made this anthill and then

you know you’re toiling away in your little anthill

and one day some kid is walking through the

field and he sees that anthill and just boom

boom just starts to

stomp on it for no fucking reason

and then your anthill is

crushed out of nowhere you

never thought it was

gonna happen

it’s always been fine

everything’s always been cool at the anthill

if you had to

take a guess and you had to make a gamble you

would say yeah yeah this anthill is always

gonna be here it’s always been here

always will be here bam some kid just

stomps the fuck out of it

that can happen to people that can happen to

earth katrina

katrina how

about detroit

it’s happening like that slow yeah

slowly somebody has a

magnifying glass on that

you right i

watched anthony bourdain had a show

about michigan the other

night and he was

there they were driving through

or botroy it

was horrible

terrible you want some anthony more ninja

it’s good show makes you hungry he goes oh

your food show yeah

eats always

no reservations

fucking shows

makes me so hungry

nasa says there’s

an asteroid with a possibility of hitting

earth in 2029

yeah there’s a

bunch of them out

there that they don’t know

about but they come

they come to the problem is the sky’s too goddamn big

i mean it’s

covering everywhere shit’s coming from the

north pole and the

south pole and

you never know

where something’s coming from i mean

it could be coming from anywhere

you never know there

could be something heading our way that

we haven’t picked up on

could be behind something we don’t see it

gravity distorts our view of

things as well if you look at the sun you can literally

look at the sun and the telescope you can see

things behind the sun

because of the distortion and

the gravity of the sun because it’s so massive i don’t

understand how that works but that

apparently is how it works and so there’s occasionally

things that

could be hiding behind something that’s

coming straight at us and we don’t even fucking see it

until it’s too late

you know there’s just not enough

human beings out there monitoring the sky to really

accurately predict

you know oh

we have a hundred percent clear

skies nothing’s

gonna hit us for the next

200 years they don’t know that

they can’t say that

there’s always something that comes real

close that just

barely misses us and they go whoa holy shit that was

three miles long

and it missed us by 200 000

miles that’s not much you know

okay let’s go to some questions you dirty bitches

nabiru in 2012 says the antichrist

so some people think did you see the 2012 movie yes

horrendously bad really bad not even worth

even the special effects sucked oh really they

were i mean it was awesome

things were happening but it didn’t look real

like the car

is a limo and it’s jumping

things and landing fine and driving off and it

looked all computer generated and silly

you know it’s like

every five seconds the fucking

you know the car was almost going off the

cliff but barely made it you know it’s like come on

stop stop with your nonsense

this guy here easy dog double o seven says

yeah i believe in god how did everything originate

but how did god start hmm

oh that’s an easy question how do you answer it god

the real problem is believing in anything

you know that’s that’s the real problem

real problem is believing in anything it’s not

believing in god or believe in

g the real problem

is believing in anything you don’t know

we don’t know

god created a really good

video game and we’re all in it

that’s possible

that this is like god’s version of the sims right

and this is on somebody’s

phone but wait

you know we’re not even like a good

video game we’re just like a fucking cell

phone you should

play when they kill time waiting in line to

right right

or break breaker or whatever it’s called

the real problem with believing in god

is that believing in god just makes people feel better

you know it’s not saying that god doesn’t

exist it’s very possible that god

exists but you

you don’t have that information

no one does you can decide

that you have that information because it empowers you

you can decide that there’s a god because

it makes you feel more comfortable

or it makes you feel

more you know that there’s a future to this

world and after you die

there’s something waiting for you and that gives you

confidence and that gives you that it can empower you

that works for a lot of people i know a lot of

fighters who are very religious and

that belief in god that actually empowers them and it

can work that way but it really is just

a tool it’s just a

psychological tool that they’re using

to empower them it

doesn’t necessarily help them

what helps them is the

state of mind

that they put themselves in by believing in god

you know it’s really kind of a funny

thing it’s a catch 22

believing in god can empower

you the ideas of christianity are very empowering ideas

the idea is that you know

love your man as if he is you and

look do unto

others as if you

would have them do unto yourself and

turn the other

cheek and don’t

be violent and be helping and be loving and

and be humble and worship god

the idea of

god what god is god is life and energy and the

whole universe and that you

treat the whole process as it’s one gigantic

fantastic thing

and that in

in going to

a religious service and practicing

you know any sort of religion and

like sticking to a certain ethic

the way you’re doing is committing to positive energy

and if you commit to that positive energy and then

those positive thoughts and the positive way of

thinking that’s empowering

and that really will help you

and if you really

do believe that you have a destiny and that god has

carved out this destiny for you that’s an empowering

thing that shit will absolutely

make you better

things you say

that’s evidence of god that’s evidence of

jesus well maybe

but more likely

it’s evidence that you put yourself in the

exact proper

state of mind to achieve things by

thinking positive and having positive energy and being

a loving christian by doing all those

things you put the good energy out there and you’ve

given yourself confidence

because you’re doing the

right thing

and you’ve given yourself a

strong belief in yourself because you’re following the

right path and in doing that that’s very empowering

that’s how god is real that’s how religion is real

but what it really all is at the

heart of it is you

tuning in to

the correct

frequency of the universe with the

least amount of resistance

the least amount

of that amount of resistance from you

the least amount of negative

thinking the

least amount of fret

when i was a

kid i’d get in arguments all the time with everybody

about anything and really

i was just a

knucklehead i was just a dumb fuck but

i didn’t realize

that by doing that by creating all this

drama in my life like i

i was just distracting

the shit out of me and it was keeping me from doing

things that i wanted to do

it was keeping me from being

happy and comfortable and friendly and

was keeping me from

like i was constantly in a

state of causing trouble

and causing

drama and creating all these

obstacles in my own life

and i didn’t realize it at the

time and i always thought of people that were religious

i just thought well there’s

gotta be a lot of

power in that because

like i was afraid of a dude who was

religious who was on

one of the us

taekwondo teams back when i was fighting

there was this dude

i think his name was

bobby clayton

and i think that’s his name

but he wasn’t the best guy but he was

crazy religious and that used to

scare the shit out of me

this dude used to read the

bible every day

and this dude was like

super super

super religious and he really believed in himself

and i was not very religious and

even though i was doing really well in

these tournaments and i was

beating a lot of really good guys there was something

about this dude and his religion that scared me

like on paper

he shouldn’t have been the scariest

guy to me but he was for whatever reason because

this dude was really religious so for you know

that belief that he had in himself

that the belief in his

faith and his

that all that shit was

is empowering

to him and i recognized that it was empowering to him

that he was really

legit about it

and that he was his

super religious behavior kid like he

was never he

never swore

he didn’t drink he was friendly to everyone

he was like really really really dedicated

and that was

that made me nervous

i think religion is empowering

brian has been a huge

advocate of

scientology ever

since he moved to hollywood

right i mean

tell us about your

experiences with


they’re sluts they’re easy

yeah they’re real easy to sleep with

really just have to trick them and

just a lot of positive energy and stuff

like that is that what you do yeah and you just take

their money and they sleep with it it’s great damn

do you hear that

is the scientology have a

thing with fucking you’re allowed to fuck now

you’re like

yeah it’s what is no you don’t have to be

married or anything no i don’t

think so yeah when any new religion comes around

you can’t be

nice i told us

by the way he’s lying

i think if i had to pick one religion

like if you had to do it i’d be buddhist

yeah that seems like

the one that makes the most

sense but the problem with

being a buddhist is you

gotta hang around with a bunch of fucking phonies

a bunch of people who are pretending to be buddhists

you know yeah they all smelly feet

yeah looks like

it’s like the idea of hippies it’s all

good on paper

but the real problem with hippies is

you know they don’t want to work

they’re fucking lazy and

stupid a lot of them and you know it’s like

the stereotypes of like the pot smoking lazy you know

nair do wells like that’s

that’s like accurate in a lot

of ways that’s the real problem with hippies you know

what’s buddhist

women look like i don’t

think i’ve ever seen a buddhist

woman do like

vegetarians all

right yeah do they have like bald heads

orange robes

ladies and gentlemen

i gotta take a shit

again so i can’t believe this we

ate sausage subs this

local place down the

street they’re a little bit too strong

too powerful five hundred

twenty four viewers

appreciate this i’ll be only a couple minutes but

brian will answer questions

while i’m gone

i’ll only be gone for a couple minutes my bathrooms

right down here i’ll be

right back all right

what’s the chemicals

for bod rail you asked what the chemical

structure on joe’s shirt on the spike comedy central

ask questions i’ll answer them

and you relay

what i’m saying how

about that that’s dmt now yeah

those shirts will be for sale soon

and those shirts will be for sale soon

joe have it on his website

they’re trying to get the website together to sell he’s

gonna have a

whole bunch of

different kinds of

shirts and clothing i guess

so that’ll be coming soon

it’s a whole clothing line

do you ever get tired of all these

stupid people asking you about drugs

i think you just get tired of

stupid people they don’t care about drugs

no he doesn’t get tired

beep beep beep beep beep beep

what else

a lot of the same questions

have you ever heard of yuri geller

that’s not one of the same ones

psychic there you go

should i take dmt

no you should

not take dmt if you’re asking joe on a twitter yeah

if you’re never mind um

are aliens among us yes they’re asian

yeah i think all aliens are asian or some kind of

breed of asian

because they’re just higher technology than

us regular white people

we’re more cavemen they’re more alien

see let’s go back to your rogan

board forums dot joe rogan net there’s a whole thread

with people asking questions on there also

i can can you

use you stream over the iphone yeah i believe so

but it’s probably only good if you use wi fi

what’s the best place you ever done stand up

there’s no one best

place my favorite places are austin texas

favorite places are austin texas


phoenix arizona phoenix arizona san francisco

san francisco too

columbus ohio is a good place too columbus ohio


any updates on brock

lesnar’s health as everyone’s asking

i haven’t heard anything about it i think it’s

going to take a long time for them to sort that out

he hasn’t heard anything new it’s going to take a

long time for them to sort all that out

it apparently is a pretty serious condition that he has

right ben you seem to be pretty much up on

technology what’s the single piece of technology

equipment that

would be available to the public you are most

excited about in 2010

i think a lot of people who know me i’m

excited for the new apple

tablet like an oversized iphone

so net books are so popular

right now and i just find that that’s just

going to be what’s next after netbooks and iphones

i’m back just took another tremendous shit

oh you trailed it in

brian said my shit stinks

which we know what do you expect man

is that bad yeah i like some alright

i’ll try to enjoy the liking all right

oh that’s great

you’re faking it

yeah i’m faking it why i shouldn’t have to fake it i

should just act like it’s mine

yeah why don’t you do that

okay it’s mine no it doesn’t work

it’s so stupid it should work

yeah you can’t trick yourself

what do we got here give me some watches

i think your twitter timed out on this page

did you see that cloud just flew through the room

i refresh this

this shows game is that your stomach or you burp i burp

we just ate at this italian

place down the street tremendous

sausage and pepper sub

we got like an east coast sausage and pepper sub in la

was it called caval

ready’s cavalry some of that oh oh

how many good fellows posters were in there thor

okay questions do you write

wipe from the front to back or back to front

that’s a good question i never thought about that

i’m a dude and i’m wiping my ass not my vagina

so i guess front to back do you stand up

yes will i wipe

yeah totally

dude you know we’re rare really most people sit down

when they wipe they can’t get the job i know i don’t

understand it also

you said you always pee sitting down

that’s kind of no

how dare you

how dare you i’ll tell you something

about my toilet

though that you probably didn’t want to know but

you probably already know if you follow me on twitter

you can’t first of all you can’t

flush those

flushable wipes that’s bullshit

they say you can

flush those things

yeah they’ll disappear

but they’re

gonna clog up your fucking toilet

those flushable butt wipes that

you get you

gotta use just toilet

paper well you’ve been getting

the flushable kind

the disposable kind yeah but they’re not they’re not

flushable cause

the first month of

using those i thought they were all

flushable and then i saw that little

picture on the back i’m like oh

clogged the shit out of your toilet but mine

mine got clogged up and they had to come and fucking

clean it out and rest you had cost a lot of money

but the big

thing is that i have a fucking

plant growing in my toilet yeah

you saw that shit

right yeah it was

ridiculous it was a gigantic tree that was growing

in my toilet like they

found roots

and they pulled it out and i put it up on twitter

i think a lot of people have seen it

let me see if i can find it

i’ll see if i can find it i’ll

throw the link back up

maybe it’s on my

flicker page

i mean it was so ridiculous

i mean it was so

ridiculous that i looked

at it and i was like how the fuck was that growing

inside my toilet

but i guess it was the

water you need to

start updating your

flicker brother i do right

see my photos tree i must

have had it up here i know i had it on twitpick right

maybe that’s

where it was yeah

these are my

snow and colorado photos yeah it’s on in here

i’ll put it up in a second

it’s good twist twist your twitter

we need some music in here no

why not that’s against all

what is it you’re streaming music

if i do this and i have music playing in the

background we can’t do it you’ll be arrested come on

really this isn’t it

it’s not a toothpick you know that’s the problem with

using all these different goddamn yeah programs

why frog or

i don’t know what the

other one is or how that other one works so fuck that

i’ll find it should back then you’ll

find it for you guys

toilet tree

i don’t even know where the fucking photo is

now i have to go to eye

photo i apologize for this ladies and gentlemen

this is not very entertaining isn’t it

you don’t even give a fuck

you do give a fuck when you see the picture though the

picture is just so ridiculous this goddamn

thing was actually growing inside my toilet bowl

it seems like it’s not gonna be worth the wait

is google toilet tree joe rogan

it would be out there i think so yeah

do do do do do

god damn this there it is look at this motherfucker

i mean come on man look at that fucking thing

that shit’s ridiculous

i gotta show you guys this this shit is ridiculous

it looks like a like a muppet real

it doesn’t even look real it looks completely fake

so now go back to flicker upload this shit

this is it’s

gonna be hard for this picture to live up to the hype

of me fiddling through my fucking computer for

five minutes trying to get this picture to you guys

but once you get the picture i

think you’ll appreciate what the fuck i’m saying

cause it’s so ridiculous that this

thing was growing in my goddamn toilet


what the fuck where is it i just explored it

very nice

alright it’s uploading right now thank you jesus

soon as it uploads

i’ll take the link my internet is so weak

why have you done this yet

what you do is make a call i’m a procrastinator

clearly make a phone call that’s all you have to do

i think i will you have to be here

it’s already six twenty so i’ll do it tomorrow

i’m gonna do it

ladies and gentlemen a lot of people talk

about upgrading the internet i’m gonna fucking do it

and i’m gonna do it for you guys

cause once you do that we could have

separate cams you know get have two cams we have a

third cam if we need to show something else

we have a third cam just be your desktop

so instead of having to upload all these

photos you can just show what’s on your desktop

why would i do that it’s easier that’s good whatever

shut up okay here’s the photo

all sizes big size copy

which bathroom was that the one in here yeah jesus

what do you think about the mayweather pac

man situation

i think they’re genius minus 38 really how

is there a tiny euro why isn’t it just do it for you

still tweet that

because it’s a

whack program

she their twitter program is whack

doesn’t even shrink your urls

who ever thought that would be a business

dude it’s gotten big we getting a tiny

url business yeah

what are you talking

about i’ll make people website names real small

yeah one of

who the fuck would ever thought there would be a

market for that

one of the websites i can’t remember i don’t

think it’s tiny url

but it’s one of them like

i almost got bought the

other day for like a couple million dollars

and that’s all it is is a url

short shorten

that’s hilarious

alright i put it up you fuckers

that’s another one that was growing

all right sorry for the long delay

that was ridiculous

wasn’t even that interesting

but it is kind of interesting i put the picture up

you can go see the

picture it’s on my twitter

what’s next after a weekly rogan podcast in the book

what’s next project

there are no next projects

this is about it this is

about all we’re gonna do

a weekly podcast

we’re doing a show for sony it’s gonna be called

l f m a o but now we

might have to call it something different yeah cause

we’ve been trying to

do it for like two years and now there’s a band called

lmao or something like

that they’re close

well we’ll come up with a name for it but it’s

basically interviewing comedians

by the creative process

and we’re also enter

in the middle of

coming up with another show

that it’s comedy related

that i can’t talk about

but should be fun

that and just more shows

more comedy more good

stuff is fear factor returning anytime no it’s not

no i heard there was a

rumor that no

yeah there was a

rumor for a

while they were

gonna try to

bring fear factor back

the fear factor when they canceled

it was kind of like

they could have kept it

going if they really wanted i

think that’s a show that

could come back easily

i do that shit

and if you did it without me

it wouldn’t have the flavor

yeah i’m sure it

would probably be

great if they did it with like

mario lopez no

you can’t pass up on that easy

money if you do that it’s a lot of

money god damn it

especially if you’re working with all the same people

again stuff i

might be willing to do it just for my kids

just put money away

what’s your movie kind of

october damn october

should i move to colorado i loved colorado man sideshow

sid said should i move to colorado i fucking loved it

i would still be there i didn’t mind a cold

i like the people

i like the sky i like the way

the fucking mountains looked i like the vibe

i liked everything

about it i liked it from me

creatively i liked living in colorado

but you know

when you have

a family you have children you have a wife and

it’s not that it’s not as easy as just me being by

myself it was out it was just me by myself i’d probably

still be there i’ll

still be on the top of that mountain but

she was not into it it’s just too creepy

when a dog got

eaten our dog got

eaten by a mountain lion

that’s not like

a rumor that actually happened dog got

eaten by mountain lion

and she’s bad driving in snow she

crashed the car so

it was a couple different things

and then she got pregnant

and the pregnancy

was the biggest reason why we had to move out of

colorado was because we were

living over 8 000 feet

above sea level

it’s really hot that’s like

we are 3 000 feet

above boulder

and it’s a really really

high altitude and when you’re pregnant it’s just brutal

really it’s not

good for you it’s unhealthy for you and for the baby

colorado is like one of the highest

states in the country that like one of the top

states in the country when it comes to premature births

and a lot of it is because the altitude

just you don’t get enough air up there

it’s just it’s

great for your conditioning but

it’s not not so good for

from being a pregnant

woman so all

those factors

i had to move out of

colorado but

if i could just be somewhere and live somewhere live in

colorado oh in a heartbeat

if i didn’t have to

travel stay in

colorado and you know deal

with snow when it comes hey you’re fucking snowed in

no big deal that’s that’s what it’s supposed to be like

the problem with me is i

travel all the time so

i would leave my wife and

leave the kids there

it’s not the same

by myself i’d have no problem with it i loved it

so if you are

gonna move somewhere and stay there i

would say yeah

colorado’s fucking badass

it’s my favorite

state do you

think there will be a time when all handheld

axes will have a pipe in them

like the tomahawk

is that what tomahawks were

there were a pipe and an

axe all in one

is that true

if that’s true the indians were

bad motherfuckers

i don’t think that

i think that dude just went to a renaissance festival

and carried away

because i mean if you think about it was a pipe

office well listen this is the beauty of the internet

right now we’ll google this

did tomahawks have pipes on i think there

might have been a couple that did but i don’t

think the majority of them

well i speculate let’s find out

that just doesn’t seem right

it seems like it would just make that the weapon

weaker having a hole through the middle of it yeah

that’s true it’s good point

maybe it’s enough

yeah make hype tomahawks let’s say pipe axis

the crazy crow trading post show me a pipe axe

are these really pipes

historically accurate pipe

axes we have

spent years

researching and manufacturing the finest line of

throwing tomahawks

pipe tomahawks

belt and camp

axes available today

did you even know there was a

market for that kind of shit

that’s the beautiful

thing about the internet

let’s see what this

thing looks like i don’t see the pipe part

where’s the pipe part

hand drilled for smoking wow

sounds like hand forge iron head

drilled for smoking so basically the pipe is this

you put some tobacco up in that

bitch right there and you smoke right out of there

or do you smoke out of here no i think you

smoke out of there

wow well since it

seems like it

make the handle

weaker and the weapon weaker yeah it’s what

definitely would right

but this seems like it’s like really hard wood

look at this one’s got a metal

piece through it

original eighteen hundred to eighteen

twenty five believe to belong to red cloud

wow that’s pretty dope red

cloud it didn’t

think it out

dude i think we should

start smoking pipe from a fucking tomahawk

we gotta order one of those

come on man we’ll do the podcast will smoke

out of that that’s that’s

ladies and gentlemen what say you on twitter i need to

order this right

i’m gonna order this add to

basket listen

click that’s right

let’s add it to the basket

all right i’m will

check out now i’ll

check out later

because i don’t want you guys to get bummed out at me

it was boring enough looking for that toilet tree

coming up on two

hours we just make this two hours

you think why getting

bored huh you don’t like it anymore no i just

think we keep it to

someone doesn’t

have to do another video

someone doesn’t

think it’s fun anymore

let’s go back

471 motherfuckers

in here we lost a lot of people for being really boring

two hours of

things just

about right

you want them wanting more or not less

is that what we want

ladies and gentlemen

is that is he

right is he correct

i know two hours what is it

where’s the time on top left with

everything in

light is right up here

yeah we are

i think after two

hours also doesn’t save

maybe or something i think

after charge people

start hating us yeah

fucking faggots got nothing to talk about

boring as shit

so so far we’ve answered questions

we put photos up on twitter

we’ve talked about some heavy subjects

what more do you need ladies and gentlemen

we’re all living in an alien’s petri dish says

dawkins 20 maybe

you know that’s possible

is time illusion

shred 431 wants to know if time’s an illusion i don’t

think it’s an illusion

i just don’t think time is just one thing

you tell that to david copperfield hmm

everything’s an illusion

i think time is you know

i mean we already

know that time changes when you go fast

like if someone’s in a

super fast spaceship

you know and they go at the

speed of light like

time goes by much quicker on

earth and doesn’t in

their plane

so if they come back and they’re

super fast spaceship

you know for them it’s only been a year but for us it

could be like

a hundred years depending on how far and fast they go

so time moves

in a way that i don’t i don’t i don’t

think it’s the way we look at it i don’t

think it’s as

cut and dry like you know

this is midnight and this is one o’clock i think it’s

it’s much more dependent upon the

state that the

human being is in like the the

frequency the person’s in

where the person’s living

you know that you’re living on

earth you know

this dimension

you know that there’s

the time varies

throughout other dimensions

and you can access

those dimensions

i mean if they really do come up with

ships that can fly through

space at you know

close to the speed of

light or something they really will be able to go

to a place where they’re literally

going forward in time

they all have

lived one year they come back to

earth and hundreds of years have gone

by that’s just that’s nutty shit and that’s real you

know i don’t think we

understand time enough

i think time is one of

those things that

we think we got a grip on what it really is

but it’s probably

far more complex and confusing and variable than we

think i think we

should get rid of daylight

savings time because i

think it’s bullshit that it’s fucking

pitch black outside and it’s only

6 30 yeah she’s

absolutely right fuck

farmers they’re all fucking

thiefs what

how dare you no but seriously i

knew a giant

watermelon camp hater back then it made

sense because everybody was a farmer you know

everything had to do with farmers

nowadays why didn’t they just get up earlier get it

i don’t get

everything it makes sense

i think you know if you have a regular job

you know sometimes it’s dark out sometimes it’s

light out the fucking

earth spins that’s what i love about arizona

the arizona they don’t change their time

like fuck you yeah

no it’s stupid

what they need

to even do it better than that they need to like really

fuck it up like i want it to be bright out till like

nine to ten o’clock at

night don’t you

think that’d be cool yeah but then it

would be dark out

until like noon

yeah but that’s fine no

that’s retarded

you’re just as retarded as that

that makes no

sense most people

would rather like to have a daylight out

most people

would rather

have daylight when they get off work or anything

i think that’s silly

i think it’s silly

i spelled twitter long while i link i know i did

i don’t think i could fix it though it’s too late

it is it is what it is

now you don’t get there what are you doing

another program

oh that’s right

that’s it this little motherfucker right here

chicks are shit

right on the right

it’s not

yeah it’s just understanding the whole thing

why is it not showing the whole

thing because it’s like two lines you know what i mean

if you hit the right button


say it right yeah

put it a joe like

yay i fixed that shit didn’t change oh good

all right

this guy’s trying to be funny

steve wizzy trying to be funny steve wizzy

says besides carlos monsea who your other favorite

you don’t like christmas see you that way

that’s what doesn’t make sense he’s being a silly goose

my favorite comedians though for real

are guys who i look forward to seeing like louis ck

david tell doug stanhope definitely


chad williams

the other day

see him live only see him on

video cat williams was on

tmz yesterday just got out of

jail or something like that and they they he got in a

fight at a bar and he had a gun in his pocket

like it he’s crazy

cat’s crazy

he’s crazy for real

i want to eat that dude

i thought i like his comedy

i think he’s very funny

you ever listen to him on

grand theft auto no she good yeah

he does like the voice

well no they have a comedy club in grand theft auto

i like it

if not telepathy what’s next for human evolution

johnny bananas 21 wants to know

boobs for men

if not telepathy

what’s next for human evolution

probably a reversal

if if not telepathy

if we where i can i think we’re in a race right now

between technology and retards between

technology and caveman style living

you know they’re talking about invading pakistan

invading yemen and more war and more craziness

you know we’re at a crossroads

and i think we could either get hit by a meteor

or blow ourselves up or

figure out the next level figure out

what what’s gonna take human beings

from where we are to the next

stage of existence which is like a real thing

i mean i think we’re really going to evolve

we’re really moving towards something new

you know i think that’s what this

this frantic fucking society we live in is all

about i think we’re pushing and moving toward

something all working together

towards something and i think it’s gonna be

technology driven

so it’s one of those things either that’s

gonna happen there’s gonna be some sort of a



connection that all people

all the sudden share some sort of a

some sort of a convergence

of all human being it’s either

gonna be that or

it’s gonna be we blow ourselves

up or a meteor fucks us up or yellowstone explodes

and we start from scratch you know

what if what if

in the future the

first robot to get pregnant

imagine imagine you figure out a way to get

machines so

closely tuned into human beings

that you can fuck them and get them pregnant yeah

i think that’s very possible man

don’t you anything’s possible

at this point

that’s not that crazy

you know i mean they can make so many

things artificially they figured out a way to make pork

in a laboratory

actual the meat they

could take some

of the meat from a pig and then make it a laboratory

the problem

is it’s not it’s really like mushy because it

doesn’t exercise at all and it’s not like it’s not

taught sinew

but they’re trying to figure out a way to

maybe electrically exercise the muscle

you can literally

like just make gigantic like rooms full of meat

you know that

doesn’t even have a life attached to it

if they can do that

if they can do that why can’t they if they can

figure out a way to grow meat why can’t they

figure out a way to make an artificial

human being

that’s gonna be just like

blade runner though they’re

gonna be all sad and shit

you don’t wanna kill you

you know mean you have to give emotions

if you don’t give them emotions then

you know they can’t

relate to people that can’t

empathize with people

then they just go on mad raping and killing sprees

cause if you make artificial people if you make them

they get hard on some shit

you know my

calculator has a boner

fuck by a robot imagine

i mean if you make the females you can make males too

like for like old gay dudes

you know like dude

dudes would want you know like to have a

robot fuck doll

right but gay dudes

would want some

robot gay dude that they can fuck

you know imagine if they

could make a

real live like say if there’s a guy who’s your neighbor

who was really creepy and he was

fixated on you

and he make a

robot that looks

exactly like you and just fuck it all day long

and punch it and tie it up and shit on its head

and there’s nothing you can do

about it so

literally next door

to your fucking

house this guy’s like putting the

robot head out

the window and waving to you look i’m pissing his mouth

and it’s like you but it’s a fake you

and he’s just fucking it up all day

how disturbing

would that be there’s nothing you can do

about it you have the

papers on this it’s not a real human sir

and they shows the

papers okay

i guess it’s a robot

i mean if it’s a robot

right look if i have a grappling dummy in

my garage that i use and i practice my jujutsu

you know and you

could practice positions on it

it’s called a bubba

dummy it’s a gracie

you can buy from

the gracie academy in torrance

they’re the ones who

start selling

their website i forget what the website is

but if you look up bubba

dummy it’s a

dummy that’s just designed for jiu jitsu

and we filmed once

playing around remember we were

in the garage

we were beating the shit out of it and kick it in

what if that was a real person

i mean it’s a

dummy that we

made but what if it’s a

robot person

what if there’s like a

robot person that you

could practice

jiu jitsu on you

could rape him

you could punch him in the face

you could just beat the shit out of him you

could chop his arms off he’d be

screaming and yelling

and the cops come and go look it’s a fake person

yeah but the laws

would have to probably change that artificial

intelligence is just the same

you know because then i mean

yeah because i mean a dog

isn’t as smart as a

human but you’re not

allowed to chop

the dog’s legs off and

stuff if you make a robot

that has artificial intelligence it’s still

going to be considered artificial intelligence i think

yeah but do you

think that they’ll

treat it the same way as a

human being like

i think it changed the laws it’ll be like murder

right i think if it can

think it’s gonna be considered life but

before they figure that out there’s

gonna be a oh yeah

a couple years of master me next to

have a direct replica of you and he’s

gonna fuck its

mouth right in

front of your window

he’s gonna blow an air horn

look out the

window what the fuck is he doing you looking he’s

fucking your head right

and you think

about it like what if that was me

what if i was the duplicate

and the real me was

watching me get raped

it’s weird shit that

could be real that could be real

that could really be a possibility

you know what i’m surprised is that there’s not

technology yet where we can i could

have a program

and type out shit

and make it sound exactly like you yeah like you know

like you list your

voice and do the

exact levels

so like you can

prank call with your mom you know

stuff like that there should be that already there

should be that totally yeah why

haven’t they figured that out yet it seems easy

you know what’s really ridiculous too is that you

still have to sign

things you scribble

your name how

dumb this is

stupid cause i mean i write taco i write penis

they don’t even care they don’t look at they don’t

check your id

no and i don’t sign my credit cards

i guess if you look at my driver’s license

i scribbled my name on that

similar scribble

but what are these fucking people that work at

target are they scribble

experts yeah they can look at that

scribble i don’t know it’s just not the same guy yeah

sometimes i write full sentences honest to god

yeah it’s ridiculous

how is that

still around you

write something

with your name and that’s legally binding

if you write something with your name you know i mean

like you know when i got

married i had to get a

marriage certificate

you had a right

scribble that’s it

that’s what

ties you up now when you

write in with

your right hand

i would do that

see i would

write this is not real

because in it

if i get a divorce i go no sir if you could see i

wrote this is not void on it

that was not

valid maybe

maybe you could say

it’s like shit

and i could say well we have

we have the

documents you sign then you look at and go look what i

wrote yeah it says this is not real you

know maybe just

sign i do not

agree to this i’m a gun is being held up to my head

right now yeah so much

they have my dog hostage

robots will have rights after a

while see that’s a guy i watched that will smith movie

ai no yeah i

remember ai

so they need to make an ai movie like with the kid

but like like you know sex

was it i am robot yeah i am robot

that was that was pretty good

that’s a good movie

everything was mac remember all the

robots look like max yeah

does gilbert i have a chance

against those santos this guy’s talking about

you against ufc

does that when you leave

you won’t talk about ufc

we’ll answer one ufc question yes he does gilbert

ivel is dangerous he’s

a really good

striker he’s a dangerous motherfucker

and he knows this is a big opportunity for him he’s

gonna come charge and guns blazing

don’t you think it’s stupid when people ask who’s

gonna win the fight because obviously it’s a

fight for a reason meaning

that there’s not an obvious winner of this fight

so most of the

time it’s not an obvious winner but most of the time

i mean there’s a lot of times when

everybody agrees that a certain guy’s

gonna win i mean it

doesn’t mean that you’re right

but in this

fight this guy

doesn’t know that much

about this gilbert

ivo guy probably and you know he wonders i

think gilbert’s got a real good chance

he’s dangerous if he

trains hard if he’s in real good shape he’s

very very dangerous he

knocks a lot of guys out his

knockout of gary goodrich in

pride was like one of the most


knockouts ever

head kicked him boom

one shot like ten

seconds into the

fight put him to sleep he’s

you know those

questions though you can

ask a dog to bark once for yes and bark two for no and

have the same percentage of the outcome of the question

you the answer that you know what i mean

like if you say yeah that person’s gonna win

i never say

someone’s gonna win

right but someone’s

i’ll tell you if someone’s

good or not you don’t know if someone’s gonna win

okay no more

sports questions

order it i’m

gonna order that

the tomahawk pipe

next broadcast hopefully if they get it to me in time

we will have a tomahawk pipe i

think that’s

a fucking awesome item like you need another pipe

i need a tomahawk like a


that would be kind of cool

because especially

since it’s a direct replica

of something from a dude

named red cloud oh there you go look at

those fanny packs they have oh they have a

sweet fanny pack look at that it’s made out of a

quilt oh that’s like a shoulder bag i don’t do

shoulder bags that’s a goddamn purse

okay fanny pack is fucking manly

that’s a manly shit

alright let’s go to the rogan

board and see

questions yeah why is fanny pack manly

i’ll tell you why fanny packs manly

because if you’re wearing a fanny pack

first of all you’re saying i don’t give a fuck what you

think about how i look

you know you just slapping this big

stupid gay thing around your waist

and like whatever i have two hands free and i’m

happy i’m not trying to look good for you

i’m not trying

to fuck you i’m not trying to get you to be my friend

i like having all my shit in a bag that

trying to get laid

yeah i’m not trying to get laid

so people talk

about oh man how can you wear fanny pack that’s okay

it’s a bag that connects to my waist

this is silly

the only reason why you don’t

think it’s good looking is because women

think it’s disgusting

and women think it looks gay

so women have

figured out a way to bully guys

into not wearing it by telling us it looks gay

why would you care what kind of a bag another man wears

dear unless he’s wearing a

bright pink

hello kitty

strap it covers up your crotch yeah

it does cover up my crotch it’s

right there

so if there’s like a micrometeor that comes from outer

space and could potentially

hit me in the dick it’s

gonna hit my cell phone

first or perhaps my wallet

it’s right there it’s easy for

travel when i go to the airport i unbuckle that

thing bang put it on my car keys are in there my cell

phones in there who

fanny packs are the shit son

that yeah

that would be cool if gay people love the

smell of farts

those didn’t enjoy

talking about that for a while

this fellow says when are you

gonna come to the east coast of canada

i don’t like the east coast camp i’m just kidding

we were in montreal

last april that was fun

i’ll be back

i’ll definitely be back up there

all right page two

we’re going to the rogan

board right now to answer questions

what do i think

about jersey shore

i don’t like jersey

shore as much as i thought i

would like it because i knew too

many dudes like that growing up to me it’s like more

annoying and stupid

it’s fun for a couple

seconds so your fist pump you know

but after a

while it’s just it’s fake

this is my theory

have i told you my theory no i

think kind of like when the hills

first came out

everyone thought that was real

then slowly

got to the point

where everyone figured out it was

a fake show that’s filmed to look real

i think jersey

shores real

yeah they’re

way too dumb to ask but did you know half of them are

like like male

strippers that had to audition like they’re all in the


field it’s called jersey

shore instead of the hills

you know i bet you anything in

three years to that yeah

i bet you anything

and they all live in this

house this really nice like real

world house

yeah you know what i mean but

that’s the real people

right it’s really a genius

show if you look at it that way

right but i

think in three years we’re all

gonna be like

knowing it’s fake like that

fight somehow is fake and

everything really

it wasn’t fake when that dude

punched that girl in the face yeah

unless that

chick is like a

you know stump

woman and they fucking

practiced it for like 50 years you know

if they practice the punch a lot you know hmm

i mean you look at movies you look at that

punch it looks real they filmed it like to look fake

hmm i think that dude got drunk and punched that

bitch in the face

listen someone said

would i have full blown aids or

spend one year in mark hayden’s body pick one

mark hayden’s body

you know what

full blown aids you could recover from

you know being

one year in mark hayden’s body it

would probably be torture

dude i think full

blown aids if you take

your vitamins probably be okay in a couple of weeks

dude you spend one year in mark hayden’s body fuck

every chick you

could possibly fuck you’re not

gonna fuck any

of them aids you’re not

gonna fuck anything

and get out of anything

in mark hayden’s body

you don’t get aids in mark hayden’s body

you don’t even

understand the question

no i’m saying if you have one year in his body

you can just

abuse it like fuck and

get the fuck out of there one year that’s ridiculous

how dare you

let’s end this

let’s end this i will

couple more questions then we need the fuck out of here

i gotta admit some of

these questions are really lame but it

could be that we’re really high and they just seem lame

that’s a distinct possibility

that’s more coffee right now

i apologize for the wack ass internet

i really am gonna fix that

should i go at amp t uverse or should i go comcast

cable charter charter charter

does anybody know

wow this guy says i think red band’s life is fake how

about that fella children 2k

life is fake he says your life is fake

i think you said your face is fake

his face is his screen name is fake

look he doesn’t even have a picture

what’s this

die what would happen what

it’s fake anon

fake that’s not funny nope

this this is the laziest

rapist ever

dave broomfield at hotmail com says

hey joe rogan why don’t you

invite me to come trip with you in your isolation tank

how lazy is he

that’s not how you

stalk and rape somebody son

it’s gonna take it’s

gonna you have to be a little more clever than that

that’s ridiculous

fuck up guy this

look we got a fake brett rogers

hey joe rugby did you see my last fight

no fake brett rogers i didn’t

bret rogers is not on twitter

ladies and gentlemen that’s a fake brett rogers

the real brett

rogers is a bad motherfucker but that’s not him

but it was really funny when the fake bret rogers

was having an argument with a real

war machine

that was pretty funny

war machine didn’t get it

thought it was all really happening

brian you stopped talking a

while ago what happened have you given up on us yeah

i get to the cutoff point where i’m just

tired of staring at computer

well i have an accompanying

indian headdress to go with my tomahawk pipe

says a muse 90

so 94 yeah that’s a very good question

and i think

yes i think if we’re

gonna really

get in touch with

spirit world

we’re gonna need full indian attire you

think mm hmm

yeah we’re gonna need the whole

thing man we’re gonna need

feathers and shit and

the you know the correct

type of weed

that i make sure we only

smoke with the indian smoke

smaller condoms

small no not

those indians

american indians

not indian indians

did i see the girl

mosh pit i wash it for a couple

seconds but it was like

one of those

terrorist videos

where they cut some dude’s head off

after a while i like to shut it off

all right see if any of these questions don’t suck

i think if anything came out of this

somewhere someone right now is thinking

about designing

a robot where you clone your neighbor and make a

robot out of them and then fuck them and rape them in

front of them somebody

somebody is thinking about that and i think

if this chat has done anything good for the world it’s

introduced that idea that possibility out there

of making a clone of you

you know what’s gonna suck is we’re

gonna be like 90 years old and they’re

gonna make the perfect fuck robot

but we’re gonna be so old we’re not

gonna even care anymore

i don’t even want to

i’ll tell you that it was ruin my life

yeah yeah i

guess but they’ll probably have more problems

than we have now

you know we’ll probably look back on

these days and go

remember the

simple times you just get on the internet and

drive to work you have to

worry about

monsters and aliens and

ufos and fucking

you know the

hyena flu that’s killing everybody lately you know

that’s the next one something

scary like pig flu

doesn’t scare you

bird flu doesn’t scare

the fucking

hyena flu is gonna

scare the shit out of you

you know it’s a flu that came from

hyenas holy shit

yeah from from eating

their own young

they came up with a fucking

crazy new flu and it’s

everyone who gets it dies

everywhere will be keepers outfits everywhere

fucking masks first cat

in california last week got the first h one in one

really people to cat

so maybe it’s

gonna be cats we’re gonna have to kill our cats

something like that

after you have a baby cats become just really

annoying even

dogs are annoying like shut the fuck up they don’t

babies rule

dogs are still like

cats my cat started pissing in my office

right after my child was born

transparent little cunt

so obvious what you wanted

dirty little bitch

couple more questions here let’s go to the rogan

board see if we got a good question there

do you ever

get mad like in anything actually piss you off to the

point where

rogan smash

i get i get upset

it has to be pretty fucking

a bad situation get me that

upset i’m pretty rational when it comes to most things

i have a i mean

everyone has the ability to

freak out over something

just whether

or not you choose to let yourself get there

you know just gotta

make sure i

think the most important thing

about not getting mad is manage your biology you gotta

treat your biology like it’s a bank account

and if you have you know if you’re in debt

you owe it something if you know you’re overdrafted

you owe yourself an expenditure of energy

especially if you

have a certain type of body if you have a muscular body

if a person is

engaged in athletics your whole life

you have a body that’s used to exerting

a lot of energy when you owe it to that body you

have to a debt to pay

and if you don’t pay that debt

you’re gonna have a problem

where you’re

going to have too much energy that’s stored up and

built in and not

blown out and it’s

going to come out

in unusual ways like in traffic or at work

or whatever

you’ll start

screaming and

freaking out

about something you really didn’t need to

and really it’s all just

about managing your biology

managing your

thoughts it’s very important to have some downtime

where you can sit

alone by yourself and just think

that’s very very important for me

the isolation tank

does that like times 100 that’s my favorite

but sometimes even just sitting on the

couch and just by myself just thinking

you know you can call it

meditation you

can call it whatever the fuck you want just

spending time to

organize your thoughts and put your mind in a certain

place put your body in a certain

place with exercise with yoga

with nutrition all that shit’s important you

gotta manage your biology

and when you manage your biology it makes

managing your mind much much easier

managing your mind

managing your biology that’s the key to not getting

upset at things

you fucking faggots what

okay the best art is created from the

starving artist it seems the best

this is a good question

seems the best art is created from the

starving artist being wealthy do

you feel it hurts your ability to create art comedy or

do you believe that not having to

worry about your financial well being

allows you more time to be creative that’s

a very good question

i think a lot

of times people are much more ambitious when they’re

starving they have much more energy they have much more

dedication towards something but that

doesn’t mean that you can’t have a lot of

dedication towards something when you become successful

it all depends on what was your

motivation in the

first place

if your motivation in the

first place was recognition

and adulation

then you become

famous and then you get that then you have no

motivation to keep going

but if your

motivation is the actual art itself is creating new

things then i

think you can be more free

as you become

successful because

you’re in a position

where you don’t have to

worry about

money anymore so you have one less

thing to think about

and you’re ambitious in the

sense of being creative instead of concentrating on

money your mind is not

geared on that your mind is geared on the art

that’s how i like to

think that i am and when i’m at my best that is

where i’m at

that’s my mind frame

you know that’s my

point of reference is that i think

about the creation of the art itself

that’s when i’m at my best

if i think about

money and i think

about like how much is this

gonna pay me is this worth this

it’s not the same

motivation so it’s

you don’t get the same

results it’s not the same passion to it the passions

got to be real it’s gonna be

my comedy the way in my head my

motivation is all

about whether or not people

enjoy it i don’t want to do anything that people don’t

enjoy i want to make sure that

everything that i’m creating i’m creating it so

other people get

enjoyment out of it

and that’s the reward that you get for that

as long as you’re concentrating on that

you do no wrong as long as you have the dynamic

and the relationship between you and the audience

as long as you respect that and as long as your

relationship to the

creativity is all

based on just producing more

stuff that’s good that people enjoy

as long as you’re doing it for that reason

i don’t think you have to

worry about

money robbing you of your enthusiasm

but if you were just in it for the

money and just in it for the adulation yeah

you become successful and then all of a

sudden like you’re not

gonna want to do it anymore

you’re not gonna be you’re not gonna be


about it anymore

hyena flu equal super aids yeah so i’m talking about

what do i plan on doing december 21st 2012

no i’m gonna stay

if it’s really what peoples are you

gonna go to the pyramids man

if it’s really what

some people

think it is this

convergence this technological convergence where all

human beings will

interface with each

other where someone creates a time machine where some

huge technological

breakthrough happens if that’s that’s what some people

think december 21st

2012 having

collider or

whatever that shit’s called the hadron collider i

think that’s

about the time it’s gonna

if that’s the case then it

doesn’t matter

where you are right

we should be amongst

friends have a gun nearby

maybe brian and i will do a u

stream that day yeah

should we commit to a u

stream 24 hours let’s commit to a u stream

right now we’re

gonna commit to a u stream for

december 21st

2012 december twentieth two thousand

twelve will commit

so that as the

twenty first

time turns over we do it at

midnight show

at night we will

start out eight o’clock

eastern so that’s eleven o’clock eastern

i don’t care what time it is in england

you don’t count

okay that’s not december twenty

first two thousand

twelve it’s all

based on fucking america okay

cause the mayans and the americans were

basically on the same calendar

sort of right no

not really i

think it’s different time

well in chichen it

says the same as

miami okay it’s just a little bit

below that either way

december 20th 2000

and 12 2012

brian and i are committing

right now to a you

stream we’re

gonna do it

feel strong about that yeah nothing’s gonna happen

maybe maybe nothing’s gonna happen

that is a possibility

you know i think people like to know that something’s

gonna happen we have a friend

that likes to believe in ufos and psychics and

chemtrails and anything

anything wacky this this dude just jumps on board

you know and i think

it’s just as possible that nothing’s gonna happen

i think that’s more impossible than it’s not

gonna happen

you know why i

think it’s possible that something

might happen on that day because everybody’s

thinking something’s

gonna happen on that day

right if it’s some

dude sitting somewhere with some bombs i don’t even

know that i don’t even

think that i

think you know the idea that we’re

gonna force something to happen

by really concentrating it as a

you know as a point of

focus this is one point

yeah but that’s what

everyone thought is

gonna happen in two thousand that is true

but everybody was waiting for the

clocks to break in two thousand was a very specific day

planes falling from the sky

fucking good please

stop working man

i stayed home

i remember i stayed home

that was one of the first um

first years

where i didn’t do a new year show

because i think i probably was

worried what is so

weird is that everyone was really

freaked out

about that and then we had all this like built up

stress because of it and then

just shortly after 9 11

is like then we finally

got the release all the stress like the roads ending

i just remember being really stressed out

thinking something was gonna happen

it seems like right after that nylon

all right let’s quit

brains much easy to give up

two and a half hours

doesn’t take vitamins

yeah two hours two hours and 20 minutes

too much i ate a bag of carrots

today i have juicer now my man a bag of

carrots well we’ve dropped down to

423 viewers what that says to me is

at least a hundred you

motherfuckers thought we were boring as shit yeah

so i think that

how here is my butt from one to ten how dare you sir

how dare you big two two thug

from one to ten my butt

three three or four

i really could use shaving and trimming

i was listening to old howard

stern broadcast where they were fined

and he was fine for talking about shaving his butt

you know you don’t realize how crazy those fucking

regular radio shows are like what you can and can’t do

until you hear something like that but

it was inspiring and i was thinking about

trimming my own butt hair

but it could definitely help

solar flares are not in our control and that’s the

thing to worry about says raptor 94

raptor 94 thinks that solar flares are gonna do us in

fair possible man

nobody fucking knows players are gay

make brian clean my room for the next you stream

that’s just my other desk it’s covered with shit

it’s a desk but i really use it as like a

place to just leave shit i’m a

slob i have problems ladies and gentlemen

do do do do do do

what bullshit resolutions will you say

you will keep and won’t

no i don’t make resolutions

and not a girl because i’m not a fucking girl

and if i wanted to fix something

about myself i would start now

i wouldn’t wait

i always say i’m gonna work out more this year i’m

gonna fucking get my shit together but

for the most

part i put out as much energy as i want to put out i

focus on things as much

as much as i can

while still

enjoying them you know

always dancing around obsession

that’s very important

to me whether it’s with comedy or anything else and

with games with anything in my life always have to

dance around

becoming obsessed with things

so for me it’s just

just enjoy just

try to be balanced and try to consciously

you know just try to have a good time

be positive when i get obsessed with

things whether it’s

about jiu jitsu

or comedy or

playing games like pool or

video games

i get crazy

about things

and i don’t i don’t like that feeling

i don’t like getting obsessed with things

brian you get obsessed with dragon off right no

they do told you

how much porn do you have

i get obsessed with internet though

for sure it

feels like i constantly want more information

about everything

and it just branches off more and more and more like

i’ll be looking

about how apple

sauce is made but then i need to know

about how the

apples are grown you know and

just keeps on

going and going and going

yeah that wasn’t that way when you were a kid right

no not at all

i fucking hated reading and i didn’t want to

learn anything i just wanted to play

video games and

roll around on the ground isn’t it

funny how different when you get

older your idea of information changes

because when i was a kid information always meant

school meant shit you have to

learn meant

boring meant suck

you know they were all connected together but then when

it’s no longer a requirement then

yeah you find

out what you’re actually interested in you pursue

those things

you know


brian just fucking fall asleep on me believe that shit

the fuck all right my twitter friends

i think we’re gonna answer one more question

we’re gonna

he’s fake snoring like the goddamn three stooges

what the fuck is that mo are you doing mo

my god we gotta end this curly we’re

gonna it might have been curling it might be right

2000 this guy says

2012 something very subtle may happen

that we don’t realize for a while dude

dude what say it say it

go smoke your aol disc and get off the internet

something subtle is happening

right now we won’t recognize for a

while that’s not what

2012’s supposed to be if that’s what happens then

2012 is bullshit

yeah it’s 100 bullshit

if the if december 21st

2012 rolls around we just go

nothing i don’t feel anything i don’t feel a thing

then it’s bullshit 100

it’s not like

oh man no there’s a change you’re just not

gonna realize it for a while

no it’s supposed to be bam

supposed to be

open a door

here’s a new thing

you know i mean

if the internet turned on

like if there was a day that

the internet turned on we all look back and said oh

december tenth two thousand

and or nineteen ninety three

that’s when the internet turned on the

world changed forever

if there was like a recognized date

first of all that

would be way

more important than fucking columbus day how

about that how

about we study columbus day and that dude

never even landed in america

right he was in the fucking bahamas

raping and murdering people and shit

you know and then columbus day

the internet day is a way bigger

day for american history than fucking columbus day

if they came out with an internet day

that would be important but

december 21st

2012 has to be like that internet day

it has to be day we look back and go wow

that day some shit

started off

that’s the day that changed

everything that’s what december 21st

2012 has got to be

all the hype

behind it if it’s not that then it’s bullshit

you know this

whole idea that it’s the end of an

age that it’s becoming

a new era maybe

maybe possibly

but to me that

could just as easily happen tomorrow

i mean why do we assume that the mayans were

absolutely correct

about that even

if they were correcting recognizing that

human beings

go in cycles you know that’s not

an old idea that yuga is

an i believe

hindu idea i

think it’s hindu

along the same lines

there’s like

stages that

humanity goes for

goes through

and that these

stages these

cycles that they’re

all repeatable they just keep happening like in a

cycle over and over again

just like how you breathe in you always breathe out

humanity rises and falls

and right now we’re supposed to be in kali uga and

it’s also supposed to end

the same time around

where the mayans believe that this

age is going to end

and the same time

where terrence mckenna’s

time wave zero

novelty theory

which a lot of people

think is bullshit i don’t

know if it’s bullshit or not but there was a guy named

terrence mckenna that had this crazy

mathematical algorithm designed to

track time and it was

based off the e chin

and the idea was that you

could apply this to past events and show that all

human innovation

that progress in

humanity is all like you

could chart

it on a graph

that it’s all like

going along a certain direction

and that eventually was

gonna reach a

point of what he called

ultimate novelty

and the idea of ultimate

novelty would be

something that we

would figure out

or do like create a time machine or something like that

that would literally change

everything as we know it

you know and that ray kurzweil calls it the singularity

you know that there’s a

bunch of different scientists that

believe we’re moving towards this convergence this one

big invention

and they tie that into the mind

thing that december 21st

2012 is exactly the same as the ending

point for ultimate

novelty for time wave zero

and that terrence mckenna

arrived at that time

completely independent

of the my encounter i don’t know if it’s bullshit

you don’t have really

studied it either

right dude did you

do about this whole

thing and he just programmed this

logic around that day it’s possible

it’s possible

it didn’t seem like he was a

liar though i mean he

might have been kind of a hippie

and there he’s a hippie

they’re all

liars they all wanted

money and so they

could buy weed and

fucking patrolling

and but truly

maybe we don’t know if it was

what we do know is

this fucking

thing’s been

going on for two

hours and thirty minutes and that’s it it’s over

ladies and gentlemen

brian and i are

gonna get something to eat

and we’re gonna sign out we’re

gonna try to do this

every week now

two hours every week two

hours two hours and a half you’re right

two hours is not so good

but or two hours and a half is not so good two

hours is the perfect plan now

but we appreciate all 400

and fucking

whatever of you we had

500 people at one

point in time

well it’s like a comedy club

and as soon as we

get some more internet in here we’re

gonna start

triple broadcasting it on both justin

tv and all the other yeah

we’ll put it on

three and we’re

also we’ll give you different angles to

be a fucking weirdo

you know can

we get bigger bigger heads up a couple days yes

my friend jim dirksen did

no did rick did drixen

jim did drixen yeah we will

will definitely give more

advanced time we just figured it out yesterday we’re

gonna do it then i put it up

and said we’re

gonna do it in a couple hours

but what we’ll do next time is

what we’re eventually

gonna do is have a specific time we

start at every week

that sounds like a wednesday

yeah wednesday

and afternoons yeah

yeah you’re

right cause

even if we go on the road for comedy we don’t

leave until

thursday usually so

we’ll try to do a tuesday

or a wednesday and that’s what we’ll do

late afternoon in la like

three o’clock is perfect somewhere around that line

and we’ll do it on a regular basis so

this week i’m at

the house of blues on

saturday no yeah saturday

night the house friday

night the house of blues

this friday in vegas

that’s january 1st there’s

still tickets available

for that new year’s eve in melrose of the improv

in hollywood on

thursday night it’s totally sold out

so that’s sold out but there’s

still some tickets available for the

house of blues

so if you’re

gonna be in vegas

brian’s not coming

unless he wants to

wants to change his mind

i was thinking about

vegas on new year’s day just seems like that

dried puke everywhere

hella magover

it’s hell in august

but new year’s eve like i said it’s all sold out

sorry but new year’s day january 1st

the house of blues at

mandalay bay

and it be joey diaz and ari shafir

far doesn’t kill himself for then

hopefully won’t

so thank you very much everybody

thanks for tuning into this and

we’ll see you next week we’re

gonna do this

every week okay bitches thanks

stop recording

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