one two three

turn it up

the man leonard skinner the actual man

leonard skinner died is that what happened yeah i

guess he was like a gym coach

hang on let me eat this

mike condom yeah he was a condom free day he was

evidently the

gym teacher that they named their band after

really yeah

so he’s dead

that’s it that’s a wrap we all go folks

this show as all are sponsored by the flashlight

if you have not tried one duck stand up

and i know we were discussing this before the

break but we

decided to save it you have not i have not fucked a

flashlight are you

still a fan of masturbation everything

only in the most clinical

medicinal like

quickly get this out of me way

you don’t spend any time like lusting

no lust no none whatsoever

when did that stop happening

i have gradually over years

i mean i remember even at the man show i had fucking

no interest

in like juggies

just so dull at a certain

point time in your life you’re forcing it if you’re

still chasing it you’re forcing it

it’s like what are you doing

yeah i remember

if you had told me a twenty

you’ll lose your sex

drive i like what

would you do if you

weren’t trying to fuck people like

and then you

think at 43

what could i have done with my life if i wasn’t just

trying to fucking blow loads and chicks

well i definitely

haven’t stopped beating off but i see

where it’s ridiculous

i just can’t ones by the way

huh i just fucked one of the can ones the

one totally different than the other one

was like a drunk

sloppy chick

it’s really

sloppy and loose and oh

flashlight get on that shit

no it was good it was

manufacturing issues it’s mixing up your bitches

it was good

it’s meant for a different kind

of man brian

this is what it’s meant for

a girth here

see it looks like a beer

and you open the top and it’s a fake vagina

that’s the idea behind it that’s good

brian is not a fan of this one

no i fucked up i fucked a rubber vagina once

and blew a load in it

and then fucking just put it

put it away

and then a couple days

later i grabbed it and it fucking stunk

like all get out

to look at this one

it’s a fake

vampire oh yeah

that’s the vampire

mouth the twilight series

what is wrong with people

if the aliens didn’t need more evidence

that were retarded

and it’s time to land

look at this fucking thing

look at this

thing can they see it yeah

come on man really

a fake vampire

mouthy fuck what

yeah they’re good though they’re great the fuck

as far as masturbation

concern if i’ll try one

and if you think

about it in like the terms

of just being pragmatic and doing body maintenance

when you shoot a load with this you’re

gonna shoot a bigger load and it’s gonna

take a couple more days for you to

build up no one

could call you a sellout for this

why would they

i saw traps blue ribbon

sponsor a tour and i like

switch beer and for a minute

i’m gonna get drunk anyway

who gives a shit what kind of beer i’m drinking

not selling out there’s something

about pap’s blue ribbon that’s become cool again

like the fact that it sucks yeah

it’s been that way for a while

yeah the fact that it blows

is the selling point yeah

it didn’t used to be right it used

to be it’s like the hipsters is the poor thing for

three dollar

pbr i just don’t like drinking out of cans on

stage that was

my big beef get a fucking bottle there’s a

dude is a comic out of new york

named john tobin

and when we were

i was living i know that name

he says a radio show and i

think in buffalo

somewhere in upstate new york

anyway yeah

when we were

i was in my

early 20s we got

fucking wicked

drunk on on 40

ounces like

black beer you know like old english and yeah i

drank king cobras once when i was 18 and i had just

moved to la and we drank

i know maybe

three of them and i was passed out on a sidewalk and

yeah we had

these and we watched

the show of the

movie super fly

and did commentary on

super fly just

two white guys talking like black guys

drunk out of

their fucking

mind on forties on forties

it’s a different kind of

drunk it’s a reckless

drunk it’s engineered

by the government it’s pretty pretty

clear alex jones

was saying that

something is

given men estrogen

which is causing men to be gay it was like toothpaste

or some shit

it was one of my favorite

ones he’s ever done my manager said he saw you on alex

jones i haven’t seen it yet

but he said it was hilarious how you bug to the camera

when he was

going fucking too

crazy you just look at the camera and go

well it was a double whammy of

crazy because i was on with

eddie bravo

and eddie bravo wants to talk

about chemtrails because

eddie bravo

i love him to death but

eddie bravo is convinced that the government’s

spraying shit on us

this is a fucking

crazy story

and i even tried to come to

eddie bravo with some science i said well

i know this dude who’s a pilot

and he explained to me that

those clouds are created by

a certain amount of moisture in the atmosphere

combined with the

turbines of the jet engine and it creates

these clouds that’s what happens

this video is on youtube man this video is

and he just won’t buy it man

he’s convinced so here we are i’m

trapped and alex jones

i’m doing a documentary on that

right now the government is

definitely spraying us

that’s a hell of an alex jones

man and that

eddie bravo is going yeah yeah when’s this documentary

coming out i’m going fuck

because you really think the government’s

spraying the population like they

have in a day why

wouldn’t they do it at night not only that

there would be a lot of people tuskegee airmen

yeah this is a gynec es

just cut to skis

yeah yeah that’s what it is a

giant one for the whole population it’s

not really working it’s kind of a real slow process

but they’re

gonna keep the

spray going

have you ever seen those

like trucks that go down your street and

spray for bugs like in the middle of the night like

that’s more

scary because that’s real shit

the government

definitely has worked on some weather don’t get me

wrong i mean i

think for sure they have

sprayed people at certain

point in time you know there’s

video and people

could say oh there was some shit

i’m sure they probably tried it

i mean but it’s probably very specific areas

and for a very specific reason

and some fucked up

experiment they didn’t let the

people know they were in on but i’m sure they did it

but they’re not doing it

every day aren’t

they here too aren’t

they here they’re getting

sprayed on too yeah

yeah man but i’m immune to that shit

he posted this one

photo that was really

crazy and then i went

and i was like wait

where was this

photo taken burbank airport no no no it was

right next to lax

and i’m like

because i found the

store behind him was like the

store so they

googled the name of that

store and i

found out that he was

right next to lax when he took that photo

he believes in it man

he believes that there

are i mean who knows i felt really bad on his

show because i couldn’t really like

you know bust on him

because i know him we’ve

known him for years alex

jones yeah but

i couldn’t take him seriously and i couldn’t he was

he evidently thought i was coming in as more of a

on his side guy really yeah because he hasn’t seen me

since we did that

kevin booth

dvd i always try to find

things that i do believe

i try to be as

friendly as possible with them i really like alex yeah

he’s a fun guy

i enjoy going to the

we went to the

fights with them we

ate with him we hung out with him he’s a good guy

he’s just he’s just

crazy and all

wound up and

everything so i always try to find some common ground

where i actually

agree on them

like i always

bring up some stuff like

you know like operation

north woods yeah that’s the one that’s the good one

and you know of course you can get into the

kenny assassination but that gets a little

grades like knows what really happened there

yeah i can’t

put together last year very well so fucking

yeah the further back in history

the more open to interpretation

there’s some

shit though that’s really interesting that he

turned me onto and one of them was

one called operation midnight climax

where the government ran

brothels in new york and in san francisco

and where they did lsd yeah

on the johns that’s true yeah

and he turned me on

and i was like

wow and again

once you see that

those things are real

north woods and

mkultra all that

then you go well

they could be doing anything

and then you realize

i don’t give a fuck

yeah i agree it

doesn’t affect my day

i’ve been coming to that

exact same conclusion that

there’s certain

things in life that you’re putting all

your energy towards and they’re not helping you at all

right you know nor are they

stopping anything you’re not helping the

cause you know

you’re not out there

but it is worth

i guess pointing out so that

maybe someone somewhere

along the line hears some of the shit you say and

laughs at it

and thinks maybe

you know it’s almost like moving

one direction or another it’s almost like being at a

magic show and being able to go

i know how you did that yes all right

you’re still

gonna have a show

i’m not gonna fuck up your

whole vegas

experience but i know how you did it

right so check it me so when some

comics yelling that out

maybe just makes them up their game

maybe that’s all it’s something

stuff i’m interested in

but i had to stop with that making yourself so

alex jones like

where you just i get

crazy yeah i’ll be at

three o’clock in the morning i’ll be fucking

clicking on some link

about some new loophole

that goldman

sachs use and some fucking matt ty eb

article and i’m just

gonna fuck it’s none

of your business

not only that

i don’t what the fuck am i

gonna do you know

what am i gonna do am i

gonna devote my

whole life to this

you know i’ve got shit i like to do yeah i

wanna know how many times alex

jones shows up at a city council meeting

about fucking

street sweeping laws or some not

something he can affect

yeah that’s interesting he probably

doesn’t ever do that yeah

what about i

would do that doug stan hope but right now

demons are ascending upon our government they are deep

embedded in our political system

doug stanhope

you go on the road you tell your jokes you

think all swell and good

because are you

dying fema camp

don’t worry

about the volume

i mean birds

i was trying to do my

my i can’t do

it well what’s his name fucking conspiracy theory oh

jesse ventura

that show made conspiracy theories look so bad like

what we don’t realize is rumfeld

he’s got are

you trying to tell me that

kennedy assassination

might have been

yeah one lone

nut really well that way

they overproduce

it so he sits down with his writers

like and they

they hip him to some conspiracy

that he’s not

aware of but i’m

gonna go right up

and then he’s surprised that a

former governor

just can’t walk into the cia and look at files

whenever he wants the former

president founded

this is ridiculous

here’s where your

rights are going

ladies and gentlemen

he talks like he’s got a little bit of a load in his

mouth just just like he licked the tip

it’s just floating around with her

from minnesota

governor from torah

did you see

him on opie and anthony when jim norton tore him apart

no no i didn’t fucking beautiful he got

douchey with norton he got

bully with norton

and the last

thing you should do is get

bullied with norton because

that’s what people have done to him his whole life

and he’s like fuck you

he’s like physically intimidating when he’s talking

about like a

legitimate question about

9 11 or whatever it is conspiracy theories and he’s

legitimately questioned him

you know in

a really not a condescending way at all

ventura gets fucking

crazy and then norton gets crazy back

and ventura

winds up leaving and walking off the show

do you want to hear

it do you want to hear it yeah here we go yeah let’s

play it’s great

because it’s like

but most comics were picked on

most comics were douched around when we were younger

and the last thing

comics like is a bully

right you know as someone like this

so this was like

when i heard it i immediately

texted him and

called him up and

when i saw him i

said it was the most awesome

thing i’d ever seen

it was beautiful because jim norton is a

fleshy ball of

150 pounds and

jesse ventura is a fucking former navy seal his big

giant head and he’s

what was he

getting in his face or something he just got

stupid with him you know it’s like the way he describes

things if i take this out of the

stand will it

no tell me the

goddamn comic

good keep trying to lean into it

yeah yeah the

stand is an awkward situation this

whole couch is a terrible idea

i mean something i

can’t look over there

because not only do i not like to see myself but it’s a

delay so i’m seeing

myself minutes ago i don’t have to look at it i’ll show

you something

yeah i don’t like looking at it

we used to have a chat

and the chat the problem with the chat is it

would be like

faggot suck that car come come come like the chat

would be like flooded

suck my nigger dick suck my nigger dick

like a hundred times in a row and you’d be like oh

it’s such a fucking outlet of hate the

whole internet

i never like

google search my name or anything like that

oh was that that was awesome

wow that was google saying

do not be smircus

every fucking show i do

people will yell out dmt

every show you

every show but fucking if people are yelling shit out

that’s and that was i never even really did

i talked about it on stage a few times but

yeah i heard the audio you talked about the time

where you and i did it

where i thought you were gonna die

but every fucking

show like it was like my closing bit for years it was

one of the weirdest

psychedelic situations

for the folks at home

doug and i were

doing the man show and it was like in the

death throws

right was i

yeah we’re here

because we had to

spend all night writing trying to save the fucking

thing we knew

it was a disaster we got fucked i mean look

we both appreciate the fact that everybody was

disappointed

by how that show came out but no one was more

disappointed than we were

the whole thing was a mess and

we don’t need to get into details but

if unless you want to no no no

it’s over it was terrible show

but there was some

great shit in it

i defy anybody

to watch the

my midget sketch

what is it another man’s

midget yeah was your sketch

i defy anybody to

watch that and

tell me that’s not hilarious were you trying to

steal the old

midget from the man show

and bring him over to the new man show with us

i mean it was it was the

wrong thing at the time because our show was not

anything the learning

experience was priceless

because that was my

first real television

and just knowing how they fuck it up we

could have done

something on the internet

we could have done something like internet

style where there was no

input whatsoever

and we could have had a

great fucking time right and

when they came to me with the idea the idea was we’re

gonna have nudity we’ll blur it out immediately i’m

thinking joey

d is gonna be

naked the beginning of

every fucking show

i was just telling someone

about that yeah

and then i said and what about

swears and they said you could

bleep it out bleep

out talk about whatever you want

they go it’s a good

thing if we get sued

this is what

stone stanley

guys told me

if we get sued it’s a good

thing yeah i’m like we are

gonna fuck shit up

i’m like i just can’t wait for abortion monologues and

fucking chaos and

when we got in there was a totally different

story soon as we got in

and the audience

wouldn’t have liked it any better no

they would have

still hated it but we

wouldn’t have had to fuck we

would have had to

bags on our heads

we would have had to rebuild and make a new audience

you know there was one

point in time when john stewart didn’t used to host a

daily show right you know people forgot

there was that

other guy and

it really we shouldn’t have called the demand

show we should have said

we are really into the idea of taking

over that time slot or that idea that doing this new

show they would have

told us to pound sand

probably go fuck ourselves we

might yeah yeah

they were convinced that that name was

gonna sell everything and that was

gonna be the big point

and his name

brand i’m like

but it’s not the same

show they’re not the same guys they’re not here anymore

none of the writers are here what the fuck you talking

about and you were doing

fear factor 14

hours a day that was

i got so greedy i was like i am

gonna have two shows at the same time and i was just

thinking of

stacking up that

money i could

never work again

never working

again i’m never working again

that was a dumb idea terrible idea you should

never do more than one

television if you

if you didn’t have to work

would you stop

no not stop doing stand up and maybe

i like doing the ufc too man

nothing i do right now is really work

between stand up i mean

i can regulate how many times a year i go out

and the ufc

it’s like i look forward to it it’s fun

it’s like what am i gonna do this weekend i

could stay at home and i can go to the movies or

i fly to indianapolis and i watch some dudes

beat the fuck out of each

other from five

feet away and i get paid for it i get to call it it

never feels like work

but if it was

like a sitcom or something like that yeah you

gotta shut it off

after a while

did you guys want to hear the

way that yes

yeah and let’s reintroduce this

okay this is so this is

jesse finchair on opie and anthony

and jim norton and him get into an argument right

you hear that yes

you sure that yes bodies identified

well we’ll just fly

with that what the hell my government told me that so

you know what

don’t believe my governor

you believe

saudi arabia’s got

over there flying

planes around

but here’s why i don’t believe my government

my government has lied to me so many times okay

fair enough

they lied to me

about the gulf of

target incident isn’t that pretty important yeah

you wanna go back

that far you

wanna go back that far with

kelly we can’t go back that

far in vietnam

you said to me that we were with those guys

because this happened in two thousand four now

so we’re not

going back that

far you said

we send our guys off to war without giving a shit

i’m telling you

that’s not true

when did you go to war

i’ve never been in the middle

so you don’t know but i say pull them out of

everything so because i’ve never been in the military

when we are attacked by i feel a nation

we should not it should be proven first

i feel we proved that you feel we didn’t you also feel

that fucking bush was behind nine eleven

so we’re always gonna disagree

don’t put fucking words in my mouth

you feel that the us government was behind it how is

that and i didn’t say that who do you think i just said

i just said it’s covering up we have not been told the

truth so you feel that well

okay wait a minute all right

if you’ll calm down a moment

you’re yelling you said the f word

you’re the governor please

i’m kind of like i’m on

yeah i’m on i’m on

jesse so yeah

you know you’re not

gonna let me talk

i’m out the door you’ve been talking the

whole time all you

do is yell over people and you don’t want to address

point by point

you act like we say send our boys to war fuck them

we’ve never said that i

agree with you but

i want to pull them out of germany i want to pull them

everywhere the us military

should never be

dying for other countries

i don’t care

what happens

get them out

of them i don’t care if kim

zardo takes this out

that’s not my business

i just think that if we are attacked

we have the

right to want our military to respond

so that’s not some war monger

saying fuck the boys send them over

that’s what i wanted to address

jesse just sits

and looks at jimmy why

awkwardly that was a fair

point i just made you were

wrong when you

said that i don’t know i didn’t listen hahaha

i talked over you

yes you’re just now yelling at me because

i’m not talking i’m not yelling at you i’m just yelling

about your point you accused

of something so it’s i’m accusing

you guys are just full of shit your

your warmongers

it’s like that’s not the

truth yeah yes

i stand corrected

thank you you’re a

great american

well how much i’m a great american but i’m not aware

when your country called you’re there hey

i’ve never been in the military

so you’re brave i’m a coward i have no

right we got let me stop there for a

second stop there for a second you know if you ever

listen to something and it was a long time ago

and you have it in your head as being one

thing and then

you watch it again

and you go wait a minute

well i remember when they had the loose change

guy on there and they fucking decimated him

but he’s not

he was not a performer he’s not in a position to

those guys the

fucking there’s so many new york guys and i

think jimmy norton is

funny is a great guy off the

cuff probably the funniest comic

when i saw when i saw the

video was originally

i must have not seen it all i must have saw just

jimmy shouting him down and he walked out of the room

i must not have seen the debate that went on the

discussion that

went on before it

i must not love

me too me too

i don’t remember that

i think i just remember him

standing up

at the point we’re

about to get

to i don’t remember that part at all if you

watch i just watched

the most dangerous man in america the daniel ellsberg

story what is that it’s a

he released the pentagon

papers he was a top

advisor to the pentagon during vietnam

and knew that it was all bullshit from the

gulf of tonkin

all this secret shit that we were doing and release the

papers to the new york times is

nixon called him the most dangerous man in america it’s

and it was like

twenty thousand pages

of all the fucking lies that you were told

about vietnam and

you watch that fucking

movie jim norton and tell me

that they don’t send

people into fucking to die for no reason

other than political

jim norton is a good

guy but he’s a republican he’s got like this right wing

lean to him it’s a lean

he goes conservative

and i think he does it

cause he gets support from them and i

think he likes it and i like the idea of it

and he’s correct

absolutely though a lot of people who are

liberals who call themselves

liberals are whiny

cunts who need to shut the fuck up oh yeah

no i think liberals fuck up more

stuff way more in my day

in my own personal life

yeah you can’t

smoke in bars that’s not republican

yeah you should be able to smoke

wherever the fuck you want if a bar decides they’re

going to stop smoking

and i understand it for the patrons that work there

but you can find plenty of patrons that

smoke and if

they want to quit well you know what they

should quit

the job and quit smoking okay you can’t be around

smoke i totally

understand your

point that it’s bad for your health

but there’s people that do

smoke could be more than willing to take those jobs

the old days when i was playing pool

all pool halls were smoking

and i didn’t mind

i liked it there’s something

about it man yeah

and i’m just i’m

using that as a frivolous example but it was the

first one that came to my but as far as the nanny

state itself is concerned

that’s mostly

liberal policy yeah

he so it’s norton’s anti

liberal you know and he’s

right there’s a lot of country fucking

throwing their

cigarettes out of

their prius how

many fucking times have you seen that i’ve seen that

seven times yeah

it’s cause it’s so ironic i always go number five

the fucking guy

throws the cigarette out of his prius the other day

with a meat is murder bumper sticker

i wanted to just

fucking grab him

and pull his head off

just just rip it

right off his fucking weak spine

just shut the fuck up

so i understand

where norton is coming from i

understand this rebellion

against but it’s

there’s absolute

proof that the

government has put people in harm’s way absolute

proof they’re profiting off yeah

relentless proof not just a few aberrations

but relentless over a course of time repeatedly

and no you don’t know

about it until

long years later so yes

the fact that i

would if i had to bet

money i would say

on some level

9 11 was an inside job on some level

but what they do is they take

every possibility

and combine them

as though they’re all actual facts they were not really

planes what we’re seeing are

drones ladies and gentlemen if you look

at the bottom

you can see the box very

clearly i’m looking at two

pixels one gray

one’s white i don’t know what the fuck

it is at all my fair is like there’s no parts of the

plane that went into pentagon but yet you look at a

picture and was like there’s this big parts everywhere

you know yeah there’s fucking broken

wheels and shit that plane

hit the pentagon for sure

there’s a video of

and people like the

video doesn’t look like a plane like

the fuck do you know it’s one

frame things go on

500 miles an hour

and it slams into a

building and explodes and why do you

think it’s a missile

it could be anything it

could be throwing a football

you know it

doesn’t matter

like there’s little

things like the fact that they show a lady

hanging out the

whole of the

world trade center whether the

plane made a hole

waving for help

and you’re thinking just logically

okay if it’s hot enough to melt

steel how is that

woman sitting there in a

dress waving out the window

how is she not on fire

so stuff like that

yeah that yeah

and maybe there is a

scientific explanation

for that well that is disinformation’s all

about right you say some

absolutely ridiculous

things like what people don’t know

ladies and gentlemen there were ufos

stationed in new jersey

they needed a distraction to get out of the state

they’ll add shit like that to

shit that’s real

right and then we’ll back

it all up exactly that’s what

jesse ventura

show did for

everything it was talking

about by being overproduced

yeah and acting like he never

are you telling me that yeah

we better get out

the files wait this is your tv

show you just walked in and you didn’t know what it was

gonna be about

well you know once you’re on the set what are you

gonna do if you’re anthony bourdain you

gotta eat the

snails here you are

another nine eleven

thing was the

the amount of people on

those planes

cause you and i we fucking fly for a living and when

you go there is like

thirty percent capacity

how often do you get on a fucking

plane where

there’s only

a third full

yeah very rarely

but oliver see

so again there’s

things that made me you

brought up building

seven questions

building seven’s the big one tonight

building seven’s the one

and i don’t

claim any knowledge okay this is a

people get all frantic when you

start you’re questioning the fucking official

story so what are you a

truther you and a fucking nine eleven

truther like

you it’s just interesting to me i don’t give a fuck

i didn’t i don’t know i don’t like new york

i was in irvine last

night that fucking horrible spectrum center this

adult destination mall and i said

i i said a fucking 9 11 happened here i don’t

think it would make national news

maybe maybe one

local guy would write

a letter to the editor

complaining

about how it ruined his reservations at pf jack’s

that’s pretty funny

but yeah i’m interested

but i don’t i don’t care it doesn’t affect my day

well i i i’m fascinated and i’m interested

and i do care i know you know all jokes aside

a lot of people died there and people knew people who

but people die

everywhere all the time

and it’s crazy

that you were we don’t such an influx of knowledge

right now that you can go online

and find some shit that you

should care about

and i had to fucking cut

my list is full

yeah we care

about enough already the

connections that we’re supposed to have

the people that we don’t know because they were born

in connecticut as opposed

to people that we don’t know that were born in iraq 80

i’m not buying that

that’s where it gets

ridiculous it’s like

with the connection

of information that we have with the internet

at a certain

point in time they’re not

going to be able to keep selling the

whole idea of

a planet or of

an individual country

or an individual

state they’re

going to have to eventually

just we’re gonna have to go to one one

one world government

you have to you know pro

new world order in that

sense yeah we have to be the same thing

we can’t be

fighting over each

other because

you know this

guys are like a million people die in iraq and amber

goes hey longs it

doesn’t happen over here

but it is that is over here it’s just

over here over there

it’s the same

thing some people

you don’t know that were born somewhere else

who fucking got jacked

like yeah and if we tore down borders i

could stop caring

about people closer to me

yeah it’s like you get

trapped in that

whole idea of you know this is my team

these are my people and

you know someone fucking plays a country

music song and

throws up a flag and i’m in fuck it it feels good

yeah feels good to be in right

right feels good to me

god bless america

feels good singing around with a

bunch of other people and you’re all

drinking where are

resilient people how is that

fucking badass

motherfuckers on the planet whoo

on july fourth

on a blanket

eighteen and you’re

drunk yeah and that’s how people get recruited

that’s how that’s what happens you know you

should it would be

great if if

generations didn’t overlap

what do you mean

to carry on the nonsense that if there was a

great ever if people like we just showed up now

with all the

you know the

basic skills motor skills that you know

instincts but we

still had the

innocence and ignorance of a baby

like one generation dies and then the next day the next

generation starts

so they can’t pass down

ridiculous notions like nations and

you ever stop and think when you see all this

crazy shit and this is what i’m on lately

they ever stop and think

about all this nonsense that keeps carrying on despite

the access to information that we have

and you ever look at it and go

maybe this is like a natural pattern

you know i’ve got this thing i’ve been tripping out on

about like animals

and natural instincts and like

we look at like wolves and we see the alpha

force the beta out of the pack we know he’ll likely

die on his own and we go hey you know that’s just

it’s hard as fuck to be a wolf you

know and they have to do that that’s natural

and we look at bees making beehive that’s all natural

but we never look at ourselves

as the direction we’re moving in is natural just

maybe possibly

super fucking incredibly complex but

ultimately natural

and this idea of

you know that we have so much control and so much

power over our future

maybe that’s a crock of shit

maybe the reason why all this nonsense is in

place is because

that’s like

almost a universal

order to keep this process moving

and the direction

it’s supposed to be moving in that was what i

probably didn’t get the word in edgewise but with alex

jones he was said

he was trying to make the

point because i

you know hugely

against procreation

and he was saying well you know

how fucking

if we don’t keep making

smart people then fucking dumb people

are you gonna have a fuck off

yes you will always be outnumbered and eventually

yes smart people don’t have to

exist well if

smart people stop procreating then you give the

earth to the dumb

and you don’t

fucking create poor bastards who have to suffer in it

i used to think that

until i had kids

i used to think that

like procreation like who gives a fuck what are you

gonna make another person does it matter

and then once i had kids i

started realizing well this can be fun

you can enjoy the shit out of this and you can make

these little

happy people

and it makes your life more happy

and it makes

their life happy

you get a chance to make this little person to

raise them happy i don’t

claim to have any

information

about what the fuck is

going to happen to the world

and although i take

your similar cynical view that

we’re fucked we’re

going on a certain road

overpopulation the

pollution of the environment nobody seems to care the

corporateization of

these small countries

and fucking rob them with

their resources and pollute

them and this and that and war and fucking chaos and

where the fuck is it all

going to go

i’m not completely convinced

i don’t think i have the answer i don’t think i

could have ever imagined that this

could have taken

place if i was

a monkey i could

never imagine that we’d be doing a fucking podcast

right now just sitting in my office

just shooting the shit and it

would spread through the internet

and you can do whatever the fuck you wanted and

that this would be the kind of

thing where you could

reach people

i get emails from people from australia

from fucking tanzania

i get italy

china i get

emails from all over the world

somehow i know that this is happening and

some of them say you suck

a lot of them

do i suck in

china most of my

emails honestly are really positive

every now and

then i get some u mail

youtube douchey

mail but i like to

think that’s

always one guy too there’s just one guy the only

douchebag that’s always the douchebag

but what my

point was that i

could never have imagined this taking place

so why am i pretending that i know how this is all

going to turn out

why am i pretending

that i have a little fucking doom man

it’s coming

apocalypse for sure

no not necessarily but that’s

when i stopped giving a fuck is when i realized i’m not

gonna procreate so it

doesn’t matter duncan

trussell mind fucked me last week

was it monday when did we do this

duncan monday

duncan mind fucked me on monday

by saying something

like how do we know how long we get to live for

and he was talking

about reincarnation he was like

maybe we live forever

maybe reincarnation is

you live this life and then

you think you’re fucking

going off a bridge in a truck

and you know you wake up from the

dream like fuck i almost died but you did die

and you’re just in this new

thing now yeah but

his life with embedded memories and embedded ideas

and you keep

going on and on

and there’s times

where i stop back and i look

at my past and i’m not i’m not convinced that was me

look dude see

these right here

these are all my martial arts medals

these are all from taekwondo tournaments when i won the

us open and a

silver medal in the us cup

we had a problem

ladies and gentlemen

you know what the make me hard sign

but anyway i don’t believe i won

those i don’t believe i really used

to do that i don’t believe i know how to do it still

and i go out i’ll hit the bag

or something like that i go on yeah

i guess i really

know how to

do that like somehow i know that’s in my head

but i don’t believe that that’s really me

you know that was

those so many years ago it’s a different

human being

every cell in your body’s replaced every

seven years yeah

you know it’s weird

about his uh

theory by the way i thought of this

afterwards unfortunately but

i understand what he’s saying

where you you wake up you’re like oh you know you

might have just reborn or whatever

right but you’re

still getting old the whole time

doesn’t matter

doesn’t matter you

might be right

the memory of you getting old is this life

you don’t know

whether or not the memory of you getting old is

just taken from another life or not you have no idea

you have no idea how long you’ve been here

it’s all nonsense

every time you wake up you’re

trusting that you’re on the same track

in the same game

that you’re you know

in the same fucking

movie and then the same

memento yeah

every time you wake up

look everybody’s

scared to die but nobody’s scared to go to

sleep and they

ultimately seem to be the same thing

i mean chemically they’re even the same thing your

brain produces dmt when you’re in rem

sleep and they believe it also produces it when you’re

about to die

and they think that’s responsible for all these

crazy near death

experiences and you know

you’ve had dmt you know what the fuck i’m talking about

if you didn’t know that that existed

and then someone

was trying to describe it to you they

would do it no justice

right they’d be like you

could talk you

could talk all day

yeah you can’t

describe it as what you always say before you try

and that shit’s happening to you

every night

and you’re gonna die and that shit’s

gonna happen to you when you die

we don’t know what the fuck we are

we do not know this is real

you assume that it’s real because

i’m agreeing it’s real and your ingredients

are real and we’re all in a room together

but this is all just

trust i’m just

trusting that you guys are even fucking real

you know i’m

trusting that you know what i’m saying

i’m trusting that

this day that i woke up

isn’t some new life that i just

started because i was some fucking

trucker in iceland

and i went into a frozen lake

you know who the fuck knows

you’re the only one that exists too

could be could be

it could be

everyone else is just

a part of your

brain well you

know that’s the theory there’s a lot of people

who subscribe to the theory that the reason why the

world is ending is because your life is ending

and your life is really

the creator of this universe and you this universe all

exists in your mind

and as you get closer to death

the world becomes more and more fucked up

fascism and fucking government control and their

chips in my brain

right really

and it was just always old people that

do that the most

sure it’s not like it was and

those you’re not like you were and

those old people by the way are in your mind

how about that how about

those old people aren’t even real

right the old people in your mind that

are playing this fucking game out with you yeah but

if you knew that if you knew that was the case it

would fucking ruin your day

what it though

i would still

enjoy the fuck out of it i still

enjoy it like it’s just a strange ride

didn’t you see groundhog day though

he didn’t enjoy that

yeah but that

was different the same fucking life over and over again

brian slightly

different we’re not talking

about slightly different

every time if i if i

if i consent that you

are just part of my imagination and i’m creating you

then that would suck

well the real question is what the

fuck that would suck

would a guy

why i’d wake up

every day and go what

should i have joe rogan do today

no since i made him up

no it’s not just me it’s you

you’re living in your imagination

i know i would hope that i have

a better imagination than my

it’s fucking fantastic look

if i am let me tell you something

right now if i am just a player in your imagination

i am honored at what you’ve created i

have you like fucking fly

across the room no

no no no no and kick

brian in the chest

with my imagine

like no you’ve done an amazing job

with your imagination

as a bit player

in your imagination i just want to tell you

thank you very much for

everything you’ve created

the pores it’s all brilliant

it’s brilliant

it’s brilliant i’m making you blow

smoke up my

ass no you you are

the master you’re the man behind the curtain

you don’t even

know exactly

what i’d have

you say if you were in my imagination listen

you’ve done an amazing

job what you’ve done in afghanistan the quagmire

you know what i really love i really love the drug war

references that you

throw into it

the fact that we’re over there

in afghanistan and they produces ninety percent of the

world’s opium

i love how you

made my imagination not only

would you be

heaving compliments upon me but

you’d give me

vaginas in a can to fuck

i want to lasso

you with the rubber dick

i want to thank you for the pouty lip stuff

yeah man i love

those myspace

pictures that you created

i love how you

made justin bieber justin bieber’s brilliant brain tape

right when you

think it’s over

right when you

think it’s over well there’s

gonna be no more no more no more

boom a new one more

ridiculous than ever before

that’s a fucking i

i don’t know why i know

i have to know who that guy is i don’t

watch any shows like that

i don’t even listen to music

but i know who justin bieber is i don’t

watch gossip

fucking show

it’s something

you could bury me in the ground under

eight feet of fucking soil

and leave me there like a fucking

david blaine trick

and i would

still somehow

find out who justin

bieber is and not know why i don’t know why either i

haven’t even

heard his voice i

do not even know what his

voice sounds like i want to get

yogurt with him

i don’t know what he looks like

i just know the name and he’s a big pop sensation cnn

com i go to for my mainstream news

okay i go there and there’s an

article kim

kardashian upset

about playboy

pictures she’s

upset cause some

pictures when she

posed for playboy in 1997 got released

and somehow they’re on the internet

that’s like

tiger woods

getting pissed off because they showed a fucking

old golf game

right you know like

what the fuck are you talking

about this is like real news

how do i know

about this i can’t stop reading

i wanna know the details

what happened oh well the guy who did the playboy

shoot he had a

bunch of images that were unreleased

and finally he released them

that motherfucker

especially since

you can get pissed

after you’ve had that porn

video either that porn

video was like one

of the dirtiest porn

videos i’ve ever seen

fucking throbbing

black dick okay

big black dick i

don’t know confident

young black man who’s

handsome and athletic

and she was sucking his hard

black dick that’s a wrap

you can’t complain

about anything

you crazy bitch

you made a video i

don’t know why i know her

i mean i know you know

her you know her because she

wants you to know her

and i fucking hate it

it’s brilliant

out of my head i do hate it but i don’t i love it

i love it i love the re tarnation of it all i mean we

again we would be out of business

yeah i didn’t have

everything in the

world to hate

we would be fucking

but we wouldn’t be funny

we wouldn’t be

funny if we didn’t we have

fucking name tags on right now

we have to have our hair cut over our collar

if i didn’t know who fucking kim kardashian

was i don’t

agree with the

whole buddhist monk

ideology of living wearing

robes no masturbation no fun

because then you miss out on some of the fun of hating

you missed out on some of the fun

there’s like a part of me that knows that this is the

wrong path to enlightenment when i

start shitting on people and fucking torturing them

but there’s another part that goes fuck you stupid

you fuck and

i’m trying to figure out the way

the internet

is it’s only a matter of time and it’s actually

going on now before the

just regular civilians

are open to the same kind of fucking hate mail

yes internet

trash talking that we deal with on a regular basis

where you know you go out to lunch

on a date with some

woman and she goes

puts on her facebook he had

stinky breath and he’s fat and it was boring

and she links to your facebook

well no the guy’s

gonna someone

from fucking 4chan finds it

and they start a threat

on and it’s

wned you know

email this guy your your fucking

you know consolations but you’re

gonna find out what people really

think about you and you’re not

gonna like it and it’s

gonna change what we take for

granted as just being honest

versus being civil

and people are really

gonna have to

start just like in

owning who they are

yeah i agree

and i think another

thing that’s

gonna happen is that this is only one

stage and an endless

stage of disclosure

and what we’re at

right now is the beginnings of

transparency

between all people and all information of all acts

everything you’ve ever done

everything you’ve ever thought

right we’re eventually

gonna be able to

literally sync up to one fucking hive mind it’s

gonna happen

google yeah it

might be google

right right google

might be skynet yep

well whatever you know

it’s inevitable i mean everybody wants

to look again

make me hard

ladies and gentlemen

the sign that keeps falling for the

folks that are on itunes that don’t get to see this

when doug and

i were on the man show i know we complained but

this is pure evidence yeah

that was the

best story about make me hard we

had a game show that we created called make me hard and

it was one of the best

things we did when it actually turned out

and the reason why it was one of the best

things we ever did is

because there was tranny

cock in it was tranny

cock yeah but

the show was called make me hard

and then when we

actually made the show

and when we

talked to the comedy

central people and everything

they didn’t

like hard hard was too dangerous they wanted it to be

make me stiff

and we were

like what the fuck is the difference the most this was

right up to the argument

right before we’re

about to tape to so

art department has to rush

they allowed fucking full

open tranny

cock open tranny

cock because we’re

gonna blur it out

simulated fellatio on a banana by a midget

this is what happened all the language this was the gig

there was a kid

they would strap them to a

chair and they

would put this harness

back up because

a lot of people probably don’t remember make me

laugh was a game show

where people

tried not to

laugh while

comics try to make them

laugh guys would get in

their face and say

silly things

so make me hard

we set them up

where they had this box on

their package

and we would decide

when it lit up indicating that they had an erection so

they had to try

to not get a boner during

these sexual

so of course it

would go off

midgets would eat bananas it

would go off and we had this

really hot tranny

she was so hot

that eddie bravo and i were at the comedy

store one night

and we were coming down we had a park at the

hyatt the comedy

store parking lot was full

and we’re coming

down the ramp but she was coming up and

eddie’s going

god damn that

bitch is hot

look this chick coming up right now

whoa she’s so pretty i go

that’s a dude i’ve seen his dick

that’s a lot yeah

like her name is vanity and she’s

totally believable if you ever

think that you can’t get tricked

by a tranny

there’s no way i

would know you

wouldn’t know

you wouldn’t care

yeah she blew a dude we know

and yeah just did it because

twice yeah twice

once on the set

and then once

and then she called him

after she was at her

hotel and he

went back the

next day or something he’s so hot we’re calling him

her name was vanity and you can find her like i

think it’s vanity

ts you google

i found it short of people

who’d blame him

so anyway the guy is

strapped to this

table and she

climbs all over him and

he licked her tits right

i can’t remember

poor fucking guy we tortured this guy’s memory forever

so he’s like everyone’s

going yeah yeah yeah people cheering

and then she pulls out this

tranny dick

that looks like a poisoned

monkey dick

that’s what it looked like

it looked sick

it had been hit with so many female hormones

it was like an old man in a wheelchair

that’s what a dick looked like

and she pulled it out

black it was

black is it functional

at all or is it just a

bunch of snow

no it’s done it’s all done i mean it’s just

hanging off

maybe it probably feels good when you suck it still

you know even a soft dick feels good if you suck it

right but i don’t

think i don’t think

unless she pops viagra

maybe she could

pop viagra and have

still have a hard dick

but she’s just so full of

female hormones or he is

do you know it was something that’s kind of

crazy and i

before i shouldn’t have ever said this but now i

think i can

do it i used to

start reading penthouse

magazine recently

right and there was this

thing at the end of the

magazine that said

coming next

month pet of the

month and there was this girl’s

photo and stuff like that

so i became friends with her on twitter

just to follow her around to see who this girl is

and then the following

month she wasn’t

to the ped of the

month and then so then i

started following her twitter a little bit more and

she’s a guy what

and they just kind of

kind of like

they just swept it

under the rug yeah

so a dude snuck in

and became a penthouse pad

with a fake

vagina they obviously

did a photo

shoot because it was saying what’s this dude’s name

i don’t remember man it was like

and you gotta come to the

table it was

like where’s alex

jones on this way i

could tell you what

months it was it was like june

well how about this how

about you google that shit

find out i don’t

think it’s no one

caught it i

think really i

think i just

noticed it because i followed her on twitter why do you

think she’s a dude

because she’s a dude if you

know cause you sucked his neck no

if you looked at her and then she talks

about it she was talking

about it on her twitter for a

while she was talking

about being a dude yeah and then

her twitter just went away

whoa they paid her off

you think they

paid her off i killed her

she’s fucking can you

imagine if you were she a

truck driver and

this is all allegedly let’s just say you’re a

truck driver in cincinnati

and you beat off to the fucking july

edition of penthouse and you find it was a dude

he probably got a good lawsuit

some fucking

like it was like well you look

at a gay bomb

i just want to know why they didn’t notice that it

maybe how could you tell

maybe she has a disease

maybe or something

what maybe she’s

amaphronite

maybe she has a disease

what the fuck does that mean brian

something bad

that world the

whole world the fucking sex world

that’s a strange

world yeah yeah it’s pretty fucking

i don’t hate to

use the word shallow

yeah but yeah it’s but that

using the word gives a

different connotation than what i mean but they really

there’s not it’s

like sex itself there’s not a lot of ways to go with it

right alright i

stuck my dick in a can

alright is it different

does not so the people that are involved in that

tend to be people who are

easily amused

yeah what i always said

about like there was a

bunch of friends who

they took me to this marijuana policy project

thing at the playboy mansion

and they were all going off

on the mansion no

hefts the fucking

man look what heft did look what heft that

and i stopped

about i go do you guys

understand there’s a big difference between

being attracted to girls like you are

right now you guys are attracted to girls there’s a

giant difference between that

and making a living taking

pictures of them

naked so guys can beat off

and that’s the

whole world you live in and you have a mansion

and you pay them to hang out with you because you

think that it’s a cool image

so you have all

these girls that you’re

you have the payroll

and you’re this old dude like you’re

the fucking man that’s one of my favorite fucking

bits you ever did

other half a bit yeah

those lucky

lucky girls

there’s something fucking creepy

about that there’s creepy

about anybody that’s getting

money off of

other people being

naked and they’re rich

and the people who

think they’re poor

right like that’s that’s yeah and

again it’s all it is is fucking

nudity and fucking yeah

it’s like playing a kazoo

you know there’s only so many fucking

you can put a

whole bunch of kazoos

together and make a kazoo orchestra it’s just

that is true

music at the end of the day but

that is true but if you’re a

young raging man with a fucking throbbing boner and a

strong sex drive

right and you’re you know

you’re 20 you know 1920

and you’re hanging out in vegas

and you’re at a club and you’re banging new

chicks every night

that’s exciting

right no it is

it is but that is a

market that’s been created

by the false morality in

people that are

against sex and make it this difficult

thing to obtain

if people were just fuck

right away and

get that out of your

system you could

like europe

well i don’t

know no they’re more liberal

but yeah that

again you don’t see when

you go to europe you don’t see the shit we have here

fucking sex

and advertising and titties on a billboard because

it’s not built up to be that big a deal such you know

such a yeah

what’s the word

fucking holy grail

just to see titties

so they don’t

it doesn’t have the

leverage over there that it does here

it’s like remember we both grew up in massachusetts

and a lot of catholics in massachusetts

catholic school girls

i mean it’s a fucking it’s a joke it’s a long

standing joke

right why are catholic

school girls whores

i mean not whores why are they freaks

why are they

freaks they’re

freaks because

that’s the last

thing their parents want

right that’s the last

thing the parents want to control them the fucking

teacher wants to control them

they make them wear

crazy outfits

then also those outfits become hot

you want to fuck them because they’re wearing

those outfits

is that the most ironic

cheerleader leaders catholic

school girls

and fucking

that outfit

schoolgirl outfit

that’s the outfit i like it

like old guys when you’re like

watching football and thanksgiving and

like yeah i’d

watch it just for the cheerleaders

like you’re from a such a repressed

sexual place that just a girl that’s

vaguely skimpy

growing up oh oh oh death

unbelievable

do you watch mad men

i’m fucking absolutely

i heard it’s awesome

it’s fantastic it really

if you look at it it is a glorified soap

opera but that era is

so well done i’m not

totally familiar

with the show i’ve only seen like little clips

advertising from the 1940s or 50s

late 50s early 60s

here’s what i know

about that show there’s a

breadhead on

that’s ridiculously hot

yeah she’s pretty hot

she’s got fat this year it’s a big to do what

she’s gotten

yeah she’s gotten

wider in the legs

a little lazy

it became some big to do where yeah

cause people have

pointed out that she got fat and then there’s the

other how dare you say

she’s fat that

season one money

like you wouldn’t be

happy to be with her

but then why can’t she get fat

she’s a professional hot

chick she can’t get fat she’s just i’m saying she’s fat

fat is a description

you decide it’s an insult

yeah that’s true

it’s a description

totally true indian you’re indigenous

right it’s a description you’re fucking tall you’re

short you’re fat

i used to have a joke

about mexicans it wasn’t

about mexicans but it was

about the roswell incident

where you know they the aliens

you remember

the joke was

no i don’t remember the joke but

the joke was

you put roswell and it’s

gonna be a mexican

joke i’m already kind of well

the joke was that the government released

they had a press release to say they had a crash ufo

and alien bodies and

the alien bodies is bullshit i

did it just to

make the joke better

and then the next day they say they came

out and say oh we made a mistake it was just a balloon

and i said what

about the aliens

those are mexicans they were on a balloon they were

drinking some shenanigans took place

i said that in one

night at the comic

store and this

chick yelled

out hey yeah

like describing mexican

as a mexican like

i said anything

wrong with mexicans

i’ve never had an anti

race joke in my entire life but any race

so to think that i

would do it

about mexicans but

just that i said mexican

it was like she had a

right to stand up

hands on hips

long nails stretched out

hey like she

found a fucking she

found an opening i had to stop

i had to stop my show and address the

issue oh i still

don’t know if

she was something you’re not supposed to say

my friend brian once got mad at me

night this brian

brian fraser a writer

there was something

happened and i said i was trying to chew you down

and he’s jewish

and he was super

super sensitive and he got really mad at me it was

right i mean

it was kind of a

racist statement

but so but but

i’m italian and if you said oh

look at this fucking

dopey guinea

you know with his gold

chain and his

stupid slicked hair i would

start laughing

you know it’s not me okay

it’s what are you acting like a guinea

you know if i had a

chain on he was like what

are you acting like a guinea

i wouldn’t be upset

but jew you down like someone’s trying to jew you down

that’s a particularly insulting sort of a demeaning

expression about jewish people and he

got that they

try like a margaret yeah

they’re a little bit frugal

no fiscally

responsible

again it’s a

self imposed oh

shit i’m gonna be

he got so mad once

this fucking guy

brian was he’s a really

funny guy he was a

great comic

but a really high strung guy and

he stopped doing comedy i

think he just writes now

we had a gig together for months

and by the way

he was a bodybuilder at the time and all natural

but enormous

proof positive you don’t

have to do steroids to get big because i know this guy

never did anything he was eating like

broccoli and

never even took vitamins

but he just was obsessed and had

giant muscles

to the point

where i had to tell him

you can’t go on stage with

t shirts on

like you go on

stage with t

shirts you’re scaring the fuck out of people

you don’t look

funny you don’t look funny

you don’t need to wear

a suit or a long

baggy shirt that

covers you up you’re intimidating

i can’t look at anything but you on

stage with these

giant muscles

so we did this gig together on the road

and he had a sore throat

and he was apologizing for the sore throat

you know he’s like i’m

sorry to the guy who run the club and

he goes i’m

sorry i was

a bit sick all

these guys please you were hilarious he killed

it was great you guys were awesome

and he goes i’m just

sorry i just really

i wish i could have done a better show

he was really just a nice guy

and the guy goes

relax really complaining

what are you jewish

he says it’s cause

brian had a crew cut and he has blonde hair

but yes he’s jewish

his fucking name is brian frazier

like frazier’s a jewish name like you

wouldn’t even put that together

but then you think joe frazier frazier

is a jewish name isn’t it german

i have no idea i

wouldn’t i wouldn’t see frazier and i would see frazier

i’d say frasier’s a german name though

isn’t it true

you know i don’t know the

whole okay it’s not

lebowitz it’s not obvious but

i mean the guy look

he’s blonde he’s blonde and he does not look jewish

and he’s a bodybuilder

he looks like

some dude you pulled out of a farm in iowa and he’s

ready to fucking

kick your ass and date rape your sister

right that’s what he looks like but he’s a nice guy

brock lesnar

is what you’re saying exactly you can’t say

because you’re artist

so he goes fucking nuts and he can’t talk

cause his voice is quiet

you fucking asshole

i am jewish

and he’s red in the face and this guy can’t realize

that he’s telling he’s being serious for like the

first couple seconds

i’m like fuck what am i

gonna do here i’m like what am i gonna

fight my friend to keep him from killing this asshole

i’m like i’m here in vermont i’m

thinking i’m

gonna go to jail i’m running through this hall

and brian is just big

giant tree trunk neck

you fucking asshole

i am jewish any serious

and the guy has to realize that he’s serious and

brian is like leaning over the desk

like screaming in the guy’s face

so what happened i have

to talk him down and nothing happened this is fucking

anticlimactic

story of course he’s jewish

jews are very

upset about

being called jewish

but the senior

waiting the jewish

well he was jewish people complain yeah

they just complain a lot they’re

never gonna really do anything right

what why you why you have such a sense of guilt

what are you jewish i’m sorry i got that from

every fucking jewish comic i’ve ever heard

that’s why i say that i’m sorry

yeah there’s a lot of guilt going on in the jew world

again if ari shafir has the best story

about being you know

ari was raised like really

strict orthodox jewish and

he had to read the tom wood

like ten hours a day he

lived in israel like he did the whole deal

and he said that

they told him that masturbating when you masturbate

your seed when it

leaves your body goes into a

demon and gives

birth to handicapped babies

which is true

absolutely true

could you fucking imagine if somebody

that’s that’s what your mom was telling you and

you’re like oh my god i know this can’t be real but i

gotta go with it

this crazy bitch i’m

never gonna figure out like

walking through the ball and apologizing to people in

wheelchairs and

when i was in the

first grade i went to catholic

school and i can very remember very clearly

thinking that i’m fucked

cause i know

i don’t know what life is all

about but i know

these assholes don’t either and they’re the ones are

gonna tell me

they’re the ones

gonna tell me and i’m fucked

i’m fucked cause they’re not telling the

truth and they’re not

right and i’m fucked

i remember that

that thought i really remember it from being like six

that’s a terrible fucking feeling for a kid

to think that

the people that are that are raising you are retarded

no wait what’s

going on i’m

gonna jerk off into

a demon’s pussy

and it’s gonna make a retard baby really

really yeah you got a fucking

video of this

you know could

you just why are you just saying this

you just you know because it was written somewhere

and you’re gonna

teach me and i’m five you fuck

i always it was

no that was

sorry that was someone else i was just talking to

no i thought i was just telling him this it was that

stupid meeting i had with that lawyer guy

but yeah i would yeah duncan

hopes lawyered

up ladies and gentlemen

i am lawyered up

looking high

power duncan

crazy the guy showed me he had

an autographed

sheet of acid

from timothy leary

that’s a good lawyer that’s

when that’s on your lawyer’s wall

that guy might go to jail too yeah what

he’s going to jail first

i’m sure it’s not he’s going to jail acid

he’s going to jail

first and you have to wait five years

with the artwork

before you write the book you have to wait five years

that’s the court ordered

thing i know there’s profit off of it for five years

after he goes to jail i had a fucking great joke that

there’s a statute of limitations like this 13 more

months before i could do it

really yeah i’ll tell you out there wow

this is awesome

one of the fucking coolest

things about being friends with doug stanhope

i get to know the joke

you bitches don’t get to know shit

it’s weird having material that you can’t do for 13

months yeah

you know what you should do

how strong is this

story how strong is the story

well the story itself is

strong but this is what i think we

do but there’s one joke

well the story itself i think this is what we should do

i’m actually doing

the joke i just had to change it around a little bit oh

you know what’d be cool though is if you had a show

where you organize a show like say in

phoenix denver whatever pick a city

and then told everybody online

in fourteen months or

you know thirteen

months two weeks

i’ll be well

i do it on the fucking road if it were

a decade ago

subject to us

mother mother

okay oh you know you know

right oh the

mother did something that you perhaps

could be legally responsible for

some along those lines yes it’s just

you’re talking

about right

and i’m talking

about yeah mother

mother we had our

own hand yeah

but that’s yeah

all we needed

yeah we had

our moms on the

the man show

yeah it was cool it was really fun oh yeah

but i realized that my mom was not nearly as

crazy as your mom your mom’s way more fun

my mom was boring but

your mom your mom’s hilarious

your mom used to review porn dude

we had doug’s mom reviews porn

was the best bit that we did

she was so terrified

about that and she

moved to la to be an actress

and she did all these like

independent

films for no money and

stuff but when it came to working with me

she didn’t even want me there she was so nervous

about me being there and me

thinking she was

funny she was

great she was

great your mom was hilarious

and the whole idea just the beautiful

thing was like you have this new

vehicle for writing comedy you can

write through your mom and your mom was

going to do it in

these sketches and it was

fucking great

really i mean

the move would be honestly to just have

only right for your mom

we give her

everything well no she

tried to do

stand up comedy and it was

one of the most terrifying

awful that’s when i met you i

think she had been on

stage at the

night i met you at douglas didn’t we

it was called

union it was next door to douglas

right right

right yeah you’re right my

mother had gone up to do open mic and it was so

awful it was like the

worst fucking comedy

you’ve ever seen

and everyone knows me and i

think you were there

kind of remember it now it’s one of

those things

where you just you just

how do you guys meet

where you dusty what

were you doing

at the time when you it was a

show at this bar next to dublin’s it was i’d heard

about him i’d heard

about him from uh

joe diaz we got

this radio stand up so

funny motherfucker you

gotta meet that kid

he’s good we on

fucking funny

yeah i think he was

yeah that’s what that’s what joey said he’s one of us

yeah we’re real deal

where’s joey i don’t know he’s in hollywood

i saw him i

haven’t seen him for years i try to

bring him tonight yeah i get to get his

number i lost all of fucking

when i lost my

phone what the fuck thug stanho

not gonna lose my

phone i twittered my

phone number accidentally

oh yeah i think

i saw that somewhere trying to send it to doug benson

doug benson was

going to the

vegas for a

ufc and i was like

here’s my number get in

touch with me get there fuck

i realized once i sent it out that i sent it out to the

whole world or at

least a hundred thousand people

fuck that was it so i got

how many calls did you get my phone my phone

i would turn it on and would have so many texts

that the text would be coming in

every time i vibrate with a new text

it would get to a certain

point was like a hundred hundred

fifty and two hundred and

where the phone would just bang shut off and reboot

wow the blackberry

would go black and it would reboot

right on they don’t have in my

girlfriend was on my facebook and accidentally

went like online

so it shows that you’re online

to all your facebook people’s in the fucking chat

things just

start popping up

so it’s like

a fucking shut this off

i don’t have that set up like that i don’t

think no you

just have to turn it on your yeah she had it

she accidentally

turned it on somehow

i don’t mind

twitter and

stuff like that but

you can’t let everybody let’s

like when we had the chat online with the the podcast

it was just too much too much access

right too much freedom

fucking anonymous cunts

broken bottles up

their assholes

smashing keyboards

fuck you you fuck you know

too many of them

and it’s too many

that’s what i

get into with the

mother thing

like i would i used to be able to tell

jokes yeah i’ll take one definitely

i’d be able to talk

about shit like that on the road

ten years ago because

they didn’t have

the fucking youtube everyone with a cell phone came

what you do is you i won’t tell

those stories on

stage because

there’s one of you little fucking rat fucks

finks out there

that’s got a youtube it and

then put it

whatever it is i fucked around on my

girlfriend last night i

would fuck around on

girlfriends all the time and if it was a

funny story i

would tell it on

stage the next night

cause they don’t know my fucking girlfriend

right but now you can i’m in pittsburgh

that’s just

who’s who are they

gonna tell but now

yeah it’s every fucking show has some little fucking

bitch that has to

prove bryant

pointed this out and i’ve been saying it on

stage that bootlegging is not even difficult anymore

the expression comes from when you actually had to have

heavy equipment in your boot

and it was very difficult to get

now anyone can do it so you’re not fucking cool for

i got fucking tape of it

yeah everyone’s

equipped for it

every phone you buy

has the ability to record video

except for mine

i have one that’s the biggest

piece of shit i can’t even really text on it because

i can’t figure out

how to get a space like

how about that

how’s that yeah it does you’re fucking 19

why are you

trying to avoid the future

well because i

don’t enjoy i don’t like talking on the phone

i certainly it’s your fucking this is the

space right here in the

lower right hand corner oh the lower you

see the undercase

like you a long stretched out

double wide u that that’s a space doug

when i first met doug one of the

first videos i ever filmed ever was

going to ohio university

and it was parents weekend

and doug it was ed helms doug and the dude from

chappelle show the real world

christian finnegan chris and finnian and so

they think it’s a

they advertise as a clean

they accidentally put it

under family friendly events for parents weekend

so parents with their incoming freshman children and

it was almost a

riot and i filmed it from the back with the shittiest

camera ever

and it’s the worst video quality ever but

you could see people

standing up

screaming at him and doug just went harder

and harder it was like let’s do abortion material

and it was like parents just crying it was like

600 walkouts or

something yeah it was amazing

that’s awesome

i did a show i know i miss

those days like having an audience that

knows what they’re there for you miss out on all the

chaos old school fun that

people being mad at you

i did a college

in all of that michigan and that was the same situation

where they were told that i was clean

somehow another

barry katz probably told him that

cocksucker he

was a booking

agent i get there

i go on stage

i’m standing on two cafeteria

tables in a high

school cafeteria that’s where the

tiny little

tinny speakers

and it’s a football

college they’re all football players

fucking faggot

like right when i get on

stage just yelling faggot

faggot fucking faggot

and so i just start

lighting dudes up left and

right and when i do

this guy comes up to the the corner

stage and he

alerts me unless you are not allowed to

swear in this show there’s no swearing

and i’m sitting here

these guys are

screaming faggot at me

i’m standing on two

tables and if you’re pretending that

these are real rules do you have a structure

there’s special words and are not allowed with

your shitty fucking setup and this ridiculous

so i turned to the crown i go this

motherfucker you see this guy right here

he just told me what do you guys you guys are at

least 18 right

you’re old enough to die for your country this guy

doesn’t think you should be allowed to hear

swears do you believe this shit

this motherfucker right here told me that i can’t swear

do you believe this shit

and they started

going crazy i go

let’s burn this fucking

place to the ground

and you start

throwing chairs and shit and going

crazy and screaming

and i’m laughing and joking around while i’m selling

another don’t burn to the ground

so the guy goes

say whatever amy’s gay too by the way

so i don’t wanna make it seem like i’m adding a list

to this guy’s

voice the list

existed he goes

say whatever you want

there’ll be consequences later

wow that’s we said say whatever you want

like i’m gonna do what the fuck i do son you get paid

yeah i got paid he had to pay me yeah i didn’t i

didn’t really

get paid because this is the days of new york

entertainment

where barry

but what barry cats used to do is he

would book these colleges and

you would get a

check and the

check would be to new york

entertainment

you would give it to new york

entertainment and then they

would cut you a

check supposedly

theoretically

well barry’s expenses got a little out of hand so he

started spending people’s checks

and wasn’t paying anybody

but i was i had done a college gig in tampa

and then i banged the girl who booked it so i went back

for whatever reason

i don’t know if it’s in the same trip but anyway i want

she had booked it was

backstage and it was

daryl hammond

i think it was

brewer it was

three guys from saturday

night live and

when they get off

stage they like

so where do we go to get paid and she goes oh

barry said to just send i sent the

check to him

and they all fucking went

no you fucking gave it to barry cads

motherfucker now we’re

never gonna see our money

this is like in the

mid to late 90s

barry katz was one of the producers on

the first last

comic standing

he’s not involved in it i don’t know if he is

maybe he is i

think he is

famous manager yeah

and dane cook i think

maybe it was the first one

where it was me

i was one of the

judges monique and

buddy oh that’s

right yeah i forgot

about that i

got mad at me because i called ant out on

stealing yeah

and was like

stealing shit from movies the

lines from the

movie boiler room

about manhattan

some guy comes up to a gay guy and goes hey

they should put you people on an island he goes

they did come manhattan

it’s funny i have the actual

pilot of the

last comic standing that

had you in it you have that i have a copy of it fuck

why is it not on youtube

it is on youtube i have it somewhere on youtube it’s

called shit

funny house i

haven’t seen it

yeah seriously i don’t

know i looked high and low for a

j more you and

yeah i did the presentation

pilot for last

comic standing

and a presentation

pilot is what they’ve

filmed to show the network what the show

would look like if

in order to get picked up so i

lived in a house for

three days with five

there were five

comics total and we

were the comics john heffern

was the only one

that you’d know

well there’s alex

stewart is a

black comic yeah

all right him and

it was really funny jody

something i can’t remember her name

and then some

other chick that dates some comic

so the only

one that made it through to the heffron won the

second year

second year yeah yeah

after the after the

first year because they

were they were acting like well if this gets picked up

you’ll be on

it that’s why my manager talked me into doing it

it was less money

to do the presentation

pilot than to be on the road

but my manager’s like well

you know if

it gets picked up i mean it’s already a presentation

and then we’re sitting in the

house going

if this gets picked up

how are we gonna

act like we don’t know each

other all coming into a

house to live together

i go i don’t

think we’re

gonna be on it if it gets picked up

fuck jay moore

fucking cocky little cunt

jim norton was on the first

season wasn’t he

but he had to like

leave halfway through because

i like to pretend

comics that i uh

i don’t know because i left bisbeer

to live in bisbe

arizona so i don’t know what’s

going on in comedy

so because i don’t know what they’re

doing i just assume they’re washed up and it’s a

happy thought

and then i’ll find out

fuck he’s got

i don’t know i don’t

watch network

he’s on a fucking

tv show i thought that guy’s washed up fuck

yeah there’s a certain few guys you root root of crash

yeah there’s a certain few

when you find out they’re not doing so good to you yeah

you fucking prick

but you have to know it affects them

you know you

i don’t you’re not a boston comic

no but not at all grew up

in worcester in worcester tell us

as soon as i was old enough to

leave i you are a

boston comic whether you like it or not

there’s a reason why there’s so many fucking

funny guys from that shitty part of the country

it’s not shitty

which it is shitty yeah the weather shitty the girls

i think everything

about well not everything girls obviously

hyper believe it

i did not know the girls were nice till i

moved to la i didn’t

know they were capable of being nice fucking nasty

fucking dumb as shit we’re

fucking hillbillies man

eddie bravos

eddie bravo

made this girl

met this girl in boston

and she it was

just a fucking hail mary sacrifice two in the

morning move way back in the day many many decades ago

anyway she goes

while he’s like making

out with her and pulls his dick out whatever he goes

she goes you’re

gonna tell your friends

that’s all i think

about girls in boston

you’re gonna tell your friends

that’s what i remember growing up i remember

the only time i ever got to fuck with the girls were so

sloppy drunk and belligerent

that it was like we had to

argue before we got to fuck and

then when we did it when it was over i was like oh i

gotta go home get me the fuck away from this

you better fucking call me

you better call me

there’s still like that

is it the cold weather

is it the fucking

savages that live there that

came over on boats from ireland one of my first real

girlfriends when i say

sixteen seventeen

i kept in touch with her

remotely here and

again and i remember

i had to be in my 30s

going back and i call in

yeah we’ll have a drink

and hey you look really good and she goes

yeah she goes

yeah well maybe if you hadn’t

fucked sherry

munson we’d

still be together

17 years old

oh that’s hilarious

oh that’s so fucking funny

but they do they hold on to that shit yeah forever

that’s a fucking get out of jail free card it’s one of

those few pat myself on the back times in my is

is just comparing

myself to most of the people we grew up with

and knowing that one

night in my life

would be something they

wouldn’t remember

that would be like the fucking biggest

shit i don’t remember doing i’ve done

television shows

that i don’t remember

oh you were on my show and i’m like yeah

sounds familiar

if they were on the news once in the

background they’d have a still photo of it

somewhere in their fucking grubby fucking foxboro

framing ham fucking route

nine the auto mall

oh that’s so true

there’s a feeling

that i get when i go back to that part of a country

when i go to framingham

i go to natick

you know i’m in the natick

mall when i

drive through newton

there’s a feeling that i get there i escaped

i got away from you fuck

you fucks are

trapped here that’s what i feel like in ohio

same thing but i have to

admit it’s one of my favorite

places to perform

they’re fucking

crazy in boston and they don’t give a shit

but they want

to hear the real

shit they want

to hear the real shit

they had the best comp

when i was coming up in the

1980s boston had the best

local headliners in the country they were better

we’ve talked

about this on the show many

many times we talked

about it when dane was on we talked

about it when

a bunch of different guys were on

they were the best

comics in the country

there were local headliners

don gavin was the best

comic in the country at one

point in time but no one knew it

he was the best

i got to watch guys on hbo

i got to watch guys when they

came in town and did live shows and i got to see don

gavin i’m like he’s the best

he’s the best

he’s squeaky

clean and he’s

crushing destroying

the point where i feel like i’m

gonna quit i’m a fucking

fraud what am i doing i’ll

never be like this

and we got we had we were forced

to see that like early on

you know boston is a very strange

place when it comes to comedy man yeah it’s

it’s fucking incest it’s an

incest pond

fucking appalachian mountains of comedy

y’all ain’t welcome around here

it’s a fucking town of redheads

we don’t send none out we don’t accept none in

there’s something

about it though it’s a fun

place because the fact that it’s so cold there

and it’s so fucking miserable for five

months out of the year five months out of the year

you’re like what the fuck are we doing living here

when you walk from your car

to your house when you shut your car door

and run to your fucking house cheese grilling

and you get in your house you like fuck

fuck fuck you shut the door and you

stand there

for a couple seconds and the summers are fucking

wet and full of mosquitoes mosquitoes

i was gonna say that there’s one day in fucking october

where you kick through some golden

fucking dead leaves under your feet

and it’s at perfect crisp and you go god

see i love the change of

seasons no you don’t

no you don’t you love that

fucking one day and that’s the only one you noticed

and if there were

other nice ones you had to work

you kidding me oh

it’s so true

so true there’s nothing

worse than working a shit job in cold weather

terrible i didn’t have

to get up early

to work a shit job i did construction many many

years my dad was an architect so like throughout high

school when i wanted summer jobs

i got jobs on construction sites

but every now and then

i would do something in the winter and

when i graduated i did a lot of shit in the winter

you’d go to

these fucking

houses they’re framing a

building look

somebody wants

their house

built in january they don’t say no

they just build the

house in january

and you’re wearing

17 layers of pajamas

under your fucking

pants you can’t move like you’re in a spacesuit

and your hammond

nails is fucking zero out

yeah i never did that

it’s the worst

it was beautiful it was the best

thing i ever did

the smartest

thing that i ever did when i was in high school

right when i

graduated high

school the very year

me and my friend

jimmy lawless

jimmy got me a job in this construction site

jimmy was like a carpenter’s apprentice

got me a job as a

laborer and i

carried cement bags

and pressure

treated lumber for two weeks

that’s all i did for two weeks i

carried cement bags

and pressure

treated lumber we were

building a wheelchair ramp at

knights of columbus hall they needed a

wheelchair ramp because of new laws

and all i did was that all day

and i did nothing i had nothing left

at the end of the day i couldn’t work out i couldn’t

i just ate i couldn’t work out

couldn’t work out

jesus that’s not even in my list

that’s something that you want to do after

i was competing that was

back when i was fighting

i was 18 years old i was

fighting in tournaments

i had to had to

train i had to work out so i forced myself to work out

and that taught me what real work

is but i was

gonna say if you can’t

isn’t that a workout if

you can’t work out it’s not enough

when your dudes are trying to kick you in the face

you got to do

other shit you

gotta make sense

get in there with

other dudes trying to kick

you in the face you get the timing down you have to you

stay sharp you can’t just

say well i don’t need to work out i’m

carrying bags of cement

i train okay

i would say i hear workout i

yeah that’s

your lifting weights

with fucking

sweatpants on

there leg warmers

yeah but i learned i

learned fuck fuck hard work for no reason

yeah no it’s there’s

money in it i mean there is a reason you know

you’re doing it so you can get that some people are

predisposed to that again

i know that

people that do that don’t look at it like the hell

it’s the same as people who come up to you and say

oh man that’s the scariest

thing in the

world what you do

talk in front of people

i couldn’t get up on that

stage in front of people well

it’s not scary at all yeah it’s not

scary to me or i

wouldn’t be doing it well it’s

your job is

scary to me fucking

i’m selling

shoes for 30 years in the mall only to have the

place fucking go out of business

selling crocs in a kiosk

what do you do i’m the guy in the mall i sell

the bedazzled iphone covers

it’s pretty good i make

about 60 grand a year i’m doing good

did you used to sell meat or is that apollo

all right one of you sold meat door

to bar me and apollo are the same group

angry white guys from boston

as well yeah fucking

white guy from my age from boston

dad the apollo

was one of the guys that i got a chance to see

when i was coming up when i was an open mic

or he had a few years in he was like two

three years in this

who’s already really good

he’s one of

those guys huh

when i went to see him at caroline’s

i guess it was

maybe two years

ago i go how the fuck is this guy not gigantic

how is this guy not selling out

arenas he was

it was after katrina

and he said

he goes a lot more people

would have been

rescued if it wasn’t for the fucking misspellings

i looked at this this roof

this guy was trying to get

rescued off his roof it said hep on it

you want some hep

drink that fucking

water in front of you

i’m in the back of the room

fucking howling

howling is a late night show with caroline’s

and i’m like how is this not an

arena i mean i’ve known this guy for two decades

how is he not one of the most

you know famous fucking comedy cause he is accessible

he’s not just comic

fan yeah he’s accessible

he’s got that

angry boston

thing man it’s just fucking nothing funnier to me

i know funny to me that some dude it’s probably

it’s probably his fucking personality

people have to realize like this is like a fucking

thing like oh like

angry you know like

you know what the fuck man

just live your

life with that kind of hate that’s really bad for

it no it’s not real hate it’s not real hate it’s fun

exactly it’s it’s

but i really want

to get hepatitis

to qualify his personality

you have to

understand this industry is run by people

and most of them

are fucking phony

and they know they’re fraudulent

and so a personality like nick’s

is probably very

scary to the people who

would put him in an

arena yes and is

so i think it would

it’s probably his personality is the reason because

people are that are

afraid that they’re gonna be

found out as completely

yeah they don’t want

to go like that around yeah they don’t want a fucking

walking mirror

nick played my brother on news radio

oh yeah yeah he him and

brian callan and

epstein from welcome back cotter

brother on an episode of news

radio where we just beat the fuck out of each other

like people were you know like we were through

it like someone can we cut

to a clip of that because i have to piss desperately

just go piss

i think that’s why

why we while

while doug goes to pee

brian do me a

favor before you pee pull up

bobby barnett pull up

doug’s bit about

bobby barnett because

one of my fucking

favorite all time bits is

your bit about

bobby barton did

you see the yes

that’s what i

was gonna talk

about it and she

apparently now

this woman from this bit that we’re

gonna play you

if you go to dougstamhelp com

i’m sure in your archives it’s

in the archives

the story’s fucking brilliant

the bit is fantastic it’s from

uh keep the edge

something to take

the edge off something take the edge off

which is my favorite

all time cd of

yours not because your materials the best because it’s

they’re all pretty in my opinion they’re all equal

they’re all

great but i love the

music behind it man i mean

that was my favorite cd to listen to and you

and that cd you took on

this sort of like

musical quality to your delivery too

like in sync with them with the guitar well

henry phillips

and i used to do that in la just for stories where like

anytime it was a full

story i’d try to

i have him play with me at

goofy little clubs around and

he was in houston

when i recorded that and i had recorded

every night and wasn’t

happy with any of them and it’s

sunday and there’s only

about 60 people and i went

you know what fuck it why don’t we just

try it with the entire set not just the stories like

he had played with

to bobby barnett before in the

transvestate hooker or whatever he’d played

behind a few stories

storytelling

so i just it was last

minute like all

right let’s just

it’s beautiful

the set feels like that too

it feels like a set

where you had already gotten enough sets in the bag

where you could be comfortable

you know when

you record something or yeah didn’t give a fuck

i don’t tell people if

i’m filming

something what am i filming i’m filming a special

there’s an eight and a ten

go to ten go to

ten because

the eight i’m

gonna be like i

gotta get this bit out and

get that bit out and

get this all technical

like once 10 minutes in i’ll be fine anyway don’t

worry about it

if you got a babysitter it’s the only one you can make

it’ll be pretty close

but i’ll say the words

but yeah there’s a

looseness in when you

know you already have it in the bag we can just go to

like tomorrow

night i’m at some

place called

morty’s in indianapolis

there’s zero pressure when you perform in morty’s

it’s not a fucking and i’m filming this

but hey shut it off dude

wait till we do it

but the you know

when you when you’re filming something man

it’s it’s like a

weird is a weird pressure

thing you know like you want to

make sure i get this

right i only got one shot

like i would

never want to do like

bill hicks relentless

like he even

said that he wasn’t comfortable in it if you

watch it it’s like it’s got

great material in it but it’s

definitely not his best

performance in delivery it’s

cause he did it all in one shot

it was one one hour and a half performance

ready go the cameras are on you we’re

gonna film this forever fuck

it’s hard to loosen up and the

crowd is tight cause

cause they know too the showtime special it’s

filmed at that gotham

comedy club

which is a tiny club anyway

and now it’s brightly lit with fucking giant

trains coming over someone’s fucking car

love that place

though i love that

place my i’ve

never played there

except for that

when i filmed at

the southern theater in ohio when i did

talking monkeys in

space the guy who is the director

of it is a good friend of mine anthony giordano

he directs the

ufcs and directs

all the ufc

little satellite

programs and

he listened to me i said i don’t want any

lights in the audience i want it like a regular show

let’s just do a regular show and we capture on camera

but even then it’s hard the

first one was

like it was a little

stiff i felt loose

i haven’t seen

it yet but i’m

scared to watch you

i’m scared to

watch comedy why

like i was telling him on the way up

cause i’m afraid

after fucking

this long doing comedy i

sit there and i go have i

heard this before have i

heard this somewhere else

i’ve told you i caught myself

stealing my own material

where i go fuck

this is funny but it just seems so

like familiar

and i’ll fuck it i’ll do it anyway and then i like

i find it in an old notebook oh

this isn’t fucking new i wrote this

used to do this six

seven years ago

yeah so i like when i do

watch comedy at home like

i’ll make sure i’m sober

i won’t go to

sleep with i wouldn’t dare like

the ideas will get in your head yeah

they were yours

my friend mike mccarthy

did that once a friend of mine back in boston he

went to sleep with the dennis miller cd

and he woke up with all his new jokes

but anytime you

sleep with tv

you know how

your dreams will

yeah become infused with whatever

he went to bed to fucking

sports center all of a

sudden i’m being fisted by a linebacker or something

but so no i’m scared of

watching comedy

i i i still

enjoy the fuck

out of it i you know what the reason why i

got into comedy is because i was a fan of comedy i was

gonna go see you in irvine last

night but i was just too lazy yeah

i couldn’t make that did the

drive from la to irvine

at like five p m is

death you guys

will know fucking shoes

no fucking shit

yeah it’s death

but um i still

agree if someone like i saw louis

ck recently

at the improv

i get it i get inspired

by comedy if i see something that’s really funny

i get inspired it makes me want to write

you know it makes me want to go home well that’s the

other thing is on tv

it’s never as good anyway

so it’s not hard to go

i’m not gonna

watch this special

cause it’s a special

and special suck but what i’m hoping is that eventually

everything will be accessible all the time tv

and no sets will be special because everyone will see

every set ever

see everyone will see

everything that you do ever

over and over and over

there’s gonna the next the next

level of technology is not

going to be

you know something

as simple as oh here’s a newer faster

phone no it’s

gonna be some

super invasive thing

where you’re allowed to

turn on your always on cam

and people could just

travel with you

everywhere you go

and people could

watch every fucking

thing you do

and there’s

gonna be like some really popular channels

where people subscribe to shows zero privacy

zeros none total

transparency but

there’ll be no need for it

no need for

it no one has anything to hide

why do we have privacy now i mean you and i really

don’t people who are in the public eye who talk a lot

about their life on stage

you have a fraction

of the privacy that a regular person

short of like wiping my ass i’m really

fucking yeah i don’t what you have a good situation

or any any fucked up situation

i don’t i don’t mean good i mean anything where it’s

juicy where’s

there’s a story

don’t you get

excited like you just

like you just got a new puppy

like what could i

got look at the

when my fucking dad died i was conscious of the fact

that a huge part of me was

thinking i’m

gonna get a lot of attention for this

and what do you do with that

like you fucking you’re

aware of that part of you that see

right you’re

right and you know

other people do it you know they fucking milk fucking

tragedy for attention on some level

well you know i can’t

i can’t talk

right now something really bad happened

was the worst

you go all right but you know

like i’m at least

aware of the fact that i enjoy the

well i used to get excited when girlfriends had shit go

wrong like a cat died or a

dog got hit by a car or something

cause they knew we were gonna fuck

you’re gonna feel bad i’m gonna consult you

next thing you know we’re gonna be getting our fray

gone speaking of fucking

fucked a girl named bobby barnet yes here

listen segway this is one of my favorite all times

stand up comedy bits one of one of doug’s classics

bobby barnett

check it out listen and doug will be

right back in the meantime

it just died brian

beautiful woman i’ve ever had sex with there we go

something to take the edge off

on itunes

not stripper beautiful but that

kind of beautiful girl who works retail

kind of beautiful if your life ever

flashed before

your eyes you’d have to stop at that part and beat off

finding a car wreck

dick in your hand

eyes rolled up your head and a

smile on your face

it’s gorgeous she had

short brown hair and big brown eyes

kind of beauty that hurts to look at i met her in this

strange bar in minneapolis

and when i say strange

bar i mean i didn’t know anyone there and normally i

would never have the balls to approach a girl in a bar

that i don’t know people

my big approaching of strange bar is to go sit in

far into the bar all

alone watch

sports center like the only reason i’m in a

crowded dance club on

ladies night is to watch

sports bloopers with no volume

and hope someone feels sad for me

but that night i don’t know i was

motivated or just intoxicated

sometimes what’s the difference

i talked to her and i

don’t know what bullshit stories i gave her but i

i played right

into her hand whatever she said i said exactly

what she wanted to hear she hated long hair i was

thinking of cutting it

she hated cigarettes i was trying to quit

whatever it was it worked and she said

tomorrow the twins are playing the red sox

my team the red sox

she goes why don’t we go to the game you can stay at my

house cause it’s right near the stadium

not for sex just out of convenience

which is exactly

what i tell a girl i was trying to have sex with

so i show up we had one more

drink at her house

and that led to kissing

which led to

grinding which

led to some of the most vicious dry humping i’ve seen

since junior high school

it was like porno with

clothes on it was but

but i got to a

point where i realized it’s not

gonna go any farther than this

because every time i try to

close the deal

i can’t i’m not a slut well

i am and i’ll show you how it’s not that hard really

well i don’t even know you oh i’ll have my

agent fax my bio come on

please it’s starting to hurt here

finally i gave up

like a gentleman i rolled over curled up and i was warm

soft pillow of my own testicles

like the bed

next day we go to the twins game

twins are playing the red sox this is like 1994 or

three if you want

i want to look up the statistics and prove this

story is true

i’m being an asshole

in the stadium because i’m already pissed i’m blue bald

and i’m a red sox fan

so i am trotting

down up and down the bleachers i go

red sox yeah

you gonna lose

i keep doing this

for six innings till the red sox

again the shit kicked out of them

they’re losing

that game five to one in the bottom of the six

she starts talking shit

so on i try to call her bluff

i say listen

red sox lose this game

i will quit smoking and cut my hair tonight

red sox come back and win

you turn lose some of that old pussy girl

some of that old pussy

sure i said it

my boy diplomatically

that the point was

completely stolen from ron weis

turn loose on that old pussy

it was something

he said in a condo when we were working together

oklahoma city

soon as she said

fine move on

came to the plate

the red sox scored 11

unanswered runs they won that game 12 to 6

and bobby barnett sat in the bleaches and turned gray

she’s driving me home

silently

i turned to her and i said so would you

think i was an asshole if i took you up on the bed

she said now

so would you

think i was an asshole if i

picked up a homeless guy

and told you i wanted to donate my winnings to charity

you laughed she did

bobby barnett made good on the bed but it was only

shortly after that

she decided she didn’t like the kind of person i was

i never talked to her again

but she didn’t welsh on the bed

the thing is generally beautiful things

always make me feel kind of empty

like beautiful

sunsets and beautiful mountaintops because

there’s none of that you can take with you

you can take all the

pictures in the world and never does it justice

you use every word in your vocabulary to describe it

never comes out the same you had to be there

you watching that beautiful

mountaintop there’s always a guy next to you go

goes doesn’t it make you feel insignificant

yeah it really does

i don’t need to feel anymore

insignificant

i feel very insignificant

every day i get that

i go to my hometown bar where

all my friends know my name and i feel significant

i don’t need anything less

but a beautiful

woman is different

because a beautiful

woman might fuck you

and when a beautiful

woman fucks you

it’s like she’s giving you part of that beauty

it’s like she’s

giving you part of her soul and that is yours forever

it doesn’t ever go away

your beautiful mountain

tops will one day

crumble to the sea

your beautiful sun

that might never rise

again but you fucked me

bobby barnett

yes you did

you fucked me

and a thousand people

men with a thousand tow

trucks can never take that back

thank you guys very much

this is the

cd all right

i don’t know what i don’t know

if i just shut your shit off i hit a button on your

thing your gadget

the kids went

to get high they’re just scrambling back to the

microphones now

and ladies and gentlemen i

was talking with

joe rogan and

turtle from entourage

we’re discussing comedy boot camp

oh yeah comedy fucking boot camp my name is chris

i’ll fill folks in if you go to doug

steinhope com

dougstandhope com

i think that’s one archive back

one archive back there’s a

story about comedy boot camp there’s been a new

trend in the comedy community as of late

is it comedy bootcam com is that what it is

yeah i’m not even sure

their website but they have comedy

training classes and you disagreed strongly

on the premise and practice

yeah no i i think

as a community

comics all agree that classes are bullshit unless they

have to go teach them

and they go well no it’s not all bullshit

right as long as we get

so yeah this guy kyle c

started a pretty hardcore

traveling he got louis anderson on the you

know on the ticket as kyle and louis are gonna travel

yeah they go town to town

where they’ll take an improv

for they’ll get 80 of the door

and and teach

these comedy

you have to really read the fucking thing

so the comics get on

stage so let’s let me get this straight

so if they do this comedy class and they go around the

world around the country rather

say if they show up the improv and

yeah florida west park yeah

it’s a comedy all day intensive

one day october 8th at the fucking fort lauderdale

funny market

so there’s 100 people in the

class and they all have to pay how much money

between four hundred and

three thousand dollars depending on

which course the one day course is only four hundred

bucks and a

three day intensive master of

stand up is like

three thousand but either way it’s all fucking nonsense

and and this i

i i’ve gotten

emails from the guy

let’s just assume you’ve read the fucking thing

if not go to it go to talk

stand up com and yeah yeah pause this and

because it’s

way too much to get in or if you’re in your car

tough shit just you’re

gonna have to do the math yeah if you’re not a comic

you don’t want to hear all the fucking discourse anyway

right it’s really it’s an inside kind of

thing but the fact that

it’s scumbagry to tell

someone oh yeah i can make you a fucking master

stand up and fucking

three short days

for money do they really call it a master

stand up mastery is the 3 000

course that’s

strong word yeah

yeah mastery

you’re gonna be a master of this takes ten years

right i i mean i barely

think i know what i’m doing now i’m 22 years in

you know but i definitely

suck declining it

if i had a fucking time machine

i definitely

wouldn’t recommend you

going back in time any

earlier than 10 years into my

comedy career i

can’t recommend any of

those shows

pre 1999 so you’re

on your own if you want to go see it just for fucking a

point of reference

to realize that someone

can suck really hard and come back from that strong

right but i don’t recommend

those shows

but so so yeah you read the fucking thing

so you don’t

think that there’s any way that there’s

a benefit of having some sort of a class

teach people

stand up you

can take it you

can get all that advice for free that was my major beat

anything they will

teach you in a

class any comic

is glad to tell you for free

or just at the bar

yeah or just get a job

at the hangout

at the bar the old

school way to do it i

agree that is the old

school way to do it but you’re

still not gonna learn

until you do it yes and no one can

teach you how to be like you are because

comics aren’t like actors we’re not all

going for the same part

we have to be different so

to take advice

you’re only telling someone how to be more like you joe

and i did attack kyle cease

brutally because that’s

the fashion of my comedy

where i’m saying that his family

should die and

stuff like that

it’s always just to give

a little flavor to the update it

doesn’t really mean that yes i don’t

want your family

to die kyle cece but i

think what you’re doing is negligent irresponsible

and dishonest

right but you get so upset

about it because it’s

i mean in terms of

like negligent irresponsible shit that the rest of the

world sees it’s really fairly mild

oh of course you just get upset

about this one

particular subject because it’s something

that you love because

it’s something

that i know when it’s something i can make a difference

right i can yell

about fucking the government invasion of

civil liberties all day

and it’s not

gonna do a fucking dicks

worth of difference but i could say

kyle seuss is a fucking

fraud and it

might save you between four

hundred and

three thousand well you know

maybe it’s not a bad idea to get both

maybe it’s not a bad idea for

someone to go to one of

these comedy boot camps

and you know just get

turn out look when i didn’t know if i was

gonna do comedy

you know i’d been talked into doing

it by some friends of mine i just went to an open mic

night i didn’t know shit

that open mic

night if i had

three thousand dollars

you know easily

could have been

you know some comedy boot camp well fuck it i’m

gonna try it out

like you know when there’s nineteen

twenty year old kids or they’re

young and they have no

experience and

it’s not a bad

thing to just get somehow another

introduced to it

and then once you get

introduced to it you

immerse yourself in

stand up comedy you

start listening to a

bunch of it

watching a bunch of youtube clips

then you read your

story on it

and listen to you talk

about it you go oh okay

this guy doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking

about he just knows what the fuck he’s talking

about for him

right exactly and

i’ll give you this that

it might act as a catalyst to make you

become committed

i’ve always thought

about doing this some momentum

yeah and so you know now it’s like

hypnotism to stop smoking

it doesn’t fucking work you’re not

hypnotized but

the fact that you just laid out two hundred and

fifty dollars

hypnotized for

thirty minutes

might make you not

smoke just cause you don’t

wanna feel like a douchebag

so if it has that

effect but what you’re doing is you’re

you’re glutting the

market he talks

about how he’s got all

these comics

motivated now

and they’re working together in

these communities

and they having writers clubs together

but what you’re doing

you’re saying everyone’s

innately funny

which is so

horribly untrue

and what you’re doing is giving them perseverance

to keep fucking bothering bookers and bothering

promoters and clogging up open mic

nights with shitty

comedy because you told them don’t quit

keep trying

i agree even

though you’re not fucking

funny it whatsoever but out of

those like you’re

speaking to the

worst case scenario

so if there’s a hundred people that take his course

there might be one or two that

sneaks through the fucking

salmon ladder they

would anyway

they would anyway they

might anyway

they might anyway and they

might in spite of but he

might have introduced them to the game

he might have gotten them inspired you know

what a lot of girls

are in porn because they get raped

i see your point when i was

starting out in comedy there was a guy i don’t want to

say his name because he’s a nice guy he just sucks and

he one time

he was hosting an open mic

night and he came up to me and he was like listen

i’m gonna tell you

right now okay

you wanna be a comic

you gotta stop

swearing he goes

you’re always

swearing you

swear when you don’t have a

punchline you swear

to make it funnier

and i’m like

well you know the guys who i liked were really

funny like sam kennison and dice clay

you’re not dice clay

okay you’re not dice clay

yeah and he told me

about this one joke he had

i can’t say the joke because then everybody in boston

would know who the fuck i’m talking

about and guys

his life sucks i don’t want to shit on him

but the idea was that he took this

word fuck out of one of his jokes and it made it

he had to focus more of his timing

and i was like that’s

ridiculous your joke sucks this is fucking

you’re telling me how to do you and i don’t even

think you’re good you know it’s like

you fuck you know it’s like

people will try to get you to follow

their pattern

you can’t do that there’s no way you can get

you can tell someone how to do comedy

what hang on i’m gonna

because we’re talking specifically

about kyle cece

i don’t know anything

about that i

should just say

this i know what i’ve seen the clips of this it’s like

anthony robbins fucking

scientology believe in yourself

find your inner

voice they don’t

and that’s the thing

every fucking comedy

what’s the guy

that cut my face at montreal

the fucking industry guys step up your stand up

the guy that looks like he’s wearing the

fake glasses the nose

but he’s not that’s

jeff singer

i don’t know

who that is jeff singer he’s like some industry guy

and he got in my face

cause i mentioned him in the update going

i don’t do what he does he’s like

shit you got

your face yeah

he was saying that kyle sees his

shit you don’t understand

i’m not like him why

would you put

write that about me

yeah it’s a fucking

awful night at the fucking

delta bar whatever whatever

delt in montreal

it’s not the

delta anymore they

moved hotels but it’s the same

scene same all

drunk and the guys like fuck you

like hey i just don’t agree with

point is kyle

we don’t tell people how to

write jokes you can’t

teach that but

what we do is we

motivate them and make them believe and find

their own voice

you’re still full of

shit they are full of shit they

definitely and i want to address

this because one of the beefs that i’ve few beefs

that i’ve gotten from it is why did you attack him

and not louis anderson

why would you pick

up a little guy scared

yeah well that’s the

thing is and i sat there

why first of all as

i was talking to henna

get my manager and

he goes well

louie anderson

wouldn’t be doing this if it weren’t for kyle cece

kyle cece fucking yeah

got the guy on and louis anderson is such

such a feeble guy you don’t ever look at him as

someone you have to take down

kyle cece is the one promoting this fucking hokey

the secret i met kyle cece of the improv

you seem like a nice guy that’s

literally all i know about yeah no he

sent me emails and

i’m fucking in tears you’re one of my heroes you’re not

the same fucking washing on me

i listen to your fucking podcast with jimmy dora

every comic that

whose name came up was one of your favorites

it’s one of

those yeah he’s one of those

you know it’s funny is

you know look i can’t fault the guy for not being no

there’s a lot of things he says that i think

a fucking fact the

majority of what he says i think is good advice i don’t

think it’s bad to get more people interested in doing

stand up because i

think just with sheer numbers i mean there’s

gonna be a bunch that suck but

there also be

more but they’re

using it as

a scam will be that’s the problem like i just started

i see the point but i don’t but i

think you need to be compensated if you’re gonna spend

three fucking days talking to some open micers and it’s

gonna have to be some long cash son but

here’s crazy fucks

i wanna do companies

this is what

really solidified the fact

that this guy is a fucking

okay connor

he emails me and he’s

breaking down

how he’s losing money

and he gives me actual numbers where he says

we average thirty

thirty people per

class and if

you know and then it’s four hundred dollars

times thirty

that’s twelve

thousand dollars and he says and will

and most of that goes to airfare hotel etc

wait hang on you and louis anderson teach class

you make twelve thousand dollars in a day

and you’re losing money you of all people

should not be teaching anything right how many

hotel rooms do you get for you and louis anderson

you’re making

twelve thousand dollars a day

what’s the et cetera

cause air fare that’s

about eight hundred bucks for the two year

hotel at a nice place that’s hot

down four hundred

goddamn fascinating reality show feel free to

steal this idea because i’m lazy and i won’t produce it

but comedycamp com

traveling doing some sort of like grizzly man you ever

watch grizzly

man oh yeah

where it’s unintentionally funny

like the guy

werner herzog had to know that guy was hilarious

he had to know what he’s putting together it’s

gonna be hilarious

he couldn’t

admit it but he had to know

there could be

one of the most beautiful beautiful coen brothers esque

reality shows ever

louis anderson

and kyle sees on the road

teaching this fucking comedy

class meeting with these

crazy open micers all over the country

it’s crazy stan o’ comedy is actually

kind of getting into a scam i don’t know if there’s no

money into it or not because i’ve been doing it lately

and i’m watching

these little open micers

get attacked but like sales

like tv salesmen

type ways like

hey here’s the deal

so i run this show at the comedy

store belly room all right

give me 100

i’ll give you 20 tickets to give to all your friends

now you can charge your friends

these tickets

money or whatever

so you’re gonna make

money but i’m

gonna give you five minutes wow

and i’m watching

this you know that’s how they do that’s how they pay

fighters and like low

level organizations and

give them tickets

right right but the problem is is that a the

belly room is free to get in so

these tickets make no

sense at all

and so this girl

is it always free the

belly room for the most

part but here’s the

thing this girl’s only been to a comedy six

months the guy

that even came up to her and said hey you had a

great set tonight

i was watching this dude

cause like my

other friend jordan said the same

thing happened

to him last time he’s just praying on him and

he wasn’t even

watching her

he came up to her and did this

whole sales pitch

and like oh

it’s 20 tickets and

stuff like that

and i feel bad

for that but i also feel like that’s kind of funny

because it’s also

yeah it’s kind

of the fucking i

mean honestly

i think less

than zero you know con

artistry and that

might be why i get

upset at something so fucking simple as a you

know stand up comedy class

which really has on the fucking

grand scale

makes no difference right just

but i think

fraud is the most

undervalued art form

con artistry is

it’s called con

art for a reason it’s fucking art if it’s done well

right there’s nothing more beautiful than hearing

about a very inventive

scam gift and comedy

praying on like

these little kids that

i wanna be a

stand up comic

yeah but wait a

minute man you were one of

those at one

point in time and i was one of

those at one

point in time when i was

twenty one years old you

could have easily

talked me into doing some fucking comedy course right i

saved up my money

i don’t think

acting course i got was

completely ripped

off when i was eighteen i had a bad acting

teacher that was

gonna earn while you

learn program

they’re gonna get you gigs

while they fucking you paid them to go weekly

but we’ll get you work and get you to casting agents

they do that with

models too right

i was a classic

took the train

to la as soon as i was 18 with 400

bucks in my pocket i get off the

train at union station and

i’m gonna be an actor

it didn’t work out

when i was in boston

every girl had a

modeling photo

remember when girls

what used to go to modeling

yeah casablanca

yeah and they

would take a

photo with a girl

like this and like

her hair blowing in the wind and

weird that out to people yeah

they would spend all this

money it was

basically a huge scam

where they would just get

these girls to

spend a fuckload of

money on getting

their photos taken

and then they get

their photos

taken with this guy’s logo at the bottom of it and they

would send it out nothing

would ever happen

but it was like

these girls like yeah i’ve been doing some modeling

i recently got some new shots

it’s a model every fucking girl i dated was models

crazy bitches you weren’t even that good

looking you’re gonna tell your friends

you’re gonna tell your friends

i can’t even say the same girl early in the night

she was drunk she was drunk and i was just trying to

avoid her i was trying to

avoid her i was just trying to avoid her

and she goes to me

you think you’re all fear factor

she got in my face with this fucking

thing and the fingers moving

you think you’re all

fear factor

like those girls get

sloppy drunk

every weekend those are

veterans they

know what the fuck they’re doing is fucking just

milky is awful

bleach skin and

shaved pussies wiry cigarette

breath and fucking dirty assholes

stinking titties black fucking sheer

socks that make your feet sweat and it smell like shit

tube top and belly hair you think you’re all

fear factor

blue eyeshadow throwing up in the toilet don’t leave

i think i ate something

don’t leave dunkin donuts

you fucking asshole i was

throwing up and you left my god

can you imagine having a

if i ran into half the chicks i boned as a teenager now

cause they were pigs then oh

i see him now at our age

oh i went and

found my original high school girlfriend on facebook

and i opened up her thing and said send her a message

and i went like that with my fingers and i

hovered over the keyboard and i wanted to apologize

i want to apologize for being me

i want to apologize for

being 14 i want to apologize for the

whole fucking

thing i mean here

but you know this is the

first one this is the first one

and i looked at it and i like okay

fucking shut this thing off i fucking

close the window like what are we

gonna do i’m forty three years old

i’m gonna apologize

for being a douchebag when i was sixteen

you’re a cunt too stupid

wasn’t on me

you got fucking

fat fuck you

and when you

moved to fucking

western massachusetts i went there once and

drove an hour and a half you didn’t even fuck me

cause you were mad at me

i just had that

joe did i tell you what happened

to this in your

fucking act no i’m

not done i had to

write it down somebody somebody

i had this ex

chat me on facebook was like hey i have something

very important to tell you like and i’m like what’s

it what is it they’re like no i need to talk to you in

person i can’t do this over chat and this is from like

twelve years ago or something like that

so i’m like

thinking all

right it’s one of

three things that either i have a child

or i have aids

or she found

jesus it’s like one of the

three things

right so i’m

going to her face

i’m going to her facebook and i’m like all right

these kids look kind of retarded it

might be mine i don’t know the kind of looking

that kid looks a little

asian whatever

so she calls me up and she goes hey i

just want you to know something that you remember that

abortion you

paid for and like yeah and she goes i just need

money for heroin i

started doing heroin

after we broke up and i really need

money so i made

i said this

whole thing that

where i was pregnant and i

i thought she said

you told me she said she

was pregnant with another guy and it wasn’t actually

you she said she was pregnant with

her new heroin

friend guy but they

spent so much

money on heroin they needed

money and i gave her like 500

it wasn’t like regular

like did you

ask for the

money back hunt no with interest

that high how

about 750 and suck my

dick i should do like interest

yeah you should at

least get an extra

250 bucks in a blowjob

it was crazy

cause i sold

my heroine hey

maybe just beat off on her tits rot

that’s why i sold my

comic books

i forgot holes and

shooting loads on

black holes that’s why i sold my

comic books i forgot

i sold my whole

comic book collection to

pay for this abortion okay well now she’s a fuck cunt

she has ruined your iron man

collection yeah

what was your favorite comment i don’t

think anyone has that story

yeah i sold my

comic books to pay for an abortion

yeah that’s your

story and it

wasn’t even an abortion it was for heroin

anyone who’s

dealing with anyone who needs an abortion or heroin

should not have

comic ducks

you should have

a minimal fucking survival kit like less trout

around your house

you just shit to keep your water

clean and a knife to fend them off

check this check this out doesn’t play a del rey

i didn’t fucking trade my baseball cards

to get my fucking girlfriend a new liver

i was in playa del

rey and i was

after the bar closed it was at that bar we were talking

about like 30

people fit in this bar and it’s just like for

locals only it’s a

school bar that’s been there

since the 1900s

so anyways after the bar we’re hanging out in this old

lady in 1900s

10 years ago

no so that’s

that was 10 years ago

the old lady

this old lady comes up to me and grabs me by the

sweatshirt and

she goes i see your necklace you wear that because it

protects you and i’m like what the fuck you’re talking

about i’m kind of

oh this is the

story you were

telling me i

would advise you before you go into this all

right this is all alleged

not really say it

i gotta tell you

i gotta tell you this is a person who is in

the public eye who got a little fucked up and a little

drunk and made some mistakes

and i’m just saying if you were

in the same situation and you did the same situation to

a person younger than yourself i would

never grab a person and let them not

leave you you

guess he was doing it listen

we all get fucked up and we’re not ourselves

okay that’s the reality the situation

the right mixture

a little bit

of crystal meth a little bit of jack daniels you

could make some mistakes

i won’t say it but

nancy cartwright

tried to rape me

oh i don’t know who that is

nancy cart writes the voice of

bart simpson and she

tried to rape me

oh that’s alright you

should tell that story i

folks i tried

so hard to save his karma

i should just say this

right now brian

right now can you

queue up prince i got a broken

heart again

cue this up we have to talk

we have to talk brian

brian’s in a situation

just just look up prince i got a broken

heart again okay

you got your

phone on okay

brian is a great guy

he’s i know he’s

a good friend he’s

one of the most

interesting people i’ve ever met in my life

no one tries to fuck him though

so someone in

this situation

fuck you it’s a good

story for him it’s a good

story for him but

he’s right now

with bart simpson

she would have been like

in a vulnerable

place she would like eat my

shorts i would eat her

shorts brian

if brian was on top of the

world like he was just a month ago

just a month

just a month ago

can we talk

about how on top of the

world you are

do you want me to use euphemisms

let’s just say this okay let’s just say this

pretend let’s just pretend that

so is the song called again

huh was the song prince got a broken

heart again

let’s pretend that there’s

there’s there’s a man and on the one to ten he’s a

three i mean he says is a fucking witty three

he’s an interesting

three you call me a three

i’m just making up stories dude

i can’t make it so

close to you that it’s realistic

if i had to

judge you honestly

i’d say if you

lost 20 pounds you’d be an eight

right now you’re

probably a six and a half or so i remember

is that honest

i was nearly

this fat on

the fucking before i was nearly this fat

brian was a stud

when he was i was on the fucking man show is when i was

fighting tonya

harding and

i remember fucking him

standing with juggy cathy

was one of the most beautiful

women in the world

and he’s like look at his fucking

body you’re so disgusting dude let me look at you

and that was when i was way less disgusting

so back in the day yeah

yeah well so let’s be realistic okay

brian let me give you i’m

gonna give you a rating of a six and a half

seven if you just

continue on your current path of losing weight okay

that’s realistic i don’t

think i’m more than an

eight right

i was pretty much a nine when i was on newsradio

but i’m old and my shits falling

apart okay let’s be honest right

no i think i’m more

attractive than the news

radio did he

got himself

a strong nine yeah

strong nine

so brian was with a

strong nine

yeah you’re fucking

we never agree on

chicks cause

the chicks you call it nine and you showed me a

picture and i go that’s a fucking

real doll that it isn’t even hmm

it’s not even you’re looking for something different

we have different we’ve always had different

opinions on what’s fucking for sure yeah

for sure we have yeah

we’ve always

fucking yes and

chicks that you would

think are wicked

skanks i think are perfect

tattoos like what

what do you like a

suicide girl

kinda i like

that too yeah

i like girls with unfortunate tattoos

there’s girls that

like just that there’s a porn look now right

it’s not even there’s

there’s no difference she didn’t have that

she was she

was there like

this girl does

not have that

this girl this girl was some

chick that works at the

the fucking

she works at the

local car seat

fucking manufacturer

you know working in the book she’s an accountant

but she has big

tits and this

crazy ass and she has a fake vagina

and somehow i know that you get

together well

you can buy it

that’s what

it means it’s a product it’s a product but you know

doesn’t come

with mom issues or hiv you get her

alone and next

thing you know you’re fucking

you’re banging it out and you’re like i can’t even play

this girls let me fuck you

well he had that situation

yeah for a while back and forth little

separation breakup

just wasn’t

ready for that kind of

frequency the kid wasn’t ready

hit the songs

brian i’m trying

your wifi sucks

does it yeah

really it doesn’t

really work too much joe hates it when you fucking

talk about his

technical inept gadgetry

we need to put a wi fi

rocket you mother

your wi fi joe is

about a five and a half

shut your wife

oh don’t you go there oh i just date don’t you don’t

you know marc marin’s podcast has fucking wi fi out the

i don’t wanna talk

about marc marin

marc marin just sent me an email

asked me to do his part i probably will i just don’t

wanna argue with him

i like mark man

i think he’s a good dude but he says dumb shit

i don’t wanna i don’t

wanna get argue with him

that’s why that’s what i

wanna argue with anybody i ain’t got no time i know but

if you’re not arguing it’s a fucking low rated podcast

no i will listen to podcast

three reasons this we’re not arguing

carlos monsea

on fucking mark marron

i listen to dane cook on mark marron and

i didn’t know you had done

dane cook so i’ll listen to that

and i listen to the fucking

what train wreck

his name is that had the the kyle c song

you just looking for train wrecks exactly what

what do you want to fucking

i don’t want a lesson here

well listen to fucking two guys who agree breakdown

like the paul prevented who i love

this is the best podcast we’ve ever done

this is the best podcast i’ve ever done

and you and i are almost completely in

agreement on everything

except the level of demonic

aptitude kyle ceases has in his fucking show that’s it

i know but i’m saying that

doesn’t get fucking people

i don’t go to listen to

that’s okay but you guys get

along that’s just you

your point of view i

understand what you’re saying

i understand

i just don’t my

point of view

is at this point in time i’m a

grown man i don’t want to play any

stupid games

i don’t want to

argue with anybody

who just don’t just stop stop

i don’t want to hear it i don’t care

i don’t care i’ve thoroughly

dissected my own personal thoughts

and i don’t

wanna deal with the mess that’s in your head

okay i don’t

wanna have to

fucking sit down and go well okay let’s back up

where did you come to this perception and how did this

start out and maybe

you didn’t take into account how i felt i don’t wanna

care i got no

time you know he’s doing one of your bits maron

he did his show and

he had mensee on and he had this like wrap up

where he like gives his

take on it and he said

the mensea incident

was two bullies arguing over bullshit

that’s how he said it

and i just said done

done that’s it

you just saved me

weird conversations for the rest

of my life you just don’t like that word i don’t have

to talk to you anymore

i don’t have to talk to you anymore

i can wish you well

i’m karma free i

could say good luck have fun take care done

done it’s nice it’s nice to

there’s a lot of problems in this

world you can’t fix them all

sometimes it’s good to just

now let’s go back to brian

brian is good friend

i met brian online

he’s talented he makes these incredible

videos and i’m like what do you do man

he told me he goes

i i work for gateway

i was like dude

you need to come work

for me i don’t even know what the fuck you’re gonna do

but we’re just

gonna make some

videos we’re

gonna make shit happen we’re

gonna have some fun

just come with

me on the road we’ll film some shit man fuck that

crazy job that job sucks

he’s like okay

years ago right it’s a

while ago yeah so he comes he comes and

brian’s out there in a new

world man we’re

traveling we’re gonna

fucking comedy clubs and we’re

going to tv shows or

going all over the

world we’re going open

anthony we’re in new york okay we’re all over the place

brian’s from columbus ohio and this girl is from

venus perhaps

maybe perfect

right perfect girl you’re perfect girl

yeah sure definitely what what the fuck

would ever make you

think that you

would be able to fuck her right

right in real life

absolutely it’s like how does this happen

how does anybody get the fuck

doesn’t have a weak chin

wrong everybody

how does anybody get to fuck her

there’s certain girls in this

world like any girl that’s over a nines like really

any guy that’s fucking i was like

really because

every guy that’s

fucking a nine has fucked sixes and fives and

can’t believe that anybody even talks to him anymore

well that was a

whole fucking

bobby barnett thing

which we never

wrapped up because we were outside smoking

oh the bobby barnett yeah go to

the website

yeah go with backs like

three four archives which is

genius she finally

found out some one of my fans from sweden

actually tracked her down with her new fucking

married name and she

heard that bit and is a born

again christian now and sent a very upset

email so that’s it

doug stanhope com

which by the way made the bit

20 000 times better

it was beautiful and your follow up was just fucking

spectacular i honestly

think that you have to do that on

stage what i

think you should do

is play the original recording on

stage for people who don’t know for the new fans

let them hear that

and then tell the new

story just do

the new bid

on stage it’s a fucking destroyer i

think you should

close i think

that would be pretty fucking lazy

to go well first you have

to hear this bid

i won’t say that

you can say

you can say it

i don’t mean that i mean

i feel weird telling old jokes no

i do too i won’t do it but it

would feel more

weird to go

i know i could say this

let me just hit play i do old bits

during my question and answer

after i’ve done like an hour

or so i always do a question answer because at this

point in time

i mean i joke around

about it on stage

but this is in

order to keep a real honest relationship with all

these people that come out to see me i don’t

think i should be the only one that gets a talk

i always say that i

would say this feels weird

like the whole

stand up comedy

the whole art form

is you get on

stage and there’s a

microphone there’s a

bunch of people that pay to hear you talk and it’s

ridiculous you’re

gonna be the

only one who talks for an hour it’s a cocaine

dream it’s crazy i

get to do the cocaine

and now it’s my sentence for an hour

and you don’t get a chance so i always talk

about it how i

understand that this is a

ridiculous relationship and in

order to compensate for the fact that it’s ridiculous

i do the best i can i

write the most

should i do i

explore the most ideas i try to give you the most

should i get the most

hyped up for the show

and i also do a question answer

where i say you

should yell out anything you want we’ll talk

about anything you want

you know and

that’s like an opportunity for people to

they can they can yell shit out they can talk

about anything they want

if i were if we were that’s what i do i’m

sorry that’s what i do old bits

this is a this that

would be a perfect

time for all of us

to fucking do

if if i knew

other comics

would do this

i would do a fucking q and a

at the end of

every show for wannabe

stand up comics

so you can get advice for fucking free

and that’s all you

should ever pay for comedy advice

that’s not a bad idea

everywhere but

you know what

would not be

a bad idea if you said you had people sign up for

an advance they couldn’t be just someone who wanted to

photograph no

photos no autographs

can’t waste any

time but after

every show there will be one half hour

q amp a section

session for

wannabe stand up comedians

so you have to be honest

about the fact that you

wanna be a comedian

and if you are you’re allowed

to come and there’s a room there’s 100 of us and we’re

gonna sit there and i’ll let you talk for half an hour

right that’s a

great idea you

know what you fucking wait outside for a half an hour

after the show

like fight club

that’ll get rid of the douchebags that are just

drunk you want to fucking say something stupid

wait out on the porch like

fight club and

then after a

while if you really want to fucking

be a stand up we’ll give you

that’s how i avoid

crazy people at my shows when i take

pictures with them afterwards

i sit down for

10 minutes take a leak

have a glass of water

just let everybody that’s really fucking frantic just

go about their way

don’t just right

would you fucking

jizz all over me with your douchiness yeah

just do you sell merch

no i did a couple times i’ve sold dbx

the fucking

trade off i can either sell merch

and have to fucking dive

right into this right from

stage and that head full of

you know and then

right to politician nice to meet you

oh i’d love to fucking take a

picture with your wife

right from fucking

there you go all

right i cannot sell merch

first of all

merch sales it’s not just the

money that you’re making it’s

the fact that you’re getting your product out there

i’m not on fucking television

are people finding me because

someone sent him a link to a

clear way off yeah

okay i disagree

you’re not off the grid okay

you’re on the internet man you’re not on the internet

big wait this is

the this is there’s a website that i

frequent all the time called mix martial

arts com and it

has nothing to do with you and

there’s a section called the

underground

where they talk about mma

fights and there’s the

other ground

where they talk

about anything else

and they always have sections on comedians

and your name comes up

all the time

and i understand that but i’m saying that

you have to feed that

process yes yes

agreed yeah

at the same time a million people have said

i never even

heard of you

sorry no offense man

i never heard of you till my

buddy lou your dvd

yeah so yeah

it’s it’s getting that out there so that’s the

other important

thing about

yeah urge you don’t you don’t give a fuck

about torrents or anything like

that do you do you have no idea i don’t give a fuck

about that shit

when people have my shit on my

phone for free camera

no but i mean

computers computers you don’t know what a bit torn is

where you can download movies

oh stealing

yeah stealing no i’m all for

stealing and this is what it’s not

stealing well listen listen this is what

steal from me

and you’ll agree with me

and this is fucking very important i encourage you

fucking downloading

and sharing and burning files of all the shit

that i’ve released

yes but don’t come to the show

and you decide when i’m releasing my new cd

on your fucking cell

phone camera i

agree that i

agree it is

annoying however i also

think that it look as long as everybody else can just

deal with the real hardcore fans are

gonna research

these videos

can deal with the fact this is material that’s in

it’s in development

it starts out here and

maybe you want to

watch it in development that’s all cool too

but don’t fucking go to shows and yell out

punch lines when you know what they are

because you saw a clip on youtube and the bit is only

a month old and it’s

going through some metamorphosis

like don’t be a douchebag

but as long as you’re not

a douchebag and you come to a show i don’t mind if you

i don’t mind

all the i had to

take that down for a reason

cause i hate looking at myself

so when i see someone

filming that’s a

million reasons i

agree i’m worried

about how i look

it’s just taking me

as much as i

would take you

out of your day if you’re fucking at 7 eleven i just

start filming you oh for no reason

absolutely great it’s really distracting

and it’s the ice

house of pasadena

and i yelled at some lady but i

wasn’t really mad but i was like you can’t just fucking

just live your life

don’t fucking live your life through a fucking youtube

this is ridiculous just

enjoy this moment you don’t have to read you’re

alive you’re

three rows away from

me if i don’t affect you enough that you

can remember the shit that i said then it’s not really

worth it just

enjoy the good feeling that you had

while you were there

and come see me

again just you don’t have to fucking live

through a goddamn lens of a can

i’ve said the same thing

i’ve said don’t film me in so many fucking ways now

you have bits on it right you have bits on people

filming i’ve had yeah

i’ve had a number of bits i have more bits about

about stop filming me than overpopulation again

i can’t be honest i can’t tell you

stuff i can’t say that my girlfriend’s sister is if

my girlfriend’s sister was a fat cunt

i couldn’t do a bit about it

what if she was a big fat cunt and did something really

awful and i wanted to talk

about it you have to can’t talk

about my fucking nephews kind of

crazy no no little looney violent

he looks at the moon a lot nice

yeah but i could

never do bits because

he’s kind of an

idiot savant

he knows how to use computers there’s

some people in my life that are hanging onto a thread

because i’m

thinking about

throwing them down the river

i’m talking

about chucking them

under the bus and doing a fucking closing bit on them

there’s a few people in my life where i

think about how

crazy they are and i’m like

motherfucker i just

wanna you’re

gonna be my closing act

but you can’t

i know well because it fucking hurts when it comes back

no you don’t want them to be upset yeah

people you know you can make fun of me all day but it’s

making fun of

other people man for

people making

someone making fun of

you you don’t even know them for most people it’s like

for us it’s like you just get like

don’t google your name because if you

do some anonymous douchebags

gonna be mad at you somewhere for sure

and i hate myself so much that’s just

a voice seconding what i already thought

this is what i find and i’m sure you

find the same way do you find yourself

hating yourself

the most when you have to edit your shit

when you have to

like go like edit a dvd or something like that and you

watch your bits over and over

again you’re like oh will you shut the fuck

up yeah no i can’t

stand the fucking way i look people say

we’re egomaniacs or

narcissist it’s

like when you’re editing you get to a certain

point in your comedy

i think and you get to a certain

point where you really kind of

appreciate what this is all about

and this is really not all

about all this personal attention it’s really not all

about know people loving you it’s really

about like finding a way that tune into all these

crazy ideas

so that other people get

enjoyment out of it

and when you hear yourself do it you hear yourself

say it it’s you it’s you saying it’s you doing it

you’re judging yourself you like shut the fuck up

yeah no i i

i don’t like doing comedy

i really don’t

don’t you really know you do

though you say you don’t but you do i know you do if i

could bullshit

you wouldn’t do what you don’t want to do

you do like it there’s moments

you like you don’t like

you might not like

forty percent of it

i don’t i there’s moments

going on steve

crush you love it

yeah no no come on no

absolutely when

you knock it out of the

park when you really find a fucking but when i knock

it out that really

locks into people’s heads and they go yes

fuck yeah but i’ve

like everything that i’ve been passionate

about i’ve beaten into the ground

right i can’t fucking do another overpopulation bit

i’ll probably find a way i

can help you

i can help you with all

these things

i can help you with all

these things no

knocking it out of the park to me

is when i come up with something

off the top of my head when i actually

riff and i get a couple of fucking lines

that’s not i can have a shitty

show but if i said something that amused me

like oh fuck that was fun

that’s funny you just need when i say

write that down to someone in the fucking audience

right right

right that’s what i’m talking

about yeah yeah

yeah but those moments are

worth it all

those moments are

worth it all

where you are the fucking

lightning rod

and the bolt hits you out of the heavens and

you get this thought when you’re on

stage that you really

never went down

that avenue before but also you go there

and the on it just destroys and your howling

laughing the thoughts that

you didn’t even you don’t even know

where the fuck it came from you

could scarcely take

i was just saying to someone that

the applause that you hear

before the show when they announce

you doug stanhope and you hear that fucking massive

round of applause

is nothing but fucking terror of

expectations that i don’t

think i can meet

yeah i don’t feel

like that’s love and i worked hard for that i feel like

they want more than i have to offer well

that’s one of the problems that you had with the

kyle cs comedy course and you use a brilliant example

where you’re talking about

david tell who’s one of

my favorite comedians and your favorite comedians and

one of the most unique guys in my opinion

they come along a lot he

still records his set

he still has

a fucking mini recorder and he listens to his set

after twenty some years of comedy

yeah and he gets mad at himself and he

doesn’t like his bits he

doesn’t believe in them and he gets

upset and he

gets insecure meanwhile he’s brilliant

you know and that was the example that you use that

you don’t always have to be confident that’s not true

like sometimes you can just do it and be ashamed of

everything you say and ashamed of every

laugh you get

it’s no formula man

yeah a lot of guys are only

successful because they hate themselves so much

there’s no formula for anything that any of us do you

see you’ve never predicted

which had really funny

that as soon as they became

successful doctor

said another fucking word yeah

a lot of them how

about a lot of them how

about a lot of them forgot what it’s all about

right and the reason why they forgot what it’s all

about it’s because

these fucking people were hungry at one

point in time they were that’s

where comedy

most comedy comes from a

place of fear

and hate right

just a matter of choosing

your perspective in my opinion

hedberg cut you off

but hedberg was it a perfect perfect example

where you look at that guy on

paper like the shit that he

would say on paper

like the joke

about double trees yeah

you know how they

they have a meeting

how did they name that

let’s call it two trees

no let’s call it double tree

meeting adjourned

doesn’t even

seem like that should be

funny why is that

funny meanwhile i’m

alone in my car

laughing my ass off when i hear it on xm radio

there’s certain

guys that they just they find out joey diaz

perfect example

you’ve said it best you said joey diaz

could read the phone book

and it’d be funnier than 90

of the comments i

don’t think i agree

i think you did

wayne that term

but no i think it

might not it is a term

but i read shade

expression it is

i don’t want to get

mom credit for

you said it best when you said it and i heard

i can’t say it

third hand you can say a

second hand

i can’t say a third

hand i had to take

i got you i have

to go do you have

to do it soon

so what time

is it let’s find a closer

yeah let’s talk

let’s talk about it

you know here’s a six pack

i think we drink a lot of here we

drink all of them

i’m pretty fucked up

yours over there

by the way this is the only time i’ve ever been drunk

this is the only time

drunk on a podcast and on top of it stops in the middle

due to these big ass bitches

that didn’t have anything

to 22 ounce here you know it’s 6 p m

i’ve had oh i had eggs

lies lies lies had pancakes i had

some chinese

and a chinky

banana um so here’s here’s hey kyle sees

i didn’t love yeah i don’t it’s not it’s not personal

listen you know you could do better

we know i can do

better you can do better we can all do better kyle sees

you can do better okay

maybe just cut down

hyperbole yeah

comedy master course what the fuck dude

master after three days

that’s what they were

getting on him for on the

podcast was

there’s one clip of him it’s a

montage compilation real for his

class he goes

do you want to make a million dollars in your

first year of comedy

oh no it doesn’t say that

call c’s fuck you call c’s

that’s ridiculous

call c’s that’s that’s bullshit

i know you’re a delicate flower and we all

are gonna be fine

fuck you’re

gonna be okay

stop doing that

just do comedy

the last thing that i want to talk

about and this is

sort of a reoccurring theme and

i think one of the reasons why you don’t like comedy

and one of the reasons why comedy bothers

you is you’re really fucking good at it

and this is just my own theory

i think when you get really good at anything you

don’t feel like you deserve any of what you’re doing

and i think when you get

to this point

where all these people are

pointing at

you and go oh he’s fucking awesome he’s the shit and

you’re the fucking man you get

these twitter messages and like

okay it becomes creepy because you know that

to be really good at something to be

to tune into something like you do look i’m a fucking

comedy connoisseur alright

i’ve been doing

stand up comedy for

oh i guess 22 years 22 years now i’ve been doing it

and i’ve been

watching it for much longer

than that and you’re one of my favorites so i know

that you you’re

tuned into it i know you’re

tuned into it

but when you’re

tuned into it in

order to really in

order to really get the energy

the creativity that in

order to really fucking tap into the

muse you gotta

think you’re a

piece of shit

you gotta think you’re not

worthy you gotta

think that it’s all bullshit you

gotta think that

well fucking different who the fuck am i what is

you can never

think you’re the shit

when these guys get

famous that’s what happens that’s why they suck

they get famous and everybody tells them

they’re the shit

and they start

thinking they’re special and they

start thinking they’re protected

and they don’t want to dive into the fucking sea of

humanity well everyone

laughs when it’s not

funny that’s true that’s true yeah that’s true

but i have to

i will enjoy it more when i can get back to a place

where i’m not worried

about living up to

expectations

cause i used

to fuck off man that’s in your

head dinner like

while i’m doing on stage

that shits in your head i

think you can get past

those ideas

if you just

take care of your body a little bit better there’s a

lot of stress that comes up to me when i don’t exercise

the only energy that’s coming the only

feeling of expectation is all

the performance of the show

and the energy all

these people and it’s like

there’s not enough other

physical activity

going on are you

about to pitch

me the joe rogan

comedy workout

the joe rogan

comedy boot camp

that you two can be

powerfully funny

from flashlight

a partially

sponsored by flashlight

floppy dicks

no i mean it

sounds very cliche and hippie

and yoga be i

really want to

bring this back to my

girlfriend have it

i brought you something baby it’s realistic it’s

modeled after mine please say no more it is yours i’m

gonna fuck this vampire

mouth but you can have this fake rubber dick so you

you know i fucking love a fucking there’s there’s a

there’s a balance to all of it and i think

we both we both seek the balance

in in in in

as you’re holding

a rubber vagina that’s on its period no

cause i’ll fucking the shit out of a girl on a period

it’s like saying

something a rubber vagina that’s as big as a house

that’s like yeah it’s realistic but it’s way too big

go ahead um i think

i don’t fucking

say alright let’s not deconstruct comedy but

it’s not deconstructing

comedy i’m just trying to say that

i think this whole

thing is what

we all do in comedy it’s all about

tuning into the idea that’s relevant to you

tuning into the whatever you’re saying on

stage that hits you

and a lot of it

doesn’t a lot of it makes them

laugh and it

doesn’t make you

laugh and it’s

like you’re trying to find this fucking spot

but it’s all the same

thing we’re all just trying to like

just just get to the pure shit

tune into the pure shit tune into the pure idea

you know and then there’s always this big big battle

with yourself when you’re doing that

you know there’s a big

self hate thing and an insecurity

thing and then when you all know

those people

fucking love you but you’re the same guy when you were

shit in your

pants when you’re in your car

and oh yeah i don’t have like

fame issues or anything like that i just

i not even fame issues

just accept

living what you do

expectation

expectation that is fame though

expectations of

human level

it’s not a matter of

fame doesn’t have to worldwide

shit fame can be neighborhood fame can fuck you up

you can think you’re some

fucking dude remember

that from the runaways remember the hot

whore i said was waiting with coke at the fucking show

i’m gonna have to do it now

do it do what now

the coke the coke

you gotta get out of here yeah 6

15 we got rush

hour yeah if

tonight ladies and gentlemen if you’re

one of the best

comics working in the country today

it sounds like

fucking hollywood bullshit we’re blowing

smoke up each

other’s asses but

i really do

i’m glad we’re friends

and you inspire me and i love talking to you and i love

what you’re doing i love

everything you’re doing

i’ve always

i mentioned you on the road

alright this is

going nowhere

now every time i go i have a

talk about fucking

and anyone who

has kids i don’t have friends that have kids

cause as soon

as they have fucking kids i don’t talk to them anymore

and i’ll always say

except for joe rogan

he scares the fuck out of me i

still talk to him he can have as many kids as he wants

you’d be upset at me if i had kids if i didn’t

if i wasn’t an intimidating guy

is that what you’re saying no i just

once people have kids they tend to

drift in other directions anyway

and i don’t

i was myself before i had kids

i think a lot of people are not themselves they don’t

understand well they want to incorporate

their kids into your and i fucking

despise children

the younger the worst like

babies i was fucking terrified i go

i said to brian and then this

brian i like

fuck am i gonna have to look at his baby

cause i’m gonna have to pretend

like if i someone came to my

house and i go

these are my dogs and they go i fucking hate dogs that

would bum me out so i’m

gonna have to be do the

right thing

and look at his kid

but you didn’t fucking make me look at the kid and i

think kids are

fucking fascinating man i was not looking to me

i know you say that i know you say that

well i mean some

things are music

doesn’t fascinate

me kids don’t fascinate

me look i’ve been

in exactly the same position

where you’re at

dying people fascinate me i fucking love people

dying they well

the idea is fascinating the

whole idea that there’s two people in the last

three shows i’ve done

including last

night i’m dying of cancer

it came up and the guy was

obviously fucking

dying of cancer

great way to end the show yeah

it’s a motherfucker but it’s not a bad way to end the

show no that’s a fucking that’s exactly the only

thing i love

about comedy

and the fan base i’ve created the audience that i have

is that’s not rare

my shows attract people that are that

fucking out on the fringes or

in the darkest

places of life that come to see me

then not just

but not just

i know a lot of oh yeah no but i’m saying a lot of

smart people love your shit

i do agree though

that you’re so honest and so out there and so

you know you’re you’re you’re tapping into it to the

point where

i don’t know

i’m not on the message

board but this is just a fucking such a

suck each other off fest

there’s gonna be

three pages of your message board

why don’t you suck each

other’s dicks more

yeah you fucking love each

other nut huggers

yeah fucking of course make me hard is in the fucking

background of

that yeah this is an interesting conversation

backslash nuthuggery

all right please

check out my friend joe rogan’s podcast

you’re already on it they’re already on it oh yeah

dougstandhope com

ladies gentlemen

doug stanhope on twitter

doug stanhope is appearing

at john lovett’s comedy club tonight and tomorrow night

is thursday what’s

today’s date brian

thursday and friday

23rd 23rd and 24th

in hollywood tickets

still available you can get tickets online at

john what is it somewhere

fucking figure it out yeah

you don’t need to find it

you don’t need to come to the show all right

we gotta talk

about some shit off the air

thanks to the

flashlight for

sponsoring our

show thanks to

brian for keeping it together it’s been a tough week

thanks to doug stan hope for coming on finally

best podcast we’ve ever done

love you bitches bye bye