The Joe Rogan Experience #11 - Ari Shaffir

record start broadcast

live are we on the air yes

ladies and gentlemen

i’m trying to

figure out how we’re on the air because i’m

looking there we go bitches

what is this week 10 or some shit

how many weeks have we been doing

that’s 11 11

new year i left

it’s so funny because

after going through all the old podcasts

every beginning of

every single podcast i’m like mute your laptop

you think i would know that from

tuning into art bell

yeah the art bill

please turn off your radio right it was

o and a too

people always

call out they get that feedback to themselves

well they’re listening to themselves

and then their

aunt so it’s like a nonsense conversation

they want to hear themselves on the radio this whole

time just be in the moment

record it with my cell phone turn up that radio


this is very different

but yeah i guess we want to hear ourselves broadcast

so we got a show this weekend at the tempe improv

almost sold out so

here yeah saturday

night sold out already

there’s only a few tickets left for the late show

friday night is

on its way and friday

night once we get in and

depressed so

if you want to come in

you want to see the show

hurry up hurry

temp is always fun

because our

fears and dead

punch and they

and they let us

drink now too

dead punch is a pool term yeah i remember it took me a

second dead stroke

that’s a hanger

pool terminology

in the zone

do you guys keep doing this to each

other no it just

started by itself unmuted

on both ears

oh you know

the computer

i got it on both

things i got it on this you

stream window too and

brian is redoing my website and doing so

it’s fucking master genius

self he’s put the you

stream actually on

joe rogan dot net so if you go to the web page

there’s a there’s a little

corner link that says live webcam so you can see it

right from there

it’s gonna get

better it’s

gonna get better

and it’s on itunes now too

you can find

official joe rogan podcast

or is just a joe rogan

podcast it’s called the joe rogan podcast and

itunes yeah so you can get that shit

or if you have zoom

you could go to your website and download the

mp3s yeah if you

want to zoom dudes

just hates apple so much

you had to get one of the goofiest fucking devices ever

unless it does anything

better there’s no need for another one you know

to the microsoft version of the ipod

and the people that

prefer it you can

tell they’re like

super windows heads

people that just love windows

cause that’s mad denial

especially the old zoom do you remember ever

using that where it’s like a fake

spin wheels like it pushed it down it

clicked it clicked up and down

it was retarded

i guess the new ones not bad

i guess they probably couldn’t use the technology

right didn’t you say that apple is

assuming people

for the technology that in

their iphone yeah

android devices and

sprint devices they’re all fucked

right now because they own

or apple owns like 20 of the patents that all

these new cell

phones are using that’s why you have a phone like

the android or the droid

you’re like wow it has

pinched to zoom just like the iphone well yeah

apple owns all

these patents

android might be hurting

android even palm

might be hurting because

their new phones are all really just pretty much

stealing of apple’s

shit wow that

would be nuts

the only one that’s not in trouble

right now i

guess is the new windows 7 phone

why what’s that

they don’t use the patents they

haven’t they

were really

smart not to use any patents they have

their own shitload of patents

no the problem is pinch the

zoom there’s no better way to do it there really isn’t

no there has to be

i’m sure there

could be like a way that you can make like

circle to zoom

you know and it’s squared

exactly the same

circle come on man

you want to be able to pinch it

yeah but what if you wanted to zoom

out in part

just put a little circle around

mmm not good

enough zoom out

no no no i want to do this

yeah but if i told you

five years ago i was like no you

go like one size

know that i can do that

right it’s like when you have

water in your ear and the

water gets out of here and you’re like

oh now i can hear like you accepted the way your ear

was working when the

water was in there

you’re just like

i’m okay with it yeah

i can deal with this but to people that

still aren’t on the internet they’re like

nah i’ll just make do mail’s fine

there’s a fucking awesome documentary on vbs tv

about this dude who lives in the arctic

he’s one of the last people that’s allowed to live

in the arctic and he lives like way the fuck up in the

northeast part of alaska

like there’s no one within like hundreds of

miles ham he

doesn’t have a car he

gets electricity from a generator

and he fucking

shoots all his own meat

kills all his own

rabbits kills all his own caribou

has to protect his

cabin little tiny ass

cabin like the size of like a bedroom

has to protect his

cabin from wolves

like it’s far

away from bears rather

bears come to the

cabin because he hangs his meat outside

because it’s

never cold they don’t have a refrigerator

they don’t have anything

so he hangs his fucking meat outside

and bears occasionally

will come into the camp and

smell it so he’s got this dog that he

leaves out that’s supposed to protect the

cabin and bark

so then he comes out as to

chase the bear down with a fucking shotgun

and he’s doing this in the

night time it’s

night and he can’t see

and he’s chasing down this fucking bear and

shooting at it it is nuts

like this guy is

living in the extreme

i mean as close i mean that’s sort of civilized

yeah he can get to

civilization i

guess yeah i

mean he’s not in it

he’s got a television

he’s got a generator he can get electricity

watches dvds and he gets

shipped to him

he still has not seen

even an image

of the 9 11

towers falling really no he

heard about it on the radio

thought it was

crazy but he lives up there just him

and his fucking wife man it’s not how hot is his wife

not she’s not

russell peters is

watching us

right now russell

peters up in this

bitch russell

peters is the man he’s one of the nicest guys ever

how nice is russell

peters but he’s indian

and you have to deal with that

you can’t just let it go it’s there we’re all thinking

about it no

no what so rude

he’s faking that

you see the

other day russell

was hanging out with somebody cool

like i forget that the old hip hop rap guy from the

eighties as like it takes two

is marquis no something like

that you know he

was hanging out with him the

other day like

dj quit dj rock

forget but i was like man that’s so awesome someone in

reverse knows what is the answer to that question

ladies and gentlemen

you know bitches yeah that’s right based that’s right

yeah even says it in the song

now i’m screwed because i don’t even know that

doesn’t fucking savage oh

it sounds like that right guy

no well it doesn’t matter who cares we’re just talking

about how you remember

third base that old record third base yeah the

white guy yeah what happened to those guys i don’t know

i love them i had two albums

that’s face they have two albums yeah

well that was

the dj what the fuck is his name the white dude

it was good prime minister pete nice

that was one right pete nice and was the other one and

gers i don’t know

what was his name dj google

no i’m having it

nice and fuck

come on folks rob base

rob base i think

no no no no bases the other dude this is

now i’m just confused didn’t he

the one had mtv show which one had the mtv show

that’s good was that p nice or was that

i know this dude yeah

well the next

white rapper no the next white rapper this

guy just wrote dj boom boom you’re just making shit up

dj i’ll know the answer when i hear it dj sniffles man

dj sniffle who are the third base is the band yeah

and there was the white guy with glasses they’re both

white guy but the big guy right

prime minister pretty nice

and so and so what was it

anyway the other guy who the fuck is it

it’s not dj easy rock you fuck no richie rich no mc

search nc search

isn’t that amazing how your brain just

blows up immediately why was it said why is it so hard

i don’t know

dumb information it’s like

but then once that in

for it’s weird when a memory gets awakened

when you didn’t

think the memory was in your head at all

and then someone

breaks it up and all sudden like rebirth

reblooms comes back to life like someone talks

about you totally know it

yeah some shit that happened like when you were a kid

and you’re like oh yeah

what the fuck i forgot

about that and all of a sudden boom and what’s

weird is when that happens that opens up a lot of

these little

memories that just because you remembered that one

thing then you’ll

start remembering like oh and i remember i

used to listen to that guy at the grocery store

bishop desmond tutu gets the gas face

i don’t know how much i don’t know how

that was in there

the search was good man i’d like that guy’s flow

but it seemed like people

would like pick on because he was white

was like yeah

and then he became like a producer instead of a rapper

which i think was a huge mistake

because i think

as a rapper he was really badass he was fucking good

like i used to love his

stuff but i felt like he was almost

sort of like

doing it but sort of apologizing at the same

time or something

stopped doing it

that guy should have

never stopped rapping that guy was fucking good

the idea that he went on to produce some records

i’m sure he produced some good a lot

of people do that though too

yeah move out and

stop liking to perform i can

appreciate that but i

think with him

that guy was

really fucking good i really really used to

enjoy his shit

gonna illegally down both

those albums tonight i’m

gonna download them for fuck i’m

gonna pay i’m

gonna go to itunes i don’t give

a fuck new gorillas

album came out today

yeah did you say you didn’t like it

i don’t like the single

that first thing was not that great yeah

all i know is that one song that they did

for a couple

i know but i mean if i like i gotta find one

anyway mc search

please come back yeah that’s what we’re trying to say

come on man ain’t too late

just fucking

dust off that hat and fucking let’s do this son

just step up and spit

i like i like rap music man

i mean i joke

about it in my act but i really do man it’s fun

i love that you know that you’re talking shit

i like listening to people talk shit i love that song

that hip hop

is dead backwards

that’s my landing no that’s a

great one too like that one

nas is a great writer

but hip hop is dead that’s my landing music

is i rotate between

three songs

hip hop is dead

tori a most crucify

and what really yeah and voodoo

child question

what do you mean by landing music

when i land

soon as i put my fucking land my

touchdown coming to a new city

okay even coming question

why the stewardess

let you have your earphones on during landing

first class i let you fuck

yeah but i knew it that’s totally true i always

leave them on they

never bother

me on my first

class but on the

back like take it off yeah they’re nazis in the back

you can’t totally

get away with it but you can kind of play dumb

like what oh okay take it off uh

huh i mean i

never don’t take it off when they tell me to take

it off i take it

off you have to tell me

i’m not gonna take it off on my own

the rate and if you’re

sleeping they’ll

never wake you up

i will fake sleep

i’ll make sure that my seat is up

so you know

for that but you know i’m

gonna do this shit

right here and

should just let me go please i’m nice

it’s no one’s gonna

crash because

my fucking head why do they make it turn off because of

radio waves no it’s not a radio wave

it’s not to

be dick i mean lecture

they want you to turn off

everything they want you to turn off gameboys

they say turn for laptop

too but it’s like it’s on

yeah i know

it’s it’s nonsense it’s nonsense

the idea is some sort of electrical

interference but i

think really the good idea to it is that

it forces people to comply

and and that’s the same

thing with putting the seat up you ever

think brebin

thinks it’s ridiculous

and i used to

think it was

ridiculous to

force people

to put their seat up but now i

think it’s important because

you got to get them to fucking listen to you well

it’s very important

if they do get into a tough

they don’t want you to like lean back

you know if you’re

gonna get hurt you’re

gonna get hurt you know anything that’s

gonna hurt you it’s not

gonna hurt you

any less cause

you like this then you are like this i mean you’re

gonna get jacked

i guess maybe no i can’t i can’t see how

even in the most furious

turbulence it

would make a difference

that you’re fucked either

way if you’re fucked you’re fucked you’re in a goddamn

metal tube flying through the air

you know i think the good thing

about it is that they get you to comply and i

think you know i don’t want anybody to tell me what

to do and you don’t want anybody to tell you what to do

yeah but let’s be honest we’re not

gonna do anything fucking crazy

you know there’s a lot

of people out there that need to be told what to do i

see somebody didn’t tell me

like during the landing i’m just

gonna go to

the bathroom when i fucking fly all over the

place yeah i

think people um

there’s a certain

amount of people you know there’s just too many of us

we need very

clearly established rules

even if they’re ridiculous

even if it’s just like it

sounds like i’m

a conservative

but it does

not just an

expert retards

you know i just know that

just so many fucking

dummies out there

it’s very important to have a certain amount of

order to the

world because

even though

you don’t want that order

you’ve worked

really hard to put yourself into a position

where you don’t have to have that order

you know i mean look at the life you

chose you went from

like a very obvious you know

you know like

regular normal person’s life to being this

crazy fucking comedian

where you know you make your living

talking shit on stage

and you know you

sleep till noon

and i mean that

right that right there is

most people

would never be able to

figure out a

way that’s just too tricky

it’s too fucked up

you know like most dumb people

would never be able to figure out a way to

slip through some

weird path to make a career doing by the way if

you’re watching your work right now

we’re not talking

about you no

yeah let me see

well you know nobody really wants to work

unless you love

what you doing and then it’s not work anymore yeah

then that’s really the

secret to life

and then everybody loves something else man

i mean there’s

a reason why there’s lawyers there’s a reason why

there’s a lot of dudes who love being fucking dentists

man there’s a lot of dudes who love being carpenters

everybody’s got their own

thing whatever the fuck it is

yeah as long as you find it then it’s not really work

you know and

until then it’s

gonna suck i

still get surprised sometimes on the road

and like you

check like oh yeah

yeah yeah okay

yeah i know it’s like

cause we do it so

often for free

you know especially in la

how many how

often do you do sets for free always

that’s when i

start whenever people ask me like hey do you want like

feature for the

third show or something or whatever i’m always like

i’ve said no before and then it’s like yeah let

me can i do a guess what

you know once

i get there so it’s like you just put me on the lineup

yeah wayne 50

bucks and you hear the

laughter you just want to go up yeah

australia the the

the flight fucks you up man because

it’s like a sixteen hour yeah times on like crazy

yeah and it’s like nineteen hours

ahead so it’s like

literally you’re the next day you don’t know

it so i was like really delusional like i didn’t know

but as soon as i got to the club i saw the people who

it’s like you can then you just

sparks it up you know it’s

crazy it’s like man we’re

gonna do a fucking show we’re

gonna have some fun

you know it’s like you just fire up you just

you just get what new people

man i wish people in

their regular jobs

could feel what we feel when you’re killing you know

i can’t usually

sleep for a couple

hours afterwards too man i’m

tired before i go on it’s like

wired afterwards

especially when you got a new bit

if you have

a new bit the new bit is killing then it just takes

everything up to the next level

you know it’s

crazy comedy is so much fucking fun

you seen alice in wonderland yet no

i’ve heard very

mixed reviews

i am going to

watch it at universal city walk on mushrooms

when we get back from tempe

arizona this

sounds like the

worst year it’s

gonna be so good there in 3d imax

dude have you not


disregarded no

law right have you not had a bad trip before

no that’s why

jesus that’s

gonna be your

first bad trip

well here’s what i think

about bad trips and i

think for sure you could

definitely take

too much of anything and have a bad trip no matter what

your state of mind is

right you know i’ve had bad trips on pot

i’ve never had bad trips in anything else but pot

but i’ve had bad trips eating pot

i think it’s a

state of mind i

think it’s how you approach it i

think it’s where you’re at when you take it

if you’re in a good

place you’re in

i mean last time i did shrooms i

started shitting and having diarrhea

and no that changes

everything as you think you’re dying

food poisoning mushrooms

yeah at least somebody get into an accident across the

street from you and you’re like no

it’s all going bad are you doing that

psychedelia show next time sure if i can when is it

i think it’s a good show

april 18th if you haven’t seen it or heard about it

ra shafir is doing if you live in la

he’s doing this

psychedelic show and he did it 15

15 was the last eight last night was in february

you got some clips on your website

right yeah don’t look at it yet i gotta make it better

well this so the idea of the show is

most comedians that we know at

least the most funny ones

have had a few psychedelic experiences and

a lot of them had really funny stories to go with them

and so they’re all talking about it

you know in front of a

crowd it should be kind of cool yeah there’s just fun

story my problem is anything interesting i’ve ever

learned i’ve already told

like a hundred fucking times right

you know i mean

i was gonna ask that’s why we have to do a new drug

experience for you

peyote and tempe this weekend

that’s the place to do it

right right

we’ll find some coyote

spirits in us and shit peyote

yeah some guy dylan brody told a peyote story

they always supposed to be incredible

synthetic payout the funniest spirit

so my friend

matt was in new york and he took it and he said he

could hear people talking in a building

like across the street

way over there

i said there’s a

glass window and he goes i can hear them talking

meanwhile it’s probably just like a cell

phone going off

i mean i think

i think there’s

ways we can perceive things

other than the

standard way we’re not

drunk i can hear

things further away but like i can

center it like at a bar

where i can normally

hear nothing i can center on one person talking

really yeah i don’t know why when you’re drunk

yeah but people around it’s all

then i just

see them and i hear what they’re saying so you

think it’s you like your

liver i don’t

know what i

don’t know your

liver does it

who knows man

your liver is what makes

wheat so fucked up

when you eat it

that’s when

it produces that shit it’s called 11 hydroxy metabolite

apparently it’s it’s

it’s it’s present in smoking it when you

smoke is present

but it’s not like a psychoactive levels

but when you eat it

it’s processed by

your body and it produces this fucking insane chemical

that’s like four times more psychoactive than thc

that’s why when you eat pot

so like whoa

those brownies

that were cookies

gave us in chicago holy shit

even fucking joey

diaz freaked out on them

joey dia said he had a mile far

that was the

first time well no it wasn’t but it was the

first time i realized

we’re all still high the next day

and you wake up you’re just kind of like

shuffling your feet feel sort of

weird like you’re still tired

until it hits you

but you’re too high to

think it out so you’re like

i was so high

i reevaluated my entire life that night

i really did

i made some life changing decisions that night

i was so fucking gone i

literally mean

it was very very similar to taking mushrooms

very similar

just just as intense

and just going to a different

place it was like wow this is strong

you know how i knew it was really really really strong

is when i laid in the bed and i closed my eyes and the

fucking hallucinations were insane

it was all yeah it was all

these like these cartoon characters

fucking each other

and becoming different

things and fucking each

other and becoming different

things and fucking each

other and becoming different

things it was insane and they were like

the cartoon

characters were like a glowing almost like a neon

they had like a glowing neon quality to them

like they look like someone drew them

but then there was like a glowing neon

like center to them

it was fucking

insane it went on for like a half an hour

i was like holy shit

this is just from eating weed

last time i

ate mushrooms

when i was getting sick and

stuff then i resorted to bed

and it was weird because i went into

stages of course i was shaking really fast

then i went into like a sweaty

and then i got into

a thing that felt like i was

going inside out or something

and it was like

seven things

but it was in a

cycle like it

kept on doing like i’m like alright next is coming to

shake right oh yeah

here comes the shake and

stuff like that and then i was like oh wait it’s like

seasons of the

earth man and

then i was like

how many did you go through

probably about

150 of those

things in each

yeah i mean that’s how bad my last mushroom trip was

and it was like

it was sick

mixed with thinking i was some kind of

season how much did you take

about an eighth or half an eighth 75

of an eighth or something like that

wow what is an eighth how many how many

it’s like it’s usually people do half

and then maybe

maybe i’d say

three point

five four six or something

right they say the real big dose is like five five

grams five grams see i

some you talk to the

some people and they’re just like no dude you got smoke

seven joints kind of

people think that

to get the most out of pot really the way

to really do it

right is to not

smoke pot for a long time

and then blow it the fuck

out just get high as a kite and then you have i haven’t

spoke for the last couple days and i

but have you

heard of people

like taking a month off

have you ever

talked to those guys that like

i don’t trip on one hit of ass that trip on

ten man yeah well there are definitely some

i don’t know man but don’t you

think that we all have different

chemical structures to our bodies

yeah but it’s like they’re all

variant i bet you they didn’t even try the one dose

thing they’re just like no i like to eat

five pizzas man

straight into it

have you ever met a dude who just can’t drink

i knew especially back in boston i knew a lot of guys

that they would drink

and then all of a sudden

i mean one drink and they were gonesville

they just didn’t exist

a girl i went out with once

one drink she would go one drink in

and then all of a sudden she’d be

throwing glasses and

shit and swearing

to people that’s the same way that somebody can

completely handle

it it was nuts it was nuts i mean it’s one fucking

drink and she

would be gone one

one drink it was like she

was allergic to alcohol or something it was something

weird and she was

completely crazy

there’s one girl i knew that

a jewish girl that she’s friends on facebook she

might be watching so i won’t say her name but

first time she

smokes we don’t say her

fucking religion man huh

also jewish

because i want you guys to at

least have a chance to find out who she is

she smoked weed at my

house she’s like i’m not good with weed whatever

she smoked one bong hit she stood up

ran full speed into my bathroom

hit the bathtub and just flew in the bathtub and

smashed her face in the bathtub

and i’m like

what you think

she just i just had to run oh my

that was like one hit

that in the did i’m like holy shit there’s something

weird in her

whatever dna that snapped immediately

you know we also don’t realize how

strong as fucking weed is

we don’t realize

this is ohio shit

really yeah this is an ohio

wow she’s just a freak

how bad was ohio’s weed compared to

california oh is mexican brick weed

where it’s compressed

where at least you’re like this

i don’t have much weed left but that one

break you’re just like pulling out

that was a long

time ago right

maybe it’s gotten better

and if i got

it from california yeah i’m sure it was

a good arrest that’s

also broker back then so it’s probably always existed

it’s you know the people that get

arrested for like drugs why is it there always speeding

you have a light sentence in your car

why are you just

doing something

stupid like they’re always talking on the

phone without

using a headset

or and they

get pulled over for that and also on the cops like

right why do i

smell weed you know and then

you pop the

trunk and he’s got a fucking giant

brick of weed in the back

right or you’re

parked on the side of the road with your door open

and a girl sitting on your lap

and you’re like okay

why do you have a gun in the back seat of your car if

yeah why are you so nervous why are you

sweating what is it

about these fucking

trucks that get busted

and they have like

100 million dollars

worth of weed and

like giant fucking semis like how

crazy is that

that’s like a gamble let’s take a chance okay

how many of you think of

those get through

i bet they lost they must get through i bet

90 of them get through they busted

one of them in arizona because the guy had a ups truck

it was a ups

truck stolen

no it wasn’t real

it was a forged a fake ups

truck they made a ups

truck with fake numbers

we just took the numbers from one of the

other ups trucks they

wrote it down

they recreated a fucking

ukeleans truck yeah brilliant

and why did they

deliver because the cops ran the fucking number

that was on they were

speeding or doing something

the cops ran the number that was on it

and it turns out it

was it was the

wrong truck was

like no we’re in michigan match

didn’t match

for whatever reason so they decided

to pull him over so they pull this guy over he’s

got a giant fucking

truckload of weed

i mean they

just decided to pretend that they were delivering

for ups they

figured nobody

would check it

they probably

got away with a fuckload of times yeah you

know and then one guy just got a little careless and

started driving

fast and he got busted you always get complacent

you get away with it

sometimes you get

totally normal and you feel like

i’m not gonna get caught

yeah you know

i mean that’s what

and that becomes part of the thrill

of it too i think for

people there’s a lot of people that are addicted to

crime and they think that

crime like selling weed or doing anything illegal

where you you know

you don’t really even pay

taxes on it there’s a fucking

a wild outlaw thrill to that shit

you know some people love living like that but

those motherfuckers you can’t be around them they’re

gonna blow up

like that shit is not

gonna last like you’re not playing by society’s rules

when you’re running around

selling drugs i like to get drugs and i

think it’s awesome that you’re doing that

i don’t wanna be around you

cause you’re the guy who’s making his life

off of selling

you know if you’re making your life off selling cocaine

like you might be fucking

crazy yeah you know you

might just be

a reckless wild

motherfucker that’s a dangerous thing i

mean how many people get rich and retire off of cocaine

i don’t know any

none went to ourselves there’s a few

there’s a few that you hear

about in cocaine cowboys

really griselda she’s she’s

still alive

cocaine cowboys to the she got out like retired got

out they shipped her to bogota

she killed like two hundred people

oh really yeah she made hundreds

of millions of dollars she was like the to kill

two hundred people

in overdose

they’re like directly

responsible for like like two hundred people

dying offer coke

rob what are you doing

somebody asked what i was

drinking i was

putting it up to them like oh

weirdos it’s good it tastes like a beer almost

it’s complete shot i thought it was a beer

that would be

micro brew i

guess not weird no really be that weird

anyway this griselda

chick still alive

they took pictures of her in bogota

columbia so she got out of jail they

deported her

and now she’s fucking running around columbia man

and she’s rich as fuck

she’s like incredibly incredibly rich and ruthless

cocaine cowboys is fucking incredible i thought

oh my god you have to

watch it it’s one of the

greatest documentaries ever and then cocaine cowboys 2

is even better

cocaine cowboys too

is just fucking nuts man

i mean it tells you it just shows you how nutty

miami was in the nineteen

eighties when cocaine

was coming through there

i mean it just

changed the fucking face of the city

that city was

built on cocaine

the cops there were so many corrupt cops that one year

the entire graduating um

group in the police academy the entire

graduating group

all of them

either wound up dead

or locked up in jail

really yep all of them

i hate miami so much oh my god it’s so

crazy and that’s why it’s the coke

it’s the coke

it’s a cocaine

flavored city

there’s a lot of cool people in

miami man i

had a show there recently i did the lincoln theater

it was fucking awesome man it was really awesome

everybody was

super cool the show was nice

but fuck man that improv

is the worst improv

the worst comedy club i’ve ever been to ever

that miami improv

made me stop

going to miami yeah it was so bad

they would just yell out shit nobody give a fuck

it was just like

thirty tables just

screaming and we’re talking you shut up what

giant room full of coke heads

i mean just a room full of coke heads we’re not even

lying about this like if

we had two hundred people in the

crowd how many people do you

think were coke heads

if we had how many

two hundred

i’d say 80 i’d say 80 were on coke

80 wrong yeah another

40 doesn’t have any on them that’s not bullshit

and the 40 that didn’t have it on them they

might get shitty because they’re coming down yeah

i mean really it was

fucking right

that place was

crazy and cuban

cooked up and that

place is one of the one

places where i’ve never

heard a headliner get more sabotaged

when they decided to put

kevin meanie up

after joey diaz

you’re talking cuban

and cokehead

that’s what i mean the audience is cuban

the audience is cuban

right the audience

does you know

coke and joey

it has like

an hour of coke material

he could go on and on

about the best

is washing up

and the way he says it’s so

funny so you kind of giggle

that sounds

funny and then you’ll see somebody just die

laughing you’re like oh you know

about this shit

he said shit that i don’t even know because i’ve

never done coke but it’s

funny just because two times a lady on a

thursday you know you know

i don’t know

but if he if he does that to a room full of coke heads

oh my god joe used to destroy that place

he used to level that


he was on stage once

and he was spitting

and sweat was flying off of him

and he was telling

jokes about

him being in one window they’re both on

coke him and his cat

and he’s in one window

and the cats in the

other one and they’re fucking looking out for police

i don’t think i’ve ever

laughed any harder

i don’t think i’ve ever

laughed any harder

and joey so joey’s

leveling these audiences with this kind of material

and kevin meanie

went up after him

and kevin me this before

kevin meanie

came out of the closet

so kevin meanie was doing like

he used to do we are the

world like we are the

world tribute

thing like a

whole song that’s

closing bit

yeah but this was like

decades after that we are the work

nobody remember that anymore

and these twenty year old people in the audience

have no idea what the fuck he was talking about

and this is after joe

like shut up

yeah they’re in

their animals and this is

after joey goes up and joey’s just

leveling the

place i mean it hurts you to watch

it hurt you to watch

that’s one of the worst

like scheduling

of comics ever

they do that all the time

like especially like

to punish them no

people like not smart

the comic wants too much

money sometimes will do that

you you know like

some people don’t

think a guy’s

that good like some club owners are really fucking

stupid other

like oh joey

he’s just fine

what i heard was the one i

heard got fucked with the most was mitch henberg

mitch hedberg got fucked with a

bunch of times

where they would put on like

these singing

black guys before him

you know and these guys

would destroy with like really dumb hack shit

and then mitch hedberg

would go up with this really

weird unique act

you know that like on

paper isn’t even

funny you know it’s like it’s got some really

great stuff

like an interesting way of delivering but it was

it’s very much you have to set it up correctly

you can’t have some guy

going up singing and dancing and having the

whole audience clap along

and then hedberg who just basically

stands there and

kick your ass

oh you know

double cheese

hotel you know he’s got all

these weird jokes that are like

they’re just so

you know so uniquely him but you

gotta set it up right

you know and

that’s a part of comedy

people go that guy can’t follow that guy

it doesn’t mean that that guy’s not good

it means that

their acts aren’t compatible

a lot of people don’t have a hard time following the

other people but

those people

would have a

harder time following people that i don’t have you know

so tom holland it

just doesn’t

style there’s a

lot mean if a guy’s like really

super cerebral

and really wordy and

doesn’t swear and is really

you know then you go up you want to talk about

get your dick sucked you know whoa fuck

even when brett earns for some reason and cap

and era were killing

i would always do well i don’t know why

yeah when other people

are killing then i have

trouble and it’s like i don’t

yeah certain

styles yeah joey used to have his his

jinx used to be aj jamal

you remember

it was amazing

incredible timing

aj jamal such a pro man he just

his timing was just so perfect you

could hear the same jokes ten times in a row and he

still would laugh

and for whatever reason i

think that just got inside joey’s head because joey

wasn’t that kind of a guy who wasn’t like a technician

like aj jamal just had that perfect timing

thanks thanks

yeah and just the way he

would do it like

you would just

be recovering from the last jug and then the next one

would hit you it

would hit you the

right time why were

still appreciating that joe

and then another one hits you and he just

would hit you with

these waves and

jelly was just a

you know sort of like

stream of consciousness guy

would just go up he had a couple ideas of some jokes he

would talk about

but he wanted to just fuck

around he wanted to like find the material on stage

i think it bothered

him that this guy was like so

so like yeah rigid and

thanks to bother me a lot too when i

forgot i was like

a really strong

it was really

strong and well done it

would make me insecure i would say

fuck what is

mine that good and i’m not that doing what he’s doing

i’ve trouble following

said somebody does real real well with crowd work

then it’s like

cause then that’s my

my pull out move is

do some power but then it’s like why he just

did it already he did it better than you so now my one

cheap move is fucking

taken away from me yeah

yeah yeah that

crowd move is a good move if you get

if you got a position to go to it

no like you used to have

i don’t want to say the jump but

you know there’s one that you do

where you talk to a

check in the audience

oh yeah yeah just

bam you know

i always wait for it like when you

start talking about that

and then i go here comes

like if you’re in a

tricky situation

you bust that one up that’s just a guarantee

crack in the face

you know but

those are nuts

i mean it’s really no different than

any other kind of joke that you’re gonna

just i mean you’re recreating

the moment you know you’re saying it all like you’re

thinking it

right there and then but a lot of it is shit you said

many many times

before you just got to keep it as organic as possible

yeah i like doing cry

week 2 cause it sets my

mouth and my cadence to be like

this is me real talking like

this is a nice jacket i like that shit

you know that’s

smart yeah and

then if my joke’s done and then i went to the

store right

guess what it

sounds like

it sounds gross yeah it does

when does it ever sound

grosser than when you’re in a tiny little audience

yeah when you’re in a tidy audience

like three people

you see all the problems with

your material like tiny audiences are really good to do

because when you perform in

front of like

three people

it’s so uncomfortable

that you’re making this person talk to you

but the illusion of a

crowd is just gone it’s just like what are we doing

i prefer for two ones

two people at danger

fields in new york city

and it was one of

the weirdest feeling but

it makes you snip out the fat in your jokes

it makes you get to the

point quicker

you respect

their attention span more because it’s more

ridiculous for you to require them to listen to you but

you also can’t pretend like you’re doing a pause that

might be set in there theatrically in a good way

i can’t even do it now it’s not even a bad

thing i just

this seems really fucking

weird fucking fake you

find out what the fake shit is

you can do a pause

if you’re really

thinking that way

right you know

if you like you know there’s a moment you act we like

what the fuck

what is really what is that there is a real

moment there’s a real opportunity for a moment there

but it has to be real i think

very often we write

stuff and we

write it and we say it in a way we just know it’s

gonna kill you know it’s not necessarily the way you

would say in

front of a small

group of people

it’s good to

clean your act up with that shit

it’s good to do shows

where people aren’t impressed too

like that’s why it’s good to do

those impromptu shows like

those wednesday

night shows

those people

know your show

they don’t know you’re

gonna be there they’re not your fans they don’t

come to see you they come to see any kind of comedy

and they just saw 10 guys that have been on

television that guy from comedy

juice just wrote me yesterday

and he was like hey

ari would love to have you

come back and i

did it before and i was like oh cool i did it once and

the guy who booked it left

so i’ve been looking to see you get

in contact with

him and he was

like yeah anytime you want next week the week

after the week

after that and i was like

how about the week

after that this is ari

it goes oh now how

about april i’m like you thought it was eric

spears didn’t you

he was like yeah i did

i think an auto completed on

it whatever

and i was like

it’s fine man that happens not the first time

you know the webcam’s on guys oh look at him

tell me a little

story we don’t have to stare at people

yeah so my manager

called you know the guy that no one else knows about

i thought that was a good

story man i’m fucking baked he wanted to go to comedy

juice comedy juices that

it all related man comedy juice is the local wednesday

show wednesday nights

wednesday nights of the improv

really good show and there’s always like

you know famous people only

ck to stop by mark mayer

stop by all these good guys to stop by

so it’s good place to perform

but it’s good to do like little tiny shitholes too

right it’s good to do like

bars and dives and

you know what’s

great is that little room next to the improv

you know this is the big improv

but this is a little tiny aspect

that’s what we’re doing what’s a cult show

what show it’s like the other show

no no i mean in tempe

oh oh yeah you know that one that was the shit

did you go up and then

no never just watched

just watched todd glass

goes and just does that room

you know it’s a fucking sweet room man

i mean it’s one of the

sweetest rooms in the country and it’s connected

to one of the biggest rooms in the country all things

it’s like a comedy complex

it’s amazing that tempe

has so much comedy you know

it’s also the biggest impulse to begin with

is it well chicago

might be bigger

now that san

jose san jose san jose

yeah how is

it listen to

me west palm is bigger than all oh they redid it now

right west palm

is west palm is huge it’s like 700 people

fucking insane

you you walk in and you’re like what

like it’s so big

what is santos i have to see like five hundred

fifty four fifty

yeah this place is

seven hundred people something like that

at least six fifty

but apparently

it’s hard to fucking feel

that’s hard

bruce bruce and gabriel

crisis every

other week yeah

yeah did you guys see that crowsman

see a fight on his twitter the other day he had with

some guy that was making fun of him or something

no not that poor father

what had happened

it’s just it’s very crazy how

this guy got to him pretty

and he what do you say to him

guy just started shit i own you i bet you

spend more time on me than any

other comedians you actually like i own you

i’m the punisher anytime

you try to publicly show somebody up online

you’re like you’re not showing them up

it’s just you’re both you guys are just idiots

you can’t ever hear a response

i did that before you feel like an idiot

afterwards why did i

waste my time doing this

if there’s sometimes when

you read something someone will say something douchey

and you’re like i

could just crush this

idiot right now

and then i was like what am i doing internet

why am i entering

like people are just drawing into some

silly fight i

saw someone on

twitter talk

about that and they said to marin

and they said

it’s like the special olympics even if you win you’re

still retarded

yeah that’s like a there’s

a picture of that you know you know what’d be really

funny inspirational pictures

would be really

funny to film somebody

film somebody have like this online war or somebody

and just have them

going back and forth and it became so dangerous

you could go to fight them it’s like a fork

four year old

well it’s all it is usually

a kid was 20 that kid from

ohio remember

we brought him to the show

he turned out to

be just a kid fucking around he was a nice guy

imagine if the kid

talked to him on the jimmy you

can’t tell tone too this guy

he and i had a myspace battle

it was really ridiculous and

it got put on some websites and then when i went

and i like he and i went back and forth on

even in the emails he said like

you know all right you win

and he said if i ever meet you i

would be having shake your hand i said i

shake your hand too dude it’s all just fun

right and he goes yeah he goes well it was nice talking

like at the end did like okay

you know it was like really weird it was like

you know sometimes you talk shit to people and

you don’t really mean what you’re saying but it’s like

you ventured into like a little contest like

you wanna talk stupid you

wanna say some dumb shit well i’mma say some dumb

shit it’s the only way you can show somebody up too

the best of people that

think just insulting your

mother will do the

trick oh come on

like i fucked your mom

three times this week ha

boom teamed but for

comics and for us

that’s a fun exercise sometimes that’s the problem

it’s like when people know that you do it

i could get mad at you like what an asshole you know

he’s calling this guy a

loser maybe you’re a fucking loser

we think you’re fucking badass

cause you’re on tv

but no i’m just practicing dealing with douchebags

it’s like they’re like online hecklers

it’s like the same

thing as a heckler in an audience

it’s really the same

thing you just

breaking them down

for a comic that’s fun sometimes yeah

i wish i don’t do it online

i don’t do it online anymore

i used to it’s just so stupid

it’s like you’re

deciding to get

upset and to

enter into this little

you know this

little competition with someone who you don’t know

who chooses to interact with you that’s what

that’s the way

they choose interact with you they choose to attack you

and you’re just gonna like

submit to that and start

going back and forth and that’s ridiculous

they win right away

this is part of

being like in the public eye

part of being an

entertainer you’re

gonna get people that want to hate you that’s normal

as soon as i

start soon as you get back involved

you’re like

maybe i’ll show them up you won’t

no matter what

you do energy

that’s what it is it’s a

waste of energy

unless you can

do it and you’re just having fun and it’s good natured

and you know and you do it just for

shits and giggles

as long as it’s good nature but

if you’re really getting

upset and you’re really trying to hurt

their feelings

my rules too is if you just want to show them

that they are

their ways you

never will they’ll

never see it

they’ll think that

they showed you up they don’t

think you should have them

so rare for like a

reflective moment like you know what

but you never know man you

might be able to with no

aggression like you

might be able to show someone like just

in a very calm way it’s very hard

it’s very hard for them

to accept it but the occasional person will accept it

occasional person who’s just confused

a lot of people man

the reason why they

lash out is because

really they just want someone to love them there’s

no one loves them

you know and this

is a lot of fucking

humans out there

there’s a lot of people that they live

these terrible fucking lives

i think i don’t know who it was i

think it was

some fucking famous guy

was it emerson i don’t know who it was is this quote

what was it

god damn it

i’m too high

taylor got into a somebody yelled at him

in the supermarket parking lot because he’s

going in the wrong way and somebody is you know

i got into an accident once that way

and he said he goes

yeah i bet you got into an accident somebody’s

going the right way

like what does that mean

prove anything

god damn i forgot the quote

what was it what was it about

i remember too much weed

all right tempe arizona this weekend hey

going to the chat there’s been a lot of good questions

what are the questions

like give us one brian send it out loud

stop talking about comedy

that’s not a question really i don’t know

what are the other questions more of a question form

dude enough about stand up comedy

listen you don’t have to watch it folks

if you’re not enjoying it

just fucking

trust the oscars

go on do your own thing you know i give up on the

oscars when

in the bedroom lost to that fucking

terrible mind or whatever the split personality guy

right hurt what

i was just like

one more than avatar

and that just hurts my soul cause i know

joe you like the hurt lager but i just

it hurts me why

cause the special effects didn’t win

it’s just a boring ass fucking movie and i just can’t

understand why everyone

thinks it’s like the next awesome

thing well i understand

why people care the movie they like or don’t like

win some fucking award well because then there’s a

movie like avatar that’s just like something

brand new like i’ve never seen this before i’ve

never experienced anything like this before

brian did you get avatar

depression when you found out it wasn’t real

no there’s a whole thing with that people miss that

world because it’s like a form of

depression no no

no i’ve only seen it once mister you saw it

three times i’ve seen it once saw three

i’m just saying that they’re not saw together right yes

it’s fun man it was a fun ass movie

it was like a goddamn comic book like

going to see a comic book my thing’s

like oh man

it’s just like the pocahontas that shut up

shut the fuck up i don’t care

i like stories

that wrap up nice and neat

whatever people say this shit

short or shitty i was like no no you’re

right when they point out details but yeah

that was a little that took me out of a little bit but

whatever it’s fine i

think the reason

i care is because it seems like okay you saw the same

movie i saw

and yet you

think that was enough to beat

amazing to win this

award so it’s like

weird because i

think i’m on a

brave like a wavelength

with people’s intelligence and how they’re thinking

and it just

blows it out of the

water like there was a million

movies better than a hurt

locker i think

i like the hurt

locker man i thought was pretty good best

movie of the year you know what i didn’t like no

no i thought it was a unique movie

i thought it was i don’t

you know i think

probably because the fact that we’re in this middle

is unpopular

war it was very

controversial they

made a point

it was actually art they

made a point i

think so pointless

born up you

know but you know

resolution that’s one of the reasons why you got

extra special

treatment i mean i

think if this was done

well who knows

it could be done during a year

where there’s no war

reflect on how we don’t have

war movies all the time but

i thought it was pretty good man i really liked it i

watched it granted

while being held captive on a plane

you know i couldn’t go

anywhere i was in my seat i couldn’t go anywhere and so

i enjoyed it

i was actually looking forward to it because i

heard a lot of people said good things

about it i thought it was pretty good

it was interesting it wasn’t i didn’t know too much

about it so that was good

i didn’t know any spoilers

it captivated me the whole way

that movie took

place four years ago

all right the

scene of that

movie we did

at the beginning of it he’s playing xbox 360

fucking fun fact right you are such a freak

i read that last night oh you fucking cat

my first commercial i did with that guy’s jeremy renner

knocked out my cool

story though was it my first commercial oh yeah

well that’s interesting man

so did you read

about this online or did you figure it out yourself

easter egg no the xbox

three six oh yeah yeah yeah i’m a

movie nerd like that wait

so i like reading mistakes that people do say was they

read it or you

write it did it say the date of the

movie of the movie like in the i guess so yeah

it was on kentucky

or something like that i thought

would you see it was great

you thought it was great too

yeah wow fuck

so you guys didn’t sit there and go wow

i just watched one really slow mission yes

there was there was a

little more

crazy action yeah but

you never know what the fuck was happening

it wouldn’t be exciting if you saw it two times but the

first time you did not fucking know that guy was not

gonna blow up

and it was very

scary there was a part in the beginning of the

movie when that guy blows up spoilers

there’s a lot of shit that’s happening see i

never felt the the tension you

have attention

i understand what you’re saying

no it didn’t

work on accident

we’re getting jack

i understand

what you’re saying there were a couple

times we did feel attention but a lot of it was slow

it was fucking slow i

understand that the tension part

i guess what

didn’t work they failed on the tension for me

well in your eyes i wasn’t

stoned they succeeded

you don’t have to be i wasn’t

i was totally sober

i wasn’t bad

going oh my god

i mean i was at the

movie theater

yeah yeah yeah the movie theater i didn’t see

that’s maybe that’s the

problem man you in the shit copy it was a blu ray cop

great i mean

it was at the imax theater in 3d

what the fuck

brian what are you

great at ria

busted down your doors

right now and took you out of here

yeah you don’t have anything illegal in

everything no just

no just everything

gigs and gigs

about that man do you

think we’re getting really

close to the

point where you can

just download shit and put it directly on your tv and

super high quality in real time we’re there

but i mean like i heard

about it people doing it easily with mac minis and

stuff like that

i know people how is

it gonna make

money with movies

well i don’t care

people are still

going to the

movies right sure i don’t care

yeah it’d be nice if everyone else does accept me

people said that in

movies yeah

it’s a nice

experience like there’s like 3d

was there any

copies of avatar online anywhere

yeah but a lot of people

still want to see that that’s the

whole thing

i mean this

movies that you will download that

stupid comedies

and you’re just like i’m not paying to see that

i’ll fucking download dude sony has a new tv coming out

a 3d tv that i

tried out at the mall

it comes out this summer

right dude it’s fucking

crazy right you put goggles on they have a battery you

press a button and

these guys are

playing soccer and the ball is just flying at your

face it was just goggles yeah

mike’s not a tv

the tv’s wacky

my tv does that

right you don’t have the goggles on you look at it

oh so you look after my

tv does that

right now it’s

capable of samsung

you hook up a computer to it and it renders anything

3d into the good 3d just like that so when avidar

comes out on 3d you can do that yeah

if i wanted to but so

i’m not gonna buy

those goggles and

shit like that

so how much

programming is it like

if you watch the office is that coming in 3d

that’s a good question

i don’t know

that’ll be crazy i don’t

think the 3d is

gonna catch on

this is just

a program but why not

because you know how many people you

might think it’s cool

but you know how many people are like you know what i’m

gonna buy a

whole new tv just so i can have this

right no especially

after they just made us all

buy new ones anyway

hdtv took a long blu rays barely

still kept holding

on that’s true that’s true because regular tv

still looks pretty fucking badass

and people go how much better is it really

you might skip

the next five

bucks instead of 20 bucks

no in this economy

you pay 20 bucks you get the regular one you know i

give a shit

and honestly 3d to me man

like even when i go to the imax

movie theaters

i’m still kind of like you know what

i don’t know if i like this yet

you know like it’s kind of cool but

you need to just go

ahead and suck some cock

just go do it

just go run

san francisco

it’s there it’s getting better and better run

to wherever the hardest cocky

things gonna be

waiting it’s getting better and better and better

but you still

feel like you’re looking through something like it

still hasn’t gotten to the

point where i’m like i’m in

i completely

i go to that

movie theater and it

doesn’t feel perfect

but i put those

glasses on and i watch

those dudes in avatar

floating inside

that room i was like holy shit this is awesome

that movie is an event

it’s not just a

movie it’s not just you

going and watching a

bunch of shit happen

the thing that’s

great about avatar it’s like a goddamn

comic book ride

it’s like a ride like a super ride

at universal city walk

that’s one of the

things i said

about it like

the acting is kind of clunky all

right so gornie weaver

sounds like she’s like mailing in a

bunch of times oh

yeah she gave the fuck up like come on guys

are we serious here

where’s my cigarette it’s like whoa

it seemed like the kind of acting that you see

in those rides at universal city walk

like right before you go on the ride they make you

watch them back to the future

clip where they

explain what happened

we’re in a bad situation guys

we’ve got to get through the

tunnel quickly

before the nuclear bomb

explore like just

not much time please in an

orderly fashion

hurry up and get into your chair

my popcorn yeah

exactly exactly

tell me it wasn’t lame when when they said when all the

other armies came out to fight them

we were like oh we got all the

other armies to come out we were like what

where were they the

whole time i

never heard

about them they’re

right over there

what the navi

why didn’t you just get them earlier

yeah like what are you guys doing

yeah just in

order for it to really work

they all these

places that bought

their hd cameras now have to buy

3d cameras like all these

shows have to be filmed a different way

right but that’s

gonna happen

brian because they used to have to do

black and white

that’s what they did they did

black and white

they went from

black with color

they went from

color to hd they’re

gonna go why

wouldn’t it have happened already

because it’s all

3d has been

huge i bet they

might i bet before 3d

i bet before

3d they could skip

to the next technology

never been that interesting

during the black and

white early

color years of

television when you

first saw 3d you probably thought

this is a break you’re talking to

someone who saw jaws 3d

right yeah you

have fucking

boring shit

it’s still sweet when that

shark comes at you like

it’s so dumb but

back then you also thought

video games were like this that were like amazing

right that’s why

things improve and

technology advances that’s why 3d’s

come into its own i just

think that 3d

would have been popular

in the past

it wasn’t good there’s no way you guys

can sell this

i think it’s

gonna work actually it’s the future for sure

movies are way more exciting when they’re in three d

way more interesting it’s more

layered it’s like i heard alice

in wonderland

is the shit

i heard the

video the visuals are incredible that’s wrong

did you read the article on in gadget

no this guy totally puts a details review

of why it sucks in 3d

it makes so much sense

like the director used

layers in the

movie in certain ways to give an effect of depth

and then 3d comes in there and

changes what he was doing and it’s

supposedly just does not work oh

really yeah

so it would be cool if you saw it in 2d

yeah exactly that’s what he

said you said it wasn’t filmed

for 3d and that’s what i’m saying all

these things

avatar was no way

no way tim burton does

not know his film is being filmed for 3d no no no dude

he did not film it for a 3d

movie that’s what i’m trying to say avatar

was filmed in regards to his

movie they filmed it as a 2d

movie and they 3d

it for 3d right

wow i don’t know man i’d have to see it

see that’s what i’m saying all these shit

would have to be filmed in 3d and

it’s going to take a lot of people to go

really do we want to

spend this whole movie being a 3d movie

they’re like jaws 3d

they had to go back

you’re crazy listen to me dummy

they’re gonna do it for every single gigantic explosive

action it would make sense it’s

gonna make much more excited it would make sense

cooler every monster movie

way more 2d than 3d

it make way more in two days and three d

and ticket sales

oh no because

yes they do in a ton

more yeah but you do both at the same time because

it’s theater

and also the three d hypes up

the sales of the two they had to re release jaws

three and non three d because it didn’t do so

fucking terrible

that’s fucking thinking about you

it was like there’s only like one effect

it was like it was so dumb

it was like one

effect the shark coming at you it was like such a

stupid ass movement

like we’re not in the ocean we get it i just think

that’s my bet

your what i think 3d is gonna be fail

and what do you think’s

gonna skip to them what’s next

like like more better than that like

kind of like a projection hologram in your house

type shit dude i

think that’s i think that’s coming too i

think you’re right but i think

until that does come this is pretty fucking

sounds like no

he’s gonna come

it’s gonna come more wall like

paper lcd technology where this whole wall

is gonna be like computer large size

this screen

you know you know

you’ll ever get to a

point where everything is controlled by your

voice or you think that’s just absolutely

really but what

about if you don’t want to talk what if it’s at

night at night at work my

password it’s like real

mike on password xxx you know

hmm but you

would have another interface or a keyboard or something

keyboard yeah yeah you just go up to the wanga keyboard

will keyboards always be here or do you think the

voice recognition will get so good that it’ll be


i think eventually it will get so good

do you use voice

technology at all do you ever use it

i used it briefly on my

android and it was

amazing it was way better than i’ve ever used it ever

it was perfect that’s why i keep hearing

about that cause it’s okay with some things

it’s okay with blackberry

like blackberry you could say like call brian

and it’ll call you

you know it’s pretty good about that yeah

which number cell

right calling yeah my look it’s

bad in my car it works well yeah

it’s bad in my car i have the ford edge

and yeah and it’s like call joe

what number

calling sally calling

sally but i think that’s also the noise of the road

that’s why i like instead of the

when you’re doing it in a car it’s a

speakerphone it’s like talking it’s not crisp

so what i always do is i always do it straight from the

phone as you’re talking right into that little tiny mic

and it’s pretty direct

seems pretty accurate

enough you know it beats like having to press buttons

i don’t want to press buttons when i’m driving it’s all

right gone through the bluetooth so it’s all

that’s one of the coolest things ever

you know that you can have

you could drive in your car and talk to people on the

phone with both hands on the steering wheel

that’s just nuts

did you hear about this company overseas

is released in the

first jetpack that you can buy there’s gonna be

about 500 of them being made

and they’re going for

about 70 000 each

gonna have to go about 30 feet i’ll go to 200 it

lasts 30 minutes i believe 30

minutes god

that’s awesome yeah

that was a long time

30 minutes you’d be bored already

you’d have to set your alarm

fuck that toyota

can’t even get to

what if you have a jetpack and you only go

five feet off the ground

just keep fucking what if it

freaks out and goes 500 feet in the ground and you’re

stuck up in the air

you’d have to have some sort of a parachute right

you have to be able to cut the jetpack off to the

extra weight

imagine we dropped out someone’s fucking head

no you wouldn’t be able to

cut it off they

wouldn’t let you

yeah cause you’re doing that

what the fuck

planned out

did you see how many toyotas were recalled in

japan one last night

in san diego did you hear about it

the guy couldn’t stop and the police cop got

to the side of him and was like

using his peers like

hit the power button

the guy was kept on hitting the

power button when work he was

standing on the

break he said just like full blast

and then and then

i don’t understand it

but i think it has something to do

where it’s just won’t let you do anything

and then the cop had to get in front of him and i

guess and like the

so you know that kind of

break his car

oh my god i’m guessing

well that’s

a standard clutch

you know you could

always put it in yourself slow

down that way

we have standard even a manual


you can always put it into zero and into neutral

and the emergency

brake doesn’t work yeah i don’t get how

well maybe maybe the computer

wouldn’t let the


switch gear

no emergency

brake mercy

break doesn’t

this was on a

really a parking

breaker you know

so you yeah

but you would have

definitely put that on

oh fuck you would have

tried but he’s

standing on his

break george

lucas says that he’s found

things that are

wrong with the prius that he says is a software

issue that he can duplicate yeah

he said he’s still

denied listen

george but not george

lucas george

wozniak what’s his name

steve wozniak

george lucas

just like that old rich guys

i love them all together

kenny rogers

kenny rogers

anyway steve wozniak who’s one of the

super geniuses who founded apple

he has a prius and he said that there’s an

issue with the accelerator

and he can replicate it

he can do like a specific number of

things you know you hit the blinker do this do that

it’ll happen

and he said he can do it safely

and he shows them how to do it

this is a software issue

that’s what’s so

scary about these fucking computer control cars man

computers crash

you know there’s some beauty in like an old mustang

you know you turn the fucking key

the ignition fires up boom

the fucking tack is there

the speedometer is there broom broom

smell the fucking gasoline

you know i’m saying there’s no nothing helping you out

stupid you got drum brakes

okay those brakes suck dick

they’re terrible

they don’t slow you down

they’re like they barely work you know you got you know

three hundred fifty three hundred

seventy five fucking american

horsepower from a high torque v8

nasty sound exhaust you just drive

stick shift

four on the floor

everything that got more advanced

the more advanced it gets the more you take a chances

when you go to fucking software

that should just

break on you

my bracelets to go so bad when i was in high

school and you have

money to fix them

it would be an adventure to stop

from thirty

miles an area

please please no no

they just eventually

right in front of the car in

front of you stop like oh god

all right good

amazing when you were

allowed to drive when you were

young how fucking dumb you

weren’t you

still drive

driving i should be

thirty a destroyer

a giant machine that

could kill people

and you’re sixteen you’re allowed to fucking

hammer around on it so crazy

yeah it’s amazing that we’re all alive

come on i got a

ton of accents

mostly i drove like a retard

hmm i just these cars

could not do what i wanted them to do

it was hitting

trees and shit

i mean when i was sixteen

i was just too way too wild to get a driver’s license

there’s no way that should

i should have

been riding the bus getting my shit together for at

least another two years

by the time i was eighteen i melled out

gotten used

to the fact that i was driving around then i was

then i was safe

between 16 and 18 that shit

yeah there’s no way

yeah drive as

fast as you possibly can for like 30 yards yeah

retard and then screeching

yeah just no reason cutting people off

one reds yeah

it’s scary shit man

it’s scary shit all the different automated

things there

going on today so many different

things are automated you know

what scares the shit out of me is

these drones that they use overseas

you know when they have these

drones that fly

above pakistan

and launch missiles down

because we’re not at war we’re not in pakistan

but there’s like

you know taliban’s that are in pakistan

so we want to fuck them up

so we send these

robots in space

i mean this is like fucking

this is really like science fiction

we send these flying

robots that we remotely control from a base somewhere

these dudes are

literally using xbox controllers because

these kids are so used to playing xbox they know

those computers so well

they just program

the software to control those drones

use that same device

so they got a fucking xbox controller

and they’re

controlling yeah what if your controller goes out

well anything can happen anything can happen

just drops over somebody’s house

yeah well people have died a

bunch of people have died a lot of

civilian casualties

a lot yeah these

drones i mean

they’re very effective

but shit man you’re launching missiles from the sky

you know who the fuck knows you’re american

citizens no

no he’s partying people

they’re getting jacked left and right

in pakistan as well it’s

a scary thing man

they fire something called hell fire missiles

that’s what they named him hellfire

you know not like

freedom maker or something like that you know

your death yeah

death with a bad afterlife

yeah not like yeah

i like the strong arm of peace

coming from below hell fire claim you

motherfucker hellfire

that doesn’t make you feel good

the whole idea of the whole war so crazy

what’s really crazy is that the cia

had the president

of afghanistan’s brother on his fucking payroll

really yeah and this guy is like

deep in the poppy business

that cia was paying him it was just recently revealed

the cia has been paying him for a long time

he was on the cia fucking payroll

he’s the brother of the president in afghanistan

and he’s in the poppy business

i mean the whole thing is

crazy that’s ninety something percent of the

world’s heroin

all comes from from afghanistan

ninety something percent

guaranteed some

evil motherfucker and

some high lofty position you know i want to name the

the organization

because who the fuck knows who’s really

bringing it in i mean

even has a name

those guys are profiting off that make

money off it


for sure it’s

been proven many many times you know there’s a

plane that the cia

had we talked

about this before on the show

this plane had

crashed in mexico

with four tons of cocaine in it

and it was a jet that had been to guantanamo bay twice

it was a cia jet

this fucking jet

had been to guantanamo bay on two separate occasions

and this fucking

thing was flying cocaine

into the united

states and crashed in mexico

four tons of coke man

so many different stories about

if you want to look at any of the stuff

online look up that plane that

crashed then look up the

story of barry seals

eric seals was a guy who

was a drug runner who would fly drugs in from

south america to the united

states and drop them off in mina arkansas

in a little plane

and he would drop a parachute

well these two kids saw the drop off one day

and they caught

the kids because they didn’t want the kids telling

they killed them

and their parents

found out that it

was a murder because the cops had said that they found

these kids on the

train tracks apparently

they placed

their bodies on the

train tracks on over

and they said oh

they got stoned and they laid out on the

train tracks

and the parents did autopsies had

autopsies they

found they found

knife wounds

the kids had been stabbed

so they stabbed

these kids and killed them

and then they laid them on the

tracks and so

then it became this gigantic investigation

who was flying blah blah blah

they get a hold of this guy

barry seals and

barry seals is

totally spills the beans

tells the whole

story all the different shit that he did he’s

ready to testify

goes to court and they fucking assassinate him

literally on his way to court

so this dude’s on his way to

court he’s got george bush

george bush’s

phone number in his pocket at the time

and he gets

murdered in his car on the way to talk about it

and this is guy that was an employee of the cia and

there’s not just

those there’s a

bunch of them

michael rupert

there’s a guy who wrote a

book about it he was an lapd detective

and something in

lapd i don’t know i don’t know what he was

but he busted the cia

selling drugs

and he’s like and he was told to back off the case

he’s like this is fucking insane

and he’s written books

about it he’s got this

website from the wilderness com i

believe it is you

know it’s all detailing all the different corruption

and they’re doing it

right in front of everybody’s fucking face

that’s the crazy thing

i mean think

about how much goddamn cocaine is in this country

it’s not all coming in because of retarded criminals

because most people that

are smuggling cocaine so

huge organizations yeah

it’s the government

the government

has something to do with it for sure someone in some

some aspect

why wouldn’t they if

these people want to do drugs you know what the fuck

who’s making

money off the drugs

they probably feel like look

the bad guys

gonna make money off

the drugs anyway let’s just cut them out we’ll take the

money fuck it drugs

are gonna be out there no matter what you do

and it’s all like a nice little

cycle because the more people get arrested for

those drugs the more

these prison

private prison companies and companies that own

these gigantic prisons

the more they’re

happy because more people are in

their prisons

and the more people that are in private prisons

the more profit they make

so they support all

this shit so they actually support drugs being illegal

they want them to be legal

they push for it it’s fucking crazy

the whole big package is fucking crazy

and the idea that the government

is behind it all that there’s evidence of it

just makes the

whole thing mind blowing it’s just so nuts

the fact that

the bea you

know is like in cahoots

with the cia and they

all it’s all like a big game at the very top it’s all

horseshit it’s all just profit and money

how much fucking

money must they even make it

there must be so much money in drugs who gets the money

i don’t know that’s the good question right

that’s a good question how many people are involved

and where does it go

i mean if a cia if someone in the cia

someone in the organization really is selling drugs

is it just every now and then a rogue

agent goes fucking nutty and

cut some deal with some fucking no

you think it’s all the time

that’s how it gets in the country

what you’re saying yeah i mean

how many times

has it happened though i mean how much cocaine

do we have already here how long does

cocaine last

you know if you

bring in a whole gigantic

ship full of it

where would you keep it

how long does it take to get on the

street someone’s

bringing it in it’s not these

morons it’s not they’d be getting busted left and

right people that are so

crazy that they’re willing to do something that insane

like smuggle

a million dollars for the cocaine

in the country

those people are crazy

those people get busted doing shit that’s not like i

think they were yeah

option that part out

like they hire somebody to transport

the more people you hire the more people

gonna kill you

yeah the more people you hire

the worse your idea is because

the more people that can get busted and wear a wire

and put you in jail

it’s very dangerous the

smart move to do if you’re doing something

to hire as few people

as possible take your own ship over somewhere you have

to do it might be the way to do it

might be the way to do it

you might have to

bring your own ship no way some cartel guy

transports a shit no

those guys don’t do it they hire

other guys do it that’s why they always live in

these fucking

gigantic compounds with fifteen dogs and eighty guns

no fucking nuts man imagine that life

the mexico they’re

going crazy

the mexican drug war is just off the fucking chain

when we talked to victor

about it you know

victor dougla

he just got out our guy from

the ufc who does

spanish commentary

he does my job he just got out of juarez

he was living in juarez

that’s what he says

every time he’s

gonna knock out

does he says gold

i should let that go

that was my biggest regret

you’re not telling

everyone now you know victor says this

that’s hilarious because i thought he did

imagine he did that was his thing

because michael ship

does the k one commentary

he goes the big

kabash really

big kabash when a guy gets cracked

yeah that’s

funny yeah he’s awesome he’s hilarious

more looks than a pirate convention

he says like

crazy shit he’s been

mounted more times than

jenna hayes

really yeah says

that says oh yeah yeah

they let him just do it

they want it the people love it

i think he’s hilarious

would be fun to make this he’s my

favorite guy to listen to

it’s on pinot

he’s a super

long dude man we hung out with him in canada

somewhere yeah in canada in edmonton

and then we hung out with him and his

girlfriend again in australia

super cool dude

couldn’t be nicer

he’s australia that’s right yeah

more hooks than a pirate convention

that’s my favorite one

a pirate convention

my name is mom i’m

a pirate convention how come we don’t hear

about the fucking somalian pirates anymore we got bored

they got canceled

we got bored of

escape there’s two people ever

escaped that guy

english couple still fucked oh really yeah they

still got those bitches

locked up kidnapped them

they want millions

they know these guys are worth millions

who knows what

they’re doing to them too they’re probably fucking them

they’ve been they were surprisingly good about

once you paid the

money they gave

everything that’s it

but what are they doing

right now while

these people aren’t coughing up the

money i bet they’re fucking them

they might why not why

wouldn’t they fuck them

these pretty

white people

silky smooth white skin

worth billions

these guys are like super

super rich are they

are they just like

regular folks no i’m

not the people that

were the people that were kidnapped on the yacht yeah

like the guy and the girl and they were like real

travelers on their own

yeah yeah hmm

that’s so scary

oh another ship

another ship is

turning about we are in

hello there in

2010 this is the internet so we’re

gonna find out cause i

think that’s fucking interesting

cause that’s one of the

things about

traveling is that the

it gets fucking

nerve wracking thinking

about what is safe and what is not in all the laws

some countries don’t have a loss

yeah when i was in brazil

uh huh that scared the shit out of me

brazil brazil it was a

brazil was very much like sao paulo there was

there was a feeling in the air like you know you gotta

watch where you go

most of people were very nice very friendly

a lot of beautiful houses a lot of nice neighborhoods

but it was also like

the arab shook if you go to the

market and heads on jerusalem

you block them to the airport

people like don’t

wow someone from the navy witnessed it

kidnapped british yachtsman oh he’s a yachtsman wow

who is this passing ship

hello there

what do you want what no

oh my god yeah oh my god she’s spreading it

she’s pasty white now she’s

she’s pasty white these are their pasty

white rich english people oh my god they must have

fucked travelling around the ocean and oh really good

these fucking people went these guys are nuts

they went from turkey

through africa down through saudi arabia to

somalia i love put that so far off the twitter

pirates vs ninjas who would you choose go

ninja what about pirates are i mean

you actually wear

about this longer than

where is it on the ocean or you lost

i’m sorry ninjas always the immediate answer

why how they’re gonna take the

ocean they don’t have both ninjas

just why it’s better because when you’re a

ninja you know

for sure you can kick that pirates ass yeah

no no one’s

they should make a movie

where it’s like a ninja who’s also a pirate

you’re a fucking 12 yeah pirate’s a pirate

do they have that yet they probably they

should you are 12 year old boy son

like he takes off his mask and he has like a little eye

patch under his mask

and there’s like a squished parrot like yeah

okay these people have not paid yet the pirates believe

these people

are wealthy that’s what it is they’re not wealthy

all they have

they put into

their yacht

all their money they put into the yacht

wow these guys are fucked

wow this is scary shit man

they went nutty man

these people sailed

all the way down that’s the

dream to fucking somalia

with the suez canal they went to mumbai

they went across the

ocean to india

and then they

went all the way back towards tanzania and that’s

where they got jacked

this is this is the

dream of sailing around the

world what’s happening

around the world my

parents did that

you know my parents went to the florida keys and they

lived in the bahamas

for a while

you know but it’s

nerve wracking man

you’re living on a fucking boat out in the water and

you know when

storms come your fucking

house is literally flopping back and forth and it

might go under other

houses are gonna

crash into it

my dad had to get up in the middle of the

night and go out

in the middle of horrible

rough waters

climb on other people’s boats

and secure their anchors because they didn’t secure

their anchor correctly

and their boats were drifting

and they had to

worry about

their boats

slamming into this

boat really

yeah it’s dangerous shit they

had a little sailboat and they

lived on a little sailboat for a couple of years

pretty nutty shit man

anyway what i’m trying to say is you go to

these other

places you realize like god damn we’re

lucky it’s safe here you know

trying to say take flights

human beings are

we are only as

civilized as our circumstances

you know and i

learned that when

we were in san francisco and the fucking we thought the

building was on fire you know

i was really

thinking like how am i

going to do this when we’re evacuating

there was 15 flights of

stairs people were

going down the

stairs in single file

and people were panicking

and they were asking

questions they were stopping the line and they were

going really slow

and they were shitting

their pants

while this is all happening

you could look down through the spirals and see the

smoke coming up from the bottom and i was

ready to jump

i was ready to just

start climbing down i was

ready to just

start fuck you

i’m just going to

start climbing

people are panicking

and they’re not

going fast enough

they’re like

freaking out and

they’re everyone’s in

every floor they’re merging and you

start thinking like this is how someone could die

you can die like this

you can get

stuck in a fucking fire man this is

scary shit very very

scary shit yeah that

that really

freaked me out and

now i hate going

i used to like to be at the top

floor for some reason

i get as high as i can get like when i go to a hotel

no no no no

you have like

second floor

because of that yeah you know that

that was one of the

worst times

in my life that’s the only time ever i thought i

would for sure was gonna die

like i thought i didn’t

think i was

gonna die but i thought

we were in a very very bad situation here i was very

thankful when we got out and

everything was okay

and it turned out it wasn’t really a fire that the

smoke was actually the fire extinguishers

cause these assholes got

drunk like 4 30 in the morning just

started spray

did you fart no who’s saying that it was him that

sprayed the shower

it probably was how dare you but it was

it was the whole fucking room

the whole floor was

covered in this

smoke and the fire alarms went off i

guess because they activated the did the

thing so there was no real fire but god damn it was

scary as fuck it could have very easily been a fire

it’s terrifying shit yeah

that energy could just overcome you you know

that’s one of

those old ass buildings they’re not safe man

single fire staircases oh

that was awful

they could suck it 12 floors going into one

15 yeah 15 was

floors going into one staircase

i think there was other ones but they were like hidden

staircases there were so many

people that were walking so slow they were panicking

they had just

woken up and

they were delirious and they were unhealthy

and they weren’t athletic they

weren’t like people who

like to move well

so here they get up

and some people need a long ass fucking time to get

going like they’re in

their 60s and 70s

and all of a

sudden you put them on a

staircase like oh my god i’m

gonna die because this guy can’t walk

you gotta walk faster

buddy you gotta walk

there’s a gap in

front of you

motherfucker you know

normally there’s a gap on the

stairs it doesn’t mean shit but when you see

smoke on a second floor

and there’s like

you know ten

feet between you and the next guy you’re like dude you

gotta move man

what are you doing to my cat

he’s attacking brian

he has to put his

sleeve over his hand or she scratches it up can’t play

you can’t rub her

belly she wants to bite

orange sphere will be right back

ladies and gentlemen and now we’re gonna go to

your emails and calls and

your calls eventually

when are we gonna do the skype thing man

right now oh

no skype no don’t do it right now

i won’t answer the calls fucking johnny depp live

who’s johnny depp pirate

so we’re ninjas bro we are already likes the pirates

this guy says that’s why i

bring a collection of

sheets just in case i need to tie them together and dip

dude don’t think i wasn’t

thinking about it

and the lower i got the more i was

thinking okay

maybe i could jump out from here and live

maybe i could jump out from here and live

you start thinking

crazy shit yeah you know your survival instincts

you really become an animal you become an organism

that’s trying to survive you don’t really think

about anything else

that’s why this into the

world shit’s

crazy when the zombies come and shit because

i’m gonna be like the

first one to like eat the

you know somebody in our group yeah

we gotta hear

why do you think that

i don’t know i’m just kidding but i

think you know i mean i

was thinking about

zombies we’ve talked

about this before

i think this

whole idea of reincarnating people

after they’re dead

you know like the

whole cryogenics

thing where they’re taking people into

freezing them like they do at walt disney

i think if there are really zombies that’s a zombie

a zombie is when a person dies

their soul goes to the next

stage of existence

their energy

their essence

and you just reanimate

their flesh

and that flesh needs to stay

alive but it

doesn’t think at all it’s like

just moving on instincts is like trying to eat

things in front

of it and trying to bite your arm and eat it

cause it’s hungry

remember that old

experiment with the dog

where they brought dogs back to life

do you ever see that

is that the russian film yes yeah what is that oh you

gotta look that up on google

they have like this head of a dog

and they hook it up to

these chemicals

and the dog just

starts coming back to life

like starts licking his lips

what was it russian

russian experiment

yeah scientist dog dead

vagina black vagina

black vagina

a russian scientist

kept a dead dog severed head alive

dude that is one of the creepiest videos i ever saw

and that’s probably something like that’s zombie dog

right there

that’s a zombie dog they could live with electrical

stimulation yeah now imagine like if they made

a thing that they

could just put a collar around its neck to do the same

thing digs into the right things i can control it

well i think for sure you know one of the things that

those people here’s the

video wow that’s the dog oh my god zombie dog oh my god

is there a video yeah i’m gonna put it on twitter

first so we can all watch together

how hilarious is jimmy kimmel

you guys are watching you know what was the best

thing that thing that he did with

leno when he came out as leno and did his

whole show as leno

did you tweet it that’s it yeah cartoon

that’s real explaining how he does it

so i was feeding the dog brain

this is just some mad scientist shit

they’re trying to figure out what makes

flesh and tissue

alive and this

dog they’re feeding

blood to this dog’s head

while this fucking dog’s head is severed

i mean this

is they’re explaining it in a cartoon form but then i

watched it do it

look at that

yeah freaky

that’s insane

they kept that dog’s head

alive for hours look it’s moving around

it’s reacting when he tickles its nose wow

can’t bark it’s got no

voice box it’s got no lungs man right

he’s got nothing it’s insane

citric acid he’s taking citric acid

out what are you gonna do put on his nose

can you imagine

doing that to

like your old pet because you wanted to make it

feel like it’s still

alive oh my god

he’s licking it

that is insane

the dog’s head is

completely removed

from its body and it’s licking its nose the guy

covered its nose with

citric acid wow

it’s so cute

it’s a cute dog

he’s looking

at his nose why they have to chop his fucking head off

so did they

just to figure out that he can do it

oh look at this

he’s blinking oh my god they poured light on his back

oh don’t do

that sound sound

they picked up a hammer

we gonna smash his face

yeah do you know not the ground i know

brian did you

know the ground with a hammer

did you watch a video oh he’s reacting to noise look

at that he’s trying to get away from the hammer

noise oh my god that’s so

crazy now did they cut his head off and then put it

right on that machine

so they didn’t really ever die

chopped his fucking head off they didn’t

bring it back to life

i don’t actually i

don’t kill them don’t know

exactly how long it was

but this crazy guy did a bunch of these kind of

experiments fuck that’s so scary

very interesting it’s like

guys want to do something that dark

i mean i understand

it’s all for the name of science and all that

stuff but the guy is willing to take an animal and

completely disregard

suffering just to find out

what you can do to it

that guy will do that to people

right that’s what i think

i think i mean

maybe not but what

about lab rats

where’s the line

yeah what is the line

i think when you realize

their people suck

why not take

there was a guy who

recently got

arrested i want to be in charge of choosing

that yeah he’s been

sent being sentenced

right now he was on a dating game back in the 70s

and this chick turned him down

i’ll find that too

the chick turned him down and

after the chick turned him down because the

chick didn’t want to go out with him

well it turned out before he

was even on the show in 1968 he’d already raped a child

he raped a 12 year old girl

they didn’t know about it

so he gets on the show

he wins the girl

doesn’t want to date him

the girl doesn’t want to date him and

he goes on a fucking killing spree

and kill her

no he doesn’t kill

her but he kills a

child he kills

i think four people

took one teenage girl

out into the woods

optimized her and

smashed her fucking head with a rock i mean

he did some horrible horrible shit

he’s a evil fuck

and i mean that guy let’s do cut his fucking head off

you know i’m saying

you guys kill four people

rapes and sodomize

the chick kills with a rock

let’s cut his

head off why we kidding this dog didn’t do shit

you know that guy is the one that’s number one

will fucking kill you that’s what it is this is the guy

this is him in

court right now whoa he got way

older well this is 1978 bro

but he went on a fucking killing spree

he raped her with a claw

hammer so they’re all repeatedly

all of them

were repeatedly strangled and then resuscitated

during their

deaths to prolong

their agony

oh really he

woke him up

again he’s hot

evil evil fuck yeah she was hot and

smart she smartened up

even in 1978 she knew the

other dudes who were on the show with him

they said that he was so creepy they were like

they didn’t even realize

that they were leaning away from him really yeah

and they said they didn’t

elect though the locker room like it wasn’t the

dresser in the

green room it

wasn’t like all jokes like hey we’re on this

crazy tv shows like i’m

gonna win you fucking

piece of shit

it’s my fucking show

like he was like

aggressive with them like

crazy like this guy’s fucking creepy

turns out he’s a serial killer

you know that

guy we should

experiment on that

motherfucker right

and that’s the guy we

should be killing not a goddamn dog

right out of

here yeah maybe

i want to sit and

study and ask me questions

i know right

yeah he’s a

defense to oh

even better

i wonder how they caught him i don’t know the

whole story

i don’t know

look at it man what a creepy fuck man

there’s people that

enjoy they truly

enjoy hurting

other people

you know they’re broken

their wires are just

completely crossed

and they actually

enjoy it man that’s fucked up but

talk about manson and how we

tried it for the monkeys

did he really yeah

and like if he had gotten it would he

still gone crazy

my friend was like yes he

would have been a

crazy monkey

so it would have

been way more

crazy because what if he became one of the

monkeys and he got fucking

famous and then had incredible

power i mean the

power he had over

chicks he was

three feet tall and a fucking ex con

it was all over hollywood

because we always have hot

chicks around them

so everyone in hollywood invited them over i don’t

think dudes don’t do that to

us plants gets placed

there’s always guys that are like in

vegas especially

that party those

who get a lot of hot

chicks with us come on down with us

they’re always trying to talk to like

ufc guys and

fighters like

why you try

why are you telling guys you have a lot of hot

chicks with you

you have a lot of hot

chicks with you like

are you like just a really

super cool guy wants to make everybody

happy or are

you just trying to make

friends with everybody and this is like the bait you’re

throwing out there yeah that’s it

yeah that’s it it’s

weird that’s right

that’s some manson step shit

the problem is always like i have a lot of hot

chicks me like

what am i gonna do with that

scary shit to meet them

yeah yeah exactly are

the prostitutes that are willing to have sex with me

or something

otherwise like what do you i don’t understand

do you want to talk

about your last time

standing thing i want a last

time standing yes sir i

audition for it

what do you mean

and i to talk about

think about rules of like nbc

i have no idea i’m sure you’re allowed

and then i get

there and they said this year they wanted to do

what’s it called

more respectable

judges because they’re afraid of aunt

that level of

comic where they were like you know

people the comments

don’t really want to do it so they got

greg geraldo and andy kendler

who i expect and then at the last

minute i found out

twenty before i got there went on

that my ex girlfriend itasha

was one of the judges

now this is not just an ex girlfriend

but there’s a

there’s a big ass

story to it

and one of them is that already

at one point in time was quite

upset with her and all right

yes and oh the water

yeah yeah she left me for some guy on matt tv and then

and then she

started hanging around

my safety spot my clubhouse

and making it uncomfortable for me

and then she

started dating

my friend and then she was hanging around the clubhouse

again i threw

water on her face

so that’s the best

judge right

not the one i want to be up

i was like oh

really and then they started

grilling me

about it like

right before i go on a camera ask me

these questions that i’m

before yeah

right before and i’m like i don’t know

did you answer me

that’s not failing

what absolutely thought

about it but i love uncomfortable

situations so much i even said that i was like

you do if i could

watch it to be better but

i think we all do from working at the

store it’s just

so awkward i love

it so much that i’m willing to put myself through it

just for the awkwardness

well you know how when we were doing

the store and all

those years we’d have

those crazy late

night shows like i

think there’s something

about those late

night shows that like set

you know if there’s times when we did gigs together

where like if i did a gig with like

tripoli or me and brett

ernst and and

mike young did a show once in hollywood florida mm hmm

and everybody killed

and one of the

things when brent earned

said when he killed

like right after

he was bringing me up in

those comedy

store motherfucker

you know it was like like joking around like we did

clubhouse yeah

yeah it’s a

mentality it’s like

you know you’re working

in dark situations

the comedy store if you don’t know the way

it is always been

in la used to be that the

criminals ran the insane people ran the

asylum but now

more it’s managed

its kind of sucks now because

still the door guys are all want to be comics

everyone’s a

comic they’re outside smoking and drinking

when there’s some

five hecklers in there yelling at you

and eventually someone will get them the

place is entirely

black everything’s

black the walls are

black the floor

or it’s so dirty

the coloring is

black the building the

whole building is

black it’s a

black building

and it’s just dark man

and it used to be a nightclub

where buzzy

siegel owned it in the 1930s and shit called sea rose

and it was like a mob joint

where like dudes were killed there

you know so it’s got this

weird fucking feel

to it i mean

for sure they chop people up and

threw them in the fucking

freezer in that

place yeah they had this

what’s it called the window

where they said yeah

demar and jerry

lewis used to

watch the opening acts from their

green room the

green one has a window

and we could

still use it

today you go up there and you

watch the main room they said that

where they point out for the bouncers

get him out and get him out so they

wouldn’t have to

go and make a hub up in the room

and just drag him out

they said to kill them

for a lot of reasons but

it’s an amazing club there’s

three comedy

rooms in it there’s an upstairs little tiny one

called the belly room there’s

an original room that’s like 200 seats

right about 200

and then there’s a main room it’s like 400 seats

and the fucking club is just so sick man

so much fun shit has happened in that club it’s a

great development room yeah that’s it it’s the best

place to write material it’s less about like

i don’t know

people are so

understood but

not impressed with you there yeah

you don’t showcase there ever

never you’ll eat it

it’s very possible to eat it the yes

never tape with the kaya to make a

table as everyone

never make a tape at the

store you can

never tell what’s

gonna happen you never tell

we’ve been in so

many situations

where people are

screaming things at each other

fights on stage

always pull his cock out at least

10 times that i know of

if i would be willing to bet money

that he’s pulled his dick out 10 times on that

stage that i saw

you saw yeah

we used to pull

his balls out all the time and just do

it like that i

generally just

balls balls out

this went on to

fuck with brody

stevens so i put my balls he hated

anything homosexual

so i pulled my balls out and left a long

t shirt over them

because i was

gonna bring them on

and i had him out before the entire set

and there were a couple times

where i raised my hand like this and people

would see it just go up

a little bit so i had to be conscious of doing my set

with my hands down the whole time

and then when he got out

because we were doing this

thing called cocking

or i would come behind you

and just put my balls

under your arm or something

just somewhere on your body we

never do it to girls

cause that’s creepy

that’s illegal yeah

these illegal

dudes too but if you call the cops you’re a

bitch yeah but brody

was like don’t you ever do that to me i’m like i’m

gonna cop you

and so once i went to

shake his hand i have to get off i just pulled it in

melted for 15 minutes

regular people man with regular jobs cannot

appreciate that

there’s something very fun and being juvenile

and you know everybody wants to get all

mature and everybody wants to

i guess yeah that’s all well and good but

bottom line is your

this is a temporary life

this is temporary

taking yourself or anything seriously seems done to me

it seems like you

should be having as much fun as possible even the silly

stupid shit even

farting on each other

i don’t care it

could be a hundred years from now farting on people is

still gonna be funny

when joey diaz comes over and

farts on you and then waves his hand in

front of his ass

i mean it’s always

funny it’s always disgusting but it gets warmer

that’s how close it is

the only time

it makes you

angry the only time it

would make you angry you’d have to be so fucked up

in your life like you’d have to be in a terrible place

but if at any

normal time in life when he does that it’s hilarious

if you did to him a date

if you can’t

see him do that

let me do this

you get a military

what are you doing here you eating dinner

hey hello miss very nice to meet you

here we go motherfucker bam

look at that

put down your fucking spaghetti and smoke it

oh that’s nice to meet you

sorry about that one your dog

light up

i’ll give it right back he would definitely do that

he’s stolen more lighters from me

i should have lighters with fucking homing beacons

put a little beep beep beep beep beep

he’s always talk about it going to

seven eleven shit steel

and steals got to take her some and he doesn’t like

the airport is that

steal the air but it’s like

by thirty minutes we’re gonna miss like don’t

he still do it dude he just he doesn’t

do it TikToks

remember when we went to mcdonald’s and it was one of

those places where you grab like a quarter

pounder you grab your fries then you go to the cashier

you go i got a quarter pounder fries he’s just like

quarter pounder here quarter

pounder here some french fries in my shirt

get out of here remember the time i stole that food

dude you just gave him up

huh you just gave him up on the internet i’m talking

about duncan try some

brian and i were

waiting for

food once and i forgot to wait in line

and then somebody kept

ordering yelling out taquitos

taquitos and nobody picked them up so i said fuck it

oh that’s right

you did it that’s

right i forgot

you guys are killing me man

wow that was

scary it was

scary we hate so fast i mean

i got caught

for shoplifting was when cds

first came out

and i was like 12 or 13 or something

i wanted a cd

so bad i had

a cd player for my birthday but had one cd it was the

ghostbuster ii

soundtrack so

i was like i need a new cd this

soundtrack sucks and so

i went to the

store with my friend and

i stole three cds

and got caught

and it was so embarrassing because the cds were paula

abdul mc hammer

and something else like van

halen or something like that but

then his family

both of our families had to come when i did

getting caught shoplifting i got

i got caught shoplifting shoplifting

i got caught

shoplifting when i was

about thirteen i

stole a candy bar

and we were

about to leave and go to the movies

and as i’m walking out of this

store this guy came up and

grabbed my arm

really i hate

sitting here me too

fucking went to a pan he goes

what you put in your pocket what

what is this why you got a

candy bar in your pocket like i totally

didn’t even need to do it i just want to see if i

could do it

i had done it a couple of times

i’d stolen like gum or something like that and

i just kept doing it you know when you’re a kid you do

yeah just do it i

think i was 13 i was like 12 i

think but the

thing is you

would have gotten

away with it you

would have got in

trouble with

your parents no i was 13 because i was living in boston

yeah my parents but that’s terrible yeah my parents

never found

out about it i don’t

think i don’t

think they even told

my parents they just told me get the fuck out of there

like candy bar

they give a shit

like we could hold you we can

bring you to jail

and i just said like i’m

sorry i know i did it i’m

stupid i’m sorry i apologize

and i said i got away i told the

truth i said i got

away with it before and for whatever reason i thought i

could get away with it

and they go get the fuck out of here don’t ever come

i kept fucking

catch you doing this

i’m gonna put you a fucking jail

big mustache

big fucking fat head he got my face i was like yes sir

yes sir thank you

thank you very much

yeah i’m glad i got caught

cause if i didn’t i’d probably

i was so addicted

to it because when nintendo came out also

there was a

place called

yeah service

merchandise they didn’t know

about video games they just put them on the

shelf so me and my friend were like ooh

ooh ooh they put 10 in our pants

and then we

would bury it outside of

the store and get it back

later because we didn’t want to

come home and

have one of

those video

games in high

school got busted

stealing like

a thousand dollars

worth of shit

she got in like some real

trouble wow

she last time i girls are

you mom and i saw

these pair of sunglasses i thought were cool

and i put in my pocket as i’m walking out the door my

get this thing goes off

right now right i’m

fuck what am i doing and i was like

seventeen right

it was like enough

where i’m like they’ll just charge me

right not cute

yeah it’s it’s

scary shit my

girlfriend at the time i

think she was fifteen when she got caught

but she just

wanted nice

clothes everybody had nice

clothes and

she was also

raised without her dad

i think when people

are raised without her dad very unbalanced you know

more subjects do crazy shit

her mom worked all day

you know her mom didn’t

have enough

money to take care of her

she couldn’t like put her in like a really

nice daycare so you grew up you know single parent

or single single parent single child

you grew up a little crazy

you know she just thought she

could get away with it she thought she was

smart she was pretty

smart she thought she’d get away with

either because she

was raised with no dad or raised with too much dad yeah

she wasn’t like that come here

she wasn’t fucked up like that

she was just a little crazy

you ever look back on

chicks that you knew when you’re in high

school and say what if i got her pregnant

if i had a fucking kid with her what if i was

still connected to her

what if i was pregnant and didn’t have

money to do the real answer

well could you imagine though

i mean not having

money is one thing

that does suck

but being young and not having

money and trying to figure out how to raise a

child you’re

still trying to figure out yourself

you make the best of your life you

would definitely make the best of your life

it’s so hard not to project on those people

we’re like oh your life

sucks but it’s like no it’s not that bad

they’re fine i would hate to fuck it up i

would hate to fuck up

to raise a kid

when you’re like a kid yourself man

you could do some

irreparable damage to that fucking kid you could

teach them something

some really terrible behavior patterns

model them after you may

think about how dumb you were when you were 18 yeah

now imagine you are

black you had aids and you’re

yeah you live in another country how

about you just like prices that’s what you

mean prices yeah

i haven’t seen it but i could imagine how about you

pour the congo

how about that

but you’re one of

those dudes that fucking

steal fishes by hanging a net over a fucking moving

river from a tree

they hang with their feet from fucking trees and

scoop nets into the water

dude it’s nuts because the

river is raging and if they’re not even wearing

safety vests if they fall in that

water they might be fucked

there’s some video these guys living in the congo

that are catching fish by doing that

it is wild to see man

they are living

right now the way the fucking

navi lived in avatar

no bullshit except they don’t

they don’t fly inside

really great yeah it’s not cool

all the uncool

now really when they come at you

they’re killing

things with spears and

bows and arrows and you

know they’re fishing with nets

while they’re hanging from fucking trees it’s local

it’s crazy shit man

and these guys are living in

2010 they don’t have shit

they don’t have

lights they don’t have electricity

they don’t have anything they have no

lighters they don’t have shit

occasionally you

see one of them will be wearing like western underwear

like somebody got them some fucking

underwear or

one of them will be wearing a

t shirt or some shit

and from the gap and you’re like wow this is crazy

and here they are living in

these straw

huts in the middle of the fucking jungle surrounded by

monsters you know

that is a scary

scary life man

and that could easily been us

you know you didn’t have

to be born when you were born i didn’t have to be born

where i’m born

you could totally fuck up and all of a sudden

you wouldn’t know any different though yeah

you wouldn’t know any different but goddamn how

lucky are we

i mean yeah you

would be probably okay i mean people there’s a lot of

i look and i

think they’re

dumb they look down on our lifestyle and like

look at them

they don’t even know if they

could have been born here in afghanistan

had a good luck

yeah it’s good

they’re proud to live in shitty towns

there’s a lot of people that are

proud to live in pittsburgh

you know i’m saying

for real you know you talk

to people that fucking love pittsburgh i’ll be here

till i die fucking pittsburgh is the only town for me

dude you need to go to australia

cause let me

tell you something man everyone’s friendly the

women are gorgeous

everyone’s cool as fuck

everyone’s super

super relaxed

every third

place joe logan

goes to visit

it says is the

greatest place everybody wants to move there

i always have this instinct to get out of

la i came so

close i was gone

look at me just when i thought it was over they

dragged me back in

they fucking

they got me back

the wife got

knocked up and the mountain lion

ate the dog and

snow came the accident on the hills

too much i got crazy i

tried to move her

right to the

mountains that’s that was the big fucking you take

steps i should have

to boulder and got like a little take over


base there then move

i got this fucking very

strong desire to have like a base very far away from

the majority of

civilization like i have these

crazy and it’s not

crazy thoughts of like the end of the

world it’s just like i just want no one around

or even do that here it’s like

any reason you have to be in la

is 45 minutes away

well here you

know in light traffic yeah

have you always played like that or

yeah is that something that i’ve knit recently

no i’ve always been like that

i’ve moved further

and further away from the hives from the moment i

moved to la when i

first moved to la i had an

apartment in

north hollywood

then i bought

that i rented a

house and then see

now and then

i kept going further and further out you

know and my next move man i’m gonna

i’m gonna stay in

california but

i think i’m

gonna get a

place in big bear

i want to go to get a

place up in the mountains you know

yeah maybe i

should buy his

place there you go i

want to sell

i wonder if she’ll sell it i wonder if lin

even uses it

you don’t want that jug of

spirits what the fuck there’s junky

spirits in that fucking

house cop trucker

what are you trying to do

worship and

satan joe rugby junky

spirits maybe

you’re right

maybe that’s

you know what i

would like to get just a little

cabin just somewhere

where i can just go and just

hear nothing

that’s what i love the most

it was beautiful

i mean you went to that

place later

when you are out that window

when we’re on the

porch and you listen you don’t hear a fucking thing

it’s you hear

the silence it’s like a very specific

sound of its own

i heard in the redwoods

because the canopy so so high

above the ground

there’s no real

birds and there’s no real insects there

because the

stuff i don’t know how it falls that’s just nothing

going on so it

really is just silence occasionally you hear a squirrel

you know you see one but

generally it’s just like nothing’s happening

i gotta go back to that that suck

no man it’s supposed to be just like

miles and miles around i went

when i was a kid and we

drove our car through that

wood tree yeah

i wanna do that

that’s how douchey people are

fucking trees been around for like a million years

this gigantic fucking tree that’s as big as this room

so what do they do

they carve a big hole in the center of it so people can

drive their cars

the fucking tree

this is like a

novelty goof

like they carved out well that’s what the

road was right

that knocked

the tree down

oh they did that’s

where the road was

they didn’t have to do that

i mean it seems like more

humane to kill the tree than to use it

it’s a fucking tree you

know what trees can feel they just can’t communicate

you know that’s a very

valid argument

you know we don’t know we know that there’s

i don’t know if this has been


validated but there’s been all sorts of studies that

prove that trees

like feel something like there’s an

electrical impulse when you snip them

i will tell

you this there was an episode of mama’s family

in which the goofball

son here’s a

study that says cauliflower can feel pain

broccoli does not have that same problem

maybe that was

where all the workers are

that’s not real

but who the fuck knows man you know

who knows if it

doesn’t hurt

their feelings when you eat them

who knows is not a good enough reason to two or not

to do anything you

could argue that

video game characters

could probably feel

maybe they’re playing us they

might you know

when you kill them

maybe you’re fucking somebody up in another dimension

right that video

game how do you know that has feelings as much as i’m

fucking cabbage

you know that’s just

it starts getting

ridiculous if

you have lips then

who care you know

you have to have lips and then

some people

say they won’t eat anything that has a face

really yeah

yeah there’s like people who will eat

they’ll eat

things like they’ll eat like clams

and they’ll eat like some shellfish

they won’t eat anything with a face

what is that

thing speaking of faces

creeping me out

some ass cheap but it’s got someone’s

mouth there not mine

though it’s some girls so very

brian just comes up with

weird if you see

those little

weird ass banners

we’re talking about the

thing it’s on my website it’s on joe rogan

net wow those

weird bands it’s all bronze

you know i like to

throw in a lot of like subliminal

porn into it because it works

yeah because you’re like what the fuck is this

when it makes

you look at the poster

pussy lives down there

by the end yeah

it makes you look at the poster

where like a lot of times if it’s just you with a

microphone it’s like okay yeah whatever

right you’re right

you just know

i love on that

but i think if you just

brighten the contrast in there

people would be even more excited

where that end is

i thought i

could see something

right yeah isn’t it

funny that that’s

exciting to almost see some

tits or some

pussy but you can see just

you can just go to

different websites dick

ass on the internet

video yeah that’s why

that’s why i can’t live in a mountain

man cause if there’s

like into the road shit happens i need to be around

pussy just in

case if i have to meet

i got disgusted by

porn last night

it’s not even an end of the world

you got discussed

it was like

it was like overload

just too much to too many days in a row to

where i was like yeah

oh that’s why they doing this sometimes i overload

the road the road sometimes like it’s

too much porn

i just i see it as like our

mating animals

either that or this way

where i just feel empathy for the women

how about when you beat off and like only a

dribble comes out because that’s all you got left

wow like a great

three day air force

you off like

three times in a day yeah and you didn’t

think you’re doing it because you’re trying to get some

sleep like in the morning

sometimes i wake up and i’ve got up too

early i’m like i can

sleep in i need my

sleep let me just jerk off real quick

so i’ll jerk off

and then i’m like getting

ready to go to the gym like

a little horny before i go to the gym

maybe i should jerk off

and then i’ll jerk off

and then i’ll go and do the show

and then i go to the show do

stand up before you go to the

for jiu jitsu

sometimes don’t

that i don’t

want you to i’ll make your balls

i’ll be watch

three times already

i always watch for jujutsu

very conscientious

listen everybody jerks off

and then goes to jujutsu everybody that goes to jujutsu

jerks off and then goes there it’s just a matter of

how long ago was that

often yeah was it a

month ago was it a

year ago and if they like to wipe it or they go with it

that’s true you

never know you

never know you can’t

trust people

trust no one

but then i’ll go

get home from the gig i’ll do a gig

i’ll be mired

and then i’ll

kinda get some

sleep so i’ll beat off and i’ll get some

sleep what about the times like out of nowhere just oh

i was talking to ari

about this he’s a

sprayer like when

he jerks off it just blows up

oh yeah yeah

that happens

to me once in a

while and it ties

the fuck out of me

why does it do that

you like hold

down the tip like a garden hose and try to spray

something like

that that’s probably the way i do it

i don’t know

maybe he’s just got a lot of fucking

oop behind his load

just because you

your loads come a spider no you know i think

when it’s whatever

it’s not me

oh so it’s a girl doing it

or me if i’m doing it for whatever it’s like beat off

or if she does it just fucking

well let’s be honest

about something what is better what is better

getting a great load a

great load shooting a great load or taking a great shit

i would go the great load

a great load but not by much man not by much

sometimes here’s

the question

a great load or a great

sandwich so here’s the question here’s

even though

how many times have you shot a load

and then you realize oh my god now i have to talk this

crazy bitch

that i just shot a load with and

she’s out you’re trying to get the fuck out of there

and you’re tired

and you realize you got to

drive an hour to get doesn’t matter

and that’s it wants

to stay over you like i can’t i have to feed the dogs

like any kind of craziness that

goes on you like oh my god what do i do with my life

whereas when you take a shit there’s none of that i

think here’s

the deal and that’s just a load in your shit

and i think

you’ve just had sex a lot more than

brian and i

so you’re actually a

little more like

interested in it than

we are we’re like yeah whatever

but we’re like what sex every

once a year

every now and then i

enjoy a good shit

i really appreciate the morning ones

sometimes you wake up and you go oh jesus

some years as well

you get to tell just like i eat a lot of

salad you know my shit goes

quick so it’s like

see my shits always involved investigating and

identifying what

look at your poop well that’s because

brian’s blood is poop what no

no i made that up i made it up no

all right i

once i had a

hemorrhoid and i had to get a i already talked

internal hemorrhoid yeah

so that’s why i have to investigate

i think i uploaded poops sometimes i just like it

whoa what just interesting to

me i find it when i go to wipe like oh was that a wet

or shit sitting

i was like oh no it’s super wet you

never tell a

story about it i just like it didn’t hurt though

it would tell a

story about

when i first started wearing a cappin jiu jitsu

i didn’t yeah

and i had to

start wearing a cup because i was rolling with einstein

and he was trying to pass my guard and he

slammed his knee

right into my dick

like not even

really my the shin hit my balls but the knee

hit the dick if that

pass i’m surprised i didn’t have a lot more why are you

covering your head because i hate this story

okay sorry but people

out here it

slammed it in

my dick it hurts so much it was so fucking painful

but so i wait

till i feel better

i take a couple of minutes to

catch my breath and then we

start rolling

again i didn’t

think anything of it

until i get

changed i go in the locker room and i go to take my

g pants off

and i go to take my

underwear or my

jockstrap off and it’s filled with blood

filled with blood

blood is leaking out of the tip of my dick and i’m like

oh my god i

broke my dick

so then i go into the bathroom and pee

so i go to pee and

blood is just coming

right out of tip my dick

blood and urine

so then i started

thinking about it

okay i got a problem i

gotta do something now i got i got a problem i

might have to get my dick

fixed and like holy shit

and i thought

about i’m like okay but wait a minute

if this was my nose if

blood was coming out of my nose

would i do anything

about it no i

wouldn’t do shit

about it i would just let it heal

okay let’s just

let’s just let your dick heal and see how it goes

so i get home that

night and i say well i don’t know man

maybe i should go to the fucking doctor

okay if my dick can get hard i’m not

gonna go to the doctor

so i jerked off

i jerked off and i shot a bloody load is it pink

no it’s like

like a chicken egg that has the embryo in it ah

you know what i’m talking

about you get a chicken egg

that’s in the philippines that’s a yeah

balloon is like an actual embryo like a big ass

much more close to

kosher if you get one drop of blood in

which you get all the time and

throw it out can’t use it

so he can crack eggs separately

no it makes

sense you don’t know what the fuck happened that

thing’s bleeding in there and that

blood is just well then it

means it’s human life as we kill different not

humanized a lot

yeah well not only that it’s probably smart for like

health reasons that blood is just sitting in that egg

i think an egg can keep probably better than blood can

you know who knows

with the blood i mean that’s just speculation sure

bottom line is i jerked off to see if my dick was okay

and i all hurt myself no it didn’t feel that good

it wasn’t like the best

jerk off session i’ve ever had

but then the next day i peed

blood a couple more times i

peed blood just a little bit less

every time for like three days

and then i stopped there was no more blood i said i

think it’s okay i think it would have only

taken one day and i would have

freaked out and went right to the okay well

it didn’t hurt that’s why did you giggle it at all no

no i did thank god

well i was thinking

what i was worried about was it was gonna break

you know i was like my dick is not gonna work anymore

yeah you know

i’m infinite we have to cut it off

ew imagine if you could gangrene if it rotted

you would have

to hack your dick off

they have to rebuild

one they have to take a

chunk out of meat out of your forearm i saw that online

a dude had his dick rebuilt or maybe it was like a

woman who had a dick rebuilt to become a man

that could be a fake dick oh

that’s so crazy

wouldn’t you

be concerned at all at the time and i’m not joking

that the doctor

would be like if you hadn’t gotten hard so fast

would be okay

but the fact that it broke that

seal or something

you weren’t

worried about that

i was thinking that

maybe my loads

would purify whatever injury i had in there

my soldiers go to work on it

patch it up

i thought urine would do that i think you know

urine is supposed to heal things so if you pee

and you have a little

wound inside your dick it’s probably good to piss out

blood probably cleans it out probably on sterile

yeah you’re in sterile it’s good for you i

bet it probably does but

that was a close call so from then on i wear a cup

so no blood in my shit but some bloody loads

it’s a bloody pee pee

so glad let’s get

hot josh with

white and red

yeah it’s beautiful beautiful what you

so glad what i don’t do shit that involves having to

wear a cup so people won’t hit my nuts so i don’t pee

blood yeah well

i never want one

jiu jitsu you

should wear one dude

i’ll get an

extra one on here too

he likes everyone

i swear that

sounds fishy

i just smell like ben gay

i tried it on dude i’m out

with fucking dave’s insanity sauce and

it won’t even kick it until you start sweating

did you imagine oh my god

your dick would be on fire

i pissed was

after i had a burrito with dave’s insanity

sauce and i just

i don’t know i must have got some residue

on my finger and i touched the head of my dick

and it was like it was melting like a mexican blowjob

it was what

yeah it’s like that frog the

table the sunflower seed peppers

sunflowers whereas in israel they had

these huge sunflower seeds that look that big

and so people

would always take it from me when i sit at my desk

so i wanted to punish the people who didn’t ask

so i spent all day and i

crushed up hot habanero peppers

took the seeds out and put one seed

inside each sunflower seed oh my god and then

i would leave that in front so people ask

like no no here’s the normal ones but if they wouldn’t

they just fucking get it most people can’t

stand the heat

but do not wash

off my hands peed and just had a shower with my

pants around my

ankles and it just

started like ow ow oh

it’s like this it’s like yeah

and you’re like what’s happening you put soap on it

water how about dudes to get

their dick tattooed

yeah what the fuck man how much must that hurt

ah stop the

sensitive area hasn’t

built up any tolers tattoo

jesus christ man it

feels really gay it feels awesome

getting your dick

yeah maybe it’s just like hard

sex but probably harder

no brian wants to get fucked

i wonder if anybody’s

tattooed a dick had him come on them

oh my gosh who cares if that happened put the

on the balls just

squirts all

over you they

definitely have gotten

hard before

their attempts that’s

definitely happened

not even on purpose

not even a purpose

it could just be incidental

especially like really

crazy freaky gay bondage type dudes you know

has bravo been on that

tattoo show yet

yeah i know

it’s aired i don’t know i mean

i think they film the

whole season in advance and he just did it a couple

months ago it’s a good ass tattoo man a chicken

she’s a really good artist

eddie bravo got his


tattooed on his chest

it’s incredible

by kat von d

yeah incredible artwork man

i fucking love

those tattoos i don’t have any of them but i love

those portraits

yeah they could be creepy i think it is creepy

creepy like oh my god well

unless it means something you like for eddie his

grandmother was like the person who really cared

about emily

some dude that went to high school

with you help me

imagine if you went to high school with a kid

and then all said you run into him and he’s got you

tattooed on his arm

he’d be like listen man it’s ironic

we just picked you out of the yearbook at random

don’t be worried

about it you ever see that crazy bitch that’s got i’m

gonna kill you ray romano tattooed on her back no

yeah does she hate ray ramona no she just did it like

because you know everybody loves raymond was out oh

did you get that tattooed

tattooed as a

tramp stamp it says i’m

gonna kill you ray ramona and

so she’s taking

pictures out people

on the internet yeah

how crazy is that

bitch i mean if that

bitch ever has kids

and the kids can

never take her

seriously like mom listen to me you dumbass

you’ve got i’m

gonna kill you ray

romano on your fucking back who’s ray

romano like

there was a

populace at

decisions bitch

that might have been your best impression brian

hey it’s kermit the frog no it’s

hilarious that guy i

started working with him like way way back in the

early 90s we did

jimmy’s comedy alley and

thing was in

queens somewhere in new york

thing was in queens and

he he was the headline i was the middle

i got to see him like when he was at his peak

he’s a really really good

stand up man when he came back

to it he was good so yeah

it’s interesting well he’s always good he’s just he’s

just got great delivery

you know he’s just a and he’s a

super nice guy

is he super

clean back there

yeah he’s always been kind of

clean you know

i mean not completely

clean like he did a bit on

kevin bean’s show last year yeah the

april foolishness hilarious bit

about if guys

could blow ourselves we

would have to wear like a dog collar

it was really fun get more into it now so you couldn’t

so you keep your husband from blowing himself you

would have to put it like one oh girls

would have to

it’s very funny man

it was a really good bit that i

might like bond or something

no no no it

was very funny he had a

bunch of good

stuff you know

just i mean even

stuff like about sun pooping

you know you

think it’s like

his innocent

job but it’s really well worded and

great timing and a really

good economy of words he’s a really good craftsman

you know with his material

that’s why his show was so

funny that guy

i met him you know years and

years you steal his job

i did i didn’t

steal his job i know

luckily somebody else i

stole it from that

crew the guy the pilot

yes yes he got it and then they fly they didn’t

want him for the actual show and then they hired me

that’s what happened so i didn’t feel bad

there was already

a guy before me i just took it from him

but ray was a friend

so it was weird to run into him

but then all of a

sudden he got his show

which was like 100 times more

successful when

it was radio and

was perfect because he controlled the

whole thing

and when we were hanging out when

we first got the show

was me and him and

kevin kevin

james we’re all eating dinner at

jerry’s deli

and ray was like obsessive um

maybe if i have the guy come in like this and just kept

going he was like obsessed

don’t show yeah just

putting it together perfectly you know he was really

electronic constructed in his head

you know he was obsessed with it it wasn’t

it wasn’t any

good luck at all

with him i heard with him

that he had taped this hbo special

back when it really meant something

and they were

holding it for like a year year and a half

where they’re like

no we’re not

ready to release

it because we want to do this he’s like

i just i’m broke

i need some

money please people will see it

right wow so

those stories i

have no idea that’s always a concern

when you have

a special and you film it you don’t own it and this

is that before the internet

you know you

could really get

crazy you know i’m

gonna fucking release this on the internet

you guys can suck my dick if you really like crazy

you know if they caught you though you were fucked

they caught you and they could

prove that you took away the profits for your own thing

like they pulled my shit from youtube my own shit yeah

they’ve had that yeah

that’s nuts

when your own bits get pulled off your own youtube page

brian give me the advice

copyright for

the hbo studies that don’t say hbo

as i’ll do searches for that

that’s very

smart oh brian

that’s right

yeah do you put that up online your hbo

set some of it

are they gonna do more of

those the down

dirtys no no more no

they didn’t like it

i didn’t think up ratings or something

they promote it

yeah not really

hbo does not really handle comedy that well

it’s just they

decide to promote

again yeah which they decide to promote but too

often like it seems like they’re just trying to put

things that are like different so

it’s not like

that new one is all sober comedy

that’s a new

series of with boss and norton

wow really all sober

wow people the good

thing about that

is a lot of the guys that are sober sober for a reason

all right yeah

so they’ve got some

great stories

yeah you know so they’re

no it ain’t church sobriety

this is like

i fucked up my life sobriety there’s a lot

of dudes like

that there was a lot of dudes they were doing a

clean clean

christians of comedy tour yeah

they were like

bankloads oh my god and they would all

corporate arenas

they would do

arenas like big church

arenas in the

south like giant fucking places

and just terrible

terrible hackneyed

and he came in and he said ma’am that’s not my hat

seriously though

it’s all for him

just really like

you know and

this is a big push

for that with a lot of people like they want the lowest

standard possible

you’re gonna

submit you’re gonna

you’re gonna broadcast the lowest possible

standard and there’s so many people that

wanna hear that whether it’s in country

music or it’s sarah palin talking

or it’s you know they want they want no

no difference between you and them

you are just as smart as them

you don’t talk down and in fact

you talk them up

and make them out to be much more than they really are

and that’s like a big and if you’re religious

like it’s for the

grace of god

or whatever they get into it it’s like cool it’s so

crazy it’s so

spooky that

our culture has made

things so easy for

idiots to survive

i mean most of what

there’s so many people that do so many different

things that are so useless

and they’re

going to be replaced by

robots he said

i’m the simpsons

ned flairin is what they watch

like the comedy concert and he goes

that was the

worst christian

rock concert i’ve ever seen he goes to the ticket

simon says chris rock

he goes somebody f words

that’s hilarious

oh that’s hilarious

the worst christian rock

show ever that’s hilarious

yeah i just think

it’s so easy to be a retard

these days because there’s so many

other people that you join with

did you ever see the video

i think the guy was a comic

who interviewed

these people waiting to see

sarah palin at a book signing

there was like a

whole fucking

giant line of people and it’s like

three degrees outside

they’re freezing

their ass off and they’re waiting for

hours to come in and meet

sarah palin

and so this dude

goes and interviews them and ask some questions what

would you like

about miss palin’s policies that

it’s all the same nonsense nobody has a clue

but in all fairness i’ve seen the same

thing with obama

you know when they interviewed people that

yeah they got no idea obama

they just know he’s

black and he’s talking really good and

he’s good who did the thing

i think it was bubba

buoy or stuttering john or something so it

might have been

stern i might have been let out but they went

or maybe someone else

completely but they went downtown

and asks about

what do you

think about

obama what do you

think was running mates

sarah palin

people like god i

think she’s

great i think

she’s great like who do you are you a democrat

or republican

republican and they’re like

what about you know

you know i’ve been like that forever i

watched that gonzo that

got no idea

thomas thompson

yeah and back

in you know the 1970s when he was writing fear and

loathing on the campaign trail

it was the same

thing they were asking all

these different people like who you voting for

no one had a fucking clue yeah

why anybody was

no not that guy okay

no not that guy and i was like

who the fuck you voting for

and that guy’s vote

counts just

absolutely just

as much scholar

yeah they’re like

obama so you know he wants to go to war

with iraq more how do you feel about that

well i’m for it

what do you

think that their

obama has any say

or do you think it’s all horse shit

what do you

think literally happens when you win

do you think that you’ve been

briefed before

you ever win

and said this is what’s

gonna happen you’re gonna be

given an agenda you’re gonna be

asked to follow a certain protocol

you will consult with

these people before any decision before any

press conference

will be reviewed

i mean is that

some of that but i think

they’re also just met with

with checks and balances it’s way harder to get

things done than you think

right you know

i have to make allegiances and you have to give certain

things in order to get like

all that definitely you know

definitely there’s

definitely a lot of that there’s definitely

one just get some done it’s not that easy no

no it’s not

but okay but what’s with

him saying that he

want was it all bullshit that he

didn’t want to have

troops over there

and then all of a

sudden he pulls

them out of iraq and sends them off to afghanistan

what does that

all cause i

think he realized like oh

i can’t just pull them out

that creates a vacuum of

power that will be

terrible and

what i wanted to do now i know more and i can’t is

that what it does

you know i think what they’ve got to do at some

point in time they’ve got to have some

if they really want to

to get people to like

the united states in

other countries

there has to be some massive goodwill operation

where we go to

these impoverished

countries these

places that have been

wrecked by war

by devastation by all

these different

things that are

going on and we have to help the fuck out of them

because if we don’t do that

then other people are

gonna look at us and go

why would we look up to the united

states just because it used to be

just because it’s the biggest

superpower because they have the most missiles

why would we give a fuck about them

and if the people at the very top aren’t the most

generous then

the whole system

below you seems unfair

and people get

fucking pissed off there’s something in the

whole testament or

light unto the nations

yes this will

lead by example of what you want them to do sure if

you’re in that position if you’re in the position to be

generous if you’re in the position to help

if you’re in the position

it’s just we’re just ganking

shit that’s the problem

we want the oil fuck you give us that natural

gas suck it

you know where’s

those poppy seeds

where’s the heroin

grown right here shut the fuck up and sit down

we’re bringing

in guns and tanks and fucking jets and we’re gonna have

spaceships that fly around you by remote control and

shoot missiles into canyons yeah

dude you ever

watch those

videos online they have

videos of them

launching missiles from like helicopters and shit at

these people that are

walking with donkeys

i mean it’s fucking nuts man

they’re walking

you see him like walking up the hill and we’ve got the

target show engaged

you see it like in this have

arms the right

case i who the

fuck knows what they’re doing i mean you know it

could have been somebody who said the

wrong thing to some fucking general

who knows i don’t know what they did i mean i’m just

watching a video

it could be that they’re you know some high

level operatives and they’re moving through

their secret cave hideouts and

who the fuck knows john hepron’s watching

powerful john heffron

that was the

also the comedy club at skyline comedy

in wisconsin

what are you saying

skyline comedy club is watching

and they were like come to

appleton wisconsin

um where’s john heffern

playing next

where is john heffern

playing next

i’ve only been to wisconsin

once and went to some

crazy summer festival

they have really

yeah it was awesome it was an outside

and ten thousands of people was it awesome outside

yeah it was a really

great crowd

but it was like a lot of people with

babies and shit i’m just saying all this

nasty shit i’m like i’m

sorry folks

babies don’t bother me nearly as

much as the fucking baby

yeah there was kids too man there was everybody

and i was i did all my shit because there was a lot of

young people in the

front like there was a

majority was like hundreds and hundreds of

young people

and then behind them there was like a

mixed bag but

the people that were sitting were all like

you know your

average comedy club audience there was just a

bunch of people outside and the people were

standing up and walking around

and it’s in a big

giant tent it was so strange

but i only do it once because i was too

dirty they would not have me back

john heffron’s in atlanta

where’s yeah punchline punch line

powerful john heffron very very funny guy

funnier every time i see him we’ll see him

john heffron is great he should come to arizona

well i think john heffron will tell you that he

would love to come to arizona

if the improv

comes with the shekels

you know i’m saying

you gotta come with the shekels for my man john heffron

so what do you think

about lil wayne lil wayne went to jail

it’s about time

you think so

just another one

ari little wayne

he is crazy

tattooed up have you seen how much it’s whole

bodies though

yeah we got to put that online for people who

haven’t seen it because it’s it’s fucking bizarre

like it’s so

crazy like it’s

hard to believe that this dude has this many tattoos

i mean like his

whole body’s fucking tattoo


ready to wrap it shut the fuck up we’re looking for lil

wayne tattoos

i need some coffee song

i got so much shit to do

what do you have to do i have to go to macy’s okay

sounds hard what are you what are you gonna do there

right away i

would never

trade lives with you

right off the bat that just

sounds so horrible

there was no way i wish i had upon my

worst enemy

okay gotta go to

macy’s i got a

macy’s yeah

it’s hard to find

a new one oh here’s a good one here’s a good new one

god damn this dude’s got a lot of tattoos

look at this shit oh my god

that’s incredible

cash money yeah that is

this is incredible

he’s in a position

where it really just

doesn’t matter

because he’s not not gonna get a job yeah well right

man that’s nuts i’ll put this up onto it

is it

it’s crazy man

the dude just went off and tattooed his whole body

that’s like a big issue did you do it all at once no

i don’t know man

soulja boy seems to have

that soulja boy do the same thing tattooed his face

tattooed his hands

tattooed his chest his whole arms

i mean he just went nutty

you’re googling soldier boy you can’t find it you’re

spelling it wrong yeah it’s like like a brother

soldier so u

l j a hollow

and also google

uh soldier boy ice cream kitty

ice cream kitty yeah

powerful sophia sophia

you gotta unblock me from your twitter don’t be rude

i can’t even follow you you are

that rude you guys both fucking bug me too much

we know we can still read it

right but you know we could still read you know

why you have to go

i promise i won’t bug anymore no

it still lets you just go to your we know

website yeah it doesn’t come up in the

stream no not on this

tweet that but we can always go to your pages

yeah come on man please

but you can’t fuck with me when i

complain about wanting to commit suicide

i won’t fuck with you about anything anymore

you don’t really

want to commit suicide you just want to be happier

right would you rather if you had the two options

right well that’s like you don’t really want to

throw a touchdown pass you just want to win

however i get there is fun not like that

it’s not like that at all look this nice

a gamble that’s what lil wayne has to say about it

his whole lot bodies like a fortune cookie

he’s got little

fortune cookie sayings all over his body

wow so weird

that’s like really fucking really bad tattoos man

it’s weird that’s a real trend

that guys are getting these really bad tattoos

it’s like prison tattoos but the crazy

thing is you know cause himself a gangster on this

crazy shit but he goes to jail and the

first thing he did was go into protective custody

oh cause they’re afraid of

how do you do that you just apply

that’s a good question man

i think you just have that in the plea

ahead of time like

you can’t put them down okay

say my client is you know

a very wealthy man who

you know a lot of people

could get a name off beating him up and he’s

not a very big man and he’s concerned for his safety

one of my favorite

things is when

idiots like us

try to walk through the law

and what we

would say to a

judge in order to get

things done

we’re only going off

on one episode

it was sort of

guessing yeah old episodes the fall guy

i think what you have to do is tell the

judges your honor

do you remember

when tv shows had you convinced that you

could tell it like if a cop was like

undercover copy you say are you a cop

and they have to tell you the

truth what yeah i’m a cop she got me

got off this time lefty

but next time are you

yeah they were

never gonna

trick me right you guys are

never gonna

trick me like what

they would never do that

they don’t have to tell you they’re cops that’s

ridiculous you’re doing something

illegal a cop can let you do that illegal shit

they can do illegal shit with you

they can do fucking cocaine

with you to arrest you for cocaine

how about that

that’s legal

then get away with it yeah

how nutty is that

because if they go

undercover they’re

gonna have to do drugs with you

if you’re doing drugs and you want to be a part of some

motorcycle gang

and the motorcycle gang is doing drugs

you gotta do drugs no way you’re not

going to be

on tv then i was like

i don’t just dump it off a side but

one special episode

where they had to do it yes exactly

they throw it they fake it

oh amazing stuff

i’ll give you an antidote pill this will immediately

nullify the cocaine so as soon as you take it

make your way into the bathroom

it almost got a

drug great for job interviews yeah exactly i mean

it’s just you hear

about that all the time with dea

agents the dea

agents get addicted

to drugs because they have to do them with

these fucking people to get in with them

and then also i think

they just see that fucking lifestyle and they become

crazy they see how many people are getting away with it

i think if you

were in the position to really be investigating drugs

in this country

you would see there’s so much drugs coming in it’s like

an unstoppable

force and you would

start wondering

what are we putting our resources towards

why isn’t this shit

legal where they can tax it and make

money off of it

you know why can’t they just go

after the illegal people there

it’s just like prohibition

when prohibition happened in the 30s all that shit did

or in the 20s

it was like one of

them like 1933 or something

all it did was

just made people

that were more dangerous sell it

made people that

weren’t afraid to

break the law

it just made organized

crime strong it kept out of a lot of people’s hands

and myself do you

think so yes it must have

i don’t know man i

think it made people

angry about getting busted with it and selling it but i

think most people i get

drunk i know but aren’t

gonna break the law or really risk it

you know there’s a lot of people who are like oh i

guess we can’t have any more

i mean did you have a researcher or just speculate

i’m just speculating completely

but if they make

cigarettes illegal

completely illegal

there’s a lot of people to stop smoking i wonder if it

would be like catholic

school girls and being whores

right because not all whores

though well

it’s a disproportionate amount yeah there are

some growing up around a lot of catholic

school girls it was common knowledge amongst my friends

that catholic

school girls they go

this religious jewish school

really not well i

think catholicism is so

ridiculous that i

think even like

look when you’re dealing with a religion

where a gigantic percentage of the men

who are in power are fucking little kids

none of them got caught

they said he was gay

it’s another anti

gay rights oh no

no that was roy ashburn

yeah that was the guy who was he was the guy

who died in proposition eight

he got caught he

admitted he was gay

but that guy’s not a priest

he’s not fucking kids he’s just gay all

right you’re

like they’re all the same faggots fucking pedophiles

you lump this guy in with a pedophile priest

but that religion is so

ridiculous that

there’s a giant percentage of the men who are

pushing this

religion are also fucking the horrible pedophiles

that ruin people’s lives

if you know anybody

that’s catholic if you grew up in a catholic community

you know a bunch of people

that have been molested

everybody knows somebody i know two people

that got hit on by priests

i know my friend tony he had a

fight off a priest

and my friend john had a

fight off a priest

they get attacked

these priests fucking drool on them

and breathe on and pull the dicks and my friend bo

another dude i know

three dudes i know

three dudes they’re all catholic i know girl

got money from a settlement

dude there’s so many settlements if you stop and look

do you know new mexico has some

crazy ass fucking law are they used to at one

point in time

where you could

if you had sex with a girl like a man

could not have sex with a girl like it’s normal

age like the

age of consent was like 18

but if a man had sex with a boy the

age of consent was like 13

really it’s fucking crazy

and the reason why supposedly this was enacted

is that the catholics church

put pressure on them to keep this in

place so they can fucking ship all their

crazy boy ass

sweet boy ass

and they were

i don’t know if this is true

this is all speculation this is all on the internet

but i do know the fact

no no that’s speculation the fact is that the

age of consent for

male to boy was 13

that’s fucking nuts

same sex males was like 13

whereas opposite sex like

boys and girls

what’s really

crazy now is this sexting thing man

where kids are

going to jail for

child pornography because they’re taking

they really they came down at some

point with like a no tolerance i don’t care

if you made it i don’t you can’t have it on your hard

drive no one can have it

and with those laws like we can’t make an

exception for anyone

they are attacking sluts

for for sending

pictures of their

pussy to guys

they’re attacking girls for

being silly

it’s basically the same well they

said this yours i’ll show you mine

we all played

that when we were kids but then the problem is then

it gets out to fucking pedophiles and makes them go

crazy that’s

what they said they don’t want anyone to have it

really so we’re talking

about it again the point is send us some sweet

pictures of your thirteen year old bush right this is

this is important shit

is it has any

other kind

of shit man the idea that you can put kids in jail

because they take pictures of their pussy

you know the dude sends a

picture of his dick to some girl in

school now now he’s locked in a cage

you know that’s silly

people throughout time it’s a charge in

whipping your dick out

if you cover someone’s dick up they’re

gonna want to whip it out

you know we all live

naked and free

you know you wouldn’t have to worry about this shit

but then people

would start fucking way earlier yeah right

we all live

naked and free you wouldn’t be able to trust anybody

everywhere someone will actually fuck by accident

would have to happen i wonder how much

i wonder how much suppression

you know we really have by walking around

naked like how much different we

would be if we walked around naked

you know by walking around all

clothed up i wonder how

much more different our behavior i will tell you this

this is the

comparison is that

so any sort of nudity is

like a novelty

when i was showing

a gear when i

wouldn’t touch

women you know

when i would

touch them even on the arm or something like oh

it was like an electric sort of feel wow they

are way more

sexual so i think

covering up and stopping yourself makes you more sexual

so that if you were

completely unclothed

you’d be way calmer makes it more urgent

when i first came to la and i

first acted in a sitcom

i didn’t like being here i didn’t like

the whole sitcom situation was really bad

it’s a lot of negative energy there’s

a lot of fighting

going on between

the network and the producers and the writers

and i broke up with my

girlfriend and i

moved out here and we were

still talking on the

phone but i didn’t

i didn’t know

anybody here i was out here for a few weeks

i didn’t talk to anybody i didn’t hang out with anybody

and then this chick

we were laughing

about something she gave me a hug on the set

and she gave

me a hug and it was the best feeling in the world

it wasn’t like a regular hug

she hit me with this hug and i was like

it was like i needed it like she gave me a

glass of water like

you know it was just a hug

man she was just being nice and she gave me a nice hug

and rub my back and i was like wow that felt so good

i just felt you need that shit

yeah if you go like a few weeks or a

month without

touching anybody

that guy that we were talking

about earlier that lives in the arctic

he went i think

eight months at one

point by himself

just up there hunting

and he said it was way too much

he said he went crazy

that guy’s just

living wild man you got to see this on vbs tv i

think his name is heimo

heimos arctic refuge just look up arctic

vbs dot tv it’s fucking incredible

man like one of the most incredible documentaries ever

you stop to

think about it like

this guy’s chosen to live like that in this day and

age whereas we

think if we had to live like that

would be hell

like brian how do you

think you would feel if

all of a sudden


dropped off there was no

power and you had to fucking

light fires with wood

and kill animals to stay alive

and it was fucking

freezing cold out and you’re wearing animal skins

and shit and be

awful that’s why

i couldn’t live

on top of a mountain i couldn’t be like that

cause if that shit did happen i don’t

wanna be on top of a mountain doing it all by myself i

wanna be you

know around


but what if you’re around

civilization there’s no food

no one’s growing anything

there’s a lot of mooches and chaos that

would be somewhere

self sustaining

right yeah but i mean

i think it’s

like i mean my family grew up

on farms so you know to me it’s just like wow what just

plant some food you know

everything by the time the

food runs out

you know by

time food runs out we’ll have tomatoes we’ll have

you have to have a serious work

ethic to run a farm

so you can’t

stock off the

three weeks

i didn’t know anything

about farms

until i started working for the ufc

and then you

start talking to guys

as a farmer

yeah guys are real farmers

you know talk like matt hughes and all these guys

when they do like

in depth reports on

these guys in

their life you know

tommy spears is another one like they offered him a

fight recently

and he couldn’t take the

fight because he was in the middle of the harvest

oh well it’s like

that’s real shit you know

these guys they’re

they’re working on

their fucking working man they’re working all day

every day and it’s brutal it’s hard work

and there’s like a

mentality that a lot of

a lot of these guys love the work

there’s something

something very satisfying something

you know that goes back to our days when we

first discovered agriculture

you know it’s like a visceral

human reaction

you feel rewarded

for having produced all this food there’s a fable that

so much juice shit

there’s a fable that god

because he loves his children

gave us a plentiful

cattle and crops

without us having to work for it at all

and the man went

crazy and started warring on itself

well that’s so then he took that

power away then you had to actually toil

the soil and then take

away your collar

brian what are you doing

why unplugging

i gotta take off

yeah i gotta take off too okay don’t just unplug

the show still going on

oh no it’s not doing anything i’m have batteries

to charge you know son

calm down joe um

i don’t remember what we were just talking

about i don’t know either

what were you talking about bro farms and

yeah i think

that’s why hunting this guy kang mo

i think that’s his name that

lived in the arctic that’s why he was talking about

how satisfying it is to be a hunter and gatherer

that he thinks that’s where

civilization fell apart

that man is most

happy when he’s out there providing for

himself he says he loves it he loves living up there

just hunting

and fishing and getting his food that way it makes him

happy it’s like fuck it go for it

maybe there’s something to it though

maybe if you did it too it

would be like

ultra stimulating

maybe i mean i

think first i

think it’s one of

everything everybody’s different situations

he loves it

other people wouldn’t

but he’s doing like natural exercise every day

every day he’s hiking

and he’s shooting caribou and he’s dragging

about caribou back and he’s

cutting the meat and he’s hanging it up

you know i mean it’s not lazy in

front of his computer all day long

he says he’s got a laptop but he’s not online

you know it’s fucking incredible

man it’s really what a wild way to live your life

you know all

right ladies and gentlemen that’s it right yeah

this is a long ass one two and a half

hours bitches that’s how we roll we’re

gonna be the tempe improv this

thursday friday friday saturday

jump on it saturday

night is basically sold out

because it was only like 20 tickets left this morning

the second show is 20 tickets left the

first show sold out

and so it’s

gonna it’s gonna go quick

thank you very much everybody we

appreciate you

tuning in every week you can get it on itunes now

if you go to itunes the joe rogan podcast

is up and you

can download all the ones that we had before

it’s all thanks to that man

thank you that man

thank you to

brian brian put it all together

he does not my new web

class he’s the


ladies and gentlemen

powerful super

genius computer wizard and

so that’s it

folks thanks for

tuning in we’ll see you next week

holland later bye

comments powered by Disqus