The Joe Rogan Experience #14 - Brian Redban

morning start the broadcast

shazam you gotten really good at this job

fucking on my goddamn wizard this shit now son

i know exactly

how to do it i get that shit up and running

very great ladies and gentlemen welcome to

this has got to be like our 12th real podcast

or something

like that i can’t believe i’ve kept it up this long

and it’s all because you fuckers

cause it was

and you haha

that’s awesome here we go

it’s all because you people

positive energy

that i get from you guys and all the

all the people that i run into on the road

that say they love the podcast

keeps you doing it so we’re

gonna keep doing it

and it’s fun as fuck

you know and

it’s on itunes now you can get it on itunes i

think it’s just joe

roman podcast that what it is yeah

yeah the one that has the most ones

there’s a couple

other ones that

other people have created

but this is the real

one there’s also people that have noticed that they’ve

taken straight up bits and put it

on itunes and put

underneath the podcast name

you might want to get on

you know my attitude

about the internet is always that the internet

you know you can’t

can’t put any energy into trying to take your shit down

because especially as a comedian

it’s inconvenient sometimes like i go

places and people

have already seen bits that aren’t out on anything yet

and they’ve seen it because somebody youtube did

and then you know stanhope has a

whole bit about

you know how

people will put your shit on youtube when it’s not done

and the way stanhope works

and the way i work we both work real similar in that

we have an idea and it’s

never like totally done you keep adding to it and

tweaking it

and then when you put it on a recording at

least there it’s kinda done

you know but

often times like

i’ll put something on a recording and then like a week

afterwards or two weeks or even a

month later

i have a better tagline so before the

before the things even on

television i have like a new better way to do it

you know but

somebody once said to me that you got to look at

stand up comedy as like

every performance is just

they they’re just capturing a moment in time

which is true

once you’ve got some good

stuff out there but

it’s not true if you don’t have anything good out there

so if you don’t like

until like shiny

happy jihad i was not

happy with any of my stuff

i would do it and i was like oh so

like when i did that 2005

the one that’s just called joe rogan live

the one is out of print

we know the one that was from netflix

the one that was from netflix

that we did in phoenix

when i was doing that i was doing the man show ufc

comedy and fear

factor at the same time i was doing all of them at once

and i was frazzled

and it was just like

it wasn’t my best performance

like i wasn’t

like when i when i look at it i say i

think that i’m like

tense i’m not like

enjoying myself

so i think you know

but that’s that one

i consider like that’s a moment of time like that at

least it was better than the

stuff that i had before

you know my

first cd i liked some of the bits but

it’s like my delivery was kind of fucked up back then

but now i looked at it

you know i look at the

stuff that’s out now it’s like you know

every now and then someone can like

videotape something like before

wait before it becomes anything

you know like you’ll

videotape me just talking shit on stage

and then you know

it’ll become

a bit somewhere down the line but

you know by

the time someone if i go to a show somewhere

if they’re a fan they download my shit they

might have already seen the premise

you know i mean it

might like not be as fun for them you know it’s like

so it’s like

you could look at it

that it hurts you but i don’t

think it does i

think having

stuff out on the internet that people

enjoy is always good

that’s the big problem though

with everything like now like tv shows though

they’re like hulu and

stuff like that but you have to find out how to

they want to

share it they want to do that

concept but they also need to make a profit from it

which is kind of interesting how they have to go

about doing it

yeah it’s like i

think we’re experiencing a whole new

model and i think

your attitude

about how your fans

get your stuff is very important

it’s very important

because it represents how you feel like as a performer

and like what you

feel the relationship that you have with the audiences

you know and if i was like this

greedy dude that was like you know fuck them they

gotta fucking pay i want my fucking money

like if you really if you really

think like that like

these people are just like you and

be fucking honest man if you were eighteen years old

and you were

broke you’re

gonna fucking download shit you’re just

gonna do it

doesn’t mean you’re not a fan

i mean sometimes you

broke you know

and i think

is if you have

people you know i

think if you have a certain attitude

about like what you do

and that attitude is that

you’re just trying to create things

and you’re trying to make

money off of it

but really trying to create

things that people are gonna

enjoy like that’s the most important

thing it’s not the making

money thing

it’s the money will come if you work and if people

enjoy your work

they’re gonna support you

people are gonna come to see your shows

they’re gonna buy dvds if they have the

money they have the

money like if i like there’s a band that i really like

i’ll download

their shit online like on itunes

then i’ll buy a cd two to play in my car

just cause i

wanna support them just

gotta really enjoy them

you know i don’t need i

could hook my ipod up to my car but

i will i will

pen spend that

money because i

wanna support them i wanna

any movie that’s good even if i’m not gonna

watch the dvd i buy it

i always buy it if i

enjoy it in the

movie theater i buy it

and i feel like i’m supporting artists when i do that

and i feel like that’s what people are

gonna do too

that the internet is a

crazy new thing man

you know and i

think it’s gonna

we’re gonna get to this weird

point where

see right now it’s just information

you know right now the ability

to send information is pretty

profound and like how our

world has changed

but it’s only information

right now eventually it’s

gonna be more than information

when they come up with

i was talking to cliffy b

my friend cliffy

b from epic games he’s the coolest yeah

cliffy b is the dude

who he’s like the main man behind gears of war

the whole series them the unreal games

super super cool dude

like a really fun guy and he came to my comedy show

and then he came to the ufc

afterwards and then we even hung out he came to the

after party

and we were talking he’s a

super cool guy

and we were talking about

the ability eventually of making

printers that can

print up things

like that’s like really what’s

gonna happen eventually that’s already kind of real

yeah have printers that can

make 3d 3d yeah

they can make some he was talking about 3d

models that they can make with these

but they’re

gonna get to a

point and it’s not that far off

where you like say if your

mouse breaks

you’re gonna be able to go to this

computer printer

thing and you’re

gonna be able to

put in the combinations

or whatever the fuck you have to say

to get a mouse or download a

mouse program

and a mouse is

gonna fucking appear

i mean you’re really

gonna be able to make

things with a printer

you know and

remember the

first printers

that were old and clumsy and fucked up and slow

you know and the

ink wasn’t good

i have this new epson

it’s just like 100

bucks or something

maybe 150 bucks

the fucking

thing is like lightning

pages just fly on wi

fi you can print oh

yeah you can

print it from the road

call it up i mean it’s insane

there’s programs

that you can you can get on your goddamn iphone

where you could

print shit up from your computer

at old apartment shows somebody had a wireless printer

and they just had it open

so i would sit there and find the biggest goatsy

photo or dick with herpes

and i’ll throw it and i’ll

print it on the printer

non stop sometimes

i’d be like 50 pages

and it never went

away and it was like

printing successful

oh that’s awesome and it’s so

funny how much

that happens you

could pretty much go through any

neighborhood and get on somebody’s printer and do that

it’s so fun just take

your laptop

get your palm

3 plus hot spot

that’s that’s

hilarious you

could wreck some

marriages like that

if you knew a dude who had a printer

like that you

could send him

doctored up

photoshop pictures of him blowing dudes or yeah

yeah you could you could start

photoshop him to

gain position and make

like marriages

yeah man you know that’s the golden rule that’s the

other golden rule

about the internet

if there’s a

picture of you on the internet someone someone

they’re photoshopped a dick in your mouth

for sure not a dick many dicks many dicks

broken for sure if there’s a

photo of you there’s a dick in your

mouth it’s probably

on your butt there’s dicks all around you

there’s so many dicks of me

pictures with dicks online

just this one guy flappo

has done like a thousand of them

right you know it’s always me and just dicks

everywhere just

all over the place

oh have you ever seen how dildos are made and like

assholes you know we

could buy like a girl’s ass yeah

i haven’t seen how they’re made but i’ve seen them

you fucking

something that’s supposed to be a girl’s butt dude

they have people that sit there

and paint veins

and it’s not just veins like

these mexican ladies

and they first they

wipe this coat and they sit there and they have to

stroke it for like

an hour and that does

under veins so it looks like the skin

underneath the veins

underneath the skin

then they have a

second they let that dry

then they have this person that just the purple ones

the significant

veins like the ones that have the main

blood flow to

the tip of the dick kind of veins oh my god and

it is the most

creepiest thing if you look there and you feel like

somebody’s getting murdered and you’re

watching it but it’s just people making dildos

it’s and then

when they caster it’s so true though it is like

what is it why does it

creep us out so much to see like

bodies like the idea of body i don’t know because it’s

i don’t know

it’s terrible it’s like body parts and stuff yeah

it’s terrifying to people

and then when

they make a cast like if they have fucking

ron jeremy come in there and they’re like all

right we’re

gonna do a chubby dildo this week

they had to put

his dick in like this tube

almost like when you ever see a

horse they’re trying to get

sperm from a

horse to make

babies or something like that

they have to like jack it off into this tube

and they had the same thing with

how they have to sit there with this plaster

and he can’t

touch it and

he has to stay hard for five minutes he can’t

he can’t stay hard

he has to have his girl

or another like a porn star girl

just sit there and

whisper like i want your butthole

oh your balls your balls

and do it for five minutes you are the

least sexy chick ever

what you just did

right there and i did

the least sexy

imitation of a

chick in history

and i didn’t i don’t care if i was in jail for a year i

wouldn’t fuck you it was

like a bruno point

yeah it’s fucking

crazy and then with the cast

they just have to like put plaster

in your fucking vagina

and just fucking

sit there for five minutes and they pull out this

thing and and then they don’t they don’t just play

paste hair on it

they actually have to sew with a thread and needle

every single

hair on the

pussy that’s

ridiculous yes go to a dildo factory i

think there’s one in

studio city

you got to take a trip there with a camera or something

yeah you think they

would let you

they did it for hbo

six years ago yeah but it’s hbo

i’m just a comedian

i don’t know if they

would do it just for a regular dude

unless they were like

ufc fans dude

ufc but they do you

think they would want to like show people if you let

them i mean if

would you let

the basic no you

would never do that paid

you a hundred thousand

dollars i’m not getting a boner in

front of any dude no no no

all the scientists are the shut the fuck up

that would be

weird though because that’s what was

after in this

video i saw

that the porn star that did it

that just there was a box of his dicks and

he comes up and that’s hilarious that’s my dick times

500 that’s so

crazy what a

great idea though

yeah you know because people are such

freaks they

watch someone fuck in a

video and they want to be like that person yeah

yeah so weird

i want to get one just to see what it’s like

yeah they have ones now oh i don’t

crazy huh yeah

what kind of a human being

thought that up the first guy a really

horny priest

let’s just get someone

and we’ll make

an exact mold of their body so we can fuck it yeah

how crazy is it this this new thing

about the the priests you know what’s happening yeah

that they’re

equating there them being persecuted for kid fucking

yeah to the the holocaust and and the pope

say gonna save them all

this what they’re saying

the south park was talking about that what is going on

like how crazy is the the catholic religion the fact

the fact that it’s

still around is mind boggling

but the fact that anybody takes them seriously

these are all these fucking kids getting molested like

how many kids

have to get molested before someone steps in and goes

oh maybe these guys aren’t directly tied to god like

maybe we’ve been fooled right

i mean it’s just amazing that a cult

can have so much

power in 2010

and that nobody wants to call it a cult and everybody

wants to pretend that there’s something sacred

about it because

it’s been around forever

like it’s the craziest

most fucked up idea ever

there was a big discussion

about it on our message

board and one of the most interesting

arguments was

so people were saying

you’re discounting

all the positive work that the catholic church does

but i’m saying

anything positive they do will they do charities or

that’s them doing

things outside of religion that

doesn’t have anything to do with the fucking religion

right that’s just people doing charitable things

that does not make up for kid fucking

that does not make up for

living a life filled with

guilt so that they can control you

and keeping you down like a little

bitch terrified

about every fucking

thing you do

cause you’re

gonna burn in hell

and anybody who’s ever been to catholic

school knows that

yeah i did a year in catholic school man

and it was like i did a year in jail

my first grade

first grade i went to catholic school

our lady of

chester hova

in in new jersey

and this fucking

cunt none sister

married josephine i was

like a pretty

happy kid before this happened

you know my parents had

just broken up and the impact of it hadn’t hit me yet

you know but i was i was

still in denial

you know but i

would see my dad

still because we’re

still in new jersey

and then while this was

going on i went to catholic

school for a year and it was

horrifying it was brutal dude this nun

was such a fucking cunt

everything everything you did

she would just be on you

she would tell you she’s

gonna make you sit on a nail in the

closet you’re

gonna have to stay overnight

and she was just this haggard old

bitch that nobody loved

nobody had fun with her

nobody told jokes to her

she never danced she

never supposedly

never fucked

you know she wasn’t allowed to do shit

she was just the worst

representation of an elderly

woman possible

the best would be a

woman who’s

lived a life of joy

and she’s just

super friendly to everybody because she feels so

blessed that she made it through this

greater wise

and very wise yeah

this mean fucking cunt

she used to hit us she really used to hit us like

people think like catholic

school teachers don’t hit you with

rulers no they fucking hit you with rulers

that’s real shit they’ll

smack you in the head

it was brutal i was

every day was terrifying

but i got awesome

grades isn’t that

crazy like right

after that i fell off

school hardcore after that

i was in like gifted

classes and

everything the next year

after that catholic

school and then i totally stopped trying damn i was

sleeping i just

i stayed up all

night and just

slept when you’re in a catholic

school you’re so terrified you will push

everything you do you don’t

wanna have a fucking

see you don’t have a beat they will yell at you

right they’re

monsters man

you know i mean

it’s just that

whole idea as a

philosophy is the

worst idea possible

that means you’re putting

the control of your consciousness

you’re putting your

trust in the wisdom

of someone who lives in a cult

of kid fuckers

really i mean look at that so that’s what’s

going on a bunch of guys

who aren’t allowed to fuck women

oh that’s real natural

what what you’re not allowed to have sex

you don’t even

they don’t even get a better

place in heaven

when they go to heaven they just

get regular heaven just like you if you listen to them

it’s ridiculous it’s the dumbest fucking idea ever

the dumbest fucking idea ever

and we have to pretend

unlike cnn and shit

that this is like a real

issue of debate

you know and though there’s

abuse in the catholic church but

it’s never like why the fuck do we

still have the catholic church

right it’s never nobody ever steps in and goes really

really all this

these fucking guys in

their robes

and they fuck kids

and they live in

these crazy

places together all men

really and the nuns are all evil

and they all look haggard

and beaten down

oh a few of them do some charity work

they do some good things too

they donate some of the millions of dollars that

trick people into giving them

they donate some of that and they do some good things

but yet you

never really hear

about this shit like the amish religion

by the way that

catholicism is one of the

worst ever it’s crazy

catholics were controlling the

world we’d be fucked you mean everybody wants to

fight off the

muslims at least the

muslims like the

other muslims

muslims like each

other catholics don’t even like each other

they’re fucking controlling you with death

you know dude that’s a it’s a

crazy religion

i guess muslims look

if you believe in like you know the hardcore

jihadists i

guess they do too

you know it’s pretty similar

you know cat

catholics is the only

thing that has over

over the the

muslims as you don’t hear about

catholic suicide

bombers as much

it’s more rare

that’s what’s happened though

right it’s been catholic suicide bombers

right totally but

you never see a buddhist cocksucker

you know you never

like buddhist

yeah you’re

never gonna be scared to be in like a tent

in the middle of a woods with a buddhist guy

you’re not gonna

think he’s gonna fucking rape you you’re

gonna think yeah

this guy’s gonna protect me from a real

but a real buddhist

that people will

argue that a real catholic

wouldn’t fuck kids too

you know and which is

about that i think

maybe that’s just a former

retards that like to be around each

other and fucking i don’t know

it’s what you know and people say hey you guys talk

about the subject of religion

a lot like it comes up a lot

shouldn’t it

yeah what’s all the

wars about what the fuck

look it’s programming

and then that’s really all it is

no one knows any more

about what life is all

about than you do

i mean we have wisdom

we’ve learned things

all of us have had different life

experiences that we’ve benefited from we try to express

these to each other and

we can all get a little

smarter in the process

but you know

the reality is nobody really knows what the fuck is

going on nobody knows

where this is

going nobody has any idea what this is

you know this

itself if this if we didn’t live this life

this life would be

the craziest drug trip ever

okay if you had some sort of a logical two

dimensional life like a binary life like something you

could read out on a piece of

paper if that was life

and that life was

introduced to this life

right here you

would go this life is

psychedelic this is insanity

though everything is insane

and it gets more

ridiculous by the minute

you know i mean

they’ll be fucking cnn headline news and they’ll have a

you know an episode on is kim

kardashian’s ass too fat

i mean they

literally will do that i mean you know this is

where we’re at this

tiger wood shit and this jesse

james shit and

all this crazy

stuff where we’re concentrating on

on nonsense

you know i mean we’re

so much more concerned with dancing with the stars

than we are with the

fact that we’re in the middle of two fucking wars it’s

crazy we have too much info

about demi moore

we have too much info

about these

kardashian people that

would normally not know

about unless we rode a

horse in the town and somebody told us

it’s so fascinating man it’s so fascinating

you know isn’t it i mean we are the

weirdest animal ever

if you didn’t if people didn’t exist

and you made them up

it would be too much

it would be

this is ridiculous they can’t be that fucked up like

that fucked up and they figured out nuclear weapons

that fucked up and they can fly through the air to

all parts of the planet there that fucked up god damn

they’re really having a conversation with the pope

like he’s a fucking cult leader like

why are you sitting down with that this is ridiculous

and they’re like yeah well you have to play

along with them no you don’t have to play

along with them because playing

along with them

is a concession

that what they’re saying is

legitimate like that

they really represent

something meaningful it’s nonsense the

individuals inside that organization

they represent something meaningful they’re

individuals they’re just

trapped in this web

of ideology they’re trapped

in this thing

you know i’m a catholic i was born catholic

i’m a di catholic like what the you’re a fucking human

why are you lumping yourself in voluntarily

with this gigantic

group of people who believe nonsense

that doesn’t make any sense

and no one’s

saying that anybody else has the answers like

i’m not saying i’m

right and you’re

wrong or i have

some information you don’t have i don’t know anything

you know i have

my own life that i can tell you honestly

what i’ve learned from my

experiences and

things that i’ve read that

other people have researched but

what do i really know

about what the fuck this is and what’s next nothing

and i know as much as anybody

and you know as much as anybody

there’s not a single person who has more of an

more of a realistic view

of the next

phase of existence

whether it exists at all

no one knows

and it doesn’t help

pretending you do know

that’s what fucks everybody up

what fucks everybody

up is someone that pretends they do know

because then

we with our fucking

monkey instincts just follow that guy

and we’re like well he knows he knows he’s so confident

and this guy

of course he’s confident all

these people are listening to him

first of all he’s

crazy and then all

these people are listening to him

and so the more people

listen to him the more he believes his own bullshit

and the more he really

thinks he is special

and ordained and there to give the word of the lord

and the more but delusional they become i mean it’s a

it’s a fucking

classic jim

jones pattern

you know i mean that’s what it is

it’s the idea is

completely ridiculous

that some guys

who don’t get pussy

have the answers

nobody’s got the fucking answers

and there should be no

ideologies like this there

should be no

predetermined patterns of behavior

that are attractive to follow

because anything

predetermined like that is

gonna fuck you up

cause it’s not

gonna give you a realistic map of the world

you live in your map of the

world back when people had very little information

when catholicism was created the map of the

world was there was no internet

there is no

exchange of ideas

there’s no pornography available on your fucking iphone

anywhere you look

i mean there’s so many

things that are different

about that world than

about this world

and so all their

crazy nonsense

you know could be easily disproved if somebody

tried to start up that religion today

you know it’s just but it’s

there it’s been there forever so people just fucking

stick with it it’s the

weirdest thing ever

like logically

religion is one of the weirdest

things ever

it’s so hard to believe it’s

still around

you really got stopped

watching lost at the wrong time

fuck it’s getting religious

religious yeah

well maybe i’ll tune in

i still got him getting

kind of like i’m

confused now

and since you probably know religion a lot more than

me i really like i do and i don’t i don’t i know i know

sir enough to get

annoyed and then when i

start researching it more it becomes

more and more cookie and then i can’t take it anymore

so i only know surface details of like all religions

but all i know

about all of them is they’re all

ideologies you know

any anything like that is dangerous anything

where you’ve got

older people when you grow up with these

older people that are telling you what what what’s

what you should and shouldn’t do

they don’t know

you know at best

you know we

exist really well in

small tribes

but i think

when people are in

small tribes

those small

tribes are so important to stay

alive these people have this intense bond of family

and i think what happened with

human beings is we went from

small tribes

to gigantic

countries so fast

you know over

the course of just a few thousand years and i don’t

think our body

caught up with that i don’t

think our body has separated itself from the fact that

you know we really are all connected

i think in the

small tribes

when they were looking out for each

other all the time it was really like having a

giant family

we don’t feel connected as a country

you know i don’t

i don’t feel connected with all the americans you know

that seems ridiculous

there’s three hundred million

of us so like how how can anybody connect to everybody

back then they could

and that’s how we’re

wired we’re

wired for that kind of life i

think that’s why so many people are depressed

i think people are depressed

because the energy in

their life is

imbalanced because they don’t have enough love

and companionship it’s all

about their life

it’s all about you need to just

feel love you don’t need negative things

it’s like if you were

on a plane and you hear

like a screaming kid

right next to you and you’re trying to

sleep now it

might be different

from you because you know you have kids now but

in the old days that used to just

drive you want to just fucking

knock the kid out

it’s crazy it

doesn’t draw me it

doesn’t bother me at all anymore

it’s it was like comforting yeah i like it i like kids

what if i started

crying what

would happen

slap you in the mouth

like the waterfalls on your ass

i went waterfalls on you the other day let’s

bring this bottle up

it’s funny i do i explode once a year no i can get

i can cry in

movies and shit man i cried and that jeff bridges movie

crazy heart oh really oh i don’t

wanna see that then i don’t wanna see that


they got me a couple times they got me a couple times

wow there was

one especially

cause it was about a little kid

oh really little kid getting lost

i don’t wanna tell you anymore

i don’t i won’t say anything if

anybody i don’t wanna give away anything about the

movie but if you haven’t seen it so badass movie

i’ll rent it on my ipad

tomorrow oh shit

man when i bet on me

did i use it no one is more of a

technology junkie than this motherfucker and

if you have ever seen his youtube page

let’s find jesus right

let’s yeah youtube backslash

let’s find jesus please go to redband com

yeah go to redband com

they’re all up there again

he if you ever think

about getting any kind of a camera or anything

check out his

reviews because he’s like the most thorough

he’s the biggest

tech head i know and

i don’t know anybody who is more of a junkie of

technology than him and more

also more knowledgeable

like you’re always on the ball

like there’s so many people giving a shit on this ipad

well you are a little bit of an

apple fan i am an

apple fan boy

you know why that’s why they’re giving you shit it’s

cause you’re

excited they’re really hating

that you’re

excited you know

it’s when you see

what gets tricky

not when you praise an

object but when you

start shitting on like the kindle

no fuck the kiddos dead

fucking kid

and then people

defend their kindle

and they get

crazy you know

i’m not an apple family

so many cameras i love

so many cameras i like the company i like to support

support something that i believe

in i think they’re the best

i love their little portable cameras with the ipad

but what’s crazy is before i was kind of like

tricking myself like yeah i just

want to get a netbook this is better than a netbook

i’m gonna support this thing

but then lately

they’ve been showing all

these applications and i’m like they have netflix now

so i’m gonna tether

internet from my cell phone

and be able to

watch netflix

anywhere i want to

throughout the united

states look at em

hey he’s losing his goddamn marbles i’m not

i’m tired of people i’m just gonna live

i’m living in my fucking

technology world it’s fucking

great it’s so

funny because if you were forced to live your life

in front of a computer

and then someone allowed you to go outside you’d be so

happy to go outside right

you know it’s because we were forced to live in reality

that the computer life seems so much more interesting

it seems more like

like i’m supposed to i’m looking for something yeah

we always talk that like

that’s why google is one of my favorite websites is i’m

searching for

something always i’m searching for something

that’s the best thing

about my message board when i go to that message board

every day i’m looking what do you got

what’s going on what’s happening

what am i looking for i don’t know

i will click links

until literally

sometimes i’m nodding out at the fucking keyboard

you ever do that yeah i’m like nodding out the keyboard

you sitting there

it’s usually

i’m supposed to be writing

and i just start surfing the internet

and then next

thing you know i’m not now

and i’m like what am i doing what kind of retard am i

i don’t even know what i’m looking for

i just keep

checking i got

i’ll be ready

to go to bed and then i’ll just let me go online real

quick yeah the

world and you go to the same

websites over and over waiting for that one update on

yeah you know

what man it’s pretty badass as a comedian though

there’s never been

a better time to be able to promote your gigs oh yeah

so much better

than it’s ever been before because

you know you can you can

get information out there and you know you can

you develop like a

whole network of your fans you know

and on your twitter page and your message board and

and people get to know you like the real you

it’s not like

the old days you

would do like

an interview you know like somebody like dean martin or

something like that you know there’s a kid with a bell

going eggs to

eggs to jewelry

that’s a funny farm

yeah i mean

how do you get someone to shows and

what they know

about you is like you

would do like the ed

sullivan show

you know you go on

stage and do like

seven minutes like that’s all you got

right now you could

you know i was telling ari like

we were ari who’s a very funny guy

sometimes has a hard time getting gigs on the road

and i was saying

you should put together something you know

where you do your best bits that you’ve ever done and

throw them up

on youtube because he has a lot of bits he

doesn’t even do anymore because he’s got new bits

and i’m like but you don’t have

those old bits like in a video

you should make a

video of your shit man you know

and put that on youtube i go you got really good bits

you know like the gay bar bed and like there’s a

bunch of bits of the hands that are really

classic bits that he

doesn’t do anymore

and i’m like take

those could just

throw them up on youtube man

and then people

will see it when it comes to you it shows

it’s really the best method it’s like

you know the old method of like

do you do like a comedy

central show yeah i mean

yeah i guess like some

those stand up sit downs or you know what a premium

blend or something like that

there’s like

seven people in each

you know there’s like yeah

i don’t know how

many is each shows in an hour half an hour what is it

how many comics go up on a premium

hour hour i think

it’s like four

comics or something like that

yeah people don’t really they

remember oh there was that guy he was kind of funny

but if they

could just go to fucking youtube

anytime they want like oh i thought this was funny

and then you send it to your friend

dude listen this guy’s hilarious

and then he says to his friend

that’s what happens it just gets

going i think

itunes is is insane

to me yeah you know the

other day i was trying to tell my friend this song

i’m like no you

gotta hear this

song damn it i’m like oh yeah i have an iphone

downloaded it right into

and like in a

minute i purchased it downloaded it

bluetoothing it to my

stereo in my car that’s fucking i was like

this is like a jukebox

i have the best jukebox ever it’s nuts it’s crazy

that just that idea is

crazy and that shit’s

gonna be in your car yeah

and it’s gonna be

voice activated

be able to press a button

and say go to itunes

you know download rolling

stones tattoo you bam

that shit’s gonna

have you seen the demos of the new

photoshop cs5

or six or whatever it is

the new feature in it

it’s on your message

board look under like

new photoshop

on the main form

but it’s smart

fixing so like you take a

picture there’s a tree there’s a

shadow there’s a blair

there’s somebody in the way of you

you just circle it

and cut it and

what it does it looks around it and

tries to make its own

scene so you’re just sitting there like tree

gone blair gone

shadow gone

it just like you have a brand

like it does all the hard work that took like

hours and hours

there’s gonna be the fakest photos

no photos are

gonna be real anymore

like pretty soon every

photo you take like you can zoom in your face just

cut a wrinkle and it’ll take make your skin grow

back like you’ll find out what your skin texture is

you just see the

video demo it’s

sweet so crazy so yeah for us

completely gone nap we’re

gonna go to the moon 10 times next year

it really is getting very strange

technology is getting very strange

it really is getting to this weird

point and we’ve talked about this before

and i’ve been talking

about on stage lately that it used to be that people

and i wrote about this in my blog

that when they invented something it was to make

their life better

the first caveman

invented putting a sharp

stick you know

you know appointed rock at the end of a

stick so they could

kill something

right and then they invented a pot so they

could take the meat and put it in something

carried easier and then they invented

all these i mean it made their life easier

what the fuck does the

large hadron collider do

to make your life easier

it looks awesome

it looks insane it looks like the biggest

robot roller coaster ever

they need to make a

movie in there

dude it looks so

crazy copper orange

2 in there can you imagine that just

think of the idea behind it

we are going to

send atoms around a

twenty seven kilometer circle

a giant machine

to build up

speed did they get to like

just below the

speed of light they slam into each other

yeah what the fuck

how is that

trickling down to anybody

i mean is there anything out of particle physics that

trickles down to make life more convenient for people

anything i mean

you’re talking about

the biggest

scientific project in history

there’s 10 000 different scientists from 100 countries

and it’s cost billions and billions of dollars

and i’m not criticizing

right and don’t get me

wrong because

somebody said something

about this like how

could you attack science

you know they’re trying they’re doing what they’re

trying i’m so not criticizing

i am oh i am not i am not on one side of the other

and i don’t

think there’s anything

wrong with them doing this

i’m just completely fascinated by it

i am so fascinated by the idea

that they’re trying to recreate the

conditions right

after the big bang

and that’s what they’re

looking for and that’s why they’re doing this and

probably something

weird that it

would trickle down to like storage of

power like battery life and

stuff you know

what i mean or

something ridiculous like that

maybe we’re

figuring out how to save

power or energy i mean

maybe because

they are making a collision yeah

there might be something

weird like that or it

could be something gay

it could trickle down i

guess i mean

who the fuck

is to say they’re not that smart yeah

i mean when

things get really wonky is

when they really figure out how to crack time

when they figure out how to

travel through time

you know and there’s been like there’s a model

that this this fucking

this scientist i

think his name was

kirk gordel

it was like when i was o’s with the double

o what is that called um

lot anyway he

was this guy who figured out that if you

could you have to take a cylinder

half the size of the

solar system

and spinning it at the

speed of light you have to

cross its i don’t remember exactly what the fuck

you know the formula was for it

but if you did that if you you actually created this

thing that was

half the size of the solar system

moving at a

speed of light somehow i know you actually

could go back in time like it is possible

like what the fuck

what if what if they figure out something

along those lines because

the thing about people is we’re not

gonna be satisfied with just a large hadron collider

it’s not like they’re gonna figure this out they’re

gonna create the higgs boston particle and they’re

gonna go well here we

got it you know we did create the god particle and we

we know that it’s real

no they’re gonna

come there’s

gonna be another

thing there’s

gonna be they’re

gonna try to get crazier

we think we can make a black hole

well if you

think you can make a

black hole let’s not do it

right well we don’t know if we can make a

black hole but we

think we can make

and we think it’ll go away really

quickly like what

that’s next

they’re fucking with everything

you know a thought i like a lot that we talked

about recently i always keep on

going back to

thinking is like

how what if all this create

because lately i have had a lot of

crazy stuff

going on in my life

and i was like what if

me and you in the future like iphone 50

are changing the past

hey what do you want this month

you know what i mean

we’re creating our own past

using technology

changing time

remember when we were talking

about that yeah like how

weird would that be like if we

could sit there now

and go okay we can go back to 1989

oh you’re eating

pizza here do you want something

crazy to happen

while you’re eating

pizza here yeah let’s just

throw in this

crazy you know right

cause like lately

it just seems like alright this is like

a lot of the

stuff that’s happened to me it seems like

it’s so insane that it

doesn’t seem real

like i’m waiting for reality show cameras to come out

yeah i don’t know man you know i have

often thought that

there’s a path

that you’re supposed to live in life and that path

will sort of

illuminate itself to you as you go

along the way

as long as you pay attention to your instincts

right you know and i think

a big part of that path is like your attitude in life

and how you view

things and how

you feel about yourself and how you feel

about life and i

think in as much as you can

kind of dictate a lot of that you can kind of

decide how you view the

world you can kind of decide your approach to things

and you can decide it

based on your instincts and i

think if you do that

then everything kind of just works out in a

great way it’s

weird you know as long as you’re doing the

right things it’s like

you have to really be a positive person you have

to really be disciplined so you don’t feel like you’re

slacking off on all the

things that you

should be working on and

there’s a certain balance

there’s a certain

guiltiness that you feel when you don’t work hard

enough at something and that’s there for a reason right

it’s not necessary

you can get that out of your life

just by doing what you’re supposed to

do and it feels better and you don’t feel like you’re

self defeating in the process

right you know i

think i think

there’s a path to life dude

and i think you might

think it’s very being controlled by us in the future

using technology

well that was our theory

right right i

think maybe that

is a possibility i mean

who the fuck knows

but i think what’s more likely is that

every person sort of as

ridiculous as it

sounds that

every person sort of fits into

a piece in this world

and that this

world everything

about it from bottled

water to fucking

space shuttles

that it’s all connected

and then it really is

even though it seems like life like we

think of it as just life that’s what we’ve

labeled it well here’s life on the

world here’s all

these people

going about

their day here’s

you know a boat on the

water we think

about it like that

but really all

these things in this life

everything they all have a

value they all have a position

they all have a purpose

and it really is like what we’re living in

is we’re living in a gigantic mathematical equation

and i think that that’s what all

human life animal life

wind and fucking

earthquakes and

everything i

think it’s all a part of

this insane mathematical

equation and that

chaos in life and

you know earthquakes and meteor impacts

these are all

built into this equation

this is how the

system works

this is how the

system works it seems like this

crazy randomness this fury of nature and you know and

birth and death and

you know and sexuality and creativity

and you know why was my

childhood so bad and you know why

was i raised you know in a wealthy family now i’m lazy

you know all

these different

things they all play like a little park and this

giant fucking equation it’s just so big we can’t see it

and so crazy and

alien because it is us

because it is the

world we live in

it’s almost impossible for us to really see the big

picture you know i

think that’s very possible

very possibly what we’re doing in this world

i think all of us are living

a giant mathematical equation and i

think it probably has something to do with technology

mean no one

you know treats that like

like it’s a serious

possibility because it’s a subject of terminator movies

you know but

if you looked at what’s

going on you

would see that

technology is

increasing at a much

faster rate of

evolution than

human beings

and if essentially what we’re capable of doing as a

human being

is make calculations and move and make decisions and

you know and have

moral code and a judgment in your mind i mean

you could fucking program a religion

into a computer and it

would actually follow it

you could give a computer a personality

you could force a computer to

react a certain way to different things

then you figure out a way to put a computer so small

that you put it in an artificial

body that you’ve created with your fucking computer

and the next

thing you know you have computers making

life and that life is a computer and that computer is

living you know its own version

of this mathematical program yeah

that’s just as possible

as us being a part of a mathematical program right

you know it’s all very possible

that you know

we are here to create

technology and then our

whole society is geared towards creating technology

the fact that like in china

do you know how fucked up the the

pollution is in china

it’s insane

they had this one city i forget what it is i

think vbs tv did

a documentary on it

this one city where

it’s so bad there that just breathing the air is like

smoking three packs of

cigarettes a day

it’s pretty bad here too joe

the other day i was coming

or drive into my

house and you couldn’t even see burbank because

of the smog

yeah that is bad

and we just breathe it in

every day it’s not bad

where you live but it’s

like yeah it

can’t be as good for you as clean air

that’s one of the reasons why i wanted to move to

colorado you know

i wanted to get away from this overpopulation austin

texas i tell you

well everybody says that though

but that’s why everybody’s moving to austin you know

i certainly

think the places that

have less people are nicer

we were in charlotte

north carolina this week for the ufc

and people and charlotte are so fucking nice

that’s my second

place i would move any

south carolina or

north carolina

dude charlotte

north carolina the people were so fucking cool

everybody was friendly

everybody was normal

you know it was like it was a really nice

place people were really nice

everybody in restaurants and bars

it’s like there’s less people people

are more down home they’re more friendly you know

it was a good time

yeah yeah this ain’t the best way to live

new york is

where we were just at

and those those are

more interesting

thing is we went from new york

to charlotte

north carolina

and charlotte

north carolina is way better

i mean new york

yeah has more restaurants yeah yeah yeah there’s more

stuff to do

definitely but

there’s also more tension

there’s also

you know the

dealing with the overpopulation dealing with traffic

just like everybody’s on edge

i don’t want to live somewhere

where everybody’s on edge

yeah it makes people

a little bit some people more creative it makes i

think it makes for more interesting people

you know people on the east

coast are way more interesting to me

than people on the west

coast they’re way funnier to me too isn’t it

weird that the left sides

of the united

states is more dangerous than the right side

but yet the

right side has the

angrier people

than the left side when it comes to like the east

coast versus west most of east

coast the left

coast is more dangerous

like angry people you know

like the new york

attitudes that boston attitudes the

florida gangster

the east coast is more

aggressive yeah

aggressive but yet that’s the safer

place to live

but you’d think it’d be nice to people

north carolina why is it a safer

place because

the whole side we live on you’re like

into the world shit like the

earthquakes and the volcanoes and the fucking

sort of but you know what they have to deal with snow

okay snow’s a

motherfucker the

secrets of snow too

snow makes people a little more

a little more hostile in america at least

i tried to explain

awake that that

that like why people are so

aggressive in boston and new york

i always said was they got to

deal with that cold weather it gets you a little more

tense but i

think this is

more to it than that it’s cold weather and


together that’s what makes douchey people

because in canada

people are so fucking nice man

they’re so well you know what that

doesn’t make

sense either

because even in toronto toronto is a big ass city

and people are nice as fuck there too

canada’s just make it

get much nicer

up there maybe

when your body has too much hydration you get angry

i don’t know what it is man

because canada

is not a country that’s living

under the shadow of this government

that’s out there trying to take over the world

you know that’s part of it too

i mean that

doesn’t make you up for america in the 50s though

or you know in the 30s or the 40s

they were pretty

aggressive back then too

and even in the 1800s

you ever see gangs in new york

what it used to be like

no dude gangs in new york is an awesome

movie you’ve

never seen that no

oh it’s awesome

to daniel day

lewis is one of

those dudes that like becomes

whoever the fuck is

in that movie he’s like a different dude

when he does

these movies you know

he’s like one of

those few guys

that really

russell crowe can do that

gary oldman can do the shit out of that

you know he’s one of

those dudes

that just becomes a different dude when he’s in

those movies man

there’s there’s

there’s that new leonardo

movie do you ever see it

the shut stutter

island or yeah i didn’t like that one you didn’t no

now i talked

about it it was really good for like the

first hour or so

and then i don’t want to give away any

spoilers because some people

haven’t seen it you

haven’t seen it either

i don’t wanna say it you ever see the

beach with him in it or the island or

no that’s like the cheesiest

movie ever but i like a good fucking actor though yeah

he’s another one he he gets into

things like he’s he’s good you know

it’s that’s you know that’s

by the way oh yeah

that’s a craft you know there’s

there’s there’s some cheese heads out there there

they’re not

doing anything special but there’s a few like like

that’s another

thing that that

movie that i said

crazy heart what you guys

named jeff bridges

jeff bridges

that that’s another guy he’s

the big lebowski i mean he’s just

he’s an amazing actor he’s one of

those dudes

you just he gets into that fucking role man he does it

so so we should answer some questions or something

yeah everybody

you see the movie

dream with the fishes

dream with the fishes you know as

david arquette in it

really small

budget low budget

movie but one of the

things is is like

they this guy was

dying and said

they he wanted to do like what his last list of

things and one

thing he did is he went

naked bowling he went in this bowling

alley in the middle

night on lsd

and went bowling

naked with strippers

wow and that scene

right there to me is just

is there any

three things that you

would say if you knew you’re

about to die that you would

definitely do all right

everything’s off i’m doing this now

have you ever thought

about that no

no like i don’t have anything no

no have you ever seen the pyramids

yes yeah i would like to see the pyramids

but you know what

i could be okay without seeing

them i think

being i mean i

think i’ve seen so much of it on dvd

i mean i think yeah it

would be really

nice to go over there and see it live for sure

definitely like it

would be spiritual

like not feel like a different vibe in the air

yeah you know i know what you mean yeah but i

could be okay without saying that i mean

i think it’s real i

would love to see

a lot of things i

would love to

see the congo but i don’t want to go in there

right it’s too

scary but if you get

when force fields come out

would you go in

what if you fucking force

your runs out of battery

yeah person

right when a

gorillas make it a fucking charge at you

what is no not now you fuck what if personal

force fields were like oh you got at t personal

force field what are you fucking

crazy you’re gonna go in the congo with at t personal

right yeah you don’t have verizon do not go overseas

yeah that’s no no shit right it’s gonna be like that’s

gonna be tied to at t one did you like dr manhattan

what dr manhattan

what’s that from the fucking oh what is it

what’s that movie

watchman yes the watchman

jesus christ

so you know i was not familiar with that comic book

before that movie

either was i

it’s good though did

you know it was on ellen is dr manhattan

i don’t think i ever talked about this

when twitter

first came out ellen

tweeted like

hey go to this bus stop if you want to be on the show

but you have to

dress up as a superhero hurry

and i was at the stoplight

right next to that bus stop

so i pull over

and i’m fucking looking through my car

trying to find i had some laundry in there i had some

clothes and

a back pillow and

i found all these blue

things and i

dressed up all in blue

and i put this neck pillow on my head and

i got in the bus stop

and i was on the

ellen show as dr manhattan

and one of the funniest

things though was i took a

sleeve of a blue coat and i put it through my zipper

and i tied it at the end and put some

socks in it and

stuff like that

so it looked like i had this big wavy dick

and nobody even

solid like they didn’t even

understand that that’s what it was

but if you watch it knowing that

i’m coming out on

ellen they’re like let’s introduce dr wat mr manhattan

or whatever

and i’m coming out with a

swingy thing is there a

video of this online

isn’t but i will put a video

up how do you not have that online

i think i do but it’s on my facebook

and god how dare you i’ll

put it on the masses you fucked up you

should have it right now

i’ll put it

redband com or twitter back

right now redband com

i don’t get joe’s philosophy of

thinking that scene

that scene the pyramids on tv is the same as real life

oh man i don’t

think it’s the same as real life i’m just saying if i

if there’s only a few

things i could do before i died that

wouldn’t be my choice i’d be okay without seeing it i

would like to see it

one of the reasons why i

haven’t done it is because

first of all i don’t

have much time i travel so much for work

i don’t really have that much time to travel

outside of work it’s not fun for me it’s like i’m

traveling all the time so like an extra trip to egypt

doesn’t sound

exciting to me

and then the other part

about it is that

it’s not that safe over there you know you got to be

it’s tricky i don’t want to have to

sweat shit you know i saw

the only ruins i’ve ever seen

we’re in mexico i saw the mayan

ruins at chichen itza which

is pretty humbling man

and it’s really fascinating just

stand there

and i do agree that there’s a big difference between

standing there in person

you know and

checking these things out

then watching a

video or seeing it in pictures

standing there in person was

pretty flabbergasting

but all i’m saying is

i don’t need to

go to egypt i

would like to yes but i don’t need to i

could be okay without doing it

but i’m not saying that it’s the same thing

it’s certainly not

you know but you can

learn a lot of

things about

certain places and really

experience like how amazing and beautiful they are

just from dvds

like you really don’t have to fucking

you don’t have

to go to the congo the congo so fucking dangerous

everything there is trying to kill you

everything there

they got ants there that kill elephants

what did you hear me son

they got ants that kill elephants they

climb up the fucking elephant

go into his ear and

start eating his

brain while he’s alive

and they do that in

surges they have

these little

monster ants that

climb inside and eat

their fucking

brain and they’re responsible for way more

deaths in africa than any of the

other things

ants kill everything man

they kill everything

there’s some

monster crazy

scary ants in in africa

and that’s not even

fuck all that what

about the spiders

that act as a team

there’s no spiders anywhere in the

world that act in packs

except the congo

and they don’t even know why

but fucking

deers get trapped

and these little tiny

spider webs deers get trapped

these tiny spiders

swarm on it like a hundred once and fuck them up

they make these

giant ass fucking webs

they realize that they’re

small and in

order to survive and stay

alive they have to jack bigger shit

so they they fucking

teamed up they get birds they get all kinds of shit

it’s fucking nuts man it is nuts

and that’s just spiders

what about the fucking

snakes there’s all kinds of fucking

snakes in the congo there’s

there’s a chimpanzee in the congo that’s six feet tall

and they walk upright sometimes

they’re called bondo apes it

sounds retarded it

sounds totally ridiculous

because nobody ever tells you about it

but they have

photographs of

these things they got

pictures of a dead one

they have different

bone samples

like they’ve confirmed this is an actual real animal

it has a crest on his head like a gorilla does

so it’s a different animal

it’s a different species of chimpanzee

that’s much larger

and they call them lion killers that’s what the

locals call them

and they have fucking observed

scientists observe and

photograph them eating a dead jaguar

they don’t know if they killed the jaguar

but what the fuck

they’re eating a goddamn

jaguar that’s why verizon personal

force field is important very important

but i would love

to see all that you know but i don’t want to go there

jesus christ

you go to the congo

just a mosquito will fuck the rest of your life up

you ever watch that show

or the enemies inside us

where people like they always go

swimming in africa and like fucking geniuses

and shit gets in

their ear and

starts rotten away

their brain

you know like big giant

tumors you growing in

their head and turns to be a massive worms

that they picked up in africa

seven years ago

get the fuck out of africa are you crazy

everything’s trying to kill you there everything

that’s scary man

sounds like a good porno to

enemy inside you yeah

that’s one of the best

things that porns do

they’re really good at that yeah they’re really good at

coming up with

jersey or names yeah

they’re pretty

pretty creative when it comes to that yeah

all right what are the questions up in this bitch

yeah youtube that bondo apes man that thing will

freak you the fuck out i twittered the me on ellen

but i could only find in torrent

right now but there’s links in the torrent

oh really yeah

powerful torrent

somebody retweet it for me so it shows up on the youth

stream chat

so i’m gonna see that was it clash of the titans

yeah i want to see that too that looks like a

bad reviews though

really yeah i

heard it was shit well they probably

weren’t high

yeah it’s true

i’ve been not smoking weed i didn’t

smoke weed for almost a week

until recently

his guy says are you

aware the internet

came out of cern no i didn’t know that

those are the people that are working on the

large hadron collider

wow i thought the internet came out

al gore’s butthole

that wasn’t it no

how did that even

he never really said steve

was in the act

started that

wouldn’t that be hilarious

i’m gonna start this

thing about al

gore but he

never really said that he invented the internet right

that’s all no

he helped work on what

came the internet but it was more like funding right

i help like

push a bill

through or some nonsense

like in the

guy pushing for right he

might have said that he was one of the people that

helped but did he ever say does anybody know i don’t

even want to look that up you know why fuck out or

i don’t give a shit

about out core

when i heard how much money out

goes made from climate research

now i’m like what al gore has made an assload of money

based on the idea that we are

you know warming the earth

with our bullshit

and we may very well be

i don’t know man but i do know that people get nutty

about that issue and

that’s a one of

those weird issues

these those

right left issues are so strange

where people just

start spouting out shit

and they don’t they

haven’t really done the research yet

you know like there’s

there’s a good

video the same guy that did this video

with sarah palin

i don’t remember the dude’s name i’m

gonna find out though

but he did a video

where he went to a

sarah palin

book signing and then

asked these people like you know what do you feel

about you know

sarah palin what really gets you

excited about you know about her

stance and the issues and no one knew a fucking

thing like not

no one had any idea what

you know they were just like she’s just like those

she stands for

you know down home

values and i

think she’s the best

thing going

she’s getting

back to real people like they’re just saying nonsense

and you realize that people don’t have to fucking

they don’t have to you know make

sense they just have to have a

bunch of people

thinking they make sense

that’s all you really need to have

but this guy he did it with the tea

party people too

i don’t like i don’t know fucking dudes name

but he made this

video and it was just

genius shit man

you know people just

they everybody

just they just take a side that there’s

their team takes

you know what i mean

and it’s like this us

versus them nonsense

it’s just so

crazy when it comes to global warming

when it comes to health care

it’s like you know

everyone has a very

typical and predictable

what are you doing just come back

now typical

and predictable

you know stance on

things and very rarely to people stray

outside you know

either or ideologies left or

right you know

i hate when people ask me

a democrat or republican like what are you talking

about it’s a nonsense game

it’s all nonsense

there’s no fucking democrats and there’s no republicans

just stop it

it’s all nonsense it’s been nonsense

since the beginning

it’s just it’s a

bunch of fucking

red tape and and and and fucking

just complications

a bunch of shit

piled up together

to to control either or

you know the idea that there really

are democrats and there really i mean look at what

obama’s doing he’s doing the

exact same shit bush did

he’s doing a little a few

things different socially

you know the don’t ask don’t tell

but when you win the nobel

peace prize you

still send 30

000 more people to a war that nobody wants

i mean do they

really know more than everybody else they

talk politics on me man

dude it’s like talking

sports and to me don’t you think that

if you just it

doesn’t to me well

i don’t think you should

spend that much time who cares what the

government is fuck that guy fuck it all it’s all

stupid just negative

if you really

think about how fucked up this

whole united

states government it is but i mean you

think that it’s is it possible to do anything

about it i think if it is what the ways you’re

gonna do something

about it is not necessarily

it’s influencing people with thought

and changing

these people’s

opinions before they get into this terrible situation

of doing fuck up things

that are not benefiting the people i

think you have to

affect them you have to let them know that they’re not

gonna live forever

i think there’s people way

better than that than me

so instead of

worrying and

spending my stress on it adam

that’s a comic though man

to me it’s just like another

crazy reality show that i have to watch yeah

you know yeah i just

fucking like it’s like

they attack each other

it’s so ridiculous

you can’t believe

anyone you can’t

everyone’s fucking fake it’s all bullshit

crazy is that fox news

is real that that’s a real i mean that is like some

power to that fox news is a real show

fox news is like if there was like a tv a

movie from the 80s

would like bill

murray in it some sort of a parody

that would be like the

right wing you know

raw raw fucking

truth organization that would be

the network that they

would make fun of

in a parody

movie and that’s what’s really

going on man

in a parody

movie there

would be like some really hot blonde chick

who was mean as fuck

you know like all

those hot blonde chicks on

on fox news that all look like they have this mean face

the other hot as fuck

but they got this like they’ll

fucking yell at you man you know what i mean they’ll

when they when they interrogate dudes on the show

when they you

know i give people a hard time on the show when i

cut people off like that like

these stern

right wing like aryan

blue eyed hot bitches

you know that’s perfect for like a bill

murray movie

and those chicks

would be real

horny and somebody be fucking i

would they be

screaming out nazi shit or something

you know i mean that that

would be in the

movie i mean

they really are it is really is life is like a

movie life is like as

ridiculous as a movie

more almost


right i mean

when you think

about like a plot in a

movie that you know is predictable and annoys you

you know life is way more

way more wacky than that

you know what look i mean like

the ted hagrid

thing with that guys that you know the the religious

guy gets caught doing gay sex and crystal math

you know the fucking john

edwards thing

where he gets busted

and his wife is

dying and he’s not having this baby with this

other woman and all this

this craziness that goes on with people

all of it all together it’s like we are the nuttiest

movie of all time

we’re the craziest movie ever

don’t you think yeah

and what the fuck is this folks

where is this going

you know we’re all just living and

until our body shut off and

we don’t even address it

we don’t even stop and really

think about it i mean you know on oprah

you know everybody wants to tell you how you can

better decorate your living room with fucking feng shui

and you know

the the the

the current

consciousness of our culture

you know is not at all

focused on the the really big questions like the really

freaky fucking questions

like the fact that

how little we

think about

space you know

the little we

think about the fact that

and anytime

some crazy shit can happen there

could be a hypernova

in the next galaxy and we’d be

wiped out instantly

like this is all real and

random and easily can happen

no it’s is there any

money in campfires

like making a campfire

no cause you’d be really good at campfires

somehow you you

could if there was any

money in like campfires like hey we’re

gonna have a campfire tonight if you

could get any

money from that

and go joe rogan’s

gonna be at this campfire what

and don’t you

think you’d be like the best

person would

be a bunch of

dudes who would want to take

pictures with me with

their fists up

your packages imagine you

would like a damn fire show

every fucking

coors light

in in big coolers

and be like yo bro who’s

gonna be gsp

stop ruining this campfire bro

man we’re talking about ancient

civilizations bro i’ll fuck those ancient faggots

you want a beer a

boy was it worms to shot girl worms

but anyways that’s what would happen

you should have campfires what am i doing

instead of comedy nights you have campfire

night where you’re in the middle of a campfire you all

bring your tents and you all hang out and smoke weed

and do mushrooms and you’re in the middle

just like doing what you’re doing now or stand up kind

of in like a

metal talking campfire guy that sounds like a

great way to get annoyed by hippies

true you gonna deal with a lot of

stinky somebody starts bringing harmonica

no harmonica’s

gonna be a bunch of stinky dudes that need favors

it’s gonna be annoying

it’ll be annoying

that’s the number one problem with marijuana’s hippies

god damn some of them are annoying

can you imagine the smell of a hacky sack convention

yeah i could i could

the truly and happy sex sweats yeah hippies you know

the the idea behind it is great

the problem is a lot of the people that fall into that

that mode of thinking they’re all fucked up

you know they’re lazy too that’s another

problem with hippies a lot of them are fucking lazy

you know a lot of them are always

broke and always like want

you to help them out and there’s oh it’s like it’s a

drain like if you have hippies for friends it’s like

some of them are just constantly asking for

favors and it gets so annoying

you know it’s like you have to cut them off as friends

you’re just always needy

you fuck like get your goddamn shit together you know

that’s like

how many dudes do

you know that are like that that are like always broke

that’s like come on man

oh so you gotta get your shit together you

know it’s a lot better out here though back in ohio is

completely different you know

yeah it’s way more brokesters in ohio

you know at

least out here most people and i know are

you know kind of like

have jobs like us

where you know

where it’s like

comics and people that aren’t

the people in your circle yeah

yeah yeah yeah

well you know what man

living a regular life you know regular jobs

it’s very hard for people to do

after a while

because you know we’re sold

this bill of goods that all you need to be happy is

you know find something that’s pays well and that

you know steady work

doesn’t matter if you don’t love it you

still have your free time

you know you go through it and

you know you move up the ladder and you make more

money and you buy a bigger house

and then you fucking die

you know there’s no there’s no

end to that you know and

for some idea

for some reason we’re sold that there is

we’re sold that

we’re doing something we’re working hard

and eventually it’s

gonna pay off

it doesn’t pay off

you just die

you know everybody just dies

so you have to

enjoy this this is what you have

enjoyed right now

and it’s not

it’s not possible for everybody

there’s been a lot of times in your life and in my life

that we weren’t

enjoying things you know

you know i wasn’t i wasn’t

enjoying life i

didn’t have

good things happening

drive limos

a drive limo

what was that

like have you ever did you ever do anything

famous or anyone

famous or anyone that was like

like wow i had

frank sinatra

in the back of my limo no

i almost got to

drive stevie ray

vaughan but he

wouldn’t take limos he

would only take a cab

he was one of

those is that like the

worst day for you were like i’m getting

drunk tonight i almost was

i was like god

i probably would have panicked i probably

would have killed him it

would have probably been me that killed him and not the

helicopter i was

i was a huge

t ray vaughan fan

yeah so if i really got to

drive him in a car i’d probably

panic i was only 19 years old i was an

idiot wow you know

maybe i was 20 20

i was watching this wasn’t at home so yeah

i think i moved out of my parents

house when i was 20

so i think i was 21

when i was doing that

i was watching

a driver when we were out of town in new york

i was watching the linwood driver

and he had to sit in his car

the whole day

he was having a full on

with his wife just having

like conversations and i felt bad for

these guys because they’re like

gone for chunks

at a time it’s a hard job

you know what’s really hard

about it is the

hours they want you to work

crazy hours i mean

and the way they

would put it to me though

when i first got the job

there they were saying you know what a lot of you guys

gonna go to school

and you know you’re

gonna try to make a living and you’re

gonna realize it’s a hard job for us out there

you know it’s hard to get jobs

you look at mikey over there

he’s been working here

for ten years

he doesn’t bust his ass

he sits down in a nice car all day

and he makes

sixty thousand dollars a year

okay that’s real money

and that’s what

they said to me wow and i was sitting there

going oh my god do you know how many

hours that guy works he

doesn’t have a life like

he gave away his

whole life for 60 000 a year

right like this fucking guy

was literally no bullshit working 16

hours every day

he was always there

and i looked at him i was like okay you got tricks on

right you know you’re doing the

wrong thing man

i gotta get the fuck out of here

but you know

that ain’t easy

man if you got a job if you’re only doing it for a few

hours a day you know if you’re doing it like a regular

job it ain’t bad really if you have good clients

you know what are you doing

you’re sitting down you’re driving that’s no big deal

but they want you to work

crazy hours i was doing 40

hours a week

and they were

they were mad at me they wanted me to put in more

hours like i’d work

eight hours

i would work

eight hours

and i would want to go home

and they were going

eight hours

nothing mikey with his

twelve and he

still waiting for his next pickup

maybe like fuck mikey and fuck you i worked

eight hours

get me out of here

stupid i don’t want any more

hours i got

i got work to do

i had a gig at a

some fucking bar you know one of

these comedy things

and i had to

leave work for the gig and

when i was there on the way there they

switched the gigs

like they said oh we’re

gonna send you to this one instead

like there was like

i think was probably boston comedy at the time

there’s like a booking agency

and they had a

bunch of these little gigs

you know like in

weird little places you

drive like an hour and a half and it was like a little

sports bar and then have a little

stage and you

would go on stage

sometimes they

would switch you like say hey this guy is

gonna go with him

cause he doesn’t have a car

so why don’t you go to this

place instead

so that’s what i did

and so this asshole called up the fucking the bar

where i was supposed to be cause he

asked me like you’re leaving now i’m like i gotta gig

so he calls up the fucking bar

and then the next day is you

lying motherfucker

you told me you were working like like like like

dude i worked

eight hours

and yeah i could

switch like i had tell him the

whole story

to keep my job

and he had to call this bar

right after working eight

hours right

ridiculous i

used to wash windows with me and this girl it was the

worst she would heck

this little girl would hold

the ladder and i

would have to

climb like four stories up

oh my god while

stoned out of my mind

and trying to

clean windows like bending over and

stuff why were you doing that because it was like 12

hours an hour and in ohio 12

hours an hour is amazing

why are we doing it stoned huh

why are we doing that

cause we’re washing windows dude

i mean what else are you

gonna do like wash windows and be

sober because

that’s the worst

stuff i’ve ever

think if you

got way the fuck up down a ladder like that god

damn that’d be terrifying yeah but sometimes

you just go to a

house and you go

oh fuck why’d i get stoned

you look at the

house and you’re like oh no

anyways my boss

this old lady

said that me or the girl who was my

girlfriend at the time but we worked together

stole something from her

house and we got

fired the boss

was yelling and

screaming at us and

wasn’t even

gonna pay us any paycheck

stuff then a week later

he called us back

oh by the way she

found what she was looking for

and she apologizes

i’m like well yeah me and this girl are fired yeah

that’s ridiculous

dick ass do

you remember

what it’s like to have a boss

like have bosses oh

that’s my life oh

god the worst is waiting table is

treating like shit

the idea that someone who is

above you in a work organization that gets to

treat you like shit

that is one of the

worst feelings in the world

i did construction

most of the time i did construction i did it

under nice guys

i never had any real bad bosses

but i did have one bad bosses a landscaper

guy was an asshole

just just an asshole just not friendly

not nice wanted you to always work harder

never had a

smile never appreciated your work

would give your

money at the end of the week

with like a look like you didn’t even deserve this like

you motherfucker i work for you all week you cunt

i worked all week all day all week exhausted

at the end of

every day just so tired

pushing a lawnmower

in the hot sun and digging holes for people

and doing whatever the fuck they want you to do it’s

labor you know and this

motherfucker didn’t give a shit

like i couldn’t imagine that

i couldn’t imagine having someone work for me

and having them do all the

stuff and then

treating them like shit

yeah like you know

you don’t even fucking deserve this

like really

like what kind of a fucking

human being

you know makes someone work hard and doesn’t

appreciate that you know

that’s terrible and it sets you up

in life to start

thinking of work like that

you know so you

never think you’re

gonna do anything with your time that’s

gonna be actually fun

you know i think it’s even possible you know

i did i wash dishes

oh that was the worst

it’s pretty bad but i moved up

to the grill

and the grill was way

worse for my acne

so i would do fucking cheeseburgers

and i was a lazy fucking kid i didn’t wash my face

and i was like a

teenager so i was getting all these

zits anyway

and just my

whole face is just a zit

fucking festival

i stopped working there

yeah moved up to papa gino’s

did a little papa gino’s for a

while and then i

started getting real jobs then i started

teach martial arts

you know what

the best job was i was a projectionist for like

eight years i mean the managers at

movie theaters and

stuff like that

but working in the

movie theater industry it’s so fun

especially when it was a projectionist

my job is like

you know thread the

movie because it was like an

art just like threading this film through this machine

and then that’s perfect and

you’re into that crazy

show you start the

movie you can sit there and

watch it with headphones on

or i just like go out back

smoke weed you

know it was just like that was my job

it was so crazy one of the coolest times

ever after a show once

back at the old

laugh stop in houston this is

right when the blair

witch project came out

and these kids came to the show

and then after they came to the show

we all went out and we watched

blair witch

at the theater

it was like really late at

night because it was like

the show at the

last stop was like

11 o’clock at

night and it

went on to like 1

30 so it was like

2 o’clock in the morning by the time we get out and

these kids opened up the

theater and turned it on did

everything just for us

so it was like me and them

and you know my friend chris mcguire and

like one of the guy from the comedy club

and we all watched blair

witch and his

nowadays they fucking hook xboxes up to it and it’s all

digitally oh

no my friend wagner’s like anytime

you want to come like they do it on the imax screen at

universal oh

because they’re and play like xbox on this

dude perfect hd

my head might explode

imagine that quake

fucking head

might explode

i can’t do it i’m scared of

quake dude to this day i thought

about playing it the other day

i got scared by the way dude your dvd’s out too you

should plug that

and my short

movies on there

talking monkeys in columbus yeah

and it’s pretty cool watch it

yeah the dvds out so if you saw the special

on tv it’s that and there’s a lot of

it’s uncensored

and there’s a lot of q amp a footage is like

45 minutes or something yeah

it’s a lot it’s like

i don’t remember how many minutes it is but

it’s a lot of q amp a

and i do that at most of the shows i just

i always feel like

it makes it more fun you know like it’s one

thing to have like a normal comedy show

and i know you want that too

but i think it’s also fun to just

shoot the shit together you know and me make fun of

things you know with a microphone

and so at the end of the show

i always have that kind of q amp a type thing

except it’s almost

becoming bits because everyone

asked the same questions and that kind of

sex is if you see you

twice then you’re getting the same questions

then it’s like

what is the same question i know and i try to some

things have to be answered the

same way like the dmt

thing there’s no

other way to answer it

you know when i try to explain that there’s no

other way to explain

it i have to explain it the best way i can explain it

and that’s that and it’s

gonna sound the same way

every time the only way it’s funny is

if i do it like that anyway

right it is a bit so but

you know what i’m gonna do

about that i’m

gonna put that on my next

comedy special

that description of it so that way

nobody ever

asked me again

cause they know what it is

you know what

i mean it’s like

you’re not gonna yell out dmt

and i’m like i’ll just say go to itunes bitch

you know at a certain

point in time it’s like i can’t keep talking

about the same things over and over

again and that’s one of them that’s been

ever since i’ve

did conversations

about it on jim brewer’s show

i hate that fight

who’s gonna win versus who like people don’t get that

you said that a million times

don’t ask what do you think

about this fight and this fight who’s gonna win

well i know i know people like to talk

about fights they just like to talk

about it that’s like baseball to me yeah baseball

well there’s a certain amount

of people that just like that they just like to talk

about it and you know i

appreciate the fact that

you know they like

me as a commentator and they want to know my take on

things you know and i

understand that

but you know i can’t

first of all i

wouldn’t give a prediction

the only time i

would ever give a

prediction is something’s ridiculous

you know like you know

fade or is gonna

fight my mom

i’m gonna say oh my mom’s fucked

you know right

right right

right you know i’m saying

but unless it’s like that i don’t get

predictions and

those fights don’t

occur in the

ufc the ufc fights 99

of them like

hmm so i’m like what the fuck is

gonna happen here with this

i can see a lot of scenarios taking place

and there’s

neither one of them is

definite for sure

so i would never say

this guy’s gonna do this and that when

i hear guys

especially guys that have

never fought

in anything before

they’re just

sports broadcaster type dudes

and they’re talking shit

about fighters and like this guy

doesn’t belong in there with him and it’s gonna be

easy work for that guy and

i look for him to

knock him out in the

first round

what are you talking

about you’re just

making some

crazy prediction

about what the fuck is

gonna happen in a

fight between two

skilled men

that are more than capable of

smashing each

other you zig

when you should have zag

bam somebody cracks one

the knees give out

and you got a

flashlight on your face when you

wake up that shit is normal that’s par for the course

that happens all the time

you know i mean people who

never thought they were

gonna get knocked out get

knocked out it happens all the time

people get submitted when they were winning easily

you know guys who like

guys who no one ever thought

would get submitted

that dude in the wec recently got so many

karen karen darabedian

i think his name is

badass fucking

grappler and he fucked up he left an arm in there this

dude took his arm block

you can’t predict

it was a power outage at the last usc right yeah

was it off on or was it uh

i tweeted that

ariani plugged

their vibrator in backstage and

crushed the circuit breaker

you see the

power adapter of it but she

tweeted then that

it was actually my butt plug my vibrating butt plug

so i thought your

ship was solar

powered she made me feel really bad about that

but yeah it was

right before roy nelson fought stefan struve

right before they went to fight

the power went out that’s

never happened before it was totally affordable

did you see ariana has her own

shirt that they sell at uscs now

it’s just her

i’m gonna get one you

should you should wear it off to it

that’s right

put it on backwards you know what i’m talking

about yeah i don’t know what you’re talking

about no just

put it on backwards and her face and skin will be

touching you yeah

oh nice so she’s hugging you yeah

and then you put on some

barry white oh

fuck you no find

that’s who’s not something i

went who is a

chef from south park

you guys see this what i see

south park dudes

about made up of marijuana

i know man i have to see so many of them i have a

bunch of them

saved up on the dvr

south park is the best ever no no show has been


funny for this long

you know south park that’s the

greatest show in the history of the world

they’re the meanest

when they go

after somebody

they’re the like

they’re the funniest

that the most fucked up there’s no show that’s even

close to his fucked up

that show that they did were

paris hilton had the whore off with the gay dude

and he stuff

paris hilton up his ass like oh my god

jesus christ that was good yeah

they’re just so funny

they take your

place you like there’s no way they’re

gonna go yeah

i can’t fucking believe you did that you know

they just do it consistently over and over and over

again it’s the one

the number one show for me like

guaranteed i’m

gonna love it yeah

i want to hang with

trey parker so bad

maybe he will try to fuck you or something no no

man i think

i think he’s probably

one of the funniest guys ever as far as like creativity

yeah i don’t

think any anybody has ever

put out as much

stuff as prolific as he is

no one has ever put out as much

funny stuff as that guy and the other guy too

i don’t know i mean

i don’t know who’s writing it you’ve seen cannibal that

who writes it

who’s writing

trades he writes

everything what he

writes everything

i think he just helps once in a

while but it’s mostly sure yeah

i don’t want because we don’t want to

give him credit no no

no from what i

understand that

trey just locks himself

in his office and just mad writer and he’s always

changing stuff and

there’s no show that’s been like that

i mean think

about what they’re doing they have

these little

corny looking animated dudes that

they’re really really really crude

the images are so crude

and it’s really easy to do

you know as far as like that kind of stuff is

and then they consistently

go after more shit and trevor

i’m sorry what’s that

i was gonna answer something real quick

trevor they don’t have a team of writers

sorry this guy says they have a team around

but he knows

the people that worked there yeah

he’s actually been there before

i think they had a team of writers at one

point for like

a season or something or help

writer help but

from my understanding now it’s really just trey

yeah everybody says this week’s episode groovy girly

everybody says that it’s the

greatest episode ever

it’s pretty

ridiculous there’s one part about it

so good man they’re so good it’s humbling

it’s humbling how much that guy’s put out you know you

think about the

stuff that you’ve done like how

productive you’ve been over your life

and you see what that guy’s done like

jesus christ i just wish that team america too

would happen

cause that was that was so

i know it was the hardest

movie ever for everybody

damn that was

a good one of my i

think that’s top five

maybe maybe the

first one the

there was no no

movie ever the

first time i saw it made me

laugh that hard no

movie yeah no

movie even came close yeah

that was the

second time it wasn’t as

funny to me

but the third time

i mean it’s just like

it’s not the

third time was just as good as the

second yeah i just saw the other

day and it was

maybe funnier

than the first time i saw it i forgot how

funny it was

maybe i saw too

close to each

other a lot of it was

shocking yeah it’s like

more at twice

you know we saw more at once and then

again five years

later i tried

to do that i didn’t

enjoy it i didn’t

enjoy it the

second time but i

loved it so much the first time

you know there’s certain

things that you can’t see twice

but certain

things you can see over and over and over

again you know it’s

funny comedy is a very

funny thing like that you know

like why is like really bad stuff

like roadhouse

or like show girls or something like that like

the more you see it the funnier it is

you know you can see it like a

bunch of times and it gets funnier

because you

start knowing the

script of it and you

wanna act it out

there’s some movies that are so ridiculous

that it’s just

going oh this one right here howard the duck this

is oh ducky

that movie what is it called the room

adventures in babysitting nobody

this this was recommended to me i

think we’ve talked about this

if you want a bad

movie go get this the room it’s fucking

genius we don’t watch it by yourself it’s not as fun

but if you watch it with some friends that are funny

it’s a genius

geniusly bad movie

apparently they have screenings

in hollywood

and they play that movie and people get there and they

quote the words

because everyone

knows the words and it’s like a sort of rockyara

picture thing

it’s that bad hmm

you wanna borrow it

yeah well i

could just make a cup i mean what the can i

just look at it on my computer real

quick that’s

illegal let me just look at it on my computer real

quick alrighty

i just want to observe

no it’s not even do this online

i don’t want

people to get the

wrong impression here

everyone likes fight club

you know what man i’ll tell you what i didn’t like

fight club i liked it i liked it for a

while and then when i

found out that

the two dudes were actually one dude

i was like what fuck you

man i didn’t like

it anymore so i liked it up

until the end that

movie rules dude

that movie i didn’t like it after i

found out that there were supposed to be two dudes

inside cause he’s

punching himself in the face and

i’m like what

yes that was

way more believable the problem is you’re seeing a

bunch of shit

in this movie that didn’t really happen but it’s

still it’s like the

style of it the visuals but it’s a she’s in

the airplane

in a plane it’s a

shitty plot

the ending to me is like yeah that sucks

because it’s not what i wanted to be

but everything else

along the way was so amazing that you can’t see it

required a suspension

of disbelief that i wasn’t willing to give it

when all of a

sudden you’re telling me that

everything i saw

was just his imagination

so this entire

movie what was real out of this fucking

movie cause in the

movie i saw

there was two different people

and if one part of it was

absolutely a figment of his imagination

what the fuck what

about the rest of it

how do i know what i’m

watching anymore now i’m

watching nonsense

now you have this shitty plot device

where you can say oh

it was just a

dream oh he’s gone

crazy this is what’s really happening

he’s hitting himself

i’m like what

so what has really happened this guy’s just been

sitting around hitting himself there’s been no real

fighting i think

what’s really going on i

think he just don’t like seeing brad pitt get hurt dude

is a part of me you know like part of me

leave me alone

leave me alone

yeah that’s another

funny part about that

movie you know

that everybody’s like liking

enjoying getting the fuck beat out of them

yeah that’s

crazy i love

it i would hope that that’s not the case

in real life i hope there’s not really

well there’s

totally real

fight clubs like that like

those old videos we used to see

about the fights in the yards the

what are they called

where they’re like gang

fights almost

over in russia

russian gang

fights that’s the same that’s a

fight club that’s the

exact same thing

well that’s like a gang war yeah

youtube russian

fights russian soccer thug

fight yeah soccer

fights they beat the fuck out of each

other we’ve talked

about that on here before that’s

yeah those guys are nuts russians

they’re a different breed son

that’s a hardy race

i’m addicted to

those videos

those are russians

they love the brawl son

my fan of nor mcdonald’s huge fan

nor mcdonald’s one of my favorite comedians

each fucking hilarious

norm mcdonald is a very unique dude there’s something

really just funny about him

i was just go canoeing with him

i love to talk to him about anything he’s one of

those dudes just want to talk to

i wanted fight club to be a

buddy film hey fuck you man

fuck you hector

wow you got some crazy shit going on with your name

dang goose esquire

wow i like your avatar though that’s pretty dope

blinking third eye

you crafty internet hacker you

have i seen donnie

darko yeah i

like that a lot i thought that was an interesting movie

like it yeah

it’s pretty interesting man

donnie darko and don’t get me

wrong i love

fight i mean if i had a see

fight club again

i would watch it up

until the moment i

would watch it up

until the moment

where you find out

these two people then i shut it off

because i liked it up until then

you know i just

i don’t like that is what i like

about didn’t like

about shutter

island i don’t like when you say oh it’s all

trick you know don’t don’t give me that i don’t

wanna hear it

that’s nonsense

show me a real goddamn

movie you know

that’s why i like the avatar it was so

clean i have a feeling lost it’s gonna fuck

my face up i’m

just the last recent episodes it’s interesting

but it’s also like uh oh this

could get really bad

bad it could

like it has the potential to

be ending in a way that you’re just like

are you kidding me

there i think this year just seems silly

leaving back and forth in time just

once they hit the nuclear bomb and

went back in time i was like what is happening what’s

going on shut up

you can’t just nuclear jump back and forth

through time you know stop it just stop it i need more

i need more from you than that

i need a little

more than you blow off a nuclear weapon and we go

back in time

right that’s so

stupid yeah come on

yeah it’s just it’s too dumb

and then where are we now we’re in 1977 what do we do

no you would be shitting your

pants going fuck we’re

stuck in 77

no internets

you know your refrigerator sucked back then

nothing was good then

cars were all shitty

the brakes were

it barely stopped for anything

dude it sucked back then

everything sucked

it would suck if you had to live back at seventy

seven fuck that fuck that it

would suck to

any bean bag

wow yeah yeah they

would shoot you if they saw weed on you

weed was totally

legal back then

i have not seen michael rupert’s

film collapse

but i heard it’s

really good that guy scares the shit out of me netflix

i had watch it

he’s one of

those end of the

world dudes is collapse on netflix sure is

that let’s find out

right thought it was only out in the movies

or something

i don’t know find out google that shit’s fun collapse

it’s probably some fucking 9 11 shit isn’t it

michael rupert

shit is i think it’s all out about peak oil

and he’s the guy that exposed the cia

for selling drugs and movies theater so okay

okay son 2009

dvd unknown

let’s check out the rest of the

questions we have here on the message board

cause there’s a

bunch of them up here

um like i said we

we had to stop

last week because i had a staph infection

i had a little

we should mention our friend outlaw did we talk

about that past

no we didn’t

no yeah our

good friend

outlaw from joe’s message

board has passed and he was a

great guy and we all love him very much and

really cool much

love to his wife

yeah much much love he was a really fun guy

he was a dude that was on my message

board from the beginning really

i can’t remember when he was

never there i mean i don’t remember a time

there was one time where he

he took off for a while

yeah and i called him at home i got his

information from somebody i called him at home and i

found out that his brother had

died recently and he had some some

real serious family issues he was very depressed and

you know i talked to him and

you know he

was it was it was nice to know

that he was okay physically but it was real sad and

and then he came back and

eventually became his old self

again and he was just

one of the funniest posters man dude was so like quick

really witty

and apparently

according to his wife he had always wanted to be a

stand up comedian and that’s

one of the reasons why he liked to hang out on my

board because he got

a chance to like really be an online comedian

you know i mean

that’s like a real

thing now we’ve talked

about this before like

their dudes

and message

boards are like

their comedy stage

you know like

you’re a good example of that

i consider you’ve done

stand up comedy a few times

but i consider

you like an internet comedian because you make

these little

videos that are

funny and you put them up on the internet

well the problem is it’s like

you spend so much time at five

hours you’re

spending a ton of hours

just so you can get

three to five minutes in

front of eight people

i could spend the same amount of time

make a video

that thousands will see

so it’s like why

would i want to do it on

stage when i

could do the same

thing on the internet and get

50 million times more people seeing it

right and then eventually

like i said with the ari

thing if you get enough people to see your show on

the internet you can develop like an in the community

and then you can go do a show show

you know and that’s what the

kind of show that ari really needs to take advantage of

because ari has

a name i mean he’s been opening up for me for years

right thousands of people have seen him because of that

and then he’s been on the jim norton show

down and dirty with jim norton

and he’s got a lot of clips on the

internet and he’s been on opie and anthony with me a

bunch of times he was on the last time when i was there

so he’s got enough

stuff happening that he

should have like a community

so it’s just a matter of like

putting it together that’s

why it’s so much better now that it’s ever been before

you know for comedians

and my message

board is one of the best parts

about it and this dude outlaw

was one of the best parts

about my message

board he was a

great guy he was really funny

and he was just

we got a chance

to hang out with them in real life a few times

once way back in houston way way back in the day

that was how many years ago was that

seven seven years ago

and then again recently last year he came

to dallas and

one or two other times

other than that too

at least one but i can remember one of the saddest

things for me is

going to his facebook pages and his photos

i forgot for christmas last year i think

for christmas i sent him a

photo of me shaving my

chest going ooh

not really shaving my

chest but like a

photo of me

and just as a joke

cause that’s how

our relationship all work

is on the internet

photoshops back and forth

silly photos and stuff

and so like then i went to his facebook and he has

that on his facebook page and i’m like oh that fucking

photo i forgot

about that yeah

that’s one of the cool things

about the message

board is like you know we have like

these online friends

you know they

really are online friends some of them you never meet

some of them they just

exist online and as long as your personality is cool

and you’re friendly and you’re funny

you know you eventually get into the

whole mix there

you know and

that’s what’s encouraged

funniness and

and personality

and and openness and

the the idea you know that

you know you don’t have to fucking get in

fights with everybody talk to online and that if you

do say something to somebody it better be

funny you know you

gonna be a douche

about something

should be really funny

you know and

it’s it’s nice to have something like that and

you know it’s nice

to get a chance to meet cool people that i probably

would never meet in real life like you

or like outlaw you know or like you know

tony z or you know i mean

there’s a lot of people man there’s

a lot of people that we’ve

met online bad

bobby you know

those really cool guys that i look forward to see

when i when i’m in town and i see him it’s fun to hang

with johnny rotten and

jen yeah jane flower and her husband

henry you know

i mean so there’s a

bunch of people that we met that are really cool

you know and

it’s a nice thing

to have cultivated you know and

i’m just happy

that we got a chance to hang out with this guy and

i’m happy that

we were in his life

and that he took pleasure

in hanging out on my message

board and one of the best artists

one of the best artists i know too

and it’s crazy

that he wasn’t making millions from his art

yeah he was a really creative guy just you know

first of all he was in oklahoma and he didn’t

feel like he had a lot of opportunities around him

you know all the time he just didn’t feel like

that many things were

available to him

but he was a

great guy man

sucks really does suck

yeah and he was fairly

young right

he’s 30 my age 35

so i’m kind of paranoid or

scared now i’ve been

eating broccoli a lot lately i’ve been eating radishes

who eats radishes

this guy well

yeah i i’ve been

cleaning up

my diet a lot lately i’ve been eating a lot more

serious shit

it’s important

to take care of your health man and people don’t

appreciate that respect that

it’s so easy to eat shitty it

tastes good

you know it

tastes good to eat fucking cheeseburgers with shit

sauce and we always give ari a hard time

about it and

he’s dude did you see the

photo he tweeted

when you guys were in

north carolina

of the barbecue

of no of his

what he ate that night

no it was like

potato chips

m amp ms beef jerky ho hos

like look at the

photo it’s on his twitter backslash ari shafir

he does put away some junk food

dude it was like all right that

right there is like

nipple cancer you know he killed

charlotte he had a really good

set in trial yeah

blow it up he was really good cool it was really funny

he was in new york

going up a lot in new york yeah yeah

new york’s pretty cool but

never to live

there i was

thinking about living there i was thinking

about making a move that’s

crazy people

maybe it’d be good for him you know

maybe to do something totally different mix it up

you know that’s a

crazy that i’ve

never experienced in my life

i get to be in a head

different head

space i used to like it i like it when

i go back there a little bit but

part of it is just i know people there

and i like it for a quick jolt

get in there and get out of there

i love going on opi and anthony i love meeting my old

pool playing

friends i’d be an alcoholic immediately living here

it seems like that’s

the only thing to do and plus

when we came

about off the

plane in california

after there

just seeing nature seeing

grassy fields and

trees i’m like

oh my god i didn’t see any of that when i was in new

york well this is the perfect time to be driving around

california it’s

beautiful yeah

everything’s green

i don’t care

if it sounds gay

but when i’m getting the mail and it

smells like roses you’re just like wow

this is so much better than shit

yeah there’s something to be said

definitely for that and there’s

definitely something

to be said that it’s not natural to live

stack 70 people on

top of each other

they’ve done like those

population density studies with rats

and they found that if they

have a certain amount of rats in a box everyone’s cool

but the more

rats you add to the box the more fucked up behavior

starts manifesting

itself it starts up

a lot of them become

neurotic they start like

tweaking and

some of them

like become nutty and they sit by themselves and

shake right like

they develop all this nutty

sensory overload

shit because there’s too many rats that

start attacking each

other and getting violent

it gets bad

man and that’s what happens with fucking people

when i was in

north carolina last week man ooh

a couple days ago i

love north carolina

you could smell it man it was nice

everybody was cool

spread out too

yeah you go to restaurants

how you doing how you doing can we help y’all

would you like something to drink

like everyone’s like kind

let’s move there and hang out with

cliffy b no

right he lives in raleigh

that’s even more

i would just need a

plate well you know raleigh

i could fucking do

stand up there

i can always do

stand up with charlie goode nice

you know yeah

that’s a good club easily

take over child good nights

week yeah anything that

would suck is it hurricanes

oh fuck and

that sucks hard dude yeah one of the waitresses

at the place we

ate this cool barbecue place

and the waitress

said to us that

a hurricane came and

picked up her neighbor’s

house and dropped it in a pond

with them in it

they were in

their fucking

house it picked is

not a mobile

house a house

picked their

house up and fucking flew it like

30 yards down

the road into a pond you know i totally forgot

about storms

i just hate being around tornadoes and storms

fucking weather living in ohio

has raped me of

like i’m scared of fucking

lightning now because i’ve

just been through so much fucking crap you know what

the move is i

think the move is a

smaller town in

california i

think san diego or

santa barbara

san diego is not bad but san

diego is so close to

santa barbara

that’s not a bad one

santa barbara is a good call

that’s a good call because it’s still like

they have good restaurants

great zoo university up

there so yeah

there’s a university

up there so that people could that’s

a good jail i love that jail it’s awesome look how

clean right

the there’s a

university up there a couple i

think there’s more than one

right right

yeah and then there’s wine

there’s good

jiu jitsu up there

there’s no comedy

club up there but you can do so make your own yeah

fucking campfire joe

campfire this

point i’m really seriously thinking

about getting some a regular gig somewhere

just have a campfire

a campfire in a winery

tickets are

twenty five dollars

you are just you know

doing a gig like in

vegas like every week

that’s the only

time she could do it

every week because new people come in every week

you know there’s always people coming in but yeah

vegas is just so bad for you

it’s so bad for you

it’s not good to stay there

vegas is like it’s like smoking cigarettes

it’s like you can get away with it for a long time

but eventually it’s

gonna get you

you know or you

could not do it and

then you get hit by a bus tomorrow and you’re like i

should have done it

oh i don’t know

i don’t think i’d ever say i

should have

moved to vegas

but i think

doing a gig in

vegas even if i did it i

still wouldn’t live there

right i would fly in and you know do it on the weekends

i wouldn’t be able to do like one of those five

night a week gigs

i can’t do five

nights a week i’ll lose my marbles for sure

right you know five

nights a week

dude i’m not

gonna be funny

you know comedy

a lot of it is

based on enthusiasm

and i think if i did every

night i had to do five

nights a week

i don’t think i

would be as enthusiastic

i like little days off sometimes and a weekend off here

and it gets the

juices all fired up and that’s the

best way to try to create new material too you can’t

create new material if you’re always

doing long headline sets all the time i

think the better way to do it is to just

really sit down try to

break out some

new ideas then just go up and try them on

their own you know

and so i used to introduce them to bits but sometimes

you know introduce

them like in the middle of bits and i

still do that sometimes but i think

maybe the best way to do it is just go on stage like

some crappy open mic night

or something like that you know

you gotta make sure there’s some

i was i think i’m

gonna do that at the improv

i’m gonna do

the ideas a new shit show

do a show real

cheap so that the club gets something like five

bucks or something like that and then

just work on all new material

you know not even have an opening act nothing

you know just me go up

enough like an hour and a half or something like that

you know i’m

thinking about doing that i

think that’s

that might be

a good move i want to try all sorts of different

stuff to come up with new material you know

i mean you can only

get an isolation

tank so many

times you only look online so many times i want to

canoe i miss

canoeing like

crazy you ever get really

stone and go canoeing

no it is the best man

we’re just going

through nature in this in this boat

and once in a

while gets crazy

right oh we’re

gonna die no then you’re back to peace

it is so fun i’m not into

like putting myself into that oh my god you’re almost

gonna die no no

no but canoeing is like

i mean it just gets a little

rapidy like you’re like this

but it’s not like

real fools and

stuff people died

there was a reality show that they were filming for

but no no you could

stand in it

it’s like this it’s like this a team it’s not like

this girl was

yeah she was

white she was

whitewater canal

and it went

under and she

should have been okay but she hit her head

and her head somehow another got wedged

between two rocks and she got

stuck so she went out and got

stuck under

and they had to go

under and pull her out that’s

crazy canoeing man the

canoeing i did i’ve been going

since i was a kid and

it’s like it’s for

babies but it’s so just

peaceful and fun and you’re

like people like stop and why

wouldn’t i go

on like a lake

you know yeah oh yeah

lake too i just thought

it would be cool yeah

i just i’m not down with like letting

the boat go into rocks and shit and try to

avoid those go go left left left no

you don’t like that at all

i don’t have any desire to put myself in a situation

where i’m trying not to have the fucking

canoe tip over

you just don’t like

this you don’t like the hickey water

no you know another

thing it would

freak me out is that’s how

that vbs tv show

about the arctic

remember there was that one dude

i think his name is hindmo

and he lives

in alaska and

northeast alaska

their daughter

fell off the boat when

she was two

years old they were living up there in the fucking

the yukon whatever

the hell it is up there what is it called up there

north and arctic whatever the fuck it is i mean

these weight in the arctic circle whatever

he’s way the fuck up there deep deep deep into alaska

and his they were on a

river with a

canoe and the fucking

canoe tipped over and their

daughter was two years old and she drowned

and all they ever

found was her little boot

and that killed me that

story killed me

and every year they go to this site

like near where it happened and they

plant flowers

that wasn’t flowers they had

like ribbons

because there’s no flowers up there

and it was sad as fuck man

watching them cry

and they had two

grown daughters like they

added to two

daughters afterwards

but it still

crushed them

thinking about

their two year old that

drowned in their canoe

fuck a canoe

no no no no

no not interested

not interested in putting my life at risk

for some fucking natural

river ride thrill

not interesting no

mean i understand that this

might be a thrill

but my my logic

will not let me get past the

risk to benefit

ratio i look at it and i get

angry at myself even thinking

about trying it

just seems like it’s dumb

you know yeah

so good luck on your boat faggot


2012 tour with stanhope is

last time stanhope and i talked

he wanted to do it and i want to do it

i think that would be awesome

have an end of the world show

and then the real end of the

world would be that the world wouldn’t end

ever ever read book behold a pale

horse yeah i

think it’s not that you think it’s a great conspiracy

book death rock dance

i i thought it was a bad book i thought that guy

sounds like he’s a nut

sounds like either he’s crazy or

he’s like a disinformation guy and

there are people without a

doubt who are paid

to say things that seem like nonsense

and say those nonsense things

along with things that do make

sense and are true and real and

thereby the

nonsense discredits the real information so you know

if someone says like did you know that you know

the government did this in 1970

and then you can go oh really

where’d you read that

well i read it from william cooper’s book

is that the guy that believes there’s

alien bases on the moon that are

watching us and that there’s information that they have

given us to

come on man

that guy sounds like a loon

he sounds fucking

crazy he’s a guy that

also said that the driver is the one who killed kennedy

he believes that the driver

the driver turn around shot kennedy

and he could

clearly see it as a pruder film

like he’s nuts

he says shit that’s so nutty

i have to believe

there’s one or two options either he’s

completely out

of his fucking mind and people just believed him

or he’s a plant

he’s a guy that

they hired to distribute disinformation to make

things and theories appear

ridiculous it’s very possible that he’s that there’s

definitely people that do that

there’s people that have

admitted that the government hires people to blog

hires people to

go online and post on message

boards and debate issues

you know anytime anything specific

comes up you know they have guys that they’ll send

on that issue if they believe that this is

you know causing dissent and some sort of a

you know meme of consciousness that they can avoid

you know they’ll attack it they’ll try to discredit

things you know this is

means pretty

standard i mean they

would have to do that

they’ve got to realize how big the internet is

you have that fucking hard drive

noise my computers

yeah flash players of

power yeah safari

fuck you they want me to

send in a report you know your shit sucks faggot did it

start recording

flashplayer just died

well it quit on

safari bro it didn’t quit on firefox

so far i can suck it

oh so far i can see yeah

flash yeah flash

do you see html 50

somebody they made it into quake 2

you can play

quake 2 in your browser

60 frames per

second just

going to a website

this guy’s hilarious

the government is i wonder if you’re telling the

truth let me

start shaking my keys

every time i talk to you

shaking your keys

why does that help yeah

my friend i have to do that

cause like they

their mind wander so

shake my keys

i was just listening to this guys bro the government

is only out to protect itself from the rest of us

i wonder if he’s being serious

some people really

think like that

the government

has to do that

otherwise people overthrow the government

it’s just the

whole idea is you’re not supposed to say this but the

whole idea that everybody

should have a say

and how the

world works is ridiculous

there’s just too many

dummies out there

and there’s no way to stop that

you know we have kind of bypassed nature

and the strong

it’s not only

strong survive anymore it’s everybody survives

you know it’s like no matter what we try to keep you

going you know you

could be the dumbest

motherfucker ever and we try to keep you going

that didn’t always used to be the case and i

think because it is the case you know

it’s just way too many dummies

a regular democracy just isn’t

going to work

i think that’s one of the reasons why the government is

completely full of

shit and why there’s just such a cash grab at the top

and why you know why they

still push war and why they

still because they know

they know that there’s no way

there’s no way this fucking

system is supposed to be working

you can’t you can’t have a regular real democracy

people are too dumb

you know the

sarah palin

thing proves all that

you know look how many people are into that

check that’s

amazing you

would think that in

a society in 2010

that someone who

literally doesn’t read at all like you

would find out

about that you’d be like get that

crazy bitch out of here

she can’t be president

but no people love it they love her more than ever

what i agree

i’ve hit the wall with like

starting to go cross eyed dude

so weak you need to take vitamins man

it’s a lot a lot of time no but you can’t

just say that we’re not even hit the two hour mark

these people are listening to us and they’re

bored now huh

you should be over

listening people download this shit on ipod

i’m tired talking

i’m tired it’s

not that big

idea why you to make it we

have the longest podcast in the history of the internet

no you know that that’s not just true

no yes go like somebody must have had a longer

woman never

that’s ridiculous

never okay you’re being

silly just kidding

there’s some guy talking about 9 11 its podcast

is nine hours long

does it every day

yeah we will not be suppressed

do you see that interview with alex jones

on something the other cnn yeah yeah what was it like

somebody said it right

that 98 of time he’s 99 right right you

know that’s a

that’s really

i don’t know i

might have paraphrased and made it much better

i’m gonna use that now that but that’s i

think that’s really what it is a certain

point in time

you know you got

to listen to some of the shit that he says he’s writing

about a lot of shit

he’s just so

crazy it’s hard to take him seriously

you know everybody’s like it’s alex

jones up this information agent

i hope not cause i

think he’s my friend

if it turns out he’s just a different information

agent he’s been

fucking with me the

whole time that’s

ridiculous you

should have

definitely been

friends with me instead of the government you dummy

if that’s the case

i’m way more fun to hang out with in the government

you know if you’re

gonna make money off the government he

doesn’t he’s an

entertaining orator

you know he’s an


speaker i enjoy listening to him talk

he gets fucking

crazy about shit

and some of his

videos are pretty goddamn jam up

some of his

videos are pretty goddamn good

have you ever

watched nine one one the road to conspiracy or

the road to

what was it called i’ve

watched them but roading conspiracy

is what it should be called

i’ve watched it to me but you know there’s a

point there comes to a

point you can’t believe anybody

cause you weren’t there and you

could believe this side or that

so to me i just become you know what

avoids each

other i don’t give a fuck

well my concern

wasn’t even the 911

stuff it was the

stuff on the

world trade organization

it was the stuff on

these people that were paid to

disrupt peaceful protests

they would hire cops to go in and

dress up as

people with ski masks on

start smashing cars and shit

and he documents it all and really

fucking exposes the shit out of it

and apparently it’s a common tactic

that’s why you

know whenever there’s a demonstration anywhere

that’s ever anything important ever with involving

world leaders

there’s there always a violence in

these demonstrations

even if the people that are into this idea are

completely non violent

you know even if it’s buddhists

you know against you know

fucking something that you know that’s happening in

china and they

all only buddhists show up and protest real buddhists

still someone will be

smashing windows

and some shit will happen will they have to

bring in cops

and the reason why is

cause they do that they do that

to make a non violent

protest a violent one

so they can

break it up

i mean that’s real shit

the government’s been doing that forever that is

so fucking corrupt

so wrong on so many levels

and yet you

never even hear

about it they

throw people in jail left and

right for not paying

their taxes

when was the last time anybody got thrown in jail

for being a provocateur

you know what was the last time that you got thrown

in jail for being you know a professional anarchist

you know for being someone who gets hired to go up and

cause chaos and

create drama so they can have an excuse

that shit should be

that’s like fucking treason

that really is that’s like

that’s like slavery

like you’re

you are faking shit and fucking shit up and people are

gonna get locked in a cage because of you

because of what you did you’ve

taken away their freedom

even temporarily some of them are actually

gonna go to jail for long periods of time

because you’re

gonna create

trumped up charges of violence on them

because of some shit that you guys caused

that’s that’s

tyranny that’s that really is treason

that’s that’s a person who

should not be allowed to be an american

you know you are you are corrupting

everything that’s

great about

what america’s supposed to

stand for you fucking cunt

right meow he’s done

done folks i’m

gonna answer

a couple more questions because we can’t end like

that this fucking

low blood sugar faggot i’m

gonna get him a plum

i do i probably am low

blood sugar

i know you’re low

blood sugar

you got an issue son

we need to get you some supplements

i know dude

what i have nothing anymore you don’t understand

i don’t even have pots

and pans anymore i recently had a roommate move out

and your roommate took

everything everything

was it all your

stuff well like

most of the big

stuff is mine but when you realize oh

no pots and pans oh no dish soap

oh no toilet

paper oh no oh it’s gotta

start from scratch

yeah and you don’t even know what you’re missing though

you know it’s crazy

wow very crazy

yeah that’s always a

weird thing man when you live with somebody

for three years

and then you

break up and

then they move out and you’re like wow now what yeah

fucking now what

yeah gets strange you know it gets really

weird how you become so comfortable with

living with somebody you

well not only that you

get so accustomed to having that person in your life

we addict to each

other you know

that’s why people get so terrified when people want to

break up right you

know people get terrified they’re like

i’m addicted to you and my life will be hell

if you leave

you know and that’s really what it’s like

sometimes you know sometimes people

obsess on relationships for long periods of time but

god so so much more often

when the relationship is over you feel so much better

once it levels out dude

like what the hell is

going on i want to fucking go

canoeing and then

maybe roller skating

or something well you were involved in a situation

where i mean i don’t know how much you want to talk

about it but you were involved in a situation

where you felt like

the person he

wasn’t very happy

oh yeah totally

and you’re a pretty easygoing

kind of silly guy

it’s also there’s a problem

too in having

a relationship

with someone sometimes who’s really struggling

and you’re not

like you don’t have to get up at a specific time

every day well

that seems like that’s the problem with

my whole life now because now

most people have nine to five jobs

and it’s really hard to

think that like

oh this person didn’t well a nine to five that you

enjoy is not that bad you know

those people are usually

fairly fun right you know or at

least fairly

happy but a nine to five that you hate

that’s hard

that’s hard

sauce man that’s hard

sauce to solve

it gets to a

point where

you know like

too much of a percentage of your day is

pushed into the negative zone

and you start

dragging that negativity it’s

not like you just shut it off at the end of the day

and all of a

sudden be super positive

like you’re kind of beaten down by a boring ass day

and at the end

of the week you get this paycheck and it’s like 300

you like what yeah 300

and they take the

taxes out and that’s what you got left yeah

you gave us your

whole week and we give you 300

and you don’t

like it you know and you’re uncomfortable physically

you know it’s like

there’s so many issues that people have to go through

it’s it’s fucking hard man

but i don’t

think there’s any

other solution

you know i mean

this everyone

can’t really figure it out

and find some job that they

truly love there’s

going to be

people that are in jobs that they don’t like

because if they’re not there’s

i mean we need to keep this fucking society rolling

and you know and there’s a lot of shit that you don’t

wanna do there’s a lot of shit that i don’t

wanna do it’s

gonna have to get done if we

wanna have a society like this

unless we develop

robots i mean is that the future where

robots do all the jobs that suck

and then the only people that are left are what

the creators the people that create things

what the fuck becomes of it

craftsmen artist creatives doctors

engineers scientists

people that create new computers and fix the

stuff that we have


and then what else

then you don’t need burger king workers anymore

you know i mean that’s

gonna get to a

point but that’s

gonna be the case

you know you

don’t need anybody to do anything that sucks

what’s the deal with the longest census

survey that they’re making you

fill out like they make you fill it out yeah it says

it says it’s the law

yeah is there is it like not doing your

taxes kind of law or i don’t know man

until they can

count mexicans they

could suck my dick

you don’t know how many people are here you’re not

gonna tell me that through your little pieces of

paper you got it all figured out that’s nonsense

there’s so many mexicans here that have

snuck across the border

and until you can

count them why

are we playing games why are we pretending

that you know so i can wipe my ass with the census

shit i just

think it’s silly

you give me permission

i’m not telling you what to do

you’re a grown ass man

you’re a grown ass man you

gotta do what you

wanna do i keep on looking at

him like oh

it’s like why do i have to

do it i don’t

i don’t feel like i need to do it and i also

i don’t feel like i want to participate in anything


you know i mean you got to

come up with a better way to

count people

right you know

i don’t know i don’t i don’t want to be a part of it

and i don’t

think it’s helping

things i think

until you start concentrating

on why the fuck are we in iraq and afghanistan

until we address that i’m not

gonna address how many people there are stop it

stupid stop

embarrassing yourself stop embarrassing yourself

you fucking government

you’re ruining

everything you cocksuckers

all right a couple

more questions then we’ll just get the fuck out of here

ladies and gentlemen

cause this has been almost two

hours as of right now


there’s a lot of

weird questions here you strange motherfuckers

impossible to try to keep up with the feed on the

you stream you bitches are very prolific

but i’ll check out twitter real quick

how do we pick the questions topics for you

stream we just

start talking

unfortunately yeah

pick it a little bit better

we’ll just start talking

i mean we’ve always got something that zero really well

i pretty much just came over here

and we did coffee yeah

we smoked a little pot and then we

started the party

yeah he came over here i was eating lunch

he got in the

door i said you want some coffee he said yeah

we brewed some coffee

fired up a bong or a pipe

that’s pretty much it and that’s it

that’s it that was our

we do that was our setup

yeah and if we had like a real producer we

could take this shit

worldwide i’m

gonna do a weekly serious show

they’re just trying

to figure out when’s the best time for me to do it

and it’ll be like one day a week for six weeks i’m

gonna do it it’ll be on

probably on raw dog

and if it goes well

and if they like it

i’ll consider doing it every week

and keep doing that

i just want to do more shit like this my only

thing i’m gonna say to them is i

just want to be able to put it out as a podcast as well

and if that’s possible then i’ll do it yeah

very good money yeah and well

this is a real podcast to me people i get all these

emails from people sell me they listen on the subway

and that they you know they listen

while they’re working

thank you very much

yeah if you’re listening

this is from a webcam show this is just the wall

audio this is

so we’ve done no engineering

but you know what

i don’t think that’s important i

think what’s important is

the things i like most when

i listen to like opie and anthony or bubba the love

sponge or anything like that

it’s like when they’re in the middle of a conversation

and it’s an interesting conversation and i enjoy

the point of views and

the arguments and the disagreements and you know the

revelations that

these guys have

i like shows like that that’s what i

wanna hear i don’t really care if it’s produced well

that’s all nonsense to me i just

wanna i just

wanna listen to people be honest

and i wanna see if i

think the way they

think or if i can

learn something from the way they think

you know and

i’m gonna try to do that so we’re

gonna do that

and i’m right

about to do a deal to

it’s not been totally

finalized but almost real close

where i’m gonna

write a book so i’m in the middle doing that too i’m

gonna get that shit

cranking i’ve been writing for a

while but now it’s like

the deals like actually

finalized and i have it’s

taken a forum so

it’s gonna be difficult and i’m

gonna try to

update my website with more like little quick

videos and shit

because it’ll be harder to just keep writing

things over and over and over again

so the next show i’ve got is this weekend i’m doing the

kevin beans

kevin and beans

april foolishness at the universal

it’s like universal amphitheater or some shit like

that so what it is

did it last year was awesome

those guys are

great they’re awesome

there’s a lot of

funny comics on but

i believe the shit sold out son

and i’m headlining it so

which is always interesting

people get tired

and also there’s a lot of

topics are to get

covered off to

bring up price

change topics

so um that’s it for this week’s podcast

um thank you very much all the people came to see

me in new york last week i had a fucking hell of a time

thank you very much i was that was i was so happy

i had been back to new york in

two years i

switched it up went to gotham this time i usually do

caroline’s but

i did gotham and gotham was fucking awesome i

loved it i had a

great time there

i love this it got a big ass stage

the crowd was

great it was

the staff was great

and then i did

amos to southend

in south carolina

and north carolina rather and had a

great fucking

time there and charlotte that was awesome too so

thank you everybody

they came out to the new york shows and

thank you to everybody came out to the charlotte show

and that’s it when this is the annual we’re

gonna do another one of

these probably more like tuesday

cause i gotta go to abu dhabi next week

so we’ll see you guys tuesday

thank you very much for everything

thanks for continuing to tune in

and i love you bitches thanks

i did some gang signs

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