bam ladies and gentlemen day 27

so it is right

yeah week twenty seven or podcast twenty

seven right we did two in a week once yeah

that was a crazy week

ladies and gentlemen welcome once again to the

weekly you stream podcast

really it’s been fucking weekly man actually it’s

twenty nine we’re way

we’re way late

podcast twenty nine

it’s amazing that we kept kept with it for this long

yeah and it’s also amazing that i

never did anything like this before

it is you know

it takes me so long

to get into a

groove with anything it took me so long to accept like

email lists and myspace and all that shit

like for the

longest time i was like i don’t want to get involved in

promoting myself fuck that

you know fuck

advertising shows just get on the

radio and just do it like normal

but then you see all these

other dudes that are doing it that way and they’re

doing so well with it what happened to your shit i

think myspace is the

first one that actually went crazy

that made you realize the

power of the internet like flashlight

well the myspace days that was the comedy

store days and we were using the

when we were

using the myspace

fucking comic

store were sold out like

every weekend

and it was just because of myspace

which didn’t

you know before then man you

could never have like

they would have to

drive by and

just know that you’re there because of the billboard or

just know that you’re there because of word of mouth

but you know we could

throw it up on myspace it was nothing now

or a schoolyard of

paper boys going

mister mister myspace

myspace is a fucking dinosaur

you know why

cause myspace didn’t adapt

i logged in last night

the first time in i

think like two

months checked

went through

three or four pages of people that were fake

people asking me to talk and

stuff like that

one new person going

hey dude here’s my facebook page add me

yeah every now and then i’ll go

and read a little bit of the fan mail but it’s just not

worth it it’s just that it’s a

graveyard it’s like you know it’s like

going to chernobyl

after the blast

and like talking to people that are

still there like god man get out of here why

are you here

what are you

using myspace for

pat and oswald use myspace

still though

ladies and gentlemen before we get going

our podcast is sponsored by the

flashlight i show it

every week and i don’t know if that’s like

i feel like one of barker’s beauties i’m supposed to be

demonstrating the product but

it’s what it is

is basically a masturbation tool if you

haven’t used it before

we talk about it every week

it’s fucking fantastic

it’s far as

beating off if you beat off and i know you do

it’s way better than just regular beating off

it’s not that much

money how much is the

money does it cost

brian it’s like i don’t know but you get 15

off your if you go on your way you don’t

know how much at all i

think it’s like 69 59

i did your tip though

this week and it’s kind of of course a

crazy thing happened

every time i do anything with a flashlight some crazy

warm water thing no i put it outside and

they let it heat up

of course my landlords

often go out in the back to smoke

and because they work

above me and

and they see this rubber

pussy out in the sun they saw it out in the sun

oh my god because

when i went to pick it up they were sitting out there

this if you go to the

flashlight says this website contains explicit

adult material

what how crazy

is it that you go to a website that has rubber pussies

and they have this

crazy fucking warning you’re

about to see explicit

adult material

i mean do they have porn on their site

okay they have a guy and a girl

not even nudity

those girls have clothes on

there’s a guy

and a girl in bed but the girl had a bra and panties on

and if you’re looking at all these

flashlights man it’s like

okay yeah it’s rubber body part

is that really

like something you need to have a little warning to

click through

you know those sites

where you see violence

you know you don’t see shit

like that yeah why can you just walk into a hustler

store without them stopping and telling you the same

thing so a lot of hustler

stores out there in the

world is there

and there’s stories just like it

like porn stores that is one of

those weird

things when we go on the road

and we see these

fucking towns like you know like

if you go to like

what’s a good example of one that had a

bunch of them

youngstown ohio

i was doing chosen

youngstown ohio and it’s like there’s a

bunch of those

little sad 24 hour neon lit

adult shops and

that’s just that’s just people that’s just like

reluctant body maintenance

like poor sad fucks and those

places just wandering around looking depressed

pushing those beads

apart it’s like

why do they have to use beads beads make fucking

noise right

when you push

those beads

apart and they

click and you go back into the

dirty dirty area

see all the

cock sucking

videos and shit

i used to work at a video

store that had an

adult room and it was open

24 hours a day

and it was kind of cool because

you’d walk you know somebody be walking up like a hot

chick and you’re like please let them go in the

adult room you

know of course they just walk up and goes

you know words

to designing women

season two you know or something

but adult room

the craziest

thing happened is

an old teacher of mine

first grade

teacher went in there a

woman and got

porn and i could only hope it was for like a

party you saw her yes

i waited on

her she probably didn’t recognize me because

i was like 20

and she was like

you know older lady so this is your

first grade

teacher yeah

first grade

teacher wow

so first grade is what seven six

what is that

six i don’t know

something like that

and because i rang

her up i also saw her last name was like miss ba ba ba

and i’m like oh that’s totally her

anyway she got the

that’s when i

found out that

sylvester stallone did a porn called

the italian

stallion and that’s what she had got

and so i don’t

think it was real porn though

i think it was one of

those like showtime

three o’clock

in the morning porns

right so i think that i

thought like oh this is for a gag this for a

party i accept this

but see i could also see her

whole history

and it was like

big black dick five you

know it was like

really only rented porn

wow sixty eight

seventy maybe she

was seventy

that bitch is a

freak that’s

crazy just keeping it

alive huh yeah

woo so you don’t

think that italian

stallion was a real porn i don’t know

i never watched

it talking out of my ass but i’m pretty sure it wasn’t

i’m pretty sure it was like some fake

three o’clock

in the morning shit we had it the porn side

i saw a chick

that i used to date in one of

those fake three o’clock in the morning porns

where a dude was fake boning her

it’s like to do just a little too low

right like she

was like a pie a little too high and who you know it’s

like you tell her they’re growing is it really touching

right one of

those you know

i know it was really freaky

i was by myself and i’ll slip through the channels

and it’s like whoa here’s

here’s a person that you know

i hadn’t seen her

he is a long time ago

so it’s like

i dated her over you know

twelve years ago thirteen fourteen years ago even

so seeing her it was like wow

this is kind of strange like i’m

watching someone

that i used to know and then they’re fucking in a

movie even though it’s not real

you know what do you

think it’s like if you like your high school

sweetheart turns into like

sasha gray or something like that i

could tell you

what it’s like i know what it’s like it fucking it’s

weird man i don’t even like

thinking about it

no no no you don’t know what

it’s like because in your situation the person that

if any person we’re talking

about is an actual real person right

these are people that

you met when you knew that they already did that thing

right it’s big

thing to have a girl

have it be your girlfriend

this is my girl

i check and then there’s some fucking brute just

doggy styling her yeah and

sweating and spitting on her and shit oh you fucking

bitch you like that you like whoa

that guy’s fucking the shit out of my ex

girlfriend yeah

that’s why especially real porn yeah

i’ve never found like

old porn of like a girl i’ve

dated have you ever done that like you’re

going through

like their old

photos and they

go i’m not a

snoopy motherfucker no

no i mean like around with them

i mean have

you ever done that like we’re like like they’re

going through

photos like oh this is my

old boyfriend oh don’t you don’t want to see this photo

and like no but i do always

get sad when girls try to make me jealous

like using i’ve always been sad like my

whole life i

always thought that was like one of the weakest

things ever

when someone

you can tell the only reason why they’re

bringing this up or

they’re talking

about their ex is to try to fuck with your head

like it never works

all that it makes you

feel uncomfortable but the uncomfort that i feel is oh

you’re not as cool as i thought you were

and yeah now

you’re creepy and you’re trying to fuck with me and

okay can i talk you out of this can

i tell you that this is not necessary and we’re just

you know two people that

are enjoying each

other’s company getting to know each

other you know we don’t have to play any

stupid games that we’ve already played in the past we

should all learn right

right i played some

stupid games when i was a little kid

you know i had to

learn that they’re dumb

so when someone

doesn’t know that games like that

are dumb like jealousy games from like fucking really

you know come on man

what am i fucking child

cut the shit

so another guy fucked you you that’s

crazy get out of here

i couldn’t i can’t believe it

you’re hot and you’re

twenty six and another guy’s fucked you already

jesus christ

was this recent was this with

that bitch is probably sucking somebody’s dick

an hour before she picked you up

you know she’s fucking crazy

it makes me wonder if that shit ever goes away cause it

doesn’t seem like it is like

does my mom get in a

fight with her boyfriend and just do

stupid shit like that

it goes away for sure it goes away

when with maturity

everything evolves

it’s the problem is when people get

they go from one shit

relationship to the next shit relationship and they

never get traction

as a human being

never get traction and

never realize

and if you have shit friends on top of that

which a lot of girls do man

especially pretty girls a lot of pretty girls

their friends be hating

you know it’s

tough man because for them it’s like

if you’re out with a pretty girl if you’re a girl

and you’re out with a pretty girl no one is

gonna pay attention to you everyone’s

gonna pay attention

to her and she didn’t even do anything to deserve this

she was just born this way

and you’re so much funnier

and so much cooler and you’d be so much better

girlfriend and you you will get

crazy for that

bitch and you’ll

try to trip her up you’ll want her to fail

your hope she falls and

breaks her fucking nose you know

like literally like you’re

tired she’s

stealing from you

she’s stealing male attention from you

you know that’s how a lot of

chicks feel

about hot chicks man

they don’t like it so

anything like that man if that if that’s your situation

if you’re around people like that they’re douchey to

you and you around ex boyfriends who are douchey to you

you just you can get into a bad

grind where you just automatically get douchey

first cause you

think they’re

gonna get douchey

first and you

wanna get the upper hand

you know you ever get in those

relationships

where you could

tell that someone’s fucking with you just to get the

upper hand and oh yeah

expecting more

oh it’s so annoying what

worse is when you go with it

just to see

where it goes

the worst for me is if i get involved in it and i

haven’t been working out

especially when i was younger

dude when i was younger i did not have

such a good

judgment and i

still don’t sometimes

about when to

argue and when to just go

without fuck am i arguing over

back then i

just argued automatically i’m like you’re not

gonna stop me from arguing fuck you and it

would just turn ugly

every time every time i got an argument with somebody

would turn ugly

but as i got older

you know any kind

of relationship like that when shit comes up now i just

i try very very hard now to just look at it and go

what is the purpose of all this

who gives a shit if you’re right

who gives a shit if you’re

wrong who gives

here’s what i want

i want to be around people that i

enjoy talking to and i know

there can’t really be this many problems that we

fight all the time

if there’s this many problems that we

fight all the time

where is that coming from that’s

gotta be a personality

thing cause i don’t have

that many problems in my life my life’s pretty smooth

most of the people in

my life are very nice

most of the people in my life

we enjoy each

other’s companies

very few this

i mean everybody has like

here and there there’ll be issues with any

human being

where someone

sees something totally differently but you

can talk it through and if you’re really good friends

you work it out and

everything’s cool and nobody ever gets ugly

you know but

the real keyman is finding

other people that go

along with that because as soon as you go with someone

who’s used to douchey shit

and is used to insulting you

and is used

to playing games as soon as you go into that

and dive into that world man

you’re fucked

no progress

yeah no fun

and then it’s so hard to get out of it so hard

and then once you get out of it you’re so sad because

you got out of it you have to get back in it just

cause you felt

so sad for getting out of that well being

alone man when

you just got out of a relationship and then all of a

sudden you’re

alone and lonely

those are the darkest

emptiest most hollow moments as an

adult human being

that feeling is a terrible terrible feeling

most people just aren’t

equipped to

understand rationally what’s really

going on like why are you so

upset how much of this is just

evolutionary

how much is this it’s been designed into the whole

human mechanism

to feel dreadful

every time you’re left

alone to feel terrible

every time you’re rejected

being rejected

by someone you don’t even know is brutally painful

why is that

why would you even care

if it was a dude who didn’t like you

if you had no desire

to fuck that person if you just came up to a dude and

dude was like look at you you’re not even good looking

be like what fuck you faggot

you know you like

you wouldn’t care at all

it wouldn’t change your opinion of yourself at all

but when a chick does it to you it’s like

devastating

oh totally especially if it’s a

chick that you’re attracted to

that’s all but it’s all evolution

it’s all set up that way

to try to get you to be as

attractive as possible

and to make very stringent standards

at what people find and don’t find

attraction attractive

it’s to make you operate at a higher level

i think it’s all just

designed to make you work harder as a

human being to become more

impressive as a mate

and in doing so and in

becoming more

impressive as a mate you get to

contribute more to society you’ll create more energy

you’ll create more money

you’ll create more whatever you do whether you’re in

technology you’ll

innovate more if you’re in

art you produce more art

you want to

prove your worth

and so that that craziness like

allows people to

shine you know

i can’t find that girl though you know

i can’t find that partner was on the same

level as me it seems like they

always act like the same

level but then once you get into it

they were just

like kind of

mimicking what they thought that

level it is that

too but it’s also that

they want you to be something that you’re not it’s you

know they want you to be not even a real person you

know they have this

a lot of people have an idea in

their head that’s really almost kind of

based on movies

you know what was it like before the 1800s

based on movies totally better

yeah everybody but that’s how it is

you see movies and

everything works out fucking awesome in the

movies and you go well that’s

what life is like

right life is like this

this is my model of life

sandra bullock

movies you get

trapped in your head

thinking well

maybe this isn’t

maybe he’s not the one

maybe there is another one

god damn what is this crazy

what about you are you the one

right you’re probably not the one

it might be you

the fucking problem

might be you over and over again

with everybody it’s kind of like the

fight club relationship

where the whole time it actually is you you

know yeah right

well dude i’ve been that guy

i’ve totally been that guy

start arguments and relationships for no reason

just cause i was

frustrated with my own life

especially when i was really

young like i was like 20

when i was like 20 and 21

i would start

stupid arguments with girls i was dating over nothing

but it wasn’t really

them that was the problem

it was really me

it was really me like being

frustrated all the time with my life

trying to like being like

hyper ambitious and trying to like get

ahead in my life but really

terrified that i was

gonna be a loser

so i would you know always be like

under stress and if you

anything annoyed me

about a check i

would like been

like why do you even talk like that

meanwhile that’s

such a douchey

thing to do

to take your frustrations out on someone else

but when you’re doing it

when you’re

wrapped up in it man

especially if

that’s like everyone in your family that’s

everyone you’re friends with

you know that’s

like the only way you know it takes a long time to

learn to not communicate shitty to people

if you’re stuck

in like a shitty communication pattern

fuck that’s hard to snap out of man

it’s very hard

very hard to recognize how

other people are seeing you like so many people don’t

think that they come off as assholes

they think they’re just playing around and everybody’s

like oh this guy’s such a douche get him away from me

so what do you fuck you can’t take a joke

it’s not a joke if i don’t

think it’s funny

you know it’s not a joke if no one else is

laughing but you that’s

not a joke that’s you being a douchebag and laughing

about being a douchebag

what the fuck

brian how do we fix the

world definitely

not alcohol because it seems like more

fake the anti fixture

vegas really

taught me a lot

about alcohol you know like just

just seeing

people in alcohol is just

weird alcohols

it does terrible

things for your judgment i

enjoyed myself so much more saturday

night i had

water drank

water all night we went to that party

smoked a little weed

it was fun you know

the problem with alcohol is everybody else is

drinking too

wind up getting in

stupid conversations over nothing and

we got to hang out with doug benson

and i’ve never

really even talked

to him before you know i’ve seen him a couple times

but hanging out with doug benson

stoned with a couple beers in us

fucking had

dance off with him for what two

hours me him

me and him were dancing i mean

that that’s i

never fucking did he’s a good

dude we really

enjoyed hanging out with him he’s a real good dude

i’ve never really i’ve done his podcast before you

know i’ve seen him like

here and there clubs i talk to him

every now and then but this is the most time i ever

spent with him by far

who went to dinner with him and

talked to him a lot he’s just cool man

really cool guy and

you know i always questioned how much he really

enjoyed pot and i will

never question his

hot likeness

again he fucking

questioned it

that’s so funny the

stoners are always doing that he ain’t legit

yeah you know why

and i’ve totally felt for something that happens to you

every day almost is where

you go up to him like dude come on

smoke weed you want to

smoke a joint

right but i mean it’s also like you know

hanging out with

other comics and stuff

so it’s a little different but

still that happens to me how

often every day

every time we’re out at a club

it seems like

every time everywhere and like you don’t know who

these people

are right like they could have

crazy shit in

their weed dude

like a gyrogan

eye on acid

and i gotta

drive home and you know

double rainbow

what he’s talking

about double rainbow look up double rainbow on youtube

have you seen the

remix yet no i don’t want to see the

remix oh no no i just i saw by

too much i even watch the whole video

i watched like half of the

video and i shut it off i get it i get it he’s

freaking out over rainbows

the remix they did the robot

voice what you know with the

voice and they edit it real

quick kind of like

oh eric tune

and they edit like tim and eric

style that auto

tune shit catch on what the fuck happened i got

t pain on my iphone

do you yeah

do you like that

stuff it’s good

it’s kinda cool just

like singing something that you thought of

and then just

changing the lyrics and next thing you know you

could actually make it into a real song

like even if it’s like you’re going hey dad

that song that

drake song it’s over does he use that shit auto tune

cause i kinda like that song dude i

think everyone uses auto tune

in the pop industry right now

the pop industry like

lindsay lohan should be using pot

the potter to a

lot lindsey’s gonna do some time now huh yeah

and if you don’t know ladies and gentlemen

brian says where’d you read this off of i

watched it live on cbs live

you know they put it on video

i’ve courtroom

she’s gonna do 90 days in jail that is

crazy she has to turn herself in two weeks

unless she suicides but she

still has to wear

the bracelet

so she can’t

drink every

day and they made it like a big deal like we want to

switch to a

blood a blood

thing instead of you know the scram

and the reason why she wants to do that because if you

drink alcohol at midnight

like by 4 a

m it’s not in your

blood anymore

and that’s why lindsay wants to do that

so it’s so funny that

the thing that really got to me was

where the judge like

heard lindsay crying and

stuff and the

judge finally goes

all right you

did lied here you lied here you lied here you lied here

next case you lied here you lied here you

went through like four cases of like

seven i don’t know if locking someone

up in jail is like the best way to deal with this but

this should all be a bright example to people

really a prominent example to

people how you shouldn’t make your fucking kids famous

how many kids

have to become

incredibly fucked up

from being famous

child actors

before we look at it and go

this is nuts there’s no way you

should be doing that to a

child there’s no way you should be

developing as a

human being getting your shit together

getting your ego together is hard enough as it is

but to have that developing and

getting your shit together and then mix it with fame

dude can you imagine like 10 years from now will

smith’s kids

gonna jump on your back and

slice their necks

i know he’s probably just

gonna be sad or who knows man will is a

really brilliant guy

he’s a very

smart guy he

might figure out a way to

raise his kid correctly through this but

what an incredible fucking chore

and what an incredible responsibility and

the amount of pressure you put on the kid because

kids you know

they can get

spoiled so easy

their perspective can get fucked up so

quickly they

haven’t really developed character

and to have a kid really be in a position where he

never really has

to overcome the same adversity that the rest of us have

he just doesn’t have the

opportunity to develop the character that the rest of

us are going to have

the regular

people that have to go through life and make

their way as an adult and

evolve as an

adult and be an

adult without

money where you’re in a situation

where you’re like wow i

gotta figure out a way

to get through this and

to not have any fame whatsoever

you have to get by on your

personality instead of get by on the fact that you’re

famous when you were six i

heard that the first

eight years of your life you learn 88

of what makes you who you are today

the things like

from walking all the way to how you

react to certain

things and the rest

is what you have to deal with

ram almost right

right right

yeah i’ve read some

stuff about it up to two years old

i didn’t read up to

eight but it makes

sense i mean

a lot of who you are as a

human being is

based on what kind of

input you got when

your mind was developing

it only makes

sense your mind is

going to prepare for a certain world

you know they say that

babies born

into really high stress violent families

where there’s a lot of

shouting and yelling and you know too many people like

if you’re in a really

bad neighborhood and you know too many people in your

house there’s a lot of stress all the time

babies born

literally are

wired different than

babies that are born into calm households

babies that are born into calm

households like

the less stress you have

the more chilled out the baby can be

but if you have like a really really

tense mom that kid’s

gonna come out just

ready to snap

that kid’s gonna come out recognizing danger

i had this long talk on a

plane with michael irvin

michael irvin

was on a plane to australia we were all

going to the ufc

he was going there to do some football

things russell crowe

and i had met him because i did best damn

sports show

period and he was

on it and he said real cool guy man and very down to

earth normal dude

and so he and i were talking and we’re just talking

about kids getting involved in martial arts

and kids getting involved in

sports and he was talking

about like what he was like

when he was young

that you know he’s trying to like

teach kids you know

about controlling themselves

teach kids about keeping

their shit together and this was

right after that dude that

i don’t remember the football player but he was chasing

after his girlfriend he jumped in the back of a

truck and he fell out and died

remember that

i don’t remember the guy’s name yeah

he was talking

about that guy that that guy that was not

thinking he was just

reacting like you don’t

think you don’t do shit like that when you’re

thinking but

these guys aren’t

thinking they just

react and he’s trying to

teach them how

to put some steps in there to

consider things

before you act and recognize that there’s a reason why

you’re so quick to behave like that

and that these people

these reckless

type people

are the ones who are always involved in like really

strong competitive athletics like

fighting and football and shit like that

it’s because they’re so much more quick to

react they’re so much more explosive

and a lot of it is just stress based

we do so many

fighters are born from shitty

households so many

yeah i mean it’s not a prerequisite

there’s guys from

strong families that

still are great fighters

because they just accept that you

know they just love the challenge like george st

pierre is a perfect example of that very

close with his dad

but a lot of guys come from fucking broken homes man

and there’s something in that there’s something in that

the fury is just a little more intense

from a dude who grows up without a dad or a dude

who grows up in like a real shitty situation you know

fucking crazy man when you really stop and

think about it

it’s crazy that anybody would want

their kid to be

famous the lindsay lohan

thing this should be the last draw

yeah well there should be some kind of laws

about it definitely but i

think most of the people that have their kids

it’s because they’re broken

dreams and they’re using their kids you know to

do you think that’s it or is just a lack of

awareness their lack of

real real consideration you see nobody

thinks it’s an offensive thing

like you know if you

if you tell them you know all my

daughter’s acting she’s in a commercial they

go oh good for you nobody ever goes wow what are you

doing like why are you putting your kid on tv nobody

nobody ever says that nobody ever says it like whoa

you’re putting you’re

gonna fuck your kid up you’re

gonna get your kid famous

you know what the odds are

if you got your kid

famous what are the odds your kids

gonna grow up and be a mess

it’s like ninety percent

why would you ever i mean yeah there’s a few that get

through it and they’re okay the jodie fosters of the

world that seem to be

adjusted but they’re fucking rare dude

what do you do you making a

what the fuck is that i forgot to his video

it’s making him

yeah he forgot did you really forget

i thought did

he really did

so fucking silly

he made the

lesbian lick the hand thing

yeah i mean what the fuck man

to develop and to

think that you’re special

right from the beginning

i mean lindsay

lohan was famous from

she was one of

those disney hookers

right mm hmm

so many disney hookers there is they

breed them they make

these little hot little hookers

let’s count them off who are the disney hookers

christina aguilera she had disney

well timberlake made it through

timberlake is he cool

he’s got it together dude that dude’s

got it totally down

really yeah that

super successful

right handed guy

well he’s still

super successful too though there’s

never a drop off

way to drop off it’s one of the

top guys he’s a mariah

carey you know whatever

when they drop off that’s when they get nuts

right right

it’s hard to rebound

and people want to see how far you fall and

crash so they kind of support you

dropping right

you know they turn

their energy on wow he’s really failing

you have to hit rock bottom

and then they’ll let you come back up again but

you have to britney spears it

you have to fucking

just ride that boat

right into the rocks now do you

think britney has snapped back or do you

think she has

just a new person that protects her non stop

you know like

i am hired to make sure you don’t fuck up ever

again i think

you don’t fix that kind of crazy

you don’t fix it that shit is not fixable

that’s that’s

crazy to the bones man

just you know no

she’s fucking nuts she’s

they’re not fixing anything

that’s a real simple case to me case closed

they just they’re just handling her

or they marry

brian austin green

what the fuck happened oh what’s her face

megan fox you

think she’s she’s wacky too

well she married

brian austin

green actually i don’t tell young

was she when she got famous

she probably is a really cool

chick if she

married brian austin green

yeah right think

about that that guy’s not even right

he’s not even working anymore

right that’s

probably the coolest chick ever

well either that or

brian austin

green is like a pimp of

he might be a pimp

you know doesn’t she have

his name tattooed on her yeah

i say he’s a pimp dude it

has to be you know you can hate all you want about i’m

not hating i’m

sorry you know anybody can

you know you people out there

you wanna hate

what if that was you

i don’t know

if you’re at the

peach pit which guy

would you choose you know

peach pit the fuck

you always have to take it to some dark dark place

this brian austin

greenfeller isn’t he like a rapper now

doesn’t he rap

does he really yeah does he

i don’t know i didn’t

think he did

i think we need to find out

right now this is the beautiful

this is beautiful what a beautiful time to be alive

and the internet

if you have a question

he just throw that

bitch into google so simple

brian austin

green rapping we are

about to find out

ladies and gentlemen

we don’t have to go to the fucking library

we don’t have to

you know go to a college and meet some experts

oh brian austin

okay that was on tv that wasn’t

no see that’s what i

think it is i

think it’s i

think it’s just

that he had it

was going to his wiki

a moment in rap history as that’s

around the same time his character on 90210

david silver started rapping hmm

among his lyrical stylings

you’re so precious to me am i precious to you

the answer brian is yes

okay that was so pointless

we missed the very beginning of it it was

still pointless i think

we didn’t have his rapping i mean they had some of his

lyrics i think that they’re just saying

that he was a rapper but it was wack but we can’t

play it because then we’ll have to pay him something

oh really you know something like that that was on vh1

well they they were also saying that he’s wack

i mean they

quote his lyrics yeah

that’s pretty wack

that sucks that’s just like

those lyrics were so wack like you don’t even have to

pass a judgment on them you just playing for people and

raise your eyeballs and go hmm

it’s like you ever see that

movie jesus camp

yeah crazy crazy fucking

movie and the best part

about the movie is they didn’t cast any judgment

they just showed you

these nutty

motherfuckers

that are out there raising kids to be christian

jihadists you know

you don’t have to you

don’t have to cast anything and the people are so nutty

that they’ll approve it you

could show them the fucking

video and they

would they would they

would say yeah that’s our that’s our message

you got our message down sir

that’s a good documentary

meanwhile anybody saw that

thing was like a fucking horror movie

taking little kids and

the best part is when they make them talk in tongues

did you see that part

they would say everybody now talking tongues

so the kids would go

it’s like god talking through them in tongues

it’s hilarious they’re five years

old man five years old it’s nonsense they love nonsense

five years old

love to talk nonsense all five year old kids do

so you give them like a time of the day at school

alright kids time to go nonsense

so they just go full fantasy

and they’re talking in this made up language

and it’s obviously not a fucking language

because you’re not saying anything

i can tell when i’m listening

to someone talk even if they have a foreign language

i could tell if it’s a real language

you know you hear someone talking in

chinese like they’re saying a bunch of

crazy shit but

there’s a flow to it

where you know they’re not saying the same

sounds over and over and over and over again

which is what you do because

you have to invent all these

sounds on the fly if you’re making a fake language

like to have them vary to the

point where it looks like it’s like an actual

language that’s difficult

so you start going

which is what they all do they’re all uncreative fucks

and they’re

talking in tongues and they’re just making nonsense

noises that’s all they’re doing man

and they’re getting little kids to do this shit

and they’re telling

these kids that you know

you’re warriors for christ and

this woman was comparing them to how

hamas and all these

terrorist organizations raised little

jihadists she was

literally comparing them

she’s comparing them

like why don’t we do that with christianity like this

would be a good thing

the reason why

these people

wanna blow themselves up is cause

they indoctrinated them into the

world of radical

islam we can do the same

thing but for good

she’s like but we’re good

not seeing the irony

you know in the

brainwashing kids she’s talking

well they’re getting

brainwashed

with the wrong

thing but if we

brainwash our kids with the

truth and jesus and like whoa

joe how to raise kids i had two guys

knock on my door

today that were both my age

dressed up in the white

shirts and the

ties and stuff like that is that a

scientology or a mormon

thing that’s a mormon

right mormons i just i

laugh mormons are some of the nicest

fucking people

i have to tell

you it might be but they’re so nice but

i can’t stop

laughing at them you know it’s like it’s ridiculous

it’s completely

ridiculous the

whole look it’s all

ridiculous though it’s not that

you know being a

muslim isn’t

ridiculous but being a jew is

everything’s ridiculous

being a catholic

is ridiculous being a

protestant is

ridiculous being a baptist

being a buddhist is ridiculous

being in anything is

ridiculous you’re a fucking

human being and if

you attach yourself in your mind to any

ideology you’re

going to be on a road

and that road

may or may not lead you in a good direction

but you’re going

to stay on that fucking road if you’re attached to an

ideology and it

could be a terrible road

it could be a road of

circumcising your

daughter’s clitoris because that’s a fucking tradition

i mean these fucking

crazy bitches in africa that

cut holes in

their lip and stretch them out to put

plates on why is that

because they got on a fucking road and

they stuck with that road

regardless of rational

thinking they didn’t use rational

thinking at all

they had just

adapted a predetermined

pattern of behavior that makes life so much more simple

and that’s what

every fucking religion is

the problem is no one knows

you cannot know

you can have your own beautiful personal

experiences you

could have been the person that was actually

touched by god

but when you

start yelling and ranting that

other people have to follow your lead or the fucking

world’s gonna end and christians are

gonna be taken away

i know you’re full of shit

i know you’re

full of shit and you know you’re full of shit

and the real

problem is that we can’t say it because everybody’s

got this freedom of religion freedom of religion

religious freedom the freedom to express yourself

even if you’re expressing yourself with nonsense

nonsense that helps scared lonely sad people

lock onto that

nonsense so they feel like they’re a part of something

i mean that’s

what it is it preys on people whose lives fucking suck

so it’s all nuts

it’s not like

your shit’s cool and my shit’s not

and it’s not that

you know yoga’s

the answer or fucking mushrooms are the answer

there’s just questions

and until we’re honest

about that we’re

never gonna evolve

the human race is

stuck in a giant quagmire when it comes to our behavior

and our thinking

about our behavior

yeah totally

and i you know

one thing is like they all look like from

the geek squad these are

these mormon guys

like on ten

speeds can you imagine though if they just like

mixed it up and like showed up with like you know hairy

chest and necklaces and like rave

clothes on and sunglasses how

scary that would be if the mormons came to your

house like that they

started rocking it yeah like they pull up

like those yeah pull up in like a

you know what says new chevys

yeah man i don’t i don’t

think the world’s

ready for like a hip

religion yet

there was like some work

they were doing

with rock and roll churches remember that yeah they

still have those

do they have

those yeah that is

still popular

totally popular mine

had starbucks in it

there was a girl

that used to work at fear factor she’s a very nice girl

and she was you

know trying to find her

place and she

started going to

a rock and roll church saying how much i

would really love this rock and roll church

and even though

those guys are

talking about god he’s really all just

about being positive and that’s the

vehicle that he uses

for a lot of people man religion

can give you some inspiration but there comes a certain

point in time

where you have to pop the

training wheels off

and you have to recognize that all this

morality that you’ve developed is good

because it’s good to

treat other people good

it’s good to

treat other people the way you

would like to be

treated yourself it’s like a fucking golden rule

and there’s

a reason for it and that reason is that we’re connected

in some strange way that we don’t totally understand

unless you are good to

other people around you

unless you are kind and friendly

and warm and loving you’re not

gonna fucking

enjoy this life

you’re just not

you’re gonna be problems

everywhere you go you’re

gonna have problems

everywhere you go

you gotta figure out a way to

enjoy this fucking life it’s not because of

jesus it’s not because of

moses it’s not

because of anybody that may or may not have ever

existed it’s

because that’s how you fit in better in the world

that’s how you stay positive

and it doesn’t have to be some shit that was written

5 000 years ago on fucking animal skins that

doesn’t have to be

the golden rule because it’s old you know that’s dumb

we need to figure out like now

today what is

the best way to live your life what is that

there’s gotta be ways you can be putting forward the

most positive energy i mean we know objectively what’s

causing pollution we know objectively what’s causing

birth defects and

we’re taking in too much chemicals and

not enough vitamins we know objectively all this stuff

we know how to

organize our

world and yet we don’t do it we know how to

organize our health and yet very few people do it

we know all

these things

the right path to being

a happy healthy person

is to do all

the shit that we already know you’re supposed to do

take care of your body

take care of your health

take care of your mind your stress

meditate be kind to people we all know that

you ask anybody they know how to get by and to be

the most evolved version of you that you can be i mean

it’s not like a magical

checklist if you talk to people

about it you said okay

you got a person you want to improve them what are the

things you’re

going to do to them

okay well if i was a life

coach the first

thing i would say is

this guy’s got to get on a diet that makes him healthy

i don’t mean a diet just to lose weight i mean just

healthy foods in your body

many many vegetables vegetables

a lot of good good quality protein

a lot of water

stop the sodas

stop the bullshit

start working out your body and get a better

sense of how this machine feels

when it’s moving

it’s flowing

better there’s less tension in it your mind feels like

relaxed and you enjoy

every single moment

of the day better

step one everybody knows that step right

but step two

be cool to people be nice to as many people as you can

smile as many people as you can have them

smile back at you tip well when you go to restaurants

just do the most you can be as nice as you can

and just still

manage to not have people walk all

over you just get through this life as nice as you can

what else do what you

wanna do with your life

right don’t don’t go be doing something you don’t enjoy

don’t do something that’s

don’t get locked into you know

a car that you can’t afford and doing something

crazy because you need the

money don’t don’t do that do what you

wanna do do what the fuck is it that you really

wanna do cause if someone else is doing it

you can do it you know

i mean everybody makes

their own path through this world

but a lot of people don’t follow the

path that they really fucking feel pulled to you know

for whatever reason they got negative programming

you know when they were kids someone told them

they couldn’t do it or told them to take the shortcut

or take the

shore route

that’s a sad

thing man when you talk to dudes

especially like talented dudes and

they don’t follow up with what they want to do you know

you know anybody like that

i don’t know but i was just

thinking to your list that

i think you

should never stop tickling people and i don’t know why

it’s looked down upon

because i enjoy i don’t make

people laugh in

i don’t like

including tickling

forcing them to

laugh i don’t like people tickling

why are you ticklish

yeah ticklish yeah

i think tickle you know do you know

where ticklish

this is an interesting subject do you know

where this comes from

what no it’s an

evolutionary

trait and it’s from

being freaked out instantly and immediately

about spiders and insects

crawling on you

really cause

if you’re sleeping on the ground yeah

cause if you’re

sleeping on the ground

and something’s on you and you fucking move like that

that’s what ticklish is you’re trying to avoid

these instant reactions

to these weird sensitive areas of your body especially

things where

things can crawl

like under your armpits

you touch my armpit i’ll jump through the fucking roof

i fucking but that’s

what it is you know i’m saying it’s like this is all

it’s an evolutionary thing

it did not know that makes sense

course why else

would you have this extreme reaction

on the bottom of your feet

that are stepping on things

not ticklish at all though i mean like

the dopes and

they’re supposed to die because you know i

dated this girl that i even went to

their let you know that

you have your answer

she was willing to date you so you know

that’s a b she’s

ready to be bitten by a spider

right i always

go for the butthole as the last move though like

if you’re not ticklish you’re ticklish in the butthole

then wow i usually gets them

you ever watch a porno

where a girl’s

got a rubber butthole and you’re like this is

ridiculous how is this

chuck taking this the ass

it’s getting

pound in the ass yeah

how do they do that i don’t know

you seen the belladonna one

yeah dude she’s

crazy and so it’s talked

about them the podcast before

where we we looked it up and then we

found out there was like

we looked up

baseball bat porn

because we thought it

would only be the one belladonna

video no there’s like a

bunch of videos of

chicks with bats up

their ass i

think it’s once a girl puts a bat up her ass

then the other poor guys

they come to the

other chicks and go see look she’s willing to do it

what you don’t want to do it you don’t want to

work you just can add it to your resume that’s an extra

job that you

would get that you

wouldn’t have got before

you know to dark road son

that’s kind of

weird i would like to see like the resumes of some of

these girls like we’ll do baseball bats we’ll

eat donkey ass here’s a fucking

funny story there was a dude that was

friends with

a friend of mine i didn’t know the guy that well

but he was dating a porno star and he was

trying to be cool with it because he didn’t have any

money and she was

paying the bills and shit and he was i

think he was a

musician and

she came home

with a contract and it was just you know

it’s just sex man so big deal yeah i’m a lot of fuck

other girls i’m on the road to you know we’re just open

it’s no big deal and she

doesn’t fuck any of

those guys when

she’s not working with them you know the

whole deal he had this

whole rationalization thing

and then he got a contract

and he’s going over the contract

and he goes

what’s this what’s this

what’s this airtight what does that mean

and she goes

airtight is one of my

mouth one of my asshole one of my pussy

and he goes this this relationships over

that’s it he

just fucking

threw in the towel right there in there

he’s like what what what what what what

at the same time

one in your

asshole one year and they have a name for it

okay and you’re

about to go airtight yeah

done that’s it

put a fucking fork in it hooker

triple rainbow damn

first of all you know any girl that

would let you do that

any girl whoa

any girl that wants to do that

and any girl

that is in a relationship

with a man is like cool with her doing that

you got a whole lot of problems

there’s there’s this girl who was

there’s this guy i’m not einstein

salami was his name

i think he lives in seattle

now cool dude

he was a porn producer

didn’t like it got out of it he said the

whole business is just fucked up it’s all

crazy and everyone’s a mess

he just wants to be a healthier person so now he’s

teaching jiu jitsu

super nice guy so anyway

he tells us

hey man come see me we’re doing a porno shoot come

watch it it’s pretty fun

so i was with

tate and we’re like all right fuck it we’ll go we just

got back from the road we just landed from some gig

and this is when

tate was staying with me

so before we went to my

house we just

drove to this guy’s fucking porno

shoot me right out of the airport right

we walk in the door

we walk in the door and there’s this one guy with guns

tattooed on his body

he’s got like guns

like yeah one of

those dudes

and then the

other guy is just this regular muscle looking dude

and they are ruining this bitch

they are ruining her one guy is

pounding her asshole with his dick

and one guy is fucking her mouth

and every couple seconds

they pull her off off the dick and spit in her mouth

so this girl goes to this terrible day of

all this spitting fucking her asshole fucking her pussy

and then when it’s all over

she goes into the shower

and she wants everyone to piss in her mouth

so these porno stars

start peeing in her

mouth and she sits there with her

mouth open and

then she wants a director to do it you get over here

so the director goes over and he pees in her

mouth and i am

watching this

whole thing i’m like this

might be the

saddest shit i’ve ever seen in my life this girl is

on her knees in the shower

okay the water’s pouring all over her she’s totally wet

she’s been pounded in the asshole in the

mouth all day

two dudes have

taken turns spitting in her mouth of

three dudes because the director did it too

he spit in mouth

to everybody was spitting her mouth

and now she’s

on her knees and there’s a dude pissing in her

mouth and they’re filming it and i’m like wow

so then she goes

my boyfriend’s

gonna pick me up at

block me for something like that

and we’re like your boyfriend

oh man that’s

ridiculous and i didn’t

want to talk to i didn’t want to be mean i didn’t

want to be judgmental i didn’t want to say anything i

introduced myself hi joe nice to meet you

i’m gonna watch you fuck

me and my friend

tate here we’re

gonna sit and

watch you get fucked

so we were sitting like

maybe fucking ten feet away from this

standing standing like

maybe 10 feet away while

these two dudes were

pound on this

chick and then

these guys peed in this girl’s mouth

and then she

starts talking

about her boyfriend

what does your boyfriend do he’s a cook

so like a short order cook

at some like

danny’s or some shit like that oh my god and

you know and i go is your is your husband

cool with all

this yeah he’s cool with it long as i keep

bringing home

checks he’s cool with it

and so take goes does

he allowed to fuck anybody else goes

you better not i’ll fucking kill him oh my god whoa

he better not

i’ll fucking kill him like what did i just watch

this is just

this might be the nuttiest fucking

scene i’ve ever been a part of in my

whole life like this is so strange

that’s awful do you remember her name like

no her name or anything no idea

i wouldn’t remember her face or name anything i’d

never seen her before again

there’s so many of them dude

there’s so much porn

going on out here

there’s so many dudes that i know

i know so many guys from jiu jitsu

tyler knight

i know him he’s a porn dude

very cool guy he’s got

a really awesome blog too he

writes about gang bang

scenes and shit like that

and jake steed used to train it

machados and then

there was another dude that used to

train the machados

tt boy and then

john the four

well that’s his real name

not supposed to

vince voyer

vince for is another fucking male

porn star just like a gang of a man there’s like all

these porn guys

there’s so many so much porn

going on out here

it’s ridiculous they all girls come out here

with like you know

whatever issues and you know looking for a

dream and a lot of them it

doesn’t work out and next

thing you know they’re doing porn

and then this girls that just

have always wanted to get into porn and then they just

fucking like

sasha great type chicks

they come here when they’re eighteen

like good to go

ready to suck dick on film

mm hmm whoo

it’s kind of depressing actually

but it makes

you know the grocery

store at 2 a

m a lot better you know

cause you’re just walking around and there’s some

porn chick wasted trying to get cantaloupes

it’s way worse when you have kids dude and i bet yeah

i have a hard time beating off to porn these days

yeah i have to like

shut off the

compassionate part of my brain

really yeah

compassion part of my

brain wants to go okay what if this is my daughter

with you know my daughter was

doing this and

guys were holding her eyelids open and

jizzing in her eyeball

you know i’ve watched that the other day

and i’m like what the fuck is someone’s

baby someone’s little baby girl you know someone’s

fucking her

mouth like that

maybe she likes it you know

some girls do like that

so you can’t can’t say always that it’s terrible but

you know for a point

chances are if you’re getting

pounded in a porno

film that’s not really what you want to be doing you

should try to figure

out something else that you can masturbate to like

start like getting attracted to something on purpose

to try to someone’s

gonna come up with

anime porn yeah just go

with some fucking awesome cgi

you know use the

quake four engine

yeah you know

once it gets to the

point where

pornography can be

artificially created

then it’ll be way better it’s

karma free porn

today’s the day that doc

set the time

machine to go back to and back to the future

really yeah

wow that’s hilarious

yeah how do you know that

somebody tweeted it

earlier today

i didn’t research it so it

might be fake

could you imagine if they really do invent

a time machine one day

cause the real thing

about time machines that people aren’t

aware of there’s like scientists that actually

try to like

study time travel whether or not

there’s a guy is in fucking awesome story

his name is

ronald mallet

dr ronald mallet i believe from connecticut

see if you google that shit see if that’s his name

but anyway the guy has a fantastic

story he’s he’s like the leading

scientist when it comes to

theoretical

models for time

travel what was his name

ronald mallet from i believe

university of connecticut and he

he has like a working

model yeah it is ronald malin

he has a working model of

m a l l e t

t or one one two or two t’s

tt who else

ronald m a l l e

t t look them up on google and there’s some videos

about them but

his dad died it’s a

crazy story

his dad died when he was a kid

and he was so hurt he

loved his father there’s all those

photos of him

and his father and his father smiling and he’s smiling

he was so close to his father when his father died it

crushed him

and so he dedicated his life

to creating a time machine

he dedicated

his life to creating a time machine so that he

could go back in time and save his father so his father

would be with him

again so that was the entire

focus of his life

and he got to a certain

point where he realized that you can

someday it is possible to

travel back in time

but it’s not something

that you’re

going to be able to go back to any

point in history

you’re only

going to be

able to go back in time to the moment that the

first time machine was invented

so what will be able to be possible is

you’ll be able

to the moment there is a time machine invented you’ll

that day from that day on you’ll be able to go to any

point in history that you want

so you can go to

assuming there’s

human beings around

you know assuming though the

world hasn’t been hit by another planet or some

crazy shit you’ll be able to go to

you know one million years from now let’s see what the

world looks like one million years from now because

there will be time machines functional back then

or in that future

but the problem is then

this is the this you know this is all

theoretical but the problem is that any moment in time

could also go back to the moment the

first time she was invented

so if you can

travel back in time from any moment in time that’s like

millions of years in fact

infinite if people are still

alive of time of years of people

going back to the moment of the

first time machine being invented so it’s

literally like

the whole notion of time gets broken there’s no

real future it all kind of happens all at once

so it literally

fucks with the entire fabric of the universe

everything can come back

to the moment that the

first time machine was invented

it breaks everything

so this is like real shit they’re working on like this

guy is like really convinced that this is a possible

thing that’s craziness beyond

here’s something else

back to the future 3

if you look at the very end of the

movie when docs

has his kids and he’s like telling like see a

mighty everything’s

gonna be good you know

look at one of the kids

the kid starts

going like this

like come here or put something in my hand

and then he

points to his dick

what it is so ridiculous

and just got

snuck through somehow it

snuck through but i’m talking

about like a six year old

dude people were so

stupid back then

didn’t even know

so yeah you

could find on youtube like back to the future three

points to package

is that one of

those movies that you go

watch it today and it

would disappoint the shit out of you

yeah not so good huh

not so good i mean i saw the

first one the

other day and it was okay but then i saw the

third one and it was just so

dumb i didn’t even want to

watch it yeah man the

evolution of

movies has been pretty fucking

pretty obvious

you know the

evolution of what we accept

you know yeah

like people talk

about avatar being

silly and ridiculous but

still you see toy

story three yet

no i heard it’s awesome

is it yeah doing the best

all that animation stuff just

freaks me the fuck out i was reading and wired that

there’s some insane amount of time for like

every frame

for as far as like

rendering some like

seven hour fucking time for each

frame to render

isn’t that insane

which movie though this can’t be there’s a

picture now

really yeah

that’s crazy

hmm it seems like it

would be better than

i could go into the living room and go get that uh

that magazine but i don’t know exactly

where it is and i want to get up

but the idea is that it’s

still even into this day it’s very difficult to do

the whole even if my time frame is

wrong the whole

why don’t you just go look

under wired hmm pixar

sorry not pixel um

but it’s still not quite

there yet as far as like the technology

that’s going to

exist one day

where you can create instant

artificial people

you know you

remember like the editing that you’re doing

right now just with final cut

you know i’m just doing on a regular home computer on

apple i mean that this is the kind of shit that

ten years ago it’s like fucking

dreaming right now you’re

dreaming bitch like you know what you’re

gonna be able to edit and how fast is it

gonna render

you gonna put shit together it’s that easy 20 years ago

science fiction

right twenty years ago science fiction

thirty years ago

super crazy science fiction that’s like

ridiculous you’re

talking you’re talking

about something that’s just like people

would look at in the

movies and go wow

you know like

minority report type shit yeah

where they make

it look like you can do it now but it really is not

gonna exist for another you know

hundred years or so what did you say how many hours

i think they said

seven yeah that’s what they just

seven hours right at

seven hours

seven hours per

pixel yeah yeah

what the fuck man and that’s like

that’s like a

supercomputer to

right don’t they use like a

server i’m sure

they use yeah a huge

cloud of computers

definitely that’s

ridiculous those

movies took a lot of fucking time

but goddamn they’re cool as fuck so

seven hours now

so in ten years

that means we

could do pixar

movies on our phone

yeah yeah that’s inevitable

right it’s gonna be awesome hey dude

check out toy

story 80 huh if they don’t

break the universe before then yeah

right that’s my latest theory right

the human beings create the big bang and

i’ve been talking

about on that stage

i think that’s what we’re doing

i think that’s why the big i

think 14 billion years ago plus

was the big bang

i think it was a lonely dude in his basement who

figured out a way to

break the universe and he had a

switch and he wanted to see what happened and he

clicked it and the

whole thing i just want

i think that’s what happens and then

people get curious and we develop to a certain

point in time where we

repeat the process

isn’t that possible

i mean nobody knows what the fuck created the big bang

right but when you see scientists

working on shit like the

large hadron collider

large hadron colliders this

crazy experiment that they’re participating

right now in europe

where they’ve got this

22 kilometer

long machine and it spins

these atoms around and collides them it’s just just

slightly slower than the

speed of light

and they’re trying to recreate a

thing called the

higgs boston particle now they believe there’s actually

five different

higgs boston particles are trying to figure out like

what existed they called the

god particle for lack of a better word and it’s what

existed just a

millisecond

you know a fraction of a

millisecond even

right after the big bang

so when they

get that when they figure out how to do that and if

they do recreate the higgs boss and if they do really

find out it’s

not just a theoretical particle but it’s real

when they do that they’re not

gonna stop there

they’re not

going to stop there they’re

going to keep going

what’s the next thing

they got 10 000 scientists

working on that this is the biggest project in

scientific history

and it has nothing to do with making our lives better

technology at one

point in time was all

about making your life better

technology was about

hey we need to get

water and we don’t want to

just have to

drink it out of the

river every time

we need to get it and

bring it back

to camp what do we do we figured out how to make a jug

i mean that’s technology

technology today

the shit like the higgs boston particle

shit like the

large hadron collider

shit like making time machines like what are you doing

like what the fuck are you doing

you’re not fixing the hole in the ground in the

gulf that’s making the oil pull out

shouldn’t they pull all the scientists off

everything and go okay we

gotta fix this

before the whole

ocean gets poison i’ve always

wondered why they don’t do that anyway so with cancer

because there’s anything i

just like all

right all you guys we’re gonna

you know take

all the sciences

at once cancer

one year do it

you know these guys aren’t

experts in their

fields obviously you mean

i can’t know

everything about

everything it’s a

silly concept i mean what i’m saying but

it would be

great if they took all the top scientists from

all the different disciplines that

would be involved and they immediately allocated

funds to get them to work on the project instantly

and just the government step

i mean i’m not in

favor of the government stepping in but in this case i

would say this is

not just a natural disaster

this is a fucking catastrophic disaster

where apocalyptic

disaster where they need to step in and do something

about this immediately

they need to impose

almost like a martial law

type of a thing

take over the

whole but then

again who’s

going to be good

that’s doing that for the government the government

would have to involve the private sector

and then the private

sector would try to make a lot of

money from it and they

would try to fuck people over and it

would be a big scandal and it

would be like halibut and they’d

find out billions of dollars are missing from the yeah

whatever my fucking idea sucks you see that baby in

china was born with a

second dude i did and i didn’t want to look

i saw it and i shut

it off that shit depresses the fuck out it’s pretty

amazing now

it’s i mean it’s a

second face and it kind of looks like what is that

movie phantom of the

opera or whatever

but it’s i mean

did you does it say if they were

gonna be able to fix the kid or

no dude i didn’t read

it depresses the shit out of me

just like the one that i saw the

other day where there’s

a baby that was born there was like a fish baby

and like the skin had this very strange disease

that shit so depressing to me man

you know fucked at birth

and especially man

it’s depressing when you find out that it’s due to

birth defects because

of chemicals people that worked at factories and

you know people that were

given chemicals they shouldn’t be

given while they were pregnant

man china china’s a

tricky place

right now man

china has some of the most

polluted cities in the

world have you ever seen the

videos on that

is that the same

where they’re dropping

all our old computers and cell

phones are all

going there is that china

i don’t know do they go to

china yeah there’s somewhere they go and it’s just

cities that are

kind of like was that wall e movie

where it’s cities of just old computers and

stuff like that yeah let’s find out

where they go let’s find out because i never

heard of that before really i

know but i do know that you know

china has terrible

pollution problems

and there was one city

where they showed it was it a vbs tv doc

some doc that i

watched on the most

polluted city in the world

and just one day in this city

just breathing

the air is like smoking

three packs of

cigarettes a day wow

so every fucking day you’re there you’re smoking

three packs of

cigarettes a day that the sky was

brown man it was

crazy like you couldn’t see shit

like it took

smog to la’s

nasty dude when

you come over like when you’re coming from the valley

and you come over that hill

and you see everything

brown and you can’t even see the fucking mountains

outside like pasadena you can’t see the mountains

and you look at it and

you go what the fuck are we doing to the air that ain’t

shit compared to

china right

china’s five times

worse than that it is the nuttiest

shit you’ve ever seen in your life

i don’t know what kind of laws they have i don’t know

how they get away with shit like that but the factories

just pump shit out

what is this

so we have a photo you

found the dangers of old computers is a computer

wasteland does it say what country

china china

woman in every

china is about to smash

yeah i mean everybody keeps going off about how

great the economy is in china and china’s you know

becoming like a capitalist economy and you know

chinese people are

you know the whole country is it’s

changing and flourishing and we owe america owes

china so much

and then you look at what

china’s really doing like con cam

you know or a foxcon rather

right is then the name of the company foxcon

foxcons where all those guys who are working for

apple keep killing themselves

they help make iphone

speaking of how do you like your new iphone

how to get a new one yeah

how to get a new one what happened

wouldn’t accept the

sim card kept saying i didn’t have a sim card oh yeah

crazy i don’t know what happened

i just kept doing it

kept saying no sim card no sim card and so

finally eventually had to

bring it back to him yeah so do you want to see live

me going from

three bars to zero service

okay this is the

thing where if you

touch the bottom it says

it does something

first i show it

okay if you don’t know

nobody could see this man this fucking web camera sucks

you can see i have bars

okay you can at

least see i have a couple bars

right well just

just do it and tell us what’s happening okay

it’s going it’s

going from i just went to

three it was on four actually

it’s now a two oh wow

and it’s now going to go to one any second now

so just slowly drops yeah

you know what

apple says they say that it’s an error in the

phones while drop down to one that’s

crazy it’s gonna go to no service now

they say that it’s a an

error in the phones computing and that it is

it’s not an error wow saying

no searching

wow okay let it go now

and then it’ll go back up and so

apple’s trying to say that it’s not a real problem

they’re trying to say that what

you’re getting is just a more accurate representation

of the signals wow now it’s got a signal yeah

which is whack that

doesn’t make any

sense yeah because if

they’re saying what they’re saying is like if this is

wrong if you don’t have

three bars right now you actually have one bar and

covering up the antenna will make it go down

i said it’s a

stupid thing to say because

okay so you’re saying that the

phone just calculates the bars incorrectly

and really when you

touch it a certain way

then it calculates them

right what is that the

truth button the fuck are you talking about

you have a button and

it’s a part of the

phone and if you touch it

it makes the phone

honest with you

that’s stupid that’s a hardware problem you cocksucker

right it doesn’t do it with the case

which is good because i

never used my iphone without a case

anyway you get signal here man

yeah you should get signal yeah i got

and when you had no signal that’s not normal right

but but the problem is what are they

gonna really do

about it is this software update just

gonna make all the everyone

that just not happen you’re just gonna

always have

lower signal than normal

i don’t know i don’t buy it somebody just made up a

whack excuse

right because if they didn’t make up a

whack excuse

they would have had to have some massive fucking recall

yeah people

would have gone nuts this

class action lawsuit in the works

yeah but they said it’s

it does it on the 3g and

yeah yeah the 3s

but i tried on the 3gs i couldn’t do it really

i tried video bottom

right i tried

doing top oh really yeah i couldn’t do it

maybe they broke

theirs or something

maybe maybe was

older models

yeah i don’t know man

it’s a stupid way to deal with the

issue though tell people they have to buy a bumper

especially when you’re selling bumpers for 30 bucks

which is kind of douchey in and of itself

yeah you know

yeah how come

if i drop it it’s fucked

right so you get that bumper

so you give me this little

thing to put around it oh how much is this little

thing 30 bucks

this is 30 bucks

right and only

apple makes it and it

should have came with it fucking you got a

blackberry the

other day it came with a

leather case yeah

i can’t get a little

piece of rubber

i know you know so i went to best buy and i bought

two of the only cases that best buy

cells you know that

cover the back

so the first one i put on

it was so tight and

poorly made i

think was belkin

that the top button just

automatically was always pushed down so it was just

resetting my

phone over and over

so i had a second one that i was

going to give to you and i opened that one and

tried it again

same thing went online

found out that’s the problem with the case

so then i bought this

other one from griffith that had

plastic back to it

and every time you took a

photo it would

flash and hit the plastic

and flash back into the camera and

every photo looked like shit

and it went back online

same exact thing

across the board

so the only case we can

it right now

is this one that won’t protect

the bat but they

not fix that

how do they not have cases for an iphone come on

apple where’s

all right so if i

break this you’re

gonna replace the back because there’s no

other fucking case

and what is the deal with this

glass on the back why do you have

glass on the back for

reception issues

does that mean

is that what

it is yeah it’s what it’s supposed to be for but it’s

supposed to be for a better

reception wow

i mean come on you’re

carrying a piece of

glass in your pocket

what are the odds that

thing’s gonna

break and stab your fucking leg

cut your dick wait for the

first person to sit on the back of

their phone and get

those up their asses

when they die

what do you think a

month to imagine if that’s how you died

you sat on an

iphone that went up your ass and that killed you yeah

what was that guy that used to

30 ways to die or whatever 99 ways to die he put

glass things up his ass and sat on em

remember he had like this fetish of putting a ugh

whatever dude that was a bad

story was that one of

those episodes yeah

really yeah that show is disturbing as fuck i like that

all the way

different people have died

spike’s doing good with

their shows that’s a good one

yeah that’s a good

short attention span show

you just flip in

you know anytime you flip it through the channels

and they’ll

start like a real kind of like a

what’s the word

just a hokey

sort of a reenactment

you know where it’s there’s like

a certain amount of

humor to it you know

and they know they’re

gonna show you a fucked up way some guy died yeah

it’s kind of creepy to

watch but it’s interesting to me because then i

think about all

these i have that

extra thought

every time you know i want to

shove something up my ass i know i

might die from it you know

show me now i do know

i do know it’s a hard

urge to resist shoving

things up your ass sometimes it just overcomes you

or just crossing the

street with my eyes closed you know whatever the

story is you

showed me one guy one cup didn’t you somebody did

one guy one cup i

think you showed it to me man i don’t look for

those things anymore

that was the one

where the guy put a jar

up his asshole

right and then he sat down and his asshole

crushed the jar

and chunks of

glass and blood

start falling out of this guy’s body

and he doesn’t even

freak out that’s the most disturbing part

about you know i

still don’t know if i believe

everything anymore oh i believe that one

i don’t know if that’s a fake

glass anymore that guy if that’s

not fake someone needs a goddamn academy award the bme

pan olympics was fake no it’s not yeah

a lot of that is not fake no it’s all fake

people say it’s

fake i don’t believe a person that knows the most

about it i have it on my website do

some parts of that were real wasn’t that one

wasn’t one of them that

cut its finger off

huh wasn’t that the bme no no no

they’re just

chopping their balls off and

stuff like that

worry to me man they’re all the same yeah

that’s sad why yeah

they’re all the

other all the violence

videos go together i know there’s one

where guy cut his finger offwards

absolutely real

yeah i’m sure that

might be real there’s fucking

crazy people

this guy with the jar up his assholes real dude

it’s really pretty

pretty obvious it’s real

you believe

didn’t know we made it on the moon to don’t you nasty

i don’t know what the fuck

happened to that dude when he was a kid it made him

want to shove

bottles up his asshole

and have him

crush inside of them and then drop out

what happened

what is it lindsay

lohan’s your mom

do you think that will do it

fuck yeah can you imagine lindsay

lohan as your mom

and fucking the dude from jackass

steve o as your dad do you

think she can get pregnant uh

now she’s probably so big

like you said

we just saw that she was 24

i thought for sure she was like over 30

i forgot all

about her being a

young girl right yeah

i don’t know

i wonder if i

could hard action man that

chicks out there doing it

every night yeah

you’re the one who told me that she

got a tooth pulled just so she can get back on viking

well yeah supposedly when she got that scramble

bracelet on

or whatever it’s called that she immediately

had a dentist appointment like the next day that was

supposedly priorly you know

prior to this whatever and she had like a

tooth pulled or she had something that she had done

but it was like oh now she’s allowed to have viking

and that’s really

that’s nice

for her so that

so she’s got this

crazy bracelet on and says she has to stay sober

right and the dentist gives her viking in

first of all

she don’t need to get fucking viking in i’ve had

teeth pulled i’ve had shit happen

right you just deal with it it’s not that

bad i have a knee surgery didn’t take pain medication

i took viking in when i had my

first acl reconstruction it made me feel so stupid

it just made me feel so dumb

and i sold him some dude at the pool hall

this dude named jeff

you did not do that yes i did you

sell them i sold them to my friend

jeff and jeff sold them all throughout the pool

people gobble

those vikings up they love them

i had a friend

who was a guitarist he used to say that it made him

more creative

what that’s the opposite

effect it does to me to me it makes me feel

fucking useless and dumb that’s all it does yeah but i

think everybody’s

brain is working differently man

i mean slightly i

think we all have different

levels of different chemicals and different

you know his

music was probably fucking retarded then well

no he was a

classical guitarist he was really good

he was like

you know he

went like competitions and shit it was fucking badass

worst song i ever competition

no man he would

play songs that already existed

you know like spanish

flamenka songs that

kind of shit he was just

he’s a brilliant guitarist

and he said we take

vodka dance it

would make him more creative i don’t know

but you know everybody’s

brains he’s a fucking crazy dude

who was a former

taekwondo champion my friend dimitri

and he was a

big fucking burly

manly giant dude from the ukraine

you know his

his family is a

bunch of fucking savages

bunch of russian

fucking animals

and maybe the viking in just helped calm his

inner monkey

enough so that he

could you know he

could tune into his creative spirit

you know yeah everyone’s different right

this this dude is the only

dude that i’ve ever talked to that said viking ends

made him creative

that’s that

could easily been it you know

everybody’s got

their own fucking

thing man i mean how many people have you come across

where you go this guy’s just broken

his brains just not wired

right his body’s not wired

right he just he got the wrong

levels of all kinds of shit when he was in the womb

totally poor lindsay

that’s our message for lindsay

hang in there girl

you could you are

gonna get out in three

months and i

think that’s when lil

wayne gets out to

and you can get together and make a fucking badass cd

how about that as brock

says put some

underwear on how

about if lindsay

starts fucking rapping

while she’s in the

in the pokey

and comes out

like some badass

bitch rapper dude she’s gonna get

fucking laid so much

it’s probably she’s probably

gonna in jail

yeah she’s probably who’s

gonna fuck her in jail chicks

dude she’s in

heaven she’s

gonna come out with lesbian

hell yeah she is how do you know this

what she used to

date samantha

ron ronson or whatever

really sweet dj

you know djs i know

sam i know one dj

and i don’t know why i know because everybody was talks

about that guy

ties though

craig bursari one of the dudes who works for the

ufc i think he was one of

those telling me about this

the guy sells out

these gigantic fucking stadiums

not even craig i’m not sure

but he’s like this huge huge

huge fucking dj

where he sells out like

just gigantic events all over the

world man they

come to see this guy do dj and he makes his own like

electronic music

it’s huge i love it

but how do you know how do you find out

about these guys

i used to do myspace but now

pandora pandora yeah

just put in more

myspace if you want to

start off slow just put in fatboy slim

and then make a

radio station

based off that or something like that

yeah we talked

about this pandora’s pretty badass yeah

i like the idea creating your own

radio station

mm hmm good

stuff so brock

brock lesnar

and shane carwin that was crazy

brian was there

yeah on the

floors what on

i’m so glad they didn’t say about

man oh yeah

brock is one of

those people that that they don’t have to

worry about stopping it’s

gonna take a few

trains until they

really stop the guy

so glad that

you know i mean

you know trains to the head

but i mean that

he they didn’t stop it so i was

happy i was just

i was so scared they’re

gonna stop it

yeah well you know

it looked like they’re

gonna stop it i mean he was just

covering up and

shane carne was bombing on them and props to referee

josh rosenthal

because it wasn’t for josh rosenthal

that you know someone easily

could have pulled the

trigger earlier

right you know there’s a few guys that i

wouldn’t have

trusted in that situation but

josh saw that he was okay he was

going to get through it and he saw that

chains punches were coming slower and slower

and chain unfortunately just blew his wand

he had an adrenaline

dump i’m sure

the excitement of the fact that he had

the champ hurt and on his back and that

he was on top and he’s like this is over this fucking

thing is over

and he’s pounded him and

pounded him and

then all of a

sudden he’s

like fuck there’s two minutes left to go in this

round you know

and then he’s got to keep

going and by the end of

those two minutes there was nothing left

he got back to his corner and literally

could barely get up his legs were barely walking

and he was fucked he said his legs seized up

and he said he just went out there and he

tried to do

whatever he

could but his body just was not responding

he just completely adrenaline

dumped and completely blew out all of his energy

but goddamn did he hit him hard before that

holy shit that fucking

shane carwin can punch

he hits so hard he’s so big

but i think he’s too big

i think maybe like

he had to lose like 17

pounds to make

265 so he’s

walking in like

like somewhere around 280

ish you know on the day of the fight

so i think that

might be too big for his frame

you know i think

he might be better off if he was like 250

you know just a little

lighter but with more endurance

his punches are

still going to be

ridiculously

powerful nobody could

stand up to the way that guy hits

his punches will

still be ridiculously

powerful but

he’ll have a little bit more cardio

brock is just physically a bigger guy man brock

brock really has a 270

pound man’s body i mean he’s so wide

he’s just a big

giant freak

carlin’s not as wide you know he’s

still big as fuck got big

giant hands and shit but

you know i think brock

maybe can carry a little bit more weight

naturally than shane can

these guys when they

train really hard with weights and

power lifting and shit like that yeah makes you

stronger gives you a lot more muscle and that muscle’s

gotta get fed

it’s gotta get fed by blood

but god damn it was

exciting as fuck before it was

before it was over

how do you still have his mouthpiece

yeah i got brock

lesnar’s mouth

put in yet tasted the

taste of the

taste of a warrior

it’s right over there

he stuck it in my pocket

after was over i said i’m gonna sell that shit on ebay

but i’m just

gonna hang out to it yeah that’s cool

fucking i’m a fan

it’s a trivia moment

plus it was what a comeback

when he came out for that second round

his hands were

up high and like you know you just knew like this

motherfucker’s not going away

he got hit with some bombs and he was

still there and

still in really good

shape and that was really the big difference

he took shane down

gone shane’s half

guard passed

got on top of them

got him in an arm triangle and put him to

sleep it was fucking sweet

or put him you

know to tap

he would have gone to

sleep he really

cranked it tight and

brock is so gigantic he

they also call it a side choke

there’s two

different versions of it there’s one like this you do

it like this and that’s why it’s called an arm triangle

but the way

brock did it i

think he did it with a gable

grip where you do it like this

where it’s more it’s really more of a side choke

but brock is so big and so fucking strong

that when he just

crushes down like that like

you really don’t have any options man you’re

gonna go to

sleep he’s just got much too much

power he’s just

gonna crush that

whole area between your arm and your neck and

everything’s

gonna get smushed

and there’s not

gonna be any air

that was one of the best

ufcs i think in a long time

right that was

dude i was standing up during the

lesnar fight

it was so exciting i couldn’t fucking sit down i

stood up that’s awesome

when car went hit him and

he went to the ground it was like

the whole thing there was so much energy in the

arena it was so unbelievable

and then when

brock took him down at the end it was like

the whole thing was just

so and then when he tapped like it was just

fucking craziness man there was so much energy i

stood up like

three or four times

i don’t do that man

that’s the only

fight i’ve ever had to

stand up in the middle of it because it was so crazy

like as far as like sheer

entertainment value

what a fucking fight

there was a

bunch of sheer

entertainment

value fights

that were just off the charts

like lieben and akiyama

holy shit yeah that was

crazy man god

for sheer entertainment

that fight was better than any fucking

movie that’s ever been made i said

we’re gonna need

photos of his face

since then leaving

yeah dude leave is probably fine probably looks

today like nobody hit him really yeah he’s

tough as fuck damn

he can take

a shot dude he got nailed his legs went rubbery

he bounces backwards for a

second and then

starts walking forwards

again like a fucking zombie

it was incredible

he was he was like

literally like

right out of

twenty eight days later

it was fucking crazy

he can take bombs man he takes them

right on the chin and keeps going

the only persons been able to put him away is anderson

anderson’s just

way too fast way too technical way too fluid

just way too

gifted anderson’s just on another level

but for a lot of

other people man

you know it’s like arturo

gotti couldn’t

fight with with

floyd mayweather he got in there with

floyd mayweather he just

couldn’t compete he couldn’t compete with the style

he couldn’t compete with the technical superiority the

speed the reflexes the training

everything was superior and he just got lit up

but when he fought someone like

mickey ward who was like in his ball

in his range

he put on some of the most incredible

fights ever

it’s just a matter of getting on the

right opponent

and leven keeps getting better and better you know

he’s like you know he’s beating like high

level guys you know

aaron simpson

the guy who beat before he beat this guy is a bad

motherfucker man

aaron’s a serious fucking wrestler

strong as shit incredible endurance

i mean he’s just

his fight with tom lawler

he got nailed from pillar to post in that

first round

and then the

second round

you know he came back and he fucking

started taking

lower down and the

third round he came back and won that

round too and

wound up getting the decision when

it looked like he was a dead man in the

first round he was getting battered so

this guy’s tough as fuck

so when lieben

put him away it was like wow like that’s that’s

strong that’s a

strong statement

you know and then the next

fight to go

right from that two weeks later to

fight akiyama

you know akiyama is a fucking bad dude man

knocked out dennis

kang’s fastest fuck

awesome judo real

solid grappler you know

he’s a good dude so leaving

two fucking

sweet wins in a row

and how about that

kristoff suzinski stephen bonner fight oh

that was probably

one of my that’s my

second favorite of the

night dude a man

are just attacked like a man

possessed yeah of

he knew that like it was

do or die time he had lost to coleman

he had you know had the

fight with suzynski like he was fight

look that guy will always have a home in the

ufc because he’s a part of the biggest

fight in the history of the

sport the most important

fight the fight that got everybody to pay attention the

fight with him

and stefan bonner

when they were on

spike tv when it was the

finals of the

ultimate fighter the very

first season

people were

so many people were

tuning in while the

fight was on

that i think

the amount of people viewing the fight by

the time the first card

started but the

first fight of the card

started to stefan

bonner and forres griffin

boris griffin’s fight

they’d like double tripled quadrupled

at one point in time some insane number like six to 10

million they estimated

forget what it was

but something

crazy was watching that

fight where nobody was watching

spike tv before that

just people were calling

their friends and they were like dude

you gotta fucking

turn this on turn on channel whatever it is

these two guys are beating the shit out of each other

and forest griffin and stephen bonner had like a

movie fight

it wasn’t even real it was like a goddamn

every which way but

loose clint eastwood

movie it was him

fighting tank murdoch

they beat each

other all over the fucking

place and kept coming

they just went after each

other for 15

solid minutes nobody backed down for a second

you know so he’ll always have like

a strong place in the organization

they’ll always

have love for that dude

but he also knew that he wants to be

back in the heat

at 205 he wants to be

fighting up to his potential and he knows

he’s had some

good outings and some not so good outings that john

jones fight was a

tough loss he had

three tough losses in a row

so he stepped in

like a fucking wild man felt like his life was on the

line i was actually surprised to see him back since the

last one yeah

but i’m glad

cause i always liked that guy well you know

he got through when coleman

got caught man

coleman fought couture

he got caught but

right before coleman

beat couture or lost to couture

rather he beat bonner

you know so are you surprised that like kimbo is not

given an extra shot or

yes and no i see the point

you know really

if he wasn’t kimbo

you would have to cut him

matt metreone

beat him down and it looked like he was you

know it didn’t look like he was in the

right kind of condition

it looks like he got really

tired his technical prowess wasn’t up to the

level of metreone

metreone and improved much more

from his time on the

ultimate fighter

and you also have to wonder

about kimbo’s body

kimbo had some real knee problems on the show

and the knee problems that he had on the show they

weren’t fixable

things it’s like bone on bone type shit

he’s worn out the cartilage in one of his knees

which means

you can’t train as hard you can’t sprawl

and you can’t

do the kind of wrestling

training that you need you can’t get

your legs kicked the way you kind of need to get kicked

you know he’s got a

pretty serious problem

that problem kept him from

fighting in the main event or

getting another

shot at getting back in the heat of the show remember

he got eliminated and

then they offered it to him they offered him a fight

and he passed on the

fight because of his knee

that’s not something that gets better

so it’s like

unless he’s

got some sort of a cartilage replacement surgery

or i don’t know what they’re even able to do these days

he’s got a problem with that knee

and that knee is

gonna keep him from being able to

train the way

the way gsp

trains or tiago

alves trains or

any of the killers

so it’s you know

i don’t know i i

think you could

still make a lot of

money off the guy and the guy

still wants a fight

i look at it as like you know butterbean

member and butterbean was king of the four

rounders you know

doesn’t mean

you don’t use butterbean on your car just because

it’s not gonna beat

larry holmes all right

you know get butterbean

out there fuck it you know put them out there

it’s it’s it’s

it’s still entertaining

you know it’s like chris

lieben i mean

chris lieben

is you know he’s battling it out with the best in the

world he’s beating akiyama beat you know he’s

he’s starting to move up in the chain

but the end of the rainbow for him is always

gonna be anderson silva

you know anderson

i mean look anybody can beat anybody on any

given day a zigguin you

should have zag you run into one of chris lieben’s

punches you

could be in a lot of trouble

technically

the two are so far apart

anderson is in such a different

level athletically

his ease of movement

it’s just like

what do you do you’re not

going to cut lieben

why would you cut him he’s one of the most

entertaining

fighters in the world

so even if he can’t beat anderson

got to keep him around even if he can

never beat the best guy in the

world which i’m not saying he can’t you

never know you

never fucking know and

he’s improving and shit happens and

weirder things have taken

place in this world

but if even if he doesn’t if

never if he can

never beat anderson he should

still be around because he’s awesome

you know he’s fucking fun as shit to watch

so i think that

about kimbo too i

think kimbo’s fun to watch

and even though he’s not like

the at the level

that you know

gino santos is or kane

velasquez is he’s not at that

level i mean

you just got to

match them correctly

just just accept the fact that this guy is

never going to be a

title contender and

even though that’s not really what the

ufc is all about the

ufc is the very best guys

fighting the very best guys

and those may be hurt

throwing a young

gun in there with a gatekeeper make kimbo a gatekeeper

you know make him a guy that you test

young guys with i

think that’s

that makes it kind of interesting

as long as kimball wants to keep doing it

and if he keeps losing and then you know gets to a

point where nobody wants to see him anymore

then maybe stop using them

what do you have a chance

what do you think dana

white would say

about having a ufc

bar that was

just in the middle there was an octagon and

every night you just go there and there’s just people

fighting constantly

couldn’t do that

you can have that many people

fighting now

no you know it

would be too hard to sanction it

it’ll be too hard to

ensure that everybody had the proper medicals

it’d be too hard to find qualified

fighters because they can’t

fight but you know

i mean lieben fought

aaron simpson then two weeks

later he fought akiyama

very unusual and

for most people there’s a few

months off in between

fights and a

lot of that is because you get beat up and you got to

relax and rest

and heal up

if you have any injuries they have to

be fixed some guys

break their hands some guys

ligaments they have to get operations you know

shogun just got an operation on his knee

can you imagine

if they did that in vegas

or something i

think a better

bar solution

since the ufc has this gigantic library of 116 events

the best idea is to

serve good food

have a cool bar

and have the

ufc planned

state on all

these different fucking

televisions yeah

a steak bar with ufc

everywhere and then

during live shows they have like huge movie

theaters yes

or they have it on

every goddamn tv

in the room

doing a live show they have it on

every goddamn tv in the room and you have to pay 20

bucks to get in or whatever it is and

damn they would

clean the fuck up now

we’re going to the ufc bar

because really it

would be it’s it’s really there’s a cool

thing about

watching it live

i love watching

fights live because it’s

crazy and you’re

right there when it’s

going down it’s really

nothing the

experience is

nothing like anything you’ve ever had before

if your seats are good

right but if your seats aren’t that good

you know if you’re in the bleachers you know

it’s kind of cool being there still but

it’s pretty fucking badass to go to a

place with a bunch of

other people and

watch it on tv

you know like having a

ufc bar where people

you know if you can’t afford to go to

vegas you know you’re living in another city

everybody all your friends

gonna go to the

ufc bar and

watch the fight

totally i think it

would be for

mma fans alone

and everything i

think dana could have

his own little menu like

david’s desserts brock’s

members davis

desserts pinkberry

joe rogan’s

ravioli ravioli

why do i have ravioli because you italian hey

that would work that would work but having live

fights i don’t think that

would work i think that would be a little too much

yeah but no seriously that ufc gym

you know that yeah

i’m sure that’s doing good too

i don’t know i don’t know anything about it

pretty crazy

some dude facebooked me

from a ufc gym

like i’m the manager of

ufc gym if you’re in town you wanna work out

alright buddy i think that sounds like a

great idea fucking do some squats at your ufc gym

take a goddamn tybo class

right i wonder what kind of classes they’re gonna have

what kind of

liability do you have

if you let dudes actually beat the shit out of each

other i know

because if you have sparring

the bottom line is you’re not

going through

extensive medicals when you have sparring like

when dudes sparr

in kickboxing

classes i’ve

never taken a

blood test i’ve

never taken a fucking cat scan

i’ve never never taken shit

but that’s like any workout any gym has no

yeah just sign here

we’re not responsible good

dude you don’t even sign anything at boxing gyms

most of them you know

shit damn the

places i’ve worked on they’ll just slap

gloves on you and you

climb in the

ring with another dude that you don’t even know

and you say

okay so you

know just go easy go easy let me see what you can do

and you’re fucking

throw punches with some

dude that you don’t even know and you know who knows

most of time dudes are cool but

every now and then dudes will try to take your head off

they don’t know you

might have an aneurysm just

ready to pop

right behind your eyeball

and he touches you in the chin your legs go

you fall you

hit your head on the back of the mat and that

thing burst and just fills your eyeballs with

blood and you fucking die

right there

that’s possible i need to go to

when i went to get my eyes

checked a while back they were like

there’s something

in the back of your eye it’s probably nothing but you

should take it to a doctor and like yeah

oh you’ve got a

brain tumor

i know that was like ten years ago though

i would know it

right now you gotta

smoke a lot of weed

lose weight yeah

and where can i eat a lot of vegetables 15

pounds today get

drink my kombucha

you’ve lost 15 pounds

over the course

of how long

since the 18th

wow june that’s that’s a lot of weight

how the fuck you losing that much weight

crack cigarettes

hookers now

i modified weight

watcher the weight

watcher diet

which is modified meaning you taking less calories

well weight

watchers is you have this many

points you use them based on

this is the food like an orange is two

points you know

a sandwich is six

points whatever

so what i’ve been doing is

doing the weight

watcher diet but only eating zero to one

point shit so mostly vegetables mostly do you um

do you eat like little

small meals to keep like your metabolism and

eat small meals throughout the day

that’s like it’s all like one

point zero point shit and i’m not

going anywhere

close to my allowed at 35

points a day i’m probably doing

seven seven

points a day yeah

you’re like a little

chick that’s just like chicken you’re like a goddamn

chick bro you like lindsay

lohan you’re

starving yourself to

death totally

it’s great no but i’m making sure i’m getting all

the nutrients and proteins and all that stuff

since i’ve done brian

just for fyi

since i’ve known why is your

phone on that’s not me is it

alerts you getting alerts

since i’ve known

brian he’s done this like five times

where he got

heavy and then he got

skinny he got

heavy yo yo dieting is one of the safest

ways to to long

jiviate your life longevity

he went from you were up at like

how hot was the heaviest you were ever at two forty

three two forty

three and by the way he’s

how tall are you five

eight five eight okay 243 that’s

giant he was a fat guy

his legs used to

touch together in the middle

he had to wear

crazy pants

his pants were always way too long

because his

waist and his butt were way too big for

pants that were that long

so they had

his pants were always like

shuffling and then

this guy got dumped by his

girlfriend and went fiance

fiance sorry

it’s much more devastating

than just a

girlfriend right

seven years

they were together for a long time it’s very

devastating and he went on a goddamn weight watcher

elliptical machine rampage

and over the course of how long

three months

you lost like 70

pounds right i was 1

63 was the lowest i got then i

decided to and that was in

three months

yeah that’s so unhealthy

that’s so unhealthy dude

you basically

starved yourself

do you have

pictures of yourself

when you were that skinny

do you have anything that would

shock the people at home yeah i do

actually i have something really just pulled that up so

i can take a look at that because it was really strange

it turns out

brian has a weird head

we just don’t know because it’s always like

it’s always like

embraced in

a row of soft tissue

and you don’t get to see the true

shape of his head

but when you just see

skinny brian

skinny brian is a strange dude i don’t even know what

nationality he is he looks like he’s a fucking alien

i’ll find it

where’s kenny bryant

what we got to do is we got to make your neck

build up this to

match your head

it’s very important

you know you can have a big head

as long as you have a big neck to support that big head

right you got

a big head son and you don’t have a big neck

and that shit looks strange

well that’s because

that’s because

your head is used to be your body being gigantic

right so what you got to do is

you got to build

your neck up you know that’s one of the most popular

things in hollywood though for actors to

make exercises they want you to have a big head

what is that about

i don’t know it’s a

thing where

maybe it’s a more more

brains thing

but it can’t be true

cause i know some people with big heads are

stupid as fuck

here’s a picture of me

holding my old

pants up wow

well this is not helping the people at home now

now i might find a better one i’ll post on my twitter

later today well

when you do i’ll retweet it

cause i know people are fucking

excited to see

what you look like when you look strange there’s one

picture i have that’s just so scary

but what was interesting is when you became

went from being a fat guy to a

skinny guy you also

found out that

you’re attractive

and you started getting girls

girls were liking you man

it was like

you know like

chick should be into brian

and brian was like wow

like this is

crazy look at what this like

but then what happens

and i settle in and then you get a

girlfriend got a

girlfriend i gained it all back

never gained it all back no i didn’t i’m probably

one i’m one ninety five right now

one ninety five well

so at least you’re

still forty

whatever pounds right

away from what you were

right i don’t

wanna get back to one

sixty five that was way too low

i look like i had aids no you didn’t

i thought i look

like what you’re supposed to look like dude

you just so used to see yourself gigantic

you did not look like you had aids i

swear you never looked

like scary skinning you

never did it looked weird

because like all the

sudden you were looks like the tiny person

you know that’s you that’s

ridiculous isn’t that

ridiculous i thought

that looks like a healthy person really i hate

to say that that looks like a healthy person

your problem is your head’s too big for your body

you gotta start working out

if you started working out dude you’d be a sexy

bitch right there you’re looking sexy as fuck yeah

there’s a dude that i know that has the

tiniest head

and it always trips me out whenever i talk to him

he has it backwards he has the

tiniest head ever it’s a very small head

and all i can

think of when i’m next to him is

would it be like to

punch him in his little tiny head

i mean i don’t want to do it and i

would never like do it

but i just think man if you

punch this guy and not even me like

if a person did

punch this guy in his tiny little head

like you could just

crush his head he’s got a bird head

that’s weird

i’d rather i’d rather have a way big to head

way big to way big to

filled with

smarts my fucking

stupid head is

smart as fuck

so um your um

that’s another

skinny photo

that’s crazy

these up on

twitter i’m telling you dude that looks healthy

i think i look like i

think i look like a gay

lesbian right

brian that’s what you look like god damn it you’re gay

lesbian underneath it all

that’s that’s what you look like when you’re thin

that’s hilarious but i don’t want to be a gay

lesbian but

how come you can’t stay

the same way

don’t you like

monitor your weight and you see it go up and what

do you do what’s the process when you see it going up

what keeps you

from just recognizing

that and cutting back on your food

well it’s not even a cutback at food it’s

i have the metabolism of a

small goat where i

eat small goats are

skinny as fuck

dude what are you talking

about they’re lean

that’s a terrible example

i meant backwards

you have a metabolism of

fat person yeah that’s what i mean i fucking eat like

two pieces of

pizza again

so if you just gave up

and just were a

sedentary fuck and had a normal nine to

five job we

ate shit at the office and

ate shit for lunch

and then you came home you were too

tired to work and you

ate and then

watch tv you just be a

giant fat huge i’d be

crazy huge i wonder how many my

grandmother was like six hundred pounds

on my dad’s side really yeah she was humongous diabetes

everything that’s

scary yeah my dad said

yeah i wonder

how many dudes who are like that have like a hormonal

imbalance a thyroid imbalance or something that

could be corrected well it’s so

why he’s got mine

checked and

i’m supposedly fine whatever the

thyroids fine yeah but

check your testosterone

no i don’t know

non detective

i saw this not saw i was listening to

sirius satellite

radio the other day and one of the

things they were saying about

guys who gain a lot of weight

is a lot of

times it’s just some sort of a hormone imbalance

and that it’s

maybe a testosterone imbalance

they could cure it with like some

cream yeah but when i just get more hairier

i don’t need that anymore listen

bitch what are you

gonna take care

and have some fucking energy

and and not

become fat i

should get that

checked honestly

cause i bet you i’m fucking no you

tired all the time i’m

tired from when i wake i wake up in the morning i’m

tired guarantee you and

especially because you don’t do anything that

forces your body to produce it

you’re not involved in any

heavy lifting or anything

i think that’s one of the most important

things when you’re maintaining your health as you get

older you have to do strength training

you have to do

training that makes your body constantly regenerate

tissue keep your glands pumping

when i wake up i really feel

tired like i

never have woken up and like wow

i have sleep

apnea to man i probably have

you snore yeah

chicks tell you snore

yeah you ever

like gag in your

sleep i don’t do

well you should get tested man

i got a new

mouthpiece that i

started wearing you know because i got diagnosed with

sleep apnea a few years ago

and when the

doctor created this

mouthpiece it’s got dr coropian and tarzana

he created some

a mouthpiece

that keeps your tongue down and the problem is

i have a big tongue and

my my neck is big from working out all the time

and my hold that i have in the back of my

throat it’s not so big

and so when i lie down my tongue falls back as i

relax and covers over the fucking hole

and i gag and cough

like a lot of times it’s fat people fat people have it

but athletes have it a lot too

anybody who has

like a big neck if you have a big tongue it’s probably

gonna happen to you

so this mouthpiece kind of keeps

your tongue down well he just invented a new one i just

started using this new one

dude it’s incredible

i wake up i feel so fucking rested

mrs rogan says i don’t snore at all anymore

and i feel so much better and my dreams are

super vivid man my

dreams are really intense

they’re really like very very lifelike to the

point where sometimes my

alarm goes off in mid dream

and i’m like wow that was a

dream cause it’s not even

they’re not even like

crazy dreams they’re

dreams like life dreams

it’s very strange they don’t have a

dream like feel to them they feel like

dropped another

level below

in my depth of my sleeping

you know and so i’m having these

maybe i’m reaching a rem

level that i wasn’t

reaching before

because i was snoring all the time because i

would choke and i have this

sleep apnea

problem because even the

mouthpiece didn’t totally cure it it

definitely made it better

right but i

still snored

this new one i don’t snore at all

is that a picture of you and jenna

jameson yeah

when she was what

when we were in arizona yeah

so what’s the goal now you’re at

195 and what’s your goal trying to get to

165 yeah you

should get your hormones

checked out son

you might have problems i should

you know they can

one thing you can do

things to cure it but one of the

things that works is

squats squats and

heavy lifting

makes your body

produce more testosterone

makes your body produce more growth hormone

it’s very good for you but

you gotta not be a pussy

you gotta actually do em yeah

you don’t seem like the type of dude that’s really into

what straining i just

seem like the energy i have per day

is so small that

you look at it yeah

like i feel like i am

i’m barely trying

i’m barely trying not to go back to sleep

damn dude you really need to get yourself

checked out yeah what if you have a real

issue that’s probably

do but if i had it it’s been i’ve had it my

whole life hmm

if i’ve had it

what do you think

i don’t know what

fucking goddamn kids get off my lawn

we haven’t looked at the photo

the the questions on

on twitter and forever oh

here’s the other

thing that i did last week that i forgot about

i actually gave my phone number out on twitter yeah

what’s going on with that

i fucked up royally i gave my

phone number out

i gave it to doug benson cause doug was gonna come to

vegas this weekend

and he wanted to come hang out with us at the

house of blues

and i said yeah man i said i can even get you into the

ufc here’s my

here’s my phone number

me and i put it in the main twitter box

instead of the

direct message box i thought i was sending a

direct message

so i tweeted my fucking number to the whole

world so i was like god damn it and then it just

started vibrating

and vibrating and the calls were just coming in like

they never stopped it was like one after the

other cause

you know when you have

i’ve got 130 something

thousand twitter friends and who knows how many 10

maybe 10 000

might have seen it i

tried to delete it but it was too late it was out there

and so then as i was driving to the verizon

store to go change my number

i just started answering

phone calls like what’s up

is this joe rogan

like yeah man what’s

going on what are you doing

might come on my way to the verizon

store i’m just turning in my phone

i have to i

would answer it here for you guys and show you

but i have verizon

and verizon

doesn’t work here

where i live you know

but i did it all week i accepted as a family you

did act very nice though you could have

told all those

morons who called you and ruined your

phone number you

could have just posted all

those online and fuck them

you know but you were nice

about you took the high road

well what are they doing they’re just look

i fucked up it’s out there

right it’s not you’re not

gonna take it away it’s like

everyone’s gonna be so cool

that no one’s

gonna call you on that

would not be

great though if everyone was cool

no because some of the people just want to call to

say hi why not if you were eighteen years old

and you you’re a fan of some dude and also he’s got his

phone number online

and you call him and he actually answers like holy shit

that’s most of the

calls most of the calls were people saying holy shit

and they were all cool

what do you think

about fader or losing is he out of the

ufc managers

never gonna

bring them in now

and all these conversations about

fucking had conversations

about comedy

i conversations

about about

mma i had a

bunch of different conversations

about all kinds of shit and i was like i’m

gonna keep this

phone fuck it

so i kept it

as a fan line you want to call it i really do answer it

not all the time

but i pick it up

every now and then

eight one eight five one

seven two seven

seven four that’s my

phone number that’s my fan line now i

agree with that number

i know that was like a real number right

like shit he’s giving out

the real number

i thought that

would be kind

of cooler too to actually give out the real number

instead of getting

another number and making it my fan line

it’s like actually

kinda cool that

you actually have my real number i mean that’s like my

legit number that i’ve had for fucking a decade right

so that’s my number and

that’s the deal this weekend

i’m gonna be at the ontario improv

with the one and only joey coco

diaz and that’s

gonna be a lot of fun

ontario is a badass club it’s selling out quickly so

if you want

to get in i know a lot of people got shut out in irvine

i talked to a lot of people that were

disappointed and i’m

sorry i didn’t get in but

you know these clubs they only seat like 300 people so

if you want to come to a show

especially like the fridays

shows and the saturday shows you

know sunday sometimes a little easier because you got

less people are out doing

things but friday and saturday

those fucking tickets so quick

irvine was awesome irvine

last weekend

every show sold out

every show was

cool people were cool as fuck it was awesome

and then house of blues was awesome too

although i did get a todd too

drunk just a

touch yeah what happened one shot over the line not

too bad cause i didn’t actually

nothing it was nothing bad the show was

great but i

definitely got too drunk

and i told the

second half of a joke twice

is because i didn’t tell the

first half of it

right the first time

so i tried to like redo it and i

and then i realized

as i was saying it i was like i already said this

isn’t it does that suck to you

it does but i just

admit it you

admit it like i immediately

just stop and

admit it i just

said what happened

you know and

eddie’s going to

point it out i go

yeah i know

but i did it because i fucked up this part of it

but it’s not a good enough answer

it’s the answer really is i was

drunk that’s the answer i mean i’m saying what i did

wrong but the only reason why i did it

again is because i was

drunk right

i just i didn’t have anything to eat

and i had like

three shots in a row on stage

which is two shots too many

but still it was a

still fun fucking

fun like really

happy crowd they were cool sam tripoli was hilarious

yeah sam was awesome he crushed it it was really good

yeah that place could go either way you

know sometimes the ufc knights that place is

you know the

house of blues is just a madhouse well we fixed

it we fixed it we fixed it when we got real

standing only that

changed the vibe of it so much

because people were uncomfortable

before and you felt that uncomfort from them

because the fact they had to

stand and watch a show

and i made a lot more

money than on

those shows but i don’t care i don’t want people to

stand up i think it sucks

when we saw

stand up we saw

stand hope rather that shit cured me

no more stand up shows i’ll

never make someone pay to see me

stand up ever again

we fucked up in memphis

joey and i did a show in memphis and

it had to be

stand up because it was a really tiny place and

if it wasn’t

stand i would only seated like

100 people and all

these people were

standing up by the bar

so half the

crowd was standing

and they were

all talking at full

voice like bar

voice like no one was like

paying attention to the show

when joey went on

stage no one

was like maybe 10

of the people in the bar

weren’t talking

it was just a low rumble

and then i was like okay this is the

final straw i’ll

never have a

standing room show ever it’s not fun to watch man

the part of what is good

about a show is you can kick back and relax

what would be awesome is if

every fucking

place you went had real comfortable seats

if you could sit on a

couch like this

if that’s how you watched

every comedy show

kicking back and

chilling on a couch

how fucking it

would be way funnier

because you be feeling

relaxed you have no tension it’s like

you’re more likely to

laugh at shit

when you’re

standing your fucking feet hurt that sucks

first person i ever

heard say that was

jimmy norton

and i heard

jimmy talking

about it he was

promoting one of his shows

and it was talking about

you know people were calling in and saying that they

heard there were

standing tickets in the back and

jimmy was like no no no it’s

going to be

my show is a

standing show

and i was like wow he’s like real adamant

about that but i didn’t

think it was that big of a deal i’m like well

maybe he’s just

you know he’s more

rigid with his

style or something and he wants to make it like that

but then i you know

i realized that’s the

right thing to do

those standing shows the stanhope

shows i mean they’re fun and

everything but it’s not as fun

yeah to me i don’t know it was my

age or what the

whole time i’m just

focusing on the pain of my

standing like

how uncomfortable it was it’s not an age

thing man i didn’t like

standing up with a concrete

floor when i was 10 yeah

you know it

doesn’t feel good

when i worked at gateway i had to do it

eight hours and

weren’t allowed to sit down

throughout the day so you

would find the thickest

shoes and then you put the best

inserts in that shit’s not good for

you it’s not

you know your body’s supposed to be moving around too

cause that’s

when i do stand up and i’m on

stage for an hour and a half or whatever i’m on for it

doesn’t i’m never hurt

i feel fine i get off i get off i feel

energized but

standing in one

place and not

moving at all for an hour and a half that sucks

that’s terrible

you’re carrying your weight you don’t even

think about it but

you’re not even

moving you don’t even get

blood flowing through it and you’re

right next to

other people

so you can’t

stretch your arms out

move your body and

touch your toes and shit

like if you don’t do that man your body feels like shit

i think it’s very important

that’s one of the reasons

why i don’t like doing comedy too much in bars anymore

i don’t like

i’ll do it every now and then just for a goof just to

experience something different get to get a different

taste of comedy you know do like a little

shitty little hollywood gigs

every now and

again but i

think it’s very important the right

atmosphere has to be set

you know the same

atmosphere that’s good for

music it’s not the same

atmosphere that’s good for comedy

you know music you

could go up and people

could be talking like how’s everybody doing out there

and then you

play your song man you don’t you don’t require

their attention

a hundred percent

their complete interaction

you don’t require that you don’t require a response

a definite response you know from them

comedy though

it’s tricky very tricky

setting up the

atmosphere is so tricky

it’s why it’s important

i always go on the road

with dudes who i

think are funny

i always go on the road with friends it’s so important

the worst thing you

could ever do is go on the

road and a guy opens for you and the guy fucking sucks

he doesn’t just suck he like sucks like

aggressively

and like it’s like

bad material

and it’s like badly done

and like the totally different

crowd that you

would have you know that he

would have normally

yeah most of them

would never have a

crowd at all yeah

really bad ones yeah

and i’ve been one of

those really

bad ones by the way i’m not shitting on them

i’m i mean it’s part of the development process

i’m writing this book that i’m writing

about a lot of my

early comedy days

it’s making me rehash

old bombing

stories that i forgot of

terrible fucking disastrous tales of the road

and they’re fucking crazy

you know but a lot of it was just

cause i sucked

i was just terrible i didn’t know how to

relax back then i didn’t know how to

do comedy yet i was really just fucking feeling it out

which is fine and good you know and it’s a

thing you have to go through but i don’t want people

going through it before i get up on stage

because if they do it

right before you it’s like it

taints the whole room

it’s like someone just came on

stage and just shit into

their minds you know

then you’re forced to like

clean everything up and

start from scratch

you know it’s

you have to like do damage control you know yeah

so weird at

this comic i know he’s

i think 20 years old

and he’s just the nicest

guy little kid ever you know

he’s always you

know asking for advice to like ari and me and

stuff like that just

a really nice guy and

he’s just you

can’t tell him

how just how nice this guy is

did you fuck him

what did you

say no no well

he just said that told me the

other day that he’s

gonna be like lead role

in like a real

movie now and

he’s going to go from this nice

nice little open mic

young kid now he’s

gonna be like lead role in a

movie and it’s just it’s a big

movie or that

kind of well i

think it’s a

it’s a think it’s a big

movie it’s like

what it is it’s supposed to be like a cloverfield

but it’s it’s like at a

party with like

generation x guys or whatever

generous and it becomes a

monster movie

no no how it’s like recorded like it’s

like like cell

phones cell

phones like that

you know what man i’m not buying that anymore

i bought that shit with like the

i thought it was kind of interesting the blair

witch project

how they did that i thought that was a good movie

i mean it was really like for what it was

when we saw the blair

witch project the

first time i saw it

was we were in houston and

chris mcguire and i were working at the last stop

and this was way back in the day

whenever it came out

and this dude

who worked at the

movie theater across the street

came to the show

and after the show we’re all hanging out and

smoking weed

and the dude goes hey do you guys want to go

watch the blair

witch project

right now we can all

watch it like

we’ll set it up i got the keys we’ll turn it on

i’m like get

the fuck out of here are you serious he’s like yeah

so it was like a midnight show okay

so we went over there at two o’clock in the morning

and this dude had the keys unlock the

place we got popcorn and shit

and it was just

him the dude

he worked there a couple

other people that worked with him like a guy and a girl

and me and chris maguire

says five of us and we

watched the blair

witch project and was badass yeah

was the perfect way to watch it

freaked me out the

second time i

watched it it was terrible did not work

not only did it not work

there was some dude who brought his baby

and this fucking

mexican dude and his baby was making all this

noise who’s like two

you know and

you know so a

bunch of people like shush

dumb and he got

aggressive with the people fuck you

bitch don’t fucking shush me bitch

and i was like okay now i have to fucking

think about this guy and his fucking inconsiderate

ways and he’s got a baby and people trying to shush him

and he’s you know fucking

yelling at them

obscenities

and threatening them i’ll fucking kick your ass

bitch and that kind of shit

so now you gotta think

about him for the fucking

movie or so it was a bad experience

you know i don’t really like

going to movies anymore

so roll the dice

yeah i mean

especially when

nowadays it’s like i can get a blu ray i can wait

i can wait six

months and that

the experience at my

house now is better than

i think going to a

movie yeah if you have a nice good size tv

and you know you got a good size

sound system plus

you don’t have to

worry i can

get pee breaks

i can fucking smoke weed

yeah you can have whatever food you want you can

have a comfortable

couch to watch on it’s a way better experience

people like the event of being out there with

other people

you know people like that’s what one of

things people like

about a concert

you know a fucking

ozzy osbourne

was playing just to you and it was just you and ozzy

alone with his band in a room

you probably

wouldn’t even want to be there

right you know maybe like

maybe listen to a song or two you be like this is

crazy he’s looking me in the eyes and singing fucking

you know you’d

have to look at you you’re the only one there

but if you’re you know

one of 15 000 in an

arena then it’s cool

then it’s fun that’s crazy but

i think movie theaters need to reboot man

i think they need to stop going hey

we’re charging you 14

for tickets 8

for a popcorn 5

for a pop i think they need to it

is kind of fucked that you have to pay that much just

to watch it

whereas if you want to own it

like 30 bucks in a few

months not even

that you can get a best buy for 14 99 on dvd

you know 12 99 not blu ray though

right blu ray

30 bucks sometimes opening week or first

week you know

they’ll have it on sale for like 17

yeah if you

watch something blu ray it’s so much better

so much more comfortable

watching shit at home yeah

this i watched the wolfman

the other day

again yeah i

watched it again

i don’t even like it it’s a terrible

movie but i

think it’s dope

when it’s at home

when it’s at

home i like it yeah it’s not bad when i saw in the

movie theater i’m like i paid for this fucking

stupid movie this

movie’s retarded yeah

what do i say that was pretty good oh

the crazies

crazy dude the crazies

this good goddamn

horror movie really yeah

i don’t wanna tell you the premise

cause i didn’t know a thing

about it i’ll

give you the blu ray i got it up here oh cool

i didn’t know a thing

about it i knew nothing

but someone had said this is a really

scary movie someone twittered it so i

might check it out

because i don’t know

i love when i don’t know anything

about a movie i didn’t

know nothing i didn’t i hadn’t seen a single preview

i saw a photo

with a guy with a

pitchfork that’s it

that’s all i know

so like okay some

crazy shit obviously

guys killing people with a

pitchfork right

great movie

i mean not the best

movie in the world but

a good goddamn horror

movie good solid

holy shit horror movie

then i’m like why wasn’t this

movie popular

why didn’t this

movie go somewhere in the

movie theater

it’s pretty fucking good

i didn’t hear

a thing about it did you hear anything about it

i just remember the advertise

or the advertising

how they advertised it

the last airbender i have not seen it you know why

cause you’re not fooling me

again you fuck

m night shamalama ding dong

your movies are

goddamn terrible sir i

think it’s done

i think the

motherfucker

happy internet

internet sat there when he had zero percent of rotten

tomatoes is like yes this is hilarious i

know he had 0

of rotten tomatoes for a long time

like six now or

seven or something

yeah he’s got

a few percent now there’s a few fools out there

or some staff members from

tonight shamalama ding dongs fucking

but what makes me even

more angry is that the fact that the opposite

is happening with toy story 3

because that’s a

movie i don’t care

if you’re the most

angriest person in the

world you’ll sit there and you’ll go at least

yeah that was a good movie

those pixar

movies are always good man

they’re so good at it one bad one i

think there

was one or two bad ones and it was just like

really i wanna meet

these people and go

what the fuck is

wrong with you

are you really

that angry of a person or

are you somebody from a different

movie studio just being a dick you know there’s a

lot of that

a lot of espionage and fucking double

crossing online

for sure a lot of positive comments as well by paid

shills you know people accuse the

ufc of doing that all the time on the

underground people are saying how many of you guys are

paid ufc shills

as far as i know there are none but there

might be i might just not know

about them it

might very well be that they hire people to

get online i mean it’s effective

marketing if you

think about it

get online you hype up a

fight you start talking

you instigate comments you know

do you think that you know

shane would have been

knocked out by brett

rogers you know or that i don’t

think it’s but

i bet lesnar

would have been

knocked out by brett

rogers like

sometimes it is

i know it is

i know but i

know in the

pride days they

used to do that there’s

just a lot of people also that’s all they think yes

that is true but but

as far as like

as far as like putting together threads and pushing

positive threads and talking

about how excited you are for something

it’s a good move

you know it’s a

smart move you know if you get a good thread together

amazon’s reviews are that

yeah well i pay attention to amazon’s reviews

half of it could be

total bullshit

i even try to read it to say okay does this

sound like something like a publicist made or

the company made

no one can stop you from doing that you

could review the shit out of your own stuff

i’ve never done that with anything i’ve ever done i’ve

never done that but

i was pleasantly surprised at how

many cool fucking comments i got on the itunes thing

i thought when i was

going over the podcast i’m like there’s

going to be a

bunch of douchebags that don’t want to hear us

yapping about

things because this

is kind of a free form podcast a lot of times we talk

about the same subjects we’ve talked

about before

they’re relevant to the current conversation i can’t

i gotta assume that each one of

these two hour

things is its own thing

i try not to repeat

things as much as possible but

and it’s also just hard to remember

you know what was 28 times two

you know how many

hours is that of trying to

but i also think that we get into subjects a lot deeper

than you can if you’re just doing an hour podcast

you know i like the hour podcast format but i

think there’s something

about really intense conversations or

we have these cool conversations you

gotta let them kind of take

their fucking path

you know and sometimes

it’s like well this is it we’re just

gonna stop it now

but you know there’s more shit to be talked about

but so many fucking people who said

things on the itunes

were cool there’s

a bunch of complaints

about the sound

which we did have problems with the

sound but we

fixed all that shit and if you

think it’s too low stop listening it on your iphone

speaker phone it’s low for everything

brian’s very

upset with this

well some guys said

how low it was and so today i

recorded myself

going on like

adam corollas

you know a couple of them and then ours i

think we got the

loudest this is good now

we mean and i

think this is the

right way to do it too because i’ve

heard things

where people talk on live mics

and it’s not

quite as loud or clear

the reason why

radio stations use

these kind of mics and

stand up comedy use this kind of mics and

this is the

right shit to use

so this is the way we’re

going to keep it

as far as like

putting up this

green screen i kind of gave up on that shit

i think it’s distracting

i might put up

a banner or something

maybe put up a big

flat screen and

have a constantly

changing logo

make you you can put together some nutty

video and i’ll be playing in the

background we think

good move just

show ideas on a toilet but i

think i’ve given up on the idea of us being in

space looking like a

cable access show

you know the

flashlight is our only sponsor

and like i said before that if if it wasn’t a

sponsor i would still tell you to use it

things the fucking bomb diggity me too it’s awesome

gigs this weekend i will be at the ontario improv

friday saturday and sunday with joey diaz

as we said tickets are selling quick

so if you want to come

come the next time i’ll be if you’re in la

and you want to go somewhere closer i’m

at the universal

city john lovett’s

has a comedy club up there the john lovett’s comedy

club and that’s

next saturday

it’s like the

17th or some shit something like that two shows

next saturday two shows i

never been there before i

heard it’s good

and john lovetts

is a nice guy i like that guy love that

shopping center i love her that

whole universal

place i love that

place yeah that’s a cool

place it’s like being a disney road

so that’s it

ladies and gentlemen for this week

thank you very much for

tuning in we

appreciate the fuck out of it as always and

much respect

much love and we will see you all

next week same bad time same bet

not this is not even the same time it was next week

we’re gonna keep doing it though we will

not stop we will not end and we do this all because

of your support and because of fact you guys are

enjoying it and i

appreciate the fuck out of it

thank you very much

i love you bitches later